#why am I MAD it's not that serious
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early years

and more stuff down here


just doodles, and a very stressed out me. thought this was a perfect time to post since i’m actually going back to school tomorrow for my last semester of high school lol. happy late new years btw (oh and brony headcanon i got from @bonkerbuster69 . you are cooooollll)
#markvid#cotc#elders of the creek#elder mark#elder david#my art#back on my shit. even though i haven’t really been off it#actually vent a bit cause tags make me comfortable for some reason#nothing serious but i get MASSIVE anxiety whenever i post literally anything on this site. because eyeballs are staring at it judging#like fresh meat#and iddkkkk eeeeuuggh it’s scaaarrryyyy#and that’s why i haven’t been posting jack shit but anyways. that is the life of a young adult on the internet for you ig#i talked about it to my therapist and woh is me and no surprise or anyone. i am afraid of the unknown#that unknown includes not knowing what people think of me and my art#so yeah gang i think i legit just have mad anxiety issues lmao#oh fuck i see a typo#whateverrr#anyways bye again. i must become a cog in the education system once more
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It's so funny when I post a crochet somewhere else or show someone irl because when I say I'm crocheting all the Pokemon :D, they always laugh along like "haha yeah, good luck with that, there's like a thousand of them now!" And then of course it comes off as hyperbolic when I say yeah I've made hundreds of them
#text#im not mad or upset#it just comes across like a silly inside joke#even though i am actually very sincerely serious#not a lie or joke whatsoever to say i have made hundreds! but very reasonable for someone random to think it is#because really. who does this and why and how lmao
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I thought you kin kdj?
anon i hope this is a joke cause if this is a genuine question it is the singlemost scathing read i have ever recieved in my life 👏 bravo
#I WANT YOU TO KNOW IM LAUGHING THIS IS FUNNY REGARDLESS OF WHATEHR UR SERIOUS#not laughing At You tbc just the situation generally. genuinely not mad fhdkfdk#to answer ur question: no i dont bc i stopped kinning a bit before reading orv so the stars did not align#i think the me from when i used to kin definitely wouldve tho if thats any consolation#but yeah everyone i AM being truthful whenever i say i dont kin kdj#its just REALLY funny how much overlap there happens to be thats all#THIS HAS SURPASSED THE PERSON WHO TAGGED MY POST THINKING I WAS A KDJ ROLEPLAYER BTW. WHICH IS A HIGH BAR#inbox#EDIT: FRIEND HAS JUST NOTIFIED ME THERES A POST ON HERE WHERE I SAID I DID IN FACT KIN KDJ??? I DO NOT REMEMBER THIS. GENUINELY.#ANON YOU ARE JUSTIFIED SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION I HAVE DISSOCIATION AND MEMORY ISSUES LMAO??? whoever made that post was wilding#me the one typing this has no memories of kinning kdj so uh. SHRUG??? i wasnt lying on purpose at least#.....DO YOU SEE WHY THERES OVERLAP. THERES A REASON THE NUMBER 49 HAUNTS ME#edit2/update: they apparently distinctly remember me saying it in the tags of a post but nEITHER OF US CAN FIND IT#what is happening...hello....is anyone out there....#*knocks on my own skull* hello?? anyone home?! WHO DID THIS 🤣😭#EDIT/UPDATE 3: I FUCKING FOUND IT its from nearly 4 years ago holy shit#still dont remember posting that at all
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Your honor, I would like fifty of these cute little big Kaiju please-
#ultraman#ultramanrising#tokusatsu#emi#yes there was this huge cute kaiju that everyone keeps talking about and im fuming mad why they hadn’t made plushies of her yet#LIKE LOOK AT HER#BIG PLUMP WITH ROSY CHEEKS#A VERY BIG BABY YOUR HONOR#This also comes along with her Baby daddy thank you-#that Baby Daddy being Kenji Sato if you know what I mean-#I am serious I would surrender all my worldly possessions to this little big baby
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i have so many thoughts about the "i hate phil" bit but im too tired to articulate myself

#it's like. ok funny joke that you've been telling since you were closeted and hated yourself now say something true and beautiful#about that man who you love more than anything in the universe. but obviously that's exactly why he won't say it#i get it i just yearn for sincere affection. but i also accept that we're not entitled to that so we must live on opposite day crumbs#also “i hate my bitch wife” is so tired just as a bit in general#or maybe it's not that serious and I'm just really tired and i dont get it. i guess we'll never know#im just really happy they're being more niceys to each other on camera now it's a much better vibe#and i get that the tommy show was about rejecting the “i hate my wife” persona and moving into something healthier#which is also in line with what I'm saying so I'm not mad about the show#i just reject the notion that “i hate my wife” is an integral part of dnp#and i know it's ironic and was invented to keep us at bay and i respect that too#i have complex feelings on this i can't explain it. goodnight#i yearn for sincerity but i also understand why we can't have it. and maybe that means more than anything else#i do feel like he's moved on from the bitch wife bit as it used to be so that's nice#and im not talking about them having silly pet names or getting competitive when they're playing games#it's a specific thing im talking about can anyone hear me#or am i just sleep deprived and going insane#and i cant even post about this bc everyone is jumping to the most uncharitable interpretation of people hating on this bit#of assuming “oh my god are you stupid like obviously they dont actually hate each other”#😭 girl it's complicated
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thinking about how DAN DESCRIBED THEM AS TWO PEOPLE WHO ‘have known each other for a thousand lifetimes’ AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A CASUAL THING. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE. AN ANSWER TO A QUESTION. AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SEEM SO NORMAL ANS MAYBE A LITTLE FUNNY WHAT A SARDONIC RESPONSE RIGHT?? OH US? ME AND PHIL?? NOOOO WEVE JUST KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A THOUSAND LIFE TIMES. HES A PIECE OF FURNITURE. REMOTE CRISIS MANAGER. RANCH. A FRENCH SAUCE. IN HIS ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR HE IS ACTUALLY SO FUCKING FOND AND PROFOUND AND THEY ARE SO INTRINSICALLY BOUND TO EACH OTHER AND HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER A THOUSAND LIFETIMES??? THIS IS NOT CASUAL PEOPLE MAKE CAREERS OUT OF WRITING AND SINGING AND YEARNING TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHAT LOVE IS BECAUSE ITS SO ALL CONSUMING AND YOU PUT THEM ALLLLLL TO SHAME WITH YOUR STUPID SARCASTIC INTERVIEW RESPONSES AND STUPID FUCKING RANCH METAPHORS
#stupid fucking interviews i hate him i hate him i hate him#that’s FUCKING CRAZY#CRAZYTTT#i hold myself back for saying he can’t hide behind his humor#because i don’t want to pry WHATEVER ITS 2024 I DONT NEED TO JUSTIFY IT#anyways i’m serious though! YOU CANT HIDE DAN HOWELL YOURE SO IN LOVE#YOURE SOOOO MAD#YOU WANTED TO BE EDGY AND ANGSTY SOOO BAD#fuck my stupid phannie life#sorry! no i’m not#sick to my stomach#THIS IS OLD WHY AM I SOOOO IMPACTED#phan#dan and phil
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like look I don’t really want to use different pronouns but I do feel so incredibly alienated from the idea of womanhood like all of the time and have picked up this weird fascination and almost longing for aspects of masculinity and I have no idea whether this says more about my gender identity or how shit sucks so bad to be a woman rn. like is it just me or is the definition of what it means to be a real socially acceptable woman shrinking again.
#I think never being thin or associating myself with fragility or ever really trying to be beautiful has a lot to do w it#like I don’t mean it in an nlog way just that the struggles of womanhood have always just made me mad so I ignored them as much as possible#and sometimes I’m like. I’d actually give anything to be a frat guy without a care in the world.#like I bet it feels so good to get on a table and scream the if you are not a brother line#and I’d be so good at internalized toxic masculinity 😔 I LOVE bottling up my feelings and not talking about serious topics ever#and there’s a level of just like. men get to be funny in a way that women don’t? there’s an automatic social endearment#which isn’t good and it pisses me off that I feel it#but like!! think about the boys will be boys (positive) thing#there is no female equivalent#and when there are generalizations about women it’s about like. teaching each other to look nice. commiserating over relationships.#these are not things that I do……………#hell I remember the first time I wore eyeliner out of the house I came home and sobbed bc I felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable#i think if i lived in a completely unprejudiced world i would probably be nb lol#but w/e. lol. just not a priority for me.#(i have got to get butcher……………..)#tee bee aych idk if this is something. I can figure out until I’m in better shape#just bc I have so much self hatred for not being thin that I wonder if that’s why I feel like I’m failing as a woman like all the time#BUT I DIGRESS#anyways. I am so high rn and it’s 4AM#gonna wake up to this tmrw like HUHHHH?????
