#why do i want to give the younger generation the same things my teachers gave to me

[lunaticamic]

am i stupid to have turned down a job in ferrari to continue my degree to become a precarious underpaid high school teacher?

[yourreddancer]

My Story & Why I Switched From Republican to Democrat

It wasn't just because of Trump.

Ron Filipkowski

Jan 13

A few stories have been written by others about my journey from a former Republican Club President, attorney, and Rick Scott then Ron Desantis political appointee to activist Democrat and independent journalist. Although I thought those stories did a pretty good job covering the basics, I wanted to explain things more in my own words. I also don’t really like to talk about myself or promote myself - I prefer for my work to get recognition rather than me personally. But I think since so many of you follow me and read my work without knowing my story, it would be useful to tell it.

I was born in western Massachusetts - my dad was first generation born in Germany right after WWII to parents displaced by the war who were sponsored to come to America when he was a child. My mother is 13th generation American whose family came to the US in 1636 and was mostly Vermont farmers. Needless to say, there was quite a contrast between each side of my family - from the language spoken, culture, food, history, etc.

My parents married when they were 21 and 18 and divorced when I was 4. My mother took myself and younger brother to Cape Cod which is where I grew up. My dad was a welder and moved to Florida, where I ended up spending most summers until I started high school and decided Cape Cod was more fun in the summer than FL. We lived in a very small house in a rural part of the Cape and my mom stayed single and cleaned houses. On an income level, I was definitely one of the poorest kids growing up in my town - but that is something you don’t really notice much until you get older.

One of the best things about growing up in a place like the Cape is the public education. I’m so thankful for it, because it allowed a working class kid like me to be able to compete against kids later in life who grew up wealthier because I got the same education they did. My teachers in school growing up went to Ivy League schools, or colleges like UMass, Williams, Boston College, Amherst. They could have taken other jobs and made more money - but they loved teaching. It was amazing. It is also why I place so much value in our public schools and the dedicated people who work in them.

That said, I was much more interested in sports and girls growing up than school. Since academics was always pretty easy for me, I never had to work very hard at it, was frequently bored, and rarely applied myself. I also worked every job imaginable since I was 12 years old - delivering newspapers, shoveling driveways, chopping wood, washing dishes, waiting tables, landscaping, on and on. If I didn’t work those jobs as a kid I would’ve had no money, no car, no nothing. But those jobs taught me many valuable lessons - and also gave me a deep appreciation today for the people who do those jobs.

When it came time to graduate high school, I had no money for college and didn’t really want to go into deep student loan debt. I also knew at that point in my life I would have been pretty undisciplined and unfocused and would have underachieved. So I joined the Marines and went to Parris Island four days after I graduated high school at age 17. I never intended to make a career out of it - I mostly wanted the GI Bill for college - but I also knew it would give me an opportunity to see the world. I was also patriotic and thought everyone should serve their country in some way. Why the Marines? That’s simple - it was the toughest challenge!

I ended up in an infantry battalion at Camp Pendleton, CA and deployed to Okinawa and South Korea. The time that I was in (1986-1990) was pretty quiet relatively speaking for our military. Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait six months after I got out and was in college. So I didn’t do any of the Middle East stuff. I had two near-death experiences in training. I got bacterial meningitis when I was in a very remote area of Okinawa at Jungle Warfare School. They didn’t know what it was for quite a while before I was eventually rushed the hospital where I remained for 3 weeks and almost didn’t make it. Two years later, I had a lost HUMMV drive over the middle of my back at 3 AM while I was face down sleeping in some soft sand during a training exercise. I was flown by helicopter to a trauma center and luckily survived.

There wasn’t much to do in our down time at our camp in Okinawa. Most of they guys played cards or hung out in bars, but that was never my thing. I discovered a small but wonderful base library and started holing myself up there for hours and hours. I was 18 years old and had never been that interested in politics. But I began reading everything and gravitated to history and politics. This is when I self-educated myself. I read everything from across the ideological spectrum - from The Nation to National Review. From William F. Buckley to Noam Chomsky. I wanted to learn different perspectives on everything since I really didn’t know whether I was conservative, liberal, or something else!

Eventually, I gravitated towards conservatism and became a Republican. Why? That would be a topic for a separate article, but I think the most valuable thing is that I arrived there on my own without anybody pushing me or influencing me in a particular direction. I think that gave me critical thinking skills and also made me a very independent thinker when it came to politics. I wasn’t interested in dogma or indoctrination - only ideas. And I didn’t think that either side had a monopoly on good ideas. I think the best illustration of that is that I was fascinated and obsessed with the lives and ideas of both Gandhi and Churchill - although two people could not possibly be more opposite. But I saw value in many things both had to offer and say - while recognizing their shortcomings.

I jumped into night school. I took classes everywhere I could as much as I could - nights, weekends - all while serving as an active duty infantry Marine. When I visited our “Education Officer” to sign up for the tuition assistance program which paid 70% of your tuition, he didn’t know he was the battalion Education Officer because nobody had ever come to sign up for that since he had been there (officers wear many hats and have many titles). I thought that was odd - and sad that so many young Marines could go to college for nearly free but didn’t. I guess our daily jobs were so difficult they didn’t have the time, energy, or ambition. I did.

When I got out of the Marines, I was 21 years old and had 2.5 years of college credit. I got a job as a night room-service waiter at the Marriott, enrolled in college full time in San Diego, and had my bachelors degree a little over a year later. So I had just turned 23, had a bachelor’s degree, served 4 years on active duty in the Marines, and paid every penny of my tuition with my own money and the GI Bill. I also got 37 As and 3 A-minuses and graduated with a 3.97. I knew wanted to go to law school and go into politics by running for Congress someday.

While I was in the Marines, my mother and entire extended family also moved to FL. Now both sides of my family all lived in FL while I was in Marines and CA, so I no longer had any connection to Cape Cod. I also felt if I stayed in CA and went to law school there with student loans and no money, I would not be able to buy a home for a very long time. So I applied to Florida, Florida State, and Miami and was accepted to all 3. I chose FSU for politics - I wanted to intern at the state capital and I got a coveted legislative intern position where I had to work 20 hours a week in the House and they paid all my tuition. There was never a single time during my college career when I was not also working a job at the same time I was going to school.

But the summer before I started law school I decided to return to the Cape one last time. I rented a room in a big boarding house in Hyannisport and got a job scooping ice cream cones. I will never forget that job interview. The manager said - ‘you are a college graduate, did 4 years in the Marines, heading to law school, and you want to scoop ice cream cones? I can make you an Asst. Manager for the summer.’ I told him that this was my last chance to go back and be a kid a little bit after a lot of hard work and I wanted no responsibility. So I spent that summer making $8 an hour and had a blast.

That was also when I met my wife, Jackie. She was 20 years old, from Rhode Island, and had just finished a year of college while working at a nursing home. She was also from a working class family with a strict German-immigrant mother and it was her first time away from home and I was her first real boyfriend. It was one of those situations where we both just knew right away. Yes, we were very young at 23 and 20, but at the end of the summer I asked her to come with me to law school and we got married after the first semester. Five kids and 33 years later we are still very happily together.

I graduated near the top of my class but never wanted to work for a big law firm. We started having kids right away and I had 4 by the time I was 28. I often joked that I could walk by Jackie in the hallway and she would get pregnant! I wanted my kids to have a great childhood and do all the activities that I was never able to do growing up and wanted to be very involved in their activities, and working 60-70 hours a week as a junior associate at big firm wasn’t going to work. So I became a prosecutor. A lot less money, but mostly 9-5 and very rewarding.

I also got into politics and started hitting the Republican Clubs and chicken dinner circuit. But the things you had to do to claw your way up the ladder in politics when you have no family connections was time-consuming and not for me. It was also pretty slimy and so much of it was inauthentic personal relationships from self-obsessed climbers. I decided it was much more important to be a good dad and husband than it was to set myself up to run for Congress someday.

But I still did quite a lot professionally and politically. I was a state prosecutor, then a federal prosecutor, then a Police Academy Director. I was General Counsel for the Sarasota Republican Party. Little League President. Then elected twice as president of the largest Republican Club in our area. I was appointed by Rick Scott and then reappointed by Ron Desantis to the Judicial Nominating Committee. I had no higher ambitions for myself at that point.

It was in the mid-2000s that my political views began to change, but it was a gradual process. I went into private practice doing criminal defense because I needed to make more money for my young family and I was coaching the sports teams of my kids, so I needed a job where I was my own boss and could make my own schedule. I was never going to get rich - but I had the right balance between work and family.

But in that job I started working with people every day who had struggles - growing up in abusive families and tough neighborhoods, drug addictions, mental health issues, stuck in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. I also worked with a lot of migrants because they were unable to get driver’s licenses in FL, which led to unnecessary legal troubles for them. I began to see with my own eyes the disconnect between how many of my fellow Republicans viewed people with these struggles and their reality.

I began to develop empathy really for the first time for other people. I was always one of those “up from your bootstraps” Republicans. My thinking was - if I could do it anyone can. Well, some people had it much tougher than me and were dealt a different hand of cards. I just needed to live that experience because it isn’t something you are going to learn from a book. Yes, I grew up in a family that didn’t have much - but I also got a magnificent education, grew up in a neighborhood with little crime, was healthy and not abused (although my mom did like the belt!).

Then Barack Obama ran for president in 2008, and that was another thing that was a factor in my eventual exit from the Republican Party. I was President of a huge Republican Club during that time - and I watched and listened to the things that were said in those meetings about him. I will just say that is when a lot of ugliness came to the surface. It mystified me why it was so personal and nasty. Although I disagreed with him on some policy issues, he was a family man, christian, scandal free, hard working - all the things Republicans promote and are supposed to admire. But their hatred of Obama was something visceral. Something different. It wasn’t about policy differences. I began to realize that race was the main reason why.

I have often looked back on my time as an active Republican pre-Obama and asked myself if the racism was always there and I just didn’t see it? Probably. Maybe I didn’t want to see it. But I saw it in 2008-09, and I didn’t want any part of it. When John McCain had that event where he told a questioner in the audience that he wasn’t going to go there on the birtherism and Muslim stuff and that isn’t what the party should be all about - that really hit home for me because I had many of those moments myself as a Republican Club president.

Eventually, I just simply had enough of it because it just kept getting worse not better during Obama’s presidency. I left my position and checked out of most political activities with the Republican Party. I still showed up for some things when asked out of obligation, but my kids were entering High School and I just decided they were a better use of my time than the GOP.

Then 2015 came along, and Donald Trump ran for president. Everyone who grew up in the northeast in the 1980s knew who Trump was, and most of us couldn’t stand him. I was also a fan of the USFL football league growing up, and I watched Trump come in as an owner and promptly wreck the league with his dishonesty, self-aggrandizement, arrogance and incompetence. I really didn’t think there was any way that the party was going to nominate someone like Trump - I supported Marco Rubio in that primary.

Trump was everything conservatives said they were against in every way. In his personal life, his business dealings, his character, personality - everything. He was obviously racist, pretending to be religious when he was not, pretending to be a brilliant businessman when he was not. Not a good father or husband. A draft dodger. Misogynist. You know the list. I simply could not reconcile how grass roots Republican activists could despise Obama and love Trump when one lived his life in every way how Republicans say it should be led, while Trump did the exact opposite. That is when I realized that their principles and ideals meant less to them than they did to me. They cared about power and winning much more than policies and ideas. So I checked out completely.

I did not vote for Trump in 2016. I voted ‘None of the Above’ for president and voted for Republicans down-ballot. In hindsight, I wish I had voted for Hillary, but I also still did not expect Trump to win - especially after Access Hollywood. So it was more of a symbolic protest for me. But I still sleep better at night knowing that I never once voted for him even though I was a lifelong Republican. One of the few.

I checked out until 2020 and covid. Up to that point, I avoided watching TV or reading news. I did stuff with my family and watched sports. I didn’t want to see or hear anything from Trump. What disgusted me even more than Trump himself was watching people I liked and respected, who I knew never liked Trump at all, sell out to him because of their own personal ambition. People I respected and thought I knew. I have often said that is why I ultimately left the party - not because of Trump, but because of what everyone else in the party did in response to Trump. They surrendered everything they believed in and stood for - or at least what they claimed to believe in.

But in February 2020, just like everyone else, I was at home not knowing how many of us were going to die or lose our jobs during lockdowns watching Trump conduct his covid briefings where I was looking for facts and information. And I was horrified. Day after day, when I wanted to hear from scientists and public health officials, I listened to this blowhard ramble on about his grievances, Hillary Clinton, Obama, North Korea, Benghazi, Russiagate, the Perfect Phone Call, how great he was - I was furious. I was screaming and yelling, throwing things at the TV. I absolutely could not believe this buffoon was in charge of our country at a critical time, and my friends helped put him there.

That is when I made up my mind that I was going to do everything I could to help defeat him, but I didn’t know how. I was watching CNN one day that March and a commercial came on from ‘Republican Voters Against Trump.’ It was started by Bill Kristol, Sarah Longwell, and Tim Miller. I knew who they were and respected them. They were asking Republicans who were against Trump to go to their website and make a video stating their reasons why. I was pretty stunned because I didn’t realize there were prominent Republicans out there just like me who couldn’t stand Trump and were still willing to stand up to him. Then I saw some of the people from Lincoln Project, who I also knew, on TV trashing Trump and I knew there was a small movement out there I wanted to be a part of.

But it was still hard. I stewed on it for 2 weeks. I knew once I did that, I would leave a lifetime in the GOP behind, burn bridges, lose friends. But I did it. I wrote out a script, listed 27 different reasons why I despised Trump, and made 4 minute video. A short time later, I was contacted by RVAT to do more. So I did. They put me on billboards and in some ads. I got on Twitter for the very first time - which I swore I would never do. I did it to try and convince as many moderate Republicans to vote for Joe Biden, and I did it tirelessly.

I didn’t have many followers and not that many people noticed me until the Rebekah Jones situation. Ron Desantis had agents raid her home. I didn’t know much about her or her case - we have never met. But I was appalled that he would use state law enforcement in an effort to intimidate someone. What I was most upset about was I felt he was hiding important health information from the public, and was using Jones to intimidate others inside the state government to keep quiet. So I sent him a letter resigning my appointment to the Judicial Nominating Commission, which I had held for 10 years, and posted that resignation on Twitter.

I had no idea that was going to result in huge national news. I had interview requests from national and international media from everywhere. Over the next two weeks I did as many interviews as I could - that also helped me go from 200 followers on Twitter to 10,000 and gave me a slightly bigger platform to get my anti-Trump message out to reasonable Republican voters.

My plan was to remain an anti-Trump Republican or switch to independent after the election. If Trump had conceded the election gracefully and walked away, that is probably what I would have done. But he didn’t, and I didn’t expect him to. I predicted he would never concede because he has never admitted that he lost anything in his life - despite many failures. What I did not expect was to watch a post-election press conference where Trump’s lawyers Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, and Jenna Ellis were going to claim that there was an international conspiracy between people in Venezuela, Italy and China to flip votes in the machines to steal the election.

Then came the Stop the Steal protests, the lawsuits, the audits, the mania. All culminating in J6. That two month time period in November-December 2020 really set up where I am today and what I am doing now. Because when I heard the stuff Rudy, Sidney & Jenna were saying I was stunned. I just didn’t understand how far the Right had gone into the world of conspiracy theories and disinformation. I was just unaware. So I dove into that world - into different platforms, following different groups and people. Some tech and social media-savvy activists saw what I was trying to do and offered to help me - and they did. Tremendously.

That is why, leading up to J6, I repeatedly warned there was going to be violence and it was going to be very ugly. I saw what they said they were going to do. They talked about wearing body armor, bringing improvised weapons, wearing masks, coordinating with other groups - doing whatever was necessary to stop the electoral count that day. When J6 played out largely like I predicted, I then gained a much larger following on social media from people who figured I might be someone who was good at figuring these people out and keeping track of what they were up to.

I also decided to switch parties, and registered as a Democrat on January 7, 2021. I felt the Republican Party was irretrievably broken and being independent was just straddling the fence when the Democratic party desperately needed clear-eyed leaders who were fearless about confronting MAGA. Although there are times when being a Democrat can be frustrating because there are different sensibilities in many areas I was not used to, I would rather have the occasional person scold me for my choice of a word than associate with insurrection apologists and habitual liars.

Throughout 2021-22 I started going to Trump rallies and events hosted by various MAGA influencers and activists. I mostly wanted to talk to the people, watch them, listen to them. I would walk through the parking lots and read all the bumper stickers on their cars. I checked out the merch booths to see what they were selling. I easily blended in because I came from that world. But I also saw that Trump brought a lot of new people into the party who were never Republican before 2016, had no loyalty to the party, and didn’t become Republican for the reasons I did - because of policy ideas. They were Republicans because they worshipped one man. And that man was repulsive.

One day I had a conversation with a very smart MAGA activist who knew who I was. Up to that point, I always believed that most Trump fans were just misguided, conned and duped and if you just gave them enough facts and reality about Trump they would come around. That was pretty much conventional wisdom among many who covered and observed MAGA from the outside looking in. But this activist explained to me that thinking was exactly wrong. He said that Trump fans were very well aware of most of the Trump traits and behavior that I abhorred - and those things are exactly what they loved about him.

I was really surprised by that take, but the more I thought about it and plugged it into my own experience with a fresh set of eyes it made perfect sense. He was exactly right. Although there are certainly misguided sheep in the MAGA movement, the vast majority are very well informed about Trump and they love all the obnoxiousness, boorishness and awfulness. They know that he lies but they don’t care. The way they see it - he lies to win and he has to do that to defeat his many diabolical enemies. Once you learn this simple truth about most Trump fans, you realize that you are wasting time trying to argue with them or convince them. You just have to defeat them.

I covered the right-wing mania at school board meetings and so many other places. Eventually, I realized that the mistake most Democrats make is that they thought they could defeat this phenomenon by defeating Trump - either in court or at the ballot box. But I felt that the focus needed to be on the movement behind Trump - the MAGA cult. The activists, influencers, media, grifters, podcasters, etc. These are the people who really drive the Trump train. And I saw in so many of them so many weaknesses - their checkered backgrounds and past positions, barely disguised racism and misogyny, lack of education, perversion of christianity, greed and shameless grifting, and how much many of them disliked each other.

So I devised a plan to combat and take on the MAGA movement heading into 2024. I put that plan in writing and pitched it to the same former Republican groups I worked with in 2020. While they saw the value in what I had in mind, they are PACs and political consultants. They make their money by raising huge sums from big donors and making ads. The project I had in mind to fight back against MAGA wasn’t going to make them any money - it was going to cost them. But I felt that the money they would have invested in my project would have been far more effective than throwing another million down the cumulative $2 billion dollar rabbit hole of ads during that cycle.

After 6 months of being unable to persuade any of them to invest in the team I wanted to put together to go after MAGA, I eventually expressed my frustrations on Twitter that I really had a great plan, wasn’t a grifter or trying to get rich, I thought that plan was a hell of lot more effective than anything else being done for a fraction of the cost, but it didn’t fit neatly into any box that would fit into a consultant’s business model. The main problem was that I was a busy full-time practicing lawyer and the only way I was going to be able to do it was to walk away from that after 29 years. I just needed someone to replace that income and hire the team I wanted.

A few months went by and Ben Meiselas called me. He said that he read what I wrote and had been thinking about it a lot. He also wanted to leave the practice of law and do this full time by starting a pro-democracy independent media company with his brothers. He had been thinking about a way to merge that idea with my plan, where the team would take on MAGA and do many of the things I had in mind, but also writing about it and chronicling our work hoping that people would support it and we could fund it with grass roots support.

I didn’t really want to work for a PAC or political consultants, because they have their own agenda that is a bit different from mine. Even though Ben’s concept wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, it was pretty close and made a lot of sense to me the more I started thinking about it. But the most important thing for me was knowing that the brothers were authentic and had their hearts in the right place. This was a big move for me and I was only going to make it if everything was right. I hate phonies, grifters and frauds - as you can probably tell from my writing. It is one of the reasons why I despise MAGA.

What I learned over time in watching them and listening to them was that the Meidas boys were the real deal. They were honest, extremely hardworking, dedicated, principled and fearless. I felt that I was those things as well and it was a perfect fit. I would not have gone to work for them if I ever felt they were any different. So we began to assemble a great team of similar people who brought different skills to the table, and got to work.

Eventually I seized upon the idea to focus on writing the daily bulletins after the election. While it is a tremendous amount of work every day, I felt it was the best way to give people a snapshot into the world that I have monitored every day since 2020 across many different platforms. I also did it because I did not see anyone else out there in any media company doing anything like it. With my column you really get such a broad spectrum of political news and events that you simply cannot find anywhere else. That was my goal.

I hope now you have a better perspective on where I am coming from and how I got here. We may not agree on everything, but I bet we agree on most things - the things that really matter. Hopefully, even when you disagree with something I write or say, you will also now recognize that it comes from a place of good intentions, and it is not that important that we agree on everything.

That is why I don’t necessarily make heroes or villains out of current or former Republicans who stand up to Trump because of their past positions. The political landscape in America continues to change rapidly. I believe that a serious realignment has been happening between the parties and will continue to happen. Some demographics and groups who have been taken for granted by each party continue to move away from them for a variety of reasons. The party that shuns people because of their past positions or current differences on one or two issues will be the party that loses this battle over time.

I think ultimately we are all trying to get to the same place, which is returning our country to some sense or normalcy and decency by relegating this toxic political movement called MAGA to a fringe party by relentless truth telling to discredit it. It is a long and difficult path, but one we at Meidas have chosen to take with you. Unlike many, I never viewed any one election cycle as being decisive in this struggle. It will take at least a decade, maybe two. But I’m in this for the long haul because I know we are on the right side of history.

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

The Valkyries Personalities according to my version: (I don't like that name but can't think of another one at the moment)

Lily: Very clever and intuitive. She knows well the world around her but she is also a dreamer. Romantic at excellence. She can be naive sometimes and very innocent with certain topics but with others she knows a lot. She is an introvert but she actually speaks a lot. She doesn't like large crowds but she likes talking to people. She loves giving advice and listening to people. Although she can be a bit nosy into other people's businesses, and maybe she gets involved too much which annoys them but she only wants to see them happy. She is very sensitive to other's peoples feelings. Cries a lot. And she hates to make people angry, that's why most of the time, she can't say no. Then she is overwhelmed with how much she has to do and how many people she has to help. This includes teachers. Too good for this world, and sometimes people take advantage of her. She is insecure about herself and thinks that by being always nice people are going to like her. But don't be fooled, she is fierceful when she has to be and she puts people in their places (that's when they really hurt her). She used to be that annoying little girl that snooped on mischief and told the teachers (reason why the Marauders couldn't stand her and her best friend was Snape), but as she grew up, she let herself losen up a bit and learned to enjoy herself (especially after she stopped talking to Snape).

