#why Ian specifically? it’s cause I’m him

[greenl-ungs]

All shameless does is glamorize living in the south side of Chicago and having trouble living with money problems, underage smoking and drinking, and doing illegal or unethical things to get by, and a lot of sex.

And it’s working

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

question, have you written anything about ian's avoidant attachment?? i just dont really see anyone mention it even though its a big part of his character

i’ve said things about it off and on but i’ve never really talked about it in depth, but i’ve been wanting to post more so i’m gonna take this as an opportunity to:)

i do think it’s strange that nobody talks about it because as you said, it is SUCH a big and important part of his character. even in season one minor things like him running upstairs when people tried to help him with his broken nose or bigger things like running away from the chaos at home to go see mickey. the way fiona acted when he left also indicates it’s a common occurrence. ian always runs away. we even hear stories about him running away as a kid, specifically from his foster home with carl (there was probably abuse going on, but still, he runs away from conflict frequently and later on we see he can’t commit).

a lot of ian and mickey’s relationship early on wasn’t like how it ended up being, where ian runs. instead it was mickey always running, and we all know why- fear. i think he was trying so hard to keep mickey because he really was in love with him but also because he was so used to being left or being treated like garbage, and he didn’t want that. then obviously, season three he leaves, and the mania contributes for sure but i definitely think a big part of it is again, his tendency to run away. fiona even says, “he’ll be back when he’s back” (which i hated), but again it kind of proves he runs a lot. this time he just ran further and didn’t return for months.

anyway, ian’s avoidant attachment becomes more prevalent around the season five break up, which i could talk about for days because i feel like ian’s perspective isn’t talked about as often. but one of the reasons that he leaves is because they love each other and he doesn’t want mickey to be stuck with him, he can’t commit to this and he doesn’t want to drag mickey down with him. after this we see his struggles with commitment more often, visiting mickey in prison is a pretty good example, which is also something i’ll never really hate ian for. he tells svetlana that he doesn’t want to go because he’s done with that part of his life, he wants to leave everything behind him. when mickey shows him that he tattooed ian on his chest and asks him to wait years for him, it’s a big commitment, which ian is afraid of. he even states in season ten his parents contributed to this fear. he’s never known much about commitment, his parents could never commit to him, the men he fucked never commited to him, and mickey did, but it scares ian away.

season seven is pretty obvious, also. trevor wants a relationship and that also scares him away, and there were definitely other levels to it, but i’ve always viewed his hesitance for another relationship as a part of that. trevor wants commitment, ian isn’t good at that; and it shows when he runs off with mickey (after saying he’s staying and won’t do that). when ian and mickey talk while stargazing the night before mickey goes over the border, i could tell ian wasn’t going to go with him. mickey asks if ian ever thought of him, and ian says he did, but his demeanor to me always still seemed anxious. he realizes this is a big decision, and while he’s already made a lot of big commitments doing this whole thing with mickey, i feel like that’s when he realized. mickey’s leaving behind nothing, but ian’s leaving behind everything. his family, his job, trevor, probably even his stability. i don’t think i even need to talk about him leaving mickey at the border, because again, it was unsurprising and caused by fear and fear only. love was never a factor, and i think mickey must’ve known that.

there’s other examples within the next two seasons, like how he grieved, him hiding from the cops and running away after dyeing his hair black, but it’s always the most obvious when he’s in a relationship with mickey, because their attachment styles contradict each other. knowing he’s getting released on parole was a big thing, because to me, it was apparent he didn’t want to leave but also couldn’t wait to. his whole thing with mickey where he screams “i wanna be where you are!” and mickey responds with, “you don’t get to be.” was a big thing and showed a change in ian’s relationship with attachment. he was willing to throw his whole parole for mickey. it was growth. the marriage license is a whole other thing.

10x08/10x09 are pretty important episodes to me looking at it from ian’s perspective. he does love mickey and that should never be questioned, in fact, it irritates me when people imply he doesn’t, but he was afraid. the way his hand hovered over the paper was fear, and in 10x09 it all goes back to 5x12. ian’s bipolar, he doesn’t want mickey stuck with him. i think in the courthouse he did a good job of explaining why he didn’t want that. frank and monica had so many weddings and he’s watched so much shit go down, and he’s no stranger to being compared to monica. in season nine he states he doesn’t know who he is anymore, and i feel like he’s struggled with that for a while. he ends up marrying mickey, but there was so much trauma and fear he had to push past to do so. he asks mickey how he knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with ian and everything that comes with ian, and obviously mickey is fine with all of that, he loves ian, but ian isn’t sure. like i said, he’s been left so many times and he’s seen what his disorder did to his mother, he’s seen frank and monica’s relationship, and he’s scared. debbie even tells him this. that’s why i felt like his whole promise thing made sense, it symbolized commitment, he tells mickey he can commit, but mickey doesn’t buy it (and i don’t blame him). he learns he has to marry mickey, he has to commit, he has to say vows. and he does, and the whole monogamy conversation further proves he’s still learning and trying to overcome everything.

i dont know if i even answered that question or not and just rambled, lol, but i tried😭😭

[femboymilkovich]

Hiiii, Sarah! It’s been a while since I’ve found myself in the inbox of my mutuals with a thoughtful question about our boys. However, we’re preparing for the hurricane down this way and I’m looking for something to keep me occupied — like talking to all of my beautiful lovely friends!!

So what I want to discuss today is the love language of our boys. What love language(s) do you think they each excel at and which one(s) do they struggle with the most? Do you think their love language(s) have changed since the beginning? Do you think they still excel or struggle with a certain one(s)?

I would also like to pick your brain on your thoughts of how they protect one another — how they protect one another physically, how they protect one another’s peace, how they protect each other mentally, etc! 🩵

— Much love, Chey

Chey! This was such a happy surprise! First, please be safe! But I am happy to indulge <333

Love languages are sooooooo incredibly important to me I'm so glad you asked!

I think mickey best feels loved by words of affirmation, mostly from Ian, I don't really think anyone else's opinion ever truly mattered more to him than Ian's. I think when he finally let the walls fall and let Ian in, he realized how nice it is to be reminded that he is important and worthy of love and admiration. I also think physical touch, both giving and receiving, not just sexually. Casual intimacy, a soft hand down his back to ground him, a firm squeeze on his knee, being able to communicate without words is his safety. I think he searches for the love he should have always had, and was robbed of. Having a violent childhood, he probably felt like he was never going to be given the love he craved, too afraid to be soft and punished for it. Which is why all of the little things, the flirty glances, teasing and joking around with Ian feels so heart wrenching. I think over the years it has definitely changed, I think he was doing a lot of acts of service for ian, especially when he is or was manic. The vitamins, checking him on risky behavior that would hurt him, making sure he takes his meds. Waaaah. I think Mickey has gone through periods of struggling with many aspects of communicating properly with Ian, sometimes intentionally as an act of defiance, but often I think it just boils down to what he was exposed to, never having had a proper example, and he will unintentionally cause hurt. I like to think now, he's much better about it and even if he does do something petty, he will, albeit begrudgingly, he will make it right.

I think Ian's main love language is acts of service, we love service top Ian. I think he feels so fulfilled by helping others, he is so used to being needed, as a son, a brother, a friend and a spouse. He finds purpose in it. We all know he provides that well in the bedroom buuuuuuuuutttttttttt I want to focus on the non-sexual aspects too because those are soooooo important. I think Ian thrives on helping Mickey specifically, helping him unwind at the end of the day, making him dinner, a massage? Hell yeah! I think quality time is another big one for him, as much time as he is willing to put into someone or something, he wants that to be reciprocated back to him, even if its just being present with him, parallel play anyone? 👀

As I mentioned earlier, Mickey often finds himself checking Ian, making sure he takes his meds, makes sure he's taken care of with his mental health which is not an easy thing to do, It is very complex and confusing and stressful, and yet Mickey takes it all. Even if he were the only one, Ian will always have Mickey there to take care of him. Ian is incredibly receptive and is able to pull mickey back down and ground him when he thinks he's about to do something that is not worth his time, or energy.

"Mick, pause" is huge to me, he knows how much hurt Mickey has over his dad, and knows that Terry doesn't deserve the consideration, but it was never for his benefit. He knew in that moment Mickey needed him to help him consider his actions, and made sure to reassure him later that he was proud of him and that he made the right choice and he will always be better than his father for that. His ability to grow, mature and amount to something.

We both know they love a good fight, and they are ready and willing to throw blows with anyone if the other is getting fucked with. Let them have a little violence as a treat!

This was so much fun to do, thank you for asking me! I hope I answered in a way that makes sense!

[sirwow]

hm. Thinking about Edega.. he’s very interesting to me so I’m gonna ramble for a sec about him.

after 5-2N Ian states this is the most Edega has ever spoken to (Lucky in specific) It’s strange for a cold man like him, but something similar happened with Hugh. The only two people Edega puts priority on were famous and influential, people who really could get word out. Mayhaps Edega wishes to give them the best care possible and do something revolutionary, getting their hospital on the chart. After all he stated himself that their hospital was pretty under due to the staff drought that they need an experimental intern to help. If he could do something revolutionary in medicine and really get that out there things would be better for patients and the staff.

