#which really hurt and confused me
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Personal...
#just got racially profiled at my local post office while trying to buy money orders for my rent#i go there every month and deal with the same postal clerks#and they know this is my rent money#for some reason this was the day they decided to treat me like i was trying to commit fraud#i was so upset#there were three of them#all asian#which really hurt and confused me#two of them know me#i've been going to that post office for almost six years now#those clerks know me#but today they treated me like dirt#i'm so mad and sad#i need a stiff drink#i want to cry#but i'm a grown woman#I don't know why i'm telling the internet#my mom lives all the way in new york so she can't come give me a hug and calm me down#it sucks to be reminded that people will lie TO you and ON you because they don't like that you're black and can afford what they can't
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can i just say. and this is probably a niche hill to die on. that i am so gobsmacked every time someone vaguely hints at the idea that jotaro doesn't care meaningfully for the other crusaders, usually particularly kakyoin and joseph, when those two actually tend to be the ones he reacts to being hurt the hardest
like he cares for his loved ones!!!! that literally plays into his character motives in every single part he shows up in!!! stop lying to me!!!!!!!
#me.txt#jjba#i'm going to ramble in tags actually. excuse me#ok. rereading sdc and so confused at the general perception of jotaro and his friends/family. he's not NEARLY as flat or as dickish#i understand that the anime (particularly the dub) tends to slander him but even then he still clearly cares for them! i'm confused#i also understand that a lot of people dig against jotaro and kakyoin as a dynamic because 'they're popular' and that generally disliking#popular things across media is a thing that i've seen consistently everywhere but the discredit to them simply as a DUO and not even as a#pairing is so..... odd..... like they're considered to be a duo that clicks for a reason. i enjoyed them even before i got into the fandom#every time i see someone say jotaro is overrated/dull i take a shot and assume they're an anime-only or only read the manga like once btw#joseph and jotaro also have a neat dynamic and they obviously both love and care for each other. like they're not going to go around loudly#or anything but literally the entirety of the lovers and the prelude to the dio fight IS jotaro being worked up over joseph getting hurt#equally i don't know if it translates to the anime as much but joseph is VERY complimentary when it comes to jotaro. like he sings his#praises so often and reminds everyone that he's his grandson so frequently (d'arby the gamer is a good example of this). either way it's so#peculiar....... there's not enough avdol and jotaro content btw (also in canon) because jotaro obviously looks up to him and avdol jokes#around with him on the occasion they interact after their intro which doesn't start very well. it's very cute#i do think an important thing to note about jotaro's character is how he acts AFTER his intro because he's so drastically different. early#jotaro and later jotaro aren't the same character and i do not mean this in a character development way. excluding the jail incident he's#completely different and probably shouldn't really be taken into account (especially considering the amount of slapstick in araki's intros)#and i think that's really???? what people center on for his character? Which sucks balls bad!#anyways. i could ramble more about this if asked i have so much to say but sigh. jotaro cares so much for his friends and family he's not a#flat fully cold asshole character regardless of whether you watch the anime or ova or read the manga. you just have poor media literacy#i wouldn't recommend watching solely the anime for his character though. the dub also changes a lot so it's... questionable#i love the anime and it's still important for him though. also adds neat stuff. i need to stop myself. i have many thoughts on the matter#jotaro kujo#joseph joestar#noriaki kakyoin#adding in case anyone sees: i am not saying that he is perfect about this. in fact he is very ass about it with jolyne and holly and that's#very important. he also is in fact an asshole sometimes. NOT as much as you guys are making him though!#please don't get me started on how much of a dick etc people make kakyoin to veer away from the 'woobified' characterizations of him#in fact i think that's bad if not worse because it CLAIMS to be in character. hes a prim asshole at times but not that angry or dishevelled
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walter white from breaking bad
Walter Hartwell White (Breaking Bad) is an Anime Girl!
#my name is walter hartwell white. i live at 308 negra arroyo lane albuquerque new mexico 87104. this is my confession. if youre watching thi#s tape im probably dead. murdered by my brother in law hank schrader. hank has been building a meth empire for over a year and using me as#is chemist. shortly after my 50th birthday hank came to me with a rather shocking proposition. he asked that i use my chemistry knowledge t#cook methamphetamine which he would then sell using his connections in the drug world. connections that he made through his career with the#DEA. i was... astounded. i always thought that hank was a very moral man and i was thrown. confused. but i was also particularily vulner#able at the time. something he knew and took advantage of. i was reeling from a cancer diagnosis that was poised to bankrupt my family. han#took me on a ride along and showed me just how much money even a small meth operation could make. and i was weak. i didnt want my family to#go into financial ruin so i agreed. every day i think back at that moment with regret. i quickly realized that i was in way over my head an#hank had a partner. a man named gustavo fring. a business man. hank essentially sold me into servitude to this man and when i tried to quit#fring threatened my family. i didnt know where to turn. eventually hank and fring had a falling out. from what i can gather hank was always#pushing for a greater share of the business to which fring flatly refused to give him and things escalated. fring was able to arrange uh i#uess you could call it a hit. on my brother in law. and failed but hank was seriously injured. and i ended up paying his medical bills whic#amounted to a little over 177000. upon recovery hank was bent on revenge working with a man named hector salamanca. he plotted to kill frin#and did so. in fact the bomb that he used was built by me and he gave me no option in it. i have often contemplated suicide but i am a cowa#d. i wanted to go to the police but i was frightened. hank had risen in the ranks to become head of the DEA and about that time to keep me#n line he took my children. for 3 months he kept them.my wife who up until that point had no idea of my criminal activities was horrified t#learn what i had done. why hank had taken our children. we were scared. i was in hell i hated myself for what i had brought upon my family.#recently i tried once again to quit to end this nightmare and in response he gave me this. i cant take this anymore. i live in fear every#ay that hank will kill me or worse hurt my family. i... all i could think to do was make this video in hope that the world will finally see#this man for what he really is.#breaking bad#walter white#your fave is an anime girl#your fave is#hall of fame
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soup (dubiously legible sketches #7)
(full props to my friend snipes for the idea)
#traditional art#pen doodles#tf2 scout#tf2 sniper#tf2 fanart#oldart#mercs#the speed at which i furiously drew this instead of taking notes had my hand hurting for 20 minutes#i really hope people dont get confused or lost cuz of the messiness of the sketches#for me its the peak of my friends life
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jasico server was chatting about the cupid scene and jason getting nico's memories blasted straight into his brain and how jason being shot with one of cupid's arrows while with nico and this was just never brought up in canon again and now i'm thinking like...what if that's just how cupid's arrows work? not by magically manifesting love for someone out of nothing, but by giving someone the perspective that'd make them fall in love naturally? jason gets a front row seat to nico's memories and instantly understands him intimately and can trust him completely without any doubt or suspicion
so what if jason, after slowly realizing he's totally in love with nico, just thought back to the arrow incident and it made him second-guess everything? because maybe he's only feeling this way because cupid hit him with an arrow with only nico was around and it's no different than any other god messing with his love life
#i live for anything that drags out the pining/pre-relationship period as long as possible okay#give me the drama of jason frustrated about constantly being manipulated by gods#in love with nico but convinced it's just cupid fucking with him and not wanting nico to get dragged into it#maybe telling nico eventually because he's having trouble hiding his feelings and he doesn't wanna hurt nico by confusing him#which is of course an emotional rollercoaster for nico#hearing jason say he's in love with him only to then immediately hear that it's just godly fuckery#nico agreeing to help jason find cupid to get it reversed because he knows how much it sucks having feelings for someone unwillingly#and he doesn't want jason stuck mooning over someone like him just because he was unkucky enough to be with nico for the cupid incident#whole quest in which nico develops feelings in return and angsts because he's sure jason only feels that way because of the arrow#maybe a slip-up in the middle somewhere with nico accidentally revealing he likes jason back before backpedaling wildly#so now jason has hope despite himself because he'd never really thought it was possible anyway given nico's feelings for percy#and he doesn't like being manipulated by gods but he doesn't mind the idea of being in love with nico#and what if he just gave up on the hunt for cupid entirely and let it happen#while nico feels guilty since clearly it's just cupid arrow magic fucking with jason and he's enabling it#and then of course when they finally find cupid he explains how his arrows work and that he can't just FORCE someone to be in love#no more than hera could with jason and piper by fucking with their memories to push them together#cupid's methods are just way more effective#my tag babble ended up longer than the actual post oh my god#pjo#jasico#my dumb headcanons
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guys i caught a mouse at work today
#i was walking the tech guy back because one of our printers broke#and i opened the door like yeah its right back he- thats a mouse. thats a mouse sitting in the middle of the room#he was very small and i think very confused/freaked out because he just let me. scoop him up. into my gentle loving arms#like he tried to run a little but he didn’t seem to really know where to go#so i was just on the floor like trying to get ahold of this very tiny very pathetic mouse without hurting it#while saying hey um. dont mind me printers right there with a mouse half in my hands#printer guy brought me over a little basket he found and i scooped mousie into the basket#and then i had a mouse in a basket. so i went back into the lobby and went Guys i have a Mouse in a Basket#and then my supervisor escorted me outside and we found a nice little tree with some shade and little plants to dump him at#except hed been scrambling up the basket the whole time and i think hes just accepted his fate to live there forever by then#because he would Not get out of the basket. i had to very very gently scooch him out#and yeah. maybe i pet the mouse. what do you want from me. he was very small and cute and very soft and rabbies isnt real and cant hurt me#he was so fucking cute. oh my god he was so cute. i hope he does well for himself#coworker was like ‘youre just gonna put him outside to be somethings lunch?’#and i said well. better he be lunch for someone than die in a gluetrap in some dark corner of the office#slightly more dignified way to go. benefits something. but i will be praying for a long and happy life for him regardless#every single time ive seen a mouse in my life ive immediately gone ‘oh im fucking Getting You’ <- lovingly and adoringly#so far im 2 for 5. 40% accuracy rate of Getting That Sucker#which i dont think is too bad considering mice are very small and quick and good at not being getted
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Donnie: *performs unethical experiments and tests on Krang, not accounting for its comfort at all, keeping it captive and constantly violating its bodily autonomy, and also doesn't bother to ask what pronouns krang would prefer*
Donnie: idk why he's so unc-c-cooperative. must be an alien th-thing. he's lucky i d-don't just kill h-him.
#nnstuff#rambling#teenage mutant neglected turtles#tmnt krang#tmnt donnie#ignore me misgendering krang in the previous post im very tired and my brain is#used to krang almos always using he/him#also donnie uses he/him for krang for a while which. confuses my brain.#unrelated but my hands really hurt from homework stuff and now im sad.
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asking for help always makes things worse
#I need to just accept that I’m never going to be given any understanding or actual help#I may never escape these worlds it seems it doesn’t matter how hard I try I can’t get anyone to listen to me#this feels traumatizing I feel entirely beaten and ground down into something small and helpless#I have no control at all I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and for what#I need somebody to just listen to me atp not being dismissed is better than nothing but everyone’s a curation anyway no real thoughts or#feelings but it doesn’t matter I don’t even care please just listen to me somebody listen to me I’m so confused do curations have some#autonomy I don’t think so maybe I don’t fucking know they said yes on the clock so perhaps yes so please just listen please pls pls pls pls#I can’t be traumatized I’m not human right but I’m having everything stripped from me every last ounce of control the shadow ppl have all#the control which is funny I’m fairly certain I’m one of them but they still can strip me of control I was bred for this#please somebody help me I keep begging like it’ll do anything can you at least help with the ppl and cameras in the vents#are ppl from the real world watching through them I believe so can anything be done something has to be done escape the impostors something#just something please just listening would help actual listening not dismissal you can think whatever you want about me but listen#maybe some have autonomy and some don’t ?#please understand that I’ve tried very hard I’ve tried very very hard suicidality and homicidality have dug their claws into me even further#I don’t know what else to do I’m at a loss and no one will listen to me at all I’ve tried asking offline I’ve tried asking online it doesn’t#matter what I do where I ask no one will listen even the ones who do somewhat say they don’t know what to do I’m suspicious do they really#not know what to do or are they lying that may be more an impostor thing but everyone and everything is suspicious to me uh uh uh just#listen and help please idk what to do it’s all in the mirrors and clocks and such but I need to find a way to enter the mirrors but I’m#scared what I’ll find who is looking back I’m scared what world I’ll end up in it may be their world I’ll be punished they said yes I’m#terrified can someone go in with me if I manage to find out how that’s pathetic but damn I don’t think I can anyway they’ve been crawling on#the ceilings today hahah doing some weird and wacky shit sometimes they’re a little funky and just there and other times I’m having a heart#attack no in between I know pleading with curations is likely going to be classified as annoying but for the love of god do you know what#else I am supposed to do ??? at the very least just listen to me please it is 02:14:46 how synchronous ! I can’t stop having what I think#are dreams about the mental hospital too haha they send me to dreamworlds sometimes trap me in them waking dreamworlds see I’ve been reduced#down into something tiny I’ve resorted to begging once again do I even want to beg am I lying to myself my words aren’t my own my thoughts#aren’t my own so is this not my own can’t ever speak none of it’s my own it feels unsafe especially to speak of anything that isn’t this#it isn’t safe it isn’t my own it’s not the focus idk idk idk should I ask to talk to someone again I wonder I want understanding for my#situation please listen to me the joints hurt aaaa#my life is a playyy is a playyy is a playyyyyy anyone like marina that song appeared in the head I wonder where that spider went it better#not be inside of the body ok ok ok anyone yes help wanted help needed 02:22:22
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And the kiss! (in addition to this)
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I'm not tagging this because the tags are just me rambling about my thoughts on what a says here. I guess it could be t/w/c critical? But barely I think lol.
#i was gonna put it on the same post as the other#but it didn't fit#and i'm going to ramble a bit in these tags#i still don't know how i feel about this scene#the kiss itself? love it#i don't think a is above sharing a ~moment~#but the “i cannot allow you to fall in love with me” is...huh?#why would you say that? what kind of sense does that make?💀#the thing that solidified my confusion at having a say that was the scene with the detective's bff - specifically if it's n#a will tell n this:#“but love…it is a weakness in my armour. i cannot allow that. if someone were to find that weakness and exploit it...”#“you know I have experienced that once already.”#and THAT makes sense#a's desire to be a knight is what shifted their duties to their sister#and a's love for her - for their family - is what feuled them into challenging the lord who then kills them all#so a repressing their emotions and being almost fearful of their love for the detective and their desire to be with them#makes sense as the reason why a pushes the detective away#so wouldn't saying “i cannot allow myself to fall in love with you” align with that more?#during my first read of b3 i thought it was a typo lol#but then i saw that there's an option where the detective can say “this is just flirting and what comes next would just be a kiss”#thats paraphrasing of course#but yeah the detective can basically go “its not that deep”💀#so a saying that was on purpose and i don't really understand why#i mean obviously they think they aren't worthy of the detective's love#but idk man it just feels weird to me😭#i'm adjusting it in my mind ngl otherwise zuri would back way off#because she isn't quite there yet lmao she knows she has feelings but she isn't calling it love rn#her response would just be her on the defense and deflecting and downplaying#which sucks because she's completely down for a moment at that point#it hurts more than she expects but she's down because she also thinks he shouldn't fall in love with her
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yakuza 0 majima they could never make me hate you
#HE WAS JUST A LITTLE GUY BACK THEN. HE WAS JUST A DEPRESSED DESPERATE LITTLE GUY#WHO CAME FRESH OUT OF HELL AND WAS FRANKLY STILL KINDA LIVING IN IT#BUT ALSO STILL DIDN'T QUITE KNOW JUST WHAT OTHER HORRORS THE YAKUZA LIFE HELD IN STORE FOR HIM#he tells himself that he's willing to do his first hit out of some blind and desperate devotion to his kyoudai who he “failed”#and while i think the sprinklings of majima being Goofy and Stupid while initially trying to perform the hit on makoto are comedy Gold#it also shows how his ass really had No clue what he was doing#bro goes into the place yelling like a fucking idiot and falls asleep right in the target's territory. literally dumbest ass mistakes#and spends the last third of the chapter completely confused and out of the loop and stuck with his Actual target not knowing what to do#and while it's funny as hell it just goes to show how inexperienced he really was.and throughout the game you see how soft he still rlly wa#which just hurts more when you consider how he was so easily manipulated by shimano the entire time. Augh#oh y0 majima you didn't deserve any of that my guy you should've been at the fucking CLUB. Not as the manager though#deadass in the end cutscenes when they paralleled the cutscenes of kiryu and majima on the verge of killing someone for the first time#i really thought they'd do a thing where while kiryu was stopped at the last second by nishiki majima would actually go through it#but the fact that he Also didn't go through with it. while it was shocking and cool as hell at first now it just makes me Sad#he still has those soft bits in him. but after what happened and now that he's shimano's right hand man#he has to wrap them up and keep them somewhere far away. he can't be soft he's a full-fledged yakuza#who performs hits and does dirty work and above all else is loyal to the family and gives his life to his boss#and above even that he's shimano's weapon. he's shimano's Dog. sigh
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😐 this is worse than I remember but definitely salvageable if we put our heads together
#I'm genuinely so confused cause he doesn't seem upset by her answer. like he's just asking for shits and giggles. just curious??#it still doesn't actually really read romantic to me it's just that it's such an odd thing to say in this moment#I'd argue even that this whole thing could easily be familial#if not for annabeth specifying “you were like a brother to me but I didn't love you”#which tells you that obviously here love can't be used in the familial sense#but other than that it's not really romantic either?? she says no. luke seems unsurprised and not disappointed.#percy isn't even jealous about the topic coming up#which on that last point even if percy was jealous that still doesn't mean much to me teen boys will get jealous over anything#but he doesn’t#but like. why did luke even ask then??? he's not manipulating her cause there's nothing to get out of that#like. ok really I think he could easily just be trying to gage exactly how much he hurt her#this isn't even that bad y'all are dramatic🙄#don't ask me about silena idk anything about that. kronos was probably in charge there anyway
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I like him a normal amount (lying) (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#Was I about to type ''Helix Mainfic'' in reference to these wh - I mean Technically but???#Anyway lol#Couple'a random Max's to start <3 Love him#So some of these were made with my .5 and some with my .3 - can you guess which ones? :3#The first one and the last two (and of me lol) were my .5 - the inner three are .3 ♪#You know it's gotten bad when it's not even an Idea necessarily just Want To Draw Pretty - I'm familiar with that pft#He's pretty tho! Love Max ♥#Man if Max's snap had come in the form of Fight rather than Flight - he's a twig but I doubt Anyone would've come out of that unscathed#Anger can make a monster out of almost anybody haha#Pretty boy ♥ My .3 is so fun for soft detailing! And Max is pretty much all soft details lol#Cryings ah </3 Dexter's mention of Max's emotions in his meetup with ZEX got me thinking!#Sadness really does trend low on the emotions he's willing to express in company - even when Dex has seen him cry before - like here#It was out of anger so much more than sadness - no wonder he was spooked by ZEX's sudden grief! Max is fairly private with sadness#Or at least he turns it into anger if he's backed into a corner - drinking by himself and making things harder for everyone else haha#And finally his and Dex's difference in the retelling of the story!! Hehe ♪♫#Since I first read Helix I've been under the impression that what Max told Katherine was - well - how he described it lol#A kind of self-deprecating joke at his own expense - thus his confusion at her reaction of seeming hurt#But that's not what he said at all! That's not even close to how he told it!! Hahaha ♪ Biased narration <3#I even got a second opinion and we shared the same interpretation so it wasn't just a matter of failing to pick up his meaning hehehe Max!#He's so rude ♥ Terrible man ♪ He's the worst <3
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.
#ok so mini rant session#i am doing a bit better today - little less distraught over getting fired from a job i thought i was doing pretty good at and i was trying#really hard and genuinely enjoying#and just more baffled because truly i had no warning and i was completely blindsided#i was in the middle of a 3 month trial and i would have a review at the end in which i would be offered a permanent position if it went well#and i thought i was making my way towards that! granted i was still making mistakes but genuinely not of such a great scale i thought it#called for my immediate dismissal#that being said i was still VERY MUCH IN TRAINING. i had only been there A MONTH AND A HALF learning COMPLETELY NEW SYSTEMS#and i was told that i had been there a few weeks already and that i wasn’t catching on quick enough. that there were some areas i was#understanding and others i just simply wasn’t#and i asked what areas specifically so that i could learn more and try harder#and they didn’t give me a specific answer.#ok and so. so. i have this insecurity.#that at first impression people will like me. that they may think i’m pretty or kind or funny or whatever#but then they spend time with me or get to know me and realize that that’s all bullshit.#that i’m actually not pretty and im mean and loud and selfish and lazy and rude and etc etc etc#MASSIVE fucking insecurity in that like that’s why i genuinely don’t have friends or a significant other#and that genuinely i’m just a Bad Person#and when i was fired? i was told ‘a persons true colours show after a few weeks’#so that’s MAJORLY fucking me up.#when i was hired i was boasted to about my boss’s hiring process and how she’s ’only been fooled twice’#and the morning before i was fired in a meeting my supervisor told everyone that i was doing quite well.#so yeah i truly had no fucking warning. at fucking all.#hurt and confused and angry and baffled and did i mention hurt#anyways if you’re still here i’m sorry i know this is not a good look for me
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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Huh.
Now I'm confused. It was asserted very confidently to me that this has been thing since "at least" when a current 24 year old was in elementary school, but the trend appears to have originated in 2018. how can a 24 year old adult in 2024 have been in elementary school in 2018? By my count, she would be 18. (I apologize sincerely if she was, in fact, still in elementary school at 18 years old. There's nothing wrong with that, it just makes that framing confusing.)
Something isn't adding up here, mathwise. I'm now not convinced I deserved the level of vitriol I received in defense of something that isn't even true based on something I never said in the first place.
#I don't want to start shit.#but I admire this person for sticking to firm boundaries about respectful engagement#and you know what?#their behavior towards me was disrespectful and unwarranted.#even if I was wrong and they were right about the blue pumpkin thing.#I just wanted to correct the record on that in case anyone else was wondering.#now I'm really going to sleep.#Hopefully all of us will be cooler and more objective in the morning.#I don't hold aggression or vindictiveness against him#I just. would like to be treated with respect.#(re I don't hold feelings of aggression or vindictiveness towards the person)#we're all on edge#and I hope that you understand that I can say “hey this was hurtful and uncalled for” isn't an attack it's just. the truth.#sorry again for the compulsive overexplaining#this just happened to hit my exact triggers which is nobody's fault except the asshole who abused me 15 years ago#I'm genuinely not angry I'm just hurt and confused#don't buy from nerdykeppie#revise: admired#past tense
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i saw her friend today and in a way i think it really ehlped cuz she was the one who was being so kind and like 'how are you doing i know this must be hard but i still want to be friends' and it really touched me cuz iw as stressed cuz i was paranoid they were talking shit about me or smth. she also told me she was also shocked when she found out that she broke up w me so i guess it feels good knowing im not the only person kept in the dark i guess but its like if its something she couldnt even tell her friends about then what made her do it. cuz when i asekd her friend 'did she ever seem concnerd about the relationship or anything' her friend was like 'no.... not.... not really?' which idk if i fully believe but i dont think she was totally lying cuz she did seem to at least consider it. so if she wawsnt lying then i still dont understand what compelled her to dump me
#and i mean this is a friend shes CLOSE with. like super close with#and yeah there is the possibility shes lying just to keep her privacy which i understand but still like the fact even she was shocked when#she found out she dumped me ?? like that has to mean something#however when i asked 'how is she doing' her friend was like 'shes alright' and idk why but that kinda hurt#and idk if she was just saying it cuz maybe she thought it would make me feel better or if she didnt want to give too many details#or if she really truly was doing 'all right' but like what the fuck do you mean shes doing alright#like am i seriously sobbing on 1am walks around campus because i miss her and shes just doing alright????#like what the fuck#i really hope its mor ethan that because thats actually goign to break me#hres teh thing though like i dont doubt that she felt some sort of emotion cuz she was crying when we broke up and our entire relationship#she was so genuine about all of it but its also that annoying part of me thats like did she ever care#because how was she the one to tell me she wanted a relatoinship with me and how was she the one to tell me 'i love you first'#only to dump me not even 5 months later??? i just dont fucking understand any of it#im so fuckign confused about it all#all i can even hope for is that somehow she realizes she messed up and comes back to me and ill take her back immediately man#but she dosnt seem the kind to do that#i just wish i understood why she didnt want to give us even a CHANCE to fix whatever issues she thought we were havign#CUZ SHE NEVER EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ANY ISSUES!!!! SO I DONT UNDERSTAND#LIKE SHE BROKE UP W ME OUT OF THE BLUE!!!! NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ANYONE???#unless her friend is lying when i asked about whether she seemed concerned#but still
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