#which makes me feel horribly sad and guilty every time

[boofeine]

complicated freak – lsk

pairing: dk x fem reader

genre: smut one shot

synopsis: you feel horrible for pretending to pay attention at anything he might be rambling in front of you right now; your thoughts wherelse, at the image of his thick cock.

warnings: mdni, fingering, dirty talk, roleplay (kinda), one single spank, cum, riding, mention of face riding, fighting dominance, descriptive, protected penetrative sex

song: baby said by maneskin / complicated freak by harry styles / ironically shhh! by viviz also came out :)

tags: @huen1ngk4i @aaniag @svteensworld @unlikelysublimekryptonite

Seokmin is a lot of things, but what he's most known for is his sweetness and kindness. That's what draws you in on first place. He's so welcoming, makes your heart flutter just from receiving his attention. You were done for, when you got yourself just a little bit way too into it, into him, the way butterflies come to your stomach when he gets shy on your presence.

It came as a surprise for you too, when he turned a completely different person between sheets. You have no idea in which point you got yourself in here, but it's definitely not your last. You got your body against his more times than you could admit, and crave it more than you think you should. The problem is that he's so soft, it makes you feel dirty for having this thoughts when he's not burried on your pussy.

You feel horrible for pretending to pay attention at anything he might be rambling in front of you right now. Your thoughts wherelse, at the image of his thick dick. He rests his back on the sofa, his spread legs on the floor not doing any good either as you stare at his side profile while he talks.

The outline of his nose making you remember how deliciously it pokes at your clit while he tongue fucks you, a rush of heat spreading on your body up to your cheeks as your core suddenly feel needy for his attention. Every time he looks up to the ceiling like he's thinking what he will say next, gathering his thoughts, your mind is wilding in how you want to climb up that couch and sit on his pretty face.

"What do you think?" Seokmin's voices echoes, making you blink at him, having not a clue what he's talking about as he stares back at you, waiting for some type of response.

"Hm? Sorry?" You tilt your head, not going unnoticed that you weren't paying attention, your heart dropping to a whole, feeling guilty.

"The movies on saturday? That is this one new movie I was talking about..." He starts again but the ache on your pussy is getting unbearable.

"Hum... Hum... Sounds good" You let out. Your hand shamelessly caressing his biceps, going down his arms as you slightly pull it to you. It's not innocently that the motion makes his soft fingers grease against your exposed thighs. You suppress a gasp, your mouth agape, his hands close enough to where you need him the most.

"Oh, sorry" He says, resting his hand on the side of your body instead, as you tug to his arm. Fuck! Why is he so sweet?

He starts talking about something else again. The same guilty creeping through you as you don't pay a single attention, your body going further as if he will be able to read the signs.

"Seokmin, baby..." You interrupt him mid word, his face moving to look at you, the pet name coming out as a surprise to him "I know you want to talk but my pussy is so fucking wet right now" You shamelessly confess as his eyes bulge.

"Oh-" It's all he's able to reply. Your hands that haven't left his arms, pulling it to your legs. His eyes following your motions and back to your face "You know I'm a little sad you weren't listening to me" He says, not true to his words.

"Seokmin... I-" You try.

"No, No" He cuts off immediately "I was saying something that I really wanted you to know but all you can think of it's my cock on your pussy" He mocks, his big hands gripping a hand full of your thighs this time.

"I'm sorry" You pouts and he giggles a little.

"You should be" He says, restraining his hands from your skin as he takes this to where you left it "So, as I was saying, there's this restaurant..."

You groan, your head going back as you get tired of waiting and being nice "Fuck, Seokmin! Shut up" You let out, your hands grabbing and guiding his hand to your pussy. He laughs, he fucking laughs at how desesparate you are. Pushing the skirt of your dress up to expose your clothed core, his fingers greasing over the material as you relax at his touch, your head going back, eyes shut at finally feeling something.

"They do have really good food" He says back about the damn restaurant to provoke you as you grunt, frustrated. He leans a little closer to your face, cupping your cunt through the thong "But don't worry, the only thing I can think of eating is you right now" He lowers his tone to whisper it to you.

"Good" You answer "Thought you'd never shut up" Your smart mouth takes over as he smirks.

His hand pulls your thong to the side, taking a long stroke at your folds as you mewl, a heavy breath getting out like it needed to. Your hips bulking to his hand and legs spreading almost instinctively.

"Shit, you really are wet" he responds. Seokmin gathers the slick up to your clit, massaging the muscle in small circles. the grip you have on his arm getting stronger each motion of his fingers. You're wet enough to hear the sounds of it as he goes down to enter you with his digits. Your nails dig to his skin, your head lowering as your forehead rests where his shoulders and arms meet. The gasps turning into moans as he fucks you. He moves slowly, watching you break.

"Seokmin, baby..." You say gripping his wrist this time. That fucking pet name again, he wont ever get used to it, his cock tightening on his pants. "Wait" you push him out, your cunt pulsating with the loss but just enough to get up and take your thong out and sit on his lap. He welcomes you like he always does, watching you undo his jeans to be met at the sight of his hardening length pressing on his boxers. But before you can even drink in the sight, he's back at pushing two fingers inside you. Your back arch when he curls them inside, getting on your sweet spot.

You moan out his name as he presses the spot continuously with the tip of his fingers. You can't help but roll your eyes, the knot forming on your stomach as an unimaginable amount of arousal slip out of your entrance. "Fuu- ah! Minnie... Not yet, please!" You beg as you feel your legs shake.

Like he's so obedient to you, he stops, restraining his hands as you squirm over him. "You made a show to have it, and now you're going back?" he spits out as you still try to calm down your breathing, eyes slowly opening.

"I want..." You try.

"What? Say it" he demands as his wet hands from your slick goes under his boxers, taking his cock out with a gasp of relieve. You stare at it, the way he spreads the wetness on his cockhead making you whine at the view.

"I want your cock... inside me" You plea as he starts to bump himself, letting out a groan.

"Of course you do" He says smartly with a smirk "Go get a condom on my wallet" He says. You reach for his pocket, knowing he came with anything else, his wallet soon found as you open it, the package on one of his spaces as you take it from it. You throw it somewhere beside you as you immediately start to open the condom. He hands his base, aligning it for you as his other hand digs to your hips, pulling you to him, watching you take over, pressing up on the plastic before sliding it down his length.

He holds you firmly as you take his base instead, guiding his head to your entrance when you get your body up to receive him. You press him inside, feeling the delicious stretch, your body threatening to give up while you slowly sit down on him. You can see his breathing pace fastening, his chest rising and falling, but you're no different, your head going down, your foreheads getting together as you can feel each others breath. You finally bottoms out, your body relaxing while he takes your mouth on his for the first time today. It's all too much, a whine coming out on his lips when his tongue asks for space. The kiss airy and needy as you make out.

When you feel the neediness again, already adjusted to his size, you start rolling your hips, low moans coming from him as he guides you with his hands on your waist. "Fuck!" he swears under his breath, feeling your walls pulsating around his cock. "Was this what you needed, hm? Was that all running on that head while I was talking?" He says, and you just moan, picking up your pace as if it was going to answer him. "The pretty heads, always the nastiest thoughts, isn't it?" But he isn't any different, he thinks. Those thoughts run just the same for him, too.

You are not answering in words but going faster on him. Until even this, It's not enough. Your hips going up just to sit back in. His head going back with a roll of his eyes as you start to bounce on his cock. His hands going back to your ass cheeks, spreading them apart. "Stopped me just to use my cock as your little fuck toy... so unpolite" He speaks again and you groans.

Your palms fastening to press against his lips as he yelps, but you can see the smirk from his eyes. "You don't ever shut up, do you?" You spit out, your thrusts going faster, the skin slapping sounds starting to fill the room "I guess next time I should take my first plan of sitting on your face. At least then you can talk between my legs if that's something you want so much. How does that sound?" You get closer to say those words, your hand prettily silencing him as you stare at his watery glistening eyes. You can feel the way he twitches inside you and the muffled moans coming out. You know he loves it.

You suddenly calm down your pace, turning it into firm deep, slow thrusts. The heat and pleasure building up as you push yourself to the edge. Your walls hugging him tightly as he starts to feel his balls tightening too. "Cum for me, baby. Come on... make it worth it" You talk him through it, his knuckles white from gripping your ass so hard, leaving red marks of his big hands on it.

It comes at a surprise when he bites the skin of your palm, your hands jumping out of him as you yelp "Fuck, Seokmin! Are you crazy!?" You scream, your cheeks turning red. He hands you in place, starting to fuck you instead, thrusts meeting up your hips. You moan, your hands driving its way to his hair so you can tug on something.

"You should learn to behave and talk nicely" He grunts out, the throaty voice and drool over his lips doesn't go unnoticed. Heat collecting around your bodies, both of you getting close to cumming. "Someone has to teach you a really good lesson" He says lastly, his palm arriving to your skin with one loud hard slap on your ass cheek. The skin tingles, your body going stiff and mouth agape, like you stopped breathing for a second, before you finally let it go. Your body shaking as you cum with a breathy moan. Your pussy clenching nonstop as he cums with a loud gasp right after you. His load emptying on the condom.

Both of you rolling your hips messily trying to ride off your highs, until you're tired and giving up. The wetness is thick enough to make him slide out unintentionally as you both whine from the loss.

You sit back on his thighs, staring while he takes off the condom from his flacid length, tying it up with a knot. His balls and inner thighs glistening with your own juices as you hince at the sight, "I'm sorry..." You say it smally, but he smiles.

"It's ok... I love it" He replies, pulling you to him. And for a moment, you two just stay there, tangled up on each other before gathering corage to get up and clean up the mess.

[sergeantbarnessdoll]

Can I request Bucky x fem reader comfort fic? One night, Bucky trusted reader enough to vent his anger and sadness on her from all the emotional experience he had endured, about everything he had done when he was under HYDRA's control. He talked about the faces that often haunted his dreams and the endless tortures that accompanied the efforts to create the perfect killer. And reader, to Bucky's surprise, listened calmly before hugging him. At the same time, she told him that whenever he needed her, she would be there for him.

Venting » Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier

Pairings: Best Friend!Bucky Barnes x Best Friend!Female Reader

Summary: Bucky goes to Y/N’s room late at night to vent about what he had done when he was under HYDRA’s control.

Warnings: Fluff, language, anger/sadness, crying, hugs and kisses, HYDRA, use of pet names

A/N: Thank you to the lovely anonymous person who requested this🩵

Written on my phone. I’m sorry for any mistakes and typos.

Header made by @buckys-wintersoldier

“Come in!” You say when you heard a knock on your bedroom door.

Bucky walks in your bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“You busy?” Bucky asks.

“Not for you.” You smiled. “What’s up?” You asked.

“Would you be willing to listen if I vented about something?” He asks.

“Of course I will, Buck.” You say. “What do you want to vent about?” You asked, taking a seat in the middle of your bed.

“What I did during my HYDRA days.” He says.

You knew how bad it was for Bucky during his time as the Winter Soldier. Even though you weren’t there, it still hurts you, knowing what they put him through.

“I just…” Bucky hesitates for a moment before speaking again. “I just can’t help but feel guilty about what I did as the Winter Soldier.” He starts. “Yes I know I was under HYDRA’s control, but I still feel guilty about what I did. They found me in the Alps, gave me a metal arm, and turned me into a deadly assassin.” He says, ranting on and on about what he had endured.

You watched and listened as Bucky paced back and forth as he talked, occasionally running his fingers through his hair. You heard anger and sadness in his voice which was also displayed on his face.

“They made me do things I didn’t want to do. They made kill innocent people. They brainwashed and wiped my memory. They experimented on me.” He says, listing more things HYDRA made him do.

