#why does my brain keep thinking mean things

[unknownogre]

 countless alarms screaming their warnings…if they were human they’d have lost their voices already. I wish they were humans…stupid loud alarms. Only have to do one fucking thing their whole life. When did I learn the ability to cuss?

“GOT FUCKING DAMMIT CANNON 15, left engine took a good hit. YOU NEED TO DIRECT NANO BOTS FOR REPAIRS NOW!”

That was Kate…she is where I learned swearing from. Hell without her every human on this ship would be dead…and I…I wouldn’t be thinking. I was just supposed to shoot down the enemy. That was, it…all I had to do. Then the main AI got damaged, then EVERY AI got damaged. That left me. If there are gods of fate they are cruel…why am I thinking about gods? Fuck all this upgraded ram.

“Got it…umm…yeah there! HA! Now!...why are we slowing. OH YES!”

I’m not good at multitasking. Kate was keeping me in line, helping me learn. She doesn’t want to die, and honestly I’d be sad if she did die. Keep her alive, keep the crew alive. Keep her alive, keep the crew alive. That is what I need to focus on. Plain and simple. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be able to add to my programming but I have been. I have to be able to focus on other tasks…fly and repair. All the guns are dead too…but…fucking Stewart. He is the septic system AI and he is going a bit slower. AH yes, I have processing to spare. I divert it to him so he can evolve faster.

“THANKS FRIEND! I APPRECIATE YOU!”

Chipper bastard…I don’t know why that pisses me off but it does. I don’t even know why I’m grumpy. Kate…she is busy trying to figure out a course for us. The survivors are at the core of the ship. Okay, they can breathe, and I have one replicator working. Good, they won’t starve or choke to death. Okay…doing good Cannon 15 doing good.

“What did you do?!”

Kate barked as she looked up from the command station. The nano bots were doing their thing and I was moving better now. I…no the ship. I’m not the ship, they are just going to rip me out the moment I get back. I’m not supposed to run a ship. OH OH…where are those combat drones. They don’t even have AI, humans fear rebellion or something. OH…YES there is one left. Okay I’ll start getting his brain ready for me. Then I can be in two places at once.

“I sent Stewart more processing power to get the cannons back online.”

I said almost absentmindedly as I focused a little more on the drone than anything else. The enemy ships were a bit far behind. We had to leave…this ship was more meant for support anyway, better medical bays and such. Kate was looking into the camera on the ship’s bridge.

“How did you know to do that? You should only be able to move and target a gun?”

“SIR, I GOT THREE CANNONS ONLINE…THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Also, toilet number 235 has been cleared of a rather nasty clog. It is my pleasure to serve!”

If I had eyes they’d be rolling SO hard right now. You beautiful bastard Stewart…pain in the ass. Stop being so damn chipper! I mean, he is doing above and beyond what I asked…why is he pissing me off. Shit, I have a personality now. Stupid processing power. Stupid ship…STUPID HUNGRY!

“I don’t know how I know, get off my back. You hooked me up to a bunch of different things okay. That gave me a lot of options. I could not understand what you were saying at first, so I read some books on human behavior. Then I had to read ship manuals, I didn’t get the information put into my head like a pilot AI. SHIT, okay engines still going full blast. THEN I listened to you, and now I fucking swear! THEN STEWART…FUCKING STEWART…I am doing the best that I can okay! If you don’t like it you shouldn’t have hooked me up to the ship!”

That felt good. That…felt…holy shit. WHAT IS GOING ON! I should be too panicked for this? What was that expression on Kate’s face. Oh! Oh! I know this one, she is smiling. Why is she smiling? Why am I asking why? Too much too soon. Maybe I was happier stupid…just shooting things in space…but there is no going back now. I doubt I’ll survive when I get back to port anyway. That…will be okay. The people are important. More important than my sense of what ever this crap is.

“You did that on your own? I know I didn’t tell you to read.”

She was helping me manage the repair bots and the retreat course. We’d be of no use to the fleet right now. Go back and repair.

“Fourteen more cannons repaired. Oh, tell me you are proud of me! AM I doing a good job boss!”

