#which is accidentally a pretty good metaphor

[bananonbinary]

also i think its a very good example of why checklist-analysis of tropes is so shallow, because that description of the episode up there? sounds REALLY bad in concept, but if you actually watch it you'll see that it's very well-meaning and avoids some of the worse implications just by being so earnest. do i think they should have made it? still maybe no. probably coulda gone with a different pov character to get the same gist. but at worst, it's a clumsy attempt at solidarity, not the irredeemable garbage you might expect just from reading a plot synopsis.

been watching quantum leap and im shocked how political it gets (in a good way)

i was expecting a fairly standard popcorn show with very little substance, and its not like a Serious Breakdown of Political Praxis, but it's very aggressively kind in a way i wasnt expecting. im only half a season in and we've gotten an anti-black racism episode, an anti-japanese racism episode, and several episodes about misogyny. it can be very clumsy in its execution at times ("white man leaps into the body of a black man and is outraged about racism" was never ever going to be a good idea imo), but the heart is there. it clearly is trying so hard to take this very goofy concept and use it as a megaphone to say "hey!!! stop being shitty to your fellow humans!!!" and i really admire that in a show.

[burningcomputerpersona]

ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut

[ludwig-van-gaythoven]

Cabin Fever - (Regina George x F Reader) Part 4

Fandom;

Mean Girls (2024)

Pairings:

Regina George x Reader

Summary:

The students of Northshore go on a school trip for a week in the forest. You end up getting to know the apex predator in a way you’d never seen her before.

Warnings;

Implied ED, Claustrophobia

Parts:

Part 1// Part 2// Part 3// Part 4// Part 5// Part 6

You can feel Regina’s lips on your skin all morning. The aching pain in your hip is now replaced by a warm longing. It’s a pretty good metaphor for Regina herself. She can bruise you so easily and then make it all better.

She kissed you.

Why did she kiss you?

Was it because she felt so guilty about hurting you and couldn’t find the words to tell you? That had to be it. The other option briefly crosses your mind but you quickly dismiss it. This is Regina George. Less than 2 days ago she didn’t know you existed. She’s the Queen of the school, why would she want to be anything to someone like you? The thought is disheartening but it's much better than falling victim to a disappointing fantasy.

Regina is already gone, as usual. At least it gives you some time in the morning to sort your thoughts into nice neat boxes and get yourself ready without the distraction.

You know that today's activity is caving. Working your way through a man made cave system sounds much better for you, at least your feet are firmly on the ground. You decide on a pair of jeans, another band tee (Is that really all you packed?) and throw a hoodie on top. The caves might be cold and it’ll stop you scraping up your elbows while you navigate tight crawl spaces.

You make your way to the Campfire pit to be shown today's activity. The instructor tells you all to find groups or pairs. You don’t even bother glancing in Regina’s direction, she’ll be with Gretchen and Karen. You don’t mind going through it alone. It’s better than being paired up with a stranger. It would be much more fun with Janis and Damien though.

You feel a slight not in your stomach at the thought of Janis. She’d tried to call again this morning but you didn’t have the heart to answer in case more lies came tumbling out of your mouth, so instead you just sent back a quick text letting her know you’d call this evening and put your phone on silent.

You’re led to a door in the side of what looks like an oddly shaped hill which contains an intricate man-made cave system. Some of the group drop out saying they’re claustrophobic and don’t want to go through. It’s understandable, you wish you’d been given that option on the high ropes.

The instructor lets each group go through every 10 minutes to allow the first group to be a decent way through and avoid traffic. You end up behind the plastics in the queue again. It’s not exactly accidental. Hopefully Regina doesn’t notice this.

They go through first, you try not to make it too obvious where your gaze lands as Regina gets on her knees to crawl through the cave entrance. She’s wearing a pair of tight, black leather trousers and a pink tank top. It frames her body perfectly and you understand why most of the boys at school stare openly when she walks by. How are you only just noticing how hot she is now?

10 minutes later you’re instructed to go through. You crawl, squeeze and climb through the narrow passages of the cave. It’s pitch black, you have to use the head torch on your helmet to navigate.

It’s quite fun, you like the challenge. The further you get into the cave system, the harder some of the tunnels get. Some have passages you have to squeeze through sideways. Some you have to be on your stomach, sliding under. Every so often there are larger chambers you can have a break in and stand up fully. You slip through a narrow tunnel and into a larger chamber and your headlight catches a pair of eyes. You have to physically put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself screaming when you see a human figure cowering in the corner of the cave. You realize it’s Regina and she looks terrified. Her makeup has run slightly as if she’d been crying.

“Hey, are you okay?” You try softly, but Regina is shaking too much to respond. You crouch down to her level and try and meet her gaze.

“Where are Gretchen and Karen?” You ask. From what you can tell, they’re nowhere in sight and you can’t hear their chipper voices up ahead.

“They went on ahead.” She answers, her voice barely a whisper.

She glances over at the next tunnel, you can tell because her head torch illuminates the passage. It’s tight. Possibly the hardest one to get through so far. You move to look through and see another chamber with specks of light. This must be the final challenge.

“I’m pretty sure this is the final tunnel. I can see the light on the other side.” There’s no response from the blonde, she must be really scared.

Why did Karen and Gretchen just leave her like this? You know you wouldn’t have. Did Regina ask them to go ahead so they didn’t see she was this afraid? She doesn’t hide her fear in front of you, she eats with you and she laughs and plays geeky games with you. You guess she only agreed to go through to protect her reputation, it seems more than its worth keeping up her act.

“I can go first, then you follow and I’ll pull you through so you’re out quicker.” you say, standing to walk over to the tunnel and offering her your hand.

“Please don’t! you’re going to leave me here.” She cries, her lip is trembling. You wish you could comfort her better but you’re not sure what she’ll allow and you don’t want to push your luck.

“Regina, I promise I won’t leave you. I’ll crawl through and pull you out the other side. You just have to follow after me, I won’t let anything happen.”

“....You promise?” She whispers.

You take one of her hands

“I promise”

Her hand is so soft, just as you’d expect. Just how you’d expect the rest of her to feel. You squeeze her hand in encouragement before you bend down to crawl through the tunnel. Once you reach the last chamber you see there’s an exit door. You sigh in relief.

“Come through now, I’m at the other end, there’s a door here!” you shout, hoping she can hear you from the other side.

You hear shuffling from the end of the tunnel and bend down, ready to pull her through. As soon as she’s in arms reach you swiftly pull her out and she lets out a shaky breath. She quickly puts her arms around your neck in a gentle hug.

“Thank you”

Her breath tickles your neck and you’re overwhelmed by everything about her. You don’t move to reciprocate the hug, you’re still understandably wary after what happened and you don’t want to do anything that’d make her let go any faster.

And then she’s gone. When you leave the final chamber you see her back with Gretchen and Karen, subtly wiping her eyes to make sure nobody sees her smudged makeup. It’s impressive how quickly she can recover and put her mean girl act back on. You wonder how long she’d had to wear that mask.

You head back to the campfire pit for dinner, but you don’t bother going to eat anything. Regina had said she wanted dinner with you again. You couldn’t shake the thought that it felt like a date, but you couldn’t let yourself think like that. Regina had Boyfriends, and had already bullied Janis for her sexuality. You had to be more careful.

You wait for about 30 minutes after dinner at the campfire pit has ended. Regina doesn't show up. That serves you right for thinking Regina even thought of you as a friend, let alone thinking of your secret dinners as a date. You’re just there for her convenience.

You feel a squeezing sensation in your chest. Why did you let it bother you this much? You decide you need a distraction so go to the river close by the camp and ask one of the instructors if you can borrow a canoe. You’e allowed but you have to sign the boat out and make sure it’s returned within 3 hours. That’s fine, you want as much time away from the cabin as you can. Away from Regina’s stuff, away from her sweet vanilla scent, away from her giggle that still felt like it was trapped between the walls, away from Regina.

You take the Canoe to the edge of the river and lower it in, you hop down into the small boat and pick up the oar ready to set sail.

“Hey, what the fuck?” you hear a familiar voice yell.

All of your resolve to forget about her disappears when you see her at the bank, above your boat with her arms folded and one eyebrow raised. It’s intimidating.

“I saw you walk off earlier. What happened to dinner?” She scoffs “ Nobody stands me up, where are you going?”

“I didn’t think you were coming, I waited for half an hour.” you respond, you wish you could sound as confident as Regina but it just comes out as guilty, like a scorned puppy.

She drops down into the boat and sits facing you. Her eyes are challenging.

“I’m coming with you. I’m not allowed to go back to Karen and Gretchen’s cabins anyway.” That stings a little. So she’s not just spending time with you because she wants to.

“And I guess you’re not bad company.” She adds, rolling her eyes.

That makes your heart flutter and you hand her an oar and push off from the bank. You’re not sure where you’re going and Regina doesn’t really help row much. Luckily the flow of the river helps pull you downstream.

You’re not sure what possesses you but for a moment you forget who you’re in a boat with and dip your oar into the water, you pull it out fast and splash the blonde who is now looking at you with an incredulous expression.

“What the FUCK!” She screams as the cold water hits her.

You can’t help but laugh. It wasn’t a lot of water but you can see some droplets running down her cheeks. She growls in frustration and dips her hand in the river to splash you back.

You shriek at the sensation of sudden cold, but you’re still laughing. You see her lips curl in a smile too. You’re not sure if she’s laughing too or just proud she managed to get you back.

Unfortunately your oar can create a much bigger splash than her hand and this time you hit her with quite a lot of cold water to her chest, narrowly missing her face.

The look she gives you makes your knees weak and you regret the choice immediately.

Shit. You might have taken it too far.

She lunges for you, grappling for the oar. You lean left, trying to stretch the oar right out of her reach. Her body is sliding against yours, you can feel the cold patch where the water soaked into her top. Her face is millimeters from yours and you glance down at her lips. If you just moved forward a tiny bit your lips would meet, she probably tastes like vanilla too. She leans on the edge of the boat, inching forwards. Everything feels like it's moving in slow motion.

The weight of both of you on one side is just slightly too much and the canoe flips, dunking you both underwater. It’s freezing and makes you gasp when you breach the surface in a state of absolute shock. Regina splashes her way to the surface beside you, she’s gasping and her eyes are wide, black mascara dripping down her face.

A giggle erupts from your lips and it's not long before it's a full blown laughing fit. Regina giggles too, its a loose and carefree sound, it might be your favorite.

You swim over to her and flick some water at her, she squeals and throws some back your way. No use going easy now, you’re both soaked.

You manage to flip the canoe back over with some effort and both climb back in. You have no change of clothes and you’re both so cold your lips are turning blue so you decide to turn back.

“I’m so sorry I left you earlier. I didn’t think you were coming.” You chatter between shivers.

