#which is beautiful to me but also rather isolating for me

[the-meme-monarch]

idk if this is just my brand of aroace-ness or the fact that I'm aroace combined with whatever neuroses i have but i literally cannot stand the idea of someone being attracted to me. it just makes me scared and sick to think about. I was bullied in school but the only times I was scared to Go was after the two instances in like middle and then high school where someone(two different people) told me they liked me/wanted to date me. i felt Disgusting and violated at just being told Basically 'i think you're pretty do you want to go out sometime' which I don't imagine is good for a person to feel that way. But the thing is i don't even really have much body dysphoria like it's Fine my body is Whatever but I've never been more mortified with the thought of someone perceiving me than then. I used to refuse to wear shorts bc I didn't want people even looking at my Legs

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[dekusleftsock]

I think about this sometimes but I personally love that Horikoshi took the Yandere trope, split it in two, and gave one half to Izuku and Himiko.

Like it’s so fascinating how you can just SEE how purposeful Himiko was as a character in hindsight standing next to him.

Himiko is a really interesting subversion of her trope for two reasons:

She hurts people because she loves them, not for isolation or destruction of the competition (gore/blood is love to her, not necessarily a means to love someone)

She’s not possessive. Like at all.

I’ve seen that hc a few times and it always bothers me. Ochako is for sure a possessive character (we saw that with Hatsume around Izuku way back at the sports festival arc), but Himiko? Really?

You mean the girl who had a crush on a boy AND the girl who also had a crush on the same boy? Her?

You mean the girl who doesn’t hurt people who love who she loves, rather actively encouraging it in the first place? That one? Really?

Like it’s such an integral part to her subversion too. It’s what makes her such a weird and fascinating character. Possessiveness is supposed to be whats ugly about love itself, yet her love remains ugly without it. She is ugly because the fundamental ways in which she sees and feels about the world are considered “wrong”, “dangerous”, and “deviant”.

But Izuku… ohhhh Izuku…

He holds this trait like a badge melted to his skin. My man cannot escape these allegations. It’s to the point where it’s honestly a fundamental to his narrative. Izuku does not act nor feel the same without it.

Izuku holds a cutesy nickname that literally every other childhood friend of Katsuki’s has long left behind, saying his real name instead (this is honestly why I’m also uninterested in a scene where Izuku calls him “Katsuki” instead of “Kacchan”, Katsuki doesn’t represent the same things the name Izuku does, imo at least), izuku “give him back to me” midoriya, holds his dead body to his chest on a cover, freaked out on someone either hurting/offending Kacchan.. 3 times(?), keeping big boy ofa secrets…. The list goes on.

So it’s this main reason that I think their characters are just so. Fucking. Intertwined. I’m glad this has become a more common interpretation because there’s just so much that aligns between them.

Both of them call their “special people” with -chan endings, both by their first names, both deemed deviants/irrelevant by society. It’s no wonder Ochako fell in love with Izuku, just like she did toga, they’re fucking freaks. They’re interesting. They’re weird. They’re overly friendly and socially inept and a little beaten down by the world yet have too much passion to stay on the ground. They’re envious of the ones they love (Ochako of her freedom to be a normal girl, Katsuki for his raw power and harnessed skill), and I guess I just wanted to make this post because I adore how it’s all done.

I LOVE how the yandere trope is used as societal commentary here. Not necessarily as a way to make the main love interest jealous and feel she must protect the main character, nor for some kinky reason surrounding her character, but because the trope is built off of real, ugly feelings that can and do happen. That love can and is considered truly beautiful in all its forms, especially those of queer people.

So I especially love it because it isn’t just limited to Himiko, but Izuku as well. He may never hurt the ones he loves, but he would hurt for them.

A perfect narrative foil on queer and deviant forms of love. Big fan Horikoshi.

[celestialtarot11]

Astrology Observations 🧎‍♂️‼️

Hi friends! Today we’re just doing a general post for the astrological signs 🤭✨ Please enjoy and share! Your feedback is always appreciated.

Earth sign energy is heavy and dark, not negative, but they are very connected to their roots, ancestors and past lives. They carry lots of baggage from the past to heal in this lifetime, and thus may feel they lived through many timelines and cycles. They can feel similarly to Scorpio that experienced tons of transformations.

Libra moons can be indecisive in relationships, not because they have a bad sign placement but because they care a lot about people’s feelings. Sometimes too much to their detriment. They’d rather keep the peace than to rock the boat, but that’s what causes tension. Libra moons just need more confidence and security in their choices, and focus on themselves 🧘

Cancer Venus from a young age experienced misunderstandings from the people around them. Cancer venus wants a close community and people who understand their emotions, but in an emotionally unavailable society they can feel neglected and lonely. Its why cancer venus develops walls to protect their heart. They still care, but it takes them a long time to open up.

Virgos remember little details of everyone and hope they can do the same for them. They essentially give what they need and Virgos need attention and someone who creates quality time.

Gemini venus crave communication and mental stimulation in their connections. They love to learn and interact with people. Gemini Venus can also experience lots of isolation or periods of alone time because they aren’t finding the right people to connect to. They’d rather be alone than to have surface level interaction and filler conversations.

Leo + Aquarius pairing in a chart can indicate the native is truly unique and unforgettable. They strive so much to be themselves that it inspires others to do so. Some may even idolize the native, and others can get jealous because the native has qualities they wish they had. The native basically inspires others to get a personality 💅🏻

Mercury 8h can be so funny. We can get picky about what personal info to leave in the outside world. Even the idea of leaving behind our birthday info can irk us 😭 why? I think being in the spotlight or being perceived can be difficult for us.

Adding onto that, mercury 8h can channel spirits, occult knowledge, spirit guides, etc. when they tap in, they TAP in. They did not come to play 😍 All they need is a good meditation sesh and they’re good to go 🧘 all powered up.

Jupiter 8h can go through so many endings and terrible situations and still somehow come out stronger and better. They take their healing and growth seriously, and I think Jupiter 8h people have big hearts, so they always reconnect with that energy which is what carries them 😤

Cancer + Leo in a chart makes someone mystical, ethereal, private, yet somehow well known. There will always be an aspect to these natives to hide to protect themselves, and yet their Leo side will try to guide them out their comfort zone.

Aries rising females always knew who they were since birth 🤭 they could’ve photographed a lot, dressed up a lot, and it’s iconic. Since birth they knew! Aries rising females can be human rights activists too, because they have strong opinions, perspectives and believe in empowerment. Aries rising females may also be into modeling, because since a young age they were surrounded by cameras and people who thought they were beautiful ❤️

Aquarius rising children always look upset in their pictures or they have that thousand mild yard stare 😭 help #me

Sagittarius rising children always had that mischievous look on their face in every picture, or they looked incredibly angry. They had no issue letting their true selves out 😤

Pisces women tend to move far from their home town or childhood home. Lots of them have dreams of living far away from their roots. I think its to discover who they are and rebuild themselves after going through a lot. They physically need to disconnect from toxic environments to heal.

Gemini sun women are like teachers in many ways. Especially when they’ve healed a lot. They can be a teacher to the siblings around them or people. Many turn out to be motivational speakers because they have so much wisdom to share.

Thank ya’ll so much for reading 💗☮️ feel free to like comment and reblog to support the blog 🧘✨ Have a great one!

Paid Readings ✨

[tallykale]

episode 19

as you can probably tell, i've thought a lot about what post-canon one would look like in my vision... i've said before that i have issues with straightforward fix-its, and i do genuinely love the tragic open-ended conclusion that the series has, but i... am not immune to playing with characters like dolls LOL

here's some writeups about where everyone is at mentally in these pictures. please please please PLEEEASE feel free to ask me more about this cuz i love talking about my beautiful mind palace

charlotte: somehow the most optimistic person in here, mostly out of necessity. when she died, she saw parker leading her out of a cave as her waiting room and was about to take his hand when airy respawned her, so she has a brief moment of bonding with bryce when he talks about the waiting room and seeing stella. with the knowledge that there is potentially a way to get out (bryce and liam being the proof) and the fear of rotting away again she is by far the most actively motivated to help liam figure out the computer. a lot of her days are spent talking to liam over the mic and writing out the code in the dirt so she can try to understand it. she still has to push against her natural misanthropy (and often shouts at liam or bryce for being fucking stupid and useless) but both working on the code and helping amelia give her something concrete to focus on outside herself. she wants to get home so she can make amends with her friends. charlotte is scared of dying! she's really genuinely horribly scared of dying and has awful vivid nightmares about rotting away. she often pushes amelia into talking about her life which causes some tension, but it's because she really hates seeing amelia lose herself like that - a metaphorical rotting away of the self.

subway seat & atom: not on the same level of pure existential depression as the batch 1 contestants, but they both feel the hopeless mood pretty harshly regardless. subway feels very lonely as the only hidden object still 'awake', and likes to carry whippy creamy around rather than just leave him sitting on the ground constantly. tray is too big and unwieldy for him to do that with, but he 'hangs out' with her anyway, talking to her and whippy creamy in the hopes that it'll get them to want to wake up again. atom doesn't talk much, but he still carries his piece of grass. he's definitely the person who's the least affected by the prospect of being stuck on the plane forever, since he… doesn't really perceive existence in the same way as everyone else? he's an atom. but his time in the competition definitely made him view everyone else as friends, and he feels even more powerless than usual in the face of this incomprehensibly difficult problem.

amelia: falls into total hopelessness when bryce rejoins, basically seeing it as the final sign that they're never going home. still calls everyone their competition names (she actually gets into a big fight with bryce about it lol). she gets really clingy and dependent on bryce when he first comes back but it crashes and burns pretty quickly when, during an argument, bryce tells her how much he wishes he could just go back and never have let liam in and forgot about everything… which really sucks for amelia to hear, given that she's part of that everything. after that, with bryce isolating himself, she's kind of reliant on charlotte to keep her going. she blames liam for airy dying and secretly kind of thinks he killed him but just isn't telling them… she also doesn't really believe there's any way of getting out and is just kind of waiting around to die of, like, old age i guess. after how long she's been here, amelia is convinced that she has nothing to even go back to and frequently forgets details about her life. regularly cries and hates being alone. the shift markings on the side of the water tub have changed from being a way to keep track of time and stay sane to a horrible reminder of how long they've been here and how much longer of an eternity they have before them.

bryce: hates himself and liam and airy and the plane and his entire stupid fucking life. bryce is really, really fucking pissed off at liam for losing the notes and letting texty die and every other mistake he's made, and isn't shy about telling him that. as well as being angry, he's also incredibly miserable, because he was finally starting to turn his life around (he quit drinking after the plane) and now it's all for nothing - and even worse, those 7 months he spent getting better were 7 months he did nothing to help the rest of them, especially amelia. he's horribly guilty about that, and that he didn't tell amelia about the fake votes before he was eliminated… but finds it easier to just let liam take the heat for that one at first. after he fights with amelia about it he becomes a bit of a hermit, hanging out by himself next to the plug, and never responds when liam tries to talk. contemplates suicide regularly but pretty much the only option is drowning himself, and the idea of that still scares him more than staying like this forever. would kill for a beer.

liam: tortured by horrible guilt every day over a million different things. these include getting bryce pulled back into this (plus delayed guilt over getting him for real killed), letting texty die and not saying anything about the charger, not telling amelia that everything was fake, knowing that charlotte is going to die if he doesn't get really smart really fast… he's frequently gripped by fits of rage where he almost smashes the computer and has to hobble around outside with the axe for a while to blow off steam. he has really bad nightmares and dissociative episodes, made worse by the isolation and spending hours in a dark cave. liam really wants to fix things with everyone but genuinely has no idea how to start that conversation. he assumes airy killed himself (and views it as an unforgiveably cowardly move) and directs a lot of resentment towards him. he has a lot of things he wants to say, especially to bryce, but the fact that he cant talk to anybody one on one makes things difficult. spends a lot of time just reading through the code, too afraid to actually make any changes in case everyone explodes, but talking it through with charlotte at least makes him feel like he's doing something. more than he would like to admit, liam catches himself staring at the plane as if it's a simulation or a livestream.

