#which is ok i could’ve told her but i spaced on it

[grave-st0ned]

brb screaming crying throwing up

SHE’S COMING

[littlemisskookie]

Free Use: Ch 8

Free Use: Ch 8

Free Use:  Index

Ship: Crush!Taehyung | Reader | feat. Jungkook

Description: Childhood Friends/Crush/Neighbors/College!AU. Your long time crush agrees to be your dom.

Warnings: Free Use Kink, Dom/Sub Relationship, Dom Taehyung, Dom Jungkook, Voyeurism/Exhibitionism, Degrading, Dirty Talk, Objectification, Fingering, Ruined Orgasm, Forced Orgasm, Multiple Orgasms, Pain Kink, Spanking, Slapping, Choking, Cuckholding? Jungkook is very mean and a brat tamer, Y/N gets railed in a janitors closet, i wouldn’t be surprised if i’m forgetting something, this is really vile i’m sorry i’m depraved, ITS ALL CONSENSUAL THO THIS IS HER DREAM AND MINE TOO

Word Count: 4,188

A/N: I think you can tell how horny I was making this.

Surprisingly, Jungkook acts completely normal around you at school, even after he listened to you get railed and witnessed your expressions to your anal virginity being taken. He was so cavalier about it, you wondered for a moment if you had simply had some perverted dream instead. His bunny grin still seems so innocent, doe eyes so pretty. Nothing like the man who degraded you for the obscene acts you enjoyed with Taehyung. The more you'd stare at him absentmindedly, the more convinced you were that they couldn't have possibly been the same person. Jungkook, sweetheart muscle pig, himbo king, best friend of Taehyung?

You must've been too obvious with your gawking during class, however, because you feel someone's breath near your ear as you write. "Keep staring and soon everyone’s gonna know you’re desperate," Jungkook whispers, sending shivers down your spine. You stiffen, turning to look at him with widened eyes, before demurely looking back down at your desk. Jungkook looks amused, blowing cold air on your neck. Goosebumps appear along your skin, which Jungkook takes note of. “I wonder what they’d think if they knew you loved having Taehyung’s dick in your ass.”

You squirm, eyes squeezing shut as you tried to remain composed. Jungkook pushes back some of your hair to see your face, seeming delighted in your flushed complexion. “It’s alright. I can keep a secret.”

He smirks, straightening up to walk back to his seat.

You crossed your legs and tightened your grip on your pen, gnawing on your lip. Taehyung didn't have this class with the two of you. Would he be ok with Jungkook flirting with you without his presence?

You didn't have to worry for long, however, because you're greeted with a text from Taehyung to meet you in the Humanities section. You followed his directions only to end up in a near empty hallway, with nearly nothing around aside from the janitors closets and a few empty professor offices. You double check Taehyung's text before a hand is on your mouth. You're dragged into a tiny utilities closet, being knocked back into a hard chest. The mystery man turns you around, knocking your back against the door, hands grabbing your wrists and pinning you in place. 

His mouth meets yours, tongue diving in and having it's way with you. Your eyes fly open, pulling back. "Taehyung?"

He flips the light-switch on beside him, and you're met with the sight of his handsome face in front of yours. "Got it right, baby."

He kisses you again, this time a peck as a reward."Who else would it be?" you question.

"Could've been Jungkook. He told me you were staring at him during Bioethics." Taehyung snickers at it, finding it humorous as he flicks your forehead. 

"I'm sorry," you apologize.

"Why're you sorry? Makes sense for you to be staring at him considering what your last interaction was." He notices your shudder, though it didn't seem to be out of fear. "I trust you liked it?"

"I did, but I don't want you to feel jealous-"

"I think you do, though," Taehyung interrupts, closing the already small gap between you, crowding your space. "I still remember how wet you were when we finally fucked. I think you liked seeing me mad."

Your knees buckle, unable to escape as you were met with this confrontation. "Maybe."

"What do you like about it?" His fingertips lightly graze the exposed skin beneath the hem of your skirt, teasing you. His nose traces over the side of your neck, the touch featherlight."Like seeing me fuck my anger out on you? Claiming you as mine?"

"Y-Yeah..." you bashfully admit.

"No need to be ashamed, baby," Taehyung assures you. "I liked it too. I'll use any opportunity to prove you're mine and why. I'm your boyfriend now, right?"

You smile and nod, raising to your tip-toes to kiss him. "Yeah, you are."

"I know you're attracted to Jungkook. It's fine, baby, it doesn't matter. You know who owns you." Taehyung cradles your face in his large hands, his touch so soft and gentle. "Jungkook can fuck you good, I don't mind letting him. I know I can fuck you better."

"Is this leading up to something?"

"Jungkook's getting chewed out by his coach as we speak. He texted me about it. I figured I'd be a good friend and give him something to help with stress relief." One hand disappears, the other having a firm grip on your jaw, holding you in place to look up at him. "You're basically a toy anyways, aren't you?"

"Yes," you say breathily, "you own me."

"Wanna let Jungkook play with you then? I'll be right outside this door and let him take out his anger in fucking you. I know a slut like you'd always desperate for cock." His breath runs over your lips, and your knees buckle beneath you. 

"Yes. Wanna please him."

"Mm, what a good toy." Taehyung grins down at you. "Should I text Jungkook to come here now then? Tell him to rail you as I keep watch?"

You nod, leaning your head against Taehyung's chest. He whips out his phone, letting you stare down at his screen as he sends the text. You don't fail to notice his lockscreen was now a picture of you from your Instagram. You smiled, a small wholesome moment before the most unsanctimonious sins would be performed, kept for yourself. You'd have to remember to have Taehyung and you take couple photos once you had time. 

"Jungkook's gonna be real happy about his gift," Taehyung says, kissing you softly. "Just say the safeword if you need to and he'll stop. He'll take good care of you."

You wondered how he knew this about Jungkook, but then realized it was likely they had shared women before. Jungkook seemed all too keen on listening in on you, and Taehyung in turn letting him. Taehyung would now be hearing you fucking Jungkook. They seemed to just have that sort of relationship. 

"Same for you," you remind him, Taehyung returning your soft smile.

"My girlfriend's so cute," he says, hand pulling at your skirt, bunching up the fabric to expose your pussy. "Jungkook's gonna have fun wrecking you. He's gonna end up addicted."

"Sir, touch me."

"Can't do, baby. Gotta have manners, let Jungkook have his turn. I'll have my turn with you after."

You hear a knock at the door, a unique pattern. Why did it not surprise you that Jungkook and Taehyung had a secret knock? What dorks.

Taehyung opens the door, the space becoming more crowded as Taehyung pulls you against him, your back against his chest. Jungkook stands in front of you, towering over you as you were trapped between them.  He grins down at you, the same sadistic smile you were getting used to on Taehyung. It was like a lion that was about to play with its food. "This my gift?"

"Thought you might benefit from a stress toy or something," Taehyung shrugs nonchalantly. His hands rub your arms, keeping you secure. "You seem tense."

It was true. He seemed all puffed up, either with hot air, smoke from how he was fuming inside, or raw energy. It was a kin to a bull before it was released into the ring at a rodeo. "Yeah, I guess I should blow off some steam." His grip slides down to your throat, pulling you closer to him. "Want me to use you, Y/N?"

You nod, trying your best to keep your breathing steady and composed. "Yes, please, want it."

You feel a quick breeze and sting of pain on your cheek, another one quickly following your other cheek. You let out a moan, squirming between the two men as you reach out, grasping onto Jungkook's shirt as your knees buckle. He curses under his breath at your reaction, and soon you're feeling his erection on your hip. "Little painslut. Can't believe this shit turns you on."

Taehyung grins, reaching for the door knob. "I'm gonna go keep watch. Wouldn't want anyone finding you fucking my girlfriend."

He closes the door behind him, and you're left alone with your dear friend, Jungkook. At this moment though he seemed anything like the youngest you had grown up with. He has you step back until your back meets the wall next to the door, close enough for Taehyung to surely be able to hear every dirty word Jungkook called you. He immediately flips your skirt up, making you squeal in response. His hand immediately cups your bare pussy, finding his digits soaked to no one's surprise. "Shit. I swore once when you crossed your legs that I saw your pussy, but I thought I must've been seeing things. You're so gross, Y/N."

"Taehyung asked me not to-"

"Because you gave your underwear to him immediately? Offered him your pussy? Like some kind of street whore? It just screams you were desperate to be fucked." Your cheeks burn with embarrassment. "God, why couldn't you pick me, huh? I knew you just as long as him. It's so unfair." He whines out the words, fingers thrusting into you, his movements rough and punishing. He finds your g-spot with ease, grinning wickedly as he sees you start to crumble.

"I'm sorry, it was always him," you gasp out, mewling when his thumb started stimulating your clit. 

"Mhm, guess I should be happy we're so close then. Either way I'd fuck you. You would've been destined to be shared between me and Tae." He bit his lip, feeling your walls begin to squeeze around his digits, the loud sounds of your wet pussy filling the room. "I knew you'd be so wet for me. Always knew I'd get to fuck you one day. Something about you just screamed slut."

You try to reach down to his erection, only for him to force your head to straighten up again, grip squeezing slightly on your throat. His pace inside you stills as he forces you to make harsh eye contact with him. You reach up to his hand, nails dragging into his forearm as he glared at you. How had it never occurred to you before how hot Jungkook was when he was angry? "Did I say you could touch me? Thought you were supposed to be good. Are you only a good girl for Tae?"

"I'm already so close! This is supposed to be for you."

"I'm a big believer in ladies cum first," Jungkook says, curling his fingers again in reminder, keeping you at that edge. "It's our first time, after all. Don't want you getting a bad impression of me."

"Thought this was stress relief," you shot back.

Jungkook growls out, choking you in that way that made you feel light headed and curling his fingers inside you repeatedly, pounding at your g-spot as his palm ground against your clit. You gasped out, staring back at Jungkook, whose nostrils flared in anger. "You're lucky I like to break brats like you. Go on and cum, since you just want to hurry and get punished so badly. While I'm still feeling nice."

His tongue pokes at his cheek in concentration, and soon your spasming over his fingers. "Ju-" You somehow manage to moan out his name loudly enough for him to have to let go of your throat and cover your mouth. He stared at your expression, your eyes crossing as you orgasmed against his digits. He lets you ride out your high, your thighs glistening now from the mess he made of you. He pulls out his fingers, rubbing your folds, making you cringe in oversensitivity. 

"Fucking slut, don't you know you have to be quiet?" Jungkook scolds you. "You want everyone to see you in here getting fucked, huh? Want them to see how wet you get just from being slapped around? Want them to see how wet you get for me?" You're given no time to defend yourself before he's pressing against you, mouth against yours. You realize this is the first time you've kissed Jungkook. His style of kissing you was different from Taehyung. Taehyung is all consuming, dominating you easily. Jungkook's is more coaxing, more soft and playful. It was like he was easing you into a false sense of security before he reminds you what he's about to do. You moan into the kiss, your hands pulling him in as he presses his body against yours. He lifts one of your legs, hooking near his waist to grind against you. You feel the fabric of his uniform slacks against your pussy, moaning into his mouth.

"Can't believe you're letting me treat you like some object," he mumbles against you. "Letting Taehyung pimp you out like this. You're such a whore."

You whimper as he quickly works to undo the buttons on your shirt, revealing your bra. He roughly pulls down the cups of your bra, teeth catching a nipple, giving you harsh treatment. You slap your own hand over your mouth, trying to keep your moans down as best you can. Jungkook lets go of you, showing a sadistic grin. "Stupid girl learned something for once, huh?"

You twist your face into a scowl, immediately wanting to bite back. "My grades-"

"Doesn't matter, you're still stupid." He turns you around, hand cracking down on your ass. You yelp immediately, unprepared, the moan no doubt escaping the thin walls of the janitor's closet. "See? What'd I just tell you? Stupid girl can't keep quiet even without a cock in her."

You keep down your whines as he continues spanking you, one hand lifting your skirt to let him see and the other punishing you with a force that made you jolt. "You're stupid because you just need a guy to tell you how dirty you are for your brain to become mush. You handed over your panties without even thinking. You kept this wet pussy from us for years when you could've been getting fucked the way you're supposed to. Aren't you such a stupid girl for that?"

He delivers a harsh slap right at your pussy, making you rise to your tip toes at the mix of pain and pleasure. "Say you're a stupid girl if you want me to fuck you."

"I'm a stupid girl," you blurt out immediately, earning a cocky grin from the handsome man. Your heart began racing as you look behind you to see him unbuckling his belt and pulling out a condom.

"Yeah?" His tone is so cocky. You hold your breath in anticipation when you feel his tip pressing against your entrance. Jungkook only teased you, however, arm reaching around you to tug you closer to him, his frame caging yours as his fingers danced down your abdomen. "Why's that, huh?"

"B-because I should've told you guys the truth earlier," you blabber, trying to move your hips back. Jungkook's fingers rubbed circular motions around your clit, making it impossible for you to stay still. Jungkook held you in place however, enjoying watching you squirm. "That I'm a slut."

Jungkook hummed, kissing your neck, fingers continuing to drive you crazy. He pushes his hips forward, trapping you snuggly against him as he plunges his dick inside. Both of you moan out at the feeling, your legs left quivering as you try to stabilize yourself. "Can't believe you kept this pussy from me," Jungkook gasps out, hips rutting against yours, his grasp on you tightening. "I should've been fucking this pussy ages ago, could've felt you creaming my cock, and would've if you hadn't kept it from me. Stupid, selfish little slut."

You moan from how much he filled you, aiming at that spot that had your toes curling. "I'm sorry!"

Jungkook yanks your hair back, making your back arch. "You haven't even begun to feel sorry yet," he growls, kissing you with a ferocity as he kept your head in place, grip firm in your hair. He was consuming all of your senses, the cramped space giving you nothing to give you get distance. You were reminded of when you danced with him at the club, the first time he even began to direct his behavior to you. "Take this cock you were so desperate for."

He lets go of you, hands securing on your hips to fuck you deeper, as though he were really using you as a toy to relieve stress. You moan out, eyes welling up with tears from feeling the tip touch your cervix. Jungkook notices, diving in to the hilt and slowly grinding his hips against yours, skin pressed together. His hand returned to your clit, making your muscles tense up from the simulation from both ends. "Can you handle it?" He breathes the words out, his fingers making it hard to focus.

"Yeah, use me. I can take it." You say the words with full confidence.

Jungkook lifts one of your legs up, rotating your hips as he spreads your legs apart, drawing his hips back to thrust as deeply into you as he can. You moan out from the feeling, arms scrambling onto the wall as you try to keep your balance. You mumble something under your breath, the words coming out louder than intended due to Jungkook's thrusts.

"What's that?" He asks, turning your head back to him. "I didn't hear you."

You bite your lip. "Said 'Surprised you didn't go for the ass.'"

"Don't have lube on me. I figured I'd use your ass next time we fuck." You clench down on him at his words, and he catches on. "You didn't really think this would be the only time we'd fuck, huh? Nah, pussy's too good. Hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but this isn't going to be the last time I fuck you. You'd better get used to feeling this dick up in your guts." His smirk looks more like a sneer as he sees how his words affect you. "I'm so lucky you ended up being such a gross pervert."

"I-I'm not a perv," you insist.

"Yeah? Only a pervert would like this nasty shit. You get so wet just from us being mean to you. It's pathetic."

His wet mouth is sucking hickeys on your neck, his free hand coming down to toy with your clit. "I'm gonna cum," you groan out. The desperate sounds of skin slapping against skin filled the janitor's closet. You were sure Taehyung could hear every sordid sound, your own whines and moans included, from his position just outside the door.You feel his smile against your skin as he pushes you closer to the precipice. 

You don't get the satisfying end of riding out your orgasm, however, as Jungkook immediately pulls out and away. Your back meets the door, hands held above your hand in a singular grip. His hand comes down on your spasming cunt, and you close your legs out of instinct. "Open your legs right fucking now." Your legs fly apart, another hit making you flinch in pain, legs twitching as Jungkook continued slapping your pussy. Tears pricked the corners of your eyes, and you were left trembling from the ruined orgasm.

He pulls you in, giving you some sweet kisses as you gathered your breath. "Do you want me to keep punishing you? Or are you ready to be rewarded?"

Your face is something akin to a pout. "Reward."

"Gonna be a good girl for me now?"

"Yes," you sniffle, pulling Jungkook back to you. 

He steps between your legs, hoisting you up against the door and fucking you against the wall. In hindsight it probably wasn't the most inconspicuous idea, but it didn't seem like that was Jungkook's priority. His priority was absolutely destroying you, building your orgasm fast. His mouth pants against yours, swallowing your moans greedily. "Disgusting little brat, you like me pounding you like this?"

"Yes! Feels so good," you moan out, squealing as Jungkook carried out his mission of destroying you.

“Like having your precious Taehyung outside, listening to you getting fucked?” He snickers, the laugh dark and ominous. “Let him hear those slutty noises you’re making for me? How well you take my cock?”

“Jungkook-“

“Yeah, say my name. Let Tae know how much you like being used by his friends,” Jungkook says, words coming out in a snarl. “Say my name while I fuck you like a whore.”

“Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungko-ook!” Your moans are breathy, pleasure making your guts twist as your orgasm approached.

"Gonna let me use this pussy whenever I want, too? Offer me your holes whenever I want?"

"Yes, you can do whatever you want with me." You felt like you were going to burst any second. "I'll be good for you."

"Go on, cum on my dick again. Prove to me you're a good girl."

It hits you like a tidal wave, Jungkook's kiss devouring your whine as he continued to fuck you against the wall. He cums in the condom, hips staggering against you as he pins himself against you. Eventually he lets you down, leaving you light-headed. Jungkook kept you standing, your legs wobbly. His fingers comb through your hair, fingers massaging your scalp. "You were so good for me. I knew you would be. Just had to fuck the bratiness outta you."

He adjusts his clothes to look like he didn't just ruin you in a closet, and knocks the same pattern as before. Taehyung opens the door, giving Jungkook a knowing smile. "I'll keep watch now," Jungkook says, trading places with Taehyung. You're left alone with your boyfriend, who immediately pulls you into his arms, seeing how bad your legs were shaking.

"Jungkook fucked you really good, huh?" Taehyung chuckled, admiring what a mess you had become. Your hair looked closer to a bird's nest, and your clothes were all wrinkled and in disarray. Your thighs shone under the dim light of the closet and you legs were wobbling like a baby deer. Anyone who saw you right now would know you just had an intense round of rough sex.

You nod, low on energy. Still, you turned around and put your hands on the wall, presenting yourself to him. "Your turn."

"Mm, my baby still isn't satisfied, is that it?" Taehyung groans, squeezing his erection over his slacks. "Still need my cock? You can barely stand, y'sure you can take it?"

You nod adamantly. "Wanna be a good slut for you, sir. I'm always ready to take you."

"Jungkook really fucked the bratiness out of you, huh?" Taehyung finally starts to pull out his dick, and you feel the anticipation build. "You never run your mouth like that with me, baby. You really wanted to be used like a toy, huh?"

"Yes," You hiss out the word, feeling Taehyung thrust into you. "Wanna be useful."

"I'm sure Jungkook's so grateful you let him use your pussy to get off," Taehyung purrs, deep thrusts still managing to make you wince in overstimulation. You were already beginning to feel that delicious soreness you were starting to crave. "You're such a good slut for me."

His hand starts touching your clit, and you're left whimpering in his arms. "Please, sir, I can't-"

"You're supposed to be my girl, aren't you?" Taehyung's voice is as harsh as his touch as he grabs your face, forcing you to look his way. "So shut up and take it."

You nod fervently, kissing him as you let him guide you to the edge. Taehyung buries his face in the crook of your neck, sucking on whatever skin was exposed to him. It was like he was re-claiming you, reminding you who you really belonged to. As if you could forget. “Fuck, I don’t think I’m gonna last long. Feels like I was hard forever having to listen to Jungkook fuck you like a bitch in heat.”

“H-He was the bitch in heat.”

Taehyung laughs. “There’s the brat from earlier. I must be lucky you’re so obsessed with me. You’re my good girl.”

“Fuck, sir, please let me cum-“

“Gonna cum again, already? Fuck, you’re so greedy.” Taehyung’s teeth sink into the skin at the juncture of your neck, groaning as he bit you. “Cum for me. Cum on your favorite cock.”

Your orgasm washes over you in a tidal wave as you do exactly as you’re told, and it only takes a few more strokes before Taehyung is pulling out and cumming on your ass. You’re left panting and slumped over the wall, head dizzy and limbs worn out. Taehyung peppers soft kisses on your face and neck, giving you time to come back down to Earth. “You did so good for us, baby,” he praises. “You feeling tired?”

You nod dumbly, letting out soft sighs at the feeling of Taehyung lips. “Yes, sir.”

“Mm, we’ll take care of you.” Taehyung smooths your hair, looking at you with an admiring gaze. “Let’s get our girl taken care of, hm?”

[m4sonn]

° ˖ ✧ Sibling Quarrels ✧˖°

(This was the winner of the poll therefore the first story I make!! <33. I know @wtafmargot wanted to see this fic especially so I decided to tag them so they could see it faster!)

“B-but myeemmmm!! I have plans!! I can’t babysit Kiara!!!”

“Too bad, Keith, I have plans.”

“B-but cmon!! Please!! My friends are literally sitting here waiting to go!!”

Two-bit said as he put his hand a bit behind and to the right side of him to showcase a very awkward and embarrassed set of greasers standing behind him, Johnny’s head which had previously been awkwardly tilted down as he tried not to watch his friend fight with his mom instantly shot up upon attention being brought to him. Johnny looked to the side to Steve, while, meanwhile, was spaced out and in his own little world right now, he blinked back into consciousness and looked around, his face turning red upon realizing all the attention had turned to him.

“We can just leave, it’s no problem two, or your sister could come with us…?” Johnny said sweetly, trying to offer a compromise. Steve was about to throw a fit about ‘not wanting no damn little kids with them’ and ‘not wanting to babysit’ but Johnny gave him a sort of look which told Steve to shut the fuck up for once.

“I’m sorry boys but I just don’t want her going out, plus keith’d have to be home by 7:30 anyways cause that’s her bed time.” Two-bits mom said with a sweet smile. “You boys better get going, Keith can come next time.”

“Bu!-“ “zip it Keith.” “Ok….”

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

“So…. Uh… what do you do…” Two-bit said awkwardly as he looked down at his 6 year old sister “Where’s mommy?” She said with her big eyes as she looked up at her older brother. All two-bit could think was ‘Jesus Christ this bitch got some big ass bug eyes.’ Ever since Kiara got glasses her eyes have been 5x bigger thanks to them and two-bit could NOT get over how hilarious he thought it was. Keith had never had a really close relationship with his sister, Kiara, I mean, they’re 12 years apart so nobody could really blame him but his mom still wished they could’ve spent a bit more time together and hung out more.

“She had to go somewhere” “where” “I don’t know” “why don’t you know” “because I don’t” “why” “because” “but why”

Keith’s responses were basically cut off but how fast his sister piped out responses, starting to get overwhelmed already by her questions.

“I DON'T KNOW KIARA JUST STOP.”

He practically yelled. Kiara looked up at him with her big brown eyes and then bursted into tears. “No, no, no, Kiara I’m sorry… hey…. Hey… don’t cry….”

Two-but said in the softest voice he could manage. Kiara turned her back to him with a pout, sitting on the floor to cry. Keith picked her up off of the floor and tried to calm her down. “Hey, uhm, how about I make you grilled cheese…? Or— uh… want to go walk to the store and get some candy…?”

Upon the mention of candy, Kiara’s eyes lit up. She immediately agreed and off they went to the store. Keith had been trying to save up his pocket money for something he’s really been wanting for a while but… His sister was worth it to him. He let her pick out a few things and only got himself a soda and a bag of chips. They quickly headed home.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

“Two-bit!!” Soda said happily as he bursted into Keith’s front door. Opening his eyes to see two bit sitting across from his sister on a little kid’s table, a cup of weird looking unknown liquid in front of him. His face was decorated with very messy and smeared makeup and rhinestones. He had a pink tutu, a crown, and pink fairy wings over his clothes, his sister in a princess dress, fairy wings, and a crown sitting across from him. The rest of the gang pushed themselves through the door behind him. They all started to cackle upon seeing him. “HAHAHA- TWO BIT WHA?!-“ “she wanted to have a tea party” he said with a goofy smile on his face. “What are you guys doing here anyways?” “We decided that if you couldn’t come with us we’d stay with you” Dally said with a smile. Two-bit and his sister exchanged glances and had that same mischievous smiles on their faces. “Well… since you’re here… there’s enough fairy wings and tutus for everyone.” And after a bit they were all having a tea party.

[lyriumsings]

Ok, let’s get this over with here’s everything that was wrong with this ATLA adaptation. I’m gonna try to start from the beginning there’s a lot lmao:

I didn’t care for them showing the genocide of the air nomads. This is what i feel like what they meant by wanting to “appeal to GOT fans” it felt like it was trying to be edgy. Changing Aang to “needing to clear his head” instead of literally running away from his responsibilities because he’s a scared goddamn child was pure stupidity. And takes so much away from him. Even the scenes going back and showing Aang “being so much more special” than the other kids was so stupid. He wasn’t “so much more special” that’s the point. Up until Aang discovered he was the Avatar he was normal! He lived a normal life his friends treated him like everyone else! that’s literally WHY he ran away! Because they instantly started treating him differently after it became known he was the Avatar!!

Holy shit all the shit they tried to shove together in the arcs. From omashu to the southern air temple to sokka’s fucking ice berg trials. It was clunky, cheap, and downright disrespectful to the source material and I 100% support the creators leaving lmfao cuz this shit is a joke.

So much happens with so little explanation but at the same time core character traits are overexplained. They’re constantly saying “oh you’re so kind, you’re so fierce, etc” having characters verbally DESCRIBE other characters charter traits, instead of fucking showing it. Katara for example (just one of the many characters they fucking butchered but i digress) in the opening scene when Katara screams at Sokka for his sexist remarks and breaks the ice that showed just how unconsciously powerful she is at water bending. She is a prodigy. This is shown to you literally in the opening moments of the show. After discovering Aang in the iceberg Katara runs head first at the iceberg with Sokka’s boomerang to bust it open. This shows that Katara is impulsive and rash but kind and caring. She is literally breaking open the ice having no idea what it will do in the name of helping someone who clearly needs help (who realistically would most likely be dead) but she tried. Like that whole opening of ATLA told you so much about her character WITHOUT LITERALLY HOLDING YOUR HAND AND TELLING YOU. Then taking out Sokka’s sexism and letting him unlearn it was pure fucking lazy. Reducing Katara to “younger sister who needs to grow up” was a bad joke.

Like listen i’m not a “oh my god it should’ve been frame for frame like the cartoon” like there’s room for acceptable changes and space to add to the narrative. The way they got into Omashu was an acceptable change (not the jet part but hitching a ride was fine), adding Lu Tan’s funeral was GREAT it ADDED to the overall story and added depth to Iroh, even the bit with the Earth Kingdom soldier was good. Adding in Ozai’s little dogs at Azusa showing him pushing her behind the scenes and pitting her against Zuko was also nice imo. Like these are things they could’ve added and worked with the original creators on. Even the part where in the bar they’re like in the background easter-egging about the canyon episode like that was fine anything that was pure filler could’ve been mentioned in that way. But that’s the thing with ATLA few things are PURE filler. Almost every ep arc serves a genuine purpose, which is why shoving it all in a blender and hoping for the best was really not it.

Even Appa and Momo were reduced to like a mode of transportation (i also didn’t like this in legend of Korra bison became more like cars had less personality and purpose and were just A Way To Get Around i get why bc there were so many etc etc but still) and like a pet. When they’re not! they’re genuine characters! ESPECIALLY APPA! They play crucial roles in the plot they have a purpose and agency they’re not just “funky animal side kicks” which is what they feel reduced to, to me. Appa is so vital to the group and episode that is 90% silence and is just about his time away from aang is literally one of the best episodes in atla.

I haven’t even finished the whole thing yet this is just my thoughts so far based on what i remember rn through my disappointed rage lmao so ✨i’ll be back✨

[clumsiestgiantess]

Chapter four of the Other-world Universe; Alexis tries (and fails) at being helpful.

all chapters linked here

[The power of a pile of free cash] The cycle of realities repeated itself yet again, and soon I was bored enough with my own reality to swap worlds.  I was curious to see how the young woman was coming along with the money I'd given her.  Before I got home however, one of my friends stopped me in the hall.  “Are you ok?” they asked me.  Apparently, I seemed rather distracted lately.  “There’s just a lot of things going on at home,” I replied.  It was technically true.  “Don’t worry about it.”  Giving me another concerned look, they told me they would be there if I needed to talk, and I nodded, trying my hardest to focus on them when my mind had already begun to wander through thoughts of the other-world.  Eventually, they sighed and moved on to a different topic as we walked down the hall together.  They'd clearly given up on getting any more information out of me, having already tried a few less conspicuous ways to get something of an answer from me, but obviously I couldn’t tell them the truth.  

When I got home, I immediately dropped my backpack by the basement couch and prepared for another trip to the other-world.  I can always do homework when I get back.  I have all the time I need to do it since this little pit stop will only take a few seconds in my world.  Traversing the lay of the land so many times, I’d pretty much mapped out the easiest and least destructive way to the city.  There was only one slightly sketchy detour I took through a skate park to get to the field behind the young woman's building.  

However, when I returned to her apartment, everything was a mess.  The money had downright vanished; nothing had changed.  Her apartment had apparently been paid off, but the rest of the money was gone.  Or so I thought.  When the young woman returned, she arrived with a fancy new car and outrageously expensive-looking outfit.  I’d just brought her car back to her and now she’d gotten rid of it.  This was definitely NOT what I gave her the money for.  The heck is wrong with you? I mentally asked as she disappeared into her apartment.  You’re supposed to use my money wisely, not blow it all on things you didn’t need!  

Things only got worse from there.  Through various ways of sneaking around, I started following her to find out what she’d done with the rest of my money.  I gave her so much, how could she have possibly spent it all already?  Never underestimate the power of a pile of free cash.  The young woman had visited both the mall and the downtown shopping area by the end of the day.  I was also fairly sure she quit her job, relying entirely on the money I’d so foolishly given her.  I hadn’t seen her go to work at all since I started watching her.  

Every day I watched her, every day she drove herself further into the ground.  I'd even witnessed her steal her ex’s car and have it crushed at a junkyard.  The incident was so baffling that I almost controlled her simply to stop her from doing it.  I suppose I could’ve deemed it an emergency so I could control her without breaking my own rules, but it didn’t matter.  Eventually the money ran out, and she ended up in more debt than she started with.

