#which to be clear i do not dislike science or math there was a time i wanted to be a phycisit

[ontologic-catgirl]

Because i just had to do finances and look at how much debt im in alleviating my suffering by sharing how kick ass my schedule is for next year block 1:

PHI 220: Philosophy of Identity: Self Gender Race

block 2:

PHI 309: Existentialism

block 3:

THE 267: Stage Make-up

block 4:

MUS 110: Music Theory I

block 5:

REL 128: Topics: Introduction to Biblical Hebrew

block 6: REL 265: Topics: Advanced Biblical Hebrew

block 7:

PHI 306: 19th Century Philosophy: Hegel to Nietzs

block 8:

PHI 215: Topics: Philosophy through Film Adjuncts: Mock trial, LSat prep, health and wellbeing

[autogeneity]

Hi, I was looking into computer science and I wanted to ask you what drew you to it and how you feel about it as a career choice?

I don't think my reasons for getting into it are likely to be very helpful to anyone else because they are very specific to my life at the time and not actually much about computer science at all. Skip to the last section for more relevant things.

But here is my story —

I went into university with a starry-eyed idea of understanding the True Fundamentals of Everything and was majoring in maths, physics, and philosophy. also my brain was broken and I had a very fuckd't relationship to reality as a concept (mega derealisation with substantial perceptual distortions and potentially some delusional features) and some part of me saw this as Deep Philosophical Insight, while another hoped getting The Answers would solve it.

after a year it became apparent that this was probably at least a little silly and not going to happen, and I didn't actually see myself being a professional physicist irl.

additionally, I felt more drawn to doing something with more tangible outcomes in the real world rather than chasing maximum abstraction. I had a growing interest in neuroscience and AI and simulation, but also could maybe see myself becoming a professional mathematician. so I kept the maths and switched the others to computer science and psychology.

I guess the specific CS appeals were: I already knew some programming and had found it basically trivial to learn, so I sort of figured it is probably a good match for my brain. and I like puzzles (actually when I first got to uni all the departments were doing little recruitment speech thingies and the CS department actually gave us puzzles! I somehow imagined this would be representative of literally anything (it is not)). I still find those, like, code challenge type problems a lot of fun though.

the final thing that sealed the deal was the availability of a scholarship for maths+cs major, and the fact that it could provide a backup plan if my academia plans failed.

---

As for how I feel about it — well, my academia plans did fail so I am very glad I had a backup in place. Even if they hadn't gone wrong at the time, it's pretty clear to me now that the many mental health issues I continued to deal with in the time since would have led to me fucking up in academia sooner or later in a way they did not in my job. There is much, much more latitude here.

And it's pretty alright as a job; I'm not ecstatic about it but I don't really mind overall and it is sometimes fun. I actually like bug-fixing, lol — the kind where there's an immediately-obvious mistake and I just gotta correct it is boring but the hunt is fun. In general I dislike the amount of small, tedious tasks where I just gotta do some obvious thing, but I like it when I get to build something more substantive that requires more figuring out. I am somewhat fond of the way the shape of the things feels in my brain (not sure that makes any sense lmao). Albeit there are not really many puzzles. :(

But I'm not intending to stay in my current work. I worked briefly in data science and found it much more engaging. I plan to move towards that and/or stuff in the direction of bioinformatics or scientific computing or computational neuroscience. Which is all still computer science but not. software development.

---

Which is probably the biggest thing I would want to highlight for someone considering computer science. In general working in software development (the most typical career path) is very different to working in computer science. Very often someone interested in the one will not be very happy with the other. I would encourage identifying which is your interest, and seeing what they both actually entail, before pursuing anything.

Because like, if you want a run-of-the-mill programming job, in many places it might be worth considering just doing some sort of bootcamp and projects. The company I work at gets probably like 20% of their graduate hires from that stream. Much cheaper and faster than a degree! Or for various other types of work certifications might be a good approach.

If you like mathy things, you probably want computer science proper. If you like engineering, tiny technical details, performance focus, etc, you probably do want formal education and may want to look at things requiring low-level languages, e.g. embedded software. I think people who like twiddling and configuring enjoy cloud shit? or infrastructure and ops work more generally but I think these days most places that looks like cloud shit. If you like the big picture, modeling, and the human side, you may be interested in systems analysis (I find this Very Shaped tbh but am not up for the human side and honestly don't like making big judgement calls).

Somehow I don't actually know what the people who like everyday application development actually like about it specifically lmao? even though they are surely the majority. But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[abenvs3000w23]

A Life of Ambiguity

When viewing this week's course material and seeing there was no prompt, I had an immediate feeling of uncertainty and stress. I started thinking about why I have this automatic fear when it comes to open-ended assignments, and many other situations in life that are ambigious. This made me wonder if any of my classmates feel the same way so I decided to write this weeks post on the ambiguity and uncertainty of many aspects of life.

Throughout my life, I have found myself to be indecisive. Even small choices about what I want to eat or what I want to do with my free time are difficult for me. The reason for this is my fear that with something so open-ended, I will make the "incorrect" choice. Due to my indecisiveness and lack of passion in the past, the ambiguity of life has been challenging at times. Like many of you, I am still finding myself. Although I have come to terms with not knowing myself entirely, I was not always this way. 

From a young age. I felt pressure from my parents, friends, and teachers through elementary and high school to find myself, find what I'm passionate about, and determine “what I want to be when I grow up.” This pressure continued through my teen and early adult years, with much of the pressure coming from myself. I felt behind as it seemed that all my peers had a plan in life, and I did not. Many of my friends knew what they wanted in their futures. They had the program and university they wanted to attend planned out, had hobbies, and spent time doing things they found enjoyable. At the time, I had not found a sport or hobby that interested me. Due to this uncertainty and the many paths one can take after high school, I decided to do what most of my friends and older sister had done. As it is now clear, I am enrolled at the University of Guelph. I decided to get my Bachelor of Science degree, majoring in biological science. I chose this program because science and math were the only subjects I didn’t dislike in high school. I also discovered that this program is very open regarding selecting courses. This allowed me to be my indecisive self and explore several avenues until I discovered my interests. Throughout my first and second years at the university, I took many diverse courses, including criminal justice, food science, environmental science, botany, genetics, human kinetics, computer science, chemistry and many more. By doing so, I found my passions in botany and many fields of environmental science. I am so grateful I decided to jump into something I was unsure about, as finding these passions through my degree has shaped the person I am today.

Life is full of decision-making, which can be challenging at times, especially when you haven't discovered what you're passionate about. The best part about the ambiguity of life is that you always have other options. It doesn't matter how long it takes someone to find their passions and there's never a single choice in life you can't come back from.

How did you find your passions and hobbies?

As I said, in the past year, I discovered my passion for plants. As I have taken more botany courses and environmental sciences relating to plants, my indoor plant collection has grown. So much so that the room I originally used for my office has become a little indoor greenhouse. If you have been following my blog, you would know that I love photography. I took some photos to share today of my plant collection.

[lauren-jay]

one is distinct from another: me from you, you from them. Out of seven billion people in this world, I am distinct from y'all! No one in this world exists without a purpose. We individuals have a purpose in life. We humans are the best creation of god, and each one is special.

Hi! My name is Lauren Jay Simeon, and I come from a middle-class family in Lubo Sto Ninio Cagayan. Nobody enters this world without the love and support of family and friends. Actually, everything you become is solely due to your family. My father is a well-known Farmer in our neighborhood. My mom is a housewife. My parents taught me the value of time, honesty, hard work, and dedication to a goal.

We are two siblings. My brother is in Manila right now, applying for military duty. Being the youngest is exhausting. Not because I'm the only one who does the housework, but I'm rarely blamed for anything. I am the most responsible of my brothers. Even though I was the youngest, I wanted to guide and care for my siblings.

I am currently studying at the best school in my city which is the St. Paul University Philippines(SPUP). I am presently in class 11th STEM. I feel happy to be a part of this great school with good friends, helpful and loving teachers and sound school administration. Were my learnings in SPUP are vital to where I am leading to? Yes, because thru SPUP, I am able to acquire knowledge that cements my intellectual capabilities and veers my direction into where I should go—to where I belong.

I chose STEM since it is relevant to my college subject and also because I know it is applicable to any type of college subject. We all know that this strand is much more difficult than others, but it also helps our minds progress and prepares us for college life. STEM was the best choice! Reconsidering studying AE or AERONAUTICAL ENGINEERING in college, STEM is the perfect fit as it focuses on the field of science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. These four fields emphasize innovation, problem-solving, and critical thinking.

I have extraordinary skills in some subjects whereas I am very weak in a few. As for my favorite subject, well I would say math because it is challenging, and I can always find new ways to solve problems. I also like the feeling of satisfaction that comes from understanding a difficult concept, or getting a correct answer. I love math because it teaches me on how to think logically and solve problems. It is also a useful tool for communication. Some people find math’s difficult, but I think that it is just a matter of understanding the concepts. Once you understand how something works, it is usually not so difficult.

Every man has flaws, and I am no exception. I am a little lazy in several places that I dislike. I spend a lot of time playing, which is not a good habit, but I try my hardest to conquer my faults. Everyone has a goal in life. Aim or ambition is man's inner aspiration. Without a goal, no man can do anything. As a result, each of us should be very clear about our goals in life.

 I haven't lived much of my life, that’s why it's difficult to imagine my own unique future. There are numerous options available to me. I'm not sure where I'll be going tomorrow or if my mind will alter the next day or the day after. I can only hope that I make reasonable and prudent life decisions. Every decision I make has an impact on my future. I am convinced that I have a bright future and that I am on the right track.

I aspired to be an aeronautical engineer, something I had wanted to do since I was a child. Since high school, I've wanted to become an aerospace engineer. This is mostly because engineering is a tough career that will have a significant impact on the future of the entire human population. The implications of aerospace engineering inspire me to work on spacecraft that will advance humankind, develop increasingly effective propulsion systems, and develop aerospace engineering technology that will enhance life on Earth. But I recognize there are other more measures I must take in order to reach these so-called objectives. This involves finishing college, finding that special someone, and landing the ideal career.

I've realized that I've yet to begin my life; everything up until now has been practice as if I've been in a cage, and it's only now that I'm breaking free and doing things for myself. I need to work really hard to provide my kids a better future so they can concentrate more in school because without education, no one has a future.

Despite the fact that I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I hope that every day is an experience and that my future is filled with adventure and love. All I can do now is concentrate on the present and plan for the future. Just remember what Matthew 6:34 said “So do not be worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own”. My future is determined by my decisions and life experiences, and I am excited to discover what the future has for me.

[emy-loves-you]

The Heat Between Us

This was written for the Sanders Sides Unpopular Ships Challenge, Day 2: Intruality!

Summary: Patton doesn’t like to be touched. But maybe he’d be ok if it was Remus touching him

Pairing: Intruality

Word Count: 2225

Warnings: Severe child neglect, child abuse, drugs, touch starvation, touch repulsion, starvation (Patton has a really bad childhood)

Patton didn’t touch people.

It’s not like he didn’t want to touch people. Well, for a while it wasn’t. When Patton was little, he loved the idea of touch. He would hug his pillows and wrap himself in blankets, pretending that he was getting the bestest hug ever. He would hold his own hand and giggle, imagining that he was shaking someone else’s hand.

He would cry in bed at night, a new bruise on his cheek, wondering why he wasn’t allowed to touch.

Patton wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things. He couldn’t leave his room (“Why do you need to leave? We give you food every day, and you have your own bathroom. You don’t need more, you ungrateful brat!”), he couldn’t ask for more food (“Stop being so greedy! We fed you yesterday! Are you calling me a liar?!”), he couldn’t tell anyone anything. That last rule seemed redundant, since Patton never actually saw anyone, but he followed it anyway.

But the rule that made him sad was the no-touch rule.

Patton didn’t get to actually see people often- only when they remembered to feed him or clean his laundry- but they hated it when Patton touched them. They would scream and yell and hit him until he was begging them to go away. After a while, Patton only associated ‘touch’ with ‘pain.’

When Patton was 10, he was surprised to find someone other than them (he didn’t actually know their names, but he refused to call them his mom and dad) kick open the door. Patton vaguely recognized the thing in their hand as gun-weapon-hurt and whimpered, running to hide in the bathroom. There wasn’t a lock on the bathroom door, but the person seemed to realize that Patton was not happy right now, so they stayed outside and talked to him through the door.

After a while of one-sided talking, Patton was eventually coaxed out of the bathroom. The police officer (Patton had been panicking too much to remember their name) reached out to touch him and he flinched, already wanting to run back to the bathroom. When they asked if he was hurt, Patton shook his head (rule number 3: don’t tell them anything) and asked if they could not touch him.

Patton learned that the people who took care of him were drug dealers, and no one knew that they had a son. They had been arrested a few days ago (his painfully empty stomach agreed with that), and the officer was checking the house for any incriminating evidence when they stumbled upon Patton’s locked door.

They asked Patton a lot of questions, but Patton refused to answer. He might have broken a rule by leaving his room, but he wasn’t going to break the rest of them. And besides, he didn’t trust them with how many times they tried to touch him. They already made him get looked at by a doctor, and he was nearly sobbing in pain by the end of it. Every touch felt like he was on fire, and it hurt almost as much as getting hit.

After that, Patton was sent to some foster homes. Homes, plural, because no one seemed to want Patton for more than a few weeks before sending him back, wanting nothing to do with him. It was probably because Patton wanted nothing to do with them either. He was used to being alone, only seeing people on the cracked TV in his room. So when these people wanted him to talk to them about things he’d never heard, play games that he’d never played before, or even touch him, he didn’t give them smiles and ‘thank yous.’ Instead, he screamed and cried and ran away, finding tiny places to curl up and hide.

Eventually, he was sent to a family that understood that he didn’t want to be touched. Lydia and Samantha Heart were okay with Patton not wanting to be touched. They didn’t force him to spend time with them other than meals (so they knew he was eating enough), but they always offered him a chance to spend time with them, doing whatever he wanted. It was… baffling, to have someone understand, but Patton was happy with it. They started fostering him when he was 13 and fully adopted him when he was almost 15.

