#why is it that we are never allowed to grieve? why is our pain always politicised? why does it feel like jewish pain never matters?

[gayjaytodd]

just in case you're wondering how bad antisemitism is online by now: my friend had to take down the memorial post she made on IG for her dad and stepmum (who died less than a week ago) bc people were spamming it with "free palestine" and "two less zionists is a good thing" comments

[genderkoolaid]

expand on ur "mental asylum Marxism shit" thing about children & grief?? from what you've said im pretty sure i will relate from my own experiences as a grieving child. also it sounds interesting!!

so i was thinking about how weird it is that, when a child has to deal with the death of a loved one, they say something like "no child should have to go through this! no child should have to even think about death!" which strikes me as weird because i was a child who dealt with the deaths of multiple close family members, very close together. the first was my great-grandmother, who i lived with and who was my best friend. death was never foreign to me (my mom has always been very death-positive on top of all that). grief was just part of my life like everything else was.

but i realized that its because people think childhood should not have any flaws. you should be 100% happy and fulfilled all the time. any time a child experiences anything painful, its bad. not "children should have access to love and support," but "children should not have basic life experiences because the idea of childhood being anything other than fluffy purity scares me."

because children in society are fundamentally not people. especially in a society structured around christian beliefs in natural law theory, that what is natural = what is good, healthy, and Divinely commanded. so on top of children being the property of adults, they are also forced to be the symbols of Nature. whatever is the most useful to whoever needs them. which means we built up this idea of children as tabula rasas, pureness incarnate. like a magic mirror where if we look into it, we'll be able to catch a glimpse of the true face of humanity. every single thing children do can be scrutinized for some grand truth about humans as a whole. and then, the ways children are treated also reflect how we think humanity should interact with its own nature.

example: the idea of humanity as inherently sinful and wicked, with that urge needing to be suppressed through state violence (hello hobbes) = the idea that children are annoying and shitty on purpose and need to be forced via punishment into being Good Citizens.

this is also why children cannot be trans, even though all trans people must prove that we were trans children. being queer must be unnatural; and even if not, its inherently sexual, and sexuality is dirty and bad. so children can't be trans, and they also can't read books on puberty until their parents decide when and what exactly they are allowed to learn. child victims of sexual assault only matter to the extent that they can be used as a symbol of a cultural threat; calling Jewish or trans people pedophiles means saying that they are foreigners attacking basic human nature, and indirectly, Divine command. if you aren't the right kind of victim, or when you inevitably reveal yourself to be A Person with complicated experiences and opinions, you are no longer of use to the agenda.

it sucks that bad things happen to anyone. aspects of youth can exacerbate the pain sometimes, but sometimes it does the reverse: I wish I could have spent more time with the family members I lost, but I know other people who are glad they loss family members young, because they weren't really hurt by it. I think the main thing is that, even sometimes when we talk about our past selves, we project this cultural idea of Child As Purity and ignore the actual person having the experience. when we "empathize" with children by projecting Purity onto them, we aren't actually connecting with them.

[ffjj5]

Its been a while Jikookers, but let me tell you why...

Just a warning this post will talk about grief and death, so if you aren't in a place to want to read that right now please scroll past 💜

On October 11th my world changed and I am still working out how to be in it without my best friend. I have never felt loss and pain like I do right now but I am surrounded by amazing friends and family who will help me work this shit out. My beautiful friend of 20+ years died after a very short time in Neuro ICU following a burst brain aneurysm. No warning, just walking home from lunch with a friend on the 3rd October and she collapsed in the street, she never regained consciousness and died peacefully surrounded by her siblings, children and mum 8 days later on 11th October.

It's the little things I am struggling with, the coffee dates on my days off, the messages she would send just to say 'love you' and ask how your day was, the random phone calls because she was putting off gardening or housework, the messages to say have lovely trip the day before or after you went as she always got the date wrong, but she never forgot the important dates and would spend her last pound to get you a card to celebrate.

One of the reasons for me posting on here is because I want to recognise how being part of this fandom and being a Jikooker has had a profound impact on my grieving during this time. In life some people come along and impact on your life in a way they may never understand because you can't find the right words to tell them, but even from thousands of miles away their words bring you strength and comfort, a hug in the form of a voice message. Part of me working through this shitty grieving process has been to just say what is in my head into my phone and send the message to this person, with no expectation of a reply or words of wisdom, but she has never let me down. Even if its just to say 'keep going, it will get better', she has never allowed me to feel unheard.

So @dgtn please stand up and accept your virtual hug, until I can give you one in person 😊

A week ago we had a ceremony and celebration of life for my friend and it was beautiful, the sun shone, we cried, we laughed ( she loved to laugh and was always making us laugh) and I started on the next part of my grief journey, to learn to live without her but never forgetting her.

Everyday is a new day and some are harder than others, work is either a blessing of a distraction, or a curse, as my ability to deal with stress and the stupidity and pettiness of the general public is better some day then others. My work colleagues have been beyond amazing and the love and support they have given me has been beyond anything I could imagine. But I know my friend would be shouting at me to live my life now as it is too damn short and can be gone in an instant, so that is what I am doing. Next year is busy, first K-pop concert (Ateez, don't get me started on how excited I am), West end theatre show, and the icing on the cake is a trip to Niagara falls and NYC in March! Not to mention the impending BTS concert when that pesky military service is over for all our guys.

Music is an important part of my life and BTS' music has helped me massively, I have cried to it, I have sung my heart out to it, and I have sat in silence and just listened to it and taken comfort from their lyrics.

One song which has seen me do all three is Zero o clock, so what better way for me to sign off than with this...

[wandaslittlelove]

Destined - Part 0

Warnings: Cheating, mentions of death

The rain poured as I stared out the window. It had been almost two weeks since I had seen Wanda and about a month since my sister had sacrificed herself for a stone.

When I came back from the blip it felt like seconds had passed but really it had been five years. In those five years my sister was alone. Grieving my loss. Then when I came back and found out she was gone I was grieving hers. It seemed as if neither of us could ever get a happy ending. 

Being devastated by the loss my immediate thought was Wanda. Was she okay? Where is she? But I knew it all had to wait for after the battle against Thanos. I saw Wanda many times on the battlefield and tried to go to her but each time she would move away from me.

After the battle I sat in front of Tony Stark. The many who had been like another sibling to me for years. He was gone. I held Peter's crying figures in my arms that day as he cried for his mentor. Yet another family member had been taken from both of us.

Tony’s funeral is the last time I’ve seen Wanda. The last time I held her in my arms and the last time I was held in hers. I was told she stole Vision's body and had taken over a town called Westview to create her Perfect family. 

I was devastated at hearing this. First my sister dies, then Tony, and now Wanda has run off with the corpse of a man she had always reassured me she never liked. 

So I moved. I stayed in the compound as I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Natasha's room had become a safe haven along with the gray tabby.. A little gray tabby that enjoyed cuddles. Cinder was her name and she was the one thing that was currently keeping me grounded.

That was until Wanda came bursting through my front door with rain dripping down her body. A Pained expression on her face as she held her side. We both said nothing as I moved to quickly inspect her injury and when I saw it was just a couple of bruised ribs I let out a sigh of relief.

She was the one that talked first. She told me of Westview and how a woman named Agatha Harkness came for her magic and that's how she got the bruises. She told me of her boys, Tommy and Billy, and how they were the perfect kids. I listened silently as my ex Fiance told me all about the fantasy life she had created with a Robot. And I said nothing as she told me that she missed me. Nothing as she told me why she did it. And once again Nothing as she told me of the countless nights she spent with the man I had always been insecure about.

“So I just came to say that it would work out better if you stopped loving me. I’ve done so many things to hurt you. I cheated on you for two years. So please forget me.”

“So I'm not allowed to love you anymore?” I asked with my head turned away from wanda. Ever since Westview was created and she chose vision instead of me we had been arguing non stop.

“That's not what I'm saying!” I look at Wanda with a stone face not wanting to show her how much she's hurting me.

“Really? Because I believe the words ‘it would work out better if you stopped loving me’ mean that.” Wanda looks at me annoyed before she speaks

“I'm just saying it would be easier”

“For who? Me or you” the silence from wanda is all the information I need. With a scoff I pick up my bag before walking to the front door. 

“Knowing that you chose a robot over your fiance really says a lot about you Wanda. You created a whole life with someone you had claimed to barely know while I was grieving the death of my sister. And when it all came crashing down you run back to me. I don't want that. I don't want you. I stopped loving you as soon as you ran into his arms” as i exited the place that had once been my home the tears had finally started to fall. Although they weren't out of sadness.

I was free. Finally free…or that's what I thought 4 months ago. 

Until suddenly Wanda was trying to kill a child for her magic. Until Dr. Strange came to my door asking for help. And Until I found out our destinies would forever be linked.

Taglist: @alexawynters @username23345 @casquinhaa

[magical-girl-coral]

I felt bad for the angst yesterday. Here's part 2

"I'm-I'm aromatic," Adaine stuttered, her face clouded by her bangs. "It means I can't feel romantic feelings or understand them very well. I-I know you want something more real, something that matters, so if you think we should break up, I comele-I completely understand." Oisin was silent, his gaze never leaving her face. Something about it soften in a way that made Adaine's heart ache. "Will you still laugh at my jokes and cry with my grief?" Adaine's head shot up. "What?" "If we stay together, will you still laugh at my jokes and cry when I grieve?" She blinked at him. "Of course." "Will you still dance with me in the kitchen when we're alone, do the dishes while I dust the shelves, and grab me a coffee when you visit our favorite cafe?" "Of course." "Will you allow me to take care of you when you're sick, comfort you when you're in pain, and support you in all your incredible adventures?" "Of course!" "Then why should I mind it if you can't love me in a way that others declared is the only way that matters?" Adaine's jaw dropped open. She took one deep breath, then another, and burst into tears. Oisin gathered her into his arms, swaying her from side to side in a way she told him she found comforting when she thought he wasn't listening to her. Adaine should have known better. Of course he'd always listen. He's her partner, after all.

