#which might be weird I know
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#writing fanfiction#ao3 writer#fic writer#fanfic writing#fic authors#spn fic#destiel fic#rpf fic#but not only#writers from every fandom can participate#let's spread the shit out of that one#I'm counting on you guys#tumblr polls#fanfiction polls#fanfic poll#fic poll#I personally would not read some of the fics I write#which might be weird I know#maybe I'm the only one#I actually want to know#that's why I made this poll#my destiel fanfic
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.
you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"
and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.
it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.
you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.
in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.
the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.
you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.
after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.
the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.
you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.
#warm up#writeblr#this is also about being ace btw#my identity has slowly shifted over time and maybe if everyone is REAL cool i'll talk bout it#bc it's complicated and nuanced. but this is like#trying to warn u that if you find it “relationship upkeep” to have sex with ur partner#and don't actually enjoy it or seek it for urself. u might just not be attracted to them.#which is fine ! ace ppl can be perfectly happy in any relationship they feel good in!#but also i wasn't as straight as i had expected!#> the first time i saw dick i was like. huh. oh okay that's fine i guess#> the first time i saw pussy i was like. WAIT ACTUALLY HANG ON I GET IT#i just assumed sex wasn't all it was cracked up to be ya know#but also like. btw? this IS NOT saying ''u might be gay not ace''#bc tbh i'm grey ace/demisexual#it's saying u might not be into ur partner. explore urself & ur feelings. turn inward.#TAKE THIS IN THE MANNER IT WAS MEANT> GENTLE AND KIND#AND NOT IN A WEIRD INTERNET WAY PLEASE#bc the truth is that there ARE ppl who are gay who assume that they just ''don't like'' sex#and ace ppl who might need a different partner w/different needs#and i would have REALLY needed to hear ''check in w/urself about if u actually like sex''#WAY EARILIER in my life. but nobody said anything bc they assume if ur having sex. u like it.#not just the actual act of sex. not once ur turned on. do you ACTUALLY like it. or is it a burden?#even if ur gay. check w/urself. maybe ur more ace than u realized. in which case. ADDITIONAL FLAG BB#i love collecting my flags. i'm at like 354 at this point#but also btw this is about how toxic relationships are SO normalized that u can be in one#and have everyone around u being like ''THATS JUST MEN LOL''
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"So what's the weirdest possible first (second) impression Loop could make on the party in postcanon?" "Yeah, that, probably."
+ Bonus
theyre just standing there in direct party order while this happens. normal tuesday.
#its not even purely aggression or a powerplay or anything i think they just fucking panicked and had to shut them up somehow#anyway . fluff reunion? angst reunion? how about just weird as fuck reunion. KEEP EM GUESSIN#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat fanart#in stars and time fanart#isat siffrin#isat loop#sifloop#hello again sifloop nation i bring you weird fucking takes once again#this sure is a different tone to the last thing i put in the tags huh? KEEP EM GUESSIN BABEYYYY#lucabyteart#in stars and time act 6 spoilers#anyway this is a truncated & amped up version of my headcanon reunion. which is to say loop sits on the edge of camp waiting to be noticed#& after what would be far more rambling than ive put here siffrin almost calls them that and loop stops them + makes it clear thats secret#but loop has had to travel some distance to get to them + has been stewing about it. knows they stopped existing for a while and came back#doesnt know why. blames it on siffrin. might not even have been them or a wish. but they jump to conclusions and have time to get mad#then like TWO SECONDS after they have this weird standoff reunion its RIGHT BACK to being buddy buddy and overly familiar with them.#just ultra confusing for the party. as confusing as humanly possible.
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Sam and Evans relationship is so special yet so simple and it really just is that Sam treats Evan like he's normal and Evan treats Sam like she's serious
#My post#misfits and magic#sam britain#evan kelmp#To be clear they should kiss in the moonlight about it#danielle in the talkback like: no one takes sam seriously not even her actress#which is like. Sam is so socially intelligent so every moment someones treating her like an idiot she knows!!#Like i think this comes out in hilarious ways where sam is like am i weird for not having murdered? Like its a bit#But its also the unquestioning legitimacy evan might have to normal#In a way like. Is a unique relationship to a boy who is very strange
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i’ve been thinking about the pokémon memes where it’s like playing off of that one quote that’s like ‘truly strong trainers should try to win using their favorites’ and it’s like ‘ok well my favorite is [something blatantly overpowered]’ and it’s got me curious. how many people genuinely love pokémon that also happen to be really strong competitively?
so if you will. pick a favorite pokémon (for any reason! whether it’s cuteness or strength or nostalgia etc. no judgment) then go here https://www.smogon.com/dex/sv/pokemon/ and look it up
(you’ll see something that looks like this. see where it says tier and has some gibberish afterwards? don’t worry if you don’t know what that means but tell me what the letters/words are)
also if there are multiple forms and the distinction matters to you make sure you get the right one lol cuz the tiering can be different
edit: forgot to mention i mean specifically in SV! which is what comes up by default. rip every pokémon that either isn’t in SV (it’ll say ‘national dex’) or used to be better but has since fallen off relative to new pokémon
#pokémon#pokemon#pokeposting#if you want to know what those terms mean#AG stands for anything goes. very few pokémon have ever been in here#the absolute elite. too powerful too broken#Ubers is below that it’s like the normal ban zone where most overpowered pokémon go#OU stands for overused it’s like the ‘standard’ top tier#below that is UU (underused) then RU (rarely used) then ZU (zero used) then PU (this is a pun. pee-yew. because they stink)#LC is little cup which is basically Baby Fight™️ and NFE is not fully evolved so like babies and teenagers basically#and anything with BL (ban list) at the end is like a weird in between state#where they’re too powerful for the tier they were supposed to be in but not good enough for anyone in the tier above them to want to use em#if you’re thinking these are insane ridiculous terms then i agree#slight edit i think i initially got the order of ZU and PU mixed up. so many tiers with negative mean names…#i fixed it in the poll though#that is to say PU is above ZU#and if you’re curious how tiers work. the tier a pokémon is ‘in’ refers to the lowest it can possibly go#but you can use it in any of the higher tiers if you want to (it’s just more likely to get stomped on)#so like if a pokémon is OU that means you can’t use it in UU or RU or NU etc etc#but you can use it in Ubers if you want in addition to OU#most people i believe play in OU bc there’s arguably the greatest game balance#you’re allowed to use powerful pokémon but it isn’t as run wild go crazy no rules as Ubers#i mean even Ubers has rules but. fewer of em#AG has only one rule and that’s ‘you can’t force a standstill endless battle’ lol. otherwise it’s the wild west#OU is popular bc it’s a fine mix of rules that keep the game fair fun and competitive#and pokémon that are powerful and fun to use in battle#but if you have a different style you might like playing in a lower tier where everybody is super weak#*syndrome voice* but if everyone is weak then no one is…#it’s all about scale it’s all relative#edit: KNEW i was forgetting some nuance. some pokémon are stuck in the past aka not available in SV so they’ll say ‘national dex’ oops
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mira !!! :]
#isat#in stars and time#isat mirabelle#isat spoilers#<- due to act 3 optional content !#the img might be being chewed due to weird canvas size oops ah well#one of these miras is not like the other#one of these miras doesnt belong ASFASFSDAFA#a majority of these are based on things mentioned / that happen in the house cuz i thought itd be fun to draw :D#so like the wilting plant is from gardening room dialogue#the poster with ppl holding hands and sparkly eyes is (i think??) from some SAPSAPSAAP dialogue in one of the first rooms#i tried looking around ISAT to see if it's also in there too but couldnt find it so uh correct me if im wrong if thats NOT an exclusive LOL#side note the 2 in the poster are some old nuz ocs isatified ASDFASFA#funnily enough tho they are from 2 different games if they actually ever met they would hate each others guts i think. hmm...#however both are also the most qualified to help with promotional stuff so theres that ASDFAFA#mira looking at her bonding proposals is sorta on the tin but#the fact that she has like right next to her while she sleeps in her dresser makes me :(#cuz to me it potrays how much theyve been weighing over her cuz of how close shes been keeping them with her vs putting them on a bookshelf#or something idk if that makes sense i dont have proper words atm#but uhhh moving on chalkboard is from one of the optional events#which i think is! important!!! i dont think ive seen many ppl talk about it but!! yeah!#however i too do not have words on it atm but!!! yeah!!!! moving on for now!#the 'mira' that is really just the change god is ofc from the change god event :]#aaand ofc the iconic finish from mira towards the king#and then some misc miras with swords for funsies tbh ASFAFA#but yeah! i like mira a lot actually but as with many things i do not currently have many words to properly articulate *why*#all i know in my heart of hearts is that she is near and dear and special to me personally#one day. one day i will be able to gather my thoughts in a cohesive manner but that day. is not today!#anyway tag talk over :]
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The De Nile sisters!
#monster high#monster high fanart#cleo de nile#nefera de nile#monster high gen 1#monster high redesign#artist on tumblr#character design#been working on this for days i needed to hurry up and post it before i started to hate it#this isnt meant to be a redesign of the two pack btw it just made me want to draw them together so i could figure out their styles#it is interesting tho cuz i gave cleo triangle theming and nefera diamond theming#but the two pack does the opposite which made me feel weird#but now i think im right since nefera's cheek gem is literally a diamond#anyway i wanted cleo to have a more casual style where nefera's is always elegant 100% of the time#i know all the mh ghouls are always overdressed but with nefera its on a different level#i might reblog with some more info on how i reimagined them story wise#but for now i'll just say that cleo is in her final year of high school (basically she's 17/18) and nefera is the equivalent of 21/22#my art#sabz art#EDIT: you can tell i haven't posted in a while cuz i completely forgot to add an ID!!#i was wondering why posting this was so quick#its because i was being a forgetful asshole!!! so#id in alt
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"The she-wolf laid into the squires with a tourney sword, scattering them all. The crannogman was bruised and bloodied, so she took him back to her lair to clean his cuts and bind them up with linen."
#asoiaf#asoiaf fanart#lyanna stark#howland reed#my drawings#i wonder how many times i've reread that chapter with meera's story lol#i like this moment esp it's so sweet#and clearly made an impact on howland as he followed ned into the war later.. all the way to the tower#ohhhh you know what now i want a howland and jon interaction. i want them to meet. oh man#asos#anyway i've been in a bit of a slump lately so this isn't great but eh. i've got a few backlogged as well i might upload..sometime#it was super foggy today to the point of not seeing anything which was very cool so i guess that motivated me to finish this#i like weird weather but it should have snowed damn it. there's almost always snow on my birthday so this feels like an ominous sign#also there are odd places in my neighbourhood where tons of crows and rooks and jackdaws gather for whatever reason and i see them on walks#and i always go hmm looks like a feast for crows over there. heh
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some WIPs from the 80s AU i never finished
#so… hi#i think…. i might start making some stuff here soon#i’ve been gone a lot longer than i intended to be#& i feel a lil bad about it bc i really miss my boys & bein here & all that but#idk it’s just been a rough month#but i’m starting to get the itch to create again#i have a very silly idea for the mbz AU#i also just really want to draw some stuff#i miss making things. i’m going nuts. i’ve hardly done anything fun in WEEKS#i’ve sort of started working on some new OCs but ngl#doing anything that doesn’t involve dhes or kel genuinely feels like i’m betraying them#but i have a concept that i really want to explore so that’s what i’m trying to do#i have been working on a few AUs here & there too but#but mostly nothing fun#i need to do something fun while i still can bc i’m starting at uni next month#& i just know i’m gonna have shit for free time then#i’m taking all in person classes which makes me very nervous#i’m trying to be excited about it but mostly it’s just causing me anxiety lol#but anyway. um. yea. hopefully i’ll catch up on everything & reply to the tags/asks i’ve gotten since i’ve been gone#if i reply to something you said/sent to me a month ago… pls just act like that’s not weird. thanks.#rainyrambles
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hot guard summer
#tog#the old guard#andromache of scythia#nile freeman#nicolo di genova#yusuf al kaysani#kaysanova#that's right!!! i might have kicked my art block!! hopefully!! let's not jinx it!!#siggy draws#alternatively titled: WHERE IS THE TRAILER#happy almost-summer!#director's commentary as always:#it's probably too small to see but the vespa has a little engraved name 'Destino' on it#not sure how i feel about joe's look but the poor guy is so hidden behind his husband's shoulders anyway#joe does have a poofy ponytail but it's hard to see#they're probably all chilling in italy between missions and that weird safehouse we have yet to see#nile is absolutely reaching for a gun tucked into the back of her shorts btw. not sure what the girls are looking at#andy is wearing nile's pants and nile is wearing nicky's 90s jacket (which is totally not my actual real life jacket)#you know that man would wear it ok#if the lighting seems a little loud or sloppy it's because i am inexperienced dsfgfds. also my first time attempting bi lighting sort of#i am sad that the lighting erased nicky's sunburned nose dfgfds. just know that it was very pink before#shoutout to my lovely friends who helped me figure out lighting/shadow stuff -- apple and wingodex and captainshakespeare#*damn it accidentally added an e on the end there#thank you for helping me navigate the digital art world beloveds <3#this took my entire day and all of ABBA Gold at least 10 times
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Call this the "I'm hyper-alert for any fracture in my mental health because a good portion of my extended family is either senile or insane"
#--might delete this in the morning actually#just very high and thinking about my family rn#+ I don't know if this experience is common but I feel kinda weird having it online#yeagh I was intimately aware as a kid that i never really got to meet anyone in my family besides my aunt + grandma b/c they're all like.#dangerous#means i spent most of my childhood naturally assuming that i'd be unhinged by this point#which- in retrospect as an adult- i'd guess that *most* of my family is fine. and that most of the ones i heard about were unique cases#but i still got to like. age 20 before thinking to question that and realize that i'd probably be completely fine#so it was weird to be like. ohhhh i probably won't actually be insane or dead by age 24 so. i should probably plan for the future a little#also to have no frame of reference for how normal your mental state is#neway. i will probably delete this soon#if this is relatable to anyone 🤝
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me: finally accepting theres a good chance im autistic and starting to work up the courage to ask my parents to see if i could get a diagnoses but being scared to
my mom: do you ever think you have adhd? if you want to do a screening for add next time your at the doctors you can
me:
#for context im terrified of being the person who sees stuff online and diagnosis themselves and then is wrong#which is why it took me so long to accept im —probably— autistic (bc now i have done research and stuff for it)#and id see adhd things that were relatable but i felt i related more to the autism + self diagnosing both felt weird (for me not in general#but now like. my mom is willing to accept i might have add??#(there was a long talk in between her asking if i ever thought i had it and her saying i could get a screening where we both agreed that#—if i did have it— i didnt have the hyperactive part. hence the add vs adhd thing)#and now that kinda through off my plans because like. what if i do also had adhd. or something#so yeah small crisis woo#i need to actually look i to symptoms and stuff for adhd though#because im not saying anything til i know more about it and if i actually do have a lot of the things#but this also gives me a chance go write about the autism things as well bc i told my mom i would look into the adhd#so now i can hopefully find a way to bring that up#ive mentioned that autism is a spectrum recently which i didnt think she knew before#so progress i guess#wow long rant in the tags whoops#jasper’s posts#moots have some jaz lore i guess
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DAY 71: shy
#codacheetah#isat#loop isat#isabeau isat#isat spoilers#i'll never get over loop being described as 'shy'. what a wonderful image#top one casual remarks from isabeau that cleaves loop's facade#like loop's personality is just a targeted missile to piss siffrin off. they're not at all confident and snarky#they're doing like the physical manifestation of winning an argument against yourself in the shower#second they see the party though Oopsies we're in scary territory. That's your family and they dont know it's you Oops#ok anyways ever since i saw that post i was like damn. this is just how i view loop in party postcanon#for as much as I think they SHOULD go explore around and be their own person for a while i think realistically they would not do that.#theyre going to go be a weird freak hovering around the party and refusing to socialize with anyone but siffrin and theyre gonna feel awful#(read: they're going to antagonize siffrin and it fails tremendously bc now The Rumor Come Out and siffrin knows what loop is doing.)#like loop as much as they can barely stand to even look at isabeau (for instance) i think their claws are sunk far too deep in.#onehats maybe the circumstances are different because there is a gap in understanding. there's no point forcing siffrin to confront the#obvious conclusion that loop is them (and thus siffrin's happy ending nails loop's coffin)#(THIS IS IGNORING TWOHATS PREREQS GOTTEN ONEHATS. BC THATS ITS OWN CAN OF WORMS)#but twohats. idk. for as much as it lets loop release some of their rage and process their feelings a bit. i think it might also be the pus#that makes loop consider their own existence as a person a bit more. theyre not a sponsor->corpse theyre just loop#theyre just somebody who wants desperately. they want to stay with them#theyre still siffrin. if also loop.#i think loop would force themself to reconnect with the party in the same vein as siffrin forcing himself to communicate more.#but of course having conviction and living an experience are not the same thing. so siffrin's going to flounder the emotional honesty thing#tremendously and loop's going to be. blair witching it in the corner.#hey i might have forgotten which post i was writing the tags under. oopsies#idk if these tags are comprehensible at all. i just really want to see loop fail upwards into friendship with everyone
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I'll say that I have been in some fandom with extremely impressive and dedicated artists but consistently some of my favorite artists are ones who technically make 'unimpressive' art to outright loving posting 'low effort' doodles. I love skilled work thats beautiful, but I also deeply admire a freedom from perfectionism and ambition. Sometimes those are just non-complicated but still clearly skilled works, and sometimes thats loving the wobbly simplicity of crude lines vs. rendered beauty. One of my favorite artists back when I was big into Hollow Knight was a korean artist who could absolutely make some extremely beautiful stuff, but many of the pieces I remember most and loved the most looked like this
Even here I know I mentally worked harder to make this imitation than they did for the OG. I can't draw fast and loose, and I like work that is clearly faster and looser than I can do. I envy people who can do things imperfect and carefree. Sometimes thats still very obviously skilled work, sometimes its very stupid doodles that were blatantly done in 30 seconds in mspaint. I don't think its say, disrespectful to love the doodles more than the rendered stuff said artist makes- but my love for it comes from a place that a lot of people wouldn't guess. That is to say, its hard to tell who, why, or when something you make might click with people- and it doesn't take a masterwork for someone to see something in your art as inspiration.
#t.extpost#the artist here is unnamed because they are currently privated on twitter#which is pretty common with korean artists who go on fandom hiatus#but since i dont know I'm just using a recreation#anyway I often intentionally post doodles and simple gags because of these artists#its sort of common in chinese and korean artist circles specifically#and i love it! i riff specifically on these a lot!#but its harder for me to do than you might think! and i still cant be as 'carefree' as many of these kinds of doodles are!#Its sometimes I have to force because my brain doesnt like it. but i want to foster that same free stroke quick doodling alongside my#'pretty' stuff. It sounds weird to say im inspired to try and not care and be 'lazier' but its true#i fucking love doodle artists and I wish i was them
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late night chat
#meeple.png#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii oj#ii mephone4#ii mephoj#not inherently shippy but it is based on the weird gay little version of iii in my head#anyway i think they should've had some kind of summer romance in iii that changes their view on their lives forever#and leaves them haunted by eachother in a way that neither will want to address but it sticks with them#oj is Stuck in his shitty hotel job and kind of caged himself into that the more he insists its Just the way it is and hes fine with it#while mephone has simply gotten used to running away and hiding as much as he can#neither are good coping mechanisms but the kind of experience and perspective they have could be exactly what they need to hear#oj needs to Fucking Quit while mephone needs to let himself find community and let others know him#so he doesn't feel like he Has to run or he Has to do it alone#oj has connections albeit some messier than others#and hes a bit of a bitch but definitely more liked than mephone#and mephone has the If It Sucks Hit The Bricks mentality and the bluntness to get that through to oj#oj also has the perspective of being a s1 vet which means he has a very different view on mephone than others might#and that could do some good in getting through to mephone how his host behavior can negatively affect the contestants involved#mephone views oj as more equal to him as theyre business partners. hes very friendly to him (even if one sided.) he might just listen#sorry if this rant is redundant btw im not reading back any of this HAHA
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