I wanted to scream, and I did, but in my own world where no one could hear me.  Alright, I calmed myself, this time I’m going to have to change things.  There was still a decent amount of money left in the bank from the space set, and I’d brainstormed a few ideas on how to keep her from wasting it.  Determined to set things straight, I grabbed more tiny bills from the set.  I made sure to only take a reasonable amount of cash, not whatever I could grab like last time.  

The space set was boxed up on the shelf for now, but if Liam ever took it down to play with again, he’d probably wonder where all the money went.  Maybe he’ll just think he lost the pieces.  There were a few other set parts missing, which was why it was left on the shelf to begin with.

My new and improved plan was this: Instead of leaving the young woman on her own with the pile of cash, I’d put the money out and wait right there until she came and found it.  The other steps are a work in progress, but I’ll probably just make them up as I go.  Basically, I’d be monitoring her a lot more closely than just handing thousands of dollars to her and walking away.  I returned to the other-world, money in hand, and made my way back to the apartment, carefully placing the bills into a heap on the floor just like last time.  Then, I waited for the young woman to come home.  

When she finally came back from who knows where, I slid over to the balcony doors to watch.  She’d barely stepped into the apartment before realizing something was off.  Turning the tight corner by the doorway, she walked into the living room and stopped short, staring at the new bills that seemingly appeared from nowhere.  The young woman stepped cautiously over to the pile in a daze.  Slowly, she turned to the balcony.  Oh no, I left the door open!  I quickly backed away from the doorway as she stepped out onto the small metal outreach.  Looking around baffled for a moment, she spoke to the empty alleyway below her.  “I don’t know who keeps doing this or why, but..” she glanced backwards into her apartment, “This better not be a test.. or a bribe.. but thanks.”  Finally, she turned and closed the balcony door behind her, giving me a chance to let out the breath of air I'd been holding.  Soon, she began collecting the money stacked up on the floor.  Don’t thank me yet, I thought smugly.

The young woman stayed in that night, and I waited outside for the morning to come so I could set my plan into motion.  A few ideas had popped up while I sat around waiting for her, and I was eager to try them.  I yawned, suddenly very tired.  I’ve been awake in both worlds for a long time now.  It won't hurt if I rest a while, right?  Just because I’m on a stakeout doesn't mean I can't close my eyes for a bit.  I sidled backwards to the far end of the small field, giving myself another whole foot of room.  Despite the tight space, I was asleep in no time.

I couldn’t really tell how long I’d been out, but I was suddenly woken by something slamming into my side.  A truck had crashed into my leg; its whole front bumper was completely caved in.  My leg must’ve fallen across the road in my sleep.  A man stumbled out of the driver’s seat, and I sleepily backed off, retreating further into the old baseball field.  I waited as a tow truck came and wheeled away the crushed vehicle, while whoever was driving the damaged truck kept complaining that there was nothing he could've possibly hit; the road was completely empty.  Well, at least he knows not to drive back here anymore, I thought sleepily.  I'll be sitting here more often now; maybe it's for the best he learns not to be here.  

The sky was just beginning to fade into the dazzling oranges of early morning, and with so many cars and buildings reflecting its light, it was almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.  So much for getting a good night's rest.  I sat in the field, bored, waiting for something to happen so I could put my plan into action.  Finally, the apartment lights flickered on, and I sidled over to the window excitedly.  Nothing had actually happened yet, she only got up to make a cup of coffee, and afterwards the young woman picked up a few outfits and laid them out, trying to decide between them.  I huffed disappointedly, finding this part of the morning a bit boring, but when she pulled her pajama top over her head, I recoiled away so harshly I nearly fell over backwards.  Though these people and their city were surely fake, they certainly looked real.  I stepped over the building to watch by the street instead.  

As I sat off to the side of the road, I realized I didn't even know the young woman's name.  Controlling a passerby to get close to the building, I managed to read the nameplate next to her room number, which I’d caught in the reflection of a hall mirror.  The name read ‘Erica Anderson’.  Satisfied, I returned to my spot and released the stranger.  Erica drove off a bit later, and I followed her car from a distance, simply because I couldn't get much closer to the city.  Eventually, she parked in a garage connected to one of the fanciest shopping malls I'd seen in the other-world.  Then again, I hadn’t really seen much beyond the city and the mountain range.  What is out there in the rest of this strange world?  I assumed it ended at the end of the table holding it all up in my world, but the highways branching out of the city had to go somewhere.  I'd have to find that out later.  Right then, I had to stop this poor woman from wasting any more of my money.

No way are you spending all of it on clothes and mall stuff, I thought resentfully.  Carefully placing a hand over her, I had her drive to a large city-owned building instead.  A sign outside the door read: Addicted Spenders Therapy Sessions room 105.  It was really a genius plan.  I'd been watching the billboard ads while I was bored, and an advertisement for this lecture popped up, ironically right after an ad for a new line of expensive luxury items like handbags and the like.  I had a feeling the ad placement was somewhat intentional, though.  

I made Erica go to the room and sit in for a class, letting her go right before she entered the building.  Quickly remembering I would no longer be intangible without a person to control, I latched on to someone in an office building nearby.  It was much taller than me, which was a bit unsettling.  Most of the buildings around me were taller than me, and most of the ground beneath me was filled with moving people and cars.  It was all a bit overwhelming and strangely claustrophobic.  I sat literally in the building, having no room elsewhere, letting whoever I had in my control just continue with their work.  Sitting through the steel frame of the building was probably one of the strangest feelings I’d ever had.  The entire building almost seemed like a hologram — a projection of light that wasn’t actually tangible, though really it was me that was the intangible one.

About an hour later, Erica came rushing out of the meeting, looking confusedly up and down the street as if she were unsure how or why she was there.  Apparently my control only lasts so long without me there to keep it running.  By the looks of Erica's confusion, it seemed as though she didn’t even know where she was.  I latched back onto her, releasing the office worker, and internally reminded her that she wanted to go to each session of these classes.  Her confusion slowly seemed to disappear with my assurance.  

There, I thought, that wasn't so hard, was it?  Once everything was set up, I left her to her own devices for a while.  I hadn’t given her nearly as much money as the first time, so later in the week I set her up with a decent job as well.  Since I had no clue what she did prior to when I'd first given her the money, I decided to put her into a simple customer services-type job.  Surely she could manage it.  All she had to do was talk on a phone, how hard could that be?  Alright, this is going well, I don’t think she’ll do anything stupid again, right?

Wrong.  Very wrong.  I left for a few months to deal with things in my own world, however; so I didn’t even know it for a while.  My team won the state volleyball tournament, that was fun.  I failed a math test, that was less fun.  During winter break, my family drove out to an island in our camper van.  For a few blissful days, my life seemed perfect — collecting shells on the beach and riding rollercoasters on the pier by day, lighting bonfires and stargazing by night.  I felt like I was set for life.  Our family loves the beach; I’m surprised we don’t live closer to one.  I made a mental note to find a nice oceanfront whenever I returned to the other-world.  

All good things come to an end though, I suppose.  After a week on the island, it was time to make the return trip home.  It was always a melancholy experience, leaving the beach behind.  The time we spent there was always fun, but the island was so small, there were only so many things to do before you’d done them all.  Back at home, there was now only one little weekend left before break was over.  However, I’d saved the last two days for finishing school assignments, so my break was basically over right then and there.  If only there was a way to stop tomorrow from coming, I thought wryly.  It really was rather nice to have another world all to myself.  

My good mood was instantly shattered when I returned, though.  I found Erica in jail for drunken driving.  She managed to pay off her bail, but the fees left most of her bills unpaid, again.  What do I have to do to get you to be responsible for once?  It’s only been what, a month, I think, since I left?  Erica had also been sentenced to community service, which I overheard her complain about when she arrived home.  

Sitting in the field out behind her building, I thought, again, about how to deal with this.  I was far too invested to give up now.  Maybe if I move her further from the city, she won’t keep getting into these situations in the first place.  I knew Erica wouldn’t like it if I made her randomly move, but it was for her own good, and the job I’d given her would likely allow it.  Even if her boss wouldn’t let her, I could always control them and suggest that they change their mind.  

I decided to search for a house when it got dark, that way less people would be out, and less people would be in my way.  Once the sun set, I began my trip out to the suburbs beyond the city, closer to where I first zapped into the world.  None of the homes really stood out to me, though.  Try as I might, I couldn’t find a good enough house in suburbia; all of them looked almost the same.  

While I was searching through the many cookie cutter homes, I noticed a modern mansion sitting seemingly untouched on top of a cliff overlooking the city.  Whoever owned the mansion was currently selling it for a ridiculous amount of money, but it wasn't that hard to scrounge up enough to easily outbid any other offers with the help of a rich-looking puppet.  It was perfect.  Erica wouldn’t be too compelled to move back to the city if she was living there, and the cliffside allowed me easier access to the house.  The next day, while Erica was out doing her forced community service, I quite literally took things into my own hands.

I got a few movers and a truck to come over and get her things, and watched as they drove everything over to the new place.  It took a while for them to get all the way out to the cliffside, and even longer for them to move everything inside the mansion.  I couldn't even leave and come back because I had to keep all of the movers at least somewhat under my control.  Eventually, the job was done and I released them back to their normal lives.  Realizing how late it was, I rushed back into the city as fast as I could.  I didn’t dare run, knowing I would cause both tremors and destruction if I did.  

Watching the movers had caused me to lose track of time.  When I finally made it back, I saw with a pang of guilt that Erica's car was already out front.  I raced to the back deck and watched as she looked around her empty apartment, devastated.  I opened the balcony to reach in and control her, but before I could do anything, Erica marched out onto her deck and I quickly backed away.   "What the hell?!  I thought you were supposed to be giving me money and helping me out and shit!" she yelled angrily at the field I sat in.  "Is this some kind of punishment for my arrest, because if it is..  Where the hell is my stuff, huh?"  

For a long moment, I sat frozen.  Can she see me?  Erica grumbled and stormed back inside, pacing the length of her now empty apartment.  I realized that she'd addressed 'whoever was doing this' before, when I’d mistakenly given her a hint to where I was.  She didn't actually know that I was there.  All she knew was that the door to the deck was open at the same time money kept appearing.  Still, it was unnerving, like she was actually yelling at me.  

Carefully, I reached through the open patio door again and took control.  I had her go back outside and drive to her new house, walking silently next to her car the whole way.  Since I had her under my control, I no longer had to avoid everything that I could potentially trample.  It was nice being able to walk around without fear of demolishing anything.

When Erica finally pulled up to the small mansion, I released her.  She slowly wandered inside, where she stood speechless, looking over the boxes of her things that had miraculously been moved there.  She found the keys to the house on one of the boxes by the door.  Dazed, Erica stepped out onto the lawn overlooking the cliff, then circled back to her car.  "I don't know if I'm going crazy, or if there's someone or something behind everything that's been happening to me," she mused.  "Maybe this is a secret social experiment or something.  But god, you-  you didn't have to go and get me this."  Shaking her head with a chuckle, Erica looked back over her shoulder at the mansion.  "I really am just going crazy, aren't I?"  She shrugged, “Well, as long as good things keep coming my way, I honestly don’t care how any of this happens.”  Erica stepped back into the new house, and I left her to get settled in.  Maybe, finally, she would change.

I was hesitant to leave Erica alone again, knowing what happened the last few times, so I stayed and watched her for a bit every day.  However, after a few weeks or so, I was getting bored of watching similar things happening daily.  She hadn’t done anything too out of the ordinary while I was there, so eventually I left — confident that this time Erica could handle herself without me.  Every once and a while I’d come back and check on her, but she’d been doing pretty well for a while now, and I was beginning to move on to other things.  About five months had passed since I’d first met Erica, and more than once I thought about showing her the truth.  Where the money came from, who was actually helping her out, but that was an increasingly bad idea the longer I thought through it.  Showing Erica everything would only leave her with way too many questions than she needed answered.

[shin-meddlesome-hero]

Thoughts on the G-Witch Finale

If there’s something I can say for certain is that this was a wild ride from start to finish, that’s undeniable.

My brain keeps short-circuiting when I try to form a coherent opinion about the ending. It definitely wasn’t perfect and, just like most part of the second cour, it needed more revisions and work to be better. There were many ideas and storylines that had a lot of potential but weren’t fully developed. Nonetheless I’m glad that they were included.

What I expected for this ending was that at least Suletta and Miorine would end up together, I thought that would be acceptable even if the other storylines had a rushed resolution (because, let’s face it, it was very hard to give a satisfactory ending to all the conflicts from the series in only one episode). I wasn’t expecting at all an ending where Prospera and Eri survived, that pulled the rug from under my feet. For some time I saw this resolution as corny and overly idealistic, but now I think that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. During the episode, Suletta is told several times that she wouldn’t be able to achieve what she’s aiming for, but she still goes for it and gets everything that she wished for and more. She was supposed to be a tragic character but she went against that script and earned her happy ending; the more I look at things from this perspective, the more ok I am with the resolution.

Last week I was wondering where would Eri’s character arc go if she survived, it turned out that she was finally able to choose what she wanted and she chose to be with Suletta, she also accompanies Miorine to Qin Harbor which shows that she’s taking responsibility for her past mistakes. That’s a good direction for her character arc… although the fact that she ended up in a silly keychain is still super weird. It’s obvious that if she was going to live, it would’ve been cruel to put her in another Mobile Suit, but there were other options, she could’ve been in a tablet, or in a cyborg’s body or even a Haro would’ve been nice. The keychain is just too much… it’s funny, but weird. Also, there’s really no explanation on how she got there. Only Suletta knows and she’s not going to tell. (It’s space magic, I guess). My point is that if the writers were planning to let her live, they needed to work more on how that could be achieved.

As for Prospera, at least she won’t be able to cause more harm and she seems to be in peace. It would’ve been good to know more of her thoughts at the end.

Now, regarding that other criticism about the ending, I have the impression that Sunrise/Bandai/whoever is responsible for the franchise was trying to play safe. It took more than 40 years for Gundam to have a female protagonist and it’s quite telling that they chose someone like Suletta who is extremely nice and precious. Maybe they thought that a protagonist like Elnora or even like Chu-Chu would’ve been more intimidating. There’s also the fact that the series only lasted 24 episodes instead of the usual 50. I can be wrong but it seems that they weren’t sure that the series would succeed so they didn’t want to take many risks. I think that’s why even if at the end it’s obvious that Suletta and Miorine are married, we didn’t see a kiss or the wedding. Maybe what we got was all that the writers were able to get away with. I really don’t know how things work in Japan when it comes to lgbtq+ themes on series that aren’t explicitly yuri or yaoi, so I’m just speculating.

I didn’t dislike the ending, but I think that the series needed more episodes to develop all the ideas that the writers had in mind, maybe with that, they would’ve nailed it.

Finally, I wouldn’t want a continuation for this story, Suletta, Miorine and their family are fine and it’s better if the narrative leaves them alone. However, a movie retelling could be great, also it would be nice to have novels, manga or OVA’s about what happened during the time skips, many elements and characters of this universe need to be explored more. (Particularly I think that there were many things about Miorine and her family that the story should’ve tackled). All in all if I try to be objective I would give the series a 7.5/10… but it gets an 8/10 for effort, and because I’m soft at grading… and also because I really liked it despite all. So, I still recommend it and I’m glad that this was the series that introduced me to Gundam.

P.S: Really liked that call back to episode 1 with Miorine being the one to rescue Suletta in space. That part was excellent.

[holdthegirlboss]

watching doccy who for the first time x

2x04 — the girl in the fireplace

ok before we begin i have 2 things to say:

1. i watched this the other day at my friends house so i kind of already know what happens but i wasn’t paying attention AT ALL 😭

2. my other friend when he found out i was on this episode said it was one of the best ones and …. sawray i do not agree xx but maybe i’ll like it more second watch ok hwfg

- madame de pompadour my beloved 💘 she’s so cool wish we could’ve seen more of her x

- this is the only show i will NEVER skip the intro for it’s incredible

- ‘it’s so realistic’ wow mickey nothing gets past u!

- ‘we’re in deep space they didn’t just nip out for a quick fag’ love early 2000s shows there’s no way they’d say this now (to be fair i don’t know but i doubt it x)

- rose has a very slow reaction time considering she’s been doing this for like year why didn’t she just follow the doctor through the door 😭

- me personally if i saw a strange man in my room at night and he told me not to scream i think i would scream anyway x

- when i first saw the doll people in this episode i actually SCREAMED they’re so scary wtf ??? idk how reinette wasn’t shitting herself

- me taking 0.5s of my friends

- OMFG i forgot about the horse 😭😭 this is so funny

- so interesting that the doctor didn’t anticipate reinette seeing into his mind too

- the irony of rose calling the doctor their designated driver and then him showing up drunk two minutes later loool

- speaking of which i feel like the doctor wouldn’t usually ditch his friends who are in danger to drink with a bunch of french aristocrats but what do i know x

- just found out steven moffat wrote this episode. INTERESTING! i don’t know much about how he writes doccy who but i know what he did to sherlock in the end so will be keeping an eye out x

- it is very sad that reinette waited until she died for the doctor to come back :(( bless her rip babes u would’ve loved telescopes

- now that i’ve actually WATCHED the episode my thoughts are that the monsters were very scary and visually it’s stunning but everyone seemed very out of character so that puts me off a bit :// def not my fav episode but oh well on we go x

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2012 Nothing from Kim. Gee, what a surprise. Not sure how long it’ll last, though.

Washed the sheets and next, I should do the bathroom. Maybe later. Right now I want to get in some writing. I’ve been working and working out and I just want to do something I can do sitting down for a while.

Tom got a $50 Target card as a bonus at work! That’s where he’s taking me on my birthday, as well as other places, though we decided to put the hair salon on hold. I not only want it to get a little longer before I add the long layers I’d like to have, but I have a busy enough day that day as it is between the dentist, possibly going out to eat, etc.

Tammy left a message updating me on her life. Poor girl’s been stressed and depressed but started a part-time job at a hospice, so this tells me her health can’t be too bad. I sure hope not anyway!

Her youngest girls are having a rough time now with health issues. Sarah slipped in a grocery store and now her ankle is in an air cast. I sent her a quick message as I did with Becky who replied with a quick “thank you,” but she hasn’t picked it up yet.

I had a close call myself a while back that could’ve left me badly hurt. My right foot began to slip on the wet floor causing me to go down into what was almost the perfect case of the splits. But thanks to all the working out I do I was able to catch myself before my ass hit the floor and pull myself back up into a standing position.

While I was delighted to hear Tammy’s sending packages out, which will include birthday and Christmas presents, she really didn’t have to do that. I let her know that Tom and I usually just send ecards for events like that but to let me know if there’s something in particular she’d like. Still, her generosity is greatly appreciated.

This will be my first birthday with my parents dead and gone. Assholes or not, it sure is weird.

As I told her, life is going so, so very well for us now. I still cringe at the thought of being here another year and I know there’s going to be some major problems with this old dump before we can escape it, but every time I get frustrated with the wait, I remind myself – first class. We’re going first class. No more bummy old, little dives! This place would be fine space-wise if it was just one person or two people without all the shit we have since it’s only a little smaller than the apartment I had on Woodside in Springfield, but we do have a lot of stuff. A lot of money too, but not enough to go first class just yet. But we are happy, healthy and losing weight. Eating less food more often is making a huge difference in my metabolism. Tom’s lost 50 pounds and I want to lose 25-45.

So much for thinking the rain would keep the Jes pest away. Why the hell did he have to waste his time and gas coming down here to ask if we had any leaks, something I worry about all the time in this ancient little trailer when we can just call him if we do? It was ok since I was wide awake and saw his truck come down and neither of us had to go out in the rain, but I still wish he’d learn to use the phone! If I’d been asleep I would’ve been pissed. He mentioned doing the roof again like he’s been saying for two years now. I know God’s not going to let us escape that excursion, so since we’ll still be here when he does it, it sure would be nice to be on vacation when it happens.

Once we got settled in here after 8 months of motels I swore I’d never go anywhere again and that I didn’t ever want to travel beyond just going from one room to another. But after being here since April of 2008 with no breaks, I’m definitely ready for a change, if only for a week. Only these days I prefer to vacation in other countries since I’ve pretty much been everywhere I care to go in this country other than Hawaii, and that’s still a possibility. It’s a toss-up between that and Mexico. Tom’s already been to Mexico, but Hawaii is just another state in the US. Bet it wouldn’t feel that way, though, just like it didn’t feel like we were in what is a part of the US when we were in Puerto Rico.

Ponce, Puerto Rico. Damn, I loved it there! I’d hate to live there, though. Too many people. Then again, my favorite language is still Spanish and I love the weather there.

Speaking of “feeling,” we were talking about how our manufactured home in Arizona felt like a real house as many new models are built like real houses. In this old heap of shit, I don’t feel like I’m in a house, but I don’t feel like I’m in a trailer. To me, a trailer is something on wheels that’s bouncy. This thing came in on wheels, but it’s been set on stands and blocks. I’d say it has a more cottage-like feel. In some ways, even the dump we rented in Oregon did too, but that was a definite house. It was built on-site and had an attic.

Nane’s so sweet. She took the time to drop me a line while on break and wish me a nice weekend after telling me to hug the rats for her. LOL, will do. She also got a kick out of one of the dreams I had of her where I came to visit her but she had to work one of those days, so I accompanied her to work. The plan was to be her assistant for the day, but I just could not do a damn thing right to save my life! First I accidentally knocked a big stack of papers off the corner of her desk, then I busted through a chair I sat on, then I was bringing her soup for lunch, tripped and spilled it all over the place. She finally threw me into a small room with a computer and told me to write a story, LOL.

I also dreamed that it became free to call anywhere in the world, so we started talking like every other month. That would make for a nice dream premonition in the end. :)

Lastly, she sent me a sweater with German writing on it. All I remember was “Mein und…” I love it when I dream in other languages, even if it’s only a word or two.

This winter’s rain has really been making up for last winter’s drought. The frogs are croaking up a storm and I’m sure some will come to visit us soon enough. Maybe not, though. I think the only reason we had some last year was due to the dryness and so they were in desperate search of water.

Ooh, Tom’s home early today! But he still has to work tomorrow.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2012 Aly and I suspect Kim may be leaving her alone due to her working with the FBI. Therefore, we both agreed that without mentioning her name, I’d hint at her being able to help me with the “sick twist that’s been stalking, pestering and following me from site to site.” I said that my friend told me more about her job, and being with the FBI, she is actually obligated to report any wrongdoings she may see, even if she doesn’t personally know the people involved.

This much is true, too. She does background checks on online pervs and perps, etc.

It was so obvious that she was pretending to be Molly on Ask earlier asking “why do you write about me i don’t do nothing wrong to you” and “i want to play with your rats and be your friend.”

She hit Andy with, “This is Cady. Why is Jodi so mean to me?”

Again, classic Molly, but definitely not Molly. Molly not only doesn’t pretend to be other people, but she also hasn’t been around anywhere at all lately, and I haven’t written about her lately either.

sighs Such a shame when one hates themselves so damn much they pretend to be everyone but themselves.

Tom had fun setting up and playing with the new cell, hotspot and tablet last night after work, though I haven’t used it yet. I didn’t see him this morning because I slept till 7:00 and didn’t beat the alarm. But I wasn’t that tired when it went off.

Got my new Turbie Twist towels, too. It’s so nice to have new ones with nice new elastics, even if they’re all just plain white.

Nane had me cracking up earlier. Although she’d probably hate to admit it, there’s no denying I’ve gotten her to see rats in a whole new light, LOL. She thinks Julien’s a real cutie and agrees Romeo looks soft and shiny that even she’d like to play with him. Bad “starter rat,” though, as nippy as he gets when he gets playful. He got his first real taste of freedom last night, so I’m sure that when the nocturnal naughty gets up later on, it will be fidgeting at its door in anticipation of being let out.

Decided to drop LiveJournal because it is too glitchy, too slow, and too full of forced change. I didn’t turn it private or dump it, though. It’s just going to sit there. I have commenting disabled so it doesn’t get spammed.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2012 Lots of wind, rain, peace and quiet today. It’s to go on all week.

Touched base with my usual round of friends, including my German hottie and Phillip. I miss the hell out of him. He asked what was up with me, saying mom would never give any info. Really? You mean the blabbermouth that told the whole damn town of Longmeadow that I jumped out a window wouldn’t even tell him the basics? Wow, just wow.

I shouldn’t be surprised, though. I don’t remember who it was but one time I was talking to someone she knew and the subject of my knowing Spanish came up. I was a bit surprised when this person was surprised to learn this. I had figured they already knew I spoke Spanish since most mothers would be quick to tell their friends that their daughter taught herself a language, right? Wrong. I remember feeling a bit hurt that she hadn’t been told about it, but hey, it was something Dureen couldn’t relate to herself and it wasn’t anything she had any interest in personally, so should I really have been all that surprised?

My furry boys are so damn cute when they play! Rats love to wrestle with each other, especially the males.

Our new hotspot should be set up and tested today or tomorrow. Don’t know if it’ll work or how much faster it will be, but we’ll be finding out soon enough. Either way, I can’t return to sweeping till next year. If I win a grand or something it would throw us into the next tax bracket and mess things up for us. After my teeth are taken care of and we get our next round of propane, we’ll have a better idea of where we stand. I just know we’ll be here a long time to come since we decided to get something newer, nicer and bigger. We will want to have 15-25 grand when it finally does come time to move depending on exactly what we get. My dreams already told me the place would cost 12K. They also told me Nane isn’t a nail-biter. I had a dream she was talking with someone who was nervous about something and she said she was never in the habit of biting her nails. I asked if that were true, and nope. She bites her lip instead when nervous.

I was hesitant to make this next part public, not wanting to give a certain very sick asshole the attention she craves, but fuck it. It’s my journal.

Fucking Kim just won’t leave me alone on Ask! Every week or two she fucks with me directly or indirectly and now it seems she very well may be impersonating friends. Is there no end to just who this skitzo will impersonate?

While I was able to verify that Kim does indeed have a friend named Jackie, I don’t believe anymore that the person who contacted me on Ask saying they were Jackie and wanted to give me her email address cuz she wanted to talk to me, was actually Jackie. I think it was really Kim.

Same with the person who’s been contacting me saying they were in Tennessee. They said we never actually spoke but they were told about me and I live an interesting life and all that stuff. They said they were a friend of a friend who lives in Philly whose first name begins with a K. I thought of Kaylyn and while she used to live in PA, it wasn’t Philly that she lived in. I honestly can’t think of any friends I have that live in Philly. I did, however, find out that Kim has a friend in Tennessee and alerted her as to what’s going on. She said she felt bad for her that she’s that bored and miserable. Well, I don’t. Not at this point what with how out of hand things have gotten. Enough is enough! Sure I’m sorry if Kim was severely abused as a child and about whatever head disease she may possess that’s making her so crazy. But Kim is a grown adult now. She should know right from wrong. And just like I had to tell the other troll for so long, NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT! I do NOT want to hear from this nut on any site or for any reason!

Whoever it was that said they were scared of Kim, regretted having anything to do with her, and asked how to deal with her craziness, was probably Kim, too. Especially since the questions quickly changed from that to, “How do you know when you’re crazy?” and shit like that.

As soon as I mentioned her TN friend this morning, she quit bothering me. For now anyway. Is she really that stupid not to know I’ll eventually figure her games out? I guess so! Yeah, you fucktard – and I know you’re reading this – I will eventually find out it’s you when you harass me wherever.

Really, why is she doing this to me month after month? Why is it so damn hard for her to move on? She obviously does have other friends, so why can’t she focus on them? She’s proven to have a deep-seated hatred for me. So then why would she want anything to do with me? Aren’t we supposed to naturally want to ignore and avoid those we don’t like?

But sadly, and also like the other troll, she hasn’t actually done anything illegal. She hasn’t threatened me (yet) or anything, and unfortunately, the laws of the streets haven’t quite caught up with the laws online. It’s not like I can file a cyber restraining order.

This is a very sick, twisted individual who obviously has way too much time on her hands. I doubt her entourage of shrinks and therapists even realize what her online behavior is like.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2012 I later got, “How do you deal with a crazy person,” and “How do you know when you’re crazy?” and “Do you ever wonder if you’re crazy?” and “Do trolls know they’re trolls?” and “Who’s crazier, you or Andy?”

So I’d say that no, it’s no one that’s been victimized by Kim. It’s just Kim. Just plain old crazy Kim. As I’ve said a thousand times, I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. Had I known for a minute she’d turn out this way and that she was this crazy and another obsessed stalker same as Molly, I never would’ve bothered with her, or I’d have at least let her go quietly instead of confronting her. Sometimes it’s those you least expect to be the crazy ones. Back when we were friends, as strange, slow, dumb and annoying as she could be, I’d never have guessed she’d end up pestering me like this every week or two.

Slept better last night cuz I took a Benadryl instead of that Neuro Sleep drink which caused me to wake up a lot during the night. It must contain melatonin. I got a little sneezy yesterday anyway, which tells me that slacking off on the nasal spray wasn’t such a good idea. It’s a preventative thing, so I gotta take it regularly if I don’t want allergy attacks.

I was only slightly chilly with the blanket and no fan. If I just open the vent before bed I should be fine without comforters, and Tom’s just fine with just a sheet pulled over him. We set the heat to come on between 70° and 72°. After today we’ve got a few days of rain headed our way.

We were shredding papers with sensitive material and I gave a bundle to the rats to nest in. They just love it.

My wonderful hubby is taking me to a salon for the first time in over 20 years for my birthday (and shopping) after I have my dental bridge installed. I need my hair relayered. For most of my life, I kept my hair one length and it would range between my waist and thighs. I’d only cut it every 4-5 years. I learned that the best way to avoid a bad cut (and save money) is to not bother. But now I’m sporting a shorter, layered look. It’s time to dye it again, too.

Nane suggested Strähnchen (highlights) but I don’t think those look good on curly hair.

I’m doing a variation of the Special K diet that is much easier to stick to. I eat less but more often and that helps keep the hunger down and my metabolism up. Plus a half-hour on the treadmill and 10-20 min. of arm and ab work 5-6 days a week.

Oh, and before I forget - I have been quick to bash and trash the system, from my perps to their cop friend, from my “lawyer” to the judge, and all those who had a hand in trashing my life for a while all in the name of hate, spite and revenge. Well, I don’t regret doing so for it is with just cause. However, I should point out the detention officers I dealt with while I was in jail. They felt very bad for me and treated me very well, doing all they could to make my stay as comfortable as possible. They agreed that guilty or not, no one should receive the kind of sentence I did. They were very kind to me, cracked jokes, and did their best to cheer me up along the way. Just thought I would point that out.

