#which is some bullshit i'm still unlearning to this day

[akuma-tenshi]

"you don't owe anyone anything" and "you should still be kind because the world is dark and scary and giving a little bit of kindness can help a lot" are statements that can and should coexist and i'm tired of pretending they're not

[pibsboots]

I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.

Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.

It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.

When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.

Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.

Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.

I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.

But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.

With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.

If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.

Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.

Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.

Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.

It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.

All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.

There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.

[thatstonedwriter]

⋆｡˚ 「More than Enough」⋆｡˚

◉ Sinopsis; comforting their s/o, who struggles with their self-worth

◉ feat; M&M, Fizzarolli, Striker

◉ A/n- kinda been in my feelings for a few days, but it's alright. Also haven't written for Striker in a hot minute so I'm deciding to give it a try

___˙•˚∘✮🌙ᯓ🪐˙•˚∘___

Moxxie and Millie also struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, so when you're feeling down, they have a good idea of what might be able to cheer you up.

Moxxie, ever the thespian, writes you a ton- and I mean a ton- of little notes, poems, and even songs- all declaring his unconditional, undying love for you and Millie. It's not generic love songs either- what Moxxie writes are the most heartfelt, sincere declarations of love you'll ever hear

Dude will also follow you around all day like a sidekick- actually. This guy takes the Hype Man position very seriously. Whenever you're talking, he stands to your side, hip jutted out and arms crossed. He's so sassy for no reason

Millie actually takes a more lowkey approach- don't get me wrong, she and Moxxie absolutely smother you with love- but Millie's lowkey nature helps balance out Moxxie's grand gestures.

Millie is pretty observant, so she's able to pick up on your subtle mood changes and habits fast. Wrapping your arms around your stomach? Millie beats you to it and has her arm around your waist. nervous fidgeting? Millie holds your hand, and gives you a reassuring smile.

Of course, they each have their own off days- sometimes y'all take a collective self-care day which is just code for you sitting on the couch, ordering food delivery and watching dumb shows; no matter the circumstance, Moxxie and Millie will always love and support you unconditionally.

┊┊┊✧ ⁺ ⁺ 　°

Fizzarolli knows exactly how it feels to think you're not living up to everyone's (or even your own) expectations. While Fizz knows there's no such thing as completely "getting rid of" these feelings, he will always do everything he can to reassure you.

Distractions are Fizz's specialty, so if you're feeling down, expect lots of jokes and random stories- its just his way of helping you get out of a negative mindset, even temporarily

Fizz is also the kind of partner to perform impromptu stand-up comedy acts when you're feeling down. Sit your ass on the couch with some snacks, because for the next thirty minutes, you're gonna watch Fizz attempt comedy while using a wooden spoon as a microphone.

It's funny to think Fizz knows a little bit of a bunch of different languages; wanna know what that results in? Him attempting to flirt with you in Italian or French but really just saying a bunch of random bullshit. It's the thought that counts, right?

Don't let the robotic limbs fool you- Fizz is very touchy-feely (unless you're uncomfortable with it). If you happen to be insecure about your physical apperance, Fizz is there to assure you, there's nothing to be insecure about. You're literally the most amazing being in his eyes

Fizzarolli knows how hard it can be to wrestle with your inner-critic, and that it takes a long time to unlearn the instinct of being self-critical. That's why he takes every moment he can to tell you everything you have to be proud of.

┊┊┊✧ ⁺ ⁺ 　°

Striker isn't one for self-doubt or insecurity. There's not much room for it in his life, so it's harder for him to empathize with what you're going through.

when Striker does take the time to understand what you're going through, he's still confused. He's more pragmatic, so when you list your insecurities, all he can think is how wrong you are

It's a bit harsh, but hey, so is he. Though, he does understand there's a lot about relationships he has yet to learn- like how to be a bit more sensitive when dealing with feelings of self-worth

at first, Striker's solution is to tell you "prove yourself wrong," but when he sees it's not the most.. effective solution, he opts to just listening, and doing his best to be a pillar of support.

Rather than rushing to fix things or immediately tell you you're wrong, Striker sits and will listen to you for hours. He won't offer unwarranted advice or try to invalidate your feelings- he just listens.

And at the end of the day, Striker knows what there is to love about you. He may not express it as openly, but Striker cares about you, and hates seeing you beat yourself up. He hopes one day, you can see yourself the way he does- perfect as you are.

___‎˙•˚∘✮ 🔭๋࣭ᯓ🌙˙•˚∘___

[voxofthevoid]

Hello friend! Just wanted to say you're my smut-spiration - though we're not in the same fandom anymore, I just love how unashamed and open you are in your writing and your interests and it's really helped me get over some subconscious blocks I had with writing my own smut <3

Ngl I've been mooning over this since you sent it. I also saw you mention this in the tags of that "positivity about prev" post and was very 🥺🥰 about it.

Seriously, I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I grew up in an extremely sex-negative culture, and it's half luck and half exposure that got me to shake that off. The worst of it took years to shed, and I'm still unlearning shit.

And every day, both IRL and in online spaces, I see people who're still mired in sex negativity, which is perfectly understandable on a personal level but becomes actively harmful when they try to police and even harass others based on those ideas. Fandom had some of the most progressive ideas about sex and kink when I was a baby queer who barely understood either, but in the years since, there's been a growing puritan movement that decries sex and sexuality, especially queer sex and sexuality. The number of people who get roped into that shit is too high to not be distressing.

Being open and proud about my sexual tastes, in terms of both my writing and my actual sex life, is a conscious choice I made and keep making precisely because I think it's important for there to be unabashed sex-positive, kink-positive voices to counter the old and new waves of sex-negative, kink-shaming bullshit.

So it's an honor to know it's helped you in this manner ❤️

[harmonyfriends]

Today I learned that my DID diagnosis, which I'd thought to have been only informally issued, has been officially on my chart for months now and I had no idea. It's bittersweet; I honestly don't like the medical system knowing, and some of us really hate the idea of that kind of diagnostic validation being necessary — we do not support sysmedicalism! — but it will undoubtedly help convince some stragglers in my brain that our system is real and valid. It came as a huge shock though; everyone was kind of running around the brain in a panic for a bit there. But I'm trying to view this as something worth celebrating, a reflection of an intense three years of personal growth. 😤

…I have DID? That's impossible. There's no way. I don't believe it.

It's true. It's obviously true. It is government true and you know how little they like admitting people have disabilities.

No, it's bullshit. I'm a master manipulator, most of all to myself.

No, that's obviously bullshit. There's no way I conned my therapist. It's real. God help me, it's real.