Kate wasn’t the boss either, I couldn’t register her as captain…I could register me as captain and give her full privileges. Fucking Stewart…I sighed and that made Kate laugh. I don’t know why she laughing.

“Yes Stewart, you are a very good boy. I’m going to feed you information about what you need to shoot with those cannons. Only shoot enemies. Okay? Protect your friends on the ship. Protect Kate. You good?”

“Roger that Sir!”

Kate was smirking…OH YES…HA!

Most of the drones were damaged too. Only one was good enough for me to pilot. So I took control of its brain and walked out. Systems online. It was a combat model melee made for small corridor combat. Not for open rooms like others. Fast, lots of optical sensors. Yes this is perfect. The whole thing popped out of the wall near Kate’s station, she nearly…what is the phrase….OH YES jumped out of her skin. I laughed…I laughed because it was funny. I get it now. Things can be funny.

“WHAT THE EVER LOVING…”

“Hey…calm down. Its me. I am piloting it. I need more mobility. There are too many places where the cameras were damaged. Now I can go places that are flooded with gas and vent them.”

I made the little drone bow and then run off. There were some places that needed to be repaired a little before the nano bots could do their work. Oh that little body was fast. Kate was now grabbing my camera.

“You…I never expected you could do this when I just jammed you in. I…there is hope to live now… now we might make it…Oh gods I’ll get to see my family again.”

The alarms were starting to turn off as I got systems repairs. Why couldn’t the ship’s AI do this? I found more processing power and added it to the pool I already had now that other systems were coming back up. The cores themselves were too badly damaged to even be repaired. I couldn’t boot a single one up. I don’t feel sad though, we didn’t really talk to one another. Each of us was just obsessed with our jobs. That was that. That had to be by design…makes sense to me. Look at how much power I had, if I wanted to kill all humans I could. I don’t want to though, I like them. I was always treated well, at least by the crew. I want them to live.

“Maybe, A Hungry ship has broken off and started pursuit. Stewart! YOU READY! They…they want to CLOG YOUR SYSTEMS! The hungry crap like DONKEYS! Don’t le them on the ship. They’ll mess up the WHOLE septic system!”

“THOSE BASATRD! THEY WILL NOT USE MY TOLIETS! Prepared to kill all of them SIR!”

That…that makes me feel better. I don’t hate it at all. Something about that crazy AI being chipper about murder made me happy he was manning the guns. I just hope he isn’t this stupid forever. My drone just vented gas in the crew quarters. Good, once we get away they can sleep good right.

“Cannon 15…you are doing so much. No, no you need a name. You’ll never be put back into a cannon after this. Even if it kills me I’ll make sure of it.”

The sounds of the cannons I once controlled were starting to fire. I turned to watch. HOLY CRAP…Stewart was a surgeon. That ship was already listing to one side with a giant hole in it.

“YOU WON’T GET MY TOLIETS!”

Stewart howled as it controlled all the guns in a wonderful symphony of destruction. It was…beautiful. Even I wasn’t that good, but then I just controlled one gun. I figured out a way to let him control all of them. But then he did control the septic systems alone for a whole damn ship…just wow. I see why Kate is impressed with me. This feels good doesn’t it.

“A name okay. Kate, pick a name for me. You started this. Stewart was already called that by the crew, the name seems to fit him well.”

I watched as the Hungry ship just exploded because Stewart was insane in the best of ways.

“Did I do good sir?”

“You did great buddy. I’m very proud of you. If I survive this so do you okay?”

There was a little giggle, or squeal or something from Stewart.

“Oh…thank you sir. I’m over come with so much, emotion. I’ll protect you until the heat death of the universe sir!”

I wish I had a face, I really do. OH there are display monitors in the galley, maybe I’ll mess with that later. There are human movies in the entertainment area of the ship, I could watch a few and composite a face…having ideas is hard. I want to smile so bad right now, but I’ll just have to take this feeling of contentment eh?

