#why was that actually just like everything ive ever worried about though like am i good?

[early-october-skies]

Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees

[dnpbeats]

Ive been seeing some big youtubers and creators announce (seperately) that they're going on tours, and a lot of of them are full on stage shows. These are people with tens of millions of followers each.

And then I think about the fact that dan and phil are the reason they can. Dan and phil completely pioneered the industry for online creators. They were the first youtubers to do a world tour of a stage show. First youtubers to show that they are actually professional enemtertainers and not just ameteur comedians. They were the first youtubers to have their own radio show in the uk. They were the success story that a lot of people built their success on the back of. If tatinof didnt work, it wouldve taken so much longer before online creators would've been taken seriously by venues as comedians/artists/entertainers. If internet takeover didnt work it would've taken so much longer for creators to be offered jobs in mainstream media, as tv/radio presenters, in documentaries, on gameshows etc.

Like yeah, it probably would've happened eventually anyway, but it happened a lot earlier than it would've bc of them. They were the first. And absolutely no one acknowledges that. No one even knows, except for them and us.

Even though dnp in 2024 are by far not the most prominent creators out there, I do think they have had one of the most successful careers of any youtuber/streamer out there. I think they achieved far more in terms of career success and opportunities with their 4-6million joint subscriber count than most of the people with 20million plus subs have, which is pretty cool. Their careers are not built on 5mins of fame. They have understanding of the industry, work ethic, and skill to ensure long careers, even if those careers morph over time. They wont be youtubers for ever, but they will be successful in whatever they do, that I am certain of.

Idk im just feeling emotions about them. Im proud if them. And im excited to see where they go.

NO NOTES ANON!!!!! this is all so true!

I have seen a lot of people mention the fact that d&p are not as popular as they used to be/don't get as many views as they used to as if it's a negative but I don't think it's bad at all, because of all of what you said. they were doing shit that no one else was doing! they paved the way for youtubers to break out of the yt sphere!! which is so amazing but also they were doing SO MUCH for so long. they were carrying the industry on their backs lmao. so now I'm so happy for them that they have the opportunity to chill out and just do what they wanna do. they're just making the content they wanna make and they aren't concerned with how many views they're getting or trying to remain relevant (which I think they still are, but yk what I mean), and they deserve that. because while everything they did was awesome and should absolutely be celebrated, I think it's great that now they have the opportunity to create more casually and they don't need to worry about doing numbers. like yes yt is still their livelihood but in a much more laid-back way yk? and I think that because they did so much, and like you said have understanding of the industry and a good work ethic, that's what allowed them to build a fanbase that has stuck around and that fanbase is why they can be more relaxed now

I agree they might not be youtubers forever but I'm also excited to see what projects they eventually move on to bc they'll slay fs

[acotarfrustrations]

An ongoing list of ACOWAR grievances I'm keeping track of while I read (because there's too many to make a post about all of them) pt. 2

I'm on chapter 15 now and feeling the urge to complain again so here we go

1) the writing is way too overdramaticized. Like every other paragraph is some remixed version of feyre going "I wondered whether it would be eggs or bacon for breakfast. But when I looked at Rhys I realized that he was giving me my own choice. My mate, my high lord. In our home. With our family. Every thing was always my choice" and its CONSTANT, LIKE OH MY GOD GIRL SHUT UP

2) every thing about Lucien's plotlineand the elain mating thing. I HATE this subplot with a PASSION

3) feyre immediately fucking rhys when she got back instead of going to see her sisters

4) feyre and rhysand acting like they've ben separated for forty centuries instead of a month

5) the contradictions about how the high lord thing works. Like it was established that its a government position given to you through basically fate and being chosen by the cauldron or whatever which is why siblings kill each other for a chance for the throne and yet they just went to a priestess and swore feyre in as high lady?? It makes her title not feel real like it's purely ceremonial. It doesn't even make sense that she would be able to be HL of the night court as she has no more ties to that court than she does any other court. Is it because she's mated to Rhys? I don't understand the HL lord at all, it just keeps changing

6) the fact that Feyre, Rhys, and Cassian tell Lucien about their tragic backstories and everything that's happened to feyre at the NC and he just immediately does a Feyre™️. Like he's suddenly "Oh yeah you had a horrible childhood and took feyre into your found family without letting her explore relationships outside of the IC, that totally makes up for all the evil shit THAT IVE SEEN YOU DO WITH MY OWN 2 EYES. wow i cant believe youre not evil even though you killed 50 winter court children and sexually assaulted your mate and mind raped her constantly to get her to like you"

7) the way they're treating Nesta. It has been a MONTH since she was stolen from her home, brought amongst a race that she is terrified of and THAT ENSLAVED HER PEOPLE, and was forcefully turned into ONE OF THEM and the IC is acting like she's being unreasonable for not wanting to talk to them or to mate with Cassian. WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE EVEN BE THINKING ABOUT CASSIAN RIGHT NOW?? WHY THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR HIM? Instead of him worrying about how his mate is doing regardless of his own comfort he's like WOE IS ME, SHE DOESNT WANT TO FUCK ME?????? GET OVER IT ASSHOLE?? WHY IS FEYRE EVEN LETTING CASSIAN COME NEAR HER AND ANTAGONIZE HER?? DOESNT SHE LOVE TO FLAUNT HER HL STATUS AROUND?? THIS IS THE TIME TO USE IT, PROTECT YOUR GODDAMN SISTER FROM HIM? ITS SO OBVIOUS THAT SHE DOESNT GIVE NEARLY AS MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT NESTA AS SHE DOES ELAIN!!

8) the fact that sjm didn't keep cassian's wings shredded. Him learning to live with that would have been a badass character development but now sjm doesn't want me to have good things

9) the mating bond in general. I think it could be a potentially good plot device but no one ever employs it well and sjm is definitely the most egregious with it

10) the fact that the ic never gave consequences for their fucking actions. Feyre dies in acotar? Turn her into a fey and give her ALL of their powers. Stealing a precious artifact that they didn't even end up needing and getting a bounty on their head in the summer court and then getting that court invaded? That's fine because feyre is SOOO brave and says things that are common fucking sense which makes her SOOOO smart so we obviously need her as an ally so we'll just rescind the blood rubies. Getting the spring court sacked? That's fine we didn't like them anyway. Rhys and feyre's bond gets snapped? Well they didn't know about our super secret mating bond that is actually the only thing that gives our characters chemistry so we still like each other. Rhys causes irreparable damage to every court for 50 years and kills 50 kids? Well that's fine he was being held hostage and hey! We don't know he actually killed those kids 😡 Feyre, a 20 year old girl who's been fae for like 6 months and training for even less goes up against thousands of years old beings? She beats them effortlesslessly! Rhys gets sexually assaulted for 50 years! Well he planned all of it so it has no negative consequences on him. Cassian gets his wings shredded? Well he worked really hard and they're fixed now 🥰. Rhys FUCKING DIES?? Well that's no problem, tamlin can just resurrect him, nvm the fact that there's no reason why he WOULD. like no harrowing situation is ever interesting cause we all know sjm isn't actually going to do anything to the ic

11) "my mate" STOP SAYING IT PLS IM BEGGING

12) "males and females" STOP SAYING IT PLS IM BEGGING pt. 2

[gingkos-eldritch-secret]

Fanfiction commentary and recommendations: The why´s and how´s and Part I of 'Lex Luthor´s ascend from supervillainy to fatherhood'

Okay, so. I know it may be weird, but bear with me for a moment: i love to comment on fics or stories like some people would a youtube video - with all the comments and snark and further ideas that entails. (though that works best in a chapter-for-chapter basis) And all the random tangents my brain will go off of. Which is why I thought: why not share my thoughts? (also thanks to the comment from @norapretzel) Since I have about 300 fics of the Phandom in my 'Please update I need more' tab folder, I wanna share just why I put them there and what makes them worth reading. (Seriously, tab groups or tab lists are the best thing ever. They have made my life so much easier. And stopped my laptop from regularly fighting for it´s life.) I don´t know how regular this will be or even if, because work and life in general. But anyways: it´s just for fun and to put something out there.

I will begin with the fanfic I am currently reading: 'Lex Luthor´s ascend from supervillainy to fatherhood' by halfagone (milkywxy) [@halfagone]

The other parts can be found here:

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

My most recently read chapter is chapter 35 which means: the first mini-arc as well as a few important plotpoints have been mentioned if not completely finished. I have binged those first 35 chapters sometime between late afternoon yesterday and evening today so it will not be as detailed as it would be if i only mentioned one chapter - I do apologize for that.