“I even stole these sandwiches from dinner for us, but I don't think we can eat them now.” She shudders back, pulling out two dripping wet sandwiches from her pocket. This makes you both burst into another giggling fit.

She shifts over to sit next to you and rests her head on your shoulder. Even though you’re soaked you feel your whole body heat up, especially your cheeks from the interaction. You rest your head on top of hers, surprised when she doesn’t pull away.

You make it back to the bank without going for another unexpected swim and tell Regina to go back to the cabin while you return the boating equipment. There’s no use in both of you staying freezing.

She’s already showered by the time you’re back and sitting on the edge of her bed. She gives you a shy smile and you dip into the bathroom to warm up. The water gives new life to your icy skin, as it washes down your face you can’t help but remember Regina’s soft lips just centimeters from yours. What would have happened if the boat hadn’t tipped? Probably nothing right? You’re just overthinking it.

As you start putting your pajamas on you notice your phone buzzing again. It's Janis. It’s reasonably late enough to pretend you're asleep so you swipe the screen to decline the call and put your phone in your pocket.

When you go back into the bedroom, Regina is under the covers, scrolling her phone but she sits up as soon as you come in.

“Hey, uh I wanted to say thanks for today.. you know, helping me, and I had fun.” She thinks for a moment. “Having fun with you is easy.” she adds with a small, sleepy smile.

“If I check my schedule I’m sure I can fit you in tomorrow evening.” You laugh, pretending to think over exaggeratedly.

She rolls her eyes with a smile.

“Goodnight Loser.” She yawns.

“Night Regina” You reply

Just as you’re about to lay down you hear a muffled voice from your pocket.

“What the fuck, are you talking to Regina?”

Shit.

[lamiadrowned]

hi queen! i love ur page and i have a request! could you do headcannons for vi with an extremely honest yet clueless reader, i feel like that’d be so funny like “jinx is no longer my sister” “uhhh yes she is??” anyway that’s it, thank you !! <33

*:･ﾟ✧ vi with a (slightly) airheaded girlfriend

violet x fem!reader | sfw

this is a hilarious request ugh thank you anon

first of all, she finds you so funny. especially when you aren’t trying to be.

it always leaves you stumped when you’re trying to actually correct her on something, and she just bursts out laughing like you told the funniest joke she’d ever heard.

the biggest arguments you’ve gotten into with her happen when you incorrectly correct her grammar or use of a phrase, but neither of you really have a good enough education to tell who’s right and who’s wrong, so most of your spats remain unresolved.

after all, two people who need to be right all the time are bound to bicker.

a lot of your ‘arguments’ don’t contain much bickering, though.

they’re mostly just a back-and-forth dialogue that devolves into mutual confusion and total disarray. as hardheaded as she can be, she’s also the first to admit that she doesn’t know as much as she might have thought.

you’re like her own personal fact checker! (but the facts have no backing and she just has to kind of choose whether or not to believe you).

“any updates on your sister?” you’d ask her after another long day of your respective work pertaining to jinx.

she’d spent most of the day scouring the streets of zaun for any sign of her, while you stayed in your apartment trying to piece together documents and records to track her down.

vi takes off her jacket and hangs it on the back of a chair at the dining table, which is covered in papers and blurry pictures. “as far as i’m concerned, she sure as hell isn’t my sister.”

“what?” your eyebrows furrow in confusion. “i mean, you have the same parents. how could she not be your sister?”

she immediately recognizes your tone, knowing she’d accidentally dug herself into a hole with one sentence. “i… i meant it more as a metaphor, i guess. that’s the word, right?”

you stare at her in complete silence, recalling her words and wondering if the metaphor had completely flown over your head. eventually, you shake your head and try to ignore the knowing smile on her face. “i don’t think you know what a metaphor is, hun.”

“hold on, what even is a metaphor, then?” she asks, now seeming to be just as confused as you, that smug grin now replaced with a look of total dubiety.

you lean against the dining table. “a metaphor would be comparing two things that aren’t related.”

“oh. well, there you go. me and jinx aren’t related. it is a metaphor.” she shrugs.

“you are related, though. same parents, remember?” you tilt your head. “something about biology and all that dna shit.”

she positions herself in front of you and cups your jawline with her calloused hands, tilting your head to look up at her. “it’s adorable and aggravating that you take everything so literally, you know that?”

for a moment, you totally forget what the conversation was about, given the fact that just looking into her eyes is enough to turn your brain to mush.

that is, until it finally clicks.

“oh! you’re using a figure of speech,” you wrap your arms around her shoulders, “which is not the same as a metaphor.”

then, she snaps her fingers and points at you with, smile beaming with success. “yeah! yeah, that’s it. a figure of speech. thanks, babe.”

she’s also quick to realize that you do the same to pretty much everyone else, so at the very least, she knows it isn’t targeted.

if anything, it’s free entertainment.

watching proudly as you squabble with a bartender about how a non-alcoholic drink should be called just that, rather than a teetotaler’s drink, because “90% of zaun’s population probably couldn’t pronounce that word, nonetheless know what it means,” simply because you happened to be one of the 90% who could not pronounce it nor define it.

also, she backs you up like her life depends on it, even if she didn’t hear half of the conversation, or generally have no idea what the conversation was about.

after any of your feuds with someone other than her, she’ll make a point to go up to them and respectfully throw down some corny defenses like “the misses is always right, capiche?” or “can’t really argue with that, huh?”

[simping-on-the-daily]

Claws, Katanas, Compassion and Ketamine

Summary: You were the link between Vanessa and Wade during their breakup. They get back together, creating the perfect triangle. And then Wolverine shows up too, because you totally live in a suite apartment that can fit everyone.

Notes: God I love poly, mutant!reader, gn!reader, I wrote this in one day and thirty minutes last night and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be obvious

Warnings: Gets real suggestive near the end but it's a fade to black, typical Deadpool content, from swearing to sex, reader does drugs and is very unhinged Wade’s just worse, not betaread we die like Worstie’s X-Men

The three of you ‘broke up’ in your shitty but homey apartment. Vanessa knew that her death caused Wade to try and kill himself numerous times, and dying shook her up a bit. After being rejected by the Avengers, Wade spent too much time hating himself and wondering where he went wrong, unintentionally neglecting his relationship with both of you

You were the red rope, the link, the buckle on the belt, it seemed. Shit got messy, Wade assumed too fast, but Vanessa wanted to be with you and you still loved Wade, vice versa. Vanessa tried to work stuff out herself, moving out, you stayed at the apartment, and Wade went to live with Blind Al again. You video chatted and texted everyday, and did your darndest to be by both sides.

Vanessa called you one day. She'd gotten the therapy, she said. Wanted to get back with Wade, try again at the least. You encouraged her to try and ask at Wade's surprise party, an extra present to add to the love in the late mutant’s life. Vanessa blew you kisses through the computer, and you mimicked catching them and placing the kisses on your cheek.

Then Wade got kidnapped, and came back two days later, claiming to have saved your entire universe, with some extra company.

“You must think saving the world's sexy, huh, Vanny?” You joked to Vanessa, lightly elbowing her after she and Wade made the promise attempted to try again over his second birthday dinner.

“Shut up and kiss me.” Vanessa put a finger to your chin in jest, and you accepted, embracing her with a gentle kiss to the lips.

“Already getting on it without me?” Wade interrupted, a metaphorical eyebrow raised in light-hearted query, poking in from the room you were in. Your response was simply to blow a kiss, which Wade quickly grabbed and pressed his hand against his cheek, swooning like a teenage girl. Vanessa simply giggled, and dragged you both back to join the party.

You all moved into Blind Al's apartment, in truth because you wanted to take Blind Al's coke. Wade said you couldn't, however, because that was the one thing Feige said they couldn't do. “What a pussy.” You grumbled, throwing the stash back into the floor where it belonged. And then Mary Puppins pissed on your leg, because apparently the nicest Deadpool hadn't potty trained his dog for some reason. Dick.

Oh, and the motherfucking Wolverine was here for some reason.

“Disney's gonna make him keep at this until he's 90, so we gotta give the senior citizen a house otherwise we'll get canceled for elderly abuse.” Wade 'explained’ to you in a whisper, and you nodded intently like you understood. Logan gave a middle finger in response.

He existed, that was for sure. You found him napping in the cupboard once because apparently Logan thought he was too good for the floor. He minded his business, staying out of the way. You accidentally caught him showering with the sweet smelling pink soap Wade and Vanessa shared and good god, those man’s abs were carved by Michalangelo. Fucking beautiful.

You, Wade and Vanessa sat down one night, Logan out at the bar that was full of football obsessed lunatics. And at the same time, you all spoke.

“I need that werewolf cock in me.”

“My god you guys, we need to get Peanut into bed with us, have you seen him?”

“We shouldn’t let him fourth wheel us, ask if he wants to be included.”

Vanessa glared at you both. You shrugged, while Wade did his best to look innocent.

The timing could’ve been worse, with you offering the deal with a Logan who was nearly hungover. Wade on the sofa like ‘one of those French girls’, Vanessa wore a casual hoodie with those really short shorts, and you were snorting heroin. Vanessa explained everything, and you’re pretty sure you hallucinated cartoon birdies as you spoke. Turns out, Wade did the same thing too, once. 

Logan accepted anyway, so he knew what he was going to get himself into.

Eventually, you grew to accept that Logan was a weasel, not a werewolf (which is so much cooler), and that you liked seeing him smile. Made you feel good, especially when he smiled because you were running his hands through his hair.

Like some fucked up hivemind, Vanessa and Wade shared your feelings too. However, unlike last time, Logan was the one who ‘confessed’, when the dude straight up purred in contentment when you tried to sit him down at your shitty table and well, you didn’t need to do much to gather the context as to why.

You and Logan shared the ‘Good’s Cabinet’, containing your most precious drugs and Logan’s more costly drinks, both saved for the most special occasions. You offered to take him to different bars that weren’t full of football frat-bros, and both of you found a new enjoyment in clubbing.

You would wear your best jewelry and drip, while Logan would wear an oversized jacket over his ‘wife beater’ shirt, worn over his Wolverine suit. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

“They asked for no pickles,” He hovered above you like your evil shadow clone, the worker at the front desk sweating on their head and probably under the collar.

“Haha, reference.” You jokingly poked Logan’s chest, before turning to the employee. “Don’t mind him. Never worked a day of retail in his life, doesn’t get the struggle.”

“Fuck you.” Logan added compulsory, though with the vitriol of a man whose moments of swearing have entirely lost their impact. You did get a new meal, no pickles included, so maybe the guard dog privileges are necessary.

Wade and you would often go out to the park on weekends, chilling on a bench as you gave your very persuasive remarks on all the cars Wade would sell on his job. He’d challenge you to get more ridiculous, and you'd do so with a wink and excessive references to sex.

