#which took way longer than it should have

[lucy90712]

Finding out you’re pregnant

A/n: Happy new year guys. As promised for the new year this is the start of a pregnancy mini series. New parts will be out when I can get them done hope you enjoy ~ Lucy 

Gavi: 

Over the past week or so I haven't been feeling right I've felt nauseous most days and just overall not myself. I have also missed my period which only really points to one thing but I don't want to believe it. Pablo and I are still so young sure we've been together for nearly 3 years now but having kids isn't something we've talked about much. We both want them but it was always an in the future thing so for it to maybe be happening now has me panicking. I know I should take a test to find out for sure but I'm scared because once I know the result it becomes real and if I'm pregnant I have to tell Pablo. 

Today though I feel like I can't put it off anymore I have to find out and deal with the consequences whatever they are. I can't do it alone though so I went out and got a test as Mikky is coming over with Miles and I figured she'd be a good person to have around when I find out as she's been through it all. When she arrived I told her how I'd been feeling and my plan and she was encouraging me straight away telling me that everything would be fine. After I took the test she waited with me and even looked at the result first as I was too scared even though I already knew what it would be. Once my suspicions were confirmed and I knew I was pregnant the conversation turned to how to tell Pablo, Mikky suggested doing something simple like just giving him the test in a box so that's what we set up. 

When Pablo finally got home Mikky left leaving just the two of us. Being alone with him I felt so nervous I mean what is he going to think he doesn't often get mad at me but I can see this being one of the rare times he does. Surely he doesn't want to be tied down by a baby when his career is just starting out I know he wants to enjoy being young but I don't know if he can do that for much longer. 

"Are you ok you've been extra quiet ever since I got home" Pablo said 

"I'm fine but I have something for you" I said handing him the box 

"You're pregnant" he whispered clearly shocked 

"Yeah I am and I know we said we weren't ready for kids so I'm sorry and I get if you want nothing to do with me now" I rambled

"Hey it's ok I'm actually really excited we're starting our own family sure it's sooner than I imagined but I can't wait to see this baby grow" he said giving me a kiss which made me feel a lot better 

Pedri: 

Pedri and I have talked about having kids. Starting a family is something we both want but neither of us are quite ready yet or at least we weren't but now we might have to be. I've been feeling quite sick the last few days and straight away my mind went to the day Pedri and I weren't as careful as we usually are which of course has come back to haunt us. I wanted to ignore it and at least wait for my period to be late but Pedri wanted to know now and I'm not going to say no. 

To find out we needed a test as I don't keep them on hand as we are always careful so I don't keep tests for emergencies but maybe I should. Pedri wanted to come in the store with me but he also didn't want us to be seen and for someone to put our business all over social media. So it was just me who went in wearing sunglasses and a mask so no one recognised me either. It was so nerve wracking buying the test especially when the cashier wished me luck I felt like a teenager sneaking around behind their parents back. On the drive home Pedri held my hand the entire way trying to help calm me down which was a sweet gesture but it didn't really help. 

Back in the comfort of our own home I went straight to the downstairs bathroom to take the test. Pedri stood with me as we waited the 5 minutes for the results his arms were around my waist and my head rested on his chest as I thought about what the result might mean for us. It all feels like a lot but having Pedri there made me feel a lot better as it felt like we were truly in this together. The timer I set scared the both of us as we were in our own little world but quickly we were brought back to reality. As I went to flip the test my hands were shaking so Pedri put his hand on top of mine and we flipped the test together. Two very obvious lines stared back at us both which I thought would make me feel nervous but I was actually overwhelmed with excitement. 

"I can't believe it I'm actually so excited" Pedri said 

"Me too I thought I'd be more scared but I'm actually so happy" I said 

"Clearly we were ready to take this step and just needed the push to realise it" he said 

Jude: 

Jude has always said he doesn't want kids and I was on board with that as having kids isn't something I've ever been crazy about. It isn't something I ever ruled out completely as you know people can change their minds but in my mind that was at least 5-10 years in the future if ever. Recently though I've just felt off like somethings not right so when my period was a few days late my mind went straight to the worst case scenario. Any normal person would probably tell their partner and they would figure it out together but I'm terrified to tell Jude in case he leaves me as he has made it very clear multiple times that having kids isn't something he wants. 

This fear is exactly why I went and got a test and took it on my own without anyone knowing. I could've talked to one of my friends but I didn't want anyone to possibly let it slip to Jude as I need to be the one to tell him. Of course the result was exactly as I feared it would be I was very much pregnant. I cried for hours after I found out as I knew I had to tell Jude and deal with whatever the consequences will be which will probably end with me doing this alone when Jude ultimately decides to leave me. Realistically I should've told him that day to get it over with but I couldn't handle it mentally so I put it off. 

It has now been over a week and I am still hiding this big secret from Jude, I have wanted to tell him I really have but the right moment hasn't come up yet. He is starting to get a bit suspicious though as he keeps asking me if I'm ok and giving me weird looks when I say I'm fine. As I've waited so long I've built up this moment so much that I'm so scared for it to actually happen. 

"Hi love how are you?" Jude asked as he arrived home from training 

"I'm good how was your day?" I asked back 

"What's up with you I can tell you are keeping something from me please just tell me what it is whatever's wrong we can figure it out together" he nearly begged 

"Please don't be mad but I'm pregnant" I finally blurted out 

"Wow that's not what I was expecting" he said 

"I'm sorry just please don't leave me" I cried 

"I'm not going to leave you I promise I just wasn't expecting that I know I said I didn't want kids but for some reason I feel different with you I'm ready to step up and for us to do this together I'm actually kind of excited" he said 

"I love you" was all I managed to say 

"I love you more" he said 

Joao: 

Joao and I have been together for a few years and engaged for a year now and after moving to London we had a discussion about our future together and ultimately we decided that both of us were ready to take the next step and start a family. Even though we said we were ready we agreed that we didn't want to rush the process at least not right now so we wanted to take a more casual approach. I stopped taking my birth control but I haven't been tracking my cycle or doing anything special as I'm under the impression that it will happen when it happens. 

Over the past few weeks I've been feeling really ill I just have no energy and I have been feeling nauseous most days. To start with I just got on with my life as I thought it was just a little cold or something but as time has gone on and I've not got any better I realised it must be something more. Joao made me call off work the past few days to rest and see if that makes me feel any better but that hasn't helped either. After another day of barely leaving our bed Joao suggested I take a pregnancy test just to be sure as then if it's not that he will definitely make me go to the doctors. 

Luckily I have pregnancy tests in the bathroom for situations like this so Joao helped me out of bed and I took the test with him waiting for me right outside. I sat the test on my bedside table and we just waited. Joao had me sat in his lap on the edge of the bed stroking my hair but we sat in silence while I thought about whether I could actually be pregnant. It hasn't been long at all since I stopped taking my birth control and I didn't think it would happen this quickly but if it did that would be really exciting. The 5 minute timer Joao set passed rather quickly and suddenly it was time to learn if our lives will be changed forever or if I'm just really run down. 

