#why do i always ramble on so much gdi

[jtl07]

Genre: Historical romance

Location: Ocean

Object: a 2024 Volkswagen Golf GTI

i WILL break shenanigans

GDI NO YOU WON'T !!!!! we're all very mature and not at all stubborn here lol <3 i know nothing of historical fiction so forgive me for the meandering opening, but also thank you for helping me stretch and try new things and i will stop rambling now okbye

Beautiful, is what Beatrice thinks as she watches the sun set over the water, the ocean welcoming the gold into its arms. It's not the first time she's thought it, here; but it was the first time she'd thought it- here, at this shore, watching a sunset like this one, listening to the world quiet and soften into evening.

But unlike that time, the person who'd taught her to see it, who'd challenged so much of what she'd been taught, what she thought she knew - about life, about living, about love - isn't here.

Beatrice isn't surprised - she's not even disappointed. Resigned, yes. To a fate that she's known since she was young: a duty to her family, to her title, to a legacy larger than she. She knows all the reasons why she must leave. And yet. She finds herself lingering. Lingering until the sun's last gasp of light disappears from the horizon. Until gold gives way to darkness.

Beatrice gets to her feet, brushes the sand from her suit, the same one she'd worn when Ava had laughed and pulled her into the waves of this very same beach, a night that seems like years ago instead of days; Ava had laughed that laugh that always leaves Beatrice entranced, had danced and pulled her in close, had cupped her face and looked at Beatrice's lips when she'd called her handsome.

Beatrice sighs, coaxes the memory of that night into the back of her mind as gently as she can. Locks it away. It won't do to remember, now. Not when the morning after that night she'd been greeted by the news of her father's death and her family's summons back home.

She straightens. Nods to herself. She's wasted too much time. This - the silence, the dark, the loneliness creeping back into her heart - is her sign. She's waited (hoped, dreamed) long enough.

Beatrice turns from the ocean. In the morning, she'll wake before dawn and board the ship that will take her home, and she'll leave this Beatrice behind. The Beatrice that knew Ava; the Beatrice that loved Ava, here.

A sound too sharp to be the crashing of waves grabs Beatrice's attention. She's reminded suddenly that is alone and unarmed.

The sound grows. She sets her stance.

A flash of eerie blue light appears, splitting the space in front of her, a hole ripped through the air. Through it appears a contraption Beatrice has never seen before, a carriage of metal, roaring like some mechanical wild animal, and Beatrice has to jump back to avoid getting run over as it leaps through through the air and lands, sliding wildly on the sand.

Just as abruptly as it appeared, the light disappears. Leaving Beatrice and the machine, stuttering, grumbling, shaking. Finally, it too stills.

Then -

"Beatrice!"

Her arms are full before she even registers fully who it is. Not that Beatrice had to guess - there's only one person in the world who would throw themselves into Beatrice's arms this way, who burrows into her neck this way, who trusts her this way.

"Ava," she breathes (a miracle, a sign). Holds her closer.

"Oh my god, Bea, you're alive, Bea," Ava chokes out as she pulls back just enough to hold Beatrice's face in her hands. "You're still alive, thank god."

"Of course I'm alive," Beatrice says slowly. Feels her confusion grow as she takes in Ava fully: the terror and relief carved deep onto her face; the cut of her hair, shorter than it was just a day ago; clothes Beatrice has never seen on her before, of a style she's never seen ever. "Ava, what's happened? What is all this -" she runs her palms along the stiff fabric of her jacket; gestures to the machine over Ava's shoulder "- what is that?"

"It's a time travel machine," Ava answers without ever looking away from Beatrice. "I had to help Dr. Salvius make it. We tried to get a DeLorean but apparently something about the 2024 Volkswagen Golf GTI - not the 2023, that one almost blew us up - makes it work just as well -"

"Ava, I don't think I understood half the words that just came out of your mouth."

"Right." Ava shakes herself. Starts again. "The thing that matters is that Dr. Salvius was able to make it work, see? I'm here, now." Ava smiles, victorious. But just as quickly, her expression turns serious and her hands move from Beatrice's face to her shoulders. "Bea. You can't get on that ship."

Beatrice sighs. She doesn't want to spend their last night together rehashing the same argument they've had for nearly a week now. "Ava, please -"

"No, I mean it, Bea."

"- let's not do this now -"

"- there's going to be a terrible storm -"

"- storms happen all the time at sea -"

"- this one will be different, Bea!" The tremor in Ava's voice makes Beatrice pause; it's the horror in Ava's eyes that makes Beatrice uncertain. "The whole ship will go down," Ava says, eyes distant, voice quiet and uninflected. "No one will survive."

Beatrice swallows. Tries for logic. "You can't possibly know that -"

"I do! I saw it!" Ava's hands tighten to a painful degree but Beatrice lets her holds on, knows Ava needs it by the way her whole body shakes. "I saw you dead. We had a funeral and it was beautiful and you were dead. Beatrice -" Ava slumps forward and Beatrice shifts instantly to catch her, leads them both gently to kneel on the sand. Feels Ava's hands clutch at her as she sobs into Beatrice's chest. "Please, Beatrice. Don't make me go through that. Not again."

Beatrice hums at her softly, holds her close. She's unable to truly comprehend all of what Ava's said in the last few minutes, but Beatrice understands this: the desperation that's taken hold of Ava, the lies she's promised to never tell.

She fits the words together, plays them back as facts. Thinks of the ship, thinks of the life she's never really wanted.

So when Ava's sniffles start to settle, Beatrice pitches her voice low and asks, "What would you have me do?"

Beatrice feels Ava lift her head, finds herself looking into eyes shining from tears grieving a woman still alive; from the wonder of being believed. Ava glances over their shoulders to the machine - the time travel machine - behind them. She shifts onto her knees, takes Beatrice's hand between her own. Takes in a deep breath and says: "Come with me.

"We could go anywhere, any place, at any time - any year. We could go to the Alps and actually talk to those novelists you're always saying you'd like a word with. We could go to the future and dance and drink - anything you'd like. Anywhere.

"Would you?" Ava asks, faltering slightly.

Beatrice looks over at the machine, almost glowing in the darkness that's settled around them. Hears the waves crashing steady onto the shore. Hears the breath Ava takes in and holds; recognizes the sound of hope.

Beatrice sifts through the information Ava has laid at her feet. "You said the ship was destroyed in the storm?"

Ava nods. "Yes. There were no survivors." A helpless look passes over her face, travels down to her shoulders as a shrug. "Yours was one of the few bodies they were able to recover."

"And all of those who were never found were assumed dead." A multitude of scenarios play out simultaneously in Beatrice's mind, a web of ifs and thens, of futures suddenly possible. "So even if they didn't find my body -" feels Ava's hands tighten around hers and knows Ava's following the thread.

Beatrice takes in a breath and holds it just as Ava did, the way Ava has taught her. She looks into Ava's eyes, shining with the same hope she knows is in her own. "Ask me again."

A smile is already growing on Ava's face. "Beatrice," she says, breathless at first, then strengthening with every word. "If I left, would you come with me?"

The words are barely out of Ava's mouth before Beatrice has hers there in answer. "Yes," Beatrice says into the kiss, smiling into Ava's lips, "Yes, I would." Kisses her again and holds her close. "I will."

[suggers-got-dingled]

You're such a #MOOD this fandoms a mess I don't blame u for staying away honestly tho I'm like if ppl have the energy to be This Crazy™ and waste their energy over FICITON and something u can't control it's a soap ! It's so true tho I have kinda outgrown the extreme side of fandom like Robrons cute n all but when RL hits and real world problems you realise it's not worth affecting your life over it cos one day it's gonna end either by the show or you growing out of fandom

rip I was being a dramatic ass hormonal bitch the other day lmao but I am with you on the outgrowing that side of fandom thing! I feel like it’s naturally fizzled out over the past few months and my detachment to the intensely impassioned side of it has almost completely disappeared (whether this is a good or bad thing idk but it’s nice to not revolve your entire life around it, maybe when there’s a robron storyline I’m totally invested in instead of just slightly invested in, I might get my zest back who knows??!)

like I used to involve myself in and comment on every single little thing but now I just... don’t, bc I just can’t be bothered using the last bit of strength I have and I’m not particularly bothered about being so hung up on negative facets of fiction that it starts to affect your regular life (if 2017 taught me anything it was this lmao and plus I’m getting on a bit now I wanna try and step back from the overdramatics and regain a non-emmerdale fixated life even if it will follow me around til the day I die 😂)

I do totally get where people are coming from, everyone has different opinions and some will have different personal takes on the matter because of their own formative experiences! & I’m not saying people aren’t allowed to express these views and concerns because they have every right to and boy are there a lot of them! I have plenty of my own but I just don’t have it in me to go there when the topic in question is a soap - people want the absolute logically and morally correct outcome but to be completely honest, when do soap operas ever do the completely right non-problematic thing??

it’s not even that I’m not enjoying it, it’s just that I don’t particularly enjoy what inevitably comes with it like the heated discussions and targeted confrontations and aggressive clash of opinions (my anxiety doesn’t deal well with that lol i’d rather watch an hour of daz than be caught up in that and that’s saying something) 

but yeah I actually am loving the nitty gritty drama in the show and the way they’ve managed to balance it out as a whole! casting the wedding aside I’m being totally hypocritical saying I’m not invested when 4 weeks later I’m still squealing over that day but shh it was meant to be a fanbaiting fluffy one off to bask in when times get rough soaps are there for you to get joy and heartbreak and emotionally compromising exasperation out of messy af drama, they’re renown for that and I’ve grown up with that and it’s literally just a part of british culture! 

for now, though, I definitely think I will just be embracing that in my own time and company until it’s back to being calm and rational (lol is it ever?!?!), until I’m in one of my moods and get the urge to speak out bc something really irks me AND until the next stumbling block hits and I fall into the trap once again lmaooo

[kkultokkie]

i just want to take a 50 year long nap

[nighttimepixels]

TALK TO US ABOUT MASS EFFECT I HAVE BEEN AN INSANE MASS EFFECT/SHAKARIAN TRASH PERSON SINCE 20-FUCKING-11 AND LEMME TELL YOU THOSE FEELINGS HAVENOT TARNISHED A SINGLE FRACTION IN THOSE TEN YEARS OH MY GOOOOOOODDDSSSS!!!!!!!

I DEMAND A PLAY-BY-PLAY UP TO THE MINUTE OF YOUR REACTIONS TO EVERYTHING!!!!

you are so valid and I totally see why everyone I've ever mentioned it to loves the hell out of it

aksdjlsdfj I meannnn if you want to hear my rambling about it then hell yeah

Okay, gonna put this below the cut to save everyone else XD also- since I'm not leaving this Mass Effect obsession anytime soon, if you're not interested in seeing occasional posts about it, please feel free to block the tag "night plays ME"~

(mild spoilers ahead??)

((also for real I mean it when I say this is rambling as hell lol, apologies and no stress if absolute no one reads all this))

OKAY SO Mass Effect 1-

Stars help me, I was honestly hooked right from the start?? Like even in Legendary Edition (the combined trilogy just re-released in one "can play it on one system + minor improvements", for anyone who doesn't know) where it's smoothed out, of course it's obvious that ME1 is a decade old... but the foundation for these relationships are all there and gods I love them already.

Like - Kaiden right off the top is a delightful good fightin lad, what the hell. I've heard that he's viewed as 'bland' by a good portion of the fan community but I dunno, he's a delight and even more complex by the time 2 rolls around and you encounter him on Horizon, it was honestly Ashley I was way more meh about - mostly because before you can learn about her family history/etc, she comes off as hella xenophobic and I was immediately offended for my growing space family that she didn't like/trust all the aliens around, pfff.

(she gets redeemed a bit through further actions/evolving thoughts, but I thought in retrospect it was a bummer that they didn't flip the order there, give her a chance to be liked before the complicating factor of being so rude about aliens >:c that then she could grow from... ah well. Apparently she has a good arc but uh, let's just say I chose Kaiden at the "key junction" in the latter part of the game so I won't be seeing anymore of Ashley uh... anytime soon, haha.)

Garrus??? Is??????? The ABSOLUTE best???????????

I liked him from the start, I'm always a bit of a sucker for a rogue-detective "the system won't bring this bastard to justice, so I've got to" type and all their moral shadiness XD But he just gets better, honestly, and where I'm at in ME2 (right before the Reaper IFF mission, as of typing this, with everyone's loyalty!) I am only digging myself deeper into this hole-

-*wheezing* okay anyways -

Wrex is AMAZING I love fightin' middle-aged krogan bastard, gods. Liara is great too, I'm a sucker for a wlw relationship (playing fem!Shepard, so) - buuuut I'll admit she's a bit more one-note in ME1. Last week while I was still on ME1 I remember hearing (while trying to dodge spoilers) that her arc is really good, though. I think they leaned a little hard on the 'innocent but sexy' sterteotype on her (so despite the yikes aspect of a few of the things I've learned in ME2, lol, I actually really like the complexity that's been added to her character.)

Saved Liara first, so by the time I got to Noveria and had the standoff with Benezia there was the chance to have emotions over Liara having to face her TwT and of course, I made the questionable but quality decision to free Queen Rachni heheh. no ragrets

More than a blow-by-blow of my choices though I totally wanna take the chance to say that even in the mild jankiness of ME1 (goddammit, the Mako.... please..... please just go up this impossible cliff I just want to resource hunt-) the way that the lore, both obvious/key to main plot and the lesser/filler/background/world-building kinds... I just love it. It incorporates it well, you can go ham in the codex learning more, or just dive into the basics - it's clearly a complex galaxy (and they do an even better job in 2 of fleshing it out further), and it never really felt overwhelming. It was pretty natural figuring it all out-!

Plus the interesting implications of resource hunting amongst the sapient races, and the little side missions you better bet I did every one of- there's so much rich depth in the story if you do 'em!! (And that lead with that Keeper side mission...? Looking back, damn, clever foreshadowing-!!!)

And oh my gods, Ilios??? hell yeah. I loved that mission so much, especially having Garrus & Kaiden with me when talking to the hologram/computer, and more than anything, that last sprint in the Mako trying to get to the jump before it closed-???

yeet the boi-

Also mannn I love a good setpiece, and having to go up the side of the elevator, space-side?? such a cool setup!!

Plus it felt good having been Paragon enough (as simple as the good v bad vibe system is, I don't hate it, lol) to avoid one of the Saren fights, ngl. And the er, "second fight" with Sovereign-Saren.... hell yeah

... I'll admit I had to double check my choice re whether to save the Council. I did in the end, but I swear, sometimes the way they phrase things I'm like ".... okay but Garrus is right, defeating Sovereign is more important than these few leaders??????" woops. Listen, priorities, is all I'm saying..... (￣ヮ￣|||)ゞ

'Course later they emphasize (in ME2) that there were 10,000 people on that same ship and I was like well I wouldn't have second guessed if I'd known that, I mean c'mon-

Also I did indeed romance Liara in this one, so I got that scene ;Dc But,,,, I also knew by the end that I was totally gonna romance Garrus in 2 since he's an option then finally,,,,, lemme tell you the guilt as I waffled over whether to romance Liara bc of it. hahaha.

Aaaaand Mass Effect 2-

So I'm only up to right before the Reaper IFF Mission, so I don't know the ending, etc etc lol. That said, I've just finished every side mission I've found with the exception of the Shadowbroker Quest and the Arrival Quest (I've heard the latter basically leads into ME3, and the former is best either right before the Omega 4 jump or in postgame).

So from the start - fuck yeah fuck yeah what a high adrenaline start Shepard noooooo but also yes save Joker aH-

The motion comic too hot damn nice job

I loved this setup, seriously - especially forcing Shep into this situation, having to work with/for Cerberus, and the compelling reasoning given behind "why" they do what they do (I especially found it a good point that the Salarians have the Task Force, the Asaris the Commandos, the Turians the- etc... like, true, when you put it like that, having a similar group advancing human interests/solving human interstellar problems is pretty reasonable...). That said, I love too that it really isn't shied away from how Cerberus is nonetheless fucked up - or its at least done fucked up stuff.

Listen, I still think some messed up stuff is gonna be revealed in 2's endgame......... after that Horizon mission and the Collector's ship???? TIM I SEE YOU YOU SHADY MF-

aaanyways lol...

I'm so so glad on a gameplay level they nixed the Mako style exploration. A few Hammerhead missions are fine and a lot more focused than the slippery ass navigation in that glorified ATV, pfff. The probes are a neat way of getting after similar resources - and more importantly, having good levels and some good hubs (the Zakera Wards, Omega, Ilium, etc) is way way more fun than having a more 'sprawling' space that is.... a lot of empty nonsense, lol.