Mary: I think she is the only one (maybe besides James) that has genuine confidence and that makes her pretty sexy. She likes herself generally, except she doesn't think she has a good voice when she sings like an angel. She is flirty and talkative. She is an extrovert, always knowing the clever thing to say. She is constantly making knew friends or acquiring new lovers. She is the perfect person to go to if you need cheering up. She is very romantic but she doesn't think romance is for her (she is Aromantic), although she loves to play cupid amongt her friends. Her confident and flirty personality makes other girls jealous and they feel intimated by Mary. That's why she has a lot of enemies, out of poor envy. Even though people whisper things about her, she tries to never be down. When she was younger, and she first got to Hogwarts, she used to care a lot about what others thought of her. So she lied about her family and told everyone her parents were rich and important. Then the lie became too difficult to bare. And although her reputation was worse as people thought she was a liar, she realized that her true friends would not care who she was, they would love her no matter what. That gave her courage to always be herself and don't care about what others thought.

Marlene: She is the definition of sarcasm. She is the youngest of two bothers, so she had to learn to make a place for herself in this misogynistic world. She is loud, an extrovert who uses humor as her self defense weapon. Sometimes she is tough but she could feel like a princess as well. Adores femininity. She seems confident because she answers the most clever answer you can think of. She has no filter of what she says or does (especially when she is angry) and then she thinks about the consequences. She is cleverly funny. She is admirably brave as well. Contrary to what others believe, she is very vulnerable but would only cry when she is hiding under her covers. When she fancies someone or admires someone she gets very adorably nervous around them. She gets goofy, saying stupid things or talking fast or tripping in the way. She is the best one listening to people because she is honest but at the same time helps. But you'll have to choose the perfect moment because she is constantly moving and doing something. So she gets very distracted.

Dorcas: Seems like the most delicate girl but there's so much more about her. She is beautiful without knowing it. She is that type of girl who doesn't need makeup to be perfect. Introvert and shy. But she is good at making friends because she is nice, and excellent adviser and has a motherly way to make you feel better. Grew up pressured by her mother to be the best ballet dancer as she used to be when she was younger. She is constantly in rehearsals and never enjoys her youth or freedom. She loves her mother and her dream is to be a dancer, so she doesn't complain. She also sees the best in people. She had to adapt to her friends and her world, scared of being rejected and because she thought they were the only one she had. But there's also a rebel side of her. That side had been dormant until she met Marlene and fell in love for the first time. She starts speaking up more for herself. She stars doing what she wants and not what everyone tells her. She is strong and she believes in social justice. She defends everyone who is vulnerable or is a minority.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

JR: I want to start with kindness. So much of your writing is centered around it, including how many of us struggle with it. Why is kindness important to you?

GS: One of the first images I received of Jesus was this idea of somebody who was so aware of where he was and so selfless that he could intuit what was needed in a given situation to make it better. When I was younger, it hit me that that would be a superpower if I could do that.

Then I got drafted into doing my daughter's sixth grade graduation speech. And I thought, Well, what do I really know as an old fart? It was not much, actually. Except when I scanned back over my life, I had a couple of regrets. They almost all had to do with not being kind enough, which for me often meant being preoccupied with something else or being anxious or being too insecure to step up and do what somewhere in my body I knew was right.

I shared that with the sixth graders, and a few years later gave a version of that to the Syracuse group. At that point, I wouldn't have said that I was that interested in kindness. But you make a speech like that and it gets attention. Suddenly you're The Kindness Person.

For me, it's the practice of trying to believe that the person on the other side is just as real as you are. You happen to be seeing things through these eyes. But theoretically, you could flip around and see them through the other person's eyes, and it would be the same universe.

That has a lot of moral implications, but it also has aesthetic implications. Meaning that story is like a snow globe that you can walk around and go, “Oh, if I imagined these events from this point of view, it would look like this. If I change the perspective, it looks like that.” In the end, the holographic view of the story would be infused with total compassion because you'd know every angle and they would all seem completely reasonable.

JR: Speaking of the snow globe: So many of your characters are trying to be and do good. And it’s really complicated. What feels like doing good in one moment can change in the next based on something as simple as the character walks into a different room. Or we move into another character’s equally convincing POV that opposes or contradicts the one we were just immersed in. Is good something concrete and definable? Is there an Ultimate Truth to life?

GS: When you say, “Here's the situation,” and the reader goes, “Oh, yeah, I get it.” And then you switch, whether it's in that perspective or in another one, there's that moment of disorientation where the reader goes, “Okay, I thought there was just one truth. Now there's at least two. Might there be even more?” This is something I really love about Chekhov: you keep waiting for him to weigh in, to put his finger on the scales, but he doesn't. He's really good at making eight or four or whatever different equally weighted scales.

The ultimate moral work of fiction is to show us how quickly and facilely we judge. Then, if it's a good one, the story teaches you that you can keep several ideas going at once. You can even have several simultaneous moral judgments going at once. To me, that's the highest form of it....

GS:

Kindness doesn't mean niceness. Ultimately, I think it means realism. I always use the example of somebody goes into a coffee shop, and the barista has been crying. Okay, what's the kind thing to do? Well, we don't actually know, because I didn't give you enough information. Even when you're standing there, you don't have enough information. Then it becomes a referendum on how might one decide? And that has something to do with what's going on in your mind before you walk into a coffee shop. If you're thinking I'm such a great, generous teacher of kindness, and then that person is the crying, you’re going to leap in whether you should or not.

I think there's a natural beneficence that rises in us, but the problem is, we don't always know the truth of that situation. A lot of what we think is the truth is our mind supplying some bullshit and we react to that rather than the actual situation. So to be kind might be exactly equal to being so quiet minded that you see clearly, and then your natural goodness will just rise up. But that's all theory.

JR: So beautifully put. One of the biggest complications is that one crying barista might want her tears acknowledged, and the other one might want them ignored.

GS: That’s exactly right. I was walking through O'Hare a couple months ago, and I saw a young woman coming the other way just weeping. I thought, I could either be the obnoxious old guy interfering in a private moment. Or she might be on the very edge where somebody's got to say something to her. I couldn't tell.

That’s where I think it’s good to look at your preset. Why do I want to rush over to her and reassure her? We each have a sort of ambient preset – for me, it’s a mild saviour complex – that might interfere with what the actual moment is telling us. In other words, I was in a particular place when I saw her. And maybe that was a good impulse. Or maybe it wasn't. It’s literally that beautiful phrase, my heart went out to her. So that's an ongoing truth--and that's just somebody walking by in an airport. But what to DO about it? That’s the question. So this leads us to the question of awareness, and of how fully the dataset that is “this moment” is coming through to us.

https://janeratcliffe.substack.com/.../the-kindness...

[thanks Rebecca Solnit]

[megashadowdragon]

www . reddit . com/r/camphalfblood/comments/sxczuc/why_tantalus_pjo/

why tantalus

(This is a long one folks)

There’s a question I always had in Sea of Monsters, who decided to put Tantalus in charge of anything? Reading it again, here are my thoughts. The explanation, Dionysus is smarter than we give him credit for.

First off, I’m 99% positive that Dionysus’ hand was forced in the decision to boot Chiron. This is for a few reasons. First off, why would Dionysus want to boot the competent guy who makes his life a little more bearable? booting Chiron would give Dionysus more work to do.

Second, Dionysus is a young god. Wayyyy younger than the rest. He even admits in TTC that he’s not been around long and doesn’t know/care much about all the Titan lore. If Dionysus tried to defend Chiron and testify his innocence, the other gods would tell him that he was too young to know all the details and that his opinion was invalid. Honestly, half of Olympus probably still see Dionysus as a teenager.

Third, he actually knows Chiron. He worked with him for years and was also a former student of his. He knows from first hand experience that Chiron is a cool guy and a good teacher. He would know that Chiron would never do something like that.

Now, why would the replacement be someone from the fields of punishment? Why not someone who is qualified or you know, alive? Dionysus could have called up Quintus, or literally anyone. Why would a dead person be the go to option. What follows may shock you. You know how in Last Olympian how Nico got a skeleton chauffeur as a gift from Hades? Hades loves giving gifts to his children, it’s probably his love language. What if I told you that Dionysus is also a child of Hades? I know what you’re thinking, ‘but Mort, Dionysus is a son of Zeus. He was literally born from Zeus’ thigh.’ That is true, but remember Dionysus was born twice. What was his first birth?

In some versions the first time he was born to Persephone and Hades as Zagreus. When Zagreus was still a baby a prophecy went around that he would kill Zeus. Zeus took it well for some reason and decided he wanted to be a cool uncle. Hera did not see it the same way, so she released the titans from Tartarus and told them to kill baby Zag. They took Zag and tore him to shreds. Though born a god, his body was young and too mutilated to reform. But everyone knew if the heart was found, my Zagreus could be reborn. After a great search the heart was declared destroyed. It turned out Zeus found the heart. He took it and hid it away in a box, where it remained for years. Then, when he fell in love with Semele, he decided to use the heart to conceive a child. He slipped the heart in some mean soup he made and gave it to her. Why? Maybe he felt responsible for Hera’s actions and wanted to make things right. Maybe he thought this would give him more control of the prophecy, who knows. What matters is that he did it and that Dionysus has two bio fathers and two bio mothers.

It’s clear in Dionysus’ personality and abilities that this is true. He holds grudges like Hades and inherited his coldness. He has plant powers like Persephone, has the same personality, and inherited the ability to take punishments to the next level. My point is, Hades is one of Dionysus’ dads. Hades would not allow one of his dead guys to leave on an order from Olympus. The only way he would allow it was if the dead person was leaving to serve one of his children. And since we know Hades gifts dead people to his children it’s safe to say Hades was like, “Hey son, you wanna come downstairs and pick a new activities director? You can pick anyone you want.” And Dionysus was all like, “Aww dad, a corpse? You shouldn’t have.”

Why the fields of punishment? Maybe Hades was feeling generous and wanted to offer one of the guys a break. Or maybe he thought it would be funny to let them exchange one punishment for another. But it is heavily implied Dionysus picked out Tantalus. But why?

Dionysus picked out Tantalus for many reasons. First, he knew Tantalus would be easily manipulated. Due to Tantalus’ punishment, he is unable to eat or drink. Hunger and hydration is one of the easiest tools of manipulation. And Dionysus is seen distracting Tantalus with food and drinks on multiple occasions. This simple distraction would be a tool to prevent him from causing any real harm.

Second, Tantalus is gullible. Even though Dionysus wasn’t alive when the Tantalus shenanigans went down, it’s pretty easy to tell the guy wasn’t very bright. Imagine ticking off the gods twice on food related offences, how stupid do you have to be? It’s not like he said the wrong thing or messed up some etiquette, he literally tried to A: steal their food, and B: cannibalise his son. The man had chances and he missed them. Dionysus knew this guy was a moron and played his cards right. Remember folks, Dionysus is not only the god of wine, but he’s also the god of theatre. Thus making him the greatest actor of all time. He acts like he’s Tantalus’ friend and buddy. Makes him think that they’re on the same side. He manipulates Tantalus into thinking he has real power. Tantalus reinstates the chariot races, Dionysus goes with it because it gives Tantalus the illusion of authority. Making tantalus think he has a big important job was another way for Dionysus to keep him out of the way. So Dionysus could run the camp to the best of his abilities. And you can tell by the end of the book, the wine-dude is exhausted.

The third reason, Tantalus is horrible. Tantalus is disgusting, a terrible person, and a terrible instructor. Dionysus picked him because he was terrible, but not dangerous enough to cause real harm to the children. Dionysus knew if the replacement was awful it would eventually cause enough godly parental complaints to get Tantalus fired and Chiron reinstated. That is why Dionysus did not call up Quintus or choose a qualified dead person. He wanted his horse-man back.

So yeah, this is my hot take. Dionysus is no idiot. And for tantalus, the game was rigged from the start.

[cynical-crypt]

Autism ask meme

(originally by @autie-j​)

Here's an ask meme specifically for autistic people

How old were you when you found out you were autistic? 5

Do you have any other autistic people in your family? Or are you the only one? most people in my family are autistic or have some kind of other neurodivergence

Do you have any comorbidities? Or just autism? severe adhd and “very likely bpd,” as my psych put it

Are you LGBTQIA+? yup

What do you wish more people knew about autism? that it makes it hard to exist around people and also that it doesn’t automatically make you “dumb”

Have you ever been in a relationship? quite a few

Do you find it hard to make friends? yes, unless we have several things in common

If you have any, what are your special interests? fall out boy and anything i was really into when i was little

What was your first special interest? prob warrior cats or lps

What are your most common stims? rocking fwd/side, bobbing my head

If you could give any advice to your younger self, what would it be? keep being cringe its ok

Do you headcanon any characters as autistic? If you want, tell us why you headcanon them as autistic. a lot of characters if they remind me of myself in the autistic ways

Tell us an autistic person that you really look up to. kittydog. shes also my friend but shes one of the people that inspired me to start animating

Are you currently in school? does reading wikipedia pages for 12 hours straight count

Have you ever received any accommodations for your autism in either school or work? my teachers let me listen to music but thats about it

Do you have any autistic friends? i dont think i have any that arent autistic

Do you own any stim toys? Which is your favorite? i have plastic straws to chew on

Do you find it easier to get along with other autistic people? depends on whether or not theyre annoying in the “everything is offensive to me!11!!” way but generally yeah

What kinds of things are sensory hell for you? plastic anything being crinkled and more than one person talking to me

What kinds of things are good sensory wise? music i like and silence

How open are you usually when it comes to being autistic? i mean i told my teachers but they also knew i was trans so

Would you say you're proud to be autistic? yeah i guess so. i see the world differently and i think thats neat

What's the longest you've ever has a special interest for? 10 years i think. i still like homestuck but its not a special interest anymore. i take that back ive liked httyd since it was in theaters

Do you have meltdowns? yes but not publicly

What about shutdowns? really frequently yeah

Do you avoid eye contact? yes unless im doing it to annoy my friends. then suddenly im amazing at eye contact but otherwise if i look someone in the eyes ill be on the verge of tears and i will want to run away

Do you have any vocal stims or echolalia? does singing a single verse over and over again from whatever song im fixated on count?

How long do your special interests usually last for? 2-3 years

Are your friends and/or family accepting of your autism? yeah my mom and i watch people and be like “thats so autistic. theyre like me look theyre making the me face” and we do that for hours

Favorite canon autistic character? hiro hamada, mothflight, all of them...

Do you have a comfort item? If you feel comfortable with it, then show it to us. too lazy to take a picture but a wolf plush my dad gave me when i was 7 i absolutely cannot sleep without it

What are your same foods? microwave meatloaf and chicken alfredo

Foods you are sensitive to (maybe because of bad texture for instance)? pickes, taste is too jarring... also anything chunky in a certain way

Do you enjoy hugs? Or are they sensory hell? depends on the person but i dont like being touched in general so

Have you ever used a weighted blanket? yes theyre great i need one so bad

Do you have routines that you have to follow? What's in your routine? i have to pick up my cat and pet her every single day or else i will be angry the whole day and wont want to talk to anyone

Do you enjoy holidays or are they sensory hell to you? i dont like them. i hide in the bathroom or in the corner the whole time

How good are you at detecting sarcasm? terrible. i either take EVERYTHING as sarcasm or nothing as sarcasm no inbetween

What's the most comfortable/sensory friendly outfit you own? old mental hospital pants and this one specific hoodie ive had for 12 years that somehow still fits me

Do you collect anything related to your special interest? yes

If you date people then would you prefer to date other autistic people? yes

Tell us something about your special interest. eevees. adobe flash. dance dance by fall out boy and let’s dance by five

If you could have any item related to your special interest what would it be? warriors figurines but theyre all how i see them in my head

Who are your favorite autistic bloggers? Say something nice about them. i dont think i follow any neurotypical people if i do i sure as hell dont know about it. i love all of you keep posting

Favorite autistic celebrity? 田尻智。pokemon destroyed my life and im glad it did

Are you generally a loud or quiet person? quiet i suck so bad at verbal speech that i just dont talk 99% of the time lol

Do you happy flap? on occasion

What is your favorite special interest related item you own? Show it to us if you want. all of my toothless (httyd) and bnha merch. i have so much

What's something you find hard to do because of autism? anything that requires extended attention that im not interested in

Free question. Ask anything you want! Any topic at all! can i go to bed...?

[gduncan969]

Words Like 'Like' Have Meaning

The Epoch Times newspaper (August 3 - 9) carried an article by Jeffrey Tucker—(not Susan’s husband of the same name)— bemoaning the ubiquitous use of the word “like” especially among the younger generation. It’s a word they inject into every sentence of every conversation they speak, often more than once per sentence, much to the annoyance of the listener who is trying to understand what they are really saying. He gives an example typical of what we’ve all heard at one time or another:

“I woke up so thirsty so I was like where’s my water? But I looked in the fridge and it was like empty because people drank it up last night. Everyone was like where is the water so I can drink it? So like suddenly it was gone but like no one said anything to me. So I’m like dudes like cut it out with the water thing, cause like without water, we are like dying over here. Whatever, I’m like OK. I’ll turn on the tap and like fill up a glass on my own. I’m sooo thirsty I’ll like do anything literally. I’m just like chugging away and thinking like sheesh omg I’m already like literally better”.

This issue reminds me of several other words that are similarly misused in modern parlance, words like“cool”,“dudes”, “far out” etc., and remember, too, those quintessential Canadian-isms, “Eh” and “You know” that our American neighbors like to draw our attention to. Tucker calls the ‘like’ word “a plague which has become a substitute for the English language itself” So what’s the problem if they sprinkle these words among every sentence, what harm does it do? Those who study such things tell us it reveals something much deeper about us and these words are more than just sentence-fillers to be used while trying to figure out what we really want to say. It’s what their use reveals that should concern us. Words have meaning and the best definition of words I’ve come across is one by Norman Grubb, who writes, “Words are crystallized thoughts”. As a retired chemist who spent many years crystallizing things, the idea that words are what we use to encapsulate and express ourselves from the jumble of thoughts rattling around our brains is just fine with me. We use words to communicate what we are thinking. My old high school English teacher, Frances M. Anderson, a tiny little woman with a stooped back, stiff gait and a first class honours degree from Oxford University held complete sway over our class of 6ft teenage louts, not with an iron fist—her hands were crippled with arthritis —but with her rapier tongue and an infinite store of English words which had the uncanny ability to describe our misbehavior in terms that left us in no doubt as to our guilt. We had a holy fear of that woman who could cut you to pieces with her tongue should you step out of line and it came as no surprise to find out she was the author of Oxford University Press’s “Pocket Dictionary of the English Language”. She gave us the only explanation I’ve ever heard of why people use foul language (swear): “they swear because they don’t know the language well enough to express what they really think”. In other words, people who swear are simply showing their ignorance and in a world now full of F-bombs every time you turn around, that’s a message that needs telling. However, as a Christian I also recognize that foul language can have a demonic source operating behind the ignorance as explained by two now-deceased friends, Rev. George Mackenzie and Rev. Gordon Williams. In describing their conversion experience of coming to faith in Christ they testified to the fact that the moment they committed their lives to Jesus, their foul mouths were immediately cleansed, not because they thought it ungodly to be using foul language and thus decided to stop but simply by the work of the Holy Spirit now dwelling within them. Although they were totally unaware of the change that had taken place the friends they bumped into in the hours afterwards immediately recognized the change and asked what had happened to them. As one friend commented, “What’s happened to you because you used to stop in the middle of a word to swear and you haven’t sworn once today!”

Tucker’s cure for those suffering from the ‘like’ affliction is to read a book, preferably a classic and read it aloud, taking note of the number of times this word appears where it is not necessary and then talk to someone about what you read without using the word ‘like’. Doing this for a few days you will find yourself speaking intelligibly and others will start listening to you again and even regard you as articulate (though some might argue an articulate teenager is an oxymoron). However, no one will do this unless they first understand what lies behind these word afflictions.

Misusing words is revealing

We are living in a culture that is redefining the meaning of words at will. Behind this is a very powerful global effort by the ultra-rich and powerful who have rejected God and the biblical definitions of right and wrong to redefine and control our way of living and they are putting tremendous pressure on the rest of us with the support of governments and media to conform to these radical views on a whole host of fundamental topics. I’m old enough to remember when being gay simply meant being happy and when being cool simply meant you had air conditioning. Keeping up with the latest jargon is simply impossible but much more important is what lies behind these redefined buzz words because there is indeed a method in their madness. ChatGPT informs us that the insertion of the word ‘like’ into every sentence uttered is designed to “express hesitation, convey emotion, or provide emphasis” but in fact it does none of these things. Tucker’s article says “it is deployed as a mark of grave insecurity” meaning that using the word ‘like’ in this manner is an attempt to avoid responsibility for what you are saying. Translating that last sentence into the double-speak of ‘like’ users would go something like: ‘like’ you only think ‘like‘ what you are saying is ‘like’ true but you want the listener to understand that it may not be and you don’t want the listener to hold you responsible if it isn’t because you are afraid of being canceled which may result in the loss of your status, your acceptance, your reputation, your job, etc. The FEAR that lies behind this whole subject arises from the cancel culture that pervades much of our public and even private discourse—”say the wrong thing and we will destroy” you is the mantra of the virulent left and the whole world seems to be bowing down to their woke demands. The increasing result of this grave insecurity is the deafening silence that is the response of most what were once called normal, decent people. These are still there and still form the largest segment of our society but they are far too silent and far too compliant with these new rules of behavior to bring a halt to the nonsense. Fear is a powerful deterrent. Who is willing to lose their job, their position, their status, their freedom by voicing an alternative opinion?