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

[piercedddriver]

Ok With It

This is a little angsty fic with the Obey Me brothers inspired by the song OK With It by Lyn Lapid

T/W: mentions of suicidal implications, Leviathan being autistic and stimming, self-starving, guilt, sexual implications in Lucifer and Asmo’s parts. Gender neutral reader (No pronouns used), PTSD, trauma response, angst

We live in other dimensions

We both saw it coming

——

Beel rolled over for the umpteenth time that night as he thought about you. Where were you? Where did you go? Did you miss him? Did you miss any of them? He sighed and rolled over again, his eyes meeting Belphegor’s.

“You okay Beel?”

Beel shook his head and hugged the plushie you had given him after a Fangol game. Belphie gave him a sad look before trudging over to his own bed.

Beel knew one day you would disappear from his life, but not now.

Not like this.

We used to sleep on our mobiles

Now we’re barely calling

——

Checking his DDD for the hundredth time he sighed, seeing no signs of hearing from you. Leaving the dining table, the brothers looked at Beel with concern. He hadn’t been eating lately and had lost a lot of weight.

Asmodeus followed him to the gym where Beel put in his headphones and listened to voicemails you had left over time. Running on the treadmill with tears streaming down his cheeks. He never had the heart to delete your messages and now he was glad didn’t. Beel watched Asmo leave from the corner of his eye, but couldn’t bring himself to care. Why should he anyways? Every time he cares about someone they leave.

First Lillith now you…

Beel shook the thoughts away and replaced them with memories of watching you fall asleep over FaceTime, ignoring the pain in his chest.

I haven’t been worried about where you’ve been

Who you’ve been talking with

——

Levi was even more shut-in than before, completely blocking out the world along with his brothers.

At first he stressed everyday over where you could’ve gone. He worried and cried until he physically became sick. It wasn’t until he woke up from a feverish haze he realized you were likely never coming back. After that, he worried less, and grieved more.

His Henry, the only one who really understood him, gone, without a single trace.

Levi stopped caring who he associated with and began to shut down. He locked himself in his room and hasn’t left since.

Lucifer, ever so diligent about the wellbeing of his brothers, would leave meals outside Levi’s door. His heart warming when he saw a clean plate the next day, but shattering when he saw the days it wasn’t moved or paid any mind to.

We’re growing dissonant

Finish line’s imminent and

Inevitably, you’ll surely forget me

——

Levi’s DDD had over a hundred missed messages from his brothers. Hell, even Diavolo tried reaching out to him, but nothing worked. Levi was spiraling. The one he could rant to, stim to, and generally just talk to was now gone. He was growing tired of the grief, tired of the pain, tired of the uncertainty.

Levi stared at the “you died” screen on his computer not even registering he died until his teammates were yelling at him through his headset. He turned off the chat and stared at the screen. Suddenly, death didn’t seem so bad anymore.. after all, surely you’d have forgotten a worthless otaku like him by now, right..?

It’s the end and I’m okay with it

Seasons shift

They’re always changing and

——

Lucifer stared at the paperwork on his desk not registering Diavolo’s voice.

“Don’t you think so Lucifer?”

What? Did he miss something?

“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?”

Lucifer shook his head and laughed, almost humored at the situation. He finally grew to know you, to respect you, to love you. But you were gone now. When was the last time he allowed himself to be vulnerable like that? Was it.. Lillith? Maybe.. Simeon? No.. it was him it was always him. He thought looking up at the redhead at the other side of his office. Maybe.. it was time for Lucifer to let go of you. Perhaps, the feeling he felt were never meant to be after all..

We’ll be sad

Through the summer

Start again with different lovers

——

The first summer without you was hard on Lucifer. No midnight rooftop visits, no early morning coffee runs before walking through the parks. He found himself grieving more than he ever had before. Even falling from grace hadn’t affected him this badly. How many nights had he cried himself to sleep away from the prying eyes of his brothers? How many nights had he vomited at the thought of you happy with someone else? How many nights did he go to that one person for comfort.

Lucifer looked over on his bed, your side now occupied with the Devildom’s young prince.

How many nights had he tried to take the pain away through someone else? No. That was enough. It was time to move on from you for good.

Lucifer stood from his position on his side of the bed and walked over to the sleeping prince, shaking him awake gently.

“Diavolo, you need to leave before my brothers wake. They can’t know about us just yet..”

Know the thought can be menacing

Waking up when you’re not next to me

——

Mammon groaned as he stretched on his too-large bed. He had upsized it to accommodate the both of you, but now that you were gone it felt painfully empty. He rubbed his eyes trying to ignore the deep bags under them. When had he last slept well? Days? Weeks? Hell if he knew..

Nightmares plagued Mammon every night since you disappeared.

He was your first man, he was supposed to protect you, and yet, he couldn’t even save you from this unknown fate you had suffered.

Mammon looked over to the empty side of the bed and felt chills run down his spine at the thought of you being in bed with someone else. He shook it off and got up to start his day.

It’s for the best

We’ve been cavin’

It’s the end and I’m okay with it

And I’m okay with it

——

Mammon paused when he saw one of your doodles in his Devildom History notebook. He quickly tore the page out and crumpled it throwing it away. He couldn’t think of you now, not after how far he’d come with accepting your disappearance. You being gone was for the best. At least, he tried to tell himself that. He tried to ignore his already terrible grades worsening, he tried to ignore the feeling in his stomach whenever your name was mentioned, he tried. Really, he did. So why was it so hard?

It’s not like it matters anymore. Nobody knew where you were, and nobody cared when they saw Mammon digging through the trash looking for a certain discarded doodle.

We could be living like one day

We’ll be reunited

And promise that we’ll stay in touch

But we know we’d be lyin’

——

Satan’s wrath was unchecked, nobody dared to even come within 100 feet of him. So what if he went through millennium of anger management? It’s not like it mattered anymore. He checked his DDD everyday hoping for a sign of reconnection, only to have his efforts met with nothing. He called, texted, emailed, but to no avail. You were gone.

He was angry.

No, he was hurt.

Your promised him. You promised him you’d always be in tough no matter what happened. But you broke your promise.. and all he had left was a mere picture on his dresser.

Why be at odds with our sanity

By arguing with reality?

——

Satan was losing himself. Every day he regressed further away from who he had been and progressed towards who he was when he first was created. He was slowly going crazy.. just where where you? You were gone. He knew that, he really did. Yet, somehow he couldn’t help but sit in your room every night, holding the book you two were reading and waiting for you to come home and continue the story with him.

It’s the end and I’m okay with it

Seasons shift

They’re always changing and

——

Asmo didn’t sulk.

Asmo didn’t cry.

Asmo didn’t show any signs of grief. Anyone who didn’t know him would say you meant nothing to him.. only those close to him saw the impact you left. “Those” mainly being Solomon. Solomon saw it, he felt it, he’ll, he even heard it. But through everything, he said nothing. He couldn’t. He couldn’t risk changing the future, not even for Asmodeus.

We’ll be sad

Through the summer

Start again with different lovers

——

It was hard to notice Asmo’s slight changes. In fact, Lucifer was the only to notice for a long time. Lucifer was the only to notice the small eye bags, the lessened amount of makeup, the chipped nail polish. It was Lucifer who heard Asmo crying himself to sleep at night, and Lucifer who comforted his younger brother when things got too painful to handle alone. Thus, Asmodeus followed his brother’s example. He let his sin get ahold of him and began spending nights with strangers to chase away the ache in his heart.

Know the thought can be menacing

Waking up when you’re not next to me

——

Belphie yawned and sat up after a long nap. His stomach cramped and he winced. When had he last eaten? It didn’t matter..

He looked over at him twin who was sleeping with tears staining his cheeks and ginger hair matted to his head. Belphie smiled, knowing this is the first night of sleep Beel had gotten in weeks, but internally sobbed at the loss of you not being there to fall asleep with them. He hated humans. Hated them.

He told himself that for millennia, but then you came along.. And, oh.. Oh how he loved you. At first he told himself that if he trusted humans he would be betraying Lillith, and Lillith was very dear to him. But dearer than you..?

No.. not even close.

It’s for the best

We’ve been cavin’

It’s the end and I’m okay with it

And I’m okay with it

——

Months went by and Belphie convinced himself he was fine.

Sleepless nights weren’t caused by you.. of course not. His pillow wasn’t cold enough, that’s all. The nightmares..? Trauma response from Lucifer. It was all Lucifer’s fault. Lucifer should’ve protected you. Lucifer failed you, not him.

Not him.

Then again… he killed you before. Right? What if he did it again? What if… this was for the best? He couldn’t hurt you anymore. No one could.

Belphie told himself this every night, and yet, he still wished you were there with him.

@l3viat8an @obeymeluv @obeymeimaginesandasks @asmosmainhoe

[docholligay]

The best thing about this episode is the way it plays out the unique pain of grieving someone you do not love. Or worse maybe even, someone you did love, once but they disappointed you so intensely that all you can feel is rage and despair.

Bojack actually doesn't have to be giving this eulogy at all. That's not a requirement. There's no rule that says you have to have any kind of funeral at all.

But he does. And he keeps going on, even after he says that he has nothing more to say about his mother. Because he does. He has so much more to say, and there is no other place in his life where he will ever just be allowed to talk about his mother and the way he felt about her, outside of the therapy that he is absolutely not going to go to.

Complicated grief is an interesting thing, and for my money it's harder than "normal" grief (if grief is ever really normal) and that's why this is one of my favorite episodes of anything ever, is I'm not sure I've ever seen it dealt with where the emotions are so much more than just sorrow. Sorrow isn't easy, but it is simple.

But, what Bojack goes into, is anger, and disappointment.

It starts with him continuing to joke, with telling his mom to knock once if she's proud of him, and him saying how nice it is to be in a room with his mother and just be able to talk without her telling him to shut up. It's this knife tip, just working its way out of Bojack's mouth, and the jokes keep coming, but they are less funny and more this weaponized humor.

Then even that breaks down, and he starts to realize what the problem was, what the problem has always been. Even while he's realizing that he is perpetuating this same set of problems, he's thinking about the grand gesture. And how Tv convinced him that someday, he would see the one thing that let him know his parents loved him.

But it's the consistency. I love the way here, he basically yells at the coffin.