Patton eventually became used to his new life. He learned that he loved to draw, since it let him express things that he didn’t know how to write. He liked to draw things that he saw on the cracked TV in his old room, like fairies and princesses. He spent a lot of time hiding away in his room, but now he spends more time out in the living room with his new parents. He liked to call them ‘Madre’ and ‘Momma.’ Madre taught him how to make different desserts and Momma taught him how to knit and crochet. He was struggling to catch up with his ‘school’ work (he didn’t understand why he needed it, he’d never gone to ‘school’ before and most of the work seemed pointless) but they were helping him a lot through homeschooling, with Madre teaching him math and science while Momma taught him history and english.

But even after all of that, Patton didn’t want to be touched. After he started calling them his moms, he tried letting them touch him to make them happy. Casual touches made him flinch, kisses made him hiss, and hugs made him ready to cry. It was painful and he hated it. After a few weeks of trying, his moms let it drop. They weren’t going to force Patton through that. So, Patton never touched anyone. And for a long time, he was fine with that.

But then the Princes moved in next door, and suddenly everything changed.

Mr and Mrs Prince weren’t very interesting, but they were still better than most people Patton had interacted with. Mrs Prince’s smile seemed genuine, and Mr Prince didn’t get upset when Patton didn’t shake his hand. They had two children, a pair of identical twins named Roman and Remus. They were both a year older than Patton, and they went to the local highschool just under a mile away. They were both dramatic and constantly happy, loving to tell stories to anyone who would listen. Some people might say that they were impossible to tell apart, but to Patton they were easy to tell apart (or, more accurately, they were easy to tell apart when they were around Patton).

Patton wasn’t a very big fan of Roman. He was loud, and prideful, and touchy. He liked to yell and draw attention to himself, and Patton hated the second-hand attention he got from hanging out with Roman in public. Roman was also a physically affectionate person, always giving people pats on the back or pulling them into a hug. And while he understood that Patton didn’t like to be touched, physical affection was so natural for Roman that he tended to forget until he was already touching him. That doesn’t mean that Patton disliked Roman, far from it actually. He just preferred it if they weren’t in public together. And have a good amount of distance between them.

Remus was different. He was the quieter twin, for one. He didn’t yell, he didn’t like to draw attention to himself (unless he was messing with Roman), and unlike Roman, Remus understood that the world wasn’t just black and white. Roman’s stories always had a clear hero and villain, where the hero never did wrong and the villain was always irredeemable. But Remus knew that the world didn’t work that way, and the stories he told reflected that. He also understood how much it hurt Patton to be touched, but that he didn’t want people to avoid him like the plague. He always made sure to be as close as physically possible to Patton without touching him, and if he ever needed to touch something near Patton he always told him so they wouldn’t accidentally touch. Other than the one instance where Remus had to push Patton out of the way of a rogue frisbee, they had never touched before. And that was fine. Perfect, even. Until today

Right on the property line between the two houses was a large sycamore tree. Every afternoon, Remus would climb the tall tree and lay amongst its branches as if they were his throne. Patton would always sit at the base of the tree, nestled between its roots. He would look up at the older teen and try to ignore the blush on his cheeks. He was sure by now that he had a crush on Remus, but he would never tell anyone that, especially Remus. After all, who could ever love someone that doesn’t want to be touched?

So every day, Patton would sit under this tree, listening to his crush share his stories. They were dark, and disturbing, usually sad with no concise ending. Most people hated Remus’ stories, so he never told them to anyone outside of Patton. Patton loved his stories. He’d grown up without being taught about empathy or ‘good always triumphs over evil.’ Roman’s stories, like most stories, tended to assume that the audience would naturally emphathize with the characters, which Patton just couldn’t do. Remus knew this, and his stories gave Patton a reason to feel for the characters. They weren’t just random characters that did good because it was the ‘right thing.’ They did it for revenge, or love, or their own selfish goals. And to Patton, it made sense. He understood why he needed to care about these characters, and in a way, it helped him realize why he cared about the teen that came up with them.

One day, Patton was at the bottom of the tree, sketching the afternoon sun while Remus told his story, when the older boy paused. “It looks a lot better from up here.”

Patton frowned, looking up. “What does?”

Remus shrugged. “The sky. The landscape. Everything looks better from up here.” He looked down at Patton and smirked. “Wanna see for yourself?”

Patton blushed and looked away. “But I don’t know how to climb a tree.” He never had a need to climb anything before, and while he could probably climb something like a ladder, there was no way he could climb a tree without help. And ‘help’ meant ‘pull up,’ and that meant ‘touch,’ and Patton did not want to have a panic attack today.

Remus chuckled. “I’ve solved that part. Walk around the tree.” Patton got up and made his way to the back of the tree, where a blue and white rope ladder hung from its branches. “I asked Dad to set it up yesterday while you were at the doctor. Now you can climb the tree with me!”

Patton giggled and hastily climbed the rope ladder, joining Remus up in the tree’s branches. He was right; the sunset was breathtaking from up here. They sat up there for hours just talking about whatever came to mind. Patton loved having these conversations with Remus. He had been trapped alone in that room for so long, with only his thoughts to keep him company. Patton always felt bad after his first foster family told him not to share those thoughts, since they weren’t normal. They were weird, and disturbing, and Patton constantly tried to forget that they ever existed. But with Remus he didn’t have to. With Remus he could say whatever popped up in his mind without fear of being ridiculed. It was nice, and sometimes during these talks Remus would give him a smile that made his entire heart melt.

The sun was setting as they sat next to each other in the tree, laughing and telling fantastical stories. Their shoulders brushed slightly as Remus doubled over with laughter and Patton shuddered at the warmth. Usually the warmth hurt, usually it burned and made him hurt for hours afterwards. But this was different. Now, his heart was warmer than Remus’s touch, and for the first time in years, Patton wanted someone to touch him. Specifically, he wanted Remus to touch him. Remus, the person Patton trusted most in this world.

“Pat?” Patton looked up at Remus, who was still facing the sunset. “I…” He took a deep breath and turned to face Patton. If Patton had been anyone else, he was sure Remus would’ve taken his hand. “I think I love you.”

Patton’s heart both soared and shattered at the same time. “How could you love someone that you can’t touch?”

Remus chuckled. “I would gladly go a thousand years without touching anyone ever again, if it meant I could keep staring at your beautiful face for a few minutes.”

Patton blushed and looked away. Before he could second-guess himself, Patton laid his hand on top of Remus’. It burned, and Patton’s immediate instinct was to pull away, but he didn’t move, relishing in the warmth he felt. “I think I’d like to try. To touch.”

Remus smiled brightly, like Patton had just told him that he’d won a million dollars. “We’ll take it at your pace, okay? Whatever makes you comfortable.”

Patton nodded, looking off at the sunset. “Remus?”

“Yes?”

“I love you too.”

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Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst @whatishappeningrightnow @idont-freaking-know @cute-and-angsty-princess @artsy-enby09 @girl-who-reads @drarrymalecsolangelo @count-woe-laf

[thetiredbiwrites]

And then...

Dad!Tony x Son!Reader

(mentions of Uncle Rhodey)

Anon: // hello can you do angsty tony x Son reader. Tony and reader has strained relationship and they we're not in good terms, Tony prefer Peter than his son but it got change when both of them got kidnapped, they been together for a few days and slowly they reconciled. Soon they got save by the avengers but the Son Reader notice that one kidnapper pulled a weapon to Tony then R save his father, he got shot then Tony is scared to see his son dying. Its up to you the ending. ☺

A/N: Thank you for the Tony request 🤗🤗 Hope this is ok! (I love dad!Tony, I think he’d be so good...even though this fic is on a different note🤔😂)

Warnings: Cliff hanger end. It was getting pretty long and I wanted to upload something before bed (which also means it hasn’t been checked but oh well, I’ll re-read it tomorrow) BUT I do plan on doing a part 2 :)

(Also swearing, just always assume swearing)

Words: 3100+

Tony’s relationship with his son had always been strained. Ever since he was practically dumped on his doorstep at 4 years old.

Tony had no prior knowledge that he has a kid, none of the women he’s been with had ever even told him they were pregnant. But if he was being honest with himself, it didn’t surprise him. With the way he got around it was bound to happen eventually.

He just wished he’d known from the beginning.

Having a 4 year old left in his care with no warning put him in a whole new territory he was completely unprepared for.

A baby gives you time to prepare and are essentially a ‘blank slate’ at birth. A 4 year old has experiences, like and dislikes, routines, a connection to someone who abandons them with a stranger…

At the time, Tony was still a playboy, out at events and travelling a lot. As well as CEO of a company manufacturing weapons for the military. He didn’t have time for a child. To break through recently arisen trust and abandonment issues and build a relationship.

He cared about his son. Always made sure he had everything he needed or wanted, a good education and was in good health. But forming personal, emotional connections can’t be done with money, and Tony could barley cope with his own true emotions.

It quickly became clear that they did not share talents or interest in maths, sciences or mechanics. His son struggled especially with maths and Tony initially really did try to help, finally thinking something was in his element and he could bond.

But elementary (followed by middle and high) maths was so simple and automatic for Tony’s brain that he found it difficult to slow down and explain the process to the young boy.

He hired a tutor in his place.

That’s not to say Tony expected or needed his son to be a genius in the same subjects as him. He didn’t need his son to follow him (or his father) to be worthy of his time. But it would have made it easier.

Instead, his son excelled in English and arts, and was amazing in the kitchen. He loved to write stories, create pictures to accompany them and experimenting with new recipes.

Unfortunately, Tony did not excel in these areas, thus distancing them further.

At least he wasn’t taking after his father though. He didn’t force his son into one path or degrade him. No forcing him to grow up, giving him alcohol at a ridiculously young age or sending him away to be completely alone.

Tony often wondered himself if he’d have taken the path he did if his father hadn’t pushed him. If he’d be the same person without the verbal abuse and constant neglect of his father.

He wasn’t blind to his emotional distance and lack of bond to his son. Or to the connection the boy had to both Rhodey and Pepper. He could see that his son was connect to the two people he trusted the most and he was glad.

When Rhodey was available, being in the air force meant he wasn’t always around, he made sure to take the boy out, go to school events and even read his stories, giving feedback and support.

Pepper made herself available if he ever needed to talk and was always willing to taste test.

Even Happy was around to take him where he needed to go, training in the gym and joke with.

So even if the young boy didn’t have a relationship with his father, he had adults around to support and love him and help him through life.

It didn’t stop him wishing he did have a relationship to his father though.

 While MIA in Afghanistan, Tony realised he wanted to try harder to build a relationship to his nearly teenaged son.

It didn’t happen.

He returned home and completely changed his company, which required a lot of time. His guilt also led in him to putting on that damn suit and trying to save the world.

And then he nearly died from palladium poisoning.

And then New York was attacked by aliens and the avengers were formed.

And then Tony had PTSD; anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares.

And then ‘terrorists’ blew up their house and nearly killed Happy and Pepper.

And then murderous robots.

And then the avengers broke up.

And then Tony worked with the UN to amend the accords and set up more help and cleaning crews. Back to lots of travelling.

And then…

And then… Peter.

It never eased up and his son turned 18.

His son made excuses over the years. He genuinely was busy and obviously struggled with relationships. Maybe he’s just not paternal? You can’t blame someone for trying to save lives either.

Of course he was aware it isn’t all on Tony, he could have tried harder to bond with his father as well.

But then Peter came along.

Scientifically and mathematically gifted Peter.

Superhero Peter.

Enthusiastic, smart and funny 15 year old Peter.

And then Tony had the time.

He made the time.

For Peter.

To talk to him. Help with his homework and superheroing.

Teaching him. Training him.

They spent a lot of time in the workshop and lab.

Tony was always so interested in what Peter had to say. Whether is was about science or mechanics, school, spider-man or even teenage romance.

It came so easily and naturally to Tony.

He had the time.

Even the team had noticed this relationship and dubbed them ‘Iron-Dad and Spider-Son’.

That hurt.

The time he overheard Clint comment, ‘why couldn’t we have had dad-Tony this whole time?’ really stung.

Tony’s been a dad, to a son, the entire time he’s known the avengers.

He didn’t hate Peter though. It’s not his fault and he’s actually perfectly nice. But to see his father so easily bond with another kid in a short time made him realise that he’d never get that father-son relationship.

Tony is paternal. Just not for him.

--

His eyes fluttered open, the ground cold against his face.

Wait, ground? What-

A groan passed his lips as he sat up, pressing a hand to the side of his head where pain radiated.

He blinked the fuzziness from his eyes, trying to remember how he got there, but the last thing he could recall was leaving the Stark Industries event after supporting Pepper.

The room was dull and very basic. With stone walls and floor, no windows, one dim light and two metal framed beds so rusty they would probably break under his weight.

As he glanced back down to the ground, he noticed another body in the room. They were still slumped on the ground and back to him.

Scrambling across the floor, he pushed on the mans shoulder to lay in on his back and see his face.

Dad?

Quickly he checked for a pulse and when he was satisfied with the regular thumping, he moved away, letting out a sigh of relief.

With his back to the wall, arms resting on his bent knees, he waited.

It was only a short while later when Tony began to wake. Groaning and sitting up in the same manner his son had moments earlier.

“Oh God, what the hell-where am I?” He mumbled, clearly unaware he wasn’t alone.

“I was hoping you’d know the answer”

Tony’s head snapped over at the grumbled voice to see his son.

“Y/N. What- what are you doing here?”

“hell if I know. Can’t imagine why anyone would take me. I generally don’t piss people off and I’m neither an Avenger or a tech genius.”

“Maybe they mistook you for me” Tony joke, completely oblivious to his sons disinterested and cold tone.

He shuffled back to lean against the opposite wall as his son scoffed.

“Sorry kid, you got the Stark looks.”

“Yeah, that’s all I got” the young man mumbled, leaning his head back on the wall, closing his eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

Silence fell between them until the door opened.

