#why am i one of the Vocal Ones in class this is so weird

[soggypotatoes]

the problem with turning up to uni all colourful in overalls and pigtails is that everyone thinks im 18

im 27, i just have the fashion sense of a clown and my neck is sweaty

[strange-creature-222]

OUUGHHH THIS IS MAKING ME THINK SO MANY THINGS OH MY GOD/POS

@lilywithcatears you should read this pls pls pls

I found myself thinking of Jekyll today and wondering if it causes him physical pain to have to fake a smile. To what extent is Henry Jekyll, pleasant doctor and sophisticated upperclass gentleman a painful mask he has to wear and does the discomfort ever feel physical?

I was at the local aquarium today (this is the perfect time of year to go because it's open but there are no tourists so it's never crowded and admission is cheap) hanging out and doodling on one of the benches while I watched the fish. I had on headphones to listen to an audio book and to provide a buffer between myself and anyone who might try to talk to me and I had been looking forward to relaxing for a couple of hours when a family walked up and the father waved his hand in front of my face to get my attention. The minute they started asking me questions about what I was drawing I was filled with what I can only describe as intense dismay.

Obviously the family being present isn't in of itself an issue, it's a public aquarium, it's aimed at families and parts of the aquarium are geared specifically at children, but the family noticed me drawing and stopped to talk to me.

I reiterate that this was not something they did wrong, they were just being friendly, but I was really not prepared to have a conversation and I found the whole ordeal to be...well an ordeal. They were interested in what I was drawing (a sketch of Henry Jekyll because he's been on my mind off and on) and just the thought of having to explain who this character was, hoping they got it, and having to potentially explain why I was drawing him felt overwhelming.

And it was, they did not know who Henry Jekyll was, they were vaguely aware of Jekyll and Hyde but weren't the type of people to read classic literature and had never heard of the musical or actually seen for themselves any movies featuring the character. The mom commented that he looks like "a Disney villain from back in the 90s" which...fair assessment, I can't pretend I don't see why she would have thought that. The older kid was probably the most interested and wanted to see more of my drawings which made me really uncomfortable but I let him look through my sketchbook anyway because his parents kept saying he was interested in drawing and he loves art and I felt too anxious to say no.

I made small talk with the parents for a while, all the usual, "what's your name, where you from, what's your job?" (I hate those questions, they are usually the least interesting things about any people, myself included) and I wondered if this is what Henry does on a regular day. Has ordinary conversations with reasonably nice people and feel completely like a fish out of water the whole time. I felt pretty terrible about it too, I didn't have any hard feelings or resentment but the whole time I was thinking "Stop touching my things, go away, please fucking leave so I can get back to my audio book and my drawing. I just wanted to sit with the fish for a few hours because it's supposed to be quiet here this time of year."

No one ever seems to catch on that physically talking to people is an effort for me. I've gone my whole life and no one has ever noticed that I'm anxious or uncomfortable in situations where I have to speak out loud because I've gotten good at faking small talk and I know how to make my voice sound pleasant.

It's strange because I express myself easily enough in writing and I like messaging with people over text but the minute I have to be verbal with people I don't know I feel like I'm putting on an immense effort. I have to consciously choose a tone, figure out what words I want to say, be ready with an explanation in case I'm asked questions and I have to do all of it in real time on the spot. It feels like improve, like I'm constantly doing an improve routine and I know most people would say "Just be yourself!" But myself doesn't want to be doing this at all. Myself wants to be drawing and looking at fish. Even as a child I was never very social, I liked to doodle or daydream or build with my lego sets. I got reprimanded a lot for being too quiet. So I made myself more talkative and learned how to hold conversations. I learned to blend in but it's so tiring at times and I can swear when it's at its worst it feels almost physical. The discomfort becomes a suffocating "texture" on my skin and in my brain and I have to keep pretending like I don't notice it because every time I try to articulate how I feel people don't understand it. It's just not a thing they experience.

So I just keep "acting normal," and wonder if there's something wrong with me, like I'm operating on a different frequency from the people around me and I'm the only one on that frequency so other people don't even know it exists. It's...incredibly isolating at times. Even my partner doesn't seem to hear the world as loud as I do or experience the "texture" it's just a strange THING that I'm stuck with by myself. I wonder if it was the same for Henry Jekyll? Except instead being of too quiet he was too loud, too boisterous, threw tantrums, didn't know when to stop rambling about anatomy and weird gross medical facts. So he learned how to cover it and move through life pretending to be interested in everyone else but keenly aware they could never share his interests because his favorite subjects were too grisly and if he started talking about diseases he'd put everyone off. I head-canon Jekyll loves what he does, but he doesn't love it for reasons a doctor should, he doesn't care that much about healing the sick, he cares about conquering illnesses, he likes to learn about symptoms, he enjoys the disgusting viscera of his work. But he can't let on that this is what he enjoys about his work because that's not noble or heroic, it's something most people would find creepy of him. So he buries it and pretends he cares about curing the sick. He pretends he enjoys talking to people who don't know anything about who he is or what he does but they think they do because they are aware of doctors and understand that medicine exists. All the time he loathes it, it exhausts him and he can't even indulge in activities he enjoys to blow of steam because he enjoys things like brawling, doing drugs, and fucking. All things a man of his status shouldn't be seen doing. There's an image people associate with Henry Jekyll and it's an image he can't afford to tarnish...

but it's not really HIS image, it's just a buffer he keeps up to make himself more palatable. I wonder if that ever hurts him physically, if the mask ever feels like a "texture" muffling him.

there are times when I feel like it's no wonder he wasn't repulsed by Hyde when he first saw his reflection. Because I can only imagine by the time Hyde showed up he was already completely burnt out on being Jekyll.

[bgomtori]

☆ boyfriend - cyj

synopsis - he remembers it too well, he doesn't know how to act properly around you, even after being friends, he keeps thinking about it.

-> yeonjun x reader

-> songfic, strangers to friends to lovers, kissing, slow burn, college au, drunken confessions.

-> warnings! alcohol is involved, you and yeonjun just started college, i don't know much about college but.. please bare with me.. written in yeonjun's perspective!

-> notes! ahhh yeonjun's new ost had me giggling and kicking my feet 😭😭 his vocal range is so fascinating + some parts are inspired by seasons of lovesome!

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ call me back when you're sober

this was stupid, he regretted coming to this orientation programme made for the freshmen students. yeonjun stared into blank space, laughing at some joke one of the seniors cracked.

"aww come on! yeonjun, you barely had any of this soju. it's real good" one of the seniors slurred, grabbing onto the neck of the soju bottle, ready to tip some into the solo cup yeonjun was holding.

"haha, it's fine, i'm not that much of a drinker.." he chuckled nervously, shaking his head. his senior looked at him with a frown before singing happily to a song that was blasting in the speakers. yeonjun sighed, wanting to get out of the cramped k-bbq store and get some fresh air.

his phone suddenly started buzzing, causing him to take it out of his pocket, staring at the string of messages yeji sent.

yeji : come out of the store, i need help.

yeonjun : are you kidnapping me? freak..

yeji : shut the fuck up and come out.

yeonjun turned off his phone, slipping it into his picket before heading out of the store, running his hand through his hair.

"psst, here" at the sound of that, yeonjun almost shrieked.

"what the fuck?? why are you hiding in the alley—" his words were cut short when he noticed someone slouched beside yeji, completely drunk.

"this is yn, from the fine arts course, she was drinking a lot, so i decided to pull her here to prevent something worse from happening." yeji explained.

"then why am i here..?" yeonjun quirked an eyebrow, staring down at the two.

"so like, i gotta head out of here. my partner texted me, telling that we should leave together." she pointed to her phone, showing yeonjun her messages she had with her partner.

"alright. but you owe me one" yeonjun sighed, watching yeji jump up, giving him a thumbs up before leaving the alley. he turned down, looking at you stumble when yeji left, your only pillar of support had left. you turned up, staring at yeonjun through hazy eyes. you got up slowly with the aid of the wall. yeonjun was quick to grab your arm, helping you regain your balance.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ i'm afraid i might've never loved ya

maybe it was the alcohol in your system, maybe it was because there was an extremely attractive male standing infront of you, but your felt more bold, you didn't even know the guy. without a single thought, your arms were wrapped around yeonjun's neck, pulling him down to your level. his eyes widened, shocked and flustered, his heart racing. your messy hair and disshelved clothing made you more.. attractive in his eyes.

he was then met with a sudden kiss on his lips. usually he would push the person off, but it was weird, there was something about you that he was interested in. he pulled away quickly, holding onto your waist as he forced your arm over his shoulders, allowing you to put your entire body weight on him. this was stupid.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ when you fill my head full of a thousand thoughts

he didn't expect it. you were coincidentally in the same art history elective as him. since when was there a common class between the dance majors and the fine art majors? he looks around the lecture theatre, the only seat available was the one beside you. he quietly slide into the seat, nodding at you as a greeting. you copied the action.

it seemed like you couldn't recall the events that happened last night, but yeonjun clearly did. while you were focused on scribbling the notes down into your notebook, yeonjun was copying down the notes, with his head empty, only filled with thoughts from the night before.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ so why you looking at me like i'm your boyfriend, boyfriend

the class ended, yeonjun doesn't even know what the teacher talked about during the entire lecture. he glanced at you packing up your study materials. he mentally groaned at the fact that you can't seem to remember anything. he wants to know if you actually didn't know or if you are an expert at hiding your feelings. yeonjun carried his bag over his shoulder.

"yeonjun! can you teach me that one move you did in class?" a guy walked up to yeonjun, practically begging.

"yeah, sure." yeonjun nodded his head, about to head out of the lecture theatre until he came to a halt, "ah, hold on."

he noticed that you were still packing up your bags, shoving a notebook down into your bag. he knocked against the table, making you look up at him, startled.

"choi yeonjun, from the dance course. try to remember next time alright?" yeonjun smiled at you.

"oh, yn ln from fine arts.." you looked up at him, still confused at the current situation. yeonjun gave you a quick nod before walking away with his friends who were staring with shocked eyes. whispers immediately became more evident.

"i've never seen choi yeonjun flirt with anyone before."

"so he does have an interest in girls.."

"this guy has been hiding his power all along."

yeonjun scoffed at the murmuring, walking out of the lecture theatre. no one knew, not even you, only him.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ why you lookin' at me like i'm–

days slowly turned into weeks, you became friends with yeji, something you have been hoping for ever since she chugged your drink down at the freshman orientation party. yet the most unexpected thing happened, choi yeonjun.

ever since he introduced himself to you, you've been seeing him almost everywhere, in the hallways, in the secluded cafe at the college that barely anyone goes to, and even the library. of course he noticed this, he has been purposely sitting beside you, striking a conversation with you every now and then when you're studying.

"yn! you really like this cafe huh?" yeonjun laughed, sliding in the seat beside you.

"yea, no one really comes here so it gives me a better environment to study in." i nod my head, removing a side of my airpods from my ear. he hummed, taking out his own study materials too. the both of you studied in silence, whether it was comfortable or awkward, it was quiet. it was killing yeonjun, the way his heart raced, how he can smell the perfume you were wearing. he is in too deep.