Later…

Years ago I got this keychain with a little red laser light on it. When we lived in a duplex in Oregon in 2004, the bathroom window faced the back of another duplex occupied by a mother and daughter. The daughter was on one side, the mother was on the other. The daughter wasn’t big on privacy. Her living room windows were right in front of the bathroom window, perhaps 10-15 feet away. There were never any window coverings on the windows.

The bathroom window was in the shower wall and I had to shower with the light off when I’d wanted to crack it at night. I liked the fresh air mingling with the hot steam.

Every night the daughter would sit on her couch facing the window. Her TV was directly below it. It was all I could do to keep from getting a little laser-happy and shining it in at her, hahaha. It would’ve been beyond perfect, too! First I’d have shined it on her, startling her and making her spill her popcorn all over the place. Then there’d be a red dot spelling “hello” on the wall behind her, hahahahaha….. SO fucking funny!!!

Sure enough, there’s been no response from Maliheh, assuming she’s picked up the message I sent a few days ago. No journal entries, just a quick message asking why I haven’t heard from her since last summer. A week after my birthday I’ll message her to “thank” her for remembering. Next month I’ll give her a piece of my mind and be as done with her as she obviously is with me.

I should’ve known this would happen and that she only befriended me to get her name out of my book. I should’ve known that if she could react the way she did to my trying to be honest with her upfront about how it would probably be best if we were just friends which she took as a “Dear John” message, that she’d lead me on and dump all over me again. I should’ve listened to my gut instinct when the first red flag went up. That was when she refused to ever call me or add me on Facebook. I thought it was strange and was like, well, since we’re friends now then why wouldn’t she add me? But I let it go and figured she had her reasons. However, not using FB much was not one of them. She tried to tell me she only checked in to see who was still alive and who died. Well, she may not use it every day, but from what I can tell, she’s pretty active enough. I then thought maybe she didn’t want to have to explain to the friends I added why I was suddenly added, and while I still thought that was kind of weird, I didn’t question it much. But now I know the REAL reason she never added me. It was because she never was a true friend and she had no intentions of pretending to be my friend forever.

Those long stretches of silence she “promised” to stop were just her playing with me. She knew what she was doing. She knew she would stay away long enough to make me start to doubt her, then claim she would “always” be my friend. Well, I’m sorry, Maliheh, but you’ve gotten rather obvious!

I was always left with a nagging are-you-sure-about-that? feeling when she insisted she never prank-called me in return, directly or not, back in MA. Then recently I was reading in my 1991 journal about how one of the callers sounded like the girl she was with in the club the night we met. Even if she hadn’t, doesn’t she realize the timing was a helluva coincidence? Who else would have pranked my unlisted number back then? The crisis center? Kim and Mark? Lori H? It’s possible, but I doubt it.

I also thought it weird that she insisted it was me who kissed her on the cheek goodbye that night when it was the other way around. I clearly remember that much. The minute I walked into the club she asked me to dance. How could one NOT think someone was interested in them after they kissed them and asked them to dance? She wasn’t falling down drunk that night, but IDK, maybe she was slightly buzzed.

She may like being alone, but I think she’s also alone because she can’t maintain a relationship without not only being the bossy bitch from hell but without the damn games mixed in as well. Just like Kim likes to be other people, Maliheh obviously likes to lead people on. Maybe she doesn’t always mean to do it, though, as she apologized for my misunderstanding her once when she said we could “get closer” after such and such a time when she was really referring to getting closer to figuring out what was wrong with her health. She also did admit she wasn’t trying to draw anyone’s attention. Ok fine. She never liked me in that way in the end. I know that. I accept that. What I didn’t accept was her befriending me under false pretenses.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2012 I got this non-carbonated drink called Neuro Sleep and it seems to help me fall asleep easier. If I could get myself to need less sleep and not be up 18 hours as often as I am, it would make holding a schedule much easier. I do seem to be getting a little less sleep-needy with age, though, so that’s good. Sometimes I still need 9 or 10 hours, but usually just 8. I very seldom sleep 12 hours, something that used to be a little more common with me when I was younger. The thing is that when I finally get around to the sleep doctor after getting my teeth taken care of and then my new glasses, they’re almost certainly not going to tell me anything I haven’t already heard. I know the tricks to slow the roll like I do when I have upcoming appointments, but it’s just not a forever thing.

Anyway, this drink helps me fall asleep after being up a reasonable and standard 16 hours, but I sure do wake up a lot along the way. Last night I slept like I do when I sleep during the daytime when he’s not around. I fell right back asleep and even beat the alarm by 10 minutes, but I don’t feel 100% rested. Close, though. Real close.

I’m just trying not to think of how we could be a few more grand ahead of where we’re at now as far as savings go if my teeth and other expenses hadn’t come up, but things do keep coming up in life no matter what.

I asked for a sign from above in my dreams as to how much longer we’ll be here, but sure enough, I got zip. I did have a hotel dream, though, I’m sorry to say. Hopefully, it’s just a possible sign saying we’ll go on vacation before the move instead of after. We have a year and a half to take the trip, but we haven’t decided yet when we’ll take it. I think we should take it ASAP, I told Tom. That has a deadline, moving doesn’t.

Andy cracked me up the other day by asking if memory foam pillows help us remember our dreams, hahaha. No, but memory foam toppers really heat you up, even this thinner one I’ve been sleeping on. So I shoved the comforter aside and threw on the fleece blanket. No one should need to sleep with fans on when the bedroom is down to 69°, so if this is enough, then we won’t have to wash the comforter next weekend as planned. We were going to wash the pretty pink one and the spare green one.

“Kim likes to spy on you on facebook she has told me so just so you know. she made an account that she can watch you on,” I get on Ask. Then, “Sorry the obsessed stalker wasted her time and energy. I now have my account set to friends only and I have deleted any public comments/likes that I can’t make friends only. I get questions like…any advice to get rid of people who are crazy in the head? And…i regret getting to know Kim she is a total nutcasewhackjob and i worry what she could do to me. And…why did you delete my question? Kim likes to spy on you. you should be very worried she is a bad person.”

My first thought was that it was really Kim. Aly, who says Kim’s been leaving her alone (really? But they were friends much longer. Maybe it’s her connection to the FBI?), says she’s never known Kim to refer to herself in the third person. This is common with MPD folks, but I guess it could be Jackie. If it were Kim or Jackie, though, why would they bash Kim and not me?

Maybe it really is someone who also learned the hard way just what Kim is all about and is being followed and harassed the same as I am. But if that were true then how does she know about me and why contact me in public? Why not contact me on Facebook and send me the link to this new account she created if she were that “concerned” for me?

Really hope it isn’t Aly fucking with me.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2012 As much as I’d love a bigger, newer place with cable internet and drinkable tap water, and that doesn’t include the Jes pest and mutts, last night’s dream was another convincing reminder that some things just aren’t meant to be, and if we try to make them be, disaster may strike. Well, maybe not disaster, but enough unpleasant things anyway.

It was weird cuz we went from hotels to renting from Jesse to owning a place we were about to lose.

The dream started in a hotel. We decided to spend the week there and only go to the Jes pest’s place on weekends because gas became so outrageously expensive that we needed to be just a few minutes away from where Tom works. It must’ve been beyond outrageous to be able to afford to rent from the Jes pest AND stay in hotels.

There was a problem with one of the guests in the neighboring room but I was afraid to say anything at first because I didn’t want to come off as a complainer when we’d just got there. I don’t know what the problem but the manager assured me I did the right thing by finally coming forward and she was glad I did cuz it was important that she know about what they were up to.

As I was packing us up to go home for the weekend I wondered if Jesse had been looking for us during the week and wondered what he’d think when he learned we didn’t live there anymore but on weekends. Then I realized that if he really needed to get a hold of us he could just call.

So two seconds later we were back home, but it didn’t look like the Jes pest’s trailer. It was our old home in Maricopa and it was ours. My dream self knew we were about to lose it, too. We had a cat instead of rats, which was weird, cuz if I absolutely had to choose between a dog or a cat, I’d go with a dog since cats claw, jump, climb and shit indoors instead of outdoors.

Tom was on the phone and while I couldn’t hear what he was saying, his tone suggested he was having a serious talk with someone about either work or our fucked up finances.

Next thing I know the roof is made of glass and there are beautiful cherry trees in bloom and forming a canopy over it. I realized this was so because Tom hadn’t had the time or money to keep up on things like tree trimming. But it was beautiful. So beautiful that I went to hunt for the camera to take a picture. However, the light in my little office blew out when I went to flick the switch and then I realized I had to hurry to find it cuz the sun was setting fast. Instead, I broke down in a heap of tears realizing the beauty we would lose once we officially lost and left the house. End of dream.

In other words, don’t try to move cuz things will break, not work, and be lost all over again just like the last two times, right?

Not sure how we could have lost something cheaper than this, but fuck it! Just fuck it. All my life I’ve been trying to escape one place after another and it’s gotten really old. Maybe it’s time to just focus on what is good about this place instead of just what’s bad about it. It’s tiny as hell but no one lives just outside our walls, gabbing and slamming car doors and trunks, even if Jesse’s Harley more than makes up for the distance between us. I hate his mutts, but we don’t have to pay an electric bill. I hate his bulldozer and all his other loud vehicles but he’d let us split the rent if we were having a tough time. I hate how Jesse rudely drops in on us without calling first, but I can blast music here all I want. I hate all the sawing, but no one walks or drives by the place, and we’re about to do something about the shitty Internet connection even if it may cost us a pretty penny and drop our savings right along with my damn teeth.

The question is WHY is something up there trying to delay, stall and stop us from moving??? Does it not want us to own again? Is Tom right in saying it’d be like living in a cemetery, something it doesn’t want me to experience given all the noisy places I’ve been meant to live in for over 20 years? Or would it be noisy without being noisy yet still mess with my sleep, especially when I was on nights? Meaning, would there be tons of car door slamming that would wake me up or maybe landscaping? I wouldn’t have expected to hear ferociously loud sounds like Jesse makes, but you can’t have that many people clustered together, old or not, and not hear things. There wouldn’t have been motorcycles, bulldozers, dogs left outside round the clock or 5-hour basketball games, but there’d have been more sounds more often. The residents and their company would come and go several times a day, people would walk their dogs, and people would be outside gabbing with friends or on the phone or trimming bushes. So cemetery-quiet? Not likely except for at night or on very hot and rainy days.

Later…

“We can’t just go get a place for 5K simply because that’s what we have to spare right now,” Tom reminded me. “It’s very important we take our time and do it right and not settle for something that’s just going to have all kinds of problems, though I understand how frustrating staying on 6 more months to a year is if it does take that much longer.”

Yeah, we should both know, after all. The white/Jew-hating freeloaders in Phoenix taught both my husband and I just how long half a year truly is. Especially if you’re either unhappy or waiting for something. Well, we’re not unhappy, but the waiting sure does get old. Like I said, time to get comfortable and just try to look at the pros of being here. As I also said, God can hate us and not want us to get what we want, but He can’t keep us here forever. So fine. We’ll live like bums for another year, but if we must do so, it sure as hell won’t be to go to another dump in the end. No, if we’re going to be stuck here another year, it’s going to be for something nice and I mean nice. Yes, we will compensate ourselves with that much. :) I just HATE the thought of staying here another year, but I’m not gonna deny the fact that the thought of going from one dump to another did not sit well with me at all. Even a “classier” dump would’ve sucked all our money dry as we had to fix and replace things. So we’re going to make sure we have a place that’s newer, bigger, built like a real house (even though it won’t be on concrete), and that is something we can live comfortably in for a decade or more should we decide to live there forever. I want something I can be proud of, not embarrassed by or that’s going to make me feel like that’s all whatever’s up there feels we deserve. In fact, we agreed to refuse to take a place that doesn’t even have a dishwasher, but if it doesn’t, there must be space to install one as soon as we get in.

They dropped my parents’ condo down 5K. I already know it’s eventually going to wind up in foreclosure and that I’m not going to get shit so I’m not sweating it. If God had no problem with me being abused and then with not allowing my perps to be properly punished, why would He allow me to get any money from them in the end? I’m a little concerned He might have Tom laid off before we get out of here, but if worse came to worse we could jump into another tiny old single-wide for just a few grand and there’s no way we could end up in the same disaster we were in a year ago. So worst God could do is “guide” us into another piece of shit. But it’d still be ours and much cheaper than this.

I wish I could at least know the date of our move! Even if I couldn’t see where we were going, when will it happen? When???

Anyway, one of the things we’re going to do to make this place a little more livable is to get a hotspot. Don’t know if it’ll work out here or if it’ll be fast enough, but if it is, I’m going to return to sweeping. I’ll use its bandwidth for sweeping, then use our regular shit provider for other things, assuming it’s connected. Rather than get the expensive phones we’ll just get one new cell, so it’ll be $75 a month and not over $100. If we can’t use the hotspot while we’re still here, it’ll be the usual $25 a month for our slow, part-time service.

With the exception of Tom’s sore muscles from working on the car the previous day, yesterday was fun. We went to Raley’s and although it was just a simple weekly grocery trip, it was fun picking out the usual things besides some new and different things to try for variety. Glade’s Walnut Mocha air freshener smells like heaven. Airwick’s Sugar Cookie is nice, too. At one point we were in the ice cream section and just as I was telling Tom it was too cold for ice cream, the store went completely black. Then the emergency lights came on. A few minutes later the power came back on entirely. It was weird. I’ve never been in a grocery store during a power failure.

I even got some fun stuff like some shiny stickers of curly ribbons and squares in various colors and decorated the bottom of my monitor and the dresser with them.

Online I ordered a 3-pack of Turbie Twist towels for $14 since the elastic loop on mine broke a long time ago and I decided that rather than keep trying to replace it with hair elastics, I may as well turn it into a rat bed and get new ones. I’d had that one for nearly a decade anyway, and while we may not live like it at the moment, we do have lots of money.

My allergies have been much better but I can’t say if it’s due to the nasal spray or the time of year. Allergies aren’t typically a problem at this time of year, so I guess the real test will be next summer.

I have 9 more days till my bridge is put in and am going to set the alarm one hour later each day even if I get up before the alarm goes off. That way when I need extra sleep I can take it but still make it to my appointment easily enough. As long as I’m up by noon on the 4th I’ll be ok. Not that it’s possible unless they come out with a cure for my sleep disorder, but with my shit luck if I can ever keep a schedule it won’t be till I’m too old to get an outside job. Oh well. Better later than never.

Tom had to replace the laptop’s mouse cuz it kept double-clicking.

We’re back to thinking we might go to Hawaii instead of Mexico. That way we don’t have to worry about getting him a new passport and dealing with customs and all that. That can be a real pain in the ass and it kind of makes you feel like a kid all over again the way they go through your stuff.

We’re wondering if Julien’s going to make it. He’s having a lot of trouble breathing.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2012 Julien, Romeo’s new roommate, has arrived, and Romeo is absolutely THRILLED about it, too! I’ve never seen this rat go so spastic with joy. It was so funny and so cute. After a quick walkthrough of Kmart (we didn’t buy anything) we headed over to the pet store, which stunk as usual and had a couple of obnoxious little kids in it just like 3 weeks ago when we bought Romeo. We figured that by now they’d have a new shipment of rats in. All that was with Romeo last time were two older white rats.

This time there were two brown ones like Romeo, a white one, and a couple of hooded ones. Julien stood out not only because he’s a hooded rat with a cool-looking dark stripe down his back (we didn’t want identical-looking rats), but because he seemed the calmest. I think he’s going to end up being more willing to be handled than Romeo is, though Romeo’s really warmed up to me. He wouldn’t even take food from me at first, let alone come to me.

Julien’s a lot younger than Romeo was when we got him and is half his size. I’m a little worried because he seems to be having trouble breathing, but hopefully he’ll be ok. The pair we had before Tinkerboy had the same problem at first and we didn’t think they’d make it.

We had enough food and bedding but while Tom was filling out the paperwork, I was quick to grab some wood chews for them in assorted colors and flavors. I think they’re flavored anyway. As much as I know about rats, I don’t know if they can see color, but I do know they can’t see nearly as well as they hear.

So we get Julien home, and as soon as we enter the place, Romeo barrels out of his hideaway and runs to the door of his cage like he usually does. That’s his way of greeting us and letting us know he wants attention. He’s become such a little beggar too, LOL. Then I open the door, open the box Julien’s in, and pick him up. Then I stick him in the cage and Romeo springs to life! He was like most rats in that he didn’t like living alone. We only had like 3 rats that didn’t mind going solo. Romeo dashed back and forth from sniffing and kissing Julien to hopping out to climb all over me as a way of saying, “Thanks, Mom!” LOL, he hopped in and out of the cage going back and forth from Julien to me.

I couldn’t get a picture of Julien cuz Romeo wouldn’t let me near him. Every time I’d try to take his pic Romeo would jump in the way. It was like he was telling me he didn’t want to share him at the same time he was determined to remind me who was king and who was here first.

Romeo was slow but through persistent training, we’ve been able to get him to follow simple commands and he definitely knows his name now. He’s also definitely not as skittish as he used to be, though he may never be big on cuddling up with me or following me around the place. He might have fun chasing me, though, as to them that’s a fun game. I first thought I wouldn’t be able to let this rat run around loose since I doubted I could get him to go home very easily, but I think I’ll be able to allow him more and more freedom with time. I definitely can’t be letting Julien out when he gets a little older without this one hopping out, too. When it’s just one rat they usually like to explore, but when it’s two they like to run around and have fun wrestling each other.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2012 Our provider finally admitted online that they’re fucked up and they’re never going to get any better in this area. They simply refuse to upgrade these old wires. So, our attempt to get them to fix the lines and speed us up is off cuz this slow speed is all they’re now offering.

Since we’re going to be here for a long time we decided we may as well go with something like either a MiFi or, as some people may prefer to call it, a mobile hotspot. The good thing is that it will be reliable and give us full-time service. It should anyway. We’ll start with just one phone to test it out here before we dump our current shit provider. Even if it doesn’t work well in these mountains, it’s still something we need to have as a backup cuz our old cell is now obsolete, and it’d be fine once we move.

The bad is that the phones are expensive and would cost $90 instead of $25, and we’d only get 10G of bandwidth a month. We both use an average of 15G now. I wouldn’t be able to upload, download or change background pictures as much. Text would be no problem, though as that doesn’t take up nearly as much bandwidth.

What frustrates me is knowing that we’re going to be stuck here another year or so. Tom keeps saying maybe something’s trying to do us a favor and not just by making sure we don’t buy the wrong place. He’s replacing the brakes on the car because you’re not allowed to work on vehicles in the park. He’s always done his own car work but now he’ll either have to find some other place to do it or pay to have it done. He says that if he had to pay to have it done it could cost $500.

I disagree. I don’t think something’s trying to keep us from making a mistake, I think it’s trying to keep us from moving altogether. I think it thinks this is all we deserve – to live in someone else’s little old shitbox. So God knows how many more months or even years of the dogs, saws, motorcycles, ATVs, bulldozers and loud trucks I’ll have to deal with. The fucking mutts drove me crazy on Wednesday. The cock was apparently out all day that day. In fact, it really spoils my otherwise peaceful and relaxing day to know that any second now I should hear the first of anywhere from 3 to 6 trips in and out throughout the day.

That’s ok. Unless whatever’s up there kills us, it can’t keep us here forever. It will probably influence all kinds of things to break when we finally beat and defy it and get what we want – our own place – but I’m not going to let that stop us. I sure am tempted to just say, “Aw, fuck it,” and give up at times, though. But uh-uh. There’s where we were meant to be and then there’s where we WANT to be. Our lives are ours, they belong to us, and we’re going to do what we want with them no matter how long it takes.

Tom found a really nice place we could buy outright right now at a park with the best deal as far as lot costs and all that but there’s no way we’d take it even if it were free. It’s backed up not only right against the mainstream but a super dumpy part of it, too. I’d never get any sleep there, he told me. Funny, though, that there’s always, always a catch when something that seems so ideal first jumps out at us. It’s too far from work, too costly, too close to trouble…too something. And no, it’s not a coincidence.

Nane and Andy had me laughing my ass off. Nane left a hilarious comment after I replied to her and Mary’s comments on a tropical scene I posted. I replied to both of them in the same comment box and to Mary I said: Mary, me too!

“Who do you want to marry?” Nane asks, hahahaha.

Nane is definitely not so much as more flirtatious so much as she’s more affectionate when she’s had a few drinks. On her nights off she typically has a drink or two. She admitted she was a little disappointed I won’t be going to Italy where we had hoped to maybe meet up, but says it’s probably better that way cuz then I’d see her wrinkles and gray hair and that would make her unattractive. LOL, I’m sure she’d still be a very beautiful woman. I can relate to her self-consciousness, though. I’d be worried she’d think I was too fat or something. I said to Tom, “Sometimes I wish I’d always been fat. Then it’d be nothing new for someone like Andy or Tammy that I haven’t seen since I was thin. I’d be what they expected and they wouldn’t be like, what the hell happened to you?!”

As I was telling Nane, my wonderful hubby may take me to a salon to get my hair dyed and relayered on my birthday, depending on how much time we have that day and how I feel. Nane suggested adding Strähnchen to my hair, but nah. I don’t think highlights look good on curly hair.

I can’t wait till she picks up her messages next week! Andy sent me a pic of a woman holding a stick in one hand while shoving a guy’s head into a sink saying it was her training Askim. LOL, it did sort of resemble her, too. The woman was tall and slim, though with lighter hair.

This entry’s taken me forever to do. I keep stopping to do other things. Sure enough, I can’t hear my husband working on the car 50 feet away, but I could hear that damn cock roar out 200 feet away.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2012 I realize this may cost me some friends, but I have something to say, folks, and I’m GOING to say it! I am fed up and pissed off to the point that simply observing in silence isn’t cutting it for me anymore. I’ve never really been big on New Year’s Resolutions, but if I had to choose one this year it would be to stop being afraid to speak my mind simply because some people don’t want to hear it. So here goes! After all, as a published author and a heavy blogger, I should know that no one’s going to agree with everything anyway. So no more keeping some of my thoughts and opinions either to myself or in private messages amongst my closest friends. I have just as much right to express myself as the next person so long as I’m not threatening anyone. Although I would never want to knowingly and intentionally offend anyone, I would rather lose friends by being honest than obtain them by not being honest or feeling like I have to hold back on some things.

I was never afraid to admit that if there is a God I feel He’s a real jerk for allowing some things to happen to others as well as to myself, so why should I be afraid to say I’m sick of this be-nice-to-Muslims trip going on? “Get along with them” is the message I see everywhere these days. “Be a friend to them.”

But how??? How do you be “friends” with those who do NOT want to get along with anyone? They hate Jews, gays, blacks, and atheists, and they treat women and children like dirt. How do you be “friends” with that? How do you reason with or buddy up to someone who, instead of respecting your beliefs and simply agreeing to disagree, wants to kill you if you don’t tell them what they want to hear and what THEY believe? I’m not saying every single one of them is like this but an alarming number of them sure seem to be and the only ones I feel bad for are the women and children. Girls are being shot in the face for writing in their blogs that they think education is important. Women are being killed in their family’s “honor” for trying to escape their abusive husbands. How effed up is that?! This isn’t something that only happens occasionally, folks, so when I see video after video of them burning the American flag and saying how much they hate us and want to kill us, tell me… how do you befriend that?!?!

You want to unfriend or hate me – fine. But don’t expect to make it MY problem if YOU choose to read this and YOU have a problem with or disagree with what I have said. I’m willing to be friends with anyone – ANYONE – who can treat me with the same respect and kindness I treat them with, but here’s where I get fed up and draw the line! I’m sick of hearing how we should have a bleeding heart for those who want to kill us simply for being who we are. Well, those flag-burning monsters that hate me so much for daring to disagree with some of their ways can kiss my tight white American ass! When they can accept me as I am, then I’ll consider being buddies, but not until then.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2012 Talked with Andy this morning about the dream I had where he killed himself. He’s still plagued with nightmares and wonders if a certain nasty group of people (that makes another group not seem nearly as nasty even though they’re plenty bad enough with the shit they do AND get away with) put a curse on him simply for stating his opinions and beliefs. At least it’s in his nightmares and not his real life. Hope it stays that way! He too, suffered many years and deserves the good things that have come his way.

We were talking about suicide and he said he’d never act out such rage on himself or someone else. That’s easy to say until desperation hits. When the government cuts your unemployment checks while you’re still jobless and you know you could never make it on the streets, these things you swore you’d never consider start popping into mind. Same with those who swore they’d never harm another person. Could a mother whose daughter was just raped and killed keep that word if she were suddenly alone with the killer?

Although I certainly don’t expect to ever be in such predicaments, I know I would rather kill myself quickly and painlessly if my only other choices were life in prison, or to be tortured, to die in a fire or some horrible thing like that. I don’t think suicide is merely about rage, but about desperation as well. The natural urge to protect ourselves from things that are too painful or that we can’t handle.

Well, I’m glad Tom got his job when he did cuz life on the streets would have been no life for us. He might’ve lasted a while, but I wouldn’t have gotten very far for very long. I hope to hell we’re never half as miserable as we once were and that no one ever forces me to harm them in the name of self-defense. Who wouldn’t if they were attacked?

Although they weren’t always sweethearts, this year alone I lost my dad, then my mom, and now my sister and a dear friend are very ill. Yeah, I just learned that someone I once loved – and still do for that matter – has MTHFR Mutation and an extra heartbeat. It’s Marie, the Italian hottie that says she still loves it when I tell her to fuck off, LOL. Yeah, she holds the record for being the only one who truly “loves my fire” as she puts it. I will always have a special place for her in my heart as nutty as she can be at times. Nutty or not, she’s so sweet. There isn’t much she wouldn’t do for a friend.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2012 That is so cool, but I’m not going to write in other languages here anymore because it wants to change my spell checker to those languages as well.

Ended up talking to Tammy yesterday. She still sounds bad, though not as bad as last time. I guess now they’re not sure if she’s got Sjogren’s or pneumonia because there are so many different auto-immune diseases that it’s very hard to properly diagnose.

My sister and I are pretty frustrated cuz the condo across from my folks just sold but theirs is still up for sale just sitting there month after month. If the thing goes into foreclosure, then I won’t get anything at all, and that’d be so God, too. Tell me He didn’t have a hand in influencing her to spend like crazy in the end (Dad probably didn’t know what the hell was going on) so I wouldn’t get anything from this woman who made so much of my life a living hell and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. Now the bastard is determined to work Tom to death so we have no time to get out of here no matter how much money we have saved. But we WILL get out of here someday. He can do something else to us at that point, but He can’t make us stay here forever.

She complained about Lisa and told me about Becky’s health problems. On FB, I wished her luck with her issues and she thanked me. I was right about Sarah not actually owning a salon but renting a spot in one. Still, she owns her business name and all that goes with it.

Next came the big surprise. She had said something about a surprise her husband had “for us“ and I thought that meant her and Mark or her and the girls. Instead, he’s decided it’s been too many years since she’s seen her sister – 20, to be exact – that either just her or her and Mark are going to come visit us in a year or two for a few days. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea, though she understands it’s best to wait till we have a bigger place. She could come now, but there’d be no room for her and she’d have to stay in a hotel. She’s welcome to do that, though, if she would prefer the privacy of a hotel.

We talked about whether or not Mom and Dad were together or what could possibly be the case with them, but neither of us has a clue. We’ve never sensed them either. I told her about Tom, Nane and the way I’d influence things, depending on my mood, in ways that were rather extreme be it positive or negative, as well as the dream premonitions. I told her how it got to the point that I was afraid to go to sleep back when all my nightmares were coming to life, but how that all seems to have stopped lately. That’s a good thing too, because not only has Andy had some nightmares about himself, but so have I. Last night I dreamed he killed himself. His life has been going so, so well. I’d hate to see anything bad happen now.

It’s bad for Bill again. His cancer returned, but as God would have it, the abusive bastard is perfectly operable and savable. I had no idea Norma’s husband Milton was battling cancer too, till Tammy told me. That’s too bad.

I also dreamed that Maliheh messaged me but I haven’t heard from her since last summer, so we’ll see.

Been having these pains in the side of my neck that makes me wonder if maybe it’s got nothing to do with my ear or teeth at all.

Went down another pound, but since I didn’t work out yesterday and ate 1500 calories, it was probably water and not fat. I’m still tired of periods setting me back a couple of pounds each month when the PMS makes me so damn hungry. All I want to do then is sleep and eat. Now I want to go try the pre-cooked bacon and ranch mashed potatoes we got but I’m simply not hungry enough for them yet.

Romeo’s getting better with me, but for some reason, he just hates Tom, LOL. Tom said he’d get used to him over the long holiday weekend, but what if that only makes him hate him more? Hahaha

Later…

Tom read a fascinating but sad article this morning before work that he shared with me and I thought I would share it in my blog and discuss it a bit. As some of you may know, people are often quick to disbelieve and bash things that are either rare, that they can’t relate to, that they don’t get, or that are just plain weird. I’ve gone through it myself where I have either not been believed or I have been overestimated. I thank you for your vote of confidence but I can’t just up and conquer every fear and phobia at will, even if some of you sure think I can and I myself sometimes wish I could. I couldn’t have made it on the streets had Tom’s job not come through for us and saved us when it did. I knew that and Tom knew that and there was no use in kidding ourselves where that was concerned. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Better to be realistic about them and just deal with them, though there’s nothing wrong with trying to improve what we can.

Despite being quick to be disbelieved because I’m white or because I’m childless or because I have some things people don’t see every day, like a deformed ear and surgically made canal and a sleep disorder, I never tried to hide these things. I have openly discussed them same as what I had for dinner or what music I like.

Sleep apnea is more “acceptable” in society mostly because it is one of the more common sleep disorders. But mine, which usually causes my schedule to jump forward 1-2 hours each day, is less common. It is a combination of screwy melatonin levels and my body being devoid of an inner clock. When you are commonly up for 18 hours instead of the usual 16, and when you are a little more sleep-needy than others (though I do sleep the standard 8 hours most days/nights, it makes it much harder to hold a schedule.

24-hour Sleep/Wake was first discovered in the 90s in blind people who could not literally see night and day. It’s a condition you’re typically born with that worsens with age. Even I’d never heard of such a thing and while I knew I wasn’t making it up as some excuse to cover for some grand truth of any kind, I first thought I had gotten myself into a very bad habit. But then why was it so damn hard to set my damn alarm and get up at the same time every day, I would wonder, if it was just a “bad habit?”

