#which is probably not the right thing to have identified as a remedy but what can you do

[thearchivistsjournal]

Day 267,

Morning thought: Slept in later than I meant to.  Good thing I told Vernon I’d be visiting the glassmaker tomorrow and not today.

*******

Saw the floating island on my way to the library today.  Checking the bracelet, Lin isn’t on it.  I wonder if Huan went to check it anyway?

*******

A few minutes ago, on a whim stimulated by the topic of Cass re-apprenticing to Lin coming up again last night, I cracked open one of the medical books we have in the archive and started flipping through it.  I’d only briefly glanced at it to confirm the subject back when I was doing my reorganizing of the filing system, so I was caught off guard when I actually started paying attention.

I’d expected to find a document on par with the apparent technological level of the Village (anachronistic mishmash of clothing styles and weird woodworking machines out of Cloud Tower notwithstanding).  Lists of common ailments and symptoms to identify them by.  Treatments for the above.  Herbal remedies and suggestions for finding and identifying the ingredients.  The sorts of things that would be learned, informally codified, and passed on over generations of practical application.

And those things were there.  What I wasn’t expecting were the accompanying why’s of everything.  No superstitions or folkloric explanations, but detailed explanations of internal anatomy and references to specific molecular compounds and how they interact with cellular chemistry.  Not simply “boil this plant for tea to treat headaches,” but “boil this plant for tea to treat headaches because the boiling process leeches the isobutylphenylpropionic acid from the leaves, which when ingested acts as an anti-inflammatory by inhibiting the production of inhibiting the cyclooxygenase enzymes.”

What.

This calls for a reassessment of how “modern” the medicine is here.

Why is this not something that Theo would - for lack of a better word - censor?  The practical advice could still technically work just as well without the scientific explanations.

Why is this particular field so much more modern than everything else?

Why is “induce vomiting” still a go-to solution for so many things?  Then again, hangover cures have never been scientific.

Apparently ibuprofen does grow on trees around here.  Well on shrubbery technically.  I’m taking this as further evidence for this place being artificially engineered.

How do we have diagrams of cell structures (as seen in another volume the first one referred me to) when no one here seems to have heard of microscopes?

I feel like I should talk to someone about this, but I’m not sure who.  Lin’s… unavailable right now.  Talking to Huan is… awkward (I still need to apologize to him though).  Pat’s an option, but I can’t shake the gut feeling that any answer would be frustratingly vague and/or cryptic.  And then there’s Theo who probably knows but almost certainly wouldn’t tell me.  Not to mention that I’m currently uneasy with the idea of asking questions in general right now when I’m trying to give the impression that I’ve learned my lesson about seeking “why.”

Another mild existential-crisis-inducing mystery to put on the backburner for now.

*******

As I ready myself for bed, it occurs to me that I never finished talking about lunch with Vernon yesterday, nor have I yet gotten around to detailing Cass’s visit last night.

As I wrote previously, the lunch went well and we’ll be doing it again next week.  We got food from one of the market stalls, and found seats in the shade where - while not the focus of his attention - Vernon could keep the stalls in the periphery of his vision in the highly unlikely event something came up.  Recent serious topics were avoided in favor of sharing bits of our day-to-day.  I talked about my recent beach day and a few different ideas I had for potential stories to tell at the equinox festival.  Vernon told me a bit more about his social life and coworkers (both among the mediators and the guards).  He’ll likely be introducing me to one or two of them next week.  That will be… interesting, if nothing else.  The intersecting of social circles.

Also, I can’t remember if I mentioned it earlier with everything else or not, but there’s a crack in one of the lenses of Vernon’s glasses that’s been there since that night we got back.  It’s near the corner and Vernon said that means it doesn’t interfere with his vision that much, but I still wound up offering to take it to the glassmaker for him, assuming he could manage to go a day without them.  I’d been meaning to make that visit for some time now, and this was the sort of vital impetus I needed to actually do it.  I cited the swimming goggles idea as my original reason for going lest word of microscope “invention” (although after today that’s maybe not the right word at all) get back to Theo.

Vernon thanked me for the offer but made the counter-offer of taking (what is now) tomorrow off and the two of us making the walk together.  Works for me.  I’m trying to spend less time alone these days anyway.

And that’s the highlights from that.  Afterward we both went back to our respective duties to the Village.  Him walking around the market being a soothing presence and me poking around the archive for stories in response to the earlier requests for tellings until the evening came and I made the walk back to the house.

And then Cass showed up in the middle of the night again as I was writing.

Apparently she’d been hoping I’d spend the night at the house that day.  Easier to sneak out unnoticed when half the family is away in town.  I’m starting to think she gets a thrill out of it.

And so we resumed examination and analysis of Iole’s book for as long as I felt comfortable with her sneaking away from home.  Longer actually, since the actual amount of time I was comfortable with this arrangement was zero.  But I felt I owed it to her and, truth be told, I enjoy the mystery of our work almost enough to push the ethical concerns to the back of my mind.

It was Cass’s idea to try comparing the book to the log we took of the cathedral chanting.  I pointed out that we don’t actually have a way to correlate those phonetic transcriptions to the actual text but she suggested the idea of doing a syllable count of each word and then looking for passages in the book that might match.  For example, a string of “one-syllable, three-syllables, two-syllables” might correspond to a string of “short-word, long-word, short-word.”

It’s a huge stretch and we don’t even know if the book’s text is a phonetic script, but it’s frankly as good as any other idea right now.  And it is an intriguing concept.  More importantly perhaps, it’s something that Cass can work on on her own by annotating her copy of the cathedral chant log.

I took that finding of “homework” for her as a cue to send her on home for the night.  Hopefully she didn’t get caught.  I imagine I would have gotten word in the morning before I left if she had.  I worry though that there’s no way this sneaking out and going behind family members’ backs ends well.

Spending the night in the archive tonight.  Shorter walk to the glassmaker.  And more convenient for meeting up with Vernon in the morning.  And avoids sharing the road home with James.

<==Previous          Next==>

[aurea-corde]

TL;DR - cannot emphasise enough that I am a mere law student and not giving anybody legal advice. i agree with what previous said about profits. unfortunately even if someone wanted to seek account of profits like prev reblog mentioned, their individual contribution amongst a truly colossal dataset doesn't guarantee a big payout. it could well be infringement, but it might not be worth the legal costs to act on it. depends on the funds you're working with and depends on the lawyers. that said, law evolves over time. governments may decide to build in protections for authors/creators of copyrighted works as far as compensation goes, or maybe attribution rights. also to an extent you can control what your work is used for, but i don't get into the ethics of that here, only an existing legal framework as i understand it.

What I meant with my tags was to agree with previous that yes, people often perceive the law in general to be protecting some ever-changing but identifiable set of 'rights', but that truly depends on what sorts of things your government counts as 'rights' (like human rights). For example there are countries don't have a legal document like a Charter or Bill of Rights. But whether or not such a document exists, the only enforceable 'rights' you have are, as prev said, legal rights and not always ethics-based. There are situations where courts are allowed to intervene because a party's conduct was 'unconscionable', but they don't have to use it. So it's important for people to know that some things they consider 'rights' are not 'legal rights' that you would actually be able to sue someone for. Or that even if you do have certain legal rights, it may not be practical to enforce them for the reason previous reblog mentioned.

For example, in Australia eligible works (i.e. not all) are protectable by copyright with no registration required, giving with it a host of legal rights including what's rather confusingly called 'moral rights' or 'personal rights'. So if I was a photographer and took a copyrightable photograph, then someone uses that photograph in an exhibition but didn't say that I was the photographer, that would probably infringe my right of attribution protected by law. I might be able to get a remedy like an account of profits proportionate to how much my work was part of that exhibition (this is not a realistic example but for explanation only). But as prev mentioned, that's not exactly what AI large language models or image generators are doing. They necessarily use a database of images or texts larger than any human being could possibly consume or draw from, so completely different rules for fair use (as it's known in the US) or fair dealing (as it's known in Australia) are needed. Previous specifically mentioned the transformative works exception, which is the most relevant one in an American context. You'd need new legal definitions of what counts as 'transformation' from precedent (will take time) or from legislation (may take even more time) in order to be able to address this specifically.

Now, jurisdictions like Australia don't actually have a transformative works exception. So should Australian creators or people in countries with no transformative works exception sue image generators and the like? Maybe. Technically any use of your work that isn't private use or under some other exception like research and study purposes is infringement. But again, nobody really has proper legislation about this yet and there isn't much case law yet to rely on. Depends how much money you're willing to throw at it - hence, protection of capital. There are cases being filed right now against companies like OpenAI for copyright infringement and we don't know how it will all shake out yet.

As to what you've said about artistic traditions being rooted in transformation - sure. Many people have had this argument and many people will continue to argue it. I won't discuss the ethics here. But violation of consent to use a work - or rather the failure to get consent in the first place - is something that can be and has been protected outside the exceptions. Copyright actually does give some level of control over what gets associated with your work. There's specifically a 'moral right' sometimes known as the 'right to integrity' for signatories to the Berne Convention (like the EU, the US and Australia), which means people can't take your work and tweak it slightly to be really problematic or something. It's why people couldn't distribute, say, controversial statements accompanied by Mickey Mouse from the Steamboat Willie era until this year when it entered public domain. Obviously the way in which generative software uses works to generate content would look different and the end product might not be prejudicial to creators from the dataset it used, but you definitely can control how your work gets used to an extent. We just don't know what that extent is when it involves AI, or how liable the person using the AI is for what it produces.

[potions-n-devotions]

Welcome to Potions & Devotions, I'm your host Ash, and tonight's special is:

A glass of pinot grigio, a plate of espresso crusted asiago with strawberries, and a hill for me to die on.

Listen, I like a good white wine. I like a cheap white wine too. If I'm having wine, it's white, rosé, or it better have bubbles. And cheese, you can't go wrong with cheese. Asiago is tasty, and this espresso crust gives it a bold, earthy note that contrasts nicely with the strawberry. So, with that, I feel like chatting about correspondences. Now, I certainly could chatter on about the uses of white wine and espresso in magic. But I won't. Buckle up.

Correspondences in Witchcraft

Isn't it so nice to have correspondence lists? They're so convenient, and just make it so easy to throw together spells and shit, don't they? You can just roulette wheel your way down a list of items labeled "good for money" until you hit on a handful of items you have in your house.

Too bad things like culture, personal connections, local uses, and specific traditions impact how we use an item in magic.

A common example is green for money. Some folks will argue till they're blue in the face that green is always good for money spells, even if your country's money isn't green, because trees and nature and abundance or something. Did you know that in China, South Korea, Taiwan, and Japan the stock market uses green for declines and red for growth? Green is directly tied to loss of money in those situations. So even the supposed universal application of green for prosperity is bullshit.

But how am I supposed to learn correspondences as a beginner if it's all subjective?!?

Start studying and recording.

Now before someone jumps in and drags my ass through the digital mud for suggesting you read, because yes my neurodivergent ass knows it can be hard to read -especially dense information- you don't need to run out to your nearest university library. Study can include reading, sure. Heck, even start with those nifty little lists that all include quartz and canva graphics. But ask where that information is coming from, and ask if it's true for everyone. Then, ask if it's true for you.

If you don't have any other resources, those pretty little lists *can* be a tool for getting started. You can do better than just skimming those lists and nodding your head though.

For one thing, ask old people in your real life what they use different herbs and rocks and such for. They've probably got folk remedies, weird lore, and local superstitions to pass on. Do any of those resonate with you? Does Old Maggie saying "chili pepper will clear out your nasal cavity and fix a head cold" sound an awful lot like the nasty cold concoction your folks fed you when you got stuffy? Congrats, you just learned that chili may very well work as a healing item for you.

Write that shit down.

If you can, add a note about why, or where you learned it.

Another thing you can do, and this is more book heavy, is look up where different correspondences come from. Did that originate in European alchemy? Did it come out of pop culture? Did Crowley pull it out his ass and slap a "genuine witchcraft" label on it for marketing to Victorian esoterics?

Maybe you're finding a lot of stuff from English folk magic is making sense for you. Then you know to look more in depth at English folk traditions and see if there's more there that makes sense. Maybe you find which things you can disregard right off the bat. Maybe you get better at identifying appropriated practices that have no place on a list of witchy ideas for celebrating the new moon. It certainly makes you more knowledgeable about your own craft.

Does this mean you're going to be putting in more work and time than copying down lists? Hell yeah. Will it be more rewarding for your practice? Almost certainly. Is it worth your time? Idfk, only you can decide if it's worth it for you.

But if you find yourself complaining that there's so much beginner material, and nothing for advancing your craft, maybe, just maybe, it's time to start looking at things that aren't going to apply to as many people as possible. I'm not saying to throw out all the building blocks you picked up when you first got started. I'm saying to make them your own. Scribble all over them, cross out lines, write in the margins! Who says YOU need to use green in money spells?! Maybe it's time to try something else and start experimenting. Go wild. Question everything, teach yourself, and accept that growing might mean leaving behind all purpose lists.

Ya know what, I lied. I am going to talk about strawberries and espresso in magic. Since I keep talking about money spells, it's only right I share something from my own spellbook with you.