The Christian and the words we use

I predict God’s word, the bible, will soon be banned as hate speech. The process of doing so is well underway and there are many examples of this such as Franklin Graham’s crusade in the UK last year, banned because the bible calls homosexuality sin. Though the courts have ruled in Franklin’s favor, the trend continues on and it won’t be long before Christians will be persecuted and jailed for preaching the bible. A Christian group are now suing the Quebec government who canceled their convention in Montreal because of their biblical stance on abortion. The big question is how will the rest of us Christians react? If the almost completely unopposed closure of churches during the recent pandemic is any example, I fear their will be much more acquiescence than antagonism from the churches which seem to have swallowed the lie that governments and those in authority must be obeyed, no exceptions. This speaks to the great “falling away” that Jesus warned us of in his discourse in Matthew 7: 13 - 23 and Luke 13:24 - 30 dealing with the end times of this present age. Scary though it may be, we cannot ignore Jesus’ words in Luke 21: 25 - 26 “And there will be signs in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars; and on the earth distress of nations, with perplexity, the sea and the waves roaring; men’s hearts failing them from fear and the expectation of those things which are coming on the earth, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken.” Even a cursory glance at what’s going on all around the world these days points to the immanence of His coming. The latest buzz-word on climate change from the environmental crowd is “Global Boiling”, a term clearly meant to scare us. Then there’s the“signs in the heavens” such as UFO’s (now called UAP’s because the public were beginning to laugh off UFO’s and they must be kept in a state of fear) and there can be no doubt about the “distress of nations” that is unfolding before us as the threat of war between the great powers has never been greater. The question in many believers’ minds today is: “What does all this mean?” and they are looking for an answer but many run from the biblical answer that Christ is returning soon. Accepting that reality and reading the above verses from Matthew and Luke simply adds to the fear they already have but don’t forget, the fear of Christ’s return is a Godly fear which brings us wisdom so Godly fear is our friend, not our foe because it pushes us to examine the flip side of God’s amazing love for us: His holiness. We serve an awesome God! He is perfect in holiness and fearful to behold. Those who have seen Him in the fulness of His holiness have all had the same reaction as Peter did when his net was bursting with fish on the shores of Galilee: “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man”.

What should believer’s do in a world gone crazy?

Jesus goes on to say in Luke 21: 34 - 36 “But take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness, and cares of this life, and that Day come on you unexpectedly. For it will come as a snare on all those who dwell on the face of the whole earth. Watch therefore, and pray always that you may be counted worthy to escape all these things that will come to pass, and to stand before the Son of Man.” Whatever is going on in the world right now it is more and more clearly matching up with how the bible describes “the last days” and when that “Day” (the Day of the Lord) finally arrives it will snap like a bear trap on all of us. No more warnings, no more chances to repent, no more time to clean things up. We can ignore it at our peril and carry on trying to make the best of a bad lot as the world gets more and more complicated and challenging to survive in or, we can do as Jesus says to “watch and pray always” that we might prove ourselves worthy to escape all the dreadful things He tells us will happen in these times. The only way we can ever prove ourselves worthy is to demonstrate in our actions that we trust Him completely, love Him unabashedly and serve Him totally, telling others the good news of His deliverance from our sins. This we cannot do this by remaining fearful of and hidden from all that is happening around us but by taking action in His name. When Jesus says, “Watch and pray that you may be counted worthy..”, what is it He is asking us to do? What are we to watch? How are we to pray? Ephesians 5:15 tells us to “walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise.” 'Circumspectly' literally means “looking around you” and taking note of what you see and if we don’t walk this way we will look like fools when this worldly system comes crashing down and we go down with it. Furthermore, Verse 17 tells us “do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” so we are to walk in a way that makes us fully aware of what is unfolding before us and we are to pray for an understanding of what His will is during these last days. God has no "permissive will"—that’s the will we love to use to excuse our unanswered prayers but it says nothing of God’s will in a matter. He only has His “good and acceptable and perfect will” (Romans 12:2) which He can only reveal to us when we allow the Holy Spirit to transform our natural mind of the flesh to the supernatural mind of the spirit.

An Urgent Message From the Lord

I realize this is not a message that makes us smile and rejoice but it is an urgent message the Lord is giving to His Church in these last days. Some of you reading this will know that my daughter, Susan’s, mother-in-law, Marg Tucker, was tragically killed last May in a horrible vehicle accident in Migori, Kenya where she and her husband are missionaries. Susan and her husband (Jeffrey Tucker—no, not the writer of the article) flew off to Kenya to attend the funeral and be with Jeff’s dad and sister and family. On the morning of the funeral, Jeff, who was due to give a eulogy for his mother, awakened from sleep to hear his mother urgently telling him, “Jeff, you must tell the people they must enter by the narrow gate” (Matthew 7:13). Four thousand people attended the funeral and heard the message. Upon their return from Kenya, Susan asked me to speak at a memorial service for Marg and I asked the Lord what the message should be only to be told Matthew 7:13-14. A week later I watched a video on U-tube titled “Reinhardt Bonnke’s last message to the world”. Those of you who recognize that name will also recognize his ministry of evangelism to Africa where he spoke to crowds of millions (yes millions) of people and saw over 100,000 decisions for Christ in one day. Pastor Bonnke’s text for his last message to the world was Matthew 7:13. I almost fell off my chair but that’s not the end. A week or so later, I decided to watch a video of a Jewish woman’s testimony of how she came to faith in Christ and you can guess what the text of her message was: Matthew 7:13! All that to say I’m absolutely convinced we are in the last days and that the Lord urgently wants us to get the message that we cannot continue to be lazy in our approach to the Gospel or rely on a decision we made 40 or 50 years ago to follow Christ but have done nothing with that decision to follow Him and bear fruit for His Kingdom. He is calling us to lay down our lives for His sake and be willing to accept the consequences of the actions we take for His sake that may well result in our persecution, cancellation or even death. Scary stuff indeed but we must act because “Knowing, therefore, the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are well known to God, and I also trust are well known in your consciences.” (2 Corinthians 5:11). How well do we know the terror of the Lord?

[violettelueur]

RYŌMEN SUKUNA || KIND HEARTED

| featuring : ryōmen sukuna from jujutsu kaisen

| warnings : grammar error, but other than that n/a

| form : imagine

| word count : 1339

| published : 14 november

| request : could i request an imagine w/ sukuna where itadori’s best friend is just so welcoming of sukuna and tries to include him when they do things? like they’re just hanging out and she goes “sukuna would you like to try this” and she holds up a piece of food to his cheek so sukuna can try it and it just warms the curse’s cold dead heart bc she’s genuinely trying <3

| barista’s notes : i kinda went a little off track with this imagine ʕ ㅇ ᴥ ㅇʔ but i hope you enjoy your order of a cup of black coffee (jujutsu kaisen request) and that you have an amazing day! please come back again soon ʕ´•ᴥ•`ʔ

“You know, I think curses spirits have emotions”

“Mother, what in the world are you talking about? They don’t have feelings, they kill without remorse and try to gain power from their greed”

“Y/N dear, how are curses formed?”

“Negative emotions that results in cursed energy leaking from the bodies of humans”

“See ‘emotions’ is in the sentence dear”

“‘Humans’ mother, you forgot the word ‘humans’ was also in the sentence”

Back then you had no idea what your mother was suggesting or saying at that time. Curses having emotions? What was that all about? You knew from previous missions that some curses were intelligent from being able to take hostages to some being able to talk but other than that you still couldn’t comprehend what she was trying to communicate to you.

“You know the Legend of Sukuna?”

Looking up from your book, you stared at your mother - who was sitting on the opposite end of the room with a cup of tea in her hands - with a somewhat nonchalant but surprised expression on your face wondering why she brought up such a topic that was feared by most jujutsu sorcerers

“You used to tell me about it when I was younger, why are you bringing it up now?” you asked curiously, as you closed your book before gently placing it on your lap.

“We all know that the curse was a human before his fingers became cursed objects, don’t we? How do you think he felt when he was killed?”

You were about to answer her before you shut your mouth completely, not sure on how to even answer that question. How could you? No one knows the whole story to even come to a conclusion for that question, you have to interrupt the story in your own way to make one yourself? Wouldn’t he have been enraged when he was killed, annoyed at the fact that he lost in a way? Or was he unsettled? 

“Personally from my perspective, I think he would have been vexed at the fact that he somewhat lost, you mother?”

“I think the same as you, but I have a small feeling that he was upset for some reason, I’m not sure why though”

                                              ꕥ

You still have that assumption till this day. However, you were a little more open about your mother’s thoughts and took them into account sometimes when you were debating on the subject on your own. However, there was a slight shift in your opinion once Itadori Yuji unexpectedly came into your life.

The first time you meant the boy was when Gojo came back with him carrying him and Fushiguro back to Jujutsu high, confusing you completely on what was going on. For someone who was sent to just retrieve a cursed object, Fushiguro looked completely beat up and that worried you completely on what he had encountered during his time away. However, Gojo just couldn’t read the room.

“Yo Y/N, what is my favourite student doing at a time like this? It’s quite late you know,” he greeted you with a smile, before plopping Fushiguro on the ground.

“Sensei, now’s not the time to play with me, what the hell is going on?” you muttered annoyingly before using reserve curse energy to heal some of Fushiguro’s wounds.

After some time of your playful teacher explaining what was going on, you came to the conclusion that the boy ate the cursed object that Fushiguro was supposed to collect causing him to become Sukuna’s vessel as a consequence.

“So what you’re saying is that Fushiguro failed to get the object in the end,” you commented as you pointed at your close friend, leading to Gojo giving you an ‘okay’ sign telling you that you were technically correct.

“Was that all you got from the whole explanation Y/N?” Fushiguro irritatedly asked, causing you to lightly giggle before apologising to him.

                                              ꕥ

However, after that night, you made the decision to become friends with the teenager as you didn’t want him to feel completely isolated on his situation right now - he did leave everything behind to come to Tokyo - and with everything that was going to happen to him, you wanted him to live a happy life with people surrounding him before his execution after he ate all 20 fingers. What you didn't realise was this friendship would lead to you guys to have a sister and brother type of bond.

You and Itadori did everything together from going on missions together with Nobara and Fushiguro to randomly going out to do some shopping or showing him around Tokyo. As time went on, you decided to fully take in your mother’s opinion. You slowly included Sukuna in some of the activities that both of you would be participating in - usually this would involve you asking for his opinion on something, even if he sometimes gave a rude response.

“Do you think Sukuna is a pork or beef type of guy?” you randomly asked, as you lifted up your chopsticks that held a piece of cooked beef to Itadori’s cheek. “Sukuna, would you like to try this?” you kindly asked, leading to the curse to take a bite of the meat before his mouth disappeared like it didn’t appear in the first place.

“I never really asked, but why are you so kind to Sukuna? I mean he is a curse, after all, ain't sorcerers like you supposed to like, hate them?” Itadori asked in a confused tone, causing you to look up away from the meat that you were cooking to the boy that had asked you that question. 

To be honest, you weren’t so sure how to answer his question, just like the same situation that you were years ago when your mother asked you that question. How could you answer this time around? How could you answer this question now?

“Personally from my perspective, I guess I took in some consideration towards anyone’s emotions,” you casually answered, before going back to the meat that was cooking on the grill, leaving Itadori confused yet somewhat understanding what you were trying to say.

                                             ꕥ

Sukuna on the other hand was confused about what you were trying to interrupt to his annoying vessel as he sat quietly in his Innate Domain. Ever since the beginning of your friendship with Itadori, you had been nothing but kind-hearted toward him making him wonder what your intentions were from the start. However, over time he began to discover that’s what you were naturally. You were naturally just a kind-hearted person that was trying to become acquainted with him. You were generally trying.

It was hard to recall the last time he had someone to confide in - if there was anyone he even confided in at all - you were someone that took his emotions into consideration, you always question his reason for power, greed and destruction, instead of assuming that he was born with his sadistic nature. He still remembers that time you were able to somehow get close to him during his fight with Fushiguro and heal Itadori’s heart with no issues at all - making him intrigued on how powerful your reserve energy was. However, he remembers what you said to him as your hand was placed on top of the wound on his chest.

“Listen, I have no idea what caused you to become the man that you are today, I have no idea what pain you went through before your death 1000 years ago, I have no idea what you are feeling right now and I’ll try my best to understand” you quickly stated just as your curse began to revive his heart, “but right now, there is no way in hell am I going to let you kill Itadori, you got that Sukuna!”

That. That caused his cold empty heart to suddenly become warm.

Your kind-heartedness was the reason he began to reach out to you.

He wanted to cherish that trait of yours.

You were kind-hearted.

[robininthelabyrinth]

A-Yuan wasn’t the only child among the Wen Remnants, just the youngest.

Children's Day - ao3

Lan Wangji carefully scooped up the boy out of his hiding place, tucked beneath a pile of stones, sick with fever and fast asleep.

It was a good hiding place. If Lan Wangji hadn’t played Inquiry and demanded to know if there were any living beings around in this cursed place of death, he would never have found the small child.

He remembered him – this was little A-Yuan, who Wei Wuxian had taken down into town to play, the one Lan Wangji had bought all those toys for in his confusion, the one who called him rich-gege. Barely more than two years old, having never known anything but war.

He was all that was left, now. There was nothing else left in the battlefield.

No one else left.

Lan Wangji closed his eyes in pain.

I’ll care for him for you, he promised Wei Wuxian’s ghost, wherever it might be now. Now that you cannot.

I’ll take him back to Gusu to raise as my own – wishing you were by my side.

-

-Earlier-

“Sect Leader!” one of his aides cried out when he staggered back into camp. “What – who’s that?”

Jiang Cheng looked down at the girl in his arms. She was – four, maybe? Five? He had no idea.

She looked a bit like Wen Qing.

“I found her hiding in the corner of the battlefield when she made a noise,” he said hoarsely. “The Wen sect remnants…by the time I got there, they were almost all dead already, all her family. She’s – she’s young. It didn’t seem right.”

Wei Wuxian always liked children, he thought vaguely to himself as he looked down at her. It wasn’t so much of a surprise that he would keep one there…in fact, if he thought back to that horrible meeting they’d had that one time he’d come to the Burial Mounds to try to talk to Wei Wuxian, he thought he remembered there being a small child there. This must be her.

She was bigger than he remembered, but that was what happened with small children, wasn’t it?

“Her surname is Wen?”

“No,” Jiang Cheng snapped automatically, and his aide took a step back from his vehemence. “The Wen sect is dead, you understand? All of them. The cultivation world refused to allow them to live, that much is obvious enough. Her surname…”

He looked down at her.

I failed Wei Wuxian, he thought grimly. I won’t fail his legacy.

“Her surname will be Jiang.”

-

-Earlier-

“We found this child hiding in the Demon Subduing Cave,” one of the guards reported, looking nervous. “Lianfeng-zun – what do we do with them?”

Jin Guangyao frowned down at the child, judging the child’s age to be about five or six – maybe seven, considering the likelihood of malnutrition at the Burial Mounds. If they were any younger, he would’ve said that the child ought to just execute them as useless; any older, and he would’ve had no choice but to declare them an enemy combatant, and thereby order them executed.

At this age, though…they were still young enough to be taught to forget their current surname, and to learn new loyalties, and yet old enough to perhaps remember a little of what they had learned, living as they had for a few years with the inventor of demonic cultivation.

Jin Guangyao glanced at the papers in his hands, full of barely legible scribbles, laying out powerful new spells and interesting ideas. They would help Xue Yang with his work – but not as much as a helper would, and naturally they’d just brutally executed all the other ‘helpers’ that might have been available.

Not exactly Jin Guangyao’s personal preference, but he wasn’t the one leading the Jin sect army.

Still, his father, who had been the one leading, had retired to his tent, and now Jin Guangyao was the one with the power, left to be in charge of mopping up. That, in turn, gave him a little more leeway, which meant he could implement his own thoughts, rather than badly thought out instructions.

“Put the child in my tent,” he said, and smiled. “The poor thing must have gotten lost and entered the battlefield – after we arrived. You understand?”

The guard saluted deeply. “Lianfeng-zun is kind and beneficent,” he said, and his expression was worshipful. “I will tell the others that the child is from some distant Jin branch.”

Jin Guangyao hadn’t intended for him to do that, but – well, he couldn’t exactly refute it now, could he, and anyway there were worse things to happen. Everyone would know that he had kindly taken in some orphaned child of war, which would be good for his reputation.

He smiled and nodded, and thought of the future.

-

-Earlier-

“Well, shit,” Nie Mingjue said, staring at the trio of children: nine or ten years old, he thought, maybe a little older, two girls and a boy. They stared back at him, wide-eyed and terrified – they were very clearly trying to sneak off the Burial Mounds down the back way.

Nie Mingjue rubbed his face, glad that he’d insisted on doing the forward scout work before the attack tomorrow morning himself rather than let it go to someone else. He hadn’t wanted to come to this blasted place in the first place, being that he still wasn’t sure exactly what had gone down with Wei Wuxian, who’d been a good man once. But good Nie cultivators had died at Lanling City at Wen Ning’s hands, the Jin sect claiming that that brutal attack was at Wei Wuxian’s instigation, and at the Nightless City at Wei Wuxian’s hands directly, and he didn’t have any evidence to exculpate the man, either; he had no grounds to look the families of those Nie cultivators in the eye and tell them not to pursue vengeance against the man who had slaughtered their brothers and fathers and sons, sisters and mothers and daughters, like they meant nothing.

They deserved vengeance.

Just as he had, for his father.

But at the same time…

“You’re all surnamed Wen, I take it?” he asked, and they slowly nodded. “Dafan Wen?”

Another nod.

“Wrong answer,” he said, making a snap decision. This wasn’t like his father at all, not really; he had wanted to kill Wen Ruohan, who had done the deed himself, while these children clearly hadn’t done anything. “Swear to me here and now that you won’t seek revenge for your sect or family, and you can be surnamed Nie instead.”

They looked at each other.

“Your family didn’t send you to run away because they wanted you to take revenge,” he said. It was a guess, but he could tell from the way their shoulders sagged that he was right. “They wanted you to live. Well?”

They swore.

He took them home.

-

-Earlier-

She tripped and fell flat on her face.

“Hey, girl!”

She looked up, eyes wide with terror – she hadn’t expected to be caught so soon – but the cultivator in front of her didn’t strike her down. He was a young man, just a few years older than her, and he looked nice, kneeling to help her up.

“Are you all right?” he asked. “Did you get lost?”

Lost? From where would she get lost, exactly?

Despite that, she nodded.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Here isn’t a good place, though – we’re going to have a battle tomorrow…can you tell me where you’re from?” He frowned. “Or – can’t you speak?”

An idea suddenly came to mind, and she shook her head, lifting up her hands to mime signs like the ones she’d seen Lady Wen and her brother use sometimes when they needed to talk without disturbing others.

“Doesn’t talk,” he murmured to himself. “Clothing of white, ripped all to ribbons –”

She’d torn out any trace of the red sun. White was a common color, but she was old enough to know that she couldn’t let anyone know she was surnamed Wen.

“Oh, I’ve read about this before! Are you a bird yao that’s cultivated to humanity?”

What?

She’d been thinking of trying to pass as a traumatized war veteran, but she was only fourteen, after all; it wasn’t very believable. Of course, it was a lot more believable that bird yao – who would leap to that conclusion?

“My surname is Ouyang,” the man said, smiling brightly at her. “You should come back with me – I can teach you to speak, and we can give you a name…how about ‘Luo’ as a surname? That has to do with birds. Or we could surname you Bai, instead, since your clothing is white! Or maybe -”

She smiled helplessly at his nonsense. What a silly, cheerful man! Maybe she’d overestimated his age, he couldn’t be more than two or three years older, at most, and his brain was clearly not in the right place, filled up to the brim with romantic stories and adventure tales instead of facts.

It was a nice change, actually.

She accepted his hand as she stood.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

-

-Earlier-

Lan Wangji had returned home and submitted to a dreadful punishment. The elders he had injured on Wei Wuxian’s behalf were either in treatment or recovering.

As for the rest that had been at the Nightless City…

Many were dead.

Lan Qiren landed in the Burial Mounds, lips pressed tightly together.

He knew he was taking a risk in coming here to Wei Wuxian’s lair – no matter what Lan Wangji thought, whatever good points he’d had in the past, the man was now little better than a mad dog. He’d caused the death of three thousand people just the day before, three thousand innocents that hadn’t had anything to do with anything; why would he hesitate to attack his old teacher?

There was already talk of a siege – Jiang Cheng himself had promised to lead it, to wipe off the stain on the Jiang sect’s record, and the Jin sect had been right behind him. Even Nie Mingjue had been dragged in against his will, suborned by his sect members’ need for vengeance. As for the Lan Sect…Lan Xichen had looked so stricken by the thought that Lan Qiren had volunteered for the grim duty, despite Lan Qiren having never been much of a fighter and even less of a general. He intended to take only the smallest possible contingent, and to limit their work as much as possible to cleansing the dead rather than killing those who remained there – that much, at least, he could do for his nephew.

Either way, though, no matter his powers, Wei Wuxian would not live out the week.

If Lan Qiren desired vengeance, he need only wait.

And yet, here he was.

Alone, practically unarmed – and here nonetheless.

An old woman came out from the cave and squinted at him.

“It’s over,” she said sadly. “Isn’t it?”

Lan Qiren looked at her. One of the Wen remnants that Wei Wuxian had surrounded himself with, he assumed; the ones he’d given up his comfortable life for, claiming he was only acting as a righteous man ought. Perhaps he even had thought he was, back then.

Perhaps he really had been, back then.

“Yes,” Lan Qiren said, and cleared his throat. “After what he did at the Nightless City – the verdict is unquestionably death. But the rest of you…there are armies coming, and armies are not known for their leniency, especially not on passerby with the wrong surname. But they’re not here yet. There’s still time to flee – if you go now, you could take on a new surname and find some quiet place to live on.”

Lan Wangji had said they were civilians. Civilian life was to be prioritized above all else.

Lan Qiren was only doing what he must.

Despite his well-meant warnings, however, the old lady shook her head.

“There’s nowhere to go, and we won’t give up our surname,” she said, polite but stubborn to the last. “But thank you for taking the time to come here to tell us.”

“Wangji said that there were children here,” Lan Qiren insisted, ignoring her refusal. “If you won’t flee with them, at least send those that are old enough out on their own, and hide the younger ones. Tell them to forget their surnames – most people won’t rampantly murder children, so there’s a chance they’ll make it through, and live. Can you deny them that, just for pride?”

That gave the old woman pause.

“We’ll do what we can,” she said, and then eyed him. “How good are you at medicine?”

