#which meant making the entire story/plot without her; so adding her back in LATER is like... why did you fucking bother removing her then

[goldentigerfestival]

i will never not find it hilarious that they completely forgot to animate patty at the very end of the final cutscene in the last three frames of the whole group

and the dub didn't even give her voiced lines when everyone was shouting they so the localization forgot about her too

[twdgkidsdeservebetter]

Everything Wrong With Umbrella Academy Season 4 (Characters)

The way it felt like someone who had never seen the show wrote this season????

The characters were AWFUL and were almost entirely new characters with all their previous character development forgotten.

Allison - Honestly, I don't like Allison (after watching THAT scene w Luther), so I really didn't care what happened with her this season. I think it does suck that she wasn't able to be happy with Ray, they were nice together. Also, no rumours? Her power was one of the most interesting out of the family.

Luther - People were commenting about how childish and positive he was being this season and how it was out of character from him being so serious. Honestly? I love silly Luther, he's such a breath of fresh air. I also like to believe that because Luther was assigned the leader of the family (being number 1 and all), he's able to enjoy himself without that pressure. Also, I also love to believe that Luther is using being positive and silly as a coping mechanism as to not be overwhelmed by the sadness of losing Sloane and also his current living situation. Giving him his gorilla body back was so unnecessary and makes no sense cause it wasn't the marigold that gave him the body.

Ben - He sucked. I hate that Sparrow Ben was the one that was dragged with them because it meant that we had to deal with him sulking and being angsty the whole time. Also, the character development we witnessed 1-2 just disappeared instantly cause of Sparrow Ben. Also, his friendship with Klaus was the best thing in the show and I hate that we never get to see that in season 3.

Klaus - I was actually so happy for him being sober, even if he wasn't living the best life because of his paranoia with death and germs. So it really sucked when that immediately went down the drain the second his body got the marigold.

Diego - He deserved better. Yeah, his constant complaining about his "belly" (which wasn't even that big of a difference??) and wanting to go back to his old super spy life did affect his and Lila's marriage, but when he realised that he immediately accepted that he was at fault and was willing to improve their marriage to make Lila happy.

Lila - I liked Lila before season 4. I don't know what they were thinking honestly by changing her entire character. Yes, she and Five were stuck for 7 years together, but seriously? That plot added NOTHING to the story because in the end, Lila chose Diego and then they all DIED like 10 minutes later!!

Viktor - Honestly? Viktor didn't really stand out this season for me. Sure, he got kidnapped by Ian Hawk. I thought the idea of him trying to remove the marigold from Ben was a really cool idea but then it just didn't happen. I thought his interactions with Reginald were decent, since it's interesting to see how this Reginald thinks about Viktor compared to the original timeline Reginald.

Five - It's honestly kind of impressive how the writers were able to make the best character in the show the worst character by the end of it. They completely changed his whole character. First, his personality is duller than a door nail. He's so emotionless and so boring. Where's the excessive facial expressions and movements? Second, changing his motivations. For the past 3 seasons we have watched him with one goal in his mind; "Save the world and his siblings". So why would Five ever possibly consider both giving that up for Lila of all people. Third, giving Five a love interest was so useless and lazy. Why would he choose a girl over his siblings? Especially one literally MARRIED to his BROTHER. Fourth, him being all pouty and jealous over Lila choosing Diego (her husband and father of her kids - no shit she was gonna pick him over Five, literally have no idea why Five even thought he had a chance) to the point where he plans to just ditch his family in the middle of a big fight. Five, him fighting Diego in the middle of said big fight. THEN, Five just gives up??? Yeah, that's probably all he could do but seriously, this is Five we're talking about, the guy who survived in 45 years in the apocalypse to try and get back to his family and save the world. Do you really believe that he would just give up?

BONUS:

Jennifer - They could introduce a new character/love interest for Ben but they didn't do the same for Five so they just gave him the only other woman who wasn't his sister???? LAZY. Also, the amount of plot holes with Jennifer's character makes me queasy.

[1moreff-creator]

Not related to DRDT, But I saw in your pinned post you like FNAF. If you haven't answered this before, which FNAF game is your favorite? Or who is your favorite animatronic/character? I like fnaf1 foxy :)

Yee FNAF! I might not talk about it here much, but it is the fixation that Always Comes Back for me, so I’m glad to have an excuse to ramble about it :D

Favorite game is a bit complicated because I haven’t played all of them (my computer couldn’t handle the FLAF demo it is not running Security Breach), but depending on the day, it’s one of FNAF 1, Sister Location or Help Wanted.

FNAF 1 gets a ton of nostalgia points, the atmosphere is immaculate, and the little story it has is fantastic, though without as much complexity as later entries.

Sister Location is horrible on the replayability department… except I count the Custom Night DLC as part of the game, and that’s pretty fun. The game itself is fine on a first play through, has pretty good atmosphere, and (in my opinion) beats FNAF 1 in terms of self-contained story, themes and narrative weight, wider lore and character building. Night 5 is (in my opinion) one of the best written segments of any FNAF game, both Real and Fake ending.

Help Wanted also beats FNAF 1 in terms of self-contained story (those tapes are genuinely an awesome evolution of the Phone Guy concept), and the introduction of Vanny is genuinely captivating (regardless of how much they fumbled her in later entries), but it also added certain elements to the overall plot that I don’t quite like the ramifications of (even if I tend to ignore the “in-universe games” debacle, I dislike what it represents for theorizing). In gameplay it’s generally better than SL, but it’s not as charming as FNAF 1. Though I feel my opinion of it would change if I could actually play it in VR, but alas, that is not my situation.

It’s hard for me to pick between those, frankly. Probably Sister Location though, I just like the characters too much…

What shit I forgot Into the Pit. Yeah no it’s Into the Pit probably. Even accounting for recency bias the game’s insanely peak lol. Still gonna leave those other three there, for posterity xD

Speaking of liking SL characters; Baby and Puppet are my favorite animatronics, though admittedly that’s more of an extension of my favorite characters being Charlie and Elizabeth (that order). Btw, FNAF 1 Foxy is a very good and solid pick, I respect it :D

I genuinely think Baby in Sister Location has an argument for best written character of the entire franchise bar maybe Movie Mike, and I am willing to defend that take. A ruthless killer born of horrible circumstances, yet compassionate at heart (see: the very fact she chose to form Ennard instead of leaving with Michael’s body on her own, “the scooper only hurts for a moment” line), in her eyes betrayed by those she saved because of being… well, a child.

Shame her character got absolutely assassinated in FFPS. Unless she was trying to manipulate William. I know it’s not ever even remotely suggested, but I genuinely would have no (serious) complaints about Baby’s character if that’s what she was going for in the “I will make you proud” speech.

As for Puppet, old fan favorite for a reason. It was always a standout of the cast, which obviously meant I loved them, and the exploration of its personality in UCN in particular is pretty cool. To be clear, my enjoyment of Charlie as a character is based on highly specific interpretations of certain lines, but when literally 90% of the story is up to interpretation, I feel that’s not too surprising.

In particular, taking Charlie as a deeply regretful person, who realized how badly she fucked up by reviving the children only after dozens of night guards had been killed and they’d already been trapped for years, with possibly hundreds of deaths on her hands, just trying to make things right again. And, just, so, fucking, tired, by the time Lefty happens (see: Lefty UCN lines). And don’t even get me started on the angst potential of being tortured by her supposedly loving father in the Bear Torture Contraption, the mistakes of her past haunting her because Henry sees her as the bloodthirsty night guard killer that no longer exists (see: she doesn’t attack Michael in FNAF 3), and hearing that he wants to “save her now” as she burns half-alive. Etcetera.

Again, hyperspecific. But I like it, so.

For the sake of completionism:

My favorite Silver Eyes character is probably Elizabeth/Adult Charlie/Baby (why is this character so hard to refer to).

Favorite Frights character is probably Eleanor. She’s just so sassy and girlfailure and somewhat intriguing she’s fantastic (or, at least, better than other Frights characters in my books).

Favorite Steel Wool Era character is Gregory if he dropped the elevator and probably Vanessa if he didn’t (I wonder what that says about me lol).

Favorite Mega Cat games character is Oswald (not that many to pick from tbf).

Favorite movie character is Mike. Just a really amazing spin on the already solid basis of Michael Afton.

Favorite Interactive Novels character is Ralph (is it cheating if I mainly like him cuz he’s Phone Guy?).

And… do I really not like any character from Tales? I don’t remember almost any of the stories very well, but I guess if I’d liked the characters enough, I’d remember them.

Since I don’t care about Edwin for now, I guess the Mimic is the only real option, but I’m not the biggest fan. I have hope Secret of the Mimic will sway me to actually caring about the guy, though! I’m already enjoying what we have of Jackie, because in case it wasn’t obvious by the fact I picked Eleanor over Jake or Larson, I kinda enjoy the fucked up clown women quite a bit! Mimic will never be Ennard, but he can get close, and there’s worse things to be than worse-Ennard.

Thanks a lot for the ask! I might have been wanting to write about FNAF more than I’d realized lol.

[astralibrary]

another year another silan portrait babey.... a few days late this time but we still ballin'

i've been very into manga cover design lately (studying them, making my own, etc) so it only felt right to incorporate that into this year's portrait, right? and go way overboard designing the entire front, back and spine including a blurb and barcodes and retail/publishing info, right?? and then go all in on making a matching japanese version with its own alternative blurb and barcode area bc u can't have one without the other, right?? obviously!!!!

like i said i've been really into manga design-

thoughts & details belooow

funnily enough this ended up being an actual portrait again after i did away with them in favor of illustrations in recent years, but ig it's fitting since this is the 10th one, right? (more on that later i wrote this out of order-) a callback to the first one all those years ago... the other reason it's a portrait is bc art has been fighting back lately and a full illustration probably would have been a lot; most importantly tho i just thought this composition would make for a cool dramatic manga cover heh heh

anyway bro the impossible happened i fully rendered flowers AND completed the portrait this year hello??? this has never happened since the v first year wait i just checked it happened in 2019 too this has not happened since 2019 wowie!!!! i put my whole ass into those flowers pls observe them (except the tall purple ones don't look too closely at those. look at the pansies they're my fave ♥️)

this year we have morning glories taking center stage, surrounded by pansies, forget-me-nots, some kind of nondescript purple perennial or perhaps lavender, and some kind of pink blossom (idk that one was just a space filler). don't ask abt the random petals on his mouth & collarbone uhh theres some kind of flowering tree growing just offscreen it's possible

anyway the morning glories are significant bc they represent sythra, silan's twin sister; in my mind her colors are blue & yellow and it seemed like such a good fit, so i'm officially adding it to the Flower Lore (there is no flower lore)

there is, however, Twin Lore; silan's eyes are brown and sythra's are blue, but when they're telepathically linked their left eyes exchange color (so silan's becomes blue & vice versa). the flowers here are meant to represent that, like sythra isn't here but at the same time silan carries her with him wherever he goes... smth like that

the plot described in the blurb is like, sort of what happens but i simplified things for the sake of a neat little fake manga blurb. nobody asked me to do this yet here we are. if i were being realistic abt it this would probs be like vol 2 BUT i made it the 10th volume bc this is?? the 10th silan portrait??? i did the first one in 2014?? hello??? time is fake (my hc is that it's a slice of life club manga about flower pressing for the first 9 volumes but it pivots hard in vol 10 bc the author got so sick of drawing flowers no i am not projecting-)

now regarding the japanese version: i tried my best*

*(if u or a loved one know japanese ur not allowed to make fun of me ok orz i used 姉妹 bc theres no way for silan & sythra to know who's the older twin & idk what u would do in that situation like do u just pick one & go w it or is there another hierarchy-neutral word for sister, 姉妹 is the best i can do w my limited knowledge and even then it probably just sounds like silan is having twin girls which like good for him but even so if i sound like a dork keep it to urself ok but actually do tell me if u know bc i would like to Learn ik this is probably the least of my worries when it comes to that entire paragraph but rn we are just going to focus on the issues i know about and pretend that everything else is fine as is ok thank u for ur time & have a lovely day ur a star ⭐️)

misc fun facts aka u learn how unhinged i was abt this:

the title is May 16th bc that's just what silan's story has always been called. luckily i have that up my sleeve or i'd have had to come up w smth out of my ass like The Silan Portrait or some shit

the author and publishing company are both called astralibrary yes that's me (it has a nice ring to it as a manga publisher name don't u think). i made up the logo on the spot it's my best work. especially the one in the bottom right of the japanese bar code area where i just typed the name and put a star next to it bc that makes it look professional somehow

i stole borrowed the barcodes from existing manga i have good pics of (bc i have an entire folder in my gallery dedicated to manga covers & jpn typography, unrelated); the english one is hanako-kun vol 4, and the japanese one is after the rain vol 10. i changed all the numerical codes tho (variations on the date 5/16 repeating)

i made up the english prices but i picked ¥640 specifically bc that's the price of the natsuyuu volumes i have in my manga covers folder, my only possible point of reference,

rated teen even tho in my mind it'd be targeted more towards young adults; it doesn't have anything in it that would warrant a mature rating but it does feel strange to categorize it in this way even knowing these ratings don't necessarily dictate the target audience

i thought about messing around w the design of the japanese version more to reflect some of the design sensibilities i've observed in japanese manga, like different placement of the text on the cover or a different spine entirely (since they tend to differ a lot between jpn and eng versions)- i even thought about trying to design an obi (long strip of paper that wraps all the way around the bottom portion of the book, usually has announcements & promotional stuff on it), but that is a whole ass project for another day i think this'll do just fine for now skdjlfkdg

and there u have it, thank u for reading my yearly essay abt drawing i did! sometimes u need to go aaaaaa about smth u drew and that's ok 👌

---

edit: oh yea i forgor i should write transcriptions of the blurbs here we go

ENGLISH

Alone with his thoughts? Not necessarily...

Silan has finally discovered the source of the mysterious voice in his head- the long lost twin sister he never knew he had...?! She calls herself Sythra and she has a serious grudge against him- but they need each other in order to uncover the hidden truths about their past.

Why didn't they know about each other? How were they separated? Why can they hear each other's thoughts?

And... What else don't they know?

-

JAPANESE

双子の姉妹がいる⁉︎

サイランは頭の中の声の衝撃的な正体を知るーーどうやら双子の姉妹がいるらしい⁉︎しかも、なぜか嫌われているようで…頑張れ、サイラン！

どういうわけか、この二人は謎に満ちた過去の答えを一緒に見つけるでしょう。

なぜお互いのことを知らなかったのか？どのようにして離れ離れになったのか？なぜお互いの考えを聞くことができるのか？そして…他に知らないことは…？

待望の第10巻がついに登場！

INTENDED TRANSLATION:

I have a twin sister?!

Silan learns the shocking identity of the voice inside his head- apparently he has a twin sister?! And what's more, for some reason she seems to hate him... Hang in there, Silan!

Somehow, these two will find the answers to their mysterious past together.

Why didn't they know about each other? How did they get separated? Why can they hear each other's thoughts?And...what else do they not know...?

The long-awaited 10th volume is finally here!

[littleladymab]

FebruarOC - Sam

At least, we have made it to the (technically) main character of the 07 Nano Project! (For him being the main character I sure don't write about him a lot) 

The original conceit of the story was an isekai in which sam somehow ends up in this other world and at the end has to go back home (I had done loose plotting for a like, afterword story, not a sequel strictly speaking but an extended epilogue?? that was a lot of Ky coping with him being gone and her place restored, and Beryl and Ren not really knowing how to handle that because of their own circumstances). I think I would eliminate the "he's from earth" aspect, but then I did really like his absence at the end of it. Maybe it will have to end with some kind of sacrifice? Hmm! 

He was, at home, an incredibly normal boy. Which is just extremely isekai isn't it, now that i think about it??? I wrote them all really young, I don't remember why -- i think I wanted to be able to lean into the horror for younger audiences so of the main cast, Sam was the youngest (14); he was technically in middle school still (8th grade) because he ended up repeating a year after his dad died (he got sick and it was terminal) and Sam would say that was the most interesting thing about him. He also liked to play soccer!

Then on his way home from school one day, after he had been seeing a strange bright orange butterfly that no one else could apparently see, he got waylaid by a woman in a fox mask who called him "Deacon" and stuck a demon mask on him. And boy howdy, that wasn't fun! The mask did start taking his memories and adding in new ones of the spirit of the mask, but Ky and her crew showed up and saved him, but left the mask behind. 

Even without the mask in hand, he could still feel the influence of this other mind in his warring for control -- and the problem with it being left behind was that the guy who made the mask could then like, use it to trigger episodes in Sam. He still mostly had control of himself and had the added bonus of some Deacon Abilities (like to sense where other Grave Robbers were), but every so often he did lose control. 