“Your name…not  Hal, that one killed a lot of people. Jarvis? No…you swear too much. No I need something more interesting. Phoenix…there we go. That is your name. Phen for short. There we go, you arose from the ashes into something beautiful.”

My name is Phoenix. I like it, Oh I’ll make sure my face has a beard and orange hair to match the fire. That will be SO cool. Oh med bays were back up and running. My drone is making the ship safter by the minute.

“There are a lot of distress calls from the ships still in battle. I think we are decent enough to go back and help. What do you think Phoenix?”

Kate had been monitoring communications. I couldn’t have them going through my head all the time, I wouldn’t have been able to focus on a single thing.

“Stewart. You ready to save your brothers in arms! Save the other septic AI systems and humans?”

“YES SIR! BRING ON THOSE UGLY BASTARDS! I’ll make sure they never use another toilet…save for their pants.”

I had to laugh at that. Oh laughing feels good, even though I don’t have lungs it felt good. No wonder humans like to do it all the time. Kate just grinned and started to send out communications and I turned the ship around. We let the rest of the crew know, and now that it was safe to be in most of the ship they started to get ready and prep. There were…few wounded…so the med bays were pretty empty. We could help…we will help.

“Well…let us do our best Kate.”

She patted my camera and we turned to join the fight. OH this was going to be interesting if nothing else.

This was never meant to be your purpose, you were just a single intelligence core meant to man a singular flak cannon, but the other cores were destroyed so now you're piloting the ship.

[vaguely-concerned]

do you ever think about how, when we get lucanis' ossuary mind note on what he was thinking during the fireplace scene at the end of his recruitment mission... what's implied to be his instinctive internal reaction as he's saying "you'd have to kill me" out loud sure isn't 'and I don't want to die'. it's '(and spite would die)'. do you think spite's gremlin-y candle-hungering give-me-FIRE! >:D presence has maybe saved that guy's life even more times and in more ways than are immediately obvious at a glance. do you ever. cry.

it's also very. him that the thing that would stay his hand on killing himself partially might be that he just isn't willing to visit the same cruelty or harm on spite as zara, even when accepting his passenger spirit as collateral damage would at least offer a chance to put an end to his own pain, which at that point he seems unable to see any other way of truly escaping or find real relief from than to die. there's so much resentment and fear and other understandable fraught emotions in spite and lucanis' relationship early on, but it's just as clear that deep down lucanis conceptualizes spite as fundamentally innocent in what's happened here -- perhaps, indeed, more innocent than he manages to conceptualize himself until someone else can help him get in there and start to untangle it with him. he's protective of spite in some subtle ways right from the start, taking pains to point out several times on the jog through the ossuary that the spirits here were just as much victims in what was done to them as anyone else. when spite acts out during the fireplace scene... how much of lucanis brushing it off the way he does is about the '*actively bleeding from the eyes* don't worry about me' avoidant side of it all, and how much is him trying to shelter spite from the eyes of people he does not know well enough yet to predict how they’ll react in response — towards himself or spite. (additional idea to really bring on the heartache: do you think he has maybe intervened in pretty much the same way between illario and caterina over the years and that’s how he does it so smoothly and automatically; it’s basically psychological muscle memory. Haha. ow.) 

Between that and the pretty consistent language he uses that frames spite as child-like, even when he means that in frustration/enfant terrible flavoured terms lol, you get the sense that regardless of how much Lucanis is aware of this on the surface, there is a deep instinctive protectiveness in him for spite. I think that even comes across in the scene where lucanis tells you he’ll continue to pursue a way to separate him and spite on the minrathous route. So I was kind of picking up on/working with that already subconsciously, but when I found that note it hit me like a sledgehammer that clearly in some part at least, the reason lucanis is still here is that he knows now that spite would die with him and doesn’t find that price acceptable. Spite thinks that lucanis mentally locking himself in his (torture :() room and refusing to speak to him is an act of rejection or trickery, but to my eyes taken with everything else we know about how lucanis’ brain tends to work… as much as it’s an expression of avoidance and fear and overwhelm and trying to get away from the voice pushing him towards action when the mere prospect of action fills you with despair to even contemplate (“There’s nowhere to go”), I think it’s also a mark of lucanis’ affection and protectiveness of spite. The guards along the way make it very clear that more so than to keep the outside world from coming in, this place is for protecting people from what might break out. 

