#why do all my favourite things have to HURT ME SO MUCH god im so upset.

[engagemythrusters]

so camping not only destroyed all of my self-worth but also my neck and now im having yet another flare

[ninyard]

nin reads the bonus chapters pt. 2 (TRK Edition)

Betsy's chapter (oh god this is basically going to be me quoting the whole thing)

Andrew pointed at him and turned a scandalized look on Betsy. "Working theory: Coach is allergic to sugar!" "How ghastly," Betsy said.

them! him looking at her like that. the banter between them. i love him i love her their dynamic is just my favourite thing ever pls

She half-expected him to sit as far from her as he could, but he took the chair at her side and spun his mug in lazy circles on the table.

sobbing. this is so soft

Andrew laughed and gave an exaggerated shrug, only to wince and reach for his bandaged temple. "Ouch," he complained cheerily, a second before digging his fingers hard into the gauze and tape. Betsy tapped the table in front of him in warning. He sighed like her request for restraint was unbearable but held onto the chair between his knees instead.

1) ouch. i feel ill 2) CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE TAPPING TO STOP HIM HURTING HIMSELF!!!!! CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW WE NEVER REALLY SEE ANDREW AS SOMEONE WHO HURTS HIMSELF BUT IN THIS CHAPTER WE DO?? IS IT BECAUSE HE CAN LET HIS GUARD DOWN IN FRONT OF HER?? IS IT SOMETHING SHE HAS TO STOP OFTEN??? PUKING 3) him holding onto the chair is so cute

Betsy kept her tone gentle like it would somehow make her next question less terrible: "Did you let them run a kit, Andrew?" "No choice, Bee." Andrew said, with a put-upon sigh.

PUKE

Betsy was less interested in his aggrieved front than she was in what his hands were doing: Andrew was dragging a thumb up and down his left forearm is short, agitated jerks. The force behind it would have torn skin if his sleeves weren't there to take the brunt of it. Betsy tapped the table again, and Andrew obediently reached for his mug with both hands.

PUKE_2

"You might not have noticed, but he and I look a lot alike! They'll look at him and see me, and we both know how little they think of me. Have to stack the deck in his favor somehow."

this hurts so badly. him doing the kit for aaron. him feeling like aaron's odds at getting out of this are fucked up because of him. him feeling like he has to do everything he can to fix this for aaron. PUKE_3

"I know how invasive a procedure it can be, especially on the heels of such violence." And there it was at last: A subtle chink in the armor his withdrawal was tearing away from him. In a year and a half of treating Andrew, she'd never seen him so still. [...] If she was kinder, she would leave it at that, but Andrew would react worse to being coddled than he would to what she needed to say.

PUKE_4 also,,, am i allowed to say how im obsessed with how accurate i've managed to get my fic about andrew and bee. like that last line hellooooo

"I don't imagine you allowed it last time." [...] How Andrew reacted - how much he would admit to, how much he would trust her in the wake of such trauma - was too important. "Oh, Bee," Andrew said, with a laugh she didn't at all believe. "You assume they were stupid enough to get caught."

why did she write this. was it specifically to hurt me because she won. it worked. also the fact that andrew feels comfortable enough around david to have this conversation with him in the room makes me feel insane

"Are you and Neil not getting along?" Betsy asked. David sent her a look of pained incredulity

he's like girl please don't tell me you ALSO haven't noticed. he literally can't believe he's the only one that's picked up on it. he's like youre his THERAPIST what do u mean are they not getting along

okay this next part i literally have so many thoughts i meant it when i said i was basically going to put this whole chapter here

"We have spent too much time together if you are so reckless," Andrew said, figeting with the bandages on his face again. "Lot of eyes, Bee, so many eyes. I do not think they will care about insomnia when they finally have the chance to nail us to the wall. Better safe than sorry, yes? They cannot keep him. I will not let them."

god once again the way he want to do everything he can to get aaron out of this whole situation. and just... him knowing how many people are going to be looking at him and reading him and everything just. hguhsudfusdfkgsd

Betsy put a finger to the tape at his cheekbone in silent questioning but waited until Andrew dropped his hand before trying to peel the gauze up. She sucked in a slow breath through gritted teeth at the stitches and bruises along his temple.

so gentle. so much trust and care and i feel SICK

"I didn't even get to keep it," Andrew complained. "How stingy. I've never tried brandy."

not him saying this about the bottle Drake hit him with. ANDREW

"You have done astoundigly well despite life's every attempt to crush you. I'm sorry," She said, trying and failing to catch his eye. "and I'm so, so proud of you."

sobbing

finally the words crawled out of him: "Everyone knows now, Bee." And that, she thought, was the harsh truth he would medicate to avoid processing. Not his uncle's betrayal or Drake's violence, but having his violation broadcast against his will to a family he wouldn't let go of and wouldn't let in. [...] Betsy would have gone to him if she wasn't so sure he would retreat.

SOBBING

"Who fears the monster that knows the taste of a whip?" Andrew asked.

literally puking. how beautiful and heartbreaking and such a horrible heartbreaking look into the way andrew views himself. this HUUURTS

"You could be their friend, their cousin, their brother. Don't you think you deserve that?" "Oh, Bee," Andrew said, a little too tired to be pitying. "With him on our heels?"

okay y'all gotta help me. is this about. drake? or like... who's him referring to

"Maybe letting her choose isn't the best idea." David said. Betsy put a hand over her heart. "David, you wound me." "Bee likes musicals," Andrew announced brightly, though David had found that out the hard way.

BETSY DAVID FRIENDSHIP I NEED ITTTTT

David waited until his back was turned before nodding an okay to Betsy. Trusting he would keep a discreet eye on her most precious charge, Betsy collected her keys and purse and left the house.

HER MOST PRECIOUS CHARGE

anyways! this chapter destroyed me and put me back together again! and i feel ILL after reading it! :D

[greeen-bean]

Day One:

First annotation I made was "AHHHH LETS FUKING GOOOO"... So

I always loved how they (Francis specifically) addresses the aftermath of the fire from solitaire because that was basically all I was thinking about, peoples work still being in there, having to change schools, etc, etc

Also love that it starts with Carys - She haunts the narrative so well <3<3<3

This book is sooooooo 2016 and I cant figure out if that a good or bad thing - its a time capsule

I cannot wait for Francis' world to crumble around her ahhhhhh she's so mentally ill bbg its okayyyy

I am going to come out and speak my truth! I do not know how to pronounce Francis' last name. When I first read the book the dyslexia kicked in and I read it as "Janiver" (Jan-i-ver) and when I finally realised I was wrong it had stuck

Under the "I felt fine because I was born for this" I wrote "Frowen?" and stand by it

I drew a heart around Daniels name the first time it was mentioned, just encase there was any confusion on who my favourite character is

LOVE Francis' mum!!! like the old people in IWBFT I love the parent mentions in this

Francis mentions people thinking she's Spanish for being mixed race and doing Spanish GCSE and I wrote "Bilingual/Bisexual queen" but I did/do not know how to spell bilingual so I wrote "Bilingwil" and again, I stand by it

Aled and Francis are SOULMATES your honour - the way she talks about the narrator having a soft voice that got her hooked on the show GOD they're in loovvvveeee

Francis is out to get Daniel!! Grabbing him, someone who is actively not her friend, so hard it hurts to then tease them with interesting information about you that seeming they would not care less about only to not even tell them when they ask, diabolical!! I love them

I am dan, dan is me (bar all the smart people shit) like he lives in my head and says my thought

ALEDDDDDDDD - I love love love how Aled in introduced in this book like ahhhh it sets him up so perfectly to then show who he really is (More on this in a different post)

the idea that everyone who knows Daniel knows of Aled because they are "inseparable" drives me crazy (in a good way) because it kinda probably unintentionally shows the differences of how they view their relationship (more in a separate post)

Francis: And you said yes [to saying the speech]? Aled: Yes F: Why? D: Because he's a turnip A: Yes ONE OF MY FAVE LINES YGIUIOKJBHVGCTDR^TUHJH

The seeds of Aled having to do things from some unknown pressure - its COOKING

Francis' mums switch up from being worried to telling Francis to do the universe city thing after finding out she wasn't going to do it, BAMF BEHAVIOUR

"I always wished I had a hobby" Girl what was that whole last chapter about then????