(Cut here to not flood RD TL)

However. This is clearly overshadowed by selfishness. Edega is constantly on Ada and Ian for their productivity and time management, why aren’t they working harder and wasting their time when there’s so much to be done. Everyone must be self sufficient in Edega’s eyes, as long as what needs to be done is done for a patient, it’s good enough. Along with this, Edega always refers to the “ultimate cure” that’s being worked on as HIS, it’s HIS cure all. Despite seemingly Ian doing constant work for this project, intern and Ada gathering the tests and information, and the patients (especially Lucky) being guanine pigs to HIS cure. It’s clear the fame of a cure all bringing way to new things is snuffed by Edega’s intentions to take all fame for himself. They’re subordinates, why should they get credit?

And on that last note- the Patients. It’s already bad that Edega treats them as nothing more then numbers and care for them according to their status, but actively testing on them? The intern rhythm doctor program is stated to be just that a program. However, this program is not an equivalent alternative to healing. It helps in the short term, yes, but as seen with almost every patient they continue to need more treatments then just the one. Cole and Nicole’s addictions weren’t solved by the program, that was having each other, making the result of them being “cured” by the program a false positive.

Then there’s Insomniac. There’s no way Edega could of missed the reports of power getting knocked out in the hospital and my man’s literally LOSING part of his heart. And to be fair while they didn’t know the program caused it, he still didn’t take any procedures like stopping the program or going further into figuring out what went wrong to cause genuine damage. Lucky was being admitted and there was no time to waste on that, this was his chance to bring fame! Ian of course figured it out after chapter 5 inbetween working on this “cure” Edega wanted but it’s pretty clear Edega isn’t stopping the Rhythm Doctor program anytime soon. He’s too close now.

Call him Gabriel Icarus Edega, the sun is grand but the cost will drag him and everyone else down with him.

Ok I’m done being a nerd who looks too deep into things ❤️❤️ me when I grab this shithead and put him in the realm of “Good end goal - Bad practice and worse intentions in the pursuit of speed.” Bros a hypocrite for telling Lucky to be patient

[igbylicious]

My capacity to read has once again exceeded my energy for writing/communicating so I am here to apologize for the super late replies T_T I've even read the new fic and the spoiler for the wooyunsan/reader and I am so sending a long ass asks for them too just you wait.

can I just say that I love it when you pepper in those hc in asks and stuff. reader teasing woosan with butchered video game names is gonna live in my mind rent free from now on I just know it. I bet she tries a bunch but makes note when one really gets a reaction out of the boys just to use it when they least expect it.

DUDE YESSS she was called kombusha girl for SO LONG it took me ages to realize that she moved past that and like has her name as her handle. Like I only registered her name when I saw her with trixie XD

bless your mind!! I always love the choices you make. I wish I had you writing my life cause my writers are losing the plot over here ໒꒰ྀི × ˕ ×｡꒱ྀི১

I have a feeling your fondness for doms with different vibes is gonna really shine with the wooyunsan/reader part and I cannot wait!

choosing self indulgence was so the right call because I love nothing more than getting those peeks into the guys minds. I would read the whole fic in their pov again like some less sadistic midnight sun moment iykyk

Oh yeah saved and reread already! you cannot understand the impact that fic has had on my brain fr.

Oh as I am writing this with music in the bg a random question came to me! Do you have like a writing playlist? I feel like this fic could get it's own playlist too! Oh man dope lover by dpr ian would so be in it! AND NO PLAN BY HOZIER! aaaaand I just worked myself up into making a whichever way playlist rip

oh man i totally feel you on the energy to read vs the energy to communicate ^^;; no worries, pls take care of yourself! ♡ obv i love love love your asks but your well-being comes waaaayyyyy before that ♡

(but i do really super appreciate that you take the time to send an ask later („ಡωಡ„)♡ i feel like a lot of fandom worries that there is this limited window of opportunity after a writer drops a fic or an update, but there really is no such thing as a ‘late’ comment! so thankyou for not letting that hold you back ♡♡♡)

(like; every once in a blue moon i get a comment on an old fic from 2016 and it still makes my day w/out fail lol)

ahhh i’m happy you enjoy my rambling abt hc’s hehe (≧◡≦)♡ and omg yessss you are so right, she absoLUTELY experiments! and maybe the worst part for Woosan is that she NEVER pulls this shit w/ anyone else lol; she’ll go out of her way to ask Seonghwa abt his animal crossing village while Woosan are in earshot and she never fucks up the name <3 but then San gets into ac for a while bc he thinks the villagers are cute and she’ll be like “ohhh are you playing critter meeting??? (♡°▽°♡)” she’s very lucky they adore her lol or she’d be tossed out on the streets <3

asdkjsdkjfd i really only know her from the reaction image lol, a while back i actually needed the meme for smth but i couldn’t find it bc i didn’t know the right keywords to search for xD

ahhhhh i’m sorry to hear that your life-writers have lost the plot :( i hope they get their shit together and things get easier soon ♡♡♡

‘like some less sadistic midnight sun moment iykyk’ tbh idk 〒▽〒 but i get the gist of what you’re saying lol!

ohh no i don’t have a playlist specifically for writing; my attention-span always needs to be wrangled on a day-to-day basis lol so i switch between a lot of different things ^^;;

DPR IAN I LOVE HIM AHHHHH i am honoured to have one of his songs associated w/ my fic asdjksdjkdsjk <333 and no plan!! nooooo but i’m asdkjsdjksd at how you could apply some of the lyrics to the trio’s approach to their relationship ‘why would you make out of words a cage for your own bird?’ PLEASE!!!! <3

A WHIWAY PLAYLIST????? omg obv don’t push yourself to do anything you don’t have energy for but i am flailing at the fact you’re even just thinking abt it asdkjdsjksdjksd

[lingy910y]

Ian and Mickey Meta Questions: Clothing

this is my moment 🙏 aka just me rambling to myself @gallavichmeta

1. When do you think the first time was that one wore the others clothes? And what feelings did they have about it?

I’m looking through gifs and it seems like the earliest occurence is during 2x01/3x11 with this grey hoodie? and my only interpretation of this is that sometime during the s2 summer, Ian left it at the dugouts after they fucked. and Mickey saw it in the corner of his closet since he also forgot to give it back, and naturally was drawn to it without realizing it’s Ian’s to help him cope with how sad he was :/

2. Mickey is the youngest brother in his family and Ian is the middle brother in his family. What feelings do they have about hand-me-down clothing?

Mickey didn’t care at all cause that’s the way life was for him in Terry’s household, sadly.

Well canonically Ian was tired of living under Lip’s shadow and he’s his only older brother, so naturally some of his clothes are his hand-me-downs. You can also see that in the show. I think that Ian didn’t rly mind this particularly, just shows how close he is with Lip y’know? and they have different styles but so similar at the same time esp Lip’s is more nerdy

3. Do you think either of them have a favourite outfit or item of clothing?

Oh I know Mickey fucking LOVES his black boat neck sleeveless tank. mans wears it all the time, like if he was in a dress up game this would be his default option. I saw a cute fanart speculating that the reason why he mostly wears sleeveless clothes esp in early seasons is bc he overheard Ian saying he esp loves a r m s in men so he cut them specifically, but I feel like he felt uncomfortable and wants to stretch his arms. we all know how he’s a man of action

On the other hand Ian is obsessed with military outfits 💀 first of all bro got the ugly buzzcut. ok sure, whatever, he changes hairstyles every season anyway. but then he was wearing his rotc uniform everywhere?? cutting it into shorts for the club? and he dared mickey to wear the camo for the gig 💀💀 he literally has a kink for it and it’s embarrassing i’m sorry. tho I’m a hypocrite cause he does look good in it, but when does he not? if a watch counts as an item of clothing tho I’m gonna say that instead

4. Do you think either of them have a least favourite item of clothing?

Can I say Mickey’s first wedding suit? Because he was yanking the bowtie when he came out of the dressing room and the whole thing was both literally and metaphorically was suffocating him. which was why it was so meaningful for him to get to choose his white suit (and other stuff in his second wedding), even if he had to straight-up take his and Ian’s by force ASDKFJL

Ian telling Mandy he didn’t want to starve himself to fit that golden thong was so :((( I think he also greatly regrets his job at the club, so all memories involving it are prob bad for him. rly wished the show didn’t just brush how he felt under the rug

5. What do you think their personal style says about them?

Well Mickey’s style screams thug (not necessarily king of the southside) that’s for sure

Ian’s fashion sense is very wack lmfao. I think it just means that he’s a silly goofy boy! Someone said "every cis gay millenial dude owns this shirt" under a gifset of his raglans 😭

6. What items of clothing hold most significance for them?

Didn’t Mickey personally say in 11x05 that he “loves this shirt” in response to the black shirt he was wearing, and the whole fandom agreed that it’s the same one that Ian wore to Mexico 🥺 MEANWHILE HE WAS WEARING THE FLANNEL?? THAT SPANS A WHOLE TIMELINE

And Ian’s EMT jacket def means a lot to him. Everytime I look at it I gain new waves of emotion so I can’t even imagine what he feels when he reminiscences during late nights TT

7. Do you think the way Mickey’s sense of style changed over time was to do with his relationship with Ian?

Yes, definitely. Says a lot that he was dirtier in the early seasons, like he never gave a fuck abt his appearance bc there were other things to focus on before Ian did. I can imagine Ian nuzzling Mickey’s shoulder during another one of their summertime fucks at the dugouts, so Mickey wanted to clean up nice for him without directly saying anything. And how overtime, he dressed more and more fashionable :D

8. Ian has worn a few different uniforms (ROTC, janitor, EMT, prisoner, fake EMT etc etc) over the course of the series, how do you think they made him feel?

