#which might be me thinking too much and being a bit saddened by past fandom behaviors but you know :P

[dootznbootz]

If you can't articulate a thought/comment/compliment, you have to know that reblog is honestly more than enough.

Sometimes I can't articulate my love but I still reblog. Because I want others to feel the joy I felt while seeing the creation. I want the creator to know I felt joy and that I want to preserve that joy on my blog.

A reblog gets me giggling and kicking my feet. A keysmash will make me scuttle around the house in glee.

There's a person behind that creation who worked hard on it. People want to know and hear that their hardwork has meaning and that it deserves to be seen/shared. Likes do not share.

i do wonder what it is that makes people exponentially more likely to reblog low effort shit posts that things people spent several days working on

[ssnowiejo]

(Dropping a little rant; feel free to scroll if this isn't for you. I should be sleeping but whatever.)

When I first became a fan of Joseph back in 2022, I was genuinely rooting for him. I was thrilled when he was cast in AQPDO and Gladiator II,even if those weren't the types of movies I usually enjoy. I wasn't as enthusiastic about FF, since I always felt he had more potential in indie or independent films. Still, I was ready to support him because I was a true fan. There’s a little story I’ve never shared before (but maybe some of you will relate to it before everything with the DC stuff unfolded).

Like many women, I've had my share of terrifying experiences with men, many of which happened when I was a minor, being chased by older men, catcalled, and even touched inappropriately on public transport. These moments left me with social anxiety that only worsened after high school. I wouldn’t leave the house unless I was sure I’d be accompanied by someone I trusted. The idea of going out alone was terrifying. I canceled plans often and sometimes felt ashamed for being “an adult” who was too anxious to leave her own home.

Then, when I became a fan of Joe, I saw photos and videos of him walking around London. I know this may sound silly, but I thought to myself, “He looks so confident. He doesn’t seem to care about walking alone. I want to be like that.” A few weeks later, I worked up the courage to go outside by myself, no friends, no one, just me. It was incredibly scary, but I did it. I even laughed a little, thinking that I did it just because I wanted to seem as cool and carefree as Joe.

I always thought he’d be the type of person who might understand a struggle like that. But after seeing who he chose to date, I can't help but feel disheartened. It makes me wonder if he would laugh at my struggles alongside Doja. It stings and makes me feel a bit insecure, even though I know deep down I was never going to meet him. Yet, the thought that people like him and Doja exist, and that I could cross paths with people who share their mindset, fills me with dread.

This might sound ridiculous to some, but for many years, being a fan provided a sense of safety. I truly believed it would be the same with Joe, I was happy to be a part of his fandom for the past two years. Now I realise that there isn’t any real “safe place” in celebrity culture. It saddens me deeply that people with money, fame, and status often get away with so much. Selfish people who hurt others continue to thrive, while the rest of us have to endure and “just deal with it” because that’s how the world works.

What makes it worse is knowing that, in the end, he really doesn’t care,his fans don’t care, the industry doesn’t care. As long as he and Doja bring in money, they’ll keep thriving. And even if their moment in the spotlight fades, they’ve already secured enough to live comfortably forever.

If they’re still happily together or just hooking up or whatever I just find it so disappointing and disgusting.

I’m just tired, man.

[officerjennie]

Commission for the ever so lovely @bouncyirwin - who spreads joy, happiness, and support as freely and easily as some people breathe (this fandom wouldn’t be the same without you 💜💜💜💜💜)

---

How anyone could so much as breathe without adoration hitching their efforts around her, Shisui really didn’t know.

This wasn’t even the first time this week he’d found himself staring in awe without a word able to escape him. Sakura had a way of making him dumb to the quick wit and playful flirting that usually came as natural as most any other social interaction to him - he’d always been the social butterfly of his clan, berated for it at times and having his hair fondly tousled at others. And yet here he sat, in the corner of the little restaurant Sakura and her team and her team’s families had all crowded into, unable to absorb any of the chatter or whatever joke had Kakashi snickering behind his book or even what had Naruto and the brat arguing this time.

Sakura seemed content enough to sit back and soak it all in as well, pride in the soft smile that graced her lips, a cup of tea cradled in her hand near her chest in lieu of the spirit that many of her companions had chosen to partake in this evening. And who could blame them? Rare was the day any shinobi party could come back unscathed along with their success, and given the tentative peace between Konoha and Kiri could have been destroyed at the smallest misstep their celebration came with relief felt by the entire village.

It warmed him to no end to see her so content and sure, so proud, none of the hesitance that used to haunt her expressions and tense her body anywhere to be found - the kunoichi that had chased and chased after her teammates had long since caught up and surpassed them in so many ways, and even without being privy to the intimate details of her internal battles Shisui could feel emotion trying to choke him.

Gods, but he had it bad, didn’t he? He forced some of his own tea down, looking away from the woman who had no idea she held his heart so tightly in her grip, scrubbing his face with his free hand in an attempt to clear his head. Admiration was one thing - very understandable in this case, given Sakura set the precedent for strong and capable shinobi who could punch a ravine into existence - but they could hardly even be called friends if he was honest with himself. So openly staring at her with his heart in his eyes could definitely count as creepy.

Maybe he needed more hobbies.

“Not really like you to hang out on the sidelines.”

It was a bit embarrassing to be snuck up on like that. He hoped his surprise wasn’t too obvious as he peeked through his hands, finding the woman who’d been occupying his thoughts all night now occupying the seat next to him. Up so close he could see her cheeks were dusted pink, though he couldn’t really tell if it was the chill from the night air or just some blush she’d painted on.

Either way. It didn’t really matter which one it was. All Shisui could really do with the information is filing it under “she’s the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met” and keep the simple image of her tucking some pink hair behind her ear firmly in his mind’s eye for the rest of his days.

“Not a place I’d expect to find you either.” She blinked at his words as if confused, pursing her lips even, so despite how obvious it seemed to him Shisui clarified, “You more the frontline type, right?”

“Ah, yeah, I don’t really care for ‘supporting others’ to mean ‘being left behind.’ But today,” Sakura turned just enough to look over at her teammates, Shisui following her gaze to see Naruto gesturing wildly in horror at something that had Sasuke snickering unashamedly. “Today, I think I’m alright with not being in the middle of them. There are some conversations I’d rather they have without me.”

“What even has them going, anyway?”

“Relationships,” Sakura said, a little too quickly. But she didn’t let the awkwardness stay, her eyes flicking down to her tea which she held between her hands as if her fingers might be cold. Shisui wished he could warm them between his own. “Well, not exactly relationships. More like things people do in them. They seem to find it amusing to list all the people they’ve managed to kiss or make out with.”

With a snort, Shisui said, “I’m guessing they’re both at the top of each other’s lists then?”

He was very glad to see the tiny bit of tension relax right away from Sakura as she laughed, her eyes alight with mirth. “Somehow, they always seem to forget to mention that.”

“Bet you love to remind them.”

“Bet I do.” She flashed him a smile that had his ears heating up, and for the life of him Shisui could not say why it made him feel bold.

Despite how calm people saw him, despite his rather laid back nature, Shisui often found himself tongue tied where feelings were involved. But past his beating heart he somehow managed to not make a fool of himself, his nerves not overwhelming him - perhaps it was simply how welcomed he felt in her presence? How inviting and warm she was even as all she did was sip her tea, simply existing but existing there, next to him, when any number of seats were available next to those she was far closer to. And didn’t that make him feel lucky.

“Do you have a list?”

The gods only knew how he managed to make that sound casual. Even when Sakura’s eyes widened and blinked up at him (he swore his favorite color used to be blue but damn if that shade of green wasn’t going to change that) - and for a terrifying moment he remembered just how easily this woman could demolish any wall that stood in her way. With her fist.

Even if that wall was made with solid concrete, or was, say, a whole ass mountain. He was pretty sure he wasn’t anywhere near as solid as a mountain.

When she chose to not punch him, every single last bone in his body heaved a sigh of thankfully unbroken relief. “No, I...don’t have a list.”

No list? That was a little surprising. “A name, then?” Maybe not the best thing to ask someone, at least not before he was sure she would be comfortable with answering. Shisui was quick to add “Unless it’s a secret or something” - the last thing he needed was to drive her away by pushing into her own personal life.

Though, then again - and something in Shisui rose up in slight saddened panic at the thought - what would he do if she did have a name? A significant other? Itachi was out on another of his long missions, who exactly was he supposed to lean on and eat comfort chocolate with if it turned out his growing crush was, well...crushed, before anything could come of it?

“No. No name.”

It took physical effort to not sag with some sort of relief at her words, but it wasn’t a relief that Shisui had much time to process. Because as much as he wanted a chance with the woman of his dreams, as much as he had wanted to hear that...

“Eh? Really? You?” Shisui found it beyond the realms of possibility that Sakura, of all the people in Konoha, had yet to have her first kiss, and that shock was perhaps a bit too loud in his tone.

Definitely not good for his health and wellbeing. The nerve on Sakura’s forehead was suddenly twitching, and the sharp look she sent his way had him gulping.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, no! No no, nothing- I didn’t mean like that!” He shook his head a little more than necessary, horror dawning on him as he realized his unintentional insinuation. “I just meant- you’re just, well, beautiful! Beautiful and an exceptional shinobi, a damn good medic, and from what Sasuke’s told me in confidence you make a mean blueberry tart. Not to mention you could punch through steel if it offended you.” By some grace of the gods he managed to bit off his rambling there, scratching nervously at the back of his head, almost mumbling as he ended his poor excuse of an explanation with, “I just expected, you know… You might have kissed at least one of the people who admired you.”

The moments of quiet after his words were probably the most terrifying seconds of his life, though by some mercy Sakura did not seem angry. Maybe his apology/explanation was acceptable after all and he wouldn’t have to-

Sakura said something under her breath, and Shisui blinked back out of his thoughts, frowning a little in confusion. “What?”

“It’s just that I…” Her bottom lip caught between her teeth for a moment, drawing Shisui’s eyes. “I’ve never really had an appealing offer. You know?”

Had she always been sitting that close to him? Their thighs were touching and Shisui couldn’t remember when that had happened, but his pulse picked up, the whole of him keenly aware of every inch of her.

And how bad would it be, really, to be buried in the ground by those deceptively slender fingers?

“Would I,” Shisui started, with a smooth tone that belied how his heart beat frantically in his chest, “qualify as an appealing offer?”

A breath. Two. Sakura’s gaze flickered down to his lips as hers parted the barest bit - and even before she nodded Shisui knew her answer - though he knew not how he'd been so lucky as to get a yes.

Her hair was soft under his fingers as he cupped the back of her head, her pupils wide as she tilted her chin to look up at him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware that they were not alone, their friends and coworkers laughing and drinking and chattering away not even half a small restaurant away from them, but all of him preferred to focus on Sakura’s hand now coming to rest on his arm, the way she shifted forward as he leaned closer, how intimate it felt to brush their noses together, her breath tickling his lips.

And then their lips met, and the rest of the world fell away.

[nntssy-old]

Time Heals

Written for Writer's Month 2021, Day 12 - Time. 

Fandom: Gintama Characters/ships: Hijikata/Mitsuba, Hijikata/Tae, Hijikata&Gintoki, Kondou&Sachan Word count: 4396 Rating: T? Also on AO3

They say time heals all wounds. If they haven't healed, there hasn't been enough time.

He already left her behind once. But this time was different. There will be no spicy crackers sent to their headquarters every month. There will be no peeking over Sougo's shoulder while he's reading the letter that came with them. There will be no hope that she'll be able to find her happiness one day despite everything. There will be no chance for him to atone for ruining the only chance at happiness she had got.

Every once in a while Hijikata goes to the stash of crackers she had been sending them and takes a pack. The pile is gradually decreasing — he suspects Sougo is eating them too, although he has never seen him do it.

He bites on one of those crackers and thinks about what he could have done differently. About her spending the decade alone in her house, after everyone she knew and cared about left her behind. He could have stayed with her. They could have taken her with them to Edo. They could have found some way to get her a proper medical treatment…

His vision gets blurry, but he blames it on the damn spice. Because he has no right to cry after everything he had or hadn't done.

He finishes the pack by adding some mayonnaise occasionally. Both his eyes and taste buds burn by that time, but he feels a little bit better. For the time being.

*** 

It is the middle of the day, and the chief of the Shinsengumi is nowhere to be seen, but there's some minor thing the vice-chief can't do without him. Knowing Kondou's habits, Hijikata goes straight to the Koudoukan doujo. Next stop would be Snack Smile.

There is always a ladder or something else left near the enclosure wall — usually from the back side of the doujo — that Kondou probably used to get in. This time it's a few crates stacked upon each other. He jumps on them and over the wall easily, and, indeed, here he is — the commander of the Shinsengumi, lying unconscious on the grass, no doubt after being discovered hiding under kotatsu or something. The vice-chief doesn't feel sorry for him one bit — his stalker of a superior had it coming.

After a sigh, Hijikata just grabs at the back of Kondou's jacket and drags him towards the exit.

He has done it a few times before — before Mitsuba's death, that is. But now, for some reason, the situation brings the memories of a more distant past — how he dragged Sougo to the doujo practice back in Bushuu.

Passing by the front side of the doujo, he glances at the porch, and for a moment he sees her — Mitsuba — again. Seeing him away, as she used to back then, and smiling. Startled, he even drops the cigarette out from his mouth.

But as sudden as it appeared, the vision goes away, and it's Otae who is sitting on the porch.

"Good afternoon, Hijikata-san," she says to him with a smile. "Good work, as always." But then her face and tone change to concerned as she adds, "Are you alright? You look pale… like you've seen a ghost."

He might as well has seen it.

Hijikata tries to compose himself again, but all he can muster is a nod in response, not even the usual apology for his superior's behavior. He proceeds with dragging Kondou-san away in silence.

For the next two months, he sends Yamazaki on the dragging-Kondou-back duty.

***

He hasn't been to Mitsuba's grave since the funeral. A good chunk of the Shinsengumi was present then, with Kondo and Sougo doing all the speeches, so he just mixed in with the crowd and didn't stand out much.

He brings her a bunch of her favorite flowers. He didn't do anything like this in her life even once. In retrospect, he probably should have. The flowers are of the wild kind, and while in abundance in the countryside, it's not so easy to find them in a big city. But there aren't many impossible things for Hijikata once he sets his mind on something.