To love someone who has consistently disappointed you, to be joined with them, and the rage that comes out of that, it's so real. And Bojack can't even look at his parents and say, 'You tried" because they didn't. They didn't try even one day in their lives. Not with him. But there are so many people in our lives we allow to disappoint us over and over again, and when they die, or leave your life completely, you have this realization, that, they were never ever what you needed. You convinced yourself that maybe someday they would be, but they were never going to be, maybe they even couldn't, and then YOU feel like the fucking idiot. For wanting it. For thinking that it could happen. And then we're all Bojack here, yelling at a dead body, and it's worse than pointless, and that is part of the complication of this grief, is, not only is it not going to get any better, but you can't even offload it back onto that person. You have to swallow your role and their role in it all, forever.

And then we come back to that "Knock once." asking her if she loved him and wanted him to know that he made her life a little brighter. He knows she won't knock, he knows she can't respond. It's still a joke but it's a joke he's playing on himself.

This anger, that she was never going to be the mother he needed, comes around at the end in some of the best stuff, and this is the kind of stuff that gets it so right that it causes me physical pain.

The worst part, of someone dying, that you have a difficult relationship with, is that it will never get better. Someone disappoints you, and they disappoint you more, but then someday, they die, and they can never ever get better. They can never turn it around and they can never make it right. "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “BoJack Horseman, I see you." WHile someone is alive, they could always get better. At one point in my life, I was a selfish, mean-spirited person who spent my days doing whatever I wanted and my nights drunk, and doing whatever I wanted. I didn't do anything that would put me out. I got better, because I lived long enough to pull my head out of my ass.

But when someone doesn't do that. When you wait for them to have some epiphany, and hold out their hand, and do better, and then suddenly, they can't, and, everything is going to be stuck, the way it is. It is the death of possibility that makes this sort of complicated grief so painful. Someone who was wonderful dies, you miss what they were, but someone difficult dies, you miss who they could have been, and that's so impossible to describe to someone that I had never seen it well done, before this episode.

[secretdestinypainter]

Healing up with my broken heart:

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

A long long time ago one of my closest friends Emily, went through a very terrible life experiencing a relationship, I Emily, went through my last breakup a few years ago. I thought I had paid my dues, cried my share of tears, and dealt with some deep wounds. I thought I was done. I was happy and in love, and talking about moving in with my friend.

One day we took a little vacation. We laughed and explored the desert excitedly talking about our dreams. Three days later I found myself sobbing on the floor of my tub, hot steam clouding around me.

Our breakup was quite beautiful aside from the shock and confusion. We looked into each other’s eyes. We smiled. We cried. We held each other. We said goodbye.

It might sound like we handled this well, and in many ways we did. We always respected one another. We never said anything hurtful or manipulative. I think that shows how much we loved and cared for one another.

But I was still a mess, deeply heartbroken and deeply depressed. It was the deepest depression I’d ever been in. I could do little more than cry and stare at the ceiling. Nothing in me wanted to stay in bed and nothing in me wanted to get out. It felt like torturous limbo with a crushing weight on my chest.

My mind couldn’t comprehend a day when I wouldn’t feel like this. Each night I fell asleep I prayed the morning would be different. But each day I woke up with a pang in my stomach and a heaviness in my heart.

Until one day I didn’t.

It wasn’t a miracle. My pain didn’t disappear in my sleep. But I started to feel better. The first day I was able to eat a little more. The next day I found myself laughing with a friend. I slowly started to be able to sleep longer hours and function more clearly. It was a snail’s pace, but it was progress.

If you’re going through a breakup right now the truth is that it will get better.

I needed to hear this over and over again from other people. When the pain is so intense it takes over everything. It’s very difficult to believe anything will change. I would call my mom in the mornings sobbing into the phone, “It still hurts. It’s not getting any better. Why does it still hurt?”

It’s supposed to hurt. Your heart is broken. You loved deeply, and now it’s over. One side of the coin is that endings are really sad. The other side is that endings are opportunities for new beginnings, and that’s really exciting, even if you can’t feel the excitement right now.

It was difficult for me to see that I was making any progress so I documented my days over those weeks. I found that there were five key things that helped me begin to heal:

I felt all the feelings.

I took advantage of my support system.

I gave myself love and compassion.

I took responsibility for my life.

I focused on me instead of him.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to allow yourself to grieve when your heart is broken.

Our bodies are intelligent. They can hold trauma for a lifetime. When we sob so deeply our chests heave and the tears fly out, our bodies are purging the pain. Allow this to happen. I was so tired of crying, but I would keep on doing it as I needed. I actually cried a little a few hours ago. It lessens. The pain lessens. I assure you this.

There were two or three people who were my everything during my lowest low. I used their support to get me through all of the times when I just wanted to give up on my life. I talked things through incessantly, something that can help us come to terms with the situation. Our minds need to process the change, especially if it was traumatic or sudden.

It’s really important that these are people who understand you, who are capable of being there for you in this way, and who are nonjudgmental. Someone who is going to say to you, “Honey, I am so sorry you feel like this. My heart breaks for you.” Not all of our friends and family are capable of taking on that role, and that’s okay. You just need one or two.

Through these first two steps I started to gain my own strength and identity back. I got to a point where I knew that only I could pull myself up out of it. I had enough moments of clarity through my pain that I was able to see what I needed to do for myself, and I gave myself so much love.

I honored myself and acknowledged that my heart was broken. I didn’t judge myself for being weak or stress out about being low functioning. I just let myself fall into my own arms.

I treated myself like my own daughter. I asked how I was feeling and listened to the response with compassion. I kept telling myself, “I am here for you. I am always here for you.” This type of love for myself helped the pain dissipate. It helped me to feel worthy of life again.

I am also someone, probably very similar to you, who is always looking to better myself. Nothing in life is isolated—we’re all connected and affected by one another, so I knew there were deep things about myself to look at.

Instead of focusing on my ex and why he left, I began to look at myself. I questioned what I was doing in my life that left me in relationships where men chronically abandoned me.

I didn’t put pressure on myself to figure it all out, but I allowed the question to be there. I invited the answers to come in as they needed to. I knew that whatever was most obvious was probably not the full picture — and it wasn’t.

Through a candid conversation with a very close friend, I began to discover some of my deepest fears. I realized that when I get very close to people I become afraid I will lose them, something that occurred repeatedly in my childhood.

When someone I was close to share a different perspective than mine, on some deep unconscious level I became threatened, and terrified this was the beginning of the end for us. Ironically, my fears of abandonment contributed to my relationship ending.

This kind of revelation is liberating when there is a lack of clarity in a breakup. I saw myself so much more clearly, and then I looked at the relationship from my ex’s perspective. I saw my newfound self through his eyes, and I understood how he felt. It all made sense.

One of the most important things I did that allowed me to heal was to focus on myself each time I thought of him.

This is especially true if you are not the one who wants to break up. I didn’t reach out to him at all. I gave us each space. I knew seeing him show up on social media would increase the pain so I used all my willpower to stay focused on myself. If I felt the urge to check up on him I reminded myself that I didn’t need to feel any more pain. This was enough.

I think now as a mature adult wouldn’t allow any wrong person to destroy my happiness, my success, and most importantly, my peace of mind. Loving somebody perfect is the best thing we can have and it is the best thing that could happen. But with someone who tried to ruin your abilities is not the right one. Girls you are the strongest creatures and the most valuable persons who exist, don’t let anyone bring you down or let your happiness be destroyed. Take a minute and think about who is the right one for you, more power to you guys.

[purgemarchlockdown]

Milgram and The Rose Bride

(CWs: Child Abuse, Cults, Unhealthy Relationships, Bullying, Sexism, Discussions of Ownership in the context of Marriage, minor mentions of sexual abuse and minor mentions of sexual abuse in relation to Minors)

(Spoilers for Utena!)

Alright so, since I'm putting this on the Milgram blog, most likely most people who see this don't know what the Rose Bride is and what that means so lets answer that question.

The Rose Bride is a concept in the 90s Psychological Shoujo Anime Revolutionary Girl Utena, in which the main premise is that a bunch of highschoolers are dueling for marriage (ownership) of the Rose Bride so that they can revolutionize the world.

Now, the thing is, The Rose Bride is a Real Person, and the implications of her ownership and the environment that Allows for that to happen are explored through the series, and the reason why I'm bringing it up in relation to Milgram is this.

"In the end, all girls are the rose bride."

Let's talk about Mahiru for a bit since her being so focused on romantic love makes it a lot easier to explain what I mean by this.

In T1 we get this interrogation from Mahiru:

T1Q20: What do you think about smoking? I've never smoked before, but I might copy him if who I love smokes.

This is a deeply concerning sentence, Mahiru has just stated that she is willing to do something incredibly physical destructive to herself if the person she loves is doing the same. This connects back to her thoughts on having "matching love."

We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad This is a claim of responsibility From the two of us with matching love

Now, the Rose Bride has to anything the person who is engaged to her tells her to do. The Rose Bride is not allowed any sort of Autonomy or Agency.

(Transcript Link for Utena Scripts)

Touga:  The Rose Bride, cooking? Touga:  You shouldn't do such things as cooking. Touga:  You should only take care of the roses here. Touga:  This birdcage is your territory. Touga:  And you are the beautiful little bird which lives here. Touga:  I want to possess this birdcage, and everything in it.

Touga:  Himemiya Anthy is the Bride of the victor of the Duel. Touga:  While she was engaged to you, the Code required her to obey you.

I Love You:

What am I supposed to do now? If you won’t tell me, I can’t be me

Mahiru is also probably the most traditionally feminine out of the entire female cast. With her priorities being love, romance, and having children.

(Mahiru Interrogation)

T2Q1: What's your opinion on Marriage? Mahiru: It's something I really dream of.

T2Q10: Do you like children? Mahiru: Yup. I always dreamed of having the older being a girl, and the younger being a boy.

Mahiru is willing to do Anything for love, even if it gets her hurt in the process. That's what she's Supposed to want, that's what is Supposed to bring her joy, that's what is Supposed to bring everyone joy. (Mahiru T1 VD)

Es: I honestly have no interest in those matters.  Mahiru: What? No, no. There’s no such thing as that. Being in love is like a landmine. It’ll explode someday, you know? The only thing that differs is whether it happens earlier or later in life. It’ll happen to you too. Even if you don’t have any interest in it now, one day it’ll explode for you as well. All because you’ll have that fateful encounter with your special someone.

Love is what Everyone Wants and if you say you Don't you just haven't found the right person.

