#whoops almost forgot the most important part lol

[aiizaph]

Folks, it is once again doomed lustful gay t4t aro4aro angstful yearning hours again.

[jgvfhl]

Number Lads!!

GUYS I hit 700 followers today?? Amazing. So, I worked extra hard to get this part up and finished for ya!

Part 2/??? Read Part 1 here :) Words: about 4k, no warnings

So I remembered the Battle of Kamino is a thing. And I had just put Sevenset in Rancor battalion. Whoops! But, if you know anything about me, you know nothing really bad happens.

CT-2222 = Do-si-do = Double Trouble

CT-3333 = Trees = Green Bean

CC-6666 = Sixes = DEATH

ARC-7777 = Sevenset = ARCBoiiiii

CT-8888 = Loops = Loopy

Reading the inventory lists from the datapad in his hands was increasingly difficult. Loops rubbed his eyes and shook his head roughly, trying to refocus, to put the overwhelming feeling of helplessness behind him. The whole Wolfpack felt similarly. Every announcement over the PA system made them jump. General Koon was using his limited free time to gather with groups of troopers to help ease their minds, and it was helping, but the general had chosen an uphill battle.

Kamino was under attack. The closest thing any clone had to a home, and the Separatists were trying to destroy it. The Wolfpack hadn’t been called to the front, as was their normal position. When the battle cleared, and the dust settled, they would be there to help pick up the pieces, until another assignment called them away.

So they waited.

Worse for Loops, he knew Sevenset was in the thick of things, following the ARC commanders at the helm of the defensive actions. He knew the ARCs were the best soldiers on Kamino, and he knew the 501st and 212th had boots on the ground as well, and Generals Ti, Skywalker, and Kenobi would be there with them. He knew this. But it barely helped ease his worries.

Technically, the next Numbers meeting wouldn’t be for another three weeks, but Do-si-do had commed everyone to ask if they wanted to move up the date because of the battle. Obviously, they hadn’t heard much from Sevenset. Or from Commander Sixes, but that wasn’t as much of a worry. He was a commander, he had a whole Star Fighter wing to lead into battle. Still, the radio silence only made Loops more uneasy. But Trees and Loops had agreed to meet with Do-si-do, at least, and that would start in about ten minutes.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Loops tried to put aside the gnawing worry in his mind to finish this inventory before the meeting. It wouldn’t be fair to hand over a half-finished inventory to the next guy on shift. So he slogged through it, walking around the denoted section of the Lightbolt’s cargo hold, reading the crates, scrolling through his datapad, until he was finally done. As he left the hold, he handed off the device to Tanner, one of the officers overseeing inventory at the moment.

“All set, sir.”

“Thanks, Loops. Get some rest.”

“Will do.”

He didn’t rest, not really. When he got to his bunk, he propped himself up against his pillow at the head of his bunk, waiting the last few minutes until Do-si-do sent the transmission to start the meeting.

“Hey, Loops.”

He looked up at the face looking upside down at him from the top bunk. “Hey, Racket.” Loops was always grateful his bunkmate never complained about some of the late-night Numbers Meetings.

“How you holding up?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“I know you’ve got a buddy in Rancor, just wanted to check in.”

The knot of worry in his gut tightened. “Yeah.” His voice felt hollow. “Thanks, Racket.”

“Haven’t heard anything yet, huh?”

Loops shook his head. “Two and Three and I are having a call soon to talk it out.”

“Ah,” Racket said, “I’ll give you some space.”

“Thanks,” Loops said, although his brother’s head had already retreated to his own bunk. Right on cue, his comm blinked its light. He hadn’t had the chance to get a holoprojector today. But he would be able to hear the others.

“Hey, Trees,” Do-di-do’s voice had a smile in it. “Loops?”

“Couldn’t get a projector today, sorry,” Loops said. “I can still hear you.”

“Oh, good.”

“Hi, Loops,” Trees said.

“Hey, Trees.”

“How’s the Pack?” Do-si-do asked.

Loops shrugged, before remembering they couldn’t see him. “It’s… well, you know. Everyone’s on edge. The general’s been helping though.”

Trees agreed. “Yeah, General Unduli and Commander Offee have been holding group mediations for the ones who want it.”

“I’ve heard General Windu’s working on that too, but…. He’s busy as all hell.”

“Yeah, High Generals usually are,” Loops said.

“Anyone else… find it kinda weird, though?” Do-si-do furthered.

“What do you mean?”

“Like… I dunno. I didn’t expect the Jedi to care this much.”

“Oh,” Trees said flatly.

“I mean--obviously, they care if Kamino is attacked,” he went on. “Because it’s producing the whole damn army, but I never thought they’d… do all this.”

It was a fair reaction. Most clones, upon encountering their generals, were a little unsettled at how… human they were. Loops had certainly had a learning curve when he’d joined the 104th. General Koon was… amazing. So, honestly, Loops hadn’t been surprised when he had offered to help his troopers through the stress of the Kamino attack. But, Do-si-do had always been a bit skeptical of the Jedi, even though, from what Loops had heard of General Windu, he would regularly go out of his way to defend his men.

“I’m not complaining,” Loops said.

There was a longer than normal pause afterwards. He eyed the blinking light on his wrist comm, wondering. It wasn’t uncommon for the signal to get interrupted by space travel.

“What are you boys gossiping about now?” Ah. Not space travel. Just Commander Sixes. His brain did a mental double take as that thought formed. Just Commander Sixes.

“Oh, uh…” Do-si-do searched for words. Trees was probably frozen again. “Just… thought some of us could use the conversation. With Kamino under attack. And all.”

There was a gruff, nonverbal reply from the commander.

“Don’t suppose you got any updates we laymen didn’t, sir?” Do-si-do asked cautiously. Loops couldn’t help leaning towards his comm. Even a little news would help…

“None any of you have clearance for.”

Loops rolled his eyes, falling back against his pillow. He should have expected it. But that didn’t make it any less disappointing.

“Sir, you know the point of this call was to ease stress, not make it worse?” Do-si-do replied.

“Armor up, shiny, we’re at war.”

_____

ARCBoiiiii: Guess who’s not dead!!!!

Loopy: kriff is it over???

ARCBoiiiii: Yep! Sent the clankers running and the Hairless Harpy and Evil Spider Legs too

Green Bean: did you just nickname… Grievous and Ventress?

ARCBoiiiii: what’s it to ya?

Loopy: are you okay sevens?

ARCBoiiii: aw loopy were you worried?

Loopy: get karked

Loopy: ...but yeah

ARCBoiiiii: where’s do-si-do?

Green Bean: dunno. might be on the wing.

Loopy: sevenset. are. you. okay.

ARCBoiiiii: ah okay. and yes! i am okay, loops. little sore, but i’m not hurt. Rancor’s casualties weren’t bad.

Double Trouble: SEVENSET YOU SONAUVA HUTT HOW ARE YOU

ARCBoiiiii: Do-si-do!!!!!! im okay :D

ARCBoiiiii: Cmdrs havoc + colt in medical tho… colt had a run-in with ventress i guess

Loopy: oh kriff--

DEATH: he’s alive after that?

DEATH: … really, boys? the name?

Double Trouble: Sevenset’s idea sir

ARCBoiiiii: Do-si-dos idea

ARCBoiiiii: kark dammit

Double Trouble: beat u haha

Loopy: lol

Green Bean: How ironic. He survives Kamino only to be reaped by Death later

DEATH: ha

Double Trouble: 0.0

ARCBoiiiii: i feel unsafe

Loopy: trees where has that biting wit been hiding my friend

ARCBoiiiii: WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!

Double Trouble: ??????

ARCBoiiiii: I FOUND NUMBER FIVE

Loopy: Yay!! He was the one in 501st right?

ARCBoiiiii: yeah! pretty damn good sniper too from what i heard. AND GUESS WHAT ELSE

Green Bean: There’s more?

ARCBoiiiii: He and his batcher got promoted to ARCs so THEY’RE STUCK WITH MEEEEE

DEATH: I almost pity them.

Green Bean: ha

Loopy: wait what’s his name??

ARCBoiiiii: fives

Double Trouble: oof unoriginal

DEATH: Oh really, Do-si-do?

Double Trouble: wait no

Loopy: do-si-do it’s been nice knowing you

Double Trouble: nO WAIT it’s hardly fair, you’ve got Death as a name too

DEATH: Sure thing. Anyway, Fives and his batcher are Rex’s freaks, and he always takes his ARCs with him. They’ll be gone after graduation.

ARCBoiiiii: aw shucks :(

Double Trouble: that’s still like… almost three months tho

ARCBoiiiii: yessssss i’ll drag em into the next couple holos

Green Bean: But… it’s just Fives that has the repeating number, right?

ARCBoiiiii: well yeah but they’re practically inseparable, i’d feel bad

DEATH: that’s pathetic

ARCBoiiiii: one of these days we’ll find a recruit you actually like

DEATH: No

Double Trouble: speaking of, did you find number nine? Isn’t he in the 212th?

ARCBoiiiii: no… I’ll ask around, the orangios are still planetside for a bit. and i’m still on the lookout for a cadet 1111!

Loopy: glad you’re alive

ARCBoiiiii: *mwah*

Loopy: aaaaand now I’m not

-----

For the second time in about two minutes, Fives once again lagged a step so he could reach back and tug Echo along by the sleeve. “Keep up, will you?”

“Fives--”

“I don’t want to hear it, Echo, I told you already.”

His batchmate wasn’t going quiet without debate. “But we’re supposed--”

“--to be doing something very boring, now quit complaining.”

“It’s ARC training, Fives,” Echo hissed, yanking his sleeve away, but keeping pace with him behind Sevenset. “It’s all important, even if it’s boring.”

Their leader turned around, walking backwards as he said, “Well… I mean, I’ll be honest, I’ve never used the desert field training once, so…” He shrugged.

“Yeah, because you live on an ocean planet,” Echo pointed out.

“Pays off,” the ARC trooper grinned.

“Doesn’t it get kinda boring, though?” Fives asked. “The same planet over and over?”

“Boring?” Sevenset turned briefly to avoid a squad of junior cadets being led by medic. “Nah, not boring. Maybe the scenery leaves something to be desired, but hey--so did Coruscant. But helping to train brothers like you two? Never boring.”

“I think Fives would have to try to be boring.”

“I’m boring when I sleep.”

Echo turned a skeptical look on him.

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what?’ you snore like a rancor--”

Remembering who was walking with them, they both looked at Sevenset to add, “No offense.”

And then Fives cut right back in with a rebuttal. “Well maybe I wouldn’t snore if I didn’t have your entire weight on top of me?”

Echo waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, no no no, don’t you pull that argument--”

Fives scoffed. “I am absolutely pulling that argument--”

“You snored on Rishi, and we all used our own bunks.”

That was true. They hadn’t had a reason to share until after…. “Okay, but how do you know that wasn’t Cutup?”

“Cutup--!” Echo’s incredulous tone was somewhat marred by the smile creeping onto his face. Their arguments could never keep a serious face for too long. “You don’t snore in a kriffing accent, Fives!”

Fives could no longer keep the smile off his face either, and he gave Echo a gentle shove with his shoulder. “Okay, you got me.” The gesture was returned a little more violently. Then they noticed Sevenset had come to a stop by a door, and they pulled themselves together to face him.

“You guys were on Rishi Moon?” Sevenset asked, passing his vambrace in front of the control panel to open the door. He gestured them in.

It was a small meeting room--very small, from the others Fives had seen. The holotable jutting out from the far wall probably left room for about seven people. He and Echo stood to one side of the door, hands behind their backs. Fives decided against asking why Sevenset had access to to this place.

“Yessir, we were the last men stationed there.” Echo’s answer was curt, almost blunt, but kept carefully under the veneer of professionalism he managed so much better than Fives did. It had become their standard answer for Rishi questions.

Sevenset glanced over at them from where he was typing at the holotable. “Echo, buddy, I just commandeered you from under your CO’s nose. You can drop the ‘sir.’” He looked back to the blue holograms in front of him. “So were you the ones who blew up the all-clear signal? Saved us a hell of a lot of trouble around here, I’ll tell you that. Should be thanking you.”

“There’s… no need for that.” Echo’s voice shrank slightly, his eyes dropping towards the floor. Fives sighed as quietly as he could, silently bracing for the unpleasant exchange that was sure to follow that deflection.

“Really? I hope you got medals or something, though,” Sevenset replied. He finished typing and stepped back from the table, facing them. “How’d you do it, anyway? Not easy to blow a base like that.”

“No…” Fives agreed hollowly, hoping the ARC would eventually get the karking hint and change the subject. There were already a half dozen scenes of memory playing through the back of his mind as he did his best to pointedly ignore them.

“Liquid tibana.”

He turned to look at Echo, who caught the unasked question in his eyes.

“He asked,” his batchmate shrugged helplessly, now looking anywhere except at their faces.

Sevenset’s eyebrows rose, crinkling the tattoos on his scalp, and he nodded. “Yeah, I guess LT would do the trick, wouldn’t it?”

Nope. Not getting the hint. And Echo--Maker bless him--would keep answering his questions even if it gave him a panic attack. Maybe ARC training could help him kick that habit.

“Did they really send commando droids--”

Fives didn’t let him finish. “Look, Sevenset, we don’t really like talking about Rishi.” Next to him, he noticed some of the tension leave Echo’s shoulders. “Our whole batch was stationed there, and, aside from Commander Cody and Captain Rex, we’re the only ones who survived that attack.”

Sevenset blinked, realization hitting like a splash of cold water. “Oh. Yeah, of course,” he looked down, scuffing one of his boots on the floor without much enthusiasm. “Sorry about  that. Should’ve realized.”

Fives dipped his head, acknowledging the apology. He knew Sevenset hadn’t meant any harm by asking, but at least he’d apologized. The holotable made a noise, and Sevenset practically flew to answer the incoming transmission. Fives couldn’t blame him for wanting to dissipate the uncomfortable silence that had followed his apology. He nudged Echo with his elbow, and they moved closer, still shoulder-to-shoulder, as the first two holograms appeared.

The first clone they saw sat in what looked like a cockpit, although “sitting” was a generous term. More like lounging. His head was shaved on the right side, and the long curls left were bleached and dyed a cold white. His face lit up upon recognizing Sevenset.

“You are alive!”

“Of course I’m alive, Do-si-do,” the ARC replied, once again all smiles. “I am almost offended you thought my first fight with Rancor would finish me.”

The second clone--in recognizably 104th gear--gave a tiny smile. “Here I am surprised Do-si-do hasn’t gotten a surprise visit from Death after his remarks about originality in the chat.”

The pilot, Do-si-do, made a show of looking under and behind his seat. “Nope, all clear. Sorry to disappoint, Loopy.”

“My name’s not Loopy.” He turned to look at Fives and Echo. “My name’s not Loopy, it’s just Loops.” Kind of a fun name, really. Fives wondered what his number was. Eight, probably?

“And for once you beat Trees here,” Sevenset remarked. Another hologram appeared. “Ooh, but not by much.”

Trees, by the looks of his armor, was in the 41st. But, unlike the others, he looked downright regulation, like Echo. “Sorry, I got stuck behind a gonk droid in the hall.” Catching sight of Fives and Echo, he added, “Oh, are these the new guys?”

“Yep!” Sevenset looked to them.

Without warning, Echo’s hand appeared, grabbing Fives by the jaw and turning his head to the left. “And you’ll never guess which one of us is named Fives.”

Fives swatted his hand away, Echo ducking the half-hearted attempt to put him in a headlock. “I am going to kill you,” he growled at his batchmate’s stupidly smug expression. So he liked the number; he had a good reason to like the number!

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with it, come on,” Sevenset smiled. “You and Loops can match.”

Loops turned his face so the tattoo on his right cheek was visible. An infinity symbol? Stylized number eight? “First thing I did when I got the chance.”

“How’s ARC training treating you two, then?” Do-si-do asked with a smile.

Fives glanced at Echo. “Not too bad,” he answered with a shrug.

“Yet,” Echo added.

Sevenset smirked and nodded knowingly. “Emphasis on ‘yet,’” he agreed. “Right about the three- or four-week mark, you’ll really start regretting some life choices.”

“You survived, though,” Trees pointed out. “Can’t be that bad if they managed to drag you over the finish line.”

“I do have more than one personality trait, you know.”

“Whaaat?” Do-si-do shook his head. “Can’t believe you’re more than your carefree facade. Actually upset now.”

Sevenset raised an eyebrow at him, but Do-si-do ignored the silent challenge and just blew him a kiss through the screen. Sevenset had mentioned he and “number two” had started this group, and now Fives could indeed understand they knew each other pretty well.

“Wait,” Loops spoke up. “What’s your name?” He gestured a little vaguely towards the two batchmates.

“Oh.” Echo straightened up a bit. “I’m Echo.”

Loops waved at him.

“Is this everyone?” Fives asked, looking to Sevenset. He had mentioned the group wasn’t “complete” yet, but he hadn’t expected it to be this small.

The other four shook their heads. Sevenset answered. “No, there’s still the commander, but we don’t pretend to know when or if he’s gonna show. The others--number one, number nine, number four, and zero--we haven’t found yet.”

“And Commander Fox wants nothing to do with us, thanks to Sevenset,” Do-si-do added.