I feel like the ROTC and EMT uniforms made him feel empowering, like he’s reaching his ambition of doing something with his life. Then the other ones like his stripper outfit as I’ve mentioned in 4, janitor, prison, fake EMT uniforms rly made him feel horrible. But I think he did grow to like his prison uniform after seeing Mickey in that white tank top all the time, maybe?

9. How does their emotional state affect their clothing choices?

It does, but I can’t necessarily find much apparent examples? But I like how in 3x09/ abandoned building, Mickey was wearing his sweater. I think sweaters and sadness definitely go together

10. We see Mickey wear colourful/Hawaiian shirts a couple of times, how do you think those types of clothes make him feel?

It makes him feel fun! The first time he clicks his tongue, does a little dance, and asks ian for his approval & the second time he lets out a “ooh!” He’s a cutie. I rly get emotional whenever Mickey gets to experience the little joys in life that he never rly got to express when he was younger. Then I get emotional for a different reason - he had a whole dream of laying in the sun with Ian in Mexico but he ended up doing it alone or not at all I’m fucking crying

11. Compare their first and last appearances, what do their outfits tell us about the characters?

They both dress more “maturely” in the last eps compared to the first ones :0c cargo jackets(?) !!!

[threadsun]

Ian doubts Ian? More likely than you think 😌 How much do you want to bet though that firehouse puppy has a few lockers specifically DEDICATED to the amount clothes that were given to them (including the ripped ones)? I’m sure one of guys made it all pretty too just for them. Now the question is if Jean would pull you into his lap WHILE wearing one of his handpicked outfits when someone visits the firehouse just to show how powerful he is. Oh absolutely to the insane amount of aftercare needed after Jean gets his hands on you. I’m sure that some of the guys made a watch group to makes sure Jean doesn’t go near you after one particularly rough session, switching who keeps an eye on you every so often. But definitely he knows not to push too far or he’d feel the wrath of all the other guys. Sometimes when firehouse puppy goes nonverbal from all the pleasure, they use the asl sign for no so that Joesph or Nick can jump in and stop the scene. OMG Ian would secretly LOVE being a firehouse bunny at that moment 😩 Maybe he’d sneak off every so often just to slip it on for JUST a moment~

You can work with anything? That’s makes sense with summoning spirits though, is there something that happens if someone doesn’t follow the rules like not knocking before entering the temple in the morning or summoning spirits in general? Exactly!!! No need to put yourself in danger just cause you’re a little curious about something!! Thank you 🩵 Yeah!! With how much things can change and shift, there’s always something new to learn so that’s why it’s amazing that we get the opportunity to learn about it! Oh that’s a shame that you had to deal with someone who is misinformed about Kabbalah :/ Hopefully they’ve brought in someone who’s Jewish to teach that class and knows what they’re talking since you’ve taken it! Learning about witchcraft in other countries must’ve been cool though!!! I can understand why you chose to do disability studies as a minor instead of witchcraft though! What did that minor consist of?

-🎃

Ian will believe literally anyone over himself, poor lad has NO self esteem 😔 They definitely have at least one locker full of clothes for their dog! Jean will do absolutely anything for a powerplay, so yeah he'd definitely dress them up and pull them into his lap and casually grope them while visitors are around. Anything to show his claim over them. He keeps everything on just the right side of okay so that the others don't try to take them away from him, while still being able to take all his sadistic urges and whatnot out on them. Everyone else can only really help by giving solid aftercare and keeping him occupied when they need a rest. Oh I love that so much, they all learned ASL so they could help hoh/deaf people during rescues, but it's very convenient for a nonverbal partner too! Ian would be so into it. He'd try to pretend he wasn't because he wants to seem as dommy as the rest of them, but he loves when the others bully him into putting his lil costume on and subbing with their puppy!

Not really, it's just considered rude. Which I guess runs the risk of a supernatural being not liking you, which would suck, but usually there's no consequences. It's just about being polite. I'm hoping they brought in someone Jewish to teach it, cause she was really awful and kept spouting lots of antisemitic bullshit too. But generally the other witchcraft courses I took were really cool and interesting!! For the disability studies minor, technically it's only an honorary thing. I was meant to be in the first class of students graduating with it, because the disability studies programme as an official department was new in my senior year. But then covid hit towards the end of my last semester, so they had to push off the creation of the minor. But I took all the required classes for it, so while it's technically not on my diploma I hit all the requirements for it. It mostly involved various classes about the social and medical models of disability, the history of disability, and the way it's portrayed in media and literature.

[manicstreetsupportgroup]

lover’s rock / valerie loves me

Laughing on the sofa, drinks in our hands and I suddenly saw his friends through the window looking at us and talking to each other. I stood up and pointed at them, dancing a bit. He did the same and then we were all laughing together, through the window. We sat back down with a sigh.

Yes it’s the most famous joy division song but have you heard this version, I said, it was Ian’s favorite version. And I pressed play then slid the phone into his shirt pocket telling him not to go anywhere cause now he has my phone. And later in the next club I throw my skull crossbody over his shoulder as we dance and he looks really good in it.

Later, almost 4am and the turf at the park is the emptiest I’ve ever seen it. We kiss a while then collapse side by side, me thinking that it feels just as nice as I expected it to: laying next to someone and looking up at the sky, seeing only a couple of stars but it is the city after all, and the summer breeze is a cliché but it still feels nice. We sit up again and I put my mouth on his neck and he says fuck so I keep it there and he keeps saying fuck. I pull back, look at him and he says he could spend the whole night with me but he says it breathless, like he’s only talking to himself.

Pulls my legs around him and he says it’s so much fun to move me around.

I undid the first two buttons then stopped and looked into his eyes. “Is this okay?” I said. “Yeah.” He said, a little breathless. So I continued.

And in the morning we look at each other and I say I’m feeling awkward and he apologizes and I say “no it’s not you” and he says “but I’m probably contributing” and I’m like “no…” and then he comes over and kneels on the bed and pulls me up and kisses me again, arms around me and I think vaguely about this fishbowl apartment and the other people’s windows facing us but who cares when our mouths are on each other’s and I’m holding him very very tight against me.

“Did you actually like this shirt?” he asked. I felt mildly surprised that he remembered - it was the first thing I said to him, a last ditch effort to get his attention. “I do yeah, it’s nice” I said and then he looked down and pulled on it saying “I feel like it’s just a normal shirt.” I looked at it and thought about telling him that it wasn’t so much the shirt itself as it was how it looked on him specifically, the dance club lights bouncing off his cheekbones and him moving so well under them. But I didn’t, and I’m not sure why I didn’t. Instead I just shrugged and said again, “I think it’s a nice shirt.”

And I’m not saying it’s love but yes love does burn like a cigarette and this right now feels like burning. And he touched the burns on my wrist and then touched the one on his own. Mother of god just give me one more fucking time and I’ll make sure he comes back again. You can trust me with that, I promise. I promise, I promise. Because I grabbed his hand and dragged him along, through the crowd and down the street and into the next club and then to the park and then up my stairs.

And will I be okay if he doesn’t text back? Yes… but damn I’ll be fucking sad if he doesn’t. Because we talked about liking things and his friends were smiling at us through the window and everyone was happy and…and… and yeah we were awkward in the morning but we still got along. And there’s been others where we didn’t even vibe.

And he's like, have you ever heard the song Valerie loves me? And I'm like, no, why? He's like, it's been stuck in my head. I'm like, why? And he’s like “I don't know. I guess just because they played it last night.”

Earlier, when we were in bed still, I ran my hands through his hair, and he ran his hands through mine. Then he put an arm behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. His lips parted, and he left them that way. And I looked at them for a while…then leaned forward and put my lips to his. It was nice…and we kissed fast. Kind of hard, but also our mouths were dry from all the alcohol and I thought of a poem I'd read earlier about how someone liked how Americans kissed because they kissed like they were hungry. And it sounded strange at the time, but as I kissed him in my bed and our mouths were so dry from the night before, I remember that poem and I thought, well, maybe that's true, but it's not because we're hungry. It’s more because everything feels like we're running out of time - all the time. And that's, maybe, specific to Americans. And it made me think about being American. And how, you know what? I haven't been to university like he has, but fuck it. He’s a PhD student. And we met in a club and that's the American dream. That's my American dream. The PhD students trickle down and they find me some way. And then they end up in bed. And in the morning it's cold and it's uncomfortable and it's awkward, but we’ll kiss anyway. ‘Cause I'm not gonna tell him to leave… and anyway I don’t think he wants to because he keeps keep stringing it out and saying “Don't worry, I'll leave soon”… and then we lay back down. And we try to get as close as possible. And we kiss and we’re warm. And it feels like it's OK.