[mrsnancywheeler]

let me down easy // finnick odair x f. reader

based off this blurb

summary: finnick pushed himself away, isolated himself, and you're slipping through his fingers like sand.

masterlist

3.8k words

warnings: angst, a tiny bit of fluff at the end, a little smutty but also very brief, mental illness, insecurity, paranoia, allusions to cheating (no one is actually cheating), slightly mean!finnick, self destructive behavior on all sides, more insecurities, arguments, feeling isolated, slight blood and injury, female rage things, male masturbation, unedited, no use of y/n, brief mentions of vomiting, girls girls all around, annie cresta my beloved being a girl girl, people pleaser reader

��⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

Once every day had felt like it was full of sunlight, even if there were ups and downs you always had each other by the end of it. Now you weren't even sure if you had yourself, let alone Finnick. Worst of all you had no idea what you'd done wrong, at first you chalked it up to how he'd just returned from the Capitol. But usually his isolation was a day at the most before he'd succumb to your comfort. Instead it had been nearly a month of radio silence.

He stopped the way he'd pepper your face with kisses to wake you up and bring you to the kitchen where he'd have made breakfast, telling you mindless stories about his morning swim. Now if he did anything for you it felt robotic, out of necessity, there was no helping you with your hair, having fun picking out your outfits, he was barely around. Never would you have thought you could be such an outcast in your own home, your own relationship.

At first you'd thought you just weren't doing enough, that he needed some extra love to help him open up. Reluctantly you'd fully wake yourself up when you felt him rise for his swim, take up the position of making him breakfast instead. Busying yourself with his favorites until he returned and you put on your best smile when he did, hopeful it would be somewhat successful.

“Good morning!” You greeted and were met with a confused look, a nod. You'd always hated getting up this early yet here you were and he did nothing.

“I have to take a shower." He muttered and was up the stairs. It was a disappointing resolution, but then your hopes had still been high. So you kept making his favorites throughout the next few days, scattering gifts for him throughout the house, writing notes to hide where he might find them, desperate to show him how much you loved him.

“Where are you going?" Your voice startled him and he slowly turned his head towards you.

Finnick's voice was so dry, rigid, “Fishing."

“Oh, let me get my shoes on, I'll come with!" Bright smiles, you reminded yourself when it felt like wavering.

“I'd rather go alone."

“Right." It wanted to falter so bad, “How long are you gonna be gone? I could make you lunch to go or something."

“I'm okay."

You fidgeted with your fingers, “Yeah, okay, well, um, have fun." Then he was gone, without a kiss, even a hug goodbye. Come to think of it there hadn't been any at all for a while, not even in the morning which is something he'd always do. So after a few days failing with those attempts you'd convinced yourself of a different reason.

“Annie, be honest with me, do you think I'm pretty?" The two of you had been out in the garden of Victors Village and she seemed taken aback.

“Honey, of course you're pretty. You're beautiful, what brought this on?" She dropped what she was doing to look at you.

You darted around the specifics, “What about the way I dress, is it too frumpy?"

“No! There's nothing wrong with anything about you." Her voice was so soft and she felt like the only person you could talk to now that Finnick had pushed himself away from you. “What's going on?"

You felt yourself finally crying all the held back tears you'd hid for the moments alone, “What if he's found someone prettier and more exciting?” You sobbed out and Annie hugged you.

"Finnick worships the ground you walk on, he'd never do that.”

"He barely even talks to me anymore, Annie. It's like I don't exist.”

“He's just going through a rough patch, it's not your fault."

Regardless of what Annie said, you disagreed. He must have had someone else, but you couldn't confront him about it. No, if you did then it would become real and he'd leave you for them. There had to be someone else taking on his hardships and loving him the way he'd once let you. So you bought new makeup, new lingerie, new clothes, tried to feel more attractive, more desirable. Yet it didn't seem like he even noticed.

You'd waited for his return all day, he'd left so early you hadn't even seen him. You made dinner praying that he'd see the effort you made, and find you irresistible once again. Of course, this effort seemed to be in vain.

“Welcome home, Finn!" You greeted when he walked through the front door, pained by the sound of your own faux bubbly voice. You put a plate down in front of his usual seat.

“Thanks." He mumbled and you smiled cheerfully. Perhaps you'd been too solemn and he'd prefer someone who exuded more sunshine-like behavior. “How was your day?" His voice was sharp, curt, but it was a conversation nonetheless. Always better than nothing.

“It was good!" You lied through your teeth, there hadn't been a single moment where your brain hadn't been infested with the thought of him pushing you away, him with someone else. It was something you desiped, you preferred to be in the moment. When you had been confident in yours and Finnick's relationship you could immerse yourself in the company of others, enjoy menial tasks with humming and daydreams, but now the isolation haunted your mind. “Annie and I planted some new flowers and cut some that recently finished blooming. I finally changed our vases out." He didn't even glance around, just kept eating. Your Finnick had always made an effort to look around, praise you for anything you did, he took pride in you, now the only thing he took pride in was being able to avoid you.

He curtly nodded his head in response and you felt like you might snap. Especially as the silence persisted, nothing except the sounds of the house and his fork clinking on the plate. You chewed at your bottom lip, leg bouncing up and down waiting for the smallest bit of conversation, but nothing came. Eventually you shot out of your seat, grabbed your plate, which you were sure you wouldn't be able to stomach, and began cleaning up dinner. Hands gripping each dish so hard as if to contain all the rage you'd been repressing.

“I can clean up." Finnick murmured as he rose.

Being lazy was another thing you thought could be a reason. He did so much for you and whatever you had to offer must not have been enough. Yes, he'd always insisted that you should just be his pretty girl that he could look at when he did the tasks, but in secret he must have just wanted you to resist and do more. So you vehemently shook your head, “No, I've got it!" Your voice was strained and several pitches too high to sound natural.

“It's fine, I can do it.” How dare he have the gall to sound annoyed with you.

“I've got it Finnick, just go to bed!" Or whatever the fuck else is he does to be away from you. You regretted how snappy you were, he wanted someone easy going, not how uptight you were being. But god, hate that man for how he looked like a wounded puppy dog. “Sorry." You muttered, only partially genuine. Harshly grabbing a glass to clean, hands gripping around it, so harshly it seemed that when you went to put it to dry, it shattered in your hand. Your reaction was delayed as you stood there in disbelief, you hated your life, “Fuck.”

Then his hand was on your back and you involuntarily jerked at the contact you hadn't felt for so long. “You're bleeding." How the hell was his voice still so stony, a mystery you'd never know the answer too. It sent tingles up your spine the way his hand was on your back, you missed his touch. He led you to the bathroom where he carefully tended to the cuts in your hand. Carefully taking out the pieces of glass and although you occasionally winced, it was like your brain couldn't comprehend the pain over the buzzing about his hand touching yours. But once he bandaged it up the touch was gone and so was he with a, “I'll clean up."

Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him. But you hated being angry with him when he was probably going through something, he'd struggled so much and just needed help. Was it really excusable though when it was tearing you apart to be in all of this. You got up and without a second thought walked straight out the front door. Feet guiding you to the comfort of the beach. Of course it invoked memories of all the better times spent with Finnick, but out here at least you had the ocean. It has started to rain and you didn't care. Walking out into the sea, as far as you could touch, and letting the freedom of the waves surround you. And you screamed, at the sky, at the waters, into the night. Trying so desperately to let go of the aggression, so you could keep trying. Inhaling the salt air before you walked back inside, you could do this. Every relationship had trials and tribulations, but you could be stronger, stick together.

As you were walking back, Finnick was jogging towards you, “Are you okay?" There was actual emotion in his voice, you longed to be privileged to it more often.

“Yeah."

“I thought I… " He trailed off, hand running through his hair. The way he looked like he might cry sparked guilt in you, but also a sick pleasure that he actually cared. “You're gonna get sick." Just as quickly his tone returned to being straight-laced.

You didn't care, if you were sick maybe he would take care of you. So you walked inside and he said nothing. You showered and changed, you'd gotten a new nightgown that left little to the imagination. Maybe you could get a rise out of him, get him to touch you more. But he seemed to be fast asleep by the time you left the bathroom, so you slipped into bed beside him. In the past he'd always sleep with his arms around you, but now you slept beside each other rather than with one another. It left you cold, despite the blankets, which were barely there as he'd always been a blanket hog, which you used to tease him for, but was fine because you were attached to him. Now you laid there and felt yourself crying. You cursed yourself for it, not right now, but you couldn't stop. So you covered your mouth with a hand as you sobbed into it.

The next morning you felt him wake, but there was no energy to make breakfast. You were exhausted and it hadn't made him love you again anyways. So you drifted back off until the sound of floorboards creaking when he returned woke you up. You sat up in bed as he entered the bedroom. “Morning, Finn." The smile you worked hard to maintain was back.

“Morning." He mumbled and then his eyes faltered on you. That's when you remembered the nightgown, it was a relief for something to keep his eyes on you. ‘Love me, even if it's just for my body, love me in some way.’ Your brain begged to no avail. “Shower." He slowly said even though he'd very obviously grown hard.

You felt humiliated, completely embarrassed to be dressed the way you were and him to still not want you. It made you want to cry again, but you had to persist. Rising to get dressed until you heard your name. It took you a second to process that he was moaning it, you were right there and he was getting himself off to the thought of you when he could've just had the actual you. That had to be a new type of low. You hadn't even dared to touch yourself no matter how badly you wanted him because you knew nothing you did could match the things he'd made you feel. Yet here he was, so easily jerking off. There was nothing you could do except seethe as you got ready for your day. At least it was your name and not some other girls.

You were in the kitchen when he walked downstairs, “Going to the market." He announced and you got up from your chair.

“I'm coming too." It wasn't a question.

"No, it's okay. I've just got a couple things to grab.”

"So do I, so I'll just come along to grab them. You don't even have to stick by me, I'm just going.” You were exasperated. Honestly you hadn't left the confines of Victors Village for a while, besides when you tried to recall your look, and this would be a good opportunity to see if he was being honest. There was nothing you really had to get, but at least you'd somewhat had his company.

He said nothing but waited as you put on your sandals and then the two of you set off. The silence was deafening as you two walked, your Finnick would always hold your hand, would've taken you from booth to booth and ramble on endlessly, buy anything you glanced at with interest, but now he stood too far away for your hands to even brush by each other. The bustling of the market was a relief and for the first time in a long time you naturally smiled. Although it was jarring how quickly Finnick put on a smile, made conversation with all these people when he hadn't blessed you with the same thing. In fact, it instantly dampened your mood.

“Haven't seen you in so long, missed seeing that pretty smile!" All your favorite vendors gushed and you'd smile, make small talk. Even if everything made you think of Finnick. When was the last time he'd called you pretty? When was the last time he kissed you?

“You look a little sad, are you alright?" And you'd insist you were just feeling a little under the weather. You'd somewhat kept your distance from Finnick until you saw him laughing with a girl in the market. When was the last time he'd laughed with you? Is this what he did, found pretty girls in the market, charmed them, and went back home with them?

You'd slowly approached and showed fake interest in one of her necklaces. “They're real pearls." She said. She was so pretty, stunning. What did she have that you didn't? You hummed, smiling and without a word, Finnick was handing you money.

‘I don't want your money, I want you to pay attention to me.’ You thought and shook your head, “I don't need your money, Finn." The only thing you'd want from him was something he'd pick out because he wanted to give it to you, something he'd always done if you hadn't been there with him. Showing up at home with little treasures to show off to you. He looked at you quizzically, it wasn't like you had any money of your own on you.

“Is this your girlfriend?" The woman asked, her voice was sweet like sugar, you were too gruff, that's what you were missing.

Right now though, your voice was breathy, anxious. “Yeah." The woman must have been able to sense something off because she looked at you with pity. Finnick left the money on the counter by you regardless of what you said and walked off. You sighed.

“I'm sorry, I didn't know."

You gave a sad smile, “It's okay, not your fault." You picked the money up, ready to go find him.

“He's just a guy, even if he's Finnick Odair, don't let him dim your spark." It should've been encouraging, except you knew you loved him too much to ever leave him.

You found him, chatting and smiling as he bought produce. You missed his smile. “Here." You said quietly, handing him his money.

“Where's the necklace?"

“Didn't need it." You didn't care about needing it, you care that he would rather have you buy things for yourself then make you feel valued.

He huffed, like you were frustrating him, annoying him. “Okay, use it to find something else then. You said you weren't going to stick around me." You couldn't stop yourself from physically recoiling from his venom.

