#why am i so fragile as to break at even trying to make anything better

[transgenderfivepebbles]

if one more Thing Happens i swear to god i'm going to distort

[jamespotterismydaddy]

The Prince Regent

aemond x sister smut

A/N: I haven't given yall smut in so long :( pls forgive me

WARNINGS: smut!, incest, murder (bye bye aegon)

WORD COUNT: 1,475 words

You feel ill when your brothers come back from battle. Your husband, Aegon is a step away from death and Aemond is… different. It all unnerves you.

You spend hours visiting your husband on his sickbed but there’s only so much you can take before you have to retire to your own chambers. You hated Aegon sometimes but you truly never wanted such a thing to befall him. You miss when he was healthy.

“Sister.” You don’t think you even heard Aemond knock before he’s in your room.

Your eyes well with tears when you see him, knowing it’s okay to break a little when in the presence of your dearest brother. “Aemond…” you let out in a whimper.

His face softens as he immediately makes his way over to you, pulling you into his strong arms. “It’s just all so awful.” You say.

“Oh my poor, dōna riña.” He murmurs into your hair, rubbing circles on your back. You’re such a fragile little thing. Aegon was terrible to you. Your twin can hardly understand why you’re so upset that he’s bedridden.

“I just… don’t want my children to grow up without their father. They’ve already lost their brother. They don’t understand why he won’t come to play with them anymore. There’s no way for me to explain it to them… I don’t know how to help them.”

“Aegon was a shit father anyhow.” He comments.

“Aemond.” You give him a scolding look through your tears.

“You can’t say I’m being untruthful. Besides, I can care for and love your children better than he ever could.”

“You are so careful with them. I am appreciative of it of course.” You murmur, feeling comforted by your brother’s gentle touch. “But you shouldn’t speak so unkindly of our King while he lies on what might be his deathbed.”

“If it is his deathbed, then I am the king.” Aemond responds.

“Would it not be Jaehaera as queen?” You question. Should it not be your daughter who would rule next?

“It would be difficult to have a girl heading our cause when Rhaenyra is also a woman. Besides, i’ve been named Prince Regent. I’m the king in all but name… and all kings need a queen.” He gives you a look that you can’t quite place.

“I am sure the Baratheon girl will be ever so pleased when she is informed of her rise in status.” You murmur.

“I won’t have dark haired, Baratheon mutts as my heirs.”

“Then who shall you marry? One of Vaemond’s granddaughters perhaps? I don’t think a Velaryon is worth breaking such a beneficial betrothal.” You don’t see it yet. You haven’t caught on to what his words mean, his treasonous words.

“I shan't break my engagement for some woman I care not for... I’ll break it for you.”

Your jaw drops. “Aemond, that is absurd.”

“I will quell their anger by arranging a match with Daeron. A third son is as good as a second.”

“You know that isn’t what i’m shocked by.”

“Are you truly shocked?” He tilts your chin up so you have no choice but to look him in the eyes. “I know it is I that you desire, not Aegon.”

“Aegon is my husband.” You protest.

“Aegon is a useless cunt who will be dead soon.” Aemond says firmly. “And when he’s dead, i’ll be king.”

“He might yet live and if he does, i’ll still be his wife. I won’t be an adulterer.” You push away from your brother, creating an appropriate distance. 

“I would never make such a woman of you. All I ask is that you answer my one question. If Aegon were dead, would you choose to marry me?”

There’s a long pause as you think about your answer. It would be treasonous to respond truthfully… but it is Aemond asking the question. You can’t lie to your beloved brother.

“I would.”

There’s a certain glint in his eye when you give him your answer. He leaves the room without saying anything else.

Over the next few hours, you try your hardest not to overthink. The way Aemond phrased the question, the way he looked at you after you answered, it was unnerving. You know your brother wants nothing more than to take care of you but he could never harm Aegon, could he?

Your question was answered by morning. Aegon is dead.

It wasn’t Aemond. You tell yourself, repeating it for a week. You only left your room when it was time for the funeral. You don’t speak to anyone, especially not him. Tonight, you don’t sleep, trying to distract yourself with what most would call silly feminine interests.

“Sister?” You look up from your needlework to see him standing there, stoically in the middle of your room.

“The hour is late, Aemond.” You say, confused by his presence and more than nervous by it.

“I know. You should be sleeping. I thought you would be sleeping.”

“I couldn’t find my rest.” You whisper.

“Why?” 

He knows why.

“It was by your hand, was it not?”

“I hardly know of what you speak.” He brushes you off.

“I am no fool.”

“I know you aren’t. That is why you’ll never say it aloud.”

“Is that a threat?” You ask and there's a visible pang of hurt shown on his visage.

“I would never do anything to harm you.” He states firmly, getting closer and taking the needlework out of your hands so he may hold them instead.

“But you would covet your brother’s wife as he lies on his deathbed. He has been cold for but a week; have you already come to claim me?”

“You desire to be claimed by me.” He states, irritated by your current disdain for him.

“I desire a good man by my side.”

“Then why do you think of me when Aegon fucks you?” Aemond grabs your wrists, pulling you closer to him. You gasp. He’s never spoken to you like this before.

“Aemond…” You breathe out, appalled. 

“You toil with this decision so i’ll make it for you.” His right hand slides down to your waist and he pulls you flush against him. “We will consummate tonight.”

He kisses you with rough passion, stealing your breath from your lips. Your brother has waited too long for this and will not wait a second longer. He pushes you back until you reach the bed, the two of you falling atop it.

“I will have you now, my wife… my beautiful bride.” 

“This is… we can’t.”

“The King can do as he pleases.”

He wastes no time, reaching his hand up your skirts until he finds your small clothes. He rubs gently through the fabric, smirking as he feels the wetness before he pulls the garment down.

“Be gentle, Aemond.” It was never a request you would make of Aegon. Such a sentiment would do you no good with a man who takes pleasure in pain.

“Of course, my dōna riña but by the end of the night, my babe will be in your belly.”

You gaze up at him as he unbuckles his trousers, such a sweet nymphet was wasted on a bastard like Aegon.

You wince as his cock splits your tight cunt and he marvels at the grimace. He must be much more well endowed than the dead king to warrant such a response.

“Shh, I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Poor sweet angel.” He lets you adjust to him, wanting you to enjoy the times you will lie together just as he does.

When he no longer sees pain strewn across your face, he begins to thrust. A little choked gasp leaves your throat as he does; you never expected to enjoy such a feeling.

“Hmm, you like that?” He taunts, beginning to pick up to a pace that you can’t handle.

“Oh, it’s too fast.” You whimper, but he doesn’t slow. Your big brother knows what you can take. Besides, there’s a bit of sadism in every Targaryen man.

He begins to pound into you, relishing each moan his baby sister makes. It’s sick, but nothing brings him more pleasure than knowing he will be a better husband than Aegon in every way possible.

Aemond hooks one of your legs over his shoulder and the new angle lets him get even deeper inside you.

“Gods, you’re just sucking me in.” He wanted so desperately to last longer as he begins to furiously rub your pearl but the way you squeeze around him makes it hard.

His hips stutter but he knows you’re close too as you begin to spasm around him. He digs himself into you with one final thrust before painting your walls white with his seed.

“We will have the wedding this week, my darling. I’ll wait no longer for you.”

comment to be added to the taglist

[slickfordain]

POOKS I HAVE AN IDEA

Ahem...yandere aiden, logan, tyler n ash or whoever u want w WEAK READER N YK THEY R PRETTY OVERPROTECTIVD OF HER WHY? bc she is fragile af-- always manage to get herself injured in the most dunb ways possible n how tf is she gonna manage to survive in this realm? She needs them ‼️‼️

𝕭𝖗𝖚𝖙𝖆𝖑 𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞 // School Bus Graveyard

TW: Yandere themed, NO NSFW, gore/injuries mentioned, fragile!female!reader who is paranoid and anxious, AU explanation-wise writing? It’s kind of short but it’s like an explanation what my SBG x reader AU is;;u ;

You don’t know how you even ended up here in this situation…. Restless sleep, insomnia, hallucinations,— Ah… Who am I kidding? You knew exactly what was happening and it all started way back when you were ordered to tutor around the new students. Being the one who wasn’t new, it was hard to keep a conversation with them because….. One would keep her distance away, one would be thrilled to nag the girl who distanced away, the twins didn’t give a damn, and… Ben and Logan were probably the only ones who ever offered to listen to you.

However despite those hours you eventually got to bond with them, all because of… Well…. You tripping down the stairs all of the sudden until Ashlyn caught you. And that’s where the spark happened… That’s what clicked in Ashlyn’s mind to suddenly want to protect you, with you in her arms looking hopeless and defenseless. The group claimed you as their pink princess but, you didn’t thought much of it….

And why they even bother to call you that, you still felt loved at least by your friends.

But… Every time you walk home after hanging out with them, especially on that trip, your hands wouldn’t stop shaking. The thought of that hideous creature behind Ashlyn…. You haven’t left your house since then, and gave excuses to your teacher even for him to understand.

You’ve never felt anything weird like this before… The ones you are looking to avoid were mostly creepy men, or just in general a group of people who you think could possibly bully you, or take advantage.

So why? Why did you suddenly have to endure horror?

❝[NAME]!!!❞

You’ve impaled yourself on accident by trying to get away from a monster, you’ve tripped and fallen into a dark void where you died by the fall, you even somehow died by trying to save Tyler, but you ended up dying anyways! It was getting so… So much harder…

You’ve gotten injured. Over, and over, and over again. It’s pissing Ashlyn, Aiden, Tyler— everyone off. It was as if they saw life flash before their eyes…. And while you’re alive in the real world, with no scratches or injuries, they couldn’t afford to lose you again. To make you hopeless, to make you unable to walk.

It was another dream, another dream where suddenly you’re locked in the bird cage Aiden had somehow decided to buy… You stared confused, yearning for an explanation…. But the boys and girls wouldn’t give you any.

❝Guys..? Please… I thought we were a team..❞

❝Princess… We are! We swear…! Please don’t take it badly! We’re doing this for your own good…❞

You couldn’t really argue with them. You’re just tired and you have been unable to get proper sleep… You suppose it’s okay but… It wasn’t getting better as you thought it would. Despite dreams having you only locked up every now and then, in the morning in reality- you are FOLLOWED constantly by either the twins, Ashlyn, Aiden, or Ben… Logan? Probably cameras in your house (not your bedroom or bathroom) to ensure you made it home safely.

It’s getting out of hand. It’s going bizarre, but are you doing something about it? NO! Their parents scares you! You don’t want to break your friendship either… You knew how easily broken they’d be… And… You don’t want to handle or deal with Aiden’s family, nor do you wanna karate with Ashlyn’s mother. You can’t even fight!

So the only thing you could do was just… Accept it as it is. And let it be… Although you probably aren’t aware that the parents adores you, finding you so sweet and matchable for their little children. You don’t pay attention to that, all you could focus on were your eyebags and your injured body…. There wasn’t anything, reality-wise, but God it stung that you could barely make it through school. Even though I kind of said you give excuses…. You still had to do exams for at least collage….

Don’t take them wrong, they’d love for you to stay safe and to not join the horror attraction… But also, after the reveal when the parents could also see the demonic creatures, it instantly clicks that you weren’t safe. Nor were your parents. (Don’t give a damn about your parents, they don’t like them)

They need you. They constantly need you. They can’t have you out of your cage, but they can’t have you out of the dreams as well…. Which considers leading it to having you as some sort of a motivation. They need you to support them for everything they do.

So when the parents are going into that situation, it’s best to believe they NEED you with them so nobody in reality can kidnap you while they’re asleep…. Fighting off monsters, you know?

And the shady guys? Do not worry a single thing about them at all.

I mean, what more could you possibly do than to be stuck in your own bedroom or classroom? You’re going nowhere near the stores or arcade. Not after that Logan incident, that is….

[askinkiskarma]

ꜰᴀʟꜱᴇ ɢᴏᴅ | ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ɪɪ: ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ 'ᴛɪʟ ɪ'ᴍ ʙᴜʀɴɪɴ' ᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙᴀᴄᴋʙᴜʀɴᴇʀ

pairing: dilf!Jake Sully x (f)human/avatar!reader

synopsis: Jake struggles to adapt with the way being next to you is making him feel.

this story will contain an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship, and dark themes (smut, mental health, death, violence, infidelity), so pls read at your own discretion.

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, angst, age-gap (23 vs 43), (a little) smut at the end

wc: 6.1k words

a/n: umm, hi there?? do you remember me? i know it's been such a long time and I am so so sorry, but I am backkk besties!!! i am so happy to finally be able to complete chapter two and I hope you enjoy because it's quickly picking up pace. i really hope this isn't garbage, i'm so so out of practice and so insecure about my writing, but i still hope you are able to understand and enjoy this, because i am so excited to finally be back writing.

ps: this story will move perspectives and timelines a lott, so i hope it's not too confusing but pls do let me know if it is and i'll figure something out xx

replies and reblogs are massively appreciated, i loveee to hear from you so much!

na'vi compendium: tanhi - bioluminescent freckles, paskalin - sweet berry (term of endearment)

series masterlist (x)

Maybe I'm just not better than this, I haven't tried Maybe life's less romantic when I don't wanna die You'd think I'd be a fast learner But guess I won't ever mind crisping up on your backburner

Jake has always felt comfortable in nature. Even back on Earth, the comfort of a bed was a luxury mostly lost on him throughout his life. It was peaceful, and comforting, feeling the ground beneath his feet, beneath his skin, malleable and nurturing, like a warm embrace. It was a given here, with the connection the Na’vi had with the world around them, with the forest surrounding them, that he would become one with it, too, that he would find solace in it. He did, most days. Just not tonight, as he lay on the slightly damp surface with an arm underneath his head for support, trying to find meaning in the stars that were still so beautiful and bright they took his breath away, trying to calm his erratic heartbeat and his wandering thoughts. 

What was that? This whole day, that conversation that was still ringing in his ears like an insipid echo, making sweat bead on his forehead and trickle down his temples, until they were one with the soil. Why would you say that? What possessed him to confide in you about parts of his life he forsook, he gave up what felt like eternities ago?

He’s never truly noticed you before. The shy, timid girl who was far too attuned to others’ feelings to be able to overlook the disdain still present in some members’ of the clan when it came to anything human, always holed up in that lab he hated, that was at odds with everything he’s come to known and too much like everything he was trying his best to leave behind. It used to be different back then, when you were young, just a child craving connection and companionship, always tied to the hip to his eldest son, Neteyam, where Spider always took more to his two middle children. Par for the course, he thought. You and Neteyam were much alike, and somehow still managed to complement each other well, at the same time. He used to think you’d be good for him, back then. Not that he’d ever tell Neytiri that, the seemingly blasphemous idea, but yes - he thought that, even before you got an Avatar. But now, the thought made him uneasy - queasy, even. It wouldn’t be right. Your relationship would be frowned upon, and the Omaticaya would never look at you and see the future Tsa’hik that’s meant to lead them, to interpret their deity’s way. You were too fragile, too tuned in to your own and others’ emotions to be able to overcome it, and it would break you. Being with Neteyam would break you. 

The night was torturous and slow, so many thoughts eating away at him like a disease. By the time Eclipse passed, he was ready for this trip to be over. Being here with you alone wasn’t good, he realises now. It was a mistake, to talk to you, to look into your eyes, to notice you. Because now that he did, he couldn’t stop. The way your Avatar body twitched in sleep, the way he couldn’t help wonder what you were doing in your human body - were you sleeping, like you should be? Was this on your mind, this night, the same way it was his? Were you cramming everything you once used to do in a day in the few hours you had in your now secondary body?

“Oh, kid. You better know how to fix this better than I do.” 

“Is the Avatar safe?”

Norm trusted Jake with his life, and still, he knew he had to ask. The scientist in him, the Avatar program leader de facto, he’s always taken every responsibility, every chance to prove himself to the Na’vi and to his late mentor, Grace Augustine, very seriously. And that included taking care of you. You were not his blood, but you were his family, and he wanted to protect you, he wanted you to be alright. And so when Jake suggested getting some much needed tutelage, he was happy to wait until the night to hear all about it. 

“You know it is.”

“How did it go?”

“Well, I think. He was right, I guess. I definitely feel a bit more comfortable outside of the village, of all the prying eyes.” 

“Amazing. Do you have plans for tomorrow?”

“I’m… not sure. I think… I overstepped.” The blush in your cheeks and eyes glued to your fiddling feet made Norm’s brown eyebrow rise, a small grimace mirroring the one marring your beautiful, soft features. Still, he placed a hand on your head, gently brushing the stray hairs that were raised from the hours of being in the cryocapsule.

“I find that hard to believe.”

“He… told me about his life on earth. About his father, and I… made a comment. I have no idea how he reacted to it, but now that I’m here, I have no chance to fix it.”

“I’m sure whatever it is, it’s not as bad as you think. We always tend to overthink in our heads, and, as humans, we always tend to see the worst in ourselves. You, more than most.”

After helping you out, making sure you were settled on your wobbly, weak knees, he gave your shoulder a small squeeze and left to his quarters, but not before telling you one last thing.

“I think someone overstepping once in a while is exactly what a man who’s always obeyed needs. Go to sleep, love.” 

The next morning, you felt dizzy as you woke up in the forest, slight groan audible with every stretch that allowed your sore muscles to loosen. You weren’t surprised to see Jake already up, busying himself with gutting a fish which would most likely constitute your breakfast. You gulped at the sight of him, veiny arms expertly handling the animal, his relaxed postured at odds with the slight frown on his face. Was that because of you? Was he mad at you? What possessed you to talk to him like he was a friend and not the Toruk Makto, the mighty Olo’eyktan? What possessed you to confess about an old crush, that died with your innocence about the world, about the same time you finally started to notice how the Omatikaya, particularly Neytiri, have looked at you all your life. 