But before I forget. And I was sitting in bed and he looked at the window and he came back and he was like “Your hair is tangled” and it was tangled in my necklace and he says “Your hairs tangled.” And he kneels down and he untangles it and he looks in the corner of my eye. And he's like “wait. There's something there” And he gently tries to remove it. And I was like God fucking damn. I have waited for a man to touch me this way for a very long time. And I got sad.

And one more before I forget - when we were on the turf. “You've been giggling all night. What are you laughing about?” And I'm like, “I don't know” but in my head I know. I'm just happy to be there, and he doesn't know that maybe, or at least I hope he does. But in my mind, I don't say it. And again, I don't know why I don't say it. But I guess I'm always afraid to tell people that I'm happy to be there when I'm happy to be there. And that's all.

Our last meeting, two months later…

Me seeing him and getting a Heinken, just for the bit (keep in mind the club only offers NA Heinekin for some reason????) but he miraculously gets it and we say the lines from Blue Velvet together and I love him for it honestly…. We grind for like 20 minutes until his friends say it’s time to get him home and we have a semi-quick convo by the door… he says I was so blase about getting his number and didn’t seem to want it, I preface my ~ defense??? ~ by saying I know I gave mixed signals and I’m sorry for that, I’ve been thinking about you so much and I was so nervous and tired that morning. But he says he likes dancing with me but the timing is wrong (??) Like wrong for what, but I don’t say it because what’s the point, I know is mind is made up by the way he looks at me then looks away..

I’m happy I got to grind on him again though lolllll like he was leaning against the stage but I’mma come over ‘cause I like you a lot. And he leaned on me too, and he pushed his fingers though mine and leaned against me because there’s some familiarity there and there always will be, because after all he’s been in my bed and slept beside me and that doesn’t change.

[theuniverseawakens347]

Shanyce in the beginning I be taking you w me and Tristan since DAY ONE IF US MEETING

- I STOPPED WHEN I WAS GETTING DICK AT THAT NIGGA HOUSE 7pm then dip at 3-6 am

- WHY WOUKD I TAKE YOU WITH ME

- YOU GOT FRIENDS WHK DRIVE WHY THEY NOT PICKING YOU UP

- THATS WHEN YOU HAD ME DROP YOU OFF AT UR GF HOUSE IN ANAHEIM FOR THE WEEKEND OF HALLOWEEN - WHEN YOU LEFT ME FOR GOOD N DIDNT SAY SHIT

- I DROPPED YOU THERE TWICE .. you had two friends Isabella!? Come over and I BITCHED Diana out for you the way I did Roisin and Lee 2020 George Floyd

- JAMAL WTF YOU DOING THE EXTRAS FOR - March 2020 A DAY OR WEEK BEFORE COVID YOU SEND ME I LOVE YOU TEXT WHEN WE ALREADY ON THE EDGE OF BREAKING UP AND I SEND YOU IM BREAKING UP W YOU FOR GOOD - “if a nigga involved ima be spiteful” - “no I’m moving on cause nigga you NOT GIVING HUSBAND QUALITY MISTER “I wana marry you 2018 Halloween” - I let YOU MOVE IN W ME TO FIGURE THAT OUT - PIT OF ME KNEW YOU NOT MY HUSBAND BUT YOU IN A FOUGH PLACE LIKE ME - FRIENDS W BENEFITS LIVING TOGETHER DICK WADS CAUSE I TOLD YOU UP FRONT W DANIEL I LEFT HIM BUT STILL LIVING W EM BC MY POCKETS WEIRD N A NIGGA WONT LEAVE ME ALONE BUT IM TRYING TO FIND MY OWN SPOT but dick is cool — BUT TIFFANY JACKSON HOW MUCH MONEY YOU GET OFF LEE FORCING A RELATIONSHIP OUT OF ME N JAMAL AFTER YOU “play broke to sleep on his couch” TO FUCK HIM AND HIS ROOMATES - VIVICCA as VIVICA NAME ( copy right- SO IS MINE THANKS REAL FAMILY AND LAPD MILITARY) SAG AFTRA FUNDING

- Cameron Walker I sent you a “I think I still got feels for you message “ then realize nigga you be fucking me just to be spiteful thinking a bitch gon be hooked on you - no IM MISSING A FRIENDSHIP - IAN MCDOWELL THINKING - ILL GIVE IT TO MYSELF IN FUCKING FULL

- TRISTAN ALLEAR 4-6 months later. ASSHOLES.

ALSO JAMAL I TALKED TO YOU ABOUT MY SISTER MOVING IN W US -

AND TOLD YOU WE NOT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW SO I WANA BE FRIENDLY AS BEST AS POSSIBLE ( also told you January WHEN SHE STARTED ASKING ME // HINTING SHE GETTING KICKED OUT* FOR NOT GOING TO COLLEGE) ( parents that’s yo fucking issues - WHAT ELSE YOU CHILD WANT TO DO WHY COLLEGE GOTTA BE THE ANSWER - SHANYCE WANTED TO GO TO ART SCHOOL - SHES YOUNG N TRAUMATIZED AND YOU FORCING HER MENTAL TO PUT HER PHYSICALLY HOW YOU DOING ME AND DARNIECE - I LEARN THIS ON MY FUCKING LONELY STEPPING INTO MY DESTINY HI 2021 BODY BUILDING ( fucking cunts and you really think I want you around me or in my fucking kingdom when you steady HELPING FUCK OVER MY FAMILY SPECIFICALLY) )

- THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GAME. ITS REAL FUCKING LIFE I CALLED MARSHAL MARITIME LAW YPU GOT THE OFFICERS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU HELLO PROJECT BLUE DREAM YPU DICK WADS FUCKING RETARDED SHIT HEADS.

BUT JAMAL I STARTED TELLING YOU AS SOON AS SHANYCE ASKED ME // TOLD ME AHE HAS NO OTHER BETTER OPTION THAN MOVING IN W ME .. and I told you IN FULL AS FAR AS RENT I BE STRUGGLING THERE SO IF YOU CUD STILL HELP WHICH YOU SAID YES IN FULL YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT .. I GOT EVERYTHING ELSE INVOLVING HER ME AND MY FUCKING DOG YOU DICK WAD SWIPING YO MOM CARD FOR FANCY ASS STEAKS N SAYING IM STEALING YO SHIT - WHY LAMONT MARCUS KICK YOU OUT TIFFANY JACKSON YAL ONE IN THE FUCKING SAME TABITHA CHRISTMAS WHO IN THAT PHOTO W YS YO ASS PARTNER NASTY AS BITCH - U GIVING ME STDS FUCKING HIM RAW YOU STUPID FUCK THEN GETTING ME DRUNK TO EAT MY PUSSY AFTER I FIND OUT I GOT CERVICAL CANCER - UR WAY OF GETTING PAY FROM LEE TO PIMP ME AN STD AND LIE TO YO BUTT PARTNER TO LIE TO MORE N SAY I GAVE YOU - NO DELTA 332 you FUCKWARDS.

THAT POISON JUST GO RIGHT BACK TO YOU. IN ALL WAYS YOU STUPID BITCH.

WHY YALL JIGGAS CHEATING ON YO BITCHES W THEY FRIENDS N YO FRIENDS CHEATING ON YOU TO FUCK YO FRIENDS N THEY BITCHES - WHY ARE YOU FUCKING CHEATING ANYWAYS AND CRYING TO MERCY WHEN YOU ACTIVITY DOING IT IN 17 DIFFERENT WAYA TO THE ONE SPECICIALLY WHO GOT AWAY JULIAN JACKSON AND JUSTIN IFKWE - A BITCH HAD YOU AND OUR TIME CALLED TO SEPARATE WHY YOU FORCING IT - ITS BLASPHEMY EVEN AS SATAN .. now WHERE DO IT SAY SATAN WINS GOD - IT DONT I KILT YOU NIGGAS AND NOW IM SATAN AND FOR THOSE WHO GET IT LOVE YOU , but the rest of you staying fucking stuck in misery.

GODS GOTTA OUT SATAN SATAN BY BECOMING GOD .. bc if god is THE ALMIGHTYFUL and Satan is a fallen angel … HOW TF YOU GON BEAT GOD!? - GOD GOTTA GET ON HER BIG ROLLIE AND BECOME A BIGGER SATAN TO KILL YPU LIL DEVIL NON DISCIPLINE ASS - YOU WANTED TO BE EVIL HERES THE FUCKING LOGIC TO PLAY , but you keeping me homeless - U MISSED THE FUCKING MESSAGE AGAIN SO WE ALL DEAD TOGETHER. NO BODY WINNING EXCEPT STILL ME - $0.0 BUT A BITCH STEAL EATING - GOD MADE DIRT N YA WANT ME DIRTY SO I SOIL MYSELF IN CLEANSING YOUR FUCKING SINS YOU DICKWADS IDIOTS.

- UR NEVER GOING TO WIN. IM HOMELESS HOUSE WISE BUT GOT PHYSICAL PLACES

YOU HOMELESS CAUSE YOU MISSING LOVE YO FUCKING HEART - YOU MARRIED ANYONE WHO ENTERTAINED YO SHORT COMING TO COMMIT SUICED TOGETHER

WE ALL ROMEO AND JULIET BUT WHO DOING FOR JUST DUMB ASS FUCKING REASONS.