I asked Tom if he ever thought it was just a bad habit and he said no, because if it were a matter of habit, then I’d be on either just days or just nights. Not night, day, night, day…

Narcolepsy, also incurable, is even rarer. They fall asleep suddenly at random times throughout the day and night. Tom worked with a guy once whose mother was given a medication that promised to stop that so she could drive. However, she fell asleep, crashed and died. Oftentimes it is assumed that these types of accidents were because the person was drunk.

For years I felt picked on from above. The number of problems, the severity, the flukiness…all seemed a bit extreme. But when I read about this girl in which only 1000 known cases exist, boy did I feel bad for her! It was my turn to say, wow, I never heard of any such sleep disorder. Sadly, she too, was first accused of faking it, only in her case she was accused of doing so for attention cuz she’s only 17. In my case, it’s supposed to be so I don’t have to work outside of the house.

The only part that seemed a bit odd was the hypersexuality. Where would you find the time for so much horniness if you’re always asleep? Still, what a horrible thing to have to live with!

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2012 Some people really piss me off. So many abused women whine and complain that no one helps them, and while it’s sad that those that truly want help don’t always get it, what about those we DO help just to get shit on for it? Sometimes people DO try to help. Sometimes they threaten the perps hoping it’ll scare them off. Sometimes they call the cops. Sometimes they offer to take the woman in. But what do they get for it? They get treated as if THEY’RE the criminals for trying to intervene.

Just like some people have bashed me for things they clearly cannot relate to and that they clearly don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, I’m not going to sit here and say I’m an expert on these things, cuz I’m not. Far from it. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. As an adult (before meeting Tom) I’d fight back and then dump abusive people, though I was never with anyone that actually harmed me. Still, I wouldn’t have stuck around and taken it and then defended them when someone else let them have it or tried to help.

I’ve had my own share of low self-esteem in the past but I understand that my situation was very different. It’s not that I don’t empathize with these women, and I’m not saying we should throw our hands up in frustration and say, “Fuck it! Let them get their asses beat if they’re not going to allow anyone to help them,” but I can see where they might frustrate the hell out of some people. It’s bad enough to see them stay with their abusers, but when they say they do it for the kids it burns me up even more. How can staying with an abusive person be good for your kids??? Even if the guy treats them well, they witness the abuse the woman goes through, they sense her fear and tension, and I don’t see how that can be doing the kids any good. I can see where it’s not always easy to pull up stakes and split, especially with kids, but must it really take some women decades to figure it out???

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2012 Tammy’s frustrating the hell out of me. She was on FB, so why didn’t she reply to my message??? I know she read it. Why not leave a VM instead if she didn’t want to type a reply??? And what is the real reason she hasn’t sent the packages yet? Is she hoping we’ll hurry up and move so she can get our new address?

My parents continue to piss me off even from el otro lado. I know their place is going to sit there on the market for many months, if not a year or more unless it is practically given away. Oh well. Life could be worse.

My tummy’s almost flat again now that I’ve lost most of the water and bloating that seemed to go on and on forever this month.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2012 When Tammy left a message on Facebook asking me to call her my first thought was, not again! Why do we need to talk more than once every 6-12 months when it’s so much easier and more convenient to just keep in touch online? She knows I hate phones too, and how unpredictable the phones out here can be. We may both make a lot of money, but why pay for minutes or whatever when there is Facebook and email?!?!

But before I could get all that frustrated I read on to see that she was heading up to Mass General for what I guess is testing. I don’t know the details but that’s when I realized she may be too sick to sit up and write with whatever it is she’s got. She also isn’t big on writing which was why I was surprised when she first mentioned wanting to start her own journal, which she also said she wanted to ask me about. I thought that if the problem was in her lungs it would actually be easier to type than to talk, but I guess not. Still… I HATE PHONES! LOL, how did we end up swapping shoes like this? She didn’t exactly hate phones in the past but I myself was once totally into phones. Hell, I lived on the phone.

Andy said he hopes she’s ok as it’d be a shame to lose the enabler, the poodle, and then her in such quick succession. Well, I did think it a bit odd that she’d be doing up wills at her age, and I would think God would want to make sure she wasn’t around to run to if He ever felt the need to get a good laugh out of beating us over the head with money again, but nah. She’ll live. I have confidence that she’ll get whatever’s going on with her taken care of sooner or later.

Anyway, I’ll call her in the morning and then hopefully that will be it for a while and we can take advantage of the ease and convenience of FB. I did notice she hadn’t been around for about a week or so, but I had thought she was just busy.

Also tomorrow, Tom can enjoy his one day off. He can’t wait for the extra time off he’ll have on Thanksgiving and I don’t blame him one bit.

I’m pissed because my period is two days late. Very unusual for me. If I were just a little younger I’d be shitting bricks in another day or two if I still didn’t get it, but it does feel like it’s on the verge of turning itself on. Question is, do I want to work out today?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2012 Jackie S! Please stop telling me on various sites that you want to talk to me. I can only assume it’s about Kim and about forgiving her and being friends with her again. It took some time, but I have forgiven her. However, that doesn’t mean I wish to resume our “friendship.” So with all due respect, I wish you both the best, but please back off. :) There are millions of other fish in the sea. No need to waste time on boring people like me. :)

Got a box of Russell Stover assorted chocolates and OMG! They are SO good. Expensive, but good. Tom hates anything with fruits and nuts in it, so he’s having the truffles. His favorite is vanilla and mine is caramel. I love maple, too.

I gotta work out after I’ve gotten hungry enough to get some real food into me, even though I’m totally not in the mood to. I read and listen to music while I work out and it helps make it go a little faster. I have to work my arms and abs, too. The better shape you get in, the longer you have to work out, so that means I have to throw myself on the floor and do 10 minutes of ab crunching before I really start feeling the burn.

Later…

Took a shower a while ago and ugh! Someone needs to tell that bastard up the hill, NO MORE FUCKING BLEACH, YA HEAR? NO MORE!!! This isn’t Phoenix, Arizona and this isn’t a fucking swimming pool either! Now I have to stink all night long no matter how much perfume I wear or incense I burn. Yes, yes, yes, I am TOTALLY ready for what I DON’T want! I’ll take another old single-wide to have normal tap water, cable Internet, and all those little things we’ve been missing and having to do without for so long, that so many people take for granted.

After we leave then the bastard can overload the water tanks with bleach all he wants. He can even add it to his coffee if he doesn’t already do so. How can his mutts stand to drink this shit? Can’t imagine living here without bottled water.

Old enemies popped into mind while I was taking my bleach shower and I felt myself tense up with that old familiar rage. I realize that whether or not you can forgive someone who has victimized you in whatever way, you can never forget. It’s just never going to be anything I can look back on and shrug nonchalantly and say, “It’s ok. Shit happens to everyone at some point.”

Yeah, shit happens to the best of us, but it’s NOT ok. Never has been, never will be. I know what they did can never be undone. Not even if they gave me a heartfelt apology and handed me a million-dollar check, and not that they’d ever do such a thing. I don’t have to be a mind reader to know that they truly believe in their minds that what they did was ok. In all actuality, though, it was no better than anyone else who does something vengeful out of spite. The only difference is that they “got me” through the law, and sadly, what they did was legal and the part of it that wasn’t legal was covered up and swept under the carpet. Swept so deeply under it that no one can ever do a damn thing about it. Even if someone were willing to reexamine the “evidence,” it’s gone now. I read that all evidence is destroyed in cases after 7 years unless it was used in a violent crime. They may have pictures stored digitally or something like that, but any altered journal excerpts or threatening letters either typed up by them or sent to them by someone else would probably be long gone by now.

Not even months of therapy – that they ironically ordered – could help snuff much of the anger their abuse, railroading, manipulating, and shafting that I experienced on account of them caused. You learn to live with it, but it isn’t always easy. Just like a rape victim never forgets the horrible experience she went through or someone who watched someone be brutally murdered, there are those that play the victim and then there are the true victims. The true victims never forget. The anger, anxiety, and bad memories live on.

It shames and embarrasses me to say so, but I was terrified to try to legally fight them off and expose them for what they’d done once I realized what had transpired, which to their benefit, was too late. They also withheld valuable info that could’ve been a great service to me and a great disservice to them, but there was no way to prove it. So for me, it was a case of A, not being able to prove some things, and B, not being able to get anyone with the power to help me that gave a damn. Especially in a state that favors minorities. No matter how much you insist it was about their actions and not their color, people just don’t want to hear it.

But I find it therapeutic to write about these feelings and experiences even if I’ve already done so a million times, again, ironically recommended by the therapist that THEY caused me to see. What I mean by “they” is everyone who had a hand in screwing me. The “victim” and all the other corruptos within the system. The only ones in the system that felt bad for me were the detention officers I would encounter in jail. I actually miss some of them at times and wonder how they are these days.

After I was vindicated and the “cop” eventually changed professions after what was no doubt God only knows how many complaints, I was terrified of the thought of them coming after me. Clearly, they were obsessed with me, and I knew my vindication had to really piss the hell out of them. They were part of why we left the state. Not just because of what the state did to me, the barbaric laws/sentences, and the treatment of non-minorities, but because I felt like such a sitting duck. So when Tom lost his job and we lost our house, I saw that as an opportunity to escape their radar. I was terrified for a while to even so much as dare write about them in a paper journal that wasn’t online.

Then one day I realized I was letting them win by being afraid to speak my mind, and that I no longer wanted to hide like a coward. I had been their victim long enough and I wasn’t about to let the aftermath of their destruction continue to victimize me from afar. The memories were enough. As long as I wasn’t making any threats or posting any sensitive info, I had every right to express myself online in a blog that was public same as anyone else in the world, and I knew it. I don’t make any attempts to hide. Anyone with the proper know-how and determination could find me. They could be reading this right now, but if they are they would cower in the shadows and not make it obvious, and they would do so not because they were curious as to what I may say about them, but what they could “get” me for.

Now don’t get me wrong. The thought of them coming after me and harming me is still a very real and scary possibility. It’s very unlikely but I don’t rule it out. Instead, I made myself a promise – that if I lived through whatever they did to me I would see to it that they ended up with less than a potty to pee in. THIS time I would fight back and THIS time the system would work in MY favor. They would put an awful lot of money in my pocket while they put themselves in an awful lot of trouble. THIS time I could buy the house of my dreams in nearly every country on the planet while they got to experience a helluva lot more cold showers, bland food, lost sleep, and emotional trauma than I ever did.

I love the idea of being filthy rich, but still… I hope I am never forced to keep that promise. A promise that doesn’t just apply personally to them, but to anyone who may have bad intentions in mind.

Later…

I was reading about this woman who hit some newspaper with a libel suit. She lost, not surprisingly, since most reporters are slick. They print the lies they know can’t be disproven. Sometimes it’s lies they make up on their own for “entertainment” purposes, and other times they take the word of those they’re interviewing that are bullshitting them, checking to make sure that whatever they were told can’t be proven to be the pure bullshit that it is. That’s why I’m not afraid to use first names in my blog, besides the fact that I haven’t found any law yet that says I can’t. If these people can get paid to libel people using their full names, I’m not the least bit worried about stating facts, thoughts, beliefs and opinions on a first-name basis for something I don’t profit from and that’s not threatening or providing one’s sensitive info or anything like that.

Anyway, do I think this woman was slandered and libeled? Probably. It happens quite a bit, unfortunately. I was both stunned and appalled one time when I came across a site several years ago that briefly mentioned those involved in hate crimes.

“How many more people have to die?” screamed the headline in big bold letters.

Then I spotted my name and was like, whoa, wait a minute here! Who the hell died in my case?!?! Also, I was NOT charged with a hate crime. Never have been, never will be. Just thought I’d set the record straight and give you the facts because others are going to print what they want.

I swear, though, some people make their own haters. Yeah, some people will automatically hate people for no reason at all. But sometimes we make our own haters whether we like it or not just with our actions and behavior. Did anyone ever think of that? That sometimes it’s not about where you’re from or what you look like (that was never what it was about for me) but because of the way you act and the way you treat others. So no, I don’t like the people responsible for slandering, libeling, and railroading me in the name of hate and revenge one tiny bit.

But as much as I wish to hell I could undergo a lie detector test and have the results posted on national TV, I really, seriously never did 99% of what I was accused of doing way back when. I swear. I also wish they would make lie detector tests mandatory in most cases because from what I heard they’re pretty damn near impossible to beat.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2012 Aw, I was hoping they’d stop disconnecting us when they fulfill orders at night since they didn’t shut us down last night, but they just disconnected us, and they’re still shutting us down in the mornings, too. Because it’s around the same time, I’m guessing they’re connecting and deactivating people’s accounts at those times, and the dipshits are accidentally disconnecting us while they do it. Unless it’s some big old joke on their part, what else could it be?

Had a dream I was telling someone that I realized my desire to move and own our own place again was selfish and that I decided to stay here. Well, I don’t think it’s selfish to want to own places any more than it is to have your own car or clothes, but I am seriously starting to think it isn’t meant to be. A nicer, newer doublewide, that is. Things keep coming up to keep us from our goal, exactly as I predicted. The last thing I want is to struggle for what isn’t meant to be and get a place just to either lose it or have it turn out to be a nightmare that we regret. Not saying that’d be the case, I’m just saying maybe I oughta quit complaining and be grateful for what IS meant to be and just appreciate what we DO have and not so much as stay put but buy another dumpy single-wide. I have lived in dumpy places almost all my life. It’s nothing new at all.

We have more than enough money to remodel this place from floor to ceiling and even add on another half-bath and possibly another room. But I don’t like the idea of plowing thousands of dollars into someone else’s place when we can own a place cheaper than this, and no, I don’t want to deal with slow, part-time internet access for much longer either. But between various expenses that keep coming up and our shaky credit, that’s not exactly something up there eager to help pave the way for us to get our own place unless we got a dumpier one in the “sardine” park. I think they’re the only ones who will pretty much take anyone and not care about credit or things like that. Especially if you buy a place outright.

I still don’t expect any adult park to be like living in a cemetery like Tom thinks it will be, but there’s no way it could be like the mainstream. They can’t leave dogs outside all day and night. They can’t blast music. They can’t let screaming kids tear through the place. So it can’t possibly be that noisy. BUT… the trees, shrubs and grass won’t get trimmed on their own, people like to sit and chat with friends or on phones outdoors, dogs are going to run up to open windows and bark at those passing by, dogs are going to bark that are being walked along the streets, delivery and trash trucks are going to be coming and going. So it’s not going to be anything like living in a cemetery unless it’s dark, rainy or over 100°. I’ll definitely have to have sound machines on while I’m working because I’m distracted very easily even if someone or something isn’t literally being “noisy.” Tom’s sneezing can disrupt my train of thought.

When Tom said he wasn’t going grocery shopping anymore this year I thought, wow, that’s quite a diet we’re going on. But he meant at Walmart. We’ll use Raley’s and Shop Mart till then. We usually only pick up stuff there on Sundays that Walmart didn’t have, but it’ll be our regular store till the fucking holidays are over. At least Tom will get paid for them this year!

If the 5-cast is correct, we’re in for the kind of rain we haven’t had for two years. No motorcycling for the Jes pest! He can gun and run his old loud truck instead.

Romeo was funny as hell earlier and so damn cute. Tom, despite being such a nice, mellow guy, doesn’t have a way with rodents like I do. For some reason, many of them are either scared of him or just don’t want to be his friend. Just when I finally got Romeo to warm up to me and actually sit still on my lap (he likes to burrow in my robe, too) without running, Tom gets up from his chair, sits on the couch next to us, and scares the poor thing half to death. It was funny but at the same time a real setback. Now he’s probably not even going to want to come near me for the next week or so.

Saw that my old buddy unblocked me. I never could figure out why she blocked me in the first place despite saying something I shouldn’t have said in my blog, but hey, it’s her account.

Oh, wait. Now she’s blocked me again. As long as she doesn’t pester me that’s fine.

The poodle and enabler just HAD to croak when the economy was shitty. Their place would’ve sold by now if they’d dropped dead 5 years ago. But it’s still up for 125K.

I may have forgotten to mention this but Irene said she wasn’t going to add Nane because Nane’s too superficial for her. Nane’s got to wonder what the hell’s going on, though, and maybe even be a touch angry or jealous that she added me to her new account, but not her. It’s strange in a way that they were friends since they were in their 20s and each one has ended up closer to me than to each other.

Later…

When I saw I had feedback waiting for me on MD from the same person I figured she was going to tear into me again, but instead, I got this:

“Jodi, feel free to post this humble apology I stand corrected and want to apologize for my email. It was harsh and I was very judgmental considering I only hopped around reading your entries. I started reading from your most recent entries and truly felt sick that you both were in such a horrible situation. I actually wanted to help! Then the more I read, I got a bit choked (right or wrong) with the phone calls and pranks. Maybe it isn’t that uncommon, I’ve just never heard of adults doing it. Cops getting involved seems like such a waste and crisis hotlines shouldn’t be abused for such nonsense. IMO. I work in Emergency Services, so this just struck a nerve. I actually thought this is something you still enjoyed doing (like I said, I skipped all over the journal). The apartment VS motel bit, I had no idea that poor credit would create such a dilemma, but clearly it makes sense. Sorry, it’s absurd but you obviously had no other choice. The most brutal comment (well, aside from the whole email) I should not have commented on your parents and what they may or may not have left you. Clearly, none of my business. I read the journals where they helped, it just never seemed appreciated. I obviously missed all the abuse and other factors that led to all the criticism of them. I noticed that you’ve posted a few entries regarding my email (BTW: I am not Rebecca or Lindsay) I am just a girl that should have kept her big mouth shut. I said a lot of hurtful things and I am sorry. Please believe that. I’m the psycho to write a complete stranger and be so judgmental. All the best xo

ps: I had to put a random email in to send you feedback. I don’t even know if that’s a ‘real’ email but it doesn’t belong to me. Please don’t reply to that poor persons email (if it even exists). I was a bit paranoid and thought you may start pranking me :) lol. pss: The reason I read your journals to start with is you are a very good writer and obviously have some creative talent! I should have mentioned the good things!!!”

To Miss Not Rebecca or Lindsay but to Miss Random instead:

Thank you for your apology. I can see where reading around in random spurts through a 25-year journal would call for some major confusion as far as where I currently was and what I was currently doing in life. I agree that calling the crisis center wasn’t cool but I also agree that the cops stick their noses into things far less important than things they should be sticking them in. The world would be a much better place if they paid as much attention to murderers, rapists and other violent people as opposed to pranksters or those that have things to say that might offend others.

You said you work in Emergency Services, though, so you would know that not all suicidal talk is a sick joke or a mere shot for attention. It is actually very hard for me to ask for help because my MIL put a complex on me about that years ago. So things have to get pretty damn desperate for me to reach out to someone for help. Monetary help, that is.

My parents HAVE indeed helped me in the past. No doubt about that. But they also didn’t help when they could have and should have, and yes, they were very abusive to me, my sister and my brother. As a 46-year-old now living on the other side of the country, they can’t harm me anymore as both died this year just 7 months apart. But I will have horrible memories to carry with me for the rest of my life. Although I understand much of my writing sounds like repetitious complaining, it has been very therapeutic for me.

Yeah, we’re still working the credit thing out, my husband and I. We got caught up in a scam and Yours Truly also made some stupid mistakes (yes, some of it is my fault, LOL) and buying a place of our own may be a bit tough for a while.

I wouldn’t have pranked you but I did send a brief message to that addy via egreetings. Yes, it does exist. I have some programs I can run it through to tell me if it’s live, its location, and sometimes the actual owner.

Your apology has been accepted, and thanks for the compliment on my writing. :)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2012 Today I feel a million times better! Yesterday I was so damn rundown and hungry. I couldn’t even work out. All I could do was eat and sleep and eat and sleep. Telling myself not to give in to the hunger was like telling myself not to breathe. Like it or not I need to nearly double my calories before periods. I think most women do. Yes, I have gained back most of the weight I’ve lost, and no, I’m never going to lose a significant amount. But that’s ok. Now I have a diet that will allow me to lose my post-period weight gain easily enough and I no longer have to wonder each month how the hell I’m going to lose it. If I could lose 10 pounds a month I could eventually lose a lot of weight, but I could never lose that much that fast even when I was young. It is still nice to know that I have a whole 3 weeks to lose the 4 pounds I gained over the last few days. It’s sad that it takes a few weeks to lose what I can gain in a few days, but that’s life as a short older woman. It is better than gaining an indefinite amount throughout my life.

Tom is still being overworked, we’re still many months away from moving, and I still have a million health-related appointments to catch up on but life is otherwise going well. We are happy, healthy, and raking in serious dough. I just wish the rest of my parents’ shit would sell and all my appointments could be done and over with so we could know exactly how much we’ve got in savings. This will determine what kind of house we buy. We know it’s going to need some work, but even if it didn’t we’ll still want to furnish and decorate it to our tastes and it would be nice to know what we’ll need up front. I’m guessing the bulk of it will cost 15K–20K, but after that, we’ll be saving like crazy cuz our monthly expenses should be cheaper than they are here.

It’s my blog so I will write what I want. However, I will omit certain names. Well, a certain someone who I pissed off yesterday during my foul mood has taken it a bit harder than I expected. Oh, I have no hard feelings toward her or anything like that but I thought her reaction was a bit extreme when I saw she blocked me on FB and then called me a bitch on Ask. I thought to myself, if my apology (and I do admit it was rude and uncalled for to mention her name) wasn’t enough for her, then I don’t know what else I could possibly do. But then she sent an email saying she understood we all get angry at times and is more into keeping in touch through postal mail anyway, and wished me the best. So I wished her the best in return and am glad to see she won’t be going Kim on me after all. She does seem too sane and smart to be a stalking troll anyway, LOL.

Speaking of Kim and company, I did a little “test.” I left an anonymous comment from Jackie on my MO blog asking if I got her message on Ask. Just curious to see if they’re reading that particular blog, cuz if they are, I’ll hear about this comment.

Later…

So I get a message from Rebecca R. At first I thought it was Lindsay in Portland, Or. Anyway, she lives in Yorba Linda, CA and before I even got through the first few sentences I was roaring with laughter. I sent her a reply via egreetings (with her street address) because I obviously didn’t want this nutjob getting my email address.

Anyway, here’s what she had to say tonight:

“I wasn’t going to bother emailing you, but since I’ve read a ton of your entries I just have to. First, you blame everyone for your hardships, parents, ex friends, god, whomever… yet never yourself! Grow up. Stop casting spells and hoping to win the lottery as a way of life and GET A JOB! This “I can’t work, because my schedules off” is absurd!! All these suicide banters, I’m sure are nothing more than sympathy cries in hope that some suckers online will send you a few bucks. Pathetic. I never wish to see anyone struggle or fail, but I have to admit I cheered when I read your parents left you nothing. This is because they did help you and you never saw any of the good they did. You act as if they OWE you…good lord girl!! They owed you nothing. Prank calling in your twenties? OMG.. I can’t even go there.The worst for me, the living in motels for hundreds of dollars to have maid service?? Unreal. What the hell is wrong with an apartment? (for half the price). Oh, I know you will have some excuse for that too. I’ve actually showed people in a class I’m taking, some printed copies of your journal and everyone agrees, you are seriously messed up. Finding shortcuts, scheming through life, betting on the horses and all this stupid shit you do is classic. You are a total psychopath in the truest sense. You have no pride. No moral fiber. I am embarrassed for you when I read your entries. Disgusting reading.”

LOL, so “disgusting” that she read that many entries? AND she took the time to print some out for her classmates? LOL, that is too funny. And where did I say I didn’t have a job simply because I don’t work outside of the house? Oh, and we’d have loved an apartment over a motel, but Rebecca’s right. I have an excuse for that too, for obviously, the sick twist didn’t read enough to know that our credit wouldn’t have made that very easy. And I hated the maid service. I prefer to do my own cleaning so that it’s done MY way.

If I only blame others, then why did I take responsibility for the friend I lost yesterday? That was my fault and my fault only, but shame on me for not blaming the rest of the world, too!

Oh yes, and I really expected total strangers to just up and send me a few bucks back when we were broke. Sure, no problem. Everyone reads diaries about money woes and sends their authors a few bucks, right? After all, they all owe me that much for stubbing my toe in 1987.

LOL, we haven’t bet on horses in years, but fuck me for considering shortcuts, lotteries and sweepstakes. That is the ultimate sin, right folks?

As for insisting my parents have helped me, I didn’t say they didn’t. I said they could’ve helped a lot more instead of selfishly considering themselves first and foremost.

“I never wish to see anyone struggle or fail” ~ Are you sure about that? Your writing indicates to me that you are the type who takes great pleasure in seeing others suffer. If my mother could return from the dead and kill me would you “cheer” that, too? I think you would. And from what I’ve learned recently my parents are going to be leaving me something. It just may not be much.

Do send more “feedback” dear Rebecca or Lindsay or whoever you are for sure. Anyone with no pride or moral fiber needs all the sympathy you can drum up for them. Oh, and feel free to pass on a few bucks too, along the way;)

Tata!

Later…

This entry is in regard to Rebecca in Cali, Lindsay in Oregon, and anyone else who may feel the need to critique, criticize, and judge me or any aspect of my life. In my last post on MD, I included the message I got from a woman all about how embarrassed she is for my “disgusting reading” and all the reasons why. The person who, despite claiming I disgust her, felt compelled to read much of my journal and even print out copies for her little classmates.

As I’ve said before, you can have your opinions, thoughts and beliefs, but don’t think for a minute that I’m going to change my life or way of living to conform to every single cuckoo birdie that visits my journal. YOU come to ME. I don’t go to you and cram my writing, thus my life, thoughts and beliefs, down your throat. No one has to read anything I write, and I am not breaking any laws simply because I may say something you don’t agree with or want to hear. You have to learn to accept the fact that when you visit one’s blog, you may not like what you read. That’s ok. It’s not ok, however, to think you can change me simply with your own beliefs.

I could write that I was a mother of 3 who had a full-time job outside of the house and that I blamed myself for everything that happened to me, and someone, somewhere, would have a problem with that, too. Instead of being bashed for supposedly not working (though having a home job I’m not at liberty to discuss does NOT mean I’m not working), I would be ridiculed for not spending more time at home with my kids. Instead of being criticized for blaming God and my abusers, I would be told I shoulder too much of the blame and should consider sharing it a bit. Instead of being called a liar or an “excuse queen” for having a sleep disorder, I would be called the same thing if I wrote that I was in a wheelchair for something.

My point? I know no one can please everybody no matter what they write about. I know no one’s going to agree with every single topic under the sun be it a hobby, job, food, color, location, opinion or belief.

Some guy wrote at another site that we need to enforce the death penalty more often because then such heinous crimes would rarely happen. I disagree. Oh, we should enforce the death penalty, alright. I totally believe in killing killers who don’t kill in self-defense. But I totally disagree that it would deter crime. These people not only don’t usually think or realize they’re doing anything wrong, but they don’t plan on being caught either. Yet I simply allowed myself to disagree with his statement. I didn’t feel the need to bash, condemn or tell him he was wrong, pathetic or whatever simply because he believes something I don’t.

So to those of you who feel the need to bash me or to try to “get” me for speaking my mind, why don’t you ask yourself what your own problem is? Perhaps you’re just a very miserable person, unhappy with your own life and so you feel the need to pick on others. Maybe it makes you feel better to do so. Or maybe you read my journal not so much because you’re interested in anything I have to say but because you wonder if I will mention you. Perhaps you have a guilty conscience and fear some kind of exposure. Something that will let the world really know who you truly are. While I still welcome all and any feedback, think about that the next time you feel entitled to sit in judgment of me. :)

Later…

No more hate mail for me? No one else out there wants to tell me that THEIR way is correct and mine is wrong and just not acceptable? Wow, just wow.

shakes head and laughs I still can’t believe there are people in this world who will read about someone’s life and then take it so damn personally. Like it’s a major offense to them personally.

But like it or not, I DO blame my abusers for abusing me even though I am not a perfect person and I never will be. I DO blame God for letting the abuse happen, too.

Just because you may not have heard of or understand http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-24-hour_sleep-wake_disorder doesn’t make what I’ve got any less real or difficult to live with.

Also, just because I work at home and do stuff I’m not allowed to discuss does not mean I am jobless, lazy, sitting around daydreaming or trying to hide anything.

I’m not ashamed to admit that my life has been so rough at times that I’ve actually wanted to die and not all of it was because of money.

Yes, I really did make prank phone calls into my 20s, and although it was wrong and illegal, it isn’t as uncommon as one might think.

As far as other “stupid shit” I do that makes me a “psychopath in the truest sense,” no one in their right mind is going to pass it up if they suddenly won a lot of money.

So… let’s read YOUR blog and all about your perfect, correct and acceptable way of living. I’d LOVE to be shown the RIGHT way. :)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2012 I’m sure some people will get a kick out of this, but I’m kinda pissed at myself right now cuz yesterday’s hunger got so annoyingly intense that I couldn’t even concentrate on what I was doing so I fucked up big time. The little things I ate to try to kill the hunger just weren’t cutting it and I had to have an additional meal. I ate till my tummy hurt, and I’m up a pound.

Looking back on the last few weeks it’s clear that I’ve been around the same weight ever since and that I’m not going to lose much more without cutting out more food. But of course that would mean more hunger and more fatigue. Maybe I will just try to stay where I’m at. Anything is better than gaining hundreds and hundreds of pounds, and that’s exactly what would’ve happened had I kept eating whatever, whenever, even if I’d continued to work out.

But Jesse sure will continue to annoy me from hundreds of feet away. I didn’t hear the motorcycle, but in the two hours I’ve been up I’ve heard the truck and a few thumps and bangs that sounded almost like someone closing a car door right outside the place. I stepped outside to see if I could get a sense of what was going on. I heard voices for a second, but couldn’t tell if they were really coming from up at his place. I heard another loud vehicle earlier that beeps when it backs up, but I don’t think that was at his place. It’s just about dark now, so as long as he stays in for the night, all should be peaceful for the rest of my day and I can enjoy another movie tonight in peace so long as the connection holds.

Phillip posted a hello to my wall saying he rarely checks in but hopes I’m doing well. His message, like several others I’ve sent, appears unread. Really getting sick of messages not going through on Facebook and I don’t understand why this glitch hasn’t been fixed yet. The only good in messages not always going through is that now his mother and sister won’t get the message I sent telling them off. Although Phillip may agree with what I had to say to them, he still might not appreciate it. Just how many messages have been sent to me that I haven’t gotten???

