#which like... brother isnt one to be manipulated. he sees abusive down the street and NEVER forgives.

[the-peoples-bees]

when you wish you got on with real friends instead of an abuser and his fanclub...

[byebecca]

(KELSEY MERRITT, CIS-WOMAN) - Have you seen REBECCA STEVENS? BECCA is in her JUNIOR year. The POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR is 21 years old & is a GEMINI. People say SHE is AMBITIOUS, SOPHISTICATED, RECLUSE and MANIPULATIVE. Rumors say they’re a member of the CALLOWAY SOCIETY. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE’S COVERING UP HER FATHER’S AFFAIR FROM HER MOTHER AND THE REST OF THE WORLD. 

statistics

general

full name: rebecca diana stevens

nicknames: becca, bec, b, stevens

age: twenty-one

date of birth: may 25th, 1999

hometown: hartford, connecticut

sexuality: bisexual

current residence: preaker, vermont

languages spoken: english, filipino, italian

personality

zodiac: gemini sun, aquarius moon, virgo rising

alignment: neutral evil

mbti: istj-a

appearance

hair color: brown

eye color: dark-brown

height: 5'8"

biography

rebecca diana stevens wasn’t born out of love or sincerity, she was born to fulfill a a status quo. althea and joseph stevens had but one child before becca, one conceived out of wedlock and to a different woman. joseph stevens hailed from a political dynasty, his past ancestors holding powerful positions in government, and a son born from a college relationship with a woman of much lower status would only tarnish the political standing of the future governor of connecticut, mr. joseph stevens himself. so the family did what they knew best, and threw the entire possibility of a scandal under the rug, paying off joseph’s girlfriend to grant sole custody to him. it was only within a few short months that joseph’s mother set him up with the daughter of a fortune 500 ceo, althea santos. the two were attending yates university at the time, both in their senior year of school. the manufactured relationship quickly became a marriage within the next few years, althea claiming her stepson as one of her own, at least in front of the public eye. and within a years, rebecca diana stevens was brought into the world, her middle name inspired by the late princess diana, who althea had been fond of.

in the public eye, the stevens were a loving, wholesome family, deplete of any controversy. it was what led joseph to his government title. but underneath it, the stevens mirrored any family with exorbitant wealth and a powerful status.

growing up, becca had often felt like a robot. she simply smiled and waved to the cameras whenever asked, which was perhaps the slightest bit of emotion anyone saw out of her from a young age. but beyond that, she felt completely, and utterly empty, even as a child. she didn’t have a naturally friendly or kind bone in her body, unless told to have one. she destroyed things, threw tantrums erratically, and refused to speak unless it was necessary. because once the cameras and watching eyes were gone, becca’s parents didn’t treat her like how they did in front of a camera. it wasn’t that she was abused, it was that her parents didn’t care about her. she could scream bloody murder in the middle of the night, and they’d only send a nanny to her in hopes of shutting her up. it was clearly possible that young becca had used anger as a tool to get the attention of her careless parents, but after a while, a part of her had realized that there was nothing that could be done to get there attention. and as more time past, the less she wanted any.

as becca grew into her teens, the easiest term used to describe her would’ve been ‘loner.’ she hated any attention, almost as much as she began to hate people. she’d continued to listen to her parents, smile for the cameras, wear something that wasn’t black when dinner party season began, but underneath it all, she despised her parents. she dreamt that she was a witch, able to cast a hex on them and for the world to see how awful they really were. the only emotion becca seemed to ever feel was anger, and even that faded away with the use of antidepressants.

to those who met her, she was cold, and blunt, and if there wasn’t a camera to her face or a public official to wow, she had absolutely no filter. in high school, more often than not, you’d find her in the library with a black hoodie on reading a book, not because she cared an awful lot at school (despite ironically excelling at it), but because she knew it was a place no one would bother her. she was rich, and beautiful, and had every chance of being the queen bee of her boarding school. but she didn’t care to, she didn’t care about anything. after graduating, she chose to go to yates, her parent’s alma mater, instead of yale university, in the town she’d grown up in.

