#which is lying unfinished for the third year now lol

[quuuueto]

"A GIFT"

I hope you enjoy it!

Bellow I'll share my work process!

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Without text:

Initially, it was a 5 page comic but when I finished first 4 the last one seemed unnecessary

Even though I was pretty busy yesterday I manage to finish the comic completely (from start to finish: sketching and planning on the pages themselves, lining and inking). The only things I didn't made in time were scanning (taking photos) and adding text which I did today.

Pencil sketches (last page):

Black pen lineart:

Thanks for your attention!

[ameliasbitvh]

i see red; d.m. (sequel to why?)

a/n: omg stop, i finally finished the sequel for you all but it's going to need a part 3. LOL and i've been inactive for almost a month oml, sorry about that! also i feel like this sucks ass, so dont come after me.

summary: reader plans revenge on draco with the one and only theodore nott after he cheated on her and got astoria pregnant and got with her.

wc: 4k

warning(s): language, pregnancy, smut, degrading, prasising, gas lighting, and mentions of a miscarriage!!

part 1

REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED!!

Did you really think, I'd just forgive and forget, no

After catching you with her, your blood should run cold, so cold

You, you two-timing, cheap lying wannabe

You're a fool, if you thought that I'd just let this go

You strode into the Manor of, the one and only Theodore Nott. Your body was wrapped in a black, tight suit, revealing every curve on your body. “Nott,” you smirked, holding your hand out to the wavy haired man.

“Y/l/n, what brings you here on this lovely afternoon?” he smirked back, taking your hand in his, enveloping it. Pulling your hand out, you confessed. “Well, a little birdy told me that you have unfinished business and by little birdy I mean me. You remember how you lost that bet to me in the sixth year? Now's the time to use that good ol’ dare.”

“Tell me what's in store, doll.” He smiled, up for whatever you had for him. And he knew it was gonna be good, you were sly as a fox.

“How would you like to help me?”

“Help you how?”

“Make Draco jealous.”

—

The day of your supposed marriage, utterly the worst day of your life. Embarrassing for Draco to cheat on you with Astoria Greengrass of all people. It was humiliating for him to sleep with her, because he lost a true gem. You.

You were beautiful, elegant and had grace. Everyone could see that. Rumors were flying around on how you were the one to cheat on him and he cheated on you back. Which, obviously isn't true, because you were a loyal woman.

You were stabbed in the back, and so would he be soon.

You loathed Draco Malfoy for what he had done to you. First off, he slept with her. Second got her pregnant and third of all, acted like he didn’t care. Oh please, he acts as if he didn’t give you a whole fucking speech so that you would stay with him.

He even tried to use metaphors, pathetic. Draco Malfoy, a pathetic little boy swimming in his own insecurities, but his ego’s so big that it keeps him afloat. You wish that he’d just drown in them instead, you hated his guts. You wish that his lungs would overflow with the cold water that soaked his body, and the last thing that you wanted him to think about was how bad he hurt you. That feeling of drowning: was all you felt. Either that was falling in love with him, or even when he broke your heart. He left you there to drown, fucking suffocate on your own tears that chocked you. That lump in your throat, you never wanted to feel it climb up again. You wanted to shove it down to the deepest parts on earth known to ma- no, you wanted to bury it where no one else could find it. Only you knew where those emotions had gone. You had a map leading you back to find it, but somehow it vanished into thin air. It turned into sand, flowing in the air. And you watched it drift farther and farther away from you. Having second thoughts, you tried to chase it but your legs couldn't keep up. They just couldn’t. They faltered, your knees crashed onto the soft sand where you buried every emotion away. Your emotions were hidden: blended in with the sand. You couldn't find it anywhere, all you had left was the demented passion in your heart: thirsting for revenge.

You needed a game plan and a damn good one.

That's when boy toy Theodore Knott strode in. Tall, handsome, beautiful hair and eyes. Everything a girl could dream for in a guy.

