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httpknjoon · 8 months ago

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(re)starting over again | kth; 14

plot | Your four-year relationship with Taehyung was going well and strong. Until he was involved in a car accident, resulting to him losing some memories. By some, it means everything that happened five years ago. Things he remember? His friends, his bakeshop, and his ex girlfriend from the past. With that, you tried to keep up, restarting over again.

words | 4.9K+

genres | fluff, angst, amnesia au

pairing | taehyung x reader, hoseok x reader

note | *cue that tiktok sound* okay, guys. we're back. did you miss us? hi! I'm back with my monthly update 💀 I already outlined everything. there are six chapters left in this series (not including the drabbles). thank you so much for patiently staying around. i appreciate y'all a lot. let me know your thoughts, enjoy reading!

main masterlist | series masterlist

When did texting someone become so hard?

It has been exactly three days since Taehyung got to talk to you again. He offered to drive you home after your date failed to show up. You said yes. You two had a friendly conversation in his car. Like you were old friends, which you were. But were you? It’s complicated. For the first time in years, he heard your laugh and saw you smile just like in the photos he saw when cleaning up at your shared house. He remembered you waving at him with a soft smile on your lips before getting into your apartment building.

You also said you never changed your number and you would reach out. But he wants to update you about the small celebration the bakery will have later next week. He tried typing something but later erased it before he could even finish the first word. He doesn’t know what to type or how to begin a conversation. So he just typed a single character and hit the send button.

It was past six in the evening. You were already in your PJs after a long day at work. Treating yourself with dumplings and beef fried rice from the nearest Chinese restaurant in your area, you let yourself indulge while your favorite sitcom plays on your TV screen.

“You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay because I like…maintaining you.”

You found yourself pursing your lips when your favorite character said that line. It was one of the quotes that stays in the back of your head almost every time. You were about to reach for the remote control to play it back again. But your phone, which you set into silent mode an hour ago, vibrated. Your eyebrows shoot up as you read who sent you a message.

From Jung Hoseok

Hi, YN. I really regret missing our date last time. Would you be willing to give me another chance with a cup of coffee this Friday? I know a great cafe around the city 🙂

The day after he failed to show up at the restaurant, you woke up to a text message from Hoseok apologizing again. You reassured him that you understood and he promised to make it up to you. You didn’t really expect anything from that and thought that he would just pass by like your past dates that Martha set up. So seeing him reaching out again was unexpected.

You smiled as you typed a reply.

To Jung Hoseok

Will there be tea? I don’t drink coffee.

You see those three dots immediately popping in, indicating that he’s typing. So you quickly typed in a follow-up message.

To Jung Hoseok

Just kidding! I’m okay with Friday. Around 5 PM?

He was quick to reply,

From Jung Hoseok

Okay. Should I pick you up?

You thought you would just feel pressured if he picked you up at your home. So you just offered an alternative.

To Jung Hoseok

We can just meet there :) Just send me the cafe’s location.

From Jung Hoseok

[location pin]

To Jung Hoseok

Thank you! See you this Friday then.

From Jung Hoseok

See you, YN!

That’s a date for Friday, which is a few days from now. Even though he reached out again, you thought of keeping your expectations low. Because it helps avoid disappointment. You probably learned after your last dates with those guys you met before.

You continued playing the episode you were watching. Not even five minutes later, your phone vibrated again. You thought Hoseok forgot something. But immediately after reading the contact name, you froze staring at your screen.

From Aaa Love

👋

Of course, you quickly recognized who it was. Suddenly, you felt a sense of nostalgia in your head after seeing that name for a long time. Years after keeping this contact hidden on your list, you totally forgot that you never changed his contact name even after the accident. You cannot even remember when you hid his name in your list. Maybe it was one of those nights you were drunk with friends and made some decisions.

Before replying, you renamed the contact.

To Kim Taehyung

Hi, Tae 🙂

While waiting for his reply, you recalled that night. You remembered feeling good entering your apartment even though your date didn’t show up. When Jisoo asked you how it went through a video chat, you said that the date didn’t happen.

“Then, why do you look happy?” she asked that time.

That’s when you snapped out of your daze, “D-Do I?”

“Yeah, you’ve been smiling ever since we got on this call.”

“Oh…” your lips formed a thin line before speaking again. “I… I saw an old friend in the same restaurant.”

The last time you and Jisoo really talked about Taehyung was still the time she showed up unexpectedly after her wedding. You cried, she cried.

“Really? Who?”

“Taehyung.”

You wait for her reaction and you gradually see her eyes widen.

“What? What is he doing there? Did you talk?” she asked with surprise in her tone.

“Apparently, he’s doing some business here. And yes, we talked. He offered to drive me home.” you shared.

“And?”

“It was nice.”

Your simple and short answer had Jisoo simply staring at you through the screen. It was like she was studying you. You knew she had a lot to say in her head based on her quiet reaction. But then, she just said,

“Okay.”

From Kim Taehyung

Hello, YN. Just making sure I have the right number here haha

Taehyung finally replied. You let the episode play in the background as you tap on your screen,

To Kim Taehyung

I told you I didn’t change it!

From Kim Taehyung

I know, I’m sorry hehe

Just by the text, you can imagine him awkwardly laughing as he says that. Before you can reply, another text popped in.

From Kim Taehyung

Btw the celebration will be in the bakeshop. Next Saturday, 2 PM.

From Kim Taehyung

It’s a late lunch event with friends and family. We’re hoping you can come 😊

Reading that, a smile formed on your lips. With you working at school, you are usually free on weekends.

To Kim Taehyung

Will do!

“Can you put dinosaurs in it?”

“Of course, bud. Anything you like.”

Taehyung softly ruffled Jihoon’s hair, who remained focused on coloring his activity book. The little kid’s birthday is coming up soon and the preparations for it had begun. Since Jimin would be the one making the multi-layered birthday Jurassic-themed cake, Taehyung offered to make the cupcakes.

A couple of toys, specifically, dinosaurs, are all over the table that Jihoon and Taehyung occupy. And ever since he arrived at the shop this morning, the kid kept talking about his favorite animal. Being the best uncle that he is, Taehyung listens while being quietly amazed by how much Jihoon knows about dinosaurs.

“Ashley just sent a copy of the contract in our e-mail earlier. She wants us to review it first before finalizing.” Jimin spoke while placing an apple juice box on the table.

Jihoon scoots a little to accommodate his father sitting next to him. He stayed busy with his crayons.

“Have you read it?” Jimin asked.

Taehyung shakes his head, “I haven’t. I think I left my phone on silent while doing those lemon tarts.”

“Well, I think you should read it. They put something they probably forgot to mention before.” his friend noted.

His eyebrows draw together before reaching for his phone. Taehyung immediately clicked on the file sent to him from Ashley. He carefully read word by word written in the document. He thought everything was already mentioned in their online meeting days after he went to Incheon. Until he read one of the sections of the contract.

Staffing Arrangements

The bakery agrees to temporarily assign one of its capable bakers to work at the restaurant in Incheon for four weeks, beginning on the first day of offering the pastries on the menu of the restaurant. During this time, the assigned baker will head pastry production, equip training for restaurant staff, and guarantee regular quality control. The restaurant agrees to cover the entrusted baker's salary, expenses, and even housing if demanded.

After pausing for a few seconds, Taehyung scanned his eyes all over that part again. Just to make sure he understood it right. He looked back up to Jimin, who had his arms crossed over his chest while waiting for a reaction from him.

“So?”

“This means one of us had to stay here while the other had to manage around in Incheon.”

September is usually dry and warmer in Incheon.

After living in this part of the country for around two years now, you already got better at predicting the weather and climate. But today, your predictions were proven wrong when you had to stay under a waiting shed while the harsh raindrops poured continuously. You were too confident that you left your umbrella at home.

4:12 PM

You looked down at your phone. It has been almost thirty minutes since you stood in this shed, waiting for your usual bus to arrive. But you don’t know why there have only been two buses that passed by. You were unable to get on any of those since both were packed, considering the unexpected rainfall. You tried booking a cab but there’s nothing around your area at the moment. Your friend, Aileen already left earlier with her husband while Martha offered to drive you home but you live almost twenty minutes away from her. So, you kindly rejected her offer. Again, you were too confident that you would be able to ride the bus quickly.

Puffing your cheeks, you began dialing someone’s number. He answered after the second ring.

“Hey, Hoseok…” you greeted.

He was quick to reply, “Hi, are you on your way? I’m driving to the cafe.”

“Yeah, uhm, I’m kinda running late for our date tonight.” you chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of your head. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, it’s okay. Everything alright?”

“Haha, yeah. Just waiting for a bus to stop by here the school. It’s raining like crazy today.” you mentioned.

“Yeah, it is… you know, I can pick you up if you want to.” he offered.

Your eyebrows lifted, “Really?”

“Of course, YN.”

“Okay, thank you so much!” you smiled, finally.

“No worries. I’m on my way.”

“Okay, take care,” you said before ending the call.

With your plans of getting ready pre-date at your home canceled, you sat on one of the benches in the shed and touched up yourself quickly. You reapplied your lipstick with your front camera as your mirror. You ran your hand through the stubborn flyaways of your hair before tying it into the easiest half-up, half-down hairstyle you know. You’re still in your usual work clothes, a statement T-shirt (with a friendly and maybe corny quote written on it and jeans. Originally, you would wear something cuter. But this one will do. Even though the cool breeze makes you wish you wore something warmer too.

And less than five minutes later, a black Audi stops right in front of the stop. Your legs bounced restlessly. The windows were tinted dark so you cannot really see who’s inside. But the door on the other side of the car opened and there, you recognized the man from the pictures on Martha’s phone. Almost like sunshine, his smile as he made his way to you made you smile too. Your fidgeting legs had already calmed down as he stopped in front of you.

“YN?” He asked since this was the first time you two really saw each other.

You nodded, “Hi. You’re Hoseok, right?”

Although you were at ease with his arrival, there was still an awkward tension between you two. But it tones down when you two chuckled.

“Yes, nice to meet you.” he smiled again. He quickly noticed you hugging yourself. “It’s cold. How about let’s get you inside?”

“Sounds good.” you agreed.

Joining him under his transparent umbrella, your shoulders brushed against each other, and you could feel his warmth beside you. He opened the car door for you while ensuring no raindrop would touch your skin. You mumbled a small ‘thank you’ when you finally got to sit inside. You watched as he made his way back to the driver’s side of the car.

“Are you okay? Everything’s fine?” he asked immediately.

“Yeah, thank you again for picking me up,” you replied.

“You’re welcome,” he replied before reaching for something from the backseat.

Your eyes widened when you saw what it was. It was like your eyes sparkled as he handed you the small bouquet of yellow tulips, tied with a matching gold ribbon.

“I’m really sorry for missing our date last time.” he apologized, watching you appreciate the flowers.

It has been so long since you received flowers. You cannot even remember when was the last time. So you cannot help but feel this funny feeling in your stomach while you look at the flowers. Especially since yellow tulips are your favorite.

“You didn’t have to. I understand why,” you spoke, tilting your head in his direction. Your voice was small and soft.

“Still, you waited for me alone in that restaurant. I cancelled last minute… Do you love it?”

“Of course, I love yellow tulips!” you exclaimed before taking in its subtle scent.

“I’m glad. I may or may not have asked Martha for help with those.” he chuckled.

Hoseok began driving while you find it more comfortable being around him. He has this infectious smile that brings more warmth in this rainy weather. It probably helps when he’s with patients.

“How long have you been waiting there?” he asked, starting up a conversation.

“Oh, you know, like half an hour.” you sneered at yourself. You hear him gasp. You chuckled, “To be fair, it is a rainy day. I can usually find a ride easily. I just didn’t expect that it would rain today.”

