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alittlebitofsainz · 6 months

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a place in this world - ch1

a dream come true. you, a race engineer in formula one, having built your way up through the ranks. sure, the 2020 season hadn’t exactly gone the way that everyone had expected, but this was your chance, your moment to prove to the world of racing what you and your driver, carlos, were made of. but carlos isn’t staying at mclaren forever, and eventually, you’ll have a decision to make…

pairing: carlos sainz x f! reader. slow burn colleagues to friends to lovers (please, from my own experience, don’t follow this pipeline)

info: reader lives in the uk due to working at mclaren, and is somewhat implied to be british. it is also implied that they listen to bbc radio 2 and support leicester city football club. this may or may not be because these things are true of me and I wasn’t planning on publishing this, sorry!

warnings: cursing, a lil’ bit of angst, very infrequent use of y/n, one (1) google translated spanish sentence, a dry british writing style xoxo a/n: hello! welcome to a little passion project I never thought I’d share with the internet. this will eventually become a sort of ‘choose your own adventure’ type series, where you can make decisions about your career that can eventually lead you to different teams and drivers. will be posting a masterlist soon with more info so bare with me! any feedback / comments are always welcome

Masterlist | chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4

Chapter One: … Ready for It?

it had started out like any other wednesday. except it hadn’t, not really. the nature of your job meant that there was no ‘any other wednesday’. most wednesdays meant that you were jetting off to some new country, your wide eyed face in the window seat, reflecting back off the pane of glass separating you from the dancing lights of some exciting new city, 5,000 feet below. race engineer to mclaren-renault formula one driver number 55, carlos sainz, wasn’t exactly what you had listed as what you wanted to be when you grew up, but you were far from disappointed that that’s what your linkedin profile now read, a metaphorical middle finger to everyone who’d said you’d never amount to anything in motorsports.

but by all accounts it had been a relatively uneventful wednesday in your life, in fact even more so than usual compared to the early morning check ins at Stansted airport that you’d grown accustomed to. this week was silverstone, your home race, if race engineers could call it that, and that meant no early mornings, no check ins, no flights, no decanting your liquids into tiny bottles and zipping them into a plastic bag to take through security. this wednesday was a stop at sainsburys to fill up the tank of your vw polo with petrol, and an 80 mile drive west towards silverstone circuit. the most exciting part of your morning was getting stuck in half an hour of traffic on the m25; you didn’t even need the dulcet tones of Richie Anderson on radio 2 to tell you there’d be traffic at Potters Bar. as a native southerner, you could just feel it in your bones.

still, only fifteen minutes late to track wasn’t too bad, considering your lengthy journey, and you were by far the last member of the team to arrive. you would’ve been even less late, but for the fact that you’d sat for the best part of five minutes in your car, engine off, staring at the notification on your phone. there were so many questions running around in your head, first and foremost of which was why on earth did dan from engineering have your number? but the second question, which was possibly the more important one, was why did carlos ask him for it? he said that it ‘might be useful to contact each other.’ if the current expression on your face could be summed up in a noise, it would be a very confused and very emphatic ‘huh?’.

sure, you and carlos interacted a lot during race weekends, that much was a given. you were forever catching up to discuss data, strategies, the car setup, the sandwich options at the hospitality, why the leicester city football team would beat real madrid in a fist fight. so okay, your conversations weren’t allstrictly work related, and you could’t deny that the two of you got on well and seemed to really understand each other, but that was all part of being a driver and race engineer duo; you had to be on the same wavelength. it was non-negotiable. but swapping phone numbers? you couldn’t imagine why the two of you would need to text or call each outside of work hours, and you had work phones for that. which led you to your third and fourth questions: number three, why did you suddenly feel so nervous and giddy with excitement when you re-read his message for the seventh time? (question three point five was why did you re-read his message seven times?) and number four, what the hell were you supposed to message back in reply?

you typed in a thumbs up emoji and then immediately deleted it. how fucking old were you, 65? what next, start talking to him about the cold war? no, you had to keep it fun and casual, not too overfamiliar but not too weirdly distant and cold. god, why was this so difficult? you felt like a schoolgirl with a teenage crush, constantly typing various replies and deleting them again, letter by letter. eventually you settled on a cool, calm and collected response, typing it out and shoving your phone into your pocket before you had time to overanalyse what you’d just sent. quickly gathering up your stuff from the boot of your car, you spammed the lock button on your car keys, just in case the first five times didn’t stick, and trotted off towards the entrance to the paddock.

as it was approaching the hour mark since he’d sent his text, carlos had been starting to worry that he’d overstepped an unwritten boundary. why had he even asked dan from engineering for her number in the first place? it just felt like something that he should have. lando had will’s number, he’d already asked him that. but once he’d sent the message he realised that he couldn’t really come up with an excuse as to why he’d needed it, why he couldn’t have waited until he’d seen her this weekend and ask for her number from herself. like a normal person. deep down he knew why, though he was in some sort of state of denial about it, and it was the same reason that he hadn’t asked for her number two weeks ago in Hungary, or at the previous race in Austria, or when he’d first met her at the start of the season.

he breathed a sigh of relief when her reply came through, 57 minutes after he’d sent his message. well, the first one that is. the second message came two minutes after the first; god, he couldn’t believe he’d been stupid enough to forget to include who he was at the end of the text the first time around.

but it didn’t matter now, because she’d replied, and her words on the screen made him smile to himself, her voice in his head as he read them through three, now four times over. his fingers hovered over the keypad, contemplating a reply. he checked the time - it wouldn’t be long until she arrived at track anyway and they could chat in person, so he closed the messages app on his phone and tucked it away in his pocket, deciding against committing any words to the everlasting aether which was the iPhone messages app.

it was nearing the end of a lengthy strategy department meeting when your phone went off, a few pair of eyes glancing your way as you apologised profusely, eyes scanning over the text before sheepishly putting your phone on do not disturb and placing it back on the table face down. shit, this meeting wouldn’t be finished for another ten minutes at least, and by that time all the bacon and brie toasties would be gone (everyone knew they were the best lunch option). worse still, you hated the fact that you had to leave carlos hanging; pausing the strategy meeting to send off a quick text was equivalent to a cardinal sin, even if it was to carlos sainz. your eyes were flicking increasingly often down to the time on your laptop, the seconds crawling by as the time approached one o’clock. it felt like whichever godlike entity governed the laws of time was toying with you; surely it wasn’t possible for time to move this slowly? the head of strategy wrapped the meeting at 13:04, and you were out of your seat like a rocket.

amy, one of the strategists, fell into step beside you as you paced it down the corridor.

“you’ve heard about the brie and bacon being back on?” she asked; you only had to reply with a grin to give her the answer that she needed. she eyed you up, as much as anyone power walking down a busy corridor could whilst still maintaining maximum straight line speed.

“everyone from strategy and engineering has been in meetings. so who’s your source?” came her second question. you picked up your pace, under the guise of trying to get to the canteen quicker.

she had a habit of taking just enough time to respond to carlos’ messages to keep him guessing whether she actually would respond at all. it wasn’t entirely her fault, carlos realised; she’d apologised for earlier, explaining that she was busy driving. of course she was, how could he be such an idiot? maybe a part of him was hoping that she’d been acting coy, teasing him by waiting, purposefully trying to keep him on the edge of his seat.

carlos saw her enter the canteen, watched with a small, self satisfied smirk as her face fell, the rattan shelf where the brie and bacon toasties had been, now depressingly empty. he left it just long enough so that she was forced to consider which disappointing option to go for instead, before finally calling her over.

“Y/N!” carlos called, watching as her head whipped round, and he had to stifle a laugh at her confusion. he waved her over.

“sorry, I was stuck in a meeting.” she sighed, her voice slightly breathless. had she ran here? he fought back the urge to tease her about it, shaking his head slightly.

“don’t worry about it.” he replied, gesturing to the seat beside him as he spoke. her eyes lit up when her gaze fell on the plate on the table, in just the way he’d pictured in his head. god, he’d never get over the way the simple things pleased her, and he didn’t mean that in a bad way. over the past couple of months that he’d known her, carlos had learned that the little things really mattered, in a way that was almost rare in this environment. she looked upon a brie and bacon sandwich like it was the sun that shined, and if she’d have looked up at carlos in that moment, she’d have seen that he was looking at her in the exact same way.

“is that for me?”

“no.” carlos replied, deadpan. she shot him a look, her face screwed up in a pout that he’d grown more accustomed to the more he teased her like this. eventually he let out a soft chuckle, as a way to say I’m only joking, of course it’s for you, and she sat down in the seat next to him with a playful scowl, which only caused him to laugh more.

“thanks, carlos. you’re the best.” she told him through a mouthful of brie, bacon and toasted bread.

“I know.” he replied, a cheeky grin dancing across his face. “it was the last one as well.”

“amy’s gonna be pissed.” she giggled, glancing over her shoulder to watch as her colleague was forced to settle for regular ham and cheese.

a podium finish to p13. was it worse to fail because of your own shortcomings or because of something that was out of your control? if you’d asked carlos sainz right now, he would think about it for a moment, and then tell you to vete a la mierda.*

his phone screen lighting up in the darkness was the only thing that brought his attention to how dark it had become in his hotel room. christ, how long had he been sat there, staring at the wall, trying to process how frustrated and angry and upset he was? he’d put his phone on silent, tired of all the commiseratory messages that had been coming through, but apparently his bedtime reminder didn’t obey the laws of do not disturb. sighing, he unlocked the device, and quickly scanned down the many notifications he had been ignoring for the past few hours. one stood out above all the rest, because of course it did. he felt guilt clutch him as he noticed the message from well over an hour ago. from her.not only guilty at the fact that he’d not seen her message, but for some reason guilty for perceiving that he’d let her down at her home race. it was stupid, he knew, to feel that way - it wasn’t his fault that his tyre had blown out with just a few laps to go, but he knew how excited she’d been for her first ever british gp, and it had all ended in disappointment. his fingers hovered over the keyboard at the bottom of his phone for a moment, a million different emotions whizzing round in his head, bouncing off the sides like a demented pinball machine. no wonder he had a headache. he drew in a sharp breath before typing out his reply.

*I’m hoping this means somewhat akin to ‘fuck off’

you’d almost forgotten that you’d sent carlos sainz a message of commiseration, which was shocking considering how long you’d been deliberating over it only a mere hour ago. you were back in your own bed in your hometown, seeing no need to stick around seeing as there would be no celebrations this weekend, and carlos had disappeared as soon as the team debrief had ended, making it very clear that he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. which made it all the more surprising when you leaned over to your bedside table, bleary eyes blinking back sleep as your vision adjusted to the pitch black of your room, to pick up the phone which had woken you from your sleep.

your eyes blinked again against the harsh light of the phone, taking a moment to focus on the big bold numbers on your lockscreen. 01:03? who was texting you at this time? eyebrows knitted together in an increasingly deep frown, you scanned carlos’ message. as was becoming customary, you read it several times over, this time to check whether you’d read it right. why would he want to ring you, at this time of night as well? your mind started to reach for wild possibilities - was he in trouble? hurt? worse?

before he changed his mind, carlos hit the telephone symbol next to her contact details.

“Carlos, are you okay?” her voice came through almost immediately, sounding equal parts panicked yet somehow sleepy. shit, not only had he caused her to worry, he’d probably just woken her up in the middle of the night as well. what kind of dickhead rings a colleague that he’s only known for a few months at 1am? he cleared his throat.

“fuck, sorry, I woke you up.”

“don’t worry about it, I was awake.” she replied. a blatant lie, but carlos appreciated the attempt to make him feel better.

“can I help you with something?” she continued, still sounding concerned. he shook his head even though she couldn’t see.