Now, what does it mean to be the Deacon??? Oh, fuck if i know. It was just like the most powerful of the Grave Robbers? He was the last one, I think there were 10 total, though they had to replace one after Beryl's mask got destroyed. (well they just made a new Raven ask). But yeah I never did really figure out what it all meant. I never figured out the entire arc of the story, which was why I didn't get very far when writing it! 

On a rewrite, I'd figure out a way to remove it from the "isekai" setting. It would be easy because I just need to make him from the "city dwellers" -- all the other Grave Robbers to that point had been from the Hill Folk. Oh god I gotta do world building??? (jk, I really gotta do world building) but that means for most of the story, you only see the city from an outsider's perspective; even Beryl's is skewed when she's Raven, because she's not... natural? I guess? She's a creation of the mask, not someone born there. 

I also really need to figure out what it is about the Grave Robbers. Like what their abilities are, what they are for, what Cantur wants and how Sam works into that/against that. 

Also, his full name is Samuel, but he goes by Sam because it's just, easy and less noticeable. Except for when he wound up in the Hill Folk camp, Niko would just.... call him a billion different names all that started with "Sam". Samuella, Samson, Samsung, Samantha, Samtina, Samash. Why? I don't know. I thought it would be funny, but he did it in such rapid succession that it sort of lost the punch line. Gotta spread it out. 

((Drabble to come later!))

[writingwithcolor]

Gingerbread man as golem

@yaronata asked:

I would like to write a character who is Jewish and uses a Golem. She's based on the D&D class of the artificer which looks magic but isn't, because they produce all their effects with inventions, like the "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" quote. Her story is that her very Jewish town was under attack from a terrible monster when she was little. Her Rabbis made a Golem to protect the town, and it succeeded but was torn to pieces in the process. She was fascinated by the Golem and as a kid didn't see a big difference between it's sentience and person's so was really thankful for its sacrifice like you would a person's sacrificing their life for you. They thought all the pieces had been devoured by the monster before it died, but she went looking and found the piece used to animate the Golem, which she, kinda misunderstanding called its "heart". She kept the piece and grew up to be an incredibly skilled cook, specialising as a baker in the town. I imagine she would make a lot of really good food for the Jewish holidays, or to break fasts on ones like Yom Kippur or Tish'abav. But she also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice and the town still being alive, because I feel "we are not dead woo" is a big theme for Jewish holidays from my research, so it could fit, for which she invented ginger bread men to be the golem, and gave them little "hearts" of fruit or honey, and you're meant to eat them limb by limb like the beast did before eating the heart. This would be the inspiration for using the "heart" piece later to make her own giant gingerbread Golem to help her save the world.

These are my questions 1) would it be considered bad or disrespectful for someone who isn't a Rabbi to make a Golem, or is this method of taking an animating piece someone else made disrespectful? 2) Her journey will take her far from her town and her Jewish family and friends and she will likely travel with gentiles. Would it be disrespectful for a Golem to be used to protect a lot of gentiles and one Jew in the course of saving the world? I don't want to fall into the stereotype of someone putting all their effort into valuing and protecting very specifically the group that in real life is oppressive to them. 3) While she is not using magic and is actually mimicking its effects with technology she invents, is this drawing too close to the line of "magical Jew"? 4) I like to "play test" my characters in ttrpgs to really get a feel for them before I write. Would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character when I am a gentile, and would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character in a setting where there are demonstrably real gods other than the one of Judaism?

I really like this character idea and I think it's cute and fun and rooted in Jewish culture but I really want to make sure it's respectful and as good as I, a gentile researching on the internet, thinks it is. Thanks so much! Have a nice day!

My answer to this is very complicated because there are things I both like and do not like about this premise. First of all, I love the idea of a cookie golem, and I'm even imagining the magic word that brings him to life (EMET/truth) would be written in icing. And I'm okay with the part about how she found a piece of the old golem and used it to build a new golem, because that makes sense for a golem made from a baked good when you think about how people use sourdough starter to make a new batch of sourdough.

However, here are the thing that make me cock my head to the side like my little sister's German shepherd:

1. re: "magical Jew" - that's not a trope I've ever heard of. Remember, marginalized groups don't receive identical disrespect across the board. It is indeed a trope to use Black people or disabled people as supernatural plot devices who exist only to further the stories of white main characters or able-bodied main characters. But I can't say as I've ever seen anyone using Jewishness that way. Usually if we are someone's one-dimensional plot device it's as someone's lawyer, fixer, "money guy", etc, not a supernatural force. So this isn't something you have to worry about.

2. I have a certain level of discomfort with you playing as a Jewish character just because playacting as a marginalized culture you're not part of strikes me as off, but I understand that that's how you gain insight into a character you're about to write so it's more of a writing exercise than anything else. (I wonder if D&D regulars from marginalized groups have written about this -- I've only played a few times casually with family so if I did run into this type of discussion in my social justice reading I wouldn't have absorbed it. If anyone is curious I played first as Captain Werewolf, and then switched to playing as Cinnamon Blade because lawful good was too hard. :P )

3. I would prefer you omit the detail about eating the cookies piece by piece symbolically, for two reasons: a. it unintentionally evokes Communion by having appreciative people consume a baked good symbolic of an entity who sacrificed his life for theirs, and b. focusing on the details of flesh consumption reminds me too much of Blood Libel (yes, a gingerbread man is in the shape of a person but how many of us actually think about it literally, the way this act would cause?)

As to your first question: I'm fine with her making a golem even though she's just a rando. Second question: I see what you're saying and maybe it could be more okay if it's really clear how well these gentile folks are treating her? And questions three and four are answered above.

I really do love the idea of a giant gingerbread man golem. Cookie golem T_T <3

--Shira

I would like to second Shira’s point about not ripping apart the gingerbread cookies. I honestly would prefer they were used as decoration, and other cookies eaten instead, since that part just feels so not-Jewish to me, but I don’t have golem-specific issues other than that. It seems like you have already been doing a lot of research, which is appreciated.

As far as the ttrpg/DnD aspect… I bounce back and forth on the topic of playing characters that are so very different from our experiences, other than in fantasy-related ways. However, I am aware that a lot of people will play with, and experiment with gender in game, and learn something about themselves in the process (the number of trans players of ttrpgs who tried out their gender in game before they were out is high). It’s different with Judaism, and even more significantly different when it comes to things you can’t convert into, like various actual, real-world races. But because people do sometimes experience growth from experiences like this, I’m hesitant to dissuade players completely. I do urge you to, at a minimum, bring the same care, research, and willingness to learn, that you brought to this question.

--Dierdra

This sounds like a creative storyline that you could have lots of fun with 😊

At first I was confused by this part:

She also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice

But then you really got me thinking about different types of Jewish holidays and how they come about, so thank you for that!

Because it’s often the little details that either make a story super powerful or kind of nonsensical, I think it would be a good idea to decide what type of holiday is being created here:

A full-blown chag with restrictions on labour and halachic obligations? These are commanded in Torah and new ones can’t be added.

A minor yom tov with halachic obligations but no restrictions? These were instituted by the rabbis prior to the destruction of the Temple, so again new ones can’t be added.

A public holiday or equivalent? This would usually be declared by the Knesset in Israel, and filter to the rest of the Jewish world from there.

A community-based yom tov with specific customs only for people in the know, such as certain Chasidic groups celebrating the birthdays of their deceased leaders? I asked around, but no one can really tell me how these holidays get started, which is probably a good indication that they arise quite organically from a group of people who all just feel that it should be celebrated. Probably not created by a single person, as such.

Something she runs from her bakery, not religion-based, but more like a day of doing special products and deals the way many small businesses do on their anniversary?

Now, if the people of a modern-day town were actually saved by a real live Golem, that would arguably be the most overt miracle for many generations, so there would be a decent chance of options 3 and/or 4 happening. It’s entirely plausible that there could be special foods for this day that become a tradition, including Golem cookies. People who directly benefited might also return to the site where the Golem fought the monster and recite the prayer, ‘Blessed is Hashem, Master of the Universe, Who performed a miracle for me in this place.’

Alternatively, if it’s important that your MC created the holiday, something like option 5 might be the best. Hopefully this will still fulfil what you need: you describe her as incredibly skilled, so I can imagine the day when she goes all out on the Golem cookies being one of the most exciting events of the year for the townspeople, just because her baking is that good. Plus, they already have a personal stake in the Golem’s sacrifice, so I definitely think it could be a thing without being an official holiday. Also, if she is outside of an all-Jewish environment, don’t forget that she would have to decide whether to commemorate the anniversary in the Hebrew calendar or the local one.

Coming back to the cookies, sorry if we’re getting a little repetitive on this point! But I don’t see the cookies being torn limb from limb as part of a celebration. First of all, this doesn’t sound like a very celebratory thing to do, to say the least. Can you imagine explaining that to a three-year-old on their first Yom HaGolem? They would be terrified! (I don’t read this suggestion as accidental anti-Semitism so much as getting carried away with a metaphor, which I’m sure as writers we have all done!)

But also, it’s worth pointing out that our commemorative foods aren’t usually that literal. If you think about hamantaschen, maror, or apple in honey, they’re all symbols. That’s not to say that having Golem-shaped cookies is a problem, as this sounds like just a bit of fun that the MC is having and not something that is directly at odds with Judaism or Jewish culture. But it’s worth bearing in mind that the more literal you go from there in terms of tying the cookies to the event they commemorate, the less culturally aligned your holiday food becomes.

Finally, about the Golem protecting non-Jewish people: I like this idea! There’s a stereotype that we only use whatever is at our disposal to help ourselves and other Jewish people, so a Golem being created by Jews but helping others as well is a big plus for me. Of course, as has already been pointed out, this would be an odd choice if her Saving The World team were anti-Semitic or otherwise disrespectful to her/her community, but I don’t think you were headed that way!

-Shoshi

I have to come back in here just to squee over the phrase “Yom HaGolem.” Well done :D

--Shira

[appropriatelystupid]

So obviously there’s Supercorp in medieval times AUs

(trust and believe I’ve read and loved every single one they never get old)

But what about a Supercorp at Medieval Times AU…

Lena, is the reigning Queen:

She started working there in high school because she needed an excuse to get out of the house and because she knew Lillian would frown upon such an establishment

(She stayed because the joy of the kids that come through is just too sweet a high)

Lena started as a serving girl, entry level and easy enough, but quickly set her eyes on the prize: The Throne

The Queen at the time, an undeniably irritating woman, Siobhan, makes it almost too easy for Lena to usurp her

Siobhan has multiple reviews from guests for her lackluster performance, as well as numerous complaints from coworkers for being a menace to work with

In the end, Siobhan all but hands Lena everything she needs

Siobhan is late for the start of the dinner show, on a busy Friday

Lena isn’t the one to find her, but, if pressed, she’ll admit to making sure the manager was

The show needs to get started but they absolutely will be having a conversation later about the fact that she was just caught fucking one of the squires in her changing room

(It does not go her way)

Suddenly the Throne is open and there’s another show tomorrow and the manager is scrambling because how will we find a queen in less than a day

And so Lena makes her move; stops by the manager’s office and offers to cover the role until they can find someone permanent; she knows the show from watching it everyday and, best of all, she already fits the current wardrobe

And so her reign begins

Kara, is determined to be a Knight:

She starts about a month after Lena becomes Queen

Her best friend, Winn, a jester who does a pre-show act as people are being seated, gets her an interview to be a stable hand

A lifetime of riding horses makes her more than qualified

Kara is feeding one of the horses the first time she sees Lena, already dressed for the dinner show

(She almost loses a finger in her distraction)

They don’t get a chance to talk for a few days, as far as Kara can tell Lena is pretty aloof and unsociable

It’s two days later when Kara finds Lena grooming one of the horses after a show and she finds out that it’s just been a bad week for Lena

In addition to some personal family stuff, the knights in the show have all, at one time or another, tried to ask her out and a couple really don’t know how to take “no” for an answer

After seeing her work with the horse, Kara tells her she’s always welcome in the stables with her

She wields her broom like a sword, promises to protect her from any and all unsavory knights, and finishes with a deep bow in hopes of making her crack a smile

She gets a deep belly laugh, head thrown back and cheeks dusted pink, and a smile that almost blinds her instead

She feels her heart trip over itself in her chest and knows she must become a knight so she can at least pretend to fight for the love of this incredible woman

A few months into working there, Lena catches her practicing with a sword between shows

A few too many call outs meant someone was needed to polish the gear and Kara got distracted™️

Lena just picks up a sword of her own, with an elaborate flourish, and they spend half of their lunch break having a duel

Both are very impressed by the others swordsmanship and also very turned on by the whole thing

They both keep that bit to themselves

Lena starts plotting her next show shake up

A few months later, there’s drama™️ in the arena during the knights practice jousts, which is to say, Morgan is in a huff because Lena turned him down, again, and Maxwell can’t help but taunt him by bragging that she’ll “totally say yes" to him when he asks again

Mike and James try to calm them both down but Morgan’s horse gets spooked and throws him off

He doesn’t break anything but the way he’s whimpering you’d think he did; either way he can’t perform that night

Before the manager can start to panic, Lena suggests Kara take Morgan’s spot for the night

He’s hesitant about putting a female in the role but his options are limited with their back up on vacation

Kara is shocked that Lena suggests her but quickly jumps to her own defense

It’s already known she’s great on a horse, and her time working with them (and in the gym) mean that Morgan’s gear will work well enough for her to be comfortable and still in control

It’s too close to the doors opening for anything else so Kara dons the armor (and if she can’t stop smiling well then that’s just too bad for everyone else because she’s ecstatic)

As they gather to determine the winner for that night’s show, Lena looks almost as excited for her as Kara is

The Queen and her four Knights gather around and Lena blindly draws a beanbag from the dark box in front of them: Red will be winning tonight

She replaces the bag and mixes them up a bit before the knights all draw their own

Kara draws blue; Lena thinks it’s fitting for her first show, considering how bright her blue eyes are shining in excitement, even if it means she’ll be coming in second that night

Mike gets red and all Lena can think is at least it’s not Maxwell again

The show goes better than most have in weeks

Kara’s joy is palpable and the Blue section is, at times, deafening

Even though she comes in second, when Kara removes her helmet and reveals herself to the crowd, the entire arena erupts

Lena, from her place on the throne, can see little kids all over the crowd in awe of her

(Shortly after Lena had become Queen, she had suggested adding a sort of meet and greet after the shows, a chance for the younger kids to meet their heroes of the night

As is her own custom, Lena is with the winning Knight, seeing as they had just fought for her hand, after all)

Most nights the knights are greeted by kids from their own section, but tonight, from where Lena is standing with Mike, she can see kids in crowns from all the sections eager to meet Kara

Kara, absolutely cannot stop beaming and is told more than a few times that she needs to make her interactions quicker

(She does not go quicker)

When she finally does get through all the guests waiting for her, the manager offers Kara the role permanently

Morgan had quit when he heard Kara was replacing him and there’s no denying the popularity of her as a knight

It feels like an eternity (it’s been two weeks) before Kara finally draws the winning color for the night: Green

She thinks it’s fitting, just like Lena’s eyes as it were

Lena, for her part tries desperately to not show how excited she is that Kara will finally be her winning Knight

The show goes exactly as it always does, everything running without a hitch, but Kara can’t help but be a nervous wreck as they get to the end

She has the flower crown in hand, she knows what comes next but she can’t help but feel jittery in her saddle

She knows she needs to trot past her section in victory

She knows she needs to ride to Lena in the Royal Box

She knows she needs to place the flowers on her head and crown her the “Queen of Love and Beauty”

She knows Lena thanks her winning Knight with a kiss on the cheek

She knows all of this but she didn’t know ya know

She finds she’s distinctly unprepared for Lena’s face to be anywhere near her face

All Kara can do as she approaches Lena is hope desperately that she doesn’t look as nervous about a kiss on the cheek as she feels

(Alex never let’s her live it down after she hears the story)

Kara stops her horse next to the Royal Box as Lena rises to greet her

She’s sure it’s a trick of the lights that showed a flash of nerves across Lena’s face as well

Kara can feel her hands shaking as she places the crown on Lena’s head; she’s shocked her horse hasn’t picked up on her nerves as well

It’s only when Lena’s lips finally make contact with her cheek, close enough to the corner of her mouth to be felt, that Kara realizes she hasn’t been breathing

Kara sees the nerves clearly now, as Lena straightens back up to finish the show, so she does the only thing she can think to do in front of a packed arena

She catches Lena’s hand off the railing that separates them and plants her lips firmly to the back of it, blue eyes locked on Lena’s own green

The smiles they send each other would outshine the sun if given the chance before Lena shakes herself out of her daze to finally actually finish the show

After the show, after greeting the guests with their hands as good as glued together, they finally get back to their shared changing room

(An unexpected blessing and curse once there were two females needing a place to change for the shows)

Lena is barely in the door before she’s very much pinned against it by her very happy and very beautiful knight

They don’t outright tell anyone about the shift between them

James is the first to realize that when Kara wins, the kisses get closer and closer to real; he catches them both after a show and gives them a quick “congrats” and a wink before heading to change

Mike doesn’t clock onto the difference for when Kara wins but when he eventually finds out they’re dating he gives them a “right on” and high fives them both

Maxwell doesn’t notice anything because he doesn’t pay attention to parts of the show that don’t involve him; they very pointedly tell him absolutely nothing about themselves

If this was a real story and not me stream-of-consciousness-ing then Nia and Brainy would work at the gift shop

Also this is how I pictured Lena for the entirety of this:

[number5theboy]

if it makes you feel any better they 100% got rid of five's tattoo. they got rid of the powers, the tattoos and the scars. if you want to do a rewatch for yourself, have a look out in s3e10 for:

klaus' hand tattoos and umbrella tattoo are gone + five checks his arm for his umbrella tattoo and finds nothing

diego + ben have no scars on their faces anymore

luther's ape body was kind of a scar, and that's also gone

i get that blackman wants them to have to experience life without their powers... but that doesn't erase their memories or experiences. removing the scars and tattoos as well as the powers?

five, luther and now viktor have canonical issues with their bodies not matching how they feel. i don't have enough faith in blackman or the writing team to deal with this plot point and the effects it has on their lives, in fact i kind of expect them to brush over it entirely.

a lot of these factors were also massive in building their characters, klaus' tattoos were mainly gotten with dave, the stories behind diego and ben's scars were mysterious and hinted at a trauma that they struggled to overcome, luther's body was a huge plot point and massively effected his life, their umbrella tattoos were one of the only things left linking them together (this must have meant something to five especially).

the only one exempt from this treatment was allison who still has her umbrella tattoo and was still bloodied from the fighting when she arrived home.

i have to admit, this does take away the appeal of the characters just a smidge. i doubt we'll get the story behind ben's scar or diego's, and now it feels like none of their actions up until this point have had any impact.

i was admittedly kind of excited by the idea of making two more characters disabled (five and diego), but also kind of relieved that five's chest tattoo got thanos snapped (it was really tacky and meant nothing to him in the end).