"are you studying art history?" you suddenly asked, disrupting yeonjun's train of thought.

"huh? oh! yes i am. why?" he made himself look like a fool infront of you.

"can you.. help me, i didn't understand the last lecture." you requested sheepishly, shifting closer to him as you pointed to the slides on your laptop.

"oh yeah sure. do you need everything or just a certain section of the lecture?" he asked, scrolling through the slides.

"everything, i'm so sorry." you apologised, feeling embarrassed for requesting something so big.

"don't apologise, that's what friends are for right?" yeonjun smiled, flipping over his notebook to the notes he took down during that lecture.

"friends..? yea, friends." you nod your head, clicking your pen. your heart raced, the same fluttery feeling you felt when he first introduced himself to you.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ why you lookin' at me like i'm boyfriend, boyfriend.

it has been a regular occurrence now, visiting the cafe together to study together despite your different courses. yeonjun feels as if he has gotten closer to you, he feels like he understands you better now. he knows your favourite colour, your favourite type of flowers and your favourite food. such basic things to know about another person, yet it meant so much to him.

yeonjun doesn't know if he's delusional, or reading too much into things. the way you looked at him, the way your fingers accidentally brush against his while you're studying, or the way you talk to him. he doesn't know what to feel.

some people (yeji) told him that you're interested in him, absolutely smitten. he doesn't believe it. no way you'd like him, right? that drunken kiss you gave him the first time you saw him, was just on accident.. right? drunk words or actions mean sober thoughts.. right? he's confused.

do you feel the same unusual feelings?? do you feel the way just like he does? or are you just friendly? then why are you looking at him like he's your boyfriend. it's infuriating. everytime you talk to him, it goes in and out of his head instantly, he's not listening to you. your words turn into sweet melodies for him to listen to. he wants you so fucking bad.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ we would be something more than just friends i'll be honest

yeonjun's phone started ringing, he was in the midst of wrapping up with his dance practice. he grabbed his phone looking at the caller id, it was you. in an instant he picked up.

"yn..?" he mumbled, not wanting to distract the rest who were in the same practice room as him. he slowly packed up his stuff, waiting for you to answer.

"can you come?" your words were slurred, you're drinking again.

"where? the bar or your apartment?" yeonjun sighed, slinging his bag over his shoulder as he made his way out of the practice room after waving goodbye to his friends.

"apartment.." you replied, feeling slightly dizzy.

yeonjun sighed, murmuring a quick, 'see you' before ending the call. he practically teleported to your apartment, knocking on the door, waiting for you to answer.

"yn, open up. i bought some food for you." yeonjun knocked again, trying to make his presence known. soon enough, you opened the door. you looked sluggish and reeked of alcohol.

"how much did you drink..? why did you even drink?" yeonjun looked at you, slightly concerned as he walked into your apartment, locking the front door behind him.

"my grades came out.. real bad.. got a B." you explained. yeonjun frowned, knowing that you were an overachiever and you wouldn't settle for anything lesser than an A.

"it's fine, this isn't your final grade, there's always room for improvement." yeonjun comforted, rubbing your back as he guided you back into your room, placing the food in the kitchen on the way. you sat on the edge of your bed, looking at yeonjun placing his stuff down on the ground. he made eye contact with you.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ i can't make a life without you

"i remember." you mumbled.

"what?" yeonjun's heart started racing.

"the first time i met you, i kissed you.. i remember it." you paused for a while, before continuing. " 'm sorry for suddenly doing that to you. if you feel uncomfortable, we can stop being friends."

yeonjun's eyes widened as he heard your words, he walked towards you, his hand placed on your head.

"what nonsense are you saying, if i was uncomfortable i wouldn't have introduced myself to you in the first place." yeonjun reassured, looking into your glistening eyes. you kept quiet, still feeling guilty for coming onto him that night.

"stop feeling guilty about yourself yn." yeonjun rubbed your hands.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ be there for you, treat you right.

"i like you"

"huh?"

"i like you yeonjun, i didn't know i liked you until you introduced yourself to me. i've always remembered that night, i just didn't want to tell you.. scared that you'd hate me." you stated, rubbing your teary eyes. yeonjun couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"you're drunk yn, are you sure you like me?" yeonjun blatantly asked, it was the first thought in his mind.

"i am! i'm drunk but i know how i feel for you. i've always felt like this but i'm scared of rejection. that's another reason why i drank and called you, i felt more bold. if not, we would always be dancing around the more than friends less than lovers. i hated that! i was so confused–" you rambled, your tears flowing out of your eyes, your heart was hammering against your chest. you were so scared of rejection. yet, why was he suddenly pulling you close? his lips met yours, his hands placed on the small of your back.

you melted into the kiss, kissing him back. it was so electrifying, yeonjun's ears were red as he pulled away, looking straight into your eyes.

"does.. does that answer your question?" yeonjun mumbled, staring at your face, his eyes darting back to your swollen lips.

"mhm.." you hiccuped, wiping away your tears.

"i've always thought that you actually forgot about that incident, i just decided to play it cool, maybe figure out a way for you to like me back. that's why i found out the cafe you always went to from yeji, purposely going there to bump into you." yeonjun explained, using his thumb to wipe your tears before he continued,

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ i ain't like the other guys

"can i be your boyfriend? i'll treat you right, better than any of your past relationships. i'll always be there for you, i won't make you feel confused anymore, my heart beats only for you yn." yeonjun smiled, his words were genuine and sincere. you nod your head, feeling completely estatic.

"good, now let's get you sobered up, i don't want you to have a headache in the morning." yeonjun chuckled, holding onto your hands as he dragged you into the kitchen to eat the food he left on the counter that was now cold.

"you want me to heat it up for you?" he asked. you shook your head, sitting on the chair, struggling to unwrap the bag. yeonjun immediately noticed and placed the cup of water beside you, he grabbed a chair and unwrapped the plastic bag and removed the lid of the food container.

"thank you.." you mumbled, shoving food into your mouth. yeonjun hummed, watching you slowly eat your food in contentment.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ what you like, know it like i know you.

it has been months since you confessed to yeonjun, he has been treating you as if you're glass, always afraid to hurt you, always there to tend to your needs. god you loved him so much just as much as he loved you. finally you could stare at him ramble about anything without him getting suspicious on whether you liked him or not.

⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ why you looking at me like i'm your boyfriend, boyfriend.

perm taglist! (send an ask to be added :D) @mrsyawnzzn @tinyelfperson @woncheecks @boba-beom @naveries @be-argyu @defnotleee @babymochibeargyu

[devilishlycute]

Exchanging Love Songs

(Drabble)

Gender Neutral Reader x Izuku Midoriya

AU: Soulmate

Fluff

Summary: In a World where soulmates could communicate with each other through the music they listen to in hopes of to one day finding each other. You decide that 50s Doo-Wop was the best way to start!

╔══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╗

My phone read 12:00 AM, Midnight. It was finally my birthday and I am stressing. Scrolling through my playlist of various genres of music, desperate to find the perfect one to play for my soulmate.. 

Why am I doing this, you ask? It's simple really: What ever music I listen to it also plays in my soulmate's ears. 

My eyes squint as I continued scrolling.

Grunge.

Metal.

Rock—

"Damn it... None of these choices are good."

I sigh out, sadly staring down at my playlist. My eyes slowly reading down the list. These songs were either too intense for midnight or just not the right vibe that I'm going for.

"Wait."

My eyes catch on a song title that automatically made me smile and regain my hope! I pulled out my earbuds and plug them in getting ready to hit play and broadcast the song to my soulmate.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

4:15 PM Musutafu, Japan (On the other side of the World)

"Great work today Todoroki, Kacchan!"

Izuku cheers as he opens his locker and starts to undress out of his hero suit.

Put your head on my shoulder./

Hold me in your arms, Baby./

Squeeze me oh-so tight. Show me, that you love me too./

Izuku freezes as he hears music in his ears, the lyrics sounded foreign but the melody sounded happy and flooded his heart with warmth. He looks around trying to see if there was any speakers in the locker room causing Shoto to call him out on his strange behavior.

"What's the matter Midoriya?"

"I'm hearing music.. are there any speakers in here?"

This gained Katsuki's attention, the explosive blond clicks his tongue as he pulls his shirt over his head.

"It might be your soulmate dumbass. Trying to communicate to you. What the hell is playing in your head right now?"

Izuku's lips pull down into a frown, he tries to listen again.

Put your lips next to my ear./

Won't you kiss me once?/

"It's in English.. Sounds like an old love song."

Izuku mumbled, his freckled cheeks slowly growing warm the more he listens to the song.

"But it sounds weird.. like there's a guitar, drums and backup vocals. I can't pinpoint the genre of this song.. It sounds like rock just slower."

Izuku sits on the metal bench and listens further, the song was definitely English thanks to all the English classes Present Mic taught at UA.

"You should play them something back. Let them know you listened, use a Japanese song"

Shoto pipes up, the Half and half boy was already finished dressing.

Izuku's head snaps in Shoto's direction, the blush spreading further on his face.

"Huh, what would I play though??! Would they even understand it?"

"Don't get so stressed out nerd! Icy-Hot's got the right idea... Surprisingly. It's like giving them a clue for where you are on this damn planet."

Katsuki grunts out pulling his pants up.

Izuku's eyes landed on his cellphone, reaching out he grabs it and brings it up to his face. His reflection staring back at him, his red face and an anxious look on his face.

Baby, just a kiss goodnight./

Maybe, you and I will fall in love./

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

[vad-hander]

LET’S KEEP IT SECRET Pt.6

pairing: Jaehyun x reader x Yuta

others: SM Rookies, multiple SM and JYP idols

genre: series | idol!au | smut | angst | fluff | slow burn | unrequited love | friends to lovers (oops) | mutual pining | teenage to adults | idol!nct, idol!reader, teenage to adults (trainee days until today)

words: 5k

side note: as usual, I'll appreciate all your feedback and thoughts!

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 | PART 5 | PART 6 | PART 7

“I think my childhood friend haunts me in my dreams.“ You stared off into the night sky on the balcony in your dorm. The dorm that was new and fresh and oh so comfortable, with air conditioning and what felt impossible at this point - less roommates.

It was just you and one more girl in your room and you couldn’t be any happier, because she did ballet classes as additional education and 3 days a week you had your room all to yourself for additional 3 hours. Since your’s and Yeji’s schedules were literally mirrored by now, you’d often spend those additional free hours on dance- or vocal practicing. It was one of those days and the two of you walked out to breathe in fresh air after sweating yourself on a SHINee choreography. 

“What?“ Yeji chuckled at the statement. It did sound a little funny, you had to admit, you did need to elaborate. 

“Yeah. I get absolutely not related to anything dreams and in those, somehow, there’s the same person, and I don’t even see their face, just like deep down  know who I am looking at.“ Your articulated with your hands. Thinking about those dreams made you feel funny, because they were projecting something you clearly didn’t feel. You couldn’t understand where all those feelings in your dreams came from and you couldn’t describe the feeling with any word but funny. “All those weird things happen in my dream and somehow when I wake up, and maybe while I’m dreaming too, I have this heavy feeling in my chest.“ You physically had to stop because you were starting to feel heavy once again. “Like I’m so deeply in love with them and in that dream world I know as a fact, that we’re attracted to each other and it’s like a crazy rollercoaster for us to be together, and sometimes it’s a happy ending sometimes not really. Sometimes I wake up before I can get to any logical ending.“ 

“Wah. Do you see correlation between dreams and what happened with you and that friend in real life?“ She smiled curiously. 

