#wht is wrong with me
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9.2k words........ I finished writing chapter 13.....
#speculation nation#itnl shit#i was at. oh god. like 5k or so before i started writing today????#wht is wrong with me#anyways im feeling some emotions after that last scene. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#gonna... grab some food... then start trying to edit...
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why do i feel like erik would get a little jealous at how attached charles is to the cat and how much attention it’s getting from him
erik 'michael' 'magnus' 'max' lehnsherr is above getting jealous over a cat ok he knows charles loves him more than a silly lil furless furball
Magneto however.
#snap chats#ik max his birth name but the alliteration was right there ....... sue me officer i love me some alliteration .....#evil helmet talking to him like the green goblin mask tho like 'crash a yacht so charles has to pay attention to you'#i think erik donning the magneto persona just to get charles' attention is the funniest shit i can conceive of at 1AM on a school night#like bro he is not replacing you with a cat ... i prommy .... put the boat down#put the boat down change outta your outfit and go have a wine night with your husband There Problem Solved#the cat cant drink wine .... checkmate ....#anyways i legally cant write another story about a man getting jealous over a cat but we can definitely crack jokes about it#spaekin of stories ... ao3 time ... my ass aint even readin cherik tf wrong with me#if im gonna dick over my sleep schedule can it at lesat be topical Never. Absolutely Never#good night everyone i will see you all in a minute :}}}#that smile so evil .. wht is that... :} lil frog mouth ... a frog aint evil i rescind that adjective#ok bye bybe :}
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i think when talking abt defunctland not enough people acknowledge that kevin is so fucking funny. the most recent example is of course the wiggles dark ride video. the repitition of toot toot chugga chugga big red car has me in tears every time i watch it. the way he says everything in the most deadpan way so that some people wouldnt even realize he's being a silly guy in order to keep the informational tone of the video. i just think he's neat.
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hes soooooooooooooooo fond of her and this family.....
#tani's personal shit#fic tag#finished my hw im gonna try keyword TRY to write this ;o;#writing fic for a new fandom always makes me a bit nervous... wht if i get them wrong? ive only been pondering them for like. a couple day
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daniel smileymoth, known for beautiful quotes such as: "he does make a good girl" (about jack manifold) and "hurting yourself is just a hobby"
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idk not being able to trust ur own memories thoughts and feelings and constantly second guessing everything u think and do is no way to live
#idk but i feel like im always gaslighting myself n idek whts real or true or right. thoughts w past bad experiences#like I’ve just completely forgotten them. n idk ive had dissociative amnesia growing up w trauma#n it kinda feels like it’s the same thing where i just can’t remember like for so long it was the only thing keeping me up at night#and it makes me feel like a fraud.#I do doubt myself alot. like i always rhink in the bad person and in the wrong from bad experiences I’ve had w ppl#but like what if im not acc wrong n tht they were just harmful n i was struggling w it idk.#i hate thinking of myself as a victim and think im far more likely just a bad person#but everyone around me thinks the exact opposite even therapist so idk it’s like my own perception is so different to others#journal
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dreams after a long time of not doing it
The dream: chilchuck apparently owning a very large truck ????
#why is he in my dreams 🤨 wrong grumpy old man brain GSJWGDJD#he overshadowed someone that bothered me in the past in the dream so hes cool for that :) ty chucklefuck for being the main focus#brosif rambles#idk wht he was doing just stuff he does ig i dont remember much#i think the first dream half was a new episode of dungeon meshi thas why#like one my brain made up
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Just the way the wider community treats those like me makes it so hard for me to ever feel good about myself.
#Cade.Vnt#sorry for venting butim sad.#i can never fit into what peopls think transmasc people should be#im always too this or too that. i feel like a joke and like im faking it all the time#and it feels like no one ever wants to listen to me or hear whT i want or feel like i need to say#im not skinny im nit the thin attractive passing transmasc#im a fat big chested non passing Person n it just feels isolating and suffocating.#my body is all wrong and i cant stand itb i dont think ill ever feel at home init.#icfeel unwanted and unloved and like i dont mattr.#idk where im going w this i guess its just hard trying to exist as i am#when it sseems like mg own community hates me n cishet/non queer people hate me too.