Lan Qiren frowned. “I can’t provide care –”

“She’s already dead. Come help anyway.”

The woman in question was not already dead, but dying – she was in her late teens, seventeen or eighteen at most, and she was in labor. From the glassiness of her eyes, the redness of her cheeks, and the threadiness of her pulse, it was clear that infection had long ago set in. It was not an exaggeration to say she was dead, little better than a corpse.

She was little more than a child.

“I don’t want her to die alone,” the old woman said. “But if you stay with her, I can use the time to try to take care of the rest. You’re not wrong, I suppose – the children, at least, deserve a chance to live on, even if it means leaving our surname behind.”

Lan Qiren looked down at the woman, unconscious already and unlikely to ever wake, and yet still whimpering. “And her child?”

The old woman looked surprised. “Can a child born like this still live?”

Lan Qiren had almost no medical training beyond the most superficial basics that were the necessity for any battlefield or night-hunt, with one sole exception: he had supervised the births of both his nephews by himself with little aid – his brother’s wife hadn’t wanted anyone else to be present, possibly in an attempt to prematurely enter her grave, possibly just out of spite. He had studied very hard in the days leading up to those births, and knew far more on the subject than most men did.

“It’s possible,” he said. “Unlikely, but – possible.”

He hesitated for a long moment.

“I can take the baby,” he finally said. “Pass him off as some war-orphan child of distant Lan cousins, sent to me on account of their deaths. I could raise him, or else give him to my cousin to raise; he’s got a large enough family that no one would question it.”

“Why would you do that?”

Lan Qiren looked at the woman who was dying, little more than a child herself. “Because of the children I can’t help.”

The old woman was quiet for a little while.

“Very well,” she said, and leaned forward to whisper the name the young woman had thought about for her child into his ear. “That works with Lan as a surname, wouldn’t it? That’s not bad.”

“Not bad at all,” Lan Qiren agreed, and rolled up his sleeves, settling down beside the girl. “Not bad at all.”

[gay-snom]

contextualizing lwj’s coming to terms with his feelings subplot!

i wanna talk about the role of confucianism in this subplot because i think it’s something some western fans might not pick up on. basically, the sociopolitical climate of confucianism in his character arc, and a little bit about his interaction with the public image theme.

disclaimer: i’m not chinese but i do have a double minor in chinese and asian studies and have written a few papers on confucianism.

we’re gonna be talking about the novel bc i feel its a little more in-depth and nuanced than lwj’s “what is black, what is white” monologue in cql. namely the tension and misunderstanding in wwx’s first life and how lwj got his scars. i feel like it’s pretty well accepted that wwx made lwj reconsider his world view, so i’m just gonna expand on it. also i want to point out it's pretty unspoken in most of the text, but lwj is also affected by/used to explore the public image themes, as his image the is ideal confucian scholar.

confucianism is centered around the ideas of how to behave “good” in sociopolitical contexts. basically it boils down to a belief system on how society should be run. if everyone follows confucian beliefs, you will have an ideal society. the main text is the Analects, which you can read here. it’s been around for a few thousand years (like around 200 BCE ish), had a huge revival in the tang dynasty (618-907 CE). it was put on imperial exams, the emperor’s cabinet had confucian scholars, etc. this is just to say confucian values are important to historic society, especially upper-class scholars, which seems to be a role cultivators commonly fill in xianxia. here are some basic tenants:

being a gentleman/scholar/superior man (君子 jūn zǐ) : partly being learned in the arts, literature, music, poetry, etc., mostly behaving righteously and dutifully.

filial piety: usually described as obedience. it's not simply obeying everything elders tell you, it includes doing it with reverence and thankfulness for their sacrifices for you.

leading by example: if leaders/the government is righteous, the people will follow. lwj has his flock of juniors that are all strong cultivators and the lan sect is just generally known for being moral and good.

rites/rituals: a focus on politeness and holding proper ceremonies, sacrifices, and funerals

speech: there’s some great meta about the register he speaks in here, i just want to touch on think carefully before you speak, only speak sincerely, etc.

tldr; lwj is THE perfect gentleman (even his title contains the character suffix 君 -jūn, like lxc. which, while this character is not uncommon for cultivator titles, it wasn’t chosen carelessly either. also not to be confused with 尊 -zūn). seriously, look at almost all of book 10 and you'll see don't do/consume in excess, don't talk during meals, sit only when your mat is straight, etc.

okay, so Why is understanding his feelings for wwx so troublesome?

1.2 "They are few who, being filial and fraternal, are fond of offending against their superiors. There have been none, who, not liking to offend against their superiors, have been fond of stirring up confusion... Filial piety and fraternal submission! - are they not the root of all benevolent actions?"

in other words, people who are filial will never create political tension. so like, morally, wwx should be considered horrible person! he’s not only snubbed the jiang sect. he was a head disciple who undoubtedly had younger students looking up to him. and then he goes and stirs up some huge political issues! he is now a bad role model for the people below him and disrespected the people above him. lwj has an entire image to uphold, he has poured his entire life into following these rules and beliefs, and then wwx comes along. would continuing to be in wwx's life taint lwj? there are some contradicting teachings in regards to interacting with wwx:

15.4: "Do not take counsel with those who follow a different Way"

15.28: "When the multitude hates a person, you must examine them and judge for yourself. The same holds true for someone whom the multitude love."

15.36 "When it comes to being Good, defer to no one, not even your teacher."

this is part of the reason lwj had so much trouble accepting his feelings. he didn’t know how to handle this situation, making him appear distant during/directly after sunshot. if he judges wwx's intentions to be pure, it's then not wrong to be friendly with him. but wwx still is morally wrong by society's standards. now, lwj has to not only figure out his feelings, but also reconcile this with how he still thinks wwx is Not a bad person, despite everything. what if he does get "tainted" by wwx? will it hurt the reputation of his sect? that would be un-filial, right? he spent his whole life memorizing rules that are probably extremely similar to sections in the Analects, and now these mixed messages (coupled with the relatable gay panic) are overwhelming.

onto the next! there’s something unspoken in the scene where wwx discovers why lwj has the whip scars. as other posts have mentioned, lwj taking wwx back to the burial mounds and nursing him is high treason. however, this action is also extremely un-filial. also his entire image is built around being a perfect gentleman, if this were to get out to the public he would lose absolutely everything. he would be just as irreparable as wwx.

“I was worried if those from another sect found you first, WangJi would be considered your accomplice. The best scenario was his name being forever tainted, and the worst was his life being taken away right then. Thus, along with Uncle, we chose thirty three seniors who had always thought highly of WangJi... ”

there’s no way lwj didn’t know what would happen if he did this. obviously as lxc says, if this got out, he would lose basically his entire face. and even though lxc didn’t mention this, it would definitely lose a lot of face for the lan sect as well since lwj is so prominent. the decision about what elders to bring is also notable.

“...As if he knew all along he would be discovered by us, he said that there was nothing to explain, that this was it. Growing up, he had never talked back to Uncle, not even once. But for you, not only did WangJi talk back to him, he even met with his sword the cultivators from the Gusu Lan sect...”

so yeah, he obviously knew they would come for him and what the consequences would be. and he still talked back! that’s already not a good look for the lan sect. but attacking them? totally unforgivable! lwj gives up how he was raised and the importance of filial piety, what he has held on to until this major plot event. since it's basically the biggest "fuck you" to his uncle and his clan, this was not a decision he made lightly. lwj shows them he cares more about wwx and His Own ideas of right and wrong than the sect’s or society’s.

Wei WuXian dug his hands into his hair, “...I-I didn’t know... I really...”

when was the last time wwx was at a loss for words? wwx spends a few paragraphs after this lamenting how he hurt lwj, but he's not unaware of the gravity of what lwj did. it's an underlying assumption from being raised in the culture. i would argue his first instinct is "oh god he gave up what for me?" since those lamenting paragraphs are after lxc finishes speaking.

"But he said... that he could not say with certainty whether what you did was right or wrong..."

this is something thrown around a lot in the Analects, that not even confucius can say for sure what is right or wrong. what better way to show lwj is still a perfect confucian than have him paraphrase confucius himself?

“...WangJi was a model for the disciples when he was young, and a prominent cultivator when he grew up. In his whole life he had been honest and righteous and immaculate--you were the only mistake he made!”

here’s the confirmation that the world and even his family thinks of him as a perfect gentleman, the top tier of society, and it was all thrown away for wwx. this is just so heavy. the mistake thing? thats not only because lwj is fraternizing with an enemy. lxc and the rest of the sect who knew are terrified this will forever corrupt lwj personally, not just publicly. lwj was so devoted to believing this was the right thing to do he offered up everything he had. the gravity of this decision is insane. it’s very obvious that he loves wwx, it’s just that he struggles a lot internally to accept everything that is happening.

as for helping wwx leave after the massacre, is this gentleman-ly of lwj? was it actually in-line with his image? is it more honorable to save someone who is dying, at the cost of your own health, than to look away? isn't looking away a form of resentment? i wasn't able to find a specific passage about bystander-ness, but personally i think it qualifies as "bad intentions." there is also this passage for what it's worth, originally it was about government suppression:

12.19: "...What do you say to killing the unprincipled for the good of the principled?" Confucius replied, "...why should you use killing at all?..."

lwj is always more actions than words, and he was not fucking around. his core beliefs really haven't changed, and remain very strong throughout his life. he is still righteous enough to accept his punishment, graceful enough to search for wwx's body since there was no one else to do the funeral rites (10.22/10.15), caring enough to take in a-yuan, upright enough to still spend his years going where the chaos is.

just with this one action, the audience knows he has come to terms with realizing that authority isn't always just, and neither is the public opinion/opinion of other gentlemen. he has reconciled. this is him standing for what he believes is right. this is his devotion. this is his own choice. just. poetic cinema...

anyway that's it for my first meta post! i would love to hear your thoughts, feelings, opinions, discussions, other meta ideas, whatever! thank u for reading! <3

[dingdongitsbees]

“Gojo has a girlfriend!?” | Gojo x Reader Oneshot (Fluff)

Synopsis:  Yuuji has just overheard a phone call with Gojo and this seemingly mysterious woman who's coming to visit. He brings the news to the other students, adamant that their teacher has a girlfriend much to the disbelief of Maki, especially when the possibility of the girlfriend being you arises.

Ao3 Link

WC: 2.6k TW: mentions of death/murder Just send an ask to be added to Gojo the taglist! (specify if you don’t want angst etc)

Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist | Main Masterlist

“Guys, guys! Gojo has a girlfriend!” Yuuji announced, slamming the door open to the classroom.

“I refuse to believe that,” Nobara said rolling her eyes. “He couldn’t get a girlfriend even if he had the most romantic script in front of him.”

“I second that,” Maki said, not even looking up from her phone.

“Tuna, tuna,” Toge agreed.

“He’s not that bad-” Yuuji started.

“He’s an egotistical, immature man child who thinks dick jokes are the height of humour, what women would be attracted to that?” Maki glared.

“Then explain to me why I heard him call someone babe over the phone just now! And why I heard a girl’s laugh!”

“You say that like he doesn’t do that to everyone,” Nobara sighed.

“He said they were coming today anyway!” Yuuji insisted. “And he said “I love you” before he hung up!”

Now that raised eyebrows in the room.

“He… he really said that?” Maki said slowly for Yuuji just to nod enthusiastically in reply. “Then who the hell did he brainwash to be his girlfriend?!”

The group moved out of the classroom to outside as they argued leaving Megumi alone to slurp his noodles who was happy to be forgotten in the conversation since he already knew the answer. Watching the two adults yearn obviously after each other for years still scarred him, but he was happy you were coming today, even if you had the worst taste in men.

“Seriously who the hell is it!” Nobara yelled. “There’s no way its Utahime right?” The group was stood at the top of the stone stairs that led into the school, waiting for the mysterious visitor.

“She’d rather die,” Maki deadpanned.

“Mei Mei?”

“She’d go for someone richer.”

“Yuki?”

“She’s too busy for relationships, let alone with Gojo.”

“Shoko?”

“We would have noticed that by now.”

“A civilian?” Yuuji suggested.

“Like there’s any way he could explain the jujutsu world to a civilian without making it look like he was insane.”

Panda hummed from behind them. “(y/n)?”

Maki went still. “How dare you taint her name like that.”

Yuuji and Nobara looked to each other. “(y/n)?” they said in sync.

“She’s one of the only other special grade sorcerers,” Panda explained. “She was in Shoko and Gojo’s grade in school. She’s Gojo’s best friend.”

Yuuji and Nobara’s eyes widened.

“He has friends?” Nobara asked with a bit too much genuine shock.

“Somehow,” Maki spoke solemnly, pushing up her glasses. “But (y/n) is too cool to ever do that!” She looked to the sky with her outstretched hand dramatically. “I would never idolise and want to follow in the footsteps of someone if they were that foolish!”

“Bonito flakes!”

Nobara mouthed a ‘woah’ at Maki’s intensity, never seeing her look up to someone with so much passion.

A Megumi scratching his neck joined them from behind, now full enough of food to deal with what would soon happen.

“Who do you think it is?” Yuuji asked him.

Megumi sighed. “It’s-”

Panda whipped his head up, ears twitching, everyone falling silent. They strained their human ears and soon heard footsteps on the gravel coming towards them. Without warning a stick came hurtling at Maki’s head with deadly accuracy who froze before quickly cutting it in half, the pieces gliding past her head before the others could even blink.

“You’ve certainly improved Maki!” A happy voice spoke. Soon they saw a small woman with hands in pockets walking up the stone steps with a grin. “Yo yo yo,” you greeted.

“(y/n)!” Nobara and Yuuji gulped at Maki with, wondering how she would react to the attack. “How was my form? Was it alright?”

“Pretty good, pretty good,” you laughed, “I personally would have just side stepped to dodge it to retain some energy. But if you’re going to counter, I’d suggest putting your front leg a little more forward to help with your balance, but I’m sure you already knew that.” Offering Maki a knowing grin. “You reacted much faster than you did last time though that’s for sure. You’ll definitely have the Zenins kissing your ass in no time.”

Maki nodded sharply with the compliment and Nobara couldn’t help but notice the smile she was trying to keep down to remain in her collected self.

You looked over to Megumi who begrudgingly stepped forward to say hello, but the twitching corners of his mouth said otherwise. You gave him the ritual hair ruffle which he leant down into, knowing you had missed being able to reach down to tiny child Megumi to bother him whenever you wanted, but he still indulged in your methods of affection.

“You keep getting taller what a pain,” you whined.

“It is what happens when children reach puberty,” Megumi deadpanned.

“Beside the point,” you replied with the dismissive wave of a hand. “It’s of personal offense to me.”

You looked over to the other two first years blankly, taking them in, analysing their builds and posture. They gulped nervously under your critical stare. “Ah you two must be nail girl and Sakuna’s vessel, Nobara and Yuuji, right?” You smiled, disarming their defensive walls, nodding. “Nice to meet you! I’ll be coming up here a bit more to help teach now and then so I’ll get to know you two well soon.”

They beamed and you couldn’t help but feel your heart warm at the positivity that still remained in young sorcerers. Too many let their immaturity and childlike wonder, and frankly the happy and fun side of themselves, behind as soon as they realised how the world really was for shamans, you included, but the younger generation always gave you a kick in the gut to force you to remember. An unintended gesture that was greatly appreciated.

“But anyway,” you said, dropping you smile and sighing melodramatically. “Where’s the dipshit?”

“Who-?” Nobara and Yuuji started.

“Over by the track field,” Maki said, the other second years and Megumi pointing with her.

“Coolio,” you acknowledged and stuck your hands back in your pockets and started to walk towards the field before you heard Maki speak.

“Speaking of… Gojo,” she began, “Is it true he has a girlfriend?”

You would have laughed at the question had it not been so shocking to you that the answer wasn’t glaringly obvious. You glanced over to Megumi who had obviously not told them yet, who just looked at you with so much resentment for having indirectly causing what must have been a very long conversation before you arrived.

You looked back to Maki. “He does yeah… why do you ask?”

“Well, we’ve been wondering who it is, is she a sorcerer?”

You nodded.

“Someone we know?”

You nodded again, trying not to let the slowly rising smile read on your face.

“Well…” Maki huffed, “Who is it?”

You raised your fingers to your lips and feigned zipping them closed. “I’ve been sworn to upmost secrecy,” which was just entirely untrue but kept it much more fun.

“But you’re smart I’m sure you can figure it out.”

Maki nodded, absolutely defeated as you waved goodbye and headed to the track.

It didn’t take long to find him, his overwhelming aura hit you before his slender hands covered your eyes from behind. “Guess who!”

“I couldn’t even begin to guess, maybe my ex I still have feelings for, I would probably break up with my boyfriend for him, he’s very annoying.”

“You ass,” he replied taking his hands off which you just laughed at. “Your ex is a fucking asshole.”

“That fact is written across the universe in holy star dust.”

You finally took a good look at him, his stature towering over you as always, but always bringing the feeling of being safe like under a shelter in the rain instead of any kind of looming threat height can give you. You made eye contact through his black blindfold and couldn’t help but wish it was the old days where he wore his glasses so you could see his eyes more clearly, but then again, the old days didn’t only offer happy memories, it was why you were here in the first place.

The gang peered at you two from behind the bushes, watching every excruciating detail they could pick up from the interactions.

“Nothing too out of the normal yet,” Maki breathed, “That’s just ordinary friend things yeah? Yeah?” she questioned Nobara who nodded enthusiastically. Though the younger girl couldn’t help but notice the affection in your look at him, or the way her teacher’s body seemed to soften and let his usually unnoticeable guard down.

You sat down on the large concrete steps together, close enough to feel each other’s warmth. You two looked to the sky and watched as birds passed in a group of four, gliding through the air with no need to need flap their wings.

“How are you?” You asked.

“Straight to the point huh?”

You couldn’t help but smile a little but stayed silent for him to answer.

“I mean, it’s the same as every year isn’t it?”

“We both know that isn’t true.”

The events of last year still haunted you, and Satoru too, even though he was much better at hiding it. The two of you walking up to Suguru’s dying self, his hand clutched on his bleeding stomach as the two of you were just standing in shock, staring at the man that used to be your guys’ best friend. Satoru being the one to do the finishing blow because you were too much of a mess to do it. Gojo Satoru is good at hiding things, but those who knew him well enough knew sometimes the cracks were visible in his perfect façade.

He sighed. “You need to stop being right all the time, it gets frustrating.”

You chuckled and bumped your shoulder into his, internally grinning at his infinity being turned off for you even though it was nothing new. You took the opportunity to rest you head on his shoulder as the two of you looked up into the sky again in silence. Just taking in the slow heartbeat you could hear.

It was a few minutes before it was broken again.

“It feels weird to still feel like celebrating the birthday of a person I don’t know anymore, let alone of a person I killed,” he said honestly. “Like how is the engrained feeling of an arbitrary date that I properly celebrated only three times only mean more to me than it did back then when there’s no way to repeat the happiness of unaware teenagers.”

You hummed quietly, indulging him in his thoughts that you too felt. “I’m sorry I-”

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry I made you do it,” I said, “He was your best friend.”

“And he was yours too, I wasn’t going to make you put a childhood friend down like a dog.”

You nodded into his shoulder, going quiet. He looked down at you and you couldn’t help yourself but reach up to touch his blindfold. He didn’t resist and sat quietly as you raised it so you could see his eyes. Little, almost microscopic droplets, detailed his under eyelashes. You gave him a small smile which he returned with his own as you brushed his eyes gently. He grabbed your hand delicately and kissed the fingers tips one at a time while you watched with total calm and comfort taking over your body, snuggling closer into the crook of his neck.

The group watched in tight tension as they spied on the scene before them. Maki looked like she was going to rip out the bush, roots and all, with the way she was gripping onto the small branches like a lifeline.

“It was probably just something very personal, and because they are good friends they feel comfortable doing that, yes that’s it. And the “I love you” over the phone must have been a joke or said in a platonic way. Yeah, that’s it.” Maki said, springing off all the close enough to realistic conspiracy theories in her head.

No one had the heart to tell her what was plainly obvious, nor the bones strong enough to deal with her disagreement.

You didn’t need to say it, he already knew, but you said it anyway. “I missed you,” you said quietly, “Going abroad sucks.”

“You really need to look at the sweet shops there and pick up some souvenirs.”

“Sweets don’t numb things for everyone,” you laughed, “Sometimes food can’t replace people.” You grabbed onto his hand and laced it in yours, his huge hand enveloping yours like a little protector.

“Did you get hurt?” he whispered; he knew you were fully capable to come from most missions entirely unscathed, but it didn’t stop the worry. People he cared about going to missions alone had left many scars in varying forms.

“I’m alright, just a few bruises here and there mainly by my own hand, no biggie.”

He nodded, happy with the answer.

He stroked his thumb over the back of your hand, leaning his head onto yours. “I love you,” he whispered, barely loud enough to hear over the subtle wind.

You squeezed his hand. You’d never been good at words, stumbling over what you’re really trying to say without saying it outright, even if you already knew what you were meant to say, especially when it came time for vulnerable things, but Satoru knew that better than anyone. So, you felt his face widen into a smile.

He squeezed your hand back.

He looked down at you again, taking his blindfold off so you could admire the now rarer sight of his eyes. There was no other way to describe his eyes than beautiful. Their blues captivated you like a ship barely staying afloat in a storming ocean, barely surviving, only at the sea’s mercy. Many were terrified of them, they were whispered about among shamans young and old, and to be fair they held power. Power unattainable except for those lucky few that inherited it. But to you it had always felt like it was the eyes that inherited Gojo Satoru. It was Gojo Satoru that really made them powerful along with infinity, no one had ever come close, and it was doubtful anyone ever will, even if he thought he was raising students that he wanted to be better than him. At the very least it was definitely a high bar to beat. But when it was you, and just him, just Satoru, together, it was not the power you yielded to. It was the fact that it was Satoru, the boy and now man you had fallen in love with and who had allowed himself to fall down to fall in love with you. When you looked into the sea of blue that seemed forever changing, the only word you could use to actually describe them was Satoru.

You rose your head to meet with his lips softly, giving him a sweet kiss that made his mouth upturn into a smile. And to be fair half of it was definitely because of the group of students that were losing their minds behind a bush right now, but the other half you happily knew was because of you.

Gojo Satoru may be an egotistical, immature man child who thinks dick jokes are the height of humour sometimes, okay maybe a bit more than sometimes. But he was Gojo Satoru, the most imperfect perfect person you’d ever met, and you would stay by his side until you parted from the world, but you were sure it wouldn’t take long to find him in the next.

.

.

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Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Just send an ask to be added to Gojo the taglist! (specify if you don’t want angst etc)

[fandom-imagines-stories]

Trapped Secrets

Dr. Spencer Reid x Reader, Derek Morgan Platonic x Reader

Words: 3692

Summary: With no time to lose, you and Morgan storm an unsub’s house before the rest of the team gets there. After not hearing back from you, Spencer and the team start to panic. Injured, trapped, and keeping a major secret, you and Morgan have to stay alive in a frightened unsub’s basement. 

Notes: I picture this in season four because that’s where I am in the series. Plus I really like Spencer’s hair cut at the beginning of this season.  I am totally in love with Spencer Reid so expect to be seeing more imagines for him and for Criminal Minds in general! I hope you guys are as excited as I am. 

Find more Spencer and more HERE

-

“You’ll be careful, right?” You asked, straightening your boyfriend’s tie underneath his vest. 

“Only if you are.” Spencer gave you that little awkward smile that he always gave you. “Besides, I’m not going with Agent Action Hero.” He motioned to Agent Morgan; your search partner for the evening. 

“He’s not an action hero.” You laughed, strapping on your vest. “He just really likes kicking in doors.” Spencer snickered slightly, but his expression was still uncomfortable. 

“You jealous that I’m riding with your girl Reid?” Morgan laughed, patting the younger agent on the back. 

“Morgan.” You hissed, jerking your head towards Hotch. 

“What? We all know about you and the brainiac.”

“Yeah, and Hotch doesn’t exactly like being reminded about it.” The relationship between you and Dr. Reid wasn’t exactly protocol, especially on the same team. You hadn’t quite been able to figure out why SSA Hotchner hadn’t reported you or told you to put an end to it. 

“You guys better get going. We only have about five hours before he’ll likely kill Audrey Lang.” Spencer hooked his finger with yours, only for a moment, but it sent a sweet, tingling feeling up your arm. With both of you being new to any kind of serious relationship, you stuck to pretty small signs of affection. You didn’t mind. It was personal and perfect. Spencer went to join Hotch and you headed to the car with Morgan. 

“Is it just me, or did Reid actually look kind of worried?” Morgan asked. It was more to tease you than from concern. 

“Shut up.” You couldn’t help but grin. Morgan had that effect. You got into the passenger side and waited for his list of snarky comments. He wasn’t done poking fun at you yet. 

“I have to say, you’ve got ‘rule breaker’ all over you, but I honestly did not see this coming from Dr. Teacher's-Pet.” He shook his head with a smug smile and started the car. You just sat and rolled your eyes. Any response would just mean more provocation. “But dating a younger man… I always pictured you as more of the ‘Silver Fox’ kinda girl.” Now that pressed your buttons.

“Okay, first of all, just because I like Richard Gere, doesn’t mean I like older men.” You retorted, “Secondly, I’m not even that much older than Reid. There’s what, three years, between us?” 

“Uuuhuuuh.” The side eye he gave you made you want to slap him. Morgan chuckled. “Come on, you and I are friends, right? Don’t I get a few little details?” From the smirk on his face, you knew what he was talking about. 

“Derek Morgan, we are on a case. We are professionals on a case about three murdered federal employees. I will not divulge information regarding my sex life!” 

“I never said anything about sex, Agent Y/L/N.” His grin grew and you begrudgingly turned your face to the window. Morgan laughed at the red flushing your cheeks. You would be mad if he wasn’t your best friend. 

In the other car, Reid rode beside Hotch in tense silence. Spencer knew that his relationship with you could potentially get both of you into trouble with the bureau. Every time he was around Hotch, he waited for the reprimand. The unusual quiet was almost worse. Hotch turned a corner and took a heavy breath. 

“It’s a bad idea. You know that right?” 

“I know it’s against the rules, if that’s what you mean.” As intimidating as his superior could be, Reid was sure of himself. 

“The rules are there for a reason, Reid.” Hotch sighed. He would give anything to not be having this conversation right now. 

“Have either of us proven to be less efficient?”

“That’s not the point.” 

“If our relationship complicates our work, I can assure you that Y/N and I will be the first ones to address it.” 

“Reid-”

“You know, if anything, I think that we’ve working better together than we have in the past, which is saying something because Y/N and I-”

“Are you happy?” He asked a little more aggressively than he had intended. Reid just blinked at him blankly.

“What?”

“Are both of you happy?” He glanced over at the younger agent and Spencer shifted in his seat. He was awkward, but assertive. 

“I can’t totally speak for Y/N, but… yes.” He sat and waited for his superior’s response. Hotch fixed his eyes on the road. 

“Okay.” 

“I’m sorry?”

“I said okay.” Maybe he was going soft, but he’d never seen Reid or you like this before. If this relationship could help the both of you get through the horrors you saw every day, then turning a blind eye might not be the worst thing. 

“Thank you.” Spencer felt a small smile creep onto his face. Hotch scowled. 

“If a single problem arises, and I mean any dispute or laps in judgement-”

“You didn’t know anything about it. Got it.” Spencer stared at his lap to hide his smirk. 

You were still avoiding Morgan’s inquiring gaze when Garcia’s voice came through your earpiece. 

“Guys, Audrey Lang’s phone just turned on.” 

“Where?” Morgan’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. 

“157 21st Street.” Your stomach turned. As selfish as it was, a part of you had hoped that someone else would be closer. Morgan whirled the car around. 

“That’s just around the corner from us. We’re right on top of him.” He slammed on the brakes in front of the house and the two of you jumped out of the car. The house was about what you expected from a paranoid, conspiracy-obsessed unsub. The windows were boarded up and two different cameras looked down at you from the roof. 

“Morgan.” You pointed to the devices. Jacobs knew you were here. He nodded and spoke into his radio. 

“This guy has surveillance everywhere. He’s going to panic.” He glanced back at you, waiting for you to have his back. Despite your building panic, you didn’t have time to hesitate. You gave him a strong nod. “We’re going in.” 

You pushed your fear to the pit of your stomach. If you showed even the slightest panic, Morgan would know and you could jeopardize everything. So when he kicked in the door, you were right behind him. 

The house was silent. With guns raised, you both covered the first floor, finding nothing but scattered notes and ‘Big Brother Is Watching’ flyers. You located a flight of stairs leading to the basement and cautiously followed Morgan down. Similarly to the floor above, the basement seemed other than a desk with a few surveillance screens. Across from the stairs was a large metal door. It was open.  

Morgan charged towards it, but something wasn’t sitting right with you. 

“Hotch, how close are you and Reid?” You asked tentatively. 

“Five more minutes. Have you found Mrs. Lang?” 

“She’s in here!” Morgan announced. You stepped into the room, but kept close to the door. Morgan was kneeling over the unconscious body of Audrey. While she was out cold, she was still breathing. 

“What about Jacobs?” Hotch asked. 

“We looked everywhere upstairs and he wasn’t there.” 

“Reid, when you went to the other crime scene, you said that the victim had been covered and made to look like part of the rubble, right?”

“Yeah, Jacobs wanted to hide the body. If the construction worker hadn’t been working there, it likely wouldn't have been found.” Spencer’s voice wavered as he figured out where you were going with this. You looked at Morgan with wide eyes. 

“Then how did we get here so easily?” 

Hotch yelled into the radio. 

“It’s a trap. Get out of there. Now!” 

You whirled around and came face to face with Steven Jacobs. You fired your weapon, but didn’t get the chance to see if you hit him. Instead, you stumbled backwards and the large metal door slammed shut. 

“No!” Morgan shouted, throwing his weight against the door to try and break it down. “Hotch, can you hear me? Reid!” The radio connection was dead. Morgan slammed against the door again. 

“Derek.” 

“We’re going to get out of here.” He searched the door for any point of weakness.

“Derek.” 

 “Let us out, you son of a bitch!”

“Derek!” You finally yelled. When he turned around you watched his face morph with panic. Blood leaked through your fingers, your hand pressed against the wound in your shoulder. It wasn’t your gun that had gone off, it was Jacobs’. And you were hit. 

-

The street swarmed with teams from local police, S.W.A.T, and the BAU. In the middle of all of it was Spencer. He just stared at the front door. Somewhere in the basement of that house, his girlfriend and his closest friend were trapped by a paranoid schizophrenic with a gun. Neighbors reported already hearing a shot go off. Judging by the lights still on in the house and the fact that you and Morgan still hadn’t come out yet, it wasn’t one of your guns to make the shot. 

“He must be using something to jam the signal.” Prentiss huffed, her attempts to get a hold of either of you failing. “We need to get in there.” 

“We don’t know what Jacobs has in there.” Rossi said gruffly, joining them after meeting with the S.W.A.T leader. “For all we know, he could try and blow the whole block.”

“The longer we wait, the longer he has Morgan and Y/L/N.” Spencer ran his fingers through his hair. “Audrey Lang is probably dead and we don’t know who shot the gun or-”

“When they found her, Morgan didn’t say anything about Lang being dead.” Hotch said sternly. 

“He didn’t say she was alive, either.” Spencer’s voice was harsh considering he was speaking to a superior. 

“Reid, I want to get them out just as badly as you do, but if we try and storm in there, Jacobs will likely kill them and himself.” Hotch’s tone was stern and surprisingly calm. 

“You thought you had me, didn’t you!?” A voice boomed from the house. Every agent in the street tensed and raised their weapons. Prentiss was the first to lower her gun. 

“Look in the bushes.” She pointed to the shrubbery on either side of the door. “Speakers.” 

“You all thought you would silence the truth! Well I’m smarter than you. That’s right. And I will not be silenced!” 

Hotch looked at the hostage negotiator, who gave him the okay to talk. 

“Mr. Jacobs we don’t want to silence you.” 

“Tell that to the three spies in the other room.” Underneath Jacobs' voice was the sound of banging. Like fists against a door. Listening closer, Spencer could hear a yelling voice. 

“Morgan.” He whispered to the others. They listened to the sound of their coworker- their friend- trying to break free. 

“Jacobs you son of a bitch, we’ve got two injured people in here!” Derek screamed. You closed your eyes, trying to drown out the sound that was just making the pain worse. 

“Derek, don’t antagonize him.” You grimaced, trying to keep pressure against the still gushing bullet hole in your shoulder. “It’ll just piss him off.”

“Y/N, we need to get paramedics in here. Audrey is barely breathing and you’re bleeding out.” He knelt in front of you, lifting your hand slightly to look at the wound. 

“I thought you weren’t supposed to tell the patient they’re going to die.” You teased, trying to get your mind off of the guilt and regret. Derek winced. 

“You’re not going to die. I didn’t mean that.” 

“Go check on her.” You motioned towards Mrs. Lang. “I’ll be fine.” You adjusted slightly so your vest was in your lap. You had to take it off in order to tend to your wound and it left you vulnerable. 

As Derek crossed the room, you felt your vision blur with tears. You should have told him. You should have told him. 

Outside the tension was only getting worse. Jacobs had gone quiet and the team was itching to break the door down. Spencer was pacing, running through plan after plan in his head. If Garcia could hack into Jacobs’ system, they could cut the surveillance feed and go in. But if Jacobs noticed the hack, he would kill everyone inside. Finally, the shrill voice came back over the speakers. 

“One of your spies is dead.” He laughed frantically, a madman slipping more and more into his delusion. Spencer froze. “She said she didn’t know anything, but I knew she was lying. You train them well, you know.”

“She.” Spencer whispered, the panic making his hands shake. 

“Mr. Jacobs, which woman is dead?” Hotch asked carefully. Jacobs laughed again. 

“You have chips in all of them, you tell me.” 

“Mr. Jacobs, I need to know who died.” While he kept his gaze focused on the house, Hotch could tell that the team was holding their breath. 

“Damnit!” Derek exclaimed, slamming his hand against the floor. Audrey was dead. 

“There was nothing you could do, Derek.” You said grimly. You looked around at the metal walls and felt the last bit of hope leave you. “He’s going to kill all of us.” 

“No, no, you don’t get to talk like that.” Derek crouched in front of you and put a hand on your cheek. “We are not going to die in here.” A tear slipped down your cheek and you shook your head. 

“I never even got to tell him.” Maybe it was shock, but you started to hyperventilate. “I didn’t tell him, Derek.” 

“Sweetheart, what are you talking about?” 

“I didn’t tell Spencer.”

“Tell Reid what?” Derek’s eyes searched yours until you watched the realization on his face. “You’re not…”

“Yeah, Derek. I am.” You wiped another tear away. “I found out a couple of weeks ago.” 

“You’ve known that long and haven’t told anybody?” He sighed, sitting down beside you. You laid your head on his shoulder. 

“I’m telling you now, aren’t I?” You laughed humorously. “I know I should have told Hotch as soon as I found out, but I couldn’t tell him before I told Spencer and I just couldn’t figure out how to tell him.” Your voice cracked and Derek pressed a kiss to your temple. 

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” 

It was eerily quiet. Jacobs had stopped his rambling and the sirens outside seemed distant now. Your hands fell to your stomach and you smiled sadly. 

“Help me think of names.” 

“Hmm?”

“Come on, distract me from the pain. Help me think of names for the little genius.” You shifted so that you were looking at Derek. “I was thinking that, if it’s a girl, I want to name her Diana. Spencer’s mom has always been such a big part of his life and I think that’s what he would want.”

“Diana is a beautiful name.” He gave you a sweet smile and took your hand in his. “What if it’s a boy?”

“See, I can’t make up my mind on that. I’m sure Spence would want some super smart author’s name or something, but... he’s the smartest person I know.” You spread your fingers over your belly, thinking about everything you had to lose. 

“Well if Spencer Jr. doesn’t stick, you could always name him after your favorite profiler.” Derek chuckled. His smirk fell when he looked at the sorrow on your face. 

“I need you to tell him.” 

“What?”

“If I don’t…” You gulped. “If I don’t make it out of this, I don’t want him to find out from some doctor. I want him to hear it from you.” 

“Don’t go there. Don’t you go there, you hear me?” He stood with new determination. “We are getting out of here and you and that wonder baby are going to be just fine.” He brought your hand up to his lips before turning towards the door. 

“What are you-”

“Jacobs!” He pounded on the door. “I’m ready to talk! I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” 

“Derek what are you doing?” You struggled to stand and Derek moved you to the wall beside the door and motioned for you to stay still. 

“I’m ready to talk, Jacobs! You win!” You both readied your weapons and Derek stood in the corner. 

It didn’t take long for Jacobs to take the bait. Slowly, the metal door opened and Jacobs cautiously stepped inside. His wild eyes locked on you and your gun and he charged towards you. Before he could get far, Derek kicked the door into him. The impact made him stumble forward into you, shoving you against the wall. Your head hit the concrete hard, disorienting you long enough for Jacobs to aim his gun at your stomach. 

This time the shot wasn’t his. And you didn’t miss. 

-

The second shot had everyone ready to go in. Teams were prepping when the front door opened. 

“Hold your fire!” Morgan shouted. “I’ve got an injured agent here!” He emerged from the house walking as fast as he could. He was carrying you. Spencer broke into a sprint, rushing alongside him and trying to examine your injuries. 

“What happened? Is she okay?” Before he could answer, paramedics swarmed them. 

“She was shot in the left shoulder, no exit wound, and she’s lost a lot of blood. She also hit her head pretty hard, but she’s remained conscious.” He informed them. 

“Sir, you’ll have to come with us so we can examine you as well.” One ordered. 

“I’m coming with you.” Reid said firmly. Nobody argued with him and so they all climbed into the back of the ambulance. 

They sat Morgan and Reid down and got you onto a gurney. 

“Agent Y/L/N, can you hear me?” 

“Agent Morgan, did you sustain any injuries in Mr. Jacobs’ basement?”

“Dr. Reid, I need you to stay over there.” 

So many things were happening at once, Derek could barely get a word in. 

“There’s something you need to know before you give her anything.” He told the woman tending to you. He finally looked at Reid. He’d been avoiding his gaze since he stepped out of the house, but now he had to keep his promise to you. He had to tell him. “She’s pregnant.” 

The paramedics acted accordingly and Spencer just stared at him. 

“What?” 

“She’s pregnant, kid.” Derek put a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off, his gaze shifting to you. 

“That’s not… she would have told me. She would have-”

“She wanted to tell you. She was just scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“I don’t know, kid.”

“Don’t call me that!” Spencer pushed away from him. 

“Sir, I need you to calm down-”

“Reid-”

“You should have waited! If you had waited for the rest of us, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“We were trying to save Audrey Lang.”

“Audrey Lang died!” Spencer snapped. “And now so could Y/N. She could die and could my…” He trailed off, his anger fading quickly into a devastated panic. 

“This is really not the place for this argument.” One of the paramedics warned. 

“She’s going to be okay, Reid. Her and your baby are going to be okay.” He pulled the younger agent into a hug, trying to convince himself as well. 

-

The whole team was in the waiting room. Hotch watched Reid carefully as he paced relentlessly. Judging by the tension between him and Morgan, there was something the two weren’t saying. 

The bodies of Audrey Lang and Steven Jacobs were found in his basement. Hotchner would be filling out the paperwork as soon as they found out your condition. When the doctor finally approached them, everyone was on the edge of their seats. 

“Agent Y/L/N will have to wear a sling for her shoulder injury and she’s suffering from a concussion, but in time, she will make a full recovery.” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. The doctor continued. “As for the other matter,” She gave Spencer a small smile, “she’s asking to speak to Dr. Reid before any other visitors.” 

With everybody’s eyes on him, Spencer followed her back to your room. You looked a lot better now and you were giving him a nervous smile. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey.” He stood in the doorway for a moment, unable to move. 

“I’m going to go fill out some forms, but I will be just down the hall if you need anything or have any questions.” The doctor said before leaving the two of you alone. Spencer shoved his hands in his pockets and slowly shuffled forward. 

“Is everything okay?” He asked. “I mean… is the… are you-”

“We’re both fine, Spence.” You held your breath, waiting for him to react. Spencer pulled up a chair and took your hand in his. His hands were shaking slightly. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Spence…”

“Were you that afraid of how I would react?”

“No!” You exclaimed, laying a hand on his cheek. “Spencer, I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of facing it. I love you and I want this child, I do. But… I know geological profiling and how to link victims and what to say to a grieving family. I don’t know how to be a parent.” 

“You think I do?” He laughed anxiously. “I don’t know the first thing about being a dad. But…” He gulped. “I know that I have been happier with you than I have in my whole life. I don’t know a lot about love, but everything I do know, I know because of you. And if you can do that, then we can figure this out.” 

A grin spread across your face and you pulled his lips to yours. You were too distracted by each other to notice the other figure at the door. 

“I believe I was told something about naming a certain baby after me?” Derek smirked. Spencer gave you a look. 

“You’re delusional, Morgan.” You laughed. Derek looked at Reid. 

“Are we good, kid?” 

Spencer smiled. 

“Yeah. We’re good.” 

[just-someone-who-likes-to-write]

May I request Nuada with a human reader that is a new witch. Something fluffy maybe?

Again, no access to my laptop yet, but I will try my best to do the request through my phone, and again I am so sorry for the errors!

I was planning for this to be simple and fluffy story but my imagination went a but wild but it still has many fluffs!! Please enjoy!!

You closed as you held your hand forward to the fire bowl in front of you, clearing your senses you tried to connect with it but was unable to.

"Concentrate, (Y/n)." Said your teacher, and you tried but still felt no connection to the element. "Most witches can manipulate fire, you are just not trying enough."

Her words made you angry, which made your determination to proof her wrong rise. You took a few steps forward, believing that maybe the problem is with the distance, but you quickly stopped and pulled away when you got too close and almost burned your hands. Your teacher let out a disappointed sigh as you checked your hand for any injury.

"What am I going to do with you?" She said getting your attention. "You can't manipulate objects, or teleport, or control a simple human mind, and now not even control fire!"

You said nothing only held your hand in front of you and kept your head down in shame.

"You are a good Brewer, I admit that." She said. "But any other witch can be a Brewer, even humans even they had the ingredients!"

"I'm sorry... " was all you could say.

"Saying sorry without accomplishing anything doesn't make you any useful to the King!"

"What is the meaning of this?"

A familiar boming voice called making both you and your teacher tense as you turned to the double doors. Right there stood Prince nuada, his signature frown showed on his face and he made his way towards the two of you.

"Your royal highness!" Exclaimed your teacher who quickly bowed and you followed her action. You kept your head down until you saw his shoes standing in front of you.

"Raise your head." He ordered and you did. His golden eyes met yours fir a brief moment before looking to your teacher.

"What honor do we have that his highness decided to visit us?" Your teacher said with a smile, you'd have believed she was in a good mood if she didn't just yell at you a few moments ago.

"I came to see the progress of your students, but only could hear yelling from the end of the hall." He said in a very displeased manner making your teacher tense.

A few months ago the Elf King had extended a hand to the witches, asking for thier aid against the human and offering protection and ressources as an exchange. Your Cover was one of the few who agreed to stand by the King. However, unlike your sisters you weren't as talented as them, they could conjure spells to fight and defend against humans but you could do none of that. So your teacher had decided to use the King's ressources as a chance to give you better education, hoping your power would awake, but it didn't.

"My deepest apology your highness." She said bowing again. "It's just one of my student is being... Difficult."

"Difficult?" He repeated in question. "Elaborate."

She then went onto this rant of how you can't do anything, how you can't manifest one spell that could benefit the King or your self at that matter. The more she talked the more you wanted to dig a hole into the ground and hide yourself in it, you clenched your dress, fighting back tears of frustration. You were doing your best, and she doesn't even giving credit for that as she continued saying your were lazy. It only took for the Prince to lift his hand up for the elder witch to be silenced.

"I will be dealing with the young lady personally." He said but you kept your head down, missing how troubled your teacher looked.

"that's... That's very generous of you your highness, but I can't imagine letting you-"

"You said that this young witch is wasting resources, time, and refusing to learn. " he cut her off. "So I need to personal make her understand the wrongs of her actions."

It was a short while until your teacher finally walked away to leave the room. The Prince stood right in front of you but said and did nothing until both of you heard the double doors shut. It was silence between you two, only the cracking of wood in the fire behind you could be heard. Nuada reached forward, placed his hand under you chin and gently lifted your head so your sad eyes could meet his affectionate ones.

