#whyyyyy can’t I just get over myself

[crookedwolf1974]

I feel like I should be posting more snippets of strollonso fics or ideas and stuff that I have but my chronic fear of being perceived in a way I cannot control hmmmm holds me back me thinks….so my terrible little ideas and deranged thoughts and nsfw ideas and snippets and fics in general I leave behind in my little hole as I crawl out to pretend I am a normal member of the f1 rpf society

[stevieschrodinger]

Part One Five

“Robs!” Steve shouts through the apartment, toeing his shoes off at the door.

“Kitchen!”

Steve heads through, and he can’t help but notice something looks kind of off. It looks different in here but he can’t quite put his finger on it, “Robs, did you do something to your apartment?”

“Yeah, I cleaned it.”

“Oooh. Yeah,” Steve looks back through the kitchen doorway, “yeah, that’s what’s different.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too, bitch.”

“Fuckface.”

Steve frowns, there’s a cookbook propped open and actual like, fresh ingredients on the chopping board, “what are you doing?”

“Is that a rhetorical question because-”

“Robs, I have literally never seen you cook anything more complicated than eggs and toaster waffles, what is this,” Steve goes over to be nosy, “chicken satay skewers and bang bang cauliflower- what the actual fuck. I didn’t even know you knew what recipe books were.”

“Fuck off. And it’s for Chrissy, she said it’s her favorite-”

“Oh my god. I’m dead. I’m dead aren’t I. I got into a crash on the way-”

“Steve.”

“Alternate dimension-”

“Jesus Christ-”

“Abducted by aliens?”

“Steve, I can cook a nice meal for my girlfriend, alright, it’s not, like, illegal-”

“Your what?!”

She stops and actually turns to look at him, she’s wearing her absolute dead serious face, “Steve. I like her. A lot.”

“So now you’re what, fucking pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen-”

“Steve! Look. She’s clever. She’s funny. She’s kind. She calls me out on my bullshit and she is extremely hot doing it. She plays volleyball Steve. Volleyball. Have you ever seen girls play volleyball? Not only is it insanely aggressive but the shorts are so tiny they’re on the verge of disappearing up her crack and it’s socially acceptable for me to go out and watch that Steve.”

“Yeah but- you don’t have to like, date her to get all of that-”

“I do. I do Steve. Because I want to. We can’t just do,” she gestures vaguely, “this for our entire lives.”

“But whyyyyy?” Steve whines.

“Because we have to grow up at some point.”

“Yeah but...now?” Steve knows he’s pouting.

“Good a time as any, anyway, aren’t you literally about to go to dinner at Eddie’s uncles place? Literally the only notable family member that he has? His only parental figure and therefore the most important person in his life-”

“You can stop now.”

“I’m just saying that sounds kind of serious-”

“I will throw myself off the roof to get out of this dinner. Don’t test me.”

Robin completely ignores him, “I’ve seen how Eddie looks at you,” Steve scoffs, rolling his eyes, “Steve, that boy looks at you like he’d crawl a mile over broken glass to sniff your farts. Could you just like, appreciate that about him for thirty god damn seconds.”

Steve has a range of acceptable beer. He has picked up a six pack of something from uncomfortably near the bottom of that range. He takes a deep breath as he grabs it off the passenger seat.

Steve’s pretty sure he’s never been inside a trailer once in his damned life, and he has absolutely no idea what to expect. From the outside it looks...cramped. Steve’s certain his entire bedroom is bigger than this whole place.

Steve prepares himself to be polite about whatever he’s about to walk into.

Eddie fucking lights up when he opens the door, it makes Steve skin itchy while simultaneously something flaps about in his stomach, “oh wow, you bought the good beer!” Eddie looks thrilled as he takes it to put in the fridge.

Which he makes it to in about four steps because the kitchen is like, right there. And Steve’s taken one step in through the door and he’s already in the middle of the lounge, which is, efficient, he guesses.

“Here, come sit at the table, Wayne’s about done with dinner.”

“Errr...thanks.” Eddie indicates a place at a cramped little built in breakfast nook type thing, and Steve slides in just as Wayne appears from down the hall.

It was fucking awkward getting in, it’s even more awkward getting straight back out again so he can shake Wayne’s hand, “good to see you again Sir.”

Steve gets a firm handshake, and then not two minutes later he’s eating the first bite of what might be the best thing he’s ever put in his mouth. Wayne Muson makes a pot roast that should win a Michelin Star. Who could have fucking predicted that.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, it’s grieving anon. Here for the vibes today. TAYLOR SWIFT… I mean… 

So, ive had a few weird things happen. I got distracted and fell over, and injured myself so yay… and then I had the weirdest thing happen.

So I mentioned I got nightmares right? That I woke my mum up by shouting and sitting up in my sleep. So I have a bunk bed (small room- needed space for a desk). And a few days ago I had this creepy dream and legit propelled myself out of bed- still half asleep and panicking. Then had to climb back in. 

And last night I literally crawled from lying down to the other end of my bed and climbed over the bars and fell OVER and OFF my bed to the floor 😭

You know the length of like, a normal door? It was like that far that I fell. I woke up both my parents. 

IM 16! I shouldn’t be flying out of bed. Luckily i’m not too hurt tho. I remember the dream, I was just climbing over a fence, I couldn’t feel the floor but I knew it was there so I let go, and then I WOKE UP ON MY FUCKIGN FLOOR. 

Like whyyyyy.

Anyway. So Long, London. My first favourite. “HOW MUCH SAD DID YOU, think I had, did you, think I had in me, HOW MUCH TRAGEDY?”

Then, of course, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart. AMAZING. Yes.

And, Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? 

So far, they’re my fav but i’m sure the others will claw their way into my heart too. 

Anyway, my sisters been annoying me. She seems annoyingly fine. She called all the injury’s i’ve been getting “pre-exam” injuries… NO! They’re post fucking death injuries. 

I know her, I know she’s suffering in silence. But it means whenever I see her, she seems fine. And it’s fucking annoying. 

I don’t know anymore. My mum, she said her nightmares went away after my Nans death when she went to a grief therapist or something. i’ve never gone to a therapist. I don’t know how it’d feel. And, I don’t really have the time. 

But I don’t want to wake up on my floor again. 

I feel like I blinked and my life became this mess I can’t control. And I have no energy to anymore. I lost all my fire. I used to strive to learn and care and participate. Now i’d happily rot away. Why bother. 

Anyway (that’s like the third time i’ve said that now 🤦‍♀️) “IM JUST GETTING COLOUR BACK INTO MY FACE IM JUST MAD AS HELL CAUSE I LOVED THIS PLACE” 

Writing these at the end of some of my days has been very stress relieving so thank you. I’ve bullied myself into not picking the scab on the horrid massive cut I got from falling over. I’ve refrained from pressing into the bruises I got from sleep falling/climbing off my stupid bed. 

“IS IT A WONDER I BROKE. LETS HEAR ONE MORE JOKE”

 This isn’t even my usual music vibe 😭

“DONT YOU WORRY FOLKS, WE TOOK OUT ALL HER TEETH” Iconic. 

“YOU SHOULD BE. YOU SHOULD BE.”

“YOU WOULDN’T LAST AN HOUR IN THE ASYLUM WHERE THEY RAISED ME”

Literally everything i’ve tried to do this week has failed. School work, running, sleeping.

I’m so tired. 

Hi hon! I'm so glad to hear from you! <3

Nightmares after a loss are SUPER common, and you're right to know that they don't have to do with exams. As far as therapy, I know you said you don't have time, and I used to say the same thing but then I got to thinking...

I wasted SO much time being sad, run down, anxious, depressed. Like I probably spent at least an hour a day in anxiety paralysis, you know? So devoting an hour a week to STOPPING those symptoms actually saves me time, in the long run.

It may not feel the same for you, but it's something to think about! <3

I'm so glad you like TTPD. Using music to cope is also super helpful. Screaming lyrics is so...emotionally rejuvinating.

Keep messaging me <3 I'm thinking of you!

[gigantomachylesbian]

Woke up sad and stressed whyyyyy. I need to decide if I’m going to do this bird research summer opportunity but it would mean two months of being away from home (after hardly seeing my family and friends at all the rest of the semester) AND I also don’t even know if my knee is healed enough for me to do it. AND I think I might die if I don’t rest over the summer at least a little bit. 

