#will i ever forgive steven moffat for having the best idea ever and then deciding to do fuck all about it

[doctor-thedoctor]

the doctor and river song are unironically one of the most tragic love stories in modern media, but they keep getting undermined by writing that would rather go for cheap laughs and badly hidden fetishisations instead of fully leaning into the pathos of time travellers who keep meeting their soulmate in the wrong order

[hazownsmyass]

Get to know me tag! (300 followers)

Because I recently got to 300 followers, I decided to post a little get to know me tag!

I thought of doing some more stuff for my 300, but I’m already on my way to 400 because somehow more people keep following me? Why?? So I guess I’ll do some more stuff at 400

For now I would just like to thank some people (who you should all follow) for always helping me, talking to me, or sharing my shit :)

@starksparker​ @parkersstark​ @thewiseandfree​ @addictionmarvel​ @upsidedownparker​ @h-osterfield​ @bisexualparkerr​

And did you know I have another blog just for Marvel stuff, and not just Harrison? It’s over at @hazownsmymarvel If you wanna check it out that would be nice :)

I just got these questions from a random site, and I don’t expect anyone to really care about the answers, but apparently over 300 people care enough about my shit that they follow me so here goes!

Are you a morning or night person? Definitely a night person. I can’t do shit in the morning except sleep.

Are you afraid of the dark? Kind of? Like I won’t just get absolutely terrified if it gets dark, but I don’t feel comfortable.

Are you an extrovert or introvert? More of an extrovert. I like talking to people, and talking to strangers isn’t a big problem for me, but I like to have my alone time.

Are you double jointed? No ew (no offense but it kinda creeps me out)

Are you left or right handed? I am right handed

Are you more of a tidy person or a messy one? Messy AF. You should see my desk when it’s ‘tidied up’

Are you on time or always late? I’m always on time when it’s actually important, like school or if I need to catch a train. If it’s not that important, I’m always pretty late.

Are you ticklish? Hell yeah

Can you curl your tongue? Yep (totally had to check that)

Can you ice skate? FUCK NO. Everyone does it every winter where I come from, and we always went with school on the last day before Christmas break, but I am fucking terrible at it. I don’t even want to learn it though so I never set a foot on the ice. The last three years I haven’t even put on skates.

Can you wiggle your ears? Not willingly. Like they can wiggle at certain moments but they just do that on their own.

Coffee or tea? Tea all the way.

Cookies, cake or donuts? Cake

Did you ever participate in a talent show? Nope, because I’m not talented lol

Did you go to prom? We don’t have that here :/

Did you like school? Yes and no. Some parts were great, like my friends and certain teachers, and some parts were horrible, like homework and certain other teachers.

Do you believe in ghosts? No, but I won’t deny their existence if I see one.

Do you bite your nails? Nah

Do you consider yourself a good cook? I get by (I seriously just accidently typed bi) but you don’t want me to cook for you.

Do you enjoy dancing? If no one’s looking yeah, or if I’m a little tipsy

Do you enjoy DIY or crafts? I haven’t done anything like that in years, because everything I make with my hands winds up looking like a 4 year old made it oops

Do you forgive easily? Very easily. I believe everyone deserves multiple chances, and deserves redemption. I could even forgive Thanos some day if he really changed his ways.

Do you have a nickname? My friends call me whore (in a loving way)

Do you have any allergies? No but I recently had a weird reaction to what we thought to be a musquito bite, but I haven’t had anything like it before, or since.

Do you have any phobias? I have a fear of missing out, and a fear of not doing enough. I feel like I want to do and become everything I can in the world but there isn’t enough time in life and I have a hard time accepting that.

Do you have any piercings or tattoos? Nope

Do you have children? Nope, but shoutout to all parents out there who try

Do you have pets? I have a goldfish :)

Do you have siblings? I have 2 sisters

Do you prefer dogs or cats? DOGS

Do you prefer Mac or PC? PC

Do you prefer the beach or the mountains? Beach anyday

Do you prefer to bath or shower? I haven’t had a bath in years because we only have a shower, so I honestly don’t know

Do you sing in the shower? When no one’s home, I sometimes hum or sing softly

Do you smoke? No, and I think it’s really disgusting if someone smokes. Like, it’s your choice of course, but you ain’t coming near me with that.