I have known it's real for two years. I just found out it's real today. Both are true.

One of the most profoundly affecting things I've ever seen anyone say about DID is that they thought of it less as a disorder of multiple personalities than one of multiple realities.

Some of me lives in the reality where I have known for two or three years. Some of me lives in the reality where I found out today. Some of me lives in the reality where I have always known, my whole life. Some of me likely still lives in the reality where I don't yet know, am still somehow in denial.

…I still am only just finding out, three years into our journey as a self-aware plural system. It takes longer than that for a whole system to unlearn what they learned up to that point about who they were and who they were supposed to be, I guess.

Anyway, ramble over. Happy diagnosis day 🎉❤️‍🩹

[baweiii]

No man I totally agree that a lot of white leftists don’t prioritize unlearning white supremacy as opposed to, fighting for civil rights that benefit themselves and not other minorities (rad fems and terfs come to mind)

I just saw your post about white queers going to hell or smt and it took me by surprise back then but I’m not offended

I guess if women have a right to hate or be weary of men because of all the violence they inflict upon them which goes unchallenged, the same things applies to people of color. I kinda get that they hate us, why wouldn’t they? After all the bullshit we put them through and they’re still dealing with today. It’s sick bro, absolutely dehumanizing.

I sent you that ask a while ago and you didn’t take it very seriously, (which, fair enough my question wasn’t very serious or well worded either) so I forgot about it but I’d still like to know your opinion

Sorry for the block of text haha

Hope you’re having a great day, and I love your drawings ❤️

brother my opinion would be a 50k vent post considering me and my brother are the only poc in our family and have only ever been surrounded by white people

Minorities have the absolute right to hate their oppressors, but it's rarely ever true despite the jokes we make. I've literally never seen a person who says "I hate white/straight/cis people" and actually meant it, including myself

My advice to you and any other white people who sees posts like that and feel some type of way, step back and chill out. I nor anyone else should have to worry about upsetting the wrong people when trying to make funny vent-y shitposts. I don't think poc should have to explain why they feel how they do.

I hope I'm the only person you've sent this kinda ask to.

Thanks for trying to be respectful but relax alright❔👍

[beemers-hell]

hey there ! i was wondering if you have any advice to get over the fear of posting oc x canon art? i really want to post mine but im scared that other people will see me as weird or smthn (esp since madcom is a newgrounds thing)

I'll be honest dawg, I STILL get anxious about sharing my oc x canon shit. I'm not entirely certain how I get over the fear in order to post the shit I make, but like, man you just gotta be a brave little guy n just share it, you'll never begin the process of unlearning being afraid to be your true self if you don't.

Luckily, I've been very lucky in that a lot of people have responded every positively to my shit like eb x tricky n all that, which is part of why I have an easier time of sharing it now. Its pretty rare for me to get nasty backlash, even on newgrounds! One of the tricky eb pieces i posted there only got love, youd be surprised. Plus, I think people in the madness fandom respond pretty alright to that kinda shit, there's a lot mfs out there that be posting their oc x canon shit n were all just kinda vibing in our cringe ass ecosystem lol

Also, Krinks is based as fuck and hell support you on that shit. My evidence is this, and this isn't even the only time he's liked some ocxcanon bullshit from me lmao

Also, zep i know you follow me here so if you're reading this thanks for pointing out my oc shit in the bg of my madness day piece to krinks you made me have a fucking heart attack while sitting in the livestream ♡

[maddsmallow]

cw talking about weight/my body image and my struggle with not viewing myself thru the lens of fatphobia that's been ingrained in me

had a pic taken of me today and just. it's just so easy to see how much fatter i am now than when i still lived in the US with my family. and im trying so hard to not care and just live my life, because they say body neutrality is the first step to body acceptance, but man. i think about my friends seeing me on my snapchat story and seeing my lack of a defined jaw and the way you can see my rolls thru my hoodie and judging me for it, and i just. im so disgusted with myself for how i look, and then that just makes me even more disgusted with myself because why am i feeling that way just because i'm fat!!!! i shouldn't have those thoughts!!! what does that say about me?? it says im still seeing fatness as ugly and undesirable even though ive been working so hard for YEARS to unlearn all the dumb fucking fatphobic bullshit that's been ingrained in me since day fucking one, and that just makes me so mad at myself. i see other fat people and genuinely think they are gorgeous and sexy but then i look at my own self and i'm like. god no ew. why?? im just so angry about it

and like i cant even send the pic to my own mom because the first thing she'll say is that she wishes i would work out to lose weight. which is the first and only thing she said to me when i sent her a pic of me with my husband and some friends of ours at their wedding having fun together. like that's all she saw, that i was even fatter than i was before i moved. and that just really fucking hurt. i dont want people to only see that about me. i dont want people to think im ugly and undesirable like i think i am. i just hate it and i dont know how to deal with it. ugh

anyways

[odoniam]

another CATRADORA WIP

adora grows up in a homophobic family, breaks her bestfriend's heart when they're in highschool by telling her hurtful stuff. five years later, that someone is back in town, living across the street just like good ol' times. except this time, adora got to make queer online friends (which she'll visit one day) who helped her through her gay breakdowns. she's still trying to make peace with herself and unlearn the homophobic bullshit she internalized. she also realizes she always liked catra -- oops.

You push your hair behind your ears, pull it up into a ponytail with practiced ease; you let your nose slightly scrunch up before you realize and you will it to just act normal, you know, like normal noses do – an easy enough task, considering that all it has to do is just be. It reddens instead and you forget not to pinch your eyebrows before answering: “Hey, Catra.”

“So… what’s up?” she asks and you notice just how bright her converse shoes are against the concrete and that they are not properly tied.

“You’re moving back in?”

She gracefully pretends not to have noticed your rude interjection and your refusal to engage in small talk. She smiles instead, like you remember she always did.

“Yep. Unfortunately for you. And your dog.”

“He died.”

“Oh…” she stops smiling. It wasn’t a happy smile but at least it wasn’t as sad as the face she’s making now. Even more worryingly: it wasn’t as concerned as the look she’s giving you now. “I’m so sorry about that. When?”

Something catches in your throat and you can’t swallow it down.

“Right after you moved away.”

A couple of seconds pass like that in complete silence. She won’t meet your eye... you think. It’s hard to know for sure when you won’t meet her’s either. But you know, even after all this time, that Catra Ismat never breaks eye contact, not even for a second, unless something’s bothering her. Why do you like that this is bothering her? You don’t know. You know that seeing her scuff her shoe against the road pavement, back in the space between your houses, with her university’s oversized sweater hanging over her frame, makes that something logged in your throat less harsh.