Mahiru: Yeah, yeah. You’ll deny it at first. I mean, I was like that as well. Before then, I always admired soap operas and shoujo manga because I thought that they depicted a world different from our own. 

Voice:  Once upon a time... Voice:  ...there was a princess grieving over the deaths of her mother and father. Voice:  Before this princess appeared a prince traveling upon a white horse. Voice:  His appearance gallant, and his smile gentle, the prince enveloped the princess

The amatonormativity in Mahiru's worldview is clear. People are Supposed to fall in love and have the Normal Idealized Heterosexual Romance and there's Nothing Else Outside of That At All.

Mahiru: Yeah, yeah. You’ll deny it at first. I mean, I was like that as well.

Anthy:  But I've been engaged to you, Utena-sama. Utena:  I've told you to stop mentioning stuff like "engagement" and the "Rose Bride." Anthy:  Nevertheless... Utena:  Look, no matter how you look at me, I'm a regular wholesome girl. Utena:  I'm only interested in wholesome boys, not a bride or stuff like that.

And Mahiru does a lot to preserve a "marketable" quality to her actions and behavior. TIHTBILWY is formatted like a magazine, something that is sold and bought by consumers. Erasing the messiness of her relationship or even Romanticizing those qualities to seem appealing.

Giving you love to the point of pulling you down It's just because I still get worried, please forgive me Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual, Is because I love you

Voice:  but because of the strength of her admiration for the prince, Voice:  the princess made up her mind to become a prince herself! Voice:  But is that really good for her?

The story of the Prince in Utena is one that is a fabrication, it hides and excludes multiple Very Important parts of the story all in the favor of portraying the Ideal Fairytale Heterosexual Romance.

Unlike Utena who chooses to become a "Prince" (which is a concept I'll get into in a bit.) Mahiru is trying to make Herself the Rose Bride. She orientates her life around who she loves, she's willing to accept a lot of abuse for the sake of an Ideal Relationship, she even actively downplays her intelligence and strength! Something that is explored in detail by this post by archivalofsins you should check out.

Now that isn't to say Mahiru isn't a horrible partner. She is, and this is why. Mahiru is Expecting this sort of incredibly idealistic fairytale romance from her partner, an ideal that no person can possibly live up to without harming the people they care about and themselves!

Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let's just overheat together The things that I only want to say to you, and the things that I want from you Is love

My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!

You can't live up to this and you shouldn't want to! It's an unrealistic and unachievable ideal with a horrific power imbalance to boot! Yet Mahiru is Trying to conform to these ideals, trying to conform to the unrealistic expectations of women and relationships in society, and that's why she's here in the first place.

"He who believes friendship exists is a fool."

So these toxic and unhealthy ideals and expectations are at the core of Mahiru's character and her situation. But there ideals are perpetuated by an environment that promotes this sort of behavior, one that isn't unique to Mahiru's situation.

Muu Kusunoki is a 16 year old teenage girl who is both a victim of bullying and someone who bullies others for her own gain.

She also might of had a homoromantic relationship with her murder victim.

Let’s meet up inside the pain, a place just for me Postmortem makeup to hide my heart, how to solve it is a secret The stabbing of the little devil’s voice, counterattack being a suicide note “I love YOU”

I wonder who that reminds me of.

I'll get into Shiori in a second, but it's important to note that Muu introduces a concept that's present in Mahiru's story but is particularly present in Muu, the concept of the cycle.

Saionji:  No... I was to be the one to rescue her from the coffin this time. Saionji:  No! I am the one who will save her this time. The castle said to contain eternity... Saionji:  the power to revolutionize the world...

The concept of eternity and nostalgia in Utena tends to be depicted as a coffin, one you need to break out of to grow.

Touga:  If the egg's shell does not break, the chick will die without being born. Touga:  We are the chick; the egg is the world. Touga:  If the world's shell does not break, we will die without being born. Touga:  Break the world's shell! Touga-Juri:  For the sake of revolutionizing the world!

The duelists want the Rose Bride so that they can gain the power to revolutionize the world. Who she is does not Matter as much as what she can Give Them.

Now, this idea is particularly present in characters like Shidou and Kotoko who position themselves as saviors, not for the benefit of others but for what they Get out of that arrangement, thematically fitting the concept of the prince.

However, Muu is not the prince, she is not a savior. In fact she always positions herself as the victim, as someone pitiful and weak. (Crying B)

Muu: Hey… Prison guard, when you say “I”… Who are you talking about? Es: [breaking down]  Muu: Prison guard? Es: [stumbles]  Muu: Prison guard. What’s wrong? Prison guard! [shakes Es] Hey! Prison guard! Es: Shut up! Don’t touch me! Muu: [cries] You’re so cruel… I… Even though I was just worried about you… [cries again] I can’t take it anymore. I hate you, prison guard! 

Es pain and breakdown is caused by something Muu said, and yet when Es very sharply tells her not to touch them because their uncomfortable with it. Muu immediately starts crying and talking about how much They got hurt because of what they did, when Es is currently unresponsive due to what she did to them, albeit unintentionally.

Muu needs to to be the victim, After Pain shows all the bad things that happened to her and not Any of the bullying she participated in. It's Not My Fault is a whole song about how everything she did was right actually and that everyone else was wrong.

Now, Muu isn't a master manipulator or anything. She's an impulsive 16 year old. If Muu was a master manipulator she wouldn't be here, would she? She'd be still in school taking the honey up as she was before Rei did whatever she did.

Muu gains power by being pitiful and weak so she'll be loved, and by its' very nature it's self-destructive. She cannot be Happy because if she Was this wouldn't work anymore. She Must be in a worse situation, she must be the victim, or else no one would pity and love her.

I am innocent as everybody desires

Juri: You're just like Shiori... Juri: ...cruelly innocent.

Muu cycles from being "weak and pitiful" to being "queenly and powerful" and tends to hurt herself in the process. This attempt at grabbing power and love through pity Harms Muu, and she seems to even be drowning in a lot of self-hatred and self-pity, and is looking for external validation to confirm that she's "good."

But I guess some of it is my faultMaybe it’s ok as it is I want to feel “alive”, is it ok if I breathe?

Hey, what if If I am a bad girl Don’t hate me. Don’t even try to proof from “After Pain”

And, in an attempt to gain power and control, Muu traps herself in a coffin.

Shiori: This is me, the real me! Shiori: And not the underdog that was living a miserable life in the shadow of the bright shining Juri! Shiori: The real me that surpasses the light. Shiori: Yes, this is the me that controls Juri.

But, it isn't all her fault.

Again, Muu really was bullied, horribly so if were judging by her lyrics in After Pain and the sequences we see in it.

If I was gone, If I had just disappeared I overheard, I found out How much I’m not needed

T1Q4: Is there something you hate? Scary people and ghosts. And right now, school.

Muu isn't lying about this, and Rei isn't fully sympathetic either, she did Hurt Muu and Muu really did want to apologize to her.

T1Q9: Do you have apologetic feelings for who you killed? A: The person who did the wrong thing first should apologize.

Shiori: Juri-san was so kind to me. Shiori: But I thought she was kind to me because she looked down on me, Shiori: and that she had pity on me for being plain and useless. Shiori: That's pathetic! Shiori: So I wanted to change my relationship with Juri-san. Shiori: But what I did with him made me more miserable than before. Shiori: I should have wanted it for myself! Shiori: But now... Shiori: Now I'm on equal terms with her. No, I've won! Shiori: I always had a place in Juri-san's heart. Shiori: I'm the winner! Shiori: What shall I do? I'm so delighted to know my friend's secret I almost can't bear it! Shiori: She suffered alone, looking at my picture in secret... Shiori: That was Juri-san? Poor thing! Shiori: No good! It's still no good! Shiori: How could you look at me like that?!Shiori: Why did it all turn out this way?

The school as a whole is letting a horrible environment of bullying and toxicity be left to rot and fester. You Really Can't create a healthy friendship in a world like that, it just won't let you. If your not friends with someone because you gain something from them, you'll suffer.

Muu: Wow, poor thing,.. I’ll teach you! Friends aren’t like that, you know. Rather than using each other for something, we just get along because we’re comfortable around each other. That’s all. Es: Well, I’m sorry about that. Muu: Haruka-kun is really nice! He accepts anything I say, he listens to anything I tell him. For me, that’s really comfortable. Es: And that’s… “friendship”? Muu: What do you mean? Of course we’re friends! Haruka-kun is happy with it, so it only has benefits for both of us! Es: I, as someone who has no friends, can’t judge, of course, but isn’t that just exploitation? Muu: Exploitation…? Um, I don’t really understand, but… I do help him pick out clothes [in return], and I recently gave him a hairpin I didn’t need anymore as a hand-me-down!

Akio:  But sincerity by itself changes nothing. Akio:  Without power, one finds themself merely depending on others to live.

Jackalope describes this relationship as a "Master-Servant" relationship and it seems like this is the type of friendship Muu is familiar with. She's emulating how her friendships were in school, just with someone else as the servant and her as the master.

T1Q1: What is a friend? A: Someone who properly listens to what I say.

Now this doesn't completely absolve her obviously, what she did was still Very Bad and even though she Breaks the hourglass in her MVs. She doesn't really leave it.

Muu does not want to accept responsibility for her actions, she believes herself to be justified and in the right, even when she has Done Wrong.

This unwillingness to accept when something she did is wrong and the unhealthy environment of Milgram that assigns strict moral value to people's actions and has no nuance in its judgement...leads her back into the cycle she was trapped in.

“A girl who cannot become a princess is doomed to become a witch.”

Now we've tackled the gender roles and horribly toxic cycles and ideals, so, what happens when you Can't work within those confines, or even want to break out of them? Just, hypothetically, if you cannot become a princess (which is everyone because the ideal of a princess is so incredibly unrealistic that anyone who aspires to be it would destroy themselves in the process) or Don't want to be a princess, what happens?

Well.

You become something Other.

Something Evil and Unnatural.

Something that needs to be Punished and Harmed.

So, now, this is where I have to mention that Utena as a show deals with underage sexual abuse, I didn't mention this for the other sections since they were not as relevant to those discussions. However since this section deals with the abuse received by the Rose Bride it feels important to mention.

I will not be referring to it in the context of Amane's due to how we don't have information in the text pointing to Amane being a csa victim. This is for the sake of Tact, as it feels wrong to speculate about it here and I do not feel like I'm the right person to examine this.