"I'm pregnant" I said not quite believing what the test in my hand read

"I can't believe it who knew it would happen so quickly" Joao said 

"I know we haven't even been trying properly" I said 

"At least we know why you have been feeling so awful now" Joao laughed 

Ruben: 

Ruben and I have been trying for a baby for almost a year now. To start with we were trying more casually but then I started tracking my cycle and we did things properly but that didn't work either. We have tried every tip and trick and still no positive pregnancy test. There has been times that I've had symptoms like nausea and I've even been late on my period a few times but still every month I'm greeted with a negative test. It's been hard as I want nothing more than to start a family with Ruben and I just feel so useless that I can't get pregnant like every other woman I know can. 

Again this month I've had some symptoms like being extra tired and not liking food I usually love but I don't want to get my hopes up as I've been in this position before and only been let down. It's always difficult not to get a bit excited at the prospect of finally being pregnant but I don't think I can handle another disappointment at least not night now. The amount of times I have wanted to just give up have only increased especially recently, this whole process is just making me feel awful and I don't know if it is worth it especially right now. 

Ruben wants me to take a test again and I can see why but I've been putting it off to avoid the disappointment. I promised him that today I would take a test but we agreed that if it was negative that we'd take a break from trying and I wouldn't take another test for a while just to protect my mental health. Of course Ruben came back from training super excited but I just can't get myself to feel the same way. Despite that I still took the test and just gave it to Ruben as I simply don't want to see the one line I've become accustomed to seeing. 

"I-it's positive" Ruben chocked out a few minutes later 

"What?" I questioned 

"It's positive we're going to have a baby" Ruben said handing me the test so I could see for myself 

He wasn't wrong there was two clear lines on the test. Neither of us could stop the tears from flowing as Ruben picked me up and spun me round which made me feel quite sick but I couldn’t care less I was just so happy this nightmare has finally ended with the result we wanted. 

[taffywabbit]

oops i accidentally wrote a review for zelda II: the adventure of link

(originally posted to Cohost on Feb 22, 2024. you can ignore this if you want, i just wanted it archived somewhere before that site disappears)

Finally beat Zelda II for the first time last night (I forced myself to finish it before starting Splatoon 3's Side Order DLC, because I knew if I didn't push through to the end of the Great Palace THIS time then it'd be years before I tried beating it again. This is probably my 4th or 5th attempt at this point). Not that this is a particularly hot take by most people's standards, but I don't think it's all that good, at least from a gameplay standpoint.

I don't regret playing it though, because I think I'm finally able to put my finger on the stuff I actually disliked about it vs the stuff that was honestly fine, or even (very rarely) actually good? I'm kinda fascinated by it, honestly. Sequels where they immediately screw around with the first game's formula (to mixed results) are neat! FE Gaiden is another example that comes to mind (hey they should give Zelda II the Shadows of Valentia treatment, that could be really cool actually).

Obviously Zelda II has a reputation for being kind of a rough experience. It's an NES game, and NES games are often susceptible to being frustrating, buggy, hard to control, or overly punishing. Sometimes, all of the above! And for what it's worth, the original Legend of Zelda was a tough and sometimes very cryptic experience as well. But I feel like the two games are challenging in drastically different ways, and I think TLoZ ended up being the formula that was retained in the long term primarily because its method of challenging the player overall did a better job of inspiring curiosity and exploration. Despite narratively being a direct sequel (with a really badass story premise that is unfortunately not really conveyed at all in-game) Zelda II took a different approach to nearly every element of the original's gameplay, which is a pretty bold move I suppose. Whether or not it succeeds at anything is fairly subjective, but it's undeniably had a lasting impact on the series, as well as the people who grew up with it (and then they went on to make some really excellent mid-2000's flash games inspired by it that I frankly enjoyed a lot more than this... and also a weirdly solid licensed Adventure Time game on the 3DS? I should go back and play that sometime, it's really fun).

Where to start with this...? Uhhh, the EXP-based leveling system where you choose what stats to put your points into is interesting! It creates a risk-and-reward system for fighting enemies instead of avoiding them, whereas in most other Zelda games besides BotW/TotK, the only reward for killing monsters is "they are no longer bothering you while you solve puzzles, and also sometimes they drop rupees/hearts/ammo". It also introduces a bit more player choice in what areas you'd like to get stronger in first, which is cool! I just wish it actually mattered in a way that let you feel powerful for even a moment. Instead, leveling Life (which is functionally just defense) is never enough to actually make you feel like you can afford to take a hit - the expectation seems to be that leveling Attack, Life, and Magic is something you do purely to keep up with how badly every single thing in this game wants to stomp you into the ground and soak up a million hits and waste all your magic. You CAN skip out on leveling one stat to prioritize another, or even try to evade tough combat situations entirely, but if you aren't leveled enough and in the exact things the game expects you to be WHEN it expects you to be, you'll immediately bump into some new asshole who jumps out of nowhere and can cut you down in 2-3 hits. Leveling doesn't make you tangibly stronger, it merely keeps the game barely playable.

This actually ends up being the core problem I have with Zelda II's design, far more than just the combat being clunky and overly punishing or the levels being visually samey and super hard to navigate. In most Zelda games (and also in a lot of other RPGs!), you get a better sword or a new power or item, and it opens up exciting new options for both exploration and combat. In Zelda II, you level up or earn a new item/spell, it's useful for maybe 20-30 minutes, and then it's immediately nullified. Wow, you got the Fire spell! Now you can finally deal with Tektites and Basilisks (which are immune to all other attacks) on the way to the next area! Well, I hope you had fun with that, because Fire doesn't work on most things you run into afterwards.

Easily the biggest game-changer is when you unlock the Downward Thrust sword technique, and finally have another option for combat besides just crouch-hopping and poking monsters with a dull butter knife. It's satisfying to use, it looks cool (by this game's standards), and it even has some utility for crossing hazards or defending yourself against swooping enemies! Cool! Unfortunately, they don't let you play around with that for long either, before nearly every enemy you see starts rolling up with helmets or shells that make them immune to attacks from above, and you never really get anything like that again (the Upward Thrust exists later, but it's far more situational and frankly not very fun or intuitive to use). Rather than feeling like you're being given tools to overcome challenges and stay above the difficulty curve, it feels like you're constantly just slightly underequipped for everything (even if you grind to earn extra stat levels) and any edge you're given is swiftly taken away from you. (Except the Reflect spell, which is ALWAYS a banger after you get it because it makes your shield Actually Do Its Damn Job after nearly every enemy starts shooting projectiles you can't block. Good work, Reflect spell.)

I feel like I grew up hearing plenty of people talk about the overall difficulty of Zelda II, though most of the complaints about its puzzles were surface-level jabs about the short cryptic NPC text, and none of that prepared me for just how ridiculously obtuse its mandatory puzzles/secrets can be. I genuinely have no idea how anyone would EVER find the Life spell - pretty much your ONLY source of healing outside of towns, since there are no hearts to pick up in this game - without some kind of guide. I was FURIOUS when I finally looked up where to find that lady's mirror and discovered that you have to walk into one of the houses, go over to the table that looks EXACTLY like every other table in every other house in the entirety of Hyrule, crouch, and press B, and you'll just pull the mirror out of nowhere. This type of interaction does not exist ANYWHERE else in the game and there's no in-game hint to indicate that you should try this. Absolutely maddening.