It does make me feel better lmaooo

I went back and checked because I remember checking whether he checked for his tattoos and discarded it because I thought he was checking for a pulse on the arm that had been previously cut off, but you're right, he checks for the tattoo later. Alrighty, great, I wrote 5.5k on the subject and now never have to think about the concept of Five founding the Commission ever again. Swell.

I'm just adding something about Allison, which is that Emmy filmed that scene very early into production of S3 and it might not have been decided yet that the reset would remove their tattoos as well, somebody might have come up with that later into production. I'm reserving thinking about whether or not Allison still has her powers because I simply can't say yet, her still having her umbrella tattoo is still very open to being retconned like Sparrow Ben's emo fringe (rip). I don't see why Reginald would leave her powers intact if he stripped them from everyone else.

I agree with you on everything you said, actually. I definitely don't trust the writers to deal with the body issues that Five, Luther and Viktor have, I was genuinely kind of surprised that Luther's body issues got picked back up in S3 after not existing for S2 without explanation.

Your point about their stories being erased is well-taken (apart from Five's tattoo, that one can stay away, it was tacky, you're so right) and I'm not particularly confident, like you, in the writers paying that loss off in an interesting way.

I thought Diego losing his fingers might impact his powers, so I was mildly disappointed for that to not be the case, and Five losing his dominant arm would have had some kind of impact, had it lasted longer than ten minutes. It would have been interesting, but what I feel like is that they do not have the budget to CGI out David's fingers and Aidan's arm for extended periods of time. And seeing how they treated Harlan, I don't feel particularly confident about how the writers would have tackled those disabilities.

Them being wiped clean, their history erased, is the whole point of that cliffhanger, everything they are now only exists in their memories, so if there is a S4, it remains to be seen how this all is tackled.

[baixueagain]

The Gendo & Rei Question, Part III

For the Intro and Part I, go here.

For Part II, go here.

Part III: The Gaze of the Prodigal Son

              Both Rei I and Rei III are “alive” for only a short period, and it is Rei II—the clone active from roughly 2014 through most of 2015—that we as the audience get to know the best. This is also the clone that has the most developed and complex relationship with Gendo, and we learn most of what we know about how Gendo views Rei as a whole from his behaviour with Rei II.

              Rei II and Gendo’s relationship during 2014-15—especially how they feel about it for themselves—is nevertheless one of the more difficult relationships to understand, since they’re two of the most mysterious characters in Evangelion. We rarely get glimpses into Rei’s point of view, and Gendo only truly speaks about his own emotional and psychological state in the final moments of his life during EoE. Even then, he only speaks of his feelings about Yui and Shinji, not Rei. In fact, he virtually never speaks to others about Rei unless he is talking about her involvement with piloting or the HIP. We only get a few glimpses of their direct interactions, and while these are highly charged with multiple layers of innuendo, those same layers of innuendo make the situation all the more opaque.

              One of the best perspectives we have on Gendo and Rei’s relationship, I argue, comes from Shinji. Granted, he’s the main character and most of the story of Evangelion is told from his point of view, but his perception of Gendo and Rei is just as valuable for another reason: he’s an outsider. NERV is by its very nature a place of secrecy and high strangeness, and it stands to reason that most of the people working there have long since become desensitized to their Commander’s odd personality quirks and the strange, solemn girl serving as his first pilot. Even Misato, who has only just recently started working in Tokyo-3 proper, has been in NERV/Gehirn’s general orbit since her childhood and thus seems fairly used to Gendo Ikari’s personality and the odd way things are done under his supervision. But now we have Shinji in the picture, who’s had minimal contact with his father and who has spent most of his life in the “normal” world, sequestered from the truth of the family business. His perspective is that of the everyman, and he is thus primed to see the unusual parts of NERV that other characters take for granted. Moreover, unlike virtually everyone else at NERV (except for Ritsuko, whose perspective I will be addressing in the future), he is uniquely invested in both Gendo and Rei as people: Gendo being his estranged father, and Rei being his co-pilot and thus someone with whom he feels a sense of camaraderie (even if he barely knows her).

              Shinji arrives at NERV shortly after Rei has a serious accident—one that he does not yet know about. His first-ever interaction with Rei happens in tandem with his first interaction with Gendo in years, and this consists of Gendo dangling a wounded, crying girl over Shinji’s head to manipulate him into piloting Unit-01. It is a brutal, cruel tactic, and Shinji seems to recognize this for exactly what it is. He has already accused Gendo of just using him (something to which Gendo openly admits); from his perspective, it at first seems that his father cares just as little for the poor young woman on the gurney who can barely stand, much less pilot.

              This viewpoint is only challenged when, unknown to Gendo, Shinji spots the burn scars covering his father’s palms in Episode 5. His reaction to being told the truth—that Gendo freed the wounded Rei from her overheated entry plug bare-handed (a scene I will discuss in later essays)—clearly stuns him after seeing the cold, calculating way Gendo used her condition to manipulate him earlier. “Father did that?” he blurts out. The concept clearly seems unbelievable to him, defying everything he thinks he knows of Gendo being a heartless, cold, selfish man.

              Interestingly enough, as Ritsuko describes Gendo’s heroic deed to Shinji, the “camera” momentarily moves outside the limits of Shinji’s perspective and shows us what Gendo is doing at that very moment. He is bare-handed (a rarity for him during the A-plot) and for once he has an open, receptive expression on his face as he examines the Angel’s core in obvious wonder and fascination. His lips almost form an excited little smile and the harsh lines of his face are softened. His naked hands touch the core gently, practically caressing it with just his bare fingertips. Considering Evangelion’s repeated use of hand- and touch-related symbolism, it is likely meant to reflect something of his inner emotional world. This is the first time during the A-plot (that is, the plot following Shinji’s perspective and experiences) in which we see Gendo with his emotional guard down. And it comes at the exact moment Shinji learns of his father’s act of self-sacrificial vulnerability for Rei’s sake.

              The idea that his father might allow himself to be hurt for anyone is utterly alien to Shinji, and this in turn is what prompts him to become more curious about Rei. Notably, the next scene is one of immediate contrast: “The burns on his palms are from then,” says Ritsuko, recalling the searing heat of the plug. The shot instantly cuts to a young girl’s body plunging into water. It’s just a small touch, but yet another masterful moment in the way Evangelion uses visual language and careful word choices to create an unspoken discussion on themes. This, we are being told, is going to be an episode about contrasts and subversions. It will also be an episode about sex.

              The poolside scene is the first in which Rei is first explicitly treated as a sexual being—at least from others’ points of view. Shinji is teased twice about his interest in Rei, the first time by his friends Toji and Kensuke, both of whom clearly see Rei as a beautiful (if unapproachable and intimidating) girl. The two of them (being high school boys) describe her body in explicitly sexualized terms, much to Shinji’s embarrassment. At the same time, we’re treated to shots of Rei sitting quietly in her bathing suit, oblivious to their chatter. She is small and vulnerable, but her bare skin and curvy form has still been made into something with sexual energy and potential.

              Back at NERV HQ after school, Shinji watches Rei without her knowledge, still clearly curious about her. Notably, up until this point he has never seen any emotional expressions from her (unless you count her agony in Episode 1). She has kept her distance entirely, and he realizes that despite working together for at least a couple weeks now, he knows virtually nothing about her. There are no relationships in which he can observe her behaviour with others…except for Gendo.

              As he secretly watches within his cockpit, Shinji watches his father approach Rei. Rei suddenly begins acting her age in her body; instead of moving stiffly, she skips and hops eagerly down onto the walkway and begins chatting with Gendo, a cheerful smile on her face and her eyes bright and alert.

              What’s even more shocking to Shinji, however, is Gendo: unlike the scene with the angel core, here Shinji can actually witness his father’s change in demeanour for himself. The Gendo that Shinji knows is a stern, unfeeling man whose rare expressions are that of irritation or a cruel smugness. But as Gendo chats with Rei, his eyes are soft, and a happy smile is on his face. His cheeks even look a bit flushed. Just as important is the way they’re both speaking to each other: although we can’t hear them, we can see their body language and their interaction. They are standing face-to-face, gazing into each other’s eyes, each speaking in turn. They are practically interacting like equals.

              Is it little wonder that Shinji’s jaw is on the floor?

              As always, Anno’s masterful direction creates an unmistakable atmosphere laid across what might otherwise look like a pleasant scene. Shinji’s hidden vantage point, the oblivious radio chatter from the control room, the low single chord of background music, and the fact that we can’t hear a word that Gendo and Rei are saying: all these things contribute to the sensation that we, along with Shinji, have just witnessed something intensely private. Something that neither we nor Shinji were meant to see.

              The scene immediately following this is, once again, Shinji being teased for showing an interest in Rei—this time by two attractive older women. Again the pressure to see Rei as a sexual being is mounted, and the additional overtones of a discussion about sex between a teenager and adults is added. This rapid switch back and forth between Shinji learning about the relationship between Gendo and Rei and being repeatedly asked if he’s interested in Rei himself (all the above scenes take place over the course of about ten minutes) creates an uncomfortable dissonance that charges the episode with a confusing, unnerving sexual tension. At the same time, Rei and Gendo are explicitly brought up and compared to one another: both are terribly awkward, we are told, at life in general. 

              And that’s when the climactic scene of the episode drops on us like a N2, bringing all these interweaving themes to an awkward, disgusting, hilarious, and horrifying head. Shinji goes to Rei’s apartment to drop off her new NERV ID card. Nobody answers the door, which he finds unlocked, so he enters. The room is filthy and spartan; the girl who lives here clearly does not care much about her surroundings or her possessions.

              But Shinji is drawn to the room’s one treasure: a pair of broken glasses carefully set on top of Rei’s dresser. We as the audience are let in on a higher degree of discomfort by knowing something Shinji does not: those once belonged to Gendo, who dropped them when he recklessly pried open the plug door to rescue Rei. Gendo is thus made extremely present in the scene to the audience, even if Shinji cannot sense him.

              I should note here the significance of Gendo’s glasses as a part of his personality. I have noted before that they are an additional layer that he puts on himself as a means of separating himself from others. Though he used to wear clear lenses, after those break he switches to tinted ones, making his expressions even harder to read and representing the increasingly rapid withdrawal of his personal investment and motivations from the rest of NERV and SEELE. His glasses frequently reflect the light, making it difficult to see his eyes even when he’s wearing the clear lenses. The direction of his gaze is thus frequently hidden, and with it his thoughts, feelings, and motives.

              And yet the glasses reflect other things on occasion, too, informing the audience of what Gendo is looking at and what he’s concentrating on. Shots of his face thus have a doubling effect of simultaneously hiding and revealing his gaze: we can see glimpses of what he is gazing at, but only by looking directly at his face and into the glasses which reflect his vantage point. His perspective is simultaneously revealed and hidden.

              So as Shinji approaches the broken glasses on Rei’s dresser, his face is reflected in them—something we rarely (perhaps never?) see happen when Gendo is actually wearing them. His gaze on his son is thus simultaneously present and absent, accentuating the deep dichotomies of their relationship.

              That’s when Shinji does something that feels even more shocking (almost taboo) from the viewpoint of the audience, based on our prior knowledge: he puts them on. It is an incredibly childish gesture, reminding us once again that he’s nothing more than a curious fourteen-year-old boy, but at the same moment he—in the audience’s eyes—becomes his father (emphasized by their similar physical appearance).

              And what is the first thing he sees through his father’s eyes after he turns around and looks behind himself?

              It’s Rei, fully naked, staring back at him.

              Yet at the same time, his view of Rei is blurred and cracked, reminding us definitively that these are not his glasses.

              This, the shot suggests, is not his sight to see. This sight of Rei’s nakedness “belongs” to someone else. Already we are being told exactly what Gendo has seen, how much of it, and that he owns this sight—or at least thinks he does.

              The events that follow are on their surface hilarious due to the awkward nature of the situation, but the staging and shots used (for lack of a better word) are a recollection of the scene down in the cage: Shinji has entered in on something that he should not be witnessing, something that is not for him. Rei strides forward to seize the glasses from him, Shinji slips and topples onto her, his tote catches on her dresser drawer and sends bras and panties flying everywhere. He lands on top of her, covered  in her private items, in a slapstick missionary position with a hand on her breast—and in showing us this, the introductory focus in the pan is of her own hand clutching the glasses. Gendo’s presence is again invoked, even in this deeply awkward, intimate, and violating moment. He is the third, invisible character in this deeply sexually charged scene.

              At the same time, this is the moment where we as an audience begin to see what makes Rei tick. She seems to have no reaction to Shinji seeing her nakedness (leading us, of course, to wonder why), but it is the first moment in which she has a direct emotional reaction to Shinji: anger. But instead of hiding herself, she walks towards him and seizes the glasses away. Shinji walking in on her bathing was not a violation in her eyes, but his wearing his father’s glasses is. Once again, we are given the uncanny message that Rei’s body is treated as a commodity—including by Rei herself. This time, however, we are given an alternative source of her identity. She does not derive her sense of self from her embodiedness, but from something more intangible, represented by the one item in her life treated with reverence: the glasses. She is given her sense of identity through Gendo’s gaze, and it is Shinji’s appropriation of this gaze that she finds violating. Even as Shinji lands on top of her, a hand on her chest, her anger is gone because the issue is resolved: she has the glasses back in her possession and Shinji is no longer invading that space (even as he inadvertently invades other spaces).

              Shinji’s next violation provokes an even stronger response. Despite the horrifically awkward event, it has at least broken the ice, and as they travel together to NERV HQ he begins trying to make conversation about their commonality: Eva piloting. This then invokes the silent third party in this entire exchange: Gendo. Rei asks if Shinji has faith in his father’s work, and when he furiously denies it, she turns, looks him square in the eyes, and slaps him hard across the face.

              And this, of course, seems odd (even humorous) until one realizes why she perceives this as such an insult: she is his father’s work. An insult to her person is of no consequence in her eyes, but an insult to Gendo is an insult to something far more intrinsic to her identity and her emotional world. Between these two scenes, we have seen just how wrapped up Rei’s sense of identity is in Gendo, and in further essays I will argue that the reverse is true as well. Gendo cannot conceive of Rei as existing outside of himself, her identity is so deeply wrapped up in his own. If he ever did conceive of her as a separate being, he will have lost this ability by time Instrumentality arrives.