“I just came to tell you I was going home." You said weakly, staring at the ground. “Have fun." Your voice cracked slightly and you didn't even bother looking up as you walked home. Immediately settling yourself into bed where you refused to move. Eventually he came home, something clicked onto the dresser table, the sun went down and you stayed put. When he crawled into bed the most movement you made was flipping onto your side to have the protection of your back facing him.

For days it was a cycle of laying in bed, only rising once he left, usually to stand under the burning hot water in the shower until your skin felt raw. Then immediately returning back to bed. He'd return, put something on the dresser, and you'd stay still. Eventually one night he'd come home and sat at your feet, mattress dipping. “We need to talk."

Your hands clamped over your ears, this was it, he was done with you, all that effort for nothing. The anxiety knotted in your stomach, “I'm gonna be sick." You forced yourself up and found yourself throwing up in the toilet, Finnick holding your hair back.

“Hey, it's okay. It's okay, sweet girl." When you were done you said nothing as you brushed your teeth, praying he would leave and forget whatever bad news he was surely bearing. But he didn't, he waited and sat on the bed, waiting for you. Who exited, arms crossed, trying not to cry.

“Please don't break up with me." It was pathetic to beg for but he stood up, looking bewildered.

“No, no, no, I'm not gonna break up with you, sweet girl. I wouldn't even think of it." His hands cradled your face and you melted into them.

Finally you let the tears fall, "Then what are we talking about?”

"I've been so terrible to you, a terrible partner, a terrible person. I…” He took a deep breath in, "I had a rough time in the Capitol, I always do, especially last time though. And I knew you would be able to tell and try to help, but it was easier for me to just block you out so I didn't have to deal with it. Because it hurts to think about." He was crying and it made your heart ache. "And I took you for granted. I didn't try to be there for you, I was selfish and I can't make up for it enough. I will spend the rest of my life making up for it.”

You were both sobbing and he pressed his forehead to yours. His hands were so warm, his touch was so perfect. "I want to help you.”

"I know.” He pulled his forehead away, putting his hands on your shoulders. "I need you to tell me how you felt. Not the sweet way you usually explain things, be honest, so honest.

You shook your head, “No, it's okay. It was just miscommunication."

“No, I think I nearly broke you and everybody else noticed before I did. I need to know your raw feelings, so I can attempt to make it up to you.” He let go of your shoulders and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I thought you were cheating on me.” You said quietly, anxiously playing with your fingers. He already looked hurt, "Like you found someone else because I wasn't, I don't know, fun enough, pretty enough, hardworking enough. And you didn't want me to do anything with you ever or notice anything I did for you." You took a deep breath, you could feel yourself getting angrily worked up and he could tell.

“If you're angry, be angry." He said and you obeyed.

“And I bought new clothes for you, changed my makeup routine, smiled more, made all your favorites, woke up earlier, tried to take on burdens and you said nothing. Do you know how lonely I was? How bad that made me feel about myself? One day you weren't letting me lift a finger, telling me you loved me, now pretty I was, and the next I thought I'd never hear any of that again, let alone have you touch me. No kisses, or hugs, you didn't even hold me when we slept! And you were so closed off and sometimes mean on top of that and all I wanted was your attention. Until finally I gave up because at least even if you weren't really with me, I still had you, and I didn't want you to leave me just because I found out there was someone else, which is so fucked. And then I thought, maybe at the very least, he’ll have me for my body, I had new lingerie, I tried and you didn't give a fuck. No, you got yourself off in the goddamn bathroom and I was right here!” Your voice had risen and your inhales were sharp between the ranting, "And everytime I hated what you were doing to me, I'd feel bad because what you've been through is so much worse and I should still try to be there for you. So I tried and then you'd be annoyed with me and it was like torture. And I swear to god, if you ever do that again, I'll leave.” A weight lifted off of your chest and he hugged you.

“I'm so sorry, I won't ever do it again, I love you so much, you're so pretty and kind and I need you in my life." You held onto him like he would slip away, kissing away your tears that were falling even though he was also crying. He held you until the sobbing had mostly subsided, “You know I bought you all these stupid gifts when you were laying there, thinking it would make you feel better, but I don't even think you noticed." He chuckled and you turned your head, not wanting to tear away from him. All you could see was the necklace from where you were standing. “Not that it would've done anything after all the time I spent letting the castle crumble around us.

"Thank you.” It was muttered and then he tried to pull out of the hug which made you whine. Trying to cling on forever.

His hand tilted your chin towards him, “You wanna put one of those sets on that you got for me so I can show you how pretty you are and how sorry I am for neglecting my sweet girl?"

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

sorry y'all angst is my default settings. thank you for reading, comments, likes, reblogs, feedbacks is all super appreciated. asks and requests are open, love you all, sorry again 💋

taglist: @wowzabowza69

[xielianlover2]

I want to talk about unconditional forgiveness and how crucial it is for Xie Lian to have someone who offers it to him with no strings attached.

Throughout Xie Lian's life, he experiences numerous falls from grace, each one more devastating than the last. He goes from being a beloved crown prince and a renowned god to a figure of scorn and bad luck. The weight of his past and the suffering he has endured often make him question his own worthiness and ability to protect others.

Which is why, for Xie Lian, Hua Cheng's forgiveness is a lifeline. Knowing that there is someone who believes in him, no matter what, allows Xie Lian to forgive himself and move forward. In a world where divine beings are often portrayed as infallible, we see by the end, that pretty much every god has their own flaws and that even those with immense power are not immune to making grievous errors in judgment.

I think Hua Cheng’s forgiveness also symbolizes a deeper, transformative love. It’s a love that goes beyond mere acceptance; it’s a commitment, a promise, a vow to stand by Xie Lian no matter what, and that's what makes his love so rare and beautiful. It's such a stark contrast to the judgment Xie Lian has faced from his people and other gods. While his own friends basically turned their backs on him, Hua Cheng remained his most loyal and devoted believer. His cheerleader, for a lack of better words. Hua Cheng embodies the truest form of compassion– understanding and embracing someone wholly.

Hua Cheng's love and acceptance allow Xie Lian to feel seen and understood in a way that no one else has ever provided. This kind of forgiveness is not about overlooking mistakes or pretending they didn't happen; rather, it's about recognizing the entirety of a person's journey and choosing to embrace them regardless.

Hua Cheng's acceptance allows Xie Lian to be vulnerable about his deepest fears and struggles. It also gives him the ability to ask for something he needs for himself:

"All right... don't say any more. I get it... but... but don't be like this, all right? San Lang? I... I've borrowed so much spiritual power from you that I haven't repaid. And I'm not done telling you all the things that I wanted to say; there's still so much. It's been so long since anyone listened to me talk. Won't you stay? Don't.. don't do this. I won't be able to take it. Twice, it's happened twice already-I really don't want there to be a third time!"

In this moment, Xie Lian’s plea reveals how extremely isolating his life has been. He has been perpetually misunderstood, and I believe that even before his first ascension, he has always felt profoundly alone. Throughout his life, Xie Lian has been surrounded by people who either see him through the lens of his past or view him as a mere symbol; a divine god, so therefore flawless and someone beyond approach. It strips away his humanity and the complexities of his true self, unable to be seen as a person with real feelings and imperfections. Even his Feng Xin and Mu Qing put him up in a pedestal, and no matter what happened, no matter how understandable it was, everyone still left him in the end.

Then, to have someone say they understand his everything, from his wisdom to his foolishness, and then also wholeheartedly support him and unconditionally love him? That they never, ever left him, that they've always been there, constant and unchanging in their love, in their devotion? That must have felt life-changing to him. Something groundbreaking and pivotal.

He is essentially begging for the one person who understands him completely—and who accepts him unconditionally despite everything—not to leave him. When Xie Lian begs Hua Cheng to stay, it is not just a request for physical presence but a desperate need for emotional reassurance and acceptance. For Hua Cheng is Xie Lian's safe haven where he can express his deepest fears and unspoken desires, a place of solace and affirmation that he has long been missing from everyone else.

[literatureloverx]

Just use this blog! I would love to get your thoughts in Chuuya since you do such an amazing job with Fyodor. Would be awesome to know your ideal types for the other bsd guys (..well chuuya mainly)

Such a cutie patootie request 🥹 I love it, and I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while now!

I’m a bit nervous about writing a character who isn’t Fyodor, but I really hope I can meet your expectations. ❤️ I would hate to disappoint. 🥺

Just a heads-up: I’m also planning to write about Dazai’s, Nikolai’s, and maybe even Akutagawa’s ideal types at some point. ❤️

Chuuya x fem!reader, Chuuya x ideal type!reader.🧡

Chuuya’s ideal type

In my character analysis post for Fyodor, I mentioned that Fyodor is not a "darling-neutral" character, which suggests that he has a very clear and non-negotiable ideal type.

However, this is certainly not the case with our beloved Chuuya.

Chuuya is genuinely "darling-neutral," but I’d like to depict an ideal type nonetheless, as I believe he has some aspects he would greatly admire in a woman.

Although I can’t recall where I read it, it was mentioned somewhere that Chuuya appreciates elegant people with a good sense of fashion.

When I think of such a person, I immediately picture an elegant woman who knows how to carry herself effectively and gracefully.

A good sense of fashion often indicates high self-esteem and self-worth.

This leads me to believe that Chuuya’s ideal type would definitely be someone confident.

It’s important to clarify that confidence doesn’t mean being loud or mean.

Imagine someone who is elegant, feminine (but not hyper-feminine), and confident.

This person would not be gracefully meek or silent but would act, look, behave, and move with class and confidence.

Given Chuuya’s own pride in his male strength, his keen sense of fashion, and his confidence brimming with pride, I believe he would fall for such a person almost immediately.

However, his ideal partner should not challenge him in a way that disrupts his sense of harmony.

This is precisely why he says he hates Dazai; it’s not that he hates Dazai himself, but rather the constant challenges Dazai presents that unsettle him.

Chuuya is a proud man in every possible way, and he wouldn’t easily tolerate disrespect or undue challenge.

In terms of physical appearance, I don’t think that attributes like hair or skin color, height (even though he is 5'3"/160 cm), or weight would be of significant importance to him.

However, I don’t believe he would be attracted to someone who is obese. Don’t get me wrong—he is strong enough to carry someone regardless of their weight, but it’s simply not his vibe.

“If a person’s body is prominent, it should be due to athleticism.”—Chuuya, probably.

Still, I don’t see him caring much about your fitness level either.

When I said he is "darling-neutral," I genuinely meant it.

I believe that Chuuya could easily fall in love with a shy, more masculine, sincere, or careful partner.

He has a beautiful and deeply humane heart, which allows him to see the best in his partner, no matter their characteristics.

However, this is not in a naive way—he would guide his partner to the right path if he sensed something might be off.

On the emotional side, Chuuya loves challenges, but his life is already filled with them. He might seek rest in his partner’s arms rather than being constantly challenged.

He would likely get bored with someone who is only loving but not truly engaging, as he is not a passive person himself.

Chuuya is active in whatever he does.

Chuuya is active in everything he does, so he needs a partner who can at least keep up with his lifestyle.

As a feared man and a valuable part of the Port Mafia—an executive, no less—his position should not intimidate his partner.

This is why I believe he wouldn’t keep his situation a secret.

He wants a true partner, someone loyal to him who also has a life of her own with meaningful activities, so she doesn’t feel alone or isolated when he’s not around.

His ideal partner should be independent and capable of taking care of herself, but also willing to let him take care of her—not because she needs it, but because she wants it.

This is how Chuuya expresses his love, through grand gestures and physical affection.

His partner should accept this wholeheartedly.

Loyalty is one of the most important aspects of Chuuya's relationship with his partner. He is loyal until the end of time, and he expects the same in return.

Then there’s his expensive wine collection—he’s not a heavy drinker, but he enjoys a good glass of wine now and then, especially when celebrating or unwinding after a long day.

He would expect his partner to share these peaceful moments with him. His vulnerable state when he drinks and relaxes gives him a sense of domestic warmth.

I’m not sure if this is a common interpretation of Chuuya’s character, but I see him as a somewhat possessive lover—perhaps not possessive in the typical sense, but definitely territorial.

Sexually, he may be very possessive, but in other aspects, he’s more about asserting his territory.