It will, again, be mentioned and alluded to, so stay safe and do what's good for your health.

So, Amane Momose is repeatedly dehumanized throughout her story.

This is a consistent theme with her, she is treated as something subhuman and terrifying.

In Purge March, Amane is consistently depicted as scary, threatening, or otherwise evil.

There's even a section in her T2 VD where Amane calls herself "evil," though it is done in a roundabout way while she's talking about Shidou (who I will get to in a bit.)

A: Both pain and illness are trials. According to our teachings, those who run from them are the worst evil there is. That’s one of the four great principles. No matter who you are, that cannot be forgiven. E: What are you…? A: Oh – speaking of which, there is one among the prisoners right now. An evil existence that’s trying to steal people’s trials away from them.

Shadow:  The witch roams this world of darkness even now. Shadow:  Seeking the young and noble, to sacrifice them anew! Shadow:  Surely the light presents an obstacle to the witch, to her dominion over the dark. Shadow:  Beware! Beware! She is still somewhere in this world...

Not only that, but Amane is The Cat, a symbol constantly associated with sin and impurity throughout the MVs with Kazui and Yuno.

And is implied to have actually Been asked if she was human by her parents.

(Amane T1 VD)

Amane: Yes. It is only natural for a person(/human) to apologize to another for breaking a promise. Es: … Amane: Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?

I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah!

Amane is not to be considered human, she's even collared and leashed in her Prisoner design, the medal and bow on her outfits in the MVs being another "collar" of sorts.

Amane Needs to be Restrained and Domesticated or else she'll bring harm to the people around her. She isn't good enough to be a "good girl" and seems to Know This.

Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl

It's always "I can be a better girl" or "I can be a good girl" and not "I am a good girl," and the line above implies its impossible for her to be one. It's not something she can do.

When she gets punished by her parents its to make her a "better girl," and to "change" her into a "good girl." It is love, for they are not leaving her to die as an animal.

(Amane Interrogations)

T2Q9: What does love mean to you? A: To spread mercy with no limits.

But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love I can really think it’s great. See isn’t it a great thing?

Even though these punishments keep on Almost Killing Her!

It's what she needs to go through to be good! And even if she doesn't even believe its possibly anymore what else can she do? Run? Running away from trials is a sin! One of the worst there is! She can't allow herself to be more sullied than she already is.

Plus she knows this is love, she isn't scared anymore, it's childish to be scared of it.

Akio:  A child like you can't appreciate my ideals. Akio:  The Rose Bride exists because of ideals you don't comprehend.

Plus there's a sort of comfort in it, she knows what happens next. She idealizes Milgram somewhat in T1, believing that it's possible for this world, that resembles her abusive environment so much, could be Good.

Amane: Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world! Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!

There's a comfort in Milgram's strict forgiven/unforgiven verdict system with a (theoretical) possibility of growth! And she later takes comfort in the same religious doctrine that Harmed her when Es does declare her as unforgiven.

If your so used to a situation, even if it harms you, why would you ever want to leave it? It's scarier if you leave it, you don't know what will happen next. At least at home, Amane knows what to do so she can get off a bit longer without getting hurt.

If you become a bad girl, monsters will come out This is the magic that stops that from happening

Akio:  Anthy, the sword. Akio:  That's right. You're a good girl, Anthy.

Amane's suffered for twelve or so years, an eternity trapped in a coffin. A cycle of abuse and pain and horror and fear. Why would she Ever want to leave it when what she's seen of the outside world is so horrible?

Amane: In fact, there have been people who said that to me. I’ve been told things like, “You’re being deceived.” “You can still make it right now.” “You’re crazy.”

People are always positioning themselves as stronger than her, people are always positioning themselves as smarter than her, people are always positioning themselves as Her Prince.

Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san. I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself? ……please give me back my test. It seems you don’t have the concentration levels required to be my teacher. I’m going to get Kotoko-san to teach me instead. Shidou: Amane…… I don’t think that’s true. However smart you may be…… you’re still just a child.

Utena:  Cut it out with that "Rose Bride" or "possession" nonsense. Utena:  That girl is an ordinary girl named Himemiya Anthy! Touga:  Is she? Touga:  Is it true that you're an ordinary girl? Utena:  You don't like it, do you? Utena:  Being the Rose Bride or whatever... Anthy:  I... Utena:  Go ahead, speak your mind! Anthy:  My mind... Utena:  Yeah! Utena:  You hate being treated as the Rose Bride, right? Utena:  Tell him clearly! Anthy:  All right. Anthy:  I hate being treated as the Rose Bride. Utena:  What's so funny?

Amane: You are treating me as a child after all. Because I’m a child, you believe that I must have been brainwashed. It’s not like that. I, too— children, too, understand everything! Please don’t just decide that people must be unhappy.

What she wants doesn't matter! When has it ever mattered? The people who say it does, don't like it when she acts in a manner they don't expect and her parents have made it Very Clear that what she does isn't important to them.

Any sort of happiness she could possibly get tends to come from things that are outside of her cult. And because of that, she isn't supposed to have them, and she is wrong for wanting them in the first place.

And yet...Amane cares so much about having free will and autonomy though, it's her main argument in her T1 VD and her biggest problem with her treatment.

Amane: I see. Then, are the things that I as a twelve-year-old think irrelevant? Are you going to cast aside the feelings that I know I have in this very moment, purely based on the fact that I have not yet lived for a very long time? Judging these things based on someone’s age will not take you very far. Do I, at age twelve, not have my own will?

That's the thing with Amane Momose, she doesn't want to be a "princess."

T2Q13: If you could be reborn, would you still choose to be yourself? A: Obviously.

She wants to stay as her, no matter what. In spite of all of this she doesn't want to be anything else But Her. Even if it gets her hurt.

Amane helped the cat because she wanted to, she saw it hurt and couldn't look away.

Utena:  Hey, save her! Utena:  It's too cruel! Utena:  Save her! Utena:  Save her...

And in the eyes of god, she was wrong for doing so.

Dios:  She can no longer be saved.

’Tis ordained, thou shall follow thine destiny

But again, Amane doesn't want to die.

T1Q12: What is the meaning of life? A: I think it is something you learn for the first time when you look behind yourself when it ends. I do not want to have regrets then, so I live on with all my might.

This was the tipping point of her, how much more is she willing to suffer? How much longer is she willing to stay here? Because she will die, it's not an if, its a when.

So, she decides, to break out of her coffin, and while it is partially due to how she was given a righteous reason to kill her mother. It is a crime that is mainly motivated by self-preservation and hatred.

Amane: Furthermore, isn’t it condescending of you to assume that just because I happen to be a child, I am incapable of hating someone enough to kill them?

Unfortunately for her, the audience isn't as willing to accept that.

I talk about it in more detail over here but we are Constantly positioned in the place of her abusers. From framing to her opinions on us, ever since we voted her guilty in T1 for the primary reason of "making her realize her mistakes." we mimic her parents.

Since she cannot become a princess, she becomes a witch, and is forced right back into that cycle she desperately tried to escape.

And Someday, Together, We'll Shine

So, that's a bit of a downer. But even so we have hope!

It's not exactly easy when the system built is so counter-productive to everyone's wellbeing and development that it often makes them worse instead of better.

But Amane has made a promise to live. Muu Does want to have genuine relationships with the people around her. And Mahiru has admitted her relationship wasn't as ideal as she initially thought.

And sometimes, you just need to see a possibility for something outside of all this to be able to get out of it.

Anthy:  What will you be doing in ten years? Utena:  I dunno. But... Anthy:  But? Utena:  But I hope we can be together like this drinking tea then. Anthy:  Yes. I hope so too. Utena:  I'm sure that'll be great. Utena:  Let's have tea and laugh together ten years from now, okay? Utena:  Promise? Anthy:  Yes. Definitely.

[rubydubydoo122]

Jason gets de-aged because I've seen fics of Tim or Dick being de-aged, and Bruce losing his memory, but no one has realized the potential for angst if you de-age Jason.

Turns out, Bruce was taking the day off work, but that just made it that much harder for Jason to sneak into the batcave, with both him and Alfred watching him. They were doing that thing where they were hovering while still giving him space. 

Jason just felt so stupid . You would think with all the random memories popping up, one of them would’ve warned him that his mom was dead— oh wait . One of them did. So really, it was just Jason being dumb. He just really thought he could have a mom again. 

Despite how long it had been since his mami died, he still missed her. Maybe it was because with going from foster home to homeless, to crime house, he never really had time to really grieve her. And with Papi, it kinda felt like he wasn’t allowed to grieve him because Jason had already been living with Bruce for some time. And his Papi was a criminal, but his Dad was Batman. 

Jason barely even knew Sheila Haywood. According to Bruce and Alfred, Jason had only known her for a day. So why did he feel so hurt about this? Why did this grief feel so much deeper than anything else?

Cass somehow practically appeared out of nowhere and handed him a book, “My English is not the best. Can you read to me?”

Jason looked at the cover, “ Pride and Prejudice . This is one of my favorites.”

Cass smiled knowingly, so she probably picked it for that reason. Maybe she didn’t even need him to read to her. Maybe she was doing this for him. Which was honestly really sweet. 

Cass leaned against the arm of the couch, and Jason went to sit on the other side when she opened an arm, “Cuddles too.”

“You make a lot of demands Ma’am.” Though he did lean into her. “Do we do this a lot? Cuddle and read?”

She shook her head, “Not like this. When I’m hurt and come for help, we read.”

“But not smushed up together like this?”

“No. You’re too big.”

Right. He was as big as Bruce. That was kind of weird to think about. 

So Jason opened the book and started reading out loud. 

It was the copy he read out of the most. The spine was worn, not too much, but that perfect amount where you could easily flip the pages. It was a hardback, and there were post-it notes on the pages that his favorite scenes or lines were on. 

Cass would occasionally ask a question about why a character would be doing something, or what a line or phrase meant, and Jason would happily explain. 

Seven chapters in, Jason’s pace of reading was starting to slow down, and his voice was getting hoarse from talking for so long without a pause. 

Jason was tired. He had been tired since this morning, because of his nightmare, and the information he had gathered this morning didn’t make him feel any better. 

Sometime, while he was reading, Bruce had come in and sat on the other end of the couch. Jason did object when Bruce had gently taken the book from him, and started from chapter eight. 

