#which is fine i'm 30
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It's moments like me saying something hilariously false to a guy who I'm dating in an effort to get him to argue with me that I realize.. this wild Ne is chaos at night
#it's a good thing he's a good match#and just makes this knowing face#he's like#i ain't arguing with that#lmao#sad i gotta break up with him#age difference is too much#(21 years my senior)#which is fine i'm 30#frontal lobe is fully formed#i'm well paid and don't need a sugar daddy or anything we just hit it off#but he's raised my expectations for all men#he's very hot (objectively) lordy lordy lord and he looks 10 years younger (which is why we got started in the first place)#and he puts so much effort#cooks and cleans for me#and knows not to argue with me lol.. i say something and he's like sure you're right.#-.- but yeah it's the most right answer for a partner of mine#ne#entp#sad i still have to keep looking
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Hatchetfield @femslashfortnight Day 1: Make It Sapphic AU
#once again we are ignoring the fact that it is not technically still day 1 where I live#look i am only like 30 minutes off so it's fine.#it's still day 1 in 3/4 of the US so we're fine#anyways here's sapphic Holloween because we all deserve a little bit of that in our lives#Inspired by the incredibly talented Snarky-wallflower#if you are reading this you simply must go check her out#she's an amazing author and a rad person so there are no downsides in lookin her up#but yeah that's crazy i finished two drawings in one day whoa#like i said i've got events back to back to back to back right now#so i've got another drawing to work on for tomorrow#but i'm not doing every day for this one#i've got art fight to prepare for as well#and work stuff to work on#fun fact: the most abundant mineral in the earth's mantle is Olivine#which is this beautiful green color#and even though it is so common#i do not have it in my collection smh#gotta get me some of that#did you know that i love rocks and minerals#i think i will start doing more rock facts because i've got plenty of those#hatchetfield femslash fortnight#holloweane#holloduke#miss holloway#duke keane#butch!duke keane#hatchetfield#nightmare time#nightmare time 2#kim whalen
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Kia has decided to retire her winter wardrobe all over my everything
#kiadanta#my cats#ragdoll#cat#the fluff heap in the last picture is what i brushed from her yesterday and today#it seems to be working though!! i can pick her up and only have a 30% opacity fur coating on me afterwards#instead of the 80% it was at the start of yesterday#I'm glad shes receptive to being bribed with treats to be wetted down and brushed extensively for such long sessions#she has a good time with everything except belly brushing#which i have to do much more coaxing for#but with treat bribery i can recall her to the brushing spot pretty much instantly whenever she starts to wander off#and while she doesnt like her coat being sprayed directly she's fine with me cupping water in my hands and wiping it on her#i find it's much much easier to brush her when she's damp#otherwise the fur is all so stupidly fine it just floats away and i cant get much of the loose stuff onto the brush at all. just goes whoosh#summer shedding be like that
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wow ive been kind of off lately I should take a day to rest an[explosion]
#[.art]#self#complaining tag#I'm good. I needed to draw about it but I'm good. it's fine. whatever#love it when I barely ask you for money to Live outside of gifts and 30 a month. and then you withold the gift SOMEONE ELSE GAVE ME#that's fine it's totally not as if I told you I need that money before. and you decided I was a bit too mean#about you compiling a document I Need To in order to keep the room and board in the place I am living in. by the way#she proceeded to change topic completely to the weather and forget about anything ive told her on the clothes I have here#or about the courses I follow. she takes notes for my sister's classes but cannot be bothered to remember i dont have exams in april#that's fineeee it's fine. it's fine. I know my sistser needs the help and I don't. I would rather die than ask for her help anyways#you can at least pretend to forget about both of us equally instead of telling me I should graduate in two years because im smart enough#which I am not. by the way. At least when I will fail at something I'll have the opportunity to tell her I told you so thank god#dont get me wrong i know her giving me compliments is a good thing I just sort of wish the were things actually about me#and not about the idea she has about me being some kind of prodigy that's simply too lazy to actually be exceptional. anyways
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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before
#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up#sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation#even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been#some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss#but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time#over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either#i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane#i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after#i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at#it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same#silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time#it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen#of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately#this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country#again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want#things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao#i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot#everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me#and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d#anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that#to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm#recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca#also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before#anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun#and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have#i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired#and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that#i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip#whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn#(<- guy who should be in therapy)
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realizing i've given myself a 12-hr school day twice a week ... well it's the last semester!