"My little witch, why do you look so sad?" He asked concerned. You pulled away from his hand.

"My teacher is right I can't do even one simple spell." You said. "But I swear it's not because I'm lazy!"

"I know my dear." He assured, and even though you are grateful to know that he was at your side, it still didn't make you feel any better.

You and Nuada had started this secret friendship of yours when he found you wondering around the royal library, which later you found out it was forbidden for anyone else but the royal family to enter, that day to apologized none stop, which amused the Prince. After that he kept finding you, always saying that he wants to make sure you won't be going to any forbidden areas, and from that some kind of a friendship blossomed between you two. But you wanted to keep it a secret, because if anyone found out of the kind of treatment he is giving you they'd think he is picking favorites.

"Let's go to the garden." He said pulling you out of your thoughts.

"But we can't be seen in public together. " you said. "Everyone would get ideas."

"What ideas?" He asked raising a brow.

"That there is something between us." You answered with a shrug.

"And what is wrong with that?"

his question made look up to him with confusion, but you couldn't see the look he had for he was already making his way to the double doors, obviously not taking a "No" for an answer and with a tired sigh you followed. As expected your teacher was right outside waiting, when she asked nuada simply answered that he needs to show you just how much they are giving hoping it would motivate you to work hard, which was an obvious lie but your teacher seems to believe him as she continued to thank him for his "merciful" choice of a lesson for you. You just repressed rolling your eyes as you followed nuada to the royal Garden.

When you first arrived to the Bethmoora clan palace, King Balor has welcomed you, as well as other covens with open arms and provided a tour in the palace so you may know where to go and where was what, and so far, Your favorite area was the garden. You walked side by side with Nuada in silence, he had his hands behind his back, his posture straight and head held high like a true Prince, while you wondered around at almost every touching it and smiling them, except for those, which were poisonous but admured from afar.

"You truly love nature don't you, little witch." Said Nuada breaking the silence.

"I do very much so." You confirmed. "I used to go on walks in the woods when I was younger, just find a beautiful tree with plenty of shade to set beneath and read... "

You paused as your smile slowly turned into a frown.

"It all changed when humans started hunting us down." You sighed. "We had to hide away, which means no going outside, I was very depressed being stuck in for walls with nothing else to do but practice, practice practice!"

Your last outburst made nuada chuckle.

"Glad to know my pain amuses you." You said with a pout.

"Never, my dear." He said with a smile. "You can simply be too adorable I can't help it."

His statement made you blush and your turned your head away pretending to inspect the flowers below. After knowing the Prince for a few weeks he started saying these complements that left you beaming red, you just assumed it was his nature to do so, but whenever he was with other people he'd be the scary intimidating Prince who's no-one dared to address him in less than his given title, but when the both of you alone, he insist on you calling him by his name.

"(Y/n), I have a question for you." He said having your full attention.

"Yes?" Whenever he called you by your name it's serious.

"Witches can have different powers an abilities, correct?"

"Yes, every Witches Coven is different than the other, for example I heard of those who can use dolls, which is strange yet intriguing."

"And you cannot do the same things your coven does, am I Correct?" He asked again.

"Yes... " Your shoulders slumped and as your brows furrowed in a sad manner.

"Then have you ever considered that maybe you do not share the same abilities as your sisters?" He finally asked and you gave him a look of bewilderment.

"What are you trying to say?"

"What I am trying to same my dear little witch, is that you cannot do the things your sister can do easily... " He said and you almost gonna retort angrily but he continued. "Because you do not carry the same ability as them."

"Are you saying that I carry different abilities?" You asked looking down at your hands.

Nuada started to lead you to another part of the garden a more private part near the palace walls where vines stretched high against the wall. And you would have questioned the location if you weren't already questioning yourself.

"Set down." Said nuada breaking out of your train of thoughts.

"Where are we?" You asked looking around confused as nuada lead you to set in a clear spot with no plants just grass.

"This is my secret place." He answered. " no-one knows of it except Nuala."

"Why did you bring me here?"

"To do this."

He said before pinning you against the wall. Your eyes were widened in shock, your (E/c) eyes met his golden once, he started to slowly lean down, and move brought his mouth closer to your ear.

"May I steal a kiss?" He asked almost timidly,and a blush crossed your face at the request.

You would be lying if you said you didn't dream about your relationship with Nuada to grow more of that of a friendship,but to happen so suddenly and finding out he to desired it, in such private place like this made your heart beat fast. You lowered your head and gave a timid nod giving your consent. The Prince delighted,he lifted your head up and chuckled probably by how tight you kept your eyes closed, but that didn't stop him as he leaned down and pressed his lips against your own. The kiss wasn't agressive or passionate, it was a simple chaste kiss that still made you feel as if your spirit has flown to the heavens and came back as he slowly pulled away. that was your first kis but it left you in such daze that you didn't hear what Nuada said.

"huh?.. What?" You asked quickly looking uo to him. He smirked at your reaction.

"I'm happy to see what kind of effect does my touch have on you.. "He said making you want to look away but he quickly stopped you and made you look above you. "However, you too seem to have a special touch of your own."

He was correct, because the simple green vine that was behind you has many white flowers blooming on it and you were speechless because they weren't there before. You pulled away to have a better look and the flowers seems to go as much as the vines, even the vines seem to have taken even larger parts of the palace.

"I... I did that?" You asked in wonder.

"You did, my little witch." He said with pride as he wrapoed his arms around you and hugged your from behind. "Yes you did my darling (Y/n)."

---

Nuada was waiting at the end of the hall where your teacher's chamber were, he could have waited right outside but he didn't want to draw attention. He heard the doors open and you bowing one last time to your teacher before closing the door and leaving. You had entered empty handed but got out with many different books in your arma that you struggled to lift. Nuada hurried by your side to carry them from you.

"What did she say?" He asked, and you gave him a big excited smile that brought his own.

"You are looking at the very first green witch in our coven!" You almost screamed.

"A green witch?" Nuada asked confused.

"Yes, I can't manipulate or create fire like my sisters." You started to explain. "But I can and will be able to manipulate plants, rocks, animals, the earth and weather!"

"And these books will help you?" He asked looking down at the books that talked about different plants, herba and history of green witches.

"Yes, and I can't wait to read them all." You gave a shy smile to nuada. "Thank you for helping me realize my true powers."

"Why are you thanking me?" He asked genuinely confused.

"You knew in was a green witch." You said. "You told me how I can be different kind of witch than my sisters and took me to... That place."

You blushed at the memory of that kiss.

"You are mistaken my dear, for I didn't know you were a witch of nature." He confessed.

"But... The kiss... " you trailed off.

"I kissed you because I wanted to do so for a long time now." He said with a mischievous grin. "And judging by the way you reacted you wanted the same thing."

Your face was pure red as you snatched the rest of the books from his hands and ran away to your room, being embarrassed made you forget how heavy the books were and hearing Nuada's amused laugh from behind didn't make it better, but for some reason you couldn't help the smile on your face for you just found out that Nuada returned your feelings.

---

Again sorry for any errors, or if it's too long and I hope you enjoyed it!

[oakhold-cheerios]

Long review of my time with Pokemon Violet

Scarlet/Violet spoilers down below

I love the game. These sets of games are on the same wavelength as Pokemon BW/BW2 in terms of the characters and their motives.

I want to say hats off to Dir. Clavell. Director Clavell is a great ‘how you do fellow kids?’ old character in the game, actually, because he is one who just wants to see their pupils flourish and be great at studying in the academy. And when he heard about the whole Team Star and what went awry with them, instead of blatantly expelling them for their mishaps, he took what he heard about Team Star, what’s up with Penny and her friends, and, in in the best and most constructive way, gave them the opportunity to actually make the Academy a much more awesome place by turning their bases into training grounds for any student who wants to be the very best like no one ever was. He wants to keep up with the younger generation by having a chat about what their passions are. The whole Treasure Hunt thing was amazing. You’re doing great, Director. 10/10 such a chill old man (plus that disguise he had was so kickass lemme tell ya). We need to see more IRL people be like Director Clavell someday.

For the Pokemon League side of the games. The Gyms leaders are, as usual, mostly not interesting, BUT!!! Larry is interesting. He’s such a normal guy, but not in the usual kind of normal guy way. He has a PhD in Accounting. He has a thing for Normal-types. He has a thing for birds (me too Larry, me too). He knows how many Normal/Flying types Pokemon are out hence the reason Larry’s a Normal-Type Gym Leader AND a Flying-Type ELITE FOUR MEMBER. He’s got an office job that must’ve got some really good salary. He pays his taxes like the good civilian he is. He yeets his pokeball in a baseball-like manner; has he played baseball before? He truly is The Exceptional Everyman, and I understand why some parts of Tumblr is appointing him as a Tumblr Sexyman candidate. Also I think Ryme being a Ghost-Type Gym Leader, Grandma Rapper, and a Teacher at The Academy is really great too.

What about Nemona? Pretty much like Hugh, she wants to see us grow strong and powerful with her bc she knew how much potential we’ve got. But at the same time she needs to learn where to set her boundaries. She’s a little too fun. There’s Penny. She’s an introvert computer hacker who has a thing for Eeveelutions. She has an assortment of anime that she wants to binge-watch. She got promoted to fixing the LP security system bc she hacked into them in the first place. Wow what a great person actually. :)

All I can about Arven is that he should be besties with N :)

But what the hell was going on about Arven’s Mom/Dad?

Oh my god. The idea of an AI being really aware that they’re insanely programmed by the original Sada/Turo to protect the Time Machine from going haywire, the fact that the AI Sada/Turo has little control over whatever insane program it’s been prompted with, it’s all so.... auuuughghuhghghghhh... gives me ‘Do Computers Dream of Electric Sheep?’ vibes honestly. That AI has passed the Turing Test in so many ways... but why?

The AI Sada/Turo knew how much damage that the Time Machine may cause to Paldea’s ecosystem, and that they needed someone powerful enough to shut the machine down, but at the same time the AI knew that they're aware that they are programmed to protect instead, and that if they ceased to operate, the Time Machine would cause damage to the ecosystem beyond Area Zero. So pretty like how N farewelled us before leaving for distant travels and leaving us emotionally broken, the AI has chosen to go to the Time of The Dinosaurs/The Time of Future via the Time Machine, leaving us sad and Arven too. Arven was devastated when he realized all of this, and I feel so bad for him, but not just him. I feel bad for the AI that has been programmed to protect the thing that causing a paradox, knowing that they’ve got no control over it. I feel bad for the Professors because they had to sacrifice their quality family time to build an AI clone of themselves as some form of way to keep Arven company and to give a program that the AI has accepted, everything about the program basically, even knowing the risks that the program carries. The real Sada/Turo recklessly sacrificed themselves to the territorial Paradox Legendaries secretly in order to protect what they’ve love the most from the worst kind of dangers, that being their own Kuraidon/Miraidon, their Arven, and his goodest boi Mashiff. The AI knew the truth, and had to accept  everything about it.

Oh....

[harryimaginedstories]

on your side

genre: au (while I don’t like the term ‘au-fic’ at all imagine the two characters are in college together and in their early twenties.) angst and some fluff as well.

about 5k words

it’s entirely different than anything I have ever published and I really love it. please let me know what you think and stay safe during these wild and often scary times. 

read more here: my stories

photo: taken from instagram, previously taken by somebody from the movie AWC, which also inspired me (kinda) to even write this.

They started arguing pretty much the second the car door fell shut behind them and even ten traffic lights, countless of turns and getting honked at twice, didn’t stop their heated exchange of words. Harry’s hands held on to the seat tightly, an attempt not to touch her thigh like he normally would, while hers curled around the steering wheel until the white of her knuckles showed. It wasn’t uncommon for them to fight. They had never been one of those couples who didn’t call each other out on their bullshit or who tried hide anger when there was reason to feel it. However, this was the first time that they weren’t on their way home, where their argument could be settled in private. Instead, Harry and Y/N, both infuriated with each other, were on their way to a party. With one generous rotation of the wheel, Y/N parked Harry’s black car in the last free niche on the street of the frat house. The vehicle gave an unpleasant sound and Harry closed his eyes, his nostrils flaring. Before he got the chance to complain, Y/N swung open the door, stepped out and threw it shut hard enough to know it would set him off. 

“Jesus fuck!” Harry shouted, opening the passenger door and stepping out, too. 

She waited long enough to press ‘lock’ on the keys once he was out, then she walked away. With quick strides he caught up with her, and had he not been as angry as could be he would have probably felt hurt at her for not waiting up like she would have any other day.  Walking next to her he turned to look at her profile, trying to catch her eyes, but she refused. 

“Would you mind not taking your crazy out on my fucking car?”

“Oh, so you do care about that then. Good to know,” she snapped back. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Y/N halted and so did he. They were standing on the pavement, one house away from where there could already be heard the dull sound of music blaring and a good meter of distance between them.  Any other night they would be standing there, too. Only not to deliver a few more blows before pretending to be alright while their friends were around. On any other night, Harry would have taken advantage of the warm weather, by letting his hands roam across Y/N’s bare arms. She would have given him a kiss or two and made him a laugh at least as much. He would have reminded her for the fifth time (at least) that she looked beautiful. There wouldn’t be any distance between them, let alone one entire meter.

“There is one thing I’ve been hearing clearly through all of the bullshit you’ve said today,” Y/N hissed, her lips barely moving and her hands curling into tight fists by her side, “which is that you don’t give a fuck about me.”

“Oh my god.” His throat bobbed as he swallowed thickly, his head falling back before snapping forward quickly, “You’re being such a lunatic!”

Wind picked up some of her hair and pushed the loose strands into her eyes, breaking the angry stare she’d held with him and for a moment, Harry could have sworn she appeared to be younger. Then she brushed the hair off with shaky hands and back she was, angry and exhausted. 

“You’re a dick!” Y/N squealed, 

“Well, clearly we could go on,” he snapped and rolled his eyes, “but our fucking friends are waiting for us so do you think you can manage to avoid me for the next few hours so we can at least settle this at home?” 

Y/N crossed her arms over her chest, hiding her cleavage which he had tried not to stare ever since she’d put on the blue dress. That damn dress. Focusing on it now it only irked him further. She knew how much he loved it when she wore this particular piece of clothing. It had spent the night on the floor of his bedroom or over the back of a chair often enough. He was certain she’d put it on specifically to spite him. 

“Fine, let’s go. But since you’re unhappy with my parking,” Y/N stepped forward and reached up, pressing the hard metal of Harry’s car keys into his chest, “you get to be the designated driver tonight.” 

Her fist lingered on the fabric of his black T-shirt. Feeling her touch him momentarily paused his thoughts. All anger was forgotten, as if the wind had picked it up, too, and carried it far away. Harry whimpered and her lips parted, their eyes connecting without any trace of hurt in them. Then his hand found hers and she dropped the set of keys into his palm, snapping them both out of their brief moment of peace. 

“I don’t want to see you right now,” Y/N stuttered, blinking rapidly until her eyes turned darker again.

“Don’t come look for me later when you’re drunk and feeling sorry,” Harry replied, before he stepped around her and walked towards the frat building.

Y/N lost sight of him the second he stepped inside. Despite still feeling angry with him, she couldn’t stop herself from briefly wishing he wouldn’t have left her alone. She didn’t like being left alone at a party. Neither did he, for the matter, but she refused to feel guilty for sending him away. Y/N drew a shaky breath and stepped inside, instantly greeted by the smell of alcohol, smoke and pot. A big banner had been hung from one side of the hall to the other, wishing everybody a cheerful start to the new semester. Underneath mingled numerous students, all of which held drinks in their hands. Already Y/N recognized a few of them from some of her classes, she didn’t feel like talking to them however. To her luck she spotted a few friends of her in the first room she entered and was quickly greeted with hugs and kisses to her cheek. 

Dena, a girl Y/N had grown close with through sharing an equal distain for their econ teacher, pressed a drink into her hand and smiled. “You look like you need at least two of these.”

Y/N smiled sadly. “That obvious, huh?”

“Well, you didn’t cheer in delight upon seeing us like you should have so,” said Clara, another friend Y/N had made whilst talking badly about her teacher.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry.” 

Dena nudged her. “Also, your boyfriend stormed past us earlier so we expected something was up.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clara asked.

Y/N shook her head and took a long sip from her drink. It tasted of a mixture of beer and vodka, which on any other day she would have refused to drink. “I really don’t.”

“Great. Then let’s just cheer to us.”

The two girls raised their own cups and waited expectantly for Y/N to do the same. Dena grinned at her and cleared her throat. 

“To us, the coming semester, which we will fucking ace. And-” she paused, looking at Y/N, “to knowing when to kick your boyfriend’s ass. Cheers!”

“Cheers.”

Harry stood by the unlit fire pit in the lounge area, where the chairs had been pushed aside to create a dance floor. A scowl was deeply etched onto his face and he had yet to smile genuinely. He blamed the alcohol he wasn’t allowed to consume for how poorly he was feeling, but he knew even if he had drowned his veins in liquor, it wouldn’t be until he’d feel her touch him that he would be in a better mood. He stood back watching with a few of his mates, who were all except one, very drunk, as some freshmen clumsily turned the dinner table into a bear pong station. Matt, the only sober one left, had tried to get him to talk about why his mood was so sour three times already, receiving no answer each time. Harry rolled his eyes upon feeling him nudge his shoulder again.

“Where’s your girl?”

Harry shrugged. “Don’t know.”

He’d been cursing her short height since turning around and looking for her in the crowded hallway thirty minutes ago. She’d slipped past him without him noticing, and while he was too proud to go look for her properly, it annoyed him that he wasn’t able to casually spot her whenever he scanned one of the many rooms that had been turned into a club. He especially didn’t like it since he knew that she was drinking. Blindly he felt for his phone in his pocket, ensuring for the tenth time that its volume was turned up. Should she call him, he wanted to be sure that he wouldn’t miss it.

“Didn’t she come with you?” Matt pressed on, either oblivious to Harry’s annoyance or simply indifferent to it.

“Doesn’t mean she can’t wander off on her own, does it?” Harry replied, his voice rough. 

He’d never really liked Matt. Actually, he’d liked him a lot once. They’d even considered becoming roommates in their second year. He’d liked him, up until he’d gotten together with Y/N and noticed the gleam in Matt’s eyes the first time he’d introduced her to him. Their friendship dissolved fast after.

“I’m sure she can. She’s always been good at enjoying parties, hasn’t she?”

Harry didn’t reply. Once more his eyes scanned the room frantically, detecting every single face in hopes of recognizing the eyes to the one he loved.

“Dude!” Eric, a tall and broad looking bloke who’d just become team captain to the football team, stumbled into Harry’s side, knocking him back. 

“Sorry! Shit,” Eric laughed, doubling over, revealing that he was clearly drunker than he should have been, “I’m sorry, mate. Wow, I need to lay off a little.”

“No kidding,” Harry replied, but smiled when Eric slung a heavy arm around his shoulders. The unmistakable smell of alcohol fanned over his face as Eric talked, and his nose scrunched up. 

“You’ve been wearing a look as depressing as Matt’s sex life-”

“Hey, fuck you, Eric!” Matt snapped, unamused.

“-and I intend to fix that. C’mon.”

Harry didn’t fight it as the taller guy dragged him away, out of the lounge and into another room further down the hall. He certainly didn’t mind getting away form Matt. Regardless of them having been friends once, Matt was the last person he wanted to be around when he was having a rough time with Y/N. The smoke was thicker in this room and the music a little quieter. There were less people dancing and more sitting around on the couches and chairs. A few stood by the wall in small groups and some, the ones Eric was walking towards, were standing opposite a dart board. They cheered upon seeing the two guys approach, making more noise than anybody else in the room.

“You’re on my team and you’re gonna help me win, yeah? M’taking advantage of you being sober as a stone. Your aim is probably better than any of theirs.”

Harry laughed and nodded, accepting to be involved. “I’ll try my best.”

The first dart arrow was thrust into his hand by a guy named Kyle who appeared to be on the same team. Half an hour later and Eric was grinning from ear to ear, writing their leading score numbers onto a makeshift writing board that was really just the coffee table. Something the guys living in this house would be happy to find in the morning.  Y/N watched him. Despite being intoxicated, or perhaps because of how intoxicated she was, she noticed every muscle of his back move each time he raised his arm. Her heart fluttered whenever he laughed and she felt a heat grow at the pit of her stomach whenever he leaned his head to the side, revealing the back of his neck to her. And above his neck was his ear, which hid a spot right under his hairline where he liked to be kissed. Y/N’s lips parted at the thought and her toes curled.  He hadn’t noticed her when entering the room. She didn’t blame him though, since she’d successfully hid herself behind Dena and Eric’s big body also worked wonderfully as a shield. Despite anything she’d said before the party, she was immensely relieved to see him. The vodka-beer mixture which she’d learned had been invented by Clara, was disgusting but also got her drunk faster than she had expected. Or intended. Another round of cheers erupted as Harry scored another point for his team. 

“Not fair. You won’t give them as much as a chance to win.” 

A chill rushed down Harry’s back at the sound of the honey sweet female voice behind him, and Y/N, too, froze in place. Slender fingers touched Harry’s arm, caressing the skin despite being less than welcome to. Upon turning around he was met with Silja, who’s face wore a smile equally sweet as her sly voice. Though standing by the opposite wall, Y/N swore she could hear Silja as if she were standing next to her. She would always be able to detect her voice, especially if the words she spoke were directed to Harry. 

Dena followed her friend’s gaze and raised her brows. “Haven’t seen her in a while. I thought she dropped out.”

“Would have been too nice,” Y/N growled. 

She’d never actually talked to Silja herself and she surely didn’t intend to. Before getting together with him, Y/N had been mostly oblivious to who was genuinely interested in him and who she imagining to be. Only with Silja there had never been any doubt. Even before Harry had become hers, she’d felt a bitter taste collect in the middle of her tongue whenever the pretty brunette girl tried to talk to him. Once her claim on him had become justified, she disliked Silja and her upfront behaviour all the more.

“Hey, you know you don’t have to worry about her, right?” Dena said quietly, reading Y/N’s expression, “Harry has rejected her what, three times already? Even before he was with you. He’s not interested in her.”

“I know. I’m not worried about that,” Y/N said quickly, stepping around Dena to get a better look at her boyfriend and the girl that had yet to remove her hand from his arm, “I trust him.”

“Doesn’t make her less of a bitch,” Clara grumbled, also staring at them intently. 

