#why can't i be normal

[hyperfixiation-station]

Alpha!Ghost with an Omega!reader that is captured by enemy forces and goes through their heat alone and in confinement???? And Ghost finds them after they're finished??? And you're too weak to even move??? Sorry just and this thought and i wish i didn't have to write it and it was already there for me to read asdfghjk

[doodoobirds]

My friend gonna be mad ASF at me

[merryslilhobbit]

I hate that the probable ADHD I have means I overthink everything. Was off work today but checked email this morning and discovered I need to make a Phone Call tomorrow, that will basically be someone ranting at me about allegedly being a horrible mean bitch. So I have spent All Day thinking about this, preparing for what's coming, anxiety ruining my appetite & probably my sleep when I go to bed.

I try to distract myself but it doesn't help. I try to just accept there'll be a difference of opinions and get over it, the world will keep spinning. Also not working.

Fucking hate my brain.

[fedorah-the-explorah]

someone who isn't me should put carmen through horrible agony ❤️

[kairithemang0]

I've got jealousy so bad it makes me feel physically sick I want what others have but still crave individuality, I don't know how to stand up for myself or even start a conversation, meanwhile I have so much to say to the people I desire to know but I hold my tongue because getting left behind is terrifying, meanwhile my lack of ability to reach out is causing me to be left in the dust. From a young age I could never talk to people, I was explosive and angry and didn't know how to process my feelings and I still don't, I'm just better at hiding it now. I get it my own head and I feel like my body can't take it, I crave attention because if I beg maybe people will throw me a bone and talk to me, but I don't know how to start a conversation for myself. I fail my classes because going up to a teacher and asking for help makes me want to vomit, so I let myself fail and drown in my own failures as a human until I hit my breaking point. I feel like I'm drowning in anxiety and shame because all the people around me are so successful and amazing, and I feel like such a failure of a person because I can never be as good as them. I'm neurodivergent and queer, I'm an attention seeker and alone, I was born wrong and I can't fix myself and I crave validation from people who can't give me what I need. I don't even know what I need anymore. Love? Affection? Someone to just give me a pat on the back and tell me I'm doing a good job? To feel seen for even just a moment for what I am instead of what I'm not? I don't know, I really don't. And maybe I'll never know, maybe I don't deserve to know.

[artemistorm]

Why are interpersonal relations so hard?

[sometimesiammybpd]

hi. it's been a minute and i am sorry about that. things have been interesting to say the least and there's a lot i wanna talk about. but i'll save most it for another post. before anything else, i hope you all are doing okay. please drink wawa and eat food if you haven't (when you see this) and if you're struggling right now, know that i see you and i know you're doing your best. <3

uhm yeah, so things haven't been great. i actually felt okay for about a couple weeks. it was weird because it really felt like things were good. like i wasn't mentally broken and like i didn't have bpd or anything. my hypersexuality was (and still is) kicking my ass but otherwise i felt fine. at least that's what i want myself to believe. because once things crashed down, it crashed hard. hard. and all i've felt for the last couple weeks is wanting to die. i feel it right now as of writing this post. but that's not exactly TOS friendly content to talk about and i don't wanna get put on a list because i can't help it that i'd rather be dead in a ditch than continue to live another day. the most recent thing that's happened with me (and the topic of this post) is that i had to cut off two of my friends. it wasn't for any reason similar to why i've had to cut people off in the past, but it wasn't easy. and it hasn't sat right with me since.

i won't name either one of them, even fake names, but one of the two was because it became clear our friendship was one-sided enough that i didn't want to end up repeating the cycle as i have with others before. there was some small irritating things that spawned out of my bpd, but the main issue was the one-sidedness. it just. as a 21 year old, it's not been easy for me to have to adjust to adult friendships compared to what i had as a high-schooler. and i admit that. but at the same time, i never got to talk to them outside of a small instagram chat once in a while. they were one of the many friends i've always had who just never starts a conversation first. and that was the first issue to me. it's always been an issue to me, not just with them because i'm so tired of feeling like i'm trying my best to give 100% to every friendship while the other person only gives 50% if i'm lucky. and this is one of the many things that i'm not entirely sure how to feel about my stance on it. because it's a gray area. people are busy and especially people out of HS, they have jobs, lives, and not enough time anymore to spend every day online. that i understand. but i also never get a hello. a how are you doing? a notion that they even want to talk to me unless i message first. and that's where it gets to me. it genuinely makes me feel unwanted. like if i was a better friend, they'd talk to me. or if i wasn't so negative, or could just control myself better, or whatever. and it just hurts. but what adds to that (and this was the main reason for me with this person) is the fact that they never tried to hang out with me or our mutual friends IRL, ever. or at least, not in the last few months of friendship. and again it's a gray area because of the reasons mentioned above. it makes it so hard to talk about because maybe i am in the wrong. maybe i'm not. i literally cannot tell and i don't think i'd ever be able to get a clear answer because well. i don't think there is one . . . and i don't think i'd want one. but to constantly be told they're too tired to hang when they're also telling me they're hanging with their other friends at the same time got to me in a real way. because i've been there before. i've been there so many times that this time, i just said fuck it. it isn't worth arguing for anymore. i don't have any more energy to fight. my self-worth will always (most likely) be incredibly low and fighting for friendships that will probably just end in similar ways to how they always do for me makes me lose more energy to fight.

