#who apparently had a boy who was his 'other half' in childhood and young adulthood

[byler-alarmist]

Tell me in the notes how your life would be different and/or what you'd be hyperfixating on instead!

Imagine a timeline where Stranger Things never got renewed after the first season. Or worse, never got made at all.

Imagine never being introduced to all these characters and watching them grow.

[cornelthecursed]

The story behind the vampire

// Finally after weeks of putting it off, Cornel’s story is ‘revamped’ so to speak (see the pun hehehe) A lot was added and a lot was redacted, but it does not change the interaction you might have with the vampire gentleman. Don’t worry you didn’t loose all too much from his story if you didn’t read the previous version and I quite get that asking you to read around 1,7k words long background to my character might be a little more than usual, however, I would very much appreciate if you could at least give it a skim.

Without further ado - let’s dive into it:

🩸 Early childhood

Cornelius’ life started like any other - being born to parents that were well off, he never had to worry about not having anything to eat at the end of the day. He had not suspected that he might have been of supernatural origin at all. However, not everything is all nice and pleasant when you are born in the 1500s. Even if he had no idea about magics and vampires or other supernatural creatures, humans around them did. You see, his parents were not regular humans either - a mother who was a renowned vampiress and his father being the son of the Lightbringer himself, attracted unwanted attention.

The city was in uproar with accusing everyone of witchcraft and his parents were no exception. His mother had enough foresight to hide the poor child in the tool shed of their gardens when the inquisition came to get them. Cornelius stayed there for hours not knowing what was going on exactly, he had thought that bad people came to speak to his parents and so he had to hide (it was not the first time he had done so, an antichrist and a vampire marrying and actually creating an offspring isn’t exactly approved of), however, as the hours passed and his stomach grumbled with bigger intensity the longer he stayed there he slipped outside.

It didn’t take long to figure out that his parents were not home, nor their servants. Everyone was dragged off apparently and the boy did the next best thing. Grabbing a few pieces of food to eat at the moment he slipped into his bed. Being woken up early the next day by shouts of the guards to bag anything they saw for their taking Cornel used every wit he had at his disposal to hide and run away from his family home.

He realized pretty soon that he would have to scavenge for food to make due, going around town he begged where he could, nipping a bread or a grape from the odd basket put on the floor while they bantered for a better price. A first sneak peek into the life of crime for our little Cornelius. However it wasn’t long before a certain man found the boy stealing from him and decided to make him pay for the food by actually working for him - as an apprentice, since he had no children of his own. The man turned out to be the later famous man Leonardo da Vinci.

🩸 Adolescence

Gaining skills in woodworking and actually staying still (whenever muse struck his adoptive father to draw him) kept Cornel busy during his early years. Soon he was being sent out to make deals, or meet people in Leonardo’s stead when he had proven capable enough. He trained almost daily to keep his body well kept and he had a prospect in joining an order that went against the corruption that was going on in the city they lived in.

However, fate had a different plan for him. Around the age fourteen he had got very sick, to a point where he was bed ridden. No one knew what was happening to him, the doctor that was called had thought it was tuberculosis, since he was coughing up blood.

Turns out it was the year that changed his life completely. He had eventually, after weeks upon weeks of the lungs hurting and heart palpitations, turned into a creature of the night he had never heard of, with thirst that could not be satiated with normal means.

He could still feel his heartbeat, he could still breathe (even if the time he could spend underwater drastically prolonged), yet he looked different. His eyes changed from their previous blue color to red, whites exchanged for blackness that seemed to be unending, not to mention the fangs. He couldn’t go out during the day anymore either. And yet he had started researching (perhaps he had learned from his adoptive father or not), looking into anything supernatural he could get his hands on. Eventually he had found a witch who helped him with the sun dilemma, the constant voices in his head (turns out our boy is telepathic) and the weird object movement that happened around him (telekinetic powers as well). She even taught him a few glamour spells to cover up his real identity, which helped him to establish himself into the society once again.

🩸 Adulthood - until the WW I

The years went by and he trained with the assassins. He wasn't very skilled in hand-to-hand combat (and still has trouble with it) but he had been shaped into a skillful tracker, strategist and sniper/long range combatant. He used his powers to help the guild where he could, but more often than not he got captured by the enemy and tortured in many various ways, which left scars on his physical body. Surprisingly he coped with the mental scars pretty well.

Still as a young vampire, he fell in love with a beautiful mortal woman. He had created a bond with her on a spiritual level he had not known was possible (granted that was the result of his supernatural nature and them exchanging their blood accidentally), he was at first scared of the fact that they could feel each other’s emotions and had to come forth to his partner as not being completely human. Yet Emalia took it in stride and accepted him for what he was, which Cornel was eternally grateful for.Their wedding was the most joyous thing in his life, right after the birth of his daughter, Caitlin. Few months after that he picked on work yet again, this time he decided for a more docile one, since he had a family to take care of.

Yet as it was in life - when there are good things, bad ones are right behind the corner. One night when he had stayed longer in town working on a wooden piece for one of his clients his world turned upside down. He had found his family murdered in their own home, his heart breaking in half at the sight. Not to mention the chest ache from the bond breaking didn’t help any. 

After burying them and still stricken with grief he made it his personal mission to hunt down those that killed his immediate family, since that was the only one he had in this world. But oh, if it ended there. He found the two hunters of course, but the newfound bloodlust that dulled the pain he felt, the surge of power with the amount of blood he consumed….it didn’t end well for the city of Venice, near which he had lived. 

The bloodshed that he had caused took around five vampires to stop. Only when he was face down on the flagstones, tears running down his cheeks from the amount of pain he was feeling and seeing what he had caused made him sober up. That was the day he met his best friend Leoric - not without a nice little story to exchange between themselves now as they recalled the old days, the poor two thousand year old vampire of a viking had a scar to prove their first meeting made by none other than yours truly.

After that incident with Leoric keeping a close eye on the young pureblood, Cornelius had moved out of his home country, not being able to stay because of the memories and more importantly hunters that were hot on his tail. Few attempts were made at his life during his stay in Italy by the aforementioned group, scarring the otherwise perfect skin around his heart and a thin line across his throat.  Finding a  nice spot in the UK, a few hours away from London and near a small village Ibberton, Cornel started on building his dream home in the middle of a clearing. Not even realizing how but had built himself a sizable mansion.

🩸 Adulthood - WW I & after

The world wars rolled in. Cornel felt obliged to answer the call to arms and yet there was more imminent war than the one between the humans. His own race was warring against the werewolves all the while archduke was assassinated in Sarajevo. It was not a big battle, a skirmish at most a couple of hundred of kilometers away from his own home, yet Cornelius was not left unscathed. 

Up until that point he was making his fortune in tracking people and even killing them if the contract required it off him, however, after he returned home from the vampire-werewolf war he had to put that kind of job on hold. He prided himself on being a good strategist, on observing and using the information the best he could, yet it is completely different to do so on the battlefield. One second of not paying attention and he ended with a spear coated in werewolf’s blood through his left knee. 

Even after years or healing, of drinking antidote for months after the battle, he was left with a limp. Relieving him of duties towards the United Kingdom in the upcoming wars. With the time that suddenly appeared in his hands he started to seek different hobbies (not sure how tracking and killing people could be a hobby but to each their own). Leoric, who was always somewhere around his old time friend suggested to take up cooking, since he himself was baking and found enjoyment in it. Few tries later and the vampire sacrificed sleep in attempt to perfect his skills in the kitchen.

By the end of the twentieth century, he was a skilled chef that would give Gordon a run for his money and since there really was no better time than to start his own business than after the world wars he did that. Funding the rent of a place in Ibberton, he founded Assaggia la Storia, an Italian restaurant keeping true to his family roots.

Granted there are many stories and little tidbits that occurred in vampire’s life - be it how other vampires flocked to him or how he actually managed to lay claim to his family heirloom back in Italy. Yet these are the ones that marked his life the most, making an impact on how he is now. The rest are for you to discover through mutual interaction.

Updated: 18th August 2021

[sinnhelmingr]

What is Hel’s relationship like with her siblings? What does she miss most about them? What does she dislike? // @eynsavalow

For the most part I would say Hel’s relationship among her brothers is... good? Good. There’s no interpersonal problems, even if she does struggle with the circumstances surrounding her relationships with them. Hel is her own worst enemy, and the impediment between herself and bonding with others, after all.

Also for the sake of this ask I’m just covering the myth-canonical, usually panfandom brothers rather than any oc or setting-specific siblings. I adore all the fankids, ocs, and fandom-specific children of Loki, but I am also terrified of forgetting anyone and making people feel bad so I’m just covering the main squad of Sleipnir, Fenrir, Jormungandr, Vali, and Nar(v/f)i. Just assume Hel loves any siblings outside of these five even if she’s an awkward sort of reserved sibling at times.

(This is so long. This is so very long. Abandon hope all ye who click read more.)

In my lore, Hel is the youngest of Loki’s children with Angrboda, the baby of the bunch and only daughter. First was Fenrir, and then Jormungandr, and Hel grew up as their little tagalong and pestilence depending on the situation. 

Her relationship with Fenrir was always especially layered, fraught with sibling rivalry spiraling out of proud eldest son vs spoiled only daughter discord. They butted heads often once their personalities really took shape. They easily forgot how baby Hel had been rather attached to her oldest brother, and Fenrir in turn patient with ‘the baby,’ despite how she pulled his fur a little when toddling alongside him. Hel would spite Fenrir, or he would tease her, and within minutes their parents often had to pull the two apart before it turned into a brawl. The pair warmed to one another slightly upon moving to Asgard in their youth, united as outsiders against the majority, but still had a certain antagonism towards one another. Over time, the pair showed signs of getting over it and instead using their barbs more softly, evolving into a form of affection than actual meanness.

This development was blighted, however, upon their casting out and separation. Hel never knew what became of Fenrir until adulthood, and found him bound and mad. She’s not sought him out since, unable to face what he became. She’s long since learned to miss that however much her brother teased her, he was always looking out for her, always protecting her from others. She doesn’t, however, miss the antagonism they unleashed upon one another just for something to do, even if she laments never knowing how they might have gotten over it.

Jormungandr is the full sibling that Hel was closest to in her childhood, as both were more mild-mannered compared to the boisterous wolf cub.  Their relationship is encapsulated by the image of a young Hel sitting with a borrowed book, ‘Jori’ twining around her and following along as she sounded out the words for him. He was a constant companion, confidant, and best friend in her youth. The two especially came to rely upon one another in Asgard, where the two would find quiet places for cuddling and comfort. The thoughtful Jori often proved a voice of reason for his more rambunctious kid sister, and Hel in turn proved capable of calming the serpent during bouts of anxiety. The two were as close as siblings could be, and many of Hel’s happiest memories involve her older brother.

It’s facts like that which make Jormungandr’s loss cut Hel so deeply. Jormungandr was the first cast out, and Hel had to watch his final descent, unable to move or even react in the moment. Despite repeat attempts to call out to him, standing along coastlines and seeking some clue as to where she might find him in the depths, he appears either incapable or unwilling to have a reunion throughout most of history. She misses the easy affinity she had with him, how they simply clicked, and knows if they had maintained contact then their burdens might have been easier to bear. She’s reluctant to admit it, but she’s somewhat grateful she doesn’t have to be a personal heater half the year these days.

Now we get into the matter of her half-siblings: Sleipnir, an older brother, and Vali and Narvi, her younger brothers. Hel has regular contact with all of them, some more closely than others, but she still clings to them and would protect them from anything -- a task she already ‘failed at’ in her own mind in two cases.

Sleipnir was a later development of Hel’s youth. She always knew Loki had another child somewhere, but never had a chance to meet him until the move. As a horse girl and a baby sister, she was positively thrilled to meet her brother the horse. She would fritter away hours in the stables, chatting to the steed and tending to his hair, sneaking him snacks that he enjoyed while he offered affectionate nuzzles and a sympathetic ear. He was the first sibling she reunited with after her exile, and on her first return visit to Asgard found herself sobbing and clinging to his neck, ashamed at her own weakness but desperately needing to hold on to the one family she had left. While both are chained to Odin, they are both alive and able to traverse realms, which puts them in a better situation than their brothers. Hel often sneaks away from events in her uncle’s hall to spend time with Sleipnir, who does not mind the company and makes a perfect excuse to dip out of such events. He loves enabling these moments where his sister is more a person than a queen, to be honest.

Their relationship is great, and unburdened by Hel’s crushing sense of guilt about the rest of her family. They simply hang out from time to time and have maintained a healthy, mutual love and respect for one another. Hel admires Sleipnir’s resilience and mischievous streak, which has been apparent since the day she met him. She just wishes he wouldn’t still treat her like a delicate child now that she’s a grown woman, but he’s still just as tender and gentle as he was at the start.

Vali and Narvi probably have the most complicated dynamic with Hel, and that’s coming from her end rather than theirs. It’s very hard to talk about the two as anything but a single entity given Hel’s role in their lives and eventual afterlives. Hel had precious little opportunity (in my personal, non-partner driven lore) to meet the two growing up, and only knew of their existence through Odin’s manipulations. Her uncle presented it as Loki having moved on and had non-monstrous children with his second wife, a fact that Hel rejoiced in. If Sigyn’s sons were not monsters, she thought they could not be hurt as Angrboda’s children had been. 

She was wrong, of course, as the Aesir’s revenge against Loki proved. One brother died that day, and the agent of such tragedy followed soon after. Both boys passsed into Hel’s hall, dying vaingloriously or as a kinslayer respectively, and she mourned them. More than that, she has always considered it her fault the boys died, reasoning if she had put aside her own need for revenge and spared Baldr that Odin might have spared Loki’s sons in turn. Still, she took the pair in, made them princes of her realm, raised and loved them as she thought Sigyn might. Her relationship with them is somewhat detached given her own guilt, but they want for nothing and the boys know if they need her, Hel will always there for them. Even if she can’t understand it herself, they love her deeply, and she’s named them her heirs in the event anything should prevent her from ruling her realm. They are her brothers, true, but she’s brought them up as her own, seen them grow into fine men who are far better adjusted to their tragedy than Hel is with her own. In turn, they bring some brightness to her life, trying to win smiles from their dour, reserved sister.

[skyfirewolf]

Edward Stevens: facts

After the suicide of his uncle and guardian Peter Lytton, James Hamilton went off to train with an elderly carpenter and his younger brother, Alexander Hamilton, was whisked off to the King Street home of Thomas Stevens, a well-respected merchant and his wife, Ann. Of the five children born to the married couple, Edward born a year before Alexander became his closest friend, "an intimate acquaintance begun in early youth," as Hamilton described their relationship. As they both matured, the often seemed to display parallel personalities: both were quick and clever, disciplined and persevering, fluent in French, versed in classical history, held the same morals and were interested in medicine. In later years, Edward reminded Alexander of "those vows of eternal friendship, which we have so often mutually exchanged," he often fretted about his friend's delicate health.

Their physical appearance was close. Thirty years later, when Timothy Pickering, then secretary of state, first set eyes on Edward Stevens, he was torn by their resemblance. "At first glance, I was struck with the extraordinary similitude of his and General Hamilton's faces��I thought they must be brothers." Pickering confided with shock to Edward's brother-in-law, James Yard of St. Croix only to be told that this remark was said many times before. Pickering even concluded to himself that they were in fact brothers and Hamilton was an illegitimate child of "Stevens".

Edward Stevens also went to Kings College and years before Hamilton. November 11th, 1769 is Hamilton's oldest letter surviving in his pen–the recipient was Stevens. Arriving in New York 1773, the only person he knew was Stevens. In his first months at King's, he and a friend, Robert Troup, formed a club that gathered weekly to hone debating, writing and speaking skills. Stevens was one of the members.

While married to Elizabeth Schuyler, Edward Stevens became "the guardian angel" of the household and he appeared at providential moments and tended to Eliza reassuring her she was in no danger at times of illness. During the yellow fever epidemic in 1793, Edward Seven turned up Philadelphia and attended to both Alexander and Eliza when they both contracted the disease. He treated with bark, wine, and cold baths, a regimen that stirred some controversy since Stevens scorned the bloodletting treatment advocated by most doctors including Rush. Upon his recovery, Hamilton became an advocate for Stevens's method.

(Text above is credited to sonofhistory)

- He cured Eliza and Alexander of the fever within five days

- Stevens graduated from King's College in 1774 and then sailed to Britain to study Medicine at the University of Edinburgh

- He gained his doctorate (M.D.) on September 12, 1777

- Stevens' dissertation on gastric digestion was entitled "De alimentorum concoction"

- Based on this work, he was the first researcher to isolate human gastric juices

- His work confirmed that of René Antoine Ferchault de Réaumur, who showed the digestive power of gastric juices, and helped dispel earlier theories of digestion

- Stevens's work on digestion would influence Lazzaro Spallanzani

- On January 20, 1776, Stevens was admitted to the university's Royal Medical Society

- He served as the Society's president for the academic year 1779/1780. Stevens remained in Edinburgh until 1783 and was one of the joint founders of the Royal Society of Edinburgh in that year

- Stevens returned to St. Croix in 1783. He worked there as a physician for ten years

- He maintained his friendship with Hamilton through correspondence

- In adulthood, Hamilton tended to shun his turbulent adolescence, and Stevens was the only person from his childhood, including even his closest living family members, with whom he kept in regular contact

- Following the death of his wife, Eleanora, in 1792, Stevens decided to move to North America

- Stevens had considered a move to Guyana, but William Thornton urged him to choose the United States

- Also in 1792, Stevens married Hester Kortright Amory. Stevens ended his ten years of practicing medicine in the Caribbean and moved to Philadelphia in 1793

- (A/N" so he was widowed one year and married that same year, good job Ned)

- While in Philadelphia, he engaged in a controversy with Benjamin Rush on methods for treating an outbreak of yellow fever

- Stevens was admitted to the American Philosophical Society on April 18, 1794. Stevens's work in digestion may have influenced other researchers in Philadelphia, notably John Richardson Young

- In 1795, Stevens was appointed as a professor at King's College

- Stevens served as the United States consul-general in Saint-Domingue (later Haiti) from 1799 to 1800

- Stevens's title, "consul", suggested a diplomat attached to a country not a colony, reflecting the administrations view of the Haitian situation

- Following his arrival in Haiti in April 1799, Stevens succeeded in accomplishing several of his objectives, including: the suppression of privateers operating out of the colony, protections for American lives and property, and right of entry for American vessels

- Stevens pushed for similar privileges for the British, who, like the United States, were engaged in war with France

- Negotiations between Haiti and Britain were difficult given Haiti's fears of Britain's desire to take control of the colony, and Britain's fears of the Haitian slave revolt spreading to its own Caribbean colonies. In fact, Stevens had to serve as the British agent for a time since Haitian troops feared having a British official in the colony

- Little is known of Stevens's last years. For two and a half months in 1809-10, during the British occupation of the Danish West Indies, Stevens served as President of St. Croix. He corresponded with David Hosack, including a letter introducing his son in 1823

- He outlived Hamilton by thirty years

- He also referred to Hamilton as "My Dr. Ham"

- Meanwhile, Hamilton called Edward "Ned" and "Neddy" and often reffered to him as his "particular friend"

- "Throughout the remainder of 1803 Stevens attended the American Philosophical Society regularly. He is recorded as being present on October 7, October 21, November 4, November 18. In 1804 he attended on February 17 and February 24. A minute on August 17 of that year is confusing. Apparently he donated two volumes of books, but the precise readings of the Minutes is unclear. The description is "Steven's Wars. 2 Vols". Thereafter Stevens never attended again. It will be recalled that in 1804 Alexander Hamilton died in a duel with Burr, and possible then, or later Stevens retired to St Croix. David Hossack wrote to him in St. Croix in a letter dated September 20th, 1809, from New York, so by that year, certainly, Stevens had left the United States."

— Edward Stevens: Gastric physiologist, physician and American statesman

(Ned must have been significantly distressed by Hamilton's death and perhaps even moved back to St Croix because of this)

Some letters between Ned and Alexander:

"I have written you so repeatedly since my Arrival in Scotland, without having ever received an Answer... I am perfectly at a Loss I assure you, my Dr: Hamilton, to account for your Silence. I have written you frequently, and, as I know that you was at a Distance from New York, enclosed your Letters to some of our common Friends in that City, and requested them to transmit them to you. But I have not been able to collect the least Intelligence concerning you from any Quarter..."

—To Alexander Hamilton from Edward Stevens, 23 December 1777

"Who could have imagined my friend that a man of your greatness, of your delicacy of constitution, and of your tranquility, would have shone so much, and in a short space of time, in the Champ de Mars, that you did it? I assure you, my Colonel, that I have tormented myself a great deal about your health, which has always been very dear to me since the beginning of our acquaintance. I do not know how you can sustain the hardships and fatigues of a winter campaign in America. Surely your constitution would never have sustained such severity without the assistance of something very extraordinary."

— To Alexander Hamilton from Edward Stevens, 1778

"Dear Edward

This just serves to acknowledge receipt of yoursper Cap Lowndeswhich was delivered me Yesterday. The truth of Cap Lightbourn & Lowndes information is now verifyd by the Presence of your Father and Sister for whose safe arrival I Pray, and that they may convey that Satisfaction to your Soul that must naturally flow from the sight of Absent Friends in health, and shall for news this way refer you to them. As to what you say respecting your having soon the happiness of seeing us all, I wish, for an accomplishment of your hopes provided they are Concomitant with your welfare, otherwise not, tho doubt whether I shall be Present or not for to confess my weakness, Ned, my Ambition is prevalent that I contemn the grov'ling and condition of a Clerk or the like, to which my Fortune &c. condemns me and would willingly risk my life tho' not my Character to exalt my Station. Im confident, Ned that my Youth excludes me from any hopes of immediate Preferment nor do I desire it, but I mean to prepare the way for futurity. Im no Philosopher you see and may be jusly said to Build Castles in the Air. My Folly makes me ashamd and beg youll Conceal it, yet Neddy we have seen such Schemes successfull when the Projector is Constant I shall Conclude saying I wish there was a War.

. . .

PS I this moment receivd yoursby William Smith and am pleasd to see you Give such Close Application to Study."

- Alexander Hamilton to Edward Stevens, St Croix, November 11th, 1769

(Alex, hon, GET YOUR GRAMMAR TOGETHER MY BOY)

[thefloatingstone]

Y'know what? Give us the long answer. Have fun with it. Go wild.

The full title of the show is “Revolutionary Girl Utena”. It has 39 episodes and was released in 1997. The series director, Kunihiko Ikuhara, previously worked on the anime version of Sailor Moon, and was the main force behind turning Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune from simple team partners into a romantic lesbian couple, turning Sailor Uranus from an androgynous person who changed gender at will into a masculine lesbian, and Sailor Neptune from a borderline “background character” into a character in her own right, motivated by her romance with Sailor Uranus.

Revolutionary Girl Utena was originally an idea to have a Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune spin-off show until somebody told Ikuhara that the story he wanted to tell wouldn’t make sense with those characters. Instead, he decided to make the Utena anime. The anime IS based on a manga which had not yet concluded at the time of the anime’s creation, but the anime deviates from its source material in the extremes.

SO! Revolutionary Girl Utena!!

I am going to answer “What is it about?” with 2 answers because both are true but just giving you the plot summary doesn’t actually tell you shit about what the show is….about.

Answer 1:

We open with what appears to be a fairy tale. Long ago, there was a young princess whose parents had recently died and she was very sad. One day, a beautiful prince smelling of roses came to her, and told her “Beautiful princess who holds up alone in such sadness, never lose that nobility even when you are grown”. He then gives her a ring with a rose crest on it and promises they’ll meet again. The fairy story ends with “That’s all well and good, but so impressed was she by him that she decided to become a prince too. But was that really such a good idea?”

The story follows 14 year old Tenjou Utena. She attends the prestigious Ohtori Academy with her best friend, the rather unremarkable Wakaba. (Basically think the “Magical Girl Trope” of Sailor Moon and her “best friend” character Naru. Utena is doing the trope on purpose). Utena says she enrolled in the school because it has the same rose crest as its symbol as the ring she has, which was given to her by “a prince” long ago, and she hopes to meet him again one day.

Utena is admired by practically every person in school, both girls AND boys. The boys admire her as a very talented athlete, specializing in basketball and playing on the boy’s team, and the girls admire her because she’s a girl who comes to school wearing the boys’ uniform (even though it doesn’t resemble any of the boys’ uniforms), refers to herself with the male “Boku” rather than the feminine “Watashi” and for her self confidence and energetic and positive personality, as well as her disregard for authority figures (like the teacher who confronts her for wearing “inappropriate” clothing, pointing out that the student rule book only says students have to wear the inform. Not that they have to wear the specific gendered uniform)

The story follows Utena, as she accidentally, while trying to defend her best friend Wakaba, getting involved in a “game” which involves the 4 members of the school’s student council, Juri, Saionji, Miki and the council president, Touga. The game involves a mysterious dueling arena in the middle of the forest which can only be accessed by people who have a rose crest ring, that looks exactly like Utena’s childhood ring. There, they duel in sword fights as an upside down figment of a castle looms over them. The winner of a duel becomes “engaged” to the female student, “Anthy Himemiya” who is called “The Rose Bride”. The Rose Bride gives her current fiance the power to use “The Sword of Dios” which she pulls from her chest, and the duelists believe that the one who is engaged to the rose bride can eventually enter the castle in the sky, wherein lies the power to revolutionise the world. Each member of the Student council believes this to be something completely different, each one of them thinking it will change their current situation in the real world into one they wish. One believes the castle contains the ability to create “True Friendship”, another “The ability to create miracles” another “A return to purity” etc etc.

Utena, who wins the duel in the first episode and ends up accidentally engaged to Anthy, has no interest in the castle or the rose bride or any of this dueling stuff. But she sees Anthy as a girl in distress, played around with and handed back and forth between people to use, and so Utena decides to, effectively, become Anthy’s “Prince Charming” to rescue the fair maiden in distress. Anthy is a very demure, introverted, and ultimately strange girl. She and Utena share a dorm together as is apparently Utena’s right as her “fiance”, and Utena starts building a friendship with Anthy, as well as learning what all these duels actually are, what is inside the castle, what IS the “power to revolutionise the world” and how she can save Anthy from this twisted game.

So…. that’s what the STORY of Utena is about…. but that has nothing to do with what Utena’s about…

Answer 2:

Utena is, at its core, about MANY strong themes, but to pick one out to talk about first, it’s about the human psyche. And I know that sounds like pretentious garbage but hear me out;

Utena is about how human  beings will trap themselves in their own destructive behaviours, constantly going round and round and round about something they can’t change in their life and their desire to change the OUTSIDE world to fulfill something that has gone wrong on the INSIDE of them. Every character believes the world to be a certain way, and what they believe the world is like means they can never achieve happiness or what they truly want, but none of the characters realise the ONLY way for them to be happy, TRULY happy, is in fact to let go of the desires and hang ups and psychological barriers that are keeping them trapped in unhappiness.

Utena is a 39 episode show talking in extensive detail “This is why you’re so fucked up”. And it pulls NO punches. Dealing with subjects like abuse, incest, rape, manipulation, sexual awakening, homosexuality, unrequited feelings, projecting your wants and desires onto other people, the list goes on.

The OTHER major theme of Utena is, and again I am not being pretentious here, this is what the show is about, the oppression of not only women, but of toxic beliefs surrounding what women’s roles in life “should” be, and how society as a whole uses this oppression and, frankly, abuse, to further people’s own desires and wants, and how society and those most toxic parts of it, try and break and bend women’s empowerment into something “more desirable” with complete disregard for how women in question actually FEEL about this supposed “place” they should be filling. It draws strong parallels between personal, one on one abuse, and a larger problem with women’s treatment of society as a whole.

And the OTHER other major theme of Utena, is sexuality as a whole. Not just Utena’s but literally every single character. The show is about sexual awakening (which is why the main characters are 14 but look older) and all the psychological hang-ups that comes with it, and how it shapes your opinion of the world and, in turn, how the world tries its best to shape YOU into something it WANTS you to be, rather than what you are. Female sexuality, Lesbian sexuality, Bisexuality, Sexual repulsion, Sex used as a weapon to control others, Sex as a metaphor for adulthood. Utena is an entire thesis on human sexuality, the form it takes in different individuals, the freedom it offers, as well as how predators use sexual attraction in terrible terrible ways to control others through manipulation, adoration, or domination.

The show is about trauma, both personal as well as on a societal level. it’s about abuse. It’s about what abuse turns people into. It’s about shutting off who you really are so tightly that NOBODY is able to pull it out. It’s about how being naive and “pure” is incredibly damaging, both to yourself and those you care about. It’s about confronting reality. It’s about confronting the adult world. It’s about breaking cycles. Both the ones we keep ourselves in which are self destructive, as well as the ones caused by abuse.

The OTHER thing Utena is about is “Speaking all of its plot, character motivations, themes, and story in metaphor so thick you need to be a psychology student to figure out half of this shit”

The first time I watched the show, I didn’t understand the ending AT ALL. And it took scouring the MANY essays written by people smarter than me on https://ohtori.nu/analysis/introduction.html for me to not only fully grasp what the ending was trying to say, but also literally 60% of the show which went completely over my head because I was 22 and a lot of the more adult themes was something I just didn’t pick up on, or fell into a complete trap with, thinking the same as the overly naive Utena, rather than understanding the reality of the situations and story.

My favourite scene to use as an example is in episode 5, where Miki runs into his twin sister Kozue in the school’s music room.

Miki had just finished telling Utena how he and his sister Kozue use to play the piano together, but something happened and Kozue refuses to play the piano with him any more. He and Kozue use to be very close in many ways, but these days Kozue has greatly distanced herself from him, and is very obviously slutting around the school, something Miki is disgusted in. It makes him want to distance himself from her all the more while also enraging him on a personal level. He has discovered, however, that Anthy (the Rose Bride) is very talented at playing the piano, and he hears in her playing something he feels he’s lost with his sister. Something calm and innocent which is no longer there between him and his twin. And he falls in love with Anthy.

He runs into Kozue as he goes to play the piano. He bumps into her unexpectedly. Her shirt is unbuttoned, her necktie undone, and she visibly adjusts her skirt. Inside the music room we see Touga, notorious school playboy, leaning idly against the windowsill, his own shirt unbuttoned.

Miki enters the room because he was intending to play the piano. Then THIS conversation happens;

This is one of the more obvious ones. But in case it wasn’t clear;

Neither of them are talking about playing the piano.

So take what I just told you about this situation… Read that info again…. THEN look at what they’re saying to each other… THEN look at how the show has chosen to place its camera angles.

Miki and his sister Kozue use to be very close, but have grown distant due to some event (which Miki says involves playing the piano. But that’s what Miki says). Miki yearns for when he and his sister use to be very close. a… “More innocent and pure” time… His sister has apparently completely embraced her sexuality, whereas Miki obviously sees her openly being slutty as extremely enraging and something he finds repulsive. He sees Anthy has in her the “purity and innocence” he lost with his sister. He falls in love with Anthy.

He runs into Kozue. She gives him…. THAT look. Up close and personal. When Miki speaks to her first, the camera ZOOMS back. Far away. a Great distance. Kozue asks him “Are you here to get me to play again?” She says, pointedly adjusting her skirt as she does so. She’s framed as towering over him. “I don’t have any more hope for you.” Miki dismisses her, as her presence looms over him.

They use to “play” together before they became distant. Kozue teases him about how he must miss playing with her. He scoffs. He’s no longer interested in her. They’re not talking about pianos.

Every single scene, exchange of dialogue, ever camera angle, every pose, every micro expression, every character’s body language, every bizarre visual or item that seems out of place in every shot… EVERYTHING in this show is a metaphor, or a hint, or a double meaning, or talking about something completely different than what they’re talking about.

Every second of this show is like this. If you wanna watch it… you’re gonna have to pay attention. Idly just letting it play while you take in the pretty visuals, and you’re not gonna understand one moment of what’s really being said, or shown.

And finally, everything that Utena is about, is in its intro’s lyrics. In fact the intro’s visuals all actually give away the entire story. But you know what? I can TELL you that because it is so heavy in symbolism and double meaning that even if I tell you that STRAIGHT OUT… you’re not gonna be able to understand what the hell it means until you reach the final episode.

Lets live with good grace and style.(just a long long time)Even if the two of us are ever torn apart…(let go of me)Take my revolution

In a sunlit schoolyard (garden), We took each other by the handDrawing close for comfort, we both swore:Never again would we ever fall in love.(Every time)

In that photograph of us, standing cheek-to-cheek,A touch of loneliness fills our smiling faces. (Revolution)

Even though we dream, even though we cry, even though we hurt ourselves, Reality keeps on approaching frantically,

I want to find my place, the worth of my existenceThe person I’ve been until nowAnd find the strength to throw it all away. Strip down to nothing at all.Become like rose petals blowing free

Even if the two of us are ever torn apartI swear to you, I will change the world.

[nightglider124]

RobStar Week 2019: Day 6

Children

Tingles spread across the planes of her skin, the orange hue seemingly becoming brighter under the gaze of the sunshine, bathing the entire park and everything in its path within a summery glow. 

She sighed, feeling a calmness rock through her as she let the sun beat down on her, making no effort to scurry and hide from its heat like some humans did. The solar energy was like ambrosia for her; filling her with life and strength.

Starfire had had a close knit relationship with the sunlight for as long as she could remember, since it played such a role in making her who she was. 

The corners of her lips lifted upward as she leaned her head back, not wanting to miss a moment of the golden rays from above. 

Chuckling was what brought her out of her relaxed haze, fire flaring wherever the light touched her. Her jade eyes snapped open and she turned to look beside her.

Robin grinned and shook his head, “Sorry, did I interrupt you?” 

A blush leaked across her face, the pink visible even under the intense sunlight. She cleared her throat and smiled, “You know I like to make the most of it when we receive such wonderful weather.”

“I do… didn’t realize I’d get replaced for the sun so quickly though.”

Starfire giggled, “You could never be replaced.”

“Good to hear it.” He smirked, grabbing the sandwiches out of the wicker basket they’d brought with them on this rather impromptu outing.

He handed her one which she graciously accepted, nibbling the edges and smiling as the taste washed over her tongue, “Mmm… this was a very good idea, my love.”

Robin shrugged, “Well… like you said… it’s never usually this sunny out and I know I’ve been busy with case work lately. I thought it’d be nice for us to spend some time together.”

She gazed at him, the thumping of her heart increasing as she regarded him and his thoughtfulness, “It is glorious.”

Watching as he took a hearty bite of his own sandwich, her eyes stayed on him as he too, allowed himself to unwind for once. Robin stretched his legs out in front of him before half leaning back on his elbows. 

As a light breeze passed through and carried the promise of further warmth during the summer, Starfire felt a buzzing in her chest; a joyful sensation which ran along the same lines as utter bliss and content. She felt happy; with Robin at her side and sitting beneath the gift of sunlight, she was always at her most euphoric.

Smiling, she scanned the park from where she sat cross legged on the red and white picnic blanket they were situated upon. 

Trees swayed with the occasional breath of wind that swept the tokens of nature up in its arms; bringing renewed life to every blade of grass and every branch that extended from the trees. 

The park was alive with people laughing and talking; joggers and cyclists passing through wearing a look of repletion. Families were enjoying themselves; sitting identical to the couple themselves; on a blanket and bonding over the sharing of picnic food.

In the air, Starfire could smell the unmistakable aroma of barbecued food from somewhere nearby; ribs or burgers, she wasn’t sure but she was certain if Cyborg were here instead of Titans East for the weekend, he would have hunted the cook down and begged for a share.

She looked to her left, admiring the way the sunlight glimmered and bounced off of the ripples of the lake; the true blue of the water silently urging her to dive in but she resisted the temptation; not wanting to disturb the swans and geese that were floating around, looking for bread from public hands.

A twinkling sound was heard in the distance and something told her it was one of those trucks of ice creams that tended to make the rounds of local communal areas during the hotter months on Earth.

The Princess glanced to her right, facial features softening whilst her smile only broadened.

High pitched squeals of laughter bubbled up from a certain section of the park. Small, excitable children clambered up the brightly colored equipment as they played and explored the world around them that was oh so big. 

Starfire focused on the little ones that appeared to be in their own little worlds, using their endless imaginations to entertain not only themselves but parents around them and other civilians that passed them by. 

They were so adorable and so pure and free from burdens or concerns. It was almost cruel that the mind and carefree nature of children couldn’t carry through to adulthood as much as it should be allowed to.

She watched them, contemplating how utterly joyful they were; happy to simply play and run and revel in apparent freedom.

Starfire found herself considering the tiny children not so far from where she sat, the smile on her face fading, the more her mind decided to dwell on memories and thoughts.

There was a ball of envy that formed in her chest; one that was simultaneously tangled with relief that she couldn’t quite make sense of. She watched them playing and enjoying the lives that were their own, glad that young children could have such a level of freedom… but, a part of her felt jealous or more so… saddened that she couldn’t have what they did. 

Whilst she basked in the sunlight that shone down amongst them all and gave a spark to the raw energy inside of her, she couldn’t help but recollect on the childhood she had experienced; a key part in her intimacy with the rays of light. 

