#which i think it actually is but thats irrelevant because the song i was seeing so many covers of in like 2018-2020 wasnt even that song!!!

[bmpmp3]

and i will say for a really. really long time. since 2018 to like. earlier this year i had assumed hated by life itself and hurting for a very hurtful pain were the same song. because they both got long titles and scrolling text in their PV thumbnails. i was really confused for like years as to why so many people were making brand new covers of this one decade old vy song. i didnt find out for a long time because i just never got around to clicking those videos orz

[aletheum-sophiagenes]

First I’d like to address this, as an author and artist~

-For the people who love the arts,,

It’s sad to read, it’s sad to see, that a lot of people, artists and audience alike. Who like, love, or do art, have seemed to have forgotten the real meaning of it.

Nothing matters in the arts, that is an undeniable truth. Whether you like it or not, art is something which knows no boundaries nor limitations. The only limits there are to art is that of the limits of your own imagination. That is the only ultimate truth.

Everything is possible within a canvas, whatever it may be that is created unto it, anything is possible in the lyric of song, may it have happened or not, and absolutely every single thing you could possibly think of, is possible in the words of an author…

You understand this, but many have brought shame in the name of creativity and art. You know who you are, those who speak of how an artist should or shouldn’t draw. Those who shame an author for writing what comes from their mind. Those who push standards and limitations as to what art should be, or shouldn’t be. You must come to the acceptance that individuality is something which runs deep within the veins of the arts. It’s its core, to express ones own inner-self, world or ideas, to express ones perception, which is a unique and an individual relationship between what stands inside and outside. Everyone experiences the world differently, in any and every possible way, thus the gift of art, the gift to be able to give life to those innerly images and emotions, is a right which we all carry, and a gift everyone can endorse in. We all are truly different, but do not be fooled.

At the same time, we are all the same being. What I am made of you are made of, perhaps we don’t share beliefs, nor looks, but that is irrelevant when it comes to matter. Whatever makes you human, so makes me human. We are human. That is undeniable, but I wanted to warn those who drown in the thoughts of individuality, for we are individuals indeed but we all share something many things in common. What is done to others is done to you. To those who limit the style, imagination or creation of others, I say,

“By putting these rules and limits to other’s work, you are indirectly and ultimately putting them on yourself as well. Burdening you to be just like any other, to dance in the halls of creation, is a choice which many are afraid to choose, because to be unique, to dare to stand out, to dare to be absolutely different, in a sea were many think something else is the greatest “way” of something, is a leap which requires faith and courage. For the road to authenticity and knowing yourself, isn’t easy, but to dance in the halls of creation, to know the extent of yourself and what you can create, is one of the greatest accomplishments a human can achieve. Happiness and Wholeness is plenty in the halls of creation, because those who leave behind restriction, and dance to the music of their hearts, will most definitely live a more happier and fulfilling life.

These words are not to meant to be hateful, nor ill willed, for all that I desire is to teach and learn, all I desire is for you to grow, find yourself, and find the key to make your life actually yours, and all I desire is for the world to come to peace and understanding. My words take them as you will, do with them as you like, but read them. I have done what I’ve had to do, I’ve shared with you my individual experience, and now it’s all up to you.

Lastly, I’d like to add a word of advice to those who wish to change things, and wish that others did things differently, the world is yours. If you think something must come to light, If you think something has to be changed or done, then do it. Don’t try to force others to do it for you, If thats what you think, and believe in, you have all the right and power to share it and make it come to life. You can find help of course, but I mean don’t try to change the world through changing others, you know how people say that “you can’t really love someone when you don’t know how to love yourself” cliche but true. Because the same saying applies in others contexts. Like this one. “You can’t really expect others to do the things you want to do, If you don’t do them yourself”. If you want to break a stereotype, indulge in freedom of self. You have all the free will to do so, but don’t wait for others to open the way for you, you can be one of the ones who opens the door first. It is scary, but at least you are harming none, and living a life which you carry in your own hands.

I know these words shouldn’t be taken lightly, for evil exists and there are opinions out there which are to be called ignorance, but the more of you come to understand these ultimate truths, the more you will understand yourself, the more you will be able to see the clear path of what it is to be human, and what it is to be righteous.

To all I wish that everything comes easily, that happiness is found in every instant, and that your desires come to life effortlessly. To all I wish peace and an absence of suffering. To all I wish warmth and love~

- N.L

[imraespace]

HIHIGIIGJijihihigiihihih dailt chekcin becofe i start my work

today was actually kinda okay ish i finally participated in my chem class and actually said something that wasnt as stupid than what i usuallt say AND THE TEACHER DIDNF SAY I WAS WRONG SO YAYAY

in my cooking class i was looking at… BOOKING FLIGHTS, HOTELS, RENTAL CARS AND RESERVATIONS FOR RESTAURANTS?? HELLO WHY IS THIS PROJECY REAL IM ABOJT TO WORK ON IT BUT I WANAN DELAY IT EVEN FURTHER CUZ IM A LITTLE UPSET RN

ididnt get jnto the graphic designer position and im like forcing myself to be upset over it or else im gonna be sad over it later and i feel like thats worse bc then at that point its gonna be irrelevant so BUT IM ALSO LIKE WHO?? CARES?????? ITS NOT THAT DEEP AND EVEN IF I DID GET IN ID BE PISSED OFF THAT IM MAKING A POSTER AND NOT STUDYING FOR A TEST OR SOEMTHING HELP and the club is actually irrelevant as hell so it doesnt even really matter

plus anyways theres another thing i signed up for so ill wait for that one instead mueheuheheh but i dont think im getting in that either but at least i applied idk …….

UMUMUM theres nothing else that happened today OH I FINISHED MY NAGI EDIT ITS BEEN FINISHED ACTUALLY HELP IDK WHEN TO POST IT EXCEPT ON SATURDAY WHEN IK IT PROBABLT WONT FLOP AS HARD 💔💔 BUTITS OKAY 😈😈 i need to think of another edit idea or finish that sae edit its been .. pending for like two months now i swear.

i have a test on friday and then another test next week tuesday for history I WANAN DROP OUT OF THE CLASS SO BAD WHY DID I CHOOSE TO TAKE HISTORY AND IM IN THE ADVANCED CLASSES TOO 💔 chem isnt that bad but im scared for the unit test but her tests dont seem as hard HELPME I FEEL LIKE IT SHOULD BE HARDER CUZ ITS CHEM BUT THEN AGAIN ITS ALSO LIKE IM HAPPY IT ISNT AS HARD ITS JUST I STILL DONT GET THESE TWO CONCEPTS AND I REALLT NEED TO LOCK IN FOR MY SUBJECTS

how do i even study for history cuz other than stuff like all i know is inflation, the fiat money system, and how my history teacher hates the united states and they can all suck his bald head bc they all suck and “EW AMERICANS!!!” apparently AND I SEE HIM FOR TWO PERIODS TOO HELP 💔 HE LEGIT ENCOURAGEd US TO DROP OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL AND IM LIKE HELLO ARENT U SUPPOSED TO MAKE US CONTINUE SCHOOL URE LITERALLT A TEACHER BUT OKAY.

im lowk tweaking because i reallt dont know how to study for history and my test on friday i feel so unprepared but to be fair I LEGIT HAVENT STARTED STUDYING YET AND I DONT PLAN TO UNTIL TOMORROW .. and i feel like i should start studying for my history test and im like erm maybe tmr ..! SO TECHNICALLY IF I STICK TO THE SCHEDULE I MADE FOR MYSELF IN MY HEAD WHCIH IS FINISH ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS TODAY (impossible) IT GIVES ME ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO STUDY FOR MY TWO TESTS WHICH LEAVES TIME FOR ME TO STUDY FOR MY CHEM TEST IN LIKE ESTIMATED 2-3 WEEKS BUT THEN I KNOW I CANR STICK TO SCHEDULE 💔 if i finish my cooking assignment today somehow then ill be able to do this and i sleep at like 11 pm today bc momi got mad i slept at 12 yesterday HELP. IMSORYR MOM I FELT GROSS I HAD TO SHOWER AT 11 OR ELSE I WOUDLNT BE ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP

i usuallt shower once i get home from school but yesterday my dinner meal thign project was due so i wa slike ok i have to prioritize this over my own stinky AND I DID FINISH IT MUEHAUYAIEGAPBX NOW I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN BUT FINISH IT IN LIKE 4 HoursHELP HOW LONG SHOULD THIS EVEN TAKE HE SAID ITS REALLT SIMPLE AND COPY PASTE BUT IM ALSO REALLY SLOW WITH ASSIGNMENTS IN GENERAL .. ☹️i get distracted too easily HELP.

i dotn even have a lock in playlist like i do my liked songs on shuffle and skip wvery songim not innthe mood to listen to i actuallt need to invest in playlists or else i cant do this shuffle liked method anymore ……

illcome baxk if i finish my project early ….. ILL ACTUALLY LOCK IN TODAY TRUST BUT DAILT UQRSTION TIME

would you rather be a gojo plushie or a smiski figure im just starign at them and theyre like right next to each other HELP I HAVE TWO FIGURES FROM THE CHEER SERIES??? IDK EXACTLY BUT THEYRE CUTE I WAS GONNA COLLECT MORE BUT 15 DOLLARS PER SMISKI MYSTERY BOX IS KINDA A SCAM FOR ME 💔

- 🐙

HAII today was okayish for me as well my typing class was kinda fun the teacher wasn't scary today!

YIPPEE!! GOOD JOBB

HELP WHAT ALL OF THAT INN COOKING CLASS??

LMAO i hope you get upset or something.. that sounds mean HELOME IDK IF I SHOULD COMFORT OR NOT

LMAO making posters sounds fun tho.. yet I make legal documents in class🙄🙄

DANG GIRL DO YIU HAVE A LIST YOU CHECK OFF WHEN SIGNING TO CLUBS?

OMG NAGII I'm gonna work on my drafts maybe on friday.. and rin smau.. I got a random rin spark of inspiration when reading these romance mangas..

OH WAIT THAT REMINDED ME THAT I NEEDED TO GIVE YOU AN EDIT IDEA ILK THINK OF ONE

ew I hate history ALSO YOU CAN DROP OUT OF A CLASS? I mean i heard of it but idk.. I'm too caribbean for this HELP

when I used to do chem I was so confused but I somehow passed history on the other hand idk what i did or if I passed or not THATS HOW UNINTERESTED I WAS IN HISTORY BC THEY DONT TEACH US STUFF THAT APPARENTLY EVERYONE SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS LIKE LOCAL STUFF AND IT WAS kinda boring.. SAME WITH WHEN I USED TO DO GEO THEY DIDNT TEACH US STUFF LIKE THE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS N STUFF MY FRIEND THOUGHT EGYPT WAS IN EUROPE I wasn't that bad like him.. BUT THATS MY POINT THEY DONT TEACH US IMPORTANT STUFF HERE so luckily I had business! well I chose business bc I wanna own my nursery or maybe a pre-school I like children and I have patience I think.. everyone thinks I'm crazy heh.. maybe I am..

HELPME THAT TEACHER REMINDS ME OF MY OLD DRAMA TEACHER he saw my gc messages once and HE TOOK OFF WITH MY PHONE

DANG SM MOTIVATION I wish I have that LMAO I asked my momma for help and she said when she used to go to school when she comes home she just go n play games ans she never studied she just had a good memory😂😂😐😒😒😒 I DONT I FORGOT WHAT I DID THIS MORNING I have no motivation hahaha..

YOUR MOM GETS MAD AT YOU? well mine does as well bc since I'm anemic I need 8 hours of rest bur (I don't go to sleep early) so I always get yelled at when I feel lightheaded BUT I TAKE NAPS IN THE AFTERNOON sometimes SO I HAVE A BURST OF ENERGY IN THE NIGHT plus I'm reading so

LMAO I GET DISTRACYED EASILY AS WELL that's why I'm up at 11pm and haven't started my notes bc imON MY PH9JE

ou playlisys are my favorite thing ti make! I have like 20 playlists public bc apparently I learnt my friends use them bc one asked me when I'm gonna update it and I'm like whag ans I have a bunch more in private

i woukd rather a smiski bc i searched it up and it looks cutiepie!

IDK WHAT'S A SMISKI OR WHAT SERIES IR HAVE

[landososcar]

wonderland ; LN4

pairing(s) ; lando norris x bookworm!reader

summary ; in which lando’s girlfriend loves books and lando loves whatever she does

warnings ; nothing but pure fluff :)

note ; lol this is short but i found it in my drafts from ages ago & i completely forgot i had written it lmfao (++ the title is irrelevant, i couldn’t think of one and i love this song so i was like that’ll do)

twitter !

instagram ; lando.jpg

liked by oscarpiastri, flonorris1 and others

lando.jpg she said she didn’t have enough pics to fulfil your photo dump dreams so here are some pics to make up for your lack of y/n lately

view all comments

flonorris1 you’re OBSESSED

landonorris what’s your point

user1 lando get OFF your knees

user2 he had all of these in his camera roll😭😭

user3 better yet he probs took them all

user4 what was she reading ??

landonorris in the second pic she was reading to me and it was little women (of course). in the 4th pic im not sure what book it is but ill ask her now

landonorris she said the book in the 4th pic is called ‘throttled’ by lauren asher

user5 omg who’s gonna tell him what y/n was reading

user6 SHE WAS READING THROTTLED YHATS SO ICONIC😭😭😭😭

oscarpiastri landonorris mate lily just told me what throttled is i think you should google it

user6 the difference between little women and throttled is so funny i love y/n’s taste in books😭

user7 i would die for her

olivernorris1 yourusername this man is so obsessed with you it’s actually hilarious

yourusername i 🫶 my obsessed boyfie

user8 y/n we (your children) miss you come back home

instagram ; yourusername

liked by carlossainz55, lilymhe and others

yourusername hell was the journey but it brought me heaven 🩵

view all comments

user1 MOTHER IS BACK 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

user2 omg who’s kid is that

user3 it’s y/n’s little brother

user4 THATS SO ADORABLE😭😭

landonorris you’re so obsessed with me

yourusername LOL ok mr whole jpg post dedicated to me

landonorris i said you were obsessed with me, i never denied being obsessed with you

flonorris1 you’re so so beautiful i miss you so much😭

yourusername STOP IT I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN ANHTHING

flonorris1 landonorris fly me and cisca out to bahrain pls bestie

landonorris ok just bc i know how badly my sisters wanna see me race

ciscanorris1 HAHAHHAHA ok yes sure

user5 i love the way she is with his sisters omg😭

lilymhe i miss you gf😭😭🫶

yourusername im in the uk next week pls tell me you are too

lilymhe OMG message me right now

user6 HE😭SENT😭HER😭MOON😭PICS😭

user7 more importantly HE😭LOOKED😭AT😭THE😭MOON😭AND😭THOUGHT😭OF😭HER😭

user8 shut up i’m gonna be sick

user9 omg where’d you get your tattoo i want a taylor lyric and yours is so so nice

yourusername avastattooparlour is the only person i’ll ever let tattoo me 🥰 i would trust them with my life please go see ava, they’re incredible 😭😭

yourusername just added to their story !

seen by landonorris, francisca.cgomes and others

landonorris replied to your story!