Do you speak any different languages? I speak Dutch and English, I can understand some German and speak a little too, but hardly.

Do you still have your wisdom teeth? They weren’t pulled, but not everyone gets them right?

Do you still watch cartoons? Hell yeah. Both Avatar cartoons are still some of the best things to come to this earth.

Do you/have you played any sports? I used to do archery

Does your name have a special meaning? Nope, my parents just liked it.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Not where I actually had to stay or anything. All my hospital visits were ‘voluntarily’ 

Have you ever been on a diet? Nope

Have you ever been to a concert? I’ve never bought tickets to go to a specific concert but I went to a festival which had several major concerts.

Have you ever gone camping? Yeah and I hate it ugh

Have you ever met any celebrities? I saw Steven Moffat having dinner with his wife ones, but his wife looked at me like she did not want me to disturb them, so I left them to eat in peace.

Have you ever skipped class? Yeah, but in classes where I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble.

Have you ever won something? Probably? Can’t think of anything big now

Have you had braces? Yeah and they were awful.

How are you feeling right now? I’m alright, but my fingers are getting tired from writing all these answers.

How tall are you? 1.92 m (6′3.5″)

If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday? A house, because I want to move out but finding an affordable place here is near impossible.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? London probably. Or Brooklyn, or Amsterdam.

Were you ever a scout or a brownie? No? What’s a brownie? Other than a treat.

What city were you born in? Amsterdam

What did you last eat? Mac and Cheese

What did you want to be when you were younger? Everything really. From a physicist to a policeman to an astronaut.

What do you do on a typical Friday night? I’m at home most nights because of school, but now that school’s finished I might go out more :)

What is one food that you refuse to eat? Chicory

What is one item on your bucket list? Meet Harrison

What is one item you can’t live without? My phone

What is your shoe size? EU: 43 US: 9.5-10

What movie have you watched repeatedly? Captain Americ: Civil War

What phone do you have (Apple or Android)? Android. It’s an LG, but I need a new one.

What should you be doing right now? Writing a job application

What’s one goal you would like to accomplish this year? Come out to my mum and my sisters.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Tourists that don’t appear to understand the concept of sidewalks.

What’s the last song you’ve listened to? Does soundtrack count? I’m listening to ‘Charge!’ by Alan Silvestri as I’m writing this answer.

What’s the most expensive item of clothing that you own? I honestly have no idea. I don’t remember how much everything is worth, because it’s all pretty cheap. I guess my coat is more expensive than the rest but coats are always more expensive.

What’s the thing you can’t leave the house without? My phone, again. I’m helpless without it.

What’s your best physical feature? I like that I tan pretty easily

What’s your Chinese sign? I’m a dragon

What’s your current obsession? Marvel, but that’s not new.

What’s your dream car? I don’t really know, but most sports cars are really awesome

What’s your favourite animal? Penguins and dogs

What’s your favourite book? I haven’t really read books for fun in a long time, so I don’t think I have a single favourite book, but all Harry Potter’s are great.

What’s your favourite colour? Dark blue or dark green

What’s your favourite dessert? Tiramisu is incredible when done right

What’s your favourite drink? Non-alcoholic: Fanta Alcoholic: Vodka

What’s your favourite food? Pizza

What’s your favourite foreign food? Pizza is technically foreign

What’s your favourite gadget? My smartphone is my everything

What’s your favourite hobby? Is Netflix a hobby? Then Netflix. If not, it’s anything to do with film.

What’s your favourite movie? Captain America: Civil War, or Wall-E

What’s your favourite restaurant? Well it’s a small place that’s just a stand alone business, so probably none of you know it because it’s like 200 m form my house haha

What’s your favourite sandwich? I don’t eat sandwiches all that often

What’s your favourite season? Summer

What’s your favourite series? Doctor who is the best

What’s your favourite snack? Crisps

What’s your favourite sport to watch? Figure skating

What’s your favourite thing to have for breakfast? I usualy have toast but I prefer a fried egg with bacon.