The three girls watched Harry turn to look at Silja. He gave her a tight lip smile before he stepped away to make room for the next player, conveniently shrugging off her hand in process. To their dismay, Silja followed him.

“I haven’t seen you this summer,” she complained in an uncomfortably high voice, that was laced with feigned displeasure, “Where were you hiding?” 

Harry sighed, wishing Y/N would find him already, and rested his back against the wall. The last thing he needed for this party to become worse were the advances of the woman standing before him. “I wasn’t.”

Their summer had been great. They spent it looking for a flat to move into together. One weekend they’d taken the train out to the ocean and spent two days in a pretty bed and breakfast, where nothing distracted them from each other and everything, even their sheets, held the faint smell of sea salt. He wasn’t about to tell any of that to Silja though. 

The girl pouted, smudging her lilac lipstick at the corners. “Didn’t you miss me at all? Not even a little bit?” 

“No.”

She smiled. Her neck moved to the side as her eyes mustering him. “You and your attitude. I really missed that.”

Harry let his head fall back and for a moment Y/N forgot to eye the girl hitting on her boyfriend and instead stared at his throat. She longed to kiss him there, too. The darkened expression taking over his relaxed face quickly brought her attention back. Thinking about kissing him had made her miss the words Silja had said to upset him. 

“You’re wasting your time missing me.”

At last, Silja’s smile dropped. “You’re still with her, then?”

“Yep,” he replied shortly. 

 “Fine,” Silja pushed the long brown locks off her shoulder and crossed her arms, “maybe if she fucked you right you wouldn’t be such an asshole all the time.” 

“Fuck off, Silja,” Harry snapped, pushing himself off the wall to instantly tower over her.

“Harry! Your turn again, mate.”

Without giving her as much as a second look, Harry turned away and followed Eric’s call. Dena’s hand rested on Y/N’s shoulder, squeezing her gently whilst smiling at her. Y/N exhaled loudly and relaxed. She didn’t doubt Harry’s capability of getting rid of Silja. She’d also truly meant it when she’d said that she trusted him. But after their argument she wasn’t so sure that he didn’t want to receive some affection tonight, be it from anybody. While she would have hated it, simply entertaining Silja’s flirting wouldn’t have been cheating. A warm feeling overtook any worry left in her body upon watching him turn Silja away. He didn’t bother look at her again but walked back to his friends to resume the game, treating her like she wasn’t even there. He didn’t even give Silja the satisfaction of remaining angered by her words. Giving up her attempts, Silja walked away and left the room quickly, her cheeks slightly rosy in embarrassment. 

“Remind me to kiss him later for that,” Y/N said, her voice holding more love for him than she would usually let on whilst angry. 

Clara laughed. “So you’re not mad at him anymore.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me that I was or I might still be.”

“What were you two fighting about anyway?” Dena asked. 

Y/N took another long sip from her drink, before remembering that she’d wanted to not drink any more for the night. Oh well. 

“He didn’t come home last night. Without notifying me. He fell asleep at stupid Rick’s place and neither of them bothered shooting me a text or ringing me about it. I spent all night worried sick.”

Y/N’s expression hardened at the thought of waiting up for him. She’d paced around the living room of their new flat before settling on the couch, vowing to stay awake until he returned. She’d had half a mind not to call his mother or sister, not quite worried enough to ask them. 

“I didn’t see him until an hour before coming here ‘cause I had to work today. So we didn’t have time to properly fight about it.”

“Didn’t he say he was sorry?”

“Sure he did, as well as stating that I was overreacting and not his mother.”

“Ugh, men,” Dena grumbled, then she changed the subject, “Let’s get refills in the kitchen!”

Harry got bored of the game after the fifth round, but stayed to play until the team he’d joined won by a margin. Then he politely excused himself from playing another round. Though she’d told him she didn’t want to see him, Harry really wanted to see Y/N and he figured over an hour of distance sufficed for her to calm down. Maybe she would even allow herself to be happy about him finding her. He strolled around the room, then went looking in the hall and finally searched the lounge. If only she were a little taller, he thought once more. All of sudden he heard a loud shout. It wasn’t one of the usual party hollers, it was one that held no joy at all. With swift strides Harry crossed the room, turned left in the hallway and entered the kitchen. This time he didn’t have to search to see her. Y/N was sitting on the counter, her legs dangling down and her hands curling around the stone surface. Across from her was the kitchen table on which all of the different liquor bottles had been placed. It was also where the single shout turned into several. A guy Harry hadn’t ever seen around campus before stood next to a broken bottle of vodka. His hand curled into a fist and his face was red. Opposite him stood Dena, a girl Harry barely knew beyond her being a friend of Y/N. Next to Dena was a guy named Dylan, his face painted with guilt and worry. 

“You fucking broke my shit!” the stranger shouted. 

Y/N flinched. It wasn’t Dena who’d pissed off the wrong guy, but Dylan who had tried to make a drink for them. She didn’t feel any less involved if the guy were to be shouting at her. The second the bottle had broken and the tall stranger exclaimed that it’d been his, Y/N had felt fear curse through her. She hated it. She hated how a man shouting was so scary that she froze in place.  Just like she always did when afraid, her eyes began to search for Harry. Heavy like a wave and equally overwhelming was the relief when she saw him lingering in the doorway.  Their eyes met. Y/N visibly relaxed. She could read the question in the look he was giving her and she eagerly nodded. There were so few people scattered around the small place, Harry had no trouble reaching the counter.  Once in arms reach she held out her right hand, whimpering when his fingers slotted through hers and holding on tight. Any anger towards each other was forgotten the moment their skin touched. Y/N gave a determined pull until he stood next to where she was sitting, her legs touching his waist. Harry didn’t say anything, but he allowed her to let go of his hand to instead hold on to his shoulder. His own settled heavily on her thigh, relishing the feeling of her bare skin. He didn’t complain when her fingers curled tightly around the fabric of his shirt, nor did she mind how intimate it felt to have his hand on her naked thigh. His eyes quickly scanned her face, waiting for her nod, confirming that she was alright. Y/N smiled gently, relief mirroring in her eyes. Harry returned her smile. His heart clenching when he noticed the faint veil of alcohol before her eyes. Ever so slightly, their heads leaned towards each other, then his nose softly touched her forehead.

“He didn’t do it on purpose,” Dena said defensively, “and these bottles are for everybody to use.”

Harry shifted closer to Y/N but removed his nose form her hairline. Unwillingly he turned his attention back to where the argument grew. The stranger’s head, figuratively doubling in size by the minute, was red and looming over Dena like a balloon hovering in the sky. He had to admit it was impressive that Dena, equally short as Y/N, refused to back off.

“I wasn’t asking you! You and your friend better figure out how to replace my drink and you better do it fast!”

“Mate, lay off a bit, will ya? They didn’t do anything on purpose,” Harry interrupted, his voice calm and steady, “Why don’t you just grab one of the ten other bottles and leave ‘em alone?” 

The stranger, slightly shorter than Harry, turned to look at them. Y/N tightened her hold on his shoulder. She was mentally preparing herself to jump off the counter and at the stranger’s throat instead, should he as much as try to pick a fight with Harry. Noticing her shift beside him, Harry’s hold on her intensified.

“Leave them alone?” the tall guy snapped, “that was twenty fucking quid he broke!” 

“Bit embarrassing that you’re whining about twenty quid,” Harry said, wearing a smug grin, “and picking a fight like some kind of neanderthals who found out somebody’s pissed into his cave.” 

Dena giggled and so did Y/N, along with some bystanders who’d gathered to watch. The bloke narrowed his eyes, first at Harry, then at the girl sitting beside him. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but Y/N interrupted him. “Quit looking at me and spare me any sexist bullshit you’re about to say.” 

The guy rolled his eyes, then smiled. “You’re pretty for a bitch.”

Y/N’s hand yanked Harry back by his shoulder equally fast as he’d pushed off the counter to lunge forward and at the guy. The movement caused him to knock against the counter uncomfortably. She didn’t let go and didn’t move, despite Harry’s enraged breathing getting louder.  

“Fuck you!” Harry shouted, eyes wide. 

Anger oozed out of his pores and heat settled in the small kitchen. Calm and collected only a moment ago, he was all the more scarier now that he was enraged. Scary enough to make the stranger take back a step. Y/N loosened her hold on Harry’s shoulder, sliding her hand down to press against his back instead. She rubbed his spine gently, hoping to ease him by letting him know she was okay. 

"You need to leave,” Y/N stated, her voice calm.

“Definitely,” Dena agreed, her eyes trained on her friend before finding Harry.

He didn’t return her gaze, his eyes remained on the tall blonde. They stayed put until the guy lowered his empty cup to the table, the movement slow and deliberate. He clearly didn’t want it to look like he was leaving because he was told to, so he took his time. But finally he turned away, before at last leaving the kitchen and hopefully the party all together. 

Harry shuddered upon feeling Y/N’s nose against the shell of his ear. “I’m fine, Harry.”

“What a wanker.”

“A fucking wanker,” Y/N replied, her smile practically audible in her voice. 

Harry turned around to face her, all of his attention returning to where it belonged: her. His eyes looked into hers intently, reading every answer to all of his unspoken questions.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes. Are you?”

He nodded. “Did he try anything before I came?”

“I noticed him about zero-point-five seconds before you arrived, Harry. I’m fine, I promise.”

Her hands gently took hold of his face. The fingers of her left hand traced along his jawline as tenderly as one would the rim of a glass in hopes of eliciting a sound. That’s how Harry sometimes felt when she touched him. Like she was being as tender as she could possibly fathom to be. 

“Does that mean you’re gonna go back to being mad at me?” As he spoke, Harry moved closer. His hands rested on each side of her hips, allowing his body to get closer to hers as he leaned forward.

Y/N laughed and shook her head, their faces so close they almost touched. She enjoyed the warmth of his breath fanning against her throat. 

“Are you? You were at least as pissed off as I was.”

He shrugged, then playfully nudged her nose with his. “No.”

“Then I think I’ll let it go, too,” she answered, faking to be coy, “For now, you still owe me an apology later.”

Harry laughed. “That’s fair. Promise to mean it this time, too.” 

Her eyes narrowed. She took hold of his chin, holding him still so she could kiss him without giving him the chance to deepen it. The feeling of his mouth slotting with hers, be it as briefly as it was, ignited her like nothing else could. Any remaining worry was pulled from the corners in her body where it had hidden, and was thrown out not to return. Harry took over. All of the space inside her that could belong to an emotion, now belonged to him.

“I knew you didn’t mean it earlier,” she breathed accusingly against his lips. 

“I meant it a little,” he said, curling his hand around her wrist to pull away the hold she’d taken and he kissed her a second time before she could complain. 

Despite their desperation their teeth didn’t clash together, nor did their noses unintentionally bump. They’d kissed too many times not to blindly meet each other without missing. His tongue glided along her bottom lip, hers pushed his aside so it could trespass into his mouth. Frantic hands held on to her hips and her thigh, eager fingers remembered to be gentle as they settled on the back of his neck. Harry moaned and Y/N pulled away.

“Thank you,” she whispered, just enough space between them so she could speak. 

Harry’s kisses trailed down from the corner of her mouth to her cheek and her jaw, his lips warm, wet and determined. He allowed one kiss to last a little longer, followed by a small lick to her earlobe.

As satisfied as could be as long as they weren’t alone, he raised his head to look at her again. “What for?”

“Being on my side even when we’re fighting.” 

The smile gracing her features was so genuine he could have melted, just like her words were spoken with more love behind them than he could detect. He smiled and willingly moved his head to the side, so she could kiss below his ear. The heat in his belly grew and he let her know by squeezing her hips.

“Ditto.”

[jokerscrazybrilliant]

Survive - Chapter 4 - (Captain Rex)

Chapter 1 · Chapter 2 · Chapter 3 · Chapter 4

Story on other platforms:

A03 · Quotev

________

“Master Anakin,” I was surprised to see him on the bridge as I entered. “I thought you would’ve been preparing your ship for battle.”

He turned to me with a small, excited smile. “Actually, Ahsoka is leading this assault.”

My eyes widened lightly in surprise. “Oh! That’s exciting.” I moved to join him and Rex at the holo-table that displayed the planetary blockade. "So, how come she gets her first command here before I do?!" I piped up lightheartedly.

"She's been training with me for longer." Anakin responded without looking at me.

"But I've been training for years!" I protested in dismay.

"But not with me." He turned to me with a small smirk.

"So what?! You don't believe in my abilities?"

"I only leave my squad with people I trust."

"So you don't trust me?!" My voice was between hilarity and hysteria as I stared at him in disbelief.

"I didn't say that exactly..." Anakin trailed off, grinning teasingly.

The captain tried but failed to hide his snickers at this, and I narrowed my eyes as I turned to glare at him. "What are youlaughing at?" I made my voice as threatening as I could as I stared daggers at him.

"Oh nothing, commander." He straightened up immediately, not quite able to maintain a straight face as I chased Anakin off the bridge towards the hangar bay, threatening him that he would soon learn what true regret is.

***

Anakin beat me to the hangar, wanting to check on Ahsoka before her first solo lead, and I followed soon after, walking over to where they were speaking, Ahsoka sitting in her red Jedi Fighter. “You nervous, Ahsoka?” I asked, smile on my face as I recalled my first time commanding a fighter squadron. It was both exhilarating and terrifying, and I remember the adrenaline that took over my veins in that first dogfight, leading my men over a separatist-occupied world.

“What is with you people?!” She threw her hands in the air frustratedly. Clearly, I had struck some sort of nerve.

“Sorry, sorry.” I laughed, holding my hands up in surrender. “Well then, are you feeling ready for your first command?”

“I hope so.” She muttered lightly.

“I believe she is.” Anakin gave her a warm, encouraging smile.

“I do too.” I grinned at her, trying to convey confidence to her somehow. “Trust in the force.” I told her, and she nodded pensively, taking a deep breath to calm herself before she began her assault. I left her there with her master, heading back to the bridge where I could oversee the battle with Master Skywalker and Admiral Yularen.

***

It was a trap. Four enemy cruisers had been waiting to reinforce the blockade, and the moment we launched our attack they made their entry. Ahsoka, too headstrong and determined to make her first mission a success, had not relented to Admiral Yularen and Master Skywalker’s orders to return to the ship until it was far too late, losing her entire squadron in the process.

I felt bad for her but didn’t blame her. When I was younger, I would’ve made the same mistake. Excited at the prospect of being seen as a proper leader, wanting to make my master proud… I could understand why she was so crushed. Losing your men for the first time was not an easy thing. The loss weighed heavy on your soul, even years after the fact. Their faces haunted your dreams…

Shaking myself out of my trance, I headed to the hangar bay once more to see what Master Skywalker was up to, after hearing he had called for the immediate evacuation of the starship Defender, one of our only two remaining cruisers.

“Master, what’s the deal? Why is the Defender evacuating?” I found him standing with Ahsoka in front of his shuttle, R2 waiting behind him on the ramp.

“Oh, Ahsoka will bring you up to speed on the plan.” He winked at me, turning to walk up the ramp, Rex following after him.

“Rex, you don’t have to come. I don’t intend to put anyone other than myself at risk here.” I raised my eyebrows at Anakin’s words. Just how risky was his new plan?

“Of course, Sir.” Rex ignored him, climbing up the ramp ahead of him, Anakin grinning in amusement at this.

“Alright. Then good luck with this plan Master. Oh, and Rex, keep an eye on him please.” I called to the captain.

“Of course, sir. Someone has to.” Anakin laughed at this and followed Rex onto the ship, ignoring Ahsoka’s frustrated calls as he left her and I in a hangar full of confused soldiers.

“Awaiting orders, commander.” The men peered at her curiously, unsure of what to do with the new commander in charge.

“I’ll be on the bridge…” Ahsoka backed away hesitantly, looking thankful when another soldier stepped in.

“You heard her men, back to work!” Quickly everyone went back to business as usual, and I followed Ahsoka to the lift.

“Everything alright?” I inquired concernedly as the doors hissed shut behind us.

She nodded, not meeting my eyes. “Yeah, it’s fine.” She muttered.

Before I could say anything else the doors opened back up to the bridge and Ahsoka walked out, me following after her slowly. I stood to the back slightly as I observed her debriefing, not liking how the men were doubting her explanations.

Master Skywalker’s brilliant plan was to try to ram his way though the blockade with the now evacuated Defender, taking down their major defenses and allowing for us to mount an attack with our remaining forces. It was by no means an ideal plan, but if Anakin were here to tell them, no one would question him. He would’ve gone through the debrief with such confidence the men would actually start to believe it might work.

Ahsoka, on the other hand, was having some trouble, understandably. She was young, and new to command, and she had just suffered a blow to her confidence when she lost her squadron. But this was an important lesson for her to learn, and I understood why Master Skywalker was pushing her like this. It was the only way to teach her to someday be a great Jedi Master. Either you could deal with the pressure, or you couldn’t.

“I wish General Skywalker had discussed this plan with us. The odds are very much against us.” The Lieutenant sighed, shaking his head as he stared at the holograms displayed in front of us.

“They always are.” Ahsoka murmured dismally, eyes lowered in defeat.

“Yes, but normally we have General Skywalker to lead us and–” My eyes widened at this, heart sinking as Ahsoka’s confidence sunk even further. “I meant no offense – commander.” The Lieutenant apologized quickly, realizing what his words insinuated. I bit my lip, watching the interaction before me. As much as I wanted to step in and defend Ahsoka, to lend her some of my strength, Anakin put her in charge for a reason. This was a learning chance for her, and she needed to find the strength and confidence to be a leader on her own. She needed to learn to trust herself.

“None taken.” Her eyes lowered to the floor, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was too soon for Anakin to be testing her in this manner. Her confidence had already taken a major hit when she lost her squad. I decided it wasn’t my choice. I simply had to trust Anakin’s instincts as a teacher. I also had to focus on his suicidal plan at the moment, and try to figure out how we would make that work.

“Just one problem.” I folded my arms as I stepped forward, closer to the circle, drawing everyone’s attention for a moment. “When Anakin takes out that command ship, how are we going to manage to destroy the remaining ships with our limited firepower?” I raised my brows lightly, inviting ideas, eyes focused on Ahsoka.

“I thought about that, and, well, I have an idea.” The corner of my lips curled up into a smile as Ahsoka brightened, realizing she had something to contribute.

“Go ahead, commander.”

“If we took the Resolute and angled her hull against the incoming frigates, the bridge and hangar deck would be relatively safe from their attack. We could draw them in and then use the bombers to outflank them. The bombers would be too fast, and they would be trapped.” Her eyes lit up as she pitched her idea, hope trickling into her force signature.

“I’m not sure about this, commander.” The Lieutenant quickly dismissed her idea, doubt littering his voice. “Perhaps a different strategy – we need more time to plan.”

“No!” Ahsoka cut in angrily, “We don’t have any more time! Master Skywalker needs me now! He needs us now.” I smiled proudly as she regained her resolve.

I opened my mouth to support her, but Admiral Yularen spoke up before I could, walking up to join us at the holo-table. “The commander is right. I know this strategy is very bold, but these circumstances call for drastic measures.”

“Then, the strategy will work, sir?”

Yularen turned to Ahsoka, brow raising to her. “Well, will it?”

“Yes, it will.” Ahsoka flashed him a grateful smile, and, the men reassured, we began preparations to set our plan in motion.

***

“I can’t believe that worked.” Ahsoka murmured to me, watching the new wave of our bombers taking out the remainders of the enemy fleet.

I chuckled at her admission. “Me neither.” I reached out, giving her shoulder a little squeeze. “You did well Ahsoka. This success is yours. Now let’s go grab your master before he manages to get himself in trouble.” I gave her a warm smile as I headed over to the comm table, turning it on and switching it to Anakin’s frequency.

He appeared onscreen with a grin, a slightly disgruntled Rex behind him. “Nim, Snips! How did my plan go?”

“You mean you didn’t see Ahsoka utterly decimate the enemy?” I raised my eyebrows at him curiously.

“Yeah, about that. We were hit by an enemy ship, grazed, actually, and we’re fine, but we may have drifted off course…” He gave a slightly guilty smile as Rex gave a sigh behind him. “It was an accident!”

“You thought you could hit it and take it out without hurting our escape pod, sir.” I let out a small laugh at this, Ahsoka raising the heel of her palm to her forehead with a small, exasperated sound.

“Well, I’m sorry for trying to help my padawan in any way I can!” Anakin exclaimed, gesturing towards her in emphasis. “I didn’t realize these escape pods were so flimsy.” He muttered under his breath.

“It’s an escape pod, not a fighter.” I grinned at Anakin’s inability to stay out of a fight.

“Well, our beacon has been transmitting and we’re just waiting here for you to come get us.” I turned to Ahsoka, about to tell her we could take my ship to pick him up, before Anakin turned to look at something offscreen, catching my attention. “Oh, is that you already?”

I frowned at this, sharing a look of confusion with Ahsoka before looking back at Anakin. “That’s not us, what–” The comm froze and fizzed out, his image disappearing in front of us. “Ahsoka, update Admiral Yularen on the situation, have him scan our surroundings using long and short-range scanners and send out two shuttles to take opposite sectors and find that escape pod.”

Ahsoka nodded at me and turned, hurrying off to find the Admiral, and I took a breath, keeping any panic at bay as I formulated my thoughts on what could’ve happened to Anakin.

***

“We’ve been monitoring any transmissions, it doesn’t seem the separatists have–”

“None of our shuttles have found anything–”

“We’ve boosted signal to the scanners and still haven’t found any sign–”

“Commander! Incoming transmission.” I turned to the trooper and gave him a nod, dismissing the crew around me as I followed him into the transmission room, Ahsoka following behind me silently.

Masters Mace Windu and Obi-Wan were waiting for us onscreen, Obi-Wan turning and addressing us immediately as we walked in. “Nimra, Ahsoka, I’m glad to see you. I hear something about Anakin’s escape pod getting lost?”

I nodded at this. “His shuttle was damaged in his escape, and they were thrown off course. We were speaking to him when he seemed to think we found him, and his transmission was cut off. We’ve been searching for him with as many resources as we can afford right now, and we’ve been keeping an eye on any outgoing separatist transmissions. It doesn’t seem that they have him.”

Master Windu finally spoke up, looking at me as he conducted himself in his usual, serious manner. “I know that these are stressful times, but it is critical that you maintain the airspace in front of this planet in order for us to be able to successfully take the capital.”