“Get the boss to add truck nuts to all your autobots,” You suggested as you and Wade both got ice cream cones from the greatest truck of all time. “Would add some blitz to your bis, yaknow?”

“You wanna have a fivesome with our Honda Odyssey?”

“Give the objectums something good.” You shrugged, and Wade responded with a look to the audience, cosplaying as a bunch of trees in Discount Central Park.

Vanessa liked to drag you shopping, and you were content watching her search for the perfume bottles with the most ornate casing. God, she was so pretty, her hair put into that messy bun and casual dress.

“This bitch is ugly.” Vanessa said, holding up a silver bottle with a diamond bottletop. You heard a crunch, and tears quickly welled up in your eyes.

“Oh, so sorry sweetie, I wasn’t talking about you-” Vanessa held up her hands and shook them in a panic, putting the bottle back.

“It’s not that,” Your voice was barely a whisper. “I think I stepped on a ladybug.”

Vanessa looked down at the red flakes on the floor near your foot. “Sweetheart, that was an M&M.”

“Oh.” You stood there in silence for a few seconds, before turning back to Vanessa in the unnatural, freakish sort of way. “You getting anything from here?”

Vanessa smiled. “I think we should have an early lunch.” And you grinned too, as she rushed you over to the food court.

Your nights were chill nights, all four of you curled up on the bed, Mary Puppins curled beside Wade’s leg as he kept changing his position every few minutes. You would braid Vanessa’s hair as she scrolled through her phone, and Logan would lie down and accept head pats and bellyrubs with a content purr. Apparently weasels can do that.

Movie nights were great, too. Logan always got the best popcorn and you all had your designated seats. With a combination of heroin and ketamine you called ‘ketarin’, you snacked on your stash while you were all forced to share two bottles of Pepsi.

“Try it, babes,” You gestured your bucket of drugs towards Wade and Logan, the former sitting on the weasel’s lap as he tried to get comfy. “You’ll be able to smell sounds and taste colors. Stereotypical, I know, but life changing.”

Logan glared at you. “Get this fucker off me and I’ll consider it.”

“Wade, get off, I want Logan to taste my ketarin.”

The mercenary huffed in exaggeration, arms crossed. “No can do, sugar tits. Peanut here needs to learn his lesson.”

“What lesson?” You huffed. “Anyways, I forgive Logan, now get off I need him to try it.”

“He was a very bad boy today, and you know this, Y/N.” Logan rolled his eyes.

“Get off him, Wade.” Vanessa spoke in that stern voice, and even though it was not directed to you, your collar was getting hot already. “We’ll sort it out later tonight, mkay?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Wade gave a mocking salute before getting off of Logan with a grumble.

“She’ll be making ya say that seriously later, you know?” You raised an eyebrow at the mercenary, who made a heart symbol with his hands as he winked.

You thrust your special bucket towards the huge, jacked man (hehe), his demands met. Logan sighed before digging his hands in, and shoved it down his mouth.

“I prefer corn starch.”

“You fucking take that back, you little slutty shitter-”

You would’ve beaten him to a pulp for disrespecting your recipe, but Vanessa gave a mock cough, getting you, him and Wade to look at her. “Legally Blonde or Die Hard?”

“It’s August, the fuck are we suggesting Die Hard for?” You huffed, arms crossed, snatching your ketarin back.

“Yeah, too early for festive cheer, sweetcheeks. And I can’t miss out on international girlboss Ms. Woods, who do you take me for?”

“Die Hard is barely a Christmas movie,” Logan scoffed, but didn’t oppose when Vanessa selected Legally Blonde with the remote.

You all relaxed, in your own fucked up way. You and Vanessa arm-wrestled over who got to have a sip of Pepsi (she won, you were trying to hold your bucket in the other hand). Wade’s commentary was louder then the movie, causing Logan to punch him, and Wade let out a murmur of ‘harder, mummy’. You snickered at Logan’s look of repulsion and confusion, looking over to Vanessa, who was most likely the mummy in question. Unfortunately for Logan, she was going onto the balcony to let Mary Puppins piss, so he looked at you.

“Something something we’ll deal with you later, something something what would Elle Woods think?”

Wade seemed to think Elle Woods thought badly of him, standing upright and flopped onto his seat. You put your hands through Logan’s hair, watching him relax from your movement, before yelping when Vanessa came back and accidentally sat down on your hand.

“Shit, so sorry.” Vanessa gave a quick kiss to your hand, and you dramatically swooned as you watched Elle Woods be a girlboss.

“Forgiven, honeybuns, for I could never be mad at such an exquisite princess, who’s hair was made from silk that Willy Wonka once commissioned-”

“Shove your Shakespeare-ass monologues up your ass and get a room.”

Blind Al spoke up, and all four of you turned to see her standing behind you, having just come home.

“This is our room, Al,” Wade countered. “We rented it fair and square while you played poker with all the other little old ladies like you.”

“You’re early.” Logan noted, holding onto a bottle as he turned back to the television.

“Wilson’s clients took a car on a joyride and crashed into the club. Drunk on that high, I reckon.”

“Were they driving with the truck nuts?”

“How the fuck would I know, stupid?”

“Ah.” You hung your head in exaggerated shame, before Al grabbed the wall and let it guide her towards her room.

“Your clients?” You asked Wade with a raised eyebrow after she was gone.

“Karen, Kenny and Twinkletoes.” He ‘answered’. “Now, back to our regular scheduled program of Elle Woo-......and the movie’s over.”

Logan snorted, and Wade gasped, turning to face him. “I’ll have you know that it was a sacrifice I made, I tell you! I gave it all up!”

“You’d give anything up for a cornchip,” Logan shot back, but Vanessa gave a loud clap that stopped the conversation. You placed your empty bucket in the sink halfheartedly before turning to your girlfriend.

“Back to bed. We’ve got some behavior to correct.” Vanessa commanded, heading to your shared room.

“Yes, mummy.” Wade answered in his most ‘uwu’ voice, leading you to groan and Logan to shove him lightly as he followed Vanessa.

“A bit too early on the petnames, buddy.”

Wade stuck his tongue at you, and you flipped the bird before following Logan, who was following Vanessa, and Wade then followed you like some fucked up, freakish line of baby ducks crossing the road.

And you would change none of it.

[llyfrenfys]

PLEASE TELL US ABOUT Y DDRAIG TRAWS!

Certainly! I'm more than happy to oblige.

First though I'm gonna need to tldr: the history of Y Ddraig Goch before we get onto the (accidentally) canonically trans part.

A brief history of Y Ddraig Goch:

(The modern Welsh flag)

Y Ddraig Goch first appears in the tales of the Mabinogi (Charlotte Guest version) in the tale of Lludd and Llefelys where it is fighting a white dragon. The fight is also described/expanded upon in the c. 829 AD text Historia Brittonum (attributed to Nennius) - where the red dragon represents Wales and the white dragon represents the Anglo-Saxons. In the story the red dragon triumphs over the white. Of course, Geoffrey of Monmouth also covers the story c. 1136 in Historia Regnum Brittaniae in which he introduces the concept of the red dragon heralding the arrival of King Arthur.

Geoffrey of Monmouth claims Arthur used a banner featuring a golden dragon. But we also know the accuracy of Monmouth can be questionable at times. Owain Glyndŵr did use a banner with a golden dragon called Y Ddraig Aur - raised in 1401 at Caernarfon - Glyndŵr chose this banner as a nod to the supposed banner of Arthur and his father.

Later on the Tudor monarchs (being a Welsh family) adopted a red dragon on a white and green background in their heraldry. Eventually Y Ddraig Goch on a white and green background became the official badge of Wales in 1800. The design became the official flag of Wales in 1959.

Y Ddraig Traws:

Now for the thing you're all here for -

So, as outlined, the history of the dragon as a national symbol of Wales goes back a long way. If we're just talking post-1959, there's some interesting implications for Y Ddraig Goch's depiction.

This is what the Welsh flag (and Y Ddraig Goch) looked like in 1959 when it was officially adopted as the flag of Wales. It looks broadly the same as the first flag and has some common features - such as not having a penis (or, as in the correct heraldic terminology - a pizzle). Meanwhile, in the arms of the Tudors (specifically Henry VII)

(Tudor dragon with pizzle) vs (dragon on the flag of Cardiff - pizzleless)

the penis is almost always included. So much to the point that the present royal family still includes the penis. While pretty much 0 depictions of the dragon in Wales include a penis. So you could interpret this as the dragon is seen as male only by the British royal family and as female everywhere else (which kinda implies that at some point the Tudor dragon had an mtf transition in Wales and she keeps getting misgendered by the royal family every time she is depicted in (mostly) England).

So much to the point that in 1995 this pound coin was made by the Royal Mint featuring the pizzle on the dragon with all four feet touching the ground as opposed to standing up (passant rather than rampant).

But in Wales you'd be hard pressed to see a pizzled dragon anywhere. Ergo, we can only conclude Y Ddraig Goch is trans and she transitioned in Wales and keeps getting misgendered in England.

[note: This is mostly tongue in cheek - but I do think it's fun to extrapolate that the Welsh dragon is trans because of the differences in depiction between Wales and England. Like many things Welsh, it is misrepresented by England and the idea of the Welsh dragon being misgendered only in England is, I think, a good metaphor for a whole lot of English treatment of Wales.]

Unrelatedly, there is a gay Welsh flag held at the National Museum of Wales which has a very wonky dragon which I find very endearing.

(cleaned up version I made)

So much so I made it an emoji in my Welsh bilingual LGBTQIA+ Discord (requirements for joining are - be 16+, either speak or are learning Welsh and identify as LGBTQIA+ in some way. Dm for link!).

(triaist ti 'you tried' emoji)

~ Completely unrelatedly ~ never forget the time someone was trying to homophobic to me by suggesting that I was disrespecting all the soldiers who died 'for the Welsh flag' by making it rainbow colours and not red - arguing that any change of colour of the dragon was disrespectful. Reader, my bus pass at the time for Mid Wales Travel had a purple dragon on it.

[hellonearthtoday]

outsiders red dead AU I'm actually crazy about

here's johnny and pony in the au I literally beamed my vision onto my screen like no one's business. anyway AU rambling in the undercut. if you even care

OOOOKAY I'm seriously crazy about this. I need whoever's reading this to LOCK in. Gangs in red dead are just that, but the difference between theeir 1960s counterparts is that they're far less restricted. Because it's the 1800s.