she’d joined calloway, even if a part of her felt that she’d fit into any society at yates. and by fit in, she meant ignore everyone’s presence. but being in yates was different. at least in high school, everyone had already known to leave her alone. there wasn’t an opportunity for her to be liked, because she’d already spent years cultivating an awful reputation. somehow, somewhere along the way, becca found herself caring about a few select people, as awful and wrong as it felt at the time. she still hated the majority of her peers, but some had managed to crack her dead heart. and she definitely hated that.

despite never admitting it, becca had come to yates as a virgin. she hadn’t ever been in a relationship, or even a casual hookup before. she hadn’t done much in her freshman year, but just as her 2nd year started, the relationship that gave her everything, only to take it all away begun. he was easy on the eyes, and she remembered him saying all the right words. he hadn’t cared that she was a bit meaner than most, and that she mostly had the emotional capacity of a rock. he’d tried, and tried, and eventually, becca let him in. she let herself believe that someone was capable of caring about her. everything was perfect in the beginning. she smiled, and laughed, and acted like one of the lovesick people she’d silently judged at one point. she was truly, and hopelessly, in love. until he cheated on her, that is. and then it was as if everything came crashing down. maybe if she hadn’t caught him sitting a little too close to a girl, running from the door instead of asking questions, they’d still be together. she didn’t have proof, but at the same time, she didn’t need any for her heart to feel completely shattered.

after crying for an hour and a half in the parking lot of a taco bell, becca was reminded of what she went through as a child, regressing into an old mentality, that showing emotion was pointless, that she wasn’t capable of being loved. she ignored him, and everyone after that. people checked in on her, and she acted as if it never even happened, still caring about those few select people, but always keeping her guard up.

headcanons

comes off as mean, and standoffish. can’t stand majority of people but will fake it until she makes it just to get through the day. if she does care about you, she’s still kinda guarded and never lets people know what shes really thinking, but she does care (deep down)

always wears black, and for some odd reason, always has an ominous black book at her side that’s contents are unknown.

is a polysci major because it just makes sense though it isnt really what she wants to do with her life (tuition ain’t free), she’d love to be an author and write fiction novels

can be very odd and dark at times like you’d think shes a vampire

has major insomnia and will usually be found at 7/11 or roaming the streets at 2am

plays obnoxiously loud music in her wired earphones because she doesn’t care

wanted connections

okay obviously i really want becca’s ex connection. she’s only had one boyfriend and he’s the only man who could break her heart. i’d love to plot this out because maybe he wasn’t even cheating??? lets give men a few rights okay, but this is definitely my biggest one

a best friend!! someone who gets her, probably understands how she’s feeling without her saying anything. she’s not really like the girl gang kinda girl but whatever

her half-brother is one of my wcs on the main but yes <3 i’d love to see their dynamic and what he’d be like

honestly anything!! friends, enemies, acquaintances, hookups, fwb !!!

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

10/10/19

Today Facebook decided to so kindly remind me that it would have been my 4 year wedding anniversary with Nicole. I'm not really okay at all. I keep thinking about that day and just so many emotions keep flooding in, mostly sadness and anger. I really want to destroy something. I want to chuck everything on my desk out a fucking window and then jump out after it. I want to get black out drunk. I want write her a msg and scream at her for all the damage she has caused to me.

