#which isn’t very “i just came from church” of them but whatever

[solar-halos]

another sunday, another ask game!!! i think it would be so fun to build a hear me out cake bc i think you guys would DELIVER on actual hear me out worthy characters. i think this game would be perfect for going on anon but since i cant do that ill just go ahead and say that this is mine

[sepublic]

Haha we meme on Stilgar as the funny "LISAN AL-GAIB" man but tbh I think there's a lot of nuance towards his character arc in how he doesn't really start off that way? In the context of Part 2, I mean. Because I think of how early in the film he approaches Jessica about becoming Reverend Mother, and he pretty blatantly acknowledges that Paul isn't necessarily the Lisan al-Gaib; The way Stilgar has to basically strong arm Jessica into agreeing doesn't come across as a fanatical worshipper appealing to his gods. He knows he holds power over these outsiders and he's blunt about it behind closed doors, more or less admitting that he isn't 100% sure but this Lisan al-Gaib figure is very useful for helping the Fremen overthrow their oppressors, so that's where Stilgar is throwing his lot.

It reminds me of a lot of the discussion regarding the Catholic church, particularly in regards to stuff like Galileo. I remember a lot of the mainstream assumption being that the Pope and his followers were superstitious guys who were genuinely afraid of deviating from the Bible, but then actual historians came around and painted a more realistic picture; In the end, it wasn't that they necessarily thought the sun went around the earth. It was that by challenging what the church decreed, Galileo challenged their authority and made them seem weaker; And so they had to double down on their geocentric understanding of the universe to defend that. Similarly, King James I didn't necessarily believe in witches, but they did provide a handy boogeyman to rally his people against, and make himself seem like a more legitimate leader.

That's how I see Stilgar, as he starts off; He doesn't necessarily worship the Lisan al-Gaib, but he believes that a messianic figure is just the kick the Fremen need to rally together and defeat their colonizers. Everybody loves a martyr, after all. He might chant about the Mahdi, but his priority has always been the Fremen people, and he is their true leader, with Paul being the puppet face he's pushing everyone into paying attention to.

The scene where Paul denies being the Mahdi, only for Stilgar to be like "Omg the Mahdi is so humble that means he is the Mahdi!!!" feels less like he actually thinks this, and more like... He's bullshitting his way into interpreting whatever Paul does, even if it seems fairly anti-Mahdi, as proof that he's the guy the Fremen need. Paul denouncing the idea was pretty inconvenient but Stilgar found a way to make it work; I guess it’s like how Jessica is also trying to push an unwilling Paul to embrace his role, but for different reasons. And Paul and Stilgar seem much more in tune with one another over how far they’ll go, because they’re much more in agreement about this being for the sake of the Fremen; Indeed, before he drinks the Water of Life, Paul seems to begrudgingly go along because he’s been convinced that it will help these people that he realizes he cares about too, which leads to his outburst at his mother when he feels her motives are insincere (unlike Stilgar’s).

So Stilgar is, for a while, the actual leader of the Fremen, and he is knowingly using Paul and Jessica for his people's freedom, without being aware that he's falling for the Bene Gesserit's propaganda to begin with. He thinks it can't be that bad, he's got a handle on it, but Chani knows better. And I should clarify that I don't blame Stilgar for this, he is an indigenous leader fighting back against colonization who desperately needs what he can get, and Paul and Jessica do end up colonizing the Fremen themselves.

Plus, he's still fairly decent to Paul himself, because even if Stilgar doesn't necessarily consider him the messiah, he still views Paul as an ally that can help the Fremen; That's how he becomes a friend to Paul. When Stilgar pulls Paul over and reassures him not to get a Sandworm too big, everyone already believes in him, it feels like they’re both in on the mutual secret that Paul isn’t necessarily the messiah but he IS a rallying figure for the Fremen, so they both play into that for the sake of the Fremen, right? There’s still enough of a level field that Stilgar can pull over the Mahdi for a private conversation away from the others about something potentially scandalous, rather than the other way around.

But then that friendship is ruined, because somewhere along the way Stilgar sees Paul's achievements rack up, and get closer and closer, in an uncanny way, to the prophecy; And Stilgar begins to think, Oh hey that's actually just like what was written. Okay that's only what a Lisan al-Gaib could do. Holy shit I think he might actually, literally, be a magical chosen one. And now Stilgar is willing to eat his own shit for Paul if the Lisan al-Gaib told him to. And that's why Paul mourns their lost friendship, because you can't have a real friendship with such an inherent power imbalance between worshipper and their God.

And it's all pretty sad to me, that Stilgar started off as a dude basically entertaining what he acknowledges may be a white lie, for the sake of his people... Only to find himself realizing this 'white lie' might be the real deal, and being so caught up in that revelation that before he knows it, he now prioritizes the Lisan al-Gaib over the Fremen this guy was supposed to be for. I think of how Stilgar kneels to sacrifice himself so Paul can become leader, as tradition; But then Paul says no, and Stilgar defies his own Fremen tradition because the Lisan al-Gaib told him to.

He lost sight of who this was supposed to be about, and that's why Stilgar sees nothing wrong with leading his fellow Fremen off of their homeworld to die fighting a bunch of strangers on foreign worlds. He doesn't object to Paul holding hostage their own way of life. He wasn't exactly superstitious, or at least Stilgar had people he prioritized over those beliefs; But when you see so many miracles, you begin to fear the divine and hold it above all else. Stilgar and Paul both felt the need to push this Lisan al-Gaib idea as a necessary evil, the only way to help the Fremen out of their dilemma, only to become fanatical mad men by the end of it. Maybe the idea of a Messiah seemed an easy lie, a safer and more practical way out of colonialism; But it ended up being colonialism but with a different, unrecognizable face. Because despite the promise to liberate Arrakis from the Harkonnens, the Fremen ended up worshipping a Harkonnen.

[devourable]

Loving Abraham ;) as a very religious person myself I cannot help but see the wavering of his convictions and want to help him stabilize. The conflict between his morality and his desires really gets to me. Especially since I’ve done that same sort of rationalization when it came to my own temptations. I wonder what you think would happen if he met an equally religious darling, who saw through his struggles and, rather than suppress his desires, hopes to urge them in a healthier direction? Would she succeed? Or would he be too unwieldy and possibly drag her down with him? For example, how would he react if his darling suggested perhaps they marry early (like within the year) so that their inevitable consummation isn’t sinful?

Also I have so many other questions ^^; Like how would he approach his darling? Would he actually ask her out or just stalk her? What would his parents think about him dating? Do his yandere tendencies come purely from his uncontrollable lust? Or would he still exhibit yandere behavior even when his lust is quelled? Is he the type of yandere to imprison or isolate his darling?

i will answer the rest of your questions via a rb!

✝️ church boy x equally religious darling

i touched on it a tiny bit before in an ask about a darling from a different religion. abraham would be … conflicted about a darling with a similar upbringing to him, at first. what if you love your religion more than you love him? would you choose your faith over him if you had to? those thoughts would plague him but he’d never vocalize them.

but even with that, he'd easily grow to love getting to attend church with you, go to bible study with you, do everything part of his usual routine with you included — it'd only solidify the idea that you were meant to be together in his head. you fit into his life so perfectly, how did he ever live without you? it's so obvious that this is how things were meant to be.

he'd slowly but surely begin to confess how he feels, to an extent, expressing how you're always on his mind and how he hates being apart from you. he wouldn't go into detail (partially to avoid freaking you out and partially because he doesn't know how to put his feelings into words), but he'd spill enough to give you an idea. so for you to be so receptive in a positive way, to be willing to try and guide him in a way that allows him his love for you and his faith... it'd honestly only worsen his obsession with you. especially if/when you float the idea of getting married to him.

it'd drive him crazy knowing you wanted him, and you were willing to take such a major step so soon in your relationship just so you could have each other and still be virtuous. you must love him a lot to be willing to do that! and who is he to deny you such a thing?

getting to do whatever he wanted to you, with you, with your belongings (which also belong to him, now!), and for it to all be perfectly fine in the eyes of ***? it'd be a dream. you'd be all he could think about even well after the fact.

abraham can't ever fully drop his yandere tendencies, even with the help. he can't let go of the intense rush he feels whenever he does something he knows he probably isn't supposed to do, but it doesn't hurt anyone when he follows you around town, does it? he's only making sure you got home safe when he watches you sleep. and it's only natural that he punishes the people that hurt you. he could never stop doing that, he loves you! besides, you're together forever now, so what does it matter?

any off color thing abraham does is validated by your religion. and he's willing to pull at the rules a little to ensure you're in agreement. surely you knew what you were getting yourself into when you suggested spending the rest of your lives together.

it's till death do you part, after all <3

[salvatwh0re]

Did you have an religious trauma or are toj religious like I know were god and stuff I’ve always believed there’s something beyond traditional religion at play but at the same time sometimes i think god is making fun of me or punishing me until I repent or something that’s why the law isn’t working but I know that’s not true it’s just my anxiety but still do u have any experience with that or advice. Sometimes I’ll for to church (by force) and the sermon is abt something I’m doubting like god is trying to speak with me or something and make me give up and repent

Omg yes! I grew up in a very religious christian/catholic hispanic family on my mom’s side. My dad’s side was a lot more open minded and spiritual, so i was a bit torn throughout my childhood. My mom would also force me to go to church because she didn’t want me to end up like my dad (with no true religion) and so that was always in the back of my mind because i didn’t want to disappoint my mom. Then i started questioning myself like do i really believe in god or do i just want to not disappoint my mom. Then i found out that god doesn’t like gay people and he sends them to hell or whatever and that made me really sad because at that time one of my favorite cousins had just came out and she’s such a good person always helping out the homeless and going in mission trips so i didn’t understand how someone who did such good things would end up in hell simply because they loved someone.

In the end I realized it wasn’t that I don’t believe in God, but that I didn’t like the way the religion worshipped him. It was very culty and contradictory. And although I still went to church with my mom (which i felt very guilty about), I could seem to be frustrated with myself I would always ask myself why i couldn’t just be normal and be religious. Then I found out about manifestation in 2019. And i had a grand realization that I’m in control of my destiny and it’s not already decided for me by some big angry man in the sky. And that the higher power is a part of me and not as demanding and vindictive as they make it seem in the bible. So i’m not an atheist lol, but I just don’t believe in the way christians perceive god/ the higher power.

When I started realizing that “I am god” I did have a moment where just felt lost like I was doing something wrong and I should be ashamed. It was difficult especially when i always had my mom in my ear preaching the gospel. I would definitely say it made it harder for me with the law of assumption/ the void state and shifting because I always had that doubt in my mind. Like what if my mom is right and i’m just going down the wrong path. But then I had way too many success stories of my own for it to be a coincidence. I felt a lot happier than I did when i was practicing christianity.

To answer you question, yes I do feel like that was holding me back, it was definitely a HUGE limiting belief that i didn’t even think about getting rid of. But i think the best way for you to get over that is to trust that there is a higher power and there is a god, but that instead of punishing you for discovering your own path, it will allow you to find your way with a little bit of guidance. So really i’m not saying that you need to completely abandon your religion to be able to manifest or tap into the void state, because that’s not it at all. There are so many people in very strict religions that have been able to manifest their dream life while still sticking to their religion. Manifestation and the void is not against any religion. It’s a natural human right and ability, we do it every day whether we’re conscious of it or not. For the problem wasn’t whether manifesting was against my religion or not, it was the fact that I was straying away from my religion and that the LOA community helped me realize how much my religion was holding me back.

If your concern is that it’s against your religion, trust god would not have given you the ability to do it if it were a sin. The void state is not some outside force, in fact if anything the void state would help you rid you of your sin because in that state you’re free of all intrusive, negative, and limiting thoughts. Creating your own path is nothing to repent for.

[ilovesmosh55]

This is a certified fire emblem headcanon info dump post . Bullet points copied and pasted from my notes app for the most part so sorry everyone if the formatting or grammar or something is weird

Exactly how the Nabateans work isn’t ever fully explained in game so this is. My take on it based on hints from the game and the characters��� relationships with each other and with Sothis:

-Sothis is an otherworldly alien being who DID come from far beyond the stars. Her lifespan is unfathomably long compared to an average human’s (if not just infinite/indefinite. I imagine as long as her home star shines she could live forever) and her godly power is basically like. An average human’s ability to wield magic times one bajillion. Naturally just has More Magic.

-She left the rest of her kind behind to visit earth and settle there but she doesn’t talk very much about her life before earth to anyone even her closest family. She greatly prefers life on earth and forming human connections to… whatever was going on back on the blue sea star.

-She created her children not by giving birth but like the games said . With her blood. She can just sculpt a human form from Anything, press together a crest stone, and blood-let on it a little bit, and badda bing badda boom new Nabatean. A Nabatean’s abilities, dragon form, and personality can be influenced by what she created their vessels out of. The first ones were created from the clay and mud of the earth she landed on hence the name Nabatean meaning earth dragon lol.

-Sothis DID love and want to watch over humanity, despite not being omnipotent and all-powerful like the Church claims. Creating her children and living among them and humans side by side was sort of her way of expressing that love.

-Despite not claiming to be omnipotent and all-powerful, Sothis’s strange appearance and abilities lead the people of Fodlan to begin calling her a goddess and worshipping her, which she happily accepted and encouraged. The idea that she watches over all life from above and is the arbiter of every soul came along with the church after she died (and is not really true). During her lifetime, she was just worshipped and was the queen of Zanado

-Sothis can create and bring life to a Nabatean at any age/stage of life. Rhea is one of the few she created as a baby rather than a fully grown adult, and she raised her as her own as a result.