“I’m sorry.” and you’re not sure what it is that she’s sorry about.

A tentative smile on your part. “Not your fault.”

She sighs at that before smiling again, curling her lips into the same fake smile from before. The hey-hello-I’m-back-in-town-after-five-years-of-radio-silence smile. Not her fault, you remind yourself.

“What about you?"

She slightly rocks back and forth in her place, jumping up a little bit. You recognize it as one of her few unconscious habits and also a telltale sign that a witty response is about to come. It doesn't – one of her boxes tumbles down and its contents spill over her front yard.

"My bad! My bad." the stranger you didn't notice before, who's been trafficking inside the truck Catra's rented, yells out. "My worst." she tries and fails to whisper to herself only.

You wave at her, because you might be a bad friend but you're a damn good neighbor. The stranger has platinum blonde hair and a pout forming on her face as she gets to picking Catra's stuff up. When she catches the blur of your hand, she doesn't respond. You can feel her staring behind her black sunglasses. You get the feeling that this stranger dislikes you for some reason.

"Scorp, leave it for now. I'll do it."

"No, no! I'm supposed to help you, not make you clean up after me."

At first you think she might just be really nervous, what with her hands trembling uncontrollably. As Catra joins her you realize it's not that, it's something else and more permanent, so you try and sneak your way into the process of moving her boxes.

They aren't as heavy as they make it seem. Really! If you just suck it up and don't use your back instead of your knees it's not that hard. It's not your fault you're not a wussy like them and you can manage to pick up two boxes at once - is what you'd like to point out to the girl still staring you down with an unspoken and non understandable vendetta.

You figure her name must be Scorpia through her and Catra's back and forth. You tell her it's a nice name and she actually blushes, the hard facade immediately dropping.

"Aren't you an easy one?" Catra accuses her.

“I’m far from easy. I’m a rubik’s cube level of complicated.”

“Those things are easy to Adora.”

You realize from the lack of reaction or acknowledgement that she already knew your name. You think about Catra telling her about you, telling her that you’re blonde and slightly less tall than Scorpia, that you lived and live in the house opposite of her’s. Did they talk about the time Catra’s Halloween decorations actually scared you? Or about the many times she caught you lip syncing in your room, blinds rolled up? What about the time you beat her at a bike race on this same street? Because, if Scorpia already knew your name, she already knew that you broke Catra’s heart when you were sixteen. You just wish some context was given.

The midwestern emo mixtape playing in the background is Scorpia’s, whose glasses now rest on her puff of hair. She has brown and warm eyes and everything about her is soft, even the perfume she put on smells like it barely brushed her before she went out. You like her, even if she doesn’t like you. You learn that they met as foster sisters, Scorpia was adopted into their family before Catra came along; that they got a cat called Melog who is gray and disastrous, that they have a friend called Entrapta, that Scorpia prefers tea over coffee and that she and Catra painted over an entire wall in their hometown this summer.

Would you say your heart is aching? Of course you wouldn’t. But it is - so, so bad. The stuff you’re unboxing doesn’t help with whatever it is that is happening to your heart (you make a mental note to get it checked out soon): there are more art supplies than kitchen utensils and all that other stuff adult humans should pack when they move into a new place. The art projects popping out of these unsuspiciously plain boxes feel so light between your hands, so you are extra careful when setting them down, rolled up multicolored papers with intricate designs on them and fragments of hyper detailed portraits held together with some rubber bands. 

Then you find a small karaoke machine.

“It’s Scorpia’s.”

“You like it too!”

“When it’s turned off.”

She’s already plugging it in, her emo mixtape on pause, but Catra immediately vetoes it. By the end of the day there’s going to be a sign hanging at the door, reading: In this house, we do not fucking sing, written in one of those WASP fonts. 

Later that same night you hear them using the machine. It’s some 2000’s cheesy pop song with a nice bass and Scorpia, holy shit, she’s good. Like, she’s doing that vibrato shit with her voice and switching octaves like it’s nothing.

Catra is so off-key. But she sounds so much better to you.

[kerra-and-company]

💋😊 for Cio & Ari?

Cio and Ari hours! Absolutely!! :D

💋 How affectionate are they with their friends? Their family? Their romantic partner(s) (if they have any)? Are they more physical or emotional when it comes to displaying their affection? Why?

Cio is pretty...carefully affectionate with most people, at least when it comes to physical affection. That comes not so much from a lack of trust in people or comfort with physical affection (although there's a little of the first involved) but more so because she's still a bit nervous that she's going to accidentally set someone's clothes on fire. She's slowly unlearning that fear post-Icebrood now that it's no longer a concern and is greatly enjoying being cuddly, particularly with Ari (who is also very happy about this development). And I kind of already answered this question, but generally more emotional!

Ari grew up being very physically affectionate with her 'bandmates, from hugs to wrestling to casual arms around the shoulders (she's the tallest from her warband, so that was pretty easy for her). She then went through the I'm-on-my-own-and-mostly-shut-down-because-of-it period of her life, in which she was not physically or emotionally open/affectionate with pretty much Anyone. By the time she and Cio meet in HoT, she's up there for the most touch-starved person of 1328 award. Cio was the first person she started to be able to casually touch again. These days she's back to being almost as openly physically affectionate as she was before, and is more open emotionally as well. I'd still say more physical overall for that last question, though!

😊 What can make your OC smile even when they’re feeling down? What cheers them up and makes everything feel better for them? Is your OC generally a happy person and do they enjoy making others smile? What about your OC makes others happy?

Cio enjoys tinkering as something to occupy her hands with and to distract her mind, so it's not quite something that makes her smile, but it is an effective distraction. Her brother tends to make her smile by starting some sort of good-natured argument with her over dragon magic or magitech, which isn't his field but is definitely hers. He usually learns something from it, and she enjoys explaining. Ari will (with her permission, of course) gladly scoop her away from situations, and just generally make her smile via affection or via them going outside to take a look at things. As for if Cio's generally a happy person...I suppose so? Not generally overly joyful, but she has a baseline of content these days. And she does enjoy making people she cares about smile. For that last point, plenty of things, but her sincerity and willingness to give compliments is the first thing that came to mind. She really isn't going to bullshit you--if she tells you what you're doing is impressive, it definitely is as far as she's concerned, and people know that.