Theodore Knott and Draco Malfoy, best mates. But little did Draco know that Theo had thought of you so many times as he slept with other women, or even stroked his own fucking length. He shivered, imagining your pretty lips wrapped around his cock. When in reality a blonde woman he had met at a pub was sucking him off. She’d never be as good as you and he knew that. Even if he had never fucked you. He knew that you would be the best, because the way your hips swayed unintentionally when you walked told him everything he needed to know.

He yearned to feel your tight cunt embracing his cock. He wanted to see you writhe, fucking shake beneath him; it gave him a sense of power. A power he never had growing up, domination. The way he imagined pounding you into his mattress for so many damn years. He waited and waited for Draco to screw up your relationship, because there was no way that Draco Malfoy could keep a stable relationship without fumbling.

And the time had finally come.

He fumbled: completely losing balance, letting you slip from his hands, just to let another fall into them?

He had moved on so quickly, immediately got with Astoria.

What can I say? She was carrying his child, right? That was something you were specticle about, she had no baby bump? Yet again, it could be because she was small.

I see red, red, oh red

A gun to your head, head, to your head

Now all I see is red, red, red

The garden, beautiful. The contrast of the pink, blue, red, yellow and purple flowers all on a sunny day? It was lovely.

“Draco, dear.” Narcissa beckoned him over to her.

“Yes, mother?” he responded, walking to her.

“Y/n, how’s she been ever since-”

“I don't want to talk about her.” He snapped. His attitude grew cold, colder than before. He knew that he lost you that day, and he fucking regretted it. If he didnt think with his damn dick then you’d still be by his side. You no longer were there for him, he only had himself and he was miserable. Astoria was nothing like you. She wasn't kind to others, her smile didn't shine, her presence didn’t make him light up inside… she didn’t make him happy. But you did. You were always there for him. You were kind to others, even those who you didnt know, your smile shined brighter than the sun, your presence alone gave him butterflies- fucking explosions in his heart. Even now when he thinks of you his heart explodes. Just not in a good way.

“Why not? You do understand that you were the one to mess up your relationship with her? You both would’ve had beautiful children. But no. You didn’t think, Draco! You aren’t supposed to cheat on a woman you love. If you truly loved Y/n, you would've never done such things to her. Most of all, never gotten that Greengrass pregnant!” She finally let it all out, her voice shook with anger. She swiftly swept her skirt up in a quick motion standing up. She was begging that he’d fucking wake up and see the mistake he was making for staying with Astoria and not fighting for you back.

“Don’t you dare bring Astoria into this!” he barked, eyes deranged.

“You know what, don’t come to me when something goes wrong. I love you, my beautiful boy, but you should know better. Also,Y/n is coming to the masquerade ball.” She sighed, finally walking into the manor. Leaving Draco alone, surrounded by the chirping birds in the evening air. Their tune sank into his ear drums. He shook the noise of their song out, irritated. The sun beamed on him while he marched. But midway to his desired destination, it hit him. He would have to face you.

“Shit,”

—

You woke up, bare. An arm was wrapped around your waist, more specifically: Theo’s arm. “Good morning, love.” he grumbled, still sleepy from last night's events.

Let’s just say that you both have been practicing for your game plan.

And that practicing required naked bodies grinding against each other, dirty sheets, filthy words and demented moans.

“Good morning to you too, handsome.” you pecked his lips, getting out of the bed.

He peeled his eyes open to see your naked body in front of him. His green eyes darted to your legs trailing up to your pussy. His eyes soon were raw and lush, “Get back in here you little-”

“No,” a smirk pulled at your lips, challenging him and he took it to offense.

He followed after you left the bed, only to throw you over his shoulder and toss you into the comfort of the mattress. Laughter encircled the two of you, you had never felt this happy before. This was completely foreign to you, but that only made you want it more. You craved it, it was a hunger that needed to be fed over and over again. All to endure this blissful state, where there were no problems. Only you and Theo laying against each other, his head would rest in the crook of your neck. His skin would burn against yours. His light and your shadows contrasting each other. Even though you both were opposites, contradicting. You both had found the beauty in it all.

His lips connected with yours, and it was soft; comforting, almost.

But it grew fierce within time, teeth clashing against each other. Your hips bucked up underneath him, your clit grazed over his abs, whimpers fled from your lips. He grabbed your ass, rolling your hips against him. He only cared about your pleasure, what you wanted. Because you're all he wanted.