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LIKE IDK its honestly a Not Serious issue im just mad that doctors act Like That
#frank.txt#so condescending and rude while being objectively wrong#i love when walk in clinic doctors look at a problem#and just go 'i dont know' and end the appointment early bc they dont know.#at least my brain and eye doctors are chill.#th small doctor team for my stupid brain disease is rlly great. i just need to figure out whts wrong w the rest of me#which is impossible to do bc there are like No good walk in clinic doctors. ive never been to a good one
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I feel like imma go insane I Need someone to talk to About the moon Knight comics PLEASE . Yall are gonna call me insane but the way Jake made me giddy in this panel is- IDK WHATS WRONG WITH ME
#moon knight#jake lockley#send help I am going clinicly insane for this man Why???? whTs wrong with me????
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might go back to therapy cause its rough now but i know i need to prepare for something coming down the line
#i'm gonna upfront say 'no cbt and if possible someone used to dealing with possibly autisitc people or at least black and white thinking'#cause cbt just makes me so defensive cause when they're like 'but maybe it wasn't wht they were thinkibg but sctually yiu' (while true)#causes my brain to go 'so you are wrong. you are the bad one. it's your fault.' and then i spiral#also please pray for me i get someone who gets stumped cause im aware of where alot of my behaviours come from#GIRL I'VE SELF ANALYSED FROM A YOUNG AGE I THOUGHT I WAS DOING CRIMINAL MINDS SHIT AND NOW I LIVE IN MY INTERNAL THOUGHTS ABOUT EVERYTHJNG#and you going 'hm. it's difficult since you are so aware' DOES NOT HELP ME. GIVE ME TOOLS. HELP MEEEE'
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Hey, absolutely no pressure for anyone to respond, but if you were heavily parentified as a child, what's something that a non-parent, non-professional adult (like a nanny/ babysitter) could have done that you would have found helpful?
#this isn't like a random question btw it does have a real-world application#again please don't feel like you have to respond if you don't want to for any reason#parentification tw#but like jfc I want this kid to have a childhood???#and I have a very limited ability to do anything about that#and I had mostly different problems when I was her age so I can't just do wht I wish someone would've done for me bc Idk what that would be#and I don't wanna well-meaningly do the wrong thing as I'm wont to do#I feel like 'validate her complaints' and 'play make-believe games' are a start but is there something else I'm missing?
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well ok i had a little bit of fun for a while. time to go back to feeling like i need to cut my heart right out of my chest just to prove its there
#having a funny sort of day. i am running rtl into the absolute ground#it literally gets me by moment to moment but last time it made me sad about jesus. whts wrong with me
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Keep thinking of the yakuza “fantheory” that crack and meth are very common in the series but we dont see it because kiryu just doesnt know about it
#Yakuza loveblog#and nishikiyama will kill people who try to offer drugs to his brother#and majima stopped doing crack when he got his own family so he never got to invite kiryu into the tiny bathroom to do drugs together#like what if they were just literally high and kiryu is like woah this person is behaving erratically. must have woke up wrong#i keep saying this but i believe that nishiki is clearly the more competent brother betwen them. of course they both have their strengths#which allowed kiryu in particular to shine but long before that nishiki was doing far better than him#and it Showed. my guy had his own car and a bustling social life and a life plan thinking ten steps ahead and kiryus like. i beat up a guy#for twenty dollars just now and i will continue to do so. like this man is not earning money for his family or himself#but he is very very adaptable to life and desth situations which not a lot of people can say and the fact rhat he keeps surviving makes him#seem very impressive but thats literally cause the story is about him#nishikiyama is more competent but kiryu absolutely cannot be killed and together they would have been unstoppable#i really think they have a perfect dynamic. like nishiki and kiryu ... then majima and saejima. they make two perfect pairs#also it turns me into a crazy person to think bout majima not swearing an oath with literally anybody because he was waiting for saejima to#come back ... he really saved a spot for him in his heart ... because like hes irreplacable to him because he loves him ..!!!!!#i just love two bros who know each other so well and will kill for each other#which makes me laugh because again when saejima saw that majima died in the news he had a fucking moment and then acted like he didnt give a#shit like he wasnt even mad he was just like man ... wht the hell ... and kiryu got so pissed that he punched something
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vegeterian corndogs and sausage on a stick u r my kryptonites
#ik i spelled vegetarianrn wrong but idc#anyways i literally just confirmed my death w the stars n like#I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONGGGGGG I KNEWWW FROM THE GET GO!!!#n ppl tried to make me seem crazy 'ohhh ur fine its not gonna happen to u blahblah ur gonna live forever bc u said u wont haha'a'a#ANUBIS IS LITERALLLLYYYY IN MY 6th HOUSE!!!!!!!! LIKE LITERALLY SITTING RIGHT THERE BETWEEN NEPTUNE AND URANUS LOL#this astrobthc was like 'wooooo be carefulllllll dont go seeking death or else death will seek u everyday ooooooo'#n im like first of all ive been obsessed w finding out my demise for the last 5 years tbh#i already had like a theory in mind ive just been looking for confirmation for a while AND NOW IM P SURE I GOT MY CONFIRMATION#the god of death AKA ANUBIS AKA the asteroid that represents sewerslide is in my 6th house AKA house of health otherwise known as#a literal fucking dumspter fire in my case#i started researching cancer/medical in the chart n am finding mind correlations btwn my sources n my chart#AND ALSOOOOO MY MOM'S CHART!! but even moreso w mine bc my 6th house n its occupants/rulers are so fuckedddd lollzlzkzfnkd#rahu ketu as well..........its not fair why is being a leo rising so beautiful yet so full of suffering huh??#u can shit talk leos all u want like personally i love leos but there is a COMPLETE difference ebtween sun vs asc leos n like#asc leos continuously encounter traumatic experiences from birth to death but are extremely resilient (or at least they appear so outwardly)#its not fair these people who are literally so beautiful n full of life and potential are dragged thru the fckin mud and concrete n for why.#like marilyn monroe has a leo ASC n a 8th house pisces cusp like me lolz#anyways idc wht that tiktok girl said bc its not like i 'went seeking' for answers blindly like ive BEEN SEEKING for years and i KNEW#what i was looking for n when i found it i was just like YOOOO I KNEW IT it was literally just confirmation for something i KNEW ok#anubis can come stalk me all he wants but like bro ur not slick i knew u were coming for me since like 6th grade lmao#anubis is kinda hot tbh maybe we can like fall in love idk probs not bc im ltierally ugly n insane n not his type but like idk#anyways!!!!!! thats enough otuta me lol#i think im gonna go back to therapy JUST so i can talk about my birth chart interpretations w my therapist lolll#astro vents
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i want affection and connection w someone but im also just so disheartened and disappointed by ppl…
#i rlly do think im unloveable tbh#I’ve used dating apps for so many years now n lit haven’t gotten anywhere w them#it’s just the same thing#speak once or twice have a good convo then they ghost or unmatch#even tho there’s no indication why like the convo was easy going and fun it just comes out of nowhere#n it always makes me feel there’s something wrong w me tht ppl do this#ik deep down it’s just ppls choices n tht it doesn’t reflect me#but idk why i have such a hard time meeting ppl and dating#n it’s embarrassing only ever having one relationship n im 25 this year#i can’t even meet new ppl bc ppl just don’t communicate n don’t match the same effort#it’s left me feeling hopeless and cba w dating in general#i used to think me being trans was the barrier in me meeting ppl#but there’s other ppl around me who r trans who have no problem whatsoever#so idk wht it is#journal
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