Have soooo many thoughts about Francis putting all her worth into her academic success specifically as someone who was not good at school, but again, separate post

the seeds of Francis becoming self aware whooooo

Oh the autism of it all (about being worried of being exceled socially from people you don't even like -but really all of it)

Francis says the gayest shit - just wait till she's talking about Carys

Loooovvveeeeeee Raine actually so much

AHHHHhh the perseption Francis has on Aled and Daniels relationship it !!!!! im !!!!!!! INSANE COO COO CRAZY INSANE

Did Francis know she was bi when she met Carys? Cuz if she didn't...babe i have news for you

"The sun silhouetted her like she was a heavenly apparition" Uhu.....uhu....sure

Okay right! Carys' vice it described (again, its very gay to take this much note of a persons voice, Francis) as "posh London Made in Chelsea accents" so then WHY does Aled have a Welsh accent in the Nick and Charlie audiobook?!?!!? WHERE DID IT COME FROM!??!?!?! (I know he's Welsh but he grew up in fucking Kent stfu)

Computer with a sad face mention whoooooo

Aled is soooooo messy for how he acts around Francis - not to victim blame but DUDE what were you expecting to happen

Dan being like "oh... Francis... I didn't know you were here..." after making eye contact with her is CRAZy - Francis is right what is his damage

Daniel/Francis beef will ALWAYS be famous to me

Again, Aled, I do fear this is actually all your fault

[vanishingcherry]

Hey!!

I saw your post about the Instagram au thing.

Could I please have Lando Norris with the face claim @lanipliopa on Instagram (she's so pretty :D)

If your open to specific things, the only things I ask about it is that you pretty please include the photo of lando and luisinha where their at the sand dunes about to kiss??

Also anything to do with yn and Daniel Ricciardo being besties is would absolutely love!!

Thank you so so much :)

hii! she is so pretty omg, here u go <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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landonorris happy new year 🧡

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yourusername ❤️

mclaren heres to '23!

↳ liked by landonorris

landofan4 OH MY GOD THAT PICTURE OF LANDO AND YN

yourfan2 they are both so pretty its unfair

f1 check out lando's highlights on the f1 website!

carlossainz55 so thats why you weren't picking up my call

↳ landonorris no it was because your annoying me

yourusername love you so much, happy new year!

↳ landonorris ❤️

landofan3 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

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yourusername 2022 was one of the most amazing years of my life. i got to travel the world, meet new people, reconnect with old friends and just enjoy. to everyone in my life, thank you, all of you hold a special place in my heart. finally, to lando, i dont have the words to describe how much i love you, just know you hold a bigger place in my heart than everyone else.

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landonorris i love you so much darling, dont know what life you be without you ❤️

landofan1 thats such a cute picture of lando omg!!! happy new year y/n!

landoandynfan HOW ARE BOTH OF THEM SO PRETTY

danielricciardo @.landonorris why didn't you write a nice caption in your new years post

↳ landonorris shut up mate. you didn't even make a post

↳ yourusername answer the question lando.

↳ landonorris im sorry baby, ill do better next year

landonorris my girl is so pretty

yourfan1 LMAO NOT LANDO SPAM COMMENTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS CAPTION

yourbff why didn't i get a special shoutout? i think i deserve one for putting up with you

↳ yourusername sorry @.yourbff ! i love you so much (sometimes more than lando) and its crazy that you've actually stuck with me through it all. cant wait to spend time with you in 23. i love, love, love you.

↳ landonorris i take offense to that

↳ yourbff good

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yourusername happy anniversary lovey <3

comments on this post are limited

landonorris you just had to choose the photo where my face looks weird

↳ yourusername ofc baby, love you.

danielricciardo ew why are you matching?

↳ yourusername ew why are you not?

yourbff so cute!

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liked by yourusername, mclaren, f1 and 2,948,354 others

landonorris to the most beautiful girl in the world, heres to one year! I love you so much and can't wait to spent the rest of the year loving you.

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danielriccardo not you trying to make up for your new years caption

↳ landonorris go away

↳ yourusername hes not wrong

ilovelando AH SHES SO PRETTY

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yourfan4 lando and yn >>>

yourusername love you!! ❤️😘

landofan2 UGH THEIR SO IN LOVE IT HURTS

mclaren favourite couple 🧡🧡🧡 see you on the grid @.yourusername

↳ yourusername can't wait!

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[17magpiesinatrenchcoat]

Hello I would like to ramble about 9 sols… I’ve almost finished it and would like to talk about it :D feel free to yap with me in the comments too, none of my friends have played it yet so it would be nice to talk to someone about it hehe (in absolutely no order whatsoever)

‼️LOTS OF SPOILERS BEWARE‼️

ohhhhhhhh I LOVE THE MUSIC ITS SO GOOD…. no1 video game ost enjoyer here and I can say it’s so so good;; so many of the songs made me go :00 ITS SO GOOD

I’ve seen people complain about the dialogue and tbh I don’t get the complaints at all;; I LOVE the dialogue and I think it adds a lot and it’s a very good way to tell the story the game is telling and the people who whinge about it are stupid tbh I feel like people often confuse creative decisions they personally don’t vibe with with actual flaws which is really annoying like. man

aghhh SO MUCH LORE I love all the lore I want to know more…… oh but man. hearing about all the solarian’s rich history,, and knowing that ultimately they were doomed to extinction by one idiot is;: oh man. It Hurts

OHHHHH HOW I ADORE THE THEME OF HOW RAGING AGAINST THE INEVITABLE WILL ONLY CAUSE HARM… literally all the things that went wrong in the story are from people trying to run away from death. but sometimes the only thing left to do, and the right thing to do, is to let go. ohhhhhh indie games about death and letting go how I adore you so

lady ethereal made me so fucking sad like. literally everything she ever did was to try and help her people but it all went so so wrong. the road to hell is paved with good intentions, truly. god her storyline hurts so bad. Im very glad yi could give her closure so she could move on,, also her section was by far my favourite ITS SO GOOD RAHHHHH

THE FENGS MADE ME SO HORRIBLY SAD TOO;; I hated them at first, I literally said “eat the rich” lol but. that was before I saw their final cutscene they’re so :(((( they didn’t deserve this. poor fuwa man im so sad I felt so so bad for her by the end

also their district was. oh my god it’s so eerie it made me so viscerally uncomfortable I was so on edge the entire time I was there… goddddd it’s so haunting holy shit the solarians are beyond doomed

I LOVE HOW THE PAVILLON REALLY BECOMES A HOME it’s so fun to see and I really love all the roomies<3 I wanna be friends with kuafu

ohhhhhhh shuanshuan totally reminds yi of heng huh…. ohhhhh that’s so tragic oh the tragic doomed siblings <//3 IT HURTS SO BAD THE LAST THING HE EVER SAID TO HER WAS SO HORRIBLE AND IYS JUST AUGHHHH,,,, HE NEVER EVEN GOT TO SEE HER AGAIN AFTER THAT,,, sorry im so incoherent I. They just make me so horrifically sad

OH OH this is the first game that made me say “what the fuck” out loud 10/10 lol (it was the guy you behead in the prison) AND SPEAKING OF THE PRISON god I felt so fucking bad for yi that entire section. the way he just falls pathetically if you try to dash oh my godddd :((

why did jiequan act so weirdly flirty towards yi. like huh is there something you wanna tell us dude (also side note: why do people ship them I would appreciate if someone explained bc I don’t get it at all HHHRHSHS or maybe it’s just because it’s not the type of ship that appeals to me at all,, hm)