What’s your full name? Wouldn’t you like to know?

What’s your longest relationship so far? Not even a month lol

What’s your lucky number? I don’t really have one? 8 is nice I guess. Or 12.

What’s your star sign? I’m a libra

When is your birthday? The 24th of september

Which city did you grow up in? Amsterdam

Which city do you live in now? Amsterdam

Who do you miss right now? Clara Oswald <3

Who is your celebrity crush? Harrison Osterfield of course

Who’s your favourite fictional character? Clara Oswald <3

That’s it! Thanks for following me, and I love you :)

[the-desolated-quill]

The Witch’s Familiar - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Now that we’ve gotten past the pointless and mindless prologue that was The Magician’s Apprentice, I was hoping that The Witch’s Familiar would be where the meat of the story would be. Sadly there’s barely any meat on this thing.

Yes, while The Witch’s Familiar has more narrative coherence than the previous episode did, sticking to one time and location for the most part, it’s in fact just as bad as The Magician’s Apprentice, if not worse.

Let’s start with the biggest problem. Davros. Specifically how he’s utilised. Seeing boy Davros on the Skaro battlefield was quite an exciting development and could have opened up some interesting directions for the character to go down. Unfortunately that’s not the case. Turns out the story is not about Davros at all. It’s, once again, all about the Doctor. What? You thought Moffat had finally stopped the introspective bullshit in Death In Heaven? You thought the Doctor’s speech about being just a guy in a box was the end of the matter? Well you’d be wrong, wouldn’t you? It looks like brooding angst is going to be a staple of the Twelfth Doctor’s tenure, so you’d better get used to it.

Good God, I’m so fucking tired of this crap. Not only has the Doctor’s constant, guilt driven introspection been serving as a detriment to numerous plots, it also doesn’t make a pixel of sense, especially when you consider who he spends most of his time talking to in this story. Remember in the episode Journey’s End back in the RTD era where Davros started flinging moral judgements at the Doctor? Remember how bloody stupid that was? Well The Witch’s Familiar is like that, but somehow even stupider (and I didn’t even think that was possible). Once again the Doctor’s good guy credentials are being criticised with no justification whatsoever, and it’s hard to take it seriously because it’s fucking Davros. Davros is the one waggling his finger disapprovingly at the Doctor. Davros. Forgive me if I don’t consider Space Hitler fit enough to judge the Doctor’s moral standing.

It’s such a shame because both Peter Capaldi and Julian Bleach really give it their all and you can tell they’re really trying for something hard-hitting and emotional, but it just doesn’t work because the whole thing is utterly ridiculous. At one point Davros asks the Doctor if he’s a good man and whether he did the right thing trapping his own race inside pepper pots, which is clearly supposed to mirror the Doctor’s question to Clara in Into The Dalek, but it’s so fucking daft because... IT’S FUCKING DAVROS! He’s a racist, genocidal maniac who performed brutal experiments on his own people and was responsible for the deaths of billions. Let’s just say Santa Claus won’t be paying him a visit anytime soon. That got quite possibly the biggest laugh out of me this whole episode. And it just gets even weirder when you consider the Doctor’s response. I could buy the Doctor visiting his deathbed, taking pity on him and even sharing a laugh with him (they’ve had a long history after all). But giving him some of his regeneration energy?

IT’S FUCKING DAVROS!!!

I know I must sound like a heartless bastard, but I honestly wasn’t moved by the Doctor and Davros’ interactions. Not even slightly. It’s just too stupid and too unlikely for words. And it just gets worse when you find out that the two have been lying to each other through their back bloody teeth this all time. Were you moved by Davros’ emotional pleas to the Doctor? Turns out he was lying the whole time! He just wanted the Doctor’s regeneration energy for his Daleks (they never explain why or how this would benefit the Daleks. Moffat was too busy trying to be clever rather than filling in that little detail for us) and didn’t mean a single fucking thing he said. But it’s okay because the Doctor was lying too! Yeah, he knew all along that Davros was lying and so played him at his own game, so not only does this have no emotional weight whatsoever, there’s also nothing even remotely at stake! Isn’t Moffat a genius?