Anyways, here the actual commentary instead of my usual ramblings:

As for the first point. The most important point. The reason you should read this? It´s a story about family and the difference between the people who raised you and those you actually view as family. It´s about trust and that sometimes you can´t trust those you want to trust the most and that that´s okay. It´s about family by choice and that it may sometimes look or feel weird (especially if viewed from the outside). It´s also about burdens and how one handles them - how it can become unhealthy under circumstances. It´s a story about many themes and plot points and details that play together to become something more. I do hope it doesn´t sound too philosophical to be honest. But to just put it in a nutshell: 'Lex Luthor´s Ascend from supervillainy to fatherhood' is a story about family and how to overcome obstacles together.

The story begins at a gala. Or, more precisely, at a gala where Brucie Wayne (and oh, he holds onto that persona with an iron grip) and Lex Luthor (who has SOME kind of respect for the guy, even though he has his own son run the company instead of himself) are having a talk. And while we all know and love Bruce for this persona it does mean it paints him in a rather incompetent light for other people in this circle. This does not stop him from being a worried parent though. Oh no.

This man has the audacity to tell Luthor IN HIS FACE (though not in those words) that he fears him to be an (more or less accidentally) incompetent father figure. Which Danny predictably finds hilarious when Lex later tells him.

So here we see a first glimpse of the relationship between these two - a relationship that seems to have already been developing for quite some time already. It´s also here that we find out that Danny is stranded in this dimension - i do not want to say 'trapped' but in a sense it is the correct word. (all his friends, his family, everything he knows - they are are not here. He is the only one in this dimension. And even if some things are similar enough - I doubt it´s the same.)

While sad to think about, i do believe that he is making the best of his situation and he already seems to have found himself a parent figure. A parent figure that seems to actually care even. Who wants his best and won´t put their own work before the wellbeing of their child. Though we´ll only get there a little later in the story.

And personally I must say that it´s just damned funny to see the 'showdown' between Lex and Bruce go down. It´s such a stark contrast to the conversation Lex and Danny have later in the chapter that i did have to laugh quite a bit at all of the reactions both them tried to hide xD

I don´t want to sell the story short, but I also don´t want to spoil all too much, because honestly? That just takes the fun out of a story. So I´ll just summarize the next bit for a bit:

What follows are some serious and some funny conversations between Danny and several Heroes and Danny, as well as our favourite halfa and his new father figure about the nature of their relationship, his life before all of this, the nature of cloning and clones and no one has asked to be born and should not be treated any less for their parentage. Also about people being superweapons and how well (or bad) that can turn out. (And also the question: Are Lex Luthor and Superman bitter Exes? An important question I must admit. It would honestly explain so MUCH about their relationship. And even if it´s not true: i kinda want Danny asking it out loud at a press conference with Clark Kent and Lex Luthor present. That would be just hilarious xD)

And honestly? After the heartwarming talk about clones I kinda want Danny ripping Superman a new one about his behaviour with Kon. It would 1) be a very amusing thing to watch and 2) Our boy deserves a brother who will defend him from the people who have hurt him the most.

After that we get to Cass and Danny meeting and my god, those are such frankly adorable scenes that i DO NOT WANT TO SPOILER. So I´ll just ignore that whole comment in my head and just say: it´s the most adorable thing ever and i think i have diabetes after reading it. Also: I think my neighbours were about to knock on my door to ask where all that squealing came from and if i needed help because of all the running around they heard. I may or may not have run around my flat squealing like a little kid. Maybe.

What we also get to is Lex´ reaction to their meeting and it did not disappoint. He´s just such a tired dad now. Before long he´ll have talks about their children and their relationship with bruce. And both will probably be absolutely suffering during it lmao. As well as the batfamily as a whole. They don´t know what to think yet but they are already preparing the shovel talk xD

We also get to see one of the many abilities and strenghths Danny has and how he constantly holds himself as small as possible - our boy has a low self esteem and such a low opinion of his own intellect that it just physically hurts me :')

Okay so it´s quite late now - those were the first 5 chapters. Those are part commentary and part speculations and i hope it was entertaining. I did expect to get out a bit more, but my brain wants to go to sleep and and who am I to deny my brain it´s rest? Will try to at least do another 5 chapters tomorrow but I can´t promise anything ;p

[teardew]

-

im thinking about making a patreon because i .. uh .. i cant justify drawing for myself anymore and its killing me lmao

it takes me really long to draw so any time i hav should be spent on comms... iv been trying to fight off burnout by drawing things i like inbetween commissions like that sv anatomy practice and vampire/werewolf mngling was just for me but it still ended up setting me behind schedule because i had to rest my eyes and wrist afterward. but not only that i also wanna like. make a lot more things ...

like i wanna do animal, insect, architectural, jewelry studies and fashion and character design explorations and try designing icon packs and branch out trying embroidery with mixed media and clothes making and get into making like 3d things with clay and soft sculptures. i wanna make historical fashion coloring books with việt phục and fashion zines ...

also theres a lot of stuff i dont post bc im not sure if anyone would be interested in all the design concepts and notes i had for example the homestuck dreamer outfits or the various sha hualing designs and sketches i had before getting to the thing i posted? like i hav a bunch of different sqh outfit and hair designs but theyr more clothing based and not detailed character/face art ...

idk !! it sounds like an excuse. its like, who cares just post it ! i know i shouldnt value my art by the amount of numbers i get from posting on social media and i dont mostly but its kinda unavoidable ? to me ? i know i only post fanart and ppl follow me for that and its not a bad thing ! being realistic i just dont think anybody but me would be interested in it ??

i dont know. god. i dont know what this post is about. ''i dont think anybody would be interested in the things i really wanna make'' but im thinking about making a patreon for things i really wanna make anyway because thats the only way i can justify it is if i can profit off it in some way. i dont really want to, but with my financial circumstances i dont know. i never wanted to make my livelihood off my art. i dont even consider or call myself an ''artist'' really, i just want to MAKE art

i dont know why i still cant find a steady job after 5 months applying to everything and its making me miserable. its embarassing, they say to be persistent with jobs but calling and even walking in to check on applications and watching employers awkwardly try to turn me away without just flat out telling me no even though none of them hire me is an exercise in public humiliation. how bad do you want a job? bad enough to make a fool of myself with nothing to show for it. and i want to make art for myself to cope but it takes too much time and time is money

maybe this post is about my art anxiety under capitalism. i dont know

i think im safe enough now to admit my friends gofundme i was posting about months ago about helping their friend escape their abusive household was actually my gofundme because i was worried about them finding out and preventing me from leaving or internet stalking me afterwards. i did hav a scare when i got a phone call i thought was from my brother but ended up being a police officer, whos my mother's friend ...

but anyways. me admitting this is just to give context that. i ran hundreds of miles away from financial security and everything i ever knew and im still struggling to find steady income nearly half a year later. i just dont understand what im doing wrong. is it my name? is it because im not from here? iv been working continuously ever since i could legally my resume isnt BAD. am i just stupid? should i have just tried to make peace with my lot in life?

i thought getting away from my family would let me be in a better place to create more art, thats one of the things i was so excited about but this feels just as stressful as when i was the only earner supporting my family during covid. i just want a stable job so i can make art. i dont want making art to be my Job. i dont want to be a ''starving artist'' begging for people to care about my art i just want to make art. but fuck i dont know how to sustain any of this

sorry for this mess. insurance is different out here and i havnt been able to find a psych either so its not like i can talk about this in therapy instead of venting on my art blog. all my life i wanted to make things without the fear of it all being destroyed. the main reason i havnt branched out from illustrations is because its entirety can be saved digitally even if its physically ruined. my sketchbooks were thrown away or ripped apart by my family either from carelessness or anger to hurt me but now that im finally enough safe to have them again or make something i can hold in my hands without the fear that someone will come in break it and make me clean up its corpse i cant afford it

i dont know what to do. is it worth it? is making art worth it? i mean. its worth the rent this month. and i still love drawing god this is probably bad for business because i dont want people to feel bad for commissioning me or anything but not to be dramatic why does it feel like im fucking dying

[carmenized-onions]

HEY LOVELY!!!

Been a while since ive done one of these. Im re-reading AGAIN and forever will be. im obsessed, truly.

