#which is fine i'm 30
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It's moments like me saying something hilariously false to a guy who I'm dating in an effort to get him to argue with me that I realize.. this wild Ne is chaos at night
#it's a good thing he's a good match#and just makes this knowing face#he's like#i ain't arguing with that#lmao#sad i gotta break up with him#age difference is too much#(21 years my senior)#which is fine i'm 30#frontal lobe is fully formed#i'm well paid and don't need a sugar daddy or anything we just hit it off#but he's raised my expectations for all men#he's very hot (objectively) lordy lordy lord and he looks 10 years younger (which is why we got started in the first place)#and he puts so much effort#cooks and cleans for me#and knows not to argue with me lol.. i say something and he's like sure you're right.#-.- but yeah it's the most right answer for a partner of mine#ne#entp#sad i still have to keep looking
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Hatchetfield @femslashfortnight Day 1: Make It Sapphic AU
#once again we are ignoring the fact that it is not technically still day 1 where I live#look i am only like 30 minutes off so it's fine.#it's still day 1 in 3/4 of the US so we're fine#anyways here's sapphic Holloween because we all deserve a little bit of that in our lives#Inspired by the incredibly talented Snarky-wallflower#if you are reading this you simply must go check her out#she's an amazing author and a rad person so there are no downsides in lookin her up#but yeah that's crazy i finished two drawings in one day whoa#like i said i've got events back to back to back to back right now#so i've got another drawing to work on for tomorrow#but i'm not doing every day for this one#i've got art fight to prepare for as well#and work stuff to work on#fun fact: the most abundant mineral in the earth's mantle is Olivine#which is this beautiful green color#and even though it is so common#i do not have it in my collection smh#gotta get me some of that#did you know that i love rocks and minerals#i think i will start doing more rock facts because i've got plenty of those#hatchetfield femslash fortnight#holloweane#holloduke#miss holloway#duke keane#butch!duke keane#hatchetfield#nightmare time#nightmare time 2#kim whalen
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Kia has decided to retire her winter wardrobe all over my everything
#kiadanta#my cats#ragdoll#cat#the fluff heap in the last picture is what i brushed from her yesterday and today#it seems to be working though!! i can pick her up and only have a 30% opacity fur coating on me afterwards#instead of the 80% it was at the start of yesterday#I'm glad shes receptive to being bribed with treats to be wetted down and brushed extensively for such long sessions#she has a good time with everything except belly brushing#which i have to do much more coaxing for#but with treat bribery i can recall her to the brushing spot pretty much instantly whenever she starts to wander off#and while she doesnt like her coat being sprayed directly she's fine with me cupping water in my hands and wiping it on her#i find it's much much easier to brush her when she's damp#otherwise the fur is all so stupidly fine it just floats away and i cant get much of the loose stuff onto the brush at all. just goes whoosh#summer shedding be like that
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wow ive been kind of off lately I should take a day to rest an[explosion]
#[.art]#self#complaining tag#I'm good. I needed to draw about it but I'm good. it's fine. whatever#love it when I barely ask you for money to Live outside of gifts and 30 a month. and then you withold the gift SOMEONE ELSE GAVE ME#that's fine it's totally not as if I told you I need that money before. and you decided I was a bit too mean#about you compiling a document I Need To in order to keep the room and board in the place I am living in. by the way#she proceeded to change topic completely to the weather and forget about anything ive told her on the clothes I have here#or about the courses I follow. she takes notes for my sister's classes but cannot be bothered to remember i dont have exams in april#that's fineeee it's fine. it's fine. I know my sistser needs the help and I don't. I would rather die than ask for her help anyways#you can at least pretend to forget about both of us equally instead of telling me I should graduate in two years because im smart enough#which I am not. by the way. At least when I will fail at something I'll have the opportunity to tell her I told you so thank god#dont get me wrong i know her giving me compliments is a good thing I just sort of wish the were things actually about me#and not about the idea she has about me being some kind of prodigy that's simply too lazy to actually be exceptional. anyways
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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
#metalocalypse#jay talkin#I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level#for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda#changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is#don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men#his transness wouldnt change that#only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band#is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had#he becomes more caring more supportive#it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind#and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences#i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways#to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it#so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine#i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt#but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues#and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does#again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol#AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans#do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model#I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA
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Actually no, I don't think Colin's dead. There's been a BIG theme of transformation/apotheosis in the statements, and becoming one with your job/obsession (even literally In This Episode with the custodian). I think Colin's gonna be a part of Freddy now, in some way or another. He's probably gonna WISH he was dead, but I don't think we're quite done with him yet.