→ babe what is this

→ WHO said you were allowed to look that fine

→ have you been hacked

→ are you reading binding 13 AGAIN

→ no

→ i’ve already reread it, im up to keeping 13

→ dear god

landonorris is live on twitch !

[transcript]

[LN: hey chat we’re gonna play some games tonight i’m just waiting for y/n to bring me snacks.]

[LN: yes yes y/n will be here soon guys chill out.]

[LN: “we want y/n” yes guys i know you like my girlfriend more than you like me but chill out.]

[YN: chat know i’m the best i don’t know what to tell you.

LN: thank you for the food baby but can you stop stealing chat’s attention.]

[YN: okay guys i'm gonna go before lan starts crying because we love each other more than we love him.

LN: stop flirting with my chat and go read your book.]

[LN: "what is she going to go read?" uhh i think she's rereading the binding 13 series for the thousandth time. it's like her favourite books of all time and she always rants to me about them.]

[LN: no chat you don't understand, it got to a point where i read the books because she was ranting about them so much and i just wanted to be able to understand what she was talking about.]

[LN: anyways, let's start playing some games before max yells at me for making him wait.

MF: mate you're obsessed with her.]

twitter !

my other works !

[liquidstar]

I realize that this is probably a weird and irrelevant comparison to make, but i thought about how vivy flourite eyes song kinda did the whole 'non-human character learns what it means to be human' better than to your eternity

NO I AGREE COMPLETELY ACTUALLY i think vivy did it incredibly well!!!

the writer of it is the same guy who wrote re:zero and you can see a lot of similar themes about humanity, memories, and purpose (not to mention stars and time loop nonsense). i dont think that the narrative of "robot learning to become human" is quite as unique but i also think it doesnt have to be to be well-done, and i think that the way its combined with a theme of music and art, the human trait of creation, is beautiful.

i also think vivy did its time-progression world building better, which may have helped. the way its all contained within key events inside one century, and the way that the world changes between each one is really cool, especially in just how fast tech evolves- in some cases even FASTER because the changes vivy makes have a butterfly effect. its incredibly stellar! its not that these stories cant work with this sort of fantastical/scifi lens but that it just sort of has to add rather than detract, and in vivy's case it really does.

i honestly really did love vivy a lot, its a great series and i think everyone should check it out, especially if to your eternity left you wanting a bit more.

a somewhat similar series with similar themes is violet evergarden (though violet is not literally a robot, the series is set in an alternate version of like the 1800s or something). it really is a beautiful and very moving story about a "feral" girl turned child solider learning what it means to be a human, what it means to be alive, and to die and kill. through her job as a ghostwriter, she writes letters for people and learns about their experiences, and most importantly learns about what "love" means, all kinds of love to all kinds of people. my one warning for this show is that theres an episode where a 15 year old princess has an arranged marriage to a prince 10 years older than her and its treated as okay as long as they really like each other. i understand that its also a time period thing but its very weird and uncomfortable so i think its important to have that heads up (even though the one thing i did like about that episode was her relationship with her maid who she saw like a mother, thats where the real "love" of the episode came from to me). i have not seen the movies btw so idk if theres more potentially triggering stuff in those tho

[arthurflecksgirl]

Therapy / Arthus POV

I`m at Doctor Kane`s again and the concrete walls are closing in on me. There is concrete everywhere and I can feel it. Not only the four walls of this room that remind me of another room  but I`m not sure how`s that possible or which room it reminds me of. Its just the window and the lamps. And how tight it gets in here. How small. How small I get. Its also the walls outside. Every wall of every one of those skyscrapers. They`re replacing better things. I guess every single place on which a fucking skyscraper stands upon, there was something beautiful in the past. Maybe a tree or something that represents life and being alive. But those things? They`re dead. And the people inside of them are dead inside because they are feeling the walls closing in on them,too. I can feel the concrete filling their once soft hearts. I can taste the concrete while smoking my cigarette. It`s heavy and its building its walls around me until I compleately dissappear behind them. No one takes a look behind the wall or tries to walk around them. People will think the concrete has always been there. They have forgotten about the trees long ago.

So I´m sitting there between more walls and stairs and elevators that bring you nowhere but here to this room which is filled with piled up files of forgotten patients. There is a poster hanging on another wall. Saying "Its normal to feel trapped". And I wonder how much of this can be coincidence? The walls are talking to me now. They know what I`ve been thinking. Or maybe they even start to recognize me. They have seen so many. And they remember me. Like the guy on the radio, mentioning my name. Maybe things starting to make sense for once. Would be a nice change.

I laugh to myself.

Thoughts are a funny thing even if they aren`t funny. Everything has a funny side to it if you look at it long enough. Thats one of the reasons why I am a comedian.Its so close and true to what you call real life. And I need things to be real sometimes. I need a connection to what is there and there is a joke everywhere you look at. Most are black humor without a doubt. But the joke is still doing it`s job.

"I`ve heard this song on the radio the other day and the guy was singing that his name is Carnival..."

I just have to tell her. I cannot not tell her this. This might be one of the things that will make her listen and think about it. There must be something that changes the look on her face. Something that interrups the boredom and the cruel emptyness of her eyes. Maybe she is the one who isnt really there. Maybe thats why she is barely talking and not noticing things. She`s simply not there. Because if she was, there must be some kind of reaction, right? An acutual emotion, a response. Anything. But there isnt. She`s just an empty shell, nothing means anything to her. Because she might not be real. But I am and I will proof it to her now. She an`t ignore this. If she is real she just can`t ignore this.

"Arthur...." she interrups my talking. Usually I appriciate people calling me by my actual name. Its personal but people barely call me Arthur. I`m Happy and Carnival or not even being called a name. Sometimes at work, yeah but it never sounds like it should. I imagin how my name would sound like if someone who truly loves me would say it. Arthur. With a lovely softness to it. Arthur. A breath bretween kisses.

I hate the way Dr Kane said it. Just the sound of it was asking me to stop explaining to her. And she doesnt even know what I am about to tell her. So I just keep talking, hoping she will react once I finished my sentence.

"...which is crazy. Because that`s my clown name at work." A subtile point into her direction with my hand thats holding the cig. I`m trying to concentrate to explain it to her the best way I can. This is an important moment to me. Hearing that song playing was a sign. There was more to it and I know it. And I want her to know. I want everyone to know.

"And until a little while ago it was like nobody ever saw me...."

Like she doesnt right now. She is sitting right there in front of me and I ask myself which one of us is the non existing part of this room. It has to be one of us. I always thought it was me but turns out I was wrong.

"Even I didnt know if I really existed..." I close my eyes to take a look on the inside and quietly laugh to myself.

I said it. I know I handed her my journal so many times and I was writing about that a lot but she never stopped at those pages. I dont think she is aware of how I felt all my life. They send you here to talk about your feelings, telling you you will feel better afterwards but it really is just talking to myself . And I can do that at home as well. But I want to come here. I actually want to. Because there is this pathetic hope that some day I will tell her something and she will show a reaction or ask me a question that is challenging me. Or she is listening to me answering. I still come here to see if there will be a day that is different from all the others. And - of course- to get my meds.

So now that i told her that I was questioning my very own existence ....what is she about to do? Send me back to Arkham again? Giving me more meds? More hours of talking to myself?

Poeple keep ignoring you and then you are the one who is crazy for being ignored.

"Arthur I`have some bad news for you."

There again. My name. With an even worse tone to it.Bad news huh? Seems like today will not be the day something`s different. She`s not even looking at me now. her eyes are unfocused. Maybe she is thinking of another poster she could hang up. Like the one against drugs. But I have to come here to get my drugs. Like I said. There are jokes everywhere. Even on a concrete wall.

Bad news. So what could it be? I`m crazy. Maybe bad but old news. Wayne is going to be Major. Maybe bad, maybe not. What do I know? But I´m aware of it. Mum tells me ten times a day.  What else could it be? I`m not funny. Real bad. The radio isnt playing any music from now on. Real bad. I`m no one I`m no one I`m no one. Fucking bad.

I look at her. Right in the eyes. She doesnt like that. But if she doesnt do it I will.. Existing or not.

"You dont listen, do you?" I ask her. And her head is moving but her eyes are still empty. Maybe thats all I  get as a reaction.

"I dont think you ever really hear me" I add. I talk slow and quiet. To make my self clear.

"You just ask the same questions every week. How`s your job? Are you having any negative thoughts?"

Why is she asking me to keep up with my journal if she isnt reading it anyway? Maybe she just wants to check if I added some more interesting cut outs of porn magazines.

How`s work? I can tell you how work is. Done. Its fucking done because they fired me. But I won`t tell you. And I won`t tell mum. I will find a way to get some money and you`ll never find out how because you`re never watching me.

“ All I have are negative thoughts”

Some thoughts are funny but that doesnt mean they aren`t negative. Black humor, remember? Black as the heart of Gotham city. Black as the blacked out pages of my torn diary. Black as the creatures of my nightmares, black as their claws around my neck and the ropes around my tiney wrists. Black as nights made of insomnia and pain.

Black, black, black and I get lost in it. Me, the light. getting lost in the dark. I need love to illuminate me.

"....but you won`t listen anyway. I said for my whole life I don`t know if I even existed. But I do. And people are starting to notice".

She takes a breath. Like she is about to answer. Maybe I finally suceeded. She can`t ignore this, right? I never pointed out before how  ignorant she is. I dont hate her. I just wish she would notice how much of a let down it is to come here, hoping to get some help, to have someone to talk to, but all you`ve got is someone who makes you feel even more irrelevant. Maybe she isnt even aware of the pain she is causing. I bet she isnt. She doesnt even know herself. Maybe we have something in common. Drained and worn out by this town, by people, by the world. Life.

Finally she says something.

"They cut our funding. We`re closing down our offices next week."

I exhale the smoke. And with the smoke another fragement of hope is leaving my body.

"This city has cut funding across the board, social services is part of that."

I hear her words and try to understand what that means for me. What the consequences will be. My mind is racing while my face is resting as she says this is the last time we`ll be meeting.

An "Okay" is all that escapes my lips. I try not to show what is going on on the inside. But maybe I should, Maybe I should just get up and rip those fucking posters off the walls. The one with the cage is first.

Cages. Bars. Creaures with cages around their heads. I`m that creature. Trapped inside of my own mind. And I can`t get out. I can`t get out. I need to talk to someone. I need someone to listen. I need someone to look at my drawings and ask me why that guy`s head is a fucking cage?! But she just turns the pages. She turns them like my thoughts are nothing. Like I am nothing.

Now she finally looks at me. her eyes found their focus. "They don`t give a shit about people like you, Arthur."

Thats the sentence she looked at me for? Wow. I smirk. Its the only thing I can do for now. The only reaction to being told what you always  knew. People dont give a shit about people like you, Arthur. She really used my name to tell me this. This is personal. I came here for being suicial. And she tells me people dont give a shit about me. I`m sure I can work on a joke based on that. Based on how much it hurts.

I nodd. Not looking at her anymore. I let that sink in. The sharpness and rawness of the pain. I let it sink inside of my body and let it spread. Am I  having any negative thoughts?

"Fuck!" I whisper to myself, taking the last drag of my cig before I put it into the ashtray. "How?...." my voice cracks.  This is a bad surprise. even to me. I`m always prepared for the worst but this really gets to me. I dont even know why.  The meetings are not satisfying at all and the meds dont seem to do anything.  But I`m doing something! I come here to do something.  Trying to get better. Trying not to give up compleately. Trying to get the help I need, even if I dont get it. I fucking try. So let me try! Don`t take the chance away from me to try. What will happen to me if I dont take my meds anymore? I cant even remember a time without them. Will I go through a withdrawal? Or worse? Seven meds. Things are not looking very good.

"How am I supposed to get my medication now?" I swallow hard before I decide to look her in the eyes again "Who do I talk to?"

I know it was more self talk than anything else but deep inside of me there was this hope that some part of her was listening. I know that now. I was still hoping.

And I am hoping now.

For her to tell me some last words to make me feel better. To let me know that hoping was the right thing to do.

"I`m sorry, Arthur"

I lose it.

I lose it all.