I really wish the story had stuck with the Doctor and boy Davros because that was interesting. I even liked the idea of the Doctor giving up his sonic screwdriver due to his own guilt (although that’s later ruined thanks to the sonic sunglasses. Seriously?! Sonic fucking sunglasses?!?! Give me strength!), and had they left it with the Doctor abandoning boy Davros to his fate, it would have been fine. Instead Moffat had to take it one step further.

This whole scenario is clearly taking inspiration from the classic Who story Genesis Of The Daleks. Specifically a line uttered by Tom Baker’s Doctor during a pivotal moment of the story:

"If someone who knew the future pointed out a child to you and told you that that child would grow up totally evil, to be a ruthless dictator who would destroy millions of lives, could you then kill that child?"

Now if you haven’t already, I strongly urge you to watch Genesis Of The Daleks. It’s one of the best stories in the whole of Doctor Who (some even consider it to be the best) and every Whovian needs to watch it at least once. One of the many reasons why Genesis is so fondly remembered is because of the morally complex question at the centre. Terry Nation smartly chooses not to answer it, instead allowing the audience to come to their own conclusions. Steven Moffat, on the other hand, chooses to tackle the question head on. The Doctor is given the opportunity to exterminate boy Davros, but instead ends up saving him. But you see, by doing so, Moffat completely misses the point of Genesis Of The Daleks. It’s not about what the Doctor would or wouldn’t do. It’s about the question itself. Rather than expanding on the legacy of Genesis, Moffat ends up tarnishing it, sweeping all the moral complexity under the carpet and spoon-feeding us a neat and tidy answer. No of course the Doctor wouldn’t kill a child! Are you crazy? And all the millions of lives destroyed are very quickly brushed aside with some bullshit about mercy. Not only is it too simplistic, it also makes the Doctor come across like a complete hypocrite. While he’s busy trying to decide whether killing Davros is the right thing to do, he’s setting up the Daleks so that they can kill each other. Obviously this kind of manipulation is very much in character for the Doctor, but it’s ironic how he shows a lot of guilt and angst over a humanoid child, but doesn’t even so much as bat an eyelid at killing all the non-humanoid Daleks.

Let’s quickly talk about the Daleks. They always tend to suffer in Davros stories, and this is a perfect example of that. Yes we do get a lot of new info about the Daleks (most of which doesn’t make sense. Why dump old, decaying Daleks in the sewers? Why not just kill them? Isn’t that their usual MO? Obsession with purity and all that. And while the Dalek machine altering your speech sounds like a good idea and adds to the trapped and claustrophobic nature of the Daleks, it also completely contradicts what we already know about them. How did Ian Chesterton manage to have a conversation with the First Doctor, Barbara and Susan when he was in the Dalek machine?), but they’re also not in the slightest bit threatening, and that’s because nobody takes them seriously. You’ve got the Doctor whizzing around in Davros’ chair asking them if they want to play dodgems, you’ve got the Master back to her annoying, goofy self (the bitch is back? Moffat, may I remind you this is a kid’s show) undermining the Daleks’ authority at every turn. Add to that apparently it’s easy as fuck to cheat death thanks to the Master’s teleport and the TARDIS’ newfound superpowers, and the Daleks don’t really have a leg to stand on. If the show isn’t going to take them seriously, why the fuck should I?

Speaking of the Master, what are she and Clara even doing here? They contribute precisely nothing to the story at all. You could just cut them out of the story entirely and it wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference. And why does the Master try and trick the Doctor into killing Clara? What’s the point? Didn’t she bring the Doctor and Clara together in the first place? And why did she even do that? That’s never been explained. I wasn’t kidding when I said Missy was basically Moriarty in a dress back in my review of Death In Heaven because they both share the exact same problems. With both Moriarty and the Master, Moffat is trying desperately to emulate this kind of Joker style madness, but there’s more to the Joker than just being insane. He actually has consistent motives and morals, with his insanity serving that. With the Master and Moriaty, Moffat seems to be using insanity as a way to excuse his own shitty writing. There’s no need to create a consistent character with clear goals or proper reasoning behind their actions because they’re insane. It’s just incredibly fucking lazy and it’s an utter waste of the Master. Neither she nor Clara have any kind of agenda of their own, hence why they feel so superfluous.