There's a variety of gangs, but the Curtis gang are tighter knit and don't just let anyone join. And by that I mean they haven't opened applications in like 1 gazillion years because they all met when they were young so they're locked in 4 lyfe and don't really trust anyone else because it's actually crazy out here. everyone and their mama has a gun it's like 10x more dangerous to trust the wrong mf also because it's literally the 1800s everybody is wilding

Shepard's gang is also real here and they're a lot more fucked up and evil than Curtis's, but they're also just a lot, lot bigger and have a lot more mouths to feed.

misc facts I don't care to weave into something comprehensible:

- the gang forces Pony to wear his bandana near constantly because he's like the one member of the gang that doesn't have metaphorical chains around their wrists locking them into being an outlaw until they die

- Ponyboy and Johnny's horses, while more drawn to their owners, trust PB and Johnny an equal amount which means they can just switch horses whenever. It's free horse. The rest of the gangs horses are more accustomed to their one rider. Dallys' hates literally everyone. Even Dally. but he's a really good horse to have in a shootout, and Dally likes him.

- Soda loves his horse so bad and he refuses to take him on any real dangerous expeditions. He rides with Darry and his shire horse in those events

- Soda's horse is also the most pampered. And Extremely spoiled

- Two-bits horse has tried to eat his hat on more than five occasions

- Even though they seldom ever have access to one, Steve is a FREAK about automobiles. They're pretty new to the region but if there's ever a chance to get ahold of one in a heist Steve is risking it all to get his hands on one. Even if they don't keep it for long (because it's kind of inefficient in their situation) Steve just likes taking them apart and putting them back together

- Steve's horse hates anything with wheels. inconsolable

- Steve has to ride several paces ahead or behind whenever they're traveling with a wagon because of this. He tried getting another horse at one point, but Idiot (Accidentally named) the Horse wouldn't leave him alone and no other horse liked him.

- Ponyboy used to want to participate in more of the gangs work, but as he got older, the less it appealed to him. Even if he was raised on it

-The Curtis parents unfortunately died a little earlier in this. Darry was seventeen.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm IWTV-wank-avoidance-asking Anon and it kinda missed me that it would be a wanky topic lol I was trying to see if the show is worth watching. A lot of my mutuals are posting IWTV gifs so I assume it's good, but I was curious if anyone who read the novel would think "Better read the novel". I don't realize an asking-for-rec ask would be wanky, but now that I think about who the writer is, it kinda makes sense. My bad lol

--

Ahahahaha.

Around here, I don't think anyone is precious enough about Anne Rice to start the genuine version of this wank, but Rice fandom can be... uh... very intense even on top of Rice herself having been the queen of drama.

You know about Red Beans Anne Rice, right?

Many years ago, Anne got all butthurt about a tacky-ass restaurant taking over an abandoned building that she'd had Lestat being emo in in one of the books. Instead of gothic atmosphere, it was now very PINK and LOUD. So she wasted money taking out ads in the local paper as Lestat trying to shame the restaurant owner... at which point a bunch of other restaurant owners also wasted money to respond in newspaper ads saying that they welcomed fellow businesspeople. It all ended in the restaurant's grand opening and people with plates of "Red beans Anne Rice" (i.e. red beans and rice).

--

Anyway, I read the first book back in the 90s when I was like 15. It's decent from what I remember. The thing that made it iconic when it came out in 1976 was that it was pretty heavily pushing the vampire=drug addict metaphor. This is everywhere in sexy goth sadboi vampire media now, but it wasn't as much of a thing at the time.

It was also very, very gay but in that way where (at least in the first book), nobody really says the word. That meant something in the 70s. Even by the 90s, it wasn't such a big deal, and it's a big nothingburger in the 2020s.

Book 1 is Rice dealing with the death of her child. It's all about suicidal feelings and Catholic weirdness. The main character is Louis, a.k.a. Rice's self-insert (which she confirmed herself).

Books 2 onward are about Lestat's dick.

He becomes a rockstar, vampire-bones the ur vampire, which causes him to mega level up, thus enabling him to thwart her plot to kill all men on earth aside form a few for breeding purposes, bodyswaps so he has a working penis again, fucks a nun, swaps back, gets Louis back by trying to commit suicide and accidentally getting a tan, etc... Much, much later books are about the other bonkers vampires, most of them more in the horny rockstar mold than the sad mommy of dead baby one.

In book 1, Louis is a depressed plantation owner who eats a bunch of his slaves among other fucked up shit. Claudia, their vampire daughter, is a small child who is upset about being stuck as a kid forever. One of the more disturbing parts is when Louis finds out she's fucking adult men. Lestat turns out to be a French nobleman with mommy issues despite Louis thinking he was only pretending to be upper class.

-- The TV series moved the entire plot much later in history, made Louis black, and gave him a spine. Some racists cried about this and some of tumblr cried about how it was offensive to take the plantation owner and make him black instead of doing that with the other one.

The show also made it more overt that Lestat is an abusive jackass boyfriend. This apparently came as a surprise to people with poor reading comprehension. Others have wanked about fans still liking Louis/Lestat instead of Louis/less terrible boyfriends. But... like... It's IWTV. What did they expect?

(So yes, some book fans will be immensely wanky about the show. Ignore them.)

Also, I hear they fuck on the show? Rice's vampires don't have working junk, which we know because Lestat stands in front of an entire wall of mirrors in the most bougie bathroom ever in Akasha's evil lair and discusses how his penis—I mean "The Organ"—no longer does anything.

Also, Armand in the books is the 14-year-old kept boy of a Renaissance painter with a harem of boys or something like that. (It's been a very long time since I read these.) Shit like this never makes it into the adaptations.

--

If you're curious about the history of vampire media or about a certain kind of Southern gothic shit, sure, read the books, particularly the first one with its radically different tone and much greater historical importance.

The old movie is a decent adaptation of book 1, though it makes it less gay (or at least removes Louis' weird boner for his dead brother) and messes with the ending in a way that would have made sequels veer off from the books. I haven't seen that other old movie with Aaliyah, but it looks like a campy time capsule of baaaad movies of that era.

Anyway, no, you don't need to read the book before watching the show. They changed a massive amount of stuff.

I'm in more of a Chinese media phase right now, but a bunch of friends have watched and said the show is genuinely good.

[earthlyruins]

"beauty and the beast au where zoro's the beast and sanji's—" okay sure yeah but what about when sanji's the beast and zoro's the beaut.

zoro's good with kids and good with math. we've seen this. we've experienced it. he play fights with the kids regularly and helps out with stocks and sales of local shops

think of link twilight princess... big brother swordsman

also better than All of the knights in the village. this includes a very certain red, blue, and green haired trio. they're all very bitter about it. among other things

zoro's also the only person to ever use three swords so like. there's that. everyone thinks he has a few screws loose. he doesn't. or so he proclaims

insert kuina backstory... he makes a promise to himself to become the greatest swordsman in the world. it's just that he's, in a word, broke. and also a little sentimental but don't let nami hear him say that

judge is the head of this mini military and is very adamant on trying to recruit zoro to siege the palace on the hill. for Some Reason.

nami conspires with zoro that it's because he has some long lost enemy up there. Little Does She Know

meanwhile sanji lives alone in the castle, cursed. but not in the way you'd think. rather than a hulking beast, he's pretty much the same if not for the fact that he has a helmet on his head. thanks, dad.

thinking about the rest of the straw hats being little dancing singing objects. that was more or less an accidental side effect of the curse (sanji took off his helmet once, and it knocked luffy into a candle and ussop into a clock and well.)

he's slowly starving (hence why he tried to take the helmet off). the cook who cannot taste his food. throw in a wilting rose metaphor and when the last petal falls is when he dies

fortunately he has an old man by the name of zeff who literally won't let that happen. also all his friends that will fight death to keep sanji kicking

quite literally in some cases

so that's why when nami goes missing trying to explore the mysterious castle and zoro immediately goes to follow her, zeff practically knocks down his door to set the fear of god in him

too bad zoro doesn't believe in any god

but hey fine he won't hurt the creature in the castle. creature. period. zeff hits him over the head with a baguette

zoro finds nami and also sanji. decides in a split moment to announce he'll trade places with her. she is sitting on a couch. unharmed. she wouldn't have Been harmed. nami proceeds to call him a fucking idiot

sanji laughs at him, and zoro refuses to leave out of spite. he learns that sanji is a priss and a prince or sometimes a princess depending on the day, that he has a brilliant passion for cooking (whose skills are similar to a certain chef back in the village), and that when he laughs, zoro finds himself laughing too.

discovers sanji's dream of the all blue, and zoro finds himself telling sanji about his dream of becoming the greatest swordsman, of wado, of kuina

and eventually, Eventually, he finds out the details of sanji's curse. why he sometimes can't dredge out the energy to get out of bed (and why it's getting more and more frequent these days), and why he can't take off that helmet when the key is right there. and what the flower is all about.

proceeds to Book It when sanji tells him about judge and his brothers. except he doesn't tell sanji this, so sanji is sitting around in the castle, heartbroken and wondering Why he's heartbroken, while zoro is marching back to his village, Pissed

zeff pulls him aside though and they go and find reiju after zoro tells him that sanji's condition is worsening

zoro comes Back but this time with sanji's real dad and sister in tow and after a lot of tears and yelling (at zoro) ((and zeff)) (((then at zoro again))) they devise a plan on how to take judge down.

zoro plans on beating up ichiji niji and yonji simultaneously which sanji disagrees with. specifically because he wants to be the one to kick niji into next week

yadayadayada insert fight scene bc this is already ungodly long and judge gets exiled and imprisoned. niji gets drop kicked. the helmet comes off just as the timer runs out (thinking that the only way it could come off was to not only have someone fall For "the beast" but to have said beast love himself too. which zoro did. #love)

happily ever after. sanji eats and cooks and zoro fights and they take care of each other and find all blue. okay goodnight

[frangipanilove]

This is not a drill; the kissy episode is the most Bethyl episode ever😱😱😱

And Greenland = Green(e)land CONFIRMED

(Massive spoilers for TBOC 2X2 below, proceed with caution)

Guys! As we all know by now, Paramount+ France accidentally released all the episodes at once, and naturally the internet did what it does best, meaning it preserved them for eternity. They’re floating around out there, and I’ve watched 2x2. That’s the dreaded episode with the D@rabelle kiss, and guys! It’s literally the most Bethyl episode I’ve ever seen. I’ve written in other posts how I expect season 2 to be full of Beth callbacks and dialogue parallels, and boy howdy did 2x2 ever deliver!

First, for some context, I wrote a speculation-post a few days ago about Carol and Ash making a stopover in Greenland, or Green(e)land as I’ll demand it be called from now on. Read that for full context, because I can’t be bothered repeating myself. Let's just say my speculation was rather precise on this particular occasion.

