#why why do I do this too myselff

[magicalcreeks]

Last minute spooky-Kon editing >:)

[isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser]

its like being kept alive by fear alone and im afraid im startjng to fear god i need to get away from people telling me lies and hurting me because i lkeel letting people do that and its like. whart the duck.......

like my sleep paralysis i had to go home early cause im so sick and tired and i could barely move and i couldnt act or pretend anymore so i went home and slept but i kept waking up while paralyzed and i felt like i was dying and it was so scary. like im scared to fall asleep and i put it off because i never know when its going to happen. my muscles are soar and i have a headache

[polyamorouspunk]

WE DO LOVE YOU PUNK!!!!!!! ...platonically though why does everyone think we're always flirting with everybody

anyway HELLO I'M NEW HERE AN WANNA SHOW MYSELFF

I formed yesterday because we were really blurry then got in a situation that made us feel very small and vulnerable so I formed as a syskid!!!

LOOKIE AT ME

my name's Chili, kinda like the original name of Charlie!!!

also the green isn't zombie as in rotting person but zombie as in funky lil dood

I am a girl but it/its sounds fun to me <33

also my favorite minecraft wood is bamboo and I don't like making normal minecraft structures I like building up in the trees with scaffolding and ladders and stairs and things so monsters can't get me as easily

do you play minecraft? oh also I'm 7 but do understand lots of adult concepts but am not exactly comfortable talking about many of them so there's that

also a fun thing about both syskids (me and Duckie) is we both "built" ourselves as in we had no appearance and we found a picrew we liked and started poking at what felt right until we got a picrew that looks like us and therefore we now have a body and a form and stuff also I'm not an age slider like Duckie so yeah

also i wish I had a little buddy on my shoulder but unfortunately we don't have and shoulder-sized little buddies

also an underrated stim is wiggling your butt but you gotta be careful becaues if you do it wrong you'll twerk and it's fine to do that as a stim but you gotta be careful because some people take that to be sexual when it's just a stim

also one of our best friends is getting married tomorrow

also we wanna be closer friends but Charlie says we'll be too weird or that you'll get uncomfortable with our age difference which I don't understand because why is it weird for adults to be Literally Just Friends with even outright kids? I know bad people exist and... what they do but like whenw e were 12 we had only adult friends so i don't get it but I don't want to undermine her authority or your comfort so i'm not gonna do anything

also I hope this isn't too much at once I really like rambling and tumblr's ask box feature lets me do that how i like to

also another thing i just realized about both of our syskids is that we both have yellow eyes HOW COOL IS THAT anyway im running out of WAIT NO

PUNK YOU NEED TO SEE GODZILLA MINUS ONE IT'S SO GOOD

our Goji liked it too!!! we all loved it!!!!

okay now im pretty sure im actually out of things to say bye byeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Yellow eyes are the best

I always wanted a palm-sized pocket dragon like they had in H*rry P*tter when they picked out what dragons they were fighting in the tournament. I’m like they should have let them keep those. But altogether not the worse thing in the plot of those stores though.

I did see Godzilla Minus One already when it came out! I went and saw it in theaters.

Green is certainly funky but I also love quoting DHMIS but the only quote I say is “green is not a creative color”.

I painted a rock today but I was only allowed one rock which kind of sucks.

I don’t own Minecraft so I’ve only played it once.

[dadkisser15]

I’m actually going to cry why do I miss him so much right now ☹️

He’s asleep and I don’t really want to sleep yet because I want to speak with him but I’m just doomscrolling on TikTok as one does and I decided that I missed his face and opened up my camera roll and he sent me this picture that his brother took of him sleeping earlier and it’s just so cute. Oh there’s tears in my eyes I really really like this man ,,,,,

He just looks so beautiful, he wouldn’t believe me if I told him that but I really do just adore his features. (If we had kids oh my godddd. I know that’s crazy that I’m even thinking that but I CANNOT HELP MYSELFF!!!) I love his eyes and his long lashes, I love his beautiful brown hair (especially when it’s messy) , his cute scruffy facial hair and his side burnnsssssssss. Oh and his nose, especially in the picture i mentioned earlier ohhhh my gosh it just looks so amazing. He dislikes his nose so much and constantly makes jokes about reducing the size of it and it upset me a lot because I really do believe it’s beautiful. To me it’s like a work of art, when I was doing more character art my favorite thing to draw was noses !! His nose shape was literally my favorite type to draw and I feel like that makes him very special. Like, wow this boy I’m insanely infatuated with is quite literally a work of art. I’m still looking at the picture and I didn’t mention earlier but I love his cute little mustache, everytime I look at it I just wonder how it would feel to his him and feel that brush against my lip, would it even? I’m not sure, I kinda forgot how it feels like to kiss someone but I’d love to relearn with him. That feels a tad inappropriate to say but I really do feel that way. I’m not feeling really sad anymore but I’m also just upset by the fact that I was even missing him even though I spoke to him a couple hours ago. He literally told me before going to bed not to miss him too much and i thought to myself, “that’s silly, it’s just a couple hours and I’ll be fine” and I hate to say it but he was right. I hate how he knows how my brain works, well.. I don’t hate it. It’s just embarrassing how predictable I am, maybe I’m just boring but who reallly knows.!!! Oh and I was so upset because he left me on sent for a little while see actually I’m okay with that but I just didn’t know what he was doing and that was upsetting me and because I didn’t know my brain immediately jumped to overthinking so I kinda just upset myself. I know verrry dumb but that’s just how I am, I’m always just thinking of the what’s if and I made myself feel bad for no reason. Maybe I do need a lobotomy but what if my overthinking was right. What do I do then!!!!! Be the other woman ? FUCK NOOOOOO !!!!!! I’d rather get stabbed in the arm five times in the same spot okay wait that actually sounds deranged but listen I just would not like being a second option or some stupid shit like that and my insecurities are just jumping out at me and making me think I am but guys, wtf do I do actually if I am ??? 😨 KMS??? That’s also crazy and dramatic so no but I pray that this boy is not trying to do me dirty because I think I’d genuinely lose my mind. Can we just eviscerate all his female friends? Like genuinely, just treat them like fish or something idk 😜!! Sorry thatsss meannnnnn. He can have female friends i guessss 😒. I personally believe they shouldn’t be doing no corny shit with my boy though like cutesy nicknames or making them match with him like FUCKKKKNOOOOOOOOOO .!! 😭😭😭 THAT ALONE IS 50 FUCKING BODIES.