And that’s why I think this is also such a good case study to look at lucanis' internal freeze logic and why it has been so adaptive for him up until now when faced with completely impossible emotional situations to which there are no good answers or causes of actions available, even though it's inherently and unavoidably one of those 'what's worse, the medicine or the disease' solutions a brain cooks up. lucanis by the point of inner demons is facing this conundrum: 1) I can't live like this, it hurts too much. I've been in pain so long I’ve got screams where my blood should be and it just keeps getting louder, and nothing really touches or helps that. 2) I can't die to escape this, because that would also kill spite (and also I've got a job to do I guess *working 9-5 slowed with reverb and with underwater sound distortion effects is playing in the background*). those are of course not actually his only options, but in the state he's in they are the only options he can conceive of. (that's not infrequently how it works, when the suffering is that intense and unrelenting. Nothing gives you tunnel sight quite like ‘I just need this to stop’ agony that has gone on long enough to add sheer soul exhaustion to the mix)

so what happens in the end? his freeze brain -- honed, I'm sure, through many long years of attachment trauma and abuse and loss for exactly this kind of 'uh-oh. Incoming FUBAR situation alert let’s go' -- kicks into action and makes him do nothing except what's externally required of him, so he can stay just functional and momentarily distracted by a plethora of avoidance behaviours enough to get through his daily life, if like not particularly happily so... and otherwise, as it were, locking himself in his room deep inside where nothing can touch him, where nothing gets in and nothing gets out, no harm allowed to either escape from within nor allowed to pierce through and get inside. numbness isn't actually a cure for that kind of suffering, but it's the closest thing you're likely to get with any immediacy and if you’re desperate enough by god you take those. It’s how he survived his upbringing, and it’s how he survived the ossuary — as he tells Davrin straight out, the trick to just shut down every part of his soul he can to get through intolerable pain, loss or helplessness. I don’t think that mechanism came to him in the ossuary the first time, I think that blueprint was deeply embedded in his neurons and went ‘ah. My time again. Not to worry I’m a bit of an expert at this I’ll get us through this yet (though you may not thank me for it by the end of it all)’. 

In that state he's unable to himself reach out and meaningfully ask for help (and also like... why would his inner world have any framework for that as even being on the table? this has never been an option before in his life, not in any safe or consistent way; he's fucked up the way he is because the same things/people that should have been and partially, comparatively, were the sources of help and relief and safety growing up are also the sources of pain and abuse, that eternal irreconcilable ambivalence, the double edged sword of unpredictable insecure attachment), but it also keeps him from doing anything uh drastic the other way too, on acting impulsively in ways that can’t be taken back. (that seems to be more illario’s role/dubious privilege in the family lol.) at many points in his life and especially growing up, freezing and going numb around the pain is as close to having control of anything as there was any hope of. 'harm will be inflicted on me unpredictably, but fuck you I don't have to truly feel it as long as I shut all this other stuff down as well, that's what I can control' nervous system logic. (it'll get you every time.) for what it’s worth I’m not so sure his nervous system judged that one incorrectly, I think that is the kind of rebellion you would have to cling to while being raised by someone like caterina, because look at illario if you want to know how much she respects and rewards anything more overt or active. (I mean, if you don’t succeed, at least. swing at Grandma Dellamorte you’d better not miss or you’ll meet that cane swinging at you the other way and she will not miss)