“Um, good morning.” 

His eyes flickered over to you, lingering for a second longer than they needed to on your golden eyes before turning back swiftly, and the expression he adorned, a mixed between shame, guilt and desire, would have been obvious to anyone with more life experience, but not to you. Still, you noticed the blush in his cheeks, and couldn’t help the anxiety bubbling in your chest at what… or whom, might be the cause of it. 

“‘Morning, kid. D’you sleep well?” 

“I guess. You?” 

“One of us have to stay up and keep an eye out for predators, you know. Can’t have you get eaten before I’m done teaching you how to defend yourself.” His smile was teasing, and if it was an effort to put your mind at ease, you did appreciate it. It made what you had to say next come out easier.

“Listen, Jake… what I said last night… it was none of m-“

“It’s alright, kid. It’s been a while since anyone’s contradicted me, apart from my wife, so…” his laugh was rugged and unforced, and you couldn’t help join in at the sonorous melody that rang in your ears and all of a sudden couldn’t imagine being without. 

“So you don’t hate me?” 

Jake’s eyes settled on your own, but not before flickering to your parted lips, so focused and eager, you were clinging on to his every word, waiting desperately to be put out of your misery. 

“No, kid. I don’t hate you.” 

Jake didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he did know one thing: it was just a stupid conundrum, nothing more. He didn’t feel anything for you, he was just taken aback by someone who seemed to be a lot more intuitive and incisive about someone’s inner workings than he gave you credit for. But that’s it. Just because you talked about something he cared about, that nobody asked him about, just because he confessed to you feelings he hasn’t said out loud in more than 24 years… that didn’t mean anything. He had a mate. A mate he loved, a mate he was sworn to forever. He had a family, children, a life. It was nothing. So he did his duty and helped you, keeping a safe distance and the conversation to a minimum, outside of instructions he ought to give you. Still, despite his apprehensions, being with you was easy. You were docile and listened well, you were quiet and kept to yourself, and, in the moments you did talk, there was a pureness, a light to your heart that made his own feel lighter. 

“Good form. Now focus on the target and, when you’re ready…”

He watched as the arrow flew at high speed and travelled the length of the forest until it hit the ground next to a tree marked with an X - a makeshift target, but it did the job. 

“Release.” 

“Sorry.” Your ashamed disposition was as clear as day on your face and in your body language, and the purple twinge in your cheeks brought forth the luminosity of your tanhi and he hated himself for noticing it to begin with. 

“Don’t be. You did well. Just make sure you draw all the way back before releasing. The target’s a bit narrower than you’re used to, so you’re doing well.” 

His eyes softened taking you in. A sigh reverberated from deep within his chest and he said the words before he could stop himself, fully knowing he might regret them later. 

“Let’s focus on your tracking instead for a little while. A change of scenery might do you well.”

He knew he should leave the tracking skills for back to the village, for someone else to teach you. He should just hurry back home - to his life, to his wife, to the normalcy he’s both craving and desperately afraid of. Any extra time spent with you is time where he could talk and say something, confess something else that is better left unsaid, fall prey to your uncanny ability to see through him, to will out words he hasn’t even realised he’s been dying to say out loud. 

The ground was wet and cold, accentuated by the heavy moisture surrounding you. it still took getting used to, the air, breathing it in and out, like you were born to do so, such a colossal departure from the mask that covered your face for most of 23 years of your life. Still, it was a blessing, and one you made sure to appreciate with every breath you took. You forgot a little about it, all the gratitude, as the air felt particularly dense and thick as you took it in, as the man you now called mentor crawled skilfully like a steady, stealthy apex predator, little to no evidence of his presence other than the hand that was rested carefully on the small of your back, sending bouts of electricity all throughout your body. His voice was quiet as he spoke it near your ear, a velvet shroud that enveloped you and stirred something in you, something primal and carnal, something you’ve never felt before. What was happening to you? What was he doing to you?

“Lower, kid. The lower you are to the ground, the fainter your scent, the easier to hide.” 

“I-it’s… hard.” 

You could hear his smirk as he answered your quiet protestation, and you wondered whether he found it endearing or irksome, praying and hoping with as much power as you still had left in you that it was the former. 

“I know, girl. Guess we’ll have to train those abs for more core strength, huh?” 

You were happy your back was to him so he couldn’t see the violent blush haunting your cheeks, but even so, there was little you could do about your rampant heart or your heaving breath.

“I can hear your heartbeat like it’s echoing through the whole forest. And if I can, every other animal on a half a click radius can, too. You have to learn to calm your mind. Can you do that for me?”

Although what he was asking of you seemed impossible, considering his touch set your body and soul ablaze and your mind’s already erratic rumination seemed to reach an incandescent high, you tried, and although every muscle in your body hurt and ached, much like the first few times you allowed yourself to train in this body, you did as you were told, and, by early afternoon, you managed to track a pack of Yarik without even as much of a perk of the ear to give you away. You remember still, those early days, like they were happening to you now, as you stood here, in your bedroom, as the tears blurred the familiar space, the rock you were holding so tightly in your hand that it was cutting through your palm until all that inundated your sight was a watercolour red stain. You should have known then. What would follow. When he touched you, how it made you feel, you should have known to stay away. Norm once told you life, especially in your 20s, was about the joys and miseries of growing pains, but if you knew, how the journey was full of polarising extremes that pulled at every fibre of your being, how the high was insurmountable, but the pain was unbearable, maybe you would have thought twice before jumping in. 

You wonder if he knew, then. If he felt it, too. You wonder if he realised that this was the beginning of the end, if the pull you felt was the same one that drove him to what came after, to all he ended up putting on the line. You wondered if it was all a ploy, getting you alone, or if he truly just wanted to help, innocent and undiscerning, just a dutiful Olo’eyktan. You thought you knew his heart, and how much it hid and how much it hurt, you thought you came to know it all through all this time, but as the bleeding in your heart mirrored your gashing palm, you weren’t sure anymore. 

“Come.”

The Yarik were all gone now, unfrightened by your unassuming presence, which you took as a win. Still, you almost flinched when his now much louder voice rang above the quiet murmur of the forest. 

“Where?”

“You worked hard today, so you deserve a break. And I know just the spot.” 

Jake wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, what he was about to do, but he knew you needed something to break apart the times of pain and struggle. It was something he’s learnt, being here, on Pandora, as one of the people, that there was more to life than duty, than sacrifice and pain, then the daily struggle of fitting in, of pitching in, of simply existing. You had to live life, face it, enjoy it. And he wanted you to have that, especially now. He understood, more than most, what it was like to be inhibited and trapped to a space or a time, paralysed, literally or figuratively to your immutable circumstance. For him, it was his legs, trapping him in a body he hated and couldn’t recognise, in habits he took on just like the soldier he’s always been, because there was nothing else he could do. For you, it was your human body, that confined you to the lab, to a mask, to a life that could never be experienced fully, until now. So, despite a small part, probably the logical part of his mind, telling him he should just keep the training going or go home, he decided to share with you a place he found while hunting for food last night. And when he saw your face as you took it in, all doe-eyed and bushy tailed, ears twitching enthusiastically and a beautiful, innocent smile taking over your whole face, he knew he made the right call. He found his own smile brewing without being able to contain it, your joy so contagious, it was like the whole world shone just a little brighter than it had a few minutes ago.

“Jake… I love it. Thank you.”

The roar of the waterfall crashing on the otherwise peaceful lake almost drowned your words, and he laughed at the way you were tentatively approaching the water, as if scared that the caress of it on your skin might hurt your already aching muscles. 

“Good. Let’s see how you like it up close.” 

And with that, and a gentle tap on your shoulder, a loud splash ensued where you hit the water. He laughed yet again at the way you emerged from it, wet and startled and almost as if you could not believe what just happened. 

“I-I… you… I cannot believe you did that!” 

He couldn’t help how much fun it was, doing this, being with you - it was as if for the first time in ages, in decades, being alive was fun again. It was as if this forest was completely separated from his own, from what was waiting for him back home, the unsurmountable pressure that plagued him every second of every day, especially since the humans returned. 

“Believe it, kid. You need to learn to let loose once in a while, you know?”

You rolled your eyes, but seemed intrigued by his preposition. 

“I will if you will.” 

And so he did. And for the next few hours, life was easygoing and fun, and spending time in your presence felt like coming out for a deep breath when it felt like he’d been drowning. He’s learnt you didn’t really know how to swim, and that the first song you’ve ever learnt on piano was one you deeply related to, that he’s made you promise you’d sing to him, and he found out plenty of small things, but nothing important, or of substance. It was clear to him more and more you loved being the one asking the questions and never the one answering them, and, soon enough, here you were again, curious as a cat about things nobody else was when it came to him.

“Did you ever expect it?” the sun was still shining brightly upon you both, warming your strong, supple bodies as you floated in the otherwise cold water. Eclipse wasn’t too far behind, but right now, neither of you particularly seemed to care. 

“What’s that?” You continued floating, looking intently at the sky - focused or too embarrassed to look at him, Jake couldn’t really tell. 

“Everything. What you did, what happened. Did you ever expect it, when you were offered a place on a shuttle to Pandora?” Once again, Jake was taken aback by your propensity of asking deep, profound, intimate questions like you were asking about the weather. He wondered briefly if you realised that that’s not how most people talked.

“No… I didn’t. I didn’t care, about the job or the mission. I cared about the money. And later, about the chance to get my legs back.” 

“Do you ever miss it? Being… normal.” 

“I was given a second chance - a purpose bigger than me, bigger than the measly life I left behind. I -“ this finally got your attention, and for the first time since your first question, you adjusted your position in the water so that you were fully facing him, inquiring eyes like beads of light and focus, intent on taking in every expression, every shift in mood, every slight adjustment of his face. You tried again, this time more forceful and intense, this time almost demanding of his full attention.

“That wasn’t my question. It’s a privilege, and an honour, to be who you are…”

He struggled as he always did to stifle a roll of his eyes and the speech he’s heard a million times before, from his wife, or his Tsa’hik, from every villager of the Omatikaya, from every other tribe leader he’s ever met through diplomatic missions. The answer he always kept at the ready was caught in his throat, because you kept going.

“…but I’m sure it’s also tiring, and hard. And lonely. So do you ever miss it? Do you ever wish things could go back to the way they were? Do you ever wish you didn’t have to be there for everybody all the time?”

He looked at you, pleading, not knowing whether he needed you to stop or keep going, only knowing it hurt, being torn at the seams like that between two choices that both led to heartbreak and epiphanies he wasn’t ready to face nor strong enough to deal with on his own, especially right now.

“Kid…” 

“I went too far again, didn’t I? What is wrong with me?” 

The attempt to get out of the lake was swiftly overthrown by his much stronger physique keeping you in place, caging you in between the edge of the lake and his muscular arms. Jake wasn’t an emotional man, he wasn’t one to be overcome with feelings that could cloud his judgement, that could interfere with a plan of action and yet, standing there, in that moment, your wide golden eyes looking fearfully and surprisedly up at him, the rapid pulse of your heart clearly visible in your carotid artery running up your neck, he felt his mind clouded and his own heart trembling with the overwhelming, unexpected urge to taste you, to feel those lips crashing over his, your tongues intertwined, his fingers wander in wondrous places he was sure no one else had before. He needed you, like he’s scarcely ever needed anything else, like he rarely ever allowed himself to. But you weren’t his, you never would be. And this was wrong and immoral, and it didn’t matter - that you seemed to be able to see right through him, that everything you said cut like a knife through all the bullshit and pretence, that your pupils were so wide they were swallowing the golden of your irises, that he could feel that you wanted it too. None of it mattered. 

“You didn’t go too far. You just… see things. And ask things, no one else ever does. And it scares me, kid. You scare the shit out of me.” 

“Me? I’m nothing. I’m… just a girl.”

“You’re everything.”

It was then you knew, that the crush was not a crush, it was so much more, too much more. It was then you knew you were heading for a potentially life-altering, life-ending fall that would break all your bones and leave you tethered on the ground, shattered and broken, unable to ever be put back together the same. And so you tried. You broke the moment that felt eternal, even though it pained you, to know at some point he wouldn’t be looking at you the way he had been then, and asked him to go home. You were quiet and compliant all the way back, and he made it easier on you by a performance of the same caliber. You didn’t know if it made you feel better or worse, that the moment clearly affected him too, enough that both of you looked like dogs with their tails between their tails as you arrived back in the village, without having spoken another word to the other, without as much as risking a glance in the other’s direction.

It was for the best. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that could come of entertaining this little troubled happenstance, and truth be told, you couldn’t wait for your life to get back to normal, where he barely spoke to you and you were free to withdraw within yourself the way you knew you had to in order to heal. You were able to get over your mindless crush once before, and you were certain to be able to do it again, especially given you would had the perfect opportunity in the annual clan celebration that you had come just in time for. 

“How was it?” Neteyam was quietly hopeful about your trip with his dad, eager to be able to call you one of the People as soon as he possible could. Any effort to aid that, to allow you closer to a life he knew you deserve and knew you could make your own, was beneficial and encouraged in his mind. You loved Neteyam, and appreciate him for who he was and what he meant to you - a brother, a best friend, a confidant. You told him most things and yet, some things were just too ugly to share, and so you didn’t. Some things were better off swept under the rug, praying the lump they made was not big enough to trip on. 

“Great. I think he was right, being away from all the prying eyes helped. Guess I’ll just have to show you tomorrow. Who knows? I might even be better than the mighty warrior soon, eh?” 

He threw his head back and laughed, and you joined in his joy, already feeling better just being away from him, leisurely walking trough the village and helping out with anyone who needed a hands for tonight’s celebration. 

“Dream on, paskalin. Although, you could show me what you learnt tonight, and maybe even win a prize in the knife throwing contest. Better than sulk all night in a corner the way I know you’re itching to do.” 

“Actually, I wasn’t planning on doing that. Not tonight.” 

“Oh?” You wish you hadn’t said that, because you should have realised Neteyam would be curious and it was a subject you didn’t feel ready to talk to anyone about, especially a man, a beautiful, glorious, obviously-experienced one, such as your best friend. 

“I just mean, it’s time, you know? To try to live my life. Maybe even find someone with whom to share it with.” 

“Y-you mean… like a mate?” 

Neteyam looked taken aback by your confession, so much so that he stopped in the middle of the path, making two children bump into his legs and fall down behind him. It took a lot to make Neteyam flustered, and so you couldn’t understand why your words affected him so much. Was it so unsettling to people, the thought of an Avatar finding love on the planet that wasn’t quite home, but was the only chance at home you would ever get? Were you so repulsive as a person that the one who knew you the best thought it hard to digest that you could ever be loved by a man? 

“Forget about it, Neteyam. I’ll be at the celebration, alright? I should go get ready.” 

You left before you could hear his excuses or explanations - you knew you were sensitive, probably too sensitive. You knew you were probably overreacting, and his words didn’t have any malintent, and you knew he was most likely just taking a second to adjust to a new stage of your life you’ve never shared with him before. You knew all of these and more, and yet, your heart was tired and bruised, your mind a tumultuous whirlwind of doubt and misery. You needed time, time to heal, time to think. Time you didn't have, when the celebration was upon you.

You almost wanted to laugh now, months after that night happened, at how stupid you had been that night, how desperate and pathetic. You knew about some Na'vi, certain warriors who loved the idea of humans, of experimenting with them, of using them. You've heard the stories, you've seen the scientists coming back to the lab with them, you've been around when they talked about how good it was, how necessary the release, how passionate and life-changing the experience. In your head, that was exactly what you needed then: some sex with some random Na'vi who wanted to show you a good time, help you forget about the one you really wanted. It wasn't hard enough to find one that night, especially after you won your prize in the knife throwing competition, when the warmth of liquid courage was still embedded deep within your throat and soul, much to Neteyam's dismay. Still, the performance attracted attention, of one man in particular you cared about. Strong, 10 feet tall and muscular, he was looking at you like a meal and right then, you wanted nothing more to be devoured. You wondered what your life would have been like if that night went differently than it did. You wondered...

He barely noticed it, his wife’s touches or his clan members’ words of admiration or respect, not when the only thing his mind could focus on was the way his hand was caressing your shoulder and down your arm in gentle and intimate touches that felt too familiar for two people who have seemingly barely ever interacted before. His skin crawled at the sweet, shy smile you were sending his way and at the slight tint of purple he could see in your cheeks. You were too pure for this, Jake knew. Too pure for the intentions clear on his face that he didn’t think you fully understood, how this was all a game, a conquest, how you were a prize to be won, a trophy to be paraded around to the Na’vi who loved to brag about fucking the Avatars, the humans, the aliens. It was a game to him, and you… you weren’t a game to be played, not to Jake. 

To his surprise, he realised he was angry with you. Angry that you were humouring him, that you were giving into it, that you were enjoying it. That guy was not good enough for you, and you should know that. You should know that for your first time being touched, being someone else’s, you needed someone who knew how to handle you, how to make you feel good, show you what it feels like to give in to your wildest dreams and fantasies. You needed someone to teach you. The fury bubbling just beneath the surface worried him.

You weren’t his. You were free to do as you wished, and the thoughts that plagued him as the mother of his children was sitting in his lap, perfectly unaware, were enough to pool other feelings, like guilt and shame, and form a heady concoction of emotions that he knew sooner or later would explode all around him. None of the feelings trumped the relief that washed over him as soon as he saw Lo’ak approach the two of you and break apart the scene, and right then, in that moment, Jake never felt more grateful for his troublemaker son and his propensity for meddling in other people’s business.

You looked disappointed with the interruption, slightly irked at his son and at the way the hand that was running up and down your thigh was now vacant from the spot you obviously thought it belonged on. The boy was clearly annoyed at Lo’ak, and a smirk breeched the carefully constructed expression resting on the Olo’eyktan’s face - annoyed or not, everyone knew better than to challenge one of his sons. So, with a careful goodbye, he was gone, leaving you gesticulating widely in his direction and clearly despondent with the outcome. It wasn’t long before you left for your tent, and Jake knew that if he was to survive this night, he’d have to be careful not to give in to the one thing he wished for the most in the world. 