He sets them near the gravestone and looks at her name etched on it. Looks at the dates. Thinks how in between those numbers there is an entirety of human life — her life — even if it was a rather short one. Thinks how one day he too will be reduced to just a name and numbers on a stone — and that's a best-case scenario. Thinks that, if he ever gets a proper burial, he would like for it to be here, next to her.

Hijikata barely suppresses the urge to touch the stone. His throat feels strained.

In a hindsight, he should have probably brought the spicy crackers with him. But there are many things he should have done.

Hijikata leaves without saying a word. But his imagination decides to play tricks on him. Because turning away, he catches a glimpse of Mitsuba in the corner of his eye. She looks saddened.

***

It's late autumn, and they are still a bit shorthanded after the Itou incident, and there's no one brave enough and available to get the chief back, so Hijikata goes himself for once.

He hesitates a little bit before getting over the wall. Like a damn thief. Or worse — stalker.

From here it's the usual routine: locate Kondou-san, grab him, pay respects to the hostess, leave.

Otae is sweeping fallen leaves with a broom near the entrance. He raises his hand in a silent greeting.

"Haven't seen you in a while, Hijikata-san," she says with a smile. But there's something else to it. Hesitance? Concern? Sadness? "I'm sorry… Gin-san told me about what happened… I'm sorry for your loss." She bows her head.

Someone has his tongue a bit too loose.

"There's no need…" he starts, but he's unsure of what to say.

"He also told me that I might have reminded you of her. I'm sorry."

That damn Yorozuya!

It is true that the first time — the very first time — he saw Otae, she reminded him faintly of Mitsuba. But he has given it a thorough thought recently and came to a conclusion that the similarities were rather superficial. Both were in charge of their younger brothers after being orphaned, which made them mature faster. There are also devotion to a proper lady image and a slight similarity in the hairstyles. Also the smile, the kind of which makes your heart skip a beat — although he is pretty sure that with Otae it's because of fear half the time. That's about it. Mitsuba was a delicate and humble woman. Meanwhile, Yorozuya calls the Shimura girl a gorilla woman, and he's… not entirely wrong, as much as Hijikata hates to agree with him.

Kondou lets out some grunting noise breaking a rather awkward silence. Talk about gorillas. He seems to be coming about though, so it is time to leave.

"Apologies for the disturbance," Hijikata says as he turns towards the exit.

"Take care," he hears her voice in response, slightly muted.

***

Next time is less awkward. Or so he thinks at first.

"Hijikata-san, you're dropping the ash all over the place," she reprimands him. 

It startles him a little bit. But luckily, there's no threat in her voice. He's not quite sure what he can do about it though — it's not like there's a—

"Here." She holds out an ashtray towards him. "I keep it for when someone like Otose-san visits."

Hijikata stands there for a moment, holding Kondou by the back of his collar and looking uncertainly at the object, but then taps the cigarette on the edge of the ashtray, while Otae is still holding it.

Somehow, the gesture feels way too intimate.

***

There are usually several bottles of sake stored under a certain loose piece of flooring back at his quarters. They are there in case he needs some time alone to unwind after an especially stressful day. Or to drown away his sorrow and guilt — like in today's case.

Recently he has relied on his stash perhaps way too often. The amount that usually lasted him for months he now drinks up in a matter of two or three weeks. He has forgotten to restock, so right now there is only one half-empty bottle. Not enough to calm all the intrusive thoughts. 

But it's too late into the night, and Hijikata isn't in the mood to go anywhere or deal with anyone, so he will need to make do with what he has. He hopes that it at least will dull the anguish inside of him.

He doesn't even bother with getting a cup, just uncorks the bottle and drinks straight from it.

From the corner of his eye, he can almost see Mitsuba again. She looks concerned. With a hint of disapproval. 

***

This time it is tea.

"Oi, Hijikata-san, would you mind joining me for some tea? I prepared too much because I thought Shin-chan and others were coming, but it seems they're running late. We wouldn't want it all go to waste, would we?" Her voice sounds way too innocent. "Please, I insist."

Otae isn't a woman who will take no for an answer, and he isn't feeling very adventurous today, so he props unconscious Kondou's back against the wall of the doujo, and reluctantly joins her at the porch. The ashtray is already waiting at his side as he sits down.

They do some small talk — well, mostly her — about the weather and the sorts of tea — but otherwise sit in silence, sipping on the hot liquid, watching the clouds pass by. 

It's not uncomfortable. Rather soothing actually.

Perhaps having a calm moment like this wouldn't hurt every once in a while.

***

Next time when Kondou is missing from the Shinsengumi compound, it is right on time for the quarterly reports, and Hijikata is drowning in the paperwork. Reading a particularly lengthy account of accomplishments, complaints, and suggestions from the 1st Division — Sougo apparently does it on purpose — he finally snaps and goes looking for his chief who is supposed to do at least part of this. 

But Kondou is nowhere to be seen at the doujo either. Hijikata has done two circles around the building, checked all the pits, but the usual perpetrator is nowhere to be seen. But Otae is clearly at home today, so her devoted stalker is probably somewhere inside as well. He is starting to lose his patience.

Hijikata cautiously knocks at the main door.

"Excuse me," he starts, trying to suppress the irritation in his tone, but the door slides away too quickly for him to finish, and now he is standing face-to-face with Otae. At a rather close distance. Perhaps too close. He even forgets about being annoyed.

She smiles at him in a greeting, without saying a word, and puts a finger to her lips as in saying "be quiet". The smile on her face is a mischievous one. She gestures for him to go towards the west side of the building. It almost feels like they're accomplices of some sort. But he just wants his chief to get back to work — there's nothing wrong about that. 

As Hijikata follows her directions and goes around the building, she slides the door open there and points under the floor. He squats down and looks under it. It's pretty dark out there, and it takes time for his eyes to adapt.

Once they do, he is able to discern two silhouettes lying on the ground facing each other. Now that he listens carefully, he can even hear some muffled sounds and their muted voices. There's also a faint smell of natto and potato chips.

One of the people hiding under the floor is unmistakably Kondou-san. Another seems to be the Glasses Ninja girl who usually follows Yorozuya around. And they're playing Uno of all things. While Hijikata has been buried in paperwork in a stuffy room back at the headquarters. His blood is about to boil.

"Sarutobi-san..." Otae meanwhile has bent over the wooden flooring to peek under it, her body half-suspended upside down.

The two stalker buddies turn right away. Their faces are pale like they've seen a ghost.

"I wondered why we had problems with rats recently," Otae continues, "but perhaps it is because of all the food crumbs the two of you are leaving around." 

"Kondou-san," Hijikata says in turn, trying to sound polite despite the anger, "if you're feeling bored, there's plenty of reports for you to read back at the Shinsengumi compound." He is grabbing at the hilt of his katana. Otae has already jumped to the ground next to him — he doesn't even ponder on when she has managed to get her naginata. 

But the ninja is fast. She grabs Kondou by the collar and swiftly crawls away in a perpendicular direction. By the time he and Otae catch up to them near the other side of the building, the so-called Sarutobi-san is already jumping over the wall carrying the chief of the Shinsengumi with her arms under his knees and back. 

Hijikata lets out a sigh.

"Any idea where they might have headed?"

~~ Intermission 1 - Sachan ~~

She was hoping to find Gin-san at the doujo today, especially after he loudly proclaimed such an intention yesterday.

But it seems there's only Otae-san now, doing the chores in the yard, not even her brother or Kagura-chan are hanging around. And Sachan doesn't even have any work today to busy herself with.

While thinking of what to do, hanging on the ceiling, she hears a rustling sound from somewhere under the floor. Perhaps Otae isn't completely alone after all.

Avoiding being noticed by the hostess, Sachan crawls under the floor, and indeed, Kondo-san is also on duty today — well, not on his proper duty duty — snacking on some potato chips and watching Otae's feet from afar. She decides to sneak up on him. It is so easy to startle him that she has to forcefully cover his mouth so as to not betray their presence.

"Ah, it's you, Assassin girl," he says in a muffled voice.

"You seem to be bored."

"I'm not bored, just taking a break!"

"Do you want to play some Uno?"

They start playing, but the chief of the Shinsengumi seems to be as unlucky in games as he is in love. Which, of course, gets him frustrated. She occasionally forcibly covers his mouth again to prevent him from getting too loud.

Suddenly, while they are still engrossed in another round of the game, her instincts kick in, and Sachan feels some sort of dangerous presence. Perhaps, even a killing intent.

"Sarutobi-san..." she hears a very familiar voice, as if right on cue.

Sachan turns to the voice — Otae's head is upside down as she is looking at their hideout under the floor — menacing aura and all. But she's not alone. There is also the Demonic Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi right beside her, looking angry and just as his nickname suggests. Each of them alone would look like pretty bad news right now, but together... they are like a match made in Hell.

Sachan doesn't even hear what they have to say, her self-preservation instincts taking over, and all her senses telling her to run. She grabs Kondou-san by the collar of his jacket — in an act of solidarity, or perhaps she has already grown rather fond of him to just leave him behind in the imminent danger — and retreats.

Jumping from roof to roof, with protesting Kondou in her arms, she thinks that her love rival and the vice-chief actually look rather good together. She wonders what is the relationship between the two.

Sachan drops the chief of the Shinsengumi off at his headquarters. Literally. Through the roof.   

~~ Intermission ends ~~

Next time Hijikata is unlucky enough to come just before lunch.

She sees him from the east side of the building even before he's able to find Kondou-san. Out of courtesy, he comes closer to ask her. But his stomach betrays him in a rather loud voice.

"Oh my, Hijikata-san, you must be hungry. We are actually about to have some tamagoyaki. Why don't you join us?"

Oh, shit, the infamous abused eggs. They are slowly becoming a local legend. Of the horror kind.

"No, I'm in a hurry actually…"

"Oh… But you can't work on an empty stomach, can you? Wait here, I will bring you some." And she rushes back inside before he even has a chance to stop her.

Hijikata ponders on how rude it would be to refuse now. And what body part he should protect from the punch. But before he comes to any conclusion, she's already back with a small plate and a radiant smile on her face.

Otae doesn't take no for an answer. But he isn't even capable of saying no to such an enthusiastic face. Perhaps because he just has difficulties saying no to women in general. Yes, that must be it.

It's just burnt eggs, how bad could it be? Not to mention he has his emergency bottle of mayonnaise with him.

~~ Intermission 2 - Gintoki ~~

"Look, he's about to put mayonnaise on it!" Kagura lets out a loud whisper, peeking through a slightly open sliding door. "Ew!"

"Shh, maybe it will cancel out somehow. The more he eats the less we will need to. Until Shinpachi makes some normal food." Gintoki's head is just above hers, as he's peeping in the next room as well. He is expecting Otae to stop Hijikata from desecrating already desecrated eggs any moment now.

But it never comes.

"He's eating it!" Kagura exclaims.

Hijikata is sitting with his back towards them, so they can't see his face. But lately, the vice-chief of the Shinsengumi has been looking… not his best. He has reasons for moping around, but it has already been like half a year since the death of Okita's sister.

Like you're the one to talk when it comes to coping.   

They keep watching as Hijikata finishes his plate, without either choking or puking. He is about to return the plate and doesn't even look like he's in a dire need of a bathroom.  

"Hijikata-san, you need to take better care of yourself. If not for yourself, then for people who care about you," Gintoki hears Otae's quiet voice suddenly.

Says the woman who is about to give him a food poisoning.

"There are fewer and fewer people like that lately," Hijikata responds in a bit of a grave voice after some pause.

As he returns the plate, their hands — Otae's and Hijikata's — touch. The man freezes.

"You're… mistaken," she responds. There's seemingly an eye contact, and the vice-chief looks somewhat surprised.

Gintoki hears Kagura hold her breath and lean in a bit closer. Like she's sometimes doing when watching a romance drama.

Coming to his senses, Hijikata is visibly flustered and suddenly in a rush to leave. So much that he almost drops the plate. But still, it doesn't look like diarrhea is the cause.

"It seems Kondou-san is not here today… So I'll be on my way… Thank you for the meal." The vice-chief bows exaggeratedly and turns away to leave.

"Here goes our hope of salvation," says Gintoki after Hijikata isn't in sight anymore, but the possibility of food poisoning isn't what occupies his mind at the moment.

Otae hasn't moved from her place yet.

Kagura turns away from the door. She seems to be contemplating something. Perhaps processing what she has just seen. Gintoki follows and can't help but plunge into thinking as well.

Meanwhile, Kondou slides from under the kotatsu, looking rather sleepy. 

"Has someone called me?" 

~~ Intermission ends ~~

It is late into the night, and the silence seems too loud again. Hijikata is thinking about opening up his stash — he has restocked recently after all.

He gets one bottle out and is looking at the label, contemplating.

People that care about me, huh?

Kondou's concerned face comes to his mind. Sougo hasn't tried to kill him as much lately either. He remembers Yamazaki and his other subordinates exchanging glances when he was shouting at them while still being hungover. Even Yorozuya hasn't been as cocky when they happen to cross paths lately.

You're… mistaken. 

Eventually, he decides to put the bottle back.

Perhaps a cup of tea might be better.

As he's about to head towards the kitchen, Hijikata catches a glimpse of Mitsuba in the corner of his eye again, but the vision disappears as soon as he turns his head.

He's pretty sure there has been a trace of a smile on her face this time.

***

It's early spring and another drag-Kondou-back-to-work day. 

Hijikata is making a circle around the Koudoukan doujo in search of his superior. He's about to pass by the main entrance, expecting to see the irresistible — as in you have no chance of resistance — owner and her charming smile.

But it's Yorozuya's uncouth mug instead.

"Yo," he says simply.

Hijikata gets startled.

"What are you doing here?"

"Were you expecting to see someone else, eh, Hijikata-kun?" says the silver-haired samurai in his insufferable tone. "Someone prettier maybe? With a ponytail maybe? Am I not enough for you, Hijikata-kun?" He pauses but then adds with an even more shit-eating grin than before, "How were the tamagoyaki last time?"

Hijikata is reminded of accidentally touching Otae's hand instead.

You're… mistaken.

"I… You…" He is considerably flustered — there's no way around that — but for what reason?