50 FUCKING BODIES !!!!

Kidding, I can’t do shit about that except SEETHE and that I will do!! I’m currently seething thinking about it right now. God, liking a boy with female friends is not for the weak because I am the weak and I cannot take this. Maybe it’s all the over thinking but this shit making me feel sick to my stomach.hhhhh. Oh my god can god take me right now because the thoughts that are going through my head right now might make me just pass away rn to just meeet him. Oh I wanna cry! WHATEERVEVEGER I’ll stay jealous, mad and seething like crazy. I just wish I could have him in my arms and just have him as mine. If he gets tired yeah he can leave but for now I’d just like to have him. Like ohh calm down guys you can have him back after like 2 weeks just let me have him for a while!!! I just want to treat him good and make him feel good. Ohhhhh guys don’t start throwing up pitchforks just because I want to keep him busy for a while, yall will get him back don’t worry 😒. Jeeeeezzzzzzus! Okay I thought that bit was funny. I’m not saying he should isolate himself or anything but like guys do we need female friends 🙄🙄🙄. Joking JOKINGG PUT THE PITCHFORKS DOWNN GUYS IT WAS A JOKE!!! Anyways I should conclude this dumb rant because nothing about this will change and I will forever be salty. OH MY GOD salty is the perfect way to describe how I’ve been feeling!! It’s like I’m jealous but I can’t do shit so all I can do is let this feeling linger and be salty because I’m very non confrontational at times and especially when I don’t want to be verbal about my feelings. OHH LINGER BY THE CRANBERRIES

DO YOU HAVE TO LET IT LINGERRRRE DO YOU HAVE. TO LET IT LINGERRRR

[maguro13-2]

The Dark Beginnings ~ Origins of the Ink Demon Chapter 0 Pt.5 ~

[Unknown From M.E. - Hunnid-P, Marlon Saunders]

Naruto : Last chance, wise guy! Just who do you think you are!?

Black Star : How many times did I have to you tell, I am Black Star, warrior that lives in the shadows.

Naruto : Oh really, you warrior that lives in the shadow. Then why don't you say that to my face, ya Shounen Jump wannabe!?

Black Star : You're on, wise guy! I do anything for myself to be the hero of my own story!

Naruto : Well, I'm the hero of a thousand stories! How do you like that one, dumb star!?

Black Star : Who are you calling a dumb star--!?

*BAM X2+DING!*

Sakura & Tsubaki : Would you two knock it off, already!?

Naruto : Ow, jeez, Sakura! Could you really not do that so hard?

Black Star : Easy with the punch, Tsubaki! You could really knock someone out of the park for that one!

Sakura : So what are you two fighting over what?

Naruto : I was coming back to the ramen shop when I heard this guy saying that he's a better ninja than I do! And I'm not just some Shounen wannabe that is an assassin who does nothing but greedy government work!

Black Star : Oh if you think that being a government puppet is a really handy-dandy work, so I want you shut up about and we'll never talk about it in that years. Not another thing for all these years of the world's greatest ninja. I bet you're from the Uzumaki Family, well I'm from the Hoshi Clan.

Naruto : Hoshi Clan? That clan of Ninjas is dead, and by we mean that Ninja's are preferred to be called Shinobi's, that word "Ninja" is really sounds like a racist joke to that!

Sakura & Tsubaki : Excuse me?!

Naruto : What? You know, the word "Ninja" was used for a slang term on different races in the planet. I totally get myself out of that one. No offense, Sakura. I prefer the term Ninja girl to get myselff onto that one.

Black Star : Racist joke? A Racist joke, dude!? Oh that's it, buddy! This is going to be the final straw If I ever wanted to be on the top as the world's greatest Shinobi that I can be and no simpleton like you could ever stand a chance of against me, we'll show you who's a better Shinobi then any of these geeks! I ain't afraid of those heartless morons that are sprawling everywhere since the village incident 12 years ago!

Naruto : Right back at ya, starfish!

Black Star : You're on, Noodle lover!

Sakura & Tsubaki : *sweatdrop* Oh brother! This is going to be a rough day, isn't it?

Hibana : You boys are way going out of character.

Tsubaki : Oh, Mrs, Hibana. I haven't seen you in a while, you hardly knew about the incident back a year ago. Ever since I was 14 years old, I trained to learn the secrets of Ninjutsu and would wield the awesome and powerful Akujiki.

Naruto : Akujiki? That evil-eating accursed blade wielded by that other Shinobi? Hotsuma. Was it?

Tsubaki : We heard that Akujiki was being reclaimed by that cyborg named Kurohagane, a Shinobi that was sented by a conglomerate named Nakatomi to retrieve Akujiki. But then Hibana, the Kunoichi came and decided to help me on Kunoichi training so then...I'm a secret agent working for Japanese government!

Naruto : Huh? This one is working for the government?! Well I didn't know that you were working for the government, what a pleasant surprise for being an action hero. Everything in this world that I ain't a nerd for some secret agents, maybe you get a point on those occasions to get a good view. (Looks at Tsubaki's breasts)

Tsubaki : What are you eyeing on what?

Naruto : I'm looking into some information for giving these nice implants of yours.

Tsubaki : Okay, then. Just a peek.

Naruto : Well then...(attempts to touch Tsubaki's breasts) Don't even mind anything if i-

*PUNCH X2*

(birds chirping)

Sakura : Naruto, you idiot! Don't do anything stupid to a lady! That's now how greet a woman appropriately! Pay attention, next time. Sorry bout, Tsubaki. I wouldn't be too Pervy for Shounen fanservice.

Tsubaki : Sumimasen. That's okay, I just get happened to that you know. I get anxious when boys get crazy for girls all the time, although it would be wisely for anyone who gets a little Pervy sometimes. I am dreaming the former love of my life one year ago. I made a promise to the one that I loved, my promise to Kurohagane-san.

Naruto : Wait are you telling me that the cyborg named Kurohagane is a man?! You knew him that he was that Kuro-san, guy!? Man, talk about the romance of lost ones, that's not even funny and it's so sad that he was a handsome pretty boy to be a Shinobi, but eventually Nakatomi captured him and was turned into a cyborg. Go figures.

Black Star : Yeah, right. That's Kuro-san, alright. He was that guy that Tsubaki really met and not me, I Hardly recognized that he was married to-

Tsubaki : Don't. Not a single a word out of your mouth.

Black Star : I was gonna say that he was married to his wife, his "former" wife.

Tsubaki : Good. Okay then, now that you'll excuse us, I got work to do at home. (The group leaves)

Sasuke : What's his problem?

Naruto : He needs to go see a therapist. That's what. I'm thinking that Tsubaki must've lost someone that she loved dearly. Something like something like friends, family, and love. And not a single way and having fear of losing hair and penis. Not in this case. So what I'm trying to say that Tsubaki Nakatsukasa, heir to the Nakatsukasa family, have lost something that she really some that she really loved. Her family, her brother, and even...her lover. (We show Tsubaki shedding a bloody tear)

"later at night..."

*DING*!

Tsubaki Nakatsukasa : Hello, my love. We meet at last. Thank you for giving Akujiki as your successor and for claiming as your bride.

*Flashback*

[Separation - Masamichi Amano]

Tsubaki : Kuro-san. I dedicated my life for ever saving me, I wanted to become the strongest Shinobi and reclaim the Nakatsukasa family name out of the darkness. Reclaim your bride, please.

Kuro-san : Yeah. I will. This would be your gift your from now on. (Puts ring on Tsubaki's finger) Now that I have reclaim you as my bride, this sword that eats the souls of good and bad that gives power to the Oboro's legacy. Take care of yourself, Nakatsukasa-san. (Gives Akujiki to Tsubaki before he leaves)

Tsubaki : ...? Ma...Matte!

(we show Kuro-san leaving the village)

Tsubaki : (sheds a bloody tear) Sayonara.

*flashback ends*

Tsubaki : And that was the day, Kuro-san reclaimed me as his bride and he was sent to investigate on the whereabouts of Nakatomi, never to return. First my brother, and now my lover. I'm the only one that can carry out Akujiki to look after it.

Black Star : EARTH TO TODDLER B*TCH! That Ramen-eating d*ckhead! Who does he think he is?! Me a joke to him? I'm a joke to nobody, he is! I just can't get enough of me being a gay lord jokester that knows nothing about jokes! I'm the hero of my own story! Nobody pushes me around! Nobody accept me! *Heartbeat echoing* NOOOO! (Holds chest in pain) WHAT'S HAPPENING?! (Groans in pain) Not. Now!

Ansem : So it seems that you have opened hearts to the power of darkness, I'm impressed.

Black Star : Who's there?! I got nunchucks from my Fist of the North Star collection! And I'm not afraid to use it!

Ansem : (chuckles) Only mere children's toys cannot stop me with those. They don't even have an effect on me. (Magically throws nunchucks outside)

Black Star : AAH! Hey! I just bought those at the convention!

Ansem : And now, I will make you a valiant effort of making you a warrior...a warrior of capable to use the power of darkness and this will be your very last of your existence and drain the light from your arrogance.

Black Star : No! Stop! Don't come any closer! No! I warned you! I went to college! NNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Ansem laughs evilly)

Tsubaki : Black Star! You get away from him! (Attempts to kill Ansem, but disappears along with Black Star) Black Star! No! I have failed! (Sheds a bloody tear) Gomenne...Kuro-san.

~ Prologue 5 : Love of a Shinobi ~

[talaxyan]

hello from 2023

hiiiiiii

it's so funny to think that all the posts from this tumblr are all just for me in the future but I hope it's gonna be another good reflection to see what I was like in the past.

but let me give you a little update since the last time I was here ((THERE WERE A LOT!!!))

ok first of all. im unemployed now, I graduated college 4 months ago and still haven't been able to land a job- I'm on my last round of interview for this pharmaceuticals company tho and I REALLY HOPE I GET THE JOB BECAUSE IM DESPERATEEEE. if I don't get an offer soon my OPT might expires meaning it'll be harder for me to escape indo.

as much as i love being at home and spending most days with my nieces and having no worry at all, I miss doing something intelligent like doing all the academic weapon I was supposed to be doing. it was hard landing a job yall, I swear I've applied to at least 400+ job but still 0 offer. IM REALLY HOPING THIS PHARMA JOB WORKS OUT I REALLY WANNA GO BACKKKKKK I wanna live in city I can wander around please

anyway, on the fun part ((my nonexistant love life))

in 2022, i went for a semester abroad in LONDON AND IT WAS WILDDDDD like really good experience and I love london so much I wish to go back there again and visiting my london fam innit- it was surprising really good like i had a solid friendgroup in just a month of settling down (shout out to SHAIMA LOVE U SO MUCH GURL) i went travelling to edinburg and Stonehenge. it was a surreal experience.

oh and i was on dating apps while in London and I got the taste of love (a little bit). my first ever date was really good, i'd give it 7/10 I wasn't that attracted to this dude but he was smart and caring at least before he became annoying and called me a self-obsessed girl- like dude HOW CANT I BE OBSESSED OVER MYSELFF? anyway I didn't continue talking to him because I really thought I should give an ugly guy a chance just bc he seems nice personally but he really wasn't so I went to 7 more dates after that--- ND I GOT MY FIRST EVER KISS??? LIKE HELLO? this dude I kissed, we met on tinder and I went to his place the night I first saw him and I gave him a glockglock3000 it was crazy-- but after that night I learnt why people like dick- and he got a pretty one too and it tasted sweet?????? maybe from the lube he was using but we didn't do the full thing cuz I was kinda hesitant cuz I BARELY KNOW HIM OFC??? but yea I learnt some things but my experience with men in general wasn't really working out bc ALL I WANT IS LOVE and it seems like u cant really find that on dating app.