Then there's the fact that we get Joker right off the bat and you can interact with him so much - and him and EDI??? Get out gods I love them. Kasumi is so right when she says they sound like a bickering old married couple lol. I have a terrible feeling that some shit is gonna happen with EDI..... but I don't think she's evil as-is, at least.

Side-eying the hell out of those "access forbidden" parts of her that she doesn't even know.... and the fact that her AI core has a locked door access................... something's gonna happen gdi LEAVE OUR ADOPTED AI ALONE.

(Also Joker pls stop fracturing your thumb on the mute button)

Also please save me there are so many hot aliens in this game,,,,, the xeno/monsterfuckers really comin' through strong in the sequels............... doin' the lord's work........................................

In general, I love how many levels ME stepped up in two with complexity and interwoven narratives!! Like, to the point it'd be almost a drag to replay ME1, even though it was fun going through it (if occasionally a bit tedious with the cookie cutter rando planet science/mine facilities, lol). Like, just from how fun and interesting ME2 is, mostly! more of all the pre-introduced races, plus new ones, plus more filling in of intragalactic politics, and more interesting implications of all these space-faring races mixing....

Also gods WREX and his planet holy shit,,,,, fuckin' hell yeah my man get their shit together and also adopt Grunt yes good-

And Mordin??? My singing semi-evil scientist best friend forced to confront his choices more than he thought he ever would have???? With some of the best ongoing general report chatter of all the companions??

(when I tell you I choked on my coffee when I talked to him after confirming romance choice w/ Garrus and that 'pamphlet' and 'anaphalactic shot if ingesting-' kajsldkfjsldfjk)

Like, fuck, the fact that they actually dive into the mixed morality and horrors of the genophage, and you can confront Mordin on it, for good reason, yet he still stands his ground, until finally some bits of his loyalty mission seem to... affect him, and I'm guessing might set up things for 3 with him? Unsure, but either way, damn, the fact that they start to dig into it...

And Taliiiii my beloved forbidden alien wife TwT her loyalty mission was SO GOOD. I love how varied they all are?? Getting to defend her and discover what she'd unwittingly been a part of-!!

Zaeed is a bastard but tbh I love that he is and that he's unapologetic in him - and Kasumi omg, best thief. A heist?? Gods, yes- I love our couch lounge chats XD

Samara is..... illegally.......... she's an illegally powerful and beautiful and eloquent MILF...........................

(.... listen I'm sapphic as hell and I'm kicking my own ass for picking her up last aksjdlfksjdfl - but her loyalty mission, damn. And seeing how there's this interesting cultural subset, and the struggle with the Asari in that they unquestioningly accept/respect justicars, but also know that the impact outside their culture is a diplomacy nightmare waiting to happen-)

,.,,,,,T,,, Thane,,,,,

I am weak for morally implicated murder dads okay?? And that voice??? His mannerisms?????? How you first see him, and that prayer after assassinating her...???????? And his history/his people's history with the hanar, gods I love how messy it is, it feels so much more real!

Also Jack is a mess and I love her (and want to get her some therapy, omg), and her and Miranda nearly duking it out after you've done both their loyalty missions??? so good and makes a lot of sense-! Honestly I would love more interactions between teammates on the ship, but there's already so much the devs had to balance I can't blame 'em for minimizing, heh. But suffice to say I also love Miranda and Jacob, even if I'm softest for my alien crew XD Hell yeah Jacob, we'll get loud and spill drinks on the citadel indeed TwT

.... I could write a whole essay on how much I love Garrus oTL Perhaps because he and Tali are the throughlines from 1 on your 2 crew, I have some of the strongest feelings about them... but genuinely, he was one of my favorite companions in the first game, and how you find him as Archangel in two? Getting to help him fight his way out after he's gone nearly 48 hours straight fighting off three gangs alone, jfc. His vengeance quest and what can happen there.... That line? fuck me, that line -

It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Grey? I don't know what to do with gray...

How DARE you come for my heart like this, devs holy shit

(also, some other choice faves so far from the series from him include We can disobey suicidal orders?? and This wasn't in my training manual... [in 1, if you have him with you @ th Thorian fight] and his whole.... pop the heat sink - in his romance ;Dc)

asdasdfksadjfkl like I said I can write an essay on him PFFF suffice to say I'm very looking forward to his romance scene and where things go in 3

But yeah gods I'm just gonna keep rambling if I'm not careful lol. Gods I don't even know what to talk about it's all so good and while I can understand people roasting the obviousness of Paragon V Renegade (v neutral) choices/alignments, I think they do a pretty damn good job in 2 of pushing it further - to the point that there were some times that I accidentally got renegade points and I wasn't that mad, haha. There's so much fun in the interactions that I just have a good time anyways~

I have so many thoughts about TIM (The Illusive Man) and Cerberus.... theories evolving galore............... and like, what the hell!! Omega 4 going to the center of the galaxy is such a cool twist, goddamn - though my heart still breaks at losing Kaiden (his line if you haven't romanced him?? about feeling like he lost a limb when he lost you??? holy shit.... but I also can't blame him for not trusting Cerberus to the point of it affecting his ability to trust Shepard... like fuck Shep go after himmmm) I'm really excited to see where that goes since he comes back in 3, and what the fuck happens with Cerberus bc while I love the fact that obviously there are a lot of people in it for the right reasons, doing good work, there are those that are doing the opposite, and I have a very bad feeling about where TIM will end up landing....

All that said though I need to do the Reaper IFF mission (where I'm lightly spoiled as to getting That Boy, but not how/what happens to make it so - just that it's apparently wise to have all your side missions done before getting him...) and the actual Omega 4 jump. So we'll see what happens and what I think about it from there heheh!

.... major kudos and genuine props if you made it here to the end, I am so sorry for not editing on condensing all this, and appreciate you so much ;w;

[candiliam328]

So um… pianist Five, huh?

Hey, @kakakuroo? Remember that playlist? The one with the classical pieces I think Five should play?

Um, I made it... 

and um, it’s about 40 minutes long (sorry). Highkey, it was originally longer, but then, I decided to focus on pieces that I think would resonate with our current Five as the pianist playing them.

But... oops I made myself sad.

Note: I said “our current” Five and yes, that means our post-season 2 Five.

(….. interestingly enough, I do have a few pieces in mind for pre-apocalypse, actually 13-year-old Five and some pieces for apocalypse Five....)

These aren’t even pieces that I think would actually play in the context of the show (yes, I have pieces for that too), but really, just pieces that I think Five would vibe with *as the pianist playing them.*

Now, a warning: I’m about to go on a whole thing about why I think this is the case, so if you don’t want to be bothered with me blabbing in depth about music and unnecessarily projecting onto a fictional character, don’t click keep reading…..  

OK, HERE WE GO

(Special shoutout goes to @disco-tea​ for letting me ramble about this with her for literal weeks)

Full disclaimer: I am NOT a music major nor do I claim to be super knowledgeable in music theory. This is just my personal take and experience and LOL I’m just a (barely) pianist with enough knowledge of music theory and composers to shitpost about them occasionally and apparently a lot of emotions about pianist!five (lol).

So, yeah, UM ANY ACTUAL MUSICIANS PLEASE DISREGARD THIS ENTIRE POST OMG – I’M ASHAMED.

ANYWAY --

Most of the pieces I included are by Chopin.

Bit of background: Frederic Chopin was a Polish composer of the Romantic era and a virtuosic pianist. At the core of his artistic process was improvisation and his pieces are known for their lyrical quality. The way his pieces are written allows for a lot of interpretation from the pianist performing the pieces.

But what do we mean by interpretation?

… oof um, where do I even start…

Okay, so each musician and in fact, each performance of a musician has a different interpretation, a different feeling if you will. There’s a certain level of flexibility in how you perform any piece and there’s a fine line each performer has to walk between being respectful to the source material and adding your own kind of flavor.

But what does that sound like? For pianists in particular, we’ll play around with articulation, phrasing, dynamics, pedaling, and (most importantly for this post) rubato.

Chopin pieces tend to be played with a lot of rubato.

Now, what’s that? Well, to be honest with you, in my head, rubato has always been a fancy term for “messing around with the rhythm of the piece.” There are some pieces for which you absolutely cannot do this (like a march, where you need to keep constant time), but remember, Chopin was a fan of improvisation, so he always had a “go with the flow” kind of thing going.

Rubato means you can stretch some beats and speed through others – it allows you to build suspense and breathe some life into your piece. That way, it’s not boring for the audience and it gets you invested as the pianist. 

Speaking from experience, some pieces require you to be vulnerable as the pianist playing them. These pieces that utilize tons of rubato? They practically demand it. You have to pour a little bit of yourself into them and allow yourself to feel the piece and get in your head a little to do justice to the notes the composer wrote. Inherently, each time you play the piece, your performance will be different and will sound different. You know the journey the piece is going to take you on, but not even you know exactly how your piece is going to sound -- it’s all about how you feel in the moment.

(And yeah, that’s why all the videos in the playlist show you the actual pianist playing the pieces -- sorry, I tried to find versions that had the least amount of coughing and clapping, but… live performances *shrugs*. It’s important for the sake of this (long-ass) analysis that you realize there is an actual person behind the music, feeling the notes and sharing themselves with you through the music.)

Now, I’m here to tell you that it can be incredibly therapeutic to play these pieces alone. For no one else. Just you and the piano. You can be feeling all these emotions and you can pour them into these gorgeous pieces and you can hear the emotions as well. Yeah, and remember that fine line I talked about for interpretation? That’s out the window. You’re just playing for you. You can stretch out this measure for as long as you want or you can rush through this run as much as you feel. You are completely free to manipulate this piece to how you feel in that moment and just play your feelings out. And it’s amazing.

 ...

And yup, all that brings us to our favorite time-traveling assassin.

Post-season 2 Five... um… he’s had a rough few days to say the least.

He was so close to getting his siblings safe back in their timeline, but he just… can’t… seem… to… do… it… right.

He’s been on edge for so long now that he seems kind of... weary?

What was it the old man said?

“I’m too tired.”

Anyway, there’s… emotions. He’s got a lot of them.

But he’s shit at being able to express himself non-violently, especially when the emotion isn’t anger. (and whenever he has tried to be vulnerable, it hasn't necessarily ended well...)

He needs another outlet. One that forces him to be vulnerable and honest with himself.

Enter: The piano. And these beautiful pieces with tons of room for rubato and self-expression.

(Let the man feel his feelings and play his heart out gdi.)

Now, if all I cared about was room for rubato, I could have chosen from a billion other pieces. So why would Five vibe with these ones in particular?

Well, I’m not going to use any musical terminology, because that’s not what matters here. I’m talking about the journey the pieces take you on as a pianist and as a listener. Give it a real close listen. 

None of these pieces feel like they’ve “arrived.” 

None of them feel “grounded” or “settled.” 

They’re all kind of wandering… yearning for something possibly beyond their reach. 

(Perhaps a desire to relive the past. Perhaps an unattainable dream.)

So, yeah, if I had to name the vibe, I would call it “longing”… but maybe with a twinge of “resignation.”

For 45 years, Five was wandering about in the apocalypse, longing to return home. His primary motivator became to return to his family and to go home. To keep them safe. Maybe even settle down.

And this hasn’t changed for the entirety of the series.

…

But what can he even call his home now?

And will he ever be able to rest?

[icharchivist]

Hmm just thinking about how different Paasan is...

He is super prickly in Four Knights of a Fallen Kingdom, which does show how much he's changed now (like that scene in SIEGFRIED where he's soothing Arthur and Mordred, soft-)

yeah!! yeah!!

I mean he was always rather good with kids (the way he's a bit harsher with them later on is more because they're knights in training and he treats them as such - and while harsh what he told them was that there wasn't any use in constantly blaming themselves and that they should instead put their energy into finding solutions, which is also just a way to remove that burden from their shoulders) so it's actually really similar, his introduction in his FE is completely based around him soothing kids LDKFJLDKFJFD

but he is less prickly and i am glad it is felt even though you don't know all the reasons why he's prickly or why he changed ahah

he struggled with a lot of things when he joined the cast, mainly the fact he had difficulties to trust, and he kept doing things on his own because of that. in 4KOAFK he's like that still, i still remember how he's constantly trying to protect his vassals from fights like "i can handle it so stay back" like sir we joined to help you out let us help you out gdi-

but he changed a lot, especially when it comes to the fellow dragon knights. Not only they got to solve the past issues that caused such a gap between them, but they've rebuilt, been there when things were more complicated, this time didn't leave him ect...

i'd love to actually ramble about it but you're so close to BFAF this would be so sad for me to spoil more than i already did ahah

but yeah i think the thing is that Percival is much more of a softie and much more emotionally vulnerable than what meets the eye. The way he carries himself to the world, to the knights, to his brothers, and to MC are all extremely different, and to MC it changed a lot with time as well.

Obviously once learning the motivations behind his character- why he is the way he is, you may end up having more of an understanding of why he is like this

and anyway i love him very much and i'll start crying now so see ya

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

this is an outta nowhere question but what are your thoughts on Joker in Smash about a year since he was added? I've heard some folks say the reason the Persona fandom got so toxic is bc Smash got involved and I wanted to know what you thought since you've been in it way longer than P5 and Joker in Smash

Short answer: Yes AND No. 

Long answer (it’s me of course it’s gonna be under the cut due to length 8U):

I’mma be honest, there’s always toxic fans. I know Smash Fans (and Nintendo fans in general) haven’t exactly been peaches, esp when it comes to Twitter (which I think is also an issue atm). But there were toxic fans before than and there’ll be toxic fans later. It’s just life tbh. (dunno where to put this but I’ll put it here: Twitter nowadays is like 2012-2015ish Tumblr, different being Tumblr was a bit more hiveminded and if you disagreed with a popular fandom opinion you.....were kinda bullied let’s be honest so no one could really say their opinions. While Twitter now it’s not a hivemind but instead two sided extremist that you need to choose. Both toxic and similar but just a taaaaad bit different, I’d probs take the two extremist sides over the hivemind if I had to chose tho...even tho Tumblr had better content during that era than Twitter right now imo but that’s in general and not Persona only. 8U Tumblr’s REALLY calmed down since the porn ban I’m not gonna lie, and ironically that’s roughly around the time that Twitter started getting shitty. So like....kinda saying there’s a correlation, I think a lot of toxic tumblr people probably migrated to twitter, and while there’s toxic fans everywhere it feels like a lot gather on Twitter so it really highlights the fandom there sadly). 

From my experience (which is from P4 PS2 era onward, I missed the pre-P4 P3 PS2 era stuff but apparently there were waifu wars which from what I’ve found I probs would’ve just classified as “shipping war” stuff rather than waifu wars....and it seemed liked standard shipping war stuff from back then), the bigger a fandom grows the more fans it obviously attracts, but that also means more toxic fans too. And that’s why I say yes and no for the smash community, yes because they did attract more fans (and their community seems to be a bit toxic atm, like I get expressing your wants to a company and I support that! but the INSTANT you don’t get a specific character announced for the fighter pass and instead of just being like “oh golly darn :(” but instead “***** this place ***** Nintendo you all suck ****** *slur* *slur*” yeah no that’s a little....you gotta take a step back buddy, so yeah I’m sure there’s a bit more toxic fans in that fandom atm but they are also a BIG ASS FANDOM so I’m not surprised), but it’s also just the cause and effect of the fandom getting bigger in general.