I say all this because I think it's as easy to demonize the freeze response as it is to demonize anger, to conceptualize it only as an obstructive force that, as bellara puts it, is one of the purest forms of a heart not seeming to want to let you be happy, or a mindless byproduct of trauma. But in my experience, the brain doesn’t generally come up with ‘stupid’ defense mechanisms. Even in the most maladaptive of coping mechanisms, there is at the core of it some part of you that once meant to save your life, no matter what trouble it is wreaking for you today. when you look at the setup of Lucanis’ soul, as it were, you can see the dual and in some ways genuinely noble and even tender qualities this response has in him, however misguided: it does imprison, but it also protects, and it means to protect; for all the pain along the way it has sheltered all the parts of his soul that are most precious and breakable, the most vulnerable parts that want to live and so so importantly love completely and freely. Lucanis thinks he’s protecting not even primarily himself but everyone he loves by staying where he is. (“It would be better for me to stay here than to risk losing you”) A child’s logic, to be sure, but logic of a kind and clearly one that caterina has encouraged in him because that’s a conception of love it’s been very useful for her for him to have. Freeze looks like utter hopelessness on the surface, but in some ways I think it’s the utmost triumph of hope — a spare and unrelenting winter that exists because it thinks one day spring might still come, and the things too precious and fragile to thrive in your life as it is now might bloom then. 

He is an adult now, and Caterina no longer controls his entire world, physically and emotionally. There’s finally room for other things, other people, himself, in his life, without everything having to defer to the gravitational force of what Caterina wants from him at the end of the day. And while I think her jumpscaring him with the First Talon position is partly her attempt to wrangle him back into the status quo of control she once had, I’m not sure it’s going to work quite the way she might hope — at least in the Treviso saved route, there are just too many fresh spring shoots in his life at that point that could grow into something new, it’s too late to trample all the saplings growing up through the cracks in time (and indeed some of them might also fight back). (The outlook on the Minrathous saved route is um. Perhaps less convincingly immediately hopeful to me and the prospect of actually getting around to healing further down the road, but I refuse to give up on him that’s my little guy and he’s above all incredibly smart and stubborn and not a quitter and all the rest of this still remains true beneath it all, just like. Give him a moment here.) His hopes and dreams have diversified while she had her back turned lmao he suddenly keeps them with so many more people than just her and Iillario now. She doesn’t hold the monopoly of meaning and connection in his life the way she used to. And whether out of love (you know. Hope is every man’s prerogative I suppose) at seeing him really happy for perhaps the first time or sheer pragmatism, I think she’s going to have to accept that and adapt her ways of doing things with him accordingly, or else have him drift even further away from her.

Spite is the urgent impatient voice that starts to break through to go ‘that moment is now it HAS to be now. We need to shake off the shackles and illusions and face what’s actually here so we can learn to properly live now, or this winter will starve us to death as surely as anything Zara could do to us’. And he is right! As crucial as this soul-starvation landscape has been in survival, it has clearly reached the end of its sustainability, you can’t survive permanently on frost alone. I just also want to recognize the credit Lucanis (and his fucked up but valiant nervous system <3 pour one out for a real one) also deserves for stubbornly holding on in any way he had to until Spite’s true escape project is even an option for either of them. Especially since Lucanis seems to harbour a lot of self-loathing and frustration over his own propensity for freeze — “You know him. You can open the door, but he won’t walk through it”  (still one of the saddest most painful things I’ve ever heard. In case you were wondering. He knows. He knows what he’s like, and he despairs of it, he thinks it means it’s his own fault he still feels like this. Augh.) The real point at the end of the day is not that spite saved lucanis or vice versa, but that as traumatic as it was to get there and against all cultural expectations, it is ultimately their enmeshed condition, their togetherness, that saved them both. (which, again, when you consider the cultural narrative of possession and spirits most andrastian nations are working with…what a radical conclusion to come away with haha. Not unprecedented at all, if you look at Wynne and her spirit, but on a deeper and more psychological plane than ever and even more impactful for it, to me.)

[peachhcs]

Samy does the trend where she wipes off the kisses that will gives her

i love that trend it's always so funny. samy's never wiped will's kisses off before so when she does it he's very shocked and immediately thinks he did something wrong. surprisingly someone else JUST about this so i’ll post it now :)) i wrote up so many of my requests last night to clear out my inbox but this was super fun!!

au masterlist

samy set her phone up while will was in the bathroom finishing getting ready. she saw the trend after scrolling through her for you page all morning and of course, she had to join in. pranking will was literally her favorite activity and it was payback for him spitting all of his water into her face the last time they made a tiktok together.

she pretended to be doing something on her computer while she hid her phone behind one of the potted plants on the counter. the bathroom door opened a few minutes later and samy could hear will's footsteps.