"She went out to buy some groceries. Must be back soon," Yorozuya adds simply, picking at his nose, not even looking at him.

Hijikata calms down — more or less — and just goes past the other man, intending to proceed with his search.

"You know… if there's such thing as Heaven" — there's seriousness in Gintoki's voice that makes Hijikata stop in his tracks — "she probably just wants for you to be happy. Just as you did for her."

He remembers Mitsuba's concerned face conjured by his imagination.

"I know," he responds out loud without facing the other. But in actuality, it is a rather fresh thought in his mind. 

"You wouldn't want to disappoint her, would you?"

He didn't think of it like that before. Not explicitly, at least.

"Anyway, the Gorilla should be just around this corner. Otae has knocked him out just before leaving," Yorozuya says in a more casual tone.

Hijikata finds Kondou-san just where he was told. He grabs his superior by the collar and proceeds to the exit, raising a hand in goodbye to Yorozuya, still without facing him. The vice-chief's mind is deep in thought.

As he's turning out of the gate, Hijikata comes face-to-face with Otae. Again.

She's smiling radiantly. While he feels like he's getting flustered for the second time today.

"Good afternoon, Hijikata-san. Are you leaving already?"

He only manages to say something barely intelligible in response. He can almost hear Yorozuya laughing.

"Too bad… Thank you for your hard work anyway."

He nods and proceeds with dragging Kondou-san away past her. There are a lot of things on his mind. 

***

He comes to visit Mitsuba again.

He brings her a bunch of her favorite flowers. He always forgets their name, so there are certain difficulties when talking to the florists, but he is persistent in trying to describe them to the best of his ability. There aren't many impossible things for Hijikata once he sets his mind on something after all.

The grave is well tended to — Sougo must be visiting much more often than he is. And he better be.

He sets the flowers near the gravestone and looks at her name etched on it.

"Long time no see."

That's not exactly true. She has come to him — to his mind — quite often, almost every time he was left alone.

Hijikata sits down in front of the grave and starts talking. 

He starts with little things: the stuff that has happened recently, how is Sougo doing, how are Kondou and the others.

He talks, and talks, and talks. 

He bows his head and apologizes for not visiting sooner, and more often in general. He voices all of his regrets. The things he should have done. Apologizes for both the things he had done and the things he hadn't.

He promises to take good care of Sougo.

He tells her of all the connections they have made since coming to Edo. Yamazaki. Matsudaira and his daughter. Yorozuya. The Shimura siblings. Tells her of the weird rivalry Sougo has with the China Amanto girl. How their days are almost never dull.

He tells her all this so she doesn't have to worry. So she can rest in peace.

In the end, he asks her permission for him to move on. Not to forget — because her image will forever be ingrained in his heart. But he also feels that there is still some place for others too. To move on, for the sake of the people who depend on him. Who — just so happened — care about him, as hard as it is for him to acknowledge this. 

Then Hijikata sits in silence, with his head down, for a long, long time, as if indeed waiting for someone to answer.

When, in the end, he stands up, he feels lighter. Like the cage around his chest has finally broken.

"I will bring the crackers next time," he says with a smile before turning away to leave. After a few paces, he stops and slightly turns back to look at the grave.

He sees Mitsuba in the corner of his eye again. She is holding the flowers and smiling. He intends to keep it that way.    

***

The spring is in full force now, and the trees are blooming.

He doesn't remember when he stopped even thinking of sending someone else to retrieve the chief of the Shinsengumi from the Koudoukan doujo. 

For once, he decides to enter through the front entrance.

It doesn't take long for Otae to notice him. She's already waving at him. And, of course, smiling. And he cannot but smile — just a little bit — back.

They say time heals all wounds. If they haven't healed, there hasn't been enough time. Or the right words haven't been said yet. Or, more importantly, heard.

[growingstronglikeahighgardenrose]

Sanditon Season 2: all the news & my thoughts

So, we're getting not one but two new seasons of Sanditon! After a year of tremendous effort on behalf of the Sanditon sisterhood who kept the fandom alive, we'll be looking at a new season. Although I think the biggest thank you probably goes out to Bridgerton, which showed that romance, regency, a diverse cast and butts are a perfect mix to lure audiences.

I want to take this moment to reflect on what I think we'll win, what we'll lose and what we can expect in the future.

1. No Sidlotte HEA

This is probably the most heartbreaking salty news we could get. But I know Theo James, he likes new projects. And after divergent's disaster, I can't blame the boy for not wanting to hang onto another franchise. As a fanfic writer, although mainly an Esther/Babington one, I broke my head for over a year on how to get Sidlotte together. I had to imagine the grandest schemes to get them together. Tom needed 10 000 pounds in less than a month. Even Babington was probably not worth that much. That's over 6 million in today's money if adjusted to inflation. Regency era's England's top 1-2% made that in a full a year, and most of that is probably in assets and investments. And they don't just get to keep that money, most used a good chunk of it to keep their estates running and to pay their staff. Anyone know someone who has a casual 6 million lying around?

There's only two realistic solutions: either have Eliza die: which would be cruel and take years (unless you kill her in childbirth 9 months in), or create a grand scheme that would take months and see Sidney, Crowe and Babington actively work hard on their 'business' while in the meantime Charlotte, Lady Denham and Lady Susan get everyone including the prince regent to come to Sanditon. I kind of accepted they would have a hard time getting out of that plot twist. It was likely that Sidlotte could not be endgame.

Personally, I never felt a strong connection to Sidlotte, and had hoped that Charlotte, like Jane Bennet, would go to London with Lady Susan to recover from her heartbreak, and I kind of hoped James Stringer would eventually go down there for his apprenticeship, where a sort of Captain Wentworth-like situation would come to exist where he is a young man trying to make something of himself. I know Charlotte didn't love him. But I also knew that Charlotte wanted adventure and perhaps needed to grow as a person. But in the new season she'll probably be a bit jaded, closed off, and depressed. And will probably need a softer more available man. Growing up goes with swinging to extremes. She was an open optimist at the beginning, and eventually turned to the opposite, not letting her emotions shine through and being very guarded (@miss-holly-goes-lightly did a wonderful post on this). Adulthood is finding a good balance again.

So while I am saddened, because this brings along a long set of questions like: "Does Sanditon still take place in Sanditon then?" "Where will Sidney live, will he then live in London with his wife?" "Why doesn't he come help his brother the next season or visit his family, as we know Tom will make a mess of things" The show will have to answer these questions in a believable manner.

2. No Beaufort twins

Mollie Holder said on her instagram that the Beauforts wouldn't be returning. This leads to quite a few questions like: where will Georgiana stay then? What will be happening to Mrs. Griffiths? Will Georgiana be her sole ward while the Beaufort's absence is explained as them having married or having become governesses?

3. Who remains aboard

Rose Williams is definitely on board. It's also pretty certain Tom will be there again. Lady Denham is also likely to return. The child actors and their parents were willing, but worried about their increasing age a few months back. Old Stringer said he'd have loved to be part of Sanditon again and to see it continue, but he's well... dead on the show so he won't return. So who will join Charlotte?

Leo Sutter might not return. He plays an important role in the next spin-off of vikings. Vikings has a new season each year. On top of that he's currently busy recording Gateway 6. We don't know how long that might take. And perhaps by the time filming ends he's required for the next season of the Walhalla series. Leo Sutter is a rising star, he might not even have the time to return. Especially for two seasons. At his age and point in his career, he needs to cement his name, or he'll remain b-list while he has a-list potential. So he might have to give up Sanditon for his career. It's sad, I'd love a Stringer/Charlotte future where they both grow to being suitable for each other while becoming people confident in their own abilities. But in the end, I would be alright with it, as Charlotte didn't express immediate interest in him. Writing him out would also be fairly easy, they could just write that despite thinking he had to stay home after his father's death, he went to London in the end under Charlotte's encouragement. Perhaps he could then come back for a guest appearance.

Crystal Clarke will reprise her role as Georgiana. Clarke has, since Sanditon, spoken out about the sometimes tone-deaf director and scriptwriters. She had to step in a few times to make sure Georgiana was done justice. She also said she hoped Georgiana, if the show was continued, would get the space to breathe and be independent, instead of playing a minor role as token black friend of Charlotte while under the control of Sidney. It will be complex to have her return without involving Sidney, as his character will have to be written out. I imagine this can be done with a timejump, but the timejump would have to be 4 years to make Georgiana 'of age' as she is 17 in the show. They'll probably place her under someone's care while saying Sidney is "still her guardian, but away". Georgiana is, in my opinion, an essential part of Sanditon. Bridgerton showed the world wanted to see diverse faces. Austen wrote a black character as a wealthy and desirable woman. They simply have to do more with her in the future. Clarke will reprise her role, this time with black writers to do justice to her character. I'm excited to see what will be done.

The actor who plays Arthur, Turlough Convery, is a good actor and mostly in period pieces. However he's never overly in demand, and usually stays with shows for multiple seasons. I think he's quite willing to come back and it means Georgiana would have a friend. I also hope they delve into his character, especially after his "I don't think i'll ever get married".

Matthew Needham and Mark Stanley, Crowe and Babington, are Sidney's best friends. It will be hard to have them come back without them explaining why Sidney is never with them. But I believe they would work well as a duo: the drunk and the one braincell are a fun dynamic. Both are not much in demand, despite that I quite like them as actors. So we might see them returning. Their return would also be vital for the return of a few other characters:

Their return would also be vital for the return of a few other characters:

Charlotte Spencer's Esther Denham is married to Babington. Without Babington returning, how can Esther? And vice versa. Their storyline was also the main romance for me and a big part of the last few episodes. They kinda need to return. Babington is also Sanditon's access point to high society. To cash in on Bridgerton's success they should search that royal connection. Babington is friends with the Prince Regent. On top of that he has the most money. If he hosts a party and Charlotte is invited, this is where they get those grand-bridgertonesque scenes.

Lily Sacofsky's Clara had a romantic subplot with Crowe. In their final unaired scene they went to London together. She could return. However, the chances are quite slim. Clara is in London, and Sanditon takes place in Sanditon. Unless Lady Susan takes Charlotte to London for a while and she meets Clara and Edward there, cooking up a plan to get back at Esther and Lady Denham.

4. Predictions

There's no words to describe the popularity of Bridgerton, so this WILL influence Sanditon. I predict: more sex, more scandal, and even more ahistorically modern ideas and characters, multiple female characters and multiple male characters that each get screentime and their separate storylines and developments like in bridgerton, instead of just Charlotte's pov we follow. Glamorous scenes. And more POC.

The season will start with a timejump in all likeliness (as it is easier so they don't have to focus too much on her grieving). Charlotte will catch us up with what has happened while perhaps narrating over some letters she's written to georgiana and lady susan. She'll return to Sanditon during a summer. Sanditon will have been partially rebuilt with Eliza's money, and many activities will be planned. Sanditon will be in some kind of trouble. Charlotte will still be a planner. Her being very actively involved in things and having a vision was one of the most alluring parts of her character. In the books there was a rival town Tom hated. That might be a bit tricky to adapt so they could introduce some local competition for attention around Sanditon. A local duke hosting parties could overshadow tom's events. Or the social season in London could lure everyone there instead of to Sanditon. Charlotte will try to help Tom with this while getting reacquainted with everyone still in Sanditon, and hearing about the reasons why Sidney/Esther/Stringer/The Beauforts (to be seen) aren't in the show anymore. She'll also rebuild her relationship with Georgiana.

Then one day for an event Charlotte will invite Lady Susan, who will invite her to the London season to get over her heartache à la Jane Bennet. Charlotte will join Lady Susan to lure a crowd to Sanditon. There, she'll be confronted with some of her demons of the past season. Perhaps a pregnant Eliza Campion makes an appearance to rub it in Charlotte's face. In Sense & Sensibility Margaret discovered Willoughby's relationship in a most shocking manner in an almost public setting. Sanditon likes to nod at all Austen books so this could be a nod at that book when Charlotte discovers unpleasant news in a public manner. Charlotte will congratulate her and wish them happiness, and afterwards either a girlpower moment could happen with Lady Susan or Georgiana supporting her, or a love moment. Mrs Campion has tried to talk Charlotte down in front of people in the past, if she did it again, a new love interest could step in at that time to compliment her and then take her off for a dance. That could be an emotional moment for her, as she realized her feelings for Sidney in London during a dance the last time around as well. And she could have her cinderella moment by excusing herself and running off after the dance, uncertain of her feelings. She'll have some grand balls, might be harrassed by a man and risk a scandal, or try and prevent Georgiana from ruin during a scandal.

At the last moment she'll succeed in her goal and lure a crowd to Sanditon's events that will put Sanditon on the map. Either the local competitive duke, or someone from London will be impressed with her, but she won't be ready to marry yet. I trust that by the end of the second season, she'll finally have a realisation that she's quite happy with how she's living her life and how good her work is, and that she has finally stopped feeling sad. So the second season will stop with her atop a cliff, letting go of the traumatic loss she suffered on that same cliff a season before. By the end of the season, one or two love interests will be set up for the last season.

So the nudity and big romance will have to come from elsewhere. Georgiana will get more agency and action in the next seasons. She could be trying to tempt Charlotte in joining her adventures as a single wealthy independent woman. She might even leave to find her place in the world via boat, returning to where she was last truly happy: Antigua. The second season could maybe end with Charlotte overlooking Georgiana's boat leaving from the previously mentioned clifftop. Another option is Georgiana falling in love with a local man and taken an interest in the town. Financially speaking, Georgiana could be the only one able to save Sanditon. But I don't think she owes the town anything. Another option is the writers focus on Georgiana navigating her relationship with Otis, who might be back home for a holiday after navy duty. We could also see some political debates à la Poldark S5 about freedom, servitude, independence and so on. The first plan for Georgiana doesn't even have to exclude the second, she could decide to sail away with Otis to find their place in the world. In any case: race shall not be brushed under the carpet and Georgiana will kick some shins on her way to her happy ending. In Jane Austen, we have rarely seen a woman who tried to elope, or escape her guardian, get a happy ending. Georgiana Darcy, Eliza Williams, Eliza's mother, ... they're all tragic tales of women falling for bad guys who try to steal their virtue or take their money. And in the end they always become dependent on men again. I hope in Sanditon Georgiana will learn and grow herself, instead of being coddled by men. A lot could be done.