The two men rose to their feet as two armed guards entered the room, a third following with a tray of unappealing food and bottled water.

Neither Stark was acknowledged as the tray was placed on one of the beds and they turned to leave. They even ignored Tony’s incessant questioning and cocky attitude.

His son stayed silent, taking on of the bottles as he sat back on the floor, still not ready to trust the beds.

“Could they just answer a simple question? They got to have a fucking reason for this.”

“Whatever it is I wish they’d just hurry up with it.”

“What, are you bored? Got places to be?” Tony asked, before taking his seat back on the floor.

“Yes, actually. I have an interview Monday and I’m not ready.”

“An interview? What for?”

“Like you actually care.”

“Hey, that’s not-“ Tony began to object but his son looked over at him and cut him off.

“Unless it’s about Peter or Superhero shit, you don’t want to know. You haven’t magically become interested, you just don’t like the silence and unfortunately I’m the only one here. You never cared about what was actually happening in my life before, why start now?”

Tony stared at his son in shock. It’s hard to make The Tony Stark speechless, but right now he had no words at all.

As his son dropped his head back to the wall, looking away from him, Tony couldn’t take his eyes off his son.

Thoughts ran through his head as he examined his son, becoming aware of how little he really did know.

-When did he get so tall? Not tall-tall though, definitely the Stark gene at work there.

-That suit makes him look so grown up, even if those a-holes took our jackets and shoes. Why did they take our shoes? No. Not important. Focus.

-I care about my son. Come on Tony, think. Something.

-School? Crap, when did I last even read a report card? He’s always aced English. Didn’t he do band? No, shit, that was Peter. Goddamnit, is he right?

“You’re 18.”

“Well done. You want a medal?”

“Is the interview for college?”

His son still didn’t move, wouldn’t even look at him.

“Please, Y/N. I-I know I’ve not really been… present in your life. But I do care about you.”

“Do you?” His eyes burned long repressed anger and Tony prepared himself for everything that was coming. He knew he’d deserve it too.

“You gave up so easily. It was too hard to bond with your idiot son, a shy kid who couldn’t understand simple maths. You’d rather be with women and go to parties, and the company always came first. All you did was throw money at things. For year I was fine with it, you using money to help me. I had more than more. It was clear you struggled with relationships of any kind and I was just dumped on you with no warning. It was fine because I had Rhodey, Pepper and Happy. They were there to talk to, they taught me things and supported me, Rhodey would go to school events whenever he could. I just figured maybe you’re not a paternal person. Then you became Iron Man and started saving the world and I can’t be mad about that.”

Tony stayed silent and watched as his son stood up, running a hand through his hair as he began to pace.

“Then you met Harley and kept in touch with him. You upgraded his garage into a high-tech lab. But he did help you save Pepper and the President so I guess you owed him and I didn’t let it bother me. It wasn’t until Peter came along that I noticed that you are one of the most naturally paternal people I know. You became his father figure, took him in so quickly, bonding immediately. If he needed help, you were there. He wanted to talk, you listened. Whether it’s out being Iron Man and Spider-man, training him, helping him with his school work or just locking yourselves in the workshop for hours building new shit. You’re always there for him. He witters on about some stupid crush for 25 minutes and you hang on every word. But you couldn’t do that for me?! What, did I need to be a genius at maths?! Interested in building extravagant technology?! Would you have noticed me then? You know, you went to Peter’s science show last month but you’ve never been to any of my school events. It was always Rhodey, Pepper and Happy a couple times, or no-one. But never you.”

The young man stared at his father, chest heaving, eyes burning as he held back tears. Yet Tony said nothing. He couldn’t take his eyes off his son. Lips parted and eyes glistening with unshed tears, he just sat, no words coming out.

“Yeah I’m 18 any yeah it’s a college interview. I graduate in a few weeks, Rhodey’s going. I’ve already been accepted to a couple colleges. Only a few months and I can leave.”

He didn’t give Tony a chance to respond as he risked the bed, laying down and facing the wall as he focused on bringing his breathing back to normal.

Behind him, his father watched on as tears fell down his face, guilt taking over his whole being.

Neither of them spoke for the rest of the night. While his son eventually fell asleep, Tony stayed on the floor, thinking through everything his son told him and looking back over the years.

The following morning, two guard came in and took Tony away.

They brought him back a few hours later, unharmed. The younger Stark watched as Tony worried his bottom lip and fussed with his clothes. He noted the troubled look on his father’s face and it was clear that whatever the kidnappers told him wasn’t good at all.

But he remained silent.

Eventually Tony settled, sitting on the floor again. But the two still didn’t speak for a few more hours.

“I’m sorry,” Tony finally broke through the silence and tense atmosphere of the confined space.

His son remained silent but his eyes moved up to look at him. This was enough of an acknowledgement that he was listening and so Tony continued.

“You might not believe that, but I am. I don’t know why it was so hard or why it was so easy with Peter. I didn’t- It wasn’t intentional, I didn’t even realise.”

The young Stark kept his eyes on his father but his face stayed blank and lips sealed.

“And you know, just because maths and science subjects didn’t come naturally to you doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. I’ve never once thought you were. I know the Stark name has become so tied to them, mechanics, advanced technology and engineering… but it doesn’t mean you’re not…good enough? Because you don’t follow that. I never thought you should have been, it didn’t-didn’t disappoint me or anything. But you were always so talented in arts, you wrote the most amazing stories and a complete natural in the kitchen. Things I’m not so great at. It just made it harder for me to figure out how to connect. I didn’t know where to start.”

A small smile flashed across his face, eyes glazed as he recalled the past.

“Y’know, I loved those stories about the uh, the dragons that live on your shoulder. I’d find drawings and paintings of them all over the house, and it was a big house!”

Across from him, his son’s head raised a little higher, eyebrows subtly furrowing and looked at the soft expression on his father’s face. He had no idea Tony even know about those.

“I should have been there, tried harder. There’s no excuse for that. But I have always cared. You were just so talented in things I didn’t understand. Then I saw how close you and Rhodey became and-“

Tony let out a sigh, looking away from his son.

“You were left with me, an egotistical ass and a- a playboy. I didn’t think I deserved you. You deserved someone better. Someone emotionally available and mature. Someone to help you grow into an amazing person and progress your talents. Someone like Rhodey. He deserved you and you him. He was -and is- better for you. You were loved and supported by him, and then Pepper and Happy, so I – I thought you’d be ok. That you wouldn’t need me.”

Once again it was all quiet in the small room. This time Tony wouldn’t look at his son, but he couldn’t take his eyes off his father.

“I did need you.”

His voice was raspy as he admitted this to not only Tony but himself.

“Rhodey’s the best. I love him. Couldn’t have asked for a better Uncle. But that’s what he is; my Uncle. You were supposed to be my Dad. I shouldn’t have had a father figure when my father was right there. You were so cool, before and after becoming Iron Man. You made everything around you seem like fun. I didn’t understand the tech crap but- I’m an artist. I can, and did, design things. It’s not all on you, I didn’t make it easy.”

“You were a kid, it is on me. But, maybe- When we get out of here I’ll do better. I want to be an active part in your life. I also understand if it’s too late though.”

“It’s not. It’ll take time but, I’d like that. Rhodey might get jealous though.”

A huffed laugh slipped past Tony’s lips as they spread into a smile on his face when his son cracked a grin.

They continued to talk into the night, about school, which colleges and courses, friends and dating. Once they started they couldn’t stop.

It is hard to shut up a Stark.

They were laughing about one of Tony’s stories of his time in MIT with Rhodey when an explosion shook the room.

The men stood up and faced the door as the sounds of fighting and yelling grew nearer. A smirk spread on Tony’s face as he recognised the noises of his teammates.

It wasn’t long before the door was broken down and Captain America stood in it’s place.

“Bout damn time. Did you stop for coffee?”

“Yeah, yeah, tin man. You’re welcome.” Hawkeye quipped as they walked down the halls.

Rhodey broke through to get to his nephew’s side, checking him over and ensuring he was ok.

Tony led the group to the main room. The kidnappers had access to files and tech that would be too dangerous to leave.

As Tony wiped everything, quips flowing between him and his teammates, none of them noticed the man sneak in through another door.

The younger Stark moved before his brain could even process what was happening, placing himself between his father and the gun that was raised to his back.

*bang*

[luwupercal]

long post whoops / anyway did u know the twitter chatter over 40k currently is apparently “gw is bad at writing because theyve dug themselves into a hole where they have to keep making the horus heresy more and more convoluted because otherwise theyd have to make the emperor stupid” which is such a baffling take because like. you do know you can interpret fiction differently than the author presents it to you right? like it’s okay you can just call the emperor a fucking idiot it’s entirely true! there was absolutely no way for the emperor to not be a fucking idiot, on a fundamental interpersonal level, because the only people who go out conquering lands are fucking idiots, people. there is absolutely no other take on the emperor that is canon accurate because there is absolutely no other take on the emperor that is reality accurate

Like you can like the emperor as a character or dislike him whatever floats your boat, live your life, but the emperor is a... a weapons-grade Dumb Fuck. like, Entirely Brainless. i don’t know how else to put it. he is an emotionally constipated galactic overlord who thinks the greatest good of humanity will only be achieved through mass amounts of slaughter and the loss of incalculable diversity for the service of an image of humanity, whose most clear depiction, though very very very apocryphal and untrustworthy, makes it clear it’s a series of copies of him. The Emperor has failed in realizing that not everybody has to live like him, and that’s like, the first fucking thing you learn when you become a mature adult, people

Like okay when i say the emperor is a goddamn absolute idiot people laugh at me because they think i mean an idiot with the meaning society has of idiot which like, a lot of times is just a person existing or trying to be funny or whatever. Like the emperor isn’t an idiot because he can’t read or do math or whatever the hell people think stupid means. When i say he is an absolute fucking dunce, a donkey, a goddamn imbecile, what i mean is that regardless of his vast amounts of technical prowess, his fuckin’ endless knowledge of eugenics, his vast amounts of tactical expertise, his absolute mastery at hitting the other guy hard enough for him to not tell you what to say anymore en masse, REGARDLESS of that, the emperor has failed to ever have a coherent logical train in his brain go vroom ONCE in his FUCKING life, unless it was in service of his utter and absolute nonsense. The Emperor is Quixotean in his racism. That is fundamentally what he is all about and what he should be all about if GW was competent at telling a story (which. like. ‘gw is bad at writing’ was a season 1 reveal, people)

Like regardless of math or science or eugenics or laboratories on the moon or cheating to obtain more information and not sharing it, the Emperor has committed the fundamental fucking absolute idiocy of pride, and everything about him can be explained by just gesturing at him and saying “Yeah he thinks he’s all that! Yes we’ve told him it’s physically impossible! No he’s not stopping! Yeah that’s a genocide he’s doing! No he won’t listen! Why? ‘Cause he’s an all-mighty IDIOT!”

Like my god people i thought we already went over this LMAOO

(also i like that the horus heresy is dumb and convoluted and makes no sense once you get to the fine details of it because like. that’s my lived experience man, my life is dumb and convoluted and makes no sense once you get to the fine details of it. it’s a #mood)

[skimblyshanks]

Skimbleshanks

☾ - sleep headcanon

★ - sad headcanon

☆ - happy headcanon

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

■ -  Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

♡ - romantic headcanon

♥ - family headcanon

☮ - friendship headcanon

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

▼ - childhood headcanon

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

☼ - appearance headcanon

ൠ - random headcanon

◉ - Any other question of your choosing

-cracks knuckles- aight here we go

Headcanon meme!

☾ - sleep headcanon

Skimble is very much a crepuscular cat; He will properly settle down to sleep just around sunrise and you will not hope to even possibly stir him until mid-late afternoon. That said his usual waking time is in the evening and if you wake him up too early before that and it's not an emergency he is probably drifting in an out the whole time.

★ - sad headcanon

(for my blanket London/Revival-era hcs): he's one of the few Jellicles whose owners actually got them Fixed and while he's a great tribe dad, loves all his Jellicle babies, wouldn't give them up for anything, he's always mourned that lost opportunity for bio kittens. That said, I think once he had Teazer and Pounce Carbucketty(my main skimblekids) running around in his life, the deeper ache for longterm parenthood has been p well satisfied.

☆ - happy headcanon

As I mentioned above, I think Teazer and Pounce Carbucketty filled a big part of the hole in his heart; they're his babies and i think they're part of why he's such a fun dude like. Lit up his life.

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

Skimble is the longest-standing protector currently in commission. He's definitely fought to kill before. He hated it but he'd do it again.

■ -  Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

I think he's got 2 homes, technically; he primarily lives at Euston Station, with a little hideaway in the stationmaster's office, plus an alcove in one of the ticket stations only a few workers know about. However, he's the Euston stationmaster's family pet, and their family lives on Victoria Grove, so technically Skimble has lived there, too, but primarily only during super inclement weather situations. Teazer lives with Jerrie at that house full-time, meanwhile Pounce Carbucketty lives at Euston with Skimble.

♡ - romantic headcanon

He had a huge old crush on Victor before he died; and he's never gotten over that loss. He's also such a hopeless romantic that he gets so caught up in following an ideal outline of ~romance~ that it's honestly a wonder Jelly/Bustopher/Tugger can put up with him like they do

♥ - family headcanon

He's taken both Teazer and Pounce on the trains with him. Teazer will steal snacks every time, and for the most part Skimble lets it slide as long as he gets a cut. With Pounce, they'll find a spot with a clear view out the window and just. sit/lay down and watch the scenery go by.

He is a tin-type of his mother, which will confuse Gus sometimes the older he gets.

☮ - friendship headcanon

Skimble and Jenny did not get along at all when they first met. They were too similar. Now they are each other's ride-or-die and confidantes.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

I have a half-serious hc that he can work a real sewing machine, as long as someone (usually Pounce or Jelly) is holding down the peddle.

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

He despises head pats. You may pet his neck. You may scritch his ears. You may scratch under his chin. Do Not put your hand on top of his head.