Like I feel bad because it’s a really great opportunity and the professors running it are two I really like and they asked me to apply personally... and I know if I don’t do it this year I probably won’t even get to do it at all. And I do love science and research. BUT I wasn’t even going to apply until they asked and I know I’m not planning to major in biology anymore anyways... and I should not let feelings of not wanting to let them down stop me from making the right choice

ALSO, significantly, my leg is still fucked up! It’s been better this week but I’m pretty sure that’s just because I’m home+not doing the sitting at a desk all day and walking that I’m doing when at school, and even if it is genuinely getting better, spending 8 hours every day standing and stomping through native grasslands is a lot. ugh I feel like I’m just making an excuse though I’m probably genuinely fine... 

Also I need to spend time today learning my birds in general for ornithology, we’re going to start doing ID quizzes soon and I am SO genuinely scared for them since they’re so unpredictable and I’m bad at doing things on the fly. I just feel like I can’t think fast enough to do it. But I just have to practice and quiz myself

in conclusion: blerghelbeblerrhgghh 

[small-doodle-ist]

Sometimes I think about the fact that I totally COULD do like ~ spicy fanart and have real fun with it or do other actual good art. Or at least decent stuff id be proud of. I totally could because there are a few things I managed to do over the years that show me I HAVE the ability. But I am simply so stressed and exhausted with existence ever since I started studying that I just don’t have the energy for that. Good thing is I have my masters degree now and im officially done and out of uni. But trying to find a job is super duper exhausting and scary for my socially anxious ass as well! Who would have thought! So now - when I actually would have time - compared when I hopefully do find a job and have no more free time much - I can’t do art because I spend all my days procrastinating applying to places (I did apply already but going on keeps being scary as hell).

I don’t know why I post this lol, it’s not like anyone reads this stuff here 😂 but I feel like I have to say it. Somewhere where people will maybe understand. Or have the same struggle. I know it’s actually not that uncommon to be so exhausted by these tasks. Really, social anxiety is such a bitch. Like I don’t even have problems with normal social interaction, it just comes up with carrier and academia and paralyzes me with fear out of the blue. Thanks dad. You gave me so many tools for life! To fail at all the basic tasks! While constantly feeling like crying and puking for months. So cool. Raised me really good yes yes I’m so well behaved (paralyzed by fear).

Sorry for the rant I’m just so sad and angry that I can’t seem to get a hold of my life. I just want to have a stable life consisting of a small flat, a job and some friends. Why is it so hard for me? Like I want to work at that one hospital lab but I’m soooo scared of the job interview? And I am scared that they will call instead of mail and I’ll be stupid on the phone because if someone calls me who is authority I suddenly forget how talking works.

And I tell myself, and I KNOW, it doenst really matter? I’m gonna fail the first few interviews anyway. And I don’t care, I’ll learn, and get better at it. This is what my brain thinks. Because in reality, after whatever event I f up, I usually don’t really care for longer than a day. I tell people, laugh at myself, done. And yet, beforehand, I need to panick for weeks and months. Whyyyyy. It’s just not fair I want this to be gone! I swear, I’m sooo competent and hard working and all that. I just f up small talk. God, why is this irrelevant shit always the most important thing for them. Like ohhh tHe FiRsT iMprEsSiOn! sELL yOuRSeLf! SaY tHe RiGhT ThiNgS! ??? Fu! I can’t even say the right things to the cashier when I buy groceries (although here I don’t have a care in the world) but how am I supposed to manage it in such an important situation!!!

Ah sorry again. Rant.

PS: if anyone reads this and related. Please let me know. You would make me feel like … 1000% better.

[sungbeam]

BESTIE BAEEEEEEEEE

I’m back 🤭🤭🤭

Tbh its been a rough few weeks 💀 ALSO HELP HOW COME EVERY TIME I DISAPPEAR YOU WHIP OUT SO MANY SCRUMPDILIUMPTIOUS FICS LIKE??? Not that I’m complaining tho 😋😋

Firstly, Occupied… hmmm mhmnn yeahh lemme just say that your impulsive thoughts are so valid 😔🙏 buT J E S U S DID YOU HAVE TO PUT MY HEART IN THE CROSSFIRE- I think I had to stare at my ceiling for a bit afterwards cause like damn… I love my man🗿

Secondly, Rhapsody Anonymous… had my kicking my feet as per usual 🙄🙄 and tbh the fact that both parties were valid in their reasoning for not wanting to out each other and tbh I would also be struggling on deciding whether to spill my identity or not 😭😭 but it was saUR SITIEKR CUTE 😭 man I feel like I set myself up each time I read/re-read the love in unity series cause each time they just call me more and more single and alone 😔💔 BUT FRET NOT I WILL USE THIS AS MOTIVATION AND LECTURE NOTES ON HOW TO GET A GOOD MAN 😤‼️

ALSO OMG DID YOU WATCH BARBIE YET??? Ok I think I gotta calm down I’ve been using too many caps 💀 but Lip Gloss is so Barbie too and the MV is literally a bunch of Kens doing Beach and you can’t convince me otherwise 😤☝️

My personal ranking of the album would be:

1. Fantasize

2. Fire Eyes

3. Passion Fruit

4. Lip Gloss

5. Lighthouse

6. Fairy Tale

But I honestly love all of them and I’ve listened to the album non-stopppppp!

Also yesss I did watch the zeneration behind and tell my whyyyyy New and Kevin ATE 🫣

Also the newest lip gloss mv behind took me OUT esp Changmin wiping TF OUTTTT with the volleyball net like eye- 💀💀

Also just to sneak in a lil abt the pcs… you din’t want to see the Totoro pcs… TRUST 😨😨 not safe for my mental health at ALL

Ouuu also my turn!

1. My fav bread would have to be seed bread! Not like, multigrain bread and idk if the right name is seed bread but it’s just in the name it’s bread made with a bunch of seeds mixed in 😭😭

2. My quirky snow app filter pics… oooooohhhh I hope those never see the light of day again 💀

3. No. 🗿

(But also just like you said, I’m patient but I’m also getting a lil bit impatient at the same time 😔)

4. The Robinson’s kid from meet the Robinsons…. Also Diego,,, and the Kratts broth-*gets shot*

Oh and maybe a few more questions!

1. Are you a tea person or a coffee person? What’s your fav drink?

2. Do you have a sweet tooth? If so, what’s your fav pastry?

3. If you could recommend any MUST HAVE food from your culture, what would it be?

(Can you tell that I’m craving a midnight snack rn 💀)

Oh also! I finally decided to start of my getting-back-into-reading journey with reading a book that has intrigued me and has been floating around a lot, Bunny by Mona Awad! I’ll let you know how it goes in a lil solo book club way 🫡

“I don’t know what they’re called, the spaces between seconds— but I think of you always in those intervals.” (Salvador Plascencia)

- Smooches + Smooches, 🌷 anon

omgg hi bestie 🤧🤧 what's been rough for u 😔 have u started school yet ☹️💔 im like,,, not ready to go back to uni, i wanna be a professional couch potato pls and thanks 😔

LOL pls (´Д⊂ヽ occupied was such a spur of the moment thing 💀 literally was going through MAJOR eric sohn brainrot and just had to get my thoughts down before i Combusted. bro... stared at my ceiling for a good while trying to find the perfect pics for that banner 😭 why's he gotta look that yummy 😭

aknfksnfkdkdk glad u liked rhaps anon bffie !!! bro frfr like this series is just me PROJECTING 💔💔💔 im projecting so VIOLENTLY it's embARRassing 💀 omg low-key i just remembered i pretty much based sunwoo's anonymous situation w how tumblr anons work 😭😭 but yeah for sure, i would also be kind of panicking over secret identities skfnkdnf

OMG I DID WATCH BARBIE I WATCHED IT ON PREMIERE NIGHT AND GOT GLAMMED UP !!! ur sooooooo so right omG??? lip gloss really is just a bunch of Kens doing Beach 😭😭 they're all Kenough for me tbh skcbsjnf but ugh omg im like obsessed w kevins little kick in the beginning of the choreo, and eric's one other jump thing, and chanhee's red light green light skfnkenfkdnfj such a good mv w so much fic potential tbh !!

hmmmm i haven't been listening to it as obsessively as i did be awake tbh 😭 maybe i'm just tired of summer songs 💔 but i would have to say i liked fantasize, fairytale, and fire eyes the most!! the whole album is a bop tho i do agree 🤸‍♀️😋

OH MY GOSH DO U MEAN NYUKEV ON THE STRIPPER POLES WKFNKENFKDNF HELP I SAW THAT CHANGMIN CLIP TOO 💀💀 I LAUGHED SO HARD IM SORRY CHANGMIN DONT HURT ME— omg but they were filming a variety show too and changmin lost a game and abused his gopro 😭😭😭 i felt so bad for that camera, but also low-key....... can that be me...