Espresso holds very strong connections to money and wealth for me. I grew up poor af. I always thought anything other than a plain black drip coffee was fancy. Hell, cowboy coffee was a treat I only got when we went fishing, and I thought for a long time that's what espresso was, just, tinier. When I got older I found friends who drank Americanos (espresso poured into hot water) and couldn't for the life of me understand how that was any different from a regular coffee, except the expected price tag. When I finally had an americano I learned I was wrong. It was a different drink, and I relished it! I also learned espresso wasn't just burnt coffee boiled too long and too high. It still held a place of almost reverence in my mind though. I felt guilty liking it because it's as much as a cup of diner coffee, and it could fill a thimble (exaggeration). In my mind it still occupies a space as expensive. As a luxury. As a sign of excess. So espresso is one of my most effective tools in money spells, with an added kick of being highly energetic and encouraging movement.

Strawberries represent wealth for me in a different way. Growing up, my Nan grew strawberries. It was always a fight against time, the elements, birds and bugs to harvest enough for more than a handful sized snack at any point in time. Sure, we'd get multiple handfuls throughout the season, but a whole basket full? Nah. And getting enough for strawberry shortcake? That was rare. If we were lucky, we managed to get enough berries for a shortcake during summer. My Nan would slice up the berries, sitting in the kitchen with a big bowl and a paring knife for what seemed like hours. Then she'd sprinkle sugar over the fruit and set it aside to macerate. She'd make the shortcake, letting it cool completely. She'd give us kids a bowl of heavy cream and a whisk and tell us to keep going until our arms were about to fall off. Strawberry shortcake was a treat. It was expensive. Not monetarily, but with the time and care that went into it. So strawberries always meant something to me about success, about victory. Because it felt like victory when I bit into that cake, topped with sweet strawberries and fresh whipped cream. To this day, strawberries mean I'm going to succeed. So when I want to know my endeavors are going to pay off, I add strawberries.

[bionicaitech]

Responsible AI and how to implement it in your business: A Practical Guide - Bionic

This Blog was Originally Published at :

Responsible AI and how to implement it in your business: A Practical Guide — Bionic

With advanced AI at your disposal, your company is achieving things that you never imagined possible. Your customers are enjoying the fastest service, the operations are probably faster than electricity and your market intelligence has never been better. But then the unexpected occurs. A news headline flashes across your screen: “Your Company’s AI Discriminates Against Customers.” Your stomach sinks.

It is important to understand that such a scenario is not far from the realm of possibility. We have all read the stories: the AI that became racist, sexist, homophobic, and every other ‘ist’; the AI that invades privacy; the AI that inspires Black Mirror episodes that were based on dystopian futuristic technologies.

However, the stark reality that faces us while using artificial intelligence is that while AI holds the potential to be phenomenal, it also holds a lot of potential danger.

But here’s the good news: At this stage, you have the power to build something different for your business. You got to know what is responsible AI and how to implement it in your business. With AI implementation in place and being a part of your company’s guidelines, you will be able to embrace and promote all the benefits of AI while preventing any harm to people and your business reputation.

The journey to effective responsible artificial intelligence is not always smooth but is a necessity in this world we live in today. It is not simply about mitigating risks of legal action; it is about values, company culture, and the vision for the future that can be made possible by AI.

What is Responsible AI?

AI, as a technological wonder, is said to redefine industries, enhance health care, and even solve problems like climate change.

But what if things could be more picture-perfect? We’ve seen glimpses of this darker side of AI: filtering methods that prejudge female applicants, security systems that fail to correctly identify persons of color and flawed algorithms that reinforce prejudice.

The potential for AI to “hallucinate” or generate false information poses another significant risk. We’ve witnessed this AI hallucination: AI models produce biased content, discriminating against certain groups, or amplifying misinformation. These are not just technical glitches; they can have profound societal consequences.

Responsible AI is the perfect remedy for these risks. It is about creating AI that is not only smart but also moral and that acts fairly and honestly. This is like a set of guidelines for the use of Artificial Intelligence for the right purpose to enhance the well-being of society.

In the context of healthcare, responsible AI means that diagnostic algorithms are fair and effective across any demographic. In finance, it implies designing loan approval frameworks that do not continue to reinforce prejudice in lending. Similarly, in the criminal justice system, it means harnessing the power of AI for decision-making while not perpetuating an unfair cycle of discrimination.

The Stakes Are High

The negative impacts of AI are not some distant possible scenarios, but actual threats, that are already taking place, and which may pose a serious threat to an industry or firm. For instance, consider IBM which once had to respond to a legal complaint that involved claims of misuse of data on a weather application. (Know more)

No entrepreneur wants to be caught up in such a storm of numerous legal issues.

There’s Optum which has been accused of having an algorithm that delays treatment for sicker black patients than for white ones. A healthcare company, whose principle is to provide remedies to society, found on the other end of the stick accused of causing harm. This is not only a PR disaster; it is an absolute breach of trust, in its most basic sense of the word. (Know more)

A major financial giant, Goldman Sachs, faces controversy over allegations of gender discrimination regarding credit limits for the Apple Card. (Know more)

An algorithm, meant to be objective, perpetuates the very inequalities it should be blind to. Who can forget the Cambridge Analytica scandal which involved the leakage of millions of users’ data and threatened the reliability of Facebook?

These are not mere isolated cases that one can easily brush aside or ignore. It’s a pattern, a red flag pointing at the directions that we could be moving into when AI becomes deeper and more entrenched. The cases bring out the fact that the application of AI deepens existing prejudices and discriminations, and invades our privacy. This aspect alone results in significant reputational loss, huge legal expenses incurred, and raising ethical questions.

What Responsible AI Means for Your Business

AI must be a responsible one and it is not about compliance anymore but should also be designed so that it comes up with the least AI hallucinations. It is about more than just not making some black headlines or having some legal issues; it is about making your AI ethical all through.

In practice, responsible AI means Grounding AI with real-world information ensuring your AI systems are:

Fair: Suppose, there is a hiring algorithm that repeatedly fails to select deserving candidates from the marginalized community. And that is not only unjust, it is unwise for any business to miss the potential that it has at its fingertips. Responsible AI aims at fairness and making sure that an opportunity of equal chance is present for everyone.

Transparent: Consider a customer service chatbot that will provide answers that look as though they are random. Frustrating, right? Responsible AI refers to the practice of attempting to explain how an AI operates, the data it utilizes, and the reasons it arrives at certain conclusions.

Accountable: In the wake of a technical glitch in an AI-assisted medical gadget, who bears the blame? When it comes to responsible AI, it’s quite clear. Clear accountability makes certain that problems are resolved on time and there is always a person of recourse for that technology.

Privacy-Preserving: Take, for instance, a facial recognition system that takes your picture and stores it without your permission. Responsible AI always considers user privacy and complies with data protection laws by being careful with users’ information.

In addition to these principles, responsible AI is about creating correct and dependable AI systems. It is about making certain that AI should not make things worse and that it should improve the situation for everyone involved. By following the principles of responsible AI, you are not only trying to avoid harm; you are building a world in which AI would be positively beneficial to humanity.

9 Ways to Operationalize Responsible AI

Below is the step-by-step approach to implementing responsible AI in your business-

Leverage Existing Infrastructure: If your company has any form of decision-making board on data such as a data governance board, then use this as a reference when developing your AI ethics program. This makes it possible for you to incorporate the ethical aspects in your decisions.

Create a Tailored Ethical Risk Framework: Determine which ethical principles are most relevant to your sector and organization. Outline the kinds of risks you have in your AI applications, and then create a way of handling them.

Learn from Healthcare: As mentioned earlier, ethical challenges have always been a sore point in the healthcare industry when addressing issues of patient care as well as data. Use their strategies to tackle issues such as informed consent, privacy, and autonomy regarding AI.

Empower Product Managers: Provide instructions and resources to your product managers that will enable them to properly identify and address ethical challenges all through the life cycle of a product. It also means making a sound decision in areas such as trade-offs between explainability and accuracy.

Build Organizational Awareness: Make sure that all the employees, from the top managers to the low-level workers, comprehend the risks of practical artificial intelligence applications. Brief them on the various ethical standards, and explain that they should seek to report any concerns they may have regarding any unethical issues in the future.

Incentivize Ethical Behavior: Encourage high engagement by providing incentives for those who report and contribute to managing ethical concerns. In this case, assure your subordinates and clients that ethical practices are encouraged and appreciated at your company.

Monitor and Engage Stakeholders: Closely track the actual effects that the AI systems you have implemented are bringing to the table. It is also important to solicit feedback from users and other stakeholders and make modifications where necessary. This element is crucial in establishing trust and can be accomplished by constantly providing clear information in the process.

Grounding AI: Integrate AI grounding techniques into your development process to ensure AI systems are tethered to reliable sources of truth and human values. Grounding techniques can help mitigate biases, hallucinations, and other potential risks by ensuring AI outputs are traceable, explainable, and aligned with ethical principles.

Utilize Human-in-the-Loop Approaches: Introducing humans in the loop that check and review outputs produced by the AI tool, especially in sensitive matters.

Additional Considerations

Responsible AI is not a switch that can be turned on and off once changes and improvements have been made. To truly embed it in your company’s DNA, consider these additional steps:

Cultivate Diversity: Your AI is only as good as the people who build it. Make sure that your development teams contain a fairly broad set of viewpoints to avoid bias from influencing your algorithms. Just like in a jury, you ensure that there is representation from as many sides as possible to increase the chances of an impartial, or fair outcome.

Regular Checkups: Even the healthiest systems require some level of maintenance now and then. You should occasionally audit your AI to identify any biases or other forms of abnormality that are likely to develop over time. It’s akin to giving your AI a check-up before it develops an uninvited issue.

Stay Ahead of the Curve: Ethical questions have always followed the nature and development of AI, with new challenges emerging in tandem with new advancements. Make learning a priority. Get updated on current trends in the field, the best and recommended practices as well as current laws that regulate the application of AI. It is like buying your AI model a software update for ethics.

Conclusion

AI and Machine Learning can open up opportunities like no other technology in the past has been able to ever. However, it is crucial to acknowledge that this technological revolution is not entirely free from some significant ethical questions. As we find ourselves at the cusp of this new age, education regarding these technologies and the responsible use of AI becomes imperative.

Thus, by transforming ourselves through the knowledge and skills embedded in AI, we establish a powerful tool and promote the intelligent usage of responsible AI. The course towards an AI-positive future where responsible artificial intelligence is a product of human intellect and conscience is what the current times demand.

Are you ready to experience the full potential of AI without compromising on ethics or integrity? Bionic AI offers a transformative solution that empowers your business while upholding the highest standards of responsible AI practices. Request a demo now!

[dopaminergicaddictions]

I woke up at 3:30. I fell asleep around 7:30 or 7:45. I closed my eyes at 7:25. I don't remember laying there for long. It felt like 3-7 minutes. Which is amazing.

I remember having anxiety about my rapid eye movement and comforting myself saying I've hit rem sleep every single day for months now and then listening to family guy and I was gone.

I finished all of bobs burgers. Family guy has too many dialogue breaks. American dad is kinda terrible. It also had diagloue breaks. And see I like king of the hill but the graphics are kinda hard to watch.

I'm probably just going to rewatch bobs burgers.

So- my hallucination yesterday was kinda bad especially during the shower. I have a hard time listening to music. I sing and i have these awful secondary psychosis thoughts such as I have to wash dead names cunt. I have to clean my pussy lips. It's fucking gross and it makes things really fucking intolerable. I was hallucinating my deadname a lot which is almost all I hallucinate now. Minus, successful right now, happy birthday, i have a birthday present for deadname blanchette. Or it'll try to take over my thoughts and say dead name is washing his cunt.

So it's been pretty bad. I def don't have a thoughts disorder but, if I don't try to think very concise thoughts, I have issues with not thinking dead name I have to do this, no nathan I'm going to do this. It's gross how psychosis associated nathan with my deadname.

I'm not going to lie I'm thinking about changing my first name now. Cause whenever I call myself nathan my deadname follows. Or vice versus, I say my deadname first and then say Nathan...

The sad thing is Nathan is the only name I have EVER identified with. I mean all the other male names I just don't identified with them.

The hallucination at the moment seems less intrusive and less loud. It feels like it's going away but idk. It seems it gets worse when I'm at my peak hours of my circadian rhythm. Whenever I'm the most awake and productive... like between 10 pm to 2 a.m or something like that.

I mean I've been sitting in, "silence" a lot today cause I got new dry erase markers and I've been working on my schedule and doing laundry and I'm still hallucinating constantly but it's quieter and less intrusive. I'm hoping it stays this way and gets better but I'm not at my peak.

Even when it was really terrible it was way better in the morning/early day before I became more alert....

So I've been looking at herbal remedies. As antipsychotics are not ever going to be an option. I'll consider taking my thyroid meds if I get to the 21st and its still there but I'm only taking it until my levels go to normal so I can avoid excessive weight gain... if the voice goes away, then I'm going to stop it. If it comes back..... I might restart it ... but idk... if the voice doesn't go away and I get to normal levels I'm absolutely stopping it.... I'll go on them for max a month and I'm going to gain at least 10 pounds. I'm already 200 and that's more than I used to be. I used to fluctuate around 185 and 195.... now it seems to be 195-200..... despite not having insomnia anymore thanks to Xanax.....

The herbal remedies aren't really promising. I know what's wrong with me bc I studied psychosis and schizophrenia extensively in graduate school and my bachelors program..

Basically my D2 dopamine receptor is overstimulated... when you hallucination, the dopamine in your mesolimbic pathway is excessive and you have more receptors than the average person.