Your heart broke for him. You hate that he had to experience all of that. You wish that there was something you could do to help make the pain go away for him, but for now you just sat there and listened to him vent.

“I could’ve been left for dead in the Alps, but they found me and did every kind of horrible things that they could think of.” He says.

As you listened to him, you never realized that he had this much anger and sadness built up inside of him. You could tell he was on the verge of tears.

“On top of all of that, I have to live with the things I did. The nightmares don’t help at all. Those horrible memories and nightmares are always there to remind me what I did.” He says.

You couldn’t take it anymore. You got off your bed and hugged him tightly. Bucky froze for a moment before hugging you back. He melted into your touch. That’s when the dam broke.

“You’re ok. Let it out.” You say softly while rubbing his back to soothe him.

After a moment, Bucky’s cries came to a slow stop. Tears stained his cheeks and soaked the stubble of his beard. You wiped his tears away before giving him a kiss on his cheek. You put your forehead against his, looking in his beautiful blue eyes.

“I never realized that how much of a good listener you are.” Bucky says, making the both of you laugh a little.

“I love listening to you talk, Bucky.” You smiled softly. “Please know what you did as the Winter Soldier wasn’t you. You were under HYDRA’s control.” You say.

“But I still did it.” He says.

“James Buchanan Barnes, I want you to listen to me when I say none of that was not your fault and there’s no reason for you to feel guilty for anything you did when you were under their control. Understand?” You say.

“I understand.” He almost whispers. “Thank you for listening to me vent.” He says.

“I can listen to you talk all day and all night.” You say with a smile. “You can come to my room anytime you want to talk.” You tell him.

“I’ll keep that in mind, doll.” He says with a smile.

“You wanna sleep in here tonight?” You asked.

“Yes please. I don’t feel like being alone.” He says.

You got back on your bed. Bucky laid down next to you, laying his head on your chest. He wrapped his arms around you protectively. The sound of your heartbeat soothed him even more. You rubbed his back to help him fall asleep.

“Goodnight, Buck.” You say softly, kissing the top of his head.

“Goodnight, doll.” Bucky says sleepily before falling asleep.

🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵

-Bucky’s Doll

[londonfoginacup]

Personal stream of consciousness around Liam and grief and moving forward

Every day I wake up and Liam is still dead. It continues to sort of feel like at some point I will wake up and that won’t be true, that he’ll be back, like he’s just on a trip right now. And I think that’s… a normal part of the grieving process, but it’s hard because it feels disrespectful, almost.

I only did 8 days of inktober this year. I had another ten sketched out already in my notebook, and now I wonder what to do with those. Some of them were good! (Some weren’t). I was older than Liam by a month or so, but for some reason I want to be able to go to him now, and show him those sketches, and say, I do art too! Aren’t you proud of me?

Death is a horrible and unnatural thing. It was never supposed to happen to us. We grieve because we were not made to lose people. We were made to love them forever. Grief is our body trying desperately to reconcile with a reality it was never made for. That is why it feels this way. We were not made for a life like this. We were made to hold one another in our arms. We were made to love each other. We were made for more.

I want to tell him that. That he was made for more than he got. I hope someday I can.

When tumblr started having polls, I always voted the Liam option, and in part that was because I love Liam and I would’ve chosen him regardless. But in part it was with the thought that, if he were to ever snoop on our community here, I wanted Liam to see that he had people in his corner. I don’t regret that. I’m sad it’s all I could do.

I was thinking about it earlier. About One Direction. I tried to slice it so many ways and I came to the conclusion that Liam and Louis are the ones that I think were the heart. I think 1D could’ve come back together to tour, make music, and so on, as long as it had at least those two. 1D could never exist without Liam. It just couldn’t. He loved them too much.

Obviously, I haven’t turned my queue back on. I haven’t felt right reblogging current day stuff about the boys. It feels like turning that back on will indicate being ready to move on, to some extent. And okay, I’ll never be ready so there’s that. But. The idea of turning it back on doesn’t feel right. Not yet.

That being said, I started last month preparing for Christmas. For the 25 days of fic rec I do, and the advent fic. And of course cards. I had decided just a week before Everything Happened that I couldn’t afford to do physical cards this year. And I feel ten times more guilty about that decision now, because it feels like surely people NEED that! But I am also trying to be realistic with myself; so many wonderful people have offered to help financially, and any other time I think I would’ve taken them up on that, but right now the emotional and mental weight of doing physical cards might also be too heavy.

Which, again, makes me feel like I’m letting people down when they need me. If I could, I would send all of you personalized letters every day. It is so hard to reckon with the knowledge that I am only human and must take care of myself.

But I will do the fic recs. that’s easy; I’ve already finished the post graphics.

And I will do the advent fic (I might change my plot— the original one didn’t have a lot of Liam, but i think I need him there more).

And I will make some sort of digital cards for sure. It occurred to me this year that I never put my paper dolls online anywhere and I sort of wonder why not. At least maybe this will be a treat for anyone too wary of sending a stranger online their address— all of you can print th paper dolls for yourselves. I’ll make plenty of outfits.

So. That’s my plan, I suppose. I’ve cried writing this more than I’ve cried all week, I think because it’s easy to think that I am past the worst of the grieving right up until I have to look head on at the facts again.

I miss him. I miss him. How could this happen.

[a-secret-inner-life]

I came across a lot of stuff that I could relate to about autism while researching for a paper, which led me to do more research on autism in general. I saw some other people doing this type of post on here, so: autistic people, can you please read my super long and detailed list of possible symptoms I experience and tell me if it seems like I'm one of you? I'm trying to be objective and reasonable and figure out what's going on with myself here.

Sensory Stuff

I like to stim–bouncing my legs, tapping my feet when I sit, occasionally swinging my legs or rocking. I also clench my fists or sit on my hands a lot and tap my fingers on things, or just fiddle with whatever is in front of me. Recently, I count while touching my thumb to each of my fingertips to calm down because someone in a book I read did that and it actually does help me. I also sing the alphabet song repeatedly when I'm working on my website.

Sometimes when I'm very tired or overwhelmed my face feels itchy and I feel like every strand of hair touching me prickles and itches and leaves a red spot (but it doesn't actually).

I have a strong hatred for perfume because it smells too strong and fakey, and citrus scents also drive me nuts, but I really like scented candles.

I'm a super picky eater, although I'm not as bad as when I was a kid. I don't mind the taste of tomatoes, peppers, or onions in things, but I'm still a little grossed out when I know I'm eating them, and the texture of onions freaks me right out, as an example.

I get startled easily. Loud noises don't actually scare me, they just jolt me out of whatever thought space I was in before I heard them.

I also get overwhelmed whenever someone tries to talk to me in a loud car (whether it's loud with other people or just the engine), and I find it overwhelming and incredibly difficult to concentrate when more than one person is talking at once. Whenever I'm in a crowd, it just sounds like this vague roar that gets louder the more I think about it, which can sometimes be overwhelming. Still, I'm good at tuning some things out in select circumstances, like the TV when it's on.

Finally, if I pay attention at pretty much any time when there isn't a ton of other noise, I can hear ringing in my ears. This isn't usually upsetting, and I know it's fairly common for anyone to get tinnitus from time to time, but I'm not sure if most people experience it this much.

Social Stuff

I can not handle eye contact.

I'm also really, really, comically bad at social interactions. I almost never speak to someone I don't know well before they speak to me, and my go-to conversation method is to laugh/giggle and nod, I literally can not make actual conversation to save my life. Sometimes I think of things to say but it doesn't occur to me to say them, or I try to but I'm scared and can't find an opening, or I do say the thing and people don't react the way I want them to (usually it's either confusion or disinterest).

Old ladies are my favorite people because they're the least scary somehow. I also love kids, but I'm still awkward so I rarely interact and probably still freak them out.

I'm horrible at keeping contact and I wait until I know people are offline to reply to their messages because conversation is stressful and I need time to think when I text. Group chats are a nightmare, so I pretty much ghost everyone when I'm in one.

I'm super attached to my family, though. I make an effort to create a deep bond with each of my siblings, and I'm the clingiest person in the world when it comes to my older sister.

I value people very deeply, which might be why I find them so intimidating. I love them and I want them to be happy, and I put too much pressure on the situation.

I used to hate being alone, and I still feel guilty or sad whenever I spend too much time by myself, although I actually love to be by myself, a lot of my hobbies and favorite places are solitary, and I usually prefer figuring things out on my own rather than having somebody right there trying to figure it out with me.

I'm incredibly empathetic. It's not like I can automatically sense people's emotions, but I do make an effort to pay attention and understand what they're feeling and why they feel that way. My siblings come and rant to me a lot, and I can be a good diplomat and see both points of view when they argue. I also care, and I always want to make people feel better, though it obviously doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm too empathetic, or maybe too creative, and I stress out about what someone might be feeling when I don't know if it's an actual issue or not.

Patterns and Stuff

I've always been good at remembering my parents’ phone numbers and our zip code, as well as my friends’ birthdays. I work at a grocery store where I find myself reciting the regular customers’ lottery numbers in my head as they're saying them to me.

My dad used to have a verbal checklist of what to bring to work each morning, and I still recite it every time I hear the words “wallet” and “keys” next to each other. Same goes for my old morning checklist that I don't even follow anymore.

I don't adhere to a strict routine in terms of the general structure of my day, but I definitely have a system or pattern for a lot of my specific activities.

Emotional Stuff

I've been obsessed with drawing and painting for as long as I can remember. I write all the time. I think I dedicated myself and a huge chunk of my life to my hobbies. If I like something, I like to think that I make it my own, and that thing permeates who I am.

When I first started listening to BTS, I scoured literally the entire Internet to find every possible hidden track any of the members ever touched, and there were A LOT. Lately I've been obsessed with Keeper of the Lost Cities, and I can't stop talking about the books. I'm also hyper fixated on Tomorrow X Together.

When I start something, I need to finish it, and I'll often think I'm so close to being done only to continue on it for several more hours, trying to hurry up and finish because I need to get it done now. I'm also pretty bad at switching tasks. I try to multitask, but it doesn't really work out.

I can easily forget about my own physical needs; particularly I don't usually realize when I'm hungry. Overall my needs are very flexible to the people around me; if you want to eat together, suddenly I'm hungry, if you don't feel like stopping, neither do I.

I'm a perfectionist, but I hate asking for help. This is especially true when it comes to my grades and my hobbies. I'm more comfortable when I can control the variables and nobody has to know if I fail.

I'm pretty sure I have executive dysfunction because I put so much pressure on doing things perfectly that I lose the motivation to do them at all, and as much as I need to get something done, I can't make myself do it.

Since I was little I've always been awkward and out of place. I feel like I take up too much space. Honestly, I feel like my existence is lame and embarrassing. I hate myself.

I absolutely suck at decision making, sometimes because I don't want to choose something that other people won't like and partially because I'm just really indecisive. Often I feel stuck or paralyzed because I can't choose one way or another.

Along those same lines, the responsibility of being told to do something for someone else is terrible, and I hate doing these things without incredibly specific instructions because I'm scared of messing up.

I also need to know exact details of whatever activity I'm doing before I do it, and I hate when something big isn't planned out in detail.

I used to have a lot of meltdowns as a child. I’d yell and cry and throw things when I was upset. This still happens sometimes, but not as frequently or as badly.

I feel guilty about everything, including mistakes from years ago that shouldn't matter anymore. This makes me feel sort of unworthy (?), like anything good I do is the bare minimum and if I cause a problem (through anxiety or executive dysfunction) that messes up a project, I feel like I have to do everything else perfectly to make up for it, although I usually end up feeling like I'm coddling myself instead.