This and its predecessor are both games that seemingly expect you to have the physical manual on hand to help you find secrets, but at least in the first game, the way the game was designed was consistent enough that you COULD feasibly find your way to the end of it without a guide. Bombable walls in dungeons always being located in the center, things like that. It had rules and it could generally be trusted to follow them. Zelda II, in comparison, has a final level (the Great Palace) in which there are numerous rooms that look IDENTICAL and if you make one wrong turn you can go through the entire [very difficult and dangerous] dungeon on a path parallel to the one you need to be on, only to hit a dead end and be able to see the spot you're supposed to be reaching on the other side of a wall. Except you would also never KNOW you need to get there, because it looks like another dead end full of monsters but there's actually a completely invisible hole somewhere in the floor over there that drops you into the hallway leading towards the final boss. Also there is no map. TLoZ had a map. I don't know why this game doesn't have a map. Possibly because if you try to look up maps online, most of the dungeons feature non-Euclidean spaces? Idk, even a Super Metroid-style grid map would've done wonders here.

The combat is... fine? I truly don't understand how anyone thinks it's GREAT though. Zelda II is kind of like a version of Castlevania where you don't have a whip and instead have to stab everything at extremely short range, and also sometimes enemies have shields so you have to crouch sometimes to stop them from blocking you. It feels tense and high-stakes but only because, as I mentioned earlier, you really cannot afford to take stray hits in this game. Most enemies chew through your health at an alarming rate, even with the Shield spell active, and there's almost no way to replenish it unless you use a Life spell (which costs a huge chunk of your magic, possibly softlocking you if you end up in a place that requires other spells to progress). I got better at the combat over the course of my playthrough, but I never felt like I got good at it - most of my victories against strong enemies felt like pure luck and there were rarely consistent strategies for success. All of this combined with the fact that Zelda II has limited lives (and I mean LIMITED - there are only six 1-UPs in the entire game, which can each only be collected once) and getting a Game Over anywhere outside of the final palace will send you all the way back to the starting area, and it makes for an incredibly stressful experience. Even making use of savestates to lighten the fear of death can only do so much to improve it.

Overall, I think that Zelda II is a game that has a lot of really promising ideas, but then just absolutely flops when it comes to the execution. I didn't have a better way of organizing these but here are a few examples of elements I DID particularly like, even if they didn't always stick the landing:

I like the idea of the RPG leveling system in theory, but wish it was more empowering in practice and actually let the player make meaningful choices instead of just being required to survive. Choosing to hold off on a Life upgrade and instead save up just a little longer to boost your Attack feels awesome, until you time one of your inputs wrong and get destroyed. In a game with better-tuned difficulty and combat, this system would be great!

I REALLY like that Zelda II introduced a magic system to the series! I think it's cool as hell to have Link learning and casting spells to protect himself, solve puzzles, and exploit enemy weaknesses, instead of relying purely on items. (It's honestly weird to think that a system I associate so strongly with classic Zelda gameplay has only actually showed up in 4 of the games?? I guess you could consider the runes/hand abilities in BotW/TotK to be kind of like modern spells, or the slowly-refilling energy gauge in ALBW to be the most recent iteration of a Magic Meter, but both are highly debatable. Anyways I just think they should let Link shapeshift into a fairy again, that was cool.) But most of the spells in this are fairly situational and your access to magic refills is so limited that you rarely have the freedom to experiment with the spells' secondary functions (hey did you know the Spell spell turns most enemy types into slimes? that's wild. I wish I'd known that sooner).

The overworld functioning like a traditional JRPG, with top-down exploration broken up by semi-random enemy encounters, was something I honestly didn't hate. It's a little weird for Zelda, sure, but I could see it working well to support other systems in a more polished game. Overworld encounters that switch you into a type of gameplay other than turn-based JRPG combat are something I've always been fascinated by!

Anyways, weird game! I'm glad I finally got closure so I could figure out how I personally feel about it, independent of whatever the random youtubers I watched as a teenager thought. And now I never have to play it again :)

[avo-gal]

Varigo villian au lore (pt2?? Ig?)

Soz this took longer than expected lol.

So originally I had two ways for varigo to meet but this is the one I ended up liking more.

Varian

In this au when Rapunzel frees Quirin that was sort of Varian's breaking point bc Quirin didn't survive the Amber. Quirin possibly being alive and things going back to normal was the only hope Varian had left without that he.. lost it to keep it short. Andrew tries to work his way back in and Varian practically freaks out and kills him. Whether it was intentional or not he's still not sure. But a part of him that sick twisted part enjoyed it. So now his mission is to kill all those that cross him and in doing so rise to power. Varian in this au is (for lack of a better word) very insane. He's kinda similar to jinx from arcane? Except less childish. He's like a mix between Jinx and Silco personality wise.

Hugo

Hugo meanwhile is still a thief. He finds the abandoned village of old Corona and decides to raid one of the few remaining houses for any goods. That house was old and messy. The rooms were filled with blueprints, designs, lab equipment, tools, metal, etc. Hugo is fascinated with these designs and is a good engineer. that's when a raven haired boy sees him and initially freaked out and is about to kill him (which he's kinda into cause like damn). But Hugo is able to schmooze his way out of that with a good ol "I hate the rich. You hate the rich. We should kiss- I MEAN build these robots and weapons and take over the kingdom together!" Over the course of about a year (more or less) Varian and Hugo build everything and take over (it actually wasn't too hard). Hugo in this au isn't too different from his regular self. He's more energetic however and isn't afraid to get gorey. He is def a masochist in this au lol. Whilst Varian does constantly give him opportunities to have the same level of power as him Hugo never takes it. One reason is he does want the responsibility another may be that he likes being below Varian.

Varigo

Over all Varigo have a sort of situationship? They'll refer to the other as their partner, boyfriend, fiance, etc. But their relationship is very toxic. I wouldn't say manipulative exactly more power hungry? Or fear fueled? They do care very deeply abt the other (since they are the only ones that care abt the other) and if U hurt one of them the other wouldn't hesitate to kill you. But they often threaten each other physically and emotionally (and not always in a playful way). Hugo on the outside seems like he's only in the relationship for the money and sex and Varian seems like he's only in it for reassurance and weaponry. But they both have common interests and are almost unstoppable when they work as a team. There are a lot of layers to both of them the closest couples I can think of to reference them to is stolitz more so in the earlier seasons and maybe Harley Quinn and the Joker? I'm not very good at explaining their relationship but they are very fun to write lol.

Donella

I haven't given Donella much thought in this au. I think after finding out Hugo has taken over Corona with Varian she tries working with them offering her men and resources.

TTS Cast (may change)

Rapunzel, Cass, Eugene and the others have a sort of rebellion in the snuggly duckling. I haven't thought too much magic hair wise but I think Raps has lost her powers by now so they have a very low chance of winning. The current state of this au is abt a year after Vat7k would have happened.

Someone asked on the last post if I plan on writing a fic for this au.