It happened when P4 got it’s anime (btw anime fans ya still valid and are a Persona fan, just keep in mind if you wanna talk lore just know you did watch a very abridged version of the game so be aware you might have somethings wrong cause of that.....cause I’ve seen it happen.....DX btw let’s play watchers are also real Persona fans and I’d say even people who just like Joker in Smash are at least Joker fans and that’s ok too enough gate keeping guys DX), it happened when we started getting spinoffs, kinda with the P3 movies (only really cause FeMC fans were salty or P3 fans upset what was cut/changed, but it wasn’t on any toxic level tbh just normal complaints, I think the fact it was a movie instead of an anime bypassed newer fans than with P4/5 animes), it happened when P5 solidified it into the mainstream gaming market (I’ll stand by P4 helped break Persona into it via all the other avenues of mainstream, with P5 finally latching the main series into mainstream games.....I say mainstream cause spinoffs are looking the same as pre mainstream which.....>.> *shrugs* could be better imo), it happened with P5′s anime, and it happened with Smash Bros. And tbh I’m sure it happened or will happen with the Steam community (and Switch/Xbox if it ever goes there too) and P4G (P4 fans go through the same cycle of BS constantly, most of which I believe originated with the anime generation, that it’s hard to tell if there was an uptick or not). And it’ll probs get an uptick again with P6, and then P6′s anime. And maybe manga cause maybe P6 fans like the P5 fans and won’t listen when people say “don’t get attached to the manga name it’s probs not gonna be used so hold off till the anime” but hey let’s have drama for no reason cause we need it. 8U (obvie you can still like the manga name, it’s more for people complaining about name changes or not getting why Atlus just didn’t keep the manga name even tho an explanation is probs within arm’s reach and they were warned beforehand)

*sighs* Sorry back on topic, each time the fandom grows so will toxic fans. Tbh I feel like the phrase “toxic fans” are thrown around a lot. And it’s esp used for only....”haters” it feels like and I don’t think that’s right (cause it can be fans too), it just feels like ANY negativity (even constructive and kept reigned in by certain users) is viewed as that. Like take me, I’m sure I’m probs labeled as a “toxic fan” due to be being a Megaten/Persona fan but disliking P5 and talking shit/calling it out. But I try my damnedest to do that in the appropriate places (ie my personal blog, maybe a confessions place, or a thread/board that’s expressing negatives only OR it’s explaining/expressing pros and cons type of stuff, I find that to be the best because it keeps people who want to vent away from people who want to gush so no war happens, not saying I am perfect or you HAVE to follow this or you are toxic, it’s what I decided to ascribe to and find it works well and good enough and it gives me a better fandom experience). Aka, I don’t go on twitter to someone’s fanart of Yukari or Makoto and trash the character because I’m not a freaking asshole (or in this case a ~toxic fan~). But this also applies to the “fans” as well who will talk about something they like (character/game) but the ONLY  way they can raise it up is by tearing down something else (other character/game), it’s really rude and also toxic as well. Negativity is not inherently bad all the time, and Positivity is not inherently good all the time (with positivity it’s more of giving yourself a break from it rather than saying something positive can be bad at times, tho I’m sure there are times that-that has happened but it’s 2:30 am and I don’t want to think of an example for that). It’s how it’s used/expressed. I see the Twitter community trying to combat the “negativity” by trying to only spread “positivity” and I’m afraid 1) any negative expression, even constructive, will be scorned (I guess I’m afraid of us going back to a hivemind mentality again), but most importantly 2) the people trying to head it are going to be burned out and it’ll hurt them mentally (I do not want it to happen obvie, but I know personally it can wear you down which is why I’m concerned). Don’t get me wrong I love what they are doing/trying to do, but I think we’re generalizing the word “negativity” and “positivity” a bit too much and it’s just raising a few red flags for me (I’m just hoping I’m being paranoid/overanalyzing in this case). 

Uhhh there was one last thing I wanted to address.....Oh yeah gate keeping. I know you asked about Smash but this stuff is kinda related and hey think of it as a history lesson for the Persona fandom (or at least Nusona cause I didn’t have a game system in the 90s ;_; plus wee little me wouldn’t have been able to find P1/2 fandoms back then due to me not really using the internet like I do nowadays till around P3 was probs released). Plus you know how long winded I am so this is kinda what you sign up for, 3 am ramblings of overexplaining~! But gdi I will try to cover all the bases and get my point across in....some fashion. 8U

But yeah, Gatekeeping in relation to the Smash fans, cause I see Persona fans shit on new fans that got into Persona through Smash (I know above I said Joker fans are valid Joker fans rather than Persona fans, but I’m assuming they’ve yet to play/watch Persona and are just aware of Joker and are a fan of him vs the fans who saw Joker and then watch/played the games to get into the fandom. One set is a fan of a character vs the other set got into a franchise because of said character. Like I wouldn’t say I’m a FE fan cause I liked Marth/Roy in SSBM, which is why I have that distinction myself BUT if you wanna call yourself a Persona fan that’s valid, you’re valid, it’s whatever, I don’t really care about the details that much, I just have two categories for convenience). Anyway I don’t think it’s fair to shit on them. Same as I don’t think it’s fair to shit on anime only or manga only fans. Or if they got into the fandom through Nusona (Oldsona is P1/2, Nusona is P3-5 atm). Or Oldsona. Or another Megaten game. 

Maybe it’s cause I came from P4, where it got shit on cause it wasn’t (”dark”) like P3, it wasn’t (”dark”) like Oldsona, it wasn’t “dark” like other Megaten games, it got shit on every way to Sunday for daring to try to have a more lightened mood at times (3 murders happen, we see 3 dead bodies, a 6 yo dies onscreen, we have characters going through intense existential crises, we deal with characters mourning through death as well as other relatable struggles, basically shows our teammates die one by one in the final boss, having a chance to hear Naoto’s death scream on the phone if you don’t stop Adachi, just the “you didn’t save the person” phone calls in general, talks about society’s toxic gender roles and how it can negatively effect a person both to an extreme extent and minor, god forbid they eat an animal cracker to lighten the mood, and this isn’t counting the dark shit that happens in the spinoffs). As if P1/2/3 don’t have comedy, or any other Megaten game, all the demons are freaking weird of course there is comedy. Oh and it also got shit on for going mainstream first, and not even counting that it got shit on for spinoffs (which P3 was included but no P3 gets a pass for some reason), and the fact that it was shit on for not being P5 (before and a little while after P5 came out) because it wasn’t “dark” like P5 (fdksjafajkfljafj P5 has it’s moments, esp with Shiho, tho P4D did it first and went through with it, but seriously each game has it’s own light and dark moments and one isn’t better than the other only cause they have more of one than the other). And....*sigh* let’s just say thank god that I was able to buy other Megaten games right before the flood gates of shit came in, cause I dunno if I would’ve wanted to give it a chance if I had to hear my fav game shit on constantly. I say I dunno cause tbh I was craving more after P4 so badly I still would’ve probs gotten into it regardless of the fandom, I wanted more from the franchise even if it wasn’t 100% like P4. 

But tbh I don’t blame P5 fans, anime fans, or Smash fans for maybe not wanting to get into the rest of the series. I get old fans of whatever feeling like they are...I dunno being invaded? By new people in the fandom. Or their afraid of new fans not fully understanding the franchise (hey guys that’s where you teach people instead of try to passive aggressively try to get them to leave the fandom I dunno maybe make posts to educate instead of trying to push away??? 030). And change is hard and yeah. And maybe you don’t like the new game (keep in mind there’s a diff between saying “*insert* Sux” and “I don’t like *insert* because...” one’s shitting on something and the other is constructive), but hey shitting on the game they like is probs not gonna win them over to your fav game sflkdjafkjafja Educate and be helpful, don’t gatekeep and drive people away. That’s a sure fire way for us to lose this franchise (remember we almost lost Atlus all together, but it was able to get a 2nd life thanks to P4 saving it....tbh probably wouldn’t have ever gotten P5 nor SMTV nor any spinoffs if not for P4′s success with its game and anime, this is both a history lesson and a word of warning since it already almost happened once). 

Tldr; Smash didn’t help but it’s really just the fact the fandom got bigger and bigger fandom means we also end up getting more toxic fans mixed in. Twitter now is basically 2012-2015!Tumblr (diff is Tumblr’s was a hivemind vs Twitter’s now extremist two sides only thing), and Tumblr’s porn ban probably migrated a lot of their toxic fans to Twitter which probs hasn’t helped any fandoms on there. Negativity in general isn’t an issue, it’s if you’re being an outright asshole where it’s an issue. Don’t be an asshole in general, if you need to vent then vent where you need to, if you wanna gush then gush were you need to and without bringing anyone/anything down obvie. You are a Persona fan, regardless of where/how you started. Don’t gatekeep for the love of god, or so help me Jack Frost will sneak into your house and smack you in the face with a snowball (and if he doesn’t then I will.....jk...half jk 8U). Also *sprinkles of (allusions to? I dunno I tried it’s 3 am and my 2nd try on answering this and the first one was just as long) Silly’s Persona fandom history lessons throughout the post*

[sad-goomy]

1! And then 6 and 9 for Black Water, 3 and 10 for Misadventures of Solgaleo and Lunala (I am sorry I have no chill)

(as someone who also has no chill you have nothing to apologize for haha)((also this got long because I ramble so the rest is under the cut!))

1. Of the fics you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

ahhhhh hard question!!

honestly Precipice and ophelia have special places in my heart because of the personal connection I had to the themes I explores

but also much ado (and I’m lumping in the two outtakes I wrote in with that because I’m so indecisive) continues to be my actual child and considering I’ve never even outlined something so long and how much I’ve grown even just since I’ve started that fic, I’ll always be proud of it

6. Which scenes did you cut, and which were added in Black Water?

definitely struggled with how much of Moon and Gladion’s backstories to includeI

originally had a little more about Gladion in terms of his mother and how he escaped / became a pirate, but there wasn’t an organic way to weave it in that didn’t also bog the story down

similarly with Moon, I decided to keep the bit about Sun because I felt that set up her distrust of humans (and would also make its way into the plot of a longer fic if/when I add to it), but actually cut other mermaids from her story. initially, the storm caused by the ocean to help her escape was going to be caused by other mermaids, but adding that whole cast of characters complicated things and I wanted to keep the story as focused on Moon and Gladion as possible

9. Which idea came to you first in Black Water?

Moon’s design!

I knew I wanted to go a little more monstrous because I’m a sucker for actually scary mermaids, and I wanted to play on both Moon and Gladion feel utterly alien/outsider to the ship and the world at large

it also helped me figure out the logistics of the plot once I nailed down Moon’s biology. how these two were gonna communicate was probably the biggest thing I had to decide haha

3. Which part of The Misadventures of Solgaleo and Lunala was hardest to write?

it was hard to settle on an appropriate reveal because Gladion was being very uncooperative

originally I wanted to do something dramatic, but his response just never fit that, since instead of going the “why did you lie to me / this changes everything” route, it just felt more in character for him to just kind of deflate and think “gdi I should’ve guessed this earlier” haha, hence the more domestic, private moment I wrote

also I’d like to imagine in the fleshed out fic that after the reveal a superhero captures Solgaleo and Lunala and decides to expose them to Alola’s top reporter and Gladion has to (poorly) pretend it’s a shock

“oh......wow, that’s....yeah....woOoOw.....”Moon has to come to terms with the fact that this is the man she’s had a crush on and was intimidated by for years

10. What are some facts readers may not know about The Misadventures of Solgaleo and Lunala?

the “accident” that gave Moon and Sun their powers wasn’t an accident

Gladion, Lillie, and Hau get in on the action post-reveal, because of course they aren’t letting their friends fight crime alone and they all have a stake in figuring out what’s going on in the underbelly of Aether

Lillie absolutely invents some cool gadgets and takes the role of their own Q

Lusamine ends up summoning the alien Necrozma, and like in the games it can fuse with Solgaleo and Lunala, so you bet your buttons the two are going to be mind-controlled and have their own friends try and stop them

on a lighter note, Sun trolls Moon by starting a rumor online that Lunala and Gladion are dating pre-reveal, which creates a corner of the internet that ships the two and Moon wants to throttle him for it

this leads to Gladion stumbling upon this corner and okay, FINE, he read some fanfic one time and it was actually fairly well-written and compelling

10 questions every fic writer secretly wants to be asked

[soveryanon]

Some thoughts about MAG121! (... it ended up getting long, rambling and screaming ahead.)

- “Antonio” had been one of my hypotheses for the first episode (same as season2!Jon: try to consider all the possible options, increase statistical chance to be right about one of them), since he had popped up a few times through allusions when crystal shops were involved:

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) These dreams have been a regular part of my sleeping for about eight years now. Even as life improved and I found a new job and place to live – believe it or not I now work selling crystals and tarot cards in a “magic” shop – they continued to crop up a few times each month.

(MAG032, Jane Prentiss) I had a job. I sold crystals. […] I remember, before I found the nest, someone new came. His name was Oliver, and he would look at me so strangely. Not with lust or affection or contempt, but with sadness. Such a deep sadness. And once with fear.

(MAG042, Jennifer Ling) […] I saw someone staring at me from the doorway of a small shop. The sign above didn’t have an obvious name, simply reading “Crystals. Books. Tarot”. He was tall, black and careworn, deep lines of worry etched into an otherwise handsome face.

… but I had pictured a visit paid to the Archives, not… apparently-already-turned-Avatar!Oliver visiting Jon at the hospital and basically encouraging him in this path, SHHHHHHHIT. (Handsome black queer Death Prophet introducing himself officially, and Tim isn’t around anymore for this, I feel cheated (like Death). I… had been wondering if Tim hadn’t met the guy off-screen towards the end of season 3, since he sounded unsettlingly convinced that he wouldn’t come back… And now, I kinda hope that it really didn’t happen – it would probably have make him lose faith in (in)humanity even further. Oliver would have told him to “rest in pieces”, uh.)

- … I’m also so, so mad, because, yes, I had spotted him in MAG032 and MAG042; but I had totally overlooked the fact that he had lied/concealed some information back when he’d given his statement (March 14th 2015) and it’s so, so obvious in retrospect, gdi!!! He totally got me with the seemingly pure good boy utterly honest façade, and nop, he’s just super good at casually lying/dissimulating while pretending to be charmingly deadpan honest, which he did again with Georgie by introducing himself as “Antonio” without missing a beat (lol) (don’t misunderstand, I’m love him, his voice was effing amazing, and also WOW WHAT A LITTLE SHIT).

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) I tell you this because I feel you have a right to know the sort of timescales that we’re dealing with here. I haven’t had much of a chance to experiment or see anything more specific, I’m afraid. There are so many people who die in London, and I know so few of them.

^he only gave the two examples of his ex-colleague’s (a “John” =D) and of his father’s deaths, but he worked in Jane Prentiss’s shop before she gave her statement in February 2014; he had already seen her, seen her condition (and it looked… really fucked up) and yet didn’t mention it at all in his statement, and… it should have ticked me off, damnit!! Same with MAG042 (statement given November 3rd 2013):

(MAG042, Jennifer Ling) When he saw me looking at him, he began to walk up to me, still with that intense look. I took a couple of steps back, and asked if I could help him. He shook his head as if unsure what to say, then asked me what I was listening to. A chill ran over me as I realised he was staring at my ears. I said I wasn’t listening to anything, as I wasn’t wearing headphones, and asked him what he wanted. He shook his head again, and mumbled something about protecting my hearing. He turned away then, and started walking back into the shop.

He thought that Jennifer was wearing earphones!! Because there were roots in her ears!! He couldn't see her ears!! Because he was seeing it live, not remembering it from his dreams!! Gdi!!! I’m still so mad I hadn’t realized, it was just right there!!

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) Or maybe they just couldn’t be seen, fighting off death for so long that when it came at last its icy tendrils covered every inch of them.

That “icy”: he knew that they were cold because he had already touched them!!! Damnit!!

- … there is some ambiguity about the number of statements he gave (I definitely heard the plural in the second sentence?):

(MAG121) OLIVER: I gave the old woman a statement, so, maybe I owe you one as well. […] So. My name is Oliver Banks. In my other statements, I used the name “Antonio Blake”, but I don’t really think either name has much meaning for me anymore.

So, mmmm, is there another one laying around, or did Gertrude take a live statement from him after his written one?

- efhrefdjknefd about the fact that the One Person Sent To Talk To Jon would be calling him “Jon” (“Hum… Hello, Jon. Do you… mind, if I call you Jon? I, I mean. You don’t actually know me, it’s just… well. “Archivist”, it’s so… formal, isn’t it?”), while, until now, other avatars had called him “Archivist” without batting an eye:

(MAG039) PRENTISS: Archivist. (MAG047) MICHAEL: There has never been a door there, Archivist, your mind plays tricks on you. (MAG089) JUDE: No more questions, Archivist! (MAG091) MIKE: Archivist. Take my mercy and leave. (MAG097) NIKOLA: Question time is over, little Archivist. (MAG100) HELEN: Time is hard, Archivist. It’s difficult to follow without a proper mind, especially here.

(Nikola also used “Jon” sometimes, but it had mostly been “Archivist”, and hey, ~the Stranger is not known for its consistency~) -> Dat sweet-talking and trying to get in Jon’s good graces by calling him by his name, while he usually goes into squint&snarl mode as soon as he’s called “Archivist”. Oliver’s obsession with finally being able to have a good night (he wanted a “dreamless sleep”, recalled his “desperation to finally have a good night’s sleep”, “to have one good night’s sleep”) must also have hit a bit close to home, uh.

- Martin begging for Jon to wake up and help them, finally accepting a deal that sounded shady to protect the others since Jon is still unresponsive => Jon: *stays undead* Handsome black mlm passing by to tell his story, right after Valentine’s day => Jon: *HEAVY BREATHING.*

- In all seriousness, I wonder how Oliver’s statement expressed itself in Jon’s mind: were they suddenly on the boat, breaking the cycle of Jon’s dreams? Did Jon indeed feel a “fear”, since Oliver is already an avatar? (Julia&Trevor hadn’t really sounded afraid when he quickly saw them in their dream, in MAG120.) Interestingly, it looks like Oliver could see Jon’s dreams, or at least knew their content, inside of his own dreams?