I constantly compare myself to others. If someone else has a problem that's worse than what I deal with, I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own negative feelings.

I feel like none of my feelings are valid. I feel and think all sorts of dramatic things that seem like the end of the world, but compared to others, my problems are small, and I feel stupid for having them. I almost wish I had a bigger issue or more dangerous mental problems that would make my responses more reasonable, but my logical side knows that this thinking is wrong.

I've been dealing with off and on burnout since I was around twelve years old (so about five years). I've been told over and over that my mindset is wrong and I need to do a million things better mentally to be less of a perfectionist, but I don't have the energy to put in any effort whatsoever to fix myself. I still get random bursts of motivation that last for short periods of time, though.

Sometimes when I go to bed after a stressful day, I wake up in the morning and I have this uncontrollable dread about starting my day. The thought of getting up sounds impossible, and it's almost like there's something sitting in my chest keeping me down.

[your-local-baguette]

HEYYYY it’s me again with another amazing request😏 okay so this time it’s Marc Snuffi and reader okay so I was thinking Marc has been not coming home in time because he’s a coach and reader made food for him because she was excited because it was his birthday but he came late and reader fell asleep on the dinner table and when Marc came home he saw them and felt bad and guilty and he woke up the reader and she felt sad and marc got sad so he prepared a small dinner for both of them and celebrated his birthday and a kiss😏 (I’m really bad at endings you can change it cuz I don’t really like the end)

I see like no snuffy stuff apart from parental figure so im really happy you requested this. Im also having a kind of writer block so just at the right time lol. May our delusion unite. Im also horrible at cooking so more delusion to believe in

I feel like its gonna be a little short... Anyway enjoy!

To never let go...

A slight humming echoed through the apartment only to be heard by yourself. Your wooden spoon pushed the vegetables around in the frying pan. Fresh fried vegetables, along with some tagliatelle who were cooking in a pot next to you. You swiftly took out plates, dividing the vegetables portion unevenly, more for you beloved husband, he must be hungry after all that work. You also took out the noodles, sprinkling some cheese and sauce over both portions. A bit of salt resting on top of all vegetables pieces and a miso soup on the side. You brought the plate on the table, sitting in front of yours, tapping your nails excitedly against the hard wooden table. The clock ticked, seconds by seconds turned in minutes by minutes.

It had been fifteen minutes and your smile started fading, more tapping your nails in anxiety than excitement. He was usually home by now, you kept your hopes up and waited.

The minute needle on the clock had already did one and half turn, you gritted your teeth in anxiety. It was already eight pm, your eyes started to feel heavy, you layed your head next to your untouched plate. Soft music playing in the background, your mind drifting off to sleep, the second you felt yourself go, the door sound woke you up. You didn't even have the energy to get up, your body and mind too exhausted to do anything, you were wide awake but head layed in your arms and eyes closed. Quiet steps could be heard, like it was done on purpose" im awake love" you said raising your upper body, rubbing your eyes and stretching afterward. You walked toward him and opened your arms to which he welcomed himself." Hello" he said in one of the most gentle voice, you cupped his face, looking up at the man embracing your fragile body." Happy birthday. Let me reheat the mea-" he shushed you with his finger" don't bother, you're clearly exhausted, i'll make something" " bu-" " no bargains" you nodded, lower lip sticking out a bit. He smiled at you expression walking in the kitchen, you sat down and watched his back with a smile. A comfortable silence filling your shared apartment, well that was apart from the soft music in the background.

A plate was placed in front of you, a candle resting in front of it, the last and most important piece to finish this magnificent view, was your husband. Sitting calmly in front of you, face resting in his palm, other one placed over your hand. This was so intimate somehow, you both ate in a peaceful quietness, an intimate dinner, every word shared through your crossing gazes. Smile attached to the both of your lips, they closed like magnets, connecting in a swift but gentle motion. The instant felt like thousand of years, when parted only to be joined in one last peck. An intimated gesture that leaded in one of the sweetest moment.

The music of your first date, playing in the background, both of your bodies swaying around in a romantic dance. The exact same dance of the night of your wedding, both of you stuck in your own world, the other people just absent. Only thinking about one another...

The majestic ice white dress followed your steps, bodies pressed against one another, face inches part. Only eachother for eachother, a romantic slow playing in the background, other couples dancing around. But both of you in center of it all, the flowers decorating your freshly styled hair, lips joined in a kiss that ended and started something. The slow ended, your arms still didn't leave his neck while his still rested on your hips. Clapping could be heard has everyone was staring at you and Marc....

The music fell silent as you both stood in the middle of the living room, embracing eachother in a hope to never let go

To never let go...

[graymanshoots]

See you later

MW3 spoilers read at your own risk!!!!!

Warnings: Heavy Angst, possible military inaccuracies, mwIII spoilers, spoilers, no comfort, They have a son, mitski is the recommended artist to listen to when reading this which should be warning enough.

This is pretty short but I wanted to write something.

Another warning for spoilers just in case you missed the first 3.

"Just another job bonnie and then a’ll be back with ye and the wee one, yeah?" Johnny looked into your eyes, his heart aching at the pain he caused you from leaving.

"You promise?" Your voice shaky as your hands grip his shirt tightly.

Johnny's hands cupped your cheeks gently, wiping away any tears that escaped past your waterline.

He presses a gentle kiss to your lips before resting his forehead against yours. "Promise."

Despite his promise the night before, the tears wouldn't stop when it was finally time for him to go. Your toddler son gurgling absentmindedly, unknowing to why his mother was so tearful.

Standing by the door with your husband's coat in hand, you watch him say his goodbyes to his child.

The sight of him making silly animal noises while playing with the 2-year-old that already looked so much like him, making it hard to keep it together.

It was harder every time he left.

When the boy got tired of playing farm, he crawled off towards his blocks, leaving his father to play on his own.

Johnny lets out a chuckle before standing up and making his way over to you.

A lighthearted smile planted on his handsome face.

“Yer so, so gorgeous, Bonnie," he says, grabbing your hand, pulling you towards him.

You automatically wrap your arms around him, your damp face wetting the front of his shirt.

Johnny's arm comes around your waist while his other hand smooths over the nape of your neck.

"Am gunna miss ye so fuckin' much," he sighs, holding you tighter.

You feel yourself relax in his hold, but the moment is swiftly ruined by the beep of his watch.

"I really don't want you to go," you mutter, knowing that he had no choice in the matter.

"A ken," Johnny says, kissing the top of your head. "Am gunna be late." He finally pulls away, taking his jacket from your hand.

"Goodbye, Johnny, we'll be waiting," you say, already missing his embrace. "No' goodbye, a'll see ye later," Johnny gives you a last kiss before leaving.

If only it was "see you later."

Weeks later, you find yourself crumbling to the ground when a flag is presented to you.

The uniformed man at your door wasn't even audible past your cries.

There was a deep sickness you felt in your stomach, a nausea that bubbled in the back of your throat.

Feeling a hand on your back rubbing soothing circles, you felt yourself calm down. "I'm sorry for your loss…" his voice was soft and held a guilty undertone.

Nothing could have ever prepared you for the agony that was burning through your chest. You'd assume it was akin to a burning knife being pressed into your heart.

Your sadness never turned to anger.

There were never the 5 stages of grief.

It was just hurt, hurt everywhere.

A/N:

I actually cried for hours after playing the campaign.

COD is literally so shit and they literally made a horrible campaign Johnnys death aside.

Nothing made after MWII is canon for me I literally don’t fucking care.

What they did was not good for the story regardl of if it’s a remake.

They aren’t even following the original so them following ever characters death doesn’t matter.

I’m just pissed that they really just gave us bullshit with a shock factor death to take the fucking cake for worst game campaign ever.

Anyways I hoped you all enjoyed I’ll be writing fluff later on to compensate for this.

And if konigsblog is reading thank you for your post about writing a Scottish accent cause it really helped when I was writing this.

[miss0atae]

Random thoughts about Dead Friend Forever episode 11 :

It’s the second to last episode before the end of the series. This episode gave us the final flashback, I believe. We now know what happened after Tee brought Non to his uncle.

▪️ First thing first, I’m glad I was wrong about what happened to No. I really thought he would end up sex-trafficking to repay his debts, but it was less horrible. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a very dreadful situation. At first, Tee’s Uncle wanted to sell his organs, but Tee spoke up for Non and he got spared. Instead of being killed and his organs sold, Non ended up working in the illegal casino of Tee’s Uncle. I don’t know how Non still found the will to live because he lost everything. He never deserved any of the shits that happened to him. He was abused, exploited, abandoned, beaten and scared for no reason. He was just different and all those who hurt him did it because they just couldn’t accept this difference. I’m glad he lashed at Tee and asked him why he had to endure all of that. He just wanted to finish a stupid short movie. He was a normal kid who wanted to do something he likes and his life turned into hell. I felt like crying when Non said he was a loser and couldn’t even get back to his parents because they wouldn’t care for him (which we know is not true but Non never got to know it). The worst thing is Tee didn’t have any answer to give him because they never had any good reasons to be this mean to him.

▪️ The hardest part was watching Non becoming this empty shell while working at the casino. He had a vacant look. His face was still messed up from his beating. He was also hunched and he was unsteady when walking. You could see, he was barely clinging to life. He was also coughing a lot which made me see that he never really got better after being beaten and he must have been exhausted from working a lot. I really wanted someone to just miraculously appear and save him from this hell but this is not the tone of this series.

▪️ This episode was clearly centered around Tee’s side of the story. We saw how guilty he felt to Non and how he wanted to make him leave his Uncle’s place as quickly as possible. He started to work more at the casino and for his Uncle’s embezzlement schemes (don’t know if it is how you should call it). He also got a part-time job at an internet cafe, where he found a way of making more money to give them to Non. Every time, he saw Non, it was a reminder of how he fucked up. Many times, he referred to Non as his friend during the episode. I don’t know if he truly believed it or if it was just the guilt. Non and him had a weird relationship. It was clearly emphasizes during the part where Tee gave him a money envelop. The way Non looked at him and how he reacted it… I don’t know, I felt there were a lot of nonverbal communication between them at this moment. I’m probably over analyzing this part.

▪️ After this moment, we had a glimpse of Tee’s life with his father. We previously heard about him in previous episodes but never got to see it. Tee came back home and couldn't find his father. He isn’t well and Tee is the one who has to take care of him. It clearly has a negative impact on Tee since he must be the responsible one when he should just live a normal teenager’s life. He wishes to have this life he can’t have, instead he has to be involved in his Uncle’s life to be able to get money and to survive. As always, with DFF, you see, this is never all-or-nothing. Tee has a very hard life and he has troubles keeping himself afloat, but at the same time he didn’t hesitate to use and abuse Non to serve his own interest. He knew it would be terrible. How can he not know it? He said to his father he didn’t want to be involved in this gray business. I think you can feel sad for him and understand how difficult it can be, but also vilified him for what he’s done to Non. If only he had found the help he needed before… I don’t know how he would have turned. We would never have this story, I guess.

▪️ This series loves to blow hot and cold. You start to feel pity for Tee and this series shows you, you can’t. The next scene is Tee coming to the casino and not finding Non. Perth is the one telling him and us why. That’s where we discover Non being dead. He died… I can’t accept it. It may sounds crazy but I had this idea of him being away and having a really good reason to not be here in the present… I wanted it to be true. Unfortunately, it isn’t. Non is dead. He died of exhaustion… This is so sad! Tee is as lost as us, viewers. I know the group is at fault with Non, but frankly I was mostly furious with Tee’s Uncle in this scene (This man is a freaking cancer and manipulator). At the beginning of the episode, after Tee spoke up for Non, we learn from his Uncle how Non’s debt isn’t that high in fact. He should have been able to pay it and move on with his life. Instead, he died of exhaustion after everything he went through, alone and sad. He never learned about how his parents did everything to find him, how they died… The only person who knew about his death at that time was Tee… The only person who cried for him at the end was Tee… someone who made him get to this point. Cruel irony! I really cried when reading the message on the paper where he said: “I’m gonna get out of this place. I’m not a loser”. Shit! That hurts. He was counting the day. I can’t believe Tee did nothing after discovering it. He just decided to be sad and depressed. That’s his answer… Yes, he cried. I also cried. Did it change anything? No… I wish he at least tried to do something to avenge him… anything. Even, if it didn’t work.