“You like that, pretty girl.”

A giggle erupted from you. with him around your guard seemed to slowly come down. You didn’t know what or who the source was pulling it down. But it- he was passionate about coming in.

“Theo we need to get ready, the ball is in a few hours.”

“But my balls-” he complained. you quickly cut him off, pushing his chest playfully.

“Oh, shut it.”

“Anything for you, ma’am.”

Did you really just say, she didn't mean anything, oh

I'll remember those words, when I come for your soul, your soul

Know that you, you dug your own grave, now lie in it

You're so cruel, but revenge is a dish best served cold

Your dress was absolutely beautiful. It was black, your shoulders were exposed, so were your breasts. It flowed, swimming around your ankles, black heels with red bottoms to top. and most important, red lipstick to top it off. Oh this will come into play.

Yeah you were a bitch, but an elegant bitch you were.You were here to play dirty, not get dirty.

You and Theo came separately to the ball, not wanting anyone to get suspicious of you two. You were met with the door to Malfoy Manor, just as you raised your hand to knock the door it miraculously opened itself.

“Y/n, I am so happy to see you!” Narcissa gasped seeing you.

That’s when you realized you forgot to put your mask on, quickly you brought it to your face.

“Hi, Cissy! How have you been?” you weren’t in the mood for small talk, but if you didn’t speak they would all know something was up. Or maybe they would have the decency to understand why you wouldn't want to talk to the mother of the man who cheated on you, got her pregnant and then left you. Whatever.

You spoke to her for awhile and finally made an excuse, “Excuse me but I have to go to loo,”

She nodded in response, you made your way through the crowd of dancing people and then you bumped into someone. A whiff of cigarettes and mint rushed to your senses, even with the masks on you knew exactly who it was. “Didn’t I tell you to stop smoking, before we got married- well were.” you queried, smiling at the last part.

And he knew that voice from anywhere, “I don’t care,”

“Aww, but you seemed to care when you gave me a whole damn speech about how you loved me inevitably, ‘I'm a fish out of water without you Y/n,’.” you mocked him, a small laugh escaping your lips.

“Bitch,” he scowled.

“What did you call me?” you challenged him to repeat himself.

“A bitch,”

“All these flavors and you choose to be salty?” you gave a sad sarcastic head shake.

How you loved using your wit to annoy him.

“Ladies and gentlemen please dance with your partner, If you do not have one dance with the person next to you.” The brunette woman announced. Oddly specific if you ask me.

Draco followed the speaking, grabbed your waist, and took one of your hands in his. You shivered, feeling his cool skin against yours again. Something in you ignited: an old flame. You immediately brushed it off, not giving it a second thought. Getting back with this blondie? You thought with a small sadistic laugh. Both of your feet swayed on the dance floor, your dress flowed from behind you like a waterfall, pooling down your legs.

“You look like a whore tonight, your tits are practically out.” he growled into your ear.

Your plan was going exactly as you needed it to.

“A whore? But I did it all for you, Draco? And you know me, sir. Only ever going to be a whore for you.” you purred, hands trailing his chest. You smirked at the fact that he wanted more than just words.

He was under your spell, you had full control over that poor naive man.

“Only for me? Good girl.”

He was so fucking dumb.

I see red, red, oh red

A gun to your head, head, to your head, oh

Executioner style, and there won't be no trial

Don't you know that you're better off dead

All I see is red, red, oh red

Now all I see is

“Meet me, in your room.” you declared, kissing from his neck to his white collared shirt. He didn’t notice, he just wanted to reminisce about the heat of your skin against his. But Astoria will lose her shit when she sees this.

Your red lipstick, stained on him.

He twirled you, dipping you down. You rose up, hair whipping up along with you. You realized all eyes were on the two of you, trying to manipulate an idea of which: why two exes who ended things horribly be dancing with each other? And mostly the fact that you kissed his neck?

A particular brunette caught your eye though, Theo.

Your eyes darted to him and you threw him a smirk over the blonde's shoulder. He brought his drink up and downed it, signaling that he knew what you were doing. The liquid burned his throat in the best way possible.