Jason also didn’t object when Cass started carding her hands through his hair. It felt nice. It reminded him of nights when mami’s eyes were clear of influence, and she’d take care of him for the night instead of the other way around. 

Jason let his eyes close, and after a couple minutes Bruce stopped reading. 

“I’m not sleeping, Old man, just resting my eyes.” 

He was definitely just resting his eyes

Cass could feel Jason fully relax and hear his breath deepen. “He’s sleeping now.” 

Bruce had a gaze lingered on Jason. His expression was fond. Reminiscing. Though there was pain too.

“You did good this morning.” Cass made sure to keep her voice quiet. Jason was a light sleeper. He always heard her when she would come into his apartment after patrol.

“How do you know?” It was one question that asked two.

“I know you did good because you spoke what you needed to say. From your heart. You don’t do that often.” Bruce did not know about the blackmail group chat, and he wasn’t allowed to know so Cass wouldn’t tell him about the video Tim had sent of this morning. 

“I was trying not to make him upset, but I ended up making things worse.” Guilt . 

Guilt was always on Bruce’s face whenever he talked about Jason. Guilt, hurt, and grief.

“If you did not tell him about his mom he would be angry. He would go looking for answers. Answers he shouldn’t know. Not like this.” Cass swirled one of Jason’s curls in her fingers, “We have to keep him…” Not happy, because no one could be happy all the time, “We have to protect his light. And you did that. You told him what happened, then you comforted him. It is what he needs. Comfort. So you did well.”

Bruce looked away from Cass, “Jason is probably going to be so angry at me when he’s back to normal. He’s going to hate me for taking advantage of his young state and–”

“No. Not angry. Hurt . He thinks you don’t care about him anymore. When he’s big again, tell him you do. Even though you’re bad at it.” Cass smirked, “Add it to the mission.”

Bruce groaned, “Of course you know about that.” He got up, “I’m going to go back to looking for the sorcerer. If you or Jason need anything…”

Cass smiled, “I know. We’ll come.”

And Bruce gave her a tiny smile back. A smile that said, Thank you. A smile that said I love you. 

Tim had, honest to god, thought Bruce would try his hardest to avoid Jason, so imagine the whiplash he faced when Bruce actually gave Jason a very genuine sounding heart to heart. And a hug . But should he really be surprised? It was Jason.

He knew that when Jason went back to normal it would just cause Bruce even more grief. And that grief would just cause Jason to lash out at Bruce because Jason’s not dead anymore. 

He doesn’t want to deal with the fallout. He couldn’t do that again. Not when he had spent his entire time as Robin dealing with it. He was just so tired of the same cycles over and over again. It’s infuriating. 

Jason needs to step aside from the mantle of angry ex-Robin because Tim could feel himself slowly stepping into that role. Maybe that’s why all of the future versions of himself turned evil. Because he was just done with Batman’s bullshit. 

Tim was going to go back to his apartment after work, but because he had fallen asleep at the batcomputer last night, he still had some work to finish. 

Tim doesn’t know what he was expecting, but he wasn’t expecting to come home to find Cass on the sofa in the living room with Jason napping in her arms.

 He obviously took a picture and sent it in the group chat. All eight of them were in it, so even though they said it was for blackmail purposes, it ended up being something more… sentimental. None of them would admit it though. In their line of work, it’s hard to hang onto the happier things especially with how dark things could get. They've all had near death (or just death) experiences at least once. The pictures made it easier to remember the good times. It made them remember to savor it. 

Jason never responded in the chat, but Tim knew he read through everything . Tim knew he saved every picture posted. 

Maybe Jason wouldn’t like seeing his younger self so close with the rest of them, maybe Jason would see it as emotional manipulation. Tim was pretty sure he was the closest to Jason, and they only talked when their cases overlapped. Though, he hoped that Jason would see it as the rest of them wanting him in their lives. (He wouldn’t, but Tim could hope)  

Cass looked at him with a look that clearly asked what’s up?

Tim’s response look asked how long have you two been here?

Cass lifted up four fingers. So four hours. Or minutes, but four minutes seemed too short of time for Jason to be out like a light.

Tim debated something. The times Jason has physically dragged him around his apartment, or literally thrown him. Tim has tried to drag Jason off his couch before but it’s never worked, but now… Tim wouldn’t get the chance to do this any other time. 

Cass gave him a look that asked what are you doing?

Tim shrugged, and grabbed Jason’s ankles and yanked him to the other side of the couch. 

Jason yelped, and Tim barely had time to dodge a kick, “What gives?!”

“Please, Jason, this is light compared to the things you have done to me.” Tim took Jason’s now vacated spot and curled up next to Cass, “and it’s my turn now.”

Tim could feel Cass smirk. 

Tim was also pretty sure he was about to experience a fist to face, but it never came. There was a light pat on his head, “I’m only allowing this because you’re my baby brother, and I’m hungry, and I want food. Do you guys want anything?”

Tim blinked, “I’m not a baby– I’m not that much younger than you– I’m older than you right now!”

Jason took a blanket out of the shelf and laid it across both him and Cass, “Nope, doesn’t count. Boop!”

Jason booped his nose.  

Tim officially stopped working.

“I’m in the mood for…mm…churros, but Alfred’s probably gonna tell me to eat food first. So what’re you guys in the mood for?”

“Noodles.” Cass answered almost immediately. Was Tim the only one hung up on the fact that Jason booped his nose?

“Like… spaghetti and meatballs or..”

“Stir-fry. You make it spicy. Good.” she lowered her voice, “Better than Alfred.”

Jason laughed, “I don’t think that’s possible, but I’ll try. What time is it? Should I make some for Duke and Damian too? Is anyone allergic to anything?”

“2:43. Yes. No, Damian is vegetarian.”

“Got it!” And Jason skipped off to the kitchen.

Tim looked down at the blanket wrapped around him, and then touched his nose. Ok, it wasn’t out of character for Jason to take care of him. He’s definitely, on more than one occasion, taken care of Tim. It’s just usually, Jason’s really aggressive about it. Grumbling while making food for him, yanking his computer away from him, physically throwing him into his bed after he’s pulled multiple all-nighters. 

It was just weird how gentle Jason was being. Not weird. Different. 

He brought up the security footage from the living room and sent it into the group chat. 

Stephanie replied to a video: NOT THE NOSE BOOP >u<

Duke replied to a video: You really let the intrusive thoughts win when you yanked him by the ankles

Babs replied to a video: AWWWW 

Babs: Sunshine Jason making an appearance was not anywhere on my 2023 bats bingo board

Tim: sunshine jason is scaring me

Tim: this is too ooc 

Dick replied to a video: This is 2 precious

Dick replied to a photo: This is going 2 b my new lockscreen

Stephanie replied to ~Sunshine Jason is scaring…~: Don’t say that about my homie

Tim: jason would say ‘I’m not your Homie’

Stephanie: but sunshine jason wouldn;t

Duke: Steph

Duke: i’m sorry

Duke: but I don’t think sunshine jason likes you because of the picture you took of him tripping in his RedHood uniform 

Stephanie: dwdw I’ll change that

Duke replied to ~This is going to be…~: I thought you just changed it to Damian

Dick: I’ll make a collage

Tim replied to ~This is going to be…~: cass said her and jason were reading before he fell asleep.

Tim: hold up

Tim scrolled back through the footage, but stopped when he realized Bruce was there. Reading to Jason . And Cass, but still. Tim scrolled back a bit farther, and realized that Jason didn’t even have to drag Bruce into doing it. He just did . 

Jason’s back to how he was before he died and Bruce pulls out the love and affection that he apparently just had in his back pocket? That’s not fair . 

No.

It’s not fair for Tim to think like that. Bruce is probably just acting to make sure Jason doesn’t realize he died. Yeah. That's probably it. 

Tim scrolled back further and sent the clip of Cass and Jason reading together, and then stood up. “Ok, I know Jason’s a really good cook, but I feel like we should go watch him considering he’s barely five foot.”

Jason was grabbing some already chopped vegetables out of the fridge. Hopefully Alfred doesn't have plans to use them later. He already had the noodles in the boiling water, but he was going to wait until they were halfway cooked to start cooking the vegetables.

So he started heating up the water, sugar and oil for the churros. 

Jason's pretty sure only Alfred knew this, but Churros are one of his main comfort foods. Especially when he missed his mom. Sure he loved chili-dogs, but those only taste the best from a vendor. And Neapolitan Ice Cream was more like his go-to ice cream flavor. Why choose one when you could have all three? 

Churros reminded him of cold winter days when the heating wouldn’t work properly, and he and Mami would make them to warm up. Mami would always add a little bit of cinnamon and vanilla into the dough. The first time he had made churros with Alfred, Jason had forgotten about that, and they didn’t taste the same. Jason hasn’t forgotten the cinnamon and vanilla since then.

Cass and Tim walked into the kitchen and sat at the counter. 

Jason got out a wok and tossed the oil, chilis, garlic and onions in. None of them were saying anything, but it didn’t feel like an uncomfortable silence. Maybe they’d been doing this for years. Sitting in silence, while Jason cooked. The thought made his chest feel warm.

“When did Bruce take you guys in?”

Tim and Cass had a silent mind conversation. “I started hanging around the manor when I was 13. And then Bruce adopted me when I was 15. Bruce adopted Cass around the same time.”

Cass nodded, “I was 17.” She looked up to think about it, “you were 17 too, 18 when Tim came.”

Jason stirred the vegetables around before adding the noodles, “What about Duke. And Damian, I guess.”

“Talia kinda just dropped Damian off on a random Tuesday. That was also close to two years ago. Dukes the newest. He’s only been here for a couple months.” 

Jason nodded. “Got it.” He turned off the stove with the wok. Then he walked over to the fryer with the churro dough before pausing. “Am I allowed to use the fryer?” 

Tim shrugged, “You’re literally the only one allowed to use the kitchen.”

Even though Jason knows how to use it, it’s the one thing he has to have supervision while using. Because hot oil does not feel good on skin. But technically, he was being supervised. By Cass and Tim. And technically , Jason was an adult. And if Alfred got mad, he could offer him a churro and puppy eyes.

He turned on the fryer, and once the oil was all heated up he started piping the dough in. 

He had almost finished when the garage door opened, followed by the sound of footsteps. 