“It’s usually sunny at this time of the year,” he noted.

“It is. I was already waiting for the bus when the rain poured,” you told him.

“I thought you and Martha usually go home together?” he asked, looking from the road to you for a quick second.

“Sometimes. But I feel bad for making her drive past her house for like twenty minutes,” you revealed.

You tried offering to pay for her gas but she declined. Although she constantly assured you that it’s fine, you feel like an inconvenience, especially after a busy day at work. You are very aware it’s a you problem. But it’s just the way it is.

You shifted in your seat, “How about you? Did you have work today?”

He nods, “Ah, yes. I got off my shift earlier this day. Then went home to see my dog before dropping her off at my sister’s.”

“Oh, you have a dog?”

“Yeah, a senior dog but Mickey’s still the family’s baby.” he chuckled. “We take turns with her. Some days, she’s with me. Or my sister’s or my parents’.”

“So, you’re originally from here in Incheon?” you asked, curious when he mentioned his family.

He shakes his head, “No, we moved here when I was in high school. I left during college. Then, came back when I began working. I like staying close to my family. And you?”

“No, I moved here from Seoul two years ago.” you shared.

“And what about your family? They stayed there?” he asked.

“Nope, I’m an only child. My parents died years ago– Please, don’t say you’re sorry. It’s fine, it’s been so long.” you chuckled when you saw how his expression changed. “But I do have my Aunty Belle. She’s around the city too. She looked after me until I left to study in SNU.”

“You went to SNU too?” Hoseok exclaimed.

You beamed, “Yes– Wait, we’re here?”

He laughed, “Yeah.”

Distracted, you didn’t notice the car arriving in front of the cafe Hoseok talked about. He told you to wait for him, leaving the car with the umbrella. He opened the car door for you and helped you with the umbrella. He does the same thing when opening the cafe’s front door for you. And when a bell clangs when the door opens, you get reminded of your favorite bakeshop back in Seoul.

“I’ll be having iced americano and a slice of carrot cake. How ‘bout you?” Hoseok turned to you as you two stood in front of the staff.

“I’ll have green tea and banana muffins,” you answered.

After ordering, you two sat on one of the empty pearly white tables and chairs near the glass window while waiting. It was a well-lit place. It has a minimalist and clean aesthetic. Hoseok sat across you, tapping his fingers along to the music playing in the background.

“So, what made you agree to do this blind date?” you asked him.

“Well, I’ve been single for the last three months and I never really tried blind dating before so I said yes when Martha told me about you,” he answered.

“Well, I hope she said nice things.” you two chuckled.

“Don't worry, she did.” He assured you. “How about you?”

“Martha had been setting me up for blind dates these past few months because I’ve been single ever since I came here in Incheon. The last dates I went to were unsuccessful so she promised that this one was gonna be great. So I agreed for the last time.” you told him.

“And so far, how is this one going?” he asked cheekily.

You pretended to think for a second, humming as you rubbed your chin. He laughed.

“It’s going great. You get plus points for my favorite flowers.” you smiled.

“Even though I didn't show up last time?”

He seemed really apologetic about that. He brought it up again for the nth time even though you already told him countless times that it’s okay.

You puffed, “Hoseok, it's fine. I really do understand. I used to work at a hospital, things can get a little spontaneous. No worries about it.”

A staff member came with your orders. She carefully placed your drinks and food on your table. You can feel your shoulders relaxing as you feel the warmth of the tea on your tongue when you take a sip from the cup.

“How was it?”

You smiled, “Nice. Perfect for a rainy day. How did you find this place? I don't think I ever reached this part of the city.”

“This is the only open cafe I see whenever I get off from my shift very late at night. I love their coffee here.”

You nodded while taking a bite from the banana muffin you ordered. And you quickly recognized its difference from your usual banana muffin. You look at Hoseok who's enjoying his cake.

“How was it?” he asked, pointing his fork at your muffins.

“This feels a little dry and the texture’s a bit rough,” you whispered, not really wanting the nice lady at the cashier to hear you.

You don't want to be critical. But you just got used to having a soft and fluffy banana muffin or even bread with the right amount of sweetness in it.

He leaned a bit forward, mirroring you, “Really?”

“Yeah, seems like it had a lot of flour,” you added before offering him one of the muffins.

You watched him take a bite and chew on it. After gulping it down, you wait for his opinion.

“It is dry.” he nods before putting the muffin down. “You seem to know a lot about bread. Do you bake?”

No, but I know someone who put his heart out and is a perfectionist in baking.

Instead of saying that, you shake your head.

“Oh, no. But I do love a lot of bread and pastries. I just know friends who bake back in Seoul.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. We probably didn't get to discuss that in the meeting we had.”

Taehyung, along with Jimin, sat at the same table since that morning. Jihoon’s mom already picked him up earlier and the shop was already sold out by 5 PM so they closed early. Now, they are just having a call with Ashley about the contract.

“So, it means that based here on the contract, you want one of us to stay there in Incheon to oversee the pastries.” Jimin clarified.

“Yes, we just want to make sure that the quality of the products will be the same as what you have there in Seoul. Also, we thought that it might be better for our crew members to personally learn about it from the baker himself.” Ashley explained through the call set in loudspeaker mode.

Jimin looked at Taehyung who nods with that. This time, Taehyung has a question.

“You said that there would be a salary?”

“Yes. There would be a separate salary for the baker who will be staying here with us for four weeks. And since traveling from Seoul to Incheon can be a hassle, if you want to, we can also provide temporary accommodation with complete furniture. My husband runs a condominium business here so the accommodation would be on one of his buildings.”

Both of the men’s jaws dropped with that information. Their eyes were wide as they met each other's gaze. They definitely didn't expect that information from her. They were unaware of how rich she was. They just know that she runs a great restaurant in Incheon.

Jimin cleared his dry throat, “Okay, thank you for clarifying it. But we hope you can still wait before we sign the contract since me and my friend still have to talk about it.”

“Sure, of course. Just reach out to us whatever your decision is.”

“Thank you. Have a great night.”

As soon as Jimin ended the call, the two exchanged looks.

“So?” Taehyung began.

Jimin shakes his head, “I can't. Jihoon just began going to school. You know what my co-parenting arrangements with his mom are.”

Taehyung nods. After learning about Jihoon’s existence, Jimin wanted to make up for those years he missed. He was hands-on in everything that his son takes part in. He is also helping Jihoon’s mom in looking after him since she is currently working in a nine-to-five job.

“It's fine with me. I went on vacation there once. It's nice there. Plus, we can split the salary.” He commented.

And he didn't really have any obligations here in Seoul. Unlike his best friend. It would be easier and better if he went. Jimin can manage the shop while taking care of Jihoon. Taehyung is flexible in working everywhere.

“It would also be nice to stay in a new place.”

“No, but the living finances in Seoul are really more expensive than here.”

You don't sure how long has it been since you and Hoseok arrived here in the cafe. You already finished your tea while the ice on his drink has already melted. The only muffin left was half-eaten. The plate of his carrot cake was already on your after he let you finish it when he noticed that you liked it after giving you a taste.

“It is. That's also another reason why I came back here.” Hoseok exclaimed. “I can't stand living with another careless roommate again.”

You laughed when he referenced his bad roommate experience he told you earlier. Hoseok has been funny and nice ever since he picked you up today. He talked about Mickey, his life back in Seoul, and a little bit about his family.

“But you said you stayed in Seoul after graduating, right?” he recalled.

“Yes, I did.”

“How? Did you live alone?”

“At first, I became roommates with my best friend there, who’s also a nurse. That lasted for a couple of years... Then, I moved in with the guy I was dating at the time.” You told him.

“Like in his apartment?”

You shake your head, “We bought a house.”

His jaw dropped, “You bought a house? In Seoul?!”

“Yeah, we did some research and saved up for it starting from our first anniversary. Apparently, foreclosed properties are cheap there.” You shared it like a fact.

Taehyung was the first one to bring up the idea of living together a few weeks before your anniversary. After talking about it, you two did some research and went to a lot of open houses. Then, you found out about foreclosed properties. Taehyung and you looked in about four foreclosed houses before landing on the one you called home.

“What happened to the house after you broke up?” He asked.

You purse your lips, “He's living in it. But we agreed to talk about it soon.”

How soon is soon though?

“So it was a good breakup?”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

The last sentence was almost a whisper by the end. You cleared your throat as if something was stuck in it. It was your turn to ask.

“How about you? How was your last relationship?”

Hoseok leaned back on his chair, crossing his arm over his chest, “It was great for the most part. We’ve been together for only one year. I actually proposed to her.”

Your eyebrows scrunched together, “Really? What happened?”

“We had a lot of misunderstandings in the last months of our relationship. It can be about everything. But mostly, she gets mad whenever I have an emergency in the hospital and I understand that. So one day, we harshly broke up during a fight before I left for work.”

“So it's a bad breakup?”

“Yeah, a bit bitter.” He sneered. “But at least I don't share any property with her.”

It was a teasing remark to lighten up the mood. You grimaced and rolled your eyes. He laughed.

“The lady was too kind to ask us to go,” you said as Hoseok drove.

The moment you and Hoseok realized that the rain had stopped and the sky was already dark, you two got up and left. Hoseok insisted on paying, even playfully threatening to throw your wallet away if you ever pulled it out of your pocket.

“I’m sure she doesn't mind. She gave us free cupcakes.” He replied, pointing to the box resting on your lap.

“Are you sure you don't want to take this?” you asked because he handed you the box as soon as the lady gave it.

“Yeah, just update me with your review about it. I'm interested to hear more about your thoughts.”

You bit your lip from hearing that, “Okay.”

After a few minutes of listening (and singing along) to songs that played in his stereo, you arrived in front of your building. Of course, Hoseok opened your door for you. He helped you with the bag you brought to school so you could carry the flowers and cupcakes.

“Should I help you to your apartment?” He asked while you slid your bag into your arm, struggling.

You gave up, letting him take your bag and the cupcakes, “Okay. Come in.”

You opened the door to your building and led the way to the stairs. He assured you that he was okay as you kept on looking back at him. And when you unlocked your apartment, you turned around.

"Do you want to go inside? Water, juice, or anything to drink?” You offered before putting the things on the counter near your door.

He smiled, “It's fine, I can't stay for too long. My next shift is at nine. I just want to make sure you'll make it to your door without dropping any of those.”

You looked down at your watch, “Oh my god. It’s already past eight. You should go! I should've taken a cab.”

“YN, it's okay! It's still early.” he chuckled. “Plus, I had a really great time talking with you.”

Your stomach flutters, looking at him. You noticed the same smile you saw earlier.

“I hope this isn't the last time we'll go out.”

You nodded, “Of course. Martha did it right this time.”

“How about next weekend? Sunday?” he asked.

“Sure, I’ll be back from Seoul by then.”

His eyebrows raised, “Really? I’m going to be in Seoul for a conference on Saturday. When are you coming there?”

“The same day! I’m going to visit some friends.”

“Maybe we can go there in Seoul together? So you don't have to commute.” He offered.

“That sounds good!” You agreed before looking down at your watch again. “But I think you should go now. I know you still have to do stuff before going to work.”

“Okay. Let's just talk about it later.”

“Okay. Thank you for the flowers and everything, Hoseok,” you state before leaning in to give a quick kiss on his cheek.

He smiles, “You're welcome, YN. Tonight was great.”

“Text me when you make it to the hospital. Drive safely! Good night.” You said as he walked back.

“Good night, YN.” He waved before walking down the stairs.

You closed the door to your apartment before leaning your back on it, looking at the yellow tulips on the counter.