#tmagp 30#tmagp spoilers#if we haven't found his body Next Episode and the computers seem perfectly fine then I rescind this statement and believe he's dead#But I'm actually going to double down now on my belief that he's gonna be a ghost in the machine#like what people have been saying jon and martin have been (which I actually dont think I personally buy)#sorry silly tech guy you are now become the tech
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people have stayed at my house the last 2 weekends and i found out yesterday that someone will be staying here AGAIN except this time it's not just a night but the entire weekend *smashes my head through the dry wall*
#cons to moving away from everyone you know but not far enough away that they don't come visit all at the same time for some reason#I'm happy to see them but my social battery is dead as a door nail and i don't sleep great while ppl are here bc I'm in host mode#this weekend it's one of my in laws who could DEFINITELY stay in he hotel literally 30 seconds down the road and like it more but it's ok#it's FINE u guys#streams of consciousness#not to mention my cleaning ocd which paired with my hatred of doing repetitive things is akin to Chinese water torture
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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i'll get on my inbox, you guys i promise, i love you al land appreciate the love, i just barely got home and i'm super tired (family event all day)
#boy do i need to start being more an asshole but like if someone asks for help i'm gonna if i can#cusin's kid got christened which is fine but there were like 30 people which is a lot and i was basically the catering person#also like there were 8 or 9 kids under 6 which is a lot#especially in condieration how loud they are so my head is trying to tear apart for like 4 hours now#but at least the ceremony was not long so that's a plus#and the priest is a really cool dude#he is a young and extremely worldly guy with a good sense of humour#so all of it was nice. well as much as someone not exactly particing any kind of religion can be a judge of it#i also got my passport!! yey!#i am also in the verge of a full on breakdown because the suspicious pakige was indeed for me as a gift#i have not asked back for a loan and i'm not saying anyhitng other than someone remembered something#and Darya probably should consider a side job as an oracle or seer#i need to digest this for real#but i'll get on the inbox soon#i just need food and a bit of rest#and like 4 red bulls
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y'all remember that erotic but chilling short story where armand tells louis about feeding on people and it's like super horny in that anne rice way. well i had a copy of it somewhere, but i cannot find it. i don't remember what the name was. anyone out there got a link?