JI IS SO FUCKING COOOOL HES DEFINITELY ONE OF MY FAVS;; suicidal immortal is such a tragically good character concept that should definitely be done more often I think (in fact, I want to make an oc like that) god I love him he’s so horribly tragic too EVERYONE IS SO TRAGIC and I really like how he’s so friendly towards yi it’s weirdly sweet… and his boss theme being named long awaited death AGHHHH……..

his zone makes me want to bash my head in tho. like genuinely I was ready to tear my hair out this game was made for smarter people I fear

oh and how I love yi’s character development so so much.. he went from straight up torturing the first sol he fought to really not wanting to fight them at all. even the fengs who he seemed really annoyed by,, he seemed genuinely sad by fuxi’s condition;; GAHHH morally grey character AND redemption arc this is the best of both worlds, he’s such a fascinating character I love him dearly <3

man I fucking hate eigong. imagine being the dumbass to literally doom your entire race bc you wanted to be immortal like 💀💀 girl……. also I know she gets Worse too so I wanna see what’s that about

I love yi did I mention I love yi he’s such a great character

ohhhhh that one sequence where you run across the invaded village to save the apemen and the MUSIC;;: one of my favourite sequences in the whole game man it was so goddamn cool

ok im all out of yapping now lol DO TALK TO ME IN THE COMMENTS IF YOUD LIKE ok goodbye 🫶🫶🫶

[sunshines-child]

*spins dramatically in chair* god im so tired. sunny ur children have taken over my prefrontal cortex its not funny anymore.

partner in crime - madilyn mei: screams luc to me thinking of his little dove, but also from theos angsty teen perspective. the song fits them both almost like a back and forth conversation (i might make a post actually this is genius lmao). actually now that i think of it it fits u too lol (it has that vintage circus vibe if u will)

why good people become monsters: video essay of sorts exploring the lucifer effect (nuff said lol), but i recommend reading the comments for more insight and perspective. the art and presentation is slightly unsettling and i love it.

random quotes i from the top of my desktop notes: (long read sorry)

"he had all his mother's vivid imagination and passionate love of beauty. Frost of winter, invitation of spring, dream of summer and glamour of autumn, all meant much to Walter." - rainbow valley, l.m montgomery

-> luc and mercy change my mind (u cant hehe)

He said: “Only God can Judge a monster like that… I just set up the appointment”

-> my boi armund snaps (and snaps someones neck oop-)

“hell is empty, all the devils are here” - the tempest, shakespeare

-> this is definately written somewhere on altis lol

… as John [Lennon] told Rolling Stone magazine in 1970, “When it gets down to it, when you’re drowning, you don’t say, ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,’ you just scream.”

-> theo fighting his demons and losing :') eventually leading to some fall out with daddy dearest.

"It brings me so much joy to watch someone else get staggered by the full range of human degeneracy. We really do be wildin." - a yt comment lol

->i like to think that while both luc and altis kill in cold blood, for titi its another day job or whatever but for luc he thinks a lot about life and death and morality and corruption and thats what leads him to insanity later on.

classic case of living long enough to see urself as the villain but also a favourite trope of mine where people join the dark side for the cookies out of deep empathy for the wronged victims as opposed to say the violence and injustices they themselves may have experienced.

but also post armunds death luc lets all hell loose because how *dare* anyone lay a finger on his beloved boy?! the angst potential my dear is frankly off the charts and i love them all so much it hurts

anyhows this is for fun & i wanted to share some pebbles with ya

i couldnt resist >:D

I have not a single regret taking over your prefrontal cortex. ITS MINE NOW MWAHAHHAHAHAHA Partners in Crime by Madilyn Mei recognition YAYYYYYYY it’s so fit for their characters I’m in tears RAAAAAAAAAAAA Im not changing your mind you’re cooking. “he had all his mother's vivid imagination and passionate love of beauty. Frost of winter, invitation of spring, dream of summer and glamour of autumn, all meant much to Walter." You’re hurting me it’s so fucking beautiful oh my poor heart and soul he is the very bring of his mother, those calloused hands still flying, desperate to cling onto Mercy’s hands, still desperate to cling upon the hands of his mother who rested his head upon her breast. Armund doesn’t exactly ever…snap. His rage is there, and everyone knows it’s there. He’s the only one getting rid of his rage instead of bottling it down. He’s constantly shrouded by rage. “hell is empty the devils are here” is my knew favorite quote. I’m one of the devils LMAO also yes it is very much inked on Altis (probably his hip) Luc and Altis kill like all hell. And you’re very right on what they feel. Altis feels nothing. It’s just another thing he has to do. No rush, no nothing. He’s just… doing it. Luc in the other hand feels everything. Even when it’s someone he is killing more as a task, he’ll feel a rush of everything, all the thoughts, everything. He knows, oh he knows the mortality of everything, including his own soul. (Also he’s constantly bringing the edge of “what if I just died”. It’s. It’s worrying.) Luc. Luc BREAKS when Armund dies. He loves his son, but in the end there’s no tru nurture still left in it. His son turns away from him, and he draws back his hand and cries. And his little angel, his Armind is there, to give him a true taste of joy despite the life all of them live. And what happens to man without joy?

[borderline-culture-is]

Vent, TW Suicidal ideation, Self harm, ED mention....idk what else //

BPD culture is waNTING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER FUCKIN TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Even your own mother who deals with similar shit DOESN'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME AND THINKS IM A SPOILED FUCKING BRAT

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? HM?? WHAT DID I DO WRONG??

now it's to the fucking point where my sister thinks it's fun and quirky to tell every fucking kid she meets "oh I love being sad and depressed!!" AND I FUCKING HATE IT. SHE KNOWS BETTER. SHE FUCKING KNOWS BETTER.

I've explained it to her, my mother has explained it to her, SHE'S SEEN MY MOM GET SO SUICIDAL AND FUCKIN LOSE HERSELF BECAUSE OF IT. BUT YEAH, NO, ITS FUN TO BE DEPRESSED. ITS NOT LIKE IT MAKES EVERYONES LIFE A LIVING FUCKING HELL!!!

I dont

I don't fucking care if she's 8. I don't fucking care. I KNEW BETTER AT 8. I FUCKING KNEW BETTER. I KNEW BETTER THAN TO TELL PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES TOO.

And now because my mom is SO keen on forcing us to be those stupid fucking ultra close siblings, my mom gave her MY favourite artist to listen to. THEY'RE MY FAVE ARTIST. I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE ELSE LISTENS TO THEM BUT THIS KID???? IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

They saved my life, they speak out about mental health, I'VE SPOKEN TO THEM AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SWEETEST PEOPLE EVER. SHES FUCKING RUINING THE ONE THING I HAD, AND MY MOM KEEPS GIVING HER MORE OF MY MUSIC AND NOW MORE OF IT IS GETTING RUINED!!!!! I WANT TO CLAW MY FUCKING TATTOO OFF NOW BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT

I do not

Fucking lay in bed crying and having panic attacks, HAVING NIGHTMARES DAY AFTER FUCKING DAY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH AND IS ALWAYS MADE OUT TO BE MADE INTO A FUCKING JOKE.