Even if he didn’t like it, he knew what he was going to get out of this little scheme.

His eyes followed where Draco’s hands were, right above your ass. His blood boiled, but he had to remember this was all a part of the plan, after this you'll be his.

Again, murmurs, whispers and rumors fill the room about the two of you. Exes, yet dancing with each other. Their eyes followed the movement of your bodies, scanning each step and swaying the both of you took. Their eyes were as sharp as an eagle eyeing their prey.

His hands found their way to the straps on your arms, pulling at them. He nipped his bottom lip.

“Nuh-uh, you got to wait, baby.” you said with a glint of mischief glimmering in your eyes, but not bright enough for him to notice that it was something that wasn't sensual.

Walking away from him, all eyes gravitated to you, even his. And all you did was look back at him, ignoring them all and threw a wink his way. He was entranced, lost in the delirium of his imagination: seeing you unravel as his cock twitched, breeding you full. So astray from reality that he didn’t even notice the hard building up in his pants.

This was going to be fun.

Racing to Theo, you whispered, “It’s time.”

Revenge is sweet, but not as sweet as Theo’s cock in your mouth.

—

Theo’s hands reached to his belt, taking it off, he tossed it to the side, discarding it like a piece of rubbish. Immediately his hands got working on you. Taking your dress off roughly, he pushed you down onto Draco's bed. Your body instantaneously collided with the cold silk sheets.

“You think this whole things funny, I wanted to fuck you until you were crying when I saw you with him.” He growled, his mouth crashing down onto yours, so damn fierce. You bit his lower lip and he reciprocated quickly, biting yours harder in response.

“So many damn years I watched you swoon over that arsehole and now you're all mine.”

“All yours,” you mewled.

His lips traveled from your neck to the valley of your breast, marking them with purple hues.

Your arousal pooled, trickling down your inner thighs. your was cunt hot and ready, ready for him to destroy. You whimpered feeling needy, you wanted him to fuck you raw and now. Opening your legs giving him an open invitation, you demanded weakly. “Want y’to fuck me now, please.”

“Gonna fuck your tight cunt raw, princess. But for now, y’get my fingers.” he stated, making you writhe underneath him from just words.

His hand grazed your cunt, you shivered from his touch. It was electrifying.

“Want m’fingers? Y’gonna have to earn them first, sweet cheeks.”

Your head fell back in defeat on the pillow, but you couldn’t give up. If you have to beg for his fingers, you'll do it. “Please, sir. I want y’fingers in me!”

“Not good enough.” growled the brunette.

“Sir! I need you so bad, m’aching for you!” that did it for him.

His erection was evident, he brought his tip to your cunt and striked, with no damn mercy. He thrusted into you with a relentless amount of force. Cries, whimpers, and screams fell from your lips. His cock felt so good sliding in and out of your cunt.

“Filling up y’cunt s’good baby?”

“S’good and big, don’t know if i can take it.” you cried.

He went even harder, viciously the headboard slammed against the wall and his cock was hitting your good spot. You inevitably shook beneath him, your legs wrapping around his waist, bringing you two closer.

“Now, tell me why you were touching him everyfuckingwhere.”

“I was just being friendly, sir. Like how I am with you!”

“Sweetheart, is there anything friendly with me giving you this cock and the way you're taking it?” grunting, his strokes viciously intruded your sex over and over again. You yelped, fucking cried; urgent for more of his deranged thrust.

“N-no,”

“He could never fuck you like this,” he scoffed.

“Never, sir. Only you can!” you confessed, feeding his ego.

Draco walked up the stairs, finding his way to his room. He heard a creaking… no a bang and it was repeated, all coming from his room?

His face had a puzzled look, putting his hand on his dorr knob, he twisted to open the door to his worst fucking nightmare. His best mate fucking the girl he loved most in the world. There you were, crying like a bitch for Theodore fucking Knott. His blood pressure rose, knuckles cracked, jaw twitched.

You both were so lost in it that you didn’t even know that he was there.

Your nails dug into his back, “This what you want, doll? A real man who can fuck you like how you deserve to be, a bitch.” he groaned, tearing you to pieces.