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i am very hypersensitive to the things that strangers say to me but the thing is i have a ahrd time taking responsibility to that because i KNOW if you talk to me with respect i wont freak out at you. BUT PEOPLE DONT DO THAT AND I DONT GET WHY
#AM I JUST SOME JCKASS RAISED BY HIS GRANDPARENTS OR WHAT. WHY DOES NO ONE HAVE MANNERS#im still reeling from that person calling me pathetic and then @ing their friend in my rp posts#im just so mad they would call me stupid. and i know its literlaly not that serious but im like dude.#and i feel guilty for blocking them but also. DUDE
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sorry for the metadede flood lately um. anyway i think dedede officiates waddle weddings. if they even have them lol. it’d be funny and cute



#reason for the flood: thinking abt one idea means i get 50 more#one of these were drawn with the old pen! and my god it shows#one is also two sketches fused together (which ive had to do a lot lately) and…okay actually it’s still easy to tell but not bc of that#i am mad with power#meta knight#king dedede#kirbyposting#my art or something#i think my art ideas are probably very weird lol#but you know me i love a good shenanigan#if it’s any condolence i swear ive been working on less self indulgent stuff too lol#not…NOT self indulgent because it’s me and i like having fun#it’s my blog i do what i want or something#im juggling like 7-9 projects right now (and most of the time) so my progress on each is very random#i thrive off of goofiness#but yes that is why i do this stuff. and then the Big Serious Projects never get finished#half kidding. i have a lot of stuff at abt 80% rn#metadede#because i forgot if i need to tag when it’s already in the post lol#id probably save this for a few weeks out but i dont have anything else done and yeah im procrastinating on sleeping#wow i really do write an essay in every tag
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I should brush up on Dalish wedding rituals so I can have my Inqy being a useless lesbian with Josephine in the background of Clipped Wings
#they involved the Inquisitor just enough that it wouldn't be out of left field#and their letter nearly had me sobbing because wdym neither of them has even proposed in the 10 years Solas has been loose#Ceridwen rolling up to the final confrontation to punch Solas in the mouth for delaying her wedding#because “you Know how much I love her you stupid selfish asshole why would you not just Talk to us we're your friends! your family!!”#Ceri is all about saving him but he has 100% earned getting hit a few times for fucking up so much but Esp#for fucking up her romance with Josie lmao#she'd be half serious and half mad that he provided her with Such a good reason to be a coward about it#Ceridwen: will throw down 0.5s after learning Josie is already engaged and is willing to die for her hand#also Ceridwen: it has to be Perfect when I ask her to marry me or I will beg the gods to smite me to dust on the spot#I don't have enough in me to write a proper fic for DA:I esp while I really want to finish my DAV one#and then I do have a few scenes from DAO and specifically stuff for Zev and the Warden after the game ends with their kids#but I do have a soft spot for my Inqy I must say#rambling because I am ill lmao#DAV Posting
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Oh no I’m burning out on binging the audiobooks I need to get through by July. It’s easy at work. Harder on weekends oh boy. Now I also don’t think it’s healthy to consume a 30 hour audiobook in a day due to the magic of 3x speed (don’t judge me) but we are on a SCHEDULE (self imposed) and I will NOT BE BEATEN. It was really easy last night when I was high laying on the carpet for 4 hours but now I want to play slay the spire and keep getting distracted