The answer is not currently no. If I did write a fic for this I would want to have more planned out and there's alot in this au I'm still not sure abt. If it got enough attention or if someone also wanted to write a fic I might do a couple's one shots just to sort of show the characters and how they act in this au. But for now I'm prob just gonna stick with occasionally posting abt it. As I said if it gets enough attention or if I come up with more for the au then I might do something big or post more often abt it.

Okay byeee U guys are amazing make sure U eat today <33

🥗🍟🍕🧁

[lady-merian]

!!!

—The description of the coffee house as a cup of coffee is so vivid and lovely. And the sound… I could just see and hear it!

—I like the impression I get of Alain from such descriptions as “quick as a child playing musical chairs” and “flashed a boyish grin at the professor,” and granted there are going to be earlier descriptions of him that the reader has since this isn’t the first scene between him and Noemie, but for the first I’m reading of him (more or less) this affects how I see him as a generally fun-loving individual with more than a touch of boyish charm—and no small degree of expectation for that charm to smooth his path forward… at least to a degree.

—he’s generous too, as it didn’t seem to cross his mind that Noemie would have to ask who the other cup of coffee is for. Also her guarded excitement was a lot of fun to read! I now want to give her all the good things!

The Blue One leaned forward seriously, mirroring her crossed arms. “I should jolly well hope you didn’t and no, it isn’t the same thing at all. I apologize, Mademoiselle Eve, but like the serpent, I am about to corrupt you.” 

—BEST description of someone introducing someone else to coffee. May not be accurate to everyone’s experience, (my own first taste of black coffee was not too favorable but I was corrupted first with heavily sweetened and creamed drinks. ;-) ) but it just shows how much he enjoys it and that’s what matters in the dialogue. She has the best rejoinder to it though X-D

Love the transition from the burning hot coffee to Noemie working it back around to his name. And the fact that he’s up front about this not being his real name but preferring not go by Lucifer. X-D

“Mm! Ah, now that’s the advantage of taking a lady to coffee. They bring these automatically,” he said with his mouth full like a schoolboy. Which she supposed he might be, still. He dressed like a prentice, but he didn’t talk like one, and the fancy classes usually kept their sons in school longer.

—I like the deductive reasoning as much as the humor here! She’s quick, not likely to be easily fooled. My guess would be that she’s on to something here.

—this might come out weird but I couldn’t think of another way to put it: if this were a Lady and the Tramp kind of thing (sans anything romantic between them) he’d be Lady and she’d be Tramp. He’s in over his head with something here and her street smarts are going to be helpful to him aren’t they? *eyes them curiously*

—and with the hot chocolate he’s really going to corrupt her. ;-)

Alain banged the table with his hand, reached into the pouch at his belt, and spilled a handful of singing silver over the table. “My good man, do your worst. Kill us with sugar. We’ll bless your name as we lie dying.”

—*cackles* I already loved him, this just took that way over the top.

I had such fun reading this, thank you for sharing it!

"The Ungentleman"

Here's a little excerpt from my old wip, The Brilliant Hour. In this scene, young Noemie has had the strangest day of her life after doing a good turn for a stranger. A stranger who seems to have a ridiculous amount of money on him - just the thing she desperately needs to pay off her father's debt before tomorrow's deadline. She's determined to get that money out of him. This determination has so far involved giving him an alibi by pretending he is her juggling partner, going down a chimney in his shirt so she won't spoil her own festival clothes, and getting caught up in a not-technically-breaking-and-entering situation. They've had enough narrow escapes that he is desperate to just sit down and drink some coffee, and steers them in the direction of one of the best places this end of the city: The Ungentleman.

Illustration drawn for me by Laura Hollingsworth, @drawingsworth, 2020

---

The interior of The Ungentleman was rather like a cup of coffee itself. The plaster walls were stained with a deep brown wash, and the roundabout tiled floor was cut from the same warm stone as the city ramparts. The tenor of the room felt just like coffee too – warm and cozy, if a bit too full and sloshing over the edges, perhaps a little bitter with students and amateur politicians clattering the tables with their fists and the rafters with their voices. Noemie surveyed the crowd glumly. She doubted there was a free seat in the place.

But the Blue One was already halfway across the room, swiveling his way between chairs to a table for two near the kitchen door, still wet with rings from someone else’s order. A pudgy man in a professorial gown reached the table at the same moment. He dropped a stack of books on the table territorially. But quick as a child playing musical chairs, the Blue One spun the nearer seat round and leapt into it. He flashed a boyish grin at the professor, who harrumphed, swept the books back into his arm, and departed to search for another place.

Noemie waded to the opposite chair. “Trying to cure my claustrophobia, are you? This place - oof!” 

The kitchen door had nearly slammed her in the shoulder. She veered wildly, then yelped again when she accidentally tilted the chair onto two legs.

The roll-sleeved landlord (was it still a landlord in a coffee house?) hastily apologized and wiped up their spot with a rag. “Sorry, sorry,” he muttered. “Place always fills up during the Night Market week. Folks don’t usually sit at this table.”

The Blue One snapped his fingers airily. “Coffee for two, please.”

“On the double, sir. Oy, Myrtille! Can you go any slower?” He bustled back into the kitchen.

Noemie widened her eyes. “Really?”

The Blue One cocked his head in confusion. “Really? What really?”

“Are you having two cups of coffee?” She hoped not, but it seemed politer to ask.

His eyes danced, and he bullied a laugh into becoming a cough. “You take me for a peculiar chap, don’t you?”

“Hm, I wonder why?”

“Granted. No, of course not. The second cup’s for you. You’re my guest.” Something seemed to strike him. “Have you never tasted coffee?”

Noemie tried not to sound as eager as she felt. “I once drank the cold bottom of a cup somebody had left. Someone else told me later that it’s not the same. I didn’t like it much.”

The Blue One leaned forward seriously, mirroring her crossed arms. “I should jolly well hope you didn’t and no, it isn’t the same thing at all. I apologize, Mademoiselle Eve, but like the serpent, I am about to corrupt you.”

She smiled. “Is that what you’re going to call me? Should I call you Lucifer, then?”

He grinned, and then grimaced, rubbing his split lip. “Well, I should think I look the very devil right now, so you wouldn’t be far wrong. But come on. After what happened back there, we’d best get onto proper names.”

“It’s Noemie Gardeine.”

“Enchanted.”

“And what about you?”

Just then the landlord returned with a tray. Noemie’s eyes shone, reflected in the ceramic sheen of the tapering coffee pot with a curving spout, and reflected again in the twin tin cups. Alongside the coffee tray he also laid a platter of cakes, pastries, and bonbons. Noemie seized the pot and poured immediately. She sighed and wrapped her fingers round the cup. Then she squeaked as they burned. 

 “Don’t take it like that, little greedy-guts!” the Blue One cried. “It’s metal! Wait a minute or two.”

 Noemie crammed her fingertips in her mouth to suck them. “Maybe you should drink it right away.”

He hesitated,  unsure of the joke. “Come again?”

“Should think a devil would prefer it hot. Now, out with it. You were going to tell me your name.”