Because he won’t take it lightly if someone flirts with you or eyes you, you’ll need to be someone who can maintain a certain distance from others when necessary.

This is why I envisioned an ideal type for Chuuya who is classy, carrying herself with elegance and confidence, rather than someone who is chatty or bubbly.

Chuuya is territorial, and while you’re free to do as you please—go shopping with friends (he would even give you his black card), meet them anywhere, or engage in any activities you like—he barely has time for himself.

So, when he does have time for the two of you, he would expect you to set everything else aside to spend that time together.

That is why he needs someone who is ready to make sacrifices when needed.

Edit: I practically forgot to mention any real sexual content about his potential darling, so here they are:

I don’t think he would care whether his partner is a virgin or not, but if you are, he’d be very proud to be your first and would strive to make your first experience as beautiful and sensually unforgettable as possible.

However, I can’t see him being attracted to someone who is "too open" with sexual encounters, like someone who sleeps around.

This simply doesn’t align with the image of a woman who carries herself with confidence and grace.

[shinjiikar1]

I've been trying to think about what I want to say about these first two episodes of Love in the Big City. I'm watching it slowly, it's a show that makes me want to sit rather than rush ahead, and it also hits a little too close to home to enjoy freely (I've only watched the first two episodes so far and my knowledge of the rest of the story is fairly vague so bear with me).

Go Young experiences two major losses. The parallels between these losses, what could have been vs. what can never be again was what particularly stood out to me.

Mi Ae represents a beautiful time that is forever lost. After she gets married, there's no one he can be fully himself with. He simply doesn't have another relationship on that level, platonic or otherwise, and that's truly such an isolating experience. Who do you call when you're in trouble? Who do you complain to? Who will always be your first port of call?

Often, youthful friendships are particularly intense, you're at a point where the world feels so enormous but you don't quite know what to do with it, or yourself yet. Everything still feels new and exciting. You meet people who understand you in ways you've never been understood and can't imagine it won't last forever.

And then you experience that loss for the first time.

Kim Nam Gyu experiences it too. It's clear early in their relationship that Go Young is overwhelmed and uncomfortable with the intensity of Nam Gyu's feelings (his expressions during the padlock and ring scenes in particular). He feels suffocated and anxious, he's not ready for it. So, rather harshly (at least the first time) he ends things. I've been on both ends, which makes it a lot easier to empathize with both of them. While I feel for Nam Gyu incredibly (especially as I read him as very neurodivergent), that discomfort is not something easily resolved, and it's only made worse by his inability to move on. But how can he when he also has no one else?

In the end, Go Young mentions that he missed out on what could have been a long and lasting love with Nam Gyu but I wonder if that's true. Would he have eventually opened up and reciprocated that intensity? Or would he have continued to wallow in his discomfort and let that resentment pile up even further? It's hard to say, but based on the way he behaves, I think the latter. He just wasn't in a stage of life to accept it yet, without the experiences he has with Mi Ae, and without Nam Gyu's death, would he have made it to that point before it became too much? He says he didn't really believe love was possible for someone like him, it took him a lot to get to the point where he even starts to believe it; I find it hard to imagine that he could've gotten there purely through a relationship with Nam Gyu at that stage, as sad as that might be.

Mi Ae offers a bit of an interesting foil here. She chooses loss, but the loss of her authentic self. She chooses the safe option, a stable relationship and job, pleasing her parents, following societal expectations. Maybe the guy isn't quite right, but in the end what seems most important to her is that security, and she's willing to take a loss to get it. As others in the tags have pointed out, Go Young doesn't have that option. There is no option that will (mostly) guarantee him security and safety that would even be remotely tolerable and grant him any degree of happiness. Perhaps he could have chosen to lose parts of himself to be with Nam Gyu, but that wouldn't have provided him the type of security Mi Ae enjoys. If something went wrong and it didn't work out, he could stand to lose even more.

I think that's something that a lot of cishet people fail to understand, and part of what these episodes have done so well for me. Really underlining how the queer experience differs and how isolating it can be (which I think is reflected in Nam Gyu as well).

[icantdothistodaybruh]

oh, are you familiar with the BoM side story? where arthur dreams of different characters in different fairy tales? i’ve become so! obsessed! with the snow queen versions of sebaciel. ciels outfit is so pretty on him!! but i love a ciel that left everything behind to stay with sebastian.. and sebastian, he’s been so lonely for so long that when he gets a pretty boy he can’t let him go. when someone tries to save him they not only get a “no” but get forcefully snow-blasted right out the door. they understand each other because no one sees the beauty in desolation like they do… so of course they stay isolated in a castle together.

there’s the panel where sebastian’s wrapping his coat around ciels whole body… sebastian acting so smugly to ciels rescuers… the line where ciel says he belongs to the devil… i could live here forever… please consider this cold angle of sebaciel

I AM! AND IT'S ONE OF MY FAVE EXTRAS OUT THERE!!

The implication that the whole dream was of Sebastian's doing (which he is very capable of judging by GWA) brings out such an interesting twist to it - we can see a glimpse of Sebastian's actual opinion on other characters! But I'm of course going to talk a little about Ciel solely for today hehe

I might be wrong since I only have ru and eng translation at hand, but the way Ciel talks about his heart being frozen and eye belonging to the devil makes me think of these acts as essentially same thing, especially given that he "adapted beautifully to the world of Ice" by Sebastian's words. I mean that his heart being frozen doesn't equal to death or inability to feel, but rather just that, adaptation and belonging.

Now I know it sounded far-fetched, but the reason It caught my attention in the first place was the mentioning of the heart at all. It's a dream made by Sebastian, the 'emotionless' and 'unfeeling' demon, with clear analogy to the contract built on power, revenge, and hunger for one's soul, or at least that is how it always was portrayed before. So why would his made up dream-Ciel suddenly bring a heart into equation?

You should've seen my face when I got to the chapter were Elizabeth escapes to rCiel. Call me delulu but it suddenly made so much sense when Sebastian started talking how "human hearts are mysterious, complex things" and "no matter if you are demon or god it is truly and utterly impossible to shackle another's heart." Before that I wouldn't even think he'd have any opinion on the matters of the heart, let alone it be a stated fact to him that he can't have it in a way he can own souls or bodies.

And so that man, in his made up dream, with a made up Ciel, made that Ciel say that not only his soul (eye) belongs to the devil, but heart too. Knowing for a fact it can't belong to him in reality. I'm speechless.

Also when I got your ask yesterday I thought I should make a fanart or a redraw of that scene, and once again, you should've seen my face when I found the page:

and if you don't know why I was so surprised I'll gladly explain with two more pics:

My head exploded.

Three pieces. Representing their change of masks and roles. Yet each is the same in it's core. And one of them is character's fantasy while other two his reality. I'm so done with this show.

...could it be that Arthur's dream made by Sebastian is yet another lie becoming truth?...

[vivmaek]

Can you pleeeaseeeee make a post on solar return chart observations?

SOLAR RETURN OBSERVATIONS

These observations are based on my own experiences.

Neptune in the 10th House - Feelings of confusion arise in regards to the general direction your life is taking. It is hard to set goals and stick to them. For me, the future seemed so undefined that it became stressful. Idealism is getting in the way of setting up proper plans. It is best to just sit back and watch things unfold during this time. 

North Node in the 12th House - I found myself isolated. My spiritual understanding grew immensely. I turned to meditation and nature walks. I became comfortable with being alone. 

Pluto in the 8th House - All the dark and hidden aspects about yourself are going through massive changes. You redefine your understandings on sex, intimacy and trauma. This is a painful process that is usually started through loss and rejection.

Chiron Trine Pluto - This is the start of a healing journey. It seemed like every day I was reminded of the trauma I’ve experienced. I couldn’t escape the pain I had been running from for so long. I had to face these wounds in order to heal them properly. 

Capricorn Ascendent - You might go through this year feeling as if you are constantly being punished. I spent more time at work than anywhere else. 

Venus Square North Node - Massive breakups and heartbreak. People who no longer serve you will be cut off, even if you don’t want that. 

Mars in the 11th House - Tensions begin to rise amongst friends. Expect arguments or even the feeling of competition. 

Mercury Square Saturn - I didn’t know how to use my voice. I found myself saying “I don't know how to talk to people anymore.” Under this influence I was silent. I felt like I had nothing to say or offer. Every social interaction seemed so awkward and I felt terribly misunderstood. 

Saturn in the 7th House - If you ask someone out, you might get rejected. Either way, there are some tough lessons to be learned in regards to relationships. 

Moon in the 4th House - This is all about finding your home. If Mercury is also in the fourth, it calls for a significant move or change in residence. 

Mars in the 12th House - Seriously watch out for hidden enemies! There are people who are secretly angry with you. 

Venus in the 1st House - This influence is so much fun! This was the first time in my life in which I could look in the mirror and call myself beautiful. My confidence skyrocketed, I started to wear all the things I had always wanted to wear. My style became defined and I was literally playing dress up every day. I engaged in a lot of social activities during that year, and ate a lot of great food! A significant partnership also began during that year, and I fell in love for the first time. 

Mars in the 4th House - Feeling argumentative and restless around the family and home. 

North Node Trine Neptune - Divine intervention, stepping into what's aligned for you. I felt like I had found my mission. 

Mercury in the 3rd House - During this time, I would recommend taking up walking rather than driving everywhere. Suddenly the neighborhood you live in is going to become the most interesting thing, there is a lot to discover within the surrounding area. 

[yourstrqly]

. ⋆⠀ MISS GRUMPY AND HER SUNSHINE

alex can be a pain in the ass, but he is your pain in the ass — or in which i showcase the grumpy x sunshine trope cause i'm a sucker for it (and alex)

none, female reader (use of girlfriend), just making out in the end

masterlist . part two

days in the office, a small not very well isolated room you shared with another colleague of the social marketing, tended to be very long and seemingly never reaching an end but today, today was otherworldly, as you glanced at the small display of the time at the corner of your laptop. the numbers didn't change fast enough. if they even did.

your work had been done an hour or so ago but you weren't allowed to leave as it was still working hours, and maybe, just maybe someone would turn up to let you know there was a video of the crew or the drivers to edit. so you sat there, chair becoming uncomfortable under your ass while you stared into space because you were the only one in department in today, no one there to chat with.

truly heartbreaking, you'd much rather go back to the hotel to sleep for awhile.

as you watched the two turn into a three, silently hummung a song you've heard this morning, the thin grey office door opened, causing you to peep up — the other side revealed a dishevelled looking alex, a bright toothy grin on his lips and excitement glinting in his brown doe eyes. you let out an overdramatic sigh, repositioning yourself on the chair.

"yes, alex, what brings you to the enemy?", you questioned him, face morphed into a bored facade whilst you clasped fingers around the pen you had currently played with.

alas alex wasn't one to shy away from your defensive side, strolling right besides you to plant himself on your desk. "what, can't a man see his beautiful girlfriend?", hands enclosed your much smaller ones. "is it a crime, i wasn't aware of, darling?"

pinching your eyebrows you tabed the pen against his leg. "you can but not while i'm working — as you should too, mind you!" You're painfully aware of the free display, a picture with him and you on the yearly Vietnam holiday staring right back at you, and the no work vibe you had going on — things he'd surly point out.

"m sorry, you seem very busy . . should i come back later after you burned a hole in the screen?", he joked, wearing that stupid grin your mouth instantly wanted to mirror.

little teasing shit, man whom you layed your heart strings openly.

"whatever. . you here to see me for what? in a few hours we're back in bed."

gently his knuckles caressed your cheeks, before his hands land on either other, leaning in to steal a kiss from your lips. his lips were a tad bit tried, probably from being outside most of the day in the heat, but they fit yours and your lips parted to welcome his tongue, while your hands tugged on the hair of his nape.

you broke apart, enjoying the soft gasp that left your throat and the cheeky smirk of his. "i know, just missed you and took a break to see you", he shared. "i also want a coffee, it tastes way better here."

shaking your head, you moved away from his body to prepare him said coffee, caring on the hummung of the song earlier and alex joins in, voice small yet strong enough to make sense out of the words. unconstitutionally, a tiny smile graced your lips, one alex could clearly see.

"bunny, what's got you smiling like that, hm? my singing?", the william's driver teased, crossing the room to stand behind you. he shakes his lean slightly bulky arms around you, pressing a kiss on top of your haircrown.