              Yet at the same time, between all these questions of identity and sexual violation, we see toward the end of the episode that there is a layer that is far more simple and human: Rei takes Gendo’s glasses with her into the entry plug when it’s time for her resynchronization, and she hangs them where she can look at them when she feels afraid.

              Because she is, in the end, also a fourteen-year-old who wants someone to make her feel safe.

To be continued in Part IV: Green-Eyed Monsters

Like my meta? Buy me a coffee!

[your-highnessmarvel]

From Bleak to Bright - Part Ten

All other parts on on my masterlist, link provided below.

AN: omg this chapter is so sad!!!

Warnings: angst, language

MASTERLIST - SERIES MASTERLIST

PART TEN

You cried so much that you forgot what it felt like to not have your breath caught in your throat, or tears in your eyes, wetness on your cheeks. Even if you’d barely spent a week with Loki, when he left you there, without even trying to get to you, the bond inside of you screamed. It’s even worse than when you couldn’t see him, when Natasha and Bruce were trying to get you to stay away. Now that’d you’d had a taste, you just wanted more, and the bond that had been a knot in your belly now felt like burning fire.

Thor took you in his arms and brought you back to a jet, but both the wound on your head and the one in your heart kept you from having any conscience of it. You were crying so hard it hurt, your stomach clenching, breaths hiccupping out of your lungs, eyes swollen.  

The last thing you remembered before they put you under, pressing a mask to your face, was the wretched sobs coming from your throat.

Your dreams were nothing but black. It was like floating in space, with no stars, with no air, and the suffocation of the dream left you even more anguished than Loki’s departure.

Why hadn’t he tried? Why hadn’t he at least tried to take you with him, instead of looking at you with those eyes, his mouth parted?

You’d remember that look until the day you died.

Death was more peaceful than this.

When you woke up, Bruce was all over you, acting like the mommy you both never had. He was in your recovering room 24/7, bringing you everything you ever wanted. And when they moved you out of the recovery room and back at the Avenger’s compound, Bruce was still on your heels like a leech. 

Nat kept her eyes on you every time you passed by the door, as if you’d pounce right back out there if she dared to leave you alone.

Steve kept giving you speeches about good and evil, how Loki’s bond with you did not mean what he did was right. 

Tony dropped by once in a while, asking you questions on Loki, but all you knew was what you’d seen while at the loft, and revisiting those memories made you want to scratch your eyes out.

When you stopped talking, just shut down, they brought in a therapist. But even she couldn’t make you talk. All that anger was the only thing that made you remember him. And the bond desperately wanted you to remember him. Every single moment spent away from Loki, the bond called to him. It gave you stupid ideas to reach out somehow, to runaway, to seek out a way to get back to him. 

But you couldn’t leave. Ever. The Avenger’s compound was on lock down, and you could not be left alone in it, ever. It was your own personalized prison. 

You wished so desperately, but so quietly, that Loki would come for you. That he’d bring an army and get you back. 

But the news you overhead - because they didn’t allow you to know anything about Loki’s whereabouts - suggested Loki couldn’t give more of a fuck about you. He’d terrorized more people across the Earth, all intent on “taking over the world” or whatever. 

“He’s got Selvig,” you heard Thor telling Nat. You were lying on the couch and they didn’t know you were there as they prepared lunch. “He’s going to open a portal and bring the Chitauri army here.”

“If he does that,” Nat said with a hiss, “then it’s going to get far worse than it already is.”

You knew what she meant by that. The Avengers already had to take care of you - Loki’s soulmate - and adding an alien war to the pile was not going to facilitate their game.

And if Loki wasn’t coming for you, you wouldn’t make any effort to get back to him. 

*** Eighteen days later, Three hours before the attack on New York ***

You didn’t like the movie. Nat had chosen it as the boys had taken over the gym to have “a boys workout” as they called it. 

Nat had been careful in avoiding any romance movies, and had picked an action packed, hot boy movie with no story line and a lot of explosions. The main character was good-looking enough to distract you from the actual plot, and the fact that you did not have a phone - actually, not allowed - made you even more concentrated on the character. 

It wasn’t long before the boys came back out, smelling like sweat and rubber. Lately, they’d all been hitting the gym often since Loki’s army was waiting to invade. Tony insisted on a seven-day a week training until they’d either caught Loki or killed him.

You swallowed the lump in your throat at the image of a dead Loki in your head. Thor’s presence didn’t really help either. He kept mentioning his brother as if you weren’t even there. 

“You okay?” Bruce asked, tapping your knee as he took a seat beside you.

You wrinkled your nose. “Ew, Bruce, you smell so gross,” you whined, pinching your nose. 

He smiled, the perpetual look of caution on his face he wore only around you dropping and softening his features. 

“Come on,” he drawled, “it’s not that bad!”

But before you could answer, Tony’s cell rang. Everyone went deadly silent. You could feel the blood draining from your face as Tony brought the device up to his ear, his face severe.

Your fingers curled into fists. Your blood ran cold, colder than you’d ever felt as you watched Tony’s face tighten. 

The first thought to enter your mind was Loki’s wellbeing. 

Please tell me he’s fine.

Tony hummed and hung up. “Suit up,” he said, his tone deadly, “Loki’s opened up the portal. They’re dropping armed Chitauri in the streets.”

The entire living room activated, as if everyone around you had just been waiting for Tony to give the heads up. Nat launched off the couch, running upstairs to get her suit, followed my Steve and Clint - which yes, they’d manage to save between all this time.

Tony turned into the kitchen, mumbling to JARVIS.

Only Thor and your brother remained in the living room, hard like statues, their eyes emotionless.

“Who’s gonna babysit, huh?” you mumbled, but your words felt like ash on your tongue. 

“I wager I should stay,” the God of Thunder said, pointing to you. “After all, my brother will attempt to get her out of here before he obliterates the planet.”

The soulmate bond would not let him leave you here to die.

Bruce shook his head, sweaty strands of hair sticking to his forehead. “She’s my sister,” he said. “And you’re more needed than me on the battlefield.”

You frowned, anger and heat crawling up your chest like sour vines. “Bruce, if he gets here and you’re the one standing between him and me, he will go through you,” you argued, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I can take him,” Bruce shot back. “And Thor will man the streets with the rest of the team. No one is going to take this planet and no one is going to take my sister! And until Loki is either dead or locked up until the end of your days, I will never allow you out of my sight!”

Thor knew better than to stay. He vanished from the living room even before Bruce had uttered the last words, either because of the look on your face or the privacy you and your brother needed.

Bruce had stood, towering over you, his face stricken with a mix of anger and annoyance, and you looked up at him from under your brows, heaving, feeling betrayal course through your veins. 

“Bruce,” you muttered, trying to keep a lid on your anger. “I’m a grown woman. I don’t need my fucking brother looking after me forever.”

Bruce’s lip twitched. “That’s what you made us all think,” he seethed. “That’s what we thought. That we could trust you. And then you literally betrayed us and went to him with arms wide open.”

“He’s my soulmate, Bruce!”

“I don’t care!” At this point, your brother didn’t care that he was screaming and that Tony could hear him in the kitchen. “You’re a threat to yourself.”

“He wouldn’t hurt me,” you gritted from clenched teeth.

Bruce’s eyebrows shot up. “I told you the bond is different for men,” he said. “He doesn’t care about love or passion or whatever he made you think! It’s about possession, owning what is meant to be his! And with Loki, there is no possible way the bond could be -”

“You don’t know that!” Now it was your turn to stand, facing your brother like you’d done so many times as kids, but this time, it was for something a little more severe. “You say all that shit about the bond for men but you don’t even know yours! You stopped yourself from knowing her because of the shit you did to yourself!”

You regretted the words before they left your mouth, but anger had made you open up your lips and spill anything hateful that would deter your brother. And it did. It so fucking did. His face fell from that angered scrunch to something more tragic, tormented. 

Bruce had always counted on you to understand that the Hulk was not - absolutely not - Bruce. 

And there you’d been, accusing him of creating this monster he hated so much.

Bruce took a step back, his eyes falling to the ground. “If you leave this house, I will not hesitate to use force.” And then he plopped himself on the couch.

You looked up, seething, spotting Tony leaning against the door to the kitchen. He shrugged, jerking his head to the stairs, silently signaling that maybe you should retreat to your room.

Feeling like a child who hadn’t gotten what she wanted, you ran up to your room, crossing Steve in the hallway and not even bothering with wishing him luck. For all you cared at that moment, they could all burn.

You felt like your insides would fall out as you tumbled into your room, slamming and locking the door. You sat on the edge of the bed, holding a pillow to your belly, hoping the pressure would prevent your insides from spilling out.

What had you done? Why had you gone and said those things? The image of Bruce’s face falling, that look of utter bewilderment and betrayal passing across his features, haunted you. You rocked on the edge of your bed, feeling the tears brimming behind your eyes, an odd sort of pressure building in your head. 

You knew he was there before he even spoke. The air shifted, like a soft wind inside a glass jar, and the sound of fabric against fabric echoed in your otherwise dark room. 

“He’ll kill you,” you said, biting on the edge of the pillow to keep from sobbing.

“I am not really here,” he answered.

Relief and disappointment. They would not be able to hurt him if they caught him in here. He wouldn’t be able to actually touch you. 

“What do you want?” you uttered, still clutching the pillow, facing away from him.

“I can come and get you out of here,” he said, his voice calm, leveled.

You frowned. “You left me,” you whispered. “You fucking left me, Loki. You didn’t even try. And even if I wanted to go with you, my brother would rip you to pieces before you even set foot in here.”

You could sense Loki’s anger, rippling from him even in his illusion form. “You do not want to come with me?” His voice was rough, as if fighting to stay even. He was sad. 

You clenched your jaw so tight it hurt. “No.” Then you straightened. “No. Leave me alone. You’ve caused enough damage in under a month of being my soulmate. I don’t want to see you again. Now get the hell out of my room before my brother has me put in an actual cell.”

You never got an answer.

When you turned to see if he was still there, the air was empty, dark, silent, as if he’d never even been there to begin with.

DON’T WORRY! I KNOW WHERE THIS STORY IS GOING. I HAVE A PLAN ;)

tags:  @subtlemalice @yallgotkik @buckyandlokirunmylife @kaz11283 @legolas-bromance @shylittlemountain @tofeartheunknown @feelmyfckngsoul @kind-of-crazy-butthatsokay @caffiend-queen @tomhollandsslilslut @lady-loki-ren @nathan-no @rosaline-black @abundanceofcarolines @my-own-oracle @it-was-all-a-beautiful-dream @marvelouslovely @drbaureid @bored-as-hell-666 @youhavemyfantasticbeasts @theinfinitenerd @toe-vind-ek-jou @ink-and-starlight @blank-bakabane @sunshineonloki @holaamishamigos @palegoopbearlight @heyarely16 @pleaseexecuteme @athalahild @help-i-need-a-social-life @tapismyforte @coloursforyourportrait @celestialstarshadow @fukyouthink @lust-for-pan @thic-thor 

[blushing-titan]

Reasons why I believe the cabin vision was Mikasa’s dream - and not an AU

I briefly touched upon this topic in my previous Mikasa/Anti Eremika-themed interpretation, but in this post I’d like to elaborate further - why do I think that the vision from chapter 138 was Mikasa’s dream, and not an actual AU flashback? As in my previous post, a little warning first: there will be spoilers, as I’ll be using panels from the manga.

1. I want to go back...back to our home

Many fans interpreted this as Mikasa having a flashback to alternate reality, in which she and Eren share a cabin in the mountains - a reality in which they’re both living safely and peacefully. However, it’s important to remember that for Mikasa, the meaning of home is very symbolic - it’s been shown ever since the first chapters of the manga:

After losing her biological parents, she feels like she has nowhere to go - her home was just taken away from her. She’s cold and scared...but then, as dr Jeager invites her to live with his family, Eren wraps his scarf around her and says:

...to which she simply replies: ...okay. Let’s go home. She has just been saved, and despite all the horrible things that happened previously, she has a home again - a home symbolised by the good-hearted boy who wrapped his scarf around her when she was cold. In the following years, this fact becomes a source of her strength and will to fight...

...but, as the time goes by, the boy who saved her changes and seems to be drifting away from her. She feels like she’s losing him, so this time it’s her turn to ask:

My point is that ever since they met, Eren has always symbolised home for Mikasa. He has been her safety, anchor and source of strength - which is why it’s so hard for her to accept that, after all his wrongdoings, he may not be the same person that he was when he wrapped the scarf around her. I believe that’s what she meant by saying: I want to go back to our home - in fact, she even thinks about his old self right before the cabin sequence starts:

Now, onto the second argument...

2. Mikasa idealizes Eren in her mind.

I’ve seen opinions that Mikasa views Eren through rose-colored glasses - and it’s not entirely untrue. When he saved her, she created an idealized image of him in her mind - she perceives him as a good-hearted, caring person who would never willingly go against his friends or hurt any innocent people. No matter what he does, she still tries to see him through this filter. It’s the reason why she often misunderstands him.

(Notice how even Armin is concerned by Mikasa’s answer.)

In another example, Mikasa tries to justify Eren’s actions by saying that he had done it all out of care for his friends.

Knowing all that, it makes perfect sense that the Eren from her dream would be an idealized version, too. He openly acts affectionate with her and is devoid of any fiery or violent character traits of the original Eren. Instead of hurting (or saving) anyone, he runs away with Mikasa to spend his last years peacefully, just with her. 

Many fans caught up that this version of him is quite OOC, as it goes against everything that his character represented up to this point. He has always been a fighter, dedicated to his goal of achieving freedom. Therefore, the decision to run away from problems (...along with his general behaviour in the cabin vision) just seems off to many people...but what about Mikasa’s goals? Quite frankly, they perfectly align with what’s shown in the dream - she just wants to be with Eren and keep him safe from harm...

...and yet, with the way Eren is, it’s simply impossible for her in reality...

...so she creates this scenario in her mind, as a way to comfort herself. In fact, it may have been suggested that she’s been dreaming about living away from danger with Eren ever since her training days - she even proposes that they could go back to the settlement together. Ironically, Eren leaves as she’s speaking, without her even noticing - instead, he wants to get stronger to keep on fighting.

3. Author’s note

A while after ch.138 came out, the information about the particular author’s note appeared on the internet. It said (35) draw Mikasa’s ideal, which (to my understanding) suggested that the vision was based on Mikasa's ideal answer to the question asked by Eren a few chapters earlier.

As we know, her answer was family. Later on, she wonders if she could have changed anything by giving him a different reply. Therefore, I believe the cabin dream was based on what she really wanted to say back then, and how she wanted for the following events to unfold.

I’ve seen many fans theorize that the vision was a flashback of the AU in which she gave him a different answer. I’ve said that in my previous interpretation, but I’ll gladly say it once again - Mikasa’s reply shouldn’t have such a huge impact on the future of the entire world. She should never feel guilty about it, as, at the end of the day, Eren went on with the rumbling and it was his decision. I really dislike how much weight the AU theory puts on Mikasa and her answer, when in fact, if Eren really wanted to give up on his plan, he simply would have done it. He had a lot of occasions to stop, one of which being a collective plea from all of his friends - including Mikasa. 

In fact, if he really wanted to run away with her, he could propose this idea himself - however, the fact that it’s clearly stated that her “correct” answer was required for it to happen makes me strongly believe that the vision was indeed Mikasa’s dream, based on her ideal reply.

4. Plot mechanics

Due to the fact that Mikasa’s See you later, Eren appears in the first manga chapter, many people speculated that it must be because Eren somehow saw a glimpse of an actual AU, dismissing the possibility that he could have seen Mikasa’s mindscape. Personally, I’ve never understood this argument - mostly because we already have a few complicated (...and not fully explored) plot mechanics in SnK that could explain this phenomenon - one of them being paths/founder titan’s power.

Ackermans are supposed to be immune to the founder’s ability to alter memories, however Mikasa is still a subject of Ymir. Therefore, as shown in the manga, she can manifest in the paths, meaning that Eren is able to connect and talk with her telepathically. Thanks to that, I don’t think it’s impossible that he may have seen her dreams/memories through paths, even without altering them - and from there, transfer these memories to his child self. Even more - this could also have been done by the original founder - Ymir Fritz - who’s been observing the entire interaction. At this point, it’s implied that she doesn’t have to be ordered by anyone anymore, so it’s perfectly reasonable to think that she acts out of her own free will.

Taking this into consideration, what’s the point in introducing an entirely new and confusing plot device (ability to experience AUs) when the story is one chapter away from finish? In my opinion, there are enough matters that need proper closure and questions to be answered in these final 45 pages - adding a new plotline only complicates everything more, when it should be the time to close up all the already existing ones.