“Well, technically I wasn’t. I thought you might have forgotten about that. I’m not going to lie about my name  to you, but I’m also not really able to tell you. But as I don’t fancy going by Lucifer, so I’ll give you something to work with. Hm. Alain? That’s the name I’ve been giving at most places on the road here. Would that suit? Even though you know it’s sham?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything about you, Alain, except that you’re rotten at juggling.”

“For all you know I could have had a real knock on the head. I might be the greatest juggler in Morceaux.” Alain popped two bonbons in his mouth, pink and white. He closed his eyes and nearly crumpled  with delight. “Mm! Ah, now that’s the advantage of taking a lady to coffee. They bring these automatically,” he said with his mouth full like a schoolboy. Which she supposed he might be, still. He dressed like a prentice, but he didn’t talk like one, and the fancy classes usually kept their sons in school longer.

“Can you pay for all of these?” Noemie asked, and then, blushing, corrected herself. “I mean, do you want to pay for -”

Alain patted the air dismissively. “Think nothing of it. They’re disgracefully good at counting, these bean grinding publicans. Sharp-eyed too. The law only lets them charge for everything you’ve touched, so mind where you put your fingers. Oh, he’ll try to rack the whole thing up to my account, but I’ll see it out.” He poured a cup one-handed, muttering, “And if you’d had any patience, you’d have let me be a good host and pour for you too.”

“I’m a caravaneer. I know better than to let anybody pour for me.” It came out sharper than she’d intended, but perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing. 

Noemie took up the cup and tapped its sides. Cooler than before. She stuck her tongue out, catlike, to test the temperature. Manageable. She took an enormous, slow gulp of coffee. She swirled it around in her mouth, from one cheek to the other.

Alain propped his chin on his fist. “Initial impressions? Be careful, I’m armed if you insult it.”

She swallowed. “Actually armed?”

“It’s only a knife. For some reason your authorities have less objection to concealed weapons than they do to a good honest sword belt within city walls. But – coffee. Speak.”

She took another tentative sip. “It’s a little like drinking smoke. Very dark. Very…. soft and hard at the same time. I don’t know if I like the taste, but I like – it.”

He piled three different pastries onto a plate, and shoved it towards her along with the milk and sugar bowl. “Right. Then it’s all downhill from here. We'll probably be slaves in the Circle tomorrow, so why not? Come on. I swear I’ve got the money for it. Stuff as much as you can.”

Not much conversation followed. They gobbled down enough for three meals in one, and touched practically every delicacy on the tray to find the best ones. 

When the wild feast began to slow a little – though it never really stopped so long as they were in the coffee house – a thoughtful look came into Noemie’s eyes. “Did you mean it just now when you said ‘slaves?’”

Alain, who was spreading the cream from one pastry into a sort of filling for a sandwich between two other pastries, looked up.  “I suppose I did, in a sense. Not to glower the situation over.”

“But we’re not running away?”

He shrugged. “What choice have we got? I’ve had two run-ins with the guard today. I’m not going to answer a lot of questions at the city gate to top it off."

 She licked a strawberry dribble from her palm. “We don’t have to leave the city. It’s a big place, Morceaux. We could disappear, easy as pie.” She sipped her sugar-silted coffee (the third one) meditatively. “What exactly did you do, that they want you so badly? You didn’t take a girl to a coffee house and then stab her with your secret knife, did you?”

“Quiet.” Alain glanced about furtively. “Vague language. Let’s not make jokes that would make anyone’s ears perk up. All the same, I wonder that you’re only asking about it now.”

It was Noemie’s turn to shrug. “I never travel on my own. And the only way performers stay safe is keepin clear of each others’ secrets. When you’re only together a few days, you sort of chance it that either of you could’ve murdered someone. You get out of the habit of asking.”

 “I didn’t, er,” he chuckled awkwardly, “murder anyone.” The laugh was a trifle too much. There was something forced at the end of it.

Noemie swallowed. A bubble of silence seemed to spring up around their table, even as the crowd went on clattering round them. Something in the way Alain fidgeted his nails back and forth on the table’s rim unnerved her again. Her apprehensions from the alleyway flooded back. 

He went on smiling weakly. “Ha. Well, that came out all wrong.”

“What, you really did murder someone?” She kept her tone light.

He waved exasperatedly, and his tone was even lighter.. “If I had, would I be likely to drop it on you that way?”

“I don’t know. You might be incompetent.” 

 He pushed his cup aside. “Come on. Here’s my handkerchief. Let’s wrap the rest of the cakes up in it and dump the rest into that sack of yours. If the man asks, we’ve eaten them. We need to talk in earnest, and we can’t here.”

Noemie grinned, but her fingers felt stiff as she tied the food up. “I’m not going someplace with you for you to tell me about how you didn’t precisely murder anyone.”

Alain didn’t seem to hear her. “Fellow!” he called. “How much for the whole thing?”

The landlord’s eyes nearly burst out of his head when he saw the empty platters. “Well, you’ve made the calculation easy, sir. All told, comes to –“

“Wait.” Alain threw up his hand, as though he had just thought of something. “Are you licensed for lemonade?”

The landlord looked the more surprised. “Uh, yes. Fresh squeezed this morning.”

“And…” The hope in Alain’s voice was almost pathetic,  “And… and hot chocolate? I haven’t had hot chocolate in nearly three weeks.”

“Well, we don’t serve it regularly, but I could manage to –”

Alain nodded and interrupted, leaning across the crumbs to Noemie. “Do you mind? I know we can’t go on like this. I’ll tell you anything you like. Answer any question. Come perfectly clean. I’ll even tell you my name. It’s just – first – if we go into the palace tomorrow… Well, I don’t know how they feed the entertainers, and as long as we’ve gone and eaten this much…?” 

Noemie laughed despite herself. He was so very earnest and looked exactly like a little boy begging his mother to let him lick the honey spoon. And she could put off being wary just a bit longer. She raised her eyebrows. “I’ve never had hot chocolate either.”

Alain banged the table with his hand, reached into the pouch at his belt, and spilled a handful of singing silver over the table. “My good man, do your worst. Kill us with sugar. We’ll bless your name as we lie dying.”

The landlord hurried off, thoroughly discomfited.

[tiger-in-the-flightdeck]

DC Social Media Part 5

Rent-A-Bat is online and looking for investors!

Prev | Start | Next

[cozy-the-overlord]

Someone tell me to write

[icezeebee]

Noticed that submissions were closed so I’ll just post this. The idea and (y/n) design are from @yanderelinkeduniverse , I also just made it for them.

[babychosen]

i've been denying how i feel (you've been denying what you want)

the line between a work trip and a girls trip quickly blurs as amanda and courtney spend a weekend away word count: 1985

thank you @sage-lights for always believing in me

The few days of Buffer Festival felt like a lifetime to Courtney and Amanda. In the mornings they explored the city and its quaint cafes and picturesque parks, and then in the afternoon and evenings they got to dress up and hit the stage. It was a vacation, even if it wasn’t. Their work trip was becoming a girls trip as time passed and neither of them wanted to admit it.

The magnetic connection between the pair grew stronger as time passed. After they went out on stage during the screening on the first day of the festival, Amanda felt something shift. Courtney’s staring became almost too much to handle and Amanda began to worry the audience would catch onto the invisible tether that had the two of them roped together all night.