I just wish some people wouldn’t send me half a dozen messages every single day. I don’t know why that annoys me so, but it just does. Rather than say anything about it to Renate or anyone else I just back off and wait a while before responding to them all. I do that anyway even with those I don’t hear from as much if I’m either busy or just not in the mood to be sociable at the time. As long as I can get online I’m usually pretty consistent with picking up questions, comments, and messages, but I don’t always reply right away. But after this entry, I’ll go respond to my 2 questions, 2 comments, 3 messages, and 5 emails which, by the time this gets proofread and posted, could have doubled.

Norma and Judy have resumed their friendship for the first time since the 70s. Andy said that even Norma remembers the mystery painting that’s supposed to be old and valuable. After 40 years one of the first things they talk about is this painting? LOL Anyway, maybe I’d remember it if I saw it, but whatever it is has obviously long since been sold off. They probably didn’t even get half of what it was worth either. If there’s anything we’ve learned from our own selling experiences, it’s that people don’t care if you have something valuable to sell. Everyone wants a deal. People are greedy and selfish and you have to either take what they’re willing to pay or not sell it at all.

Andy thinks the painting might’ve been from the 1600s and something my dad found in someone’s basement when he was exterminating. He got to keep it and then I guess later found out it was worth a lot of money. It might’ve been of a mother and daughter and hung in Nana’s place till she and Pa died.

Later…

Right now I could kick myself for a lot more than just straying from my diet, but for my big mouth as well. Sometimes when I’m PMSing you wouldn��t know it. Other times I’m a flat-out bitch and everything – even the dumbest, littlest of things – irritates the hell out of me. It’s a piss-poor excuse but it seemed that everyone was coming at me at once with all kinds of things and I felt a little overwhelmed because I was already in a crabby mood. Well, thanks to my big mouth and rudely mentioning someone’s name in my last post, which I shouldn’t have done and have since removed, it seems I have lost a good friend. A good friend who didn’t do anything wrong but was kind and very helpful to me. I deserve to be dumped, though, if that’s what’s happened and I’m guessing it has. That was totally uncalled for as I told her when I sent her an apology.

I am still, however, determined to find a postcard somewhere in this damn town like I said I would. Tom’s so sure we’ll find some at the welcome center, but when you work 6 days a week, 5 of them being for 12 hours, you have very little free time.

Like I said, lousy excuse or not, everything is pissing me off right now. My health expenses costing us and slowing us down, the move seemingly so far into the future it may as well never happen, the constant hunger that I just can’t seem to get rid of. Just what the hell is my body doing at this time of month that it needs to eat twice as much food???

I feel bad about the friend I have lost due to my big mouth, but I also realize that I, just like anyone else in this world, am far from perfect. Sometimes I say shit I shouldn’t be saying. The lesson learned: Keep your mouth shut in your public journal. People really do read the fucking thing. She almost never reads it, though, so of all the times she reads it she just had to see that entry.

On the other hand, is it really wrong to say how you feel as long as you do it in a reasonable way? Yeah, I still feel bad about offending her, but at least she may back off now and give me the space I want… until someone else comes at me a dozen times a day.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2012 We’re now thinking that instead of a long trip to Hawaii, we may do a shorter luxury cruise from San Francisco to Mexico. Maybe even see cousin Michelle along the way since we certainly can’t see Nane, LOL. We just don’t know if we’ll go before or after the move. I’m leaning towards before. Even if a break-in is next to nil in a gated 55+ park, if we go from here only Jesse knows we’re gone instead of half a dozen people (excluding anyone I mention it to online, of course). Also, I’d get a week or two off from the Jes pest’s racket as opposed to in the 55+ park where it’s supposedly quieter. Lastly, we’ve already had enough delays, so what’s a few more, right? Like the new set of luggage we’ll need before the trip, plus I need new glasses.

I had a dream Nane told me she’s really been living in the US all along. That’d be nice so long as she wasn’t all the way in NY.

They’re gonna shut us down for a few hours anytime now so I’ll post this later. Even though God just had to make sure Jesse had a motorcycle to make up for the 200-foot distance (I’ve already heard it twice in the 4 hours I’ve been awake), I’m so happy that things are still going well for us. I love the little things we do for fun and am cherishing the hell out of these good times while they last, for sooner or later what we have built up for us will be torn down, won’t it?

No! We have risen above His hate and His evil and this is where we’ll stay! Life doesn’t have to be perfect for us, but I’ll be damned if we’ll suffer to the degree that we have in the past.

I went to do my front flies and then I saw it! In the lower-left corner of the mirror, The Girl in the Mirror didn’t have such profound hate handles! It’s amazing what 5 lousy pounds can do when you’re this short. Bending over and scrubbing my feet in the shower is easier but I still have a long way to go. Getting down on the floor to do ab crunches should be as effortless as sitting in a chair, but I’m not quite there yet.

Green eyeshadow definitely looks best on me cuz my eyes are green. Purple’s runner-up. I don’t like pinks because it looks like I’ve been crying, and dark browns, blues and purples make me look like I’ve been punched.

It’s nice that Irene is back, though I don’t know why the new account and new name. I suppose she sent Nane an add request too, though Nane has yet to be around this week. Lately, she’s not on till Thursday.

Jackie doesn’t appear to have read my Facebook message. Let me guess… she never got it, right? But why has Christine appeared to have read the last two messages I sent her without replying? It’s not like her to just ignore me like that if she really has read them.

Renate has become the new Lori only she’s saner, better looking, and without the constant religious and political talk. But she pesters me much in the same way with tons of messages and comments. But she did say she doubts she’ll always be on Facebook, so maybe she’ll get sick of it soon enough and deactivate since she prefers to meet with people in person. Until then she’s still nice. I just feel bad that I still can’t find a fucking postcard in this damn town!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2012 Alison confirms that Kim does have a friend named Jackie. She lives in Iowa and has been friends with Kim for a few years. They run groups together, mostly to do with celebrities and that sort of thing. Still, my “friendship” with Kim has been over since June. She and her friends should’ve moved on long ago and have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. What low self-esteem it must take to put so much time and energy into following those who aren’t interested in you. I’m surprised she’s a dental hygienist, though. Those on disability usually attract those who are also on disability, welfare, jobless, or have some low-paying job flipping burgers at best.

Maybe I should surprise Jackie S, whose profile I found on Facebook), and hit her with a FB message saying: Please do not contact me again on Ask, here, or anywhere else. I will not, at any point, resume my “friendship” with Kim. There are plenty of other people in the world she can focus her attention on. It is not healthy to dwell on past friendships when there are so many other fish in the sea.

I have been tired all day. Maybe if I hadn’t felt like I was being rushed out of here when I first got up, thanks to the cock up the hill, I’d have taken my time waking up. But the instant I got up, I mean the instant I got up, he started gunning the motorcycle like crazy. I thought it would take forever for the bastard to leave. Sure enough, he was pulling out as we were pulling out. We met up at the fork. Tom said it was dead quiet all day till I got up. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’ve always known the noise curse was aimed at me. It’s been a fact of life now for 21 years and I don’t know why, or how to change it. I still fear we’ll get stuck with a noisy neighbor even in a 55+ park. One that’s noisy in a way that’s annoying as hell but that isn’t breaking any laws or park rules. They can’t leave a dog outdoors unattended, but who says they can’t sit outside between their place and ours and gab with company or on the phone real loud for hours a day? That’s not illegal or against park policies. Tom thinks it will be like living in a cemetery most of the time. In a temperate climate that rarely rains? I don’t think so! I think that as long as the sun is out and it’s not too cold or too hot or raining, people will be hanging out and cruising the streets with their mutts or whatever. But at least the place will be cheaper and it will be ours.

Last night I was sooo pissed off! I lost a ton of stuff when my Windows WP crashed. I will use a Mac WP from now on. I’m sick of all the crashing Windows programs do! I still hate Macs, but they’re so much safer and so less crashy. I just hate the MAC WPs because they don’t have all the features I’m used to. I hate to say it, but I have to say it – if anyone reading this is in the market for a new computer – climb out of the Windows and go Mac.

Today we went out and it was fun, though we never found the things we were looking for. Hey, life is never what we plan it, is it? But I did get Renate’s postcard from Austria. Love her handwriting too, so neat and compact. She wrote in German, then English. I read the German part first, of course, and understand all but two words!

Someone on Ask suggested I look in Walgreens for postcards, but they didn’t have any. Instead, they had a really nice makeup palette with 36 colors for just a few bucks. I took a picture of it and you can see part of my face and hands in its mirror. It’s on Facebook and my LJ blog.

I also got one of those designer imposters called Swept Away. It’s a knock-off of Victoria’s Secret’s Love Spell. Its smell reminds me of fruit punch. Got Pink Sweet Pea Fantasy too, by Body Fantasies.

Tom surprised me with some patchouli incense when he was out before I got up. It’s very potent and fresh for store-bought incense.

The Goodwill also has incense but we found them closed because they’re remodeling the place. We didn’t want to go to Mel’s Diner in the middle of a Sunday afternoon, so we checked out Incredible Pets before going home. Found the perfect rat there, only she was older and wasn’t for sale. That was too bad cuz she was such a sweetie. She seemed very calm and curious. She was a breeder, though. They had tons and tons of mice and several rats but they were all snake feeders except for a few adult rats used for breeding only.

I feel like I’m forgetting something but if I remember anything else I’ll do another entry either after my workout and shower or sometime tomorrow.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2012 Got a request on Ask from “Jackie,” who’s supposedly Kim’s friend. She asked if she could give me her email cuz she wants to talk to me. I just deleted it, cuz no thanks. If it wasn’t actually Kim herself, what could she possibly have to tell me that I need or want to hear? Besides, I don’t care to be friends with anyone who’s friends with someone I don’t like unless we were already friends to begin with like Aly and I were. sighs People just can’t let go and move on, can they? If Kim turned gorgeous or smart and sane she’d want nothing to do with me.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2012 The dentist appointment went well, though I have to go back on my birthday. Turns out it’s a two-part procedure. Today they just drilled the sides of the neighboring teeth where they’re going to anchor the bridge. They gave me the Novocain without the Epinephrine so I didn’t get jittery and need any Valium to combat the shakies. Instead, my heart raced for the first few minutes or so and my upper body felt warm.

While she may be ordinary-looking, Teresa is super, super nice. Her usual assistant, Shannon, wasn’t working today. Jackie assists her on Fridays. She was nice, too.

The subject of my entering and winning tons of sweeps came up and I explained the whole setup and things to do to make the process easier to enter more sweeps in less time. I explained about hot keying certain things to beat flash forms since Robo can’t beat them, and other things as well. I told them I stopped winning much when the economy went bad and haven’t been able to sweep much with our lousy connection, but said I’d print out a list of all my wins for them next time. Teresa was amazed that I’ve won trips and other big prizes. Still don’t know if I can do it again with all the competition I’ve got these days but man do I miss it. Gotta get a high-speed reliable connection first, though.

Anyway, the drilling seemed to take forever (and was deafening) but the whole appointment didn’t last as long as I thought it would. All they did was cement in a couple of temporary crowns today because the impressions they took need to go to the lab for the proper fitting of the bridge.

So on my birthday, I’ll have the bridge put in. Tom was reluctant to schedule me on my birthday at first while I was being drilled, but since the appointment shouldn’t last long anyway, he told Janet at the desk, “What the hell. I’ll take a whole day off that day and we can make a day of it and go places after.” I guess we’ll go out to eat and do some shopping.

I didn’t want to eat much until the numbness wore off because it’s hard to tell if you’re biting into your tongue or cheek. We went to a few stores in search of postcards, but sure enough, we couldn’t find any. Things always remain out of reach when you’re looking for them, but as soon as we finally find one I’m sure I’ll start seeing them everywhere. There are a few more places we’re going to check out. I never should’ve agreed to swap postcards in the first place. It’s not my thing any more than phone chats are. It just seems so pointless when it’s so much easier to keep in touch online. I guess to some people, though, postcards and letters are more “real.” This is the only one she’s getting, though.

I did, however, feed my nail polish addiction and I got 3 new colors. Every single one of my nails is long now but they usually are anyway. My hair and nails have always grown pretty fast.

Waking up was kind of hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. It could’ve been worse had I not been able to crash till 5am. But I slept for 6 hours or so, so I’m not overly tired and can function just fine.

In about 15 minutes they disconnect us for a couple of hours so I’m going to hurry up and get this posted.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2012 The dentist’s office called Tom at work and asked if they could fit me in tomorrow to do my bridge at noon. Tom left a message (since I didn’t have the MJ plugged in as usual) asking what time I got up today. Got up at 11:30, which means I’d get 4-6 hours of sleep, which isn’t much for me, but one day of being tired won’t kill me. I called him back and said it’d be ok to do it tomorrow. That way I don’t have to stress about my schedule for another week.

I hope they don’t make a habit of wanting to reschedule too often like the dentist I had when we lived in Phoenix loved to do. I really do prefer to go when I’m scheduled. I’m also pissed at the money my constant problems are costing us. Insurance doesn’t cover everything 100% and he loses money when he has to take time off from work. Wish we could’ve moved first. Chances are I could take the bus from any 55+ park.

The weather is shitty as hell. I like the rain and how it’s quieting the Jes pest (though I could’ve sworn something loud was running up there this morning that woke me up for a few minutes even with the sound machine blaring and me being hundreds of feet away), but I hate the cold. We might freeze Saturday night. The heat didn’t come on last night till 3am. Today it came on at 2pm. It’s only run a few times, though.

Chatted with my German hottie. She’s been overworked, too. She said my messages made her laugh (I told her to shove a Barbie shoe up her boss’s nose) and said she wasn’t 100% for Obama but was 100% against Romney, and asked me my take on the situation.

Touched base with Mary too, and Andy and I still do most of our communicating on Ask.

Poor Tom. He doesn’t get to go online much anymore between when he gets off work and goes to bed. They shut us down like clockwork every day at 5pm and we’re offline for 2-3 hours. Maybe someday we really will move, but it’s way into next year. Still, we both agree there’s no sense in calling them to fix what they simply won’t fix. Even if they did fix it, a couple of weeks later it’s back to the same old outages. Lately, I’ve been asleep throughout the morning shutdowns. We’re shut down for an hour or two then too, so 2-6 hours a day there’s no service at all. Maybe we should still consider a smaller, older place and get out of here sooner. We can easily afford that now.

The poor guy also has to work Saturday, too.

Eating 9 times a day has had miraculous results after just one day of doing it, but I know it won’t last. I didn’t even diet all that hard yesterday either.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2012 Yay for Obama for being reelected and yay for Maine for voting, for the first time ever, for marriage equality. The shitty thing is that they can take it away just as easily as they can give it, so I’m sure that at some point their rights will be bounced around like a yo-yo much like they were out here.

Maryland and Minnesota opted to remain haters in the dark ages. I still can’t believe it’s perfectly legal to discriminate against any group of people in what’s almost 2013.

Yesterday I was told that assuming sexist men were gay was insulting to gays. Not sure how they made that connection or what it was that I wrote to cause them to read that into my statement. I said I thought sexists were gay, not that gays were sexist. Nonetheless, that’s the impression they got; that it was insulting to gays.

Both Tom and Andy pointed out that they didn’t believe sexist men were closeted gays, and why. Tom’s point was basically that who you’re sexually attracted to has nothing to do with what you feel about people whether it’s an individual or a group of people. He has a point there, so I suppose that no, being sexist doesn’t always mean one’s gay. I’m sure I would still be sexist myself had I never been attracted to another woman. The way – not all but so many – guys think they’re oh so tough and God’s gift to women while they actually treat women like shit and have shit for brains is mostly why my attitude towards guys in general sucks. So yeah, I can see where not every sexist is gay, just like not every sexist hates every member of the opposite sex. I don’t care for men in general and I realize I tend to degrade them with some of the things I say, but obviously, I don’t hate every single man or else I wouldn’t be married to one and have male friends.

As always, though, I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I talk about in my journal, and there’ll be no shed tears if anyone chooses not to read it. I was writing long before the Internet ever existed. I write for me first. Sharing is an afterthought, though I do appreciate the feedback I get. It’s always interesting to hear what people have to say.

Sexist, gay or not, I didn’t want Romney to win because of his expressed desire to get BC out of the hands of women and make it harder for them to control their own bodies. That’s all one has to say for me to know I don’t want them running my country. Mormons are also known to hate gays big time and they have no problem admitting that. Again, if you want to hate a group of people, why don’t you pick a group that has actually done something worth hating instead of asking to be treated the same as everyone else?

One guy said he voted against gay marriage because he “doesn’t believe in it.” See, that’s something I don’t get. Why can’t you not believe in something but still let others do what they want? Why should others not be able to have choices simply because of what you believe? I don’t believe in Taco Bell, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out of my way to try to do what I can to stop others from going to Taco Bell.

Later…

Another warm, dry, sunny day out there. I sometimes miss living where rain isn’t such a rarity but know I wouldn’t like the humidity. Just wish the Jes pest would get rained off the damn motorcycle more often than it does. Had to hear it come and go 3 times yesterday, then a round of barking. Believe it or not, I’ve only heard him come and go once so far today, but I’m sure he’ll make more runs between now and late afternoon. I know this cock, and yes, I am using my usual sexist terms and not worrying about whom I may offend. No subject or words can please literally everyone. I’m sure someone, somewhere could find something offensive in someone who wrote about knitting a scarf. But as always, the best way to guarantee you won’t be offended by one’s blog is to not read it at all. Not even if you’re an email recipient or at least receive notifications via email. As long as I’m not breaking the cyber laws (and I haven’t yet), I’m going to add crime to my list of reasons why I tend to be sexist. Men make up for WAY more crime than women do. When has a man ever been out at night and had to be afraid of a woman???

Still, not every guy is a piece of crime-riddled and insensitive while sensitive in the wrong kind of way piece of shit. Just like not all professions are “bad.” I condemn law enforcement regularly throughout my blog what with what happened to me and all the stories of corruption I hear going on out there, but it’s not the profession that’s bad, it’s the abuse of the profession that’s bad.

The world is still too full of unnecessary unfairness that could be righted if only people would care enough to do so. That’s great that Maine, for however long it may last, voted for marriage equality, but why do we still treat animals better than humans? Not one state in the country won’t put a terminally ill dog out of its misery, but only two states will do the same for people. Why is it still not ok for everyone to marry who they want in all states but it’s ok to smoke in public and gag some people out? Why can’t blacks be charged with hate crimes while whites can be called racist for even thinking about having a White History Month? Why are so many judges going easy on blacks in court for fear of being labeled as prejudiced while they’re quick to give others sentences that don’t fit their crimes at all? I have seen so many cases of assault, dangerous driving and theft end up with just 30 days in jail while people get thrown in jail for months simply for something they think or say or believe. A jaywalker will go down harder than someone who embezzles thousands of dollars from their boss. How backward is that?

I’m surprised I went down a pound after I pigged out yesterday. I read an article that said it’s best for our cholesterol and metabolism if we eat 9 times a day instead of 3-6 or sporadically. So I’ve scheduled 1 to 3-hour small eating sessions just to see if it makes a difference, but haven’t changed my menu. I’m still doing the Special K diet. Well, most of the time I am anyway, and I’m still working out 5-6 days a week.

I love to snack on sugar snap peas dipped in ranch dressing. Wish I liked carrots and celery as much but I can’t stand them.

I was even more surprised to find that ALL my short erotic stories are not only still there but they have 5 stars! Even the one with the embarrassing typo in it, LOL. How’d I miss that? Anyway, just look for NorCaliGirl, but watch out, they’re dirty as hell. These are mostly steamy scenes from a few of my books. I thought it was a good way to see how people rated them, and well, they sure got rated quite well.

The rat loves cheesy broccoli, but hey, rats love everything. Romeo is still too timid and too stupid for a rat but manageable. Still not sure if we should bring him back or just get him a roommate. He is a bit more curious now and taking food from my hand, but still not showing any desire to be handled and explore outside his cage.

Had a dream I was single and didn’t seem to know Tom. Tammy asked me to come stay with her and so I did. But instead of having a house in the east, she had an apartment in the south. Texas, to be exact.

In real life, she asked if I thought Larry’s kid had been born. Don’t know, don’t care. I don’t have any ill feelings toward him at this point; I just don’t consider him or what he’s up to any more than some stranger in another state or country. I do feel a touch bad for the kid and mistress, though. The kid’s father is going to be dead before it’s old enough to drink, and the mistress’s life is over before it’s even started.

I was thinking of the pigs. I wonder if they could be waiting till we move to pounce on me, figuring that that would make it harder for me to run if I owned a place, but even I know that’s a ridiculous and paranoid thought. If they wanted me that bad and had I really, truly broken any laws – and I didn’t – they’d have come around by now even though I’m in another state.

But the “case,” if one really was created by a real cop, may still be “active.” I remember Maliheh saying she had two years to file on the barking black ass next door. So who knows how long they could serve me if I were in their jurisdiction. Could be a year, could be a few years, could be forever. I still don’t know what the hell they think they ever had on me, so without knowing what they made up, I couldn’t begin to say. Obviously, they either didn’t make up anything that serious or “Juan D” was just a friend of theirs. Probably Jerry. He would have more than my whiteness or Jewishness or complaints against his buddy, fuck buddy or not, to be pissed at me for. He would have my lovely rating to want to spite me for as well.

Later…

Jesse just took off and the fucking mutts are going off now. But it’s after 11pm! Where the fuck can this cock be going now? Really getting sick of all this coming and going and having to hear about it every single fucking time.

Last night I could’ve sworn I had a dream that we got a 12K place. Even in a decent park that would get us a pretty nice place with the economy being so shitty. Not super new, but it has sufficient space and something that was plenty nice enough and may not have that old brown paneling I hate so much. However, the end of the mutts, motorcycles and loud trucks can’t be that near. If I let myself dwell on the fact that we’re going to be here well into 2013, though, I’ll want to scream. I will admit, however, that the mutts aren’t going off as long as they used to. Hours now seem to be minutes, not that hearing them and all the loud vehicles half a dozen times a day isn’t annoying enough. I didn’t come here for that.

According to Tom, Washington and Maryland did vote for gay marriage, so I guess we’re up to 9 states. 9 states that could take it all away. Once GLBT rights are as etched in stone as black’s, then I’ll be happy, not that this isn’t a start.

Andy agrees with me, though, and not Tom as far as whether or not Cali is liberal. Tom considers it liberal, but I don’t. Just because San Francisco and Hollywood are liberal doesn’t mean the state as a whole is liberal. Cali is very conservative and hateful. You just can’t ban gay marriage and call yourself liberal. That’s like slapping a person and then telling them you really do love them.

I might drop NaNoWriMo, not because I don’t intend to finish the story I’m working on but because it’s too short for their 50K word minimum. I’m trying to shorten my stories even more so I can write more stories faster.

This rat is such a sissy. Even a dumb rat should be smart enough to know it doesn’t need to run when I want to pick it up, and it should remember that nothing bad has ever happened to it anytime I’ve handled it in the past. Still don’t know if I want to keep Romeo. If I knew I could get him a roommate I liked better while he was content to remain in his cage, I’d keep him for cleaning purposes (they give each other spit baths and can clean places they can’t reach themselves) and to keep each other company when we go on vacation. But I don’t know that he wouldn’t hop on out of the cage with the door open when the other rat was out and I wasn’t around. All I do know is that getting him to return home won’t be an easy task. It’s just that when I let rats out I usually keep their door open in case they want to stop home for a drink or a potty call. Some go home when they’re tired of exploring, climb into their burrow, and go to sleep.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2012 So Election Day has arrived and I can only hope that Romney, who hates both women and gays, doesn’t get elected. Most guys are gay. I honestly believe that without a doubt, only most of these gay guys would never dare sleep with another man. Still, if you’re that sexist that you want to control women and see that they don’t have a full bag of rights, doesn’t that mean you not only hate women but that you’re gay as well? Just because a man may not entertain fantasies and thoughts of sleeping with another man doesn’t make him any less gay if he hates women that much. But again, most guys would never admit it, no matter how liberal this country may become if they liked guys in that way. Why else would so many guys favor men if they weren’t gay??? Well, because they ARE gay. They just choose to remain in the closet. Not saying every gay guy or lesbian hates the opposite gender. But hate for the opposite gender IS usually a sign of homosexuality, like it or not. I’m pretty sexist myself, and although Tom may be one of the very few exceptions, I prefer the company of women to men any day. I have shamelessly slept with women and would probably still be doing it if I hadn’t met Tom or some other guy I considered an exception to my usual rule. Why? Because I favor women over men, duh!

So don’t be fooled by the guys who are reluctant to hire women; those are true gays at heart. Just don’t expect them to admit it or to catch them with another guy.

I don’t want any more “gay” presidents who aren’t openly gay yet still accepting of women, so let’s hope America’s obsession with minorities beats the gay guy. The wrong kind of gay guy, that is. He’s not going to openly call us “cunts” and “bitches” but he sure is going to try to control our bodies the first chance he gets, and the openly gay folks can forget about obtaining any more rights because they are what guys like Romney are afraid to admit they also are. Romney CHOSE to pretend he was straight and no one should have to suffer because he didn’t have the balls to be who he was.

And what is it with so many women using their kids as an excuse to stay with abusive men? Shouldn’t that make you more determined to escape? Even if you had to shoot the bastard and no one believed it was self-defense, at least you could know your kids were safe while you were sitting in jail.

Hope I won’t jinx myself in saying so but it’s been weeks since Molly’s been around. Something must be going on with her or maybe she broke her laptop. Her parents aren’t going to be able to afford to keep her in that place forever, though, so sooner or later I would think she’d be back home with way too much time on her hands and a pair of deaf, dumb and blind enabling parents who think she’s “changed.”

As for Kim, I know her habits. She’ll be back on Ask sooner or later. Every week or two she comes around. Meanwhile, I’m sure she’s reading my journal every day.

Just ate more than I’ve eaten at once in weeks. I needed to actually feel full for once and was sick of being hungry so much of the time. The Special K diet may always work so long as you stick to it, but lately I’ve been hungrier and less regular. My body’s building up a tolerance to all the fiber.

Again I’m torn between eating within my comfort zone of about 1500 calories a day, even if it means resuming the slow steady gain I was doing before, but maybe I’ll just use this diet as a maintainer since I’m certainly not going to lose any more on it. I cheat too much for it to work that effectively, especially before periods.

Here goes round #3 of the fucking motorcycle and it’s not even noon yet.

They changed today’s temp from 79° to 78° to 80°. Friday we’re on for a high of only 50° and a low just above freezing. Again, I just wish it would rain more during the daytime and not mostly at night, as that would keep the Jes pest indoors and off the motorcycle. Where the hell has this little cock got to go so often anyway? He doesn’t work, so where is he going? When Tom was out of work we sometimes didn’t go out for days.

Had a dream last night about moving, but it made no sense so I can’t see it as a sign of any kind. Especially since Tom seemed to be a few years younger. The plan was to rent a place till we could get into an adult community in Florida. Well, in the dream we moved to New England. Nothing we’d ever do at any age. If someone wants to give us a quiet place that’s 100% free, fine, we’ll move anywhere. But that’s not going to happen.

In the dream, we rented a house at the end of a dead-end. I stood in the street by myself facing our place. It was daytime and there was about half a foot of snow. There were houses and possibly apartments or condos behind me and to my right. I don’t know what was behind our place, though something seemed to be immediately to the left of it. I looked around and didn’t see or hear a soul. I pictured the place in the summertime and knew it wouldn’t be as peaceful as it was at the moment.

A split second later it was nighttime and I was inside the house waiting for Tom. I thought of whether or not we should remain in New England or head south. I knew my sister would be happy if we stayed there, but I hated the cold and snow. I also wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with the chaos that the warmer weather of the south would bring till we could get into an adult community. As I unpacked our boxes, torn between the two places, I giggled to myself as I thought of letting my blog followers wonder for a while where we’d gone – north, south, back out west…

This rat is such a huge disappointment. Never had one this shy. He won’t even come to me. Hell, he doesn’t even want to come out of his cage. Since when is a rat devoid of curiosity and the desire to explore? He’s a fucktard. If the roommate we plan to get him doesn’t help, I’m returning him to the store even if they won’t refund our money or give us store credit.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2012 Romeo is continuing to be very shy, not something I’m too thrilled about at all. A rat’s personality and habits don’t usually change and so I’m not sure whether or not to bring him back or get him a roommate or what. I don’t want to bring him back but I also don’t want to be saddled down with a pet I’m not happy with for the next two years either.

Meanwhile, with or without Romeo, it’s another dry, warm day of mutts and motorcycles. I even heard sawing for a few minutes yesterday but that could’ve been coming from anywhere. It’s going to be cold and rainy by the end of the week, but since it mostly rains at night here whenever it does rain, I’m not counting on it quieting Jesse. The rain will keep him off the bulldozer, but once the sun rises and the rain stops, in and out it goes on its motorcycle. I cannot wait to escape that little cock someday. That leetle weetle cock.

Now it’s time to eat, work out, shower, then get to work. I’ll take breaks here and there to work with Romeo and see if I can pry him out of his shell.

Really can’t wait to see if Maliheh remembers my birthday next month. Yeah, I really can’t wait.

Later…

Most rats are brave, curious, friendly, smart and playful. Sadly, this rat has got to be the shyest we’ve ever had. When I first took him out he was so scared I could feel his whole body vibrating in fear. After a few minutes, though, the vibrating stopped and I thought he would be fine after that. I mean, you would think he’d remember that nothing bad happened to him the first time he was out, right? Wrong. The second time he not only “vibrated” but he shit in fear, too. That’s something they usually only do when you first handle them in the store.

So… he’s turning out to be a real disappointment, I’m sorry to say, though he’s definitely no biter as timid as he is. He usually stays still and allows himself to be patted, too. I’m thinking maybe he needs a roommate to help loosen him up, though they are how they are and there’s not much you can usually do to change that. Still, Tom and I agreed we’d look for a younger buddy next weekend.

I was looking at a list of countries whose population is dropping. Nane’s is one of them. She’s lucky. I’m sick of not being able to go to a store or a restaurant and eat and shop in peace. I miss the days when kids were taught manners, respect and discipline. Ever since the 90s, though, it’s been quite a circus out there. What made so many parents decide it was ok for their kids to be so loud, rude and obnoxious?

My right hip continues to give me trouble at times and doesn’t have as much mobility as the left one. I guess I’m getting a little arthritic, though I thought I was a bit too young for this sort of thing. Some days it’s fine and other days it really hurts whether I’m sitting, standing, or lying down. It’s definitely not an injury, whatever it is, or else it would have healed by now.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2012 Heading out to run errands and get the new rat real soon. It sucks to know we’ll have to get to know it to the tune of Jesse roaring in and out all day on that damn Harley that even my tolerant husband finds abrasive. But it’s better than the place reeking of skunks as bad as it did last night. We don’t know what’s up with all the skunk activity this year, but OMG! It was so fucking strong that it woke me up and I had to light a stick of incense.