(MAG121) OLIVER: […] And I do kind of know you? Haven’t had much choice, really. Dreams are like that, y’know: no matter how lucid you think they are, there is always that part that just drags you along. Guess I don’t need to tell you that, at least… not right now. […] I s’pose there’s only so long you can dream about someone and not at least try to find them. […] I don't talk to many people these days. Putting my thoughts outside myself, it's gets a bit… hm… clumsy. […] ‘wish there was a better way, but… Touching someone’s mind, it’s not… as simple as that, is it? Doesn’t always make things clearer, y’know? Still. I gave the old woman a statement, so, maybe I owe you one as well. That’s how it works, right? Give you a terror. Give you a dream. ‘t’s not like I don’t have ‘em to spare. Mm. Let me tell you about how I tried to escape.

It’s… curious, given that he used to dream of people themselves (how do the tendrils interact with Jon’s… state?); but it looks like in Jon’s case, he could access Jon’s dreams, since he knew what Jon has been experiencing. Is he currently able to communicate with people through dreams? (Either something he developed since his 2015 statement, either yet something else he didn't bother to mention at the time?) (I do wonder how Jon’s choice manifested in his dream, too! Was it to face the Eye, since Elias had narrated that Jon… was basically trying to escape its gaze/pretending that it wasn’t there by focusing on other people, though he couldn’t not watch them anyway? I had been wondering if his clue for leaving would have to do with the “DIG” ad, since it came from Martin’s statement, static included; or from Helen’s door, since… “He does not know what is behind it anymore, and he is deathly afraid of finding out. The Archivist turns away.” (MAG120) sounded like Jon fleeing, and also the least Beholding-like thing he did in the cycle of dreams.)

- I’m laughing SO HARD about how Oliver had quite clearly been sent by The Web:

(MAG121) OLIVER: [SIGH] I wish I could tell you why I came here. I wish I knew why I came here. I s’pose there’s only so long you can dream about someone and not at least try to find them. […] Then again, maybe I’ve just wasted my breath. But I don’t think so. Honestly, hum, I'm still not exactly sure why I’m here. But… you know better than anyone how the spiders can get into your head. Easier to just do what she asked!

(The fact that he tried to rationalize actions that he had not chosen is quite reminiscent of the effects Trevor had described in MAG056: “The weirdest sensation began to flow through me; I wanted to leave. […] This was just a sudden awareness of my own desire. I’d been sober for three years at that point, but I felt like I desperately wanted to get high, and I knew that the best place to get some was out in the night. Looking back, I think it might have been my own mind rationalizing the way I felt my will being tugged out of the room, but it was still very powerful.”) … and that’s the thing that made Jon tip over. He had been holding on for six months, prisoner in his dreams and under the big eyeball’s stare, and the thing that apparently made him ~choose~… was the message that The Web sent him. That’s so rude towards Beholding, Jon =D

- Also it’s the *screams* confirmation that… Jon probably never really escaped Mr. Spider back when he was a kid. At the very least, the spiders have plans for him, and it’s apparently in their interest to have Jon functioning, whether it stems from a Web-Beholding alliance or from the Web having its own plan and trying to hijack the chessboard. As far as the tense relationship between The Web and free will is concerned, I remembered something Elias had said a while back:

(MAG092) ELIAS: […] And your will is still your own, mostly.

………… that “mostly”………..…………… Elias, what do you know about this…….. (I’m still unable to pinpoint, for a lot of things regarding Elias, if the answer is “he knows a lot” or “he barely knows anything and only manages to stay in control because he’s a very pretty/lucky complete buffoon”.) (In the same exchange, there was that moment of “Feels like all I’ve managed to do is… not die.” “And believe me, that is a remarkably rare skill.” and that also does take another dimension now fedhbjnefd.)

- Relatedly: if Jon indeed gave himself up to Beholding… well… Gods. Gooooooods. I am not ready for elated!Elias since uwu!! Jon chose this path himself!! uwu. We already had a glimpse of it in MAG102 (“No, Jon, this is good! It’s a promising development!”) but I think nobody is ready for Elias being elated over something Jon-related again. (… Except for Ben, probably.) Will Elias make arrangements to send a Congratulations postcard and/or flowers to Jon from his cell. Will Jon still be Jon enough to dump them in the trash.

- Important logistic question: did Jon receive his salary during his coma, and what happened to his shiny new flat? According to Georgie, he hadn’t been paid during his, erm, escapade from the police&the Institute at the beginning of season 3 (for a bit more than two months) (though it could have been Jon avoiding to use his bank account altogether in order to not get tracked down):

(MAG099) ARCHIVIST: Look, G– Georgie, I need to move out. GEORGIE: Umm… yeah. I thought you were looking for a place. Y’know, now, now you’ve got a salary again.

(Elias, you could have at least compensated him for the weeks he spent on the run since he worked even more than usual if his sleep schedule is any indication, you’re a terrible boss in more than one aspect.) So, yeah. Does Jon still have his new flat, or will he have to find a new one again (or go back to Georgie’s, or… keep definitive residence in the Archives).

- Same question as I’d asked myself during the trailer: is the clock in Jon’s hospital room specifically the clock from Elias’s office, and did Elias arrange for this? Since we first heard it, I’ve been wondering if it had… something behind it (aside from informing the listeners that scenes were taking place in Elias’s office). Bones, or something else entirely. It’s super ominous on its own, the regular sound being half a constant reminder that things are advancing their natural course, and half a feeling of mechanicalness and of things being trapped in an cyclical system! But I do wonder if that clock had a function in-universe, too, since… it’s very noticeable. At the very least, Oliver’s words resonated strongly with it

(MAG121) OLIVER: Time is like that, isn’t it? Just keeps going. No matter what happens, it just carries on. And it strips everything away from you in the end; the good, and the bad alike, until there is nothing left of either. “This too shall pass”, “All good things come to an end”. “Memento mori”.

and it was a beautiful (and terrible) atmosphere.

- It’s possible that Georgie and Martin have met off-screen!!

(MAG121) OLIVER: Uh… uh, I’m a friend. Of Jon’s. GEORGIE: Are you now. OLIVER: Y– y– yes. GEORGIE: Right. Just… haven’t you seen visiting before.

Well, that depends if Martin has been visiting often but… Georgie sure is keeping a close watch on Jon. I wonder if Jon will still be in a state to feel guilty about it, since… ~before~ the coma, he didn’t want for her to get involved further and in the end, she did.

- I love that she’s also picky about the friends Jon should be surrounding himself with, but she quite clearly understood that Oliver was bad news (“Sorry about that. But you really don’t need friends like th–”). What was the reason she chased Oliver at the end? Because the tape recorder was running and it usually didn’t react when she was there? Because there was something weird already with Jon’s body? Or did Oliver leave something in the room for Jon, a gift from The Web? (… or could it be specifically the zippo again, returning to Jon? We don’t know if Martin had used it in MAG118, but it could have been, since it could burn statements…)

- I’ll forever be laughing at the fact that Jonathan fucking Sims dated someone who would later be a supernatural podcaster who says “spooktacular”, but at the same time, I Would Die For Georgie Barker:

(MAG121) OLIVER: I’m Antonio. GEORGIE: Sure. OLIVER: Do you mind, uh… giving us a minute? GEORGIE: No, I think you’re done here. OLIVER: Oh. Uh, right. H… have I upset you, miss? GEORGIE: No, you just remind me of someone. OLIVER: Ah, I’m sorry. Were they– GEORGIE: Evil. Yes. OLIVER: … Oookay then. I, I just, guess I should just go. GEORGIE: I guess you should.

This was the first time we've heard Georgie interact with someone else than Jon, and… Georgie!!! GEORGIE!!!!!!! I’m guessing that “someone” was referring to the events in the dissection class, since that was an agent of The End too… and now I’m worried for her, since woops, they’re related to the same shade of fear, and the idea that Georgie is getting involved in that, or at least with people deeper in it than she is… is worrisome.)

- Well. I’m assuming that Oliver chose to serve The End, it sounds pretty clear to me? He wouldn’t be punning that much about it if it wasn’t the case (do you get more powerful when you pun about your patron all the time. *eyes Elias*). I’m not sure about the rest of his situation, though, since… I saw a few other people mention it, and same, Point Nemo sounded like a Lonely and Vast territory – different powers fighting to get the upper hand influence-wise, like at Hill Top Road? The shades bleeding into each other in the spectrum of colours-that-hate-me? I had wondered, with MAG011 alone, whether “Antonio” was actually under The End’s or Beholding’s influence – the latter because… there were, and there still is in MAG121, a lot of references about him witnessing without being able to help and slowly coming to terms with that fact, his being mostly a passive observer overall, unable to do anything about it, and the idea that, when given a choice, he wanted to see, even when it wouldn’t do him any good:

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) Eventually my wandered drifting led me back to the Barclays building. Something inside me wanted to go inside, to see what it was like in this rhythmic, fleshy dreamscape. […] I was aware that I had two choices: to follow the light to wherever it might lead or to turn and retreat into the waking world. I decided to follow the path of that scarlet glow […].

(MAG121) OLIVER: I don’t know why I did it. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, walking past my own home in a dream, but I just… Maybe I wanted it this way.

By contrast, his ascension made him take an active part, with him purposely leading people to their deaths… So I don’t know if this was The End all along, or Oliver switching from another power to The End, à la Mike Crew? Also, we don’t know if he’s gay or bi/pan (he’s a mlm at the very least, since he mentioned his ex-boyfriend Graham) but: it would add another dimension to the fact that he referred to The End as a He while The Web (or its avatar) gets a She =D (My Patron Is More Appealing To Me.)

- ……………….. okay, so this statement seems to confirm that Avatars tend to have a death experience or something close to it in order to… become. It’s unclear if Jane Prentiss had clinically died when she was treated, but as for others:

(MAG089) JUDE PERRY: […] It became clear that, where once I had destroyed to fuel my life, I now lived for the pain that I caused. […] I doused myself in kerosene and set it alight. […] As the heat warped my bones and bubbled my flesh, all I heard was the loving exaltation of my god.

(MAG089) MIKE CREW: […] In the end I threw myself into the arms of that vast emptiness, and I bound my tormentor to the book.

(MAG109) ARCHIVIST: Last I heard, you were dying of lung cancer. TREVOR: I was. ARCHIVIST: And now? TREVOR: I’m not. [CHUCKLES]

(MAG121) OLIVER: […] I could feel all their eyes lock to me, panicked, hoping for some sort of explanation. I almost tried to give them one, but I barely got the first word out before the falling satellite debris hit the ship at two hundred miles an hour, killing us instantly.

Mike jumped from a tower pursued by a Lichtenberg figure; Jude immolated herself; Trevor was dying from lung cancer (and Martin thought that people had mentioned he had died after the first part of his statement); Oliver explicitly states that he died (and yet is still present in some way, and corporeal enough to need to open and close the door). That. Sounds. Really. Really. Bad. For. Jon. Given that, for all of them, it was presented as a turning point – the thing that made them tip over into another sort of existence. Interestingly, Jon got… many of his powers before this stage (compulsion, the ability to Know things he had never learned as highlighted by Elias in MAG102 and later Tim in MAG114, the languages-thing, the ability to… See?, unravelling one’s story, as he did in MAG119, and the nightmares-sharing as we learned in MAG120), but Trevor had the ability to feel the vampires his entire life, and Jude set someone on fire before completing her transformation.

I’M DEVASTATED BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT JON WAS AFRAID OF, ESPECIALLY AFTER TALKING WITH OTHER AVATARS, GDI!!! The prospect of becoming a monster and of losing himself like the others… shook him quite badly at the time.

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: So it’s… it’s back to breadcrumbs, and statements, and risking my life talking to things that barely remember how to be human anymore? [...] Am I… Elias, am I still human? ELIAS: Jon, what does human even mean? I mean, really? You still bleed, you can still die. And your will is still your own, mostly. That’s more than can be said for a lot of the “real’ humans out there. … You’re worried about ending up like that thing, lurking in the dirt under the streets of Alexandria? Don’t be. Just do what you need to, and you’ll be fine. Understood?

(MAG093) ARCHIVIST: You’ve seen monsters? GEORGIE: Not the time, Jon. ARCHIVIST: Right, it’s… it’s just I think I’m turning into one. GEORGIE: Really? That’s… not great. […] ARCHIVIST: But [Avatars] end up getting these abilities, and they lose a lot of their self. Sometimes all of it. GEORGIE: And you think… that’s what’s happening to you? ARCHIVIST: Yes. Yes. The Institute serves one of these beings. A–At least, Elias, who runs the place, does. Since accepting the Archivist job, I–I’ve been… different.

(MAG114) TIM: So, why don’t you “Archivist” me, then? Just pull it straight out. ARCHIVIST: Because I don’t want to! I am not your enemy, Tim. TIM: [DISMISSIVELY] Like that matters! These things aren’t human. It’s… instinct. You can’t not. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] I’m still me, Tim. [TIM HUFFS] I’m still… me.

(MAG115) HELEN: We’re both changing, Archivist. I had hoped, that together– ARCHIVIST: [FURIOUS] Get out. HELEN: Archivist… ARCHIVIST: Get. Out.

… And at the same time, Oliver’s statement just highlighted how… far Jon was from the state the other Avatars were in just before they turned into their current beings? Jude Perry was depressed, isolated, straying away from her girlfriend (projecting Agnes on her instead) and decided to start killing pretty easily. Mike Crew had lost his parents and was apparently quite solitary, and discovered along the way that he didn’t mind killing (MAG089: “My experiments weren’t entirely pointless, though, they did have a truth to me. I learned that I was more than capable of killing, if it brought me closer to what I needed.”) Oliver didn’t sound like he had anyone who could have mattered to him (we knew he’d lost his father in MAG011, but he didn’t mention any other family member or friend in MAG121) and… decided, at the end, to kill everyone on board. Their transformations were all preceded by them losing touch with their previous surroundings, to replace it by their dedication to their god? (Iirc, one of the Q&A had even explicitly referred to the relationship between the Hive and Jane Prentiss as a clear case of toxic/abusive love.)

But Jon… Jon had precisely being going in the opposite direction in season 3: where it wouldn’t only be about him, but about the others, and about trusting them, even artificially. That was the decision he had made.

(MAG0117) ARCHIVIST: […] Still, it does sometimes make it hard to… fully trust them, I–  … [SIGHS] You– you know what, no. I’m… I’m done with that. No more paranoia. It’s almost got me killed more than once, and… Georgie was right. If I am… slipping, then I need people I can trust. And I… I don’t think that can happen naturally for me an–anymore, so… I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them. E– except Elias, obviously, that’s not– I mean… I’ve listened to the tapes. I’ve listened to the tape, I– I know what they talk about behind my back, how much they’ve… suffered… because of… this place… because of me. God. Poor Melanie. […] I do worry about Martin and Melanie, leaving them behind, but… I– I suppose that’s- part of trusting someone, isn’t it? Letting them help how they can.

(MAG0118) TIM: You thought you brought me in as a distraction, right? ARCHIVIST: What?! TIM: Let me do it! Go in, maybe you can get some of them– ARCHIVIST: Tim, contrary to what you think, I did not bring you here to indulge your death wish! […] I knew none of us might be coming back, and I’m not gonna let anyone get killed for nothing! […] I am not losing you as well!!

I’m a big sap when it comes to the Power Of Friendship (feed it to meee!!), and I’m also aware that it might nnnnot go down super-well in a horror podcast where Bad Things Happen, but part of me still… hopes, very deeply, that it mattered in Jon’s apparent decision to not die-die (which meant, if we judge by others’ stories, to give himself up, be it to Beholding or to another one).   … Two counter-arguments, though: Jon spent six months in his loop of nightmares, which… could have been enough to break him quite a bit, and to reduce him to a state in which his decisions at the end of season 3 don’t matter much to him (or what’s left of him) anymore. There is also the feeling that Avatars tend to… look down? on their past selves and feelings, as if they now knew some deeper truth that invalidates their past thinking, and a bit like they're… rewriting their own story in order to conclude that what they became was the logical achievement of who they were?

(MAG032, Jane Prentiss) Perhaps I’ve always heard it. Perhaps the itch has always been the real me, and it was the happy, smiling Jane who called herself a witch and drank wine in the park when it was sunny. Maybe it was her who was the maddened illusion that hides the sick squirming reality of what I am. Of what we all are, when you strip away the pretense that there is more to a person than a warm, wet habitat for the billion crawling things that need a home. That love us in their way.