After the show and the meet and greet the first night, Amanda was filled with awe, and unexpectedly: passion. At first it felt friendly, like admiration, but it morphed into something Amanda knew she shouldn’t feel. She wanted to feel close to Courtney—needed to, even.

The car radio hummed lowly in the background of their late-night drive through downtown Toronto. Amanda’s eyes were closed for the most part, trying to block out the blinding street lights. With Courtney’s head resting on her shoulder, she was sure she could fall asleep if she let herself doze off.

Amanda came back to consciousness a little when she heard the volume of the radio turn up. She opened her eyes to peer at Kiana in the front seat reaching forward to turn the volume knob, saying something about how much she likes the song. Amanda immediately recognized it as ‘Do I Wanna Know?’ by the Arctic Monkeys. She was familiar with it, but not too familiar. She shut her eyes again, blocking out the lights and listening in.

I’ve dreamt about you nearly every night this week

She felt Courtney shift closer into her side—if getting closer was even possible. Amanda convinced herself it was just a pothole in the road that jostled them around.

Do I wanna know? If this feeling flows both ways?

Courtney placed a hand on top of Amanda’s knee, and Amanda knew there was no pothole that could make a person do that. She wished she had worn anything but a dress and pantyhose, because there was basically no barrier between the warmth of Courtney’s hand and the skin of Amanda’s knee. 

Amanda wasn’t one to pay attention to lyrics, but Courtney’s actions felt in sync with the words. Amanda tuned out the song once again, trying to focus her attention anywhere but on the hand on her leg and Courtney’s uncanny timing.

It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you

There was no room for doubting herself when Amanda felt Courtney move their hand inward on her thigh and squeeze lightly. Amanda inhaled shakingly, hoping the ride would come to an end soon for the sake of her sanity.

She tried not to dwell too much on their car ride, because it would only lead her to making assumptions that she shouldn’t (like letting herself believe Courtney reciprocated her desire for affection).

When they parted ways at their hotel Amanda could still feel the pull between them. She longed to be closer to Courtney and the temptation to walk down the hall and knock on Courtney’s door kept Amanda up all night. She convinced herself to stay put but still replayed the possibilities in her head over and over again until she fell asleep that night.

The second night went a little differently. It was tame…

“Why are you still carrying around one Timbit, Amanda? It’s probably cold and hard by now,” Courtney playfully prodded her.

“It’s a souvenir! Don’t judge me.” Amanda let out a firm huff and crossed her arms over her chest, the lone pastry rattling around in the box in her hand. “Besides, how else will I show people that I won the Great Debate?”

Courtney stared at the glaring sash across Amanda’s chest. “I don’t know, Master Debater… you tell me.” They reached across the elevator and ran a finger along the silky fabric of the sash. Their fingers brushed over Amanda’s stomach lightly and it sent a chill throughout her body. 

Amanda’s knee-jerk reaction was to pull away because she knew it was wrong, but the elevator door opened before her mind even had the time to process the touch.

Courtney pulled their hand away from Amanda and walked out into the hotel hallway as if they hadn’t just caused Amanda’s heart rate to quicken.

“You know, maybe you should keep that Timbit. Take it home, Angela might want it,” Courtney wondered, turning around to face Amanda as they walked backwards towards their hotel rooms. Amanda gave Courtney a toothy grin, because she knew damn well they were right.

Amanda stopped when she reached her room door, and Courtney walked a few steps further to their own.

They exchanged quiet goodnights and Amanda slid her keycard into the door, swiftly turning the handle to open it. Before she could fully step into her room, a voice stopped her: “Hey, we don’t have to check out until later in the morning tomorrow. Wanna watch a movie?”

She took a step back into the hallway and smiled at Courtney. “I thought you would never ask.” 

Courtney slipped their key card into the door, opened it, and then tossed the card at Amanda.

Amanda excused herself to her room to change into something more comfortable for the evening. She slipped into a comfy pair of sweatpants and a hoodie after removing her makeup, and exited her own room. She walked down the hall to Courtney’s, using the keycard they had given her to use to get in without having to knock. Just walking in felt… wrong, but they were close friends—just friends. Amanda pushed the door open to see Courtney already tucked under a blanket on the bed with their own hoodie on.

“Amandaaa,” Courtney drawled, reaching out her arms towards Amanda. “It’s cold. Get under the covers and never get up again.”

Amanda tiptoed to the bed, lifting up the blankets and sliding underneath them. It was already warm and cozy, and Amanda loved it 

“I didn’t realize there was such a tiny list of movies for us to pick from… so, it looks like we can either watch an old western, or a cheesy Hallmark holiday movie. Pick your poison,” Courtney laughed.

“At that point I’d almost rather watch something on one of our phones… I guess a Hallmark movie works. I mean, they can’t all be bad, right?” Amanda asked, wishing for the best.

… until it wasn’t. 

The second night was giving in to temptation. It was throwing caution to the wind because they were in a romantic city and the circumstances felt just right.

Amanda spent the entire movie realizing that her suspicions of Courtney sharing similar feelings towards her were not founded on nothing. 

It started with Courtney cuddling into Amanda’s side, keeping her arms and legs to herself. 

And then they draped a leg over Amanda’s body after a fit of laughter. 

And then an arm, which led to a hand snaking underneath Amanda’s hoodie. (Courtney claimed they were cold, as if the covers over top of them weren’t enough warmth. Amanda didn’t complain.)

Courtney roamed her hand all over Amanda’s torso to places it probably shouldn’t go, but Amanda couldn’t stop her when the heat at her core was ripping her resolve to shreds.

The movie ended and a silence fell over them. Amanda’s hand was on Courtney’s back, gripping lightly at their tank top as the pads of Courtney’s fingers traced the skin below Amanda’s breasts.

The air in the room was heady and suffocating. Amanda couldn’t tell if she was the only one breathing so heavily, but she didn’t care. She knew Courtney could feel the light buck of Amanda’s hips and the squirming under their touch that she just couldn’t quell—the complete, unrestrained desire that she had been feeling all night.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure, Amanda. You feel this, too, don’t you?” Courtney rasped, gesturing between them.

Amanda answered by sucking in her bottom lip and nodding. 

Hearing Courtney say she felt it too was transcendent.

The following morning didn’t feel right. It was a feeling Amanda couldn’t quite put her finger on.

They went for breakfast in the morning, took their coffees to-go and walked around a park for a couple of hours. They marvelled at the leaves changing colours and basked in the cool weather. The pair soaked up every last bit of the city that they could before they had to make their way to the airport and board a flight back to LA.

But the previous night was never brought up. Not at breakfast or at the park. Not in the airport or on the flight home. Not even back at the office, a week after returning.

So now, in the middle of their first shoot week back, Amanda’s beginning to crack under the pressure. She didn’t consider the fact that she would reach her limit—that telling herself to forget it ever happened would become too burdensome to handle.