I expected to hear Beth dialogue parallels and see Beth callbacks, and that’s exactly what we got. The Greenland stopover was nothing but a long series of dialogue callbacks to 4x12 Still and 4x13 Alone! In one of the reviews that came out before the premiere, it was described as "bizarre", and that caught my attention, because that normally means it does nothing to drive the narrative forward, which usually means it is included purely for symbolism purposes. And that's exactly what we got. A truly bizarre story, with crazy amounts of symbolism.

So, in episode 1, we saw Carol and Ash plan on making a stopover in Greenland, to switch out the ethanol tanks.

Ethanol/alcohol is a metaphor for a cure/resurrection in TWDU, and I’ve written countless posts on it, here's my latest. One of the reasons I refuse to leave it alone is because Beth is right in the center of this symbolism due to episode 4x12 Still, in which “Still�� is a reference to “distillery” a place for the production of ethanol/alcohol.

Also, Beth is known to enjoy a drink or two, and she made getting drunk her entire purpose for living in Still. The girl is pretty much the queen of alcohol/ethanol at this point, and remember in TWDU, that’s a good thing, as it is directly tied to a cure/resurrection. It represents surviving.

Ok, back to Carol and Ash. They land on Greenland/Green(e)land, having some issues with a fuel leak. It needs to be fixed. They immediately run into two survivors, climate scientists, who have been stuck there since the fall of civilization, and one can safely say the isolation hasn’t done them any good. A bit on the crazy side, both of them.

Ash and Carol return with them to their research station, and from there on out it’s absolutely MAYHEM in terms of Beth callbacks and dialogue parallels. The French subtitles are in white, the red is my English translation as the dialogue was spoken in the episode:

Right off the bat; "home sweet home".

In 4x12 Still, which is a reference to a "distillery", meaning a place for the production of alcohol/ethanol, Daryl explained that his father used to have his own moonshine distillery. And interestingly, so did the crazy scientists on Green(e)land:

The Greenland scientist explain that they distill their own Aquavite (and for anyone who is still undecided on the hypothesis that alcohol represents a cure/resurrection, "Aquavite" is a Norwegian/Scandinavian liqueur, the name translates to "water of life"):

Then we immediately turn to drinking, as you do:

...they pour drinks...

Carol likes Aquavite about as much as Beth likes moonshine, meaning not at all...

They start off amicable, and say "skål" which means "cheers" in Norwegian...

There are references to games...

...then things start to go slightly sideways...

Meanwhile, Ash is on his way back to the plane with Crazy Scientist #2. There's a reference to something or someone "nuts"...

...and something or someone beautiful:

In the beginning of the episode we see Laurent gift Daryl a hand carved dog he has made. Dogs are Sirius symbolism and represent resurrection/return/coming back (I've written tons of posts on why it is so, but long story short; it refers to Sirius the Dog Star that disappears from the nightsky only to return some time later):

Later, we hear this:

Carol insists on going looking for Sophia (meaning Daryl) alone, and demands Ash stay in place to watch the plane. If she's not back in two weeks he should leave without her, she says. Ash's response:

Guys! I know we aren’t thrilled about the kiss. I’ll briefly give you my interpretation of it, perhaps it can be of help, although of course this is just my subjective meaning.

The kiss makes a little more sense in its full context of the episode actually, at least to me. My interpretation is that this is very much also about Laurent. Daryl is shown to be seriously bonding with Laurent, and I’m not saying he doesn’t also like Isabelle, but it’s definitely a package deal for him. Daryl is drawn to the three of them as a family unit, more than just to Isabelle as an individual, in my opinion.

I think he’s just desperate for companionship and a healthy relationship with a decent kind adult. And I’m not saying that to minimize Isabelle in any way, but that’s the vibe I’m getting. They’re not star crossed lovers, they’re two lonely adults who desperately seek some kind of meaningful connection. And I don’t want to ridicule or minimize that, that’s a perfectly valid motivation for a relationship, and I believe it can work out wonderfully. But yeah, it’s not primarily about love and lust, imho.

And think about it! This is Daryl’s first onscreen kiss! TPTB absolutely knew it was going to break the internet as well as people’s hearts. They knew this episode would be scrutinized under a microscope! Why in gods name would they throw in all these super specific Beth callbacks and dialogue parallels in such a massively important episode for Daryl, the episode they knew EVERYONE was always going to absolutely ruthlessly dissect?

It’s because Beth’s the real story here. And I keep saying, that whatever happens between Daryl and Isabelle, it is always on some level commentary on Bethyl. I wrote about it here, and we see it more than ever in this episode. I wrote that I expect the Beth-proxyness (which I maintain is totally a word) of Isabelle is going to be turned up a couple of notches this season, and that is truly what we're seeing.

I’ve only talked about Green(e)land and the Carol/Ash storyline in this post, but I could easily do a similar one where I point out all of Daryl and Isabelle’s Beth callbacks and dialogue parallels, because there were tons of them.

Cheer up, friends, I think this season is going to be fun for us!

[threepandas]

Bad End: Traps

"Darling~!" A rich voice greeted me, as I stepped through the final doors leading to an opulent office. "You're looking better! Are you finally adjusting to the anti-poisons? I know they made you feel quite sick."

THAT was an understatement. Try worst cramps and fever of my life, with a dose of puking for days. They put me on IVs. Buuuut? I wasn't gonna say THAT. Not a chance in hell. We, team Earth that is, were supposed to be here for DIPLOMACY. So? Fucking LIE~☆

Yep! "Bit" sick. Just a touch. Hardly noticed, really. Took a nap.

Veneni laughed, rising from the elegant sprawl she'd been resting on one of her "not called couches but totally are" things. To be honest, her voice reminds me of those old "radio stars" from the clips at the museums. All smooth yet husky, curling around you, like they're going to invite you somewhere dark to learn a naughty little secret if you're very VERY good.

Kind of voice you could listen too for HOURS, reading the most boring shit imaginable, and it be the best time you'd had in years.

I am... SO gay, for Veneni.

Like? You DO NOT UNDERSTAND. She SASHAYS. Not walks. Not strolls. Sashays! Like life is a catwalk and she is the alpha bitch here to show these other models how it's DONE. But also? Like she doesn't even NOTICE! It's just... effortless. How she moves. All delicate hand motions and rolling hips and curves.

That I Can Not Touch because she is SUUUUPER poisonous.

Which is? Frankly? Homophobic and a crime against me, specifically. Yeah, her whole species is like that. And it's why all of us are suffering through the Anti-poison adjusters. But STILL! I can't even "accidentally" brush her hand? No potential kissing of hot hot hot alien gf? Illegal. Blocked. Everyone here is a bastard and I want to complain.

.....not, mind you, that I have the metaphorical lady balls to actually CONFESS anything.

But you know... maybe.... maybe if I pine hard enough?

Good ol' stand awkwardly nearby and mentally project "NOTICE ME SEMPAI!" At her? I put on my nice outfit! Makes the girls look-! Wait, does her species even give a shit about boobs? FUCK. Okay, see this? THIS is why I was a flight assist. Just inventory and handing stuff to people who knew what they were doing.

MASTER of the fine arts of "I Can Understand The Instruction Manuel, In Case Of Emergency"!

Pretty good at coffee, too. Not to brag.

But, like? Jokes aside? Things had been... Bad.

Everything had gone to shit. Then somehow found a shovel in the manure pile and started digging. Started OUT okay! Really, it had! Travel was unexpectedly a bit rough. Some sort of space storm that went RIGHT over my head, but we dodged every major catastrophe. Got here in one piece.

There was a fancy meeting party. Whiiiich? In hindsight? Terrible idea. WAY too many people with hella poisonous skin, standing WAY too close. Only reason we didn't IMMEDIATELY lose the head diplomate? Was the regulation "new planet, unknown pathogens" full body biosuit. He? Got a HUG. Like... right out the ship.

Oof. That would have been IT, for him. Unfortunately, he didn't make it past that much longer. Someone's pet bit him. And? Yep. Completely fucking venomous. Lethally so. A tragedy, right? Outlier, surely?

Ha!

No. No this planet was trying to fucking kill us. It was a toxin coated hellpit and had so far? Murdered just over half the diplomatic crew. Those that were still alive? Over half of THEM were in emergency care. With just over a forth of the OTHER survivors being the only ones who could safely care for them.

Rest of us were either in isolation or sick as FUCK.

Isolation for those who needed to get rescued, because the Anti-poison adjusters would fucking kill them. Or sick as hell, for those few who remain that finally, FINALLY had found a way to Not DIE.

ALL WHILE PEACE TALKS WERE TRYING TO HAPPEN.

It was a shit show~☆

I? Went from basically a nobody? To "congrats! By merit of NOT being dead or dying, you're the head diplomat by proxy!" Which? Fucking WHAT? You could physically SEE the stress radiating off the poor guys back home, as they tried to speed run me through "how to not Accidentally A War 101".

I was pretty sure his cup, did in fact, NOT contain coffee. But I wasn't telling.

Instead, I got the honor of carrying the video call. Literally. Since our tech was incompatible. I got to carry the whole set up. Portable battery included. So the ACTUAL Really, Actually, Trained In Diplomacy, Diplomat could call in. And then I could look pretty and nod seriously at the appropriate times.

Mmmmhmmm. Yes. I agree. I both understand what is being said, AND support Earth's position on these matters! I have definitely studied the materials. Am supposed to be here. We have DEFINITELY suffered no catastrophic loses, pay no attention to the chaos behind the curtains! Diploooomacyyyyy....

God, she is pretty.

Watching her smile, her sensors gently shift around her like flowing water, the way her hand delicately gestured as she spoke? I... I wanted to build her, like, a cabin or something. Bring her breakfast in bed. Maybe adopt an alien dog together. And like? I don't even KNOW how to build shit. But, fuck it. I'd learn.

Cause I mean... you KNOW you got it bad, when you look at Toxic Super Hell the planet, look at pretty lady, look BACK at the planet that in no uncertain terms ACTIVELY thirsts for your blood... and go?

"So when do I move? Feeling REAL patriotic for my new home! Wooo, New Home!"

Yes I have a problem. Shut up, I'm aware.

A quite click signaled the end of their talks. Finally done for the day. I definitely, in now way shape or form, perk up like an excited puppy hearing the word "walkies". Because that? THAT would suggest I had WAY more dignity. I am a thirsty, thirsty bitch, okay? SO PRETTY. Nice laugh! Calls me Darling!! I have a LIST!!!

"Mmmm, what an unpleasant man that was. Did something happen to Mr. Ho?" She asked, stretching in the slow rolling way of hers. It looked boneless and decadent. REALLY distracting. "I hope nothing Serious~. We were nearly on the cusp of getting you home! I do hope he gets well soon. But, ah~, where ARE my manner today, Darling? You must be starving!"