Oh shit! It’s barely after 8am and the cock is already starting with the loud engines. I heard either the motorcycle or a truck start up and then it stopped. Why can’t he just get on/in the damn thing and go?!

Tom got a home testing kit for diabetes. My numbers were surprisingly high - 133. I always used to think that only heavy people got diabetes, but as Tom said and the test showed, that’s not always true, not that those numbers mean I’m diabetic. They just mean, keep on exercising and keep the weight down or else!

Trying not to get my hopes up, but we’re looking to get into a park that’s not only got some nice homes and spacious yet compact 1000 or so square feet I’d prefer (why cool/clean all that extra footage?) but it’s a resident-owned park instead of owned by a corporation. This not only means the residents vote to make the park rules themselves instead of the company, but we’d only have to pay $350 a month in HO fees! Talk about a MAJOR compensation for the struggling we did our first 4 years here! Hopefully, God wouldn’t pick on our health instead but damn would we have serious dough saved! First I used to say that as long as we had enough for necessities I didn’t care if we had money in savings. Then I used to say I wanted to always have 2K in savings so we could get a new used car if this one crapped out and wasn’t worth fixing. Then I used to say I wanted 2K plus 6-12 months of expenses covered should he be jobless again which is what we’ve got saved now. Now my attitude is that you can never have enough in savings!

Later…

Romeo has arrived! He’s a little sleepy and timid thus far since we had to wake him up at the store. He looks EXACTLY like our last rat – dark brown with white “socks” and a vanilla belly. He’s 4-6 months old and was in the store for over a month. Sure enough, some kid was running around screaming at the time, which didn’t help as the attendant was removing him from the cage. But he didn’t bite or try to run. He was just a little nervous as they usually are at first.

He had two older roommates with white fur and red eyes. They were pretty wound up in comparison so we took just Romeo.

Before picking up Romeo, we made a few stops and got a lot of fun stuff minus Renate’s postcard. No one seems to have postcards in this damn town. Not the drug store, not Kmart, not anyone. So we’ll pick one up later on at the California Welcome Center if we have to. The UPS Store would also have some, but they’re closed on Sundays.

You can still pick up your mail on Sundays at UPS Store boxes, so we grabbed our mail and found a couple of surprises waiting for us. A really nice homemade Halloween card from Andy, and a sample of Tom Ford Black Orchid perfume oil in a vial from my favorite online perfume oil & incense store folks. I figured they weren’t going to send the sample after all, then I forgot all about it. So it was a pleasant surprise and it smells great, too.

We went to Radioshack and picked up some new power strips and wire ties to get most of them out of the rat’s reach once he’s running around loose. Then it was off to a drugstore where I got neon green nail polish, a cat calendar for next year, and a trio of glitter lip gloss in different flavors. Sugar cookie, gingerbread and strawberry cheesecake. I also got a bundle of ankle socks, which are good for working out. There are 4 white pairs as well as one in green, blue, pink and purple. Then I got a pair of pink super soft socks for lounging around which have little rubber dots on the soles to prevent slipping.

Our last stop was Kmart. I was really startled to see just how fat, old and ugly I looked when I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror there. BUT… there’s nothing I can do about it. We all get old and we all gain weight with age.

Got a beautiful stretch bracelet with colorful gems there, and that was it for today.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2012 Got the tunes blasting now cuz Jesse’s driving me crazy with that fucking motorcycle again. It’s barely after 1pm and he’s already come and gone twice and now he’s sitting up there stopping and starting the fucking thing.

Why me? Huh? Why me? Why do I get this type of shit every single fucking place I go? Mormons with 6 little kids, welfare bums, college kids, band members, motorcyclists, slobs, perverts, crazies… I’ve had every single type of problem neighbor under the sun. What will I be in for in a 55+ park?

Saw a promising place and although it only had 1 bath I figured we could have a half-bath installed, but then saw it was at an all-age park. Still not sure if we should go for a dump and fix it up exactly to our tastes or get something nicer, but we’ll probably go somewhere in the middle. That way it’s not a dump but I can personalize it easier. The more money we have the more choices we have, so it’s taking longer to figure it all out. I’m trying not to let Jesse’s shit and our shitty connection rush us out of here, but man am I getting sick of being able to go online when THEY say so and not whenever we want to. They’re still shutting us down in the mornings and evenings. I haven’t been able to stream music or movies in ages. I miss having a fast, reliable, round-the-clock connection! But I gotta deal with it cuz by the time we pick out a place, deal with the credit thing we’re disputing and other things, it’s going to be well into the spring. Still, just like we’re no longer the designated family poor-assed bums, we won’t always live like we’re lazy druggies either.

Speaking of living like doped-up lazies, I finally saw pics of my parents’ condo. So that’s how well they were living while we lived like bums, huh? Well, it doesn’t surprise me, but like I said, Part 1 changed and so will Part 2. They could have kept their Jacuzzi, though. Jacuzzis were never a big deal to me, though we did have one once in Arizona, as well as a pool. The pool I miss, but we’ll have one again soon enough. The good thing is that we won’t have to care for it and it won’t be full of screaming kids like apartment pools being in an adult community, though technically visiting kids could use the pool.

Anyway, Tammy called but I chose not to call back cuz it wasn’t urgent and she knows I’m not big on phones. Still not sure why she didn’t message me on Facebook or email me. If she’s got power, she must have Internet, right? I’m suspecting computer problems which would suck for the poor girl. She just got a new computer for God’s sake.

What was funny – I thought she was joking at first – was that she and Mark did up a will leaving me pictures and the poodle, LOL. That’s sweet of her, but I think she should just stay alive. We never saw the need to bother with a will ourselves. As I told her, if we die, it’s simple – do what you want with our shit and our bodies. We won’t be needing any of it anymore anyway. We have lots of nice stuff, too. You’d never guess what was in here just by looking at the outside of this dump.

She said something about Mark’s birthday, too. I left messages on her wall and privately, so we’ll see if she gets them. If not, all she has to do is email me. Not sure what I hate more, phone calls or getting a dozen messages a day online, LOL. A part of me misses the pre-internet days. But more of me appreciates the ease and simplicity of it. That’s why I don’t know why she (or anyone else) would want to bother with phones unless it was urgent or it had been a while, like a year or more. I don’t mind, however, her leaving voice messages so long as she keeps in mind she probably won’t get called back most of the time. It’s just that I know talking is easier for her than typing.

Anyway, Tom, who’s enjoying his first Saturday off in two months, brought a ton of cans to the recycling center and got $48. Now we’re rat-proofing for the rat(s) tomorrow. We’re also rearranging the living room a bit. Tom reminded me we’ve got tons of money if I want to have the carpet cleaned, too. Why would I want to have someone else’s carpet cleaned?

I don’t know what I like less, Andy annoying me with shit I’ve told him a thousand times I’m not interested in, making a joke of certain things that aren’t funny at all, or the chilling prediction he made the other day saying I would eventually experience something big in the way of natural disasters. He said he didn’t know when or what it would be. I’ve known Andy long enough to know he’s not just a lucky guesser. We’re safe from natural disasters here, but if we moved to Spain or Florida that’d put us more at risk, especially in Florida. Even more chilling is knowing God hates us enough to have us be one of the ones to be hardest hit. If we’ve got a lot of money and are in good health, why not destroy our home then?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2012 Got another cloudy day in store for us, then it’s back to sunny 70s.

Tom learned that they’ll be getting bonuses that vary between $100 - $300 a month, depending on OT. Unfortunately, he’s the most likely to do OT cuz he’s the only one who knows how to do the job he’s doing. They say, however, that they’re really going to make an effort to cut back the OT cuz everyone’s burned out and complaining. After two months of working Saturdays, we really hope he can have tomorrow off so he can bring all the damn cans to the recycling center which would practically pay for a week’s worth of groceries. Then Sunday we’re going to wash both of the big comforters, pick up Renate’s postcard, and then hopefully pick out a rat or two.

I really appreciate Renate’s daily German lessons. They’ve been helping a lot and it goes to show just how much of a passion she has for teaching since she’s doing it on her own time and without any pay. I’ve learned quite a bit these last two years, but it’s still easier to understand what I read than it is to pull things out of thin air on my own. I’m getting better at it, though, and what’s most important is that even if I’m not always 100% correct, Renate still understands what I’m saying.

But the more I work on my German, the more my Italian becomes neglected. That’s why I asked my Serbian friend to ask me questions in Italian on Ask, which I guess is her second language. My Spanish and SL would be hard to mess up because I learned so much so young. But I didn’t study Italian till 2009.

I really wish this shit with my parents’ estate and all that could be wrapped up so we could know what, if anything, to expect. I’m tired of waiting month after month, though I still think we should settle for something we don’t like that much. Not an all-out piece of shit, but I really, really do think that the more we like where we’re living the more likely something up there will be to take it away from us. After what happened in Maricopa and Oregon (despite how dangerous Maricopa became and the shitty climate in Oregon), what else am I supposed to think? Something up there does not want us in nicer, newer houses. Either way, the longer I want something that doesn’t happen month after month, the more I tend to lose interest. I’m not saying I’m giving up moving, but I’m not actively thinking and planning around it anymore either. If we find a place, fine. If we don’t, fine. There are pros and cons to both renting someone else’s place in the woods and owning our own place in the city. We could buy a comfortable enough although not very nice looking place right now. So if Tom, who’s the one who’s been looking at the daily listings, sees anything worth checking into, he’ll let me know.

I realize, though, that just because we decided to wait for a doublewide which is more expensive and bigger, that doesn’t mean it has to be “nice” or “new” or anything I’d really like that much. I don’t think it’s the amount of space that matters to whatever’s up there. All it seems to care about is that I stay the hell out of anything nice and new. Well, we could get a '70s place that’s not very nice at all but that still has adequate footage and still be “safe” from losing it. It’s just gonna take us a few more months of saving before we have enough for one of those, so I still think we’ll be here well into next spring when you add up the time it will take to save up some more money, pick out a place, and then go through all the paperwork. Like I said, I’m not going to sweat it anymore. It happens WHEN it happens IF it happens, and as always, whatever’s meant to be will be. For now, I’m going to enjoy the fact that no one lives an arm’s reach away from us.

It’s that time of morning when our provider takes it upon themselves to shut us down for a while, so I think I’ll go take my shower now. Not much else to say anyway other than that I’m pissed at myself for putting back half the weight I lost.

It was nice hearing from Alison, too. She did join this year’s NaNoWriMo after all. She might be working with the FBI full-time. I now call her Agent P, LOL.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2012 Woke up to find it raining out. Why does it always rain at night?! Well, it mostly does here anyway. I’m sure it will dry up enough to let the Jes pest outdoors again today. It was mostly quiet yesterday but I heard something being slammed around up there as well as the ATV at one point.

It’s NaNoWriMo time again, but this year I’m doing it alone since Alison’s busy helping the FBI with some phishing case and Kim went crazy on me. That’s ok. I don’t mind. The word count thing is a great motivator.

There’s been more talk of monthly bonuses at work, Tom says, but no sign of the OT backing off anytime soon.

I know this isn’t much of an entry, but there simply isn’t much to say right now.

[evoluzionidime]

·      You hang out with just a girl and a photographer and only told me after. While it may be for work and I understand that I would have liked to have known about it beforehand like I did with you. Anyway, I was fine with it.

·      You danced with a girl & she was with her ass a very close to your dick, and while you were with a group you were dancing with her alone and this is something the you I met before, the you that was so jelaus of me dancing in font (and far) of a guest OF THE AGE OF MY FATHER & not even of my own volition, wouldn’t have done & it goes against every value & thought you have shown me this whole time. This, would not be ok with it even if it was on Italian guy doing it; we would fight for sure , but coming from you it's even worst. Especially since you know I am always about the intention, & while I'm ok with hanging out, dancing norwally, that's because these are stuff that can very well be done with a very friendly intention. What you did can only have one intention & interpretation and that is SEXUAL ( you know you wouldn’t have done it with Maryna or Ako

·      What's more, you only mentioned something after you realized I was pissed

·      To solve it, I asked you to call me the day after (I mentioned the day after cause it was your day off and I knew you could've found 10 mins to call me). Then, despite knowing very well that working things out via text does not work well with me, you not only decided to keep talking about it via text but didn't text nor call the day after, on your day off. You said you wanted to give me space but it was space I didn't ask for (I specifically asked just for space to think if I could handle what happened, and I texted you as soon as I decided, which was when the space should have ended)

·      after that , you didn’t even call, kept leaving me on seen, and not even worried about how I was doing (when you asked, I took care to never say I was fine, you should have worried about me since apparently you don’t want me to be sad) and one time you even didn’t reply to a question

·      Even worst, yesterday I said told you that it seemed like u didn’t care about me at all & you didn’t even bother replying to that, leaving me on seen immediately and posting a story 10 mins later. This, to me only confirmed what I said

·      During all of this, you kept posting photos with the model everywhere you could, with also very particular songs (“Won't forget you”?) I get that it’s work but WhatsApp is not work, and mostly couples photos too? it was not really the best.

·      When you finally said you would call at 12, you told me to wait 15 mins, I texted you after 30 if I could call you and you left me on seen for 30 more minutes. I ended up calling at 1.15 when you should have called at 12.15

[im-no-jedi]

MLWTBB: Master and Commander

Part 11 of the “My Life With The Bad Batch” series, a (mostly) canon compliant self-insert story set in “The Bad Batch”  

rated: T warnings: descriptions of food and eating, implied self-harm, gun violence relationships: Hunter/self-insert, Omega & self-insert (adopted siblings), The Bad Batch & self-insert chapter word count: 2100+ words

✨MLWTBB masterlist✨

summary: when Hannah’s already hectic life becomes almost too much to bear, Master Gildish gifts her a new companion to help ease the burdens, as well as give Hannah a new friend to live with. however, the Bad Batch are not so thrilled with Hannah’s new robotic ally, which causes major tension in Hannah’s relationship with Echo and Hunter.

notes: I might’ve had a little too much fun characterizing my silly boy in this chapter LOL. and yes, I did in fact make a reference to a certain pickles meme here; I have no shame 😝

A/N: this story has not been proofread by anyone other than myself. so apologies for any uncaught errors 😬

previous chapter

Chapter 4: Something New to the Mix

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Hannah wasn’t kidding about wanting to get home quickly. With how fast she was driving, the Battle Droid assumed they’d be back at her apartment in no time. They probably could’ve flown off to another planet even. It was borderline terrifying. But the droid stayed silent and continued to hold on tight, both to Hannah and the beloved scarf he had wrapped around his head.

His curiosity eventually got the better of him though, and he ended up asking Hannah a single question. “Uhh, master? How much longer until we get to your apartment?”

“We’re not that far,” Hannah called out. “I just need to make a quick stop first.”

“Oh, ok.” It went silent again for a moment before the droid asked another question. “How long will it take to get there?”

“We’re almost there,” Hannah replied.

“Oh, ok.” Silence again. “Where is it?”

His answer came in the form of Hannah screeching the bike to a halt. The droid yelled out and crashed against Hannah’s back, sending her into a fit of laughter. He began apologizing profusely, but Hannah waved it off while continuing to laugh.

“So, where are we?” the Battle Droid asked as Hannah got off the bike.

“The marketplace,” Hannah replied, gesturing to the space around them. “I’m just gonna get a quick bite to eat, and then we can head out again.”

“Ok!” The droid began to get off the bike too, but Hannah stopped him. She told him it was probably better for him to stay there; she wasn’t going to be gone for long anyway. “Roger roger” was all the droid responded with before Hannah walked off towards one of the stalls.

The droid was now alone. This was the first time he’d been alone since reawakening from his reboot. It was also the first time he really got to look around his surroundings. They’d been going so fast earlier that he couldn’t even make out what the different streets looked like. 

At first glance, it seemed like the filthy atmosphere was a common theme throughout the city. The buildings, the streets, even the people themselves were dirty and dank as could be. Neon lights lit up the fronts of certain buildings, much like the area where Gildish’s workshop was. More importantly, it was much busier here, most likely due to the amount of various stalls that were set up throughout the street. The sheer amount of people was a bit intimidating to the droid.

Luckily, he had his cloak and scarf hood to keep him safe. He bunkered down into the fabric and shivered a bit, more so from worry than being cold. His sole comfort was in seeing his master a little ways off, patiently waiting in line for her food. 

Or perhaps not so patiently. She actually seemed to be a bit annoyed by the expression on her face and the way she had her arms tightly crossed. She must’ve been really hungry. The droid, of course, had no idea what that felt like. But it was still upsetting seeing his master in such a state.

Was there anything he could do to help?

Maybe he could get the food himself instead. Hannah was just standing there waiting, after all. Maybe her problem was she was too nervous to ask for the food herself. Poor Hannah...

That settled it. He was going to help. He’d been told to stay at the bike, but his master needed him! 

Throwing caution to the wind, the Battle Droid hopped off the bike and strutted over to the market stall confidently. “Excuse me!” he proclaimed unnecessarily loudly. “I’d like some food please!”

A Pantoran man behind the stall turned to look at him strangely. “Uhh, are you next in line?” he asked, still giving the droid an odd stare.

“Line?” The Battle Droid scratched his head in confusion.

“No, he’s not!” An angry-looking woman standing next to the droid huffed. Her hands planted on her hips in frustration. “What’s a droid doing asking for food anyway?”

“Oh, it’s not for me,” the droid began. “It’s for--”

“If you want something, you gotta get in line,” the Pantoran man interrupted. “No cuts!” Then he shooed the droid away with a scowl on his face. The Battle Droid could hear him and the woman grumbling to each other about how stupid droids were as he walked away.

On his way back to the bike, the droid spotted Hannah giving him an intense stare. “I was just trying to help!” he called out to her.

Immediately, Hannah tensed up and ordered him to go back to the bike, shooing him away with her hands. She quickly turned away and hid behind her own hands, her face clearly turning red.

“Guess she didn’t need my help after all,” the Battle Droid lamented as he plopped down onto the bike. 

But he wasn’t ready to give up just yet. He might not’ve been able to get his master’s food, but there had to be something else he could do to be useful. Imitating Hannah from earlier, the droid assumed a thoughtful pose, placing a hand under his chin and humming gently. As he did so, the scarf hood slipped a bit and fell into his eyes again.

“Oh, you silly thing,” the Battle Droid said as he pulled the fabric back again. “I only have to wear you a bit longer. Try to cooperate until we get to Master Hannah’s apartment, ok?”

The scarf didn’t respond, but he imagined it giving some sort of sassy remark as it once again began slipping back into his eyes.

“Now you’re just being rude.” The Battle Droid huffed and shook his head, making the fabric fall down further. “We wouldn’t be having this problem if I had something else to cover my head with.”

Suddenly, the droid got an idea.

“Hey, maybe I can’t get food, but I could find something else for my head!”

Without question, the droid stood up again, intent on perusing the market. All the stalls seemed to be selling different things, so there had to be at least one that sold head accessories.

“Boy, my master will sure be surprised when I come back with a new head cover!”

As he strutted off, Hannah was still in line waiting for her turn at the stall. The smell of Mantell Mix had been taunting her the entire time, and her stomach audibly gurgled. But the wait would be worth it, she’d been telling herself. Any wait would be better than having to prepare her own food and clean up after it. Plus, she deserved some Mix for all the trouble she’d gone through lately.

Eventually, Hannah finally got her turn and was given a whole bag of Mantell Mix to munch on. She took a moment to just admire the steaming bag of freshly popped Mix before heading back to her bike. 

“Alright, I’m finally ready to go,” she started before bringing a big handful of Mix to her mouth. But she almost choked on it when she returned to find only her bike, with the droid nowhere in sight. “Oh, are you kidding me?” she lamented out loud, mouth full of Mix. “That stupid... oh, come on!” Her mouth turned down into a frown as she chewed the Mix. “They didn’t even put extra salt on this like I asked for!”

With a loud groan of frustration, Hannah sat her lightly salted bag of Mix on her bike, then began frantically searching around for her missing droid.

A haze of red was all Hannah could see at first from how frustrated she was with the whole situation. But then panic ran through her mind at the thought that someone might’ve straight up taken the droid. She’d surprisingly never had anything of hers stolen in all the time she’d lived on Ord Mantell – and ironically, the only attempts that had been made on her were when one of the Clones was around. Of all the things of hers that could’ve been stolen though, it had to be a kriffing droid.

Telling that to herself made her realize how silly it sounded. Why would someone steal a whole droid? How could someone steal a whole droid? And more importantly, why would anyone steal a Battle Droid of all things?

Suddenly, a cloaked figure near one of the stalls caught the corner of her eye. Mainly, the recognizable gray scarf that he still wore. Hannah only gave herself a brief second to sigh in relief before rushing over to him.

“There you are!” she exclaimed in a huff, with her hand pressed against her beating chest. “What are you doing??”

“Oh!” The Battle Droid happily turned to Hannah. “Hello, master! You’re out of breath. Is everything ok?”

“No, everything is not ok!” Hannah exclaimed even louder, throwing her hands in the air for emphasis. “I thought you were--”

She was suddenly cut off by the stall owner coming up next to the droid with a large, flat, cone-shaped hat in their hands. “Is this the one you wanted?” the owner asked the droid while holding out the hat towards him.

“Ahh, yes! Thank you!” The Battle Droid excitedly took the hat, threw his scarf hood back behind his neck, and placed the large hat on his head. It sat perfectly on top and shaded his whole head completely, while still allowing him to see. “This is perfect!” he exclaimed happily. He turned to Hannah and curiously asked what she thought of it.

Hannah was still in a state of shock and exhaustion and couldn’t answer right away. On the one hand, she felt like scolding the droid for running off without saying anything. But it was hard to be too upset, all things considered. Battle Droids were notorious for being a bit... ditzy, according to what the Clones had told her. And her newly reawakened droid was certainly no exception. Plus, it was clear he was genuinely trying to be helpful.

Also, he looked super adorable with that giant hat on.

“It... looks great,” Hannah told him with a small sigh. She asked the stall owner how much it was, then bought the hat without even giving it a second thought.

As the two walked back to the bike, Hannah told the droid that he needed to not go off like that without telling her. Unsurprisingly, the droid immediately apologized and confirmed Hannah’s assumption that he was just trying to be helpful. He repeated her words from earlier about how he was still learning, but also that he didn’t know how he could learn better without trying.

It was impossible for Hannah to not smile after hearing that.

“Oh phooey,” Hannah lamented once they got back to the bike.

“What is it, master?” the Battle Droid asked curiously.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Hannah replied with a sigh. She picked up the bag of Mix still sitting on the bike and looked at it with a slight wince. “I just asked for extra salt on my Mix, but they forgot to do it, it’s not a big deal.”

“Why don’t you just go back and ask for more then?”

Hannah chuckled softly. “Nah, it’s... fine. Not worth the trouble of asking.” She barely had time to get back on the bike before noticing the droid walking off again. “Dude, seriously?” 

Bag of Mix still in hand, she hobbled off the bike and chased the droid down just in time for him to get to the front of the stall.

“Excuse me!” the Battle Droid proclaimed as soon as he got to the stall.

The Pantoran man from before turned around and immediately gave the droid a scowl. “You again?”

The droid ignored the hostility and instead gestured to the practically cowering Hannah behind him. “She asked for extra salt.”

Everything went silent as the man looked between Hannah and the droid, scowl still plastered on his face.

“Oh, is that all?” The man eventually said. The scowl on his face eased up as he asked for Hannah’s bag of Mix back, which she hesitantly handed over. It took only a few seconds for the man to sprinkle a hefty amount of salt over the bag, and he gave it a few good shakes before handing it back to her. “Sorry about that.”

“I-It’s fine,” Hannah replied, giving him a genuine smile. She thanked the man, then took her bold droid by the arm to lead him back to the bike. “You’re full of all kinds of surprises, you know that?” she said to him with a smirk.

“I do now!” the Battle Droid exclaimed, chipper as ever.

Hannah threw her head back with laughter. Any anger she’d felt towards him before had dissipated. His child-like innocence had completely won her over, and there was no way she could see herself getting rid of him now. The Clones would just have to deal with it.

[next chapter]

[justreadertings]

Till Death Do Us Part Chapter 7

Rowaelin month day 4: Royalty Au

Author’s note: I love u guys soooooo much. keep this in mind when u read this chapter. also happy rowaelin month! very excited for u to read this, and there should be more coming soon!-Magee

masterlist

TW: Mentions of violence, mentions of Lyria, swearing

Till Death Do Us Part Chapter 7

-

“Open your eyes, Aelin.” 

It was her mother speaking. She knew it. Her mother wanted her to wake up, and if she didn’t, she knew soon enough she would be tickled awake.

“I need you to stay awake for me, Fireheart.”

Her papa wanted her to stay awake during council meetings. He knew she was tired, that her eyes were so heavy. But he wanted her to stay up, just for a little longer. Then he’d tuck her into bed.

“Talk to me, Aelin. Come on, I know you’re still there, I know you’re still with me.”

Maeve wanted her to tell her fantastical stories about their country. She wanted to speak about souls and hearts, of what power resides in their lands.

Aelin wanted to wake up, to hug her mother, to hear the council’s ponderings and Maeve’s stories. But her eyes… they wouldn’t open. Her brain felt fuzzy. Her mouth tasted of something metallic.

“Open your eyes. Come on, Ae. Open your eyes.”

It was Rowan. Rowan was here, too. She tried to say his name but something was wrong. She couldn’t get the words out. Where was her mama? Her mama was just here, she could’ve sworn it. Aelin began to struggle, realizing that something was holding her down. She was moving, or something was moving and she was still. She couldn’t discern very much with the ringing in her ears. Her back pressed into something cold. She didn’t like this, she didn’t like being held down. What was happening?

“Aelin, Fireheart. I’m here. I’m right here.”

Rowan… Rowan… no. Rowan had a bullet through his shoulder. At least, that’s what she remembered. He had a bullet through his shoulder and she was holding him. Except the sun was bright in her face. That must’ve been hours ago. What happened?

“You cannot go any farther,” someone said, too loudly. Gods, her ears were aching. 

“I- I promised-” Rowan said, his voice wet with tears and panic. Was he ok? Was he hurt? Were they taking him to get stitched up? He needed help. 

“I know, prince.” The voice turned softer. “I know. But she will not last if we cannot have space.”

There was a breath of silence, and then she heard Rowan’s voice. “She. Lives.” More silence. “Do you hear me? She lives.”

She knew his voice had deepend in the past two years, but his words sounded… lethal. He sounded like a king. She did not know what to make of it. Did not know what to make of his soft lips on her forehead, the even softer words he spoke. “You are my Fireheart.” He pressed another, harder kiss to her head.

And then… she was gone again. Back into oblivion.

.

Rowan was there when she woke up. His shoulder was wounded and wrapped, and he was holding it at an awkward angle. When she rose, the first thing she thought- the first thing she said- was that he looked like hell. He’d responded just as kindly, telling her he felt like hell. 

Her second thought was the bullet that had gone through his shoulder.

She had remembered holding him as he bled, promising him that she would pretend to be dead already should they be found, promising her that they wouldn’t. She remembered the commotion dying down. She remembered the lock on her safe room closet had turned, which meant that only the select few people in the world had to be alive and fetch the key.

Aelin remembered the rush of relief, telling the man in green and gold about Rowan’s loss of blood, how he needed to be sent to a healer immediately, that he’d been shot. And that’s… all she remembered. After the man had listened to her- nothing. Like she was there one minute and gone the next.

Her third was that it hurt. When Rowan asked, what hurts? Aelin told him: everything. 

And she had never seen that look in his eyes. Didn’t have words to describe what she saw. Didn’t have the words to respond when he told her, “He’s dead.”

Who’s dead? She didn’t remember asking.

“I killed him, Aelin.”

She didn’t know if she believed him, even as his eyes were darker than she’d ever seen them. She didn’t know if he was just angry until he said, “After he stabbed you, I took that knife and killed him.”

Aelin had never felt less of a twelve year old than at that moment. And her heart broke, because she didn’t even care. All she cared about was that Rowan was fourteen, and he just spilled another man’s blood because of… her. 

She was not worthy of him. Was not worthy of his protection. Even if she were to be the Queen to his King one day… she would never forget what he did for her. She could never take this away. She could never be worthy of his sacrifice, not in a million years.

“Rowan-”

He just pulled his chair closer to her bed, and it was the first time she realized they were in the Healing Ward of the castle. His forehead came to rest on her arm, one of the only parts of her not wrapped in bandages. 

“To whatever end,” he whispered to her.

Aelin’s eyes watered. She knew that their country had just started a war with them, that this was not something they could return from without loss. So she only ran her other hand through his white hair, and whispered, “To whatever end.”

- 

“A wedding.” Aelin deadpanned.

Rowan swallowed, uncomfortable. She only stared at him. The council stared at them. “It’s… it’s for the best.”

Silence sat in the room, just like it had for the last ten minutes since the meeting resumed. Something had changed in the room, and the council was leaving it up to their king to deliver the news to her. She wondered if they were scared of her, or if they just wanted to witness her improperness for themselves. Aelin would not give them that satisfaction.

“Everyone out.” Silence. “Now.”

Rowan ground his jaw, glaring at her just as he did when they were children. They had loved each other fiercely when they were young, but their fights could be heard throughout their kingdom. Aelin’s father had demanded they stop, but Evalin and Maeve had come to the same conclusion: let them fight it out. Aelin was pretty sure their guardians used to place bets on them. Irritation irked her. She didn’t want to think about them right now.

“Everyone out,” Rowan finally said. And the council did it. Gods burn and damn them. 

“You too,” Aelin pointed at her guard. Anger flared in her chest. She’d been melancholy when she’d come out of her fitting, images of her father walking her down the aisle plaguing her mind… but when she’d seen Chaol, she remembered what her parents had done to her. The fact that they’d blindsided her. That Rowan had blindsided her. 

“I-”

Rowan’s eyes cut to the man, harsh. Aelin wondered if those eyes were reserved for her, or if he truly was more affected by an Adarlan man in their country’s colors. She hated that she questioned it. Hated that she had assumed so greatly that she would know the man she was returning home to. 

“Wait outside.”

Chaol’s eyes swapped between them for a moment, but he bowed, and shut the door quietly.

Across the table from each other, they held a staring contest. Tension built in the room, and Aelin wondered again what he would do if she stomped over to him and demanded to know who had given him the scar adorning his stomach. What he would do if she demanded to know what Lyria was to him, where she had come from, why he had knelt on one knee before she had the chance to come home.

“What.” Rowan finally said.

Simmering anger crawled up her hands. She decided to hell with it. “I don’t even want to look at you right now,” she said. 