-Seteth and his brothers are one of many “batches” of Nabateans made as adults and as a result they aren’t nearly as close to Sothis as Rhea is/was.

-Specifically, Macuil seems to even resent Sothis as he mentions byleth “stinking” of her during his battle. I imagine he’s the eldest brother and resents her for seemingly “abandoning” him to watch his brothers alone when others like Rhea got centuries of her time, love, and attention.

-Nabateans are all created by Sothis and most of them view her as a mother or at least a distant family member/matriarch figure but unless specifically made by Sothis to be siblings (as Seteth and his brothers were. Made as a matching set.) Nabateans aren’t actually related to each other. Sothis travelled all over Fodlan and probably other parts of the world too and created countless sets of Nabateans based on all different types of people. She would often make a few sets/unrelated individuals at once so that her creations/children could have like-minded company.

-Flayn’s mom/Seteth’s wife was also a Nabatean but from another “clan” and therefore yknow not his sister. Rhea Seteth and Flayn only really see each other as family in 3h because they are the last of their kind and feel the need to bond together for safety.

-Seteth and his brothers were based on whatever the Fodlan equivalent of Celtic people is. Rhea was made as a baby for Sothis to raise herself and is made more closely in her image than most of the others.

-Nabateans DO age, but very veeerryyy slowly. Rhea was pretty young, about the equivalent of 19 when Sothis was killed and the war of heroes started. By the time 3H canon begins, she’s about the equivalent of 38-41-ish. Seteth is about 40 in human years too, though he’s actually much younger than Rhea because he was created after her but was created as a young adult. Flayn is the equivalent of 15. Was only like 12 when she was injured and fell asleep back in the day.

-Sothis’s body, like when she was alive properly, will never die/rot so long as the blue star shines. However, the other Nabatean’s bodies DO rot but again. Veeerrryyy slowly. It would take centuries before they’d start to smell off.

-Other Nabateans, especially ones created later who weren’t raised and taught how to use their power by Sothis herself are not nearly as powerful as she was. Rhea is one of the strongest and was raised by Sothis personally but even she can’t control herself and goes crazy if she overuses her dragon form too much.

-Rhea was able to create Sitri/the other failed mom vessels because she was taught how to by Sothis. Probably watched her create many other Nabateans. However, since she is not nearly as powerful as her mother (and was just reusing the crest stone of a dead woman), Rhea’s vessels are far more fragile/sickly and humanlike. Most of them died very shortly after being created from their bodies basically being unable to sustain themselves. Sitri was pretty sickly and feeble but she was actually the healthiest and longest living one

-If not properly utilized and honed, Nabatean’s magic also fades over time, hence how Seteth’s brothers are now basically stuck as dragons. They didn’t transform for so long that they got rusty and probably can’t anymore.

[itwasthisorthemilitary]

March 28, 2024

Class reached a fever pitch today and ended with a fight that has been a long time coming. We all dispersed, separately bitching to our closest confidants. After all was said and done I decided to go for a solo walk up the big hill. The clouds were rolling in and I just wanted to feel the breeze and rain, if it was ever going to come. I spent a good 45 minutes on the hill just by myself, eating a lemon I picked from a tree, petting a cow, decompressing. I came home relatively early and we had dinner very early tonight because of the activities commencing in the evening. Dinner was one of the top 10 I’ve had here. Sughedys can cook.

Then I got changed and headed to church for the washing of the feet and the silent procession. I had a really interesting experience at Church tonight. I walked down with my mom and Elianis and saw Megan sitting outside the church alone. Megan’s personality is best described like a wonderful camp counselor. She’s bubbly and more patient than any of us here. But tonight she looked so defeated. She explained to me that since coming to Panama she’s really missed going to church, especially as we approach Easter. But her family here isn’t religious so she didn’t know if/how she could attend the service tonight. She was close to tears explaining to me that she was just going to sit outside to listen in. I asked Sughedys separately if it would be okay if a Megan went home and changed and sat with us. I also asked to make sure that this wouldn’t rub Megan’s parents the wrong way.

I will never appreciate church the way Megan does, but I can appreciate the look on her face the whole service.

There’s also something to say about sisterhood in the church. Universally when put into a situation when it’s expected to be on your best behavior, suddenly everything becomes hilarious. Elianis and I were consumed by a fit of laughter.

The whole time it was so freaking hot (really had to refrain from saying “goddamn hot” there) and I wanted nothing more than to not be sitting there. It was a long night, I definitely didn’t feel God in that church, but I did feel tired. At the bare minimum, Catholicism in Spanish is relatively easy to understand so maybe the best thing I got out of tonight was some language practice.

March 29th, 2024

Today was one of those days that made me excited again. Second night in a row that I have slept SO well. Also, I slept in until 7:30 which is wicked late for me (clearly i missed the procession but no one cared).Today Caitlin, Audrey, and I went to Octavio’s farm for the day. Octavio is my uncle? Grand uncle? Whatever, he lives next door. I’ve never spent much time talking to him but today I really got to know him. He has a farm about 30 minutes away by car and he fully runs it all on his own with no help. It’s beautiful. He dreams of planting a lot more coffee in the coming years. We picked fresh pineapple off the bushes and ate them right there. We spent the whole day with absolutely no agenda; walking around, reading in the hammock, chatting, and then all the women prepared a huge lunch. It was such a chill day and now I have that nice sun sleepy feeling in my head. Absolutely no qualms with spending the whole day with Audrey and Caitlin, and we got a lovely change of scenery.

Many many photos to come

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I hate researching occult and spiritual stuff in general because everywhere you look for information is rife with people into it as a gimmick who use fancy words but do not explain what the fancy words mean, or how anyone arrived at the conclusions they seem to be jumping to; and it’s also rife with people trying to scam the very soul out of their viewers.

“There is a book banned by the church which says there are three types of humans………” and then he never says the name of the book in the short. When you scroll in the comments, the first one pinned is his own comment: a promotional code to buy a book HE WROTE. Like wow you’re not even trying to be convincing at this point. Shut the fuck up and get a real job💀💀

I don’t want your pseudoscientific, pseudospiritual, phrenological, appropriated nonsense; I want diagrams and manuals. I want source material. I want to talk to a ghost. I want to behold the other side and see if it’s even there.

Okay so one thing I have consistently seen in videos of people documenting paranormal activity is the use of an EMF detector, because whatever it is we perceive as ghosts or spirits causes spikes in electromagnetic activity. I am inclined to believe this more than most things I see on the internet because it is so consistent; so now I have an EMF detector. Groovy. Now onto protection…

“Black tourmaline absorbs EMF radiation; so wearing this bracelet will protect you from harmful electromagnetic frequencies which some people find helpful during ghost hunting.” Ooookayyy so by that logic, if I wear a lead bracelet to a dental X-ray, the lead bracelet will draw the harmful rays away from my chest and into my wrist? That’s not how physics works. Radiation is a field, which is the reason why you wear a whole lead bib when you get your teeth X-rayed. Lead absorbs radiation, but it does not draw it away; it is a shield. Furthermore, dentists do not make bibs out of black tourmaline for people to wear while they look at their teeth.

Ergo: If you want to protect yourself from the ghostly hand of influence in the form of EMF radiation — assuming EMF radiation spikes aren’t a pop culture gimmick common to alleged haunted houses, created by cooking ramen noodles in a microwave in a hidden room — the best course of action would be to wear a lead vest to your seances; because

1.) lead is PROVEN to block radiation, and 2.) a vest of lead would block this radiation from meddling with your vital organs.

Why isn’t anyone advocating for those looking to the occult to wear lead vests during seances for protection? Because they’re ugly and don’t match the Witchy Aesthetick™ companies appropriated and are now profiting off of far and wide. A lead vest is not as marketable or “natural” as black tourmaline. And let’s be honest, many many people who get into the occult nowadays are doing it to look cool or be cool because they feel as if they are boring, with gigantic holes in their self-esteem, and don’t know how else to fill them in any other way than playing into trends deemed “edgy” and “in-style” and making it their whole personality. (If you are not one of these people; then I am not talking about you. I am talking about other people. For the love of god I’m not pissing on the poor. Please.)

Also, the majority of the online witch space is filled with white people messing with other people’s cultural practices as a sort of game; which obviously impacts the credibility of the information these witches present, as well as other, worse things which I don’t even need to mention… New Age spirituality is to the cultures its practices were taken from as Taco Bell is to genuine Mexican cuisine. It can be nice and may very well work as intended but it lacks the depth and reasoning of the original.

Not to say new-age is all bad; it isn’t. There are just so many people who don’t care what something is, where it came from, or why they’re using it because “witchy” and “hippie” are hot on the market these days. It’s frustrating. That’s all.

[clunelover]

I did talk to BFF about my sister and it was overall positive but kind of challenging emotionally. Part of the issue is that she’s like "oh I’ve let that all go now, I’m not mad at her at all" but like…she is and I can tell from how she talks about my sister when the topic comes up. She also is convinced that I feel like I’m in the mom role and therefore have to protect my sister…not quite! My sister puts me in the mom role and I hate it, more like! But she brought up the good point that part of the reason she doesn’t say things about her baby in the chat that includes my sister, is because I never talk about my kids in there either…and I was like "oh yeah, cause my sister’s replies are always sort of off and they bother me so then I stop." Like this time I shared a pic of E after they came back from their first ever basketball game that they went to with Girl Scouts, and they were all pumped and had been given a cool hat with the gay pride flag inside the outline of Wisconsin, and I said something about how they were all of a sudden SUPER into basketball, and my sister just said "lol." Hard to explain why that made me annoyed I guess but it did! lol.

Anyway I was all distraught after she left, just feeling bad about things with my family, because it feels like I have to accept things as they are (but I don’t want to!) or get proactive about trying to change things, meet people where they are, etc (resentful that everything is on me as per usual! I don’t think these people consider meeting me where *I* am!)

Anyway I was turning that over and thinking about what exactly to say to my sister (cause I think she misunderstood my "hey you should invite us over" message but also I shouldn’t have said it in the first place so I was going to send some sort of "hey never mind, I was being controlling and trying to manage your relationship, do whatever you want" message but the thought of what exactly I’d say had me VERY UPSET and then something dawned on me - why the f am I spending so much mental energy on my sister who, regardless of what she actually feels towards me or my kids, isn’t really emotionally available to be the kind of sister/aunt I wish for…I should instead be trying to nurture relationships that DO make me feel good (or…dare I say…forge new ones??)

So I set up a dinner with me and BFF and my other best friend for next weekend. If I can decide some likely dates I’m going to invite over a family who we were pretty close friends with before we moved to this house, try to reconnect with them a bit.

And I was mulling over how else adults create community and find friends, and then I picked E up from camp and they randomly said "I think there are four Jewish kids at my camp" and I asked how that came up/why it was on their mind…they said "I don’t know"…I guessed it was maybe because we have common Jewish last name and so people often assume we are Jewish (they said no, that wasn’t it), and THAT led us to a discussion of religion in families and I was saying how daddy and I both come from families where our parents were raised very religious and then they decided not to raise their kids that way, so my parents didn’t take me to church and daddy’s mom didn’t take him to temple, which is fine, although maybe we would have liked those things and we never got to know. And that made me realize, oh yeah, religious communities are one big way adults meet each other!

I shared all of this with Jeremy later and said for various reasons I’m not that interested in joining the UU church in town, but I’d be interested in checking out a Quaker meeting, and he said "whoa, I was just today reading a substack post by someone I like, about how they are an atheist but attend Quaker meetings, and I thought it sounded really great! Let’s do that!" SO all this to say, I think we’re going to try that tomorrow! Posting here partly for accountability so I actually do it.

[ducks-and-stuff]

I made this snippet of writing for a Jimmy fic but I lost motivation for it but I like the intro so I’m posting it here now

It is cold. 

People may think you a fool for many things, but you know that much at least. That today marks the end of the world and  you are cold in a way your puffy overcoat and earmuffs cannot fix. 

You also know that It is Christmas day and that you are huddled into Pearl and trying to forget that there are two of you when there are supposed to be three. But the forgetting does not work, nor has it ever, and so there are two of you when there are supposed to be  and there is a note from your best friend stuffed in your back pocket and it is Christmas and the Watchers do not care.

To be fair, though nothing ever is when it comes to your server, the Watchers aren’t exactly known for caring. They rip and tear anything they happen to sink their claws into and today, dear Listener, today you are fresh meat.

Pearl is silent as you think about all this, which is fitting. You attended your aunt’s funeral once when you were seven, and people didn’t talk much then either. It was an old church with wooden support beams and a stain glass window looming over the alter. The one you had only been to once before because of the free food at that one potluck. You had licked your fingers clean and raced across the pews with kids from your side of town until some official looking man came in and yelled at you. But today is a funeral and all you can focus on is how the dust dances where the light streams in through that one stain glass window, and now you will never see that church or light or dust again. Most people cry now, with the understanding that their energy would be best used on tears. But Pearl doesn’t cry, and you don’t either. 

Instead you say, 

“I’m scared”

and Pearl lets out a wet, humorless laugh and says

“No shit Jimmy”

And then she startles and looks away guilty, because maybe she doesn’t want those to be their final words to each other. Maybe she wants it be something poetic, something that gives you both a small glimmer of hope even when you could easily look around and see that your world  has already started cracking and hope is not some sort of glue that will magically fix it all. 

