#while I get sicker
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Being chronically ill sucks yearning sucks and being broke!
#ugh.#UGH.#!!!#I wish I had my own space again#to decorate and be merry in#whateverrrr I'm sleepy#I talk to my obgyn next week and tell him apparently ! the cysts grew 22% in 2 weeks 2 months ago#I will ask him again to reach out the the specialist#I feel a bit dismissed in how serious this all is#I ugh IDK#in the grand scheme of things#3 months isn't the end of the world to wait for a doctors appointment#but that is 3 months of getting sicker#with no income#or ability to work#becoming more and more isolated#while my family continues to grow frusterated with me for things heavily beyond my control#there's only so much I can do while this sick#while I get sicker#and the things I can do with this energy all have to be health related#the biggest outside of the endometriosis#is traumatizing and expensive#like how am I supposed to take care of teeth when I have no money#I'm scared to even make the dentist appointment! it's so bad#I'm sure I can petition my insurance for coverage as it's THAT BAD#idk even when I tell doctors about my teeth and they say going to a dental school is cheaper#like guyssss guysssss I have $15 in cash to my name right now#I need multiple thousand dollars of work....
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Team “Catherine Todd deserves the world and a nuanced limited series that explores poverty and the broken American healthcare system”
#my art#catherine todd#jason todd#baby jason protection squad#back at it again with my catherine n baby jason content#Batman#bruce wayne#like I like to think that Catherine also had a chronic illness/disability as well and#because of how awful the healthcare system is couldn’t manage her symptoms well since post 18 didn’t have insurance consistently#and as she got older and sicker she couldn’t get on disability while married#and may not have gotten on Medicare or some other program a couple months before dying#like she’s got a kid to take care of she HAD to make money#Jason was her priority and maybe she wasn’t perfect but she loved him damnit#I have a lot of feelings about Catherine Todd ok???#dc comics
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Shavean finds out that Maia is showing favor to Arbelan by taking dinner with her, so she ingratiates herself to the emperor and requests that he takes private meals with her as well. Then Shavean takes advantage of the opportunity to start slowly poisoning him so that the court (and Maia) will think that he's taken ill and died of natural causes and she can put her son on the throne.
#fics im gonna write lol#maia drazhar#my fics#rereading the book 2 days after finishing it 🤭#the goblin emperor#look i just think it'd be neat if his edocherai fussed over him incessantly while he gets sicker and sicker#and shavean manipulates him in yhe background#plus dazhis betraying him depressed the hell out of me#uuuuuh#spelling this is gonna be physically painful
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How does one adequately explain to USAmericans that their entire political apparatus is solidly in the grip of what they would call "Nazis"? That their donation posts are basically just leaving supplies outside of Auschwitz for the emaciated inmates to look at while they're gassed to death (and they're starting to hate us for it)? That all Israel has to do now to kill all 2 million of them is to fuck off and let them die of injuries, dehydration and starvation (there's very little food, water and medical supplies left), but they won't do that because they're having too much fun blowing shit up? That the longer it goes on, the closer it gets to exploding into an entire regional conflagration of war? Which will precipitate an oil crisis that will make everyone nostalgic for the one in 1973 that collapsed the global economy, leading the US and UK to go up in flames by next year?
Oh and the rest of us in the global South are going to starve too?
Don't forget Biden has auctioned off the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska to an unprecedented fracking project forecasted to tip the earth over the edge of climate collapse. And they're definitely going to do it because WAR and OIL CRISIS. (Also Rishi Sunak something something oil regulations, I forget, it's really bad.)
I really want someone to tell me this is just doomerism, but there's something fatalistic about trying to explain what a genocide looks like to the only people in the imperial core that can do something about it, except they can only visualise it as people with swastika armbands herding people into gas chambers. And the fact that they've been infighting on the internet so long that they no longer know how to connect with generational movements that know how to organise.
When we said liberalism was going to kill us all, we meant it quite literally and specifically.
#but i'm just an unemployed girl in one of the poorest countries in the world#wondering whether I'll be able to keep both myself and my cats alive if I get any sicker#posting while staring at the wall#israel palestine war#tw genocide#tw holocaust#capitalism#fascism#us politics#uk politics#knee of huss#genocide joe#fuck joe biden#white liberals
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Fellas, is it gay to run a fever? Why are you red? Oh, you've elevated your body temperature to kill all the little dudes inside you? Why're there so many of them in there? The rituals are so intricate-
*i sneeze too hard and pass out*
#gang im sicker than ive been in a while#it sucks so much ass bc i took time off to hang out with my buddies for halloween#and instead im just quarantining#didnt even get a fever w covid#the fuck#sick posting
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what websites do people even use for art hosting anymore it seems like every site that was good for that has just gone down da drain, or has ridiculous restrictions. im not using the new twitter2.0 but what is there...
#havent used instagram in over a year cause it sucks. only used twitter for a little while a few years ago and it sucks#deviantart loses another 40% of its userbase every 6 months. this site isnt any better. idk whats going on with fa#im not even actively making art really but man i just wanna put my drawings somewhere#i feel i keep failing at art no matter what i do and i just get sicker and sicker and have to keep relearning it#so idk. i wanna share my art but its just never gonna be good or at least its never gonna stay good it feels#got distracted watching a goku amv hes so cool. he never had to deal with websites...#i feel the only art i was ever good at was ceramics which i feel i wont be able to do for years again#god im just miserable. my plan in life was to work at/ for a ceramic studio and i got to do it for years and i loved it#but im too disabled to do it anymore. so even if i found one that was hiring i wouldnt be able to do it anyways#like. there IS a studio nearby-ish. and its beautiful. and you can volunteer at it#but im too mentally ill to go there cause its around where i grew up so its this whole huge area of ___ that makes me dry heave and pass out#and i dont think thats something i can realistically overcome in the next few months just to play with clay. california fucking sucks#i see why all the musicians from sacramento are miserable and insane#aaaand rant over
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we're gonna put our rats up for adoption at the animal rescue. things are. bad. we can't keep their cage clean. grayson gets exhausted taking them out to play and i rarely join bc i just feel empty or disgusted or i start sobbing or wind up in pain or exhausted myself. so they don't get the amount of human interaction they deserve/need.
i feel awful about it. i feel sick. i don't know the last time i've felt like such an abject failure. not just as a person responsible for small lives but as a partner. grayson gets such joy from these boys, and they are so sweet to us too. i just. i can't even take care of myself. it isn't fair. it's not fair.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#the wild brunch#matty's mental health#i'm genuinely not okay. about any of this. about anything happening.#but the rats specifically are a real no-win scenario.#either 1) we pull the bandaid off & give them to the rescue. a clean (ish) break#we know they'll be fostered & adopted by ppl who will not just love them but will actually be able to take care of them#and they'll live out the rest of their lives with other rats who they'll get to know now while they're still middle-aged. & other people.#or 2) we keep them but continue the current plan to have them be our last batch of rats. they live in a habitat that we can't keep clean.#we're both wracked with guilt about this all the time. we keep exhausting ourselves doing what we can to keep things out of crisis mode#grayson gets to keep playing with them. i get to keep being miserable and More guilty every time i *don't* play with them#or just plain miserable every time i do#eventually they get older and their health goes downhill. one of them dies. i have a mental breakdown just like every other time#we rehome the other two. it's harder bc they're older and sicker and they miss their brother.#but they live out the (much less) rest of their lives with other rats. & other people.#in both scenarios we stop having rats. grayson is devastated either soon or later bc no more pets#while i'm wracked with guilt bc i feel very very very responsible for us not having rats anymore. and also devastated#bc i am. well. goodbyes are very bad for me.#which is why i feel responsible lmao bc last year i had like 4 straight months of ceaseless sobbing from all the back to back pet deaths#and i was like Listen. grayson. i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i can't keep having short-lived pets like this bc each death#feels like i'm being stabbed in the lungs over and over.#i guess technically option 3 is we keep having rats. we get another batch & introduce them. no rat off-ramp.#i just. keep getting stabbed in the lungs as they die. and we keep not being able to take care of them properly.#hey i didn't say it was a *good* option. but it is an option#pet death cw#idk how to tag the lungs metaphor.#injury cw#?
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Tumblr exclusive pic of my brothers Christmas present! Really the only thing I’ve been able to knit on this past week, oof. I’m pretty proud of how it turned out. Only my second time doing color work, but by the end of this holiday season I’m gonna be pretty savvy at it, cause I’m also making color work hats for my other brother and my dad lmao.
@thoseeyeslikefire @absentviolet @kyloreno-911
#very much so#dakota knits#knitting#no other knitting and crochet news sadly I have been very sick#oh I guess I did finish the heel of my other sock! so I did do that but other wise. nothin#uhhh honestly?? you ever been sick and then get a little better and go ‘whoa. I was so much sicker then I realized while I was sick?’#cause that is what happened this time oof
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Adults stop telling kids how much "adulthood sucks" challenge. You might be jealous and nostalgic but you never know which one of those kids *already* has an awful life and can't stand the thought of things getting any worse
Btw, if you are that kid, it doesn't get worse. Adulthood actually gets much better, don't let assholes scare you
#end the idea that kids cant have hard lives please#i was constantly told this growing up and sparing the censorship? it actually made me suicidal#'oh theyre too young to be suicidal/depressed/etc' i know several people who were suicidal at like 8#i was still being told stuff likd this when i was 13 and older#like 'haha enjoy it while it lasts' and my 13 y/o ass is like 'thanks i will literally kill myself :3'#BUT then it actually got better. i turned 18 moved states away from my abusive parents got some of the healthcare i needed#i was sleeping on friends floors and sicker than ever but it was the best my life had ever been#so yeah i know this is usually meant as just a light hearted joke most of the time#but please consider how that will come across to others#its how i feel when an older person tells me my chronic pain will get worse with age and to 'just wait! hah then youll know real pain'#like thanks i do not think i can take anymore! :')#basically moral of the story is just dont assume that everyone elses lives will go the way yours did
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When Khare's mutation advances to the point that it can no longer be hidden, she will straight up vanish off the face of the earth, quitting her job at Pauli's Diner with a quick phonecall before abandoning her apartment in the dead of night. Everything she owns will be left behind in a hurry, other than the few items that could identify her which will promptly be destroyed and dumped into Gotham Bay before she heads deep into the sewers, only daring to venture out on rare occasions for the things she needs until she can no longer pretend she's even human.
#🌈 || musings#body horror tw#body horror cw#This is pretty much what'll happen at some point asdfghjkl#Barring she somehow obtains a cure or her body is able to regain genetic stability#She'll get sicker and sicker as the mutation advances and THEN it'll start looking obvious#Hair falling out in clumps as eyes begin sprouting on her face#At that point she'll just quit Pauli's Diner and disappear#Won't go back into the wilderness though#She'll head somewhere deep where few can find her#Scribbling away in her journal until she forgets how to write#:x#Just a thought that popped into mind while at work tonight#Because Khare can't hide her mutation forever#Right now it's only affecting injuries and the main core of her body but#Sooner or later it'll start showing on her face and that's it#Fucking Gollum-ass bitch creeping out during the middle of the night all covered up to hide her fucked-up J'avo looks#Feeling a teensy bit better let's see what I can do on my day off in the morning
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i find it super fitting that as a spontaneus person who thrives by living in the moment and who is at her best when she acts instead of thinks, my mental illness has to do with depression, thinking too much, and trying to control shit. its like im cursed
#if i was a fictional character everyone would nod their head in immediate understanding reaching this point in the story#its about the Conflict. its about the Drama.#the very same thing thats the antithesis to my nature is actively making me sicker#while being the symptom of my notwellbeing#and i cant fucking get rid of it#daily life thingies#framed like this it sounds a lot more fun!!
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having a very normal time thinking about how i'm weird & intense to other people
this is why ive gotten bitter in the past at people being like ew who wants to be normal bc like. fucking me actually
like ultimately i probably wouldn't change who i am but it's hard man. i wish i could turn it down a bit
#it me#it doesn't help that i've put on a ton of weight and i'm living in a cabin on my friends property#while other people are out there achieving things#thinking about how other people will see me is getting to me#particularly when its people in the field that i want to work in if i ever get well enough to work#i told my old superviser that i got my masters and she was delighted which was lovely but then she asked what my findings were#i don't fucking know bc i haven't been well enough to find them :(#i feel like a failure#i haven't made the progress in 2023 that i really thought i was going to ... yet again I started to work on my project and then got sicker#and didn't end up getting anywhere#i have got a bit physically stronger and i might have found a lead on how to address my overwhelming insomnia issue#but ive had too many hopes that haven't worked out to actually feel hopeful#sigh
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i know I'M the one choosing to gif fwwm but :( the heartbreak in even just doing gifs. especially bc i gotta get the scene with laura in the front yard and that is heart-wrenching
#my babygirl. laura :(#it's a gutting scene. every time. every time i rewatch the whole movie i feel like. sicker watching that scene#been a while since i rewatched the movie anyway -- i usually do it after i get through s2 and i haven't gotten through s2 in a rewatch in#a while. not bc i stop or anything but bc i usually rewatch peaks when i go to bed and then forget to continue s2......#i should sit down to rewatch it anyway....
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#i dont know if its drinking alcohol or just actually hanging out with people that puts me in such a pessimist mood lately#even if i had a good time#everything is hopeless. im just going to get sicker and sicker while i watch everyone leave again and its not like i can do anything#its just.a fact#i dont want to be perceived anymore even if i try not to be a burden i just keep being a nuisance to people#stop asking where i am so i can get picked up. stop asking if im okay because i seemed a little out of it for a sec#stop asking if i arrived safely. who. cares.#if i want to wait for the bus or walk 40 min until i get home all at 2am who fucking cares#nothings going to happen to me. i dont care#im just gonna keep disappointing people. why do you people even get disappointed? you should be used to it now#haunted.txt
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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enjoy the last bit of normal qrow activities before I die for three months and come back as if nothing happened
#oofxmas completely consumes me every year#I black out and suddenly it's been three months and I was busting my ass prepping drafting getting sicker than a mf#oh and ofc producing the best pieces of art i possibly can once a year lmao#i literally apologized to my bf because I'm gonna be working so hard on oofxmas while we're on holiday together lol
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