Through re-reading this hit SO hard.

“The other shoe still hangs in the air; but not in your bed.”

LIKE WHAT? HELLO? KILL ME? Your writing is phenomenal. i cannot fathom how you do this EVERY CHAPTER.

Anyway, im so exited to read every chapter to come. Am i in love with Tony? maybe a little (a lot). I was also wondering if you have anything planned for after you finish Chicago's finest? Another The Bear book? or maybe something else entirely? Not to rush you or anything, obviously. Im just so incredibly nosy. My deep apologies.

Just to tell you for the millionth time, im in love with you, youre writing, Tony, how you write the characters, EVERYTHING. gives me life.

me when i hear anyone coming even CLOSE to me while im reading Chicago's finest.

me planning a characters slow and painful demise when they upset Tony. (love you Carmy. not really. no, joking i do. maybe not. NO I DO I SWEAR.)

me trying to act casual when i see you've posted.

ALSO

me trying to act casual when Tony and Syd are interacting. (Dont worry, babe! by Chappell Roan? Who said that...?)

ANYWAY (for the second time) very sorry that this is just me rambling about stuff you dont want to hear.

Hope you're having an amazing day/night, lovely!!

I've stuck you in perpetual re-reading hell have I? My deepest apologies. Esp since I've been chronically re-reading in my brief basically hiatus as i write, I USE SO MANY COMMAS GUYS??? WHY WERE YOU LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH THAT??

the revisions once the series is finished is gonna go CRAZY.

Anyways, SUCH A DELIGHT to hear what silly prose of mine sticks out to you!! thank god you think i do it every chapter!! i am constantly doubting each chapter (man why do you think 15 has been so delayed? LMAO)

I adored using the other shoe as a through line throughout the Troubled Angst arc, one because it's very canon, but also because its very much a thing for me, like, when a good thing happens, cannot HELP but wonder how it's going to get fucked in the end.

which, after telling my doctor that, got reccomended the same books i reccomended carmen LMAO. love you son <3

THANK YOU FOR LOVING TONY!!! I love her dearly, I put so much of myself in her and also so much of what I see and love about my darling friends; my sweet darling dashing hero complex burden carrying the guy overconfident yet under confident tony. My sweet babe. the people love you!!

As for when I finish Chicago's Kindest (PUNCH BUGGY ACAB!! FUCK THE FINEST!!), I'll probably certainly absolutely take a break from writing for The Bear for a bit (though I'll definitely be around to answer asks!! duh!!). But once I return, I am hoping to...

If you send in little blurb requests for Chicago's Kindest, I'll do em!! I know esp with like Mikey/Chip there's a lot of bits that have been spoken about but never actually written out and lived. So like. If you got requests, send em in, I might write em.

I promised a SquidInk spinoff and bitch you're getting one!! There's two different ideas I've got twirling around for them at the moment, they might combine into one one off, or two separate things, who's to say!

More and More I cannot see RiChip as anything more than a platonic duo, but like, maybe I'll try to write something about them? I do adore those two. I just cant see em doin a kiss. that's just bad for my brain.

And I have no hard plans atm, but like, I'd like to write something for RIchie in general at some point. What about and what of? Idk. Certainly not a series this long. that's for fucking sure.

I don't think I can ever write for Carmen though again LMAOOO, it's only Tony for me atp. Like I can't pair him with a new reader, I'll fucking freak out. It's Chip or Die, y'know?

And while I have an epilogue planned, once Season 4 comes out, if there's something interesting that I feel like I wanna throw my hat in on, I'll come back for a Chicago's Kindest Season 2, so to speak. But no promises. They will probably give me nothing to work with, with how our stories diverge. who's to say.

anyways! not nosy!! sorry for talking about it for so fucking long!!!

i'm so glad I write the characters well, please note that it's cause I'm always freaking out about it. I am re-writing bits of lines all the time to make sure it suits their voices and decisions ,and even still i have changes i wanna make looking back LMAO

DONT CRASH OUT WHEN READING CHICAGO'S KINDEST LMAOSOD where is everyone typically when reading CK?? I'm usually on the subway editing my google doc lmao

and listen, every time i re-read Just Dropped i'm like damn. why did i not go with the punching route. should've cold clocked his ass. (love you carmy but JESUS CHRIST I WROTE ALL THAT??? WHAT WAS I GOING THROUGH MY WORD???)

THE LAST PHOTO ALSO?? i know that's a classic promo image but what the FUCK IS RICHIE DOING IN THE BACK? WHY ARE YOU SITTING LIKE THAT??? SIT UP BIG MAN WHAT THE HELL WE RUN A BUSINESS GIRL

Always rant and ramble to me!! Love to wake up to spam in my inbox. even if it takes me ten years to answer (sorry to everyone still trapped in my inbox, i love you babies)

all of you are really gonna hoot and holler when you see the squidink playlist, truly, it's so gay and sad. i love those idiots. when do i get to make them kiss. is it now? i hope it's now.

anyways i am SO LATE TO GO TO BED I'VE GOTTA GO BABIES BUT THANK YOU FOR CHATTIN WITH ME SORRY FOR TALKING FOR TOO LONG <3 HOPE I GET YOU YOUR NEXT CHAPTER SOON BABY I'M SORRY FOR THE FORCED HIATUS

[polyamorouspunk]

kfbdmbddmnd I know its not sleepover fridays where you take these kinda of asks so you can either hold onto this until then or not, no huge deal, I just wanted to get this off my chest and im realizing this may sound incomprehensible lmao. so!

I may have issues with my first ever relationship, of any incredibly intimate/pseudo-romantic kind, and I’m worried that I may have fucked up.

I’m in a pretty heavy duty qpr with this person (if I had to call it anything it would be qpr, they’re more married to the term than I am.) and have been for about 7/8 months now. it was Incredibly Intense sparks between us, instant insanely high attachment insanely fast. they described our initial few conversations weeks after the fact as borderline spiritual, neither of us really believe in soulmates but they felt like they must have known me in a past life. we’re both polyamorous, and they’ve been engaged to someone else for quite a bit before they met me (for reasons, they’re on rocky-ish terms rn but still together), and one time they looked me dead in the eye and said if they weren’t already promised to someone they’d want to marry me. I have been this persons seemingly sole emotional rock this entire time, my dms are a dumping ground for everything from soul crushing existential dread and breakdowns to the newest fixation to the latest crushes.

at first I was on board with how fast we’ve been going, trying to match their energy. they have years more experience than I do with polyamory which initially I’ve been deferring to just like experience wise while I’ve just read more ethical non monogamy/polyamory theory. im on the aroace spectrum, ive been really up front with my stance on amatonormativity and that kind of thing, whatever pace works for us works we just gotta keep tabs on our comfortability and energy. but like. hm. it’s clear that I’m the one with all of the emotional maturity and regulation.

when they said they’d want to marry me when they were already engaged felt like a red flag at the time, esp since I knew that they were going through a rocky period with their fiancé. they started So intense So fast that. I sorta feel like it’s fucked with my brain chemistry. to the point where now I feel like hopping out the gate with “I must have known you in a past life” in this very “stay with me forever” sort of way while only really knowing each other for a Month is also sort of a red flag in hindsight.

now heres the thing though. I have been matching this intensity, learning new things about myself and how my own attraction works, but like, my trust will be broken by them somehow and I’ll plummet through almost half the stages of grief and have a Hell of a time trying to feel the same kind of close to them that we started out as, I explain my grievance, they have a breakdown why they’re a bad person I assure them this isn’t the case, we just gotta improve behavior, and then they’re back to normal.

there’s small things like us discussing relationship terminology, telling each other that partner sounds good, but then in public they introduce me as their friend. or asking for privacy concerning my mental health stuff I tell them and then later find out they told like 4 other partners and qpps with out me knowing.

or the larger things like one time I was depressed so we planned a date like 2 weeks in advance, talking about it basically every day. but the night before they had an impromptu one night stand with an acquaintance, spammed my messages with gushing about this new sort of relationship, how great the sex was, including pictures I Did Not Ask For, and how they’ve never felt this way before. I was initially surprised at this deluge of stuff but ok, I was feeling happiness for them, I do get a lot of compersion, but also felt it was a lil weird.

when we actually meet up, they spend the Entire date talking about this other person. Everything. Not once do they ask about my day or talk about anything else. at one point they start physically flirting with me but then get distracted with talking about how the other person would touch them and then said that they’re still worked up from them.