Someone like you may have say 50 receptors. Your presynaptic neuron will excrete dopamine to the post synaptic dendrites and there will be left over dopamine that can't bind to your receptors bc the postsynaptic neuron only has so many receptors and the post synaptic neuron will take what it can and an action potential will occur.

All that excessive dopamine will be removed via enzymatic degradation and re-uptake. Your neuron will only take what it can and it will clean up the excess dopamine or any other neurotransmitter....

Well mine as I have psychosis might have 100 receptors instead of your normal amount of 50. So the post synaptic neuron will take more dopamine and create that action potential which will be in my case a hallucination..... because there are too many receptors and reuptake and enzymatic degradation is not occurring at the same healthy rate as a healthy individual.

So in order to block the excess transmission of dopamine on the D2 receptor you need an antagonist.

Agonist- increase receptor binding.

Antagonist-block receptors.

So I need something that acts as an antagonist on my D2 receptors. Whatever it is needs to block those receptors so that excess of dopamine gets reuptaked or gets degraded.

Antipsychotics target all dopamine receptors. Not just the mesolimbic pathway. So when you take them they decrease dopamine at the D2 receptors but decrease it everywhere else which is why someone experiences the negative symptoms of schizophrenia.... because it also decreases the dopamine in the mesocortical pathway. The negative symptoms of schizophrenia are caused by a DECREASE in dopamine in the mesocortical pathway. That's why Antipsychotics aren't a great way to fix hallucinations.

Atypical antipsychotics are better for negative symptoms or both but they also decrease dopamine everywhere although I believe they increase dopamine in the mesocortical pathway making the negative symptoms less problematic.... but if your mesocortical pathway is excreting the right amount of dopamine, overstimulating the dopamine receptors in the mesocortical pathway can cause other issues with executive functioning and a lot of other things. Which is why they wouldn't give someone like me an atypical antipsychotic because my dopamine levels are normal in my mesocortical pathway.

The problem with antipsychotics go beyond creating negative symptoms. They cause Parkinson and astonia and tardive dsykinesia... that's why they prescribe an anticholinergic. Which as I stated before has the side effect of causing REOCCURENCE. You need the anticholinergics to stop tardive dsykinesia.

Unfortunately those extra extrapyramidal side effects aren't 100% avoided just bc you take an anticholinergic... my uncle who luckily is not blood related to me, has paranoid schizophrenia. He has been on antipsychotics and anticholinergics since he was 17. He has Parkinson now. The reason for this is because Parkinson is caused by low dopamine levels. Someone with Parkinson is prescribed something called, L-dopa. Which is synthetic dopamine and increases dopamine in the appropriate pathway and potentially all dopamine pathways. I'm not as savvy in Parkinson disease. I know enough about it to understand why it happens from antipsychotics. I'm just unsure of what dopamine receptors are affected prior to the meds and then from the meds. However I believe it's the mesolimbic pathway. And l-dopa causes an increase of dopamine everywhere. I could be wrong about that.

All I know is i have an excess of d2 receptors, and the excess dopamine in my mesolimbic pathway is not being degraded or being reuptaked.

So I've been on Google scholar and other site trying to find an antagonist on the d2 receptors. A lot of these natural dopamine depletors have research suggesting they can be an agonist as well. I def do not need an agonist on my d2 receptors....

I have found white mulberry. I have to do extensive research as it does claim to be an antagonist on the d2 receptors. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of research done on herbal remedies. I'm hoping these white mulberries have more research once I find the right words.

D2

White mulberries

Psychosis/ psychotic symptoms

Is what I'm typing in now. I'm hoping I can fine tune it and find more than a literature review discussing multiple plants in Nigeria.

Upon a single google search it claims white mulberry is an antagonist on the d2 receptors but I'm not seeing the research.

It also claims magnesium is but I found research that suggests it's an agonist as well. It seems mixed.

So yea thats where I'm at. I'm trying very hard to fix my problem in a way where I don't lose my ability to be me.

As the days go by and the symptoms stay the same I worry the 20th will come and pass and I'll still be hallucinating.

[extreme-fix-water-damage]

When Do I Know to Call a Mold Removal Service?

There are a number of things that can indicate that you need to call a mold removal specialist, from a spore forming on a surface to a full-blown infestation. Typically, though, if you have a small problem with mold on a surface that’s easy to clean, you can handle it yourself with a DIY cleaning solution of vinegar and baking soda.

If you’re dealing with a large amount of mold, however, it’s best to leave that up to professional mold cleanup experts. They’re trained to identify specific varieties and levels of mold, which can help them determine the best course of action.

They’ll also use moisture meters, thermal imaging cameras, and other tools to make sure that they’re treating the right molds and addressing the proper moisture sources.

Mold can grow in the air and on any surface that has a high moisture content, like wood, tile, paper, and more. It can also grow on hard surfaces, such as drywall and paint, but it’s more likely to appear on soft surfaces, which are especially porous and absorb excess moisture.

Inspect the area regularly for signs of mold growth. Look for any changes in the color of walls or floors, as well as mold spots that have developed and spread beyond their original location. These may be yellow, gray, or black and can be indicative of a larger issue.

Smell the area closely and note the type of odor, which can be either musty or pungent. If the odor is persistent, it could be a sign of a full-blown mold outbreak.

If your home has experienced water damage, you should have a mold remediation expert come out to take a look at it. If the mold is not treated, it can cause serious problems with the structural integrity of your home.

When you do hire a remediation company, you want to find one that’s certified and has a good reputation. Check references and ask for testimonials to ensure you’re working with a reputable company.

A good mold removal service will also be equipped with the right equipment, including HEPA air scrubbers, commercial-strength dehumidifiers, and other expensive equipment. Regular handymen don’t have that equipment, and they probably won’t have the experience to know what to do with it.

You’ll also want to hire a mold cleanup professional that has insurance, which can make it much easier for you to get the services you need. The insurance may cover the entire process, from identifying and removing the mold to cleaning up any damaged property.

The cost of mold remediation is generally not cheap, but it’s a relatively minor expense compared to the damage that mold can do in your home and the health risks associated with breathing in mold spores. So, it’s worth the investment.

Fortunately, a simple search for “mold inspection and removal” on Google should give you a slew of options in your area. Just be sure to look for an established, reputable company that offers a free evaluation and quote!

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[quarterlifecenter]

4 Ways You Can Be Happier At Work

Do you complain about your job, feel irritable with coworkers, and/or dread going into work? It’s not unusual to get down about your job once in awhile, but chronic, every-day dissatisfaction demands a closer look. Maybe it’s time to find out what is going on!

My 4 tips for helping you be happier in your work are below—and they can help anyone.

But first, it’s helpful to take time to figure out exactly what is going on. One of the most common symptoms of a quarter life crisis is job dissatisfaction. For example, it is common for people in their 20s and 30s to begin wondering if they are in the right job, even though it is one that they used to enjoy. It is also common to start having irrational doubts about your competency. Regardless of the reasons, there are things you can do to help.

Before you start planning your exit strategy, explore these 4 ways to help you be happier in your work.

1. Tune into what you LIKE about the work you do.

Remember what it was that you liked about this job and why you took it in the first place. Has something changed? If so, figure out whether it is in your control to make your role more similar to what you initially envisioned (even if it is just your attitude). If not, or if you never really liked this job, it’s probably time to move on. Life is too short to spend your working hours miserable.

2. Advocate for yourself to get the appreciation you need.

Let’s admit it – we all need to feel appreciated. Unfortunately, managers often forget to verbalize their appreciation, which can lead you to doubt whether you’re valued and if your work is good enough. In addition to a lack of verbal feedback, like a simple “thank you,” there are other things that cause employees to feel unappreciated.

Some of the most commonly reported reasons that people feel unappreciated at at work are:

Being underpaid

Not getting a raise in a while

Not getting a promotion

Not being recognized for work on a project

Being denied a request for time off

Supervisors not making time for employee reviews

If any of this resonates with you, think about what you can do to remedy it. What needs to change? Is it time to ask for a raise? Would it be helpful to speak with your boss about your concerns? Are there changes you can make in your work that would get you a promotion? I cannot tell you exactly what to do because everyone’s circumstances are different. What I can tell you is to not be passive and don’t accept the status quo. Start small, seeking feedback in a way that bolsters your self-confidence and also highlights an accomplishment. Doing so may open a regular dialogue by showing that you are interested in feedback and are proactive about contributing to the mission of the organization.

3. Know your path.

Your path is your career journey that leads to the fulfilment of your vision. Sounds corny, right? But it’s so incredibly important. You have to know where you want to go, your current job has to be on the path leading there, AND you have to be figuratively moving. In other words, are you growing and is there potential for future growth?

When starting a new job, people usually feel like they’re growing because they’re adapting to a new job description, new work culture, new systems and procedures, and new personalities. After you settle into a job, the growth slows down or may completely stop. If you’re not aware that this is happening, it’s easy to become stagnant. This stagnation leads to boredom and burn out.

If you conclude that you are in a job on YOUR path and that there is opportunity for growth, identify ways in which you can be more challenged and stimulated. Perhaps, there are new skills you’d like to develop. Maybe there’s a new project or team you’d like to join or even lead. Be proactive.

4. Create work-life balance.

People think that “work-life balance” means working less. It doesn’t. Yes, there are those that work too much and simply do not make enough time for family, friends, and other pursuits. Those people don’t need me to tell them to work less—they know. There is something that can help everyone else who feels unfulfilled in their personal and work life: self-care.

Caring for yourself and your relationships outside of work can reduce job burnout.

How do you spend the time you are not at work, and is it fulfilling? If you are not taking care of yourself and your relationships, you can spend 90% of your time at the office, or only 20%, and still be equally dissatisfied with both work and life outside of work. On the flip side, if you take care of yourself and your relationships, you can work a lot and still be happy and satisfied, because the time you are spending outside of work is enriching and rejuvenating.

While it’s common, and necessary sometimes, to focus much of your attention on work when starting a new job, this can lead to burnout over time. It’s not a good long-term strategy if it’s interfering with your ability to take care of yourself (i.e., get enough sleep, exercise, eat well, socialize, and relax) and your relationships. A lot of people struggle with figuring out what enriches them, but it is so very important to do if one is to be happy at work and outside of work.

If you’re interested in scheduling an appointment or you’d like more information, please contact us.

[aeide-thea]

i’m too tired to actually make this post in an articulate way but i sure am having an upsurge of impostor angst lately about, like, maybe all my gender feelings are bullshit, maybe i just gotta accept that i’m a woman after all despite all the ways that concept chafes [also at first i typed ‘a woman who hates their’ and then was like ‘…hm i sure do seem to have failed that pronoun check lmao’ but also couldn’t bear to fix it so decided maybe rewording was the way to go]

which like, is partially about how i went to the grocery store today with Baby Sister while sporting an extremely butch outfit (men’s jean jacket open over men’s sweatshirt, men’s straight-leg jeans, red wings, hair… well, as you saw) and we still got ‘ladies’-ed by someone, why the fuck can i not escape this, does anything about my presentation say ‘this is a person who wants to be called a lady’????

and is partially about how i’ve been feeling pretty intensely and largely exclusively [look, adverbs were 2-for-1 at the store] attracted to men lately, or, well, one man anyway, and of course that isn’t an exclusively ~female~ activity, of course i know and believe that, but… at the same time most of my fellow fangirls are just that, and the nature of the discourse has tended to feel very Women 4 Dudez, and at a certain point it’s just like, god, i’m misgendering myself by osmosis here, because my instinct is always to align align align myself with the people around me…

and is partially probably also that i’m stuck in birthname childrole confinement rn, although of course that’s been true for years, but it’s 24/7 inescapable now

and is partially about how binding really isn’t that comfy but is the only method of body-alteration in my repertoire, so if i’m not always choosing to do that, because i’ve got enough weird lil stabby pains without taking more of them on voluntarily, then what does that say about the ~seriousness of my commitment~ or what the fuck ever

and probably also about other stuff i’m forgetting

and i just—obviously these are all such hothouse shut-in concerns, obviously also even if i were “really” a woman i’d be allowed to dress unfemininely and ask my friends [largely an imaginary set of people lol but i do like to imagine i can count some of you guys as that, at least] to use particular language for me and whatnot so in a sense it almost doesn’t matter what i “really am,” i know

and like, thinking this way hurts me whereas thinking of myself as agender/nb/variably but not negligibly transmasc/gq/etc feels much more freeing/pleasurable/instinctively correct (except of course insofar as it requires so much pushing at people constantly to create any space at all in which to be those things), and probably leaning into gender euphoria is its own justification, really

but i really am having a hard time lately with feeling like, i feel as though i’m (gender)queer, and being those things is really important to me, but i don’t quite see how on paper i can justify that feeling, given the material reality of my body and dominant attraction pattern lately… sure looks like i’m just a mostly-straight-right-now technically-woman who wants to feel special!

which is of course a line of thinking the existing system is very invested in encouraging in me, that like, straight and cis are the default and anything that isn’t definitively not-those probably is those, really

but i sure feel like a great honking hideous faker, you know?

anyway apologies for this extremely long and extremely boring post, i can only say that inhabiting this set of feelings on an ongoing basis is even more tiresome than reading one (1) post about it, so like, i do sympathize, i promise i’m bored of me too

[pileofmush]

is it a dream or is it all in the past?

pairing ➸ saiki kusuo x gn!reader

synopsis ➸ you, a memory-manipulating psychic, run into some trouble with your powers. it's a good thing saiki's there.

details ➸ tags: established friendship, hurt/comfort, fluff // cw: mentions of blood, a very brief mention of hospitals, reader's a lovable dummy, some prose // wc 2.9k

a/n ➸ this was ripped from my own oc multi-chapter fic. changes have been made to accommodate the loss of context. you can call it repurposed, lol.

««-------- ≪ °◇◆◇° ≫ --------»»

the sensation wasn’t so much of waking up as it was of being dragged out of the water, clothes sopping wet and your body racked with full-body trembles. though whether that was due to your temporary descent into madness or the relentless downpour was anybody’s guess.

you moaned, rubbing your temples as your senses came back to you one by one. you clung clumsily to the warm presence keeping you upright, it being the only thing keeping you from kissing the pavement. which was kind of them. you didn’t necessarily want to french cement.

speaking of, why wouldn’t the ground stay still? it wobbled underneath you like waves crashing against a shore, and unfortunately for you, you were not a pro surfer.

bummer.

but that was beside the point. there were (at least, you assumed so. your head was still kind of fuzzy) more pressing issues. such as, was it possible to get motion sickness from one’s own wonky optics? who knew. maybe the world was supposed to spin like a pinwheel during a hurricane, pretty colors blurring in the wind.

“that’s a hard no,” saiki answered, sounding weary even in your head.

yeah, he was probably right.

though… were hallucinations a cute new side-effect of your memory powers, or was that saiki?

“the one and only,” his voice rang out from above you, dreary and clear, though tinged with something you couldn’t identify. maybe exhaustion? god knew you knew the feeling.

but… that was strange. what was saiki doing here of all places, right now? now now, not then now.

was he stalking you? how sweet. you always knew he had a soft spot for you.

“do you know where you are?” the telepath asked, cutting through the nonsense.

you rubbed your eyes and looked past the dizziness and blurry vision, squinting. the woman, the one who offered you the umbrella (or was it a bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums?), stared at saiki and you, her round, dark eyes as wide as saucers. she stood there, on the sidewalk, frozen in place. it was a look, as espers, you'd both been on the receiving end of before. fear. plain as day, evident from the woman’s drawn-back brows and knocking knees.

oh, you thought to yourself as you began to put the pieces of the puzzle together. you were walking to school when you got trapped in a memory. the pungent scent of antisceptic. the woman– the then her, not the now her– brought yellow chrysanthums for her dying mother.

something must’ve happened in the time you blacked out, you figured. what that was exactly, you were unsure of. all you knew was that it probably wasn’t good and now saiki was here and oh–

he teleported. that’s how he got here.

of course. that explained the terrified looks; the quivering lips.

saiki said your given name, urgency within his tone, and you’d probably be a lot more distracted by how pleasantly the sound of your name rolled off his tongue if you weren’t already fixated on remedying the bewildering situation.

it was natural; easier than it should have been for you to wipe two people’s memories in one go, but that’s exactly what it was. easy.

the woman’s expression relaxed before morphing once more, small nose scrunched as she tried to reorient herself in reality with ten minutes’ worth of memories gone. it was uncanny: the warped effects of cognitive dissonance playing out right in front of you.

now rubbing her forehead, she muttered to herself as the rain continued to bounce against her umbrella. fortunately, one glare from saiki was all it took for the woman to scurry away, crossing the street and resuming her walk through the neighborhood like she didn’t just witness a rosy-haired, roach-cosplaying teenage boy teleport in broad daylight.

which, she technically didn’t. didn’t remember, at the very least.

saiki turned to face you. you seemed so small in that moment, curling in on yourself as you trembled. uniform sticking to your skin and hair plastered to your forehead, clumping together at the ends just past the nape of your neck. he watched the rain hit your eyelashes and plummet towards the ground with each wide-eyed blink.

“you’re bleeding,” he eventually said. accusatory.

you brought your fingertips to your ears, wincing at the sight of the blood coating your fingers. it was hypnotizing to watch the crimson blot thin in the rain, plopping against the asphalt and diluting with each raindrop.

“yeah,” you said. “it does that sometimes.”

there was something barbed about your gaze. saiki could feel it more than perceive it: your entire being thrumming to the beat of an anxious drum. an out-of-tune chord. a fracturing porcelain mask.

“hey,” you took a step back, worrying your upper lip as you got a proper look at him. eyes sweeping over him with concern. “are you okay?”

saiki blinked. shot you a glare that you were long immune to. “of course i’m okay.”

rain pitter-pattered at your feet. a pregnant pause.

“what’s wrong with me?” you eventually asked. half-rhetorical, half-not.

saiki drew in a breath. “i’d list it out for you, but we’d be here all day,” he drawled. your shoulders bunched, preparing to protest, or shove him, or something. “but...”

and then your shoulders straightened. “...but,” he repeated, gathering his thoughts. “this… your powers… that’s not your fault,” he asserted, reaching over and flicking you in the forehead. “don’t waste your time thinking otherwise.”

you let out a shaky laugh. “right.”

not quite done, saiki gave you one more flick for good measure. “and you’re fine now, aren’t you? so cut it out. no use freaking yourself out when cyborg cider-man no. two’s saved the day already.”

you barked out a laugh, harsh and choked, before it broke out into something a little more demented. you stood there– in the middle of the street– laughing the day away, shoulders shaking and mirth spilling out the edges.

saiki’s mouth twitched. “are you crying?” he questioned in disbelief.

“no,” you lied. “yes. just, give me a minute, would you?” you said, wiping the tears from the corners of your eyes with the back of your hand.

saiki rolled his eyes, but even he couldn’t stamp out the smile worming its way onto his face. “good grief.”

__..__

the pair of you agreed to make a pit-stop at your place. now warm and toasty thanks to saiki’s handy pyrokinesis powers, you were more than content to sprawl on the floor and live out the rest of your days as an inchworm. unfortunately, because the universe (read: saiki) enjoyed torturing you, you were regrettably kicked into gear.

“but why,” you whined as you were dragged from the crouch, fruitlessly kicking your feet as he effortlessly manhandled you.

“your ears need to be cleaned,” was his only reply, pulling you into the nearest bathroom. he immediately began rifling through your cabinets, gathering together a washcloth, unopened soap, and a towel with fluid, swift movements. you didn’t waste time wondering how he knew the contents of your bathroom better than you did— he knew everything, after all. he ran the cloth underneath the faucet, aware of the eyes boring into his back. “are you going to sit down or do i have to make you do that too?”

your knees unlocked at his ‘polite’ suggestion, plopping down on the toilet lid. “and they say chivalry is dead,” you mumbled under your breath— if nothing but to hold on to a shred of your dignity.

“just hold still.”

and for once, you relented.

saiki crouched, reaching over to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. your breath hitched, subconsciously leaning backward at the sudden proximity. insistent, he pressed forward, cupping your face with one hand and applying pressure to your ear with the other. it was a display of intimacy neither of you were used to, and neither of you would comment on. saiki did what he did best and pretended he was above it all.

and, really, what was there to say?

painfully aware of your own body, you tilted your head to give the psychic easier access, stomach twisting with the innate desire to protect the nape of your neck, which felt oddly vulnerable. goosebumps erupted across your skin at the light puffs of his breath fanning your neck. his movements were slow and deliberate— surprisingly gentle as he rubbed the warm washcloth across your earlobe. he traced the inside of your ear canal, nothing but hushed breaths exchanged between you.

not for the first time, you wondered of the exact shade of saiki’s eyes, their true color obscured by his obnoxious neon glasses. you’d caught glimpses of them from snippets of his past memories sure, plum-colored eyes usually aimed towards the sky in exasperation, but the desire to judge them for yourself announced itself once more.

“turn your head,” he instructed, pulling you out of your thoughts. you obliged, shivering slightly at the rumble of his voice directly in your ear, measured and subdued.

without another word he began working on your other ear, methodical, starting at the junction between your earlobe and jaw and working his way inwards. a comfortable silence stretched between the two of you, using the time to take a well-deserved breather.

“thanks, by the way,” you would eventually say, chewing your lip and avoiding the psychic’s penetrating gaze. it was simple; short. tacked on lazily, as if you were just remembering to offer your gratitude. as if it hadn’t been playing on loop in your mind the entire time. as if it wasn’t the only thing you was really sure of anymore. “i would offer to explain but…”

“i know,” saiki stood up, squeezed out the cloth in the sink and watched the blood drain, red ink against pale porcelain. he clucked his tongue at the faint trace of copper washing away.

a slow exhale. “right. ‘course you do.”

you stood up, thinking you were done, but were promptly pushed back down. “hey, what’s the big idea–” you started to complain, but your mouth snapped shut when your brain caught up to his contradictory actions.

saiki didn’t bother responding. instead, he pulled out the soft towel he scored and used it to nimbly dry your ears– ruffling your hair– and hung it around your shoulders once he was finished. you could barely comprehend it, hands reaching up to fix your hair, how oddly domestic he was being right now. it was so unlike him.

and, despite the fact that he was now done, he still hovered over you, not letting you get up and leave just yet. “what is it?”

saiki frowned as he studied you.

“would you give it up?” he finally asked.

it was your turn to frown. there was a certain gravity behind his question; a blanket of seriousness over the already perplexing day.

“your powers, if you had the chance,” the boy clarified.

give it up? you wondered. what a notion.

it was the first time the particular question had ever been posed to you in such a fashion. sure, you'd daydreamed about it once or twice. dared to fantasize about a different life, another universe maybe. one where you never developed psychic powers and never left japan and maybe, just maybe, where life would make a lick of sense. but never before had you ever entertained the illusion of choice.

why would you? you never got a choice. one day, your powers were just there. wham bam screw you ma’am— here’s a load of manure you’ve gotta sort through before you've even properly hit puberty— have fun with that!

it was crap.

and yet,

it was a part of you, wasn’t it?

would giving up your powers, if you had the chance, be like amputating a limb? was that how it even worked? or was it better to compare it to the loss of a skill, like the ability to ride a bike?

and better yet: which choice filled you with less guilt? less shame?

and… maybe this is why you avoided thinking about it in the first place.

you shrugged, hands tightening around the edges of the toilet seat. “…i dunno,” you muttered, shaking your head. “maybe. probably— on a day like this,” you admitted, finally meeting his eyes. “would you?”

“in a heartbeat.”

you expected the answer. you couldn’t blame him. if you were so easily overwhelmed by your own powers, you had no idea how the boy could even bear to stand, let alone function like a proper person. let alone be cognizant enough to be better than the average person. to not succumb to humanity’s baser instincts.

you couldn’t imagine being so burdened. you thought of atlas, prisoner of fate, the weight of the world on his shoulders. you pictured saiki, holding up the sky.

“how do you handle it all?” you'd sooner or later ask, slowly reaching up to prod at his bubblegum antennas, already knowing the answer (that was the problem with psychics. they already knew everything). saiki dipped his head for you, remarkably lenient. it was cute in a fantastical sort of way: two tiny gumballs on sticks.

saiki scowled and poked you in the ribs, pinching your cheek and tugging as penance for your misguided thinking. “first of all, they’re not antennas. they’re hairpins.”

“riiight. hairpins.”

that earned another pinch. “and they’re not ‘cute.’ they’re practical.”

“how foolish of me.”

“acknowledgment is the first step required to enact change.”

you snorted. “and what’s the second step? misery?”

“more importantly,” saiki said, pointedly ignoring the wild grin you tossed at him, “they’re limiters. what you see is only a fraction of my potential. an infinitesimally small fraction.”

you hummed in thought, letting the conversation lull into something a little contemplative, a little wistful. you read a book once about a man who could only see the world in binary and code. his life was nothing but inputs and outputs, meaningless numbers that made up something extraordinary and absurd.

was that what saiki saw, you wondered, when he looked at you? was that how he perceived the world?

it must be lonely.

the thought rippled through you like a riptide.

you couldn’t quite imagine that, saiki being lonely, when he fought so hard to get rid of his company in the first place— but he must’ve been, to some extent. even gods sought company amongst mortals to stave off the dreary nature of eternity, and saiki was no god.

so what did he do when it all got to be... too... much? was what you really wanted to know, your eyes searching for an answer that words couldn’t translate.

(flashes of a boy, all alone, at the bottom of the ocean. one of the only places where he felt whole, at one point.)

“i'll show you."

a hand was outstretched. you considered it for a moment before shrugging and taking it. his hand was silky and warm.

“okay.”

__...__

you had not an ounce of an idea of what your life had come to. it was measured in hot flashes of pain and fleeting glimpses of joy. in minutes that seemed to slog through eternity and days that whizzed like seconds. in the velvety rumble of your name and the strike of a match, threatening to douse your cheeks in fire.

your life was measured in the transient and elusive present, and the flutter of your heart— watered and sowed, threatening to blossom into something beautiful and fragile.

it was in the spilled ink of the sky and the gleaming speckle of stars smattered against its canvas: tiny white jewels framing the boundless potential that was the universe. the bitter chill of winter had nothing on the golden warmth that crept through your body, stretching across your heart and abdomen and seeping its way into the very tips of your fingers.

and god were the stars beautiful; and god, did you feel so small and so large and so—

loved.

and even still, the view was not quite as captivating as the boy beside you: solid and stoic and more kindhearted than he cared to let on. you were so aware of him. of the ever-present crease between his brows that begged to be smoothened out with your thumb. of the slender slope of his nose, and the delicate arc of his neck. reclined and gazing at the sky, it was evident that this was as much of a reprieve for him as it was for you. that he was as human as the worst of us.

that his humanity was the best of him.

yes, he was beautiful like this, you thought to yourself. a surprising notion, but true nonetheless. in fact, nothing you'd had ever known made as much sense before, the dots connecting like a constellation. there were things you could not recall and realities you could not discern, but yeah, saiki kusuo was pretty, and you were man enough to admit it.

“y’know, kusuo…” you started and trailed off, as if you were about to say something profound, before changing your mind. “thank you.”

and the both of you stayed like that, in the middle of nowhere, underneath the stars— hands splayed out; pinkies barely touching— contemplating loneliness, and beauty, and the distinction between divinity and humanity, and the sense of normalcy you were able to find within one another, if only for just a moment.

««-------- ≪ °◇◆◇° ≫ --------»»

[mbti-notes]

Hello there! I've been making my first attempts at typing through the cognitive functions, but I've been noticing that I seem prone to interpret Fe paired with Si as Fi, or vice versa with Fi-Se seeming like Fe to me. I'm an INFP myself, and I was wondering how this might affect my typing bias? Can the personal experiences embedded in Si combined with the service-oriented Fe appear to be Fi? Can Fe appear to be Fi when the person is drawing from personal experiences to project onto others to imagine what they must be feeling?

I don't think you're asking the right questions. I need to know what exact criteria you are using to identify each function. Are you able to list them? Do the criteria stop at surface-level observable behaviors, or are they designed to lead you to deeper knowledge of a person's cognitive patterns? Do you have a system? Unless you detail your type assessment process to me, there's no way for me to pinpoint and correct the flaws in the process.

Repeated use of the word "appear" indicates that you are probably too focused on appearances. Since appearances can be deceiving, you have to be able to reach beyond them, i.e., look inside the book rather than judging by its cover.

For instance, anyone of any type can be service-oriented. Some of the most service-oriented people I know are ESTJs. "Service-oriented" is just a simple and factual characteristic/trait. By itself, it doesn't tell you much about personality type. You won't get very far until you probe much deeper into things like: WHY exactly is the person service-oriented, how did they come to develop this trait, and what purpose does this trait serve in their psychology? Have you gone that deep?

1) Functions behave differently in different stack positions due to serving different psychological purposes, so can you tell which stack position a function is in (through knowledge of type dynamics)? Are you able to discern what the function is being used for psychologically? For example, when you're looking for Fe in ISFJs, are you looking specifically for how auxiliary Fe serves dominant Si, or are you just using generic/vague/stereotypical dominant Fe characteristics which could easily lead you astray?

2) It's necessary to collect sufficient evidence of all four cognitive processes (SNTF). For example, functions operate in oppositional pairs, so the high Fi or Fe mix-up could be remedied by making sure that there is also sufficiently strong evidence of low Te or Ti.

Generally speaking, no matter what type you are, when observing and evaluating other people, projection is always something to be taken into consideration, especially if you are at low levels of ego development. Projection is the unconscious attribution/application of one's own ego contents onto others. In other words, when you look at others, most of what you "see" is just a projected image of yourself, as opposed to the reality of who they are.

FPs are quite prone to projection because Fi automatically seeks points of personal relatability, which can seriously interfere with objectivity. One way to remedy this problem is to take yourself out of the equation as much as you can by understanding how other types think/feel very differently than you (i.e. try to put aside Fi+Si's search for similarity by doing the opposite). For example, if an INFP and an ISFJ are both service-oriented, what makes this trait different for them when compared to you? The behavior looks roughly the same on the surface, but how is the cognition different underneath the surface?

As a newbie with limited knowledge, you might not be able to identify cognitive differences through observation only. A big part of learning about the cognitive differences between the types comes from experience, specifically, talking to people and taking more time to understand the details of how they think differently. My Function Theory Guide already outlines the theoretical principles and it's up to you to look for the concrete examples in people.

[informationsorter]

Let's talk about self diagnosing.

(This is purely a personal opinion piece.)

CW: Descriptions of hypothetical physical injury.

So I'm going to start off by immediately settling your minds - I believe self diagnosis can be both good and bad. I’m not here to judge, gatekeep, or vilify. *************************************************************

A quick overview of the sections: 3 problems/examples. 5 questions/opinions.

 *************************************************************

Determining that you have an issue, does not mean that it is the only issue.

Lets start with a hypothetical example where the self diagnosis is obviously correct:

- You've fallen down the stairs. - You can see a bone sticking out of your leg. - You deduce that you have broken your leg.

This is almost certainly accurate, as there is no healthy explanation for the visible evidence.

However, this may not be the whole story.

What we’re really doing in this situation is identifying symptoms and possible/probably causes.

The symptoms are: - Pain. - Visible evidence of a broken bone. - Visible evidence of wounded skin. - Probably experiencing shock - Pale, cold, clammy skin. Shallow, rapid breathing. Anxiety. Rapid heartbeat. Etc.

The probable diagnosis: A broken leg bone.

When you arrive at the hospital, they will do an x-ray. They may discover additional injuries, for instance the bone may be broken in several places, a tendon may have been severed.

Their treatment of your issues relies on the full knowledge that they are able to learn via their tests. If they (somehow) were to treat only your broken bone and the flesh wound, you would likely end up with further health problems as the extra broken bones were not set properly, and the severed tendon would not heal on it's own.

This is a rather ridiculous example of course, but that's why I started with it.

You may believe that you know what the issue is, but if you do not have the right equipment/training, you may not be able to identify the full extent of the issue.

Even if you know what the issue is, you may not be able to determine the full impact of it.

For example: - You notice that whenever you eat citrus, your mouth and tongue start tingling/going numb. There may be also be symptoms such as sweating, feeling faint, swelling of lips/tongue. You conclude that you are allergic to citrus. You act on this by avoiding citrus. That’s all fine and reasonable. However, with this information you only know that you have a reaction to citrus. You don’t know the full extent. Are you mildly allergic? Are you at risk of anaphylactic shock? Sometimes you do not need to know the full extent (in this example you can simply avoid lemon). But sometimes you DO need to learn everything you can about it, in order to live the best life possible. 

Especially when the issue is not something easily avoided such as a minor food allergy.

You might group all of your symptoms together, leading to you accidentally obscuring one issue by presenting it as another.

(An example using some of my own symptoms & past trauma experiences.)

You have diagnosed yourself with autism based on the following symptoms:

- Difficulty forcing eye contact with others.

- Inability to read the invisible social cues that neurotypical’s can see/read.

- Discomfort/anxiety in social settings / large groups.

- An extreme feeling of mental shutdown in response to loud noises/music.

These could indeed be symptoms of autism, however they can also be symptoms of other issues in play.

For instance, discomfort or anxiety in social settings could be due to an anxiety disorder.

The loud noises/music may mimic sounds from traumatic events - initiating flashbacks or fight/flight/freeze instincts.

You go to a therapist.

Your therapist listens to your concerns and symptoms, and looks for other explanations for these symptoms.

This is to ensure that the diagnosis they give you will be accurate, and thus the treatment you receive will be the most effective treatment possible for you.

If you did not go to the therapist with this, you may have been able to deal with the autism symptoms fairly well, but the anxiety and PTSD would go untreated. Your problems would not go away, because you weren’t treating ALL of your issues.

When do I believe it is acceptable to self diagnose without seeking professional verification of your self diagnosis?

- When the issue/symptoms do not affect your life in any substantial way;

- When the issue is self evident;

- When there is no indication that there is an unseen element;

- When the issue does not require urgent or extensive treatment.

Eg: Mild allergy to citrus, which can easily be avoided in your daily life.

In this sort of case, I believe it is important to stay aware of the symptoms and immediately seek a professional opinion if there is a change in severity, frequency, or perceived cause, of these symptoms.

Eg: One day you have a drink that had a lemon wedge on the rim, and the symptoms are far stronger, or appear far sooner, than they used to.

Or:

One day you have the same reaction, but you did not consume any citrus.

When do I believe that it is helpful to ask a professional to confirm/refute your self assessment?

Always.

There may be situations where the professional can’t offer any treatment (eg: a mild food allergy, where avoiding it is all that can be done). But if you feel anxiety over the uncertainty of it, and you want a professional assessment, diagnosis, or testing, you are of course entitled to it.

Whether it pinpoints a cause, or rules out a cause, finding out for sure will increase the chances of you receiving appropriate treatment.

Additionally, professional tests and assessments can identify previously unnoticed symptoms and/or issues.

(Such as additional injuries in example 1, or separate disorders in example 3.)

Do I believe that you should tell your health professional that you have self-diagnosed / self-assessed your symptoms?

Yes.

Especially with mental health issues, where your therapist’s assessment of you may be affected erroneously by them noticing that you are holding something back.

They may believe you are uncomfortable with them, or have some trust issues which you may not have.

If you simply tell your therapist that you have recorded your symptoms and searched for answers on your own, the therapist will be able to make a more accurate assessment of you.

It also gives them a good starting point, as they immediately know that the issue is concerning to you, and that you are ready to seek help for it.

Any health professional worth their training should be able to understand that you seeking explanations for your symptoms is natural, and should be willing to look into something that you are concerned about.

Eg: I told my GP (physical health doctor) that I was concerned about a specific lung condition which seemed to fit symptoms that I had been experiencing for over a decade. He listened, he asked further questions, he performed tests for the condition I had brought up, and he performed tests for other possible explanations.

In the end he determined that I did not have that condition, and we went from there.

Why do health professionals dislike self-diagnosis?

The issue with self diagnosis is that a patient can become convinced that they have something that they do not actually have.

This can lead to the patient: - Misinterpreting symptoms - Ignoring symptoms which do not fit their self-diagnosis - Unintentionally manifesting somatic symptoms which fit the self-diagnosis (this refers to a patient believing they have a condition, and their body beginning to show those symptoms. This is not the same as purposefully faking.) - Refusing testing for something other than their self-diagnosed issue - Refusing to accept that there may be a different issue - Refusing to accept that there may be additional issues - Resorting to self-help remedies which may be ineffective or actively dangerous to the patient

They aren’t just being difficult or elitist - they are concerned that your self-diagnosis may impact their ability to accurately diagnose and help you.

This is a particular concern when the health professional doesn’t know you well enough to be able to determine how much your belief will impact your symptoms, or whether you will be open to treatment if they determine a diagnosis which conflicts with your self-diagnosis.

Your health professional has YOUR health and safety in mind.

(If you believe this isn’t true, you should seek a second opinion.)

Should your health professional just accept your self-diagnosis?

It is your therapist’s duty to independently assess your symptoms, and possible causes for those symptoms.

It is not an attack on you, it is not a sign of distrust.

Think of it like scientists - they don’t just say “oh well that guy’s experiment showed these results, so they must be correct.” They go out and duplicate the experiment to check their results against the original results.

Yes, it’s not a perfect metaphor. No two people’s life experiences are the same. No two people’s brains will react identically to the same thing.

But the spirit is the same - in both cases, doing the extra work is to ensure that the stated result is accurate, NOT to discredit or demean the person who originally stated it.

  What if you are certain you have a certain issue, and will not be persuaded otherwise?

I urge you to rethink this, and open your mind.

You want to heal from whatever it is that is interfering with your best life.

You want answers.

You want validation that such-and-such issue isn’t a personal failing but a neuro-divergency.

Those are great goals, but the best way to find the truth is to be open to explanations that you may not like.

And the only way to know it’s the truth, is to be honest and objective about yourself.

[buckleyydiaz]

torn at the edges

pairing: tony dinozzo/timothy mcgee

length: 1.4k

description: fuck rule 6, tony decided, and fuck rule 12. they weren't worth it if they were hurting mcgee like that.

---

Tony fiddled with the corners of the envelope that sat, sealed on his desk. Despite his urge to read what was enclosed within the crisp white paper, the nagging dread held his fingers back from ripping it open, instead just leaving the very edges of the seal bent and nearly torn.

There was no questioning who it was from, or what it was regarding - Tony knew from the moment he first saw it atop a pile of unfinished paperwork, set aside the previous night in favour of prospective alternatives, which had, at the time, seemed far more joyous than slaving away at his desk till some god-only-knows hour of the morning. As such, the butterflies within his stomach - not butterflies though, of course, something much more manly, and strong, and more Anthony DiNozzo like - were not a result of some memory he tried to bury deep in the back of his brain being unearthed, instead it was simply what it seemed; Tony was just stuck with an asphyxiating fear of what the words within, surely having been typed on that goddamned typewriter, and what they had to say.

His usually decisive mind fretted about what he was to do, as the timer ticked down before Gibbs made his mind up for him, sick of Tony’s messy thoughts flowing through the whole office, creating a generally unpleasant and on-edge atmosphere. Taking one last look at the empty desk to the side of his own, he tore the seal of the envelope open, without any care or finesse, pulling the letter out as quickly as he could, his mind now past the question of whether or not to open it, only now curious about what was contained within.

Skimming his eyes over the words on the page, Tony found that as he had predicted, written - or rather typed - in the signature style of the man who should have been sitting to his right as of well over an hour ago, but instead had been overcome with what had been skeptically announced by the boss as the flu, with a very pointed look delivered straight to DiNozzo, a clue containing Gibbs’s usual lacking level of subtlety, telling him that even if the note did contain the plague as one of a similar staging had years ago, that was the least of his worries, in the case that he failed to fix his fuck up.

Shuddering at the reminder of that certain set of consequences, Tony simultaneously felt vicious waves of regret pulling him under as he read what was written. Honest words from a heartbroken man, he quickly identified, all too used to hearing words that shared a remarkable similarity, but not from his best friend -- just from women who had read into something never meant to mean anything.