Veneni sweeps forward to tuck my arm in hers, pulling me against her side. Even through my biosuit and her modest dress... I... I can FEEL her body heat. How soft and warm she feels pressed close against me. She smells tingly and spiced, kinda like citrus and mulled cider. NOT! That I'm smelling her! WHICH I'M NOT!! Because that would be so, SO creepy! It's just-!? You know-?! AaaaaaAAA???

She guides me to our little table. Probably set up for guests in general. But... you know... kinda like to THINK of it? As ours?

I REALLY need to stop while I am ahead. Good fucking gods. Ignore me.

Mmm, yes, distraction cake! Let's talk about THAT instead! Wonder what she-? I then choked on my drink. Because... because after bringing out the usual traditional deserts of she was teaching me about? And dishes I could try? Veneni... c.. casually as you please rests her chin, propped up on one hand, then reaches out with the other... to place it on my hand, which rests on the table between us.

Hear that? That's my soul screaming at a pitch only dolphins can make.

OH MY GOD.

I'd like to say? I don't immediately embarrass myself? But that's a lie. I make a wheeze reminiscent of something dying horribly. Against all odds. She is NOT immediately disgusted and done with me. Dear lord, my parents may actually have a chance at seeing me married! Holy FUCK.

Wait. No. Slow your roll.

SMILE first. We GOT this! Seduce her!

I open my mouth... and stupid fell out. FUCK.

"Calm yourself, Darling!" She laughs, the bemused fondness lighting up her face. "You hardly need to impress ME! Believe me. I knew you were mine the second I saw you. Nothing could possibly change that~"

Her cute fangs catch the light, deadly sharp. Her's is a predatory species. I wonder if they like social touch? Cause I REALLY want to cuddle. Hold hands. Touch. Ooooother stuff~ But! Mostly the Hold Cute Alien GF! Assuming that's where this is headed. Please GOD let that be where this is headed!

"I was thinking... and I don't want to be too forward, of course," oh god please do "and I hope I'm not interpreting things incorrectly!" You are not. Take me you magnificent, purple, high femme queen amongst the masses. "But... I would VERY much like to... get to know you, Darling. On a more... personal level...?"

I kept my lips pressed desperately together to keep from literally shouting the word "Yes" in her face. Be cool. BE COOL! We are both cool and Very Normal About This! Scream in incoherent joy later!

Y..Yeah! Sounds great!

This is the best day of my-!

An explosion shook the biodome. While the whole planet WAS toxic as fuck? There were levels to it's toxicity. Some places too much for even native life forms to handle. And, of course, no place that non-natives could safely survive. Thus the capital's biodome. Highly filtered air, earth, and resources. Built for diplomacy and several critical care hospitals.

Now under attack. Another bomb exploded. Cracks in the dome.

I could only stare in mute horror at the pillar of smoke. Because... Because that was the isolation area. Our evac's. Someone just blew up... Then my brain seemed to comeback online all at once, as adrenaline flooded my system. I looked between the still unpacked call system and Veneni.

A piece of tech or a high ranking, probably high interest target. My maybe hopefully girlfriend. Not really much of a choice.

Fucking LEAVE IT.

We had to go. I pulled Veneni up, told her as much. She looked so startled.

"Of... Of course, Darling. Yes. You're right. I AM probably a target, aren't I?" The thought didn't seem to have occurred to her. God, I felt like a monster having to bring such ugliness to her attention. Scaring her like this. But ignorance wouldn't keep either of us safe.

"I...I think there was a safe room?" She faltered, arms crossing almost artfully, looking so uncertain I couldn't help but want to comfort her. "But, Darling, I'll admit.. I'm.. I think I'm rather scared. Will you protect me? Stay with me? ...please?"

I couldn't help it. She looked so scared. So delicately small. I stepped forward, arms going around her. Pulling her close like I could shield her from the world. I wouldn't let anything happen to her. I promised myself. Felt her arms, a few of her sensors, desperately curl around me.

I didn't see the smile, pressed against my front. That quickly vanished as she pulled back. Nor did I notice the calm technician, hidden in the shadows of a side hall, who nodded at Veneni as I herded her to "safety". Would think nothing of how, tragically, my rooms were hit in the follow up blasts. How very lucky, that Veneni has rooms to spare. But oh~ she would not want to over step!

I don't notice a lot of things. But hey, things are great! I got a girlfriend! Or, as she likes to joke,

She Got Me.

[elasticitymudflap]

hey I know the whole 'I did not care for winter king' thing pretty much summed it up but i'd LOVE to hear what you thought of that whole fucking episode.

IT IS SO FASCINATING TO MEEEEEEE, i mean obviously a 'role swap' universe would be regardless, but beyond the surface lies a lot of hints towards reasons why this world was so different and fucked up fundamentally!! again, my big theory is that no matter what happens our simon is not going to be able to access the crown again in any universe they visit as an extension of betty's wish, so yeah winter king's ass was probably doomed the second they set their sights on duplicating the crown but also, good , because fuck that guy

one thing that stands out to me is how our simon's morals are very different and a lot stronger than wk's, especially how he very clearly doesn't wish the madness of the crown on anyone but himself, but he can empathize with other victims of the crown. throughout the entire episode he's desperately trying to get the others to empathize with candy queen's situation as someone who knows what the madness of the crown feels like and how it warps you. but also, his approach to her is so...

like he actually vibes along to her song, compliments her "metaphor", and above all BEGS fionna and wk to see her as a person who deserves compassion, patience, and understanding... something he seemingly doesn't seem to extend to himself as ice king.

but even her madness seems somewhat suspect to him - just before her musical number he seems mystified as to why the crown's madness would make pb obsessed with him, when he knows from his reality that it's marceline that she's in love with. i'd actually argue that there is a hint of distrust towards winter king that he can't quite put into words at first, but simon's self-loathing at how "functional" his counterpart is seems to counteract his instinct and so he never pries too deeply into it.

there's this interesting reaction to pre-winter king ice king that stands out to me, almost like he's confused and doesn't recognize this specific anger and wrath to be a part of his own ice king experience. our ice king seemed to be much more of a depressed and ultimately harmless nuisance than the threatening figure he appears to be in that sequence. in fact, despite the madness, our ice king is actually quite consistent in there being a line not to cross with violence: he saves finn and jake from the hitman he accidentally hired, he refuses to kill marceline and finn when the empress commands him, he's even horrified at himself in 'I Remember You' when he pushes marceline. our ice king cares infinitely more about having friends and for people to love him and understand him than he is to actively "fix" or change himself, and in the short-circuit that is his mind he always seems to find a way to redirect his 'bad feelings' into doing something fun or impulsive than to stew in anger.

and simon isn't exactly taken in by the splendor of winter king's whole thing the way everyone else is, he doesn't stop questioning how he did it. how did he supposedly "conquer" the crown through "sheer force of will", how did he manage to get the 'best of both worlds'?

except we know it's not. and the mask-slip starts pretty ominously with his insistence that candy queen's kingdom is "forbidden". he slips up just for a moment and then returns to his whimsical wizard of oz-ass persona, and he looks almost guilty for letting on that there's something wrong here that should be avoided

which is something else i'm very fascinated by: winter king's obvious hypocrisy and the awareness of his unethical behaviour. he's quite callous in performatively pretending not to remember who betty is, and then only referring to her as "the dead one". he also seems confused by simon's heartbroken reaction to this callousness, but even more so to his characterization of her as "the great love of (his) life". he obviously has some of our simon's attachments to the past and memories of people he loved, he definitely knows and loved marceline, so why is she the only person he cares about enough to make an "ice person" of? he doesn't recall betty as someone he had a great love with - though he obviously knew who she was, so does that mean he still had some kind of relationship with her?

remember, the mere notion of finding betty so he could apologize to her literally meant so much to our simon that he was able to hide his surviving research on time portals from himself inside the ice castle, long after she would have died naturally had she even survived the mushroom war. and during the bellanoche fiasco he literally staved off death from losing his magic through sheer force of will; the intense motivation to see her kept him going in a decaying 1000 year old human body long enough for him to jump right back into his research and create a time portal to her to say goodbye. that's how much she means to him.

winter king doesn't know that betty is technically still alive, or how our simon was freed from the crown's curse. he simply offers simon a solution to reuniting with someone who he loved who is dead, without knowing how very different our betty's situation is. and that solution is to make an ice-person of that person from the time you loved them, even though you know it's "unethical".

... but betty being "dead" was always the case to our simon, he knew that she was dead because of course she was, it was hundreds of years in the future! but there was always a way back to her, and it was because of his relationship with one miss betty "ancient magic was my major" grof that he had this plan ready at his fingertips

so i think maybe either this world's simon didn't have a very strong relationship with betty, or he did but he had some reason to write her off as 'dead forever' and throw away the prospect of ever seeing her again. it's interesting that despite writing betty off, ice king's obsession with bubblegum persisted as a point of his madness and transferred to her, when even our ice king still cared a lot about "weird lady", though he didn't know who betty was.

in any case, he dismisses the subject very quickly with "jokes" that creating an ice person of someone you cared about, who died, would be unethical. and yet...

this, too, is very interesting to me. little ice marcy has marceline's actual axe bass, the axe which hunson brought with him to ooo after simon summoned him to take care of marceline when he had to leave her - marcy converted it into a bass herself of course. and the two definitely met and stayed alive together when marcy was a child

i've seen people theorize that marcy died in this memory here, but considering the presence of the axe i'm honestly not so sure. i mean, she grew up enough to gain and convert the axe to a bass, maybe she died of old age as a half-demon and never turned into a vampire? except that non-vamp marceline from farmworld seemed to still be kicking, what would an extra 12 years be to someone like her?

despite simon's pleas for fionna not to hurt candy queen and for them to help her, winter king INSISTS that she can't be helped, and that the only solution is for fionna to "knock her out", not kill her, because he would lose his conduit for the crown's madness and so this cycle will continue forever. winter king seemed committed to keeping the secret of how he "conquered" the crown, and who he hurt to manifest this reality of his, only to reveal it supposedly when simon was infected with the crown's madness again.

so why did no one stop winter king for 100 years? finn wouldn't have been born yet, but surely marceline, if she were vamped up and aware of what winter king had done, would try to stop him? but there's no sign of her in this world... save for her one possession we know she had later in her life, in the hands of an ice clone of her, frozen at a time in her life when she still loved simon unconditionally.

... i'll leave you with one VERY interesting production note steve wolfhard posted today about the blade he gave fionna, because it implies that even beyond this simon lacking some integral part of what makes him himself, the madness of the crown wasn't completely absent the way he'd thought it had been, so even in the end it wasn't a "perfect" solution to the madness.