VRO I ALREADY SAW THE TOTORO ONES AKDNKSNFJD i was debating getting the album or joining a go for those special pcs but i ended up not doing it 😔

LMAO IM SORRY but when i saw seed bread, i just immediately thought of birds 😭😭 unrelated but i got a birb plush from daiso a couple days ago and i named him clyde 😎😎 THE SNOW FILTER APP SJFJKSJDJD I FEKT THAT DW 😭 OMG DIEGO UR SO RIGHT !!! (゜-゜) like sorry dora, ur cousin is much more entertaining ksnfkend

OMGGG i really need to start reading again 😭 it's awful how i can't even pick up a book anymore it's so embarrassing being an english major like this 💔 BUT YES PLS LMK HOW U LIKE IT o7

"& how many times have you loved me without my asking? how often have i loved a thing because you loved it? including me." - D. Smith, acknowledgements

— i love love loved you, and i'll love you all over again too 💖

[mangoisms]

what if. i started arañita wip over

like get rid of what i have until now. What If. i mean i won’t DELETE everyrhing. i don’t know I DONT KNOWWWWWW. this one has me wracking my brain because. i’m just not engaged enough. that’s the truth. one i haven’t wanted to confront because i hate the thought. i’m not engaged i’m not CONSUMED with anything i’m writing

i mean i AM tim and leah have been on my brain constantly for the last six months but. the future stuff. not the stuff i have to get through. it’s important it’s the foundation and i don’t want to say it’s BORING but like. maybe it is!!!! maybe that’s why i can’t engaged!!! maybe it’s just a flaming dumpster fire!!! a dead horse upon which i am beating!!!!

like the idea itself is so interesting to me. right. and it’s exciting it’s FUN. but?????? everything i write. it’s a drag. i’m like. dragging myself through it. i don’t know whyyyyy and it’s so frustrating

maybe it’s not the story maybe it’s just. me. idk. there’s just a lot going on. i really wanted to finish writing the first part of the series this summer since i start grad school in the fall and THATS another thing i’m terrified of i keep oscillating between ‘it’s going to be fine’ and ‘you are absolutely not qualified to be here’ and ‘you have made the worst decision of your life’ and ‘you’re not going to have time for anything else’ and AAAAAAAA I DONT KNOW maybe i’m just psyching myself out thinking it’s going to kill me so i feel too much pressure and. i don’t know. i’m just. not happy with the project right now and i think i might need to start it over again. find another starting point

[keefwho]

March 28 - 2023

10:52 AM

Its one of those days I desperately do not want to work on things and I technically don’t have to. Ultimately I’m ahead on commissions so financially it wouldn’t be a bad decision. Everything else I have scheduled is optional, free work I do for myself. Sometimes I forget it should be okay for me to scrub the projects that don’t pay me. But to me its like not going to the gym. It’s important to me to do it all. Especially when I don’t feel like I deserve rest yet. 

I don’t know what the problem is. I’m burnt out maybe? Thinking too much about other things? I think it’s burn out. 

1:10 PM

Whyyyyy do I feel like this. Is this a self worth problem? Why don’t I feel valuable unless I’m creating something? I don’t like this. I’m trying to rest but I can’t stop thinking about my responsibilities. This is so much time I could spend doing things that matter. But I’m doing nothing. Why can’t I convince myself that that’s okay. 

I guess I feel lonely too. I don’t want to find myself going down a mental spiral today. I hope I’m too aware to let that happen like it has in the past. I know I’m not alone, its just at this moment things aren’t going how I’d like them to. I’m burnt out and have no one to hang out with. But it will all pass. Tomorrow hopefully I’ll pick myself back up and be productive like I’d like to be. 

3:02 PM

So, I think at the moment I don’t feel anything. But I want to and I’m gravitating towards easy ways of forcing emotion or experience. The easiest way is usually to jerk off, which I did. But I can tell I’m really forcing it to happen. Another way could be remembering things that make me sad, or convincing myself of things like how lonely I am because at least then I’m feeling SOMETHING. There are some positive feelings I can try to force too but the ways I would do that would be unhealthy. I’ve never realized this before. I think what would help would be to listen to what my heart wants. It can be hard to truly know what it’s saying though. I could also do something about the things that weigh on my mind that might be holding me back. 

11:20 PM

I think I’ve identified some problems. First of all is my apprehensiveness to be myself, even when I’m alone. I think sometimes I get too involved in a schedule and it obligates me to adhere to it a little too much. Even how I think and feel ends up trying to match how I think it “should” be, subconsciously. It takes intentional reminding to let myself go and open myself back up. 

Today I lost touch with my values again and that was probably the biggest issue. I don’t know why, maybe because of the reason above. Maybe it’s natural to burnout on your values, especially if you don’t have many to pick from. While doing dishes I was thinking about what I’m going to do tomorrow and why. The big part is WHY. Everything I do, especially the things on my schedule, needs to have a reason. Obviously commissions are my job, they make me money. But with personal projects, sometimes I have no desire to work on them and there is no other reason to. And that should be okay. I get too wrapped up thinking that I SHOULD be doing it though because its in the schedule. Because I pre-computed it to be important. But maybe I can let go of things sometimes or do them differently. 

I’ve also been watching the Chris Chan documentary and in some ways I’ve been questioning my own sanity over it. I’m not too far in, only on episode 7 and so far I’ve been able to related to him in (some) ways. Loosely too. One strategy I have when trying to explore myself and my feelings is by analyzing other people’s situations and seeing if I can relate in any way. Chris Chan’s early life/internet presence makes me think of when I was in late grade school and early high school. I had friends I was very different from. I became heavily invested in fiction, art, and roleplaying. I felt weird, sort of like an outcast. And I felt extremely lonely. Not only in the sense that I couldn’t relate in general, but also in the sense that I would never find love. I don’t think I’m like Chris Chan in the slightest but seeing his situation has reminded me of a lot of my past. 

Now I’m questioning if I still am that weird outcast. I don’t think I am but maybe I’ve become too used to it. The thing too is I don’t think what I do is what makes me weird, its how other people treat the things I do. I don’t think I have to have things in common or behave the same way to relate and be friends with people. The core issue is people’s unwillingness to accept that EVERYONE is weird. We all have quirks and bizarre interests which I think is a great thing. If only more people could be accepting of all our traits. 

[sunfloo-wers]

*walking back over to tumblr with a pair a scissors, a shitty scalpel, and like 5 paintbrushes in one hand, 4 different pliers I barely know how to use and a box a mini brads in the other, absolutely covered in the wispy bits of hot glue and paint marks all over my arms and face. Also have a much too heavy wire spool placed precariously on my knee and you can barely see the floor through the paper scraps* “I’m fine I promise, it’ll all be over soon, never let me do this again though”

(I am fine, am having fun, and will do it again, you can’t stop me)

Heyyyyyyyyyyy so that ain’t happening

The Lamp of yesterday is a liar don’t trust it!

TURNS OUT I HAVE TO DO METALWORKING! Need I remind the people who don’t live in my walls, THIS IS A WATERCOLOR PROJECT I am a painter why am I being forced to use pliers and wire whyyyyy :C (I did this to myself there’s no one to blame but me)

ahem, uhhhh no I won’t say why quite yet (though based on previous “lamp attempts to art” posts, you may be able to guess) but hopefully (crossing my fingers so fucking much) it’ll be done next weekend? Pleaseeeee I can’t art during the week days because busy so it’s really unlikely it’ll be done before then but hopefully hopefully hopefully I can finish it

also! To the people who sent in art ideas/requests like a month ago when I last talked about it (btw those are always open, I think a safe bet is that they’ll always be done within the year but hopefully sooner of course) I promise that those will be done as soon as this is over with, I have not forgotten about them, in fact in my head there is a fully rendered painting but in the physical world it is but only a really poorly done sketch, I can’t wait to share it though!)

anyways just over here letting anyone who may care know that I am only digging this hole deeper (is this the art equivalent of the like “I think this’ll be a one shot” to “I this at most will be like 3 chapters” to a 20 chapter fic, if so how did I get here and how do I leave)

I am so close to being done with this project

maybe later today they will finally be done

maybe

it’s already far later than I thought it was so maybe not

…I probably shouldn’t wield sharp objects and hot glue guns when I’m tired but fuck it

[mellowsadistic]

I couldn’t stop myself from whining and wriggling about fussily in my crib. I knew it would just make me look even more babyish, but being in nappies was just so disgusting!

“You’ve been a very bad girl, little one,” Daddy scolded, looking down at me sternly.

I cried and whimpered. “Pwease Daddy!” I mumbled around my pacifier. “Pwease change my nappy! I don’t wanna go to bed poopy! I’m sowwy I was naughty! Pwease!”

“No, darling. You were a very, very naughty girl for trying to take your nappy off to use the potty. You do not use the potty anymore, do you understand me? You lost your big girl privileges permanently, and that means no more toilets. Ever. When you need to go pee-pee or poo-poo, you go in your pants like the silly little girl you are."

“But whyyyyy!” I wailed. “It’s so yucky, Daddy!”

He reached in and smacked me hard on the seat of my messy nappy, making it squish horribly against my bottom.

“Ewwwwww!” I whined.

“Being in stinky nappies is just something you’re going to have to get used to, sweetheart,” he said. “This is your life now. You agreed to let me diaper train you, and that’s the end of the matter. Besides, it’s too late. I’ve already made the announcement about your ‘incontinence’ on all your social media accounts.”

“You… WHAT?!” I demanded. My dummy fell from my open mouth. He’d talked about telling people I was incontinent as a cover for the fact that I’d be wearing nappies 24/7, but I thought it had just been a fantasy! Surely he hadn’t actually…

He took my phone out of his pocket and held it up to the bars of my crib to see. My Facebook was open on the screen.

Hi everyone! I have an announcement to make. It’s a bit embarrassing, but I decided it would be for the best if everyone knows. I was recently diagnosed with incontinence. For anyone who doesn’t know, that means I can’t control when I pee or poop, so I just go in my pants like babies do. Unfortunately it’s totally permanent. The doctor assured me 100% that I’ll never be able to get my control back, and that means I’ll have to wear nappies for the rest of my life. If I don’t, I’ll just leave yucky messes everywhere! I’m going to be in nappies 24/7 from now on, so don’t be alarmed if you see my bottom looking a bit bulky (and if you see me without a nappy, you should ask me what on Earth I think I’m doing)! Anyway, that’s all I had to say. I hope you don’t treat me any differently now you all know I’m not potty trained anymore. Thank you! x

I stared at the screen in horror. The announcement had already been liked by over a hundred of my friends.

“No!” I cried, tears forming in my eyes. “NO!”

Daddy put my phone back in his pocket and looked down at me with a satisfied expression on his face. I knew there was no going back now. Everyone thought I was incontinent! Permanently! How could I ever explain it to them if I stopped wearing nappies?!

“Sorry, sweetie,” Daddy said. “But this is for the best. You’re just a stupid little girl who pees and poops her nappies, and now everyone knows it.”

I burst into tears and started kicking my legs and slamming my fists against the mattress of my tiny, cramped crib. My life as a respectable adult was over! Now everyone would just think of me as some stupid oversized baby who couldn’t even use the toilet!

“It’s okay, precious girl,” Daddy said softly, reaching into my crib to stroke my hair. I knew I should be furious with him, but I was so upset that I couldn’t help but be comforted by his gentle touch. “I promise this is for the best. You’re going to be in nappies 24/7, and now you don’t have to worry about other people finding out you’re not allowed to use toilets, since they all think you can’t use them anyway.” I cried even harder at that, and Daddy picked up my dummy and popped it back into my mouth for me to suck on. “Okay baby, time for beddy-byes. You can stay in your messy nappy until the morning and think about what a naughty girl you were for trying to use the potty like an adult. Daddy will change your tomorrow.”

I whimpered and squirmed, but Daddy just left, turning off the light on his way out. I had nothing else to do except try to get comfortable in my dirty nappy, and cry myself to sleep thinking of the adulthood that I’d lost forever.

[killian-whump]

Okay... I paid the $5 and watched the video, because I’ve been pretty good this year and it’s still kinda Christmas time, so it’s a gift to myself.

~ Give Yourself the Gift of Colin O’Donoghue ~

He’s free to use that, you know, as a slogan or tagline. I won’t charge him or anything. Have your people call my people, Colin. We’ll work it out.

I’m kidding. I don’t have any people. I’m not sure he does, either.

I paid the $5 and watched the video, and Colin’s adorable as always.

That’s pretty much all you get for your $5, lol. Adorable Colin on a webcam for about 10 minutes talking about exactly what you’d expect him to be talking about. I can’t really say if this one’s worth $5 or not. Like, you definitely won’t be missing out on anything important if you don’t (especially since I’m spilling the deets, anyway), but it IS a nice little taste of Colin if you do. Especially since we’ve been starved of him lately. And he’s in good form, making cute little jokes and teasing and being his usual adorable self.

Honestly, I don’t regret spending the $5. I enjoyed it.

MIND YOU: If you do decide to pay for this content, DO NOT pay for it TODAY. Wait a few hours until it’s officially Jan 1 everywhere, and THEN pay for it. Patreon doesn’t go by monthly increments - it goes by calendar months. So by subscribing on Dec. 31, I essentially paid $5 for 4 hours of access to Josh’s content - and they were prepped to re-charge me on Jan. 1! So if you wait a couple hours, you’ll get access to this video - and be able to peruse the rest of Josh’s content for a few weeks, if you want to. Just don’t forget to cancel!! Subscription services are almost always a scheme to get folks to sign up and then forget to cancel - and Patreon’s no different. A good chunk of the money made by sites like that comes from people who don’t even remember they’re paying them, and the system is designed to facilitate that!

But enough about that. Let’s talk about the video.

They joked about Colin’s status as the 2022 (and 2021, Colin was quick to point out) Game Night Champion, and how that was clearly the highlight of his year. Colin expects to maintain this status in 2023, because he’s him and

Josh asked him about his year, and they talked about Luck and The Sync Report and Colin playing live music a bit lately. He did an adorable leprechaun giggle, which is probably worth $5 alone if you’re into that sort of thing. He said he’s been talking to some people about maybe doing an EP or something, but then quickly added it might just be for himself, or maybe not, or... Usual Colin evasiveness kicked in and bushes were beaten around.

Speaking of Colin evasiveness... Josh asked if he’d be back in the states any time soon or ever again and Colin said he’d be coming back to the West Coast in a few weeks - and 100% had his “Wouldn’t you all like to know whyyyyy?” face on the whole time, so HE’S UP TO SOMETHING. Or he wants us to think he’s up to something. You never can tell with Colin O’Donoghues. They’re wily little boogerbutts 😂

~ Give Your Fans the Gift of Vagueness ~

That’s another freebie for you, Colin. I’m full of them. I could set you up with slogans for the rest of your career, buddy, and all for NO CHARGE!

Colin talked a bit about his kids. He’s watching Andor (Star Wars series) with his son and both of his kids have seen and enjoyed Luck and Trollhunters. Evan’s seen some of Once, and even saw some of it back when they were doing it, but Millie is still a little young for it, he thinks. Oh, and some kid shouted, “You Captain Hook??” out the elementary school window at him, apparently 😂

Colin shared his New Years plans. He had some family and friends over for a small gathering, and he made a bunch of pizzas, and was about to put the kids to bed because “it’s drinking time” 😂 Although I’m pretty sure it was already drinking time, because he had a half-empty beer with him when he first came on, and he immediately asked Josh if they were doing a round. You can’t fool me, Colin O’Donoghue. Them sheets was already on the clothesline, son.