Your shower was hotter than what you were used to, hot enough to hopefully scald away the shame and embarrassment you felt now that you were sober once more. Your life seemed to be comprised mostly of those, recently, and while it was somewhat easy to forget how badly you fared in training your Avatar body once you got back to your bedroom and the safe confines of the labs, this new, fresh development lingered like a cold sore, painful whenever you remembered it. Did anyone else apart from Lo’ak see you, shamelessly flirting and allowing a Na’vi warrior to feel you up? Did everyone know how desperately you wanted someone to take you away and make you forget about the one man you actually wanted, the man who made all the other ones pale in comparison, the one man who you couldn’t have? You knew it was so wrong, how badly you craved his touch, what effect even a fleeting image of him in the back of your mind had on you, how your slick was running down your legs, how your brain couldn’t stop conjuring all the ways he could teach you how to be, how to love, how to live. How you knew his touch would ruin you and put you back together, kill you and finally bring you to life. 

As you fastened your towel onto your body and opened the door to your bedroom, you were startled to find the one man you couldn't shake from your mind sitting on your bed, eyes wandering over your barely dry body.

“God, Jake, you scared me!”

You couldn't believe he was in your room, as if by thinking about him hard enough you manifested him here. He was so tall, so much bigger than you as you stood now, in your human body, frail and delicate and so easy to break. He barely fit on your bed and in your room, taking most of the walking space, so much so you struggled to adjust your position to face him properly.

“…What are you doing here?” 

“What were you doing with that grunt at the party?”

You couldn't believe your ears, settling on a double take as you considered his question carefully, mulling over every word in your mind, as if doing so will finally reveal a secret meaning to it that you couldn't quite understand yet.

“Pardon?” 

“You heard me, kid.”

His words were dry and humourless. There was no levity to them, or to the situation, the room filled with thick tension, and for the first time in your life, you were almost...scared of him. Why did he care?

“I… he… we…”

“That’s what I thought. Why him? If you want someone to mate, I’m sure there’s better options out there.” 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Jake.”

You started turning around, dizzy from the way his presence was making you feel and tired of giving him so much power to do so. You didn't manage to, though, as his large hand caught your forearm and held you in place, and when you were forcefully turned back to look at him, you saw it all. The hurt. The anger. The... betrayal. The jealousy.

“No, this isn’t how this works. You always ask questions and get me talking about shit I haven’t said out loud in decades, or ever. You’re not going shy on me now, not anymore. So why him?” 

Fuck it.

“Because it’s not you, ok?! Because it can’t be you! And I don’t know if you’ve realised this, but it’s not like I have a line of men willing to mate or even be seen with a human, an alien, a sky demon. So it has to be him! That’s why.” 

“Kid…”

The tears were pooling in your eyes like beaded pearls making your vision blurry, and the struggle with which you've been trying to remove yourself from his grasp finally paid off because you did it, you finally manage to break free, but it was too late. You were exhausted, and you knew it was time to lay it all on the table, once and for all, for him to know, and to disprove, for him to break your heart so you could finally move on.

“No, Jake! You’re in my head, all the time. It’s messing with my mind, the deluded reality I’ve been living in. You talk to me, and you notice me, and you give me attention. You touch me, and you look at me like…”

Soft sobs broke your words apart and let their meaning linger all around you, sounding like infinite echoes in the room. It would all be over soon.

“...Like you want me. And I know you don’t, and I know it’s not real, and it hurts me! So I need something else, I need someone else, I need someone to show me there’s other men out there, to pull me out of this nightm-“

His lips, soft and needy, not at all like you imagined them to be, ceased your pleading words before you got a chance to speak them. It took a second, just one second, for you to understand what was happening, to process the way the kiss was everything you've ever wanted and more than you've ever dreamed about, the way he was desperate and hungry for your touch, for you to reciprocate his feelings... so you did. And you melted under his touch, and before long, the whole world disappeared from view, and there were no consequences to your actions, and all you knew, all you needed... was him.

You were both panting when you finally came up for air, and all you wanted was more. More. A little more. Always more.

“Fuck, kid. You’ve got no idea how much I want you. But I’ll show you.” His hand wandered down your much smaller body, until his large fingers found the knot of your bathrobe, that he skilfully undoes, before sliding them over your soaked folds. “Shit. Look how wet you are for me. Let me show you, please.” 

With a nod, you dropped your head backwards and knew, in your heart, whatever was next would be the beginning of the end, of you, of him, of everything you’ve both worked so hard for and yet, all you felt was unadulterated, heavenly, euphoric bliss. 

Maybe I blame my mother bleeding into my stride Maybe it was my father and his wandering eyes (It's their fault that) I'll always be in your corner 'Cause I don't feel alive 'til I'm burnin' on your backburner

taglist:@yagirlheree @mashiromochi @deepdarktower @tojisleftarm@childofgod-05 @youngpersonaathletebear @cinetrix @hinataashoyos @i-live-in-a-fantasy-daydream @misscaller06 @v1l-ismissing @legendarynoodlebowl@analuw @imjustcal @the-fractured-eye @pandoraontop @sweetirilly @kouyoumarryme @blxkstar @ok-boke @myheartfollower @the-mourning-moon @pandoraslxna @jakexneytiri @blue-slxt @kingjulian0o9 @erenjaegerwifee @babyduk213 @@toocoldoutsideforyou

[oshinohoshi]

Oshi no Ko - In defense of Ai's "lies"

Warning: Manga spoilers below.

This post is a reaction to people occasionally saying, "Maybe Ai was the real villain all along" or "But Ai lies" as evidence of her character being sucky. And just... come on. I know, dear reader, that you understand how silly that is but I'm gonna spell it out anyway.

I always want to say in response: "Who did Ai hurt with her lies?" There is one character you may be thinking of and I'll get to that, but the person she hurt the most was herself. Because she told herself nonsense about how she was an irresponsible, dirty liar.

This breaks my fragile heart because this, right here, is the lie. Her negative self-talk stemming from a childhood filled with abuse and loneliness framed her issues with understanding love as if it were her fault and not, I dunno, the woman who fed her glass (see 45510) and abandoned her.

What were Ai's lies? Should they even be classified as such? Let's break it down:

She hid her kids. I would hardly call this a lie so much as a totally normal boundary for a celebrity with a public and private life. It only mattered because of the absurd standards for idols. It was more of a lie by omission anyway, but if someone asked her point blank if she had kids (maybe after one too many times nearly mentioning her kids lol) it would be perfectly acceptable to say no.

She put on a happy face at all times, hiding her emotions. This primarily hurt herself because it increased her social isolation and caused the girls in B Komachi to view her as untouchable and inhuman. Nino wouldn't have been so hurt by their fight if Ai better knew how to express herself, or maybe even if she had shown that she cared by yelling back, but that's a lot to expect from someone with Ai's background and lack of experience with relationships.

There's also Ai's neurodivergence. I don't want to speculate too much about that as I am not hugely familiar with the topic besides what I've learned by googling, but it can cause difficulty with social situations and expressing emotions. Sounds pretty familiar.

We are told in ch 137: "She could neither love nor trust people. She was timid and sensitive. She got hurt after being at odds with her friends. She really was an ordinary girl you could find anywhere. That's why she lied. A big lie that concealed her weak self completely."

Another description for this is a defense mechanism. Ai was not raised in an environment where vulnerability was met with reassurances. Moreover, as an idol it was hammered into her that she needed to hide anything about herself that could be deemed as negative or ugly. Anything that made her human. Ichigo told her at age 12 to lie until she understood love. She was set up from the get go to consider herself nothing but a liar.

She lied to Hikaru when she said, "I can't love you." This is actually not a big lie so much as the most negative take on her emotions. She wasn't sure she could love him but she wanted to. The real untruth is the way she flippantly strolled out the door as if she didn't care about him. But that doesn't make her a villain and her reasons are obvious given everything told to us about her in ch 137 and her avoidant tendencies she used as a shield to protect herself. She handled the breakup with all the grace of an elephant wearing ice skates but I'm not about to blame her for it.

She lied about love. I saved the big one for last. The thing her characterization hinges on. But it was hardly a lie at all. Not only because she actually did love her kids or that she was trying so hard to love which was its own form of love ("lies are love"), but because the idea of having to love her fans in a personal manner that goes beyond appreciation is actually ridiculous.

Nobody expects an office worker to love their clients or someone working at Starbucks to love their customers. But as an idol she was marketed as a perfect, pure girl, someone men could project their fantasies onto and who was supposed to genuinely love each and every one of them in return. It's nonsense. Ai was certainly not the only idol failing to live up to this. She just took it incredibly hard because she felt her lack of understanding of love was a personal failing.

We are told that Ai was a liar but she was honest as often as she hid the truth. She asked Gotanda to film the real her after he called her out about putting on an act. She was candid in the fan Q&A in 45110. In Viewpoint B she wrote a song that expressed her genuine feelings. She adored her kids so much that she slipped up and nearly talked about them on camera. Ai wanted to share how they had impacted her life but couldn't except through veiled statements. She was completely honest with Ryosuke, treating the moment as if she was in a confessional detailing her sins.

None of this is to say Ai was perfect. We're bonked over the head with the fact that Ai was a regular person who could get angry, who was too timid to push herself to connect with her fellow members of B Komachi, who undoubtedly did and said things that did not reflect her best self just as we all do. But I don't think liar is her defining trait. It's probably not even in her top five. I would describe her as sensitive, loving, mischievous, playful, and intelligent (she could be airheaded but she was incredibly savvy about her image) before I'd call her a liar.

There is no Real Villain Ai. And I can't tell you how glad I am that the theory some people held about her forcing sex on Hikaru was thoroughly debunked. Right up there with people speculating that Crow Girl is actually reincarnated Ai. That just made me laugh. The last thing reincarnated Ai would do is jerk her kids around.

We're told Ai was a liar because that's how she viewed herself. It's not an objective fact or at least not a fact that trumps everything else about her. So the next time someone says "Ai was a liar" my response would be "OK. So what?"

[dollywheeler]

October 24th, 1996

Mike is such a DOUCHEBAG! What? Just because he’s back in town he thinks he can dictate how I live my fucking life?! I knew this would happen! Knew he would just go back to looking at me like the goddamn 5 year old he couldn't give a damn about! That was nothing but a nuisance!

As if I can’t take care of myself! God, if he thinks I give a shit about his opinion he’s going to be sorely disappointed! Sure, not jumping four feet in the air and possibly breaking my neck at seven in the morning where no one will find me for at least another hour, made sense. That I can place and admit to being dangerous! But just running? What? I’m so fragile I might twist my ankle?

Fuck, and the way he yelled at me? Like I’m some dumb child that should know better?? I do know better! Which is why I always leave a note with my exact route and expected time of return - not even because I think anything might happen, but because I have common human decency and don’t want mom to worry when she wakes up to find me gone! Something he could’t give a rat’s ass about!!

Seriously, it’s so fucking rich that he thinks he has the right to scold me about running around Hawkins - Hawkins of all places, as if there are more boring towns than this! - in the dark without adult supervision! I’m so mad it’s insane. I don’t think I’ve ever been this pissed off before, it’s genuinely quite impressive.

To think that an hour ago I was so content to wake up early and go for a run before school. I was in such a good mood too - he ruined it.

He just doesn’t understand! I already can’t practice my routine - not the full, difficult parts of it - so the least I can do is work on my cardio and stamina! But when I tell him that he’s all like “just ask a friend to come along next time!” And I try to tell him that’s not an option but he just - ugh. He doesn’t get it. There’s no point in practicing extra when everyone knows you’re doing it. It will just make everyone think I’m being a try-hard or a suck-up or whatever! Or just think I’m being weird for needing the extra practice!

Great, now I’m crying again because I'm pathetic! Fucking Mike. Fuck this shit.

Okay, so I didn’t actually finish this entry, for many reasons. I didn’t even start it properly - not that the “dear diary” really matters, I guess, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Anyway, even though it’s been hours, I’m still pissed off, don’t worry, but at least now I have the time and state of mind to finish. I’m skipping English as I’m writing this down - I know it’s terrible for a lot of reasons.

1, my school record, but what is Mike going to do? Report me? Fuck that. And fuck him.

2, It’s letting him win. I recognise that. But I guess I’m weak because I really can’t deal with seeing him right now. God I hate him.

3, Danny is probably wondering where I am, which means I’ll have to tell him what happened.

Damn - maybe I didn’t think this through. I can probably spin it - say I wasn’t feeling well or something. Except I don’t want to lie to him either… Well, it’s not technically a lie. Still, I’ll probably just tell him some part of the truth - he can know I was pissed at Mike. He doesn’t have any siblings but he’ll probably understand anyway.

To think that for a while I considered myself an only child… tragic. I was so fucking close to just having a cool older sister that was too far away to meddle in my life. I was in control of my life - I still am!

Mike just thinks he has a say all of a sudden - which he doesn’t. Two weeks of being civil does not a brother make!

Seriously, it was so disorientating to just be running one minute, thinking nice thoughts, wondering about the english assignment, only for Mr. Wheeler himself to actually see me and come storming out freaking out about me running in the dark! It's Hawkins in October! It's dark all the time!

I was so shocked, I could barely defend myself. God, the neighbours will probably have wondered what the fuck was going on - If our shouting match didn’t wake them I’m sure they’re dead.

The worst part was that I still had to go to school after… I'm sure everyone could tell I was off. Or at least Dylan would have, if she hadn't been a thousand miles away today herself. I'm kind of glad for it. Danny sending me worried glances was more than enough, and just getting to listen to Whitney rattle on about yearbook and today's lunch and whatever else was not living up to her standard was nice. Distracting.

Still, I wish I could just go home already - I want to lie down and mope and pretend like it's still three months ago when Mike was far far away! Then I wouldn't have to deal with his judgement and his meddling and his passive-aggressiveness towards mom and dad. And I could just kiss my boyfriend in school without fearing he might see.

Sadly, I still have cheer practice and I can't skip it. It's already bad enough that Dylan has a brace around her wrist again.

This just reminded me I'm still wearing Mike's bracelet - it really shouldn't make me feel better but it does. It's petty as hell, and he probably doesn't even remember it exists, but whatever.

He should just go back to not remembering me.

- Holly

[smilingangel582]

Afraid of nuthin'

Warning spoilers alert well until Heizou's hangout event and itto story quest

Ps. If u aren't a fan of tickling and friendly things that don't seem more your type and less bizarre, feel free to scroll down... thank you and enjoyyyy my loveliees!

(Lee!heizou and ler!Itto - featuring oopse... *clamps a hand on my mouth* It's a secret and a surprise ending)

***

"Heizouu!"

Startled by the booming voice outside of shimura's restaurant, the young detective Heizou almost spills his tea. It's the third time this month, at least... that Itto gets him to react so differently.

"Itto old chap... Maybe it's better to lower your volume down in public places. " Heizou squints with an assuring expression when the oni steps in almost slipping into a crashing speed at the fragile looking restaurant.

"Oopse, you got it my hombre," he salutes now, walking along with Heizou, who's in fact on his break but rather scavenging for some new intriguing mysteries under Sango's nose.

"Hey buddy," Itto speaks after a few minutes of strolling, probably out if boredom.

"Yes?"

"I'm interested... every instant I see ya, especially during the test of courage," Itto gestures comically as they walk outside Inazuma a bit "you don't seem scared of anything... right?"

Tricky... if he said yes, it would mean Itto will start a troublesome game of finding Heizou's fear, leading to trifling conclusions. Then if he says no... and admit he is. He'll have to spill the impossible. Truthfully, not even he knows what he's afraid... maybe when there will be a day that mysteries won't exist?

"Um... well Itto, I am a human so it might be dramatic to say I'm not scared..."

Either way as Heizou deduced Itto intends to investigate his fear.

Chuckling now "Well, say you are more fearless than an oni, but you are a wee human so I bet you are scared of something..."

Sighing Heizou shrugs and it took quite a while for Itto to even analyse and figure out anything.

Honestly, Heizou's job is still with him himself... no one can take his job. At least the traveller gladly isn't despite having exceptional skills.

"Maybe like me! Is it beans?"

"I'm a human not an Oni..."

Groaning even more Itto pouts a bit. Chuckling at the childish display of the large but kid oni, Heizou professes "Alright Itto, trust me... I'm afraid of somethings but I am not as brave as an oni... does that feel better?"

Oni grins but slightly accepting it. He turns to Heizou and then pokes side. "If I would say you certainly need to eat m-"

"H-hey!" Heizou arcs his back from the touch and backs off, tittering uneasily he states "Itto... space please..."

Curious oni is a dangerous oni, Heizou knew he's skilled to note that about him. Another poke but Heizou prepares by staggering back only to land on his back.

"Heizou? Are you perhaps ticklish?" A look of genuine delight in the discovery.

"H-huh why would you say that I-Itto?" Barely making eye contact.

The oni shrugs but helps him up and slightly offers a playful snicker, "ahh well my compadre you better watchout cause there is someone even scarier than an oni..."

"If you are referring to ghost-"

"Those too but!" He emphasises with a smirk, making Heizou connect the dots before Itto could get to the point. Gently trying to slip away, he stepped back, but Itto caught him without an effort by the arm holding it up as he began his conversation.

"You know who that guy is?"

Gulp, this is not good... if this oni really plans to tickle him, it's the end of his day.

Tactic one, distraction...

"Ah, look at the time... uh... my breaks over Itto... hehe, I better head ba-ahahack!" He poked his ribs now.

Failed... abort! Abort!

"Shikanoin Heizou, you will get a visit from the tickle monster!!" As if he never heard a single word from Heizou since that topic. Fingers immediately dug into his bare sides, beginning his attack properly.