Finally there’s the series arc. Usually bad arcs from Moffat are to be expected, but this is the first time I’ve ever been truly worried by the direction he’s going in. It seems that Moffat is going back into Listen territory and trying to redefine the important building blocks of the show. So there’s a prophecy about something called the Hybrid and apparently that’s why the Doctor ran away from Gallifrey in the first place. Like with Listen, it seems Moffat is once again trampling over one of the most integral parts of the Doctor’s character. His mystery. We don’t really know who he is, where he comes from or precisely why he left Gallifrey all those years ago, and we shouldn’t know either. It’s like dissecting a frog. Yes you could cut it open and find out how the insides work, but then you’d just be left with a bloody mess on the table. I have no idea where Moffat is going with this Hybrid stuff, but it seems like we’re going down a very dangerous path indeed and after all the damage he’s already caused over the years, I’m deeply concerned about him potentially lifting up the bonnet and messing with the vital components of the show.

Overall The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar is a pretty rubbish start to Series 9. Nonsensical plots, pointless padding, non-threatening villains, recycling of tired ideas and an attempt to expand on a classic Doctor Who story that ultimately misses the point by several galaxies.

[blanketforcas]

Previous post

Update: I’ve had exams for the past two weeks but I finally found time to translate the whole review. If anyone’s interested, this is it:

The fall of ‘Sherlock’

Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers. So, you are warned. Now we can peacefully analyse how our favourite show threw itself off a cliff – waterfall optional.

(Three stars)

“There must be something reassuring about the number three. People always give up after three”, a lying detective says in the middle of the second episode. By the end of this fourth season we were thinking the same thing: if only the makers had given up after three, indeed.

It had nevertheless started so well. Seven years ago, the Arthur Conan Doyle fanboys Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss decided to write their own fanfiction and bring Sherlock Holmes to the modern day. But 'Sherlock’ was so good that it became too popular. Lead actors Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman became overbooked superstars. Fans had to wait for years for seasons and in the meantime they made up so many potential scenarios that it became increasingly difficult to surprise the viewers. And look: 'Sherlock’ has become a parody, of itself and of… horror movies.

There’s already little good to say about the first episode, 'The Six Thatchers’. The death scene of Mary Watson, where she jumps faster than a bullet in front of Sherlock, is more Hollywood than BBC. Moreover, it’s hard to suddenly feel sympathetic toward a woman who shot Sherlock in the chest two episodes ago and threatened him on his sickbed. And why isn’t it Moriarty, but a plain secretary who gets to kill Mary? (Is it Administrative Professionals’ Day?)

Second episode 'The Lying Detective’ is worth five stars and brings up the average – just like Mrs Hudson. Here, John starts dealing with the death of his wife and eventually the fake suicide of his friend. The idea of the horror house has been done better by American Horror Story, the amnesia drug and the heartwrenching emotionality are Moffat at his best. Moreover, we are genuinely surprised when John’s therapist turns out to be four characters at once, and shoots him.

And with that the cat’s out of the bag: Eurus Holmes, the evil sister we never asked for, but that we got anyway. Because Moffat and Gatiss didn’t know how they could surprise us anymore. 'The Final Problem’, the most self-aware title ever, gives us the ultimate problem: do we engage in that complete madness? Is it a hommage to horror- and Bond movies, or is it the nail on our I-love-you-coffin?