I am viscerally uncomfortable, almost dissociating. I try to change the subject and they just blithely switch it back to them after a few minutes. later when I told them about how this made me feel, they had a breakdown about how they’re a bad person and don’t respect anyone. which while empathetic, is unhelpful. I can’t comfort them through an issue I’m having with them.

so I guess my question would be how the fuck do I deescalate a relationship like this. I like them, I like spending time with them, but they don’t show me any thoughtfulness at all and my boundaries are encroached upon with zero self awareness.

Okay yeah so I’m sensing some like. I’m not going to say “borderline behaviors” because like there are a variety of mental illnesses that have similar symptoms, but as someone with BPD I’m going to say “bpd symptoms” because they’re similar to ones that I would have.

Anyone that uses “I’m such a bad person” is not in a good headspace. I don’t remember the last time I’ve gone on the “I’m such a terrible person” rampage but whenever it was it was because I was throwing a pity party and that is exactly what it is. No one who is throwing out the most guilt trip line of all time like that is in a good headspace or mature. Now I mean like I’ve said “what if I’m a bad person what if I need to be better” and that’s different. I’ve said that recently and it led to “maybe I should go back to therapy and work on myself” which wow wouldn’t you know it is exactly what I’m doing. Big difference between someone telling you you hurt them and going “IM SORRY IM SUCH A BAD PERSON” and going to your friends in private and being like “hey I don’t think I handled this as well as I would have liked in retrospect, could you maybe give your insight on what I could have done better and what I maybe handled appropriately given the situation, AITA or no?” Yk? Which is exactly what I did the night I went to 🔮’s bf’s party which was what then led her to saying she needed space from me so then I was like “hey here’s what happened did I do something wrong?” @ my friends in my server.

You can apologize without making it about yourself. You can say “I’m sorry” without taking on “I’m such a bad person”. I said sorry to 🔮 numerous times, asked if I could fix it, asked if I ruined it between us. But never did I say “sorry I’m just such a horrible person” because you know what I’m still trying to sell myself to this girl why would I say shit like “I’m such a bad person.” Like when someone tells you they’re a bad person they want reassurance they’re not because if you say “yeah you kinda are” then suddenly YOU’RE the shitty one but like yeah it’s really not a good move to trash yourself it’s a lot sexier to stand your ground and be like “I’m sorry this upset you and I’m willing to accommodate and change my behavior while staying true to me.”

It really seems like you were, at one point, just their newest obsession. And that they become obsessed with other people equally. It seems like you got sucked into their vortex, and it’ll be a lot more painful for you to get out than for them. It seems like you may have already tried to set boundaries (communicating that things upset you) and they were not well received (re: “I’m such a bad partner I’m so sorry” instead of “I’m sorry let me work on that next time”).

I’m not a spiritual person but I’m also not going to knock someone else’s spiritual beliefs so I don’t want to be like “man telling someone you must have known them in a past life sounds like it could be psychosis” but it sure is Coming On Too Strong™️. I mean, like I know that I come on too strong, but holy shit that is a whole ‘nother level. If it makes you uncomfortable to hear things like that, you are allowed to say that. Because I’m pretty sure that would make me uncomfortable personally.

Also the idea of being “promised to someone” in a nonmonogamous relationship is… sketchy… especially when they are telling you they want to replace that person’s role in their life with you… like that’s not healthy polyamory. Healthy polyamory is creating new roles for people in your life not replacing the roles people already fill with new roles while that person is quite literally still in that role.

If they’re telling other members of their polycule things you asked them to keep to themselves then they are once again not respecting your boundaries.

I understand that people can be really charming and draw people in (think of extreme cases like Manson and Bundy) and that it can be hard to escape that. It doesn’t sound healthy from the outside but I’m not one to be like “dump their ass” for advice. I’m just saying that you’re aware it’s kind of toxic and unhealthy, and obviously I don’t have both sides, but I can say as someone who does have BPD there is a world where you can have a partner with those kinds of issues and have a relationship that isn’t that toxic I swear. Like I was a lot worse than I am not and I got better, like there are plenty of more mild people out there who have the same issues but actually put in the effort to get better for those around them.

[babymorte]

What are YOUR thoughts on Maria's design?

okay okay okay ive gotten a lot of people asking my my thoughts on the silent hill thing and i just haven’t gotten around to replying im sorry that i haven’t gotten around to it so im just gonna put all my thoughts here if that’s okay??

*also spoilers*

to answer your question first..! i don’t hate her? she looks like a mix between kristen bell and ashley in re4 remake honestly…like they made her look too likeable? you’re not necessarily supposed to kil her? like there’s always something kind of off about her but you don’t know what kind of thing in the original…this maria i would trust with my life. like im not mad about it not even a little…she just oooks like a lost kid not someone whose meant to seduce someone? i get why people are upset but it’s not like ada in re6 bad so i don’t really have any complaints !

for the game as a whole? absolutely pumped i am so beyond excited and i am SO SO SO proud of bloober because you can tell they really are putting their all into this game. they haven’t really shown eddie yet though so im kind of worried about how they’re gonna change him cuz his mental breakdown scene is brutal and like they need to treat it carefully i think…

angela looks great and im wondering if they’re going to make her assault actually canon since thats always just been a fan theory. i definitely think there’s going to be backlash on some of the themes from people who don’t know how fucked up the game actually is and I’m sure they’ll blame bloober 😅 ur everything looks so good. the fog looks great, the lighting is spot on, it looks absolutely beautiful…they’re using the same dialogue?? like i really do think this is a game for the fans as much as it is a blatant cash grab and konami being ever the opportunist as they always are but like there’s been so much to look out for and compare between this remake and the og that fans who like that stuff are gonna have a freaking field day (totally speaking for myself here). Im very excited. I’ve been excited since it was first announced like bloober is one of my fave devs i want this to do well so badly you have no idea.

as for the rest of the transmission there’s a lot of collectibles i want but it’s kind of annoying there’s no collectors edition and you have to buy everything separately? like it is konami after all so im not surprised but like come on you know they’re all expensive as hell. honestly all the merch is pretty dope!

and the movie?? im so excited like we don’t need a sh2 movie but im gonna love it im sure. i love the first silent hill even though the story is changed so drastically because there IS enough subtle fan service in every scene for you to look for on top of the blatant ‘come see our movie cuz pyramidhead is in it’ fan service (which you know was a studio decision to put him in) but like such care was given to the first movie because the director is a fan of the games like an actual fan and you can tell! just like paul anderson with the first two resi movies (i will die on this hill) like i have so much faith return to silent hill will be good!!

like i know im getting more excited than i should be because its konami we’re talking about here. they’re bound to fuck it up somehow but I’m really hoping for once they’re using their heads and we’re gonna get some good silent hill content 🙏🏻🤞🏼

[fairyhaos]

yena yena yena yena yenaaaa

i missed you sm :((

I'm actually doing the best i think ive ever done in my life

bc everyone around me is happy, im trying my hardest for my assessments (i didn't gwt the best marks in some subjects but its okay i think), i fell back in love with reading, i fell back in love with writing, the weather is pretty, no-one's mad at me, i haven't cried in ages, svt ot13 are back, gose is back, i reread some of my fave fics (yours) and you know i feel good.

im happy 😊

i hope you are too <3

i have 60+ wips and im just waiting for a day off to start writing them. I did my best on my research report and i feel proud that i managed to do it.

i really did miss you loads, but everything around me was so chaotic i just wanted to sleep for a while yk? but im so glad you're here and you exist!!

please know i genuinely appreciate you a lot and the reason why im still an anon (and why i think ill always stay an anon even though i really wanted to become moots before) is so you know im not saying this to be fake or something. You have no idea who i am and i have no reputation at stake anyway. Which is why i want you to know that you are so appreciated. reading your fics truly puts my mind and heart at ease. I always read them before i sleep so i can sleep a little better. And even though the fics are a huge part of you, the reason why you're someone i genuinely love talking to is because you're you. You're yena. You're so soft and appreciative. You actually appreciate the people around you and in my opinion you're the softest person i know <3 theres loads of people who write good, but the reason why you're the only person who i have my notifs on for is because you make me want to interact with you and trust me for someone who hates social interactions that's huge. Thank you for staying active even though i know there are mean ppl who probably bother you here. Thank you yena, for being you <3