Maybe he should consider a change of clothing since Lumine enjoys poking him here and there.

"Ahaha wahait aha, maybe hehe, I am ticklish buhuhut... ihihits nohohot ahaha feheheeear!" Pushing his hands off slightly averting his eyes to see if there's a crowd watching him struggle to escape a child oni.

Itto's strength is commendable when he pins both his small wrist above his head "Heizou, look here bro, fear of tickles is something everyone has tho some tend to enjoy it...buuut" his fingers lightly tracing his stomach now heizou feels determined to admit he's got a fear of the tickle monster -or rather tickle oni.

"Well you are a detective... might spill a thing or two... right?"

"Aahahahas ihihif a lihihittle tihihickling cahahahan dohoho thahahat!?? Noho, sir!" Heizou's right arm kept pushing him away though with no success.

"Oooooh" mistake, big mistake Heizou realised too late. Too late! He squeaks "NO! Wait!"

Bursts in immediate laughter when Itto tickles his under arms. Itto nods casually "I see, so you are not afraid of the tickle monster making you spill the tea... my bro, if you promise to say the word Onikabuto I'll let you go... but that means you will submit to this little interrogation method..."

Since when did this Oni became soo... evil? Or bad? Heizou was too busy struggling the tickles that are total torture under his arms. He shakes his head "SEHEHERIOUSLY IHIHIHITTOO NOHOHO MORE GAHAHAHAMES... LEHEHET MEHEHE UP!"

"Armpits huh?" Itto snickers enjoying this waaaay more than the victim. Heizou can't even tickle back due to the struggles he wasted. "Well tell me what's the password! Come on little guy... I'll let you go if you say that... hmmm?"

His fingers slowly crawl down, making Heizou giggle but laughing less, as they remain on their sides still tickling. He squirms and yelps "Ack! Ihihittooo! Plehehease!"

"Begging? Alright not so tough now wittle detective... you sure are cute for someone who's not afraid of nuthin'!"

Itto won't shut up. Is this for real? Is Heizou the detective resistant to any torture gonna go submissive against tickling? No way...

Heizou squeals now feeling the fingers crawl up again "AHAHA haha whahahahat thehehe?"

"Incyyy wiiincyyyy Oniii went uuup the ticklish sideees!"

"Nohohohot thahahaaat ohohoho myyy ahahahrchoons!" Heizou blushes furiously. Especially when Itto is singing this version very loudly for the whole town to hear. No! Just yhat alone is intolerable!

"AHAHAH ok ok!!!! Noho more singing!" He panics when the fingers swiftly reached his armpits not even tickling "OK! EEEHEHE IHIHI UHUHUHU OHOHONIKABUTOOO! I SAID IT I SAID IT!"

Itto burst into laughter now hitting his own thigh "Ohooo my! Yohou can't stand thahat can ya!"

"Uhuhunfair... it wahas embarrassing..."

"But you had fuuuun compadre??"

Looking at the excited oni he sighs with a giggle "OK ok... I did,"

"It certainly looked like it"

The familiar windy light voice makes Heizou's blood run cold. He turns to see the anemo vision holder Kazuha.

"K-k-kazuha! What b-brings you he-hear?" Heizou stammers immediately, blushing more at the sight of his former target and now close friend standing there with a fond smile. Smiling even eider Kazuha gestures to the crux fleet. "A trip back to my home again, of course, wanderers may wander, but i also wonder..." leaning forward over Heizou's face."What my dear friend is doing, as a detective that's intriguing..."

Itto applauds with sudden excitement but also getting their attention "My bro your poetic!"

"Why thank you... I see you discovered my friends weakness,"

Itto chuckles "Lil dude be going 'I ain't afraid of nuthin' so I found out he's scared of the tickle oni!"

Kazuha's airy light laughter suddenly draws the wind. "Whyy, he's adorable, isn't he... squealing at his age...?"

"Kaaazuuu, please..." Heizou grabs his hand to stop him, "Itto let's give Kazuha a tour, and we'll introduce you to his heroic actions. " he pulls him away instantly to avoid further vociferous teasing on him.

They were already leading ahead, and Kazuha poked him teasingly about the initial incident, making the detective more embarrassed.

Meanwhile...

"Waaaait..." Itto still ponders and murmurs."Such a familiar nameee, Kazu... kazuha... Kaeda... oh!" and then he runs after them suddenly, recalling"

"Mutso no hitotachi!!!! Waaaaait, I want to fight ya too! Wait, uppp!!!"

(A/N:Sorry about the spelling. I can't remember it... the end, thanks for reading)

[maehara-san]

𝙏𝙬𝙤 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙚𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙜𝙪𝙞𝙨𝙚

pairing: katsuki bakugo x f!reader

plot: when someone you once called a friend turns their back on you, the least person you thought would see, ends up being the one to come to your rescue.

warnings: slight cursing, slapping

a/n: this is not proofread it was on a wim so beware

𝑳𝒊𝒏𝒌𝒔 ━ | 𝒎.𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 | 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓 | 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔 |

All you wanted was to have friends that you could trust and have a bond that's unbreakable.

And you did.

Àt least you thought you had until she became part of the picture.

Everything was fine at first, she was kind to you and everyone. Hell she grabbed everyone's attention within the minute she stepped in through the door.

The guys were fond of her cuteness and of course she was beautiful.

It was every girls dream to be adored and cared for by guys.

She never gave it a second thought to help out a classmate with studying or homework.

Your classmate was kind in all aspects.

Then it stopped.

"I'm going to need you to not come along next time, okay?" She smiled at you, but it was fake.

You chuckled, confused by her sudden statement. "I'm sorry―what?"

Her smile disappeared as her eyes changed into anger, "You heard me. I don't want you to be around us."

Now you had realized what she meant, all this time she was faking to be your friend.

"But why not―they're m―my friends too." You stuttered. "You can't just tell me that I can't hangout with them anymore."

Rolling her eyes she threw her head back. "Oh please!" Looking at you she continued her harsh words, "The last couple of times everyone has gone out they never once even stopped to walk beside you or asked for your input."

"Yeah cause I didn't need to add anything to it nor am I picky."

"Could you be any more blind?" She started to step forward making you walk back slowly. "You're not wanted. How many times do I have to make it clear to you?"

"You're just talking out of jealousy Aya―"

"Ha!" Aya laughed loudly throwing her head back again. "Me?" She pointed to herself then to you. "Jealous of of you? Of someone who has nothing and is nothing? Why on earth would I be jealous of a little insignificant, wannabe hero?"

Your back finally hit against a wall.

You tried speaking in a calm tone trying not to give her any satisfaction. "What did I ever do to you? Since day one all did was be was nice to you. Everyone was."

"Because," placing her hand on the wall she leaned into your face not giving you any space to yourself. "People like you don't deserve to be around people who are actually worth a damn. Everyone beside you and that mineta shouldn't be part of the hero course. You don't even have what it takes to be a hero. One single punch to you and you break like the fragile little twig that you are."

Tears were starting to brim in the corner of your eyes. You didn't understand how a person could hold such anger towards you for no reason.

"I―I am doing my best to become a strong hero, I never have asked for anyone's help." You spoke anger filling your veins. "I train every single day until midnight. I stay back to help my friends whenever they need help when all you do is get surrounded by guys and don't even move a single muscle!―"

A smirk formed on her lips as she stepped back, "There it is."

Looking at her confused you spoke. "What?"

"I knew you'd bring it up sooner or later." A content sigh escaped from her lips, she took out her phone and showed you the bright screen with a pause button. "Now I can let everyone know what you said about me."

Shaking your head slowly you spoke, "How can you be such a cruel person?..."

She shrugged, "I like taking care of those standing in my way. I've seen the way some of the guys look at you. I just want to take their attention off from someone like... well you. And onto someone like me instead."

Aya smiled proudly seeing how sad you had become, "If it helps you feel better I did think of you as a friend once."

You scoffed, "Please... tell that to someone who doesn't know your true colors."

"Whatever."

She turned to leave when she looked back at you again. "I'll be nice don't worry, if you reject every invite and ignore them then I won't show them the conversation. It's your choice."

Aya had a skip in her stepped as she happily held her phone in her hand.

You closed your eyes letting the tears fall out of frustration and pain. You tried to think back to everything you did that made her dislike you but nothing came.

Yes you and her weren't too close to call yourself best friends but it hurt. Knowing you saw her as a friend only for her turn her back on you.

After a minute or so you tried to calm down yourself and stop crying over someone that didn't matter. But it was so hard to feel okay.

"I'm fine." You muttered to yourself as you wiped away the tears with the back of your hand. "She's not worth any crying."

“What’s going on with you?” 

Your movement stopped as you heard footsteps approaching you from the hallway. 

Quickly you blinked away trying to dry the remaining tears as fast as possible. 

“Nothing.” 

“Then why are you leaking out of your eyes?” 

“It’s nothing for you to know about, Bakugo.” You replied turning your head and looking at him. “Aren’t you supposed to be training with Todoroki for your license exam?” 

He scoffed crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I don’t have any training today with that icy hot bastard.” 

“Well then good for you... I guess.”

You walked away from him and heard the same footsteps following you all the way to the living room. 

“Don’t walk away from me!” Bakugo exclaimed, “The conversation wasn’t over idiot.” 

“Well you weren’t but I was.” 

He was starting to feel irritated by your behavior, “What the hell happened that made you start crying of nowhere?” 

“Like I told you,” you answered. “It was nothing of importance... so just let it go alright?” 

“Was it that newbie?” 

You didn’t deny nor did you say anything else when he mentioned her, letting him know he was right. 

“So it was her,” he said. “What the hell did she do?” 

You were trying really hard to make sense about what his behavior. From what you have seen Bakugo never cared much except when it came to the ones he was close to which consisted of Sero, Mina, Kirishima, and Kaminari. 

You on the other hand, you barely spoke to him at times, unless it was a project or assignment that you had to do. 

Other than that you didn’t exchange much words but you didn’t dislike him either. 

“Hey, I’m talking to you.” 

As you reached main common room, you headed to the kitchen still not answering his question. All you hoped was that he would get the hint and leave you alone, you needed space to gather your thoughts, that was just the type of person you were. 

It took you off guard when you felt his hand wrap around your wrist stopping you in place. 

In a soft voice he spoke again, “Why don’t you want to tell me what happened?” 

The way his voice sounded brought you such a sudden peace, it felt like comfort to you. 

“Bakugo―“ 

A pair of feet were heard walking towards the kitchen and the door opened. 

“Oh.” 

The sudden feeling of dread then ran through your body hearing that voice once again. 

“I did not interrupt anything did I?” 

Even Bakugo himself got annoyed with her sudden presence, he let go of your hand and stood beside you.

“Did you need something?” He questioned. 

Aya shook her head, an irked expression was visible despite the smile she used to cover it up. 

“I was actually going to go ask everyone if they wanted to hangout today.” She explained getting slightly closer to him. “It’s Saturday after all and no one has plans. Why don’t you come and hangout with us, Bakugo?―” 

“No.” 

You had to roll in your lips to stop yourself from laughing hearing him reject her offer right away. 

“W―Why not?” Aya asked trying to not to break her perfect act. “I mean you didn’t have any training today―“ 

Bakugo looked at you from the corner of his eyes, seeing as you weren’t even bothering to look her way. 

“Y/n, are you going?” He asked ignoring the look on her face. 

Your eyes widened remembering what she had told you moments ago. Lifting your head you looked at Aya then at Bakugo. 

“No.” Looking away you made up an excuse just like how she wanted you to do. “I―I have some errands I need to do today.” 

“Then I’ll help you out with the errands.” Bakugo spoke. 

“What?” You and Aya spoke at the same time. 

“I mean it’s not like you’ll have anyone else to help you.” 

“Of course she does!” Aya exclaimed putting her arm around your shoulders. “Right? Y/n said she had asked a cousin of hers that’s in town to help out.” 

“I―uh.” 

“That’s fine by me, I can still help both of them out.” 

Aya was losing her patience by the minute, “Come on Bakugo I’m sure she will do fine without your help.” 

She nudged your shoulder trying to get you to agree with her. 

“R―Right,” you said. “I don’t have that many things to do after all―“ 

“We can make something to eat afterwards then.” He calmly said. 

Her on the other hand wasn’t having it one bit. “Come on Bakugo please?...” 

Letting go of you she went over to him and wrapped her hands around his arm. 

Batting her eyelashes at him she said, “I never get a chance to hangout with you... can’t we just go and hangout once?” 

You wanted to walk away on the spot. She was doing everything and anything to make sure she gets what she wants. And if Bakugo kept saying no she wasn’t going to let it go. 

Bakugo tried getting out of her grip but it tightened, pouting she added. “Do you hate me?...” 

In that moment someone else walked in through the door. 

“Hey! I’ve been looking for you, Aya.” Kaminari smiled. 

“Kaminari!” She exclaimed, “You’re right on time as always.” 

“Of course.” He smirked, “I always gotta be there for the beautiful girl of the class.” 

Blushing she said, “You’re so sweet.”

Kaminari gave her a toothy smile. “I came to grab Bakugo since the group wants to hangout. But what can I do for you my queen?”

“Well on that note I was trying to convince him to come and hangout as well but he kept rejecting me,” she frowned. “All I wanted was to invite him to relax for a day since he’s free.” 

“Come on Bakugo,” he said. “How can you say no to that cute face of hers?” 

Seeing how they were occupied with the conversation you decided to slip away. There was no use of staying in that same room where you weren’t wanted. 

All day you ignored the texts that came in from the group chat. The girls messaged you asking if you were okay but of course Aya had already answered for you. 

You didn’t know if you should have felt relieved she did that or hurt that they never messaged you privately to ask. 

Studying was the only thing that helped to take your mind off of it all. 

But even then your eyes were starting to give out and you would end up asleep any moment. A sigh escaped from your lips as you put your pencil down, rubbing your eyes to try and get the tiredness out. 

Your phone buzzed on the table as the screen lit up. It was a message from Mina asking if you wanted to join the movie night they had set up. 

Quickly you messaged her back telling her you weren’t feeling well and were about to go to sleep. 

As you got up off from the floor there was a knock on your door. 

“Come on Mina...” You mumbled yawning as you walked to open it. 

“Mina I’m a bit tired―“

Your body tensed up as you saw the person you least wanted to see at the moment. 

“What do you want, Aya?” you questioned leaning on the side of the door, feeling too tired to deal with her. “I did what you wanted me to do.” 

“It looks like it wasn’t enough,” she clenched her jaw staring daggers into you. “Bakugo did not bother staying long when we left.” 

Now it was your turn to chuckle seeing how things quickly turned against her. 

“What the hell are you laughing about?!” 

“At how hard you were trying to keep me away from everyone that even then he did not want to bother in being near you.” 

“Shut up! It’s not funny, you’re only pissing me off.” She retorted. “I told you I would send that recording to everyone if you did not do as I said.” 

“You’re kidding right?” You questioned, staring at her. “How is it my fault that Bakugo did not want to even be around you? I even told him no about him helping me out what more could you have possibly wanted me to have done?” 

“How about trying to convince him when he was there?!” Aya yelled. “You could have tried harder to get him to stay but nooo you had to leave like the little coward that you are!” 

“I’m the coward?!” You exclaimed leaning forward. “I am not the one threatening people because of how insecure you fucking feel!” 

She was taken back by your sudden outburst. “What? Now all of a sudden you have the courage to speak when you couldn’t earlier?” 

“Yeah cause I’m tired of people like you.” You answered. “I am exhausted by being near you. I do not understand how you can live with yourself acting like such a fake person.” 

“You’re just mad that I grab everyone's attention and not yours.” 

You shook your head leaning back against the door, “No I’m not mad. I just feel sad for you seeing how hard you have to act a certain way to be liked and be able to live like this. You’re actually lonely inside―” 

A stinging pain could be felt spreading across your cheek. You breathed out in shock, slowly your hand moved to touch your now red colored skin. 

"You have no right to speak to me that way." She gritted her teeth, "Someone like you has no idea how hard I've worked to make everyone fall for me."

Slightly turning your head you looked at her. "That just proves how lonely you are. You always envied everyone else and you never even bothered to check what was wrong with you. Always blaming everyone around you but yourself. That is what cowards do."

"You're going to regret that."

Her arm moved back as her hand went up in the air to let it hit your cheek again. But you raised your hand getting ready to catch stop her when someone else did it for you.

Aya froze in shock, realizing her facade had come to an end.

"This is why girls like you piss me off."

"Bakugo..." You mumbles.

He looked at you, his eyes softening for a second before they turned cold as his gaze landed on her.

"B―Bakugo I―I was only defending myself against her!" She exclaimed trying to make herself cry. "You should have heard all of the horrible things she said to me!"

Rolling his eyes, he harshly let go of her hand. "You can stop with the bullshit. I heard everything you fucking told her."

"What?..." She nervously spoke turning around to look at him. "I―I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" He raised his voice, "You can drop the stupid act of playing the victim. Just because you have the other idiots wrapped around your finger doesn't mean I'm the same as well."

The puppy eyes she had were now gone and replaced with pure utter rage. Her gaze moved between the two of you.

"How could you defend someone like her?!" She exclaimed pointing at you with disgust. "Y/n is a fucking weakling, I mean look at her! She doesn't even come close to being in the same level as you and me."

"I've seen how hard she's trained her ass off to get to where she is." His gaze moved over to you. "She still has room to improve hell no one is perfect in this world. Yet I never have seen her given up so easily with anything that comes her way. Y/n has determination and cares about those around her those are some of important things that you need to become a hero."

Your cheeks turned a bright red hearing him say all those nice things about you. It was a shock but it made your chest flutter with happiness.

Bakugo directed his attention back to her, "But compared to you, she's a a better hero. And if I had to choose I'd choose her over and over again. I'll be damn if I ever choose you even if you were the last person alive in this world."