▪️ Tee decided he just didn’t deserves happiness but happiness found him anyway. That’s when White came into the picture. He just arrived at the internet cafe and apparently became very interested in Tee. They started to spend a lot of time together. White was this flirty and cute boy who wanted to charm his crush. They were cute. I mean the series did something magical because I couldn’t stand Tee and I still found his burgeoning relationship with White, cute and charming. Being in love with White, made Tee realized he could be a good person and he should do his most to get better. It would have been sweet in another series. Right now, it just feels flat after what happened to Non. Poor White, never knew the truth until Tee told his side of the story. White really has nothing to do with Non and he is just a poor boy who fell in love with someone he shouldn't have which dragged him into this mess. He truly is innocent and I will get mad if anything happen to him. I don’t care about the others. They can all die, but not White. If there is only one who deserves to leave this house alive, it’s him.

▪️ Back into the present, Phee takes the gun from Fluke and he wants to stop this madness but Tan/New is set on making everyone pay for what happened to his brother. He has nothing to lose anymore and he will not let Phee stand in the way of his revenge. Besides, he never completely trust him. He starts to smoke and everyone pass out because of it.

Next week is going to be the conclusion of his revenge. How is it going to end? Will Tan/New get justice for his brother? Is anyone going to be alive at the end of the next episode? I’m dying to know. It’s going to be really hard waiting for this last episode. Until now, this series has been really entertaining and I hope the end will be great. I don’t want to feel disappointed.

[taonmaa]

Following my previous post on Gilmore Girls and the ideas that flew out of the window every time Rory got a new romantic interest.

Lorelai’s character, just like Rory’s was diminished to two traits. It was of course different from Rory’s, but painfully obvious none the less.

First one being her inability to let go and forgive. Her beef with Emily, her mom, seems so strained even by the middle of the 3rd season, that it is painful to watch. It does, of course, provide a lot of drama and makes the show exciting, but it leaves a bad aftertaste.

Lorelai, canonically, is 32 when the show starts. It has been 15 years since she ran away from her parents to raise Rory on her own. As the show goes on, we see a lot of moments where Lorelai and Emily discover mutual traits that bring them closer. But they never seem to make up.

I do not intent to say that Lorelai is guilty for every horrible thing that happened. Objectively, Richard and Emily are overbearing and extremely nosy people. But every person with troubled relationship with their parents has to ask themselves a question “Is it worth it?”. And in my opinion, Lorelai’s struggle isn’t justified. Because she knows what kind of people her parents are, and so she should know there is no changing that. But every Friday dinner there is always an argument between her and Emily about some stupid thing, that she keeps on talking about, instead of freezing the conversation. Lorelai is a grown woman, so she really had to snap out of whatever she was in, when making her parents understand her.

Second thing that she was centered around were commitment issues. And yes, the show would’ve been boring without them, and we wouldn’t have gotten puppy-eyed Luke every time she rolled around the diner with a new boyfriend. But the worst thing is that she kept coming back to her exes.

I understand Chris (to a certain degree), he is Rory’s father and it is inevitable. But there has to be some stopper on the extent to which her relationship with him can go. How is it that we got them getting back together three times in three seasons? Christipher is unreliable and a douche, but we can NOT pin the whole situation on him.

With Max Medina? Same story. Lorelai was happy with him, but she couldn’t do it. Understandable. Great plot twist. But the whole story around Rory’s graduation? Why?

To highlight that Lorelai has less common sense than Rory? That’s just sad. Because she is genuinely an interesting and clever woman, whereas writing of the show isn’t even trying to show her as such.

It feels to me like all concepts for the characters and dialogue was written by one person, but the story development was handled by the other. Which is not a good look.

P. S. Honestly I feel bad for wasting so much breath on a show that’s 24 years.

[skzinka]

“ BREACH OF CONTRACT ”

timeline : january, 2022

summary : this kind of decision isn't easy, but maybe it was necessary. ft. lua of ateez

word count : 2.4k>

looking at her reflection in the mirror, inka found her face simply repulsive. her eyes seemed dull, lifeless, her pale face was like that of the vampires in the movies — she could easily have entered enhypen's blood suckers concept alongside calista. a nervous laugh escaped her lips before she rubbed her eyes with the back of her sleeve, today was a special day. it had been a month since the day she'd last set foot in the dormitory, a month that she hadn't replied to the countless messages from her members, a month she hadn't set foot in the agency, prompting her manager to put her on temporary hiatus. of course, many questions had been asked, to which she kindly replied that if they wanted her back, they'd have to leave her alone for a while — what they did, surprising as it was. but now, she had to take matters into her own hands and decide what to do with her future.

so, she slipped on her shoes, despite the incessant sighs escaping from her cold lips. « are you sure you don't want me to come with you? » — the voice behind her back asked softly, drawing a small smile from her as she shook her head negatively, « it's okay. i have to do it myself. »

rising to her feet and pivoting towards lua, the latter moved towards her, slipping her arms around her best friend's figure. « whatever decision you make, i'll always be by your side, okay? » inka felt her heart warming in her chest as she shook her head positively this time, « thank you yuehua, for everything you did to me. i couldn't have stood it without you. » — slightly apart, observing the sincerity in each other's eyes, lua placed her hands against her best friend's cheeks, pressing them lightly, « no matter what kalaya, you're an amazing woman. » a smile appeared on the brunette's face and she nodded, slipping one last time into the arms of the only person who had been able to reassure her properly.

after a brief farewell, she finally set foot outside, hurrying to her manager's car that would lead her straight to the hell she had previously refused to return to. buckling her belt, she sighed again, biting her lower lip nervously, her leg bouncing with stress — glancing in the rear-view mirror, her manager suddenly spoke up, in a voice filled with concern, « how do you feel? »

glancing at the driver before hiding in the hood of the sweatshirt she was wearing, inka shrugged her shoulders, staring at the void through the car window, « horrible. i already feel sick just being in the car. »

the situation was much more delicate than he had thought. and worst of all, he had no idea what to do to cheer her up — so he decided simply to leave her alone until he reached the agency, concentrating on the road ahead. inka thought it would be a good idea to turn her phone back on, all this to deal with numerous long-ignored notifications. glancing quickly at a few of them, she began to feel so bad that an urge to vomit gripped her stomach. how could she ignore her caring friends like that? heartbreaking messages from jeongin and jisung stabbed her in the heart, « no wonder why he's so good at writing sad love songs.. » — she said to herself, trying to ignore the fact that she felt guilty, ashamed and didn't know how to face them after all this time. rubbing the tip of her nose to prevent the tears stinging her eyes from rolling down her cheeks, she locked her phone before tucking it away in her pocket, continuing to ignore the mountain of problems piling up on her back.

after long minutes of driving, which seemed like unbearable seconds to her, the car finally stopped in the underground parking lot of jyp. she stared out the window for a long time, dreading every step she took into the agency — she was completely tetanized, an unknown fear seeping into her every muscle. « you don't have to go, you know.. » announced her manager, who was far too preoccupied with the girl's mental health to leave her in such condition. but despite inka's uncertainty, she had to be brave and keep going. she had to take a step forward in her future for her own good. with a trembling hand, she slowly opened the car door, without glancing at the older man in front of her, « it's okay. i have to do it. » she announced as she stepped outside the car, followed closely by the manager who had promised not to leave her alone for a second.

staring at his shoes as she walked, doing her best not to make eye contact with anyone in the agency, inka hurried to the main lift, climbed up the stairs and stopped in front of her superior's office. but suddenly, she seemed frozen in place, unable to make the slightest movement. she had thought long and hard before coming to that decision, ruminating in lua's bed for nights without sleeping a wink, so why was she hesitating now? the decision was the best one for her, for her health, for her well-being, for her future — so why was it so hard to open the door in front of her?

her breathing quickened as she took a step backwards, her hand trembling as if the temperature were in the negative degrees. her heart seemed to panic, she lost all her means, her manager seemed to be talking to her, but she couldn't hear anything, her voice was completely muffled. tears began to roll down her cheeks uncontrollably, she wanted to scream and vent all the frustration that was consuming her inside. and just as she was about to collapse on the ground, a voice managed to infiltrate beyond the sound barrier she had unconsciously created for herself. instantly pivoting towards the latter, she found herself face to face with her youngest member.

« jeon..gin..? » she barely managed to say, before the young man literally pounced on her. his arms clutched around her, one of his hands positioned at the back of her head as he camouflaged inka's face in his sweatshirt, helping to calm her panic attack. the girl's hands clung to his top, gripping it as if it were her only means of survival — the tears on her cheeks redoubled in intensity, as if she'd kept all the pain in the world inside her, and could finally let it all out. it was horrible to see, a scene capable of distressing anyone, inka's pain was so palpable. « i'm so sorry, » she sobbed, shaking her head against jeongin's sweatshirt, « i'm unforgivable. »

« what are you saying? » he replied softly, pulling away slightly to observe her face attentively, brushing her cheeks with his fingers to wipe away the tears. « you're talking nonsense. i know you needed some time after all that's happened. »

nodding gently, she tried as best she could to control the tears that were rolling down her cheeks — without success. jeongin didn't know what to do to console her, so he simply decided to hold her close to him, laying her ear against his chest so that she could hear the beating of his heart. and after a few minutes, the gesture seemed to work, because kalaya stopped crying, but didn't move away from the young boy. « thank you innie, you're always what i need when my heart aches. » — as if it were the first time she'd ever said something like that to him, jeongin felt the tips of his ears grow hot, his cheekbones too.

as she lifted her face to his, tossing back the few frivolous strands of his hair, a small smile finally appeared on his lips, a smile jeongin hadn't seen in a long time. this simple fact warmed his heart, and he couldn't control his desire to hold her again — so he pulled her against him again, squeezing her as if his life depended on it, as if it were the last time he'd ever see her. inka slipped her arms firmly around him, holding him close to her heart and enjoying the reassuring warmth she had missed so much. thanks to him, she thought of nothing, none of the little problems of her life.

but she was soon brought back to reality.

« you're coming back with us, right? » he asked suddenly, his fox-like eyes shooting straight to the girl's heart. just as she was about to answer, the door to her right suddenly opened, revealing the director, who was relieved to see inka there at last, « ahh, kalaya. come, we need to talk. »

reluctantly letting go of jeongin's hand, inka offered him a gentle smile before stepping inside the office, the door closing behind her. just as she was about to take a seat on one of the chairs in front of her, her eyes fell on an all-too-familiar silhouette : in the second empty seat was none other than bang chan. not wanting to make a scandal of herself in front of her superior, inka sat silently, staring at the floor. what's he doing here?, she asked herself, when she was supposed to have a private meeting without any of her members.