ALL LEE N HOWARDS N FUCKING FULL. COI LEREY. INDIA LOVE CLEARLY DONT CARE

Cause if you did DROP YO PUBLIC FRONTINGS - “ima let cashay know by titles or thoughts performing I Stan w her // watching - BUT NOT LWTTING YO AUDIENCEIN FUCKING FULL KNOW YOU GOING TO JAIL AND WHY” - U NOT INSPIRING ANYONE BUT YO ANCESTORS MLRE N MORE TO PROTECT ME AND LET ME BE WHILE THEY FUCKING KILL YOU.

- SLOWLY AND EMBARRISSINGLY bc you REALLY HAD THW FUCKING OPPORTUNITY TO TELL ME WHY YPU WORKED SOOOO HARD LEE N ALL YOU TO FUCK MY LIFE OVER INDIA FUCKTARD LOVE AND WARREN YO DADDY MY DADS FUCKING TWIN BROTHER. YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH - HE DISNT WANT ANGELA YA BEEFING OVER DARNIECE AND GOT ME. IDIOTS IN 3 MY FAMILY SIDE KILLING YOU IN FUCKING FULL EVERY WHERE YOU LOOK WARREN N INDIA YOU SURROUNDED BY ME.

Dicks good luck surviving ur war - U BEEN FUCKING LOST N DEAD.

Give it up. It’s not giving what you thought Lee

And India SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL THE WAY AND BRING YO STUPID RETARDED ASS TO THE LIB MATIKA YAL CLEARLY KNOW WHO FUCKING W YOU AS IN YOUR STUPID AND BEING SET UP FOR MURDER - I GOT THE ONES IM SHOOTING AND KILLING LEE AND HOWARD THE REST IF YOU JUST BEING DUMB SCARY N RUINING YO KINGDOM COME CHANCES FOR HEAVEN ROME.

[middlefletcher]

Ian looked over at Ethan when he said it was uncomfortable when his schoolmates would tease him about birds. Definitely not the same as Ian’s mother trying to set him up with his tutors in very obvious ways, but Ian appreciated Ethan trying to relate it to something that happened to normal people. And he appreciated Ethan sharing about something that hadn’t been fun for him either. Ian gave him a grateful smile and shrugged. “I’ve considered telling her I’m not even into birds, but then I think she’d just start trying to get me to hit on the blokes instead, at least the ones that aren’t interested in her. Which is all of them except this one idiot that Cal fired. Either that or she’d see me as competition, which might actually be worse. Not something I want to test out either way.” Birds was safest, at least there was zero chance of anything happening for him there ever. Though up until a few days ago Ian would have said there was zero chance of anything happening for him with anyone. Now there was a specific someone that maybe he might want to take a chance on. And that specific someone was in his bedroom right now. Thankfully they were talking about homework which was enough to stop Ian from panicking too much. And much better than talking about Patricia. Ian laughed at Ethan’s assessment of Hogwarts schooling. “They did tell me that, but I always sort of wondered if they were just trying to make me feel better. Guess they weren’t kidding. Which sucks for you, being in a fancy magic castle and having to sit and write essays.” Ian made a face; that was so lame. Of course adults found a way to make magic school sort of lame, even if Ian still very much wished he could have gone and written essays in a magic castle like his siblings did. 

Luckily he was once again distracted, laughing at Ethan’s retort to his comment about bringing him vacuums. “Nah, if I had a vacuum shop I would have just hired you after the third vacuum, or at least tried to cut a deal or somethin’,” he answered with a chuckle. This was good. They were joking around, laughing. Normal. Except Ethan was still standing in his bedroom at his house and they were completely alone and thinking about it made Ian’s heart start speeding up again and his hands felt kind of sweaty. “Um.” Probably a cue it was time to just get out of here and go to Al’s. Instead of suggesting that, Ian went a different direction. “Everyone’s excited to meet you. You’re the first friend of mine they’ve ever met, other than Leo. And—well Leo’s great but that was more necessity, you know, ‘cause of Dirk joining Seb for tutoring.” Ian wasn’t sure why that mattered, but it felt like it did matter, and he felt like Ethan should know that. This was special. Ethan was special. “Um. I’m excited too, for you to meet them all,” he added with a bashful smile. “It’ll be cool.”

Inviting Ethan along to Al’s shouldn’t have felt like such a big deal. Al was always telling them to bring their friends along, especially this year now that the kids couldn’t see their friends at school anymore. Granted there had been a lot of reasons they never took Al up on that offer: the fact that Patty often liked to invite herself along, the fact that they didn’t want to impose on Al’s generosity, not to mention it was only the younger kids who even had that many friends they’d invite in the first place. But Cal had invited Wil along a few times so it only felt fair that Ian could invite Ethan this time. He’d tried to be casual about it, but it had been a relief when Sadie and Seb decided to bring friends along as well. It wasn’t just Ian shaking things up now. Ian was a little surprised Seb brought along Dirk instead of one of his other Gryffindor mates from school, but the pair did seem like they’d become fast friends and it had to be good for Dirk to be around people who didn’t remember him as the kid who went missing from Hogwarts. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too weird for Ethan. As if Ian’s whole family situation wasn’t weird enough. That stuff wasn’t Dirk’s fault though, so Ian was glad he was coming along to hang with some kids his own age. Henry coming too would be even better, the kids could all hang out together and no one would pay attention to him and Ethan.

Except Ian was quite certain Mac would be paying attention, and probably Cal because Mac had probably told Cal about their conversation. Probably waited to do it while Ian was at work so he wouldn’t overhear them. But it would be fine. Ethan had sounded like he was curious about meeting Al and his siblings and Ian didn’t see a reason not to bring him ‘round, at least once he knew Patricia wouldn’t be there. Ian just wished he didn’t feel so nervous about seeing Ethan. Which was stupid. There was nothing to be nervous about. Ethan was great and they were mates and it just so happened that Ethan fancied Ian and Ian fancied Ethan back and had no idea how to proceed with that information except that after talking about it with Mac he was pretty sure he wanted to be more than just friends with Ethan. He just wasn’t sure what that looked like or how to get there. Other than talking to Ethan about it, probably. But that felt like a big conversation to have right before introducing Ethan to his whole family. Maybe they could talk after. 

With that settled, Ian felt a little bit less nervous as he biked to the shop, grinning when he saw Ethan waiting there with his own bike. “Hey,” Ian greeted him with a wave as he stopped his bike. For a second he considered getting off and giving Ethan a hug or something, which was weird because he usually didn’t think about what he was doing when he touched Ethan. Or did anything with Ethan. Everything felt a little off-kilter now. Except there was still that warm happy feeling he felt when he saw Ethan. “You all set?” He said with a smile, waiting for Ethan’s confirmation before he nodded and led the way back to his house. This wasn’t the first time he’d had a friend to the house, since Leo had ended up coming over to get Dirk set up to tutor here. But bringing Ethan over—because Ethan was interested in seeing the house—felt a lot different than Leo coming by with his brother. Still, Patricia had been gone already before Ian left, and they’d just be stopping in on the way to Al’s. This was fine. “Here we are,” he said when they got to the house. “Come on, we can leave our bikes in the broom shed.” He hopped off his bike and walked it around to the backyard, pulling open the broom shed for them and showing Ethan where he could park his bike. “This is the best part of the house, really,” he added as they stepped back out into the backyard.

[yukidragon]

Hi again dearie~ Sorry but I don't know if you posted anything about it, but, do you have any of your beautiful theories on as to Why, the MC doesn't remember making the deal with Jack when they met him?

It's really raking my brain on if it's important, that they remember or not, and as to what caused them to forget and the reason behind it....

Gosh, you really flatter me with such high praise. Thank you! I’m glad you enjoy my theories so much. 💖

The fact that MC can’t remember what happened is quite interesting. We, the players, are given glimpses in both versions of the demo of at least some of the initial conversation between MC and Jack. The fact that we don’t get to see it all and that MC forgets it hints to me that whatever happened that day resulted in their special bond.

There’s not enough clues to indicate what exactly happened, but I do have my own personal headcanon that I’m using for Sunshine in Hell. I’ve briefly mentioned in past theories among other topics that I think Jack and MC made a deal that created a bond between their souls. Specifically, they have a piece of each other’s souls.

The reason why I think this is because of the threatening monologue Jack gives an unknown person. He mentions that a piece of him is in a place the person can never reach and it’s growing bigger and stronger. In the “no” route he “taking some part” of MC. I think this piece mentioned in both cases is a piece of their souls, which creates the connection.

Considering consent and Jack being literally unable to do anything MC doesn’t want is a big part of the story, this leads me to believe that MC willingly agreed to this exchange. They can also choose to end the deal at any time.

Now... given Jack might be able to make MC black out, as we’ve seen after their conversation with Ian, it’s possible that he intentionally made them forget the deal. This would obscure the details of it and the limits of what they both can do while minimizing the risk that they might choose to end the deal.

However, what I personally believe happen was that it was an unintentional side-effect of the deal. Jack has spent the past 40 years having his soul tormented in hell. MC has not had their soul meddled with. I think having a piece of their souls exchanged was too much for MC to take and they blacked out from the pain. I mean... we’re talking literally taking a piece of their soul and replacing it with someone else’s. Trauma from intense pain can lead to memory loss, hence why they forgot their first meeting with Jack and the deal they made.