Mostly, we deduce a lot of strange stuff. The hyperintelligent Eurus (kudos to Sian Brooke) has superpowers, because she can brainwash people after five minutes of smalltalk. She has modelled her long hair to the creepy girl from 'The Ring’, but can still fit two wigs underneath it. She can escape whenever, but chooses to stay in her Hannibal cell and record short movies with Moriarty. She designs a parody of 'Saw’ in her prison on Shutter Island, just for Mycroft, Sherlock and John, but right before they leave, she tries to blow them up with a grenade. Not a single scratch they suffer from that ridiculous explosion. Except maybe brain damage, because a little while later, doctor John Watson doesn’t recognise human bones anymore and the brilliant detective doesn’t quite know what exactly glass is anymore. And oh yeah, Redbeard, the dog we saw Sherlock pet so nicely last season? He was really a repressed memory of a little boy. Who eats from a dog bowl.

Admittedly, the episode is very exciting. Too bad that everything is solved with a hug. Should you forgive your psychopathic, murderous sister anyway? That Sherlock now plays the violin with her, is supposed to show us that he has completed his emotional development. He is no longer a high-functioning sociopath, but a person with feelings, is the message. Like inspector Greg Lestrade puts it, in a nice echo to the first episode, Sherlock is not a great man but even better: a good man. But that Sherlock has a heart (and for whom that beats), we have known for a long time.

From Mary’s irritating voice-over (shouldn’t she send a dvd to her daughter?) to the terrible freeze frame at the end: everything points to the fact that this third episode has been the very last ever. But what did they say again, about the number three? Do people always quit? The only thing left to do, is like quite some Sherlock fans hope that a next episode or season ties all the loose ends together. Maybe 'The Final Problem’ was a fever dream of the shot down John, like some are saying? Until then we will replace our memory of season four by a little dog.

[the-desolated-quill]

Asylum Of The Daleks - Doctor Who blog (Steven Moffat Fucks Up The Daleks)

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Series 7. Where Steven Moffat seemingly dispensed with the whole idea of a series arc and announced that each episode will be its own standalone mini-blockbuster. So lets start with Asylum Of The Dalek. Was it any good? Well funnily enough... No it wasn’t. Not even half good. It was fucking awful. Anyone with a brain could see how bloody terrible this was, or at least that’s what I assumed in my naivety. 

Yes, critical and fan reception at the time was overwhelmingly positive for Asylum Of The Daleks. Some even going so far as to call it one of the best Dalek stories ever written. But for the life of me I can’t see how they could possibly think that. Not only is Asylum of The Daleks another example of just how bad a writer Steven Moffat is and always has been, it’s quite possibly one of the worst stories Doctor Who has ever produced. And I’m not just saying that for effect. This story fails at a most basic level and quite frankly I’m astounded that anyone could possibly look at this and go ‘yeah, this is good. One of Moffat’s best in fact. Eggs anyone?’ Obviously this was back in 2012 where people were still willingly drinking Moffat’s Kool-Aid and deluding themselves into thinking he was actually clever (as opposed to, you know, a pretentious moron).

There’s so much wrong with this episode, it’s hard to know where to start. Well from the beginning I suppose. Yes, let’s start there.

The episode starts on Skaro... and immediately I’ve got questions. Didn’t they say Skaro was destroyed in the Time War? How did the Daleks resurrect it? How come the Doctor isn’t surprised that Skaro still exists? And why in God’s name would the Daleks build a giant statue of themselves?

The Doctor, Amy and Rory get captured by humans who have been Dalek-ified (I imagine Moffat thinks this is incredibly scary, but in reality it’s just really silly with the eye-stalks poking out of their foreheads and everything) and are taken to the... smirk... Parliament of the Daleks and speak to the... the... LOL! PRIME MINISTER of the Daleks!

OMG! Forgive me. I’ve always had some difficulty taking the Daleks seriously as villains, but this just takes the cake. PRIME MINISTER of the Daleks?! What, do the Daleks trundle along into voting booths and polling stations every five years? Are there Tory Daleks and Lib Dem Daleks? Are there some Daleks campaigning for cuts to immigration and others campaigning for bigger plungers? Do the Daleks have their own versions of satirical panel shows like Mock The Week and Have I Got News For You? Do the Daleks have a Monster Raving Looney Party? Please tell me the Daleks have a Monster Raving Looney Party!