Esther and Babington could be a very cool insert if the actors join. They can really connect the high society to Sanditon. They could host balls, invest in Sanditon or drive the London plot. But they can also be an emotional backbone to the show. Esther married Babington, but she wasn't in love yet. I'm not a fan of the edward/Esther angle. After all he did, I rather she hated him with burning passion and never spoke to him again. But he could try to blackmail her and ruin her reputation in London. Perhaps become some kind of Lord Whistledown. With Charlotte coming to Esther's aid. Esther's plotline could be about learning to trust people and open her heart again. Perhaps she could have a conflict with Babington about him wanting a family and she still being uneasy with marriage, let alone children. Maybe they could have a fight, with one of them going to London. In their separation they might realize they love each other. And then the other comes back home from London with Charlotte and they fix everything. Another route is them having a fight, Esther going to confront Edward or Clara about their blackmailing or maneouvring. Babington thinks it's because she doesn't love him, but actually it's because she loves Babington and wants to be rid of her past. But she gets into an accident and Babington only realizes the truth later on, leading to a happy ending.

Other things I'd love to see: Mary finally growing a backbone and telling Tom to either be open about his affairs and finances or be gone. Arthur and Diana growing a backbone and telling their brother he's a fuck up. Charlotte realizing Tom is stupid. Lady Denham appointing Charlotte or Arthur to head of Sanditon after showing their worth an entire season. Tom being repentant. Diana getting over her fears. Arthur getting a love interest. Crowe being in Sanditon, I just love him. Kisses. Healthy love interests that aren't broody and traumatized and in need of fixing by women. Jane Austen's men need to do their growing ON THEIR OWN. And then they earn their brides.

5. What we'll lose

- A Sidlotte ending: once the new season comes out, Sidlotte is no longer headcanon.

- A happy Esther/Babington ending: they married and looked happy, despite Esther's rushed turn around. If they're in the new season, their marriage won't be perfect. They'll have conflicts, just for plot. Whatever headcanons we had for them will probably be falsified. We might come to dislike them or their relationship. I've seen almost all my ships crumble to dust on the rocks of multiple seasons dragging out relationships and piling on conflict just to keep it interesting.

- A part of what made Sanditon Sanditon: we'll lose many faces we've come to love. And the dynamics and relationships will therefore change a lot.

- Fanfics become dated: I know it is the problem of every fandom, but it's one I regret all the same. Part of why I love Austen fandoms is the fact that the books are written. The characters and relationships won't change. With 2 new seasons coming, all fanfics out there will become dated. The millions of hours authors put into Sidlotte fics will perhaps become barely read when Charlotte gets new love interests. All the headcanons I and many others wrote down for Sidlotte, Esther/Babington, Charlotte/Stringer, will officially become silly fantheories. I've been there a couple of times before that shows changed the entire course and personality of certain characters and then you can't help but feel exhausted and sometimes annoyed because these are your babies and you had dreams for them, and the writers took them in directions that sometimes don't do them justice. But it's canon so you gotta accept it. Sometimes fantasy is nicer than a writer toying around with storylines and characters just to create drama. And I'll have to write my characters in a new way that fits the characters based on the info from the new seasons. I might fall out of love with them. Ah, the burden of being a shipper weighs heavy.

- Perhaps we still lose a HEA: Season one ended with a happy babington/Esther and an unhappy Charlotte who learned a lot, and a Sanditon that was saved. Although Sanditon has been extended for two seasons it's possible that if the ratings for S2 aren't good they may still cancel the third season. If they don't learn from their mistakes and end season 2 on another cliffhanger even Esther's relationship and sanditon may be at stake. If they're getting 2 seasons they will also not marry or engage charlotte in the second, meaning Charlotte will still be single by the end of the series if they cancel season 3. The whole reason we wanted more seasons was for charlotte to have a HEA. So I'm really fearful that she'll be put in another hard spot. They at least need to get her happy by the end of S2.

6. What we'll gain

- More sanditon content

- More regency era content and images and music which is always lovely

- Seeing our favourites again

- Hopefully we get to see new challenges and romance and humor and tense moments and scandal and drama that will be fun to watch

- A Georgiana story arc: a black woman in a realistic historical setting living her life, being wealthy, and England just having to Deal With It. And as cherry on top she'll be written by black writers.

- Happy endings (hopefully)

- New hot men! This is a guarantee

- Perhaps LGBTQ+ representation with Arthur

- Frustration at Tom's antics (guaranteed)

- Maybe some interactions with Charlotte's siblings

- Esther Babington content

- New material to write fanfics and metas about

- Over 8 hours of viewing pleasure

[aghostsdestiny]

An "about" me & my blog in regards to people's opinions

Ive wanted to say something in the tag for some time but didnt want to risk coming off wrong when im still recovering from some medical issues that effect my filters. I dont want to be unfair or make anyone feel unwelcome from any of the positivity messages Ive posted and plan to post (next idea is Destiny themed suicide prevention fanart - NO ONE should unalive themselves, not even assholes; dont get dead, get better! Just keep trying), but a big point is that I been too scared of past bullying to speak up much or even follow anyone so y'all dont really know me yet.

In the name of fairness, as I've mentioned my filters... well, like everyone else I too have the unfortunate habit of thinking "... did we really read the same lore? And THAT was your takeaway??" but thats needlessly hurtful and calling people stupid when they arent; they could have been distracted at the time they read the lore or they just see things differently. Or maybe... it just means too much to them to see it any other way. Maybe they NEED for it to mean something that saves them. Thats NOT "stupid." Thats survival. They found what helps them, thats wonderful!

Maybe theyre wrong about lore meaning, but maybe IM wrong. Yes, i do think they're wrong but they think im wrong and im ok with that, theres no harm in it. Been keeping it to my own lane & mind my own business. Im trying to get better with my filters as well as unlearn some habits, but yes I have months ago made at least one comment here to the effect "uhh... people think THIS about the lore??" and im ashamed of that because its not who i want to be. I prefer to celebrate people not being some robot copy of me. Yes! Please! Have a different thought from me! Just be nice to me about it, is all i ask, and if you're not... well thats saddening, but i hope we can be friendly some day soon.

Thats far from to say im perfect or am trying to be; Im trying to be what makes me happiest, use my creativity in combination with my psychology knowledge to be more gentle with people, and thats not for everyone. Maybe some other people are in a place right now where they have to figuratively beat each other's brains in online to decide if thats who they want to be (as long as everyones a willing participant, etc). While ive always tried to do the right thing, I used to be a bit more abrasive with my opinion years ago in perceived self defense and... maybe i needed to be to get where i am now.

Im at the point in my life where Ive seen enough drama, known irl horrors & experienced legit crippling mental illnesses/disorders that taught me how frail humans can really be; all of which makes me see it as anyone could be gone anyday and if this were my last month alive then i want to be kind before i die. I want to leave good behind. 30 years ago I was a Mr Roger's kid, i grew up & i wanna be "a helper" now, however much by my limited means of small-scale caring without hurting others. I wont save the world or be a firefighter, I'll never be perfect & i dont want to be, but you dont have to be perfect to be kind. Nor do you have to be a doormat (reminder: Mr Rogers legally sued the KKK. And won), but im not sure how to balance that yet so im shrugging issues off for now.

I know Ive rambled, & i apologize. I wont use the read more line because in the past its deleted things. I took time away to give a long thought about the fighting & assess how i really feel, what i really want to put out there & i dont want it glitching out. I... really want people to be nicer to each other in the fandom, its just... im not their parent, babysitter, keeper, nurse or doctor, & i dont know what they need right now. Im not going to tell anyone what to do, regardless of whether theyd listen or not. Its their free will to live how they see fit. I'll tend my lane & they can tend theirs.

But hey. Hey you. You heated people, if youre even reading this... i wish as much good for you as anyone else. Being assertive is tiring (as i well remember lol). Any friendly thing i post is also for you. Take care of yourself, hydrate, do whatever kindnesses you feel inclined to, & best wishes with your life. The positivity isnt JUST for cinnamon rolls, people who dont complain, people with empty block lists, or never been in an argument, etc. Its for you too. Even if you dont care right now, possibly in some "i dont need your stinkin posts" mentality. That might change. Dont ever look at my positivity posts & think that you're excluded. Ever. Everyone on Earth is trying to get better together, & thats our Destiny.

(Yes this is how corny it is in my head, lol, arent you glad i dont normally talk much XD)

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

"When your in this fandom, everyone and their mother always says "Oh have you met Tendou yet? He's one of my favorites!" A character so chaotic but so tragic that it compelled most of the entire fandom into his orbit." (Me.)

Well hey I'm back to my same trend of making more edits for Haikyuu who out there was surprised? Probably nobody at all. I warned y'all that once I met Tendou that there might be an addition to the group after I had finished the season, and guess who binged it in two days it was me. As I suspected there was an addition and everyone who warned me was absolutely correct it saddens me to say. Hopefully this will be the last one but knowing this show I sincerely doubt it.

I knew going into this that I would love Tendou's chaotic nature. It was what everyone warned me against since my type can borderline from goofball into full on chaos king. One of my best friend's absolutely adores him and she was the main one that warned me. But at the same time I think I was 100% ill prepared for what exactly I was getting into. Because while most people told me how funny he was they refrained from quite a few other things. Some for spoiler reasons some for just probably neglecting the other sides of his personality.

To me, Tendou isn't *just* a king of chaos. There's a lot more going on inside his brain running a million miles an hour than just coming up with new ways to get his teammates to question "What the heck is wrong with that guy?" To me, what really drew me to him was just into the game he really was. It was clear that a lot of his brain power went into just simply creating new and interesting ways to get under his opponents skin (reminds me a bit of Kuroo to be entirely honest especially him calling Tsukki Mr. Vanilla.) It was about more than just a sport to him it was a lifestyle. It was about fitting in with a group finally which he found with his team at Shiratorizawa. It was about his teammates accepting him for who he was as a person.

Which, getting a bit more into that, I hate the little kids that called him a monster. Characters that get bullied only to come out with a smile on their face and a usually eccentric nature instead of being saddened about it really hit hit hard for me. Probably because as a kid around the same age as Tendou was when he was bullied a lot of people bullied me for the simple fact that I was different. I came out of it very similar to how Tendou did almost with this eccentric nature so that people wouldn't really know anything had ever happened to me in the past. Obviously getting bullied from that young age did something to his little kid brain. I love though that even in the end he eventually got teammates that he could call his friends despite the fact that most of the time they still thought he was strange. Even though they did they never openly neglected him. He wasn't ridiculed at Shiratorizawa and for that I love his team of ragtag friends.

The way that Tendou would sometimes think so hard that he overthought and messed up plays that way made so much sense to me as the prime over-thinker. When you start thinking about every single thing you'll often forget what's right in front of your face. Trust me I know this feeling. It's not a fun one because then you start thinking about how stupid you are for messing up the simplest of plays. When you see that one little moment of dejection that he has right before his coach yells at him to stop feeling sorry for messing up the play and to focus on the next one reminded me so much of my own life. Sometimes the people that think the most are the hardest on themselves when things don't go the way that they thought it would.

I can't really say that I was surprised by how much I loved Tendou. Everyone told me that I would so when I found myself catching feels for him eventually by the time that we saw his little backstory glimpses and I found myself wanting to reach through the screen and give him a hug telling him that I'd be his friend I wasn't that shocked really. It didn't sneak up on me. However, I was surprised by him becoming one of my favorite characters too. This was one of the few times where the fandom was right. Our chaotic king deserves all the love in the world and then some.

[musette22]

OMG I might sound stupid but I legit saw Seb’s haters making accounts to encourage their followers to block him because apparently he’s blocking haters (which I think it’s fake because it’s way too easy to make fake ss) but now I saw #sebastianstanisoverparty trend on Twitter and I’m legit crying. Like calling your favourites on their actions is one thing but this is straight up insanity. Like people are obsessed with him and everything he does. He’s just a human. I just hope he’s doing okay.

Bby, that doesn’t sound stupid at all, this is all very upsetting. I’m getting a ton of asks about all this - understandably - but I’m very tired and sad too, and I sadly do not hold all the answers, so I’m not going to answer all of them. But let me just say that first of all, I do not condone racism (casual or otherwise) or cultural appropriation in any way, and as such I think Alejandra’s old “geisha” IG post was problematic and in bad taste and it is right that she is called out for it. However, there is a difference between calling someone out and bombarding them with hate and (death) threats. The former makes someone aware of why their actions are problematic and lets them know it’s not okay to act that way, while still giving them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and do better in the future. The latter is just going to create a spiral of negativity and will make people react defensively, instead of making them willing to listen and learn. Hate is not the answer. It’s bullying and harassment and in that sense the haters aren’t any better than the people they’re hating on, and cancel culture is stupid.

I’ve heard about all the disgusting hashtags and death threats and hate being thrown Sebastian’s way on social media lately, and I’m appalled and saddened by it too. I don’t personally, at this point, believe Sebastian condones racism, but I do think he needs to make better choices as to the people he surrounds himself with on occasion. Sadly, casual/passive racism is still very widespread, and it often stems from ignorance and privilege, which is possibly where Alejandra’s actions stemmed from too - though that’s not an excuse of course. As for Sebastian, it could well be that he wasn’t aware about this thing from his brand new girlfriend’s (”girlfriend”?) past and is now just acting in her defense since she is suddenly getting all this hate because of her association with him, and he feels responsible (that is, if the blocking claims are true). Not reacting to it at all also wouldn’t have made him look great, so he’s a little bit between a rock and a hard place here, I think. Of course, it would have been great if she’d apologized publicly, but that would have drawn MUCH more attention to this thing, which I can see she would be keen to avoid (whether that’s pretty or not). Nevertheless, I understand why people say he shouldn’t come to her defense because it can also look like he’s condoning her behaviour, and that is bad. 

While I’m sad that this is happening and I hope he’s alright, too, I am not going to go to great lengths here to defend him because like I always say, he’s a big boy and he’s responsible for his own decisions and some of them are obviously bad. But I just want us to remember that there’s so much about his life we don’t know and are not entitled to know, and I don’t think we should always assume things - the best or the worst - based off the limited info we do have, and expect him to do what we want him to do. Life and people don’t work like that. He’s his own person and his life is his and we don’t get a say in it. Of course, if you’re mad at or disappointed with him over all of this that’s understandable too, and it’s your right, but hating isn’t solving anything. Much better just to leave fandom if that’s how you feel, and focus your attentions elsewhere imo. Same goes for all the negativity, by the way. Like I’ve said before, if fandom is making you cry instead of smile, something isn’t right. Not saying we should always ignore the bad things in life and pretend it’s not happening because that would make us complicit, but when we’ve done what we can (as in, if there’s nothing more we can do to change the situation for the better) then we need to make sure we take care of our own mental health first. Privileged white celebrities’ lives and decisions aren’t worth being constantly anxious and sad and angry over. They’re just not. 

Anyway, there is much more to say on this subject of course, but I am only one person and I’m slightly drained after the past two weeks, so this’ll have to do for now 😅 Hang in there lovely, I know this isn’t an easy time, but there will be better times again! We’ll get through this together ❤️

[cmdrsarahpalmer]

The Infinite Salt post

(I’m just getting this out of my system, I don’t like being a constant downer so after this I will restrict myself to the occasional gif reaction in my new My Salt tag unless there’s some massive breaking news that must be commented upon, I promise.)

Ok, this ended up longer and saltier than I had thought, also more off-brand, so under the cut it goes!

So, gameplay reveal reaction was…mixed. I wasn’t really surprised at them going hard on the Combat Evolved aesthetic and story beats, but after that Slipspace Engine trailer a few years back I was expecting it to look a lot prettier (I don’t really care about 4k and 60fps and all that guff, but when fricking Domino’s is taking shots then yeesh).

Ok, start positive: I like the Pilot, a bit cheesy, but I like him. I like his and Chief’s interaction, I like how Chief responded which shows we’re not just getting block of wood blank slate so the dudebros can project Chief, so that’s nice. Pity I can’t allow myself to get attached, as he’s already getting some heat for talking back to Chief, and if anything gets criticised that means it must be swept away, rather than worked on, developed, or given a conclusion, am I right?!

Confession: I don’t hate Halo 5. It is extremely flawed in execution, and does things to loved characters which needed much more development and explanation in the game, and was too overcrowded to let its characters breathe, but I don’t hate it. (Perhaps one day I will write my True Heresy, ‘Why I Don’t Hate Halo 5: An Essay,’ but I need to write ‘Sarah Palmer is Awesome And You Guys Are Just Mean’ first). With some more work and development, a proper conclusion might have salvaged it.

But nope! Let’s just ignore that gigantic elephant in the room. Let’s kill Banished, they’re like the Covenant, right. People liked them in Halo Wars 2, right? Yeah, so I didn’t care for the Banished. Felt it was a lot of big overture, reality their top guy getting chumped by a century old colony ship. Also Brutes suck to fight, that’s right I said it! And I am extremely sensitive to evil monologueing. Almost ruined the Didact for me, had I not read the Greg Bear novels afterwards (Forerunner Trilogy for life!) I am glad Darin De Paul is getting a pay check though (he’s Mayor of BlizzCon don’t you know)

I’m here for the Infinity crew, not just Palmer. Another confession, Spartan Ops cutscenes was my first exposure to Halo. That’s quite different to traditional Halo, so the vast majority of fans are going to prefer and have nostalgia for the old stuff. I accept that. But I think what’s saddened me is that before I had thought there was room on the edges for me. In interviews 343 keep saying it is a follow on from what went before, and old fans will be able to pick up what’s been going on in the universe these past couple of years. But what I’m hearing is: lore scraps in terminals and collectables for some, reboot and killing aliens and not afraiding of anything for others.

I’m here for cheesy sci-fi action. Love the wider universe, and think the best stuff is outside the main games, so if 343 wants to play it extremely safe looking back at CE and focusing purely on Chief, fine. I’d actually come to terms with that as it’s what they’ve been saying and showing for the past few years. The games are where the conflict between Halo as narrative universe and capitalist product are most in tension. Microsoft needs this number of product shipped by x date or execs and shareholders won’t get their bonuses, after all. So if playing it safe is what they have to do, fine. I was just hoping for a bit more daring around the edges, maybe a little experimental DLC (and hope of hopes Palmer DLC).

They need a good solid Master Chief game at its base, fine, completely agree. But when they’re talking about following up with even more Master Chief adventures, I have concerns. When they talk about the game as a platform and that they will be developing it long after launch, I have concerns. When they talk of the much vaunted ray tracing going in after launch, I have concerns. It sounds like this game is going to be launched no matter how incomplete or broken, because they must make the holiday period and new console launch because everyone will die there will not be bonuses. I’ve heard people expressing concerns it’s going to be a Destiny game as a service, and I’m here going man I wish it were a Destiny (Destiny has room for lots of cool background characters). I think it’s going to be another Master Chief Collection, Sea of Thieves, or No Mans Sky. Love to be proved wrong, but yeah expectations are being carefully angled downwards for the actual game.  

Man gaming fandom is going to continue to be a tire fire.

So. Storywise. The bit I actually care about. My expectations are adjusted as follows:

Good: some lore scraps in the terminals and collectables

Neutral: Palmer, Infinity and other characters I like don’t show up at all

Bad: Infinity blew up so they can slow pan on Chief’s visor as he overlooks the wreckage

So there’s my salt. Anyway, now I’m just going to keep a casual eye on developments, and go back to gifing previous games and writing fanfic and being positive about what I like.

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

I want to make one thing absolutely clear before getting any further into this: I am not in any way or form saying you are not allowed to ship whatever you want. I am not here to call you Toxic™ or Problematic™. In fact, I get hives when people guilt-trip others because of their fictional ships and make them feel like there’s something wrong with their head. I have many dark ships myself and know how the bashing feels so I would never do something like that to others. 

For a long time, I didn’t actually have a real NOTP, and this one was mainly born out of the fans’ reaction to She Li and his recently revealed backstory rather than the ship itself. To me, it seemed like some people took the “easiest” way with SL and MGS’s relationship and jumped straight to romantic love. When, in fact, I find their past and relationship much more complicated.

I liked what OldXian had to say about the matter, actually. Thank you @nira18 for going through the trouble of posting and translating OX’s comments for us. (I’m going to borrow them for a while 🙏) But before that, a few words about what I’ve learned about interpreting during my years as a literature major.

Usually, I have mixed feelings about authors “explaining” their stories because fan-readers often use them to attack other fans’ interpretations that differ from their own and make them less valid. There are actually three major players and powers when it comes to interpreting: the author, the text itself, and the reader. You can study texts from any of those major perspectives, but you’d be surprised how little the author’s intentions weight when reading and interpreting. In fact, scholars and students of literature are very rarely interested in them at all.

What many fan-readers don’t perhaps realize is that interpreting isn’t supposed to be some kind list of correct and incorrect that you should check with someone to see if you “got it right”. As long as you can argue your point by using the text, your interpretation is valid. Which is actually an interesting issue since so much of the fandom culture stems from the fans’ almost rebel-like ways of reading characters and stories. For example, one reason why fans write fanfiction is to fulfill their own interpretations the author hadn’t explored. Actually, fan-reading revolves around the age-old question of literature: to whom does the power of interpreting belong after a text has been published, the author or the writer? So, why are we somewhat hypocritical when it comes to fan-interpretations that differ from our own?

All that being said, I’d still like to take a look at OX’s comments. But I don’t wish to use them as weapons, though. I’ve been saddened by how people seemed to almost rub them in the shippers’ faces.

“Two people can’t just stand in one place together and fall in love! [Laughing crying] There are many kinds of feelings in the world, family affections, friendship affections, romantic affections, hatred, jealousy, etc. I personally believe that the often interesting relationships (?), are complicated and unexplainable.” X

As I said earlier, when SL’s backstory and his first connection with MGS were revealed, some fans jumped straight to the romance wagon and saw SL being so hung up on MGS as romantic jealousy. I see where the shippers are coming from but find that a whole plethora of feelings that would fit between hate and romantic love is in danger to be bypassed. As OX said, there are many kinds of feelings in the world, and many of them are nuanced even though they share some common denominator. I am not saying people can’t see SL and MGS romantically, but it’s a bit frustrating if they choose to ignore all of other, more complex options. Just because 19 Days is a shounen-ai doesn’t mean there can’t be any other kinds of relationships.

Partly, my frustration stems from my “protectiveness” of SL’s character. It’s no secret I’m very interested in and intrigued by him. I realize he’s the bad guy of the story and fully understand why the majority of the fans hate him with a burning passion. But I can’t bring myself to dislike him. He’s in the long line of antagonists who have found their way into my heart.

I find SL’s character highly complex which is why I don’t want to brush his feelings towards MGS and role in the overall story off as romantic love. It feels way too hasty. To go to such extreme as “love” is too easy and cuts too many corners.

What I think SL and MGS’s relationship could be boiled down to instead is “misery loves company”. SL had once managed to pull MGS down with him and intends to keep him there. Because if MGS gets freed from SL’s world, it would quite painfully point out how messed up SL’s life is, too. Which brings me back to OX’s point about nuanced feelings. To see others you thought shared your misery actually try and climb out of the pit, is its own form of jealousy. When I see SL being so hung up on MGS, I don’t see romantic jealousy but something more complex.

I like what @casually-inlove said about the different roles of SL and HT in her answer. HT is a savior of sorts in MGS’s life, someone who believes in him and strives to make him “an outstanding person” aka not ruin his life by becoming a part of the criminal gangs and underworld for good. The opposite of what SL ultimately wants to.

And the change in MGS must have been apparent enough for SL to take notice. Since MGS has gained more people who actually see good things in him and even admire him, it’s given him more self-esteem and confidence and started to convince him he’s not an outcast good-for-nothing delinquent. He’s been looked down by his peers since his childhood and after a while, he’s started to believe in that image, too.

Hope is a very strong motivation in life, and SL seems to despise the idea of MGS having any of it. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel that would ultimately lead MGS out the world he’s shared with SL.

Up until HT got involved, SL had managed to snuff out MGS’s hope quite effectively. He’s manipulated him by using the carrot by talking about “destiny” and seemingly giving MGS what he knows he’s desperate for:

But he also wasn’t hesitant to use the stick when he needed to remind MGS of his place. There’s a lot to be said about using gratitude as a way to manipulate others but it’s very effective and something SL seems to go for a lot:

I don’t know if SL actually believes MGS owes him for the rest of his life and sees himself as some kind of grand savior. It’s possible, I suppose, and would somewhat explain why he’s trying so stubbornly to hold on to MGS even though he obviously has quite a lot of followers already. SL seems to have a compulsive need to control and possess other people and sees MGS trying to leave his side as a betrayal. No one is allowed to think their debts have been repaid until he says so. Now, why is it like that is the million-dollar question. Why is he so desperate to shackle people to himself like that? Is it simply about power or something deeper?

We don’t know exactly how SL saved MGS either, but ultimately I think it’s about giving MGS a place to belong when others discriminated against him. He took advantage of MGS’s growing bitterness and strengthened his poor image of himself by creating a vicious cycle of being involved in gangs and further more estranging him from his peers. As I said in my earlier post regarding MGS’s character, there’s no faster way to turn someone into an outcast than by making them bitter and pushing them to join like-minded people.

However, it’s also possible it didn’t begin that way. It’s unclear to us how long MGS and SL have known each other. Their first encounter was revealed in ch 294, but it seemed one-sided. How soon after this

did MGS and LS meet again? Did SL recognize MGS? Were they actual friends at some point, and it all went to hell later on? Did they perhaps bond over both being seen as weirdos and outcasts by others? (As a side note, I’d like to recommend this piece of fanart by @naesol that I think offers an interesting possibility of how things might’ve gone down between them.)

At this point, you might rightly wonder how on earth I could like a character like that. A despicable manipulator who exploits others’ weakness and wants to drag them down with him. It’s actually partly why I don’t see a romantic connection between MGS and SL.

As crazy as it sounds, I relate to some of SL’s character. Up to a point, I see my own shortcomings in him. When I see him being jealous of MGS trying to turn his life around, ultimately leaving him behind and feeling betrayed by it, I 100% recognize that feeling because I’m prone to it myself. In those situations, I don’t go wielding pocket knives or try to manipulate them out if it, of course, but I can’t bring myself to genuinely root for them, either. Instead, I tend to feel jealous, envious, and bitter. When I see others fix the things in themselves that I hate about myself, I silently wish them to fail because if they can do it, what’s my excuse for not doing the same? I’m not proud of this side of myself but it is the truth.

And that’s why I think it’s dangerous to bash other people for what they ship or what characters they like. You can’t possibly know the reason why and can make them feel really shitty about themselves by assuming they just don’t know right from wrong or want to romanticize problematic things. The thing about fiction is that it provides us a safe environment to experience and discover different feelings, some of which can be weird or scary or conflicting, and possibly recognize those feelings in ourselves and work on them. And people should be allowed to do that without being bashed or made assumptions about by others.

All in all, because I relate to what I interpret SL is feeling I don’t recognize the romantic aspect some readers find between them. I think it’s more based on fanon than actual canon, but that doesn’t mean I have the right to tell anyone what to ship.

30 day 19 Days challenge

[peebleswrites]

Slight spoilers for the Code Geass Movie (proceed with caution)

A/N: You ever just get in one of those moods where there’s an urge to revisit a series out of nowhere? That was me, like, all this week. Because I haven’t really been into Code Geass since the movie was released back in May of last year (gosh, I can’t believe time has gone by so quickly).

Anyway! I got back into it and I started remembering the movie and how much I enjoyed it. But then i remembered the parts I didn’t like so much. Specifically what was done with Kallen. I’ll tell you up front, I love me some Kallen. To me, she is best girl aside from Euphie. And I just didn’t like her scenes with Lelouch. I got so much second hand embarrassment just watching how she kind of threw herself into him and was a sobbing mess like...wtf.

So, like any self respecting member of a fandom who’s left unsatisfied with a piece of fictional media, I turned to fanfiction! Unsurprisingly, there’s not a lot of Kalulu fans anymore. In fact, I was saddened to find out that much of the fandom kind of hates Kallen. Which is really discouraging because she’s so badass! She’s always been badass and I guess...she doesn’t fit in the typical waifu box despite the many useless fanservice scenes they shoved down our throats.

ANYWAY. To make a long story short, I threw together a little Kalulu fic. In honor of all those who still ship Lelocuh and Kallen but don’t get enough love! THIS IS FOR US.

Enjoy~.

His Light, a Code Geass Fanfiction


“Kallen, you about ready? I hear he’ll be landing soon.” Ohgi’s voice sounded from behind the door, muffled by the barrier between them. The sound jarred her out of this stunned state of perpetual staring into the long mirror with eyes that never truly focused on her own reflection.

“Yes, I’ll be out in second.” It was strange, she had to admit, being back at Ashford after all this time. Strange to walk the halls, the campus grounds. Strange to be in her Black Knight uniform, surrounded by fellow Black Knight personnel and not her friends, not members of the student council.

Not yet, anyway.

She was sure they chose her to escort him for a number of reasons. Her relationship to him, their past together, and given that out of all of them, she’d be the one least likely to kill him. It made sense, but it was also a bit coincidental. And bittersweet.

When all this is over, will you return to Ashford with me?

It was perhaps the last real thing he ever asked of her. Shortly after, she was captured and held prisoner for a number of days. And when she was finally released, the Lelouch she’d come to know was no more and in his place was a shell of a man who still tried to act as if he were whole.

You have to live, Kallen.

It seemed like he was always saying such things to her. The kind of thoughts that become words without much effort. A manifestation of feelings that only breach the surface. Never deep enough. Never the kind of depth she knows she deserves. Because…because…

“I'm feeling a bit anxious, do you mind if we take a walk around campus?” She didn’t pick up on it. Not right away, at least. That this was his final attempt to extend a meeting between them. That after this, there would be no more rendezvous. No more interactions. No more banter. No more…anything.

“I thought it was strange you picked this place. There are a lot of memories here. Though I can’t imagine this is what you meant when you asked me to return to Ashford with you.” She started off lightly, taking a steady pace just far enough in front of him to hold a conversation privately.

“Then again, you’ve always been hard to read. Maybe this is what you meant, after all. I guess it’s not for me to know…” There was a brief pause as she alluded to a poignant fact. There were a lot of matters concerning him that just weren’t for her to know. She had to accept that.

“You know I…I really didn’t like you, at first. And when I found out you were Zero, the one I’d entrusted my brother’s dream to, I didn’t know how to feel. I had to stop separating Lelouch from Zero but…I was afraid of what Lelouch’s intentions were for Japan and in the long run. We weren’t your endgame, I knew that…so I ignored Lelouch’s plans in favor of Zero’s.

“Now that Zero is gone, I’m forced to face the reality of the unknown. What your actual endgame was…if it’s still the same…what’s your reason behind doing all of this…and will knowing change anything? Will it matter if I know?” They’d entered the student council clubhouse, the ballroom entrance. She moved to mount the stairs only to pause and turn toward him. There was that certain bittersweetness to her expression that even Lelouch couldn’t stand the sight of.

“It does matter. Otherwise you would’ve told me. Or said something. It matters so much that telling me is something you absolutely can’t do. It’s why you told me to live, isn’t it? Because…you…you and Suzaku are doing something only you can do.”

“And if you knew, you’d try to do it also. After all this time, you’ve finally seen right through me.” He remarked with a slight expression and inclination of his head that denoted some level of defeat at her hands. He planned very early on not to say anything. Not to give an inch. But Kallen surprised him in a way she’d never been able to. To him, she was a comforting variable that never ceased to meet his expectations.

She’d changed, somehow.

“I still don’t know what you have planned or how far you’re going to go but…those aren’t the answers I was looking for when I came here. Lelouch I…just need to know if I should still love you or not…and I think I have my answer…” Before he could react to her words, her hand rose up to cup his cheek. There was considerable distance between them, even with her heeled boots, she only reached his chin. But that didn’t matter in light of the lovely expression painted on her suddenly very bright features.

She was undoing him in ways not thought possible. His comforting variable was spiraling down a path of unknowns and it terrified yet excited him at the same time. What was she going to do? What would she say? How would he feel in the end? He’d done so well to school his features but failed at keeping her completely in the dark.

“No matter what, I’ll always love you.” He’d thought about it bleakly one evening not too long ago. Since the birth of the requiem, he’d thought a lot about what he’d lost and what he was losing and what he’d yet to lose but would inevitably slip through his fingers. Kallen was one of those things and while he would’ve called himself content maybe even five minutes ago with such an outcome, there’s this inner raging turmoil that’s begging to differ.

This love. This unconditional love. Because Kallen knows him. Knows of his sins and shortcomings. Has seen him at his lowest and didn’t indulge him in a moment of weakness but rather took the high road to bring him up out of the darkness. She was a light. Perhaps she’d always been a light but now, it seemed she shone brighter than ever.

And with him willingly paving down a path of perpetual darkness, a light as bright as hers is impossible to ignore.

“This is as far as I go…” A hushed whisper.

“The meeting will commence in the gymnasium.” She was leaving. Her hand had fallen from his cheek and the warmth soon left shortly afterward.

In a panicked yet fluid motion, Lelouch took hold of the woman, sweeping her into his chest with an arm curling around her waist whilst the other rested upon her cheek, just to angle her head upward as he’d every intention of kissing her.

When their lips touched, a deep feeling of longing festered within him. A feeling he expected, all things considered. It was this very feeling he dreaded and yet it was the same feeling that keep his lips attached to hers for just seconds longer than he originally intended.

He needed her light. Just a little longer.

“…I apologize. I acted on an impulse.”

“I…I understand.” She could see it in his eyes. This thing that he was doing. His mind hadn’t changed. There were specs of hesitancy gleaming insistently. But he would stay on course in the long run. So, this was it.

“Goodbye, Lelouch.” And she would let him go. His variable was back, and he hated it. He hated how he predicted her complacency and wished with rather selfish indignation that she would throw away her countenance and come with him. But then…she wouldn’t be a light. His light.

“Goodbye, Kallen.”

A/N: My take on the kiss scene between Kallen and Lelouch. I feel like Kallen’s not given enough credit in terms of knowing how Lelouch thinks at this point. She might not have known about the Zero Requiem but she had to guess that him distancing himself from her had to be some form of protecting her from his endgame.

Another thing I noticed about Kallen is her feelings of love and whether she’ll act on them or affirm them are very dependent on Lelouch’s responses. She asks him a couple of times ‘What do I mean to you?’ and never gets an answer but I think we all know she holds a special in his heart and that he believes she deserves better. Hence the ‘You have to live’ comment.

Anyway, I think it’s important for Kallen to both recognize her feelings and turn them into something more concrete by taking this last encounter to confess, rather than force a kiss on him. It shows that unconditional devotion she’s most praised for and (in this instance) triggers a rather impulsive/selfish reaction from the man in question. I hope you enjoyed this little snippet. Let me know what you think!

[go-diane-winchester]

What happened at VegasCon during the J2 panel

I would have preferred not to speak about this.  Unfortunately, there are some people who don't know what happened at VegasCon during Jensen and Jared's afternoon panel.  Gayle McGowan, who always provides nice footage, without cutting it up into parts, presented that panel in three parts.  There was clearly footage missing.  So I went onto SPNConGirl's channel to see what I had missed and I was shocked.  I actually felt physically sick.  A girl was yelling at the top of her voice [I am assuming it was a young girl].  Clif, J2's useless bodyguard, finally did something in his job description for a change and wrangled her out the room.  Or so I heard.  Cant stand that guy. 

Anyway foolish people [like this one trouble making destiheller I have dealt with before] are spreading the rumor that she was an obsessed fan trying to get on stage for an autograph.  She wasn't.  She was an autism sufferer and was experiencing an episode.  Half way through part one of Gayle's footage, you can hear a girl scream ''SHUT UP'', and J2 turned to the voice shocked.  They probably thought it was a fan being funny, or annoyed because these con guests are very rude when they scream out answers.  I know it annoys me too.  But it may have been that person starting to get sick. 

Once she started screaming, handlers came to pacify her.  Jensen and Jared realized she was suffering an episode almost immediately.  Jensen said ''let her ride it out''.  Smart advice, because you cant calm down a person like this.  You cant speak to them.  They are not being disruptive on purpose.  They are genuinely just sick.  Pep talks wont work.  Jared wanted to go and help her calm down but that was a big no-no.  They realized that seeing Jensen and Jared might have been the reason she got overwhelmed and it triggered an episode.  Jared getting that close to her, might have messed things up more.  So they told the boys to leave the room.  She still wasn't getting better because, like Jensen said, you have to just ride these things out.  So they took her out of the room. 

Some people are criticizing the handler for not handling the situation properly.  This makes me shake my head.  This is the exact reason Jared launched AKF.  To spread awareness about mental illness, not only to sufferer but also to non-sufferer.  The handlers were not equipped to deal with a unique situation like this.  I think, given the circumstances, they did their best.  CE handlers and volunteers are usually my least favorite people, but this time, I think they dealt with the situation to the best of their abilities.  They weren't harsh with her.  They recognized that she wasn't an obsessed stalker fan.  She was just getting sick. 

After she left, J2 came back and Jared said ''sending love to the fellow member of our SPNFamily.  We've all had our ups and downs''.  Jensen tried to be funny and say it was the shortest intermission ever, but you can tell he was messed up.  He lost his train of thought answering the hair question and stopped talking, and people thought he was getting emotional about leaving Dean behind.  I don't think so because Jared turned and looked at him.  Then he started to nod encouragingly, and then he jumped out of his seat and started walking around bow legged.  It worked and Jensen started to smile.  Jared did that, probably for the audience's benefit too.  Later on, even that prolonged hug Jensen did, which is completely against his nature, was something for the benefit of the fans.  To make them smile.  The length of the hug and roving style is something Jensen does not do.  He is reserved. 

After 5 minutes, when the fan got better, she came back into the hall.  If she was a crazed fan [for the ignorant fans out there who like to run their mouths off] the organizers would have kicked her out, instead of welcoming her back.  This fandom can be complete assholes.  So many years of AKF and they still behave like jerks.  I heard that the fans applauded her, but I didn't watch the entirety of SpnConGirl's footage.  As soon as the screaming started and they wrangled her past the camera, the uploader blocked the footage [good that she concealed the sufferer's identity] and I stopped the video.  I couldn't stomach watching the rest of it.  I feel sad for J2 because they didn't have the option to ''opt out'' or to at least sit down and calm themselves for a bit.  They soldiered on and gosh, I have so much respect for them for being so compassionate, respectful and sensitive to her distress even though it had saddened them.   

I also respect Gayle McGowan for treating the sufferer with such dignity and editing the way she did.  I am glad I chose to watch her upload first. 

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

Bisexual Steve Rogers and Fandom Misogyny

CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 33 OF BAGHDAD WALTZ AND FRANK DISCUSSION OF SEX

I received an interesting comment on this latest chapter of BW that got me thinking a bit about writing a bisexual character, as well as thoughts about misogyny in the fandom. Now, I’ll admit out the gate that this may be a troll comment, but I kind of suspected that I might get some kind of blowback for Steve sleeping with Sharon in this chapter, and I wanted to write something on this subject eventually. I figured it these comments would be more like “HOW DARE” or something of that nature. What I did NOT really expect was  something like “you fucked up, that was disgusting,” which was the nature of this particular comment on Ao3. And while I think the “HOW DARE” comments are completely justified, the whole “eww gross” angle was frankly perplexing, and it made me want to dust off some old thoughts that I’ve had about writing a bisexual character in a fandom that claims to have this robust BISEXUAL STEVE ROGERS thing going for it.

First off, this person claimed that although they “read hetero,” they were still so grossed out by this scene that they refused to even read past it to find out what happens in the rest of the chapter. Godspeed, good reader. They didn’t even remark specifically on being disturbed by the fact that Steve was with Sharon, just on how disgusting the sex was. Now, you can ask my beta - I tried and tried to get away with writing their scene with less detail and enthusiasm, but she held me to task and insisted that I write this with as much detail as I would write Steve sucking cock and enjoying that. Because this character would enjoy both very, very much. And given that this is the deep third person POV, Steve’s enjoyment is paramount and the most important part of the scene. It is essentially a sexual reawakening for him, after being emotionally and biologically shut down for months and months, and so yeah, he needs to get INTO IT in order for that to happen. I believe I did four drafts this scene before it was passable, and I still probably could have done better at conveying his enthusiasm.

The word “disgusting” is maybe the most disturbing part of this reader’s comment, because why is enjoying giving oral sex to a woman “disgusting”? I will give myself a little credit that I didn’t write it so poorly that I belong in porn prison, and I didn’t dance around the details or avoid frank language because… why? He clearly has a thing for oral service, which is highly consistent with his overall character. If he was slobbering and moaning over Bucky’s cock, and it was important that he be drawn to the experience viscerally to pull him from his haze of depression and emotional deadness, I wouldn’t cut the details. I could have included so much more, even. I honestly just wanted to move on and finish the chapter. If it was a cock he was going down on, I also probably wouldn’t have received feedback that it was disgusting. Because Cocks are Good. More on this below.

My beta brought up this point - Why are we often more comfortable with the idea of someone eating ass - where literal shit comes out of - than we are someone going down on a vulva? And don’t get me started on how much nasty ass-eating goes on fics, like eating ass after, say, being in the field for days, unshowered, presumably after taking at least one shit in some cat hole somewhere. (Nom nom nom. So hawt.) Oh, but someone enthusiastically enjoying cunnilingus? FILTHY. Because lady parts are ugly and smelly and disgusting and we should only refer to them (uh, ironically??) as “m’lady’s flowering garden” (thanks for the inspo, @passioninthevines) or some other weird euphemism. Or, better yet, let’s just not have any of that yucky stuff at all. Hetero sex for bisexuals should be penis-in-vagina only, behind closed doors, in the past. Or, better yet, let’s just have it be an idea - a vaguely written jerk-off fantasy about Peggy Carter that never becomes anything.

I’m wondering if some readers throughout the course of BW have had a problem with actually seeing this kind of behaviorally bisexual character, one who truly is very sexually attracted to two genders, rather than one who is just like, yeah, I was into Peggy back into ’40s, who is now old or dead and definitely not a sexual object, but now I love cocks (ALSO?) so I am now an OFFICIAL BISEXUAL STEEB ROGERS! Hooray! Give me all the cocks! Or just whatever OTP cock the author chooses for me to suck/fuck exclusively.

As an important aside, I also don’t want to presume that there’s any “right” way to be bisexual, because we bisexual people already have too many stupid “rules” that we are supposed to follow and we’re never gay or straight enough for anyone. Steve in BW is just one manifestation of a bisexual person. Some bisexual people may be largely attracted to men and only have some minor interest in women or other genders. And/or other permutations of attraction and behavior! But this chapter had two major sex scenes for Steve - one with Sharon and one with Bucky (via fantasy) - in part to demonstrate his equal enthusiasm for both women and men. I even warned everyone at the beginning of this fic that he has an enthusiastic sexual interest in Sharon. This is what that looks like. This is not the first commenter throughout BW history who has expressed problems with Steve’s frank sexual interest in Sharon, though this is the first chapter where it’s been so thoroughly portrayed.

I feel like this is one example of bisexual Steve Rogers getting shit (via me, the bisexual author) for being bisexual because he’s not being the right kind of bisexual. He needs to be a collected, well-behaved bisexual, the kind who has tidy PiV hetero sex behind closed doors, in the past, quietly, with a grimace, while thinking about Bucky Barnes with longing and dismay at how fucked his life is. He can’t actually be into women still. That breaks the rules. Women are supposed to be a concession for the man he can’t have. Because women can’t just be desirable - especially not mothers. And they can’t be sexual beings. They don’t deserve pleasure, anyway, and they definitely don’t deserve to be eaten out with wild enthusiasm by an attractive man who wants them.  

Whether this is a troll or not, I can’t help but think that this speaks to the thick core of misogyny that runs through this fandom. It shows up in the wanton (often violent) killing off of Sharon Carter, the “good bro”-ization of major female characters to ensure they are written as de facto men rather than women, revulsion over hetero sex and vulvas, and the marginalization of bisexuality when it means having enthusiastic, genuine sexual and romantic interest in women as well as men. This is just to name a few. I’m sure there are many more places this insidious problem shows up.

I will gladly buy criticism of Sharon and Steve in this latest chapter of BW for other reasons, like huh, this was a really bad idea, perhaps. This wasn’t considering Steve’s attachment issues. But calling sex “disgusting” because one person possesses a vulva? (Because let’s be honest, trade out Sharon for Bucky or Matt or any other random dude, and I doubt this would even be a comment.) This saddens me more than anything. Honestly, I think this scene turned out well. It was written true to Steve’s POV, and it was very important for his character and for his development at this point in the story.

At the end of the day, it’s not really about whether we think their sex is hot or disgusting; it’s about the POV character and his experience and what it means to him. And whether you like the fact that he likes it or not, Steve is a behaviorally bisexual person (though, interestingly, not a self-identified one, at this point in the story). And this is BW. I don’t know what else people were expecting [shrug emoji]

Thoughts?

[rwbyconversations]

Seeing Red, or: The Assassination of Adam Taurus(’s character) by the Coward Blake Belladonna

Adam Taurus. The RWBY fandom’s preferred punching bag, Adam is often dismissed as an emo turbo edgelord thanks to his design, dialogue and somewhat shaky voice acting from Garrett Hunter. But regardless, thanks to his depiction in the Black Trailer and an impressive showing in Volume 3 that led to a... notable moment in the show’s tonal shift-

Adam managed to earn a fan following, and after a lack of real appearances in Volume 4 outside of the OP and Yang’s nightmare, his fanbase were chomping at the bit to see their favorite abusive bull-headed jerk show up again. Volume 3 and 4 set the stakes for Adam’s comeback, and the inevitable rematch between himself, Blake and Yang. Heck, Yang’s focus song in Volume 4 was essentially all about what Adam’s attack did to her and how she was going to reciprocate the pain she felt on Adam’s skull stupid face. 

Regardless of how you looked at Adam, his rematch was anticipated. People were dreading and looking forward to it in equal measure, you could drown in the amount of fanart imagining the rematch. And then...

Well...

Yeah. 

So Adam’s portrayal at the end of Volume 5 was a bit poorly received. I personally take the most umbrage with “Blake teleporting into his sword strike” and “Adam going down and staying down for a good minute before getting back up from a strike that didn’t even get past his Aura.” But it wasn’t just Adam’s fanbase who were let down by the fight. Among Volume 5′s many, many fight letdowns (I will never not be over the blueballing that was Ruby, Blake and Weiss vs Hazel, Mercury and Emerald), this ranked high on the list since it combined so thoroughly with what can be generously described as a character derailment. Adam went from the cool, composed and utterly vicious juggernaut that crippled half of our protagonist team to... well just look up at those GIFs.

So what happened? Well, that’s what I’m going to try and answer. But first, we have to set the stage.

Adam in Volumes 1 through 3 was generally liked by the fandom. Tauradonna (the ship name for him and Blake) was a moderately appreciated ship at the time, and even among people who didn’t ship it, it provided some good old Angst for Blake in whatever ship people actually wanted her to be in. Adam was appreciated for his cool design (I’m a slut for men in suits), the mystery of his mask and his impressive weapon and fighting style. Coming off Metal Gear Rising, seeing Iadio in practice was a treat. And after Volume 3, Adam was in the “Love to hate” range. His reputation had been established in the fandom as an abusive monster, but one who was a terrifying nightmare to face on the battlefield and on his own, neutralized half of Team RWBY. Were it not for a lucky save by Blake, he’d have taken her scalp home with him. 

What’s especially important about his scene in Volume 3 is that while it establishes Adam as a deranged psychopath, he’s one that doesn’t lose his cool. The one time he raises his voice to Blake, it’s when he denounces her beliefs. “What you thought is impossible!” For the rest of the battle, Adam is chillingly calm, even in the face of defeat. When Blake tricks him with her Semblance, does Adam fly into a rage, start screaming and shooting at them as they run?

No. Adam just frowns and strides away, not even stopping to kill a Grimm that tries to kill him. His composure remains unbroken even as Blake flees away with Yang. He’s so sure in his victory that he turns his back to them and lets them run away, even when he could easily chase them and get the kill.

This is Adam’s last scene in Volume 3. It’s the last we see of him in person until Volume 5. That last shot stuck with the fans, Adam just... walking away, barely affected by what he had done while Yang would fall into the depths of PTSD and Blake would run with her tail between her legs, jumping at her own shadow. Like him or hate him, Adam was nonetheless a terrifying villain, mocked as he was for his edgy voice.

That’s the image that had settled in the eyes of the fandom, and would for nearly eighteen months. An abusive, cold, calculating, vicious, but composed and effective monster. One who wouldn’t even shout as he declared “I will make it my mission to destroy everything you love.” 

So jump cut to late 2017/early 2018. And, uh...

Adam, sweetie, what happened to you? You went from a person who barely frowned as the object of your twisted affections ran away to someone who screamed into your Facetime chats like a low-budget Kylo Ren. The hiatus has been mostly kind to Adam until Volume 5. Sienna says that he is seen as a symbol by many of the younger members of the Fang, Salem approaches him personally and sends an envoy in Hazel so he can gain more power. Two episodes into Volume 5, and Adam has nearly everything he could want except for Blake’s corpse at his feet. 

And yet despite Adam being one of, if not the only characters to come out of the hiatus smelling like roses, he’s been reduced to a child throwing a tantrum when in private. The cold, calculating figure stages a brazen coup in the heart of the White Fang when Sienna won’t play ball. Ideally, Adam shouldn’t be angry. He should be smug. And wouldn’t that make you, the viewer, hate him more than Adam just yelling about the Belladonna name? The one guy to walk out of Beacon better off than when he walked in being inconsolably smug about the events, that would make anyone loathe him. 

But instead, he’s lost it. 

So yeah, let’s stop beating around the bush, Adam’s character does a nearly complete 180 in terms of his depiction personality wise (not to mention fighting wise) and it’s a character shift that doesn’t make much sense in the grand scheme of things. That much is obvious, Adam’s downfall was one of the more criticized moments in Volume 5′s... eh, let’s call them contentious... batch of finale episodes. Adam takes a nosedive in intelligence and falls for the same trick Blake played on him at Beacon with her shadowclone (nevermind that Adam and Blake worked together for years so that trick shouldn’t work once let alone twice)

So why did Adam suffer the cruelest fate of all, in character derailment? Why did he specifically go from his A-game to a joke in just one season?

Well, this is just theorycrafting, and I might make a full post about this one day, but I believe it’s because The Battle of Haven was rushed to fit in Volume 5 due to Miles and Kerry over-reacting to the backlash from Volume 4. 

Adam’s character derailment is actually part of the theory. I believe in the original draft for Volume 5 (which we know got a heavy rewrite close to the end of the production cycle) that the Battle of Haven was never going to be part of the volume, and that instead Volume 5 would focus on getting the pieces set up for the battle over Haven. We’d get moments like JNR meeting Pyrrha’s parents, Yang dealing with being a pariah since people still thought she maimed Mercury, and most importantly, Blake getting over Adam.

Outside of her scene with Sun where she personifies him as wrath, Blake never mentions Adam in Volume 5 while she’s in Menagerie. She never has a scene where she acknowledges that Adam essentially groomed her to be his lover or that he abused her. Think of how powerful it would be to see her not so much getting over Adam, as learning to swallow her fear so she could face him head-on next time they met (also it would give Kali something to do outside of  smashing Lanipator’s face in with a tray). Hell, think of what a great scene it would be between Blake and Ilia where Ilia learns just how depraved Adam truly is.  

But instead, Blake never acknowledges Adam. When they meet in Haven, she’s just over him, because “I have better things to do.” She’s content to just let Adam run away after lightly smacking him upside the head. Villain exit stage left, audience is too busy applauding Miles and Kerry for letting Blake just noclip through an entire character arc like a speedrunner. 

There’s a great post by @y8ay8a about how Adam’s downfall feels cheap because it feels like Miles and Kerry engaging in self-gratification at the cost of the story at large. Adam as a consequence of this rush to write a “Fuck Adam Taurus” moment has been weakened. He’s not a scary threat anymore, he’s not someone whose presence inspires dread like the old Adam was. And I feel like Adam can’t really be saved. Letting Blake beat him so thoroughly, and having Adam leave Haven by running with his tail between his legs has neutered him, and now I feel like the Yang and Adam rematch won’t have the impact, that moment of visceral satisfaction that it would have had Adam not even been at Haven. For the sake of a cheap “hell yeah!” moment that Blake never earned beyond “the plot says so,” Miles and Kerry have made Adam Taurus almost a caricature, a yandere that isn’t even good at being that. And that saddens me, Adam had so much potential as a villain that I don’t really get with the rest of WTCH or even Salem. He had presence, a personal connection with our heroes, and had the strength to back up his claims and be a genuinely scary threat- moreso than Hazel “How many children must die as I crush a child’s skull” Reinart. And now with Volume 5... he has a zipper. Was it worth it, Miles and Kerry? Was it worth ruining Adam’s potential so he could get some zippers like he’s guesting in Kingdom Hearts? 

Could Adam pull himself back from the brink? Maybe, but at this point Volume 5 would remain a black spot on Adam’s track record, one that his fans would never let him live down.

To close this post with an analogy, Blake beating Adam now is like eating candy every day. You get the sugar rush but it becomes predictable after enough time. But if you go a few days without indulging, earn it by hitting the gym and shaving off the pounds, when you finally treat yourself it feels all the better than just having it right there. 

Thank you for reading. 

[randomfandomimagine]

5K Contest 2nd Prize

For @xionroxas:

Fandoms: Brooklyn 99, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy XV, Kingdom Hearts, Marvel, My Hero Academia (most detailed)

Name: Miri

Gender to be shipped with: Male

Description: Mexican olive-skinned girl, brunette, 1.70 meters, thin, with glasses. Very shy with new people. When I feel comfy I reveal my bubbly, cheerful and caring personality. Very sensitive: if I feel something is wrong with my loved ones, I'll ask if they're okay and see if I can help. Also I can get sad/mad if I feel they're somehow aggressive. Making things clear is the key. I love video games, anime, music, comedy, reading and making people smile. I love showing my affection. No matter when or where, I'm always listening to music. Music addict. Especially for anime and video games soundtracks. I'm a big fangirl. I can get really loud when I'm too excited. Dog lover. Small breasted and I have kinda big rear attributes.

I ship you with Jake, Zack, Tidus, Prompto, Sora, Peter and Izuku! 

Jake:

At first you didn’t quite get along, or not nearly as well as you do now. Before you liked him but communication was tough, a lot of things got lost in translation. Maybe because he kept talking in Die Hard references, but he once offered to watch it with you and after that day you’ve been inseparable.

Zack:

At first he teased you a lot because you were so shy and wanted you to open up a little, which you did. In time, you started teasing him too, which made him laugh in amusement but he was really happy about it too. You just goof around a lot and it’s great.

Tidus:

With you two it’s all fun and games, your relationship is super cute and cuddly and playful. You’re first and foremost best friends, always making each other laugh, having countless inside jokes and also being there for each other. Yet at the same time you’re very affectionate and such an adorable couple.

Prompto:

You two would be so close! Both of you are kind of shy at first but so bubbly, cheerful, caring, friendly and adorable once you feel more comfortable! You’re always hanging out and chatting and fangirling together. You have so much in common, like the fact that your friends are a priority, how affectionate you are and your love for anime, videogames and music.

Sora:

You get each other really well, sometimes to the point that you can have full conversations without even having to say a word, all with nods and glances and smiles. You and Sora get along extremely well, are super silly and playful and have so much fun together!

Peter:

You two are just nerds together, in the best way possible. Not only do you understand each other and have so much trust and familiarity that you’re extremely comfortable around one another, but you also share many likes and often get excited about things together.

MY HERO ACADEMIA

Lover: Izuku. You two are so similar that you would immediately click together and get along. You’re both loving, sensitive, hardworking and you would excited about things together!

Best friend: Ochako. At first you didn’t like each other that much because of the circumstances in which you met. But after some time in which things settled, you discovered you’re pretty alike! And you’re great friends, not to mention that you’re always there for each oher. 

Enemy: Bakugo. It was a cumulous of things. You didn’t get on the right foot and weren’t on the best of terms, and the fact that he’s always so angry and also bothering Izuku doesn’t help either. You just can’t help but to glare at each other every time you pass by.

Other characters: Iida is very fond and protective of you, he’s basically like an older brother to you. All-Might has heard about you from Izuku and he thinks you’re promising! He’s always kind to you when you encounter and very friendly and interested in your progress as a hero. 

Drabbles

Izuku

You noticed someone staring at you, and when you turned around you saw a green-haired boy, gawking at you. His eyes were opened wide and nearly sparkled at the sight of you. 

“Um... hi” You shyly smiled at him, causing him to gasp.

“Hi! Miri-san!” His hands moved to his mouth as he stared in awe. “I heard so much about you!”

You averted your gaze, suddenly embarrassed by this excited boy who seemed to be a fan. He seemed really nice. 

“You have?” You bashfully replied, daring to lock eyes with him again. His glance was warm and welcoming.

“Yes! He offered a hand to you, which you took and softly shook. “M-My name is Midoriya Izuku, nice to meet you! I’m a big fan!” 

You felt yourself blushing, not really used to all the compliments. Sure, you had used your power to save some people when you could, but you weren’t All-Might. You were genuinely surprised that he even heard about you.

“I’m excited to be in class with you!” Izuku said, seeing as you were silent.

“M-Me too!” You genuinely said, getting a liking to him already. “Maybe we can talk some time, exchange tactics!” 

His entire face lit up in response, and he nodded vehemently.

Ochako

You wondered what was going on between them. Izuku and Ochako were friends, but it made you jealous to think that maybe they once wanted to be something more? Now that you were officially Izuku’s girlfriend, it was different. 

You frowned as they smiled at each other, hating to feel the chemistry they shared. Ochako’s glance fell over you, and you were relived to see she remembered you were right there. 

“M-Miri-kun!” Ochako went to your desk, taking advantage of the ruckus of the classroom during the break. “Is something wrong?” 

You scowled a little. Objectively speaking, Ochako-kun was kind, hardworking and friendly. Yet you couldn’t help but to feel jealous of their relationship.

“No...” You replied, too shy to confess it to her. It wasn’t really her fault. 

“Is it because of Midoriya-kun?” She asked worriedly.“W-We’re just friends, I promise!” 

“Really close friends” You nodded, unable to contain your saddened expression. “Closer than him and me are right now” 

Ochako blinked repeatedly, taken aback by your answer. Ever since you started dating, you and Izuku had been a bit distant and you couldn’t tell why.

“Because he likes you so much you make him nervous!” She laughed a little. “He told me, he’s a bit awkward, but I’m sure that will pass soon” 

“Thanks, Ochako-kun” You chuckled as well, feeling a bit silly that you didn’t think of that yourself.

She grinned, and you knew that once you were past that, maybe you could be friends. Good friends.

Bakugo

You and Bakugo had never gotten along. You always kind of disliked each other, and it only worsened when you saw how he treated his ‘best friend’, who happened to be your boyfriend too. So when he bumped his shoulder into yours and kept on walking without even saying sorry, you got mad at him.

“Watch where you’re going!” You exclaimed, even if this was your first actual interaction with him. 

Izuku, who was right beside you, shook your arm in apprehension. But you couldn’t help but to tell Bakugo off. The latter turned around slowly.

“Maybe you should watch where you’re going” His voice started at a normal volume, but began raising as he kept speaking. “Since you’re always listening to your stupid music and you occupy so much space, Miri!!” 

You gasped, not paying attention to the music you were actually listening to at that very moment, sharing an earbud with Izuku. Bakugo just insulted you, twice! 

“Take that back!” Izuku said, angrily, before you could even get over the shock to defend yourself. “Miri-kun’s music is not stupid and she doesn’t occupy too much space!!!” 

You both stared at Izuku in astonishment, surprised that he was facing Bakugo.

“Yeah” You smirked, watching how it rendered him speechless. “Who’s stupid now, you jerk?”  

He gawked at you as you passed him by, your heart warm that the first time Izuku stood up to him was to protect you.

[heroesarelife]

I have just realized I have never posted it here. My first ever english fic/piece xD I only posted it on AO3 eons ago, much before I made this blog. Might as well leave it here.

Was originally written to train my english writing and as a self-comfort piece (bc I have panic syndrome) using one of my bnha oc’s (and then turned into a reader piece). I actually had a long fic planned with plot and stuff and actually did nothing less than 7 chapters for this - which are all in portuguese. I have it in mind to maybe make english versions of it at some point, but I’m not fully confident if there’s interest, so let me know. Either way enjoy the wee piece as it works well as a stand alone one.

It is written on a 3rd person narrative, as I don’t do 2nd person. Fem!Reader. Look at tags for warnings.

Title: Miles Away

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Reader Characters: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead Additional Tags: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mental Health Issues, Like panic syndrome, Panic Attacks, You Have Been Warned, just an excuse for more aizawa really, Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Female pronouns, Established Relationship Summary: Some nights can be pretty bad, especially if you are alone. But sometimes you can be helped, even if from a distance.

Read on AO3 or down below.

Miles Away

She woke up suddenly, a strangled cry lodged in her throat. Panting, she stared at the darkened ceiling, trying to situate herself, separate herself from the nightmare. Her heart was beating rapidly, she felt as if she was battling to breath and, for a desperate second, thought it possible that she would stop breathing altogether. No, no, don’t think that, nobody ever died from a nightmare before.

She closed her eyes, intentionally taking slow deep breaths, consciously relaxing each muscle of her body, ordering her heart to pick up a normal pace. It’s alright, I’m alright.

After what seemed an agonizing eternity, her heartbeat began to normalize. Not anymore trapped in panic, she was able to shift her focus to other sensations, looking to anchor herself. She moved her legs haltingly, trying to reconnect with the rest of her body. A gentle breeze caressed her sweat-covered skin, making her hairs prick out in silent protest against the thermic shock. Distant sounds came through the window: a car alarm, the soft ruffle of tree leaves, a lonely bird singing in the dark. The sounds of a city night. A voice, murmuring on her ear, making her hairs prick in fear “you think you can escape from me?”

No, no. It’s not real, I’m alone, I know I am. In defensive reflex she closed her eyes, feeling, with renewed anguish, her heart rate rising again, her muscles trembling; if from cold or fear, she couldn’t tell. A ghost sensation of a hand, holding her wrist. No, stop it, this is your mind, playing tricks. A soft whimper escaped her lips, mixed in with a car engine sound in the street outside. Shaking, she gripped the bed sheets with all her strength, looked towards the window, where some streetlights could be seen. She needed something, anything.

I’m in control, I can’t be hurt, everything is alright. She repeated mentally, in a desperate mantra. Focused back on her breaths. In, and out. In, and out. Slowly, surely. I’m alright, all is well. Her breath was shaking, bur her heartbeat was slowly normalising. Yes, that’s it. Suddenly, without warning, the peak of the panic took over and she found herself bolting from the bed, barely in time to be violently ill in the toilet.

With reflex tears from the pain running down her cheeks, she sat down on the cold tiles, hugging her legs, supporting her head back against the wall. Breathing, just breathing. It’s over, it’s fine, the worst is over. God, she was tired. Her muscles shook with the adrenaline hangover, her head pounding painfully.

After what seemed a rather long time, she slowly felt fit to get up, supporting her weight in the sink. Washing her mouth and face, she looked at her reddened eyes in the mirror, her tired reflection staring back. This sort of incident had become more spaced out through the years, but when it happened it was always much more intense and tiring. There weren’t many things that helped, mostly she just had to get through them.

It was easier when he was around. Supporting her weight against the bathroom doorstop, she looked at the empty bed. She needed rest badly, but didn’t think it possible after what happened. She still felt somehow disconnected from her limbs, numb. Resigned, she gathered the bed sheets and cocooned them around her body, as she was still shaking and the breeze – however gentle - felt cold against her skin. With a sigh, she sat by the window, looking out. The clock marked 4am and it was still dark outside, or as dark as a big city could be. She could see the streetlights, an overnight bus going about its business, darkened buildings. Saddening, you could never really see the night sky in the city.

When he was around, even when this happened, she always could go back to his arms, to his warmth. Snuggle against him, waiting for his breath and heartbeat to lull her back to sleep. But he was in Japan, some thousand miles away. Foolishly, she felt tears begin to form, and bravely fought them back. What was she, a child? She spent so many nights like these without him, she could survive another without lamenting his absence.

As if on cue, her phone vibrated against the wooded side table, the sudden and invasive sound startling her. It’s just the phone.

She sat back on the bed, getting the phone, a hand against her heart, trying to calm it back down. So jumpy. She felt in no state of mind to hold a conversation, but it could be something important about work.

Eraser

Her heart leapt. Was he a psychic? What time was it in Japan? Too tired to think, she answered the call instinctively; he would worry if she didn’t.

“…Hey”, she tried to clear her voice, hoping it didn’t sound as shaky as she felt.

“Hey. Did I wake you?” His deep voice came in, distracted. Just hearing his voice was like a balm to her soul, making her feel ridiculously close to weeping. “Shit, it’s the middle of the night for you, sorry”

As it seemed like he would hang up, she hurried to answer, “No, don’t worry, I was awake”, a sigh of relief from the other side. “Don’t hang up yet. It’s… really good. To hear your voice”, she managed to prevent her voice from trembling.

“Hmm? Well, it’s pretty late for you though. You sure it’s okay?”

“Yeah, it’s alright” gathering herself on the bed, she hugged her knees, smiling weakly. There it was, her anchor. She searched her mind for something to say, “do tell, how was Hizashi’s birthday? I’m that sorry I missed it”

“It was loud. You missed nothing, really. Just everyone getting loud and pissed.”

“Oh, are you drunk? You are a funny drunk,” she teased.

“No, as a matter of fact, I was the designated driver” he answered, dryly. “Just barely managed to prevent Nemuri from vomiting the whole car”

She made a sympathetic sound in her throat, appreciating that the conversation was beginning to distract her, “She never did hold her liquor very well”.

“Yeah, was just a mess, better to be home” he said in a tense tone, with a heavy sigh.

They fell into silence. She squeezed the bed sheet in her hand strongly, battling back her nausea. She felt like her mouth was trembling, but the night wasn’t cold. A small ‘meow’ came from the other end of the line. Miku, their kitty. Shouta made a sound for the cat, “are you hungry? Come here, Miku”

“Maybe she’s missing me,” she joked, rather feeling like she could use the cat’s soft fur against her skin, Miku being quite the cuddler as well.

“As if. She only wants food, the selfish wicked creature”, he said, though his tone was one of fondness. Shouta was a softie for cats. There was silence again, but she relaxed in the homely sounds of him serving the cat, talking to it absentmindedly, as he always did. Closing her eyes, she could almost feel as if they were both at home.

“…Maybe I am” she heard him say, almost inaudibly.

“Hmm? Sorry, what did you say?”

“…Missing you. Maybe I am missing you”, he repeated softly, “maybe Miku too” he added, for lack of something better.

Ah, there it was, the knot on her throat was back. Oh god, she wanted him close so badly. Not feeling equal to answering him without crying, she kept silent, trying to recover herself, taking in a deep breath. She didn’t want him to worry, to think she couldn’t handle herself.

“[Name]”

“…Yes?”

“What’s wrong?” he said very softly, worry merely hinted. The tone he used when he knew she was hiding something. Damn, she couldn’t get anything past that man.

She opened her mouth, closed it again, “I… I’m alright. Just tired” she stumbled on the last word, voice trembling. Shit.

He made a low throat sound, indicating he wasn’t buying it, “Talk to me”.

She bit her lower lip, feeling torn. Still suffering the hangover of the nightmare, she didn’t feel equal to revisit it. Maybe I’m going weak. I should be stronger than this.

“[Name], I’m here for you. Talk to me.” Shouta insisted gently, voice soothing.

Her emotions spilled down her eyes, the warm tears almost shocking against her cold skin. Sniffing discreetly, she wiped her tears. “It… it truly is good, to just hear your voice”, not wanting to let the sobs take over, she battled them down, voice shaking “Sometime is… hard for me, that’s all”.

“I know” he said, “I know.” he repeated, shuffling something, she could hear him changing positions wherever he was siting. “If I was there… no, no use in dwelling on that.” He said, resentfully. She laughed meekly through the tears, all but seeing him shuffling his fingers through his hair, as was his habit when thinking. “It’s late for you, [Name], do you want to sleep?”

“I do.” she said, quietly. She stopped, searching for the words, the strength to admit her own weakness. He waited patiently. “I’m scared to go to sleep. It’s silly” she added, forcing a nervous laugh, wiping the tears that resurfaced with a trembling hand. Suddenly drained, she let her forehead rest on her knees, as if trying to find security within herself. “it’s silly” she repeated, weakly.

“It’s not. It’s okay.” He murmured, understanding her mood. He grunted softly to himself, thinking. “Are you in bed?”

“Yeah” such an incongruent question “you?”

“Yeah” he sighed, stretching his body “I will make you company, so… You can sleep” he murmured, as if sharing a secret “I can’t be there, but I will stay here with you, until you can fall asleep, okay?”

Slowly she laid down on the bed, “You don’t need to, I can tell you are tired”, she said, hesitant to hold the offer, remembering how demanding his workload was. However, it was almost appalling how her body responded just to the idea, her muscles relaxing for the first time in the last hour.

“It’s alright. I’ll sleep after you.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, suddenly feeling guilty “but,” she interrupted what he was about to say “Thank you” she let out a sigh, “I’m happy you called”.

“Don’t worry.” He looked at the ceiling, feeling his dry eyes sting. Closing them, he tried to imagine her close “I also like hearing your voice”.

He kept talking to her, whispering about the day, Hiazashi’s birthday party, some bit of news he saw recently. She paid little attention to the content, soothed by the rhythm of his voice, the deepness of it, slowly relaxing into it like she would in his arms. Closing her eyes, she could imagine he was beside her. Without realizing it, she began to drift.

He went on about any events he could think of for some more minutes. Finally stopping, then, listening to her soft breathing, making sure she was asleep. “I love you,” he murmured, before letting sleep take over him as well.