I HATE THIS FUCKING KID. I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY SO MUCH. SHE KEEPS FUCKING SINGING CITIZEN SOLDIER SONGS AND BRAGGING ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED BUT HAS DONE EVERYTHING SHE FUCKING CAN TO RUIN MY LIFE

"oh, but she's just a kid-" SHE ADMITS IT. SHE ADMITS IT ALL THE TIME TO ME. SHE'S TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF AND CONFIRMED THAT SHE KNEW WHAT IT MEANT. SHE TELLS ME SHE HATES ME. SHE TELLS ME SHE LIES TO GET ME YELLED AT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME CRY. SHE'LL SIT HERE AND WATCH ME FUCKING BREAK DOWN AND FUCKING INSTIGATE SHIT. WHEN I FINALLY CRACKED AND TOLD MY MOM I WAS SUICIDAL, SHE FUCKING CHIMED IN TO START BULLYING ME TO THE POINT MY MOM HAD TO SHUT HER DOWN!!!!

one day

I'm gonna fucking leave.

I'm gonna fucking leave this house and go lay in the middle of the fucking road in the dead of night so that I can get fucking ran over and die

I cant

Keep living like this

I fucking can't, I keep fucking trying but I fucking can't. Why do I do everything possible to take care of everyone, to the point that on MY birthday, on the ONE DAY A YEAR THATS FOR ME, I HAD TO TALK MY MOM OUT OF SUICIDE. I WAS THE ONE BEING YELLED AT. I HAD TO GET A GROWN ASS WOMAN TO STOP ASKING ME FOR A KNIFE SO SHE COULD KILL HERSELF IN FRONT OF ME. I WAS THE ONE THAT MY SISTER GLARED AT WITH HATRED WHEN I TRIED TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION. I WAS THE ONE MY DAD YELLED AT BECAUSE HE WAS MAD AT MY MOM FOR LEAVING. BUT NO. I'M THE FUCK UP.

God I think I gave myself a concussion, it hurts. It hurts so bad and I need to throw up. And what's worse? This fucking kid watched me beat my head in and I heard her just...make such a disgusted noise and go back to telling her friends on fortnite that she's so depressed and bragging about it and saying it's SO fun...

My bulimia has already come back, and y'know what. Fuck it. I'm done. I'm fucking done trying to hide everything so that THEY'RE happy. So that THEY don't get their panties in a twist over me fucking struggling. If I get the urge to purge, I'll fucking purge. If I get the urge to fucking cut my thighs open, then so fucking be it. I'm done. I'm fucking done. "You need to put yourself first!" I FUCKING TRIED. YOU GOT MAD AT ME. YOU YELLED AT ME. YOU YELLED AT AND BERATED ME, SO WHY SHOULD I CARE??? HUH?? TELL ME??

I'm tired. I don't. Have people to talk to. No one to fucking help me, and I can't blame them. My best friend has bigger things to worry about other than me being a fucking baby. I abandoned the few other people I still talked to because I couldn't handle it anymore. The one server that I was finally feeling safe enough to talk in might be shut down soon because it's stressing the band out from issues that keep happening. I'm fucking. Alone. And I'm tired.

I have until October. After that, Idk. We'll see. But October is so....so far away. It's gonna be hard. Idk if I can do it but I'll try I guess.

- 🪡🎶

.

[angelmichelangelo]

I read your answer about 07 Mikey and it also kinda gives the vibes of Bayverse Mikey, specifically the version of him from the second movie. His main thing is that he wants to be out in the world and meeting new people, and he actually cries when the police turn on them and call them monsters. Im genuinely so obsessed with that scene.

I'm kinda new to the fandom and as I understand the bayverse movies are so-so in most people's opinion. But those were my initial entry point into the franchise back in like 2015/2017, so they do hold a special place in my experience.

For the actual ask: thoughts on Bayverse Mikey?

OHH OHHHH BAYVERSE MIKEY!! i do actually very much like those movies. like yourself, a big part of it is just nostalgia because i got into tmnt like as they were coming out but. they aren’t like the WORST movies ever. they have their flaws and there’s definitely a lot of things i do not like about them but.. im one of the few that will hype this movie up so. thank you for enabling me.

off the bat i wanna say everything about bayverse mikey is special to me. completely ignoring and erasing the whole. awkward weird april crush he had going on. bayverse mikey is actually so enjoyable. he’s funny he’s just Typical little brother but oh my god is he so sad :( again he’s just the perfect culmination of that whole “sociable extrovert forced to be introvert” type that most of his iterations are but this one.. this version just hits different.

one of my favourite plot points ever is that when it’s revealed that there is a very real chance that they could become human and live normal lives, the first thing leo does upon discovering this is make it VERY clear that mikey is not to find out. of course, it takes all but 10 seconds for him to find out because raph has overhears and gets SUPER offended on his brothers behalf (again. something they do SO WELL is the mikey and raph duo in this movie vs leo and a begrudging donnie, something not often done!) and of course, mikey is just so conflicted the entire movie and it’s wonderful.

he’s so tortured in that sequel. he’s SO desperate for a normal life. he has the chance, right there and leo basically snatches it out of his grasp and he kinda just rolls with it because it’s his brothers or nothing at the end of the day, and that’s SO SAD!! but going back to the whole point of leo being up in donnie’s grill like “yeah ok whatever there’s a retromutgen keep that under wraps, mikey is to NOT find out about this” just proves that each of his brothers understand how much their brother is hurting for a life of normality. i think i made a list once regarding which turtles would be most likely to want to be human/live amongst the humans and mikey almost always came up on top.

he’s always the “cool party fun dude” which is often code for comic relief character but when you look into it. these are characters that are forced into a hard, cruel life away from society. characters that for a good 15ish years, only know each other and their father. imagine mikey spending all that time, desperate for normality and for friends… like yeah he has his bros but he knows there’s more out there in the world and he wants it so much more than the others do.. and that’s why leo gets hot on donnie about keeping the retromutagen a secret. he knows what mikey will be thinking. he’s watched him play it out a million times over as kids, and leo is just so afraid that in giving him a choice, he’ll lose his brother because of it…

and when mikey does get to experience the world for the first time, he’s called a monster and almost killed. leo warned him of it and yet he still had faith that he had a place in the world only to be proven wrong almost instantly.. that’s so devastating. i remember sobbing in the theatres during that scene and i still do shed a tear when i rewatch because damn!!! mikey being sad is so gutwrenching:(((

but yes. i don’t think we ever talk about bayverse mikey and all his trauma enough simply because those movies get a somewhat bad rep. again, im not claiming them to be perfect movies. sadly all of those points i just mentioned kinda fall flat when you remember the, ahem, shell tightening comment he made… but i digress. he’s a sad little turtle that deserves more love than he’s given. and i shall love him :P

[crow-in-a-teapot]

unreal unearth first impressions

OKAY REALISING I AM RELISTENING TO THIS ALBUM FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME JUST TODAY ACCIDENTALLY SO IIM GONNA QUICKLY WRITE DOWN MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS BC IM ALREADY BEGINNING TO ACTUALY THINK ABOUT THINGS AND LOOK AT LYRICS AND READ OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS, so here is an only slightly tainted not quite first impression of unreal unearth from me (obviously the singls ive heard before but)

de selby (part 1) i turned on the album sitting in the absolute dark, ten minutes past twelve at night, this started playing, cue instant tears. i think i was just hit with 'this is the most beautiful thing ive ever heard' and i wasn't expecting that from de selby 1 for some reason. and when the irish kicked in that just. no words, just crying and im what two minutes in. i wasn't even thinking about what he'd been saying about connemara in the dark and mirrors of people you used to know (i'd seen him talk about it, but purposefully skipped the actual song when it came up online) it was just. de selby 1. and the part as gaeilge

de selby (part 2) sexy groovy silly fun, it's really growing on me, thinking about 'i'd still know you, not being shown you

i only need the workin' of my hands' also i cant wait to read third policeman and look at this completely differently