His green eyes cut into slants. “You know, we just did that whole ‘not speaking’ thing for seven years. Gotta tell you, wasn’t a big fan.”

Aelin turned her back to him. “Could’ve fooled me.”

Rowan’s voice was as hard as gravel. “What does that mean?”

Aelin threw up her hands. “You haven’t confided in me about anything, Rowan. I’ve been here six hours. Six! Do you know the things I’ve heard in six hours? The news I’ve received?”

Her eyes fell to where his strong hands gripped the back of his chair. His knuckles were nearly white. “Speak without code, Aelin. I cannot read your mind.”

You used to, she wanted to say, petty. Instead, she insisted, “We are supposed to do this together. I am your equal.”

“You don’t think I know that?”

“I don’t know, Rowan. All I know is that I am now your wife before I am your queen. And it seems you want me to be neither.”

That, it seemed, made him think. The harsh lines of his face turned deep in thought. She stood there, chest rising and falling, feeling the scratch of her dagger on her leg with every heave. 

“Do you believe that?”

She willed her eyes not to sting. This was all so real to her now. “Do I believe what?”

“Do you believe I did not want you as queen? Did you believe I wanted any of this?”

Aelin didn’t know what to think. She’d been blindsided by everyone she’d ever met. She had prayed to Mala he was the exception but… now she didn’t know.

“I don’t know what to think.”

Those words sat between them for a moment, and then, he was moving. He rounded the table, a stormy expression on his face. “Aelin, I have wanted you to be queen our entire lives. I always knew you would be better at it than I am. I have always fought for your right to be queen. How dare you doubt that.”

“And yet you seem to be ok with a wedding before a coronation.” When he didn’t respond, she yelled, “We are nearing civil war, Rowan. Terrasen needs a queen!”

Rowan snapped. “I know they need a queen, I’ve been telling them they need their queen!”

“But I was stuck in the mountains for six extra months!”

Rowan pointed an accusing finger. “That had nothing to do with me.”

“Really, Rowan?” Old, bitter, ugly anger resurfaced, and she couldn’t help it. He brought out the best in her… and he also brought out the worst. She once thought it would make them a good King and Queen… but now she wasn’t too sure. “Did you even try to get me home? Or were you too busy with your fiance to notice I was gone?”

Her words had hit their mark, it would seem. They were only a chair apart now, and he leaned in, talking to her in a way he had never, ever spoken to her before. “That was before.”

“Before?” She demanded. She would not yield. 

“I didn’t know when you were coming home. I didn’t know if they were ever going to let you come home.”

“You could have let me come home.” Celeana’s voice ripped from her throat. 

His voice was gravel, his eyes were daggers. “That’s not true.”

“So why was I there an extra six months, Rowan?” She yelled. 

“The Court-”

“Bullshit. You were King.”

“I still have to answer to them-”

“You were King, Rowan! King! You could have had those people killed if you pleased!”

“Aelin-”

“Look me in my eyes and tell me you wouldn’t have fought harder if she wasn’t in the picture.”

Rowan’s eyes were near feral. “This has nothing to do with Lyria.” 

Hot, angry tears pooled in her eyes. “Tell me that you wouldn’t have gotten me home. Tell me that you didn’t wait because of her.” She hated the way her voice cracked. 

“Enough of this!”

“NOT ENOUGH! I am your wife now. I am going to be your queen. Whenever you allow a coronation to go through.”

Rowan’s anger was something she hated that she feared- she never thought she would fear him. But he was so angry, so out of his mind. She hated, fucking hated that she knew him well enough that he was just overwhelmed, that there was so much in his head. She hated that she just wanted to tell him if he talked about it, if he let all of his secrets out he would probably be less angry. 

But this Rowan did not deserve her advice. And he clearly did not want it. 

“Do you understand the amount of danger a public event like that will put you through?”

She ground her teeth. “I’ve had half a dozen years to dwell on it, yeah.”

“You were safe in the mountains.”

Aelin wanted to pull out her own hair. She was just as feral as he was. It was almost comical that they were the highest ranking people in court in the entire country. “I was ALONE!”

Rowan towered over her, and yet she just looked up at him, jaw set. They stood in silence like statues. The weight of her words could drown them. 

Finally, voice like steel, Rowan told her, “I would have you be queen now and just be done with it. But we don’t get everything we want.” 

Aelin crossed her arms, looking up at him so they shared a breath. “And what would you know about not getting what you want?”

She didn’t know if it was their closeness or their argument that made her so aware of him, but she became keenly observant of his gaze dropping to her lips. Of her own eyes sweeping over his. Celeana would say to hell with it, to hell with Lyria and Terrasen and being queen and consequences. Celeana would see what would happen if she grabbed his hair and pulled his lips down to hers for a greedy, soulful kiss. Celeana would see if he wanted to kiss her back. 

Celeana would recognize that all those years she spent hunting, killing, making fires and enemies, she’d been doing it all for the hope of just kissing Rowan someday. 

But Celeana was dead. She had to die. Because Aelin was here, and Aelin remembered. Aelin remembered everything, including the consequences of her own actions. So she pushed Celeana’s dirty mind away, and told him, “I want a coronation. Then you can have your fucking wedding.”

And just like that, the spell on both of them was broken. “This is not my wedding, Aelin.”

“You’re gonna be the one at the end of the aisle.”

“And you’ll be the one in white, that doesn’t mean it’s my plan. It’s what has to be done.”

Aelin pushed harder. “Why?”

“Because Maeve and Evalin and Rhoe were out their fucking minds and now we’re here!” 

Just as they had been all day, her emotions were wildly out of control. She wanted to curse him for talking about the three strongest people who have ever lived that way, wanted to join him in cursing their names. But most of all she felt her heart crack a little.

Her voice dropped low, and her stomach pulled tightly. She looked up at his harsh face. “Would it really be that terrible, Rowan? To have me as a wife?”

That seemed to stop his anger, too. His expression dropped, and though she could still smell the pine and snow coming from him, he didn’t seem to tower over her as much. They just seemed to be… standing there. 

Finally, Rowan dragged a hand through his short hair, and then over his tired face. And he muttered into that stupid fucking gold ring, talking so low Aelin could not hear him. 

“What?” She asked him to repeat, her heart thumping, awaiting his answer.

Something was tormenting him when he removed his hand over his face, and all the anger had dripped away. Suddenly, she saw the same boy who held her after the first attack on the palace. She saw the boy who wanted nothing but her protection. Her heart pulled horribly in her chest. It was the same devastated look he had on his face when he answered her.

“Lyria’s pregnant.” 

-

-its funny bc it's gonna get worse. anyway, everyone get ready for a royal wedding!

Taglist: @leiawritesstories @tomtenadia​ @fireheart-violet​ @backtobl4ck​​ @morganofthewildfire​ @rowaelinismyotp ​ @aelinchocolatelover ​ @thegreyj​​  @foughtconquered ​ @swankii-art-teacher ​ @booklover242​​ @stardelia​​  @numbers-colors-fashion ​ @bookcide​​

[huge-enthusiast]

MIRACULOUS FIC RECOMENDATIONS!! (Part 2)

You can find part 1 here.

The first one was really popular! So I decided to make a second part.

The rules are the same:

All of the fics will be rated Teen and up audiences or lower. Also if I don’t put the author’s tumblr is because they didn’t put it in the fic or/and I couldn’t find it.

The only thing that changes is that I would be putting the pairing in the description of the fic.

Without further ado...

Written in the Stars by Boogum (@botherkupo here on tumblr!)

Pairing: Marichat and Adrienette.

He was the god of destruction. She was a princess whose kingdom had been prophesied to fall. To save her people, she became his wife. To save him, she would have to do the impossible. The castle has secrets, the gods are watching, and time is running out.

Chapters: 37/37

TW for mild violence.

Arrange marriage, God AU. While I'm making this list, I still haven't finished the fic, but I had to recommend it because is THAT good. The way I gasped out loud while reading some of the plot twists. The worldbuilding is so good, and even if you aren't into AUs that deviate a lot from cannon like me, I 100% reccomend it.

Need a Lift? again by Boogum.

Pairing: DJWifi

Getting stranded on a foreign planet sucked. Luckily for Nino, his rival was willing to give him a lift home. Unluckily for Nino, she was beautiful and funny and he might just be in love with her.

Chapters: 1/1

Space Bounty Hunter AU! Really sweet and funny. If you are into flustered!Nino then this fic is for you.

hey, you by peachcitt (@peachcitt here on tumblr!)

Pairing: Adrienette

“Have you ever had a dream about someone that changes the way you think of them?”

or Adrien has a dream about Marinette.

Chapters: 1/1

Okay so, peachcitt is one of my favorite ml writers. Everything that they write is sooo good y'all, and i'm already a sucker for adrienette, so I cannot recommend this fic (or any of theirs) enough.

double dare again by peachcitt (I told ya!)

Pairing: Ladrien (with lots of sided ladynoir)

“Don’t ever do that again,” Marinette says, maybe a little too emphatically, and Adrien looks at her, his expression quiet. His cheeks, Marinette notices, are a little red.

“But I wanted to save you,” he says.

or Ladybug and Adrien can't seem to stop running into each other. (whether that is on accident or on purpose is nobody's business but their own, of course).

Chapters: 30/30

This was a ladrien june fic! Every chapter corresponds to the day's prompts but it also continues a story. If that doesn't make you want to read it then I don't know what it will. I fear fanfic writers, they're insane.

(not) so much by therentyoupay (@therentyoupayfanfiction here on tumblr!)

Pairing: Marichat and adrienette

(The claws are sharp, but the host of Destruction—for all of his loudmouth chaos and lack of reserve—is paradoxically careful.)

Chapters: 1/1

In which Chat Noir pays a visit not long after Marinette has made a pretty difficult decision, and they accidentally make a routine.

Prompt: Marinette gives Chat a hickey. Adrien has a suspiciously similar looking hickey the next day at school...

Gotta be honest with y'all, I did not expect this fic to be as good as it is. The adrienette has everything a stablished!Marichat should have. Marinette conflicted with her feelings? Check. Adrien being a hot mess bc That's My Girlfriend But She Doesn't Know That? Check. Them being absolute idiots? Check. It's good!

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News (Your Lips Is The Only Cure I Could Use) by BreG21.

Pairing: Adrienette

Rainwater sloshed up from the pools they had made on the sidewalk and coated his jean pants with every step he took. He couldn't bring himself to care.

He sniffed away some of the water that dribbled down his matted head. "Yeah?"

He paused as if to consider his words while Adrien stared down at him, so lost. "You weren't wrong when you thought you knew. A part of you wanted it to be her, but it was too perfect, you let the illusion fool you because how would you get that lucky. But trust me, Adrien. You weren't wrong."

He wasn't wrong? What was he not wrong about?

You weren't wrong. You want it to be her.

And it finally clicked as a small gasp wisped past his lips. He wasn't wrong.

In which, Plagg falls ill, and with Fu gone and Ladybug being the guardian now, has to go find her civilian self-even with the knowledge that she might not like that-is shocked to realize that even with having the kwami that was supposed to embodied the very being of bad luck, Adrien could conclude the very opposite of what he had thought for so long.

He was so very lucky.

Chapters: 1/1

I screamed so hard while reading this fic. It's just one of those who gets the characters right. Do you like a good reveal? Go read this now.

Operation Mega Sleepover by InTheWild (@smellerbeee here on tumblr!)

Pairing: Adrienette

When Alya and Nino drop out of their long awaited mega-sleepover at the last minute, it leaves Marinette and Adrien alone together for the night. An Adrinette one-shot with lots of fluff and sleepover shenanigans.

Chapters: 1/1

I just,,, I love adrienette fluff so much,,, I love them,,,

You, Me & A Little Bit Of The Future by joonapeach.

Pairing: this is a fortunate case of all lovesquare shenanigans™

Marinette expects some disaster on her first outing alone with Adrien.

She just doesn't expect that disaster to be her future self passing off a baby for her to take care of with Adrien.

(Alternatively... two idiots obliviously in love cooing over their daughter while acting like they have no idea whose kid this is.)

Chapters: 1/1

I think the description says anything that it needs to be said. It's really sweet and funny and I love how they just change their minds so quickly and get emo for literally nothing. Peak shakesperean dumbasery.

The entire Marry That Girl series by Miraculous_Max (Maximilian_Alexander).

Pairing: Adrienette

Let’s say Marinette has a special sketchbook. This sketchbook is filled with drawings of their future house, of Adrien as an adult in multiple occupational settings, of Marinette and Adrien’s wedding, and most importantly, their future children.

Let's say Adrien found this sketchbook.

Works: 8 (All are 1/1 chapters)

Just realized how this list exposes me as number 1 adrienette sucker... oh well. I love how Adrien doesn't feel weirded out by the intensity of Marinette's crush. He likes it! He's as weird and romantic as her! That's one of the reasons I love the lovesquare so much and it makes me happy to see that everyone is in the same boat with me.

Strenght by 11JJ11.

Pairing: Adrienette

Marinette knew she was much stronger than she looked thanks to being a hero. So when her class had an arm wrestling contest she knew that she could beat all of them with ease, but she wasn't expecting anyone else to come close.

Chapters: 1/1

Good ol' accidental reveal feat. the entire class shenanigans. I, once again, screamed for an adrienette fic. Who could've thought.

Super Fan by Taliax.

Pairing: Ladrien

It was a good thing Alya was holding the phone and not her, because it would have slipped from her fingers and shattered. How had she not noticed? She had been there, and somehow she’d missed her crush looking at her like she was an angel sent from heaven.

Forget the perfume ad. This picture was going to be her new desktop.

(In which Marinette realizes that she and Adrien might both be obsessive fans.)

Chapters: 1/1

Canon divergent from after Gorizilla. They're so dumb. That's my opinion on this fic.

How to Kiss Your Crush in Five Minutes or Less also by Taliax.

Pairing: Ladrien

He just needed to know if Ladybug needed Chat Noir. He didn't expect to learn just how much she wanted Adrien.

This would be the best five minutes of his life, if he didn't expect her to forget it.

Chapters: 1/1

CW for making out.

Set during Desperada. I promise there's a happy ending. Also Luka is there for some reason, felt really bad for him.

Laying Down the Rules: The Gabriel Agreste Clauses by LadyKae

Gen

Adrien leaves the manor on a dark and stormy night and seeks sanctuary at the only place he feels safe: The Home of the Dupain-Cheng Family. When Sabine learns why her dear boy is fleeing to her home in the middle of the night, she makes a personal visit to one Gabriel Agreste.

There's more rules in play, but not for Adrien and Marinette.

Chapters: 1/1

This is just Sabine going to beat the fuck out of Gabriel and it's really satifying ngl

4am. by hannieks

Pairing: post-reveal lovesquare

In which Adrien has the cat tendency to wake up their owners at stupid o'clock, and Marinette just wants to sleep. Cuteness ensues.

Chapters: 1/1

Really short but really sweet. If you like Adrien acting like a cat then you would like this.

Can I Date You(r Character)? by midnightstarlightwrites (@midnightstarlightwrites here on tumblr!)

Pairing: Adrienette

Adrien turned to her, something unreadable in his gaze. “Are you ok with this?” he asked.

And what a loaded question that was. Was she ok with it? Was she ok with the one guy she couldn’t seem to get over in real life kissing her in a game of Dungeons and Dragons? When she put it like that, it seemed a bit silly to get so worked up.

It was just a game...right?

She was ok with it, right?

“Sure,” she lied. “I’m ok with it.”

When Adrien's character falls in love with Marinette's, they decided to date in-game. What could go wrong?

Chapters: 7/?

THIS ONE IS SO CUTE. You want to scream??? Read this.

two idiots and a hamster by Boogum (again) and carpisuns (@carpisuns here on tumblr)

Pairing: Adrienette

How do you hide your superhero identity from your roommate? (spoiler alert: badly)

Chapters: 5/?

Once @anna-scribbles described this fic as "is literally the closest i’ve ever seen a fic come to matching the energy of canon", and I couldn't have described it better.

And that's all for now! Next time I will probably make an only DJWifi list since I've been treating them so dirty lol.

[twinkleimagines]

*can we still be friends?*

You and Drew dated throughout high school and even college, but after college Drew decided to move to Atlanta, leaving you behind with a broken heart. Years later you find eachother by accident , and Drew wants to spark things back up.

WARNING : smut, language!

- also, this was not proof read so fair warning 😂

“ OH MY GOD!” You screamed as you looked over your recent email you had just received .

“ what?!” Your roommate yelled from her bedroom in panic. You met her in the hallway from your room, a wide grin on your face as you held your phone against your chest.

“ y/n if you don’t tell me what the hell you’re up here screaming for “ she replied before you turned your phone around facing her .

“ no fucking way “ she beamed in excitement as she read the email.

“ I got the part “ you grinned excitedly. You had been auditioning for acting parts since you had graduated college . You had gotten small one - two line scenes that paid decent but you had yet to get a big role. Today though you had gotten an email from your agent that you had gotten the role for a character on a new Netflix show called ‘ outer banks’ . You had gotten the role to be a pogue. You weren’t a main character but you were going to be definitely known on screen .

“ oh my fucking god!” She screamed out , you both jumping with excitement.

“Wait when do you start? Where are they filming?” She asked .

“ Charleston South Carolina ! It says I’m suppose to be there by tomorrow morning “ you beamed.

“ we’ll what the hell are you doing still standing here ?! Go pack! “ she demanded.

****

“Y/n you ready?” You agent asked from the Uber you were both in.

“ I am so ready” you beamed excitedly.

“ okay we’ll were meeting some of the producers and casts for a chemistry reading “ you looked over at her in confusion.

“ but I already did a chemistry reading “ you replied.

“ yes with the ‘ pogues’ “ she replied. “ your character is going to be having most her interactions with two ‘kooks’ and they just want to test the waters to see how well you guys don’t get along”. You shook your head.

“ oh, whatever “ you shrugged. It didn’t take long to get to the location that you would soon be filming at and you had honestly became overly excited.

“ Hi y/n I’m Jonas, we talked briefly over the phone a few times” Jonas said while shaking your hand.

“ yes I remember , hi!” You replied excitedly .

“ okay so I’m going to have you come into this room and then you and a couple of the other actors are just going to go over your lines , nothing to major” he reassured. You nodded in agreement following behind .

You walked in, almost stopping dead in your tracks as you scanned the room. There were three men, one you knew all too well.

“ this is Austin, Deion , and Drew.” Jonas spoke.

You didn’t hear much of what else Jonas was saying as you and Drew made eye contact, him seeming just as surprised as you. The tension between the two of you could be cut with a knife it was so thick, considering the last time you ever spoke to him ended horribly .

~~~

“ Drew” you said walking out from his bedroom at his moms house .

“ yeah princess “ he replied walking out of his mother’s kitchen towards you.

“ what’s this about Atlanta?” You asked holding up his laptop with a search history for apartments in Atlanta Georgia. He sighed nervously running his hands through his hair.

“ princess I was going to tell you” he replied stepping forward. You quickly stepped back scoffing while shaking your head .

“ tell me what drew?” It was pretty obvious what the answer was but you were angry and wanted to hear it from his own mouth. Drew sat for a second, knowing everything was about to fall apart once he told you his plans.

“ I’m moving to Atlanta “ he responded finally, his eyes lowering to to the ground. Even though you subconsciously knew what he was going to say, once he finally did it really hit you hard.

“ drew” you responded in disappointment. “ you know I have one year left in school I can’t move to Atlanta “ you replied. It was true , Drew was a year older than you . You had gotten together your sophomore year in high school while he was a junior and been together ever since. You even went to the same college as him so you guys would be together . You both were passionate on the same career which made it easier, but the fact that when it was his turn to wait on you he wouldn’t.

“ princess I know , I figured we can do a long distance thing” your eyes widened in shock.

“ Drew you’re going to be a whole state away are you serious?!”you replied, your hands thrown in the air .

“Y/n there’s no opportunities for me here , you know I’ve always wanted to go to the big cities to pursue in acting .” He replied his voice now rising as well.

“ yeah but” you responded, your voice lowering as tears began to form in your eyes. “ you’re leaving me behind” . It hurt so bad that Drew was leaving. Of course you wanted him to prosper in life but you had been doing everything and even putting some job opportunities on hold so you wouldn’t be away from him, but the one time it was his turn, you weren’t his choice .

“ y/n-“

“ no just forget it Drew. Enjoy Atlanta” you responded before leaving towards his room to pack your stuff, soon leaving Drew’s home, never speaking to him again.

~~~

“ Rafe and Callie- go ahead with your scene” Jonas asked as he pointed down to the sheet of paper going over a short scene between the two of your characters .

“ listen Callie you and your dirty pogues need to stay off of figure 8 ok” Drew spoke with hatred, looking up at you waiting for your response .

“ you know what” you replied sitting up in your seat. “ you kooks are all the same . “ you spat out . You could feel anger building among yourself , not because of getting into character, but more because of your true anger towards Drew was beginning to flow out.

“ is that so?” He relied.

“ YES Rafe!” You interrupted. “ you only care about yourself. You’re all selfish and self centered. You always get what you want no matter who gets hurt in the way” Drew sat for a second. He could tell from the look on your face that even though those words were written for Rafe, he knew you meant it directly towards him.

“ the only dirty one here is you Rafe “ you spat out, scolding him from a cross the table . You quickly were snapped out of your trance when you heard clapping from the side of you, Jonas laughing with excitement.

“ man that’s exactly what I’m talking about sweet heart!” He said pointing at you. You chuckled before glancing at Drew , seeing him almost look, upset?

—

It didn’t take you long to find your way to your trailer . All of your excitement about the new gig had gone flying out the window the moment you realized one of the cast members was the same person who shattered your heart years ago.

If we’re being honest , Drew was the reason you had made it to where you were now . Not to give him full credit , but after he chose to pursue in his career and not you, you had decided for yourself you would do nothing but make it to the top and make sure that you never chose anyone over yourself again and was all you had been doing at this point.

You sat staring at yourself in your mirror before you heard a gentle knock against your trailer.

Your stomach did somersaults as you knew exactly who it was. You hesitated for a second before you finally got up from your chair, making your way to the door. 

You rolled your eyes as you saw the tall brunette standing behind the door of your trailer . You turned away, letting him in as you went to your couch.

“ Well uhm” he spoke nervously , running his hands through his hair. You looked up at him in anger as you waited for him to respond.

“ I wanted to see you.” He responded making his way over to you. “ it’s been a while” he finished now standing directly above you. You scoffed crossing your arms .

“ you can say that” you mumbled.

“ look I know we left on bad terms-“

“ no Drew you left on bad terms. Let’s clear that up “ you interrupted standing up. Drew took a step back giving you space before nodding, looking down.

“ I understand why you’re upset . But I want you to know I wasn’t leaving you. I was just leaving North Carolina. There were bigger opportunities out there for me and I was going to get them started staying back at home. I just-“ you put your hand in the space between you and him.

“ Drew you left me “ you responded, your voice s bit softer than it was. “ I went to the same school as you so we could be together. I turned down so many opportunities for us. I put my life on hold-“

“ I never asked you to!” Drew responded finally snapping. You sat for a second, shocked at his words . “ and if we’re being honest I would’ve never ask you to” you shook your head in disbelief . Your anger was causing you to be blind to the truth Drew was saying. He was absolutely right but you had never sat back and thought about it.

“ you know what Drew” you spat out, tears beginning to form once again. “ it’s a good thing you’re playing the kook king- yanno since he’s so damn selfish”.

Drew was taken back from your words. You didn’t mean it at all but you were so built up with anger from why a happened years ago that the words just slipped out. Drew nodded his head slowly before making his way out of your trailer without another word said .

You gasped, realizing how harsh you were to him. your hand flew to your mouth as you let out sobs thinking about the words you had just said

You sat silently in your trailer as you thought about the conversation you had just had . You knew Drew was right. He never actually told you to do any of the things you had done, you had just done them because you believed the relationship was more important than your goals in life. And now you realize it was really you who had left Drew. You could’ve worked through long distance, and followed him to Atlanta later but instead you left your selfishness and anger get the best of you.

You realized it was really you who needed to apologize so you quickly gathered your composer before making your way outside, searching for Drew’s trailer. Once you had found it you began frantically knocking , only for no one to answer.

“ y/n?” You heard from behind you. You turned around for it to be Drew. You wanted to do nothing but run and wrap your arms around him but instead you stood still, looking at him with puffy eyes.

“I-I’m sorry “ you blurted out. Drew’s eyes widened before he grabbed your arm .

“C’mon let’s take this somewhere more private” he spoke , guiding you into his trailer before shutting g the door behind you.

“ Drew you were right . I was just so mad I couldn’t even see that it was really me being selfish. And for that I am so sorry. “ Drew sat quietly , listening to go on and on about how sorry you were even though he had forgave you before he had even dry your own trailer.

“ y/n” he responded interrupting you during your rant . “ y/n just hush for a second” he responded with a slight chuckle . You nodded, wiping your face.

“ y/n I was wrong for not communicating with you. I should’ve chased you and brought you with, and if long distance wouldn’t have worked - I should’ve stayed behind and waited until you finished school” he responded grabbing a hold of your hand. You should your head in disagreement.

“ no, because you wouldn’t be here” you responded .

“ well regardless- I have missed you so damn much” he relied before pulling you towards him, placing his lips against yours. It was weird but such a familiar feeling that you hadn’t even realized how much you had missed it as well.

After both pulled away from the kiss, Drew looked down at you, grinning.

“ what “ you scoffed with a smirk following .

“ I can’t believe we’re about to play enemies on this show “ he spoke out causing you both to laugh loudly.

*****

It had been over a month since you and Drew reconnected. Things had definitely began to look up for the both of you. You had made many friends amongst the cast and even though you and Drew weren’t dating, feelings were definitely sparking between the two.

“ what are you up to tonight?” Drew asked as you both sat in the field , watching the cast film a scene.

“ I was honestly going to just stay in my apartment and watch tv tonight. You?” You responded, leaned back against the grass propped up on your hands.

“ oh” he replied, looking back out into the field.

“ I am making mom‘s chicken casserole so I was going to see if maybe they wanted to come over and have some?” He asked. You grinned. His mother’s chicken casserole was one of your favorite dinners she had ever made and Drew knew that. You nodded with a grin plastered across your face causing Drew too smile as well. You could almost say his cheeks were turning red. 

***

You sighed heavily as you looked over your outfit in your mirror in your bathroom. You wanted to look cute, but casual so you dressed in jeans and a loose pink tank, a few pieces of jewelry and tennis shoes.

It was obvious that you were beyond nervous to see him because despite being around Drew, this was the first time you both were going to spend one on one quality time together without somebody else including themselves in. just being able to be around him though and spending time with him even if it included others, you had regrown the feelings you once had for Drew over time, but you weren’t sure at this point if the feelings were mutual. Drew had changed and matured so much over the few years you had been away , and of course you had too so things were the same , but very different.

“ hey” Drew said with a smile as he opened the door, seeing you stand on the other side.

“ hey” you grinned slyly before walking in.

“ mmmm” you moaned out, smelling the food in the oven. “ boy does that bring back memories .” Drew chuckled before scratching the back of his head nervously .

“ yeah I was thinking the same” he replied before making his way into the kitchen, opening the oven to check on it.

You looked around his apartment. It was crazy to see that his style in furniture and agriculture was still the same as it was when he was younger.

It almost made you sad that you had missed out on Drew’s growth since college. You quickly shook the sadness feeling away before making your way next to him , watching contently as he took the pan out of the oven.

“ oooohh yum” you beamed excitedly placing your hands together in front of you.

“ want to grab the plates?” He asked as he grabbed a spatula to help break the chicken up. You nodded before making your way to his cabinet, grabbing two plates out. It was quiet as you both fixed your plates, making your way to his couch. Since the producers only provided studio sized apartments for the time you were there , there wasn’t much space for tables so it was either the couch or standing.

“ Drew, I know I haven’t said this yet, but I am so proud of you” you finally spoke, breaking the silence. He looked over at you , a grin forming against his face as he chewed through his bite.

“ I’m serious “ you responded , not taking your eyes off of Drew. “ imagine if I really held you back like I tried . You wouldn’t be where you’re at now.“ you said. It was almost like you were saying it to yourself . You were finally realizing that it was you in the wrong in the long run. To even ask Drew to stay behind and not follow his dreams was just selfish .

“Y/n stop beating yourself over this okay? We’ve both made decisions in the past that we regret but look at us now” he responded. He didn’t need to go into detail but he was right . It became silent once again, just the sound of his tv going in the background ( that neither of you were actually paying attention to) .

“ this honestly tastes just like your moms” you laughed out in shock.

“ yanno why do you sound so surprised?” He jokingly argued, his head cocked towards you.

“ because Drew” you laughed out thinking of the memory you were about to speak of. “ you couldn’t even cook your hot pocket in the microwave without burning it” you both laughed as you thought about Drew’s multiple attempts to cooking that never worked out. When the laughing between you two died down, Drew stared intently into your eyes before he leaned in, placing his lips against yours. Your body immediately pushed forward towards his, pressing into the kiss.

Your eyes widened once you realized what was happening before pulling away, placing your hands over your mouth.

“ Drew” you spoke out softly. You were so unsure on whether this was really what he wanted that you didn’t want him to do something he’d regret.

“ y/n it’s okay” he reassured gently, before placing his hands against the side of your face, placing his lips against yours once again. This time you caved in, your hands finding their way to the back of his head, your fingers intwining through his hair.

You moaned slightly as his hands pressed firmly against your hips, pulling you up onto his lap. You began moving your hips against his, pressing your crotch against his for friction. Drew’s long fingers pressed against your bottom as he pushed you forward against him, deep throaty groans following behind.

“ lay down on the couch “ he demanded , his voice low and deep. You and Drew had slept together of course when you were younger , but something seemed different this time, more dominant was more like it. You bit your bottom lips as you removed yourself from Drew, quickly pushing your jeans down and off of you before laying down across the couch as Drew had instructed, your head landed on the arm rest.

Drew hovered over you, placing sloppy kisses down your neck, trailing down to your breast. You watched intensely as he pulled your breast out from above your shirt , groping them in his large hands. You hissed slightly as he pinched around your exposed nipple before placing your right nipple in his mouth.

You closed your eyes in pure bliss, your bottom lip pressed in between your teeth.

Your eyes reopened when you felt his fingers tuck under your underwear, before tugging them down , tossing them next to where your pants laid. Your eyes furrowed together . In all the years you had been together, Drew had never given you head . He was just too insecure that he wouldn’t do it good so seeing him down there , his lips trailing up your thigh to your heated core was beyond shocking.