All the horror, all the abuse and all of the loneliness and betrayal that were laced within the fabric of her younger years seeped to the forefront of her mind as she gazed at the exuberant children just across the field from her.

There was an ache in her heart; a sense of longing to have had even a taste of what these children had. 

But, relief filtered in too. There was a fierce protectiveness that burned inside of her; to make sure that no child ever experienced anything close to what she had, if she could help it. There was relief that these children before her would never know such a life that she had known. 

Robin had been studying the myriad of emotions that seemed to flicker across his girlfriend’s face, remaining silent as she let something tick over in her mind. After a few moments however, seeing the way the light of her smile seemed to evaporate, did he sit up  and shuffle closer to her,

“Star?” 

She merely blinked, refusing to remove her gaze from the group of kids sweeping down the slide, throwing themselves back and forth on the swings and leaping from monkey bar to monkey bar; the rush of feeling invincible, coursing through each and every one of them.

A sad smile replaced the one she’d worn and her voice was quiet as she spoke, “They are so happy… so carefree… I cannot imagine any of them know of the true horrors that exist in the world…”

His brows furrowed together in concern and he shifted so that he sat even closer. He took one of the hands in her lap, lacing their fingers together,

“Tell me what’s going through that mind of yours, Star.”

She slowly looked back at him, her long red hair gently flowing in the breeze that picked it up. Her eyes held unshed tears and the sad smile stayed,

“I was just… thinking of the past. I am so thankful that… children like these ones will hopefully never know pain… like we have…” She paused and took a shuddering breath, “But I cannot help but envy them… wish that…”

Robin swallowed, taking her other hand and sitting directly before her. Her eyes met his masked gaze, knowing where the blue orbs behind the material were. 

He matched her smile, “I know...  I’ve had the same kind of thoughts here and there over the years too.” Robin paused and shook his head, “But it won’t change anything… the past is the past. We’re not there anymore.”

She nodded, blinking back the tears that were threatening to spill over and trickle down her cheeks, “Forgive me… I just…”

“Don’t. I think all of us have probably thought about… what if and if we’d have been more like those kids… not having to go through the stuff we did…”

Starfire smiled and squeezed his hands, the bright and upbeat shimmer returning to her eyes, “I suppose… there is the silver lining… had we not gone through such things… none of us would have ever met one another.”

Robin’s lips curved upwards and he gently brought one hand to her cheek, running his fingers along her jawline until he found her chin, angling her head to meet him for a kiss. He pressed his lips to hers; a chaste show of affection that wasn’t too much to be seen as indecent by others within the park.

He pulled away and rested his forehead against hers, “Exactly… there’s positives even in tragedies.”

She shifted, leaning closer and throwing her arms around his shoulders to embrace him, “I love you, Robin.”

The boy wonder nuzzled his face against her shoulder and let his arms fall around her waist, rubbing his thumb in circles against her spine, “I love you too, Star.”

She deeply inhaled, reveling in the familiarity of his scent; one that brought her comfort and an eternal sense of safety. 

Despite the memories of her childhood that still haunted the darkest corners of her mind, she knew that Robin was right. She didn’t have to dwell on such atrocities anymore. 

She was safe and she had him and her friends and that was all that mattered to her nowadays. 

The past was the past; the things that happened may have made her who she was now, but the past didn’t and never would define who she was.

[bae-leth]

Oh wow that’s a really detailed dream? I enjoyed reading about it! I’m thinking that Lorenz has more of a playful rivalry with Claude than an actual hatred, since FE Facebook talks of him, Dedue and Hubert all being loyal to their lords, but it’d be interesting if he turned on him later on in the story.

(I had only one 3H dream since that last anon, and in mine all that happened was that Claude and Dimitri had a shouting match. I don’t even remember what it was about. le sigh.)

About headcanons - I think I’ll expand a bit on the students we already know, more than the students we don’t. As much as I want to talk about Lysithea, Marianne etc, there’s literally nothing to glean tidbits from, so I’ll hold off from headcanons until we learn something, at least.

…I predict that most of these will end up being friendship-related anyway, haha. Headcanons under the read more:

Edelgard:

- A perfectionist, excelling in all her studies/training/etc from a young age.

- However this led to other people looking up to her, rather than seeing her as an equal - this led to some loneliness growing up.

- She wanted proper friends, not just people who saw her solely as a prospective ruler, but eh. What can you do when you have an certain image to cultivate?

- (spoilers: friendships attained at the monastery later on, and this secretly makes her very happy)

- Edel always looked like a hard person to approach, but really she was just a kind soul underneath

- Siblings: I keep thinking that she might have a half-sibling who tries to usurp her position as heir apparent midway through the game lmao. Other than that though, she seems like the only-child type to me.

- Kids want to BE her, because she’s super cool. This makes Edelgard super mushy inside (she’ll try to deny it), so she has a soft spot for the kids that run up to her in excitement whenever she travels around the Empire

Dimitri:

- I wonder what his tinge of darkness is? Intsys might go for the standard ‘he is forced to follow his bloodthirsty father in committing atrocities in the name of the Church’

- Or perhaps he witnesses something horrific as a child, and is powerless to stop it, leading to immense guilt up to adulthood?

- Or maybe it’s an inherent character trait. Maybe Dimitri was the villain all along 😔 and childhood circumstances exacerbated this villainy.

- Apart from theorising about his darkness, I headcanon that he was a bit of a wild child who mellowed out when he got older and attained more responsibilities. A bit like BotW Link, but more outwardly cheerful/expressive. Chivalrous from the very beginning. A good boi

- I still reeeeally want him and Ingrid to be siblings… If this is the case, then you can bet all your money that Ingrid had the best puppy face as a kid, and got away with everything. Dimitri was blamed for eeeeverything, and Ingrid still teases him about it now

- (they’re the ultimate power-siblings tho. Could kill you easily)

Claude:

- Has a few little sisters - THAT’S how he became so sneaky, lmao

- Actually listened in on the council meetings when he was younger, while pretending that he found them boring. He gained a good grasp of the politics of Fodlan from a young age as a result, and used this to his advantage to gain the upper hand in Alliance discussions (to the chagrin of his fellow nobles). He was always very sharp

- Always enjoyed winding up Dimitri as a kid, since the young prince got comically mad very easily. However, this became more difficult once Dimitri mellowed out and grew into a far milder young man. (Difficult, but not impossible…)

- Tried winding up Edelgard as a kid, too, before very quickly giving up. The heir to the Adrestian Empire knew how to use an axe VERY well from a VERY young age, and she wasn’t afraid to use it.

-Pulled a lot of pranks as a youngster, and still does now. Got away with it before because he was cute, gets away with it now because he’s charismatic (and HOt). Lorenz cries everytime, because he can’t get away with anything, apparently…

Hubert:

- Oh gosh, this man. He’s probably the first student at the monastery to go grey, he worries over Edelgard and the future of her position so much

- Has had the loyal retainer trope down to a T since, well, forever.

- He was always the best at giving Edelgard advice, making her tea, cheering her up etc, so much so that castle maids would ask him for pointers when they wanted to do the same.

Dorothea:

- We know that she’s looked up to Manuela for ages, but consider this: she has Manuela merch.

- And she isn’t afraid to show it.

- A painting of Manuela, beautiful and absolutely massive, hangs in her dorm room, and she refuses to take it down. (To be fair, it’s a beautiful painting)

- AHAHAH but honestly? We already know he accepting she is of everyone, no matter their class, so I’m certain she was the same with her fans at the opera house.

- She always treated them kindly, despite how tired she might have been after that particular performance.

- She managed to attain a stellar reputation as a result - people loooooooved her.

- So it’s a bit of a shock when she goes from the eccentric, lovable people who adore her and who she has connections with at the opera house to the snobby noble NPCs at the monastery, but she does what she’s always done, and kills them with kindness.

- And sass, accordingly.

- And her voice. (She probably has Chords of Steel ✊)

Ferdinand:

- His pride in his family's status has landed him a lot of dislike amongst the other noble families.

- Not that he ever cared, though; as long as his family were thriving, he could care less about what others say

- Diligent in his training since a young age. He has to be, in order to keep up with Edelgard

- ... even if she doesn't notice that he's trying to form a rivalry with her

- (oops)

Bernadetta:

- Spent all social occasions in her room, making no noise and pretending she didn’t exist.

- Depending on her parents’ attitudes, her shy nature either landed her sympathy or scorn. If they scorned her, this would explain why she prefers to practise her hobbies in the comfort of her own room.

- (It would also mean that I would leap into my switch to punch her parents herself)

- Felt much pressure to be conform to the typical self-assured noble role, which was a constant blow to her self esteem - especially because the ‘perfect’ noble, Edelgard, was right there, and easily comparable to her

- I’m pretty sure that she grows into her own throughout the course of the game, but since we’re talking about her past only, I can’t imagine that all the pressures of nobility would be good for her :(

Mercedes:

- MY GOOOOORL

- Why did she leave the Empire as a noble to settle as a commoner in the Kingdom?

- Methinks her family angered the nobles at court, and were forced to flee as a result. They didn’t agree with their methods/ideologies/etc, dared to speak out about it, and were threatened as a result

- It meant that Mercedes lost a lot of privilege and status as a result, but she didn’t mind. She could still heal others, and that was enough.

- She was initially lonely at the mage school before meeting Annette, although she was rather reluctant to admit it. However, the two of them soon became fast friends, and the rest is history

- (I headcanon that she only vaguely remembers Lorenz, which is a sucker punch to his ego lmao)

- Well-liked at court before her family’s fall to disgrace.

- Holds little ill-will towards those noble families that turned on her own - was only disturbed that they were that corrupt in the first place

Felix:

- He and Dimitri had a bit of a personality swap through the years.

- As children, Dimitri was the wild, reckless hooligan, while Felix was the one desperately trying to reign him in, for fear of losing the prince of Faerghus to some tragic accident (i.e. he tried taming a bear) under his watch

- As they grew older, Dimitri became more responsible. Felix, on the other hand, went 'fuck it’ and went absolutely ham. By this I mean that he starts his little challenging rituals

- which lands him in a lot of trouble, sometimes, because as it turns out, challenging a fifty year old senior knight at the tender age of fifteen doesn’t tend to turn out very well

- Dimitri ends up being the one to exasperatedly chase after him.

- Despite his 'lone wolf’ proclamations, the main reason Felix fights alone because he wants to look cool.

- The others (except Ashe) don’t buy this for a second. They haven’t done so in YEARS.

Dedue:

- Dimitri earned Dedue's respect ever since the prince defended one of his younger siblings from a drunkard in the marketplace

- As repayment, he offered to serve as a retainer for a period of time. Ended up being permanent, because his respect for Dimitri grew exponentially the more he spent time with him

- Green fingered. Probably worked wonders with the plants in his hometown.

- Dimitri once asked if he could tend to the palace gardens. Once Dedue realised that it was either him or Felix armed with a scythe, he quickly took up the offer.

- Since then, as well as being a retainer, Dedue often oversees the upkeep of the gardens. It's hard work, but he enjoys it. He makes sure to leave the plants in capable hands before the Blue Lions set off for the monastery

Ashe:

- Ok yes I know that we technically know nothing about Ashe either, but... my boy. I must headcanon him

- Ever since he joined the Blue Lions, Ashe had always been seen as the 'baby' of the group. The little brother. The one to look out for.

- It's just his face, y'know? Gotta protect that smile. Even Felix has a soft spot for him

- It exasperated Ashe to no end, because he KNEW he was capable enough to hold his own. He was just... short, okay??

- (His protests don't stop the rest of the Blue Lions affectionately doting on him. Currently, it's become a bit of a running gag between the members)

- Ashe, fists clenched: fight me!

- The rest of the Blue Lions, shaking their heads, drawing lances and mouthing softly: do not

- They all know he's capable, really, but it's always been funny to wind him up like this, so they all continue to do so.

- Everyone else knows that fighting Ashe is futile. You try and duel him, and suddenly there's a gang of 8 absolute b e a s t s tearing you to shreds. It's not fun

- Seeing as he doesn't have a crest, Ashe is probably a commoner.

- How did he end up with the Blue Lions? Either his own skill at the time, or him having a lot of potential, or both. I'm leaning towards the latter

Lorenz:

- Has horribly embarrassing anecdotes from his time at the mage school, which is why he is half thankful that Mercedes doesn't remember most of his blunders

- Annette remembers all of them, however.

- All of them.

- She uses these stories as blackmail material.

- Has always had a playful rivalry with Claude, but ultimately respects him. They play up their rivalry sometimes around the other nobles in the Alliance, just to create confusion

- Has an older sister who is infinitely more stylish and romantically successful than him. It pains him to even think about her success compared to his

- (doesn't stop him from knocking on her door for advice, though)

Hilda:

- Canonically spoilt by her father and older brother, yes. However, if you touch her family, and she will k i l l you

- s l o w l y

- so don't even think about it.

- Goes shopping and uses her poor brother as a shopping basket. The boy's groaning after five minutes. She smiles and adds more clothes onto his arm

- Her family can't resist her pleas... which caused quite a few petty squabbles. Imagine being Hilda's brother and getting a mug for Christmas, while you watch her get the cutest lil puppy, or something

- Despite this, she genuinely would do anything for her family. (even poison for them, if it came down to it...)

Raphael:

- His parents were killed in an accident, but for a long time Raphael felt guilty for not being able to do anything to save them, especially since he was so strong in the first place.

- What's the use of all his strength if he can't even protect his loved ones properly?

- Eventually, he pulls himself out of his slump. It takes a long time, but he realises that there's nothing he can do now except move forward and use his strength to protect those still living

- which is what he does! He gets Stronger, and uses his strength to protect his house.

- the others all admire how optimistic he is. His energy has always been infectious, and always draws out laughter from even the most despondent of people

- however, his constant training has always brought about shortages of training dummies for the Deer. Sometimes they go out to train, but there's just ... straw, in a heap on the floor.

- Raphael's optimism can't save him then 😤

[wildhcartcd]

↳ Oh, wow, is that RICHARD MADDEN? Never mind, it’s just MAXIMILIAN “MAX” FAULKNER, the 28 year old PANSEXUAL WEREWOLF BETA. I did hear that HE is SPONTANEOUS & ENERGETIC but also really RELENTLESS & PROTECTIVE. In the great war, HE is on the AVERY side. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. (Riley, 25, PST, they/them)

**i’m going out and doing family things today but i wanted to toss this out into the world with the note that, as always, i’d be super duper happy to plot if anyone has any interest at all with chatting up this big fucking nerd.

— basic facts: max is 28, he was born in windham, new york a few years before his best friend and future girlfriend charlotte storm. he’s always been a little bit of a small town boy at heart— he’s fascinated by big cities and the few times he’s been to new york city he’s been completely dumbstruck by its immensity. he grew up in a single parent household and his mom is one of his favorite people in the entire world, but i’ll probably dive into that down below.

— max was born in a little town called windham, new york to his parents - chase & andrea faulkner. both supernatural beings— though max wasn’t aware of that until much, much later in his life. his parents were together for the first year of his life around which point his father left in the middle of the night without a word; he’s never even tried to contact max since then and max’s memory of him is so shoddy he doesn’t make much of an effort to do so either. andrea is, in max’s mind, his first best friend, and he adores her with everything in him. though he lives away from his childhood home in his adulthood he hasn’t left the state and when he can physically visit his mother he often finds a way to do it, even with all of the responsibility war has placed on him.

— andrea always did her best in raising max on her own and for the most part max was an angel; perhaps her worst experience as his mother was no fault of his own but rather the fault of the high fever that woke him in the middle of the night when he was two and resulted in a frantic trip to the emergency room. in the end max’s stay in the hospital amounted to a month and a half as he was diligently treated for bacterial meningitis. being as young as he was he has very few memories of his hospital stay but the lasting effects of the treatment have stayed with him most of his life until around four years ago.

— the antibiotics used to treat max’s meningitis left him with severe hearing loss in both ears, and being as young as he was he had a great deal of difficulty adjusting to his new challenges for a good deal of his childhood. his mother did her best to support him, even and especially when he became immensely frustrated by his condition and all of the challenges it offered him. andrea began teaching him sign language around the same time he learned how to speak - things were often muffled for him but he learned how to speak well enough, though sign language was often more comfortable for him before he raised the money to get his hearing aids at the age of ten.

— when he received his hearing aids he felt as though the entire world was opening up for him properly for the first time, and he fell absolutely in love with films and music as soon as he could hear them for the first time. it became apparent to him almost immediately that he wanted to work with films for the rest of his life and as he went through high school and began studying online for school, he worked almost obsessively on his own short films and generally did his best to be as involved in the film making community on campus as he possibly could.

— when he was twenty-four his life changed for what he can still only hope has been for the better, but occasionally has his doubts. during a camping trip with his uncle deep in the catskills max and his uncle aaron came across a severely injured game hunter who seemed to have been mauled by a bear or some other large animal— max offered to stay with the man while his uncle went to call for help and during the course of that encounter the hunter begged max to put him out of his misery and end his suffering. with their camp nearly an hour away max eventually buckled under the hunter’s pleas, as he was uncomfortable and horrified at the amount of pain the man seemed to be in. whether he intended for such a thing to happen or not the taking of the hunter’s life triggered max’s wolf gene and his entire life seemed to change in an instant. 

— he fled the moment he shifted and for nearly two weeks he was considered ‘missing’ before he wandered back into windham, disoriented and terrified at the change that had taken place within him but eager to learn everything he could about it in an effort to control himself and keep the people around him safe. his transformation also brought about the accelerated healing of his damaged ears and for the first time since his meningitis he had fully functional ears. he still has a tendency to sign when he talks and occasionally signs rather than speaking aloud but for the most part has adjusted to his hearing having returned.

— as far as he’s concerned his life has gotten exponentially better since he began dating charlotte in earnest. having grown up together the pair of them were generally joined at the hip as children, and max developed feelings for her around the time they were teenagers - though it took him an exceedingly long time to mention that to her or even allude to it, as he was fairly positive she could do much better. now that they’re together max still occasionally kicks himself for waiting so long to admit his feelings as they’re basically deliriously happy together.

— at the moment he’s in a leadership position within the kane pack and considers his alpha to be one of his very best friends in the world, second only to charlotte. it’s slightly uncomfortable for him to be someone people look to for direction and are expected to follow, but he’s doing his level best to be someone people respect and genuinely like within his pack and the position he holds there.

— max is a fundamentally gentle person; he’s rarely upset by anything, and has a tendency towards mellowness more than anything else. he can be a bit skittish around new people but does his best to put on a brave face and be as open and outgoing as he possibly can. he’s a little bit goofy, and delights in few things more than he does in making people laugh.

— he’s naturally very flirtatious in spite of his overall shyness but the moment he feels comfortable it’s basically no holds barred in terms of his expression affection for pretty much everyone who’s in his life for more than ten minutes at a time.

— he’s not known to be very confrontational but he’s fiercely protective of the people in his life he considers important, and he’s gotten into more than a few genuine fights in his efforts to look out for them when he has the ability to do so. additionally, his werewolf gene being triggered has made him more easy to anger but he does his very best not to lose his shit at every little situation unless something dire is happening. he’s still very much the same gentle man at heart but some of that gentleness is covered by a layer of stoicism and trauma that he hasn’t really dealt with all that readily.

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

Hi, I’m Luna. And I’m psychotic...

I’m up past my bedtime. So I’m already loopy.

I was a weird kid. A WEIRD kid. I knew I was weird. My family knew I was weird. My teachers and classmates knew I was weird. I always seemed both behind and ahead of other kids my age. I was the teacher’s pet, always doing well in class, always wanting to learn, always wanting to participate. I was always an honour student and won awards for my schoolwork. But, amongst my peers, I seemed younger than them, mentally. While other girls were talking about boys and make-up and stuff like that, I was still wanting to have sleepovers, play pretend, and read scary stories to each other. I was both the “mom” friend and the “baby”. I cared so MUCH about fictional characters, but so very LITTLE about real people. I liked dark, scary things, but also Disney princesses. I went through so many “phases”: tomboy, goth, prep, emo, punk, idgaf.

Everyone else was finding out who they were, growing out of their childhood and into adulthood. They were learning to pay bills, to have sexual relationships, and other stuff that are practically “expected” of young people these days. But I was struggling believing I was the reincarnation of Jane Austin, or that I was an alien trapped in a human body. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why everyone around me was growing and adapting as they got older, but I was still wanting to play on playgrounds, talk about space, play games, and have sleepovers where we sleep in the same bed. I get mocked by my family for liking Marvel so much, for not being “mature” enough to handle watching “Game of Thrones”, for loving Disney, and for wanting to stay home and write or craft all day instead of working.

For a really long time, I thought I was anything other than human: an alien, a fairy, a mermaid, an “Indigo Child”. I thought there HAD to be a strange reason as to why I’m just so different than everyone around me. I became a hypochondriac, thinking I was schizophrenic, or autistic. (No, I no longer think I’m autistic, guys.) I fit so many symptoms, but also not ENOUGH. I know for a FACT that I have psychotic depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD, agoraphobia, and sensory processing disorder. I’ve already been diagnoses with those.

I don’t know why I’m typing this all up instead of going to bed. I should’ve been in bed two hours ago. I just feel weird today for some reason. Maybe relief after a really, really stressful semester of college? I’ve been feeling really light and strange, and I’ve been watching videos about mental illness, and I’m writing an alien story and it’s got me thinking about myself again.

Psychotic depression is actually considered rare, even though, apparently, one in four patients with depression experience psychotic symptoms, too. My psychosis is mostly paranoia. I don’t like leaving the top floor of my house -my floor-, because I think someone will break in and attack me. I don’t like being in the dark because I think there’s a demon or something after me and just waiting to get me when I’m vulnerable. I think aliens are observing me at all times, especially on the flat ledges outside my rooms. I think that the government watches me and thinks I’m a threat.

Then there’s the delusions. I think I’m the reincarnation of princesses, of Jane Austin, and other important women in history. I think I’m this “saviour” of humanity, that I’m meant to bring about world peace. I think I’m the next step in human evolution (Indigo Child). I think that, if aliens were to visit me, they would take me away and teach me as one of their own. I think that I was never meant to be human, that I was meant to be something else, something purer and better than humans.

Then there’s the hallucinations. Yeah, I get ‘em. No voices or visuals. I smell and taste things that aren’t there. Usually sweets, which is abnormal apparently (most people smell terrible things), and cigarette smoke. I also feel touches when no one is around me. Like a hand on my shoulder or back. This really fuels my paranoia, making me think it’s a ghost or an alien.

I’m crazy. “No, Luna, don’t call yourself that. That’s offensive.” I’m gonna say it again: I’m crazy. I’m legally mentally ill and disabled. I’m insane. There are days where I’m extremely ashamed about that, and days where I tell total strangers about my mental illnesses. (I have a problem oversharing to people I don’t know very well because I’m so damn lonely.) I STILL sometimes spend hours online searching for an “answer” as to why I’m struggling so much. Could it just be my current mental illnesses that I’ve already been diagnosed with and am being treated for right now? Absolutely. There’s always new information coming out that my sponge-brain seeps up like liquid crack.

And yet...and yet...for all the information out there about my mental illnesses and disabilities, I still struggle. A LOT. And my family still mocks me. A LOT. And I know there are good times and bad times when it comes to mental illnesses, especially ones as serious as psychosis and anxiety, but...am I manic right now? I think I’m manic right now. But I’m not bipolar. Why am I still typing? It’s been half an hour since I last checked the time. I’m watching ironic tik toks on YouTube and not paying attention at all. That one was funny, though. Is this what it feels like to be high? I took all my meds today! Oh, but I WAS off my antipsychotics for, like, two weeks because I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t refill her scripts on time! I think I’m having a breakdown. I’m so sorry. I’m going to bed. I have tomorrow off. I’m gonna sleep as much as I can and wake up feeling like a zombie. I hope grandma is here tomorrow so I don’t wake up alone cuz i’ll freeak out. Good night! Stay Safe!

[leviathangourmet]

The share of Americans who say sex between unmarried adults is “not wrong at all” is at an all-time high. New cases of HIV are at an all-time low. Most women can—at last—get birth control for free, and the morning-after pill without a prescription.

If hookups are your thing, Grindr and Tinder offer the prospect of casual sex within the hour. The phrase If something exists, there is porn of it used to be a clever internet meme; now it’s a truism. BDSM plays at the local multiplex—but why bother going? Sex is portrayed, often graphically and sometimes gorgeously, on prime-time cable. Sexting is, statistically speaking, normal.

Polyamory is a household word. Shame-laden terms like perversion have given way to cheerful-sounding ones like kink. Anal sex has gone from final taboo to “fifth base”—Teen Vogue (yes, Teen Vogue) even ran a guide to it. With the exception of perhaps incest and bestiality—and of course nonconsensual sex more generally—our culture has never been more tolerant of sex in just about every permutation.

But despite all this, American teenagers and young adults are having less sex.

To the relief of many parents, educators, and clergy members who care about the health and well-being of young people, teens are launching their sex lives later. From 1991 to 2017, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey finds, the percentage of high-school students who’d had intercourse dropped from 54 to 40 percent. In other words, in the space of a generation, sex has gone from something most high-school students have experienced to something most haven’t. (And no, they aren’t having oral sex instead—that rate hasn’t changed much.)

Meanwhile, the U.S. teen pregnancy rate has plummeted to a third of its modern high. When this decline started, in the 1990s, it was widely and rightly embraced. But now some observers are beginning to wonder whether an unambiguously good thing might have roots in less salubrious developments. Signs are gathering that the delay in teen sex may have been the first indication of a broader withdrawal from physical intimacy that extends well into adulthood.

Over the past few years, Jean M. Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University, has published research exploring how and why Americans’ sex lives may be ebbing. In a series of journal articles and in her latest book, iGen, she notes that today’s young adults are on track to have fewer sex partners than members of the two preceding generations. People now in their early 20s are two and a half times as likely to be abstinent as Gen Xers were at that age; 15 percent report having had no sex since they reached adulthood.

Gen Xers and Baby Boomers may also be having less sex today than previous generations did at the same age. From the late 1990s to 2014, Twenge found, drawing on data from the General Social Survey, the average adult went from having sex 62 times a year to 54 times. A given person might not notice this decrease, but nationally, it adds up to a lot of missing sex. Twenge recently took a look at the latest General Social Survey data, from 2016, and told me that in the two years following her study, sexual frequency fell even further.

Some social scientists take issue with aspects of Twenge’s analysis; others say that her data source, although highly regarded, is not ideally suited to sex research. And yet none of the many experts I interviewed for this piece seriously challenged the idea that the average young adult circa 2018 is having less sex than his or her counterparts of decades past. Nor did anyone doubt that this reality is out of step with public perception—most of us still think that other people are having a lot more sex than they actually are.

When I called the anthropologist Helen Fisher, who studies love and sex and co-directs Match.com’s annual Singles in America survey of more than 5,000 unpartnered Americans, I could almost feel her nodding over the phone. “The data is that people are having less sex,” she said, with a hint of mischief. “I’m a Baby Boomer, and apparently in my day we were having a lot more sex than they are today!” She went on to explain that the survey has been probing the intimate details of people’s lives for eight years now. “Every year the whole Match company is rather staggered at how little sex Americans are having—including the Millennials.”

Fisher, like many other experts, attributes the sex decline to a decline in couplehood among young people. For a quarter century, fewer people have been marrying, and those who do have been marrying later. At first, many observers figured that the decline in marriage was explained by an increase in unmarried cohabitation—yet the share of people living together hasn’t risen enough to offset the decline in marriage: About 60 percent of adults under age 35 now live without a spouse or a partner. One in three adults in this age range live with their parents, making that the most common living arrangement for the cohort. People who live with a romantic partner tend to have sex more than those who don’t—and living with your parents is obviously bad for your sex life. But this doesn’t explain why young people are partnering up less to begin with.

Over the course of many conversations with sex researchers, psychologists, economists, sociologists, therapists, sex educators, and young adults, I heard many other theories about what I have come to think of as the sex recession. I was told it might be a consequence of the hookup culture, of crushing economic pressures, of surging anxiety rates, of psychological frailty, of widespread antidepressant use, of streaming television, of environmental estrogens leaked by plastics, of dropping testosterone levels, of digital porn, of the vibrator’s golden age, of dating apps, of option paralysis, of helicopter parents, of careerism, of smartphones, of the news cycle, of information overload generally, of sleep deprivation, of obesity. Name a modern blight, and someone, somewhere, is ready to blame it for messing with the modern libido.

Some experts I spoke with offered more hopeful explanations for the decline in sex. For example, rates of childhood sexual abuse have decreased in recent decades, and abuse can lead to both precocious and promiscuous sexual behavior. And some people today may feel less pressured into sex they don’t wantto have, thanks to changing gender mores and growing awareness of diverse sexual orientations, including asexuality. Maybe more people are prioritizing school or work over love and sex, at least for a time, or maybe they’re simply being extra deliberate in choosing a life partner—and if so, good for them.

Many—or all—of these things may be true. In a famous 2007 study, people supplied researchers with 237 distinct reasons for having sex, ranging from mystical (“I wanted to feel closer to God”) to lame (“I wanted to change the topic of conversation”). The number of reasons not to have sex must be at least as high. Still, a handful of suspects came up again and again in my interviews and in the research I reviewed—and each has profound implications for our happiness.

1. Sex for One

The retreat from sex is not an exclusively American phenomenon. Most countries don’t track their citizens’ sex lives closely, but those that try (all of them wealthy) are reporting their own sex delays and declines. One of the most respected sex studies in the world, Britain’s National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, reported in 2001 that people ages 16 to 44 were having sex more than six times a month on average. By 2012, the rate had dropped to fewer than five times. Over roughly the same period, Australians in relationships went from having sex about 1.8 times a week to 1.4 times. Finland’s “Finsex” study found declines in intercourse frequency, along with rising rates of masturbation.

In the Netherlands, the median age at which people first have intercourse rose from 17.1 in 2012 to 18.6 in 2017, and other types of physical contact also got pushed back, even kissing. This news was greeted not with universal relief, as in the United States, but with some concern. The Dutch pride themselves on having some of the world’s highest rates of adolescent and young-adult well-being. If people skip a crucial phase of development, one educator warned—a stage that includes not only flirting and kissing but dealing with heartbreak and disappointment—might they be unprepared for the challenges of adult life?

Meanwhile, Sweden, which hadn’t done a national sex study in 20 years, recently launched one, alarmed by polling suggesting that Swedes, too, were having less sex. The country, which has one of the highest birth rates in Europe, is apparently disinclined to risk its fecundity. “If the social conditions for a good sex life—for example through stress or other unhealthy factors—have deteriorated,” the Swedish health minister at the time wrote in an op-ed explaining the rationale for the study, it is “a political problem.”

This brings us to fertility-challenged Japan, which is in the midst of a demographic crisis and has become something of a case study in the dangers of sexlessness. In 2005, a third of Japanese single people ages 18 to 34 were virgins; by 2015, 43 percent of people in this age group were, and the share who said they did not intend to get married had risen too. (Not that marriage was any guarantee of sexual frequency: A related survey found that 47 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in at least a month.)

For nearly a decade, stories in the Western press have tied Japan’s sexual funk to a rising generation of soushoku danshi—literally, “grass-eating boys.” These “herbivore men,” as they are known in English, are said to be ambivalent about pursuing either women or conventional success. The new taxonomy of Japanese sexlessness also includes terms for groups such as hikikomori (“shut-ins”), parasaito shinguru (“parasite singles,” people who live with their parents beyond their 20s), and otaku (“obsessive fans,” especially of anime and manga)—all of whom are said to contribute to sekkusu shinai shokogun (“celibacy syndrome”).

Early on, most Western accounts of all this had a heavy subtext of “Isn’t Japan wacky?” This tone has slowly given way to a realization that the country’s experience might be less a curiosity than a cautionary tale. Dismal employment prospects played an initial role in driving many men to solitary pursuits—but the culture has since moved to accommodate and even encourage those pursuits. Roland Kelts, a Japanese American writer and longtime Tokyo resident, has described “a generation that found the imperfect or just unexpected demands of real-world relationships with women less enticing than the lure of the virtual libido.”

Let’s consider this lure for a moment. Japan is among the world’s top producersand consumers of porn, and the originator of whole new porn genres, such as bukkake (don’t ask). It is also a global leader in the design of high-end sex dolls. What may be more telling, though, is the extent to which Japan is inventing modes of genital stimulation that no longer bother to evoke old-fashioned sex, by which I mean sex involving more than one person. A recent article in The Economist, titled “Japan’s Sex Industry Is Becoming Less Sexual,” described onakura shops, where men pay to masturbate while female employees watch, and explained that because many younger people see the very idea of intercourse as mendokusai—tiresome—“services that make masturbation more enjoyable are booming.”

In their 2015 book, Modern Romance, the sociologist Eric Klinenberg and the comedian Aziz Ansari (who earlier this year became infamous for a hookup gone awry) describe Ansari’s visit to Japan seeking insights into the future of sex. He concluded that much of what he’d read about herbivore men missed the mark. Herbivores, he found, were “interested in sexual pleasure”—just not “through traditional routes.” Among Japan’s more popular recent innovations, he notes, is “a single-use silicone egg that men fill with lubricant and masturbate inside.” One night in Tokyo, Ansari picks one up at a convenience store, heads back to his hotel, and—sorry for the visual—gives it a go. He finds it cold and awkward, but understands its purpose. “It was a way,” he writes, “to avoid putting yourself out there and having an actual experience with another person.”

From 1992 to 2014, the share of American men who reported masturbating in a given week doubled, to 54 percent, and the share of women more than tripled, to 26 percent. Easy access to porn is part of the story, of course; in 2014, 43 percent of men said they’d watched porn in the past week. The vibrator figures in, too—a major study 10 years ago found that just over half of adult women had used one, and by all indications it has only grown in popularity. (Makes, models, and features have definitely proliferated. If you don’t know your Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion pulsator from your Power Toyfriend, you can find them on Amazon, which has these and some 10,000 other options.)

This shift is particularly striking when you consider that Western civilization has had a major hang-up about masturbation going back at least as far as Onan. As Robert T. Michael and his co-authors recount in Sex in America, J. H. Kellogg, the cereal maker, urged American parents of the late 19th century to take extreme measures to keep their children from indulging, including circumcision without anesthetic and application of carbolic acid to the clitoris. Thanks in part to his message, masturbation remained taboo well into the 20th century. By the 1990s, when Michael’s book came out, references to masturbation were still greeted with “nervous titters or with shock and disgust,” despite the fact that the behavior was commonplace.

Today, masturbation is even more common, and fears about its effects—now paired with concerns about digital porn’s ubiquity—are being raised anew by a strange assortment of people, including the psychologist Philip Zimbardo, the director of the famous Stanford Prison Experiment, who is enjoying an unlikely second act as an antiporn activist. In his book Man, Interrupted, Zimbardo warns that “procrasturbation”—his unfortunate portmanteau for procrastination via masturbation—may be leading young men to fail academically, socially, and sexually. Gary Wilson, an Oregon man who runs a website called Your Brain on Porn, makes a similar claim. In a popular tedx talk, which features animal copulation as well as many (human) brain scans, Wilson argues that masturbating to internet porn is addictive, causes structural changes in the brain, and is producing an epidemic of erectile dysfunction.

These messages are echoed and amplified by a Salt Lake City–based nonprofit called Fight the New Drug—the “drug” being porn—which has delivered hundreds of presentations to schools and other organizations around the country, including, this spring, the Kansas City Royals. The website NoFap, an offshoot of a popular Reddit message board founded by a now-retired Google contractor, provides community members (“fapstronauts”) a program to quit “fapping”—masturbating. Further outside the mainstream, the far-right Proud Boys group has a “no wanks” policy, which prohibits masturbating more than once a month. The group’s founder, Gavin McInnes, who also co-founded Vice Media, has said that pornography and masturbation are making Millennials “not even want to pursue relationships.”

The truth appears more complicated. There is scant evidence of an epidemic of erectile dysfunction among young men. And no researcher I spoke with had seen compelling evidence that porn is addictive. As the authors of a recent review of porn research note in The Archives of Sexual Behavior, “The notion of problematic pornography use remains contentious in both academic and popular literature,” while “the mental health community at large is divided as to the addictive versus non-addictive nature of Internet pornography.”

This isn’t to say there’s no correlation between porn use and desire for real-life sex. Ian Kerner, a well-known New York sex therapist and the author of several popular books about sex, told me that while he doesn’t see porn use as unhealthy (he recommends certain types of porn to some patients), he works with a lot of men who, inspired by porn, “are still masturbating like they’re 17,” to the detriment of their sex life. “It’s taking the edge off their desire,” he said. Kerner believes this is why more and more of the women coming to his office in recent years report that they want sex more than their partners do.

In reporting this story, I spoke and corresponded with dozens of 20- and early-30-somethings in hopes of better understanding the sex recession. I can’t know that they were representative, though I did seek out people with a range of experiences. I talked with some who had never had a romantic or sexual relationship, and others who were wildly in love or had busy sex lives or both. Sex may be declining, but most people are still having it—even during an economic recession, most people are employed.

The recession metaphor is imperfect, of course. Most people need jobs; that’s not the case with relationships and sex. I talked with plenty of people who were single and celibate by choice. Even so, I was amazed by how many 20-somethings were deeply unhappy with the sex-and-dating landscape; over and over, people asked me whether things had always been this hard. Despite the diversity of their stories, certain themes emerged.

One recurring theme, predictably enough, was porn. Less expected, perhaps, was the extent to which many people saw their porn life and their sex life as entirely separate things. The wall between the two was not absolute; for one thing, many straight women told me that learning about sex from porn seemed to have given some men dismaying sexual habits. (We’ll get to that later.) But by and large, the two things—partnered sex and solitary porn viewing—existed on separate planes. “My porn taste and partner taste are quite different,” one man in his early 30s told me, explaining that he watches porn about once a week and doesn’t think it has much effect on his sex life. “I watch it knowing it is fiction,” a 22-year-old woman said, adding that she didn’t “internalize” it.

I thought of these comments when Pornhub, the top pornography website, released its list of 2017’s most popular searches. In first place, for the third year running, was lesbian (a category beloved by men and women alike). The new runner-up, however, was hentai—anime, manga, and other animated porn. Porn has never been like real sex, of course, but hentai is not even of this world; unreality is the source of its appeal. In a New York–magazine cover story on porn preferences, Maureen O’Connor described the ways hentai transmogrifies body parts (“eyes bigger than feet, breasts the size of heads, penises thicker than waists”) and eroticizes the supernatural (“sexy human shapes” combine with “candy-colored fur and animal horns, ears, and tails”). In other words, the leading search category for porn involves sex that half the population doesn’t have the equipment to engage in, and the runner-up isn’t carnal so much as hallucinatory.

Many of the younger people I talked with see porn as just one more digital activity—a way of relieving stress, a diversion. It is related to their sex life (or lack thereof) in much the same way social media and binge-watching TV are. As one 24-year-old man emailed me:

The internet has made it so easy to gratify basic social and sexual needs that there’s far less incentive to go out into the “meatworld” and chase those things. This isn’t to say that the internet can give you more satisfaction than sex or relationships, because it doesn’t … [But it can] supply you with just enough satisfaction to placate those imperatives … I think it’s healthy to ask yourself: “If I didn’t have any of this, would I be going out more? Would I be having sex more?” For a lot of people my age, I think the answer is probably yes.

Even people in relationships told me that their digital life seemed to be vying with their sex life. “We’d probably have a lot more sex,” one woman noted, “if we didn’t get home and turn on the TV and start scrolling through our phones.” This seems to defy logic; our hunger for sex is supposed to be primal. Who would pick messing around online over actual messing around?

Teenagers, for one. An intriguing study published last year in the Journal of Population Economics examined the introduction of broadband internet access at the county-by-county level, and found that its arrival explained 7 to 13 percent of the teen-birth-rate decline from 1999 to 2007.

Maybe adolescents are not the hormone-crazed maniacs we sometimes make them out to be. Maybe the human sex drive is more fragile than we thought, and more easily stalled.

2. Hookup Culture and Helicopter Parents

I started high school in 1992, around the time the teen pregnancy and birth rates hit their highest levels in decades, and the median age at which teenagers began having sex was approaching its modern low of 16.9. Women born in 1978, the year I was born, have a dubious honor: We were younger when we started having sex than any group since.

But as the ’90s continued, the teen pregnancy rate began to decline. This development was welcomed—even if experts couldn’t agree on why it was happening. Birth-control advocates naturally pointed to birth control. And yes, teenagers were getting better about using contraceptives, but not sufficiently better to single-handedly explain the change. Christian pro-abstinence groups and backers of abstinence-only education, which received a big funding boost from the 1996 welfare-reform act, also tried to take credit. Yet the teen pregnancy rate was falling even in places that hadn’t adopted abstinence-only curricula, and research has since shown that virginity pledges and abstinence-only education don’t actually beget abstinence.

Still, the trend continued: Each wave of teenagers had sex a little later, and the pregnancy rate kept inching down. You wouldn’t have known either of these things, though, from all the hyperventilating about hookup culture that started in the late ’90s. The New York Times, for example, announced in 1997 that on college campuses, casual sex “seems to be near an all-time high.” It didn’t offer much data to support this, but it did introduce the paper’s readers to the term hooking up, which it defined as “anything from 20 minutes of strenuous kissing to spending the night together fully clothed to sexual intercourse.”

Pretty much ever since, people have been overestimating how much casual sex high-school and college students are having (even, surveys show, students themselves). In the past several years, however, a number of studies and books on hookup culture have begun to correct the record. One of the most thoughtful of these is American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, by Lisa Wade, a sociology professor at Occidental College. The book draws on detailed journals kept by students at two liberal-arts colleges from 2010 to 2015, as well as on Wade’s conversations with students at 24 other colleges and universities.

Wade sorts the students she followed into three groups. Roughly one-third were what she calls “abstainers”—they opted out of hookup culture entirely. A little more than a third were “dabblers”—they hooked up sometimes, but ambivalently. Less than a quarter were “enthusiasts,” who delighted in hooking up. The remainder were in long-term relationships.

This portrait is compatible with a 2014 study finding that Millennial college students weren’t having more sex or sexual partners than their Gen X predecessors. It also tracks with data from the Online College Social Life Survey, a survey of more than 20,000 college students that was conducted from 2005 to 2011, which found the median number of hookups over a four-year college career to be five—a third of which involved only kissing and touching. The majority of students surveyed said they wished they had more opportunities to find a long-term boyfriend or girlfriend.

When I spoke with Wade recently, she told me that she found the sex decline among teens and 20-somethings completely unsurprising—young people, she said, have always been most likely to have sex in the context of a relationship. “Go back to the point in history where premarital sex became more of a thing, and the conditions that led to it,” she said, referring to how post–World War II anxiety about a man shortage led teen girls in the late 1940s and ’50s to pursue more serious romantic relationships than had been customary before the war. “Young women, at that point, innovate ‘going steady,’ ” Wade said, adding that parents were not entirely happy about the shift away from prewar courtship, which had favored casual, nonexclusive dating. “If you [go out with someone for] one night you might get up to a little bit of necking and petting, but what happens when you spend months with them? It turns out 1957 has the highest rate of teen births in American history.”

“We hook up because we have no social skills. We have no social skills because we hook up.”

In more recent decades, by contrast, teen romantic relationships appear to have grown less common. In 1995, the large longitudinal study known as “Add Health” found that 66 percent of 17-year-old men and 74 percent of 17-year-old women had experienced “a special romantic relationship” in the past 18 months. In 2014, when the Pew Research Center asked 17-year-olds whether they had “ever dated, hooked up with or otherwise had a romantic relationship with another person”—seemingly a broader category than the earlier one—only 46 percent said yes.

So what thwarted teen romance? Adolescence has changed so much in the past 25 years that it’s hard to know where to start. As Jean Twenge wrote in The Atlantic last year, the percentage of teens who report going on dates has decreased alongside the percentage who report other activities associated with entering adulthood, like drinking alcohol, working for pay, going out without one’s parents, and getting a driver’s license.

These shifts coincide with another major change: parents’ increased anxiety about their children’s educational and economic prospects. Among the affluent and educated, especially, this anxiety has led to big changes in what’s expected of teens. “It’s hard to work in sex when the baseball team practices at 6:30, school starts at 8:15, drama club meets at 4:15, the soup kitchen starts serving at 6, and, oh yeah, your screenplay needs completion,” said a man who was a couple of years out of college, thinking back on his high-school years. He added: “There’s immense pressure” from parents and other authority figures “to focus on the self, at the expense of relationships”—pressure, quite a few 20-somethings told me, that extends right on through college.

Malcolm Harris strikes a similar note in his book, Kids These Days: Human Capital and the Making of Millennials. Addressing the desexing of the American teenager, he writes:

A decline in unsupervised free time probably contributes a lot. At a basic level, sex at its best is unstructured play with friends, a category of experience that … time diaries … tell us has been decreasing for American adolescents. It takes idle hands to get past first base, and today’s kids have a lot to do.

Marriage 101, one of the most popular undergraduate classes at Northwestern University, was launched in 2001 by William M. Pinsof, a founding father of couples therapy, and Arthur Nielsen, a psychiatry professor. What if you could teach about love, sex, and marriage before people chose a partner, Pinsof and Nielsen wondered—before they developed bad habits? The class was meant to be a sort of preemptive strike against unhappy marriages. Under Alexandra Solomon, the psychology professor who took over the course six years ago, it has become, secondarily, a strike against what she sees as the romantic and sexual stunting of a generation. She assigns students to ask someone else out on a date, for example, something many have never done.

This hasn’t hurt the class’s appeal; during registration, it fills within minutes. (It may or may not have helped that a course with overlapping appeal, Human Sexuality, was discontinued some years back after its professor presided over a demonstration of something called a fucksaw.) Each week during office hours, students wait in line to talk with Solomon, who is also a practicing therapist at the university’s Family Institute, not only about the class but about their love woes and everything they don’t know about healthy and pleasurable sex—which, in many cases, is a lot.

Over the course of numerous conversations, Solomon has come to various conclusions about hookup culture, or what might more accurately be described as lack-of-relationship culture. For one thing, she believes it is both a cause and an effect of social stunting. Or, as one of her students put it to her: “We hook up because we have no social skills. We have no social skills because we hook up.” For another, insofar as her students find themselves choosing between casual sex and no sex, they are doing so because an obvious third option—relationship sex—strikes many of them as not only unattainable but potentially irresponsible. Most Marriage 101 students have had at least one romantic relationship over the course of their college career; the class naturally attracts relationship-oriented students, she points out. Nonetheless, she believes that many students have absorbed the idea that love is secondary to academic and professional success—or, at any rate, is best delayed until those other things have been secured. “Over and over,” she has written, “my undergraduates tell me they try hard not to fall in love during college, imagining that would mess up their plans.”

One Friday afternoon in March, I sat in on a discussion Solomon was hosting for a group of predominantly female graduate students in the Family Institute’s counseling programs, on the challenges of love and sex circa 2018. Over rosé and brownies, students shared thoughts on topics ranging from Aziz Ansari’s notorious date (which had recently been detailed on the website Babe) to the ambiguities of current relationship terminology. “People will be like, ‘We’re dating, we’re exclusive, but we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend.’ What does that mean?” one young woman asked, exasperated. A classmate nodded emphatically. “What does that mean? We’re in a monogamous relationship, but …” She trailed off. Solomon jumped in with a sort of relationship litmus test: “If I get the flu, are you bringing me soup?” Around the conference table, heads shook; not many people were getting (or giving) soup.

The conversation proceeded to why soup-bringing relationships weren’t more common. “You’re supposed to have so much before you can get into a relationship,” one woman offered. Another said that when she was in high school, her parents, who are both professionals with advanced degrees, had discouraged relationships on the grounds that they might diminish her focus. Even today, in graduate school, she was finding the attitude hard to shake. “Now I need to finish school, I need to get a practice going, I need to do this and this, and then I’ll think about love. But by 30, you’re like, What is love? What’s it like to be in love?”

He couldn’t escape the sense that hitting on someone in person had, in a short period of time, gone from normal behavior to borderline creepy.

In early May, I returned to Northwestern to sit in on a Marriage 101 discussion section. I had picked that particular week because the designated topic, “Sex in Intimate Relationships,” seemed relevant. As it happened, though, there wasn’t much talk of sex; the session was mostly consumed by a rapturous conversation about the students’ experiences with something called the “mentor couple” assignment, which had involved interviewing a couple in the community and chronicling their relationship.

“To see a relationship where two people are utterly content and committed,” one woman said, with real conviction, “it’s kind of an aha moment for me.” Another student spoke disbelievingly of her couple’s pre-smartphone courtship. “I couldn’t necessarily relate to it,” she said. “They met, they got each other’s email addresses, they emailed one another, they went on a first date, they knew that they were going to be together. They never had a ‘define the relationship’ moment, because both were on the same page. I was just like, Damn, is that what it’s supposed to be like?” About two-thirds of the way through the allotted discussion time, one of the teaching assistants finally interrupted. “Should we transition?” she asked, tentatively. “I wanted to transition to talk about sex. Which is the topic of this week.”

3. The Tinder Mirage

Simon, a 32-year-old grad student who describes himself as short and balding (“If I wasn’t funny,” he says, “I’d be doomed”), didn’t lack for sex in college. (The names of people who talked with me about their personal lives have been changed.) “I’m outgoing and like to talk, but I am at heart a significant nerd,” he told me when we spoke recently. “I was so happy that college had nerdy women. That was a delight.” Shortly before graduation, he started a relationship that lasted for seven years. When he and his girlfriend broke up, in 2014, he felt like he’d stepped out of a time machine.

Before the relationship, Tinder didn’t exist; nor did iPhones. Simon wasn’t particularly eager to get into another serious relationship right away, but he wanted to have sex. “My first instinct was go to bars,” he said. But each time he went to one, he struck out. He couldn’t escape the sense that hitting on someone in person had, in a short period of time, gone from normal behavior to borderline creepy. His friends set up a Tinder account for him; later, he signed up for Bumble, Match, OkCupid, and Coffee Meets Bagel.

Unless you are exceptionally good-looking, the thing online dating may be best at is sucking up large amounts of time.

He had better luck with Tinder than the other apps, but it was hardly efficient. He figures he swiped right—indicating that he was interested—up to 30 times for every woman who also swiped right on him, thereby triggering a match. But matching was only the beginning; then it was time to start messaging. “I was up to over 10 messages sent for a single message received,” he said. In other words: Nine out of 10 women who matched with Simon after swiping right on him didn’t go on to exchange messages with him. This means that for every 300 women he swiped right on, he had a conversation with just one.

At least among people who don’t use dating apps, the perception exists that they facilitate casual sex with unprecedented efficiency. In reality, unless you are exceptionally good-looking, the thing online dating may be best at is sucking up large amounts of time. As of 2014, when Tinder last released such data, the average user logged in 11 times a day. Men spent 7.2 minutes per session and women spent 8.5 minutes, for a total of about an hour and a half a day. Yet they didn’t get much in return. Today, the company says it logs 1.6 billion swipes a day, and just 26 million matches. And, if Simon’s experience is any indication, the overwhelming majority of matches don’t lead to so much as a two-way text exchange, much less a date, much less sex.

When I talked with Simon, he was seven months into a relationship with a new girlfriend, whom he’d met through another online-dating service. He liked her, and was happy to be on hiatus from Tinder. “It’s like howling into the void for most guys,” he explained, “and like searching for a diamond in a sea of dick pics for most girls.”

So why do people continue to use dating apps? Why not boycott them all? Simon said meeting someone offline seemed like less and less of an option. His parents had met in a chorus a few years after college, but he couldn’t see himself pulling off something similar. “I play volleyball,” he added. “I had somebody on the volleyball team two years ago who I thought was cute, and we’d been playing together for a while.” Simon wanted to ask her out, but ultimately concluded that this would be “incredibly awkward,” even “boorish.”

At first, I wondered whether Simon was being overly genteel, or a little paranoid. But the more people I talked with, the more I came to believe that he was simply describing an emerging cultural reality. “No one approaches anyone in public anymore,” said a teacher in Northern Virginia. “The dating landscape has changed. People are less likely to ask you out in real life now, or even talk to begin with,” said a 28-year-old woman in Los Angeles who volunteered that she had been single for three years.

As romance and its beginnings are segregated from the routines of daily life, there is less and less space for elevator flirtation.

This shift seems to be accelerating amid the national reckoning with sexual assault and harassment, and a concomitant shifting of boundaries. According to a November 2017 Economist/YouGov poll, 17 percent of Americans ages 18 to 29 now believe that a man inviting a woman out for a drink “always” or “usually” constitutes sexual harassment. (Among older groups, much smaller percentages believe this.)

Laurie Mintz, who teaches a popular undergraduate class on the psychology of sexuality at the University of Florida, told me that the #MeToo movement has made her students much more aware of issues surrounding consent. She has heard from many young men who are productively reexamining their past actions and working diligently to learn from the experiences of friends and partners. But others have described less healthy reactions, like avoiding romantic overtures for fear that they might be unwelcome. In my own conversations, men and women alike spoke of a new tentativeness and hesitancy. One woman who described herself as a passionate feminist said she felt empathy for the pressure that heterosexual dating puts on men. “I think I owe it to them, in this current cultural moment particularly, to try to treat them like they’re human beings taking a risk talking to a stranger,” she wrote me. “There are a lot of lonely, confused people out there, who have no idea what to do or how to date.”

I mentioned to several of the people I interviewed for this piece that I’d met my husband in an elevator, in 2001. (We worked on different floors of the same institution, and over the months that followed struck up many more conversations—in the elevator, in the break room, on the walk to the subway.) I was fascinated by the extent to which this prompted other women to sigh and say that they’d just love to meet someone that way. And yet quite a few of them suggested that if a random guy started talking to them in an elevator, they would be weirded out. “Creeper! Get away from me,” one woman imagined thinking. “Anytime we’re in silence, we look at our phones,” explained her friend, nodding. Another woman fantasized to me about what it would be like to have a man hit on her in a bookstore. (She’d be holding a copy of her favorite book. “What’s that book?” he’d say.) But then she seemed to snap out of her reverie, and changed the subject to Sex and the City reruns and how hopelessly dated they seem. “Miranda meets Steve at a bar,” she said, in a tone suggesting that the scenario might as well be out of a Jane Austen novel, for all the relevance it had to her life.

How could various dating apps be so inefficient at their ostensible purpose—hooking people up—and still be so popular? For one thing, lots of people appear to be using them as a diversion, with limited expectations of meeting up in person. As Iris, who’s 33, told me bitterly, “They’ve gamified interaction. The majority of men on Tinder just swipe right on everybody. They say yes, yes, yes to every woman.”

Stories from other app users bear out the idea of apps as diversions rather than matchmakers. “Getting right-swiped is a good ego boost even if I have no intention of meeting someone,” one man told me. A 28-year-old woman said that she persisted in using dating apps even though she had been abstinent for three years, a fact she attributed to depression and low libido: “I don’t have much inclination to date someone.”

“After a while it just feels exactly the same as getting good at a bubble-popping game. I’m happy to be good at it, but what am I really achieving?” said an app user who described herself as abstinent by choice. Another woman wrote that she was “too lazy” to meet people, adding: “I usually download dating apps on a Tuesday when I’m bored, watching TV … I don’t try very hard.” Yet another woman said that she used an app, but only “after two glasses of white wine—then I promptly delete it after two hours of fruitless swiping.”

Many critiques of online dating, including a 2013 article by Dan Slater in The Atlantic, adapted from his book A Million First Dates, have focused on the idea that too many options can lead to “choice overload,” which in turn leads to dissatisfaction. Online daters, he argued, might be tempted to keep going back for experiences with new people; commitment and marriage might suffer. Michael Rosenfeld, a sociologist who runs a longitudinal study out of Stanford called “How Couples Meet and Stay Together,” questions this hypothesis; his research finds that couples who meet online tend to marry more quickly than other couples, a fact that hardly suggests indecision.

Maybe choice overload applies a little differently than Slater imagined. Maybe the problem is not the people who date and date some more—they might even get married, if Rosenfeld is right—but those who are so daunted that they don’t make it off the couch. This idea came up many times in my conversations with people who described sex and dating lives that had gone into a deep freeze. Some used the term paradox of choice; others referred to option paralysis (a term popularized by Black Mirror); still others invoked fobo (“fear of a better option”).

And yet online dating continues to attract users, in part because many people consider apps less stressful than the alternatives. Lisa Wade suspects that graduates of high-school or college hookup culture may welcome the fact that online dating takes some of the ambiguity out of pairing up (We’ve each opted in; I’m at least a little bit interested in you). The first time my husband and I met up outside work, neither of us was sure whether it was a date. When you find someone via an app, there’s less uncertainty.

As a 27-year-old woman in Philadelphia put it: “I have insecurities that make fun bar flirtation very stressful. I don’t like the Is he into me? moment. I use dating apps because I want it to be clear that this is a date and we are sexually interested in one another. If it doesn’t work out, fine, but there’s never a Is he asking me to hang as a friend or as a date? feeling.” Other people said they liked the fact that on an app, their first exchanges with a prospective date could play out via text rather than in a face-to-face or phone conversation, which had more potential to be awkward.

Anna, who graduated from college three years ago, told me that in school, she struggled to “read” people. Dating apps have been a helpful crutch. “There’s just no ambiguity,” she explained. “This person is interested in me to some extent.” The problem is that the more Anna uses apps, the less she can imagine getting along without them. “I never really learned how to meet people in real life,” she said. She then proceeded to tell me about a guy she knew slightly from college, whom she’d recently bumped into a few times. She found him attractive and wanted to register her interest, but wasn’t sure how to do that outside the context of a college party. Then she remembered that she’d seen his profile on Tinder. “Maybe next time I sign in,” she said, musing aloud, “I’ll just swipe right so I don’t have to do this awkward thing and get rejected.”

Apart from helping people avoid the potential embarrassments (if also, maybe, the exhilaration) of old-fashioned flirting, apps are quite useful to those who are in what economists call “thin markets”—markets with a relatively low number of participants. Sexual minorities, for example, tend to use online dating services at much higher rates than do straight people. (Michael Rosenfeld—whose survey deliberately oversampled gays and lesbians in an effort to compensate for the dearth of research on their dating experiences—finds that “unpartnered gay men and unpartnered lesbians seem to have substantially more active dating lives than do heterosexuals,” a fact he attributes partly to their successful use of apps. This disparity raises the possibility that the sex recession may be a mostly heterosexual phenomenon.)

In all dating markets, apps appear to be most helpful to the highly photogenic. As Emma, a 26-year-old virgin who sporadically tries her luck with online dating, glumly told me, “Dating apps make it easy for hot people—who already have the easiest time.” Christian Rudder, a co-founder of OkCupid (one of the less appearance-centric dating services, in that it encourages detailed written profiles), reported in 2009 that the male users who were rated most physically attractive by female users got 11 times as many messages as the lowest-rated men did; medium-rated men received about four times as many messages. The disparity was starker for women: About two-thirds of messages went to the one-third of women who were rated most physically attractive. A more recent study by researchers at the University of Michigan and the Santa Fe Institute found that online daters of both genders tend to pursue prospective mates who are on average 25 percent more desirable than they are—presumably not a winning strategy.

The very existence of online dating makes it harder for anyone to make an overture in person without seeming inappropriate.

So where does this leave us? Many online daters spend large amounts of time pursuing people who are out of their league. Few of their messages are returned, and even fewer lead to in-person contact. At best, the experience is apt to be bewildering (Why are all these people swiping right on me, then failing to follow through?). But it can also be undermining, even painful. Emma is, by her own description, fat. She is not ashamed of her appearance, and purposefully includes several full-body photos in her dating profiles. Nevertheless, men persist in swiping right on her profile only to taunt her—when I spoke with her, one guy had recently ended a text exchange by sending her a gif of an overweight woman on a treadmill.

An even bigger problem may be the extent to which romantic pursuit is now being cordoned off into a predictable, prearranged online venue, the very existence of which makes it harder for anyone, even those not using the apps, to extend an overture in person without seeming inappropriate. What a miserable impasse.

4.  Bad Sex (Painfully Bad)

One especially springlike morning in May, as Debby Herbenick and I walked her baby through a park in Bloomington, Indiana, she shared a bit of advice she sometimes offers students at Indiana University, where she is a leading sex researcher. “If you’re with somebody for the first time,” she said evenly, “don’t choke them, don’t ejaculate on their face, don’t try to have anal sex with them. These are all things that are just unlikely to go over well.”

I’d sought out Herbenick in part because I was intrigued by an article she’d written for The Washington Post proposing that the sex decline might have a silver lining. Herbenick had asked whether we might be seeing, among other things, a retreat from coercive or otherwise unwanted sex. Just a few decades ago, after all, marital rape was still legal in many states. As she pushed her daughter’s stroller, she elaborated on the idea that some of the sex recession’s causes could be a healthy reaction to bad sex—a subset of people “not having sex that they don’t want to have anymore. People feeling more empowered to say ‘No thanks.’ ”

Bloomington is the unofficial capital of American sex research, a status that dates back to the 1940s, when the Indiana University biologist Alfred Kinsey’s pioneering sex surveys inaugurated the field. It retains its standing thanks partly to the productivity of its scientists, and partly to the paucity of sex research at other institutions. In 2009, Herbenick and her colleagues launched the ongoing National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, which is only the second nationally representative survey to examine Americans’ sex lives in detail—and the first to try to chart them over time. (The previous national survey, out of the University of Chicago, was conducted just once, in 1992. Most other sex research, including Kinsey’s, has used what are known as convenience samples, which don’t represent the population at large. The long-running General Social Survey, which much of Jean Twenge’s research is based upon, is nationally representative, but poses only a few questions about sex.)

I asked Herbenick whether the NSSHB’s findings gave her any hunches about what might have changed since the 1990s. She mentioned the new popularity of sex toys, and a surge in heterosexual anal sex. Back in 1992, the big University of Chicago survey reported that 20 percent of women in their late 20s had tried anal sex; in 2012, the NSSHB found a rate twice that. She also told me about new data suggesting that, compared with previous generations, young people today are more likely to engage in sexual behaviors prevalent in porn, like the ones she warns her students against springing on a partner. All of this might be scaring some people off, she thought, and contributing to the sex decline.

“If you are a young woman,” she added, glancing down at her daughter, “and you’re having sex and somebody tries to choke you, I just don’t know if you’d want to go back for more right away.”

Some of herbenick’s most sobering research concerns the prevalence of painful sex. In 2012, 30 percent of women said they’d experienced pain the last time they’d had vaginal intercourse; during anal intercourse, 72 percent had. Whether or not these rates represent an increase (we have no basis for comparison), they are troublingly high. Moreover, most women don’t tell their partners about their pain. J. Dennis Fortenberry, the chief of adolescent medicine at Indiana University’s medical school and a co-leader of the NSSHB, believes that many girls and women have internalized the idea that physical discomfort goes with being female.

A particularly vivid illustration of this comes from Lucia O’Sullivan, a University of New Brunswick psychology professor who has published research documenting high rates of sexual dysfunction among adolescents and young adults. That work grew out of a lunch several years ago with a physician from the university’s student-health center, who told O’Sullivan that she was deeply concerned by all the vulvar fissures she and her colleagues were seeing in their student patients. These women weren’t reporting rape, but the condition of their genitals showed that they were enduring intercourse that was, literally, undesired. “They were having sex they didn’t want, weren’t aroused by,” O’Sullivan says. The physician told her that the standard of care was to hand the women K‑Y Jelly and send them on their way.

Painful sex is not new, but there’s reason to think that porn may be contributing to some particularly unpleasant early sexual experiences. Studies show that, in the absence of high-quality sex education, teen boys look to porn for help understanding sex—anal sex and other acts women can find painful are ubiquitous in mainstream porn. (This isn’t to say that anal sex has to be painful, but rather that the version most women are experiencing is.) In a series of in-depth interviews, Cicely Marston of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine found that teenage boys experimenting with anal sex—perhaps influenced by what they’ve seen in porn—may find that sudden, unlubricated penetration is more difficult than it looks, and more agonizing for the recipient. Some of her subjects appear to have pressured their partner; others seem to have resorted to what another researcher described to me, clinically, as “nonconsensual substitution of anal for vaginal sex.”

In my interviews with young women, I heard too many iterations to count of “he did something I didn’t like that I later learned is a staple in porn,” choking being one widely cited example. Outside of porn, some people do enjoy what’s known as erotic asphyxiation—they say restricting oxygen to the brain can make for more intense orgasms—but it is dangerous and ranks high on the list of things you shouldn’t do to someone unless asked to. Tess, a 31-year-old woman in San Francisco, mentioned that her past few sexual experiences had been with slightly younger men. “I’ve noticed that they tend to go for choking without prior discussion,” she said. Anna, the woman who described how dating apps could avert awkwardness, told me she’d been choked so many times that at first, she figured it was normal. “A lot of people don’t realize you have to ask,” she said.

As Marina Adshade, a professor at the University of British Columbia who studies the economics of sex and love, said to me, “Men have bad sex and good sex. But when sex is bad for women, it’s really, really bad. If women are avoiding sex, are they trying to avoid the really bad sex?”

Sex takes time to learn under the best of circumstances, and these are not the best of circumstances. Modeling your behavior after what you’ve seen on-screen can lead to what’s known as “spectatoring”—that is, worrying about how you look and sound while you’re having sex, a behavior the sex researchers William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson long ago posited was bad for sexual functioning. Some young women told me they felt pressured to emulate porn actresses—and to achieve orgasm from penetration alone, which most women can’t do. “It took me a while to be comfortable with the fact that I don’t have to be as vocal during sex as the girls seem to be in porn,” a 24-year-old woman in Boston said. A 31-year-old in Phoenix explained that in her experience, porn has made men “expect that they can make any woman orgasm by just pounding away.”

Learning sex in the context of one-off hookups isn’t helping either. Research suggests that, for most people, casual sex tends to be less physically pleasurable than sex with a regular partner. Paula England, a sociologist at NYU who has studied hookup culture extensively, attributes this partly to the importance of “partner-specific sexual skills”—that is, knowing what your partner likes. For women, especially, this varies greatly. One study found that while hooking up with a new partner, only 31 percent of men and 11 percent of women reached orgasm. (By contrast, when people were asked about their most recent sexual encounter in the context of a relationship, 84 percent of men and 67 percent of women said they’d had an orgasm.) Other studies have returned similar results. Of course, many people enjoy encounters that don’t involve orgasms—a third of hookups don’t include acts that could reasonably be expected to lead to one—but the difference between the two contexts is striking. If young people are delaying serious relationships until later in adulthood, more and more of them may be left without any knowledge of what good sex really feels like.

As I was reporting this piece, quite a few people told me that they were taking a break from sex and dating. This tracks with research by Lucia O’Sullivan, who finds that even after young adults’ sex lives start up, they are often paused for long periods of time. Some people told me of sexual and romantic dormancy triggered by assault or depression; others talked about the decision to abstain as if they were taking a sabbatical from an unfulfilling job.

Late one afternoon in February, I met up with Iris, the woman who remarked to me that Tinder had been “gamified,” at the Lemon Collective, a design studio and workshop space in the Petworth neighborhood of Washington, D.C. The collective hosts DIY and design classes as well as courses geared toward the wellness of Millennial women; Valentine’s Day had been celebrated with a wildly oversubscribed real-estate workshop called “House Before Spouse.” (“We don’t need partners to be financially savvy and create personal wealth,” the event’s description said. “Wine and cheese will be served, obviously.”)

As we chatted (over, obviously, wine), Iris despaired at the quality of her recent sexual interactions. “I had such bad sex yesterday, my God, it was so bad,” she said wearily. “He basically got it in and—” She banged a fist against her palm at a furious tempo. It was the first time she’d slept with this man, whom she had met on Tinder, and she wondered aloud whether she could coach him. She was doubtful, though; he was in his 30s—old enough, she thought, to know better.

Iris observed that her female friends, who were mostly single, were finding more and more value in their friendships. “I’m 33, I’ve been dating forever, and, you know, women are better,” she said. “They’re just better.” She hastened to add that men weren’t bad; in fact, she hated how anti-male the conversations around her had grown. Still, she and various platonic female friends—most of whom identified as straight—were starting to play roles in one another’s lives that they might not be playing if they had fulfilling romantic or sexual relationships. For instance, they’d started trading lesbian-porn recommendations, and were getting to know one another’s preferences pretty well. Several women also had a text chain going in which they exchanged nude photos of themselves. “It’s nothing but positivity,” she said, describing the complimentary texts they’d send one another in reply to a photo (“Damn, girl, your tits!”). She wasn’t ready to swear off men entirely. But, she said, “I want good sex.” Or at least, she added, “pretty good sex.”

5. Inhibition

“Millennials don’t like to get naked—if you go to the gym now, everyone under 30 will put their underwear on under the towel, which is a massive cultural shift,” Jonah Disend, the founder of the branding consultancy Redscout, told Bloomberglast year. He said that designs for master-bedroom suites were evolving for much the same reason: “They want their own changing rooms and bathrooms, even in a couple.” The article concluded that however “digitally nonchalant” Millennials might seem—an allusion, maybe, to sexting—“they’re prudish in person.” Fitness facilities across the country are said to be renovating locker rooms in response to the demands of younger clients. “Old-timers, guys that are 60-plus, have no problem with a gang shower,” one gym designer told The New York Times, adding that Millennials require privacy.

Some observers have suggested that a new discomfort with nudity might stem from the fact that, by the mid-1990s, most high schools had stopped requiring students to shower after gym class. Which makes sense—the less time you spend naked, the less comfortable you are being naked. But people may also be newly worried about what they look like naked. A large and growing body of research reports that for both men and women, social-media use is correlated with body dissatisfaction. And a major Dutch study found that among men, frequency of pornography viewing was associated with concern about penis size. I heard much the same from quite a few men (“too hairy, not fit enough, not big enough in terms of penis size,” went one morose litany). According to research by Debby Herbenick, how people feel about their genitals predicts sexual functioning—and somewhere between 20 and 25 percent of people, perhaps influenced by porn or plastic-surgery marketing, feel negatively. The business of labiaplasty has become so lucrative, she told me in an email, “that you will actually see billboards (yes, billboards!) in some cities advertising it.”

As one might imagine, feeling comfortable in your body is good for your sex life. A review of 57 studies examining the relationship between women’s body image and sexual behavior suggests that positive body image is linked to having better sex. Conversely, not feeling comfortable in your own skin complicates sex. If you don’t want your partner to see you getting out of the shower, how is oral sex going to work?

Maybe, for some people, it isn’t. The 2017 iteration of Match.com’s Singles in America survey (co-led by Helen Fisher and the Kinsey Institute’s Justin Garcia) found that single Millennials were 66 percent less likely than members of older generations to enjoy receiving oral sex. Which doesn’t bode particularly well for female pleasure: Among partnered sex acts, cunnilingus is one of the surest ways for women to have orgasms.

Ian Kerner, the New York sex therapist, told me that he works with a lot of men who would like to perform oral sex but are rebuffed by their partner. “I know the stereotype is often that men are the ones who don’t want to perform it, but I find the reverse,” he said. “A lot of women will say when I’m talking to them privately, ‘I just can’t believe that a guy wants to be down there, likes to do that. It’s the ugliest part of my body.’ ” When I asked 20-somethings about oral sex, a pretty sizable minority of women sounded a similar note. “Receiving makes me nervous. It feels more intimate than penetration,” wrote one woman. “I become so self-conscious and find it difficult to enjoy,” wrote another.

Over the past 20 years, the way sex researchers think about desire and arousal has broadened from an initially narrow focus on stimulus to one that sees inhibition as equally, if not more, important. (The term inhibition, for these purposes, means anything that interferes with or prevents arousal, ranging from poor self-image to distractedness.) In her book Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, who trained at the Kinsey Institute, compares the brain’s excitement system to the gas pedal in a car, and its inhibition system to the brakes. The first turns you on; the second turns you off. For many people, research suggests, the brakes are more sensitive than the accelerator.

That turn-offs matter more than turn-ons may sound commonsensical, but in fact, this insight is at odds with most popular views of sexual problems. When people talk about addressing a lack of desire, they tend to focus on fuel, or stimulation—erotica, Viagra, the K‑Y Jelly they were handing out at the New Brunswick student-health center. These things are helpful to many people in many cases, but they won’t make you want to have sex if your brakes are fully engaged.

In my interviews, inhibition seemed a constant companion to many people who’d been abstinent for a long time. Most of them described abstinence not as something they had embraced (due to religious belief, say) so much as something they’d found themselves backed into as a result of trauma, anxiety, or depression. Dispiritingly but unsurprisingly, sexual assault was invoked by many of the women who said they’d opted out of sex. The other two factors come as no great shock either: Rates of anxiety and depression have been rising among Americans for decades now, and by some accounts have risen quite sharply of late among people in their teens and 20s. Anxiety suppresses desire for most people. And, in a particularly unfortunate catch‑22, both depression and the antidepressants used to treat it can also reduce desire.

“I have a therapist and this is one of the main things we’re working on,” a 28-year-old woman I’ll call April wrote to me, by way of explaining that, owing to intense anxiety, she’d never slept with anyone or been in a relationship. “I’ve had a few kisses & gone to second base (as the kids say) and it really has never been good for me.” When we later spoke by phone, she told me that in adolescence, she’d been shy, overweight, and “very, very afraid of boys.” April isn’t asexual (she gives thanks for her Magic Bullet vibrator). She’s just terrified of intimacy. From time to time she goes on dates with men she meets through her job in the book industry or on an app, but when things get physical, she panics. “I jumped out of someone’s car once to avoid him kissing me,” she said miserably. As we were ending the conversation, she mentioned to me a story by the British writer Helen Oyeyemi, which describes an author of romance novels who is secretly a virgin. “She doesn’t have anyone, and she’s just stuck. It’s kind of a fairy tale—she lives in the garret of a large, old house, writing these romantic stories over and over, but nothing ever happens for her. I think about her all the time.”

In exchanges like these, I was struck by what a paralyzing and vicious cycle unhappiness and abstinence can be. The data show that having sex makes people happier (up to a point, at least; for those in relationships, more than once a week doesn’t seem to bring an additional happiness bump). Yet unhappiness inhibits desire, in the process denying people who are starved of joy one of its potential sources. Are rising rates of unhappiness contributing to the sex recession? Almost certainly. But mightn’t a decline in sex and intimacy also be leading to unhappiness?

Moreover, what research we have on sexually inactive adults suggests that, for those who desire a sex life, there may be such a thing as waiting too long. Among people who are sexually inexperienced at age 18, about 80 percent will become sexually active by the time they are 25. But those who haven’t gained sexual experience by their mid-20s are much less likely to ever do so. The authors of a 2009 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine speculated that “if a man or woman has not had intercourse by age 25, there is a reasonable chance [he or she] will remain a virgin at least until age 45.” Research by Stanford’s Michael Rosenfeld confirms that, in adulthood, true singledom is a far more stable category than most of us have imagined. Over the course of a year, he reports, only 50 percent of heterosexual single women in their 20s go on any dates—and older women are even less likely to do so.

Other sources of sexual inhibition speak distinctly to the way we live today. For example, sleep deprivation strongly suppresses desire—and sleep quality is imperiled by now-common practices like checking one’s phone overnight. (For women, getting an extra hour of sleep predicts a 14 percent greater likelihood of having sex the next day.) In her new book, Better Sex Through Mindfulness, Lori Brotto, an obstetrics-and-gynecology professor at the University of British Columbia, reviews lab research showing that background distraction of the sort we’re all swimming in now likewise dampens arousal, in both men and women.

How can such little things—a bad night’s sleep, low-grade distraction—defeat something as fundamental as sex? One answer, which I heard from a few quarters, is that our sexual appetites are meant to be easily extinguished. The human race needs sex, but individual humans don’t.

Among the contradictions of our time is this: We live in unprecedented physical safety, and yet something about modern life, very recent modern life, has triggered in many of us autonomic responses associated with danger—anxiety, constant scanning of our surroundings, fitful sleep. Under these circumstances, survival trumps desire. As Emily Nagoski likes to point out, nobody ever died of sexlessness: “We can starve to death, die of dehydration, even die of sleep deprivation. But nobody ever died of not being able to get laid.”

When Toys “R” Us announced this spring—after saying it had been struggling because of falling birth rates—that it would be shutting down, some observers mordantly remarked that it could be added to the list of things that Millennials had destroyed.

Societal changes have a way of inspiring generational pessimism. Other writers, examining the same data I’ve looked at, have produced fretful articles about the future; critics have accused them of stoking panic. And yet there are real causes for concern. One can quibble—if one cares to—about exactly why a particular toy retailer failed. But there’s no escaping that the American birth rate has been falling for a decade.

At first, the drop was attributed to the Great Recession, and then to the possibility that Millennial women were delaying motherhood rather than forgoing it. But a more fundamental change may be under way. In 2017, the U.S. birth rate hit a record low for a second year running. Birth rates are declining among women in their 30s—the age at which everyone supposed more Millennials would start families. As a result, some 500,000 fewer American babies were born in 2017 than in 2007, even though more women were of prime childbearing age. Over the same period, the number of children the average American woman is expected to have fell from 2.1 (the so-called replacement rate, or fertility level required to sustain population levels without immigration) to 1.76. If this trend does not reverse, the long-term demographic and fiscal implications will be significant.

A more immediate concern involves the political consequences of loneliness and alienation. Take for example the online hate and real-life violence waged by the so-called incels—men who claim to be “involuntarily celibate.” Their grievances, which are illegitimate and vile, offer a timely reminder that isolated young people are vulnerable to extremism of every sort. See also the populist discontent roiling Europe, driven in part by adults who have so far failed to achieve the milestones of adulthood: In Italy, half of 25-to-34-year-olds now live with their parents.

When I began working on this story, I expected that these big-picture issues might figure prominently within it. I was pretty sure I’d hear lots of worry about economic insecurity and other contributors to a generally precarious future. I also imagined, more hopefully, a fairly lengthy inquiry into the benefits of loosening social conventions, and of less couple-centric pathways to a happy life. But these expectations have mostly fallen to the side, and my concerns have become more basic.

Humans’ sexual behavior is one of the things that distinguish us from other species: Unlike most apes, and indeed most animals, humans have sex at times and in configurations that make conception not just unlikely but impossible (during pregnancy, menopause, and other infertile periods; with same-sex partners; using body parts that have never issued babies and never will). As a species, we are “bizarre in our nearly continuous practice of sex,” writes the UCLA professor Jared Diamond, who has studied the evolution of human sexuality. “Along with posture and brain size, sexuality completes the trinity of the decisive aspects in which the ancestors of humans and great apes diverged.” True, nobody ever died of not getting laid, but getting laid has proved adaptive over millions of years: We do it because it is fun, because it bonds us to one another, because it makes us happy.

A fulfilling sex life is not necessary for a good life, of course, but lots of research confirms that it contributes to one. Having sex is associated not only with happiness, but with a slew of other health benefits. The relationship between sex and wellness, perhaps unsurprisingly, goes both ways: The better off you are, the better off your sex life is, and vice versa. Unfortunately, the converse is true as well. Not having a partner—sexual or romantic—can be both a cause and an effect of discontent. Moreover, as American social institutions have withered, having a life partner has become a stronger predictor than ever of well-being.

Like economic recessions, the sex recession will probably play out in ways that are uneven and unfair. Those who have many things going for them already—looks, money, psychological resilience, strong social networks—continue to be well positioned to find love and have good sex and, if they so desire, become parents. But intimacy may grow more elusive to those who are on less steady footing.

When, over the course of my reporting, people in their 20s shared with me their hopes and fears and inhibitions, I sometimes felt pangs of recognition. Just as often, though, I was taken aback by what seemed like heartbreaking changes in the way many people were relating—or not relating—to one another. I am not so very much older than the people I talked with for this story, and yet I frequently had the sense of being from a different time.

Sex seems more fraught now. This problem has no single source; the world has changed in so many ways, so quickly. In time, maybe, we will rethink some things: The abysmal state of sex education, which was once a joke but is now, in the age of porn, a disgrace. The dysfunctional relationships so many of us have with our phones and social media, to the detriment of our relationships with humans. Efforts to “protect” teenagers from most everything, including romance, leaving them ill-equipped for both the miseries and the joys of adulthood.

In October, as I was finishing this article, I spoke once more with April, the woman who took comfort in the short story about the romance novelist who was secretly a virgin. She told me that, since we’d last talked, she’d met a man on Tinder whom she really liked. They’d gone on several dates over the summer, and fooled around quite a bit. As terrified as she had been about getting physically and emotionally intimate with another person, she found, to her surprise, that she loved it: “I never thought I would feel that comfortable with someone. It was so much better than I thought it was going to be.”

As things progressed, April figured that, in the name of real intimacy, she should explain to the man that she hadn’t yet had sex. The revelation didn’t go over well. “I told him I was a virgin. And he broke up with me. Beforehand, I figured that was the worst thing that could happen. And then it happened. The worst thing happened.” She paused, and when she spoke again her voice was steadier and more assured. “But I’m still here.”

[onisionhurtspeople]

i’m 100% for lainey labeling their gender in whatever way feels right for them, dressing however feels right, and using whatever pronouns feel right. i’m not gonna doubt or question their identity or anyone else’s. what rubs me the wrong way is how they emulate and almost fetishize the “teen” aesthetic. when they’ve said they look like a 12 year old boy and implied that it was attractive/hot/a good thing, i was kinda creeped out. idk how to explain it but i think it sends a really bad message.

Ah, yeah, that’s another thing I’ve been considering writing about for a while: how much Lainey seems to fetishize adolescence. Get ready for another one of my pointless tl;drs that nobody ever reads or cares about, y’all!

If Lainey was removed from the context surrounding the reasons why we all spend so much time scrutinizing her behavior in the first place, I doubt most people would have a problem with the fact that she seems almost pathologically obsessed with portraying herself as a 15-year-old girl in both style and personality, rather than as the 23-year-old wife and mother of two that she is. 

But the issue, of course, is that Lainey’s preferences do not exist in a vacuum; they mean something, and that’s what we’re here to analyze. She is married to a man who fetishizes teenage girls himself, because they’re easier to control and manipulate. She indulges in, and relates to, a culture that heavily emphasizes youth and immaturity (referring to boyfriends as “daddy”, having a DDlg (Daddy Dom/little girl) fetish, being “taken care of” by men (and treated like a little princess in bed), constantly alluding to not knowing what they’re doing in life, assuming a guileless pose in selfies that reflect a certain youthful confusion and spontaneity, constantly referencing their childlike habits (”touch my butt and buy me pizza”, “I have no idea what I’m doing”, “im a crybaby” flavors of meme), dressing like a 12-year-old in overalls, children’s Pokemon panties, and pastel-colored hair and clothing with simplistic, childlike patterns, etc - not that I think there’s anything inherently wrong with any of these things, but all of these pieces of the puzzle fit together to paint the picture of a person who is unhealthily obsessed with living out their life as a teenager. You guys know the ~aesthetic~ that I’m trying to drive at here).

She indulges in cultural trends targeted towards children and young teens. Her entire personality revolves around sensitivity, helplessness, passivity; she exudes anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion; and openly discusses being so sensitive that she becomes completely overwhelmed by even the most simple of tasks that adults are expected to be able to do. And again, I’m not saying that these are inherently negative traits (although obviously when these qualities run your life, it can become problematic); but Lainey seems almost proud of these traits. She’s more than just open about it. She brags about them. She romanticizes them. She constructs elaborate internal fantasies around them. Her entire identity revolves around being a ~smol sensitive anxious space prince daddy~. 

On top of all these things, almost everybody that she hangs out with or considers to be her friend (from Sarah, who lives with her, all the way down to the girls who she interacts with on Discord) is a teenager. She does not speak to women her own age. It’s bizarre. I used to have a friend who was quite a bit younger than me, by three and a half years - the first time we met in real life was on her 16th birthday, and I was 19, almost 20; and despite the fact that we were best friends and that I had so many other friends my own age, there was a very obvious and noticeable difference in our maturity levels. I’m not saying that uneven friendships like this can’t work or are inherently inappropriate, but again, within the context of Lainey’s life, it’s an enormous red flag that she seems to be unable to relate with women her own age, and can only form friendships with teenage girls between the ages of 15 and 21. Even outside of the context of her marriage (because let’s not forget that she’s married to a man who openly admits to having a sexual preference for young women, because they’re at “peak fertility” according to him), the fact that she relates the most with teenage girls is a huge indication that Lainey herself is either a) extremely mature, b) purposely seeks to enter uneven friendships with younger girls because it balances the friendship in her favor, giving her more power and control (which wouldn’t surprise me if true, given that she’s married to Onision - she needs to be able to exercise control in SOME way), c) is emotionally stunted and frozen at the age of ~18 due to Onision’s influence on her psychological development, or d) a sexual predator who herself prefers teenage girls. I’m sure everybody has their own theory on why this is, but personally I think it’s probably a mixture of all four, with option c being the most prominent motivation. 

I think Lainey projects herself onto teenage girls because she feels very much unprepared for this world, threatened by it, and does not trust her own ability to navigate adulthood successfully. In this regard, I think Greg managed to find almost a perfect partner for himself - a girl who is trapped in her adolescence in perpetuity (largely by choice, but partly through direction by Onision), who purposely cuts herself off from growing and learning and emerging as a young adult because it’s less dangerous and challenging for her to remain within her psychological safe zone, being coddled like a baby and completely controlled and taken care of by Greg, who looks after all of the hard things in her life that she struggles with (doing taxes, making money, going outside to get groceries, paying bills, interacting with strangers, making appointments, earning a living wage) - all of the practical, adult things that Lainey is terrified of doing, because it’s so overwhelming to her. Greg, of course, loves this. Lainey is his ideal partner: a woman who needs to be with a man like him, who defines her entire identity for her. A man who directs her, tells her what to do, is domineering and aggressive, and who makes all of her decisions for her. Tells her what to do, who to be, what to feel, how to act. A man who has complete control over every aspect of her life. A narcissist (him) and an inverted narcissist, or codependent (her). 

And so this is why Lainey is so obsessed with portraying herself as a teenager. Teenagers hit that sweet spot in between childhood and adulthood that Lainey feels trapped by in perpetuity. On the one hand, she is not a child - she is a sexual being; she has kinks, and preferences, and desires to express herself and her sexual identity. On the other hand, though, neither is she an adult - she is immature, self-absorbed, has an unstable sense of self, doesn’t know who she is, hypersensitive, anxious, gets overwhelmed easily, indulges often in her learned helplessness, and makes no attempt to change any of this - she revels in her dysfunction; she romanticizes it. And there is no age that typifies this combination of traits better than a teenage girl does. She doesn’t just relate to teenagers; she wants to be a teenager, forever–and in some ways, she really is, because the interference of Greg on Lainey’s emotional, psychological, social, and sexual growth has had a catastrophic impact on her development. She is essentially a 16-year-old girl trapped within the body of a 23-year-old mother of two. And that’s exactly what she wants. 

I think what’s ultimately going to be what destroys Greg and Lainey’s marriage is that eventually, Lainey is going to be too old for Greg, and he’s going to feel compelled to pick up another 17-, 18-, and 19-year-old girl again from his existing pool of die-hard fans. Already it’s quite apparent that Greg is bored of Lainey (as evidenced by the fact that he is still actively trying to find women to cheat on her with, even after what happened with Billie); but once the cost of maintaining her becomes more expensive than the cost of replacing her with a new, hot, young, alternative, impressionable teenage girl, he will do what he tried to do once before with Billie, and eject Lainey in favor of a new wife to manipulate. And the whole process will start all over again, until the day that either Greg dies, or he becomes incapable of drawing in new women. And at that point, sadly, the fact that Lainey is still a teenager - but only on the inside - will end up becoming the most painful struggle of her life, when she is forced to take on all of the adult responsibilities that Greg currently carries for her, and realizes that she is dangerously under-qualified to live her life as an adult woman instead of a pampered, permanent 16-year-old girl. 

(Sadly - or maybe luckily - I think that Lainey is the type of woman who needs to be in a relationship with someone like Greg (an inverted narcissist; in other words, a codependent), so I guess here’s to hoping that when this inevitably happens, she will quickly find herself a new narcissist to date and define her entire identity for her, I suppose?)

Press F to pay respects for this ridiculously, unnecessarily long fucking essay that I just wrote that NOBODY is going to read. Praise the Noodle Lord. Amen. 

[jkfortunekookies]

The First Time With Jeon Jungkook

Genre : Fluff, romance,comedy,implicit language,sexual innuendos Pairing:Jungkook x reader Length: 29K words Summary : This is a series based on all of your first times with jungkook, from your childhood till adulthood

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7

PART 8

Tell me your thoughts in the comments and ask box :)

THE FIRST TIME YOU CONFESSED TO EACH OTHER

2 days ago, Lusty&Nancy Bar, L.A, 00:42 AM

The scent of alcohol and smoke was heavy as Jungkook was drinking his last shot of martini before collapsing on her lap. She chuckled as she ran her soft fingers through his raven hair. Those majestic looking lips, that gorgeous nose and long lashes, could drive any girl insane at his sight, but only one girl could drive the latter over the edge. He untied his tie as he dropped it on the cold ground before making himself at home, sleeping on her lap. Jungkook was never completely drunk, but had this tendency to collapse at random moments and wake up randomly just to take off his clothes. He sniffled a few times before grabbing onto the soft hand that was caressing his ears.

“I missed you….” he murmured half coherently “…Y/N”

The girl’s face fell into a scowl as she heard your name coming out of his beautiful lips, one more time. Every time, it would be the same story. He would hit her up, they would talk for a few hours and he would end up drunk, sleeping on her lap. Who was she? His business partner Park Sooyoung. Tall, brunette, pretty and a bright future ahead of her. She made heads turn by her presence only. Being a year older than Jungkook, she often talked informally to him even if he was her superior. She never had any feelings towards the boy, but she couldn’t help but feel irritated every time he mentioned your unknown name before casually sleeping on her lap.

“Y/N… I really wonder who she is, for turning him into a mess” she sighed

“Sooyoung-ssi” Jungkook’s eyes suddenly sprung open “Do you think she still remembers me?” he unbuttons the first buttons of his dress shirt “Sometimes, I keep on wondering… if she actually cares about me?”

“Jungkook, I would like to give you an answer but—“

“It’s Mr. Jeon for you” he pointed at her before erupting in a fit of giggles “We’re still workmates remember?”

“Right… only workmates” she clenched her fist

“Mr. Jeon sounds like a sexier title as well. Right? How about Director Jeon?” he ran a hand through his hair before crouching his shoulders “That’s supposed to be my future title…” he grabbed her hand in his “Do you think I can do this?”

“I think the question should be: Do you want to do this?” she replied in a heartbroken tone

“You are right…” he laid his head back on her lap “What do I even want?” he laid the back of his hand on his forehead “I just want to go back home” he felt a tear slipping from his eyes

“Should I bring you back home?” Sooyoung smiled at him

The word home had a different meaning in Sooyoung’s suggestive context

 ….

Today, Dorms at Seoul University, 12:32 PM

You were sipping on your lemon tea as it was the start of a new semester in your area. You and your friends were about to have a blast for the last remaining weeks of summer before tackling another stressful term. It might’ve been your second year at Seoul University, but you never felt more than welcomed whenever stopping by campus. You’d usually go back home during the summers and get back to the dorms during the school year, but this year it was quite different, as you had to get back to the dorm earlier. Something about a change of roommates was occurring in your department. The dean’s daughter made a fuss about wanting to change rooms so they had to rearrange the rooms. Knowing that you were the only scholarship student in the residence building, they chose to make you move out to make more space for the new tenant.

“That little brat, I swear to god, she’s so spoiled and idiot” Jimin groaned as he watched you pack your belongings

“Don’t say that, Jimin” you nudged his arm “I mean, she does have a right to do this. She’s still the dean’s, one and only daughter.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that her IQ is lower than Hoseok’s grades. I despise people of her type the most”

“Why do you hate on her so much?”

“Because she ruined your summer! You had to get on a 3 hours train ride to pick up your stuff Y/N. Why can’t you realize that she’s an annoying brat? She purposely made you move your ass from your vacation break to come in town.”

“She probably didn’t mean it that way! I actually decided to drop by in advance, so stop it” you patted his arm

“Still doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave your room” Jimin rubbed his temples “Damn you, stupid Park Chaeyoung”

“I always thought she had something for you though…” you raised a brow at him “Like a tiny crush?” you winked

“W-What?! Whoah, that’s the best joke I’ve heard in a century” Jimin flushed a slight tint of red “Girls like her are what I want to avoid the most.” He scoffed “In the last two years I’ve lived on campus, I never saw a girl as whiny and as spoiled as her. Do you realize that her majesty has a personal slave that holds her goddamn haute couture Gucci bag? Even Taehyung who owns the whole Gucci collection doesn’t do that kind of shit”

“But still, she asked nicely” you replied “It’s her last year before leaving for Ireland. That’s the least I can do to help her, as a student”

“That’s the problem with you Y/N” Jimin pointed at you “You’re way too f*cking nice to be real.”

“Come on, it’s just a room” you rolled your eyes

“You’re moving to the science department dorms! Do you realize how creepy most of these guys are?”

“I always thought they were brilliant though “you grabbed your clothes “Namjoon Sunbae is such a cutie. He was the best T.A I ever had in my years here”

“Namjoon is an exception, I’m talking about the weird guys who are in the engineering department. They always become weird as f*ck around finals.” Jimin sighed “They apparently become crazy because of their work load. Take Yuta for example! He didn’t even last a semester in there! He gave up halfway and changed programs” He sighed “These poor beings.”

“Oh, are you talking about those weird rumors of them being perverts? The boys who are taking engineering at Seoul U, are cute though, well that’s what I always thought” you commented “They’re not crazy”

“Okay yes, they seem all normal, but that’s because you’re a girl. They won’t show you their real nature” Jimin pressed his back on the wall

“What about you? Mr. Psychology. Stop digging too far inside my brain with your manipulative talks” you stared at him

“What are you talking about?”

“Why are you so concerned about me, talking to the boys in engineering?” you raised a suspicious brow “Is it Jungkook who told you to look out for me, again?”

“Well yes but no. I’m looking out for you because you’re my friend, you little marshmallow “he pinched your cheek

“Owww?!” you squeaked

“You’re too cute for your own good, young lady” Jimin shook his head ‘’ If Jungkook saw this, he’d probably nut’’ he muttered and you caught on.

“Uhm Thank you? But Why would he nut over this?’’ you raised a brow

‘’ You know how much he despise your cuteness? Remember how he pushed you off of him at the airport two years ago, because you wouldn’t stop clinging onto him?’’

‘’T-That was b-because … I didn’t want to let him go’’ you sighed

‘’ Exactly why it was difficult for him to ever get on his flight.’’ He added “I mean, what kind of girl throws a tantrum over her friend, on the day of his flight?” Jimin chuckled

“I was just making sure he’d remember me, okay?!” You pushed Jimin ‘’ I haven’t heard from him, in such a long time’’ you blew air on your bangs

‘’ He’s probably busy working or studying” Jimin replied “Jungkook is now his father’s manager assistant, remember?”

“I know, b-but… we haven’t talked for months now” you grabbed your shoes from the closet I wonder if he already forgot… about me” your world was slowly shattering

“What are you saying now, you little dummy!” Jimin ruffled your hair “Jungkook would never forget you! You’re thinking too much for nothing. Jungkook is just very…busy nowadays? He needs a breather and a break”

“ That’s what you’ve been telling me for the past three months , Jimin” you stared at him “ He’s probably never coming back and judging from his Instagram pictures, I doubt he’s in the mood to come back” you added in a salty tone

“Insta? What happened on his insta page?”

“Well, I don’t know, maybe he’s too busy drinking with his new favorite Park Sooyoung? You know what’s more annoying about this? It’s not the fact that he’s been drinking and partying with random girls, but the fact that he’s never answering my calls, but still bothers to post these pictures, as if he wanted to rub it in my face.”

“ That’s very weird” Jimin furrowed his brows as he grabbed his phone to scroll through his Instagram feed “Don’t tell me the American air got to him?” Jimin  face palmed “This little bastard should know better than to play around like this.”

“You know what’s more annoying about this?” you added “I actually miss him a load more every time I see him posting a picture of him having a good time. I wish I was there with him…”

“Child, come here” Taehyung suddenly pulled you by your arm as you landed head against his chest

“Sweet baby Jesus, Where do you COME FROM?!” you gasped as Taehyung randomly hugged you

“I’m a god who teleports” he winked at you

“Seems like your brain cells like to teleport as well, I haven’t seen them being functional in a while” Jimin smirked as he pressed his back onto the wall

“Touché” Taehyung commented “My brain stopped functioning ever since my girlfriend left for Stanford university” he faked a sob “ I miss her so much, I feel like dying” he leaned his head onto your shoulder

“I thought you were supposed to meet up with Lisa in a few days? Didn’t she said she’d drop by campus soon?” you blinked as you patted Taehyung’s hair

“She’s too busy working on a design specimen that came in weeks ago. She’s such a brilliant waffle, she got herself an internship for the summer and she’s working with Alegro Sportanov on his winter clothes collection.  I doubt she’d ever waste money to drop by here and see my pitiful self. My girlfriend is aiming to become a designer, and me?! I’m still crying over how difficult it is to keep grades from going downhill”

“Why don’t you try changing programs? I thought you hated being in social sciences? Why not go for Web design instead? You spend your days editing things for the school’s journal.”

“I’m afraid they might not take me in, because of my grades”

“That’s why I told your ass, to study harder!” Jimin shook his head in disbelief “This is not a game anymore Tae, the second your fail a course, it automatically f*cks your average.”

“And lose all of your scholarships” you sighed “but I guess you won’t have to worry about this, right? You got a few modelling contracts with Gucci, so I guess it cancels out. Hey, maybe you could try auditioning for a full time position?”

“M-Me? Full time model? They’d never allow such a thing to happen” Taehyung sat on your bed

“But you still worked as a part-time model for Gucci last year”

“Being a part time model is not the same at all. I’m just a normal looking citizen compared to these other experimented models. I might look pitiful”

“Just a normal looking citizen?!” jimin’s jaw dropped “If you call yourself that way, then I wonder what the f*ck I’m supposed to look like?”

“If he’s a normal looking citizen, then I’m a parasite” you pouted “You were the best looking amongst the other models on that magazine. You have that natural flair it takes to be in front of the camera” you ruffled his hair

“Don’t say that! You guys really overestimate my looks! I’m just…a regular looking guy next to these other models” he sighed

“At least half of them went under the knives, yet you still look better than them, naturally? How better looking do you want to get? You might make girls cry with your stupid symmetrical face. I wonder how Lisa bears with this kind of annoying perfection” Jimin smacked his friend’s head

“You guys really think that I-I could m-m-make it in the world of modelling?” Taehyung stuttered

“Anything is possible as long as you believe in your dreams” you smiled “The worst that could happen is for you to give up on your dream and let others belittle your efforts. “ You added “And maybe… You could be the model who’d get to wear Lisa’s first official creations? Imagine modelling for your girlfriend’s line of clothing? How amazing would that be?!” you held on his hand

“I-I’d love that” he smiled shyly

“This lucky mofo” Jimin fist bumped Taehyung’s shoulder

“Well maybe if your standards didn’t reach the sky, you’d have a cute girlfriend too, Park Jimin” you raise a playful brow

“I’m not into relationships. As a diplomatic individual, I believe it’s my duty to remain within people of my range.”

“And what is your range?” you asked

“Brilliant humans?” Jimin chuckled “I only hooked up with smart girls so far, but they get boring most of the times…”

“Maybe you should start off by asking something else than ‘what is your major’ when meeting a girl? It’s quite a turn off in some cases” you chuckled

“T-That’s because I don’t want to be deceived. What she ends up being an airhead?”

“Your diploma doesn’t even determine your intelligence, Jimin” you sighed “You should know that more than anyone else. Your degree isn’t necessarily a reflection of your abilities. People have so much more to show than their ability to learn things by heart and write them down on their finals paper sheet. ”

“She has a point bro” Taehyung nodded

“I don’t know, I just want a girl, I can connect with, on a deeper level. “Jimin tried arguing

“Well maybe it’s not a brain you need, but someone who’s exciting?” Taehyung chewed on his bubble gum “Brains are not all of that, buddy” he nudged Jimin “Take Park Chaeyoung for example? She’s fun to be around. She might not be aiming to become a lawyer or a doctor, but her voice man… her voice is everything”

“Not that girl again” Jimin rolled his eyes “Now what? Her voice? That girl is so annoying and tell me about her tendencies to act all cute around her daddy, when in reality she’s a spoiled little princess—“ Jimin was about to retort as you pressed your index on his lips to stop him from babbling further

It didn’t take long before Jimin took notice of the foreign presence in the room. Park Chaeyoung, the dean’s daughter just entered the room. Jimin only had to look at her once, to realize that her outfit alone, was probably as pricey as the amount of money spent on two consecutive semesters at this university.

“Am I disturbing you guys?” Chaeyoung bite on her bottom lip

“Oh hey Chaeyoung!” you smiled at her “I’m packing up my stuff”

“I’m sorry for all of this” she held her head low “I never thought my dad would do such a thing” she commented “I only wanted to move in this residence for the rest of my school year, I never thought they’d ever kick you out like this”

“No worries! I’m all good” you added “I mean, I’m excited about moving to a new dorm. It might be more exciting there”

“More exciting? You’re moving to the worst dorm on campus Y/N” Jimin face palmed “Because of some people.” He stared at Chaeyoung “Shouldn’t you people, sleep in luxury where you should?” he stepped closer to her “Why are you suddenly feeling this urge to trample in the world of commoners?” he took a step forward

“Park JIMIN” you gritted your teeth “Stop being a brat” you elbowed him

“Why? Am I not saying the truth?’’ he stared at you before glaring at Chaeyoung “ Do you think we’re the same as you, Park Chaeyoung?” he raised a brow as he stepped closer and Chaeyoung stepped back

“I believe you might be misunderstanding something—“chaeyoung furrowed her brows

“What is there to misunderstand? You basically had to ring your little bell and oops! Y/N had to move out of her room.” he chuckled heartlessly “You really like ruining lives, huh?”

“I beg to differ. You do not know me nor do you have a say in this. I never intended on doing anything of this sort. You don’t even know me, yet you’re concluding all kinds of things” she lifted up her head to stare at the boy

“I don’t even need to think twice before concluding that spoiled little brats like you are always calling for drama and trouble” Jimin stepped closer

“A-Aren’t you the one who’s searching f-for trouble right now?” her cheeks turned a slight shade of red as Jimin’s nose brushed against hers

“Seems like her Majesty is getting nervous around a commoner like me?” Jimin laughed as he stepped back “It’s almost cute” he chuckled sexily

Side comments from you and Taehyung

__

“What is going on between these two?” you whispered to Taehyung

“Jimin is probably internally melting over how cute Chaeyoung is?” Taehyung blinked “I mean, she’s pretty adorable when she blushes, no lie—“he gasps as you elbowed him

“You have a Girlfriend, Romeo” you scold him

“What?! I just stated facts. My Nutella waffle also does that” Taehyung pouted

“Nutella waffle?” you raised a brow

“Lisa” he mouthed

“Jeon was kind of right when he said that you were in a weird relationship” you giggled

__

“W-what is cute?!” Chaeyoung straightened her back “You better step away from my personal space” she stuttered

“What if I refuse to obey to her majesty’s orders?” Jimin’s face was a few inches away from hers, as he swirled in his fingers a strand of her soft strawberry colored hair “What will happen then? Your highness?”  He emphasized each words as he locked eyes with her wavering ones.

“Then I might kick you out of here” she held her head high “You’re under my power, right? You said so yourself.” She pushed his chest with her index “I thought you were a few months older than me?” she added “What a disappointment” she stared at her nails “and to imagine that I actually expected something from our school’s genius. You failed me. ” she chuckled heartlessly

__

“Damn, this heiress is one hell of a feisty game” Taehyung chuckled

“Being royalty doesn’t stop you from putting back idiots in their place” you replied “I’m honestly so confused. Why is Jimin being such a brat? He’s always a gentlemen” you commented

“It’s jimin’s personal way to tackle his unwanted attraction towards her majesty, Park Chaeyoung” Taehyung added “You might not realize it yet, but Jimin is intrigued by her, this is also why they’re not putting their argument to rest. He wants it to last longer”

“What a manipulative bastard “your jaw dropped

“Well, he did study psychology, so I guess he knows to keep a girl on her edges” Taehyung stared at you

__

“Whoa this woman” Jimin scoffed “At least I’m not mooching off of my father’s ass to get special treatment”

“I never asked my father, for your information!” chaeyoung argued “He acted like this on his own! I wanted to move in quietly but he learned about it…and now…it turned out like this” she hung her head low

“Exactly, being daddy’s little girl requires for him to do everything in his power to make his little princess as comfortable as she can get, on campus”

‘’ Excuse me?’’ she scoffed

‘’ You heard me, Park Chaeyoung’’ he stepped closer to her face “Just because you’re born into royalty, doesn’t mean that everyone will be at your feet’’

‘’ I never expected people to treat me like a princess or anything, the least I expected is a little bit of politeness. Isn’t that how any man with class, treats a lady?”

“Sorry to disappoint, but in my eyes you’re not a lady.” He mocked her “How can I possibly see a girl of your range being a lady?”

“What do you mean?”

“A true lady finds a way to accomplish things she wants on her own, without needing the help of her father” Jimin stared at her “Your outfit alone probably comes from the hard work your father poured into this school” he added “You can’t do anything on your own and that’s a fact”

“Who said I was unable of doing things on my own?! Who are you to be saying such things?!” Chaeyoung shouted

“What’s the use of arguing “he shook his head “We live in two different worlds, princess? Why don’t you go back up on your throne? We don’t need her majesty to feel inconvenienced by our inferior presence” Jimin commented sarcastically

“Does being the dean’s daughter, means that I can’t be like any normal girl? Does living in luxury means that I can’t be myself? Do you think I ever wanted to be the daughter of a man like my father?”

__

“What is he saying now?” you rolled your eyes as you stared at Taehyung “Can you please tell him to shut the f*ck up before we all get kicked out of college because of his carelessness”

“Jimin is biting onto the bait. He’s actually interested” Taehyung whispered back

“All he’s been doing, is insulting and degrading Chaeyoung for the last ten minutes, yet you call this being interested?”

“This is how men shows their interest, Y/N”

“It’s a turn off and I would’ve actually stepped on his dick if I was in Chaeyoung’s position, but a girl with such class wouldn’t lower herself to do such a thing, right?”

“Chaeyoung probably wants to kick his face with her heel, but won’t do it” Taehyung chuckled “Jimin is such a diplomatic asshole.”

“What is diplomatic about any of this? He’s just trying to get on her nerves!” you groaned “I can’t recognize him. He’s usually such a smart and witty bastard, what is going on?!”

“He’s attracted to that girl, that’s what’s going on” Taehyung smirked “Remember how Jungkook used to push you away during middle school and freshman year in high school?”

“Oh you mean, when he casually stopped sharing hugs with me and always ran away whenever we had biology together?” you blinked

“Yeah, exactly. That’s the same thing. Some men run away from their truth and some others try to deny it. Jimin just happens to the kind of guy to deny his true feelings”

“Ahhh” you nodded “But wait, what does Jungkook has to do with this?” you raised a brow

“Hush, we might interrupt the drama” Taehyung pressed his index on your lips as a distraction “Let me enjoy these love scenes while they last”

“Idiots” you sighed “Men are real idiots”

__

Today, Hilton Hotel, L.A, 8:43 AM

On the other side of the planet, Jungkook was packing his belongings from the hotel room he stayed in for the last two weeks. After travelling from L.A to Norway, Paris and Scandinavia, his next destination was his favorite place in the world; Home. Two years might have had passed as slowly as it could it, but Jungkook chose to see it in a different approach.

Travelling only meant that he was now allowed to learn new things and make new friends as well. Spending the first three months in L.A turned him into a depressed mess, calling you every three to four hours and texting even while you were asleep. He soon enough learned that he had to depend on himself for his own success.

Two years ago , August 15th, Princeton University, 12:45PM

Missing you was a thing, but the boy had to plan his future as well. As much as he missed you, he decided to focus on his work for the remaining year of travelling he had to do. Enrolling in Princeton’s University, Jungkook had his future all planned out, all he had left to do was to make a few friends. Being the introverted shy fluff he was, he had trouble socializing with other students.

It was only a few months later, through his second semester, when he took his most hated lecture; economics, that he found the light to his darkness. Wang Jackson, his friend from Elementary school was taking the same class. This marvelous surprise made Jungkook smile and he didn’t felt as lonely as he used to.  

“Man! You go here?!” Jackson half shouted as he hugged Jungkook “Damn, I swear to god, I almost didn’t recognize you! What happened to your height?! What did you eat to grow like this?! I’m almost salty” he chuckled

“Milk is the secret” Jungkook hugged him back “How long have you been here? I swear, I never expected to find you here”

“I moved here after High school” Jackson smiled “My parents had some unfinished business in the area, and I actually liked it here, so we decided to stay” he paused “What about you? I never dreamt to ever find you casually strolling on campus like this”

“I’m here to get my degree” Jungkook replied “I’m actually travelling to a few places while learning a few things about my parents’ business.”

“Ah, you have that business to take over, right?” Jackson nodded “Damn, I almost forgot your parents were entrepreneurs. Do you like it here so far?”

“Well, yeah, I guess it’s bearable?” Jungkook replied with a heartbroken smile “I miss home, to be real with you”

“Homesick, huh… ” Jackson empathized with him as he patted Jungkook’s shoulder “Don’t worry, we all felt like this at first! But we eventually get used to it. You won’t want to leave after a few months” he nudged Jungkook “Let me give you my number, we can hang out sometimes. I’ll introduce you to some of my amazing friends as well”

“Really?” Jungkook grabbed his bag as he handed his phone to Jackson “You seem so used to this place” he smiled

“Yeah, well, you know, If you ever miss Korean food, there’s always a way to find it here” he winked

“What if I missed my friends at home though…?” Jungkook replied in a heartbreaking tone

“Your buddies would want you to be happy! Talking about buddies, what happened to the boys? My boys, Taehyung and Jimin? Are they still doing well?”

“They’re all good, Jimin, taehyung and even... Y/N go to the same university”

“Y/N? Oh Oh… Oh my God? Y/N as in Y/N? Your one and only girlfriend?”

“Not my girlfriend. Add the space between girl and friend” Jungkook commented

“ Well you did wanted her to be your girlfriend at some point, I might have missed your amazing adventures in high school , but my pinky tells me that you had feelings for her” he nudged Jungkook “ You even stopped playing with me and Bambam back in the day , because you wanted to spend more time with her”

“That’s because you kept on teasing her, and I had to do something about it”

“Yeah, you’re definitely head over heels for her” Jackson chuckled “Is she hot though?”

“Pardon?”

“I mean, did she grow up to be sexy? I never saw her after 6th grade happened”

“Why do you need to know that?” Jungkook raised a suspicious brow

“I was just curious man, chill” he chuckled “Just show me a picture. I won’t bite her, she’s still on the other side of the planet, right” he added

“Sure…” Jungkook stared at his friend skeptically “She’s not sexy, more like a female version of Tarzan. I’m not telling you how embarrassed she made me at the airport when we had to part ways.” He face palmed “Sometimes I wonder if she’ll ever get to find a boyfriend with this kind of behavior”

…

He even had the chance to see Lisa a few times, as she was now a student at Stanford’s University and Jackson took quite a liking to the blonde girl. Even introducing her to Bambam through face time. Bambam soon enough told Jackson to back off because she was his childhood friend.

“How in the world?” Jackson scowled “Why is this girl, a friend of Jungkook and a childhood friend of Bambam? The world is too small.”

“Better luck next time sir” she bowed “I already have a boyfriend”

“Wait a second” Jungkook grabbed her “Lisa, how did you even get here?” Jungkook’s jaw dropped

“I got a scholarship” she smiled “Fashion Design~” she nudged him “How about you? I heard you left right after graduation. It was such a pity, I didn’t get to see you during prom”

“Yeah, I had a few things to take care of” he ruffled his hair “How’s the American air treating you?” he replied

“Well, I miss Tae” she pouted “But I’ve been working on a few design pieces for next spring. I’m excited. I like the weather here, I can freely wear shorts all year long.”  She giggled

“I hate the weather here” Jungkook groaned

“Why are you such a hater towards the heat? “ Jackson commented

“Because I hate sweating” Jungkook scowled “I had to change this shirt two times because of how hot it gets here”

“Then just take it off, and your problem is solved” Lisa winked

“You little pervert in the hiding. I knew you didn’t change a bit. I’m not taking off any article of clothing to please your thirst” Jungkook flicked her forehead

“What?! I just enjoy the body’s aesthetic. I’m a designer after all. I see bodies all day long. Yours isn’t that impressive anymore” she smirked “But still, no one can beat my baby Tae. His body is just so beautiful… I wonder if gods sculpted him” she said dreamily

“Is Taehyung’s unicorn still in good state?” he commented “Did you make some magic before dropping by the states?”

“Unicorn? Magic? ” Jackson blinked

“ Magic isn’t what’s missing from  my little world with Taehyung” she crossed her arms over her chest “You’d be surprised at how much magic can happen in the time span of a few minutes”

“Too much information. I’m going to cry now” Jungkook faked a sob “I want a girlfriend too” he banged his head on the wall

“You have one, remember?” she blinked “She’s waiting for you, back at home”

“Oh does he?” Jackson commented

“I wish she was my actual girlfriend. But she’s just a girl, space, friend” he hung his head low

“Can you people include me in the conversation?” Jackson asked

“Nah” Jungkook and Lisa replied in union

…

This was what happened in the first year he stayed in L.A. The boy went out a few times with Jackson and Lisa to drink and party, yet he would still feel like something or someone was missing. His grades made their way up and he was one the best students in his department at Princeton University. Things were all going for the best, but it felt empty.

Face timing with you wasn’t going to solve the problem. All of these times where he felt lonely at home, even with his one and only Jelly. He yearned for your scent, your touch, your hair, your stupid jokes and your little scowls. He wanted to tease you and annoy you, yet you weren’t there with him and it never felt right.

“Y/N, it’s 3AM, we need to say goodbye, or else you won’t be able to wake up tomorrow” he sighed as he stared at your face through his phone screen

“Sleep? You’re so funny Jeon Jungkook” you chuckled on the other side “ There’s no such thing as sleeping  in this university” you sighed “ Even if I hang up, I’ll have to work on my lab report”

“Are you being serious? What kind of school does this to their students” Jungkook frowned

“It’s not their fault” you commented “It’s actually my fault for going out last night” you bite your bottom lip

“Last night?” Jungkook raised a skeptical brow “What did you do last night?”

“I went out with Taehyung and one of my seniors to go drink. Tae was sad because Lisa hasn’t been calling him for a week now”

“One of your seniors huh?” he furrowed his brows “Who is HE?” he emphasized every word

“How do you know that it’s a he?” you blinked

The thought of you possibly going on dates or meeting other guys always made him depressed. What if you ever forgot about him? What if these guys replaced him in your heart?

“W-Well, I just assumed!” Jungkook blinked

“Why?”

Because I fear you’d find a man to replace me, all the time

“Because, you’re a careless kid and you always hang out with boys! You shouldn’t hang out too late with that guy!”

“Hey, I was there to console my friend!” you rolled your eyes “I didn’t go on a d-date with him, if that’s what you want to know” you stuttered

“H-Hey! Who said I wanted to know this kind of information” he blinked frantically “I-It’s your personal life. I-It’s not like I have a saying in any of this” he bite his lip “Y-You’re free to go on dates, I mean…Who am I to tell you no”

“OH, really?” you raised a suspicious brow “Then okay, I’ll go on a date with Namjoon tomorrow” you nodded

“You CANNOT” he replied sternly

“WHY?! You just said it was my personal business” you asked, perplexed by the situation

“B- Because I don’t like that guy”

“You never even saw him” you chuckled

“T-That’s because I don’t want to give you to some random guy I never even met! W-what kind of friend would that make me? I protected you for the last 15 years okay! You are not allowed to go out with guys I’m not approving of. I bet he’s not even that good looking…  ” he pouted

“Well, in fact he’s really charming and he’s majoring in civil engineering” you commented “He’s basically the husband every girl wants in their household”  

“A-and you like him…?” Jungkook’s voice became softer

“What If I do…?” you replied, seeking for a reaction

“Then I’m f*cked, if it’s the case” he muttered

“Jungkook?” you tilted your head

“Nothing, I just said I didn’t really liked him…” Jungkook sighed “ But I guess that you might want to go on a date with him anyways, since he’s so smart and perfect” he replied in a salty tone “Since he’s everyone’s dream husband” he rolled his eyes

“Are you being jealous, right now?”

“I am not! Jealousy is an ugly emotion! There’s no way I’m ever getting jealous of some bastar—I mean guy, I never met” he cleared his throat “I’m just trying to protect you from creeps! They’re everywhere! But you won’t listen to me anyways, so suit yourself… do whatever you want”

“Ayyyyy, you’re totally jealous” he giggled “Is it because you didn’t find any cute girl at your university? I thought that Princeton had the prettiest girls in town”

“Pretty girls are not what’s missing from this university” Jungkook ruffled his hair “There’s even too many of them “

“Then why are you complaining?”

“Pretty girls might not be missing, but you’re not there. You’re what’s missing” he replied in a low tone “Who cares about all of these pretty faces , when I miss you so much, I feel like dying” he buried his face in his pillow  

“H-Hey, don’t say it like this. I might misunderstand” you blushed

“Say what? That I miss you? Or that I don’t care about any other girls?” he chuckled cutely

“Both!” you glared at him

“Ooh~ are you blushing? Or am I dreaming? I wish I could be there and pull on your cute cheeks” he puffed his cheeks

“Thank god you’re 14 hours away from me” you smirked “Are you drunk or on some drugs?”

“Children, don’t do drugs, they’re not good for you” he giggled “Hehe”

“Jungkook, what have you been consuming?”

“You” he smiled

“Oh no, not the twilight pickup lines. AGAIN”

“You’re like a drug to me” he burst out laughing

“Has college ruined you over there?”

“I was just remembering that day when I was drunk at Jennie’s birthday party” he commented “I was such a kid, I can’t believe I actually said these things to you”

“Can we talk about the fact that you actually opened your arms wide and said that you liked me so so so much? I almost lost my shit at how convincing you were”

Well maybe I was actually telling you the truth…

“For my defense, I was drunk” he commented “But college had been driving me nuts. Not to lie. I’m taking economics and my prof has no mercy on us. ”

“Has it been that hard on you?” you chuckled

“Well, yeah … you could say that “he pouted “All kinds of things get hard these days, you know” he tilted his head sexily

“E-Excuse me?” you stammered

“You heard me.” He replied in his husky voice

“You did not go there”

“Yes I went down there” he replied “You’re my best friend. Please empathize with my loneliness”

“You feel that comfortable about sharing private details with me?” you raised a brow

“I mean, you begged to know more about these private details when we high school kids. Now that I care about sharing them, you back out?”

“I-It’s not like that. I j-just never expected this…” you blinked

“I was obviously joking, you’re so gullible, it hurts” he ruffled his hair “By the way, and my dick is doing just fine.” He laughed on the other line

“As if I wanted to know these details?!” you shook your head in disbelief “You said you were joking like two seconds ago. Why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I feel like you’re the only girl who’d accept me just the way I am?”

“I do not. Take back these graphic details. I’m going to cry” you faked a sob

“You’re so pure, I’m crying” he chuckled

“Dicks are ugly” you sighed

“My dick feels offended now. Is this how you expect to turn on your man, Y/N? Because I’m telling you, my dick just became more flaccid than it is supposed to be”

“Again. TOO MUCH INFORMATION”

“I’m just tired and tried pulling a prank on you. I won’t bring up my dick in future conversations.” He wiggled his brows “Get it? Bring UP?” he laughed before regaining his composure

“Why am I even friends with this idiot” you sighed

“Don’t worry” he added “I just like seeing you panicking over me… it’s very…” he ran a hand through his hair “exquisite” he made a biting motion with his teeth

“What is he saying now? I will turn off my phone if you keep on being like this” you threatened

“Anyways sweetheart, I’ll let you sleep as I shall lay in bed alone, crying over how much I wished you were there to be my pillow.” He commented in a dramatic tone

“Don’t you dare sweetheart me, I’ll show up in your nightmares and maybe bite off your dick for playing me like this”

“Biting? Sounds f*cking painful. Remind me to never let my precious near you” he scoffed

“Don’t worry, I’d never get near your so-called precious even if you begged me”

“Are you sure about that?” he raised a seductive brow “Don’t get your panties twisted in a knot the day I come back from travelling. You will lose your shit over me. Mark my words” he made a sassy pose

“You’re so cocky.”  You commented “Make sure you’re safe”

“Are we talking about my flight or the day you’ll want my dick?” he laughed at his own joke “Okay, sorry, I’ll stop.” He chuckled  

“I hope your plane lands on a random island instead of showing up here” you glare at him

“Oh it will. You will probably have to pick me up afterwards. My one and only female version of Tarzan”

“I hate you” you rolled your eyes

“I hate you more” he sent a flying kiss

…

Those were the first year and a half, you communicated with him via Face time, but it soon changed, because of Jungkook’s new obligations and your busy schedule soon got in the way. He never felt like drifting apart from you, because he knew your bond was strong enough to last, but he was challenging himself to last a few months without you. What if he focused on work and became more successful? Would you finally see him as a worthy man? Would you stop treating him like a child? Those were the things Jungkook wanted to achieve while being overseas.

He wanted to blow you away after coming back. He wanted to see your jaw drop and having you jump into his arms like you never did before. He wanted to pet your hair and to kiss your lips without holding back. He wanted to match your level of expectations, and that was how his hard working personality suddenly took over, and he was determined to surpass himself. This was also the reason why he omitted talking to you, he thought you would become a distraction to his current hard work. What if he suddenly melted up and forgot about his goals while talking with you?

….

Today, Airport, L.A, 9:45 AM

“So you’re leaving today, huh?” Sooyoung sighed “I thought you’d stay a little longer…”

“My father assigned me to work on a few projects back at home.” Jungkook nodded as he held onto her hand “It was a pleasure working with a competent lady such as you, Park Sooyoung”

“W-why are you talking as if we’re going to part forever?” sooyoung blinked

“Oh, it might not be the last time I see you, but the next time we see each other, I hope you get promoted and I hope I can hold my head high without making any clumsy mistakes , like I did a year ago” he ruffled his hair in embarrassment

“You were still so young and…cute” She chuckled “You learn things quite fast, Jeon Jungkook. I guess this is the last time we see each other before the company launches their next project in the market, huh?” Sooyoung commented “ I will miss your little melt downs every time you received a call from that mystery girl, you were quite funny , trying to avoid her “ she laughed  before getting a little more serious “ But you know… if you really like her, then I suggest you try winning her heart properly this time” she squeezed his hand warmly

“ I-I will try” he stuttered before staring at his workmate “ Damn, Stop making me feel more nervous than I already am! What if I take the wrong plane because of you?”

“Calm down, director. I’m sure you’ll do just fine” she winked at him “I mean, you did had half of the company’s female employees at your feet, while you were staying here. Sweeping that mystery girl off of her feet shouldn’t be that much of a challenge” she nudged him

“Don’t director me” he blinked “I’m not even the director yet” he shivered “and Oh, you’d be surprised at how different and weird she is compared to normal humans” Jungkook commented “Unique in her own way” he gave her a warm smile

“Smitten over her, huh?” Sooyoung smirked “You know, if you ever get a rejection you can always hit me up” she gave him a flirty side stare

“We’re work buddies, as if it’s ever going to happen” he chuckled awkwardly “Sure, you have some amazing body proportions, but I’d rather not get involved” he bit on his bottom lip “Pardon me for blowing off such an offer” he bows “I’m sure the rest of our staff would drool at this offer” he commented before muttering something to himself “… not to mention that Yoongi and Jimin would probably kill me for not bringing you back in my suitcase”

Yeah, they’re probably going to rant over how stingy I am for not sharing the goods with them, when I never even touched the GOODS they’re talking about.

“It was just a suggestion, Mr. Jeon. No need to be on your edges every second of your life. You’re so cute when you get all nervous “she let out a sisterly laugh as she straightened up his black suit “Now, go inside that plane and make our Company proud of you.” she suddenly pulled on his tie “And make sure to win that girl’s heart, capiche?”

“I will. Take care of yourself, Smiley Joy” He smiled one last time before patting her hair and disappearing from her sight

Sooyoung waved at him one last time before ditching her high heels for sneakers, as a sad smile made its way onto her face.

“Guess I’ll just be cupid for another time” Sooyoung sat inside her car as she stepped on the pedal, on her way to Jackson’s place

__

Today, Dorms at Seoul University, 1:30 PM

“Ugh, I’m so bored Taehyung” you pulled on his sleeve “do something”

“I started collecting Louis Vuitton bags, do you want me to talk about my Prada coats or should I give you more details about my new Versace pants? They’re so soft and comfortable, I might as well melt every time I put them on”

“There he goes again.” You tied your hair in a ponytail “ Tae, I’m well aware of the fact that you’re making lots of collections, but can we please talk about something more exciting?” you sighed

“You want something more exciting, huh?” Jimin raised a brow

“Let’s go clubbing then. Mystery resolved” Taehyung smirked  

“C-Clubbing? I’m not cut for that kind of thing though” you stuttered “I hate crowded places…and I can’t drink”

“The club is more than drinking and dancing!” Taehyung pulled your cheek “Honey, the club is where you meet new friends “

“Owwww” you scowled “As if I need any more friends, when I already have catastrophe number 1 and natural disaster part 2, right next to me”

“Who’s the natural disaster?” Jimin blinked “M-Me?”

“I think it’s you, man” Taehyung chuckled

“As if you’re one to talk, you’re a catastrophe!” Jimin pointed a Taehyung

“It’s just unfair” you suddenly commented

“What is?”

“Jungkook always has so much fun and I’m still here being imprisoned because of college”

“Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, right? Go out and have some fun as well” Taehyung ruffled your hair “It’s not like you’re going to be twenty forever, right? Enjoy it while it lasts, bunny boo”

“You’re right” you sighed as you hugged Jimin’s waist “I feel like I wasted my youth for nothing” you added “What should I do?” you whipped your head up to stare at him

“Go out and have some fun~” Jimin nudged you “University isn’t only about crying over your GPA, negotiating over grades and struggling to pay off debts.” He paused before he realized “Okay no, well maybe it is, but! It doesn’t mean that you should restrict yourself like this! Have some fun while you’re on break!”

“You’re right” you added “I should be having fun while I’m still young” you clenched your fist as you walked towards your luggage to pack your remaining belongings “ I always focused so hard on school and worked my butt off while other kids were having fun”

“That’s true” a very familiar voice was heard

“He’s right man”   Jimin nodded before gasping at the owner of familiar voice “What are you doing here—“he remained quiet after he was told to keep it down

“Right?” you ruffled your hair as you buried your items in your bag “Every girl here hooked up with at least two cute guys in the past two years and I’m still here, crying over tuition? How in the world is that even fair”

“Oh, so you kept it clean for these past two years, huh?” the familiar voice teased you

“Of course I did, don’t you remember that time when I cried over Namjoon sunbae because he refused to introduce me to his friends.”

“Is that so” the unknown owner of the voice smirked

“ That was because Namjoon is a diplomatic man who doesn’t want you to get tangled with the players from the arts department” Taehyung commented  before whispering to the unknown owner of the voice“ May  I ask, how in the world did you ever landed here?”

“That blonde guy was so cute. What was his name again?” you blinked “Damn It, I can’t even remember” you sighed

Seems like something she’d do, he internally chuckled

“Oh was he that cute for you to forget his name?” The owner of the unknown voice almost laughed

“Shut up” you rolled your eyes “That’s not what matters right now! I’m still twenty, right? I just became an adult. I should celebrate it”

“And how are you planning on celebrating this?” he commented again

“Uhm… Partying, obviously?” you grabbed your luggage “I might sound like an irresponsible child in your perspective , Jeon Jungkook, but I believe that I’m more than ready to—“ you paused before realization hit you like a truck “ J-Jung…--“ you turn around, only to witness what you expected the least from this journey “—kook…“

“Seems like it took you a while to notice me” he pressed his back against the door “I almost teared up a little bit” he sighed “You know it’d be sad if you already forgot about me” he smiled charmingly in your direction

You gasped as you eye-scanned him from head to toe, how much he changed, how taller he became, how mind-blowing his body looked in that black suit, how gorgeously prepped his black silky hair was, how that Rolex watch was firmly fixed onto his wrist, how shiny and polished his Italian designer shoes looked like they were worth half of your college tuition. One thing that remained the same, was that charming smile and warm hearted faced of his.

“Are you having a cultural shock? Or is it natural for your jaw to be dropping that low?” Jungkook suddenly raised a brow as he waved his hand in front of your face

“Who are you?” your jaw dropped again

“Was she taking drugs while I was away?” Jungkook titled his head “It’s me!” he blinked

“I don’t think she was expecting you” Taehyung whispered to Jungkook “Well, I for fact, never expected you to drop by?!” he suddenly faked a sob onto his friend’s shoulder “I missed you bro, Give me some bro love” he attempted to hug the boy, but the latter gently pushed him off

“Tae, please, I get it, no need to get all touchy now” Jungkook pushed off his friend

“BUT IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS. IMMA KISS YOU EVEN IF YOU PUSH ME OFF” Taehyung grabbed his friend and attempted to headlock him

“And now what?!Is that a Rolex on your wrist?” Jimin grabbed Jungkook’s wrist

“You are definitely not looking Jungkook enough to be Jungkook” you shook your head

You walked around him as you inspected him closely. You suddenly noticed the disappearance of earrings on his ears.

“What happened to your lobe piercings? What about the helix ones?” you blinked as you hovered your fingers over his left ear

“W-Well, uhm… I actually had to remove them for a while, because it was against my ethic code at work. They didn’t like my earrings that much and I started working there and uhm—“he gulped on his saliva as you brought your face closer to his ear

“I just hope the holes didn’t close off” you pouted “I really loved your piercings the most”

“Oh , you did? I-I actually missed wearing them too…” he bite on his bottom lip as he reminisced himself of his father giving him a sermon about earrings and how vulgar they looked on him, when in reality they were only a fashion item that he enjoyed wearing  

“So you wore suits like a little gentlemen, my little couchy pouchy” Taehyung pinched Jungkook’s cheeks

“Did not!” Jungkook smacked away Taehyung’s hand “Only at work. Ugh, to be real with you, I hate wearing ties. They suffocate me”

You suddenly ran your fingers through his scalp and the boy flinched at the sudden contact. You chuckled at his reaction.

“What is she doing now?” Jungkook scowled

“Verifying that you didn’t got kidnapped by some aliens who might have had altered your nature?” you commented “Duh.”

“F*cking weird, just like I expected it to be. But you’re making it weirder than I wanted it” Jungkook face palmed

You felt disappointment hit your nostrils as you couldn’t recognize his usual apple scented shampoo. It was altered to a minty fragrance. You ruffled his hair a few times before wrapping your arms around his waist, back hugging him.

Oh great , she’s hugging me now…Let’s call in for a little bit of oxygen, because I can’t breathe in this suit and she’s making it worse, but wait… MY HAIR?!

“Did she just…” Jungkook groaned

“Yeah .She just ruined your hairdo and hugged you afterwards. Sorry bro. That’s how she does it.” Jimin nodded

You were about to close your eyes and enjoy the moment, not until you felt how toned his body felt against yours. You could feel it even through these layers of clothing articles. The boy didn’t waste a second for the past two years, becoming more successful than ever and getting hotter by the day.

“Damn, are those muscles?” your jaw dropped as you suddenly tried feeling him up

I-I UHM no no no. There’s no f*cking way, this is happening??!!!Have we changed roles or something? Because it feels like she’s the one who left two years for the states and came back. THE WAY SHE’S ACTING IS WAY MORE AMERICANIZED THAN ME* cold sweats*

“C-Can we not get physical, please? I’m still jet-lagged and k-kind of not really feeling comfortable with skinship” he grabbed your wrist gently

“Yeah, but I bet you wouldn’t mind getting cozy with Sooyoung-ssi” you rolled your eyes

“How do you even know about Soo—“he bite on his bottom lip as he felt your hand slowly sliding inside his blazer “– young? She was just my—“

“It’s okay. I don’t need any details. What happened in the states, stays in the states, right?” you replied in a salty tone “Don’t worry, I won’t cross the line. I’m just a childhood friend. You can trust me. I mean, we’re just friends after all…“

The boy stiffened up as he felt your hand casually slipping inside his blazer, groping things that you shouldn’t be touching. Heat rushing through his body and reaching his cheeks, he quickly took things in hand, by holding firmly onto your wrists, trapping you in his arms, restricting your movements and making unable of breathing anything else than his new aroma. His detergent-soap like scent was suddenly mixed with a flavor of musky cologne and aftershave, making him more mature than how you expected him to be.

“Look here, Tarzan “he whispered in your ear “I came here to have a good time. Not to get molested by my best friend. Whoever would see you, would think that you’re the student who left two years for the L.A”

“Molested?” your eyes rounded as you tried freeing yourself from his hold “You should be thankful, I’m even laying a hand on you, Romeo” you scoffed “Let me go in this instant! You’re the one who’s molesting me right now!”

“Is this how you treated other guys for the past two years?” he commented flabbergasted “Touching them and stuff?” he raised a suspicious brow before releasing you

“Well you did had you spare of fun with Sooyoung. Why can’t I enjoy my youth?” you crossed your arms over your chest

“Sooyoung is my assistant” he admitted

“Oh, so that hot babe’s name was Sooyoung?” Jimin nodded as he whispered a few things to taehyung

“Did you SCORE—“Taehyung coughed as he realized you were still there “I-I mean, did you got cozy around her? She seems like a great friend.”

“Just shut up, Taehyung. You really need to work on your social skills. Please do not talk. It would be better for our environment. You really deserve the name of Catastrophe #1” Jimin flicked the boy’s forehead

“Sure, she had quite a figure, but she was a bit too mature for me. “ Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck “You see, older women may seem sexy, but they’re too intimidating...” He admitted shyly

“ Says the guy who spent his entire high school years talking about dating a Noona, because they were more exciting” you smirked at him

“Not to mention that I screwed up too many times in front of her, to ever feel confident” he face palmed “I even dropped coffee on her dress, on my first day of work. It was the worst”

“Oh, so you regret it?” you ask in an icy tone

“Why are you so salty about this? She’s just a workmate. I dropped juice on Lisa’s dress two years ago and no one made a fuss about it, except Lisa herself ” he blinked before noticing Taehyung’s glare “I’m sorry man”

“The real question, is why do you keep on dropping stuff on innocent girl’s outfits?” Jimin face palmed “Get a grip over yourself”

“Well, in Lisa’s case, it was an accident because I was drunk. As in for Sooyoung-ssi, It was my first day at work, I was so nervous and she bumped into me” Jungkook admitted “She actually helped me a lot to adapt in the work environment”

“Oh did she?” you nodded awkwardly

“I heard you bumped into Lisa as well?” Jimin nudged him

“ Yeah I saw her a few weeks ago as well” Jungkook smiled as Taehyung was holding back his tears “ Man, NO no NO, don’t cry” he patted his friend’s shoulder “What happened to him?” he mouthed the words to you

“Lisa didn’t pick up his calls for the past few days” Jimin commented

“She couldn’t even spare a minute to talk with me either, man” Jungkook replied “She said she didn’t had time to breath. Her eye bags looked quite awful and she got a little thinner because of her work load. You should call her. She said she awfully misses you, but couldn’t ever find time to talk with you”

“I will try again” Taehyung sighed

“She’s working hard, huh?” You sighed “I feel like a failure next to her” you bang her head against the wall

“Yeah” Jungkook stared at you “…Not a complete failure, though” he gave you a thumbs up

“I see that you only got handsomer and not smarter” you glared at him

“Oh, so now I’m handsome?” Jungkook chuckled sexily “I thought you always said I was anything but attractive” he stared at the ceiling “Seems like people really do change in two years” he gave you a satisfied smirk

“Exactly why I can’t believe, that ass” you smacked his butt “Belongs to YOU”

“EXCUSE YOU?!” Jungkook’s eyes rounded in panic as he felt your hand against his butt

“Damn Y/N is tapping that ass” Taehyung chuckled

“She’s tapping more ass than me and I actually tried looking for potential mates, in these past two years” Jimin face palmed

“Do you realize that this is sexual harassment?” Jungkook grabbed onto your wrist

“Maybe in the states, but here in your homeland it’s called friendliness” you winked at him “Come kook, loosen up! And let’s have some fun”

“Who turned her into this?” Jungkook sighed as he stared at his pals “Jimin, was it the fruit of your goddamn work? I told you to be there for her, not to turn her into some hardcore party girl”

“I do not control the girl. She can make her own decisions. She’s twenty years old “Jimin lifted up his arms in defense “Don’t look at me like that with that frightening stare, I’m just like any other citizen who’s trying to live their lives as a college student.”

“You’re all mistaken, Kook” you shook your head “I did had my nose stuck in a thousand books since the past two years, but now that you’re back” you bite onto your index “I thought…. Why not spice it up?”

“No no… there’s f*cking way” Jungkook stepped back “there’s no way I’m ever getting involved in this”

“Oh boo hoo, get over yourself and grow some balls. I know you’ve been clubbing with Park Sooyoung almost every week, don’t come telling me you religiously stayed at homes for the past two years. Your Instagram feed is there to ruin you for life Jungkook. I saw everything you did” you held onto your phone

“Well f*ck. It’s not exactly what you imagine okay” He ruffled his hair “It was just a few times! It wasn’t that much of a biggie.”

I mostly went there to forget about how much I missed you….

“Who said I had a problem with you clubbing with Sooyoung? I just pointed out that you had your share of fun, therefore, you should at least share some of this fun with your best friend” you poked his arm “Please, you went all the way out with your friends in the states. Show me how an exciting night feels like “you hugged his toned arm “and damn, is it me or did your arm grew with you?” you furrowed your brow cutely a the newly formed biceps

“A-an E-E-E-EXCITING NIGHT?!” he gulped on his saliva as he felt your chest being pressed against his arm “Was she always LIKE THIS?!” Jungkook attempted to step back “Can’t you just welcome me back, hug me, feed me some carrots, push me off a cliff, I don’t know, anything else that doesn’t involve me going to a club, the day I came back?! ”

“She’s been keeping this excitement in for the past two years, Jeon. Let her be. She only partied during Christmas and she passed out twice, but that’s just a detail” Jimin commented

“What the f*ck did you feed her?” Jungkook face palmed

“Uhm… Alcohol?” Taehyung added

“Did your IQ got lower as well, man?” Jungkook made a meme face “Please use your brain for once, I beg you”

“Brains are useless once you reach college. Everyone cheats man. It’s not even a choice, it’s a must.” Taehyung commented

“You could say that for people who take difficult subjects such as Bio science, but you” Jimin pointed at Taehyung “…Have no reason to cheat whatsoever. I could pass your classes, eyes closed, while flirting with two side-chicks and I’d still get an A”

“Can you dumb male idiots, stop ignoring my presence” you kicked Jungkook’s shin

“OUUUUCHHHH??!!!” jungkook dropped on the floor “What the f*ck is wrong with you” he faked a sob “I swear to f*cking jesus, You’re so f*cking dead. I will cook you for breakfast and feed your shreds to Jelly”

“Jelly?” You blinked as you grabbed onto your suitcase “You mean, baby Jelly?! The puppy you never allowed me to hold?! The puppy you made a fuss about?!”

“Yeah” he groaned in pain as he followed you out “I swear to god woman, if you ever get close to my Jelly, then I’ll be the one eating you for lunch”

“Well damn, homeboy doesn’t’ waste time and goes straight to the meal” Taehyung coughed

“Of course not, dumb idiot, Jungkook is still too stupid to process the words that come out of his mouth. Never take him seriously.” Jimin rolled his eyes “Where are they going now?”

“They’re low-key leaving the room? Should we follow them?” taehyung commented

“Never follow a couple who’s trying to be alone. Taehyung. Never.” Jimin held Taehyung’s arm

You kept on going with your argument even if you were already out of the department, almost hand in hand with your best friend who casually grabbed your suitcase and held it for you. Anyone who would’ve seen this scene, would’ve thought you were a campus couple.

“OH really?” you crossed your arms over your chest “Seems like your Jelly is still very dear to you. Even if she’s all grown up. What if she finds a mate, what are you going to do then?”

“Never. EVER. YOU’RE A JINX. DON’T DO IT”

“She will find a mate Jungkook. Just like you” you nodded

“What do I have to do with this, mate thing?” He blinked furiously

“I don’t know, maybe you’re of age to find a decent girlfriend?” You commented

“I can’t do relationships Y/N. Why do you even want to get involved in these matters?”

“Because I deeply care for you” you smacked his arm “Because I love you and your ass” you nodded as you shamelessly tapped his butt

“I thought I told you to stop touching my goddamn butt. We’re IN PUBLIC.” He clenched his fist

“Ooh baby~ so you’d like it behind closed doors huh?” you sent him a flying kiss

“I don’t know what is wrong with you and your sudden habit to get all physical with people, but I do not like people touching me in this kind of weather. I’m suffocating, I need to take off a layer already” he tried lessening his tie

“Come here” you pulled on his collar as you undid the first two buttons, sliding your hand against his cheek at the same time “ OH lord, you cheeks are not that soft anymore” you faked a sob “ Y-You actually shave now?!” you gasped as you pressed your cheek against his cheek “ It does feel different now”

“What the heck are you doing now?” he tried prying your hands off of him

“Wait a minute and stop moving”

You step back from your previous position as cupped his face in your soft palms. If his cheeks didn’t felt the same, did his lips felt the same? They sure looked quite appealing, and the boy smelled like cherry for some reason. You ran your thumb over his bottom lip and you could feel the almost glossy finish it had. Jungkook gently held onto your arms in attempt to separate you from him. All of these physical encounters were surely driving him nuts, he didn’t even want to imagine the kind of things that could happen by the end of month he’d stay in town.

“You’re wearing chapstick now?” You tilted your head “You’re like a newer version of the American ideal man.”

“You didn’t even answer my question, shorty.” he squished your cheeks together, just like he always did “Why do you keep on insisting that I find a girl”

“It’s because I’m too broke to afford your twelve cats. So my only solution is to make sure you live happily ever after with a potential mate“You sighed “I even got kind of kicked out of my dorm…”

“What? Where are you going to sleep now?!” His jaw dropped

“In the science Department’s dorms?” you blinked

“Oh” Jungkook nodded “So you still pay rent there?” he rubbed the back of his neck

“Not rent, It’s almost an extra 800$, on top of my ridiculous tuition” you sighed “What about you? Where are you staying?” you commented “You can’t possibly think about moving back at your parents, huh? It’ll take you three hours in train to get here”

“No, I don’t. I actually rented an apartment in one of the skyscrapers next to my work area” he commented

“ I should’ve known that you and your rolex watch, were on another kind of level” you shook your head as you let out  a heartbroken chuckle  “ What did I even expect. I’m the stupid one for almost offering you to stay over in my room”

“Well uhm….” He hesitated “I’d love that” he rubbed the back of his neck shyly “I thought about something else but it may sound not okay, coming from a guy” he bite on his bottom lip

“What is it?” you raised a brow “I heard all kinds of proposals after coming in town. You’d be surprised, Jimin even asked me if I wanted to live in his car, in case I got kicked out of my dorm again” you laughed “I’m sure it’s not as crazy as Taehyung’s idea to make me sleep in his attic with his pet hamster Taelice. They apparently named him after his ship name with Lisa. They’re very into it huh? They even call that hamster, their son” you chuckled

“They’re still so f*cking weird aren’t they?” Jungkook’s jaw dropped “At first it was the food names and now what? The hamster is their new son? Lisa omitted telling me she was pregnant with a hamster “he laughed

“But what was it about your proposal?” you blinked

“Ah… forget it, it might set you off and you’ll probably slap me or something. What if you bruise my face?!” he stepped back “The future of my company depends on this face” he pointed at himself

“Oh lordy. Should I slap him or kick him off a cliff for being so cocky” you rolled your eyes “Come on Jeon, do I look that close minded” you pouted “Tell me!!”

“Right, you’re the one who keeps on feeling me up for the last hour since I landed here” he shivered

“I was doing it because I missed you!” you poked his chest cutely

“Stop acting cute, you’re not cut for that!” He pushed your forehead with his knuckles

“Then JUST TELL ME BEFORE I BITE YOUR DICK—“you’re about to shout as he clasped a hand over your mouth

“Damn, I forgot how embarrassing you could get” his eyes rounded in shame “My dick is staying in its natural habitat and your dangerous mouth will stay away from it, capiche?”

“My threats are amazing” you shrugged

“You’re f*cking insane and I think I’ll be taking back my idea from earlier”

“Exactly, what was your idea?! Just spill the beans will you?!”

“Nah, It’s definitely a very bad idea” Jungkook shook his head

“This guy, I swear to god” you clenched your fist as you pulled on his cheek rather aggressively “SPILL IT”

“WILL NOT” he pulled on your cheek as you whimpered in pain

“Owwww!!” you pushed him off as you rubbed onto your abused cheek “I’m a GIRL?! Remember?!How could you?!” your jaw dropped

“Double standards huh?” he titled his head “I don’t do those things. You kicked me, grabbed my butt and even pinched my face a thousand times. I thought I’d take it as your welcome gift, but it became too abusive for my liking” he paused before adding “Eye for eye, Tooth for Tooth, baby girl” he winked at you as he grabbed onto your suitcase and walked ahead of you

….

You both walked a few minutes before finally reaching the science department dorms. Jungkook knew from a single look that he didn’t liked that place. It reeked of male pheromones like it never did before. Random guys walking back and forth and weird ones on top of that. Two random guys were fighting and one of them seemed half dead, while the other students didn’t even bother asking if he needed help. One other guy, following or should we say almost harassing two girls who urged him to stay away from them.

“This is where your school assigned you to live?” Jungkook raised a brow

“Y-Yeah…” You tilted your head as you watched the chaos uncovering in front of you “Men are really a mystery aren’t they?” You turned around to stare at Jungkook

“Tell me about it. I, myself, can decrypt what’s up with men in this department” Jungkook gave you a puzzled look

It wasn’t long before a familiar presence made its way between you and Jungkook and it was none other than your friend Namjoon.

“Y/N! You finally got here” Namjoon smiled “I hope our boys didn’t scare you off” he chuckled awkwardly “ It had been a rough day today, our Rugby team lost and the boys kind of lost their minds”

“Yeah… I saw that” you huffed

“I presume he’s your friend from the states?” Namjoon stared at Jungkook before commenting in english “You look great, man” Namjoon smiled at Jungkook as he waited to exchange a handshake

“Thank you man” Jungkook smiled as he shook Namjoon’s hand “You must be that Namjoon guy she’s been bragging about for the past few months?” he commented

“Bragging?” Namjoon raised a suspicious brow as he stared at you

“Shut up” you elbowed Jungkook in the stomach

“I heard you’re majoring in engineering?” Jungkook’s commercial smile was never fading

“Yeah I am” Namjoon nodded “I heard you were doing business and management in L.A”

“H-How do you know about this though?” Jungkook furrowed his brows

“This child over here” Namjoon poked your head “Wouldn’t stop talking about you”

“Oh did she” Jungkook sent you a side smirk

“How does it feel to be back?” Namjoon asked “It must be exciting?”

“Yeah, I mean… I’m back for business, but I’m happy to be back” Jungkook nodded

“I hope we get to know each other better Jungkook. It was a pleasure meeting you. I have to leave for my club’s meeting.” Namjoon replied “Here is your key, Y/N. Welcome to the dorms!” he handed you the key before leaving

A moment of silence was exchanged as Namjoon left the room and you were now alone next to Jungkook, climbing the stairs to get to your new room.

“Seems like you tried making someone Jealous, but I don’t know who, because It didn’t work either ways” Jungkook chuckled to himself

“What? I never tried making anyone Jealous! You made your own self jealous”

“Namjoon is a cool guy. I need more friends like him. All I surround myself with, are small potatoes like you” he ruffled your hair

“Uh… and is that a bad thing?”

“Yeah, I don’t know either” he unbuttoned his blazer as you opened the door to your new room

You walked in as you dropped your suitcase next to the bed. You plopped yourself on the cozy bed before making yourself comfortable as if you’ve been living there forever

“So, am I going to help you unpack or something?” Jungkook sat on the corner of your new bed

“Nah, I thought about something else” you Laid your head on the fluffy pillow before pulling his sleeve

“What is it? I’m warning you. You better not get me in trouble on my first day here. I still have to stay for a month”

“Oh come on, straight-A boy. You were always skipping class barely two years ago, what happened to that?”

“I became a man?” Jungkook raised a brow “I don’t know how I should be answering that question”

“Well you did become one hell of a man.” You nodded as slowly sat up “I mean…”you slowly shifted to his side as you rested your forehead on his back “You’re sitting on a bed with me and you still haven’t kicked me out”

“Even If I wanted to kick you out, I wouldn’t be allowed to, because this is your room not mine” He let out a chuckle

“I’m the dumb one for ever expecting anything from you” you shook your head

“So what are your plans?”

“I thought about…uhm.. Something exciting!” you suddenly wrapped your arms around his neck from behind

“As long as it doesn’t involve, choking me until I die, I’m down” he gently removes your arms from his neck

“Sure? There’s no coming back! You already accepted” you poked his arm

“Sure, hit me. What’s the big thing?” he stared at you

“Let’s go clubbing”

“Well f*ck , I didn’t see that one coming” he face palmed “This is a very very very BAD IDEA”

“Well, I believe it’s a great idea”

“It’s great idea for well-behaved people who know how to remain normal in a crew? You on the other side, turn into a mess whenever people are around” he shook his head

“You already said yes” you smirked

“Yeah, I can’t go back on my words.” He replied in defeat “But don’t worry honey, I’ll be having a very close watch on you.”  He stared at his watch

“Who do you think you are, my father?” You scowled

“Oh baby baby baby “ He grabbed onto your hand “I’m way more than that” he commented “ I’m your soulmate, your life advisor, your partner in crime, your baby sitter, your best pal, your only good looking male friend, your SAVIOR, your god,—“

“You need to rethink your life choices Jungkook.” You patted his arm

“And you need to think twice about going to the club” he grabbed onto your arm “It might seem like fun and games, but you’d be surprised at the kind of shit you can find there”

“I know Jungkook. I’m twenty. No need to remind me such obvious things. People drink, dance and even get laid in the club. I get it”

“Well damn. Child, you learn too fast” his eyes rounded

“I’m sure Park Sooyoung taught you all of these things as soon as you dropped by the states”

“Nah, it was Jackson who dragged me there” he rectified

“You met Jackson?” You blinked “Ugh… He used to be so annoying back in the day”

“Yeah, and he kept on asking about you”

“Oh, really?” you raised an interested brow

“He kept on asking if you became hot”  he coughed as he stared at your outfit “ I mean, I think I gave him the right answer.” He sighed “I wanted to say you became hotter, but Y/N… seriously?! Are those track pants?! You’re supposed to be a girl who’s still blooming in her twenties.” He groaned “You’re supposed to be wearing skirts and cute floral dresses. Where this bag of Doritos came from?!” he grabs the bag of chips from your hold

“ Uhm, from the store downtown?” you gave him a sheepish smile

“How have these two years treated you? The way dressed changed so much” He took a glance at your outfit again

“I just lost any motivation to dress up like any proper human being” you admitted

“And why?” he tilted his head

“Because I got so busy, I wasn’t even able to breath and now I… I feel like it’s not time for me to care about appearances”

“All I ever wanted was that you …You actually look after yourself and if not, Jimin should’ve looked after you”

“I’m okay, Jungkook. The way I dress shouldn’t matter, right?” You stared at him

“No, it doesn’t.” he huffed “But coming from a girl who used to put so much effort into every detail of her fashion, I feel like it matters” he admitted

“You think I didn’t want to look pretty? I worked my butt off for the past two years, Jungkook. And maybe you came back hotter than ever and maybe I look like shit, but I still worked hard for everything I accomplished, okay” you argued as he hung your head low

You felt all of the weight being lifted off of your shoulders. You haven’t been the happiest in past two years and your stressful lifestyle affected the way you dressed, your anxiety and even your social ability to get close to people. Approaching people wasn’t much more of your forte. Even this brand new idea of clubbing, was a way for you to shield your social anxiety from the rest of the world. Maybe if you faced your fears, you wouldn’t feel as afraid?

Using your studies as a way to close yourself off from the world, might have been a toxic introduction to the life of an anti-social student for the past two years. Sure, Jimin and Taehyung were there, but they were just as busy as you if not more. Your friends weren’t able to be there for you and even if they did, their presence couldn’t compare to the warm comfort your best friend’s used to provide for you. You were afraid of judgement and Jungkook knew it more than anyone else. You worked hard and closed yourself off, yet no one ever noticed until Jungkook did, because he was your one and only other half. He knew you better than you knew your own self.

“You haven’t been taking care of yourself, huh…” Jungkook cupped your cheek with his warm touch “All I wanted was to see you happy, but I guess, it didn’t turn out that well” he sighed “I’m proud of you, I hope you know that” he smiled at you “All  ever wanted was that… you love yourself as much as I care for you.”

“Ayyy, Stop it you’re going to make me cry. Even my parents didn’t tell me this kind of thing when I came back for vacation.” you held back onto your tears

“Don’t bawl your eyes out like this on the first day I came back “he wiped your tears with his thumb “We’re supposed to go clubbing! I bet you don’t even own a clubbing dress” he leaned his back against the wall

“Touché” you grimaced at him. He had a point. “Guess I’ll just have to go naked” you smiled sarcastically

“Do you want to make the club go out of their business?” Jungkook burst out into fits of laughter

“Are you making fun of me?” you crossed your arms over your chest “The club should be paying billions. My Body isn’t something anyone can easily see like that”

“Sure, I guess so” he kept on laughing

“You’ll be the last laughing once I’ll really show up in a transparent dress tonight”

“Good lord. NO ONE will show up in a transparent dress tonight.”  He suddenly regained his composure “ Don’t show too much skin, or else I’ll wrap you in one of my jackets and send you back, running  to your parents “

“I can wear whatever I want! Why are you so close minded? I thought you lived in the states for two years now” you nudged him

“Why do you want to show so much” his ears were tinted red

“Because I’m allowed to?”

“Well, I’m not allowing this”

“On what grounds?”

“Best friend Code.” He blurts out an excuse “Come on, I thought we could match our outfits or something. You always did that back in the day”

“Sure, you can wear see through then” you nodded

“You want to see my body so badly” he smirked

“It was just a suggestion! Get down from your high horses!”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind striping for you”

“And you don’t need to” you covered your eyes

He wildly took a step closer to you, almost crushing your body against the mattress, as he slowly played with the buttons of his dress shirt. Smirk plastered over his face, Jungkook liked what he was seeing. You, being all vulnerable and shy, under him, who had the entire control over this situation. He never had the control over anything when it came to you, and this situation was pleasing him a tad bit more than what he expected.

“Come on, It’s you who kept on talking about how open minded I should be since I’ve been living in the states.” He undid the first few buttons of his dress shirt “You want to go all the way out. Why not go naked together? Wouldn’t that be a better idea?”

“I-I was obviously joking” you tried shielding your eyes as you peeked through your fingers

“You sounded very serious in my opinion” he chuckled before unbuttoning the last few buttons of his dress shirt “You expected some abs right? Sorry but I wear white shirts under every article of clothing I possess” he smiled at you

“W-Who said I ever expected anything” you stuttered as you pushed his chest away from your gaze

“My tingling senses tell me that you were expecting something sexy” he lifted himself off of you as he leaned against the door “I just came back from L.A and you already want it wild. How exciting” he raises a seductive brow “People would almost think you’re the one who came back from the states” he swirled one of your hair strands in his long fingers “A complete American girl” he ended his statement with an irresistible wink

“You got full of yourself too, I imagine” you pushed his chest with your index “Now before I strip before your virgin eyes, I suggest you get lost” you slowly pushed him out of the room

“Yeah, we wouldn’t want that to happen, would we?” he nodded like a shy boy “And PLEASE” he pointed at you “Stop talking about getting naked” he ruffled his hair shyly  before leaving the room.

“As if he’s one to talk. You pushed me against the bed and made all sorts of advances while stripping. YOU STARTED IT” you through your fist in the air as he left

….

Today, Your new room, Seoul University, 2:48PM

“Honey, You’re not going like that, are you?” Jennie’s jaw dropped as she stared at your dress

“Why? Is it too short” You asked

“Too short? It’s too long, what are those sleeves? Baby, no” Jennie pulled on the sleeves of your dress “Look, we’re going clubbing not to your grand aunt’s 70th birthday. What happened to you?” she pulled you in a hug “I can’t believe college did you like this”

“Did you had fun at Yonsei University?” you stared at her

“Well, yeah, I survive just fine. Except that there’s too many annoying freshman there” she shivered “Can someone give them a clue. I’m already taken”

“Damn you’re popular there too. I mean, look at you” You wiggled your brows at her curvy figure

“Don’t stare at me like that, you little pervert” she threw a Potato chip at you

“How’s Hobi doing? “You chuckled

“He’s on his way, he apparently dropped everything to see Jungkook. The guy cried when he heard the news. My boyfriend is way too sensitive sometimes” she comments

“I swear to god, you would have had said this two years ago” you chuckled “You guys were all over each other. I bet Y’all didn’t waste time to…uhm... you know” you blushed

“Hoseok is definitely…more different than the image he projects” Jennie raised a brow at your comment

“What do you mean?” you pulled her next to you on the bed “Give me some elaborate details”

“No way, I’m way too embarrassed for that” Jennie covered her chest with her arms

“Why are you covering your chest?! “Your eyes rounded “Girl, who said I was talking about those kind of details?!” your jaw dropped “But now you owe me some sexy explanations” you poked her arm “come on!”

“Well... you see” she hesitated “He might seem very sweet and playful around you guys, but it’s kind of… a different story when it gets to bed” she buried her face in her hands “Oh lord, I’m so ashamed. I want to die”

“Don’t be ashamed, man! Lisa called me the other day and shared with me some really graphic details I never wanted to know about” you blinked

“Oh no, tell me about it. She called me too.” Jennie face palmed “Hoseok was next to me, when she was telling me about how heated it got between her and Taehyung. I wanted to die on the spot. Do you realize that Hoseok almost caught on?! How embarrassing…” she cupped her cheeks “I don’t want him to think I’m some sort of naughty individual”

“But you are “you munched on your chips

“No I’m not” Jennie flushed a shade of red “I-I. You might think it’s wild between us, but we barely see each other and every time it’s about to happen, it just doesn’t happen…” she hugged her arms

“Really? Damn, I really thought you guys got to second base like super early.” You stared at her “You said you preferred sexy men, right? Is Hoseok fulfilling his duties well?”

“He’s doing it too well if that’s what you want to know.” She commented, all excited before she dropped her shoulders “The problem, is me”

“Girl…” you grabbed your hand “Don’t say that. What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m just scared” Jennie confessed

“Of what?”

“Scared he might be disappointed”

“Disappointed over what?”

“I’m just scared to show him the real me” a tear escaped her eye

“Why? Baby, don’t cry. Everything will be alright” you rubbed her arms

“I just feel like he’d be disgusted. I don’t even know”

“ Look, I feel like there’s a lack of communication in your relationship” you grabbed her shoulders “ Hoseok wouldn’t be the type of guy to shame any girl for her preferences and I’m pretty sure, that if you actually tried talking to him about how you feel, then… maybe he would work harder to make you happy”

“I just can’t bring myself to do it”

“My little jendeukie is naughty, and I’m pretty sure, Hoseok would drool over this side of you. Any guy would!”

“Hey don’t say it like that” she nudged you as her cupped her cheeks “It’s so embarrassing”

“You have so much to offer and you’re so beautiful. I feel like Hoseok doesn’t tell you that often.” You patted her hair “I always envied your charisma and confidence back then in high school” you hugged her arm “You low-key stepped on anything that annoyed you. You were so cool and you still are”

“Well maybe, I acted that way because I felt insecure “she sighed

“I feel like this night isn’t about me going clubbing for the first time. But It’s rather about making my Jendeukie, smile again” you pulled her up with you “Let’s have a makeover, get sexy and make head turns. Tonight we are re-building our confidence. Tonight, this room is the same as Build a Bitch dot com. We will build the perfect prototype and make people’s jaws drop”

“You sound extremely evil Y/N, you’re almost starting to sound like me” Jennie chuckled

“Oh honey, I got that from you” you winked at her

….

Today, Jimin & Taehyung’s Room, Seoul University, 3:30 PM

“Look here you bunch of idiots. I didn’t come back from the states, to get choked and embarrassed in front of your whole university. Now get off” Jungkook tried prying off Jimin and Taehyung from him

“I cannot believe you blew me off like this. I almost called you every day and you never picked up the phone” Taehyung faked a sob “All you did was spend time with Park Sooyoung”

“I told you I was busy. Please don’t start acting like a jealous girlfriend”

“I mean, man, this” Jimin pointed at Taehyung “Is the kind of situation we expected Y/N would be in when you suddenly showed up”

“This?” Jungkook raised a brow “Wouldn’t she be nuts, if she started acting like this type of person?” he pointed at Taehyung

“Oh trust me, boy. We all went nuts over your come back” Jimin commented “Why did you suddenly show you up like this? My heart almost dropped of its spot, because you look so good now”

“Oh, so you’re saying I used to look not that good before?” Jungkook raised a brow

“I mean, puberty did you good” Jimin bumped his fist onto Jungkook’s shoulder

“And why am I still here, with you people?” Jungkook asked out loud

“Because you need to help us pick an outfit” Taehyung commented

Jungkook rested his back against the door frame, sipping on his Americano as he watched his two friends digging through their closet to find a decent attire for their gather up of the night at the club.

“You’re kidding right? “ Jungkook groaned “We’re all going to the club?”

“Yeah, to celebrate your comeback” Taehyung cmmented

“You guys really want to turn this into a bigger mess huh” he shook his head

“Bro, just wait till Hoseok shows up, then we can start talking about messes” Jimin added

“You mean, Hosoek is going too?! I thought he lived far away from here. Why is he coming here?” Jungkook face palmed

“For you!” Taehyung pulled on Jungkook  

“Great” Jungkook replied in the most unenthusiastic tone ever heard

“Why are you so unhappy man? Smile! You’re finally back home! Unless you miss the states?” Jimin commented

“It’s my first day here, I just wanted to sip on my wine and relax in my shower, and now y’all want to go party or whatever “he sighed

“Wine and showers? That sounds fancy as f*ck. Can you invite me over to your place sometime?” Taehyung grabbed onto Jungkook’s arm

“In your dreams. You’re the kind of friend who’d throw parties at my place in my absence” Jungkook narrowed his eyes

“Ok man, you don’t need to invite me, but Invite Y/N. I’m sure she’d dig a wine and shower night with her beau”

“Her beau?” Jungkook blinked

“He’s talking about you, Romeo” Jimin patted jungkook’s shoulder

“I’m n-n-nowhere near that kind of status, people” Jungkook flushed a shade a of red

“Remember that time you used to tell her to not get her panties twisted in a knot over you once you came back?” Taehyung commented

“Yeah, that was ages ago—“

“Well, believe it or not. But I think she has the hots for you and I’m 110% positive about this.” Jimin leaned his shoulder on Jungkook

“Even I, almost wetted myself after seeing you, bro” Hoseok suddenly commented

“Too much information” Jungkook cringed before realizing his friend’s presence “When did you ever got here?!” “Like two seconds ago” Hoseok smirked as he nudged the boy “Welcome back, Bunny boy” he engulfed the taller boy in a warm hug

“Thank you” Jungkook smiled at his friend.

“So are we going to make panties drop tonight?” Hoseok slung his arms around Jimin and Jungkook

“Well not you, that’s for sure” Jimin commented “You have a girlfriend”

“I was including my girlfriend in the bunch, idiot” Hoseok smirked “Obviously” he paused “Only I is allowed to make my girl’s panties drop, too”

‘’ Jennie, the witch from the block is showing up too?” Jungkook shivered

“Jendeukie only got cuter, I still don’t see what’s frightening about her “Jimin chuckled

“Watch your words, Park Jimin” Hoseok pulled on the boy’s cheek

“Don’t worry, Hoseok-ah. Your girl is too dangerous for any other guy” Jungkook commented “Why is she showing up” he scowled

“Because I invited her, got a problem with that?” Hoseok frowned

“Nah, as long as you keep her away from me. I don’t mind her presence. As long as she doesn’t kick me in the nuts. I don’t mind.” Jungkook added

“Don’t worry, we all know who’s getting near these nuts, tonight and it’s definitely not my baby girl” Hoseok smirked as he eyed Jungkook’s package

“Who? No one is getting near my package.” Jungkook blinked furiously “Y’all need to chill. I just came back. Can we just take time and not rush like this?”

“You need to enjoy youth while it lasts, bunny boo” Hoseok smacked the latter’s arm

 …

Today, Magenta Club, Seoul , 8:50PM

You flipped your wavy hair over your shoulder as you stared at your reflection in that glassy door. That silver dress accentuated your every curve and collarbones. The sleeves only made it looks classier and the fabric reaching midway your thighs gave it a twinge of sexiness.

Jennie held onto your arm as she fixed her heels for the nth time. The poor girl must’ve had chosen the wrong pair of heels for the night. They seemed quite a bit too big for her, as they kept on slipping in and out of her tiny feet.

“Damn it. Why do they keep doing this? My legs are already hurting” Jennie sighed as she pressed her head onto your shoulder “I swore to god they fitted when I bought them last week”

“What about me? I can’t even walk in this” you sighed “Jennie, I just want to take off my shoes and run away from here”

“Relax, honey!” Jennie grabbed you “We won’t let a pair of heels ruin our amazing night. It’s our one and only chance to have a little bit of fun before school starts again in a few weeks”

“Where are the boys?” you groaned “Ugh, Why are the roles reversed like this? I swear, men are usually punctual and girls show up late, why are our boys being like this?” You complained

“They’re probably trying their best to look good” Jennie chuckled “It’s our first night out in 3 years. Do you realize that?” she paused “The only thing missing is Yoongi and Lalisa. I miss these two idiots”

“Right? I wish we could have a girl’s night out sometime with Lisa. I want to go get ice cream with Yoongi one of these days”

“What was Yoongi up to? I haven’t seen him since graduation?”

“He left home and started working on his music. That’s what Jimin told me. I haven’t been able to get a hold of him for the past three months because of school”

“Oh? So he dropped out from college?” Jennie’s mouth formed a shocked ‘o’

“Yeah, that’s what I heard. He wanted to pursue his dreams”

“Who wanted to pursue his dreams?”  A deeper voice was heard

“Min Yoong—“you chocked on your breath as you recognized his voice “Yoongi?! What are you doing here? Dressed like this?” you blinked as you eyed his outfit that oddly looked like a barman attire

“I’m a barman here” he winked “I give free drinks for the pretty ladies, and when I heard that Kook was coming back. I changed my shift with someone else”

“Come here, you little vegetable” you pulled him into a hug as you ruffled his green colored hair

“Your hair is amazing” Jennie’s jaw dropped “I love this so much, oh my god. Can I touch it?” she tried touching the tips of his bangs

Just as Jennie was about to touch more of his hair, your guy friends suddenly made their entrance, looking more dashing than ever. A classy looking Jimin who chose to wear a black dress shirt tucked in his white pants, a hot model looking Taehyung, who picked a simple GUCCI shirt and some black pants, a Party man looking Hoseok, who matched his favorite leather pants with a red blazer and a white shirt, and for the finale, a mature looking Jungkook who paired his white dress shirt with some black pants and a blue navy blazer. Your jaw dropped at the sight of these good looking men. Your friends looked stunning and you had to admit that Jungkook’s new hairstyle had you feeling some kind of way. You chuckled as you noticed them; Jimin and Taehyung who were whispering things to each other, Jungkook who had his hands tucked into his pockets, and Hoseok who was making his way to you with a very upset expression on his face.

“Jennie-poo, don’t go around touching other men’s scalps like this” Hoseok’s voice was heard as he grabbed Jennie’s hand “Oh my lord. MY WIFE. MY YOONGI” he suddenly pushed Jennie aside to bear hug Yoongi

Hoseok pulled Yoongi into a warm hug as Jennie stepped back, looking all sort of shook and flabbergasted at the same time. She never expected such a thing to occur.

“Oh lord. Hi there, Hoseok. May I remind you that you already have a girlfriend and that people are watching and whispering all kinds of things because of the havoc you’re causing?” Yoongi struggled to breath in Hoseok’s arms

“I missed you so much, what happened to your hair? You look like a cabbage now” Hoseok analyzed his best friend’s hair

“It’s called hair dye. I wanted to look fly” Yoongi smirked “It worked didn’t it”

“You’re so hot, I almost didn’t recognize you” Hoseok fangirled

“Well, I feel extremely loved right now” Jennie crossed her arms over her chest as she smiled sarcastically

“Come on, Jen. Hoseok and Yoongi were practically husband and wife before you even came into the picture. Try understanding them. “You nudged her

“I have no problem with that. Who’d ever saw this would think that my boyfriend is now going out with Yoongi” Jennie commented “I mean, they kind of look good together, not to lie”

“These two idiots always embarrass me, good lord” Jungkook’s voice was heard from behind

“Oh there you were?” you turned around to meet eyes with a gorgeous looking Jungkook

His white dress shirt was perfectly tucked into his black pants, and that blue navy blazer perfectly emphasized every compartment of his muscular arms. You had to admit that his new hairstyle had you on your knees as well. That parted black silky hair was probably the reason why your heart was threatening to jump out of your ribcage every time the boy stared at you or made a statement directed towards you.

“Damn you look too good” you straightforwardly admitted

“Well f*ck. You don’t need to be blunt like that, you almost made me blush” he shyly touched his earlobe with the tip of his fingers

“Oh that’s what you wished to hear?” you raised a brow “You look good Jungkook, but I’ve seen better” you tapped his nose with the tip of your index

“Someone is in Denial~” Jungkook sang as he stared at you

“Someone is self-centered~” you sang right back at him

“Is it really that hard to compliment me without taking it back? Is it that difficult to tell me I’m sexy without having second thoughts and doubts about it?” he pressed his back against the wall in a cocky pose “You know I look hot. Just say it. I won’t bite you for complimenting me.”

“Did the American air got to your head, Jungkook?” you scoffed “You just sound like an arrogant piece of shit”

“Just tell me I look good, and maybe it’ll open up an opportunity for me to…to… to actually tell you what I think about you” he tucked his hands in his pockets

“Better chance next time, Pervy boy” Jennie smacked the back of Jungkook’s head

“Uhm…ouch? Is that how you welcome back your sworn enemy who left for two years?” Jungkook clasped his hand over her small wrist as he raised a brow “Stop cock blocking me, Kim Jennie” he stepped closer, towering her short height

“You want to go, home boy? I’m going kick your nuts and smash that dick into pieces if you get closer to me” Jennie showed her fist in a threatening manner

“F*ck. Well, she, for a fact, didn’t change at all. She got worse than she used to be” Jungkook whispered to you as he stepped back

“Now now, no cat fights, Jungkook just arrived here a few hours ago. Let’s not destroy his precious… yet” you held onto Jennie  

“Yet?! WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” Jungkook’s jaw dropped “Y’all people can’t f*ck around with my precious. I will call my lawyer from the states, for all the damage you cause”

As you were carrying on, trying to separate Jennie from Jungkook, someone slowly tried approaching you, without making too much noise.

“Excuse me, I can’t seem to find the VIP rooms?” A cute voice was heard as its owner tugged onto your sleeve

You all turn around as your eyes remained stuck onto the gorgeous girl in front of you. Chaeyoung was a show stealer and she didn’t even had to try, all men in that club who saw her, probably had drool dripping all over their chins.

“Damn, who is she?” Jungkook’s eyes rounded as he whispered to you “Not to lie, but she’s kind of hot”

“No one you need to know about” you elbowed him in the stomach

“Can you women, stop abusing my sensitive body so early in the evening?!” Jungkook snapped out “I’m not your goddamn punching bag” he moaned in pain

“Right, you’re not a punching bag. You’re more useless than a punching bag” Jennie smirked at him

“You’re worse than ice” Jungkook felt each word hit him as sharply as a slap “I almost felt my heart breaking into pieces. That was so mean” he faked a sob on your shoulder “Y/N, Tell Jennie the Witch from the block, to stop bullying me.”

“Who are you calling a Witch?” Jennie raised her fist, only to be blocked by you “Man up and grow some balls before I kick the remaining ones you have hidden in those pants” Jennie pinched the boy’s cheek before chuckling evilly

“Don’t f*cking touch me. I hate every inch of your cellular composition” Jungkook glared at her

“Oh lord, you heard that Y/N?” Jennie chuckled “He actually had a brain after all. Damn you were right, he grew up.”

You chuckled at your friends quarrel before noticing how lost Chaeyoung looked, judging from how uncomfortable she looked, holding onto her bag as if her life was depending on it. The rich girl chose to break the silence as she stared at you.

“It’s my first time here.” Chaeyoung muttered shyly

“Believe it or not it’s her first time here as well” Jungkook surrounded his arm around your neck as he ruffled your hair, ruining your hairstyle “ She probably doesn’t know either” he commented before pulling Jimin by his sleeve “ Perhaps my friend here, can escort you? Right, Jimin?”

“What?” Jimin suddenly turned around as he noticed Chaeyoung in all of her stunning glory “Oh, it’s her majesty again?” he scoffed

“You know each other?” Jungkook blinked “Well that’s even better!” he gently grabbed Chaeyoung’s arm and linked it with Jimin’s “Now, Park Jimin, do us a favor and escort the pretty girl to her VIP Lounge.”

“Why me?!” Jimin scowled “You f*cking do it.” He replied in a flabbergasted tone

“Because you know this club better than any of us do” Jungkook added “Just a reminder that this is my first time stepping here, no, it’s my first time stepping back in the country after two years. How the f*ck am I supposed to know anything about this club?!”

“Ugh, fine” Jimin rolled his eyes “Why are you still holding onto me like this?” Jimin sent a side glare to Chaeyoung who suddenly stepped back from him

“O-Oh I’m sorry, it’s your friend who—“Chaeyoung stuttered

“Yeah try blaming it on Jungkook. That’s your specialty after all. Blaming things on other people. What are you even doing here? I thought people of your status didn’t hang out in vulgar places such as the club” Jimin smirked

“Jimin why are you so grumpy? Treat the girl with some class before I step on your dick” Jennie furrowed her brows as she elbowed Jimin in the stomach “What was her name again? Chaeyoung, right?” Jennie smiled at her “Please don’t mind him, they’re all idiots anyways”

“Uhm. Ouch?” Jimin’s jaw dropped “My ego was shattered in three seconds because of your girlfriend” he stared at Hoseok

“That’s how she does it. Feisty and Sexy” Hoseok smirked

“I’m okay” Chaeyoung giggled behind her hand

“Girl! Isn’t that the latest Gucci bag you’re holding?!” Jennie’s eyes rounded as she eyed the bag

“Y-Yes, daddy got it for my birthday” Chaeyoung smiled shyly

“I have the same one at home!” Jennie exclaimed

“Really?!” Chaeyoung’s eyes brightened

“I think we have a few things in common. This girl is a keeper.” Jennie tapped Chaeyoung’s arm “Let’s exchange numbers and maybe have a girls night out sometimes! I’m sure Lisa would’ve had thrown herself over you if she was here”

“Something along the lines of ‘I’m almost gay for Chaeyoung’? Yeah my girlfriend, would probably say this” Taehyung chuckled

“I mean, who wouldn’t” Jungkook commented as he stared at the pretty girl one last time

“You better behave, before I smack your face” you threatened

“Why are you so sensitive, honey? I just acknowledged that girls from my homeland are beautiful.” he scowled

Let’s press on her buttons and watch her reaction

“Don’t you dare honey me, and stop wiggling your eyebrows like a pervert! You should’ve stayed in the states, goddamn it “you pinched his arm

“Chaeyoung is pretty just like Sooyoung was but—“he was cut off

“You really became a womanizer, huh?” You crossed your arms over your chest “Who knows what you did with Sooyoung back in the states” you commented  

Look at her being all concerned about what I did back then? She’s too cute for her own good Ugh, He internally smirked,

“Let me finish, will you?” he groaned “I meant to say that they were pretty, but something is missing”

“Of course, you have a list of unreachable standards when it comes to finding a girl.” You rolled your eyes

“Being hot doesn’t mean that a man will be genuinely interested in you” He commented “So you can stop thinking I want to hook up with every girl I find pretty” he rolled his eyes

“Who said that? I never said such a thing.” You crossed your arms over your chest

“You were speculating and that’s enough” He tapped your nose

He suddenly pulled your waist closer, closing the gap between your bodies. Feeling your chest against his, his breath near your face, his nose brushing against the side of your cheek. You felt your palms getting sweaty as he whispered his next comment in your ears.

“Now stop feeling salty, because I’m all yours tonight” he replied in a wicked tone

I’d be yours forever if you asked….

You flush a few shades redder as you press your palm against his chest, separating your bodies from each other. Jungkook slightly groaned as your warmth was suddenly gone. He dreamt of this moment for the last two years. All he ever wanted was to feel you and show you how much he loved you, yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it, because of your habit to avoid any physical contact with him. Maybe if he sucked at expressing his feelings so much, he could show you instead? Those were the kind of things that were running through his mind for the entire day.

“Who is salty?” You scoffed “Me? As if I ever wanted you to be mine” you scoffed “Stop overpraising your worth, Jeon Jungkook”

“Yeah, just as salty as American snacks. Now walk ahead and let us have some fun before I bite you for looking so yummy in that dress” he winks as he grabs your arm

She’s so cute, it’s almost like she’s asking for me to tease her

Jungkook smirked as he witnessed an apparent blush across your cheeks. His attempt to make you shook, worked better than expected. The way you adorably stepped back away from him only made him suppress a chuckle. The satisfaction he got from it was unexplainable. Seeing you getting shy at his every act and comments, made him adore even more. The fact that he could get such reactions from you, was more than rewarding for him. Maybe these two years of hard work, payed off and you were actually going to fall for him, after all?  

“UHM. WAS THAT THE AMERICAN WAY TO PICK UP A GIRL, OR DID I COMPLETELY MISS YOUR 180 CHANGE?!” you turned around to poke his chest

“It was called disarming the enemy to get them going” he pushed you ahead “Why are you so walking slowly?” he stared at you “Is it because of your shoes?” he took a glance at your heels

“I’m kind of …Not used to it” you bite on your lip

“Are you serious” he replied in a concerned tone “Does your feet hurt?”

This girl, she’s always trying all sorts of things. Please take better care of yourself, I’m begging you.

“Well not yet, not as much as I expected” you blinked

“F*ck. I wanted to dance with you. Guess it won’t be happening anytime soon”

He sighed before sliding his arm across your waist, tightly holding you and helping you walking to the nearest couch. If he could in any way lessen your pain, he would be willing to do anything it takes. You on the other side, felt quite flustered over his last comment. Did he really wanted to dance with you? The Jungkook you knew, always avoided things that were of that type. Just as you reached the couch, you asked him, the question that was burning to come out.

“Y-You” you pointed at him “Wanted to dance with me?” you pointed at yourself

“Yeah…” he rubbed the back of his neck “I felt horrible for skipping out on prom. I wanted to make it up for you.” he shyly admitted “I mean, you had no partner because of my departure”

You felt yourself melting up at his sweet words. Jungkook still remembered everything and it still was important for him. The things you prayed yourself to forget, he remembered each and every one of them. The boy cared more about you than you would’ve thought. Being friends was a thing, but Jungkook always proved to you that he was even better than a friend.

All the things he did for you, all the countless times he helped you, all the times he protected you. Might as well call him a super Human. He was an outstanding boy  who turned into a stunning man and you didn’t had to think twice before admitting to yourself that Jungkook was indeed one hell of an amazing person, especially towards you in particular. Almost like a soulmate or another half. You felt complete whenever he was there with you.

“You adorable little bastard…” you tapped his nose with your fingertip” You still remembered those stupid details, huh?”

“They might have seemed like stupid details to Jungkook the 18 years old kid, back in the way, but they were important for you weren’t they?” he slid his hand from your forearm to lace your hands with his as he brought his face closer to yours “But I realized that whatever was important to you, it was important to me as well, because you meant more than anything else to me”

“You people are getting a little too cozy for a friendship if you want my opinion” Yoongi sipped on his cocktail as he watched you and Jungkook

“Y-Yoongi?” You whooped your head to the side

Having his romantic moment suddenly broken, Jungkook groaned as he slowly back away from you. He wanted to be alone with you and the night wasn’t cooperating with him, neither were his friends.

“Hey, man” Jungkook smiled weakly at his friend before pulling him into a tight hug “I missed you, but could you not ruin my moment like this?” he whispered in an angered tone in Yoongi’s ears "I wanted to enjoy my time alone with Y/N”

“Bunny boy, if you ever expected to have a sexy moment with your beauty at this club, then you’re wrong. People won’t leave you alone here. I suggest you take it back to your place.” Yoongi whispered in jungkook’s ear “I mean, you won’t have to keep it quiet there” he smirked

“What are you saying—“Jungkook was cut off

“Just enjoy your time here and save the romantic stuff for later. I’m sure Y/N wouldn’t dig the idea of getting a love confession at the club. Try a classier concept”

“I wasn’t confessing—“

“I know what I’m doing, bunny boy. Now sit there and wait. I’ll bring you a few drinks” yoongi left

“What was up with Yoongi?” you blinked as you grabbed onto Jungkook’s arm

“H-He kept on blabbering random shit about how much he missed me, yeah” Jungkook stuttered

“Well, as weird as it might sound from a girl like me, I-I… actually missed you too” you hugged his arm

“It sounded so weird, but it felt amazing to hear it” he stared at you as a dazzling smile made its way onto his gorgeous face

“Oh really?” you smiled back at him

“You became so wicked? What’s with your ways to dig in deeper into people’s hearts?” he chuckled as he tapped your nose “I almost fluttered at your comment”

“Oh did you?” you tucked your hair behind your ear

“You became so….so…” he was at a loss of words “Feminine? Is that the right word?” he laughed awkwardly “Definitely not the same girl I saw wearing track pants earlier” he chuckled

“I guess that my fairy godmother helped turning me into a princess” you commented as you stared at Jennie and grabbed onto the drinks Yoongi brought over “Thank you, oh lord, why is this so heavy?” you glared at the cup “Yoongi, we’re not aiming to get drunk here.”

“It’s free service for the pretty lady, Accept my drinks and stop belittling my generosity” Yoongi replied in a grumpy tone

“Damn, someone’s not in the mood” you blinked

“Yeah, let’s just drink “Jungkook tried taking the drink from your hand

“There’s no way you’re getting drunk!” you pointed at him “Remember what happened at Jennie’s party two years ago?”

“Well, I was still a kid back then” He commented as he tried grabbing onto the drink another time “I’m a man not a kid, Y/N. I think I know my alcohol tolerance better than you”

“Oh, so you must have drank a lot, back in the states” you raised a brow

“Well yeah, I’ve been out for company dinners with the people I worked with—“

“You’ve been with Park Sooyoung too” You reply a tad bit salty “The least you could do is share some details with me.”

“Well obviously. She’s my workmate” he commented “Now give me back my drink—“

“Not before you tell me more about her”

“Well same goes to you” He suddenly leaned his back against the couch “Namjoon is a dope guy, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been all over him for the past two years” he rolled his eyes “And you never really gave me any details about him either”

“He was my T.A. Even if I wanted to have something to do with him, I would have been be able to do so, because it would be against the rules” you adjusted your dress as it was oddly getting shorter every time you sat down

“Well, in men’s world, there’s no such rules” he took off his blazer and threw it on your lap “T.A or not, if he was interested, then you probably wouldn’t be sitting next to me right now” he leaned his arm over the head of the couch “You’d be somewhere in his closet or something” he sent you a smirk

“In a closet? Wouldn’t that be very uncomfortable?” you blinked

“Well that’s how people do it in the states” Jungkook commented as he slowly shifted closer to you as he locked eyes with your wavering ones

He shifted closer to you as his arm was now around your shoulders, causing you to hold on your breath as his presence was suddenly too close for your personal comfort. His deep gaze piercing onto yours, his delicious scent overwhelming your senses, his majestic nose brushing against your cheek, his lips near your ear, his breath hovering over your neck.

“The closer, the better, they say” He whispered in your ear

“What are you saying?” you felt heat reaching your cheeks as you pressed your palm against his chest, keeping a decent distance between your bodies

“Seems like someone doesn’t like narrow spaces” he clicked his tongue as he stared at your attire “The dress looks nice on you” he tilted his head, staring into you a little too intensely

“C-Can you stop staring at me like that? It’s so awkward” you fanned yourself as you blocked his face with your palm

He gently wrapped his long fingers around your wrist. His warm skin against your cold skin, making you feel all sorts of shivers. Jungkook had soft hands and feeling his skin brushing against yours, only made you weaker for him.

“Come on, take my compliments” he stared at you again, smiling adorably at you, as he slowly brought his face closer to yours “Please?”

“W-Why are you acting so weird?! I don’t know why you’re being like this, but none of this, is right, Jungkook” you stammered, trying to pry his hands off of your wrists

You tried your hardest to deny this unwanted feeling in the pit of your stomach. Excitement and thrill were two things you normally felt around Jungkook, but having them turning into butterflies, wasn’t something you ever expected.

“Why are you so nervous? I’m not going to ravage you or anything like that” he pouted “Why is the look in your eyes, so…” he paused as he tilted your chin with his fingers, locking eyes with you “So hesitant?”

“Because you’re being so flirty, and it’s not like you” your cheeks were fuming in heat

Jungkook tried regaining his composure after hearing your comment. You were right and he was going to do whatever it took to deny such accusations, because he still wasn’t sure of the kind of response you were bound to give him, if he ever tried being serious.

“Flirty?” he scoffed “Me? With you?” he stepped back as he chuckled “Girl. You need to sort out your priorities right! I-I wasn’t flirting with you! I was just complimenting you on your outfit. You’re the one who is weird for acting shy like this “he stuttered before feeling the tip of his ears getting warmer

“Of course, it’s me.” You nodded “You’re sure it’s not you who’s hiding something?”

“I beg to differ. You’re the one who touched my butt first thing in the afternoon.” He crossed his arms over his chest

“That’s because I missed your butt” you argued

“Exactly! That’s weird as f*ck” Jungkook pointed at you

“Man up, Jungkook. What will your future girlfriend say if you get flustered over a small butt tap?”

“You call that a tap on the butt?! You grabbed my butt!” his eyes rounded before adding “And you enjoyed every second of it” he commented in an outraged tone “Your girly outfit definitely contrasts with that wild personality” he chuckled as he attempted to grab his drink from your hold

“I told you I’m not the one who chose to dress up like this. Jennie dressed me up—“

You tried grabbing the drink back from him and it only resulted in a disaster. Pulling the drink towards you only made Jungkook pull it in his direction, which made the drink slip from your hold and drop onto his shirt.

“Oh Well f*ck” your face cringed “I’m so sorry”

“Was that sarcastic?” Jungkook scowled”What can I even expect from you”

You grabbed the nearest napkin to wipe up his shirt as he slowly tried backing away from you. There you were completely oblivious about the kind of physical contact that was going on. His wet dress shirt was now sticking onto his skin and being the innocent girl you were, you weren’t able to notice the see-through effect, until Jungkook urged you to stop dabbing the napkin onto him.

“It’s all good” He tried standing up

“No, hell no! It’s not okay at all” you made him sit back down, as you furrowed your brows, genuinely concerned about the accident “You’re all wet, sit back down”

“Please Y/N. It’s just a shirt. I’ll just go back home and change” he smiled “Relax. This isn’t like you at all. You’re supposed to be laughing at me right now” he patted your soft hair with his large hand “why are you still not making fun of me?”

“Because this shirt probably costs more than my tuition?!” your jaw dropped

“I knew it was too good to be true” he pocked the inside of his cheek with his tongue

“Were you expecting something else?” you blinked

“I’ll let it go because you particularly cute tonight” he squished your cheeks with his hand

“I should thank my fairy godmother, Jennie, then” you nodded  

“Are we talking about this fairy godmother?” Jungkook blinked as he pointed at Jennie “Damn, the witch was a fairy godmother too huh….” he commented

“Obviously? I mean her attempts at making pretty, worked? I don’t know” you stared at the fabric of your dress “I actually look like a girl for once” you chuckled

“Girly or not, you’re still there and that’s what really matters” he dusted off his shirt as he untucked it from his pants

“What do you mean?” you asked him

“No matter how pretty you look or how fancy you dress. There’s still a hint of Y/N residing in there” He commented “ Some people get carried away by the way the dress or look, but even if you’re dressed like a princess, you still have the audacity to drop your drink on me” he chuckled

“I’m sorry, okay? I never meant for this to happen” you buried your face in your palms “I’m such a disaster and somehow I only embarrass myself in front of you”

“What’s there to be embarrassed of, Y/N?” He grabbed onto your soft hand “You were just clumsy…. and kind of cute” he brushed his thumb over you’re the back of your hand

“You’re just trying to comfort me because we’re friends, but look at me? I can’t even stand more than a few seconds in heels, I dropped my drink on you and who knows what the hell is about to happen later tonight” you huffed

“Whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll still make my heart throb” he replied in a low tone before realizing his words “I-I mean, I’m s-sure it’d make anyone’s heart throb” he stuttered

We almost f*cked up right there. Jeon Jungkook, he groaned internally

“You’re so funny Jungkook.” You chuckled heartlessly “Just admit it. I’m a hot mess. Even if I try, I’m still an embarrassment” you hung your head low

“Well, not to Me.” he titled up your chin “You just happen to be attractive in your own little ways.” He commented “Maybe, you’re just not used to this because it’s your first time at a club” he played with your hair

“Yeah, or maybe I just suck at being with people in general” you smiled awkwardly

“Look, to be completely honest with you. I only showed up here because of you and if it wasn’t for you, I’d be at home relaxing in my bath with a glass of wine” he leaned his head back onto the couch “ Believe or not, but I’m exhausted because of my flight and I still didn’t gave a single f*ck and came here for you” he suddenly laced your hands before pulling you in his arms  “So yes, you might be a disaster, but you’re my little disaster, so stop quoting disaster as if it was something bad. I gave up nap time for this disaster and I do not regret any inch of it.”

“Jungkook…” you muttered in his arms

“What?” he gasped

 “What you just said, it was kind of …cute” you slid your arms around his waist, hugging him back “Not to lie, but you almost had me there” you pressed your face onto his shoulder

“Do you want to go back home with me?” he slowly loosened his hold on you “I still need to change my outfit and you know….”

You blush at his sudden offer. He rubs the back of his head as his hair was slightly getting messier than it looked a few minutes earlier. His wet shirt and messy hair made it look like he was out drinking and getting frisky with a few ladies for the last three hours, when in reality he was simply with you. He was still a good looking mess you had to admit. The entirety of this mess looked hotter than what you expected

“I wanted to show you my place” he bite on his bottom lip shyly, staring at you with his goggle eyes “It might seem very weird coming from me at this time of the night, I-I mean, I understand if you refuse! I just wanted you to be the first to see it.” He chewed on his lip “It’s okay if you don’t want it though, It’s almost 10pm and you wouldn’t want to drop by a man’s place at this time of the—“

“Yes, why the hell not?!” you smiled at him “I’d love to see your place! Please invite me” you stood up

“Well damn, someone is very excited about this” he chuckled sexily “I can sleep over too, right?” you nudged him

“Pardon?! I-its night! I-I-I…Y-Y-You” he pointed at you “H-How dare you do this to me?!” he flushed

“You’re still so cute, I was obviously joking” you pinched his nose

“How could I even expect any purity from a girl who casually stole a guy’s first kiss?” he commented

Jungkook chuckled, grabbing onto his blazer as you both exited the club

“You’re still not over that, huh” you shook you head in disbelief

“N-not only that!” he blushed “But a girl who casually breaks inside a grown man’s room—“

“ We were still babies Jungkook. Get over it” you elbowed him in the stomach “Even If I did broke in, what could have had happened in there? You and I, playing overwatch? Yeah that’s pretty much how your brain was functional back in the day” you giggled

“Oh you’d be surprised at the kind of things that went through my mind back in the day” he muttered under his breath

“What did you say?”

You blinked a few times as you both reached Jungkook’s car. He even bothered opening the door for you, like a gentlemen.

“I said that you were quite innocent for believing that kind of outcome!” he pushed your forehead with his knuckles, to get you in the car “Just a reminder that all men turn into beasts after 10th grade”

“Come on, you’re telling me, that you” you pointed at him as he got in the driver’s seat “Were dangerous? You were a fluffy little walnut okay. I pinched your cheeks and kicked your butt whenever I wanted to”

“That’s because it was me” he smirked “You think that other guys would’ve let you do such things?”

“You think so?” You asked

Jungkook turned on the engine as he started reversing the car, turning his head around, a hand behind your seat, turning the steering wheel with one hand, constantly stretching his sexy neck to the side. You gulped on your saliva as you watched him as he maneuvered his way out of the parking lot.

“You changed so much…” you let out a sigh as you watched him driving “You became too handsome to be Jungkook”

“Uh? Thank you?” he half chuckled as he watched the road “Should I take this as a compliment? Or was it an insult?”

“Both” you nodded

“Sure thing, thank you, I guess” he commented

…

Today, Jungkook’s apartment, Seoul district, 11: 00 PM

Jungkook fiddled through his pockets before finding the key to his apartment. You chuckled as you watched him struggling against the tightness of his pockets. Tight pants were never a good option when you want to keep your keys in your pockets, and Jungkook would know this better than anyone else after this night.

“Seriously, why am I doing this to myself?” He sighed as he opened the door to his place

“Seems like you became handsome, but not so smart, huh?” you nudged him as you walked past him, entering his apartment

Your eyes widened as you eyed the modern looking furniture. The aesthetic was all black and white and it looked classier than what you ever expected. The white leather couches only looked more elegant and defined next to the glassy dining table, and the huge windows near the coffee table. The View from these windows was stunning and you internally cursed as you caught yourself up making romantic scenarios in your head. There you were day dreaming about making morning coffee, breathing the fresh air as Jungkook would sneakily slide his arms around your waist, back hugging you and kissing your jaw.

“So? What do you think” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck shyly “I mean… it’s not that much, but it still looks good, right?”

“Not much?” your jaw dropped “Are you kidding me? You basically built a kingdom of your own while I’m still drowning under a shit ton of debts” You smacked the back of his head

“Ouch? That hurts?” He tilted his head as he grabbed onto your wrist

“Sorry, it must be because I’m envious of you” you huffed “Perfect job, Perfect car, perfect hair, and Perfect apartment and probably…. Perfect Significant other too….” You paused “You have everything, I ever wanted” you ran your fingers through his hair, massaging the spot you smacked

“Why would you be envious?” his soft eyes gazed into yours “What’s mine is yours.” He ruffled your hair

“Hey, this isn’t like in kindergarten, kook. We’re not about to share a few Pokémon cards” you chuckled “You’re all cute saying that, but we’re not kids anymore, you can’t say these kind of things, especially when it involves a car and an apartment.” you added before catching onto what he said “O-Only couples share these k-kinds of things” you stammered as your cheeks were now tinted red, before you realized his previous words “But wait? Doesn’t that mean that we can share your significant other as well?” you raised a brow before bursting into laughter “Damn, You’re really an amazing friend Jungkook” you punched his arm

“Well I have no significant other, yet. We’ll see when that happens” He poked your cheek before squishing them like he always does “If it ever happens then what I am supposed to tell her? Dear Girlfriend, This is Y/N. I share everything with her, therefore our relationship shall include her in the bunch” he held onto his tummy as he laughed his ass off “Are you going to get laid with us as well?” he smirked

“No f*cking way” your eyes rounded

“Why not?” he stepped closer to you

“I have better things to do than to witness you and your girlfriend getting all cozy on a Friday night” you rolled your eyes

“Oh baby, you want me all to yourself, right?” he gave you a flirty gaze

“ Look at you trying to be smooth” you raised a brow “I’m sure you’ll remain single for the rest of your life with those kind of pickup lines” you tapped his nose “ Now show me to your bedroom” you leaned against the couch

“Uhm, and May I know why I should be doing such a crazy thing?” he tilted his head

“Because I’m visiting your place, isn’t it a given that I see your bedroom?”

“You’re really setting your own self for danger, you know that?” Jungkook coughed “It’s almost midnight and you’re there inviting yourself in a grown man’s bedroom. The kind of things you do. I swear to god… ” he sighed before grabbing your arm and pulling you inside the room

Your jaw dropped at the amount of beautiful details in that room. The white walls were decorated with a silver clock and a few paintings. The white fluffy bed sheets made you smile. Jungkook was still the same childish kid. His love for soft and fluffy things didn’t change. Just as you were about to sit on the bed, you heard a small yelp.

“What was that?” You turned around “Are you hiding a dead body in this room or something?” you blinked

“That must be…” he turned around, spotting his puppy “Jelly, did you miss daddy that much?” he kissed the tip of her cute nose

You gasped as you noticed the puppy you last saw two years ago. The small Pomeranian grew beautifully and still looked as fluffy as ever. Jungkook took great care of her and you could tell from how excited and joyful she was when she saw him.

“Well, I’m sure that daddy can let me hold her, now that she’s all grown up, right?” you opened your arms to grab the puppy

“ No way” He held the puppy tightly against his chest “ Jelly is still my child” he stared at her “ No matter how old she gets” he kissed her nose again “If you really want to hold her, then I’ll have to officially introduce you guys”  

“Sure, go ahead” you stared at the cute puppy in awe

“Jelly, we have to talk about something very important” he stared at the puppy very seriously

Jelly licked her lips as she blinked innocently

“What is he saying now?” you rolled your eyes “Let me hold her already” you tapped your feet

“To tell you the truth, daddy…is not a single parent” he rubbed his dog’s fur

The puppy tilted her head

“What?” you furrowed your brows, very confused

“You had a mother all this time” he faked crying as he hugged the puppy “I always hid you from her and always talked to you about her during the past two years we spent in the states and I’m sorry for that, but it was for your own good”

“Oh dear lord, you must be kidding me” you shook your head in disbelief “We’re parents now?”  you raised a brow

“I know Y/N might reject her mother status, but she dearly loves you. She might hate daddy, but she loves you” he petted the dog

“I don’t hate daddy, what you are saying?” you nudged his arm “Daddy is the one who hid you from me from the past 2 years, god only knows why” you glared at him

“Well daddy just wanted to protect his Jelly” he sent you a glare

“Jelly needed a mother figure for all of this time” you melted as you held her

“ It’s so weird” Jungkook frowned as he watched you holding his puppy

“What is?” you nuzzled the puppy

“Jelly usually dislike women getting near her” he chuckled “She tried biting Sooyoung back then and she licked Lisa’s leg to annoy her”

“Then why is she not hating me?”

“Maybe because she saw you when she was still a baby?” he smiled “Or maybe because she’s just like me?” he ruffled the puppy’s fur “Right Jelly?”

“Right” you rolled your eyes “Are you ever going to change your outfit? I thought we came here for that”

“Yeah” he nodded before reaching his closet and searching for a shirt “Now if you’ll excuse me” he slowly pushed you out of his room

“Oh, so now you’re kicking me out?”

“Unless you want me to strip before your eyes, I suggest you get lost” he scrunched his nose

“I will get lost” you nodded sarcastically as you brought the puppy with you “Jelly, your daddy is a pervert” you stared at the Pomeranian

“I heard that” Jungkook shouted as he locked his door

“Oh did you?” you shouted back as you made your way back into the living room, staring at the walls  “ Why is this apartment so darn gorgeous?” you sighed “ This successful little bastard, is more amazing than what I ever expected” you nodded as you made your way into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator “ Oh, food” your eyes lit up

You gasped as you noticed a hand, other than yours, closing the refrigerator. You felt your palm getting sweaty as you recognized his overwhelming delicious scent and his veiny hands on each side of your head, trapping you against the refrigerator.

“Don’t even think about it” his low husky voice commented in your ear before walking away from you

“Uhm, I’m a guest?!” you furrowed your brows “Is this how you treat your guests?” you pouted

“Just come here and stop complaining” he wrapped his arms around your waist as his hoisted you up easily, walking towards the living room

“Why are you lifting me up? Let me go” you tried prying his hands off you

“Just be quiet and enjoy your time here” he dropped you on the couch

“I want food”

“And I want to relax” he stared at you

“I hate you”

“Bite me” he stuck out his tongue

“I will do it, if you don’t feed me” you glared at him

“Just sit down and let us enjoy some peace, please”

He pulled your arm, making you fall perfectly in his embrace, head pressed against his chest, arms around his waist, you could clearly hear his heartbeat. Jungkook leaned his back on the couch, making you lay on him. You relaxed in his embrace as he gently petted your hair and held you tightly, enjoying the scent of your hair and your soft touch that he missed so much.

“At last, it feels like I’m at home” you heard his voice vibrating through his chest

“And it feels like I’m literally crushing you” you stuttered “Are you sure, I’m not heavy or something? Because I gained like five pounds since summer started, just saying” you commented as you pressed your chin on his chest, staring at him from the low angle, yet he still looked dazzling and even sexier from there.

“And I love it” he squeezed your arm “You’re so cute for calling yourself heavy. I’m a man who can lift three chairs at the same time”

“You’re really weird, you know that” you pulled on the strings of his hoodie “I wonder who’ll get to occupy the spot here” you poked his chest

“The spot in my chest? Since when did anyone rented out their chests to others? Well I’m currently renting it out to your head” he chuckled

“I’m talking about your heart, idiot” you giggled

“Oh that spot” he gently hovered his hand over yours as he brought it against his chest “That spot has been occupied by lots of things for the past twenty years. I doubt it has any space to welcome anyone new” he stared down at your long lashes, feeling his heart racing

“Seems like I’ll really have to buy you cats from now onwards.” You shook your head “You will need my help to find a potential mate, Jungkook”

Why can’t she bite on the bait already? This girl is so oblivious, it hurts!

“Well easier said than done. You keep on getting salty every time I talk about how a girl looks pretty” he smirked “IS it jealousy? Or did you wished the comments were directed to you?”

“I wasn’t being salty! I was just being rational. Chaeyoung isn’t any girl you can start hitting on.” You grasped onto the fabric of his sweatshirt “She’s the dean’s one and only daughter. You cannot get close to her” you nudged him

“Is she of royal blood or something? She’s just like any other girl. Sure, she looks hot but she’s just like any other living human. I don’t see what all of this fuss is over her being the dean’s daughter. Especially Jimin… I don’t get what’s wrong with him for being such a dick to her” he commented

“Well, believe it or not. Jimin is apparently having a secret crush on her. You know he can’t express his feelings that well, right?” You commented

“That bastard, he’s all talk, saying that I suck at talking to ladies, and look at him going .Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.” Jungkook shook his head in disbelief

“Well, Jimin knows how to talk to girls, he just seems to be like this around Chaeyoung”   you added

“Love makes people do all sorts of things, doesn’t it?”

“W-Well, I doubt I’d ever know that” you smiled awkwardly

“You never fell in love?” Jungkook tilted his head

“I doubt you’re one to talk” you drew circles on his chest with your finger

“Wrong” his sexy voice vibrated through his chest “Believe it or not but I think I know what love feels like”

“What does it feel like, then?”

“Love is like when you wake up in the morning and wish that person was next to you and not on the other side of the planet”

Now please pick up the hints. Because I don’t know what else to do

“Oh, so I guess you miss Sooyoung already” you rolled your eyes

“Oh lord, what is she saying now” he groaned in an annoyed tone “Why can’t you get it already?” he  muttered

“Get what?”

“Why are you always bringing up Sooyoung in the bunch? I don’t like her the way you think I do” he whined “Maybe if you stopped paying attention to others, you’d understand that your answer is closer than you’d think”

“You really tried making me believe you fell in love, huh?” you commented “ There’s no  way in hell that ever happened”  you sighed “ Guess, I’ll really have to get broke in order to buy you these twelve cats” you huffed

Jungkook clenched his fist as he stared at your lips blabbering are sorts of things he didn’t want to hear. This was about you and him, yet it almost seemed like you tried changing topics on purpose. There was no way you were that oblivious about the situation.

“If you want to find me a girl that bad but don’t want to spend a dime to help me find her, then why don’t you be my girl? Wouldn’t that be the fastest solution?” he tilted your chin, eyeing your lips “Just give me an answer and stop beating around the bush, Y/N” he propped himself on his elbows, as you were still laying on his chest until you raised your head up, locking eyes with him “To be honest with you…” he gathered his courage to tell you his deepest feelings “I wanted this night to be special for us”

“S-Special?” you grasped onto the fabric of his shirt with your fists

“Yeah, just about you and I, no one else” he cupped your cheek “So stop bringing up Sooyoung or anyone else in the picture, because this is supposed to be my night with you” he affirmed in a low voice

“T-Then what did you plan for this night?” you stammered

“I thought we could have a serious talk, for once” he played with a strand of your hair “and talk about how we feel”

“Is this a therapy session or something?” you chuckled

“Well, yes and no.” he chuckled as well “I want to know how you genuinely feel towards me and I-….” He paused “I’d like to tell you about my real feelings”

“R-Real feelings?”

Your eyes rounded as you buried your face on his chest, hiding your face from his soft gaze that suddenly looked intimidating to you. Jungkook slowly brushed a strand of your hair with his long fingers as he gently grabbed your hand in his, lacing your fingers to his.

“I know you want to hide and never talk about it, but I believe we’ve been quiet for too many years about this topic” he stared at the crown of your head “It’s been 15 years, Y/N.  I believe we should have this talk”

“And I feel like I’m about to feel extremely awkward and embarrassed” you grasped onto the fabric of his shirt as muffled your voice onto his chest

“And why would you ever feel this way around me? I’m your best friend, Y/N, please don’t be like this” he petted your hair “All I ever wanted was for us to not hide anything from each other”

“It’s not your fault, Jungkook” you slowly lifted up your head from his chest “It’s me who isn’t ready.”

“Ready for that?” he raised a brow

“Well, I see exactly what’s coming next. You’re going to ask me if you want us to be something more than just friends who are friends,  and I’m going to freak out because I’m nowhere near ready to have a f*ck buddy”

“W-what?” Jungkook stuttered as he stared at you “You thought what?”

“Oh lord, have I made another mistake?” you cringed your face “I really suck at interpreting things.” you hid your face on his chest

“Well you sure do suck at it because this is definitely not the reason why I wanted us to have alone time.” he chuckled before adding “I don’t want your body Y/N”

“I knew you’d say that.” You groaned against his chest

“Why? Disappointed much?” He laughed as he stared at you

“More like, betrayed?” you poked his chest “ I thought, that you , out of all cruel men on this planet, would at least acknowledge my body and not let me down like this” you shook your head cutely “ I cannot believe you. I thought we were friends” you held on your heart dramatically “I mean… I would’ve smashed you if you were to be as lonely as I am. That’s how great I am, Jungkook. The kind of things I’d do for you and then there’s you…. ” You commented dramatically “I still feel betrayed”

“You would smash me if I was to be a lonely single man?” He threw his head back as he laughed endlessly “That’s so sweet of you” he tapped your nose “You’re so cute and filial, almost like a wife…” he cupped your cheek “Or should I say…. A partner in crime” he giggled

“You ruined it with your last comment” you sent him a playful side glare

“ Look, I’m not made to be romantic!” he argued “I’ve been trying to tell you something for the past 2 hours and somehow it just doesn’t want to come out because you keep on distracting me”

“Then just tell me, I’m listening. What’s this big thing that’s been going on for the past 15 years?” you leaned your cheek onto his chest, giving him direct eye contact, making him more nervous than he already was

“Well, I’d like to ask you a question first” he gulped on his saliva hesitantly “Uhm… How do you feel towards me? You said you’d smash me a few seconds earlier… but why would you ever do that?”

“Because I care” you blurt out without thinking much “I mean… as a good friend, I must be there when you need it”

“Would you do the same for Jimin?” Jungkook raised a brow

“Jimin is like my brother” you cringed

“Then what about me? If jimin is like a brother to you, then what am I supposed to be?” he paused before staring into your eyes “Do you know what kind of girl you are to me?”

“N-No, should I be asking?” You blinked as Jungkook pressed his index on your lips, hushing you

“You’re no friend to me” he added

“What?!” Your jaw dropped “You’re going to break off our friendship after all of these—“

“ No, but I’m planning on doing it if you keep on interrupting me” he clasped a hand on your lips as he smiled sarcastically “ I beg you, let me talk for three minutes and then you can talk all you want”

“Sorry” you pouted as you sent him a sneaky glance “I like interrupting you, though” you fluttered your lashes

“I swear to god, next time you interrupt me, I’ll seal that mouth with a kiss” he pulled on your cheek as he pushed you off of his body, sitting on the couch as he played ruffled his hair shyly

“Okay, okay, I’ll shut up” you rolled your eyes as were now sitting next to him on the couch

“So as I was saying…” he stared at his hands, avoiding your eyes “ I remember us playing in kindergarten and getting mud all over your dress, and the time I went to Boston when was I was nine. You might be unaware of it, but It always felt weird not having you around, and when I saw that sparkling bow, I immediately thought of you and that’s why I ever got it for you.” he smiled nostalgically

“What about the time I was a selfish jerk who took your Pokémon cards because you lost against me at a game? Well, believe it or not but I wanted to complete the collection and gift it to you for your 13th birthday, but it never happened because I was afraid you wouldn’t like it, you stopped collecting these cards after all.” he stared at you

“Then we got in middle school and I suddenly started getting weird and you felt left out because of me. I never wanted to be that way, but I guess that puberty got the best of me and I was afraid of being around you. I remember seeing you under a new light during freshman year in high school. I thought I was delusional forever thinking of you in such a way, but my body reacted before my mind did and I was wrong for not following what my heart wanted. That time I almost kissed you, I was afraid of realizing my deepest feelings about this relationship. I avoided that kiss, yet you got the best of me and stole it from me and that’s when I got the confirmation. The way I reacted to you, the reason why I avoided hugging you, the reason why I was always so overwhelmed in your presence….It was all because I changed. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I liked you since kindergarten because you were my one and only best partner in crime, but that kiss made me realize that I looked at you, the way a man looked at a woman” he bite on his lip

“ and getting apart from you for these past two years , made me realized so much more. How much I ever yearned for your touch and your comforting presence. I’d torture myself at night thinking you could be somewhere flirting with some other guy and forgetting about me, living your campus life to its fullest, yet… here you are” he tilted your chin, locking eyes with you “With me” he stared at your eyes before alternating to your lips “I liked you and held back for the sake of our friendship, but I believe It’s time for me to let this out of my chest.” He breathed

“I waited for years and I can’t seem to have that patience anymore. The only thought of having you slipping through my fingers frightens me every second of the day, because I can’t let you go. ” He gently laces your fingers together as he noticed your eyes avoiding his. “Don’t try changing topics. Don’t try avoiding me.” He gently cupped your cheek

“This is the last bit of courage I held onto for years. I was frightened of this day and it has finally came.” He suddenly stared at the floor with the most heartbroken face you saw “What if she rejects me? What if she wants to cut ties? What if she’s disgusted? So many scary thoughts went through my mind, but I thought….being her lover is worth this kind of sacrifice. I thought, if there’s the latest bit of chance that I can be a man for her through this stupid love confession, then it’s worth it.If there’s a tiny possibility. A 0.01% that she might like me back, then all of this might be worth it. This is how at last, I wanted to say these words for the past 15 years. I love you as a man, Y/N”

You held onto your heart as you felt it tighten, tears were forming in the crease of your eyes. Jungkook had so much on his heart for the past years yet you failed to notice anything. He was afraid of confessing to you and this was the hugest blow for you. Thinking about how tormented he must’ve felt everytime he especially emphasized the word ‘friend’ when it came to both of you.

All the times he friend zoned you when he actually loved you with all of his heart. All these times he wanted to protect your friendship by shielding his feelings from you. All these times he pretended being alright when you were being apart. All these times he made sure you felt worthy enough.

“ You’re such a big idiot” waterfalls were drowning your eyes “ You kept this in here” you punched his chest with your fist “ for all of these years and you never told me about it”  you pulled his shirt closer to your face as you buried your face against his chest, sobbing endlessly “ I can’t believe you”

“Am I about to be rejected? This is why you’re crying, right?” he wiped off a tear escaping his shining eyes “Damn, I should’ve kept my stupid feelings to myself” he sniffled heartlessly “I’m indeed an idiot for ruining our friendship like this. I should’ve known you’d never want someone like me”

“Can you stop breaking my heart, Jeon Jungkook?” You punched his chest another time “What? I’d never want someone like you? I might be disgusted? I might want to cut ties? I might reject you...” you paused as you distanced your face from his chest to lock eyes with him

“Jeon Jungkook, do you realize how absurd you sound?” you softly cupped his cheek “You were already too good for me to begin with. How dare you believe such things? Who allowed you to think I’d ever hate you for this? I already felt thankful to be your friend. When I was sobbing on the playground, you’re the one who held my hand and told me to stop crying because girls are prettier when they smile. You’re the one who lent me your jacket when I was cold. You’re the one who skipped on your parents’ business trips to spend the summer with me, you’re the one who didn’t date just to care of me my clumsiness during high school. You’re the one who made me confident when I didn’t felt good in my skin. You’re the one who told me I didn’t need makeup to be beautiful. I never did anything for you, yet you were always there for me. I kissed you because I genuinely wanted you to be my first kiss. It felt okay because I wanted my first to be with you, yet you stepped back from me. . In middle school, when we had bio classes together and you always pushed me away for asking too many questions. Why was I ever curious about you, Jungkook? Because I was attracted to you. Asking you all sorts of weird questions was my way to grow even closer to you. Hearing you complimenting other girls, often ticked me off because I wished you could look at me the way you looked at them. I always wanted to look attractive in your eyes, but eventually gave up on it because you only liked me as a friend… I guess we’re both huge idiots in the end, because I never noticed your feelings and you obviously didn’t notice mine either. I guess it takes two idiots to make an idiotic relationship and we’re perfectly cut for that. I love you more, Jeon Jungkook.”

You avoided his eyes shyly as you told him about your deepest feelings. Jungkook on his side was wondering if this whole dialogue was some dream or illusion, blaming it on alcohol. There was no way were reciprocating any of his feelings. You, who always disregarded him or changed topics whenever he tried bringing topics regarding feelings.

Shook was being all plastered on his face. He was feeling hot, bothered and extremely confused about this situation. What if all of this was a dream? He never wanted to wake up. It’s only when you whooped your head up to stare at him that he regained conscience, he gulping on his saliva, realizing how real the situation was.

“I don’t see why you’re staring at me with that shook facial expression.” You blushed a few shades of red “S-Seal the deal and Kiss me you big idiot.” Stammered “O-Or I should do it just like in middle school? Jungkook… are you seriously going to repeat history?” you sighed “I guess I’ll be taking our first official kiss as well—“

You gasped as you slowly melted against his soft yet masculine grip on your waist. Overwhelmed with your fruity scent, he softly cupped your cheek in the gentlest way you could imagine. You were like a treasure to him and his act only confirmed this belief. You felt your heart pounding as the masculine scent of his cologne made its way your nostrils. You felt taken over as his fingers gripped onto the fabric of your shirt clearly marking his territory. You were now his. His minty breath was slowly driving you insane – and just as you parted your lips to breath, the boy jumped on his first genuine occasion to feel you.  Slowly pressing his velvety lips against your trembling ones.

Lost in thoughts only wanting to confirm his feelings once again. That livid yet delicate way to brush his tongue against yours, slowly conveying his truest feelings through the kiss. His deepest desire combined with his wish to protect the woman he loved was all conveyed through his kissing. It was as if he wanted to take care of you like a jewel yet devour you like a forbidden fruit. Lost between the best of both worlds, Jungkook kissed you hungrily, enjoying every inch of your feverish state for him. He yearned for your touch for all of these years and this kiss only accentuated how desperate he was for you.

He was right after all, a drop of your sweetness would make him eager to taste more. That middle school kiss left him pending during 6 years, wondering when he could ever get to press his lips onto yours ever again, and tonight was the answer. His fingers softly hovered on your bare shoulder, sending shivers down your spine as you slowly pulled him by the collar of his shirt, wanting to eliminate any space remaining between your sensitive bodies. His hand brushing against your soft hair and gently resting on the curve of your waist. Jungkook immersed himself in you as he could taste your deliciousness through a kiss, slowly making you lay backwards on the couch, now his body hovering over yours, making your back hit the mattress .

The boy smiled against your lips as he felt your fingers raking through his luscious apple scented hair- begging for more. He knew it was time for him to let go.

“How long do you want this kiss to last, Y/N?” he gently chuckled as he brushed a strand of hair away from your face “I almost stopped breathing” he gently touched your bottom lip “Your lips are swollen” he stared at you seductively

“And so are yours” you poked his bottom lip as you hid your face “This is so embarrassing”

“For the record, I got to admit. You’re a good kisser” he bite on his bottom lip

“Y-You’re not bad yourself” you blushed a third shade of red

“I can’t believe this is the kind of thing I missed for the past 6 years” he sighed as he pulled you in his arms “I’m such an idiot for not reciprocating that kiss in middle school, damn it” he groaned “I thought about it but I never did it” he stared at you “Who could have thought that I would be missing on such an amazing feeling”

“Y-You wanted to reciprocate the kiss back then?”

“Yeah well, I had this thought were I wondered how it would feel if I ever tried moving my lips against yours, but I shrugged it off. I mean… I was already afraid you’d regret kissing me”

“That kiss was what made me realize that you were the one, Jeon Jungkook” you gently laced your hands together

“What are you talking about?! You copycat! It’s me who realized my feelings due to that kiss!”  Jungkook replied in a childish tone

“I initiated that kiss for a reason, you idiot!” you galred at him

“I don’t care, I still liked you first!” he pulled on your cheek

“Well, I got jealous first so shut up!”

“W-What?” Jungkook stuttered

“That girl from your bio class…” you sighed “It always bothered me to think that you liked her…” you hung your head low

“You’re the most oblivious woman I ever heard of” Jungkook chuckled “That girl from the bio class, was you. I couldn’t tell you who it was, because it was you” he ruffled your hair “You were jealous of your own self? Now that’s f*cking hilarious” he laughed out loud

“Stop laughing, you SON OF A—“you raised your fist to punch his chest and he grabbed your wrist

“You’re a weird oblivious girl who often threatens to hit me when she can’t admit her deepest feelings, but always remember  that this is why I fell for you” he pressed his lips on your knuckles, like a prince does to his soon-to-be queen

“S-Shut up” you felt your heart pounding

“You’re flustered.” He stared into your eyes before blushing and slapping his cheeks “Damn why are you so adorable?! Seriously. I’m losing my shit over how cute you look when you deny the truth”

“You’re driving me nuts! Stop calling me cute. It’s so weird” you hid your face

“No, you’re driving me nuts.” He wrapped his arms around your smaller frame, hugging your tightly “I love you so much, it’s driving me nuts”

“No, I love you” you pressed your lips against his rosy cheek, making him more shook than ever, immediately hiding your face on his chest, melting in his arms, engulfed in his amazingly scented shirt “I’m cringing now, so shut up. Don’t look at me”

“Are you seeking to kill me? My heart is going to explode for f*ck’s sake. You should be illegal. I’m hurting.” he held onto his chest as he kissed your ears, causing you to burst into a havoc of giggles because it was ticklish “Vengeance is sweet” he chuckled

This was how many first times were bound to occur. Many firsts that would make you fall deeper for your lover, firsts that would challenge your relationship, firsts that would make you realize how important Jungkook ever was in your life.

...

TO BE CONTINUED...

TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE ASK BOX AND COMMENTS SECTION!

[books-and-or-wine]

Fourth Post / On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong

It is February, which means I made it through dry(ish) January! Which also means I’m back on my shit. This review is brought to you by:

As for the subject of this week’s review, the novel du jour is my February book club read. I always wanted to be in a book club, and after moving to Vancouver I was lucky enough to meet a friend who (a) wanted to start one, and (b) had enough friends who were interested in joining that it actually became a thing. Which was great, because I had literally 3 friends in the city at the time, so I wasn’t much help in the recruitment department... I mean, I still only have 3 friends, but now I also have ~*BoOk~cLuB*~. 

ON EARTH WE’RE BREIFLY GORGEOUS by OCEAN VUONG

**Spoilers ahead, read with caution**

The Premise:

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous traces the life of “Little Dog”, a Vietnamese immigrant living in Hartford, Connecticut. The story is told in the form of a letter to his mother and spans from his childhood up until early adulthood. While this story is a work of fiction, my understanding is that Ocean Vuong drew heavily on his own life and experiences in its telling. 