“Yes, yes!” you cried, tears spilling from your eyes.

That was the end point for Draco.

“What the fuck are you both doing!” he barked.

But Theo didn’t stop, no fucking way. After all these years, he was gonna fuck you in front of him. Everything he dreamed of since the blonde took you from his grasp. Draco knew that Theo liked you, yet still went after you. This was Theo’s revenge on the blonde brat.

“Fuck, get out, Malfoy!” you screamed, in bliss and annoyance.

“You're in my room!” he deadpanned, his heart was still twisting in distraught hearing you call him ‘Malfoy’.

It hurt more than it should have.

“Get the fuck out.” Theo growled, his pace going even faster; your whole body thrashed. Knowing that draco was there watching his rough rolls were only enraged, out of fucking control. Your cunt was sure to be bruised.

With a scowl on his face, the blond retreated. Tears of anger and pain brimmed his eyes, is this what you felt that day when you found out? Did you also feel your chest closing in, about to give out on you? That strange lump in his throat climbing its way up? He couldn’t stand these feelings, It hurt. The pain rhythmed against him, just like how she did that night in the bar. The mistake of a lifetime. For his committed crimes, he was bound to pay a debt, the debt of love. That day… it was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, and yet it wasn’t. It was disheartening, miserable, he dreaded every moment of it. It utterly was the worst day of his life. And that was all because you had found out about his crimes, he said he was loyal and lied to your face.

Run, hide

Oh, you're so done

Oh, better sleep with one eye open tonight.

“Where were you that night?” you questioned, hands wrapped around the hot cup of coffee.

“What night?” he responded,

“The night of the miscarrige, you never came home and I waited for you.”

His heart ached and the ice in his heart roared to thaw out, it shivered in spite; all so that he could spill the truth to you. But the ice was frozen solid, only the heat of eternal love could break it down and there wasn’t enough love in his heart for you. . . and that’s what hurt the most.

But realizing that he was going to lose you, and that's when it registered in his mind that he loved you more than anything, even more than himself. And watching you with another man was just the cherry on top. Something unpleasant inflamed something inside of him, he was going to get you back.

No matter how many times you’ll say no, turn him away, scowl in return, he’ll keep trying. He had to, it was eternal love and your heart would set him free from his own despair.

So maybe this wasn’t just all about his love for you, he was going to get something out of it. He needed to woo you first, get you to fall for him again, and then all the guilt he’s ever felt would simply disappear.

Did he really think it was this easy?

Ever since the day you had discovered he cheated on you, your hatred stemmed, growing high as mount everest. You would make him pay, make him understand that what he did to you was wrong. Show everyone that you're not just Draco Malfoy’s ex. The One That Got Away. You were so much more and you were going to show everyone that.

I see red, red, oh red, oh

A gun to your head, head, to your head, oh

Executioner style, and there won’t be no trial

Don’t you know that you're better off dead

All I see is red, red, oh red,

Now all I see is red, red

“I know, mother! They all think I'm pregnant with Draco's child, carrying the next Malfoy heir!” Astoria cackled, tossing her head back. Her mother laughed along. They both were seated on the black leather couches of Malfoy Manor, having a cup of tea. Draco had told Astoria that he was going out to Diagon Alley to hang out with Blaise for the day.

Turns out there was a change of plans.

taglist: @underappreciated-spoon-321 @o-rion-sta-r @orphixc @dracoscum @marrymetheonott @l0vely-lupin @kpostedsum @malfoysmainb @drac0spersonalslut @youreso-golden @yiamalfoy @just-a-smol-spoon @dr4cking @dlmmdl @hotgirlwhoreadsff @littlemissnoname13 @mvdbldd @f4iryluvy @itsmentalillness @pansyspet @thatsluttybitch @teenwolfbitches28

sequel taglist: obviously @f4iryluvy,(whore has been talking her mouth off for the sequel smh) @nevillescomslut @sksliz @madi0987

and special tag for the one and only @wolfstar-lb

hmu to be added to my taglist!!