Anyway, I hope he got completely hammered and had a great time ❤️

[iwaasfairy]

Fairy, I’m so fucked. I’m in this weird fwb situationship with my cousin not cousin’s best friend’s best friend. He’s such a bum too its like straight out of a dark fanfic 😭 I actually want him whyyyyy???? He’s broke, jobless, and has his head stuck so far into FFXIV you’d have to fish him out just to ask him what’s up. I’m so out of his league too and he doesn’t even like me!! Half the time I’m not sure why he can’t just watch porn to get off but wants my pictures. I’m simultaneously grossed out knowing what he’s doing but also attached to this because it’s the only time he really gives me time of day. I want to drop him but I also can’t bring myself to. Talk some sense into me please. I feel annoying texting him so much when he really doesn’t care.

giRL YOU BETTER FUckIN STOP IT do not tell me this musty dusty crusty gross uggo man who's neet-ness is currently oozing out through my screen has you wrapped around his finger(s). that's honestly embarrassing for you bABE likE COME ON NOW. you knOW YOURE wAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE AND YOU'RE STILL THERE FOR WHAT REASON???? does he make you feel pretty? no. does he make you feel important? no. does he do anything except beat his meat to anything he can get his gross unwashed hands on from you? no.

you best fuckin kick that man to the curb before the day is over giRL lIKE COME ONNNN,,, love yourself. i love you. i know you're sexy as fuck. this man has nothing on you

[crowhyun]

actually y’all i need to rant and i’m going to sound like a pathetic loser but i’ll wait until shame comes in so i can delete this later but rn it’s night time and it’s the right time

so like, idk abt yall, but during the late hours of the night, my emotions are heightened unlike during the day. Like if I’m happy, i’m all smiley and giggly and i’m never like that during the day. I’m a night person yeah. But i get sad easier at night. And tonight i am sad boohoo

what am i sad about? IM LONELY AS FUCK 😭

the thing is, i’ve been single my whole life. i’ve been told and convinced that i wasn’t beautiful or worthy of love, and no one has ever shown interest in me. Boys would bully me the most over my looks. And i’m not going to lie and say “but i was beautiful all along” bcs i wasnt. I was a lol scrawny nerd who wore glasses and the same hoodie everyday. I didn’t care abt my looks at all, but it’s a bit diff bcs i’ve grown up in places where there weren’t ppl like me. So in either predominantly white or asian schools. I was never beautiful to them.

but it’s not just that. I’m convinced there is something wrong with me, bcs when I see my sister, I see everything that i want to be. She’s feminine, pretty, confident, strong etc etc. Ever since she was little, she’s had everyone all over her and people would always compliment her and overlook me.

i remember when my grandpa straight up called me ugly and then said that my sisters were like “pretty princess” to my face. I’ve always hated him. This might sound morbid, but i’m glad he’s dead. He was never a good person anyways.

my sister used to make fun of me for my looks as well bcs i was never as pretty as her. Everyday, I nitpick at every little thing because of her. My shoulders are too wide, i’m not feminine enough, my skin is too dark, i look like a child etc etc etc like WHYYYYY can’t i stop????? ARGHHH

and WHY does it seem like everyone has had love in their lives but me???? no one has ever been interested in me, and i feel like i’m going to be alone forever. I keep trying to convince myself that someone would come along one day, but i continue to lose hope. I’m so scared to get close to people, and im not good at making conversation, i can’t even make friends, how do i expect to one day get married?

i have a skin condition that makes my skin rough and bumpy, and people have always commented about it, and i don’t even want people to get physically close to me bcs of it. i hate when people touch me, and im always so hyper aware of someone’s proximity.

like what happened to the little girl that loved hugs and holding hands? i hate that i’ve changed. i used to be so extroverted and happy and social, but i’ve gotten shut down and hurt so many times and now im a fkn recluse like ew i hate myself

sometimes i get the urge to drink myself drunk so i would stop thinking and so that i’d be free from shame and embarrassment and anxiety, but i don’t do that bcs 1. alcohol tastes disgusting and 2. i feel like if i give in, i’d develop an addiction.

i feel so sorry for all of the friends that i do have and for the future boyfriend that i may or may not have. i’m so insecure that it ruins everything. I think that no one rlly likes me and they’ll all leave me one day just like my friends have done in the past, just bcs i wasn’t pretty enough or cool enough.

[novelelitist]

Somewhat-successor to 2018 and yesterday. Probably needs a part IV. TW for mental health, mentions of suicide. I go months without posting jack shit, you can deal with a little bit of Sanson Self-Indulgence.

Charles-Henri Sanson on Death III

Charles-Henri Sanson did not have this opportunity in life, nor in the times he was summoned to America as a Heroic Spirit. He thinks Salem is charming without the cosmic horror. The regular horror is more than satisfactory.

The ocean is beautiful at night, though the light pollution from nearby Boston leaves much to be desired. Still, to look out on an endless black sea like this is humbling.

Master takes a step too far, Sanson takes Master's hand. He yanks them back so they won't take a long walk off a short dock into the Atlantic.

"This isn't an appropriate place to dive in," he says. "There's a sign right over there."

Master bitches a bit before reassuring him. "I wasn't going to do anything. Maybe jump. Nothing bad."

"I don't see how that makes a difference."

Master slumps into him. "Jumping means I'm less likely to crack my head open, unfortunately."

He props up Master in his arms like they're an inflatable tube person. "If you're going to break the rules and crack your head open, you could at least wait until I'm not around to see it."

"Ah, yes. The age-old adage: 'if you don't have evidence I disobeyed the sign, you can't give me shit for disobeying the sign.'"

Sanson uses Master's hand to bop their forehead. "Truthfully, that's the least of my concerns."

"Hey, if I get lucky a boat will run me over and I won't have to put any effort into drowning. You know how hard it is to drown?" Master asks.

Sanson notes their playful tone and tries to keep it light. He fails. "Exceedingly easy, considering that 'drinking water going down the wrong pipe' is as much drowning as any open water drowning is."

Master gives Sanson's shoulders a lazy squeeze and an even lazier shake without leaving their sloth-flop posture. "I knoooow, so whyyyyy can't I doooo it?"

"Because you're terrible at reverse-engineering death, I suppose?" he suggests.

"Seriously. You'd think a passably-intelligent person would either a) succeed at their attempts to die or b) fail at existing hard enough to succeed at not existing."

Sanson rolls his eyes. They land on the reflection of lamplight in Master's hair. He gets distracted by the shimmering silver highlights.

He thinks on how he and Master both have blue eyes, and how theirs are closer to steel than ice. There is no twinkle in theirs, nor in their smile. He remembers how he once thought they'd never get along, and how eager he was to fulfill his duties and disappear. Now he can't bring himself to leave them.

He rubs the back of their head just the way they like. "Perhaps you were too powerful, so you were cursed to fail at the thing you most craved to achieve."

"You mean like a nerf?"

"I mean a nerf."

"Shit balance team, if that's what they thought would keep me out of the meta. Like my entire existence isn't the problem. Remove me from the game.”

“The answer is still ‘no.’”

Master digs their fingers into Sanson’s back, clutching at the fabric of his well-ironed shirt. He leans back to look at them, but they refuse to show their face.

“That isn’t going to change my answer,” he says.

“...Please?” they ask meekly into his shoulder.

Sanson doesn’t answer. 

“I don’t want to live like this anymore,” they say. “I don’t want to live at all knowing that this is what it feels like.”

Sanson reaches to hold them, but they shrug him off and shove him away. He stares at his hand. It stings. 

“Every time I have, like, the tiniest bit of hope it gets crushed. Any faith I have in others is jaded in nature. I don’t trust anybody. I don’t even think I like anybody. I don’t want my whole life to be like this, but I’m going to have to be in professional care forever and I’ll always need medications and therapy and mental health shit and I can’t get away from my family or myself and I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. Other people kill my will to live, and even if I try to explain how they’re negatively affecting me it’s not like it gets anywhere because they don’t understand or they don’t give a shit. Friends don’t get it, and family doesn’t care, and I can’t. I fucking can’t. I don’t want to live like this.”