i'm fucking tired of the constant one-sided friendships. i felt it justified in hindsight when i was a teenager. because i was so toxic and out of control that i got it after changing why no one would wanna be around me. fuck. i want to sit here and say this over and over, but i've been saying this for longer than i can remember. i've been asking the same questions and the only thing that changes is my level of understanding about the presumed reasonings behind it as i've grown and changed. and by it changing, i mean i understand it less and less and less. i'm just tired of feeling useless. and i will admit, in the last few days of this friendship, i got toxic again. my old ways started flaring up, which i am not proud of. IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE TO AS BAD AS IT WAS BUT IT'S STILL NOT OKAY. and when that happens, it really tells me that this cannot go on for any longer. like genuinely. and i swear, i am not sitting here trying to blame them like as if it was really their fault for this specific thing happening when it's not. it's on me when that happens and it's on me to recognize it and stop it. and i am honestly still not at the point yet where i can understand it BEFORE it shows its ugly head. but i recognize it enough to at least somewhat realize why it's happening and what i need to do to control it even if it's only after it starts, for right now. but yeah. i cut them off because i just can't do it anymore.

the other friend is way more complicated. and tbch, i don't have the energy right now to go into all of it. because our friendship should have ended years ago. multiple times, over and over. and there's reasons why it didn't until now. but that'll be for another post. i'm just so. so tired. everything makes me want to die all of the time and besides my FP, i don't think i'm mentally stable enough to handle anyone else. because one way or another it's going to end the same way as everything else. everything sets me off.

sorry. was kinda expecting this one to be way longer but i just can't right now. i'll update this post when i write the part 2 to link to it. and thanks to whoever stuck around. i promise i'm still here and unfortunately, so is my bpd. but i am not giving up on tumblr, i swear.

i wanna be alone so uh, yeah.

edit: part 2 link

[neptunetiger33366]

Y'all, I literally just can not. Why is this man so damn PRETTY?! I love him so much, this can't be real. Holy Hylia who let him be made? I've been replaying TotK on a new save and I... Fuck, he's just so pretty and cute and handsome all at the same time. I want to give him a hug and run my hands through his hair. UGH! I want, no, I NEED him to look at me the way he looks at food!

LOOK AT HIM! He is so cute and happy and it's all over FOOD! He's so precious and I love him so much. Like, I need him in a way that goes against feminism and I'm not even a girl! It's not even sexual desire (okay, it partially is, but that's not all it is). My demi ass wants him to love me. Not lust, love. I want him to want to hug and comfort me as much as I want to do those things to him. And I know he's NOT REAL, I know that. But I want him to be. Fuck, I'd give just about anything to have the opportunity to hold Link.

I want so desperately to hug him, run my fingers through his hair, rub his back soothingly, and tell him that it's all okay. That he's a good hero and none of the pain his era has been through is his fault. I want to let him cry into my shoulder as I tell him that he didn't fail Hyrule, didn't fail the Champions, didn't fail Zelda. I want to press soft kisses into his forehead or on the top of his head as I gently wipe away his tears and tell him I'm proud of him, that he should be proud of himself. Tell him that I love him. Hear him whisper back in a shaky voice that he loves me too. For him to fall asleep in my arms, use me as a pillow after being exhausted by his emotional burst. For him to smile in his sleep as he slips into a happy dream, making him snuggle closer to me. I want to fall asleep in each other's arms, unwilling to separate even in sleep.