They’re professionals, so Amanda assumed hiding the tension from their fellow cast members would be a breeze, but people caught on, and soon enough the chatter reached Amanda’s ears one lunch hour. Courtney was well within earshot too, so she knew that they heard it too. Amanda heard something along the lines of ‘Did something happen on their trip?’, though she knew it was with good intentions. She knew this cast was better than stooping low enough to gossip.

At the end of the day, she was determined to talk to Courtney and smooth things over. Apologize if she had to, but hopefully just settle the tension.

After a Smosh Mouth shoot, Amanda pulled her phone out of her back pocket to send a text to Courtney, but was greeted instead by a text from them.

Court 🌻 hey. meet me in the art dept? everyone’s left for the day already

It was short, but Amanda didn’t sense any hostility in the message. She wasn’t surprised to hear from Courtney first, considering how prompt both of them can be.

She made her way to the art department and found the doors almost fully shuttered, but the lights still on. Amanda easily pushed open the door and saw Courtney leaning over the workshop table, nervously fiddling with their thumbs.

“Hi,” Amanda said timidly. She pulled the sliding doors closed and paused in the doorway. “I-”

“I’m sorry, Amanda.” Courtney interrupted, turning around to face her. “I’ve been ignoring you and it’s unfair. I should have told you that I was processing things. Instead I pushed it away and I dealt with it on my own.”

Amanda nodded sympathetically, knowing all too well where they’re coming from. “You could have talked to me—I also could have talked to you,” she admitted.

“Yeah, well, unfortunately we’re both a little dumb.”

“Hey! No, we’re just… navigating uncharted territory. Shit’s hard, Court,” Amanda reasoned.

Courtney nodded with a frown still tugging at the corners of lips. Amanda noticed and opened her arms to welcome them into a hug. Courtney didn’t hesitate to practically fall into Amanda’s embrace.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything-”

“Well, what if I want it to mean something?” Courtney asked, her voice muffled by Amanda’s hair.

Amanda struggled not to let her giddiness show. “Then I-I guess it can mean something.”

Courtney pulled back from the hug. She looked up at Amanda and kept her arms wrapped around her waist. “What do we do about the rumours going around?”

“What they don’t know can’t hurt them.” Amanda smirked, eagerly pulling Courtney in for a kiss.

[stardestroyer81]

Nearly four years ago, long before you could find them just about anywhere, I found a post praising the plague doctor Squishmallow, jokingly calling it 'bingus'. Jokingly— and as a byproduct of being in my plague doctor phase at the time— I quipped that if I ever wound up finding one, I would name it Dr. B. Ingus.

Fast forward to 2024, and not only does the real Dr. B. Ingus now reside on my bed, I've also finally concocted an original design for the brilliant plague doctor turned plushie, largely in part of being invited to a plague doctor community on tumblr! 💜🖤💜

(If you would like to read a brief explanation on how Quincy T. Page's mentor now assumes a plush form, check underneath the cut for a bit of lore!)

Dr. Brenius Hildegard Ingus, better known as 'Doctor B. Ingus' or even simply 'Dr. B.' was once a standard plague doctor... for lack of a better term. Ever since his youth, he knew he wished to pursue a career in tending to patients, and he would make good on this dream once our nation found itself plagued with a contagion most potent... the Everdark Plague.

Brenius spent every waking moment of his corporeal life formulating a cure, though as the years went on, he feared that old age would put an end to his research, effectively doing away with everything he had done to rid of the Everdark Plague. However, Brenius— ever steadfast— made a vow that not even death could stop his heroic efforts.

Somehow, a deal is made, and Brenius' soul is set free from his mortal vessel, allowing him all the time in the world to continue his studies... at the hefty cost of immortality. Ever selfless, he hires a local toy maker to create a new vessel to store his restless soul in; a charming plush toy designed in his likeness. While it takes a while to get used to his new form, Brenius resumes his studies in secrecy as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, now vowing to only speak to plague doctors he trusts with his studies.

Personality-wise, Dr. Brenius is a very well-spoken, considerable and sophisticated man in spite of his now-smaller stature. In his past life, he was quite the fashion aficionado, and collected headgear of all kinds to top off his outfit, his current hat he immortalized himself with being his favorite.

[blujayonthewing]

SUPREMELY frustrating that we found something actually really cool and intriguing and plot relevant in tonight's session but I'm still so constantly preoccupied with whether the DM is going to 100% kill us with sheer poor game design that I barely have enough brainspace left over to even enjoy it

[burnthatbridge]

I truly thought I'd never ever finish this fic but here it is in all its glory:

i'm down on my knees (i wanna take you there) by burnthatbridge E  | 5k | no archive warnings

Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Relationship: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Tags: Glory Hole; Blow Jobs; Getting Together

Summary:

Buck is… a little drunk. So, he honestly thinks, when he first spots it, after stumbling into the stall, clumsily undoing his fly, and taking a very needed leak, that he’s seeing things. It takes him reaching out — with a hand he was already going to wash and probably should doubly do so now — and sticking a finger through it to convince him that the sight hasn’t been fabricated by his inebriated brain. It’s real. It’s a glory hole. His first thought is, huh; his second is, I have got to show Eddie. aka the glory hole fic i cannot believe i wrote

Pictures for the banner from Unsplash.

[moonverc3x]

@startistdoodles pssst hey,,, I really like Prisma and Planet Permafrost (theyre so pretty! both of them!) you should tell me more about Planet Permafrost and/or its inhabitants 👉👈

arrghhghg ice planet mine beloved <3 I would LOVE to live here...

[nanamikiicreations]

Encouragement Ace! I saw @xamaxenta's post about making an Ace standee you can write encouraging words on and so I made my own while I wait for theirs to release! Go follow them to see when they make their cheerleader Ace standee(I can't wait to get one!) PNG below if you want to make your own encouragement Ace!! Tag me if you make one I'd love to see what other's write make him say lol

Link here in case tumblr makes the PNG too crunchy! Also I was trying to make another one for my friend and it got messed up in the lamination machine ToT Ace was too powerful! Here is crunchy Ace

[skatiet]

On Grief and Loneliness (Excerpts From My Journal Since My Dad Died)

content warning: grief, loneliness, family member death, family member illness, suicidal ideation, existential crisis, loss of childhood home, animal death (nothing particularly graphic; just being thorough)

December 26, 2022

One month later… I miss him. That’s all there is to it, really. The immediate trauma of it all–seeing his face every time I close my eyes, hearing myself call out to him–has passed for the most part. Now it just feels like there is this empty space in my life. I keep half expecting to see a text or missed call from him, keep wanting to check in, even though I know he’s not there. Going back home and having him not be there… I try not to think too long or hard about it. It’s been a lot of that lately, just choosing not to think too much about it.

Christmas was low-key. I didn’t feel much of the magic of the holidays. Part of that is just because of getting older, I think. Next year, I want to be more festive. I just want to live life to the fullest to the extent that I can. I know my dad would be proud of me no matter what, so now I just want to make a life that I can be proud of, too.

I’ve had a few moments (or days) of really bad anxiety/depression, feeling like nothing is going right and it’s not worth it to keep trying, but I keep going, still. I am trying to be present and feel things as deeply as I can, especially the good things, and hopefully, I can find a balance between burying my sadness and feeling it to the point where I feel hopeless.