“No, we don’t even talk anymore, I haven’t heard of that friend or seen them in a long ass while, but I get these dreams literally out of the blue. Even if I’d purposefully think of that person - nothing, and then randomly one day I wake up and realise what just happened. Sometimes I don’t even remember my dream for a half a day and then randomly it hits me. And I get uncomfortable thinking of it.“ You pouted and took a look at Yeji. 

“It sounds a little crazy. I think I read somewhere we can see random people and things in our dreams. Not related to anything. Maybe your case is the dream isn’t related to anything. Or maybe your friend think of you and somehow call for you in dreams?“ She chuckled, trying to sound spooky or whatever.

“Well I feel like I’m being haunted.“ You admitted. You hated waking up everyday and thinking of Jaehyun. 

“Maybe you had those feelings for your friend back when you were friends?“ Feelings? For Jaehyun? Yeah, no. You almost said it out loud how ridicules the thought seemed to you. 

“I don’t think so. I had someone I actually liked-“ wow, this was a dangerous path, you had to be really careful with what you were saying. 

“Then maybe that’s how your friend felt? Was that a boy or a girl? What if that person misses you?“

“To be fair that’s not impossible, we did lose contact in a weird way, but he for sure isn’t thinking of me like that. There has never been even a hint on his side.“ 

“Why does it bother you?“ Yeji faced you properly, curious. You didn’t even know yourself, why it bothered you so much. It just did and you felt like it was safe enough to share those feelings with the girl.

“I don’t like feeling like I’m in love with someone when I’m not.“ 

“It’s just dreams. It’s not like you love each other, especially if you lost contact.“ She shrugged, she wasn’t bothered by what you were feeling and saying. You wished you could relate. 

“Yeah.“

“Just think of how would JYP react if he heard this.“ Yeji giggled, imagining your producers’ reaction. He had a specifically wild reactions to anything relationship related.

“I don’t want to imagine this. He’d most likely disown me in a second.“ 

“He’d literally flip out, and we wouldn’t want that. We both know what your real goal is. Don’t even think about it like that.“

“You’re right.“ You two paused, both in your own world. “Ugh, now whenever I get these dreams I feel like our producer’s going to pop out and scold me.“ You giggled, followed by Yeji. 

“Do you have this friends’ phone number? Maybe you should reach out and ask how he’s doing. Then you’ll understand these dreams are fictional, and could continue on with your life.“ 

“Wah-no, I wouldn’t call him. Nor text or even breathe his way.“ You panicked immediately. 

“Why?“ Well because it’s been a little under a year since your graduation and you haven’t seen him since then. Like, at all, and TV didn’t count. You were just ignoring his endless wish to continue your friendship and it hasn’t been too long since he finally gave in. You wanted Jaehyun to realise you grew apart, you wanted him to realise childhood friends go sometimes and you were two friends that took different paths. End of story. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t want to part ways, it doesn’t matter there was not even a reason for you part ways. You just felt so tired of this constant comparison from Yuta, and even worse in your brain sometimes of your boyfriend and friend. You had to let go of one, to make the other one, and more importantly YOU, make feel better. And you knew, that letting go of your boyfriend wasn’t the right thing to do. 

“We’re not friends anymore. I hate that sort of thing, popping out of nowhere when it’s unneeded.“

-

“Yuta?“ You chirped into the phone excitedly, you just got the news and first thing you did walking out the building - dialled his phone number.

“Yes, love, what’s up?“ He cleared his voice in what seemed to be confusion, like he just woke up or something.

“What date you said you’re going to be in LA?“ You started from afar, clearly excited and clearly having difficulties keeping yourself at bay.

“Ugh, I don’t remember. Wait a minute I’ll check our schedule. Why? Anything happen on those dates?“ you waited patiently for his confirmation, before you could tell him anything. “October 4th to 9th, why?“ Your breath hitched, you were too close to miss out on him. 

“I’m going to LA.“

“Huh?"

“With a few other girls, we’re going there to train for a couple of weeks before returning home for a final debuting decision. We’re coming on 6th. This is our first trip together just you and me kind of chance.“

“Baby, that’s awesome- Your debut-“ Yuta gasped and seemed much more lively than before. It was so sweet, that he was excited for you. 

“No, don’t say anything like about my debut before it’s set. I only care about both of us being in LA at the same time.“

“Okay.“

“I’ll look up things we could do.“

“Okay“

“I love you.“ You whispered under your breath excited. “This is going to be so good.“

“We’re attending some award on 8th and leave early on 9th, but other than that, I’m all yours.“ 

“Just one night?“ You were hoping for more, how did it come short to just one night, you pouted to yourself.

“I’m still excited even for one night. Love you, need to go.“ 

You didn’t just walk back home, you flew on hope and excitement and much more and you were buzzed and you went on with that buzz for the upcoming week, looking up things in LA, marking up places in Notes you could possibly visit, choosing options in case Yuta wouldn’t like your TOP-choice. You couldn’t think of what followed after that trip, you couldn’t think of the final decision on debut. You busied yourself like crazy, because it was pleasures being busy planning your date with Yuta and because it only felt right to focus on this. During practice breaks your brain still wandered to the main issue - it was you and 7 other girls, you all worked hard, you were all honestly worth the debut, but no one gave you even a single hint on the number of people in the final line up. You all just saw those papers saying Q1 2019 debut of a girl group and prayed you were part of it. It was supposed to make you feel better - less pressure to show off you skills, but honestly - everyone were on verge of breaking down.You only held yourself together because you went through this once already. 

You worked hard to erase previous memories, but you were scared. They still called you their backbone, secret weapon, main event and secret trainee, still told you were the centre of the planned group, but you won’t be able to crawl out of one more mental breakdown if things go south, you won’t be able to recover if this ends up as a fail too. 

Finally It came down to the packing day and right after that it finally came to the trip day. You got into the van and off to Incheon. None of you was sure if it was planned or a surprise for everyone - there were a few people with cameras at the Gate 2 entrance. All 8 of you panicked, you didn’t even understand what happened at first, looking around for some celebrity behind you, when the flash started to blind your little group. It took you a little time realising the cameras were pointed at you, you watched Yeji grab onto her face hidden behind the face mask and did the same in panic, lowering your head so the visor of your cap hid your eyes. You were just a bunch of girls that had a very questionable amount of supporters due to pre-debut activities, but mostly it was so low key you couldn’t even imagine someone gathering up to see you at the airport. Or more like, spending money on getting such information. The staffs gestured for you to move quickly and you trailed behind your manager like baby ducklings, finally escaping the following in the boarding area. Despite the shock, it somehow made the mood of everyone so light and positive. Neither of you could believe it was real - that people wanted to see you, you couldn’t stop daydreaming what would it be like leaving for schedules as a group, boarding in business, and not in economy like you had to now. 

You arrived at LAX safely and most importantly - calmly, getting into another van and transferring to what surprised you - a house. You weren’t used to this lifestyle, you all grew up in apartments, staying in a big mansion in the middle of the 2-story America made all of you excited.

“Wait, how many rooms is in this building?“ Lily wondered.

“Definitely more than in our previous dorm.“ Somi laughed and ran through the corridor. 

“Okay, listen up.“ The older manager clapped her hands. “There’s 6 rooms, since we have staffs on this trip, some of you need to stay in a room together.“ You and Yeji immediately grabbed each others hands. “There’s a 3-people room and a 2-people room mostly.“ Your fingers automatically grabbed Ryujin’s shoulder, forcing the girl to stand with you two, poor girl almost tripped over the bag behind her.

“We can share a room.“ Yeji announced what you implied and you nodded your heads in unison, Ryujin happily agreeing.

“Okay, go make yourself at home. Three weeks of hard work are upcoming. We have time to go out to the city today, so be ready to leave at 6.“ 

The three of you trailed off excitedly into your room. 

[17:02] to Yuta<3: <Location shared>

[17:02] to Yuta<3: I’m in the city!!!

[17:02] to Yuta<3: We’re staying in a cool west la house

[17:03] to Yuta<3: Wby?

[17:04] from Yuta<3: Ironically, koreatown

[17:04] to Yuta<3: kkkkkk

[17:05] from Yuta<3: I was thinking if we could see each other tonight?

[17:06] to Yuta<3: How do we make it work? 

[17:07] to Yuta<3: We’re going somewhere for dinner, I don’t think they’ll let me disappear on my own like that. 

[17:10] from Yuta<3: Send me your location when you’ll arrive 

[17:14] from Yuta<3: We’ll see what’s possible

[17:14] from Yuta<3: Love you 

[17:14] to Yuta<3:I love you

Now, despite the jet lag you wanted to look presentable, you wanted to always do your best when it came to Yuta. You quickly unlocked your suitcase, searching for a dress you packed just in case in 10s of training pants and shirts. You took a shower to feel fresh and packed a purse with necessities, earphones, tissues, a mirror, you found your passport, opening it just in case - your eyes darted towards its cover, where you always carried things like sim-cards, tickets, anything, to be fair, that fit. You pulled on a piece of paper and felt a lump in your throat. 

It was you and Jaehyun on your graduation day - his whiskers on display, just like you’d hoped they would. You didn’t need to look at the second piece of paper, it was the second photo of you staring at Jaehyun. You printed those to gift him back at the start of last year, but then everything changed and you just put them away and forgot they existed. You felt a little pinch on your heart and put the photos away back into the passport cover, pulling the one under outside and on top of the other.. You won’t have a chance to give him those anyway. You put your passport in the bag as well and was ready to leave. Finally both Yeji and Ryujin were done and you left the room at 5 minutes to 6, teasing collectively the manager that was late by 2 minutes.

As you promised, the moment you stepped foot in the restaurant, you sent Yuta the location. You were starving, deciding on eating first - walking later. You were just trainees, you didn’t have real money to dine at restaurants, so everything was company paid. You couldn’t stop talking between each other that company paying for a fancy dinner with meat and dessert MUST mean something. It just must. 

You were moving to dessert, when your phone ringed and you felt hot. You were so busy yapping with the girls and eating good food you forgot completely that you sent Yuta the address. 

[19:14] from Yuta<3:Come outside, will you?

Your legs moved faster than your tongue was able to tell everyone you left for the bathroom. You didn’t walk - you sprinted out to the street, your eyes immediately catching Yuta’s faded pinkish hair, you wheezed and a few people turned their heads at the crazy sound you made, taking off in his direction. Your arms immediately weaved around Yuta’s neck, you felt his palms encourage your legs to jump-hug him and you did so just how he wanted it. 

“Yuta.“ you breathed, your mouth clasping onto his before he could even say a word. “I missed you.“

“Hi baby.“ He smiled, satisfied that his surprise worked, that you were happy, that he was seeing you in real flesh. 