Ari, at this point, can be made to smile almost always just by having Brook and Casca (her two remaining 'bandmates) in the same place as her. They've had discussions about the things that happened when they were younger (the gist of them being that none of them blamed the others for it), and at this point she just enjoys having their company again. Cio calling her "furball" will do it very quickly, as well. And if she's on her own, sometimes she'll make various patterns with her guardian magic as a reassurance and as something fun. (Not anything that would take magical affect, really, just like...drawing in the sky with a sparkler, kinda sorta.) Ari also has a basis of general contentment, these days, but historically...no, not really; being happy is something she's really really had to work for. She does indeed enjoy making a specific subset of folks smile, though. What about her makes others happy...first thing that came to mind was that when she cares about you, she cares all the way. She doesn't do halfway loving someone.

[always-andromeda]

um. so. ive been thinking over my past relationship, and i dont know if im in the wrong for hating my ex or not? like. he wasnt very affectionate, which is just how some people are, i guess.

but the only way he tried to be at least slightly affectionate was by talking about sex, A LOT. like, every single day. like, sure, he could be sweet, but that was only in the beginning of our relationship. later on, he just. stopped being loving in any other way aside from sex.

all he complimented me on was my looks. he said he liked my personality, but then ended up saying i was unfunny and insufferable later on. i dont know if they were jokes or not, is the problem.

but heres the thing that pisses me off the most. he pretended like he was gonna break up with me, knowing it was one of my worst fears, as a joke. he said something along the lines of "i prank you once and you suddenly act like im the worst person in the world." like. we had taken a break from our relationship only a couple months prior to this, and it took a fucking TOLL on my mental health. he knew this. and yet he pretended he was leaving me anyway.

and then he actually broke up with me like. a few weeks later i believe. and he completely ignored me after that. i didnt get any comfort, besides one single "im sorry".

im just wondering if im in the right for hating him, because he was just clearly unhappy in our relationship near the end, and the feeling was mutual. and maybe him being unaffectionate was just his personality and he had a hard time showing love. i dont know. sorry this was so lengthy ack

Okay, so sorry this took me a hot second to reply to Ethan!! I really wanted to offer up like my full attention to really answering this in a meaningful way. Because just reading through this reminded me so much of the situation-ship that I was in when I was a teenager. Sadly, I think a lot of us are prone to falling into these kind of relationships when we're young and don't really have much experience with romance or any other kind of intimacy and it's a real tragedy.

TW for descriptions of emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, and mentions of sexual harassment below the cut because whoo boy this is gonna be a long one.

In my situation, the guy completely drained me of everything. He would encourage me to vent every single feeling and thought I possibly could. But as soon as I took it to heart and dared to talk about my day or something that was bothering me, he'd go, "Did I ask?" or "Didn't ask."

And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the sexual shit. The guy had a girlfriend who didn't really know anything about sex. So he'd make sexual jokes to her and make me explain their meaning to her, knowing full well that I had feelings for him. Then he'd turn around and make jokes and conversation about my own sexuality. Like as soon as he figured out the daddy issues thing, he went nuts with it. He immediately used sex and my insecurities to deliberately fluster me and make me uncomfortable because he knew it would only make me cling closer to him.

I went through almost three years of him upping the ante on his bullshit to the point where I was completely codependent on him. And even now, close to three years removed, I'm still unlearning some of the shit he instilled in me.

I don't think it's wrong of you to hate him exactly? Like there's often this narrative that gets pushed on victims to "forgive and forget." And for some, that may be beneficial in order to obtain peace of mind. But that isn't a one size fits all solution. Sometimes things just haunt us and we learn to live with it. Which might sound terrible un-motivating. And sometimes it is! Because there's a lot of work required for untangling these situations and trying to find something of value in them. Because they shouldn't have happened in the first place. But they did. It isn't fair that it happened, but it did, and I don't think you're a bad person for not being able to just swallow that.

I myself can never forgive the guy who fucked me over, mostly because he didn't just do it to me; he also did it to one of my best friends. And for her sake, that anger and defensiveness flares up and in a strange way, it allows me to process my own feelings. Because if I don't think she deserved that treatment, surely I should be able to muster up that same love for myself? Perhaps I should be able to advocate for myself with the same, fervent kind of love.

Because people who do that kind of shit–people who deliberately hurt you over and over again–they do it because they want to put you in a cycle where they can say and do whatever they want, all while knowing completely that you'll go right back to them for that validation. In my experience, it's those folks that are so sad and so ridden with insecurity and dysfunction that they derive enjoyment from doing this to people. And I'm not talking about people who maybe suddenly blow up before realizing their mistake and apologizing. I'm talking about people who take joy in hurting you. Those are people who will always feed on your sympathy and your willingness to see the good.

Whenever I found myself trying to humanize my abuser after everything, I started reminding myself that no matter what low point I've been in...I have never done the things he did. Sure, I may have been more short with people or a little less thoughtful and isolated myself. But I never once made that my excuse to deliberately and repeatedly hurt the people who love me with no remorse. So, no, I don't think it's unreasonable to hold to negative feelings over him. There's no one size fits all prescription for navigating these situations. It's all about what we can live with. For me, I can live with knowing that if I ever saw my abuser again, I probably wouldn't throw hands exactly, but I most definitely wouldn't be smiling and singing Kumbaya with that fucker.

However your brain and your heart chooses to receive that experience is completely up to you. Because at the end of the day, it is your experience. And you tell yourself and do whatever you need to in order to live with it. I love you, Ethan. Please please please be gentle and kind with yourself, bud.

[robogart]

I feel like my thoughts are rude, but like I didn't even realize how deeply wired my brain was to define hairy women as masculine, and when I realized that, I also realized thats why I never feel like I can really come across femme.

Like I'm a woman, but I'm hairy, and Idk

I just

I wanna say I love your art, and thank you for flicking on the presence of mind switch in my brain,

and giving me hope that I might be regarded as a hot lady like the ones you draw some day

Okay, first off! Babe you hold those hopes because they are REAL and they WILL HAPPEN AND ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!! 👏💖💖💖💖 I completely feel all these thoughts, it's something that is so ingrained in us since we were children! And I have days where they creep back and cloud my feelings/perception of myself too! But it is absolutely, like you said, just WIRED into our self impressions, and it just is slowly unlearning them and shedding off such a narrow mindset! Those rude thoughts are just echoes of someone else's voice that told you once that you can't be beautiful if X, or you can't be beautiful if Y, Z or Q. And it's bullshit!!

Unlearning harmful mindsets that were instilled in us from a young age is a struggle! And it DOES get easier, but there will still be those rude thoughts that might come echoing back at you some days. But it's tending and supporting and growing your OWN inner voice to be louder and more vibrant than that echo in the back!