What a lovely night.

taglist rules

RESTARTING OVER AGAIN TAGLIST [CLOSED]

@iamkookiesforyou @aianloveseven @hoodalmighty @taebangtanbabe @nooojaaam @hiimnothing @annenakamura @taebangtanbabe @shin-ie @prlan @starlight-night0 @teddybeartaetae @http-fayeradise @tannies-luv @betysotelo18 @honsoolgloss @aurorathi @paulaaa97 @satisfied18 @telepathytae @talkyoongitome @sofilsword @rengoku1missu

PERMANENT TAGLIST

@dunixxd @cixrosie @jksjx @embrace-themagic @buttvi @starbtslove @missseoulite @vanntaesworld @kenqki @imajinthis @stopeatread @seolaquotes @greyrain23 @chimchimmarie @petalsofink @jayhope88 @moonchild1 @laylasbunbunny @nikkiordonez12 @ficluvr613 @misshale21

#bts angst #bts x reader #bts series #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #taehyung x reader #taehyung au #taehyung series #bts amnesia #taehyung amnesia #bts established relationship au #taehyung established relationship #restarting over again kth

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skellish · 4 months ago

Text

Please help a disabled (seeking disability) trans woman keep her apartment!

Hi everyone, my name is Delia, I’m a 25 year old trans woman with several disabilities, such as ADHD, possible autism, BPD, depression, anxiety, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, et cetera. I need real help in order to keep the apartment that I fought so hard to get. I am seeking disability right now, but it is going extremely slowly and I don’t know when I’ll see any help from the government. Let me explain a bit of my situation.

Medicine has never really worked for me, and I recently decided I needed to come off wellbutrin because it was making my anxiety a lot worse, as well as depleting my ability to really feel anything at all, so my doctor recommended I stop and try a new med. I can’t afford to go to the doctor very often so I stopped the medicine a month ago and am going back in September to try something different that will hopefully help.

Essentially, I live in income based apartments and lately, my disabilities have been either preventing or seriously hindering me from getting to my job. I used to work basically full time at my deli job and it became too much due to me being burnt out for like the last 5 years, so I had to cut down. I work three days a week now, and it’s already becoming too much again because of said perpetual burn out and medication withdrawal. I have either been missing work entirely or been late every single day, and they haven’t fired me yet but I fear the worst is coming soon.

Right now, my rent is $372, my water bill is already behind, power bill still needs paying, and I only have ≈$100 in my bank account right now. I am planning to yard sale both this Friday and Saturday, and next, and get some more cash before it is due, which is on the 10th of August. On the 10th, they will serve me an eviction notice to get out by the 20th unless I can get the money.

I am asking here if anyone could spare anything, any amount is immensely appreciated. I have been on my own for a few years now with little to no support, and I've always despised needing or asking for it, but the fact of the matter though is that this is my last Hail Mary to save my sinking ship, and I'm desperate.

I know most folks here are also struggling though, and I hate to make this post, but I am kind of at my wits end in regards to keeping this apartment. This has been my first somewhat stable home in pretty much my whole life and I'm terrified of being forced to move yet again. If I can just get this month’s rent paid, I will be able to find a new, more tolerable job in the meantime while I am seeking disability benefits, and then hopefully keep the ball rolling.

Any amount will help, I am honestly begging and I will appreciate anything anyone can spare, be it a donation or a share.

Update 8-12-24: so we have made some good progress here and I am thankful. Sadly some unforseen expenses had come out, so not exactly where I'd like it, but it is coming along. I've just got 8 ish days left to come up with the rest though, so. I am considering selling my Playstation, and that was unconscionable previously, so things are fairly dire.

V3nm0: @Skellish

C@sh@pp: $Skellish69

Goal: $372

Current: $110 / updated: $190, (still need $182)

#transgender #signal boost #transgirl #actually adhd #donations #pls help #fundrasier #disabled #fundraising #skelli scribbles

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goodluckclove · 7 months ago

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On Not Writing

Hi! I'm back. i had a fun two days of doing absolutely nothing writing related, including scrolling this blog. Wife and I played a lot of Valheim. Took a lot of bike rides. Watched Interstellar for the first time - pretty good, kind of silly at the end. It was my first two-day weekend in probably three months, so it was much-needed, hard as it was.

And it got me thinking of some things I wanted to say to the community here. It's especially targeted towards younger writers, of which I used to be one, but I think it can apply to anyone who finds themselves despairing over how much they aren't writing.

Let's imagine you're sitting with me in this coffee shop. It's an overcast Portland morning and I just inadvertently vivisected a croissant. And as we sip our drinks (I ordered a lavender latte), you lament to me. I don't know what to do, Clove. I just haven't been writing!

You know what I say to that?

Good.

This is a new hot take of mine that I, once again, worry about upsetting people with. Because I see a lot of guides here about how to write, or how to write consistently, or how to write through writers block. But I haven't seen a single person talking about the inverse - how to not write. Or - perhaps more accurately - how to exist as a human being separate from your identity as a writer.

This is a problem for me.

Listen - I started young. I was 12 when I wrote my first novella, and 13 when I completed my first novel the next year. Adults in my life were impressed by the big-eyed child writing so many words. They encouraged me. I wrote two more novels, and they continued to encourage me. Because of the potential, right? I could be successful. I could be famous.

People stopped pushing me to try other things. I saw I was getting validation as a writer, so that only pushed me to continue fixating over something I was already enjoying and getting pretty good at. Dad had me writing two thousand words every day, because that's what Stephen King did. At 16 I finished four full-length novels, which everyone thought was really cool and interesting. I was also sporting dual hand braces every day throughout the winter to cope with the carpal tunnel I still struggle with to this day.

There is encouraging a person in their passion. There is also poisoning them with the belief that their self-worth comes from pursuing that passion. This is entirely, absolutely, even more true for younger writers and artists.

I am enraged for the young writer in my heart and in my head. Because they worried about a lot of the same things I see people worry about on here. Oh, if I don't write I'm not a writer! And to an extent they're right, as to be a writer you need to at some point write some stuff.

But here's the fucking thing, Young Clover - a child should not strive for the work ethic of a professional adult. You did not need to write 2k words a day to be a writer. You were a writer as soon as you updated that terrible Invader Zim fanfiction you wrote when you were 10.

And more than that, though, the most important thing to a person should not be their job and aspirations. If you don't write every day, you're still a writer. If you've never written anything, you aren't - and that's fine. You might write something later down the line, or you might not. Either way you are still entitled to exist on the planet and capable of living a full and passionate and wonderful life.

Hear my words: being a writer is not more important than being a human being.

If you aren't writing right now, maybe you're not supposed to be. Maybe you're meant to be nurturing your relationships, or nurturing yourself. Maybe you're supposed to be volunteering. Or meeting new people. Or gaining a new field of knowledge. Or getting really good at making focaccia bread. Or watching every Mark Wahlberg movie.

I don't like to hear this any more than you do. If I was told that I, for some reason, was not allowed to write for the rest of my life, I would be miserable for maybe a long time. After that passed it's my hope that I would move on and do other things, because my worth is not dependent on being a writer. I like doing it. I like being it, and I hope to be one for the rest of my life. But I never want it to be the first thing people see when they look at me. I don't even like bringing it up in conversation with people I don't already know.

So yeah, if you have "writer's block", maybe consider putting down the pickaxe and getting some rest. Step away entirely from the large boulder that stands between you being the next Stephen King or Brandon Sanderson or Teen Dystopia Writer no. 2321. Take a break, and I mean an ACTUAL break, not the kind where you spend the whole time sulking about work.

I am legitimately begging the writers on here to have developed lives and interests outside of writing. I am begging because I do not have that and it has consistently been one of the hardest things of my life.

You prioritize living outside your writing and it will improve the quality of your writing when you get back to it, as it'll allow you a frame of reference that extends beyond our niche industry. Or it might make you realize that, while you enjoy writing, what you really love is ceramics. Or game developing. Or mutual-aid activism. Or the movies of Mark Wahlberg.

It is not your job to treat yourself like you already have a dozen deadlines and an audience teetering on the edge of disappointment. That's ultimately not going to help you. Your job on this earth is to exist fully, for the sake of the universe that wants so desperately to live vicariously through you.

So breathe. Breathe and calm down. You aren't a failure and there's nothing you have to prove. All you have to do today is drink some water and have a nice snack while you look at a cloud.

Please be kind. All of us need to be kinder to each other and to ourselves.

That's all I want to say. I love you dearly. Please let me know if you need anything.

#writeblr #writing community #writers on tumblr #on writing #authors of tumblr #writing #queer writers #actually writing #writing inspiration #writing inspo #writing resources #young writer #creative writing

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romanarose · 4 months ago

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About a Girl: Epilogue

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Series Masterlist : The Last of Us Masterlist : Full Masterlist

Summary: Blue sets up her future in Joel's life, step by step by step

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

TAGS HAVE BEEN SHITTY make sure you're caught up!!

TRANS LIVES MATTER! TRANS YOUTH MATTER! TRANS ELDERLY MATTER! TRANS WOMEN MATTER! TRANS MEN MATTER! NON BINARY TRANS MATTER!

9 years later.

Life was good. Really fucking good.

You had two teenagers which was… fucking insane, honestly. Sarah and Ellie were close as two almost-twins could get, and often fought like it too. Nothing nasty or mean spirited, just so clearly sister stuff like Ellie using Sarah’s deodorant or Sarah taking Ellie’s coat. They’d fight and yell and Joel would tell them to knock it off before they stormed off. An hour later Ellie would say hey, the bachelor is on, wanna watch? Or Sarah would throw hot cheettos at Ellie and they’d be back to normal.

Tommy had been mostly sober for 5 years, his longest stretch yet. It was looking up, even after a few close calls. There had been a night or two Tommy had called Joel, close to relapse, but being the good brother he was Joel was always there. After a few years at his own apartment, Tommy had suffered a pretty bad near-relapse on hard drugs. He broke his 3 years sobriety on alcohol and called Joel one night crying while he was watching The Late Late Show, Sarah and Ellie up past their bedtimes one summer.

“Tommy? What’s going on, man?” Joel stands up from the couch, already moving to get his shows as Ellie mutes Craig Furegson. Everyone is quiet as Joel listens. “I’ll be right there, man, don’t worry. Nah, it ain’t a problem at all, Tommy, Blue’s here with the girls.”

Joel stayed with a drunk Tommy all night, holding him, putting on shows, ordering pizza, playing card games, anything it took to keep Tommy from calling up his old dealer.

In the morning, Joel brought him home to sleep. It was the summer, so you were off and could watch Tommy while Joel went to work, Tommy using a sick day at the farm and Joel and Tess hustling extra hard to make up for it. It didn’t matter, because it was Tommy, and they’d do anything for him.

When he put Tommy asleep on the couch, Ellie and Sarah asked to talk to you and Blue, pulling you into Ellie’s room.

Ellie steepled her hands, looking like an evil villain in a made-for-tv-movie. “We have a proposition for you.”

“You’re not getting your nose pierced-”

“Joel.” You chastise.

“Sorry El, what is it.”

Ellie looks to Sarah, urging her on.

“We think uncle Tommy should move in with us again. We love him, and it worries us that he’s had to call you so much recently.”

You can see Joel close his eyes, the wrinkles around his face compounding. He was getting older, as were you, and you loved every single wrinkles and gray and pop of his knees. You speak before he does, knowing your husband is tired.

“I’m sorry, girls. We never wanted Tommy’s issues to effect you.”

Sarah: “We knew there were problems, even when we were young. It’s hard not to notice, you couldn’t have hid that unless he was never around, and we wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“Besides, mom.” Ellie adds. “We’re teenagers now. 13 and 14 are practically adults!”

Joel shakes his head. “Ain’t right to be worry’n about that at your age.”