« i've asked bang chan to come, since he's stray kids' leader, he needs to know your final decision. » a certain bitterness crept into your muscles — you wanted to face this situation alone. « so.. fans and stray kids' members have been waiting for you for a month now. we've given you a break, as you requested. but we'd like to know what's going on now. »

inka did not look up and seemed to reflect for a moment. her head was a mess : with so many questions and decisions to be made, like the incessant lyrics of a broken record. before she walked through that door, she had a very clear idea of what she wanted her future to be : a decision that suited her perfectly and that she had thought long and hard about. but now everything seemed to blend together, as if she could no longer say what she really wanted, like an invisible barrier in front of her mouth. cracking her knuckles nervously, she finally looked up at her director, ready to speak — but a voice suddenly overtook hers, « no matter what you're about to say, just know that i'm sincerely sorry and that i'm ready to pay the consequences of my actions. »

it was definitely not what she needed to hear right now — she didn't want to hear him talk at all. the ceo's confused eyes juggled between her face and bang chan's, incomprehension visible on his facial features. but she didn't want to talk about it, she didn't want to explain it, she just wanted to forget it. then, completely ignoring the leader's words, she rose from her seat and approached the desk, placing a piece of paper on its surface, « i want to cancel my contract. »

she could feel two pairs of eyes bubbling towards her, as if lasers were piercing her skull. inka cleared her throat, trying to ignore the boy fidgeting in panic behind her, while concentrating on the tetanized face of her superior. « what? » he asked almost too faintly, a nervous laugh escaping his lips. he probably thought she had some nerves, demanding such a thing after a month's absence — but kalaya intended to remain firm in her decision, and crossed her arms against her chest.

« you heard me right. but.. » — but now she wanted to talk with him alone. « can i talk with you all alone? » she asked, leaning over the desk. the older man nodded and dismissed chan, who reluctantly left the room, casting one last apologetic glance at his younger member.

once the door was locked, inka swiveled back to her superior, who seemed perfectly attentive to her next words. « i want to cancel my actual contract to make a new one. �� suddenly, the panic on his face lifted, giving way to an expression of relief, as if she'd just removed a thorn from his side. a wry smile appeared on her lips, feeling much better that he seemed receptive to her request.

« you scared me, for a second i thought you wanted to leave the agency. » inka shrugged, settling into one of the chairs facing the desk, « oh, believe me, i thought about it. » the director raised an eyebrow, observing her with a questioning gaze.

« until a few days ago, i wanted to leave stray kids and the agency. but i thought long and hard about it, and after mature reflection, i've decided to stay, but with a few extra conditions. » a light laugh left the lips of her superior, who leaned over his desk and crossed his arms, « you've got a lot of nerve, you know that? »

kalaya nodded, a wry smile painting her lips. of course, she knew that discussing her contract with the director was a delicate matter, especially when you know that you could be out of a job at the snap of a finger — but she'd rather get fired for having tried than to have given up of her own free will the dream she'd fought so hard to achieve. which was why she had decided to lay her cards on the table and set her conditions, despite the risks involved.

she was a flower in full bloom, ready to weather any storm.

« i know. but i want to continue to be a member of stray kids, but only if people listen to me and treat me with respect. » — and she was absolutely right. the older man nodded, evidently ready to listen to her requests. so with a winning smile, kalaya explained in detail the conditions she hoped would be validated, not imagining for two seconds what was happening on the other side of the door.

« is she really leaving? »

« ..yes. »

✧⠁taglist : @invuwrld @writerblock-sucks @mynameisnotlaura @alyszaen @felixsbrat @alixnsuperstxr

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova's Notes - North and South Weekly - Chapter 5

In which Margaret has to make yet more decisions...

"'I ask Thee for a thoughtful love, Through constant watching wise, To meet the glad with joyful smiles, And to wipe the weeping eyes; And a heart at leisure from itself To soothe and sympathise.' Anon."

I feel like this poem embodies Margaret's hopes and prayers during this chapter: to not just be happy at the good times, but to also wash away the bad times and soothe others when needed. Unfortunately, we can't say the same for her parents.

"Margaret made a good listener to all her mother’s little plans for adding some small comforts to the lot of the poorest parishioners. She could not help listening, though each new project was a stab to her heart."

Speaking of, even though she's just had a very difficult conversation with her father, she still does her best to be a sympathizing ear for her mother...yet again. Though this time it's even more painful because her mother is talking of a future they can't have anymore. What's also interesting about this passage is that we get to see Mrs. Hale taking an active interest in the parishioners! I know before I said she didn't seem to care about the parishioners, but I'm so glad this proves me wrong!!! It's sad that Margaret has to hear this though :(

“'Oh, mamma, let us do all we can,' said Margaret eagerly, not seeing the prudential side of the question, only grasping at the idea that they were rendering such help for the last time; 'we may not be here long.' 'Do you feel ill, my darling?' asks Mrs. Hale, anxiously, misunderstanding Margaret’s hint of the uncertainty of their stay at Helstone. 'You look pale and tired. It is this soft, damp, unhealthy air.'”

Nooooo Mrs. Hale that's not what she means 😭😭😭😭 I can understand why she jumped to such an extreme conclusion, though. Especially because Mrs. Hale is an anxious person and there's not much room for outside interpretation (unless Mr. Hale was getting a promotion, but he would've told her that, right? Haha, about that...).

"To soothe her mother’s anxiety she submitted to a basin of gruel. She was lying languidly in bed when Mrs. Hale came up to make some last inquiries and kiss her before going to her own room for the night."

Her mom giving her a kiss goodnight :((( I love that we're getting to see a tender side to Mrs. Hale and how she cares for Margaret for once!! It's just sad we won't see this dynamic for long...

"That morning when she had looked out, her heart had danced at seeing the bright clear lights on the church tower, which foretold a fine and sunny day. This evening—sixteen hours at most had past by—she sat down, too full of sorrow to cry, but with a cold dull pain, which seemed to have pressed the youth and buoyancy out of her heart, never to return. Mr. Henry Lennox’s visit—his offer—was like a dream, a thing beside her actual life."

How much of a lifetime has passed between this morning and evening! And wow, you know it's bad when Lennox's offer seems like a dream -- a good one? -- at this point when she was feeling horribly sad and guilty about that just a few hours ago! It makes sense, though. I can understand why even something she associated with uncomfortable thoughts could seem like such a dream now -- because, beyond her own feelings, it didn't affect her livelihood. She was still able to be herself, albeit a little shaken. Now, though? Her entire worldview has been shaken. She feels like the very youth has been sucked out of her.

"She looked out upon the dark-grey lines of the church towers, square and straight in the centre of the view, cutting against the deep blue transparent depths beyond, into which she gazed, and felt that she might gaze for ever, seeing at every moment some farther distance, and yet no sign of God! It seemed to her at the moment, as if the earth was more utterly desolate than if girt in by an iron dome, behind which there might be the ineffaceable peace and glory of the Almighty: those never-ending depths of space, in their still serenity, were more mocking to her than any material bounds could be—shutting in the cries of earth’s sufferers, which now might ascend into that infinite splendour of vastness and be lost—lost for ever, before they reached His throne."

And now, like her father, she too is having doubts of faith. While we haven't seen her religious side, I believe this shows how much her father's doubts have caused her own. After all, I imagine much of Margaret's foundational knowledge of faith would've come from her father: if he "falters", what is she to do? I think this is also her version of coming to terms with her own grief. Looking out her window and seeing the same view is almost mocking to her now. I think it's much the same feeling as when you go through the loss of a loved one and are surprised/annoyed to find the world is spinning just fine and others around you are enjoying their day, as if they don't care about your own woes. As if your world wasn't shattered.

Her father, somehow sensing her mood, joins her and offers to say the Lord's Prayer. She does and thinks:

"God was there, close around them, hearing her father’s whispered words. Her father might be a heretic; but had not she, in her despairing doubts not five minutes before, shown herself a far more utter sceptic? She spoke not a word, but stole to bed after her father had left her, like a child ashamed of its fault. If the world was full of perplexing problems she would trust, and only ask to see the one step needful for the hour."

Again, we see Margaret using self-reflection to put her father's perspective in a light she can understand and, in turn, empathize with. While her wordage was harsh (unless he would be actually considered a heretic, which I couldn't find evidence for -- if he's in good standing with the church, I don't believe it's heresy, though I could be wrong). While I wish her father had given her more words of comfort and empathy, I guess it's good she's able to take a little comfort in this -- though she seems more guilty and ashamed than anything.

"Mr. Lennox—his visit, his proposal—the remembrance of which had been so rudely pushed aside by the subsequent events of the day—haunted her dreams that night. He was climbing up some tree of fabulous height to reach the branch whereon was slung her bonnet: he was falling and she was struggling to save him, but held back by some invisible powerful hand. He was dead. And yet, with a shifting of the scene, she was once more in the Harley Street drawing-room, talking to him as of old, and still with a consciousness all the time that she had seen him killed by that terrible fall."

Oh no!!! A product of her anxious mind, this dream indicates to me that she feels that things are unresolved with Henry (which they obviously are, they did not depart on great terms). I got a lot of symbolism from this one! Henry being in a tall tree trying to reach her bonnet represents his feelings and the lengths he will go to in order to show her how much he cares. Perhaps this is something he did for her before, but now she remembers it in a new light -- and in this dream, it's more exaggerated -- because she knows there was a motive she didn't know of behind the action. But then, something new happens: he falls. This could represent the proposal itself or -- more likely -- just her anxiety of something happening to him before they can resolve their conflict. She wants to help, but an invisible force keeps her back: her own doubts/inability to accept the proposal, or just the usual paralysis in a dream. And then...he's dead. She couldn't save him. I can see this representing the death of the "old" Henry -- the one she was friends with, without the pressure or stress of knowing his feelings. Or, again, it could simply represent her inner worry something will happen to him before they can go back to their friendship.

Suddenly, she's with him again in Harley Street (a familiar setting, before she knew the anxieties of her family) and they're chatting like old times again. However, in the back of her mind, she's still thinking about his death that she just witnessed. If we take my proposal interpretation of the dream, I think this could symbolize her thinking ahead to the future, where she'll have to talk with Henry again (if she's able to visit London/Harley Street), but always thinking of the fact she refused his proposal while being unable to acknowledge it. This is made more likely by Henry doing just that (acting as if he didn't propose to her and all was normal) that same day, right after she rejected him!

Needless to say, she is not refreshed the next morning and she is not encouraged at breakfast. Mr. Hale announces his plans for the day. She knows what this means:

"By seven the announcement must be made to her mother. Mr. Hale would have delayed making it, but Margaret was of different stuff. She could not bear the impending weight on her mind all day long: better get the worst over; the day would be too short to comfort her mother."

I love to see this contrast between her and her father!!! I also love Gaskell for creating a character who doesn't delay bad news in a sea of procrastinator characters (I say, making this post almost a week late. No hate to procrastinators, but I still stand by this!). :D

"Her eye caught on a bee entering a deep-belled flower: when that bee flew forth with his spoil she would begin—that should be the sign. Out he came."

I love that she does this to make herself tell her mother. It gives us a taste of how hard this is for her -- and is also relatable. I've done something similar before to start a difficult conversation.

Sh breaks the news in the most blunt way possible. Mrs. Hale denies it at first, asking where she's gotten this impression:

“'Papa himself,' said Margaret, longing to say something gentle and consoling, but literally not knowing how."

Oh, Margaret 😭😭😭😭 I can't help but see this in a neurodivergent lens. She wants to be the comforting presence her mother needs, but in this, she can't: she's too blunt. NDs often come across as "blunt" and have difficulty expressing their emotions in a way that is expected of them. This especially comes into play when trying to comfort someone...it can often come across as "unsympathetic" or "rude" when it's usually a matter of being unable to express the emotion or not feeling it in the moment, not an intentional act of malice (as some may think). I appreciate that Gaskell notes this as Margaret not knowing how to express comfort to her mother rather than just noting she was blunt in her expression!