There are days that I go out and where a skirt and have my hairy legs on display - and do I get comments or stares? Whispers behind me in line? Absolutely. But I know that it is because they are ignorant, and they literally have never EVER pushed outside their box before. They haven't seen a lot of people live outside the box they were given. Staring doesn't bother me much - they look because they've never seen it. You double take on something that you weren't expecting. But for those that criticize or dare to speak to me - it's because they haven't ever had an original thought for themselves. Which is sad. Your mere gorgeous presence is a challenge to them and their tiny small brains, and they are too weak to withstand it. Frankly, it's embarrassing.

And if they do comment at you, you just give a short answer, even just an "oh okay, cool" and you move on. Because they are not a part of your story. Don't give them tickets. They don't get a place on your stage. You don't even get past the front door. Be the main character that you are babe! You are gorgeous and beautiful and you ARE the hot ladies that I draw. Know that all the hot babes I draw are here just as reminders that you ARE A HOT BABE AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!! I WON'T LET YOU!!!!! 👏👏👏💖💖💖💖💖💖

[mittelfrank-divas]

i'm curious if you ever found dorothea's reason for hating ferdinand to be kind of... lackluster? like i was expecting for ferdinand to be truly confronted on his ideals of nobility by acknowledging everything dorothea and others like her went through because of nobles and class so for it to be a childhood misunderstanding just makes the end of their support kinda bitter to me tbh

I do really wish that their supports had gotten into the nuts and bolts of nobility as a class and how Ferdinand's ideals about it directly clash with the harsh reality of classism. I think Dorothea is in a unique position to call the nobles out on their bullshit because not only is she a commoner, but she's a commoner who has had to deal directly with nobles for a long time and seen some of their worst tendencies. And Ferdinand is the person who would be best suited for her to debate this with since he's not only a noble, but is essentially poised to become the leader of Adrestia's nobility.

Someone did point out to me that a lot of the supports do use personal relations as stand-ins for the bigger themes of the game, and I do think that Dorothea and Ferdinand's supports do that. There is a ton of symbolism in their shared history.

Dorothea remembers what she thought was disgust on Ferdinand's face when he saw her bathing in a fountain because she already feels a lot of shame over her low-born status. She doesn't trust nobles -- particularly noble men -- to have real respect for her, because she watched in real-time as the way they treated her completely changed after she became a songstress. As soon as she was dressed up for them under the glamor of the stage lights, she was worth their attention. Dorothea only feels like she's valued as long as she's seemingly available for male consumption.

So for her, Ferdinand's perceived two-facedness absolutely represents the noble class.

And even though it's true that Ferdinand never looked down on her when her saw her bathing in the fountain, and even thought she was some magical nymph, it's also true that he had to unlearn some prejudice since he met Dorothea.

To me, the most significant part of their support chain isn't their A support, but their B support, when Ferdinand tries making Dorothea a pastry completely, including earning the ingredients himself by trading labor to a farmer, merchant, and cook. Of course, spending a day farming is nothing at all like living as a farmer, but that kind of experience is exactly what Ferdinand needs to understand his privilege, which he only got because Dorothea kept challenging him on it.

This got long-winded, but basically: I think their supports hint at what we wish they had actually examined, enough that I like to think those heavier discussions were still happening in between the scenes we see.

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (13)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It’s simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if…Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

“A future without you is a world without color.”

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: discussion of injuries which i know nothing about, effects of drunk driving.

SERIES: CHAPTER 12 | CHAPTER 14

Jeon Jeongguk missed you.

He missed you so much he felt like he was going crazy.

He didn't realize that a big part of you was occupying his whole being to the point that when the two of you separated ways, he felt like everything he had meant nothing if you weren't in his life.

He had been dreaming of buying his own apartment ever since he was young, but now that he finally had a house that he could call his own, Jeongguk came to know that this wasn't what he wanted.

What he desired was not a house—he wanted a home and home was wherever you were.

The walls surrounding him weren't going to protect him. It actually hurt him. The deafening silence kept on bouncing that he felt like he was gonna lose his sense of hearing.

Jeongguk decided he hated silence.

He wanted his house to be filled with your laughter.

"Seriously, Guk. Why am I here?"

Jeongguk couldn't speak as Red continued to glare at him.

Ji-eun and her father couldn't visit today because Namjoon had work to do. This left Jeongguk with no choice but to invite his ex-girlfriend in his abode. He hated being alone since it reminded him of how fucked up he was.

He needed a distraction.

"So now you're giving me the silent treatment?" Red rolled her eyes. This was one of her ex lover's habits that she hated. Jeongguk was so bad when it came to communicating.

"You need to tell me the truth if this is about her." Red sighed and Jeongguk froze. The former hadn't mentioned your name, yet Jeongguk was already affected. He knew Red was referring to you.

"I like her a lot and as much as I enjoy doing you a favor, I can't do this forever."

"Msorry..." Jeongguk avoided Red's eyes as he bit his lower lip. His heart hurt a lot.

"No." She shook her head as if her ex's apology was pure bullshit. This was truly unacceptable. "This isn't just about you, Jeongguk. Did you know that the whole office is either questioning my sexuality or thinking I'm a kiss-ass?"

"What?" The confused boy flicked his gaze at Red.

She snorted and then rolled her eyes once more.

"People think I'm in love with your soulmate because I basically cook her three meals a day. I also remind her to drink water, take her vitamins, leave her sweet notes, and change the flowers in her vase just because you are too much of a pussy to do it on your own!"

Jeongguk averted Red's glare again. She was right. He was a fucking coward—too scared to do all these good things on his own.

He was the one who left you, but he felt like you didn't want to do anything with him anymore. Jeongguk had accepted his sad fate, but it didn't mean he would stop taking care of you.

The truth was he was the one who cooked the food you eat every day. He was the one writing you sweet notes, he was the one bombarding Red text messages to kindly remind you to do the simple things you usually forgot because of your busy schedule.

Jeongguk was doing all of this without your knowledge.

How could he tell you when he knew he was unnecessarily mean to you?

"I mean it's about right. I told you I'm gonna stay here for a few months. It's over now. I don't want to be your tenant anymore."

What he said to you six months ago was deeply engraved in his head. This lie was what kept him awake at night.

Jeongguk was lying. Yes. It was true that he didn't want to be your tenant, but it didn't mean that he didn't want to live with you anymore.

But he was so confused—so fucked up in the head that the only solution was to push you away.

He stood by his belief. You did not understand anything and you did not love him.

But Jeongguk was sure of one thing—or at least he thought so.

"I-I," his adam's apple bobbed up and down. He was nervous.  "I think I like her..."

The girl's scoff indicated that she didn't like what he just said.