[dreamingbrownie]

Tagging games #5

I’ve been tagged by @fandom-glazed and wanted to do this anyway, so here we go! Tagging anyone who wants to do this ^__^ 1. what’s your favorite way to dress? Black all the way. I’m a fancy goth on the inside and trying (but most likely failing) on the outside. 2. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Not to be so voulnerable to the people that mean a lot to me would be nice. Not getting attached so fucking fast. 3. What movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? I tend to love movies reducing me to a sobbing mess, so that doesn’t count as calming me down, does it? As for a series, I’m all for Merlin BBC at the moment which I watch unfrequently with @fandom-glazed on Netflix and usually laugh my ass off at Arthur and Merlin’s antics. :D 4. What does your room smell like? Dust, nailpolish, some tea and the slightly burnt smell of my old heaters. 5. Do you like to organize? Hell fucking no. I’m an ADD person, nope, I don’t. 6. What kind of music would you listen to if you could only choose one? German rock / gothic rock. Unheilig, Staubkind, Blutengel, Lord of the Lost, Letzte Instanz, that kind of thing. Not that either of those bands would ring a bell with most of tumblr users, I assume. 7. What song is your aesthetic? Oh man, making me choose there is mean. Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, Stand my ground by Within Temptation, Morgana by Lord of the Lost. Hard and heavy. 8. What color do you think goes best with your personality? Crimson like my hair right now, probably. 9. Do you believe in auras? Nope. 10. What do you wish you hated, but actually like? Ballet. To wish for having been introduced to how to ruin your body in the most beautiful way as a child is kind of unhealthy. 11. Vague about your crush(es) Valentin Winter / van Porcelain. That man. Go to his tumblr @valentinvanporcelaine and dare ask me again why I’m addicted to his aesthetics. 12. Is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? Yep. Not talking about specific people in my personal life here tho.  13. Talk about an AU or story you came up with Oh boy, here we go. If you get me started on my vampire novels, we’ll be here all day and I won’t even be half way finished. I adore my own characters to a decree that might be weird, I ship some of them and the main gay pair Count Louis and his life long best friend and personal vassal Chris, later Knight of Alderton, to death and writing anything with those two idiots in love soothes me so much. The main trilogy (A shimmer of Red, Black and Silver respectively) is huge (as in 200k for the first, 140k for the second and 110k as of yet for the unfinished third) but not finished yet, I’m almost there and would have been a year ago if I’d just get my arse out of the Fantastic Beasts Fandom and saunter off to writing my own stuff again. Unfortunately, Albus and Gellert own my ass at the moment and I’m overflowing with plotbunnies that won’t go away on their own. I know my mind. I need to write them all down before I get any peace at all. Lol. 14. Do you like makeup? No, not really, I like sharp-winged-eyeliner though. 15. Do you prefer space or the ocean? Ocean all the way. Space is fascinating and I’m a massive nerd for SpaceX because their projects are so promising for the future of mankind, but standing at the shore, being able to breathe properly again (asthma kid here, hi) and cry from sheer relief of hearing the waves crash against the cliff or roll onto the beach again is my life blood. I’ll have that next week again. Fucking finally. The sea soothes me so, so much and I suffer from constant longing for distance. We have a very fitting word for the feeling in German. Fernweh. Roughly translated to “I want to get far away from here so much it hurts.” Yeah, that’s the German language right there for you. 16. If you could pick any planet besides earth, where would you live? Pandora, probably. You know, three meters tall blue humanoids, a captivating nature, trees large enough to be a bother for the planet’s rotation, probably? Yeah. I’d like that very much. 17. What form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) I’m quite content with the German system of Social economy. Pure capitalism, socialism and communism are shit, don’t work in the long run and should just be abolished altogether. 