My wedding day was a fucking joke. It was pretty much ruined before it even had a chance to start. Two days before we went down to st george I had a massive anxiety melt down because our car broke down and we had to figure out a rental. Nicole threatened to walk out on me and in response I locked myself in our bathroom and tried to cut myself. She was more concerned about scars showing up in pictures then the fact that I was so anxious and depressed that I was harming myself in a way that wasnt even patternistic for my regular depression. She didnt leave though and we still went on with our plans. We showed up to st George the night before and the moment we arrive Lori is being a fucking child. We didnt show up early enough for her liking. She needed our help picking out on of the dresses she already had but she ended up gaining a bunch of weight in the last couple of months. She had only one dress that fit and it was a wiggle dress with a skull pattern. I thought it was cute but she threw a huge fit about it because she thought she would be able to fit in something nicer and was extremely concerned about my mother judging her. She was bitching all night about the fact that she kept waiting to buy a hotel room, hoping for a deal, and she waited so long she had to book rooms right after the prices got hiked up. I go to bed extremely anxious and already hopeless.

The next day we drive the 2 hours into vegas. We take mine and Nicole's rental and darren takes his bike. I'm driving of course because it has to be either nicole or I which means the responsibility falls on me. We decide to just get the marriage certification done and over with first thing. The courthouse is obviously unfamiliar to me and not the easiest thing to find let alone find parking as well. Nicole keeps getting pissed at me for suggesting we park farther away at a more convenient location off the street and just walk over there. I finally find a close parking spot but in my frustration I end up scraping the side of the car on a high curb and it leaves a definite large scratch. Cue the berating for the bill we would receive for repairs. After we get the license we check into the hotel. I get up to our room and smoke some of the green I snuck in. I start to get ready and I'm the first one to be ready for the wedding. By this time most of my family show up. My own mother is stressed to hell so I go to her room and do hers, Sam's, and Andy's hair. I get andy done first and he takes nicole, my dad, my brother, and my sisters boyfriend at the time to go get drinks at the bar. I help alex get checked into his room and then have to deal with Nicole's mother bitching to me about my own family. I do my best to ignore it while I'm checking on the limo, the venue, the dinner reservations, etc etc.

Andy and crew come back to mine and Nicole's hotel room. I'm then taking pictures. Giving people details. Making sure we have everyone and that I'm keeping track of them all. Limo arrives and we go to the venue. I'm checking us in and getting everything ready while everyone waits. Finally nicole and I get pulled away and our guests are taken to their seats. My parents are still in the stage of not getting along in the slightest so they take both sides which pisses off Nicole's mom. The ceremony happens but of course the live stream I paid extra for didnt work so no one back home got to watch it. Never got a refund for it. We go to dinner at an italian restaurant nicole and I had really enjoyed the last time we went to vegas. Unfortunately I assumed they would split the bill but they refuse to do so. I suggest finding somewhere else or putting it all on my credit card. Nobody listens to me and the start of the arguments happen. Andy wants to order a well balanced meal but darren is refuses to eat anything green. Sam's boyfriend has a tomato allergy which we were never informed of so he straight up makes a point to say he isnt going to eat or pay for anything. This pisses off my dad enough to instigate a fight with him. Darren and lori end up moving to the other side of the table to get away from Andy. They're not willing to pay for anything either. Finally my dad and andy decide to split the bill between them. 2 hours go by and the whole time I just want to go back to my hotel room and cry my eyes out. Dinner was delicious but I couldn't enjoy it in the slightest. My poor mother is making her best efforts to keep me happy and I'm pretending that I dont want to die inside. We make plans after dinner to go to Fremont street and drink with my dad, ben, lori, and darren.