#all but one are 3hr long studios LMFAO#to be fair i do way better with art homework than any other kinds. which is why i am in art school lol#im taking an anatomy class that should hopefully pair well with my figure drawing class#(i did this by design)#and my ceramics class will be a nice reprieve from the others#and of course I'm excited for my painting class OMG. i can't wait to see what our assignments will be#my capstone is the big one I'm trying to take as much burden off of as possible.... my#client that I'm working with is very eager and communicative#and getting shit worked out for that won't be difficult at all#we'll have to see .. but i think I'm gonna make it through just fine#my 12hr day consists of three 3hr classes w a lunch break in between the first two. I'm gonna have to figure out how dinner will work lol#wake up at 6:30 leave my last class at 6:15#gulp
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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
#metalocalypse#jay talkin#I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level#for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda#changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is#don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men#his transness wouldnt change that#only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band#is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had#he becomes more caring more supportive#it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind#and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences#i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways#to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it#so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine#i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt#but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues#and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does#again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol#AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans#do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model#I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA
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Actually no, I don't think Colin's dead. There's been a BIG theme of transformation/apotheosis in the statements, and becoming one with your job/obsession (even literally In This Episode with the custodian). I think Colin's gonna be a part of Freddy now, in some way or another. He's probably gonna WISH he was dead, but I don't think we're quite done with him yet.
#tmagp 30#tmagp spoilers#if we haven't found his body Next Episode and the computers seem perfectly fine then I rescind this statement and believe he's dead#But I'm actually going to double down now on my belief that he's gonna be a ghost in the machine#like what people have been saying jon and martin have been (which I actually dont think I personally buy)#sorry silly tech guy you are now become the tech
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Damn, these two fandoms really shook a lot of people. Soooo like for a starter from one of my Arcane or DanDaDan muses? You don't have to specify muse but you do have to specify which fandom you want. They will most likely be one liners unless I get a burst of inspiration.
All Muses Under Cut
Arcane: Vi Jinx Ekko DanDaDan: Okarun Rin Sawaki
#✰ — OOC ✶ Look Among The Galaxy#I started posting about both of them and so many of you started shaking me outta nowhere ))#Which I appreciate tbh I just thought it was hilarious lmao ))#I'll do starters while I work on my drafts/inbox ))#I'd make it an inbox call but let's be honest for most of you I'm probably already in your inbox eleven times ))#Already building yet another queue because I'm insane so why not add more to the to-do list ))#Also any mutual can like for this it's fine ))#Even if we have like 30 threads already you can like this and ask for 31 idc ))#Start 31 threads with me you won't ))#You can ask for multiple starters too idc ))#Anything goes here I am so open to everything ))
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people have stayed at my house the last 2 weekends and i found out yesterday that someone will be staying here AGAIN except this time it's not just a night but the entire weekend *smashes my head through the dry wall*
#cons to moving away from everyone you know but not far enough away that they don't come visit all at the same time for some reason#I'm happy to see them but my social battery is dead as a door nail and i don't sleep great while ppl are here bc I'm in host mode#this weekend it's one of my in laws who could DEFINITELY stay in he hotel literally 30 seconds down the road and like it more but it's ok#it's FINE u guys#streams of consciousness#not to mention my cleaning ocd which paired with my hatred of doing repetitive things is akin to Chinese water torture
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Starting to become. Honestly a bit miffed at UPS.