Why it doesn’t cause the same amount of pain in the “no” route when Jack is taking more is probably because their souls are already bonded. It’s possible that he could make the process painless at that point, as he did surround them in a thick cotton candy haze that made it hard for them to think. It might even have been done specifically to avoid making them experience the same level of pain as before when making their bond deeper... with their consent of course.

Why doesn’t Jack tell them the deal? Well... I think we can all agree that MC would have probably freaked out suddenly having a giant clown in their apartment without any memory of who he was or how he got there. If he tells MC about the deal without them remembering that they agreed to it might make them choose to undo the deal, thus sending him back to hell.

Jack can’t let that happen.

Sure Jack is keeping secrets from MC and in ways lying by omission, but someday they’ll understand... they just have to trust him. It’s for the best. He just wants what’s best for them, and what’s best for them is if they stay together... forever.

Anyway, this is just what I think is going on. I could be totally wrong here. We’ll just have to see when the full game comes out when the truth is finally revealed...

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur  

[wine-dark-seashells]

Sharing my favourite LotR trivia off the top of my head just cause I can and it makes me feel happy

1. gandalf hitting his head on the beam in bag end was not scripted. ouch. poor ian mckellen

2. viggo mortensen got arrested once bc he was walking home after filming and was swinging a sword around still dressed as aragorn. this was not a smart decision on his part.

3. because he was afraid of flying in a helicopter, sean bean climbed a MOUNTAIN every single day they were filming caradhas to get to the set. it took him about two hours each way iirc.

4. to help make galadriel look more mysical and elf-like, they put fairy lights in front of cate blanchett so they reflected in her eyes. this was supposed to show that she'd seen the light of the two trees in valinor. i love it.

5. the scene in FotR where aragorn deflects a knife in from an uruk-hai was not supposed to happen. the stunt double was not supposed to let go of that knife. viggo almost died y'all.

6. i'm fairly sure viggo also broke a tooth at some point. not sure when tho

7. when the three hunters (legolas, aragorn, and gimli) were filming those panoramic shots running through rohan, every single one of them was injured. orlando bloom had like two broken ribs, viggo had broken his toes, and brett beattie (the size double for gimli) had two dislocated knees. they were given a bag of candy and told to run whenever they saw the helicopter coming. how is everyone involved with these movies not dead yet.

8. obligatory VIGGO BROKE HIS TOE IN THAT SCENE WHERE HE KICKED THE HELMET

9. a good percentage of the rohirrim on horses (the "men" of rohan) were actually women with beards bc they couldn't get enough men and there were many women with horses available

10. possibly the most cursed one on this list. andy serkis drank what he liked to call his "gollum juice" while on set. it was actually a mixture of lemon, honey, and ginger and was supposed to soothe his throat after talking himself hoarse while acting. gollum juice.

11. for that scene where the witchking of angmar is lifting his mace threateningly, peter jackson kept insisting it be bigger to look more threatening. the final product was so insanely heavy that there was someone helping lawrence makoare lift it bc he just,, couldn't. this person was lying on their back to do this. yes the outtakes are fucking hilarious.

12. i've seen this one making the round on social media but here it is anyways. when peter jackson was telling christopher lee how to act after he'd been stabbed, lee stopped him and just, oh so casually, informed the director that no, that's not what someone getting stabbed sounds like. christopher lee knew this because he'd been an intelligence officer in the RAF in world war 2. this is also your daily reminder that christopher lee was a fucking badass.

13. this is the last bc thirteen is a lot and i'm tired lol. the land where they filmed a bunch of the battle of pelennor fields was actually a testing ground for the new zealand army and just slightly filled with unexploded ordinance. they had to get special permission to film there. why there specifically? because it was the only place in new zealand that looked enough like a desert. again, how is everyone involved with these movies not dead yet???

anyways lmk if u want me to do a part two or whatever or even one for the hobbit. even tho i have my issues with the hobbit movies themselves, the behind the scenes trivia is funny lol.

[gardenerian]

Mel, I've noticed you've mentioned your abundance of feelings re: Monica a few times, but I don't know if I've read them (outside some thoughts in your tags). If you feel like sharing, I'd love to read your thoughts and feelings on Monica.

okay alright sure, feeling very normal about putting this into words, not nervous at all totally confident okay yeah here are my thoughts -

first off, i gotta say that I’m biased. i freely and fully admit that. there is far more grace in my heart for monica than there is for frank because there’s a part of us that’s intimately connected. as such, this isn’t so much a meta post as it is me trying to verbalize some very visceral emotions 😬

what compels me most about monica, like what i find so tragic about her, is all the ✨ what if ✨ energy baked into her story. what if she’d crawled through anyone else’s window instead of frank’s? what if she left him, but not her children? what if she’d stayed in treatment for the long haul? what could she have been? what if her terrible fucking choices weren’t so readily enabled, what if she had a partner who supported her health, what if she loved herself and her children enough to commit to them? to commit to her own stability? or like... was she always going to be like that? i don’t know. we can’t know. 

i firmly believe that two things can be true at once. monica was not a good parent. her illness did not cause this. ultimately, she probably should not have procreated. she made choice after choice that i would have fought against. but she was also a victim. she also suffered. she was so multidimensional, and it makes me absolutely insane when people write her off as just one thing. she was kind, but not when it mattered. she was selfish, but she loved so hard, even though that love was fleeting. she was warm, but she’d also burn them up. she was fun and so alive, but she valued fun and self-destruction more than her children.    

the gallagher siblings have every right to resent her. she did not do right by them, and she let them down at every turn. i understand why fiona kicks at her, why lip pushes her away. i get why ian is so fucking scared of her. debbie and carl are absolutely traumatized by her. liam looks at her and asks who she is.... like, this is their reality. when you have children, you really forfeit the right to tank yourself. as a mother, she failed in every sense. 

but as a character.... as a piece of a story..... as a story herself... i just think she’s something special. i can’t explain it. she’s important. she struggles and she suffers and she has such clear and specific experiences with this disorder that i can’t help but understand her. just a little bit. there are things that she does that make sense to me, just as there are things she does that make me want to shake her (this is true of every single character on this show, of course). 

i have monicas in my family. i am very lucky that they are not my parent. but i completely understand what it is to want someone to chose you over their indulgences and self-destruction. to want them to try fucking harder, to put the work in. to crave them and want them, but to also fucking hate them and then hate yourself for wanting them. like there are moments with these people where i have to duck out and remind myself that they are not my future. but i still see them. in a way, maybe that’s what monica is for me too. like she is for ian. i don’t know. she terrifies me, but she’s fascinating. 

[i-want-my-iwtv]

I hope the rumours of Louis being a brothel owner aren't true, but if they are I can sort of see why they're going for this route? I mean, with a black Louis they can't have him being a slaver anymore, so maybe they're trying to find something that is also morally reprehensible for him to be.

TL;DR: My kneejerk reaction was to be saddened, and I don’t like that this is starting up, and will continue to fuel, fandom drama. Ultimately, if we want peace, we’ll embrace the fact that the existence of this adaptation doesn’t take away from the existence of the books, and it also doesn't mean we have to acknowledge it.

It makes me wonder whether AMC wants us to make a storm about this. We’ll see...

After all, what makes this adaptation any more important than the graphic novels of the ’90s, the graphic novel Claudia’s Story, movie!IWTV, or movie!QOTD? In fact, many fans here on tumblr consider VC to be a trilogy only!!! and don’t accept the majority of the PUBLISHED CANON so what makes anyone think we have any obligation to swallow this AMC adaptation as some kind of gospel?

I see movie!QOTD as a buffet of ideas carried in an official fanfiction work, and I don’t accept as my headcanon the various things it changed about the books that I didn’t particularly like, such as merging Magnus and Marius (which, IMO, effectively made both characters more morally reprehensible). I accepted the things I did enjoy, like casting a Black/POC actress to play Akasha. I see this AMC adaptation as a buffet of ideas, some can be taken, and some not, it’s just another official fanfiction work.

[Anon, I need to catch other ppl up on the information, too.]

Deadline.com informs us that in the AMC adaptation for Interview with the Vampire, Jacob Anderson has been cast as Louis. I'm not familiar with him, but it looks like he’s a successful actor, from Game of Thrones and other things, he’s also joining Series 13 of Doctor Who. I’ll have to check him out from an acting standpoint!

Aside from his talent as an actor, this is by far the most controversial thing that's happened in VC fandom recently. I've been thinking about this for a few months now, talking about it privately online and offline, still gathering my thoughts. So this post is not engraved in stone, it’s initial thoughts on this.

I’m glad to see ppl talking about it and I’m sure we’ll have more public discussions. I’m trying to discuss it very carefully, but also, this is an entertainment blog, my opinions are mine alone, and I’m not looking for dogpiling on anyone, I have no obligation to respond publicly or privately to anything. Plenty of other ppl have differing opinions on this. So take all of the following with more than a grain of salt, I’m not being salty, I’m providing the links to the little info we’ve seen pulicly, I’m giving my initial thoughts, and I’m also trying to add a little levity because ultimately, again, this is an entertainment blog, and I try to add a little humor to help with such serious topics, humor can help ppl talk about controversial things.