“yes, no. fuck, I don’t know.” he growled at himself for being so confused, so confusing, for not even really knowing why he’d called her. was he going insane, or did he just hear a soft sigh on the other end of the line? he squeezed his eyes shut, collecting himself to try again, but she beat him to it.

“I’m sorry about today, carlos, it must be tough to deal with.”

sometimes it felt like she knew him better than he knew himself. he dragged a hand down his face.

“yeah, I’m- it’s not great.” he stumbled over his words slightly, his voice catching in his throat. usually he’d be reluctant to show this vulnerability, embarrassed even, but something about the late hour combined with how oh-so-soft her voice was… it made him forget his pride for just that moment.

“I can’t stop thinking about it.” he admitted, feeling a ramble coming on but equally feeling powerless to stop it. “I know that it was a problem with the tyre, I know that it wasn’t my fault, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. and then there’s always a part of me that wonders whether there was anything that I could’ve done. like, maybe if I’d driven less aggressively or something, or changed the way I braked around a certain corner. I still feel like I’ve let myself down, let the team down, let you dow-“

“you didn’t let me down, carlos.” her abrupt reply broke him from his monologue, stopping him in his tracks and allowing him to fill his lungs with air, not realising how out of breath he was becoming with his run-on sentences.

“what?” came his soft reply. he’d heard perfectly clearly what she’d said the first time. but a part of him needed to hear it again.

“you didn’t let me down, carlos.” she repeated, with the same clarity, the same sincerity, the same low tone that he’d never heard from her before that made her sound so wise beyond her years.

“you didn’t let anyone down. this wasn’t your fault. I know it doesn’t make it any less frustrating or easier to deal with - there’s nothing I can say that will change that. but please, please don’t blame yourself for any part of it.”

there was silence on both ends for a moment, before carlos let out a long sigh.

“I- yeah, I guess you’re right.” there was something still on his mind, something that one am carlosknew that one pm carlos would never want to talk about, least of all burden his race engineer with it. but that was all the more reason to say it now.

“I just feel so much pressure to perform, now that I have the ferrari contract.” his voice dropped even lower as he spoke, as if whispering it quietly enough could make it not be true. “I feel like I have to earn my place there, you know?”

“carlos, you were P-fucking-3.”

something about the way she stressed the syllables made carlos chuckle despite himself, and from the way she let out a small giggle on the other end of the phone, he guessed that that had been her intention all along.

“anyone can see that you’ve earned that seat at ferrari. you’ve proved that time and time again already. this isn’t about anyone else, this is about you, and what you believe you deserve. the only person you need to convince is yourself.”

carlos chuckled again, feeling some sort of playful nature already coming back to him. maybe he’d finally figured out why he wanted to call her in the middle of the night, maybe it was even the reason he wanted her number in the first place. maybe it was because he knew that no matter how crappy he was feeling, talking to her always seemed to turn the day around. she always seemed to make him smile.

“very inspirational.” he replied, his tone almost teasing over her ‘believing in yourself’ speech. the corners of his lips curved upwards as he could practically hear her rolling her eyes on the other end.

“this is what I get for trying to be nice.” she muttered, but her tone was light, reciprocating the teasing. carlos smiled, his first genuine smile in several hours. probably since the last time he’d seen her.

“thank you, really. talking to you it… it always puts me in a better mood.” carlos confessed, glad that this was a phone call so she couldn’t see the way his cheeks lit up a soft shade of pink.

“anytime, carlos.”

when they eventually hung up the call, carlos felt lighter than he had in weeks, like she’d melted all his problems away with her soft voice and warm heart. he slept easy that night. meanwhile, she was now wide awake.

you groaned when the sound of your phone pinging dragged you from your admittedly tumultuous sleep. it had been difficult to drift off again after that call with carlos, a million thoughts buzzing around your brain like a swarm of bees on cocaine. you felt bad for carlos, sure, but that wasn’t enough to keep you awake on its own. there was another feeling there; if you were to flip through an oxford english dictionary until you found a word that summed it up you might settle for ‘intrigued’.

you were intrigued that carlos that had decided to ring you of all people last night; surely he had family, or at the very least close friends, that he would rather turn to? but you were also intrigued by your own reaction - why were you feeling so warm and fuzzy that carlos had chosen you, the knowledge that when he was feeling low you were the one he wanted to hear on the other end of the line creating some sort of feeling in your heart, like someone was squeezing it not-quite-too tightly?

it was these questions, and an incessant amount of bin lorries driving past at 5am, that kept you from falling back asleep, and were the reason that you were grumbling now, as you reached over to pick up your phone. the grumbling ceased the moment you read the message and saw who it was from, replaced by a softly murmured ‘oh’, and that strange feeling in your chest again.

as always feedback and comments are welcomed with massive appreciation and open arms! a second part is written and will be out soonish! much love, Katie x

#f1 x reader #f1 x you #f1 x y/n #f1 x female reader #carlos sainz #carlos sainz x reader #carlos sainz x you #carlos sainz x y/n #f1 fic #f1 imagine

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writersblog20 · 2 years

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Comfort person

Pedro Pascal x reader

Summary: Today was not a good day, completely the opposite actually but yet in all your horrible days, Pedro seemed to stick by your side, not helping the case with your on going crush on the daddy of the internet but when nightmares took over your night, you saw no other option than to knock on Pedro’s door for comfort.

Warnings: mention of death of a loved one (godfather in this case), mention of sleeping pills, mention of anxiety, mention of a panic attack, nightmares, You being the rock of the family, heated kiss and a lot of fluff

Words: 3,4K

A/N: repost because Tumblr decided to be a little bitch and test my last goddamn nerve💀

Comfort person

You and Pedro became close friends when you met at a friends party. You both hit it off great and well you had a crush at the older man before you even met him but now…. God you were completely in love and there was no stopping it. Never ever, did you think Pedro liked you back in that same way. I mean, he was a bit older, had more experience in well, everything in live and you didn’t. Yeah you had an old soul and been through a whole lot of shit which made you mentally, a bit older and you’ve never really acted your age but still.

Pedro was shooting the last of us and stayed over at your place since it was closer to work and he didn’t have to stay in a hotel. You didn’t have to think twice when you offered up a room in your cozy, little home but you did not thought this through. You were seeing Pedro a lot, obviously but that didn’t help your case called: Being utterly in love with the daddy of the internet. For the love of god why did you think this was going to be a good idea?

Today was a tough day. Well make it a though 3 weeks at this point because what the fuck?! You had trouble with your teacher, exams, and a whole lot of last minute changes because your teachers couldn’t communicate and a whole lot more but you get the deal. You were stressed, frustrated and exhausted and to top it all off, today marked the 2 year anniversary of your godfathers dead. You never had a father but when he became your godfather, he tried to fix everything your father had ruined and broken. He was the closest thing you had to a father and now he was gone. He had spent 2 years being your godfather and you whished you had more time with him.

So you came home from your studies, Pedro in the kitchen getting dinner ready when you walked in. He looked at you and the moment he saw you, a big smile appeared on his face. “Hey sweetheart” Pedro greeted you with a lot of joy but could see that you were going through a rough day. He opened his arms up for you and pulled you in a hug, which you gladly accepted, wrapping your arms around his waist, holding his pink sweater tightly while your rested your head against his chest. Pedro placed his hand on your head for comfort and pulled you closer to his body as he placed a kiss on your head.

“Tough day huh?” he murmured in your hair, making you nod. “You’re here now sweetheart. This day is almost over and in two days, you have a break and we’ll only do fun things and rest. I promise you.” you felt comforted by Pedro’s words as usual. Pedro always was able to comfort you like no one else could. Like everything would be okay as long as he was around. Pedro let you hold him as long as you needed to. You could feel him move while you clanged to him. You heard some glasses clink together and you assumed he was opening up a wine bottle.

One arm was still around you, holding you against his body and the other was trying to pour the wine in the glasses. You chuckled a little at the struggle Pedro was having with the wine while he didn’t want to let go off you. You got out of the hug making Pedro frown a bit but smiled while he saw you chuckle.

He handed you the wine glass with a generous amount of wine in it. “I have to go to my family tonight.” You mentioned and Pedro leaned against the kitchen counter with a sad look in his eyes. “I’ll go with you, sweetheart.” You felt your heart fill up with love and comfort but shook your head. “You don’t have to do that P.” this time it was Pedro’s turn to shake his head. “No, I want to. I want to be there for you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.” He told you and pushed his body off the counter and walked to you as he wrapped his arms around you again. “Thank you, P.” Pedro kissed your head in response.

~Time skip~

After dinner you quickly changed and went with Pedro to your family. You knew that it was going to be tough because your godmother had a very tough time and you promised your godfather that if the time would come that you would take care of them. You just didn’t know the time would come so soon but you kept your promise to him. So you straightened your back, took a deep breath, pushed your emotions aside for a moment and walked in. It wasn’t the first time that your godmother broke down in front of you and her daughter. It was tough because you felt torn apart by the pain but you promised to be strong for them. To be that shoulder and rock but it was tough. So today was no difference. Pedro watched you bubble up all the emotions while your godmother clang to you.

Pedro could feel the weight on your shoulders and the pain in your heart as it chocked him up. He could see the tears gathering in your eyes but being pushed away so you could be the strong one of the family.

Once you were in the car, it was silent. Pedro didn’t know what to say so he just held your hand while he drove off. You were always quite after something like this. IT just drained all your energy and you felt shitty as fuck to say the least. You couldn’t wait to get home, take a sleeping pill, relax and go to bed early so you wouldn’t have to deal with this day anymore.

You and Pedro walked through the front door and you made your way in the kitchen to make some tea and take your meds. Pedro followed behind you softly. “Thank you for coming with me P.” Pedro smiled softly but sadness lingered over his features. “Always sweetheart.” Pedro slowly walked up to you and pulled you in a hug. “Let me take care of you how you took care of them now. You did great but it’s okay now. You don’t have to be strong anymore princess.” You were too exhausted to even cry while the weight on your heart grew stronger. “it’s not healthy bubbling it up like this, mi amada”

“I know. I’m just exhausted right now.” You told him tiredly. Pedro cupped your cheeks lovingly and looked at you. Softness glazed over his eyes and features. “I can imagine sweetheart.” He told you before placing a long, lingering kiss on your forehead. You let out a sigh. “Can we watch a movie?” you asked Pedro who smiled lovingly at you. “We can do whatever you want to, mi corazon.”

Pedro made the tea while you took your meds. You quickly run upstairs to get in the most comfortable outfit ever. You had a very, like very big fluffy sweater type thing and it was great to hide in it, so it was perfect for now. You walked downstairs, seeing Pedro already on the couch. Pedro smiled as he saw you in the fluffy sweater. A look like his heart was going to burst from cuteness.

You plopped on the couch next to Pedro, who had his arm resting on the leaning of the couch so you leaned as close against Pedro’s side. He handed you the remote and you chose a movie. Pedro went with his fingertips over your sculp, comforting you. As time went by, you leaned more and more against Pedro before deciding to rest your head on his lap. Pedro’s attention went to you as you got away from his side. He looked at what you were planning to do and the moment he saw you laying down on his lap, his heart filled itself with so much love that he thought he was going to lose it. He grabbed a blanket that was behind him and placed it over your body. His hand resting on your arm and softly rubbed your arm while the other was still in your hair, massaging your scalp.

You didn’t remember when your eyes closed but you woke up by the slight shift from Pedro. You opened your eyes and saw that Pedro was looking at you. “I’m sorry I woke you up princess. I wasn’t sure if you were sleeping or not.” Pedro told you softly as he went over your hair. You let out a groan as you sat up, your neck and back hurting.