That was the last straw that made her go over the edge.

"I can't believe you're acting like an idiot defending her!" She yelled. "I thought you were better but I guess you two are the same in the end! Just like everyone is here... you're all idiots!"

"Oh my god." He muttered in exhaustion, taking out his phone.

You and Aya looked at him confused until he showed the screen seeing he had been on the phone with Kirishima this entire time.

"You all heard that right?"

"Yeah... loud and clear." Kirishima spoke.

"Damn it." She muttered pushing passed him as her footsteps quickened down the hallway.

Once she was gone it was like you could finally breathe. Letting out the weight of her shadow go after all this time.

"Are you alright?" He asked taking a step closer to you. "How's your cheek?"

You looked down at the ground shying away from him. "I―I'm okay... I just have a slight sting is all."

"Your cheek is red." Bakugo mumbled.

As he inspected your bruised skin you couldn't help but glance at him. It was off putting how kind he was being to you since the beginning of this whole situation. He was never mean to you but you both never really talked more than you needed to.

You did admire him for how strong he had become the last couple of months. He had changed like people said but it was still something you hadn't grown accustomed to.

"There's some ice packs in the freezer you should use them to reduce the swelling."

You nodded "I will do that..."

Bakugo did not understand why he cared this much. You weren't annoying for any reason. He just saw you as a classmate someone he could talk with when it came to school work. But recently he couldn't help but want to get to know you more.

As he pulled away his cheeks turn red, realizing he had been too close to you.

Cleating his throat he spoke, "Are you sure you're going to be alright? Everyone already knows the truth so I'm sure they won't be mad at you at all."

"T―That's good to hear of course," you said. "I just― how do I say this... it's a surprise to see you acting this kind with me. When we only really interacted at school... or trained when needed to."

Looking away he tried looking for an answer himself. Why was he being this way towards you? Did he catch feelings for you when he didn't notice and until now he's realizing it?

"Look..." he sighed trying to think of what he wanted to say. "I wasn't going to stand by and let her mistreat you. I―I saw the way she acted with you earlier today and I didn't want you to think I was eavesdropping. I wanted to hear what happened coming from you not from her knowing well she was going to lie through it all to make you look bad."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

Looking at you he answered. "Cause I knew you were going to deny the whole thing. I heard she threatened you with that dumb recording. I wasn't going to stand by and let you get bullied because of that― Aya chic."

A small smile formed on your lips. "I'm taken back by your kindness honestly," you chuckled lightly. "I always thought you only saw me as a peer a―and maybe you do but― with the way you're acting it sounds like a friend."

A smile threatened to slip from his lips but nodded instead.

"I appreciate what you did for me, Bakugo. So thank you... for looking out for me."

"Idiot." He chuckled softly, "I did it because I can't stand that chic something was off about her since she got here."

"Right." You agreed, "That was most definitely the reason― which of course I'm glad!"

He looked passed you and saw your table was covered in books about math.

"That chic interrupted your studying?"

"Oh..." you looked over your shoulder forgetting about the mess. "Y―Yeah I was trying to look over some problems before the test."

"And is it helping?"

"Well... not much as I hoped it would."

"I kinda figured as much," he put his hands into his pockets. "I can help you out if you want. That chic already got figured out and I have nothing else to do."

"Are you sure?" You asked. "You already did a lot―"

"You should just say yes before I change my mind." He smirked slightly, "You could use someone like me."

"Okay then."

"W―What?" He asked flustered.

"I mean you're offering right?" You chuckled. "Would you like to study here or in the living room?"

"I'll bring my stuff over better everyone else is probably still in the living room. We'll get distracted and knowing how loud Kaminari is it won't be any help."

"You're not wrong about that."

"I'll be back then." He said. "I call dibs on this side of the table though."

This was a new side of him, one you hoped he will show you more often.

"Whatever you say." You smiled. "Just hurry up I need to study."

Bakugo turned around letting the smile grow, as he walked towards the elevator.

"Calm down, gees."

Walking back inside you closed the door. Smiling as you rested your back against it.

[jj-5656]

Mercy On Me

With; James Potter

A/N: FINALLY. I am so sorry for how long this shit took. Honestly, I was expecting this idea to be short and sweet. Nearly 7k words later and here we are. Appreciate all your ongoing support, and I hope you enjoy!<3

Summary: The one where the two bumbling idiots are blind to the others’ affections amongst their argument, and James gets wasted. 

TW: Drinking, cursing NOT YET PROOFREAD

      Rain patters harshly against the pane of your window, with thunder grumbling every now and again. Wind whistles through the air outside, cutting through the comfortable silence of your bedroom. You love this weather. Finding solace in the sound of the rain and the grey hue that elicits in your bedroom. It helps you focus, convenient now that you’ve spent the past couple hours finishing up on homework assignments and studying for your upcoming Astronomy exam. The dynamics of the celestial sphere and the names of stars making up a series of constellations swim through your mind, yet theres’s an incessant fear you’ll manage to sit down in your desk come Tuesday and forget every piece of information you’ve just relayed. 

James Potter, one of your dearest friends, isn’t nearly as accommodating to rainy days. It means quidditch practice is canceled, you can’t meet up in the courtyard for the groups’ daily catch up, and you’re banished to the confinements of four walls. He’s sprawled across your bed, rotating through doodling, practicing new charms, and bugging you. 

He’s antsy. Your best friend is much like a hyper active child, and with no outlet for all his damned energy, he’s opted to pester you all afternoon. You try to block out his absent-minded humming and the scratching of his charcoal sketch sticks, but Prongs never makes blocking him out very easy. You swivel your chair to shoot him a glare when his rubber blending tool makes contact with he back of your head. 

“Can I help you?” It takes everything in you not to flick the shit-eating grin adoring his face now that he’s gained your attention. 

“Does it say anything in those books about dying of boredom? Because I’m starting to feel faint.” 

“Can't you go bother Pads or Moony? Why have I been chosen to bear the weight of your undiagnosed ADHD?” 

“You’ve been at this for hours, you’re not finished?” 

“Not even close, Jay. You know this exam is important.” 

“Can’t you at least take a break? Let’s take a nap.” He yawns, stretching over the expanse of your mattress. And while the prospect of sleeping beside him sounds tempting, you shake your head. It’s bad enough his offer elicits butterflies throughout your gut, when he’s merely seeking the company of a friend. 

“What about important exam are you not gathering?” He rolls his eyes, reaching down to grab the tool he’d used as a weapon and begin sketching again. Though not without a series of muttered complaints. 

You’re irritated. It’s not like you enjoy spending the better half of your day doing schoolwork. If you could afford it, you’d be right next to him and fast asleep ages ago. In a boarding school where you’re surrounded by peers for 80% of your day, there are times you wish to be alone. You regard the time to yourself as a chance to reset, considering your fragile social battery. Potter finds the notion completely foreign, and couldn’t possibly fathom why anyone would choose to not be around other people. You’re a little moody, sure. Which might be why you find his drumming of the charcoal against the book particularly distracting. 

After a few beats of deep breaths, you confront it. “Would you mind, Ringo?” He pauses, looking just past the pages to send you a cheeky smile. Your attraction only angers you further. It’s bad enough your feelings are unrequited, he could at least try to look less fucking good looking all the time. 

“If I weren’t being ignored, I’m sure I’d be less intolerable.” 

“Why don’t you go find Sirius, I’m sure he’s bored. Or even Lily, sure she’s studying in her own dorm.” He’s not particularly thrilled with your tone in regard to your shared red-headed friend. His crush on Lily, though having been topic of conversation every time he opened his mouth, was fast and fleeting last year. He hadn’t regarded her anywhere close to that sense ever since-Since forever ago. Additionally, James Potter hates feeling needy. Like you don’t want to share his company. Like his affections are too smothering, unrequited. 

“I’m not sure why you have yourself so worked up.” There’s a twinge of venom to it, you’ve unknowingly struck an insecurity. Your brows furrow with frustration, unaccustomed to his attitude. 

“Not all of us can thrive off our athletic reputations, or effortless grades.” You almost regret it as soon as it’s said. You hadn’t been looking for an argument, but you’ve definitely found one. 

“What's that supposed to mean?” He crosses his arms, loosened tie covered by the fabric of his robe. 

“James, I didn’t-” 

“No, you did.” He moves to sit up on your bed, hazel staring daggers into yours. Daring and unkind. It twinges something close to nausea in your stomach, though your blood still boils. “What did you mean?” 

“I mean you don’t even have to try! Your marks are near perfect yet you rarely study. And if anything, you have quidditch to fall back on for an excuse.” He scoffs, nothing short of disbelief and indignation. 

“So what, you think I don’t work for what I have?” You’ve definitely struck your nerve, but the bastards been disrespecting your social boundaries all day, and it’s most definitely gotten to you. 

“That’s not what I said.” 

“But it’s what you meant.” He stands, looming figure no longer comforting as it usually is. He’s almost intimidating, glaring at you as if you’ve just cornered him. 

“I only mean athletes get treated differently, sometimes. It’s not you fault it’s, just not necessarily fair to the rest of us.” There’s that scoff again, a roll of his eyes as he wets his lips.

“You’ve lost the plot, mate.” 

“Well of course you wouldn’t notice! You are one James, how would you be able to see it?” 

“I’m glad that’s how you regard me, y/n. Freeloading off quidditch as if I don’t work hard as well?” There's a tone of distaste as your name crosses his lips, it feels like a punch to the stomach. 

“Again, that’s not what I said.” You stand too, shoulders tensed with anger. 

“Whatever. I’ll see you later, considering I’m such a bother.” He’s out the door before you can open your mouth to respond. You jumped the sound of your front door slamming, collapsing back into your chair with an exasperated sigh. 

**********

Dinner is undoubtedly awkward. The rest of your friends are enveloped in conversation, but you and James keep to yourselves for the most part. Unfortunately, you were the last to make it to the Great Hall, and the only open seat was beside the only boy you’re currently at odds with. Mary’s been trying to get your attention the past ten minutes, Pads too. An evident ‘what’s with the tension’ but you and Prongs brush them off. 

Landon O’Connor is a friend of a friend. A fellow Gryffindor that photographs many of the school events and quidditch matches. James knows him fairly well, which is why he’s astonished the brunette boy approaches your table with a curt nod to James with his eyes only on you. Aiming to sit in the awkward gap between you and him with a kind smile. 

You have to grip the table to steady yourself when you’re pulled swiftly into Jame’s side. The boy has wrapped his leg around yours from under the table and pulled you toward him. Shooting a look to the bewildered photographer, he ignores your heated gaze. The group snaps their heads to watch as James squares his shoulders, eyes darting to yours for only a second before he offers your peer a gentle smile. 

“Evening, everyone. Doing alright?” There’s a chorus of commonalties Landon nods along to before his eyes land on you, flitter to the brooding chaser, and then back to you. 

“Y/n, still studying for Sinistras exam?”

“You kidding? I haven’t stopped.” He chuckles, settling beside you and allowing the group to fall back into their own discussions. Though you get the feeling they’re most definitely paying attention to how this is gonna play out. 

“You’ll be fine, you’re a smart girl. Besides, a couple friends of mine are meant to get together to review the material in the courtyard tomorrow. You’re more than welcome to join us.” A pleased smile pulls at your lips, falling immediately when James scoffs into his chalice. 

“Alright, Potter?” The boy nods, arm brushing against yours when he turns to face the both of you. 

“Fine. It’s just, y//n typically studies alone. Doesn’t appreciate any distractions.” You bite your lip, matching the boy’s challenging stare. There’s that same venom in his words, anger still prevalent from your argument. You break away first, offering another bright smile to Landon. 

“Actually, I’d love to join you guys. The company’s fine as long as it’s productive.” James feels his skin run hot when you shift on the bench to face completely away from him. Your attention solely on the bloke to the left. 

“Isn’t there a photography meeting during evening hours on Thursday’s, O’Connor?” You can feel James loom closer to you, and by the look on Landon’s face, his expression is not nearly as welcoming as before.

“Well, yeah. But today’s was optional and I thought-”

“I’m sure the lads are probably wondering where you are, yeah?” Irritation is heavy in his tone, it’s an apparent but unspoken  ‘get lost’. 

“Right, probably.” The brunette surveys your friends, not letting their quickly averting eyes go unnoticed. “Y/n, if I don’t see you at the library tomorrow, will I be seeing you at the party this weekend?” 

“Definitely. Good seeing you.” There's a shared grin between you both as he stands again, a hope he hasn’t been scared off indefinitely due to the awkward encounter. 

“Pleasure’s all mine, love.” James actually laughs this time, shoving at Sirius’ shoulder when the raven-haired boy kicks him under the table. Landon either doesn’t notice, or chooses to disregard it in lieu of being polite. 

“Could you be any more rude, Potter?” 

“Must be the privileged athlete in me.” 

“Must be!” And with that, you’re both silent again. Flushing under the bewildered looks of the rest of the Marauders. They get to talking again, a feeble attempt at concealing their eavesdropping. 

“You know, I’m starting to understand the whole ‘cutting tension with a knife’ phrase.”

“Shove it, Pads.” Both of you heat even more having said it in unison, only making the boy across grin even wider. Hands raised in a half-assed surrender, doing little to hide his amusement. 

**********

You feel much better about next week’s exam after studying with Landon’s group. Though the boy was fairly distant during your time in the library. It was bad enough you and James were at odds, now the bastard was scaring other boys off. What was the reason anyway? Potter had never made a move, never insinuated any interest despite your own. Sure, it hurt, but you wouldn't resent him for seeing you only as a friend. It made his distaste for O’Connor’s flirting nonsensical and infuriating, As if he didn’t necessarily want you, but didn’t anyone else to have you either. 

“Y/n/n, darling. Where are you? I’m risking poking an eye out with this eyeliner.” Sirius usually gets ready with the girls, arguing your pregame is much more fun than that of the boys. He maneuvers around the rest of your friends getting themselves ready amongst you and Marlene’s dorm. Arguing over which one of your tops they’ll be stealing for the night, or adding the finishing touches to their makeup. Sirius drags you onto the mattress beside him, offering the eyeliner stick in silent pleading. You oblige, tilting his chin up to begin. 

“Look up, Siri. Stop looking at me, especially like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“Like I’m wounded or something.” You’re both quite enough so the girls singing along to the music from the record player or in the middle of conversations can’t hear. The raven-haired boy sighs, doing his best not to blink too hard and ruin your work. 

“It’s just, you and James haven’t spoken in ages.”

“It’s been two days, Pads.”

“That's a new record for the both of you. I can’t stand the constant moping, you’re both killing my buzz.” You laugh despite it all, rolling your eyes with fondness for his melodramatics. 

“I’m not sure he’s interested in speaking to me at the moment.” You hold up a tissue from your desk for him to wet with his tongue, wiping at any excess liner under his lash line. 

“Trust me, you’re all he’s been talking about. He’s not particularly happy with how things ended between the both of you. As are you, I’m sure.” His eyes dart over to your mirror, lips upturning in a pleased smirk at your handiwork. 

“Of course I hate to fight with James. I was in a bad mood and I just wanted to be alone. I should have communicated that to him.”

“Then why don’t you say so?” 

“Well what was that stunt he pulled at dinner the other night? Arguing with me gave him no reason to take it out on other people.” Sirius chuckles, shaking his head and reaching over to grab the bottle of liquor on your desk. 

“I think he would have given O’Connor lip had you been fighting or not.” You cock your head, about to press on when he passes you a shot. Holding out his own glass for you to clink. “To the first shot of the night, and most definitely not the last.” 

You hum, connecting your glass to his before throwing your heads back. Cringing at the burn in your throat and the shitty taste. “I’ve never understood your affinity to whiskey.” 

“Mends the soul or something, I don’t know. Alcohol is alcohol.” He presses a kiss to your cheek before standing, nodding his head toward the door. Marl’s Lilly, and Dorcas are already headed out to the common room as you follow suit. 

********

It’s well into the party when Remus approaches. Collapsing onto the well-worn couch beside you. You greet him with a warm smile, stretching before resting your head on his shoulder. He was your partner for beer pong, and you’d played against Sirius and James. Needless to say, you’d lost and both had to drink  more than your stomachs were comfortable with. 

“Alright, Rem?” You wrap your arm around his, enveloping him in warmth because he’s almost always chilly. He shakes his head, smile etching over his features. 

“We suck at Pong. I think I can literally feel the beer sloshing around in my stomach.” You groan, hiding your face into the fabric of his sweater with self-pitying chuckles. 

The game hadn’t been too awkward. You hadn’t spoke much to Potter over the course of the game, but laughed along with him at Sirius’ tipsy smack talk. His lingering gaze had etched a lump in your throat a couple times, but you’d choked it down with more beer. Hence the comfortable, warming buzz. Remus presses a kiss to your head, digging in his pocket to retrieve his usual chocolates. You oblige instantly, because he’s right, they always make you feel better. 

“Love.” He breaks the comfortable silence, surveying your cheekily drunken peers with admiration. “If I asked you a favor-” 

“Anything, Moons. You know that.” He hums, pressing the side of his cheek into the top of your head in acknowledgment. He’s never minded affection with you, and you’re more than grateful to be one of his few exceptions. 

“Would you talk to Prongs?” 

“Rem-” 

“For me?” His palm opens to offer you another chocolate, and you scoff at the clear bribery but snatch it anyway. “Sweetheart, he’s practically moping in the corner. Won’t even be Pad’s partner anymore. And you know how much James hates to break a winning streak.” 

“It’s his brooding athleticism, I suppose.”

“Y/n.” It’s a warning, a push to forgive.

“He was a jerk, Remus.” 

“You know how he can get, love. Some things you have to lay on him easy. Our Prongs is quite stubborn.” 

“You can say that again.” 

“But so are you sometimes, yes?” You meet his eyes, feeling properly chastised. “You know it’s only because he cares about what you think of him so much. He hated hearing you thought less of him for something he couldn’t possibly control.” 