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The casting of a POC/Black actor (I’m sorry I don't know the preferred terminology, let me know if you know what Anderson prefers) confirms at least one part of theilluminerdi articles that stated that Louis’ race will be different from the books. I didn’t post about these before bc I wasn’t sure how reliable theilluminerdi’s sources are (and I'm still not sure), but this was one major aspect that theilluminerdi announced before Deadline did, so now seems to be the right time to share those articles. For now, you can go check them out yourselves rather than have my reposting of the information, trigger warning: mentions of sex workers and race in the changes to the canon story of Interview with the Vampire.

>>>theilluminerdi articles from May 21, 2021 and July 15, 2021:

www.theilluminerdi.com/2021/05/21/interview-with-the-vampire-amc

www.theilluminerdi.com/2021/07/15/interview-with-the-vampire-amc-2

^Meme of Dr. Ian Malcom from Jurassic Park reads: “Your writers were so preoccupied with whether they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I’m using that meme with a little levity here, clearly an AMC adaptation of vampires in which the producers/writers have chosen to change the race of a main character (arguably the original protagonist of the series) isn’t in the same VICINITY as the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park that broke out of containment and killed visitors to the park, but John Hammond’s intention for the creation of that park was very good, as I assume this race change was intended. Time will tell.

“But with this place, I wanted to show them something that wasn't an illusion. Something that was real, something that they could see and touch. An aim not devoid of merit.”

“Creation is an act of sheer will.” 

- John Hammond, Jurassic Park

Race is a more complicated subject than ever, so for AMC to make this bold change, I hope they have POC and Black writers on staff and are handling this very carefully. Even then, no racial group, including POC and Black people, are a hivemind, disagreements are bound to happen in the writing room, whether in good faith or bad. People have different intentions and motives, compromises will probably be made with the story in many ways, we all know how it goes with collaborations; the end product is a shared vision among multiple creators. This could be a potentially controversial adaptation, I don’t know whether they’re aiming for that or not, but with the elements it has so far, it seems to be headed that way.

Here's a comment by "Angellus" on the 5/21 article. It's undeniable that there's going to be the accusation of racism thrown at anyone who has any negative view of this change, regardless of their reasons. I find it unfair and narrow-minded that any negative response is automatically assumed to be coming from a racist point of view. To say that changing Louis' race is unequivocally an improvement fails to take into account how that change has a Domino effect on all of the other parts of the story. Not the least of which is that, if he is still a slaver/slave holder/plantation owner/(insert your preferred term) that adds a whole new racist element to his owning Black/POC people, even though, apparently there were Black/POC plantation owners. 

Not the least of which: How will this change impact his relationship with Lestat? Particularly when Lestat has the added issue of being described in those articles as having “mind control abilities” and “insistent that he gets what he wants and when facing rejection,” a terrible combination in terms of consent, even in a relationship of the same race, let alone invoking Caucasian/white dominance over Black/POC people, AND Lestat being the catalyst to Louis’ questioning his sexuality:

Lestat is insistent that he gets what he wants and when facing rejection, petulance can quickly turn to ruthless rage which causes frenzied acts of horrifically brutal violence. Lestat also has mind control abilities. Lestat initially infuriates Louis, but this soon turns to fascination which leads Louis to question his religion and sexuality. 

^Screencap reads: "I love how racist everyone is in the damn comments, this doesn’t pervert the story you’re all racist and it’s disgusting. I’m looking forward to it, I hope you keep crying your salty racist tears asswipes."

It makes me question whether Angellus truly believes what they wrote, if this is an ideology, or a troll. I would suggest their use of the term “pervert” is correct though, pervert means: “alter (something) from its original course, meaning, or state to a distortion or corruption of what was first intended.” That’s what this race change does, factually. Although, in this context, “distortion or corruption” carries a negative connotation. It would take a lot to show how this change does not meet the definition or “to pervert,” though.

I hope the rumours of Louis being a brothel owner aren't true

I agree 1,000%, I was hoping that these were just rumors. But, aside from the race change, if this were the only change, I find Louis being a brothel owner to be equivalently morally reprehensible to being a slaver/slave holder/plantation owner/(insert your preferred term). Ideally, they’d change his career to something that doesn’t involve benefiting from the bodies/labor of others in any morally reprehensible manner.

I mean, with a black Louis they can't have him being a slaver anymore, so maybe they're trying to find something that is also morally reprehensible for him to be.

He might still be a slaver. Who knows. Being morally reprehensible as a mortal man didn’t seem to me to be crucial to the story, but they still could have chosen something better. It seems to me like they want a brothel so they can have eye candy for an audience who want to see sex workers, maybe full frontal nudity. 

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What also gets my attention is that Anne and Christopher Rice have not yet posted publicly about it, which leads me to believe that this change wasn’t their choice. They take every chance to brag when they’re proud of something, every chance to crowdsource about casting ideas or which VC books Anne’s fans liked best, etc., and in this case, as of Aug. 31, 2021, (and to be fair, maybe I missed it), I haven’t seen either of them post about this on the official VC FB, Anne Rice’s FB, Annerice.com, Christopher Rice’s FB, or christopherricebooks.com. If it had been their choice, I think they would have gladly trumpeted their credit by now, but maybe they’re waiting to do it in a specific venue. Time will tell.

[grabmyboner]

Hi, Zo! I hope you don’t mind I screenshot your tags:) Cause I love your tags and I DO wanna talk about Cam and Noel being secure enough to do this. It’s one of my favorite aspects of them as actors in these roles. I think that’s why Ian and Mickey are so believably in love, because Cam and Noel don’t hold back a bit in their performances. They aren’t timid when they touch each other, they use very visible tongue when they kiss, they are just so clearly comfortable with one another. That’s not nothing when we’re talking about two straight men convincingly portraying a gay couple madly in love. And I think they both sat down off camera and really talked about what they wanted that relationship to look like on screen and were able to pull that off so believably and beautifully. I saw an interview with Cam from a few years ago where he said he and Noel had developed a bit of a shorthand when working together and likened it to musicians who have played together for a long time being able to riff off of one another. And that sometimes Noel will play something in an unexpected way and Cam will throw something back at him and vice versa. Them being able to do that so well, in my opinion, is what makes Mickey and Ian so lovely to watch.

Referring to the HoS “blooper” kiss specifically, I love how they slip in and out of character and so much of Cam and Noel shine through as they try out different sayings. It’s so fun and again, shows how comfortable they are together and how well they can play off of each other on the fly. I have no real evidence to support this, but I fully believe that Noel’s “come over here with that sweet lovin’ mouth” line was completely off the cuff and he intended it to be a much sweeter version of the “cock pocket, Clay Aiken pie hole” etc. line and Cam went in for a kiss, matching Noel’s more tender line. I believe it to be all improv at that point and that they just went for it knowing they were only about half in character was so awesome to me. They are so comfortable with themselves and with each other and that just shines through anytime they are onscreen together.

This got long, sorry!

You’re so so sooooo correct!!!

They are both such incredible actors and them being so secure and ok with themselves is the reason their characters work so well.

Like I don’t think I’ve seen any two same sex characters have such good chemistry on screen that doesn’t even seem slightly forced. Like they don’t seem forced at all, it doesn’t feel like I’m watching two actors playing a same sex couple it feels like two real men in a real same sex relationship and that’s insane and just a testament to how talented they are.

I could talk about this till the cows come home, it just blows my mind and makes me so proud of two people I don’t even know lmaoooo

[anonymous-tals]

Oops, I projected my mental health issues onto a fictional character that is similar to me.  Time to write fanfiction, I guess!

TW: Eating Disorders.  If you are struggling or are in recovery from an eating disorder, here’s a big ol’ trigger warning.  There are no numbers or specifics about anything but it does center around Brad Bakshi of the show Mythic Quest struggling with his eating disorder.

This is not in an attempt to glamorize eating disorders(not that I wrote anything that would but just in case someone misinterprets this).  Eating disorders are not cute or quirky.  They are serious illnesses that lead to death.  If you are struggling with an eating disorder, you deserve recovery.  Please reach out for help to a trusted adult.

National Eating Disorder Association 1-800-931-2237

One last trigger warning for eating disorders before we begin!  I hope the writing isn’t trash.  If you have any critiques, feel free to comment them.  I hope you enjoy the story(if this is cringey, future me, you have permission to murder me right now):

Brad’s eyes opened, squinting as he tried to adjust to the harsh lights.  He looked around the room, confused as to where he was.  After a couple of seconds, he identified the room as a hospital room.  There was a lady sitting on a chair by the door reading a book.  Adjusting himself, Brad slowly sat up, his head aching as he did.  The lady perked up as she noticed Brad had awakened.

“Oh!  You’re awake!”, she said, calmly, putting down her book.

“Where-Where am I?”, said Brad.

“You’re in the hospital, sir.”  Brad looked around the room.  The walls were a cool green.  Typical nature photos shuffled through on a tv that was mounted on the wall in front of his bed as it waited to be used.  There was a thin door that he guessed was either a bathroom or a closet.  Brown cupboards lined the walls.  He moved his arm only to notice there was a tube attached to it.

“What the hell happened?”, he thought.  The previous day, or what he presumed to be the previous day, had been foggy.  Well, pretty much everyday lately had been a blur.