"ow shut up, al, or you can go back to your shitbox", you grumbled, but your body speaks a different language as you lean into him, sniffing his vanilla and spices perfume, a scent that calmed your nerves and bought good memories.

"but you wouldn't, bunny", he giggled. "you love me so much", the man sung in-between butterfly kisses, "so so much."

turning around in his embrace, you pouted. "should've ignored you back in 'nineteen, would've been a much less busy life f'me." "i was way too cute to ignore, just say you love me."

"whatever", you release a breath.

expectantly, your lover stared down on you.

"okay, fine, i love you", you hushed, neck burning from the outspoken confession. "happy now?"

"oh bunny, with you i'm always happy but hearing those three magical words make me swoon", he pressed the back of his left hand against his forehead, signing dramatically. "now gimme kisses, my grumpy bunny."

the coffee sat long forgotten on the sideboard as alex took your breath away with feverish kisses and wandering hands, caressing down your back to your ass, squeezing it lightly.

[ and then the atmosphere broke. "—ow not again guys", a wide eyed charles stood in the door, causing the pair of you to spring apart. "just two races in the season and i'm already sick of you." ]

wanna be tagged in my works? comment below :)

🗝 . . . tag list — currently empty

rina speaks • ₊° ✧︡ ˗ ˏ ˋ . . [ 🪐 ] ahhh alex albon, the loml, my baby. missed writing for him and i'm actually desperate for other people's writing. we need more aa23 writers!! please let me know if you have more grumpy reader x sunshine alex ideas

[ultra-violet-heart]

Fanfare for Frieren (a fan translation)

This is the English fan translation of Fanfare for Frieren (奏送), the accompanying short novella for the opening theme of the Frieren anime, Yuusha by Yoasobi, written by Jirou Kiso with the supervision of manga writer Kanehito Yamada. The images here are from its print/digital version, which has been a bonus from the special edition of Frieren: Beyond Journey's End Volume 12.

Disclaimer: This translation is made by me for fandom purposes only. This unofficial translation is not affiliated with the official Frieren franchise or with Yoasobi. All rights reserved for Frieren: Beyond Journey's End to its respective committees, committee members, staff and rights holders.

Please ask my permission and credit me+this post if you will be re-translating this to other languages. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST THIS OR ITS IMAGES TO OTHER SITES. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE ESPECIALLY ON YOUTUBE AND TIKTOK. Please take the fan translations here with a grain of salt. 

I'm posting my Ko-Fi here as currently, I've been having financial trouble regarding my medicine, so if anyone can donate, I would be much grateful for the help, thank you very much.

1.

Five years after the death of Himmel the Hero.

Central Lands, the Capelle [1] Region.

A small city, commonly referred to as “Music City”, was located not far off west of the Royal Capital.

Many renowned musicians, who had established the foundation of court music, went there to study, and they each created orchestras there which continue up to this day. Day and night, orchestral and operatic performances kept theatres crowded, and these performances were well-known in the Central Lands.

The hymns that could be heard from the church also evoked such amicable ties between culture and religion. The singing voices and the performance, both tranquil and powerful, were pleasing to the ears.

There’s unexpected magic in places like this, huh, Frieren thought while walking through the streets with light steps.

She couldn’t visit this place during her journey to defeat the Demon King, but she thought it would have been nice to have taken a detour on the beginning. The journey started from the Royal Capital to the east, she recalled with a little regret.

To that extent, the city was much of a beautiful and isolated place.

The cobblestone pavements reminded one of a flowing music score, while the radial houses reminded one of a well-organized orchestra. The entire city had this atmosphere of welcoming people, so that there was music there for people to listen to.

There might be a wealth of music-related magic in this place. She wasn’t particularly knowledgeable when it comes to music, but folk magic rooted in a distinctive culture was worth collecting for that reason alone.

Following the signboards that were shaped like sheet music and musical instruments, Frieren continued walking.

Just near were an opera house and a museum adjacent to it, and the sound of some rhythm coming from somewhere.

Various sounds overlapped the whole city, however, strangely enough, there was no cacophony at all.

Suddenly, among those sounds, one of the most awkward sounds caught her ear. The timbre sounded like it was carefully walking on ice.

Apparently, a small marching band was passing by in front of the church located in the city’s center. The boys and the girls were preparing for their practice that day, carrying brass instruments too big for their stature and with more percussion instruments than their hands could handle.

A boy wearing a red feathered military hat―or rather, was made to wear one―had this desperate expression as he continued blowing his horn, unconcerned about his reddening face.

Even though from a very young age, all this city’s people had been living together with music.

The sound the boy made while carefully holding the horn, which was said to be the most difficult instrument in the world for humans to play, was not the clearest at all.

However, sometime in the future, that sound will reverberate gallantly and kindly.

Frieren felt it was a timbre suitable for the city.

Frieren continued to walk, as if the small orchestra was pushing her back.

The rustling of leaves, the gurgling water of the fountain, the happy hubbub from the cafeteria. All the sounds of nature and the noise of daily lives here and there gave the impression they were all pleasantly tuned.

It might be said she could stay in here for years while exploring the city thoroughly.

In one corner of the city, there stood an old-looking music store. Its appearance, reflecting its long age, made it stand out.

For some reason, she entered the store. It was a place she wouldn’t normally stop by, but her feet were strangely drawn into it.

Beyond the store’s creaking door, however, a strikingly different but still atmosphere hung about.

Beautifully polished wind instruments. Stringed instruments without a speck of dust. They were placed on a cramped space, lined like capillary vessels. The store’s appearance made it feel like one could hear the breathing of the old craftsman running the store alone.

As she searched for a narrow foothold and was about to head deeper,

“You.” A voice said. Frieren felt it was a matured voice that carefully aged over many years.

An old man, whose white hair was tied up clumsily, peeked out from the back of the store. His sleeves were still rolled up, as if he was still tending to his instruments a short while ago. She caught a glimpse of the old man’s muscles, which were well-toned for his age.

“You… seemed to have lived a life unconnected to musical instruments.”

Adjusting the monocle on his eye, the old man fixed his gaze on Frieren.

“How can you tell?”

“Because you are a face I have not seen before. Those who love music and those who are loved by music will have visited this place sooner or later.”

The old man asserted his words with such sincere belief.

“Those who love music will immediately be obsessed with the instruments here. Those who are loved by music are people my eyes immediately recognize. So, yes, I can tell. Will you let me see your face?”

And then he beckoned her to come closer.

“My, my, I am surprised. It seems like you are the latter.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your ears, the corner of your eyes, your features. You appear to be an elf.”

“I am an elf, but…”

Frieren didn’t immediately catch the drift of the conversation.

“I have something I want people like you to have.”

After saying, “Wait for me,” the old man turned on his heel and took out a small wooden box from the back of the store and opened it. Inside was a palm-sized ocarina-like musical instrument.

The instrument’s intricate design was obvious even to the untrained eye.

“This is the Möglich. [2]”

“Möglich?”

“Its other name is ‘the Impossible’ [2]. It’s an instrument said to take a hundred years to master.”

“I once heard the horn is said to be the most difficult instrument in the world for humans to play.”

Frieren replied, recalling the boy from the marching band earlier. She remembered him struggling to play.

“That is a topic for ordinary humans. This instrument, however, was originally made by elves. You seem to be unaware of this.”

“That’s right. I didn’t know. Though it’s not strange if some elf did invent something like that.”

Frieren knew some of her own kind who spent so many years just killing time. [3]

“My great-grandfather inherited the Möglich, and he analyzed its structure. Apparently, it is impossible to produce a sound with this instrument unless they continue infusing in a small amount of mana while maintaining a perfect equilibrium. It would take more than ten years to produce a proper sound on this instrument. Fifty years is not even enough for an experienced mage to play one tune with it.”

“Really?” Frieren replied vaguely, not making it clear whether she was interested or not.

“I heard after one hundred years of diligently studying it, the sound one can play from this instrument is unparalleled.”

In fact, the old shopkeeper spent his life trying to master it. However, it was impossible for him to master the instrument as he did not possess any magical power. He could not even make it produce a sound.

“There is yet no one who has mastered it, much less know how to play it, so this instrument is still for sale, waiting for a buyer.”

The instrument had this eye-popping price tag. It was an amount that could already buy a house, and there was no way Frieren could afford it, not with the travelling-expenses-money she had on hand.

Of course, Frieren had no intention to buy it.

Certainly, it was rather interesting a fellow elf spent part of their long life in the form of developing this musical instrument. What kind of elf are they? Why did they give it to humans?

Most likely, she felt that this might be no more than a prank. It was an instrument that made sounds that could not be produced within the very short, fleeting lives of humans, after all.

“I am here because I want to hear the Möglich’s melodies one day. I have long sought for that timbre no words can describe. For so many years, this whole time. I eagerly awaited any who loved music or is loved by music to come here and finally fulfill my wish. It might be an impossible dream now, but I feel the guidance of the Goddess is at work that I am able to meet you, an elf.”

“I’m sorry, but…”

“I have no need for your money.”

“I can’t pay, then.”

“I want an elf like you to have it.” The old shopkeeper said with a strong tone.

His eyes held no arrogance on them, as if he was pushing his impossible dream onto someone else, but instead were filled with unadulterated hope.

“………”

After some hesitation, Frieren replied.

“If there’s no other buyers, I’ll think about it. This should be bought by someone who should own it though.”

“I see… Come back. I am sure you will.”

“I’ll be back. I plan on staying here for a while.”

The old man, as if to remind himself, called out to Frieren as she was about to leave.

“What is your name?”

“Frieren.”

“What a fine name. A name loved by music.”

2.

The dusk was casting its shadow over the city by the time she left the music store.

Frieren felt how the city’s tune changed between day and night.

Unlike the bustling daytime and the soundless midnight, the comforting evening was like a soft breeze caressing her cheeks.

Let’s have dinner, Frieren thought.

During the time she traveled with Himmel and their party, Himmel always decided where they would eat. He had this exceptional ability to find out any restaurant that had what Frieren and the others wanted without them telling him what they were in the mood to eat.

How did you know? She once asked him at the dinner table.

“You all have this way of showing what you’re thinking on your faces.”

Himmel smiled as he said this.

“Heiter’s face now has the color of a ditch.”

Eisen took a glance at the drunkard next to him.

“What?!”

Heiter looked back at Frieren, his face looking like an undead. He was so dead drunk he couldn’t tell the difference between Eisen and Frieren.

“You reek of booze.”

Frieren kicked him while Himmel laughed.

“Frieren, you see, I enjoy nothing more than having a meal with the four of us like this. I choose the food every one of us like as I want to make sure we all have a good time.”

She recalled wondering even then if it was the answer to her question.

She then looked at the restaurant now in front of her and thought it had the same appearance and atmosphere as the one from that time.

This restaurant, called Parlante [3], was such a calm place it was like it was not her first time entering it.

“What did Himmel like?”

Thinking back, Himmel always ordered his food last. It was often a different dish from theirs, or he would choose a dish that was easy to share between the four of them.

After that, he would portion out his food little by little, share that, and say, “Isn’t it more fun to have a variety of dishes at once?”

They had eaten around the table in as many places as she could remember. They partook of seafood when they were in coastal towns, they ate wild greens and hunted game in campgrounds, and they particularly were fond of each region’s local specialties.

“The food that can only be eaten in the place you’re in becomes a shared memory with the people you went in with. Even if you forget, you’ll remember again when you go there and eat the local food. That’s how I want to travel.”

Frieren remembered them talking about this one day, so she then called the waiter.

“Is there any dish you can only eat at this restaurant?”

Would Himmel be surprised to find out she had started thinking like that? Or would he laugh and say, “It’s written on your face,” as if he had already predicted this would happen?

The waiter flipped carefully through the menu pages.

“Our specialty is the l'oeuf omelette [4], made of ten chicken eggs. This dish has four servings, so shall I bring you a quarter of that?”

“No, I’ll order it as it is. If I can’t finish it all, I’ll have the rest on take-out.”

This dish, which was loved by well-known musicians, was bigger than expected and took up a large space on the table.

The evening for one person went on, her recalling that lively dinner table she once shared with others.

3.

It has been a month since she stayed, but she had been so distracted by the magic tool shops and the cityscapes, she wasn’t able to fully explore the small city.

Every time she passed the music store, however, the old shopkeeper would enthusiastically call Frieren’s name.

It had become routine for both of them to exchange small greetings.

It wasn’t particularly a trouble to Frieren, but somehow, she felt like going somewhere a bit different for today.

Not far off the city center, there was a street lined with monuments of musicians. Some were well-known, but others were unknown to Frieren.

At the end of the line, however, she found a rather out-of-place statue.

It was a bust of Himmel holding a violin. It was probably commissioned by the time he was travelling alone in neighboring countries after the Demon King’s defeat.

“He was here, too…” Frieren muttered unconsciously.

His eyes were closed, but his facial expression on the chin rest conveyed such a strong will. This must be the work of a skilled craftsman. One could tell a lot of time was spent making the statue. The finish it had was unique even among the more than one hundred types of heroes’ statues.

“So, he could play such a musical instrument.”

She muttered those words to herself, not wanting anyone else to hear, but from behind her came an unexpected response.

“It’s just as Master Himmel said.”

When Frieren turned around, she saw the speaker was an old woman. There was quite a gap between the woman’s voice, which was quite youthful, and the woman’s elderly appearance. The woman continued with a well-projected voice.

“Might you be Lady Frieren?”

“……?”

For a few moments, Frieren couldn’t understand the words directed at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Master Himmel said that when he came here before.”

The old woman, using skillful vocal acrobatics, reenacted her and Himmel’s state during that time.

“One day in the future, a mage named Frieren will visit this city. I want to make a statue that will serve as a landmark for her.”

“A landmark? Won’t everyone just stop in front of Master Himmel instead?”

“I’m sure they will. But I’m also sure they’ll recognize her immediately as she gazes at me.”

“Is that how it is?”

“Yes, it is.”

The old woman cleared her throat once, ending her little performance. Frieren felt it was strange, given the woman was surprisingly good at imitating voices. She was then told the woman was a former star performer at a circus troupe. It was no wonder that the woman’s voice carried through strongly.

“My apologies for the late introduction. My name is Flöte [5]. I got too excited at meeting you, Lady Frieren. This is embarrassing…”

Her cheeks blushed, a complete change from moments earlier when she was still acting with different voice tones.

“I witnessed a good performance.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Flöte smiled like a blooming flower.

“It seems like the statue was worth making.”

“Master Himmel lamented the statue wasn’t enough to convey his charm to the public.”

“Himmel would probably say that.”

Frieren then wiped the rust off the bronze statue’s flowy hair with a rag she carried.

“If only there was a ‘spell that removes rust from bronze statues’, this clean-up would be easier.”

“Let me help you.”

“It’s all right. I can do it on my own. So, why did Himmel say that?”

As all the rust was wiped off and the statue’s smile returned, the old woman answered Frieren with a mysterious look on her face.

“I have a favor to ask of you, Lady Frieren.”

She said it so apologetically that Frieren got an anxious expression.

“…What’s the reward?”

“A grimoire with the ‘spell to record sounds in a book’.”

At that point, Frieren broke into a smile.

“All right, I’m in.”

4.

“So, you want to dispel a spell that will not dispel until the caster dies?”

Frieren asked again, repeating the old woman’s words.

“That’s rather difficult. Nearly impossible, even.”

 “’I’m sure Frieren will do it’, that’s what Master Himmel told me before.”

“That’s absurd.”

“I’m also embarrassed to say… I am the caster in question.”

“I’m not getting the situation. What do you mean?”

“I ought to speak in order, then.”

 As the old woman said this, she began narrating her personal history.

Flöte was not born in the Capelle region, but in a family of mages, and her parents moved to the area as they hated the horrors of war, and there they established a magical circus troupe. She didn’t originally want to join the troupe, but due to the education she received, she was able to use various magic spells back then.

One of those spells was the ‘spell to erase one memory until death’. It would be a terrible spell if abused by others, but the spell was restricted so that it can only be cast on oneself.

There were many rumors about its effectiveness, which were never true. Some people said it reminded them of the moment of death where one’s whole life flashed before one’s eyes, while others said it meant like being buried in eternal darkness.

In any case, it was a mysterious kind of magic.

One day, when she was 15 years old, having mastered the spell at such a young age, she then cast it upon herself.

Since then, Flöte had lost that one memory, even until now.

“In short, I want to dispel that oblivion spell I casted upon myself.”

“What memory did you erase?”

“That’s the thing: I don’t know. I did erase it, after all.”

With downcast eyes, she connected her words.

“However, I began to wonder if I did lose something important on a whim, especially as I grew older and get closer to death. If, due to the heat of the moment, I buried that memory I shouldn’t have lost with the magic spell I learned, at least, I want to remember what it is before I die. I’m sorry, you might think of this as a selfish request.”

The old woman finally spoke in a voice appropriate for her age.

“When Master Himmel was in the city, I got an opportunity to tell him about it. He then told me about you, Lady Frieren. That Lady Frieren is sure to do something about it.”

Observing Frieren carefully, the old woman then appealed to her.

“Please, will you grant my request? I want to spend the little time I have left, which will pass in the blink of an eye, without any regrets.”

The old woman spoke eloquently, but Frieren didn’t reply, seemingly getting lost in her thoughts.

She walked through the city after, letting time pass, and when night came, she booked a room in a tavern.

Late at night, when the tavern earlier filled with cheerful music finally went quiet, the events of the day came to Frieren’s thoughts as she leafed through the pages of her grimoire.

5.

“This journey must have been a blink of an eye for you,” Himmel said.

The comment came as perfectly natural as picking vegetables in the market.

“I’ve almost died so many times, but now that I’ve made it here, everything feels so nostalgic.”

After the Demon King’s defeat, Himmel continued on as he rode the shaky carriage back to the Royal Capital.

“Frieren. I know you don’t think of this as nostalgic yet, but the day will come when you remember this journey, us, and this moment. I don’t know when that will be. Maybe after I die. Even so, I’m sure you’ll be able to laugh and say, ‘That was a silly journey, wasn’t it?’”

“It’s too early for the serious talk! We haven’t truly defeated the Demon King until we return home!”

Heiter continued to tease them while smiling.

“Well, we still have requests to fulfill.”

On his return to the Royal Capital, Himmel received many requests. He took on small tasks to help people, fixing roads, even searching for lost things.

Their current request back then was from the village undertaker, who asked them to eliminate a monster that only reacted to human corpses.

When asked for more details, the undertaker said there was a dragon blocking the only bridge that connected the village and the town. Since the dragon damaging the area only occurred when corpses were carried away, it was concluded that the dragon had the tendency to target only corpses.

It didn’t respond to scarecrows, and pretending to be dead didn’t work on it either. Since it only paid attention to real human corpses, Frieren guessed it might have eyes that could detect whether a person is alive or dead.

“I’ll act as bait.”

Himmel spoke resolutely, as he always did.

“You just defeated the Demon King, and you want to die here?” Eisen said. “Stop being reckless!”

“Even Eisen, who doesn’t die even if he was eaten by monsters, is useless this time, huh.”

“Heiter, shut up.”

Frieren looked at the two badmouthing each other and then asked.

“Can’t we just borrow a corpse?”

“We can’t do that, Frieren.”

Himmel continued, as if to admonish her.

“A dead person is the image of a life lived fully. We can’t recklessly put that in danger. Besides, even if I’ll be acting as bait, I won’t truly die. Frieren, you can put me in a state of suspended animation, yes?”

“A state of suspended animation?”

She once casted the ‘spell to encase a living creature on ice’ on a ferocious enormous fish. Himmel must have that time in mind when he said this.

“Are you sure? If I make a slight mistake, you’ll truly die.”

“You can do it, right?”

“I don’t know.”

Frieren shrugged her shoulders and…

“Just do it this time. You’re capable of it, after all.”

“Go for it!”

Heiter and Eisen happily cheered.

“I don’t know what will happen.”

Himmel stood on top of the bridge as Frieren took out her staff.

“Frieren. Fire at me.”

A flash of mana concentrated on the staff’s tip then enveloped Himmel. The air around froze, and Himmel quietly collapsed.

Soon after, a very large shadow appeared on the bridge. A dragon came on sight. As it circled the sky above, it went straight at Himmel, as if it had set its sights on him. Its piercing eyes and the sharp claws it brought out now loomed nearer.

Facing that, a large swing of the warrior Eisen’s axe violently exploded.

A heavy, dull sound echoed throughout the area.

White smoke and cold air blended, then wafted away as if they were thawing. One could see that Eisen was the last one standing.

Frieren then promptly used the ‘spell to warm up the skin’ on Himmel’s cold body.

Regaining his breath, Himmel smiled at Frieren with a reddened face.

“See? I told you; you can do it.”

6.

Frieren snapped her grimoire shut.

“The ‘spell to erase one memory until death’, huh.”

The next day, as the morning sun rose, the city became slowly filled with sound.

Frieren woke up on the hard floor far from her bed, and with bed hair she went to Flöte’s house.

It was to put a theory into practice. This was a drastic measure, but in Frieren’s opinion this measure would work.

“Lady Frieren, good morning. Did you find out anything?”

The old woman’s voice seemed refreshed.

“You’ll have to die.”

“Huh?”

“That’s why I’ll put you into the state of suspended animation.”

“……”

There was a moment of confusion from the old woman, then silence. However, after a while, she looked like she had made up her mind.

“Please. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

As soon as she heard those words, Frieren gently raised her staff.

“Lie on the bed. I’m starting.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes, indeed, but are you all right with this…?”

“I’ve done it once before. I can do it.”

“If Lady Frieren says so, then it will be all right. Please do so.”

The spell Frieren casted on the old woman enveloped the latter’s body, and for a moment her body stiffened.

Soon after, however, the old woman’s body regained movement, just like how coloring paint flowed when dissolved in water. She then wore this childlike expression, showing a trace of the young girl she once was.

“How are you?” Frieren asked shortly after. “You technically have died once, so your memory should be back.”

“Hahaha… I was worried like a child…”

The old woman seemed to have recovered her lost memory.

As an adolescent, she didn’t want to join the magical circus troupe. Instead, she yearned for a particular musical instrument.

“The Möglich, the instrument said to take a hundred years to master…”

She strongly yearned for it, but it was too expensive, and she could not spend a hundred years on it, so as a child, she thought she could just forget it existed.

So, she sealed that memory instead. She put the lid on that unattainable wish and began to live on reality.

“I’m glad I remembered… I’ll put my life on the line even if it takes years before I reached my dream, and I’ll start learning from now on.”

“I see. Then, you should have that instrument.”

As the Möglich was an instrument which used magical power to produce sound, without doubt, it would be a good match for Flöte, who was a mage.

“I’ll tell the music store shopkeeper. That there is this customer who has wanted it for a long time.”

“Oh, no. Are you truly sure?”

“I want someone who loves music more than me to have it, you see.”

“Thank you very much. Lady Frieren, I cannot thank you enough.”

“I get rewarded anyways, so…”

“Yes, you’re right.” The old woman took out a grimoire from her bookshelf. “This is the grimoire with the ‘spell to record sounds in a book’. I’m ashamed to say I have already recorded various sounds in this book…”

Flöte’s eyes went downcast as she said this, just like when she and Frieren first met.

“It sounds like a strange hobby, isn’t it? As it was routine for me to travel to various places as part of the magical circus troupe, I had a lot of once-in-a-lifetime chance encounters, and I wanted to preserve them in some form. The local people and the sounds from nature became my source of support. Among these are the recordings of my meetings with Master Himmel.”

“This isn’t a strange hobby. Himmel would have said the same.”

Frieren said she would return the grimoire when she finished reading it, then left the room.

On the same day, Frieren went to Restaurant Parlante, which was now a completely familiar place for her, and ordered an omelette. When she went to bed with a full stomach, she then opened the grimoire the old woman gave her.

Just as Flöte said, the grimoire had sounds from various ages, places, genders of people… some of them were sounds from nature, some being the noise of daily lives.

“You… you look familiar.”

Was this how the old music store shopkeeper sounded like when he was younger?

“I’ll have the ten-egg l'oeuf omelette, please!”

The voice of a very well-known musician continued.

“This time, I’m thinking of starting a marching band in this city.”