first time the beginning was jarring, and then at the lyric about his name i kind of :( i also liked the lethe/liffey parallel, it's so very hozier of him to do that. god the push and pull of there must have been something off from the beginning? if every time they called him baby he died? something like that was my first interpretation, now im wondering if it's because it's not his name and they're the one that made his name sound wonderful for once. intellectualising that part of the lyrics kind of ruins it for me ngl, i think it's more about how it feels, i think it feels like contrast like not knowing if it hurts or is wonderful. little detail of when he says come here to me and it sounds so casual and irish like come here to me tell me, i really love it. and the final lyric hurt. really impeccable timing for a breakup album like

francesca why can't i listen to i'd tell them put me back in it for the first time again WHY CAN'T I LISTEN TO I'D TELL THEM PUT ME BACK IN IT FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN AND REEXPERIENCE THAT. my favourite thing from this hozier era might just be that music video (over all the other ones help)

i, carrion (icarian) is just really devastating. sunlight but what if you wanted your heart to be torn to shreds. the imagery is so vivid

eat your young is growing on me too, the lyrics are just so good. they're just SO GOOD, their rhythm is so satisfying they fit together so smoothly, and at this point it's just as fun and danceable as something like de selby 2

damage gets done is kind of pop? it made me think of the bones ft marren morris

who we are [had to remove a section here] the vocals are otherwordly. the drums are gorgeously frantic. quietly it slips through your fingers love??? falling from you drop by drop??? HOLD ME LIKE A KNIFE???makes me physically ache

son of nyx i'm so glad this is here, an instrumental was something that really could put me back to where i was mentally with de selby (part 1). first thing i thought was i can't wait to learn the piano part. i've seen people say this, but it does seem like the obvious, it's an instrumental that just belongs in a movie

all things end all things do end so real. very cool how much of a direct inflence gospel music is

to someone from a warm climate (uiscefhuarithe) i can't wait to relisten to this one again and again, the parallels between being a child warming up a bed and jumping to later in time with a lover aaaa so tender NATURAL AS ANOTHER LEG AROUND YOU IN THE BEDFRAME AAAA

butchered tongue A FAVOURITE A FAVOURITE foreigner's god but softer, how can i listen to this and ever leave ireland how can i listen to this and feel like this and be packing suitcases what is wrong with meeeeee. the violin and the instrumence. jesus christ. instantly picturing my road signs when he started singing about the native ones

anything but THIS SONG STARTED AND I INSTANTLY STARTED SMILING COMPLETELY INVOLUNTARILY, THOUGHT OF ALMOST (SWEET MUSIC) i started thinking of bright lion king imagery before he even started talking about stampedes and hoofbeats. and the vocals here too, so overwhelmed by how cheerful and joyous it sounded that i really didnt pay attention to lyrics, so it'll be cool to look deeper later

abstract (psychopomp) the production here i was very unsure about, because there was something that made me think if it were more rustic/intrumental and less modern, it might have hit me even harder, like there might have been a way to elevate it further. it made me think of colours and purples and reds and oranges, another really visual song, like i, carrion. it's really gorgeous. SEE HOW IT SHINES will be in my head for a long long time... ugh it's all so bittersweet and sad and beautiful. all my love and terror there balanced between those eyes what a line

unknown / nth if you've scrolled through my accunt for longer than a second you know how i feel about unknown / nth

first light i was hit with such intense terror that this was the last song of the album. what am i supposed to do for the next decade without music to look forward to while andrew goes back into hibernation under bray train station jean jacket lost and found or whatever. so i didnt play and instead did this musing on how beautiful the vocals throughout the album are and how funny it was in the zach sang interview when he talked about singing instead of playing instruments when recording songs because he's 'better at singing than most intruments' and his producer just wouldnt replace those voice recordings and that's why there are so many choirs and zach is basically like 'you absolute weirdo no one else has the talent to do that but ok' (affectionate) (paraphrasing). i love the drums so much. i love the strings so much too. A VOICE YOUR BODY JUMPS TO CALLING OUT YOUR NAME :(((((((((((( imagining hearing this in the 3arena and having colours break out across the whole ceiling ill remember those lights during no plan in 2019 forever im an indoor concert girlie forever what they can do visually is so magical.. i saw a good omens edit of this today already i love you good omens fans

not to sound like a broken record i wish swan upon leda and through me the flood and love of were on this and maybe even but the wages and

[koishua]

i most DEFINITELY need hatsune song recs

YOU'VE COME TO THE CORRECT WEEB

fav miku songs:

world is mine: my intro to miku and the world of vocaloids it was... SOMETHING ahahaha i adore it to bits it's so so sassy and unhinged (like all vocaloid song lol)

cendrillon: duet with kaito and it's so pretty and melancholic and dark i am obsessed also there's a miraculous ladybug amv of it it's insanely good with the vocalist covering it oh my GOD

cantarella: also with kaito!! same-ish vibes with cendrillon very royalty but this one is more like passionate romance i also love love love it ugh

popipo: for the most insane hilariously good vibes pls watch the video for it too you'll cry laughing it's so ridiculously adorable and just insane

senbonzakura: so so catchy i also adore the video for it with all of the cameos from the others' they're adorable but also this song has so many political undernotes lmao

look this way, baby: INSANEEEE so sassy so so sassy i know it WORD by WORD i strut and flick my hair to this in the middle of the night on full blast it makes me feel so happy i can't explain it

online game addicts sprechchor: it's so adorable it's about being addicted to gaming 🤭🤭 i adore the graphics too i had screenshots of the video as my laptop screensaver for so long

tell your world: this!! this i cry every time i listen to it it's just so so hopeful and positive and sweet the lyrics make me tear up and the melody is so beautiful and the chorus will always make my heart feel lighter!!

cat food: world is mine was my first intro BUT!! this was the song i heard afterwards and spiraled afterwards oml i had this downloaded on my old tiny laptop and mind you this was 9 years ago i knew the words to this by heart and somehow still do 😭😭don't look at the lyrics. don't look at most of project diva arcade's lyrics lmfaooo

decorator: THIS TOO!! this one came out after i got into vocaloid and it's so festive and the main lot are included and they're all so adorable and the lyrics are so so wholesome and nice and this one fills my heart with so much warmth and joy i also know this one by heart!! i also learned the choreo ahahahah and performed it to the wall of my room ugh it's just so upbeat and happy i have a very special connection to this one

odds&ends: the lyrics for this one kills :( i sometimes feel so overwhelmed with how heartbreaking the lyrics are but miku saying you should my voice and that you can use her if you can't do it yourself gave me so much courage ;-; her saying she'll be the voice you can't let out ;-;

others!:

echo by gumi: this one is devastating and i used to relate to the lyrics so much back when i was dealing with the depths of my confusion and anger and loneliness ugh

copycat by gumi: actually you know what i generally adore vocacircus so you can check out their songs

meltdown by rin: a cult classic you just vibe to this you just have to it's one of the catchiest vocaloid songs imo i also was obsessed with this for a whole three years so the lyrics are in the bag.

electric angel by rin and len: MY GOD THIS ONE IS ONE OF THOSE TOO gets me so happy and just really my heart feels so full the lyrics are so cute and adorable and quirky it just makes me tear up from how much better i feel every time i listen to it

lie by luka: (also made by vocacircus im telling you!!) this one is heartbreak packed into a song. one sided love hurts, breakups hurt (apparently lol and i got to feel the extent of it thru this song) and the lyrics punch you with every word. some of my favourite heartbreak lyrics. ("and maybe one day i'll get to see your smile in the arms of someone who loves you like i do / i'll play along writing our song, we are perfect, i love you / why dont i cry for you? / why aren't you gone? / i know you're not that strong") and maybe they aren't the saddest thing you've heard and i know it isn't mine, but the production is so empty-feeling and you can feel the ache from every single instrument and sound in the track and the visuals tell a story and—

reboot with miku, luka, and zimi: this one wrecked me after my first watch and listen. it's about three friends who drift apart after a tragedy and just. the resentment and guilt shown there. and the ending just. it's such a melancholic song. the video makes me sob every time esp 3:25-3:35 if you decide to watch it!

teddy bear by rin: don't watch or listen to this is you're not okay mentally bc i wasn't when i came across it. many sad and disturbing ideations (like a ton of other vocaloid songs istg ppl create to vent) and trauma dumpings but the song is genuinely so good

[lynnthefrenchtoast]

Lines from "In The Other Universe" that I CANT GET OVER

in which a fanfic writer (me) overexplains her oneshot bc I NEED TO RAMBLE AND MY IRLS FOLLOW ME ON EVERY OTHER PLATFORM SO TUMBLR IS ALL! I! HAVE!