And speaking of monster raving loonies, it turns out the Daleks have an asylum full of insane Daleks. Oh boy, what’s the best way to unpack this nonsense? Well let’s start with the obvious. Why would the Daleks have an insane asylum? Why not just kill the insane Daleks? That’s usually their MO, isn’t it? Anything less than pure gets exterminated, right? Well according to the Prime Minister of the Daleks (snigger), it is offensive to them to extinguish such divine hatred. Oh! Really?! Perhaps you should tell that to the Daleks who have killed members of their own species in the past for being fractionally impure. I don’t think they got the memo darling. 

And it just gets stupider and stupider the more it goes along. They want to cleanse the Asylum because a spaceship crash-landed on it and now they’re worried the insane Daleks are going to escape. Well why didn’t you just kill them in the first sodding place? And didn’t you just say a few seconds ago it was offensive to extinguish such divine hatred? Make your minds up guys! But then it turns out they can’t actually destroy the Asylum because it’s covered by an impenetrable forcefield. But hold on, it can’t be that impenetrable. A pissing spaceship just crash-landed on it. So they send the Doctor (yes the Daleks have asked their greatest enemy for help. No I don’t get it either. Just go along with it) inside the Asylum to turn the forcefield off. That’s the impenetrable forcefield that can only be turned off from the inside of the fully automated Asylum that doesn’t require a Dalek to operate it. In other words, the insane Daleks have complete unrestricted access to their own forcefield and teleporter that no one from the outside can possibly get into (unless they’re in a crashing spaceship for some reason). That’s basically like giving the prisoners the keys to their own cells.

Moffat fans, are you sure this is one of the best Dalek stories ever. Because from what I can see, this episode is a complete and utter shambles, and we’re only 5 or 10 minutes in.

Let’s quickly talk about the insane Daleks. You know, the ones the Daleks are afraid of? Must be some dangerous, homicidal nutters in that Asylum, mustn’t there? So what do they do that makes them so frightening? Well they’re incredibly slow, have really bad aim and screech the word ‘Eggs’ a lot.

Um... how is that scary? Why would the Daleks be frightened of them?... WATCH OUT! THAT DALEK IS COMPLETELY INEFFECTUAL! ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Now here’s something that will get hardcore Whovians excited. Apparently there are some classic series Daleks that will be playing a big part in this episode. Awesome! Let’s see if we can find them, shall we?

Right then, well... there was that Jon Pertwee era Dalek spinning around in the background in that one scene, and um.... oh I did see that Special Weapons Dalek briefly for a couple of seconds... um... No. Actually that’s about it. So when Moffat said that classic series Daleks would be playing a part in the episode, he just meant one or two of them would make cameo appearances. Well that’s underwhelming at best and blatant false advertising at worst. What’s even weirder is that at one point the Doctor meets Dalek survivors from previous encounters he had with them like on Spirodon and Kembel and so on, but the Daleks we see are post 2005 Daleks rather than classic series Daleks from their respective eras. Whoops.

But that’s not the only thing Moffat fucks up. There’s also Amy and Rory’s marriage. Remember when we last saw them in The Doctor, The Widow, And The Wardrobe? They were sitting down for Christmas dinner, looking very happy. Now all of a sudden, they’re getting a divorce.

Now I’m sure this bizarre tonal shift wasn’t quite as noticeable at the time because there were months between the Christmas special and this episode, but if you’ve been watching each episode one after the other like I’ve been doing, it’s incredibly jarring. What the fuck happened? It just feels so utterly random.