#I have so many thoughts about this series#it’s the first 4 sun eater books#I’m REALLY enjoying them because door stoppers do not scare me and I like a good build up#it’s not my favorite?#it’s lacking that extra push that puts it into ‘will buy physical copies’ ‘more than 1 book will get 5 stars from me’ territory#but the focus on linguistics and actually sticking to culture clashes and the archeology/science focus earns it SERIOUS points from me#I love Valka#I looked up her name and saw men on reddit don’t like her and it made me love her even more#my queen doesn’t need Hadrian she needs me#I will use my biology skills to help you in whatever anthropology research goals you have#I am subconsciously comparing it to red rising and I actually think this series may be better#in certain areas like representation ig#love red rising but the entire time reading it I was like ‘this is written by a man : )’#sun eater series has me forgetting that more#red rising just wrote what it was good at better I think which is why this series isn’t grabbing my brain as much#definitely a slow burn and I haven’t stopped having thoughts#my Year of Books journal is gonna get a LENGTHY entry for all 3 of the ones I’ve read so far lol#so I’m mad that I like red rising more but I still do ya know?#the prose in this is beautiful though I keep turning over his word choice in my head and thinking how I could improve my own lol
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i don't even care about buddie canon anymore i'm so pissed
#9-1-1#9-1-1 abc#bobby nash#9-1-1 spoilers#i looked it up so i wouldn't get mad if i got spoiled -> still ended up seething -> cried in my boss's office#anyway i'm not watching the show now. i <3 holding grudges that make no difference.#genuinely why would they do that. tim minear i am in your walls.#there was no reason to do that but if someone had to die i would have rather literally anyone else im so serious
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🧿
#listen. I know I'm basically calling for it#but like it's almost been a week.... I think they already saw my things at the hospital#so if they didn't call me like “we need you to come here tomorrow for more checkups”..... maybe....#just maybe.... it's not that serious.....#but still I keep refreshing my email like the mad woman I am#and I've been in constant anxiety since wednesday to the point I do that little startled anxious jump when I hear the email notification#and then I wonder why I have a fever#thoughts#― rea's thoughts 💭
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Stop saying you "kin" things. Stop stealing our words.
damn sorry for existing, I’ll just kill myself then
#lemon man talks#(not serious)#🌻 | fictionkin stuff#Fr tho that’s why I don’t maintag my posts#I made a fictionkin tag for myself so I don’t put my posts in the general tag for the community#I’m not trying to make anyone see my posts I’m doing precisely the opposite#I’m posting about myself in my blog which is aimed at me 👍#If you don’t like me please block me#It’s free and saves you a lot of stress#Sorry for saying I’m blorbo from my shows irl I’m just being myself#I’d very much like to know who anon is referring to when they say “stealing our words” too#Who is we… what community are they talking about… who am I stealing words from….#Also I’m pretty sure kin is a normal ass word#As opposed to slurs. It’s just a word as far as I’m concerned??#I really wanna know who anon was referring too now I’m interested#Anyways as opposed to them I don’t care who uses the word kin#Go forth my friends say you kin things and make anon mad#Also I don’t think I even said I kin anything dude I just posted pictures of the non breath oblige guy and said “me irl”
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Thinking about current continuity Vanessa and just getting pissed off again
Like one, LET HER REST oh my god dc you ruin her FUCKING life like an asshole only to bring her back as a villain after she finally got out oh my god-
But also like its just so bad. This is a whole other woman with her name like why are we doing this. Like first you kill her mom (JULIA NOOO) and erase her YEARS of history growing up around diana (the thing that actually made her villain turn [if you can call it that w the level of manipulation involved] interesting and fucking heartbreaking) for some shitty "oh I saved you we were friends" run of the mill whatever. Then to use that and say Nessie had a crush on her OWN SISTER (Diana, so like informally adopted, but still 😡) now????