“What are you doing here?“ Your feet met with the ground once again, but you couldn’t unglue yourself from Yuta. “Girls and management are all inside. I can’t be here for too long.“

“I know, I just couldn’t go to sleep knowing we’re in the same city and not see you.“ You kissed him once again, immediately inviting his tongue to dance in unison with yours. You didn’t have time and you needed to drink up all of Yuta in this short time. It’s been a little too long since your last hourly motel-date and you needed more of him at all costs. 

“I can’t let go of you now.“ You whined in his mouth. “Can you take me somewhere with only you and me?“ 

“Mmh.“ Yuta’s fingers squeezed your side. “I will, I promise.“ Yuta pressed his body more against yours, you mewled, you didn’t want to move. You loved him so fucking much. “Do you have your phone? Or anything?“ 

“No, why?“ 

“Come inside and bring your things.“

“I can’t leave.“ You protested weakly into his ear. 

“I know, love, but can you?“

“I can’t promise I’ll return because this is going to be suspicious, but okay.“ You nodded and felt Yuta’s lips on yours, before he pushed you back to the restaurants entrance. 

“Baby?“ You turned around at the call “You look fucking beautiful.“ you beamed, biting on your cheeks and lips to calm yourself down before returning to the table.

“Are you okay?“ Yeji asked concerned. 

“Yes, just need my bag, a little something happened.“ You made your eyes wider and giggled and left before more questions could pop out. You quickly returned to the spot where you left Yuta, he smirked teasingly and kissed you once again, like he didn’t see you just a minute ago. 

“Can you give me your passport?“

“Yeah, hold up.“ You chuckled at the question, whatever he needed it for. You found the needed paper and handed it to Yuta. His fingers moved to the cover, looking for something in there.

“Where’s your ID? Isn’t it usually here?“ he chuckled and pulled on the pieces of paper that replaced your ID because you switched them in place just a couple of hours ago on accident.

“On the other side.“ You chuckled, and gestured for him to look on the other side of the cover. Yuta let go of the papers and moved his attention and you didn’t even realise before that you were holding your breath. You watched Yuta fish his phone out and take a pic of it. “Why?“ you smiled confused.

“Will tell you later.“ Yuta beamed, you wanted to kiss him, but your phone rang and you moved your attention to the screen.

“Hi, dad!“ You exclaimed excitedly and turned away from Yuta still holding on to your passport. If you turned back around just a moment earlier, you would’ve caught a glance of him pushing back the photos into the cover. “Yes, we’re in LA already. I forgot to call you, I’m sorry, we’re in the city having a dinner. I’ll send you pics.“ You smiled at your dad’s reply. Yuta smiled in return as he watched you speak, closing the distance, Yuta returned your passport to you, mouthing ‘I have to go’ and kissing your cheek before you could protest. He walked off so quickly and your dad called for you on the line and you could only focus on one thing so you just continued the conversation. “No, dad, it’s fine. The dinner is on company, I don’t need money.“ You smiled into the phone. 

“Y/n, is everything okay?“ You heard the manager’s voice behind you, jumping in place.

“Dad, wait. Ugh, yeah, my father called, I came outside to hear him better, I’m sorry.“ It was SO on time that Yuta left, you wanted to give a big breath out but couldn’t give yourself away.

“Okay, but dessert is served, come back quickly.“

“Sure.“ You nodded and finished the conversation with your dad.

-

[19:14] from Jeong Jaehyun: hi, boo

[19:14] from Jeong Jaehyun: I heard you are in LA too

[19:14] from Jeong Jaehyun: First of all, I’m so happy for you and this opportunity

[19:15] from Jeong Jaehyun: Second… I was just hoping you’d want to see me? I miss you a lot. 

Hundreds of electric shock waves ran through your body, you couldn’t even hear Somi calling for you to complete the formation. 

“Y/n?“ Yeji was able to bring you back to life, and you looked at her like dear in headlights. “Everything’s good?“

“Ah, yes, yes.“ You jumped up from the floor, dropping the phone back on the floor and focused yourself on the dance. You didn’t think you could do the new steps so clearly, your body moving like you had all the energy in the world, all thanks to Jaehyun. 

“Good, Y/n! Such clean steps!“ The choreographer exclaimed proudly as you did your centre part neatly. The music stopped and you had no escape to not reply to Jaehyun. It was always like this pangs of conscience hitting you hard if you didn’t immediately reply to him, and it was a whole damn asphyxiation of conscience when you didn’t reply of him at all. 

“Thank you.“ You bowed, smiled and clapped with the rest of the girl, sitting down right next to your phone

[19:55] from Jeong Jaehyun: Please at least let me know what I did wrong

[19:55] from Jeong Jaehyun: I feel so bad even though I don’t know what’s wrong

[19:55] to Jeong Jaehyun: Hi, Jaehyun

[19:55] to Jeong Jaehyun: I am in LA, I could only wonder who you could’ve heard this from ;)

[19:56] to Jeong Jaehyun: I heard from the same source that ya’ll are busy up to the day you’re leaving, so I’m not sure its possible

 [19:57] from Jeong Jaehyun: hi

[19:57] from Jeong Jaehyun: I’m free tonight, or after the award, or before we fly back home

[19:58] to Jeong Jaehyun: Well, I’m busy tonight, maybe tomorrow, I’m not sure

[19:58] to Jeong Jaehyun: I could tell you later

You really wanted to type him a no, but somehow your fingers weren’t moving in the needed direction of the letters, so you ended up with giving him hope.

[19:59] from Jeong Jaehyun: Busy with Yuta, right?

[19:59] to Jeong Jaehyun: Yes, why?

[20:00] from Jeong Jaehyun: He said he’s got a terrible headache and won’t be able to see you tonight, that’s why he told me you’re in LA

[20:00] from Jeong Jaehyun: So we’d keep each other company

You didn’t even bother to reply to Jaehyun, you didn’t bother to walk out the dance class, you dialled Yuta’s phone immediately, somehow being met with a turned off phone.

[20:01] to Jeong Jaehyun: Can you ask him to call me? He didn’t say anything about it

[20:01] to Jeong Jaehyun: His phone is off 

[20:01] from Jeong Jaehyun: He told me he’s going to just sleep

[20:02] from Jeong Jaehyun: He felt very sick earlier

[20:02] from Jeong Jaehyun: Maybe food poisoning 

[20:03] to Jeong Jaehyun: Are you pranking me?

[20:04] from Jeong Jaehyun: No, I’m honest

[20:04] from Jeong Jaehyun: He didn’t feel good since the morning and then just told me about you and got to his room to sleep

You dialled his phone once again, to no avail, messages, obviously didn’t come through. You felt so heartbroken, tricked maybe, just hurt. You were going though multiple things in your head at once. He didn’t even text you he felt sick, it wasn’t that difficult to type I’m sick, or anything else. He had enough strength to talk to Jaehyun anyway. You needed to hear this from Yuta.

You had a perfectly planned escape - Yeji would cover for you in case anything happens, bless her heart she didn’t even ask where you wanted to go and why. You had another 30 minutes to come back home, wash up and bring yourself to the designated place. Yuta had up his sleeve a whole day of being sick and didn’t message you even once. 

[20:05] to Jeong Jaehyun: okay

[20:05] from Jeong Jaehyun: okay let’s see each other or okay about Yuta?

[20:05] to Jeong Jaehyun: everything

[20:05] to Jeong Jaehyun: we’re in west LA, if you want to, come here.

[20:06] from Jeong Jaehyun: Just tell me what time

You looked at the clock again: 8pm, it would be not earlier than 9 when you’d be able to see him. 

[20:08] to Jeong Jaehyun: no actually

[20:08] to Jeong Jaehyun: A few of my friends & I really wanted to see the ocean so I think we’re going there

[20:08] to Jeong Jaehyun: You could come to Santa Monica

[20:08] to Jeong Jaehyun: I think it’s better you come with someone

[20:09] from Jeong Jaehyun: what time?

You felt so uneasy, why was he agreeing to everything. If you’d tell him you were in San Diego, would he just asked you for the time too? You wanted to make it late so he’d back off. You were so upset about Yuta, you couldn’t even bother to care about Jaehyun’s suggestions or questions. 

[20:09] to Jeong Jaehyun: 10 pm central entrance to the beach

[20:10] to Jeong Jaehyun: c ya

"Who you’re texting with that face expression?" Yeji giggled and bumped shoulders with you.

“What face?" Annoyed, angry, mad?

“I don’t know, just full of emotions.“ she smiled. You watched people walk around the room, in a formation that didn’t include neither Yeji or you, when the music blasted in your ears, you answered.

“Remember I was under SM for a little while?“

“Of course, few years, not a little while.“

“Yeah, like that. Well, somehow, some of the people I’ve trained with are in LA too.“

“Okay?“

“They’re asking to see me, I said me and my friends wanted to go to Santa Monica, so they’re coming to Santa Monica around 10 pm, so we have to be there around 10 pm.“ Yeji exclaimed excited. “Yeah, but how are we going to go this late somewhere alone.“

“I’ll just ask.“ Yeji shrugged and got up quickly to your manager, you really wanted to stop her before she could start talking, but she batted her eyelashes and in a moment you saw the manager give her a nod and Yeji happily ran back to you. “It’s fine.“

“H-how?“

“She said it’s near our stay and we’re adults, just to come back so we’re okay for tomorrows practice.“

“Crazy.“ You opened your mouth.

You stood next to the stairs that would take you to the beach, arriving a little earlier than planned. The three of you felt a little uncomfortable as a homeless man walked across the street and gave you looks you couldn’t distinguish. You invited Ryujin too, because leaving her in the room alone felt like crime.

“Oh, by the way.“ You cleared your voice and the homeless man stared at you with wide eyes, probably confused with the language you spoke. “I didn’t specify the friends that are coming.“

“Yeah, is it some girls that didn’t debut yet? Or is it Red Velvet?“ Yeji exclaimed excited at the thought.

“Ugh, no.“ you giggled. “Have you heard of NCT?“

“NCT?“ Ryujin repeated louder than you said it.

“Yeah, the friend that reached is an NCT member. I don’t know who he’ll bring with him, but please don’t flip out or anything. I promise you they’re all losers and being active idols isn’t making them any special.“

“What’s up, ladies?“ Johnny said loudly in English as he and the boys turned the corner that took to you. 

“Oh my god.“ both Yeji and Ryujin gasped. You almost did too, Jaehyun brought Johnny and Haechan, they were getting closer to you, walking in age order. Jaehyun, wow, you had to look away because you kind of was staring at your best friend and it wasn’t a good thing. 

“Hi.“ You smiled “This is Yeji and Ryujin, we’re training together. This is Hyuck, Johnny and Jaehyun.“

“We know.“ Both girls smiled like fools and you really regretted bringing anyone but yourself.

“Hi, nice to meet you.“ Jaehyun beamed politely, his dimples popping out and face turning into that soft grin as his eyes focused on you. “Hi, boo.“ He said loud enough for everyone to hear and make you a little embarrassed, only to make your face bright red colour when he decided to lean in and hug you, not forgetting to comment on your appearance. “You look very pretty, just as usual.“ His fingers patted your upper back and you lost balance. 