Sanson opens his mouth to respond, but thinks better of it. 

“I don’t think I’ve done anything that terrible, but the amount of guilt and negativity I live with outweighs any moments I have in which I don’t feel like shit. No amount of positive interactions will make the negativity go away. I don’t have the resources to get out of the living situation I’m in, and I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want things to be like this.”

Master hates listening to the opinions of the inexperienced and uneducated. He doesn’t feel what they do. It’s best not to pretend he does.

They fidget with the hems of their sleeves until their hands are hidden away. They pull and yank and scratch and tug. Their fingers twitch as they pick at their nails and claw at their knuckles. Before Sanson can stop them, they step further away from him. There are tears in their eyes. They sniff.

“I want so many fucking things and I can’t have any of them and I don’t want to live like this. I’m so viscerally envious of others, even those I shouldn’t be, of the tiniest fucking things they get that I don’t because I don’t get anything because I don’t have anything. I don’t want anything. I don’t. I just don’t.”

Those feelings, Sanson thinks, are things he understands. From his own perspective and the perspectives of those whose lives he’s ended, Master’s frustrations make perfect sense. 

Sanson and Master read the Prisma Illya manga together (to the shame of both parties). Sanson remembers how much Master liked seeing Illya say something to the effect of, ‘I want to die’ means ‘I want to live’ in a ‘manga for lolicons.’ That line struck a cord with him, too, not that he’d ever admit it. 

It’s a pitiful feeling--one of desperation and self-loathing, of fear and uncertainty. To those who crave death, that afterlife or lack thereof is a guarantee that they do not have in life. To believe that there is nothing waiting is to believe in a peaceful rest. To believe that there is a peaceful rest is to believe that better things can be had than what there already is.

This line of thinking conflicts with both his own philosophies and Master’s. So he believes Magical Girl Prisma Illya when she says that those words mean I want to live. 

For everything Master hates and doesn’t want, the converse is equally true: they want the acknowledgement, presence, and presents that others receive that they do not. They want to feel safe and validated, like the people around them live in the same reality they do. They’ve never had those things, and Sanson is well aware that Master doesn’t know what those things would look like for themselves. 

Doodles? Stories? Gifts? Hugs? Memes? Quiet? Reassurance? Validation? Criticism? Help? 

They would probably say they want the sweet embrace of death. As one does.

So he opens up the adjacent line of questioning. “What do you want to want?”

Master sniffles, snuffing like a dumb puppy with a cold. They pull up their hood to shield themselves from the intense gaze of the moon and streetlights.

They shrug, toss their hands up, then smack themselves in the face. “Damned if I know.”

Sanson finds this charming, in Master’s not-at-all-charming way. 

He pulls Master into a hug and pats their pathetic back. Rest assured, they’ll come back to this conversation later when less snot is present.

[bossbex]

5x06 Reaction

JARCHIE!!! I missed their interactions so much... like honestly in S4 they barely spoke.  I’m loving the “roommates” dynamic.  

Ok the kevin/fangs/toni apartment(?) is... amazing!!

I love how they hired actual teenagers (or close to it) to play the high school kids... since all the “teachers” were playing high school students, what, 3 episodes ago?? 

Ok mechanic Betty is SO HOT

DORITOS I AM CRYING AT THIS PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Veronica’s taking over the Blue Velvet!!! Why not reuse that set lmao

Thoughts on this initial barchie interaction: 

I’ve seen all the discourse about it seeming like Archie doesn’t care about Betty’s problems, or not taking them seriously, and people comparing Archie’s “oof - that sucks” to jughead’s “white noise” speech in 1x08 (which I thought was cringy AF and I even liked b*ghead at the time) and here’s what I’ll say: 

His “oof - that sucks” comment as MATCHING Betty’s tone - she says it kind of matter of factly and with a bit of an eyeroll, she does NOT seem very upset about it, and she is a grown ass adult who DOESN’T need Archie’s condolences in that moment - and Archie knows that. 

She then brings up Polly, and Archie ASKS A FOLLOW UP QUESTION: “didn’t your mom say she does this? Takes off for a couple of days” which shows that he is referring to a previous conversation about this - they’ve BEEN talking about it and he DOES care (not to mention they showed that he had texted her about Polly at the end of the last episode)

She says she’s trying not to panic - because she knows this is something Polly does and may not actually be in danger - SO HE OFFERS A DISTRACTION during a time when she is basically asking for one, and then SHE COMES UP WITH THE IDEA OF WHERE TO GO HAVE SEX

Anyway I have argued with enough people on twitter about this lol.. I feel strongly.  Also, this scene was super cute and both Archie and Betty look so good in it.  

I love Tabitha.  Smart, enterprising, witty... I’m all for the Jugitha pairing. (seriously though, is a ship name decided for them? I’ve seen Tabhead and Jabitha as well, lol.  

Uhhhhh ok this car sex scene? It somehow feels even more explicit than the shower scene?? The moaning and breathing?? HOW DARE THESE STONEWALL KIDS INTERRUPT THIS

LMAO NIGHT JOGGING

Is it just me or is Sheriff Keller looking really hot? Silver fox??  

I have to note that Archie’s hair colour looks SO BAD in this whole episode but especially this football scene with the Reggie confrontation.  It’s like, almost burgundy? But somehow bright orange at the same time? I hate it.  

Ok Cole is absolutely nailing this “down on his luck, beaten down” adult Jughead.  His character is funny all the sudden?? I love that he kept the money in the tip jar like OF COURSE

Ok Chad coming into Veronica’s class HE’S THE WORST!!! And then SITTING AT THE BACK I HATE HIM SO MUCH FOR THIS

Alright, now we have another scene that has people talking, which is where Archie meets Chad.  My thoughts: 

Archie clearly sizes up Chad.  I mean, he dated Veronica for 3-ish years (in the show’s timeline) so yeah, it’s normal to meet your ex’s new partner and size them up.  It read more like “he thinks Chads a douche” as opposed to “he’s jealous of Chad because he wants to be with V”.  

They show makes a point of showing Betty’s reaction to them meeting.  THIS SHOT IS NOT RANDOM.  Yes, I’m sure the show will go there, she’ll get jealous of V at some point.  Betty thinking that Archie is jealous of Chad is not the same as Archie actually being jealous of Chad.  

I kind of loved how Chad just jumps in here to join in the karaoke night - he didn’t redeem himself from the previous scene where he SAT IN THE BACK OF HER CLASS WHILE SHE WORKED but I like how they’re not playing him completely evil

Next scene: BETTY AND TONI ARE TALKING!!! I REPEAT!!! BETTY AND TONI ARE TALKING!!! Seriously, it’s so refreshing that they’re actually letting all kinds of new dynamics and character interactions happen this season.  

Also, NEDSLIST!!!! THIS SHOW!!!!

I am living for Cheryl being completely beautiful whilst yelling at construction workers.  

So like... she actually doesn’t have that much money. She couldn’t really afford the donation for the school... I kind of wish that once she says “I can’t afford it” people would like, not keep pushing? I’m looking at you Toni, whom I absolutely adore, I just wish the writers didn’t make it like Cheryl’s being squeezed dry.  I get that it’s needed for plot purposes but I don’t love it.  

Kevin and Betty are friends again!!! Love it!!! 

Karaoke night thoughts: 

At no point is Jughead hanging out or interacting with the rest of the group.  He stays separate from them - with Tabitha, which I appreciate, but I am just noting this because I’m sure it was done purposefully. 

“She probably forgot it’s Gekko now” uhhhh didn’t Toni announce V as “Veronica Gekko” in the last episode?? LOL THE SHADE

I love Veronica’s voice

Ok so Chad actually comes off so great in this scene?? I guess this is part of his manipulation - come off as such a great guy in front of all her friends to get them to like him? 

Jughead’s reaction to the duet is so me every time I’ve watched people do karaoke lmao

During the “or do you need more? Is there something else you’re searching for” they cut to Archie’s and Betty’s reaction.  Archie is not thinking about V in that moment.  

I am not seeing one iota of jealousy from Archie.  He looks genuinely happy for them.  

This Chad and Veronica bed scene makes me uncomfortable.  But I’m glad they’re showing their softer moments! 