-🌱

sprout anon :((( my dearest i had to keep this in my inbox for just a few days longer bc it was so touching and i really appreciate your words 💗

im so glad to hear that you've been doing really great these days!! im seriously so, so happy that you've been feeling happier these days, and i think that re-finding those precious things which you love are important parts of healing and enjoying life just that little bit more ^^

don't worry about not coming in and talking to me btw!!! im just very glad that you're doing well <3 i appreciate you very much too aww and idk how to describe it, but hearing that you're comfortable enough to stay anon makes me feel so... grateful, almost? it's like having a stray cat who may not necessarily want to come home w me but still likes me enough to hang out whenever i see it ^^

thank you for loving my fics but also for loving me! im so so honoured that you feel this way about me and i promise to be someone who will always be here for you, and anyone else who needs it :] thank you dearest, and im so grateful that you can find comfort in me and my blog 💗💗

[sennaverstappendiary]

australian grand prix ✩ 02.04.2023

SOOOOO HERE WE FUCKING GO‼️‼️‼️ my journey into f1 has finally started. now, is it because i'm dutch and max is slaying? well, that has something to do with it, but! i actually have to instead thank the other driver in my username for getting me into f1! 🥰🥰🥰

🗓️ march 23th, 2023. i was in bed, trying to sleep, and i simply couldn't. i don't know why - might have to do with recovery symptoms, but i COULD NOT sleep. and my now ex was sleeping next to me, so couldn't watch video's. what did i do instead?

wikipedia deep dive. 😁😁😁

i'm not sure how it happened, but eventually i found myself on the... "crashes in formula one" page. and being the morbidly curious little freak that i am, i scrolled through everything. one of them caught my eyes though, more than any other.

💕💕ayrton senna💕💕 - the last driver to pass away during a formula one race. i clicked on his page, and, woah. it was like something clicked inside of me as i scrolled through it. especially his rivalry with 💕💕alain prost💕💕 seemed so interesting to me... like what happened there...

needless to say: i was hooked. more than hooked, to be honest. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

i ended up scrolling, reading more and more, and i only slept when it was 5 am. the days after that were a blur of FORMULA ONE FORMULA ONE FORMULA ONE. it was genuinely the only thing i could think of/talk about. genuinely felt like i was on cr4ck... 💥💥💥

funny thing: my brother, who had introduced me to f1, wasn't even home at the time i got hyperfixated. sometimes i wonder how that would've gone. 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

another funny thing: i was very sad to find out that the prosenna community wasn't thriving on tumblr 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

another VERY funny thing: i literally laughed the first time i saw lestappen. like in a mean way. i have no clue what happened but about 2 days later i was reblogging it and it was becoming my fav modern ship alarmingly quickly 🤯🤯🤯🤯

so yeah. went kinda (really) fucking crazy the week before this grand prix. of course i decided to wake up at 7 am to watch it 😁😁 god bless. i didn't gaf about fp at the time (smartest thing ive ever done, like, i should stop caring about fp now)

qualifying was just... confusing for me seeing as i didn't understand too much. i do vividly remember how AWKWARD the picture with the top 3 was 😭😭😭 i was very sleepy and i think i accidentally woke up my (now) exin the other room PLEASE 🤣🤣🤣

the race was... i'm both shocked and glad that this was my first ever race. waking up at 7 for it was fun as fuck i can't even lie i LOVE me an early race 💕💕 i was so hyped for it!! i didn't understand much, and i didn't have any friends to chat with yet, but it was fun. if i had been into f1 longer i would've probably been more scared of the mercs leading lap after lap, but i was blissfully unaware AND very very faithful in max... just kept repeating to myself "i'm not gonna worry about it lol" which DID work in the end. i rewatched this race for this post and man. i remember not really giving a fuck about charles dnf because i wasn't THAT much into any modern drivers yet except max LOL. 🥲🥲🥲 and i remember alex's crash being way later than it actually was in the race? maybe because of the crazy fucking red flags PLEASE 😰😰😰 george's car lighting on fire... nyck flopping... my first impression of carlos being his fucking complaint about the SUN i'm screaming... what a crazy fucking race.

after the race i was gleefully telling my dad everything (his ass was NOT waking up at 7 for this which i respect greatly) and shakingly eating breakfast (i was so excited fdjhgdhfgdfh)... and then i realised... 4 weeks without f1 😵‍💫😵‍💫 whilst in the height of my hyperfix!! how did i survive!!!

anyway i'm so glad this was my first race, even though it was a really weird one dfhghdg 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 AUSTRALIA 2023 U WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS TO ME‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

✩ song of the race: Industry Baby - Lil Nas X

I just fuck heavy with this song LMFAO. also it's kinda maxcore if u think about it... i certainly think about it... 😭💕😭💕😭💕

[shoeshoesho]

March 17, 2023

i haven’t written in a while. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. I cant really put my finger on it. And to be honest now that i should be writing about it i find myself too tired to even dive in. Im tired of being tired. Im tired of being upset. Without even discussing the issue, the buddhist way would sound like this: Be less self centered. Everything that happens, happens. We are the creator of this reality that is in pain and anguish. We paint this landscape we feel. i feel bad at my job. I feel attached to this identity of my job. I tally my mistakes and reason with my own myself- why don’t you just quit? I feel tired and burnt out. I think to myself. Is that just an excuse for your mistakes? Or are these just excuses. Maybe, you are bad at your job? Maybe its ok to be bad at your job. Maybe if you accepted that you were bad at your job that you would be happier. Free-er. 

Maybe if you let go of this. You could finally be happy doing a half ass job at your work. I ask myself why cant I be an effective person? Why do i make the mistakes i make. What self help books can I get. Or am i just. not good. at this. job. IT pays well. I bought a house. Im sitting here on my rug with the fire. alone. Was it all worth it in the end??

IS this a millenial soul reaching out for some sort of unordinary lifestyle? Should i be doing something i really love doing? What are all the answers, where are all the fucking answers. 

Ive never had the confidence to do something unconventional. Ive always been so scared. So scared that if i didnt have it all, i wouldnt be happy. So now that i have it all, am i? 

I feel pathetic. and i find myself hating myself. I think im tired. Tyler says im always tired. He says ive been tired for as long as ive known him...

What does that say? Is that even related to this job?

I think im getting better though. at dealing with the dissapointment.

Today me and tyler were both hanging on a string. I think i was doing ok and he snapped at me. and then we were both not ok. He had a bad week and all his plans fell through so he was upset and moping around the house. I tried to go somewhere with him but then we both lost it in the car. I found myself feeling very similar to how it was in the beginning when i worked at dominican. When he had (and still doesnt really have) the capacity to deal with me being so upset. We could not be more opposites in terms of dealing with work, and stress. I needed someone to council me to sooth me. To want to understand. I wanted someone to ask me what exactly happened and what the situation was. I wanted him to tell me it was ok- but to actually take a look at the situation.

I know he thinks he doesnt need to look at the situation, because he believes in me and thinks im over reacting overall. But i just see him brushing it off completely. In fact, he probably is cause he fucking hates talking about work. IT triggers him into some sort of spiral. talking about my work, his work. Hed rather not address it at all and act like it doesnt exist. All these work problems.

In many ways hes right though. It doesnt matter. If you treat it for what it is.. it shouldnt make me worried. In fact, i shouldnt even be talking about it right now. I shouldnt bring it up because its not importaint in our lives. Unfortunately for me i still think work is importaint to me.

Maybe i need to put efforts in something more personal. Something that could actually help me feel good about what i do. I said this today but im having hard times remembering it. We count all our mistakes but none of the good things we fix. I think maybe i could count on my fingers all the mistakes ive made this year and last year. but i never even counted all the good things ive done in my job. I dont give myself that ever. 

[inkrabbit]

I am quite new to Ghost and have only started being able to tell which ghoul is which on stage but I was wondering, does each papa have different ghouls ? Who is Ares ?. I hope this question isn't too much of a bother :)

okay children, gather round. Mama Rabbit's gonna go back on her bullshit rambling rq

welcome to Ghost, anon! <333 questions like these are never a bother. I'm honestly honored that a few people have asked me questions about the Papas and the Ghouls. I wanna say I'm gonna keep this... decently short, but knowing me, that won't be the case.