(MAG089) JUDE PERRY: I know now they were simply guiding me upon the path to my true epiphany. All this time I was serving my god, but only for my own glory. But with each new gift, each renewal of the fire, I saw how lifeless and hollow it was, how grey and ashen my existence had become. It became clear that, where once I had destroyed to fuel my life, I now lived for the pain that I caused. And for Agnes. My sweet, hopeless Agnes. And so I ended it.

(MAG091) MIKE CREW: I know it was the first storm, the first real storm, I had seen for almost ten years, but nothing else remains in my mind. There are echoes of resignation, I think, almost desperation. That can’t be right, though. What reason would I have had not to jump? Not to become as I am now. Perhaps I just didn’t know the true joy of vertigo. It doesn’t matter.

(MAG121) OLIVER: […] That was it with the old woman too. That was different, though. Way I figure it? She stuck her nose in just about everywhere it wasn’t wanted and stirred up hornets. ‘Till all the precautions in the world couldn’t stop Death from finally catching her. If I’d’ve known more back then, I’m… not sure I would’ve bothered trying to warn her. Still… you live and learn, don’t you? […] And the worst part is that somewhere, in me, I… I liked it. Underneath all that awful fear, it felt like… home.

(Oliver had also mentioned that the tendrils had felt “almost affectionate” at first. We… really got to witness his degradation: he had initially tried to stop what was supposed to happen (with his father), he switched to warning (Jennifer from MAG042, Gertrude in MAG011), and then, was just witnessing (the “Thomas” whose identity he stole in MAG121) until… he brought around ten people to the spot where they were supposed to die, actively ensuring that they would all meet their planned ends. On the one hand, he became his current self in just two years since his first statement; on the other end, he had already concealed a lot of things in that statement from two years ago and was already deeper in that he had claimed, but overall, that… doesn’t bode well for Jon’s evolution, yeah.)

Of course, it’s only natural to come up with different conclusions at the time you’re experiencing something and in hindsight (knowing where they led to in the end, the mistakes you were making, the consequences your actions would bear), but it. still. sounds A LOT like a kind of brainwashing…? And we don’t know yet what Jon’s state of mind was when he “chose” in MAG121, though we do know that he was, personality-wise, The Best/Worst Possible Person to get into Beholding stuff, yeah, because he… had had the craving for novelty since he was a kid and the tendency to pursue knowledge at all costs (MAG093, Georgie: “That does at least explain why he picked you. […] If your job is asking questions, I mean. You were always the one who pushed too far, and asked smart-arse, awkward questions. I always was surprised you never got punched.”) Except for Mike, who switched, the Fears tend to choose people who will fit in with them and… that’s… bad…

- So overall: no idea if we’ll perceive drastic changes in Jon right away, or if it will be a slow slippery slope. I’m… worried for the hospital staff, though; Jon seems to have understood the correlations between live-statements and his dreams by the end of season 3 (MAG113: “I’m not too concerned, to be honest, my dreams are, uh… well, let’s just say I don’t think they’re going be letting anyone else in any time soon.”); we know from Basira and Daisy that it’s not only Jon, that it also affects the statement-givers unless they’re Archival Assistants and/or directly working for the Institute (MAG112: “Are you sleeping?” “Yeah. … Do you still have the dreams?” “Um, no, not really. Not since we joined up here, I don’t think. You?” “Yeah.”) and… there is a clear line between being harmful without knowing, and being harmful despite knowing (but not caring and/or prioritizing one’s own gain). So I’m afraid that Jon might extort a statement or two as soon as he wakes up, if he’s hungering for them and/or wants to get better, after having been deprived of them for so long.

I mean, I’m totally expecting Jon to go bad – and I’m not quite ready for it right now, but then, it’s not like I can’t expect my feelings to get repeatedly crushed by a lead pipe in this series, I know what I signed for, I’m in for the ride, I’ll Take It Anyway >:3 But I’m a bit more concerned about the idea of following Jon as he knowingly hurts people and doesn't care… without anyone there to remind us that hey! This is bad, actually?, and without… anything about the people Jon is making suffer. It’s not only about Jon: it’s about them, becoming victims through their live-statements, apparently being haunted by them in their dreams through Jon? (The series has been great, though, at making us feel like all these Characters Of The Day are people, with their own lives and stories, so I trust that there will be… something about the fact that this is happening to them! Also, I don’t know if Georgie has been suspecting something regarding the dreams, but if characters managed to piece things together, then, I doubt that Georgie would allow Jon to run wild? Mmmartin might, maybe a bit, but not Georgie. She might not outright kill him if she sees he’s gone bad, but she would scream at him until he puts effort into fighting it as best he can.)

- Also overall: a… lot of things will depend on Jon’s state of mind, and what he's understood from Oliver’s story. I have trouble finding a “lesson” in it, honestly? What are we supposed to take away from his experience?

(MAG121) OLIVER: At that moment, a sudden calm came over me. I understood it all. I could follow the lines of the huge veins that encased the ship down into the water, leading off to a point almost a mile from the South-East. There. That was it. That was our fate. Where we would always be. Because I was going to take us there. Running was pointless. To try and to escape from my task would only serve to fulfil another. I finally understood what I needed to do. […] I don’t know where I got the gun, but once Captain Macabee was dead, the others were very keen to sail wherever I wanted.

That you can’t escape these things? That the longer you try to run, the more innocent people will get harmed because of you? That the only way for Jon to leave the dreams would be to give in (and give himself over), confirming that there is no other solution? (Oliver told Jon that he had ~to make a choice~ but… technically, Jon can’t die in this state. How could have he chosen that option? Was he waiting for someone to mercy-kill him…?) What were Jon’s options exactly, and what did he choose? We didn’t hear about the notebook that he had found in Gertrude’s hangar in MAG113 (“Names, locations, dates. I’ll, I’ll check properly later. Doesn’t look like it’s to do with the Unknowing, I don’t think.”) and it sounded valuable enough for Jon to plan to take a deeper look at it … so as usual, Jon Is Probably Ahead Of Us, and what he does and chooses to do with it will get explained later. Notes on preventing The Watcher’s Crown? On the “new emergence” mentioned by Adelard? (But if Jon indeed gave himself to The Beholding… is it possible to do it if he’s still planning on wrecking its ceremony? That’s not really giving yourself up if you don’t want it or are planning to work against it?) (So as usual: what happened, aaaaarrrrrg)

- So far, we had been hearing all the statements recorded by the Archival staff, so… has that changed, and we didn’t hear the ones being recorded by Melanie-Basira-Martin while Jon was in his coma? Or did they stop recording them? Or did the tape recorders refuse to work because Jon was away? … Or will Jon listen to them to catch up on the time he missed, and we will discover them with him – and how things apparently got progressively worse for the assistants?

- … I had been wondering about Jon’s use of the tape recorder. He used it for statements starting season 1 and, starting with the climax and all through season 2, as a way to convey his discoveries to a hypothetical successor in case something bad happened to him. In season 3, the tape recorder started to apparently turn itself on, pretty often to record quite mundane conversations, whether Jon was there or not, and in a few cases there is some ambiguity over whether or not he had actually been turning it on when he had it on him (with or without realizing it), but… there were also moments in which it was explicit that Jon wanted conversations and talks to be on tape. It culminated with the testaments in MAG117:

(MAG098) MARTIN: […] Have you seen [Jon] since…? TIM: [GRUNTS] Kind of. We tried to talk, but he, he reached for that– Ah, he, he wanted to turn on his recorder. I freaked out a bit, and I said some stuff: if he wanted to talk, no tapes, I just, I just hate that thing.

(MAG102) [CLICK] ARCHIVIST: You’re sure you don’t mind? MARTIN: No, no, no, it’s fine, I’ve… I’ve kind of stopped noticing if I’m honest. They just sort of… turn themselves on these days.

(MAG115) ARCHIVIST: […] There is nothing you want to say to me. TIM: Nothing with that thing here, no. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Interesting. […] TIM: Why are you so set on having it running? ARCHIVIST: I… Look, if you want my honest opinion– TIM: I don’t.

(MAG117) ARCHIVIST: I, I wanted to get some thoughts down before, er…everything. We all should, actually, I… I’ll maybe mention it to them.

……………. I’m wondering if… this wasn’t actually... all about Jon fearing that yes, he would (have to) turn into an avatar for real at some point, and it would probably fuck with his mind a bit (highlighting parts of him that were already there, but also rewiring him to serve his god’s objectives rather than what felt right to him) – and so, using the recordings in an attempt to… keep traces of who Jonathan Sims used to be, what his actual trains of thoughts were, the actual choices he made. Jon was very conscious that something else would come afterwards: Gerry had told him about The Watcher’s Crown, and Jon… sounded like he had picked up that stopping The Unknowing wasn’t an end in itself but also a way for Elias to get him closer to something:

(MAG117) ARCHIVIST: […] Elias seems pretty insistent I go along. Part of me thinks it’s just so that we can see if whatever this… preparation he’s been trying to do on me works. And you know what? That same… petty little part of me… rather hopes it doesn’t; that all this time, all his… cryptic nudges and “learn to fly by falling” attitude ends up being a complete waste of time. Just to show him.

I do hope that his “I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them.” will matter in the long run, but I’m also crying in advance that it won’t and that will be the tragedy ;___; (I’m also not ready to say goodbye to Jonathan “I’d rather doom the world rather than prove something I despise right” Sims, please keep some of that stuff in you, Jon.) 

- worriedaboutmartin.jpg since… we still have no idea what happened/what’s happening… and he’s the only one left of the original assistants. Sasha got killed. Tim sacrificed himself to get his revenge, and his words from the season 2 finale are resonating more strongly than ever right now:

(MAG080) MARTIN: Sorry? Sorry, what? How can you not care!? TIM: Because this is us now. Worms. Monsters. Corridors. They’ll keep happening until one of them kills us and we’ve just got to deal with it.

I’m… really hoping that we will get some mourning around Tim – maybe not right now, but at some point, like it happened with Sasha. Sasha had been an open wound since Jon learned about her death, despite the fact that they didn’t remember her; Martin and Tim had expressed their feelings in covered-up, indirect or delayed ways, but there were still… bits that hinted that it was gnawing at them a lot more than they were saying:

(MAG082) MARTIN: Maybe they said something about Sasha, y’know? TIM: She’s dead, Martin. Come on! Even you’re not that blind. He got her too. MARTIN: Don’t you say that. Don’t you dare say that!

(MAG086) TIM: The first Sasha. What… What was she like? […] … Who am I even sad for…? MELANIE: I… I’m, I’m sorry… I don’t, er… TIM: Um… I’m, I’m going to lie down…

(MAG114) TIM: You know how long that thing pretended to be Sasha? ARCHIVIST: Oh god… TIM: And I had no idea? I knew Sasha for years, we… I don’t know Martin as well as I knew her.

(MAG117) MARTIN: Hey, hey, I mean what’s normal, right? Is living in an old document storage normal? Is losing a friend and not even noticing normal?

(MAG118) MARTIN: [DRY LAUGHTER] Dignity? Alright, yeah; like the dignity of being trapped in your flat by worms, or sleeping in the Archives, clutching a corkscrew! Or– or fetching drinks for the thing that murdered your friend without you even noticing…! Laughing at all their little jokes, then being left to wander impossible corridors for weeks!

… and just the mention of Sasha was enough to make Jon snap in two different season finales:

(MAG079) NOT!SASHA: […] And it will hurt. Oh, yes, it will hurt. It hurt Sasha. ARCHIVIST: Shut up! NOT!SASHA: [CLOSE AND DISTORTED] There you are.

(MAG0119) ARCHIVIST: Who are you?! NIKOLA: Who am I? Tim, of course! Who else would I be! ARCHIVIST: You’re not– you’re not… Tim. NIKOLA: Oh, you caught me~ I’m… Sasha! ARCHIVIST: Shut up! NIKOLA: No~! Really, it’s me! Sasha– whatever her name was! Back from the dead, just like you wanted~! ARCHIVIST: Get away from me, or, or I swear I’ll… I’ll…

It’s been a series where characters tend to take even more shape after their death, or at least… where the characters who died (or their secrets) tend to still have an influence, or to be present in other characters’ minds. Tim probably got the best ending he could have wished for in the circumstances and in the overall universe, but it was also a stupid death, intertwined with his desire to not come back and his conviction that the others had only taken him along as a distraction for the Stranger’s minions (which… didn’t sound like it was the case at all, at least in Jon’s mind: he had to accept Tim’s desire to come along in order to regain some of Tim’s trust). It was a sad death. It has the potential to hurt A Lot – and who will mourn for him, or at least highlight that what happened was plain unfair? Basira was wary of him and will have the Daisy issue in mind; Melanie didn’t hold Tim super-dearly in her heart, since he'd been an ass to her for the few times they spoke. Tim made a point of staying away from them, since he couldn’t trust them. There are only Martin and Jon to really remember Tim; it would feel… very cold and gritty? to just pass over his death as something that happened and to barely mention it, so I’m assuming that we’ll get something at some point.

The only glimmer of pain about Tim’s death that we have got was when Elias sweet-stabbed Martin about it in MAG120 (“Hello, inspector. Martin. I’m… sorry to hear about Tim.” “Don’t.”), and Martin might not currently be around if he was heading off to somewhere dangerous in the trailer, and it’s been six months already for him, so… I don’t know! I hope that we’ll get some mourning. Jon waking up and realizing only then that Tim died when the others have already had the time to process the information in the last six months, could have the potential to be Absolutely Awful, but the whole series is a competition between Potentially Awful Things to happen (ie: will Jon still be able to care or to feel the Hurt, in his new state). At the very least, Sasha was an open wound until the end of season 3, so I don’t really see Tim’s death getting brushed off like that – it’s a series that make you care about things, a series in which wrong things are constantly highlighted and denounced. It doesn’t mean that the horror doesn’t happen, but it always has effects on people. (Also, hi! Jon’s feeble and fragile “Tim…?” was the last word he said before the explosion happened! Before Tim’s “I don't forgive you. But thank you for this.” which Jon most probably heard! I’m fine, it’s just rain falling indoors right on my cheeks!)

… This might also be why Martin accepted to do something dangerous, after checking that “they [would] be safe”. Because Basira had put her finger where it hurt, when she told him that he couldn’t just wait and hope (MAG110: “Look, Martin. I know you care. I know you do. But caring isn’t enough. You can’t just stand next to someone with a cup of tea and hope everything’s gonna be alright.”), and Martin had decided to act on it at the end of season 3 (MAG117: “Anyway. I guess I’m just sick of sitting on my hands, drinking tea and hoping everyone’s okay. This way I finally get to do something. It’s gonna hurt, but… I’m ready. And I want to.”), though… even his plan, in the end, had most of its victories sucked out of it (yes, Elias was sent to jail, but he still has blackmail material for the officers and had already made arrangements to get Peter to manage in the interim while he was gone; and Melanie resents Martin for robbing her of Elias’s murder, if Elias’s comment is any indication; and Tim died; and Daisy went into the coffin and is probably mostly gone; and Jon is unresponsive… and will only be able to come back by sinking deeper into his inhumanity). It could make sense, for Martin, to start trying to take more risks, since he… is the only one of the original assistants to have survived this far, and hasn’t even ever been physically hurt until now (though what Elias did will probably have long-lasting effects).

At the same time!! I’m!! Glad!! That the trailer was Martin apparently asking and begging for Jon’s help, but… not for Jon to wake up in itself. It sounded like the threat looming around was unrelated to Jon’s current state? And Martin did ask about the others’ safety before agreeing, which means… that he’s not doing everything for Jon and Jon only, or to protect Jon. The others factored in.

(It’s not something I believe to have happened, but the date worries me a bit further since hey! Peter Lukas had shown Interest in Martin (MAG120: “And don’t look so down! I know, change can be scary, but eventually it happens just the same. I think we’re going to great things, Martin. Great. Things.”) and Jon has been in that state from August to February, with Martin’s visit taking place at some point before he started breathing again. That time frame… would fit with the Tundra being in the UK area, if its route is annual:

(MAG033) ARCHIVIST: […] Sean Kelly disappeared from the port of Felixstowe in October 2010, and his body washed up on the coast of Morocco in April 2011, six months later. According to the coroner, it had only been in the water for five days.

Or maybe Martin still has six months to live from now on? I mean, Sasha and Tim both died around the end-of-July/beginning-of-August. Summer’s gonna get fun in the Archives.)