Pedro’s hand was on your back softly rubbing it. “It’s okay, I should go to bed anyways.” You told him with a tired smile. Pedro kissed the top of your head. “Goodnight sweetheart. And you know it! if there’s something, anything at all, you come to me and wake me up alright mama?” he told you a bit stern but still with love. You smiled at his caring side that you loved so much and not to forget about the nickname. “I promise. Goodnight P.” you told him as you stood up. “Goodnight princessa.”

You got upstairs and freshened up. You wore some shorts, a shirt from Pedro that you might’ve stolen or not and laid down in bed You scrolled a bit through your phone, watching some Youtube videos and just like before, you didn’t know when your eyes closed as you fell into a deep sleep.

Pedro tried to walk silently upstairs until he saw some light from underneath your door. He frowned a bit, worried that you couldn’t sleep or that you felt bad after today so he softly knocked on your door but didn’t hear a response from you. So he tried again “Sweetheart? You up?” he asked you but not too hard for if you were in fact asleep, that you wouldn’t wake up. Pedro carefully opened your door slightly and peeked inside, seeing you completely knocked out with your headphones in, Youtube still playing in the background and your lamp besides your bed table still on. He smiled lovingly and walked inside of your room, very carefully taking your headphones out of your ears and placed them on the bedtable. He took your phone and put it in the charger besides your earphones. He got the covers, pulling them up a bit and softly tucked you in. He kissed your head and put your light out and silently walked out of your room, closing the door carefully behind him.

~time skip~

You woke up, half in a panic as you looked around you confused. You had a terrible, really horrible nightmare. You didn’t remember putting your nightlight out or putting your phone away etc. It clicked in your head that it must’ve been Pedro, making you smile in yourself. You really wanted to go to him and let him hold you, protect you from anymore nightmares if they’d come back. You felt your heart thumping against your chest as you fell back down with a sigh as you rubbed your face. You stared at your ceiling until you had enough and got out of bed. Your muscles ached, probably from tensing them so much in your sleep.

You groaned, getting up. All of a sudden, fear and anxiety started engulfing you and before there could be a panic attack, you quickly exited your room. Your feet softly shuffling at your wooden floor as you got closer to Pedro’s door. You know what he said but still something inside of you, really did not want to wake him up but you knew that if you didn’t, you would have a full blown panic attack. Besides, Pedro would whoop your ass if he found out and that you didn’t wake him. You softly knocked on his door and unknowingly held your breath. You didn’t hear anything and you didn’t really know what to do so you carefully opened the door.

Pedro laid on his side with his back to the door. “P?” you whispered as not to startle him but loud enough to wake you. He stirred a bit in his sleep and turned on his other side, now facing you but didn’t fully wake up so you tried again. “P?” but still no reaction. You shifted on your feet, getting nervous and not knowing what to do next. You looked at the empty side of the bed. Fuck it, you cursed out in your head and softly walked to the empty side of the bed.

You held out the covers slightly and got in next to him. Pedro opened his eyes from the sudden movement on his bed. He saw that you were wearing his shirt and he got a grin on his face. “I was looking for that shirt.” Pedro said, his voice raspy from sleep. You quickly looked at Pedro. “I’m sorry.” You said sheepishly, seeing the smirk on Pedro’s face, made you feel flustered yet relieved that he found it amusing. You laid down on your side, facing Pedro. You both stared at each other for a moment.

“You okay?” he asked you in a whisper. The love that coated those two words and his big brown cow eyes made your heart skip a couple of beats. “Had a bad nightmare.” Pedro nodded and gave you a sad smile. “I’m glad you came to me.” you felt flustered and shy but proudness also washed over you while you couldn’t do anything to hide the shy smile that covered your face. “Come here sweetheart.” He told you and opened the covers more so you could move towards him, which you gladly did. Your body was tightly against his, your arm tucked underneath your chin, like those dinosaur hands while Pedro’s arms were tightly wrapped around you. Your head was tucked underneath his chin and for the first time, in like forever you felt genuinely safe and secure.

You held the shirt that he was wearing, tightly in your hands, making a fist. The way Pedro’s hands softly rubbed your back and held your head, made the butterflies multiple in your stomach. “Try to get some more sleep, mi corazol. I’ll be right here.” He whispered in your ear. You already had your eyes closed, completely relaxing underneath his touch. You moved a bit, trying to get even closer to Pedro. You listened to his heartbeat and heard it thumping violently against his chest. You slowly opened your eyes and looked up at Pedro, making him look at you as well.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” he finally asked when he saw your awaiting look, making him confused. His eyebrows knitted a bit together, trying to read your mind. You shook your head softly and wanted to rest your head again but Pedro put his finger underneath your chin, making you look up at him. “You know you can tell me right?” he asked you softly again. You nodded and played with his shirt that he wore. “It’s just, your heart is beating very fast.” You tried to say as softly as you could, hoping that he didn’t hear you but he did.

Pedro chuckled nervously. “Eh yeah… You kind off have that effect on me…” this time his voice was in a whisper. You looked up real quick and you felt his heart absolutely going insane underneath your touch. You were so starstruck, your body moving on its own right now. You got his hand and placed it on your shirt, exactly where your heart was. It was beating just as fast as his, if not faster. His hand was flat on your chest with your hand above his and now you saw how big his hand was. “You kinda have that effect on me as well.” you whispered, scared that if you spoke too loud that you would break the intimate moment.

Pedro’s hand that rested on your chest slowly went up to your neck, towards your cheek, letting it rest there. His thumb softly rubbing on your soft skin. “Are you sure?” he asked you, not sure if you were on the same page. “Very much so.” Pedro softly nodded and lowered his head so he could rest his forehead against yours. Both of your breaths shaky right now from the close proximity. You placed your hand on his again and held it, bringing it to your lips, softly kissing his hand. Pedro was in a complete trance, completely focused on you and his hand.

You let go of his hand and went through his bed hair and let your hand rest on his cheek, your palm tickling from his stubbles. Pedro’s eyes big, intently looking at you before he rested his forehead against yours again. He carefully wrapped his hand around your wrist that still cupped his cheek. You heard Pedro let out a shaky breath “Fuck” he cursed out and placed his lips against yours. You knew it was going to happen sooner or later but it still took you by surprise. Your heart almost beating out of your chest when you felt his tongue against your lips.

Both of your breath still shaky as you let him take control. He rolled you on your back and carefully laid his weight down on you as he continued kissing you. Your hands went though his hair, tucking it a bit. Pedro rested his hand on your hip and the other on your cheek again. You took his shirt in your hand again and pulled him more down on you. The kiss started to slow down and Pedro pecked your lips before pulling back, his thumb softly rubbing on your cheek. “I really do like you, mi amor.” He told you as you looked into each other’s eyes. This time you wrapped your small hand around his wrist. You turned your head towards his hand and softly placed a kiss on his wrist. “I really, really like you too P. I’m… I’m actually in love with you.” you admitted, feeling completely flustered, shy and nervous.

Pedro got a wide smile. “Good, cause I am too.” He told you and kissed you again passionately. You felt Pedro sigh in the kiss and so did you. He broke away again before it could get too heated. Not that he didn’t want to, but everything on its own time and god did he wanted to take his time with you.

Pedro kissed your nose, cheek and forehead before he laid down on his back. You scooped closer to him when he held out his arm for you to lay in. Nothing else was said, it wasn’t necessary either as you just cuddled with each other. Pedro kept cuddling you until you finally fell into a peaceful sleep. He made sure that you fell asleep first before he would even think about closing his own. But he didn’t want to sleep, he just wanted to stay in this exact moment and watch over you but he was bound to lose that fight eventually and he fell asleep, just like you in a peaceful sleep.

There was only one reason why you finally fell asleep peacefully and that was because of Pedro. No one, ever had made you feel this safe and secure in your entire life. Not even your mom was able to do so but Pedro…? He just did it, he had that effect on you and that’s how you knew he was the one.

#pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal fluff #pedro pascal x ofc #pedro pascal x female reader #pedro pascal x y/n #pedro pascal x female original character #pedro pascal is daddy #pedro pascal imagines #pedro pascal oneshot #pedro pascal fic

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 3 months

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There's this long-standing theory i've held that its way easier for me to get an accurate psychic/energetic reading on someone via the internet than it is irl

For me i think it's like...irl i have a tendency to get sucked into people in a way where in that moment i always really want to see the best in them , when i spend a lot of time around someone irl i tend to get more and more delusional about them ? Hence why i been in a lot of rancid relationships with people who get away with lying to my face on a daily basis. My boundaries i struggle with irl

But online there is an automatic boundary enforced by the structure of it, which actually lends itself favorably to getting a more objective reading of somone i think ? because i believe energy transcends time/space but when the person isnt standing right in front of you its just. clearer. Less muddled with ur own energy

And i also believe this to be true due to my own experiences just like. being an extremely online person for most of my life the amount of times ive had these RANDOM ass hunches about ppl that end up being proven correct in the coming days/months/years, like stuff that had nothing to do with me or their relation to me just weird shit that enters my mind lol.. i always brush it off too like Huh that was odd. Anyways. Then a month later its like OH?????

its just a reoccuring thing ive noticed. That being said i still take my random uninvited thoughts with a grain of salt .. I just wanted to express this theory like does anyone else get this?

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ikemen-translations · 7 months

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Morganatic Idol Prologue 1/10

Just as each star shines differently, each person has a different charm.

I believe that everyone has their own brilliance.

However... sometimes there are stars that emit light many times more intense.

The sparkle is so intense and dazzling...

The light is so strong that it blurs the surrounding stars, attracting everyone, making them yearn for something... and sometimes even giving them the courage to live.

I never knew that there were such overwhelmingly beautiful stars until I met them.

This is my Cinderella Story, guided by those dazzling stars...

Office

The sound of someone typing on a keyboard echoes in the noisy office

(I think this is fine)

After I finished entering the data, I let out a sigh.

(All you have to do is check it and submit it, and all your morning work is done)

Eiko Mori: Mr. Kawanaga, have you done what I asked you to do?

MC: Ah, Mori-san. Yes, please check it

Mori: Then next time, please hurry up more and give me a copy of the document

Interrupting my words, Mori-san quickly placed a stack of materials on the desk

MC: "Oh, I understand..."

I sigh softly as I listen her leaving with the sound of heels clicking.

(Additional work, huh? It can't be helped. let's hurry and get it done!)

This is Aegis Public Holdings, a company located in Tokyo.

It's a major advertising agency that handles a wide range of advertising on TV, magazines, internet, etc.

The department that produces advertisements is the Create Division, I work here as a temporary employee

When I was looking for a job, I went to the final interview at Aegis and unfortunately failed.

(I was really disappointed at that time. Fortunately I was able to get a job offer in another industry...)

I had always dreamed of becoming an advertising planner, and I just couldn't give up on working for Aegis.

That's why I chose to become a temporary employee

(When I think about that, I can't keep whining)

(I've always admired Aegis for a long time. And being able to work in the Create Division is an amazing thing in itself)

Lunch break

As i walked through a nearby park with my lunch in hand, I remembered the materials I had copied earlier.

(If I remember correctly, that was a commercial for drinking water that Mr. Mori worked on)

(That's amazing... I want to do someting big like that someday)

Mr. Mori is a full-time employee and the leader of the team I belong to. She is said to be the ace of the department.

The other employees are all people who have built up their careers through their upbringing.

(Everyone is doing a good job, looks stylish, and is full of confidence)

It's so sparkly and dazzling... I still don't have that kind of confidence...

(I mainly work as an assistant, and I don't have enough experience to be involved in the main work...)

Even in eating lunch , the difference is obvious... I make my own lunch to save money but the full-time employees get a special lunch from a fancy restaurant

(... No, no, no... The bento that I took so much effort to make won't taste as good but It's ok)

I Shake my head to get rid of the dark feeling

(I got into Aegis anyway, so now I'll work steadily and gain solid experience)

And... someday, I want to be promoted to a full-time position, create wonderful advertisements and give dreams to others

Just as I was once encouraged by an advertisement I saw when I was feeling down... that is my dream

(Okey, let's do our best this afternoon too!)