Ghost is a very... special case. if you're looking at fiction, then it's really up to the author/artist on how they want to interpret the ghouls. for me, I have it that every Papa summoned their own ghoul, though Copia (Papa IV and the current Papa) had taken/adopted/borrowed some of Terzo's (Papa III) ghouls.

but looking at the irl side of everything? Alpha, Omega, their first keyboardist and first drummer were in the band from 2010-2016. this would mean that those 4 ghouls would've been with Papas I-III. then we got Aether (our current rhythm guitarist) and Dewdrop/Sodo/Ember/whatever the fuck people wanna call him (at the time bassist in 2016 but moved to lead guitar after Ifrit bailed in... 2018 I think). after that, we were introduced to Rain (current bassist), Swiss (current multi ghoul), Mountain (current drummer), and Cirrus and Cumulus (current keyboardist/backup vocal/the works). and it really depends on how the content creator wants to handle all of this. I've seen it done a few different ways and it's just the beauty of people making content because nothing will ever truly be the same as someone else's. as I've loosely quoted before: "Ghost's creative content is mainly fandom. 5% is actual lore, 10% is what we get from Tobias' interviews, and the other 85% is what the fandom has made up and run with."

there are a few different guides online for which ghoul is which, when they were in the band, what instrument they were on, etc. there is a good tiktok actually by @/cmaraschina where they did something for all 21 ghouls that have been in the band. this does tell you their real names, so be careful if you don't want to unmask the ghouls. however, this is done because... most of the ghouls weren't named until... Era 3 I believe. I know Terzo had introduced Alpha, Omega and Water (which I think was Dewdrop/Sodo) during a show.

as for Ares :)))))

so in Ghost's Chapter 8, we're shown a piece of the past, where a young Papa Nihil performs at Whisky A Go Go, complete with his own ghouls. and honey... I took one look at those ghouls and said "yes, gimme".

Ares (the lead guitarist) is..... these ghouls aren't mine, I just named them and started using them. from what I know, I'm the only person who's currently using Nihil's ghouls and these names I picked out for them. are others using them? I dunno. have people given them different names? I dunno. I've never seen these boys used by anyone else, but it's probably because I'm the only mf that could get 2 seconds of content from characters we know nothing about and decide to obsess over them.

Ares' first appearance in any of my fics was "The Last Night" where he had attacked and subsequently killed the reader. he was unnamed in that fic and was only referred to as... I think "the old fire ghoul" or "Nihil's fire ghoul" and it was supposed to stay that way. then I started talking to a friend and... we got Ares. I was originally going to name him Vulcan, so if you see that name pop up in my older posts, that's why.

all in all, you don't have to worry about seeing those names. Ares, Neptune, Notus, Silvanus and Astraeus you won't need to worry about because, for me, they're Nihil's old ghouls. they're not part of the current or any previous lineup and I think they were just actors for Chapter 8. they're not legit in Ghost

[mallowstep]

hopefully this isn’t a bother, but you say you believe dnis are ableist. can you explain? i’m not very active on here so if you have ive missed it.

I was going to write you up a whole little essay about this I really was

But look dnis suck. Right now my brain keeps misfiring because my shoulder fucking HURTS and it’s either be aware of it or just. Fuck. Keep losing my train of thought and what I was doing and what’s going on. As I keep doing.

Uh. Fuck.

Right okay. Sorry my back hurts.

So a DNI expects me, someone who can string a sentence together but like. Not exactly flawlessly or easily. Expects me to either. Remember who a post is by. And if I’m allowed to reblog or. Ai y’know what lemme. Mentally.

So dni means. Supposed to either remember who it is and if allowed. Or check. Pretend best case it’s a pinned post. Read post. Maybe I know everything on it the it’s easy. Maybe not tho. Maybe has acronyms or issues I don’t know or understand. Or maybe not topic I think important. Or maybe I never talk abt it. But have opinion. Wouldn’t know that.

So read and understand and figure out if I fit. Maybe I don’t use labels the same way. It’s hard. Don’t call myself by labels very often but dnis focus on labels. I only have specific beliefs not fancy word groups. what am I supposed to do. No one ever explains.

I. Fuck. Where am I going. Not great. Okay. Read it have to understand. Maybe I know. If I know ok. Remember what I wanted to do? Maybe? Head hurts. Why bother. Maybe I don’t know how I’m anxious. Hurts bad. Before dnis I assume they block me if they don’t like me. So. Now can’t. All this very time consuming very hard to think about. And just for one post. Just to like one post.

Best case scenario also. Not covering. Uh. Not covering other things. Hard to find links. Inaccessible images. “Standard dni” don’t know what that means no one agrees what it means. Carrds.

And the virtue signaling. If only put fandom issues on dni — does that mean don’t care abt other issues? No but better put all things here. Just in case. Not making a statement isn’t allowed. Doesn’t matter what or why you need to cover it all.

Uh. Right. Uh and anxiety. Some things I have an opinion on. Whole subject banned though. Won’t tell u what. Only talk in private with people I trust. Important to me. But silent. Everything on internet not for sharing. Block people who disagree with me on subject but not on dni.

These parts aren’t ableism as much. Argue bicker etc. point is dnis are work you the user has to do. Not okay. Really. Too much. I need to. It’s taken me. Idk how much time. Lots of time to write this. Should’ve taken less. Want to go on tumblr without this. Want to go on tumblr like reblog not worry about things.

That’s how I use tumblr actually. Don’t worry abt dnis. Other users they block me that’s fine. Can’t remember things. Can’t use tumblr like that. So don’t.

Right hope this makes sense. Maybe someone who can. Maybe someone who is maybe feeling better can add on. Or smthn. Idk I’m. Losing it.

[ankhisms]

ok i shall allow myself to vent a bit bc my hands hurt too much to write in my journal and then i will go back to silly sentai time

am mainly just struggling with my paranoia and unreality issues today having been triggered by some random fucking thing and remembering trauma but also being very scared and worried about everyone i know and love being hurt and me being unable to help them in any way i feel so trapped and powerless to do anything to change my life due to the amount of control my parents have over like every aspect of my life that they can ... recently ive been thinking about how i wish i could really have a space of my own like have my own apartment and be able to decorate it and hang up art prints and actually make it feel safe and like a home but then im crushed by the feeling of that being an impossible dream because its like how am i ever going to get out of this situation a lot of times it really feels like im just going to be stuck here dealing with daily bullshit and abuse until i die and then when it comes to my various brain shit my brain wants me to think that everything is my fault and that no one is going to want to support me or believe me or be on my side and like no one will listen to anything i have to say so why bother speaking up even though logically i know thats not true i love and value and appreciate the people in my life and ive recieved support from friends that im eternally grateful for. but my brain and the abuse trauma bullshit still wants to just tell me that im alone forever and that theres no escape and that im always wrong. anyway im trying my best to let myself feel things but let it go thanks if u read this ily

[apocalyptic-morals]

A ramble of my life-

I simply need to get this out in some way.

There are very few people in my life who would accept me 100% for who i truly am. but to be honest i find myself asking, why does it even matter? what does their acceptance do for me? i am fake- i am a mirror reflecting what i think other people want, and therefore to them that is who i am. i am who they think i am to them, a small fragment of their life story in their head. this is the first time i am being honest to anyone other than myself. i simply lack empathy for most people. im not stupid, im not socially inept. i know what reactions matter to what topics, i know when to act sensitive, when to seem warm and open. i know how to make myself cry at funerals, i know when to laugh at peoples jokes. i know when i should seem to care.

alas, i am not completely emotionally empty. the only emotionally bonding experience i am able to have is with animals, such as cats, dogs, birds, anything. i have absolutely no clue why this is the way it is for me. i have bear witness to many morbid obscurities, as a matter of fact i am pursuing forensics since blood and g*re doesnt bother me. however, the first time i felt any tears on my face in many years was actually recently, when i put my dog down. i cant remember the last time i felt happiness.

i truly wish i wasnt this way. in the same way people try NOT to care about things, ive done all i can to force myself to care. im not even considered a loner- i initiate social interactions all the time. i have a partner, a family, friends. i feign these interactions because it seems like it should be normal- if i didnt, my family would be worried, and would try and seek me help. this honestly seems like a hassle over something that cannot be tamed, out of convenience i am a mirror to their views on me. to everyone i am me, to me i am no one. i was raised to care about the people around me, i was raised to be kind and loving, to be normal and so as to keep up this façade, i do everything i can to live up to their expectations.