“'I don’t think it can be true,' said Mrs. Hale, at length. 'He would surely have told me before it came to this.' It came strongly upon Margaret’s mind that her mother ought to have been told: that whatever her faults of discontent and repining might have been, it was an error in her father to have left her to learn his change of opinion, and his approaching change of life, from her better-informed child. Margaret sat down by her mother, and took her unresisting head on her breast, bending her own soft cheeks down caressingly to touch her face."

Ouch. Yes, he should have told you about it, Mrs. Hale, and the fact that she thinks that tells me she wanted her husband to come to her about these concerns. She believed in the foundation of their marriage. I imagine that foundation is a little shaken now.

Margaret is thinking exactly what I've been saying!!! Couldn't have said it better myself (though I suppose I tried lol). I also love that since Margaret can't offer verbal comfort to her mother -- at first -- she offers her comfort through physical touch.

Throughout the rest of this difficult conversation, I notice that Margaret does whatever she can to both ease her mother’s worries and attempt to put her father in the best light: neither task is easy, but I think she is able to guide the conversation in the way she wants fairly successfully. However, her mother is steadfast that Milton will be worse for them than Helstone ever was — not a promising start. Margaret is glad her mother is focusing on anxieties of the future rather than her father’s coverup. Especially ones Margaret can help on.

To me, this whole conversation shows that Margaret is very in-tune with her mother. She knows how to navigate the pitfalls of her worries and what to say to mitigate them into other worries. We know that her mother always needs something to worry about, so Margaret is good at steering her towards thoughts of what their future will look like. While this doesn’t quite cover up what her father did, it’s better — for now — for Mrs. Hale to be more worried about furniture removal plans (which Margaret can step in on) rather than fixating on why her husband wouldn’t have told her about his doubts sooner (which she said she would’ve “nipped in the bud” — both Margaret and I don’t find this encouraging, and I doubt Margaret can give much clarity as to why Mr. Hale covered this up without added distress). The fact that Margaret feels so much relief afterwards tells me that her mother can be unpredictable, so she wasn’t quite sure if she would be able to soothe her anxieties in the way she had hoped for.

“Throughout the day Margaret never left her mother; bending her whole soul to sympathise in all the various turns her feelings took; towards evening especially, as she became more and more anxious that her father should find a soothing welcome home awaiting him, after his return from his day of fatigue and distress. She dwelt upon what he must have borne in secret for long; her mother only replied coldly that he ought to have told her, and that then at any rate he would have had an adviser to give him counsel; and Margaret turned faint at heart when she heard her father’s step in the hall. She dared not go to meet him, and tell him what she had done all day, for fear of her mother’s jealous annoyance.”

Yikes! This sounds like a very emotionally draining day for Margaret and a very stressful wait for her father. Again, her being the mediator between these two is not a healthy dynamic and I feel for her being caught in the middle.

“Presently he opened the room-door, and stood there uncertain whether to come in. His face was gray and pale; he had a timid fearful look in his eyes; something almost pitiful to see in a man’s face; but that look of despondent uncertainty, of mental and bodily languor, touched his wife’s heart. She went to him, and threw herself on his breast, crying out:—

“‘Oh! Richard, Richard, you should have told me sooner!’

“And then, in tears, Margaret left her, as she rushed up stairs to throw herself on her bed, and hide her face in the pillows to stifle the hysteric sobs that would force their way out at last, after the rigid self-control of the whole day.”

A happy (or, at least, an emotional) resolution for the married couple, after all! It is actually good to see Mrs. Hale moved by her husband’s expression. We’ve heard she married for love, but now we get to see it.

However, it’s not so easy for Margaret. She’s had to keep in her emotions all day and be a caregiver. She knows now that she needs to leave her parents to their own devices (finally, they’re communicating!!!) and in turn, she can be alone to let her emotions out. I can only imagine what it’s like to have held in tears for that long, and it’s no wonder Gaskell uses the word “hysteric” to describe the sobs she releases after all that time kept in. I don’t know how many times I’m going to keep saying it this chapter, but poor Margaret!!! Playing the role of caregiver is hard, especially when you’re not accustomed to it and you’re not supposed to be in that role in the first place. :(

A housemaid alerts Dixon to Margaret’s crying, which….I have mixed feelings about. The maid is worried about her catching an illness, which I’m fairly sure was an actual concern at the time, but like — let her cry??? She’s had a bad day :/

So Dixon comes in and Margaret has to act as if she’s been asleep rather than crying…

“‘I’m sure I don’t know what is to become of us all. When Charlotte told me just now you were sobbing, Miss Hale, I thought, no wonder, poor thing! And master thinking of turning Dissenter at his time of life, when, if it is not to be said he’s done well in the Church, he’s not done badly after all. I had a cousin, miss, who turned Methodist preacher after he was fifty years of age, and a tailor all his life; but then he had never been able to make a pair of trousers to fit, for as long as he had been in the trade, so it was no wonder; but for master! as I said to missus, ‘What would poor Sir John have said? he never liked your marrying Mr. Hale, but if he could have known it would have come to this, he would have sworn worse oaths than ever, if that was possible!’’”

Ooooh, ok, that’s not good. Dixon, learn to know your audience! She even said such things to Mrs. Hale?? Is this the best time to pull “I told you so”s about the marriage?? I also noticed that Mrs. Hale sometimes just…straight up tunes Dixon out if she’s not in the humor to listen to her rants about Mr. Hale:

“Dixon had been so much accustomed to comment upon Mr. Hale’s proceedings to her mistress (who listened to her, or not, as she was in the humour)”

This tells me that she doesn’t always listen to Dixon either — which is good! She shouldn’t! Unless a partner is straight up doing terrible things or is horrible to you, listening to people like Dixon can poison a marriage -- even though she comes from a place of love and compassion for Mrs. Hale. That’s the funny thing — I may not agree with these characters' methods, but as to their motivations — I think they all have had good intentions so far. That's what makes this book so compelling However, in this instance, there’s a time and place to voice your concerns and Dixon is not picking the right time and place.

“‘Dixon,’ she said, in the low tone she always used when much excited, which had a sound in it as of some distant turmoil, or threatening storm breaking far away. ‘Dixon! you forget to whom you are speaking.’ She stood upright and firm on her feet now, confronting the waiting-maid, and fixing her with her steady discerning eye. ‘I am Mr. Hale’s daughter. Go! You have made a strange mistake, and one that I am sure your own good feeling will make you sorry for when you think about it.’”

And here we see Margaret pushed to her limit and…it’s really cool to see! She may not do this for herself, but for her family? Yep, that’s her at her haughtiest and most authoritative. I honestly can’t even blame her! If someone was talking crap about my dad, even if it had some truth to it, I would also do a set down like this, though I hate conflict. Thinking about it, I wonder if she would do the same to all of us if she knew we were also saying things about her dad’s actions that were perhaps not putting him in the best light….hm.

My honest reaction if Margaret set me down:

For real, though, there is something to be said about the dynamic between Margaret and Dixon. Dixon is a servant in Margaret’s home and this creates an obvious power imbalance, as there is a class gap between the two. On the other side of it, Dixon is paid a wage and is an employee of the Hale household. It’s a pretty clear unspoken rule that you don’t take smack about your boss, especially to said boss’s daughter while you’re on duty and if that person is close to them. It’s made pretty clear that Dixon knows not to do this kind of thing in front of Margaret because she knows how close the two of them are: she was just still in “I’m talking to Mrs. Hale” mode.

So, who’s in the “right” here? I want to lean towards Margaret — as she’s the protagonist, she’s had a hard day, and I can’t blame her for defending her family — but her initial thought when Dixon spoke out is she couldn't believe the audacity of a “servant” speaking to her like that. I think if she were to set someone down a similar if there were of a higher rank, that would be fine, but only a servant? That’s when the waters start to become murky: in my opinion, at least. I believe part of her arc will be treating the working class better, so I hope to see this improve! In the meantime, Dixon also needs to improve her attitude towards Mr. Hale, because it is also something that is not helping anyone in the household, especially not in this situation. Plus, there’s also the fact that some of this anger against Mr. Hale isn’t just out of love for Mrs. Hale: it’s also just a grudge against Mr. Hale for being less wealthy than she wanted him to be. So, that kind of motivation isn’t entirely selfless either.

“From henceforth Dixon obeyed and admired Margaret. She said it was because she was so like poor Master Frederick; but the truth was, that Dixon, as do many others, liked to feel herself ruled by a powerful and decided nature.”

Does she like to be ruled, or has that just been her conditioning as a servant? It is interesting that standing up to Dixon caused her to admire Margaret rather than resent her, only because she did it so absolutely and with such authority. I do know there are some people who respect you more if you stand up to them and it might just be a case of that — so I guess it’s that!

“A fortnight was a very short time to make arrangements for so serious a removal; as Dixon said, ‘Anyone but a gentleman—indeed almost any other gentleman—‘ but catching a look at Margaret’s straight, stern brow just here, she coughed the remainder of the sentence away, and meekly took the horehound drop that Margaret offered her, to stop the ‘little tickling at my chest, miss.’ But almost any one but Mr. Hale would have had practical knowledge enough to see, that in so short a time it would be difficult to fix on any house in Milton-Northern, or indeed elsewhere, to which they could remove the furniture that had of necessity been taken out of Helstone Vicarage.”

It is a little funny to see the visual of Dixon trying to disparage Mr. Hale’s life choices, Margaret hitting her with a glare, and Dixon trying to “cough” it off. However, Dixon — while saying it the wrong way — is right. The narrative even confirms she’s right. Mr. Hale giving them a fortnight to move to a whole new town is an almost impossible task! If he had told everyone sooner….

Again the issue is raised: should Dixon be allowed to complain about Mr. Hale? In private, sure. After all, as an employee/servant, Dixon has to bear some of the responsibility and consequences of Mr. Hale’s choice (which is mainly taking care of Mrs. Hale, who is sick with stress). It’s fair to be a bit grumbly about having to pack up an entire household in two weeks!

The problem is, Dixon has to be around someone she can’t complain to, something she is unused to. So, she keeps her silence, almost using it as a tool of “affront” towards Margaret — though I doubt Margaret takes notice or minds much. If she’s willing to give Margaret a “cold shoulder” treatment, this tells me that Dixon is not worried about losing her place in the household. While Margaret is coming into her own and an authority of the household, I don’t think Dixon feels threatened to be fired by Margaret.

And on Margaret’s side, silencing uncomfortable truths you don’t want to hear (while, yes, said in a slanderous way), is not the most healthy thing for her here. She needs to acknowledge that her dad is making a choice that has consequences, and those who have to deal with those consequences should have the right to complain (at least, I think so). Just because someone is a servant doesn’t mean they don’t have valid complaints.

In her defense, though, that’s also her dad Dixon is insulting and she is insulting him here. Her reasoning for silencing the complaints could also be a) lowering the general dissent in the household (which is valid) b) avoiding further distress of her parents (who could be in the vicinity) c) wanting to relieve her own stress (listening to others complain is exhausting) and d) she knows complaining will solve nothing (and if she could stop her mother’s complaining, she probably would!).

If any of the above reasons were nailed down as to why she silences Dixon here, I would probably just go “girlboss!!! What a queen!!!”, but I still can’t get the whole “audacity of that servant!” thing out of my head and I think it needs to be acknowledged again. Still, I can’t blame her for wanting to set someone down for insulting her father. In other words, like everything in this book, it’s nuanced.

“So many arrangements depended on this precision that Margaret resolved to ask her father one evening, in spite of his evident fatigue and low spirits. He answered:

“‘My dear! I have really had too much to think about to settle this. What does your mother say? What does she wish? Poor Maria!’”

?????????????????? Mr. Hale….you can’t…you can’t just pull a “I’m too busy” here. Like??? Take some responsibility for your actions, man!!!