#i'm afraid to post in the main armand tag#i don't go there bc i hear ppl are still fighting over armand not being 17 and a redhead#which is a change that i like personally bc they aged up the other characters to their 30s when changed to vamps#like i know that it changes certain aspects of his character#but it's an adaption so i'm fine with it#as long as they stay true to the spirit of the characters i'm good#also i know the books go on and on about his beauty#but i literally work at a high school and see 17 yr old boys daily#and they look like babies to me now that i'm an adult in my 30s
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if i have to change my schedule one more time i'm going cry
#I'M ONLY TAKING TWO CLASSES THIS SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD#i need to take a creative writing workshop#and the first one i signed up for got cancelled#and then i just found out i can't retake one of the other ones for credit again#which is maybe my fault for not knowing that???#idk it's all very confusing#but that just means that there's only one workshop i can actually take that will count#it's playwriting#which is fine#i'm not super interested in it which is why i didn't sign up for it originally#but i think it'll still be fun enough#anyway now i have a huge gap in my schedule from 11:15-4:30 LMAO#both of my classes are on the same days at least i guess idk
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ohhhhh my godddddd
#teeth.txt#i'm a temp worker right now which is fine but management has been SO UNCLEAR about how long theyre actually gonna keep me on#when i was hired officially as a temp (changed from a student) i was told directly that i was authorized to work for a full year#(aka until july 2025)#so i was like cool sounds good!#but then earlier this month i asked for a slight schedule change (to work MORE mind you)#and got an email back saying 'ok your schedule is approved through oct 31st aka when your contract ends!'#and i was like. haha. what do you mean by that.#and was told to talk to my supervisor about continuing to work past that date#which i did and she was like 'oh yeah i want your help' so i was like cool. sorted.#and that was... two weeks ago?#but i literally just got another email on that original thread from my supervisor#being like 'hey [director] did you decide to approve baz to keep working?'#DONT CC ME ON THIS!!!!!!!!!!#most stressful email to receive at 8:30 in the morning#i thought we were all squared away!!!!!!!!!!! i thought it was fine!!!!!!!!!#i just wish there was more transparency. like am i out of a job in 2 weeks or not.#this is also not the first time something like this has happened el oh el#helpppppp i'm gonna die
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ooooh. we got an apartment!!!
the house isn't completely finished yet so we can't move in until April. we'll have to figure that out. but that's fine. it's in the town where my husband works! which is amazing.
#I'm so relieved#it looks really nice. I wasn't at the viewing but I saw pictures.#it's a ground floor apartment which we wanted. it's near some shops. it's a 30 minute walk to his work#I'm just. ahh I'm so happy that we found something#the area looks good on google maps#we're signing the lease on Tuesday :) I'll get to see it then. so if it's horrible we won't take it obviously. but like I said it looks#nice and my husband said it's nice so#so we'll probably have to move back in with his parents for two months and have our stuff in storage#but that's okay#we'll also have to buy the kitchen appliances and everything. which isn't ideal. but it's fine#and everything will be new!! it'll all work! it won't be old and disgusting and awful!!#and there's definitely not an old lady who has lived there for 40 years and thinks she gets to decide how everyone else lives :')#and it's. kind of a new start. it's a 30 minute drive from here. not far at all but it feels very far to me (not in a bad way)#it's closer to a city too. not so close that it'd bother me but definitely nicer if we want to go there. which might be good I think#I'm tired of living in villages. everyone is so fucking close-minded and they know everything about you and. yeah no it's not for me. took a#while to realise that but. yeah. not doing that again. small towns are not that different but it IS definitely different#anyway guys I'm so relieved 😌😌😌#personal
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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Officially passed the halfway point of having my Inktober fics finished!! I am so cool and good at writing!!
#original content#I am NOT going in order#which is probably fine#I have#a plan#I've gotten days 1-8 done. day 11 and 16 and 19 and 22. days 25-27. and day 30 done.#Hope I'll have enough time tomorrow to get 2 done#that's the plan at least#goal is to have everything done by october 1st#getting the last few from the first 10 days done asap so I have some emergency breathing room#anyway I'm a fucking Beast ama
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i was gonna write after i got home but it's almost like the universe did not want me to and it's bummed me out! so lurking for me
#ツ ┊ ⧼ catwalk talk ⧽ ⇹ ( ooc. )#.was a lil late to work this morning bc of train issues#.and then it took me a grand total of an HOUR and 30 minutes to get home compared to 30 because of MORE train issues#.and then. the latch for one of the locks for the front door to the apartment is very clearly bent.#.so it needs to get replaced so that no one gets locked in when people lock the door... but that won't happen until tomorrow morning#.which is fine because deadbolt + chain + apartment is at the end of a long ass hall with cameras#.but all that really just cut into time that was already just... not there#.and now i'm kinda sad#.i was fine this morning and now i'm just like “man i wanna just go to sleep”#tbd
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