(u should prob read it first this wont make sense otherwise)

"Even though it was not his name, Yin Yu turned"

i dont know if this is a canon scene or not (sue me the books are LONG and hard to buy in my country) but i've read about yin yu getting mistaken for yizhen and getting totally upset. so i decided to start this fic with him being so okay with it that he responds to qi ying's name as if it's his own.

(also because if ur so close to someone, ur nosy abt their business because it also becomes your business) I WANTED TO CONVEY THAT CLOSENESS FROM THE VERY FIRST LINE

"Should I tell Yizhen you can't even recognize me?"

CANON YIN YU IS SO GLOOMY AND HONESTLY WE UNDERESTIMATE HIS POTENTIAL TO BE TEASY. i just know he could be. all hard workers have a sarcastic inner voice

"The man damn near shits his pants"

AHAHHA okay look. i have this tendency when writing to be REALLY PRETENTIOUS AND FANCY. and ive learnt that usually NO ONE GIVES TWO SHITS. compared to genshin, tgcf fanfics are so beautifully written and sometimes i gotta remind this fandom to SPEAK INFORMALLY (unless its qi rong. then. yea. BUT WHO READS QI RONG FICS?)

"The blank wrist that has never known the kiss of cold metal"

I RIPPED MY OWN HEART OUT WITH THIS ONE

"In this universe, he discovers it's such a simple thing to be happy."

proof that quanyin is literally hualian's cousin

the entire earring scene

i am a sucker for qyz's over-attachment to the earrings. ik a lot of ppl think he's like this because its the only thing yin yu ever gave him but NO headcanon that even in the other universe, yizhen would be overly attached because hes a puppy

he xuan scene

canonically, he xuan would NEVER. bc 1) he's too lost in his own ways to ask for advice and 2) it would fuck with his earth master disguise too much. but since it's the other universe!!!! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

“Yizhen’s victory is my victory,” he declares, with a tone that leaves no room for argument. “His loss is my loss. When Yizhen cries, I am sad. When Yizhen smiles at me, my heart is so full it could burst.” He brings two jade white palms together, interlocking the fingers like entangled limbs on a hot summer morning. “We’re like this. One shared past; one shared future. As a Shixiong, don’t you think rather than being jealous, I’m extremely proud of how far he’s come?”

my favourite freaking line can you tell? IT SHOWS THEIR ABILITY TO ROOT FOR ONE ANOTHER. SHOWS EMPATHY. SHOWS LOVE. ("my heart is so full it could burst") THE RECALL TO THE MORNING THEY WOKE UP TOGETHER, REMINDING YOU OF DOMESTICITY AND SIMPLICITY AND TRUST AND CLOSENESS.

ONE SHARED PAST; ONE SHARED FUTURE ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? this is all i ever wanted for them. to be able to grow together and live together and die together. TO HAVE A SHARED PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.

this line is also loaded to me bc i once wrote a fic called "entangled pasts; estranged future" that wasnt good enough to be posted but GOD IT REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF IT

"Here, he never needs to know the weight of a mask – neither physical not metaphorical."

i dont like how i worded this but IT NEEDED TO BE SAID. YIN YU NEVER NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO WEAR THE WANING MOON MASK but more importantly NEVER NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO WEAR A MASK TOWARDS QUAN YIZHEN. NEVER NEEDS TO HIDE RESENTMENT. im shaking with all they couldve been and didnt become.

"Here, Brocade and Immortal are just two words"

hear that? its the sound of me BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AAAAAA I SO DESPERATELY WANT THIS TO BE REAL i mean i understand if they werent so tragic i wouldnt love them as much but IT HURTS! (*100 teehee)

"Sure it will."

i actually hate myself why did i end it like that even in my fanfic i cant let them be happy. huh. i have to subtly hint that this isnt what happens.

its actually so upsetting that the whole fic is so nice and healing and all of it is just overcasted by this knowledge of "its not real. they never get to be this happy. what really happens is they resent each other and leave each other and they become one shared past; two estranged futures."

you can call me insane. im aware no one thinks this deeply about fanfiction and most people are on the site for smut. BUT I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT IT SO YOURE FORCED TO LISTEN TO ME RAMBLE

[nezz-cringe-crib]

Dudeeeeeeeee!

I am not okay!!!!

Your hockey boys are SO GOOD! UGH! THE APPEAL! THE EXPRESSIONS! THE DRAMA! Ugh, literally like obsessed with it as a piece of art OUTSIDE of being hockey AU art it’s so fun and pretty and the splash of colour on Light’s cheeks and the gradients under their helmets I AM VERY NORMAL ABOUT IT.

Beautiful. 10/10. Do not know how I am supposed to sleep after this!!!

I shall ask you now what your favourite version of DN is and why (because this is an ask box after all, if I have to yap, so do YOU) and your top 3 fave ships b/c im curious

Okay BYE 💕✨

AAAAAUG DUDE I SAW YOUR SPAM TAG REBLOG AND HAVE BEEN INTERNALLY FREAKING OUT YOU HAVE ZERO CLUE HOW INSANE I AM ABOUT YOUR HOCKEY GUYS I WAS QUITE LITERALLY JUST RAMBLING ABOUT IT TO MY BOYFRIEND TO CONVINCE HIM TO READ IT (seriously though my autism is feral over this fic. i had plans today and canceled them solely because i wanted to reread + draw the chapters and then spin them around in my head for a few more hours. i have never touched hockey in my life but at this point i'm considering committing to the bit and just watching some games atp.)

IM HONOURED YOU LIKE IT!!! THEYRE SO FUN TO DRAW (and i have now learned the art of helmets those things are so wacky)!!!!! also im sorry in advance for how much im gonna be spamming your comment sections man i am not normal about them.

ANYWAYS i'll stop screaming and answer these silly questions YYAAYY!!!!

my favorite version of death note has to be the musical. the jdrama probably comes in a very close second. i adore all the other versions just as much honestly, i like viewing them all as their own separate stories because each of them are just so good in their own rights. the musical wins though because i've listened to that damn soundtrack too many times, i'm a threatre kid, it was the first version of death note i watched, and also because oh my god they're so doomed yaoi it hurts.

the score is so damn thought-out it actually hurts. each actor i've seen portray the silly guys does it so well and OOUGGG THE VOICES OUGGGGH,,, also its ending is my favorite out of them all. (spoilers for this next sentence if you havent seen it) i love the idea of them dying together-- i know it was most likely done because it's a musical and it'd be difficult to pull off a second part but god it's perfect to me nothing beats that amount of "different sides of the same coin" doomed yaoi to me.

only downside is now jeremy jordan has followed me into four different fandoms and that terrifies me.

AND THE SHIPS!!!!

lawlight clearly if that wasn't obvious enough.

lawmane because lawliet is a bisexual pervert and i just think they're neat

anndd lawmassacre!!! again because bisexual whore!!!! and also i just generally adore their dynamic, i really want to see it explored more.

honestly any ship with L is a ship that intrigues me (also all the other ships too since i love seeing the different dynamics but i have a bias for emos). honorable mention is L x soichiro because i think light deserves it.

thank you for letting me yap with you this has been the most therapeutic experience of my life. chucking m&ms at you, have a wonderful day hockey lad.