And then he gets upset when he learns that Mrs. Hale is sick from stress! Like, yeah, that’s bad…but what else did he expect springing this on her at the last possible minute, only giving her two weeks to leave their home of twenty(?) years? And now, his daughter — who is trying to plan this ENTIRE move because he’s currently just saying goodbye to everyone and seeming to not do much to help — asks him for help, and all he can say is, “I can’t think about that right now”? I’d be SO pissed!!!!!

Mr. Hale right now:

See, I have trouble feeling sympathy for him when he does things like this. He hasn’t even found a house for them to live in yet!!!!! What kind of fathe—*gets tackled by Margaret*

I regret nothing.

Anyway…

“Now, since that day when Mr. Lennox came, and startled her into a decision, every day brought some question, momentous to her, and to those whom she loved, to be settled.”

As the old adage goes, “when it rains, it pours.” Doesn’t it always seem like one life-changing event triggers off a series of others? If Margaret was allowed to pass this weight on to her parents, this wouldn’t be such an issue, but the fact of the matter is that she’s forced to bear the brunt of this responsibility all on her own — and that’s tough!!! I wonder if she imagines Mr. Lennox’s offer changing their circumstances any: it wouldn’t have, likely. As many of you have pointed out, he himself is struggling and was honestly relying on her to be the rich one in the relationship — so I highly doubt it. Honestly, this might have made this whole thing harder if she had accepted his offer, because then she would’ve had to explain them moving and the reason behind it…I don’t know if that would’ve gone well. Still, inwardly she may have wondered if she has doomed her family by refusing to marry him, though I hope not!

"'I have hit upon such a beautiful plan. Look here—in Darkshire, hardly the breadth of my finger from Milton, is Heston, which I have often heard of from people living in the north as such a pleasant little bathing-place. Now, don’t you think we could get mamma there with Dixon, while you and I go and look at houses, and get one all ready for her in Milton? She would get a breath of sea air to set her up for the winter, and be spared all the fatigue, and Dixon would enjoy taking care of her.'”

Another great idea from the problem-solving queen!!!! This is probably the only way this move can work, if we're honest. Heston has good air and allows for Mrs. Hale's comfort. Plus, it gives them the time they need to find a home. It's genuinely a good plan!

“'Is Dixon to go with us?' asked Mr. Hale, in a kind of helpless dismay. “'Oh, yes!” said Margaret. 'Dixon quite intends it, and I don’t know what mamma would do without her.' “'But we shall have to put up with a very different way of living, I am afraid. Everything is so much dearer in a town. I doubt if Dixon can make herself comfortable. To tell you the truth, Margaret, I sometimes feel as if that woman gave herself airs.' “'To be sure she does, papa,' replied Margaret; 'and if she has to put up with a different style of living, we shall have to put up with her airs, which will be worse. But she really loves us all, and would be miserable to leave us, I am sure—especially in this change; so, for mamma’s sake, and for the sake of her faithfulness, I do think she must go.' “'Very well, my dear. Go on. I am resigned.'"

LOLLLLLL, ok, I have to admit Mr. Hale pulling a whiny "do we haaaaaveee to" about bringing Dixon is pretty funny. I can't totally blame him -- would you want the servant that constantly bad mouths you to go on this trip AND be left alone with your wife to bad mouth you some more?

However, let's get serious here. Um, yes!!! Of course they're bringing Dixon and here's why (other than just what Margaret says):

Mrs. Hale doesn't need any more change in her life -- look at how stressed she already is. How much more stressed do you think she will be if Dixon -- her maid of so many years -- is forced to stay behind?

Someone needs to take care of Mrs. Hale. Dixon is the obvious choice. While Dixon disses Mr. Hale like there's no tomorrow, she is so loyal to Mrs. Hale it's not even funny! And, this is important to note, Margaret could stay behind with her mother -- in theory -- but considering the fact that Mr. Hale won't even decide something as simple as where to move furniture, I doubt he would be able to decide on a home. Margaret no longer trusts him to make big decisions in their lives -- she's determined now to be a part of the process. That's not a great look for Mr. Hale.

Experience. Who knows if the other maids know how to handle a move? We know Dixon does, because she did so once before: when Mrs. Hale was married. It might not be a super big difference, but it's good to have someone who can adjust to this kind of change fast.

Considering Mr. Hale hasn't been around to make decisions, should he even get a say on wether Dixon comes along or not? Technically, he does, as head of the household, but in my heart...NOPE. He lost his chance on decisions a while ago. Either step up, or step out of the way.

I also love that Margaret stands up for Dixon and confirms she loves the family! They may be at odds, but she is still a part of them.

Mr. Hale asks how far Heston is from Milton and she replies it's thirty miles -- not far! Mr. Hale starts to reply that it's not far in miles, but fair in....something (he cuts himself off). This indicates to me that he's going to miss his wife!! Which is super sweet! I won't even pull a "consequences of action" thing...this time. Count yourself lucky, Mr. Hale.

"And now Mrs. Hale could rouse herself from her languor, and forget her real suffering in thinking of the pleasure and the delight of going to the sea-side. Her only regret was that Mr. Hale could not be with her all the fortnight she was to be there, as he had been for a whole fortnight once, when they were engaged, and she was staying with Sir John and Lady Beresford at Torquay."

Awww, Mrs. Hale feels the same way!!! Also very sweet. It's sad they have to be separated, but that's the way it has to be for a while. I also think it's sweet that this makes her think of their engagement days: maybe that will help in the days to come.

That's all for this chapter: excited to see what happens tomorrow!

[dreemurr-skelememer]

☆personally i survive tiktok by forgetting it exists 99% of the time. i reinstall it every 3-4 months use it for like 14 hours straight and then uninstall it immediately after and it works quite well

☆but yea in my experience most people on tiktok have little to no media literacy and im starting to think theyre not even in the fandom for the characters - theyre in it to argue and cause issues and pick each other apart for the tiniest thing. they dont care much about the actual characters themselves at all, they just care about who's enjoying those characters in a "better" and more "morally correct" manner. it's like a competition to them (which is so very. sad.)

☆tiktok terrifies me ahaha

SO FUCKING REAL

i can partially explain why they barely have media literacy, and it can be so easily explained by the fact that tiktok is like. the 6th most popular social media in the entire fucking world.

so many people, usually kids, come onto tiktok as their first social media app and learn internet and media literacy there.

THIS is why it's important to stop misinformation!!!! THIS is why it's important to try and be kind and teach ppl instead of being mean on there but it's JUST NOT THE CASE ON THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! it's so bad!!!!!

they find something interesting (undertale, characters and AUs) and they go on the silly little socmed app and find all these shitty opinions by horribly loud people and then they get influenced.

and they're influenced by it. because it's their FIRST fandom experience. and that fucking!!!! sucks!!!!!!!!

these people are forced to look at things they should be shamelessly enjoying and forced to worry about the fact whether or not they're morally correct when it's literally just things that make them happy.

it makes them grow up feeling guilty. and i think that's fucking awful.

[aprillikesthings]

GOOD MORNING (afternoon actually) time for more she-ra

(I actually started this episode last night lol but wasn't able to finish it)

s5 ep3 corridors

oh this episodes starts with the intro instead of an open. okay.

nnnoooooo

Not only do Catra's ears do a little twitch but it makes a really adorable noise????

Also I just looked at my fic to make sure I mention that Catra's eyes glow a little and got distracted rereading my own porn lolol but yes I did already edit that into a scene

man I feel sad for both of them here. they're both just little kids--with like, zero good role models :(

poor babies

anyway, nice segue

oh those lights are explosions. oh. :(

would you like some heavy-handed but appropriate symbolism

but also the clones are basically stalking her every move, and she runs into the clone that's actually Hordak

I wanted to get a screenshot of her smoothing down her hair and accidentally got whatever this is lol

but yeah Hordak is like "I don't know what you're talking about. anyway go away."

LOL

The ship shuts down and stops in space which is really funny because THAT'S NOT HOW SPACE WORKS unless you're fighting the gravity of a nearby planet or star or something you should maintain your speed forever

but whatever, fantasy universe, plot, etc.

awwwww Catra and Glimmer are talking again. Their banter is so easy to read as flirtatious, too.

It is a struggle not to screenshot every single facial expression they make during this scene.

...Also, I should read my friend's Glitra fics.

THEY'RE SO CUTE

Glimmer mentions specifically raiding the kitchen for cake enough times that I'm 99% sure I subconsciously remembered it when I wrote that short fic that includes it considering I wrote/posted it before I got to any of the mentions of it in my re-watch.

She even mentions eating it with her hands and here I thought it might be weird that I put it in the story lolol

I forgot entire huge portions of plot but remembered Glimmer likes to sneak into the kitchen to eat cake with her hands.

(they're talking about sleepovers)

UGH THIS SCENE IS SO GOOD also the look on Catra's face while she talks about Adora during happier times 🥺

SHIT Daci came upstairs okay I gotta finish this tomorrow

it is now tomorrow :D

don't mind me gonna rewatch this whole scene because it's so painfully sweet

OH ALSO one of the things that's good to note for myself later (re: character stuff) is that Catra is still a little shit here. She opens the conversation by taunting Glimmer about her failed attempts at escape, and when Glimmer pushes back she initially starts to leave.

So yeah. She's always still a bit of a brat.

ALSO I want to note that part of the reason they're willing to tolerate each other at all is that, at this point in the plot, they've both done Pretty Bad Shit. Whether it's the same amount of bad shit is a matter of debate, but Glimmer feels horribly guilty for trying to use the Heart of Etheria and allowing Horde Prime to find them--she's even the reason Catra is on the ship. So they're sort of equals at this point. I don't think Glimmer would be friendly to Catra to quite the same extent if she didn't have that hanging over her. I could be wrong though.

But also yeah they're still very similar people.

look at how soft she is ;_;

but yeah Glimmer's talking here, and oof, look at Catra

do you also have some regrets bb

;_;

and then she gets up and walks off without a word to Glimmer

lol the claws on the wall, absent-mindedly. I know why she's doing that--the urge to leave a mark, however minor--"I was here"--to be even the tiniest thorn in the side of an enemy that unfathomably powerful.

another allusion to Christianity

they went for (synthesized) Gregorian chanting here instead of the organ

oh no it's that fucked-up baptism thing D:

(true story: a lot of churches are willing to baptize you more than once, especially if they're weirdoes and don't think other churches' baptisms count. The Episcopal Church, like most mainline protestant denominations, won't re-baptize you--if your previous baptism was done with the Trinitarian formula ("Father, Son, and Holy Spirit") it counts. This actually gets tricky if you were baptized as a Mormon, because they do use the Trinitarian formula, but they mean entirely different things by it! In some parts of the country you'll get rebaptized, in others you won't. Sometimes they'll do what's called a conditional baptism, where they literally say "If you are not baptized, [name], I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." Like. They insert a "just in case" clause. They also do this for people who just do not know if they were baptized--like if you can't ask your parents whether you were baptized as a baby because they're dead/no-contact. Anyway I was seven when I got baptized, so I remember it, which is nice; but I did text my mom about it when I was about to get confirmed and it turned out she'd kept my baptismal certificate all these years?!)

I don't know if they were going for The Meme this time--I don't think so? it's just a good way to frame this scene? --but I cannot unsee it

oof it must hurt to admit that, but also, it must be a bit of a relief to actually GENUINELY NOT KNOW and be unable to give away anything

"And yet you seek to protect her" dude has her number that's a fact

oh god he tells her to get info from Glimmer D:

"If I could tell you where Adora is I would! She's my enemy! I want her gone!" oh baby you're so convinced

at this point in the plot I'm not entirely sure he's wrong, but of course he misunderstands why it's a bad thing and the solution to it

(I get that a sprinkle of water on your head is a totally valid baptism but also I think more mainline churches should have full-immersion options bc I just think it makes sense from a symbolism standpoint. I know some mainline churches will allow you to do it if you're an adult getting baptized. Depends on the church/clergy.)