“Ah! Five seconds in and they’re already on their soulmate shit!“ Haechan exclaimed loudly and gestured for everyone to walk away. Surprisingly they did just that and Jaehyun let go of you a moment later. 

“Y/n never mentioned before she was this close to NCT!“ Ryujin pointed her hand towards Jaehyun, as they were darting away from you 

“We’re not that close.“ You denied, obviously, hoping they’re still able to hear you.

“Yeah, sure. You’re only didn’t come out from the same womb. As for everything else-“ Haechan teased back, obviously, it wasn’t his style to agree to anything anybody said.

“You don’t look like a baby anymore.“ Jaehyun smiled, taking your attention and not letting you hear what Haechan had to say. 

“And you still do.“ You cracked a smile, making Jaehyun giggle. “Is Yuta okay? He still haven’t messaged me.“ your main concern was still pretty clear, you were confused as hell with the way your boyfriend vanished. It was supposed to be you and him, not you, Jaehyun and other 4 people.

“He’s probably still sleeping.“

“Okay.“ You tried to hold back from looking down and giving away that you were upset but clearly failed, because Jaehyun’s fingers gripped onto yours in support. It felt so unusual, his warm long fingers on yours, a gesture that was with you all along your friendship. You’d grip onto each others fingers when you were upset, excited, happy, you used to just squeez his digits between yours and everything felt better. But now the heat that he was exceeding surprised you, its like you never experienced it in that way. 

“Boo, I’m so sorry, I know I wasn’t exactly who you wanted to see tonight.“ Jaehyun wasn’t a fool, it was clear he knew who this evening was booked for prior to him. 

“Don’t be ridiculous.“ You had to wave him off. Admitting he was right probably was too cruel even for someone that tried to make their friend dislike them. You wanted him to no t be interested in being your friend, not hate your guts. “I’m so happy to see you, I wish sometimes we still had each other like we used to.“ You admitted stupidly on a first breath, and wrapped your hands around his waist for a real hug, tucking your face in his chest. Jaehyun wrapped both your shoulders in his usual manner, patting your head lovingly. 

“Well, you failed to push me away. I’m still here and only one call away, always. Like I promised you on your last day at SM.“

“That I really hate you for.“ You murmured more to yourself, then him, hoping he wasn’t able to hear you. 

“Will you two move, or you’re having a date now?“ Johnny shouted teasingly from a far. Only now did you noticed the two of you two really lagged behind. 

You parted from Jaehyun, taking the stairs to catch up with the rest of the people, Jaehyun trailing behind you, his fingers wrapping around yours in uncanny manner, like he needed to hold on to you to keep up with your pace and you let him. 

-

I'm so excited for next Monday's chapter !!! ☺️

[jackdaniel69nice]

More tokoyami bird mutation traits because he deserves it.

Birds have the ability to sense the electromagnetic poles surroundings the earth and they use it to know where they’re going. The most common instances of this are a pigeons “homing” instinct and migratory birds knowing what direction to go in when they well…migrate. Tokoyami (and hawks) has this and it’s immensely useful when flying through the city, he never gets lost.

unihemispheric slow-wave sleep is the ability to turn off half your brain and allow it to sleep while the other half remains alert. Birds can use this to keep an eye out for predators or stay in flight while migrating. Tokoyami is the master of sleeping during class (joking). Seriously Tokoyami’s brain is already weird enough having to share his head space with dark shadow and apparently he can, in theory, just turn off half his brain. This would be immensely useful for patrols and stake out missions. He probably also uses it to keep an eye on dark shadow at night if he has a feeling they are going to be rambunctious. Also bird don’t always sleep like this, they are perfectly capable of full sleep as well so don’t worry toko only uses this when necessary.

The metabolism of a bird is insanely fast in order for them to keep up the energy needed for flight. Hawks has the fastest metabolism which is why he’s always eating during patrols. Toko still has a fast metabolism and needs to eat much more than someone his size would normally consume. There is argument that dark shadow could be stealing some of his energy but it’s negligible. Toko is very thin, like momo he can never seem to put on weight, he is also very small which could be a mix of genetics and not getting enough nutrition growing up. I’m saying his genetics play a role because even without wings birds need to be lighter for easier flight so most avians are on the smaller side coughhawkscough

Tokoyami can do bird calls, or at least he used to be cable to. This hc gets a little specific but because of how embarrassed he is about his bird traits I feel like he was taught by people to suppress them (like he was taught to suppress his emotions). He was probably put through speech therapy as a child or even the MHA version of ABA therapy (because I am autistic and love using metaphors, like certain quirks being a metaphor for mental illnesses). Either way his unique baritone is actually unnatural to him and even harmful to his vocal cords, he gets sore throats and can’t yell or talk for to long before it hurts and he gets laryngitis. He knows sign language for this reason as well. Anyhow now that he’s in a supportive and loving environment he might be able to relearn these skills for mental health reasons and use his voice for practical purposes. Dark shadow was never directly forced to stop chirping which is why their voice is more squawky. They can imitate sounds very well from whistles, alarms, and instruments to peoples voices. They also know how to “throw” their voice so they can use it to confuse their prey the enemy. Tokoyami might learn how to do this too one day. Yes tokoyami can sing and while he sounds amazing he hates doing it.

(Sorry about the angst but quite frankly it’s overdue, tokoyami is an edge lord after all)

[bootsandsugarr]

Song of the day☾

Today, I was going to pick lonely people - America. HOWEVER, I've been picking too many sad songs. So, the song for today is featuring banjo, mostly just because i want a banjo soooooo bad. I'm wondering if that should be my birthday gift for myself. I want one so bad you don't even understand how bad. I will treat that thing like my baby if I get one.

I've also been getting back into history which makes me happy. History has always been one of the things I've obsessed over growing up. Right now I'm taking a women's U.S. history class, so you can imagine how happy I am to do the homework for that. It is so captivating! and obviously so relevant to my life, as a woman that is living in the U.S. lol. I've been learning so much about the women that came before me, in and out of class. It makes me feel so much more connected to my femininity and what exactly that means to me. I don't think I'm very vocal about being bi but it's definitely a big part of my identity. I wish I felt more freedom to explore that, but I think a part of that being undeveloped is my warped view of what being sapphic looks like. I was watching a video essay about Jane Addams, her queerness, and long term relationship with Mary Rozet Smith. People debated the validity of their love because it was speculated that they weren't sexually active with each other. This! is what I'm saying, wlw relationships are so sexualized(news to no one). Which I think bleeds into my own perception of the validity of my sexuality. Honestly even hetero relationships have such weird ideas about sexual activity. I'll cut myself off but I have A LOT to say about this.

Kinda related because woman, my mood swings have been off the charts, thank you womanhood.👎 Womanhood + the stress of having a birthday. Cant wait for my birthday to just happen so I can focus of other things that stress me out.

Today feels like it didn't happen, time flies when youre doing nothing! Woke up, balled out on a sims house I'm making with my sister, went to work, came home, did some homework, now I'm here. The power was out all day today because of maintenance being done on the lines outside the house.

I know I started by saying I didn't want to focus on the sad but the song's lyrics are another reason why it's song of the day. Not that the lyrics are sad, not even to say that today was necessarily negative, just a lot of introspection..

[blackgumball]

okay weird pull but you know how people say that taylor swift is so popular because her work is so bland. she’s uninterested in making any sort of statement or breaking any sort of mould, so her work is so palatable and widely relatable that it becomes so popular among so many people? (real quick psa im a tswift hater so i dont listen to her music, this is a recycled opinion from a more educated hater than me)

i am beginning to feel a similar way about bridgerton. its premise relies on the idea of a diverse regency england, but it becomes clearer and clearer to me every day that the show is meant for white people. all the bridgertons are white, so every love story will either be swirl or just a white relationship (shoutout to polin ig). not saying that poc dont enjoy the show (we obviously do) but there’s this vocal white audience that keeps harassing actors of colour whenever a decision is made that they dont like. or that strays from the books (which is soooo insane literally the moment they cast rege jean page your dumb cracker asses shouldve realised that the show wasnt gonna care about being book accurate ESPECIALLY since julia quinn basically said out loud that every character in her books would be racist.)

and the show Clearly isn’t interested in pushing any boundaries. look at fucking cressida cowper. given, i have no idea whether her character is going to return to the show, but the way they handled her was so muddled and fucked up that i wondered why they even bothered? they bring her in, humanise her, and then cart her off with this terrible fate. why? if anything, it made eloise and colin far less likeable (eloise, because it seemed like she didnt care about the fate of the only person who treated her with respect after she was “ruined”, and colin, because it made him seem shortsighted, naïve, self centred, and pitifully stupid). i complain because i think eloise is right. the women in this period were stifled. they were not able to study as extensively as their brothers, not able to travel by themselves, kept from sex education into their adulthood, and married off to random men (sometimes against their will, as it was for danbury, charlotte, almost cressida, and arguably daphne). you set such a sexual show in a deeply unsexy time. there’s romance in cressida escaping, being cunning and able to run. it also would’ve made the show more DRAMATIC. it straight up doesnt make sense for cressida to learn whistledown’s identity and not go immediately to the queen. why not have her escape, and let the bridgertons deal with the consequences? i don’t know. they seemed to take the stupid way out.

and then there’s the lower classes, who we rarely see outside of the women bridgerton men fuck with no/low commitment, paperboys, and printers. i’ve said before how i think it’s hideous that the lives of these women aren’t explored outside of their role as sex objects. season one at least explored the tension between anthony and sienna, who he loved but couldn’t commit to (im very glad she got out of there. im glad she respected herself enough to cut ties w him). also in season one, we see how the servants of the bridgerton house played a role in saving daphne from marrying that gross dude, but it feels like that role has vanished from subsequent seasons. maybe they know that seeing how none of the lords and ladies and other rich pricks of mayfair can’t fend for themselves is a turn off for the modern person (remember when anthony and daphne couldn’t use a stove in s1? i got the ick bad). but by ignoring this massive demographic, the show proves its disinterest in exploring the pitfalls and prejudices of the society it is set in.

its a show where women who want to escape their circumstances are villainised for their attempts and where the lives of the poor are either ignored or used to threaten the privileged. you occasionally have a sienna or a theo, but through knowing them, we are never left with the sense that society should change. they may try that next season. i know benedict is supposed to fall in love with A Poor.

i want the show to be good. i want the show to be interesting. i want all the fans who think that it can’t be good unless it’s explicitly relatable to straight white women to get over themselves (or at least go back to tswift and tsitp). i want to watch the show and not feel as though all the female characters are trapped. i want to LIKE ELOISE. some things i dislike about the show are impossible to change, but i guess i just have to hope it can be better. actually start pushing against the constraints of the genre, why not? you’re already one of the most popular shows on TV, you can risk making good television.

[tooti-fruiti]

PLAYING WITH YOUR HEART (CHAPTER ONE)

Walk like an Egyptian

"Singing? Really?! I thought Chris was joking about that." Gwen said as you all walked inside the plane.

"Well I don't have a problem with it." Courtney said.

"Yeah, cause you LIKE singing!" Leshawna said.

"Well I don't!" Duncan said. "Girls sing, little birdies sing, Duncan's do not sing!"