▼ - childhood headcanon

With my human aus (and again, with my "default" London base hcs), he was homeschooled by Gus, while Asparagus jr went to proper school. Skimble can really only read and write, he's hopeless with math and science. He tried to get Asparagus to let him borrow his textbooks and notes, but he never shared >:(

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

As he starts getting to the point where he has no option but to slow down, Pounce Carbucketty starts taking the night rides alone while Skimble waits at Euston, where he'll see him off and welcome him back. Pounce and Teazer both help him maintain his grooming.

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

Allowing for human digestion abilities, he fucking loves pub food. He's not a great cook or an awful cook, he just doesn't do it often. Can probably bake sweets though.

☼ - appearance headcanon

He takes his grooming very seriously. He will get staff's attention if his little sweater vest needs to be cleaned. Presentability is key.

I tend to think of him as a Scottish Fold

ൠ - random headcanon

There's a scottie dog at Carlisle citadel who has 2 adopted pups of his own. They have a frenemy relationship.

◉ - Any other question of your choosing

@whitmerule and I may have poked at an idea where Griz is Pounce's bio mum kind of remembers her but not really, and definitely not positively; it's a good reason for Skimble to dislike Griz/not let kittens around her. Also that poking lead to some past!SkimbleGriz so 👀

[dandylion240]

All off the 100 questions you've not gotteb for who'm you want too ^^

I decided to do something a little different. I wanted to do some character development the kids, Eli, Awan, Jolene, Ezekial, Ephraim. So to answer the questions the kids have been aged up 15 years from where they are now. So there may be spoilers. So if you want to avoid spoilers I'm putting the answers beneath the read more. Hope you enjoy. I almost want to do a BC for one of the kids.

1. How do they present themselves to others?

It depends upon who it is. To his fans Eli presents himself as someone in a rock band. A little dissheveled. Messy hair. Eye makeup. Tight ripped jeans. Basically he goes for the bad boy image.

At home around friends and family he goes for more relaxed and comfy. No makeup. No hair gel. He often doesn't use any hair products when he's not performing which often leads to his hair flopping in his eyes.

6. What is their purpose in the story?

Eli is the first born of Jonah's children. From the start Eli has always been at odds with his father, Ethan. He knows the story of how Jonah ranaway in order to keep him and has always had a special relationship with him. However the same cannot be said for Ethan. After Jonah's kidnapping, Eli blamed Ethan driving a wedge between for several years. If it weren't for Cecil helping him that wedge may have become immovable.

11. Do they have a romantic interest?

Someone who had been a major part of his life until he was ripped away from him without warning. For a time the pain of that separation kept him from opening up and allowing anyone to get close to him.

16. How did they become a character?

He was the lucky one to be born first.

21. What are their hobbies?

When they're not playing or writing music Eli likes to go for long walks to clear his head. He also likes to read fantasy novels.

26. Do they have any survival skills?

Does magic count? Other than that he's really not into the whole living off the land stuff.

31. How do they overcome obstacles?

By hitting them head on. He isn't one to let obstacles deter him from what he wants. If he had he would never have joined a band. There's a lot of obstacles if you want to make it big.

36. How is their family life?

Right now Eli is living the single life traving from town to town on tour. It's hectic and he's looking forward to some down time to spend with his family. He still has a rocky relationship with Ethan.

41. How was their childhood?

It was a bit rocky. He spent a lot of it worrying about Jonah and fearing that he'd be taken again. Out of all the kids that experience effected him the most.

46. When is their birthday?

Eli was born in December, a couple days before Christmas. I had to do math since Jonah got pregnant with him on Prom night his senior year. Side fact Jonah's birthday is in October. So he would have turned 18 a couple months before Eli was born.

51. Do they like science?

Not really. He passed but he didn't apply himself to remembering anything. He was too busy writing lyrics to songs in his journal.

56. Would they die for anyone/anything?

Yes he'd die for his family.

61. Are they comfortable being in a crowed room?

Yes. He prefers not to be but he doesn't always have a choice. Rooms seem to fill up with screaming fans all want to talk and touch him.

66. What is their pet peeve(s)?

He dislikes it when people don't tell him they're leaving.

71. Who do they dislike?

It's a long story but if he had to say who he doesn't like he have to say Awan.

76. What are their goals?

Well he's pretty much accomplished his goals. He has a successful band. He's been on tour more months than he cares to admit. He's ready to go home and relax. Can relaxing be a goal?

81. Do they have any tattoos? If so, are they significant?

Not yet. When he does get a tattoo it will have a deep meaning to it and it'll be the same one that someone else has whill be just as important to him.

86. How do they cope with anger?

When he get's angry his voice drops and his eyes narrow. If the situation continues he'll excuse himself and go to his room and blast some music.

91. Do other characters respect your OC, if so, is it out of fear? Or do they respect your OC because they like them?

For the most part he is respected. The band members respect his ideas and even their manager has learned to respect him. The crazy fans however is a whole other story.

96. Do they have a stash of weapons?

No.

2. Do they like animals?

Awan loves animals. Growing up he never had the opportunity to have a pet. His dad was afraid if he allowed him to have a pet it would become his familiar and any form of magic was forbidden. He had a special bond with his best friends dog and once suggested to Eli that he should make Peaches his familiar. It wasn't until his mom found him and brought him back to Selvadorada that he was allowed to have a pet and yes it did become his familiar.

7. Do they know how to fight?

He knows karate. It was one of the few things his dad allowed him to do and he continued it after going to live with his mom because he liked it.

12. How do they cope with struggles?

Awan has a tendancy of pretending that nothing's wrong preferring to put on a brave face to the outside world while he silently falls apart on the inside.

17. Do they get along with others?

Yes he does although he doesn't seek them out.

22. What are their ticks?

He doesn't really have any ticks. He sometimes pulls on his fingers when he's nervous.

27. Are they more book smart or street smart?

Awan is really more street smart than book. Not that he isn't smart it's just not his focus.

32. When faced with a difficult decision do they get stronger or break?

Awan doesn't break easily. The closest he came to breaking was when his mother came to get him and he wasn't allowed to say goodbye or explain where he was going to his best friend.

37. Are they likable?

For the most he is. The only person who doesn't like him is Eli but there are reasons and maybe one day they'll be able to straighten things out.

42. Are they close with anyone who is going to screw them over?

There's a possibility the answer to this question is yes but to say more would be too spoilery.

47. Are they quick to judge?

No he is not. He's probably one of the least judgemental people you'll ever meet.

52. Are they more emotional or logical?

He's probably more logical than emotional. He kind of had to be otherwise he wouldn't have survived.

57. What do they do when they are happy?

He whistles a song he once heard when he was a kid. It was a song Eli wrote for him so that he play it on the violin when he couldn't come over and it'd be like they were together. It never failed to make him smile then and it still works now.

62. How do they relax?

He used to hate the violin. Now he likes to go out into the jungle and play all the songs he remembered Eli playing when they were kids. He's also learned to play all the songs that Eli's band plays now.

67. Do they have a disability?

Not unless scars are considered a disability. He has a lot of scars on his arms, back and legs. It's why you never see him wearing shorts, short sleeves or going without a shirt on.

72. What is their motto?

When you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine.

77. How do they go about achieving their goals?

Awan's goal is to go back to Brindleton Bay and explain to Eli why he left the way he did. He knows it won't be easy but he won't give up until he does after that than it's up to Eli. But he has to try.

82. Are they good at mental math?

He is. He's good at most math.

87. Have they ever been in a situation where they were helpless?

Yes. When he was a kid and his dad came and took him away. And again when his mother found him and refused to let him say goodbye. Both times made him feel helpless.

92. If they were given minutes to live, what would they do? Who would they want to see and say?

He'd figure out a way to find Eli to tell him how sorry he was for leaving him the way he did.

97. Where do they live? Who do they live with?

He lives in Salvadorada with his mother.

3. How do they dress?

Jolene has an ultra feminine style. She prefers dresses with ruffles and flowers. Although with her work as an archealogist she prefers shorts and crop tops.

8. What is their back story?

Jolene was the only one of her siblings who have a strong bond with their dad, Ethan. It was something that, for a time, distanced her from her older brother Eli. She blindly sides with Ethan not understanding fully what was happening. She just wanted her family the way it was and she was her dad's lil princess.

13. Do they have anyone they can lean on?

Jolene has a large support group. Her dad's are wonderful but for things she's not quite ready to share with them she always goes to her big brother Eli.

18. What flaws do they have?

She doesn't like to be alone. She always wants to be with others, doing stuff. She has a tendancy to annoy others when she refuses to accept no they don't want to go out with her.

23. Do they like children?

She does but she doesn't know if she wants any of her own.

28. How do they get out of a difficult situation?

Batting her pretty eyes until someone volunteers to help her. If that doesn't work then there's always her Dad. Ethan cannot say no to her.

33. Do they have any special powers?

Yes she does. Like everyone else in her family she has a longer lifespans than everyone else. So to her that's not special however she does have the ability to control disease. She can detect when someone is sick and slow down the disease but not cure it. She can also excelerate it if she was so inclined.

38. Are they the hero, or anti-hero?

Probably more hero but it's not something she striving for.

43.How do they adapt to different situations? Do they adapt at all?

Jolene is pretty adaptable. She moves around a lot in her career and in her quest to discover the source of the magical abilities.

48. Do they have anything they are trying to hide from others?

She hides the fact that she has special abilities. It was exciting at first now it's just kind of scary knowing she could adversely affect someone and cause them to die sooner then they would have otherwise if she wasn't careful.

53. How do they deal with their emotions?

By sharing them.

58. How would they come across to other characters? Examples- messy, lazy, childish, caring ect

Dedicated, Driven, Intelligent (big of a know it all) and a little bit annoying.

63. Have they ever harmed anyone and regretted it? Verbally or physically?

Yes. She was still in school and she detected a brain tumor. She thought she'd shrink it down but instead she enlarged it quite rapidly. She'll never forget the agony she caused by one slip of her attention.

68. How do they react to getting flowers?

With loud squeals and giggles and if you're delivering the flowers yourself be prepared for some over enthusiastic hugs too.

73. Do they have any markings on their body?

Not yet. She's thinking about getting a tattoo

78. Do they have a fight or flight response?

She has a fight response. She charges in without thinking especially in verbally defending someone.

83. Do they get along with others?

Most of the time but she does have a tendancy to rub people the wrong way.

88. Are they organized or messy?

She's very organized when she's working but her house is a mess.

93. How do they deal with stress?

Talking to someone about it. She'll call her dad's or her brothers and if they're not available she'll talk to someone she works with.

98. How do they calm themselves down?

Talking to anyone who will listen.

4. How many languages do they know?

Ezekial is very good at learning languages. He has an ear for it. So far he knows English, Japanese, German, Spanish, French, Italian and currently learning Chinese. From a young age he even learned Braile.

9. Why is their name, their name?

Well all the boys were named after the first letter of their father, Ethan. Jonah wanted a less common E name for a boy. However as he gets older he adopts the nickname Zeke.

14. How do they react to someone dying?

Not well. He's very sensitive and depending upon how close they were depends on how long it throws him into depression. He may spend days or weeks moping in his room, crying or writing poems.

19. How do they influence the story?

He's often the target of his twins jokes which sometimes have a bigger impact than Ephy knows.

24. How do they react to being around wild animals?

Hmm other than a few rabbits and squirrels he hasn't run into many wild animals. If he did he'd probably freeze and hope they thought he was dead or something.

29. Do they use their body, mind, personality or force to get what they want?

Probably more their mind. He's fairly quiet and likes to be alone to write in his journal.

34. How do they change throughout the story?

He grows up in story. He'll have a close relationship with Cecil but not as close as his twin. He sometimes feels left out.

39. Do they make questionable choices?

Nope. He's the most cautious of his siblings. He'll research all his options before making a decision making pro/con lists to make sure he's considered all angles.

44. How do they speak? Examples - Are they soft spoken, hot heated, vulgar

Zeke has a very modulated voice that's easy to listen to.

49. Do they act different around different people?

Not really. He's not very socially inclined so he doesn't seek out people.

54. How do they cope with sadness?

He writes poetry like his Grandpa Jackson. True fact: He never read any of his poetry until after he became an adult because Jonah said he needed to be older to appreciate it. Another fact: most of Jackson's poetry was dedicated to the love of his life Riley. They were best sellers but not quite appropriate for under 18.

59. Do they have a phrase they use over and over?

Do it with silence was often a phrase he'd use with his twin. Ephy can't do anything in silence and Zeke prefers silence to noise.

64. Do they like to dance?

It might come as a surprise but he does enjoy dancing, quite a lot actually. He's a much sought after dance partner at school dances.

69. Would they ever wear a flower crown?

I'm sure he could be convinced to wear one if you asked nice enough or were pretty enough 😉

74. Have they ever been abused?

No

79. Is there someone in their life that they care about more than themselves?

At the moment it's his twin brother.

84 Are they lazy?

No. He's really neat and tidy which makes sharing a room with his twin difficult.

89. Can they remember a lot of information at once?

Yes. He has a photographic memory so it's almost impossible for him to forget things he's seen or read.

94. Do they have a more submissive or dominate personality type?

He has a more dominate personality which comes a shock to most people since he's so quiet.

99. Are they co-dependent?

No he is not.

5. How big is their family?

Ephraim has a large family filled with lots of cousins and siblings. He would love to go into detail but won't as he doens't want to give away any spoilers.

10. Do they have any nick names?

Ephy has been his nickname since he was a toddler. He often prefers that over Ephraim. Ephy has special meaning to him. It's the name Cecil gave him.

15. Can you name 5 personality traits they have?

Active - Ephy just can't seem to sit still. He has to be doing something.

Mischevious - he likes to play practical jokes on others. His twin gets the brunt of his jokes.

Playful - he likes to have fun.

Optimistic - it's hard to keep him down. He prefers to see the bright side of things which often gets him into trouble trusting the wrong people.

Disorganized - he never knows where anything is.