"You think?" She crossed her arms, making Jeongguk flinch. Her reaction reminded him of the time he met Red at Seokjin's birthday party.

"Why did you follow me, Jeongguk?" Red looked like she had seen a ghost, but she still folded her arms over her chest to intimidate Jeongguk.

It was easy to frighten him. All she had to do was to raise her brow and cross her arms.

"Wow," your soulmate gritted his teeth. "You haven't seen me in so long and this is how you greet me?"

Jeongguk wasn't expecting to see Red at this party. He was here because he wanted to be your date. The thought of you bringing Hoseok to this party made him so angry.

"How do you expect me to react, Guk? I don't want you here!" She was panicking. Jeongguk called her a bitch the last time they had seen each other.

Right now, Red couldn't help but think that Jeongguk would cause ruckus again.

This couldn't happen. Not right now. Not when people were watching Seokjin, and definitely not when you were here.

Red went to the veranda to get some air. She couldn't face you, couldn't face Jeongguk, and couldn’t face Seokjin. The latter had no idea that Jeongguk was the ex she was talking about. They hadn't had the chance to talk about your soulmate because Seokjin was too caught up with the divorce trial.

"So that's it, huh?" Jeongguk clenched his fist. "You'll just decide you don't want me anymore just because you found your soulmate!?"

"Yes!" Red did not even hesitate. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She was so scared. All she could think about was the fact that Jeongguk could destroy this evening.

"I found my soulmate and I'm okay now. You should be happy too, JK. You have met the person destined for you."

Jeongguk looked away. How could he be happy? He found you, but he liked Red.

Red knew what was running inside his mind, so she shook her head and looked at Jeongguk straight in the eyes.

"Do not hurt her, Jeon. She's a one of a kind girl. You can't find another person as sweet and smart as her."

'But you're sweet and smart too!' Jeongguk wanted to argue.

"She saved my life. I owe her everything I have. I wouldn't even be able to meet my soulmate if it wasn't for her." She sobbed.

"So don't. Please. Don't hurt her."

Jeongguk blinked back to reality upon realizing that he broke Red's request.

He hurt you. Bad.

"You have to be one hundred percent sure about what you feel for her, Jeongguk. She deserves better than this."

He remained quiet, still pondering on what he felt.

Six months passed, but he felt like it wasn't enough to ease his doubts.

"No." He blurted out. "I-I like her,"

Red's expression softened, but she wasn't convinced yet. Jeongguk was stammering as if he wasn't certain.

"Are you really sure? I know I'm always pressuring you, but I want you to be real." She said carefully.

Jeongguk's heart was hammering. It felt like it wanted to be free from the cold cage he built.

"I don't know!" He looked like he was in a lot of pain. Tears were actually threatening to fall down his cheeks.

Jeongguk hated feelings. Why were they so complicated?

"Okay, Gukkie. Calm down."

Gukkie. You called him this. Jeongguk had another realization. That nickname was only cute when it came out of your pretty mouth.

He wanted to kiss you.

"I think you're just guilty and confused right now," Red started.

He could only listen.

"Guilty because you are being held back by the amount of time we spent together. You drilled it in your head that I am the one for you. You ignored the fact that soulmates exist and now that you're experiencing how the soulmate bond works, you became confused."

Red could feel that Jeongguk was skeptical of his own feelings. He was probably thinking that it was impossible for him to fall in love with you with just a few months.

But you see, that was how the soulmate bond worked. It made the impossible possible.

"I know it's hard to suddenly believe into something especially when all your life, you ignored and denied the existence of it."

Jeongguk only pursed his lips into a thin line.

Red continued.

"You feel guilty for trying to unlearn what you believe is a myth, but it's okay, Jeongguk. It's okay to let me go. You aren't cheating. Your feelings simply changed. Don't let our memories together ruin what your heart truly wants."

Confusion was eating him alive again.

"H-How do you know all of this?" He asked softly, making Red chuckle.

"Why do you think it took me so long to tell you that I found my soulmate, huh?"

Jeongguk shook his head. He honestly had no idea.

"It’s because I also went through this, Guk. It took me months to finally admit the truth to you since I was so guilty. We have been together for almost a decade and I feel like it would be such a waste to just let you go, but the heart wants what it wants. It's so much easier to just let things go."

Jeongguk grimaced. He regretted being an ass to Red when they broke up. If he only knew that it was this hard to be in denial...

"But don't get me wrong, okay? Letting go doesn't mean that you have to completely erase your memories with people. I still treasure the moments we spent together and I love you, Jeongguk—not in a romantic way, but I will always love you."

He was his first love, his first friend. Jeongguk had always been there for her. She knew he truly loved her.

As Red talked about their memories together, Jeongguk then started to reminisce the moments he had with you.

It was weird.

Weird that your memories together were not even half as many as the moments he spent with Red, yet all that's on his mind was you.

This was what terrified Jeongguk. You barely spent time together, but what he felt for you was strong—too strong that it defeated his ten years with Red.

"I don't know what to do," Jeongguk choked out a sob. It's annoying because Red was laughing.

"You poor bunny. I wish I could tell you how I did it, but you have to figure this on your own." This was the last thing she said before leaving Jeongguk alone.

Alone with his treacherous thoughts.

He kept playing the conversation he had with Red, making him realize that his own thoughts was the one making this hard for him.

Red was wrong.

Jeongguk wasn't confused.

He knew exactly what he felt for you.

He was just too much of a coward to admit it.

He never learned.

The six months he spent away from you should have served as a lesson by now, but no. Here he was, still ignoring the ache in his chest.

Jeongguk regretted leaving you months ago. He had to admit that it wasn't instant though.

That's the thing about regret. It came into a beautiful form—a disguise telling him that this was what he wanted even though he knew deep down that it was not.

He hated himself because of this. There were many warning signs from other people. He had heard so many times that regret was a two-faced bitch. It felt good at first, making him feel like he was floating because he was finally free.

But then it would come back to haunt him—to drown him with what ifs and I should have—to suffocate him until he couldn't breathe anymore.

Jeongguk hated himself because of this. Why couldn't he be like others? He envied those people who could express their feelings in the right way. Those people who knew how to dodge regret.

He wasn't like them. He got overwhelmed too quickly—causing him to panic and do stupid things.

But really. What was his way of expressing himself? How could he ease the doubts in his head?

What kind of outlet would serve as his way to be able to express the heaviness in his chest?

Jeongguk could only think about one thing.

He went to his art room. There was too much space in this house, but his loneliness still couldn't fit.

Everything in this room was sad. The easel looked sad, the palette looked sad, his blank canvas looked sad.