“Also true.”

Echo’s confused expression matched the questions Fives had in mind. He didn’t know Commander Fox’s number off the top of his head. Echo probably did. He’d known the captain’s and Commander Cody’s like that. But… there was another commander? They turned to look at Sevenset together, although two different questions came out of their mouths.

“What commander?” Fives asked.

“You asked Commander Fox?” Echo said at the same time.

They didn’t get answers. Well. Not explicitly. A fourth hologram appeared beside Loops, Trees, and Do-si-do. The single pauldron denoted rank. The full kit of black armor, helmet included, didn’t give many other details. So. That commander. Whoever that commander was…

Next to him, Echo tensed, just barely, but Fives could read him too well to miss it. He looked over. Fives recalled his batchmate’s reaction to meeting the captain and Commander Cody for the first time. They had reputations, they had stories, and Fives had been right with him in that sense of awe--aside from the whole… being invaded by commando droids… thing that had been happening at the same time. And right now Echo kind of looked like that. But his expression had none of the subtle reverence Fives remembered. More… fear? Not quite. He’d seen Echo scared. Who was this guy? And why couldn’t Fives place him?

“Hey, Commander,” Do-si-do greeted, like there was nothing strange about a commander in all-black armor appearing on their holotable. None of them had even gone to attention. That was a little odd.

The commander folded his arms across his chest and grunting a nonverbal reply. His visor landed on Fives and Echo. Again, Fives saw Echo’s whole body stiffen in his periphery. “New guys?” the commander eventually asked, his voice sounding an awful lot like Alpha-17’s gruff speech.

“Yep,” Sevenset nodded, not even addressing him as sir. “This is Fives, that’s his batcher Echo, and you have magically chosen to appear right when they started asking questions about you.”

“These the inseparable ones?” This man had absolutely no variation in tone, and it was going to get creepy.

“Looks like it,” Loops replied.

The commander stared at them for a few more seconds, before giving another wordless huff and looking away. “No one’s inseparable.”

Fives did not like the chill that sent down his spine, despite the words having, as before, no discernible emotional tone. Behind his back, his hand tightened around the opposite wrist, the dull pain momentarily distracting his mind from the commander’s implication. Glancing to Echo, he saw his brother’s jaw clench, his mouth pressed into a line as he stared down the holograms. Fives shuffled closer until their shoulders and arms touched, feeling his brother lean into him.

Sevenset looked between them and the holotable before taking half a step sideways towards them. “Okay, Commander Dark and Angsty, maybe don’t scare away the new guys? Thanks.”

The commander’s helmet tilted up ever so slightly--probably rolling his eyes--but he stayed quiet.

“And that,” Sevenset went on, turning to Fives and Echo, “is Commander Sixes, AKA Commander Death, and yes, he is always like that.”

Finally, it clicked in Fives’ mind. He knew about Commander Death, he just hadn’t seen any images of him. Sithspit, no wonder Echo had reacted like that. The Death Wings were downright terrifying by word-of-mouth, and that--that was their commander.

And these guys were just… chatting with him. They chatted with him… regularly. Sevenset didn’t even call him sir. What in the nine hells…?

The commander’s visor went to Sevenset. “How are Colt and Havoc? Haven’t had a chance to comm them.”

“Mm? Oh. Commander Colt’s just got out of medical. Commander Havoc got out a couple rotations ago.” Sevenset shrugged. “That’s all I’ve got.”

Fives had seen Commander Havoc during training yesterday. He’d walked a little stiffly, but from what he’d heard about his injuries, walking at all was pretty damn good.

“Did you ever find number nine?” Loops asked. “In the two-twelfth?”

“Eh…” Sevenset held up a hand palm-down and tilted it back and forth. “Sort of. I got confirmation he is in with Commander Cody’s boys, and that his name is Nines, but that’s all. Never got eyes on him or a frequency, or I would’ve patched him in.”

Echo opened his mouth, then closed it. Fives nudged him to speak. He’d already drawn attention from Loops, Trees, and Do-si-do anyway. “Well, just--Torrent works with Commander Cody’s men more often than most. We could keep an eye out for him.”

“Once we’re back with the company,” Fives added.

“Oh yeah,” Sevenset nodded. “Totally. Thanks.”

“Any word on the others we’re looking for?” Trees asked.

Sevenset shook his head. “No luck with number one over here. Still haven’t found any cadet with that number.”

Do-si-do added, “The ninety-first has leave in three weeks. My company will be on Coruscant for about a ten-day. Anyone else?”

“I’ll check,” the commander said, reaching out of frame for something.

While he was silent, Loops put in, “Well, the Wolfpack won’t be off for another month and a bit.”

Trees nodded. “The forty-first is still on for another two months.”

“And obviously the three of us aren’t going anywhere,” Sevenset said, tilting his head towards Fives and Echo. “Gotta say, that is one thing I miss about being in the Guard. Can’t see everyone when they’re on leave.”

“The one-eighteenth has leave in about a month,” the commander finally reported. “Should overlap with the ninety-first for a few days. Maybe you can find zero in there. My fighters have a mission with the Nova Corps coming up, too. I’ll see if I can find number four.”

A smug smile appeared on Sevenset’s face. “I thought you once said you weren’t our recruiter, Commander.”

The commander stared at him for half a moment, then answered, “The Marines won’t have leave for another six months. You want to find number four? This is how you do it.”

The ARC nodded, his smile never changing. “Okay, alright, I get it. We won’t tell anyone you like us.”

The commander huffed quietly, then muttered, “I’m still surprised Alpha-17 didn’t beat that attitude out of you over there.”

Echo smirked. “Well, at least that means there’s hope for Fives.”

Fives shouldered him. “Hey, I haven’t done anything.”

“Yet.”

Sevenset grinned at Fives, who found himself returning a small smile. Trees pinched the bridge of his nose. “Maker help us, there’s two of them.”

“Something wrong with that, Trees?” the ARC replied with mock severity. Fives would admit, he did like Sevenset. He liked seeing a higher ranking soldier maintain a lighter sense of humor. Most of the Teth survivors in Torrent had a dark streak--Coric might have it the worst, actually, and it was rubbing off on Kix.

“Nothing wrong, just means I’ll have to explain to my medics why my blood pressure’s so high.”

Do-si-do and Sevenset laughed, and Loops smiled. The commander just shook his head. Yeah, Fives could get used to this.

-----

Edit: I FORGOT TAGS @nl13 @darth-void @glubtheflyingfish (sorry i missed you in part 1) @blsmjoon @23-bears @theultimatesandwich @peacefulwizardfox @alamogirl80

[i-have-feelings-bitch]

some thoughts on ÉLITE s4 immediately after finishing it

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD, obviously

so. i have some thoughts.

i really disliked how they kept on piling up problem upon problem and i’ve seen that a couple dozen times by now and it always ends the same - nothing gets solved. Not really, anyway. The solution usually is; another problem happens, but its bigger and far more important and severe than all of the other ones combined and it overshadows everything that had happened before.

on that note, and to be fair, this is a teen’s drama show. So i don’t mind it, just to be clear here. i enjoyed the heck out of this season, right now, it’s my favorite season of all. That might change later, as all of this still is so new and fresh and exciting so my mind naturally snaps onto it.

first things first; Omander went just like i predicted - they broke up just so they could get back together eventually, after some hardcore drama. (i cried anyway. a lot.)

there’s one character i liked throughout the whole season. no, wait, two actually. first is rebeka. i feel like her decisions made sense. i liked her story arch a lot. the second one is azucena. what a queen.

.........guzman has a really bad temper. always had and probably always will. (to the samu/guzman/ari drama; why couldnt they have a pretty threesome, ari was quite obviously polyamorous (but i guess nobody has ever heard of that lol) and samuel and guzman almost fucked any second anyways so what exactly was their problem)

surprisingly enough, i liked Patrick in a lot of moments, about 50%. i absolutely despised him in the other 50%. tbh im really not sure about his character like with him, i don’t see any reasoning or goal or whatsoever. i have no clue what he wants to achieve?? guess he just wants to be gay and fuck around and honestly? fair enough

Mencia. Oh, Mencia. i liked her a lot from the get go and i still think her character is cool as shit, but there were quite some moments when i wouldve loved to smack her across the face. i also cried a lot when it came to Mencia/Rebeka. when Samu said “Fuck, you two are cute”? i felt that. i very much cringed at the chocolate scene, but to each their own i guess.

Ari; about 95% of the season disliked her. i didn’t hate her, but she was like a knockoff version of Lu? listen, i know i’m being biased here and it’s very unfair towards her, but to me, it just felt like she always tried to be the mean girl but never really succeeded. my opinion of her skyrocketed in the last few minutes of the last episode, though. we love some good sibling care in this house. not like it had been like that in the beginning, mind you.

i. fucking. hated. Benjamin. like the whole time. i think there was legit one single moment when i thought like “okay hold on that was the first (and last) good move you made this whole season” and it was when he offered Mencia to listen to her anytime she wanted or needed to. otherwise. fuck him. his attitude, his way of talking, his way of acting, fucking everything. (in the very last scene, when he destroyed the table? like yeah, i get that you’re emotional and angry and shit but my dude, your youngest daughter just told you she basically got r*ped on a daily basis by the guy *you* invited to your house because you only saw his money. can you please show some motherfucking self-control and not scare said daughter to fucking death oh my god i hate this guy so fucking much) also because he kicked out azucena. on that note, ander being protective of his mom? absolutely living for it.

aaand Ander. here we go. oof. i did not like him for a good part of the season. actually, i think it probably started in episode one and ended in the last one, lol. i just felt like there were little things that made sense? i appreciated him telling Omar that he finds this other guy (aka Patrick) hot, but like some time later, they break up in this really horrible and heartbreaking sequence and a minute later, Ander goes whoring around like there’s no tomorrow? like, literally? huh? i found myself really torn between who to dislike more; Ander or Patrick. nice el desorden reference. (both the shot where he masturbated alone in the shower and the book, lmao)

as for Omar; can the writers just leave him the fuck alone please? what did he ever do to yall to ever deserve all this shit he has to go through constantly in this show holy fuck i HATE how he got treated by Ander and Patrick and Benjamin. This boy deserves so much better. he did seem a little out of character sometimes, i gotta say. not sure why tho. most times, he was the sweet, empathetic cinnamon roll we know him as. like idk man he does so much for his friends?? the thing with Philippe and Caye at the bar was adORABLE

which leads us to

Philippe. dude. what. was his character. most of the time, i felt kinda bad for him, like his so called friends literally all just saw the royalty in him (not that he made the impression that he didnt like that in the first few episodes, but yeah it’s a thing so i reckoned that would come up later on). also i was so happy for Cayetana ughguhghguhghh they were really cute together......but then he gotta pull this shit, like what??? in the actual fuck. he’s just like “yeah some girl tried to sue me, saying i r*ped her” and then later he’s like “so yeah i’m actually a r*pist, whoops, sorry, can you stay pretty please?” like ex fucking cuse the shit out of me sir. no. the problem is i *want* to like him because pol granch is a fucking sweetheart and i’m catching myself thinking stuff like hes kind of aware that hes a borderline r*pist and that hes also very aware that it’s not okay? but like? he doesn’t try to change? don’t even get me started on his mother. ugly ass bitch. that’s all i have to say.

so i didnt like Cayetana for a major amount of s3, like at all. but yeah, what can i say. shes just a sweet girl okay and now i have a soft spot for her. much like Omar i feel like, she gets a lot of shit, completely uncalled for and there’s nothing she can do against it she just like stumbles into the pile of crap and then is knee-deep in. i feel very sorry for her man i just wanna hug her.

just for the record, there was not a single second that i thought Amomrdm(shit i forgot his name lmfao) -the bad guy- was just being nice and helpful. tbh he just deserved what he got. whoops, there, i said it.

the build up in the last episode was very nice, i gotta say. it was low key obvious who would be the one to attack Ari, but it’s alright. i did not expect the thing with Guzman tho lol. You go man. (but still, aggression problems.)

side note; dude it really sucks that guzman and samuel were too busy fighting over Ari to actually notice her missing lmao

oh also - Rebeka’s ninja kick on the dock??????? HELLO????

guzman and ander leaving made me so fucking emotional?????? excuse me??? who gave them the right?????

edit; (a day later)

just noticed i completely forgot Samu, lol. hes just so far away from my type and i dont really have an opinion on him like yeah hes kind-hearted and cares for his friends, and thats sweet, but uuuhhhhhh. i was only there for the lil gay moments between him and guzman. there were a lot of them. i was really happy when he and Rebeka made up and talked to each other again, that was kinda wholesome. aside from that tho? idk hes just kinda [shrug-emoji] for me (like he had been from s1 all the way on to be quite honest)

that said, i’m sure theres lots more thoughts in my mind but the heat is making my head hurt lol ok bye

[missjackil]

My 15x14 Opinion

Last Holiday

Hey guys!! My Chuck! It’s been so long I almost forgot I do this! I missed these guys so so so so much, it’s great to have them back, but it’s awful knowing there’s only 6 episodes left 😭 

I really liked this episode, for the most part, and I’ll get to that part that I didn’t like in a moment. Now without further adu, let’s begin.

I was immediately amuzed with Dean’s Scooby boxers! I mean, c’mon, we all were right? Now we meet Mrs Butters. Right away, I couldnt decide if she was good or sketchy, and I sure that was the point, but I knew she was legit when talking about her family, the MOL, “My boys” she called them, and well, that tugged at my heart strings, because Sam and Dean will always be my boys. 

Coming to the bitter end of the series, we get a brand new classic scene. Dean in the sleeping gown, fashioned exactly like the one he wore in Skooby, complete with night cap, so excited for Sam to try it, that he forgets he’s naked undernearth and Sam gets an eye full.... twice LOL wtf was that about Sam? Needed to check a second time to make sure it was actually Dean’s dick you saw? (I see you 😉) 

I love the moment Mrs Butters took with Sam to take a breath, smile, and enjoy the world he fights for. I for one have wanted him, and Dean as well, just to enjoy themselves for a bit and Im so glad they got the chance. 

The montage through the Holidays was priceless, I knew I needed this, but didnt know how much I actually needed this! Seeing my boys smiling and laughing, eating and carving Pumpkins, just flooded my heart!! Oh and Sam got a nice chunk of ham so I guess he’s not a vegan LOL. How great was it to see Sam in his birthday crown? He was mildly embaressed but smiling, it was precious! Now I can keep the memory of him celebrating his birthday with his family and not that “Amelia” flashback *gag*

I love to see Dean all happy and childlike. The busts on his age were pretty damn funny! Loved the Ghost Busters montage too, and what better way to end it than the boys crashing down a door and Dean with the grenade launcher and Sam with the Thor hammer LOL

The timeline throws me a bit now as to how long Mrs Butters was with the boys. It’s obvious it was more than a day, but was it for months? Did they really end the festivities in May which would make sense as to why Sam had a Birthday and Dean didnt, and Jack got one at the end (more on that soon) if it was for months, then it seems very odd that it took that long for Mrs B to turn on Jack and not learn he’s a nice kid. Hmmmmm.

So the one portion I didnt like, of course is Sam’s date with Eileen. It’s far too  close to the end to bring up a “girlfriend” topic and I could get through that goodbye kiss I had to watch months ago believing it was a “goodbye” kiss and not a “Hey lets hook up next time you’re in town” kiss. Not to mention the comments after were equally unnecessary and nauseating. Ok... nuffadat

So, in true Supernatural form, it goes from happy to sooo not happy! We find out Mrs B is pretty bad ass, and can rip of dudes heads with her bare hands, and she thinks Jack is a monster, and Dean outta kill him. Dean wont so he gets locked away with Jack. Now this was a very important part to me and I hope to others. Jack asks Dean if he still thinks hes a monster and Dean is ready to be honest. He tells Jack what he did isnt easy to forgive and he is still mad but he’s trying, and hes not gonna let this woman take him out. I think that really encompassed what it means when they say “Family always has your back”. That person that you could hurt so terribly, unintentionally, who may still very well be pissed and yet wouldnt let anyone hurt you, is your family ❤

So moving on, We get Sam tied to a chair ad tortured.... again. This time though, he gets his fingernails pulled out, very graphically! UGHHHHHHH that hurt so much!! WTF SPN W T A F!! And yet, he’s the one to talk Mrs B down. That’s Sam for ya! I’m glad they didnt end up killing her, especially knowing the lengths they go to protect each other. 

Then, Dean makes Jack a bday cake. AWWWWWW!! How effing sweet!!!

One thing I think was a big missed opportunity is the chance to talk a bit about Henry Winchester. I thought for sure he’d be brought up, but alas...

Overall, I really liked it. (ALmost) perfect episode to come back to before we get our asses whooped over the next 6 weeks. 

So on a scale from Bloodlines to Lebanon, I’ll give Last Holiday a solid 7. had they not thrown in the Eileen thing, it would get an 8.5

See ya next week!