@impulsiveclown @will-you-be-there @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @ajokeformur-ray@damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss  @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos @sabrinaeileensnape @raven-romanoff @ivedescoveredheathsjoker

[shireviews]

“painter of the night” (야화첩)

by byeonduck

“Na-kyum is a young painter with an exceptional talent: creating erotic images of men. Though he has published a few collections under a pseudonym, he has decided to quit painting. Then Seungho, a young nobleman, barges into his life. A hell-raiser notorious for his insatiable lust, Seungho forces Na-kyum to become his private painter. However, the nights that await Na-kyum are beyond anything he could have imagined.”

status: ongoing

warnings⚠️: kidnapping, rape

this is literally like every asian historical drama ever but 50 shades of GAY

tldr

✨the plot✨

one night, our resident orphaned, high-functional alcoholic, nakyum is given a job offer by our resident sodomy-loving lord seungho for his UNIQUE ability to paint hentai erotica that ERECTS SEUNGHOS LOINS! however, nakyum declines, makes excuses, and gets a guy killed all because he is a ･ﾟ✧*changed*✧･ﾟ man and does not paint that absurdity anymore.

does seungho listen? of course not, this is a yaoi.

so lo and behold, nakyum is kidnapped and forced to watch and paint seungho and his plus one jihwa get it on. but when nakyums refusal to paint becomes a problem for seungho and his ding-a-ling, mega-nerd jung inhun is introduced as leverage. why? because softboi nakyum adores inhun and would do anything to see his teacher’s political career pop off; even paint seungho and his mega schlong. 

however! more! drama! ensues! when we learn that inhun is the reason nakyum stopped painting. but if stop painting he remains, then undoubtedly would inhuns non-existent career be ruined by seungho, and nakyum loves his teacher way too much for that to happen. 

the painting sessions then begin to involve NAKYUM ON SEUNGHO action which threatens and angers seunghos plus one jihwa cough irrelevant cough enough to put out a hit on nakyum. so yeah season 1 ends with an assassin coming 4 nakyums a$$ and inhun finding out and calling nakyum a prostitute.

hooray for season 2

✨the character development✨

yoon seungho

this man went from pegging 5+ men in one night theres a reason ho is in his name to ONLY pegging nakyum on the reg if thats not character dev idk what is 

at least theres consent in season 2 

baek na-kyum

he cries so damn much but i mean given his circumstances it could be worse. idek what to say about character development for nakyum like the only thing that develops is his endurance to seunghos bullshit so i mean theres that 

it’ll come to me later i swear

jihwa

hoe

jung in-hun

he was a tolerable character but gradually got worse and worse if they dont bury this silly mofo in season 2

he couldnt take the hint for like 90% of season 1 and when he finally did, had the audacity to call nakyum a prostitute like homie that is not the move -- he is the whole reason why your literature and career is even being CONSIDERED atm and you go and call him a whore great work

✨the porn✨

censoring system: light sabers

first smut scene: chapter 1 they said yall wanna see sum real speed

favorite smut scene: chapter 45 the consent is immaculate

least favorite smut scene: they were all okay

i will now proceed to summarize my analysis of every single smut scene in this yaoi 

meat and ren can suck it

🔞 = major smut scenes

chapter 1 + 2: 

sudden, not an actual smut tbh u just see images of seungho blowing/pegging his plus one 

chapter 3 + 4:

first scene!

pegging galore god

multiple rounds seungho said STAMINA

imagine getting that horny from a bunch of pictures cant relate

chapter 8:

orgy gone wrong

chapter 9:

orgy gone right

nakyum beats his meat

chapter 13 + 14 + 15:

nipples, blowjobs, fingering, multiple positions

plus one gets jealous lmfao

chapter 16:

nakyum x seungho omg periodt pooh

🔞chapter 20 + 21:

NAKYUM X SEUNGHO PERIODT

technically rape since nakyum thinks hes doing it with inhun learned sir poor babe

hes enjoying it (???) 

lord

he remembers NOTHING LMFAOAOAO

🔞chapter 25 + 26:

we’re border lining killing stalking rape god this is not how you recover memory loss seungho

hes enjoying it (???^#!!#$^&&%%$)

we all hate seungho whats new

chapter 27 + 28:

follow up blowjob but dont get caught by inhun wowza

this is oral rape oh my god

🔞chapter 31 + 32:

nakyum x seungho development we love to see it

less rape more noncon

they’re enjoying it 

multiple rounds and positions they said FLEXIBILITY AND STAMINA

SEUNGHOS MASSIVE HORSE SCHLONG SENT NAKYUM INTO A FEVER LMFAOAOAOAO

chapter 36 + 37:

less rapey blowjob for NAKYUM THIS TIME LESGOO

squishy seungho cheeks and not the ass cheeks

chapter 39:

the ancient version of public sex

🔞chapter 42:

nakyum initiated it this time omg what he did get slapped tho

yea nakyum is a sex crier

fin.

✨the v✨

this was the second yaoi i read and although better than killing stalking imo, it still retains that rapey energy so uh 

i first read this in april and as of writing this in late july, out of all the yaois ive read in those three months, painter of the night still remains one of my favorite art styles. literally nothing drawn in this style can be ugly.

also fun fact, i binge read the first season of painter of the night in like a day and the ENTIRE time i was listening to mayday by crush ft. joy and now i cannot listen to that song without associating it with seungho and his horse sized manhood good day and good night

🦋 make your puthy throb percentage: 96%

[aggresivelyfriendly]

If The World Was Ending-WNTC Non-Canon Outtake

Hi! So I had to! Hope you like it, if you do, come talk to me! Or scream at me. All my love to @dirtystyles, long live tripod writing!

Reblogs are love!

This didn't happen - but this song and the current state of affairs made me crazy enough to imagine it, and then Harry and Jo kept talking in my head. So, here we are!

Who Names The Colors Extra: If the World Was Ending.

She's scared. Fucking terrified, mostly because she has zero idea, not a single one about what is going to happen tomorrow, let alone what happens next, next week, next month, if there will be a next year.

Jo wants Harry.

Jo wants Harry in a way she has worked really hard not to. She has given him his life, the possibility of a future.

And now, in this moment when everyone's future is completely uncertain and maybe not going to resemble the world of yesterday, may not happen at all, she just, it doesn't fucking matter. The fact she can't give him a baby, that their ages made all the things she wanted for him possibly impossible, and all the family drama and tension is totally irrelevant. Feels totally unimportant. It doesn't fucking matter. She could get the virus on a market run and she could be sick for a few weeks, or she could stop breathing. She has no way of knowing which it will be, or how long life will be interrupted. She feels helpless, hopeless, future less.

It's probably not that dramatic. By next year, everyone may remember this like a nightmare. But right now, this moment, with cases climbing and death tolls ringing and a government completely fucking it all up, that seems far away and maybe not true.

Jo wants Harry.

If the world is ending, he's all she wants.

Maybe not all she wants, but the list is short. What she would do if this was it. She imagines the last night time especially. The things she'd do. Call her son in Greece, see him happy, scared but happy with Sean, and tuck her ever growing sassy pants daughter into bed, and come downstairs to tea Harry has made her.

His tea was always better, than all the tea she's made on her own. "Made with love's why." He'd smile and wink and dimple and melt her. In the fantasy, he's folding laundry or finishing dishes too. Because, God she misses the partnership she glimpsed too, and she's too tired to do it all alone most days. Though it's easier now that Zoe's school aged.

He'd help her, though, always did, while feeding, watering, fucking, and holding her through all the angst she is feeling. Through the sky falling.

She nearly calls him. But Jo has no idea, not an inkling of where he is in the world. She doubts he's still in Montreal. That was a year ago. It was meant to be a 6 month intensive program. There were others she submitted him for that she knows he was good enough to get into no matter when he rang them interested.

If he is abroad, that terrifies her, too. God, what if he's abroad, and can't get home? Or is sick, fuck, sick alone? Though he is in a low risk group she says out loud and wraps an arm around herself, squeezes her shoulder to distract from the contraction of her heart.

London, he might be in London. She knows he should move there, be part of the art scene. Jo is just not sure if that's where he is in his journey yet. She's not sure why she thinks she knows anything about where he is, or might go, or how he will chart the course to the future she forced on him, gifted him.

They talked about it, or course. They talked about everything. Except when they just understood.

London. If he's in London, it's cruel, because he won't be moving: lockdown orders have just gone out. He'd be so close but so far. Expats are flying in, going home and quarantining. This option had been offered to Ethan. But it didn't make sense for him and Sean, they were safe, and in the home they'd made. If Harry's abroad, unless he's shacked up, ouch, he'd come home to Anne. But, if Harry's in London, he's stuck away from his family. Unless he's settled and happy there instead. Anne might be ok with that state of affairs.

Jo's not.

She doesn't believe that, it's not been that long, since them, not really. She wants him to be happy, with somebody else, but not so soon. She's not over it remotely well enough to contemplate another body in her space, mind, or person. May never be able to fathom somebody not Harry.

She imagines Anne is out of her head worried.

Anne, she could just call Anne. It will be weird, but if it's just to check on Harry, she can do it. Only slightly, ridiculously awkward. But Anne knew, the devastation for both of them. She won't be wholly surprised. It's just a phone call to check on him, Harry never need know. Anne will not tell, Jo's sure. His mother wants them apart, forever.

Jo's heart squeezes again.

As a mother, she understands. As the unsuitable love of someone's life, well, she can't.

But, none of that matters. Because it feels like the world is ending. Jo just needs to know he's alright. First and foremost, that he is ok.  And then she needs to know something for herself. Her selfish self. That he'd come over if he could, to hold her and be with her the way they both wanted but couldn't have. Because none of the consequences matter, not right now.

He will not likely be able to get to her, so it's just the comfort of their love, or his huge heart all for her, still.

She's dialing Anne before she can stop herself. The land line, the one Anne gave her when she'd come to ream her, and had offered loving kindness instead.

"Hullo?" Her heart stops, stutters, blooms.

She hangs up.

Holy fuck, he is here. He is home in their little village. Good, good for Anne. "Oh my god!" She yells to the air, because now the proposition is real. The possible fulfillment and rejection, real. Would he come over, now the world's ending, stay the night? The rest of the horrible uncertain trials they are facing be damned, can go to hell, if he would come hold her tight. Her breathing is rapid and she's concentrating on slowing it down. God, what if he wouldn't come over. Had wised up, decided they weren't what she knew them to be.

What if he would come over?

Neither matter, in any case, she's hung up. It's ok, he doesn't need to know it was her.

The phone in her hand buzzes. Anne S. reads the call log. Does she answer?

How can she not? Her whole body feels better, knowing his is close. She sends it out to him, it overrides her nerves about everything, including answering. Even his presence, that she received via strong voice through the receiver, not weakened by sickness, worry, or sorrow, bolstered her. She feels better all ready. She might be able to have more though, than his calm. Jo might be able to have him, a real moment with him. Maybe lots of them, a day that feels like moments because of the way time suspends when they commune.

She catches the call just before it gets shunted to voicemail.

"Hello?" She says, her voice is thin, the only force in it, hope.

"Jo?" He gasps and her tears leak down their cheeks.

His voice. Her name on his lips.

"Hi!" She tries to steady her voice. It doesn't work and his breath tells her she's unsettled him.

"Is everything ok? Zoe ok? Why're you calling my mum?" He inhales loudly. "Sorry, that's rude. I just, god, wasn't expecting your call. Not that it's not lovely to hear your voice, baby."

They both suck in a breath at that. "I was..." How does she say this? "I was worried?"

"About my mum?" He asks, his voice lined with hope as well.

"Well, yes." She says, hopes he hears what she is not saying the way he always did.

He laughs suddenly with something like joy in his voice. "It's alright, I've already asked about you. So no need to be embarrassed." He swallows. "Ever."

"Yeah?" She asks.

"Yeah, you're a brave little thing, calling my mum to check on me." He teases.

"Um, she told me to call if I needed help, she was kind to me." Jo glances down. Shit, it's so late.

It was almost bed time, and their custody agreement didn't end, even in a pandemic. She needs to make sure Zoe hears her voice say she loves her. For the same reason she had called Anne. "I know where you get it from. She has every reason to dislike me—"

"She doesn't dislike you, nobody could dislike you, Jo."

"Oh, well, I think that's an opinion. You're biased." She stops herself.

"Because I love you?" He asks but keeps talking so she can't answer. "It's true though, you're impossible to dislike." He whispers. "Impossible not to love."

"Har- Harry." She looks at the ceiling and hears him groan. "I actually have to go, I didn't plan this at all." She sighs.

"Well, I assume you have nowhere to be?" God, he sounds light as a feather, she could fly.

"Yes and no. It's time for my goodnight call to Zoe. She's with Colin."

"She'll come home though, some point, right?" He asks, urgent. "I hate to think of you alone at a time like this? Where's..." He gulps. "Where's Ethan?" He sounds like he's swallowing glass.

"Greece, stayed there, he and Sean are safe, still able to work, so they stayed."

"Oh Jo!" He sighs. "Baby, are you all alone?"

"No, no, I'm not." Not really, just physically right now.

"Who're you with?" His voice is dark for a moment, thick like his voice box is coated in mud.

"With?" Oh! He thinks a man is with her. He's swallowing his reaction. "No one at the moment, I just, Zoe comes home Monday. But we were talking about initiating the summer schedule sooner." She slows down. That won't make sense to him, he's not privy to the details of her life anymore. Doesn't need to be. "But anyway. She's there and I like to call, have my voice be one of the last things she hears at the end of the day."

"And you need to see her face before you sleep. " It's not a question.

"Yeah, um, but I called you, your mum, without checking the time and her stories are probably over." She explains.

"Ok, that's, thats ok, thanks for calling, Jo." His heart is in his voice. That outsized prize in his chest. She wishes with her whole heart she could keep his.

"Yeah, bye, um bye, Harry." She swallows. Her own emotions coating her throat. "Take care, please." Can he hear the plea in her voice?

"You too." He says in a way she feels. Like all his unspoken hopes for her are in the two words. That she not just to survive the virus, but to be well, and happy, just not with anyone else. Jo's projecting. Those are her unspoken prayers for him. She pulls the phone away and the call ends on his end just before she touches the red button.

She never got to ask him, if he'd come over.

That's all well and good though, because it's real now. He could come over. He could not come over, too. Jo sits for a moment, the oxygen sucked out of the room. That would be worse, definitely devastating. It's good she didn't get to ask. She shakes her head, glances at the time on her phone. She needs to call Zoe.

Her daughter's bright face is a brilliant distraction. Though the pull of the call, Harry's call, the things he said, how he said them, and all the things they didn't say is stronger. Jo gets her motherly reassurance, and smiles for her baby, but her mind is elsewhere.