other than that, i cut off some people from my life. it was sad but I think its about time. this girl I really wanted to befriend with since freshman year, we ended became bestie and even lived together in the apartment, but I think it was really toxic tbh- it think the more I knew people, the more I feel like I withdrew myself form them.thats kinda scared me because I really wanted to accept people the way they are but it was really not good having her around- for some reason in social settings, everytime I spent time wth her, it just irritaes me more and that made me realize that friendship wasn't supposed to be like that, it shouldn't cost you your mental health to be living with your friend so yeah, after graduation, I never contacted her and she also never contact me either so it's mutual I think

my time at skidmore was overall fun, I went to typical college parties, got drunk and wasted but it was all really fun. i love my girl friends my bbygurl I love them so much and they made my time at skidmore 100000x so much better. i would be a lot more miserable if it wasn't because of them. there was rough patches along the way but we are good friends so I was able to let go everything and keep our friendship eventho now w graduated and harder to see each other but I really hope to meet them again<3 I love them thao kim connie rebecca and my isu babies<3

my plan now is hoping i land that job in Boston > lease an apartment > fly from jakarta and meet natan > relocate to Boston and get my stuff at Uhaul in Albany > starting working and getting the sense of really world > SAVE A LOT OF MONEY SO I CAN SPOIL MY LOVED ONES AND MYSELF

i think i can do it. delusion is the key and I quite frankly believe in myself. i really hope so I wish.

so yeah, thats mostly the update from me. hopefully in the next post I can give you a better news and more GOOD STORY FROM MY LOVE LIFE yea. ok goodbye for now and I see u later

[lilyharvord]

You know how throught the series we see Mare's mental health being affected by everything that happen to her but never Cal's mental health? I am not a psiquiatry nor do I suffer any mental ilness but the boy went throught hell and the only thing that we know is that he had nightmares? I know as a royal you are in some way trained to not let things affected you but I would have like to see some real consecuences (not with evil intentions ofc, but as a real and normal thing.) What do you think?

I actually love delving into stuff like this in my fanfics wherever Cal is concerned! ((: So you’ve come to the right place I guess! 

So the nightmares Cal has are a full blown symptom of PTSD which comes with lots of other symptoms such as anxiety attacks, severe insomnia, emotional detachment/intrusive thoughts, mistrust, agitation, irritability, and self destructive behavior. There are a lot of pretty intense symptoms obviously, and Cal’s only 20 when Red Queen begins (he turns 21 in Glass Sword based on maven’s letters when he tells Mare to wish Cal a happy birthday for him.) which is just wild to me. Like he is deal with some horrible horrible stuff and trying to keep a country together on top of that. Which is why I really dont blame him at the end of Kings Cage for going back to the crown. As human beings, when we are under severe emotional/mental distress we tend to revert back to what we know is safe and what is comfortable. Hence why I was also so very proud of him when he did end up giving up the crown. 

I also think a lot of people sort of just accept that he has these nightmares, and Mare has nightmares too and we all just sort of go: oh its so cute! They cuddle together and that helps. ((((: But Cal says in Broken Throne: 

“I don’t sleep well, and haven’t since my father died. Died. I still have to remind myselff to say he died instead of I killed him. It was Elara, not me. I know that, but it doesn’t change what I see in my head at night. There’s no cure for what ails me. I’m not like Mare. Having another person in the room does’t settle me down. It doesn’t matter who’s in my bed--the nightmares still come.” (Broken Throne, page 441 on iPhone apple books) 

The poor thing has SEVERE PTSD and it’s not really talked about in the fandom, I agree with you on that. We talk a lot about Mare, but that’s because she’s the main character and our main narrator. We sympathize and hear from her the most. 

So to answer your question, I think we do see some very real consequences of what happened. Cal deals with PTSD and there are no therapists in Red Queen that I know of to help him with it XD. I think though, someday, he and Mare are about to sit down and sort of talk about everything. For me, I feel as if I always have them have a kid and that is what forces them talk about things like that and deal with the traumas they have faced. 

[princesshawkins]

“ I wish you Knew”

[ichwarmalverliebt]

"used stare at each other like TV"

i would like it to work out, i really do, but then again my own rules hold me back, whilst not actually caring for rules i made myself into a person i could get along with......... the striving for more is whats killing me... and i neeeeeeedddd to kill myselff entirely in order to be resureccted .... tf i dont even know why i am writing all of this shit down. maybe i just want YOU to see it. maybe i still love you. maybe i think of you almost everyday, and maybe just maybe im afraid of the girl you have become, it seems to me as if lost your idealism ? .... damn shawty... isnt passion what keeps us alive ???? did you even had one or did you just like making that and called it a passion because you too needed one that could save you. im concerned for you . im in love with you... while writing this down i feel as if i am lying to myself tho. im lost in not caring hmmmmmmpppfff blabal amore.. making chicks fall in love is easy, falling in love yourself is easy aswell. being actually interested is th killer tho..... mainly because i think you have become boring before i could share my interisting site with you. damn

blablablablablablablablablaba

ich will eine hexe als freundin

mach deine blutzauber du geiles stück, ich bin mein eigener schutzengel hahahaha und am ende stereb ich dran :D

ach arkadas der zukunft ich weiß selbst nicht genau was das alles soll, gefühlskalte emotionen die mich steuern

[jokertrap-ran]

Ayakashi Renga (あやかし恋詩) Prologue Translations (Part 1 + Tutorial):

*Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut *Name will remain as my normal ( ラン )  * Something I did on a whim  __φ(．．;) …

Due to certain circumstances which required you to change residences as soon as possible, you found yourself viewing the interior of a high-class apartment named "Pot Palace Shibuya". The strange residents you met there seemed to have some reason or another for living there...

This is the entrance of an apartment building located somewhere within the city-- I'm standing here right now due to some bad circumstances... ...

Ran: Whaat!? This apartment was defective!? Owner: Sorry about that. Since that's how it is, could I ask of you to move out as soon as possible? Ran: N-No way...

... --And so, I started searching for a new place of residence as soon as I could. However...

Ran: He's late...

It had been 20 minutes since the apartment broker had told me to wait for him outside the apartment building. He did say that he was going to call the landlord, though...

Ran: (Did something happen? Isn't he taking way too long...?)

With the feeling of uneasiness growing as the minute passed, I took a peek inside the apartment building.