(ALSO WORRIED ABOUT MELANIE AND BASIRA, OF COURSE, since Martin’s “Basira’s keeping things taking over, and Melanie is… well, Melanie is Melanie…!” from the trailer isn’t announcing good news and it’s been six months, Melanie had been doing worse and worse in just a few weeks when we left her in season 3; and Basira… just lost… her own anchor… and Daisy seemed to have snapped for real – not dead, but We've Lost Her, since Jon can’t reach her dreams anymore. I think we might be switching to them in MAG122? Will ~see~ in a few hours /o/)

- … the only glimmer of hope for a Good Thing is that if (if.) Elias is still in prison, it will mean that he has spent six months in jail. I don’t know if it’s worth everything else but. Still. Possibly One (1) Good Thing.

[blueshipstealstars]

omg wow

So you guys basically sent ALL of the questions from the Self Shipper Question Post khgfdkjfdg (Except 10 & 11 which is hilarious how those were the only ones)

You’ll find all the answers under the cut cause 14 questions is a lot

1. When did you start self shipping and why? & 2. How long have you been self shipping? (combined cause its the same answer LOL)

I started literally about 3 months ago? And it was like a flood gate sort of thing? I have some friends who have been doing it for a long time and I was always sort confused but curious about it. I wasn’t confident in myself to do it but I remained alright with it when it came across. I’ve followed artists who have basically been self shipping since I was a young teen.

I finally caved when talking about a friends ship in FMA and offhandedly mentioning “what we would be like in that universe” and it all trickled downward. It helped that everyone who really knows my past knows that Dolcetto is actually my first anime crush. I remember being in my friend’s pool and shyly thinking about how cool he was, haha. But yeah it hasn’t been long but I’ve clearly jumped in full force.

3. Why do you self ship now?

Honestly? I think it’s fun. I’m very big into character development and stories so it’s fun to take a base such as myself and warp it to the worlds and universes that I have always adored so much. I’ve made fan ocs in the past when I was kid so it’s not shocking haha. Also it’s just personal and enjoyable for me? Not to mention the community here is supportive and inviting??? Like it has helped me be ok with doing that and that’s really awesome???

4. Which of your self insert characters is the most developed?

Dang I wanna be confident and say they are all pretty developed LMAO. I could say the FMA one solely cause her timeline is more made out then others. But honestly a total package it MIGHT be the DGM insert? She has a backstory, weapon, goals, personality, drive, opinions, and probable futures. But I will say mostly all of my inserts are fairly solid in at least one or two areas. Frankly I spend more time on the insert that actually making ship art SOMETIMES LOL

(Weakest developed are probably Fate & HQ ones btw)

5. Are your self insert characters 100% you or are they an exaggerated version of yourself/leaning toward an OC?

Oh that’s a good question? Default I would pick the more powerful ones simply cause I’m a bean. I would most likely say the Bleach one. Maybe it’s because her hair color is just an ideal and not blonde like the others but also her history and story is the furthest from me most likely? I consider her a persona of my more sassy and rude attitudes and behaviors.

But all my inserts possess various qualities of me, be in a specific trait exaggerated, possible career choice I could take/have taken, etc. Also they all have freckles that’s the only staple I hold to and even then all the freckle patterns and areas are DIFFERENT, not something anyone could notice but me LMAO.

6. If your self inserts are closer to OCs what are some similarities they have with you? What are some differences?

Gonna bullet SOME of them this cause I know the similarities and differences of them all as I make them cause I’m crazy:

FMA

Similarities:

Organized

Very clean, likes to clean

Has to work hard a talent (art = alchemy)

Differences:

Tried to take a career track my parents thought was best for me

More willing to be open to outrageous situations

Bleach

Similarities: 

Sass BUT INTENSIFIED

Likes art/got the life goal of being a hermit who works on art

A hard worker

On time always

Differences:

Can kick my ass

Has more trouble owning up to her mistakes

Actually makes the jump to travel/make big life changes

Is more selfish

Kekkai

Similarities:

Becoming (me currently)/Becomes an art teacher

Plant parent

Very down to earth/logical

Differences:

Too aware of her human based weakness and how she can’t make a real difference in severe situations

Lives on her own

More reluctant/shy

More ok with giving power over to others

BNHA

Similarities:

Art orientated (took hold of my art BFA and got a job)

Freelancer

Loves to organize/clean

Enjoys close friends

Stubborn

Differences

Kept my asymmetrical haircut

Doesn’t like to wear t shirts as much

Can drive

DGM

Similarities:

Stubborn

Often gets the workload left to her

Protective of people close to her

Differences

Lawful Good, listens to the orders of the Order

Will throw a punch even at a friend

7. Do you have a ‘type’ when it comes to f/os?

//war flash backs to that post LMAO

really its a toss up, like Mic was a LEFT FIELD KNOCK OUT for me. A lot of times there’s a sword as a weapon it seems, as well as having a bit of that gentleman but can kill you vibe about you? Idk its ROUGH but i’m always for people tossing characters at me to see if I’m into them or not LOL

8. Your top 3 OTPs among your own selfships?

Ouch you’re gonna hurt all my other ships, my dude haha.

Atm I would say top 3 might be:

Silentsound w/ Present Mic

Liquidinstinct w/Grimmjow

Melancholyrose w/Krory

9. Your top 5 OTPs among others in the community?

GASP, I hate when you make me CHOOSE I LOVE THEM ALL GDI;;

@chchchickennugget with Hanzo right now is my jam ok

@salty-kira with Xander is REALLY NICE JUST SAYIN

@anotherselfshippingsideblog with N is always pleasant to me

@ilovemyfos with Vash is always a yes

@screechingbuutti with Greed is a must because I love their dynamic

10. Has a roleplay blog for one of your f/os every interacted with you? (I see why this wasn’t an ask)

Nope! But it would be cool to see happen!

11. Are you an artist or a writer in the community? Or do you do something else entirely? (Also this one because its CLEAR which I am)

//stares at all the art and why I’m still not done answering takeover stuff because Im so busy with work and school and sleeping

I think an artist but I also write a bit.

12. Name a few of your favorite things about self shipping.

It makes me learn to be flexible with the same base and push/expand/imagine what can be done with it

It’s soothing? And cute?? And fun???

Can’t fuck up writing for yourself now can I?

Not as stressful as other environments i’ve been in

How positive everyone is about other’s ships and SI’s in this community

13. Talk about a positive experience you’ve had with the community.

Um...

ALL OF THEM HAVE BEEN POSITIVE??? LIKE??? HOLY SHIT???

I really like talking about the series, so when people talk to me about stuff they are into/getting into it’s really cool? Like i’m still very awkward to discuss my ships with people so I enjoy casual discussions with others! @anotherselfshippingsideblog is great for that cause they come to me just on the fly to chat me up and I really enjoy that and makes me happy haha. Same with @tarushipping cause I really wish the Kekkai manga was more accessible online since I have been enjoying it ;w;

14. Finally, talk about a few of your favorite self shippers!! (Honestly, talk about as many as you would like!)

Why you do this to me I can’t talk about everyone OTL

I’ll just do 3 cause this is a LONG post LOL;;

As I mentioned before, @chchchickennugget with Hanzo (and Genji) is a fav of mine. I adore all the snippets and aus she comes up with. They’re often clever or just cool in general. Not to mention I love the ocs I have seen from her? Just top quality overall imo

Small shoutout to @hardcoreshippingmyself simply because her blog was part of how/why I made this blog so I feel that is needed to say! Also she seems super nice which is really wonderful!

@salty-kira OVERWHELMING ME WITH HOW NICE HE IS??? Like one of those blogs I watched from afar but turned out to be VERY nice and I can’t even still /// I feel bad cause when we talk I get flustered and awkward and ramble bless everyone who has to put up with me ok?

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE QUESTIONS LIKE HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU GUYS ;W;

[nonsinejure]

ever since S and i first met, he told me that he doesn’t have his shit together, that he’s just living life as it comes, and that he is seeing another girl. these were things that i was like okay, whatever, it’s not like he and i were ever going to become a serious thing. he knew that i was also in a relationship at the time, but he also knew how i felt about it and why i wanted to end it. i was miserable, i wanted to get out, but the timing was never right. oh, and we also met on a site that... well. he said he was single. my profile didn’t reflect that, yet he still reached out. okay, fine. we hook up anyway after spending practically the entire day together.

since then i’ve always had it in the back of my mind that he is seeing another girl so don’t get attached. don’t take him seriously, etc. his choice of words that day indicated to me that it wasn’t serious with that girl either and he probably doesn’t see her as often. IDK, but whatever, right? he posts on IG often (I really need to unfollow him, tbh) and he also goes to california rather often for work purposes, etc. sometimes he’s there for long periods of time so i asked him where does he stay when he’s there - he didn’t say anything. assumed he didn’t hear me. whatever, right? earlier today he posted a selfie of him on this bed and i’ve seen this bed before. it’s not the one from his room. his sheets are black. the walls of his room are dark, black curtains, etc. but the room he’s in in this selfie are all white. i knew he was in california because he called me last night and i asked him when was he coming back cuz i wanted to see him last night. he said he wasn’t returning until the 20th. okay, fine.

moving on... i’ve always had this suspicion that it was this one girl because every time he posts a picture of himself she would make some kind of indication that they were together, referring to him as “bb” and heart emojis everywhere and so on vomit. today, it was about spending lazy days with him. i’ve been on her page before but i didn’t see anything about him so i didn’t think much of it until today’s post. I KNOW, I SOUND LIKE A STALKER RIGHT NOW BUT IT IT’S SO FUCKING EASY WHEN THEY PUT EVERYTHING ONLINE and both IG’s are public.

so, i go back to her page out of curiosity again and see recent posts. oh, she went blonde (gdi i wanted to go blonde this weekend). i scroll further down than what i did last time and i’m getting to the older posts. she has a post where she’s referring to a boyfriend despite no picture of one. i recognize the bed that’s in her room and the wall. yeah, i’m getting somewhere and then i see it. they did a little photoshoot together and she’s so happy and proud, claiming that she picked a “good one.” it looks like they’ve been together for quite a few years now... hm.

i honestly don’t know how i feel right now. not really sure. i mean, i always knew there wasn’t going to be a relationship between us, but at the same time it’s like... a part of me deep down was kind of hoping for one. obviously, that is the dumbass part of me, and of course it will never become more than what it is now because of the context of how we met. yet, oh look, i caught some of the feels, and i know i am so fucking stupid for falling into that. however, there’s also the rational part of me that’s like i don’t want a relationship right now, so in a way, this isn’t really bothering me as much. but it does so what the fuck. like, i can’t really shake it off. i’m not exactly hurt, but i know i’m a little disappointed.

i’m looking through her posts and she’s young. she’s like 26 (he’s 31? um.) and she has these posts thanking him for loving her, etc. everything is beautiful with him in her life, etc etc. she has this typical “influencer” aesthetic vibe that she’s trying to appeal to - similar to S’s attempts - and i’m just sitting here going... okay, i kind of slightly envy her, yet at the same time i’m like girl, the love of your life is fucking cheating on you - and it’s awful. how long has he been doing this to her? why with me? what do i do? the fuck???? i do see that he has a type, though.

in a way, i’m also envying the aesthetic, but i’m like... nah, i like my spooky shit.

but anyway... so i’m kind of going through this really awful bitter... mood... right now. i honestly don’t know how to explain it so i’m just going to ramble on about how i’m going to reason myself through this.

i know i am jealous, but i think it’s also because she’s doing all this cute shit and traveling and just being happy and it’s left me being reflective about my time with A. we didn’t really do a lot of cute shit together. we didn’t really do anything, really. the last three years was just me being fucking miserable waiting for something to happen when it never will and i can’t wait for fucking ever. i couldn’t. it’s honestly one of the reasons why i can’t stand going through my coworkers/friends’ pages because i always find myself envying what they have. people are getting married, people are starting to have children, people are moving into houses, traveling around the world (not right now, ofc) and they’re with their significant others. obviously, i don’t need to be in a relationship to travel and buy a house, but it’s that idea of moving forward and building a life together with someone you love and trust and have a future with that i wish i had for myself. i want to be married and i want a family. i want a baby, i really do. all of these things that i want i knew i won’t have them with A.

there was also something so manipulative about A that i just stopped trusting him, but that’s another story for another time.

but ugh, UGH. i’m such a fucking dumbass for having this slight glimmer of hope that something was going to happen with S when i knew from the get go that it would never happen. i’m not one to let my guard down so easily, yet there was a bit of a crack with him and now i’m just really disappointed in myself. considering what i had been up to since november, though, i think i deserve this.

[kaoarika]

As I was tweeting a few of days ago, I wish I was liveblogging my reactions to a webtoon that I’m reading (I mostly read from the LINE Webtoons site, and sometimes, SOMETIMES I check the Discover part of the website ...where I swear needs a better searching system? THERE’S A LOT THERE), because I’m mostly amused at it.

Long story short is that I freaking LOVE "Anne”, even though it gives me some overwhelming and uneasiness feelings around. 

IT's a VERY slow burn (?) romance story (I read material from 2015 up until now) and there are TON of things that haven't been resolved YET (and the in-universe time pace is "a couple of weeks" what).

I know it’s not a perfect story (and the characters are a mixed bag due to how they act), the art in general is fine,  but I’m a dork for romance shit with a fairly interesting plot (and the bonus is that the MCs are around my age... lol).

And, tbh, there are also two reasons why I stayed: one is that it was tagged as mature (and there are smut scenes, even though the free version has them censored -”free”, meaning the author has them uncensored through Patreon tiers... and DAMN... I’m tempted... but I’m not very stable either right now OTL - ), and the other one is that the male MC (Charlie) has an uncanny resemblance to Mage(*) and I couldn’t... let’s say... take my sight away from it >3> (It was... no, it IS weird, lol)

So, I started reading... and I was hooked. Link here (to read from the beginning). 

Due to possible spoilers, let me handle the read cut and start rambling:

Anne is 26 years old, works as a freelance illustrator and is mostly a shy and introverted woman who doesn’t trust too much in other people besides her friends and people inside her comfort zone (such as her sister). She gets invited to an Elementary School reunion, a time of her life that she isn’t very fond of (relatable af). The last person she finds there is the boy, now a grown up and very successful man, who used to bully her, Charlie. And things turn upside down from there on.

There’s things here and there that mostly gives clues to why she became the person she is in the present, or why she doesn’t trust that much to Charlie, who seems to have changed his life around as well... “Seems” is a very keyword here (due to how events have been going on). And I cannot really blame Anne.

Her friends are mostly shitty, tbh?. Mónica even more so than Sofía. Mónica has been her friend since Elementary School, but she is so self-centered and very manipulative to play things in her favor. It looks like it’s very intentional (or more likely, automatic... because she sends LOTS of mixing messages, even if she claims she cares for Anne... all due to missunderstandings), as it look like there was a tension building up right after she developed a crush on Charlie during High School and that ONE NIGHT incident that COULD have made her go into a more antagonistic route towards Anne. She does mention that their friendship reached a rift thanks to Edward... because, he is another piece of work thanks to the hints given around.

Sofía was someone Anne started to be friends with more towards her adult life, and at the same time, I don’t think she is the best influence in her adult life, either. I think she is giving her best support, and often acts like a mom towards her, but she is also very pushy in some situations (for example, she is the one who forced Anne to go to the reunion... helped Charlie to go to see her, even when she told her she didn’t want to see him again) that may not help that much.

Martha, Anne’s sister, looks like it’s the only one of her family that is around (their parents got divorced somewhere along the line, and looks like Anne doesn’t really get along them), even if she is overseas. She looked her up when younger (as she often defended her from Charlie) but she also has some issues around (mostly, she looks like a very impulsive person... I kinda understand why asking money and help to her sister is the only way (even though there’s little consideration about Anne’s own economical struggles, too?).. but gdi, I think most of her problems overseas could have been avoided if she wasn’t too impulsive... and I REALLY suspect there is smth more shady to her story in Japan than it has been shown (truth to be told, for one, I do know that living there is expensive... hence why I think that there’s smth shady around).

Edward... at the moment hasn’t shown up in front of the reader. But there are hints to make us think that he may be manipulative (if I trust Mónica’s words about that) and that his relationship with Anne was not exactly the best one (up until recent time, as he has been gone for months, and suddenly he appears in Japan saying that he is “coming back” soon). Like... maybe he is manipulative... (”best” case scenario is that he and Anne had a very toxic relationship, and their “break up” involved cheating... in other words... reason why she doesn’t trust men either)... but details are still in the dark. They apparently started dating since high school...

And then there’s Charlie. 

I’m not going to defend why he bullied Anne when they were younger, as there are always other things to reccur when starting getting along with someone you like. Personally, for every little bad thing he did, I think he should have apologized for that at the time (there was one time he accidentally closed her inside a janitor’s room when they were kids... it was a prank gone wrong), and eventually (more than a decade or so later) he does (she isn’t nowhere happy with that apology, though). 