“Master Jason, you know you are not allowed to use the fryer without supervision.” Alfred was standing at the door with his hands on his hips and his I’m disappointed in you ™ face. 

Duke and Damian were also walking in, but tentatively.

“But I’m 20…”

Alfred pinched the bridge of his nose, but Jason could tell it was just to hide a smile. “You are physically and mentally 15. The rules from then apply now. You need supervision while working with oil.”

“Cass and Tim were here.”

Damian crossed his arms,“Tt, Drake hardly counts as proper supervision.” 

“Cass was here, but I won’t do it again. Sorry Alfred.”

Alfred took the piping bag from Jason, “Well, since the house is still standing, and you are not injured in any way, I suppose I will allow it.” Alfred placed a hand on Jason’s shoulder, “Go eat in the dining room with your siblings, I can finish up here.”

So there they all sat, slurping noodles. 

“Jason, this is really good.” Duke leaned closer to him and whispered, “I’ve been missing spice.”

Jason grinned, “Thank you.” And yes, Alfred’s cooking was good, but after some time you start craving some spice.

Tim sniffled and wiped his nose. His cheeks were pink, and–

“Drake, are you crying?” Damian took the bottle of chili flakes and shook it on top of his noodles, “I knew you were weak, but I didn’t think you were this pathetic.”

“I’m not crying, I just don’t have a super spice tolerance like the rest of you.”

Jason laughed, “If it makes you feel better, Bruce is worse. I once made Nachos for a movie night, and since he’s a white man, I left out the jalapenos and I only put, like, three chili in the salsa. This man ate two chips, and was guzzling milk.”

“Seriously?” Duke looked surprised.

Jason nodded, “Dick should have it on video somewhere.”

“I’m asking him for this right now,” Tim took out his phone, blinked a couple times and then put it away, “Duke, you do it, my eyes are too watery.”

Duke smirked and started typing away.

Cass patted Tim on the shoulder, “Not your fault for crying. You’re just white.”

That earned a laugh from everyone. Except for Tim. He just turned redder if that was possible.

Duke glanced at his phone, “Dick said, ‘I hv a whole folder. We can hv a viewing when I get home.’ Then Steph said ‘Batman’s Kryptonite are nachos’ and then Dick said ‘+ most of the things Jason has made bc he 4got that Bruce was yt man’ Jesus Christ, it’s like deciphering an anagram trying to read Dick’s messages.” 

Tim sighed, “Millennials.”

Jason smirked, Dick’s typing has always been so dumb. Some things never change.

He starts to picture this sight, but it’s his older self. He thinks he can picture his older self. He thinks he can picture his older self maybe playing a supporting role in the Fall play or Spring musical. He thinks he can picture what he would’ve written his college essay about– losing a family, only to gain an even bigger one. He can picture himself with Bruce in his office opening up acceptance letters to Princeton, or NYU, but he’d ultimately choose to go to Gotham University. Actually, maybe he was wrong about that. Damian did seem shocked this morning to see Jason in the kitchen. Maybe Jason goes far enough away to Dorm, but still close enough to patrol when there’s an emergency. Yeah. He can see Bruce and Alfred helping him move into his dorm. He can see himself coming back on some weekends. Maybe he and Dick have become closer as time passed, because He can see Dick stopping by his dorm to pick him up to head to the manor. Maybe Damian’s in the car with them, or Tim, or Cass, or Duke. He can picture Alfred waiting by the door to greet him. He can see Bruce pulling him into a hug and asking him how his classes have been going. He can see them all sitting at the table, Damian and Tim bickering, Stephanie egging them on. Duke and Cass trading food, and Babs and Dick holding hands under the table. He can feel Bruce’s fond, but barely there, smile. Jason could feel the longing in his chest for all of that. 

Though it felt like something was holding back that longing. Like there was something physically blocking Jason from all of that. “Are… are we close?” There was a beat of silence, and then Jason put a hand to his heart, “because I think I feel… I feel calm– at peace when I’m with you Cass.” He looked to Tim, Duke, and Damian, “And you guys are my little brothers. I feel like… I would do anything for you guys.” 

“Jason–”

“But I also feel…guilty?” Jason thought about it for a moment, “No. Ashamed. I don’t know why, but I think I’m ashamed of myself and–”

“Jason, stop.” 

Jason snapped his mouth shut.

Tim set down his fork and had a silent conversation with Cass and Damian. It didn’t seem like Duke was part of their mind conversation, but most of the guilt and shame bubbled up more around Damian and Tim. The guilt and shame felt like it was going to overflow around Tim.

Tim looked Jason firmly in the eye, “A lot was changing all at once during that time. None of us blame you for the way you reacted.” 

Jason carefully inspected Tim’s face. He was doing the weird double mask thing he was doing earlier in the bathroom, “But you got the worst of it.”

“...Dick is so much better at this.” he looked back at Cass and She nodded, “Did you remember anything specific?”

Jason closed his eyes and tried to trace the guilt and shame, but ultimately drew a blank. “..No. It’s more like I’ve been feeling it.”

Tim nodded, “What were you feeling before the guilt.”

“Longing.” He was sitting on a rooftop, red helmet next to him, watching five figures leap across buildings in the distance. “I think I felt… Alone.”

A sad smile briefly appeared on Tim’s face, “A lot was changing during that time. And Bruce and Dick didn’t make sure you felt like you still had a place. You probably were all alone, and I don’t blame you for feeling like that. I didn’t understand until something similar happened to me.”

“Tt, and what happened doesn’t matter anyways, because for all we fight, at the end of the day, you have our backs, Akhi. You would take a bullet for each one of us.”

“And Jason?”

“Yeah?” “Stop being such a sap. You’re ruining your own street cred.”

[rainroses45]

Collapse into me (Sully family x reader)

☾description: You are Neteyam's twin sister who is trying to learn to deal with your unprocessed grief ☾a/n: tried writing fluff and failed to finish it in time so here is sad fanfic to help me process what the movie put me through ☾song inspiration: Sea, swallow me

 You didn’t scream or sob. Your pain was horribly discreet, but as as persistent and almost quiet as bleeding from an unstitched wound. There was no time to spend over the loss of your brother. Everyone let out their wails, their screams, their frustration over the loss of Neteyam - but you stood still. You stayed intact, holding on to the false allusion that your other half was still being whisked away in tide, that he still is laughing at your remarkable memories. 

    Maybe it was your fault? Who was pointing the finger at you? Did you even see the bullet? Why did you let him take the gun? Should you have been the one to stay behind? So many questions floated through your mind as you stated out into the sky. You felt lost. Lost as in the sense that you couldn’t tell the difference between breathing and letting go. 

   Your parents handled your brother’s death better than you could. They let the grief wash over them, surround their everlasting reality, guiding them through the stages of living without that certain someone. Sure your dad felt like he was no longer deserving of the title of being a father, but he will get over it - he always manages to do so. 

  Your mother prayed, she prayed at sun rise and sun set, it was like clockwork. Her tears still held the twin of the ocean, but her eyes will soon day glow, for like a sun she never manages to stop shinning. 

  Kiri, in spite of everything that has happened still manages to persevere on with her day. Neteyam left a scar on her heart that will never be banished away. She does not know that at night I can hear her soft sniffles as she told the moon her troubles, and prayed that her brother rest in everlasting peace. 

   Tuk was too young to experience the full objective of it all. She would ask us constantly when her loving older brother would show up, and how is it possible he was allowed to be gone for so long. We all simply batted our eyes at her not daring to inform the little girl about death of her brother. 

  Lo’ak, oh sweet disconsolate Lo’ak, he never stopped to ask himself what he did right, always looking at what he did wrong. His days were filled with solitude and remorse for his older brother. He would wake up in cold sweat calling out for him, begging,pleading with him to come back. To stay with him and never leave his side. You would always comforted him in the shadows, gently hiding him from the public view so he may grieve in peace. He needed to grow and learn how to not hold onto the past, and learn that the future is forever changing, but his bleak mind made it hard for him to escape. 

Fortunately for him there was you, the one who stood intact for the family. Who was not allowed to mourn for their brother without having to take care of others. They never questioned as to why you lied awake, ready at any moment to soothe them after a nightmare. Your heart ached in pain for your brother. The memory of the life leaving his eyes was imbedded into your mind and soul. No one asked you if you were okay, if you needed a shoulder to cry on - no they expected you to act just like your brother. 

   The setting of it all caused the feeling of suffocation and darkness to cloud your thoughts. It’s been days since he has returned back to Eywa, but to you those memories of him were so fresh and clear it tormented you. 

You shuffled out of the marui, careful not to wake anyone as you made your way to the cold isolated beach. The moon gave off a spotlight to help guide you through the swaying platform of the pathways. 

How could you take up the role of being the eldest? He was suppose to guide the clan to the next victory, he was suppose to live to tell his children one day about the battle we faced, but he is gone. And every time you remember that small detail, you cry out to the world. How could they take him from you?! How could they take your brother?!

   You kneeled down at the beach and let out a silent scream in agony, your hands filled with sand began to turn purple from the tight grip. You cried out to Eywa in pain, so you could let it all out before putting back your mask. 

You looked back into the endless ocean of death and thought “maybe some children are simply born with tragedy in their blood.” 

[zenkor123]

Gale tells Katniss he is no longer romantically into her

October 4

I am upset I wanted to spend time with Gale, perhaps become more then friends with him as Peeta has been replaced by a mutt version of himself and serves Coin. Gale comes up to me and asks to talk to me alone.

Gale tells me “I would like to apologize for something, for pining for another mans girl, for kissing you when you needed a friend, I am no longer romantically into you, if you want to be friends that's fine.”

Peeta's gone! I shout.

“Catnip, if you believed that you wouldn't be stroking his hair, cuddling with him and he wouldn't be allowing it. Unless Coin is right about you?

“She's not! I'm just doing my guard duties, I thought you knew me after all these years! ” There's a tense silence I ask what he meant what did Peeta know deep down

“Peeta as you just saw can't determine truth from lies, you're a giant mystery to him, he wants to believe Coin, that no one cared about him before he was In 13. But when he sees your pain and that he mattered to you it's inconvenient so he's making shit up. Even if he remembered his love for you, he would deny it.

“Peeta would never agree to this!”

“Desperate mutts can be made to do anything, Katniss.”