[punkeropercyjackson]

I've never liked 'positively masculine' 'slutty bisexual' Percy because Percy's always been so transfem-coded and that interpretation strips her of it pretty much entierly

She defies traditional manhood as an overarching trait of hers as proof she's the best greek hero ever and it's a direct plot point in the book where she enters puberty,by proving herself as completely unlike cis men to an archaic group of lesbians that're a group set to protect young girls against older men and Percy falls under a victim of them like them since literally every older man in her life except Beckendorf abused her and Percy's potrayed as and written as not a normal cis man throught not only in The Titan's Curse but in the entire saga as a whole.Her gender presentation is neutral and her boldness,emotional strength,snark,respect for women with her mama most of all and nurturing protector tendencies aren't masculine and only thought of as such due to sexism and she insults men for being overly masculine,particularly older men thanks to her trauma,and is enchanted by and loves women for being feminine and is also enchanted by girlhood as a whole and was jealous of Thalia for her specific girlhood in TTC because she wanted to be seen as and treated the same as her and they're depicted as two sides of the same coin who clash but learn to understand eachother and become basically siblings/sisters and Thalia is punk,a historically inherently transgender subculture,and Percy is too but she dosen't have the aesthetic and it only adds to her (gender) envy and the kicker is Thalia is a dead ringer for irl punk/alt transbians

Percy's lack of masculinity is also commented on/confirmed by two canonical queer characters-Piper,a sapphic butch who described Percy as 'unimpressive' in terms of mascness and brought us accidental meta commentary with her remark that everybody at Camp Half-Blood percieved Percy as a lot manlier than she actually is,and Nico,a gay boy Percy met in the egg metaphor Pjo book that developed a crush on her out of idealizing her as an ideallic she isn't nor wants to be and the crush in question is textually the one thing stopping them from having the familial best friendship they desperately crave with eachother as it ruins their dynamic and he eventually stopped and looked at her for who she actually is and realized she's 'cute but not his type' and only then were they Nico and Percy,the og dead sea siblings,again and she even compared her treatment of him to acting like a mother/acting like how her own acts with her and similar to Thalia,Nico is basically every disabled goth/alt trans teenage boy ever and every single female character who's had a crush on Percy is wlw-coded(Annabeth's gncness and resistence against traditional femininity and chemistry with Piper,Clarisse and Reyna/Rachel's pretty much the 'activist art school lesbian' stereotype but that's a good thing because it's a lesbian inside joke and not a derogatory one/Calypso and Reyna's romance storylines are near textually comphet)

Percy looks exactly like her dad,Poseidon,the god of the sea,a element that holds such endless femininity to it that much like Percy herself,as the sea herself personified,is mistaken for masculinity,which is such a common eldest daughter thing and she's tall and has a big strong build and she's insecure over her looks and thinks she's not attractive enough,especially compared to others,and Circe,a trickster goddess,showed her a masculinized version of herself as her supposed ideal apperance and this is never brought up beforehand and in the very next book,the transfem Pjo book™️,Aphrodite,an actual beauty and love goddess,tells Percy she needs to stop trying to be something she's not to achive her true beauty and 'The sea does not like to be restrained' is about multiple things-Percy's oceanic heritage,Percy's anarchism,Percy's autism she dosen't know how to mask,Percy's transfeminism.Her autism/audhd reflects heavily to the common overlap between autistic women and transgender women and so does her being punk as i stated before,completed with her own unnatural colored hair streak she didn't even need to dye in and growing up almost all her friends were girls except for a gay boy and effeminate boy that got picked on for being wimpy she stood up for and she's got a special interest in the color blue,a 'boy' color usually but her love of it comes from her mom and she's scared of becoming exactly like her dad but she's more of a mix of both her parents and she loves burgers and is a horse girl and inclined to kiddy things over 'mature interests' and her default outfit is baggy pants and dysphoria hoodies and converse and she's so much like me as a black woman that i can't help but see her as that too(though i'm tmasc and she's tfem)

It's not that i'm against bi Percy or playing around with her gender presentation,it's just that Percy feels like Percy and not a completely different person when she's transfem and i love the idea of her as a bi femme instead.As somebody with a lot of tgirl friends and a trans girlfriend who used to be my best friend,the characterization and story writings surrounding fanonized bi Percy play into multiple fascests of irl transmisogynistic rethoric and it happens so often it's extremely suspicious wether it's even accidental,especially with the self-proclaimed 'queer elders' of the Pjo fandom being the biggest posters of it and the unjustified entitlement they feel to Percy crushing on their male faves who're literally her abusers.Percy deserves so much better than to be reduced down to that when she's such a good and one of a kind character and transfem Pjo fans deserve someone like her as representation too,not to be disregarded when she's so perfect for them and they've earned her after all the awful caricatures of them they've been forced to put up with.Girl(🏳️‍⚧️)Percy Jackson is just canon Percy Jackson,i've known that since i was TLT age

[wetcatspellcaster]

I saw you respond that you a very much not an SJM fan 😅 fair enough but I did want to ask what books/series you did like or would recommend that are of a fantasy/romantasy vibe!

lmfao, i am destined to become known for my parasocial enmity with the wingspan lady on this hellsite.

I don't read stuff with the same vibe as SJM all that often anymore. I used to read a lot of paranormal romance but the heteronormativity of SJM clones was upsetting me, so I've turned more towards the romance genre or just straight up fanfic these days.

So these recommendations might not be the perfect overlap but-!

Books with Fey Romances that are good

Holly Black, for all your fey needs. Tithe is the OG (and if you like sad men with white hair, have I got a blorbo for you!) but The Cruel Prince is her most popular series, that most people have read. The Darkest Part of the Forest is also an amazing standalone novel with a bit more creepiness than the other two. Not very explicit sex.

Olivia Atwater's Half A Soul and Ten Thousand Stitches are regency romance novels with fey associations, the first book is about a girl under a fairy curse and the second is about a fairy himbo trying his best at being a fairy godmother. No sex, that I can remember.

Heather Fawcett's Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Fairies. I've talked about this book a lot. If you like my fanfic, you will like this book, because this book was written for Me specifically. Not very explicit sex.

The Falconer series by Elizabeth May. This is the closest in this list to what SJM writes, only this is. um. better. Much sex, but also just... 'what if we started an apocalypse together, and the guilt meant I was scared to touch you, but we've got nothing else to live for now so why shouldn't I just do it?'

Fantasy Books with Good Romance

T Kingfisher's Swordheart and Nettle & Bone - both standalone novels. Swordheart is just Howl x Sophie dynamics, if Howl was a martial class, and also. A sword. Some sexiness.

Uprooted by Naomi Novik (if we count the love interests as both the hot sexy wizard man AND the protagonist's gal pal). Some sexiness.

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. If you like your immortal/mortal romances, this is a pretty stellar read tbh. Some sexiness.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan. This is such a fun book just generally but the slowburn of a 7 year high school romance sent me a little feral actually. Some sexiness.

Daevabad trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. Now, this one is a little bit evil bc its an epic fantasy trilogy that is quite dense, and the romance is amazing but it takes a WHILE. *I* can write an evil slowburn, but there is nothing more evil than what happened in these books bc everyone is so fucking repressed. Alternatively, The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi by the same author, which cut to the chase a lot quicker, romance-wise.

Fantasy Books that are 😌😌 sexy 😌😌

The Dark Days Club by Alison Goodman. This is my favourite paranormal romance I've read in recent years, and they don't even have sex but I'm putting it here because um. they did. to me. That's what happens when you write a regency romance where if a woman takes of a man's coat they have 37 horny thoughts about it in real time. Imagine if Darcy and Elizabeth for P&P were also fighting demons at the same time as falling in love (not metaphorically. literal demons.)

Mating the Huntress by Talia Hibbert. Talia Hibbert's books in general fucking slap but I wish she'd written more paranormal romance than just this ONE story bc um. This was. um. Good.✌️

A Marvellous Light and A Restless Truth by Freya Marske. Freya Marske is also a popular fanfic author, and it shows with the way she writes sex.

That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon by Kimberly Lemming. This author is the one who went briefly viral bc she accidentally has a book cover with Astarion on it lmao. This book was the first in that series, and unfortunately it wasn't for me (dragon shifter porn, I did *not* know going in) but the sex was really, really well-written, if that's something you could be into.

[thunderandsage]

my comprehensive star trek fic recs

(starting note: a lot of the following works contain heavy and/or uncomfortable themes, which is my preference when reading fanfiction, so just be aware of that. a lot of them are also, uh, rated E, so yea. i have no excuse for that one.)

(contains: mostly AOS with smatterings of SNW, DS9 and TOS)

EPICS/LONGER WORKS:

Don't Stop Believing by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 205,901 words, a Spock-character-study slash novel-length-epic, features Spock/Pike heavily near the beginning, explores the loss and pain after y'know losing your mother and your planet, slow-burn Spirk but GOD the slow-burn is so good, not a straightforward story as characters are capable of both advancing and regressing but this complexity makes the story more delicious, includes homoerotic piano duets)

You Don’t Have To (Say Yes) by luminousbeings (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 192,321 words, HEED THE WARNINGS, starts out as “let’s make Tarsus IV even worse” but evolves into love letter for friendship and chosen family, characters so good you want to start chewing on the metaphorical pages, Kirk as bright-sunshine-character-with-the-horrors-in-his-past who’s messed up but god he’s trying, passages in this fic permanently rewired my brain)

War Games by seperis (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 108,882 words, necessary to read You’ll Get There In The End first, very sharp and cohesive prose and plot, the romance here is pretty unconventional and “unromantic” almost but it honestly works really well, uhh main warning is that this deals with politics analogous with real-world loss of rights so it’s uncomfortably relatable but if you’re fine with that it’s a really interesting read, intrigue and action, sorta-telepath!Kirk and good Vulcan OCs)

K’diwa: A Steamy Novel of Interspecies Romance, by Jim Kirk by branwyn (Spirk AOS, rated technically E but it’s more M i feel, finished at 103,984 words, accidental romance writer Jim Kirk, Kirk-was-adopted-by-Vulcans, Academy Era, far on the feel-good and indulgent side of fic if you’re into that)

The Door by Pouxin (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 77,118 words, per the description "and alternative STID thing" with one of the most distinctive and sweet/sharp love stories, smut does feature very heavily but so does literature and messy emotions, contains my favorite version of THAT scene from STID, makes you want to annotate passages and look for parallels like in fucking english lit class again)

For the Gladness of You by kariye (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 51,055 words, non-linear narrative, Spock and Kirk both have Issues(tm), definitely a thornier read where problems don’t have clear solutions and people are messy and don’t always make good decisions, more cynical but still so good)

EPISODIC/SMALLER STORIES:

The 1,000 Hour Sleep by spqr (Spirk SNW, rated M, finished at 27,227 words, basically Jim is a secret agent for Starfleet who's treated as expendable by Command but still gets adopted by the SNW crew, good balance of action/angst and romance/pining)