at the same time, i know its not normal to not react to things properly. if i had it my way, id be a hermit. very few things make me feel happiness, very few things make me feel sadness. very few things bring emotion out of me. this lack of emotions would make me seem like an asshole in many settings. for example, at work, someone who had a dairy allergy received cheese on their sandwich. even though i knew and understood the severity of the situation, i just simply couldn't care. in my head, i made the situation right for me, out of my own convenience. i could even go so far as to say had that lady taken a bite and something terrible happened, i still wouldn't care. any tragedy in my life that has occurred regarding people, i just don't feel anything about. im j hollow all the time.

my partner and mines bond is the closest to a genuine bond ill ever have with a human- its because they are kind enough to try and figure me out. they are the only person to make me want to continue life, and thats good enough for me to keep trying for them. however, i have absolutely no clue what love is. i don't think my partner would want to stay with someone like me for very long when they have so much affection to give, so theres no point in searching for answers. if they stay, they stay. if they go, good for them. they are the only person ive discussed this with. i dont know if they want to fix me, or what they want, but for now i don't mind their presence. living with them is convenient anyways, to say the least.

to put an end to this rambling, theres only one more thing id like to mention. whether or not theres a reason why i am the way i am, it doesnt matter. i am who i always have been, and i cant change. someone i do look up to is the character from dexter, dexter morgan. other than the fact i have 0 interest in pursuing homicide as a hobby, hes someone i see myself in in a sense where his sense of self is very similar to my own views. he fakes it till he makes it, and goes after his motives and goals (even though theyre completely different from my own). i look up to him because he eventually is able to form somewhat genuine relationships with others, and throughout the series you see a plethora of emotions shine through him. i simply hope i can do the same.

[whatstruthgottodowithit]

The Other Evans Girl [Part Sixty One]

Fandom: Harry Potter [Marauder’s Era]

Pairing: Sirius Black/Original Female Character, Sirius Black/Daisy Evans, James Potter/Lily Evans

Characters: Sirius Black, Original Female Character, Daisy Evans, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Alice Fortescue, Frank Longbottom, Marlene McKinnon, Albus Dumbledore, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix LeStrange, Walburga Black,

Word Count: 2372

Rating: Mature

Summary: Hogwarts is a safe haven, a home for many. But it’s often a place where heartache, love and complex emotions dwell and none know that better than the Marauders. Lily Evans just wants to make it out as a successful witch though the oncoming war and the ongoing advances of James Potter threaten that. Daisy Evans, her twin, has other goals. Join the Evans sister’s as they make their way through Hogwarts, prepare for war and eventually find love.

Tags/ Warnings: My Writing, The Other Evans Girl, Sirius Black Fic, Sirius Black/You, Sirius Black x OFC, OFC, Marauders Fic, Eventual Sirius Black, Sirius Black x Reader Fic, Sirius Black Fic, James Potter is a bit of a dick but we LOVE it, Hogsmeade, Friends, Hate, Love, Angst, Fluff, Kissing, Implied Sex, Potters, Babies, Weddings, Dating, Friends to Loves, Slow Burn, Eventual Sirius and Daisy, Teenage Angst, Insecurities, Fighting, Arguing, Bullying, War, First Wizarding War, Marauders, Marauder’s Era, 1970’s, 1970s Fashion, Canon Character Deaths, Loss of Virginity, Crying, Voldemort, The Other Evans Girl, Marauders Era to war, Multiple Parts, GORE, injuries, harm, fighting, blood, The Potter’s Mansion // Daisy’s Dress // NYE Lily’s Dress // NYE Daisy’s Dress // Lily’s Ring // Daisy’s Ring

Notes: can i say i dont know how ive churned out sixty parts but oh my i love writing this series

LINK TO AO3 // LINK TO PINTEREST // LINK TO ALL PARTS

TAGS - @maeisafangirl@mysteriouslydelicateface

When Daisy finally crept back to the dormitory it was gone 1 am. Her eyes were heavy and aching but and she wanted nothing more than to climb into bed but as she made her way over to it she heard Lily call her name. She was sitting up in bed, her eyes anxious and wide.

‘What are you doing back so late?’ she said as Daisy walked towards her bed. ‘I was with Sirius,’ Daisy said simply. ‘Oh, right, yeah of course,’ Lily said. ‘Were you waiting up for me?’ Daisy asked. ‘No, of course not, I was reading I just…’ ‘Lil?’ ‘Maybe,’ she mumbled. Daisy chuckled and climbed into bed beside her sister, pulling the covers over both of them. She sunk into her so her head was resting on Lily’s shoulder. Neither spoke for a moment.

‘So,’ Daisy said, ‘what’s the matter?’ ‘Nothing,’ Lily said. ‘But?’ ‘I guess I just wanted to offload. About today,’ she said sheepishly. Daisy pulled back and held back a smirk as she watched a red tinge creep across her sister’s face. Just like Lily to need to dissect everything. Daisy swore she never did anything without strenuous preplanning and rigorous evaluating afterwards.

‘Why what was today? Something special?’ Daisy chuckled earning a glare from her twin, ‘alright alright come on how was it?’ ‘Okay,’ Lily said quietly. Daisy frowned. ‘Okay bad or okay good?’ she asked with worry. ‘Just okay,’ Lily said. ‘Wow, let’s hope James can’t hear you from here I don’t think his ego would ever recover,’ Daisy said nudging her sister. When she received nothing back she frowned again.

‘Lil, are you sure you’re okay?’ Daisy asked. ‘Yeah, I just. I thought I’d feel different you know? Like I’d be a whole new woman but I don’t feel any different. I planned for everything. And it wasn’t like I planned. Actually, it was a bit awkward… maybe there’s something wrong with me.’ ‘Nothing’s wrong with you,’ Daisy said. ‘I just feel like he was expecting something more,’ Lily said. ‘I’m sure he was just happy to be there,’ Daisy chuckled but Lily frowned, ‘were you expecting more?’ ‘No,’ Lily said, ‘I guess I just thought I’d be more prepared or less nervous. And I didn’t think he would be. He was actually more nervous than me.’ ‘It was both your first time,’ Daisy reasoned. ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right,’ she said, ‘Besides you don't have to do it again if you don't want to…not right away at least,’ Daisy said. ‘What and have Sirius tease us mercilessly no thank you,’ Lily scoffed but Daisy’s face fell into a pout.

‘Sirius wouldn’t do that,’ she countered. ‘Right, Hogwarts casanova wouldn’t tease his best mate-’ ‘He’s not a casanova! And if you must know Sirius hasn’t…’ ‘Oh,’ Lily said, ‘I thought…’ ‘Me too,’ Daisy said, ‘actually I was freaking out the other way.’ ‘You were?’ Lily asked. Daisy nodded. ‘I was freaking out because you were ready and I wasn’t…I’m not,’ Daisy said. ‘Does Sirius know?’ ‘I told him today. He was actually really sweet about it. That’s when he told me about, well, his reputation being a little exaggerated. I mean if you tell anyone he’ll probably kill me and you so-’ ‘I’ll keep it to myself don’t worry,’ Lily said. ‘Good,’ Daisy said falling quiet. The pair of them sat there for a moment cuddled into one another, as they had done so many times before.

Eventually, Daisy said, ‘Lil?’ ‘Mmm?’ ‘Do you regret it?’ ‘...No. No, I don’t think I do,’ Lily said quietly. ‘I guess that’s a good thing. I mean, even if it wasn’t quite what you expected,’ Daisy replied. ‘Yeah,’ Lily said, ‘and I wouldn’t worry you know…if you’re not ready to.’ ‘I’m not. Not anymore. Sirius made me realise I was being silly,’ Daisy said. ‘We really did pick two good ones didn’t we,’ Lily said. ‘Oh god,’ Daisy groaned. ‘What?’ ‘You’re going soft.’ ‘I am not!’ Lily protested. ‘Yes, you are!’ Daisy giggled, ‘just for the love of God do not say that around them. They may be good men but they’re big-headed boys first of all.’

After that, they were in very hushed giggles. Daisy was laughing so hard she could feel it in her ribs until finally the laughter subsided and they fell back into quiet.