“Well, you don’t need to worry about every single thing all the time, and yet you do anyway, so it’s even!”

You crack a smile, Ellie, despite no blood relation at all, had taken after you, while Sarah reminded you a lot like her godmother, Talia, mixed with some of her dad. Ellie was agreat kid, even as she entered her teens, she remained steadfast. There was a… slight issue with her getting in fights in school, but when they talked to the principal, there was always a reason you thought made sense, even if the school was displeased. Once, some girl called Sarah a slur. Another time, a boy was bullying a disabled kid. They found out Ellie was gay after the incident where she punched a kid for pushing a boys head in a toilet for being gay.

By this point, coming out wasn’t a nerve wracking thing in your family for Ellie. You and Joel had made it very clear that they had nothing to worry about, and that much was obvious by the people in the girls' lives; Bill and Frank still employed Tommy Tess and Joel and had an active part in the girls' lives even though they could stay home during harvest now. Talia and Tess were their beloved aunts. Sarah was very close to Talia, bonding over hours of doing hair. Ellie and Tess clicked right now, both tomboys, but both girls loved both aunts.

And of course there was Tommy. When Tommy came out, it began a long struggle of keeping him out of the closet. He switched from gay, bisexual, then insisting he was straight over and over again whenever he went through some identity crisis, or when he reconnected with military friends, or he heard of some hate crime. No girlfriend, no boyfriend, just a cycle of hook ups to keep him distracted.

The girls loved their uncle, Sarah in particular was attached at the hip to him, and it hurt her when he was hurting. You and Joel had tried to protect her, but she was an intuitive girl.

And then, there was you. You had wanted to wait until the girls were a little older to explain things to them, but they went to school in the same district you had taught in. a friend of Sarah’s suddenly wasn’t allowed to play at your home anymore, and soon a rumor went around school that you were born a man. Sarah came home crying one day when she was 12, and you didn’t want to lie to her. You and Joel sat Ellie and her down and explained it to them as best you could for their age. There weren't any handbooks for this sort of thing.

There was a moment, a brief moment of worry in your head. The echo of Kayla’s voice telling you Sarah wouldn’t love you when she found out. But Kayla didn’t know Sarah. She’d probably seen Sarah three time since the day you confronted her for hurting Joel, and then disappeared. The only time you heard from her after that was when she sent back the papers, signed, relinquishing her parental rights so you could adopt Sarah. She enclosed a $50 check, and although Joel had told her that she could still see Sarah as long as Sarah agreed, you haven't heard from her since.

At ages 11 for Ellie and 10 for Sarah, you held your daughters in the courthouse as they were legally adopted.

Now, you stood in the upstairs of the home you shared with your daughters and your husband as they showed you just the kind of young ladies they’d grown into.

Joel shook his head. “Thank you, girls, but we ain’t got room here. He’ll stay on the couch for a few days, but I don’t think he’d wanna stay there for more than that.”

After a bad night, Tommy stayed for a little bit. Joel said couch, but sometimes you took the couch so Tommy could sleep in the bed with Joel if he really was in a bad way. You loved Tommy like a brother, you and him getting close in the nearly year you both lived with Tess and Talia.

Sarah and Ellie looked at each other, and Sarah spoke. “We decided we’d combine our rooms. Ellie will come sleep with me, and Uncle Tommy could have his old room back.”

You immediately felt your eyes watering, realizing how good your children had become, how much like their father they’d grown into. This is Joel’s call. “Girls, no, I don’t want y’all making these sacrifices-”

“Uncle Tommy raised me. And, no offense, but he’s my favorite person.” She said with a smile. “We want to.” And Ellie agreed.

Joel was still declining, but wavering. “I- thats very nice but if he were to move it, we’d have to commit to a year, maybe two, I don’t know…”

Ellie spoke now. “We think it would be best if he stayed for a while. We’re prepared to commit to this through high school. We wanna do this dad.” Her sincerity struck you, a young woman grown up right before your eyes.

You turn to Joel. “Baby… I think it might be a good idea…” When you turn to look at your husband, he has a tear rolling down his face and his chest breathing heavily.

“Babygirls.” Joel’s voice warbled. “I love you, so much.”

When Tommy was sober and the worst of his hangove was done, you spoke to him.

2 months later he was moved into Ellie’s old room where he’s been the last year.

It’d been a year since that morning, and things were better than ever.

Tommy was sober, the girls were happy, you and Joel were happy, and everyone had driven out to Austin to celebrate Ellie’s first pride.

“Whatya think, kiddo?” Frank asked, clapping her back softly with his hand.

Ellie smiled widely, taking in everything around her. “Pretty fucking cool!”

“Language.” Her dad chastised, earning a nudge from you. He continued. “Don’t be wonder’n off girls, it ain’t safe-”

You decide to tease him, being the only none LGBT person here, other than Sarah, although at 13 there was no reason she needed to commit either way.

“Oh, so because almost everyone here is gay, it’s inherently more dangerous? Okay Joel.”

But Joel was not to be fooled when you’ve been playing this game for ten years. “Nice try baby…” He paused for a moment before adding, “You know it’s because the city makes me nervous, right? Not because-”

“I know, Joely” You pinch his butt, making Tess behind you gag, as if she hadn’t gotten a grab of a few Miller buttcheeks back before getting married. Well, legally recognized in the State of Massachutis, and not in the other 49.

“What about him?” Ellie asks loudly, pointing to a guy and nudging her uncle. “He looks like he could teach you better spanish.”

Tommy flicked her. “Don’t fuck’n point, shit head.” He ignored Joel’s tired reminder for language. Tommy is where she picked up the habit. “And just because he’s got brown skin doesn’t mean he speaks spanish.”

Ellie looked to Sarah. Sarah’s eyes said no. Ellie’s impulse control said yes. “Hey! You!” Ellie shouts to the man while everyone around her tries to stop her. Poor guy was just trying to get a hot dog.

“Hey?” He looked confused but not unkind as she walked fearlessly too him. He was a little taller than her dad, not by much, dark curls sticking to his head with sweat. It wasn’t even noon yet, but June in Austen could kill.

Joel is calling Ellie’s name, pulling on her arm but she turns to him, looking up. “Let me do this or I will start screaming stranger danger.” Joel let go, but facepalmed, staying right next to her none the less. “You speak spanish?” She asked the man, thumbing towards Tommy. “My unce here is looking to brush up.” Double Miller facepalm.

“Uhhhhh, no, but I can get by in Hindi.” He looked to Tommy with a grin. “I can impress some desi MILFs, if that’s your goal.”

Tommy swooped in slinging Ellie over his shoulder as she shouted ‘hey!’ and began backing away. “Don’t listen to her, she’s- I swear we’re not racist- I told her not to assume- listen, she knows like, no white people- I’m Mexican!” He nervous rambled, Ellie over his shoulder telling him he’s floundering.

The man just laughed. “Hey, it’s alright, man. Don’t worry about it.”

Tommy mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ and turned around. Now facing the stranger, Ellie frantically motioned toward Tommy to him, pointing and drawing hearts in the air.

After running into him and embarrassing Tommy a few more times, Ellie and Sarah got his business card. Jake and Tommy have talked every day since.

That night, the girls sound asleep in their room, Tommy on the phone with Jake, you keep your hand wrapped tight around your husband's cock. You were tired, not wanting to get up to any antics but you definitely wanted to make your husband cum. He deserved an orgasm for dealing with crowds of strange people in a big city, constantly alert for his daughters, Tommy, Tess, Talia, you, and even Frank. Him and Bill were the same in that aspect, always keeping an eye on theirs, protecting the good people in this world. You suspected Bill was getting the same treatment on the farm right now. Well, almost. Bill didn’t strike you as the type to put up with edging.

“There you go baby, there you go… so close, so close… ah! Not yet!” You squeeze at the base of Joel’s cock, staving off his orgasm a third time. Oh, you were a tease.

“Blue, come ooooon!” He whines, fingers gripping the sheets so hard one corner was already pulled off the bed. “This ain’t fair.”

You begin to stroke him again, his hard and thick cock not allowing for you fingers to close around it, thick and juicy and oh-so mouth watering.

“Ooooh poor baby boy. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll stop.” You lied

“You always- ooohhh shit” Joel moans out for you, you love seeing your big tough man reduced to a whimpering puddle just from a little bit of edging. “You always say that, Blue”

Still, you laugh, your hand moving up and down on his cock as Joel begin to buck his hips into your fist. Silly boy, he thinks if he can reach his high faster, you’ll let him have it. “I know, I’m a meany meany.” You pinch his orgasm off again, giggling when he whispers a harsh-

“Fuck!”

“Aht, aht, aht!” You continue to tease, spitting on his already over stimulated cock before playing with him more. “Language!” You reference his police of Ellie and Tommy.

Joel flops his head on the pillow. Your little pillow princess. “Oh I see. Y-your-” His words are cut off hummed whimper, his cute little feet wiggling. “You're punishing me for being annoying today?” He chuckles a little, knowing it’s all in fun.

You kiss his forehead. “Not one bit, baby. You’re my perfect man, and I want you to come. Go ahead Joel, come for me.” You pump him as the love of your life groans, covering your hand and his stomach in cum.

Once cleaned and in PJ’s, ready to sleep the fuck in on sunday, you assume your position behind him, wrapping your arms around his wide middle, getting a little wider every year, and kiss his scruffy neck. “Thank you for all you do for our family, baby.”

“Ain’t no thing.”

“But it is.” You coax him to look at you, his eyes wide and brown and beautiful. “I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if I had parents as supportive as you, loved me so unconditionally.” Things with your parents were pretty good now, they were. As well as you supposed it could get. They loved Sarah and Ellie and visited a few times a year, as you did them. Reconciling was more about giving grandparents to those girls they wouldn’t have otherwise. The day you met Joel, he said he hates his birthday, and that never changed. Years later, he’ll have a cake and accepts gifts, but it’s mostly for his girls. You found out his dad died on his birthday, leaving him without any parents. “Things would be so different. I wouldn’t have gone through addiction, I could have started hormones earlier and maybe I’d look-”

“Blue.” Joel turned over to cup your face. “There ain’t nothing wrong with the way you look. You’re my beautiful wife, and thats that.”

You smile at him. “Thank you, baby. But I mean it. I love that we can provide a different environment for Ellie to come out in.”

“I am too, mi amor.” He smiles back, and you lay your head on his chest.

You wore his old flannel that night. It felt like home.

Wow, its been a ride!!

I know this series was small but im so thankful for everyone who read it and supported me!!!!

I hope somewhere out there, a transwoman reads this and feels seen <3 you are valued, you are important, you are loved

I love blue and I love the little word here, the found family Joel has gained over the years!!!! Now Jake enters the picture!

If you have any questions about this world, loose ends you didnt think i tied up or you have any additional q's of any kind, comment, reblog, or send an ask! Im happy to answer!

I love you all so much!

Please consider making a small donation to The Trevor Project <3

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amalgamateofficial · 2 months ago

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A Quick(?) Update

Hey, everyone. I never know what to say, and then because of that, day after day passes in silence. I guess I just want to say that yes, I’m still working on chapter 21 of Amalgamate, and also that I’m sorry for the absolutely ridiculous amount of time that’s passed between chapters. I know I’ve been “absent” a lot online, too. Rarely commenting on fics, taking days to respond to DMs, hardly livestreaming…

I’m sure it’s a no-brainer that the kind of person who writes a story like Amalgamate isn’t exactly a “well” person. Those who follow me on social media for my cosplay and art content see such a small, curated snapshot of reality. The smile doesn’t exist until I hit record, and it ends when the video stops. So every day, my followers see videos of me at my “best,” but I film as much as possible on a single day because the next “good” day could be weeks away. Sometimes I worry that the next good day isn’t going to come at all.

The most frustrating thing about it is that I’m well aware of the cycle. Every year, starting in August, the darkness starts to creep in. By September, it takes hold. By the end of October, it’s inescapable. November passes, then December. Last year, December almost ended in the worst way possible, but as cheesy as it sounds, Amalgamate convinced me to turn it around. I thought, “What kind of example am I setting here? How can I let people down like this?”

So this year, I tried to prepare for the inevitable… and failed. I thought if I could post chapter 21 before the end of August, I could just curl up alone and wait for 2024 to be over. But then everything went to hell and I missed my goal, and when the darkness started to creep in at the edges, I tried to make another goal, and then another, but every single time, I was dragged right back down.

Then a mini cycle started to form within the larger cycle. Every day that goes by in which I don’t post chapter 21, I think the chapter needs to be even better to make up for how long I’ve kept everyone waiting. Then the pressure overwhelms me, and the terrible thoughts creep in, and then the guilt sets in, and then I’m curled up in the corner again with nothing accomplished. DMs are left to fester. Fics I want to read collect dust. I drift away, and I let everyone else drift away, and I sit and stare and wish things could be different.

I suppose it’s not all doom and gloom though. I tried really hard to work on myself this past month, and I was actually successful in a few ways. I tried to clean myself up, and in some ways, I did a lot better than expected. I’m hoping that means I can turn things around again. I want to finish chapter 21, catch up on all the fics I want to read, start drawing regularly, and be an active participant online instead of just tossing out content in a desperate attempt to keep up appearances.

But it’s such an uphill battle. I feel worse now than I did last year, so I’m trying really hard to cling to that self-awareness and prevent things from going the way they did in 2023. But I know that’s not realistic. Everything in life is worse than before, and I see no evidence that it will improve anytime soon. So that means it’s on me to simply power through it and do the best I can.

So, for the sake of my own sanity, chapter 21 will get finished as soon as possible. I don’t know how much longer I can survive with this awful feeling, and that feeling will go away once the next chapter’s posted. In the meantime, I’ll try not to miss the mark with all my other goals. No matter what, I’m going to finish my Halloween cosplay special for 2024. Last year, I had some funds to help me. This year I don’t because I dropped out of most of my conventions, made a lot less art, and overall just kinda gave up on everything.

But it’s not too late. I’ll dive into as many dumpsters as I have to in order to make a Halloween cosplay that will hopefully be as good as Mangle. This year, I’m gonna be cosplaying Spamton NEO – which is probably cheating since I’m already a failed content creator past their prime who has no choice but to wear clown makeup and wave their arms at anyone who happens to scroll by.

I never know what to say, so I guess all I can really say is that I’m trying my absolute best. I know my best is often really disappointing, but it really is the best I can manage sometimes. Even when I’m distant, just know that it doesn’t mean I love you all less, or appreciate you all less, or feel any less gratitude. It just means I’m in the dark, and I’m trying to crawl my way back. Which is very tiring. And overwhelming. But I never stop trying. In part because you all mean so much to me. Last year would’ve ended differently if that wasn’t the case.

Anyway, I don’t know what else to say other than thank you all for your continued support. I’ll try to make it all up to you and then some. Maybe this year I can end things on a high note for once. I’ll certainly give it my best shot.

Uuuh… I guess if you do want to see me at my best, though, you can always follow me on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. That’s the best version of me in between Amalgamate chapters, and I recently shared a ton of Danganronpa cosplay videos because of Dragon Con. I have a Patreon now too, and even though it’s a ghost town, I’m still posting as much content there as possible. I’ll keep dancing until the stage lights are forcibly shut down. I think that's the best way to guarantee that I can turn this ship around.

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heyidkyay · 9 months ago

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And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part Eighteen

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way?

Authors Note: Hey!! Finally here with another part! This one took a while to write but it's here now. Hoping you enjoy it:)

> Last update: look back here if you'd like!

Masterlist

He’d been pacing on the phone for quite a while now.

Back and forth up the long and narrow pavement sat outside of the small cafe we’d chosen just off the highstreet. His feet skimmed the curb every few steps, I noted, his brow furrowed and lips pursed too whenever he rattled something back to whoever it was on the other end.

“Eggy, mama?”

I blinked at the sudden voice, tearing my eyes away from the window and Matty, and back over to where my food-happy toddler sat in the adjoining highchair.

With a fond smile, I shook my head at his proffered bit of hard boiled egg.

See, Matty had fancied a couple of soldiers when we’d first walked in, forgetting all about his earlier promises of bacon, and Teddy had unsurprisingly followed his lead. Looking down at his plate now, I was pleasantly pleased to find that he’d eaten the majority of it.

“I’m okay, Teds. Thank you though.” I told him, wiping a few breadcrumbs from his cheek with a napkin before tickling the underneath of his chin, “You’re such a sweet boy, you know?”

He bared his teeth at me in a giant grin, “Very much, ta.”

Chuckling lightly at his silly reply, I shook my head once more, “Back at it with the ta, are we?”

Teddy replied with only a stern nod and a wrinkle of his mouth, then dug back into his breakfast again, content to just watch Matty and the few cars that passed by the window.

It was a strange concept for me to wrap my head around- the whole Teddy and Matty thing, I mean.

Teddy had always been an affectionate kid, a bit shy with newcomers and strangers at times, but his heart was huge and he had a lot of love to go around. Still, with that being said, the dynamic he’d struck up with the curly headed singer was unlike anything I’d ever witnessed from him before.

With Adi, Teddy was always perfectly content to find new extremes and test them. Pushing boundaries and buttons simply because Ads was the biggest pushover known to man- at least when it came to him.

Each moment Adi spent with Teddy she always ended up looking spent by the time she was about to head home, almost like he’d gone and dragged her through a circus tent full of performers and animals alike.

Then there was Finn. Finn had been a constant presence in Teddy’s life since the day he was born, he was my best friend and was always there to lend a helping hand whenever I needed it. The two of them were close in their own way, Teds felt comfortable with Finn, he didn’t question his authority or throw a fit when the man put his foot down, but whenever I was around the pair of them together Teddy made it quite clear that Finn was the third wheel amongst the lot of us.

Which was funny in its own way, I supposed, because I knew how Teddy looked at me. I was his mum, sure, but I was also his dad, too. Merely in the sense that Teds had never looked to anyone else to fill that role for him, I was what he had been given and I was all that he needed.

Yes, there had been the odd question or two when Teddy had finally started to understand films and tv shows, and again when he had started nursery school and seen all of the other kids with their mums and dads. But he had taken my honest answers on the chin and shrugged off any other prompts I’d had for him afterwards, as though he was perfectly untroubled by it all and the fact that he only had a single parent.

Then again, a few of the kids in his class faced similar problems.

Oliviette had only ever really known her dad, since her mum had sadly passed when she’d been too little to remember. Tury’s father worked in the military, or something of the sort, and was divorced from their other father. He went away for long stretches at a time and had only ever come to pick them up once in all the time that we’d been in attendance.

Zara was another young mum like me, we’d bonded over that fact a couple weeks into the school year when a few of the other parents had wondered over the whereabouts of our partners and then turned up their noses at us when they’d received their answer.

Which led me straight back on over to my anxieties about Teddy, and how he might come to soon view Matty. As well as the question on whether Matty could even handle being seen in that sort of light, or if he’d run swiftly for the hills with his tail tucked between his legs.

These worries had started up quite quickly after seeing those articles we’d faced earlier in the week, which had only added fuel to the fire for me. Some of the headlines still haunted me and my waking thoughts, in truth. They flashed through my mind on a giant billboard sort of screen, visible for all to see.

JUNKIE ROCKSTAR TURNED FAMILY MAN!

A NEW LINE DRAWN FOR HEALY?

THE 1975 SINGER AND HIS HIDDEN FAMILY..

It was both a startling and terrifying experience to suddenly start considering the opinions and views of the entire world around you, which now appeared to be watching us under a microscope, reading into each and every move not just Matty and I made, but Teddy now too.

It was ultimately why I had run and hidden when it had all come out, choosing to avoid the whole situation at hand rather than face it head on and be met with a plethora of questions I hadn’t yet thought about.

But then Matty just had to have gone and sent me that fucking demo.

I’d been all but putty in his hands after that really.

And the very thought of not just the previous night, but this morning too, had me flushing in the middle of the cafe Matty had taken us out to. ‘My treat,’ He’d said, and it had all felt so natural. Him being in my bed, in my shower, in my house, around my kid.

I heaved a heavy sigh before picking up my mug of tea, wrinkling my nose in distaste when I found it had gone cold. It made me wonder just how long I had been lost in thought.

That question was answered for me though when Matty came strolling back over, the crease in his brow there and then gone when he took to his seat once more and caught eyes with Teddy. He flashed the boy a bright smile, “Enjoyin’ that, monster?”

Grimly, Teddy opened his mouth up wide to show Matty just how much he had enjoyed his breakfast and laughed when Matty mimicked the expression, the man leaning in close enough that Teddy could only laugh giddily.

“Made a big enough mess of it.” I commented with a soft smile.

Even with all my fretting I still couldn’t get over the way Matty treated my son and how Teddy responded to him in turn. It was incredibly surreal.

When I’d first gotten pregnant and decided to go it alone all those years ago, I thought that had been it for me. That there was no way any person, let alone anyone in Matty’s position, would just come along and be able to deal with the fact that I had a child. This whole other being that would always fall above everything else.

But here that somebody was.

Sat with my toddler, looking at him almost the exact same way I did. With such adoration and emotion.

The sight made my heart both lurch and crumble all at once.

I pulled myself out of my head once more with that thought and tuned back in to find our waitress making her way over again. She was a sturdy looking woman, not much older than my mum if I had to guess, and had taken more than liking to the messy toddler she’d been shafted with early this morning, “Anything else I can get for you, lovelies?”

I opened my mouth to tell her that we were fine, seeing as though Teddy was all but finished, just chewing on a few pieces of buttered bread, and my sandwich was merely straggling bits of crust now.

“Would be great if you could get us another round of drinks to go?” Matty piped up before I could answer her, circling a finger between the two of us. “Cheers.”

The waitress dipped her head at him and flashed a warm smile my way, “One tea and a strong flat white coming your way then.”

I was surprised that she’d recalled our order so easily, since I’d noted earlier that there were a few other patrons she’d been serving, and so I thanked her gratefully with another smile before she walked away, arms laden with a few of our used plates.

“You didn’t have to,” I said to Matty shortly after, then dipped my chin down towards my remaining cup, “But thank you anyway, this had gone cold.”

Matty rolled his eyes, a gesture he was rather prone to using whenever he thought I was being unnecessary, but then shuffled over to settle more comfortably in the seat opposite me, leaving his phone to rest on the table between us.

“Sorry I was long, but after management, Jamie rang.” He confessed to me, and that scowl of his appeared for a split second or two before disappearing completely when he glanced back over at Teds, who was now playing with his food rather than eating it.

It was almost automatic the way Matty moved to steal the backpack hanging off the arm of the chair perched beside him, pulling out a few of the baby wipes I usually kept there before beginning to clean up Teddy’s face and hands.

I could only stare on in utter bewilderment, watching it all play out even whilst Matty continued to speak to me, clearly none the wiser to the way my brain had just short circuited at his actions.

“Anyway, they’re on it- or so they’ve said. But I know this whole thing is just a charade to them, yeah? Management, I mean. Not J. ‘Cause he’s already said that he’s trying to keep them from going too extreme with the whole clean up, claiming that they appeared to be warming up to the idea of me becomin’ this ‘changed man’ or some shite.” Matty scoffed with a roll of his eyes at the very thought, then pulled a face for Teddy who admonished him for his use of a ‘bad word’, and cleared away some of the mess that had been created whilst he’d been gone.

I swallowed thickly at the sight, thankful for the moment of reverie I was gifted when our waitress shuffled back on over, two to-go cups in hand as well as the bill.

“Ah, are we all clean then?” She cooed down at Teddy, moving to grab the last of what remained at our table to take back to the kitchen with her.

Her expression brightened when Teddy not only shot her a mischievous grin, but also wiggled his fingers up to show her just how clean they were. Matty snorted.

The woman peered between the two of us afterwards, plates tucked into the crook of her elbow whilst both of our previous mugs sat cradled in the other. “You’re a lucky pair, he’s absolutely golden.”

My pulse spiked at her words, or rather what she’d interpreted our little excursion as, but before I could think to offer an explanation, or anything rather, she was already shuffling away again. Teddy batting a hand at her back in goodbye.

My gaze slowly drifted away from her retreating form and over to where Matty was now slouched, but he didn’t seem to have noticed her words, or perhaps he just didn’t care. Still, I blinked slowly at him, “Did you hear that? Did you hear what she just said?”

He pulled his eyes away from a now babbling Teddy and shrugged slowly, “Yeah?”

Yeah??

Sorry, come again?

Had I actually heard him right?

I almost choked on the force of my next inhale. “That’s it? Just- yeah?”

Matty stared back at me, expression almost blank- calculating, in truth. As though he was trying to determine which of his next words had the ability to set me off even further. I sort of hated that.

“What do you want me to say?” He asked me slowly, elbows moving up onto the table’s top and pressing against it to lean in closer to me.

His eyes never left my own, and it was then that I noticed the sturdy wall behind them that I thought had crumbled between us so long ago. He was wary now, building it back up again in hopes that I wouldn’t wound him- anymore than you already had, my mind unhelpfully supplied.

I licked at my lower lip, mostly in thought but also because my throat had suddenly gone dry at the very reminder.

It had been necessary, I told myself. Space and time, that was all that we had needed, and look at us now!

Look at us…

“I just,” I murmured, swallowing thickly whilst still staring into those hardened eyes which remained locked on mine, “It doesn’t bother you at all?”

That steely look softened when he snorted and the bricks in that wall of his began to chisel away at themselves once more.

Matty slumped and I watched on as his gaze flickered back over to my son, who was now much more interested in the straps of his highchair rather than either of us.

“Why would it?”

Matty’s words were as gentle as his tone and his smile was just as sweet, and all I could think about in that moment was the abating panic I felt and the sudden need I had for him.

Shouldn’t it? I wanted to press, it would bother a hundred other men. What makes you so different?

He glanced back at me then with a languid turn of his head, “Guess it just makes me feel worth something, even if it’s a mistake on her part.”

Matty must’ve seen the way my face fell so quickly at his words because he chuckled lowly and then gifted me a small but pivotal smile. He reached out to toy with the hand I’d been resting on the table, fingertips trailing over whitened knuckles.

“I’m just being honest, alright? He’s a good kid, anyone can see that. I mean she did, din’t she? And then, there’s you, Squeaks.” He dragged that last bit out, flipping my hand over so that he could trace the lines of my palm with the tips of his fingers. “You’re something else.”

I frowned slightly at his words, a little puzzled. Matty only laughed at the face I must’ve made before he finally took my hand wholly in his, thumb brushing over my ever rising pulse.

“If she reckons I could land someone like you long enough to have one of these little ones running round, well… Just makes me picture it, 'is all.”

I could feel the contents of my stomach whirl at his given answer and tightened my hold on Matty’s hand by a fraction, needing the certainty that he was in fact real. That what he had said was very much real too.

“Squeaks?” Matty pressed after a short while. I figured I must've been quiet too long for him to prompt an actual reaction from me. Either that, or he’d gotten bored of my gaping gob far too quickly.

I attempted to swallow around the hardened lump in my throat, but it was difficult. “Yeah, just-” I struggled to fathom the mere idea that he had thought about me in any scenario at all beyond the past six months we had shared. “You’ve actually thought about that?”

Matty rolled his eyes at me, and although his smile was warm, it held a fragment of uncertainty to it that told me all I needed to know.

“I’m getting old, darlin’. Normal to think about that kind of shit, ain’t it?”

That was a very Matty thing to say and my rapid pulse slowed a tad because of it, giving my poor pounding heart a break.

“Yeah, but with me, Matty.” I felt the need to stress, because it was only yesterday that everything had come to a head between us. It made me question how long he’d been holding off on me- had he been waiting, is that what this was? Had he been trying to get over whatever he felt for me? If so, what had changed his mind, or forced his hand?

He simply chuckled and shrugged, like it was no big deal.

“Yeah with you, Mouse.” Matty confirmed, squeezing my hand once more before letting go completely and swiftly getting up out of his seat to unclip Teddy from his highchair. “Wanna go pay with me then, little man?” He asked Teds and it was only when Teddy had been swept up into Matty’s awaiting arms and Matty had looked over at me to tell me he was going up to the till that I realised he had used my kid to escape the current conversation at hand.

I shook my head in disbelief and tried to steel myself into something a little more put together once he had left, instead of choosing the imminent breakdown my mind was rooting for. I couldn’t lose my shit with all these people around to bear witness. Because I could do that later, couldn’t I? In the comfort of my own home. Right now I just needed to…

Fuck, I could not actually believe that Matty had pictured a future with me. A. fucking. future.

One that was ours.

The same stupid man that had told me time and time again that he would get headaches simply from thinking of the next few days to come, that he hadn't seen much of a life for himself the older he’d gotten. Even with all the money and the fame.

My stomach was swarming again, just like it had done when I’d heard the demo for the first time.

I wondered, briefly, whether those butterflies of mine were instead moths merely looking for any source of warmth they could find, and if Matty could really be exactly that. My little bit of warmth.

“You coming then, Squeaks?”

I glanced up again to find Matty now grinning down at me, Teddy still bouncing happily on his hip and the spiderman backpack thrown halfheartedly over his right shoulder.

I gaped for a split second at the picture they painted and then nodded, smiling up at this maddening man with all the warmth I could possibly muster. Hoping that somehow, someday, that little dream of his came true.

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

–

It had probably been one of the most content mornings Matty had had in a long time.

He knew that for a fact, but still felt stunted by it all the same.

It had been years since he’d woken up without the immediate dread, or the itching need for a fix that even now sometimes still jilted him awake. And the night previous? Well, he’d gone to bed thinking of tomorrow, hadn't he?

Stupidly, he wondered what his mum might make of that. If she’d be surprised, wary even. Or maybe just happy for him.

He’d been gifted some precious time and some precious people and he did not want to waste a single second of it. Although that could have hardly been avoided, what with the way management were constantly up his arse, hounding him incessantly about everything under the fucking sun.

The three of them had set off for food not long after he’d had a lapful of sleepy mouse first thing, they’d danced around one another whilst getting dressed, Matty watching as she brushed her hair and then catching her eye when he had attempted to wrangle an overenthusiastic toddler into his coat and boots.

Matty had walked hand in hand with Teddy all the way to his car, letting the kid jump his way down the few short steps from the house and up into the car seat he’d borrowed from Adam a week or so after Christmas. Mouse had snorted at his shitty parking job, then granted them a full blown crackle when she’d torn a parking ticket from his front window screen only to have found a real unfortunate note from an unhappy neighbour beneath it.

Apparently Matty had to work on his spontaneity if he didn’t want to end up falling out with the bloke who lived two doors down from her. Even as he winced, he reckoned the guy was still a fucking nobhead.

He’d driven down a couple of backroads, letting the radio play and rolling his eyes fondly whenever Squeaks deigned it necessary to comment on his driving- “It needs work, Matty. I mean, you almost took out three of those bollards!” “Ah, a bus! Bus, Matty! Bus!” “Are you actually aiming to kill us, or do you just reckon you're the next 007?”

Matty had managed to get them all there in one piece, like he knew he would, and led the two of them all the way to this odd-spot cafe he’d found a couple months prior.

It was a simple dive, tucked quietly away amongst the noise of London, and was almost always chock-full of white haired pensioners or folk who didn’t much care to note who he was.

They’d sat down, Matty taking his first chance to ask for one of them highchairs he typically saw little kids sat in at restaurants, and then they’d ordered; Mouse getting what she deemed was her morning usual, whilst Teddy had mimicked his own request.

It had been cute, Matty had to admit. Especially when Squeaks had shot her son a dubious look, stating that he hadn’t tried it before, what with her being too scared she’d plague him with salmonella or something of the sort from how shoddy her attention was with the passing of time. Matty promised to teach her.

The little tyke seemed to have enjoyed it though, all but ravishing the yolks from their casing and munching on the sliced bread til it had either disappeared or simply gone soggy.

The only interruption they had faced was the unexpected call from his management team, and then Jamie’s which had followed not a minute after.

It had been a right nightmare.

In fact, the whole of last week had been a total disaster. His team had been on his case the minute those articles had all been released, Twitter threads spiralling out of control and fans losing their minds over whether or not it was all fake or not.

And Matty, Matty had tried and failed not to let it get the best of him, but with that and the loss of Squeaks and Teddy, who had retreated almost entirely from his life. It had left him with a wound big enough for him to question everything.

Matty shook his head then, a shit attempt at ridding himself free from his neverending train of thought, and looked up with a soft smile when Mouse wandered back into the living room and handed him a brew.

He’d never been overly gone on tea, to be honest- coffee worked wonders and with hours like his, it was now a necessity. But hers? He could never say no to, which was rapidly becoming a habit now. So much so, in fact, that he’d noticed himself wanting one at the oddest times of the day; down at the studio, in a meeting, the middle of the night…

Yeah that last one had been fucking strange. Half three in the morning and he’d been up puttering around his kitchen unable to sleep once the idea had taken root in his head and settled. Hadn’t been half as good as this though, Matty sighed thoughtfully as he sipped away.

“So…”

His eyes immediately flickered back up to meet her, sitting all pretty on the end of the couch, an arms width away. “So.” Matty mimicked, raising his eyebrows then smirking at the way she shuffled in her seat and tried to hide her growing smile.

“We should talk.”

That smirk of his slipped right off.

He coughed slightly to clear his throat, but mostly to buy himself some more time, and then decided to get it on over with, pushing his brew onto the coffee table so that he could better face her. “Right, okay.”

She was chewing on her lip, a habit she seemed to have had ever since he’d first known her, but one which continued to drive him half mad. Even more so now that he knew what it fucking felt like to have her under him.

His tongue swiped his bottom lip instinctively at the reminder of it.

“You said it too,” Mouse reminded him, sounding almost accusatory.

He had, but even so, it was still fucking awkward to just talk about shit. Couldn’t they skip to the good bit? Where he slowly took her apart piece by piece on the sofa she’d have to pass by day in and day out. A constant reminder of him even when he wasn't there.

“Matty.”

Matty blinked out of his daze at the call of his name and his eyes shot upwards to find her looking back at him with a furrowed brow.

“We don’t have to talk right this second, but I’d prefer if we did.” She told him with a slight shrug, eyes flickering away from him and across the room almost nervously. “‘Cause, at least I’d know where we stand, you know?”

Pursing his lips slightly, Matty tilted his head at her, “What’s that meant to mean?”

She shrugged again, sheepish almost, which wasn’t much like her. “Just, you’ve grown on me, Matty. I wouldn’t want to fuck up our.. friendship over something like this.”

Matty knew what she was getting at there and it did hurt a little bit to think that she reckoned he’d fuck up what they’d built, what she’d given him, for a quick shag or whatever it was she’d filled her head with.