[starchildrenofdustand-ashes]

My Six The Musical Review

Once again nobody cares— BUUUT I saw SixChicago yesterday with Adrianna Hicks as Aragon, Andrea Macasaet as Bolyen, Abby Mueller as Seymour, Brittney Mack as Cleves,  Anna Uzele as Parr. Here are somethings I noticed (essentially this is a rundown of everything you wouldn’t get just from listening to the album lol) ((Also im so tired and its 12.28 am and im sorry for any mistakes))

❤️💚💛💗🖤💙

👑 So before the show, they were playing a ton of pop music, but it was on an instrument that kinda sounded like a lute or harpsichord. 👑 When the Queens walked out from behind the curtain in a single file line to take their place on stage, the crowd went crazy. They all came out through a tiny crack in the curtain,, but when they belt “LIIIIVE” the curtain falls to the floor as is dragged off stage. 👑During the dance breaks in Ex-Wives, they go from dancing hip hop, to dancing with each other in a style they would’ve done back then to the beat. It was cute. 👑It was so weird hearing their accents! I’m always expecting “divooced” but it felt like they were almost emphasizing the r “ divoRRced” 👑Before Catherine of Aragon starts singing in Ex-Wives she says “Remember us from PBS??” 👑When Jane Seymour sings her bit in the song she moves Stage Left and when the Queens all say “Hey!” She looks surprised and shrugs, continuing to sing 👑Anna really played up the “JA’s” during her bit and IT WAS SO CUTE (you will find I am partial to clever, bc my gay ass is in love with her.) 👑There is so much dialogue!! After they say “Chicago!! How’re you doing tonight!!” They say we are “SIIIIX” in their harmonies and “Welcome to our divorced, beheaded, LIVE TOUR” 👑Aragon says “WE HAVE SO MUCH IN STORE FOR YOU TONIGHT— WE HAVE THE RIFFS TO RUFFLE YOUR RUFFS” before she does a really sick riff 👑A few of the other queens add on to that,, I forgot what they said but then  Howard says “AND A WHOLE LOT OF HISTORY” and Parr cuts her off and says “OR AS WE SAY A WHOLE LOT OF HERSTORY” 👑then they introduce their band (who are on the stage with then) as their ladies in waiting and I was soft 👑 So then they go on to explain the deal with the show; they are all competing against each other for the crown of the “ultimate” queen based on who had to put up with the most shit from Henry 👑 When they’re going down the line to explain why they say 💛Who lasted longest was the strongest 💚The biggest sinner is obvs the winner 🖤 I have no idea what Seymour said I don’t remember DX ❤️Who was most chased is first place 💗The most glorious will be victorious 💙The winning contestant was the most protestant (but she says it so it rhymes with contestant and then all the queens look at her like ??? And she sighs and says ‘protestant’ with its correct pronunciation 👑Aragon says “How in the purgatory are they gonna choose a leading lady??” 👑”The queen to take the crown will be the one who had the biggest, the firmest, the fullest…. LOAD OF BS TO DEAL WITH FROM THE MAN WHO PUT A RING ON IT 👑There is a reprise of Ex-wives but this time they change the lyrics to “welcome to the show to the coronation” 👑💛lol Aragon cut the reprise off and was like “It doesn’t matter, because I’m the winner” and then she asked the drummer for a beat 👑💛So with the beat, Aragon begins to tell her story, and the bass is strumming the baseline for no way 👑💛”Okay, I’m thinking its… a bit weird they want me to marry my… dead husbands brother”… 👑💛So then she continues recounting the story and she says “I saw lipstick on his collar and I’m like… okAY… so now he wants to annul our marriage and moves this sidekick into mY palace and wants me in a CONVENT” and she’s on a RANT so she pauses and breathes really heavily before smiling really widely and sighing “Now… I don’t think I look that good in a wimple so I said. No. Way.”  And the song starts immediately after that 👑💛Idk what else to say except that Aragon was a total badass and Adrianna Hicks  was a fucking QUEEN 👑💛When she asks him to name when she’s ever caused him pain, she’s all the way upstage on the same platform/semi circle that the band is on, and she’s on her knees kinda begging kinda. She pauses for a LONG time and waits for an answer and her face is smug when she’s like “no?” 👑💛She said “I had the most to deal with AND I hit that high c so that crown is mine,” 👑The other Queens stop her and are like theres another really REALLY IMPORTANT one… the one that overlapped with you who is she?? The famous one that people actually care about!” Then they all start chanting “The one you’ve been waiting for” and the lighting turns green,, while they’re chanting, Anne Boleyn looks really confused and shrugs and walks to the back of the stage and picks up her phone 👑💚The Queens eventually say “The temptresssssss” and they hold it out like a snake “ANNE BOLYEN” and they sing this very choir like 👑💚They all turn to her and Anne is just sitting there cackling at whatever is on her phone and she’s like “ Whoops sorry,,” and Don’t loose your head starts 👑💚Andrea Macasaet has SUCH a high pitched voice she was absolutely ADORABLE 👑💚When she said “get ahead” she smirked and everyone laughed 👑💚Instead of her voice going down on “Pret a Manger,” it got even higher almost In a mocking French accent. 👑💚She is pissing Aragon the fuck off this entire song lol 👑💚When she says “Are you blind??” She gestures between she and Aragon 👑💚 “What was I meant to do?” Is sung like a confused toddler lol 👑💚 So the bit where they play the wedding song, all the queens bow to her and she walks past, smiling and waving and she gets to the end of the line and is like “Hold up,, let me tell you how it went down HENRY’S OUT EVERY NIGHT …. Etc” 👑💚”Bro just shut up!” Instead of mate 👑💚She even asks the band what was she meant to do, and everyone is repeating her and she screams “OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY HE REALLY WANTS TO CUT MY HEAD OFF” 👑💚and then she grins again after a long silence and she’s all smug like “I guess he really liked my head…..” While kinda licking her lips lol 👑💚DEAR GOD HER RIFFS JESUS FUCKING HREHTTLTURHGUEHURL 👑💚And she was like “yeah… that was such a weekend… I like died… and it was so extra! So im clearly the winner. So now, I have to sing a song I wrote when I found out that Catherine of Aragon had died. Its called WEAR YELLOW TO A FUNERAL SING IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS. And the bass came in and Boleyn sings “Catherine was a massive C-” and the other Queens immediately shut her up 👑Aragon and Boleyn start arguing until Seymour is like “its my turn now…” 👑Everyone looks at het before they burst out laughing, telling her ‘bye’ and ‘girl, please’ 👑And Seymour is like yeah,, I was in love and I was really really lucky. 👑🖤 And Seymour goes into this really heartbreaking monologue about how she missed her songs future and how she had a picture of her family. She said that Henry was really sweet and that she loved him 👑Boleyn cuts her off and is like “yeahhhh,, there was this one really cute time where he, like, cut my head off :) 👑🖤Seymour said that Aragon and Boleyn were badasses. Then she said that she promised to always stay by his side and didn’t yell at him back like the other two because she loved him. Then she dedicated the song to him 👑🖤Heart of Stone started and honestly,,, its not my favorite song and I usually skip it. But mY GOODNESS. Abby Mueller is a fucking goddess wow. The amount of control she has on her voice is astounding 👑🖤(fun fact abt me— I have perfect pitch lol)  they pitch changed it into A major and it transposes into B major which was SO BEAUTIFUL. It made me actually like the song lol 👑🖤Its not really eventful,, she just stands in the middle of the stage. 👑Seymour is like,, “what hurts more than a broken heart?” And  Boleyn is like “A chopped off head” 👑Almost immediately  after it transfers to Cleves and she’s like “soo he’s running out of options in England he had to expand his fields and adjust his location settings to find his next queen. We are Heading to Germany where  he got the help of Han….. 👑At some point during the song, the other queens ran off stage to get their glasses and ruffs 👑They all run back on stage in their glasses and ruffs (Cleves still hasn’t said his last name yet) and they all whisper “Holbien” 👑WELCOME TO THE HOUSE 👑lol this song is SO funny… and Cleves is so fucking adorable (she was flossing at some point). The dancing was so… German…it was hilarious. 👑So after the song is done,, the girls still have their ruffs and glasses on and it kinda turns into a mobile app like tinder.. 👑Basically there are two queens before Cleves and they all stand up and walk downstage as they are introduced, they smile and their picture is taken and they wait for about two seconds before Henry swipes left or right. 👑The two in front of Cleves are played by Parr and Howard. 👑After Cleves is selected their is a Holbein reprise 👑❤️The other queens run off taking the ruffs and Cleves is left on the stage sighing comically several times. She’s at the back of the stage sitting on a makeshift stone 👑❤️”Its the tragic story of a princess-educated, savvy, young- deemed ugly by an ulcer-ridden, wheezing, winkled man 20 years her senior.” 👑❤️WHATS A MORE DEVASTATING FATE THAN BEING FORCED INTO A BEAUTIFUL PALACE IN RICHMOND WITH MORE MONEY THAN I COULD EVER SPEND AND NO MAN TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH IT 👑❤️Get down is also key changed 👑❤️When she sings “I’m the Queen of the castle” she is skipping across the stage 👑❤️When she gives her fur to the footman, she actually takes off her coat and hands it to one of the queens. The crowd went crazy and she’s like “guys stop,’ and like acting all shy but secretly enjoying it-she says “Okurrrrrrrrr” . Then she’s like “AS YOU WERE” and everyone is quiet lol 👑❤️the part where it slows down and she’s like “SIT DOWNNN YOU DIRTTTY RrrrrrASCALLL” she opera sings it and I shat myself 👑❤️she uses her microphone as a lute lol 👑❤️YOU CANT (nope) STOP (nuh-uh) YOU CANT STOP ME 👑❤️At some point she squeezes her boob. I love her. 👑❤️after she kills us all by belting that last note she points to a girl in the front row and is like “YOU IN THE PINK DRESS!” and she gestures for her to stand up. And the girl stands up and they bop together with Cleves ad libbing in the background 👑❤️Eventually she says “Okay sugar this is my song, GET DOWN” 👑❤️And then after a moment of silence she’s like “So yeah it was really tragic…” 👑Aragon is like that doesn’t sound difficult at all and Ceves is like “oh… yeah.. I probably won’t win this thing… WELP BACK TO THE PALACE!” 👑the queens argue more and honestly it’s iconic 👑Seymour is yelling at Aragon and her voice is so loud and Cleves interrupts her and is like “guys,… I have the plague” and they all gasp and she’s like “HAHA JUST KIDDING MY LIFES AMAZING” they roll their eyes and Parr is like “our next queen! K HOWARD!” And everyone is like who??? 👑Aragon is like “ The least relevant Catherine,,” and Boleyn is like “Yeahhh i get it and I still don’t care,,,”
👑Howard is like “You’re right… I need all the help I can compete. What happened to you was terrible,, and so were you songs,,” Then she proceeded to roast everyone. She says “Anne you obviously had it worse I mean you lost your head……. Oh wait…..” 👑💗And then she says “but seriously Anna, getting rejected for your looks really sucks…. cant relate…I’m really hot…. So yeah. I can compete like this” or smthing and then all you wanna do starts. 👑💗At the beginning of the song the queens touch her everywhere and she leans into it willingly 👑💗Blowing the flute,, she winks at the audience and when she says C-D she puts her hand in front of her crotch and squeezes. 👑💗 “There was this guy… Francis and he asked me to be his little piece of aaaasssssss…istant! 👑💗The song goes from upbeat to upsetting very very quickly after Francis she starts to become less trusting and she gets more disoriented as the show goes on. 👑💗”Apparently men only hire women to get them into their private chamber… times were different then…” 👑💗When she says “He says  we have this connection,”  about Henry Seymour comes from behind her and touches her stomach — all you can see is her hand touching her sensually. She looks a little surprised and then she’s like “I guess its not so different..” 👑💗By the time we get to Thomas Culpepper she is flustered and VERY uncomfortable. The girls are all touching her now and she looks down and stares at their hand before pushing them away and finishing the end of the song. she keeps pushes them away but they keep coming back. She looks utterly heartbroken and you can see her unraveling. 👑💗THAT RIFF WAS SO GGHRSILGBRLGKJBJL 👑💗she screams “WHEN WILL ENOUGH BE ENOUGH” as they keep touching her and she fails as she pushes them away. 👑💗Eventually she gets them off but she ends up by herself on the stage with her face facing up and a dim pink spotlight is on her. 👑💗There is a chilling silence and then she’s smiling and says ‘YEAH and then I was beheaded and I won this competition!” 👑Then they get into another argument. Boleyn starts talking about how her beheading was more relevant because Henry humiliated her more and Aragon was like,,, um I won the humiliation game and she counts her mistresses 👑Then they start yelling about the miscarriages they had and Boleyn says she has three and Aragon says “You know what Anne BO-LOSER I HAD FIVE” and Parr is like “this is not okay, don’t compare miscarriages, thats hella insensitive” and they push her to the center and tell her to sing her song 👑Theres a random baseline again and Parr looks like she’s about to start singing but she stops and says,,”I’m good,” and tries to go off stage. They all accuse her of being a sore loser because she survived and knows that she had no chance of winning. 👑Parr is like,,, NO its pitting us against each other and the queens all groan  and make fun of her and she’s like okay,, imma sing the song then. And Katherine Howard says “Are you sure?? Are you sure you dont want to stick to backing vocals where you belong?” 👑💙And Parr softly says “Queens take a seat,” before turning to the pianist and saying “Can you give me a Bb maj7, please?” 👑💙Parr shuts down all the queens and says her life wasn’t all rainbows because she survived. And she talks about her love tom, and I never realized that the song is a letter to tom. She starts off “Dear Tom, You know I love you boy,” 👑💙 Anna Uzele was so fucking good. And Tbh,, this is my least favorite song so I don’t remember much about the staging (I’m sorry) 👑💙Side note,, parr is such a badass and an amazing woman 👑At the end of the song, she turns to the queens and is like “without Henry we all disappear ,” and Boleyn is like “I don’t get it” and parr asks “How does anyone know who we are” and Boleyn is like “mY SiX fInGeRs-“ before Aragon cuts her off and is like “Put it away, baby” 👑Parr then asks Henry the 7 and 6’s wives names and nobody can answer. “but, when we get together as a group-“ Boleyn cuts her off and is like “EVERYONE NOTICES THAT JANE CAN’T DANCE!” “NO WE COMPARE OURSELVES” 👑when Boleyn finally gets it she explains the situation like she’s an encyclopedia and it was so funny and fast and oMG 👑”UGH if we had realized this before we started we could have done something else like make a fake competition to show everyone how messed up comparing us is and then we could reclaim our story and all become the leading ladies…” “:/ and they are all saying this dialogue its just split up and I dont remember it very well 👑IF ONLY WE HAD THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE 👑then they look at each other and smirk at the audience before reprising Parr’s song as “We don’t need your love,” 👑Which was so good bc THEY DON’T NEED HENRY’S LOVE YES 👑Then they point out “We might only be remember for marrying the same man,, but why does anyone give a sh- who he is? It’s because of his,,” then they all harmonize ’SIIIIIIX WIVES’ 👑AND WE ALL HAVE A ROYAL HAPPY EVER AFTER but Boleyn cuts Seymour off and is like “But we didn’t” 👑then they go onto explain how none of them had happy endings and they’re like,, but we can rewrite them! So they do and that leads into Six which is such a soft song. 👑Six, actually starts off very slowly. It speeds up after they say “we’re six” 👑It was such an energy ending I was speechless and gold confetti poured down on them and OMG I was shaken to my core. 

[jinkies-binx]

i stayed awake long enough to realize thats kinda stupid so im goin 2 bed now g’night ✌️

ive been awake the entire night what if i just stay up all day so i’ll be asleep for my entire birthday

[jungshookz]

*kicks open door* kiNDERGARTEN TEACHER!TAEHYUNG THAT HAS A FAT CRUSH ON THE HOT SINGLE MOM HE SEES WHEN SHE COMES TO PICK UP HER CUTEASS KID

→ pairing: kim taehyung x reader

→ genre: kindergartenteacher!taeHYUNG aka THE FLUFFIEST FLUFF like i don’t think i’ve ever felt so SOFT in my entire life great googly moogly please prepare yourselves 

→ wordcount: 3.3k

(gif isn’t mine!)