Ran: Whoa...It's such a gorgeous and new apartment. It might not be too bad to live in a place like this. Ran: (It has cheap rent despite where it's located at though...what if there was something going on behind the scenes...?) Ran: Oh no! What if this apartment's also a defective one!?

It was that very moment when I had started musing over the matter. --Growl...

Ran: What!? What's with that beast-like sound?

Surprised by the sound, I had unintentionally stepped through the entrance...And then... --BAM!

Ran: Kyaa...! ???: Oh my~! ???: Oh...? Sorry, you alright? Ran: I-I'm alright but I should be the one asking you that...!

He had saved me by grabbing my hand mid-fall after we crashed into each other. He had been staring straight at me as I looked up at his slender build. However, he quickly adverted his gaze...

???: I'm glad to see that you aren't hurt.

He ran a hand through his hair after he had slowly released me. After that, he started to stare straight at my face again, albeit more seriously.

???: I've never seen you around before. What business do you have here? Ran: Oh, well, I'm here to survey the apartment... ???: Hmm... Ran: (U-Uh...What?) ???: You're really gonna be living here? I don't think someone like you would be able to stay here for long though. Ran: Huh? What do you mean--

At the moment that I had questioned him, --FWOOSH!

Ran: (Whoa, what's with this sudden strong gust of wind...!?)

It was so sudden that I had unintentionally closed my eyes. When I did--

???: You...came to meet me, haven't you! Ran: Huh...?

When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw a young man staring straight at me, right in front of my face. ???: I've always been waiting for you. Always...I've always been waiting for you. Ran: E-Erm...? ???: Come to my room right now. Okay? That's okay with you, right? Ran: !

he tightly gripped onto my wrist.

Ran: (What...? W-What does he mean by that? He's kinda...scary...)

I was surprised at the amount of strength he wielded atop of the strange feeling I had about him that I didn't really understand.

???: ...Cut it out, Shika. Kurama Shika: Why? Don't wanna. I'm never letting her go. Ran: E-Erm, I don't follow your conversation at all...And also, please let go of my hand! ???: Shika, it isn't the time for you to be getting involved with a girl now is it? Wasn't it time for your part-time job? Kurama Shika: Ugh...D-Don't wanna...It has nothing to do with you,Shido-san... Shido Makoto: Huh? Well whatever, let's go. I've got band practice after this too so come along. Kurama Sshika: L-Let go of me...!

The young man who was gripping my hand turned to face me once Shido left without looking back to see if he had followed. Kurama Shika: I'll...definitely get my hands on you. Ran: (I wonder what's up with him...)

I started looking for the entrance yet again while thinking about it. At that very moment... --SPLASH.

Ran: Huh...? A water leak...? Ran: (Since when!?)

For some odd reason or another, there was water present now even though it wasn't there earlier-- ???: Hm...? What are you doing here?

I turned as a bright and cheerful voice filled the air. Ran: Oh...I've come here to survey the apartment...

A smile had broken out on his face right as I was turning to face him.\

???: Yay! I'm happy to hear that. So you'll be living here? Ran: (Wow...what a dazzling smile. It's as if he's sparkling...) ???: I'll be in your care again! --*Squeeze*! He innocently held both of my hands and gave them a little squeeze.

Ran: Um, again...? Ran: And it's not as if I've decided to live here yet...

The ping of the elevator at the entrance sounded at that moment.

Ran: (Huh...? The insides of the elevator's totally pitch black? That means...no one got onto it??) Ran: (Which means...Huh? Huuh? There's something glowing within it that kinda look like a pair of eyes though!!) Ran: (It's staring at me!???)

Terrified, I gripped onto the hands that held both of mine. And then--

???: Oh? A guest? A slender man had appeared from it's confines, alone. Ran: (Huh...? Could it have just been my imagination...??) Ran: (I thought that there was something inside the pitch black elevator but...) Ran: (He's...a normal human...right?) ???: Nope! She's going to live here. Ran: Er, Like I said, it hasn't been decided yet...I just came to have a look around, that's all. ???: Heh, I see. Then how about looking at my room too? ???: Oh, but...seeing as you're holding hands in that manner, could you already be Sou's? Ran: ...!

The guy who had just appeared said those words with a smile that implied something... I hurriedly let go of the hands that had been innocently clasping mine.

Aranami Sou: Ibuki-kun, you really don't have any modesty, do you...! Aranami Sou: To think that you'd hit on someone who isn't even a member of this house yet Oue Ibuki: Huh? You're taking a unusually long time to eat her aren't you? So she was someone who really caught your interests, huh. Aranami Sou: Hey! D-Dont you have some sense of delicacy either!? Oue Ibuki: Hehe, I'm joking. You were aboout the head out, weren'y uou? Let's go togehter. Aranami Sou: Yep, I was about to head out. See you then! I'll be looking forward to you moving in! Oue Ibuki: Me too. A cute girs like you are greatly welcomed. See you.

Unsure of how I should reply them, I could only silently bow as they left.

Ran: (Haa...there surely are tons of strange people in this apartment...) ???: Hello. Ran: Kyaa!! Ran: (W-What is it this time!? I-I feel as if this person just appeared out of nowhere...) ???: It seems like I've taken you by surprise. I'm sorry, that was rude of me. Seto Akihito: I'm the landlord, Seto Akihito. I've heard about you from the apartment broker. Come on in. Ran: O-Okay... Ran: (What, so it was just the landlord...That really took me by surprise.) Ran: Hm? Where's the apartment broker from earlier though? Seto Akihito: He said that he had urgent matters to attend to and left before us. It'll be alright, I'l definitely protect you. Ran: Uh...? Protect...? Seto Akihito: Ahh...No, it's nothing...Come on, let's proceed on.

When he had finished his sentence-- ... Ran: Huh...? I found myselff sitting on a sofa in an unfamiliar room once I became aware of my surroundings. Ran: (W-What's going on!?) Ran: (I was at the entrance earlier and now I'm inside a room all of a sudden...) Seto Akihito: (Hm? Is something the matter?) Ran: Oh, erm... Seto AKihito: This is the apartment, Pot Palace's living room. Seto Akihito: This is a shared space by all the residence. There's also a television and a vending machine here. Please, feel free to relax. Ran: I see... Ran: No I don't! I just appeared here all of a sudden, didn't I!? Seto Akihito: Really? It's alright so please rest assured. Ran: (Even if you say that with such a dandy smile on your face...) Seto AKihito: For starters, have some tea. Ran: Huh...!?