"I'm with you Courtney, I don't have a problem with it either." You said.

"See?!"

"Think I'll get to beat box?" Harold asked.

"I'll beat you if you try." Duncan glared at him.

"Why are you doing this to us?!" Heather demanded.

Chris chuckled. "Singing reality shows are HUGE! AND, the worse the singing: the higher the ratings! Which is why on this show, there will be no vocal coaches, or rehearsals, or warnings!"

Almost everyone started complaining.

"Anywho, this is the dining area. Where you'll enjoy in flight meals."

"Not for long, ay? Prepare to lose to the Zeke!"

"Okay, so not trying to be mean here, but you do know you got voted out first last time, right?" Gwen asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Word. I spent every minute since making sure that don't happen again. I'm stronger, faster, smarter-"

"Chattier, blabbier, can't shut up-ier. Now zip it and let me finish the tour so we can get this bird in flight!"

"Is there a ladies room?" Leshawna asked.

"Just through there."

"Good, cause I need to make a deposit." She said as she walked towards the bathroom.

"Anyway." Chris said. "Let's carry on with the tour!"

Leshawna walked out of the bathroom annoyed and Chris smiled. "Follow me!"

He then lead all of you to a room with benches. "Here, losing teams will enjoy the luxury of the economy class between destinations."

"Okay, but where are our beds?" Lindsay asked.

"Owen? Care to demonstrate?" Chris asked as he turned to Owen, who was strapped to the wall asleep.

"That does NOT look comfortable." Heather said.

"No comfort for losers! Safety harnesses and an emergency exit, but no comfort here or here." Chris said pointing around the room.

Sierra started to laugh. "OMG Chris, I am just LOL!"

"Okay...she's a little weird." You whispered and Noah nodded.

"We should hit the winner's compartment, ay? Cause I ain't NEVER gonna sit back here!"

"Is never your policy on mouthwash too, homeschool?" Noah said.

"You wanna see the winner's compartment huh? Well right this way, ladies and gentlemen."

Chris led you all to much nicer room with yellow chairs and a rug.

"This is the first class cabin! The domain of each week's winners."

You sat down in one of the seats and sighed. "Oh wow, these are nice..." You smiled and leaned back.

"So nice..." Courtney said.

"And that's pretty much it." Chris said. "Let's go back to the dining cabin and I'll explain how this season is going to work."

Once you all made it back to the dining cabin, you all sat down.

Then the plane started moving and Bridgette fell into Alejandro's lap.

"Senorita, are you alright?" He asked.

"Is the earth moving?"

"Nope! We are!" Izzy cheered.

You smiled and clapped your hands together. "This is a little exciting, an all around the world tour! Sure, we have to do challenges and shit, but we still get to see beautiful places!"

"Well, when you look at it like that, I guess it is a little exciting." Bridgette said as she got out of Alejandro's lap.

"One more thing!" Chris said.

"I'm sure you all remember a little thing called the "elimination ceremony". Takes place just over here." Chris said as he pointed to a room.

You all went inside and Chris started explaining how the elimination ceremony would work.

"If you don't receive a barf bag full of peanuts-"

"I got a peanut allergy, yo! Er- more like a sensitivity?" Ezekiel said, cutting off Chris.

"You'll be forced to take the drop of shame."

"Okay, I just don't like-"

"Kind of like this!" Chris said, tossing Ezekiel out of the plane.

Chris chuckled and closed the door. "Glad that's over with. Now! Enjoy your flight everyone!"

Chris walked away and you all walked back into the dining cabin.

"Every second we go closer to adventure, and further...from mama..." DJ said sadly.

"Mama?" You asked.

"Oh yeah." Leshawna said. "Big ol' DJ here's a real mama's boy."

"Oh, gotcha." You said.

"Cody Emmett James Anderson. I also happen to know your birthday is on April first! You're my very own April fool." Sierra said.

"Okay, that's creepy." You said.

"Very." Courtney nodded.

Suddenly, a little bell rang and Chris showed up under a spotlight wearing a suit.

"Whenever you hear that little bell, it's musical number time! So! Let's hear it!"

You all looked around confused.

"But, what are we supposed to sing?" Courtney asked.

"You have to make it up as you go. Wouldn't be challenging otherwise, now would it?"

You all sighed and Courtney began to sing.

•

After Duncan finally decided to sing, the song ended.

Chris was reading a newspaper and the P.A. system turned on.

"Enough singing, fruitcakes! Strap yourselves in!" Chef Hatchet said. "We are now beginning our desent into Egypt!...Musical numbers, worst idea ever. Chris is such an idiot."

Chris gasped.

"Hey, why's the P.A. light still on?...oh shit..."

Then Chef turned the P.A. system off and Chris frowned. "I'll be right back."

You all started to giggle as he left.

•

You all got off the plane when it landed in Egypt and looked around.

Then Chris was carried towards you on a tombstone and he wore an Egyptian costume.

"You guys ready to have some fun? Huh?"

He took a sip of his drink and smiles. "Wow, it's a scorcher out here, huh?"

Then he tossed his drink away. "I call today's challenge: 'Pyramid Over Under'!"

"An eleven hour flight, Chef's in-flight cuisine, a forced musical number, and NOW we have a challenge?!" Leshawna yelled.

"Don't you just love this game?" Chris smiled.

After Chris showed to you the starting point for the challenge, Harold wiped his forehead and groaned.

"It's like being cooked in a giant oven..."

"It might help if you weren't dressed like a giant baked potato." Leshawna crossed her arms.

"Aluminum foil means the aliens can't read your brains, it's a real problem in this area."

Suddenly, Chris hit two symbols together and everyone flinched.

"Man! That's satisfying! Alright! Pyramid Over Under means you can choose to go over or under the pyramid to get to the finish line. Got it?"

Everyone nodded.

"Ready, set, g-"

"Wait up!" Ezekiel yelled.

You all turned around surprised.

Ezekiel was left behind in Canada.

"I told you I wasn't gonna lose this time, ay?!"

"Didn't we leave you in Halifax, or White Horse, or...whatever?" Chris groaned.

"It's called landing gear, homie! I climbed it, and hid in the cargo hold!"

"Impressive!...You're still out."

"No way! I'm in it to win it!"

Chris rolled his eyes. "Hey, it's your funeral."

"Set, Go!" Chris yelled before crashing the symbols again.

You all started running and you decided to go over the Pyramid.

As you were climbing up, Alejandro hopped up to the stone you were on and knelt down to your height.

"Need any help, Senorita?"

You pushed yourself up onto the rock and groaned. "No, I'm good, thanks."

•

Video Diary-Number 1-(Y/n)

"While having an alliance would be beneficial, I don't know anyone that well.

I mean, sure, I watched the previous seasons. But those were a year ago. People change.

And I'm not going to assume anything about anyone. Plus, with the other two new people, it's best that I play this safe for now.

So I'm going to keep to myself for a few days before I decide who to make an alliance with."

•

Alejandro shrugged and turned before hopping off the rock.

As you kept climbing you saw Gwen and Courtney fighting with Duncan in between.

He looked absolutely miserable.

Then you saw Alejandro carrying Bridgette and Lindsay on his shoulders.

"Show off..." You mumbled.

Then you saw Tyler fall all the way down the Pyramid.

You winced. "Tyler! You okay?!"

He raised his hand and gave you a thumbs up so you kept climbing.

As you reached the top, you could hear Courtney and Gwen arguing.

"Okay that's it! We need to untie!"

"No way! That's dangerous!"

"I don't care if it's dangerous! I'm sick of your shit and I need to get away from you!"

You tried to crawl around them but you lost your footing and ended up sliding down the pyramid.

You screamed as you slid down before getting a face full of sand.

"Oh, and you get her too." Chris said.

Alejandro mumbled something before helping you out of the sand.

"That was quite the fall, are you alright?" He asked.

You groaned and shook the sand out of your hair.

"Yeah...I'm fine."

Heather, Sierra, and Cody ran out from under the pyramid as Alejandro moved to you where the rest of your team was standing.

"We did it! Group hug!" Sierra cheered as she squeezed Cody. "C'mon Heath, you too!"

Heather walked over and hugged Sierra looking really uncomfortable.

"Aaand hug's over." Chris said. "Sierra, go stand with Alejandro and (Y/n). Heather and Cody, go stand behind number three."

"In Egyptian, it's-"

"No one cares Harold." Chris glared at him.

"Where's Gwen?" Cody asked. "N-Not that I care or anything, just curious."

Chris looked at the top of the pyramid and saw Courtney and Gwen still arguing at the top.

He grabbed a megaphone and played the bell sound.

"Ohhh kiiiiids!" He called out. "Recognize that sound? Time for whoever's not finished to yet to give us a musical reprise!"

"You said one song per episode!" Duncan yelled.

"Yeah! And this a reprise, not a new song! So if you don't sing, you're out! Now let's hear it!"

"You know what?! No!"

Duncan jumped down the mountain still attached to Gwen and Courtney. "No! No! No! No! No!"

"Three hours of these two bitching on the top of this goddamn pyramid, in the stupid ass heat, and you want me to fucking sing?! FORGET IT!"

"Dude, you have a contract-"

"SUCK MY DICK, MCCLAIN! If you need me, I'll be in the plane waiting for a ride home because I'm out, done. I. FUCKING. QUIT!"

Duncan then cut the rope he was attached to and stormed off.

"Well damn, okay then." You said.

Cody helped Gwen stand up as Izzy ran out of the pyramid carrying a body.

"IZZY NO!" Owen yelled.

"YOU'RE CARRYING THE UNDEAD!"

"Cool!" She said as she turned to the body. "Bite me and I'll be your undead friend like Frankenstein!"

The body jumped out of her arms and ripped off it's bandages, revealing to be Ezekiel.

"Thanks for all the help, you knobs!" He groaned.

Chris glared at Ezekiel before smiling at Izzy.

"Izzy, go stand behind-"

"talata. Or three." Harold said, which made Chris groan.

"Come on guy!" Ezekiel said as Izzy joined team three. "After all this, you gotta let me back in the game!"

Chris sighed. "Alright! Fine! Go join team one."

"Wait!" Heather said. "We're down a player!"

"You can thank Duncan Mcquitty Pants for that."

"Now! Teams, talk amongst yourselves amd come up with a team name. You have three minutes!"

"Team Victory!" Team One shouted.

"Team Amazon!" Team Three shouted.

Meanwhile, your team was still struggling to come up with a name.

"Oh! Got it!" Sierra said. "Team Chris is really really really really hot!"

"What?"

"Best team name ever! Alright, and here are your rewards!"

"Team Amazon, you get a camel! Team Chris is really really really really really hot,"

"I think there were only four reallys." Alejandro said.

"You guys get a goat! And team Victory, here ya go." Chris said as he gave everyone their rewards.

"So the guys who come in last get a camel, they get a goat, and we get a stick?!" Leshawna yelled.

"All will be explained."

Chris smiled. "If I feel like it."

