#which i think is the best compromise one could aim for in this situation

[betweenheroesandvillains]

there is something quite nice about paliative care for your pet because for a short while you know they can keep being their best self and you get to say goodbye to that version of them

[thenerdykneazle]

Fast Asleep

Summary: Sebastian finds himself unable to resist his curiosity when late nights fighting baddies cause the two of you to repeatedly spend the night in the Room of Requirement together. He justifies his actions at first - as he does best - but he quickly spirals out of control.

Sebastian Sallow x F!MC

Second person but Seb's perspective

Word count: 9856

Warnings: 18+, sexually explicit content, aged-up characters, non-consensual somnophilia, dead dove, loss of virginity / first time

Seriously, this is the most unhinged thing I've ever written. Please take care of yourself and do not read if it will trigger you or you're uncomfortable with the subject matter. This is a far cry from my last few fluffy pieces.

It had started innocently enough. It was out of necessity, after all, that you were in the situation to begin with. He hadn’t planned or manipulated anything. But Sebastian was not one to pass up an opportunity when it was so perfectly presented to him.

Truthfully, the first time Sebastian slept with you was totally innocent. It was just sleeping. You’d been out adventuring far too late and rather than risk getting caught wandering the halls, you flooed directly into the Room of Requirement, which had produced a bedroom with a set of twin beds. You each slept in your own until you awoke screaming. You’d had a nightmare about one of the poachers that you’d just faced hitting Sebastian with a killing curse rather than the near-miss that had happened in real life.

You were screaming his name, and no one would sleep through that. Sebastian had awoken with a start and immediately rushed to you, asking what was wrong and if you were hurt. You told him about your dream. He sat on the edge of your bed and just held you. You couldn’t bear not being able to confirm that he was okay, so you asked him to bring his bed next to yours. He levitated it over, and you watched him for nearly an hour before you were able to fall asleep again.

The next time late-night adventuring brought you both to the Room of Requirement, Sebastian had to support you as you limped along. You’d taken several hard hits in the spider den, and you’d both run out of wiggenwelds. He sat you on the nearest chair before grabbing an extra phial of the green liquid from your cabinet.

“I still think you should go to Nurse Blainey,” Sebastian said gravely.

You waved him off. “I’m fine,” you insisted. You could feel your deep-set bruises fading already.

“It’s not worth the risk,” he argued firmly.

You rolled your eyes. “I’ll go in the morning. I’m tired,” you said, aiming for a compromise like you always did.

“You could be bleeding internally. You could die in your sleep!” Sebastian said, trying not too sound too panicked. He knew his eyes betrayed just how scared he was. “I can’t let something bad happen to you.”

You sighed, which frustrated him because he knew you were going to keep arguing. “I can tell it’s not that serious. I just want to sleep, Seb,” you said pleadingly.

Sebastian’s jaw tensed. He had a very, very difficult time saying no to you. He agreed to let you sleep under the condition that he could check on you every hour. You agreed, and you went to your respective beds. You fell asleep quickly, but Sebastian couldn’t. He was too worried. He watched you sleep – or tried to, but the room was dim, and it was hard to see if you were breathing.

After twenty minutes, he got up and padded his bare feet across the room until he stood beside your bed. He could hear and see your soft breathing as he knelt by your bed. “MC?” he whispered.

No response.

“MC?” he called louder.

You groaned and stirred. “Bash?” you replied, barely lifting your head as you squinted up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I…I just wanted to be sure you’re all right,” he said.

You nuzzled back into your pillow. “Mhmm, just sleeping,” you replied groggily.

“Not dizzy or having headaches, right?” he inquired anxiously.

“No, just tired. Go back to bed,” you said.

So, he did. For another twenty minutes. Then, he got up again and walked back over to convince himself you were still breathing. He had no idea what he’d do if he let something bad happen to you. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself. He already felt guilty that you’d gotten injured so many times that night. There were just so many spiders.