ANYWAY real glad that baptismal fonts/pools aren't electrified

And yes bringing Catra there was a threat

And Catra brings Glimmer cake

aww

hm

she could have stood looming over Glimmer here. Instead she's literally on her knees and holding Glimmer's other hand. She doesn't want to intimidate Glimmer into giving her information. She wants Glimmer to kNOW.

Glimmer drops the cake.

I'm gonna chew my fingers off aaaaugh

I'VE HIT THE IMAGE LIMIT i knew I would and I'm only halfway through the episode hold on

[emptymasks]

okay so kokobot....

for those that don’t know, it’s a bot on tumblr where you vent your problem and it sends the message on to another tumblr user who then can reply. the bot acts a a middle man between these messages to keep both users anonymous. it’s advertising itself by spamming every tumblr users dms with self promo.

i know it’s not a scam. but they can’t blame people for thinking it is when they spam dm people. that’s not a good way to market. they should be relying on their own posts and posts of their users, otherwise they run the risk of being reported for spam too many times.

if it’s really helping you, okay good. i believe you. it just worries me that this system basically encourages people who are already mentally ill to be vented to by others, and runs the risk of encouraging people on this site to act like therapists and when they’re not qualified. it’s anonymous so good, it’s like anonymous pen pals, but just for talking about your mental health and issues and vent and encourage and give advice to others, which again none of us are qualified for and could end up making someone’s mental health worse. and then some are making friends, talking about other things, sharing their usernames so they can connect non-anonymously. which does worry me about potentially children responding to adults anonymous problems, the damage it could to do child users, whether they’re matched up with other minors or with adults who could take advantage of their problems.

i see people saying they’re thankful for it. i also see people saying it’s made them feel worse as they’ve gotten horrible replies from people, which sadly was always going to happen and i don’t blame kokobot for users who are using kokobot to bully and troll, that behaviour happens anywhere. though maybe it could have some sort of process to vet people idk how that would work. i’ve also seen a lot of people who like using it upset because it has randomly disappeared or disconnected them and now they can’t find the anonymous people they were making friends with.

it’s probably just something where you need to be smart and careful how you use it. if you know you get triggered easily or feel guilty or sad if you can’t fix other people’s problems, i would say don’t use it. if you want to use it and don’t see any problems, go ahead. just don’t instantly give out your username, don’t give out personal information. i know i’m basically saying have common sense, but with something that is marketing itself to vulnerable mentally ill people i can’t expect everyone using it to be in a good place to act safely. which worries me. yes it’s anonymous, but it seems to already be a common trend to tell people your tumblr username to come off anonymous. so be careful.

[bowtiepastabitch]

.

I'm genuinely having such a moment. I saw one of those posts, really well meaning just a "I was backpacking in europe exploring all these cool cities for ten hours a day last year and now I'm disabled and can't get out of bed" and I'm just.... really sad. I never got to go backpacking in europe or explore cities and ruins on foot or anything I just skipped straight to disabled and can't get out of bed. I worked part time and then I worked full time and then I started uni and got disabled (but I'm still working because what other choice do I have). I've never left the north american continent, and the sicker I get the more expensive it gets to potentially do so because doing it cheap means doing it inaccessible. I got exhausted from walking around a grocery store today. Half my friends on instagram are in fucking Europe right now, spain or france or italy or whatever the fuck having a great time. One of the kids at the place where I teach is going on a two week london/paris vacation later this month and she's in fucking middle school. Meanwhile, I'm getting paid 8/hr to teach math and algebra and precal for parents who can afford to send their kid to a fancy tutoring center and even though I only work a couple hours a day I spend the rest of it resting and laying down and barely having the energy to scroll my tumblr dash most days. I'm so fucking tired. I pay money for doctors to tell me things I already know but if I don't then I can't prove I deserve my accommodations and even if I do I still feel like I'm fucking faking it to be lazy. I know the "1 in 3 adults in the united states has this that or the other" is supposed to make me feel less alone but instead it just makes me feel like I'm exaggerating and should be able to at least keep up with a good chunk of people my age but I just fucking can't. I can't do this. Maybe if I was fucking middle class and didn't have to work to live or if I was able bodied and could work a normal job, or if I had rich parents and could do the things I wanted without having to struggle for them things would be different but I have fought so. fucking. hard. for everything I have. I'm alive because of the work I put in to pull myself back from the edge over. and over. learning to keep myself alive until I could learn to want to be alive. working my fucking ass off to get into a good uni with a good scholarship far away from home so I could move out of my abusive household and get a good education. I've worked so fucking hard for every single thing in my life and now my body won't even cooperate and let me enjoy it and I'm so fucking exhausted. My memory's not working very well and my body gives up on moving from the couch half the time and I've got vague all over pain that never quite goes away and I can't sleep and I can't wake up and I can't talk to people without being awkward and weird and I can't save up my money and fly to europe. And because I made myself so sick in high school I've got a horrible nagging fear that it's somehow my fault in some way which is honestly maybe a worse explanation than "I'm being a whiny baby about things that a lot of people have dealt with better" and it fucking sucks. Plus I'm living with my parents for the summer because every single thing I applied to for the summer rejected me, so my mental health is wonky and I've got all kinds of little trauma things popping up from time to time but also they're getting better about some things sometimes so I feel immensely guilty to complain about them. And also they're helping pay my medical, even if it is coming out of the rent I paid to them during my medically necessitated gap year. So I again feel guilty bitching about them too much. And my car doesn't work anymore so I have to borrow or ask for a ride anytime I want to go somewhere and I don't have any close friends that live near me anymore anyway. And it doesn't matter because I'm fucking disabled and I can't do cool fun adventure shit and I can't find the energy for big creative projects and I can't fly to europe.

[giantkillerjack]

I miss my shitty sisters so much. I am feeling the family trauma sharp and harsh today. I woke up from a long anxiety dream again. One of the ones where I'm eternally just trying to get a ride home, and my family just can't seem to give me that. There's always one more thing before I can be allowed to go home. My wife is never in these dreams for long because then she'd help me and the dream would no longer be about family anxiety.

This time, I had fallen asleep in real life with my CPAP machine mask on, so the dream was less severe and not about how I couldn't breathe. In fact, I even had nice moments with my family in this dream. Me and my sisters - especially my older sister who was horribly ableist and emotionally abusive to me - seemed to make up. She didn't apologize or anything, but in the dream, I gave in and invited her to hang out with me. And in a way, it was nice. We watched TV together again like we used to. All three of us. Like in some of my very happiest memories of home.

I think that's why waking up felt so painful to me. Because that comfort was ripped away and replaced with the reality that if I invited my sisters and I to have that again, then there is nothing to stop the same pattern of abuse from occurring for the hundredth time. I would become too depressed to eat, then I would become anemic and suicidal again. I refuse to be that hungry every again on their account. I have this eating disorder because of my sister's abuse, and I will not open myself up to undoing all my hard work on my partial recovery just because I miss her.

But gods, I miss her. I miss my little sister too. I miss having a family that feels whole. I miss my old house which is now sold and never to be the place of comfort it was again. I miss feeling like everything was okay between us.

But everything was never truly okay. So much of the extreme conflict we had was from me developing boundaries against bad treatment for the first time in my life. Of refusing to be treated in the ways they had always treated me.

I gave my big sister dozens of second chances, and she blew through all of them with the absolute confidence of a person who believes they will never stop receiving chances. I warned her that there was a limit, I told the rest of the family how much it hurt that they kept insisting I repair the relationship no matter how it affected me - no matter if it had me begging forgiveness for how I reacted to being abused. So much demand to apologize for making space for myself to be away from them so I could be safe or for - gods forbid - shouting about how their ableism endangered the lives of me and my wife. Shouting! How utterly evil to yell when one's life is threatened! Better to bear it with a smile and agree that actually you ARE just dramatic, right??? 🙄

I realized that there simply was no upper limit to the amount of emotional and ableist abuse I could receive from her, from my parents, or from my younger sister that would not result in the other members of the family insisting it is my responsibility to make myself available to repair the relationship. The wholeness of the family unit was more important than the wholeness of me.

So even if I miss them, even if I am sad how sad they are missing me, how sad my parents are that I won't speak to them, even though I still truly love them... I have an inner child inside of me that I will NOT allow them to make hungry and hurt and guilty and confused again! I deserve so much better than how they've treated me! My wife and my friends have proven that!

I am allowed to have grief and boundaries simultaneously. What I grieve is not my choice to make distance - I do not regret this decision, as it is the reason I have been slowly able to get healthier rather than sicker these past 2 years - I grieve that I was treated so poorly that I had no choice but to cut them off.

I grieve it truly and deeply and even in my sleep. I wailed in my bed this morning from the crushing weight of the waves of grief. I let them wash over me. And I let myself feel them. I survive, still breathing, and I continue to sail somewhere new.

[pits-of-kaos]

My poor little meow meow Prowl is loosing—

Like man, how does that sad little meow meow not evoke pity? Even in the slightest?

He was beaten to a pump by Optimus, refused to be killed in the name of mercy, mind controlled and almost killed his comrade which would probably make him feel really guilty, betrayed by who he thought were friends, had needles stuck in the back of his head by CHROMEDOME just to get rid of his memories unconsensually, probably has quite a bit of trauma from sending people out to die but do you think he had ever wanted too? Probably not, but it was his job and if he was going to do it, he was going to do it with the least amount of casualties. And people forgave Megatron of all Cybertronians, who killed almost an entire race and species with his bare hands and many more, but didn’t forgive Prowl just because he didn’t change his thoughts and opinions.

Welp, that was a bit of a long rant— but yeah, this is just my opinion, Megatron is still great and I love him, but I will always vote Prowl :D

One word: Packaging.

Or more specifically, the way he packages his pain.

(I’m not sure if you’re looking for an actual answer, but I’m gonna give one since I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Keep in mind that a lot of this is speculation.)

Quantifiably, Prowl did far less horrible things than Megatron, but Megatron has (1) a secure place in the franchise, (2) a redemption arc, and (3) looks*.

*so most fans say, anyway. My opinion on this fluctuates.

Also, Megatron’s reaction to his struggles is very different from Prowl’s.

When he’s in pain emotionally, Megatron directs it toward himself for the most part. Same with Starscream, Chromdome, and several others who have been through hell in the war.

But Prowl? Prowl refuses to acknowledge his wounds and takes it out on those around him and the world at large. His need for control is rooted in deep insecurity and a feeling of not being safe anywhere or with anyone. Even Tarantulas of all people picked up on Prowl’s desperate need to convince himself he was in control even when he really wasn’t. That tips me off to the depth of Prowl’s pain and self-deception, which he’s almost entirely numb to.

Most people will have more pity for someone like Megatron, Chromedome, or even Starscream who struggle in an obvious or self-pitying way versus someone like Prowl whose pain drives him to antagonize others and act like he can’t ever be wrong. It’s easier for most fans in the TF fandom to look at Prowl and blame him for his problems because of his outward pomposity. And in some cases, it’s true.

At the end of the day, a contrite or self-pitying sufferer gets more pity than a pompous one. Chromedome is the former and Prowl is most certainly the latter.

—

This was going to be longer because I have a lot more to say about this topic, but I cut it short because I believe I answered your question adequately. The rest will have to go in another post on main. That is, if I decide to share it at all. I still hold my breath every time I bring up IDW Prowl.