#i never should have looked at the tracking#if it just ends up being a day or two late thats fine its the holidays whatever#but knowing its been at the same facility like 10 miles from the destination for a week now is mildly irritating#it could have very easily been quite early but fine i paid for it to arrive at a certain time and thats fine#but its an hour and fifteen minutes from the end of the estimated window and its STILL not even out for delivery#and for it to be *late* after sitting ten miles away for a week is just#I'm allowed to be annoyed at that right????#like#the person its for won't even be home until tomorrow but thats so hugely not the point#nevermind its been near two weeks total since i handed the parcel off#i could have damn near delivered it on foot by now#these things happen and its the holidays and its FINE but like#i paid double the price to avoid having to drive 30 minutes to the post office#i've been REALLY hoping it gets there at least by tomorrow evening which shouldn't have been a hard ask#and im just#im upset idk#it's dumb but its really bothering me
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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i have depriving myself down to an art form
#why am i like this??#why do I keep breaking my own heart?#apparently I've also got to finish the job by posting into the abyss#wish someone would fix me cos this cycle ain't stopping#(missed out on adopting yet another rescue dog I had my heart set on)#i should be fine with this cos I said I wanted to give a home to a dog who had trouble finding one#or who would struggle with inexperienced owners#and this dog was rehomed in just days so he clearly didn't need me#but after the extreme grief of losing my last dog to cancer it's been really hard for me to find a dog I'm ready to commit to#(especially in my town cos I'm just not a staffy/pig dog person and that's 99.99% of dogs here)#and I don't know when it's going to happen again#I finally got ready to hit that button to enquire and then got the news on page reload. it hurts#the other dog I like is too far away to meet and would hate the 2-day car ride back.#he's been getting overlooked for too long. but he's also like 30+kg which dramatically increases his ongoing cost of care#and I'm still trying to find work. (I could have afforded looking after the little guy inc. in any emergencies with my savings)#anyway I have to pick myself up cos my nieces have asked me to [“help them”] train their big unruly dog#that it was 100% irresponsible of my sister to get#but as usual she gets to have whatever she wants and everyone else has to pick up the pieces#and then I get to hate myself for growing bitter from being responsible and caring about the situation I put others in (ppl and dogs)#anyway gonna go cry myself to sleep#maybe one day I'll get sane and stop my belief in “signs from the universe” to guide me re: whether it's ok to let myself have something#(after I've done the logic math)
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Second week on the job and already suicidal lmao
#not bc of the job but bc uhhhh gestures at the rest of the world#that's fine tho bc I'm on a work trip rn and i get a 30€ allowance for meals daily#for 3 days that's 90€ and so far I've only spent 50€ which means the bottle of wine I'm going to drown my sorrows in tonight is gonna#be covered by the company!!#also wingstop!!
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>fails at waking up at 6:45, moves my alarm to 7:00. "surely i'll make it in time or at least won't be too late"
>fails at waking up at 7:00, moves it to 7:15. "maybe one of my parents could give me a ride? 🥺 or i'll just text my director when i wake up and go back to sleep then"
>literally sleeps through the 7:15 one (this has literally never happened to me. at least not since i was a teenager maybe)
>wakes up at 12:30 extremely worried abt not notifying my director and hoping i didn't cause too much trouble to anyone
>she sent a message that she's sick and won't be coming today
#she did call me to make sure i saw her msg tho 😭 but that's fine#this is very satisfying ngl#she sent her msg at 7:30 so i probably would've seen it before i was fully ready which is good#but usually she does send this sort of thing like. right before i'm about to leave#(plus if i woke up at 6:45 and saw it at 7:30 it would've been already too late for me to go back to sleep)#so. love that things turned out so perfectly. god bless
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and i know i could and possibly might just start posting about fics and what not that i'm writing her and set up a kofi and take suggestions and what not but. it's a lot of work.
#i'm just trying to find things i can do to help me out y'know?#motivation wise sometimes having prompts or suggestions is helpful#but building a platform annoys me and scares me#and i don't think one should have to do that to write fic and what not.#or make playlists or anything.#bc monetizing and making creative outlets like that a job or a popularity contest kills the joy for doing them.#but i also have nothing else i can offer that would be in any way marketable or monetary in terms of making something into a side hustle.#i need a raise. i need to stay longer at work. i need all kinds of things#bc it's just. crushing me atm.#and i feel like shit being crushed.#by the economy and the world at large.#i just want to thrive. and be able to get myself little treats when i think i deserve them.#and it's just. impossible at the moment.#i'm going to be 30 this year.#and i've got to keep reminding myself that i'm doing okay.#we have a house.#we are making payments on it and everything is fine#but i feel. so stretched out.#mentally and physically.#and i feel like a burden. even though i know i'm not.#like. i'm making the car payments. which we need. and i'm paying the insurance and the internet bills and my part of the mortgage#but like.#i still feel like i'm not contributing where i need to.#and it's just.#damn y'know?#idk how to fix that.#and it's not just me wanting more money to buy books it's me feeling like shit bc i can't put as much towards groceries.#or put my part towards the phone bill or electric and gas.#anyway i'm feeling like slimy howl i'm gonna go write something.
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