“I’m going to go tell a nurse you’re awake so we can do weights and vitals.”  A pang of fear struck him at the sound of the word weight.  Someone else was going to see what he weighed.  His thoughts were racing.

“Just take a deep breath.”, he thought.  He tried to calm himself down by looking around the room.  He noticed there was a card on the counter beneath the cabinets.  Curiosity got the best of him and he stood up.  Stars popped into his vision and he steadied himself before making his way to the counter.  The tube was just barely long enough for him to reach it.  The cover read, ‘Get well soon!’.  Brad walked back to the hospital bed and sat on the edge of the mattress.  “I wonder who it’s from?”, he thought, opening the card.  “I can’t believe you are in the hospital!  You appeared so healthy.  Get well, soon, motu.”

“Brad Bakshi?”, a nurse called from the doorway.  He looked up, tossing the card into a trash can by the bed.  The lady who had been sitting in the room with him walked in and sat down again, opening her book.  “Hello, I’m Amanda Armstrong and I’ll be your nurse today.  Do you know why you’re here?”, she said.

“No.”, Brad replied, shortly.

“Well, you were brought here by…”, she looked down at a clipboard she was holding.  “...Ian Grimm?  Does that name sound familiar?”

“Yes, he’s my boss.”  Brad kept his voice calm but his heart was starting to quicken.  Memories from the day previous began to surface.

“Well, he said you had fainted while walking up a flight of stairs.”  Brad’s calm demeanor cracked as the memories flooded back.

“Oh...yah.  I remember that.”

“Yes, well, you got a concussion.  Thankfully, it isn’t too bad.”

“When will I be getting out?”, Brad said, shaking away his feelings of anxiety.

“Well, let’s take your vitals first and then we can discuss that.  Come with me.”  Brad followed Amanda out into the hall.  They didn’t walk for long but the environment made him feel uneasy.  There was something surreal about it.  Or maybe it was the fact that he felt a little light headed that made everything feel a bit off.  “We’ll be in here.”, said Amanda, opening the door.  Brad entered the room, surveying his surroundings.  It looked like a typical room for check-ups.  Amanda made her way to the computer sitting on the desk and started logging in and opening a file.  “Ok, let’s do your vitals.  I’m going to ask you to lay down and stay still, please!”  She walked over to the wall where a weird machine stood.  “I’m just going to put this on your arm, if you’d roll up your sleeve for me.”  Brad rolled up his sleeve and she velcroed what appeared to be something relating to blood pressure.  “Ok, I’m going to need you to answer honestly.  Have you had any feelings of depression or sadness?”

“Excuse me?”, said Brad, startled, sitting up.

“Please lay down, Mr.Bakshi.  Begrudgingly, Brad lay down.

“Why on earth are you asking me this?”, said Brad, frustrated.

“Well…”, she hesitated.  “Ok, I’m going to be direct with you here.  Your boss reported that you hadn’t been eating much and you have been appearing to be quite fatigued and dizzy.  Right now, we’re doing your vitals to see what we’ll need to do.”

“Are you implying that I have an eating disorder?  I’ll tell you right now that I don’t.”

“Well, the lanugo is telling a different story.  Now, please, let’s go through the questions.”  The nurse asked the questions while doing the vitals despite Brad giving short, passive aggressive answers.

“Ok, time for weight and height.”  Brad's heart quickened.

“Do we have to?”

“I’m going to have you turn around.  You won’t even see it!”  He stepped onto the scale as he tried to hide his growing panic.

“You fat idiot.  If you restricted more, maybe you wouldn’t be so anxious right now.  You wouldn’t even be here, I bet!  You fat, stupid, fatty-”

“Ok, you can step off!”  The nurse's voice interrupted his thoughts and he stepped off the scale.  Ok, let’s do your height.

She measured his height and then went over the computer and input the information.

“Ok.  So, here’s what we’ve got going on here, Mr.Bakshi.  Your vitals are showing symptoms of anorexia and so is your BMI.”

“BMI is garbage.”, Brad said dismissively.

“Well, that doesn’t disregard any of the other information.  I can’t force you to do anything since you’re an adult but I would highly suggest going into inpatient care.”

“For the last time, I don’t have an eating disorder!  Sorry, I care about my health!  I thought losing weight was a good thing!”  The nurse sighed before closing out of the tabs on the computer.

“Well, you can think it over during the next couple days.  You’ll need to stay here to make sure your head is okay.”  Rolling his eyes, Brad scoffed.

“Fine, whatever.  My decision won’t change, though!”

They headed back to the room and Brad sat down on his bed.  He stared at the tv.  It had just faded to a picture of a monarch butterfly on a purple flower.  His gaze travelled across the room until it fell onto the card he had thrown in the trash can.

“I bet I wouldn’t even get diagnosed with anything.  I’m too fat.  I need to be thinner.  I’m not even that bad.  I need to be that bad, though.”  Just then, a sharp knock on the door halted his thoughts in their tracks.  Brad looked up to see David standing at the doorway with a balloon and a gift bag.

  “Great, just what I needed.”, said Brad, sarcastically.

“Nice to see you too, Brad.”  Brad rolled his eyes in response.  “The office was really worried about you!  You sure took a tumble.  Anyways, here’s a balloon!  And a gift!  Courtesy of your friends at the office!”

“Interesting.  I didn’t consider you guys as friends.”, Brad replied coldly.

“What do you want me to say, then?  Huh?  Courtesy of everyone you annoy and pester?”  Brad looked away, not responding.  He was finding it harder and harder to keep his emotions hidden underneath.

“Listen, David.  I don’t care about you guys and you guys don’t care about me and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“I’m sorry we’re decent enough human beings to care about other people.”

“Pshh, you don’t care about me.  You just want to feel good about yourselves so you can feel like you’re a decent human being.  So you can stop pretending you care about me because you don’t, ok?  No one does.”  His emotions were slipping through.  He could feel his eyes welling up but he wouldn’t allow the tears to fall.

“Come on, Brad.  Of course people care about you!  Your brother for example!  He’s a great guy!  He threw you that awesome birthday party, remember?”  Brad sat still, not responding.  “Earth to Brad, anyone in there?”, David said, giving a small laugh.

“Shut up!”  Brad shouted loudly, causing David to wince.  “My brother is a horrible person.  He has gone out of his way to ruin my life.  In fact, he is ruining my life right now.”  His voice cracked as a tear broke through.

“Brad, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize-”

“Just leave, ok?  Please just leave.”  Brad’s heart began to beat faster.  “You idiot.”, he thought.  “You let him see that you’re weak.  You are weak.  You’re just a fat, weak, pussy.”  His breathing was getting quicker and quicker.  The room started to spin.  It felt like everything was happening all at once.  Just then, he felt a hand on each of his shoulders.

“Take a deep breath, ok?”, said David.  Brad hesitated before taking a deep breath in and letting it out.  “In, 2, 3, 4.  Out, 2, 3, 4.  In, 2-”  Slowly Brad began to calm down.  He opened his eyes, not even realizing that he had closed them.  “Better?”, asked David, taking a step back.  Brad looked towards the window, avoiding eye contact, wiping the tears from his face.  He tried to think of something witty to say but he was too tired.  They were both quiet for a bit before David broke the silence.  “Well, I have to go but I-”

“Stay.  Please.”  Brad didn’t break eye contact with the window.

“I...I guess I could stay.”  David pulled up the chair that the lady had been in earlier.  They sat there in silence for a while before David grabbed the remote for the TV.  “Are you good with me putting something on?”  Brad stayed quiet.  “I’ll take that as a yes!”  He scrolled through the small selection of movies before choosing something and relaxing into his chair.

…

They sat there for a while.  Movies played while David talked about what had happened at the office that day.  Poppy and Ian created an obstacle course to see who was better.  Not better at one specific thing.  Just better in general.  Brad didn’t respond but every once in a while, a small smile would crack through.

“Well, it’s getting late so I think I should actually get going.”, David said, standing up and started walking out the door.  Just before he left, Brad spoke.

“Thank you...for staying and all.”  He, once again, wasn’t making eye contact.

“Of course, man.  It’s no big deal!”  There was a pause before Brad spoke again.

“They want me to do an inpatient program.”

“Oh?  For…”  David trailed off.

“Yah…”  Brad started fidgeting with the corner of the blanket on the bed.  “I don’t know what to do.  Whether I should go or not.”

“Well, I’d say you should do what you think would benefit you best.”, said David, taking a couple steps towards him.  Brad was silent.

“...Thanks, David.”

David gave a small wave as he walked out the door.  Brad sat there awake for a while, unable to sleep.  He sat there, listening to the sounds of the hospital through the door.  A woman, presumably a nurse, poked her head in the room.  “Would you like to order dinner?”  Brad shook his head and the nurse left.  He then spotted the gift bag that David had brought.  He picked it up and removed the tissue paper stuffed in at the top.  Inside there was a pig plush and a card.  The plushy was adorable and very soft.  He pet the pig plush, enjoying the soothing texture, before placing it in his lap and moving onto the card.  It was your typical get better soon card.  On the inside, there were either signatures or little get well messages from everyone.  It seemed like the pig plush was Jo’s idea.  Brad leaned over and placed the card on the side table next to his bed.  He looked at it for a minute before grabbing the pig, getting under the covers and falling asleep.