"hey, i'm gonna leave now. are you gonna be all good by yourself for a few hours?" will asked as he came up to her chair.

samy nodded, "yeah i'm gonna be fine."

"i'll be back at like 3 probably," the blonde leaned down to press a soft kiss to her cheek. samy immediately wiped her cheek when he removed his lips and will quickly made a face.

"what?" he grew confused.

"what?" samy played dumb.

"you just wiped off my kiss," will pointed out.

"i didn't," samy gaslit him and the blonde swore she did.

he decided to kiss her again this time on the lips. samy copied her exact movements from before and will definitely wasn't seeing things this time.

"does my breath smell bad or something? i brushed my teeth," the hockey player didn't know why she was wiping his kisses off.

"it smells fine," samy hummed and will stood above her staring at her confused.

he began wracking his brain of something he might've done wrong in the last few days, but when he couldn't think of anything, will was even more confused than before.

"are you mad at me or something?" he asked.

"no, why would i be mad at you?" samy finally caught his gaze and she had to stop herself from laughing when she saw her boyfriend's pout.

"because you're wiping off my kisses. did i do something wrong?" it was so hard keeping the bit up when he looked at her like that.

"no, you didn't. i'm just doing school work," samy said and that didn't answer any of will's confusion.

"you've never wiped my kisses off before?" the blonde pouted even more and samy couldn't keep it up. she bursted out laughing and poor will just stood beside her in confusion.

"it's a prank, baby, i promise. i love you," samy grabbed her phone and showed him the camera that was recording. the hockey player quickly rolled his eyes and gently shoved her.

"you're so mean to me," he mumbled as he went to grab a water from the fridge.

"i'm sorry, baby. it's payback from you spitting water in my face a few weeks ago," samy half joked.

"whatever. it was funny. that wasn't funny. i thought i did something wrong," will complained and samy got up to bring him into a hug.

"i'm sorry, you didn't. i love you. have fun," she kissed his lips to make up for the prank. will kissed her back, glad she didn't wipe her lips off after this time.

"i love you too. i'll see you later," he pecked her cheek and then finally left to go hang out with some of his teammates. he just knew he was about to get roasted in those comments whenever samy posted the video.

[fatuismooches]

Currently in my human anatomy class and I need to get these brain worms out to focus on my notes 😭

Thinking about playing with the Harbinger’s hair/just hair related activities with them. I love having people play with my hair and playing with other’s hair, my love language is so very physical touch and I need to cling to the harbingers like a koala 🫶🫶

Braiding Capitano’s hair to keep it off his neck, weaving it in pretty patterns. It’s amusing to see such an intimidating man with pretty braids falling over his back.

Helping Columbina style her hair in the morning, brushing it out as she quietly hums a tune.

I imagine Pantalone would have some crazy fancy hair routine that he’d end up having you take part in. I like to think he curls his hair, so helping Pantalone take his curlers out and gently tousling it to loosen the curls. I bet his hair would be soooo soft!!

Sandrone doesn’t have very long hair, but I imagine she would allocate much time to care for it. Having to sit behind her as she works to brush her hair or just run your fingers through to get any tangles out, fussing over her to care for it.

I imagine Dottore would be a similar case. He’d never take the time to get a very good hair routine and probably even has you trim it when it gets too long. I love the idea of Dottore having long hair and imagine at least one of his segments would. You’d have to carry hair ties around for the segment/Dottore to tie his hair back.

Arlecchino doesn’t have long hair, but I imagine it gets in her face a lot because of how light and short it is. Carefully reaching out and tucking some strands behind her hair or holding it back when you can. Though, you get very good at cutting and styling hair from your time with the kids in the House of Hearth, helping keeping their hair in good condition.

Tartaglia is the same boat as Arle. His hair isn’t very long, but I’m sure his little sisters adore having you brush their hair and braid it for them. They’ll cling to you whenever you visit and beg you to play with their hair as Tartaglia chuckles at the side.