Office

(What is it? It's kind of noisy)

Manager: Everyone, listen please! The sales department has just landed an incredibly large project!

The section manager looks excited and speaks in front of everyone

Manager: It's a commercial for a new perfume from the major French brand "Esance"!

Manager: This product will be rolled out worldwide, and of course the commercial will be aired all over the world!

MC: The whole world!?

(Amazing! But why did such a worldwide project go to a Japanese agency?)

Manager: Actually, this time, Ezans has specified the image character to be used in the commercial

Manager: Exe Creed!

At that moment, the screams of female employees rang out

Exe Creed is a Japanese male idol group that is popular all over the world

Their strength lies in self-production, from song writing, composition and choreography to costume design and stage direction

With their outstanding singing and dancing, they quickly exploded in popularity as soon as they were formed and rose to the top

Their momentum is not limited to Japan, but they are a global group that has topped the American hit charts

(Even I, who don't know anything about idols, know about it)

There is not a day that goes by that I don't see them in the media and I hear that they have many passionate fans all over the world

(I see... The reason Ezans entrusted the commercial to Japan was to use Exe Creed)

(But up until now, famous Hollywood actresses have always done the commercials for Ezans)

(Japanese idol... and It's outrageous that a man is nominated...!?)

Apparently, the advertising agency that will handle this project will be decided through a competition between multiple companies

Manager: We will definitely win, we are putting the prestige of our company on the line!

The enthusiastic manager said something even more surprising

Since the person chosen was a world-famous idol we asked for a wider rang of opinions but in the end, all employees seem to be able to come up with plans, regardless of department or position

(This is a great opportunity! Even as a temporary worker, I might be able to be involved in creating advertisements from the planning stage...!)

My heart pounded violently. The feeling of "I want to try it" overflows

Female employee 1: If I'm selected does that mean I will be able to meet the Exes?

Female employee 2: I'll do it!

Mori: It's amazing that It's on a global scale and It's with Exes, I can't miss it!

While the office is buzzing with excitement, a fire is burning inside my heart. I was thinking of a plan, and I started to feel anxious.

I'll show them what I can do!

(Let's do it. I'll think of a plan and I'll definitely grab this chance!)

#morganatic idol #ikemen series #cybird #translation #morganatic idol prologue

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st4rving-sunfl0wer · 9 days

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𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖙

the same pretext as usual applies: no intended audience, purely just the sound of my heart shattering reverberating in the echo chamber that is my corner of the internet.

one month. 1:34am.

𝖙𝖜 𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖍, 𝖘𝖚!𝖈!𝖉𝖆𝖑 !𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

✧☾𖤓

it's been exactly a month since you walked away from me for good. four weeks, twenty eight days, six hundred and seventy two hours. every one of which i've thought of you. every one of which i've missed you. every one of which i hated myself with such unfathomable depth because i was stupid enough to lose you. have you thought about me? i doubt it.

i've held onto hope for longer than i should have. the first two times you left me, we found our way back to each other. you promised that you still wanted to be my friend, that you still loved me, that you still wanted me in your life. is that why you blocked me the first time? why you ghosted me the second time? why you, out of the blue, sent those words that singlehandedly tore my heart out of my chest this third and final time? i'm so sick of your lies and empty promises. and yet i still, like a doomed man praying for mercy, dared to hold hope that we might find our way to each other again this time. pretty pathetic, huh? it was stupid of me. almost as stupid as trusting you when you told me you wouldn't leave me.

despite your continual game of pulling me close and shoving me away again, i've finally grasped the point.

you don't love me. not anymore. and maybe you never did at all.

i know you never loved me the way i loved you. that much was clear when you didn't reciprocate the love i k!lled myself to give you. but i thought you at least cared about me, loved me in whatever shallow way you thought was the same as me giving you my heart and soul. someone who loved me the way they said they did couldn't have hurt me like this. i never could've walked away from you like that; it would have k!lled me. it is k!lling me, even though i'm not the one who ended things, who chose to shatter the remains of us. does it even bother you that "us" wasn't the only casualty of what you did? losing you k!lled me; i'm dēād inside. i'm dyıng slowly, now, seeking out any and every way to hurt myself. stārvıng, cūttıng, pushing myself until i break; none of it hurts enough, not like i deserve. it will only be a matter of time before i become too exhausted and choose to shorten the road to dēāth.

i understood this week that you really want nothing to do with me this time. once, you were always there when i needed you. no matter what you had going on, you made me a priority when i needed your presence, your words. this past week, i got to experience the pain of losing you all over again when i, drunk and drowning in myself, made the stupid decision to unblock you. your response to my desperate cry for an answer was as simple and clear as it could be: you gave none. you ignored me. are ignoring me. and fuck, that poured salt directly into the wound of my agony. what happened to the promise that you'd always be there for me? i feel so goddamned stupid for ever believing any of your empty promises.

"i pinky promise i won't leave you."

"i love you."

"we can have one day together."

"through it all."

it makes me sick to think of how you've broken nearly every promise you'd ever made me.

as time goes on, i'm becoming angrier. at you, at the world, but, most of all, at myself.

fuck you.

(i will always love you.)

✧☾𖤓

#st4rving sunfl0wer

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archiveikemen · 5 months

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Morganatic Idol Prologue: Chapter 1

This is a fan-made translation solely for entertainment purposes with no guaranteed perfection; expect mistakes, grammatical errors, and some creative liberties. All original content and media used belongs to Cybird. Please support the game by buying their stories and playing their games. Reblogs appreciated.

Read this before interacting

Ever since my childhood, I loved looking up at the stars.

The tiny yet comforting twinkling of the stars resembled the different people living in this world.

Gentle, powerful, glamorous.

Just like how stars have different kinds of light, everyone has a different kind of personal charm unique to themselves.

I believed that everyone shines in their own way.

But… amongst them, there will be one who shines much brighter.

With overwhelmingly dazzling light…

A light so bright that it outshines the other stars surrounding it, drawing everyone’s attention to it and making them fall in love with it… occasionally, it also gives some people the courage to continue living.

Before I met him, I never knew about the existence of a star with such overwhelming beauty.

This is my Cinderella Story led by those dazzlingly beautiful stars—.

…

The clattering sounds of people typing away on their keyboards resonated through the bustling office.

(That should be all.)

I exhaled with a huff after completing my data entry.

(I’ll be done with all the tasks I have for this morning once I verify and submit this.)

Mori Eiko: Kawanaga-san, have you completed the thing I asked for?

Kawanaga Rina: Oh, Mori-san. Yes, I was about to verify the data entered before—

Mori: Then go photocopy these documents for me. Be quick with it.

Cutting me off mid-sentence, Mori-san quickly tossed a stack of documents onto my desk.

Rina: U-understood…

Watching her leave with the clicking sound of her high heels, I heaved a quiet sigh.

(More work, huh. I don’t have a choice. Let’s quickly get this done!)

Aegis Public Holdings — a Tokyo-based advertising company that handles advertisements across a wide range of media platforms including the TV, magazines, and the internet.

I worked as a temporary employee in their creative department, which was responsible for producing such advertisements.

I successfully progressed to the final interview with Aegis back when I was job-hunting, but I unfortunately didn't make the cut in the end.

(At that time, I was really disappointed. Fortunately, I received a job offer from another industry…)

I had dreamt of becoming an advertising planner for a long time, and I absolutely couldn’t give up on working for Aegis.

That was why I decided to start my career pathway as a temporary employee.

(Whenever I think of it, I can’t bring myself to whine about my own choice.)

(I’ve always admired Aegis, and being able to work in their creative department is already very commendable.)

…

Time for my lunch break. I was walking through the nearby park with my bento in hand, and I thought of the documents I photocopied earlier on.

(If I’m not mistaken, that was the advertising project for a drinking water company Mori-san’s in-charge of.)

(Amazing… I want to work on a major project like that someday.)

Mori-san was a full-time employee and my team leader, she was often referred to as the department’s “Ace”.

The other employees who built their careers from the bottom up had stable jobs, dressed well… and were overflowing with confidence.

(They shine so bright… and yet, I still don't have that kind of confidence.)

(Most of my tasks are only the basic level work of an assistant, so I haven't had many opportunities to gain experience with handling the main responsibilities of our department.)

The stark contrast between myself and the full-time employees could even be seen in our lunches.

As a temporary employee on a budget, I would make my own bento and bring it to work. Meanwhile, the full-time employees enjoyed their lunches at fancy restaurants.

(... No, no, no. If I keep thinking of it like that, my bento won’t taste good anymore.)

I shook those depressing thoughts off.

(It doesn't matter how I landed a job at Aegis. I just have to work hard and gain work experience.)

Someday, I’ll be promoted to a full-time position and create advertisements that inspire those with dreams.

That was my dream… It was to inspire others the same way advertisements did for me when I felt hopeless.

(Okay. I’ll do my best in the afternoon!)

…

(What’s going on? Sounds like a commotion…)

Department Chief: Listen up, all of you! The sales department just secured a mega project!

The chief of our department was addressing everyone excitedly.

Department Chief: The project is to create an advertising campaign for a new perfume from the major french brand, “Aisance”!

Department Chief: This new product will be launched globally, so the advertising will also be aired all over the world!

Rina: W-worldwide!?

(That’s amazing! But if it's a global project, why would they approach a Japanese company…?)

Department Chief: Actually, Aisance has specified the brand ambassadors for their advertisement this time.

Department Chief: It’s exe Creed!

In an instant, the female employees in the office let out excited squeals.

exe Creed was a globally famous Japanese male idol group.

From songwriting, composing, choreographing, designing their own stage outfits, to directing their performances— being self-produced was one of their strengths.

Their outstanding vocal and dance skills put them on a quick road to stardom, topping the charts not only locally but even in America…

(Even someone like myself, who’s unfamiliar with idols, has heard of them.)

There was not a single day where they wouldn't be seen in the media, and I also heard that they had a very passionate fanbase around the world.

(I see. So Aisance chose a Japanese company for their advertising campaign because they want exe Creed to be their model.)

(But Aisance’s advertisements have always been featuring famous Hollywood actresses.)

(Now they’re choosing a group of Japanese idols… male idols… this is too surprising…!)

It seems that many advertising companies would be competing against one another to officially secure this project.

Department Chief: Our company’s reputation is on the line. We must definitely win this!

The enthusiastic department chief made an even more surprising announcement.

Due to the models being world famous idols, they were more open to opinions this time…

Everyone, regardless of their department and position, were allowed to submit their project plans.

(This is my golden opportunity! I’m only a temporary employee, so I might stand a chance to work on an advertising project from its planning stage…!)

My heart was racing and overflowing with the desire to give it a shot.

Female Employee 1: Does this mean we get to meet the members of exe Creed if we’re chosen!?

Female Employee 2: Count me in!

Mori: A global scale project featuring exe Creed? This is amazing. We mustn't let this opportunity slip away.

A roaring flame of passion burned inside me.

(... Let’s do this. I’m going to come up with a project plan, and seize this opportunity!)

#morganatic idol #ikemen series #cybird ikemen #cybird otome #morudoru translations #otome #morudoru prologue

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hikennosabo · 9 months

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#tristampparty day 6, episode 6: once upon a time in hopeland

THE HALFWAY POINT OF @tristampparty BABY!!! this is another episode i've watched multiple times on its own so... LET'S GOOOOO

and we start right out the gate with

wolfwood vial count: 2

i don't think i need to keep saying that masaya onosaka is the radio dj... he's been a constant...