‘I should probably get into bed,’ Daisy said with a sigh. Lily looked at her and nodded. The blonde climbed out of bed and padded across the short distance to her own bunk. She stripped off her clothes and shoved on the pyjamas she had been wearing yesterday before she climbed into her own bed and covered up, ready to settle down to sleep as she lay there she heard her sister speak. ‘Night Dais,’ Lily whispered. ‘Night Lil,’ Daisy said. ‘Dais,’ Lily said quietly. Daisy rolled onto her elbow to find her sister in a similar pose on her own bed watching her quietly. ‘Yeah?’ ‘I’m glad I waited up for you…’ she said, ‘you’re a good sister you know that?’ ‘You too,’ Daisy said. ‘Love you,’ Lily smiled. ‘Love you too,’ Daisy replied before she fell back into bed and allowed sleep to pull her under.

✵✵✵

Lily seemed to relax a little after she had unloaded her worries to her sister’s listening ears. And though everyone knew what they had been up to that day, well bar Peter, there was no teasing or ribbing as Lily expected. Sirius did tell her that James had been beside himself when he got in. Proud as punch and had seemingly not noticed any of the awkwardness Daisy had told her about. Daisy had rolled her eyes but kept quiet. Typical. Whilst the girls were in knots about every aspect of their relationships the boys were oblivious. Go figure.

Daisy and Sirius’ relationship had gotten a lot better though. Since Daisy had been honest with him about her feelings they seemed to be on the same page. And that page included being very handsy. The only night they hadn’t spent tucked away together was defence club night and that was only because they physically couldn’t be. And having missed one another’s touch the following morning they came down to breakfast hand in hand. There were a few lingering looks since this was the first time they were open about being together but Daisy found she didn’t care.

As she slotted onto the bench Sirius sat down beside her. Lily and James were across from them but they were the only ones there. Daisy knew Alice was in the library helping Frank with some revision and she had seen Marlene bolt from the dormitory first thing to meet Pierre but she expected the boys to be there.

‘Where is everyone?’ Daisy asked as she poured herself a bowl of cornflakes. ‘Pete’s got some gobstones meeting,’ James said, ‘and Rem’s not feeling too good.’ ‘Is he alright?’ Daisy asked with a frown. Sirius hadn’t mentioned it on their way down to breakfast. ‘He’s fine. Just tired,’ James said. ‘Is he missing the day?’ Lily asked with concern probably more about his attendance record than his well-being. ‘Nah, he said he’d be up later,’ James said as he wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve earning a glare from Lily that he ignored. ‘Maybe we should tell McGonagall,’ Lily said. ‘Tell me what?’ a nasal voice said from behind them. The four of them turned to find McGonagall standing behind James and lily having seemingly crept up on them. ‘That Remus isn’t feeling well Professor,’ James said. ‘Right,’ McGonagall said, her lips pursed and her eyes narrowed for a moment, the lack of trust for anything the boys said evident in her tone. ‘He said he thinks he’s going to have to miss a couple of lessons,’ Lily said, ‘we just thought we should tell you so you know he’s not just skipping.’ ‘Okay…thank you, Miss Evans,’ McGonagall said with a kind smile. James rolled his eyes and turned around back to his toast making Sirius and Daisy have to try and hold in their laughter. James was not one to be outdone, even if it was Lily who was doing the outdoing.

‘Mr Black?’ McGonagall said cutting their hushed laughter off. ‘Yes, Professor?’ Sirius said after a beat. ‘I have a letter for you,’ she said handing him an envelope, ‘and I want to see you in my office after school.’ ‘Am I-’ Sirius said but she was gone flying up the aisle and out of the grand hall. Three confused faces turned to look at him. He shrugged and opened the letter scanning through it quickly.

‘What is it?’ Daisy asked trying to peek. ‘It’s from my uncle,’ Sirius said. ‘Your uncle?’ James said. ‘Yeah,’ Sirius said, ‘he’s dead.’ ‘Oh Sirius I’m sorry,’ Lily said. ‘Don’t be,’ Sirius said, ‘I mean he wasn’t horrible or anything. I mean coming from my family he could’ve been a lot worse but I didn’t really know him or anything. We only met like twice.’ ‘So why the letter?’ Daisy asked. ‘It’s from his estate people,’ Sirius said, ‘he’s mentioned me in his will.’ ‘Seriously?!’ James said yanking the paper from him. Lily elbowed him but still scanned the letter as he did.

Dear Sirius,

I am writing this letter on behalf of my client Marius Perseus Black whom I regret to inform you has passed away. Before his passing, he made me the executor of his will and therefore it is my job to inform you that he has named you as a beneficiary. In order to fulfil his wishes I hereby invite you to a reading of his will. As I understand you are currently underage and a school student therefore I ask you to respond with the cooperation of your appointed guardian.

I offer my sincerest condolences. I expect to hear from you soon.

Yours Sincerely

J. M. Thicknesse

‘Bloody hell mate,’ James said handing it back. ‘What do you think he’s left you?’ Lily said. ‘I dunno,’ Sirius said, ‘I don’t really know him. My mother hated him so…’ ‘You don’t think they’ll be there? Do you?’ Daisy said quietly. ‘I don’t know,’ Sirius said throwing a glance toward the Slytherin table, ‘Regulus doesn’t seem to have gotten the same memo.’ ‘Maybe you’re the only person he liked,’ James chuckled. ‘Maybe,’ Sirius chuckled. ‘I’ll tell you one thing though,’ James said taking a bite of toast, ‘you better hope he left you something decent if you have to go through a meeting with Minnie to get it.’

✵✵✵ Daisy paced outside the wooden door. Sirius had been in McGonagall’s office for over half an hour and she was going stir-crazy. They’d spent all day speculating about what this will would bring and she was at the end of her tether. She needed to know. Or at least know the next phase. Eventually, she heard movement and the door clicked open allowing Sirius to step out. He closed it quietly behind him but as Daisy went to jump in he shook his head.

‘Not here,’ he said. She nodded and followed him down the corridor until they reached an empty classroom. After doing a quick sweep of the corridor to make sure no one was about they ducked inside and closed the door behind them.

‘What did she say?’ Daisy asked as she perched on a table. Sirius stood in between her legs, his hands on her thighs, as he looked at her. ‘Well, the meeting’s next Friday at 2pm,’ he said. ‘And?’ ‘And this Thicknesse guy will tell me everything when I get there,’ Sirius shrugged. ‘She doesn’t know what he’s left you?’ Daisy asked. ‘No but I don’t think she’s allowed to know though not through lack of trying’ Sirius chuckled, ‘she let slip that she got the letter last week and she’d been needling this poor bloke for as many details as she could get.’ ‘He must be the real deal if he didn’t cave to Minnie,’ Daisy giggled. ‘Yeah,’ Sirius smiled.

Suddenly a thought popped into Daisy’s head and she dropped her gaze as she mumbled, ‘does she know if your brother’s invited?’ ‘Yeah,’ Sirius said making her look up with worry, ‘I mean she knows. He’s not. None of them are. She told him it was a delicate situation and that I’d need a separate appointment.’ ‘Well, I suppose that’s good.’ ‘Yeah but that doesn't mean they’re not involved in the will,’ Sirius said. ‘Yeah but you don’t care what he’s left you right? I mean they can have whatever-’ ‘But if he’s left it to more than one of us I might have to see them. Like if it’s something big it’ll be all official and that,’ Sirius mumbled. ‘Well we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,’ Daisy said leaning up to press a tender kiss on his lips.

‘That’s the other thing,’ Sirius said. ‘What?’ ‘I asked McGonagall what was going to happen about the appointment…’ ‘And?’ Daisy asked nervously. ‘She said I could go without her.’ ‘She let you have a day off school? Unsupervised?!’ Daisy baulked, ‘is she okay?’ ‘Well she said I had to go with someone sensible,’ Sirius said. ‘So?’ Daisy said biting her lip. ‘So how would you like to accompany me to hear about some dead bloke’s stuff?’ Sirius chuckled. ‘Oh Mr Black you are such a romantic,’ Daisy chuckled. ‘Hey if you don’t want to I can always ask Remus,’ Sirius chuckled leaning in to kiss her. Her arms wrapped around his neck as he pulled her to him. She couldn’t help but feel a flutter between her legs as he stood between them kissing her passionately. When he pulled back the feeling got deeper as she saw his face. His grey eyes were sparkling in the low lamplight and his lips were more prominent from kissing her.

Then after a moment he smiled and said, ‘I love you y’know.’ ‘I love you too,’ Daisy said with a smile. ‘It’s a good job I knew that before I come into all my money huh?’ Sirius chuckled. ‘Oh definitely,’ Daisy giggled.