20. What do they look like?

See the picture above although that might change by the time he actually grows up in game.

25. If they were given the task to prank someone, who would it be, what would they do, and would the prank work?

His twin of course. He just so easy to prank. His favorite prank was when he made him a dating profile on a 50+ site. It was precious to see Ezekial face turn bright red when he kept getting all these calls and emails from these older women.

30. What music do they enjoy?

He likes all kinds of music. Jonah and Eli's music are in his top favs.

35. Do they have any friends? If so, are they close knit?

Ephy is quite popular in school. Everyone wants to be in the same class as him because it'll be sure to be lively and not quite as boring. Even thought he's popular he feels his best friend is Cecil and his brother.

40. How do they become who they are?

From having parents who love him and older siblings who dote on him. He's just a tad spoiled.

45. Are they opposed to violence?

Very much so. He doesn't even like loud voices. He's more the run and hide than the stand and fight kind person.

50.Do they enjoy the arts?

He likes dancing. He tried playing music but couldn't sit still long enought to get good at it. Paining is boring. Writing is takes too long. Dancing and gymnastics is more active and fun.

55. What is something they care about?

His family. He cares about them deeply even if it's buried beneath jokes.

60. In a crowed room are they in the corners, sides, or in the middle?

Oh he's right out there in the middle of everything. If he's at the party you're going to know it. He's the type to walk into the room and announce the party can now begin.

65. How do they get around their environment? Examples - horses, bike, vehicle

Mostly by bike. He doesn't have his driver's liscense yet.

70. Do they like themselves?

What's not to like? A lot of people assume that he's lacking in self-esteem because of the way he likes to get people to laugh. That has nothing to do with it. It's just the way he is. His great uncle Rory was a famous comedian so making people laugh is in his genetics.

75. What is their biggest fear?

Losing someone they love

80. How would they fair in zombie apocalypse?

Not well. He'd make to much noise and no one would want him in their group because he'd attrack the zombies to them.

85. Are they self motivated?

When he wants to be otherwise no. 90. What is their occupation?

He hasn't decided yet. He thinks he might be fun to be a commedian or maybe an actor. Someone suggested he make a good model so there's that too.

95. Do they have a pet?

They have the family pet, Peaches who is now Jonah's familiar.

100. Are they a day, or night person?

He's more of a day person. At night he's kind of a sluggish.

Ask you own

[missnight0wl]

If you have any problems with me being Rakepick’s fan, me being overly passionate and invested in her character, my analyses and theories about Rakepick or whatever, I have two things to say to you:

If it really bothers you so much that you feel the need to share it with someone, why don’t you come to me? The anonymous messages are on on my blog, at least for now. What’s the deal with people talking about problems they apparently have with me with someone else? And I’m not even talking about the recent reblog. Do you think that I won’t see the messages on other blogs and recognise that it’s about me? Do you think that somebody else can explain my ideas better than I can? If you have problems with my theories or you just want to call them pointless or “reaching”, write to me. Are you worried that I’ll respond with arguments you can’t argue with? Are you afraid I’ll insult you? I never claimed to be the nicest person, but I think I’m not that bad. Sure, I swear a lot, but in the vast majority, it’s aimed at Jam City and their stupid writing decisions. So, what’s the deal with that?

If the things I write make you uncomfortable, bother you, you feel attacked, or you simply dislike the ideas I write about, especially when it comes to Rakepick – please, unfollow or block me. I mean it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that if you don’t like Rakepick you can’t follow me. If you don’t like her, but still find something on my blog you enjoy… I’m kind of surprised, to be honest, but that’s also great. Otherwise, I just don’t see why you shouldn’t remove me from your Tumblr experience. Seriously, I never had the desire to be popular in this fandom or even liked. I’m not saying that I actively want to be disliked, but I’m here just to put my ideas into the world (and because it’s easier to control than Reddit). If someone likes them – fantastic! If not, I don’t need you to see them. I don’t want you to see them if they annoy you.

Also, I apparently insult people who don’t like Rakepick. Now, I never called anyone “stupid” simply because they don’t like her. I never will because that’s not what I think. In fact, I don’t recall ever calling anyone that word in specific, but maybe I’m forgetting something. Either way, the only times when I spoke negatively about people being against Rakepick referred always to situations where they comment on my long-ass analysis and/or theories, totally ignoring what I discussed in the said posts. For example, people talking about Umbridge having a Patronus under my analysis of Rakepick’s symbolism. Situations like that take place because of two possible reasons:

People comment on my posts WITHOUT even reading them. If that’s the case... it’s actually plain stupid. Seriously, I’m not even sorry, it just is. Also, don’t do it, please. Like, EVER. No matter if it’s my post, someone else’s post, if it’s about HPHM, other game, book, movie, politics, science… Just don’t comment on something you didn’t actually read. Even if you think you’re familiar with the topic, if there’s a longer text, there may be some information you didn’t know. If you didn’t put time and effort into familiarizing with something someone else has to say, it’s pretty rude to expect that they’ll waste their time on reading your comment and possibly explaining to you something they already explained.

People did read my post but TOTALLY missed the point. In that case, I’m a bit sorry, but… I also can’t think of you too highly... Again, I’m talking about very specific situations! Like, I’m aware that perhaps I’m not always super clear about everything, but if you talk about Umbridge to debunk my theory after I explained in 800+ words (with quotations to the outside sources) why it’s important that Rakepick’s Patronus is a lioness… Either you have serious problems with reading comprehension or you just weren’t paying attention at all. If it’s the latter, you kind of wasted your time, and now you’re wasting mine.

Now, I don’t want to say that I’m always right in my theories about Rakepick, but here’s another thing: until this day, no one was able to really debunk them. Like, with proper argumentation. I never had anyone come to me and say: “All right, but you’re forgetting about [this and that] which suggests [this and that], and that contradicts your assumption”. Nobody ever said: “The way I understand [this and that] is different. I think it means [this and that] which proves [this and that]”. All people have is: “Rakepick is evil because she tortured Merula and killed Rowan”. But if you come to me with those arguments, I’ll show you other essays I wrote to prove that it’s just not true. Such things happen in the stories, y’know, especially the ones intended to be mysteries stories. And surprisingly, nobody could properly debunk those essays either! But you know what? I’d love to have a discussion like that. I’d love someone to finally explain to me how this story can work WITH Rakepick being evil and WITHOUT leaving dozens of serious plot holes. Believe me, I really tried to make it work, and I failed each time. Things simply… don’t add up. And my main point is that they CAN add up! And I did it: I joined many dots from the very beginning of the game in this analysis: Why Rakepick didn’t appear before Y4? HPHM explained. So, if I’m showing you that 2 + 2 is 4, why you insist that it’s 5 when your only argument is that Jam City is bad at maths?

And if we got to Jam City’s bad writing already… If you think that Rakepick is gonna be truly evil because the writers just don’t know what they’re doing anymore – that’s fine. I mean, I don’t exactly agree with that. I believe that they’ll follow the original plans for the story, they’ll just do a shitty job at explaining things, but that’s a topic for a separate conversation. Still, I’d like you to understand that there’s a difference between saying:

“You’re wrong. 2 + 2 is 5 because JC is bad at maths.”

and

“I see what you’re saying, and you’re right that according to that 2 + 2 is 4, but I think JC is gonna say it’s 5 because they’re bad at maths.”

Do you see it? 

Now, I don’t want to complain here, but... I write long analyses on HPHM for my own pleasure, and it is satisfying for me. However, it doesn’t change the fact that it takes some time and work, so when people actively dismiss it, it feels a bit rude. And if you actually think I’m wrong in saying that 2 + 2 is 4, then explain to me why you think so. Or if you have doubts about my reasoning, send me an ask. I think it happened just once that I got a question like: “Hey, I don’t get one thing about your theory. Could you explain it?”. I’m not talking here about discussions I have with people in reblogs or comments, though those are also brilliant, and I appreciate them. Sometimes people ask about their ideas inspired by my theories. Either way, I have to say – it’s a great feeling to get responses like that. Because it shows that people not only read my posts but that they make them think. And as I said, I might not always explain everything the most clearly despite my efforts. But then just ask me.

That’s pretty much all I wanted to say, I guess. So yeah. If you actually can explain to me why you don’t agree with my views on Rakepick, my inbox is open. It can take me a while to respond because there’s kind of a revolution in my country right now, and y’know, the world is basically burning in general, so my mind might be elsewhere. But I’ll get to it eventually.

[tetrakys]

Sweet Elite - chapter 10

I finally played the episode on both my active accounts, review below the cut.

The episode starts with Scholar reminiscing the Halloween party and finally openly admitting to themselves they have a crush on the person chosen in the previous episode. As you probably remember I’m currently on Tegan’s and Axel’s routes.

Tegan:

Axel:

I... am destined to suffer with this game.

After this realisation we decide that the most important thing is to focus on our studies to be sure we’ll be able to remain at the academy. After studying we go to the cafeteria to have dinner and we find there the person we are in love with, we have a lovely dinner together 

Axel:

They talk about school for a bit

(Babe I forgive you only because you are cute, and also because you are teasing, your file says that math is one of your strengths, so cut the crap. )

Then he talks about him leaving school to go on tour.

(LMAO his face)

(!!!!!!! YES PLEASE!!!! but admit you���d do it because YOU want to see ME day and night 😏)

[...]

Ah! Someone who understands that scholarship students are brighter than the average Arligton student. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out... I mean... someone would have to be veeeeery stupid and close minded to think the opposite... wouldn’t they...  🙄

Funny but... I’m sure we can come up with another form of punishment 😊😏

Tegan:

There’s not much to show about the dinner with Tegan, as I said multiple times until we literally jump on him we’re going to get nowhere with him.

SCHOLAR SHOULD I REMIND YOU THAT YOU’RE IN THE MATH DEPARTMENT TOO?? 

Then he makes his back crack and Scholar gets spooked and they talk about being weird and true to themselves.

I’m a bit sad that in all the cute moments with Tegan you can rarely tell if they are flirty or just friendly. I know they reflect his personality, but it’s disappointing.

At the end of the dinner we agree that we had fun and we should do this again after the exams.

And this is where the episode ends.

......

Okay, no, I’m jooooooooking

This is where most interactions with our crush end and Karol/Neha’s arc begins (still not sure if the arc is only about Karol or both, I’d say both). 

Someone took a picture of scholar hugging Tadashi to console him during his arc and it got viral for some reason, so now Arlington’s sweetheart is again getting attention and the school board has decided to use the free publicity to raise the school’s profile in people’s eyes, so scholar is going to be one of Faxion’s judges. Scholar and Tadashi are called in Lady A’s office to talk about this, but they have to keep the secret until it’s publicly announced.

There is a very funny group chat scene where people try to get information out of Scholar and Tadashi, the picture comes out and we get no reaction from Tegan (he is the one who shares the link, so he might have at least brooded about it for a bit I hope), but we get a small cute scene with Axel

(Also, apparently he’s a dog person. Nice.)

Scholar, my child, could you try to use a bit of this sass with Tegan? You’re gonna die alone if you don’t.

After this, Faxion is announced and Scholar’s role too. You would guess that the smart thing to do is to treat well ALL the people who are going to to judge your work, right? Right? With respect, like any other human being deserves at the very least. But noooo of course not.

I’ve tried really hard to like you Karolina. I really did.

But you are a bitch.

Someone who defines people’s worth by how much money their parents own is even less than stupid. 

She even tries to show she has some higher moral ground respect to another model who is just as an asshole as she is. I can’t see much of a difference between the two.

What’s the difference with Karolina? I see none.

Scholar tries to make peace with Karol and be an impartial judge. We meet the other judges, among them there is a Luis Vuitton knock-off who is apparently friend with lady A and knows things about both Scholar and Neha. They are really fishy. In fact they out Neha as a scholarship student in front of the whole school. This is where things go to shit. Up until this point Neha and Karol where a great team and way ahead of everyone else, but now Karol can barely stand Neha’s sight.

I see how Karol can be hurt that Neha has lied to her all this time, but it doesn’t justify the shitty way she treats her at this point. Also, try at least to be smart and civil until the competition is over instead of actively sabotaging everything because now that you know Neha is not rich her ideas are worth less in your eyes. But no, why be smart when you can be completely stupid.

In all this we also find out that Karol is anorexic, which we suspected since episode 2, and that Neha is in love with her, which we knew since episode 1. We talk to Raquel, Claire, Tegan and Neha about Karol’s eating disorder and the episode ends with the winners about to be announced (Karol and Neha of course) but Karol faints in front of the entire school.

A few comments:

- I appreciate when the writing is solid enough to make the reader see where the plot is going, instead of pulling things out of nowhere for pure shock value. Surprises are good only when they are well planned.

- I also liked that Scholar had an active role. I didn’t expect them being a judge and even if it’s a bit of a stretch I liked seeing that we are not a secondary character in our story. However I’m still turned off by the fact that scholar’s department makes no difference in the story. A scholar in the fashion department can’t be considered the “general population” vote. I know that the excuse for them not being in the competition is that they don’t have a ranking yet, but it makes no sense in my opinion. Even blaming it on the school board is a stretch. But this is not the only instance something like this has happened, a scholar in science needing someone to explain them the science lecture. A scholar in math teaming up with Tegan and Ellie to only end up shopping for computer parts online. I wish these things were better thought.

- I’m calling out whoever in the dev/art/writing team has a CLEAR preference for Neha. She is the only one we can raise the meter this episode. In my gameplays the only one we got a romantic interaction in one of the past episodes. The only one we have an extra solo illustration with. And I assume we have a 1-1 illustration with her here because this is her arc (same as what happened with Tadashi), so I’m expecting a 1-1 illustration with Karol next episode. However I feel the bias for Neha, same as what I felt the last episode with Axel, and no one can change my mind.

- This episode made me dislike Karolina a lot. I assume I should be nicer with her because she has an eating disorder, but her being a bitch has nothing to do with her anorexia. The two things may come from the same issue, her needing to be perfect for whatever reason, and I’m sure we will get a teary explanation at some point that will make me forgive her, but still... she deserves take accountability for her own actions. I hope she looses the award.