LOL, LMAO, EVEN

"disposal," though... we know all about the last run, but what else does disposal entail. like what do they do with the. um. the corpse? and the word "disposal"... yeesh...

so they say, even though it's obvious bullshit. but i do wonder. conrad is in charge of july, EoM's base is in july, etc etc... but how many people actually know what's going on? who does "the july government" consist of besides conrad? what about the civilians living in the city? EoM's cover is flimsy at best, they're suspicious as hell, so how deep and how far does the propaganda machine reach that this can just... keep going on?

all this planet has is radio and newspapers, no TV, no internet, and everyone is struggling just to survive... we saw just last ep how EoM had a grip on one village to the point where it was normalized to sacrifice children... just how good are they at controlling information? jeez. roberto and meryl's job as reporters is more important than ever.

we see that part of wolfwood's designated role is to go after deserters and traitors, so that's another way of controlling information, but. he's just one guy. so they probably have more assassins than just him. maybe the rest of the ghg that we haven't seen yet? there's livio, too, but... how long has he been with EoM at this point? the timeline's so unclear on this, i don't know... we know it took "months" between wolfwood being taken by them and his escape attempt + livio(/razlo) joining, but we don't know how long ago that was either... presumably it would also take "months" for the experiments to be done on livio, or maybe even less time? uhhhhh (steam comes out of my ears from thinking too hard)

......i'm less than 3 minutes into the episode. let's continue.

it's cute that they shrug simultaneously. mad at each other but still in sync... :')

no idea why the orphanage would be highlighted on the map except for foreshadowing purposes, but it looks like the steamer stops at... uh... *squints* taradiddlescoast... deucedump?!... orange bazoo... who tf is naming these places?!

:') aha. ahahahahaha. ahahhahahahaha. ah. uah. ue. ueeeeeeaaahhh

we already know that the sandsteamer route passes by the orphanage. so i like that there's a sandsteamer visible in the distance. very nice subtle attention to detail here

i feel like people are always quick to point out that livio and wolfwood being siblings is specific to stampede only but i DON'T care, this is my FAVORITE interpretation of their relationship, i really love it so much and think it enhances the narrative and nicely contrasts the relationship between vash and knives. orange was SO big brained for this and i'm not kidding. they're brothers in the manga too, to me.

the dub line here is "stop, livio! he's not who hurt you!" which just tears me into a million pieces, thanks!

...if i remember correctly... the "great sand ocean" is called as such because things just sink into it, right? (hmm... wonder how many crashed ships sank into the sand ocean...) hence the boat-like vehicles that are used to cross it. as we can see, the bad lads gang uses what look like windsurfers. and yet wheeled vehicles seem to fare just fine...?!

we never see what the test is. huh... i'm reminded of the promised neverland all of a sudden

nicholas gets selected and the bell rings... can i point something out? the bell's presence in scenes... what the bell represents... it has the EoM logo on it. well, so does the building. but notably, we see the bell in the scene with livio and wolfwood on the roof at night and also in the scene of them cuddling which i posted above. they're bonding and they love each other but the eye of michael is quite literally looming over them... and over the orphanage as a whole...

i've already talked about this in my bookclub posts but i want to talk about the orphanage's relationship with EoM again. it's literally run by them... there's NO cover story here, they're CLEARLY suspicious as hell. in the manga, chapel came by himself to pick wolfwood up and the cover story was that they would be repairing churches, right? and everyone genuinely believed he was going off to live a better life. here it's just. a bunch of guys in suits and masks. obviously suspicious. they run the place, so i guess there's no need for a cover story...? but iirc in the manga EoM was also using the orphanage as a "source" for soldiers, right? like i think chapel says something like that, doesn't he? am i misremembering?

i have so many questions. there's no confetti. what does that mean. this is a lot more lowkey than wolfwood's departure in the manga. no cheering, no invitation to come back/saying this is always his home, just... polite waves. and melanie looks... unhappy. how much does she know? how much of a choice does she have here? ...huh. i'm reminded of the promised neverland again.

what does this mean for... y'know. The Scene. like. the confetti is important. the kids loving nicholas so much and cheering while saying goodbye is important. why did orange take those out what are they planning what does it MEAN!!!!

wolfwood is "test subject HL1-06" and i have no idea what that means and we can't determine from this how many kids came before him either.

wolfwood vial count: 3

hi sweetieeeee i love youuuuuu i love youuuuuu

see this gets the gears turning in my head regarding the timeline again. legato says this, and we see some flashforwards (i guess in this context that's what they are) to wolfwood killing people, including the guy from the beginning of this episode and monev from the last episode... (over which legato calls him a loser, lol?! even though that's very much not the reason why wolfwood killed him, and we know it) so how long was wolfwood working for EoM before he was given the job to "babysit" vash?

i already talked about this in one of my bookclub posts but there's the change in livio's motivations, too... he's chasing after wolfwood... as opposed to (razlo) wanting to be needed... what does it mean. man, i really hope orange doesn't do razlo dirty whenever he shows up for real.

THIS CLEARLY ISN'T STRINGS. WHY IS LEGATO'S POWER DIFFERENT IN EVERY VERSION OF TRIGUN I SWEAR TO GOD like it's telekinesis, right?! what does this mean for legato?! and his backstory?! strings are so fitting for him thematically, so i don't know what they could be planning here!!

kouki uchiyama will see a guy with blue hair covering one eye and say "is anyone gonna voice him" and not wait for an answer (and then fight akira ishida over it)

CONRAD I'M GOING TO THROTTLE YOU. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR EXPERIMENTS ARE DOING HUH. HUH!!!!

HGORHGHGHG.GHG. AHGHGGG.HGH.

thinking about the previous episode and eating rocks

livio hears wolfwood's name and that's when he opens his eyes and kicks vash off him... i initially thought maybe he just took the opportunity because vash was distracted, but he was distracted by the military guys right before this, so...?!

say that to knives and see what happens. also hello pretty boy you are so pretty i love you i'm blowing you kisses mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah

whenever legato talks about his confusion over fraternal love i can't help but remember nightow's comment about him maybe having a younger sister. which is interesting to think about but has never been relevant for any version of legato ever... buuuut... with orange's attention to detail, hmmm, who knows...

also i'm obsessed with legato driving hands-free and I AM ONCE AGAIN ASKING HOW HIS POWERS WORK IN THIS VERSION.

*wipes brow* let's end it there i wrote too much. i know i'll have a lot to say about the next episode too. they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming

#tristampparty #trigun talk #june speaks

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mayfast · 2 months

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You don’t think there’s ANYTHING suspicious about a white Italian crying crocodile tears after 30 seconds in the ring with an African woman, the ring of course being the fucking OLYMPIC BOXING RING, which is meant for people who are actually capable of performing well in the sport they’re there to do?

Both of them are women, one is just apparently shit at the one thing she was there to do. Can’t take a hit? Don’t go into a sport where you’re gonna get hit, overwhelmingly in the face. Euros stay seething that they can’t own Africans anymore and have to make shit up.

Greetings,

First, I want to apologize in advance for any grammar or punctuation errors. English is my first language, but I’m dyslexic. Regardless, I will do my best to make this response readable. Secondly, I apologize for getting back to you so late. I visited my siblings and left my laptop at home, knowing that if I tried to respond via my phone, the quality would suffer greatly. Thirdly, thank you for genuinely asking me a question. Don’t get me wrong—I love a good death threat as much as the next person, and I’ve already received plenty of those. But I suppose the way I see it is this: if you disagree with me on a topic, having a screaming match on the level of a presidential debate isn’t going to help either of us. Besides, I like learning and changing. I’m human, and that’s kind of what we’re meant to do. Talk with me so I can see and learn. If you show me why I’m wrong and convince me, I’ll acknowledge it and say, "I was wrong with the information previously presented to me. Thank you for correcting me; I appreciate it." As petty as it sounds, I like being right—not in terms of "my opinion trumps yours," but in knowing I have the correct information and now understand the right thing to do or say. Make sense?

Next order of business: my perspective. Normally, I keep my nose out of political and social issues for several reasons. Firstly, I don’t typically have enough information to give an informed opinion. I don’t see why I should preach my views if I lack the data or experience in the subject matter. Instead, I prefer to listen and learn. Furthermore, I strongly believe in the cookie/diet analogy. Most of the internet is familiar with this analogy, but to reiterate: me being on a diet does not mean you cannot eat a cookie. Similarly, my beliefs should not dictate how you live your life. In simpler terms, I drink water and mind my business.

However, let's adjust the analogy a bit. (I use analogies a lot, and I acknowledge that they are not always perfect, but they help get my point across.) If my diet forbids me from consuming alcohol, it doesn’t mean you can’t drink. I even hope you enjoy it because you’re doing as you please and having a good time. But if you decide to drink and then drive, you are actively impeding on my right to be safe. As stated in Article 2 of the American Declaration of Rights: “Every human being has the right to life, liberty, and the security of his person.” Yes, I am American, so perhaps this analogy only applies to Americans. Again, a limitation of the analogy. In this case, I have enough reason to get involved. It’s not about you drinking or you driving separately; it’s about the intersection of the two. (Bet you didn’t think a dumb jock knew what that was, huh?)

For those who are younger or unfamiliar, intersectionality is “a metaphor for understanding the ways that multiple forms of inequality or disadvantage sometimes compound themselves and create obstacles that are often not understood among conventional ways of thinking.” Alternatively, intersectionality is “a sociological analytical framework for understanding how groups' and individuals' social and political identities result in unique combinations of discrimination and privilege.” Basically, when two identities (like race and gender) intersect, they create a unique perspective, thus an intersection. This concept was identified by Kimberlé Crenshaw, a civil rights advocate.

One of the first examples given to me about intersectionality involved a mechanic shop. In this shop, Black male mechanics did the physical labor, while white women worked as secretaries and in the office. A Black woman faced discrimination when she was unfairly turned away for a job. When she took her case to court, the company argued they were neither racist nor sexist because they hired both Black people and women. However, all the women in the office were white, and all the Black employees were male mechanics. It's a complex situation, right? I'm not sure of the specifics or the case name, but I believe it was real, and she ultimately won her case.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that I have a unique intersectionality that gives me specific experiences. In no way am I claiming my perspective is greater than anyone else's, but it is particularly relevant to the topic of trans women in sports and high testosterone performance. My point of view comes from my intersectional identity as an AFAB cis female, a mixed-race individual (Black, White, and Native American), a former Division 1 women’s athlete, and someone with a Master’s of Science in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology, along with other degrees in Biophysics, Biochemistry and Molecular Biology, and Psychology. I am currently deciding whether to pursue a PhD, a medical doctorate, or both.

Therefore, for anyone who thinks I am ignorant about the biological aspects of this issue, I urge you to reconsider. I was an accelerated student, graduated with departmental honors, and maintained a physically demanding job. If you have an issue with my presentation of biological and genetic information, please take it up with CHEA or the U.S. Department of Education for providing me with such "ludicrous" information and expecting me to look out for the health of the U.S. population.

Additionally, while on the topic of education and biology, one key concept was emphasized from the first day of schooling: gender is not sex, and sex is not gender. These are distinct topics. Sometimes sex aligns with gender, and other times it does not. Gender is more of a spectrum, which is fine by me. I know where I fall on that spectrum and am at peace with it. I do not claim to know what a woman is definitively. However, I have lived every day of my life—over two decades—as a woman. I may not encompass everything that the title "woman" entails, but I believe I can at least identify some aspects of what it means to be a woman. Wouldn’t it be silly to tell a woman that she has no idea what is included in the title of a woman?