"Night bug! Can't wait to see you Monday!" Jo's heart squeezes and she signs off the zoom. The leave button feels so final. She keeps herself together when Zoe can see her, no matter what. She hates this, the entire custody thing, that it was necessary, and some days she hates that the entire thing happened. But she can't regret Zoe, or the divorce or everything after. She also can't regret that Colin decided somewhere along the way he wanted to be more involved, needed to be. Though some days, especially these weird isolation days, she hates that she can't just hunker down with her baby and be wrapped up in baking or tik tok dances or crafts, puzzles, whatever Zoe was into. Instead, she has to be separated from her bud.

She sighs and pulls her old bones off the ottoman; she's tired. The nightly routine done by rote while she yawns, flicks lights and clicks locks.

Her heart stops and then defribullates when she gets to the back door.

Through the triple diamond shaped glass is his unmistakable shape.

Harry.

Because if the world is ending he'd come over, right?

"Harry?" The question is only in her voice, not in her heart. Course he'd come.

"Miss Jo." She must make a face, because he steps forward and takes her hand. "Jo, I..." He looks for words to say, "I thought we could paint," he tries to smile for her. "or something?" God, he looks like every dream she's had of him, mostly. He's different, it's been a year. He's shorn his locks, his hair is almost high and tight. His lovely hair gone, she mourns it, the silk of it through her fingers, like water rippling on her skin.

The cut looks good on him, of course it does, everything does. His jaw is exposed, his cheekbones amplified, and the green of his eyes is so golden, she's rich. "Can I come in?"

"Yes." She blurts out, because of course the answer is always yes. Yes Harry, have me, my life, my always. But not at the cost of yours. Have my right now.

What is anyone's always right now?

Which is why they are here.

So, now he is in her kitchen and they stare at each other. There was a time, she recalls, when he would have her on the table, or at least a stool by now. But, it's been a while and a lot of time and broken heartbeats have passed.

"Tea?" She offers for something to do; she sets about making his brew when he nods. Her hands and feet carry her around her kitchen without much thought while she concentrates on what happens next. He's come over, right. Now what? She's waiting for the whistle, when he steps close behind her. His heat warms her for a bit. She forgets she's out of her depth, least his body is familiar, but, "you smell different." She can't stop herself saying.

"I had to change it." He smells her hair. "The other reminded me of you. All the times you mentioned it." He swallows. "You smell the same."

I couldn't change it, it reminds me of you. "Yeah," is all she says. When his arms come around her waist and his chin hooks over her shoulder, Jo feels lighter than she has in, well it's been more than a year.

"How you doing, baby?" He asks against her cheek. And he is not asking about right in this moment, it's everything, how's her art, and her kids, and their relationships, and her job, and most of all her missing him?

The smile takes her face. "I'm alright actually. Really." She summons her courage, says. "I miss you, all the time." She turns and wraps her arms around his neck, her face laying against her bicep, so she can gift herself a view of his face anytime, when she is ready.

Harry kisses her temple. "Me too." And they stay like that, resting in the embrace like it's a balm on a healing wound, for long deep breaths of each other.

When the kettle blows, she pulls her face back and offers him a peck. He smiles before softly bussing her lips and loosening his arms to let her turn around. He eventually has to let his arms drop as she busies herself making the tea - the leaves, and the dunk - serious business. He follows her to the fridge when she gets out the milk. "Same?" She looks at him, he's been looking at her since he arrived, he's always looking at her, in his mind's eye, or on canvas.

"I forgot how beautiful you are." Her gaze drops and she's so glad she got the gall to call his mother. Knows when they have to part again it will be worth it, to have had him in this moment of uncertainty. He is her constant.

She was never more certain than of her feelings for him, his for her.

"Not to steal your words, but me too." The moment's not awkward, just leaden, she rolls her eyes and smiles at him, "now then, same tea?" They do tension like she can't believe, every moment pregnant with possibility.

"'Course, it's not been that long. Only my geography has changed." That makes her almost spill the milk, he means geography like a map. Jo she never thinks of his geography as where he lives, she thinks of the body she mapped under his clothes. Her territory.

"Has it?" She asks and places the milk down, slips her hands under his t shirt to check.

It's bold. She's only ever been so fearless, selfish, with him.

He catches on quickly and the smug smile creases his cheeks in the way that always got her wet. Still. "Would you like to check?"

He doesn't actually give her a chance to answer, his hand is in her hair and he's taken her mouth. She knocks over the milk, the lid isn't tight and drops leak out.

It's both uncharted and the only home she's known. He kisses the same, but tastes just a bit different, like he has a new diet with new habits. Things she might not know, but she does know that when he nips the middle of her lip, it mean he wants her to open her mouth. Jo pulls back to look up at him instead. The thumb on her jaw drops to her neck and the possession makes her weak.

"Lover?" It's a question. His eyes close and he puts his forehead to hers and kisses the tip of her nose. "Har-Harry?" That ones a provocation.

It works. He hoists her up onto the sink sill and jostles the tea cups. Milky tea on the homely countertops.

"We're making a mess!" Harry whispers, breath over her lips.

"Didn't we always?" The color of his eyes is devastating.

"Let's go make a different mess, baby." She nods and he lifts her back up his hips and takes the familiar journey to her bedroom. He walks the counted steps from memory, consumed in the kiss, when his knees don't meet the mattress, his eyes pop open. "Where's the bed?"

Jo points.

Harry stops and looks around. "It's different."

"Yeah." She sighs. She supposes she is negating this change a bit. But this feels like a reprieve and she hopes it's a balm instead of a burn to her missing him muscles. "I miss you. All the time—" She starts to explain.

"Yeah, me too." He interrupts.

"I missed you so much at first I had to, to.."

"I know, baby." He kisses right over her heart. Pulls her arms free and her top over her head. Repeats the kiss. "Of course, I know."

That's the bitch of it all, he does know. He knows everything, all about her, every inch of the body he uncovers. He mapped the curve of her waist, knows that the underside of her breasts makes her writhe when he runs his chin over it, arch when he licks it, and tremble when he sucks. The replay is the same on her nipples, only forceful. It makes her react like a taut bow, she may buck him away. He keeps her still through it, to endure the activation of his prior knowledge . The nips and swirls and eye contact while he favors her breasts, all the things he remembers how to do to her.

Her hips are pistoling. She knows what she needs, has needed for too long to remember how this feels. Too recent, resplendent, to ever forget.

But Jo also knows Harry, and he's in a patient mood. Or worshipful, she supposes. His favorite ritual he is about to perform on her body.

His rite takes him over her belly. Earlier, the lack of curls on his head had only given her a momentary ache, until they didn't make tendrils of fire over her abdomen, slither through the crease of her thigh when he made his way down to start on his knees, at her feet. Her supplicant. The caress to her instep is the beginning of his atonement. The attention to the bends of her knees and then the back of her thighs is a confession.

He adores her ass, and her back. She's onto her knees and pushing back into his body when he gets to her upper shoulders. The supplication is too much to bear and she needs more, every inch of him to merge with her, divine their purpose.

"Har-Harry! Please?" She can feel all of his length in the crack of her ass and it's not where she wants him, but he can do anything he wants with her. It is all a prayer, their worship, even his denial of her pleas. Her glides along him draw a grunt though, gnaws at his patience. She's proud but disconcerted. He's not talking? He always made a joyful noise when he loved her before. "Lover, you ok?"

"I'm," he catches her chin and turns her face into him. "I'm awestruck, Jo."

Their lips mingle just after the breath of his speech ends. She feels him shift behind her, line himself up, anoint his dick with her dew. "Baby?" He asks. She kisses him in an ecstatic state, nods like a sinner taking the wafer , even before he presses the tip in. When he does, she shivers in delight as they commune.

"Oh, lover!" She sings a hymn to their homecoming. Her melody and verse are sighs and moans. He harmonizes with her. Comes to a near crescendo, leads her to a refrain, slower, changes the song. She's on her back now, wide open and ready to receive his message. Instead, he rhapsodizes down her front body again, the chorus quicker. Her cunt is the receiver of his word, and his tongue does something magical while he leads her to the pre chorus. "Oh Harry. Your mouth!" She babbling and praying he doesn't stop, does stop, don't stop, please stop, until she cries an hallelujah.

Thank God she called.

She baptizes him when he takes her through the shakes back to heaven.

Her trance like state is barely broken when he comes to join her, join them. "Jo, you're glorious. I love you!" He swears his oath when he brings them back together. All of him within all of her, and creation too. She grips his face while he rocks into her, needing to see the riches of his eyes. The gold is electric there and she knows he will always come for her, her gold standard. That though he thought their preciousness gone, it was just underneath the weight of the world on top of them.

Now with him on top of her, they've found a new deposit. A shorter vein of richer gold.

They have to relish it, this gift, heaven on earth before it's over.

He does that thing, takes them to that plane, where time doesn't matter, the pandemic makes time sort of irrelevant anyway. What are mere hours between pilgrims?

They go through transfigurations, she's the altar, then the priest. Then him. In all sorts of shapes, their te deum unfolds, refolds, comes undone.

Jo is undone beneath him, unmade, and exhumed as his.

"You're so golden, Jo." He whispers into her ear when his joy and his energy run out.

He falls asleep on top of her, a fugue in the continuing rhapsody this interlude gifted them.

She cries a little, tears of joy. She doesn't want him to go yet. Not until Zoe comes home. That's when their clock runs out, their world ends. It's not fair to put her through it. Zoe missed him so much when he left. Asked about him ceaselessly, them regularly, still rarely.

Jo tells him so. "I'd like you to stay, through Sunday."

He holds her close and nods to nonexistent music in answer. The whole weekend is a symphony to what was, could be.

Some of their overtures are meals cooked for each other, cuddles on the couch, cusses in her bedchamber, a long afternoon with clothes on their backs and paintbrushes in their hands until they found a favored canvas in each other's skin.

He filled in the half heart he found on her with his tears, then with his kisses.

"Let's make a bigger one?" He suggested, and they used her camera, painted their paired halves whole on each other and photographed it. There are a few without looking their faces she will print out and frame, or put into one of the art books she is selling. She loves them so much, that they were complete for a while, she has to have proof.

They call each other by name, a lot. The names vary with the theme, the moment.

But, above all, Jo realizes he is the one she'd call, if she had only moments left. She'd spend them with him.

Their coda is her call and his response.

[theuntamedproject]

"If the face says nothing, listen to the heartbeat" - Lan WangJi, Mo Dao Zu Shi (Weeks 3+4)

https://zhtheuntamedprojec.wixsite.com/theuntamedproject 

... those who have read the novel know the real context of this line in the scene BUT taken out of context and used in a completely different (*cough* our) scenario..."If the face says nothing," translates to "Even if we seem calm on the outside,""listen to the heartbeat." translates to "we're so stressed to the point of ventricular fibrillation." (dunno if that's even a likely story but the overly exaggerated point still stands: we just handed our uni applications in and we're dreading admission tests and awaiting interviews...)

Quick overview

So aside from school work and university prep, TUP has taken up whatever spare moment either one of us has. However since Zara's Physics coursework began (good luck Zara!!) and both of us prepping for our respective admissions tests, we've decided instead of marching onwards with research on architecture and other food science related stuff, to settle on more relaxed Google seshes on MDZS (and totally not using this as an excuse to read the source text again) and beginning to design the buildings on CAD and paper.

So I'm going to introduce to you the barebones framework of what we plan to include in the design: characters, buildings and effects~ apologies in advance for not including the accents/tones in names (I cba tbh ;-; )

Characters

Because all these little dudes are just going to be cut out gingerbread men, we could include as many characters as possible (we did say we're making a universe are we not?). Those in italics are "maybe" characters depending on the dough remaining (or whether we like them to be part of the universe or not...) or how much gingerbread we're willing to eat ourselves (though huge shout out to everyone thats offered to eat our spare and broken gingerbread during materials testing - which I will get to a bit later :3)

Gusu Lan (the pretty sect)

Lan XiChen / Lan Huan (Sect Leader - simped so hard for his sworn brothers that both of them ended up dead)

Lan WangJi / Lan Zhan (repressed gay but we love him still)

Lan Yuan / Lan Sizhui (he's part of the Lan sect now goddamnit)

Lan JingYi (the most unLan Lan yet has the highest chance of being the next sect leader lmaoo)

Lan QiRen

Lan Yi / Lan An

QingHeng-Jun (Twin Jades' father)

Madam Lan (Twin Jades' mother)

Yunmeng Jiang (arguably the only "normal" sect here...)

Jiang Cheng / Jiang Wanyin (Sect Leader also an "angry grape" as put by Zara)

Jiang YanLi (OUR QUEEN)

Jiang FengMian (loved Wei Ying more than Jiang Cheng lol jk xd)

Yu ZiYuan (BAMF)

Wei Ying not included here since technically he defected from the Sect (; - ;)

Qinghe Nie (fans and sabers my bros)

Nie HuaiSang (Sect Leader - yeah, I can't believe it either)

Nie MingJue (noooooooooo)

Honestly, I swear this clan is either "big muscles or big brain?". If you have neither, you can't be part of their clique. I mean sect.

Lanling Jin (rich rich rich rich rich)

Jin Ling / Jin RuLan (Sect Leader - totally not named after Wei Ying's crush/ husband's family)

Jin GuangYao / Meng Yao (*smiles*)

Jin ZiXuan (peacock but JYL's husband nonetheless)

Jin GuangShan (gross)

Jin ZiXun (double gross)

Mo XuanYu (literally did not sign up to any of this. He just wanted to end his suffering at Mo Manor)

We decided against including everyone from Mo Manor since they literally died within the first few chapters of the novel / first episode of the drama so were kinda irrelevant. Also, we don't care about them like we care for the Lan Sect members either.

Off topic side rant, Zara has been on my case whenever I bring up Jin GuangYao. I have to say, he's way more lovable in the drama than in the novel (didn't really leave much of an impression on me in the novel, NHS did a better job at that). I'm here to briefly explain why this boy is misunderstood and deserved more than what he got (and also why you should love him because he deserves love).JGY is a poor soul who's goal in life was to please others because no one was ever satisfied with him. His mother wasn't satisfied. His father wasn't satisfied. Hell, even his sworn brother NMJ wasn't satisfied with him eventually. BUT GUESS WHAT Xichen the angel is the only person that showed any love or thanks to JGY that's why he didn't kill him in the end - he wouldn't kill people that actually cared about him. IF ONLY EVERYONE ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO HOW CLEVER AND CUNNING THIS MAN WAS, THERE MAY NOT EVEN BE WENS THREATENING THE WORLD. end of brief rant.