“But that’s not what I meant, he should know that!”

“Perhaps our boy isn’t as self assured as he lets on sometimes.” His words send a pang to your heart, you know better than to believe Potter isn’t almost always in need of reassurance from his friends. “Regardless of how it was intended, you’ve both hurt one another. Yes?” 

“Yeah.” You bring your bottom lip between your teeth, feeling terribly guilty. And rightfully so.

“So will you go comfort him? Because he’s just about trollied, and will not stop whining about how much he misses you. It was cute at first, but now it’s beginning to become quite irritating.” 

“Fine. But only because I love you.” 

“We both know that’s not your reason.” He scrunches his nose at you, teasing. You pull away with feigned disgust. 

“Oh, shove off.” 

Potter’s across the room in an arm chair, moping just as Moony had said. Even worse than you’d imagined, actually. A pout on his lips as he takes swigs from the beer in hand. Heart aching at the sight of him, it becomes clear just how much you’ve missed him too. He doesn’t notice once you approach, even when you rest your hands on the arm of the chair and bend at the waist to his level. Tapping his knee so he’ll lift his gaze from his lap. James goes from a deep frown to fighting a grin at the sight of you. A definite pinking to his cheeks, from the alcohol or your presence, you’re not sure. 

You wish to slap the voice inside of you that aches to press your lips to his. 

“Hi.” He’s beaming now, hand instinctively reaching out to push a stray strand of hair from your face. It risks your knees giving out right then and there at the gentleness of it all. 

“Hey, Potter. What’s up with the moping, Sirius needs his partner.” You nod to the game ahead, cheering along when Sirius scores. A large, warm hand slides up your forearm, and you tilt your head back down to see his hazel eyes staring up at you with an emotion you can’t quite read. Fondness fills you to the brim at the sight of it. 

“I’m not in the m-mood.” There’s an adorable hiccup that sounds between the last word, the ache in your heart growing tenfold. “Where’s O’Connor? Thought you’d be with him.” It’s genuine, there's no self pity or ill-intent behind his words. Instead, it’s almost solemn. Much unlike the James you’re accustomed to. 

“I’m sure he’s around somewhere.” You shrug, clear in your indifference. “But I wanted to check on you.” The corner of his lips twitch upward, but he bites it away. Another squeeze to your arm he hasn’t found the strength to release just yet. 

“It’s okay if you want to go hang out with him, Y/n. I’m fine. And you’re angry with me.” 

“I’m not angry anymore, James.” You can’t help but run a hand through his unruly curls, smirking when he leans into the touch. 

“You aren’t?” You shake your head, crouching to get more comfortable. 

“I mean, I was. I didn’t appreciate you putting words into my mouth. But I understand why you got defensive. It wasn’t fair of me to be rude just because I didn’t want to communicate needing some time to myself. I’m sorry, Prongs.” 

“I’m sorry too. Really sorry.” He runs a thumb over the arm still in his hold, eyes averting to observe the line of goosebumps it elicits with a soft smile. You fear you’re much too smitten of him for your own good. He pats the arm of the chair for you to sit on, and you comply. Looking at the partygoers around you. It’s comforting, despite longer participating in the festivities you’re still enjoying the atmosphere. 

Eventually James shifts, settling his head over your thighs with a contented sigh. He waits a beat, taking hold of your wrist and plopping your hand atop his head. You shake your head with a scoff, pretending to be irritated with his silent request. Fingers coursing through the strands of his hair once again. You catch Remus’ eyes across the room, sticking your tongue out to ward them off when he leans over to Sirius, the pair staring fondly. James doesn’t notice, hazed from the alcohol and the scent of your perfume. 

The rise and fall of his broad shoulders slows, so you lean over to meet his face. 

“Don’t fall asleep down here, Prongs. Don’t think I’m able to get you to bed otherwise.” The corner of his lip curls up despite his closed eyes, and you’re quite sure you’d be able to watch him for hours. 

“Can we go to bed, then?” 

“James Potter leaving a party early? Why, I must be dreaming.” He ignores your teasing, pulling himself off you and standing to his full height. There’s a slight wobble to him, one he has to balance by grasping either arm of the vintage chair. Consequently putting his head only inches front yours. A wave of pine and mint consumes you, along with a faint, lingering scent of whiskey. His eyes follow yours, having caught them averting to his lips. James smiles, one of his cocky, smug concoctions that urges you to smack or kiss him. Combative urges you usually tend to get when in his presence. 

“You’re trollied, Jay. Let’s get to the dorms before you lose your footing for good.” Your tone is light in teasing, missing the fall of his features as you duck under his arm and get to your feet. 

“Should we say goodnight to Moony and Pads?” The taller boy rubs at his eyes, letting you adjust the glasses he’s just pushed crooked. You look around the room, landing on the pair who are pouring another round of shots for your shared group of friends. James doesn’t notice, busying himself with fixing your necklace to bring the clasp to the back of your neck. Praying he doesn’t notice the goosebumps running over your skin, you nudge him toward the stairs with a gentle shake of your head. Knowing he’ll most definitely insist on another shot in lieu of being left out. 

“I’m sure they’ll be up soon, cmon.” He’s surprisingly easy to persuade, allowing you to take hold of his arm and guide him toward the steps. 

It’s a bit of a struggle. He’s nearly twice your size, so any miss-step he makes in his drunken stupor is a threat to both of you. 

“Gryffindor house truly is the best. Don’t you think, lovely?” A hiccup before he goes on. “I mean, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Wouldn’t have met any of my best mates had any of us been sorted otherwise.” He pushes a finger to your cheek, cocking his head when you swiftly shush him. Unaware his volume is much too loud to be this close to the dorms or your respected, sleeping peers.  A grin spreads across his face as he mimics you, pointer finger pressing to his lips as you approach his dorm. 

He collapses onto his mattress, shuffling under the covers and sighing as if the exertions’ exhausted him. 

 “Will you stay with me?” It’s almost unintelligible with his cheek pressed into the satin pillow.

“James-”

“Please?” Those puppy dog eyes again, he’s well aware of what he’s doing. You huff, fighting a smile as you discard your shoes. “You can grab a pair of joggers and whatever else you need from my drawers.” 

“I can’t stay here all night.” 

“Why not? The boy’s will be gone for hours, love. I don’t wanna fall asleep alone.” The alcohols undoubtedly loosened his lips, he wets them before continuing. “Always hated it when I was little, you know? I used to crawl into my mum and dad’s bed in the middle of the night. I’d hate waking up to nobody being there.” He turns away so you can change, pulling the comforter to the side so you’ll be able to slip in. 

“I loved my parents bed too.” You smile fondly at the memories, pulling one of his shirts over your head and admiring the emboldened, crimson, ‘Gryffindor’ lettering across your chest. “When they sent me to bed, I would sneak out of my room and wait on the steps. I liked listening to the telly when they were watching it together late at night. Always felt left out.” You both huff a laugh, slipping in next to him as he turns to face you again. 

James pushes a stray stand of hair from your face, eyes wandering over your features. You gaze up at his ceiling instead, admiring the constellations Sirius has permanently charmed on the ceiling. 

“You’re so pretty.” It’s unthinking, muttered into the darkness of the room and slipping away. Your heart thrums against your chest, and a there's beginnings of forming lump in your throat.

“Don’t, James.”

“Don’t what?”

“Say...Say things you don’t mean.” His brows furrow, offended.

“Of course I mean that. I’ve always thought it.” You press your palms to your eyes, willing emotion away. 

“I mea- I mean things you don’t intend to act on.” You fumble out, unsure of your own words and their risk. “Things I’ll overthink.” A pang of hurt shoots through his chest, but you don’t notice the own despair running over his face as you watch a shooting star pass overhead. Wishing he’d really meant it, really wanted to act on it.

“I just think you’re beautiful. That’s all.” 

“Please, Jay. This is mean.” You hate how your voice cracks, how he creates distance between you. 

Mean. He’d prefer just about any other insult in the book. Somehow, mean sounds far worse than anything else. Especially when he’s taking a chance. 

“Merlin, how is that mean?” 

“It’s just-” “Have I made you uncomfortable?” 

“No.” You’re almost incredulous, unable to imagine an instance he’d ever overstep a boundary like that. “No, of course not. That’s the issue, actually.” 

“Well...I’d like to kiss you, then. Would that prove it?” You almost choke on your own saliva, gaze snapping over to his for any signs of jest. He runs a thumb over your brow, blinking slow. 

“You’re drunk, James.” There's no cruelty to it. If anything, you seem relieved, maybe even pleased with him. Potter’s smug again, an inkling of hope igniting in his chest. 

“Sober thoughts, lovely.”

“Maybe-” you swallow, nerves stalling you. “Maybe you can kiss me in the morning, when you're sorely hungover and regretting all the beer pong.” 

“Alright.” His cheeks are beginning to hurt from smiling, so he turns on his back so he won’t be able to look at you any longer. Hoping it aids the burning desire to cement his words. “You’ll stay though. Yeah?” 

“Always, James.” 

************

You’re weighed down by something awfully heavy the next morning. Sunlight seeping through the red and gold curtains adorning the window across the room. Sirius is sprawled out on his bed just under it, most agape with slumber. You narrow your eyes, confused with your surroundings. Up until you recognize the weight as a tanned, toned arm. Pulling you closer subconsciously. James is so close his breath fans over your neck, sending chills down your spine. You make a meek attempt at biting back the grin pulling at your lips as the memories flood in. 

Though the smell of coffee beckons you from your admiration of the sleeping chaser in front of you. Seriously, how someone looks that angelic fast asleep is beyond you. Carefully, you push the greedy extremity from your waist, slipping out of the sheets and shuffling toward the common area of the dorm. 

Remus stands over the stove and tends to pans of food whilst averting his gaze to a book beside him on the counter every now and then. You considered yourself a bookworm before you met him, having been utterly humbled ny his sheer addiction for literature. 

“Morning.” Its awfully complacent, Lupin doesn’t even look at you during his greeting. Tone heavy with self-satisfaction and suggestive teasing. 

“I slept next to him, Moons. I’m not having his children.” You pour yourself a cup of coffee, eager to indulge in the boy’s expertly crafted blend. 

“I didn’t even say anything!”

“Didn’t have to.” You both turn your heads into the direction of an audible groan. James shuffles toward the both of you with his head low and shoulders hunched, grabbing at air until it connect with your mug. 

“I was drinking that.” It earns another grunt, you and Moons sharing an amused glance at the boy’s obvious hangover.

“I’m never drinking again.”

“What, too much fire whiskey for our renowned chaser to handle?” James can only gag at Lupin’s teasing, shooting him a death glare through watery eyes. You rub his back, snatching back your coffee when he leans into your touch. 

“You minx.” He mutters, betrayed. “You know I’m vulnerable.” You only roll your eyes, accepting the plate of food remus hands over with a grateful smile. James  snags a piece of your toast, desperate to soak up the liquor in his stomach and much too keen on stealing from you today. 

“I’m going to attempt to coax Padfoot out of bed. Watch the stove, y/n.” Remus  weaves around the kitchen island with his own toast hanging between his teeth, hair still tousled from sleep. 

Potter’s staring at you, unreadable expression amongst his features as he chews on his (your) food. “I’m assuming you got me to bed last night?”

“Not without difficulty.” James winces, a hand running through his hair. 

“Sorry if I was a pain, love. If I’m honest, I don’t remember much past our reconciliation.” He adorns a tight-lipped smile, guilty with a twinge of hangxiety. You only shrug, aiming to reassure him. “We’re good though, right?” He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, looking awfully adorable despite the effects of last night’s alcohol. 

Truth be told, James remembers bits and pieces. He remembers laying in such close proximity, wasted and aching for your lips on his. He can’t shake the feeling that you’re holding back. Had he made move? Had you rejected him? You couldn’t have kissed. Surely no amount of alcohol would have erased that daydream come reality. 

“We’re good, James. And you weren’t a pain. If anything, I can always count on you for being a fairly good-mannered and giddy drunk.” There’s a tilt to his head, a sudden glint in his eyes.

“Can’t say I was too well behaved, yeah?” Your eyes narrow, curious if he’s hinting at your conversation just minutes before sleep. His gaze doesn’t leave you as you approach him, standing on your tip toes so your face is mere inches from his. Just when his lids risk fluttering closed, you back away, having pulled a new mug from the shelf behind him. 

“I’d argue otherwise, Potter.” 

 “Oh?”  Oh. Are you...flirting with him? That confirms it, something had happened last night. “No usual antics then? We just, went to sleep?” Your eyes narrow at his questioning, uncovering the suspicion in his tone with ease. You decide you quite like when he’s nervous. He approaches where you’ve sat yourself on the counter. Subconsciously fitting himself in the space between your legs. Eyes averting to the pair of his sweats you have on, drowning your feet from the length on you. His heart swells with an emotion he can’t quite pinpoint, something between elation and pride. 

“What else would we have done?” You take a smug sip from the steaming cup in hand, nose scrunching in feigned distaste when he takes it from your grasp and sets it on the counter. 

“I dunno.” It’s practically a whisper, his voice still rasped from sleep as his eyes search yours. Eager to sense any sort of hesitation or discomfort on your part. Large hands graze the collar of your borrowed shirt as they reach your neck, cradling your head as if it might dissipate in his hold. You wet your lips, swallowing hard. There's an evident acceleration in both your breathing, and you’re convinced this’ll finally be it. This will finally be the moment James Potter proves to you you’re not just one of his best mates. 

And he thinks so too. 

“Don’t be worried, folks. King of the castle is very much alive and well. I know you’ve all missed me dearly in the agonizing time without my presence.” Sirius waltzes into the kitchen with remnants of eyeliner clouding the skin around his eyes with a bright smile. Bastard, no matter how much alcohol he consumes, just about never gets hungover. He stutters in his approach to the kitchen, a clear realization he’s most definitely just interrupted something. 

Prongs rips away from you like your skin has singed him, scratching at the back of his neck with poorly executed nonchalance. Embarrassment looks bad on him, but likely worse on you. Considering how stupid you must look with such hurt flashing over your face. 

Maybe its a sign, an indication from some higher power this isn’t meant to be. Considering James’ breakaway from the embrace, it seems as though this was merely a heat of the moment occurrence. But you don’t do casual, and you definitely don’t jeopardize years of friendship for some crush that just may actually be unrequited. 

You’re off the counter and awkwardly adjusting the much too big clothes swarming you as Remus reaches the group of you. He takes one look between the three of you, silently snatching the newspaper in lieu of the crossword, and slipping back into the bedroom.

“Did I-”

“No!” James and you are shaking your heads with feigned laughter before Sirius can even finish. Mirth settles comfortably on his dark features, crossing his arms with raised brows. 

“I was just gonna ask if I missed the doorway for a cup of coffee.” Prick doesn’t even attempt to hide his glee, ignoring the daggers James bores into him with his now murderous hazel eyes. 

“Still plenty left in the pot, Pads.” You tuck invisible strands of hair behind your ears, ignoring James’ shift of attention that lingers on your frame. He looks like he’s about to speak, but you’re already turning toward the front door. 

 “Jay,” despite the nickname, there’s no lift to your tone like before. “I have to go. Fluids, today. Or you’ll feel like shit for even longer.” He nods with a mock salute, fully aware he’ll perpetually be feeling like shit for a completely different reason. 

You shout a farewell to Remus, and a pleading smile to an awfully merry Sirius before slipping out the door. Rushing down the hall and toward the girl’s wing without a second thought. 

Black shoves the slightly taller boy in front of him in a fit of exasperation. Fed up with his bumbling idiot of a best mate. 

“You’re a coward, Prongs. Really.” James shrugs him off, recounting your proximity mere minutes ago with an overwhelming surge of glee. He smirks despite it all, biting back the oncoming lovesick grin.

“You know, she’s the only one that calls me Jay?”

“Merlin, you’re hopeless.” 

***************

There’s a knock at the door as you reach for your lavender-scented body wash, closing one eye to avoid the trail of shampoo threatening to run into it. 

“It’s unlocked Marl’s, just come in.” You assume it’s one of your roommates of course, but are shocked at the voice that sounds from the other side of the door. 

“It’s me, actually.” James presses his forehead against the cool wood of the bathroom door, reconsidering whether or not he should actually go through with this. 

“Who’s me?” He feels like a fucking moron. 

“Oh, uh, James.” A wince, an oncoming urge to bash his head into the door to knock some sense into himself. 

“James?” You tug on both sides of the curtain to ensure it covers the entirety of the shower. “Um-”

“I’d wait for you to be out but,” the chaser rolls his shoulders, unaccustomed to such lack of self assurance. “This is sort of urgent.” And now he sounds like a perv, swell.

“Everything alright? Just come in, I can barely hear you.” He does as told, knocking over your array of skin care products set up on the counter because he’s shielding his eyes. You poke your head out to watch him scramble with the bottles, dropping one as soon as he grasps another. 

“Shit. Fuck, sorry. So sorry.” You can’t help but laugh, eyes narrowed in endeared disbelief as his gaze stays trained on the floor, unable to even glance in your direction. When it’s finally settled, he gathers what little dignity he has left to sit with his back against the ledge of the tub. 

“I’m sitting, is that alright?” 

“Its fine, Jay. What’d you need?” And there it is again. Fuck, are you doing this on purpose? A quick shake of his head, and he scoffs despite himself. The only answer his mind can manage is ‘you’ but he figures that’s likely not the best start to this. 

“It’s just, I can’t stop thinking about last night.” He wets his lips, wringing his hands together. “I feel like I may have said more than you let on.” 

You hum, biting back a smile. “Said something you regret?” It’s playful, but the subtle worry in your tone is most definitely there. Potter knows you better than that. 

“What? No. Merlin, no. If it’s what I think, then definitely not.” The grin wins this battle, you ensure all the suds have been rinsed out of your hair before you peek your head out. 