The Archie/football recruitment sequence... Chad in the back of Veronica’s classroom again??? HOW IS THIS HAPPENING I HATE THIS!! Also, this is another scene where Chad looks jealous of Archie... not the other way around. 

Britta!!! I love her.  And I feel like the writers inserted her in specifically for Britta Lundin, former Riverdale writer and acclaimed author (read her book Ship It, seriously, it’s so good), and I love that. BUT THE WAY ARCHIE LOOKS AT BETTY IN THIS SCENE IS THAT EVEN LEGAL

We get the first glimpse Toni’s “Operation Bring Cheryl Out Of Hiding” plan here, when Archie asks her for funding for the football team and says its earmarked for something else (hmmmmmmm... this plan has been in the works for a while... and I’m here for it) 

Ok. This scene where Archie goes to ask Cheryl for money is... a mess.  My first reaction is that it was so OOC for Archie to bring up Jason in that way.  Then I got to thinking... Archie probably would want to honour his dad in that way and was genuinely suggesting that as something that might actually be helpful to her, as opposed to purposely trying to manipulate her.  He knows what it’s like to lose a family member, he just didn’t realize that Cheryl doesn’t grieve in the same way. The boy doesn’t have a malicious bone in his body.  Anyway, now he’s been banished from Thornhill! But don’t we see him (and everyone) there in a bts photo from possibly 5x08? Isn’t that at Thornhill? Will this be addressed or will the writers just forget it ever happened?

I love Betty and Kevin investigating together. It’s so refreshing. 

Ok this place Jughead is going to is legit the creepiest shit I’ve ever seen.  I am having trouble making myself care about this “Mothmen” plot??

Betty’s “Straight to the Point” interrogation style is actually effective in this truck stop stakeout scene.  

Alice again with her wine... I wonder if there will actually be an “Alice is an alcoholic” storyline or is the wine just part of her personality now?

Ok like it’s so inappropriate for a teacher to be wearing an HBIC shirt BUT I AM HERE FOR THIS DRAMATIC VIXENS HALLWAY WALK!! And Toni is correct, Cheer is a sport so sit down, Archie.  Notably Toni adds in “not even Cheryl managed to do that” - I’m thinking she new Ms. Bell would be eavesdropping ;)

WHY IS THIS PORTAIT OF JASON WORTH SO MUCH?? 

Is this Minerva character going to be important?? I keep seeing people talking about how she and Cheryl are going to hook up but is that just because she’s a female character who interacts with Cheryl? I’m not seeing it yet but hey, it’s Riverdale.  

JUGHEAD BRINGING UP THE EPIC HIGHS AND LOWS OF HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL I SCREAMED

Seriously though, since we know Jughead wasn’t there when Archie said that, there’s two options: Either Archie told him he said it, or (my preferable theory) Archie used to just SAY THAT REGULARLY and has said it in front of Jug lmao.

Chad again seems legit supportive when she tells him about her jewelry store plan?? THEY’RE SO UP AND DOWN!!! 

Ok, so Betty is an FBI agent (trainee, whatever) and she JUST NOW THOUGHT OF TRACING POLLY’S CELL PHONE

This scene... when Veronica finds out Chad has been talking to Hiram behind her back... this is where she decides she’s done with Chad. 

Another scene with Archie - I am still getting zero vibes that he’s into Veronica? And zero vibes that Veronica’s into Archie? It makes complete sense that Veronica would want to help the bulldogs.  Chad is a total dick here and is definitely threatened by Archie... again, not the other way around.  Side note: Chad, if threatened by Archie, is a TOTAL IDIOT for suggesting Archie renovates the Pembrooke - like, he’s going to be working? All the time? Where Veronica is staying? And probably taking his shirt off because he’s sweaty from all the working?? WHYYYYY WOULD CHAD ENCOURAGE THIS

This little flirty scene between Jughead and Tabitha (and it’s the first that I would say has any flirty undertones whatsoever) is pretty cute.  

THIS BARCHIE PORCH SCENE I HAVE THOUGHTS

The fact that people are suggesting Betty showed up there because she wanted to talk to Jughead is SENDINNNNGGGGGG

Let’s be clear, she only asked about Jughead so she could make sure he wasn’t home so that she could bone Archie. There is no other interpretation for this. 

THIS IS THE BEST BARCHIE KISS TO DATE

They are playing the song from the porch scene in the pilot... DON’T TELL ME BARCHIE IS MEANINGLESS WHEN THEY ARE USING THIS SONG

I think the fact that this is the first time they had sex and we didn’t see it is meaningful - they are showing that the relationship is deepening and they are more than “just sex”

As Betty leaves, Archie looks like he wants to reach out for her and then stops himself - he is definitely falling hard and he’s afraid Betty isn’t feeling the same way

Ok, Cheryl is straight up wearing lingerie in Toni’s office!!! And the red lipstick is back - notably, throughout the entire show, she has worn the red lipstick as a kind of shield - she never has it for her “vulnerable” scenes.  Seems like that is still happening. AND this is where we see Boss Toni’s plan come into fruition - she started up the vixens and MADE SURE CHERYL FOUND OUT ABOUT IT because she knew that was the one thing that would make Cheryl come out of her Thornhill hiding spot.  Well played, Toni.  

Archie and Veronica announcing the bulldog funding... again, I’m not seeing ANY “romantic/attraction” vibes here? He does react when she says her last name is Lodge again but like, anyone would? 

MS. BELL YOU GOSSIP I’M OK WITH YOU REPORTING TO CHERYL BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT HIRAM

Is Reggie... filing his nails? Lmao

I really hope Polly isn’t dead?? Like I very much want a Polly redemption story!! 

Sooooo I guess Archie and Jughead are both going to die in this fire? Lol... well... they’re main characters so I’m sure they’re good.  

I’m doooone for this week! So far really enjoying the timejump? Obviously because of barchie but also, everyone is just - better. 

Well this turned out to be a novel.  If you made it this far, thanks for reading :) 

[eirenical]

So, last night @mejomonster (D: WHO I CAN’T @ FOR SOME REASON?? WHYYYYY.) put out a call to “rank your favorite DMBJ dramas” and tagged me in it, and then @jockvillagersonly​ tagged me in their rankings because @foxofninetales​​ and I were talking about how squishy TLT1 Wu Xie is and I think that’s a sign that I should do it, too?

...though this is going to be a very, VERY short list because I’ve literally only seen... AHAHAHA NOT EVEN ONE WHOLE ADAPTATION, OMG I’M A FRAUD.  OTZ

Before I say anything else, though, let me preface this by saying that no other version of TLT is ever going to replace Reboot for me.  I imprint HARD on the first versions of characters I see in a visual medium and it almost NEVER happens that a secondary version will ever supersede them.  Possibly the ONLY time I can think of that a secondary version came even CLOSE to replacing (or at least equaling) my first version love was when Paris and Steel took over from Gavin and Will playing Claude and Berger in Hair... and that is LITERALLY the only example I can think of.  XD  So, Reboot was my introduction to DMBJ and they will forever and always be my favorite, because 43 years worth of track record has taught me that about myself, so I’ve just learned to run with it.  ;D

My Rankings:

The Lost Tomb Reboot | DMBJ Chongqi | Reunion: Sound of the Providence

The Lost Tomb 1 | DMBJ

The fan translation of DMBJ Chongqi by merebear

The official translations of the novels

...I warned you it was a short list?  XD

Details behind the cut...

(And at this point, I think everyone I know in this fandom has already been tagged to do this?  So, if you haven’t done it and want to, please feel free!)

(Note: Any “uncredited“ gifs are my own.  ^_~  Please don’t repost.)