Just as he said that, a steaming cup of tea had been prepared on top of the table... (When was that there too...!?) When I stared closer at it..

Ran: Oh, an auspicious sign... Seto Akihito: You're right...that's a good omen. Seto Akihito: That's how it is. Now let's sign the contract, today's a good day to do so. Ran: Huh? I came to look arouund but all I've seen is the living room... Seto Akihito: It'll be okay. You'll be sure to like it. Seto Akihito: Now, this is your room...this is the contract for the room 301.

I signed the contract papers that the landlord had passed to me. Seto Akihito: With this, the contract has been completed. Seto Akihito: Thank you very much. Welcome to Pot Palace Shibuya. Seto AKihito: You're now a resident of this apartment. Seto Akihito: Oh? It seems like the pet, "Yamano" has something to say.

>>Following is the tutorial<< Welcome to Pot Palace Shibuya ♪ My name's Yamano! Nice to meet you, woof-meow! I've sent a mail to you Woof-meow. Hurry and go read it woof-meow.

Yamano: [If there's anything you don't understand, feel free to ask me about it woof-meow.]

Try sending me a reply woof-meow. (※The replies are fixed this time round)

[① How can I chat?] [② Can I play it endlessly?] [③ What kind of topics can you talk about with the chat?]

You can always chat just like this woof-meow. This time's just for practice so all the replies are fixed but you can send anything you wish from the next one onwards woof-meow. I'll send you messages sometime so please reply me woof-meow! Then let's go back to the story woof-meow.

>>END<<

[littlebit-18]

He talked a little which is good, but I feel like I'm putting him in this position even more. I know I'm probably overthinking it or taking the wrong way again. I should and I don't want to push him. I just feel bad making him stay with us and living with guilt and the thought he's a fuck up. He's not, he's human and we all make mistakes. I don't want him to have to keep things to himself, it's not good for h. It may hurt me but I stress out differently, I cry then I get over it little by little. I just don't want him to feel as alone as I do. I don't want him to hurt. I never wanted h to hurt, but I've also hurt him many times andade him feel like shit. I hate myselff which is why I can't complian too much anymore. I've caused so much trouble In his life. I have to show him it'll be ok, and we'll be ok. No matter how things will turn out, so then maybe he won't feel so shitty .

[harmonygorkia-blog]

Emotional Manipulation, for sex

I told myself that he wasn’t using me for sex.... I really wanted to believe it. 

But tonight I held my composure, I really did it. I was calm, cool, and collected. I was open and vulnerable. I communicated and asked questions. And all he could do was project onto me a negative self talk about how I didn’t like him. He told me over and over again about how he didn’t feel loved and that I wouldn’t touch him. 

I literally have been loving on him physically so much. Enough to know that I made it a priority to make an effort physically to show affection and that I was proud of myself for achieving my goals. And as I laid there listening to him tell me how I didn’t so exactly what I knew I had done, I knew it was a lie. 

He was lying to me to manipulate me to give him what he wanted. To guilt me into giving him what he wanted. 

And as I laid there refusing to reach out unless he were to navigate our conversation with vulnerability and respect for me, I would not extend myself physically. 

Because that’s the way it works. You barely even touch and suddenly all your rights to autonomy are gone. 

So as I did, and I heard him saying that I did nothing, I felt my heart begin to race. This is the sign that I’m feeling triggered - but right now its the type of triggered that I know is being caused by something I need to not react to and push through and have a different reaction than what I’m being led into.  I don’t like being emotionally manipulated. It doesn’t feel good. It has happened to me my whole life in some really extreme ways, and I am probably overly perceptive to when it is happening. Also maybe sometimes projecting - but mostly just trying to observe these days and not react. 

As I pulled myself back in to observing myself, and calming my heart and breathing before rushing to response - I decided to not defend myselff, and to ask questions. I asked why he thought that I didn’t like him - what was it that I was doing. He told me that it was how I acted and how I never touched him or anything.

Now this I know is just a farce. I’ve been observing this for too long now. I’ve talked about it in therapy. I’ve journaled about it. I know that I am making physical efforts to be available for him. Just this morning I cuddled with him and kissed him when he woke up. He went on to tell me how I just don’t like him. I really really just don’t like him since I never touch him. 

I waited for myself to calmly come to another question, and I asked when he started feeling this way. He said a few weeks, for a long time. 

I told him that i felt it was unfair that he was projecting this lack of worth onto me and deciding that I don’t like him enough based on this, while dismissing everything that I do for him, including the physical affection that I had given him just today. 

I was soft in my tone, purposefully reassuring as best as I could in tone. He became defensive. Inturupted and berated me. I’m not sure what he said because I shut down, but I know he cussed and got loud enough for me to classify it as yelling. Though when I mentioned this he told me he never even raised his voice. 

Typical - if he keeps projecting falsehoods, maybe they will become truth? 

I held my ground.

The realization I’m having tonight is just how much he is projecting. Not only is he projecting that I don’t like him (when in fact he is either not liking me, or not liking himself, or both), but also that 

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching SU for the first time: Season 4 ep 11~15 (part 2)

This post reacts to Season 4 episodes 113~15 (Gem Heist/The Zoo/That Will Be All).

I feel like my brain’s got a blue screen of death... jfc

Gem Heist

-*’I have a bad feeling about this’ intensifies*

-THERE’S A FUCKIGN RED EYE

-WTF?? AMETHYSTS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THAT BIG??

-NO WONDER JASPER CALLED AMETHYST A RUNT, BUT SERIOUSL, I LIKE SHORT AMETHYST BETTER, THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE

-How the hell are they not able to see through the window from outside

-WHY DOES THE AMETHYST SOUND LIKE JASPER

-who the fuck is that cat ear haired dudette and why won’t she stop punching people

-This is so uncomfortable

-Sapphires must be pretty high-ranking in Homeworld society

-I never liked the homeworld society and I don’t like it now. Fucking hierarchy and bullshit.