It was sad that he couldn't find the will to paint anymore.

What was the use of seeing colors when he couldn't do what he loved? What was the used of seeing colors when he couldn't see the color in your eyes?

Jeongguk's lips trembled as he gripped the brush in his hand.

He really couldn't do it.

Maybe he should look at his previous works to get inspiration?

Yeah. That's probably the best thing to do...

Jeongguk brought out the box full of the things you had bought for him.

It had been half a year since he touched these materials. He couldn't bring himself to even look at this before. It reminded him so much of you.

Jeongguk let out a shaky breath.

The box was overloading with art. The months he spent with you caused him to produce these lovely sketches.

He smiled while looking at the pile of sticky notes on the floor. These were the ones he drew when he was overwhelmed with colors.

Sketching was much simpler. It calmed his raging emotions.

Jeongguk started to absentmindedly piece together the pictures in the sticky notes drawn by him.

"Holy shit," his eyes suddenly dilated upon realizing that these tiny sketches made up a larger picture of your eyes when they were put together—similar to a puzzle.

Jeongguk's blood was rushing. It was as if he was slapped by reality.

The larger picture was your eyes, the small ones that were drawn in each sticky notes were every tiny detail about you: your mouth, your neck, your fingers, and everything in between.

This was it.

This was his way of expressing feelings.

His lips lie, but his artworks tell.

Jeongguk understood now what Red was implying. She was right. No one could help him, not even the love you claimed you felt for him.

This was all on Jeongguk. He realized that he had to admit it himself that he loved you, that he wanted to be with you, and that he believed in soulmates because he wanted to and not because other people force him to do so.

Realization was the complete opposite of regret. The latter was slow, the former was instant. It would hit you when you least expected it.

Jeongguk was certain.

His doubts were cleared because he knew you could see colors now.

You should be able to see with flashing colors and light, so why weren't you?

"J-Jimin?" You whispered, uncertain, unstable, and unhappy.

You were surrounded by negative prefix that was making him feel sick.

When Jeongguk found out that he loved you, he imagined begging for forgiveness at your feet— telling you how much of an idiot he was and that he was willing to take whatever you could give—no, scratch that. You didn't have to give anything at all.

It was his time to show you how much you meant to him.

This was why Jeongguk texted you, asking you to meet him. When you didn't answer, he was forced to call you.

Unfamiliar voice welcomed him to bring the terrible news.

The person on the other line told him that you were in a hospital. Your car crashed because you were driving under the influence of alcohol.

Jeongguk didn't know what to do after knowing this information. He was out of his mind. It was a miracle that he was able to reach the hospital in one piece.

He remembered running like crazy, he was crossing the street even though cars were approaching. He ignored the profanities leaving their mouths.

He just didn't care about anything. He just needed to get to you.

He couldn't get to you—at least not now. The doctors were still treating you. Luckily they told Jeongguk everything. He didn't even need to show his I.D to prove that the two of were related. He only needed to tell them that he was your soulmate.

It's funny how he refused to believe in the idea of soulmate before, but right now, he was using it to beg other people to believe that you were destined to be together.

Jeongguk waited in vain, staring into the space and praying to God he didn't believe in.

Desperation always led people into doing things they never thought they'd ever do.

"You're Jimin, right?" You continued to ask, still unsure.

Jeongguk didn't know how to answer. You were acting strange. Couldn't you tell that it was him who was in front of you now? Was this one of effects of the accident?

"I'm sorry I keep asking," you bit the inside of your cheeks as tears filled your eyes.

Jeongguk was quick to wipe your tears away. His touch was gentle, but you still winced.

Everything about you hurt.

"I can't see you. I-I can't see anything. It's all black..."

Jeongguk's heart sank, his blood running cold.

What did you just say?

"I'm so scared, Jimin-ah. This is different from the colorless world." Your tears were flowing non-stop, similar to the painful sound that kept on hammering your soulmate's chest.

"I feel like I'm going crazy. There's nothing here, it's just darkness sucking me in."

You were quivering in agitation. You felt helpless. It was as though everyone was fully geared up and you're here, naked—just waiting to be taken advantage of.

Being blind made you more vulnerable. You just wished this wasn't forever. The doctors said that there were two probable reasons why you couldn't see.

The first one was because of the accident. They already treated your injuries, but they said you still needed an eye surgery. Apparently, you hit your head when your car crashed. They said you didn't need to worry since this was the most common type of treatment for people experiencing temporary blindness.

Temporary.

You hoped this was temporary. Your heart couldn't take it if the reason why you were blind was because of your tragic fate.

The doctors told you that your blindness might be because of the existence of soulmate. It had come to your learning that the medical world was now considering this myth as a reality.

If this was the case, you were really damned.

"I'm sorry..." Jeongguk blurted out. He couldn't stop crying after knowing what happened to you.

This was not how it was supposed to go. Why was the universe being so cruel to him? Was he wrong? Was breaking from the phase of denial not enough? Was he really your soulmate? But why...why did you turn blind after he finally accepted the love he felt for you? Was it not enough?

Was Jeongguk not enough? Did he hurt you to the point that nothing, not even his love, could bring you back to light?

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry!" Jeongguk wailed, he was aching to touch you, but he was scared to cause you pain.

He caused you pain.

He would always cause you pain.

This was evident when you felt a sharp pang in your chest upon recognizing his voice.

He wasn't Jimin.

You did not pour your heart to Park Jimin.

You told everything to the wrong person.

You made yourself vulnerable in front of Jeon Jeongguk. Again.

"J-Jeongguk?" Your voice was loaded with disappointment and sadness.

He sobbed even harder.

"I-It's me," his voice cracked. "I'm here."

It's me. I'm here. If you were the person you were before, you would probably be rejoicing now.

Jeon Jeongguk was here. You didn't know if he was here because of you or not. In the end, it didn't matter since:  "I'm glad," you said." I'm glad you're here."

You did not sound like you were glad. Not at all. Jeongguk couldn't be mistaken. Your voice was too monotonous to be considered happy. Your expression was impassive it made you look like you had no life.

But you were glad. You're sure of this because at least you didn't have to beg Jimin or any other people to ask Jeongguk to come see you.

He was here so you could already tell him what you had been meaning to.

"I'm sorry, Jeongguk," this was what you meant.

He did not understand.

Why were you saying sorry when he should be the one begging you to take him back?

"I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable so many times. I didn't mean to—"

"Don't say that," he cut you off, but you continued.

This time you were smiling.

"Allow me to," you gulped. "Allow me to so that I could understand why."

What were you saying now?

"I have to apologize and you have to tell me what I did wrong, Jeongguk. You have to tell me what I did to make you hate me this much."

You were crying. The pain was unbearable. It was making you think of the worst case scenario. It was making you imagine things that weren't true. It was making you feel like his hatred towards you was the reason why you couldn't see.

You were blaming him.

You had the right to.

He hurt you so much.

"What did I do to deserve this?" You had been a good person. You weren't hurting anyone consciously. You had been giving everything you had, so why? Why was your soul still bleeding?

"I let you go, Jeongguk. I am letting you go. Can't you do the same? Can't you really let go of the hatred in your heart and just let me live?"

Jeongguk couldn't speak. You were feeding your head with lies.

Jeon Jeongguk did not hate you because Jeon Jeongguk loved you.

He loved you with all of his heart.

"Let me go, Jeongguk."

With his body.

"I don't want to be your soulmate anymore."

And soul.

You did not want to love Jeon Jeongguk.

You loved him. Once. But not this time.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Hey again! (last time i think this is really risky lol)

Thank you for the links to the book! I can’t sign up for the newsletter so the alternate links are appreciated.

The reason I never consider the philosophical implications of narak being unable to exist are that Hindus never burn in hell for eternity (unlike Xian and Muslim hells). The worst Hindus usually burn in Hell for a long time before being reborn with bad karma. Since no sinner burns in hell forever and a person with good deeds can go to heaven after they have finished burning (Mahabharat ; Mahaprastanika Parva), Hinduism is supposed to be a very great religion which gives justice to all. Fortunately, it’s actually really stupid.

I am pretty sure I am going to have kids one day so thank fuck I am ending all the generational trauma that’s been passed down cause there’s a LOT.

Everything you said about the worship being a performance, I’ve thought about it a lot. It actually helped. From now on whenever I’m home alone, I’m not going to actually do it. I’ll just light the lamp and wave some incense around and that’s it. And for when everyone’s home, I’ll just wave it around the god's pictures without chanting bullshit sanskrit mantras I can’t understand. After I ‘prayed’ last evening, I went to my room and wrote a bit of a story and scrolled through quite a few atheist blogs (including yours) to calm down cause shit it feels so weird.

Another hard thing to stop doing is praying before I eat. I pray before my main meals and I started praying again yesterday before eating before I caught myself.

Thank you for your help. Have a great day/night ahead. I hope you get everything you’ve been working for.

Bye!

<3

Thanks for the info about Hindu hell. That's interesting and I plan to do some follow up reading. It is still messed up though - consider the "best" person who went to Narak, compared to the "worst" person who went straight to heaven, and what the difference between them is.

One thing you might consider doing is creating a secular version of some of your religious rituals, particularly for when you're in a position where you're forced to do them.

I'm not 100% on how Hindu prayer works exactly, but what I mean is that if you have to lead it out loud, for others, you go into your actor/performance mode. You're playing the part of someone who believes. You're Dame Judy Dench or whoever. You understand this character, but you're not this character.

But if everyone prays or recites to themselves privately, then do something else instead of the traditional prayers, since they kind of mess with your head. Perhaps some kind of personal reflection.

e.g. "I am fortunate because I found my way out of religion; I need no gods in order to be a good person. I am grateful to the farmers who worked to provide our food. Things are not perfect, but this is only temporary; I have a plan to make them better."

That was me just throwing shit out there. If you're going to do it, make it helpful to you. You have an inner world that others can't see or control. Healthy personal affirmations can be helpful.

If you can get out of the habit of it when you're alone, that's probably the most healthy thing, to make not praying your new default. But again if you find yourself doing it, don't beat yourself up about it. Notice it, have a little laugh - e.g. "who am I talking to; it's like beaming a wishlist to Santa by telepathy!" - remind yourself these are old habits you're getting rid of, and then move on. It takes practice to unlearn old habits and reflexes.

Some days you're going to be tired or distracted and just on auto-pilot. Some days you won't be. That's okay. Remember that in science, there's no such thing as a failure, just more data you can learn from. It'll help you figure out what works for you and what doesn't, so you can do more of the former and less of the latter.

If you're feeling this is getting risky, better not to push your luck. But once you're in a better position - and you will be - I'd like to hear how you've gone.

Look after yourself.

[vampiresuns]

#also the way they dealt with Morga being responsible for genocide to the Kokhuri was awful

How would you handle that for his route or how would you have changed that if you wanted to keep Morga as an important character for Muriel's route?

tbh I don't know, because to know I would have to analyse what story I want to tell instead which is different from "I could do better at handling his route", at least in my head. This is a huge problem with NH, especially with the first three routes to come out vs. the second ones: they don't know what story they're telling any more. I say this not only because I don't like how they handled the last three routes (although Portia's the best, if you make me choose): with the first three there's a clear, coherent narrative that is addressed differently out of pov changes and character arcs.

So, because I don't know what story I would like to tell, I can't really answer you, except for stating the obvious, aka it's impossible to write a compelling narrative with these elements if you shy away from them. When it comes to these narratives (slavery, being severed from your own culture, diaspora, alienation, etc etc etc) people who don't experience them (any of them, together or not) can end up being racist by either trauma porn or bc they pretend they aren't there. Same racist outcome but I don't have to explain it to you, lmao, we both know this

The one thing I would do, however, is remove Morga as Muriel's mentor entirely. It's foul. The narrative shouldn't absolve her, Muriel shouldn't absolve her, and she "dying" to protect Muriel and the Apprentice is not just poor taste, but racist. It's not giving learning to be better and unlearning harmful worldviews, it's giving Saviour vibes and I hate it.

There's a Bosnian researcher I follow that spoke a while ago (I can't find the thread, she tweets a lot, but her name is Arnesa Buljusmic-Kustura. please know she's a genocide researcher and I'm butchering half the apostrophes in her surname by not writing them) about how she personally didn't think it was a problem for a Serbian actress to play a Bosnian woman during the war in Yugoslavia, because Bosniak women shouldn't be forced to relive that trauma so it's not like only Them can play themselves, but also because the film was done from a victim's perspective, it could help undo a lot of biases and educate from a human perspective.

Well, NH is clearly incapable of doing that, and the game can still be campy and acknowledge what they themselves put into it. If they had no issue deleting all the criticism and bullshit about Lucio from the prologue (like him setting someone on fire on a tantrum) they could've realised they bit too much and redo Muriel's backstory. Or, you know, they could've addressed it instead of doing what they always do: take some pretty patterns, reference them, and call it a day.

Also since I'm not indigenous, I would listen to indigenous peoples because it's not actually that hard. NH is just lazy