“Understood, Master Windu.” I nodded to him respectfully.

“Let us know when you have any updates on the situation. That’ll be all.” With that the holograms disappeared, leaving me and Ahsoka in the empty room.

“We need to send more people to look for him – widen the scanner range!” Ahsoka’s anxious voice cut through the silence.

I shook my head at her gently. “You heard what Master Windu said, we need to maintain this airspace. We will keep monitoring all comms and scanners, but we can’t afford sending out more ships, we need them here. Anakin will manage just fine. Besides, Rex is with him. He’ll keep him out of trouble.” I gave her a small smile, and she tried to contain her disappointment as she let out a small, frustrated huff, nodding to me obediently before going back out to the bridge.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting out a small plea for patience into the force before following out after her.

***

After another eighteen hours straight on the bridge, monitoring all movements and squads, Admiral Yularen finally forced me off the bridge, pulling rank and demanding I take some time to rest, which, as I so helpfully pointed out, I did not need. But alas, I made my way to my quarters and laid in bed for a fitful two hours before giving up and exiting my room once more, wandering the halls until I found myself in the hangar bay.

With most fighters either deployed or in the repair space, the rest of the bay was fairly empty. Slowly, I trudged over to where my own personal ship sat. The Aa’kua, which translated to ‘respect’ in basic. It was an old Corellian word, and one of the few ways I ever tied myself to my planet of origin. I didn’t remember anything of Corellia, I was only a youngling when I was found and brought into the order and I hadn’t returned there since. However occasionally I would find myself wondering about it. Maybe I had some family there that was missing me. I would never know. So instead I learned some old Corellian words, ales and recipes.

I looked up at the ship, tracing my fingers along the custom painted teal hull. It was a Theta-class T2c shuttle that had been retrofitted with particle shields as well as more powerful ray shields. The hull of the ship was larger than usual to account for and house where I had equipped proton torpedoes. It was originally a personal transport shuttle, one typically used by senators to transport them to and from Coruscant’s surface, but I made sure it was ready for battle.

With nothing to do and no intention to go back to my desolate quarters, cracked open one of the ship’s panels and searched for any repairs that could consume my attention for even a moment.

***

It had been a few days since Anakin’s escape pod went missing. Master Obi-Wan’s mission was a success, and Master Windu was about to mount his attack on the capital when we got a message from him telling us the separatists had begun attacking innocent civilian communities, bombers attacking entire cities at a time. “We need you to take them out.”

I bowed my head to him. “Yes master.” Exiting the communications room, I knew I would need Ahsoka to help me if we were to eliminate the enemy forces quickly enough to help Master Windu. We had limited resources and needed every last hand on deck.

I commed her to let her know to meet me in the shuttle bay and I got the men ready to deploy in two flights. One under my command, and one under Ahsoka’s.

“You called for me?” I turned to find Ahsoka looking up at me, eyes flickering from me to the ships behind me, men prepping fighters for flight.

“Yes. Master Windu needs us to provide air support on the planet’s surface. The separatists have begun attacking innocent civilians.”

“But Master Skywalker–”

“We will find him, Ahsoka, I promise you. You have a strong bond with him. Search through the force, can you feel him?” I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing myself to go through the exercise with her.

“Yes.”

“Good. Then you know he’s okay. We both know Anakin can take care of himself, but right now those separatists are attacking innocent people, and they need us. They can’t protect themselves, so we must protect them. Can you do that?”

“Yes, Nimra.”

“Good. My squadron will cover the north, and the planet’s capital, but I need you to lead your men and destroy whatever ships are in the south.”

“We’ll destroy every last one of those bombers.” I smiled at her determination.

“Alright then. Let’s go.”

***

We managed to destroy all the bombers successfully, and in time to make Master Windu’s plan a success, and once we saw them safely take the capital, we made our way back to our cruiser. Charger found me before I even made my way down the ladder as I descended from my Jedi Fighter. “Commander Sayla, Admiral Yularen wants you in the communications room urgently. Something about General Skywalker.”

I gave him a quick nod, thanking him before I gestured for Ahsoka to follow as I made my way to the lift. “What’s this about?” She asked after hurrying to join me.

I shrugged and the lift took us up to the bridge. We quickly hurried across the bridge, catching glances from the officers around us as we made our way into the small comm room where Admiral Yularen already stood, arms folded neatly behind his back as he observed the hologram before him.

The weequay turned to us as we entered, grinning as he spoke. “Welcome, welcome, my friends.”

Admiral Yularen turned as well, and I looked to him with a raised brow. “Who is this?”

The weequay lifted his hat and bowed, brandishing it dramatically as he introduced himself. “I am Hondo Ohnaka, at your service!”

My second brow rose at this, confused by who this person was or why we were speaking to him.

“This bounty hunter claims to have gained custody of General Skywalker.” The Admiral informed us, and I quickly raised a hand to restrain Ahsoka. I gave her a look that told her to stay silent, and stood forward as this ‘Hondo Ohnaka’ gave an offended gasp at the Admiral’s statement.

“Don’t insult me! We are pirates! And I do not claim to have, I have him!” He gestured behind him, flopping into a chair and propping his feet as the hologram expanded to show some of his background, including a handcuffed Anakin. He looked to be unharmed, apart from his damaged ego, giving a sheepish smile as he waved a hand. Anakin disappeared from the transmission again as the focus went back to Hondo. “We found a damaged escape pod and so kindly rescued it, and now we are returning your master jedi to you safely. I have already been talking to this Admiral of yours about the small matter of… payment, for our services, you know, fuel can be so expensivethese days.”

"What about the captain that was with Master Skywalker in the escape pod? Where is he?"

The pirate fiddled with his hands for a moment. "Ah yes, well you see, that is kind of a funny story, actually." He stood from his chair dramatically as his speech became more animated. "Someone managed to get away with him. Presumably, he had an arrangement with some third party. He tried to take both my guests and flee, but we managed to stop him! Partially, anyway."

"Who managed to get away with him?" My eyes narrowed as my patience waned thin, growing more and more frustrated with how at ease this pirate seemed to be, like we were old friends or colleagues.

"One of my men, one of my own crew – betrayedme! Oh – I taught them so well. But that does mean I have no idea where your friend is. But at least we have the Jedi!" He grinned widely, gesturing at where we had previously seen Anakin off to the side.

"If you harm him, you will regret it. I swear to you." The animosity in my voice surprised even myself. I wasn't sure which part of me this was coming from, but it certainly wasn't the rational part. The rational part of my brain was citing everything Master Obi Wan and Master Diya had ever taught me about patience and being the bigger person, to no avail.

"Oh–" the pirate gasped and brought a hand up to his chest. "You offend me! There is no need for threats here, believe me. We are a civilised people, we do not require that sort of thing. This Master Jedi will have our best treatment! So long as you bring the payment of course." The pirate gave a final smile and little wave before shouting at someone in the background to end the transmission.

I brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of my nose for a moment. "How much do they want?"

"They are asking for one million credits."

"I will ask the Council on how to proceed." I received a nod from him before exiting the bridge.

***

I sent word to my informant to look for any information on Rex’s whereabouts, and the council sanctioned the credits to trade for Master Skywalker. And since we were no longer needed on Ryloth, we made our way to the coordinates to collect our wayward General. It took some convincing Ahsoka that we would simply make the trade rather than fighting these pirates for Anakin, but she was learning patience the hard way.

As was I. "Any word back from Cid yet?" Echo pulled my out of my thoughts, drawing my eyes away from my cup of caf. I shook my head bleakly. "And you trust this bounty hunter?"

"Cid isn't a bounty hunter, Cid is more of a... Third party coordinator. And yes, all the info I've gotten in the past has been good. I haven't been betrayed yet." I gave him a sarcastic smile.

My private comm flashed and I jumped to me feet. "Might be Cid, I've got to take this." I didn't wait for his nod of acknowledgement as I made my way out of the mess hall, stepping into a quiet corner to answer my comm.

Cid appeared before me, sitting behind her desk, as usual. "You have the intel I asked for?" I asked, trying not to let myself sound too hopeful.

"Well, some of it. I've got a location. Not sure who the bounty hunter is but according to some chatter I picked up, the exchange will take place on the planet Karkaris. And soon."

My eyebrows raised at this information. Karkaris was in the Nilgaard sector, only a few parsecs away but we were due to meet with Master Skywalker's captor for an exchange and if we veered off course there was no way we'd make it on time. And, of course, there was the small matter of Karkaris being a separatist planet, but that was a whole other set of roadblocks.

"Alright. Thank you, Cid, I'll transfer your credits now."

She peered at me over her desk, uncharacteristically concerned. "Everything alright, meddler?" I smiled at the nickname she had given me when I fixed her broken dejarik table without her asking when we first met. She couldn't seem to wrap her head around why I would fix someone else's things for free.

I gave her a small nod now, feeling slightly reassured now that I knew Rex wasn't hopelessly lost to the galaxy. "Everything is fine Cid, thank you. Take care of yourself." I gave her a final smile and shut off the communicator, heading up to the bridge to discuss my new information with Ahsoka and Admiral Yularen.

***

"We don't know what we're getting into with this pirate business, and our fleet is severely depleted. We cannot split the fleet and go into separatist controlled space with no plan or backup. We'll simply have to conduct our arrangement, get General Skywalker back, and then we can intercept Captain Rex's location." I frowned at Admiral Yularen's words, hating the finality in his tone. He had already made up his mind.

"But my informant stated that the exchange would happen soon, and we need to be there when it happens."

His expression remained neutral as he stared at me and I sighed heavily, running a hand through my hair. "Alright. If you won't deploy any of your fleet, I'll take my own ship. I can't risk missing the exchange. You get Anakin and I'll head to Captain Rex's position. I'll rendezvous with you once I have him."

Not waiting for anyone's approval, I turned and stalked off the bridge, sighing deeply once I passed through the doors.

It's okay. It's just me versus one bounty hunter, how hard can this be?

***

Very hard, the answer was very hard!

"Flopsy, divert power to the thrusters and jam that ship's communications!" I shouted at my astromech, struggling to keep up my maneuvers as the bounty hunter shot rapid fire in our direction.

"Rex's thank you better be worth it," I grumbled as we took another hit, Flopsy immediately beeping its response at me. "No, I know he's my friend, but I am going into overtime here!" I joked, then sighed as I tried not to worry about his condition, whether he was safe and in one piece or not. "If this bounty hunter has laid a single kriffing finger on him they are gonna wish they had born a protocol droid." I narrowed my eyes at the ship in front of me, which was making its way to the planets surface below us.

Flopsy told me that the ship was landing at a port near what appeared to be a small separatist ship, meaning clankers. "I am really starting to wish I had some backup here." I complained as we landed the ship not too far from where the action would take place.

I told Flopsy to watch the ship and quickly headed down, stealthily moving over to where the transaction was taking place. I bit my lip as I watched the bounty hunter head down from his ship dragging a hovering carbonite slab behind him with a familiar form encased inside it. He headed to the centre where a seppy was standing, surrounded by a small platoon of droids, standard B1s with two rows of super droids behind them.

It did not look pleasant, but I knew I could handle it. My mind was more on which angle would be best to have all their fire directed away from Rex’s position, and quickly I made my way to the optimal point, slowly moving closer. The sleazeball separatist handed over a case of what I assumed to be spice over to the bounty hunter, and as he set the carbonite down, I made my move. Jumping down to my feet just behind the squad of droids, I took out three super droids with one slash, moving to another two before my moves were even registered.

The slower droids finally turned to me, firing immediately, drawing the attention of the separatist and the bounty hunter, who grabbed his spice and made for his ship, loyally calling out to his employer, “I believe our transaction is concluded!”

I moved through the droids and directly intercepted the seppy, who, predictably, dove for cover as he saw me approaching, dropping Rex where I could quickly drag him back to where the Aa’kua was waiting, Flopsy keeping her ready for takeoff. "It's just me saving everyone's kriffing skins." I mumbled under my breath, deflecting a blaster shot back and the droid who sent it.

I shoved the hovering carbonite slab up the ramp ahead of me, deflecting lasers at the base as I shouted up to Flopsy, “Get us out of here now!” I staggered up the surface as it moved to close, the ship humming excitedly as it moved from the ground.

The door latched shut and I shut my lightsaber off, attaching it to my hilt then moving to check on Rex. The small interactive pad on the side told me his vitals were being held stable, so I hurried to the cockpit to set us into hyperspace before I worried about him.

“Have you calculated the jump?” I fell into my seat and turned to the controls, diverting power to the rear shields and stabilizers as I felt the ship thunder around us. Those droids were relentless, two small fighters following us into the atmosphere. Flopsy beeped affirmatively at me, and I nodded, taking us higher so we could make the jump.

We made it out of the planet’s atmosphere, and I flipped the ship around in a violent one-eighty turn, firing on the droid fighters the moment they met my sights, obliterating them on impact. Huffing in satisfaction, I turned us back around, checking that all systems were a go before pushing the lever to launch us into hyperspace.

Once we were safely underway, I left the controls with Flopsy, heading back down to unlock the captain from his carbonite confines. I set the slab up vertically, moving to the sides and fiddling with the controls. I couldn’t read whatever language it was written in, but I had a guess as to what buttons corresponded to which controls, so soon enough I heard the hissing noise that meant I was successful.

“Ach–” I stepped back, the vapour clogging my throat as the carbonite dissipated. I heard a groan and a concerning thump, and the air cleared to reveal a crumpled Rex on the floor of the storage bay. I hurried to him, laying his head down on my leg and looking him over for any injuries. I took in a blaster wound in his side, the carbonite couldn’t have helped that.

"Rex? Rex? Easy there captain, you don't look too good." I stopped him from trying to sit up, he looked pale and feverish.

"C-commander Sayla?" His voice was hoarse, and he was shivering. This was not good.

"I'm here, I'm right here Rex." I tried to sound reassuring as I looked around, trying to recall where I had stuffed the deactivated medical droid I had aboard the ship.

"I can't see." He tried not to sound too panicked, but I could still feel it. Reassuringly I put my hand on his armoured shoulder.

"That’s alright, it’s only temporary. I think you have hibernation sickness, let's get you up on the bed and I'll activate the med-droid to have a look at you." I moved to carry him using the force but the moment he felt the pressure around him he protested.

“I can stand!” He protested, making me chuckle.

“You’re injured, and sick, don’t make me pull rank captain, just sit still for a minute.” I smiled as he grit his teeth, and quickly carried him using the force, keeping him still as I moved him to the small med-pod onboard. I set him in the bed and quickly searched for the med-droid, finding it folded and tucked away neatly in a corner.

I quickly pulled it open and clicked it on, but it turned on and frizzled out of life within moments, some of the wires in the back sparking as it died. I turned it over on the floor and observed the frayed wires, rolling my eyes in annoyance. “What happened?” The captain tried to keep his voice light.

“Droid’s wires are damaged, I have spares, give me a minute to go grab them.” I left him and the damaged droid and went to the small room I had filled to the brim with spare parts. I ignored the pile of metal scraps that tumbled to the floor as the door opened for me, stepping over the mess as I made my way to a back corner where all types and tangles of wires lay. I quickly found a colourful bundle that would do the trick and grabbed a spanner on my way to the med-pod. I rolled my eyes as I walked in, realizing he must have sat himself up when I was gone.

Flinging myself onto the floor I crossed my legs, beginning work on the droid. "I don't know why they had to take the whole fleet for Skywalker, but whatever." I grumbled to myself as I ripped out the damaged wiring impatiently.

"You forget, we clones were bred to be expendable."

"Don't say that. It's not true." I disagreed furiously, glaring into his unfocused eyes. "It's not. Not to anyone who knows you. I would gladly give my life for yours – or Fives, or Kix, or any other soldier, so don't you say that."

He said nothing, face incomprehensible as he stared ahead intently. Satisfied, I went back to work trying to replace the wiring as quickly as I could, trying not to think about the fact that I just told him I was willing to die for him.

I moved back with a triumphant huff as the droid finally buzzed to life. It stood slowly, then began scanning me before I redirected it. "That's the patient," I said, pointing at Rex. "Blaster wound and suspected hibernation sickness."

"Understood. I will begin scanning the patient and then select the best possible treatment." With that it forced him to lay down on the cot, then beginning its scans.

I got up and put away the tools and scrap parts before making my way to the door, figuring I'd check on Flopsy and the ship while the droid worked on Rex.

"Commander?" His voice stopped me just before I made it out of the room, and I leaned back in to respond to him.

"Yes, captain?"

"For what it's worth, I'd give my life for yours as well, sir." A small smile graced my lips at this, and I bowed my head to him respectfully, even though he couldn't see it.

"It's worth a lot more than you know, captain. Now rest up, I'll check in on you later." Finally, I managed to make my exit, thinking about his words on my way to the cockpit.

It's Rex, he'd sacrifice himself for any innocent. It doesn't mean anything special. It's just Rex being Rex. I knew this to be true, and yet I could not stop the flaming blush from reaching my cheeks or the nervous flipping of my stomach. He hadn't even done anything out of the ordinary for him and yet he had reduced me to a jittery mess.

Stars help me. I was screwed.

***

After checking that everything with the ship was doing fine, I switched on the ship's comm, switching to my desired channel.

"Nim, I'm glad to see you." Kix's image appeared in front of me, and his smile set me at ease. "Any luck with the info on Captain Rex?"

I nodded at him, anxieties rising to the surface as I thought about the state of the injured captain. "Yes, I have him, but he has hibernation sickness, and the kriffing nerf herder that stuck him in carbonite shot him first and I don't have any bacta to patch him with. I've activated the med-droid, but I don't know how much it can do with the little I have onboard, kriff, Kix why haven't you taught me more first aid skills?"

"Woah, Nim, calm down!" He laughed at my panic which only aggravated me farther.

"This isn't funny! It's your captain's life on the line." I crossed my arms at Kix with a small frown.

"Sorry Nim, I'm not laughing at you it's just... Take a breath." He smiled at me, and I lost my frown immediately, unable to stay angry with him. "Rex will be fine. Everything went smoothly on our end, and we have General Skywalker. We're making our way to the rendezvous coordinates and once we meet you there, I will personally make sure Rex has enough bacta to last him a lifetime."

I gave him a small appreciative smile, feeling much calmer than before. "Well, I'm enroute to you now so, I'll see you soon, I guess. You're certain he'll be alright until then?"

"Trust me, the captain's been through worse."

"Thanks, Kix."

"Not a problem Nimra."

***

I traded off Rex to Kix when I arrived at the hangar bay, then quickly made my way to where I knew I would find Anakin, on the bridge. “Nim!” Anakin squeezed my shoulder, giving me a warm smile as he greeted me, Ahsoka by his side. “Thank you for holding the fort while I was gone.”

“Of course, Master.” I returned his smile, relieved to see him back and completely unharmed.

“You know better than to call me that, Nim. How is Rex?”

“Well, he had a minor blaster wound, and he has hibernation sickness from the carbonite the bounty hunter stuck him in. Kix said he should be fine, but I’m going to go check on him in med-bay now. See how he’s enjoying his stay there.” I grinned devilishly. “You know how much he enjoys being stuck in bed rest.” Anakin gave a laugh at this, nodding.

“Alright, sounds good. Leave some teasing for me, I’ll come down once I’m done here.” I nodded at him and shared a quick smile with Ahsoka before heading back down to the med-bay. A small gaggle of clones, including Echo and Fives, were leaving the area as I was entering, no doubt having just been there to welcome back their devoted captain.

I smiled as I entered, taking in Rex’s familiar form on one of the cots near the wall. He was fast asleep. I drew closer, Kix immediately coming to join me, holo-pad in his hand. “How is he?”

“Resting. I’ve treated his blaster wound and giving him medicine for the carbon fever. He’ll be up and running by tomorrow.” Kix drew a chair and gestured to it. “Sit.”

“I’m fine Kix, injury free.” At his disapproving face I took a seat, frowning right back up at him.

“Yeah, I know.” He thrusted a ration bar in my face. “Eat.”

I rolled my eyes, taking a bite ruefully, trying not to show how hungry I really was. “Fine. But give me your holo-pad, I’m not going to sit here with nothing to do.” Kix grinned at this, handing it over before returning to one of his other patients. I finished the bar before taking turns working on my mission report and stealing glances and Rex’s unconscious form.

***

Voices reached me through a haze. I knew my eyes were closed but I was too tired to open them yet, reveling in the warmth of sleep that hadn’t come to me in so long.

"I don't think she's slept since you two went missing sir. I've never seen her like that before. She oversaw everything, made sure everyone was okay, but I don't think she was resting or eating right. I tried my best to keep an eye on her."

"Thank you, Kix."

"Of course, General." I heard Kix’s footfalls as he walked away, and slowly cracked my eyes open to see Anakin standing there, giving me an all to knowing look.

“I’m just – I just wanted to make sure he didn’t die on my watch.” I tried to ignore his smug look.

“Sure. Whatever you say.” He chuckled, patted me on the back, then left before I could protest whatever assumptions he was making in his head.

I adjusted myself in the uncomfortable chair, pulling out my holo-pad to continue filling out the report but ended up staring ahead, falling into my thoughts. I had befriended the members of this battalion so easily, we got along so well, but was I growing too attached? Was my connection to these clones affecting my judgement? Was it leading to something that might be wrong?

"Commander?" A voice jolted me out of my stupor, and I looked down to see Rex looking at me tiredly with a slightly surprised expression at seeing me there.

"Rex! I'm glad you're finally up – and you can see me!” I hated the way relief so heavily coloured my voice. Did I truly sound so desperate or was it just in my head? Feeling the need to say something lest I get consumed by my thoughts, I gave Rex my best winning smile, holding up my holo-pad. "I don't suppose you want to help me fill in my mission report?"

"I can assume you've only filled in your name and about half a sentence?" He raised a brow at me quizzically.

"That would be a safe assumption, yes. Although come to think of it, I may have forgotten to sign my name." I grinned widely at him.

He groaned as he sat himself up in bed, favouring his injured side as he moved. "I'm gonna need more pain meds." He half-joked.

"Can I pawn some off you?" At his dubious expression I raised my hands in mock surrender. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding... I can just get them off Kix, eliminate the middleman and all that." I laughed at his expression, my amusement subsiding as he became serious, holding my gaze.

“Thank you.” He said earnestly. “For coming for me.”

“You would do the same for me.” I gave him a serious nod before reverting back to sarcasm. “And if you really want to thank me you can help me fill out my report.”