“One day in the future, a mage named Frieren will visit this city. I want to make a statue that will serve as a landmark for her.”

She heard Himmel’s voice as she turned a page. His voice was a bit different from the last time she met him, but it was still Himmel’s voice from her memories. It felt nostalgic, too.

And she realized that Flöte’s voice imitation before was a bit exaggerated.

“Please pose quickly! You’re just holding a violin…!”

This was probably the heartbroken cry of the craftsman who made that Himmel bust.

It seemed like Flöte, as a young girl, followed her interests and recorded these sounds from the various places she went, and the chance encounters she cherished. Frieren could just imagine how she looked like during then.

“………”

It might not be a bad idea to retrace that journey with everyone, she thought, looking at the east towards the Royal Capital.

In the end, Frieren decided to leave after staying in the city for around three months.

When she said goodbye to the music store shopkeeper, he excitedly said, “Flöte loves music and is loved by music.” He said the old woman mastered producing sounds on the Möglich at an extraordinarily fast pace, something that would have normally taken ten years.

After all, it was appropriate for those who should own it to have it.

As she was preparing herself to leave with these thoughts in mind, a marching band passed by in front of the tavern.

The boy playing the horn had grown taller in a short time, and his hat now fitted him better. His fingers holding the horn now had calluses on them, and his blowing on it sounded less labored than before.

The sound was brave and gentle, but eventually became grainy.

A celebratory fanfare sounding like a parade salute echoed on Frieren’s back as she left the city.

(END)

Translator’s Notes:

[1] Written as カペッレ in katakana. I decided to translate it as “Capelle”, as the word means “the private orchestra or band of a prince or church”, which is a reference to the marching band in this short novel.

[2] Written as メークリヒ in katakana. In German, “möglich” means “possible”.

[3] Written as パルランテ in katakana. “Parlante” means “a piece of music to be sung or played in the style of a recitative”.

[4] In French, "l'oeuf" means "egg". In short, this word is just a fancy term for "egg omelettes".

[5] Written as フレーテ in katakana. In German, “Flöte” means “flute” or “whistle”.

[6] Frieren was most likely thinking of Milliarde, an elf friend of hers who first appeared in Chapter 69.

[galedekarios]

Hey there! You're one of the best Gale-ish devnotes\datamines sources that I know of, so I might as well ask. I remember that at some point Gale mentions taking part in Blackstaff Academy balls (or something like that). Is it mentioned elswhere, and do we have any details on his involvement in such activities? Need that for science\personal lore, and I'd appreciate any info (including EA), if you have time. Thanks!

thank you for your message and i'm sorry for the belated response!

i took my time to comb through everything and sadly, the banter with wyll is the only instance i could find of gale mentioning a ball at blackstaff academy:

gale & the annual blackstaff's ball

gale: i knew you were a graceful man, wyll, but i hear you're quite the dancer too. gale: i've been known to trip the light fantastic myself. mine was a popular hand at the annual blackstaff's ball. wyll: i'd have love to have witnessed it, gale. i wager you are as elegant on the dance floor as you are on the battlefield.

the only other banters i could find that are only loosely related. some give us glimpses into his life at the academy, others into his life in waterdeep.

here's another story about gale & being a young student at blackstaff academy, which triggers in the wizard tower in the underdark:

gale & the death slaad

gale: ah. quite. a misadventure from my days as an apprentice at blackstaff academy. gale: i was but a child, only a few months into my studies, but already i knew i was destined for greatness. no one believed me, of course, so i decided to prove it. to cast a spell with the blackstaff itself. gale: from one perspective, i succeeded. i opened a portal. however, instead of pointing it at the first year dormitory, i found myself pulled into limbo, facing a very irritated death slaad. gale: fortunately, the blackstaff himself came to the rescue, hauling me back from the brink, and straight into several months of writing lines. or rather, finessing my autograph. gale: now, much as i enjoy reminiscing about such tomfoolery, i believe we've more pressing matters at hand. is there anything else?

this dialogue path from the epilogue has him speaking a bit more about those days as well:

gale & his days as a wayward apprentice

gale: teaching at blackstaff academy has proven such an unexpected pleasure. sometimes i find it hard to tear myself away. gale: just one of the myriad unexpected ways life has delighted me in recent months. gale: even my own city feels new to me, now that i share it with you. player: probably because i make you put down your quill once in a while and enjoy it. gale: that you do. i've not had so much fun in waterdeep since my own days as a wayward blackstaff apprentice. gale: you've certainly made quite the impression on my friends down at the yawning portal. the last i heard, they were thinking of naming a drink after you.

while he seems to have enjoyed a much richer social life in waterdeep before his time of isolation, it's mentioned in another epilogue banter (devnotes) that he didn't seek out any of the more dangerous parts of the city.

there are also other banters about gale's life in waterdeep before the game:

gale & the temple of beauty in waterdeep

gale: i must tell you, shadowheart, the bathing waters here leave much to be desired. gale: the ablutions offered at the temple of beauty in waterdeep are far superior. and they have the most excellent soaps. shadowheart: hmm. i was wondering why you always smelled like a wealthy dowager.

gale & spending time in the hospice of st. laupsenn

wyll: this was a hospital? feels more like a prison. gale: a common enough interpretation. sickness has a nasty habit of making you feel trapped, if only within the confines of your body. gale: i once spent weeks convalescing in the hospice of st. laupsenn after a nasty bout of ruddy pox. for all their kindness, leaving that place behind felt like freedom to me. wyll: i’ve always relied on the kindness of the healers and menders of the coast. better a cleric’s healing touch than a chirurgeon’s scalpel.

gale & florist

lae'zel: these flowers are quite vivid - not to mention, pungent. not to my liking. gale: are there no flowers in tu'narath? lae'zel: in the city of death, the mlar cultivate the fruiting bodies that sprout from the corpses of the slain. gale: i'd rather get them from my florist in waterdeep, if it's all the same to you.

i'm also including this banter between wyll and gale here because it speaks (even if somewhat joking) about his upbringing as a whole by morena:

wyll: i admire your courage, gale. gale: thank you. any particular reason? wyll: between the orb and the bug, you've got more than your fair share of unwelcome passengers. gale: what can i say? mother always taught me to be a gracious host.

we also know that he has had multiple tutors:

lae'zel: you strike me cleverer than most istiki, gale. multiple tutors, i should guess. gale: many a wise man and woman indeed. waterdeep is the home of myriad scholars. wyll: ah, the city of splendours. spent a whole fleetswake there with my father. what a delight.

hiring tutors appears to be relatively common in waterdeep:

so while this sadly wasn't what you were looking for, i hope this is helpful to some degree! 🖤

[punkpandapatrixk]

Full Strawberry Moon in Capricorn ♦︎ Moon Magick Pick A Card

Heey, has the Full Strawberry Moon caused you some level of fatigue? At least physically rather than mentally? It was in the sign of Capricorn last June 23. This FM brought a shake-up to the foundation of our routines and a sense of belonging. I hope you’ve been feeling more secure in terms of your job and finances, or at least in the way you get to schedule your work.

There’s this little thing that I’ve been saying to myself ever since the arrival of this FM: ‘I’ve decided now that I am stable and secure. I’m not anxious anymore. There’s nothing to worry about.’ I’ve been saying that for my finances, yes, but especially, about my place in the world. I’ve become even more certain that what I’m doing is contributing positively to the world around me, and I’m very happy about that :D

This Full Moon, the aenergy is all about dreams and manifestations of a stable, secure Life going forward as Workers of Light. Personally, I don’t know what’s going on with people who are not of the Light LOL I guess all the foundation of their Reality is simply crumbling because they haven’t worked on their traumas? *cough, Hollyweird, cough cough*

Anyway, this FM also brought in a huge-ass cosmic broom to sweep up even more karmic debris from your energetic field (even bloodline). Releasing yourself from the shackles of guilt and unworthiness so you can grow tall and reach the heights of the heavens. All that, so you can now focus on your legacy project—something important, and unique, which you’ve known for quite a while only you can do.

This Full Strawberry Moon in Capricorn is the time all these wishes and endeavours are blessed by the Light forces of the Universe. Workers of Light, this year is YOUR year! Stomp forward bravely!

IDEA: High Paying, Low Stress Feminine Careers by Beauty & Beyond

deck-bottom: XVII The Star Rx, Gold Astronomer (John Dee), Priestess of Strength

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☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 1 – It’s Time to Nourish Your Body

security – 2 of Cups Rx

Oh, this is interesting. You know that 2 of Cups is a soulmate card, right? But here in reverse I’m getting that up until fairly recently you’ve given so much of yourself to the wrong soulmates. It could be that there was something in the air that convinced you that you’d met your tribe, friend group, or even the one and true significant other, but then the Universe did something and the truth was unveiled, and it was painful.

The, uh, disclosure, took quite a toll on your physical body, probably due to the shock or trauma. This could’ve eaten away at your self-worth, too, to some degree. You might’ve dealt with an affliction of an impostor syndrome after the incident. Emotionally, it was really hard. But now, the Full Strawberry Moon has swept away a huge chunk of that trauma and now you’re good LOL

Basically, you’re being assured by your Spirit Guides that everything is only getting better from here <3

stability – 10 of Wands

If you resonate with having been in isolation for quite a while, this is your confirmation that you’ve chosen well. I mean, I guess your Spirit Guides ushered you into isolation LOL But this isolation period is your recovery phase from all the lessons you’ve taken from the previous chapter of your Life. Your Spirit Guides are saying the past was not a mistake. You needed to experience those things to help you develop a stronger intuition.

It's part of your Life Scenario to meet many, indeed, Souls that you’d known in different incarnations, but they’re not necessarily your long-term Soul Tribe. It was more like meeting old friends, neighbours or students you’d interacted with in the past and now they’re just passing by to say hi or help you with a light task. They were never meant to stay for long. Because, your True Soul Family is elsewhere.

Know that. Feel that with your intuition. Accept their call. And have fun making your way to them, or inviting them to your space :D

worry-free – 6 of Wands

For some of you tuning into this Pile, you may have been in this isolation mode for a very long time. Your Spirit Guides are saying your time in hiding is almost over. Soon, you’re gonna be connecting with people again and be seen for all the wonderful work you’re able to produce now, and everybody around you is so gonna appreciate and admire you for all that you are. They’ll think you’re super wonderful and they’re gonna wanna hang out with you and all that stuff :D

Are you still afraid of some kind of a betrayal or abandonment from these connections? No, it doesn’t seem like that at all. Why? Because you’ve transcended above your self-worth issues; because now there’s something that you’re doing that you feel very proud of, at least confident about. You know your worth now, so you’re just naturally magnetising people who will also view you the same.

Take care of your body though. Don’t work too hard. Your body still needs to get used to a healthy routine so it gets stronger. A strong body supports a more stable emotional plane <3

full moon self-care🔻🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 – Enjoying Unwinding for a Moment

security – 7 of Wands Rx

Seems like you’ve been huuuuuustling for the longest time. This FM in Capricorn is saying you’ve done marvellously well, so please take a break now! XD It’s more like, gosh, you haven’t taken the time to smell the panna cotta at all. Chill out, bro. You’re gonna work yourself to death before you even get to enjoy any bit of your labour of love. If it’s not possible to take a break, at least delegate. You really don’t have to do it all alone~

There’s a bit of a message about learning to trust other people. In essence, also learning to trust the Universe. Trust that things won’t suddenly spin out of control just because you’re snoring one minute. You’re working on something important that can benefit other people as well, right? Even if ‘other people’ literally means only yourself at this moment, and your family in the future.

Trust that the work—or the intent to change jobs—you’re doing now is in alignment with your Highest Intended Good. And in that sense, everything is perfect. You can relax~

stability – 10 of Cups Rx

Other than the scenario involving work, it seems a bunch of you have simply been dealing with a sense of ‘burden’ that goes beyond just day-to-day work. I feel like there’s been so much dark clouds in your mind, covering all your senses and your perception of Reality. These dark clouds are just worries, anxieties, and a fear of rejection or shame from the people closest to you.

It feels like there’s an endeavour you know you must take, a decision you know you must make, but you’ve been so stressed out about how to balance what you want with what’s expected of you. This FM in Capricorn seems to have lifted a huge chunk of those gloomy clouds tho, and I’m seeing you’re more able to distance yourself from the opinions and influences of those who might disagree with you.