1. The Lost Tomb Reboot | DMBJ Chongqi | Reunion: Sound of the Providence

I’m not ashamed to admit that the reason I got into this franchise in the first place was because of this no-longer-so-tiny Zhu Yilong obsession I’ve been nursing since watching Guardian just a smidge more than exactly a year ago.  I fell for his Wu Xie HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.  I love that he’s older and more experienced and more knowledgeable and still super ornery when someone gets up in his face but how, at the same time, he’s a bit existentially weary.  Maybe he misses Xiao-ge.  Maybe his experiences have worn him down.  Maybe it’s just the late 30s (according to the show canon)/early 40s (according to the actual canon timeline) ennui settling in.  Maybe it’s because of **spoiler** that he finds out within the first two episodes of the series.  I don’t know.  But being in my early 40s myself, I imprinted on him HARD and never looked back.  XD

And then I met Chen Minghao’s Pangzi and fell JUST AS MUCH IN LOVE, OMG, I LOVE HIS PANGZI SO FUCKING MUCH.  But MORE than that (and I mentioned this on the tags of another post and I have an entire meta post brewing on this that I WILL post eventually @foxofninetales​, I promise), I LOVE the depth of his relationship with Wu Xie.  Like, that IS the definition of a queerplatonic relationship RIGHT THERE.  I love how close they are.  I love that they share living space and move around each other in that space like a pair of long-partnered dancers.  I love how much they care about each other and how it isn’t sexual or romantic in the SLIGHTEST, but that the same exact depth of feeling is there that there would be in a married couple celebrating a 30th wedding anniversary.  Perhaps even more.  And that means SO fucking much to me, I can’t even express it properly.  And omg, he’s just SUCH A GOOD, and he loves his friends SO MUCH, and all he wants to do is take care of them and cook for them and BE THERE FOR THEM and MAKE THEM SMILE AND I HAVE A LOT OF FEELS ABOUT CHEN MINGHAO’S PANGZI OK?  OK.

And then there’s Huang Junjie’s Xiao-ge.  I LOVE HIM.  I love that while he’s very self-contained, at the same time there’s a softening about the edges of him that long exposure to Wu Xie and Pangzi has given him.  I love that you can see his sense of humor peaking in around the edges sometimes and how his expressions reflect that.  Like that soft, wry smile he gives Pangzi after he’s been convinced to take off his shirt and let tattoo lady (who’s name I forget D: OOPS) see his tattoo.  And I LOVE how tender he is with Wu Xie and how careful Wu Xie is with him in return, and how he lets Pangzi run roughshod all the hell over his physical boundaries because he knows that’s just how Pangzi IS and he trusts him completely and I just have A LOT OF FEELS ABOUT THIS IRON TRIANGLE OK?  A LOT OF THEM. TT^TT

And then there’s Ershu.

What can I POSSIBLY say about Ershu?  Other than that I love this version of him so much I ACHE with it.  Maybe it’s because I have no distinguished elder gays in my life and I wish I had one like him.  Maybe it’s because I’m so glad that Wu Xie DOES have him because so many people our age DON’T.  Maybe it’s because he’s the mold that Wu Xie is going to grow into and you do NOT fuck with him because he will WRECK YOU.  Maybe it’s because as good and as brilliant and as dangerous as Wu Xie can be, Ershu can still pin him down with a proverbial paw to the back of the neck like an unruly kitten and put him in his place without breaking a sweat, and I LOVE THAT.  Whatever it is, I just... I adore Ershu?  I did not expect him to be one of my favorite character takeaways from this show, but he VERY much is and there we are.  ^_^

Xiao Bai and the ducklings!!  Xiao Bai and the ducklings!! 

WHO ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.  AND XIAO BAI GETS A GIRLFRIEND.  AND JIA KEZI AND LI JIALE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND ALSO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.  THEY’RE ADORABLE AND I LOVE THEM.

AND AAAAAAAAAAH.  HUO DAOFU HUO DAOFU  HUO DAOFU. 

I REALLY HAVE TO STOP, BECAUSE THIS IS GETTING WAY TOO LONG ALREADY, BUT I HAVE A CHARACTER TYPE AND HE AND WU XIE ARE AT EITHER ENDS OF ITS SPECTRUM AND HE IS SUCH A PRICKLY LITTLE BITCH AND I LOVE HIM.  *coughs*  I’m... I’m going to stop now.  XD

(Except to say that I actually haven’t watched the last 10 or so episodes because I’m hovering in this weird place where like... “if I don’t finish watching it, then it’s never over,” but I’m currently doing rewatches with a couple of friends, so at SOME POINT, I’ll get to those last episodes.  But... I’m letting myself take my time.  XD)

2. The Lost Tomb 1 | Dao Mu Bi Ji

So... this is the only other drama adaptation I’ve seen any of other than Reboot.  And I literally just starting watching it a few days ago.  XD  I almost didn’t get past the first episode, though, because I just couldn��t deal with Xiao-ge’s emo phase.  I CAN’T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY, I JUST CAN’T.  OTZ  But after some encouragement, I did keep watching and HORRIBLY OVERDRAMATIC SLO-MO EFFECTS WITH SCARY MUSIC ON THINGS THAT END UP NOT-IN-FACT-DANGEROUS ASIDE (seriously though, what the FUCK is that even about? XD), I do have to say I’m enjoying it.  I’ve read the first couple of novels, and I’m having fun playing “spot the plot line/scene/character I recognize,” which is not an experience I’ve had with a c-drama before, so that’s a lot of fun.  ;D

And as has been said before, including by me, TLT 1′s Wu Xie is VERY BABY.  He’s an earnest kid who just wants to Do The Right Thing which is... kind of in line with who he is in the early novels, but without the arrogant, obnoxious brat tendencies that drive me so nuts in the books.  So, I kind of adore him.  And I adore how he has such a BIG, GIANT CRUSH on Xiao-ge from minute fucking ONE and how Xiao-ge falls for him just as quickly and just kind of shrugs like “Whelp.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Guess this is my life now,” and accepts “Chief Caretaker and Snuggler of One (1) Precious Wu BB” as his new most important life aspiration and gets the fuck on with it.  XD

I also kind of love this Pangzi, but I can’t quite figure out what his deal is yet.  And... not his fault, it’s the writing, but I could have done without the blatant misogyny and rape jokes.  You, uh... have a ways to go to recoup from that one Pangzi.  OTZ

I DID enjoy finally getting to properly meet Pan Zi and A-Ning, though, and look forward to meeting them again in other series until we lose them.  ^_^

3. The fan translation of DMBJ Chongqi by merebear 

If you have not heard about this yet, Merebear has taken on the TREMENDOUS undertaking of translating all the novels and sequels and prequels and side stories of DMBJ.  They have a lot of it done, too!  And I started reading my way through the Chongqi translation (all... 961 pages of it), and I’m really enjoying it so far.  The translation is really well done, and I can already see how parts of the plot were changed from what we got on screen, and how this Wu Xie is clearly the Reboot version that the arrogant and obnoxious bb!Wu Xie from the novels would grow up into, as opposed to the one the earnest and soft bb!Wu Xie from the dramas grew up into.  But, like I said, I’m really enjoying it and enjoying playing spot the differences, and the translation, dare I say, is actually... much better than the official translations of the first few novels?  FANS GET THE JOB DONE.  ;D

So, yeah, I highly recommend their translations if you’re interested in reading the novels, but also, you know... support the official translations if you can, because maybe that will encourage American publishers to bring over more official translations of c-novels.  ^_^

4. The official translations of the novels 

I... will admit that these are a bit of a slog.  *sigh*  I don’t know if it’s the translation or if it’s the fact that I constantly want to drop-kick this Wu Xie out the window because he is such an arrogant little shit who constantly makes himself out to be more knowledgeable and capable than he actually is and then gets himself (...and often other people) in trouble as a result, but if this had been my introduction to the franchise, I never would have gotten through Book 1.  One of these days I’m going to hop over to merebear’s translations of the first few books and see if they read any better, but atm, I’m more interested in reading Chongqi, so.  *shrug*  But yeah, I’m pushing through and reading them mostly so I can say that I did.  Which isn’t the best reason to read anything, but eh.  They’re an easy read, at least.  And honestly?  When my nephew gets a little older, I might try to get him into them, because i think they’d be right up his alley, and he has a bit of that “I know everything, even when I don’t” attitude in him, too, and maybe this can serve double-duty as a cautionary tale.  XD

AND THAT’S ALL I’VE GOT GUYS, SORRY.  I WARNED YOU IT WAS A SHORT LIST.  XD  To everyone asking me what I think of the Ultimate Note Pingxie or the Sha Hai versions of characters or anyone else... I have no doubt I will get there eventually.  Now that I’ve caved and started watching non-Reboot versions, it probably won’t even take that long.  ;D