What only worsened the remorse was the knowledge that it was his fault - Tony wasn’t any stranger to self-flagellation, but in this case, it was more deserved than the majority. Instead of pausing, taking a breath, even just spending one fucking moment thinking about what he should say, he had just let his mouth speak without a second thought, bullshit pouring out as easily as it ever had, words that meant nothing, despite the perfect opportunity to say everything that actually meant something.

Reading what Tim had to say only set his regrettable words on repeat, a bad movie that he couldn’t turn off, no matter how hard he tried to do that very thing. Fuck Rule 6, he declared to himself, and fuck Rule 12. They had failed him this time.

“I think that the Probie could do with some soup, since he’s so sick.” Tony announced, pulling his jacket off the back of his chair, looking to Gibbs, who nodded, a wordless response that he took as approval to up and leave, to do far more important things than complete the ever-piling paperwork.

---

The drive to McGee’s apartment happened almost without Tony’s awareness, his focus solely on his destination, and what - or rather who - he would find, rendering him oblivious to the brief journey. His fingers tapped a rhythm on the steering wheel of his car, a symptom of his restless mind that simply would not settle until things were, for lack of a better word, settled, with McGee.

Once he parked, Tony couldn’t quite pull himself to get out of the car and speak to Tim. It was strange - he had always been a man of action, and previously, his conviction to fix what he had broken between them had seemed unbreakable - but in this case, it seemed daunting to do what was necessary. After a moment of letting his own nerves overwhelm him, Tony decided that the fact it was so intimidating was reason enough to do it. There was no way he was going to let a mere conversation get the better of him.

Setting aside his apprehension, Tony knocked on the door twice, waiting for a response from the man inside.

“I’m fine Abs, you don’t need to be here.”

Tony couldn’t help but laugh, despite the situation that lay beyond the door that he was more than dreading. Although tempted to mock Tim’s mistake in identifying who he was, he figured that in this case, it probably was better not to, to choose not to be an asshole. The last thing he needed was another thing to apologise for.

“I think you’ll find that I’m not Abby, McGeek.”

Okay, so not entirely un-teasing, but better than he could have been. There was a moment of silence, which Tony assumed was Tim deciding whether he wanted to take a trip down the fire escape stairs to get away from the looming conversation, before heavy footsteps came towards the door, followed towards the clicking of the lock.

The door opened in front of him to his friend looking… worse for wear, certainly. While never as preoccupied as Tony with how he appeared, he was generally not a slob when dressing, going to some effort to look semi-presentable when he expected visitors, but that wasn’t remotely visible in his current outfit.

That wasn’t at all to say that Tony didn’t think Tim looked absolutely adorable in his worn old hoodie and sweatpants, with an expression that looked equal parts sad and pissed off, but entirely pathetic.

Yeah, Tony wasn’t remotely sure how he had almost let McGee slip through his fingers - actually, he knew exactly how, and it had everything to do with years of intimacy issues that probably stemmed from a neglectful childhood or something or other, but it was hardly the time and place to unpack all that - so he returned to his plan to remedy that.

“I got your letter, McWriter, and I-”

“Stop it, Tony,” He was cut off, McGee clearly not wanting to hear what he had to say (not that Tony blamed him at all for that). “I don’t need you to make fun of me any more. It was bad enough for me to tell you… that in the first place, and then the letter. Can we just leave it in the past and move on?”

Tony almost felt bad for shaking his head at Tim’s plea, clearly oblivious to what Tony had in fact come to say. He let the silence sit stagnant for a second, before attempting to make a casual confession.

“Y’know, Tim, I’ve had a thing for you from when you were so green that just looking at a dead body made you green in the face.”

It was as though the words took a few moments to enter McGee’s head, and then another couple to process, the whirring of a computer working overtime could just about be heard through the pin-drop silence. Even when the words did seem to make their way through McGee’s brain, he only tilted his head, as though puzzled by what Tony was sure were perfectly clear words.

He scrunched his face up, deep in thought, before Tony decided enough was enough, and it was time to put him out of his misery.

“I’m into you, Tim. I’m sorry for not saying this before, but given how little your brain seems to be processing right now, I’m sure you understand how I felt. How about we break rule 12 together.”

Tony watched, heavily amused, as McGee’s jaw fell slack and his eyes opened wide, before he began spluttering for words to say.

“You...what? Y- uh-”

After a moment, Tony figured it was only fair to put the poor guy out of his misery and took a step towards him, leaning in until their faces were only centimetres apart.

“Is this okay?” he asked a still speechless McGee, who only nodded, before Tony pulled him even closer.

[hellychatmedia]

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[sisterssafespace]

Asalaam alaikum.. can you advise on how to deal with anxiety?

و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته 🤍

أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم،

ٱذۡهَبۡ إِلَىٰ فِرۡعَوۡنَ إِنَّهُۥ طَغَىٰ (24) قَالَ رَبِّ ٱشۡرَحۡ لِي صَدۡرِي (25) وَيَسِّرۡ لِيٓ أَمۡرِي (26) وَٱحۡلُلۡ عُقۡدَةٗ مِّن لِّسَانِي (27) يَفۡقَهُواْ قَوۡلِي (28) وَٱجۡعَل لِّي وَزِيرٗا مِّنۡ أَهۡلِي (29) هَٰرُونَ أَخِي (30) ٱشۡدُدۡ بِهِۦٓ أَزۡرِي (31) وَأَشۡرِكۡهُ فِيٓ أَمۡرِي (32) كَيۡ نُسَبِّحَكَ كَثِيرٗا (33) وَنَذۡكُرَكَ كَثِيرًا (34) إِنَّكَ كُنتَ بِنَا بَصِيرٗا (35) قَالَ قَدْ أُوتِيتَ سُؤْلَكَ يَا مُوسَى (36)

24. Go to Pharaoh; He has transgressed.” 25. He said, “My Lord, put my heart at peace for me. 26. And ease my task for me. 27. And untie the knot from my tongue. 28. So they can understand my speech. 29. And appoint an assistant for me, from my family. 30. Aaron, my brother. 31. Strengthen me with him. 32. And have him share in my mission. 33. That we may glorify You much. 34. And remember You much. 35. You are always watching over us.” 36. [Allāh] said, "You have been granted your request, O Moses

ٱذۡهَبَآ إِلَىٰ فِرۡعَوۡنَ إِنَّهُۥ طَغَىٰ (43) فَقُولَا لَهُۥ قَوۡلٗا لَّيِّنٗا لَّعَلَّهُۥ يَتَذَكَّرُ أَوۡ يَخۡشَىٰ (44) قَالَا رَبَّنَآ إِنَّنَا نَخَافُ أَن يَفۡرُطَ عَلَيۡنَآ أَوۡ أَن يَطۡغَىٰ (45) قَالَ لَا تَخَافَآۖ إِنَّنِي مَعَكُمَآ أَسۡمَعُ وَأَرَىٰ (46)

43. Go to Pharaoh. He has tyrannized. 44. But speak to him nicely. Perhaps he will remember, or have some fear.” 45. They said, “Lord, we fear he may persecute us, or become violent.” 46. He said, “Do not fear, I am with you, I hear and I see.

Surat Ta Ha (20) - طه 🤍

Dear sister, I found myself starting with these two passages that are of my absolute favorite passages in the holy Quran in general and in Surat Ta Ha in particular because in my mind when I hear the word anxiety it always connects to surat Ta Ha or what I love to call my anti-anxiety pill. Alhamdulillah.

Now why these passages? It might not be known or talked about a lot, but these verses are a proof that prophet Musa (as) had anxiety. In these verses, Allah swt orders him to go speak to the pharaoh, arguably the most tyrannizing criminal that this earth has seen. This task spikes prophet Musa's anxiety and in the first passage he asks Allah swt to (relax his chest) put his heart at peace and ease his affairs, then he requests support from a family member, his brother Harun (as) - and it is also interpreted that prophet Musa (as) had speech impairment, he has problems in his speech? Thus the " untie the knot from my tongue " duaa he made for Allah swt, so he needed to be also backed up by his brother. Can you imagine the amount of anxiety he must have been feeling and going through? Not only the Lord of the Worlds was directly speaking to him ( a surreal supernatural experience ) but also He swt was giving him such a BIG task! I mean sis! I have a thesis I need to finish and it feels like there is a mountain sitting on my chest 24/7, even when I sleep at night I have nightmares about it. And whenever I have to make an important phone call or go into the principal's office at work, I get the whole rapid heartbeats, stomachache, joint pain, shaky voice and whatnot. You know the drill.. Anyways, back to Musa (as), so what does Allah swt say? He swt doesn't tell him that he (Musa) is crazy or delusional, He swt doesn't accuse him of lack of faith, or of being dominated by the Shaytan's waswasah (whispers) like these now Shaykhs throw at us. He swt is the all-knowing, the most just, the most fair, the most merciful and the most gracious. He swt not only acknowledges prophet Musa (as)'s fear and immediately reassures him and calms his heart : you have been granted your request! " Ya Allah.. this gets me every time wallahi.

You know what's the thing we need the most when our anxiety hits? Reassurance. Full stop. Reassurance silences all the voices inside our heads, calms us down, puts our hearts to ease. And what a better place to get reassurance from other than Allah swt?

And Allah swt does it again, further down in the Surah, when faces with the task again prophet Musa (as) voices his worries again, and Allah swt doesn't get fed up with him, doesn't accuse him of being a coward or annoying.. He swt patiently assures him that He swt is with him and with his brother, He swts hears and listens. I once heard a tafseer for this verse that compares it to a mother's love, when her child goes out to play and she will reassure them by saying she is around not far away she could see them from the window and hear them if they need anything. How comforting, sübhanallah.

With that being said and clarified, let me cut to the chase before the post gets too long.

The first step to dealing with your anxiety is to actually accept it. Never be ashamed of it. It is something that even a high-ranking prophet experienced. It is not a sin, it is not your fault, it is just the way your brain is wired. And it is something that Allah swt is testing you with. And the first step to pass your test is to actually acknowledge and accept it. For me, it felt like my whole life made sense the moment I was diagnosed with anxiety. When my therapist actually uttered the words, which wasn't a long time ago, I felt so sorry for all the girls that I have been, throughout the different stages of my life whom had to struggle and push through the pain, the dilemma, the countless anxiety attacks and made it through without actually knowing what they had, while being called crazy, gaslit, disregard, attacked, humiliated, mocked, bullied, etc.. for something that they didn't do nor did they understand. So my first advice to you is to befriend your anxiety, you win nothing by fighting it and making it your enemy. On the contrary, she (oh trust me it's a she, lmao) is a part of who you are, to the point that it could define some of your personality traits, she lives in your head rent free, she is not going anywhere anytime soon, so you better make peace with her. Rejecting, hating, attacking, blaming your anxiety will only make it worse.

Another basic advice is to actually study it, learn it, identify your triggers, be in tone with your body, pay attention to your mood changes, your heart rate, the stomach pain, or whatever symptoms you experience, and identify the act or event or task that generated and triggered those symptoms. That's how you find your triggers, and then next time when you anticipate that thing, you could go through it in your head, you could rehearse or make plans, you could take all your precautions and whatnot.

As for remedies, I am no therapist, so I am not allowed to prescribe anything, but I do take pills myself when necessary. God knows sometimes it gets too much. Breathing helps. Deep thorough breaths from the tummy, they can help calm your heartbeats.. if when you feel anxious about something you would have the time to read some Quran then please do it, it really calms you down and distracts you from the problem even momentarily. Umm, you can listen to your comfort audio (be it a quran recitation or something like I have already mentioned in the post earlier today), talk to someone who makes you comfortable, whether a parent, a partner, a sibling, a best friend... and finally, I will give you my therapist's golden tip: if it doesn't work, ASK FOR HELP.

And eventually, always go back to Allah swt, the source of all comfort, the source of all reassurance and the source of all good. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Allah said, 'I am to my slave as he thinks of Me, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him). So always try to think (after you are done freaking out 😅) that Allah swt has got you, and that probably all the bad things that you are scared of won't even come true. Allah swt is the most merciful and the most gracious, He swt is the best of planners and no one has out best interest more than the Pne who created us. Alhamdulillah.

Tbh, I could go on about this for days, but I think I have written the longest answer for an ask in the history of Tumblr. So imma stop here.

I will leave you with 3 very meaningful duaas that are supposed to be recited in the morning and evening adhkar, try to incorporate them in your daily routine, and you will soon notice the difference, bi idhn Allah :)

- بسم الله الذي لا يضر مع اسمه شيء في الأرض و لا في السماء و هو السميع العليم ×3

In the name of Allah with whose name nothing is harmed on earth nor in the heavens and He is The All-Seeing, The All-Knowing. x3

حسبي الله لا إله إلا هو عليه توكلت وهو رب العرش العظيم ×7

Allah is sufficient for me, none has the right to be worshipped except Him, upon Him I rely and He is Lord of the exalted throne. x7

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَافِيَةَ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالآخِرَةِ، اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَفْوَ وَالْعَافِيَةَ فِي دِينِي وَدُنْيَايَ وَأَهْلِي وَمَالِي، اللَّهُمَّ استُرْ عَوْرَاتي، وآمِنْ رَوْعَاتي، اللَّهمَّ احْفَظْنِي مِنْ بَينِ يَدَيَّ، ومِنْ خَلْفي، وَعن يَميني، وعن شِمالي، ومِن فَوْقِي، وأعُوذُ بِعَظَمَتِكَ أنْ أُغْتَالَ مِنْ تَحتي ×1

O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in this life and the next. O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in my religious and worldly affairs, and my family and my wealth. O Allah, veil my weaknesses and set at ease my dismay, and preserve me from the front and from behind and on my right and on my left and from above, and I take refuge with You lest I be swallowed up by the earth

P.s. you should know that I have written this answer for hours, taking as many breaks as my heart and my mind needed. I hope I managed to make a good enough answer for you 🤍.