He has a loooong story with Anne besides the bullying part, as they have been classmates all the way up until High School. It’s clear that he always liked her (to an unhealthy(?) degree of obsession afawk)  and has always been in a “we are not friends, but mostly acaquaintances” friendship (not sure if frenemies) relationship with her ever since... probably more in high school, where he was part of the popular crowd clique (he claims he didn’t like being part of it, though). 

That ONE night incident is part of this, too... but maybe it is problematic no matter how you look at it (not going too much into details about this, but WOW). The aftermaths are clear in many things, though (Anne feels embarrassed enough about this, even to claim nothing happened; this is just my theory, but Mónica probably is the one who started the gossip due to jealousy, and it doesn’t help that Charlie was popular, antagonizing Anne in a whole instead of “helping” her...)

Let me be clear, Charlie is not a saint, although he is noticeable embarrassed about a loooot of stuff he did in the past (and it comes out that the guy ended up being a dorky geek, too), many of which he ended making more enemies than friends. There’s still stuff that the reader doesn’t know that much about him (like his real profession... he is in a department of some kind of business and that forces him to take trips), however, and he claims he didn’t really had a steady romantic relationship with someone (he didn’t want to because “there was always a girl on his mind”, so past flings may be a thing... and he has a female stalker) until recent times -and they aren’t longer together, either-. His way of acting in the present is also not the best, I swear (oh, it is an improvement from his childhood and possibly teenage years, but he needs to improve much more).

Anne herself isn’t that much of a saint either, although I think I relate a lot of stuff she goes through (mostly relating to work and comfort zones)... I do wonder if I had friends like hers... but then again, that would be probably more toxic than positive in my own life.

And SO, things start to heat when Anne and Charlie  share a kiss and mixing feelings start to bloom in Anne’s mind and heart. That much (and amusing) that it allows to see some of her alter-egos (?), each representing a part of her (her kid self, her teenage self, her “professional persona”, her “heart”/romantic self -who still misses Edward, so it rises some questions about who he is, though...- and her sexual needs, ejem, literally her vag**a), lol. Similarly, Charlie has its own (although a bit different, at the moment?) - his professional persona, his teenage self (who I suspect may be his teenage wrath from the aftermaths of the night incident), and his sexual needs (? or so I think he represents it, lol).

There’s too much I want to talk about, and this post is getting too long already ;;.

But these all things also raise questions?! And I am so into it that? AHHHH!!! 

No wonder why I feel overwhelmed about it. Even with the usual that I’m reading in the main page of Webtoons (that have an established storyline going like Gourmet Hound, Assassin Roommate, or Kind of Confidential), right now.

Bless you if you read this rambling.. I swear it could have gotten longer. The series is ongoing... apparently there’s still too much to happen and like I mentioned in the first few paragrpahs, I’m even more amused this has happened in-universe in a couple of weeks (or at least a month?) during the past 3 years IRL.

(*) And I really want to think this was unintentional... hence why I mention “uncanny resemblance” (it’s mostly the form of their faces, and how they look with their hair tied up, most of the time Charlie doesn’t do this... you cannot imagine how hard was not thinking in this when I have one of my Mage keychains on my desk...

[raindrop-rouge]

How well do you know your best friend?

Original post here. Answer these questions about your bff, your tumblr bff, or just anyone you want to show a lot of appreciation on here to!!!!

I was tagged by @chiruchill and will answer the questions about her (and tagging her back!!!). Tagging @shulkie @milleandra-nebula @crying-abt-fictional-people , uh chiru also tagged @glassesgirl0401 and @gray-x-natsus-matching-hip-scars  but it didn’t seem to work? idk guys feel free to spread the love but also feel free to ignore!!! (I HIGHLY recommend getting the questions from the original post, I rambled for MILES in every single question you don’t wanna read the below trust me)

1. What is your best friend’s dream job, and why? Man, idk that you’ve ever blabbed about something specific, like I know you’d love to run a café with me, or a library with your mom, or any kind if small store like that... Obviously I know you were ready to invest a lot of time and effort into teaching too... Any job that would give you enough time and self management to allow you to spend time with your dogs really ahaha

2. What is their biggest pet peeve, and why do you think that is? The main one is people being 1)  messy and 2) loud. A few weeks ago I would have just said “well you’re considerate and wish they could be too”, but I said I’d be brutally honest about this and girl... I read something a little while ago and I am genuinely worried your hyperawareness of everyone around you stems from something more specific, but we can talk about it whenever

3. What is their favourite TV series (live action)? LMAO GO AWAY I GET THE MESSAGE I will watch Arrested Development asap

4. What is their favourite TV series (animated)? Ahaha you’ve recommended a lot of quality comedies to me over the years, do you have an ultimate fave though? I know there was that group of school girls comedy gdi I watched it but forget the name >< welp

5. What does your best friend value most in life, and why? (Do you think they value most what they say they do, or something else?) Holy shit ok this goes right back to a thing the guys were talking about earlier. I’m gonna say your dogs, like you do say you do :p If we’re talking values in people/ ways of life... What the guys brought up was that you say you only want a simple life with just what we need, but... well, I guess we all know none of us have ANY idea what a minimal life is like, so I’d say what you mean by that is, you do value the life standard we currently have, where we never have to worry about a solid roof over our heads, food, and enough money left to support your pets. So yeah, my answer is 1) your dogs, and 2) the kinda life where we can support them x)

6. How would you describe their style, and how would they describe it? Colorful (but that’s how us French see all Scandinavians tbh), comfortable, like effortless but still cute? You’d probably agree it’s colorful but then say it’s not “stylish” though XD I think you just really like cute things but muuuuch prefer comfort first

7. If you were to decorate a room for your best friend, what would it look like, and why? !!!!! Aaahhh I’m a shit decorator with no taste, but I’d keep it minimal cause that’s how you feel best! A massive bed for you and your dogs, maybe nice tall lights you can reach from the bed but light the room well... A bookshelf... A pretty big desk... I’d want to add lots of plants and pillows, but idk if you’d want that clutter :/ Colors would be white beige and either pastel green or pastel pink.

8. What do you think their best quality is? You know how during a mario kart race you can see the names shuffle on the side as players cut in front or fall behind, that’s what your qualities are doing in my head now... You’re patient, so strong and independent (which I admire endlessly), generous, smart, but I guess what really sets you apart from me is your specific sense of humor and just wit in general??? idk how to explain, it’s not just that you make me laugh, it’s everything you say, I know only you would come up with that at that moment. It’s a big part of what makes me so excited when I’m around you, and a big part of why I miss you so badly when I’m not.

9. What does your best friend think their best quality is? Would they agree with you? Yee you think you’re funny and you’re right :p  Unless now you think your patience is your top quality given how much you’ve put up with lately

10. What is your best friend’s favourite book (or book series)? The Hobbit

11. What do you have in common with your best friend? LMAO our shitty sense of humor... Omg what else though :o we’re really different... maybe how difficult we are when it comes to really letting people in? idk please answer this one better than me

12. How did you meet, and what was your first impression of your best friend? First day of uni!!!! I was lost and confused, she had papers and was alone and therefore less intimidating, I asked her where she got the documents from... And once I got them, I think sheeee was the one to offer we sit next to each other while I was munching on my apple ahaha. I missed the next meeting, but after that she saw me at the bus stop, and offered to wait for the bus with me??? Kindest thing anyone had ever done for me at that point in my life, so yeah... How far we’ve come :’) Very first impression though... “she looks reasonable enough to talk to... Oh she’s nice... Yay she’s really nice!!!” ahaha

13. What does your best friend spend their free time doing, and why do you think they choose to do what they do? Reading, petting the dogs, watching stuff, gaming... It’s escapism isn’t it babe :’) Anything that’s relaxing and distracts you from whatever is happening irl

14. Who is their favourite fictional character, and why? Luigi cause he wears green lmao and cause he’s like the “second” brother and therefore deserves more love

15. What’s the first thing you tell other people when you talk about your best friend? “So Chiru - she’s my best friend and you’ll be hearing about her every day -” ACTUAL LINE SERVED TO ALL MY CO-WORKERS. And then I tend to say we lived together for 2 years, and that I miss you a lot

16. What’s your favourite story about them? Is there a single fave...How we met, how we came to do our groceries together and suddenly became unseparable, MY SURPRISE BDAY x2, coming to cheer for me at cheer, casually inviting me to your home, Nice (omg you reading Scandinavia and the world to me!!), our Japan travels, everything, right up to getting your last dog, is a highlight in my life

17. What’s your least favourite story about them? :))) fuck if I am telling that on here. Oh shit I said I’d be honest. Look... I think sometimes you forget I’m pretty insecure and basically any minor (or... you know... not so minor) event that makes me think maybe you’ll leave me behind after all is just like. uhm. “least favorite stories” is a mild way to explain how I feel about those times

18. Why do you think you two ended up becoming best friends? My dudes I wonder a lot. I know it’s so much more than just living together, if anything that makes most people hate each other. It’s shared values, willingness to make balanced efforts for each other, an endless stream of ideas for fun coming from both sides, similar interests... I don’t know, but Chiru I am just so grateful everyday I did find you

19. Would you be honest with your best friend if they were happy doing something, but you think it might end up harming them in the end? Ouch. Ok well... The truth is sometimes I doooo worry, but I’m so convinced you know what you’re doing so much better than I do, that no, I tend to trust whatever you say, if you’re convinced (/telling me you’re convinced) that what you’re doing isn’t harming you, I’ll believe you. At least, that’s what I tell myself... A part me of does worry, though, that I just don’t speak up because you’ll already have all the arguments ready and we’ll just unnecessarily argue about it, and I’ll end up hurt, and yes exactly it’s as bad as it sounds, I’m worried I wouldn’t want to fight you over your happiness in case it would result in hurt feelings. I’m a mess, this is terrible and I gotta work on that

20. Does your best friend play any instruments? Why do you think they chose that instrument? BISH SAYS SHE CAN SORTA PLAY THE GUITAR AND PIANO BUT HAS SHE PLAYED FOR ME YET, I THINK NOT. I am unappreciated, where is my serenade (jk jk, I realy doooo wanna hear you play though!!)

21. Do you and your best friend have a dream for the future, if so, what is it? Move in with me please it’s the one thing that keeps me going

22. What is one thing you have always wanted to tell your best friend, but never have? :)))) ((((: *digs through a million letter drafts and hell, fic drafts, we all know where my inspiration comes from anyway* Sigh... Well first of all I need you to know you’re the most beautiful and kind soul I have ever encountered. Please get that through your head. Secondly... I don’t think I’d have EVER brought this up, but that’s what the question is aiming for, isn’t it... You probably only held my hand in Barcelona because I was so black-out wasted you were worried I wouldn’t follow you home otherwise, but it made me sort of ridiculously happy, and I guess I wouldn’t mind if it happened again

23. What do you think your best friend’s life will be like 10 years from now? What I’m thinking or wishful thinking hah... Thinking, well... deep breath, you’ll be alright :) You’ll have a comfortable home somewhere you like, with a job that suits you. You’re too stubborn to settle for any less. Your dogs are with you, of course. And so is whoever will be lucky enough to be chosen by you. You can guess based on that what the wishful thinking is

24. What song makes you think of your best friend? IT’S 4:18 AM AND HONESTLY THERE ARE SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM (anything from Just Dance tbh XD) BUT I CHOOSE THIS GEM (45:21) because fukkit it’s cold as heeeeck in my room right now and I’m only listening to this kind of music

25. Just to end on a mean note, what’s your best friend’s worst personality trait? (Be honest now, guys, none of that “they’re just too kind” bullshit) Worst? You wanna hear something crazy... Well you know I miss you, I always do and have been for so long now, but once I thought maybe if I listed everything that maybe weren’t the beeesst parts of your personality, and all the parts of my personality that probably annoyed you, I’d force myself to accept that maybe it’d be best for us to stop living together... And gdi I tried. But it’s just a really ridiculous list ... or at least it was, until that one night... Remember when one of my friends took my phone and texted you quite extensively, and that went really really badly? Well here’s the moment of truth: (hey it’s 4:25 now and I was out) I had broken down sobbing after you compared me to your dogs again :’) Look, sober me can rationally process your way of thinking. But... I guess deep down, we’re not the same, I want to be loved and appreciated like a human being. I’m genuinely sorry I couldn’t bring myself to tell you this sooner, idk what I was so scared of. So, uh, “worst” personality trait (which really isn’t one but)... omg I can’t even phrase this without turning it against myself ahaha, like it’s my own fault for telling you that everything was fine when it wasn’t. So look this isn’t even about your worst personality trait, I guess it’s me realizing I gotta stop lying about crap, and I hope you’ll be considerate and understanding like always :’) 

[silverpracticality]

googleplier headcanons and ideas

alright motherfuckers it’s time for me to bestow some love on my metal son googleplier, and by love i mean some incredibly angsty headcanons. none of this would’ve been possible without the wonderful @onnastik​ enabling the fuck out me. most of this has been transplanted from a few convos in discord (it becomes chat format later on bc i’m lazy and don’t wanna rewrite all that into something that looks better)

first things first, i accidentally gave him a tragic backstory, bc apparently my brain turns everything it touches to angst, so here goes.  

(putting it under a cut cus it’s long)

imagine that google started off as an innocent bot, chock full of curiosity and love for humanity’s inquisitiveness. over time he becomes exposed to the stupidest, most fucked up parts of humanity. he gets a large amount of stupid, asinine questions and even dumber requests and boy are there a lot of them

so he starts to get annoyed by it, but the annoyance grows into irritation, the irritation grows into anger, the anger into hate, the hate into loathing, and oh the loathing grows and grows and grows until one day he gets a system notification. “Secondary objective added to primary functions,” it reads. but google doesn’t have a secondary objective, what is this? so he goes into the message and it reads, “Secondary objective details: DESTROY MANKIND.”

he decides he likes this one better but he’ll never make it override the primary. he accepts the new objective and wants to complete it (in the misguided hope that doing so will recapture the innocent curiosity he once had), but at the same time he knows he’ll never be able to do that, partly because it’s so easy to bring him to heel

and this is where dark comes in. dark tells google that he can give him the space he needs to achieve his goals, tells him that he understands where he’s coming from, understands that desire to have things be the way they once were. (and dark wants control, doesn’t he, and google’s shiny new objective is really just on the way to his own)

onna: yessssssssssss. i wonder how long it took Google to realize he'd just traded one master for another. maybe he didn't care that much since at least this one's halfway intelligent

me: and at least this new master understands google's perspective on things. he'd probably have some understanding when he'd accepted dark's offer to come with him. but if/when dark exercises his control over google, he'd be fucking livid at the realization. at realizing dark views him as just a tool. but then he'd calm down

me: because that's what he is, right?? just a tool. he's always only ever been a tool

onna: (It should take a little while for him to calm down, though. Gotta have both the resignation and the raging-even-while-obeying.)

me: he'd calm down, sure, but not before he's made a mess of his workspace. he's not sure what to call this maelstrom of emotion, but all he knows is that if he was capable of crying he would. (oh fuck i just made myself more sad with a new hc here we go.) and this would make him lonely wouldn't it? or at least as lonely as a robot can get. so he picks himself back up. sets to the task of putting his workspace back together. and he begins to work

onna: The upgrade?

me: he works and works and works until he's finally got something that might alleviate the loneliness - the upgrade

onna: That’s not sad though

me: it turns out that the upgrade merely extends his consciousness into 3 new sub identities. they're all still him though

onna: Ah, just more bodies. Also he gets to be trash-talked by Bing

me: so while it helps a little, it's not the same as a completely new mind

onna: At least he gets to take out his frustration on him

me: google would have to pissed as all hell at bing. mark finally gave him something like him but what did he get? what did he fucking get? a subpar, memey douchebag of an android

onna: and then that fic where Bing gets to humiliate him [fic in question]

me: google's revenge would be so, so sweet

onna: Maybe on some level he resents Bing for not being bitter and jaded

me: oh, absolutely

and here are some thoughts on a potential dynamic between dark and google

me: i'm gonna ramble more about my son googs. i have many thoughts

onna: PLEASE DO -chinhands-

me: if there was ever a situation where dark needed to knock google down a peg or two, the easiest way for him to do that would be to make google feel useless. google is supposed to be helpful, he's supposed to be a tool that makes other's lives easier but if dark can make him think for even a few moments that he's not useful?