His eyes are still screwed shut, despite his back facing you. He’s tense, body hunched in an attempt to make himself smaller. Though it doesn’t do much. You feel particularly fond of him, just then. Committing this frame to memory. 

“And what do you think it was?” 

“You’re making this sort of difficult, love.” You figure you’ve tortured him long enough. Though it's what he deserves, considering he's left you with bread crumbs the entirety of the past year. 

“James?” He’s barely heard it with the combatting sounds of the running water, but it was there. Soft, sweet, enough to have him wishing you’d say it a million times more, and then some. 

“Y-yeah?” He lets you tilt his head back, his jaw clenching with the tension. You bend at the waist, ensuring not to drop any water on him whilst clutching the curtain tight against your frame. 

And just like that. In the middle of the muggy, steam-ridden bathroom. You kiss James Potter. 

It’s a little awkward in this position. Though he’s so tall you’re not completely bent down, it’s straining for both of you. Which is why you finally decide to reluctantly pull away, his hand taking hold of your jaw to pull you back for a couple swift kisses that unleash a hoard of butterflies throughout your stomach. 

“You said you wanted to kiss me,” your lips hover over his as you whisper. Pulling completely away to preserve your racing heart. Potter scrambles to his full height, adjusting his sleeves because he’s unsure of what to do with his hands now that they’re not on you. 

“Can. thank the whiskey for the confessions, I presume.” You giggle, and he has to fight the urge to shoot his gaze toward you at the sound. “You’re so pretty. I always thought so.” It’s unthinking, rushed out because the shared silence discomforts him. He feels like an idiot again. But you’ve scrambled up any sense of his ego or wit and he’s a mess. “Thought I should say that.” He’s not entirely sure how to clarify how he feels without accidentally professing his all-consuming love for you. Might come off a bit strong, he thinks.

“Oh, you did. A few times, actually.” Potter groans, pressing his palms into his eyes and bowing his head to shield his flushing cheeks. You laugh even more. 

“Have mercy on me, sweetheart. Please.” Its your turn to flush, unaccustomed to the new pet name. James cocks his head after a beat of silence, arm over his eyes to face you without actually being able to see you. “Ah, you liked that one. Didn’t you?” 

“Piss off.” 

“In just a minute, sweetheart.” He’s awful, straightening with pride when you can’t muster a witty response to the teasing. “Can I just have one more kiss?” He steps closer, hoping he won't trip considering the lack of sight. “And when you’re finished up, I’m taking you out.” 

“Hogsmeade?” Your voice lifts with excitement, forcing a smile from him. 

“Whatever you want.” He searches for you, lips jutted out pulled into a frown when you let him chase air. His hand goes out, aiming find you but quickly reminded of your current state of undress. It drops immediately, fists clenched and then releasing. “Must you make me suffer even more?” You roll your eyes, pressing a peck to each corner of his mouth and then his jaw. Pulling the curtain between you just after. “Wh-what was that?”

“Another kiss.” You note simply, going for your conditioner. “Kisses, actually.” 

“We’ll have to work on that definition, dove.”

<3 Masterlist <3

[mrsnerdygirl]

When I started reading the “harry Potter” books , my first favorite characters was Ginny, and now she is forever in my heart . I hate it when people do not understand her . She was the iT girl , beautiful and what not , but she was also a teenager that went through a lot . I hate it when fans forget what she went through , and while the books were focused on Harry , people shouldn’t forget that she nearly died and got possessed all because of her first ever friend . I am the youngest and while I don’t have as many siblings as she does , I can understand how lonely she feels . Ginny’s favorite brother was Bill and I think that the reason behind that is because the oldest always treat you somehow better, and you just really like that , but as you grow older , you feel even worse because now you wanna do things and like things that probably no one in the family wants you to. This girl literally had to sneak out and get the brooms of her older brothers and teach herself how to fly , because no one in the family allowed her too .I don’t think that her crush om Harry really says much about her , though people like to look into it . Ginny simply finds it hard to move on , probably has attachment issues , which I understand, because me too. I hate to think that some fans see her as a love interest, because she is actually important to the plot . I defiantly think that she was out casted in her second year , and I would love to hear about how she started being so popular . In her third year , she started changing little by little ,and maybe it was then that she started being more sociable and started hanging out with people . We see that she became friends with Neville , and went with him to the Yule Ball . Also during these chapters I think that we see more to Ginny . She had a chance to go with Harry, her crush , but didn’t go with him so to not reject Neville and make him feel bad . It was around this time that Hermione gave Ginny her very smart boy advice “try being yourself around Harry , go out with other people “ , which we see Ginny do , and it resulted in her being less shy around him . In order of the phoenix , Ginny was the only one who wasn’t scared to tell Harry to stop being such an asshole . I can’t explain why , but maybe it was just her energy , though harry didn’t mind opening up to her about how he felt in that chapter in which they shared chocolate (Moony would be proud), on the library talking about how lost Harry felt and how he needed to speak to Sirius . Ginny handles a bunch of grown up death eaters like a champion and walks around with a broken leg , without once complaining . When Harry tried to keep her safe at school she wasn’t scared to show him off again for treating her like she was fragile .After Sirius’ death she didn’t walk around Harry like he could break , but just like last year , she was calm and playful . She broke up with her boyfriend of a year because he didn’t appreciate her like he needed to , and then got herself another one right back . Blaze Zabini , a popular and rich Slytherin had a crush on her , and while he never did anything about it , I think it showed exactly how pretty and well known she was (also let’s not forget Victor Krum finding her attractive and wanting to ask her out ). Her best skill was Quidditch , and she could play amazingly in more than one position . She made the team twice , which meant that from everyone there she was the best , and won in each match . She played as seeker twice , both times were the finals , and won the cup , and then became a professional player in her dream team .

In her sixth year we see her defend Luna and Neville because she hated bullies and these two were her best friends . The fact that she could be friends with anyone and yet was closest to “the weirdoes of the school” , means a lot to me.

She fought in the battle of Hogwarts , and handled the school year like a champion . Another thing I love about her is how understanding she is towards Harry and how cute the fact that even though they broke up they still supported each other . She survived Bellatrix Lestrange’s attacks , and was a very good dueler , as well as a powerful witch .

There is so much to her character , that would take me too long to analyze , but overall the idea is that Ginny Weasley needs to be appreciated more for what she has done through the books , because without her we wouldn’t have some amazing moments .

Happy Birthday , to the icon herself !

[zaimta]

T.M.I

zai says: i think imma release these every friday, when the other ones come out yall will be able to tell that this was the first one i did also i'm gon milk this arc till the day i die n y'all know this

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you looked in the mirror in disgust, you hated what you saw, nothing but a broken person who couldn't even stay true to what they believed in. nothing more than a puppet being toyed with by the puppet master.

you and freed walked side by side to the church, he could tell you were feeling a slight amount of guilt but he had yet to figure out something that was bothering him “y/n. it’s clear that laxus will only listen to you at this point. but maybe he is beyond that point…however, i must ask why haven’t you told him to call this all off? it’s clear you don’t want much to do with this. so why y/n? why do you fight for something you don’t believe in?”

“because i-”

“damnit!” you shouted at the memory flooding your brain, you clutched your head looking down at your feet, and you then felt tears streaming down your cheek “why wasn’t i strong enough? i’m pathetic.”

back then you knew the answer to his question and you still do now, your guilt was eating you alive not allowing you to think clearly

your arms fell slack by your sides and you fell to your knees, tears still streaming down your cheeks

“maybe i’m just a fool freed.” he sent a smile your way his eyes screamed pity, just a pitiful glare for a shameful idiot and you hated every second of it.

“i should have done more back then, anything would have been better than this outcome. i was too weak to stop it, i was just a love-sick fool who was blinded by that fact. after all this time did he even love me back? was i following him blindly just for him to not even love me back?” despite all the fond memories you made your doubts triumph over everything you knew and what he told you.

shame flooded your mind, you felt embarrassed to feel this way, to wallow in your own shame and regret. these feelings were all too familiar to you and you hated every last second of it, every pitiful millisecond was nothing short of hell to you, he was long gone and out of your life but yet your doubts in your relationship still followed you.

“please…make it stop.” you mumbled weakly as if your pleas would be heard while your tears flowed like a river.

“because i loved him. no matter how many people i had to hurt i wanted to see him happy again.”

i hate myself i look in the mirror and start to cry stupid self sabotage every time t.m.i i think i'm the worst criticize everything 'til it hurts

you don’t know but you picked yourself and decided to go to the guild hopefully some time around your friends would do you some good, and there it was again the pitty glances, you smiled throughout them all but there was only so much you could take.

you went to an empty table to clear your thoughts and felt a hand on your shoulder, you tensed up bracing for those words “how are you holding up?” lucy spoke to you as if you were fragile and you could break at any second, or that’s what it felt like to you anyway. you snatched your shoulder away from her grip and sent her a glare “im fine. why does everyone treat me like i’m some fragile thing?”

bet you wish you never asked sorry if i made you sad at least you know now where i'm at

you dropped your shoulders suddenly aware of how tense you were, you groaned and ran a hand down your face “shit. i’m sorry lucy i’m just…tired.”

“y/n im sorry i didn’t mean to-” you cut the celestial mage off “no it’s not your fault you were just trying to check on me.” you felt something run down your cheeks, we’re you crying? after all this time an ‘are you okay’ was what it took to get to you. you excused yourself and headed into the bathroom, it was pathetic you felt like a failure crying in a public restroom. you were nothing more than a waste of space who couldn’t have anything go your way.

“it’s all my fault. maybe if i was more firm?? who am i kidding maybe if i said something anything he still would have been here.” you think to yourself causing your tears so flow like a river down your face.

you looked in the mirror and saw the weakest person you ever saw, and it took everything in you not to smash that mirror.

“y/n?” evergreen said while knocking on the bathroom door “im coming in okay?” she walked into the bathroom and noticed the tears on your cheeks and she wordlessly wiped them away and sighed “what am i going do with you n/n? we’ve got to get you a better coping mechanism” she chuckled quietly at her own joke, she pulled down her dress so it was at least covering her legs and sat on the floor, she patted the spot next to her with a gentle smile inviting you to sit. you wordlessly sat next to her with your knees pulled up to your chest.

“i know this is hard on you right now, but you can’t keep pushing us away we’re here for you…freed told me how you have been feeling.” you sighed deeply “so you know everything?” she shook her head “i only know freed’s assumptions, if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay but you can’t keep letting your emotions eat you alive it’s not healthy for you y/n.”

the two of you sat there in silence for a while, you broke the silence with a small sigh and began opening up to evergreen about how you’ve been feeling “i feel like it’s all my fault ever…i feel like i could have done more maybe if i said something this whole thing wouldn't have happened or maybe he wouldn’t have been kick out of the guild” you pull your knees closer to your chest as you speak “i loved him ever, and now i might not even see him again.”

evergreen rested her hand on yours with a soft smile, you looked at her and her eyes didn’t scream pitty nor did they feel as if they were looking down at you and it was comforting “you don’t have to be guilty for anything y/n, we all made the choice to follow his plan…and he’s quite the ambitious man you know that, no matter what he would have seen his plan through till the end.”

you returned the smile “yea you’re right” the smile didn’t reach your eyes and she knew that, she knew you needed time how much time was all up to you however.

i hate myself i look in the mirror and start to cry super self sabotage every time t.m.i i think i'm the worst criticize everything 'til it hurts if you knew me better, you would like me worse t.m.i

[legon751]

working on a new vegas doctor costume

first 2 pics are the main bag, the rest of the costume pieces (and my thoughts) are under the break

healing powder (crushed orange pez and candy cigarettes in a burlap bag), ophthalmoscope (a weathered otoscope because the item name in the game is wrong), sunset sarsaparilla deputy badge (worth every dead wastelander), surgical tubing, medical tweezers, forceps, gauze, mentats, fixer, jet, med-x, buffout, rad-x, and cateye. also a small mojave express mail pouch with some ncr currency, postcards, and the platinum chip (might roughen some of these up to look less new)

all of these bags are belt pouches to mimic the ones on the wasteland doctor fatigues outfit

bufftats (not new vegas, but eh, it came with the other pill bottles), first aid box (came with the med-x, it has tiny buffout and rad-x bottles in it), and a box of atomic wrangler matches

microfusion cell and vault 21 matches

cigarettes and a vault 21 lighter (you see how often doctors smoke in that game??? clearly they need this many lights)

gotta keep your caravan deck in easy reach, never know when a game might kick off...

bobby pins, a tin of bottle caps, tops casino dice, and a set of poker chips (ring a ding ding baby)

the "codac r9000" michael angelo gives you. even if these old kodak cameras are dirt cheap, i still feel bad messing one up to make it look more like the game file, so natural aging only on this one

the main costume itself: mirrored shades, the wastland doctor fatigues (green cargo pants and a white tee, need to dirty them up and blood spatter them), bandana, leather belt, and a replica colt peacemaker in a leather holster (i have a foam one for conventions, this one is a metal replica from denix that looks better on camera)

i have the materials to make rad-away, and i might throw that in this costume somehow. just worried about a bag of dyed water sitting over the rest of these sharp and/or fragile pieces while walking around

i went with a variety of bags/pouches because in my head, it makes no sense for someone using 200yo scavenged materials to have all matching equipment. it makes sense from the game design perspective (less Things To Model), but i see it more likely these were pieced together from scavenging, bartering, and hand making them.

i have the pipboy from the fo4 preorder, but im probably not going to use it for this outfit. its the wrong design for one, but its also plasticy and barely fits my arm (you have to basically cover my hand to get the clamps closed). i prefer this being pre-game courier six, or just some random wandering doctor who does odd jobs for mojave express on the side.

you might notice some major missing props! this mostly has to do with space or cost. i love nuka cola and sunset sarsaparilla, but how on earth am i fitting those bottles in a shoulder bag. as for stimpacks? 2 main reasons. 1, even basic unpainted 3d printed ones are $30+, which seemed excessive for this. 2? those seem more like adrenaline and painkillers meant to get you through battle and less like something a doc would administer. why cover the pain when i can just clean the wound and stitch you up?

im still debating if/how i do the leather gaiters on the doctor fatigues outfit. i cant find anything even close to right, and im not a leatherworker. i have a feeling if i just tuck the pants into my boots, nobody will notice anyway.

i have to stop myself on this one. i keep finding things to add or modify and at this rate itll never be finished. i already have a pair of surgical scissors coming, and i got a harmonica today. those may or may not end up in the bag. plus, ive got my eye on a deck of caravan cards pulled from the game files. the one i have is the preorder bonus one which is a beautiful deck but not very lore friendly.

still trying to figure out how to make/get the bottles they use for antivenom and other potions/poisons in the game. its weirdly hard to find white clay or stone bottles with a cork top and round bottom...

see what i mean! this build will never end...

[calisources]

KLAUS MIKAELSON SENTENCES QUOTES. quotes are taken from both the vampire diaries and the originals. warning, some of this quotes might include threats, mentions of blood, gore and some other vampire terror. change pronouns as you see fit.

He made me feel powerless and I hated it. 

 Power, loyalty, family. I made him in my image and he has bettered me. I want what he has. I want to be king.

Those who live hate me more than ever.

 You're all out of your minds... if you think some liquor-fueled one-night-stand - no offense, sweetheart - means a thing to me.

I will walk away and I will never come back. I promise.

 You'll never again have to look me in the eye and cover our connection with hostility and revulsion.

People have been after me for 1000 years. And I am always one step ahead. So whatever it is you're thinking of trying, go for it, give it your best shot. You won't succeed.

Don't underestimate the allure of the darkness, (name). Even the purest hearts are drawn to it.

 I don't have to prove anything, love. I am the alpha male.

Come on. One dance. I won't bite.

Don't tempt me, little wolf.

Maybe you should mind your business, wolf girl.

The only thing stronger than your craving for blood is your love for this one girl.

You are supposed to be dead. What are we gonna do about that?

I invited him to the party, love. He's the one dancing on the table.

And what kind of father allows another man to die for his child?

My hatred for you runs so deep it's difficult to pinpoint its origin

I believe that secrets are a poison that need to be spat out.

A better man would protect you with that lie. But I am not that man. And so I leave you with the burden of a truth that no one will believe.

End of the day human life is just a means to an end. Our means to our end.

Perhaps one day, in a year or even in a century. You’ll turn up at my door and let me show you what the world has to offer.

From all the poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on the pain of being the object of that affection.

We are the savage villains in fairy tales told to children. But not for (name)

He has done damage only a father can do.

There's no power in love! Mercy makes you weak! Family makes you weak!

This family comes with many hardships, but there is one benefit. You will always have a home here.

This family makes me want to murder people.

The line between what brings us pain and what sustains us is far thinner than one imagines.

Is it evil to take what one wants, to satisfy hunger even if doing so will cause another suffering? What some would call evil, I believe to be an appropriate response to a harsh and unfair world.

You can't win a war without a few strategic losses, no matter how regrettable they may be.

We all must stand alone against our demons.

They say that the passage of time will heal all wounds, but the greater the loss the deeper the cut.

Over the course of my life I've encountered no shortage of those who would presume to speak of good and evil. Such terms mean nothing. People do what is in their best interest.

You know, it's funny how often a person's sharp tongue can end up cutting their own throat.

. Death dances silently in everyone’s shadow, and she doesn’t give a damn. So why give a damn about her?

Art taught me that one's vision can be achieved with sheer force of will.

If I tell you who I really am and you refuse to beleive me, then I can hardly be blamed.

If you knew even a fraction of who I am, it would break you in two.

Because what’s important to you is important to me. What makes you happy makes me want to keep you so. What scares you, I want to tear apart. 

I do not wish to watch you from behind glass, (name).

You rant and rave about the monster I have become.

 There is beauty in the courage of the fragile fighter. Those that persevere, despite all they've been through, those who still believe there is good in the world, as dark things we often find we need that light the most.

ou presume to know me? Then know this... I will gladly end you for what you did to (name).