And then they took away her curls and made her a redhead but not even the realistic kind. DC SHE DOESNT LOOK LIKE THAT
It just makes me so mad. Freaking guys. They could have used another name like oh my god. She's not even the first silver swan why the fuck would they do that if they're not going to explore her history w diana (which she no longer has!!!!) or how intensely fucked up everything got for her. What is even the fucking point of this then other to drag a main character of the ww supporting cast through the mud again for genuinely no reason. They could have easily had her be Valerie Beaudry (sorry Val) instead or just MADE UP ANOTHER NAME because it's obvious that no one actually cared about her as a character they just wanted the wondy villain back so like !!!!!!!!!! Why even bother
#her entire treatment just makes me so angry#like in general it makes me mad and sad and a million other emotions#but the fucking robinson version just makes me enraged. beyond pissed off. because theres no fucking reason for it its bullshit and its the#one in current continuity right now. so i get to see tom king ww panels put on my dash that have this stupid fake vanessa and its so#infuriating. like thats NOT her!!!!!!! oh my freaking god people#her hair is BROWN and CURLY and shes dianas BABY SISTER who she lived with for YEARS like she was a MAJOR supporting ww character for the#longest time. like shes got about 100 appearances (just checked) preboot this is not a minor character#so freaking frustrating#blah#ALSO. FUCKING ALSO. THE FACT THAT THE WHOLE CURRENT VANESSA TURNED EVIL BC SHE REALIZED SHE WASNT SPECIAL TO DIANA BS. FUCK YOU THERE LIKE#OH MY GODDDDD “isnt special to diana” im going to fucking kill you. what do you mean she doesnt care about her specially. thats her FUCKING#BABY SISTER. not to sound like vanessa herself a la silver swan but those clowns at dc would never say that shit about cassie oh my god#not special my FUCKING ass. nessie and her mom were literally the first people invited to themyscira in post coie continuity#like yes diana trevor and steve trevor and even baby julia kapetelis washing ashore but like the kapetelises (and you could even say just#nessie bc again her mom had been there before) were the FIRST ones invited there like you cannot say diana didnt care about them more than#the average joe dc i fucking despise you.#this girl has been through so much why is dc incapable of throwing her a bone ever. nessie i am so sorry they did that to you sweetie.#gonna tag it bc her tag deserves the traffic#vanessa kapatelis#just makes me so mad#doing all that to the normal teen girl character in a wonder woman comic is so fucked actually like dc comics i should not have to explain#that to you. what message do you think you are sending here be serious
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watching a youtuber talking abt a horror movie and itis so obvious when somebody has only talked to mental health professionals for like. depression or anxiety* . bc shes sitting here like Woah i dont understand this guys like engaged to a therapist why doesnt he understand that someone being mentally ill doesnt mean theyre an evil scary person... I am sorry to say this but even being a mental health professional doesnt mean you dont think mentally ill ppl r evil and scary and gross
*this is an assumption on my part bc this yter has never talked about having anything other than those afaik Obv its her right not to just in my experience and the experience of other ppl ive spoken to . it seems like if you have pretty much anything other than those and talk to a therapist you would not have this idea that mental health professionals are like. inherently understanding and whathaveyou
#idk if im wording this right. what i mean is i was having a conversation with my most recent therapist and i planned to talk abt some of my#thangs and then she started talking abt how psychopaths r sooooo fucking scary and shes glad none of her parents r psychopaths and i was#like ohhh this is not a safe space suddenly . <- idt i personally am a psychopath but i think its 1. just disgusting to say something like#that ever 2. esp as a mental health professional 3. why r u telling me at all abt yr other patients its . unprofessional to me. but idk.#that combined with some stuff she said abt bpd and etc. rly made me like Oh i can not talk to this woman abt any of my actual serious stuff#and that wasnt the first kind of experience ive had with a person like that like. ive talked to therapists abt my dissociating in the past#and like. ive never felt safe to discuss my hallucinations even when they were rly rly rly bad last year bc i like. some of these therapist#were surprised when i said i struggled with hygiene bc of the depression like. guys cmon ... idk. thisis not a particularly thoughout post#i just thought abt it while watching the video#idk so many youtubers i watch talk up therapy sm and im like Happy it helps them and im happy like. etc. and obv idk what all goes on in#their lives but im kind of sick of ppl talking abt talk therapy like itll fix everything for everyone ever. like im not talking abt just#being like Oh therapy helped me etc but a lot of ppl r like I dont get why ppl dont go to therapy like 1 money 2 like. idk man. the psych#industry is so evil it like. makes me so mad. IDK all of this is halfthoughts im just talking recreationally#oh another disclaimer bc i worry i came off weird by specifying i only mentioned idt im a psychopath bc the sentence b4 that seemed like i#was implying i was. i wasnt trying to be like IM not one of THOSE GUYS i just didnt want anybody to get confused. ok sry
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