I've scoured the internet and cannot, for the life of me, find the name of the process where you describe things around a concept to define it, despite not having an exact definition. I learned about this in philosophy; if someone could provide the term, that would be wonderful. For example, let’s say I am an elephant, and I see red and white stripes in the tent where I perform, smell peanuts, see the ring where I strike poses, the boss with his top hat to my left, the acrobats above me, and the clowns in front of me. I may not describe everything that constitutes this concept, but you can probably guess that the topic is a circus. The elephant may not be the entire circus, but it’s part of it and knows bits of it. Could you tell the elephant that it’s not describing parts of the circus correctly? I could say, “Elephant, you’re right that those are parts of the circus, but there are different angles to it as well.” Again, I’m aware that my analogies are not all-encompassing and fall short in some details.

So, while the exact definition of "woman" is ever-changing and based on societal, emotional, mental, and other criteria, I do not seek to define this term. It’s not my area of expertise, nor is it my concern. I know what I am, and I am content. I don’t place others in a box with me; I am happy in my own square. Instead, I stick to what I know: the facts and definitions of what a female is, which are based on biology—facts that have been studied with hard data for me to analyze.

Before I continue, I want to reiterate that I am a "cookie/diet" person. Everyone has the right to life, liberty, security, and the pursuit of happiness. I could never hate a stranger I’ve never met. I believe everyone, regardless of race, gender, identity, sexual preference, age, or other parameters, should have peace and public respect. No one should be actively threatened for their opinions within the boundaries of universal truths. For example, if you think someone should die for their sexual preference (excluding minors, as I do not tolerate pedophilia and believe it is something a person must address immediately), skin color, or religious belief/spirituality, that is an infringement on another person’s safety. With that said, I think transgender, nonbinary, and queer individuals should live their lives to the fullest. They are people too, just like anyone else, including me.

Back to my original topic: I can define a biological female in terms of biology. A female is one denoting the sex that can bear offspring or produce eggs, distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova). (Note: not all females are naturally fertile due to genetic variations.) Biological sex is an assigned label given at birth based on medical factors, including hormones, chromosomes, and genitals. These are measurable factors assigned at birth. Hence, terms such as AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) and AMAB (Assigned Male At Birth) help medical providers give their patients the best treatment and diagnosis regardless of gender. Because, again, sex is not gender, and gender is not sex.

It is also significant to mention that the medical factors assigned at birth are not limited to genitals. This is important because, although rare, intersex persons are real. They exist. One of the things that used to irritate me during my undergraduate and high school years was that medical professionals knew of intersex persons, but they never had a significant amount of data on them to establish the medical boundaries of what could be classified as “normal” for them. It’s like knowing dragons exist but not being able to tell you more about them—like Hiccup with the Night Fury page in the first movie. Moreover, individuals with mixed chromosomes also occur, such as those with 25% XY and 75% XX. Even if their sex presents in a binary fashion, their DNA may be ‘abnormal,’ and they may categorize themselves however they please. I use the word 'abnormal' in a scientific manner, not as a slander, but merely because it literally translates as 'not normal.' One of the genes that defines sex presentation is the SRY gene (7).

If I harp on about DNA, I apologize, but as someone who has spent so much of her life studying this specific detail of human anatomy, I can't help but carry on. I have asked a few of my colleagues with PhDs and specialties in hormone activity, mainly about regulation, because I wish to be well-informed. At a basic level, everyone understands genetic variances and that traditional male and female individuals have different chromosomes—XY and XX, respectively. Otherwise, the genome is mostly identical, with differences in SNPs (single nucleotide polymorphisms) and epigenetics (the regulation of genes typically found in the non-coding regions of DNA). DNA influences the production of chemical structures found naturally in the body, including steroids.

I'm sure most people are familiar with steroids, whether from a "don't do drugs" perspective or in the context of cholesterol. Either way, your body produces various forms of natural steroids to help regulate biochemical pathways. The interesting part is that everyone's body produces all of the necessary steroids (at least every healthy body), just in varying amounts. If you notice that these steroids are similar looking, you're right. This similarity helps us classify them and understand their behavior. They are derivatives of each other, but their varying side chains allow them to bind to specific receptors.

Granted, 'binding' is a loose term because, due to Brownian motion and other physical laws, most molecules just float around. Binding depends on various factors such as the shape of the molecules and the energy of their interactions. Additionally, protein turnover rates (which may not directly be the steroid hormones, but affect growth hormones via the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal [HPA] Axis, Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Gonadal [HPG] Axis, Insulin-like Growth Factor 1 [IGF-1] Pathway, Steroid Hormone Receptor Signaling, including the ER and AR pathway, and Cytokine and Growth Factor Pathways), which refer to the rate at which proteins are synthesized and degraded, can influence the availability of proteins for binding, though they are not directly related to binding specificity itself. Binding specificity relies more on the geometry and chemical groups themselves. (Long story short, molecules can float into a receptor, but they rarely stick around long enough for a reaction to occur unless it is the correct compound.)

Androgens are hormones that contribute to male traits and reproductive activities, although they are also present in females in smaller amounts. The main androgens include:

Testosterone: The most well-known androgen, produced primarily in the testes of males and in smaller amounts by the ovaries in females.

Dihydrotestosterone (DHT): A more potent androgen derived from testosterone.

Androstenedione: A precursor to both testosterone and estrogens, produced in the adrenal glands and gonads.

Androgens are responsible for male characteristics such as facial hair, a deep voice, and increased muscle mass. They also play a role in libido, bone density, and overall health in both males and females (8).

Estrogens are hormones crucial for the development and regulation of the female reproductive system and secondary sexual characteristics. They are present in both males and females but are typically found at higher levels in females. Key types of estrogens include:

Estradiol (E2): The most potent and predominant estrogen during the reproductive years.

Estrone (E1): The primary form of estrogen produced after menopause.

Estriol (E3): The weakest form, mainly produced during pregnancy.

Both androgens and estrogens are essential for maintaining a healthy and functioning body, though they operate in different amounts and have distinct functions in males and females. While individual hormone levels can vary due to genetic differences, standard distributions are often used to represent general populations. It’s important to note that athletes, for example, may fall outside these standard distributions in areas like skill levels and genetic traits such as height. Hormone levels also vary depending on the specific aspect being examined, and studies have established typical ranges for these hormones.

Estradiol (E2) is the estrogen most involved in muscle health and building in women. It plays a key role in muscle growth and maintenance by enhancing muscle protein synthesis and influencing muscle mass, especially during periods of hormonal change like menopause. I found this straightforward information on a website, but I’m hesitant to cite this since it doesn’t come from a formal medical paper or research journal.

Results are given in picograms per milliliter (pg/mL). Normal levels for estradiol (E2) are:

30 to 400 pg/mL for premenopausal women

0 to 30 pg/mL for postmenopausal women

10 to 50 pg/mL for men

While these values provide a general reference, I would not rely solely on this information without formal publication backing. For more reliable data, Frederiksen et al. have a formal publication that aligns with these numbers (1). However, it's worth noting that their research was published around 2019-2020, and the publication process can sometimes extend over several months. Additionally, the E2 levels measured in these studies refer to blood serum. Since estrogens and testosterone are also present in other tissues, such as muscle and genital tissues, these values should be interpreted with some caution.

Moving on to testosterone, here are the normal measurements according to a straightforward website I found (uncited here since it’s not from a medical or research journal):

Male: 300 to 1,000 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL) or 10 to 35 nanomoles per liter (nmol/L)

Female: 15 to 70 ng/dL or 0.5 to 2.4 nmol/L

Fortunately, I found research that supports these values. For example, a study by S. L. Davison et al. measured androgen levels in 1,423 cis-women of varying ages, excluding those at the extremes of the distribution curve to minimize misjudgment (2). Their findings align well with the cited measurements of blood serum testosterone and provide additional details, such as measurement averages, ranges, and a box-and-whisker plot for various androgens. Their comprehensive analysis is quite impressive.

However, it is worth noting that Davison’s study is considered relatively old by research standards, having been published in 2005. Further supporting evidence can be found in research by Zitzmann et al., which also aligns with the previously mentioned male normal ranges (3). Additionally, Mohr et al. conducted a separate study on males that supports these general numbers (4). It should be noted that Mohr's study did not include men under 40 years of age, which may limit its applicability to younger populations.

Besides this point, what practical usage does this information have? These are just ranges of sex-specific hormones. However, when diving deeper into the performance enhancement effects of these hormones, particularly testosterone, we find a plethora of research dedicated to understanding its impact on athletic performance.

Testosterone affects physical abilities, with one of the main differences being height. For instance, Schappi (11) found that "women were, on average, 166.2 cm (SD 6.5) tall and men 179.2 cm (SD 6.5)." While this study was limited to a population in Geneva, its findings are consistent with data from Medical News Today and Our World in Data, both of which conclude that males are roughly 12-13 cm taller than females on average. Interestingly, this 13 cm difference is two standard deviations outside of the female average. Additionally, a person's wingspan is typically equal to their height, meaning that males not only have a height advantage but also a reach advantage when extending their arms overhead. However, height isn't everything; in some sports, like diving or gymnastics, excessive height can be detrimental.

Still not convinced? Let's talk about strength. Although this study is old, it highlights a well-documented difference. Bishop, Curton, and Collins found that "percentage mean differences in absolute strength between males and females of each group ranged from 75% to 173% for the curl and bench press strength measures, whereas differences for the lower-body strength measures were smaller, ranging from 20% to 64%" (12). This indicates that males are distinctly stronger in the upper body and only partially stronger in the lower body. It's important to note that these data reflect both non-athletes and collegiate swimming athletes, meaning the height categories align well with our previous discussion.

Now, let's touch on VO2 max, an important measure in endurance sports like running, where muscle mass and height may not play as significant a role. Recall the SRY gene I mentioned earlier, which is involved in the differentiation of male and female reproductive tissues. During the first six weeks of development, the reproductive tissues of males and females are identical. Around week seven in utero, the SRY (sex-related gene on the Y chromosome) initiates the development of the testes. In the absence of a Y chromosome and the SRY gene, ovaries develop instead. Fetal ovaries do not produce adequate amounts of testosterone, so the Wolffian ducts do not develop. Additionally, the absence of Müllerian Inhibiting Substance (MIS) leads to the development of the Müllerian ducts and female reproductive structures.

Testosterone also stimulates erythropoiesis, which results in a higher hematocrit (the proportion of blood volume occupied by red blood cells) in males compared to females (13). Erythropoiesis, the production of red blood cells (RBCs), plays a crucial role in determining VO2 max because RBCs are responsible for carrying oxygen from the lungs to the muscles during exercise. RBCs contain hemoglobin, a quaternary structured protein that binds to oxygen in the lungs and carries it through the bloodstream to the muscles and other tissues. The more RBCs you have, the more oxygen can, in theory, be transported to your muscles. During exercise, your muscles require more oxygen to produce energy. RBCs deliver this oxygen efficiently, enabling your muscles to sustain activity. VO2 max measures the maximum amount of oxygen your body can use during intense exercise (14). Since RBCs are responsible for delivering oxygen, the number and efficiency of RBCs directly influence your VO2 max. A higher RBC count generally means more oxygen can be delivered, potentially increasing your VO2 max.

In the past, some athletes have tried to enhance their performance by increasing their RBC count through methods like blood doping or using erythropoietin (EPO), a hormone that stimulates RBC production (14). Others prefer altitude training to stimulate the same effect. At higher altitudes, the body responds to lower oxygen levels by producing more RBCs to improve oxygen delivery. This adaptation can lead to an increase in VO2 max when the athlete returns to lower altitudes.

What’s the point of all this research? These numbers represent facts that were measured and observed. While research is ever-changing, these findings were scientifically validated at the time the data was collected. Is it the same today? Maybe, but that's why new research is always conducted—to update and refine our understanding of the facts.

So, if we establish that there are differences in testosterone levels, why is this important? Recently, while traveling, I met a young man named L. We began by discussing his interesting keychain, and our conversation soon expanded to broader topics. Eventually, we touched on my experiences and perspectives on a contentious issue I had been involved in on Tumblr. I shared my background with L and asked for his views.