Qishan Wen (too hot, hot damn)

Wen RuoHan (Sect Leader - could have taken over the world if his children weren't incompetent)

Wen Qing (half the reason why included this sect)

Wen Ning / Wen QiongLin (the other half of the reason)

Wen Yuan (WE NEED THIS BABIE ALONGSIDE SIZHUI OK)

Wen Chao (questionable)

Wen ZhuLiu (also questionable but less annoying than Wen Chao)

Rogue cultivators (including people we didn't really know where to put)

Wei WuXian / Wei Ying (Can work out how to cultivate resentful energy, fight against the biggest cultivation clans in the world and gain a formidable reputation as the Yiling Patriarch yet can't figure out that Lan Zhan has a crush on him. Makes it look like cultivating resentful energy is easy as pie.)

CangSe SanRen (Wei Ying's mother)

Wei ChangZe (Wei Ying's father)

Xiao XingChen (honestly, the nicest guy ever. Could rival Xichen in terms of kindness. But then again... where did that kindness lead either of them? Moral of story: screw kindness)

Song Lan (Wen Ning's dead buddy~)

Xue Yang (he was cool in the novel, a bit questionable in the drama ngl)

A-Qing (didn't report her situation to the police...)

Baoshan Sanren (without knowledge of her existence, Jiang Cheng may have given up on life after he lost his golden core)

Ouyang ZiZhen (I didn't know who he was at all from the novel (ie he left no impression) but since he's technically part of the juniors, we have to include him)

Wang Ling Jiao / Jiao Jiao (just so Wen Chao has a friend perhaps... I don't know if we're that kind)

Su She (ew. just. He's not our favourite. The whole thing could have gone smoother if he didn't exist)

Luo Qingyang / Mian Mian (that one girl that made Wei Ying think Lan Zhan was straight)

Whew! That's all the character's we've considered! We have yet to come up with individual designs for the clothes and what not but at least we know there are going to be straight up cutting them out using the gingerbread man cutters.

Also! let's not forget:

Li'l Apple (didn't sign up for any of this either)

Fairy (gift from JGY to JL, also good doggo)

All the bunnies in Gusu (yes.)

All the fans and sabers in Qinghe (it's part of their aesthetic)

Locations and Buildings

This section's going to be MUCH shorter than the previous one haha since we've basically come up with 5 main buildings and in 7 locations. We're planning these buildings to be architectural masterpieces (okay, that's a slight exaggeration but that's the point). These buildings will take SIGNIFICANTLY more time than the gingerbread characters and is the reason we've put so much effort into researching what would make the most stable type of building. This is because we've planned to mirror the buildings as close as possible to the drama. We haven't yet drawn 2D sketches as I've left that job mostly to Zara (sorry!) so it's sort of hard to describe in words but by next post, we hope to have these down~ (though please see the mood boards from Zara's post previously)~

Gusu Lan - Cloud Recesses

The Wall of Discipline

The Courtyard

The Orchid Room (the main classroom/hall)

Yunmeng Jiang - Lotus Pier

The Main Pier

Lotus Pod Lake

Qinghe Nie - The Unclean Realm

The Main Courtyard and stairs

Lanling Jin - Koi Tower

Koi Tower

Qishan Wen - Nightless City

Main building and stairs

Yiling - Burial Grounds

The Mountains (and farms/Wen settlements)

Demon-Slaughtering Cave

And of course, Yi City.

We don't know if we want to include any more places but we'll let you know if there are any changes to this list. Plus the effects of LEDs and other arts and craft jazz besides gingerbread, we plan to make sure each Sect get's their own spotlight~

Please enjoy our baby Cloud Recesses, they're going to grow up and be a fine specimen of society worthy of the Lan name :D

The plan going forward

Although unfortunately, things haven't gone totally to plan due to fairly busy circumstances, we still have some major events along the way before starting to build the whole thing (which would probably be around mid-to-end of December) which have indeed started preparing for. Including:

Material testing gingerbread and icing (ie finally, bringing our research to the real world) - a lot of gingerbread will be made, so thank you to the willing volunteers who wanted to eat our failed experiments!

Finding / creating a suitable recipe for the gingerbread people

2D and 3D sketches of the buildings

Designing costumes for the gingerbread people

Another thing that we kinda want to do is to make this project benefit the wider community (we wanted to set up a GoFundMe at some point and raise some money for charity~). But we don't know how to do that as of yet T-T . Any ideas, feel free to contact us and let us know! We want to help others through this project (if at all possible haha)!

[thegeminisage]

well I’m obviously very fascinated by your writing process and I admire it a lot. So you should do the questions 1-4 which are obviously very process oriented. But I’m curious about 50 too 😜

MCCCC that’s so nice of you to say i’m gonna write “fascinated by your process” down in my book of favorite compliments waaah

OKAY HERE WE GO (edit: this got long NOBODY is obligated to read all of this)

1. Favorite place to write.

so i actually don’t get out much firstly because i am kind of a homebody and secondly because where i live there’s not really many places to go…we don’t have starbucks, we don’t have cafes or coffee shops in general, and the few we do have would be weird to just HANG OUT in unless i go to the local college campus and i’d never pass a student LOL so mostly what i do is just write at home. which is fine! my favorite place to write IS at home on my computer bc it’s where i can be most comfortable. i have written in different places (especially when i travel to visit buddies - i have written in a starbucks in dc, a parking garage in dc, the ferry that goes past the statue of liberty, a mall food court in sanfan…i have also written fanfiction on my phone while over at my grandparents place or on the computer in the high school library LOL) but when i’m in public 1. i can’t relax and so have a harder time getting into my zone 2. unless i have earbuds i cannot utilize MUSIC which is simply crucial to my Process™

2. Favorite part of writing.

this is a close tie between outlining and actually rough drafting. i do not and never will understand why all writer culture jokes are about writers not actually writing because i love to write?? writing is the best part of writing? when i really get going and knock out like 2k or 3k in a day that’s the best feeling in the world. i LIVE for that feeling. however i also REALLY enjoy outlining because it’s sort of like rough drafting without the extra work (i can just block things out w/o worrying about making them look pretty) and also the outlining process is where i run into and then solve most (not all, unfortunately…) of my plotholes. there is nothing in the world like trying to untangle a plot problem for hours or even days and then suddenly coming up with the PERFECT solution. that is a GOOD feeling.

3. Least favorite part of writing.

editing/rewriting can go straight to hell THANKS! i already wrote this once! i don’t want to do it again! i had to pause work on the current thing i am doing to go back and clean up a subplot that was finally coming to a head and it took me THREE WEEKS because thats how unenthusiastic i am about editing. i can never decide what needs cutting, it’s tedious to decide where to jump in and start rewriting new stuff, it’s too much work and to depressing to have to scrap a whole scene and start from scratch…i have a real problem killing my darlings (just ask @callowyn, who has been co-writing @cambionverse with me for nearly a DECADE - she knows the struggle). it makes editing hell

4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?

yes!! i have 3, a small one and 2 big ones. 

small one is: i like to turn pomodoro on and have some sort of snack/beverage/gum nearby. this is to minimize distractions, firstly because if pomodoro is on i have to use my phone to access the internet which is not my preferred method and secondly because if i get momentarily bored i can stimulate my brain with like a sip of coke or a cheez-it or something and that will satisfy the momentary urge to get up and walk away a lot faster than picking up my phone to scroll social media will. then i can go back to work and not lose my momentum!

big rituals are FIRSTLY is that i always always ALWAYS have to block out a scene before i start. i talked about this on this blog before so i won’t repeat myself but the gist of this is that i basically write the entire scene in the ugliest shorthand possible and then “edit” it just like that - delete/add lines of conversation, switch things around, remove off-topic threads, etc. it’s easier to see “zoomed out” like this, more malleable, and i’m not attached to any pretty sentences or turns of phrase. it’s also EXTREMELY fast because once i get to actually drafting it i know exactly what i’m doing, i’m basically just transcribing my notes! i have written almost 7k in a single day with this method. i can absolutely fly

adn finally the most important ritual of all is that i have to be listening to music. there are some albums/songs i can listen to to write anything (mostly soundtracks) and that’s “writing music” but more often than not i pair a specific song or handful of songs with a specific scene, something that matches the “feel” of what i’m working on. if i’m really getting into it i might even go and play some ambient noise (like rain sounds during a rainy scene). this is actually especially helpful at triggering hyperfixation to get from feeling kind of “bleh” about something to absolutely enthralled with it. (edit: for especially long stories i MAKE PLAYLISTS i can tell you exactly which of these songs corresponds to which scene in my current project and i will never be able to disassociate the scenes from the songs so long as i live)

50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.

it’s @cambionverse! haha no that’s cheating, that was cally’s idea

actually i think most of my story ideas are a little on the cliche/predictable/tropey side bc that’s what i enjoy consuming. but i DO get weirdly obsessed with like, the most unimportant background characters or very off-the-wall rarepairs and then devolve straight into OC territory. and then when i was younger i would actually write fanfiction of my own fanfiction - so my first fanfic ever was a novelization of ocarina of time, and then when i was finished with that i actually went back and wrote stories about link’s parents before they died. i had a name and a backstory for that little deku kid (the butler’s son) in majora’s mask. ganondorf and nabooru had a daughter who featured as a main character. it was wild. i becomes absolutely obsessed with minute details and the longer i spend in a fictional world the more i branch out into utterly irrelevant shit. that said i think the WEIRDEST idea i ever wound up writing to fruition was a teen wolf fic that feature my teen wolf rarepair (which i don’t talk about on this blog BC I TRY TO KEEP IT SFW HERE but like…it’s on ao3 LOL) and in the sequel to that fic i spent about half the screentime talking about the death of an OC in one pf the characters’ pasts. ask me before i started and i would have said that sounds like the most boring shit in the world but i wrote almost 100k in that verse in 3 fics and i think it’s one of the better stories i’ve ever worked on solo.

(send me a writing ask)

[wombtangclanaz]

“Not everyone can be Russ”

So I’m not really sure where to start a whole ass blog but since my rants are constantly triggered by random content I see, I'm gonna stick to what I know and not try to psych myself out and delay this blog further. So we’ll jump right in. I have to shoutout Kato on the Track for always validating the things I think I'm learning on my own, and for packaging those lessons into words that make sense and that I can share with others. If you’re not familiar with Kato, Dame Mec, DJ Pain, Sound Advice, Music Entrepreneur Club and so many other local platforms/people of the sort, you really playin yourself,  PERIODT. These guys really care about layin it out for you in a meaningful way which takes a lot of work. so WATCH AND LISTEN.  So, between yesterday and today, Kato posted a few short videos talking about the subjects we are about to explore. Until I can figure out how to attach said videos, go watch them on IG @katoproducer. The one posted today is titled “Not everyone can be Russ” and I feel that on SUCH a spiritual level. If you’re familiar with Russ at all, you can probably kinda guess what this is about. For those not familiar, Russ is a rapper/song writer/producer/author etc etc etc. who has gained some big recognition for his blueprint as an “independent” artist. I personally don't really listen to Russ or closely follow his career, however his relevance in the industry is undeniable. if you watch any interview with Russ, its clear he's garnered fame by figuring out how to be an independent powerhouse, more or less. (Admittedly, the technical “BUSINESS” side of the industry is still something I lack a lot of knowledge in cause it involves politics that can be annoying, however I'm always tryna find people to teach me more things. If this is you, tap inwardly) But basically, the point Kato is trying to make is that its not necessarily better to be doing EVERYTHING yourself with zero out-sourcing/collaboration. We see this A LOT on applications for Tucson Hip Hop Festival (shoutout THHF fam I love you guys) It seems like young artists are quick to tell us about how they rap AND PRODUCER/WRITE/RECORD/ENGINEER all their own music in their closet. it seems to be a point made to try to impress, when really it can be a red flag. This might be just my opinion, however I have a lot of conversations about this with the mentors I keep close to me and they seem to share my sentiments. The problem with doing EVERYTHING yourself is that it can quickly create a “master of none” situation. The beautiful part of todays music industry is that the technology to do the basic things yourself and is mostly free and at your fingertips. Every kid with an iphone5 can make a rap song. This is one of the reasons that hip hip is one of the most popular genres in the world right now. With popularity comes intense levels of over-saturation. You have to focus your talents and efforts and TIME. If you’re a rapper SLASH producer, ask yourself which one you're more passionate about, which one would be devastating to leave behind? Now, this doesn't mean you’re forever disqualified from making beats in the future or trying your hand at rapping. I think a big factor in a hip hop career these days is TIMING. Take note that Russ released 11 albums and 87 singles CONSECUATIVELY AND FREE OF CHARGE before he really got meaningful recognition with Soundcloud. Not to mention the fact that producers and DJ’s are more recognized and showcased as separate entities, locally and nationally. A big reason is the fact that social media made branding so easy and mostly free. Now, if you’re someone who just likes to experiment and create music and try your hand at rapping, DO NOT LET ME DISCOURAGE YOU. Everyones gotta figure things out, its important that you’re exploring and creating DESPITE everything. Consistency is key. Do not let me dictate your dreams. HOWEVER, if you're looking to take the next step and actually pursue a career, this is advice you may want to take to heart. It sounds counter-intuitive but the best way to gain success as an INDEPENDENT artist is COLLABORATION WITH YOUR PEERS. Another point Kato makes is how up-and-coming rappers are immediately trying to work with artists or entities 3-4 steps ahead of them. Theres many rappers who try to afford themselves the PRIVILEGE of skipping necessary steps in their career. Most notably the LOCAL step. I see so many rappers following this romanticized narrative of being an INDEPENDANT artist, fuck a label got it out the dirt do it all on my own yadda yadda, but are so quick to bash or dismiss their local scene that they have yet to even explore, all the while on social media spamming every single major record label and tagging every legendary rapper they can think of in every single irrelevant thing they post. I can't make any sense of that honestly. I CONSTANTLYYYYYYY have kids reaching out to me sayin they wanna legitimize their local scene, PUT ON for their city, put their state ON THE MAP, help build their community, PUSH THE CULTURE, be socially active and change lives etc etc etc. and have never been to a SINGLE local event (even as a supporter), can't name a SINGLE leader or influential person in their hip hop community or a SINGLE local rapper they admire(who aren't just one of their homies).  I LOVE that energy and passion. but without the KNOWLEDGE of what's going on around you, and the people laying down the roadwork for you, you look low-key disrespectful and very under informed. I mean, this is quite literally the bane of my existence. If you're involved in organizing shows or events or platforms on any level, you know how many people will hit you up to be on every single show/festival but HAVE not and WILL not ever attend or support otherwise. I'm sorry but there's no other way around it. I can speak for the whole state when I say that there are locally conscience artists that quite literally “put on” for their community every weekend and have for years and years. if you message me on IG for coverage on my platform and we have 2 mutual friends, THATS A HUGE RED FLAG. There are many experienced and talented people around you who want nothing more than to provide opportunities and support to pass the torch to the next generation. Its okay to reach out for support and ask for help as long as you’re worthy of it. Dame Mec always says that if you’re reaching out to someone ASKING for something (no matter how small) you gotta make sure you’re working JUST as hard or ALMOST as hard as the people you’re reaching out to. “CLOUT” does not exist if you’re actually worthy of the support, it just comes and it lasts longer. Building in your local scene can really boost the longevity of your career and helps you find “success” in unexpected places. And maybe i’m the one romanticizing now, but asking for something should not be your first contact with said person. Your local networking, knowledge and SUPPORT OF OTHERS should not come solely from YOUR OWN desire for success, wealth or influence. It should come from your utter love and uncompromising passion for HIP HOP and every avenue of culture that goes along with it. You should already be attending hip hop events and having hip hop experiences, not because you decide you're a rapper one day, but because its the thing you enjoy the most and absolutely cannot see your life without it. Sometimes I let myself get annoyed by the lack of knowledge and lack of willingness to learn that I see plaguing hip hop today and I always remember what one of my homies/mentors always says when I wanna talk shit; “their heart just isn't in it” (Pike obvi) and that's just so damn true. If your heart isn't in it, everyone around you is gonna figure that out way before you do. Don't let your ego ruin your career before you even have one