[kaleidosouls]

im too lazy to put the vpn on to tweet so im gonna tumblr post; talk watch abt the amazing digital circus ep 3 (spoilers ofc) [Edit: i had more thoughts i guess il put it in the replies bc tumblr has those now? maybe itll be more accessible for my twitter generated yapping disorder)

finally some appreciation for my man and favourite character kingler like he goddamn DESERVES. i actually have not enjoyed tadc very much theres so much i rly dislike abt it but its like super well produced and indie so like you watch to be on the loop (i wish it was actually rendered closer to the quality of cd games from the 2000s that it seemed to be referencing but like, it looks how it looks and thats how it is), i rly disliked the script for the mpst part in the first 2 eps but ive loved kingler from day 1 so having an ep with mostly just him and pomni (i have mixed feelings on her too but w/e) was great great great and we had some lore n stuff but rly like i could smell a fellow traumatized man whos a bit wacky to cope from miles away and im glad to be proven Right

sorry im older man fucker so he rly hits all the boxes bc hes actually so sweet and helpful hes just mentally unstable (love him for that) and a lot of his endearing like caring nature comes thru in the physical aspect of the character and with less dialogue, rly the less dialogue the show has the better, idk who does the scripts and i dont wanna diss them but like oof i fucking hate it shkdh like its not like its never funny but its just, off, ive still not been able to properly explain to my wife the way that its off to me, and it bothers me to not be able to cohere those emotions! anyway

kingler so cute so very handsome and uwu so gentle and kind 💖💖💖 i love how gentle he is and good to pomni (ofc ppl are gonna call it fatherly or god forbid grandfatherly when hes like 40, and now if you ship them ppl will say its incesty when theyre two grown adults but w/e) like idk i just love a kind mentally unwell man!!! im simple!!! him just overexposing at the near end in dialogue was rly awkward in the writing like man they just, the dialogue is so not good. but in theory his character is so good and the thing abt the darkness and such was sweet. like hes just always been so endearing and the ep just gives a lot of free real estate kingler screentime to drink with my eyeballs, it doesnt change my opinion on the character at all bc ive always loved him this much

the rest was ok just the typical fare for the most part, like tadc rly often makes me so dissatisfied bc it has so So much potential but the ways it kinda just ends up like a dumbed down typical cartoon is really meh. i do love caine though and more proof that hes a non malicious (although maybe harmfully ignorant) ai. his gags almost land for me if they werent really Really lampshaded, i love how much he cares but is incapable (yet) of improving, i thought it was sweet zooble was so earnest with him. like, the whole tadc def improves the less mean spirited it is, for me. which is hard bc the most favoured character is rancid mean disney purple guy.

gghh why is this show so agdidhsifirh (gestures of anger) like its like, much worse ENA or smth but i know theres more that bothers me abt it than that, and i cant grasp it. im stil in hell irl so i cant cohere a lot in general so w/e, i need to chill and let go. i did like the horror trophy head designs of everyone that i could see (i wanted to get a better look at kinglers but i couldnt find a good frame from watching on my phone) like they were super over the top and fun. i wish the settings they travelled to still felt like, even remotely circusy? they truly feel like just we’re in a different cartoon. but its ok i only hate 749374947493 things abt the shows style choices

i want a framed photo of kingler so i could kiss it. or maybe i could trt to makena plush of him. he is my beloved to hurt/comfort. hes wacky and nice and traumatized and has memory issues and i wuv him

[valleymyristica]

valley. VALLEY. WHAT???? WHAT WAS THAT??? i was hoping for a bit of angst, of course i was, but THIS???? you just broke my heart into a million pieces!!! not cool, valley...not cool...

JOKES ASIDE!! that was by far my favorite chapter! oh the emotion was so RAW. dev is so self destructive it hurts me to read about him. and my god, hazel is such a sweet girl. the world doesn't deserve her. maybe the world doesn't deserve any of the characters, except dale, they're all just so good. well, dev is a VERY complicated kid, but all he wants is to be loved by his dad. hes a good kid! deep, deep, DEEEEP down.

PERI IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! i understand his actions, i understand why he's so desperate, i understand why he wants to keep dev safe...BUT HE'S DOING IT THE WRONG WAY!!! peri cant help dev as much as hazel can, i fear

(also, yeah. i know i could comment this on AO3, but i just love sending you asks!)

soooo, i must ask. did peri "escape" because his parents felt bad for him?

HAHAHAAH!!!

Oh, always such a joy hearing from you! HAHAHAHAH!!!

Oh my, we've broken your heart Oh golly, but you'll need that for the last part hehehe And many more to come

Aww man I'm not cool? And here I thought I was super rad and stuff

HAH! I jest of course I know I'm amazing! Just like you! hihihi You know it's true!

You really are a fun one, I'm so happy to have you along for the ride! Hihihi! Yay!

Oh, and if you found that this one hurt Then I'm sure you'll have a fun time with the coming chapter!

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

I sure will I can assure you of that

YAY!! New favourite chapter acquired! I wonder if the next one will beat it? HAH! Only time can tell, right? Heheheeh

Yeah, Dev isn't great with emotions

Hazel is just doing her best trying to help She is oh so very sweet, such a contrast to a world so cruel

Hehe I like the deep deep DEEP down Very much read it in Wanda's voice

And yet again, your pleads and screams go unheard

He's doing his best, you know it so well And still there is no advice of which you can tell

For he can not hear And he will never listen

For he's the one that's been by Dev's side He's the one that suffered so much, to simply understand He's the one, and it sounds like he has a plan

And I adore receiving your asks! Even if I'm a bit slow at times It really does bring me a smile when I see you

You always have so many fun things to say after all!

Hehehe the "escape"

Oh, that's the fun part you know HAHAHAHA!

I can assure, you are to find your answer quite soon

Do they feel bad for him? Well... that is one way to put it

Another might just be that they feel BAD But hey, it's fine, they're fine, it's all gonna be fine

[thosesillylittlegayghosts]

FINALE THOUGHTS

DO NOT START IT WITH THEM CRYING HOW AM I MEANT TO DEAL

well there goes my one last night theory

Just because it’s over doesn’t mean its really over and if I think it over maybe-

Actually just kill me off it would hurt less HIS VOICE

NOT THE FISH FUCK OFF

they’re bestie goals i adore them also im sorry but the song being called perfect movie scene and them two looking like they’re in a rom com (from far away) will actually be the death of me

Fuck she’s wearing purple again and he’s wearing beige

SIMON PLS I WANT TO WRAP YOU IN A BLANKET YOU DESERVE SOME COMFORT

damn okay Sara admitting Simon’s right??? NO don’t call yourself stupid you’re finally getting the recognition you deserve

Them having their lesson outside is so real it’s my favourite thing about summer

AHHHH I WAS SO RIGHT THEYRE CLOSING HILLERSKA

SEVERAL WARNINGS

Vincent fuck off fuck off fuck off. Nils please defend him

NO THEYRE GONNA BLAME FELICE AND WILHELM

NOT NILS AND WILHELM YELLING AT EACH OTHER YOU GET ALONG

not August crying

Omg omg he just pulled a Queen Kristina he did what she did is this foreshadowing cause now he’s having a mental breakdown???

Stella and Fredricka get together whilst comforting each other??