May Allah swt calm your worries, and grant your heart sakinah and reassurance. Ameen.

Stay safe my dear, and don't hesitate to talk to me whenever it gets too much.

- A. Z. 🍃

[air-in-words]

My Sorting Hat Chats Journey

So, hi! I'm back!

I've been doing fun stuff off in the real world, but I decided to talk a little bit about my own Sorting Hat Chats sorting journey, and how it says a lot about self-acceptance, and how understanding who you really are can sometimes only come from being an active participant in life. Here we goooo...

The Beginning

So, my initial sorting was a Burnt Badger/Bird. This had struck me, because I'd never considered myself a Badger in ANY media. I was seen by my friends as a borderline loner, someone who didn't need anyone else. And yet, all the signs were there.

Looking back on my life, I've always migrated in groups, always looked for a nesting ground, and truly that's all I want. A place to nest, a place to rest, where I can feel safe and surrounded by people who love me. But, after a childhood filled with bullying, I found myself embarrassed of my bold face need for friends, and, for some reason, decided getting too close to people for too long was unwise, so I could probably never have a permanent home. And yet, I always found myself in these little "groups," little packs of people that all travel together.

I've always had these friend groups, where everyone knows each other, we all hang out together, and yet it always manages to eventually fall apart. I asked one of my friends how this keeps happening, and who keeps setting up these groups. She blinked sort of vaguely and said, "uh, you do." It was such a strange realization to look back and see myself as the "shepherd" I was, always creating a flock wherever I went. I had always been the spoke of my friend wheels, the only one that was friends with everyone, or actively tried to be friends with everyone. And I would attempt to hold it together, but it would always ultimately shatter, and I'd leave to find and form another. Family is important to me, and it isn't enough for me to bond with one person. I like for all my friends to be friends with each other, for us all to hang out together and enjoy each other's company.

So, although I still struggle, Burnt Badger came out on top, and I believe is still at the top to this day. I still search for belonging. I still search for family. And, yet, my heart seems to have no intention of unburning. Until recently, I had no idea why.

On the other hand, the secondary I received, Bird, seemed to fit like a glove, and was very obvious to me. I've been called the Encyclopedia before, I was made fun of for being caught reading the dictionary like it was a book, and I always seem to have a "fun fact" for every occasion. And all of this seemed to flow directly into me trying to use these facts and this knowledge to win people over, to get to see me as someone that could be their friend, or that I could be reliable as a member of their "group." So, Burnt Badger/Bird simply made sense. The reasons for me avoiding unburning my primary were irrelevant.

The Now

I'd been gone from this side of Tumblr for a bit, and decided to return on a whim. Saw @wisteria-lodge still posting as much as ever, and saw a lot of my posts had been passed around in the meantime (thank ya by the way) and decided to dive back in, because since then, so much of my life has changed. I've had certain people out of my life for a while that were a hindrance on my self-acceptance, I've moved out of my childhood home, and left a job I've had for the past 5 years. I've been forced to constantly LIVE, to make choices, actual choices, and have been offered the chance to be who I truly am, unapologetically.

So, I took the quiz again, curious if I would come up any different.

I got Burnt Badger/Burnt Snake.

This time, I was almost insulted. A flush of memories, of past feelings came to me, most of all the need to push back, to insist in exasperation I'M NOT A LIAR, as though I was tired of defending myself. As hard as I tried, I somehow couldn't seem to get Bird secondary to reappear.... at all. Which was so crazy, because before, that was pretty much all I could get.

So, I went to the experts, the aforementioned wisteria-lodge and @sortinghatchats .

I looked through the Snake secondary tags and found myself lost in memories I had pushed down, so far down even I couldn't find them, wracked with shame and a need to hide this side of myself, something I'd hidden so well I'd pretty much convinced myself it had never existed.

Being a Bird had always been a choice for me. I decided that was what people must want, becoming intelligent, knowing all of these things, showing off, that would make people like me. But, although I can devour books like nobody's business, and I tend to worry and whinge before every major decision, feeling unprepared, I would always find myself falling short of my own expectations. The amount of times I'd promised myself and others to create a plan and study hard, ultimately fail to do so, and then lie to everyone about it was astounding. My public image continued to be "air-in-words the smart girl" but my private image was still LIAR and FAKE.

I would still somehow get all A's. I was very good at remembering facts and excellent at taking tests. I always thought of them like little tricks themselves, meant to trip you up, but if you paid attention, you could figure out the patterns and be able to bluster your way through stuff you might not even fully understand. You can figure out certain words through context clues, and I was always very comfortable trusting my memory with little preparation beforehand. And yet, I still lied and told everyone I'd studied, at least as a child, before high school.

Math was what eventually messed me up, and sent my self-image whirling into the ground. My grades suddenly went from straight A's to D's and F's. My parents were aghast, what had happened??? I was so intelligent, so smart, such a good student. What had gone wrong?? And, although I never admitted it outloud to them, I knew the answer. With math, you can't trick your way out. You either know how to do it and give the right answer, or you don't. And I had never studied a day in my life, never practiced, never worked hard at all. It was my horrible little secret and math had outed me. It continues to out me, because rather than actually work at it and get better, I managed to keep my grades through high school afloat by leaning on my other grades and taking remedial math courses with a teacher who loved me very much and would let me off easy. To this day, honestly, I can barely count. I might actually have some form of dyscalculia, but I know that if I were willing to try a little harder I could get better. But, why would I do that, when this way works just fine? Just coasting through? But, again, no one could know. Not even myself.

Through high school, I began letting people in on my secret Snake, because being a "slacker" was suddenly cool. I still couldn't let my parents know, or the teachers, but coming clean about not being a keener was what earned me new friend groups. I wasn't some weirdo who actually studied all the time: I was a kid who maybe did 60-70% of my homework and slid by on my good memory and general interest in learning. And my reputation. My reputation was key to my success.

College would be the thing that completely threw me to the ground. There were simply too many sirens singing at me, distractions pulling me away from my work. I'd never looked less like a Bird than in college. I was always skipping class, always not studying, and in fact, would openly fail most of my courses. And I just didn't seem to care. I slid into what I guess must have been a sort of neutral zone, but I wasn't happy. The mask was slipping off and I needed out. I couldn't keep up this charade anymore. It was stifling, trying to be a Bird, going to college for a very Bird degree, surrounded by actual Birds, it was all very much what I didn't want. I wanted something less "academic," less, well, boring. Maybe more Snake like.

And, so, here we are. Currently dropped out of college, living in an apartment with my friend, away from my parents' prying eyes, and with a new job that I chose for myself. On the brink of finally understanding myself, and maybe accepting myself as I am.

My Badger primary is burned because of my Snake secondary. Because I thought I was a sham, a liar, a con, and I didn't feel like I deserved to have people close to me. Those traits are bad, and I was a bad person. No one should be tricked by me.

But, after reading some of the stories from the experts and other Snake secondaries, I found this crazy thought, that perhaps being this way isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm not a bad person. Maybe it's okay to be who I am. Maybe I can use these "powers" for good, and they aren't inherently evil.

So, at least for now, I'm choosing to identify as Burnt Badger/Burnt Snake with Bird Model. Seeing how it feels to accept myself and not try and force myself to be who I think I should be, or who others want me to be (which is a Snake secondary thing in the first place. Lol!)

For Fun, Here's Some Crazy Actual Snake Secondary Things I've Done That I'm Trying to Be Less Ashamed of Now

When I was little, I used to make up crazy stories about things I'd done to seem more interesting. The one that makes me cringe the most is that my uncle has a statue in his backyard that comes to life and goes on adventures with me. My uncle DID have a statue in his backyard that I really loved but no, it didn't (and still hasn't) come to life.

Some of these, I can't explain, like this one, where I somehow had more than one teacher convinced I'd handed in every piece of homework before the one I was giving them the sob story about that day. I literally had a teacher look me in the face, tell me I'd been handing in my homework really well thus far and knew I was trustworthy, so they'd let me slide with no mark against me. Meanwhile, I had missed the homework for the past THREE WEEKS IN A ROW. I just smiled and let it go. Variations of this situation happened throughout high school and college. And, no, I had no good reason not to do the homework. I just didn't want to do it. Lol.

I usually live in the "neutral state" around my close friends, since I think it's disrespectful not to be straight with them, but I have had to turn it on to help them occasionally. One of my friends was having issues with an ex of hers, she was thinking that maybe she should go back out with the guh, and I had been my blunt, neutral self the whole time, telling her flat out that that was a bad idea. But, it wasn't working. "Neutral state" isn't like a Lion's forceful natural state, I guess. So, I decided I would have to push her in a certain direction to help her get through it. I told her she should go back out with him, and although she did sort of call me out for lying, knowing I didn't actually want that, I told her she should if she really think she should. The dude didn't last one date without showing his ass again, and she thanked me for making her do that. Lol.

Finally, at least for this list, my most prized shameful memory, is when I was taking an acting class in college. We were supposed to create a wordless scene as our final, and I hadn't prepared anything, so I just skipped the day we were supposed to do them. But, I decided to show up for the last day to see if I could still somehow pass. She's going through the grades, and looks up and asks me, "I don't have anything written down for you, I can't remember, did you give a performance or not?" I knew I hadn't then, but decided to give one now. I told her yes I had done one, don't you remember came up with a name on the fly. The same friend from the last story was staring at me like she was about to burst. She thought for a moment, then exclaimed, "ah, of course! Yes, I think I remember. I remember you'd done pretty well. What grade did I give you?" I hedged my bets and said A-. Lol. I had never been filled with more pride shame in my life.

[be11atrixthestrange]

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Here’s an angsty DH tent fic I wrote for @voldemorts-tap-shoes! Enjoy some passive-aggressive romione flirting! And special thanks to @remedial-potions for organizing the 2020 HPRomione Discord Secret Santa Exchange! (And for writing my summary!)

-------------------------

Summary: Ron's journey as he seeks forgiveness from Hermione upon returning to the horcrux hunt, and how a certain maroon jumper brings them together.

******

-December 26th, 1997-

Ron was almost to his bed when he nearly tripped, but luckily he steadied himself against the frame before he could actually fall. Thank Merlin he did, because he could sense her watching him from her position on the sofa, and there was no need for her to see him making a fool of himself— again. He crouched down to see what his foot had caught on, only to discover his old, worn-out jumper.

The tent could only block so much of the icy wind from outside, so stumbling upon his warm jumper was a relief. He was anxious for a change of clothes, but most of his warmer things were still in Hermione's bag, and there was no way she would let him dig around in it just yet. Ron was quickly coming down from the adrenaline rush of destroying the locket, and his awareness of the cold grew stronger with every misty breath he could see leaving his lips. He pulled the jumper over his head just as his teeth started to chatter.

There was something peculiar about the jumper. Not only did it appear to have been recently washed, but it also smelled different than he remembered. Although distinct, it was still familiar enough that he could name it— oak and vanilla. Easy, and not because he was particularly gifted at identifying scents, but because he had already spent significant effort trying to decipher that exact aromatic component in Slughorn's Potions class last year. The Hermione-ness of Amortentia— and now his jumper— was what confirmed his attraction to her— it was warm, cozy, and inviting. The irony of that was not lost on Ron, considering Hermione's current position on the sofa, looking as frigid and inhospitable as the winter storm outside.

The only reason he didn't bring the jumper with him when he left was that Hermione had been wearing it. When they were first on the run, he would offer it to her whenever she looked cold, and by the time he left, she was accustomed to borrowing it on her own. She sat bundled up with a blanket and The Tales of Beedle The Bard, and the jumper she wore instead of his didn't look nearly as warm. Compared to his, it looked awkwardly small on her, which gave her the appearance of a disgruntled goldfish angrily bobbing inside her too-small fishbowl. Clearly, Hermione had worn his jumper much more recently than the night he left, and the thought filled Ron with hope. Maybe there was still a part of her that didn't want to be angry. Maybe he was wrong to assume they'd never recover from this.

That hope helped keep him warm when he stumbled into bed, cold and hungry, but more content than he'd been in a while.

-January 1st, 1998-

The harsh cold persisted over the next few days, effectively undermining any allusions of the tent's hospitality. Unwilling to expose his skin to winter's aggression for more than a few seconds, Ron rarely took off his jumper, and it's comforting warmth was starting to fade into something strictly physical. He should have been sleeping in preparation for his own watch shift, but he couldn't— so he sat on his bed where he could see Hermione bundled up at the tent entrance, keeping watch and looking miserable. She was shivering underneath a heavy pile of blankets and conjuring up her bluebell flames for warmth. Like it did from her body, the icy air greedily extracted any heat from the mug of tea that sat beside her, its contents escaping into a thick ribbon of steam.

He was still enduring Hermione's silent treatment, and he expected he would have to for a while longer. This particular method of punishment was all too familiar to him, and he knew he'd have to ride it out, but in order to respect her boundaries, he had to figure out where they were. He slid off of his bed and grabbed an extra blanket from his bunk before making his way toward the opening of the tent, determined to uncover exactly where Hermione had drawn the line.