[castaform]

I just wanna say thanks to the @LolaTempest thread,, you can read it here 

I can't agree enough, as both a Suicidal person, and someone who has lost people through suicide. This is going to be long I guess, I appreciate if you do end up reading it all.

I urge you to check out their thread, its highlights tons of good points about Suicide after culture? (Idk what to call it) As someone who deals with these thoughts, and some of my friends might be surprised to hear I still have them, I can't say how much I relate.  Whenever someone dies it feels like its just that thing of the month, everyone reblogs the hotline lists and that and then it just vanishes till the next person dies. I’m not saying its wrong but I hate the feeling of it being almost like a fad. And like Lola Tempest says, half the time it doesnt actually have much impact, its not bad, but as a suicidal person, I avoid telling people already about being suicidal, depressed etc because it makes me feel like 10 Million times worse, and on top of that I feel like I'm burdening everyone by telling them which ads even more stress. And while I know this is not true, I still can't help it. 

No matter how many times people say they love and care about you, it doesn't stay because the brain won't think straight. I'd much rather you make me forget that pain, tell jokes, tell me about your day, something so stupid that it makes me smile inside.

Anything but the talk on suicide because then I roominate and thats the worst thing for me, I really don’t then want someone telling me all the solutions when my brain at the time can’t comprehend the solutions. the worst nights of my life where when I was alone, in a cramped room, with no one to talk too and forced to thing about the ways I’d go.

When one of my closest friends left me due to a suicide attempt, I felt so empty, I hated myself every moment of the day, I got sent home from work for not being focused, I could not stop shaking, I went to the hospital because I  didn't know what to do and I respect their choice because your own health matters too, its your own life I can't control that, but please don't do it at their worst. Im not saying I hate this person, I still value them, they once stayed awake with me for 25 hours to make sure I was okay

Its something I still value. But when they left, they told me I was selfish for wanting to die, and while it might come off as selfish please, please never call a suicidal person selfish. I can tell you now, they think about every person, each of their actions,  what life is like without me and how I have 0 impact on them, or the positives of what happens of when I'm gone.  When I was in school, I'd sit and think about every classmate, how I was so irrelevant regardless of the level of friendship between us.

I used to take "Breaks" Online and offline, and just hold away in the hopes someone, even one person would chase after me and ask me I was okay, I remember when my friends from my maths class came to my house, they didn't know where I lived and idk how they found my address but it meant so much, I cried a lot that day, When my dad died, my mum thought originally he did it to spite her, but she later found notes left in places precious to each of us, in our favourite books, films, hideaways etc and told us about the hopes and dreams he had for each of us when he was gone, and how he knew we'd be something great in the future, he even prebrought flowers to be sent to my mum every month for 2 months on the 16th, the number of their wedding day, to keep her happy.

He thought so much about the people around him, and yet he still made that choice. His choice was wrong because he couldn't think straight, thats what this does to you, so please don't ever call someone selfish for it.

After my friend called me that though that was when I stopped letting people know, I held back more and more out of the fear of losing anyone else, it took me a long time to get over it, but I still don't tell people now, I nearly told my aunt the other day, that I was feel suicidal over my work and how they've been treating me, how the pressure of my family falling apart is making me feel, how my social circle, body image, money issues, gay struggles etc are all making me want to end it And I didn't because in the moment I sat down with her, I changed the subject so fast because I couldn't bring myself to tel her, hurt her, make her cry, and I couldn't bring myself to do that to another person.

please I beg of you if theres a takeaway from the people who have died, who think about it, famous or not, support them, be there for them, send them love and encouragement, in the good and the bad times

Never forget them, please don't let it be a week and treat it like yesterdays news, I may not have know Etika but I'm hoping he's happy up there, the same for my father or any one else who has committed suicide

If something seems off just asks, please don't wait for them to make the first move, approach them, heck even if they arent down, but you've seen them I'd urge you to try become their friend, they might never tell you directly how much you mean, but I bet you mean a lot.

I know I'm not as influential as I once was on tumblr, and thats partly my own choice, as like Etika I felt Social media had a influence on me good and bad, but if you read this go check on someone, make the first move, make sure they're okay, don’t wait for them to come to you! You don’t have to be some therapist or a doctor to see when someone is on the edge, be their friend, remind them of the good through good times, play a game, tell stories, tell a joke, sing them a song, to no matter who it is, Be it brother, mother, friend, classmate, random person on the internet, you never know, you might save their day.

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi Meat, p5 reaction

Meat Page 5.

We might be due another perspective switch - unless the plot stays with John until he's assembled all his friends.

When John goes to pick up Rose, it’ll probably be on LOLAR. Terezi might still be there, if she hasn’t gone clownhunting just yet.

If so, perhaps we’ll get to see whether Rose ‘n Terezi’s migraine was really due to the substance abuse + caleidoscopic colours of LOLAR + glitches… Or whether it was due to the GO timeline “supposed to” have gone differently, with John’s current retcon being the thing missing to happen. It takes a bit of effort, remembering what everyone was exactly up to on this part of the GO timeline and what would be a fortunate time for John to take it off the rails. For Kanaya, that might very well be the moment Jane set up her literal shop on LOFAF, selling her all those blood potions, for instance.

For Dirk, it might be before his conversation with Arquiusprite.

I'm getting the feeling that John might be jumping to exactly those moments in the scenes where the characters were at their lowest, self-esteem wise. Giving them a literal second breath. ;)

Not sure what we can expect from the ghost side of things though. I think they might not be duplicated, leading us to meet up with (Vriska) as we knew her, punk cut and all. Even though GO Terezi's ghost will be there with her too.

I'm half convinced Calliope will get copied somehow, but not entirely sure. The only 'real' duplicate Calliope had already, besides Alt Calliope, was her dreamself. He could snatch the body, but I was under the impression Caliborn consumed it in a literal sense to establish his dominance over the body.

Meanwhile, it occurred to me to that Andrew Hussie (the author avator) will make a comeback, probably a background cameo. I've only now realized that he's a literal ghost writer of his own story right now, in-canon. While outside of canon, he’s more becoming like Stan Lee, executive producing stories using characters he designed.

Anyway, let's start this up.

---

"The stands of the Cantown Memorial Arena" Okay, my first thought was this takes place on the meteor, but yeah, it's a building named presumably after the literal Cantown WV build in his station, back on Earth. Or the Exile Town that Bec Noir massacred. Though, does this indicate a perspective switch back to Roxy... Or is the CMA where Rumble in the Pumpkin Patch is recorded? Probably the latter, meaning the perspective is switching back to Dave! Uh, the alpha version, I guess I should call him? Post-canon, adult Dave?

"His shit eating was so brutal that no one, except maybe Jake, cares that he’s taking a phone call in the middle of a live broadcast." So, was it staged, or did Jake really get a power boost, coming into his role as the Page?

Also, I feel like if Karkat's run for president gets announced by Dave on live television, "and the crowd goes wild" will apply here.

"Dave takes a seat on the couch, right in Karkat’s butt groove." Okay, so he's not going just yet. ... Karkat's butt groove is available because the latter absconded the fuck out last we saw him, hahah.

"a piece of absolute garbage." Callback secured.

"DAVE: while the beatdown you just received was as thorough as it was humiliating im afraid as usual the solution to this problem should probably not involve your decapitation" While Dirk might be the one to keep this beaten dead horse of an in-joke going, Dave isn't going to be the one to cut its head off and end its misery. :P

"DAVE: jake just kicked your ass DAVE: thats really all there is to say on the matter" AWWWWW yessss, hahahahah. Dirk's laid down, on the ground, on his smartphone, just like Dave was after his beatdown by Bro. Awesome callback.

"DAVE: its really amazing how this meme we have going here continues to be exactly as funny as the day it was established DIRK: Isn’t it always though? DAVE: yeah" That's Strider Irony at its finest for you. You never can be entirely sure non-sincerity is what's taking place here.

" DAVE: how DID you get your ass kicked so bad DAVE: jake sucks and his raps are fucking awful" Oh, scratch that thing about his power level, then. ... The rapbots didn't join in to beat Dirk down, did they? ... Though I would like to see either them or their zilly versions again. :P

"

On the TV, Dirk makes an elegant hand sign that once might have represented solidarity with some ancient coastal rap group but now has been utterly divorced from its cultural context here on Earth C." Is it a sign associated with... the ICP? Yes, I guess whatever 'references' the kids make get picked up as divine decree...

"The camera pans away from him and over the crowd. It zooms in on a young crocodile wearing an oversized T-shirt with Jake’s highly marketable ass plastered over it and the phrase “Tally ho” written in big bubble letters." ... including stuff that was already dated when the gods were still actual kids. (By which I mean the phrase, not Jake's marketable ass.)

"DIRK: Holding back a little to achieve certain results doesn’t necessarily mean you’re participating in a farce or rigging the event. DIRK: We do this all the time. We hold back our thoughts, our true feelings, our full potential. We disguise how much we know about what and when, for many purposes. To ease relations, to let others behave naturally and make up their minds without undue intervention. To wait for the right moments to show our hands, to pick our battles. " Dirk is still overthinking things. :P He's also still a schemer, even though he's grown more mature. I think in this case, he might be trying to keep up Jake's taste for adventure and hone his skills? That might be related to the fact that he's one of the few in the know of what John is up to (also a thing he's withholding right now), and he might be trying to get Jake battle-ready in case he needs to be. ... In case he doesn't believe they'll stay irrelevant to the plot.

"DAVE: my dog you are full of some SHIT today arent you DIRK: Absolutely." It's a good thing Dave can see Dirk typing, otherwise I might have asked whether Dirk may have reinstated an autoresponder to answer when he's busy. :P

"DIRK: And when it comes to theater, there are just as many reasons for restraint. To build tension. To set the stage. To give the people someone to root against." Okay, that's actually kind of meta. Also, in-story, it might mean Dirk is deliberately trying to come off as weaker, to get people to boo at Jake so he can play hero?

"DAVE: i can see you on tv DAVE: theyre booing you dude" Okay, never mind.

"The excitable salamander manning the camera switches to a fish-eye lens for some unfathomable reason, giving the whole exchange an air of demented absurdity. Dirk’s sunglasses distort and stretch to dominate the entire screen." I'm all here for NPC races doing menial labor half-way competently. :P Also, I feel like there should be some sort of visual callback to that image of Dirk's sunglasses. Something to do with the black hole from Problem Sleuth expanding to suck the entire universe up, which was reflected in the Stiller shades, and the event in itself is being called back to now, in the Black Hole sucking up the Furthest Ring!

"JAKE: What about the agitated rabble? Theyre starting to throw things. DIRK: I don’t know. Do a dance or something. Sing a song. DIRK: They love anything you do. JAKE: Ummm. JAKE: Ok sounds stupid but ill try." Using Jake's charisma as crowd control? Dirk, you beautiful mastermind.

"Jake tips an imaginary hat toward center stage and begins doing the Charleston." Hah, right, this might be a callback to that other Page dancing old-time dances, hahah, Tavros after he assembled the ghost army.

"Just as Dirk predicted, the crowd immediately loses its shit, except for a single carapacian in the front row, who continues to glower at Dirk with an expression of absolute and total contempt." If Jack hadn't remained in the session, I would've designated this guy as his great-whatever-grandchild.

"DAVE: why do you want people to hate you so much DAVE: its fucked up DIRK: You’re reading way too much into it." I don't necessarily believe that.

"DIRK: If I wanted another round of embarrassingly indulgent and mutually masturbatory psychoanalysis, I would have called my daughter instead. DAVE: hm DAVE: do i need to point out how fucking weird what you just said was or can that start going without saying at this point" This. This is Homestuck. This entire exchange.