Pearl opens her mouth. 

Maybe she will say something heroic. Or Something bitter yet sweet. Something that will make you smile just a little bit, and she will smile back, and for a moment, the world will be just a little less cold.  

Pearl closes her mouth. 

You had gifted her thirty-two diamonds  earlier today, because when you woke up it was Christmas and not the day that you would die, and you had thought she would get the chance to use them. 

Today is the day you will die. 

Maybe if you repeat it enough the words will lose their meaning. 

They’re here. 

Something in your ear whispers. 

And you swallow down whatever lump has made itself known in your throat and curl into Pearl just a little more. As if that can stop what happens next. But you’re a fool for many things and you have love and you have hope but they do not give way to salvation. Instead, something in you loosens, and you are reminded that this is not how this game works. 

You cry out because it hurts. You had hoped this part would be painless but it isn’t and it’s searing and it’s all-encompassing and Pearl is holding onto you even if you’ve tried this already and you both know it’s not going to work. 

You’re pulled. 

You’re pulled away and Pearl digs her fingernails into your forearm and tries to pull you right back, because Pearl is not just scared and mad and angry and confused, she is also, between all that, a very kind person who doesn’t want her friend to die. 

Or alternatively, maybe she just doesn’t think you get the right to leave her here alone in this wretched world. 

But regardless of her reasoning in this moment, Pearl has always been a really nice person even when she could have easily been a jerk, and Jimmy wishes he had had the chance to tell her that before this moment.

“Jimmy!”

And in the distance he sees the walls and the mini-game and the campfire crack into a million pieces.

“Jimmy!”

And the name is broken and full of pain. 

“Jimmy!”

But her hands are slipping and you are already unraveling and Jimmy bolts upright and screams his sister’s name one final time as he’s dragged away and that, dear reader, is the story of how Joel got a black eye. 

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Shameless Smut Masterlist

Baby Pull Me Closer (ao3) - senioritastyles luke/calum E, 2k

Summary: In one of the short pauses between his punches Calum feels a tap on his shoulder and it breaks his concentration, making him turn around and pull his headphones out when he sees his boyfriend standing there. "Well, hello. What's the occasion?" He wonders, referring to Luke's choice in attire.

The blonde is clad tight short shorts, the black cotton ones that look straight out of an American Apparel ad, and a loose, but shorter than his normal, shirt. "Just came to see if I could motivate you since I know you've been wanting to push yourself harder when you workout."

Or: Luke distracts Calum from his workout.

Bare (ao3) - im_just_a_sucker_for_bromance calum/ashton E, 2k

Summary: When Calum made that bet with Ashton, he did not know he was gonna lose, which meant he had to do anything Ashton wanted. At first it was alright but after five days, his frustration got the best of him. Calum wanted revenge. If Ashton wanted a bare Calum, he was going to get a bare Calum.

Confession (ao3) - DarkGnome luke/ashton E, 1k

Summary: Luke is a devout Catholic. Sundays are his day where he demonstrates his faith and puts distance between him and his boyfriend. However, Ashton isn’t a fan of the word no.

_______

Or the one who Ashton shows up at church and fucks Luke in a confessional booth.

Daisy (ao3) - boomerluke luke/ashton M, 121k

Summary: The last thing Luke expects when he wakes up hungover in the bed of his latest one-night stand is to come face to face with a freaking kid. But there she is all wild curls, thumb-sucking, and nonstop questions. Luke can't get out of there fast enough.

Ashton isn't the type to have one-night stands. He's a parent, after all. It was a mistake, and it won't happen again. At least that's what he tells himself when he comes back from his shower to find the naked college kid still in his bed, arguing with Daisy.

They couldn't be more opposites. At 25, Ashton has the responsibilities of two parents, raising his daughter and trying to pretend like he has everything figured out. At 21, Luke is a self-proclaimed Grindr god who doesn't care about anyone or anything but himself. So why is the universe (with the help of Michael and Crystal) so hell-bent on seeing them together?

five stars every time that you come through (ao3) - tutorgirl luke/ashton E, 6k

Summary: date night is a tradition in their relationship that ashton takes very seriously.

Green Light (ao3) - SpencerKnight OT4 E, 181k

Summary: Class is an age old concept--almost as old as the concept of human slavery, and in a world where buying humans is a standard behavior by those who can afford it, Luke's only hope as a member of the lower class is that he falls into the hands of a decent buyer--the hands of Ashton Irwin and his partners. Luke knows he has one chance to please his buyers or he risks getting put back on the market, but he's thrown for a loop when Ashton admits that Luke is the one that gets to call the shots. In an attempt to find security with the trio, Luke braces himself and gives them the green light to do whatever they want with him.

He had no idea they would refuse.

(This isn't a slavery au in the way that you think it is.)

He's A Go-Getter, He's Everybody's Type (ao3) - senioritastyles michael/luke E, 2k

Summary: "Lukey, if you get up right now," He starts, reaching his hand down under the covers and rubbing his hand over the swell of Luke's ass, "I promise I'll eat you out and fuck you later."

Luke's eyes pop open and he turns his head backward toward Michael. "You promise?"

Or: Michael convinces Luke to get out of bed.

Howdy, Partner - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) calum/ashton, michael/luke E, 7k

Summary: When Ashton slipped on that tasseled jacket and those boots, he fucking knew what he was doing.

When he strolled into the party with a bright dimpled grin, put two long fingers on the brim of his hat and tipped it to Calum with a gruff, “Howdy, partner,” he’d known full fucking well what he was doing.

If Walls Could Talk (ao3) - boomerluke luke/ashton, ashton/ofc M, 43k

Summary: The last thing Ashton ever wanted to do was hurt Luke, but he couldn't help it. The singer was just so beautiful, so ethereal and otherworldly that it took his breath away most of the time. Everyone felt that way about their best friend though, right? It was normal. No use getting unnecessary feelings involved, it was better this way. Luke understood.

Luke wasn't sure when this thing between him and Ashton started, or how it started, but it didn't matter. He was in too deep to go back now. So Luke would let Ashton use him, hurt his feelings and crawl back with apologies. Because at the end of the day, even when Luke had to watch Ashton leave the bar with a new pretty blonde each night, he knew the drummer would eventually end up back in his bed. And Luke told himself he was okay with that.

i want you to want me this way (ao3) - orphan_account luke/ashton T, 6k

Summary: Luke just wants to show Ashton how pretty he looks. Ashton wants to ruin him.

Kiss Me On The Battlefield, Show Me What It's Like To Feel (ao3) - senioritastyles luke/calum E, 3k

Summary: Luke was in temporary heaven, knowing the small moment of tenderness with Calum would never last but he was content for the moment. Calum had graciously given him what he wanted and removed the cock cage, leaving the ring around the base that was meant to keep Luke hard, and he'd even gone so far as to use his perfect hands and jerk Luke off very slowly so as not to overexcite him too fast. Luke was the personification of blissed out, lying on his back on the couch with Calum next to him, just this side of breathless at the feeling of being touched after so long without it.

Or: Calum plays with Luke.

Maelstrom (ao3) - merlypops luke/ashton, michael/calum E, 225k

Summary: Ashton is struggling, Luke is hiding, and Michael and Calum just want to make things work. (And maybe Ashton and Luke fall in love too. Maybe.)

Step Into Your Skin? I'd Rather Jump In Your Bones (ao3) - orphan_account luke/ashton E, 4k

Summary: He liked to call Ashton "daddy" quite a bit when they were alone, and not just in bed. He liked to call him that when he was feeling a bit smaller and more vulnerable, and Ashton liked when Luke called him that. He loved taking care of his baby, he loved taking control.

sucker for the way that you move, babe (ao3) - merlypops luke/ashton E, 2k

Summary: “C'mon, baby boy,” Luke whispered, leaning down to bite gently on the older man's ear lobe as he fisted Ashton's throbbing cock, drawing a desperate whine from him. “Gonna cum on my cock, Ashy? Gonna cum from daddy fucking you open and making you moan loud enough for everyone to hear you?”

Luke looks after Ashton better than anyone ever has and they can't get enough of each other.

Taking His Time On His Ride (ao3) - IfWallsCouldMuke michael/luke E, 4k

Summary: Michael is the heir to the Clifford Enterprise.

We Were In Screaming Colour (ao3) - antisocialhood luke/ashton N/R, 3k

Summary: He was sharp blue eyes and an impeccable quiff, pale skin -the colour of a peach not yet ripe- and long limbs.