This time around, this year in fact, you’re prioritising yourself. There’s something very important that you must undertake, but first, peace of mind first.

worry-free – 6 of Cups Rx

It does seem that the majority of your concerns come from ‘people’ rather ‘situations’. Your interpersonal relationships were simply weighing you down because you feel so much empathy and gratitude towards the people whom, I get are meant to be left in the past. These are people in your early chapters of Life; they’re likely not gonna make an appearance in the next arc, babe.

So you’re being advised to let go with grace and gratitude. I feel like you’re this dragon who’s meant for something mega-important and mega-luxury but the people around you couldn’t understand that. Well, that’s OK. That doesn’t make them ‘bad’, right? You just aren’t each other’s people, apparently. Your people, in fact, are those who are just as weird as you.

As you move forward, you’re going to meet more of these people who will even help you in building your empire. For now though, just enjoy unwinding those stressful threads of expectations in your mind~

full moon self-care🔻🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 3 – This is Literally Where It All Starts

security – Page of Pentacles Rx

You’ve dedicated a huge chunk of your Life to studying. Most people won’t even be able to grasp just how much ‘a huge chunk of your Life’ is in this scenario. It almost feels like practically your entire Life, you’ve just been studying. A whooole Life of nothing but hard lessons from the Universe. Are you fuckin’ kidding me? You may have felt like giving up numerous times, too.

But it all ends by this FM in Capricorn. You’ve finished studying. You’ve graduated, or soon graduating. For the most part, the majority of you have closed that chapter of studying, learning and experimenting (with prototypes). From here onwards, it’s full-on Creation with active R&D on the side. You’re being propelled into your Highest Intended Mission.

Of course, vacation, first, baby~ Relax and celebrate your graduation. You deserve to take it easy now that you’re in preparatory mode.

stability – 2 of Airships Rx

I see that whatever you’ve felt was restricted before, whether money or time or a general sense of ‘freedom’ to do what you want when you want, is being lifted and suddenly there’s just this almost magical burst of material blessings that enable you to just…have a good time! Like, before, it was as if either you turn on the electricity or go without food for a day (hi, Australia). There was just SO much compromise to make. Not anymore! This FM in Capricorn is bringing in a lot of ease and material abundance!

Well, this Strawberry Moon is all about manifestation and fruitfulness, yes, but it’s also the way Saturn (ruler of Cap) seems to be easing in on the restrictions put around your physical manifestations. And it’s mainly thanks to your finally returning to the core of who you are. If this is your main pile, chances are, you’ve figured out your spiritual work in this world.

Basically, the lessons of Saturn revolve around that theme. Finding your footing in this world so your physical manifestations are always going to be in the service of your Highest Intended Good :D

worry-free – Knight of Wands Rx

I get this feeling that up until recently, you’ve been sort of torn between doing what’s responsible/practical and following this calling in your heart. Being pulled in more than one direction has caused you a great deal of mental turbulence. It wasn’t because you were choosing or managing poorly, no, not at all; it was because you were meant to follow both LOL

But yeah, I get that the whole learning phase was more like a tempering of your passions. Basically, the Universe was teaching you trust and faith in its grand orchestration. There this quote that fits perfectly for you right now:

‘You ever just like… Trust the Universe so much that you don’t give a fuck?’

For most of you tuning in here, I feel like you’ve kinda just stopped giving a fuck about whether or not you’re gonna make it or fail hahahah

And that’s the whole point, right? Doesn’t matter what happens, the Universe has big plans for you, so you’re surely gonna end up alright, and even thriving! Since you already know the outcome anyway, might as well relax and take it easy from like right now~

full moon self-care🔻🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

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[wen-kexing-apologist]

Rose's Day of Asks

Who were some of your favourite overall performances in terms of physical acting? Hands, face, body, whatever you prefer.

Have a great Day💜

 Hmm this is is a really hard question to- 

Billkin in I Told Sunset About You

Billkin as Teh is one of my favorite physical performances, not just in BL but of all time. I said this in The Conversation episode where we talked about I Told Sunset About You but for a boy that does not say much, Teh is incredibly loud as a character. The way he sits up, the way his face falls, the way he always circles, the grandiose and the miniscule ways that his body reflects his emotions. Do not get me wrong, PP is gorgeous and devastating in his role as Oh, but Billkin has a very very difficult character to contend with and to embody and from the posture, to the motion, the anger, the tears, the jealousy, the joy. He is constantly, constantly moving: tapping his fingers, shaking his leg, pacing, peeking, there is no way Teh is not an exhausting role to play, and he absolutely nailed it.  

[the rest of these are in no particular order, but there are so many, you really need to limit me to like..five cause I can’t do that on my own.]

Nike Nitidon in 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us 

Nike as Inthawut is an understated physical performance that I really enjoyed, Inthawut as a character is incredibly self-isolating, distrusting, shameful, and Nike carries that character very stiffly, squared shoulders, rimrod back, but he still moves with such grace to him. I watched all of 180 Degrees just thinking “he’s moving like a dancer” the entire time. Which is such a fascinating way to exist in a story where Inthawut and Sasiwimol as characters are engaging in a sort of social dance around each other and around Wang as they attempt to deflect questions about Siam. 

Hagiwara Riku in My Beautiful Man: Eternal 

Hagiwara is incredible generally but I really want to highlight his performance in My Beautiful Man: Eternal which has one of my favorite acting moments of BL. That is his performance when he is rescuing Kiyoi from Anna’s stalker. He moves so swiftly, so gracefully on a dime between threatening and violent, to soft and loving in his body and in his voice and in the shimmer in his eyes. Is it a surprise that he was able to pull that off? No, he showed such incredible range in his physical performance in the original season jumping between the timid, awkward, pushover to the loud, aggressive to the point of needing three people to hold him down, when he is defending Kiyoi, but it was truly so fun to watch him turn it on and off at any time. 

Also just an additional shout out to Yasei Yugei, specifically for the scene in Utsukushii Kare 2 when Hira tells him he doesn’t love him. The way his face fell? Incredible. 

Hasegawa Makoto in Koi wo Suru nara Nidome ga Joto

I wouldn’t say Hasegawa as Miyata is overall my favorite physical performer, however he had one of my favorite face changes of all time in the episode 4 sex scene. The way he sets his lips, the challenging look in his eyes, it was such an incredibly impressive shift in Miyata who has until that point been rather annoyed, bitchy, or awkward. 

Tod and Boy in Ghost Host, Ghost House

Again, I wouldn’t say they have one of my favorite physical performances overall BUT Tod and Boy in Ghost Host, Ghost House had one of my favorite physicality moments of all time with their sex scene in Episode 4. More accurately with the build up to their first time. Kevin in his shorty little short shorts knowing exactly what he was doing. I can’t even describe the whole thing or what exactly it was about the scene that really did me in but you can absolutely feel the desire, the tension through the screen, and that is in huge part due to the physical performance of both of those actors. Pluem covering his mouth, trying to look away, ugh, exquisite. 

Nishijima and Uchino in Kinou Nani Tabeta? 

I think the hardest thing for me to appreciate with a lot of the Japanese actors is that I haven’t watched a ton of Japanese media so I rarely see the actors cross over between shows or genres and that makes it hard for me to understand just how talented they are at embodying their characters. But oh my god, these two, they are just. Their hug at the end of season one is one of my favorite moments of all time, it makes me so emotional. The full body panic that washed over Shiro’s body when Kenji turned to leave in the first ever episode of What Did You Eat Yesterday? Kenji’s face during the “I know you’re hurting” line, the increasingly frequent smile from Shiro in season 2. Just AHHHH they are both such good physical performers. 

Louis Chiang, Hsu Kai, and Takeda Kuohei in Kiseki: Dear to Me & Old Fashion Cupcake (respectively)

Louis and Hsu gave me the same physical acting moment in Kiseki that I loved in Old Fashioned Cupcake which is the body responding to something differently than the brain is, especially in something as physically demanding and choreographed as a kissing scene. All three of them did such phenomenal jobs in their respective scenes with Ai Di looking so fucking confused when Chen Yi kisses him, and actually kissing back for a split second before biting him, Fan Ze Rui kissing Bai Zhong Yi back while trying to push him away and then immediately giving up, and Nozue fully doing calculus in his head while still kissing Togawa back. I appreciate actors so much because I could never oh my god. 

Milk and View in 23.5 Degrees

I gotta get some ladies on here and who better than the loves of my life Milk and View. Milk I just want to commend how variable her performance is between 23.5 and Bad Buddy. I am so so here for all the rolling, flailing, fainting, screaming. She’s doing such an incredible job in what I am sure is a very physically taxing role. 

View going on the complete opposite end of the spectrum with a very stiff character with a very flat affect. I love everything about Aylin, and I especially love those little moments of emotion that do break through. The small smile Aylin gets, the crying breakdown she has on the basketball court, the delay before she too runs all gangly and awkward to the door to greet their friends. Stiffness feels like a hard thing to embody without it feeling like bad acting, because I think a lot of what I see of bad acting comes from people who are too stiff, for completely non-character related reasons. 

MOTHERFUCKING BARCODE TINNASIT IN DEAD FRIEND FOREVER

This kid. Was. SO. CREEPY. I am so proud of him! When I first saw Barcode on screen in this show, I thought they picked him for the role of Non because he was the sweet, baby-faced little boy you remember from KinnPorsche and thus would garner sympathy. But no. 

NOPE. 

I WAS WRONG. 

It is because BARCODE IS A FUCKING POWERHOUSE at 18 years old. The laughter, the smiles, the absolutely deranged behavior. The breakdowns. This kid. Holyyyyyyyyyy shit. 

__

In truth there are so so so so so many moments, performances, actors that are just absolutely incredible and worthy of praise, and the nice thing is that even small moments can make huge impacts on me, on an audience as a whole. Sometimes it’s not just the physicality of the actors that really makes the performance, it’s the anatomy of the scene, it’s choreography, it’s lighting, it’s sound. The silence in Our Dining Table, Episode 8 when Yutaka reaches back for the briefest of moments. The editing of the masturbation scene in I Feel You Linger in the Air cutting between Jom’s hands on Yai’s back and Jom’s hands on his own body. Han Baram’s sad, sad little face and his sad sad little song and the way he and Im Han Tae cuddle even when they are platonic in Sing My Crush. Sam Lin + Alcohol in We Best Love. Like ugh there’s just so many beautiful physical moments out there. 

Additional Shout Outs: 

First Kanaphan, Mark Pakin, Fourth, Ohm, Singto: all of these boys are so impressive in their physical acting in so many ways. First as Yok and First as Akk was almost completely unrecognizable to me when I first saw them. First is an incredible physical actor, and I wish that GMMTV would actually let him maintain complex characteristics rather than turning him in to the weepy boy every time. But from a physical acting standpoint, he’s incredible. Mark Pakin truly is GMMTV’s six man: he was on The Warp Effect, Moonlight Chicken, and My School President which all aired at the same time, with him playing three very different characters. It was such a treat to see Fourth and Gemini back to back in MSP and MLC as well, but the happy bouncy puppy dog that was Gun compared to the jaded, angry young adult that was Li Ming was just marvelous to behold, I swear to god I saw a storm cloud pass over that kid’s brow at one point during MLC. Ohm because of course. Singto because that dude is able to convey so much by moving so little of his face, it’s truly astounding. 

James Supamakong in Bed Friend, Episode 4

This is honestly more from a vocal perspective but the way he fucking screamed and cried in both attempted rape scenes haunts me to this day. 

The cast of Ossan’s Love Returns, but especially all of the fight scenes between Hayashi Kento (Maki) and Yoshida Kotero (Kurosawa), they were so fun to watch, especially because they are supposed to present as such put together characters, and the sustained fight scene in Episode 6 was fucking hysterical. 

Non-BL mentions: 

Toby Stephens and his voice acting in Black Sails

Matthew McFayden and the hand flex in Pride and Prejudice 

Kalki Koechil and physically portraying cerebral palsy as an able bodied actress in Margarita With a Straw (you can check out my write up for my thoughts on the ethical component of that though)

The fencing scene from The Court Jester

I have never watched the movie, but Christopher Reeve’s Clark Kent to Superman transition

Sense8. All of it. 

I haven’t even seen it, but Orphan Black

What are some of yours?