L, who had no previous experience in sports but expressed a desire to participate, and I both developed similar theories on how to make sports more inclusive without the need to define categories such as "woman" or "man" or to address issues like non-binary participation. We proposed eliminating gender classifications altogether and instead focusing on identifying the 'strongest' or 'best' athletes based purely on performance.

I mentioned that increased muscle building due to androgen effects (as previously explained) would naturally favor individuals with XY chromosomes in muscle-reliant sports. Eliminating gendered sports entirely might render Title IX ineffective, which serves as a protective measure for sex equity in athletics, as well as the amendments to protect gender identity and sexual orientation. However, I will discuss my concerns with Title IX's clumping of these categories later.

L suggested exploring sports events that are more sex-specific, such as gymnastics, where events are designed to accommodate general differences in the center of gravity. He proposed categorizing events based on the center of gravity or allowing athletes to choose from a limited number of events (e.g., four out of eight). L also suggested that weightlifting could be divided into weight classes to ensure fairness.

Overall, L's ideas were creative and thought-provoking, offering innovative ways to address fairness and inclusivity in sports. However...

I want to clarify that my comments about L are not meant to be critical of him personally. L has never participated in competitive sports, so his ideas about sports regulation are not informed by personal experience. For instance, Olympic weightlifting already uses weight classes for both males and females, making L’s suggestion to split events by weight class not a new concept.

To use an analogy (and I apologize in advance for this), if I were a programmer with no background in art, I might develop a program that generates artwork. While I could claim to have created art through the program, it would not make me an artist in the traditional sense, nor would it make my program the originator of any art movements. This comparison highlights that expertise in one field does not automatically translate to expertise in another. Artists of Tumblr, I am sorry I used your craft in vain, but I’m trying to make a point.

With this in mind, I asked L whether my viewpoints made me an "asshole" or a "transphobe." I strive for self-awareness and constantly reassess my perspectives to ensure they are fair and respectful. L, a fan of philosophy, reassured me that my views, while not aligned with his own, did not reflect poorly on my character. He appreciated that I had well-reasoned arguments and was open to discussing and understanding different perspectives. L valued my willingness to engage in dialogue and my intention to support an institution that is important to me while respecting others.

Thank you, L, for your thoughtful feedback and for contributing to a constructive discussion.

Shifting focus away from DNA-related topics, I'd like to discuss another area relevant to my perspective: college sports. College athletics vary in competitiveness and rewards and are governed primarily by two bodies: the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics (NAIA) and the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA).

The NAIA generally aligns with the competitive levels of NCAA Division 2 and Division 3, with Division 2 being more competitive than Division 3. NCAA Division 1 represents the highest level of competition, with the most demanding physical and legal requirements. Notably, Division 1 athletes often face legal issues related to the intense demands placed on them by coaches, including overworking that affects their academic performance and personal well-being.

For instance, Division 1 athletes frequently deal with legal contracts that dictate their commitment levels, including the number of hours they can be required to train during the offseason and academic breaks. These contracts, often presented as voluntary, are perceived more as mandatory. Athletes are expected to sign them, and while participation in collegiate athletics is a choice, the reality often feels like being caught between economic or physical hardship. With student debt already so high, the stakes are incredibly high for student-athletes.

I also want to touch on something that came up in a Tumblr discussion. I expressed my concerns that men might enter women’s events not out of genuine reasons but rather for athletic achievement. I was told I seemed paranoid and somewhat transphobic for thinking this way, but let me share a personal insight: very few people truly understand what it’s like to be a college athlete. I'll discuss the actual numbers later, but once you sign that contract, you lose a lot of autonomy over your own life.

Before college, I had a healthy body and made my own choices. But once under the coaching staff's control, they dictated everything—my weight, sleep schedule, dietary habits, and even how much sun I got. I had no say in these decisions; it was all up to them. Any college athlete would tell you the same.

Given the differences in hormones, genetics, and epigenetics that I’ve discussed earlier, a coach’s main goal is to win, often by any means necessary within legal boundaries. Transitioning is not off the table. The athlete’s role is to comply with the coach's demands or face the possibility of being released from the team. If you think I’m being dramatic, consider the media’s sexualization of college athletes. Some coaches will have their women drop to dangerous weights to gain attention from the male audience. You should probably look into Tennessee’s women’s teams. I’ve seen coaches who, desperate to turn around a losing streak to keep their jobs, might consider extreme measures, and since the legal case of Lia Thomas was won by her, this would not exclude pushing athletes to transition. Coaches have been known to dope athletes without their consent, track their location illegally, and manipulate their academic schedules to benefit their athletic careers. The latter happens far too often. But an athlete cannot argue—it’s so easy for the school to find a way to make you ineligible. With a long line of people happy to take your scholarship, you sit down and shut up.

How do I know? I was there. I’ve seen the situations that have happened. Very few of you have the same insight.

I bring up my experience as a student-athlete because I’ve faced the reality where a poor performance could jeopardize one’s ability to afford an education. You might wonder, "So what if you get cut from the team? You can just take out a loan or get an academic scholarship like anyone else." As I mentioned earlier, I was an accelerated student, which meant I qualified for significant academic scholarships—hundreds of thousands of dollars that would have covered tuition, board, housing, and more. If I had taken the academic scholarship, it would have deprived someone else who genuinely needed it. That would have been silly, especially since I had other means to fund my education.

Contrary to media portrayals, most athletes aren’t as academically challenged as they might seem. To participate in high school and collegiate sports, you must maintain a minimum GPA. And while sports outside the major men’s sports—like football, basketball, and baseball—don't offer much financial reward, the reality is frankly more stark from an insider’s perspective. For instance, Caitlin Clark, despite being a top draft pick, earns significantly less than a male athlete in a comparable position. This disparity is something most athletes are acutely aware of.

In many countries, sports like golf or tennis might offer better financial prospects, which could explain why over 60% of NCAA tennis players are international. The point I’m making is that many student-athletes pursue sports to avoid college debt. At least 90% of my teammates were in the same situation, with many majoring in pre-med or health-related fields. It’s almost like understanding the body’s functions can indeed enhance performance.

Sorry for the snark, but this is something that has bothered me throughout my college years. The persistent stereotype of college athletes has been evident from the moment I met my academic peers. Being unfairly judged and excluded based on preconceived notions about my extracurricular activities has been frustrating. I made it a point to excel academically, partly in response to this bias. Contrary to what some may believe, athletics often integrates cutting-edge research. For example, many training programs are designed to align with circadian rhythms—lifting in the morning when testosterone levels are highest and practicing in the afternoon when coordination and reaction times are optimized. It’s about applying principles of biochemistry and biophysics to enhance performance.

I want to discuss being a college athlete for another important reason. It seems reasonable to address the issue of lawmakers and other individuals making decisions about areas where they lack firsthand experience. Take, for example, women’s reproductive health and abortion. It’s a well-known issue where decisions are often made by those who don’t experience the consequences firsthand. Similarly, when it comes to transgender athletes in sports, the situation is analogous.

To illustrate, let’s look at some statistics. According to the NCAA, in the 2021-2022 year, there were over 520,000 collegiate athletes. This number is consistent with this link's reports from the NCAA and NAIA combined. In high school, there were approximately 3,850,771 male athletes and 2,954,034 female athletes. It’s important to note that these figures might include multiple team members and varying grade levels, and some high school athletes participate in multiple sports.

The likelihood of playing at any collegiate level, not just Division 1, is much lower, with about 298,424 male athletes and 239,611 female athletes making the cut. This translates to approximately 7.74% of high school males and 8.11% of high school females having the opportunity to offer an informed opinion on this matter. According to theKids Count Data Center, in 2021, there were 258,418,544 people over the age of 18. This means that for every college athlete, there are roughly 500 individuals who can impact their experience.

This approach highlights an important issue: ensuring equality for nonbinary athletes. They deserve the opportunity to showcase their talents and pursue college sports without facing prejudice or having to conform to the standards set for men’s or women’s teams.

One key aspect of Title IX that many people may not be aware of is that college sports programs must reflect the sex distribution of the student body. When there is a significant imbalance in sex representation—such as more females than males at a school—the ratio of sports scholarships and teams must be adjusted accordingly. As a result, many universities are now adding more female teams to meet these requirements, rather than cutting male programs, which often generate more funding. Interestingly enough, I find it odd that the sex ratio is what influences gender opportunities in athletics, because as we’ve learned, sex is not gender and gender is not sex. Why does sex ratios influence gendered sports?

I propose creating a nonbinary category in sports, with Title IX regulations adjusted to reflect this inclusion. This would ensure that schools offer fully funded nonbinary athletics teams with the same benefits as traditional teams, including scholarships, housing, media coverage, and outreach programs. This way, a trans woman or gender-fluid athlete would not face issues related to hormonal treatments or eligibility, as they would have a designated team that understands their unique challenges. By doing so, we can provide a supportive environment where nonbinary athletes can thrive and connect with teammates who share similar experiences.

If I didn’t care about the well-being of nonconforming genders, I wouldn’t have invested hours researching NCAA guidelines and the CFR to develop solutions. I’m committed to finding resolutions rather than merely voicing complaints.

Now, you might be wondering if I’m advocating for a "separate but equal" approach. Let me clarify: as a Black woman in sports, I’ve experienced firsthand the disparities in treatment and opportunities. Women’s sports often receive far less attention and funding compared to men’s sports. The funding for most college sports programs primarily comes from men’s teams—football, baseball, and men’s basketball being major examples. Additionally, women’s games are frequently scheduled at inconvenient times, like mid-day on a Tuesday, while men’s games are typically held on Friday evenings, attracting more viewers and creating fewer conflicts with academic commitments.

Despite my frustrations, I was thrilled to see the South Carolina vs. Iowa women’s basketball game in 2024 become one of the most-watched college basketball games in ESPN’s history. It felt like a long-awaited recognition for women’s athletics. While the 9.9 million views from the previous year were a notable achievement, it’s clear that women’s sports still have a long way to go in terms of equality and visibility. I’m getting beside the point. Those who would argue that sports are completely based on being unequal, that there are those who are genetically taller or stronger than others, make the point of regulation seem completely unjust.

I assume everyone here is familiar with the standard distribution curve, or the normal z-distribution, which is based on deviation away from the ‘normal.’ Athletics can be understood within this framework. With the Olympics at the very right side of the curve, the top 0.1% of their sport. Top-performing college athletes are well beyond three deviations from the mean. In fact, they are so far above the curve that they are considered outliers. If we examine the case of Lia Thomas, I ran the numbers, comparing her swim performance to the previous top three medalists of the 500-meter freestyle for the 2016-2024 seasons. Lia almost fell perfectly on the mean for the top three medalists, even landing slightly higher within the first deviation of the previous gold medalists within the past eight years.

A "freak of nature" would fall into the +2 or +3 categories. This is also what helps tip off the NCAA about drug enhancement usage. Again, what really threw most of the nation off about Lia Thomas was that she won in her first year in the women’s category. But what fails to be recognized is that her numbers were in the normal range for winning. Granted, this led to other speculations about her being ‘too perfect’ in the category of normal, but that’s not the point nor does it have any data relevance. She did lose a valuable 15 seconds from her personal best after undergoing hormone therapy. I won’t call Lia, when she swam in the men’s category, a bad or prime athlete. Lia, like many athletes affected by COVID, had an extra year to compete, which happened to be her last year of collegiate athletics. Looking at Lia’s numbers and rank alone is not a good indicator of her potential as a swimmer. Lia was always a good swimmer in longer-distance freestyle, even before she transitioned. Looking at Lia’s ranking as a sophomore pre-transition, she was ranked 65th among males for the 200 free that season. For a sophomore, that is not bad at all. I personally ranked a bit higher my sophomore year, but there’s always the number of people in your sport to take into account. I would estimate that if Lia had continued to swim with the males without hormone therapy, she most likely would have been on the national podium nonetheless. What irks me is the lack of data that I can find on Lia’s junior season when she was undergoing hormone therapy while competing in the male category. I know many statements place Lia as ‘bouncing’ from a low-ranking male to a top-ranking female, but I don’t believe that is the case. If someone could point me to the data set, I would love to examine it. Regardless, Lia’s lower rank in her junior year would be explained by the lower levels of testosterone, mitigating towards that of an AFAB (assigned female at birth) woman. If Lia was an ‘average’ champion her senior year, then that low rank position in her junior year is where a women’s average national champion would rank among AMAB (assigned male at birth) men.