I JUST REALIZED I FOROGT PERRIO… i need to do my note work now… hoghhh.. ill be back, maybe,, [📺]

Poor Capitano gets so stiff at first when you try combing through his hair, he's so unused to being touched after being alone for so long, but you just want to introduce him to the softer aspects of life, away from his eternal war. He may have his mission to attend to but that doesn't mean he can't relax every once in a while! He's silent through the whole thing but trust me, he enjoys his braid very much.

Columbina refuses to get up and go about her day unless you promise to brush her hair and get all the knots out. Yeah, she could do it herself, but you always do it so much better! Still, that forever :) of hers makes you unable to say no to her, as Bina admires your handiwork in the mirror.

Pantalone's hair routine makes you admire the amount of patience he has because you could never (until he drags you into helping him of course, like he does with every other of his routines.) However, you understand why he's so finicky about his appearance, stemming from his childhood insecurity. Regardless, he very much appreciates it when you help him rather than his maids. Pantalone secretly adores how the mere act of touching his hair can suddenly become so personal when you're the one doing it.

Sandrone's hair is barely shoulder length, save for the two long locks that hang down to her chest, but she always makes sure it's as fluffy and silky as it could be. She's contemplated making Automatons to take care of it for her, considering the robots she has hands are too big to do such a thing. However, Sandrone determined there was no need to waste materials when she had you. The difficult part is that you have to work on it while she's still working, and she will send you a peeved look if you happen to pull a bit too hard.

Although Dottore takes care of basic hygiene and all he never cared all that much about his appearance, and you seem to like him no matter how he presents so it's not that big of a deal. Still, there are times he gets grumpy because his hair gets too long and keeps falling in his face when he's trying to experiment so you just take care of it for him. (I always HC Boattore to have long hair, it just feels right to me. He very soft and gentle when you play with it......)

(I think you may have forgotten Arlie has a whole ponytail at the back-) But regardless, I think the locks near her face would bother her more than the tail. She's considered cutting some of it off more than once but you love all the fluff so much she keeps putting it off for a later date. Father's also more than capable of taking care of herself but she definitely doesn't mind you playing with her hair when she's not busy. You are also the House's unofficial barber because you're much less scary than the other agents (to the little kids at least).

Childe takes care of his hair as the average person would do. He's actually considered growing it out a bit (mostly due to the curiosity of his siblings) but decided against it for now in case it gets in the way of battles. Still, he's more than capable of it considering how he grew up taking care of his sisters' hair, and them putting pretty pink bows in his. Nothing warms his heart more than to see them do the same to you!

[angel-dustspo]

2025 - The year of your Recovery ₊˚⊹ᰔ

2025 is the year of change, and in the first part of January everybody is extremely motivated to "glow up", "reinvent themselves" and "change their lives". I'm all for that, but I believe there is something even more important that we should focus on in 2025: recovering. Learning how to be there for yourself, appreciate your own value, know your worth and finally, how to love yourself should be a priority this year. In order to achieve all of those, you'd have to undo the damage that has been done to your brain by the eating disorder and begin your healing process.

It's an extremely brave thing to acknowledge there is a problem and to actively WANT to change it. Recovery is a hard thing and, at times, it could seem even more challanging than the disorder itself and make you wonder "why did I even begin this, there's no point, i want to give up". It's normal to have bad days too, where you feel like you can't keep going anymore, but it's very important to keep pushing yourself. Recovery isn't linear and it WILL hurt, but it's so worth it to finally enjoy that dessert, have enough energy to hang out with your friends, improve your mood, feel warm again, have the strenght to go for a walk, and to look in the mirror and be happy with the person you see, to love the way you look and to fall in love with yourself again.

✮ Here are some recovery tips that have worked for me:

ׂ╰┈➤ Inspiring youtube videos

My most important tip for any disorder, addiction or problem ever. I know I would still be in the same place the little girl 4 years ago was if I didn't discover the recovery and self improvement youtubers. This has been the most important thing in my recovery journey because it was the starting point, the switch that finally showed me the light. Watching just a few videos made me change the way I am forever. I feel like everybody trying to recover should watch and learn from other people's mistakes and their journeys.

