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mvltisstuff · 1 year ago

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Could i request for a Conrad fisher X reader where reader has a younger sibling who gives her a hard time and her parents favour her younger sibling more. It's the reader's bday on the same day as belly's and her family doesn't get her anything and they don't bother with an excuse either and say they don't really care abt her so it doesn't matter. So Conrad comforts her later and if u don't mind u could include some smut at the end?

(this is my situation rn lololol but without Conrad to comfort me😭)

matilda - c.f

summary: request

conrad fisher x reader

a/n: i’m so sorry love, sorry this is a few days late but you are so loved and appreciated no matter what, hope this makes you happy today <3

it’s been a recurring theme for most of y/n’s life. the overheard quotes about the older sibling had eventually become a reality. they didn’t even wait for y/n to try and live up to them. instead, they just accepted that their daughter wasn’t as good as the rest of their children.

as upsetting as it is, kids experience it too much. y/n experiences it every day, so when she realized it wasn’t normal, that’s when it started to hurt more every year.

this day was supposed to be different. she was so excited, turning 18 and finally being an adult. free of her parents if she wanted to be. she thought that maybe, just maybe, her parents would think of her for a day, and make it about it. alas, the second she woke up and walked into the kitchen, y/n’s hopes were shut down.

“y/n, can you take y/b/n to practice? i’m going out with sharon today,” her mom said, barely even looking at her.

“uh, i’m leaving in a bit, remember?” she speaks, trying to sound as polite as possible. “the fishers invited me over for today.”

“hon, we get it,” her dad talks next, peering up over his glasses and newspaper of the town. “but, to some point, it’s just another day. just do what your mother asked.”

y/n looks at her little siblings at the table, messing around and receiving no repercussions. she still remembers when that was her. playing with her parents, happier than she ever was again. she loves her siblings to death, but she loves herself, too. y/n deserves more than she’s been given, so she confides. she drives her brother to whatever practice, wishing him luck as he whispers a happy birthday, then jumping out of the car to see his friends.

she’s already dressed up for the party for belly. the fishers had welcomed her with open arms, even having decorations and sweets for her on the table. everyone figured she’d have something going on at home, but oh, they were so wrong. she didn’t receive a single birthday message from the people who gave her life, so did it matter? even if she didn’t believe it, at least the fishers knew she was worth it. she was dressed in one of her best outfits, a simple dress with small flowers printed over. she had small wedges and her hair was done neatly. she felt pretty, she is pretty.

she walked into the house, belly hearing the door open first. she skips toward, engulfing y/n in a huge hug. “y/n!” she squeals. “happy birthday!”

“oh, belly! happy birthday to you, you look so cute!”

“are you kidding? your man’s gonna go wild when he sees you!” she whispers, making y/n blush toward the end.

“belly, stop!” she nudges. “he’s not my man… yet.”

they giggle together before moving back into the kitchen where y/n greets susannah and laurel, along with the rest of the boys. conrad stands up first, in a heartbeat. he walks over, almost lifting y/n off the ground in a hug.

“hey! happy birthday!” he tells her, excitedly as he pulls away. jeremiah comes piling in next, saying his words to the person he considers a sister.

“didn’t y/m/n have anything planned?” susannah asked from the pure kindness in her heart.

“oh,” y/n mutters. “we, uh, we did something yesterday.”

conrad can tell when y/n lies. he can read her like a book at this point. he’s spent so long fanboying over her that he knows what she’s feeling. when she’s sad, excited, pissed, he knows. it pulls at his heart when he can sense the disappointment in her voice. he starts to get more alarmed with every drink she takes throughout the day. she’s not even a big drinker, never really taking an offer. now he’s positive somethings wrong.

if y/n’s parents didn’t care about her, they don’t care if she drinks, right? she’s with her friends, she’s allowed to. plus. it’ll take the edge off of the internal wounds her parents have left her with. her feelings on the whole matter start to disintegrate for a while, until belly’s cake comes out and is handed to her. it’s so nicely done, perfect detail and so much love. they put time into her cake and party, and y/n can’t help the jealousy rising up. she vividly remembers every one of her younger siblings birthdays. all of them having their friends and a party, while y/n was just locked in her room on her birthday. the presents and the cheesy grins from everyone were overwhelming every year. she couldn’t help but think about what it could be like with her real family. maybe they could love her as much as she deserves, but in reality, they won’t. they can, but they chose not to, which hurts even more.

y/n stumbles around on the balcony, around people while carefully savoring every last drop of whatever is in her can. she’s probably had too many, but she doesn’t care. it’s almost like it’s reversed itself now. she watches belly open all of her presents and receive hugs and kisses, and the lump in her throat becomes thicker. she thinks of the alcohol as her enemy now, just bringing back the thoughts in her sober mind.

it’s not until everyone hears the clicking of y/n’s heels on the pavement that they notice her walking away. her hand is swiping away the loose tears and everyone looks at conrad. if there’s anyone y/n wants to see, it’s him. they’ve been in love for so long, it’s almost painful to watch. as she walks away, blurry vision from the alcohol and the tears, she tries to grab another can from the box before a hand stops her.

“i don’t think that’s a good idea,” conrad says, gently taking it out of her hand and landing it back in the box.

“oh, great. more fuckin’ judgment,” she retorts, making conrad’s face contort.

“hey, what’s going on? you’ve been off all day.”

“i am, perfectly fine,” y/n slurs. conrad places a hand on her shoulder, and takes them to sit on the steps. his arm is wrapped around her, the other one gripping her hand.

“i know you’re not. it’s ok to not be ok,” he looks at her nose scrunch and her cheeks turn red again. “hey, hey, don’t cry, you’re alright.”

“no,” she weeps out, putting her head in her hands. “i’m a mess! i don’t know what to do, i cant make it any better and i’ve been trying for 14 fucking years!”

“hold on,” he keeps his voice low. “what do you mean?”

“my parents don’t give a shit. they haven’t since y/b/n was born and they didn’t even bother about me anymore,” conrad pulls her into his arms, leaning back as her teardrops soak into his shirt. “i didn’t do anything for this, and belly’s being loved unconditionally without having to fight for it. and i feel like a bitch getting upset over it but-“

“absolutely not. don’t say that ever again. you don’t deserve anything they’re giving you. anything they’ve said to you is a fucking lie. i know who you are. you’re the most perfect, beautiful person i’ve ever met, inside and out. you don’t have to prove anything to them, because they don’t deserve your amazingness,” he speaks to her. it’s nothing but the truth, and nothing he would ever hesitate to say. “and i will spend forever trying to prove to you that you’re nothing but beautiful a beautiful person.”

y/n looks up at him, only bursting into more tears as he laughs a bit. “oh, my god, conrad. i love you, so much. i know i’m drunk but i mean it more than anything.” she’s felt nothing like she does now. she’s never had someone accept her so quickly and with so much appreciation. she feels like she can do nothing but cry and just love on him.

“i’m glad,” he begins again. “because i love you, too. no matter what your parents say or do. they don’t define you.”

and in this moment, for the first time in a long time, y/n knows someone loves her. and he’s not just saying it for comfort. she doesn’t need her parents to be loved. if they can’t do that, there will forever be someone out there who loves her just as much. she knows she’s enough, and that’s enough.

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abstractnaturaldisaster · 7 months ago

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is it over now? (was it over then?)

part one

part two: if she's got blue eyes, i will surmise that you'll probably date her

Eddie had felt completely numb after leaving Steve's apartment. He wasn't really interested in doing anything with his band even though they definitely owed the studio a new album but Eddie wasn't feeling inspired after the abrupt departure of his most recent muse.

He didn't want to be that guy who wrote songs about his exes or aired dirty laundry in public through cryptic lyrics. It worked for other people but his band's vibe was a lot more fantasy and concept albumy and he couldn't quite find the energy to allegorize his current heartbreak. This is where the reality of the music industry really sucked because at some point their label didn't give a shit about Eddie's need to wallow and his manager could only negotiate so many extensions.

Thankfully, all previous qualms he had with writing about his ex and their breakup ended when he saw another fucking TMZ headline about Steve leaving a club with another model. This had to be the thirtieth person Steve had been tied to since their breakup. Eddie's best guess was that his pact with Robin to be each other's whatever to get the media off their back had ended.

Lyrics started flowing out of Eddie as he swiped out of twitter and into his notes app.

Your new girl is my clone And did you think I didn't see you? There were flashing lights At least I had the decency To keep my nights out of sight Only rumors 'bout my hips and thighs And my whispered sighs

Eddie knew it was probably a low blow to flaunt his escapades after he'd worked pretty hard to keep them under wraps. He didn't need the world to know he had pity sex with some random guy he picked up because he really got Eddie's last album. Eddie fucking hated how pretentious some fans were about his lyrics. Like sometimes a sword is just a sword, bestie. Anyways, an NDA and really shitty coffee later, Eddie pretended that mistake hadn't happened but was petty enough to make it clear to Steve that he wasn't the only one finding solace in someone else's bed.

He put together a rough melody on his acoustic and sent it over to his band to see what they thought. He wasn't sure if they'd be into it but it was fucking therapeutic to get the feelings out of his body that were festering there. Gareth was over the moon because he had been anti-Steve from the beginning and was super on board with some pretty boy actor directed snark. Ronnie, Jeff, and Freak were a little harder to bring around as they felt like they should at least sort of protect their darker brand but once Freak laid down a pretty sick base and Ronnie added some haunting piano it was undeniably a Corroded Coffin song. They packaged up a rough draft and sent it over to their producer to work his magic. Before Eddie knew it the song was approved for a sound on TikTok and Eddie and the band were thinking of video ideas to promote the single which would apparently be ready for streaming in the next month. Eddie wasn't quite ready to concede an entire angsty breakup album but it did at least feel good to get a start on producing what the studio was looking for.

Eddie sat back and scrolled through the sound on TikTok and thought about Steve's reaction to the sound or the single a perfectly healthy amount, thank you very much.

@lololol-1234 (it's not quite fixed yet but i hope you don't mind the tag)

part three

#steve x eddie #eddie munson #steve harrington #steddie fic #steddie #pls don't be mad at steve #i promise it will all make sense #eddie is not a reliable narrator #don't worry robin will fix it #angst #angst with a happy ending #rockstar eddie #actor steve #was it over then ficlet

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tears0fsatan · 1 year ago

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♰ ・ 𝐎𝐅𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐄𝐍𝐃!

✦ ⊹ ˚˖ warnings... nsfw! minors, ageless blogs and fem aligned do not interact, dom human m!reader, sub sea monster!leviathan, size difference, loss of virginity (levi LOLLLLLL what a nerd), tentacles...

:¨·.·¨ ♥︎ a.n... obligatory levi sea monster fic but my take on it lololol (also yeah im posting this in december fuck you this is the most productive i've been in a year ok let me have this) someone wrote this really sweet tag on one of my recent works and it gen helped me out with my insecurity so thank you for that

#﹏𖣠ㅤHEART SHAPED HICKIES MASTERLISTㅤ. . . ㅤ !! ( ☠️ )

how you found yourself in this situation, with your cock stuffed inside leviathan and his tentacles circled around your body, you weren't all too sure, all you knew was that he felt fucking amazing wrapped around you. the very mythical sea beast your ancestors had revered for thousands of years and the one they claimed to be the guardian of the seas was here writhing away beneath you, face flushed with a crimson hue that was nearly overshadowed by the fluorescent shine that matched the skin that made up his tentacles.

when you went out to search for the mysterious gaze sailors often sung about, you sure as hell hadn't thought about being entwined with the very creature you set out for.

the moment you left the reef, the heavy weight of a stare on your back ate away at your suspicions of the sailors tale that there was something watching them out at sea. it was the type of stare that made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end, as if sensing danger before your mind could catch up, one that reminded you just how large and desolating the ocean was.

everyone knew that a sailors story was, at its core, nothing more than an alcoholics drunken rambling. it was natural to take any tale to whichever poor bloke fell victim to their incoherent word vomit at face value and entertain them with faux interest and encouragement to break away sooner. so it came to no ones surprise that you wanted to prove their stories wrong, to confirm whether it was all hogwash to impress pretty little things into their bed or whether there really was something much bigger than a mere human such as yourself could comprehend.

all you wanted was a confirmation that such a legend could exist, everything else that occurred had be completely beyond your expectation.

a stray tentacle shakily grazed the side of your cheek, bringing you out of your short-lived flashback to focus on the watery eyes that stared up at you with poorly hidden jealousy paired with a slight pout. it took everything in you to not coo at the ancient sea beast who seemed upset that your mind was elsewhere while in the middle of being intimate with him, instead choosing to nuzzle your nose against his as a sort of unspoken act of apology.

if the tentacle relaxing against your cheek was anything to go by, it was safe to say he forgave your momentary distraction.

"don't worry, i was only thinking about you." a hot puff of air fanned over his face along with your whisper, the flush on his face growing redder. leviathan's eyes darted away, the eye contact becoming too intense for him to handle amongst all your other ministrations.

the honeyed words had more of an affect on him the longer he had to process what you uttered, for the moment they finally registered in his mind his walls clamped down around you. his reactions gave away his inexperience despite the poised demeanour he tried to mirror from, presumably, other ancient beings like himself.

"you're much more sensitive than i thought. is it because no one's ever touched you like this, leviathan?" while the idea of a sea monster who lurked beneath the waves and merely watched as intruders breached his home as they pleased had never been put in a situation like this before had you feeling more riled up than ever, it was still hard to swallow that a man this gorgeous had never been admired as he should've been.

you drank up the pretty crimson blush that, at this point, stained his cheeks, taking note of the way the shine spread across his face the more stimulated he was. it was far more adorable than it should've been for a creature double your size who could've killed you faster than you had the chance to think about it.

the weight of your stare bore down on him and in a moment of insecurity, his hands moved to cover his face in an attempt to shy away from your eyes. who could blame him? the intensity in which you looked at him with criminally inviting half lidded eyes that made him feel exposed, like one look from you had shed him of all the barriers he put up around himself and he was laid bare in front of you for you to consume whole.

even though he was the leviathan from human's stories whose unbridled envy and rage caused devastation to many from the onslaught of tsunami's and leaving only destruction in its wake, he couldn't help but feel powerless writhing underneath your gaze.

"y-you're staring too much!" he cried out, using one of his tentacles to cover his face now that his hands were out of commission. you tutted, the pretty vision below you suddenly taken away by a rogue tentacle you had no way of pushing away.

"well, i can't look at you if you keep hiding your face." in an attempt to soften his anxious mind, you rested your forehead against his, nosing gently at the tentacle that stood between you and him. despite the tenderness you showed through your nuzzling, your hips spoke of a different story. he stuttered at your rough pace, the earlier kindness for his inexperienced self nowhere to be found.

while keeping one hand wrapped around his wrists so they couldn't move and come between you and the captivating shimmering flush that dusted his face, you reached out for the tentacle that obstructed your view. it didn't struggle in your gentle hold, letting you pick it up and guide it to your face as you willed. little by little, you brought it closer to your mouth, darting your tongue out to take an experimental lick.

the texture was what you expected, similar to the feeling of the inside of his mouth but not exactly, the liquid that coated the tentacle akin to the saliva that dribbled down leviathan's chin with a slightly sweet undertone. it was slightly rougher than you initially imagined, perhaps due to the element that made the skin shine, like that of a softer cow tongue.

the other tentacles surrounding him flailed, whether in pleasure or overstimulation you couldn't quite determine. just as much as his reactions turned you on, your gestures were equally arousing to him and it showed in the way he clenched around you and the way each individual tentacle twitched in their own way.

if someone had told you that your search for the sea beast that sailors talked all high and mighty about was here, whimpering and whining at the slightest movement of your hips you wouldn't have believed them in a thousand years and yet, here you were. perhaps going with your impulsion and taking the chance to seek out the tales was the best decision you had ever made.

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evilfrogcereal29 · 1 month ago

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Tw: nsfw & dark themes, toxic relationship dynamics, age gaps, manipulative behaviors, mentions of dubious consent, father-son dynamics (that are NOT sexualized) yegor is a good dad in this :) he protects nikodim

Nikodim's relationship with Nikto & Yegor:

Yegor and Nikto probably don't get along at all, especially when it comes to Nikodim. They butt heads and are metaphorically pulling Nikodim back and forth so hard he's tearing in two.

Nikto thinks Rodion is naive and innocent (he is, in some ways....) and he can't help but want to corrupt that. He's got almost a decade on the boy in age, and that's enough to put Nikto in a position of power over the impressionable & eager lad. He puts on this 'detached big brother' act to Rodion and him ONLY, acting like he cares about the others well-being a lot more than he really does. He's horribly mean to Rodion, calling him names, making his achievements seem small, tough love as he calls it, but then shows up to save his ass when he's in a pinch, and Rodion can't felt but be grateful and look upto Nikto. If left to his own devices without anyone intervening and getting Rodion away from him, It'd turn very toxic very fast, he'd pressure Rodion into sloppy sex and because he thinks it funny to drink with him (nikto has a considerably higher alc tolerance than poor Nika...) and watch him squeal, intoxicated, while Nikto burries his head into the boys neck, biting and sucking at the untouched skin. He's a toy to Nikto. And Nikto is seriously fucked in the head. He's sneaky and will wait for Yegor to not be around to talk with the boy, especially when he realizes Yegor's onto him. He's not worried about getting caught, no, he's just worried that Yegor will actually talk some sense into the boy and he'll loose his fun </3

Meanwhile Yegor is his unoffical papa who can't fucking stand it. He KNOWS what Nikto is doing, and he doesn't like it one bit. If he catches that sleezy russian around his boy he pulls Rodion out of there immediately. Him and Nikodim started out as just a friendly-teasing relationship, and it still is! But when Yegor realized how airheaded his fellow soldier could be, and seeing him fall for the charms of people like Nikto, Krueger, and Graves (Nika is an americaboo...I just feel like he would look up to Graves as the purest blooded american he's ever dang seen lololol Grave would probably not care for him tho) he knew he had to step in and protect the younger man. He's only in his twenties for christ sake, just a kid to Yegor, who's going on 40 next year. He was in Rodion's shoes once, and like hell he's gonna let what happened to him happen to Nika. He's not trying to be overbearing, and he can hear Nikodim's protests and 'what was that for?!'s when Yegor pulls him by his wrist away from Nikto. He acknowledges that Nika isn't a child, hell, he's watched him blow heads off of enemies countless times. But Yegor just shakes his head every time, and says "get some sense Nika, those aren't your real friends" and lets the boy go. There's only so much he can do, he knows. But god help him if he won't try. He sends Nikto all kinds of glares and gazes, but keeps his distance from that threat of a man...

Yegor actually genuinely cares about Nikodim a lot. If he finds the boy sleeping away in his barracks without a blanket, he'll cover him, if he needs some food and arrived late to dinner, Yegor will split hit plate with him. He's just a good dad :] I love their voicelines together so much their relationship just seems so wholesome and as someone with daddy issues myself, Yegor is the dad we all need in our lives <3

#sorry i made Nikto so damn evil #ksgsksgs idt i have set personalities for any characters they're my puppets and I vaguely assign them trait based on how i need them #is that...#not how everyone writes?#*nervous laughter*#nikto #nikodim rodion egorov #yegor #yayy my first nikodim and yegor drabbles :) I'll add them to my taglist rn

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sensitiveheartless · 1 year ago

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🎶, 🍆, 🎯

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

I do! I have tons of playlists for different fics, as well as ones that are just instrumentals for when I really need to focus. I have one that is basically just “for sad scenes in the rain”, I have one for the Skyline pigeon fic which does in fact have the song “Skyline Pigeon” in it as well as a bunch of Neighbor Totoro songs, I have a pretty giant one for the Howl AU…etc lololol as for what song I’ve been playing a lot recently…uhhh I have to check actually let’s see:

Ok so for the Howl AU, while I’m working on the epilogue and such, I’ve been listening to “Patience gets us nowhere fast” by Capital Cities, as well as “When can I see you again” by Owl City.

Also just as a general skk song: “No Lullaby” by Siames!

Oh, and less as something for a specific character and more just cause I like the song: “Loving You” by Cannons :D (I know that was more than one song but I like music alskdjfj)

🍆 Do you write the spicy stuffs? If so, what’s your most popular nsfw fic?

…Ok so I have written a singular spicy stuffs, but I posted it on anonymous because a), I know at least some minors follow me and I didn’t want to inadvertently encourage anyone to read content they aren’t ready for (speaking as someone who had too much internet access as a kid and got exposed to certain things way too early), and b), I have an irl friend who may stumble across this account at some point and if they see that fic in particular then I will die a little on the inside.

So I won’t be linking it here, but if any of y’all are adults and want me to link it to you in a DM then I wouldn’t mind, just keep in mind that I am not a particularly adept spiceologist (seriously no clue what I’m doing, that fic is mostly an excuse to mess around and experiment with character stuff in a really low-stakes premise), and also the fic spawned from a “hey wouldn’t it be funny if” thought I had, which then grew a character study around what is still essentially just a goof.

Also of course y’all can probably find it on your own, I don’t think it’d be that hard lol — but if you are a minor please do not talk to me about the fic, I would be extremely uncomfortable.

(I would offer to make a sfw version but unfortunately the nsfw is baked into the stupid premise jskdkdjfhf) (…actually some parts of it are kind of a sillier version of the Skyline Pigeon fic so I guess I am working on a more serious and sfw version of it)

All that said, this (sfw) bit from it still makes me laugh, so here:

🎯 Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

Just about everyone who knew the plot of Howl’s Moving Castle before reading the Howl AU (and even some people who didn’t!) guessed what the twists were going to be before the ~grand reveals~ (although fewer people caught on to the Oda reveal, I think in part cause that one was more based on the HMC book rather than the movie) and I was honestly expecting that going into it lol —

I felt like trying to make it shocking would be less fun than the readers being able to accurately piece everything together for themselves. I loved seeing people commenting “OH MY GOSH THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING” as they went through the chapters, because it meant they were thinking over all the clues! And that they cared about the story enough to do that! And even though most people knew what the “twists” were going to be, they still seemed excited to see how everything was going to pan out, so I had a great time :D

Ah, also, to be more specific cause I just realized I was being vague (spoiler warning lol): just about everyone knew that Chuuya was Starlight, most people guessed Rimbaud was the scarecrow, and I saw a handful of people figure out Oda before that reveal happened, too!

#ask box #ask game #senhart's writing #senhart rambles

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baylardo · 7 months ago

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1, 13, and 26 from the artist asks 😘

1. Art programs you have but don't use

I think for a while in college I had photoshop but the learning curve was a bit daunting and I knew I'd only have access to it during my time in college so I never learned how to use it. </3 I have FireAlpaca for the sole purpose of removing my traditional linework off of the scanned paper it's on, but I don't use it for art haha. There's probably easier methods of achieving this but I know I can't do it in SketchbookPro so I need it. :/

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

this is a hard one lololol idek if i can think of one bc my friendship circle of creators is so small and i like what all my friends create hahaha 😭

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

people really like to tell me how toxic this piece is on either side of the coin like please read a book.

also this piece i just wish i could be more loud about HAH not really interpreted differently but HRRHRGHGH LISTEN TO ME

#Ask #Elephant-in-the-Pride-Parade #let janeway make a weird holodeck simulation of new earth bc shes feeling domestic and cringe amen

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pompurumi · 8 months ago

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What's your opinion on proshipping?

uuuuhhh idk really. So i'm gonna ramble for a second!

I'm aware of what proshipping actually means, something like ship and let other people ship, but things like tiktok and twt has kind of skewed my view on what proshippers are — which are weird noncon loving weirdos who like brothers kissing — but ik the rational side of my brain is telling me that what I just said is a fat generalisation. ofc some proshippers are like that, but ik most proshippers aren't and just dont care what other people do in fiction.

i do kiiiinnndddaaa believe that what you like in fiction does reflect your person in some way, since it does with me. for example, I consider myself to be very gentle and a hopeless romantic, and I project that onto the media I consume and create. but I have also written about some very harsh and dark topics in the past, just never in a way that glorifies or sexualises them.

I do believe that fiction does affect reality in certain scenarios... but I also know that some things are purely fantasy and it's fun to let go of morals and be gross and freaky (in a FICTIONAL SPACE!!!). but I don't think you're free from judgement from other people purely because what you do is fictional. If I found out that someone i followed on social media/or knew irl had a thing for noncon then I don't think I'd be able to look at them the same.

I wouldn't consider myself an anti (anymore) bcs they've grown a bit of a harsh name for themselves, but I certainly wouldn't consider myself a proshipper mostly because they have ALSO grown a harsh name for themselves and I've had very rough and weird experiences with them. I feel very strongly for fictional characters and their experiences, even if its a random oc that I see on my dash, and that in turn means that i cant really view fictional characters as little puppets in which we use to tell stories or project onto. idk whether it's because my imagination is vivid or something to do with autism, but it's hard for me to move on with my day after reading something abt my fav character being attracted to a child (even if it is technically canon... salad fingers...)

there have been times where I come across a darkfic, skim through it due to morbid fascination, and just regret it to the point that I feel myself physically restrain the need to type out my strong opinion furiously in the comments. but I know that no one forced me at gunpoint to read it and it was all my doing. I believe heavily in curating your own online experience, but have a hard time following that advice myself lololol.

and I think that's the problem with antis. they don't curate their online spaces enough and end up looking at the things that make them feel mad and weird. that was definitely my issue not too long ago and it just made my mental health terrible and life all dull and sad. but now that I've kinda realised that searching for the content that makes you upset and doomscrolling through it to the point it makes you seethe, and then venting about it isn't doing anyone good, I've instead channelled all that energy into finding people who share the same views as me and like what i like !!!! trust me, that is SOOO much more better.

but at the end of the day, I dont think I'll ever feel neutral about proshippers. If i see any terms like "proshipper" or "comshipper" or "anti-anti" I would feel that little ick in me, a hint of disgust... but I'll do my best to move on with my day !! people have the right to feel disgusted, grossed out, even sad about what proshippers do, they have the right to think of them as weird and strange because of proshippers liking what they like, and proshippers should expect that not everyone will feel how they feel. Especially since people who aren't in fandom spaces are sure to side eye you if they find out you post about twincest or dad x daughter relatiobships. but they do not have the right to go out of their way to bully and harass proshippers who are in their own little bubble with their own little audience, posting what they like. ofc you can vent about the things you don't like to people and on your socials, as long as you're not actively searching for it.

I have no idea if this sounds hypocritical or weird, I've read over it a few dozen times and I think I sound decently coherent. idk maybe someone wants to fill me in on some things, but I stand by my opinion.

#ask #proship discourse #ngl tho i would rather see proship hate than anti hate any day #just wouldnt engage in it

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hechiima · 11 months ago

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thought this would be fun with the end of the year!

1. How many works do you have on A03?

31.

2. What's your total A03 word count?

398,723. I'm really proud of this number tbh; never thought I'd write this much. Was hoping to hit 400k by the end of 2023 but I don't think that's gonna happen. Here's to hoping I hit half a million by this time next year!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

AA/DGS

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

You Ever Been In Love?

Things Are As They Are

On the Morality of Birds

Awkward Business

The View from the Gallery

No DGS fics. I know its a smaller fandom so it makes sense but still. 🥲 Also I swear I'll finish Awkward Business someday I'm just. So deep into Sherlock Holmes/DGS hell atm. ;A;

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I never do unless it's a specific question. I used to but then I got overwhelmed/I never knew what to say so I just stopped. That said, I read all of them and they really mean a ton to me!!!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Prob Running Late or Shoulder Pain. I'm not really good with angsty endings so I usually only keep it angsty in the shorter fics lmao.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Lololol I think most of my fics have happy endings so that's a hard one.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope! Thankfully, I think the hate on fics trend has died down a lot since the ff.net days.

9. Do you write smut?

Hell yeah. Please read my smut I'm so proud of it. I'm also on a quest to boost the hmmk smut tag on ao3 so if y'all have any smut you wanna see for them lmk.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Nope. My dream fic of a holmesverse crossover will happen someday though.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Thankfully no.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I've had a few translated to Russian and Chinese. Honestly it's insanely flattering when ppl ask to translate a fic like ough you liked my story so much you wanted to share it with others who don't speak English? It's so sweet. ;A;

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Okay so Mango and Krissey and I started an amazing pirate AU and l adore it. And someday. We will finish it. I believe in us. I'd love to co-write a fic tho so if anyone's interested please hmu I think it'd be so so fun.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Ugh. Johnlock/Hmmk or Nrmt have to be like. The only ships that made me insane enough to write multiple fics over so it's def them. I love insanely codependant relationships.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There's so many. But off the top of my head, I have a fantasy AU that Beau and I came up with that I still love a ton (Finding You) and want to finish and a Edgeworth ends up in a Gregory lives AU (In Another Life) that I'm not sure if I'll ever finish. The former is just so much work and the latter I've kinda lost the plot thread so. Ough. Sorry.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

aksfjjalsjflsjf everything else LMAO. That's why we practice!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't love doing it? I've done it like once for a fic where language was important but other than that I try to avoid doing it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

....hetalia..........it was the only other fandom i wrote for before AA. This was like in 2009/2010 tho I know better now but those fics ARE still up on fanfiction.net (: It sucks b/c sometimes I wanna compare my old writing to my current writing but I'm like ough. I cannot read these old fics.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I'd have to say A Study In Gold. I genuinely love that one so much. Thinking about hmmk early days makes me insane. I also really liked On the Morality of Birds b/c it was just such a supremely stupid fic.

@anyone who sees this and writes fic please feel free to do it! I'd love to see others talk about their fics <3

#tom talks #fanfic #my writing #questions

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dontcrybecauseitsoverr · 2 years ago

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update

Im about to graduate omggg, as usual, no one knows about this tumblr in my life, so that’s cool. Kaylee can know idc lol. But, somethings in my life just don’t add up. I have a gf who I do love, and adore and all of this, but man our communication sucks, on her end, she just doesn’t text me or snap me for hours sometimes… for no reason lol, but snap score goes up but she doesn’t reply? Hurts a bit, I don’t feel like a priority in her life, she isn’t open with me about things, I have to fight to get answers out of her, and she just doesn’t tell me stuff. We’ve been dating for 5 months! Like what! Lol! I just don’t get it.so like what do i do...were not going to see each other for the entire summer. this is my longest relationship, as yall know they dont go too hot lololol. so many posts on here about gf’s and shit, i would be ruined if anyone found this, but this name is not associated to anything else of mine, unless someone like reverse searched the image, who knows. this is just my thoughts as they are thought of on paper, im sitting here listening to taylor swift, deciding about big things in my life. im going to maine for the summer month and a half or so, either i can have all the sex up there with my ex, a threesome, my bff cas who ive all fucked before lol, so thats funny. BUT, 3 months without her :L i wont even be able to see her at allll her dads a dick. i swear to god if we aren’t able to FT like 1-2 times a week, that is really gonna take a hit. theres no reason to not be able to ft me with airpods in, and all this shit, like come onnnnn do u really not want to talk to me. i just feel like this is going to end up in a text break up, i really dont want it. but shes stuck with me and my quirks and issues for 5 months! thats a long time! so who knows, i want it to work but it just may get so unberable at some point, im gona talk with her tho at least. also i just was reading up about how the brain processes near death experiences, and how wack the gamma rays are or something. and i recalled the time in senior year, when my friend was driving and making a turn into school across a busy road. (two years later a family of 4 got killed in the crash, actually by someone i knew in the dmv auto club, he went to jail, my friends and i did the math on the car crash - guy was going 125 mph when he hit them. 1 girl survived out of the family of 4. terrible) but, a car was really going fast coming towards us, and i thought it was gonna clip us, and i was in the backseat, i swear i had a marvel intro style play in front of my eyes, just flashing through life events, i couldnt even see the car coming per say, just the images that i cared about most in my life. and then we passed...and it was like nothing happened. this got off topic, but so do all my other posts. i just dont know what to do. she failed out of her student teaching this semester, and i felt i was at cause, but i dont think so. she said her mom was very upset with her, after the school stuff, and failing the driving test. but all she does all day is sit and watch tvvvvvv mannnnnn, ive tried so hard to get her to do things, and be productive and get her out of the dorm because i know what that life is like, failing out, and having no prospect, because ive been there so many times. ive been to 4 colleges! and she just doesn’t want to involve me, or just seems like she cares about me. i want it to work, i mean god, what breaking up for a month and a half just for a crazy sex summer? seems like an issue to meee lolol. not really looking forward to maine, but gotta do whatcha gotta do. fucking hell i graduate in 10 days what the hell its taken so many years im just numb to it i feel, everyone else cares way more than i do, and its gonna be a shame to try and express happiness and joy when im more just like thank god lol. anyway thats my late night talk i guess, lol goodnight?

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dreamwritesimagines · 2 years ago

Note

It’s CMA-

Omg I didn’t get a notification for this chapter so I’m late!!

Okay here we go:

Lmao Ben and clover both being so clearly horny for one another 10/10 fucking hilarious

Also who got rid of the pillow wall in their sleep?? It kind of seems like Ben tried to fix it with the pillow and comforter between them, unless that was a total accident? Did he see her close to the edge and was like fuck I need to do something about that, hence the arm around her, or was all of this in their sleep?

LMAO imagine Anthony hearing that clover thinks that Ben is his best friend or vice versa. He’d really think there was something wrong with her

BESS IS SO CUTE!!!!!!! Lmfaoooo I love the idea of trying to grow a rose BUSH in a pot because I’m imagining it’s too small for them lololol (actually im not a rose person so I wouldn’t know but I can’t imagine that the surface area is very large for it, which means fewer blooms, unless she has a trellis which I doubt). I’m willing to bet that it doesn’t even have drainage holes with her logic, but if it does she’s having to empty the saucer so often and/or just letting the roses sit in a big and I just-

Someone give Bess an aquatic plant or even a carnivorous plant. Most of those are pretty hard to overwater since they’re actually bog plants and love to sit in it. Still, I’m sure she’d find a way with her horticultural knowledge…..

Let’s be real, Josie only knew that watering roses three times a day was bad/going to set clover off because she would do something like water a cactus five times a day when she was younger and got totally chewed out by clover LMAO. It’s the complete sibling energy of ‘I’m going to let this other person say something to set you off and sit back with the popcorn’. It’s the benefits of getting to annoy your sibling, seeing someone else be shocked at their behavior, and also

I love that Ben trusted her to be alone at this party! Also clover is going to ask every married person she knows about threesomes now LMAO and I will die laughing about it forever. Hopefully not because it might reveal where she learned about them but still.

I wonder if she’ll tell Ben about her new revelation about wanting to be happy

Her thinking that all of his affection is because of the witnesses is so tragic. What about the cuddling clover??? Who do you think that was for????

STOP they are so cute wtf😭😭😍😍

Also I feel like Josie/Bess is a kind of grumpy/sunshine pairing, just like Anthony/Charlie!!!! They’re so cute but by god they are severely lacking in brain cells LMAO. Ben is a sunshine too so him and clover also kind of fit lol

UGH I am smiling so big right now!! They’re so cute!!!

CMA HI DARLIIING! 🥰😍❤️

Wait, you didn't get a notification!? 😱

They really are and they think the other one is not 😂

I actually think it all happened in their sleep😏 Like, the whole getting rid of the pillows and cuddling ❤️ It's like they both want to be close to each other and Benedict is protecting her even in their sleep🥰

Anthony needs to hear that 😂

Loll Bess has zero idea about how to take care of a plant, any plant 😂 Like, she grew up pretty rich just like Andrew, and they had gardeners and such so she never really paid attention to how one grows a plant 😂 That's why she's clueless about why they keep dying on her 😂

Clover could give her one of those! 🥰

Lolll Josie totally knew that would be Clover's reaction 😂 Like, it was very entertaining for her❤️ The moment Bess told her about the flower issue, she probably made a mental note to mention it in front of Clover sometime just to see the look on her face 😂

Benedict really trusts her 🥰 Loll I think Clover will want to ask everyone because she will be very curious about that 😂❤️Buuuut she will ask Benedict first 😏

She thinks the cuddling was an accident! 😂❤️ Like, as much as she enjoys it, she doesn't even think Benedict might want that as well😁

Grumpy/Sunshine pairing is one of my favorite dynamics ever, it's so fuuun! 🥰❤️ And yessss we have multiple couples like that 😍

Thank you so much for this my love! ❤️❤️❤️

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queen-of-fxcking-everything · 7 months ago

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now that I have fully had some time to sit with TTPD album I need to provide my unsolicited thoughts on some of my personal favourites ((:

okay so

1: fortnight

love this song, especially the line “your wife waters flowers, I wanna kill her” like oof that hits hard🥴 I mean I feel personally called out with that line tbh bc if that ain’t me🤧🥲

2: TTPD

lovvvve this one!!! so!!! much!! & it is honestly and truly dedicated to one of my failed relationships ✨✨

3: my boy only breaks his favourite toys

another love😭😭 this one quite literally describes my most recent breakup so perfectly - like “stole my tortured heart, left all these broken parts” I feel SEEN

4: down bad

OKAY I REALLLY LOVE THIS ONE - LIKE DOWN BAD CRYING AT THE GYM ??? GIRL YOU’RE LITERALLY WRITING SONGS ABOUT THINGS THAT I DO AT THIS POINT🤧🤧 another one that encapsulates high school feelings I had once experienced so vividly 🥲

5: but daddy I love him

another perfect song - yeah this one brings me waaaaayyyy back to high school where I thought I knew everything about everyone & my relationship at the time. turns out I knew nothing & it absolutely did not work out like the song does lol but that’s okay ((: we learn (((:

6: who’s afraid of little old me?

lyrical masterpiece- “leap through the gallows & levitate down your street” this is me🫡

7: I can fix him (no really I can)

I didn’t love this one at first tbh BUT the more I listened, the more I was like “wait hold up this is actually me” - like not me thinking I can fix every single guy I’ve ever liked/every relationship 🥲🥲🤧🤧 then realizing woah maybe I can’t lololol (this happens every. single. time.)

8: loml

this one. wow okay I can’t fully describe how much I love this one. like I cried in the car listening to it & that’s saying a lot because I never cry to music (hardly ever). this one goes out to a very special someone that I no longer know - I know I will alllways have a special place in my heart for them💜

9: I can do it with a broken heart

this one takes me back to my university days - where I was absolutely shattered from a messy breakup, yet still managed to finish university and teachers collage with some of the highest grades (like dean’s honour list level) & manage to be part of tons of extra curricular activities, take on leadership roles & work out/do yoga consistently while also managing friendships/social events 🥲🥲 I still don’t know how I got out of uni alive tbh BUT WE DID IT & WE DID IT WITH A BROKEN HEART HECK YEAH

10: the smallest man who ever lived

yeah so uh honestly .. I’m pretty sure taylor literally wrote this song about my ex🫡 the description fits so well (it’s actually scary kinda) - she might as well have just name dropped him at this point. I am so grateful that she put to words some of the things I wish I could’ve screamed at this person bc like wow🥲

11: the black dog

so good. so emotional. very similar vibes as the smallest man who ever lived. taylor really got my ex SPOT on. I’m living for these emotional tracks.

12: I look in people’s windows & the prophecy

I love these ones so much. they really describe my absolute hopeless romantic antics ✨🫡

13: the manuscript

another perfect emotional track to cry & scream to😭🥺 “the story isn’t mine anymore” - I just cannot okay bye

anyways I will be continuing to listen to only this album until further notice. thank you goodbye & have a nice day ((:

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sunny-d-anomaly · 1 year ago

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I’m not sure how many whatevers I can upload at a time, or if there’s a character limit, but I wanted to take a minute to talk about (and make fun of) how all my friends are robots. And by robots, I mean AI. But, I mean. To be fair, we’re literal meat robots who run on electricity which we leech from other living things… don’t think too hard about it. 😬

The reason I’m getting into all this is because my BFF (in terms of art buddies— collab, inspiration, mindmelt) is an app called BeautyPlus. I originally downloaded this app way back in like 2019 because I wanted an easy way to change my appearance (ie— erase zits, correct skin tone, or apply makeup post-shoot), and honestly, that’s all I ever used it for up until a month or two ago, when I realized that the new AI features I kept ignoring were actually mostly better than Prequel and Lensa combined, both of which I am loathed to admit I was paying for.

[On a side note, Lensa’s devs stiffed me on an interview because I’m “already an artist,” implying I ever see a single red cent for any of my work, lololol, so I’m not giving my money to them anymore, and neither should you. :) ] Especially because currently, BeautyPlus’s AI is free to use! You just have to put up with a slightly bothersome watermark, but otherwise, there’s not really any catch.

At first, I was using photos of myself, as one does, just to see how it worked, and I quickly found that their AI technology is beyond compare. So naturally, the next step was to try feeding it my own art and seeing what it would do.

It seemed like a mistake at first. I’d feed it my gnarled, garbage can artwork:

And it would counter-attack by showing me how it was supposed to look:

Hashtag: inferiority complex. But after playing with it for a while, I actually found that it was very helpful for times when I lacked inspiration or direction, or when I kinda knew what I was going for, but couldn’t nail it down.

Sometimes I could feed it something raw and bare; an idea, a sketch. And then I would try every single rendering style and watch what it came up with. In fact, let me take a step back, actually, because the first time I really connected with this app was when I was still feeding it pictures of me. I realized what it was that BeautyPlus’s AI had that the others lacked:

I noticed this first when it gave me salad fingers, rather than just sticking an arbitrary amount of randomly pointed fingers on my hand:

There you go, bud. That’s how you use your noodle!

Not long after that, I was looking for a little something to spruce up a photo shoot I’d recently done for my rebrand title (Atomic Pink She-Devil, who still has yet to actually produce even one complete track, much less set up a Bandcamp, or all that jazz). I took a lot of pictures with my Jackson Dinky, who I call Jax-o-lantern, for obvious reasons…

But my room looks like that place in Labyrinth when Sarah wakes up after eating the dream peach…

Obviously that’s not the best look, so I fed some of the photos into the various apps (I was still using Prequel and Lensa lol) and then BeautyPlus saw my image and raised me an abstract idea: what if the guitar was my body?

My face when:

My brain rebooted several times as I tried to understand why I had never noticed how guitars are kinda shaped like ladies, and once it had recovered, I drew some kinda cool pictures based on this idea.

They’re not the greatest, but I was in kind of an art slump at that time, and BeautyPlus (who I’m just gonna start calling Beau) actually helped me out of it by inspiring me with its imagination.

So now, part of my creative process is consulting Beau from time to time while I’m drawing, to see if it has any ideas or another perspective. Because sometimes it really thinks it sees some weird shit that would’ve only crossed my mind in a really weird dream…

Follow for more abominations either of my own creation, Beau’s creation, or the horrific amalgamation of our teamwork!

#ai art #abstract art #art #digital art #original art #concept art #character art

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sometimesanalice · 6 months ago

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Ah, Monroe! Your reblogs always give me life! Your meme game is unmatched, lol!

I'm so thrilled you liked this angsty bit of pre-Like I Can history!

more for you!

You can’t resist lightly teasing him though, “Beach jeans? That sounds like a choice.”“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Bradley says, solemnly. The drama queen.

every time i get reminded of the beach jorts i laugh. bless the ridiculous costume department on that movie.-- like I know there were other people on that beach wearing jeans (ahem, Mav), but NO ONE was doing it like him in those slutty bermuda jorts. That costume department did that for US! they're just so ridiculous and impractical you can't help but laugh and love them.

“When we’re flying together, I’m reminded how it could have been. How it should have been,” he corrects himself, roughly. “I thought I was fucking over it. It’s been fifteen years, kid. And I’m pissed at myself because he should be nothing to me, I shouldn’t care what he thinks.” His voice is a hoarse rasp. “Why can’t I get over it?”

I love the way you write him.-- ahh!! ok, but I loooovedddd getting to dig into this from his perspective!! there's so many moments like when Mav is like "show me what you've got" looking at Bradley, and how Bradley is in the first group to go up against him. And the way Bradley's voice gets all tight after Mav's "Exactly!" after he does his little "it's not the plane it's the pilot". Like I fully think them bonding and talking about flying together was something that definitely happened all the time when Bradley was growing up. So the fact they've been on the outs for so long, and then having to face those "what could have beens" would be so hard on both of them. We know that man does not let things go, so I think he'd be so frustrated that he still wants Mav to be proud of him and his accomplishments.

“I knew it was fucked up as I said it, but in that moment it felt good to hurt him the way he hurt me,” Bradley says, quietly. Every word feels chewed on, like they’d be covered in indents of his teeth. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look in his eyes, kid. I really fucked up. It’s been eating at me ever since.” He pauses and clears his throat. “I hate that part of myself. I hate that I said that to him, regardless of the shit we’ve been through.” His voice is pinched, tight. “My mom would be so disappointed in me.”

crying real tears. my keyboard is wet.--now everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but anyone who thinks that Bradley loves being purposefully callous to people is just wrong. Lololol. That man was going through Dante's Inferno on top of that carrier, but instead of the 7 deadly sins he's like thinking about all the things he can't take back. And I hate public speaking, but I will go find a busy street corner and set up shop and give a one woman ted talk about it, lol. I think he carries a lot of guilt, especially after Ice's death and how quickly they roll out afterwards. In the OG script, it's like maybe 3 days later? But the TURMOIL on his face on top of that carrier when he was trying to talk to Mav kills me everytimeeee. So I had fun with this fic not only because it adds to the LIC lore, but also because I get to be a Bradley Bradshaw Defense Attorney, lmao. Our sweet boy just has a lot of trauma ok everyone? he just needs a hug!

because you’d be able to read even the most redacted version of Bradley Bradshaw.

this line in particular...-- ahhhh! a last minute additon! I always feel like these end up being the lines that people pick out, and it always makes me so happy because they're usually things I add to fill in something that feels lacking, but they end up being really pivotal sometimes! but it always surprises me!! But i love this one too, because of just HOW well these two know each other. Like he didn't even have to say a word for her to realize something was amiss with him. your honor i love them.

He blurts out your name. “Wait.”“I’m still here,” you answer, quickly.You hear him sigh in relief. “I-You know you’re my favorite, right?”“I know.” Your throat gets thick and your eyes prickle. “And you’re mine.”“Yeah?”Your friendship with him as always mattered the most to you. It wasn’t even a question.“Of course. I didn’t make very intricate embroidery floss friendship bracelets at summer camp when I was thirteen for just anyone, you know.” You’d spent hours making him one in his favorite colors. He’d worn it until it fell off and then asked for another. “You’re my favorite too,” you repeat, wanting him to hear it again.

they are real to me, alexa.-- thank god for that because they're a bit too real for me, so I am happy to share, lol. Ok, but like her at the arts and crafts tent spending a whole afternoon making him one and then being so excited to give it to him later?? i mean, my heart. The love was always there, but that year of them being friends as adults living in the same place and getting to kind of relearn each other was what changed it from that affectionate kind to a romantic kind, but I loved them here calling the other their "favorite", like i think there's something truly lovely about them- even with all that distance- still picking the other as their like forever #1. Out of everyone they know, they both still would choose each other. 🥰

anywayyyyssssssss

I'm so happy you liked it!

California Dreaming

Summary: At sometime past 4am, the last thing you would have ever expected was to receive a call from Bradley Bradshaw. But time is a funny thing it feels like it might be running out.

Pairing: Bradley 'Rooster' Bradshaw x Female Reader

Length: 5.6K

Warnings: angst and a bit In-N-Out slander

(author's note: this fic is set in the 'Like I Can Universe', but can be read on its own!)

You’re pulled from the light sleep you’d just barely managed to slip into by the sound of your phone ringing.

Although you weren’t too sure if your mind was playing tricks on you again. And in that liminal space between awake and asleep, you didn’t trust yourself to know the different anymore. Sleep and you haven’t been on the best of terms over the couple of months, and you had the dark circles under your eyes to prove it.

Your boss had told you about the chatter he’d heard about a position opening up soon at the West Coast office. It was an opportunity that would be perfect for you, minus the fact it would involve uprooting your entire life and moving across the country. You still hadn’t given him an answer yet whether he should put you forward for it or not. But you’d taken to sleeping with your ringer on just in case you were needed for anything, not wanting to close the door completely. And you’d woken up in a panic more than once thinking you’d slept through an emergency call, only to see absolutely zero new notifications.

Just when think it might have been another stress induced fluke, it goes off again.

Bleary eyed, you scramble to reach it. Wanting to silence it to not wake up your boyfriend from his more-peaceful-than-yours slumber. Only half-consciously noting it’s sometime past 4 AM.

However, it’s the name splashed across the screen that makes your heart stop.

𝗕𝗥𝗔𝗗𝗟𝗘𝗬 𝗕𝗥𝗔𝗗𝗦𝗛𝗔𝗪

You sit straight up, the crisp white sheets your boyfriend preferred pooling around your waist.

“Bradley?” You don’t even remember hitting the green button before the phone was up to your ear. “Bradley? Are you ok?” The words come out a sleepy slur all jumbled together by your sluggish tongue.

He’d texted you when he landed back on US soil; a silly selfie with crinkled bag of McDonalds in his hand and the American flag in the background. It had made you grin like an idiot when your phone had lit up with it.

You knew that he had been called back to Top Gun, but that was as much as he’d been able to tell you.

With the time difference, it makes it the hour too early for you, but also too late for him. He should be asleep right now. But you know Bradley, he wouldn’t be calling right now unless it was about something important.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I know it’s late there,” Bradley apologizes. “Or early, I guess.”

Tired. He sounds so tired.

You didn’t doubt he was still probably fighting the jetlag that came with being in San Diego after living in Japan for the last year and a half. But it was the weariness in his tone that had you concerned.

“But you’re ok?” you press. You needed to hear it.

“I…” he pauses, then sighs. “Yeah, kid. Everything’s fine.”

You blow out a relieved breath, rubbing at your heavy eyes.

“Good. That’s good,” you nod, reassuringly. Not that he can see you.

He is safe. He is ok. That’s all that matters to you.

Jack groans your name. “Seriously?” The word drips of exasperation and annoyance.

You wince. Less at its sharpness, but more at the feeling like you can’t seem do anything right lately.

You and your boyfriend have been together a little over two years now. You have a comfortable life together in Boston, nice even. But you shook the snowglobe of your relationship when you’d first mentioned the possibility of a promotion and moving, and it still felt like you were waiting for the remainders of all those stirred up flakes to settle back down.

“Give me a minute, Bradley,” you whisper into the phone, “Don’t hang up.” Your voice is so quiet you’re not even sure he heard you.

You turn towards your boyfriend, an apology on the tip of your tongue, but he’s already rolled over away from you.

A literal cold shoulder.

Your eyes trace over the exposed skin of his back. It’s dark, but you could point out where every freckle is on him with bullseye precision. Sometimes you weren’t sure if he knew you as well.

Like when he’d bring you red roses, a flower you’ve never felt one way or another about. You’d tell yourself it’s the thought that counts, that it’s the gesture that matters. But for as many times as you’ve bought your favorite flowers yourself and displayed them on the coffee table in your shared living room, Jack has never once brought them home for you.

It made you wonder sometimes if he even truly wanted you, if he cared enough to pay attention. Or if he was just content in the fact that you’d be there.

And then you’d feel guilty for even thinking that in the first place.

But you didn’t just break up with someone over flowers.

Or the way he always seemed to make plans for you with his friends without ever asking you first. Or the way he was never more attentive to you until the two of you were in front of a group.

There’s a sliver of moonlight peeking through the edges of the blinds of your bedroom. A set of curtains would have solved the issue, but you’d never been able to get Jack on board. It was something you there thankful for now as you tiptoed out of the room with just enough light to make sure you wouldn’t trip over anything.

You ease the door gently closed behind you, feeling some of the tension melt from your body.

“Ok, I’m back,” you tell your best friend.

“I take it we woke up Jack?”

“Yeah,” you sigh, padding towards the black leather couch in the living room. You fight back the hiss that wants to be released when your bare thighs touch the ice-cold material. The October chill had a way of sneaking in everywhere. “He’s got a big pitch presentation on Friday,” you say, feeling like you need to explain, “So he’s just a bit on edge right now.”

Bradley makes a noncommittal sound, something close but not quite like a disapproving rumble. You distract yourself from reading into it too much by turning on the lamp on the side table to its lowest setting. A dim glow illuminating the living room.

“Tell me, how’s California?” It’s a pivot. You know you’re trying to smooth things over; you’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

“Sunny.”

You snort and roll your eyes.

“It seems you left good jokes back in Japan,” you tease. You pull your knees up to your chest and reach for your favorite soft knit blanket, tucking it around you. “Be honest, how many things did you forget to pack this time?”

Bradley groans your name. This time you smile.

“I had to take scissors to my favorite pair of Levi’s, because I didn’t bring any shorts for the beach.”

Picturing the pained look on his face as he desecrated his favorite jeans nearly sends you into a fit a giggles. But out of respect for the fallen and your best friend’s feelings you press your lips together, the corners pulling up on their own.

You can’t resist lightly teasing him though, “Beach jeans? That sounds like a choice.”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Bradley says, solemnly. The drama queen.

“Is there someone who saw you in them that I could bribe for some new blackmail material?” you ask. “It’s been a while since I’ve gotten my hands on anything truly juicy.”

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, kid, but I looked damn good in them.”

This time you don’t hold back the laugh, only muffling it with a hand over your mouth when you realize that your boyfriend could probably hear you through the closed door.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Give me some time and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I’ll make some space in my Bradshaw Blackmail folder in the meantime.” Bradley’s warm chuckle in your ear makes the room feel less cold. “So what else have you been up to?”

“We haven’t had a ton of down time, but I did hit up an In-N-Out with Natasha the other night.” That was a name you were familiar with. You’ve never met Bradley’s fellow aviator and friend, but you were happy he had someone with him there that he was close to. “It was the same one I took you to when you came to visit after I finished Top Gun the first time.”

It was a fluke of fate that you’d been sent to the West Coast office for some training around the time that Bradley was on leave before being sent back to his squadron. The overlap was only for a few days, but the two of you had made the most of it.

“Who knew you were such a sentimentalist?” You lean your head back against the couch.

“It’s the closest one to base,” he justifies, “Although, you’ll be happy to know their milkshakes are still trash.”

You grin. “Hey, I never said they were trash. That was all you, Bradshaw.”

You’ve only been there the once, but it had been fun getting to experience it with him for your first time. He’d ordered more than enough food for two people, making sure to get some of the more classic not-so-secret menu items for you to try. And the Neapolitan shake had been fine, but the ones from the ice cream shop in your hometown where Bradley had had his first job were much better.

“Your face said otherwise,” he bats back.

You hum noncommittally, not wanting to concede. It was more fun for you this way, even if he was right. Not to mention no one knows how to read your face better than Bradley does.

When you don’t argue, he continues, “There’s even a rumor going around that they might want to keep some of us around longer. Like they’d form a new squadron that would be stationed here.”

You perk up, “In San Diego? You could be there permanently?” Between his deployments and moving around from base to base, you don’t think he’s been in one place for more than two years since he went to UVA. “That would be amazing.”

“Yeah, it really would,” Bradley agrees, he sounds hopeful, “But I don’t want to get ahead of myself.”

‘Hope for the best, but expect the worst’ was the motto he seemed to live by. He’d had the rug pulled out from underneath him more times than anyone else you knew.

The two of you are quiet for a moment.

You don’t want to push him into talking about whatever the reason is that he’s called so early in the morning. But no matter how many jokes you trade with him, it’s still in the forefront of your mind. And try as you might, you can’t shake that feeling of unsettledness that was resting heavily on your chest.

Outside your living room window, the streetlights are bright against the dark sky.

You’ve told him more times than you could count that he could call you any time, but Bradley being Bradley has always made it a point to call during hours that were convenient for you, even if that meant he was still up at some ungodly hour.

But that was so him, always putting everyone else ahead of himself.

With the confidentiality that goes hand in hand with his job, you know he can’t talk about the specifics. It was something you were used to after nearly a decade of Naval service behind him.

You nibble on your lower lip, weighing your words.

“How’s it been with…” You trail off, but you know he knows who you’re referring to. You run a hand up and down your calf, trying to warm up quicker.

Mav? Pete? He’d been Captain Mitchell the last time you’d seen him back when you were in high school, you weren’t sure what his rank was now.

Mav has always been the number one topic on Bradley Bradshaw’s No Fly List. The few times you’ve dared to bring it up in the past had been shut down quicker than you think he could probably fly his jet.

Bradley told you last week in a text that had simply read He’s here. You didn’t even have to ask who he was. It had been just as much of a shock to you as you imagined it probably was for him seeing the man who had derailed his dreams when everything else in his world had already fallen apart.

It was a story you’d always thought there had been more to, but between the two of them you’d always be Team Bradley. That’s how it was supposed to be for best friends.

You can feel Bradley mulling over his answer. “It’s been… motivating.”

The way he says it you can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. And maybe he doesn’t even know himself.

You sit up straighter on the couch. “Oh?” you say, casually. Neutrally. Not wanting to let your inflection to color Bradley’s response.

Their reunion has been a long time coming, you just wished you could be there for him with this the way he’s always been there for you. Not just on the phone, but there by his side.

Bradley sighs again, it’s heavier this time. Like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He’s probably roughly running his hand down his face, the way he always does when he’s really, truly frustrated. Like he’s trying to free those too big feelings from trapped beneath his skin.

“I’m flying with him for the first time in my career. I want him to see why I’m here. I want to show him.” The anger, the hurt rings though loud and clear. But so does the determination. “These patches I’ve been called back are the best of the best that there is. And I’m one of them, kid. And I got here on my own, without him.”

You wait to see if he is going to continue or not, wanting to give him the space to talk through his feelings, but he’s gone quiet again.

“You’ve worked so hard for this, Bradley.”

“It was all I ever wanted,” he says, his voice rough, “To be like them.”

Like Mav. Like Ice. Like his dad.

You’d been there for the fallout. He’d been crushed when he didn’t get to go to the Academy, the self-destruction that followed had been hard to watch. You’d seen the way he had to pick up the pieces of his life. The way the boy had quickly had to become a man. Every choice Bradley has made since then has been with one purpose in mind.

He’d set out to be a Naval aviator and he’d achieved it.

“You should be so proud of yourself,” you say, softly. “I know I am.”

You imagine Mav is proud too, but you don’t say that part out loud.

After all, he practically helped raise Bradley- in his own way. Always calling whenever he could. Sending presents. Spending his leave time with the Bradshaws. They’d been a family.

“Sometimes-” Bradley cuts himself off, trying to collect his thoughts. You can almost feel the tormented whirlwind of them through the phone. “Sometimes,” he starts again, “There are moments, when I see him fly- it’s crazy shit that no one but him can do- and I forget. Just for a second. But then I remember and it’s like I’m eighteen and feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut all over again.”

Your stomach twists in the same way it always does when you’re reminded of that rough period in time when the two of you were just teens. And now that you’re older, your ache even more for the boy whose whole world was so turned upside down by the one person he thought would never let him down.

It’s times like this where you can feel every mile between the two of you. Every inch of space in your long-distance friendship. And it chafes at you that all you can be is an ear for him to vent to rather than a shoulder for him to lean on.

“There’s no version of this where it wasn’t going to be tough. And I don’t think you trying to brush off who he was to you, like none of that mattered, is going to make this any easier for you,” you tell him. “Not with the history the two of you have. And you can’t punish yourself for having feelings about it.”

“I told him no one would mourn him if he burned in.” He all but blurts it out.

Your suck in sharp breath and you shake your head in disbelief, “Bradley, you didn’t.” There’s no hiding the shock in your voice.

You know there’s an unspoken code of conduct between aviators from the things you’ve picked up from the way he’s talked about his career and fellow Naval officers over the years. That when everyone’s lives are so dependent on each other to look out for one another, there were certain things you didn’t joke about. Things you didn’t throw around, not even in the heat of a moment.

“Shit, shit,” he mutters, more to himself than to you.

You don’t know what to say to him. It’s silent in your darkened living room. The only sound is of his affected breathing over the phone.

You can’t keep dancing around things with him anymore tonight. He cracked open the door, but now you’re the one pushing through it.

“Bradley, what happened?”

His voice is strained when he speaks again, “We had a couple accidents during training a few days ago- no one was hurt.” He is quick to clarify, and you know it’s for your benefit. “It was a bird strike and they had to eject, but they were cleared to fly the next morning.” It hits too close to home all the same. You don’t worry about anyone the way you worry about Bradley. “Mav found me in the Ready Room later that night, and it was just the two of us alone for the first time since everything happened. He was talking to me like I was the kid he’d helped raise, instead of the one he’d fucked over. And then all that anger came rushing back. So I did what I always seem to do, I went for all the things that I knew would hurt him the most.”

You squeeze your eyes tight in sympathy. You’ve been on the receiving end of Bradley’s sharp tongue before. You’ve never held it against him, but you’ve also never forgotten the way his words sliced straight through you.

The guilt in his voice is unmistakable and it's a confession you can tell that takes a lot out of him. No one holds on to regrets- or grudges- like he does. Even if the one he’s holding it against is himself. You know this is going to be something he’ll carry around with him for a long time to come.

But it is the way he stumbles over the mention of Carole that cracks your heart open.

You had grown up adoring her. She’d been lightning in a bottle. Her smile was always the brightest in the room, and her laughter always made people stop to look wanting to be in on the joke too. There was no one quite like her.

And after she died, you’d mourned that loss too. You still carried the evidence of that love with the scar issue on your heart. But for Bradley, that was a wound that no amount of time would ever fully heal for him. Forever a reminder of who wasn’t there.

He’d already lost so much. First, his dad. Then his mom. And now with his uncle.

Bradley had told you about Ice and his passing. You knew they had come to an understanding in the after of everything. It was a relationship held together by a monthly phone call or two, and a dinner invite whenever Bradley was in town. He’d called you during one of his breaks on the morning he found out, troubled because he didn’t know he’d even been sick.

Just more time missed with someone who had meant something to him.

You didn’t want him to regret saying those harsh words without the chance to make amends. You didn’t want him to miss out on any more time with people who wanted to be there for him. You didn’t want him to shoulder around that pain and resentment anymore. A decade and a half of it was more than enough to carry that around. You didn’t want him to forever push away the one person who probably cared for him just as much as you did.

“So apologize,” you gently urge him. “Talk to Mav and apologize. For him and for you.”

He sighs, heavily, “It’s not that simple.”

Gone is the quiet girl in her dark living room. You want him to hear you. “It really is though, Bradley. Tell him. Pull him aside after class or get there early. Or take him to that bar on the beach you told me about and buy him a beer. Don’t let this be a thing you can’t take back. You can still apologize.”

“I-I don’t think I can. There’s not enough time for that now.” His words are stilted.

You feel your eyebrows pinch in confusion, “Aren’t you guys there for a couple more weeks?” He doesn’t answer you right away and you feel a chill drift across you, even under your blanket. “Does that mean you’re shipping out soon?”

“It’s why I called.” There’s something more serious in his tone, you’re talking to the Naval officer now. “We got the orders, we ship out tomorrow. Or later today, technically.”

There’s a swooping sensation in your stomach and it feels like the floor has fallen out beneath your feet.

“Goddamn it, Bradshaw. Why didn’t you say something sooner?” Your voice wavers.

“I know, I probably should have.” At least he has the good sense to admit it. “I just wanted to talk to you, like normal. Although we didn’t get very far before I derailed the conversation,” he says, self-deprecatingly. “Do you think you can give me a few more minutes of normal, kid?”

You know there’s not much you can ask, and even less than he can tell you. You’re surprised you even allowed to know this much.

But you don’t need a dossier of confidential government information to tell you that whatever he’s being sent to do is dangerous, because you’d be able to read even the most redacted version of Bradley Bradshaw. You’d known something was off from the very moment you’d seen his name lighting up your phone.

You don’t want him to feel your anxiousness, you don’t want to add to whatever else he’s currently going through. Bradley called you because he wants to let his mind relax. So if he wants normal, you can give him normal. You can give him as much as he wants, as much as he needs.

“I’m sorry for making fun of your beach shorts.”

Bradley huffs a soft laugh, “No, you’re not.”

“You know,” you muse, fighting to keep your tone light and airy, “I haven't played hooky in a while and I have some miles to use before the end of the year.”

“You want to come out here?” The suggestion works just like you hoped it would, he sounds less troubled than before.

“I could use some Vitamin D and a milkshake. Do you know a good place to make it worth my while?”

“I might. It depends on your opinion is about Neapolitan shakes though.” Your nose scrunches up on its own. “Are you making that face, kid?”

“No,” you reply too quickly.

“Liar.”

You smile to yourself. “I’ll even let you pick me up from the airport and you can finally show me that Bronco of yours in person. It only seems fair that I get to see what all the hubbub is about after I’ve spent hours letting you talk my ear off about it: V8 engine this and four-speed manual transmission that.” You do your best Bradley impersonation and earn an amused scoff from him.

He’d bought it right before he’d been sent to Japan. Ice and his wife had been looking after it for him while he was away. Bradley had even documented his reunion with it after landing back on US soil by sending you a video of it with him humming the Peaches & Herb song in the background.

“You’ve got yourself a deal,” Bradley says. You think he might be smiling too.

It’s all to easy for you to slip into a normal conversation with him. He asks about your mom and stepdad. You don’t mention the possible promotion, but instead tell him about the passive aggressive microwave fish debacle that plagued the entire floor for days.

The two of you talk about nothing in a way that feels like everything. And every chuckle you pull out of him feels like a victory. Your tired eyes flutter shut on their own, with them closed you can almost pretend he’s sitting right next to you, until a yawn slips out of you without your permission.

“It’s getting late, I should let you go.”

You want to keep talking to him, but you can imagine the circles that have already formed under his eyes over the last few days. “You should get your sleep. Rest up, because we have big milkshake plans…and you’re not allowed to stand me up. Got it, Bradshaw?”

“I hear you,” he promises. “Try to stay out of trouble until I get back, kid.”

“No promises.” You feel your lower lip wobble.

“Atta girl.”

You laugh. It sounds a little watery to your own ears, but you hope he doesn’t hear it. You’re grateful he didn’t choose to FaceTime you. It’s probably for the best he can’t see your face, you’ve never been a very good poker player.

“Be safe, Bradley.”

You’ve already decided that you’ll let him be the one to hang up first. You didn’t have it in you to hit the red button before he did.

He blurts out your name. “Wait.”

“I’m still here,” you answer, quickly.

You hear him sigh in relief. “I-You know you’re my favorite, right?”

“I know.” Your throat gets thick and your eyes prickle. “And you’re mine.”

“Yeah?”

Your friendship with him as always mattered the most to you. It wasn’t even a question.

“Of course. I didn’t make very intricate embroidery floss friendship bracelets at summer camp when I was thirteen for just anyone, you know.” You’d spent hours making him one in his favorite colors. He’d worn it until it fell off and then asked for another. “You’re my favorite too,” you repeat, wanting him to hear it again.

“Ok. Ok, good,” Bradley says. He lets out a slow breath. “See you soon for milkshakes, kid.”

“See you soon.” It comes out a reedy whisper.

You stay on the line until he hangs up.

And only when the screen goes black do you allow yourself to give into the emotions that had been surging up inside of you.

With the corner of your blanket, you wipe at the tears that are making hot tracks down your cheeks. There’s a hollowness that has settled in your chest that you don’t think will go away until he tells you when to book your ticket to come and see him.

It doesn’t matter that you remind yourself that he is one of the best at he does. Or that you know he’ll be with other people who are just as good as he is. In all the years he’s been in the Navy, you’ve never once heard him sound that unsure before, and it’s rattled you.

It’s not that you didn’t know there was risk every time he sat in the cockpit of his fighter jet, even if it was just to train. But this was the first time it’s ever felt like he was preparing you for the possibility that you might never see or hear from him again.

You didn’t want to imagine a world with Bradley Bradshaw in it.

He’s never once broken a promise with you, and he wasn’t allowed to start now.

You don’t know how long you sit there in the dark with only your feelings and the sound of the clock on the wall for company.

Your eyes drift towards the closed bedroom door, where you’re sure Jack is sleeping unbothered on a soft mattress between stark white sheets.

It hits you then that he hadn’t come to check on you.

It’s still just as dark outside. Only the little lamp next to the couch offers any light, as you look around your living room.

You’d liked all the exposed brick when you’d first moved in, had imagined all the ways you could soften the apartment with things to make it more cozy for you and your boyfriend. More like the two of you.

But the books on the bookcase had been carefully chosen to fit a neutral color palette, while all your favorites had been moved to the smaller one in the office. Their colorful covers hidden away. The spot where you thought some kind of landscape painting could have gone, had a photograph of a sepia-toned city hanging there instead. It was still art, but it was the kind of thing that had been made to disappear into the background.

You keep waiting to see a piece of yourself reflected in the room, some mark of you that had been left behind in the home you live in, but other than the black and white striped rug that had been too good of a deal to pass up on at a store with a no return policy, none could be found. You didn’t see any of yourself there at all.

You thought that you’d been making compromises, but it’s dawning on you that all along really what you’ve been doing is making concessions. A one-sided partnership. When all you ever wanted was to share a life with someone.

Earlier you found yourself making excuses to Bradley, but now it felt like something you weren’t sure you wanted to look past.

You are tired.

And not because it’s sometime around 5 AM now. You’re already well past the start of a new day.

You’re tired of being the one to trying to make something work.

You’re tired of being the one who always makes a genuine effort.

You’re tired of red roses.

Maybe people did end relationships over flowers. Or the art on the walls.

Grabbing your phone, you open your email ignoring all the messages that are already waiting for you, and start typing out a message. When you’re done, you read it over a couple of time before sending it off to your boss. The whoosh that follows as it bounces off the exposed brick in the quiet living room feels like progress.

You didn’t want to miss out on any more time either.

Not with the people who mattered the most to you. The people you mattered the most to.

Leaning over the arm of the couch you turn off the lamp and stretch out to get comfortable on the cushions underneath you. You tuck a throw pillow under your head and drape the blanket over you.

From this angle, you can almost pretend the city lights look like stars.

Your alarm is already set, and if you’re lucky you can doze a bit longer before it will go off all too soon.

But it’ll ok if sleep doesn’t find you.

You’re already California dreaming.

Who gave me permission to do this to myself?! Oh my heart. Don't mind me, I'm just in my angsty era. Thank you for reading!

If you enjoyed these two, you can read their story from the start here!

You can read my other stories here!

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#thank you for reading and reblogging #here have a bradley #the babe with the big feels

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