- Neha doesn’t deserve to loose, she is talented and works hard, she deserves to find another partner. Don’t worry Neha, there are lots of people who can walk in a straight line in the world, there’s no need to attend an elite school for this. However she is also quite spineless, but there’s still hope for her, I understand why she has been lying all this time if she was trying to build a business in such an elitist world. I hope this serves her as a lecture and she learns to stand up for herself and others when such things happen.

All in all I liked the episode. It’s not perfect but as a character arc episode is thousands times better than Tadashi’s was. I just hope we’ll be done with Karol quickly and move on to better things.

[marsmoonqueen]

Prejudge

Professor!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warning: Nothing I can think of (?) If you find something, send me a message.

Prompt / Summary: Bucky just learned a lesson: You have to ask before you make assumptions. 

Note: So, I learned something with this, Peter’s mom’s maiden name was Fitzpatrick. Also, I wanted to make this one since what feels like forever. Btw, isn’t Sebastian Stan the loveliest? If there is a mistake or something you can totally tell me so we can fix it! :)

2.40 pm

'God be damned, I'll totally be late, again.' Y/n thought as she saw how many slides were left for the class to end.

Usually she wouldn’t mind staying a little longer to finish a class, especially if it was the last of the day; but now, with her nephew Peter under her wing, a lot of things changed, sadly, her school schedule wasn’t one to change.

 At 3.15 pm Dr. Banner let the students go home. He was very passionate about the subject he taught, and Y/n appreciated that a lot… just not at that moment. As fast as she could, she put her laptop, books and bottle of water in her backpack and ran to her car.

 Finally, after what felt like years, she arrived to Peter's school at 3.45 pm. Earlier than the last time at least. Still in the car she set her eyes to the building's main entrance and started to worry when she realized Peter was not there. Rapidly she got out of the car.

'No, no fucking way' 'He knows he is supposed to wait for me here' 'Oh no, where could he be?'

 Before she could start losing her mind somebody cleared their throat. "Excuse me, are you here for Peter Parker?"

Y/n jumped as soon as the woman finished her question. "Yes, yes, I'm here for him! Do you know where he is?"

She could swear that she saw pity in the woman's green eyes "Yes, he is in Professor Barnes' classroom."

Relief washed all over the young girl's body "Awesome, could you lead me there?"

"Yes" the mature woman in front of her looked rather uncomfortable, but Y/n had no mind at that moment to pay attention to that.

 The lady walked her through corridors with open doors at the sides, which made the young doctor self-conscious; all the kids were already home, maybe doing homework or playing, and her nephew was stuck here because she couldn’t arrive at time.

 Before she could start self-destroying herself both women arrived to a corridor with a closed door in its left wall.

“That’s Professor Barnes’ classroom, knock before entering.” And with that the woman turned around and left; leaving an alone Y/n to her devices.

 Without thinking too much, the girl knocked the door twice and waited till a rough voice inside told her to come in. Upon opening the door, her eyes found Peter and she got to her knees and extended her eyes.

 “Kiddo! I finally found you!” As soon as her mouth opened, Peter ran to her arms, and the so called ‘Professor Barnes’ set his eyes on her.

“Y/n!” The kid yelled.

“Bloody hell Peter! I was so worried kid.” She told him, separating from him to put her hands on his shoulders.

“But I’m okay!” He said with a happy smile. “And I already finished homework!”

“That’s awesome dude!” She stroked his hair, then turned to the Professor, who got up from his chair. “Thank you for taking care of him while I was busy Mr.-” She left the sentence incomplete, hoping he would introduce himself. The older man didn’t smile.

“While you were gone you mean.” Any trace of a smile erased from the girl’s face.

“Go-” ‘Gone?’ she wanted to ask.

“Mrs. Parker, a word please” He interrupted her, and before she could tell him that ‘Parker’ wasn’t her last name, but Fitzpatrick, he passed next to her through the door and waited for her outside.

“Pack your things okay?” She tried to smile for the boy, and got up, walking outside the classroom and closing the door behind her.

 “Yes sir? What did you need?” She asked, without her usual smile, but with a polite voice.

“Mrs. Parker, if you didn’t have time for a kid, you shouldn’t have had one” He told her, the roughest voice she had ever heard.

“Come again?” She asked surprised. How could he talk to her like that?

“Look Mrs. Parker, let’s not play pretend, this is the 10th time in this month that you arrive late, today was the 5th  time Peter didn’t have anything to eat at lunch, and the 8th he has fallen asleep at my class, and that’s only talking about my class.” He said, his blue eyes piercing through her soul. She felt bad, but there was little she could do to change what was happening.

 She arrived late because she had classes at the exact same moment Peter got out of school; those three times he went to school without lunch were because they were short of money, or because the bar she worked at couldn’t pay her sooner; and the constant tiredness of Peter was because of the nightmares that didn’t let him, and her, sleep at night. She knew that, this wasn’t her fault, she was trying everything in her power to make this work, even giving him her lunch and staying hungry herself. She knew that. She knew she was doing her best. He didn’t. But at that moment she was left speechless.

 “I- I” She tried to defend herself.

“I, I and only I. That’s the point Mrs. Parker, you have to think about him, not you!” He yelled at her, his impeccable and always in place brown hair getting messy with the sharp movements he made. “Look, Mrs. Parker, we don’t want this to go any further, right? So, I suggest you to start taking better care of your kid, the scholar year has just started, if this situation stays the same, I’m afraid I’ll have to call my superiors and if be needed child support.”

If his scream didn’t scare her, the threat of calling child support did. Y/n was so close to cry in front of him, but she took a deep breath and looked him at the eyes. “I get it sir; is there anything else you would like to discuss?”

Her response made him want to yell at her, but an opening door and a sweet voice stopped him.

“Y/n are you done? I want to go home.” Peter chimed in their conversation.

“Yes Peter, I am, let’s go home.” The girl smiled at him, and without glancing at the teacher, she took the boy’s backpack in one hand and his hand in the other, and the two of the walked back to her car.

   Something James Barnes always prided himself of was his ability to observe the kids around him, and if it was necessary to put their parents in place. He could be the sweetest to his children, who often called him “Professor Bucky” or simply “Bucky”, but he could be the devil in person with the parents that didn’t take proper care of their children.

 Peter Parker had been by far his favorite student, the little boy was so intelligent, it scared him sometimes; he knew a lot of fun facts, he was especially good at math and natural sciences; Bucky though he could be a doctor with all his knowledge in the human body, but the boy often told him that, that wasn’t for him.

 Anyway, the little boy was so dedicated and passionate that he often found himself and the boy discussing a certain topic seen in his class during lunch break; that’s how he noticed that sometimes the boy didn’t have food to eat, or that sometimes he was so sleepy he would stare at some point in the distance and fall asleep.

 Bucky felt so mad at Peter’s parents, that it didn’t matter to him that Peter’s mother was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, or that she seemed indeed worried about him. No. He was so mad because she and her husband couldn’t give Peter the proper love and care that he deserved. And now that he thought about it, she was way too young to know what she was doing. And that made him angrier. Anyway, it didn’t matter anymore, for usually when he talked to the parents everything went better.

 Except this time, it didn’t.

 The day after the “talk” with his mother, Peter missed school.

 And the day after that, he arrived with a frown in his face and sat at the back of the room. He made no sound in all day, nor did he share fun facts or answers with the rest of the class, and at lunch break he took his things and without sparing a glace to Bucky walked out of the classroom with his friend Ned. He was picked up at three o’clock sharp by that woman he was now starting to dislike. Did she told Peter not to talk to him anymore? Had she hurt him to make Peter ignore him? Was she making Peter’s life a living hell? Is that why he missed school and was in a bad mood? The doubts made Bucky’s head ache. He needed to talk to Peter to know why he was all moody.

 Next day arrived, and Peter did the same: sat at the back and ignored Bucky, he had a frown again. At lunch time Bucky tried to call him, but the boy was already out of the classroom when the bell sang.

 Two more days passed the same, until a faithful Friday after classes, Peter was waiting to be picked up when Bucky told him to go to the classroom to wait for his parents to come for him. Peter looked at him with a mix of anger and hurt, but walked to the classroom anyway and sat at the end of the room. Bucky followed him

 “What is it Peter? Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” Bucky asked with the softest voice he had. Peter had taken out a book that read ‘Anatomy for kids’ and was ignoring him. “I know, why don’t we talk about anatomy? I heard you talking about it with your friend Ned during lunch time the other day.” He said again, smiling.

 “I don’t want to talk with you” The young boy whispered, making Bucky’s smile disappear.

 “Why Peter?” Bucky tried again. Peter mumbled something behind his book that he couldn’t catch. “What did you say Peter?” He asked getting closer.

 “Because you made her cry!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

 “Wha- what do you mean Peter?” Bucky tried to hug him or something but the kid jumped out of his chair.

 “You made her cry! You made auntie Y/n cry! She cried all night and asked me forgiveness one hundred times! She thinks she is a bad aunt because of what you told her, but she is the best thing I have ever had since- since”

 “Since what Peter?” Bucky pushed him further.

 “Since my parents went to heaven” And with that hell broke lose and Peter started crying like there was no tomorrow, Bucky got to his knees and tried to comfort the kid but nothing seemed to work, until the door opened, and the girl he had before confused with Peter’s mother came running to the kid and hugged him.

 She threw her backpack to the floor and Bucky could see medicine books and a stethoscope fly out of the poorly closed bag. Then everything clicked to Bucky, why she was always late, why she looked so young, why Peter never got mad like other kids when she was late. Because she was doing what she could do.

 “Shh, shh, it’s okay my boy, it’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?” She whispered as she rocked him on the floor back and forth in her arms.

 “Aunt Y/n I miss my mommy” The girl’s eyes filled with tears.

 “Me too, kiddo, me too. But you mommy would be so sad to watch you cry. Do you remember that song she used to sing to your dad?”

 “Ye-ah, it-it was pretty.” Peter answered in a whisper, trying to regulate his breath.

 “How does it go?” Y/n made a thoughtful face, and Peter separated from her a little to see her face. “oh yes…  I'll reach my hands out in the dark

And wait for yours to interlock I'll wait for you I'll wait for you

'Cause I'm not givin' up I'm not givin' up, givin' up No, not yet Even when I'm down to my last breath Even when they say there's nothin' left So don't give up on”

Peter’s eyes shined as he sang too. Bucky still in the floor with them saw how Peter slowly became sleepier and let Y/n carry him to the exit. When she tried to take his and her things, Bucky took them from her and walked behind her to her car, once she laid Peter down in the back seats, and closed the door. Bucky started talking:

“I’m so sorry Miss Parker, I-”

“Y/n Fitzpatrick, but you can call me Y/n. Parker was my sister’s married name… she died some months ago, and now I’m Peter’s legal guardian” She interrupted him, as she opened the trunk, took the backpacks and books from him and threw them in.

“I’m sorry Y/n, if I had known what was going on, I wouldn’t have said that.” Bucky told her, shame and guilt written all over his face.

“It’s okay, I guess I will have to push a little harder to be the tutor Peter deserves” She said looking at the floor ashamed.

“No!” Bucky’s sudden yell made her jump. “You are doing great, Peter talks wonder of you, says you are the best thing that has happened to him since his parents. I told you all those things because I thought you weren’t taking proper care of him… he is such an amazing kid, and now I know that in part because of you, I saw the book he was reading ‘Anatomy for kids’ he most admire you a lot”

The girl smiled “I took him to one of my classes some days ago, he seemed to love it”

“I’m sure he did” It was his turn to smile, and Y/n was awestruck; she knew from the moment she saw him that the man was handsome, with his frown and everything. But here, with a smile on his face, his blue eyes sparkling and the little wrinkles, sign that he smiled often; man, at that moment she thought she was in front of a god. “I’m James Barnes, but my kids call me Professor Bucky, you can call me Bucky too.” Oh, dear God, he called his students HIS children, how heartwarming was that? She knew he was good with kids; he wasn’t Peter’s favorite teacher for nothing. But this, this was beyond lovely.

 “Nice to officially meet you Bucky.” His smile got bigger when he heard her. His name sounded heavenly coming from her lips.

 “Likewise,” And then both adults looked at the floor, speechless. But Bucky wasn’t having none of that, he was going to make it up to her. He cleared his throat. “Would you like to… go to the park? I mean, Peter, you and me. I have a lot to make up for.”

 “You have nothing to make up for, really, I get that you were trying to help Peter.”

 “Well maybe I don’t have to, but I would like to…”

 Y/n didn’t know what to do, she didn’t want to go out with him just because he felt guilty, she didn’t date often, mostly because she had no time, but also because she didn’t want to waste her time in boys that wouldn’t stay around, or wouldn’t understand what her duty was, especially now with Peter by her side. Bucky seem to understand that, but if he really just did that to ease his guilt?

 “Please” He whispered taking her hand and looking straight at her eyes, he seemed honest.

 She was going to accept but a younger voice interrupted her from inside the car “Say yes aunt Y/n. I want to go to the Park” And soon Peter’s face was showing through the still open trunk, his cheeks resting in the back seat, “Please auntie”

 Bucky and the girl laughed “Seems like I am forgiven” He said smiling at little Peter.

 “Just if aunt Y/n accepts to go to the park with us!” Peter exclaimed, but the three of them knew he had already forgiven Bucky.

 “What do you say Y/n? Do you help me earn Peter’s forgiveness?” The blue-eyed man asked her, his eyes shining with hope.

 The girl giggled “You will win him back with an ice cream and a race to the swings” She now realized that they still had their hands entwined.

 “And do you have any tips to win you over?” He stepped closer.

 She squished his hand “That can be discussed later over a coffee, for now let’s go to the park”

 He smiled, she smiled, Peter yelled excited, and the three of them started a story together.

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 7) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

After Logan finished eating, Patton showed him his office. First, he was given his personal and work files which were familiar in organizational structure even if they had years’ worth of new information in them and his work files had a new subfolder for teaching instead of being purely for schoolwork. Yet, the thing that most interested Logan was the new file designation which Patton retrieved for him by finding a key in a hidden desk drawer compartment and using it to open a secret compartment in the wall. The files there were red and completely new to Logan. Thankfully, they still had quite a bit of structure that he was able to pick up quickly and there were easy to read tables of contents with understandable subsection titles.

He flipped curiously through the first few. They reflected the story Patton had told him earlier in content as well as form. The beginning files were either blue for work or plain white since his foray into superherodom had started from an academic source.

Though he had not known Logan at the time by his own admission, Patton’s knowledge of his early days of being a superhero were perfectly accurate based on the files. That combined with his knowledge about where the files were in the first place, stroked Logan’s curiosity regarding the man even more. Logan was not a trusting person, at least he had not been at 18, and he imagined not much had changed in the last 10 years. So, he had to wonder what it was about Patton that had made him willing to share so much about his life and clearly heavily protected aspects of his life at that. He did not imagine he would share his exploits as a hero with just anyone.

And, if it were just his exploits as a hero, perhaps he would have even understood that. It was good to have an ally, especially one with useful skills such as a doctor. Yet, Patton’s knowledge went deeper than even that to things more personal, ones not in these files or any of his others. He knew things about Logan: his favorite color, why he prefers some fabrics over others, and stories that had never left his lips in his current memories.

Why? He had to wonder. What made this person so different than everyone else?

Certainly, he could see the appeal of him as a romantic partner in the theoretical sense.

He was a doctor which was useful considering Logan’s superhero status likely led to physical injuries sometimes. In addition, that was a well-paying, respectable job, though it did have an unpredictable work schedule. Achievement in that field spoke of enough intellect to be on par with Logan even if they were in different areas.

He was also clearly adequately skilled in other things. He had managed to find Logan and get him back to his apartment and seemed to have enough emotional control to do what was necessary in the situation.

This was someone he imagined his parents would have likely expected for him as a romantic partner (if they expected anything at all). Though, Logan did have to worry that if they were both not particularly emotionally expressive then there may not be a good balance in the relationship.

Logan watched as he flipped through one of his personal files to get a picture from his college graduation to show him with practiced ease. He was comfortable around Logan’s organizational system, he noted. That was something no one had ever bothered to be before. Most people either tolerated or scorned the way he kept his files, but Patton knew his way around it almost as well as Logan himself, better in fact when it came to the new red files, fingers always flipping to the correct pages in seconds when Logan asked questions.

It was nice to have someone care enough to learn it.

It felt as though something shifted marginally inside his chest at the thought of someone being patient enough to learn how Logan organized his life. To do so was to basically learn how Logan’s mind worked. He… hadn’t known that was something he might want.

Oh.

That, he suddenly knew with clarity, that was why. Or at least part of why. It had to be.

“So,” Patton broached suddenly, likely catching him staring and wonder why, “Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

Logan blinked at him. “You already know me. Better than I do myself at the moment.”

“Sure, but I’ve only known versions of you that I’ve known.”

“Yes. That is typically how reality works.”

“Well not today,” he pointed out and… fair point. “Plus, maybe you’ll start to remember more if you start talking about yourself. Like when you’re trying to remember the title of a song so you sing the lyrics you know until you get to the point where they use the title in the song.”

Logan considered that. “That sounds like a rational strategy to try. What should I talk about?”

“Well, I know a lot about the events that happened in your life, but not really what you thought about them at the time. What are things you like and dislike in your life right now. You know,” he paused, “what are things you find annoying? Stuff like that.”

“I like coffee,” Logan said after a moment of consideration, “and school. Libraries. I like order and schedules and it makes me uncomfortable when things don’t go to plan. I don’t like impromptu things or eating outside. I don’t really like when people are overly emotional or when they cry mostly because I never know how to respond. I don’t like my English teacher because she once had a mental breakdown crying about a dream she had for 30 minutes when a student asked her if she’d graded our papers. Also, she was homophobic. I like math and science and my parents. Though, I dislike when they insist, I try to go out and “have fun.” I especially disliked when they set me up with a date for the homecoming. When I said I didn’t want to go especially with a girl they set me up with a boy for the next dance which was… nice as they attempted to listen to me, but they entirely missed the point. I dislike messes. I like jam. I want to major in math and physics and get my PhD in at least one… that seemed to work out. My calculus teacher was my favorite even though everyone else seemed to resent her, but we also mostly all passed the advanced placement test, so I think it was worth it. Also, she was kind.”

“You had a homophobic English teacher?” Patton asked.

“Ah, yes, did I never mention?” Logan asked. “She made her views known to a boy in the year below me and got fired a month ago.”

“You never told me about that.”

“Perhaps I decided she was no longer worth dwelling on. The man who took her place seems adequate, though I am not in his class. I also like my current English teacher. She says she got her teaching degree later in life and before that used to be a cultural anthropologist. She tells us stories about different places she’s been.”

Patton smiled. “She sounds interesting,” he said.

“Yes, and it is quite an interesting course. It is an extra one beyond what I must take to graduate. We write a research paper over the course of the entire semester.” Logan paused for a long moment. “This does not seem to be doing anything.”

Patton nodded. “Okay,” he said. “That’s fine. We’ll try something else. Maybe we should have lunch first though.”

Logan was starting to feel a bit hungry. “That is a good idea.”

Want to read more? Click below!

AO3 Part 8

[randomnumbers751650]

Long, unedited text in which I rant about comparative mythology, Joseph Campbell and his monomyth,

Back in 2012 I wanted to improve my fiction writing (and writing in general, because in spite of nuances, themes and audience, writing a fiction and a nonfiction piece shouldn’t be that different) and thus I picked a few writing manuals. Many of them cited the Hero’s Journey, and how important it became for writers – after all Star Wars used and it worked. I believe most of the people reading this like Star Wars, or at least has neutral feelings about it, but one thing that cannot be denied is that became a juggernaut of popular culture.

So I bought a copy of the Portuguese translation of The Hero of a Thousand Faces and I fell in love with the style. Campbell had a great way with words and the translation was top notch. For those unaware, The Hero of a Thousand Faces proposes that there is a universal pattern in humanity’s mythologies that involves a person (usually a man) that went out into a journey far away from his home, faced many obstacles, both external and internal, and returned triumphant with a prize, the Grail or the Elixir of Life, back to his home. Campbell’s strength is that he managed to systematize so many different sources into a single cohesive narrative.

At the time I was impressed and decided to study more and write in an interdisciplinary research with economics – by writing an article on how the entrepreneur replaces the mythical hero in today’s capitalism. I had to stop the project in order to focus on more urgent matters (my thesis), but now that I finished I can finally return to this pet project of mine.

If you might have seen previous posts, I ended up having a dismal view of economics. It’s a morally and spiritually failed “science” (I have in my drafts a post on arts and I’m going to rant another day about it). Reading all these books on comparative mythology is so fun because it allows me for a moment to forget I have a degree in economics.

Until I started to realize there was something wrong.

My research had indicated that Campbell and others (such as Mircea Eliade and Carl Gust Jung, who had been on of Campbell’s main influences) weren’t very well respected in academia. At first I thought “fine”, because I’m used to interact with economists who can be considered “heterodox” and I have academic literature that I could use to make my point, besides the fact my colleagues were interested in what I was doing.

The problem is that this massive narrative of the Hero’s Journey/monomyth is an attempt to generalize pretty wide categories, like mythology, into one single model of explanation, it worked because it became a prescription, giving the writer a tool to create a story in a factory-like pace. It has checkboxes that can be filled, professional writers have made it widely available.

But I started to realize his entire understanding of mythology is problematic. First the basics: Campbell ignores when myths don’t fit his scheme. This is fruit of his Jungian influences, who claim that humanity has a collective unconsciousness, that manifest through masks and archetypes. This is the essence of the Persona games (and to a smaller extent of the Fate games) – “I am the Shadow the true self”. So any deviation from the monomyth can be justified by being a faulty translation of the collective unconsciousness.

This is the kind of thing that Karl Popper warned about, when he proposed the “falseability” hypothesis, to demarcate scientific knowledge. The collective unconsciousness isn’t a scientific proposition because it can be falsified. It cannot be observed and it cannot be refuted, because someone who subscribe to this doctrine will always have an explanation to explain why it wasn’t observed. In spite of falseability isn’t favored by philosophers of science anymore, it remains an important piece of the history of philosophy and he aimed his attack on psychoanalysis of Freud and Jung – and, while they helped psychology in the beginning, they’re like what Pythagoras is to math. They were both surpassed by modern science and they are studied more as pieces of history than serious theorists.

But this isn’t the worst. All the three main authors on myths were quite conservatives in the sense of almost being fascists – sometimes dropping the ‘almost’. Some members of the alt-right even look up to them as some sort of “academic’ justification. Not to mention anti-Semitic. Jung had disagreement with Freud and Freud noticed his anti-Semitism. Eliade was a proud supporter of the Iron Guard, a Romanian fascist organization that organized pogroms and wanted to topple the Romanian government. Later Eliade became an ambassador at Salazar’s Fascist Portugal, writing it was a government guided by the love of God. Campbell, with his hero worship, was dangerously close to the ur-fascism described by Umberto Eco (please read here, you won’t regret https://www.pegc.us/archive/Articles/eco_ur-fascism.pdf).

“If you browse in the shelves that, in American bookstores, are labeled as New Age, you can find there even Saint Augustine who, as far as I know, was not a fascist. But combining Saint Augustine and Stonehenge – that is a symptom of Ur-Fascism.”

Campbell did that a lot. He considered the Bible gospels and Gnostic gospels to be on the same level. Any serious student, that is not operating under New Age beliefs and other frivolous theories like the one that says Jesus went to India, will know there’s a difference between them (even Eliade was sure to stress the difference).

But Campbell cared nothing for it. He disliked the “semitic” religions for corrupting the mythic imagination (which is the source of his anti-Semitism), especially Judaism. When I showed him describing the Japanese tea ceremony to a friend who’s minoring in Japanese studies, she wrote “I’m impressed, he’s somehow managed to out-purple prose the original Japanese”. So, it’s also full of orientalism, treating the East as the mystical Other, something for “daring” Westerners to discover and distillate.

What disturbed…no, “disturbed” isn’t the word that I need in the moment, but what made me feel uncomfortable is that, in spite of all his talk of spirituality, the impression I had of Power of Myth is that I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone more materialist than him. Not even Karl Marx, founder of the Historical Materialism, was as materialist as Campbell.

At one point in the book, he was asked if he believed in anything and he gave a dismissive reply and said “I want to get experiences.” A man who studied all the myths of the world available, apparently didn’t believe in anything. Is that what spiritual maturity is? A continuous flux of experiences? Being taken by some sort of shamanistic wind like a floating plastic bag?

In nowhere in the interview he talked about virtues. In rebellion with his Catholic childhood, he said that we should go to the confessionary and say “God, I’ve been such a good boy”. Any cursory reading of the Gospel would say otherwise. Wasn’t this exactly Pharisee’s prayer in Luke 18:9-14? While the wasn’t the publican, who went with humility and asked for forgiveness, the one who walked out with an experience? And not only in Christianity, since in Tibetan Buddhism, a tulpa is something you have to kill, not foster like an imaginary friend like in some internet circles, contamined with this obsession with experiences.

The way I came to see Joseph Campbell as a man who was so stuck in his own world that nothing could move him out of it. All he wanted to do was this big experience, but in the end it’s as wide as the ocean, but shallow as a puddle. Even when Campbell speaks about having a “cosmic consciousness”, all that New Age jargon, claiming it’s about people discovering they’re not the center of the universe, it’s still so…self-servicing. It addresses a crowd so obsessed with experiences, but wants nothing to do with anything that requires compromise. He quotes the Hindu concept of maya, that life is an illusion, but I wonder how right he is about it.

I want to share this critique, by a researcher in comic studies: “We do not remember The Night Gwen Stacy Died because Gwen’s death reminds us of our own mortality, ‘the destiny of Everyman’, but because the story exposes the fragility of Spider-Man reader’s fantasies. Even icons can die.”

The exposition of the fragility of myths, especially the Hero’s Journey, never happens in Campbell’s work. It never talks about the potential of myths hindering entire societies, causing strife and causing people who can’t fit to become outcasts. Not even the cruel ones, like the Aztec death cult is treated as sublime, ignoring the fact that the Aztec neighbors helped to Spanish because they had enough of the Aztec myth.

I have changed my article. While I will still write on the hero entrepreneur, I’ll take a more critical view. The focus of the entrepreneur as an individual has many issues, because it ignores the role of public investment (necessary for high risk enterprises, like going to the moon or creating touch screens) and it treats with contempt the worked wage. Cambpell also treated with contempt the “masses”, who cannot be “heroes”. The theory on the entrepreneur is the same, treating the entrepreneur as a hero and the waged workers as lowlifes who have nothing to do, but to work, obey and be paid – to the point it feels like some economists treat strikes as crimes worse than murder. Not only that, but they can exploit the worker (see a book named “Do what you love and other lies about success and happiness”, it could be replaced with “Follow your bliss…”).

Campbell wrote in a time that there was no Wikipedia. So his book was the introduction of myths to a lot of people. It helped it was well-written. He considering his approach apolitical, but it’s clear that’s it’s not exactly like that (though this is a reason why Jordan Peterson failed to become the next Campbell, since he’s also a Jungian scholar, but he tried to become a conservative guru and this was his downfall). And, nowadays, Campbell is still inevitable in the circles that his themes matter, unlike Freud and Jung. Read it, but be aware of its problems, because it has already influenced what you consume.

[nyxicnymph]

Horizon and Edge

#3: Different people, different places

Hailey:

I wake up and stare at the ceiling. After apologizing to Edge last night, I definitely feel better.

I roll out of bed and get ready for school. Kaylee said that she and Beth have been planning something for me. And that I’ll get to see--Ooh, shorts over leggings, very nice--I’ll get to see it today.  