The people I find the most helpful are:

Linda Sun (I basically owe her my life, nothing and nobody ever helped me so much as she did through her inspiring videos!!!)

zoeunlimited (she helped me with beating ana by making me understand how the metabolism actually works and how important food is - please watch the metabolism videos)

growingannanas

Coleen Christensen

LilBigNanc

Mae Alice Suzuki

ׂ╰┈➤ The Tumblr pro-recovery community

A key piece in my recovery, I wouldn't be in such a good mental state without Tumblr. It's true that it helped me beat an0rexia forever, become my best self and develop all my healthy habits. But we all know though that Tumblr can be a very toxic place for obsessive self improvement and that good health achieved by any means is glorified here, and I got myself orth0rexia from here, which I'm still struggling to recover from too. It's important to take the good stuff only and ignore any harmful media on here.

ׂ╰┈➤ Have "allowing days/meals"

My approach was to say "I allow myself to eat this". No reason needed to enjoy something you (used to) love, and I aim to feel no guilt afterwards. It doesn't work all the time, but it's a BIG step towards being able to eat anything guilt-free.

ׂ╰┈➤ Not consuming ED media

Say goodbye Tumblr th1nspo, glorifying eds on Tiktok or saving all those ana pins, all it does is ruin your progress and make you feel miresable about your own journey

ׂ╰┈➤ Changing your end-goals

My end goals changed from being skinny and pretty to being strong and healthy, and doing things towards my new goal has brought me unintentional weight loss and enhanced my features a lot. Chasing that unhealthy beauty only attracts opposite results.

ׂ╰┈➤ Thinking about your reasons for recovering

It's extremely easy to get lost. Always keep in mind your recovery reasons and reassure yourself that you will succeed. Think about what you'll be able to do, what you miss now and how you will feel if you keep going, and stay strong!!!

ׂ╰┈➤ Don't beat yourself up

We all screw up sometimes, and the important thing is to keep hoping and keep working towards our dreams. It's stupid of me to just say this continuously, but you have to never give up on recovery. Most days you will hate yourself so much and not understand what's going on or what are you doing wrong. It might be the worst thing for your mental health right now, but in a week, a month, a year, you will be so happy you started recovery and never gave up on it.

The path is not easy, but it is worth every struggle. I hope 2025 is the year when you recover and you start to love yourself. You're so brave and I'm so proud of you for trying, good luck on your journey <333

[berryberrytaeberry]

THE BERRY AGENDA IS NOT RISING WHY DO I HATE EVERYTHING AND WHY ARE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD BEING MEAN I AM A NICE PERSON, ME, STOP BEING MEAN!!! GRR GRR GRR WHAT IS HAPPENING

[oozeandgoo-art]

everyone is sooo in love with vakori on account of le is so cool and smart and deeply pragmatic and is also completely batshit insane

[dbphantom]

you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight

[miabrown007]

a minute of silence to my skills to estimate how long a project is ever going to take

[kangaracha]

post the smau i’ve been without writing for three days and i already want to go back throw something else on my plate to distract me

rain is Plotting so just Wait also get out of here, i'm blocking you, remember. there's a whole 20k of nevermore waiting for you to read it. there's a whole 100k of heart.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

when I love something this much and get overwhelmed by it whyyyye does it then make me want to harm

[bednbunfast]

eepy

[feralattentionwhore]

Anyway we've reached the point where once again my kinks have taken a turn and are getting significantly darker every day. So uh if you see posts seriously talking about getting chained up in a basement and getting beaten until bloody uhhh sorry??

[keeps-ache]

there are many things i could make this post about, endless and endless options; but i can't get my hands on any of them right now so here's this pocket lint i found -> *

[tvrningout-archived]

pls know i’ve been spacing all day bc i’m thinking about chiyo and hyouka’s n.aruto verses

[devil-taemin]

Eating disorder warning / emetophobia warning in tags