“shit shit shit shIt shit” you curse to yourself as you vEEr right into the first parking spot you see

you immediately crank the brake and unbuckle your seatbelt

“i was going to park there, asshole!” you hop out of the car to see an angry looking mother glaring at you from her minivan and you give her a sheepish smile

“i’m sorry!!!! my kid just got off from class and i can’t be late because i need to drive her to ballet and-“ you’re definitely oversharing with this stranger and she obviously doesn’t care because she rolls her eyes and flips you off before zoOming off to find another parking spot

soccer moms are so aggressive

you double check that you have everything with you and you fish your parent lanyard out of your backpack and sling it around your neck quickly as you approach the front doors

you thought that once you became a mother you would instantly become more responsible more organised more matuRe

obviously you were mistAken because you’re still late to almost everything you go to

some things never change!!!!

you hurry your way down the hallway and pick up the pace when you see the swarm of parents standing outside the classroom

as you approach the crowd you get up on your tip-toes to see if emma’s been excused yet

you accidentally bump into a couple and a bit of your coffee splashes onto their shoulders and they turn around and give you a dirty look

“oh, sorry!!!! ….fridays, am i right?” you joke and they both scowl before shuffling to stand somewhere else

oof

tough crowd

none of the parents here like u that much

which is a real shame because you think you make greAt company

you’re just,.,, there’s a big age gap between u and most of the parents here

you’re one of the younger parents in the class

actually you might be the youngest

min yoongi and his wife (you forgot her name whoOps) are pretty young but they’re still a couple years older than you

and side note their daughter is adoraBle

emma is actually friends with hwayoung so you talk to yoongi sometimes

it’s nice to talk to someone who’s around your age

he’s just veRy businessman-y so it’s difficult to joke around with him

but he’s still a nice guy!!

speaking of yoongi and hwayoung

a bright smile makes its way onto your face when you see yoongi nudging hwayoung through the crowd of people before grabbing onto her small hand

“yoongi!” yoongi looks up and he smiles politely

he’s still dressed all spic and span in his suit from work

“ah! good afternoon, y/n. hwayoung, say good afternoon to auntie.” he hums before bending down to zip up her backpack that’s just wiDe open

relatable

“good afternoon, auntie!!” she looks up at you with bright eyes

she’s sO CuTE

“hi, hwayoung-ie!” you bend down and pinch her cheek before reaching into the pocket of your coat and fishing out a little caramel “don’t tell your dad,” you joke and yoongi snorts in response

“thank u!!!!!” she snaTches it immediately and you coo before pinching her cheek again

you get back up onto your feet “you guys on your way home now?”

“mhm. is emma still available for a playdate this sunday?” yoongi swoops hwayoung off her feet and props her up onto his hip and she immediately rests her head against his shoulder

“affirmative, sir.” you salute and yoongi rolls his eyes playfully “i-“

“emma y/l/n?” you perk up when you hear emma’s name being called

“yeah, we’ll see you sunday! have a nice night!” you turn to squeeze your way into the crowd and once you make your way to the front your heart immediately starts going boom-boom because

it’s taehyung

emma’s teacher

kim taehyung is uh

whOo

putting it simply he is a very attractive man and he’s only a couple months older than you so like you’re preTTY sure this is god’s way of telling you it’s meant to be

the only time you’ve really talk to him is during the parent-teacher conference and even theN you can barely get a word in because emma’s a little chatterbox (one time she almost let it slip that ‘mommy dressed extra pretty for you!’ and you were literally about to pounce on your child in the middle of a classroom)

he’s really sweet n nice and when he smiles that boxY grin you can’t help but smile aNd he’s endearingly dorky and super charming aND funny and he’s so good with the kids and OH my god his voice is like..,., silky smooth dark chocolate.,,.,. rich caramel.,, that u want to driZZLE all over your BODY

okay no R-rated thoughts when there are children present don’t be weird

since he’s your kid’s teacher so you’re not sure if that’s even allowed

the whole parents dating teachers thing

anyways

he looks so soft today

he’s wearing a crisp button up with a pair of jeans

he obviously let the kids mess with his hair because he has a little sproUT in his hair

and you’re pretty sure you have a glasses kink because you’ve never felt this way when seeing someone with their glasses sitting on the top of their head

“hi, yeah, that’s me- i mean, that’s not me, but that’s my child- you know what i mean” you blow a strand of hair away from your face before adjusting your backpack with a sheepish grin

woW what the hell was that lol  

taehyung presses his lips together to keep himself from bursting into chuckles

you’re so awkward sometimes but he supposes that’s just part of your charm

he wants to tell you you look real cute in your periwinkle sweater

and it’s endearing how the laces on your converse shoes are undone

no doubt from your frantic running down the hallway (he notices everything)

but of course he has to keep it professional because you are the parent of one of his students it doesn’t matTer that you’re the same age as him and that he’s very very very veRY attracted to you

“hi miss y/l/n.” taehyung smiles kindly before ticking next to your name on the clipboard “emma’ll be ready in a minute! we did finger-painting today so the kids are taking a little longer to wash up. how was your day?” he suddenly remembers the little ponYTAIL in his hair and he yanks the hair tie off quickly

“oh, y’know, the usual. i don’t know why i thought it’d be a good idea to keep studying after four whole years of studying.” you snort before pulling your own hair tie from your ponytail and letting your hair down

“i admire that! education is important.” taehyung hums

your hair looks so soft

it probably smells good too

o god he’s being creepy stop being creepy

“i suppose you’re right. what else happened…uh… had a really good caramel macchiato and a mediocre turkey sandwich for lunch-“  

“mommy!” you snap out of your little trance when emma suddenly ziPs out of the classroom

her little backpack bounces against her back

“hi baby!” you grin and swoOp down to scoop her up into your arms

you smoosh kisses against her chubby cheek while she giggles away before you plop her back down onto the ground

it takes everything within taehyung not to mELT into the ground because even tho he sees you do that basically every day it never fails to turn him into a pile of mush IT’S SO CUTE

“we finger-painted today!” she cheers and holds her paper up for you to look at

“yeah, mr kim was just telling me-“

“that’s me, n that’s you, n that’s mr. kim!” she grins and points to the third figure in the painting and almost immediately bOTH yours and tae’s faces go bright red

you think you might actually be on fire right now (even tho this isn’t the first time this has hAPPENeD) ((ur referring to the time the class made play-doh people and emma made one of you and one of tae and the play-doh versions of you two are holding hands))

“oh! that’s, heh, uh, that’s nice! that’s so good, you did a good job, baby” you clear your throat and your eyes flicker over to taehyung

he tilts his head and offers you a meek smile

“will you put it up on the fridge when we go home?” she asks as you tuck it into her backpack for her before ziPping her bag up

“mhm…” you get back up onto your feet and dust your knees off “say g’bye to mr. kim”

“bye mr. kim!” emma turns around and hugs his legs

her face is like on the same level as his knees so he’s basically kneeing her and are u an awful mother if you kinda laughed at that

“goodbye, sweetheart!” he replies with the same level of enthusiasm as he gets down onto his knees so that he can give her a proper hug and she gives him a sweet lil kiss on the cheek “have a nice weekend, hm?” his eyes flicker up to you and you feel your heart skip a beat 

emma pulls away from him and skips over to you 

“oh, and don’t forget to tie your laces, emma.” taehyung hums as he gets back up onto his feet 

you look down because you remember putting emma in slip-on converse this morning not- 

“he means you, mama.” emma not-so-subtly whispers and you look down at your undone laces before looking back up at taehyung who’s looking very amused at the moment 

there it is again 

that fuzzy feeling in your stuPid heart 

u know what you have to get over it because it’s never going to happen 

you’re an adult 

you can get over it fine 

you’ll be finE 

this is just a silly little crush

“how do you feel about spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner?” you clutch emma’s little hand in yours as you guys make your way down the empty hallway

“yummy! with extra cheese?”

“it wouldn’t be as yummy without the extra cheese… but we obviously have to go to our usual place to get a hot chocolate first…” you’re rambling on and on about hot chocolate but emma isn’t really paying attention

because she has concocted a sneaky plan in that tiny brain of hers

she knows you like mr. kim

and she’s positive mr. kim likes you back

you always get so red around him

and he always gets so red around you

and red is the colour of love

which means that you must love mr. kim and mr. kim must love you

and she’s been trying her hardest to try and get you guys to hold hands or touch butts or whatever it is grown-ups do to prove they love each other

but each time she does something she’s never successful!!!

she tried to tell mr. kim about you dressing extra pretty for him but you smacked a hand over her mouth before she could get it out

she made a play-doh mommy and a play-doh mr. kim and presented them proudly to you and mr. kim and the both of you just laUGHED in hER FACE

do you people think she’s just a SIMPLE F O O L

and she has to admit the painting of you and her and mr. kim is probably one of her weaker moves but it’s better than nothing

and u know what

she just wants you to be happy

because she loves you a lot

and you’re a good mommy

and good mommies deserve to be happy

SO

this next part is all part of her evil plan and she’s positive that this time something will happen

all of her peers (including herself) have their own cubbies in the classroom

emma purposely left her snack box in there so that you’d have a reason to go back

AND she left a little note in there for you and (hopefully) mr. kim to read

emma is your child after all

meaning she’s a very verY clever girl

she just has to wait for the right time.,.,.

and the right time is noW

“mommy, my snack box is still in the classroom!!” emma stops in her tracks and you nod before pointing to the direction of the classroom

“go ahead, go get it”

“but i need to pee.” she squeezes her legs together and makes a face of discomfort “you need to get the snack box, mommy”

“i-“ you look back at the closed door of the classroom “mommy can wait for you to finish peeing and then you can go-“

“no, no, you need to go get it i need to pEE” the next thing you know she’s spRInting towards the washroom and you’re left standing in the middle of the hallway with question marks floating around your head

what in the hickory ham is going on

“gO GET MY SNACK BOX MOMMY” you hear her voice echo from the washroom

“alRIght alright” you snort before turning and heading back to the classroom

you don’t know why you’re suddenly so nervous

you’re retrieving your daughter’s snack box from her super attractive teacher that you definitely have a crush on there’s nothing to be nervous about

hi tae! emma left the ol’ snack box up in here!

whaddup mr. kim! mind if i just pOP right in??

yo Yo yOOoo have u seen a purple box anywhere?? because it belongs to emma and i need it

o god

all of these options are terrible

you need more time to rehearse your lines-

you’re about to reach up to knock on the door when suddenly it swiNgs right open and you stumble back in surprise

“oh shit!” taehyung reaches out and grabs onto your waist before you can fall flat on your aSS and you let out a squeak

in the midst of your almost-fall you’d grabbed onto his bicep and now.,.., he has an arm…, wrapped around your waist.,., while you have one hand on his bicep and one hand curled around the nape of his neck.,,,..,.,

the two of you snap out of your respective trances when you hear a door open down the hallway and you immediately leT GO of each other

also tae was right ur hair does smell really nice

“hi. sorry about that! i was on my way to the washroom and i didn’t know you were outside…” he clears his throat and prays to god he’s not as red as a tomato right now

“no, no! it was my bad, i’m sorry.” you reach up and scratch the back of your neck “i, uh, emma said she left her snack box in here.” you breathe out

“oh, uh, come in! i’ll help you search for it. it’s probably in her cubby. she’s always leaving things in there.” taehyung falls back into his ‘mr. kim’ persona as he leads you towards the cubbies in the back “let’s see… emma… here~” he bends down and you follow suit

oh my go d he even smells good is this aLLOWed

you perk up when you spot emma’s box

“hey, you’re right! here it is-“ you reach in and grab the box but you’re surprise when you notice the piece of paper stuck to the back of it

it’s an A4 piece of paper with a little card stuck to it and a note written in crayon on it

you recognise the card

it’s the business card of that little cafe you take emma to every friday after school

the one that you’re supposed to take her to right noW

‘mommy’s faveriate drink is karomal makkiatoe and mr. kim’s faverieote drink is hot chalklate’

“huh.” both you and tae are kinda just staring at the note

the gears are click-click-clicking away in both your guys’ heads

and then it hits the both of you at the same time

oh.

oh.

taehyung isn’t typically a ballsy guy but like

he’s feeling vEry brave all of a sudden

“can i take you out sometime?” he blurts out and your eyes widen in surprise

oh

well

you certainly weren’t expecting that

the both of you get back up onto your feet and you tuck emma’s box into your backpack

your cheeks flare up and you let out a little chuckle before scratching the back of your neck “i… uh…”

“i mean, don’t feel pressured to say yes just because i’m emma’s teacher!” taehyung stammers “i just, y’know, i don’t want to overstep here but i think you’re a very beautiful woman and-“

“i would love to.” you clear your throat and take your bottom lip in between your teeth “yeah, i would love to. actually, uh- emma and i, we usually go to this cafe every friday - if you’re free right now, maybe you can come and join us?” you rub your slighTLy damp hands on the back of your jeans and taehyung immediately lightS up and nods quickly

“i would love that. yeah, just… just gimme a second to clean up real quick! i’ll meet you and emma outside?”

“great! yeah, totally. she’s just.. she’s peeing right now so i should probably go check and see that she hasn’t flushed herself down the toilet or anything” you joke as you make your way towards the door and tae splits off to head to his desk “i’ll see you outside!”

you shut the door behind you and you have to quickly press yourself against the wall and you nearly bite your bottom lip off to keep yourself from screaming

your heart is going a million miles an hour and there are butterflies just having a raVE in your stomach

as soon as you leave the room taehyung pumps a fiST into the air in victory because Y E S  HE DID IT

“did you find my box?” emma’s sitting outside the washroom as you approach her and you raise a brow before nodding

“mhm.” she gets up and grabs onto your hand before looking back at the classroom door

huh

did her plan not work

she knows she’s not supposed to say bad words but what the h*ck

she really thought her plan would work!!!!

“mr. kim’s joining us for hot chocolate today, by the way. hope you don’t mind.”  you add casually and a cheshire-cat grin takes over emma’s face

the whole time you and emma and tae are at the cafe emma can’t help but feel proud of herself

you and mr. kim are sitting very vEry close to each other in your booth chatting away while she sits opposite of you two quietly nibbling at a scone and taking small sips of her hot chocolate

S U C C E S S has never tasted so good

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

masterlist

[wackpainterkid]

Hmm maybe something about Liv’s first real gig and Noah literally standing in the front row shouting her name because he is, of course, her biggest fan ;)

First of all: thank you so much for this super cute prompt! I read it and then I was like “how can I make this even more emotional” lol. I hope you like it!

Rating: T 

1600 words

also on ao3

of love and encouragement

“How are you feeling?”

Liv let out a breath, trying to tame the nerves racing through her body. Her palms were sweaty, her heart was beating fast, her hands were just the slightest bit unsteady.

Noah watched her with a tilted head, his hair fell slightly, and his hand immediately followed to put it into place again, but his eyes stayed on her.

She could only give a truthful answer, he knew her too well to believe her lies.

“Nervous.”

Anyone would be nervous in this situation; it wasn’t every day she had to perform as the only headliner. And okay, it was only a small venue that lay far from the city center, it was only a Tuesday evening; there was free entry, but that didn’t change the fact that it was still her name on the poster, her name and her name alone.

“There’s no need to be.” He sounded so sure of himself and Liv wished she could borrow some of his faith in her, because the only thing she could think of was disaster scenarios: she forgot her lines, the power went out, no one came. “Liv, you’re going to be great. We’re all here to support you tonight.”

She looked into his eyes and felt the earnestness that emerged from his blue eyes. Liv nodded as her gaze moved to her boots.

She just didn’t want to disappoint anyone, they’d come here for her, to see her, to listen to her and if she fucked this up… well, let’s say fucking up was not an option.

“Look,” he said, claiming her attention again. “If you don’t feel like performing, I can always go on stage and sing my rendition of Miley Cyrus’ hit song ‘Best of Both Worlds’.”

Liv blinked in surprise, shaking her head along as she processed his words. It didn’t look like he was joking, not at all.

So, she told him something she had to tell him at least once a week. And, although the fondness that accompanied her words had grown over time, each time she uttered them she was as bewildered as the last.

“You’re so weird.”

Noah didn’t let it faze him, on the contrary, he just continued talking. “Or maybe I should go for ‘Gangnam Style’,” he pondered with a serious face. “I’m sure the crowd will go crazy once I start to do the dance.”

“Oh, shut up,” she told him, trying to suppress the laughter that was bubbling up. And at that moment, the moment that she completely forgot about the stress, that the love for him vanquished anything troubling her, it was okay. She was okay.

The corners of her lips rose in a smile with the realization.

“Did it work?” His eyebrow rose as he asked.

“Maybe,” she replied coyly and with a shrug, but her smile would be enough of an answer for him.

“Good.” A satisfied look graced his face. “Now go amaze everyone.” Noah squeezed her hand and winked before he left her in the backstage.

Liv watched him leave, thinking about how lucky she was that she had him. That he knew her as well as he did. Any doubts she might’ve had– about him, about them– had long vanished into thin air. They were in such a good place and she’d never been more certain.

Her phone buzzed, and she picked it off the table to check it. It was a notification.

SHOW, today at 9 pm

Pulling her skirt a bit straighter, she took one last big breath and went on stage.

The spot shone bright—too bright even— and Liv had to squint as she made her way to the microphone meant for her. She could barely discern any people in the dark room and she wasn’t entirely sure if that helped or if it made things worse.

She guessed she would soon find out.

After quietly clearing her throat, she spoke into the mic. Her voice resonated through the venue. “Hello everyone, thank you for coming today. My name is Liv and I’m going to sing a couple of songs for you.”

Once her eyes had gotten used to the harsh spotlights, she could start to vaguely make out the faces in the crowd. Her friends, her lovely friends, were all standing in the front row. Engel and Isa were holding the most adorable banner splattered with pink heart and golden stars– Engel’s doing most likely.

Noah was there too, standing with Ralph. But she didn’t even have to see him to know he was standing right in front of her, because she could hear him. Loudly.

“Woohoo Liv, you’re amazing!”

“Yeah!” Other voices joined him.

“I’m happy to see I’ve got such a fanbase tonight,” she said into the mic before laughing. Her fanbase whooped in response.

“My first song is called ‘Never Be Yours’, I hope you enjoy.”

The music began and she grabbed ahold of the microphone stand. She’d sung this song many times before. It was almost like muscle memory taking over, the words flowed out of her without thinking about it and before she knew it, the song had finished again.