Nicole and I go get changed at our room and I smoke a bowl before we head out again. Nicole's parents ended up falling asleep in their room and lori was pissed at us later because we didnt come get them. We got out onto fremont street and my dad and brother get pretty shit faced. Couple hours they're drunk enough to bail on us and go to a strip club. To Nicole's credit she did make love to me that night. I remember wanting it and wanting her at the time but looking back I dont think I was really that into it. It felt more like I was happy about it because she did that one thing for me when she didnt have to because a lot of people said that I shouldnt plan on getting laid on my wedding night. Even just comparing that to the way I truly just want driver to touch me so intensely, it pales in comparison. Thinking back on it, I don't think I was ever the mewling slut with nicole that i am with driver. Yeah of course i would want it but i stopped getting excited. It felt more like something I was doing in desperation to be closer to her. I think the only time I was anything close to how I am with driver is when we were still living in my apartment. I learned to stop asking for it because that would only make it less likely to happen. I was totally fine with not getting enough orgasms to be fully satisfied which I still am but with her came extra shame of being too much work for somebody to even attempt. Which is definitely why we came to the agreement to even be poly. She would shame me about enjoying it too much because I'd squirt and she couldn't stand any of the mess it made. Was particularly mean when I couldn't warn her that it was going to happen. She started refusing to fuck me in the bed very early into our relationship and only wanted to fuck me in the shower. Driver is the first person I've had a healthy sexual relationship with and I got so lucky that he's so good at it at the same time. I feel so fucking bad all of the time for getting so excited about wanting him to make love to me. I feel like I ask too much and I'm just like waiting for him to get sick of it. For him to get sick of touching me or get mad at me for even asking or trying it initiating or anything. I still try to do those things though. Drivers told me that those things dont bother him but I'm still scared and I still dont trust it in the slightest. Conner did the same thing to me. He made me feel ashamed for making messes. He stopped fucking me and I only ever really fucked him. Made me feel like I was too much work so it wasnt worth trying. Honestly conner and nicole are pretty similar in a lot of ways. Both of them got physically abusive with me. Both of them raped me. Both of them manipulated and controlled me. Both of them let me do everything. Now I'm so worried that it's all me. That I'm the bad one because I had two very similar experiences and I could be the one that's causing these issues. Maybe I'm crazy and it's all an illusion. Maybe I'm the selfish and narcissistic one. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I do start fights and I scream at people for no reason and and and and and and and.

But I digress

Nicole and I had like 2 more weeks off to spend together as newly weds. We went to see the book of mormon the next day and would be spending the next 2 days after with her mother in st george. Her mom found out that we had extra time and basically threw a tantrum about us staying at her place longer because we didn't come see her as often as she liked. I had a panic meltdown in our room that night and begged nicole to tell her mother no. I was uncomfortable and unhappy enough as it was. She called me selfish that i wasnt willing to do it. I tried to compromise and give her mom one or two more days but she just kept berating me for having an issue. I just remember sobbing at her moms house on the floor the next day while everyone was gone and nicole was pissed and screaming at me for having another meltdown. That's when she got a call from her cousin in tooele informing her that her paternal grandfather was actively dying. We packed our bags and started driving towards tooele. We got there that night luckily because that was the last night he was coherent enough to interact with anyone. I went home the next day and nicole stayed. I had never met this side of the family before and felt like I was intruding on a very private time. I spent the week by myself and the week after helping with the funeral. I cried myself to sleep by myself those nights.

I know that getting married again won't be like that. I know when I finally get to call myself drivers spouse that it will be a happy day. Even if nothing goes as planned I will still just be so so happy. I dont need all the fancy bells and whistles. Hell I could get married in vegas again. I could get married at the court house. What upset me about marrying nicole was the complete lack of concern about my happiness from multiple people. Nicole started suggesting we have another ceremony at home to make up for it. She really started pushing for it when we moved to tooele but I kept putting it off. I didnt want to go through all that labor again and I wasn't so sure about binding my soul to hers with a hand fasting anymore. I think she only started insisting because she knew on some level that I was super unhappy. I'm so glad I'm not celebrating with her today. I'm so fucking happy I'm away from her. My anxiety keeps thinking that shes the one im waiting for to come home. But no, I'm waiting for the love of my life. I'm waiting for driver to come home and take me into his arms. I'm waiting for the gentle touches, soft kisses, kind words. I dont prefer being alone anymore. Skipping work is not near as enjoyable as it used to be. Being home alone is definitely not my preference any longer. @dsxsquaredx