18. What animal would you keep as a pet, if you could? Give me a black cat, please 19. What do you think our purpose is in the universe? To find our place between the stars, become a multi planetary species and to develop a way that’s not as destructive to the planet we inhabit. There’s a beautiful sentence that sums it all up in Interstellar from Cooper: “We might have been born on earth, but we don’t have to die here.” 20. Do you believe in god(s)? Nope. Atheist all the way. Before anyone misunderstands me, though: believe whatever you want to, I don’t judge people for their religion, it’s just so not my tea. 21. Is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? Yep. Chasing cars by Snow Patrol. 22. What ex do you miss the most, if you have one? Mean question. I only have an ex-girlfriend and sometimes I miss her gentleness and how instantly she saw right through me, but she replaced me, we’ve been done for a bit more than five years now and I’m over her. :) 23. Do you like soft, fluffy blankets or rough/smooth blankets? Soft, fluffy blankets all the way. 24. What is your favorite thing to learn about? History. What do you think I’d study that for? :D 25. What country’s history do you find the most interesting? Man, that’s a mean one again. I’m pretty solid on English history, but I don’t know the first thing about Asian history altogether because german schools don’t teach that and we’ve got a different subject for Asian culture in university so it’s not included in my must-do-schedule too, but I’d like to learn more about it soon. 26. What do you think about genderbent ____ (insert someone here) Nope, noping right out, nopedinopenope, not my tea. At all. 27. What breakup was the hardest, if you had one? The one I had was... bad. Not talking about that here any further tho. 28. Do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? A couple of weeks ago, my answer would have been yes, but I’ve got that all sorted out now. Not dwelling on it, though. It doesn’t matter. 29. What do you think about tumblr discourse? Ughhh. Exhausting most of the time. I loved the metas in the Sherlock fandom before it all fell apart and I like Fantastic Beasts metas, but people get so emotional so fast that normal discussions are all but impossible here. 30. What instrument do you wish you could master? Piano. Still salty that I’ve been forced to stop that as a child. 31. How easy is it for you to be honest? Very. I’m a very honest person and I’m shite at lying. 32. Do you have any strange interests? Fandoms, probably? xD I find fossils infinetely fascinating, anything conserning dragons (that sounds strange in context, I’m well aware that they don’t exist) and the way stars are born in large nebulas is something poetic to me. 33. Do you have any strange fears? Strange? I dunno, I’ve just about ran out of the kitched screaming at the top of my lungs when a fucking spider dropped ON MY HEAD yesterday evening, you tell me if that’s strange. Drowning would suck a lot, I guess. Anything that makes you suffocate. Nope. 34. What food do you binge on when you’re lazy? Toast with something on it. I did that in exam week last week, not because I’m lazy but because I just did not have the time or the nerves for cooking. 35. When you get angry, how do you show it? I go all quiet and drill my posture to absolute perfection until it hurts. You’ll notice when I’m mad. Seldom happens, though, I’m hard to offend. 36. Do you have any impulsive movements? (twitches, ticks, flapping, etc.) Picking fingers. Bad habit that I’m trying to get rid of. 37. What do you listen to music on? YouTube and Spotify on the PC, used my phone a massive lot for that during the summer too but now with all the layers of jackets and coats and such it’s a bit hard to stuff my large phone anywhere. 38. Are you left brained or right brained? Uhhhh what? I’m right handed, but I don’t think I have any tendencies otherwise. 39. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. 40. Do you like light blankets or heavy blankets? Light blankets for around the flat, heavy in bed. I’d like to be able to breathe.