If she heard him approaching she didn't show it. Instead, she kept an intense owl-like focus on the woods outside. He laid the blanket next to her and carefully sat down, making sure to set a respectable distance between them, to avoid earning himself an extension of her silent treatment.

"Hi," he said brightly.

She didn't answer, but he saw her eyebrows knit together slightly, and that counted as an acknowledgment for him.

"I've always loved those flames," he continued. "You're good at them."

Silence.

"I could never get them right," he pressed on, hoping a little bit of flattery would soften her up. "And they don't stay warm when I do it."

Hermione sighed and turned to look at him. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Talking to you."

"Yeah, well. Please don't," she said before turning away again.

"I really missed you," he said, a little more earnestly this time. With Hermione, honesty was a great choice when it flattered her.

Hermione shrugged. "Good."

Ron couldn't help but chuckle at her nonchalant answer. To him, it was a clear confession that her silent treatment was intentional, which meant it required effort to keep up. Hermione's scowl that she hadn't been expecting him to laugh.

"You should really be in bed," she said.

"I know," he said. "I can't sleep. And you looked like you could use some company—."

She groaned, dropping her face to her hands in frustration. "You're infuriating. I'm trying really hard not to talk to you. Can you please just give me some space?"

Her clear confession wasn't nearly as satisfying as her accidental one. He had already given her weeks of space, and never wanted to let that happen again, but he held his tongue. A line had been drawn. "I'm sorry. I can leave you alone. If that's what you really want."

"It is," she said.

Ron's heart sank— talking to her was the only way he could confidently win her forgiveness. Her attention turned back to the woods, and Ron could almost feel the wall she had built restraining him. "Is that really what you want?"

"Oh my God, Ron," she said exasperatedly. "Stop talking to me."

"Ok, ok," he said as he stood up. Then he reached for the hem of his jumper and pulled it off.

"Now what are you doing?" she asked.

"You seem cold. I'm giving you my jumper."

"I don't want it."

Ron held it out to her anyway, but she shook her head. "Are you sure?"

She nodded.

"Ok then. I'm off to get some beauty sleep," he joked, tucking the jumper under his arm.

"Like you need it," he heard her grumble.

He whipped back around to face her, his face brightening into a smile. "What did you say?"

"Nothing," she stammered. "Just that you said you couldn't sleep, and that's probably because you got more than enough rest at Bill's. Unlike Harry and I."

Ron grinned at her infuriating redirection— she was always an expert at churning his own words around to remind him of his wrongdoings. It kept him on his toes, pissed him the hell off, and was one of his favorite things about her. "Well, that's disappointing. For a moment I thought you were calling me beautiful."

She turned away from him, and Ron thought he caught a reluctant smile on her face. He had his own version of her little game.

"Goodnight Hermione," he said as he turned back toward the bedroom.

She didn't respond, but that's ok. He didn't expect her to.

-January 15th, 1998-

Ron awoke in the middle of the night to a crisp and howling wind. He opened his eyes to see a shivering Hermione sitting up in bed, digging around in her bag. She huffed when she couldn't find anything warmer, and dropped her bag to the floor. Ron's stomach sank, knowing she was so cold, but he also knew that she'd most likely reject his offer to wear his jumper, so he remained silent. She gathered her blanket around her and stumbled off her bed toward the loo, dragging the billowing bedding behind her like a cloak.

Ron figured that Hermione rejecting his jumper was just spiteful stubbornness, and she'd happily wear it against his knowledge. Now alone in the room, he sat up, removed it, then tossed it casually on the floor somewhere between his bed and hers. When he heard the bathroom door open, he quickly dove back underneath his covers, hiked the blankets up to his neck, and assumed a credible sleeping position.

She reentered the room, tugging her blanket along, and nearly tripped when she stumbled into the jumper.

He heard her groan before muttering, "lumos."

Ron cracked his eyes open to observe, making sure to keep the rest of his body perfectly still.

"Ronald," she whispered to herself. "He never puts his stuff away." She crouched down to pick it up and glanced cautiously in his direction.

Ron closed his eyes when she turned to him, this time letting out a muffled— hopefully convincing— snore.

When he heard Hermione crawl back into her bed, he opened one eye to observe again. Luckily, she wasn't even paying attention to him. She sat in her bed, bundled her blanket, holding Ron's jumper in her hands. It looked like she was considering putting it on, and Ron couldn't help but picture her making a pro and con list in her mind about wearing it.

Pro: It smelled like him. Or was that a con?

Con: He might see her wearing it. But maybe that was a pro?

She shook her head as if to erase any hesitations, and slipped the jumper over her bushy hair, which erupted through the neck hole like a volcano. The oversized sleeves dangled lazily off her hands, reminding Ron of the time Harry had lost all of the bones in his arm. The hem bundled and bunched at her hips, and the waist was big enough to hide a second Hermione, yet for some odd reason, it still appeared to fit her better than her own jumper. No longer shivering, she settled back into her blanket, closed her eyes, and smiled softly. He turned onto his side, the same grin etched across his face, and settled back into sleep.

-January 30th, 1998-

The following morning, Ron had discovered his jumper crumpled up on the floor near his bed. Hermione had never returned something unfolded before, and Ron smiled at her attempt to make it seem like she never wore it. He imagined her precariously placing his jumper on the floor so that it looked just careless enough to throw Ron off her scent.

It became their new routine. Every night he would place his jumper somewhere on the floor between their beds, and every morning he would find it again, somewhere else but nearby. And every morning, without fail, he'd put it on and catch a hint of his amortentia, which was growing stronger by the day.

On this particular morning, Ron left the bedroom to find Hermione reading on the sofa, buried in her blanket.

"Morning," he said softly.

She didn't answer, but that was ok. He still didn't expect her to. She did, however, look up from her book momentarily to acknowledge him. Progress.

"I'm making tea. Would you like some?"

Again she was silent, but she smiled and nodded.

With two swift flicks of his wand, Ron conjured up some water in the kettle, and ignited a fire on the stove. Hermione had turned her attention back to her book, content to ignore him, as was their routine. This time her expression remained friendly, and the wall between them felt a little less icy.

It had been just over a month since his return, and although they rarely spoke, he had learned that they didn't really need to speak to communicate. He knew her facial expressions and could read her emotional state with ease. He could tell if she wanted space by the way her eyes focused intently on her book, his greeting eliciting no reaction whatsoever. Recently it didn't seem intentional or pointed, but any attempts to pull her out of that collie-like focus would fail. He knew she was open to an interaction when she placed herself on the edge of the sofa, making room for him, and read distractedly with a bookmark in hand, ready to be used should Ron have something more interesting to talk about. And sometimes, her exaggerated yawns and pointed looks before she went to bed hinted that she wanted him to leave his jumper on the bedroom floor. Accidentally, of course.

The climate between them had improved in more ways than one. They were short on space, and they couldn't avoid close contact. Sometimes they'd touch each other when passing, or rummaging around in the kitchen. At first, she would whip her hand away if it unexpectedly brushed his, but recently, if they made contact she'd linger. It happened more frequently too, but just like leaving his jumper out for her, he didn't dare make those moments look intentional. Every touch was an accident, and they were very clumsy.

But of course, he wanted more. Every morning when he put that jumper back on, it felt almost like a hug. He couldn't just hug her, so instead he looked forward to the closest thing he could get, and wondered if she felt the same when she stole his jumper every night.

When the water boiled, he poured two cups of tea. One with cream and two sugars, and one black. Hermione looked up when he approached and smiled warmly as he handed her the tea.

"Did I get it right?" he asked hopefully, even though he knew he did.

"Yes," she said. "Thank you."

They settled back into a comfortable silence. The blistering cold of the last few weeks had finally loosened its grip. Ron was sitting directly in a sunbeam, and his jumper suddenly felt unnecessary.

He caught Hermione's attention when he sat up abruptly, and pulled it over his head. "What?" he asked.

"Aren't you cold?" she asked, tightening the blankets around her.

"Nah, it's quite warm in the sun, actually," he said, playfully toying with his jumper. "Why, are you cold?"

Sighing, she leaned back and crossed her arms. Ron had to resist laughing at her adorably forced scowl. "Yeah, I am quite cold."

"That's too bad," he said, as he dropped his jumper on the floor between them.

Hermione pursed her lips together as if trying to prevent a smile. "Ron," she asked hesitantly. "If you're not going to wear it, can I borrow your jumper?"

Ron beamed at her. "Thought you'd never ask."

Her smile broke as she leaned forward and grabbed his jumper off the ground. "I thought I'd never have to," she said with a blush before putting it on.

-February 14th, 1998-

Harry had just gone to bed, and Ron was due to take over watch from Hermione in two hours. He had tried to pass the time by reading her copy of Beedle The Bard, but there were only so many times one could read A Warlock's Hairy Heart and still be entertained by it. He put the book back down on the coffee table, before standing, stretching, and making his way toward the kitchen to make tea.

He made the usual, two cups of tea, one with cream and two sugars, and one black.

"Tea?" he called to Hermione. It was just a formality at this point, a warning that he was coming over to bring her tea and invade her space. Lately, she didn't seem to mind.

"You don't have to be out here for two more hours," she said.

He grinned, set the tea down between them, and took a seat across from her. "You're welcome for the tea."

She smiled. "Thank you."

They sat quietly for a few moments, before Ron took a chance, and inched himself closer to Hermione so that he was sitting next to her. She didn't move away from him at all.

"Is this ok?" he asked.

She nodded. "Of course."

"It's kind of cold though," he said. "Don't you think?"

He didn't need to see her face to know that he had earned an eye-roll. With an exaggerated sigh, she shifted her blanket so it now covered them both, and moved closer so their legs pressed together. "Better?"

"Much better." It was the most physical contact they'd shared since before he left. "This is perfect, actually."

He felt her head rest on his shoulder, and she didn't even flinch when he accidentally brushed her hand underneath the blanket. They paused, as if daring each other to make the next advance, before he slipped his hand over hers and their fingers intertwined.

He could have stayed like that all night, gently rubbing his thumb across her hand and listening to her breath in his ear. Two hours felt like two minutes, and when his time to take over watch came, he considered not saying anything at all, but that would have been selfish.

"Hermione?" he asked.

"Hmm?" she asked into his shoulder.

"It's my turn. You can go to bed, if you want to." He tried to emphasize that last part. Maybe she didn't want to.

She lifted her head from his shoulder. "It'll be cold."

Ron didn't want to press his luck by asking her to say, so he tugged at the hem of his jumper, and gave it to Hermione.

"Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome."

She turned toward the bedroom, running a hand through his hair as she entered the tent. "Ron?" she asked when she was halfway there.

"Yeah?"

"Happy Valentine's Day."

Ron smiled. He was wondering if she had realized the date. "Happy Valentine's day, Hermione."

-March 1st, 1998-

After that night, Hermione never gave him back his jumper, and he didn't mind one bit. It was getting warmer every day, so he didn't need it anymore, and it looked better on her anyway. Additionally, Valentine's Day turned out not to be an isolated event. At this point, Ron could generally expect their watch shifts to overlap for some time, while they held hands under a blanket, and their tea turned cold.

It was Harry's night for watch, which meant that Hermione and Ron were alone in the bedroom. She was bundled up in multiple blankets, and his jumper, and appeared to be pretending to sleep. He was quite warm, so he wore a simple vest, one blanket, and he was absolutely pretending to sleep.

"Ron?"

He smiled at her voice in the dark. "Yes, Hermione?"

"I'm cold," she whined.

Ron laughed and flopped back onto his pillow. "Well, I'd give you my jumper, but you haven't taken it off for two weeks."

She buried her face into her pillow. "I know,' she groaned.

"And I'd give you my blanket, but then I'd be cold."

Hermione turned to face Ron, eyes narrowed as if sizing him up. "Maybe we could share?" she asked tentatively.

Ron's eyebrows shot up his forehead. She wanted to share. "You won't hex me if I come over there?"

She shook her head, before inching toward the far edge of her bed.

Ron felt his ears turn pink as he slipped out of his bed, and approached hers. It was the first time they'd ever shared a bed, and Ron had always imagined it would happen differently. In his envisioned future, this moment would take place after a first kiss, but he wasn't about to complain. He slid under the covers almost too eagerly, then momentarily froze, unsure where to put his arms and legs. He wanted to pull her close and wrap his arms around her, heck he wanted to do much more than that. What he really wanted to do might provoke another silent treatment, a hex, or worse— flock of canaries. What exactly was she expecting?

She answered his question when she took his hand, interlacing their fingers, and turned to her side, facing her back to him. She pulled his arm along so he had no choice but to settle in behind her. She fit perfectly, as he'd always imagined she would, and he hoped she felt the same way too.

"Still cold?"

She laughed. "Nope."

Ron had lost all desire to sleep. He could have laid there all night, his head in her hair, holding her hand, savoring every minute.

"Ron?"

"Hmm."

"Happy Birthday."

He hadn't even realized the date. "Is it really—?"

She nodded. "What do you want for your birthday?"

From his current place— in bed with Hermione, he honestly couldn't think of anything more, or at least anything more he was willing to tell her. "Could I have my jumper back?"

Hermione laughed. "No."

"Oh," he said, trying to feign disappointment. "Worst birthday ever, then."

"You don't mean that."

He smiled as he slipped his arms tighter around her. "I don't."

And he didn't. In fact, he'd be more than fine if he never got his jumper back. Brilliant, even.