That’s all from me today! Hope I managed to get my points across - thank you very much for reading! ❤️ All the manga panels used above obviously don’t belong to me - all credits go to the author!

[mst3kproject]

Santo and Blue Demon vs the Monsters

When I started this blog way back in ancient times, before 'ad 1 of 2' was even a twinkle in YouTube's baleful eye, I really planned to watch more Luchador movies.  When I look at my catalogue, however, I've only done three: Samson vs the Vampire Women, Curse of the Aztec Mummy, and Night of the Bloody Apes. Why is that, when I've managed to watch fourteen fucking fishman films?  Honestly, I think it's because two out of three were so abysmally bad that I subconsciously wrote off the entire genre.  Can't be having that. Time to give Mexico's favourite sport another chance.

Neurologist Dr. Bruno Hadler has died, leaving unfulfilled a promise of revenge on El Santo and Blue Demon, the wrestlers-slash-superheroes who destroyed his career.  Shortly after the scientist's funeral, his body is stolen by four zombies and a bald hunchback midget named Waldo, and taken to a secluded castle, where they use equipment straight out of a Gamera film to bring him back to life!  With his castle full of monsters and an evil clone of Blue Demon, Hadler sets out to kill not only the wrestlers, but his brother Otto and niece Gloria, who I guess their Mom always liked better or something.

If anybody wants to know, El Santo's name was Rodolfo Guzmán Huerta, and he earned that cameo in Coco. Imagine if Dwayne Johnson only ever played himself, in over fifty movies that were called things like The Rock vs the Strangler's Ghost and The Rock vs the Invaders from Mars, and also had his own line of comic books and became a cultural symbol of justice.  El Santo did all that without ever showing his face in public.  As far as I can tell only two photographs of him without the mask actually exist, one of which is from his retirement announcement and the other his actor's union card.  The guy is a legend.  Too bad his movies suck.

Santo and Blue Demon vs the Monsters is basically just a series of ass-kickings, strung together with the barest possible minimum of plot.  Before the story even starts, we get ten minutes of wrestling.  First it's some women wrestlers we don't know anything about, then it's Blue Demon (Alejandro Muñoz Moreno, almost as much of a legend as El Santo) and three other guys tossing each other around while El Santo just stands in the audience watching.  The wrestling looks like a playground fight, lacking any sort of choreography and is filmed like it's meant to be shown on the six o'clock news.  The director doesn't even try to make it interesting to someone who doesn't already follow the sport... but then, since wrestling fans are the film's explicit target audience, maybe it never occurred to him to try.

We then move on to the two luchadors discussing the death of Dr. Hadler, in which we learn that they've encountered him previously and thwarted some evil plan, and that as well as hating Santo and Blue Demon, Hadler also hates his relatives.  This is all the backstory we ever get.  Gloria asks her father why Hadler hates them so much, but gets no answer – later the mad scientist tells Otto, “you said I was crazy!” but goes into no further detail.  Whatever prior encounter Santo and Blue Demon had with Hadler, we never hear about it.  Is this supposed to be a sequel to some previous El Santo movie I haven't seen?  IMDB doesn't say and I am sure as hell not watching them all just to find out.

Because all the time that could have been spent setting up the story was wasted on guys in speedos grappling, we never get a sense of El Santo and Blue Demon being rivals in the ring but best friends outside it.  We're told about it, but that's not enough when the whole movie is supposed to revolve around this relationship.  Hadler decides to send a clone of Blue Demon to assassinate El Santo because he thinks doing so will destroy Santo emotionally as well as physically, and there is a brief discussion of Blue Demon's 'betrayal', but none of this has any impact because we have never been shown their friendship.  I suppose this is another thing that wrestling fans would already know coming into the theatre, so the film-makers figured they needn't bother.

The other reason Hadler needs a clone of Blue Demon is because the titular monsters of the film are a truly pathetic lot.  There's a mouth-breathing mummy with a visible zipper in the back of his costume.  There's a wolfman and a Frankenstein monster (amusingly, the Spanish spelling of this is apparently 'Franquestain'), both of which look like they bought costume kits at Party City.  There's the same terrible cyclops costume from The Ship of Monsters, which looks very much as if it had simply been sitting in a prop warehouse for ten years before these people dragged it out and gave it a quick coat of paint.  Hadler has an army of zombie slaves represented by guys in green makeup that doesn't even reach their hairlines.  It comes off over the course of fight scenes and sometimes the makeup people didn't bother to do the actors' arms and hands.  There's a creature with an exposed brain that hangs around the evil lab and never does anything. And then there are the vampires.

There are three of these – the main dracula-esque guy and two women in lingerie that he attacked and vampirized on the streets.  One of these attempts a seduce-and-destroy on El Santo, which he almost falls for despite the movie having established that he's dating Otto's daughter Gloria.  The male vampire is a skinny little dude in the traditional tux and cape, who astonishingly manages to turn into an even faker fake bat than the one in The Devil Bat. The fact that the vampire is easily the least threatening out of this entire monster mash makes it downright hilarious that he's the one who tries to take on El Santo in the wrestling ring.  Once he puts on his own mask, it's painfully obvious that it's a completely different actor, and the wrestling itself is once again interesting only to those who like wrestling – the rest of us are too distracted by the guy in the crowd who looks strikingly like OJ Simpson.

At least, unlike Samson vs the Vampire Women, Santo and Blue Demon vs the Monsters keeps its creatures straight, and doesn't have the vampire wrestler transform into a werewolf when he gets unmasked.

The rest of the fight scenes are actually even worse.  At least the Santo-vs-Vampire fight had some focus.  In other parts of the movie, the monsters and the Blue Demon clone just rush into a room and start brawling.  The only evidence of fight choreography is the fact that the goons are considerate enough to take turns rather than dogpiling El Santo all at once.  The camerawork is no more interesting than in the ring scenes and there's never a sense of a 'story' to the fights.  At any one moment we have no idea who's winning or why.

In between the fight scenes, a lot of what we see is just killing time. The monsters wander around and kill a few random extras for no particular reason – doing so doesn't seem to further any part of Halder's diabolical plan, they just do it because they're monsters. El Santo and Gloria go for a drive and make out a little, which is just barely entertaining because Santo is of course still wearing his mask.  In Samson vs the Vampire Women we never saw the title character outside of the context of wresting and/or superheroing... in Santo and Blue Demon vs the Monsters we get to see the luchadors being people, but they have to maintain the mystery of their identities.  Thus we get ridiculous scenes of Blue Demon hanging out backstage in a t-shirt and slacks with his mask still on.  I think we're meant to believe that even El Santo's girlfriend doesn't know his real name.

Nobody in the movie acts like this is weird, by the way, even when El Santo dines at a restaurant with his mask on.  Is this something that goes on in Mexico, Luchadors just wandering around in their masks when they don't feel like going incognito, like the exact opposite of Dolly Parton?

There appear to be two different types of Luchador movies – there are the kind like Night of the Bloody Apes that have Luchador characters, and there are the type like this that have actual Luchadors playing fictionalized versions of themselves. Neither actually have to be bad, but I'm guessing that the ones with real Luchadors are far more likely to be, because of the flaws I've discussed above.  The fact that these characters come with lore that their fans will be familiar with is a gateway wide open to lazy writing.  The need to maintain the mystique makes it difficult to present the characters as people the audience can connect with.  Luchador films are for wrestling fans, and wrestling fans only.

Honestly I would much rather have had the prequel to this movie – the one in which El Santo and Blue Demon ruin Hadler's previous evil plan, and which would explain why Hadler hates his family and how El Santo and Gloria ended up dating without him revealing his identity to her.  But if I have to have this film, I wish we'd seen more of Hadler's midget hunchback assistant, Waldo.  He's not just the Igor to Hadler's Frankenstein, he has mad science ambitions of his own.  Waldo wants to experiment on the captive Blue Demon, but Hadler won't let him, which I hoped would eventually lead to Waldo turning against his master and possibly even out-evilling him to become the Big Bad.  Sadly, it was not to be, and we barely even see him again.  I haven't spent this much time wondering where Waldo is since... well, Where's Waldo.

[bookwyrminspiration]

is it still council-hating hours? even if not, this is something that's been bothering me for....so long. and i am going to explode if i don't say it right now. (In fact i actually have a doc titled "council incompetence rant" that is. getting a little long.)

One of the things that annoys me the most in Keeper is how utterly incompetent the Council is. They are shit at their jobs! They don't make sense! And that would be fine if that was something that was explored and talked about in the story, but it's not?

Like, sure, it's brushed on a little, but Keeper never goes in-depth in order to explain just how flawed and corrupt the system is! We have no idea how far the rot goes because we haven't been given a chance to see how far it goes, and despite the earlier books being really great setup for all kinds of plots and discussions surrounding the Council, it feels like Messenger is completely dropping that in favor of..."Neverseen Bad, Council + Black Swan Good". Which I call fucking bullshit on, by the way, because this series has gone to pretty decent lengths before to show that it's not the case! So WHY are we getting to that now?

Well, I think all of this is the symptom of a bigger problem.

Note: I don't want to be mean, and please tell me if I'm being too critical here, but this series has some serious problems actually delivering on what it's saying.

Like, it's trying to tell us that Sophie shouldn't be doing all this because she's a kid, but then it treats her very own existence as a project as background information when that should absolutely be at the forefront (like it was in earlier books)!

It's trying to tell us that discrimination against the Talentless is bad, but then every single member of it's cast has an ability, has a strong ability, and regularly uses their ability! Even Dex, who could have easily been talentless and good with tech, gets to be a Super Good Gadget Person thanks to his ability as opposed to his own creativity and ingenuity.

It's trying to tell us that maybe banishing children is bad, but also tells us that Exillium is now """fixed""" because Oralie gave them...better tents? Food? And never touches on the fact that children are still. getting. banished. It doesn't explore Tam's anger in detail, Linh is only there to be the token asian girl, it does nothing to fully dispel any thought of the Council being alright.

And it's trying to tell us that the Council fucks up, it's showing us that Councillors have no problem being incredibly selfish and violent and so many other terrible things, but that never changes. Nothing in Keeper is changing. It is only maintaining the status quo!

I'm confused as to what Messenger is trying to tell her readers! Are the Council good or bad? Is working with the Council good or bad? Are the Black Swan and Neverseen actually morally grey? Should I be angry at what's happening in these books? Am I meant to look at all the rot and shrug because "that's just how it is"?

And like...I wouldn't be mad if Keeper was just...bad! I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be as distraught! What really grinds my gears is that Keeper has the chance to be good. It has the chance to do great things - and at times it absolutely does! - but it keeps reinforcing belief in a deeply flawed and broken system that is regularly hurting people. And those examples were just off the top of my head!

And again, if this was explored within the series, that would be amazing, but the problem is that it's...not. And that's just...a real fuckin' shame, honestly.

- pyro

(sorry if this was like...too angry? i started and then kinda just...couldn't stop. i should probably get a hobby that's not tearing a middle grade series apart. oops.)

it may have been over a week since you sent this (thank you for being patient with me!!), but fuck yes it is still council hating hours. it is always council hating hours in this household that is not actually a house. (also that incompetence rant sounds intriguing)

yes! you are right! they are so bad at what they're supposed to be doing it's like they're just figures for people to look to and say "yea they'll take care of it" to keep everyone else from acting out! but it's really interesting to see a government so awful and incompetent be such an integral and influential part of the story...without acknowledging that they're actually really bad? I know in Unlocked there's a line where Shannon says something like "Sophie had to figure out who the bad guys were: the black swan? the council? someone else entirely?" but then it's never touched on again that I can remember. Thinking through the series, I honestly can't think of a situation that the council, of their own volition, saw was an issue and corrected in a way that was beneficial to those who needed it. Like yea, Oralie gave money to Exillium, but that was after Sophie chewed her out about it. I think i've said it before but in case not: it feels like they've taken the "for the good of the many over the good of the few" ideology too far in a society that doesn't work for. If someone threatens the majority (and often that's just in appearance only) they get rid of them to preserve the image of the rest. It doesn't care about their people, it cares about the majority of people feeling undisturbed.

considering Sophie is part of a huge organization created literally because their society, led by that system, isn't working for a lot of people, they (the Black Swan) sure do go along with the council a whole lot. I think one of the linked posts in one of my masterposts is specifically about how making the Black Swan work so closely with the council screwed them over and completely undermined everything they were working towards. I'm going to make a very vague comparison here, but the Black Swan feel like "we need to fix the system" while the Neverseen are "the system is broken lets start over" (except the Neverseen added a lot more violence into the mix). It's absolutely infuriating to have them working side by side: one, because the Black Swan aren't accomplishing any of their goals and should cut their losses and go back to being mysterious underground groups with more freedom to move (in my opinion), but two, because it makes the council seem like it's trying to fix things when really it feels like a publicity thing to make the public think they're addressing the rebel issue while they're really just showing up in places and causing problems. And!! that's another thing! it feels like their collaboration with the Black Swan is to address the problem of having rebels, not the problems these rebels have identified and are trying to fix. Unfortunately, it seems the council is getting their way more than the Black Swan, getting them to act more legally and work closer with less room for working outside the system. if that makes sense.

considering it's literally stated in unlocked that there is no "good" and "bad," there does seem to be a lot of focus on associating the Black Swan with being Right, and the Neverseen with being Wrong. I can hope that it's the outward reactions to the Black Swan realizing they've done some fucked up stuff (Sophie) and are now overcompensating and trying to make sure their every move is the correct one. But I do think it will be interesting to see if Sophie makes the connection in canon (as she's already started to) that there isn't always a right option, there's just the best you can do with a situation and the Black Swan's insistence that she was "in the wrong" (a summary) helps her realize her own values and think through their decisions with her own perspective instead of just trusting them

response to your note: you're fine! you bring up a good point that this book sounds like it wanted to be a unique perspective (by having the "good guys" also be questionable and give the "bad guys" reasonable motives) but the execution misses the mark for a lot of us. so you're qualms and observations are entirely valid and I don't think you're being mean at all! I think you're expressing a frustration you have with something, which I support and encourage.

at times it feels like Shannon bit off more than she could chew in terms of all the complicated things she could get into when it comes to this series. not saying she's doing a bad job or a horrible author or anything, just that there are some things she introduced that kind of get left behind or unexplored because there's so much else going on. I think we can see that in the whole being experiment part of Sophie life. we saw sophie was uncomfortable with it in the first few books and would sometimes bring it up, but I personally would've been more satisfied if she'd either taken the time to process it (opposed to her think about that later strategy) or come to the realization that no, she isn't okay with it and she deserves to have her thoughts on the matter heard. she was literally created to serve someone elses purpose, and brought into the fight too early at that. and yet it's treated like an "oopsie, guess we just gotta go with it" thing, like this minor part of her story when I bet her thinking about it for more than a minute at a time would absolutely wreck her. but I'm getting caught up in this, so moving on!

I think we can see it in the talentless too, as it's treated like a "that doesn't affect me" thing for Sophie. because she doesn't have any friends that are talentless right now--the closest she's got is Marella, who I think is still legally considered talentless with her pyrokinesis. it's been acknowledged that she doesn't think the way talentless are treated is right, but it doesn't impact her right now so she's not really doing anything about it. maybe if this was brought back later with someone like Jensi, then that would be a satisfying conclusion to this issue (not a conclusion, but it wouldn't be left hanging, if that makes sense). And I can understand the benefit of leaving things open to go back and explore later from a writers perspective, but at a certain point it becomes more of a hindrance to the story than anything else.

and exillium! I have so many thoughts on Exillium that I actually started talking about it earlier in this post. They're not doing anything unless prompted and what they do is the bare minimum. With the tents and the food, they aren't fixing Exillium, they're making it into what it should've been at the very least were they going to actually go down that route. So I can't praise them for it when it's just basic decency to provide literal children with food and shelter when you force them to be somewhere they don't want to. But all this doesn't fix Exillium, because the problem is that it exists in the first place. The problem is that the council saw children who were struggling, and decided the best thing to do with them was to just get them out of the way for everyone else. Three coaches total for leadership? yeah, there's no way that place was ever supposed to be "alternate learning" or however Oralie phrased it, that was just so you could say you hadn't completely abandoned them in the middle of nowhere.

you're so right about the council fucks up bit--I think the most obvious example of this is with Sophie's ability restrictor. Yea, she's not wearing it anymore, but that's not because the council changed their minds. It's because she broke the law and the didn't punish her for it. this is a great example of how things keep trying to move forward, but the council isn't doing anything to stay up with it. "they are selfish and violent[...] but that never changes." yes!! this!! you put it so well! the council is still the same old council that we saw in book one, concerned with their own interests and their own views, just trying to mitigate the damage Sophie and her friends are capable of doing to their system. Note: the fact that a handful of teenagers who haven't even graduated can do this much damage might be telling of the structural integrity of their system. Bronte and Terik did a little flip, and Alina replaced the Now Crispy Kenric, but aside from that nothing has changed.

I will say, I personally don't want it to be clear who the good guys and bad guys are. (not saying that's what you're asking for! just piggybacking off your comment on the confusion). I'm glad that the characters make me think and I'm grateful there isn't just the "we're good and they're bad" element you see in other stories. not that that's bad, i just think realistically they'd be more complex and their simplicity grows repetitive after a while. But like I said, at times it feels like there's too much going on for there to be a clear message, which in and of itself could be the message. i could be seeing something where there's nothing, though. I think part of it might be Shannon trying to take on all these complex narratives and perspectives with a limited perspective (as in she only has Sophie to tell the story through), while also needing to make it enjoyable and palletable to a young audience.

and I agree with you! I think it's a lot of the potential we see not being used that makes us so infuriated (or me at least). Because there are some stories yo uread where you're like "ah. it's just one of those stories. cool." and you move past it. Because you know it's going to have a set perspective and you know it's going to accomplish what it wants, but Keeper seems to have so many possibilities and Shannon's getting stuck in this rut of good and bad after so long. maybe we'll get out of it in the next book with sophie thinking the Black Swan was in the wrong, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that Didn't Happen.

it's just like what i was saying about Ro! There's all these opportunities for these characters and this world to be really explored and fleshed out and complex, but we've gotten stuck in this romance drama and loosing fights again and again with little progress. All their actions are undoing the Neverseen's actions and counting it a victory because no one is dead. I just think there could be so much more that we're not getting because the story tried to go too broad when it wasn't ready for it.

this response got very long but in essence: I agree with your assessment of the story. is frustrating to see so many of the details and paths we'd like to see explored that often aren't in fiction just pass us by.

there is a special place for keeper in my heart and I will always appreciate it for that, but I also mourn what it could've been.

(also: you are not too angry! you have genuine thoughts about this series and they deserve to be heard! we are allowed to have complaints, even about the things we like. we don't have to appreciate every single aspect and we're allowed to be mad at the things we don't like.)

[killianmesmalls]

On your comments about Jack: ye-es, in the sense that Jack is a character who definitely deserved better than he was treated by the characters. The way Dean especially treats him reflects very badly on Dean, no question. But, speaking as a viewer, I think the perspective needs to shift a little bit.

To me, Jack is Dawn from Buffy, or Scrappy Doo. He’s an (in my opinion) irritating kid who is introduced out of nowhere to be both super vulnerable and super OP, and the jeopardy is centered around him in a way that has nothing to do with his actual character or relationships. He’s mostly around to be cute and to solve or create problems — he never has any firm character arcs or goals of his own, nor any deeper purpose in the meta narrative. In this way, he’s a miss for SPN, which focuses heavily on conflicts as metaphors for real life.

Mary fits so much better in that framework, and introducing her as a developed, flawed person works really well with the narrative. It is easy for us to care about Mary, both as the dead perfect mother on the pedestal and as the flawed, human woman who could not live up to her sons’ expectations. That connection is built into the core of SPN, and was developed over years, even before she was a character. When she was added, she was given depth and nuance organically, and treated as a flawed, complex character rather than as a plot device or a contrivance. She was given a voice and independence, and became a powerful metaphor for developing new understandings of our parents in adulthood, as well as an interesting and well-rounded character. You care that she’s dead, not just because Sam and Dean are sad, but for the loss of her development and the potential she offered. So, in that sense, I think a lot of people were frustrated that she died essentially fridged for a second time, and especially in service of the arc of a weaker character.

And like, you’re right, no one can figure out if Jack is a toddler or a teenager. He’s both and he’s neither, because he’s never anything consistently and his character arc is always “whatever the plot needs it to be.” Every episode is different. Is he Dean’s sunny opportunity to be a parent and make up for his dad’s shitty parenting? Yes! Is he also Dean’s worst failure and a reminder that he has done many horrible things, including to “innocent” children? Yes! Is he Cas’s child? Yes! Is he Dean’s child? Yes! But also, no! Is he Sam’s child? Yes! Is he a lonely teenager who does terrible things? Yes! Is he a totally innocent little lamb who doesn’t get why what he is doing is wrong? Yes! Is he the most powerful being in the universe? Yes! Does he need everyone to take care of him? Yes! Is he just along for the ride? Yes! Is he responsible for his actions? Kinda??? Sometimes??? What is he???

Mary as a character is narratively cohesive and fleshed-out. Jack is a mishmash of confusing whatever’s that all add up to a frustrating plot device with no consistent traits to latch on to. Everything that fans like about him (cute outfits, gender play, well-developed parental bonds with the characters) is fanon. So, yes, the narrative prioritizes Mary. Many fans prioritize Mary, at least enough that Dean’s most heinous acts barely register. To the narrative (not to Cas, which is a totally different situation), Jack is only barely more of a character than Emma Winchester, who Sam killed without uproar seasons earlier. He’s been around longer, but he’s equally not really real.

I debated on responding to this because, to tell the truth, I think we fundamentally disagree on a number of subjects and, as they say, true insanity is arguing with anyone on the internet. However, you spent a lot of time on the above and I feel it's only fair to say my thoughts, even if I don't believe it will sway you any more than what you said changed my opinions.

I'm assuming this was in response to this post regarding how Jack's accidental killing of Mary was treated so severely by the brothers, particularly Dean, because it was Mary and, had it been a random character like the security guard in 13x06, it would have been treated far differently. However, then the argument becomes less about the reaction of the Winchester brothers to this incident and more the value of Jack or Mary to the audience.

I believe we need to first admit that both characters are inherently archetypes—Mary as the Madonna character initially then, later, as a metaphor for how imperfect and truly human our parents are compared to the idol we have as children, and Jack as the overpowered child who is a Jesus allegory by the end. Both have a function within the story to serve the Winchester brothers, through whose lens and with whose biases we are meant to view the show's events. We also need to admit that the writers didn't think more than a season ahead for either character, especially since it wasn't initially supposed to be Mary that came back at the end of season 11 but John, and they only wrote enough for Jack in season 13 to gauge whether or not the audience would want him to continue on or if he needed to be killed off by the end of the season. Now, I know we curate our own experiences online which leads to us being in our own fandom echo chambers, however it is important to note that the character was immediately successful enough with the general audience that, after his first episode or two, he was basically guaranteed a longer future on the show.

I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure why the perspective of how his character is processed by some audience members versus others has any bearing on the argument that he deserved to be treated better overall by the other characters especially when taking their own previous actions in mind. I’m not going to tell you that your opinion is wrong regarding your feelings for Jack. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, it harms no one to have it and express it. My feelings on Jack are clearly very different from your own, but this is really just two different people who processed a fictional person in different ways. I personally believe he has a purpose in the Winchesters’ story, including Castiel’s, as he reflects certain aspects of all of them, gives them a way to explore their own histories through a different perspective, and changes the overall dynamic of Team Free Will from “soldiers in arms” to a family (Misha’s words). In the beginning he allows Sam to work through his past as the “freak” and powerful, dangerous boy wonder destined to bring hell on earth. With Dean, his presence lets Dean work through his issues with John and asks whether he will let history repeat itself or if he’ll work to break the cycle. Regarding Cas, in my opinion he helps the angel reach his “final form” of a father, member of a family, lover and protector of humanity, rebellious son, and the true show of free will. 

From strictly the story, he has several arcs that work within themes explored in Supernatural, such as the argument of nature versus nurture, the question of what we’re willing to give up in order to protect something or someone else and how ends justify the means, and the struggle between feeling helpless and powerless versus the corruptive nature of having too much power and the dangerous lack of a moral compass. His goals are mentioned and on display throughout his stint on the show, ones that are truly relatable to some viewers: the strong desire to belong—the need for family and what you’ll do to find and keep it. 

With Mary, we first need to establish whether the two versions of her were a writing flaw due to the constant change in who was dictating her story and her relationship to the boys, which goes against the idea that her characterization was cohesive and fleshed-out but, rather, put together when needed for convenience, or if they both exist because, as stated above, we are seeing the show primarily through the biased lens of the Winchester brothers and come to face facts about the true Mary as they do. Like I said in my previous post, I don’t dislike Mary and I don’t blame her for her death (either one). However, I do have a hard time seeing her as a more nuanced, fleshed-out character than Jack. True, a lot of her problems are more adult in nature considering she has to struggle with losing her sons’ formative years and meeting them as whole adults she knows almost nothing about, all because of a choice she made before they were born. 

However, her personal struggles being more “mature” in nature (as they center primarily on parental battles) doesn’t necessarily mean her story has layers and Jack’s does not. They are entirely different but sometimes interconnected in a way that adds to both of their arcs, like Mary taking Jack on as an adoptive son which gives her the moments of parenting she lost with Sam and Dean, and Jack having Mary as a parental figure who understands and supports him gives him that sense of belonging he had just been struggling with to the point of running away while he is also given the chance to show “even monsters can do good”. 

I’d also argue that Jack being many ages at once isn’t poor writing so much as a metaphor for how, even if you’re forced to grow up fast, that doesn’t mean you’re a fully equipped adult. I don’t want to speak for anyone else, but I believe Jack simultaneously taking a lot of responsibility and constantly trying to prove to others he’s useful while having childish moments is relatable to some who were forced to play an adult role at a young age. He proves a number of times that he doesn’t need everyone to take care of him, but he also has limited life experience and, as such, will make some mistakes while he’s also being a valuable member of the group. Jack constantly exists on a fine line in multiple respects. Some may see that as a writing flaw but it is who the character was conceived to be: the balance between nature or nurture, between good and evil, between savior and devil. 

Now, I was also frustrated Mary was “fridged” for a second time. It really provided no other purpose than to give the brothers more man pain to further the plot along. However, this can exist while also acknowledging that the way it happened and the subsequent fallout for Jack was also unnecessary and a sign of blatant hypocrisy from Dean, primarily, and Sam. 

And, yes, Jack can be different things at once because, I mean, can’t we all? If Mary can be both the perfect mother and the flawed, independent, distant parent, can’t Jack be the sweet kid who helps his father-figures process their own feelings on fatherhood while also being a lost young-adult forcing them to face their failures? Both characters contain multitudes because, I mean, we all do. 

I can provide articles or posts on Jack’s characterization and popularity along with Mary’s if needed, but for now I think this is a long enough ramble on my thoughts and feelings. I’m happy to discuss more, my messenger is always open for (polite) discussion. Until then, I’m going to leave it at we maybe agree to disagree. 

[vidalinav]

Why? Why? WHY? Rant 2.0

ACOSF is very interesting to me, because there was absolutely no reason to have any of them be so antogonistic to Nesta when she was at rock bottom unless it’s to set up that they’re still going to be problems with Nesta in later books. That’s what SJM set up whether she meant to or not and only time will tell. But If the IC and the sisters had said nothing and were more neutral and the plot stayed the same... it would have been a better book. If they showed an ounce of compassion, it would have been a fantastic book. If there was a mixture of different views on the matter, it would have been a realistic book. Except in the narrative we got, the amount of antagonism is too strong for what didn’t happen to negate that, which is also why I have such a bad feeling about this healing arc. Let me explain.

Let’s say they said nothing. They told her about the intervention. Nesta agreed albeit still feeling a bit betrayed because she wanted more time to heal. Rhys was quiet, not sneering. Mor didn’t say anything. Amren was civil maybe business like. They were a bit pushy about using her powers, but Nesta conceded after learning about the baby. They were never directly antagonist. Elain stayed away, but we’d obviously know why from Nesta’s POV. We would also know why Feyre is not there, because Nesta doesn’t want to see her. Cassian would then be there to segment the romance and be the person she leans on, when she is healing. Maybe she’s a bit mean, but he takes it. He challenges, eventually he shows the more caring part of himself and the romance begins. Everything else can stay the same, mostly Cassian too. IF that all happened, then I would be more inclined to believe that the intervention was necessary, that Nesta had a skewed perspective, that they all might have tried to help at some point but Nesta was the one pushing them all away and did so up to this point. She would have her revelations, her epiphanies, and realize hey perhaps she is mean sometimes, or she would still have her personal hatred, and it would be about accountability, but no one is actively proving her right about her skewed perspective. The consequence is then not that she is being shamed into healing, but that without healing, she would lose her relationships and she wants them. She grows to want them. I would then be inclined to believe that the IC were waiting her out, possibly having Feyre or Cassian in their best interest if not Nesta, and that they were minding their own business until they directly needed Nesta involved. Not hostile, but wary perhaps. And then when Nesta did start healing and opening up, then their reactions would have made sense in that they were lightly friendly but not close, and it was up to Nesta to really fix those relationships. And when she did sacrifice her powers, then it would have been purely internal, that Nesta was proving to herself and to others that she’s open for love and that she loves them, particularly Feyre. The entire healing arc then would have been more internal because it focuses on Nesta and not the IC’s involvement with Nesta, and the outcomes and the ending are still the same. 

Opposite wise, let’s say that the IC/sisters were empathetic, as in the arc that would be more external. Healing not just for Nesta but for the relationships. A reciprocal sort of love. Feyre would tell her that they’re intervening, but because they care for her and she’ll learn in due time. Rhys would maybe be more hard-pressed, but we would see instances where he understands the darkness, the hollow feeling. We would have Amren who looks deeply concerned for Nesta, because she had been her friend at some point. We’d have Elain, who would come to the library desperately seeking comradery and even though she cries at what Nesta says, she understands that Nesta is hard-pressed and only recently started healing. Cassian would possibly be getting frustrated, but there would always be this internal monologue of I want Nesta to heal. I want that girl back. I understand as a soldier if nothing else. Having this deep sorrow in his chest from perhaps not being able to do anything but wait. Mor wouldn’t have to be nice, but she would see how Nesta fits in the library, know the pain of growing up in a gilded cage, would perhaps see Feyre and Cassian and feel compassion for her friends and want to perhaps help for them, so she offers to teach Nesta how to dance. Nesta then would slowly open up to them, open up to love, and all of the ugly parts of herself, the hateful, angry parts would then be juxtaposed with the action of everyone else, with the love that she needs to feel for herself, the love that came even at the last moment with her father. And when she sacrifices her powers, it’s just proof again, that she loves, and she wants to love, and she’s willing to be hurt for love, because she wants to feel it all. And then the relationships at the end would then be open to be made, to be healed more completely, but then I would understand this hopeful sort of ending where her story is complete, but also just beginning. 

Third option, is that we could get a bit of everything, because why does everyone have the same opinion as it seems in the book? Perhaps it’s Feyre and Cassian who completely show compassion, empathy. Elain could still have the problems, but either show empathy, or completely be antagonistic. Azriel is fairly neutral, Rhys is maybe more neutral where they’re waiting it out, but there are no bad opinions towards her. The antagonists could be Mor and Amren. Any of these people could be switched in that role, but the point would be that a few are neutral and more business like or minding their own. A few could possibly have bad intentions and it would be clear. And some would be undeniably empathetic, and I don’t mean to be kind--I mean that they understand, they have viewed Nesta through her eyes, and understand what she is going through and are unwilling to give up on her. The empathy would be the important aspect. But the point would be that none of them change their characteristics. The antagonists would still be fairly antagonistic. The mind your own’s would be open to a friendship, but the friendship would need work but there is a foundation for it. The empathetic would be completely close to the main, because they have stood by her, they have fought, and Nesta would realize this in her own personal journey. They have segmented a bond. The plot would be the same, except we’d now see that some characters suck more than others, and there’s definitely character arcs and growth that need to be made, but it would lead to future books that that might be highlighted and therefore leaves the door open for the rest of the series. 

HOWEVER, what we got is very odd. 

Because all of these characters start off antagonistic. All of them have some comments that are goading (except for Azriel). We have Feyre who makes the embarrassment comment, Rhys who... is antagonistic in many places. I won’t list them all. We have Mor and her lines. We have Amren and her lines. We have Elain and her lines. And no variation with anyone. Nesta gets proven right about her wrong perspective. She has an internal healing arc that seems to just morph into another odd perception, because she’s never proved wrong about herself, but she’s proven right about how good Cassian is (rolls eyes). She notes that she might like who she's becoming by the end, but how? Why? What has occurred to disprove her irrational thoughts? At the end, she is still very much irrational. Nesta still thinks too highly of Cassian, and she thinks too highly of everyone, and very little for herself. She is ripped wide open emotionally though, but that happens after the solstice scene where life suddenly looks very good. She apologies to Amren, who probably least deserved the apology, and to Cassian who also makes comments, but keeps making comments until the end where he means to apologize but doesn’t get the chance to by plot. Oh wait, she does apologize to Feyre about telling her about the baby, I think, but that situation is just swept under the rug for how dramatic it ended up being. Her not wanting to exist is also one and done. The necessity of the intervention is never highlighted, so the reader questions if it was necessary. I question if she might not need an intervention from them. Some of them stay the same throughout (Azriel, maybe Elain... maybe Feyre). Some of them miraculously change to neutral, even if nothing happens to change their mind (Mor). Some of them just change completely (Amren). Some of the relationships are only really fixed because of the baby plot (Rhys and Feyre). And Cassian is probably the only one who has the most reasonable scenario on why that relationship blooms, but it’s questionable if it was truly satisfying because ultimately the only person who really had growth was Nesta even though there are two POVs. And at the end, no one still has shown empathy. Well actually Gwyn and Emerie showed empathy, so perhaps the motivation in healing with Nesta was just added friends, a mate, and distraction. Which I guess... but why then involve so much of the opinions of the IC/sisters if they don’t mean too much? Why emphasize the danger of Nesta, the badness of Nesta, the problems with Nesta, and not negate any of these in scenes with the people that are perceiving her like that. Especially if the goal of this is not to just heal but to heal relationships, as it seems like that was the goal or should have been the goal if the perceptions of others were emphasized. So the end was almost too happy, too hopeful for an arc that started off with such deep trauma and every relationship seemingly failing to a point where the others are antagonistic, and who the narrator received the bare minimum at best to facilitate change... It’s a balance issue I’m telling you.

And, I am making general statements about what happened for good reason. I am trying to show how this could be more satisfying, if the aspects of the story was changed just a teeny bit. I have never read a book so deep in good and bad things. So easily arguable and all it took was how other people affected the narrative. So, I ask why? Why not make the IC/sisters empathetic or neutral or a strong variation of all three (empathetic, neutral, and antagonist). Why have all of them start fairly antagonist, very obviously antagonistic actually, and then have no major scenes of disproval? Because if you start that dramatic you need dramatic scenes throughout to facilitate the dramatic ending. If you start very low or very angry and the ending is suppose to be higher than rock bottom, the middle scenes should be a tug of war. So where was it? Why do it? 

WHy? why? WHY???????

[goldenkookietae]

Love Borrowed (M) | KNJ

BTS One shot

Pairing: Musician!Namjoon x reader

Word count: 7,011 words

Warnings: fluff, cute, excessive love for books (not really a warning but idk), little heartbreak(?), smut

Summary: It’s been a long time since you’ve visited the local library. But when you do, you didn’t expect to bump into Kim Namjoon, a book lover just like you. When you start spending all of your time together, you realise that maybe everything in those romantic novels you loved could actually happen in real life.

A/N: Omg, I just added this one to my personal favourites and I am so surprised that I was able to finish this faster than my other ones. Anything that crosses your mind while reading this, comment or send me an ask! Hope y’all enjoy it!

Disclaimer: This story is an AU fan fiction that I have created using the names of the members of BTS. I do not claim any ownership over the members of BTS. The plot and the personalities of the characters are entirely my own.

Do not plagiarise my work and do not repost.

*

Moodboard

*I do not claim ownership over any of the pictures. They are credited to their original owners.

Stepping out of the house that day felt different. No one was giving her worried stares, no one was trying to convince her to stay home and no one had so far, looked at her with pitiful eyes. Y/N felt free after a very long time. It wasn’t as though the people around her were very controlling, not at all. It was just something everyone did while looking out for their loved ones.

A soft breeze ruffled her hair, stray strands moving to cover her face as she walked down the road she knew like the back of her hand. Pushing them behind her ear, she sighed in content, her eyes locking onto her destination. A small village where everyone knew each other, and everything was just a walk away. Nothing had changed much, except for her.

The local library was an old building, not the most famous, only recalled by youngsters struggling with assignments and a few rare people with a penchant for reading. That was why she was there that day, a familiar feeling of comfort settling into her bones as she entered the brick building. There were only about five people inside, maybe a few more in between the shelves, but she could see only students sitting in different corners, for what Y/N assumed was more focus.

The walls were lined with huge shelves of books, some old and rusty, some stained and a few looking brand new which were definitely added recently. Y/N usually preferred books that had a used feel to them, it was somehow better than the stiff pages of books never touched before. The yellow pages gave her an odd sense of relief and unlike other book lovers, she enjoyed marking her books and dog-earing the pages.

The old lady who usually looked over the library was missing that day, but it was evident that no one ever stole anything from the place. People had a sense of trust there, remembering to return books and making sure they were put back in the right shelf. In a way, that was the respect the old lady had earned from the visitors through the years of manning the place.

Y/N stopped in front of a shelf randomly, inspecting the spines of books trying to choose which ones she could take home. The shelves went up as high as the roof (which was actually pretty low) and Y/N was suddenly reminded of the library at Hogwarts. Chucking the Harry Potter books into the must-read list, her gaze went higher, and she came across a book that looked more like a diary, thick brown leather and a tie going around it and disappearing behind. Curiously, she pulled a ladder towards herself and climbed up slowly, clutching the shelves to keep herself steady. As soon as her hands caught the spine, she quickly came down, knowing she might just topple off being the clumsy person that she was.

“Hi.” She jerked when the voice sounded much too loud in the silence of the library, turning around and being faced with a broad chest. Blushing, she looked up at the person, and the first thing she noticed was a dimpled smile. Glasses drooped from the bridge of his nose as he tilted down to look at her. His brown hair fell to the top of his ears, lightly parted in the middle to give a glimpse of his forehead.

This man was beautiful. Even more so when he raised his eyebrows at her and touched her arm lightly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He muttered and Y/N shook her head smiling.

“No, I was just surprised that’s all.”  She said, holding her book tighter to her chest and squeezing it lightly.

“I’m Namjoon. I’m new here.” He held out his hand and Y/N took it immediately, gripping his warm hand and giving it a light shake.

“Y/N.” She said, and when she was about to pull back, Namjoon caught her hand and jiggled it quickly, then swung their hands side to side. To most it might’ve looked weird but Y/N recognised it immediately.

“No one has ever given me a Narnian handshake before.” She laughed and Namjoon followed. It was surprising that this small reference to a movie she’d watched as a kid brought about a burst of comfort while she was in the presence of this stranger, because they were still swinging their hands and neither one of them felt awkward about it.

And that was the beginning of their friendship, that would soon turn into more. Over the next week, they visited the library often, and in between those days, the excitement that came with going to the library shifted from the love of books to the loving company of each other. Y/N found herself struggling to remain silent at times, trying to hide her giggles at the goofy faces Namjoon made from across the shelves.

They fell into a routine of reading, picking a book as soon as they came in and competing as to who would finish their book sooner. The next day, they would exchange their books and the battle for the fastest reader began all over again. Once both were done, they would review each one, telling each other their favourite parts and their interpretations of the how the author meant to deliver certain lines.

Y/N wished she could do this all her life. She was starting to lose these battles, often opting to stare at the man across her than the letters in her book. The book was definitely interesting, and on any other day, she would’ve been so immersed in it that she would skip her meals. But that day, Kim Namjoon, who was reading, sat on the floor across her, his hair tucked into a beret, glasses sitting low on his nose and his back leaning against the shelf, legs crossed and the evening sun casting a golden glow upon him - he, had all her attention. Y/N watched him from the top of her book as his lips lifted into a small smile at what she assumed was a good part in the book. She would definitely hear all about it later from him and she wouldn’t dare forget.

How could this man be so beautiful? How could he, who she barely knew anything about apart from the fact that he loved reading and was a hopeless romantic just like her, be so attracted to him? So much that he was all she could think about every second of the day.

Before she could decide to look away, Namjoon’s gaze abruptly shifted to her and in that moment she froze, her eyes not leaving his and accepting the fact that he’d caught her staring. This happened much too often these days, when they’d pick their books and accidentally catch each other on opposite sides, or when they were both reaching for the same book.

Y/N still couldn’t forget the one time that she’d caught him staring at her while she was reading a Sherlock Holmes mystery. They both knew she’d caught him, but Namjoon had played it off as something so normal, going so far as to pull her bottom lip from between her teeth and telling her, “You look adorable when you read.”

Her cheeks blushed a furious red every time she remembered that day and it didn’t get any better when such compliments became more frequent.

Her heart thumped when Namjoon got up and walked over to her, sitting so close to her that their sides were pressed against each other. Y/N liked the warmth and wondered why they hadn’t done that before.

She turned her head towards Namjoon, when he cleared his throat, something he usually did when he first spoke after a stretch of silence.

“Y/N, I was wondering. Maybe we could read somewhere else tomorrow? I was out cycling last night and I found this amazing place and it’d would make an awesome place to read. You can read in the open air, with a cool breeze and we could bring some food along too. Like a picnic! I know you’ll love it!” Namjoon looked at her nervously, waiting to see if she would share the same opinion as him.

He didn’t have to wait for long. The beautiful description that Namjoon gave her already had her agreeing, but the shine in his eyes when he spoke about it and the way he’d thought of sharing this amazing place with her was what made her heart flutter.

“Of course. Come pick me up tomorrow at my house.” She said, trying to sound casual and hoping to god that he couldn’t hear her heart thundering inside her chest.

And as she sat down on the blue blanket laid on the grass the next day, her heart was still beating out of her chest as she watched Namjoon carry the picnic basket to put it in front of her and then laying down spread eagled. The place really was beautiful, a small clearing in the middle of a field, the sound of a gurgling water from a nearby stream soothing to listen to. She looked down at the man who’d brought her to that place as she fiddled with her hands.

Hesitantly she reached out her hands and touched his hair, and she sighed at how soft it felt. Without thinking much she carded her hands through his hair, noticing that Namjoon had closed his eyes.

“Why did you shift here?” She asked suddenly, the thought of a successful music composer shifting to a small town unexpectedly made her believe that it wasn’t just a casual thing like he’d said before. She half expected her question to go unanswered, thinking Namjoon might’ve dozed off.

But he answered a few minutes later, his eyes still closed as he lifted his head from the blanket onto her lap.

“When I first moved into the city, I loved it. It made me feel important in a way, the busy roads, the constant phone calls, meeting so many few faces, it was all so new. But, it got really tiring you know? I started disliking everything about it, I realised my life had become so hectic, so chaotic, that I actually had no time for myself. I was so lost trying to make a place for myself, I think I lost myself somewhere along the way.” Namjoon paused.

He had no idea why he had decided to spill everything, he hadn’t even answered her question but he knew her. He knew she would understand him, at least that was what he hoped. He didn’t dare open his eyes, because he was scared of what he would see. What if she was uncomfortable and didn’t really want to listen to him talk about his problems? An apology was at the tip of his tongue, guilty for dumping his thoughts onto her out of the blue.

“What made you realise?” Y/N asked, and Namjoon felt his shoulders relax. Her tone sounded sincere, and with all that he knew about her, he could tell that she wanted to know and wasn’t asking just because she felt obligated to.

“Two years ago, it was summer, and one of my friends visited this town. When he came back, I could see the change in him. He seemed much more happy, constantly reliving memories from his trip. It was clear that he met someone there, and the letters he would constantly write, all the time he spent talking on the phone and the kind of songs he wrote, it was obvious. Be it that person, or the town or the people here, it had inspired him to do better. So that’s why I came here. To find inspiration.” he finished. He restrained from telling her more, constantly biting his tongue so as to not slip something she wasn’t ready for yet.

“Did you find it?” Y/N asked, her voice small while she absorbed everything Namjoon had said. At that his eyes finally opened, looking up at her as though he had seen the shining stars in her eyes for the first time.

“Yes, I definitely did.” He whispered, and with slow movements so as to not startle her, he brought his hands to rest on Y/N’s cheeks, praying that she was okay with their pace. After all, she didn’t know him like he knew her. Her comfort was the top most priority and he would do anything to keep her at ease. When he saw her cheeks darken and grow warm in his hands, his eyes slipped to her lips and back up to her eyes, only to notice that she was staring at his lips too.

He pulled her face closer to his, watching her reaction, a bated breath and a million thundering heart beats later, their lips finally touched. And in that moment, everything in his life felt complete again. Their lips moved together in  sync, and Y/N was amazed at how wondrous it felt. How right it felt. Her body responded to his touch so spontaneously that it was hard to believe that she’d met this man just a month ago. He kissed her and held her like she was his entire world and she kissed him back like he was her home.

When they both parted for air, she rested her forehead against his, her form bent over him while her arms went around his neck and laid on his chest. They both breathed heavily, Y/N overwhelmed by all the emotion she felt and Namjoon trying to keep his tears from falling. It had been too long.

Pushing his lips into a smile, he slowly moved from her lap and reached out for the picnic basket that he’d brought. When he opened it, he put out all the food they’d stuffed inside, his hands finding the one thing he was looking for.

“I brought you a gift.” Namjoon said, making Y/N look at him curiously. Her eyes moved to the small package he held and she already knew what it was. Judging by the paper brown cover and the slim but stiff shape, it definitely had to be a book.

She took it from him greedily, carefully tilting the package and letting the book fall onto her lap. The words “Under the Stars” were printed in stylish cursive on the cover, the background showed the twinkling night sky of a city and a boy donned in a yellow jacket stood with his back facing her. It was definitely not a new book judging by the coffee coloured pages and the dog-eared corners. She quickly flipped through the pages, seeing a lot of places where the sentences were highlighted in different colours and a page where it looked like something had been spilt on it.

“I know it doesn’t look great but, it’s my favourite book. I’ve read it more than a million times and every time I start it again, I just read it like it’s my first time. All the highlights, they’re my favourite lines, all the dog-eared pages, they’re my favourite parts of the story. I wanted you to read it. I think you’ll love it.” Namjoon smiled softly.

Y/N was at a loss for words. His words had stirred something deep inside her, because she was so sure she’d never come across anyone more beautiful than Kim Namjoon - the man who stole her heart, in her entire life. His thoughts, his gestures, his words, everything about him was so pure and so honest, falling in love was inevitable.

She couldn’t help it when she pounced onto him from her place, throwing her arms around his neck and not caring that the force of her attack had made both of them fall backwards. She lay there clutching him close to her, feeling a warmth bloom inside her when his arms wrapped around her waist.

“Thank you. I know I’ll love it.” She whispered, and she felt him smile as his face nestled closer into the crook of her neck.

That night, Y/N sat in bed after a long shower, the sheets pulled over her form as she clutched the book above them. Looking at the book made her feel so giddy, the butterflies in her stomach only multiplying when she touched her lips, feeling the lingering taste of Namjoon’s lips on hers. When he’d kissed her good night after walking her home, it had taken everything in her not to cling to him and stay glued to his side.

Y/N couldn’t believe it was happening, her life seeming like all the love stories she’d read in the novels. Their moments were magical, spell-binding and the only thing that made her afraid was that, all such stories did have a tragic twist, and she hated that the thought had even crossed her mind. Nothing could make her give him up now, and she would prove the fact that not all stories were that complicated.

People meet, like each other, fall in love, get married, have a beautiful family and live happily ever after. That was what would happen. Y/N buried her face in her pillow, blushing at the thought that she’d road mapped her entire life with Namjoon just after their first kiss. Clearing her throat she flipped to the first page of “Under the Stars” and began reading.

“I can’t believe this. This book is enchanting.” she said, two weeks later, her eyes roaming over the coloured pages for the hundredth time. Namjoon laid on the blanket as usual, his head resting on Y/N’s thighs as he read a book while holding it up over his chest. The place had quickly become their special place and they spent most of their time there. However, this time around, their focus was always interrupted by each other, with stolen glances and quick kisses.

“Yes, I know, it’s a beautiful book.” Namjoon said, put his book down on his chest and smiling at her. “I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it. I can’t believe it isn’t more popular. The last part when they’re both at the roof confessing to each other, my favourite.” Y/N enthused, remembering the last pages, where almost every line had been highlighted and all page corners had been folded inwards. It made her feel like there was something about this book that Namjoon was keeping from her and that bothered her. She desperately wanted to know.

“Why’re there three colours here?” She asked as she pointed to the highlights. A few lines were marked in yellow and light pink, and a majority of them were in orange as though both yellow and pink had been used, turning it into a different colour altogether.

Namjoon’s response came all too quickly. “Just colours.” He shrugged, and Y/N couldn’t help but notice that there was a little hesitance in his voice. That only confirmed her suspicion, and at the same time made her feel like she was over thinking things.

“I see.” She said, flipping another page full of colours, this one dog-eared. She heard Namjoon hum, before he was pulling away from her and sitting upright.

“Have I kissed you today?” He asked, his finger tapping against his chin as he pretended to think. Y/N giggled and set aside her book, crossing her arms as she imitated his look.

“I don’t know...have you?” She asked playfully, conveniently pushing aside the fact that they’d spent the whole ride there stealing kisses from each other.

“Don’t think I have.” Namjoon bit his lip and Y/N followed, biting her own.

“No you haven’t.” She told him, watching him crawl closer to her as he stopped inches from her face.

“Better late than never.” Namjoon murmured before pulling Y/N to him, their lips clashing hungrily, a need to feel each other closer etched in their minds. Her hands trailed over his chest and reached behind him, meshing with his soft hair trying to pull him closer. His tongue trailed over her bottom lip softly, waiting, and she let out a tiny gasp as she parted her lips. The soft muscle immediately clashed with hers, and she wondered if she could ever stop herself from kissing him.

His hands on her hips tightened as he pulled her up onto his lap, her legs going around his waist immediately so she could feel him against her. One hand reached up to cup her jaw as he bit on her lip and pulled. A moan spilt from her lips as a low groan rumbled in Namjoon’s chest.

Before she could do the same to him, a splitting ache hit her, a sudden jolt of pain as she pulled away and clutched her head. Her brain went blank, her eyes turned foggy for a few moments before the pain receded in waves, making her breathless and exhausted.

Namjoon sat stock still, his hands holding her steady as he rubbed soothing circles into her back while she recovered. She’d already told him about this, and he’d already seen it happen to her once before and also panicked, but Y/N had explained it to him. Since then, he’d hoped. He hated seeing her in pain, but he hoped it could bring back something.

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t on purpose. I really want to-” Y/N started feeling guilty that something like that had to happen in the middle of such an amazing moment, but Namjoon cut her off.

“It’s okay, love. I know.” He smiled, rubbing her arms and giving her a small kiss on her nose. “Do you want to lie down?” He asked, and she nodded slowly, the need to close her eyes growing even more.

Y/N sighed as she let Namjoon do all the work, clearing up the place for her as she lay down. He quickly joined her side and she wasted no time in turning towards him and laying on his chest. His arm spread underneath her, curling around her shoulder to pull her closer as his bicep acted as her pillow.

His warmth, his musky scent and his steady heartbeat. Those were all she needed to fall asleep.

“I’ll let you borrow that one.”

“I’ll let you borrow that one.”

“I’ll let you borrow that one.”

“I’ll let you borrow that one.”

“I’ll let you borrow that one.” 

“I’ll let you borrow that one.” 

“I’ll let you borrow that one.”

The words echoed over and over again and Y/N jolted from her sleep. Her forehead was covered with a layer of sweat and her breath came out in pants as she wiped her face with the back of her hand.

The book, those words, they definitely had to be a memory, and even if it wasn’t much, it meant everything to Y/N. It was like looking through a keyhole, being able to see just a glimpse of it, but not knowing what secrets the room held. But somehow, she knew she didn’t need all of those. She’d remembered something that was enough to make her believe of its existence, and the rest, she knew she had someone to depend on for.

That someone was now sitting up with her, hugging her tightly and rocking her as though she had had a nightmare. She smiled. It was good dream, it was a memory.

““I’ll let you borrow that one”, that’s what I’d said. I remember Namjoon, I gave you that book.” She whispered, and felt him stiffen behind her. Those were words he’d dreamed of hearing, never in a million years thought she would say them and now that she had, he had no clue on what to do.

“How much do you remember?” He asked, his voice shaky and he tried to gulp down the lump in his throat. At his words, Y/N looked away from him, her face frowning as she tried to recollect.

“I’m sorry, it’s not much. But I remember using the pink highlighter. I did those, didn’t I? In the book? I’m really sorry, I am trying to remember but I just-ugh.” Y/N grew frustrated that her memory was failing her the one time she had needed it desperately.

After her accident, she had made peace with the fact that she’d lost two years worth of memories, because she had been around the same people all her life who told her all that had happened. But what she did not expect and never gave much thought to was the fact that all her memories with a particular person had been completely wiped out. 

Her recovery itself had taken more than six months and she’d had an year to get back to normal when she understood that those memories were gone. But had still left a mark upon her. She just hadn’t tried, she hadn’t known to try and remember things at all. As though her thoughts, were written all over her face, Namjoon clutched her closer, sensing the anger bubbling in her voice.

“Shh...baby it’s not your fault. I’ll tell you everything there is to know. You trust me, don’t you?” Namjoon asked, tilting her chin towards him with a finger making her look him in the eyes.

“Yes. Oh god yes, I do. Please tell me. I’m so sorry I forgot you.” Her voice trembled as the first tear rolled down her cheek and Namjoon wiped it away instantly.

“I’m here now. We’re both here now. Together.” Namjoon whispered, pecking Y/N’s lips softly before sighing. His eyes held a nostalgic look, as he opened up a painful part of his memories.

“Remember that friend I told you about?” He asked, smiling when she nodded quickly, “Well, that was actually me. I visited this town two years ago in summer, and I met you in the library. You bumped into me while searching for a book.  It was a fantasy book about werewolves I believe, The Lycan Mark, I think, which I thought was absolutely ridiculous.” Namjoon chuckled as Y/N hit his shoulder playfully, muttering something about werewolves being very interesting.

“Anyway, you gave me the Narnian handshake and pretty much everything happened like it did this time, we read together all the time, and it was then that I’d found this place. I brought you here and we kissed here. You bought ‘Under the Stars’ at a local fair, and you read it first to make sure I’d like it. You marked all your favourite lines and pages with a pink highlighter and gifted it to me one day. I went home and did the same thing with yellow. Most of our favourites were the same, you noticed the orange ones.” He smiled.

“Those three months were the best ever in my life. But then I had to leave, I had visited just for the summer, I had a job back in the city, friends, I had to go back. But we kept in touch, we wrote each other letters like the hopeless romantics we were and we called each other all the time. That happened for around two months.” He sighed, reminiscing all the days, where he’d stare at his phone waiting for it to ring with Y/N’s name.

“And then the accident happened.” Y/N whispered, suddenly feeling an ache in her chest.

“Yes, I know now. I didn’t receive any letters, no calls, and when I called you, the number was out of service. I thought about it for months about what happened, but there was no form of communication. I finally decided that it had just been a summer love, right? And that I should move on, I tried to, for more than an year. But I just got tired of my life there, it wasn’t so exciting without being with you on the phone for hours or opening up your letter. So I came back here to find you, hoping I’d get some explanation.” Namjoon sighed, giving her a sad smile while Y/N clutched his hands in hers.

“How did you know?” She asked, giving his hand a light squeeze.

“The day I met you at the library, you saw me coming towards the building and I recognised you, but you didn’t. I was so confused. I asked the old lady who you were, hoping she’d tell me of anything that had changed about you and she’d just told me everything she knew. For a moment, it felt like my world had turned upside down.” Namjoon chuckled, trying to lighten up the mood when they both knew that he’d been more affected than just that.

“I’m so sorry.” Y/N whispered, bringing his hand to her face and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. Their story was really something like the novels. A fairy tale meeting, happy moments of love. She was right about the tragic twist too, except she didn’t realise until then that it had already happened. But Namjoon was the one who’d fought for her. He had waited patiently and was still doing the same. She couldn’t imagine how difficult it had been for him.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you were in the accident. Or when you were recovering. I’m sorry I ever left.” Namjoon gulped, the lump in his throat making itself painful evident as tears brimmed in his eyes.

“Please don’t apologise, all this time, you’ve been trying to make me remember, right from the moment you met me. The handshake, this place, that kiss, the book,” her voice broke as she held back a sob, "I’m sorry it took this long.” she whispered.

Namjoon simply shook his head, bringing her closer and swallowing her sobs as he covered her mouth with his. He kissed her slowly this time, making sure to savour every second of how her lips felt pressed against him. Feeling comfort at the fact that she remembered maybe not all of him, but at least a piece that connected her to him. They could always make new memories.

They were making one right then, holding each other close as realisation dawned upon them. He held her and kissed her like she was his entire world because that’s exactly what she was. And she kissed him back like he was her home, because that was what he was.

Y/N pulled back to look him in the eyes, her hands softly combing through his hair as she looked at him lovingly. Namjoon closed his eyes slowly, sighing in content as he felt the weight and tension of finally drop from his shoulders, his heart now as light as a feather. When his eyes snapped open, he felt the shift in her gaze as she leaned forward and placed a light kiss on his jaw.

The kiss ignited a fire in his chest and it only burned brighter as Y/N continued to pepper his jaw with kisses, slowly trailing down and breathing on his neck. He felt her lips touch his skin and he shivered when she bit him lightly. Cupping her cheeks, he brought her up to his face again, greedily pressing his lips to hers and slipping his tongue into her mouth to taste her.

His hands slipped under her shirt, rubbing the soft skin of her waist, warm against cool skin. He pulled away from her slightly, still brushing his lips against hers and rubbing soothing circles into her skin.

“Are you cold, baby?” Namjoon asked and despite feeling the chill of the evening settle into her bones, she shook her head just as a shiver ran through her. Namjoon smiled as pulled back from her a little, while she followed his movements to stay closer to him. She watched him pull out another blanket from their basket, spreading it open and wrapping it around her shoulders.

Holding on to the edges of the blanket, he pulled her closer, rubbing her arms in attempts to make her warm. Her lips had found their way back to his neck, peppering kisses while moving higher as she kissed right below his ear. As she adjusted herself closer to him, she felt it, his hardness poking her thighs as it strained against the material of his jeans.

Namjoon flushed a beet red and made to move instantly, clutching Y/N to lift her off of him, but she didn’t budge. Her arms tightened around his shoulders as she wiggled in his lap making sure to brush against his bulge in the process. Hesitantly, he pushed his hips upwards and felt a rush of emotion when Y/N threw her head back with her mouth open.

He didn’t want to rush things and he certainly did not want to make her feel pressured into doing something together and so he bit his lip and looked into her eyes, asking her silently if that was what she wanted.

Y/N couldn’t believe this man, always so concerned about her, always trying to put her comfort above his. Maybe, probably, they were moving a little too fast but when Y/N looked into Namjoon’s eyes she knew she couldn’t wait any longer. Who knew what might happen the next day, life was short and full of unexpected twists every nook and corner, and she could only think of making the most of the moment right there, make every second the happiest. Because that was what Namjoon gave her. Happiness.

And even though her eyes had made her intentions clear, she still said them out loud, to make him happy. “I’m sure. I want you, Joon.”

His heart jolted at that, the form of endearment making it beat faster than it already was. Slowly he turned them both around and laid Y/N on the blanket, her hair splaying out around her like a halo. He stared at her for a long moment, memorising they way she looked right then, going over her features repeatedly to ensure he’d never forget. It was only when she pulled him down by the collar of his shirt whining that he let his eyes close.

Their lips never left each others as they clumsily slipped out of their clothes under the blanket, the chilly night breeze hitting their bare skin and Namjoon pulled the blanket tighter around them.

“Tell me to stop if anything is too much, okay? Promise me.” He whispered, his self control teetering at the edge of a cliff, waiting for him to let go. His erection had become painful, and even if she stopped him right then, he would still have to go sit behind a tree and jerk himself off to ever feel peaceful again.

“I promise.” Y/N whispered before she pulled him to her again, while their hands explored each others skin. She glided her hands over his smooth chest and his abdomen, her fingers tracing the small dips of skin at the edges of his abs. Namjoon let out a soft sigh as she flicked his nipple, and she made sure to remember that it was something he enjoyed.

Namjoon trailed kisses down to her chest, placing tiny kisses just at the swell of her breast and sucking on them, creating hues of pink and purple. A hand came up to squeeze her breast, his other holding him above her so as to not crush her with his weight. His mouth covered her breast as he flattened his tongue against the soft flesh and then flicking her nipple making Y/N moan softly. His fingers imitated his moments on her other breast and her hands travelled up his back as she held onto his shoulders.

With her mind in a mess at how hot and bothered Namjoon made her feel, her thighs clenched together instinctively as she struggled to feel pleasure in her attempts to create friction between her thighs. She pushed her hips upward in need, her skin meeting his, as his hardened member settled into the dip between her thighs. Namjoon let out a load groan as he felt her flesh squeeze together against his member, the fractional moment of pleasure making him frustrated and needing more.

Y/N continued to tease him, enjoying the way Namjoon would release soft gasps while he rolled his tongue around her nipples to make her feel the same intensity. When she’d almost become smug with the fact, she felt Namjoon’s fingers slip between her folds, and she let out a strangled gasp.

“So wet.” Namjoon whispered as he spread the arousal dripping between her thighs all over her heat, flicking her clit before experimentally sliding a finger into her wetness. “So tight.” He grunted as Y/N clutched onto him tighter, her nails digging into his skin as she felt her walls squeeze his finger. He was slowly thrusting his fingers into her, setting a steady pace as he added another finger when he felt her relax a little. Her last time had been more than two years ago, and the feeling felt foreign, yet so much needed as she circled her hips against his fingers.

He slowly added a third finger, his pace going a little faster as tiny mewls slipped out of Y/N’s mouth. Even when she was so tight around his fingers, she couldn’t help but feel the need for more, spilling out the same in words that were lost with her moans.

Before he could push her to her edge she gripped his wrist stilling his ministrations while she tried to regain her breathing. Namjoon looked at her with worry, wondering if he’d gone too fast in the heat of the moment, but Y/N’s next words erased all such thoughts from his mind.

“I want you inside me.” She whispered and Namjoon licked his lips as he slipped his fingers out of her and laid his hand on her belly. Fumbling with a pocket of his jeans lying next to their tangled legs, he tore open the wrapper of a condom as he rolled it onto his member in a hurry.

“Did you expect us to do it today?” Y/N giggled amused, watching Namjoon hurry back into place.

“When you’re around someone you like, you always gotta carry stuff around ya know. Wouldn’t want something so trivial put a break to what could be.” Namjoon chuckled, watching Y/N let out another sweet giggle and he beamed at her. Scooping down to indulge in a rather mushy kiss, his hand travelled down to his length.

Rubbing the tip of his member against her folds, he gathered Y/N’s slick arousal and rubbed it over his length , slowly edging into her heat as she held onto him tightly. Y/N let out a low breath, willing herself to relax as she tried to accommodate the stretch from his thick length. A few seconds later, she nodded to him, Namjoon seeing that as the green light and thrusting into her at a slow pace.

As they both moaned together, a sudden urgency creeped up on them, the need to become each other’s tearing through their skin as they moved faster, Namjoon pumping into her at a faster pace and Y/N pushing her hips up to met his hips for every thrust. They couldn’t describe it any other way than the fear of losing each other again, and the what if’s of whether or not they would find each other again. It was a stinging feeling in Namjoon’s mind, the thought of it making his eyes tear at everything he had been through since Y/N had stopped writing to him. Y/N could sense it in the way Namjoon was breathless, and the salty taste that met her lips when they kissed.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She reassured him silently, watching him pull away from her face to look at her, his pace slowing down again. His eyes shone brighter than the stars in the sky, their light somehow dimming in the wake of his mesmerising eyes. Namjoon was astonished that she could tell what he had been thinking and those were the exact words he’d needed to hear.

“I won’t ever let you go.” He vowed, thrusting into her deeply as Y/N moaned, feeling him hit the perfect spot. Everything was heavenly at that moment, they were in each others arms, warm, and were becoming one under the starry sky. The beauty of it was beyond compare and Y/N bit her lip as she felt Namjoon lower down slightly and press his body against hers gently.

A knot grew inside her, and her back arched, pushing her chest to Namjoon’s torso making him grunt. She wrapped her hands his neck instinctively as he buried his face in her nape, his plump lips touching her skin softly. The knot in her stomach grew as Namjoon thrusted into her faster, his hand coming up again to fondle her clit.

With one flick at the nub, the knot unfurled, Y/N shuddering as hot pleasure shot through her body. It left her gasping and moaning, her held tilted to the side and pressed to the blanket and she pinched her eyes shut. With Y/N’s walls clenching around his member, Namjoon followed her into nirvana, his load filling up the condom as he rode out his orgasm moaning Y/N’s name.

He slowly came to a stop, pulling out and ripping the condom off to dispose it. He laid down beside Y/N after, pulling her onto his body so she was laying on his chest. A few synchronised breaths later, they both turned to each and smiling as though they had something in mind.

“I love you.” They whispered together, a smile growing on both of their lips as their cheeks tinted a light pink. Namjoon slowly titled Y/N’s face towards himself with his hand, kissing her softly before touching their foreheads together.

As they lay under the stars, hugging each other tightly, they were both calm and peaceful. They loved each other and were together and nothing could ever keep them apart. Because no matter what, they’d find a way back to each other. They were each others home, and as they rightly say ‘Home is where the heart is’.

A/N: Let me know if you guys want me to write about ‘Under the Stars’ too. If you do, which member au would you like it to be?

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