[devilressprincess]

Nonsense

Why Am I Making Myself Suffer?

Yes, it is my own doing. Yes, it could've gone the other way. Yes, it is no one but my own fault.

But why choose to suffer?

No, it cannot be undone.

Best way to go about this is to move forward.

Question is, how?

How do they do it?

How do they survive?

I’m confused and I'm suffering. I'm Confuffering.

It wasn't always like this. Actually, that's a lie. It has been like this for 3 years and nothing has changed.

I've done everything I could to make things better and then one thing comes after another and you just sort of lose yourself in the loop. It's a never ending process. 

It goes on and on and on.

I don't even know what my problem is. I know the surface of it but I want to go beyond what is visibly presented.

I'm writing. Yes. It's been a long time. I only write when I see no more way out. I guess i'm at rock bottom again. Did I even leave rock bottom or was I just pretending to be someplace else?

I keep nodding. I keep saying "Yes". That's how I survived. 

Well, it's no longer working for me. I have pushed and pushed and let myself go crazy in the process. I don't know what is what anymore.I don't know how to swim above water. I'm drowning and i'm falling deep within the ocean bed.

These next few weeks will be a challenge. I don't know how I will survive this one.

---

I have a wild imagination and I used to write stories that I formed inside my head. It helps me let out a great deal of frustrations.

I used to be very into, like, writing stories. I used to write love stories centered on one man and one woman from different walks of life and ending meeting on some fortunate coincidence.

The guy always has this mysterious--rich persona. The girl falling head over heels but at the same time hesitant because of some dark secret within; not the magic kind of darkness, just you know, dark past and all.

I had 2 stories "published". Published meaning I allowed people to see it, to read it, and comment on it.

The first one I wrote on our computer. The old school desktop computer that everyone in the family uses. We had like, our own folders to use for saving purposes. I printed it out and had my classmates read it. The second one, I wrote on scratch papers. Like literally, scratch papers. My brothers would always be on the computer playing games and what not since this is the era where internet was introduced through dial up. I had less computer time, but I needed to write, So I grabbed a bunch of papers lying around, got myself a pen, and started writing.

Now listen up, the type of pen your use matters. I couldn't write with a lousy pen. How a pen costs doesn't even matter. What matters is how the pen feels on the hand. When I hold the right pen the words automatically writes itself. I don't even have to think, it goes and goes on itself. LOL

Anyway, I have a third novel that was left unfinished. It's written on a notebook I had back in college and I couldn't find it anymore. It was kind of a dead-end story. I don't know how to continue. I wrote it back in college and at the time pen pals through online sites was a big thing. I mean, you can hide your identity and be somebody else and not get caught. Today, it is still the case but more and more please use their own personal details through secured social media applications/sites. "Secured" as they say but I'm not quite sure. More secured than 10 years ago, I presume. Going back to the story, it was about this 2 people who grew up together, the boy falling for her, the girl not wanting to ruin their friendship and at the same time spending so much time chatting with an online friend called Hyper-boy. The boy moved to a different location, the girl decided to meet up with Hyper-boy which coincidentally was the boy she originally rejected and then... well, like I said, I didn't finish it. It was a dead end.

And then I started to explore an outside world. I started a script like story which, to put on record, I did not finish as well. It started good, I had all these characters with their own persona. I had battle scenes mind, love conflict, twists; it had a lot of elements in it. But I underestimated my writing capabilities. I wasn't ready for it. It ended up being a waste.

Now, I no longer have a laptop so I cannot write stories. I don't like using papers because it leaves a trail. I'll burn down any piece of paper I've written into. This one, I'll delete.

Maybe. Because, writing, for me, is just a temporary escape. It's no longer my solemn solace.

My world has turned into black and white. It's either this or that, yes or no, can do it or can't do it. There's no more in between.

How did I end up at the same place and disposition as I was a year ago? Few months ago I was at the top. I was in control. I was being productive. Now I can't barely think. I can barely pay rent.

I'm a mess. Guess when you go down, you go down.

----

Day 2

I'm still surviving. Yeah. Second day. How am I still here. Okay, so here's day 2. I'm super hungry. I wanted to eat something healthy but y options are limited, actually, scarce. So I ended up in a fast food chain. I haven't touched the food yet as I am very unwilling to eat rice or anything heavy but, what choice do I have.

Anyway, my previous account is currently in the process of hiring additional people. I was rooting for this one person I used to do audits on and i've been encouraging her to apply since I know how she works and we kind of need someone like her. She didn't come. She missed her window of opportunity.

It had me thinking about my life and what opportunities had I missed out. Work-wise, I don't think I have missed anything that I regret. I mean, sure, there are chances that for others would've been an opportunity of a lifetime but certainly not to me. In fact, now that I think about it, I feel like I kind of grabbed too many opportunities last year that I ended too stressed about work. I took on too much responsibility too soon and it took a toll on me. Now I'm back to doing absolutely nothing and this happens; I write. I write because I'm bored. I wirte because I don't have anything else better to do. I write because I'm in that dark place again. I write because... just cause.

So here's to another 9 hours of pure bliss.

The guilt that comes after. That's always going to be there, isn't it? Eating fast food always comes with a price; a high price. Ugh. I wanna die right now.