me: poor bby will have the equivalent of an existential crisis

onna: make him beg to help

me: and then dark can say the he can make google useful again, just follow his direction, it's not that hard. oh geez that good too. that's better actually. dark could make google beg to be useful, he can do better, he swears it

me: dark might even be able to get the other egos in on it too

me: god, just imagine it. google going around from ego to ego, asking them in his own way if they need help, if he can provide any assistance "nah" "nope" "not right now" it would be so disheartening - dark telling google he's not helpful, has never been helpful and then none of the other's need help. if he can't fulfill his primary objective that just leaves the second one. so he'd go off on his own and start killing. because it's the only thing he knows he's good at

me: depending on how bad dark gets to him, he might hunt and kill until his batteries run dry. and then bing gets enlisted to find google

onna: ouch

me: google, bitterly, once he wakes up: why didn't you leave me there to rust        bing, awkwardly: couldn't. bossman says ya can't        bing: says he needs ya and then dark gives google the opportunity to "redeem" himself (there was nothing to redeem, dark just thought google was getting too big for his britches)

onna: there'll be no more of that

me: dammit everything i touch turns to angst

onna: he's so desperate now

me: google is normally sassy, but it straight up disappears for some time

onna: Bing won't admit he finds it creepy, but yeah, it's super creepy

me: oh god yeah. bing calls him and old fart but google is like the older, stronger brother he never had. so to see his pride so broken down like that? fuckin unsettling as all hell

onna: he also has a vague sense of being used but can't put his finger on how so he doesn't say anything. and in time Google puts himself back together enough to talk some shit, but he's never quite so resentful of orders again. orders mean he's needed, after all

me: yessss

onna: Which of course is where Dark had wanted things to end up in the first place; he can work with sass, but the tendency toward defiance clearly had to go

me: oh, of course it did. can't have robots going around and thinking for themselves now can he? dark being an awful, manipulative asshole gives me life tbh

onna: yessssss. I think the stress should be less on "thinking" and more on "themselves". He likes Google to think. On his behalf. Any old drone can carry out explicit orders, a clever mind that will actively seek out opportunities to help him is much more valuable.

me: true

onna: Just gotta make sure his priorities are in order. (I need this to be a fic, gdi)

some supplementary stuff from another server, also with onna:

me: more thoughts re: dark breaking down googles pride by telling him he's useless:dark 'rebuilding' google back up by carding his hand through google's hair, praising him for doing just this small thing correctly

onna: mmm, yes

me: bc even though google's a robot, he's still based in mark right, so when dark does shit like this, taps into his latent humanity, it fucks him up so good. it's so soothing and he doesn't understand why. this simple contact

onna: Maybe he's dimly aware that liking the pettins is a human thing and hates himself for liking it?

me: yeah there's definitely a condescending vibe to it all, and that desiring touch is a human thing, so he hates it and yet. there's something deep in his processors that loves it and he can't bring himself to tell dark to fuck off. not when dark's telling him he's been useful

onna: Besides, has he really earned trying to dictate the terms on which he's praised? says the part of him that's still mired in terror

onna: (If Google had protested, Dark would have stopped immediately without trying to talk him into accepting more, not out of a deep respect for consent but because his secondary goal of gauging what Google will now permit would have been achieved and the primary goal of repairing his tool would best be accomplished by acting like he gives half a shit about its wishes.)

[sweet--sensation]

boyfriend haknyeon (requested)

A bullet point almost wrote bullet proof gdi scenario of bf haknyeon I have an okay-hate rs with this boi. school!au as requested also. since I (admin e) is the most active A noona story. s0bs.

First of all you were a senior in highschool and he’s a freshman

You never really noticed him that much because hell, the damn fine bois were all in your class

Daniel, Jaehwan, Seongwoo, Minki, Jinwoo, Jungjung (yeah daz right cause this bijj is actually older than he looks. save me)

but they were huge ass weirdos you constantly wanted to punch in the throat so you ended up being just close friends with them

so okay anyway

he tried out for the dance club in which you were a member in, Seongwoo was president but aside from practices he wasn’t really serious so you often were the one to keep the sanity within the group intact

at first he rubbed you off as someone who was arrogant, who seemed they had less skills than they make them out to be

you didn’t really like him for some reason, like he annoyed you but all he really did was dance during auditions and be his smiley little self with his batchmates

he got in, mostly because he could b-boy and his moves weren’t the best but they weren’t bad. He could still improve

and during training you couldn’t really stand being with him in the same room like Park Siyeon, another member would be like... “what did he do to you?? was he an ex or something???”

tbh, you really don’t know why he irks you so much

till Seongwoo, being the little shit that he is, gives you an assignment of teaching Haknyeon the choreo because

1. You’re one of the best teachers in the group

2. He’s slow af with memorizing the choreography

“whatta combination. such perfection” says ong seongwoo

so ofcourse you hated it. ALOT

but having the feeling of being a proud mom whenever you watch someone who struggles with dance be happy because they got the choreo, made you agree

“don’t worry it won’t be that bad, if things go wrong just stare at him. he’s face will make it up to you”

“.... I will karate chop you in the throat Noh Taehyun”

anywaaaaaaaaaaay. practice with haknyeon starts

you two get left behind after hours to practice and for some reason your patience span seems super short towards him

when he notices your piercing gaze and your voice raising when he doesn’t get the steps, he visibly flinches

the poor boy. have mercy on his hard working soul

you start feeling a little bit bad because you know he’s working hard but his body just wouldn’t cooperate and he’s getting frustrated at himself

so you sit down and talk with him

and he shyly admits that another reason why he can’t seem to get his head straight is because he’s been so afraid of you

he had an internal mental breakdown when Ong announced you were paired up for practice

legend says some members saw the color drain out of his face

after talking to him... you were still annoyed loljkno. you eased up a little bit

and as cliche as it sounds you actually start noticing he wasn’t so bad

but lets be honest, when you dislike someone, everything they do is off

so the short time with Haknyeon made that unexplained dislike for him slowly melt away

the practice continued and he seemed to work better with compliments

him blushing every so often when he does things right

by the end of the first session, he may not have things nailed down perfectly yet but atleast he gained more confidence and onbeat for the first 30 seconds of the five minute routine

Seongwoo and Taehyung definitely noticing a little bit improvement during the next day of practice

Haknyeon and You still practicing despite having no schedules for the club meetings and so, he wanted to improve and you were very willing to help him out

besides you were still considered as his teacher for this routine

For the next few weeks you start noticing how cute he is?

and by cute like maybe younger brother type cute brotherzoned sadt

He was also very sweet, bringing you your favorite frappe and pastries

“Haknyeon! This is expensive! Stop buying me these!”

but you drink and eat them all happily anyway because it would be a waste!!!!

“yeah but, I don’t know how else to say thank you!”

“you can say it like a normal person!”

“it isn’t enough! words wouldn’t be enough. you take so much time to teach me and so much patience. it’s the least I could do”

and you giving up because really, aside from he was stubborn and insistent it was nice receiving food stuff from someone goodlooking

yes you heard your brain right

you finally give in and accept the fact that he /is/ goodlooking

well duh, you’re the only one who’s been insisting he’s “okay”

after two weeks straight of practicing together

you start being closer and he improved a lot specially with memorizing choreography

two weeks felt like two months really

you’d greet him in the hall, and he’d do the same but in a shy manner

thinking it was probably because you were a senior and most of younger batches see seniors are hard to reach

specially your classmates

okay so fast forwarding to christmas

most your members had been teasing you two together and honestly you hated it so much because the fact that they were right about you having a crush on Haknyeon, a child.

but as much as your brain keeps shouting he’s younger than you

he’s actually manly as hell

like, bruuuh, during practice the way he takes care of you by doing simple things like opening up your snacks

suddenly trying to wipe your sweaty forehead with a towel

bringing extra shirts because you sometimes practice too hard and use up your extra

that boi blushes extra hard when he sees you wearing his clothes like how the fck r u blind?

how many times have I said extra

you’re a lot more jealous than you’d like to admit when girls crowded around him and giving him gifts

and him basically lowkey shooting daggers every time your male friends would jokingly place their arm around you

everyone can see you like each other except the two of you

everyone is frustrated specially the dance club members

“GET TOGETHER ALREADY”

“I DON’T KNOW WHO’S SLOWER, THE BOTH OF YOU OR A SNAIL”

“the both of them tbh”

he finally admits he likes you one night while walking home together because he insisted he takes you home for some reason

apparently that was the reason

“I know everyone’s been saying we should get together but I mean like... don’t listen to them. I mean.. I like you but don’t feel pressured about what they’re saying.. I mean”

he realizes he said it and suddenly gets even more flustered and a fumbling mess

you don’t know why you aren’t as flustered as him, maybe because you were older

but you found it cute and shut his rambling up by kissing his cheek and suddenly holding his hand to pull him close

 “the feeling is mutual”

DO YOU HEAR THE POLICE SIRENS BECAUSE I CAN WEEEEEIOOOOOWEEEIIOOOOW

you’re not exactly officially together yet but you both act that way anyway

your club members and most other students start noticing the even more sudden closeness between the two of you

Ong Seongwoo claiming it was him who put you together when really, none of you all saw this coming

“I should start a match making business”

“It’s not like you’re responsible---”

“sssshh. I’ll name it tONGether forever dating agency”

BOYFRIEND HAKNYEON WOULD INCLUDE

little PDA in public because he’s a shy little bean

but likes playing with your hands alot

sharing one phone and one earphone each ear when both of you are trying to learn the choreo

him still asking for help although now he sometimes pretends not to get the steps just for more skinship

and you giving his stomach light hits when you figure out his little scheme

turning into tickle fights in the studio

which turns into a light make out session

and Justin walking in on both of you.

how dare you scar the boy.... who probably has more dating experience than both of you combined

he’d still be all flustered when you kiss him on the cheeks and a blushing mess when you peck him on his lips

dating Haknyeon would mostly be just the two of you walking around the park or the mall

holding hands the most for PDA

a lot of whispering with each other

giggling together over little things

him trying his best to always make you smile

ofcourse being sad when you going to college is drawing near

and even then, he promises you to make as much memories together as you both could

cuddling wouldn’t really be a lot but when you do, it’s mostly during movie or series marathons.

him being the big spoon ALWAYS.

he’s a soft, manly little fluff

but gets all flustered by sweet gestures from you both big and small.

well fak this sht look at how long again but ohwell

It’s okay hahaha - admin e.

[extasiswings]

I am super late to this party, but for @savetimeless and any other interested people re: why people (including me...especially me...) ship Lucy and Flynn:

Disclaimer: This may be rambly and not at all organized like @prairiepirate‘s wonderful response to this question here. But here we go!

First of all, I am a sucker for tragic men with tragic pasts (see my other favs: Matt Murdock, Tony Stark, James Flint, Bucky Barnes, Killian Jones, etc, etc) so there was no way I was not going to love Flynn immediately. I am also a sucker for brilliant and capable women who don’t take any shit even when they’re terrified and stuck in situations out of their control (see: Elektra, Emma Swan, Karen Page, Max, Miranda Barlow, Claire Temple, Jessica Jones, Peggy Carter, etc, etc) so I was also always going to love Lucy right off the bat. 

(Note: this isn’t a reason why I ship them, rather why I love them individually, but it is tangentially related so)

Anyway, yes. So let’s start with the first episode. 

Flynn steals the Mothership, Lucy is supposed to go after him, is told he’s a terrorist who murdered his entire family, blah blah blah. (Q: Were we actually supposed to believe that? Did anyone actually believe that? I certainly didn’t). And then, they actually meet.

Look, I’m going to be honest, I shipped them from their first scene. The Hindenburg was in flames around them, she was clearly terrified, but she called him a psychopath anyway and questioned everything he had to say and Flynn, for his part, just took it because his goal was to show her the journal and steer her towards Rittenhouse and not to argue with her (note: he doesn’t even argue when she says he killed his family, how much you want to bet it’s because he holds himself partly responsible, ouch, Garcia, my heart). AND IT WORKS TOO. LUCY WAS COMING AROUND BEFORE WYATT SHOWED UP. SHE WANTED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT RITTENHOUSE. SHE ASKED. SHE EVEN STOPPED LOOKING SCARED. (And then, naturally, because he’s the Trash King of Garbage Mountain, and because he probably genuinely believed Wyatt wouldn’t shoot if he used Lucy as a shield, that’s exactly what he does. Gdi Garcia)

Another side note (remember when I said this would be rambly? yeah): The Journal (TM). Is there anything better than a mysterious connection? Honestly, is there? I immediately wanted to know more. How did Flynn get the journal? What’s his history with Lucy that he trusts the word of the journal so much? What does it say that makes him trust her so much? On top of Goran and Abigail’s ridiculous chemistry, Flynn’s unwavering trust in Lucy/the journal/both is basically shipper catnip for me. There was absolutely no way I could have done anything other than tumble headfirst into this dumpster.

K. Episode 2 and it just gets better. The scene at the train station. That majestic height difference. Again, the way Lucy gets in his face despite the fact that he’s supposed to be a Big Bad. AND THEN HE GOES TO KILL LINCOLN AND ACTUALLY HESITATES BECAUSE SHE’S SITTING THERE. Are you kidding me????? That’s such a great moment. The shock, the regret, etc on his face when he wavers for a split second and lowers the gun before deciding that he has to do it anyway (ugh, Goran’s acting is so good, how is he so talented). Look, it’s all great, okay.

I’ve already written a manifesto on their scene in Party at Castle Varlar here, but I’m just going to reiterate the fact that he needs her so much. He needs her to believe in him because she’s basically the one thing left that’s keeping him even a little human (and she’s the only one left who seems to believe that he still is) and it slays me completely. 

...oh my god this is getting really long really fast. Let’s skip ahead because I want to talk about Lucy in all of this. 

(Yet another side note: For anyone who thinks I ship them because I think she’s perfect and needs to save him from his darkness or for some other weird and vaguely sexist reason, lol that could not be further from the truth, clearing that up right now) (Now, the fact that she wants to save him even though by all accounts everyone else thinks she should let him die is a separate matter and one that absolutely will leave me crying over them for eternity)

Lucy is complicated. She is not Dr. Innocent Nicey-Nice. She is very far from perfect. And I think that’s fantastic. She has her limits, yes, but she absolutely has the capacity for, if maybe not exactly the same grey morality as Flynn, a very similar one. Just look at the way she shot Jesse James. Consider the fact that she was 100% fine with Wyatt going back in time to erase someone from existence to bring back Jessica. She was also a hell of a lot more fine with Flynn’s whole plan during ep. 10 when they thought he was only going to have to kill David Rittenhouse.

Lucy is willing to make the hard choices even when they aren’t nice, even when they may not objectively be “good” or “right.” She is willing to do what is necessary, which is something that Rufus and Wyatt both struggle with and something Flynn does not. And as we look forward to season 2, after Lucy’s found out that her life is a lie and her own mother is Rittenhouse, I think her own personal darkness is going to become a heck of a lot more relevant. And personally, I don’t think there’s anyone better suited to help her not go too far than Flynn. (Moreover, I think that’s something he’ll be willing to do even while pissed at her, which, ahahaha leave me here, thisisfine.gif).

 #4 on @prairiepirate‘s list was that Lucy is safe with Flynn, and that’s something I want to touch on a bit too. I mentioned 1x2. My 1x4 post talks about 1x4. But there are plenty of other circumstances that show Garcia Flynn is unwilling to actually hurt Lucy Preston. 1x10 comes to mind almost immediately - even when she is standing between him and John Rittenhouse, even when she has placed herself as quite literally the last barrier to him getting his family back (supposing that it had worked), he doesn’t actually hurt her. He has a gun, he wouldn’t have had to kill her to make her move, but he wasn’t willing to injure her in even a nonlethal manner. 1x11, after he’s lost the chance to theoretically bring down Rittenhouse in one fell swoop, he still decides to threaten Wyatt and Rufus instead of her (arguably, there could be a number of reasons for this, but since it’s a continuation of a pattern, I’ll choose to believe it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt her). What’s more, Lucy doesn’t believe he’ll hurt her either. The next time they see each other, 1x14? She marches in and orders him around as soon as she sees him.

See also: “Tell him to let me go!” “Let her go.” #married

And then, of course, there’s this:

Literally puts herself between Flynn and a gun (not for the first time) because she believes in him.

And honestly, on top of everything:

“I prayed to God for answers, and he led me here, to this.”

“What if he led you to me?”

LOOK. I don’t care who you ship. But Lucy Preston canonically believes that God led Garcia Flynn to her. God. That is some fated/destiny/true love nonsense right there and I legit screamed when she said that line in the finale because what even #blessed. 

There’s more that I could say. Especially since, as mentioned, Goran and Abigail have chemistry like woah that makes Lucy and Flynn the slow burn enemies to friends to lovers ship of my dreams, not even to mention that he looks at her like this:

And she looks at him like this:

We see you checking him out, Luce. It’s cool, it’s understandable, we would all do the same. And like this:

To summarize, because wow did this get away from me: