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i-appear-misssing · 1 year ago

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Got woken up by my mom screaming for help, dog was scared too. I climbed the stairs two by two and the door was open upstairs so her screaming was loud and clear and it was the most horrible sound I've ever heard, probably worse than when I would hear her cry alone in the bathroom when I was a kid. I knew already that it was about her boyfriend with low blood sugar, but I'd never seen a hypoglycemic crisis that severe. He was still seizing a little and his lips and tongue were turning blue. I tried to stay calm like I used to when I would call the emergency number at work but my mom's screams just kept on coming and I could hear the panic in my voice as I talked to the operator. Later I felt so ashamed about that, I'm supposed to know how to stay calm in an emergency, I had so much practice. It was the first time I've ever called an ambulance for someone I know, I love. As soon as I got done with the call my mom sprinted out of the room to put the dog outside and make way for the incoming ambulance and I was alone with him. He'd gone stiff but he wasn't seizing anymore, he'd look at me when I talked to him but could hardly stay awake and the snoring breathing drilled into my head and he was so pale and sweaty and I kept looking at the little pool of tears that had gathered between his eye and the bridge of his nose. I kept wondering if he was scared, how terrifying it must be to feel yourself lose control and know what's happening knowing also that you cannot stop it. When he was still in the deep of it he grabbed my arm for a moment and squeezed and widened his eyes and I. I couldn't do anything except keep him on his side and talk and tell him to breathe I couldn't do anything except wait. Thank fuck my mom had managed to make him drink a smidge of sugar water before he collapsed, and it was kinda funny seeing him slowly get a little better just as the ambulance pulled into the driveway. I checked his blood sugar before the doctor got in and it was 65. Not even that low. Fear subsided fast and I immediately started feeling ashamed for how panicky I was on the phone, for being an actual medical doctor who couldn't do jack medical shit in a time of need and I was now in my pajamas with leftover makeup from last night and a girl I dated last year was in my mom's kitchen cause she's an EMT and I always tend to minimize what happened once the immediate danger is gone. He was fine in the end but he did smash his back into the radiator and was still confused as fuck after an hour. And I just keep thinking about my mom screaming bloody murder and his eyes rolling back and the hyperextension of his feet when I first got upstairs. My mom has had to deal with illness, hospitals, care facilities, death and grief for......nearly 15 years now. Before that was the gorey divorce, the abortion, mangling depression. I'm happy she found someone she loves, and I know she's an adult and should know how to take care of herself and so is he and so should he, but imagining her spending the rest of her life with the looming spectre of a chronic illness like diabetes, and having to deal with something like this alone in the future, maybe when they're both older and more fragile too.......god it shakes me to my core.

She asked me what would have happened if he was home alone. And I don't know, genuinely, cause I don't wanna be catastrophic abut something I'm not sure about, but I immediately thought he would have eventually gone into a hypoglycemic coma and.

I'm going away in a month, and he's gonna move in. Which is good I guess. But fuck if I didn't wish, sometimes, that she had found someone she doesn't have to worry about. And I know, that's shitty and ableist, I know, it's patronizing because this is a 50 yo man and he knows how to take care of himself but sometimes he really really doesn't, cause he's terrified of hyperglycemia and its long term effects so he sometimes is a little careless with his blood sugar, on the low side. I just want my mom to find some peace, but maybe I do take after her and I'm overreacting a little.

She's the least calm under pressure person I've ever known. And that also reminds me of someone else and maybe I understand stuff about myself and my choices a little better now. It's why I never talk to her about my worries, my problems. I wonder if she's the reason I'm always scared about almost every single thing, if this anxiety I'd hereditary or learned or......idk. the only thing I know is that I don't want that ancestral fear we share as a family consume me like that. It's on my dad's side too, it's in my sister as well, it contaminated every one of us, and it latches onto health stuff.

So this was fun

#very long very personal a little problematic towards the end and probably also not very sensitive towards my mom's boyfriend's privacy #who cares nobody reads these anyway #fun morning overall I'd say

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smile-files · 1 month ago

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a happy-go-lucky darling who also happens to possess a lust for blood... being a magical girl gives her the best of both worlds!

#dandy's doodles #magical girl #magical girl oc #an incredibly rough sketch just to get the idea down :)#for a while now i've wanted a character who unabashedly went around murdering people! so here she is!#lala is very kind but she also has the constant urge to maim and kill #as a magical girl she just picks random people and kills them with her heavenly chainsaw #and people assume she'd only kill people who deserved it - cuz she's a magical girl after all - so nobody cares #(the logic isn't really meant to be parsed through... morally or otherwise lol)#there's no real story here. there are no consequences to any of this or anything #it's just fun to imagine the horribly gory scenes lala would get herself into...#and yes there is a link between her smiley motif and mine :) though i promise i am not a murderous magical girl :)#a funny thing... i just read watchmen and there's this recurring symbol of the comedian's smiley face pin with a spot of blood on it #and i wasn't thinking about that at all when designing lala but she has smiley faces on her chainsaw and ribbon...#...and you'd imagine those smiley faces would get plenty bloody!#anyway i should probably go to bed. enjoy my little pookie

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silvermoon424 · 3 months ago

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i'm so tired.

#guess who has some kind of nerve damage or deep tissue damage or SOMETHING from my fucking wisdom tooth extraction #THIS GAL #not only did I have to pay $1200 for a new crown that the oral surgeon knocked off because my insurance wouldn't cover it #that same area has been experiencing pain and other symptoms for weeks now #AND now I've started getting dry mouth too #I finally made an appointment with the surgeon on Monday because I'm so tired of this #I've been extremely physically and mentally fragile since that surgery 2 months ago #and it feels like nobody takes me seriously because it's such a routine surgery and most people have no complications #I just want someone to acknowledge the pain I've been going through and how much I've been struggling #btw if you're reading this please please PLEASE listen to your gut when it comes to medical stuff #I didn't like the place I went to after the consultation but felt like I didn't have a choice #because they're one of the few places that do extractions in a hospital setting and I needed that #I should have listened to my gut and tried to find somewhere else to go instead of just passively accepting it like I fucking always do #when am I finally going to grow a spine #anyway yeah take care of yourself because no one else will

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the-one-who-lambs · 1 month ago

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I wrote 1400 words today in 3 hours, which is absolutely nuts for me (usually I write in like 1, max 2 hour sessions, and get like 200-500 done on days that I write). I'm tempted to write more, but I'm just about to finish the first big scene of the chapter and if I leave that for myself tomorrow that gives me a really easy starting point to get into a good flow again.

My chapters are usually about 6k-7k on average. I warned y'all in advance that I expected this to be the longest chapter in the entire fic, because this (and ch 16+17) are going to be the most character development-heavy, climactic parts of the narrative. And since I'm want to make this chapter in particular hit like a motherfucker, I am being very generous about not rushing the pacing here. So far Chapter 15 is 4500 words, and my god do I want to write more of it right now, but I know damn well that overall writing more consistently in shorter sessions gives me much better results so I'm going to let my creative batteries recharge.

Normally, I don't make my writing any longer than it needs to be, because I am able to take the events of what could be a 15k chapter and make it just as effective in, say, 5-7k, and it's taken a lot of skill development to be able to do that successfully and without much difficulty. However, (I hope) I have enough practice with the "rules/standards" of "good writing" that I'm experimenting with breaking that particular convention intentionally.

Which is... not usually what my readers expect from my updates lmao. So I'm giving y'all a warning in advance:

I'm gonna estimate that this chapter's gonna be 13k-15k. Probably 12k at the absolute minimum. Will it actually take too much longer than a regular chapter? Probably not a whole lot because I'm in the creative-energy-overflow stage of chapter writing that gets me so in the zone that I've powered through half the chapter in a week before I know it.

#hannah's rambles #“I wrote a long letter because I didn't have time to write a short one” etc etc but ALSO #this time I'm making it long on purpose.#Am I too persistent about maintaining “good writing form” even though it's fanfic and I write it for fun?#Yeah probably but I reserve that attitude for my own writing and literally nobody else's #break “good writing form” on purpose!! do it on accident!! who cares it's fanfic and you're doing it for fun #I don't need the fanfics I enjoy reading to be published novel quality and we shouldn't expect that from others/hold anyone to that standar #like. even typos are fine imo. something something imperfection making it so distinctly human and relatable and a product of passion #I just want to give FULL DISCLOSURE that I am only taking this attitude about my own creations jkdghdks #not in an “everyone else's not 100% perfect creations are enjoyable but me” sense #but in an “I am setting ridiculously high goals that I probably won't completely meet which is ok bc this is how i improve best” sort of wa #ANYWAY tags became an actual ramble but yeah lol

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im-going-to-eat-your-family · 7 months ago

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I get super offtrack and stuff but um here's me talking about myself and stuff

If you wanna listen to me rant ig:

So I learned about therianthropy from youtube (bc I don't have/want tiktok) and it was very different when I searched it on tumblr

I'm a lot more informed now I think and I've gotten more comfortable in my own fur (haha get it?[I'm so sorry]) and it was a huge thing for me for the first few months cause like WOAH new identity unlocked! And I wanted to tell my friends cuz... They are my friends ..... And I want them to know who I am ig

And holy roll of toilet paper that was so freaking awkward

I explained a little bit about what it was, and how it was different from tt and yt and they didn't say anything they just kinda say there and we're like okayyyy thennnnnn and I told them if they wanted to ask questions they could and i wouldn't bring it up again if it made them uncomfy

So I didn't bring it up again

One of the two friends has never said anything about it at all (it's fine, it is kinda weird even to me, so I understand) and the other is I think getting more less uncomfortable about it

Like friend #2 I was walking home from school with and they go 'haha you sound like a crow' and I just AAAAAAAA THAT MEANT SO MUCH TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE

but it is such an uncomfortable topic for people that I will never share that again unless they ask. I'm not gonna lie but I'm not gonna bring it up either 😭��

I do occasionally hint at it? Like I won't say 'therian' or 'alterhuman/nonhuman' but I will say 'lok yeah I'm a crow/otter/cougar/etc' and I love doing that

It makes me so happy

Bc 'therian' makes people think of people that wear masks and run around on all fours (neither of these things are bad, but that isn't what therianthropy always is. The way I worded that sounds negative but I don't mean it that way I'm just bad with words)

And that makes ppl uncomfortable bc they don't understand it

Anyway

Online? I've gotten so much more comfortable

I've occasionally mentioned my animalness on my main blog bc.... ITs whO I aM

I don't like sharing my user to ppl I know offline bc I don't want them to know

But

I think as I've grown more used to and comfortable with my identity, I care less

So the next time a friend asks for my user? I will say @im-too-emotionally-involved because if they care about me at all? They will respect me and who I am.

#woah #i got all confident and stuff #yeah i got very offtrack and nobody probably cares about any of that hut i wanted to share sk SUCK IT UP #if you dont wnana hear about it DONT READ IT #ITS THAT SIMPLE #anyway #ty to those who did read that #your cool #and to those that didnt #your also cool #i have respect for people sometimes 😎#alterhuman #nonhuman #therianthropy #therian #therian stuff #therian things #therian community

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simcardiac-arrested · 10 months ago

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no actually I’d like to hear your thoughts on the isat ending

Like i said it felt really tropey and by that i meant that it’s just Everything Good Happens forever and…..that’s it ? like idk we were building up to this huge catharsis sort of thing and then we got to it and it was so sudden and not a good payoff and just kind of nothingburger of an ending . the fact that everyone just forgives siffrin bothers me, or at least the fact that they don’t confront them about the shit they’ve said and done. call me a mental illness villainizer but i think if you’re a fucking asshole and doing the most insensitive things to the people you care about then hey, i think those ppl have a right to fucking tell you off for it. likeeee idk being at your lowest point …… not an excuse …. not feeling it chief ……. like sure the message is to move past your mistakes or whatever but ? that doesn’t mean just getting away with it ??? and i just really don’t understand Why everyone forgives him. honestly at the end of the day the ending is just one problem, the root of which are the characters. everyone feels like trope cardboard cutouts. oh, this is the smart one. this is the smol bean. this is the himbo. and they all care for each other btw. Did u hear that? they all care for each other. we’re not really going to explain to you why these people are so close or what they went through together but just trust me man they’re sooo found famy. like …. okay. i’ve played 30 hours of this game and not once did i buy that any of the characters really cared about each other. like??? why???? You’re telling me everyone super cares about siffrin even though they barely know them?? you’re telling me siffrin cares about everyone sooo much even though he never even bothered to find out their problems before ? Wat ? and this just breaks the ending more because literally whyyy do these people care about him so bad. and then it’s just whyyy does siffrin Have to tell them anything he doesn’t even seem to know them that well. everyone feels like colleagues and Just Friends at best. and so the ending just seems really forced. like it was written by that type of tumblr user who’s always talking about aww why does the found family have to break up after the end of the journey :( which is like fiiiiine. i guess. but u guys know that u have to build up to it right?? you can’t just tell me they’re Family Members(tm) 102829 times and that they super care about each other source: trust. you can’t just do that and then expect me to believe it ….. It feels unearned. the ending feels unearned and i don’ttttt understand what i’m supposed to take away from it . that it’s ok to fuck people up because you’re traumatized and insecure?? that you have to talk about your deepest problems with people you barely know??? i just dont know. Like i said if im being honest the problems with this game’s writing are more than just the ending, it just stands out so much because there’s a lot of build up and then just …… That

#honest to god if you want a Good Example of a story like this just look at dungeon meshi #we start the story from the end of the characters’ journey. they all don’t know each other very well and they’re just working together #hell they don’t even like each other that much. And then as the story develops and they go through their journey we get to see them bond and #get closer and fight and make up and admit they care about each other and still be mad at each other #nobody even gives a fuck about laios at the beginning of the story but by the end of it they’re all willing to die for him. THAT feels #earned. when marcille super fucks up and everyone tells her off for it but still wants to just make sure she’s ok That feels earned #like honest to god i’d take marcille’s arc any day than whatever’s siffrin going on #i just feel like this game suffers from a chronic Tell Dont Show syndrome. we get old over and over again that these characters are close #told*#and that they care about each other. And that’s just ….. not a way to write a story ………#when all the characters exist just to comfort the Whump Main it’s like how am i supposed to get invested. in any of this #u know when the dev replied to someone who was asking them how to write a story and they just said ‘glue your fav tropes together until it #becomes a story’? Well i think that is isat’s main problem. it’s not really a story. it doesn’t really have characters #it’s just a bunch of tropes in a trench coat. And let me tell u that is notttt how you make a story. at all. at all #anyways this was supposed to be about the ending but this story just has so many inherent problems i could critique it forever🤷‍♂️ my badddd #it’s fun as a game and it’s Fine as a story but at the end of the day it just reads like fix-it fanfiction to me #which is not Bad on its own but i wish people would at least recognize how the story is kind of built on sticks #cramswering

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just-sp-in-inginthevoid · 7 months ago

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Imagine reading a new manga and joking about it being homoerotic and then it gets explicitly stated that one of the protags is gay

If I don't see any weird romance blossom between those two istg-

#AINT NO WAY I WENT 'OH TOXIC HORROR YAOI /J' AND THEN THE NARRATIVE SAID 'bet.'#oh if they dont eventually end up together ill lose it #i thought- i thought i was just too influenced by tumblr when i saw the vivisection scene and went 'haha gay sex /j' and then- and then???#i dont even care if they actually get together tbh #i just want them to keep being that weird #the entire situation is fun if you ignore the atrocities lack of morality and cannibalism #one day youre a 30 y/o high school teacher - the other youre a lab experiment on immortality and a househusband. and a murder accomplice #also congrats you just gain a pet monkey who hates the mad scientist that kidnapped your corpse and brought it back to life #EDIT: OH THEYRE SO IN LOVE THERES NO WAY-#problematic couple for the win #nobody deserve to deal with them so they should stick together #i cant stop laughing #toya wtf #edit 2: officially gay yay #edit 3: ITS AN UNHAPPY ENDING NUOOOOOHHH #sleeping dead #pretty sure i stumbled on the first chapter some years ago #anyway - my conclusion to this is: sometimes its good to read smth without having any clue on what its about - sometimes all you need is to #look at the volume cover and go 'eh. lets try it'#conclusion n2: indulge in dark stories from time to time. its good. not that id say sleeping dead is the darkest out there but that may be #just me-#theres def worse than that #ive made this post in my draft before posting - thats why there are already 'edit's