January 14, 2023

Often, grief is found in the little things, just like joy or love. I drink his tea and remember making it for him when he couldn’t do it himself, when standing was too difficult, when I was desperate for him to have something in his stomach. A splash of milk and a spoonful of honey or sometimes sugar. How he said I made it extra sweet. How I was adding as much milk, honey, and sugar as I could get away with, trying to give him as much energy and strength as I could. How he would fall asleep waiting for it to cool. How I had to remind him to drink. Reheating it again and again. The desperation those mugs held. Now, it is warm and comforting.

March 17, 2023

My dad loved Ireland and Boston and the town we lived in (all the places he was from). He loved rock music. He loved hiking. He loved stamps and antiques and magic tricks. He loved pizza and sushi and steak, lobster rolls and burgers and desserts. (He really loved food. He even liked trying vegetarian options and eating them with me.) He loved cats and dogs and owls. He loved people; he saw the good in everyone. He loved my sister and me. And we love him.

March 24, 2023

The wind is loud, and everyone is safe inside their homes, and I am safe, too, but this doesn’t feel like home.

June 14, 2023

It hits me that I’ve lost so much all at once– a family member, a home, so many things that used to be mine. I’ve lived so many places that it feels impossible to settle in, to feel secure. So much of my life has been spent on the outside, always feeling like an afterthought, never a first choice, and I wonder if I’ve ever belonged anywhere.

June 15, 2023

I’m not a holiday person. At some point, I realized that assigning too much meaning to one particular day is a great way to end up disappointed. It doesn’t matter what I think, though. Every calendar will still tell me what I’m meant to be celebrating, or what someone is meant to be celebrating who believes in something I don’t. I don't believe in much, actually. That never felt more true than after my father died. I told my mom I don't believe anything happens to people when they die, that I think they are just gone, and she cried. I don't cry much, either, especially not when other people do. I cry because I’m frustrated, because I’m stressed, because I’m tired. I cried when my dad died, but not as often as I felt I should in the days that followed. I know grief is individual and no way of grieving is right or wrong or normal. That doesn’t make me feel any less alone when my grief isn’t crying, isn’t seeing signs of him or talking to him, because to me, he isn’t there. He is gone. My grief is anger. It’s frustration that I will never see him again. It’s missing him, and it’s aching, and it’s emptiness. It’s a hole in my life where he used to be. It's the time I spent on phone calls now allotted to something else. It’s one less text message to send, one less person to tell stories to. It's the unsettling feeling that my life has already been the best it will ever be, because he will never be in it again. It's listening to songs and looking at photos and feeling something that doesn’t feel like enough. It's wanting to comfort the other people who lost him because they are sadder than I am. It's having regrets about how it all happened and then realizing it’s pointless to feel that way because it’s over. There's no changing any of it, only learning from it. And feeling like nothing matters because everyone I know will die, and I will die, and what’s the point of anything anyway. I'm terrified to forget anything about him. I write down every memory that comes up so I won't lose it. I hold tightly to the things he gave me and the things I have of his. I am halfway waiting for it to hit me, to feel some overwhelming wave of sadness, too late for anyone to understand it, but I also think maybe it will never come.

July 13, 2023

Grief spirals outward. Hope spirals inward. But I don’t want the grief to lessen. It makes me feel real. It makes me feel human.

August 26, 2023

Buyer beware–I don’t believe in ghosts, but the last two owners died in this house, and I know a part of me will live here forever.

September 1, 2023

Four bedrooms. Four names in permanent marker on the workbench in the basement, four letters each. Four cats buried out back by the property line.

December 4, 2023

A year passes, and every change creates a new version of me that he’ll never know, and how different can I become before I’m no longer the person he knew at all?

May 15, 2024

I feel like I’m cursed to forever be running in this race where no matter how hard I try, how fast I move, I will always be in second place (if even that). Never the first choice, never the favorite. They think they know what loneliness is, but they are discussing it with each other while I watch from afar. I can grow and reach and try and try and try, but I will never be enough.

May 19, 2024

How am I supposed to be a grown adult but still have the same feelings as when I was a child? Is this just going to be my entire life, never feeling like anyone actually cares about me? I don’t want to give up on people, but I am so fucking tired of trying and never getting what I want in return.

July 2, 2024

I’ve tried to make it sound pretty, tried to make it sound wise, twisted and turned the words around in my head, but I can only come back to: the only person who ever made me their first choice is dead and gone forever. And I don’t know how to make that sound nice.

[ren1327]

"Dearest Gentle Readers" character list

Here are the characters and roles they have based on the show.

Under the cut as not to clog time-line

.

Violet Bridgerton - Mrs. Bowman (Camp Creteceous)

Anthony, 23 - David "Dave" (Camp Creteceous) A

Benedict, 21 - Brandon "Brand" Bowman (Camp Creteceous, Chaos Theory) A

Colin, 19 - Yasmina "Yaz" Fadoula (Camp Creteceous, Chaos Theory) A

Daphne, 18 - Kenji Kon (Camp Creteceous, Chaos Theory) O

Eloise, 17 - Darius Bowman (Camp Creteceous, Chaos Theory) B

Francesca, 17 - Jessica "Jess" Harding (Telltale's Jurassic Park) O

Gregory, 13 - Maisie Lockwood-Grady (JW: Fallen Kingdom, JW: Dominion) B

Hyacinth, 11 - Kadasha (Battle at Big Rock) A

Portia Featherington - Claire Dearing (JW, JW: Fallen Kingdom, JW: Dominion) A

Prudence, 19 - Zachary "Zach" Mitchell (JW) O

Phillipa, 18 - Grey Mitchell (JW) O

Penelope, 17 - Samantha "Sammy" Gutierrez (Camp Creteceous, Chaos Theory) O

Simon Basset, 21 - Benjamin "Ben" Fitzgerald Pincus (Camp Cretaceous, Chaos Theory) A

Will Modrich - Roxie (Camp Cretaceous) A

Alice Modrich - Kayla Watts (JW: Dominion) A

Madame Delacroix - Mae Turner (Camp Cretaceous) B

Lord Nigel Berbrook - Kash D. Langford (Camp Cretaceous) A

Mrs. Berbrook - Lewis Dodgeson (JP, Camp Cretaceous, JW: Dominion) B

Credessa Cowper, 20 - Sonoya Santos (JW: Dominion) O

Lady Cowper - Zara Young (JW) O

Queen Charlotte - Ian Malcolm (JP, The Lost World, JW: Fallen Kingdom, JW: Dominion) O

King George III - Alan Grant (JP, JP3, JW: Dominion) A

Brimsly - Nick Van Owen (The Lost World) B

Lady Danbury - Ellie Sattler (JP, JP3, JW: Dominion) B

Prince Fredrick - Eric Kirby (JP3) A

Lady Whistledown - Brooklyn (Camp Cretaceous, Chaos Theory) A

Mentions of deceased:

Edmund Bridgerton - Fredrick Bowman (Camp Cretaceous) A

Archibald Featherington - Owen Grady (JW, JW: Fallen Kingdom, Jurassic World: Dominion) A

[ewehen]

heartbreaking succession finale edit