#which might take like weeks
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I'm so tired
#i think my body hates me because I've been having problems taking care of myself for the past week or so#since i got covid#and on top of that I've been stressed about the election and about the new mcr announcement#and then upset that i wont be able to see the new tour#and upset that mcr is hiding information#i just want to feel normal again#but i probably have to eat more than one meal a day for that to be true#but i haven't been able to go out and get food for myself and my parents have seem to forgotten i need to eat#and i don't have any masks yet so i have to wait for those to get here#which might take like weeks#so idk. i guess I'm screwed.#tw vent
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invisible scars (referenced previous talkĀ here)
[ID: A colourless, digital Trigun comic of Vash and Wolfwood talking about Wolfwood's scars. They're both laying in bed and topless. Vash lays on top of Wolfwood, playing with the rosary around his neck. Then, Vash kisses a spot on Wolfwood's chest. Wolfwood asks, "What are you doing?" Vash smiles sadly, "You got shot here. In the last town we visited. You didn't even bother moving."
Vash props himself up over Wolfwood, who frowns slightly. Wolfwood is quiet for a moment before he says, "You remember that, huh?" Vash grabs Wolfwood's left wrist and brings it to his face. "And here." He kisses another spot there. "When you helped free the hostages from that robber..." Wolfwood dismissively says, looking away, "Was a lucky shot." Vash huffs, āDonāt brag. Jeez.ā
Half of Wolfwood's expression is shown, eyes returning to Vash who is now sitting up, continuing to say, "And..." Vash goes on and kiss Wolfwood's right palm. "You got cut here, even though that girl was aiming at me." A moment from the past flashes, of Wolfwood grabbing a knife aimed at Vash, his hand bleeding.
At present, Vash moves down and puts another kiss on Wolfwood's right shoulder. "And here, from watching my back." Another memory flashes of Wolfwood and Vash back to back. Vash looks back as Wolfwood grins while holding Punisher, bleeding from multiple gunshots in his shoulder.
"And," Vash combs up Wolfwood's hair to reveal his forehead, "Here." A final memory shows Wolfwood with a regeneration vial in his mouth while getting shot on his temple. The next panel is framed in blood with Vash at the center, eyes wide and stunned in horror. The next panel is a closed up shot of Wolfwood's eye, locked on Vash's face.
Back to present, Vashās head is bowed down as Wolfwood raises a hand to his nape and says, āSpikey.ā
Wolfwood looks serious and frowns as he says, "We talked about this. Those were my decisions. They're not there anymore. Forget about them." Vash looks very sad before he smiles ruefully and says, "I still see them. All the time." He leans down so they touch foreheads. Wolfwoodās sorrowful expression can be seen as Vash says, "You protect so much. I could never forget what you've done to me. And many others..."
In the last image, they're drawn more cartoonishly. Wolfwood sweats and asks, "You don't actually remember every wound, right?" Vash points at a spot on his chest. "Kuroneko left a scratch here 7 times." Wolfwood, startled, says, "Why the hell are you keeping countā" End ID]
Credits for ID here and here
#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#another scars comic for one of the vw week days!!!! frankly i think about their scars WAY too often . most notably wolfwood's because#it really symbolizes a lot for him imo bc for vash it's a history of all the people that's ever harmed him betrayed him and the trust he has#given to humanity despite it all. its a beautiful reflection of his character and then u look at ww and presumably#since we dont really see him half naked Ever (shame) and i mean. i guess technically its a hc -- i assume he wouldn't have any scars bc#of the regen potions (which is why he doesnt have his t scars btw the regen pot took them away :pensive:)#in a way its like washing his hands of blood. giving him the body of someone who might never been involved in a fight never held a gun#but he knows thats not true yet he cant really do anything about it anyway bc he's still just human. if he stops taking the regen pots#he can't press forward. so its just a rinse and repeat and growing accustomed to whats inflicted on him because he knows it'll go away at#the end of the day. he's human but he's also not he's far beyond what could be considered a normal human but he still just is.#mortal but also not immortal. idk. i overthink about it a lot GMSKGMDK frankly i dont think it matters THAT much in the context of trimax#but it means a lot to me somehow. also thinking about how no matter how many times ww kills he's never numb to the sensation of it. maybe#the adrenaline gets to him for the beginning half but ive been rereading like.. vol 3? and that entire fight for ww#u can slowly see him spiral as he keeps on going on. anyway anyway. i love ww#ruporas art
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some WIPs from the 80s AU i never finished
#soā¦ hi#i thinkā¦. i might start making some stuff here soon#iāve been gone a lot longer than i intended to be#& i feel a lil bad about it bc i really miss my boys & bein here & all that but#idk itās just been a rough month#but iām starting to get the itch to create again#i have a very silly idea for the mbz AU#i also just really want to draw some stuff#i miss making things. iām going nuts. iāve hardly done anything fun in WEEKS#iāve sort of started working on some new OCs but ngl#doing anything that doesnāt involve dhes or kel genuinely feels like iām betraying them#but i have a concept that i really want to explore so thatās what iām trying to do#i have been working on a few AUs here & there too but#but mostly nothing fun#i need to do something fun while i still can bc iām starting at uni next month#& i just know iām gonna have shit for free time then#iām taking all in person classes which makes me very nervous#iām trying to be excited about it but mostly itās just causing me anxiety lol#but anyway. um. yea. hopefully iāll catch up on everything & reply to the tags/asks iāve gotten since iāve been gone#if i reply to something you said/sent to me a month agoā¦ pls just act like thatās not weird. thanks.#rainyrambles
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also may be not-online very much for the next week or so because 1: trying to get stickers out 2: that body pain has Arrived With the Cold and 3: the dreaded horror of family obligation holidays but I'll try to queue up posts and asks and art and stream when im home
#sara shush#i might open comissions later this week and work on bre and galas#and take more because holiday and also i need a heater#arson is currently being used as my heater and he's unironically working like i legit dont have one otherwise in this room and all i do is#have a game afk in the background and he does pretty decent#i also spurged and bought a heated blanket which will arrive soon#yippie
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litany of the martyrs (click for better resolution!)
#at some point i wanted to make an illustration for each character but in retrospect maybe each is multiple song-coded..#drew the sketch for a quincy thing after a chat with a mutual reminded me this song existed dfsghjkl and then spent weeks rendering this#quincy cynthius martin#adamandi#i'm finally done with this! the saints especially were joys to paint and the halo a menace.... this has been the most ambitious one so far.#but it also took quite long because i only worked on it <engages with quincy> when mentally okay to deal with the themes. i'm not religious#but i do identify with the irrational(?ish) guilt + family legacy + academic achievement + disregard for self. also more complex thoughts#about love [but depsite quincent being a large part of quincy's character this piece deals with mostly the Rest of it. so another time..]#anyways! in the original sketch- the saints had heads bent towards quincy so the halo spikes pointed at him. but this worked better! halos#of the saints implying/creating one for quincy was a concept from the start though. in the show they don't touch him directly here but#differences in mediums i think- i don't have time in an image to craft a narrative so everything has to be happening. also artistic liberty#misc inspiration for this includes stained glass windows. i might have maybe misinterpreted the saint costume but i think i logic-ed it out#as the cloth part following a nun's habit w the hood. and then halo above. the material is also more transparent originally but i had. um.#too much fun painting fabric folds.. if you look closely you can see the basis of faces though behind the cloth; but only the vague shapes#because smth obscurity + inhumanness// cassian is the only one i gave a mouth though. that stems from melliot's post about the saints and#st cassian as spokesperson (<- did research teehee!) that's also how i found out which costume = which saint. speaking of which.#left to right: 'st lucy take my hand' // 'st lawrence give me strength' (presses quincy forward; but hand on shoulder connotates guidance)#/'st cassian help me smile' (quincy's mouth is btwn a grimace and a smile; tilts up at side. also no direct touch bc added insidiousness.)#//'st jude [...] i hope your causes burn' (jude's hand is in two places to show movement- nearing the flame and then snatching back; burnt)#other notes: at the midst of the flame the core is shaped like a human heart /the saints and their wax are all melting like the candle for#fun visual effect and also this way they are even less tangible <real>. perks of painting as a medium i guess. // also insp from icarus?#wax and burning imagery; looking at the halo and rays as parallel to sun that burns. too close to the sun; melting; hurting; hurtling //#candles at bottom are a nod to the frankly gorgeous set// also the entire composition kind of stems from the lyric <what use is a candle if#both ends aren't burning>; the two sides between the concepts of catholic guilt and academic perfection that spur quincy#the halo above (saints and guilt; litanyofthemartyrs) and the 'halo' below (academic papers; insp from choreo for perfect at school)#the papers were originally supposed to be more glowy. but i like the idea of it now being a reflection of how quincy's priorities shift#also of note is that <candle> in centre = quincy; w burning candle + aforementioned heart in flame -> most human; idea of love + passion#last thoughts: kneeling + hands close tgt = prayer //wax dripping onto the red As make an effect that looks like blood. because i like#hiding that within the adamandi pieces :OO continuity!! // i've run out of tags but yeah! had fun with this one! every so often i go a#little insane in making art and the final result astounds even me. ngl i'm quite proud of this one. pretty colours <3333
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#fĆ«anor#maedhros#my art#silmarillion#the brainrot continues i'm afraid. yes i'm aware of how much feanor&maedhros stuff i've drawn and written here in the past couple of weeks#i too am horrified. not surprised though#fĆ«anor & maedhros#why so many floral ornaments on their clothes? they're noldor! you might ask. and you would be completely right#i have no idea what i'm doing#i have a very limited fantasy i just copy the ornaments from whatever clothed i find on pinterest and like#i DON'T enjoy thinking ohhh what kind of clothes and ornaments would these characters wear if we take into account their culture and the we#ther (which we know nothing about) their individual personalities their character arcs and symbolism the parallels between them and the oth#r characters. i DON'T care!!!!! and i can't just leave their clothes unadorned. so here we are#i say if the clothes match the characters vibe ā great amazing good lovely. if they don't ā fantastic splendid beautiful wonderful
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Trademark: Top-tier Bucktommy writer + generally Cool + getting Buck pregnant
Thank you + thank you + thank you!
#i really do keep meaning to write some actual mpreg fic but it keeps getting swept away by other ideas#like the alien invasion fic i'm dying to write#where tommy gets called to fly against them while the lafd is busy on the ground trying to save lives amid the chaos#and they get word that the entire ragtag squadron of which tommy was a part gets wiped out#buck is so devastated he just shuts down and works himself nearly to death trying to save people trying to make tommy's sacrifice worth it#in a week LA is in ruins and the 118 is barely holding on when they get word that another wave of alien ships is headed their way#they know this is it and just as the ships crest the horizon -- there's one ship that suddenly breaks formation and turns on the others#completely stunned the 118 watches as the ship guns down half of the others then leads the rest on a wild chase#and then eddie shouts 'those are american military flight maneuvers! whoever's flying that thing is on our side!'#buck thinks about the first time he visited the harbor station and he'd jokingly asked everyone for dirt on tommy#and tommy's teammate nico was like 'i don't know about dirt but i can tell you right now: that guy can fly literally anything'#buck watches this one ship attempt the impossible while bobby's on the radio telling anyone who might be listening#that one of their own has commandeered an enemy ship and is holding off the next wave and needs immediate support#eventually the ship lands clumsily on a crumbling rooftop and buck runs up a hundred flights of stairs and bursts onto the roof#just in time to see tommy come stumbling out of the ship -- obviously having been through it and like missing an eye or something#and when tommy sees buck his face just crumbles and buck's already sobbing as they limp-run at each other#crashing together crying and laughing and buck slides to the ground clutching tommy while the rest of the 118 pile onto the roof#and they watch a squadron of f-15s descend from the clouds to take out the straggler ships and it feels like the tide is turning#yeah it's basically independence day but with 2000% more angst
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i got an email today from my uni that was sent to all students from the faculty i'm in and it's a job offer for a project from the uni's school museum where they catalogue and analyze old school note/exercise books from 1820-1950s and...idk i should probably apply right??? They're not even asking for a CV (mine would be empty), how often do you get that lmao. And it's only 6 hours a week, starting this October and the project is supposed to last 3 months and there is a possibilty of the museum hiring you for longer. And i mean, if it sucks i guess i can push through the 3 months? should i do it ahhhh my panic brain is screaming but it's not often that there is a job offer that is that nice
#i have to take a pic in which i dont look like a huge idiot for the application and tell them why i want the job which is doable i guess#i mean the photo part will be difficult lol#it could very well be that i wont get the job anyway although it fits my studies very well so that might be a bonus point in their eyes#i'm just so nervous i never had a job if you dont count the two trial days in a restaurant & a drug store where i was constantly on the#edge of a complete panic#but I SHOULD DO THIS RIGHT????? I SHOULD DO THIS!!!!!!#i've really heavily considered applying for a shitty job these past weeks and now this that's a sign lmao#although i will start studying full time next semester and then a job on top will be hard but many ppl do it so i can too#also reading through real ppls school note books from 19th 70-200 yrs ago is pretty cool
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I think Iām going to cry
#ao3#ao3 writer#ao3 comments#no joke#I got teary eyed#itās just so sweet#and it made my whole week#sometimes I feel like my end notes are a bit much#and I ramble#but I like taking yāall through my experience when writing#like my thoughts#or my original idea that might have changed#I love being able to share that#and I know some donāt read it#just keep scrolling#which is fine#and okay#no hard feelings#but to know that there are some that like my end notes#makes me happy
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every day im reminded that though my parents may have wanted a dog they clearly did not want to take care of a dog
#and i KNEW this which was why i insisted on not getting dogs though they keep trying to gaslight me#into thinking that i agreed on the dogs. i didnt and i wish id railed against it harder#because ill be honest i knew i didnt want to take care of a dog i wasnt in the headspace#but i also knew that if they got the dog that the actual caring duties would be foisted off to me#and the things that They would have to do ie go to the vet nd pay the bills etc theyd complain about and avoid#and thats one thjng. but oh my fucking god. my dad specifically#its like hes trying to get these dogs to die. we have several plants in the backyard#bad for dogs. i point them out. i have pointed them out Several times.#theyre his plants the gardens his thats none of my things. he just goes oh they wont get into them#THEYRE DOGS. but he doesnt want to move his fucking plants#one of the dogs is on medicine but has a habit of not eating his food in the morning#which means if u leave his medicine in hjs bowl the other dog might eat it#one solution is to give him the tablet straight. because hes good about eating it#he doesnt want to because 'thats gross'. Are you five fucking years old#the dog doesnt like the texture of dry food so another solution is to wet it#dad wont do that either because 'hes too spoiled' and 'it takes time' ONE MINUTE?????????#like i have to assume this is some kind of ploy to make me do it instead when i dont wake up that early#because if its not then hes truly just incompetent or doesnt care about the dogs#which brings me back to WHY DID YOU GET THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.#im sick of having to worry about them when he just does shit like this its wasting my time and its wasting money#but ohhhh we dont want to give the dogs away theyre part of the family š„ŗ#CLEARLY. because apparently u wanted kids but didnt want to take care of them either!!#im pissed off!!! im tired!!!!!!!!#i need to know im not going batshit here for being pissed off!!!!!#the dogs are getting back to back problems and at least some of it would have been mitigated by oh.#i dont know. the bare minimum?????#at least if the plants had been taken care of i wouldnt have to wonder if theyd just gotten into them#or if its an actual problem like a mass or bite. but no now i dont know#and at this rate were going to waste money going to the vet every fucking week
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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I feel like being in the Port Mafia was bad for Dazai in the same way that being in the bath house was a bad thing for No-Face in Spirited Away.
Likeā¦that scene towards the end of the movie where Chihiro takes No-Face to see Zeniba, and No-Face calms down and starts spinning and knitting, entirely peaceful? And No-Face decides to stay with her because itās a better environment for him, one which wonāt encourage his worst tendencies? Thatās kind of what the agency is for Dazai. Dazai tends to reflect the people around him just as much as No-Face doesāwhich is why I think being around Fyodor 24/7 in the current arc has not been a good thing for him, mentally speaking. But in the agency Dazai is surrounded by kind people, and he changes and becomes a bit better, just like Oda thought he would.
#this might be a connection other people have drawn already lol#but they really are rather similar characters right?#Mori said he saw himself in Dazai#but I kinda wonder if thatās because Dazai mirrors whatās around him.#unlike a large portion of the rest of the cast(especially the antagonists) Dazai doesnāt have high-minded motivations#and as Oda said he doesnāt care about morality.#which is very similar to No-Faceātheyāre both neutral entities who are primarily motivated by their connections to other people.#No-Face had Chihiro and Zeniba to pull him out of destructive cycles#while Dazai had Oda and the agency.#anyway donāt mind me itās been a long week and Iām experiencing thoughts#...here's a cursed concept: Dazai rampaging through the PM like No-Face does on his way out of the bathhouse aksdfjksdfjks#throwing up all of his bad influences as he goes#or alternatively: dazai takes up knitting#bsd#bsd dazai#not art
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I'm pretty aromantic but I know how people in love feel because I haven't gone to shul and I won't be going to my class this week and I'm feeling like this
#jumblr#jew by choice#jewish conversion#personal thoughts tag#i'm still angsty about missing shabbos services last shabbos#screw my place of work :///#i'm missing class this week to travel to see a friend which is GOOD. i just also miss my community#and i'm so paranoid that they might think i'm taking advantage of their kindness or that i'm wishy-washy about judaism as a whole#i compare this to people around me in love because my buddies will be like 'I HAVEN'T SEEN MY PARTNER IN ONE DAY š¢š¢ššššššš'#and i find it funny and charming. you don't need breaks from people?????? you don't like solitude????? wild.
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Marvel writer: Then Wade get involved with monsters! Andā
Me:
#Who tf thought this was a good idea#by fuck sake ANY Deadpool fan liked that? I can't believe it#reveal yourself there's no way absolutely no way#āWade joining monsters because of his face or whateverā I am going to steal your computer#I am going to call google docs and prevent you from using I am going personally install Microsoft of any eletronic you might have#Deadpool#why was this a thing#'sure let's put this torturer and cancer survivor along with monsters because he looked *like that* huh?#the only person that *might* had taken something valuable out of this was Wong and even so I have to admit it was like seeing someone#take the wrecks and try to fix it with the little time they had#and I might confess#it was good? But still it wasn't good *enough*#I do trust Alyssa work better than any recent writer by the simple fact that they like him. Like ALOT it is clear how much they like him as#a character and respect him. But I am not so sure they were interested in making a important arc of him and set space for a new and better#direction or just pretty much self indulge and fanservice their way out of it. Which I am going to be honest by the level of writing Wade#received I can respect *at least that* and their OC was compelling instead of *gesture vaguely of hot woman self insert of the week that#looks wearily similar to Syrin.#likeā Just use Syrin it's the same arc ITS THE SAME ARC#Wade Wilson
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out of curiosity, which outfits did you find interesting (despite the theme) this year?
Everyone who dressed up like Lagerfeld's cat was doing their damndest to infuse some artistic interest back into what's meant to be an over-the-top art museum costume gala, and bless them for it
Apparently this is Doja Cat. Good job, Doja Cat. You will be spared the Snake Pit For Low-Effort Millionaires.
And the folks who in other ways tried to do something eccentric and elaborate despite the theme basically being Here Is An Excuse To Dress Boring For The Met Gala
I do not know enough about Lagerfeld's work to know what this has to do with the most recent Sketchy Yet Famous honoree, but Janelle Monae at least looks Artistic And Weird. Good for her!
Thank the gods for Lil Nas X.
Google says this is Met Gala co-chair Michaela Coel. The placement of the "pasties" and fringe-looking "skirt" beading remind me of Josephine Baker, but that's probably just my very specific frame of reference. Either way, love it!
I need to catch up on What We Do In The Shadows. Anyway, Harvey Guillien is fast cementing himself as one of the few Men Who Understand The Assignment every year.
As is tradition, my sister sent me JChas' look, and as seems to be tradition, it was a lovely and very Safe dress that I'm sure had something or other to do with the theme. That being said, I do think that shade of blonde makes her look like a mom who exclusively dresses little Brynleigh-Aynn in taupe:
Solid! Possibly going to yell at a Whole Foods employee for not having the organic vegan gluten-free water brand she wants, but only after she's acquitted of her rich husband's murder.
#met gala 2023#long post#I like looking at Jessica Chastain any day of the week but my sister misunderstands how interested I am in her non-CPeak activities#she seems nice enough and refreshingly private for a celebrity. most of her filmography isn't my thing though#I considered taking a weekend trip to NYC to see friends and also A Doll's House but it's a minimalistic modern production. which. meh#still might? my primary thought has been 'would it be rude to ask her to sign my copy of Art of Darkness at the stage door' though#regardless! always down to admire a gorgeous lady in a cool dress. and judge said cool dress.
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Reading Guards! Guards!: oh ahah funny fantasy book. Look at all those tropes being parodied! Iām having a good time
Reading Night Watch: my brain is getting rearranged in my skull. This is the most profoundly thoughtful and emotional fantasy book Iāve ever read and it will henceforth impact every book I write starting now
#the watch discworld#discworld#guards guards#night watch#not to dismiss guard guards it is a genuinely pleasant book to read#and you do need to read all the watch books to get the full impact of Vimesā character development#but also WOW night watch really is all that huh#I vaguely feel like I need to take a week off work for my health or at least until I emotionally recover#which might be never#as they said in the old tumblr parlance#i cant even
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