Nah I actually love the third years having a group hug that’s amazing

And Henry and Walter talking to their parents (?) but still being together it’s so cute to see all their little favourites

Oh it’s so gonna end at the end of term, hillerskas closing and Simon’s moving away so they’re having like one last day together all of them

Wilhelm you’re killing me here

Has his room changed? I swear he used to have one window

NOT KRIS

NEON PARTY NEON PARTY

Not Vincent and nils calling him out

VINCENT YOURE ACTUALLY TALKING SOME SENSE FOR ONCE

okay so Augusts gonna back out and then Wille can threaten to do whatever he wants

AHHH TALK TO HIM THROUGH THE BOOKCASE WILLE GO ON

noooo they’re both returning crisis

HES WEARING PURPLE

HENRY FUCK OFF

NOOOO HE WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING

okay maybe my one night theory wasn’t entirely off…

Not the housemaster doing shots with them??? No wonder the schools getting shut down

Yes Wilhelm Felice besties era again!!!

LOVE OF MY LIFE AHH

no he thinks he’s gonna kill his mum

HOW DID SHE HIDE A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE??

PARTY PRINCE RETURN OF THR PARTY PRINCE TITLE

not her hiding the wine Felice I love you

I love all these people so much man

Alexa play closure by Henry Moodie

HE DID THE THING THE THING WITH THE GRASS

REVOLUTION?!?!!

ERIK WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU NO MATTER WHAT

theyre near tears so im near tears

PLEASE SARA YOURE MEANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH HIM WHAT DO YOU MEAN STRONGER FEELINGS

they’re bestie goals and couple goals and I’ve never really shipped them but honestly I could be convinced-this all happening where they first became friends is just too much

Stella I had hopes for you man

NILS YOU HAVE….??? I seriously thought he was gonna say I have feelings for you

AH HE CAME OUT AND THEYRE ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE AND ACTUALLY ACTING LIKE FRIENDS I LOVE IT

God he’s so in love HA REJECTED AT LEAST HE APOLOGISED

military service he’s doing military service now?

I CALLED THIS WEEKS AGO THAT THEYD GET BACK TOGETHER THEN SHED REJECT HIM BUT THE LAST EPISODE TRICKED ME

I LOVE YOU ITLL PASS FUCK OFF WHY ARE YOU BRINGING UP THAT TRAUMA RN?!

ONE LAST NIGHT TOGETHER I WAS SO RIGHT

OMG THE LAKE SCENE NOT THE LAKE SCENE

NOT IT TAKES A FOOL TO REMAIN SCENE THE CYCLICAL STRUCTURE IS HURTING ME

NO THIS HURTS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD

HOW CAN IT JUST BE OVER NAH THIS IS MY CAUSE OF DEATH

STEDRIKA GOT TOGETHER AND FELICE IS JUST SMILING I LOVE HER

Them showing Henry and Walter right after Stella and Fredricka get together means they’re also canon actually

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID EVERYONE WAS FAKE??? REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID YOU COULD BE FREE I HOPE YOU GET THERE. It’s not looking good for the endgame guys

WE WERE A REVOLUTION?! IT SHOULDNT BE A REVOLUTION TO LOVE EACH OTHER???

He’s gonna do something OMG OMG WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HE THREW IT AWAY DOES HE MEAN HES DONE WITH THE CROWN?! WILL I HAVE TO EAT MY WORDS AND WATCH HIM ABDICATE?!

Queen redemption arc???

Say no say no say-damn at least maybe now he’ll get support??

What is it with frogs and this royal family??

Goodbye Simon MY HEART MAN COME ON

I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE SUMMER YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT I CANNOT EVEN IM ACTUALLY NEVER GONNA RECOVER FROM THIS

Girls trip!!!

AHHH HES SO GONNA ABDICATE

but August might…

AHHHH WILHELM I LOVE YOU IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO BE WRONG

NAH ITS A ROMCOM HE PULLED A LOVE ACTUALLY IM NEVER RECOVERING FROM THIS

AHHHHH

FOR HIS OWN SAKE IM SO PROUD

NOT THE FLASHBACKS IM GONNA CRY

THE FINAL LOOK I CALLED IT

[hesitatingspirit]

I. Boy v. World

it feels like the world is against me sometimes.

and i dont know how to make it clear that i just want to be left alone. say hi my name is adam nice to meet you please dont hurt me im just a boy please i just want to be treated like one of you. you dont have to even talk to me but if you refer to me just maybe say he but if not its okay & i’m still too aggressive. say nothing at all and i’m just too difficult to even bother with at all. loser from the start, this is an eternal summer and you’re god’s least favourite cold-blooded experiment. strap in and enjoy the ride: you’ll be here for a long time.

If I am offended by someone calling me a woman, I am too much. I am one of those trannies that makes everything about them, the spitting image of the blue-haired, big-mouthed, angry-faced caricatures of trans individuals created by the right. If I am not offended, I am making a bad name for my fellow trans siblings by not standing up for myself when people misidentify me. I am normalising the idea that people are allowed to “mess up” on purpose, label me as whatever they want. I can never win: The only way would be to never get misgendered again. To not even have it be a possibility…

But we all know that this can never happen.

No matter what I do, I am always wrong,

because what did I expect when I chose to do this?

I mean,

Everyone knows how the world feels about people like me.

What DID I expect?

Would it have been easier for me to just stay a girl?

Easier for which one of us?

The world is run by spiders weaving complex webs of lies and careful misinformation, all vague enough to seem true to those who only catch the news in passing and parrot it at work, conversing at the water coolers. But being wrong is a disease, and baby, it's contagious: Mask up and shut your mouth and maybe even your ears too.

They are just trying to provoke me. They want to make me step out of line, so when I finally say “hey im a bit uncomfortable” They can finally say

I knew there was something about him!

He is one of those, he lied!

He DOES make his identity his whole personality!

No. It seems that my identity has become YOUR personality,

because my gender defines everyone but me:

The way people react to my face usually tells me all I need to know.

I can recognise a cold gaze from around the corner,

through a brick wall and from a mile away

I'm a psychic, honey, and I'm never gonna change,

so dont shoot the Messenger, okay?

and it goes like this it goes

boy with mustache makes a face when stranger calls him a girl

boy with mustache apologises for the trouble in case stranger noticed

stranger scoffs i dont see why it's such a big deal you can't expect everyone to understand

boy says i know and i’m sorry

boy goes home and forgets what he looks like.

It kinda goes like this:

different place wake up with a different face who am i today well everyone sees different things

but you know me i ride my own wave, this is My summer soundtrack

i am a skateboarder i am a stoner i am a rockstar

i am a bleach blond baby boy abandoned by god and i will never die again

mask after mask name after name

another ring around my eyes after another night awake

bags full of sleep deprived weekends staying busy with a racing head

lids heavy with the memories of endless nights

it’ll weigh me down ‘til i’m lowered into my early grave

and all the brick roads and sunsets up in my favourite singer’s hometown will never hit me the same

ghosts see the world differently,

ever so slightly colourblind

translucent lids half-covering eyes that have grown so tired from all they’ve seen

an eternity an observer

an eternity more to go

the people who care what you look like or hate what you listen to aren't really people that should be in your life anyway. so i don't care too much when they cut me off.

i don't care at all,

i just find it so insane that somehow i'm hurting people by being alive. by breathing.

if i enjoyed the shapes of the words she and her in your mouth if i enjoyed the twang of their sound waves if i could love the way the words hit my eardrums then my existence would be pure, a gift from god and i would be a miracle

but because i stand up for myself

because i have committed the crime of wanting to be happy

i am irredeemably evil

forever unclean,

stain on society and a file best left unopened.

top secret, confidential. don't ask, don't tell, but tell them what you don't know, tell them what you want to think. don't ask, don't tell, but they’ll always ask, and you’ll always tell.

“we don’t talk about her anymore.”

“she went crazy.”

“i heard it was drugs that did it.”

“i heard it was schizophrenia.”

“i think she was into witchcraft.”

god forbid a boy want to be loved: god forbid i avenge my death.

porcelain is so easily cracked,

you don't think i have a right to self defense?

i have to crawl out of my grave because this city is all i know. and this place can get so damn cold.

my rebirth will be slow. it will be terrible. and it is commencing.