-Are those jail cells

-i still haven’t gotten over that hair

-Please hold it together Ruby

-That does bring up the question, do gems speak English or is there some TARDIS translation circuit shit going on in there, like the CG’s can communicate with humans because they’ve been on Earth and there linguistics immediately adapted to their environment, but the gems in the zoo have never been exposed to Earth surroundings and therefore cannot understand the language of a native?

-I only just realized the zoo ship looks like those diamonds people put on rings.

-Oh and hold it together Amethyst...

-FUCKING RUBY

-HOLD IT TOGETHER RUBY

-Maybe it only opens for diamonds?

-I W A S R E A L L Y E N J O Y I N G T H E T O U R

-The gem at the back of Holly’s head makes her look like she has a permanent drop of cartoon sweat

-”NO RUNNING IN MY LOBBY”

-*shouts “WE DO NOT RUN OR SHOUT IN THESE HALLWAYS”* sounds legit.

-”Assimilation bay”? Assimilation:  the act or process of assimilating, or of absorbing information,experiences, etc. Assimilate:  to take in and incorporate as one's own; absorb ...Uh oh.

-HEY PERIDOT I FOUND YOUR FINGERS

-Reminds me of that one time I took an MRI scan. It was really loud and sounded uncannily like hardstyle music. Scanning with sick beats.

-STEVEN DON’T GIVE IN TO THE HUMILIATION

-But seriously what’s with the undressing that’s disturbing

-and there’s a giant eye watching

-Me too Steven, me too. Loincloths are one of the worst human inventions to ever exist. And now you look like some farmboy from medieval Japan.

-HE’S NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR FUCKING EAR TAGS

-Welcome to space Hawaii.

-”Your weird appearance, your strange jewels... I know what you are. YOU’RE HIPPIES!"

-the fuck

-did that episode seriously just cut off there

-I will now put my voice, specifically trained in the ways of the Whovians to scream the name of Moffat, to an unconventional use, to scream...

-REBECCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!1!!!!11!!

-*insert JonTron saying “What, What the fuck”*

The Zoo

-SKIP THE THEME SONG

-’TIS A PRETENTIOUS FACADE OF RAINBOWS AND FLOWERS PLANTED TO DISGUISE THE INFERNO THAT IS CURRENTLY TAKING PLACE

-Space Hawaii... with Minecraft grass.

-”Gareg”

-That name sounds kinda Star Wars-y

-And now I have conflicting feelings about the zoos we have on Earth, I mean, is that what animals think of zoos, but only way worse? No grass, no trees, just concrete and spectators? (I mean, some zoos are really nicely set up but others are not so good.)

-Annnnd introducing people from all over the world. KIDNAPPED humans.

-Now imagine Steven freeing all those humans and bringing them to Earth and Peedee just waking up and going to work one morning to find 20+ people in loincloths chanting “The buts, the bits”

-What the fuck, glowing earpieces

-For a moment I thought it was gonna say some 1984 shit “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.”

-Well that still sounds like brainwashing to me

-MINECRAFT FRUIT

-MINECRAFT QUILT GRASS

-Reminds of the scene in Kungfu Panda 3 where all the pandas roll downhill.

-HOW THE FUCK IS THAT VOICE WATCHING

-SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING THEY’RE DOING

-I BET IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT SPACE EYE

-IT REMINDS ME OF THE CYBERMEN EARPODS FROM DOCTOR WHO SERIES 2

-*WHAT THE FUCK INTENSIFIES*

-”What if I don’t want to smell the flowers?” Then you will be EXTERMINATED.

-But seriously, this is really unsettling.

-By “refreshing bath” you mean sitting dramatically in a fountain with all your clothes on

-Without even wetting your hair

-CANNONBAAAAAAALL

-”Raised in captivity”

-That sun is really bugging me for some rea-WHAT THE FUCK

-I kid you not, I legitimately yelled “WHAT THE FUCK” when it started eclipsing

-I thought it was gonna turn into a giant eye or something holy shit

-Now it just reminds me of the night light in Bo’s room on Spirited Away

-How the fuck do they all get tired at the same time and how do they not get tired or bored of the same routine (from what I gather) every day. There is something seriously wrong with this. Or it’s just because they were indeed raised in captivity and i’m just overreacting.

-”I sure am tired from doing a whole lot of nothing”

-”It’s the door!”

 -I mean there were literally like three banana leaves covering it

-That’s creepy

-you sure Greg, Steven has superhuman stregth, he can punch an arcade robot out of its stall...

-Maybe they just assume everyone’s asleep at night and don’t care what happens

-The WHAT?

-This is ominous

-U12, F3... they’re fucking numbered

-Wait but why do gems use human alphabets

-”choosened”  Much grammar. Such wow.

-Wait is this some sort of breeding ritual  Is this how those humans were born in the first place

-what the fuck

-THE FUCK

-what the fuck

-fucking fuck

-what the FUCK

-GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, THE DOOR IS OPEN

-Amethysts working emotional support.

-So do they understand zoo humans but not Greg/Steven, or does it work differently?

-uh oh

-shit

That Will Be All

-*bad feeling intensifies even more*

-*Han Solo voice* I’ve got a baaad feeling about this.

-Well at least they’re out of the enclosure

-Are those Jaspers

-in... boxes??

-Are soldier gems usually kept in cat towers?? How do they even get up there?

-NOOO AMETHYST

-THANK FUCKING GOODNESS you had me scared there for a moment

-Like, thank fucking goodness. I’d really hate it if Amethyst went through even more shit than she already did.

-SKINNY JASPER

-LOL WUT

-what the fuck

-*in that screaming voice when you turn a corner in a horror game only to find the same monster that’s been hunting you down for the last twenty minutes patiently waiting for you* THEY’RE STILL THERE

-those cat tower holes are supposed to look like Kindergarten holes.. so that’s what they do?? Just stand in there??

THEY WERE EAVESDROPPING

-Except Ruby. She was prepared to punch someone.

-Who bubbled all these gems that look nothing like the one in my belly?