He was quirked eyebrows and teeth marks bitten into plump bottom lips, white socks with dirty soles and dimpled cheeks

~~~

Purple hued bruises were sat at the junction of Luke throat and collarbones, scattered themselves across his shoulders and resided on his thighs, fading and splotched.

It was ownership.

You Gon' Have To Do It At My Tempo (ao3) - senioritastyles luke/everyone, michael/calum, michael/ashton, calum/ashton E, 4k

Summary: "Why don't you have another competition?" He suggests, his voice small and unsure.

The boys seem caught off guard by that, all glancing at each other in a silent conversation before Calum bites his lip and looks back at Luke. "Alright, what kind of competition did you want this time then?"

Luke's surprised that they're going with his idea, so he needs another second to think before he's got another decent idea that mostly benefits him and his neglected dick. "Why not like, a blowjob competition?" The boys look confused now, their heads tilted to the side like puppies, so Luke explains. "Like, you get a minute to blow me and whoever does the best gets to touch me first."

Or: The boys have a competition to see who gets to touch Luke first.

You Got My Permission To Do What You Like (ao3) - senioritastyles OT4 E, 3k

Summary: "Ashy, you haven't stopped working since we came home." Luke mutters from his place near Ashton's head, tugging gently on the oldest boy's curls. "You never spend any time with us anymore and you're running yourself into the ground here."

"Yeah, babe when was the last time you weren't alone down here working on a song?" Calum wonders, although his tone says he already knows the answer and that Ashton really isn't supposed to say anything.

Michael sighs loudly and stands up. "You're coming with us right now and we are going to force you to relax."

Or: The boys help Ashton relax.

[bonesandthebees]

Then there’s Tommy’s creation which I skipped over for a bit. I love that Tubbo gets to crown him. I love Tubbo getting rewarded for his loyalty by being able to rise beyond his position adjust a servant. He’s on Tommy’s council now and he’s the person Tommy values most there.

So of course Tommy chooses Tubbo. Phil and Techno can’t do it cuz he needs to swear loyalty to them. (also Eldingvegr traditions) Wilbur can’t do it cuz again disrespectful, but also Wilbur isn’t on Tommy’s council and it would be kind of weird to have Wilbur crown Tommy and then be stripped of his title and crown and something else.

I really love the ritual though. The homage and respect to all the sides and cultures of Eldingvegr. Crowning and presenting Tommy to and for all of them. The wind playing a part of it too since windy season is such a big part of their culture.

Then there’s Tommy’s entire attitude changing the second he gets crowned. He’s still a kid but he has so much power. Wilbur being so proud. Tommy swearing loyalty to Phil and Techno even though they’ve been loyal to each other for years. Phil and Techno swearing to protect Tommy and Eldingvegr too.

Also, the entire flashback of Wilbur meaning Tommy for the first time and immediately knowing that that’s his little brother and he will love him forever. Just all the emotions. It’s good. I feel like this is very incoherent, but oh well. I might revisit some bits later, but at least I’ve caught up again.

(6/6)

-🌲

YEAHHHH TUBBO MOMENT!! tbh I really struggled with deciding who should be the one to actually crown tommy because in the research I did for the coronation, pretty much all real life coronations are led by the priest of whatever church the monarchy follows. I didn't want to bring religion worldbuilding this late into the game so I just decided eldingvegr doesn't have a planet-wide religion so instead it's just a council member who does it, and I decided it should be tubbo because he deserves it :)

yeah I considered wilbur but then thought about how it would be weird with the timing and everything and also not make much sense since he's a bastard prince. and then phil and techno wouldn't make sense because they need to do the swearing loyalty thing to them, but also eldingvegr is not their planet. neither one of them grew up on that planet. that's not their crown to give and they both recognize that. it had to be someone who was truly from eldingvegr that did it, so tubbo fit perfectly.

oh I'm so glad you liked the ritual. I literally had several scenes from different shows/movies open in youtube tabs to reference while I wrote out the script for it. because yes I wrote out the script for the coronation lines before actually writing the scene itself since it's more traditional lines that are passed down through history compared to just normal dialogue, so a lot more thought had to be put into it. I'm really happy with how it turned out though. again, I thought it just made sense to emphasize the importance of the day/night sides of eldingvegr, along with the twilight ring and the winds themselves. because the winds are a huge part of their culture! it was just such a fun worldbuilding exercise for me

even though tommy's still a kid, when he gets crowned he feels that power. the weight on his shoulders is there, and he's the leader he was always supposed to become. he's filled with so much confidence that it just radiates out from him, and everyone can see the shift.

I loved coming up with that flashback. it was such a tiny bit that wasn't in my plan or anything, I just came up with it as I wrote it and it made me so soft. wilbur's loved his little brother with all his heart since the very beginning. despite everything, it's the two of them against everything else.

thank you so much for all your analysis on stars spruce. sorry it took so long to get to these, my inbox has been a mess lol. but your analysis always made my day to read while writing stars and it gave me so much motivation. so glad you enjoyed <3

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JULY 30, 1992 I’m watching Candid Camera now waiting for my talk show to come on.

Well, today was another good day but it sure was hot and frustrating waiting forever at welfare to fill out a stupid form, get a date, and a letter for the food bank. They gave me a lot of really good stuff at the food bank. More than the churches.

I think I’ll have to go for an appointment on the 3rd. Mark said he’ll take me. I gave him 4 more loaves of bread. Now he’s got bread for months and I have 4 or 5 loaves in my freezer. I sure hope they mail me my food stamps before I run out of the food I got today.

I have other things to write about like Jake, a friend of Fay’s who’s bi. Andy liked his body and his hair but says his face looks devilish. They talked for a long time but there were things about him Andy didn’t like. Otherwise, Andy said he was very interesting and very open. Jake is only into casuals and Andy wants more than that, so it’s all up in the air pretty much. If they can be friends, that’s cool.

There was an awesome storm with neat lightning, thunder, rain and gusty winds at 45 MPH. Mark and I were enjoying it outside our doors as I was sprinkling my unwanted pinto beans in the gravel.

Two missionaries came here looking for Robert upstairs. He was there as I could hear him walking around up there. He didn’t answer his door, though, and Mark and I were busting the missionaries, saying he was an escaped convict profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. Mark told them to put a bulletproof vest on as he’s a psycho man who was in the war.

Around 9:30, I went over to Andy’s and I tried calling Fran but there was no answer. We called Nervous instead and I taped him. We were on the phone till almost 11:00 and I billed the call to Bob.

Jake was telling me I have beautiful legs and a beautiful body.

Ha! My legs are my worse feature, besides my teeth.

He also says in time he could find me a feminine woman for sex here and there. Oh, sure. I don’t want any more good-looking people in my life. I don’t want anything to do with Rosemarie either.

On this talk show, a comment which I’ve heard before got me cracking up. This applies to gays and straights and people looking for one-nighters as well as commitment. That when you’re not looking is when you meet someone. Really? Well, I haven’t been looking and I’ve had only two one-nighters since early 1991 after me and Brenda split up. This is why when it comes to sex, relationships, and careers, I don’t think a negative or positive attitude is relevant. If you think positive about something or someone you really want and bust your ass trying for it, it’s not gonna happen if it ain’t meant to be. We do not make our rules to a degree. God or whatever’s up there does. There are only certain things we can control. We can dump or keep our friends. But who we can and cannot get as friends is beyond our control. We can choose what we eat, what we wear and things like that.

Well, now I choose to go listen to music. After that, I choose to be in bed with an attractive woman and be a professional singer, but God won’t allow that. Maybe in the year 2000. The singer, in the next life.

I began editing Nerv from tonight’s convo. It’s pretty funny as usual.

Later…

I fell asleep around 4 AM last night, and boy was I pissed at 7:45 when I awoke to loud knocking. I thought it was my door, but it was Mark’s friend Lance knocking on his door. I was over there getting Andy more pot and I told him I was royally pissed at being woken up, that I ain’t up that early, so knock softly or on Mark’s bedroom window. I think for the rest of my life I’ll be woken up 1-3 times a week. It just isn’t destined for me to wake up when I want to. Well, it beats being woken up 24/7 in the old project. And never hearing yourself think till midnight-7 AM.

Where is UPS with my packages? Where are my pictures Ma’s supposed to send back? She better send back all 12, too. When are Tammy and Lisa gonna write? She told me a few weeks ago she had letters coming out, so what’s taking so long?

I can’t wait for the rest of my picture collection (of celebs). It’s been two months and a week.

Later…

I just went out to mail a letter to Jayke. The one we worked with at Denny’s in Chicopee. I wrote this letter for Andy when I first got here before I got my own place. He lost her address and he waited for her to write to him and she just did.

On my way back from the mailbox, I saw Albert, Donna’s husband and he said hi. I said hi too, and kept on walking.

I’m gonna be eating dinner at Andy’s at 7 PM. He bought chicken and I supplied the potatoes. He’s very obnoxious to eat with, though. He makes these gross slurping and smacking sounds and it’s pretty impossible to not hear it, even from across the room.

He gave me another tape he no longer wants, so I’ll use it as a blank. I just threw in a CD of Linda’s.

Later…

I’m copying some tapes for Andy and there’s not really much more to say. Only that Fay and I may bring Andy to the airport. Then, on the 3rd when I’ve got to pay SRP and go to welfare and to the store, she may take me.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago. Rick came out on his patio and we said hello to each other. I went up and knocked on their door and no one answered. I said to myself, OK, I’m outa here. They’ve never made any attempts to see me so that pretty much tells me something.

I don’t know what could be going on in their lives and yes, they did seem friendly before, but now I feel like something’s up. Like something’s telling me to just stay away and that it wouldn’t be a wise idea to waste my time with these people.

Andy and Fay are enough for now. Both Andy and I really like Fay. I’ve simply taken so much shit from people and especially the really good-looking people. Rosemarie is a perfect 10 and I swore I’d just hang out with average or below-average-looking people. Also, low-income people.

Well, I just lit my cigarette off the stove. My lighter conked out and I ran out of matches. Nervous quit smoking 8 weeks ago. That’s pretty good but he’s miserable on a daily basis with urges to smoke. Poor guy. But he was getting the beginnings of emphysema.

Later…

Well, I just went to make a collect call to Debbie in Oakwood Knoll and she got her number changed to a non-published one. Barbara never answered. I’m sure they unplug their phone at night. They’re probably thinking, gee she’s all the way in Phoenix and she’s still bothering us! She’s not here to be woken up by us, but she’s gonna wake us up for sure if we don’t unplug our phone at night. A few days ago, I was making collect calls to them and Debbie said my name. I was cracking up afterward.

With my luck, though, they called Tammy or Mary Jane and then Mary Jane called Tammy. If so, Tammy would just say what the fuck do you want me to do about it? But Mary Jane knows how I, Tammy and the rest of my family feel about her and Oakwood Knoll so I think she’d be hesitant to bother. The same goes for Barbara and other tenants. They really drove me up the damn wall there.

Andy will no doubt get a kick out of learning about the new non-published number and about Barbara having to unplug her phone at night. Whenever I call after 10:30 at night there’s no answer and I know they’re there. I’m sure they can’t afford to change their number so they’re willing to deal with it in the daytime. At night they must unplug their phone so as not to be woken up. Meanwhile, they can’t wake me up.

I really must start writing some letters. I need to write to my niece, Tammy and my parents. I will send that cat I drew to Tammy to give to Karen. It came out well. Better than I expected. I have Tammy’s birthday card and my parents’ anniversary card. Next Monday I’ll mail my parent’s card.

What’s taking them so long to send the pictures Andy took? Maybe she’s waiting to show them to Tammy after all. I know she will be there through August 1st – 8th, but when the exact date is they leave and return, beats me. I’m not even sure if they’re driving or flying. I think they’re gonna fly. If Mom does have those pictures when Tammy, Bill and the girls are there, they can all rank on them together. Why is it taking her so long to ship me the rest of my stuff? In a letter to me, she said she’d be shipping them out ASAP. Over the phone, she said it’d take months. She wants me to believe she hasn’t got the money to ship everything at once.

When Andy’s tapes are through, I’m gonna take a walk over with them to his place.

Rosemarie said her birthday is August 6th and I have all those cards ma sent. Half of me says to give her one, but the other half says it wouldn’t look right. Is it a dumb idea? I certainly wouldn’t tell her my mom sent me tons of all kinds of cards, so she’d assume I bought it. But why go out and buy a card for someone you don’t really even know? I think I’ll just go and wish her a happy birthday.

I think I’ll watch Hard Copy and A Current Affair instead. I haven’t seen them all that much lately and I believe Andy has to work tomorrow. If so, he’s gone to bed or is going to bed very soon. Of course, I’ll also watch Candid Camera and the Jane Whitney talk show.

Why are there so many fucking crickets in here? I know they’re harmless, but they sure as hell are annoying. They jump out at you unexpectedly and really make a racket. Current Location: Arizona

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 1992 I am watching Candid Camera now and next is Night Talk with Jane Whitney.

On this talk show, there are “lipstick lesbians” on now. I’ve seen this before.

Earlier I did stop up to see Rosemarie but Rick answered the door saying she was asleep. I would’ve loved to go climb into her bed and join her, but instead, I just told Rick I’ll see them some other time.

Andy and I went to the grocery store where he bought us TV dinners. He also got me some milk, lent me a roll of toilet paper, and brought us some popcorn which we had while we played Crazy 8’s. I’m glad we’re finally playing Crazy 8’s after about 15 years. I wonder what took us so long to get back into it as it really is a lot of fun.

It’s almost 1:30 now so I should really try to get to bed soon. I’m gonna go listen to my music first which I haven’t done all day.

Later…

I got up at 10:30 and then at noon I went to the pool. Andy was there and then he came over and gave me $40 which I gave to Mark & Lance for his pot.

Fay came over too, and she brushed my hair out for me. It looks much better now that I’ve washed and conditioned it. It was all matted down and tangled from the pool. Fay said she’d brush my hair whenever I needed it.

Fay and I played a game of concentration and she said she’d stop by tonight at 7:00. At 8:00, there’s the conclusion of a really good movie I want to see. It’s based on a true story about 4 guys who killed an Indian girl. All the shows are on an hour earlier here. The news is on at 10:00, rather than 11:00. Movies run from 8:00-10:00, rather than 9:00-11:00.

Later…

In an hour I’m going over to Andy’s as we’re both having T-bone steaks. Those are good and I’m starving.

I hope all goes well tomorrow at welfare. And quickly, too. You spend 95% of the time waiting and waiting and waiting. The food bank I need a letter for closes at 3:00 and I hope I don’t have to fill out the form all over again. It’s a long form and they already have all the information they need.