So why did Amy and Rory split up? Because Amy is sterile now apparently. Yes, she’s utterly barren now and so she pushed Rory away for his own good. Okay. There’s a LOT wrong with this. The casual sexism for one thing, with Moffat once again implying that the only strength or worth a woman has is in her uterus. Rory’s total lack of agency is another issue. Amy just kicks Rory out of the house without telling him what the problem is or giving him a chance to decide for himself. Oh and I could do without the spousal abuse being disguised as girl power thing. Amy slapping Rory isn’t cute and sexy. It’s assault and battery. In fact it actually gets more uncomfortable than that as you realise that not only does Moffat seem to be medically incapable of writing a healthy relationship, he honestly believes this is a healthy relationship. Let me put it this way. I can understand Amy and Rory wanting to take some time apart to reevaluate things, but do you know how long it usually takes to finalise a divorce here in the UK? Four months. Are you seriously telling me that Amy and Rory never talked about this FOR FOUR MONTHS?! Do they even want to be together?! And just when you think this couldn’t get any more insulting, it turns out all their marital troubles are solved in the end thanks to a two minute conversation. So it was all basically just a gigantic waste of time. This is a real emotional tragedy a lot of couples go through and Moffat has just pulled it out of his arse in order to add to some artificial tension to his shit story. And people wonder why I hate him so much.

Dear God, this is fucking terrible. Can this episode possibly get any worse?

Well, well, well. My arch-nemesis. At last we finally meet.

Oswin is without a doubt the worst character Moffat has ever written. In fact she’s not even a character. That would be too generous. She’s a Mary Sue with no interesting personality traits and whose dialogue can easily be interchanged with River’s or Amy’s or every other female character Moffat has ever written. She’s a ‘strong female character’ in inverted commas only. There’s no effort to actually develop her character or to make her come across as a relatable or believable human being. She’s just yet another Moffat siren. Plus she just irradiates smug. I can’t tell if it’s the writing or Jenna Coleman’s performance, but she just gets under my skin. There’s just something about her I find profoundly irritating. Maybe it’s the fact that all her dialogue consists of nothing but unfunny wisecracks, patronising nicknames  and sexual innuendos. Maybe it’s the fact that despite being in mortal peril, she never reacts in a believable way, instead acting like a total smartarse. Maybe it’s the fact that her deus ex machina powers effectively reduce the Doctor to a secondary character in his own show. Do you know that feeling you get when someone scrapes their nails across a chalkboard? Well Oswin is the physical manifestation of that. She’s just incredibly obnoxious. So you can imagine my joy when she got killed off at the end. That was a happy relief. I mean can you imagine what it would have been like if they made her a companion? Now that would have been unbearable. Good thing that’s never going to happen, right?... Ri... Right?

So at the end it’s revealed that Oswin has been a Dalek all along, which would have been a tragic twist if I actually gave a shit about her and if it weren’t so utterly stupid. What’s the point of that nano-cloud? Why would the Daleks need a nano-cloud to convert humans? How are humans supposed to get into the Asylum if it’s covered by an IMPENETRABLE forcefield? How come the Daleks are converting humans in the first place? That’s the Cybermen’s schtick. Again, has Steven Moffat ever actually watched Doctor Who before? And oi, since when have the Daleks been telepathic? That’s the first I’ve heard about it. You’re just making this shit up as you go along, aren’t you Moffat?

And then comes the awful resolution. The cherry on top of the dung heap. Oswin somehow manages to hack into all of the Daleks and make them forget about the Doctor. Putting aside some of the more obvious problems like Moffat stripping everything interesting out of the Doctor and the Daleks’ antagonistic relationship for his stupid twist ending and how the fuck was Oswin, a lone Dalek in a mental asylum, able to make every single Dalek in the universe forget about him, what’s truly horrific about this is the return of the dreaded ‘Doctor who?’ It was bad enough when a chorus of Daleks was squawking it ad nauseam, but when the Doctor started chanting it too in the final scene, it became too much to bear. PLEASE GOD, SOMEONE, MAKE IT STOP!

Asylum Of The Daleks is an absolute train wreck from start to finish. It’s absolutely littered with plot holes and continuity errors, the characterisation is beyond atrocious, the villains are stupid and ineffectual, and the so called emotional core of the story is pointless, misogynistic and nonsensical. And apparently it’s one of the best Dalek stories ever written? I don’t know which version of the story you lot have been watching, but I would love to see it. I’m afraid the version I’ve just watched was complete and utter shite.