[Hope you enjoyed. Stay tuned for more and have a good day]

<-Prologue

Chapter Two->

[smytherines]

can you sing?????? sorry this is really out of pocket and i mightve hallucinated this but i swear to god u said u did a drama program that did a musical every year and now i need to know if you're a triple threat (writer artist and singer)

I don't sing as well as I used to, I'm badly out of practice for anything other than karaoke, but yes I can sing!

I did a community theatre program in my area from ages 8 to 18, and it saved my life. It was split into a company for kids, and one for teens. So until 13 I did two shows and (sometimes) one musical per year, and then from 13 on we would do two shows per year, one musical, and then we would work tech for the two kids company shows. We also had two semesters of acting classes, one in the fall and one in the spring.

So I've done pretty much everything but spotlight (you could not pay me enough, spot operators are heroes). I've been a stage manager, prop master, I particularly loved doing sound because they let us make our own preshow mixes and I'd put way too much effort into mine. We were just a little community theatre, so we didn't do big name expensive license shows, but I played the Tin Man in Oz! And had to sing an incredibly weird song that starts with the line come on and lubricate my mouth (I swear to god I am not making that up). Actually kind of a banger though, and I got to sing at the low end of my range for once.

We had a professional vocal coach at the theatre program, but also my mother took vocal lessons for years and was a singer in a local band for about a decade, so I had a lot of help developing my voice early on. When I auditioned for the school choir the director told me he could really put me anywhere and I'd do well, but he only had 8 altos so that's where I went.

My biggest non-musical role was playing Jo March in Little Women, where I was onstage for 120 pages out of a 126 page script. I am very much a Jo March, like to the point where everyone just took it as a given I would get the role before auditions even happened, even though I was not usually cast as the heroine. I almost always got cast as a villain or the most over the top energetic characters, like I played Ms. Minchin in A Little Princess, most of the eccentric bit parts in The Man Who Came to Dinner (Banjo, Grand Duchess Olga Katrina, more I can't remember)

Sorry I'm babbling so much!! I don't get to talk about my theatre days very often, so I get excited! But that's why I love analysizing character and acting choices so much. I used to fill notebooks with lore about the characters I played. There's just something very interesting to me about using all these little... data points (?) to build a person. Like- if I was experiencing this emotion, how would my eyebrow move? What would my lips be doing, what would my hands be doing, how would that emotion affect my voice and body language. It's something I do all the time as an autistic person anyways, so acting almost felt like research to me.

Okay I'll shut up now, sorry I did an essay!!

[definitelydissociative]

Being in college has been a very strange experience for us so far--and I use "us" here because it's not just the school parts who are having a strange time. I'm absolutely not a school part, previous to returning from dormancy two years ago, I was only ever here to soak up the night time abuse. Now, somehow, I'm sitting here on a day off (it's reading week, thank god) and I'm typing this post to avoid doing homework. I somehow ended up roped into this whole mess, despite having been very, very vocally against attempting school again. I don't know how I feel about it now.

Initially, it seemed like it was all going to be one single part who handled our courses during the day and dealt with homework. Callie (the main school part) did it all on their own for the first few weeks, but I think they reached a point where she had a massive stress induced meltdown and has refused to touch homework since. Now it's just Callie who goes on campus, but there's a whole bunch of us who are contributing academically and in terms of support. There's a part who does all of our timed touch typing and typing drills. Phoenix gets us all ready to go in the morning. Luca is, apparently, the "bus guy" because nobody else can handle the stress of taking public transit here after being sexually harassed literally the first day we took the bus. I don't doubt there's more that I'm not aware of yet. Whoever is around contributes to homework, usually myself (Adam) or Jack. I'm working on a project for our graphic design-esque class, which is a brochure that's due tomorrow afternoon. Over the last week, I think it's passed between at least three of us, maybe four. It's incredibly strange to open up Canva and realize I have zero memory of what had been done by another part.

It's hard to deny the depth of our amnesia at this point. Memory sharing is weird, particularly between Jack and Callie, but most days when we get home from school and switch to home parts, nobody remembers that we'd had classes at all. Sometimes memories will be shared after the fact, though not always. It makes homework incredibly frustrating and difficult to keep track of--I've never had to be so rigorously organized before. It's just really, really fucking hard to sit down to work on an assignment and realize that I don't remember any of the lecture relevant to my assignments. It's exhausting, most of our extended homework sessions (some days I work six hours straight after school) are made so long because it takes up lots of time to track down the information we need.

Don't even get me started on dealing with trauma. It's a whole thing that needs its own post, but the short story is that we've been in deep, deep denial since disclosing to my mother went so badly last February. It's a huge part of why this blog was abandoned, actually. It's been a work in progress but that denial is finally fading and we're being forced to face the truth. The truth is just... unpredictable. It would be nice to keep, at the very least, the CSA flashbacks and triggers to at home, but it hasn't been working like that. I don't know enough about Callie's experiences to say what that's been like for her, but I am aware that it's been really distressing when she has her own school related trauma to deal with.

Anyways. I wrote this as a way to stall doing homework, but I should probably stop stalling and get the stupid thing done and over with. It's worth 20% of our final mark and I certainly don't want to get blamed for a shit mark because I refused to pitch in and be a team player.

I hate having to share my life sometimes. I just want to do my own thing, separate from the other chucklefucks and their bullshit.

[kusundei]

food for thought. because everytime it is mentioned i think abt how similar we r and im like. well if he can do it so can i right. but my whole thing js judt that i am so??? awkward? i will never let myself stand out rven though i am very well aware i could. am i smarter than most people? maybe. do i connect with everyone and am i friendly and empathize deeply and am i a listener? maybe. do i have good leadership abilities and can i do all of those things? maybe. but again the big difference is that he is brave and i am NOT. and just in general with everyone. but then again that leads bsck into that weird self loathing. i dont let myself stand out. 1 - because thats embarrassing and i dont want to be perceived all the time , 2 - im afraid of messing up, 3 - i have anxiety and i am incredibly awkward lets not forget abt that (i can fight it well though if i tried) and 4 - i dont want people to remember me. and moreso other people deserve that alot more than i do hut then AGAIN. evil and bad.

idk its just like yes i stand out in small parties. people recognize me and know that i am entirely capable when i know everyone else as well. i dont like standing out in crowds though but im well aware i have a lot of friends and slash acquaintances that would most likely agree w me but also no. jell no i dont like saying that. i enjoy being recognized for my work but if someone else wants to take the credit it doesnt bother me. reminds me of like ap psych with trhe whole data thing. yeah i remembered it all but i dont want everyone to pay attention to that. i get staff of the month repeatedly and i am constantly praised at work but i dont like acknowledging it because thats so scary. ive had so many opportunities where i could have stood out . i could have been asb. i could have been top of my class i couldve been all of this and this and this but i didnt let myself because i believe other people deserve thag more and im also incredibly worried to seem boastful. thats scary. i will never talk abt my own achievements. i am your humble king always and i would have always let alex win every single time

idk i just keep thinking abt it whenever it is brought up. people r so proud of their achievements and will talk about it all the time and they will go on about how capable they r and that they won this and this and this but when i do it i feel so overwhelmingly guilty even when its true. i will never stand up BECAUSE of it. do i think people r boastful whenever they do that sort of thing? helll no. im happy for you. i dont know why its so different for me i just pay attention because i am shocked one can be so confident. so i take it into account. we r the same. i am fully capable of doing those same things. he is so honest abt how smart he is and do i think he is not? hell no. hes right abt everything he says but then i think abt it and im like well why cant i do that. i know i am as well but i cant ever vocalize that but then i also cant dumb myself down tjat much cuz then people will think i am looking for attention. and then it becomes a whole cycle

like maybe i do want attention sometimes. i wish i couldve stood out. i wish i took those leaps i was fully able to do and let myself be myself in front of those crowds but im also so petrified of that attention 😓 which is why it is so endearing when i realize people do recognize that i am. smart i suppose. because its like oh. you knew that? and when people r just like. “I dont get this - ask sam he would probably know” “of course sam got this and this” “ask sam what he got” like especially in ap sem last year. geometry. it was endearing and yes i did bask in it in those small groups because its nice for a bit and yeah i do like the attention. i dooo. and oh my GOD does it suck so bad when somebody who is at the same level as me or lower (sorry) is praised for their work. because its just like. oh well i couldve done that too. but idk i am yearning or something.

idk so random i just keep thinking abt it. he is so proud and i am so proud of him as well and it makes me wonder why i cant be like that. i dont like saying that “we r the same” really because no i do think he is smarter than me and he deserves all of that and he deserves to be so proud of everything hes achieved and his knowledgement of how smart he is . just makes me think alot. where do i stand there. ? but comparing is evil. but that is a thing i do alot. just with evrryone. idk. then again yeah i do dumb myself down just cause its easier that way. but idk its whatever i dont want to go home because im worried being alone alone will cause me to crash out. at work again i cant crash out because im being perceived. same at school. but once i am truly alone then what. idk. i just dont have the energy to really do all of this again and i should probably talk to someone. cant keep doing this idk but whatever

[captawesomesauce]

Dreams...

2 dreams that I remember -

We've been watching a lot of NCIS New Orleans.. probably too much. So the first dream that I remember, it was Lasalle, Sebastian and I at a Marina with a beach area. The three of us were "bait" and were hiding/hunkering down inside of an RV, totally surrounded and the bad guys were pounding on the thin walls, rocking the vehicle back and forth, while another was on the roof top jumping up and down.

I should at this point mention that in real life we were having a 4.7 earthquake near us. So... ya know... that explains a lot.

2nd dream started off very different from how it ended. It started with me walking across the street to a friends house. What was really weird is that it was an unknown street/unknown house/unknown - well - everything! Usually I dream about people I know and places I know, but this was nothing familiar.

Well I see a fire helmet on her porch and ask her about it and she said she found it in the street so I pick it up and go to return it to the nearby fire station.

I get there and WOOOO it's a giant one! Like the ones on the east coast with like 12 bays and shit... not our usual 1 and 2 bay small ones here in the SoCal area. Well everyone is training out back and so I go to leave the helmet somewhere and walk into another room and suddenly it's a college class at UCLA!

It's in one of the 4 original buildings, dunno if it was Royce or the one next to it... maybe. Not Powell though.

I walk in, and sit down in the front row in one of those tiny ass chairs with the built in lap desk... ugh.

The thing is, the room is a partial library and I'm spending more time looking at the books than I am listening!!! I had one class like that at Bunche now that I think about it, but those books weren't interesting.

The dual profs are starting to assign final papers and I'm being unusually gruff/cranky about it and didn't want to do the topic which I vocally said was pretty stupid.

It was just so vague! Just write 20 pages where science and art meet but the book has to have been published in the last 5 years and you literally have just 1 week to read all 400+ pages AND write the paper too, while studying for all of your other tests and shit. We were all grumbling about it as it didn't really pertain to the class at all. At that point we all noticed red flashing light start to light up our wall and room and the girl next to me says OH! You can see the UCLA ambulance drive past!!!!

I don't know... something made me realize it was all wrong, and the sounds and stuff were off and so I pushed her down to the floor and covered us with our tables right as a vehicle hit the building and the walls and ceiling exploded down around us!!!!!

When the dust and debris started to settle, I checked on her first and she couldn't really reply to my questions as she was more just yelling OMG and random shit.