-”Oh no I’m crying, the enemy is near”

-WHAT THE FUCK

-Good to see YD lost some of that neck

-And apparently her trench coat/skirt thingy too

-*LOUD WALKING NOISES*

-Like seriously the diamonds are fucking HUGE ASS FUCKING GIGANTIC WTF

-Well, so much for the guy who theorized that Yellow Diamond is not huge and that Yellow Pearl is just tiny.

-I’m surprised that the pearls didn’t get accidentally squished already

THAT FUCKING SMUG ASS FACE

I cOulDn;T heLP MYSELFF

-AND NOW I’M CACKLING LIKE MAD

-I WAS CACKLING ALL THE WAY WHILE I WAS PHOTOSHOPPING THIS AND I AM SO GLAD I WAS ALONE AT HOME

-(Except for my dog. maybe he thinks I’m crazy now/)

-Anyway, back to the episode.

-destroy the WHAT NOW?

-Wait, did Homeworld bubble all the Rose Quartzes because of the one that defected?

-”Pearl, do something. Sing for her.”  Yellow Pearl: “someBODY-”

-Yellow Pearl: “NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN”

-Yellow Pearl: “What is love, baby don’t hurt me, baby don’t hurt me no more”

-Yellow Pearl: “Turn down for WHAT”

-Yellow Pearl: “bobok bok  bok bok  bokbok bok bokbok  bobok bok  bok bok bokbok YEE”

-Yellow Pearl: “And I said HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA “

-Yellow Pearl: “ROUND AND ROUND LET THE CITY TURN, PARTY IN THE HILLS WE CAN PARTY IN THE BURBS”

-Yellow Pearl: “SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JAGER”

-Yellow Pearl: “wE, ARE THE CRYSTAL GEMS”

-Now I want a compilation of Yellow Pearl singing ridiculous things

-maybe I will make them myself.. but I only have Windows Movie Maker

-Shh, Steven, don’t sing along.

-HOLY FUCK IT’S THE SONG

-Makes sense that YD’s voice actor is a musical actress.

-AWW THEY’RE ON HER HANDS

-why do those pearls have such squeaky voices

-it’s certainly something different to see the main antagonist’s feelings being shown, and having her own song that isn’t about conquering and being evil, instead they’re shown to have feelings and caring about their friends and lost ones.  I like that.  Steven Universe makes it hard to really hate any character, because none of them are one-dimensional, they all have their own stories and personalities, there’s more sides to them than their first impressions.

-(I’m silently kinda thinking it would have been even more better if it was a duet but hey what we already got is great in itself)

-fucking holly agate

-dictionary agate

-Ruby is discomforted

-AND I GET WHY. THEIR PLAN’S ABOUT TO BE BLOWN

-o shit o shit o shit o shit o shit o shit o shit oshit

-DAMN BLUE DIAMOND WENT FROM GLOOMY TO EDGY SASS IN 0.1 SECONDS FLAT

-And Yellow Diamond just standing there like ‘wtf is going on’

-PHEWWWW

-I hope we get to see more of them in the future, it’ll be an interesting story arc. I’m curious as to what their positions and roles will be in the upcoming episodes.

H A HA H A

K we buds now? cool

-And to think I thought they were gonna be like purple Jaspers

I’m going ‘shit shit shit shit shit’ but at the same time I’m laughing so hard I can hear my ribs cracking

-*SILENCE*

omfg

-wtf she uses a whip too

-GARNEEEEEEET

-SHOWDOWN

-THAT COLLECTIVE FUCKING “OOOOOHHHHHH”

-DAMN PEARL THAT’s SAVAGE

-DAAAAYUMMMM

“U GOT BURNED M8″

Are all diamond ships arms? What is it with gems and arms anyway?

-It’s strangely aesthetic, though.

-Also, SHIP COLORS CORRESPOND TO GEM COLOR.  Does this mean that Peridot was the leader of the mission after all, since her ship was green like her?

-Phew, safe return to Earth.

-smol cinnamon roll and his dad are safe.

-OR ARE THEY *OMINOUS END CREDITS MUSIC*

-OKAY

-So... that happened.

-IT FUCKING BROKE ME and now I’ll go watch the rest of Doctor Who series 9 to get even more broken

[bigstrawberrynacho]

I spent my childhood internalizing his neglect. Thinking that I wasn’t good enough. Thinking that if I was a better daughter, if I was nice enough to him, if I was smart enough, if I did everything perfect, then he would want to be my dad. 

I still approach men that way sometimes. I feel like there must be some magical thing I can say or do that will make a man want me. Some secret key to unlock their love. It’s illogical. And it’s never me. 

I’m very angry at him. I’m angry at him for failing me and my sister. I’m angry at him for allowing me to grow up with all of these problems. 

His neglect is the single worst thing that ever happed to me. I never developed self esteem. I don’t see myselff as having value because I am a precious human of the world. I see mysself as always having to prove to myself and others that I am “good enough”. If I perceive other people to perceive me as worthy, then I am worthy. I am not worthy on my own. 

When he wasn’t around, my single teen mother looked for a man to take his place because being a single teen mom is hard!! and the one that she chose was abusive. He planned our murders. But he killed himself only. 

My first relationship was mentally, physically, and sexually abusive for 3 years because how was I supposed to know that love wasn’t supposed to hurt? 

And all of the bad things that have happened in my life would have never happened if I had a father!! A real father, not a sperm donor.

I used to be sad and now I am angry. 

But I’m not allowed to be angry at him when he’s on his deathbed. Why make his death more painful for him? I am too kind. 

He has never known that I am angry. I have never told him once that what he did to me was not okay. The only time he ever saw me angry is when I confronted him about my half-sister he had kept a secret and neglected since she was a baby. I told him that it wasn’t okay, that little girls need their dads. I was angry and he was sad and small. In that moment, I was the parent and he was the child. 

And someday I wll have to forigve. And if he dies, it means that I must find a way to forigve him on my own with no closure. 

His dad abused him as a child and he never recovered. He never stopped taking it out on himself. His self hatred held him back from being who he was supposed to be: for me, for my sister, for himself. I guess the lesson here is what not to do when you are hurt. 

Be resilient and brave, or perish. And disappoint everyone around you, including yourself. Those are your only options when you get hurt.