I will not be getting an SSI check anymore. This state has no cash supplement which means my monthly income will be $426. That’s ridiculous. It totally sucks. How do people live that don’t have parents sending them $50 a month?

On the 3rd, I’ll need to go pay my electric bill and my direct deposit better be here. I don’t want to have to stop at the bank for them to get my check from CT. I’ll also have to notify Tammy to close out my account as soon as my SS check comes to my bank here. I’ll also need to call Access and find out why they haven’t mailed me my Medicaid card. I try calling, but it’s always busy.

My main concern is getting my food stamps and seeing how that goes and my electric bill and my overall situation financially. Last month my electric bill was $65 and I need to be sure it doesn’t fluctuate drastically here and there. If it stays around $65, then I can get a phone with Mom’s extra $50. I can’t tell her if I do get a phone, though, as she said she wouldn’t pay the $50 if I do. I know why she really wants me not to get a phone. I wasn’t born yesterday or the day before, but that’s OK.

After Andy returns I’ll take the TAP form to my Doctor.

Mom sent a roll of film which we’ll do up when Andy returns, so she’ll have more to complain about. First, it was my clothes and now it’s the way I pose in pictures. I guess posing in 3 out of the 12 pictures in a really happy, goofy mood is a crime and the end of the world to her. Is this personal or something? Like is she jealous? Sure makes me wonder at times!

Fay wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes from me and I knocked on her door before, but she wasn’t there. At 7:00 I’m gonna have to leave her a note as I’ll be at Andy’s. They both know I’ll be watching the movie tonight but I hope no one else knocks on my door.

Guess there’s not going to be any friendship with Rosemarie. Why is it always me that has to do the approaching, visiting and seeking out of others anyway? I visited them 3 times. Now let’s see them come to me.

All I get is junk mail lately. When am I gonna get some letters? I haven’t heard from anyone. I drew Tammy’s friend Karen a cat. I told her I would a few months ago and it came out nice.

Later…

Soon, I’ll be taking a walk to Andy’s.

I just saw Fay walking her mother’s dog and she said her aunt has a cage full of guinea pigs. I miss having pets. I gave her a pack of smokes and I’ll stop by for a while later.

I guess I’ll go over Andy’s now as I’d like to use his phone.

MONDAY, JULY 27, 1992 I just got back from the pool once again, and Donna was there. My God, I never really realized just what a sick little bitch she is! A very sad and sorry little puppy hiding behind a mask of glory. Why is it that whenever someone else’s life is going shitty, or you’re not what they want you to be, they pretend they’re on cloud 9, contradict all they’ve said and cut you down?

Donna said, “I have lots of friends, everything’s going so great, my husband got a raise, we got a new car, and no friends have ever dumped me like that.” That’s ironic cuz when all was well between us, she told me she hardly has any friends cuz she gets dumped so much. I think she’s just being so vindictive cuz I dumped her when she wanted to be friends.

She was telling me I can’t handle things right and I get upset over stupid things yet there she is freaking out all hysterically. Everyone was looking at her like she was crazy. She told me she got all mad due to the fact that I think she’s pretty. Even fought with her husband about it. Now is that ridiculous or what? Who the hell fights over someone that tells them they’re pretty? What a totally melodramatic waste of time, anger and energy! I mean, come on, grow up! I never realized she was that judgmental and such a backstabber and I am never gladder that I dumped her. I never realized how unstable she is and I meant it when I said all the pretty ones are snobs. She’s got her mind set on what I’m all about and she’s so sure she’s got me all figured out. She says I don’t have a lot of friends and I told her she’s damn right as there are so many contradicting assholes like herself. I cannot believe just how paranoid she is. She can go on thinking she’s wonderful, but as far as I’m concerned, I have no room in my life for people like her.

Fay gave me a poster of unicorns to color and I’m gonna give her a word find puzzle book. I’ve really gotten to like her and enjoy our talks.

I’m also tempted to visit Rosemarie but after dealing with people like Donna, it makes me wonder once again if I’m not better off just minding my own business. I don’t know what to do. It’s all so asinine and stupid. I’m so sick of people but I guess I can do what I did to Donna if I need to. If I ever meet anyone who turns out no good, I’ll just dump them. Including anyone I currently know. The most shocking thing isn’t the low blows someone can give you as I am very well used to that. What’s shocking is how quickly someone can change from one extreme to another.

Later…

I just helped Fay fill out a 19-page form. It’s information on her son James, herself and her family for a therapist. I feel for those who are slow and have learning disabilities like she does. Life isn’t fair for all those who have so many ordinary things they’d like to do, other than being a singer, yet they’ll never be able to. And then there’s me, a quick learner with the abilities, but who doesn’t want to be anything other than a singer. Either way, I told her to never hesitate to ask for help with something if she needs it. It made me feel good to be able to help her.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 1992 Yesterday was a very good day. I continued to get more color and I swam all day. I spoke with Fay and briefly saw Rosemarie. I didn’t want to seem so pushy and smother them. I know what it’s like to need breathing space. I didn’t want them to feel like I was invading their daily lives. I never went up to their apartment, but when I was in the pool Rosemarie came out onto her patio. I called out hi and asked if she was gonna go for a swim. She said she didn’t feel like it and that was it. They did say that they’d come see my place sometime.

Last night at 7:30, Andy and I went in Mark’s truck to get that bed. It’s a twin-size bed but very comfortable. It really felt good to get off the floor. I gave Mark his foamy thing back but that sure saved me from feeling like I’d break all my bones, even though I have nice plush thick carpet. I slept very well. In fact, I even fell asleep at 1 AM, maybe earlier. I woke up at 8:30. Yesterday I woke up at 10:30.

After we brought the bed back here, Andy gave me a twin-size sheet. I can easily still use mine by tucking it in between the mattress and the box spring. I do have a frame but it’s missing a clamp. There’s no hurry for it, but it’d be nice to eventually have for a few reasons. One is it’d raise the bed up a little higher and my quilt wouldn’t be on the floor as much. Two, it’d be on wheels and easier to move. Three, I could store stuff under the bed.

I took Andy’s vacuum and used that and now my place looks so cute. Now, all I have to worry about is getting my food stamps which Andy will take me to reapply for next Wed. I also am dying to get a phone. I must first get situated financially and get my food stamps.

Later…

Fay came over. She found a white dress in the dumpster that fits me perfectly. It’s a little too long, though and it looks almost like a wedding dress. It has a few stains but ones that aren’t overly visible. It’s got long sleeves of white lace and the rest is solid white. There’s a lining inside but the outside is like chiffon. Streaming down the back to the floor is a piece of chiffon and there’s also a lace bow in front. Even with heels, it’s still just a wee bit too long so whoever wore it was also a size 3, but maybe a few inches taller.

Fay also found this tiny, colored pillow I had for a long time that I threw in there. I gave her two other little ones Ma sent. She’s got a bad back so she uses it for that.

Later…

Last night after I vacuumed and fixed up my bed, Andy and I played Crazy 8’s. Something we haven’t done since we were kids.

It’s time to write everyone’s letters. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I sure can say one great thing, though, and that is that I haven’t had but a few bad days since June 9th! That was all over money, of course.

Now after being here as long as have I can now truly feel a difference in my asthma. Sure I still wheeze and wake up a little congested. But I no longer sneeze my ass off like there’s no tomorrow. Overall I feel so much better and now I know firsthand why they recommend that asthmatics live here.

I will wait to reschedule my appointment for my pap smear and also have him fill out the TAP form (Telephone Assistance Program) to waive my installation fee.

After Andy returns from home he’ll take me there, and we mutually agreed and compromised on one thing. That is that until it gets cooler, he’ll drive me places, but rather than wait around forever, he’ll go home and I’ll call him when I’m through.

I hope next Wednesday I can get a letter to go to the food bank. There, they gave me quite a bit. At the church, Mark took me to, however, they didn’t give all that much.

Later…

So far today I’ve gone to the pool by Rosemarie 3 times and I just came back from the other pool.

I was walking out my door at the same time Fay was walking out hers across from me. Fay and her son James and I were headed to the “Rosemarie” pool when we saw how it was infested with little kids, so we took off for the other pool. That pool was crowded too, but not nearly as mobbed as the other one was. On weekends it’s pretty crowded. At night during the weekdays, it’s ok.

At the other pool, I ran into Stephanie. Pez screwed her over and now she’s got a new roommate also from New York like Pez and Stephanie. I’ve met her before and she’s sort of pretty but she’s straight, according to Steph.

It’ll be a long long time before I see another woman as gorgeous as Rosemarie. They’re far and few between in my opinion.

I told Stephanie that Andy told me she used to pay Pez $15 to clean her bathroom. I told her not to hesitate to ask me if she needs help cleaning. If I were to only clean her bathroom once a week for $15, that’s $60 extra a month! That’d be great but I know better than to count on it, even though she said she’d let me know when she gets her paycheck.

She also said she’d come check out my place and mentioned going to clubs. I told her I’d go to clubs with her if she needed someone to take along, but she stood Andy and I up last time. She said some serious shit went down that night, so we’ll see how reliable she is.

There’s a little part of me that’s tempted to go visit Donna. She’d be happy if I did, I guess. She really wanted to be my friend, but then I dumped her. Afterward, I swore I’d make no more friends and acquaintances - Fay, Stephanie, Harriett, Debbie, Robert, Mark, all the maintenance people, Dave the security guard, Rosemarie, Rick, and so many others I don’t know by name. With most of these people, I didn’t even initiate the conversation. They began to speak to me. Lots of people strike up conversations with me. Males, females, kids, young and old. I haven’t seen Ellie, though.

Last night I ran into Angel and Grace. We had a quick yet nice chat. Angel still hasn’t had her baby yet. They were just taking a walk and I invited them in to see my place all fixed up.

I told her that I wasn’t ever angry at her and that I’d been worried about money, but that she still had a friend in me. I apologized for seeming to have pushed her away and shut her out. She said she had thought about stopping by but has been busy.

Later…

I’ve never met so many people at once other than in schools or funny farms! I was just at the pool and I met a guy named Chuck, his Vietnamese girlfriend Lily and his son. I forgot his son’s name but they were all very nice. It seems I can just stand in the corner and not say anything and people will talk to me. I guess it’s a lot easier to socialize at pools as opposed to someplace like a grocery store.

Mark and his friend came home. The one who hooked up my VCR and asked me out to the movies. Lance is his name. I still can’t program into the VCR all the channels I want to record. I guess there’s a certain cable I need for that. Lance mentioned giving me one he didn’t need. Maybe he forgot or hasn’t had time. Or maybe he isn’t bothering cuz I turned his “movie offer” down.

I want to wait a little while before visiting Rosemarie again. I don’t know exactly how long, but although they said their place is always open to me, I do not wish to wear out my welcome. I’d also like to see if they come over here. I’m still so shocked at how friendly and open they are. They also said they were glad I was open about being gay. They really seemed to like my personality and were very into discussing my music and all about me. Every time I asked them about themselves, they’d say they were boring and had nothing to say about themselves, then ask about me.

Later…

There’s gonna be a good movie tonight I’ll want to see, but I’m sure I’ll be interrupted. I can’t record it yet. I’ll ask Andy what he thinks about that and what I should do.

FRIDAY, JULY 24, 1992 Well, I sure had an adventurous last two days! I’ll save the best for last. First, I met this girl, Fay, who I’ve seen around here a lot. She sort of reminds me of Tracy K, although she’s not quite that ugly. Close though. I’d never touch her, even though she’s bi. She’s got a boyfriend and a son but she’s had threesomes and lots of woman fantasies. She’s very tall and heavy with very short hair.

Later…

I just stopped for a while cuz Andy came over. I gave him Julie B’s letter which he’s gonna mail when he goes home from August 1st – 8th. He’ll be spending most of his vacation at the beach. Julie is a friend of Velma’s. Or was. She’s a hairdresser like Velma but she did some things to piss Velma off. Velma says she will hear all about the letters and get a good kick out of it. We just wrote a bunch of strange stuff. Nothing too scandalous.

I also played Andy a CD of Stevie Nicks.

Tomorrow between 4:00-4:30 we’re gonna go to Donna’s place for the twin-size mattress she’s got, I guess. We’ll see, but if she stands me up I’ll never count on her for shit again. We’re gonna go in Mark’s truck.

I spoke with Mark yesterday and also met a friend of his. His friend asked me out to the movies with him but I told them I was gay. Mark said no problem, but he hates gay guys. He said, however that cuz he’s my friend he’ll be cool. I said he better be cuz Andy’s not the least bit attracted to him and not to flatter himself. Also, anyone who fucks with my friend is fucking with me.

Mark and I also went swimming yesterday and today he brought me to a church to get food till I can reapply for food stamps. They usually have a Spanish interviewer there but he was out at the time. Two women spoke no English so I interpreted for them.

When Fay came over she had a piece of cheesecake for me. It was really good. We chatted here, then I brought her to Andy’s and we got some wrong numbers. We had some fun with those. I chatted with her today and told her all about my visit to Rosemarie and Rick’s place. It went super well, too. I’ve been pretty psyched about that. I told Fay how I felt about her before I finally got to meet her and talk to her last night.

When I get back from the pool, I’ll write all about it. Right now, though, I really am dying to go for a swim.

Later…

I am going to bed soon so I’ll write a little bit about Rosemarie and Rick. I was over to their place yesterday and today and I really like them both very much. I was a little nervous last night but tonight I felt much more relaxed. We all laughed and joked and talked about many things. Not sure I liked Rick’s joke about my being cheap cuz I’m Jewish, though. Don’t get me wrong. I can take a joke. But was it purely a joke, or was he being serious in some way? His tone made me wonder.

Most people blush when they’re around people they’re attracted to, so I thank God I’m fried with lots of color all over to hide it. My face would’ve been as red as it is from the sun. I’ve gotten a lot of color too.

My first night there, I noticed how they were really determined to get to know me. They really wanted to know all they could about me. They insisted I stay and talk and they said I was welcome to their place anytime. They were really coming at me from all different angles, attacking me with several questions. Their curiosity was genuine, not phony. They seemed very truly interested in all I had to say. Rosemarie kept asking me to sing and asking questions about that.

It at least seemed that they were open-minded and sensitive and very accepting. I even had no problem telling them of my being on SS.

Last night, before I went over there, I had to think of an excuse. I know this was being a little dishonest, but I told them some girl knocked on my door telling me Rosemarie had something to tell me. Next time I see them, Andy’s friend pulled this “joke” on me is what I’ll say.

I told Andy all about last night. Next time I see him, naturally I will fill him in on tonight’s visit which was 10 times better. Rosemarie brought up the subject of a boyfriend, so that’s when it all came out. Right away they were quick to reassure me that they did not think any less of me cuz of how I am but they did have a zillion questions for me. I told them to ask away and that I’m used to answering tons of questions and am very open about it.

Eventually, we were laughing and joking about everything from this butch who used to live near them to the underwear my mom sent that could cover her car. Rosemarie said there were two gay women next to her. One was feminine and nice, the other a mad, bitchy, jealous butch. She used to give Rosemarie dirty looks and Rosemarie said she was terrified of her.

Rosemarie also knows I’m very attracted to her. I am so glad we met. She and Rick are so friendly. They are very accepting of me. For Rosemarie being as pretty as she is, she’s so nice! I know I’ll never get her in bed but I do want to be friends with her as long as possible.

Well, now I think I’ll go listen to music before I go to sleep. I sure hope I’m sleeping in a real bed tomorrow night!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22, 1992 I know I’m wasting my time chasing Rosemarie, but hey, it’s fun. Andy also believes she’s got a boyfriend that she lives with, but it won’t be the first or last time that I’ve wasted my time.

I got a lot of color back yesterday that I had begun to lose. It looks good. When I returned to the pool, Andy was there. We had a very nice talk and I said all the things I wanted to say. He listened. I listened to him too, and simply told him I don’t want to fight with him or anyone else.

Those two girls from Terros, Sheryl and Annette, will be here at 7:00 this evening. I’ll have some happier things to say than the last time. My place also looks much better, too.

TUESDAY, JULY 21, 1992 Earlier I got my second set of shelves. I used them in the living room and it looks so much better now. The whole place looks great, even the walls. I’ve always been good at decorating.

I managed to stay up until 4 PM and sleep until midnight. More and more I wish I could be up during the days. Even if I had nothing to do. At least I’d have the pools and I’d feel better. Also, if I did have something to do, I’d be able to be awake for it. Well, Andy said he never could be a day person if his life depended on it till this year. Hopefully, that’ll happen to me even though right now that seems impossible, but who knows?

Later…

I just ate and ran off the dishes. The dishes here don’t get really clean and I was told it has nothing to do with the dishwasher. It’s Arizona’s water. California has the same problem. There’s supposed to be something you can buy to put in the water or the dishwasher, but I don’t know what.

As I saw Mark walking towards his place, I tapped on the slider and waved hello. He knocked a few minutes later for a light for his cigarette. He came in and saw how I’ve decorated since getting my shelves. Said it looks so girlie. Yeah, it does.

I’ve got an hour or so yet before the pool opens. I’m psyched to get on with my tan. I’m losing what I had. Mark’s gonna blow up my raft sometime.

All I keep thinking about is Rosemarie. I know she’s straight as a pin, but I like to seek, chase and do my homework and detective work even though I get absolutely nowhere. She is the ultimate attraction for me. Ann Marie was no second best but she sure is compared to Rosemarie. All in all, God will never grant me that much. It just ain’t meant to be and will never happen for one night. As I’ve learned, just cuz you’re positive or want something bad enough doesn’t mean you’ll get your way. If you pray for something you want or bust your ass trying to achieve it and it’s not in the cards, you’ll never get it. If Rosemarie were meant to be, God would send her my way whether I wanted her or not.

I saw her yesterday morning for the first time in the bright sunlight. She’s so beautiful. I can tell so even though I’ve still never seen her close up. I was in the pool and she walked around the fence obviously on her way to work. She seems like a very friendly person. I could be wrong, though, since I don’t know her and everyone seems nice till you get to know them. We said hello to each other and she asked how I was. She also said hi to two elderly ladies and I don’t even think they know each other.

Right after that, I ran back to my place to see what time it was. It was 7:55 AM. Well, at 7:45, I will head over there and sit down on the bench.

I have makeup on and that sundress Donna gave me. My hair is all brushed out, too.

It’s fun, but on the other hand, I know I’m completely wasting my time. I think she’s with a guy. Well, it isn’t the first time I’ve thought of someone who never thinks of me. It won’t be the last either. I want her sooooooo bad. At least I hope to try to get to know her and be friends with her. It’s better than nothing and I doubt there’s any way she could be bi, let alone gay. Yes, she’s a neighbor and yes, she’s got a job. But this is an exception I can’t pass up.

MONDAY, JULY 20, 1992 I am just slowly beginning to wake up. I slept like a log from 12:30 PM-8:30 PM, but I am still groggy. I guess that’s good, though, as it’ll keep me up longer tomorrow if I take my time waking up.

I hope I get the rest of my stuff soon and a letter from my nieces. It’d also be really nice to hear from Kim, Bob, Fran or Nervous but that’s wishful thinking.

I’m gonna call SSI and the food stamp people out here. I should hopefully be able to reapply over the phone. I’ll also call about seeing a therapist and reschedule my doctor’s appointment for my pap smear. This Wednesday I’ll be through with the antibiotics and will be able to continue on with my tan.

My TD has been really pissing me off. Since being on the antibiotic it’s been worse. Some medications can make it worse. My TD also acts up and becomes worse when I’m tired or upset, but we’ll see if it subsides a bit when I finish the antibiotics.

The gay bars – well – I went to two of them and they shocked the shit out of me just as the shrinks in Natchaug did. Just when I thought nothing more could shock me. Back east it was 95% butch and a very occasional feminine woman. Here, there were lots of butches but also feminine ones mixed in. There weren’t tons and tons of them, but there sure was enough. More than a few. For the first time, I felt like I had the same variety as gay men do.

I met these 5 girls named Becky, Carmen, Carol, Holly and Lori. I gave them all my number or Andy’s number, I should say, but did they call me after telling me how pretty and nice I was? No. Of course not. Whatever’s up there is determined to let me only have two one-nighters a year.

I was also shocked at all these people who say they want relationships. And after I tell them I only want one-nighters here and there so they won’t feel threatened or scared that I’ll smother them or put strings on them. Yet I still get nowhere.

Why are people so afraid to pick up the phone? If they really want to check into someone, why don’t they put any effort into it? Why is it always me that does the seeking and approaching? The only one that approached me was one that wasn’t ugly, but not in the least bit attractive, naturally. What else is new? To tell the truth, though, after dealing with more and more shit with people, I’m glad they never called. Donna and Andy reminded me just what I’d be in for.

The only ones out of those 5 that I may have been attracted to enough to sleep with would’ve been Carmen and Becky and maybe Holly. Not Carol or Lori. I highly doubt they called during this shit with Andy. If they did he may be spiteful and immature enough to not tell me, but if that is the case, he’s done me a great favor and has spared me more bullshit. I don’t think he’d be mature enough to leave a note on my door at least, no matter how I felt about meeting them. But I’m completely turned off after his and Donna’s shit. Even with pursuing Sonja who’s never called back after I spoke to her. We had an OK talk too, or so I thought.

Wait till my sister calls. He can’t wait, no doubt, to go on and on crying on her shoulder. She won’t fall for it and knows better but if she questions me I’ll tell her it’s our problem and our business. I’m sure Velma and all his other friends have heard all about it on a daily basis. Well, enough of Andy, but I’ll say one last thing. That is I give what I get and if he can go back on his word so can’t I. That means I ain’t cleaning his place worth shit!

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 1992 I got the $50 from Mom and that was great. I really needed real food. All I had was stuff like bread, cereal and pasta, and I get sick of the lack of variety. I can’t get away with not eating right anymore.

I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail from Tammy or Lisa and I also haven’t spoken to Andy. I did leave him the $10 stamps I owe him and $10 in cash. My God his place reeks! How can he live like that? His place always reeks and is a pigpen. The way people live really reflects a lot about them. We both have had our depressing times and my place is sometimes a little trashed. But if you compare each other’s definition of “trashed,” they’re completely different. Even when I’m miserable I still usually have my place nice and my appearance too, if I can help it. He, on the other hand, always is a mess. That tells me something. I just cannot stand those that contradict everything they say. I feel so misunderstood by him. Part of it is that he’s got a lousy memory. Maybe cuz he smokes pot. The other part of it is his stubbornness. You’re a liar if he doesn’t want to accept, hear or believe something you’ve said.

I hate people who are so verbally abusive and think they can cut you down when they’re miserable, pretending to be king of the world and the happiest son of a bitch alive. I can see through that, not that he’d ever own up to it. He has said how he’s bitter and lonely and hates people and wants to lash out at them and treat them like shit. I can very much relate to those feelings too, but not with what’s supposed to be my best friend. Can’t people spare their best friends? We’re either gonna be enemies with no contact or friends that treat each other like friends. I’m not gonna go back and forth with him as we did in Springfield. It’s normal to fight here and there, but I won’t tolerate such shit like his on a regular basis. If he ever found anyone for a relationship, he’d never make it work more than a week any more than I could. Also, just like me, he’d attract the wrong kind of person, but for a totally different reason than me.

Later…

I got some of my old edits from Andy and duped them. He also gave me a tape of his best calls for me to edit. I’ve begun that as well as other editing. He and I have made some calls from his place. I still have lots of editing to do, but I always have more stuff to edit. I edited down all my convos with several different folks and left a few blanks for taping convos. Then I edit out anything boring onto another tape.

I still have to reapply for food stamps and set up something with a therapist. I sure hope there’s an agency that makes home visits. It’d be so much easier. I have a number to call that two counselors gave me the night I was all freaked about money. I ran in a panic to the payphone and cuz I didn’t know who to call, I called 911. I spoke with the dispatcher for a while and then she connected me with Terros. The police routinely come out first, then they send Terros out. I’ve seen these same two cops twice and this woman twice. I forgot her name but she had a different male partner with her each time she came out. I’ve forgotten all their names, except for Sheryl and Annette. They do a weekly follow-up for a month or so and they were the ones who came out last Wednesday. They’re gonna be here again next Wednesday on the 22nd at 7 PM. Annette’s white and Sheryl’s black and I don’t know why, but I really liked Sheryl. It almost seemed like it was mutual from what I sensed. It’s not that she’s gorgeous but something was there. Of course, I plan to keep my mouth shut.

Most types of people with real jobs that I’ve always seemed to click with are cops and security guards, like Dave here for example. He’s 40-something, I guess and is very nice to chat with. On weekends he’s here at night. He locks the gates at the pools at midnight. He’s here at night on weekdays too, as I’ve seen him lock the pools up at 10 PM. The pools open early in the morning but on weekends it’s open till midnight. I wish they were open 24 hours on my schedule, but there’d be lots of loud wild parties and no one near the pool would ever sleep.

After I got my $50 today, Mark next door took me to Fry’s, the grocery store right near here. He said to let him know whenever I need rides. That’s great as there’s no way I can walk in this heat with or without asthma. Early in the morning, nothing’s open and I never would walk at night. Can’t tell Andy that, of course.

Today it was 112º. Tomorrow it’ll be 110º.

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking of several things here and there about this and that. I can’t wait till I get the other pictures. It’s been almost two months. Also, I’m really looking forward to that second set of shelves ma’s sending. I’ll use them out in the living room.

I wish Arizona paid as much as MA did between the two checks. In MA it’s $581. In CT and AZ it’s $442 cuz it’s cheaper to live here.

I really wanted a 1-bedroom. That’s what I’m used to and I need the extra space. Especially the extra closet space. I’ve seen them and they’re so nice. Perfect. I miss being on the top floor, too. My place, though, minus furniture looks nicely decorated. Now that I’ve got shelves, tables and chairs, the only other thing I need is a bed. A twin would be fine as it’s just me, although you can fit a double bed in there and I’d still have room for my shelves. Luckily I do not have my old queen-size waterbed. That would definitely not fit in there. A color TV that’s a little bigger would be nice too, but no big deal and certainly not the end of the world.

I am now just about completely updated. All I need to write about are these two lesbian bars I went to a few weeks ago. Also, 3 more drop-dead gorgeous girls I met at the pool. I mean, they are all a 10+! LaDon, Lisa and Rosemarie. Rosemarie looks the most like Gloria out of any others I’ve met, though I think she may be Italian. I haven’t spoken to her much yet, just exchanged a few hellos and mentioned that she looked like Gloria. She says she’s told that all the time. Late-night two nights ago at the pool, I met LaDon and Lisa. They’re gorgeous too. All 3 of them have bodies that look like models. They’re perfect from head to toe. Their teeth, flat bellies, and straight thighs. Standing next to them makes me look below average when I know for a fact that if I’m compared to the average female, I’m doing pretty well. The typical, usual bummer of it all is that I’m sure they’re all straight as an arrow.

Cigarette break now, then I will write about those bars. Then, I shall finally be all up to date unless there’s a little detail here and there that has slipped my mind.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 1992 Well, I never did get to bed after the last time I wrote. I felt really shitty and couldn’t stop worrying about money. I called Ma and I should get $50 soon. She’ll send that monthly along with a box of non-edibles that food stamps can’t buy. That really brought me a lot of relief and then I jumped in the pool. When you’re trying to stay up cuz your schedule keeps changing, there’s nothing like having a pool. It really revives you when you jump in. It’ll be easier to change schedules here. If you need to stay up all day to try to sleep at night, you can lie out by the pool all day and relax. You won’t sleep that way but you won’t be overexerting yourself in any physical way.

In a half-hour, I’m gonna watch Little House on the Prairie.

Earlier at 9:30, I ordered a pizza that never came till 11:15, so I got it for free and saved $7.14.

I wish I had a little microcassette recorder. This way I can speak about all the subjects I want to write about without forgetting them if several days pass by before I write. At least I do have a fairly decent memory that I know I can rely on. It’d still be great to have a microcassette, though, as that way no details would ever slip my mind here and there. Many times, say I’m at the pool, for example, I’ll remember something I want to write about, but when I do write I forget. If I brought a microcassette recorder around with me to most places I go, I can speak little notes in bits and pieces of the subject, then play it all back whenever I decide to write.

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 1992 In 1984, this is the day I walked free from Valleyhead. It was my last walk down Reservoir Road and I didn’t even know it. But I told myself I’d be damned if I’d return. I was a junior staff who had graduated. I’d done my time there.

Denise, my best friend there was taken in by Michelle. Michelle was my favorite teacher there. Michelle also despised Donna and her psycho sister Margaret. Also Barbara. She left for the same reasons any student there can’t wait to leave. She saw and knew how the kids there were treated.

I haven’t seen Andy since last Wednesday. All people want to do is fight, fight, fight. No one can let anyone be themselves. They flip out over the most stupid things. They knock you down when you’re already down. For a girl that expresses herself well and communicates well, I sure seem to be so misunderstood. I don’t want to fight with anyone. All I want to do is be happy. I try my best to get along with people but they’re always so determined not to get along with me. When are people gonna stop fighting with others so those who don’t want to fight and argue don’t have to?

I know I’m doing the right thing by avoiding Donna and Angel. And Andy agreed with me before all this happened that it isn’t always too smart to get involved with your neighbors as lucky as I sometimes was in Springfield. Who wants hostility so close to home? Plus, in Springfield, the only place to be was in your apartment. Here, I’m always at the pool and it’s harder to avoid people you don’t like or who don’t like you when you’re at the pool constantly.

A little over a month ago, I met a woman named Kathy at the pool. No, she wasn’t a butch as most Kathy’s, Carol’s and Karen’s seem to be. In fact, she was OK-looking. She’s got 3 kids. Her fiancé is a maintenance guy here. We chatted briefly at the pool and she told me she was home all day and could use some company. She gave me her apartment number and told me to come by anytime I wanted. I stopped at her place once for 15 minutes and I’ve never seen her since. She never said or did anything to scare me off but I know how all friendships are cool in the beginning, then take a turn for the worst. All is well when you begin anything, then it changes. If it doesn’t become a horrible situation, it gets boring. Maybe friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships after all.

Sometimes people are hard to avoid. Especially when you don’t plan on talking to them, but they talk to you. I did consider staying away from people with jobs and thought maybe it’d be better if I pursued more people on SS and SSI. I’m not ashamed to be on SS and SSI but so many people with jobs are bashing and knocking people like me. I don’t hate myself and I know I’m not stupid. However, when I tell people I’m on it when they ask what I do, they paint themselves a pretty bad and false picture.

I’ve written before about how one can only change the way they feel about certain things but not all things. How I wish I wanted to be anything else as bad as I want to be a singer. Sometimes, I look at all these people with jobs and wish I could love something else like I love to sing or be able to settle. I wish I had some sort of responsibility and a reason to get up every day. But even if I were a day person and had a decent job, I would have to constantly have to deal with people. I’m sure that no matter how well I did my job and kept my mouth shut that someone would stir up trouble for me.

There are a lot of people, though, on SSI and SS and everyone’s got their fair share of worries, fears, doubts and problems. I’ve been seeking out a somewhat “lower” class of people lately. No one on drugs or overly crazy, but low- or no-income people. People that are in my present situation, and if they have a similar background, that makes it even better. I used to try to seek out people who are fairly financially and emotionally stable with a better background. But these are the people who look down on me and feel they can do better, whether I hated myself or not. Opposites don’t attract.

Yesterday at the pool, as I was unlocking the gate, a woman called out, “Hi there,” as if we were old friends. Well, she’s 48, on SSI and SS, has lots of problems, is depressed and dead broke. Her name’s Ellie and she also has no car so we may walk to the store tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn’t coldly reject or try to change Ellie as many others would, but I’d be reluctant to get too close. I’d be thinking - can’t I do better than this? I’ve matured, presented myself better, don’t talk too much, remain evasive about my past and present life and don’t hate myself.

Later…

I went to see my primary physician here and he gave me Amoxicillin. I can’t wait till I’m off of them so I can continue with my tan before I lose what I’ve begun so far. I thought I had a yeast infection downstairs but instead, I have a bacterial infection. He couldn’t even do a pap smear as I am so tender there now. I’ll have to go for that after I’m through with my antibiotics and to make sure I don’t acquire a yeast infection since antibiotics can cause them.

My mom said she’d send me $50 a month and I hope she does soon as I’ve only got $5 until the end of the month. I really dreaded calling mom and telling her what’s been going on financially as she’s done a lot already but she was very understanding. I still must reapply for food stamps and hope I have a little extra money here and there once I get settled. I tried and fought for my SSI check but it’s hopeless, even though I was not overpaid.

There are so many non-edible things that add up, so even with food stamps, there’s never enough cash. I want to give Andy some money as soon as I can and God only knows if I’ll ever be able to afford a phone. The next few months are gonna be a struggle but I hope I’ll be OK. It’ll relieve the bulk of my stress if I don’t have to keep worrying about money. I still don’t know what SS is gonna do to my check.

I sent mom 12 pictures Andy took which came out fairly nice for a change. I told her to copy whatever she wants, then send them to Tammy. Have her do the same, then send them back to me so I can throw them into my collection.

I got some really nice packages from mom and dad. My pictures, typewriter, some papers, records and one guitar aren’t here yet. They sent my vacuum, one guitar, two quilts, two more bathing suits, shoes, suntan lotion, hair accessories, coupons and a small black and white TV. Also a lamp and two hideous shorts and shirt sets. Worse than conservative. I mean tacky, geeky, baggy and dull colors. That and a couple of pairs of cotton granny panties.

She also sent a table and two folding chairs. She asked me if I wanted the other two chairs and I said no. The two I have are enough. I like this so much better than my old kitchen table and chairs. They were getting old, dingy and beat up. It’s blue and matches my carpet well. The top of the table is soft leather-like material. To go with it she sent 4 mauve-colored placemats. The chairs are hard but there are two floral cushions you tie on to make them softer and more comfortable.

She also sent a raft and I was gonna sleep on that. I had figured it’d be wider but it’s too narrow for me to sleep on. Mark next door said I can continue using the foam mattress he lent me.

She sent me 5 plastic shelves just like the ones I used to have. That was fantastic so I could get shit off the floor. She’s gonna send another set which I’ll use in the living room. This set I put in the bedroom.

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 1992 Once again, I really need to get my ass in gear and write daily. I have so many fantastic things to write about and so many shitty things to write about. Well, why not start with the shitty stuff and save the best for last.

I’m listening to the original “complex” argument with Fran and Nervous. Thank God Andy had this even though it’s only 90 seconds long. It was always my favorite and it’s very funny.

Right now I am very disgusted and pissed off at Andy. I thought he changed. All he kept telling my parents and I is how he’s become more giving as far as car rides, for example. He told me to make any appointments I needed to make on his days off and he’d have no problem taking me. In these 115º temps, I cannot walk, even though the grocery store and the bank are very close. I’m not used to this heat yet and need to wait till it becomes a little cooler. He said that was no problem and understood. The other day he went back on his word and insisted I could walk in this extreme heat. He’s been going back on his word on so many things and bitching at me for doing or saying things that he himself does or says as well.

He’s lied to me and my parents about a few things and that has me wondering what else he’s said that may be a lie.

All he does every day is bitch about how stressful work is and the zillions of reasons why he hates his job. Yet I have never condemned him for it or said things to him like, “Shut up about it,” and “Don’t let it get to you,” and “Just smile and be happy.”

All he’s ever said to me since he’s been here is that he’s miserable and depressed. But yesterday he turned around and said he’s always happy and he wants to be around happy people, and that I should be happy all the time myself. Then he goes back to telling me how much he hates people and doesn’t want friends. How he wishes he could stand in a corner and never say anything to people. How he can’t be himself and is lied to and led on. I told him I feel the same way and that I stay isolated so I can be myself. But yesterday he bitched at how I’ve got a wall up around me and I’ve got to make friends because all the bullshit friends go through is worth it. In the next breath, it’s not worth it at all.

He’s offered me things I never asked for like to eat dinner with him. He’s knocked on my door and said he was on his way to the store, would I like to come along? Later he said how he shouldn’t have fed me or driven me to the store. Then why the fuck did he do it?

Then after bitching at me about how I don’t get out and live life, he goes right back to talking about how he’s gotta be alone and have space. He says that after a stressful day at work he’s gotta be alone and I shouldn’t come over every day. Any time he’s asked me to leave, I have. I gave him a ribbon to tie on his doorknob if he doesn’t want to be bothered. But he bitched about his space after I gave him the ribbon and that problem was fixed. He is a very sad, lonely miserable guy who cuts people down while pretending to be happy and king of the world. He’s told me how he wants to burn people and feels bitter just like I do. But why is he taking his shit out on his friends? Burn someone who burns you or pick up the phone, I told him!

He and so many other people continuously have to tell me what to think, say and feel. If I say I like the color pink and for whatever reason Andy can’t handle that, I’m a liar. As far as he’s concerned, I really don’t like the color pink if that’s the way he wants it.

I dumped that girl Donna cuz she too, started to judge me and assume shit when she doesn’t even know me. All she knows is why I moved here. I know Andy’s spoken to her, and I’m not sharing friends with Andy. I learned that with Brenda, Steve, Jai and a few others that it’s not good to share friends with him because of the way he tries to turn them against me when he gets pissed at me.

Andy insisted Donna could be a good friend and I shouldn’t dump her. I’m sure she could be in other ways and I’ll always appreciate the help with the food she gave me and the dress, but I will not be who she wants me to be. I know I did the right thing by cutting Donna off, even though there’s a little tiny part of me that misses her. The thing of it is, though, if Donna had been the one to dump me, Andy would have been on her side.

I am not gonna take his shit with Andy like I did in Springfield!

SUNDAY, JULY 12, 1992 I still have much writing to do. A few miserable things have happened to me since I’ve last written. I can’t help but feel guilty and cursed as I usually do, despite the fact that I had no control over the situation. I had a great month to start with here, then I wound up wishing I was dead again. I got so scared and depressed as reality hit me. So many fears, doubts, and questions were going through my head. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t want to live my life scraping pennies. Just barely able to pay the rent, the electric bill, food and other non-edibles that add up. Because I know now 100% for sure I’ll never have my dream, what the fuck is my purpose in life. What am I here for? To just barely ever eat enough and eat right? To be scared that SS will cut or stop my checks? SSI already stopped the check I get monthly for $16. They claim I was overpaid which is a crock of shit. There’s no use calling them as you just can’t fight them.

What is my purpose in life? To wonder if I can fully come up with the rent money and the electric bill? This is gonna be my life cuz I cannot settle, cannot have my dream and will never live in a project again. I couldn’t settle even if I wanted to. I couldn’t get up day after day very early in the morning. I’d only sleep 2-4 hours a night. We already know what effect that has on a person. Live in the NHA if you can’t sleep before 4 AM and see how it feels. I can’t afford to get up at 7 AM, lay in bed from 11 PM to 4 AM-5 AM and get up at 7 AM all over again continuously.

I also cannot afford to go without medical benefits and pay thousands of dollars for medical shit. So once again, what is my purpose here?

On July 7th, I had a horrible day. My food stamps are gonna be delayed now another month cuz the asshole in CT never closed my case. The worker in AZ said the worker back there never knew I moved. Bullshit. Tammy and Dad spoke to her. They do this to delay you as while they’re delaying you they save money. I’m so sick of harassment from public assistance, SSI and SS. I was so stressed out and was crying so long and hard that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I thought it’d be easier financially here. That is one of the reasons why I moved here.

Besides being scared shitless about money, I got a notice from the office here. Either pay a $50 fine and be evicted or get rid of Shadow. I knew I had no choice. Andy and I drove him to Paradise Valley where Stevie Nicks lives. We dropped him and his box over the wall onto her property. God, do I miss that cat! As obnoxious as he was, I miss meowing with him and his being so loving and affectionate.

I’m too upset to continue on now and that pretty much covers all the bad news. It’s gonna be a long boring life of struggling financially, wishing I could settle happily, wishing I wanted to be anything else as bad as I wanted to be a singer, and wondering what my purpose is here on earth?!

When I continue, believe it or not, I’ll have better things to write about. Right now, though, all I can think about is Shadow. Most of the time I have him pretty well blocked out. Now, I can’t get rid of him.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 1992 Right now I’m only gonna do a quick rundown on topics I’ll write about in full detail tomorrow. First of all, since being here I had a very scary close call a couple of days ago. It concerns financial issues and Shadow. I was a devastated bundle of nerves for almost 24 hours. The financial issue has been fixed, but I’m crushed about something else and I always will be.

I’ll also write about packages from my parents. Packages I have gotten and packages I’m expecting. Also, about tapes and calls. Tomorrow I must go to the office for my CDs.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 1992 I have many things to write about, but I think I’ll save the bulk of it till later this evening. I have done so much writing in the last few days, so I need to take a break. Plus, I really need to go warm up my voice as I believe Andy and I are going to go and compete in a karaoke contest tonight. I don’t know for sure. All I know is that when I went over to his apartment to use his phone at 4:00, he was sound asleep. Oh well.

[tobytheeggo]

Hopelessly devoted is such a cute ship name! I am one more problematic person who likes them…I stand for LGBTQ+ rights, legal abortion and I do not plan on waiting for marriage even though everyone I know off line believes different (my entire country is Catholic lol) I think that’s why I love bad guys so much, you don’t expect them live Godly lives. My question, I know Santino’s family is Catholic but France, more so in old days and esp Chile are also high Catholic countries…how do Vincent and Chidi feel about the Church and its teachings? Are there any that they try to live by in spite of the lives they live? PS I also think smoking is disgusting almost all men here do & I hate hate hate it lol

Ack okay so many things to unpack in one ask but we’re gonna get through it all!

1. The name!

I came up with majority of the JW ship names on here but with HopelesslyDevoted, I was actually thinking about the song from ‘Grease’! The original thought process was something noble for Marquis’ half and loyalty for Chidi’s half, but then I dumbed myself down and came to the conclusion of HopelesslyDevoted

2. Problematic Instances

See when I say problematic, I mean r4p3 and p3dophili4, which are two main problems with the users who write Marquis/Chidi fics on Ao3. What you believe in as stated is completely fine if not morally correct (of course, sex before marriage is a choice so no real morality there since it’s an option), so when I say there’s problematic people who like this ship, I’m alluding to those who have written these two in non-consensual context or in weird age gaps and very triggering situations for the purpose enjoyment (AHEM Laci.)

3. Views on Catholicism by the two

Now I’m gonna be honest, my family isn’t super religious, at least to the point where they’d take me to church EVERY Sunday. The last time I’ve been to church was when I was like 6 (which was a long time ago) and the most I’ve seen my family do as a whole is pray before food. So really I can’t go too much in depth with this, unless you’d want to wait days for me to do the research (I’d get distracted) considering that I’m neither French nor Latino and I don’t know how specific areas/cultures handle their devotion to Catholicism.

The only thing I can safely assume is that Chidi is very nonchalant about it now in his adult life, and Vincent’s probably ditched the whole ideology, maybe?

4. Smoking

I don’t want to offend anyone or start anything stupid, but I hate people that smoke or do drugs solely because it makes me uncomfortable knowing they’re destroying themselves so ‘violently’ (for lack of better words). I hate the fumes, I hate the rage with vapes, I hate that minors get influenced and shit (I’m a minor), and hate that I feel like I have to be chill with it even if I personally don’t like it. The same thing goes for drinking, however I feel less guilty with alcohol. This all boils down to the fact that people get addicted and it changes their lives; like I’m all for doing whatever you want as long as it’s not hurting anyone, but me personally I’m just not that person.

If anyone asks me to expand on this I will try my best to respectfully (not that I’d be mean abt it, just that I suck at wording things)

[skylinebeemine]

Me vs Actually planning my dnd sessions more then an hour in advance

Ok I was going to continue ranting in the tags but they have gotten too long so I’ll just do it here:

Tbh I haven’t been feeling motivated to DM. I was really looking forward to it at the beginning but at this point the entire thing makes me overwhelmed. Overly preparing would probably help some with that but the nerves appear even when just planning so I can’t make the move. I definitely could tell my group this (hell they were fine with me canceling last minute and playing Jackbox instead) but also I don’t want to seem “weak” or whatever in front of them

Plus the main anxiousness that has developed out of late is from the group itself. These are basically the only friends I hang out with so they definitely do mean a lot to me, however part of me has been miserable since I’ve come out as trans. For context I never did a full sit down about me being trans but I posted a meme on the Discord and changed my name/pronouns and most of them caught on (or basically knew already)

Only once did it come up in front of me and that was when my one friend (who was away when I first came out) got corrected/corrected himself and asked me directly if my pronouns were he/him, which definitely felt nice and I’m happy he did that. Basically everyone I already knew were trans friendly but it was nice for it to be acknowledged in a nonawkard way

Yet I’m mostly nervous because of 2 specific people. The one being the friend I’ve known since kindergarten who is religious and while I wouldn’t say she is Transphobic transphobic, she definitely isn’t the most knowledgeable about trans people and has said MANY things in the past that has made me wary to come out. I’ve known this group since my senior year of high school when I already knew I was trans, yet she specifically was the reason why I held off saying anything for so long. She still has not said anything to me about it but I’m waiting for the inevitable Stupid Thing she says and idk what’s going to happen after that.

The other person is her friend from her church that she recently invited to play with us. While he is nice and everything, and I don’t think he would start a fight about it, I don’t think he’s very trans friendly. It’s mostly a vibe thing, but I’m just nervous that someone will correct him about my name/pronouns and he will say an offhand comment that will start a fight. And even though I know everyone else would be on my side I just hate that this has to be something I’m even thinking about. Why can’t everyone just refer to me as a guy and move on without the awkward slip ups or uncomfortable moments?

Anyways I don’t want to voice any of these concerns to the group but this whole situation is making me not want to DM, but I don’t want to disappoint everyone so guess I’ll suffer in silence until the inevitable Conversation

[barbaramoorersm]

November 26, 2023

November 26, 2023

Christ the King

Eziekiel 34:11-12, 15-17

The prophet speaks of God in terms of a Shephard.

Psalm 23

This psalm fits beautifully with our first reading.

1st Corinthians 15: 20-26, 28

Paul sees Jesus’ work as destroying God’s enemies.

Matthew 25: 31-46

We close the church year with Matthew’s text about the last judgement.

As this church year closes, it is fitting to turn to this Gospel which enables us to look back on our actions, and to look forward hoping that what Jesus considers critical, can be the same for us as this new church year unfolds.  This feast established in 1925, has its roots in a historical period when nations were exercising great power, and secularism was on the rise.

For Jesus, his core life values are clearly seen in today’s Gospel.  I am afraid that some of us especially, in public life, who claim the Bible as their guide, fail to remember this list.  The hungry, the thirsty, the stranger, the naked, the sick, and those in prison are central.  And the next line is very critical.  Jesus adds to today’s parable, “Whatever you did for one of these least brothers and sisters of mine, you did it for me.”  I often fail to make that link.  These conditions can be actual or spiritual.  Some of us are hungry for justice and thirst for peace.  Some of us have been actual strangers or treated as such by our situations. Some experience a homelessness because of their race, faith, or culture.  Many feel a kind of nakedness by loss of a job, reputation, security, or health.  There are many ways to interpret what Jesus meant.  But the clarity of his words, “What you did for the least of these, my brothers and sisters” is hard to misinterpret.  There is a big divide between the title of Christ the King and Jesus Christ who is aliening himself with a homeless, sick, naked, or poor person of our day.

Our Gospel today shares with us the kind of Kingdom Jesus envisions for the Church.  What if the feast was renamed.  “Christ the Homeless One,” or “Christ the Stranger Among Us,” or “Christ the Diseased Person Among Us.”  It might be startling to hear these titles.  But isn’t that what Jesus is saying?  “I am the least one among you.”  And I believe Jesus is not just referring to those in the Christian community, but to a much wider community.

The kind of Kingdom Jesus is hoping to establish is far removed from many of the Kingdoms of this world and the values of many who hold or desire hold power.

This is the last Sunday of the Church year and when you think about it, it unveils the agenda of the one who came as a dependent child, naked, poor, homeless and with little power and influence.  In every sense of the term, Jesus was born on the margins of his culture and they became an integral part of his mission and life.  He had the heart and capacity to be with and stand with the wealthy, the foreigner in the Roman and Samaritan, the outcast, and poor members of his community.

Perhaps as this beautiful season unfolds, we might want to ask when we have found ourselves or others in the conditions Jesus outlines in this Gospel.  Found them either literally or figuratively.  One minister once told me that when she faced a visit with a difficult, sick person, she would remind herself, “I am on my way to visit Jesus.”

May this coming Advent season deepen our appreciation of today’s Gospel.

[salemsaberhxgen]

re; chilling adventures of sabrina bio

  so this will mainly be following the chilling adventures of sabrina horror comic books since it provides a lot more detail in regards to salem’s origin story but i will include/change elements to make it show canon compliant. of course keep in mind that we know very little from the actual show so i take a lot of creative liberty in regards to his personality as well as exact details. this maybe be updated as we learn more about him from the new comics when they pick up after the series finale. the main difference from show canon being that, as in the comics, salem can talk. as seen in his introductory scene ( link to a clip here ), he talks to sabrina. i can only assume this is a telepathic connection which is characteristic of witches & their familiars, but he isn’t a typical familiar. in the comics familiars are often demons such as in the case of salem being a goblin, but in either case ( as far as i’m concerned ), salem has the ability to speak. i chose to ignore the possibility that being killed & resurrected as a goblin would have taken away his ability to speak but that’s just my opinion. now onto the actual bio:

  trigger warnings: severe animal abuse, detailed descriptions of violence & death, age gap ( 9 years ), pregnancy/unwanted baby/implied abortion/implied child abuse, hangings, mention of disease ( the black plague ), i think that’s all but yea it’s pretty fucked up. if you need the cliffnotes but are uncomfortable reading, this is a-okay, just let me know & i can give you the rundown minus the triggering content.

in the coas timeline, salem was a powerful warlock who pissed off an even more powerful witch who then turned him into a goblin. he can take whatever form he wants but chooses a black cat.

while samuel possessed some powers, no one would consider him a proper warlock. with no training, he stood no match against ANYTHING magic. he didn’t know how to use what he had, nor even how much he had. so he went through life as a mortal, able to perform only the simplest of what he assumed to be spells, though all were of his own creation.

it was the winter of 1692 when samuel’s ship ( the black pearl ) arrived at boston harbor. many of the men on board were sick with the plague or had already died from it. but by some miracle ( or perhaps some magic ), samuel was untouched & he made his way ashore. prospects for a sailor were quite limited in boston, but he’d heard a tip that there might be work in salem village. found himself stopped at the outskirts of the village, near the edge of a forest. it was there he came upon a farmer cutting down his corn; a farmer named john proctor.

then on, from dawn to dusk, he worked the fields with john. at the end of the day, samuel then had dinner with john’s family; his wife elizabeth, his sons benjamin & william. & his servantgirl abigail williams. but samuel's hubris was greater than was safe & he wanted more.

he & abigail became… close. weekly visits became nightly. except on nights of the full moon. nights of the full moon, he slept alone in the barn with the other animals. on sundays they all went to mass at the reverend parris’ church. the reverend preached fire & brimstone but samuel actually liked going to services. he liked to people watch, he liked seeing the people who lived in the town. but especially so, he liked to see the girls abigail gossiped with after mass. & one in particular, mercy lewis.

as time passed, samuel grew closer to the protor family. then, one day, abigail came to him in the dead of night.

❝ samuel, i am with child. will you marry me? please? ❞ she begged him.

❝ abby i have nothing… i can give you nothing… ❞ was all the answer he could give.

❝ then you’ve ruined me & i am lost. ❞

& for a long time, neither of them said anything after that… what would they have said? the next day he waited for the shoe to drop, for some outburst or accusation but none happened. at dinner that night, nothing happened. after dinner, he went to her. if she hadn’t said anything yet, there was still a chance…

❝ why haven’t you told them yet? john or his icy wife? ❞

❝ why should i tell? there is nothing they can do for me. ❞

❝ you should run away then, now while there’s still time… find a remote place where you can have the child. & then do with it as you will. ❞ while his words offered agency, the implication was that what she will do with it would involve taking its life in one way or another.

❝ … you… you would have be abandon the child… our child… or.. or kill it…? ❞

❝ children die every day, abigail. many of them in childbirth. ❞

❝ i curse you, samuel. i curse the day you came here… ❞

but even then, she said nothing to the proctors. but their seeming closeness had not gone unseen.

❝ do you fancy her then? elizabeth says you do. she wonders if you two will marry some day… ❞ john finallly inquires.

❝ i am too young, john. & abigail… would never have me. ❞

abby comes to find to find samuel in the barn not 2 days later.

❝ i did go to see my aunt — but not to new hampshire. to these woods where my aunti nesther lives. ❞

❝ what.. what kind of woman lives in the woods? ❞

but i knew what kind. i’d heard the stories. & suddenly, they were all around me… the girls of salem village. the witches in the woods.

❝ i gave you a chance, samuel… you ruined me but i gave you a chance. you made our dark lord very angry, samuel. he wanted blood, samuel, your blood. so i gave it to him. & his dark highness was pleased. ❞

❝ wh-what blood? how come you to have my blood? ❞ 

❝ i had it samuel, inside me. ❞

❝ our baby..? … you gave him our babe…? ❞

❝ children die every day, you said… you did not want it, you said… it were a boy, by the by… but still, he ate it…  ❞

❝ monster. witch. devil’s whore. ❞

❝ better his whore than yours. & better our son die than live to meet the woard who is his father. now… … let us discuss the matter of punishment. you trifled with me, samuel… i was a plaything to you, a poppet, a ball of string… you would have had me drown our child as someone would a basket of kittens… ❞

❝ make him one. ❞

❝ what was that, auntie nesther? ❞

❝ every witch needs a familiar. you’re old enough now. make him a cat & let him eat mice. ❞

❝ hmmm, a cat… it’s more than you deserve… …you villain…  you shall goe intell ane catt… with sorrow, & sych… & a black shott… … & i shall goe in the devil’s name… … ay while i come home againe… ❞

he walked into those woods a man named samuel… & was carried out of them a cat with no name. at least as a cat, & a witch’s familiar to boot, he had a hope of surviving…

now abigail was a clever girl, no doubt, but she was so focused on her wicked games, she missed the early warning signs… the troubles in salem village as they came to be known, started not long after his transformation… doubt & paranoia ruled the day, as accusations of witchcraft spread across the down, like rats carrying the plague.

some of the people hung were, indeed, witches. others like john proctor were merely caught in the gears of some infernal machine… either way, his mistress abigail was taking no chances. she plotted her escape with mercy lewis… while samuel made his. 

as he was leaving the village, he’d found himself pelted by rocks, some young boys no older than 9 or 10 had likely come to see the hanging place where the corpses of witches & mortals alike were twisting in the wind… but instead of staring after the dead bodies, they found it more interesting to add to the death toll. it happened so quick, the time between the first rock slingshotted to his side & the decent of three boys crowding him with kicks & stomps to drive him into the dirt. the pain wracked his body but with one final piercingly painful kick to his skull he lost conciousness.

but much to his surprise, he awoke. he felt different, like something had fundamentally changed in his person. then, he realised he was in no pain. there was blood pooled & dried into the dirt where he’d been laying moments ago, but he, himself, was in one piece without a single scratch. 

then came a deep & comanding voice, once samuel turned to face its origin, the words seen leaving the lips of a goat or ram, anthropomorphised & bipedal. hugely towering over samuel’s new & revived cat form.

❝ this wretched place will always be remembered for the butchery done to my wives & daughters… my brothers & sons… from this moment forth, thou shalet be named for this place, so thoust never forgets what happens when witches are betrayed… speak, slave. ❞

❝ speak what?  ❞ samuel says, suddenly able talk in his human voice again. ❝ why can i speak, devil? what have you planned for me? ❞

❝ you will serve witches & you speak to serve better. & one day, thoust will serve a girl who is both less than a witch & more… she will need your protection, slave… ❞

❝ & then will i be human again? ❞

❝ perhaps… there is a path through the woods… follow it, salem, & remember who spared your life… remember who is your master now…  ❞

defend her, the devil had said, her life will depend on it. & now, here salem is, four hundred years later, working with sabrina & the spinsters… not eating mice.

note: once “samuel” had been killed, satan revived him as a goblin, not just a cat. what exactly this means for him will be posted at some point but all that’s really important is what i had said above the cut; what his new goblin form looks like, that he can still speak, & also that he can turn into any animal ( other than a human in order to better serve as a familiar ).