So I started to stand up and look around, the room was still full of debris and dust and just looked like a tornado hit it, everything was scatted and covered and visibility was still really low.

And that's when I woke up.

So... if you ever wonder why I wake up feeling more tired than when I go to bed, it's probably because of THAT!

[seancamerons]

i am sooooooooooooooooooooo glad finally the world is seeing what scum justin is. he profitted off slandering women. multiple women. unfaithful, scummy, cultural appropriating and made a career off of ripping off michael jackson. the beatboxin', the improvizational vocal styling, the layered tracks, the dancing, the slandering his 'crazy' exes, the luxury he must've had.

must be nice. what a little cry baby bitch boy. what goes around comes around, like it's a friggin boomerang. ew. it takes two to tango, you're the one with the victim mentality. a class act, and i mean that in the most downright low down way i can muster. he is horrible. the absolute worst. he did the women in his life so dirty, it's never his fault, god forbid. pathetic.

boo fuckin' hoo, your anniverary was interrupted by your own dirty laundry, so what? what else is new, besides the fact you slandered britney. you threw janet and her 20 year (at the time) career under a bus. idk what he else he did, but he also cheated on jessica "let's evolve" biel, but that's not about her but, bold words for someone who took back their scoundrel, cheating ex boyfriend who cheated on her. i guess she likes sloppy seconds, they seem like they're so great. must be nice, once again. even if he has the upper hand, or control of the narrative or had it for, oh wait, oh about 20 years.

you know what the ex, the puppy love turned real, your childhood love, arguably the once 'love of his fucking life', in a romantic sense best friend, the girl jt was so into that he apparently was about to give her his name, and you do her dirty? dude, you can be so dumb, sure it was a sly dick move, but damn. that says way more about him that it be about her. life hands you lemons, you blame others and squeeze the juice in their wounds, liar liar liar.

so justin, while britney nursed a broken heart and had to grapple with a decision you issued this 'ultimatium' whatever, you didn't say you were gonna be respectful? i imagine they probably talked beyond the text to be like, whatever it's done closure for the pair, par for the course. when you were the first to be cruel, you were the aggressor, you were the liar, you weaved this narrative that it was ALL her. remember this, there's not a relationship with you, there's the other half, who should be your 'better' half, who was miles humble and sweet compared to him.

not to be all will smith or nothin' but keep her name out your fucking mouth if you have nothing good to say, that goes for everyone. like who are people who don't work, have retail, food service, regular people jobs with regular people problems, middle class judging a woman who makes money when she shits, sleeps, eats, dances and posts videos on instgram. why is it such a thing as to have silence in the peanut gallery in regards. "it would never happen to anyone" sure, jan. keep sippin't he coolade. cool.

so weird flex, idk. i'm glad i never bought into "big bad britney" the worst girl, the delinquent deviant, the seductress Jezabelle manipulator, evil woman, ice, stone what have them, there's always gonna be haters, but like f that. I'm on the right side here, not that it's a contest, race, spill tea, money grab whatever. idc who you are, but britney should be referred to as someone who isn't a tabloid joke, but a survivor with resilience and humility and someone who had unrealistic sometimes or big dreams but never really gave up completely even if times were shitty. she always had things to live for, and to do, but some f the things she endured were totally beyond her control.

she was very much chewed up and spit out. adored and then hated, and all the people going, "oh i had no idea, i feel so bad" i really think it comes too little too late, because for years i always assumed there was a lot we didn't know, and that wasn't really anyone, especially her family who treat her like a prized racehorse or cash cow, and not a human.

for 13 years, almost 15 years, she was a second-class citizen in her own home, a literal prisoner, she had zero say in anything. she couldn't drive or vote for a president/elected official. she was unjustly put under a hold that turned into a little over quarter of a decade imprisoned, her civil rights were infringed upon. yes that is something to share that must burden her, sometimes the truth is something that will set her free. her speaking i believe, equates to her healing. i know i said i wouldn't say things about this until i finished up the woman in me memoir, but i can't keep this from coming out.

it's just for once, this girl can catch a break and do what she loves. she speaks very candidly on her fans who she appreciates even at her lowest point, even if she wasn't necessarily 'running the show', she still had personality, passion and intensity that will keep her 'youthful' in the eyes of the world forever. her legacy is so strong, and i hate that it'd been marred by lies for years. slanderous, sensationalized journalism and south park, punch lines, digs, and general biased hate from other fans of pop (tbh all genres) music and more. if beyonce did any of the things briney did they'd (general public) turn their back too or they'd fight for her just as strong as barmy/fandoms related to britney spears/fans of other artists. some artists could get away with literal killing or unaliving someone, and britney would be like going to prison or some mental hospital for LIFE locked up till the 12th of never to be released and her family would assume control and she would die in literal captivity. people act like jamie was looking for brit's

his meal ticket, of course. of course she's married this guy who (i will say he takes care of mostly if not all of his multiple children with more than one mother, not that there's anything wrong with having biracial or even children who are from different mothers. out of his idk how many kids, he has 2 children with britney from when they were married for roughly three years who don't speak to her because they'd been fed this narrative for so long they see no different. federline literally implies she's nuts, so she's not credible so people find her narrative to be false, or use the rhetoric she has mental illness, while that could be something, if she didn't have dementia or some schizoaffective or bipolar diagnosis, well well, she might have some horrible version of post-traumatic stress disorder. everything i'd expected and even things i didn't know or weren't confirmed officially at any time are being corroborated like i didn't want to be right, but i was so on it and everyone thinks she's crazy, and gaslit, enabled this farce of a conservatorship, she needed to be taught how to be an adult, and her family mainly jamie failed her by making every decision for 13 years for her.

i was also ranting that, what kind of crappy luck to have a sister like who ignored her pleas, saw her struggle, and didn't do shit to help her, but freely went on dancing with the stars, the special corps for money grabs, looks so desperate.

she (jamie lynn) wouldn't even be a name out here if she didn't have a sister who was like it or not, britney spears. similar to the plight of ashlee simpson (jessica was the more 'famous' popstar sister, famously had a reality show with her ex-husband nick lachey in 2003 until 2005 or so which the show seemed to seemingly caused them to split by late 2005/2006) , nick & aaron carter (he was the 'kid' brother of one of the lead singers of the backstreet boys, famously dated paris hitlon, was accused by a former girllbander from the girlgroup in 2000-2001 dream.) if my sis was being talked neg about or was being infringed of her citizens rights, i rest my case. i'd go the f off!

i mean let's be serious for a sec, there was so much SO MUCH animosity and jealousy and "living in the shadow" or being "less famous" or too young to remember when things were normal in their families. ashlee simpson famously had a song called 'shadow' (Autobiography, 2004) not to be confused britney spears' "shadow" (In the Zone, 2003)

i do not sympathize with her. in wise the words of mean girl janis ian. listen up.

As Janis Ian once said, "There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it."

[axolozzy]

vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

[tittyinfinity]

Ok this is kind of a personal post but I'm putting it here in case anyone else relates

ADHD/autism related

Kinda long

Things that should have pushed me to get autism & adhd diagnoses a lot sooner:

Multiple stims throughout my whole life, but I've held onto one specific stim since childhood which is tapping things in a very specific pattern

Every social interaction is like a test that I have to "study" for – practicing every interaction in my head, thinking of all the possible things they could say and how I should respond without looking weird; closely paying attention to a person's each movement and tone of voice change in order to figure out which script to switch to; mirroring people because I don't know which social cues are acceptable to which people

Weird kid of every friend group that people only pretended to like because sometimes I was funny – always hearing that people are talking behind my back, boys making fun of me to my face while admitting to having a crush on me but not pursuing it because their friends would make fun of them

Embracing being ~*rAnDoM!!*~ as a preteen and doing things like yelling nonsense in the hallways with my other (now also diagnosed autistic) friend and wearing things that specifically pissed the other kids off

Oh so everyone else doesn't feel existential dread whenever they have to do one task? You're telling me people can have the motivation to complete a task before the very last minute when it's an immediate threat??

I'm really good at paying attention in class! All I need are my color coded pens of different thicknesses and my multiple colors of highlighters so that I can picture it in my mind (holy SHIT I had like 10-15 writing utensils on me at all times)

Wow I'm so so smart and at the top of my class!! ......oh I was just really good at standardized testing. Oh. Wow. I'm not smart outside of school. Shit.

HOW do people not feel emotion SO INTENSELY I just don't understand how people can just be OKAY WITH THINGS

"They overreact every time they get upset" "they're a crybaby" "it's not that big of a deal" yeah those were actually full on meltdowns! Yeah maybe it wasn't normal for me to be screaming and groveling over "minor" things!

I am walking out of this job right now because all of the noises and sounds are Too Much and I am having a panic attack at my desk. This must be because of the panic attack disorder I was diagnosed with

I can FEEL noises. Why can I feel them. Especially mouth noises. I grew up I a family with vocal/tongue/throat stims and I've had to wear headphones or put my head under a pillow bc while they can't help it, I also can't help that I have a physical response to it and it makes me want to explode. Repetitive noises and certain tones also drive me INSANE

No matter what you are not going to make me eat certain textures

Can't wear a bra or normal underwear without being aware of it all day bc it's all I can feel

Okay I'm going to start this task now. I mean now. Okay now. How about at 3. Oh it's 3:02, how about 3:30. Okay 4.

I am SO OBSESSED with this one thing that my entire life is going to revolve around it until it wears off for the next thing

Why do I feel like I'm so much further behind all the other adults at my age??? How have I not figured it out yet???

"The kid who asks too many questions" (especially at church)

I'm not going to follow this rule if it's not logical to do so

Having to fake a smile and engage in small talk with someone I don't know well makes me physically angry. Like not just annoyed. I want to explode and I want everything to explode with me

On that note: customer service jobs are worse than hell

I got so distracted with what I was doing that I've been doing the wrong thing this whole time

How many times can a person walk into one of their old classrooms and sit there before realizing they're not in that grade anymore

I've been talking to this person for an hour and just realized that I know them

I introduced myself to this person and they said we have met many times before

I can vividly remember every time I've missed a social cue and keep it stored in my brain so I can reference it for future situations. Also thinking about it makes me want to die

The same song/phrase has been on a loop in my head for a week straight now

Not everyone thinks in patterns and numbers specifically??

Nobody Fucking Tell Me What To Do

I very much also need people to tell me what to do because I fucking forget

(This stresses me out very much)

Idk if this has anything to do with it, but drugs affect me differently than others. My pain medication makes me energized and focused while making others drowsy. I can function and focus better after smoking weed. The only thing that fucks me up is alcohol, but anything else I've ever tried has made me feel more "normal" while everyone else around me is having a great time (I won't touch hard drugs because of this – I'd get addicted to meth or heroin extremely easily)

Apparently hypermobility can be an adhd thing? I got the record for the sit-and-reach test at all my schools and have always been able to touch the ground flat handed without bending my legs or stretching. I can also put my legs behind my head.

If I go through a major life or routine change I am fucking useless and mentally strained until I adapt to it

Me and my cats are Same

Half of my day is spent looking for objects I've misplaced

Well I'm on this website and that's a symptom too