I want to wake up to him whispering my name, rubbing my arm and shoulder to stir me from rest. Want to huff irritable and burry my head under a pillow and pretend to still be asleep, just to hear his beautiful laugh as he pulls the pillow away. To feel his soft lips kiss my skin as he pulls me into his arms, coaxing me awake with promises of a delicious breakfast he's made for us.

He's so soft looking. I want to run my hands all over his body. Find every scar he has and kiss them all. I don't even care about hair or anything to do with that! But I want to sit with him at my feet as I clean, brush, and play with his hair, just listening to him talk about fond memories from his journeys. I want to hear about all the cool bugs he's found, all the amazing sights he's seen, and all the people he's met. I want him to pretend to pout and be upset when I find a particularly bad tangle, just for me to kiss the top of his head or his cheek in apology, turning him into a blushing mess. He can't keep up the angry act and melts against my legs, refusing to lift his head to let me finish brushing until I coax him up with promises of cuddles and kisses.

I want to visit a hot spring with him. Soak in the hot, healing water with our bodies pressed together. For there be nothing between us. To be as undressed as we'd dare be in a public spring and cuddling shamelessly. I'm in his arms as he holds me to keep my anxiety at bay. His soft whispers promise that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. That he loves me for me, transness and all. That so long as he's there, nobody will dare hurt or judge me. For me to be half asleep, head on his shoulder, and to whisper back that I promise to protect him too. That even if I can't fight and protect him physically like he can me, I can protect him emotionally and mentally.

I'm scared of heights, but I want to sit with him on a Sky Island he swears has the best view in Hyrule and watch the sunrise. To sit on the beach with a picnic and watch the sunset. To lay down together and stare up at the night sky. For him to point at different stars and constellations, tell me all he's learned about them. To sit together bare footed at the water's edge, letting the waves tickle our feet as we talk about the sort of deep topics that only feel appropriate to discuss at night. Life, love, the universe. The meaning of it all. For me to make a bad joke to calm my anxiety brought on by the existentialism, just for him to laugh. To ask why I keep bringing such topics if they always end up upsetting me. I get defensive and pout about it. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and kisses my cheek. Tells me he loves me. I tell him the same and we share a kiss. I make a dumb joke about Hylia watching and he playfully smacks my shoulder. Not hard enough to hurt, because he'd never hurt me. He tells me that I'm the only "divine being" he needs, which makes me laugh and roll my eyes. I make a self deprecating joke, to which he scolds me gently. His beautiful blue eyes gleam in the starlight, making it impossible for me to argue. So I just apologize thoughtlessly as I gaze into them. He doesn't mind. I lean in to kiss him again. He does too. We kiss passionately, and all is perfect.

FUCK, now I want to write actual pieces about this. Maybe do a series of short stories with scenes like these. Upload them here from time to time. That'd be nice. Might help with the feelings. No promises, but I've already given myself several starting points. Maybe I'll even do shit in Gacha once I get into posing properly. That'd be nice. Think I'mma stop yearning here and put that energy into something else. Good on me. Or, well, I'll do that tomorrow. I should probably go to bed. Goodnight Tumblr.

[the-riddler-that-can-riddle]

Oh... What do you guys want from me...? It's been just about a week since I was finally able to finish days of my hard work and time... I've had a shitty week, to put it simply... I've been continuously mocked for my entire life, but it started getting really bad lately... I'm trying to learn how to use my longboard but assholes from school literally threw me off of it and mocked me because it was too big for me and it was a hand-me-down... There were what I could only assume were adults there not even a few feet away, they just didn't care that the freak of the town was being rejected from the only place they actually cared about visiting that day after their D&D session ended after school... It's the only place I felt relatively safe and now that's even ruined for me... I just want some kind of validation... Something to tell me I'm not some freak or that I'm not the only one who has been through this... I just want to be happy, but the whole fucking world seems against me for no good reason... Typing this at one in the morning while in a closet feels so fucking pathetic right now.... I literally avoided going to school the other day just to avoid those assholes the day after it happened...

[the-vanir-queen]

When your trauma hits up your mental health like that fuckboi at 3 am

"wyd"

[christinem999]

guys the morbid jealousy is acting up again

[4rtsymugzzz]

i hate everything about me.

[chickensoup1025]

ARFID is a bitch >:(

[cherrydeers]

why am I never good enough?

[soupedepates]

Istg I wear earplugs to my Humean philosophy hellclass because the teacher is fucking yelling.

I need to talk to the CEO of PTSD and the CEO of autism rn cuz bestie I'm at my fucking limit.

[polycatyl]

.