But still, he gave her an impish grin once he’d shuffled his way a little closer, throwing an arm over the back of the settee. “Awh you finally admitting that we’re friends, Squeaks?” He teased and laughed when her foot flew out to toe his side.

“Bit more than that since yesterday.” Mouse murmured, giving him a snide smile before she released a heavy breath and settled her own mug down alongside his own on the tabletop. “But yes, we’re fucking friends, Matthew.”

Matty’s nose wrinkled but he didn’t comment on the use of his full name, instead stretching his fingers out to toy with the leg she had pressed against the back of the sofa. He lifted his eyes to watch her, saw how her own gaze rested on his hand and her knee.

“Good. Only took you, what? Six months.” He ragged but the smile he wore was pleased, dopey even. Stupid enough that he knew if one of his mates turned up and caught sight of it they’d probably rinse him to bits, claim he looked a right tit. But Matty couldn’t bring himself to care. Not then.

She rolled her eyes, but he noted how she was smiling now too.

“I’ve always thought you were fit, you know?”

A laugh escaped her then, brash and unforgiving. Matty would’ve been wounded had he not known her as well as he did. So instead he simply chose to flick her knee in harmless rebuke. “Don’t be a twat. You said you wanted to talk and I am. You’re fucking fit, Squeaks. Don’t let nobody tell you otherwise.”

She merely shook her head at him, the smallest smile limning that pretty mouth of hers.

“I’m being serious.” Matty tapped her knee twice with his fingertip, wanting her attention, “I wouldn’t lie to you, you know that.”

He recalled one of their earlier conversations and hoped that she somehow remembered, ‘I was raised by liars, can't stand lies.’

She licked at the corner of her mouth, eyes trained on him as though she was searching for something in his expression, but ultimately nodded when she didn’t appear to find it.

“Anyway,” Matty smirked, leaning his head against his shoulder and continuing to hold her eyes, “Yeah, so I walked in expecting the usual. Some yappy older bird, who reckoned she was above me and all my fucking shit. Or maybe even someone who’d break and fall back on what they’d said once they were stood facing me. But nah, just you.”

“Just me.” She chuckled in that easy lilt of hers that he’d always found so soothing. In truth, he could actually recall asking her question after question in those first few weeks after they’d met just wanting to hear her talk.

Matty dragged out a hum, “You don’t even know. As soon as you walked out I was on you like a hawk, I swear. Just watching as you walked over, could hardly take my eyes off your legs.”

She snorted, “My legs?”

With a grin, Matty caught her ankle with his free hand and dragged her leg into his lap. “Fucking killer.” He told her honestly, letting himself have this moment to trail his fingertips up and over her thigh. “Then you looked at me with those eyes,” Matty’s own shot up to find them once more and shook his head slightly, “Made me dizzy having your full focus. Never seen a pair so intense, like they’d been struck by lighting or something.”

She rolled those pretty eyes of hers then and Matty pinched her leg, “I’m being serious, Squeaks. One of my favourite things about you.”

Thankfully she glanced back over at him then, her cheeks a tad bit pink but her smile bright. “I like yours too, you sap.” Matty's expression must’ve given way to how he felt about that because she was all too quick to add, “Don’t get cocky about it.”

He chuckled, liking the fact she knew him too well, and finally let his hand rest on her upper leg, though his thumb continued to rub gentle circles into the curve just above her knee. “I obviously felt something, Squeaks. Why the fuck else would I show up outside your studio only days later?”

“‘Cause you’re a stalker?” She teased but had relaxed further into the settee, stretching her other leg out to join the one he held.

Matty ran his fingers up the underside of her foot in retaliation to that comment, “Brave.”

She snickered, “Thought you were just ‘in the area’?”

Matty bit back a grin at her use of his earlier words, remembering how he’d been brimming with nerves whilst waiting outside for someone to show.

“I was,” He sniffed, and was pleased when she simply laughed. “But the truth? I couldn’t stop fucking thinking about you.”

Her cheeks hollowed themselves out as she tried to dampen the growing grin that threatened to overwhelm her face. It broke his heart a bit to know she struggled believing him, that no one else had ever gone far enough to drill the fact that she was fucking beautiful into that thick head of hers, but Matty was nothing if not stubborn and he’d strive to always tell her just how gorgeous he thought she was.

“What was it with that girl then?” She mentioned and Matty immediately frowned, confused as to what she was even going on about. “Your ex.”

Matty felt himself blink, mind reeling as he tried to remember what the hell she was referencing, but then it hit him. “Oh, ohh!” Then he chuckled, unable to help it really, and couldn’t seem to prevent the way it then dissolved into a slightly uncontrollable fit of laughter.

She levelled him with a hearty scowl and went to remove her legs from his lap, obviously none too pleased about being laughed at, but Matty stopped her just before she could.

“No, no, Squeaks. Babe, you’ve got it all wrong.” He attempted to console even with his still amused smile, leaning in closer now, his hands settled on her calves. “That was just for the press! Management team reckoned it would be good to rebuild my image, and I wasn't long out of rehab. She and I always looked good together but fought like fucking cat and-”

He stopped short and she snorted, “Mouse?”

Matty squinted his eyes mockingly, “Yes, dickhead. But no, it was all fake. Was only with her fifteen minutes before she swanned off to a photoshoot or something. Harldy even fucking remember it.” He paused then, “Hang on, is that- Is that why you went all quiet on me back then? That time before I ran into you at that bar?”

The way she evaded his gaze told him all he needed to know and then he was laughing again.

“Shut up, you absolute prick.” She huffed after a minute or so, having grown fed up with being his main source of amusement, and swatted him with her foot in hopes it would get him to follow the order.

God, he’d never seen her look so embarrassed.

“It’s not funny. You never mentioned it either, so what was I supposed to think!”

“Uh, not that?” He suggested, still chuckling away but actively trying to get it under control, sort of. “I’m sorry!” He laughed again when she kicked him, “Honest! But the thought didn’t even cross my mind. And we were hardly even mates then!”

She looked chastised, “We were mates!”

He levelled her with a look.

She held out for a bit before she finally huffed, “Fine, it was rocky but even so.”

Matty snorted, “No, you know what? I sort of like this side of you.” He teased, wrapping his hands around both her ankles and tugging. “Suits you.”

She sent him a well deserving glare, which was fair, before she dug her heel into his upper thigh, far too close to his dick for his liking, and sat herself back up again. “You’re such a twat.”

“So I've been told.” He sang, though he then rubbed at his tender leg with a wry grimace, “Shit, remind me not to actually piss you off.”

Squeaks shot him a grin and relaxed back into their earlier position.

Her phone went off then and Matty watched on as she manoeuvred herself awkwardly around on the sofa to grab it from her back pocket without getting up. He raised a brow at her triumphant grin but she just looked down at the notification she’d gotten.

“Everything alright?”

She hummed, typing something off before looking back up at him and tucking the phone away again. “Just Finn, says he’s back home tomorrow and wants to see us.”

Right… the infamous Finn Matty had yet to actually meet.

“Where’s he been?” He asked, toying with the cuff of her jean leg.

“New York!” And the smile that she’d answered with told Matty a thousand things, “He had an auction up there or something, then ended up staying a few extra days to meet with this elusive client.”

“Shady.” He commented with a humoured smile, one he hoped would conceal his insecurities around the whole situation.

He’d heard a lot about Mouse’s best mate, and these worries weren’t just down to the fact that he’d yet to meet the bloke, but also because Finn seemed to be such a big figure in not just hers, but Teddy’s lives. He’d been away a lot in recent months and Matty wondered over whether his presence would throw a spanner into the works once he was finally let back into the fold.

“Very much so,” Mouse laughed, none the wiser to the chaos consuming his mind, “But I’m excited to see him, it’ll be good.”

Matty merely hummed.

She must’ve sensed some apprehension in it because she turned to tilt her head at him, playing with her fingers now. “Would-” She paused and Matty looked up to wait her out, she inhaled after a moment and then let the breath go, “Would you want to meet him? Or is that, I dunno, too fast?”

His forehead pinched and he shook his head. “No, not too fast.” He deemed, though he could’ve just lied and put off meeting the bloke for as long as he possibly could.

“I mean, we don’t have to put it in writing or anything.” Squeaks was quick to reply, “He’ll be around for a few weeks now, so we can just, I don’t know, work something out soon. Like meet at a cafe, a bar, the studio… here?”

She seemed to be spiralling a bit and although it was cute, Matty felt the need to save her, “Love, it’s fine. Whatever makes you comfortable. You’ve met the guys, and they love you, so-” He put his brave face on, “So I’m sure Finn will love me too. Yeah?”

He was met with a rapid nod, one that should’ve quelled his fears but only seemed to heighten them instead.

“So we’re doing this then?”

Matty blinked and lifted his chin to find her watching him again, that soft smile of hers back in its rightful place, looking pleased with how it had all turned out.

“What, meeting your mate?” He questioned her, having figured that much had been obvious, but then she was rolling her eyes at him again.

“No, I meant- me and you.”

Oh.

Oh, he was grinning properly now. Like a massive twat, yeah, but how could he not? When she sat there looking all lovely and asking him if they could be something.

“Me and you sounds good.” Matty murmured around the strength of his smile, fingertips diving beneath the hem of her jeans to tap the jut of her ankle bone.

He would've been embarrassed about it but he reckoned his grin was mimicked on her face and was all the more glad for it. Because he’d seen her smile and he’d seen laugh, but this grin. It was something else.

It wasn’t a difficult decision, his next move. Because before Matty could even contemplate it, he was all but throwing himself up the other end of the settee to cradle her head between his arms and catch her mouth with his.

She kissed him back with almost as much excitement, the pair of them smiling and laughing giddily at the stupidity and utter prospect of it all.

“Got you trapped now.” Matty breathed into the space between them not long after, eyes boring into her own. He hadn't been lying earlier when he’d claimed that they were one of his favourite things about her.

She barked out a laugh, hands falling away from where they’d been holding his neck to cover her face. “Was that a mouse joke?” She asked him through the gaps in her fingers, shaking her head at him.

Matty hadn’t really thought too much about his words, but thinking back he couldn’t stop himself from laughing too, bowing his shoulders to chuckle into the crook of her neck. “Fuck, I guess so.”

Her arms wrapped themselves around him again and so he nipped at the edge of her jaw, grinning like a fucking idiot.

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zara-renata · 1 month ago

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Hello! I just wanted to say I'm absolutely OBSESSED with the sylus series. Every update you make also makes my day ❤️ if it's ok, I wanted to ask a question, and if it's something that's upcoming in the fic please feel free to disregard this part. How do you think your written MC would handle knowing about sylus knowing past versions of MC and the history there? They seem to struggle with self esteem so im wondering if the knowledge that Sylus' interest is due in part not to them as they are now would be something....hard to digest(?) Like the self sabotage would kick in "ohhhh it's not me I'm a placeholder" mentality. Sorry if that doesn't make much sense 😥

Hello to you too! Thank you so much for this kind message! I'm really glad you're enjoying the fic, and it's amazing to hear that it's enough to make your day. I am enjoying writing it so much, but I still feel a lot of anxiety posting when I've finished something new. I haven't really written for fandom with any kind of consistency for a long time, and even back when I started, it was sporadic. I'm trying very hard to not worry about how well it will be received and to just try to enjoy the inspiration I currently have with the LADS universe and Sylus in particular, but messages like this are always so welcome and appreciated. As for your question, I'm going to put it under the cut because it may end up being spoilerish?? If I ever address it in this series. Thank you again so much for this kind ask!