Now, someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I doubt that much of Lia’s shift in rank her junior year could be attributed to a change in technique. She did lose muscle mass and gained the typical body composition of a female. So, really the only significant alteration was her testosterone suppression. Clearly, testosterone does something. Granted, due to the private policy of athletes' health, I don’t think much of the public has access to her health records, including her T levels. But if they were under 5 nmol/L, the NCAA would not have allowed her to compete, which she did. So clearly, they were above that level. Regardless, Lia lost muscle mass and bone density post-hormone therapy. Granted, for a non-contact sport in water, how prized is bone density?

If you really want to get into the chemistry of it, females with higher fat content float more easily due to buoyant forces. “In fact, it is the density of lean muscle tissue that differentiates it from fat. The density of mammalian skeletal muscle tissue is about 1.06 kg/L. This density can be contrasted with the density of adipose tissue (fat), which is 0.9196 kg/L” (Etchison). Normally, in any other sport, this is a hindrance, as fat adds to resistance via pulling in a downward motion, which your muscles would need to act counteractively to not only keep you up but also move forwards. Back to distributions, sorry for the weird tangent.

These physical attributes that are so valued in sports—heights, testosterone levels, skeletal structure—have distribution curves among females, or at most people have heard of as percentiles. This is a natural distribution. I don’t think I need to explicitly state that, in general, males are taller, stronger, and faster (due to testosterone). As a female athlete, these are facts I accept without feeling inferior. However, a height of 6’4” or 193 cm will land very differently on the distribution scale of males and females. I mean, Lia’s own teammates wrote a letter urging the school not to pick a fight with gender and sex, as they classified the two as separate and unrelated. While others wrote that Lia was a perfect example that transgender athletes should have an equal opportunity in a safe and positive environment (which I’m not disagreeing with), they are no longer biologically in the binary. Lia’s gender was not the same as her sex during her years of competition.

Next, my other issue with how Lia was regulated was that the NCAA measured her blood serum testosterone. "Evidence that the concentration of testosterone in the athlete’s serum has been less than 5 nmol/L (as measured by liquid chromatography coupled with mass spectrometry) continuously for a period of at least thirty-six (36) months before the date of application" (NCAA Guidelines 19.4.6.C.2). As we have already discussed, 5 nmol/L is already double the standard maximum amount for females, but half the amount males have.

Then let’s discuss the paradox presented. Clearly, testosterone plays a role in performance. However, Lia’s gender and hormones matched those of a female, even though other aspects of her sex did not match that of a biological female (genitals and chromosomes). However, if women’s sports shouldn’t be policed by hormones, genitals, or chromosomes, what defines the original intent of Title IX by the separation of sex? Even when cases in the past have disqualified cis women, whose genitals also align with their sex, if their hormones were too high—cases like Caster Semenya, Dutee Chand, Francine Niyonsaba, Margaret Wambui, and Annet Negesa. Did you know about those cases? Did anyone care then? The typical causes were hyperandrogenism, more common in women of African descent. As a mixed woman, I’m well aware of this. And how have those cases been handled before Imane Khelif? The IAAF, now World Athletics, required these women to either undergo surgery or take medication to bring those T levels down. So, do we go back and award those women their medals and prize money?

Taking this tail-chasing a step further, Lia Thomas didn’t undergo a sex change (understandable, as surgery and hormone therapy would be a lot while competing and preparing for law school), but we regulated her hormones. Her testosterone was just as natural as Imane Khelif’s. If hormones don’t define what a woman is, why was it okay in this case? To further complicate matters, Imane Khelif is a boxer, which is high-contact. Fine, sure, sports sometimes include contact; it’s just part of them. But as you read earlier, testosterone affects tissue, not just blood serum, strength, VO2 max, and other factors like bone density. It definitely affects net force for strikes. One major reason the sports were originally separated wasn’t because women didn’t deserve an equal stage, but to account for the natural differences in anatomy and physiology, such as net strike force and bone density.

People get hurt in contact sports nonetheless; however, those injuries occur along the standard curve due to natural differences between athletes. Without regulation, there is a shift in the curve that would make serious injuries far more common, with death being on the far-right side of the distribution.

Genetic differences and unfair genetic advantages occur all the time in sports. All the time. I was a Division I athlete; do you think I didn’t recognize that? That I wasn’t used to craning my neck up to talk with volleyball or basketball players? That is laughable. But even between the same sports, with men and women, there is a natural distribution. Females are 95% of the time shorter and less muscular. Swimmers, divers, runners, jumpers, throwers, rowers, basketball players, tennis players, fencers, and water polo players—it's all the same.

So, what do we regulate? Hormones? Chromosomes? Genitals? Gender? All of these are out of the question.

Once again, I propose an enhanced visibility program for equal opportunities for non-conforming individuals. The interpretation of Title IX is problematic. The LGBT+ community and others agree that gender is not the same as sex. But for some odd reason, gender and sexual orientation are protected under the title of sex. We should not pick and choose when definitions are convenient. We need to make a distinction and protect these categories individually with more specific definitions. Women: Chromosomes, genitals, gender, and hormones align. Men: Chromosomes, genitals, gender, and hormones align. Non-Conforming: None of the categories need to align.

This model would allow parents to feel more at ease about their children participating in primary education without worrying that their children’s opportunities are being stolen. Every category can have distinct role models. Yes, there can be a genderqueer Simone Biles. This reduces the backlash from societal norms. There would not need to be heavy regulation of sex or gender for the non-conforming group. Thus, they would not have to change to compete. And there would be respect for athletes who do not want to compete against non-standard competitors. Some athletes are fine with whoever is in the competition, while others are not, and whether we like it or not, we have to respect their wishes as well. They are people too, just like trans athletes.

Title IX, enacted as part of the Education Amendments of 1972, represents a critical piece of legislation designed to prevent discrimination based on sex in educational programs and activities receiving federal financial assistance (9). Since its enactment, Title IX's scope has broadened to incorporate evolving understandings of sex, gender, and sexual orientation, and I’m not opposed to protecting each category. This evolution reflects both judicial interpretations and regulatory updates aimed at providing comprehensive protections. However, this broadening also raises concerns about the implications of conflating sex, gender, and sexual orientation under a single legal framework.

Title IX mandates that no person in the U.S. shall be excluded from participation in, denied benefits from, or subjected to discrimination in any federally funded education program or activity based on sex. This includes provisions for ensuring non-discriminatory practices in areas such as athletics, admissions, and employment. Again, this is completely reasonable.

The phrase "Scope of Title IX" refers to the range and extent of Title IX's applicability, including its limitations and exceptions. It outlines the contexts in which Title IX's provisions apply, such as educational programs and employment practices. However, societal changes and legal developments have prompted a broader interpretation. Notably, the U.S. Supreme Court's 2020 decision in Bostock v. Clayton County recognized that discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity constitutes sex discrimination. This ruling has influenced the interpretation of Title IX, leading to protections that encompass sexual orientation and gender identity. This is where I have questions about the interpretation. As we have discussed several times, sex isn’t the same as gender, nor is sexual orientation. So why does this fall under the same category? We have early distinctions between the two by John Money in the 1950s and 60s. We also have the Transgender Rights Awareness movements of the 1960s and 1970s, which emphasized that gender identity is not strictly determined by biological sex. Let us not forget the academic development and recognition between the 1970s and 1980s, where gender studies emerged! Scholars like Joan Scott and Judith Butler explored and expanded the idea that gender is a social construct distinct from biological sex. Butler’s work, particularly in the 1990s, was influential in articulating gender as a fluid and socially constructed phenomenon.

I agree completely that the ruling in Bostock v. Clayton was a step in the right direction. Gerald Bostock being fired due to his sexual orientation was discriminatory. His being gay had no impact on his job performance as a child welfare coordinator. However, the court’s ruling that firing someone for being gay or transgender is inherently tied to their sex contradicts the concept that sex and gender are not related. It’s not about sex; it’s about presentation. They aren’t being discriminated against based on sex but rather on sexual orientation and gender identity. How do you know I care about this topic? You have me reviewing 172 pages of Supreme Court files….

So, to put it plainly, sexual orientation and gender identity need to be protected but should not be classified under Title IX as they are unrelated to sex discrimination, as seen in the code of federal regulations; 34 CFR 106.61(10). Additionally, Bostock’s case was related to employment, where it is clear that no sex difference would affect job performance. As an asexual individual, I find it important to recognize and protect distinct sexual orientations alongside gender identities. I was raised in an environment where it was firmly believed that women should be barefoot and pregnant on the farm, and homosexuals needed to ‘repent’. I think that’s all poppycock. But this regulation of Title IX doesn’t align with the previous information on sex and gender.

So now that that’s all said and done, let me review my arguments clearly: Gender and sex are not the same thing. Testosterone affects performance. We have cases that regulate gender as if it’s the same thing as sex and then contradict each other, such as Lia vs. Imane. Are we policing testosterone or not? Why is a large group not directly involved in this debate having such a significant influence over the voices that are actually affected? Title IX shouldn’t protect sexual orientation and gender identity because these topics are unrelated to sex. Finally, we need to address this issue by creating a third, non-conforming category that has equal rights and access to both male and female sports. And crocodile tears? I know this sounds silly, and nepotism happens, but doesn't it strike you as odd, that a trained fighter, some one who should be use to getting hit goes down in under a minute? I'm not saying she was or wasn't dramatic or not, but I am saying that's not normal.

Once again, I’m not an asshole, nor am I transphobic. I drink water and mind my business and, as so lovingly pointed out by other accounts, I do like to write fanfiction because I find it a good way to escape the real world. But if you think you can judge a person’s entire personality and intelligence based on a hobby, I seriously believe you should reevaluate yourself. Do I find the case of Imane suspicious? Yes, for the reasons previously discussed. Would I find the case of Imane suspicious if we had a third category for athletes to compete without needing to conform to the standards of each sex? No. Furthermore, I find it very disappointing that Russia’s whistleblowing on Imane, which could directly endanger her life, is unacceptable. Also, I enjoy learning. If you think I’m wrong in my stance, please, by all means, provide me with some papers to read so I can be better informed. Show me your data and how you’ve interpreted it. It’s important to communicate ideas so we, as a collective people, can move forward. As you might have noticed through my essay, I lean towards a moderate political stance and am always open to hearing other perspectives.

Last note: If you write an insulting or derogatory letter to me, just know I have siblings. “KYS”? “TERF”? Really? Please, get a little more creative with your insults; I want to feel something. I have a father who disowned me for believing it’s okay if people aren’t heterosexual. So, up your game. If you post a death threat with an anonymous tag, you should be ashamed of yourself. Your behavior is unbecoming, and you know it. If you’re going to hate me, do it with a tag; let everyone know you disagree with me. I wouldn’t hate you for it. In fact, I’ll ask for your opinion because I think understanding different viewpoints is important, and I want to see what you see. But if you hide, I cannot see you as anything more than a ‘liberal blue-haired’ screeching.

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