Mere hours after you lecture me about boundaries and here you are at my house in the middle of the night.

Mere hours since she died I've thought of a thousand things I forgot to say.

I can tell you I love you tomorrow. You're not dying today.

Violence is unavoidable then. Well, I tried.

In my experience an offer from a malevolent witch always comes with a catch. What's yours?

It would be better for you if you did fear me.

You know, you all seem to think this is a democracy, and I assure you it is not!

I quite enjoy my obsessions, thank you very much.

Everybody knows you're in love with her. 

You do realize it is not I who is to be the husband you can boss around.

You declared war when you came after my family and for that, I will make you suffer as only I can.

 I'm sorry, is this some sort of motherly critique? Please feel free to choke on it.

The whole time she lied to me. She made me weak.

Well it was a challenge to find a good pairing. What wine goes well with treachery?

A man damaged by his demons and those demons are not dormant, they are hell-bent on killing me and everything I find beautiful. And you, you are beautiful.

[achronicmess]

Because You Can’t See It

TW: This post deals with chronic illness and its impact on mental health, specifically my personal experiences in this context.

You can’t see it. Most people would probably describe me as a dynamic, positive, and cheerful person. Because you can’t tell by looking at me that I’m sick. And often, I almost forget myself how much I deal with every single day. I usually go through life smiling because my illnesses are part of me, but they don’t define me. And even though I struggle, there’s no reason for me to treat those around me poorly. Often, I even feel really good, but then a day like today comes along, and all my positivity seems to vanish.

Yesterday, I was full of energy and drive, checking off my to-do list without any problems. Today, the world looks different. My alarm rings at 8 a.m. There’s so much to do; I absolutely have to keep working on my term paper. But just before 11 a.m., I’m still lying in bed. This time, it’s a migraine. My head is pounding, the light seems to stab through my eyes into my brain, poking around in there. I feel so nauseous that I try to stop myself from throwing up by doing breathing exercises. I know I should eat something to feel better, but I can’t get anything down. I can’t even touch my coffee. I’ve been lying here for almost three hours now, focusing on my breathing and thinking about all the things I need to get done today. At 11 a.m., I finally drag myself into the bathroom, hoping a hot shower will help. But I don’t even make it to the shower. I feel so sick that I just sit down on the bathroom floor. Breathe, I tell myself. Inhale, exhale, don’t panic. But as I sit here next to the dryer on the floor, I feel unbelievably pathetic. Here I am again. I feel terrible, and once again, my body is failing me, as it so often does. I break down in tears. Great, now I’m sitting here crying on the bathroom floor, and from this point, my thoughts spiral.

It’s always the same. It starts with “Why?”. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why is my body so fragile? Why can’t I just be healthy? Be normal? Why me? I sink into self-pity and hate myself for it because there are people who have it so much worse than I do. But the thoughts won’t stop. I feel like a failure. Weak, because I can’t even get through a simple day. Because I so often can’t meet my responsibilities. Because I neglect my friends, cancel plans, and can’t stick to deadlines. Because my studies are dragging on. Because I can’t establish routines. And all of this is just because my body is attacking itself from the inside, can’t protect me on the outside, and gets overwhelmed by stress. I’m young, and I have many goals I want to achieve in life, but on days like this, I just wish I didn’t exist at all.

After half an hour, I finally manage to get into the shower, hoping my meds will start working soon. I decide to leave my tasks for the day aside and just go back to bed until I feel better. I know I’ll beat myself up tomorrow for not getting anything done. For being unproductive and pushing my tasks off. Even though, deep down, I know it’s not my fault. That it’s important to take care of my health and myself on days like this. That my fragile body is part of me, and I have to accept it. That I’ve become who I am today because of my situation. That my illnesses have made me a strong person. That I am strong.

But the only person telling me that is myself. And it’s not always easy to believe it. From others, I hear things like: “But you look so fit,” “You have diabetes? But you’re so slim!” “You have rheumatoid arthritis? But you’re so young!” “Oh, stop complaining. Wait until you get to my age.” “Why are you always so tired? You’re still young and full of energy.” “Another vacation? You hardly work as it is.”

And no matter how much I know these people are wrong, that they’re ignorant and have no right to judge, I internalize these things. So I feel guilty when I call in sick. I feel bad when I have to cancel appointments. I feel incompetent because I can’t handle everyday tasks like a healthy person can. And I’m afraid of being judged. Afraid of being seen as unreliable or lazy. Even though I’m doing my best.

I don’t want pity from others, but what I do wish for is understanding and recognition. For me and for all the other people who are struggling with chronic illnesses. There’s so much more to it than just the illness. It’s a huge mental burden. Especially in a society so focused on performance. We give everything we can, but to keep up, we have to give so much more than a healthy person.

But no one sees that. Because you can’t see it.

October 18, 2024

[mystryxx]

BENEATH MEMORIES OF A LOVELESS SKY // THE FALSE PARADIGM OF PREDATION

"make your heart so soft

even the most careless of hands cannot break it"

— L.E. Bowman

The larval moth, molts almost continuously until it reaches its adult form. As such, we should compassionately allow so much more room to accommodate our respective Fluxes, to bend and to breathe and to flex with each other as we metamorphose— so long as our unique personhoods remain respected. After all, our growth is indeed dependent on our proximity to each other; nothing is truly isolated in its coalescence. Even a cocoon is but an ecosystem of delicate compounds, dependent on a stable environment to exist; within which we are then safe to utterly liquify for our transmutation. 🦋

Yet it's just so strange to me, this pro-domineering culture with tailored defense mechanisms to keep its shitty, festering self intact. And now we have nothing but a rube goldberg machine of tedium and suffering, with the stewardship of basic resources tied up and inaccessible globally but to a proportionate few.

In my experience, no seedlings emerge robustly healthy under forcefully preened, extremely manicured circumstances. The illusion of complete control can never truly account for the chaos of the Unknown. If anything, the monoculture of the tyrant fosters immense weakness in most of its upholders, facilitating fragility especially of the spirit— hence why it cannot survive even gently targeted critique, and is quite sure to try to attack or shut down anything divergent from itself out of pure thoughtless reaction.

It's amusing to me, how conformity reveals itself to be an innately antisocial behavior. In reality, a hallmark of effective social survival is actually diversity and adaptability. It's a healthy willingness to cooperate as well~ understanding that true freedom for the individual, lies in the rich soil of all of our needs being met.

As a child, in becoming aware of my own queerness, I can only define it as understanding early on that I am incapable of being pigeon-holed into pre-established molds (a lot of which have been artificially manufactured anyway). I just needed a safe realm to nourish myself and to "liquify", that is, to explore my ever-unfolding being, without judgement and shame. Today I still feel a profound ache over having missed out on that.

Meanwhile, to my shock and grief, I've watched over and over, fully grown adults bullying and ostracizing their own child, oddly feeling threatened or insecure by their uniqueness. I see parallels of the culture I grew up in, which was far more preoccupied with fitting in and executing control than embodying compassion, or treating others with basic respect and decency. It commodified the young, it loathed the different, and it certainly never even saw us as human and having intrinsic worth.

By the time I met people who humanized me, I had been so psychologically monsterized by my differentness, that it was a long slow crawl through the trenches to cognitively rewire myself as lovable. And the wrong people took advantage of those wounds until I found my ability to diagnose their behaviors and defend myself from their predation. Since predators rely on their victims to remain broken in spirit, anyone occupying oppressed space needs to excise any such impressions within themselves; to take root in their own wholeness and Belonging which was always there, in order to turn back the tides of the damage done.

At any rate, this is why it's important to love and hold sacred our children's expressions. I'm so completely exhausted by the cruelty of others. Now is seriously the time to be softly true to our hearts, honest and sensitive, fostering better for this era and for those who will come after us.

"His gentleness was uncompromising; because he would not compete for dominance, he was indomitable."

—Ursula Le Guin, "The Dispossessed"

Safe journeys unto you. 🌱🌹

[roseianxiety]

you pulled me out of my thoughts

Ship: Prinxiety (can be platonic or romantic)

Content Warning: heavy angst, panic attacks, crying, blood (mild), bruises (mild/mentioned), hurt/comfort

Author's Note: I wrote like, 80% of this while I was half-asleep and around midnight so I apologize if there are any errors. I am open to constructive criticism.

Also, this fic takes place after SvS Redux

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He stumbled into his room as tears finally started rolling down his face. He'd been trying so hard not to cry, he hadn't let himself have a single moment of weakness since... Roman shook his head to push those thoughts away. He was supposed to be strong, wasn’t he? That was what he told himself at least. He couldn't afford to show any more weaknesses than he already does, what will the others think if they saw him like this? So pathetic and weak... not strong enough to be someone's hero.

Roman let out a broken sob as he tries to wipe the tears that continue to flow endlessly. His breath hitches in fear and his eyes water even more because it still hurts too much to breathe and the tears won't stop flowing. His knees went weak and he eventually dropped to the floor, unable to hold himself up anymore. The world around him had gotten blurry from the tears falling steadily from his eyes. He didn’t hear anything, only felt the pain, heard nothing but the sound of his own muffled sobs and crying. The sound of his heartbeat reverberated inside his head, making his entire body feel heavy. It felt like everything was crushing his lungs, suffocating him.

What did he do wrong? Why did they choose Deceit over him? Deceit is the villain, he is the HERO. At least, that's what he was. Yet he failed to become one. Was he not enough? Too cowardly to take up an opportunity given to him? Too weak-hearted, too fragile. Too... broken. He should've done better. He knew he should've done better.

But what good is being a hero if you can't even help yourself? Why couldn't he be strong?

The room spun in front of his eyes again as another wave of tears escaped his eyes. He clenched his jaw so tightly, his teeth clacked together painfully. He forced himself to stand up from the ground, his knees still wobbly. Roman walked slowly towards the bathroom, stumbling on his feet every once in a while as he struggled to keep himself standing upright. Once he was inside the bathroom, he looked at the mirror, at his reflection. His tear-filled brown eyes stared back at him. There were black rings under his eyes and tears stained his cheeks. His usually styled hair was a mess and... God, he looks so horrible. He looked so... weak. And helpless.

Without a thought, he punched the mirror in front of him, breaking it into pieces. Roman looks at his shaky fist, knuckles bruised and bloodied. The shards of glass dug into his skin but he was too numb to care. Blood dripped off the wounds to the floor. He looked up from his fist back to the mirror, now looking at his cracked reflection in the mirror in front of him. He could see the small fragments of glass scattered all around his feet. He was bleeding all over the bathroom tiles. His chest was heaving with shallow breaths and Roman could feel a sudden wave of dizziness come over him.

He backed away from the sink, the world was spinning around him and everything started getting fuzzy. His head started pounding loudly in his ears, he was breathing heavily, gasping desperately for air. He dropped to the floor once more as his legs gave in. What little strength he had left in his limbs vanished as he sat there on the cold, tiled floor. Tears continued pouring down his face without ceasing as his breaths came in shallow hiccups. Roman curled into a ball, hugging his knees close to his chest as he buried his head against them. He closed his eyes shut tightly, squeezing them shut in hopes of stopping his tears. This would pass, right? Everything would just go away and it’ll all be back to normal soon.

His breathing quickened as he tried desperately to calm down. He couldn’t. His body refused to cooperate, his mind kept telling him to breathe, breathe. He needed to stay calm, he needs to get himself together.

Unaware, he didn't notice someone had come into the bathroom, their voice was muffled over Roman's racing thoughts and his hyperventilating until he felt a hand on his shoulder, snapping him out of his panicked state.

"–man. Roman!"

Roman looked at the person and realized that it was Virgil. Roman opened his mouth but no words would escape. He could barely breathe properly, his chest was hurting so badly. It was as though someone was pulling on his lungs, trying to pull them apart.

"Hey, you need to breathe. Do you still remember that breathing technique? Can you do that for me, alright?" Virgil asked gently, kneeling beside him and wiping his tear-stained cheeks.

Roman shook his head and Virgil spoke, "Okay. Breathe in for 4 seconds,". Roman followed along, breathing in. "...hold for 7,". Roman followed suit, holding for 7 seconds. "Then out for 8.". He breathes out

"Good job, Ro. Do it again until your breathing is normal, yeah?" Virgil said encouragingly. Roman nodded and continued doing as instructed until his breathing became even. When he finished, Virgil patted his shoulder comfortingly. “Are you alright now, Ro?". The other nodded once again at his question but did not speak even just a mere word. "Good." Virgil smiled warmly at his friend.

"Can you talk? Can you tell me what happened— oh okay." Virgil queries but Roman immediately shook his head before he could even continue his question. He didn't want to bother Virgil with unnecessary things, he had already made him worried. "You don't have to say it if you don't want to," Virgil assured him quietly. He then glances at Roman's hands, noticing the bruised knuckles, a frown forming on his lips. He remembers the glass shards and the cracked mirror when he entered the bathroom earlier, realizing what happened then.

"I should patch these up or they'll get infected... Where's your first aid kit?"

Roman raised his hand and pointed at the bathroom cabinet beside the mirror. Virgil walked over there swiftly and grabbed the kit out of the cabinet. He then walked back and kneeled in front of Roman, starting to disinfect the cuts on Roman’s hands using some antiseptic wipes. Roman hissed in pain as Virgil cleaned the cuts. "Sorry..." The anxious façet apologized softly as he continued cleaning the cuts, occasionally glancing at the other with concern etched into his expression.

After several minutes of careful work by Virgil, all of the cuts were bandaged and Roman sat properly on the bathroom floor, inspecting the other's work. Virgil stood up and placed the first aid kit back in its usual spot on the cabinet. He then turned to look at Roman. "Do you need help getting up?". The other declined his offer and tried to stand up by himself but his feet didn't cooperate and he almost fell back down if it weren't for Virgil quickly assessing him back up.

He took Roman's arms and helped him to his feet. "There we go, let's get you changed and into bed, yeah? You look like shit, man, no offense though. A rest will do you good." Virgil explained, guiding Roman back to his bedroom. The other let him do so, simply nodding his head silently.

"You should change your clothes, they got some blood on them," Virgil commented. Roman looked down at his tunic and it indeed was stained with some blood. Roman grimaced and nodded. Virgil turned away as Roman quickly got changed into fresh pajamas, once he was done changing, he sat down and tucked himself in his bed.

"Virge?"

"Yeah?" He replied as he looked back at Roman.

Roman smiles at him softly as he spoke with a hoarse voice, "Thank you...". Virgil gave him another smile back. "Anytime.". The two of them stayed silent after that until Virgil cleared his throat, breaking the silence. "I should leave you be now so you can rest properly.".

Roman's eyes widened as he exclaimed, his voice breaking slightly. " Please stay!—". Virgil looked at him, surprised, before sighing, and giving him a small nod. "Alright, I'm staying.". Roman scooted a bit so Virgil can sit beside him. The anxious façet did that, sitting beside him. Roman shifted so his head was resting on Virgil's shoulders instead of lying on the bed and closed his eyes. Virgil looked at him for a while before wrapping his arms around the other and resting his chin atop Roman's head gently. There was a soft silence for a moment before Roman spoke up again.

"Wh-why are you doing this?" Roman whispers, voice shaking ever so slightly, voice cracking ever so slightly. He sounded pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. "Because... because I care about you, " Virgil responded simply, carding his fingers through Roman's hair.

"But why? I'm a huge jerk and I'm not strong enough to be anyone's hero. I can't even help myself." Roman exclaimed as he pulled away from Virgil and looked up at him with watery eyes. Virgil frowned at him as he cupped the sides of Roman's face lightly.

"Stop thinking that way, you're strong, you don't need to prove anything to anyone. You can always rely on yourself, you're not weak, Ro, none of us think you are. Everyone has flaws, everyone makes mistakes. But we learn from them and we try to improve. We can't help it. Nobody is perfect." Virgil said as he caressed his cheek carefully with his thumb. "Even you." He added.

Roman stared at him for a while before bursting into tears which alarmed Virgil more. He wrapped his arms around the crying side, rubbing circles on his back soothingly. "Shh, it's okay. It’s okay." He whispered over and over as Roman began sniffling and trying to control his cries. Virgil waited patiently for him to finish, stroking his curls softly until his tears subsided.

He hadn't seen Roman cry before and seeing him like this, vulnerable, made his heart break a little bit more. Virgil was so used seeing Roman being all tough and confident, he was arrogant, dramatic and obnoxious. But this Roman in his arms, he was so different from the princely side that he knew. Virgil never imagined he could see the other like this. But despite that, Virgil was still amazed by Roman's strength and bravery.

Virgil was snapped out from his thoughts when he heard Roman mutter something quietly but he didn't quite catch it. "What was that?" He questioned in a soft tone. He just then realized that Roman had finally stopped crying.

Roman spoke softly, "It's weird witnessing you being all soft and caring. If I wasn't crying my eyes out, I would've teased you about it." He then finished his sentence with a soft chuckle.

Virgil scoffed softly before rolling his eyes, "Welcome back, Princey. And shut up.". There was an air of relief to his tone and Roman relaxed into the touch, his body relaxing into Virgil's embrace slowly. "You okay now?" He questions Roman who nods in response. Virgil didn't bother to ask any other questions, not wanting to force Roman to talk if he was uncomfortable.

"Again, thank you, Virgil. Really... Thank you." Roman says, snuggling close to Virgil. Virgil smiled fondly at him, bringing a hand up and running his fingers along Roman's hair lightly. "Anytime, Ro. Now, get some beauty sleep, you look like a ten-wheeler truck ran over you.".

"I'll sleep only if you'll cuddle me."

"Really, Princey? Do I have to?"

"Pretty pleaseee?"

"Ugh, fine."

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Writing Taglist: @cutebisexualmess @extraintrovertedalien (please tell me if you want to be added or removed in the tag list)