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king-mera · 5 months ago

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Me resisting the urge to type out a long angry rant complaining abt how other people don't portray Phoebe correctly

#mera talks GB #phoebe spengler #ghostbsuters #OK long story short I hate how many people only started caring about her once she showed hints at having a crush #like shipping is all that matters to people in fandom to the point where it takes over all other conversations #nobody wants to talk about her other interesting character traits she's just 'the girl who fell in love with a ghost' now and that's it #this stinks #not to mention the romanticizing of the whole soul separation thing despite it being disturbing & OOC #OK that wasn't very short but you get what I mean #anyway I should stop and focus on the positive today is supposed to be a nice day with my family #I just needed 2 get that off my chest thanks to anyone who actually reads through my nonsense

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f1nneas · 7 months ago

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I wish I had a babygirlicious man next to me to keep me company right now 😼😉

#maybe Spencer Reid if he was real tbh #I love you Spencer Reid 💗💗💗#I literally wrote #doin’ it for Spencer Reid #in my book instead of doing my work LMAO 😭😭😭#I also wrote #smart is kewl #and okay werk now 💓#I hate doing work why is it so boring actually #I’m real I suppose #💓💓💓#are you guys still here… reading this… guys?…. guys…. guys…. guys…. 😿😿😿😿#I love this app actually sometimes I can just come on here and yap and post random things it’s so fun #but I’d rather die than like post about my real issues cause idk who’s reading that shiz and I find it a tad embarrassing x #but if that’s you idc do you girl nobody really cares #because why would they #if they care then they’re the weird ones #unless you’re like posting pictures of sh or like actually hate criming someone or something then that’s messed up #anyway #yeah #idk #bye guys fr now 💓💓💓#love you guys #oh and I also wrote this in my note book instead of doing my work #just to let y’all know #it’s a direct quote #I felt like sharing #and also it’s still applicable #OKAY NOW FR IM FOING ACTUALLY BYEEEEEEE

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pandorasgrief · 6 months ago

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Me reading houseki no kuni: oh wow cairngorm x aechmea is sooo juicy.... toxic. Manipulation. Grooming. Fuck yeah this is a treat

The fandom: if you like Aechmea you are a MONSTER and a RAPE APOLOGIST! Omggg he is the worst character he shouldnt have existed! Omggg poor Cairngorm, he got manipulated so much! He loved phos, he was just a tsundere :< Aechmea cut out his personality :<

Me: oh wow nobody understands wtf happened in the manga

#hnk spoilers #like cmonnnnn #ghost quartz was obsessed with phos. ghost quartz controlled cairngorm into doing what phos wanted. aechmea removed ghosts remains from him #zonk suddenly cairn doesnt care about phos?!?!? whaaaat?!?!? he mustve been brainwashed!!! (ignore when cairn loudly hated phos previously)#anyway I am a proud archmea x cairngorm shipper and I support her transition ♡♡♡#people overfocus on their cute little phos x cairngorm ignoring the facts #(the facts as in. aechmea us is way better for cairn than phos ♡)#but maybe Im just a hater for any phos ship. he should not be shipped with anyone imo nobody deserves him #he just doesnt fit with anyone imo #if here is one kind of ships I dont like is where one party genuinely hates the other with no hint of genuine positive emotions #im just a hater towards anybody who has a different reading lmao #proship #♡ tagging so that ppl who have it muted dont see my blog lol

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oceanwithouthermoon · 10 months ago

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i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,

if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."

i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,

i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason