#while also trying to deal with trauma and break a curse

[sadbi-hours]

Title: Circa 1666 ~ a grim history of the Shadyside & Sunnyvale killers~

Pairing: Nick Goode/Ziggy Berman

Word Count: 925

Rating: SFW(ish)

Image Credits: Banner made by me with the help of PicsArt and Google Images

Created For:

@anyfandomgoesbingo: Custom Card- Zicky Ship- I3- "I can't tell you the secret, because I don't know the secret."

@anyfandomkinkbingo: N1- "You don't have to be gentle with me, I don't break easily."

@mfbingo: I4-First...

@fandombingo: I4- "I was never meant to survive that."

"I was never meant to survive that." Ziggy rasped, her voice rough from the nightmares the nurses said she had been having late at night. Of what? Nightwing, her sister, or Tommy Slater, I didn't know.

But I wished I could kiss them away. I cleared my throat. Stop it...stop being a creep.

"But you pulled me back," She sat up in her bed, her wounds woven deep into her skin, peeking her hospital gown--and I had to look away. I thought she never looked more beautiful.

"How?" She asked, pulling me from my thoughts and back onto the moment at hand. How had he saved Ziggy Berman. Sheer force of will? Some mysterious power? Love?

I shrugged. I only gave her CPR.

Ziggy scowled.

Some of the stitches on her face from Harry Rooker pulled with her frown and threatened to split open again. "You don't have to be gentle with me," she hissed with that familiar fire I had gotten used to seeing from her all summer long. "I don't break easily."

"I can't tell you the secret, because I don't know the secret." I glared back at her. "I only gave you CPR."

I only gave her CPR.

Imagine this:

What if Nick hadn't lived his whole childhood being told that he was the heir apparent to a dark secret? Or at least, not in the way this story originally goes.

No, Nick was given a book on his fifteenth birthday, the same year his father would later commit suicide after passing on the Goode legacy...

Nick would learn that year that neither his family nor Sarah Fier are responsible for carrying on a dark secret that has gripped Shadyside... and Sunnyvale... as a whole, for the last few centuries.

Solomon Goode never sold his soul to the devil or famed Sarah Fier, but instead he and Sarah fought side by side to save the union from a much darker force... but ultimately had failed.

Leaving a foul curse behind, that every first born Goode has tried to stop since. To put an end to the selling of poor souls to feed a predator. To finally defeat the thing that grows and feeds on their small town, a horror that spreads. It's not man-made by some witch and warlock, but by something as old as time that's become rooted deep into the fabric of their community... and has always been hungry for both Shadysiders and Sunnyvaler blood, alike.

Because in Shadyside and Sunnyvale, sometimes the kids and the adults; the downtrodden and the rich, they all equally have been known to randomly snap.

There's no avoiding it, you can only push misfortune...or boredom... on someone for so long before that person breaks beyond repair is what has always been said, or at least in the news, that's dubbed them as Murder Capital USA.

In 1666, it was Cyrus Miller and the eyeless children.

In 1904, a simple minded grifter come to town and one day just drowned and gutted women.

1922, Billy Barker murdered his siblings with a baseball bat.

1935, The Humpty Dumpty Killer collected his victim's skin like jigsaw pieces and put them back together again.

1953, Harry Rooker was named Sunnyvale's first serial killer, whose lust for the blood of the young and attractive housewives of Sunnyvale knew no bounds.

1965, Ruby Lane went into a deep depression and seemingly decided to kill all her friends at a slumber party before taking her own life.

And then in 1978, the newest town killer hit Nick Goode's life a little too close to home. He knew Thomas Slater, worked with him during the summers at Camp Nightwing, hung out with him, Cindy, and Alice by the lake and smoked weed and drank beers after all of the campers had gone to sleep.

Nick knew Thomas Slater. He would never just snap... not like he did. Murdering some many camp counselors and children. That wasn't the Tommy that Nick knew him to be.

But no one else is to blame for the murders Nick witnessed at Camp Nightwing, or who had induced the terror that will stay with him forever-- but what haunts him, isn't only the butchered children but the lifeless bodies of the Berman sisters.

Both the one he couldn't save, and the one he did...

He didn't know Ziggy Berman, at least not like he always wanted to. He'd only ever saw her from afar. Always a ball of anger and fire, a red beacon in his dull and meaningless world. He's always had a crush on her...

But he thought he'd truly never get to know Ziggy Berman. Not like he's gotten to over the last sixteen years of their friendship.

He guessed when trying to recount the entire history of the Shadyside and Sunnyvale and its killers and stop a curse at the same time, you end up getting to know someone real well.

And it's not like he minds...

Besides, it's not just him and Ziggy forever, trying to figure out what grips their small slice of the world...

After the latest masked killer terrorizes their local mall, a group of teens that are affected by the tragedy come to them with their own evidence to figure out the purpose of the curse and how to stop it once and for all...

And really, with two emotionally constipated adults and a group of feisty teens, what could possibly go wrong?

They may even finally crack the origins of the curse wide open and end it.

[qirongshusband]

Sorta sequel and "What if" scenario to the "Being Yuji's new civilian BFF", with Male!R surviving (can be injured or not) and trying his best to get Yuji to tell him what's going on while also dealing with the trauma of that night and everything that's happening.

݁˖꩜ Yuuji HC’s . ݁⊹

notes ~ this is ruining me oh my god. 😭😭 /joke

MENTIONS — slight angst, injuries, throwing up/feeling sick, crying/panic episodes, trauma, attempts of suicide,

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

— after the incident in shibuya..you were still alive. But no longer human..you were back as a curse. Of course you still looked like you, sounded like you, and acted like you.

— after still being ‘alive’ after what happened of course you weren’t going to be the same, you were still disturbed remembering every thing that happened. It was hard to sleep at night..what’s worse was Yuuji’s reaction when he saw ‘you’.

— his blank expression turned into shock, he was scared but happy..happy his best friend was back but he was some what..unsettled.

— of course you would try to tell Yuuji you don’t know what happened, you don’t know why you’re still alive.

— when yuuji looks at you he feels like throwing up, he cant look at you normally anymore, as the injuries you suffered from Sukunas attack..you had scars all over your body, you were missing an eye, missing an arm, burn marks on some parts of your body, and just..a mess. Of course all those scars were ‘healed’ but yuuji can’t stand the fact his body did that to you. He feels sick to his stomach.

— you’d try to reassure to Yuuji you were still you, nothing has changed. You wanted him to see you the same way as he did before but..he was terrified. Of course he’d fight back on the guilt and try to reassure himself but at times he couldn’t help but break down and sob. It hurts him to know he couldn’t control what he promised he’d control..that damned curse. Sukuna Ryomen.

— even when you’re alone, you’d look at yourself, your reflection..you couldn’t stand to look at yourself, everytime you did it could set you off into a panic attack. The memory of what happened that night sets you off, it causes you pain. Pain you don’t what to remember. He haunts you. His words haunt you. His actions haunt you. Sukuna Ryomen is stuck in your head, your thoughts, your memories.

— you’d sometimes hear him laugh in your head. you’d try and maintain your friendship with Yuuji but nothing remained the same, nor after what happened, he was still shaken up and you felt way worse than he did.

— the feelings of one of your only best friends slowly fading from you hurt, knowing you were a curse hurt, knowing things you didn’t know before hurt. It stayed with you. It stuck to you. It affected your mental horribly.

— as your mental health declines you don’t know if you want to stay like this anymore, not after your appearance, the thoughts that play back like a record, how you can’t look at Yuuji properly with out remembering him.

— you’d try to kill yourself, in many ways but couldn’t..you were a curse. And every time you tried something nothing worked, it phased through like nothing, everything you tried never worked out. But you felt the pain..it was so painful but you always tried more and more each time hoping something would rid you from everything. The trauma. The memories. Everything.

— you isolated yourself from everyone, especially Yuuji, days, weeks, even months can go by..and you were just by yourself. No one to talk or hang out with. Just you.

— of course Yuuji misses you, as much as he was bothered by what happened in Shibuya he couldn’t let that affect the both of y’all’s friendship.

— he found you, the both of you talked for some time, told him everything on how you felt and he expressed himself as well, he apologized and he was sorry..you also apologized to him. For just leaving.

— the both of you tried to make up and ended up working on each other! It helped your mental state quite a bit.

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

[maple-the-awesome]

Body Swap || Part 2/2

Part 1 ||

Pairings: Legend, Time, Twilight, Warrior x Reader

Overview: A wizard's spell leaves you both in a state of confusion, especially upon realizing you're no longer in your assigned bodies. No Wind for this one, so we'll just give him a cookie and spare him the trauma for today -.-/🍪 The other boys are at my mercy, though

Zelda Masterlist 💙Fandom Masterlist

Panic ensues nearly the second your situation becomes realized. Legend frantically tugs at his hair and clothing, hoping this to be some sort of illusion cast by that wizard, however his senses only confirm his fears: you've switched bodies.

You're him and he's you which probably shouldn't be as big of a deal as he makes it out to be considering how much worse this could've gone, after all, a greater enemy might've caused actual harm, yet that doesn't stop him from being upset.

Out of everyone this could've happened with - out of all nine of his traveling companions - why did this have to happen with you, the only girl in the group?! Nevermind that you're also his crush!

"I can't believe this..." He groans, picking at another strand of hair and holding it in front of his face. Alas, the color isn't the same as his usual faded pink, "Give me back my body!"

You whip your head around at Legend's demand, finding yourself mildly offended by it which is shown through the placement of your hands on your hips, "Don't you think I would if I could? Like it or not, I think we're stuck like this –"

"- Are you kidding me -?!"

"- Until the spell either wears off or we find a way to reserve it," You narrow your eyes when he interrupts. Standing, you dust yourself while he copies the action except with some added complaints and curses mumbled under his breath.

"I can't believe this. Of course, this is how my day would end. I can't ever catch a break, can I?! The others are never going to let this go. It's all we're going to hear about for the next week!"

"Geeze, I didn't know a day in my body would be so terrible for you."

Legend frowns, not intending to make you feel bad. It's not like you asked for any of this yourself. You’re equally as inconvenienced. It's just...reeeally weird and uncomfortable knowing that he's technically you right now. He's currently in the body of the girl he finds most attractive and sometimes daydreams about –

"I'm sure you're not having any more fun than I am. Let's just get out of here and find a solution as fast as possible, okay?" Legend hastily grabs your hand, intending on getting you both out of this dungeon before you can notice the redness to his cheeks (at least, he's sure he'd be blushing if in his own body right now. Is it even visible on your cheeks, though?), however almost as soon as he pulls, he's nearly thrown back against your unmoving weight.

Kill him now. He isn't used to not having his power bracelets.

"Did you...want me to follow you?"

"...Obviously..."

"Do you also want me to hold your hand so you don't get lost?" You give his hand a squeeze, all the while wearing a shit-eating grin that makes his face even warmer than before.

"...Forget it and fuck off," With that, he drops your hand and marches off, yet you aren't far behind, chasing after him while clearly having too much fun with his reaction.

"You know, this is usually the point when you ask me if I'm on my time of month! Is that your problem, Vet? You're already hormonal after just a few minutes in a girl's body?"

Has his laugh always been this obnoxious? Does he owe Warrior an apology?

"...Well, this is troublesome."

Your eye twitches after Time's calm 'evaluation' of the situation, "...'Troublesome'? You THINK?! You know, when I woke up this morning, I did not expect to end up becoming a sixty-year-old man -!"

"- Sixty? Is that how old you think I am?"

"Well, you act like it sometimes!" You defend, huffing at the end of your sentence before trying to rise onto your feet which still feel wobbly due to that wizard's spell. It takes you a second - and you almost tumble forward like a newborn giraffe, causing you to start swinging your arms around in a desperate attempt to regain balance - but eventually you do succeed in the basic human function called 'standing', "We need to find the Veteran. This is his stupid world, so I'm blaming him for this happening!"

Time, meanwhile, takes pity upon you by letting your previous comment slide. Unlike you, he easily gets to his feet as if ending up in someone else's body is an everyday occurrence for him. His new height is something you take immediate notice of, mentally noting how strange it is to be looking down at someone – let alone him – from so far up. Is this how it always feels for him? No wonder he took on the mantel of being the 'dad' of the group so quickly. You all probably look like literal children to him!

"Thank Hylia we camped close to the dungeon. The others should be getting ready for dinner at this point, so they'll all be in attendance to take joy in our misery," You smile sarcastically with a wave of your hand, however you only take a few steps forward before turning around and realizing that Time isn't following you. His face also looks rather...alarmed?

"...You okay there?"

He hums and gives you an awkward thumbs up, yet that doesn't change his expression any nor does he immediately move to follow you. He simply stands there, his face bright with embarrassment until he finally clears his throat, "I...think I might've had an accident?"

"An 'accident'...?" You scrunch your nose, needing a moment to understand what he could possibly mean. Did he just piss himself as you? You would've thought he'd have more self-control even if he isn’t technically himself. Sure, it might be scary opening your eyes to find yourself in someone else's body, but it's not that scary to warrant - ...Oooh...You get what he means now...

When the realization sinks in, you can feel your own face grow warm. You had forgotten all about that, "Oh shit. I, um...Yeah that's not – It's harmless, really. You'll be fine, it's just -...You know what, just don't worry about, okay? Let's focus on getting ourselves switched back around first. You, uh...gonna be okay dealing with it for now?"

Sympathy laces your voice, however it isn’t exactly strong enough to hide your embarrassment. Seriously, could this get anymore modifying? You weren't trying to think about the whole 'my-crush-is-currently-in-my-body' thing, but you definitely can't ignore it now! Out of all the days of the month this could happen - How embarrassing for you both!

Fortunately, Time, ever the brave gentlemen, nods, that be it slowly and unsurely, "If you can do it your whole life, I can manage for a day..."

"That's the spirit!" Please, please, please say Legend knows a solution for this because you will absolutely die if you have to talk Time through a 'change' of certain materials tonight.

“Oh no…”

“What do you mean by ‘oh no’? What happened? Are you hurt?” Twilight’s voice – which doesn’t really sound like his own – gets progressively more concerned by each question until he finally manages to escape the wall of smoke around him. Once finally receiving a clear view of his hands, he suddenly understands the meaning behind your less-than-thrilled expression.

“That’s what I mean by ‘oh no’,” You frown, watching as he flips his hands around front and back to confirm the notable difference he sees. It would be difficult to ignore how much smaller and smoother they’ve gotten…or to turn a blind eye to all the other major variations throughout the entirely of his body.

“Has anything like this happened to you before?” Whatever surprise you have towards your shared predicament is either quickly recovered from or masked well, because you don’t hesitate to pick yourself up and start collecting your fallen belongings – or rather Twilight’s – from the ground.

“Can’t say it has. I’m guessin’ you’re in the same boat?”

“Yeah, this is the first time I can knock ‘switching bodies’ off the bingo board,” You shake your head, pausing to watch him stand as well, “I know Wind mentioned being able to control other people’s bodies or something like that before. ‘not sure if it’s the same or if he’d know how to fix this.”

“Even if not, we’re in Legend’s world. He’d have to know some kind of solution,” Twilight sighs, going to place a hand on his hip out of habit, but he instantly decides against it in a quick movement he hopes wasn't too obviously. Even if he's consciously in this body, it's still yours. Touching his hip now would be no different from touching your hip any other time which is NOT a friendly place for hands to be! At least that's what his awkward brain tells him.

Trying not to dwell too much on any of that, he makes himself useful by plucking your dropped sword off the ground and returning it to your scabbard the same way you had done with his before reaching down to grab -

“- Don’t touch that!” You’re startled to a halt by Twilight’s sudden shout and turn to give him a puzzled look as he gulps while eyeing the shadow shard you were inches away from picking up next, “It, uh…It’s sharp.”

You narrow your eyes suspiciously at him, and for a second he’s worried he might just have to tackle you to prevent you from touching the object in question (which now that he’s considering it, would probably only be as effective as a sparrow attacking a horse seeing as you’ve switched bodies not to mention you’d only have more reason to question him in that case but -)

“- All you Links are such terrible liars,” You huff after a minute. Nevertheless, you step aside and allow Twilight to pick up the necklace himself. He’s careful to only touch the string and tuck it securely in a pocket because the very last thing he needs added to this day is you finding out one of his greatest secrets by literally becoming it yourself which would then undoubtably lead to his second greatest secret being discovered, after all, it's one thing for a random wolf to let you give him kisses free of charge, but there'll be a lot more to unravel there if you find out it's been your travel companion the whole time.

"Okay. Try not to panic. There has to be some way to reverse this - ARE YOU CHECKING ME OUT RIGHT NOW?!"

Warrior jumps with a start after having been caught, although he must not be too embarrassed because he doesn’t immediately remove his hands from their place on his hips nor does he show much shame in currently having his body turned at an angle to look at his – or more importantly – your back side, “What?! You do it to yourself all the time!”

"T-That’s not - When I'm in my own body!” You stammer, blushing at the realization that you apparently haven’t been as subtle with your habit of checking your own appearance here and there, “Excuse me if I don’t want to walk around looking like a mess with dirt and leaves stuck to my backside! I’m not over here looking at your dick!”

"I hardly think you can equate that to an ass," He deadpans.

"Well, I'm not looking at your ass, either, pervert!"

At last, something you say seems to get to him, your words causing Warrior to bow his head with a pout and that shared discomfort he should’ve had from the beginning, “I’m not a pervert. If it’s such a big deal, then you can come over here and fix the backside of this tunic. It’s riding up on me and it’s driving me crazy.”

You blink then glance around him to notice that your tunic is indeed all out of sorts, one end lifted and tucked in your belt. It must’ve gotten stuck that way during your fight with that wizard…Now you just feel like an idiot…

“…Oh.”

“Oh,” Warrior mocks with a roll of his eyes, not saying much else – perhaps out of pity - as he waits for you to help fix the tunic correctly, although truthfully he’s just busy redirecting his eyes and cursing himself internally for not having explained the situation from the start. He maybe-kinda spaced the fact that he’s currently in your body and didn’t consider the implications of what it would look like for you to see him fussing over your back end. How were you to know he was simply fixing your tunic? He really did probably look like a massive pervert.

“There,” You finally step away.

“Thanks,” He coughs into his fist awkwardly with his opposite hand rubbing the back of his neck. Even in a different body, he carries the same nervous habits, “Uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to –“

“- No. No, you’re fine. I, uh, should’ve had more trust in you," You mumble, running a hand over your hot face before shaking your head. You need to get it together, "Come on. Let's just get out of here and find a way to fix this before any other misunderstandings can happen."

Warrior nod and follows after you out of the dungeon without another word to be said. He won't say it aloud - He refuses to even admit it to himself because he's supposed to be a gentleman and what if you've suddenly become a mind reader?...But if you were to for some reason ask his opinion, you do in fact have a fine ass.

[dovveri]

could you love me while i hate myself?

synopsis: y/n, nayeon, momo, and sana are in a polyamorous relationship. momo walks in on y/n self-harming for the first time in 7 months. they all try and talk and work through this together.

warnings: we got depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm (cutting), blood, sexual references, cursing - also this is poly!namosa if ur not into that but i love getting comfort from everyone i love so

w/c: 6.9k

a/n: sooo i wrote this in a day bcs im utilising my #depression as inspiration and lwk we love writing as a coping mechanism - i’m so fine tho i just need my meds to start working again LMAO and they will vvvv soon trust - but in the meantime i can pump out the sad stuff hehe! lwk forgot abt boo and dobby until like halfway thru writing this IM SO SORRY #fakefan and i wasn't bothered to write them back in so they js don't exist here oops!

⸸

fuck. fuck fuck fuck. the thoughts were coming. you wake up hazily, dream forgotten, arms wrapped around nayeon, legs entangled with the three people you loved most in the world. you don't deserve them. shut up!

you shut your eyes, trying to will away the thoughts. they were always there, always in the back of your head, always nagging, telling you that you didn't deserve to live, that you were a worthless piece of flesh born only to cause others suffering, or born with no purpose at all. there's no point to it all. just die. they'd be better off without you. they'd be happier without you.

you feel tears prick the corners of your eyes. it was so loud. you needed them to be quiet. to return to the depths of your mind. you curl in closer to nayeon, trying to breathe in the scent of her to distract you, feeling sana's breath on your hand, listening to momo's soft snores, they were the only thing grounding you. they pity you. that's why they've stuck around for so long. they know if they left you you'd break. they don't love you. it's pity. they'd be happier together. just the three of them. they didn't need you. you needed them. you were a burden to them. you need to leave so they can be happy. you want the best for them don't you? SHUT UP.

you couldn't take it anymore, you slowly unwrap yourself from your girlfriends. slipping your arms from around nayeon's waist and pulling your legs away from the mess of limbs. you look back at them, sleeping peacefully, watch their chests rise up and down with each breath, it's bittersweet. you had so much love for them. you turn around again and slip out the door, closing it softly behind you.

you pad softly towards the bathroom, entering it quietly and sighing, looking at yourself in the mirror. dark circles under red eyes, messy hair, disgusting. look at you. how could anyone love you? the thoughts were louder in the bathroom. almost echoing off crisp white walls. your grip on the sink tightens, you tear your gaze away from the mirror, letting your tears fall into the sink silently. why did i have be born like this? born like this? honey you're not different. everyone else is able to cope fine with trauma, with all the shit that happens in the world. you're just weak. weak, crying little bitch who can't deal with a couple sad emotions. don't think you're special. you're not. why can't i feel normal? you're not normal. you never will be. you'll always be that weird kid on the playground that no one wants to play with. grow up and get used to it already. why won't you leave me alone? i can't leave you alone. i am you. you are me. we're stuck together.

your head's splitting, you don't even realise you're crouched in on yourself now. hands gripping your head, nails digging into your scalp, anything to try and stop thinking. you wish you could just go back to sleep. sleep was easy. you didn't have to think when you were asleep.

that's right. sleep. sleep forever. run away from your problems. that's all you'll ever be good at right? running away. you ran away from your parents when they found out you were dating not one, not two, but three girls! whore! you left your brother and sister with them. they probably got the brunt of their anger. or maybe not. maybe they hate you too for being a fucking disappointment. it doesn't matter. they don't care about you. you left them. now leave your girlfriends. it'll be easier. leave. leave. run. do it.

your lip is trapped between your teeth. you're biting down so hard it draws blood. you're rocking yourself on the floor of the bathroom. pathetic. all you do is cry. grow up already. you can't take it. it was too much. you needed- needed-

you're reaching for the loose tile you know is second from the towel rack, opening it and finding your stash of emergency goods. you had meant to throw it away you just kept avoiding it and now... well you needed it now.

you take out a scalpel, go into the old routine of cleaning it down with an alcohol wipe, the motions that are familiar to you helping you drown out the thoughts already. they're still there though. they were always there. you'd be lonely without us wouldn't you? you actually enjoy being mentally ill don't you? take some sort of sick pleasure in it? is it comforting? it's easy to fall back into old habits isn't it?

once it's clean, you can see clearly again. you remove your pants, spreading your legs and look down at the scars that decorate the insides of your thighs. you take a breath, clearing your head as best you can, and bring the tip of the scalpel to start a new line.

the immediate relief when the blade enters your skin and you watch the scarlet liquid pour out of you is incredible. you're like an addict, drinking in the pain and using it to clear your mind. suddenly, the only sound you hear is the quiet of the bathroom and your own shallow breathing. you've never felt more at peace.

but it's only temporary. like everything is only temporary. seriously? this again? is this the best you can do to try and get rid of me? we talked about this you idiot. you're never getting rid of me. because we're the same. you just made yourself even uglier. congrats. good luck getting your girlfriends to ever touch you again after they see those.

fucking hell. you can't help it when your hands move to the start again, just under the new line you've created. you're about to push in again when you hear a gasp.

you look up in alarm, bloody scalpel in your hand, fresh cut on your thigh.

"m-momo."

"y/n- what-"

"it's not what it looks like i swear- fuck- oh my god- mo- please-" you're scrambling, trying to pull up your pants and cover yourself, dropping the scalpel onto the floor with a clang.

she's on you in seconds.

"no no sweetie it's okay i'm not- it's okay it's okay-" she's pulling you into a hug, and you start sobbing.

you're burrowing your head into her neck, sniffling and crying, she wasn't meant to find out. they were never meant to find out. now you've done it. good luck keeping them now. no way they're going to stay with you after this. better breathe her in while you can because she won't be yours in the morning.

you're squeezing her tight, crying and blabbering into her and she lets you. hushing and brushing through your hair, pressing light kisses along your forehead.

when she starts to pull away you panic, shaking your head against her, terrified she's leaving you and this is it.

"no sweetie i'm not going anywhere. i promise. we just gotta clean you up okay?"

she pulls away from you gently, opening the cabinets next to the sink to grab the first aid kit and comes down to sit next to you.

your sobs have ceded but you can't bear to look at her, staring down at the ugly scars on your legs.

"can i?" momo makes a gesture towards your legs and you shrug, moving closer to her so she can work.

she's quiet when she cleans the wound, focused.

you idiot you stupid fucking idiot. she hates you she thinks you're so gross and-

"do the others know?"

you don't trust your voice to speak so you shake your head.

"is this why you never let us touch you?"

you blush bright red, gripping the bottom of your shirt.

"you know we wouldn't have judged right?"

the tears are coming back, you feel them building up in your neck again, clogging it up, choking you.

"i'm sorry if we made you feel like we would have." momo's voice breaks then, and you look up. momo wasn't one to cry. sana tended to be the more emotional one, nayeon and momo cried too, just less often and definitely more private, momo just took a little longer to come to conclusions sometimes.

"y-you didn't." your voice is croaky when you speak up.

she sniffles a little, finishing cleaning and grabbing the bandages.

"a-are you mad?"

she sighs. "not mad. just... confused."

"i-i- i'm sorry. i'm sorry i didn't tell you guys i didn't- i thought you would think- i thought you might leave or think i'm too much or i don't know i-"

she finishes wrapping the bandage around your thighs, looking up at you then, her eyes shiny. "i could never leave you y/n. i love you. all of you. you, nayeon, and sana are my family."

you're crying again now, hands coming up to wipe at your tears. she gently helps you put your pants back on then pulls you into another hug, breathing shakily as she lets herself cry as well.

you cling onto her shirt, the confirmation that she was still here and she still loved you grounded you.

you both sit on the bathroom floor there, tightly wound around each other. you memorise the way her breathing comes in and out, focusing on the little hiccups, every single movement. it was quiet.

she pulls away from you, hands coming up to cup your cheeks, thumbs swiping along them. "do you want to talk about it?"

you shake your head.

"do you want to come back to bed then?"

you think a little, "i might sleep in the guest room tonight. i don't really... it's not that i don't want to sleep with you guys, i just-"

"is it okay if i join you in the guest room then?"

you look surprised, "why?"

"it's okay if you don't want me to. i just want to be with you if that's okay. to make sure you're safe for one, but also just because..." she sniffs, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear gently, "i love you and i want to make sure you sleep well."

the tears well up again. "of course. it's not you i just- i don't want sana and nayeon to find out like this."

momo nods, pressing a gentle kiss onto your nose, "i understand. do you want anything before bed? water? a snack?"

you smile tiredly against her, still in a sort of disbelief she was still here. "i'm okay. let's go to bed."

momo nods again, standing up and pulling you with her, but she stops again suddenly, looking down, "does it hurt?"

you wince, "not really. i mean the point is kinda for it to hurt." your eyes widen when momo frowns, "but it doesn't! not anymore i mean. i kinda got used to it." her frown deepens, "i mean no not like that! like- well yes- but-"

"it's okay y/n. i want to know these things. if you're okay with sharing them." she's sincere when she looks at you, and then she's pulling you along towards the guest room. your heart drops a little when you pass by the master bedroom, thinking of nayeon and sana sleeping peacefully inside, wrapped around each other blissfully unaware, but momo squeezes your hand and you look back towards her, following her into the guest room.

she turns on the lamp light and starts removing all the extra pillows and everything that were only really there for decoration. once she's done, she starts ushering you into bed and you laugh a little at her earnestness, "you don't have to treat me any different momo. i'm still the same person."

she frowns, climbing into bed after you, "i just found out about a massive part of your life that you've been hiding from us. you're not the same person to me. not when i've only known half of you."

you still at that, unable to look her in the eye as she fumbles around with the blanket, covering both of you and then sliding an arm over your side.

"i'm sorry." you whisper once she's turned off the light and snuggled in close to you.

she takes a breath, "you don’t have to be sorry. i'm here now. i'm sorry it took me so long. but i'm here now. and i'm not leaving."

"even if i'm not the same person to you anymore?"

she finds your eyes in the darkness, "y/n i didn't mean it like that. i fell in love with half of you. i just found out there's another half that i can also love now. you're the same person, you just have more to you than we knew. and i want to know more about that so i can be a better girlfriend for you."

"you already are a great girlfriend."

she sighs, a hand trailing down your back, drawing random shapes, you curl in closer to her.

"i wanted to throw it all away. i wanted to tell you all. i just-"

she hums, letting you think out your words, continuing to trace patterns into your back, eyes locked on yours.

"it was hard. and i didn't think i'd need to say anything because i was doing good. i hadn't done it in so long. i don't know why today i just- i lost control again."

"y'know nayeon would say just because you haven't done it in so long doesn't mean you were better. it just means you stopped thinking about it but that didn't get rid of the problem. which is why eventually the problem came back."

you smile at her, poking her cheek, "you've been hanging out too much with nayeon."

momo whines, "we're girlfriends! of course i hang out with her!"

"you're right though. i'm sorry. i stopped cutting when we all started dating. i think i got swept up in all the excitement and the love but once the novelty wore off and i grew more comfortable with being in a relationship with all of you, some of the bad thoughts started to come back."

"what sort of bad thoughts?"

"...like that i'm not good enough for you- or that the three of you would be happier without me, or that i don't want to... that i didn’t deserve to live or that it’d be better if i wasn’t- y’know… alive-"

you can see the shine in momo's eyes and feel your own start to well up again while you talk. she lets you speak though, just lays there, stroking your back softly while listening to you.

when you're finished its quiet save for the occasional sniffle from either of you.

"do you still think that? that you're not good enough for us?"

you hum contemplating whether to be honest or to try not to hurt her, you decide you’ve hurt her enough and it was time to be honest, she was still here after all, she wasn’t going to leave you, "...yeah."

she's pressing her lips gently against yours, barely there, almost as if she's asking permission, and you press against her softly back to say yes. you can taste the salt of her tears in the kiss, its short, reassuring. you break away with a tender smile.

"i can't speak for the others. but i don't think we could work if we weren't the four of us. you know that sana and i tried to date when we were younger right? and it didn't work out? because we always felt like there was something missing. but once we all got together, it feels right to love each other like this. i think it'd be the same if you left. i think it'd feel like something was missing and i wouldn't be able to stay either. i'm not saying that to pressure you into staying like a 'if you leave i leave' kinda thing. i'm just saying that you are needed in this relationship and i don't think we would be happier without you, i don't even think we'd work without you, without any one of us."

god you didn't deserve her. you loved her so much.

"and the other stuff... we don't have to talk about that now but... if you're open to it in the future, i want to help you find some outside help if that's okay? you don't have to answer me now, just think about it, because i want to help, but i don't think we can do this alone."

you nod, lips quivering while she smiles at you, noses touching.

"thank you momo."

"of course sweetie. i love you."

"i love you too. so much."

she pecks you again, then places your hand over her chest, and you can feel the calm thumps of her heart.

she closes her eyes, lips only centimetres apart, you follow her lead, focusing on the feeling of her heartbeat rather than the thoughts, letting that fill your head, and slowly, you drift back into sleep.

⸸

you wake up with a dull sting on the inside of your thighs. you curse internally when you realise that it was because you had self-harmed for the first time in months. but then you feel a familiar hand tracing lines down your back, and the smell of soft peaches and you recall that momo had found you cutting yourself. but the way she's tracing your back means she's still here and she hasn't left and that you're still okay.

momo realises you're awake, moving her hand to your hair and brushing the pieces that have fallen over your face. "hi sweetie."

"mm morning. what time is it?"

she giggles a little, "its 5pm actually. i didn't want to wake you. nayeon and sana should be back home soon."

you startle, "what?! 5pm?! where did they go? did they-"

"shh shh no it's okay. i woke up early and made everyone breakfast. when they came in they asked where you were. i told them you slept in the guest bedroom because you weren't feeling well. they wanted to see you but i told them to let you rest. i don't think you should hide this from them for much longer though y/n."

you sigh, relaxing back into her embrace, "i know. i'll tell them when they get back." you can feel the anxiety beginning to chip away at you as soon as the words leave your mouth. you'd thought about it before in the past, about how they'd react. on the worst end of the spectrum, they'd leave you, thankfully momo hasn't done that yet. and realistically you don't think nayeon and sana will either. but there was always that fear in the back of your head. it was more likely that sana would feel hurt and start crying and nayeon would get angry that you didn't trust them with the information. both of which you didn't really want to deal with because you didn't want to cause any of them any negative emotions. but if you didn't tell them, it would mean forcing momo to keep a secret for you and have her constantly go around on tip-toes while worrying over you. it wouldn't be fair and you’d essentially be self-sabotaging your own relationship.

momo breaks you out of your thoughts when she uses her hand to rap lightly against your forehead, "what's going on in there sweetie?"

you shake her off giggling and she smiles, "nothing i'm just thinking about how to tell them is all."

"do you want me to be there?"

you look up at her, her eyes are sincere and caring, you could stare into them for the rest of your life, "yes please, if that's okay with you."

momo squeezes you against her even tighter, planting a kiss on your forehead and murmuring against it, "of course it's okay with me. i'd love to be there."

you smile against her, reminded of your eternal gratefulness and love you have for her, before your stomach starts to growl and you pull away embarrassed while momo starts to laugh that adorable, contagious laugh of hers.

you whine, climbing out of bed as she toddles along behind you, still laughing when you enter the bathroom.

you pick up your toothbrush and start to brush your teeth when you notice that the bathroom's been cleaned up since last night. there's no more blood on the floor and you look briefly over at momo who's standing on that tile looking at you carefully, the hint of a laugh still on her face.

"youscdonthaftawatchmeyknow."

she giggles when some toothpaste dribbles out of your mouth, tilting her head indicating she didn't catch what you said.

you spit out the toothpaste and repeat yourself, "you don't have to watch me y'know."

"i know."

you squeeze some of your facial wash into your hand, staring at her in the mirror when she doesn't move, still looking at your reflection with a gentle smile.

you shrug, closing your eyes and beginning to wash your face. you go through all the motions of your morning routine, and when you finish up and turn around to wipe your hands on the hand towel, she's still standing there watching you.

you clear your throat, leaving the bathroom and moving towards the kitchen. you hear her footsteps padding along behind you.

she overtakes you once you reach the kitchen, going towards the fridge and pulling out a few things. you sit at the kitchen benchtop and watch her reheat a few dishes that she must have made for breakfast and lunch.

"where did nayeon and sana go?"

"to the shops. we were meant to go check out that new bakery together in the city but i figured may as well let you rest, we can go another day."

"oh crap i'm so sorry i forgot! i would've woken up i'm so sorry-"

"it's okay sweetie don't worry. they were both fine to reschedule, they were more concerned about you than missing out on the bakery."

"why didn't you go out shopping with them?"

"i wanted to stay home with you."

"i was asleep."

momo hums, taking the food out of the microwave, "i didn't mind. here." she sets a bowl of sundubu jjigae in front of you and then goes to scoop out a bowl of rice from the rice cooker as well. you spent a lot of the last 24 hours crying but you can't help the tears that well up in you again at the smell. this was one of the first dishes momo made for the four of you when you moved in together.

"do you want me to feed you?" momo's joking as she slides the bowl of rice over, but when you look up at her and she realises you're crying she quickly panics, "i mean i can! if you want!" she's frantically rummaging for a spoon and scooping out some rice and stew and holding it out to you.

you laugh, wiping at your eyes with your sleeve, adoring the way she tilts her head like a confused puppy in bewilderment, a small pout appearing on her lips.

you lean up and take the spoonful into your mouth, chewing and swallowing before leaning across to peck her on the lips. "i just love you is all you idiot."

momo blushes and you take the chance to grab the spoon from her and start eating the meal yourself.

she pouts and is about to whine when you both hear the door open, the telltale sign of keys jangling and the happy chattering of your other two favourite people in the world.

"momo! we got that ice cream y/n likes but i still don't think it's a good idea for her to eat it if she's sick!" nayeon's yelling from the door, probably taking off her shoes and you can hear a short squeal and something crash followed by laughter and you know sana has probably knocked something down or fallen over.

you raise your eyebrows at momo who shrugs and grins sheepishly, grabbing nayeon and sana's mugs and filling them with water.

when they come into the kitchen all loud and giggles its a sight for sore eyes. nayeon's kissing momo hello and setting the bags of shopping they have down. sana rounds the corner with more bags and that infectious smile. you loved all of them so much.

nayeon spots you first, frowning and walking over to you immediately, placing the back of her hand on your forehead. "hey baby, sorry to hear you weren't feeling well last night. are you feeling better now?"

you blush, nodding your head, your mouth still full of food.

sana's next to bound over to you once she's kissed momo in greeting as well, wrapping her arms around your shoulders and kissing the top of your head, "we missed you today. i got you this top i think would be really cute on you though! and momoring we also got you one of those draw-on shirts but we thought we could turn it into a date or something so we have four!" she's rummaging through her bags, producing items of clothing and talking about each one with her endless energy.

you swallow your food and look up at nayeon who has a fond smile on her face while watching sana, when she notices you looking at her she smiles and leans down to brush her lips against yours.

"wait... you're not sick with anything contagious are you...?"

"what if i was?"

she's squealing, running behind the counter before momo laughs and hands her the mug of water she filled and urging her to drink it. she also passes sana her mug who kisses her again in thanks.

you hum in content, happy to be around the people you loved most. its almost as if... they'll leave you. you don't deserve them. this is all temporary. don't get comfortable. you clench your spoon a little tighter, trying to will away the thoughts as you shove another spoonful into your mouth, focusing on the taste and the love behind the person who made it for you.

"-and i almost fell into the fountain and she just stood there and laughed at me!"

look at them enjoying themselves. you’re the odd one out. the one who’s about to break everyone’s happy mood.

you can make out nayeon's cackle, "in my defense! it was pretty funny! you had all your bags and everything and you threw your phone at that little boy!"

"wait sana you did what?"

you should just leave. leave them. look how happy they are without you. all you bring is sadness and anger. you can’t give them anything they’d want. what could you offer them?

"momoringg!! don't join her in this! he pushed me!"

"yeah because you were trying to steal his girlfriend!"

useless. hopeless. there’s nothing you can do. you can’t get anything right. not your job, not your friends, they’ll realise soon enough you know? that they’re better than you. that they’re too good for you. then it’ll be them leaving you. do it first before they realise that and break your heart.

"i was not!"

"that definitely sounds like you actually."

"y/n! you're on my side right?"

you look up in a daze, confused at what the context of the conversation was. "sorry?"

momo's frowning, trying to meet your eyes but you avoid her, looking at sana who's pouting, "were you listening? are you okay y/n?"

"y-yeah sorry i was just- just thinking about something. can you tell me the story again?"

suddenly sana's all in your space, basically climbing into your lap and cupping your cheeks with her hands, squinting at you. "what were you thinking about?"

you blush immediately, "oh y-y'know, just work."

"work's more important than me?"

"no sana i didn't mean it like that i'm sorry. of course work isn’t more important than you. can you tell me the story again? i'll listen this time i promise."

sana hums, nudging her nose against yours gently, "i'll tell you if you tell me the truth."

"what truth?" you feign indifference.

you can tell nayeon is looking at momo, asking for an explanation with her eyes but momo shrugs, turning away and going towards the sink to do the dishes.

"we've been together for 7 months y/n. and i've known you for much longer than that. i can tell when you're lying honey."

you gulp, clutching the spoon tighter with your hands when you feel someone else, nayeon, unwrap your fingers gently and take the spoon away, interlocking your fingers with hers instead.

you stand up quickly, unable to be interrogated at such close distance anymore. sana looks a little hurt when you do, pouting but letting you go. you look at nayeon who's eyeing you with a concerned curiosity. momo still has her back to all of you with the tap on but you can tell her shoulders are tense.

you rub the back of your neck in nervousness, avoiding all of their gazes. "u-um... i actually kinda... have something i needed to talk to you all about..."

you can feel the anxiety ramping up, the adrenaline and urge to run away pumping through you, your palms beginning to sweat.

momo saves you when she turns off the tap and wipes her hands clean, "let's all go to the living room and have some ice cream and we can talk about it yeah?"

you smile at her gratefully and she returns it, grabbing the ice cream nayeon and sana just brought back and a few spoons and bowls.

nayeon and sana exchange looks of confusion but help momo bring the utensils over and eventually you're all sitting on your couch in the living room with the television on for some background noise so it wasn't too awkward.

you fiddle with your hands, not looking at any of them while the random sitcom you have plays in the background. momo notices and grabs a hand, intertwining your fingers and squeezing gently, reassuring you that she was there.

you take a breath, clearing your throat and looking up at nayeon and sana.

"so i- um- i don't really know how to say this-"

"it's okay baby take your time. it's just us right?"

"yeah we're not going to judge you honey. we're here for you whatever this is okay?"

you take a shaky breath in, mumbling incoherently to yourself before deciding, "u-um it's probably a bit easier to s-show you." you let go of momo's hand and start to undo the tie at your pants.

"um... y/n if all you wanted was sex i think there were other ways to-" momo slaps nayeon who yelps, rubbing her arm where she was hit mumbling a "what?" but momo shushes her and gestures back to you.

you stand up and drop your pants, immediately feeling the cool breeze against your naked legs, shivering a little and fighting the urge to cover yourself. you stare down at your feet when you hear the little gasps. you decide to start talking, refusing to look up, "i'm sorry i made momo lie to you. i wasn't sick last night. i woke up and started thinking some… not so great things and i needed it to stop so i- um- i went to the bathroom where i hid some of my old stuff and i um- well-“ you awkwardly gesture at your thighs before continuing, “momo woke up and found me after the first cut. i would’ve kept going if she didn’t find me. she helped me clean up and bandage it and then i asked to sleep in the guest room because i didn’t want to um- i wasn’t ready to uh- to tell you guys yet- i’m sorry for keeping this from all of you for so long.“

when you’re done, you risk a glance up, and find the three loves of your life, tears running down their faces.

sana’s the first to move, she gets up and practically jumps over to you, but she stops short right before you touch, “c-can i- c-can i hug you?”

you smile at her, feeling your own tears well up at the sight of your three girlfriends crying. “of course darling. i’m still the same. i still love cuddling with you.”

she doesn’t give you a second thought and buries her head into your neck, wrapping her arms around your waist. you realise you’re still standing in the middle of the living room with your pants down which is a little absurd but you wrap your arms around her, sagging into her a little when she squeezes. you can feel her soft crying and the tears wet your neck.

nayeon stands and comes around as well, a little hesitant but you look at her and offer a wet smile and she breaks, enveloping the both of you in her arms as well with a muted sob. momo joins in as well because of course she does, you look at her gratefully as she sniffles, fiddling a little with her fingers before coming around behind you and moulding herself to your back, hands coming around your waist and holding onto sana’s hands, giving them a squeeze for reassurance as well.

you're surrounded with all the love you wanted. so why do you still want to die? you don't listen to that voice, pushing it down and trying to stay in the moment. eventually, someone breaks away, and you awkwardly shuffle your pants back on, glad to be able to cover up your scars.

nayeon speaks up first, a hand still holding yours, squeezing gently, "how long have you been... y'know-"

"since before i met you. the thoughts started getting really bad when i was still in high school. and all the pressure with doing well and all the extra curriculars i was picking up, it just got too much. the only thing that worked was the pain. it got me through high school, and i started to rely on it. but then... the first time i slept with someone... she was appalled. i had almost forgotten the scars were there until my pants were off. she got scared off and i told myself i wouldn't let anyone else see this side of me."

"baby..."

"it's okay. it got better after i met you guys. and when we all started dating i stopped. i felt happy." you smile up at your girlfriends, tears still streaming down your face, "being with all of you made me forget those things. but they came back. and worse this time because- because i have so much more to lose now. i can't- i can't lose you-" you can't control the sobs when you break down again. pathetic.

the girls are surrounding you instantly, whispering reassurances, brushing through your hair, tracing shapes into your skin, you try and focus on your bodily sensations rather than your internalisations, try and focus on them.

"we'd never leave you honey... we're not complete without you, you believe me right?" sana's tilting your face up to meet hers, her eyes are watery, nose red.

"i'm trying to believe you."

she places her forehead against yours and closes her eyes, sighing slightly, "i'm going to tell you that everyday from now. that i love you and that i'm not going anywhere. until you believe me." she smiles and tries for a joke, "you're going to have to deal with clingy me for the rest of your life."

you let out a broken laugh, kissing her sweetly. "i love when you're clingy anyway."

she laughs as well, wiping at her nose.

you peek at nayeon. you know she has more questions, the frown on her face and the little pout she has breaks your heart. you reach a hand out to her, she takes it after some consideration, and you pull her into your lap.

"you can ask anything. there's nothing off limits. i'll try answer everything i can and i promise i'll be honest with everything. that goes for the both of you as well." you look over at sana who's moved to your side to allow for nayeon to sit on your lap, she's got a hand on the eldest's waist, playing with her shirt, her other hand on your shoulder.

momo moves to your other side, lifting nayeon's legs and placing them on her own, tracing her calves and brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

nayeon's biting her lip, you focus on the small mole under her left eyebrow.

"w-why didn't you tell us?"

you sigh, "i didn't really think i needed to at first. because i hadn't done it in so long. i thought i was better."

"is it because you thought you couldn't trust us?"

"no baby that's not it."

"why did you keep your old stuff hidden then? when we moved in together? a part of you must have thought you weren't entirely better."

you bring a hand up to caress her cheek, she leans into the touch. "you're right. i'm sorry."

"is it still here?"

you look towards momo for an answer and she nods, "i didn't want to throw everything away. i wanted you to make that decision on your own. i thought that if we forcefully got rid of your things you might just try and hide it from us the next time the feelings come up. it's there but i... i don't really like the idea of leaving you alone y/n..."

nayeon's squeezing one of momo's hands, "pretty baby's so smart. i'm thankful you found her momo."

you nod in agreement, "is that why you kept following me around?"

momo nods shyly, her eyes still wet.

"i'm okay with that. i don't- i don't really trust myself right now either. i think it'd be good if someone was with me. if that wasn't... a burden or anything of course..."

sana jumps in, "honey no. you're not a burden. i hope you don't think that about yourself. i love taking care of you. i'd love being able to be there for you while you get better."

you smile at her gratefully.

"what are some of the bad thoughts you have baby?" nayeon's bringing your attention back to her, you can tell she's struggling to formulate these questions. but you're glad that she's asking them.

"a lot of it is about you guys. because you're all the reason i'm still here today."

"what about us? what can we do sweetie?"

you shake your head, looking down at your hands which are quickly taken ahold of by momo and sana. "i guess it comes down to... wondering if you can still love me while i hate myself." your grip tightens around their hands.

"you hate yourself?" nayeon's voice is shaky now, she's trying her best to hold back her emotions, wanting to find out everything she can do for you.

you nod, tears dropping onto her pants.

"there's this song. i think- i think it might be easier to play that for you guys if that's okay? i'm not really- i don't really know how to talk about this..."

they nod and quickly try and find your phone. momo finds it and hands it over to you. you quickly unlock it and search for the song you're looking for. could you love me while i hate myself - zeph.

you press play, clicking into the lyrics and staring at them to avoid looking at your girlfriend's reactions. it's a short song.

could you love me while i hate myself?

could you love me though i don't deserve it?

could you love me like there's no one else

even though you know i can't return it?

could you love me when the water's rough?

or when i leave you in a desert?

could you love me, though i speak with knives?

knowing all to well that you'll get hurt

if you can't answer 'yes' just go

i'm more trouble than i'm worth

could you love me while i hate myself?

because i don't know how this works

i never learned how this works

when it ends, you awkwardly tap out of your app, putting your phone down.

"thank you for sharing that baby."

you hum.

nayeon takes a shaky breath in, then quietly asks, "is it okay if i sing for you?"

you're surprised, looking up at her, her eyes are red. you nod.

she closes her eyes, humming a note to start, taking a breath in again and steadying her voice.

i'll love you while you hate yourself

i'll love you because you deserve it

i'll love you like i love us together

until you're ready to return it

i'll love you when things get rough

no matter where you leave us

i'll love you even when you're

working out all your thoughts

i'll get hurt if it means

some of your pain comes onto me

i'll love you while you hate yourself

and we'll figure out how it works

together we'll learn to get better

when she finishes and opens her eyes, you're sniffling again, tears streaming out of your eyes.

sana's the first to speak up, bringing her hands up to wipe at the tears on nayeon's cheeks, "our little musical genius. of course you came up with a response exactly on pitch after listening to a song once."

nayeon lets out a broken laugh, leaning into sana's touch.

you meet her eyes, a bright smile gracing your face, and you probably look a little silly, wet cheeks and red nosed with tears still dripping out of you, but nayeon laughs again in relief, coming in and kissing you.

you kiss her back gratefully, trying to convey how much you loved her in your action. you can feel sana's hand on your arm and momo's fingers in your hair. you loved them.

the thoughts are still there. you think they’ll always be there. but you don’t have to take them on on your own anymore. it would take time, but the people you loved were going to help you through it. you needed to put some trust in them as well, trust that they wouldn't leave, trust that they loved you just as you loved them, you wanted to get better, for them and for yourself, you believed you could get better with their help, for now, that was enough.

⸸

an extra a/n bcs its important: hi! i recognise that all experiences are unique so i just wanted to say the descriptions here aren’t meant to be generalised and i didn’t intend to write any stereotypes or misconceptions and i apologise if i have - i try to draw upon my own experiences to be able to write - in saying that i hope that anyone who feels they relate to similar themes etc seeks the help they need from professional sources - my dms are open ofc but i am not a professional and it is best to speak to someone who can help you in real time and in physicality. stay safe love y’all practice some self care today if u get the chance! <3

[cambion-companion]

Hi! So I’m a nurse and my husband doesn’t like anyone helping him but me and I find it oddly romantic. I was wondering if maybe you could do a story where the princess is also a trained healer and Aemond comes home from war with an injury that he should have had a Maester look at but he only wants his wife touching him 🥹 like nothing super life threatening but perhaps she’s cleaning one of his scrapes and he’s feeling her up and she swats his hand away playfully and says “no feeling up the healer” with a teasing grin and he’s like it’s why I fell in love with you in the first place, you take such good care of me and other people and I just 🥹

I love this idea! I sort of took liberties with these requests and did a short story based on the idea of Aemond and Y/N having unspoken feelings for one another till this point. Aemond has been closed off to Y/N for a while now and it takes him falling down a flight of stairs for him to open up.

Aemond x reader | taking care of an injured Aemond | healer!reader

"Hold still Aemond."

"I'm perfectly fine."

"Oh really?" You glanced skyward, uttering a silent prayer for patience as the silver-haired prince shifted uncomfortably in your grasp. "What if I put pressure here?"

Aemond cursed, trying to yank his arm away from your touch. "Gods be damned, Y/N! Why would you do that?"

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" You quirked an eyebrow at his scowling face. "You sure took a tumble. Did Aegon really put up that much of a fight?"

Aemond shrugged in response, wincing as he gazed into the flames of the sitting room fireplace. You resumed applying healing salve to the quickly blossoming bruises on the shoulder and arm where he'd landed.

"Are you in much pain?" You tried reading his stoic expression, the prince avoiding your eyes resolutely.

"I have the blood of dragons running through my veins." Aemond sniffed. "Pain is a foreign-ouch!"

You looked up at him from under your brows. "You were saying?"

"I don't need you fussing over me, Y/N."

You sighed, wrapping the worst of his injuries as best you could manage. "I insist Aemond." You sat back on your heels from where you knelt next to him on the floor. "Where else does it hurt?"

"I've already told you..." Aemond's lilac eye found yours at last, his lips pouting slightly. "I need no assistance; I am perfectly capable of dealing with this myself."

"You don't have to be alone Aemond." You spoke the words before truly registering their meaning, they lingered heavily in the air between you and the prince.

Aemond was silent, his eye flickering over your face from your eyes to your mouth and back.

"My ankle." He said, finally breaking the loud silence. "I don't imagine I can put much pressure on it."

You hesitated, looking at him for permission before rolling up the pantleg where he was indicating. His ankle was indeed swollen, the injury attempting to shield itself from further trauma. When you grazed your fingers lightly along the bruised skin Aemond flinched away and hissed through his teeth.

"I don't think it's broken, thankfully." You measured the set of the bone with practiced eyes. "Though you should elevate it."

You grabbed several pillows, creating a raised cushion for Aemond to rest his foot upon at the end of the couch. "I'll need you to lie down."

Aemond looked you over once before nodding curtly. "Very well." He allowed you to help guide his leg atop the pillows, scooting back so he lay prone upon the sofa.

You tried your best to not become overly distracted by the way his hair fell like a silken waterfall over the edge of the couch or the way his long fingers clasped together atop his abdomen as he watched your movements closely.

You gingerly began smoothing ointment onto the swollen skin of his ankle, Aemond grunting in pain as he attempted to keep still for you.

"What was that about being 'fine' and not needing help?" You teased, giggling as Aemond grumbled in protest.

"Perhaps I miscalculated slightly."

You shook your head, a fond smile tugging your lips as you continued tending his injuries. After you had finished wrapping his ankle you sat back to admire your work.

"Why do you ask for me?" You asked, breaking the comfortable silence. "Whenever you're injured you send for me. Why?"

Aemond sat up on his forearms the better to observe you. He took a short breath. "I trust you." Such simple words seemed to cost him a great deal and he looked away, pursing his lips.

"I'm honored." There was no sarcasm in your voice, and your face was open and honest when Aemond's eye snapped back to look at you.

You moved up to where a bruise was beginning to darken his collarbone, keenly aware of his breath on your hands. You made the mistake of looking him in the eye, his scorching gaze causing the air to stop catch in your throat. Your fingers stilled atop his warm flesh, Aemond's hand rose to gently trace the inside of your wrist and forearm. You held his intent gaze, unaware that you were leaning into him until you felt the tickle of his breath on your lips.

"I'm sorry." You snapped back to attention, jerking away from him, trying to regain composure of your flaming cheeks.

"Don't be." Aemond's voice was coarse, his hand found the back of your neck, pulling until you yielded.

He guided you close once more, brushing his lips against your own carefully, as if handling something delicate, afraid it would break. He seemed to be waiting for you to give him permission, lingering with his mouth barely touching your sensitive skin.

You nuzzled your nose against his, pressing further into him, giving him your acceptance as you deepened the kiss. Your mind was lost to bliss, feeling his mouth moving against yours, the wetness of his tongue skimming the swell of your bottom lip. He nipped gently at you until you opened to him, allowing him to explore you, his tongue languidly entwining with your own.

Your hand touched the bruise on his shoulder and Aemond pulled away with a short huff of pain, the spell of your embrace broken like a soap bubble.

"Gods, I am sorry." You shook your head as if that would help clear it.

"Stop apologizing, Y/N." Aemond rasped a short chuckle, sweeping his fingers through his hair, moving it off his face.

Blushing furiously, still feeling the fresh memory of his lips, you tried to refocus on applying the last of the salve to his injuries.

Aemond's hands began to wander, caressing their way along your arms and tracing your sides down to your waist. There was a small smile playing on his plush lips as he watched your face, drinking in your reactions with relish.

"I do love those little gasps you make when I touch you, Y/N." His hands came to rest purposefully atop your hips. "You've always had little tells."

You batted away his searching hands as they sought lower along your body. "No feeling up the healer, Aemond."

Aemond gave you an aggrieved look, but his hands fell away from you all the same. You immediately missed their warmth.

"I'm glad my feelings were so obvious to you." You finished dressing his injuries, corking the bottle of salve and setting it aside before giving him your full attention. "Why make me wait so long? I thought you were indifferent to me."

Aemond shifted, clasping your hand and tugging you closer. "You asked me yourself why I always send for you when in need of a healer, Y/N." He tucked a stray lock of hair behind your ear. "I am ill accustomed to letting people close." His eye followed the movement of your lips slowly parting as you registered his words. He brought your hand closer, placing a soft kiss to your knuckles. "You mend broken things. Perhaps that is why you are drawn to me as well."

"You aren't broken Aemond." He snorted and turned his head, you tucked your finger against his chin, guiding him back to look at you. "Not to me."

Aemond seemed caught between a sneer and a laugh, his eye becoming glassy as he looked at a point over your shoulder. He did not speak for quite some time, the two of you lapsing into silence as you both fought with your emotions.

"Stay with me tonight." He spoke softly, almost a whisper.

"Aemond..."

"I don't have nightmares when you're with me."

You didn't know what to say, your brow furrowing as you read the unguarded expression on Aemond's face. Slowly you nodded, "Would you like me to remove this?"

Your fingers traced the leather band of his eyepatch, but Aemond flinched away. "No." He said shortly, taking a steadying breath before trying to smile. "No, I will be alright with it on."

You didn't press the issue, disliking the sudden tension your suggestion had brought. "Tell me more about the dragons."

Aemond's lips twitched. "Where did we leave off last time?"

"You were expounding on Balerion the Black Dread."

"Oh yes, I remember you were quite fond of hearing about him." Aemond's thumb traced circles to the back of your hand as he began retelling stories of the great dragon, his eye alight with the fervor only speaking of his passions brought.

You listened, spellbound, asking questions as they came into your mind. The two of you leaning into one another, equally entranced by the other's presence.

You had unwittingly fallen for a dragon and only fate would decide if you ended up being protected or burned.

Either way you were on fire.

[acourtofthought]

Hello! Not sure if you talked about this already but, do you think Lucien could've done more to help Feyre? Sometimes I see Lucien/Elucien fans say this, but they never outline what specifically he could've done. He had to balance dealing with Feyre's issues, Tamlin's, making sure Spring was stabilized, and his own traumas too. Rhys and Feyre said he could've done more but....what could he have done that didn't set off a mentally unstable High Lord? He was getting abused himself trying to help.

I think it's normal for readers to primarily focus on the heroines story and her pov when reading a book and as a result, it makes it too easy to drown out the things that do not relate to Feyre and her suffering.

When you really break it all down to look at the big picture though, by the time ACOMAF began, Feyre had been in Lucien's life for a few months. MONTHS.

In comparison, Lucien had been Tamlin's "right hand" for centuries. Helping out the people of Spring for centuries. Had been dealing with Amarantha's curse for over 49 years.

Feyre came into Lucien's life after murdering his friend. It didn't take long before Lucien moved past that and he was willing to risk his own life for her on a few occasions. First when he glamored her from Rhys, second when he refused to give up Feyre's name, and third when he helped her in her first trial which resulted in him being whipped, prevented from healing, then being used as Amarantha's toy to torment in Feyre's second trial.

But when they returned to Spring, it wasn't just about Lucien sacrificing himself for Feyre anymore, he had more to think about than just himself and just Feyre.

"If we're going to stand a chance of rebuilding. What he says goes. I am the first one the others look to - I set the example. Don't ask me to risk the stability of this court by pushing back. Not right now"

"No. Amarantha had ... camps for them. The nobles and favored faeries were allowed to dwell UTM. But if the people of a court weren't working to bring in goods and food, they were locked in camps in a network of tunnels beneath the Mountain. Thousands of them, crammed into chambers and tunnels with no light, no air. For fifty years.- " "Some of them went mad, started preying on the others when Amarantha forgot to order her guards to feed them. Soe formed bands that prowled the camps and did - " "They did horrible things. Right now, they're trying to remember what it is to be normal - how to live"

Truly, were Feyre's needs more important than the needs of an entire court? The needs of a people who experienced 50 years of torture compared to her 3 months?

What she did for them was amazing but it doesn't take away their trauma either.

And while Lucien was not only balancing what the entire Spring Court needed and also trying to help Feyre with what she needed, he faced push back from a HIGH LORD everytime he did so:

"She meant no harm, Tam."

"I know she meant no harm," he snapped.

Lucien held his gaze. "Worse things have happened, worse things can happen. Just relax."

Tamlin's emerald eyes were feral as he snarled at Lucien, "Did I ask for your opinion?"

To this, Feyre thinks "those words, the look he gave Lucien and the way Lucien lowered his head - my temper was a burning river in my veins. Look up, I silently beseeched him. Push back. He's wrong, and we're right. Do not back down."

But Feyre says nothing. She just sits there, not offering support to Lucien and expecting him to do something. When it's obvious he's clearly on the line of risking Tamlin's abuse.

Feyre is beseeching Lucien to further open himself up to possible abuse.

Then again later: Lucien had gone on, his tone pleading, Tamlin. Tam. Just let her train, let her master this - if the other High Lords do come for her, let her stand a chance...

I heard the first word out of his mouth, barely more than a growl. No. We give them no reason to suspect she might have any abilities, which training will surely do. Don't give me that look Lucien. Then a vicious snarl, and a shudder of magic rocked the house. Tamlin's voice had been low, deadly. "Do not push me on this."

Feyre then thinks, I didn't want to know what was happening in that room, what he'd done to Lucien, what Lucien had even looked like to cause that pulse of power.

So again, Feyre ignores Luciens' abuse from Tamlin. Feyre with the power of all 7 High Lords and Lucien having no clue he's the Heir to Day and no clue that he might become a High Lord himself as he's not come into his powers, yet their argument is why didn't Lucien do more for Feyre?

Since when is a victim of domestic violence responsible for standing up to their abuser because someone else is also being abused (unless you have a parent / child siutation)?

And yes, Lucien did want to take Feyre back to Spring after Rhys took her but here's where it gets tricky.

A victim hears how their abuser is sorry, they've learned their lesson, they'll be better, and sometimes the victim falls for it.

So Lucien has this centuries old friend who was his friend for many years and who had once saved his life and he only witnessed his sprial after everything that happened with Amarantha. Why wouldn't Lucien believe that Tamlin was capable of change?

Compared to Rhys who perpetuated lies for centuries that he was evil and did play mind games and did torture and Feyre fed into that when Lucien found her because she wanted Velaris to remain protected.

So out of those two scenarios, a friend who seems genuinely remorseful for his recent behaviors versus a High Lord who continues letting everything think he's evil and has the power to brainwash others, and Lucien was wrong for thinking she would be safer in Spring?

It's not like he could steal her away to another Court, what other court would harbor them if they believed it was a slight against another High Lord? Aren't we specifically told that is a cause for war?

Some readers love to simplify things so they can place blame on a character they don't like but they're forgetting SJM writes complexity in her characters relationships, how morally gray even her favorites can be which leaves other characters between a rock and a hard place.

So with that all said, I don't think Lucien could have done more for Feyre because he was being hit from every side. "What is best for the people of Spring? They too have suffered" "Feyre is being brainwashed by Rhys." "Every time I try to stand up for what I believe I end up abused" "I don't like how he's acting but Tamlin was my friend long before this and I have faith he can go back to who he once was."

[spot-of-tea]

Okay so partially inspired by this post but I just love the idea of Zeref having a somewhat active role in the dragon slayers lives before going through the eclipse gate.

Like he would've been young at that point (young by his standards at least) he wouldn't somewhat come to terms with his curse and possibly would've found a way to co exist with it for the time being while trying to find ways to break it.

I always think that Anna and the dragons brought him a lot of stability during that period and while he wouldn't have spent a great deal around the dragon slayers for their own safety, they also weren't stopped from seeing him and understood that his curse wasn't something he could control.

Like I like to headcanon that Anna and the dragon slayers were some of the first people that listened to him and understood his limitations and didn't expect anything additional than what he was willing/able to give.

And then to lose his entire support system, possibly very suddenly, not knowing if/when he would ever see them again. That must've been beyond difficult and as the years/decades/centuries went on, without that support, with god knows what trauma he suffered from (because I guarantee that Grimoire Heart wasn't the first to try and force him to be a tool for their own purpose) he became bitter and broken.

By the time Anna came back through the portal and went and looked for the children, do you ever think she looked for her old friend? Looked for any sign that he was still the man she used to know, knowing deep down that her friend was long gone. I imagine that hurt.

Gods that got dark towards the end. but yeh I need more of Anna, Zeref and the dragons as a big happy family.

[maraudingforflesh]

Jujutsu Kaisen recs - featuring ItaFushi, NanaGo, and found family stuff for extra flavor

https://archiveofourown.org/series/2283464

Gojo Satoru is a Good Dad (series); y’all this is that good good family content with gojo raising the fushiguro siblings and also some very sweet nanami/gojo content as well 10/10 these fics are wonderful

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27022993/chapters/65970139

built your walls around me (15,282 words); fushiguro is absolutely in love with itadori and he’s still dealing with the trauma of having watched him die once and knowing it will happen again someday. Plus there’s some guy on campus who won’t stop telling him and kugisaki that they’re fools for befriending itadori.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29673129

Chew On My Heart (18,817 words); fushiguro is haunted by watching itadori die and knowing that itadori really deserved to live

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30443334

Of Flowers and a Child (9,481 words); itadori likes flowers

https://archiveofourown.org/works/35699185

you are my favorite what if (you are the best i'll never know) (14,048 words); what if nanami went to pick up itadori and noticed the finger in the yoshino’s apartment

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31346678

traditions (6,873 words); itadori and fushiguro have a weekly movie night

https://archiveofourown.org/works/35963194

“To Chase” (7,520 words); fushiguro thinks about his childhood with gojo while he’s on a date with itadori

https://archiveofourown.org/works/38732676/chapters/96844425

all these immaterial, untouchable things (10,508 words); itadori and fushiguro reevaluate themselves and each other before, during, and after a mission that goes awry

https://archiveofourown.org/works/44913571

reconcile the violence (10,066 words); in the wake of shibuya, nanami is trying to regain his strength away from Tokyo after being brought back to life and he somehow ends up unsealing gojo in the process

https://archiveofourown.org/works/36370672/chapters/90677620

Residuals (12,273 words); nanami is left with some effects after killing a curse and gojo is there to take care of him

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34643842/chapters/86246881

Those who were left behind (8,805 words); haibara is dead and geto is gone. Nanami and gojo are still here.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47738377

Advanced Fluency (15,982 words); nanami and gojo throughout the years as they fall into and away from each other

https://archiveofourown.org/works/52303381

Six Eyed Migraine (5,588 words); gojo has a migraine

https://archiveofourown.org/works/52081066

a heart that breaks (is a heart that's been loved) (11,520 words); becoming a family with the fushiguro siblings has some hurdles along the way but gojo tries his best to be there

https://archiveofourown.org/works/51744244

Go the f*ck to sleep, Gojo! (5,844 words); gojo is exhausted and nanami steps up to take care of him and his students

https://archiveofourown.org/works/50289775

Pottery with Gilded Cracks (Or the Dust it Becomes) (8,121 words); 5 times someone mistakes fushiguro for gojo’s son +1 time he accepts that gojo really is his dad

https://archiveofourown.org/series/3171501

Live Together, Die Alone (series); fics about itadori, fushiguro, kugisaki, and gojo being a family and taking care of each other

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29426328/chapters/72287544

Itadori Yuuji’s Guide to Falling In Love (29,428 words); itadori comes up with a plan to get fushiguro to kiss him and it actually works

https://archiveofourown.org/series/2857717

chronicles of a man trying his best (series); gojo is trying his best to be a father even if his best isn’t always very good. His kid is a menace, but nanami helps.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/49087693/chapters/123843310

sky’s effluents (51,929 words); sometimes family can be difficult especially when that family is two traumatized children being raised by a larger traumatized child

[alexanderlightweight]

I absolutely love your writing style so I’m so excited to send a prompt, imma do my best to word it properly :)

I’m always in the mood for angst and so I think this should work nicely

I can’t decide which half of malec this should be but one of them have been made to deal with a trauma, Alec maybe being tortured by the clave or being punished by his parents, or even Magnus being tortured by the clave could be good. Either way it could start with them having some fluffy moments together, a soft morning maybe but then wake up to find that none of their relationship was real- they made it up to deal with what’s happening around them and then they wake up to find that none of it was real. Oh it could be a curse maybe? To put someone through love just to then take it away, and it was an illusion.

Feel free to pick and choose pieces of this that works best for you and make it your own :))

this is very sweet btw! thank you! you worded it perfectly fine btw!

okay so i took the beginnings of this and changed it! because i got the second ask from you and i wanted to still try to work with it and just leave out some of the major angst! also i used to love writing angst, nothing wrong with it. just not in the right headspace so i totally get it.

i hope you enjoy!

lumine

-

Magnus wakes up, reaching for Alexander and the soft golden light that will be breaking over his face. Instead, his fingers pass through nothing as the illusion breaks and he finds himself lying on a cold, hard slab of dirty stone.

“So you see—” the Silent Brother conducting the ritual says, voice echoing around Magnus’ mind. “Child, it is not worth it for you to hope for love. Whatever you saw, you understand now the pain it will bring you.”

Magnus does understand.

He understands that the Silent Brother’s are trying to keep him away from Alexander and that his magic isn’t letting it. Someday, somehow in hundred of years, Alexander is going to be born. He’s going to be Magnus’ just like he was in the glimpse of the future, but even more so.

Magnus smirks at the Silent Brother’s who so sweetly gave him everything he’s ever wanted and then ripped it away. They think they’re taming him but they’re only giving him hope and determination.

Alexander is going to love Magnus with every fiber of his being in a world where they should never have met.

Magnus is going to make sure that this one is different.

“I understand now.” Magnus tells them, letting his voice deflate in a way that his stubbornness and pride have never let him. The Silent Brother’s are even less mundane than nephilim and they don’t know how to raise anyone, let alone a warlock. Magnus understands that now and while his memories are mostly of his Alexander, Magnus remembers enough to know how to get to safety.

It’s with a smirk that he shatters the wards a creates a portal that shouldn’t be possible for generations to come.

Magnus doesn’t need help after all, he realizes as he steps through the portal, to where he hopes is closet to Ragnor’s current location.

All he needs is the power of his own love which like Alexander’s, is enough to change worlds.

[nomsfaultau]

Daily ask №23!

Random/cursed edition!

What if I were to try and tell Fault!Wilbur where babies come from?

So. Phil has said that Tubbo's problem is not having blood in that one famous shitpost which got me into Fault in the first place. So. What if they did have blood though? Like what if some of the wax cells were filled with blood? Just spontaneously. For blood-letting purposes, yk.

I think I saw you mention somewhere that Fault!Tubbo either has or could potentially have memories from different alternative versions of themselves. Explain please?? Also does that mean that they potentially have memories from my personal au where most of my ocs and headcanons live? Btw my first reaction at that thought was "AAHH FUCK NONONONONO BITCH CHEESUS CRUST". It's not that bad though I promise I'd just be embarrassed either way.

What if. What if the Fault crew + the scp researchers got spontaneously teleported into a gacha reaction videos where they had to react to your shitposts, animations and drawings. Also throw a couple of 2018 style gacha vids in there for good measure. (While writing this I checked the lyrics of Devils don't fly and realised that it's actually a pretty serious song. Which like- damn.)

What role would the Fault crew characters get in the soldier poet king test? I do love that test a little too much maybe- here's the link to the quiz! https://uquiz.com/quiz/MYLbZ3/are-you-a-soldier-a-poet-or-a-king

This one has heavy spoilers!

1. Probably depends on how you do it, but I think he’d just take basic notes on sex-ed. Doesn’t have much puritan context of taboo or embarrassment on the subject. Fairly indifferent on the whole sex thing because he doesn’t think it’ll ever come up in his lifestyle of avoiding humans and knowing only 4 people. Probably a little irritated that its theories were so wildly off base, grumble a bit about how its own ideas about making Faustian bargains with dark entities and trading organ: [womb] for power make far more sense but whatever. He thinks pregnancy is stupid because how are you supposed to run like that? And your food is SIPHONED off by the fetus? Why can’t they get their own? And at the end you get a human. Terrible process all around. 3/10 Tommy has less ammunition to tease it now and that’s IT. 

2. Probably smell bad. Maybe they could do things like blush? Mosquitoes would go crazy for them. If this is ‘a previously weren’t a blood fruit gusher’ situation, Tubbo would be freaking out about 1. Who the muffin’s blood is this and 2. Starving 2 death babyy. Cause they really need that honey to operate. A bunch of baby larva are going to die even if all the workers can go into overdrive to feed the Hive. I think it would be very funny if Tubbo tried to break into a blood bank to donate it all. Shhh don’t worry about where this blood came from. Or what happened to the security cameras. It’s for a good cause trust trust. 

3.Heavy spoilers. The plan was that Tubbo and Wilbur get dunked through the near apocalypse via dissolving of the narrative due to SOMEONE being so depressed it fails to keep the void in check/potentially interpretable as being suicidal, thus exposing the two to pure void madness and realizing everything is a story. Which would entail having some familiarity/confusion about the source material of the dsmp, some vlogs, etc. but not necessarily AUs. But then SOMEONE turned out to be an abusive ass, and that plot point got very icky to me. I’ve been debating it for months, but realized I’m sexy and do what I want so am going to limit it to pure awareness of being a story, but not necessarily a fanfic. Still has the existential crisis of it and the philosophical implications that are going to so beautifully deal with themes of attachments, the purpose of narratives, and parallel whatever the hell trauma Tommy is dealing with during that section. But won’t actually deal with having any true awareness of stuff outside of Fault. Except maybe for realizing “Lawrence killed our muffining husband?!” because that scene was funny as hell to write. I dunno plans change. I’ve tried not to let outside events change my artistic vision, but it’s inevitable. 

4.Oh goodness they absolutely despise me for all the jokes about the horrors they’re going through. Probably think they’re being drawn ‘cute’ given they’re probably a lot freakier looking irl, and slightly distressed about being chibis. I think most would even consider it ‘out of character’ given their self perceptions don’t tend to be the most accurate. Current Wilbur is hissing and vehement about being constantly called an it because his character development is very far off from when that happens. Philza is a little disappointed that his bloodthirsty moments gets so much emphasis since he’s so chill 97% of the time. Tommy is absolutely chuffed to bits to realize he’s the main character, though trying to do damage control cause haha I’m fine guys this crazy internet person just made me seem edgy and depressed. 

Webb is going to strangle me for the Philza/Webb post tho. And the haha poor alcoholic divorcee doormat jokes. Dr. Blake assumes the blog is an anomaly and starts trying to torture it…?

5. I took the quiz sitting in the heads of all of them. 

Tommy: The Poet. “So I wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me, till then my windows ache.” “The one who hurt you haunts you. In your nightmares, they say I am disappointed in you” literally happens in Fault. With Philza. “What is a sin? Inevitable” is pretty much something he tells Tubbo word for word. “What is hell anyway? Barren” "how can you love me with all that I've done ?"

The Blade: The Soldier. “if you were to wear a crown it would be covered in blood. The one of the guilty.” “The sword is at your side. It bore your name long before you did.” is rather literal both for his name and The Blood God. “but how can I sleep with the world in my head?" “What is hell anyway? Doubt”

Wilbur: The King. “Despite all your attempts, you have never been a healer. You hurt people and they leave and you are alone in a room full of silence. You sing to try and forget, but it does not work” everything about this. Trying to heal but being made of destruction, his fears of devouring his family, singing, memory loss, everything everything it’s so Wilbur. "come and be human with me" “The one who hurt you haunts you. In your nightmares, they say I love you." <literally Phil’s last words when Wilbur killed him in the Whumptober au. "but how can I sleep with the world in my head?" why it has insomnia.

Philza: The Poet. “There are rules. How many? One, and you will follow it.” For his Collected. “Fear: You did your best and it wasn't enough. You tried and failed and kept trying and it wasn't enough. You had the power to change things and it wasn't enough.” For all his dead children. "you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist" it's him reaching out. I love the reverse imagery with Phil, a god worshiping his mortals “anger is a strength in a world of apathy.” He feels no shame or burden for his anger, knowing well the good it can do. “Who taught you about guilt? The silence” 

Tubbo: The King. Absolutely perfect as a foil to The Blade btw. “What is duty? Undeniable” “The throne looks golden, and covered in flowers” “Fear: You did your best and it wasn't enough. You tried and failed and kept trying and it wasn't enough.” Saving people from Philza. “The one who hurt you haunts you. In your nightmares, they say I forgive you” Rosaliiiiiind. “Who taught you about guilt? God”

[ericaportfolio]

My Friendly Neighborhood Review

Hey Kids! Do you want a mascot horror game that's actually good? Do you want to shoot and watch puppets fly across the room in funny ways? Or do you want to play a game that breaks you to the point of ugly crying due to the messages about selfishness versus selflessness, the trauma of war, grief, depression, death, and depending on which ending you decide, make you feel miserable or hopeful? (Boy, what I wrote there got dark!) Then you should play My Friendly Neighborhood!!!

July 8, 1993, in a very unfriendly city where the citizens that were emotionally affected by the war that lasted for twenty years by watching it from their TV sets (An in-universe version of the Vietnam War in this game), an old studio's antenna starts up playing a canceled kids show that's the in-universe version of Sesame Street, My Friendly Neighborhood, over the news. You play as repair crewman Gordon O'Brian was forcibly sent by his employer, Sprocket Palm Property Management, and their clients, City Network Broadcasting Group, to shut down the antenna at the top of the abandoned studio's hotel. Failure to do so, Gordon, due to his terrible, mean, and rude behavior, would result in getting fired. Upon getting there, SURPRISE, The Puppets Are Alive That A Lot Of Them Want To Hug You To Death!!! Along the way, Ricky the Sock Puppet guides Gordon throughout the studio trying to convince him not to disconnect the antenna. Can Gordon survive the night at the studio as he tries to find a way up to the antenna? Or will Gordon be trapped in the studio forever?

Pros... There's a lot! I can list them all day! The game is a love letter to tv shows and movies made by the Jim Henson Company over the years. The shows and movies had different names to prevent copyright claims in the game's universe. The cute factor is that you'll get attached to Ricky the Sock Puppet. He's like if Scout Prime from Hello Puppets was similar to Kermit the Frog and doesn't curse. If you're thinking, wait Hello Puppets already did possess murder puppets, that seems repetitive! Actually, the puppets aren't possessed. I'm wondering if the creators are saving a twist for another game. (Please let it be Gordon, Ricky, and the Neighborhood characters versus the villains from the in-universe The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth movies after they fell for a trap they thought was a movie deal!) I won't dive into details in this review. Let's say you have to think on your own about what's really happening here. I think for a horror game to do that was refreshing. What you might have fun with in this game is the clever ideas and designs of the weapons you find, the Rolodex and the Novelist being two of them, and the puzzles you come across along the way. However, the best part of the game has to be the writing since it takes a survival horror game and turns it into a dark comedy that would make Mel Brooks proud. If you're a completionist and you finish the game, don't leave! There's More! There are 'secret tapes' scattered around the studio, and once you finish the game, they will unlock cheats and mods to create some interesting experiences the next time you play.

There aren't many cons to this game. Something was happening with the maps, but that was fixed, thankfully. If I have some things I have to nitpick, first, this game has a lot of backtracking to other levels that many would find annoying. However, you'll make discoveries along the way. Just get ready if the previous levels you have been through get harder as more puppets appear. Second, you need to be ready to conserve your ammunition. Once it's gone and used, it's GONE, and your left with the wrench. So plan ahead, or you're dead in the finale! For beginners, this game may take hours or days to beat unless you got the patience to win. As the game continues, some of the puzzles will get harder and leave you scratching your head for a while. There have also been some complaints that the game should be considered a horror game at times, even though there are terrifying moments. Especially in the climax and ending that would leave you shaking unless you wished for more from that. So the cute factor in the game may turn off some who want something darker than this. Yet, if you read carefully the files you collect, you'll discover where the true darkness lurks in this game.

I may need to warn you of potential spoilers to some trigger warnings of war, depression, and references to taking away your own life. In a game about fighting murder puppets, the game does a shockingly good job tackling war trauma not just for the victims and soldiers but also for the citizens back on the homefront, where many viewed the soldiers as villains and getting exposed to the war on their home televisions. Because of that, the citizens in the city were traumatized and depressed by it. Even one worker at the studio wrote about "going into the light". I got a theory as to what happened to them. Something I noticed at the beginning makes sense now when reading those notes.

So there are multiple endings in the game. One is the true ending. Whichever ending you get, get your tissues ready. You might cry ugly tears of joy. Overall, spending money on this game is worth it! Even if you don't have the money, watch your favorite Gaming YouTubers and watch the game as a movie experience. It's not perfect, but it's rightfully up there, along with that antenna. This game may not be for everyone, but if you're a fan of Resident Evil (which I should start watching more gameplay of the game series if able, to be honest), you grew up with Sesame Street and the Muppets, you're a big Jim Henson Company nerd, you like puppets, you're a fan of Hello Puppets and Welcome Home, and you love film noir, this game is for you. So get it while it's still on sale, grab a buddy or two, and get learning in your favorite friendly neighborhood!

I would give this game a 9/10 for Ricky being adorable and Gordon getting some needed sleep.

[estranhossonhos]

INHERITED TRAUMAS

One of the main issues I've been having lately is processing sensory issues.

Since I got my official diagnosis (ADHD) - a year ago - I've been relearning how to process this (and all other symptoms). And even though it's been tough (REALLY TOUGH), it has also been rewarding, because I'm finally starting to understand my past and present self better, and consequently I am starting to understand my (undiagnosed but sick) parents as well and forgiving them.

Once upon a time...

I recently had a 💡 moment, and noticed that 60% of the time, back when I was a teenager, if I was hyper reacting, screaming/crying, wanting to be isolated (but I couldn't because it was considered rude), always tired, couldn't understand what was happening to my mind/body, and why nobody understood how I felt (which made everything worse), it was ALL DUE TO MY UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - specially my sensory issues.

While I am typing this, guess where I am currently spending some days at...?

I get flashbacks of those moments, every time I visit my parents' house.

TV is always on and loud, and because of it, they are always screaming (instead of turning the volume down and/or go to the person they want to talk to).

I would always feel stuck (and stressed) during every mealtime because "dinner time is the only time we are all together" (while having bright white fluorescent lights on us, tv is still loud, all the screaming and yelling, and dealing with my parents inflexibility to accommodate my continuous requests to turn the volume down or to even turn it off, since it was "family time"!).

I swear, my parents love me and I love them. I'm just describing part of my older sibling curse - the one that is always trying to break generational traumas a.k.a mental health issues that were passed down and never taken seriously.

Even though my parents came to my help and sincerely asked what they could do for me, they essentially continued the same, because their inherited trauma was "don't cry, be tough" and inability to communicate, like adults.

And when I would snap at them and ask why even bother asking if they do not listen to me, they would just shrug and say "because we are the adults and you are a kid" (and yes, they still say the same thing to theirs - now - 30+ years "kid").

Therefore, during the 18 years I lived with them, I was raised in a stressful environment, which made me hate EVERY "family time" (even road trips, because guess what - there's no tv but there's RADIO!), and created a constantly anxious human being, because every night we would have dinner together, under the exact same conditions.

And now you ask:

"How did you survive all of that?" - well I was misdiagnosed and being treated for depression and anxiety, for 28 years. And honestly? Most likely, that's what got me through LIFE - because, at least I was treating some symptoms of my ADHD, and learning through therapy how to deal with my upbringing conditions.

So let us now have an adult shrug-moment 🤷‍♀️ and a toast 🥂 , and wish for a less traumatized generation - or in case this family line ends with me, let's wish for a less traumatized self (pretty please?! 🤡).

[sentfromwolves]

Sorry, HBABL and Nemesis are a brainworm now. You fed me once, now I'm back. How much can you tell me about his relationship with Judge? :>

WAGGGGGGHGHHH ANOTHER ASK I AM BEING SPOILED!! ;----; THANK U SO MUCH I love Judge and Nemesis, they make me so incredibly emo. A lot of stuff regarding them is spoiler heavy so I will try to be as spoiler free as possible. Their first meeting is, uh, very intense.

“I’m the devil that ate your ma,” he replied, breath rich with the scent of brimstone and iron, “I’m the beast living beneath the hood of your car. I’m the demon she summoned, the demon she couldn’t control. And I’ve got no heart, little witch, but I’m in the market for one.” He tightened his grip on Nemesis’s wrist. The world around the two of them had begun burning in earnest now, fire raging up the walls, eating through the desecrated remains of the hayloft, the roof and all the sinister bones of children stockpiled in the rafters too. Chaos paced and snarled among the flames, circling the two of them, uncertain of how best to kill the demon that had his master trapped. “Mine won’t do you any good,” Nemesis said, voice razored shrapnel, torn at the edges with prideful malice, relentless fear. “It’s rotten to the core.”

But they very quickly develop uhhh. a one-of-a-kind friendship that might also border on something else.

“You know what,” Nemesis said, his headache beginning to return, “I think you should try.” “Try what?” Judge asked. “Putting that thing in your mouth.” Judge snorted, stepping forward as if he actually meant to do just that. And the rooster’s head fell right off.

For context, they're talking about a magical rooster. Anyways. SO JUDGE AND NEMESIS are two idiots who kind of ran into each other through a mix of chance, dumb luck, fate, and the fact that yeah, Judge did, in fact, eat Nemesis's mother. He's a demon that got summoned by her that wants to devour the heart of the mythical living city he's had his eyes on for about two hundred years. Only problem? No one's ever found the heart before. Thankfully, Nemesis is a True Witch, which means he has a one-of-a-kind power that lets him see the history of anything he touches. If they work together, they might just have a chance at finding something no one else ever has - and doing it before October 31st, when Nemesis's curse will kill him. Judge promises to use the power that eating such a powerful magical artifact will give him in order to break Nemesis's curse, and they strike up a transactional deal that way. However, they're incredibly vulnerable and impactful foils for each other, because both of them are trying to save themselves from really horrible fates, and feel horribly, terribly alone in the hostile worlds they've been born into. For both of them, they're truly, ultimately the first person ever to like...be wholly in each other's court. Nemesis has never had anyone to step up to the plate for him before, and neither has Judge. They're both incredibly fucked up individuals on their own who have a lot of trauma, a lot of secrets, and a lot of negative ways of reacting to the world as a result. But at the end of the day, both of them have been deeply and overwhelmingly failed by the world. Nemesis and Judge both react to outstretched arms with the feral energy of dogs that have been hit too many times, baring their fangs even while their tails wag like a plea. They want connection. They're desperate for connection. But they've been hurt and betrayed one too many times to trust that they'll ever get it from someone else.

The transactional aspect of their deal eventually begins to bleed into genuine care for each other, especially as more truths come to light about their histories. Nemesis learns to care about someone else, and Judge does the same. The thing about Nemesis too is that he's been in survival mode for literally his entire life. He's spent the last decade in his own court, trying to save his own life, thinking only of himself, and Judge is the first person who ever shows up and goes to bat for him and makes Nemesis want to be selfless and want to save someone other than himself.

There's also this painfully personal aspect to both of them where both Judge and Nemesis are too stubborn to give up, despite the parts of them that plead and beg to just be done. To lay down and give up and let it be over, let themselves lose the war. Despite his fangs and his anger and his caustic attitude, Nemesis is built on hope. He runs on hope. He's the complete opposite of what you would expect out a hopeful character, but that's literally his driving factor. Hope that he can break his curse. Hope that he can live. Hope that he can continue on to see another day, another week, another month, and fight for that possibility until he can't anymore.

And Judge is kind of like... his well of hope is empty. He's fighting because he knows how to do nothing else. And Nemesis is the one who gives that back to him, and also, in learning to want for someone else's safety and happiness in survival with Judge, teaches Judge how to get back up and keep going too. There's a lot of ways these two mirror and reflect each other, and I can't get into all of it without massive spoilers, but I am obsessed with them. I love them so much.

“Judge—” Nemesis rasped, but the name went nowhere. Abruptly, all at once, Nemesis had no idea what to say. “Do you understand now?” Judge snapped at him, his eyes cutting to Nemesis’s and away again. “Do you get it, Nemesis? I need you just as much as you need me. Because I don’t know what I am. I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know if all of me is here in this body at all! All I know is that the heart in this city might tell me, might show me, and then—then I can—” His voice cracked. “You are not the only one,” he said, “trying to save your own life.”

Thank you for coming to my TED talk I AM EMO ABOUT THESE KIDS

[sh00kspeared]

ooohh tell me more about Orien!! I just started BG3 recently also so welcome to the club lol

Ahhh thank you so much for being interested in him, and glad to see another new BG3 fan!! ♥️♥️

He’s not fully fleshed out yet, but rn I’ve got a few things— he’s a tiefling named Orienes who changed his name to Orien after setting sail with a band of pirates when he got into a financial bind in his late teens.

Funny story, I was recently in a play production of treasure island, where I played both Billy Bones and then later a generic pirate after Billy’s death scene. To help develop my character, I decided my pirate would be named Orien and was the son of Billy Bones who defected from his family and joined Long John’s crew. Since closing night was recently and I was sad to have to give up my character, I decided to immortalize him and turn him into my BG3 character, so a lot of his backstory is inspired by treasure island.

That being said, he spent his time burgling on the high seas. He lost all sight in his left eye after being given a magical artefact by a man he’d made enemies with years ago, which cursed him with blindness. (Inspired somewhat by the black spot from treasure island). He was able to destroy the item before his right eye was affected but began wearing an eye patch after his left eye grew pitch black and started spreading a magical ‘infection’ to the rest of his face and to the side of his neck. Luckily it didn’t continue growing and hasn’t seemed to have done much besides destroying his vision and causing the occasional dull throb in his head. Here’s a picture of the curse:

He later lost partial sight in his right eye after being slashed during a swordfight and now has trouble with his peripheral vision as well as being somewhat nearsighted. This is why he tends to favor stealth, ranged attacks, and magic— especially magic— he calls upon magical forces which help him tune into his non-visual senses, which allow him to still fight well despite his disability.

Orien’s crew broke up after the whole lot were captured by a rival band of human pirates who wholeheartedly believed that tieflings were devil spawns. They tortured him for three days; broke both of his horns and cut off the tip of his tail— before they could continue their torture, though, he managed to break free and decided to give up piracy once and for all, unable to deal with the trauma any longer. (Blind eye and broken horn visible here; still trying to get mods figured out which is why his eye curse isn’t visible in the pic and why only one of his horns is broken).

Flash forward to the events of the game. His past has greatly influenced his current beliefs and behavior. While he does harbor some internal bitterness toward humans due to many humans’ hatred of his kind, he’s also vowed to himself to never wreak violence on someone solely for who they are (though he does have a tendency to be defensive of tieflings in particular). He has no problem with stealing and killing, but does have a soft spot for children and animals.

Now, this man is so touch starved that he starts crushing on Astarion simply because he secretly loved how intimate the experience of having his blood get drunk for the first time felt, but eventually he started to actually fall in love and became enthralled by Astarion’s charm and flamboyancy.

I’m not far enough along to know much more, but I’m really loving Orien so far and am super excited to start Astarion’s romance lmao.

(More pics. And again, mods are wonky which is why both of his horns are intact in the last pic).

[ash-and-books]

Rating: 3/5

Book Blurb:

Step into your witchy power or be swallowed by the curse– the choice is yours.

A queer, feminist spin on Stephen King’s The Mist, this ode to female-rage is a perfect pick for fans of She Is a Haunting, and a reminder that if "boys will be boys", girls will fight back. For high school senior Nell and her friends, a vacation house on a private Florida island sounds like the makings of a dream spring break. But Nell brings secrets with her—secrets that fuse with the island's tragic history, trapping them all with a curse that surrounds the island in a toxic, vengeful mist and the surrounding waters with an unseen, devouring beast. Getting out alive means risking her friendships, her sanity, and even her own life. In order to save herself and her friends, Nell will have to face memories she'd rather leave behind, reveal the horrific truth behind the encounter that changed her life one year ago, and face the shadow that's haunted her since childhood. 

Easier said than done.

But when Nell's friends reveal that they each brought secrets of their own, a solution even more dangerous than the curse begins to take shape.

Reading like a YA feminist spin on Stephen King’s The Mist, So Witches We Became is a diverse, queer horror about female friendship, the emotional aftermath of surviving assault, and how to find power in the shadows of your past.

Review:

The Mist but make it a story about female rage and teaching boys that there are consequences to their actions. Nell and her friends decide to go on a trip for their senior year of high school, it was just suppose to be the three girls and one of their brothers on a private island for the perfect spring break. Nell has a secret though... a secret that mixes in with the island's tragic history... and creates a vengeful mist that will devour people. Nell has been going through a lot and when a certain uninvited boy and his friend crash the vacation trip... Nell's trauma is awakened and so is the monster within in. Her already fragile friend group will have to see if they can endure Nell's secrets and what truly happened to her as they try to also escape the island in one piece. This was a quick and easy read but it definitely deals with sexual assault and heavier topics. Nell is going through a lot and just trying to keep her friends together while also just surviving the incident that traumatized her. Yet when the sole cause of her trauma appears before... maybe it's time to get even and time to show him that "boys just being boys" is not an excuse and that there will be hell to pay. This was an easy read and I think if you enjoy horror with a bit of heart and some female rage, I'd definitely recommend it for you. It felt a bit like The Mist mixed in with The Craft!

Release Date: July 23,2024

Publication/Blog: Ash and Books (ash-and-books.tumblr.com)

*Thanks Netgalley and Little, Brown Books for Young Readers for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*

[queen-scribbles]

bound, break, skin for Jaaide and maybe also AJ?

Ohoho, these two are both excellent for these questions. :3

bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?

Jaaide was imprisoned by the Castellan Restraints(inflicted by her own people :) ), and then there's the five years in carbonite thanks to Arcann, and briefly, technically, captured by Heta's forces on Ruhnuk. The Castellan Restraints left mental scars after she reconditioned herself, there haven't been any long term effects from the carbonite, but she did deal with nausea for a while immediately after Lana freed her(and sometimes forgets how old she is bc those 5 years feel like they "don't count"; she has to do the "What year is it? And I was born in...? Making me...." math). Nothing even short term from the Ruhnuk one bc of how fast Rass saved her neck.

AJ was captured by Murphy in book 1, wriggled herself free before running into Unit Bravo, and she has a deep-seated fear of being retrained now, as well as the bite scars on the side of her neck. (Also some lingering trauma from watching him beat Nate unconscious. No, knowing about vampire superhealing--and that Nate's is extra good--does not help)

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

Jaaide it's one of two things: either failing at her long-term goal of bringing down the Empire and seeing that everything she's spent a decade working and sacrificing toward that end was for nothing or losing Theron. Whether that's death-type losing Theron or she says/does something that makes him turn on her for real. There was a taste of the latter during the Fractured Alliances arc; she takes insomniac workaholic to a whole new level, is half a step from a complete non-functioning wreck. Theron's seen her at her lowest bc.... well, he didn't put her there but he def rubbed salt in the wound. Her lowest was post-Onslaught, when a whole bunch of civilians died bc she said the wrong thing and didn't talk Darth Krovos out of bombing Corellia. Add Theron yelling at her for something she already felt massively guilty over(one of their only real fights. :)))) ) and that was probably the lowest she's gotten.

AJ it would be failing to protect someone, especially someone she cares about a lot. She felt horribly guilty when Bobby got sick in b2 and she kinda loathes him; if something horrible happened to, say, Nate or Felix or her mum in a scenario where it's even 3% possible for her to blame herself, she's gonna break down. Lots of tears, streaky red face bc she's an ugly crier, either self-imposed exile bc she just gets people hurt OR driving herself unreasonably hard to set it right. Like, we're talking almost-killing-herself hard. Adam needs to have a talk with her hard. Her lowest point so far is when she was crying over the missing posters in b3, so no one saw her, but she called Nate, so he heard her, if that counts.

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

They're both pretty comfortable in their skin. You could say Jaaide grapples with what she knows she's capable of; the rage that tore Vinn Atrius to (figurative) shreds for trying to kill Theron, the manipulation that's turned people against their own families, but she knows just bc she's capable of those things doesn't mean she's going to use them.

AJ doesn't have anything(yet? there are some hints for book 4 that are 👀), and I don't think either of them's truly had to face the worst version of themselves yet. And I don't think AJ would be able to acknowledge it without facing it. She knows she's not perfect, but idk how she'd handle the absolute worst version of herself.

Not So Nice Asks