The crowd applauded and she bowed her head in gratitude.

“For my next song, I’m going to sing a cover of a Jorja Smith song called ‘The One.’”

“Great song choice!” Noah yelled.

Liv rolled her eyes; he had been the one to suggest it.

One night, he heard her sing it as she was preparing dinner for them. That had begun a quest on his part to get her to sing it as often as possible. She refused most of the time—she didn’t want to get sick of the song—but when they were discussing her setlist and Liv wasn’t completely certain which song she should cover, Noah had simply shrugged and said that she should sing Jorja Smith. For once, Liv couldn’t deny it was the perfect song to sing and Noah had been smug about it ever since.

So, she sang it and Noah seemed as content and smug as could be, showering her with even more shouted compliments the moment she stopped singing.

By the almost end of her show, Liv was certain everyone who didn’t personally know them was wondering who that very vocal spectator was.

“This is my last song–”

“Nooo,” was the immediate reaction.

Liv smiled. “I know, sad right? But I truly think I left the best for last.”

She had.

Because this song, this song was special.

It had grown out of a hum, something she’d subconsciously do every time they were together. Every time the same melody. He had noticed, of course he had noticed. He would watch her with his gaze that made her feel too exposed sometimes and smiled before saying her name softly. Sometimes it was a question, sometimes just a remark. It was always just her name. No pressure, no demand. Just “Liv.”

The hum became clearer, more voluminous in her head, a distinct melody repeating itself over and over again. It had, unbeknownst to Noah, become their song. The song that played on a loop when she watched him in the mornings she woke up before him, when they visited museums and he gave her a meticulous explanation of the works there; it even played when they kissed as if they were part of some cheesy rom-com soundtrack.

“I’d like to dedicate this song to all of the incredible people in my life.” Him. “All of the artists.” Him. ” All of the weirdos.” Him.

It was for him.

He didn’t know she was planning on singing it here; he didn’t even know of its existence. It had been her own top-secret project. It had been a challenge because he was always around—she wasn’t complaining in the slightest— and writing a song wasn’t a particularly easy thing to hide. She’d sent him away with excuses of homework, of Skype calls with her parents in Spain, of date nights with Isa, which was actually true, but she then proceeded to let Isa listen to the song. (“Liv, you’re going to make him cry.” “Is it weird that I kinda want to?”)

This was important for her to do, because she was maybe not always the most vocal about how she felt about him, and she could be stubborn and frustrating, and they fought sometimes. But she loved him. And he deserved this.

The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop and then there was a hum. It started with a hum. And Liv decided that she was happy to be able to see the faces of the crowd, because the expression on Noah’s wasn’t something she’d ever forget. His face lit up as he recognized the familiar sound and there was only amazement and curiosity in his eyes.

She didn’t break eye contact with him while she sang and she saw his surprise transform into something sentimental, more and more touching as the song progressed. And while for her first song she could sing on autopilot, now she was paying attention to every word that came out of her mouth, every emphasis she put, because it all mattered so much.

Liv sang her final note and she was about ninety percent sure that Noah was on the verge of crying. And she’d managed to shut him up. While his cheering had completely stopped, the other people in the crowd were clapping and whistling as loudly as they could, creating a thundering and overwhelming noise.

She did it.

Liv bowed one last time before exiting.

It took him less than three minutes to find her afterwards.

“Liv?”

“Yes?”

He just kissed her.

No words needed.

[ryouverua]

Kirumi Tojo FTE - (Kaede #1)

“It would be a shame to die on an empty, unsatisfied stomach.”

That’s actually a good question. This is a sealed space, after all, and they have to come from somewhere.

Kaede has spent half of this chapter being hungry lmao

Even now, after the big reveal, thinking about how they managed to get perishable food in is pretty interesting. When I’d been speculating originally, most of them involved it being a sealed area with the students/captors relying on them being able to be self-sufficient in some way? There was a lot of greenery, they had machinery, lots of open space to potentially grow things but it also seemed like they had to have been bringing stuff in from outside of the end wall...

But no, it was a show small-scale or truly global is still up to debate but yeah. Assuming this wasn’t a VR world, and considering how we literally managed to figure out that the mastermind was one of the 16 students (that this was a sealed space), they were going to have to get the food in here somehow. That could actually lend well to the idea of it being fine out there, and them having the resources to bring in all sorts of high-quality food for the students? From what I remember, Kirumi was able to create a lot of interesting dishes for them, and even seems to have been able to diversify them based on the likes and dislikes of each students, which seems to imply them having a whole system set up to deliver food on a regular basis, as well as them having the funds to customize as well? Just some food for thought badum tsssh

someone really needs to stop me

again I must emphasize that I did not give her her own gloves, literally the same gloves that gave her away and ultimately sentenced her to death

I forgot that she has the same voice actor as Virgilia whoops lol

Holy shit did that come off as unintentionally brutal to anyone else or is that just me -

people always ask how to romanize my name, ‘tojo’ or ‘toujo’, and I always tell them the same thing - ‘how dare you speak to me’

“Why does someone climb a mountain, Kirumi? Because it’s there.”

Oh god, what a depressing life that must be. I mean, I know it’s her whole talent and basically encompasses her everything, but the idea of only ever expecting people to approach you because they want or need something...

.... I can.... see, maybe, why she would be able to put some cognitive distance between herself and the others. It’s like some weird, bizarre superiority complex, in that by serving everyone she almost has power over them?

Mind you, I don’t know if I’d have reached all these conclusions without the experience of Chapter 2 behind me, but I have to say it’s really neat to read these now after-the-fact.

THAT A GIRL KAEDE

She’s baffled, damn.

Interesting how she still turns it into a ‘request’, though. Hmm... does she really not know how to operate outside of the ‘maid’ paradigm?

One step at a time, Kaede. She really is a ‘fixer’ type of person, huh?

KAEDE FKSDLJG

This is hilarious - is she talking about general demeanor? Colour scheme? Hobbies? Interests? Hairstyles?? You’ve barely talked, do you know that for a fact? I mean, have you not been showing a lot of interest in our other resident monochrome quiet kid, Shuichi?!

She actually took out a notebook???

...............

Why are so many of her FTEs bringing up food.

O-Okay, I mean, I guess we’re in the kitchen... but still.

Well shit now I wonder if anyone had allergies and if that could have been a potential problem or way to kill someone?

How much do you bet there’s been at least one peanut allergy that has been weaponized in the past -

and honestly I know so many people with allergy issues - like, huge ones - like all seeds and nuts, etc, and they’d be so fucked in this setting tbh

Wait, really? Not a single one? Not a hankering for chocolate or a dislike of eel or something? Nothing?!

That is so on-brand for a protagonist that you’re supposed to be able to project onto lmao

alas

no seriously how could you not have any food preferences whatsoever -

.... Buckwheat pillows are a thing???

WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING lmao I’m going full hostile here

The idea of Kaede getting all riled up over the most milquetoast questions is hilarious.

‘Wow Kaede I can’t believe you saw through my devious plan to smother all of my classmates with their favourite pillows -’

SHE LAUGHED

I’M LIVING

Finally a crack in the veneer!

I know right?!

Okay, onto less paranoid answers! Though given how Kaede ended up acting post-timeline announcement, a more paranoid Kaede isn’t exactly out of character... but anyway!

“Because,” flips notebook, “we have a lot to cover here. Air freshener scents, shampoos, the ideal housekeeping time, morning tea or coffee and the preferred brew -”

To be fair, there’s not exactly a hostile way of taking these questions, right?

.... Right?

Kaede, shaking Kirumi vigorously: “WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING -”

She always looks so intense when she’s saying things like this, damn. You will take her service, damn it, and you will enjoy it and benefit from it -

..... And now, onto the last (and kind of dumb but in a cute way) answer!

Thanks for the input, Kaede!

More importantly it’s important that your head is well-supported so you don’t mess up your neck. Honestly, you just underestimate the importance of a well-cared-for neck until it’s all strained and tight. 8′)

What, are you going to design, sew and hand-stuff the pillows themselves? Where are you going to get the things needed for that?

.... How much is in that warehouse exactly?!?!

You said it yourself! Pillows are important!

Ah, she really does take this all very seriously...

Seriously, her talent may be one of the few that seem to be engaged at all times. I mean, everyone else is informed by their talents - their personalities, their attitudes, and maybe their more passive thoughts - but she’s the only one who never seems to have an off-switch. That’s... pretty awful? And all-consuming? I’d say if it works for her it’s okay, but it... really... didn’t, in the end. It led to her making some pretty cold decisions in the end.

it’s okay kirumi you can tell us you like kaede and shuichi the best and kokichi and miu the least

well up until the end of trial 2 for shuichi anyway lmao

1) Maki, Miu and Kokichi would be hell to ask about even basic questions like these

2) I suddenly, desperately want to know what Korekiyo’s answers are to some of these things because I bet they’d be hilarious

3) How many bug- and wilderness- related concessions will she have to make for Gonta to feel comfortable

4) Will she have to talk Kaito down from attempting to go with something similar to Eau d’Axe Bodyspray for his room

kaede is just another client to her feelsbadman

So. Did her caring nature grow with her talent? Her talent must have grown from her own initial inclinations, but it seems like a lot of it is also from her hyper-competency, right? That’s what defines her as an Ultimate.

... Does she solely like ‘taking care of people’? Thinking of, for example, Kaito - who vicariously lives through his ‘sidekicks’ - does she get her pleasure from the job from seeing them succeed? There’s definitely some selfishness wrapped up in here (chapter 2), and I’m kinda... hoping it’ll be explored a bit more. A lot of the most interesting parts of her characters really did come out in the later stages, so I’m wondering if we’re going to see hints of that soon. Maybe Kaede can quiz her back or something! and who the hell knows how Shuichi’s will go tbh

I guess we did a bit? This did feel more like a client-relationship, but I guess it’s something?

‘The mothering type’ I cannot believe -

and so it begins.

[midnightblaine]

Breaking Open - Klaine Advent 2018

Notes: I uploaded this part yesterday on AO3 but forgot to do it on here lol. I’ll be playing catching up now that I’m on break to hopefully finish it before december ends.

Day 5: Exclude

AO3

Blaine didn’t like going shopping anymore.

He knew he had been going overboard with the cronuts and the international food, the pints of ice cream that found their way to his hands every time he binged some show on his laptop. He was acutely aware that he only exercised once a week when he had stage combat.

He had gotten fatter than he ever thought possible.

And okay, maybe it was just a handful of pounds, but they showed. His chinos didn’t fit as well as they used to, digging into his waist, stretching more than usual across his thighs. His ass was getting bigger and jigglier. He couldn’t look at himself too long in the mirror without wanting to forego food altogether.

Going shopping meant he had to look for slightly bigger clothes and that was unthinkable. Buying new clothes meant accepting defeat, accepting that he wasn’t going to ever lose the weight he had gained. He wasn’t a quitter.

He made a plan of steering clear of the bottoms section of the store, going straight to the bowties, picking a new one for good luck. He needed all the luck he could get.

*

He stood outside of Callbacks, far away from the entrance line. Alessia and he had agreed to meet fifteen minutes before the concert was bound to start. She was nowhere in sight.

Blaine felt his heartbeat picking up. He had to tear his gaze away from the end of the block, hoping Alessia would arrive at any minute. He looked down at his clothes and wondered if he had time to go back home and change, surely purple suspenders weren’t appropriate attire for a night out. His plaid shirt felt too rural, he was wearing the wrong pair of shoes. He was getting anxious.

He almost dropped his phone when it suddenly vibrated with an incoming message.

Alessia NYADA – 7:45 PM: I’m so so so sorry Blaine

Alessia NYADA – 7:45 PM: I couldn’t finish this project on time

Alessia NYADA – 7:45 PM: I HAVE to submit it before midnight I can’t make it :(

Alessia NYADA – 7:45 PM: I’m sorry

There it was, a sign from god that he wasn’t supposed to be at the concert. He was leaving.

He started walking towards his apartment when another incoming text alerted him.

Alessia NYADA – 7:46 PM: Already texted Kurt, he’s going out to get you. Have fun for me.

Blaine stopped dead on his tracks. What was she thinking?! He couldn’t go inside there alone! He didn’t know anybody! A lot of them were in his classes but they had never exchanged a word. Most important of all, he couldn’t face Kurt by himself, what would he even say?

Before he could get too worked up and find a good enough excuse to leave immediately he saw Kurt walking out of the bar, his searching eyes finding Blaine easily and shooting him a smile as he walked towards him, greeting people as he went.

Blaine was screwed.

He hadn’t planned for this, for having to speak to the boy he had a massive crush on without a friend to fall back on when he inevitably turned into the awkward, fumbling mess he was. He took a fortifying breath and greeted Kurt when he was close enough.

“Hi.”

Yes, that was fine. Kurt had this concerned look on his face for a moment, before it was quickly put behind a pleased smile.

“Blaine! It’s so good to see you!” Kurt went to hug him, only faltering for a moment before he went for it, enveloping Blaine in his arms.

Before his brain could even catch up and do anything other than try to breathe, Kurt was pulling away, steering him towards Callbacks with a hand on the small of Blaine’s back.

“Sorry about your friend, classes can get tough sometimes,” he told him. Blaine was still thinking of something smart to say. “I hope you have a good time here. I noticed some of the people waiting are classmates of yours,” Kurt tried to be reassuring.

Blaine barely talked to anybody at school and he doubted a night at a karaoke bar would change that. He tried to give Kurt a encouraging smile that felt a lot more like a grimace.

They walked through a small door on the side of the building that led directly to some sort of backstage/changing room where Dani, Elliot and a few other people were. All their eyes fell on him.

He hunched over in dread, taking a short step back to try and hide behind Kurt but he was led to stand before the others with Kurt’s hand rubbing his shoulders. His cheeks were flaming red, he was sure.

“Guys, this is Blaine,” Kurt said, grabbing his shoulder more surely. “Blaine, these are the guys: Dani, Elliot, singers; Bill, Allan, Sabrina, guitar, bass and drums, respectively.”

“Nice to meet you,” Blaine muttered, still infinitely intimidated.  

Dani was the first to approach, kissing both of his cheeks and telling him how cute he was. The guys with the instruments all waved at him good naturedly and Elliot came to him, smirking all the way at Kurt before he gave Blaine a hearty handshake.

“Blaine, glad you could make it. Kurt here was very worried you wouldn’t show up.”

Blaine had no idea how to respond to that. Luckily, Kurt was busy shooting daggers at Elliot.

“We have to head out soon, let’s get you seated.”

Blaine tried to wish everyone good luck in a small voice and hurried after Kurt to the front where it was bustling with people. All the tables next to the stage were occupied, everyone was drinking and talking, the atmosphere was charged with anticipation. Blaine was going to be sick.

“Here,” Kurt pulled him to a stool next to the bar, close enough to the stage to see absolutely everything. “Here you won’t get bothered, the front tables tend to get a little rowdy.”

The boy was ignoring absolutely everyone in the bar who was looking at him trying to get his attention. He had eyes only for Blaine. Blaine didn’t know how to react. He felt like he didn’t know a lot of things.

“I have to run but thank you again, Blaine, for coming. I hope you like it.”  

Before Blaine could do more than simply nod dumbly, Kurt was gone, rushing towards the back to join his friends. Blaine felt like he was in a ridiculously elaborate dream. He was known for having those regularly. He was so out of his dept it would be funny if he didn’t feel like he was going to cry.

He sat there, wondering if the bartenders carded people. He had never had a fake ID and he was too much a lightweight, but he felt like he needed a drink, a strong drink.

He was still debating whether to ask for something to drink or not when a heartening applause made him look towards the stage. One Three Hill was occupying the stage, grabbing their microphones and instruments, greeting the crowd. They all looked amazing.

Kurt started them off, thanking everyone for their presence and introducing the band, rattling off all their names and being his usual charming self. Blaine sat there fascinated.

Being on a stage, under the spotlight, with the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. That was were Kurt was supposed to be, his true place in the world. He was enthralling. He announced their opening song and the three of them, Kurt, Dani and Elliot began to sing.

They were incredibly good. Those videos Blaine had watched obsessively didn’t do them justice in the slightest. Each of their voices was completely unique and they all had such contrasting personalities that seemed to fit perfectly. Blaine was sold, as was most of the crowd as far as he could tell.

Roaring applause followed the first song’s final notes and Blaine couldn’t help but try to clap the loudest. He was grinning from ear to ear, adrenaline rushing through him like he had been the one on the stage. He felt so proud of them.

Kurt came forward on stage and announced a solo performance from Dani who was bouncing about excitedly. She then explained it was a song she had written herself and the proceeded to blow everyone’s minds.

The drummer, Kurt and Elliot were all providing background vocals as Dani brought the house down.

“…like a skyscraper,” she held a soft note as everyone came to their feet.

Blaine had never been so glad he hadn’t missed a social event. These people were so talented and raw and gorgeous, he felt privileged to see them perform live.

“Thank you, guys,” Elliot addressed the audience, making everyone fall silent in a heartbeat. Kurt drew a delighted Dani to his arms. “And thank you, Dani, for giving us an incredibly hard act to follow. As part of our comeback setlist, we wanted to perform a song that Kurt and I used to sing during the first rehearsals of the band but never really got a chance to perform in front of an audience,” he shot a smile directly at Kurt who rolled his eyed but was grinning nonetheless. “Until now,” it felt like witnessing a private moment, an inside joke only the two of them were in on. Blaine felt a twisting hole in his chest at the sight.

Dani ran to grab a guitar as Elliot looked at the audience again. “So, let’s go.”

I believe in a thing called love was the last song Blaine would have thought Kurt would be performing that night. It suited him though, it suited them. Kurt and Elliot, who rather than sing to the crowd, were singing to each other, teasing each other, pointing at each other. They were having fun, going as far as leaving the stage to weave through the crowd without missing a beat.

Sweltering heat began creeping under Blaine’s collar, making him tug at his bowtie in discomfort. Had it been that hot in there before?

Kurt perched himself on a table directly in Blaine’s line of sight as Elliot climbed onto the frigging bar. The audience was eating everything up, cheering and whooping as they performed. In an instant, Kurt’s eyes found his in the crowd, he was beaming, open and carefree. Blaine had to look away.

Kurt continued his song with Elliot.

“I want to kiss you, every minute, every hour, every day…”

Blaine felt an acute need to get out of there.

The song finished with a standing ovation, cheers flooded the place as Kurt and Elliot came down from their high. Elliot threw his arms around Kurt excitedly, spinning him around as they laughed.

Blaine watched everyone in the audience clapping and whistling, catcalling at them. They were all eager to hear more, to see more. A current of electricity was cutting through the air. Everyone was having a great time, drinking, hanging out with friends. Blaine felt excluded from it all.

He left his stool and fought his way to the door. There were people still waiting to go inside, to witness the sheer spectacle that was One Three Hill.

On his way home, Blaine told himself that he had left because his social skills and introvert tendencies had had enough interactions with people for one day. He resolutely did not think once of Kurt and Elliot, their intense chemistry and how good they looked together.  

[mwagneto]

So. Let's watch CA:CW then

Right, Bucky is in this movie. I kinda forgot about that

Omg that's crossbones!!!

Aww Steve has a lil "A" on his shoulder!!

Scarjo bad Natasha hot

BITCH WANDA BLEW UP A WHOLE DAMN BUILDING FILLED WITH CIVILIANS

omg is that baby tony????? IT IS IM SOBBING

THIS FUCKIN DRAMA QUEEN BUILT A FLASHBACK MASCHINE I'M

Tony is so depressed and guilt-driven I'm :(

Steve wanted to know when tony arrives huh 👀👀

That Steve/Tony eyecontact during the discussion scene is making me feel hngjvdnhcdb

Oh THAT'S how they insert Zemo into the MCU???? BULL-FUCKING-SHIT

S.h.i.e.l.d. fell??? When did that happen lol

Just lift your head of my god... The water doesn't reach your nose... Stupid ass

So that's were that Tony facepalm comes from!! Lmfaoo

Steve (canonically) knows Tony so well omgggg

God I love stony

Steve has a smartphone??

Steve, in the middle of an important, life-changing discussion, just said "I have to go" and pelted to London???? I...don't think it works like that

Nat "i didn't want you to be alone" Sam is right there??? Shut up lol

OMG BABY T'CHALLA I LOVE HIM 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

"Baba" "nya" I love them!!

T'CHAKA NOOOOO FFUFUUCUCUCCKK :(( i knew he was gonna die but still 😭😭😭

My senses literally refuse to accept this straight bullshit idk what's happening but "spying on my from across the hall??? When the hell was that

The blondie said she has to go to work but doesn't she work for shield?? Shield is down isn't it?? So where is she going????

Oooh kitty is here to whoop some winter soldier ass I am HERE for this

Oh so Rhodey and T'challa know each other huh 👀👀👀

On one hand Ew hets :/ but on the other hand OMG THEY'RE MAKING PAPRIKÁS IM SCREAMING MY HUNGARIAN ASS OFF

Oh god that's Martian freemando and his accent is painfully terrible

Also he's incredibly short compared to Cap and Sam lmfaoo

Omg Steve and Tony's whole conversation in that office I'm 😭😭 I was gonna write those here but instead I'm making it a different post because I can't stop crying over it

"she's a kid" Steve she's like 25

Steve that's a HELICOPTER you're SO FUCKING STUPID

Oh god Spider-man is in this movie??????

OH MY GOD CLINT

OH MY GOD CLINT ACTUALLY SAID SOMETHING FUNNY!! ITS ALMOST LIKE SOMEONE BACKSTAGE HAS A BASIC IDEA OF WHAT HIS CHARACTER IS LIKE!! IM SCREAMING

Also Wanda used a knife???? The Magneto jumped out

Wanda almost killed vision???? What the fuck

OKOYE

Wait whom the fuck is the blonde bitch?? Why is she making out with Steve??? What in the ass????

ANT MAN IS IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE??? ANYONE ELSE????? LITERALLY, ANYONE ELSE WANNA JOIN OR ARE YOU DONE

"and you've been a complete idiot [Steve]" drag him babey

God this whole fight is :(

Both teams are black, silver, red and blue, the only other colour is Tony's gold suit and vision, it's so beautifully colour coordinated I love it

"Mr stark said you'd say that [cap]" tony knows Steve so well ahh they both know each other so well it's making me cryyyy💞😭

"GIVE ME BACK MY RHODEY" OMMGMFHMFJM MY RHFE HEART 😭💞💞💞💞

"I'm Clint" "I don't care" DRAG HIM KITTY

RHODEY NOOOO FUUCK!!!! I knew this was gonna happen bc I remember this part but 😭😭

"I'm not the one that needs to watch their back" - Nat | what?? Is she threatening tony?? Why would he need to watch his back?? Lmao

"you need to watch your back, chances are he's gonna break it" what is this with Tony and people telling him to watch his back??? Like

"Hank always said, "you can never trust a Stark"" Scott what the fuck are you talking about?? Why would you have trusted tony in the first place???? You broke the law and then fought a stark and you're bitching about trust?? Go fuck yourself

TONY CALLED HIM "STEVE" AAAAA

"you have to find Steve alone and as a friend" "easy" SCREAM!!!

"I'll put you on hold I like to watch the line blink" TONY WHY ARE YOU SO ASDGHSGJS

Steve: *eases his posture* *softly* good to see you tony :) | Tony: you too Cap :) | Me: *sobbing* i lllove yyoyu so muchch

Even their walking is in sync i'm :")

OK I REMEMBER MOST OF THE STUFF THAT HAPPENS FROM HERE COZ I'VE SEEN IT A BILLION TIMES SO I'LL JUST GO CRY NOW

Mr Truthful just lied to Tony's face! Fuck this whole scene

God I wanna die

"he's not gonna stop" they.know.each.other.so.well😭😭😭😭

Ugh even without his suit Tony is so good at aiming and hand-to-hand, it amazes me sometimes

T'challa has widdle feet paws I'm 😭😭

"he's my friend" "so was I" FUCKING STAB ME WHY DON'T YOU

So tony really thought cap was gonna smash his face with that shield huh...im okay...

God TONYS WHIMPERING JUST FUCKING KILLED ME I HATE THIS MOVIE

"locks can be replaced, but maybe they shouldn't" DID STEVE JUST SAY HE WANTS TO COME BACK TO THE COMPOUND AAAAAA

T EH FUCCKINGGN FLIP PHONE

"IF YOU NEED ME I'LL BE THERE" YOU CAN SAY I LOVE YOU ITS OKAY

God fuck this movie was. Well it sure was something.

[violetemerald]

Or watch the version with all sorts of potentially distracting, potentially just explanatory, text on top of the  screen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Htd9luUsMe8

I had to delete the first copy of the no-text version and re-render/re-upload because I forgot to list Shameless as a fandom in the end credits. And I wanted to fix a small 1 frame black gap. But yeah there are actually 33 fandoms, not 32, I had missed one when counting them up, whoops!! XD For the original posting with the text all over, the original text version, I’m not deleting and re-posting because it’s an entry in a contest, but the mistakes are still present in there. But yeah this is my entry for the 3rd and Final round of the Who You Are contest GlowingAprilSky has been hosting, season 2. The round was called "Journey Backwards" and the rules stated here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVJHoaJ-cDE explain: "Start from where you are now, and go back to the beginning of your story. Show me all about you and your story." 

Ask if you want me to type up the voiceovers.

Starting off with where I'm at currently in my life, I just turned 28 years old and I'm:

1. starting to do real Asexual Activism including last weekend I presented at one workshop and at one caucus at the Creating Change (an LGBTQ) conference in my city, I'm

2. employed and doing well at my administrative assistant type contractor job in a government building, I'm

3. learning to face my grief over my friend perpetrating a murder-suicide. See this video for more info: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGPFGnZ3XEE

4. I live with my wonderful dad as an adult with no intention of moving out anytime soon, and my dad has been having a few health diagnosis things lately and needs heart surgery to put in a defibrillator very soon

(Now those 4 are all kinda overlapping and at once. I'm trying to do this whole vid in reverse-chronological order, but my dad specifically found out in December he'd need to get a defibrillator ASAP so that a fairly likely sudden heart event will, instead of almost certainly killing him, much more likely him surviving it, surgery has now been scheduled for February, whereas it was still the end of November when my suicidal podcasting partner murdered his wife before ending his own life. But my grief over that friend of mine I did a podcast with, the part of this that is “my story”, is an ongoing thing (as grief often is)-that spans both before and after me finding out about my dad's recent news with his health. Similarly ongoing is me living with him as it's a “for many years” situation that's still important to capture SOMEWHERE for an autobiographical vid. Etc. So I was trying my best and picking when and how to capture a lot of this.

The car crash happened when I was distracted and near-tears over my breakup because of the music I was listening to too intensely and I think that's one of the "life events in my story" that I won't be forgetting any time soon.

So much of this vid is more personal than I can explain, little choices of scenes that ring truer than you could even know.

I think blogging helped me a lot with processing my asexuality and my mother's abuse, and I did it for years and still do it. I started about my mom on tumblr in 2010 even maybe but my real WordPress blog I started in 2014.

Around 1:43-1:48 in the video is me having started attending Asexual Meetups in mid-2014! Which is a HUGE deal, all my closest friends since then were pretty much from that group plus I organize the meetups a lot of the time now, host in my house etc!

Right after that, 1:48-1:52 I kinda "gloss over" my uncle's suicide which really was a pretty huge traumatic deal, and I still am grieving him in some ways, of course I am, he was such a great guy. I went on a suicide prevention walk last summer (2016) with him in mind but that didn't make it into the video, eventually I'll finish a full vid themed just around loved ones of suicidal people, I already started such a vid around then...

I really stressed before I knew about asexuality about being a 22 year old person who had never been kissed, being a 23 year old virgin, about being a social failure. I believed the amatonormative idea's like what John says to Sherlock ( https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/04/amatonormativity-expectations/ ) and I tried online dating and finally went on a date and had a first kiss, as soon as I healed from my foot surgery. I had this final foot surgery right after I graduated college. I spent a lot of my life on crutches, in casts, if you add up all 3 surgeries, the chronic foot pain after I first broke it is an important part of "my story" so I wanted to jam it in there. Go OTH for having a realistic recovery time and elevating Haley's foot a lot. ;) Not the 5 pillow high like me since it was so painful and needed to be so elevated but... STILL. XD

Blake on Criminal Minds is maybe the only Linguist I've ever seen on TV? Not realistic at all and I think a lot of what they call Forensic Linguistics is just myth and Criminal Minds is a pretty imperfect show but whatever. :P

I also "glossed over" just how important and involved I was in atheist circles, although the fact that I later volunteered for a hotline where people might call in and say "I think I'm an atheist" for 2.5 years maybe gives you some idea. My podcast was about atheism, and I also occasionally organize atheist meetups and regularly attend some atheist and freethinker meetup groups since around mid-2015. I'd like to probably make a full length atheism vid at some point. :P Which is a weird topic but I'd like to try. There's... There's NO good representation that goes far enough at all on TV, but I appreciate Grey's Anatomy a lot for doing what they've done with Jackson, and I'm glad Kurt on Glee was an atheist while being a beloved person who isn't even known for being too scientific or anything. Appreciate less that Grey's Anatomy, in season 14's premiere, seemingly erased Amelia's atheism that was first present on Private Practice (see this vid above)... :P

I withdrew from Chemistry, Semantics 2, and Infectious Human Disease in college. Those left W's on my transcript, which are better than failing. I had to make up the credits by taking summer classes at a different college in order to graduate on time (took French and Biological Athropology classes as my credits instead over two summers). I also "dropped", penalty free, Russian, and Medieval Spanish History. Senior year of high school I was living with my grandmother and lonely and became truly unhealthily addicted to vidding, which I still clearly am now a decade later but I think vidding is a part of my story that didn't make it into the vid (perhaps that would have been too meta?) lol... but I started then, senior year of high school, to get worse grades. My straight-A, I'm naturally smart and will succeed and am a little bit of a perfectionist tendencies were suddenly just flipped and not true really?? XD

Hopefully most of this is fairly self-explanatory. The court stuff could be pretty traumatic so I tried to capture those feelings... I've vidded stuff about my abusive mom before and about Beverly/Scarlett in general, and about Maggie/Abby in both a collab and my first ever personal vid about my mom... I was trying to vid mainly stuff I haven't before in those vids. :) I appreciate for my own sake the variety. And I rushed the ending to squeeze in some of me as a little kid.

I think I still belong with my dad, my whole life is tied together by my great dad. :) But also I just liked that Molly is a young girl and happy and that smile would be a fun way to end the video... :P I wasn't sure when I was editing it that that scene was really about my dad, until I was adding the text on top of the screen.

There is plenty left out but I'm pretty happy with this current result in terms of most of the really significant parts of my life story.

I think this song is about wanting "To let go of the pain I've held so long", to get from the bad to somewhere better. I think I'm pretty close to finding somewhere I belong in my life. I think this summarizes my past pretty well though, it's a little too angsty of a song but the lyrics are honestly HOPEFUL in some ways. It's about, as the bridge says, knowing yourself now that you do this on your own, it's about wounds healing, finding yourself!

Anyway... if you've read the whole description, WOW thank you for being so invested in learning more about my life. :P

[shima-draws]

I'd love to hear you sing! And can we hear about the MBAV au? And you're right about Benny's hair, I've been sitting here for an hour attempting to do it and aaaaaaaaa

PPFPFT I’ve gotten a lot of positive response so I guess I. Will post that tomorrow hhGHH

Omg yeah seriously;; Benny’s hair is impossible I don’t know how it DEFIES LOGIC??

Anyway

NSKDBBJDDB SURE I would love to talk about it!!So uhh it’s called the Grim Reaper AU? It’s pretty obvious where this is going but allow me to further enlighten youBut yeah get ready for one helluva ride this is SUPER SUPER LONG I’M SORRY it’s like 3k words (the length of a good oneshot holy shit SHIMA WHY) but hey I have been developing this AU for three years now sOOkay here we goIt all starts out when Benny and Ethan are on their way to school and Benny notices they’re being followed by this strange girl dressed in black—but for some reason nobody else is able to see her except for Benny. After school he corners her alone and starts questioning her (he also kinda threatens her a little bit;; tells her to stay away from Ethan since he’s an overprotective cupcake). She reveals that she’s a Grim Reaper and her job is to, well. Bring lives to an end as they’re written down in her book. Basically everyone is fated to die at a certain time in their lives, and Grim Reapers are the ones to carry their souls over to the other side. And after a bit more goading she admits that yes, Ethan is fated to die in two days’ time and she’s been assigned to carry his soul over.Rest is under the cut to save yourselves from endless scrolling whoops