You gasped loudly as he finally placed his mouth where you wanted him, his tongue doing one long stroke against your slit before lightly sucking on your clit.

“ Drew” you moaned out . You were tempted to ask where he learned this from but you knew that wouldn’t be an appropriate question nor would you really want to hear the answer.

At this point Drew was doing wonders on your heated area, so much that you couldn’t even hold the moans in. The way his tongue and finger both simultaneously worked against you had you coming to your orgasm quicker than anything.

“ fuck Drew!” you moaned out as you bucked your hips up against his face as you felt that familiar tingle feeling. Before you could even finish your climax, Drew’s lips clashed against yours, your own taste filling your mouth as his tongue fought for dominance over yours. Drew reached in between the two of you , , pulling his rock hard member out before before quickly sliding into your already soaking wet core.

Your arms looped under his as your hands landed on his back, your nails immediately began to dig as his hips moved at a fast pace against yours . Your body rocked against his couch as he pounded in you over and over, his member filling you more than you had ever remembered. He placed his lips against yours again as you let uncontrollable moans.

Drew placed one hand against the arm of the couch, his bicep flexing over your head as he continued to grind himself into you at continuous beat.

“ god I’m getting close” he groaned out , his words barely audible as he became out of breath from moving so fast .

You quickly wrapped your legs around him, causing him to go in even deeper than before . He threw his head back in pleasure , the veins in his neck popping out as his thrusts became sloppy. You pressed your lips deep against his as you felt yourself cum around him as well as his movements began to slow down, eventually becoming to a haunt.

Drew sat for a second, his forehead placed against yours as he caught his breath before he sat back up off of you, helping you sit up.

It was quiet as you both cleaned yourself before you sat back down on the couch next to him, still slightly worn out.

“ damn Drew “ you laughed out, running your now tangled hair towards the back of your head . “ you fucked the shit out of me “ you stated, causing him to chuckle.

“ like I said , I really missed you over those years” he said with a cocky smirk following . You shook your head while grinning, turning your eyes away from him.

“ do you maybe want to stay the night?” He asked , this time with seriousness. You looked over at him, a smile present on your face .

“ yeah I’d like that” you responded.

Maybe what they say is true.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll find its way back. ❤️

*****

I almost deleted this whole thing because Idk just didn’t really like it but I know I’ve been incognito for almost a week so I figured I’d post it anyways. Another fic called ‘Keep your hands to yourself ‘will be posted tonight though so anyone want to be tagged let me know ❤️

@maybanks-smile @tremendousalpacawitch @multifanofkpopgroups @lilyrosemelodydeppp

@Littlementalpolariods

@mrs-cameron

@bigdrewenergy @imjustanothernerd

[devildom-drabbles]

Short Story - The Purr-fect Study Buddy

Characters/Ship: Lucifer x MC Word Count: 578 Warnings: None, just a silly short story =)

MC poked their head into the open doorway leading into Lucifer’s study, their arms full of the items they gathered for today’s study session.  They had been struggling with a subject at RAD recently, so Lucifer had agreed to help them with learning the material and bringing their grade up.  However, he was a strict teacher, which made these remedial lessons not as enjoyable as they had hoped.  So, when an unexpected guest was waiting at the front gate of the House of Lamentation on their way home from school, they came up with an idea on how they might make that day’s study session less grueling.

Lucifer spared MC a short glance at their face when they greeted him at the doorway before refocusing on the paperwork in front of him at his desk.  He had just finished a form when they placed their belongings on an open space across from him.  Now prepared to give them his undivided attention for the next few hours, he finally looked up at them properly and began, “You’re early today.  Were you feeling anxious to see me--”

His oncoming smug remark was squashed at the sight of a cat stretching lazily on top of MC’s textbooks.  “What is that?” he deadpanned, his scowl fixated on the fluffy creature who was unperturbed by his expression.

“My study buddy, Lady Whiskers,” MC replied nonchalantly.

“And why have you brought this animal here?”

“You dare call Lady Whiskers an animal?” they questioned him, feigning offense.  “Would an animal be as elegant and dainty as she?”

Lucifer watched the cat yawn, baring her sharp teeth before proceeding to clean herself.  “In any case,” he continued, “it needs to go.”

“It?”

MC could’ve sworn another crease had formed on Lucifer’s forehead as he sighed.  “Lady Whiskers needs to leave so we can get to work.”

“But look how invested she is in our studies,” they argued, gesturing to the disinterested cat.  “She came all the way from who-knows-where to learn from you.  You’re really going to kick her out?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, come on, you can’t be that cold-hearted.  I heard you like cats.”

“Who told you that?”

“My heart.”

Lucifer pinched the bridge of his nose, already growing exhausted with MC’s antics yet never losing his temper.  “Well, your heart must’ve been hearing Satan, not me.  Now, either you take the cat out, or I will.”

“Lady Whiskers will be good, I promise,” MC begged him.

“It’s not the cat I’m worried about.”

“Tell you what:  One bad thing, and I’ll put her back outside.  What do you say?  Can she stay with us?  Please?”  MC clasped their hands together while staring into his eyes pleadingly.

Another sigh pressed its way through Lucifer’s lips, yet this one almost inaudible over the cat’s meow.  “You’ve got one chance, understood?”

“OK!” they agreed excitedly.  “Thank you, Professor Lucifer!”

The demon raked a hand through his hair as set aside his paperwork and carefully removed one of the books from under the sleepy animal’s front paws.  “Just don’t get upset if Lady Whiskers does better than you during today’s lesson.”

“What?!”

The teasing smirk easily returned to Lucifer’s features as he listened to MC’s protest at his comment while opening the textbook to where they had left off from last time.  Although he could’ve done without the cat being there, he was looking forward to another study session with the human he couldn’t help but be fond of.

[mcufox123]

Poofed

WandaxFemReader

Summary: Wanda copes with a life that may not have you in it.

Warnings: Devestation

A/N: This story literally is heartbreaking but in a good way I think. Let me know what you guys think!

****************************************************************************************************

You wake up suddenly to your hand being kicked. It was wrapped around your wife’s very pregnant belly as you both tried to sleep through the night. You smiled dreamily in your sleepy state as you were reminded of the twins who would be born any day now.

You and your wife were a part of the famous superhero group who saved the world numerous times. Shortly after she joined and got acclimated with the team the two of you started dating. It has now been 7 years of being together, 3 of them being married. You had moved out of the compound and were now living in your dream house in the countryside, the perfect place for your growing family.

While Wanda was able to take leave months ago as none of the team wanted your children hurt, you still went to work every day. The team promised that once they were born you would be given 3 months to spend with your family but until then “there were still bad guys out there” in Tony's words of course.

You checked the time to see you still had a half an hour to spare before you had to be at the compound. You made Wanda breakfast and set it up next to her then you got ready for your day. You showered, got changed and before you left you wrote two sticky notes to leave on your wife’s mirror. One saying, “I love you more than chocolate chip cookies.” The second said, “You are looking like such a hot mama today.” You left a kiss on Wanda’s forehead and whispered an ‘I love you’ then you went to work.

Wanda woke later that morning with a smile on her face. She saw the breakfast you set up and immediately started eating because she was starving. After her breakfast in bed, she showered before seeing the notes you left. She actually laughed out loud. Even when you weren’t home you always made her day. She sent you a quick text.

Hi my love! Thank you so much for breakfast! I love you more than tv shows!

After that Wanda went about her day normally before she got bored and decided to go to the compound. When she arrived she saw Bucky and Sam watching tv.

“Hey boys,” Wanda said as she set her bag on the counter before walking over and sitting in between the two.

“Hey Wand, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?” Bucky suddenly jumped into protective older brother mode.

“Sit.” Wanda ordered him, glaring at him. She appreciated the gesture, but she was pregnant and not handicapped.

“Yes Ma’am.” Bucky sat not wanting to make Wanda upset.

“Damn man, if she needs something she’ll tell us right?” Sam asked, turning to Wanda.

“Exactly thank you Sam.” They continued watching TV comfortably every once in a while bantering about something.

“Hey guys, where was y/n’s mission today? I usually hear from her by now if she’s going to be later than 6.” Wanda said realizing the time was now past 6 and she still hasn’t heard anything.

“I think they were in Florida today,” Bucky said, scratching his head trying to remember what Steve told them this morning. “Some mission with aliens that Carol warned them about. They’ll be fine. You’re welcome to stay here in your old room though.” He finished. Wanda thanked him before getting up to move to the kitchen, both men hot on her tail.

“Who is hungry?” Wanda asked as she started to get ingredients out for a caprese chicken dish and some pasta.

“Me, for sure. I missed your cooking so much Wanda.” Sam said, taking a seat at the counter pulling out his phone to que up some songs to listen to while you cooked. Dinner was good and shortly after Wanda went to bed in the now foreign space and begged for sleep to consume her. It was hard because she grew used to your arms wrapped around her with your face pressed into her hair. That night she didn’t get much sleep. She sent you a text letting you know she was sleeping at the compound before she rolled over and tried to shut her eyes.

The following morning Wanda woke up to a still empty bed. Now she started getting nervous, she searched for her phone to see no new messages. She took her time getting out of bed but quickly threw on the clothes she was wearing yesterday before heading to the kitchen.

As she was almost there she could hear Steve talking.

“So Wanda’s here?” Steve asked the person he was talking to.

“Yeah she came yesterday and we just told her to stay. So wait, you're telling me that these things just hit a button then poofed with Tony and y/n? Are they alive?” Wanda could now tell the other person was Bucky. She felt like she couldn’t breath, feeling the wind knocked out of her at the words she just heard. She couldn’t hide any longer and barged into the kitchen.

Her hands instantly went into a fighting position holding Steve in a tight grasp so he couldn’t escape.

“Where is she Steve? What happened? You promised me no life or death missions. You promised me she would always come back to me. She said she would never go away.” Wanda said while breaking towards the end and crumpling to the ground. Bucky went over and wrapped her in a hug.

After a few minutes Bucky put Wanda on the couch as now the rest of the team came in and Pepper with her two small children. Steve went over what happened on the mission and how they have no trace of either of their teammates. He made everyone aware that Thor, Carol, and the Guardians of the Galaxy were all in search of their friends.

Wanda felt so lost. Your twins were expected any day and you were gone. How was she going to do it if you weren’t back? How was she going to be strong for your two little ones if you weren’t there? The questions swarmed her head as she tuned out the rest of the team. After hours of talking the team now turned to their tuned out friend to offer some support.

“When was the last time you ate?” Clint asked Wanda, putting his hand on her shoulder to ground her.

“I don't know.” Wanda shook her head still thinking a million miles a minute not making eye contact with anyone.

“Wanda you need to eat. You have two other people to worry about. Y/N will be ok, she will come back.” Steve said, sitting next to her. She collapsed in tears and that was how the rest of the night went, crying and the team forcing Wanda to eat.

The following days Wanda barely left the bed. On the 4th day of you being missing Wanda felt a sharp pain in her stomach. Her eyes started to tear up from both pain and the realization of what was happening. She was going into labor without you. She screamed out in pain and heartbreak.

Steve rushed into the room as soon as he heard Wanda scream, “It’s ok Wanda we’re here, let's get you to the infirmary.” he held Wanda’s hand all the way down to the infirmary. Steve sent a text out to the rest of the team to let them know what was happening and soon familiar faces appeared in Wanda’s room.

They took shifts as they waited for the time to push. Natasha talked about the makeshift nursery they set up for Wanda, Bucky talked about how he got clothes for Wanda and the babies from Wanda’s home, Steve talked about schedules and shifts he made up to help Wanda, Sam bought stuffed animals, and Peter offered to take the babies to the playground. Wanda just sat and listened, grateful for her friends and the help they were giving her. All she could think about was how you should be there.

You should be freaking out everytime Wanda had a contraction, asking if she should get the doctor. She knew you would try to find her favorite shows on the TV and rub her back whispering soothing words. She needed that more than anything, she needed you. She needed you to be there for your twins first breath, for bringing them home, for the countless sleepless nights.

Soon the doctor entered the room, “Wanda it looks like you are ready to push,” nurses entered behind them with all of the equipment needed for the babies’ delivery. Wanda nodded trying to prepare herself for the experience that was moments away. “Would you like anyone in the room with you?” and Wanda did, she wanted you but you weren’t there. So she asked her best friend Nat to stay with her to which Nat agreed.

They got into position and Wanda endured the hardest fight of her life, childbirth. She could’ve sworn she broke Natasha’s hand from how hard she was squeezing. Soon a melodic sound broke through the pain as her first child was born. “It’s a boy!” she heard and she started to cry of joy. She had a son. The joy didn’t last as she felt another urge to push. “And we have another boy!”

Wanda was so relieved that both boys were here and healthy. You kept telling her that you could feel it was two boys, two football players, you would say. They brought the babies to wanda and laid them on her chest. Nat was quick to snap a quick photo before exiting the room to let the rest of the team know, giving Wanda a moment with her children.

Nat walked out of the room to see no one in the waiting room. She asked the nurse where everyone was who informed her that they were outside. She walked quickly outside hoping you were back. Instead she saw someone else. Tony on his hands and knees crying while the rest of the team was surrounding him.

“What? Where’s Y/N?” Bucky was the first to speak. Everyone was too scared to hear what happened, why Tony was back but not Y/n.

“I don’t know. One minute we were in a room being questioned the next thing I  know y/n lunged at the guy questioning us. She was fighting with him for the poof thing. Then after she successfully got it we realized only one of us could go back while the other had to hit the button. She didn’t even give me a second. And now, now here I am and she is there. Where’s Wanda I  have to tell her something?” Tony suddenly looked frantic.

“No, you’re going with Bruce to do everything you can to get Y/N back.” Clint said, poking Tony in the chest. “You are not doing anything else until she’s back. And you definitely are not seeing Wanda. That girl just had to give birth to twins without y/n, she’s destroyed.” Clint walked back into the infirmary while everyone was still in shock.

“I ‘m sorry. I ‘m going to bring her back.” Tony promised before walking towards the lab to get in contact with the people who were already searching for y/n.

Meanwhile Wanda was still in awe of the two boys in her arms, memorizing all of their features. She knew their names, you and her had picked out the names for all twin scenarios and for two boys it’d be Tommy and Billy. She started to hum a tune she remembered as a child. She started to get upset as she remembered the last time she hummed the song.

You had just walked in from a long day helping in the lab and training. You saw Wanda in the kitchen cooking dinner before turning to see you. She gave you the biggest smile as she came over to wrap her arms around you. Her pregnant stomach left some room between you two as she reached up to plant a kiss on your lips.

“How was your day my love?” she asked walking back to the stove to turn it off and putting the food on the table.

“I'm so tired. Tony was going on about this new feature he wants to make for the quinjet and then Nat beat my ass at training. I don't want to do anything.” Wanda sensing your mood guided you to the couch she sat then pulled you down so your head was on her lap. She played with your hair to calm you down.

“The babies were very active today kicking the heck out of me” she giggled to which you turned your face to her stomach. You placed your hands on her stomach.

“Hey you two, stop kicking mama. I  know you want to play football but you're gonna have to wait till you come out of there.”

“How do you know they’ll want to play football?” She questioned you.

“I  can just feel it in my bones.” You said as your eyes fluttered close. Dinner was long forgotten as Wanda continued to play with your hair humming the tune and you drifted off to sleep.

The following week after the twins’ birth was very hard for Wanda. She went through all the firsts by herself. Instead of going through the first night with you she went through it alone. Instead of bringing them home together with big smiles she took them to her room in the compound. Instead of introducing the twins to the team with you they were all by Wanda’s side before she could introduce them.

She spent the nights in bed. Someone on the team  was always sleeping on a cot to help her during the nights. It had been 11 days since you went missing and you had already missed the biggest week of your little family’s life.

On the 11th day Wanda left the sleeping twins with a sleeping Uncle Bucky and roamed around the compound seeing you everywhere she went. In the kitchen where you both cooked dinner for the team all the time. On the couch where you spent countless nights watching tv shows and movies. In the training room where you pinned Wanda more times then she likes to admit. Then she headed towards the lab.

She stood shocked.

Right in front of her was a man that betrayed her. A man that you had put your life in the hands of who disappointed you. She stormed at him in a fit of rage. “You son of a bitch! Where is she? What did you do to her? I'm going to kill you!” Wanda screamed at him while hitting his chest. Tony let her, knowing that this was what she needed. Wanda continued to curse him out before Tony finally grabbed her hands.

“Stop. I  get it. I'm the bad guy, and I deserve to be. I  messed up the biggest moment of both of your lives. You can keep hitting me, knock me out, whatever you have to do. There is something I have to show you first though.” Tony let go of Wanda’s hands before walking to the screen to pull up a video for Wanda.

When it came through it was you. You were sitting in a bare room and Tony was asleep on the floor behind you. Your hair was a mess and you looked exhausted.

“Friday is it recording? Yes? Ok here we go. If anyone is watching this I  probably did something stupid and I ‘m so sorry. If it’s Wanda hi babe. Man, I think it’s been 3 days and I miss you like crazy. I ‘m trying to figure out a way to get back to you and the babies I promise.” Wanda can feel the tears rolling down her face. “Well I think I have a plan. You aren’t going to like it but I promise you that it will all work out and I will come back to you. Babe I  don't have much time they are coming back. I  love you and our twins so much. I  am going to do everything to come back to you.” Then the screen went black.

“Play it again, Tony.” Wanda asked Tony and he did. She watched it about 10 more times. Just hearing your voice made Wanda feel better.

“Thank you for showing me that. Can you send it to me?” Wanda asked, keeping her eyes locked on yours on the screen. Tony nodded and Wanda walked out of the room back to the twins.

After that day Wanda had hope. She knew you would come back to her. She watched that video every night on repeat to fall asleep too. She played it for the twins and other videos of you so they could hear your voice. The team noticed the change in Wanda as well. They were very skeptical but didn’t question her mood change.

After a month of you being missing Wanda had almost given up hope. Tommy was fussy and Billy had an explosion in his diaper and it was the first time the team had all gone on a mission so no one was with her. She was crying while changing Billy’s diaper while using her powers to rock Tommy’s baby seat.

“Ah boys, it’s ok mamas here. We’ll be ok sh sh sh.” She was so frustrated she couldn’t even get the diaper on Billy. There were a few more minutes of Tommy crying and Billy and now Wanda before she heard Tommy stop. She didn’t even turn around; she figured he just fell asleep.

When she turned with Billy in her arms she was shocked to see the person standing in front of her. It was the love of her life with her son. A sight Wanda never thought she would see. You looked skinnier, tons of bruises and cuts littered your skin. Your clothes were tattered and your hair was a mess in your face. Wanda thought you still looked just as beautiful. She had Billy in her arms as she slowly walked towards you not believing her eyes. She reached up and touched your face to make sure you were there. And you were.

With Tommy in one hand you reached up with your other to place on top of Wanda’s. “Hey there stranger.” You said with a chuckle. She wrapped her arm around you and started sobbing. You put Tommy in the bassinet still holding onto Wanda then reached for Billy placing him next to his brother. Then you did the thing you had been wanting to do forever.

You held onto Wanda as she sobbed in your arms. You stroked her hair while whispering “I’m here,” over and over in her ear.

Your arms were around Wanda but your eyes were on your twins. You soon began to cry, realizing how much time you missed. Wanda pulled away when she felt something drip on her shoulder.

“It’s ok my love you’re here now. You won’t miss anything else. You’re here.” Wanda promised with her hands on either side of your face to make you look at her. You leaned down and gave your love a long awaited kiss. Both of you being grateful to have the other there to comfort each other.

You soon pulled away from Wanda to look at your twins.

“I told you two football players.” You chuckled as you picked up the other baby who you have not held yet. “Who is who?”

“That’s Billy and this is Tommy.” She said while picking up the other baby. You both made your way to the bed with the twins and got comfortable next to each other. You stared at them trying to take in the two people who were now your own.

“I’m so sorry I  missed all of it. I  tried to get back as fast as I  could. I  really did. I  thought when I sent Tony back it was going to be hours and I would be back. But I see metal man's mind isn’t what it used to be.” You rambled on. You wanted Wanda to know just how sorry you were.

“It’s ok. You’re here now and I’m not letting them take you anywhere. You’re staying with us for as long as I want.” Wanda assured you. You sat with your family for hours just basking in their presence and soaking it all in. You changed every diaper and did anything Wanda needed until she ordered you to go shower. While watching your 7th episode of grey's anatomy you dozed off with the babies between you and Wanda.

You only woke when you heard the rest of your rag tag group of friends enter the compound from their latest mission not even trying to be quiet. You turned to see Wanda still awake nursing Billy.

“Should we scare them?” You asked Wanda with a grin on your face. “You can if you want.” She didn’t feel one way or the other. Knowing how much the team helped her while you were missing.

You stood up and hid behind the closed door. It opened halfway.

“Hey Wanda how’d everything go?” Steve asked, you could feel multiple people enter the room however.

“Boo!” you jumped out to scare the team. Bucky not knowing it was you punched you in the stomach.

“Ah shit sorry y/n.” he said before recognition came to his eyes and the others. “Wait y/n?” he stared in disbelief. Nat was the first to tackle you in a hug before the others were soon to follow.

“How, how, how did you get back?” Tony asked with tears in his eyes.

“Well I  thought you would figure it out quickly once I  sent you back but that didn’t happen. I  kept waiting and finally decided to just do it myself. I  befriended another prisoner who promised to poof me back. And then when they did I  was in the training room. I  got Wanda’s text and just assumed she was still here and made my way up to her room.” They all said how happy they were that you were back. You ate dinner as a family and spent the night in your room with your beautiful wife and boys.

“Let’s go home tomorrow.” you suggested to your half asleep wife in your arms.

“You are my home.” she said and you felt warmth well up in your chest.

“I  love you so much darling.” you nuzzled closer to her.

“I  love you more.” and you both fell into a deep sleep which neither of you had had for a long time.

[darkenedreaper]

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Reader, Avengers x Reader

Featuring: GoTG, Peggy Carter

Warnings: Angst, sad I suppose

Summary: 2 years after her death, your struggling even more. And it’s killing the team to keep their secret. (I changed Endgame because I can. Come at me. I might make it into chapters.)

Masterlist

‘It can’t be undone’ she said

*2 years ago*

You had gone through years with her. Years with the Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy. You had gone through love with her. You had gone through the 5 years with her. You had gone to Vormir with her. Yet you had won the final fight without her.

When you all came back from the time travel success you had to try and keep yourself from collapsing. You saw the others standing with smiles on their faces but all you saw was her. Her lips and eyes pleading you to let her go. Her body descending forever. And her sprawled out onto the floor, a pool of blood surrounding her head confirming Natasha Romanoff no longer wondered the earth.

“Are you telling me this actually worked?” Rhodey questioned, followed by Thor’s wheezy laugh. Their faces became confused when they heard a long bang. You have dropped down onto your knees, stone in hand and body wet from wherever you had been teleported to after she had sacrificed herself.

“Y/n where’s Nat?” The big green guy said. Your eyes were stuck in front of you. A sorrowful look on your face. You couldn’t even move. You couldn’t speak. You could’ve all been there for hours or seconds. But Steve lifted you up by your arms and tried to read your expression. With the help of Nebula you were taken to your bedroom you shared with Natasha. The both of them tried to gently take you to the bed but instead you walked shakily to the bathroom and shut the door. Of course Steve was upset. He had a lost a part of his family. He had shed tears while he walked with you. He could only imagine what the scene must’ve been for yourself. The unspoken news of his friends death was indescribable, but having to be there in an unimaginable situation would’ve been even harder. And he understood that. Nebula grieved, she barely knew the woman. But she grieved. She saw the distraught and pain on your face and in your eyes. She placed her hand on Steve’s shoulder and took him out of your room.

In the bathroom you had caged yourself into. You had your hand gripped to the sink. Your eyes trained to the sink bowl. Your eyes drifted to the left for you where her makeup and hairbrush had been layed out this morning. You took a step back, nervously clasping your hands together. You tried to calm down before someone got hurt. You looked down at your hands and you were maintaining some level of sanity before you remembered that your hand had let her go. If anyone would walk past your bedroom door, they were bound to hear glass smashing and screams and words of anguish.

You didn’t speak to anyone. You completely shut yourself down. The only reason you spoke to someone was to communicate over the earpiece when you were fighting. There was a short debate over the coms as to who was going to steal the stones from Thanos. You nearly went into a fit of rage and upset before Carol ordered you to look into her eyes. Your excuse to use the stones was so you could be with her again. When Tony clicked his fingers the enemy became dust, and the world became a little more louder and a bit more lighter. The battlefield was filled with new and old faces. Tony’s snap had been so powerful he was able to bring back the people that mattered the most to those around him. Steve had Peggy in his tired arms. Clint had Laura and his children. Wanda had Vision. Quill had Gamora. Thor had his mother and brother back. Tony had Pepper. He was unharmed and Bruce’s arm had healed. Everyone had someone. You had someone. You had your whole family. But your special someone was Natasha. You had never felt so lost. Natasha would be holding you, you holding her. She would tuck your head into her shoulder while letting your arms envelope around her. But all you got were sad looks.

Some of the ‘newbies’ had questioned their closest. After a lot of loud whispering, there was silence. The battlefield was silent in memory of Natasha. The only noises were the hundreds of sniffles and sobs of those who had the news broken to them. The dying fires crackling. The next minute footsteps were approaching you. You had internally begged for it to be Natasha. But you looked up to see a short boy. His suit red and blue with a spider on it. His brown curly hair was tinted with grey. His teary eyes gave you the saddest smile before and steadily put his arms around your shoulders. You accepted the young boys embrace. You were thankful for it.

The news were around the place as quick as they could’ve been. Pictures were taken. Statements were took. The public had tried to surround the heroes but were pushed away by the helping police. It has been released to the enormous crowd that one of the most heroic heroes had died. The crowds became distraught. They sounded like how you felt inside. They tried to surround you and shout out their condolences but you kept walking. Where to? Who knows.

*2 years later/present time*

You spoke to no one. You spoke out in bursts of anger. Anger if someone tried to tell you to come away from your desk and to stop working and trying to find a way. Peggy, Steve’s wife, had became close to you. She understood how it felt to lose a loved one. She understood she wasn’t Natasha. She understood why you were working yourself so hard. She would never judge you, if you looked all disheveled or smelt from not taking a shower. She encouraged you to do your best, but she never pushed you. 2 years ago, you found a solution to stop Thanos. 2 years ago you lost her. 2 years ago Steve returned the stones. You haven’t been able to go through any videos or voice messages of her. Just a photo that you have framed. There were and still are memorials for her, but you would never attend any.

You had only cried to yourself. But right now you were on the edge of having a definite breakdown. Tony and the whole team of Avengers, Wakanda, GotG and Carol had wanted to check in as you had been back to Vormir. Which you greatly regret. Scott had made an extra time travel refill for you. All you were told by red skull was a ‘soul for a soul’. You argued with a ghost. You lashed out a ghost. You didn’t dare look to the edge. Knowing you would either throw yourself of or cry so much you wouldn’t be able to move.

They all met you at the Compound. At the platform that sat on top on the lake.

Steve and Peggy. Tony and Pepper. Rhodes. Bucky and Sam. Clint and Laura. Thor and Loki. Bruce. The Guardians were there. Rocket was by your side. Peter was there with Happy. Carol was at the edge of the platform. Wanda and Vision. And the rest were all there. You had your back turned to them. You were silent trying to understand why they all had such guilty faces, except Thor. They all had a secret. One they had agreed to not tell you, for fear it may completely break you. But they decided enough was enough. They had to tell you.

“Look we need to get her back to stop this shit with the Avengers get it together.” Thor spat at Steve, as he still saw him as the Captain.

“Can’t get her back.” You spoke up, causing everyone’s attention on the two of you.

“Wh..wha..what are you..?” Thor mumbled out.

“It can’t be undone. It can’t.” You said quietly looking at him from over your shoulder.

He laughed at your words before saying, “Look.. I, I’m sorry but your a very earthly being okay, we’re talking about space magic and can’t seems very definitive. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah look I know that I’m way outside my.. my paid rate here. But she still isn’t here is she?” You said. Tony took of his sunglasses, getting upset.

“Yeah well that’s my point.” Thor said in a hushed manner.

“It can’t.. be undone.” Your voice cracking, your tears had crawled their way down your face now. “Or that’s at least what the red floating guy had to say. Maybe you wanna go talk to him. Ok, go grab your hammer and you go find him you talk to him!” You yelled at him. He looked down to the floor. You shouldn’t be angry with him. He missed Natasha. But you couldn’t help it.

“It was supposed to be me.” You admitted with a breaking voice. Bucky let a tear fall freely from his eye. “She sacrificed her life for that goddamn stone, she bet her life on it.” You started to breakdown in the middle of everyone. Angry at how she could’ve died for nothing. How it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Even Wanda began to breakdown. She felt your pain from far away. Your longing. And your grieving. Rockets fur was wet as he was upset just like everyone else.

He couldn’t take it anymore. The lies. Not the acting. But the lies. Clint stood up and said, “Y/n we’ve been lying to you. Natasha is here. She’s perfectly fine. She’s alive. You just can’t see her.” No one else bothered to look up as he said what was needed to be said. You slowly turned around to him. “What?” Was all you could choke out. Steve stood up and walked towards you before keeping a distance. “When I returned the stone. He told me that we could all get her back, after all it was a soul for a soul. But the one who travelled there has been cursed. You can’t see or hear her and I don’t know if you ever will. But she’s alive.”

You took time to observe his words.

She was standing in front of you. Her arms crossed but her eyes were stuck on your face that was wet from the tears you had cried. Your eyes brows moving in a sorrowful way. She wasn’t crying for herself no. She cried for you. For your pain. She had never seen you so upset. And because she had been with you ever since she got back, she’s had to watch you cry almost every day.

Natasha wishes you could see her. She has been next to you this whole time. She was gone a few hours and then she was back. She couldn’t find you and instead ran into Sam who held her tightly. Instead she sped off to Tony’s cabin where she found Bucky and Steve, who explained everything.

She wishes you could hear how proud she is of you. She wishes you didn’t have to see you break yourself and live in your mental anguish. It hurt her. Every night you fell asleep at your desk, she would drape a blanket over you, and almost cry at your confused state in the morning of who had been to your office and covered you.

She wishes you hadn’t been traumatised by her silly yet heroic actions. She wishes she could tell you how much she loves you and how she wants to be held by you and she wants you to be able to hear her words, “I love you.” The others heard it. But they didn’t dare tell you.

She was determined to get her words to you. If not by speaking to you then by page. Determined to prove that she was with you all of this time. She wants to tell you how much she loves you.

She wishes there was a way.

If you would like a part 2, let me know.