At school, Beth and Kay are super excited. I wish they would just tell me what’s going on. If I know that there is a surprise, I hate it. I’m also a naturally jumpy person, and hate surprises in general. And people. And social events. And convention, tradition, stereotypes, and all things normal. AGGG! I will never adjust to normal society!

Okay, ignore the diatribe.

I breeze through math, which is unusual. I usually struggle, and there is much throwing of pencils. Then I get lectured for throwing the thirty-cents-worth of pencil.

Science was science. English made me want to scream obscenities in French, and German. Not that I know any swear words in German, but still... AGH! MUFFIN-FUDGING ENGLISH THREE!!!!

Anyway, after school, I’m just sitting on the steps. Beth and Kay come out of the monstrous building that is our school, and tell me to follow them. I do so, wondering what they’re going to show me.

Thirty minutes later, we are standing in front of a... tiny house. It’s a tiny house. AHHAHHAHHAH-HAHHAHHAH!!

“Nice clubhouse,” I remark.

Behind me, I hear Beth ask, “Kaylee, are you all right?”

Kaylee bursts out: “IT’S NOT A CLUBHOUSE! It’s a place for us and our friends to get together and hang out! To play games and do homework and to get to know each other! It’s not a clubhouse!”

“Okay.” I turn to Beth. “So... it’s basically a clubhouse?”

Beth nods. “Yeah, pretty much. She just won’t admit it.”

“OMIGOSH IT’S NOT A FREAKING CLUBHOUSE!!!!” Kaylee explodes.

I laugh, and pat her on the shoulder, then I walk in. I almost run into Rick, who is one of the two guys that the girls introduced me to yesterday. The other guy is really grumpy. His name is Cole.

“Sorry!” I exclaim, trying to get around. He blocks me.

“Nice to see you again. Kaylee brought you here?” He asks.

Agh, why must people speak to me?! “Yes,” I say, then duck underneath his arm. Both thank the cheezits for and curse the muffin-fudging tall people!

I take in the room. Clearly, the tiny clubhouse only has one room. There’s an old couch, some old tables, an old fridge, etc. Clearly, most of this stuff is third- or even fourth-hand furniture. Probably from the Quintants’ parents.

I see Cole. He sees me. He waves at me, and says, “Hi, Persephone.”

PERSPHONE??!!

I clear my throat. “Excuse me, but that’s not my name.”

“All right, Persephone.”

“DON’T CALL ME PERSEPHONE!!!”

“Yes, Persephone.”

I yell in frustration, and walk to the other end of the room. Until I see Erik. Then I stop walking, and just stand there. I feel dumb, but...

1. I don’t like Erik very much.

2. I don’t like boys very much.

3. I don’t know these kids very well.

4. I don’t exactly know why I’m here.

5. I’m not a social person.

6. Bethany and Kaylee are talking to Rick, and I don’t want to talk to him again.

7. Better to feel dumb and not talk to people you don’t want to talk to, then to talk to them and dislike them even more.

8. It’s a small clubhouse, and I don’t have anywhere else to go.

Anyway, I’m not talking.

I glance at one of the tables, and sit down at it. Then I pull out my sketchbook, and some pencils. I might as well do something.

I’m getting along pretty well, drawing my favorite horse, Stella, being tended to by James, our ranch-hand, until I sense someone behind me, watching me. I turn around, and see Rick. He is really close.

“Um...” I can’t say anything else. I can’t talk to boys, except to yell at them for being dumb. Never have. Well, I can do it to Liam, but he’s my brother. Different circumstances.

Rick starts, then turns bright red. His hair is a subdued brown red, so he looks kind of like an upside-down fence post.

“Sorry,” he says, “I was just looking. You draw really well.”

Suddenly, my tongue is loosened. “It’s not star quality.”

He brightens, like he wasn’t expecting me to speak, but now that I have, maybe we can get along.

We’ll see.

“It’s better than mine. I prefer to draw stick figures, and horses never show up. How did you get so good?” He asks. He’s genuinely curious. I suppose I better tell him. Lying’s not my shtick, anyway.

“Well, I’ve lived on a ranch for most of my life. So, besides doing all my chores, and amassing useful skills, I began to draw in my small amounts of free time. Growing up on a ranch gives a good idea of how any kind of body works, so I began to start drawing people and animals. I’m also fairly decent at landscapes, though not at the same level as my people.” I stop for a breath, and to see if he wants to add something to the conversation.

Because that’s how conversation works.

Rick looks at me. “You grew up on a ranch?”

“I did MOST of my growing up on a ranch. I’m finishing my growing up here in the City,” I correct him.

“Right, right, of course. But I guess that explains your ‘different-type-of-girl’ aura.”

“Um, aura?” I question. “You mean how I carry myself, right? Because I don’t believe in magic and stuff like that.” And I don’t glow.

Rick nods. “Yeah, it’s in the way you carry yourself, the way you look at problems and find solutions, the way you interact with people.”

“Cautiously?”

“Um, yeah. Though that’s really an understatement. You are clearly used to non-human companionship.” He laughs. “You actually seem afraid of people.”

I cringe. “That obvious, huh?” I sigh. “It’s more of a fear of... not understanding them. I was raised differently, even from other kids on ranches, and I know it. I’m more afraid of not understanding society, but at the same time, I kind of... embrace it.”

Rick shrugs. “Hey, I understand embracing the unconventional. I’m different, too. Even from my family. But you are like... thirteen times as different.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Thirteen? Really embracing the unconventional, aren’t we?”

He laughs.

**********************************************

Later, I’m out wandering. I told my parents, I have a GPS, and I told them I’d probably be home by ten o’clock. I’m set.

As I turn down a dark street, I see a patch of light that stands out. Naturally. But I mean, it’s different from the other patches, like those from streetlamps.

I step closer, and look at it from a closer distance. It seems more like it’s moving light, or moving light and sound. Or just a really bright flashlight.

I creep a little closer. It doesn’t seem to change. It’s really bright...

I accidentally touch it, and get sucked down into a mess of sound and light distortion. As I land on a hard surface, I hear someone shouting:

“Welcome to the Never-Ending Show!”

Oh, no.

[ultradiplr]

First Impressions

A SFW Sigma & OC fanfiction

Tags: Sigma, OC: Uahi (H453), mentions of death and regret, sort of Talon Sigma mention?

A/N No fluff, no smut, just a little practice at writing Sigma, its been a very long time since I’ve written so go easy on me!

Sigma sat alone in his room, well his lab, well not entirely a lab. It was a studio apartment as well, lab and apartment, not much different from when he was….. It was his home inside of this building inside of the ground. Well partially in the… it wasn’t important. What was important was that he was mostly alone, doing work, and counting down the seconds until the next guard came to watch him.

Endless shifts of guards. Talon Guards. Here to keep him safe. Keep his research safe really. Whether they actually cared about his person however he’d never know or care particularly. They watched, behind a mask similar to his experimental one, with tightly layered kevlar and metal suits holding loaded guns, treating him neither coldly or warmly, regarding him like a job. And he was. He was not their company, not a friend to converse with or a stranger to regard warmly as even a coworker, he was simply him. Subject Sigma. A job.

He didn’t care really, the people from… before…. Treated him like a job as well. No… no they didn’t. They treated him like an experiment. Like a thing to be observed. A thing to be tested. To be strapped down and used and….. No, he can’t get into it, not now, not while he’s working tonight. Or else it’d be another lost night of spiraling. These people here, the guards, at least they weren’t watching him for scientific research, weren’t strapping him down and forcing that melody into his room, weren’t keeping him confined and broken. These guards were just… here, with him, casually. This was their job. At least he could be okay with that.

“H453, for shift change.” A voice cut through the silence of the room and the rambling in his brain, he looked at the wall at a digital clock, strange was it off-

“H453 you’re five minutes early.” Sigma turned to look at the area besides his door to his lab.

A small glass encased room within the room, very small, almost like an old gate attendant box, with a control panel within it. The guard sat on a stool looking tired from his posture, and the new one sent to relieve him for the night stood in the booth’s own doorway, separate from the lab’s real one.

“Are you complaining?” They asked, the one standing.

“Nope.” Said the one sitting as they stood and sidestepped the new guard, “He’s all yours.” 

Sigma turned away then, pulling his attention back to his research, or at least back to his mind where he could think for a moment. H453, that was new, what happened to O657? Usually O657 was here after J223, and when O657 wasn’t here T784 was. Was there new scheduling? He’d been told there were new staff earlier this week but he’d assumed it was for the technical team, and not the guard. What on earth happened to O657? He quite liked them, when they fell asleep they didn’t snore. And when they were awake they’d hum tunes. And there was that one time they warned him about instruments about to fall off a table and he thought that was rather nice. Who was this new person who-

“Good Morning” A voice, a clear voice, not spat out from the speakers of a mask, asked him from the box, and he jumped a little.

He looked back at them, or rather her, firstly surprised at being addressed so directly, and again at the disregard at protocol as he saw clearly her face, she had taken her Talon issued headgear off. She was mature, or at least looked to be, pronounced grey hairs filling her black tied back bun of hair. She looked tired, which was fair considering the time… the time! He looked at her and back at the clock, god, MIDNIGHT.

A hand rose to his face and pinched his nose and rubbed his eyes, he’d been working for a solid twelve hours since his last break, and hadn’t eaten in just as long. He sighed and looked back at her, giving her a raised brow, before staunchly ignoring her greeting and floating over to a kitchen of sorts in this cavernous room.

“Kitchen” being a generous term for it, it was a table with an electric teapot used to make hot water on it, a few boxes of various teas, and a handful of instant foods made with adding hot water. He was allowed to make his own food, though the pickings were slim, not a fresh piece of fruit, vegetable or meat in sight, processed and packaged meals were his whole life, though he couldn’t complain really, better than the tube stuff… much better. 

“Or you can just ignore me.” He heard her mumble rather loudly, obviously meaning for him to hear.

He made a noise to acknowledge that he heard her, opening up a bowl of instant noodles, and pouring in hot water and flavoring.

“Instant noodles, I had the same dinner.” He heard her speak, again, as he watched the noodles cook in front of him, “You’d think they’d splurge a little more on at least name brands.” she attempted to joke.

Truth be told, he was surprised at her attempts to be somewhat friendly, more than the last few, though he did remember some of them being friendly… before…. Before a large hiring of new guards…. New guards….. Every few months there were always new people, all more quiet than the last.

He cut his thought off early from that, not wanting to say to himself why that was, best to move on from that. Sacrifices could reasonably be made in the name of science after all…

“You always this quiet or should I be alarmed?” She asked casually, but the tone of annoyance was not lost on him.

“I am tired.” He answered without turning toward her, fixated on the bubbles rising between the instant noodles breaking up, though he was afraid it came off more intense then he meant for it to be, considering he heard it echoing in the room, his voice louder than he realized.

He heard her scoff and then the squeak of the stool as she settled more back, “Sorry, i’ll be quiet.” she said, and though she sounded sincere, no doubt she was a bit…. Annoyed.

He frowned to himself, squeezing his lips into a thin line and wearing an intense expression as he mixed the now softened noodles around. He disliked how this first impression went, how awkward it must be for her to be stuck in a room with a giant floating man who refuses to talk to you. Though that wasn’t his fault, was it? She should have known he wasn’t the “talkative” type...  well he used to be…. He used to be a lot of things…. But he wasn’t anymore was he?

He shook his head as memories of summits and meetings and lunches began to flood his mind, he disliked thinking of before in such personal detail, in ways where he can feel like he was there, because sometimes it feels like he is….. And that scared him.

“You are fine, I am just tired, I have been up all day.” He says softly, noting the lack of echo, good, he’s at an acceptable volume, “Though I would think you know that.” He said, trying to make light of the situation as he picked up the warm bowl in his hands and floated back to his work table.

“Something like that, the briefing for this station is pretty long.” she said plainly, it seems he’d have to do better if she was going back to her previous tone.

“I would not be surprised, it seems they send a new guard here every other week.” He sat above his work station, comfortable lounging as he picked and ate his food slowly, hunger not overshadowing hard set eating habits.

“Considering the casualties, I wouldn’t be surprised, they’re down to pulling veterans.” She yawned with a stretch, the metal, plastic and kevlar scraping together, much too loud for his liking, even above his slurping.

The word casualties hung in the air, although she said it so nonchalantly, it stuck to the inside of his skull. He disliked the word greatly, murders would be more fitting a small voice in the back of his head would whisper, bodies another would say, fools yet another would say, roadblocks, the price of success, the price of science, the price of humanity….

Before he knew it he was staring down at an empty bowl, completely empty, no soup no noodles, he blinked and then he felt a splash of hot to warm water splash his face as his bowl was suddenly full again.

He yelped as he got drenched with his own floating meal and suddenly touched the ground, standing tall on his own two feet as he trudged over to the meager sink and dumped his food in it, frustrated and upset.

“Get out, I will be going to bed.” he said harshly, his echoing voice barely puncturing his own racing thoughts, already stomping to his bed within the same room.

He stood beside his bed, focusing on the object, grounding himself as he touched the soft fabric to make like he was getting in. Some part of him noticed the sound of the shifting of her suit gear as she got up and the sound of the guard box’s door opening and shutting.

He got into bed and listened to the murmurings subsiding as he stared at the wall, the lights shut off about thirty minutes later, reasoned that him not moving was a sign of sleep while in reality he just focused on a small crack in the wall. Minuscule really, looks more like a dent, a chip in the paint even. Bigger than it had been during his first few weeks, a month ago he had focused hard on the crack and it had grown. The show of strength had scared him greatly and he had not attempted it again. But it stayed here, this crack, reminding him of how powerful he had become. More permanent than any guard, more permanent than the countless others he must have hurt, even more permanent than the fleeting memories and achievements he had made before… before he became this.

He blinked, one, twice, three times, slower and slower, and before long he drifted to sleep, his dreams filled with space and floating shapes and theoretical lines and vectors and math unknowable and incomprehensible.