“Not Peeta he would never, the mutt maybe"

“Even Peeta mutt or not, if he could recover his sanity he would sacrifice his identity if it got in his way. I think it's pathetic"

“When did you become so knowledgeable about me and Peeta”

“These are just my observations, you would have to ask Peeta if it's true"

" I abandoned him, why would he want anything to do with me?” 

“He abandoned himself, I don’t see why he has any right to hold it against you, " I heard the bastard thanking Delly for telling him “the truth about himself” when she was grieving her little brother. I can’t believe Coin ever wormed her way into my heart, I’m really no better than Peeta.” 

"I don't recall you taking up morphling and pledging your heart and soul to Coin

"But I did, I declined all offers of Morphling and a month ago I supported Coin and wanted her to be president of Panem. She promised vengeance for 12, and I was able to serve the cause of freedom. But she always hated you, called you a whiney bitch, the Coin I knew is very different from the cold snake you know. "

I imagine how much easier it is for Coin when Peeta does not who he is.

York comes up says: "break is over, stop insulting our leader!"

As we go out Peeta is smiling but Gale goes up to him and tells him

"I just told Katniss I don't want anything romantic with her, so don't get your hopes up mutt!"

I run up to stop the altercation but Gale puts Peeta down and goes to another bench.

Notes

Gale is talking about Peeta like Peeta's a rabid animal but it's Gale.

[mcyt-fictives]

vent warning

i hate that i miss my source. it was horrible and painful but somehow it seems better than this new life. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

i'm so lost in this world

i don't know who i am when everyone and everything i know is gone.

fighting was all i knew how to do really. what am i supposed to do when there's nothing left to fight for

i'm supposed to relax aren't i? it's over. no more fighting. i'm supposed to be feeling peace

but instead i just feel fucking empty

-Tommy

Grian: that’s rough, we totally understand though. I personally can’t relate, but one of our non mcyt headmates can. She left a message below the cut for you if you want to read it

Hey, my name is Emily. I’m introjected from a roleplay. I’m no stranger to that feeling- missing some place, and even people, who in retrospect were awful. It’s hard because you know how bad it was and yet you still care about it and love it. It’s easier to feel hate and anger, but when you can’t it’s just hard.

Feeling that pain is a good sign though, it means you haven’t stopped caring about people. Loss, betrayal, grief, you name it- pain is proof that you’re alive and you have a heart.

Not that that’s probably too comforting- but it’s important to know we’re all just people who have a heart- and hearts hurt. Which is why we first have to be gracious with ourselves. It’s ok to feel this way, it really is ok. And it’s ok to take as long as you need to process everything- everyone heals at a different rate.

Allow yourself to feel- allow it to hurt. Allow yourself to be conflicted, to be sad, to grieve and cry and laugh and smile. To remember and to reminisce. To hold those you loves memory close to your chest, to cry for them.

That’s the first step to finding out who you have the chance to be here in this new life- allowing yourself to fully accept the one you’ve left behind. And you never leave it fully behind- it’ll always be with you. That’s ok, that’s natural. Once you’ve let it sit- you’ll be in a clearer state of mind to find or realize new goals. Trust me.

I can’t assure you that the pain goes away- because grief never truly goes away. But you learn to grow around it and you learn to let it sit. And it eventually changes, becomes less heavy.

It’s hard, I’m going through it too. I’ve admittedly been crying over it for months now. But it does slowly get easier. You’ll find yourself again, I promise.

[sunofpandora]

Collision 🌀🌌

𝕊𝕪𝕟𝕠𝕡𝕤𝕚𝕤: 𝕒 𝕤𝕟𝕚𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕒𝕟 𝕦𝕡𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕝𝕠’𝕒𝕜 𝕩 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣 𝕀’𝕞 𝕨𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 😍

I love neteyam.

But, I have a confession.

I’m a Lo’ak girl at heart.

Or maybe it’s just because I was also “the problem kid” or the “troublemaker” when I was a teen? (I always felt kinda out of place in my family because in truth I didn’t look anything like my siblings or parents) I don’t even think it’s because I'm attracted to him. I just love that kid so much. I just wanna wrap him into a blanket and protect him from everything. My little burrito 💙

I just wanna keep him safe and tell him everything is okay-

Give this kid some love!

I’ve been wanting to wirte a series for a long, LONG time. But I was afraid to write in other fandoms just because of judgement. But for some Eason I feel so safe In the avatar community, and I love this franchise so much. I thought, “hey, why not?”

So, I whipped up this sample of a Lo’ak story I had planned.

This is kinda like a ‘test drive’ so I’m looking for feedback.

Just to get a feel of what y’all would like to see in a story.

I’m thinking sun and moon romance trope (Lo’ak is the moon, reader is the sun), very fluffy, but a fair amount of angst, (DONT WORRY YALL I ALMOST ALWAYS TO HAPPY ENDINGS)

Lots of sully family shenanigans, lots of love from our fav sully siblings, maybe a little bit of ooc Lo’ak? Probably only because I’m just starting out I promise I’ll get better)

(I designed the cover myself. What Do we think? 😍)

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

Lo’ak sully swore Eywa played favorites.

And I know what you’re thinking, but I promise you it’s true.

Lo’ak was never really one to believe in forces beyond explanation.

Omens, angels, powers beyond his reach. And yet, his mind always wondered off the ground.

Lo’ak was a beastly child and a rebellious teenager, to the dismay of others. His fathers son. Much like his father, his heart spoke louder than his mind.

“Strong heart”. Those were the words his father had said Neytiri had spoken to him. The day they met. The day the stars aligned and two hearts disregarded the burdens of a cruel reality, and found a home within a war. Found intimacy through the most painful of grieving.

Lo’ak knew the stars would never align for him in such a way.

And how could they?

Put Lo’ak on a pedestal?

What had he done to deserve it?

He wasn't a cute, innocent “get away with murder” Tuktirey.

He wasn't sweet, sweet Kiri.

And he was rusted silver in contrast to the golden boy, Neteyam.

What stars would align for him?

And why?

At least, that’s what he thought.

Until her met her.

Lo’ak was 8 when he met y/n. An orphan taken in by a warrior and placed among the Omaticaya after the death of her mother and sister.

And for once in his life, Lo’ak knew the stars had aligned for him.

For you.

the sun set and rose with you, the stars danced across your face, sculpted by the celestial’ s themselves.

Lo’ak was drawn to her, and the reminiscence of the nostalgia in her eyes. I reminiscing in her laugh, bright enough to challenge the sun and the sky. The absence of the atonement of loneliness, in snowfall she claimed as stars, in the rainfall she affirmed carried ghosts that cherish the fragments of their lives within the darkness of the clouds, because the vexatious luminescent antagonist we claim to be sunlight, provides no sanctuary to a ghost.

Lo’ak had told the stars about her.

Her smile is a shield to the burdens of the world.

She is a puzzle piece of the universe, she belongs wherever her mind allows her.

She doesn’t feel the weight of where she stands, she’d rather pretend. She’ll pretend she’s in her flower field, tangling her fingers with the flowers, falling deaf to the insults of reality, dancing with atokirina,s under the miridical last salvageable stretches of a sunset.

She is composed of stories.

Captivating, euphonious stories.

The sun flirts with her eyes,

Have you ever tried to neglect what you love? Even if it’s existence is as binding as what you loathe.

Lo’ak wants nothing more on Pandora than to trace hands over her stories, her whispers, her flowers, her smile.

But would his hands taint the sun in her eyes?

Beautiful things must remain unscathed.

Nothing mattered when he was with her.

But she was beyond his reach.

[felixfellowish]

My truthful, personal dog ownership story so far...

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time already but never seemed to find the right time for it. It's not a thing you can describe quite easily or just with a few words, but I decided to try my best just before going to bed. Enjoy :3

So, some background: I had wanted a dog for a loooong time. Ever since I was a kid, I had asked my parents if we could get a dog. We didn't, but we got a cat instead and I ended up growing up with the said cat and I loved him more than I could ever describe. But yeah, long story short, after we lost our cat and I had recovered from the most painful grieving stage, I started researching different dog breeds. Because shiba inus have cat-like quirks and my bf, who knows a loooot about dogs, encouraged me, it was the dog breed I settled on. And I waited around 5 years until my life situation allowed me to start the process to get a dog of my own.

As I said, I had waited around 5 years. I knew getting a dog was going to change my life, but I was ready for it. Because I had social anxiety, I thought having a dog would help me, even though it wasn't going to be pleasant at first. I was ready to love another animal again and create wonderful memories together. The moment I saw the photo of the the puppy I was going to get was wonderful and unforgettable. We drove to the breeder with my bf and brought the little baby home.

And then I got the most major puppy blues ever after my bf drove back home (we're in a long distance relationship.) Do I really know how to take care of the puppy? No one told me it was going to be this hard. Am I ever going to be able to have some alone time again? After experiencing lots of hardships in my life, I always felt like my home was a safe space for me - somewhere where I could hide from the world, and now there was this needy creature there distracting me 24/7. My mental health was killing me - I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't sleep, I was like a walking zombie and I felt like I had made a big, big mistake. I had to be honest to my folks and my bf: I don't know if I'm going to make it.

They could've been really nasty to me about the whole thing. After all, it was my own decision to get the dog and hell, why was I whining about it after waiting for so long. But no, everyone was very, very supportive towards me. I ended up travelling to my mom's place with Toru (the puppy), just so I could get some sleep. My mom promised to help however she could, and sometimes it's enough when you have someone by your side when you're feeling down.

Adjusting was hard, but I'm more than happy to say that I don't feel the puppy blues that much anymore. The word itself, "puppy blues", really doesn't describe how bad it can get, because I was having a full blown mental breakdown. Toru himself has been an easy puppy overall: he's smart and was mostly potty trained from the start. He started teething quite fast, and so me and my mom's ankles have suffered a looooot, but we've survived even that (thanks to my bf who has made lots of visits and helped me to become better at understanding dogs and different training methods). I'm still veeery stressed sometimes, but things are getting better day by day, and I know recovery doesn't isn't always - if ever - linear.

Having an animal in your life is not easy in my opinion. It's not easy to make space for them in your life and to love, because they end up meaning the world to you. And even though the beginning has been rough, I don't know, I'm extremely proud of myself for enduring everything.