We read about the relationship between Little Dog and his mother: a single-mom who suffers from PTSD and fits of anger. She cannot read or write, nor can she speak English very well. She relies on Little Dog to help them navigate their new life in America, and while their relationship has problems, she ultimately wants what’s best for him.  

We read about the relationship between Little Dog and his grandmother: Lam suffers from schizophrenia, and often confuses the present day with the past. She recounts her life in Vietnam during the war, getting pregnant with an American soldier, and eventually escaping the war-torn country with her young family. Even though her mind is half-gone, she is always loving, supportive and kind. 

Finally, we read about the relationship between Little Dog and his lover: a red-neck, white boy who can’t or won’t accept the fact that he is gay. Trevor is tragically addicted to opiates after an accident in his teens led to an OxyContin prescription. The dynamic between Little Dog and Trevor is far from healthy, and borders on abusive at times. 

Through this all, we get to read about and experience Little Dog’s inner workings; his reactions to these people, these relationships, and the circumstances of his life. At its heart this is a coming-of-age story, over the course of which Little Dog matures and grows into his own person -- flawed, damaged, and briefly gorgeous. 

The Pros:

In reading this book, it is instantly apparent that Ocean Vuong comes from a poetry background. His writing style is highly poetic, ethereal, and is a “delight to the senses” (if I may be allowed to use one cliché phrase in this review). I do mean that in the literal sense of the phrase though -- the images, the sounds, the textures, the scents, the feelings... Vuong describes all of these elements to create a highly sensory experience for the reader. His hybrid style of poetic-prose is a big part of what makes this book so special.  

For example, a passage that grabbed me early on in the book reads:

“You once told me that the human eye is god’s loneliest creation. How so much of the world passes through the pupil and still it holds nothing. The eye, alone in its socket, doesn’t even know there’s another one, just like it, an inch away, just as hungry, as empty.”

How beautiful is that!? It leaves such a sad, hollow feeling in me to think about -- which is not necessarily a feeling I’m looking for, but the fact that Vuong can write something so powerful that I am made to feel that way is a testament to his talent. 

Speaking of the feels, I was in tears on more than one occasion in this book. All of the characters in this book carry a sadness with them, and for good reasons. Everyone has a tragic past, and it seems like those pasts continue to haunt them presently. Through this darkness, though, there are moments of light and beauty and love. Little Dog seems to reflect on the difficulty of experiencing such highs and lows, at page 122:

“Do you remember the happiest day of your life? What about the saddest? Do you ever wonder if sadness and happiness can be combined, to make a deep purple feeling, not good, not bad, but remarkable simply because you didn’t have to live on one side or the other?”

This book was definitely not a deep purple sort of book, but it was remarkable all the same. I couldn’t help but become emotionally invested in the lives of these characters, and the words Vuong used to so vividly create them. 

The Cons:

I was initially doubtful this book would appeal to me, as it doesn’t fit neatly into the categories of books I am typically drawn to. While I am now glad to have read this book, one thing I did find challenging about it was the sheer number of issues it sought to address. Over the course of only 243 pages we read about:

1. war;

2. PTSD and other mental illnesses;

3. racism and the immigrant experience;

4. homophobia and the gay experience;

5. abuse;

6. addiction and the opioid crisis; and

7. death;

.. to name a few! You could have a whole book about just one of these topics, let alone all of them. 

I do think Vuong’s writing style enables the reader to consume these serious themes more easily than one otherwise would; because his prose is so beautiful and light (the words almost seeming to float off the page) it counterbalances the weightiness of these topics. But all the same, for my personal tastes, I think I would have enjoyed this book more if Vuong had focused on a few of these topics rather than overburdening the reader with so much to process. I appreciate that in real life some people do have tragedy upon tragedy befall them, and that their lives are filled with a heaviness that they didn’t get to choose. But this is supposedly a work of fiction, and the beauty of fiction is that, as the author, you do get to decide what happens to your characters. So maybe cut them some slack?

The Final Take-away:

This is not a book I would have chosen for myself to read, but that is one of the best things about being in a book club -- it exposes you to authors and stories you might not otherwise be. Despite my initial reservations, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous was an excellent read. “Gorgeous” is really the perfect word, as everything about Ocean Vuong’s story-telling was beautiful. Even the ugly bits. I don’t think this is a book for everyone -- it can be a bit abstract at times and deals with a lot of frankly depressing material. But if you have any sort of appreciation for the beauty of words and all the journeys they can take you on -- including those journeys into dark, difficult places and feelings -- then I’d give this book a try. 

[dontshootmespence]

In a Heartbeat

A/N: After watching the animated short In a Heartbeat, (WATCH IT) I can’t help but think of how Spencer would feel after watching it. Like he’s still in the closet when it comes to the fact that he’s bi, but watching this makes him feel like he could come out, so here that is. @coveofmemories @sexualemobitch @jamiemelyn @unstoppableangel8 @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @hogwarts-konoha

                                                             -----

“Oh my god, Jayge, you have to watch it. It’s one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen and it has such a positive message. Every beautiful child should watch it, and frankly, I think it should be required viewing for all people.” Spencer heard Garcia rambling to JJ as she got off the elevator after coming back from lunch, but for the life of him, he couldn’t tell what she was referencing. “It’s a four minute long animated short that could easily be life-changing for someone who’s struggling with their sexuality.”

That caught Spencer’s attention. He’d never told anyone he was bisexual. There had never been a need in his eyes because he’d always had feelings for women, but one day last year he found himself developing a crush on the cute barista that worked behind the counter of his favorite coffee shop; he’d been crushed when he found out he was already seeing someone, but ever since, he’d been examining his feelings, wondering if they were a passing fancy, a sign of his loneliness, or possibly a true indication of his identity. He’d come to the conclusion that he definitely liked men too, but he’d never said anything to his friends, fearing they might look at him differently. 

While Garcia pulled JJ to the side to show her the video she loved so much, Spencer rolled a million thoughts around his big brain like they were in a tumble dryer. On the one hand, his team loved him. They fought for the rights of everyone on a daily basis, but what if one of them couldn’t handle the fact that he liked men too. Would Morgan see him differently? Hotch? Emily? He’d always been so afraid that they wouldn’t look at him the same way despite all the evidence to the contrary. Apparently, he’d been lost in his thoughts for about four minutes, because when he turned back around, JJ’s eyes were glazed over with tears. “That’s so beautiful.” She was fanning her eyes to dry the tears, which was definitely not her. That was a Garcia move. “Oh, I love that. I’m going to have to show that to Henry.”

The rest of the day went by as it normally did, with various teams in and out of the bullpen, tears, frustration, joy and hope. Even on paperwork days, there was always something going on, but through it all, Spencer couldn’t help but think about this little cartoon that apparently had something to do with sexuality. All day he found himself wanting to watch it, but he didn’t want to do it in front of anyone, so he decided to wait until he got home.

By the time he got home, he would’ve been embarrassed to confess how many hours he’d spent thinking about this little cartoon. It had been all day practically, with the exception of random conversations with Hotch and Emily. As he sat on the couch, his legs crossed in a heap in front of him, he pulled out his phone and searched for the cartoon Garcia had mentioned. It was something called In a Heartbeat.

The music started and immediately he felt a peace he couldn’t describe. The notes were joyous, sweet and hopeful. Watching as the little red-headed boy swooned over the boy he was crushing on made him feel like a kid again, realizing that love transcended childhood and adulthood. If you were lucky, you’d felt it in a ton of different ways, with a variety of people over the course of a lifetime. As a child, he’d been that way with girls, feeling as though they were so out of his league.

The boy’s heart started to beat out of his chest - literally. Spencer found the image so perfect, because although the phrase “my heart’s beating out of my chest,” tended to be a cheesy one, it could also be 100 percent true. When he’d seen the barista, his smile and the way his dimples rounded out his already perfect face, Spencer’s heart had done just that. The heart racing, the stupid grin, the blushing - all of it was spot on.

That little heart. It made Spencer want to smile until his face broke. The imagery was great. The object of his affections literally holding his heart in his hands. Even if he had plucked up the courage to talk to the barista, it wouldn’t have worked considering he was taken, but the little heart made Spencer want to confess his feelings the moment he had them for the next person that made him feel the same way. The little heart dragged the boy all over the place, through the dirt and bushes and towards the school and that’s when Spencer knew the little cartoon was going to get heavy before giving the audience the happy ending. 

The young boy’s fear had mirrored his own. Having people see him for who he truly was could be absolutely terrifying; he didn’t even want to think about what he would’ve done if he’d been struggling with these feelings in high school. As if he didn’t get his ass kicked enough. Spencer’s eyes started to water as the heart tried desperately to keep the two together, but the judgement caused him to rip his heart in half and run for cover - away from judgement and prying eyes.  Tears fell onto the screen as the music turned somber for a moment. The redhead held his broken heart in his hands, but just as Spencer wiped his own tears away, the object of the young boy’s affections came back with the other piece of his heart in hand, with the cartoon ending with the boys sitting side by side, hopeful about what was to come. 

He wasn’t really sure how to feel, but Spencer knew that this little 4-minute long animated short spoke to him in a positive way. Getting up from the couch, he went to start dinner, all the while contemplating the meaning of the short in relation to his life. He wasn’t about to scream from the rooftops that he was bisexual, but maybe next time he saw a man that made his heart race, he’d allow his heart to pull him in that direction without fear of what anyone else would think.

[nathaen-blog1]

Part II

Part 2: Family and History

Immediate Family:

Nathaen is the eldest son of Lord Darran Sutherland, the Marquis of Windforge, and Lady Asara Mardenhall, of Lordaeron. Both of his parents live but he possesses no other siblings.

Distant Family:

His father’s younger sister, Adeline, married into the prominent Kul Tiran noble line of de Laurentis. Through that marriage, his uncle (now deceased) and his aunt bore several sons. As he was born in Boralus after a particularly hard Windforge winter, Nathaen was acquainted with this side of the family from a young age. All three of the de Laurentis brothers were fostered for a time at Windforge Hall, which allowed Nathaen to form close ties to his cousins.

Parenting:

Nathaen’s parents were active in his life from a very early age until rather recently. Their parenting style varied between his at-times stern father and his doting mother. Aware of his luck in his ‘fairytale-like family’ (as his cousins have put it), Nathaen is close with both and respects them deeply.

Upbringing:

Nathaen was brought up by a father constantly pushing him to aspire to greater things and a mother who doted upon him, giving in to even trivial whims quite easily. Despite their differences in parenting styles, they worked very well with one another in order to make Nathaen a well-adjusted child and a commendable young adult.

Infancy:

Nathaen was born outside of Windforge, at an estate in Boralus belonging to his paternal aunt, near the end of the Second War. His mother had difficulty with a previous, failed pregnancy and his father chose to have her winter with Adeline  while she was carrying Nathaen. Illness kept her in Boralus throughout the spring, and Nathaen was born several weeks late, in the early summer. He and his mother were brought home to Windforge not long afterward, and he remained there until mid-childhood.

His mother nursed him herself, only letting him off to a nursemaid after he’d reached a half-year in age.

Childhood:

Nathaen’s childhood would best be categorized as challenging but happy. He spent a great deal of time in instruction, both academic and martial, but was rewarded with an inordinate amount of freedom for his diligence and progress. He excelled as a student and showed promise as a combatant, though he was also referred to as ‘headstrong and wild’ by those who were present during that period.

Though his parents tried to conceive another child, they failed to do so and it became apparent that Nathaen would be an only child.

Adolescence:

Nathaen was in his early youth when the Scourge of Lordaeron took place, and it left a lasting mark on him. Virtually the entire Mardenhall family outside of his mother and a distant cousin, both housed outside of the northern kingdom, were slaughtered. It was the first time in his life that he truly had to understand loss and suffering, and it prompted him to choose a path that walked between a physician and a healer as a teenager. His mentor was a paladin from Stormwind, a veteran of the Second War that had survived the Battle of the Hillsbrad Foothills. His summers were spent in the company of his cousins from Kul Tiras and his winters were spent nested in the study adjacent to his room in Windforge Keep.

During this time, Nathaen was equal parts eager student and adventurous lad. He continued to excel at his studies, readily adapting to a new curriculum of anatomy and medicine in tandem with the more traditional arts of tactics and generalship. His mother suffered from ill health for several of these years but made a full recovery. Nonetheless, it was a trying time for the boy.

Adulthood:

Nathaen continued his studies throughout his ‘extended youth’; As the Heir-Apparent to Windforge and to the Sutherland lineage, his father refused to allow him to traipse about in such locales as Silithus,  ‘The Outlands’ or Northrend. He was also forbidden from partaking in combat against the Horde, much to his chagrin. After his coming of age, every year brought more and more distress to Azeroth and it lit a flame of restlessness within him.

During the elemental attacks on Stormwind, Nathaen assisted with the protection first of his familial territory, and then rose with his father’s men for Stormwind City to assist there. Finally, after the Shattering, Nathaen was allowed to sail as a lieutenant with contingent of his father’s men while in search of his aunt and her people. While they failed to find Kul Tiras proper, they did manage to find the de Laurentis lands on the Isle of Crestfall intact and relatively whole and his aunt’s family alive and well. Nathaen then served for a period of time as a medic and healer at Tol Barad.

He was not authorized to participate in the wars in Pandaria or Draenor, and was instead pushed to focus on finishing his medical training and expanding his political expertise. While hesitant to allow him to do so, Lord Darran gave Nathaen his blessing to assist with the war in the Broken Isles to whatever capacity he could safely do so in. As a result, Nathaen spent much of his time moving back and forth between Stormwind, forward camps on Argus, Dalaran’s clinic, and Light’s Hope Chapel.

Coming of Age: 

Note: There is precedence in lore that there is a ‘coming of age’ celebration practiced among humans called the Age of Ascension. 

Nathaen’s Age of Ascension was celebrated in two manners. The first, a time-honored tradition, was with a large feast attended by many of his father’s noble compatriots. At this feast Nathaen was formally named heir-apparent and received a signet ring that had belonged to his father (and, in turn, his grandfather).

The second portion of his Age of Ascension was the swearing of his paladin vows, though they differed from the traditional Silver Hand ones. This was a small ceremony lead by Thomas Greenvale, his mentor, and attended by several other paladins that were not otherwise occupied. His father and cousins were also present.

Evolution:

Nathaen is still very much as he was as a child; Headstrong, willful, and restless. He is constantly seeking out bigger and better things, and attempting to perfect his arts along the way. Though he has no shortage of ambition, at the time of writing his political capacities are tainted by both the innocence of youth and the rationality of a soldier. It remains to be seen if he will evolve further into the station of his birth, or into a more martial figure as time goes on.

[angel-gidget]

Fire At My Feet Again (Tim/Cassie, post-Red Robin)

Title:  Fire at my Feet Again Fandom: DCU, Teen Titans, Red Robin (preboot)     Rating:  PG-13 | Words: 4.6K  | a03 link Summary: Tim and Cassie have been assigned to mentor the upcoming new version of Young Justice. Cassie isn’t drunk enough yet to process this turn of events properly. But if she has her say, with Tim’s help, she soon will be.

Set a handful of years after Red Robin. Contains miscellaneous comic references including 90’s YJ. Yet also borrows an element or two from the Young Justice cartoon. Bc I do what I want. Also unbeta’d. Bc impatience.

Note: Also using this fic to fulfill prompts/days 1-3 of Tim Drake Week (First & Lasts, Childhood & Adulthood, Dreams & Reality) bc this sucker took me long enough that I say it counts and I’d like to catch up.

The déjà vu was murder. Cassie wanted to scream at the Justice League that they had the wrong girl, she wasn't a MENTOR, if anything, she was still a MENTEE, but Tim was standing right next to her, giving his Serious Business head-nod, and Cassie realized that if she did, in fact, start screaming at the JLA, she wouldn't be screaming at strangers.

Because screaming at Aquaman and Superman and Batman was one thing, but the NEW Batman was once Nightwing and she didn't really like the idea of screaming at him. She would also be screaming at Vic, who was her friend. And--sweet Hera--she had FRIENDS in the JLA. You're a grown-up now, Cassie. You're a MENTOR now, Cassie.  So is Tim, for that matter. Hell. She didn’t want to admit out loud how familiar it was. How, in the last days before she gave up the Titans, she’d had trouble remembering the names of multiple team members; they had come and gone so quickly. So playing chaperone to a bunch of kids she didn’t know was actually way more familiar of a feeling than it ought to have been. But they weren’t asking her and Tim to be team leaders. They were asking her and Tim to play Red Tornado to their new batch of kids. Not to lead. Just to make sure they didn’t break anything. To help them with reporters.  To save their asses if things got out of hand. To be around if they wanted advice. "You start on Monday." Vick told them. "We start on Monday." Cassie repeated in a daze. When the rest had left, and it was only her and Tim, the feeling that it was real began to press on her lungs. "We start on MONDAY. Oh God." "Cassie? Are you o--Um. I can do it. You don't have to help. I--" "Do you remember what we were like?! You'll need my help. WE may need help. What if they have their own Kon? What if they have their own BART?" "Or Slo-bo." "Oh God." "It'll be okay. They're just as likely to have their own Secret, somebody they'll band around to protect. Or their own Anita, who can radiate reason. Or their own YOU, somebody smart who can represent the team and keep them in line. Ultimately, they'll be themselves and we can just give them the benefit of the doubt. It'll be okay." Maybe it was the truth of his words, or the blatant compliment, but Cassie did feel herself begin to calm down. This wasn’t history repeating itself. It was just a few parallels here and there. And the history wasn't all that bad anyway. When did she get so good at only remembering the rough parts? "I'm good. I swear I am, but I think I need a drink." Tim's smile was weird. Like he was about to be nostalgic, but it was 50/50 whether it was going to be a good idea or not. "I know just the place." She half-expected him to take her to the same zany hole-in-the-wall they went to for his 21st birthday years back, but he surprised her with a Gotham spot she had never seen before. It was kind of on the (conventional) sporty side, and kind of posh. Not really the sort of place she had expect him to go. "This was my dad's favorite place." Cassie shook her head to clear it. She could count on her hand the number of times Tim has talked about his dad with her, and four times out of five, he had been in tears while doing it. "Do you remember Klarion?" Tim asked. "Bum, bum, bum… The witch boy." She wanted to slap herself for completing the obnoxious little tune on autopilot, but decided not to be too hard on herself. It WAS catchy. "Well, when he had us stuck in adult bodies, I got the bright idea that I should go check on my dad in his natural environment." "There is no way that went well." Tim nodded, "He said I reminded him a bit of his son, and he invited me to sit down and have a beer with him." Cassie felt a smirk coming on. "And you had never had a beer in your life." "Correct. I spit it up all over him. And he never learned that the weird guy who chilled with him and wrecked his night was me.”

Cassie chuckled, “So, do you want a beer?”

“Hell, no. Can’t stand the stuff.” It might have been the funky lighting, but as Tim scratched the back of his head, she could swear he was blushing.

“Me neither. Good thing we’re old enough to admit it. Hey bartender!”

Cassie waved at the old man behind the counter. He seemed to be hard of hearing, as he kept cleaning the other end of the bar. She sighed, “Go over the new roster with me.”

“They haven’t got the official—“

“I know you know the biggest candidates for this thing, and I’d like to have a heads up, please and thanks.”

Tim nodded, as he waved his own hand in the old man’s direction to help her out, “Okay. So Lian has already said yes, and if there is a god, she will hopefully end up being team leader…”

Cassie smiled, “Roy Harper’s kid would be good at it. Though Robin will probably fight her for it…”

“Damian will be there under duress. Dick thinks it will be good for him, but the chances are that if he gets out of line…”

“He absolutely won’t listen to you, so I will have to do it. Uhgh.”

Tim gave her a pained laugh, “Thank you in advance?”

Cassie shrugged. She was already beginning to understand why the League was insisting on both of them. There had been some rosters of the Titans that were like that, some deferring only to Robin and some only to Wonder Girl. But by that time, she and Tim had mastered being in-sync to the point that it was a (mostly) doable nightmare.

“Who’s the heaviest hitter we’ll probably have to clean up after?”

Tim steepled his fingers thoughtfully, “That’s a toss-up between Damian’s friend Colin, who is actually an incredibly nice kid, and Jon Kent: our new Superboy-to-be.”

Cassie frowned, “Wait, I thought… what happened to Christopher?”

“You didn’t…?” Tim’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Um, a lot of things happened to Chris. But when he came home from the phantom zone a few months ago, he… well, it wasn’t like when a Robin gets replaced, but he told me it took a lot of adjusting to the fact that an entire time-line crisis had given him a baby brother that was already twelve years old. Last I’ve heard from him, he’s trying to decide on a new code-name and … well, he’s too old for the team.”

She felt her draw drop. “Chris Kent, who was like barely past my hip last I saw him, is TOO OLD for this team? What the hell?!”

“Cassie, the last time you saw him, I was babysitting him because he was ten. And with the phantom zone, well…”

“Well how old is he n—wait. Don’t answer that. Not until I’ve had whiskey, because this  now officially calls for whiskey. BARTENDER. WHISKEY.” The time for being polite and patient had officially passed.

Cassie cradled her head in her hands as she listened to Tim placate the offended bartender, and modify her order. Apparently whiskey wasn’t specific enough. Apparently the brown-eyed little boy she’d last seen wearing little boy shorts and a cartoon character wristwatch was now too freaking old to join Young Justice 2.0.

“So help me, Tim, if you’ve ordered something crazy-expensive, you are buying.”

Tim sighed, and Cassie felt a twinge of guilt. This wasn’t any easier for him. Hell, it might be harder. She knew Damian always made things harder for Tim.

Cassie was both boggled and somewhat grateful that she didn’t have a new Wonder Girl to contend with. Though, now that she thought about it, it did seem almost a shame for one to be missing from the roster… No.

No, she was still too young to be getting mopey over legacies. Not that she hadn’t always dug the idea of an Amazon legacy, but it was supposed to be, like, a general legacy. Not hers. Not yet. And yet…

“I am buying, and you will like it. I promise. It’s only a little expensive, but trust me that you don’t want the default of anything in this place.”

The next thing she knew, she had a strong-smelling double-shot over ice in front of her. It tasted like honey. If honey weren’t made by bees, but instead made by kangaroos kicking her in the face. She decided she liked it.

“Cassie, you’re supposed to sip that.”

She smirked at him, “I’ll sip the next one. Better hope our tab’s on your platinum card.”

He snorted, but didn’t really protest, taking a taste of his own glass.

She observed him.

He closed his eyes and tilted his head as he drank, though not with the speed of someone rushing a shot. It took the shadows off his face for a moment, so she could clearly see the tiredness around his eyes and the faint stubble around his jaw. She faintly recalled that said stubble had come very late in life to him. At the very tail-end of puberty.

She remembered that the first time she had kissed him—mourning Kon’s death in a sea of shattered glass in the Titan’s sublevel—the line from his cheek to his adam’s apple had been completely smooth.

Don’t go there, Cassie.

That was a long time ago, Cassie.

“So… um. So how’s Kon taking the whole codename thing?”

Tim shrugged, blinking his eyes open as he continued to hold the glass near his lips. “You know about as much as I do. He can’t decide what to pick. That is, he agrees that he’s years overdue to shelve “Superboy”, but replacing it is giving him conniptions.” Tim gestured the bartender back to refill her glass.

“That’s about what I know,” Cassie conceded, “But somehow, you always know a little more. So spill.”

As promised, she sipped the next glass. Sipping was like getting kicked by a baby honey-making kangeroo. It was still pretty damn good. She raised her pinky jokingly, which finally got a smile out of Tim that went up to his eyes as he spoke.

“He’s actually been trying to pick Chris’s brain on the matter. While Kon can hardly think of anything, Chris’s knowledge of Kryptonian language and mythology is giving him a ton of ideas and he just can’t choose.”

“Yeah, well. Kon’s gonna have to get used to choosing names in general. And soon.”

Tim’s puzzled expression stopped her cold.

“Oh Hera. He hasn’t told you yet.”

Tim similarly froze, “He… told me there was something he though he’d tell a lot of people in person. Said it wasn’t bad news. But with his new off-world mission, and how, um, busy we both will be… “

Cassie nodded. If Kon wanted to protest, he could blame her.

“M’gann is pregnant.”

It was always fun: managing to surprise Tim with something he’d clearly had absolutely no clue about beforehand. So fun. So rare. He was even choking a bit on his own drink.

“You’re serious. Kon’s going to be… a dad?”

“Totally.”

“Wow. He’s got to be over the moon. Both in a happy and terrified way. I’ll be an honorary uncle. Heh…”

He went serious then, totally quiet. Sometimes Cassie didn’t dig the reminder that she didn’t really have the full specs of the brain of Timothy Drake. But then again, did anyone?

She held back a tiny flinch as Tim set down his drink and put his hand over hers…

“Are you okay?” he practically whispered.

“Yes…?” she mimicked his low voice.

“Because I know you’ve never liked talking about how things ended, but it’s alright to…”

Gears clicked into place.

“Omigod. Tim. I’m fine. Kon and I are both totally over each other. Promise. Seriously, have you been worrying about that for the past five years?”

His face didn’t turn red, but his ears did.

“Hey, you wouldn’t talk about it, okay? And Kon may be my best friend, but… he’s not my only best friend. You and Bart… you can’t think I love you any less. Do you?”

Holy shit. The L-word. From TIM. In a totally platonic sense, of course.

As it should be, Cassie.

She knew Tim had been trained to resist truth serum and torture since his Robin days. Apparently, his own taste in alcohol was considerably more effective if it could get talk of actual feelings out of him.

Focus, Cassie. He asked you a question.

“I know you love me.” She squeaked.

A distinctly fraught look pulled his eyebrows together, and it occurred to Cassie that her assurance didn’t sound very believable.

So she tried again, “I’m serious. I don’t mean that in whatever placating double-meaning Bat-way you guys usually communicate in Gotham. I mean it. I know. You love me. I love you too.”

Those burning ears of his were back, but at least the distressed twist to his forehead had gone away. And that… Cassie knew she’d said enough. Her brain knew, anyway. Her tongue didn’t. “If… if a burning building had you and my mom inside and I only had time to save one, I’d save my mom because she didn’t sign up for the life we did. But I’d be every bit as devastated over losing you as if I had lost her.”

What the hell, Cassie?! Dark escalation much?

She spared a glance at her drink as though it had betrayed her. Was she on glass number two or number three?

Tim just snorted with a smirk, “Me too.”

He took another sip, which seemed to oddly sober his face again, “Though… I’d probably be more devastated if it was you. I… I sometimes wondered if there was something wrong with me considering how fast I recovered from my mom’s death. We weren't  close. I… I wanted us to be. So much. But we weren’t.”

Cassie held her breath. She… she had known that Tim’s mom was out of the picture. That when his dad died, that was it. Officially one of Batman’s orphans. But she’d never…

Apparently, it was Tim’s turn to look at his drink as though it were up to shady behavior.

“I’ve never admitted that out loud to anybody. Not in so many words, anyway.”

They both let the silence breathe a moment, before Cassie tentatively let her curiosity get the best of her.

“What was her name? Wanna tell me about her?”

Tim didn’t look her in the eye, preferring to keep his gaze pinpointed on the single oversized ice cube in his glass, but he nodded.

“Her name was Janet. She um…” A tiny strange grin quirked the side of his mouth and he finally looked up at her through messy black bangs, “Remember that time when your mom invited me and Bart to dinner with you, and she complained for half an hour about the ‘jet-set’ archaeologists who have all the money but half-assed dedication to historical findings? Who are all about the fun and polish?”

“Um, yes?”  Oh gods. Helena Sandsmark’s fifth favorite rant topic. She had hours of material on the unfairness of wealthy socialites’ interaction with the archaeology scene. Cassie always died of embarrassment anytime someone she knew was exposed to even a fraction of it.

“My mom was one of those.”

Cassie slumped in her chair, beginning to feel her own ears turn red.

“Oh gods, I’m sorry—”

And Tim giggled. Giggled. It was… stupid but nice and he kind of sounded like he hadn’t taken in quite enough oxygen at first to do it properly.

“Don’t be, Cass. Your mom didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. I wasn’t mad. It was… nice remembering her. She was spoiled, but in a classy kind of way. At least, that’s what my dad would say about it. But he might have been biased. Considering.”

“Considering.” Cassie let a relieved giggle of her own slip.

The silence that followed wasn’t a bad one. She eventually realized that Tim was faintly tapping on the edge of the bar to the tune of the music softly playing over he speakers, though she didn’t recognize the song.

At some point in their conversation, he had let go of her hand, and she tried not to overthink her awareness of that. She also tried not to overthink the fact that she was mentally listing the different ways she might get him to put it back.

She was startled from carefully not contemplating these things when his finger tips continued tapping, but this time against her own fingers lingering on the bar. She saw an expectant expression on his face, and it took her a moment to realize that the music had changed.

Cassie’s eyes widened. Was that.. Mmmm Bop? It was. The one hit from that stupid band that every member of Young Justice has solemnly sworn to hate into eternity was dancing over the speakers.

Some members, however, had been lying through their teeth when taking said oath.

Cassie had been one of them. Apparently, so had Tim.

Their moment of mutually tapping to forbidden tunes was interrupted as the old bar keep slammed a giant pink drink in front of Cassie’s nose.

“From th’ gentleman.” The man muttered, tottering away.

Cassie frowned. Tim seemed to be on the case, however, as he made a subtle pointing down the bar. She looked over her shoulder and saw the guy. He was tall and broad, with a lear and patch of scruff on his chin that reminded Cassie of Tim’s old Mr. Sarcastic disguise. Just… without the sarcasm. His target of choice hadn’t accepted the drink yet, and he was already elbowing his buddies and preparing to stand.

“He looks like the pushy type to me,” Cassie muttered, “Mr. Detective?”

Tim gave a small sigh, “I’m inclined to agree. How do you want to play this?”

There were a lot of correct choices. Not the least of which was taking the drink and pretending it meant nothing. Making eye contact and firmly pushing the drink away was a fair call too. If Mr. Pushy pushed, well… It would hardly be any skin off her back to return the favor. But a hero was always supposed to avoid escalating the situation or provoking it. Such was the correct choice.

You’re going to be a mentor, Cassie.

Meaning—she replied to the voice in her head— that if she was going to do something wild and on the side of crazy, it had to be tonight. So, she grabbed Tim’s hand and whispered in his ear.

“Pretend to be my boyfriend.”

His eyes went comically wide for a fraction of a second, but the next instant, he was giving her a succinct nod of the head.

She felt his fingertips slide up to her jaw, pinpricks of cold from the condensation of his drink. She barely registered the procession from one moment to the next as his lips were suddenly touching hers.

Barely touching. Very lightly.

But staying. Not a peck.

Rather, a quick brush followed by a very slow second brush.  

Her eyes slipped closed, acknowledging that the feeling was nice, if unexpected.

She held still everywhere save her mouth, mimicking his movement until she could breathe in the honey-tang from his breath instead of her own.

She then set her icy fingernails against his cheek, as was only fair.

He gave a quick inhale that let her know she had startled him back.

“Two for flinching.” She chuckled against his mouth.

In an instant, she wanted desperately to see his expression, but he ducked his head to whisper in her ear again.

“Why go back to competing when we’ve gotten so good at teaming up?”

Tim thought he was so clever sometimes. She wanted to agree and roll her eyes at the same time. She was about to reply when something in the shift of his shoulders told her they had trouble.

“What is it?”

“Pushy Type has strolled out with his friends, but they went around the alley area of the building without grabbing a ride and none of them had car keys.”

Cassie hissed, “They wanna jump us? Are you serious? This neighborhood sucks.”

Tim pulled back far enough that could see his face. There was some uncertainty there that he was doing his utmost to hide, but Cassie was too familiar with it to be fooled by it anymore.

Goddess. He liked it. He liked it as much as I did.

And now he’s wondering if he messed up.

“Tim—“

“I know the corner they’ve picked. No cameras, no witnesses. They’d be… very surprised to not have the advantage. We could change into uniform in the restrooms and sneak out the back of the kitchen. It’ll be fun.”

And… he was off. He even left the barstool he’d been sitting on spinning.

Fine.

Stupid bat-birds and their emotional issues.

She’d let him get away with it for now.

——

Two hours later, they stumbled into Tim’s apartment dripping wet, with an unanticipated number of cuts and bruises.

“Fun, you said. We intimidate them and they’ll re-think their life-choices, you said.” Cassie scoffed.

Tim clutched his bruised rib, “I didn’t know C-listers were developing their own knock-off venom pills these days. It’s a recent development.”

His other arm was over her shoulder, keeping weight off his bruised ankle. If knock-off venom could punch her right into him, she didn’t want to think about what the original Bane could probably do.

But it probably didn’t help that they were both a little tipsy. While Tim might not have guessed that Mr. Pushy—who had wanted to be called The Dejector, of all things, yeesh—would be carrying supervillain steroids, they both would have resolved the fight a lot faster if they had both been sober and had their minds off… well.. The Thing they were avoiding talking about.

After they had the perps bagged and tied for the Gotham PD, Tim had decided to play it safe and not drive his motorcycle back. Cassie had similarly decided against flying.

So they had walked.

And then it rained.

Because Gotham.

Cassie carefully set Tim down on his couch. She then followed his directions to find the first aid kit as he began to check himself for damage.

“Just so we’re clear: I’m not actually mad, Tim. Just grumpy. I had plans for tonight. They didn’t involve this many scrapes.”

“I… Oh.” He froze, “I didn’t know I was keeping you. Sorry.”

“You’re not,” Cassie corrected, setting the kit down by his foot and she cinched up the leg of his jeans. (The nice thing about his crazy expensive wardrobe: there was some extra stretch to the denim.) “You were at the center of the plans.”

“Oh.” He tensed again, and Cassie worried for a moment that she had hurt him just by applying ice. But as she looked up, she realized his ears were red again.

Okay, Wonder Girl. Time to be brave.

“Confession time. So… you already know I love you. We got that out of the way. The big secret is that I also might… kinda like you on top of that.”

Tim snorted, but it was with a tiny hopeful smile on his face that quickly smoothed itself out to boarder-line sly.

“Oh really?”

If he was gonna be that way about it, there was no need to be delicate with the application of the ice. He flinched for real.

“Yeah,” Cassie muttered, meeting his eye, “Funny how that works.”

“Funny how it’s mutual.” He panted.

Cassie blinked. “Does this mean we…?”

“If you want.” Tim whispered.

She kissed him.

Sweat, rainwater, scrapes and all. She had wrapped her arms around his neck, and even when she bumped his foot and his leg tensed, he still clutched back.

It was hard to tell who’s idea it was to lean back into the couch. Definitely her idea to start lifting his shirt off. His hair was just long enough that damp tendrils lingered where his neck met his shoulders and she didn’t resist the temptation to run her hands through it. He rolled into the movement like a cat with his eyes closed, and something like déjà vu struck her for the second time that day.

For all that Tim’s everyday body language exuded a polite distance, actually touching him was so very different. Kind of like a sunflower desperate for a hint of light. As if no one had held him for years. Maybe no one had.

Rain still clung to her own hair as well, water droplets shaking loose from assorted strands of her blond hair. They splashed onto Tim’s chest, making him shiver.

She knew he could resist the cold, if he wanted. He could use a simple stretch of his own self control to curb his reactions, but he chose not to. Chose to let her see it, and the thought lit something warm in her chest.

She leaned in close again, feeling her own shirt slide up, enjoying the contrast of warmth where their stomaches touched and cold where their hair got in the way. Tim was the one doing the kissing then, returning to that slow brush he seemed to have perfected, only against her neck instead of her lips. His arms held tight, tighter. And she gladly returned the favor until—

“OUCH!”

His whole body tensed, but Cassie knew it was the foot.

The Achilles Heel, as mom would say.

“Guess it would be more fun to save the rest for when we’re both in one piece, huh?”

Tim sighed, “‘Rest’ implies a finite amount. Was going more for an indefinite sort of plan.”

Cassie grinned.

“I’ll remember that. Now where are your towels, Young Man Wonder?”

He scowled at her, but he gave up the location of the towels. And the location of his popcorn machine. And blankets. And spare pyjamas. And dvd collection.

I could get very used to this.

She was cuddled in his arms on the couch again, but this time calm and dry with antibiotics gently applied to her minor scratches.

“It’s different this time, you know. I can feel it.” She whispered.

Tim stirred beneath her, though he took a moment to speak.

“You mean… us?”

She nodded against his chest, “Us. The vibe of it. The… the kissing. It’s different. We’re different.”

She didn’t have the energy to lift her head, but she felt him nod all the same.

“Last time, we were in a bad place. Now we’re in a good one.”

She smiled against him and trusted that he could feel it, “Even if you have to face down the Damian squad on Monday?”

“It won’t be Damian’s squad. Not immediately, anyway. But yes. Even then. We can do this. Together.”

Cassie threaded her fingers through Tim’s as her eyes fluttered shut for the night.

She believed him.

F.I.N.