So to preface this, I have a bunch of ideas regarding where i want this fic to go, but actually planning? and outline? i don't know her. it's basically like... i need to see sylus and mc at a fancy banquet. I need to see mc kidnapped because sylus is a crime lord. i need to see hurt/comfort in every single one of them. so I don't have a plan, and I don't know if i'll get to writing specifically about your question. but if I do! this might end up being spoilery, in which case I'm sorry for the future repetition! ok since i can't have two 'under the cuts', here's a palate cleanser if you want to stop reading.

Your question absolutely makes sense! I think it's a natural question to have, no matter your level of self esteem. We all want to know the reasons why people love us! I always feel big disappointment when this question comes up in a love story and the answer is ... "because you're you." Uuh, no buddy, I need details and receipts, please and thank you. And I also think that in a universe where past lives are real, and the person who loves you may have had feelings for a version of you from a past life, a natural question for anyone is "Does this person really love me, who I am on the inside now, or does this person love the shape of me, simply because I look and sound like the person he loved?" And for people who find it hard to accept that anyone could love them, like our mc in this series, it would take more convincing that yes, in fact, it's you, you in particular, in this life that he loves, just as he loved you in past lives, even though past you was not the same. So I can definitely see this mc going into what you describe as self-sabotage mode, and needing a shit-ton of reassurance from Sylus that this mc is enough, if not better, than past iterations of mc. Like, it's clear that Sylus's initial interest is because he knows you from the past, but you're still you. You're still a warrior, and incredibly skillful and strong- even canon mc (who i'll refer to as she since infold won't allow more options) in the game is competent, at least in battle, even if sometimes she is a bit cringe or silly because the writers seem to think that she needs to be nerfed on occasion to let the boys shine. But honestly that doesn't happen as much as I would expect based on other otome games i've played. but i digress! I definitely think a big source of angst after Sylus and the mc from this series become romantically involved would be from learning that not only had he not revealed their shared past earlier, but wrestling with the doubt you mentioned in your ask, of "Does he love me for me as I am now, or because I'm a good enough replacement?"

And Sylus's answer would be a resounding "I love you for who you are now, how could I not love someone who surprises me every day with all the emotions you carry inside you and can't hide, when I myself haven't felt much emotion in so long. how can I not love someone who despite being so hurt, is strong enough to keep trying to defend the weak, to keep fighting even when you're on the ropes. how could I not love someone who is funny and smart, and tries to fill my bedroom with plants because I miss the plants that grow everywhere but inside the n109 zone, a place I have to live in because it protects me from the sun and it's where my empire is even though I hate it."

And even further than that, because this is a comforting fantasy for me and maybe for others because we all want to think we are singularly unique for the person who loves us, even though in real life you can love more than one person in your life and all of those loves are valid, and polyamory does exist and is valid, BUT for me personally i like to think that sylus can even love this mc more than past mcs. Like i allude to in the series based on that evil villain bit he gives you about all the crimes you have committed or will commit, i have this idea that the mc he loved was a lot crueler than this mc. just based on how starved he is for touch and how he lights the fuck up if you're even a tiny bit nice to him, i think that the crumbs of affection that previous mc may have given him were enough to satisfy him because he did love that mc, even though they may have been a lot harsher. but when he meets our mc, who is already prepared to protect and care for him with everything in them despite what a dickhead he is when we first meet him, the returned affection and devotion that this mc provides for him is a feast that he almost does not know how to properly process, and he loves this mc as much, if not more, than the other mcs that he has cared for.

ok and now i'm done, i'm sorry if this is WAY more than you were looking for. In the end it would be angsty but sylus will prevail because he loves you so, so much!

#sara answers #i'm sorry this became a novel #it's friday afternoon and work is slow #i've got a nice beer in my hand #thank you so much for the kind ask #sylus x reader

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vorpalfae · 9 months ago

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Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

#kh

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thefirstknife · 4 months ago

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I want to be optimistic about the future, but as somebody who has been through 4-6 EoS events and witnessed several others friends have gone through, with a lot of the rumors/news breaking about future plans for the game itself, and some changes introduced in TFS I'm slowly starting to get a bad feeling about things. I'm not giving up on the game, but it's feeling hard to be hopeful when I'm starting to get similar vibes to the other EoS events I've been through.

I'll mostly focus on this article from Jason Schreier because I don't really trust any other rumours that are floating around. I know a lot of people are super depressed about everything and it's easy to spiral into doom and gloom, which I want to avoid because it just stresses people out, over things they can't really change, and primarily over things that are far from confirmed.

Obviously we don't know anything for certain yet, but from what little the devs told us when this happened:

While our team is taking time to help support each other, we want you, our community, to know that we expect no disruption to all of our previously communicated content plans. Our content roadmap remains unchanged. This also includes our future plans for next year and beyond.

Nothing is changed and plans are clearly in place. It goes without saying that this can be flipped on its head at any point, but it also has to be said that it would be quite strange for a franchise of this scale to simply go down without an honest attempt to keep it going. Obviously various media ends all the time and studios are shut down and all that, but I feel like people are jumping on that conclusion way too easily and simply over unconfirmed rumours which puts people in a mindset that "the game is over." According to devs and Jason's report, it is clearly not planned to be over. We have yet to see if that works out.

Either way, we're set for this year for sure and there's clearly a plan they've already hinted for next year. What concerned people the most, I think was this (more under):

The company also plans to continue updating Destiny 2, although it will no longer pursue regular paid expansions as it did in the past, according to the people familiar. During one recent meeting, a company leader told attendees that sales of each expansion had declined year over year, including June’s The Final Shape, so they would be moving away from an annual release model. Some staff said they’re optimistic about the vision for Destiny 2 under new director Tyson Green, a Bungie veteran who took the helm earlier this year. In the coming months, the people said, Bungie will look to retain and attract players with smaller-scale content drops modeled after Into the Light, a well-received update in April that added a new mode to the game. Rather than selling this content, they said, Bungie will aim to release it for free along with overhauls to activities that it hopes will appeal to hardcore players. Other vague plans for the future include a storyline that will feature characters and worlds that Destiny has not yet explored.

Personally, I don't necessarily see this as something bad. I've actually been in favour of stopping yearly expansion for years. A big expansion every year is a big thing to commit to and it simply cannot be up to the best standards every single year. Some years will simply be smaller or "worse" and they won't engage people as some others. To this day people are still demanding expansions the size of Forsaken, every year, and that is simply mathematically impossible to make. So we get stuff like Shadowkeep and people flip out (Destiny died back then too). In my opinion, I think expansions every 2-3 years with smaller content drops in between is much better and healthier, and would result in better expansions.

We don't know if expansions are ever happening again; this report seems to imply not, but nobody really knows what state Destiny will be in 3 years from now, if it still exists. Until then, I'm perfectly fine with smaller content drops and updates. Obviously we don't know what that will look like; maybe it will be bad, but maybe it will not be bad. We simply don't know. I think people just heard "no expansion every year" and assumed that it's all over and no other content will ever be interesting or engaging ever again, which is something I simply don't see. For example, this episode has quickly become one of my favourite content in Destiny ever and it's not an expansion. I feel the same about some seasons which I enjoyed more than some expansions.

This is a matter of preference of course. Some people only tune in for expansions so for them "no expansions" effectively means no more Destiny. A lot of people also wonder about stuff like raids, which launch with expansions; what about those? Are we ever getting a raid again? We don't know, though it's worth noting that some raids have launched with DLCs and seasons, so launching a raid without the expansion could still be possible. We'll simply have to wait and see.

A lot of people are also concerned about the confirmation that Destiny 3 was never in development. I don't find this surprising at all and firmly believe that people who believed in D3 in the first place have not been fully aware of just how much devs never wanted to make another game from scratch again. This is from when they announced vaulting back in Arrivals:

With Destiny 1, we solved the “ever expanding, exponential complexity” problem by making a sequel in Destiny 2. We left behind all of Destiny 1’s content and many of the features players grew to love. We believe now that it was a mistake to create a situation that fractured the community, reset player progress, and set the player experience back in ways that took us a full year to recover from and repair. It’s a mistake we don’t want to repeat by making a Destiny 3.

I don't think anything has changed about their opinion on this over the years. It may have become even stronger actually, given how much content exists in the game right now and how much content would permanently disappear, alongside everyone's progress and collections, if they restarted everything. Not only that, but they know that a new game would have to launch with basically no content that would have to be built up over the years and would result in the same anger from players that plagued D1 vanilla and D2 vanilla. Nobody would enjoy going from 9 raids (maybe 10 if there's a reprised this year?) to 1 raid. Like I'm not sure if people realise this, but D3 will have no content in comparison. People were exceptionally mad about Beyond Light which reduced the amount of content and items due to vaulting; D3 would have less than that.

So I'm not sure why people expect and want D3. I never vibed with that idea. Not in any foreseeable future. I don't want to restart my progress, I don't want to lose everything I collected, I don't want to wait for years to get more than 3 strikes in the game. So the confirmation that this was never in development is not only super obvious to me, it's also relieving.

I think these are mostly the things that people are panicking over, from stuff that is now known a little better from Jason's report. When it comes to other rumours and leaks, we simply don't know if they're true and how detailed they are so I will not be stressing about them and I'd advise everyone else to not stress about them either.

We all love the game very much and the idea that it will end one day is very upsetting, but it will. One day it will end. Is that in 2 years or 20, we don't know. I'd like for people to definitely move away from the doomposters on twitter, to not latch onto any rumour or leak, and to give developers space and patience, as well as do anything we can to support those that were laid off.

I personally also think that the content creators with the biggest platforms should use the current anger and despair to pressure Bungie or Sony into making meaningful changes. Instead of posting about how "it's so over, goodbye everyone, Destiny is dead," I think they should be encouraging fans to bully these corporations with the one thing they understand best: money. Hey corpos, we ARE still interested in Destiny, we WANT to keep playing, we WANT it to keep going and we WILL bring our money if you do something about this situation. Because I don't trust any of these people who are claiming they're big fans and also how their livelihoods depend on making content for this one game, but are so easy to doompost and give up and say that the game is now over. How would anyone seeing this feel other than concerned and in despair?

Is it possible to change anything? No clue. Corporations can obviously be bullied into action, but we simply don't know how much effect we have here. Still, I'd rather try.

And I'd definitely try to stay positive, or at least neutral. We currently have no confirmations about anything being over, and plans for future content exist. Things will likely be different, but that doesn't always mean worse. And if it is? Well then it is and people will stop playing.

And of course, if anyone lost interest over this and over these reports, that's understandable. Taking a break from it all is recommended. Whatever happens, happens. If the game is still there and the interest is regained, everyone can always come back. No one has to decide right now whether they'll keep playing or stop forever. We can change our minds later depending on any new information and the state of the game.

The point of this whole thing is basically; we don't know anything for sure and overthinking about what-if scenarios that are years out is not very helpful. Venting concerns and talking to others can help though, which is why I want to try and stay as reasonable as possible in a situation where we genuinely don't have any proper confirmations.

We'll see! I'll keep playing while there's something to play and while that something is interesting to me, no matter how small. I hope this helps keeping people at least a little bit less stressed about the whole thing.

#destiny 2 #bungie #ask #this isn't anything against the anon it was just a good opportunity to go into some of this #i think being concerned is very normal and expected #but also sometimes concern and anxiety and stress make us less than rational (me included)#especially when everyone online is reinforcing that stress and anxiety which they currently are #but there are other perspectives! especially in regards to the whole 'no expansions. smaller content drops.'#at first glance it can feel really bad but to me it just sounded like something i've wanted for years #i love expansions but a new one every year is a lot. both content-wise and financially for us. and development-wise for devs #taking a year or two off from expansions (or indefinitely) might be good #it might not! we won't know until it's tried. and i'd like people to give it a chance #primarily to give devs a chance

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