Anyway understandably Benny FLIPS OUT and starts begging her to maybe not kill his best friend? Please? But she says that it must absolutely be done, it’s fate that’s already been written and if she isn’t there when he dies to take care of him his soul might get snatched up by a demon or a witch instead (so yes, Grim Reapers are seen as GOOD in this AU). She apologizes and says that he just needs to come to terms with it (hint: he’s not going to do that ever no thanks). The next day Ethan definitely notices something’s off with Benny, but he can’t get him to spill about what’s going on. Ethan becomes super worried about him and goes to Sarah for advice, while Benny goes to confront the GR again. And he asks something extremely…risky.Benny offers to trade his life for Ethan’s, if it’s possible. The Grim Reaper is shocked and tells him the only way that would work was if Benny signed a contract to become a Grim Reaper himself, but that would mean cutting off all ties to the human world and his friends, and that his mortal body would die and it would basically mean he’s actually dead to everyone. Benny signs the contract and takes the deal, and bam. He becomes a Grim Reaper ;w; (Also one of his eyes turns red so that’s cool. Usually when one becomes a GR both eyes turn red but since Benny also has magic that part of him is shown in his green eyes)Meanwhile Ethan suddenly has a massive panic attack, almost like he can TELL that something’s very wrong with Benny (since they’re connected in that way :3c)  He runs home to find that Benny isn’t there, and that, well—Benny isn’t anywhere. Benny’s grandma is out of town at the mo, so he decides to search himself with the help of Rory and Sarah. They look all night and they’re about to call the police when Benny’s grandma shows up and tells them the news. Ethan passes out from shock, and the next day he wakes up and tries to deny the fact that his best friend is gone forever. Eventually the truth hits him hard and he shuts everybody out, even Sarah. He goes into a major depressive slump and doesn’t speak or even leave his room for days. It’s really bad;;Benny, on the other hand, is learning the basics of how to be a Grim Reaper, and is mortified to know that sometimes fate doesn’t take care of things the way it should and that for some of the deaths he has to take the person out himself (and he gets a wicked scythe he uses to end lives. Ooooh) He refuses at first, saying he doesn’t want to kill anybody, but that’s part of the job description and he signed a contract so he absolutely has to. Benny runs off from the mission, enraging Grim Reaper Girl, who sort of acts as his superior and tutor (I’m going to call her GRG for short). Benny decides he’s going to check on Ethan, which is a HUGE no no in the Grim Reaper world—any ties to old friends and family must be forgotten and it’s super forbidden to try and peer into your past life, all that jazz. Normally when one becomes a GR they forget about their past life but!! Our boy is special so he remembers everything. And yeah Benny doesn’t give a shit about getting in trouble and comes back to White Chapel to see his boyf and make sure he’s doing okay.Unfortunately Ethan is NOT doing okay, and after sneaking in through his window Benny starts rambling on worriedly, thinking that Ethan can’t see or hear him since GR’s are invisible to most people. Buuuut he kinda forgot that Ethan’s a seer so in most cases he can see things other people can’t, and Ethan FREAKS the fuck out when he sees Benny standing in his bedroom with this badass cloak and GR clothing. He immediately bursts into tears and like TACKLES Benny to the ground in a hug and doesn’t let him go for twenty minutes while Benny explains what’s been going on.They talk for a while and Ethan is so fucking relieved that Benny’s okay and he’s also really pissed that Benny didn’t warn him or try to figure out some other way to avoid the consequences but?? It’s too late now so. Ethan begs Benny to come back and visit sometimes even though it could get him into BIG TROUBLE and after a moment of hesitation Benny’s like “yeah okay” and then he spends the night and they cuddle in Ethan’s bed and Ethan has a nightmare and cries on Benny and it’s a sad but fluffy timeThe next day GRG comes to Ethan’s window and chews Benny out for both running out on the mission AND for visiting old friends when he knows he’s not supposed to. Benny, being the adorable muffin he is, is able to convince her to let him visit White Chapel every once in a while, or at least get more jobs near there so he can keep an eye on his squad. Ethan wakes up during their little spat and Benny tells him he has to leave. Of course Ethan protests and begs him to stay longer but he can’t because he has to work so!! Ethan tells him to come back soon and that he’ll be waiting and Benny makes him promise to go to school and try to act normal and ABOVE ALL smile when things get hard. Ethan gives him one last hug that becomes super intimate oops and now they’re sort of realizing that they might have a thing for each other??Ethan goes back to school to the amazement of his friends and apologizes for acting like such a dick to them. They can tell that he seems happier for some reason and they’re still bummed about Benny. Ethan wants to tell them that B’s fine but he doesn’t want to risk Benny getting in trouble so he decides to keep his GR status a secret (though he’s pretty sure Benny’s grandma knows, since she’s been acting normal, if a little bit saddened).Benny returns to work and completes his very first mission, having getting past his fears of “killing” others. And it’s amazing when he ends lives (I know that sounds awful bear with me) because he can see all of the memories the person has had—their most joyful and sad and everything else. Benny meets the soul and ushers them on to the afterlife, being able to do so easily after seeing their life story, and something that will happen every time somebody dies. He talks with GRG about a lot of things and they have a Moment™ as she shares her past and how she wishes she could remember who she was as a human. At this point she’s sort of become like a sisterly figure to Benny—she cherishes him and wants to protect him from the bad things but she also wants him to be careful and avoid getting caught sneaking off. So she’s like, unsure of what to do, torn between covering Benny’s tracks and her job as a GR overseer…Things continue on as normally as possible after this point? Ethan’s suddenly more popular at school now since his bff is “dead” and everyone feels bad for him. Benny is completing mission after mission and is hailed as a GR pro and sort of graduates from his underling status and starts going on REAL missions—these are more dangerous since they involve battles with other supernatural beings after the souls of humans, demons especially. He’s officially partnered with GRG and she covers him whenever he sneaks off to see Ethan.It isn’t often that Benny comes to visit but when he does Ethan becomes just a ball of sunshine. They go do things together which is sort of awkward since nobody else can see Benny so we see Ethan talking to himself at dinner or the movies or wherever lol. Both of them are like “Are these dates we’re going on? Like? I’m really enjoying this and you wow” and it’s VERY GAY. It hits Benny first that he’s in love with Ethan and after the realization he visits more and more, skipping out on important meetings and other vital GR stuff in his contract. Yikes! As this is going on Ethan is starting to realize that he may like Benny as more than a friend and that’s a problem since he’s also been hanging with Sarah more lately and he gets the notion that she might like him back so he is. Torn over who he wants to be with since they’re both dead (?) but he can be in an actual relationship with Sarah while with Benny it’s way more complicated but he’s sure he loves Benny more and always will ;w;Benny suddenly vanishes for a few weeks which leaves Ethan on edge and the others notice but he’s still a loyal boy so he refuses to indulge them about what’s going on, which frustrates Sarah and they kinda get into a fight about it. During this time, surprise!! A giant battle happens in the GR world between them and the demons, a fight over souls, and Benny is caught right in the midst of it. He’s torn over his love for Ethan and his duty to serve the GR’s and fight with them—he’s become pretty famous amongst the ranks since he still has his magic so he’s a lot stronger than the average GR and the higher ups are like “THIS BOY IS HELLA STRONG WE NEED HIM FOR ALL OUR BATTLES YA FEEL” Finally when the battle ends after days and days of hiding out and striking whenever possible, Benny flees to see Ethan once again. He’s totally exhausted and covered head to toe in demon blood and also a little out of it? So something weird happens with his magic to make him visible to other people aaaaand. He shows up at the high school looking for Ethan and everyone is like “What the FUCK is that Benny Weir I thought he was dead???” Ethan freaks out of course but that’s after he runs right into Benny’s arms and hugs the CRAP outta him. Rory, Sarah and Erica start screaming in confusion and they’re like “ETHAN what the hell is going on why is Benny here and dressed like that and is that blood? WTF” Ethan sort of spills to them what’s going on while Benny’s chilling out in his arms, too tired to speak, and the rest of the students watch on in shock like?? Yeah. And one of those people is Della and she’s crying because she never thought she’d miss Benny’s stupid flirting so much and she was sad to hear about what happened to him and she’s happy to see him but also really confused just like everyone else!! It’s a crazy timeEventually when it all calms down Benny knocks everyone out with a sleeping spell and they wake up thinking it’s a dream (except for Rory, Sarah and Erica of course, who he trusts to keep his secret). They all hang out for a little while and they’re like “It’s really good to see you Benny” (YES, EVEN ERICA). Then Ethan and Benny go back to Benny’s house so he can say hi to his grandma, who lectures him for like twenty minutes “I cannot believe you Benjamin Weir what on earth were you thinking? You couldn’t have waited for me to come back so we could figure out a better solution and blah blah blah blah” Benny starts crying because he didn’t realize how much he’d missed his grandma’s lectures. She sends them both up to bed. Benny strips out of his bloody clothes and takes a shower and then he and Ethan cuddle in his bed for a long while, not saying anything. Benny knows that this can’t continue on forever no matter how much he wants it to so he decides he’s going to confess to Ethan about how he feels before it’s too late to do so. Of course he has second thoughts like the most obvious, “What if he doesn’t like me back” and then getting deeper into things like “I don’t want to burden Ethan with the truth about how I feel about him he deserves somebody better, somebody that can actually be around to take care of him and provide and I can’t do that anymore” but Ethan starts asking him to say what’s been bothering him so Benny, fed up with everything, spills.“So um hey dude I think I might be in love with you?”And Ethan is ecstatic like “Hey I think I might be in love with you too” and then it’s happy happy time and they kiss and it’s very cute and gay againThe next morning Benny knows he has to go back to work but not before he kisses the living daylights out of Ethan and Benny ends up almost getting caught since he loses track of time and makes out with Ethan for like ten minutes OOPSEthan goes back to school to see that everyone is still confused about the “dream” they all collectively had about Benny Weir miraculously coming back from the dead. Sarah corners him and starts asking more questions and he accidentally lets slip that they may or may not be dating it’s complicated? Understandably she gets upset, more because she’s worried about them getting into trouble and less because she’s jealous (she just wants Ethan to be happy after all he’s been through and if that’s with Benny she’ll give him up she is a GOOD GIRL). She starts admonishing Ethan for his own good, telling him how dangerous it is and how it probably won’t work out and she just wants to let him know now before he gets his heart broken later. Ethan bitterly agrees but he’s not going to stop dating (?) Benny since he’s in love with him and she’s like “Whatever okay just be careful”Benny shows up to work and GRG is REALLY pissed. She tells him that she’s been covering for him for so long that others are starting to get suspicious and suggests that Benny stop seeing Ethan altogether, but Benny tells her he absolutely cannot do that. Then they get into a big fight and she yells at him a lot before she finally spills that the higher ups found out about his memories and plan to have them erased permanently—they just haven’t done anything up til now since they thought he was keeping to the contract and not visiting people from his past life. But lately they’ve been catching on to the fact that he has so they’re gonna wipe him clean and erase all of his ties so he can actually focus on his duty to them. Benny freaks out and starts crying because?? He doesn’t want to lose his memories of his friends and of Ethan that’s always been his worst fear. GRG becomes sympathetic and tells him he has twenty four hours to say goodbye before they cleanse him for good. Benny immediately goes to Ethan and tells him what happens, breaking down and sobbing about how he doesn’t want to forget and he doesn’t want Ethan to forget him after he’s gone. Ethan tells him of COURSE he’ll never forget Benny, he’s the person he loves most in the whole world! They cry together for a while before going out and having the BEST last day ever (like my Life Ticket AU OOPS) and Ethan says a sappy line like “You might forget this day but I’ll remember it forever” AWWWW EThat night Ethan sleeps over at Benny’s house and they talk about a lot of different things. Eventually tho they stop talking and start kissing and things get really;; heated wooEthan tells Benny he wants Benny to leave on him proof that he existed so yeaaah I’ll leave whatever they did up to your imagination wonk ;) This may or may not be an MM reference //shotThe next morning Benny has to leave and it’s a SUPER SAD moment and they’re both crying and Ethan kisses him goodbye and promises Benny he’ll always ALWAYS remember him for the rest of his life (or eternity if he somehow gets changed into some immortal being) and then Ethan. Smiles for him keeping the promise that they made and FUCK BENNY UP he is so fucking wrecked and distraught that he almost just collapses on the floor and refuses to leave but he is a strong boy so!! He takes off and after he’s gone Ethan breaks down and cries and calls Sarah over to comfort him and it’s so…heartbreaking ;m;Benny hands himself over to the higher ups and GRG sees how fucking DEPRESSED he is and how he looks like he’s lost all hope and she feels super bad but there isn’t anything she can do. And then they wipe his memories clean;; She immediately notices that Benny isn’t the same as he was before, without those memories of Ethan and the others to anchor him he’s not the same person.Ethan starts missing school again and he knows he promised Benny he’d try to stay happy but it’s really hard and he misses him so so so much and Sarah tries everything she can to cheer him up but? Yeah it’s just a difficult time for everybody; Ethan is in a slump, Sarah is out of her wits trying to make him feel better, Erica is avoiding everyone, and Rory has lost his normal cheer. And Benny doesn’t even remember them. RIP.Things in the GR world are progressively getting worse, the demon attacks come more frequently now and they’re having a hard time fighting them off. They’ve lost a lot of souls to the demons in the process, and the higher ups are trying to come up with a strategy to get rid of them for good. Unfortunately for them the demons are plotting big time and they’re ready to form a fucking army to take down the GR’s and claim all of the souls for themselves. Benny and GRG overhear them planning this and they freak out, and then the higher ups freak out and it’s a horrible time! But suddenly GRG is struck with a BRILLIANT idea that she knows the higher ups wouldn’t approve of so she does it in secret. Guess where she goes for help? White Chapel!Ethan is surprised to see GRG asking for help, and he’s like “Is this going to help Benny?” And she’s like yeah dude so Ethan says “I’m in” and gets Sarah, Rory and Erica to join the fight as well. They round up a couple of other vamps and supernatural beings and devise this huge strategy to defeat the demons with Ethan’s wicked smarts. AND THEN THE FINAL BATTLE BEGINS!!The higher ups are furious with GRG for bringing outsiders into their conflict but they change their minds as soon as they see Ethan’s plan working. As they’re battling Ethan bumps into Benny and almost cries when he realizes Benny doesn’t remember him (but he is like “You seem familiar, do I know you from somewhere?”) They team up and kill tons of demons together and Benny’s like wow me and this cute guy have awesome chemistry I wonder who he is?Then surprise surprise Ethan gets taken hostage by the main demon king and everyone is like “ETHAN NO” and right before he gets taken out Benny miraculously recovers his memories and takes the hit for Ethan, getting “killed” in the process (which is kinda impossible since he’s already dead but whatever). Totally distraught at seeing his boyfriend die AGAIN Ethan’s psychic powers amp up to the max and he fucking wrecks the demon by using mind games to corrode at its will and he wins the battle!! Woo hooThe higher ups, upon seeing their victory, decide to give Ethan and Benny one wish. Ethan obviously wishes for him to come back to life (once a GR dies their soul is sent to the afterlife, GRs sort of live in an in between world of life and death. Like, purgatory). And Benny? At first he considers using his wish to grant GRG her memories back but she says if he wastes his wish on her she’ll kill him again. Lol. So Benny wishes to be human again instead. To live, basically. The higher ups are like “Usually we wouldn’t allow that but uh yeah you saved our asses so sure” but then they’re like “but we will call on you whenever we need you and your friends for something important otherwise it’s a no go son” and Benny’s like “SURE now please revive me so I can make out with my boyfriend”And so, Benny is brought back to life and stripped of his GR powers (he still has his magic tho, no worries). He bids a tearful goodbye with GRG, who confesses her (VERY PLATONIC) love for him. She promises to visit when she can. Benny’s grandma casts a spell on the town so they think Benny had been in a coma for half a year instead of dead. Erica and Sarah start dating, Rory gets a cute girlfriend (possibly GRG?) and Ethan and Benny live HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END //throws confettiWow sorry that was so fucking long but well I have been developing this AU for three years so it would make sense that I have the entire plot written out right? //waggles eyebrowsANYWAY I hope you enjoyed KUDOS for reading all the way through you’re AMAZING and god jesus ASK ME QUESTIONS about this AU it’s one of my all time faves and I’m so glad I finally got to share it after so loNG

[lokgifsandmusings]

Definitive Ranking of Book 4 Episodes, #1/13

1. 4x02 Korra Alone

Non-linear all around perfect episode that explores Korra’s struggles with PTSD and I can’t even be funny about this. Oh and Toph.

This is a post that’s taken me some time to write, because addressing the perfection of this particular episode is a daunting task. I mean it. It’s not just the best episode of Book 4, it’s the best episode of the franchise. The most daring as well.

For a little bit of context, there’s an incredibly popular episode from Avatar: the Last Airbender called “Zuko Alone.” It picks up after he leaves Iroh in “Avatar Day,” because his uncle kind of pointed out that the hunt for the Avatar might be a tad on the futile side. His brain can’t reconcile this, so the episode instead shows him trying to blindly stick to this task, while feeling as though he has no place in the world, and being rejected by anyone who finds out who he really is. He struggles with inner darkness, inner pain, and the whole time his story is punctuated by flashbacks of his relationship to his sister, his mother’s disappearance, and his father’s ascension to Fire Lord.

I’m not sure I’d call it the high point of ATLA (“Crossroads of Destiny” gets that honor), but it is kind of everything with regards to Zuko, easily one of the strongest characters Bryke have ever written. Also it did a great job of not endorsing his self-destructive tendencies or making excuses for him.

“Korra Alone” was announced (and screened) at the 2014 New York Comic Con, and when Bryke first said the episode title, the audience screamed. Smugly, from the comfort of my couch, I shook my head at the livestream and declared that there was no way this could measure up.

Well, color me dead wrong. I forgot that it was starring Korra, and she not only measures up, she creates a new goddamned reality the world didn’t know it needed.

Just thinking about the episode for first-time viewers, it does exactly what it needs to do. It’s impactful coming off the [mostly] Korra-less “After All These Years” to not just see her, but feel what she’s going through and feel that isolation, even when she’s surrounded by her parents and other loved ones. Though it somewhat takes on the travel+flashbacks format of “Zuko Alone,” even Korra’s present-day plot isn’t strictly sequential—most notably with us learning the real reason she entered the earthbending cage-match, with the flashes moving faster to get her to the swamp. It gives the entire episode a very ungrounded feel, which for the viewer does two things:

You desperately begin to want Korra to connect and be stabilized, because there is an inherent discomfort from the loose form for your brain (not a bad thing...an effective discomfort)

It REALLY gives the impression that time is passing in this episode

The second point is especially striking when you consider the scope. We’ve got in one “plotline” (for lack of a better term): Korra underground fighting, following a ‘dog’, and getting sucked into the swamp where she meets Toph. This alone covers significant ground. Then we have her flashbacks of leaving Republic City, not improving in her home and Senna begging her to go to Katara, Katara’s first healing session, the letters from friends that paint time as passing, Katara’s ‘wiggle your toe’ session, Tenzin visiting, Korra’s narrated letter to Asami while she meditates and trains, her leaving the SWT, her failing to apprehend the thieves, turning from Yue Bay, cutting her hair and donning new clothes, the tree of time scene, then traversing every possible landscape.

HOW WAS THIS ALL IN A 22 MINUTE EPISODE?

Yeah. This is three years, no question about it. It’s visually stunning, but there’s also this extreme sense of loss that the viewer is clued into, and the aimlessness that is heavily felt. Korra’s physical appearance changing was the external manifestation of this, and the symbolism surrounding it was as clear as when Iroh and Zuko did the same nearly 8 years prior. Toph popping out at the end is the one bit of relief, and it *really* shines, especially given her voice actor being perfect and sounding instantly familiar to us (did Philece Sampler just watch hours and hours of Jessie Flower footage or something??).

I can’t see this not landing for someone the first time through, to be perfectly honest. It sets up Korra’s journey for the season, and with her still out of touch from Raava and still away from friends and family, there’s a lot that needs resolving, and that the audience should definitely want to see resolved.

Placing “Korra Alone” in the context of the entire season, and the series at that (or even the franchise) is a different ballgame. Not a worse one, but it certainly means that you can consider this in Korra’s healing arc as a whole.

I’ll fully admit I was not 100% on-board with Dark!Korra being the representation for PTSD at first, even though this is, at the end of the day, a Y7 show that needs to break down these concepts to children. However, it worked within this episode, and given how the whole thing was resolved through mindful meditation (plus how the little bit of metal Korra extracted didn’t end up being a cure-all), I think it justified itself in a general sense.

In the case of “Korra Alone” alone (lol), it worked in a sort of 3rd person omniscient way, to quickly convey Korra reliving this moment and having a ton of anxiety each time it occurred. What had the potential for being a bit of a cheap visual metaphor instead mostly landed, giving us a kind of visceral understanding of that anxiety (and as someone who’s had to explain what that feels like to people who’ve never experienced it, that’s really no easy task).

When it comes to Korra’s healing arc as a whole, I’m going to have to be an asshole and tell you that Gretchen ( @theonewithpurplehair ) and I are planning on writing something about it when she gets back from South Africa. It will be lengthy and emotional and talk about THEMES and how important this is. We do that.

But even in advance of it, I think there’s a point to be made about Bryke choosing to have a healing arc in the first place. They didn’t have to, you know. And for some, especially in light of the indelicately worded “I needed to suffer” quote from the final episode, having two white men use a bisexual indigenous woman to explore a story about recovering from extensive trauma is uncomfortable, which is absolutely a valid tension.

However, something I think @glamourweaver highlighted best back when fandom dialogue was more...heightened, was that like it or not, Korra’s gone through major traumas throughout the show. In Book 1, she lost most of her bending and was so affected there was not-subtle-at-all suicide imagery included. Then Aang’s magic touch fixed her depression! Yay!

In Book 2, she had Raava ripped out of her and lost her (admittedly newfound) connection to her past lives, calling into question her very identity as the Avatar. The whole astral-projection thing she did? That was just Korra’s strength of soul, separate from anything to do with reincarnated powers. So yeah, reconnecting with Raava and becoming the first Avatar of a new spiritual age would totally be healing, but the idea that there’s no trauma she’d need to explore? Book 3 is near and dear to me, but in many ways it almost feels like a new show, complete with not bothering to tap into implications of the first 2 seasons. Whoops!

It’s yeah, not great how much she was put through the wringer when you get down to it. But Bryke are conscientious and tend to fix their mistakes. In a lot of ways, Korra being given PTSD—like...realistic PTSD—and an ensuing healing arc in Book 4 was the direct answer to everything previously glossed over.

The result? To that, I’ll just go ahead and quote @beccatoria’s essay (seriously, read it), because it lays out the meaning so well:

“This brings us to the final part of my argument: forming new meanings. The therapies I have mentioned so far focus on the physiological issues. The brain blows a fuse and can't process what it has experienced, so if you fix the fuse, you fix the processing problem. This still leaves a person who has been through an extremely traumatic event. PTSD almost always presents alongside issues such as depression and can lead to feelings of isolation and guilt. Individuals may either feel emotionally disconnected or emotionally out of control and have often internalised damaging messages as a result of their trauma. There is often a focus on creating new meanings as these memories are re-examined. We see this in Korra's evolving attitude to her own experiences.

Zaheer asserts that her power is limitless. She should never have been able to survive the poison. He offers her an opportunity to recontextualise her survival as evidence of her enormous resilience and strength rather than as a failure because she did not survive unscathed. While she is recovering, Katara tells her about Aang and how he chose to find meaning in his suffering. “What will I find?” Korra wonders. “Won't it be interesting to find out?” Katara asks. The answer comes in her final conversation with Tenzin. Korra chooses to form new meanings for her experiences, and chooses to find a message of compassion and empathy.”

Yes, the landing was not 100% perfect, but the recontextualization of her suffering and subsequent empowerment through that was clear. Korra ended the series hopeful about the future, and more at peace than we had seen her—certainly more at peace than that flailing teenager who was more willing to demand a duel with Amon than admit fear. She had grown and found ways to reconcile what happened into how she wanted to lead her life.

Do you mind if I get personal for three seconds? I have general anxiety, as well as a very specific (and admittedly mild) trauma associated with driving, and though I’ll never equate my experience to Korra’s brutalization (seriously, mine just involves a hangover, a large cup of coffee, pizza, and a bridge), there is something about that terror of being out-of-control I identify with, and it features so strongly in Korra’s arc. I also know what it’s like to want to will something away and fight against everything that’s happening. Why can’t my stupid brain just STOP?

But the thing is, like beccatoria said, it’s about contextualizing it. Anxiety never goes away, and it certainly can’t be willed out of the forefront. But you can choose to look at things with a new point of view. To be able to sit with a feeling and recognize what it is, even if it’s massively uncomfortable or puts your body in flight-or-fright mode. Personally, I’ve come to look at my anxiety/intrusive thoughts as a very badly behaved cat. The cat is weirdly trying to protect me, and truly thinks this is what will help keep me safe, but well...it’s an idiot:

Still, it’s *my* idiot, damnit, and now when I drive, I can just picture her in the passenger seat chewing on the emergency brake. She’s also the survival mechanism my brain came up with to shield me from more chaotic forces in my life, and that’s kind of neato, when you get down to it.

*Kind of*, okay? (I still need to replace this chair, though Trystane Nymeros has done more damage to it with his many toes).

The point is, Korra’s story is powerful and salubrious because she just...goes through hell and back, she really does. But she not only finds meaning in it, she finds positivity and hope. She is at her MOST secure when she flings herself in front of that spirit gun, and then talks down the season antagonist with a few words. It’s uplifting, without pulling *any* punches on how ugly and terrifying and isolating PTSD can be.

There were punches thrown outside of “Korra Alone” too, but that was the episode that waded in most deeply, and somehow did it in an appropriate fashion for a Y7 show. I can’t sing its praises enough, truly.

Having laid this all out, it seems almost trite to mention the Korrasami aspects of the episode. It didn’t escape the fandom that Korra telling Tonraq and Senna she wanted to go back home read like a coming out conversation, and the “Dear Asami” sequence is without question the most stunning of the episode. Though @queertoonqueertoons lays out why there’s other reasons for that as well. But like, what can be said? Korra lets herself be vulnerable around Asami in a way she won’t with others, and Asami asks for very little in return. It was a nice, continuing thread, but it never became a focal point of the episode, or the series, so shame on me if I buck the trend.

I can give overall thoughts on Book 4 when I pull together the final post for this ranking, but like Korra, I think I’m ending on a pensive and positive note. “Korra Alone” will do that for you, even though it may be the darkest episode of the franchise. What a masterpiece.

#13: 4x08 “Remembrances”

#12: 4x11 “Kuvira’s Gambit”

#11: 4x09 “Beyond the Wilds”

#10: 4x07 “Reunion”

#9: 4x06 The “Battle of Zaofu”

#8. 4x12 “Day of Colossus”

#7 4x01 “After All These Years”

#6 4x03 “The Coronation”

#5 4x04 “The Calling”

#4 4x05 “Enemy at the Gates”

#3 4x10 “Operation Beifong”

#2 4x13 “The Last Stand”

Book 2 ranking/essays found here

[cj-anthony-stuff]

In Another Universe...

Okay folks...so yesterday was...quite a day in Skam world. There was the all the joy of the Gullruten awards, and then there was all of the “shit goes down” parts of the video clip. (I’m still processing and analyzing, I’m not sure how I feel about most of it yet.) And on top of that we have 10 freaking days to wait to find out what’s going to happen next! So I decided a little nonsensical fun and cuteness was in order. (I started this last night but fell asleep before finishing it, LOL) 

Another Isak and Even in another universe…(where, yes, the curtains are yellow.)  

Jonas: Hey are you and your boy coming out to the karaoke thing? Heading over with Mags and Mahd now.

Isak looked over at the couch and sighed. His “boy” was all settled in, pizza and popcorn on the coffee table, two beers, and setting up his lap top. With an excited smile on his face.

Isak typed a response. No, we’re staying in. Some big-deal awards show he wants to watch.

Jonas: Ah…ok. Have fun with that.  :-P

Isak put his phone in his pocket and walked over to flop down on the couch. Greeted by the hottest guy with the biggest smile ever, he could hardly complain about a night in, he thought to himself.

“It’s almost time,” Even said, setting the laptop on the table amidst the food. the live stream of the awards show was running on the screen. He pulled a piece of pizza from the box and handed it to Isak with a kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks, baby,” Isak said.

The awards were the Gullruten awards, for Norwegian TV shows. Isak had never watched them before, or paid much attention to them, but Even had been talking about them for weeks. He was particularly enthralled over these two actors who were nominated in the people’s choice category.

The actors, Henrik Holm and Tarjei Sandvik Moe, played a gay couple on this teen drama from NRK. When Even had found out one weekend that Isak had never seen the show, he made Isak sit down and they marathoned the entire ten episodes of season three, the season that featured the gay couple. Even went on and on about how important this storyline was and how beautifully filmed it was. He even thought the storyline was similar to their own. Isak didn’t really see the similarities. He had shrugged at the end and said “Sure it was all right.” To which Even had just looked at him in exasperation and told him he was “hopeless and had a cold, cold heart.”

Isak didn’t tell Even how many times he had watched and rewatched the show when Even wasn’t around. Or how he shed a tear every time during the infamous “O Helga Natt” scene when the couple reunite on screen. And yeah he also didn’t tell Even he thought the two actors were kind of hot.

Even threw his arm over the top of the sofa and Isak cuddled in close as they watched the show and ate their pizza.

Even whooped every time the actors appeared on screen. During one funny moment the show did a Kiss Cam and zoomed in on Henrik and Tarjei and they were good sports, going along with the gag—and then some.

“Whoa,” Even laughed. “They really went for it!”

He turned to Isak and raised an eyebrow playfully before leaning in for a kiss. Isak played hard to get turning his head, but it was only for show. He always gave into Even. When they finally came up for air a few minutes later, Isak looked into Even’s beautiful eyes, as Even smiled happily at him.

“When you are nominated for a Gullruten, I suppose I will have to go with you as your date, and kiss you on the Kiss Cam?” Isak asked playfully.

Even cocked his head and widened his eyes. “You’d better! Although…I might take that Tarjei Sandvik Moe…he’s fucking hot!”

Isak elbowed him in the ribs and Even laughed and played hurt before wrapping his arms around Isak and kissing him all over his face.

They had moved on to the popcorn by the time the People’s Choice awards finally came up. Even threw popcorn in the air and hooted and hollered when the actors and the show won their respective awards. Isak forgot himself and joined in, as excited as Even.

When the show was over, Even turned the laptop off and leaned back to look at Isak who, still snuggled under Even’s arm, had his eyes closed sleepily.

“Thank you for staying home and watching with me,” Even said. “I hope you didn’t mind not going out tonight.”

Isak open his eyes. He really had wanted to hang with the boys tonight. “Nei, it’s okay,” he said. He had this strange feeling that maybe this had been the better choice, but he wasn’t sure why.

[ladywithoutababy]

Transfer cycle day 13: Whoops, the progesterone is here

I went into the office yesterday for monitoring after I-don’t-know-how-many days of taking estrace (ugh, ok, I just stood up and checked the thing on the fridge, it was 11 days), and the doctor said everything looked good (but don’t get your hopes up, remember, they always say everything looks good). I got a call today confirming that our frozen embryo transfer is scheduled for this Tuesday at 10am! Wow, easy, so close to the finish line.

EXCEPT!

We knew we’d have to start progesterone before the transfer, because we got a ton of medication delivered before this cycle started, but we didn’t think to plan ahead or prepare for it in any way. I think this is partially normal – I feel like every time we got a ton of medication delivered some part of my brain was just like nah we probably won’t need it (we always ended up needing it lol) – but also we’re pretty out of practice, as it’s been a few months since our most recent (retrieval) cycle. But ALSO. We’re in the process of buying a house (it closes tomorrow). And there’s still a global pandemic. And police offers are murdering civilians all around the country. So uhh yeah we’ve been pretty distracted.

The nurse who called with our instructions was very clear that this first progesterone shot, tonight, had to happen between 6pm and 8pm. She didn’t tell us anything else about the shots, just that it was very important that we did it in this time frame. So of course we forgot that we had to do a shot tonight until 7pm, scrambled to try to find some instructions because we realized it’s the first intramuscular injection we’ve ever had (as opposed to our old buddy, the subcutaneous injection), and... hmm, I guess a good summary is that doing this under the time pressure did not go particularly well.

First of all, nobody told us how much of the progesterone to use, so we decided to trust what it said on the prescription packaging (1 ML). And nobody told us how to do an intramuscular injection, so we did some googling which didn’t seem to match up with the materials we had, and then we found the link with the videos that we remembered from the IVF class we took SEVEN MONTHS AGO, and we watched the video about progesterone injections, and we noticed that a) these are extremely long needles, so they can reach the aforementioned muscles, and b) the video says we’re supposed to have two different needles but we only have one kind of needle. At this point, we have less than an hour left. The doctor’s office is closed. I don’t have anyone’s direct phone number.

So what do I do? I calmly call the main line, ask the operator to have a nurse call me, and turn back to tell my husband that I think we’re just gonna have to work with what we have, and if that means using a dull needle that’s what we’re going to do because we are not missing this stupid shot and waiting another month and starting all over again.

But when I turn around, my poor, exhausted, stressed, terrified husband is having an extremely inconvenient panic attack. (He doesn’t have them often, but I’ve seen this before, and I know the signs as well as I know that there is no fucking way he can stick a giant needle into me in this state.) His reaction is to try to just power through, so he tries to fill the needle with the stuff, he can’t get the stuff out, he’s getting sweaty, his hands are shaking, he won’t let me help him, and he’s just insisting that we “just have to get through this” like someone’s got a gun to his head and they’re almost done counting down from 10.

Don’t worry, he took a breather (after much cajoling), he calmed down, and he got the thing done. Actually, the nurse called me back right when he was about to stick it in me, adding another totally unnecessary layer of tension. We had by this point dug through our 900 pieces of paperwork and found one that mentioned that the instructional video is out of date and you do not in fact need two needles, but she very kindly reiterated that that was the case. I asked her if she had any tips on what position I should be in for the injection, since we’d seen conflicting advice, and she didn’t have any tips but very kindly warned me that “the first one is always the hardest” and it would probably hurt and there might be some blood and basically there’s no right position but “we’ll figure it out” the more we do, which implies (more on this in a bit) that we’ll have to do many of these. Lol.

After all this drama, the shot barely hurt (tiny pinch), he got it all in there, there was a tiny bit of blood, everything is fine. It actually hurt so little that I’m paranoid we didn’t do it right, but you can’t fixate on these things!!! We both took a deep breath, referred back to our instructions for what to do tomorrow, and learned:

We only have to do this shot every other day. Cool!

I have to start taking vaginal suppositories (another form of progesterone) twice a day, and take them every day “until they tell me to stop.” A friend of mine who’s been taking them said they’re not that big a deal, just annoying to put in and then they slowly leak out of you for hours afterwards. Cool. Fun. Twice a day. Ha.

I also have to keep taking these shots “until they tell me to stop.”

Don’t tell my husband, but buried deep in that paperwork, I found another hidden gem: if your transfer works (big if, remember folks!!!), you have to take progesterone until your 10th week of pregnancy.

So looks like we’re in this one for the long haul! Back in the saddle! Don’t worry, I’m 100% sure I can handle this on top of buying and moving into a new house, maintaining social distancing, kicking ass at my stressful full-time job, and oh yeah keeping my husband from having panic attacks. Hahaha. Ha. Ha.

We go back in for monitoring on Sunday morning, and then the transfer is on Tuesday. Please wish us luck in both fertility and our sanity! Thanks!!!!!!