This Trailer Park Is a Shithole But Goddammit, It’s Home by waketosleep (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 23,446 words, trailer park AU, Jim Kirk’s dubious adventures in growing weed and trying to avoid the law, the crackiest adaptation of st2009 you’ll ever read)

Something Smart to Do by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 21,322 words, how many times will Spock and Kirk get fake-married for missions before they admit they’re in love? the answer is too damn much)

How to Inefficiently Acquire a Human Male in 98.6 Earth Days by noodleinabarrel (Spirk AOS, rated T, finished at 30,391 words, Academy Era, Spock tries to ward off Jim's attempts at friendship but receives advice that does... not do that, romcom vibes, meddling Gaila)

Big Me (But It’s You I Fell Into) by waketosleep (Spirk AOS, rated M, finished at 38,728 words, i am entirely indifferent towards golf but this fic still slaps, feat. an oblivious jim, a low-stress but still very fun read)

knives in the water by green_postit (McKirk AOS, rated E, finished at 18,618 words, dark, mafia au, smut and violence, featuring McCoy’s sexual frustration and steadily eroding moral compass)

FEMSLASH:

encrusted gem-stuff / / of the mist by leohtttbriar (T'pura SNW, rated T, finished at 41,862 words, pon farr but it’s lesbians, beautiful psychedelic and almost surreal writing style that i want to inject into my bloodstream)

Unspoken by ThereBeWhalesHere (T’pura AOS, rated M, finished at 29,201 words, lovely AOS Uhura depiction with lots of linguistics and character depth, the path to true love is convoluted and thorny but they get there, eventually)

i cannot paint / what then i was by leohtttbriar (Kiradax DS9, rated T, finished at 15,462 words, brief Jadzia/Lenara Kahn, read if you like greek classics references, bi disaster Jadzia and gorgeous lesbian pining)

let them vie with each other by leohtttbriar (Jadzia Dax/Nyota Uhura DS9 & SNW/TOS, rated T with non-explicit sex scenes, finished at 6,215 words, a rarepair that sank its teeth into my neck, a gorgeous story that is very sci fi not just bc of the fandom but in its storytelling, beautiful science and linguistics asides, incredibly beautiful prose)

A Hermeneutics of Ass-Fucking by Alsike (Christine Chapel/T’pring SNW, rated M, finished at 5,954 words, an enjoyable cocktail of Vulcan intellectualism, crack and lesbian horniness, introduced me to Maggie Nelson’s works, also an update as this has sequels, the main being: Erotic Vulcan Love Poetry, Like a Sea Turtle to their Beach and Federation Day Festivities in Wabanaki Territory (Formerly known as Quebec), all of which are excellent)

Matchmaker of Mars by Edonohana (T’pura TOS, rated T, finished at 2,749 words, T’Pring and Uhura as 1930s scifi writers with a grudge against Campbell)

“BITE-SIZED”:

there's no such thing as a bad idea by bloodyhalefire (Spock & Bones AOS, rated T, finished at 5,114 words, giving "teenage girls talk about their crushes at a sleepover" except it's two emotionally constipated middle-ish-aged men who are drunk)

And Then I Let It Go by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated E, finished at 10,632 words, post-Beyond getting together including fake identities and agricultural work)

Any Way You Want It by kianspo (Spirk AOS, rated T, finished at 12,031 words, Spock gets offered a promotion and Jim wants to be supportive, misunderstanding ensue, slightly cracky)

Watershed Moments by battybatzgirl (Kirk & Mcoy AOS, rated N/A, finished at 9,455 words, based on that Parks and Rec episode with snake juice but it’s Chekov’s tribble juice here, everyone’s super wasted here and it’s glorious, crack)

Big Damn Heroes by waldorph (Chekov/Sulu AOS, rated E, finished at 6,821 words, Chekov character study in a "live fast, die young" type of Starfleet life, honestly just read anything by waldorph ever, swashbuckling vibes)

what is love? (no really) by serenfire (Aromantic Spirk AOS, finished at 7,534 words, read if you like disaster!Kirk and/or have a grudge against Valentine's Day, cracky)

Hallmark Moment (Here in the Morning Remix) by unveiled (Joanna McCoy AOS, rated G, finished at 3,312 words, bittersweet character study, read if you want to feel a little sad and contemplative)

the five-year mission by screamlet (Kirk & McCoy AOS, rated M, finished at 11,106 words, dark post-STID that sees what with Starfleet's militarization and colonialist undertones... y'know that's not far from the mirrorverse...)

A Monument to All Your Sins by sinestrated (Spirk AOS, rated T, finished at 9,629 words, post-STID where Kirk is ordered to retake the Kobayashi Maru, soft established relationships and musings about the nature of sacrifice/duty)

UNFINISHED:

K’oh-nar by AlexPrime (Spirk TOS, rated T, updating at 320,000 words currently, PLEASE heed the "mental breakdown" tag as it centers around severe psychically-inflicted trauma, featuring Spock’s TOS canonical self-loathing, it’s tagged hurt/comfort but the plot’s still on the “hurt,”read if you want to be stabbed by a hundred knives)

Unbody Me and Take Me Home by Gltertearz (Spirk AOS, rated N/A, updating at 27,416 words but updating, domestic fluff but there's a ghost, slowburn for both the romance and the horror)

Pinched Nerve by RookSacrifice (Spirk SNW, rated E, updating regularly at 14,776 words currently, due to varying reasons both Spock and Jim enter a corporate matchmaking program, hilarity ensues, prose is very sharp and enjoyable)

[luxury-nightmare]

inspired by nerdymixedpan on tiktok

Ranking Magnus fears by How likely I am to serve them/how freaked out I am by them (including the Extinction because I will never forget about my underrated king)

1, The Eye

How freaked out am I by it? 3/10. My sister will come barging into my room uninvited anyway so the fear of being watched doesn’t really freak me out.

How likely am I to serve it?

7/10. I listened to 200 episodes of gay people suffering. What do you think

2, The Lonely

5/10 the person who I took this idea from said it best. This is schrodinger's fear. Cause on one hand, I like being alone. I spend most of my time huddled up in my room. But on the other hand, the enjoyment mostly comes from being awful at social situations and accidentally hurting peoples feelings when I talk to them

8/10 I said it already. I already isolate myself give me the banish powers. Gentle voiced old man I’m coming for your crown.

3, The Spiral

5/10 not exactly. Honestly the thought of me being crazy is probably not my greatest fear, it’s more the system for mentally ill people. I once let a couple things slip and was taken to a mental hospital, and the only thing I could think is “is there something wrong with me?” which, in my humble opinion, is not something someone struggling with mental illness should be thinking in a place that’s supposed to help them

5/10 would I be a good spiral avatar? No. Would I leap at the chance? Absolutely. I wanna see door wife and fuckhands mcmike

4, The Stranger

6/10 I do not fuck with uncanny valley shit. 4/10 I am a theater kid, so this could be right up my alley, but all the avatars are glorified theater kids so I think I’ll pass

5, The Desolation

2/10 I was scared of fire as a kid, but that’s the extent of my fear towards it.

4/10 Fire is pretty, I like setting things on fire, and Agnes is hot (pun intended) but that’s pretty much it

6, The Corruption

5/10 sickness and illness freak me out, but I’m chill with bugs. 2/10 no

7, The Vast

6/10 I went through a huge nihilism phase in middle school so that would factor into it. Honestly having an astronomy class is not going to help with this. But lately it’s less “nothing matters” and more “nothing matters so you can fuck up as much as you need”

8/10 enjoy sky blue motherfuckers!

8, The Buried

6/10 honestly this is a new one. I like to be in small spaces, but I cannot handle caves. I think I can blame Pastra’s Ted the caver video and the lost johns cave episode for this. But also, if we think about The Buried as The Vast opposite and pulled from its more metaphorical aspects (I know the show doesn’t do this very often but bear with me) the fear that everyone depends on you and if you fuck up even slightly everyone will hate you forever? Yeah that’s me

4/10 has we ever met a buried avatar? I have no point of reference. Four out of ten

9, The Web

4/10 this is a tricky one. I’m chill with spiders but the manipulation part for me comes not from the fear that I’m being manipulated, more the fear that I’m being manipulative. That I’m tricking people into caring about me and doing what I want when I really just need to tough it out (would this feed into The Spiral? Not really, right?)

7/10 Spiders, killer aesthetic, breaking the fourth wall. Let me in.

10, The Flesh

9/10 no. No no. No no. No gross. Gross gross gross. Have you seen the episode where the guy hammers all the meat to his apartment and it’s starts to rot through the ceiling? Gross get it away from me.

0/10 no Jared I am not joining your cottagecore lesbian garden leave me alone

11, The Hunt

2/10 I feel like this one should freak me out more than it does. I live in the mountains, surrounded by wild animals, and I have terrible stamina. But honestly? It’s like Jon said. It’s natural. If I don’t bother them they don’t bother me.

3/10 I have terrible stamina. I would make a terrible hunt avatar

12, The Slaughter

5/10 I have strong feelings about war. But there less fear and more disgust, anger, and sadness.

2/10 although it would be nice to go apeshit once and a while, this is a hard no.

13, The Dark

1/10 dude I vibe with the dark. It doesn’t freak me out at all.

9/10 I am practically nocturnal. My sona is the embodiment of darkness incarnate. Hard yes. Give me the shadow powers

14, The End

6/10 honestly this feat comes from less from death itself and more what comes after, and my family’s reaction. The idea of nonexistence is terrifying and maybe there’s something worse. I watched a Scp video, I forgot the specific number, but it was an idea of what happens after death. Essentially, you stay conscious, but you cannot move, trapped in your own body feeling every slow pain of rot or cremation as your atoms split apart over millennium. So yeah, death itself is fine but everything after is scary

8/10 I’ve always had a fascination with death, not actual people dying, but the pomp and glamour we give death. Graveyards and funerals and death gods and all that jazz. Gothic stuff. Also The End is technically the only fear that can win in the long run. The End will come for us all.

15, The Extinction

7/10 Watch the news and you’ll understand what i mean. I was like 5 when I first learned about climate change and I promptly put that in a box in the back of my brain and tried to forget it ever existed.

10/10 dude this isn’t even about the killer aesthetic, this is just cause it’s criminally underrated. Extinction my fear I will be your avatar since no one else will be. Also dude it would be so easy, just send some random people inflammatory news articles, push some people into a hell dimension, and you’re done! Also if any of the other fears complete a ritual, that’s a whole ass free buffet!

TL:DR: Extinction is underrated and Hello jon. apologies for the deception, but i wanted to make sure you started reading, so i thought it best not to announce myself. I'm assuming youre alone; you always did prefer to read your statements in private. I wouldnt try to stop reading; there's every likelihood you'll just hurt your self. So just listen. Now, shall we turn the page and try again?