" DIRK: The point is, playing myself up as a villain figure in this hacky rap pageant has nothing to do with getting people to dislike me. Besides, everyone loves a good villain. When they boo, they don’t really mean it." That has me thinking of Thog, a villain from Order of the Stick, actually. But yeah, Caliborn, Condy and others were really good villains. Doesn't mean we didn't mean it when we cursed them, though.

"DIRK: I think you’d be surprised by how popular I actually am. DAVE: i dunno man" At some point, playing the villain stops being a role, if you're too thorough in antagonizing the crowd. Dirk may have gone overboard here - in his role in the pageant I mean, I don't think anyone loves their god any less. Just one more way to show that, victory state or not, their original issues still come into play and challenge them to grow.

"DIRK: The point is, this is much less about me, and more about providing a foil for Jake’s heroism and charisma. DIRK: It’s very important that his popularity continues to be cultivated, to maximize his political capital. DAVE: political capital" ... Oooooh! Thinking three steps ahead of everyone again, nice going Dirk! I think Dirk might even have foreseen Dave rallying Karkat to stand against Jane, but I wonder which side he'll be choosing!

" DAVE: what the fuck are... DAVE: ok how long have you known about the jane thing DAVE: i mean is this something you have been planning for like DAVE: a long time or DIRK: Planning is such an intense word." Oh, he's trying to pull the strings again, is he? What game is he playing then, what policies does he want to instate, if any? ... Is Dirk a supposed xenophone too, or just playing to the tune of the largest group of swing voters?

" DAVE: jane is a shitty candidate dude DAVE: shes going to be so shitty DIRK: I thought you’d feel that way." ... Pfff I just realized Dirk wasn't typing, since this was a phone call. He's saying this all out loud! Typing's the old way of conversation, we discarded it for the most part, everyone has their Gift of Gab now. Well, hopefully at least Dave's part isn't being recorded and broadcast.

"DIRK: I respectfully disagree. DAVE: i get shes a good friend of yours and all but even you have to admit how far up her own ass she is DIRK: Of course. I consider it to be among her best qualifications for the job." Dirk might just be thinking: a self-absorbed candidate won't notice being pulled around. Even though she's, you know, his dear friend and all, he's still planning on manipulating her. :/ Old habits and such.

"DAVE: christ DAVE: ok if nothing else have you at least taken into account the DEVASTATION to the economy this will cause???" Strider Irony(tm).

"DIRK: Dave, I think if you search your soul, you’ll come to the same conclusion I have. Jane is just what this planet needs. DIRK: We’ve all had our fun here, but it’s easy to overlook the fact that civilization on Earth C is hardly a sustainable proposition. DIRK: Just beneath the surface, it’s quite a dangerous and unstable place." Oh, cool, so Dirk was acting on the same things Dave noticed, just having drawn different conclusions. Guess there's more to playing god as a winner of Sburb than sitting on your butt all day long, huh?

"DAVE: i know that DAVE: which is why actually i think it would be cool to have a president that is good instead of bad DIRK: He’s not as great as you think. DAVE: what" See, I know Dirk'll say Karkat, but I kind of wish he'd say Obama. :P

"DAVE: who DAVE: obama?? DAVE: how dare you" XD PFFFFFffffhah, okay, should've seen that coming.

"DIRK: I’m happy for both of you, really. It’s nice that you encourage and support each other in this way. But you’re sending him on a fool’s errand which can only end badly." Like, I understand where Dirk's coming from, we know how unbalanced Karkat is at his worst. But Dirk's seems to be the conservatist route, while the current status quo is so unbalanced someone with at least a little liberal thinking should try changing policy, little by little. ... Okay now Homestuck has me doing political discourse. Hussieeeeeeee! ... Why am I now picturing a Homestuck AU about the climate change truant student marches of Europe?

"DAVE: wait DAVE: how do you even know hes entering the race DAVE: we like just decided this DIRK: A competent political operative has his ways. DIRK: Besides, it was always pretty obvious to me you’d react this way the moment the announcement was made." Okay, not ruling out entirely Dirk has something spying on Dave, but that would verge too much on what Bro would've done in his place. He probably just cold-mindedly assessed his potential response.

"DAVE: cause if youve already got jake on your side then i guess we might as well just fucking quit DIRK: I wouldn’t worry about that. DIRK: He and I don’t quite have the rapport we once did. DIRK: He’s “over me” and doesn’t spare opportunities to make ostentatious demonstration of this claim. DAVE: um DIRK: Basically he doesn’t like being told what to do. Especially not by me." Cool, okay, so... Jake is needy in his own way, in showing he can fend for himself, at least that's how Dirk sees it. Guess they still hang out a lot though, just no longer "like that". That must be a letdown for the shippers, but a boon for the people that felt betrayed at seeing Dirk & Jake back together in the Credits. I like that middle road, actually! And hey, the versions of Jake & Dirk in the New Game Plus timeline, or whatever we should call it, are still fair game!

"DIRK: So it’s fair to say as of now, he’s still fully in play. DIRK: Not that I should be encouraging you, really. DAVE: you are one doubletalking son of a bitch you know that DAVE: i cant tell if you dont want us to run or are reverse psychology mindfucking us into running" Very true, that. Why would he share the truth about Jake if he wants to win, unless he wants fair competition? Best not to dwell on it too long on this neverending stairway of hidden intentions, lest we fall down it.

" DAVE: not like i can just stand around and wait for president crocker to like DAVE: write fucking grammar laws into the constitution" Pfffff, yes, I had forgotten about Jane's grammar practices, hahah. Guess she has a good running mate in Dirk for that, at least, capitalization and everything in order when he's not rapping.

"DIRK: Sorry to cut this short, but diapers are starting to come down pretty hard right now, and some of them haven’t even had their babies removed. DAVE: what" what. I hope it's at least consort babies, they're arguably the most resilient, as semi-sapient animals.

"DIRK: That was a joke." Ah.

"Jake can’t help but watch the motion, raking his eyes over the muscles shifting beneath the skin of Dirk’s neck and arms.

There is something implacably magnificent about Dirk Strider, Jake thinks, untamed like a wild game beast of incredible size and strength." ... Well then! I didn't think the narration would offer us this view from the perspective of Jake, thought it would be reseverd for John! Not entirely sure how I feel about the privilege of seeing Jake pine for Dirk, though. :P At least it clarifies where the allure is in it, for him. It's an extension of his taste for adventure and his upbringing on an island full of terribly powerful beasts.

"Of course, their history together is never far from Jake’s mind, however many years it’s been since their last tussle of an amorous nature. The old dramas and triumphs in the days of Sburb. Dirk’s companionship has been taxing to the heart, to say the least, and yet he’s taught Jake so much—about combat, philosophy, life, love." Okay, that is just such a Jake thing to phrase it like this. I'm glad we get to see he's not so oblivious or un-elloquent in his mind as he presents himself to the outside world, consciously or not.

"But sometimes, despite their checkered and problematic past, Jakes wishes that he could seize Dirk by the proverbial horns and wrest him bodily into becoming a much more agreeable fellow." Heheh, so Jake actually would like to impose on Dirk some manners. At least with him it stays with desires, while Dirk really did try to impose on Jake when they were together.

"DIRK: How about you kick off the next round? DIRK: I bet this crowd will settle its shit right down the moment you drop the latest rhymes you’ve been tinkering with." This is going to be painful to read, isn't it? ... If we're going to read them at all. ... I swear, this might just lead into them having "the xest rapoff in the history of Earth C".

"Jake’s face lights up. He composes himself, adjusting a bow tie, although he is not wearing one, and making a vague gesture like he’s twirling one end of that mustache Dirk has not yet let him grow. Dirk lets him go with a gentle smile, like the sort you’d give to a dog for performing a trick adequately. Jake responds to the signal like an Olympic athlete hearing the starter pistol. He was born for this." All the best and worst aspects of Dirk & Jake as a couple are basically summarized here. I mean, Dirk is not even WITH Jake and vetoes some of his choices. Then again, Jake really does have TERRIBLE (but hilarious) taste in mannerisms.

"JAKE: Tally ho its me, jake mcgee! JAKE: Popping my pistols off, two shots and a kiss JAKE: My aim is tops, i never miss" ... I'm not disappointed, this really IS almost physically painful to read, as expected.

... Okay that was actually a very amazing rap. Well thought out, good use of the vocabulary, dated though it is. I liked "jake-eng's" and "jape-slings" in particular, especially since that was what Vriska dismissed him as, a joke, a jape.

"The crowd, as Dirk rightly predicted, has settled its shit right down. This is not due to any accidental brilliance on the part of Jake English, but rather due to an abashed but loyal brand of pity, the kind a devoted fan cannot help but feel when they see a beloved celebrity make an ass out of themselves during a live broadcast they have waited two and a half years in line to buy a ticket for." I think this might be Dirk's POV. Not everyone's tastes in rap are as dignified as his, after all. :P Consorts in particular might love this. Then again, we saw John embarass carapacians not too long ago, they're not immune to pitying people. But hey, on the brightside, maybe some of the audience <>'s Jake now. :P

"Dirk’s phone begins going off again." Unless it's something more ominous, this is probably Dave having the last quip.

"With a casual flick of his wrist, Dirk snaps out a bright red tranquilizer handgun and shoots Jake in the neck. Jake’s glasses crack when he hits the mat. A chorus of boos rises up from the crowd like groundwater. Dirk artfully dodges a bucket of obscene troll fluid to field yet another very important personal call." ... Did Dirk actually use a Crockertech tranquilizer on his co-god? What the hell, Dirk? Guess all is fair in the ring.

And I suppose it's not Dave then that is calling him this time, if he takes such drastic measures.

"DIRK: Yo Rose, what's up?" Oooh, if we get to see this, that would be early we get to see Rose again! Dirk and Rose'll probably be planning their next move now that John has left. (Which I take Rose to already know about, through her Seer powers, or a call with Roxy.) ... Maybe some of their plans only could have worked IF John left, if they wanted to regain some measure of relevance through them.

[tvhnc]

TAHNEE BIANCHI --  [silent judgement] .(2019)

tracklist && commentary

1) ....READY FOR IT ? ❝ i see nothing better, i’ll keep this forever, like my vendettas // and they can be my jailor, why’d do this to ‘em, every love i’ve known in comparison, is a failure, i forget their names now i’m so very tame now // baby let the games begin...are you ready for it ?  ❞ 

commentary: this song is her opening track for many reasons, she forgets the gentle love and forgiveness of her last album and goes back to what she’s good at. being a bitch. and in this song she both addresses that her love is essentially a game in most cases and how she holds grudges and plays games with her exes heads. but in it she also addresses margo “i forget their names now” is her saying when she’s with her she doesn’t even remember her exes. then the chorus of “in the middle of the night in my dreams you should see the things we do” and “i know i’m gonna be with you so i take my time” is her saying that she sees forever with her and sees her being with her in a way that is not like her exes so there’s no need to rush.

3) I’M ONLY ME WHEN I’M WITH YOU ❝  && i don’t try to hide my tears, my secrets or my deepest fears through it all nobody gets me like you do // well you drive me crazy half the time, the other half i’m only trying to let you know that what i feel is true. ❞ 

commentary: tahnee wrote this song during elvie and margos big fight because she knew exactly how margo felt about elvie. being best friends with someone means knowing everything and accepting everything, even when you don’t want to. she played it for them after they made up. it’s on the album bc its a bop.

4) TIM McGRAW ❝ september saw a month of tears and thanking god that you weren’t here to see me like that // looking back on all of that it’s nice to believe that when you think tim mcgraw i hope you think my favourite song, the one we danced to all night long. ❞ 

commentary: this song is about looking back on her relationship with margo (particularly back in Salem) when all their troubles seemed distant and irrelevant. “when you think happiness i hope you think that little black dress,” that lyrics is in reference to their early days when they decided (cheesily) to wear the same dress to a party. despite ending abruptly and albeit not great she only looks back on their relationship with happy thoughts.

5) KING OF MY HEART ❝ ‘cause all these boys with their expensive cars, their range rovers and their jaguars, they never took me quite where you do // i’ve changed my priorities the taste of your lips is my idea of luxury ❞ 

commentary: this songs was written about kaiden and aisha and how quickly they fell for each other and how quickly she saw aisha drop all of her fears and ghosts of her past relationships when she fell for him. also the the hook “is this the end of all my endings, my broken bones are mending, with all these nights we’re spending. up on the roof with a school girl crush drinking beer out of plastic cups, say you fancy me not fancy stuff baby all at once this is enough” was the caption on her instagram post about dating margo so it’s an homage to how she felt with margo so she knows how aisha feels.

7) GETAWAY CAR ❝ it was the best of time, worst of crimes // i wanted to leave him, i needed a reason // you weren’t thinking and i was just drinking // it’s no surprise i turned you in because us traitors never win // should’ve known i’d be the first to leave just think about the place where you first met me ❞ 

commentary: this is quite literally the story of tahnee moving on to angel after chance. she used angel, that’s no surprise nor shock to anyone and she calls herself out on this track being very self aware that she was the bad guy  “us traitors never win” in this situation (not phased tho) the whole song can be summed up in one line “nothing good starts in a getaway car” and essentially that means nothing good comes from a rebound. 

8) EYES OPEN ❝ now we’ve stepped into a cruel world where everybody stands and keeps score // everybody’s waiting for you to breakdown, everybody’s watching to see the fallout  ❞ 

commentary: this is a massive @ at drama pages and gossip blogs even though she feeds in to them. she has seen everyone around her, people that she hates and people that she likes, try and stay composed only for everyone to be more entertained by the pain and break downs. “its a showdown, nobody comes to save you now” is referring to at your weakest point no one will come to your rescue because they’re too busy watching you fall apart.

9) PERMANENT MARKER  ❝ you were never good enough for him or anything like me so you might as well sit back because i ain’t tryin’a show maturity // X is the shape i drew through your face in permanent marker // i found that picture of you in that green dress, sure had a good time, cleaning up that mess ❞ 

commentary: yeah this is literally tahnee being a sarcastic asshole at throwing things mia has said out of proportion and writing a song from her point of view about chance.  “you were never good enough for him or anything like me” like this entire song is completely satirical and her making fun of mia being protective over chance. 

10) HOW TO GET THE GIRL ❝ say it’s been a long 6 months, that you were too afraid to tell her what you want // tell her how you must’ve lost your mind, when you left her all alone and never told her why // i want you for worse or for better, i would wait forever and ever, broke your heart i’ll put it back together. ❞ 

commentary: this is her, again, being very sarcastic about the couples in new york breaking up and getting back together and getting married (you know exactly which few couples this is at) even though her and margo doing the same ish. so this song is her “how to guide to winning over a girl when you’re useless” and just reciting every cliche line she’s ever heard a guy say. 

11) SHAKE IT OFF ❝ i stay out too late, got nothing in my brain, thats what people say // i go on too many dates, cause i can’t make ‘em stay at least thats what people say //  my ex man brought his new girlfriend and she’s like “oh my god!” but i’m just gonna shake and to the fella over there with the hella good hair won’t you come on over baby we can shake...❞ 

commentary: another self aware song, tahnee knows exactly what people say about her and she’s literally calling out things people have actually said about her in the song. all the while saying she doesn’t care and she shakes it off (unlike other people who say they don’t care tahnee actually couldn’t give you a fuck.)  and then she calls out her exes and their girlfriends bc when doesn’t she ??

complimentary tracks; 

13) I ALMOST DO ❝ i bet you think i’ve either moved on or hate you, because each time you reach out there’s no reply and i bet it’s never, ever occurred to that i can’t say hello to you and risk another goodbye // i bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city and i hope sometimes you wonder about me ❞ 

commentary: so this might be one of the few very serious, very heartfelt songs on the album. it’s her talking about how hard it’s been not speaking to margo and how every time she doesn’t call or text or reach out to her it’s only because she almost did. “and i just wanna tell you it takes everything in me not to call you” is one of the most raw lines in the song, her being honest and actually saying for once she finds it hard to let go and move on because she simply doesn’t want to get let go or move on from margo.

[of-wisdom-and-war-blog]

The one with the tattoos

As soon as I turned 18, I got my first tattoo. It didn’t have much meaning, but I really liked it, and my old best friend got one similar. I’m now up to 12 tattoos on my body. I have 1 with my best friends, 1 with my husband, 1 for each of my grandmothers, 1 for my mom, 1 for my brother, 1 from when i was depressed after an ex-boyfriend, an entire sidepiece of flowers that have no meaning except that they’re my favorite kinds. I have lyrics to my favorite Demi Lovato song, that says “Now I’m a warrior”, which was fitting for not only my love for Demi, but my name as well. I plan to one day get a partial sleeve to go with it of Athena herself. I can’t outgrow my name right? I have one I got on impulse that wasn’t my best decision on placement, and a tiny “ ; “ to represent a suicide movement… You could have ended your sentence, but you chose to continue.

As soon as I started getting them, every adult around me told me that I was ruining my body and I was going to regret them. Its been 10 years, and I don’t regret anything. They may not all be done the best, or in my favorite place, but at the time, thats what I wanted. That was where I was in my life. Each has a story. Each means something to me, even if it barely has a meaning in itself.

It may be a generational thing, but theres nothing like the hurt of when someone shames me for them. One time, a lady I just met said “no offense Athena, but people with tattoos… “ and continued to go on about how people with tattoos were less because of them. I cried and cried after that, I was so hurt and offended. One time, my mom didn’t talk to me for a week because she was so mad that I got another. When my grandmother was alive, she’d figure out or see whenever I had a new tattoo, and she was never happy about it, even if it was for family, but she finally told me “i’m not going to say anything, because I know that you’re not going to stop”, and just let it be.

I got a lot of tattoos in a short period of time when I was younger, and I slowly have gotten less because, aside from not having spare amounts of money to spend on them, I just didn’t want to hear more about how disappointed everyone around me was. It caused fights that I emotionally couldn’t take. I wanted to stop feeling bad for just being myself, but it was just easier to avoid the talk and arguments by just not getting them. “You won’t get a job with those tattoos”… But yet, I proved that I could. “You won’t want to see those on your wedding day”… I got married and I just happened to like a dress with sleeves, but I loved that my tattoos were still visible through the lace. “You’re ruining your body”… Last time I checked, my body still worked the same, and no ones called me ugly because of them. But am I? Am I less pretty because of my tattoos? Did I not get a job in my field because of my tattoos? Did they stop be from being a photographer/artist? Am I less of a daughter, or person for that matter, because I decided to use my body as a way to express myself and what means most to me? Am I a bad person because of the permanent art I have chosen? Part of my 2019 resolutions is to take better care of myself: mentally, physically, emotionally. That I need to learn that I shouldn’t care what anyone else says about anything in my life. That I need to do whats best for me, not for anyone else. If I keep caring about what everyone else thinks, then I’m going to lose sight of who I am and theres nothing worse than the regret of actually living the life I want. I’ve sat here, and typed out on this blog the most vulnerable words that I’ve ever said, and shared them with all of the people in my life that wanted to read it. I’m not ashamed of who I am or whats happened to me. I don’t regret for a second finally telling people that I’m a person too, and I have feelings and opinions of my own. This weekend, I’m getting a tattoo of my beloved dog that I lost last year. Its been in my mind for a long time and on the anniversary of the worst day of my life, I’m going to have him put on my skin, on my arm where its visible for me to always see, to continue to live on and be with me all of the time. I’m crying while writing this, for multiple reasons. 1: I miss my dog, and this past year has been the hardest to get through without him. 2: I’m trying to prepare for the emotional backlash that I will likely get again because of the decision that I’m making and my decision to write this post. Tattoos are meant to be art, a way to represent how you feel, an expression of yourself. Yeah, I could get a painting, but I don’t want one. I want it ON me. I want my body to show everything that I’ve ever lived through and loved. To say, "this is me", and not feel like less of a person, or less loved because of something so irrelevant to anyone elses life. Its not fair for anyone to judge and to try to take that away from me. I don’t want to disappoint anyone anymore, be judged, or hear about what I’m doing wrong, and how I’m ruining my body. I want people to start thinking of it in a better light and understand the world today. That this is what I want to do, and its not for you, and its not your body. 12 tattoos later, I think I was still able to prove myself to be the same person, and that no ones lives have changed because of my choices. If I regret a tattoo, thats on me and no one else. I’m going to continue to get tattoos, and life will continue to go on.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

It's official....I'm lactose intolerant.

After these past few years trying not to go over the limit 🙃 I guess my stomach finally had enough.

And got sick from me eating too much cereal to replace my childhood comfort whenever I felt like shit and needed a hug....or cuddle after masturbation...

Sigh....this sucks. Now my honeycombs, pops, trix, and all my fruity, sweet, unhealthy friends won't taste the same anymore 😕

Soy milk and almond milk only really tastes the best with healthier cereals like brann flakes, ommggg brann.....I'm so used to her last name I typed it brann, instead of bran.

Almond with Almond crunch or honey bunches of oats, or honey nut cheerios.

Soy milk actually did taste great with Strawberry Kellogs Flakes. I introduced them to grandma when I was staying with her and she said liked it and that it didn't hurt her stomach.

I guess we do have something else in common now. My celibacy from milk. No wonder she kept drinking that watered down milk and furina. The calcium powder stuff. I had a cat by that name. I thought it cute. It was like the word ballerina, mixed with her white soft fur, and her striped. Her eyes were either grayish blue in the light, and red if you saw her in the dark under the moonlight. She chased me around the living room the first time mom brought her home. I was always scared of new things and expected her to just stay right there so I could pet her and look at her. I didn't expect her to move and try to get so close to my face, which I feared her trying to scratch me, so I ran 😅 Furina so silly.

Does that mean I can't eat pizza anymore? I love pizza too 😋🥲 it helps me when I crave pizza whenever I think about you know who...

My pride gets in the way.

I finally sucked it up and ignore Jay's voice telling me that to stop stepping over my boundaries....cause Jay always wouldn't let me like the same stuff as them when they were angry or sexually frustrated at me for being a jerk, just because I wanted an actual relationship with another person, because Jay didn't wanna date me and respect me.

That's why I felt like I was doing something bad just because I was listening to country music or watching their favorite movies or shows 🤔 its like whatever was Jay's was there's and I could only watch whatever they didn't really care about or like as much as I already did. They didn't want me to know them behind the mask, so maybe that's why they didn't want me to like something that they liked. Because they thought they owned it.

And everytime I would try to listen to a song or a show, like today, that i knew they liked. Doctor Who Episode 1, season 1. I kept hearing Jay say "get off of me", "that's not yours", "you're only watching it because I like it", "why are you here", and "why don't you just go away." "You're overstepping boundaries."

And the smell of Ayunna's sugar cookies and Black Forest gummies...Jay's pizza rolls, pop, beer, Smirnoff White Ice, pop tarts, gushers kicks in.

Why did everything they like had to be there's? And why was I kept so separated from them even before and after, and I didn't see it was so organized....the isolation. They made fun of my differences, controlled and criticized everything they thought I needed to get rid of: the food I shared, the music I shared, the new hairstyle I tried....they suggested I should get an undercut and they were the only person to never compliment me after I worked so hard to make it and everywhere else I went everyone liked my blue green twists. Jay never said anything nice. Just things to change or make it better in the way they saw it...

clothes, they thought I could do better even when we weren't going anywhere special. The only time I got a compliment was when I was wearing a crop top and they said they could see my bra. That's the reason they liked it. Objectifying me for my legs whenever I wore shorts.

shoes.....ehhh. nothing.

persistently talked about how weird and different I was because I was just so different. They just didn't understand how hurt I was to be invited over to watch something or eat something with then and I got comments and criticism...as if I was so unwelcomed...even though you were the one that even asked me to get dressed, put on makeup for you and to come over your apartment whenever you felt like it. You would even say mean, rude, disrespectful shit like "this is why I don't ask you to come over" "can't take yo ass nowhere" "I'm not inviting you over anymore" and "why are you calling me"

You sound just like Darius. The other bully I had to get rid of for telling me "I hope you and your family choke on dirty brown water." After he heard about the flint water crisis and I told him Steve harvey had got us on the show to film an episode about it.

He was a hater, just like you. Pushed me away and kept coming back just like you. On and off, on and off, on and off, on and off.

You were the worst piece of shit to ever call a friend, Jay. You hit every wound I ever had in the book, and some I told you about and then threw me under the bus after you kept hitting those same wounds over and over again like you didn't care, on purpose. Because you wanted to have your way with me, control me, humiliate me, punish me, just like your words, your blocks on phone calls, social media, and everytime I tried to talk to you afterwards. You've bruised me worse than Darius and every other thing that rejected me, abandoned and emotionally neglected me.

And everyday I have to fight myself back and live with it, the pain of everything that reminds me of us, you, and her. And I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of feeling stings in my side, my heart, betrayal in my back. The knife in my chest still stings. And you have no idea what it feels like, nor do you care. Fuck off. Fuck you. I'm watching Doctor Who, Willoughbys, and that post office Klaus movie, because you don't control me anymore.

You're just the image of everything that was, and what is no more. You're not welcome here. Just as you made me feel before. You were the 1st and the last to ever get this close to me. You're eliminated. You are a irrelevant, unstable, and a pain in my ass.

I was never rude to you unless I left, or if you started to piss me off to the highest tolerance. And I tolerated so much shit from you. I was so patient waiting for you to unblock me and talk to me each and every semester you have a fucking, baby tempur tantrum about me not not doing something you wanted me to do. I'm not your fucking dog, I'm not your fucking child, I'm not your overweight fuck buddy that you can just fetishize and use because you have a milf titty addiction. Fuck you insecure bitch, wanna be a manwhore but have double standards for women like a straight up misogynist.

WELL NEWSFLASH BITCH YOU STILL ARE A GIRL, YOU WAS BORN A GIRL, AND NOBODY CAN UNSEE IT UNTIL YOU STOP TREATING PEOPLE LIKE A CHILDISH ANGELICA FROM RUGRATS. CONTROLLING AND PISSING OFF PEOPLE FOR YOUR PLEASURE MANHO.

KISS MY ASS AND IDGAF IF YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME, GROW A DEEPER VOICE, AND GROW A DICK. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE AS MUCH BALLS AS ME. CAUSE IM PROBABLY THE 1ST PERSON TO EVER CALL YO DUMBASS OUT. LEARN HOW TO BE A MAN THAT RESPECTS WOMEN AND DOESN'T ACT LIKE A JEALOUS BITCH JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NEW AND DIFFERENT TO YOU. UNTIL YOU LEARN EMPATHY, HOW TO LISTEN, HOW TO EVEN REMEMBER, HOW TO BREATHE, AND HOW TO BE A TRUE, HONEST, CONSIDERATE, MORAL, RESPONSIBLE LEADER, LIKE MY FATHER. THEN I'LL SEE YOU AS A MAN.

TILL THEN, YOU A BITCH AND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE. THAT GOES FOR ANY MAN, TRANS OR NOT.

IF YOU TREAT WOMEN LIKE THIS MITCH DOES, YALL ALLLLL BITCHES TOO. YO MOMMA AND YO DADDY TOO FOR NOT TEACHING YOU RIGHT FROM WRONG. YOU DONT PUT FEAR AND DISRESPECT, ANGER AND CONTROL, TO EARN ANYONE'S RESPECT. RESPECT IS LEARNED. RESPECT IS EARNED.

THATS WHY YOU AND HER DONT EVEN HAVE TRUE FRIENDS. THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU THINK YOU NEED TO RESPECT IS JUST YALL 2, AND FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE. IF THATS HOW YALL FEEL.

THEN YOULL ALWAYS BE ALONE. YOU STUPID, IGNORANT ASS, DUMB BITCH. FUCK YOU TWO DRY ASS, BASIC ASS BECKY, HOES. HOPE YOUR NECKS HURT FROM TALKING SO MUCH SHIT, YOU SOUND LIKE A DOG CHOKING ON YOUR ON YOUR PLASTIC DICKS.

YOU FUCKIN DILDO.