The creaking of the floor woke you up before Sebastian even reached you.

“What time is it?” you grumbled, clearly irritated at being awoken again.

Sebastian checked. “Half one,” he replied.

You groaned and rolled over, away from him. “Go to sleep, Bash,” you groused.

“I’m just worried,” he said, trying to get you to understand. “I have this awful feeling that something’s wrong. Like I’m gonna check and you won’t be breathing.”

You huffed and turned over again. You lifted your blanket up. “Get in,” you ordered.

Sebastian blinked at you. “What?” he asked.

“Get in,” you repeated more harshly. “If you wake me up again, I’ll hex you. You can keep an eye on me from here. Now, hurry up. I want to sleep.”

Sebastian didn’t wait to be told again. He slipped under your covers. You turned onto your right side again, facing away from him and toward the wall. You reached back and grabbed his hand. He blushed, and he was very glad your back was to him. He squeezed your fingers in his, relishing their warmth.

You brought his hand to a spot high on your stomach. “Here. You can feel me breathing,” you stated. “Good night.”

You left his hand on your stomach and tucked your own under your head.

Sebastian briefly felt very silly for thinking you were just trying to hold his hand. He found it hard for his mood to stay depressed as he lay so close to you, though. He focused on the feeling of your breaths as they deepened, evening out as you drifted off. He nuzzled into your neck, where he could feel your pulse. He left the rest of his body disconnected from yours.

At some point, he succumbed to sleep, as well. He woke up still in the dark to the rather startling sound of you retching. You were leaned over the far side of the bed. Sebastian grabbed his wand, vanished your sick, and conjured a bucket in record time. He held your hair and rubbed your back as you panted after seemingly ejecting all of your organs.

“I think I have a concussion,” you said weakly.

“We’re going to Nurse Blainey,” he stated firmly.

You just nodded. You couldn’t tolerate the thought of going by floo, so Sebastian had to walk you to the infirmary. You vomited several times on the way.

After that, Sebastian always slept in your bed when you stayed in the Room of Requirement. Insisting you were fine despite being concussed lost you your credibility with him. He was always worried you were injured without realising it. The next three stays, you fell asleep side-by-side with Sebastian’s hand on your stomach and face pressed into your neck. He realised you had a very high heart rate for someone so active, though it would always slow after you fell asleep. He supposed it took a while for the adrenaline to wear off after one of your escapades. So, he stopped worrying quite so much about it.

But lying in bed next to you was a comfort and a torture. He could convince himself you were fine, which was a relief. On the other hand, your heat sank into his skin and the scent of your shampoo filled his nose, which drove him crazy. He made a fatal error during the fourth time he slept next to you when he opened his eyes. He had just meant to look to see his hand rising and falling with your breathing, because he stopped being sure he really felt it. He might have been imagining the sensations and sounds that he expected, but he didn’t think his mind could conjure the sight of it. So, he checked.

Well, he intended to. But his first view upon opening his eyes was down the front of your nightgown. He knew it wasn’t his fault that he saw your cleavage pressed together through the gap at your loose collar. But he also knew he couldn’t claim innocence when he immediately brushed away a lock of hair that had partially obstructed his view.

Sebastian bit his lip as he continued to stare at the smooth skin of your breasts. He’d never seen a woman’s bare curves from so close before. Hogwarts uniforms didn’t exactly feature brazen displays of décolletage – or even hint at it. He’d only had the odd distant glimpse of the more progressively dressed women in Hogsmeade.

As he took in every detail of the exposed region of your chest, he began to feel that he was being rather invasive. He thought that he probably ought to look away. On the other hand, he could tell by your breasts’ slight rise and fall that you were definitely still breathing. Would it be wrong of him to make sure you didn’t stop? That was the whole point of him sleeping next to you, after all.

So, Sebastian kept his gaze – in the interest of health and safety. The longer her looked, though, the more his fingers itched to touch, as well. Your breasts looked so full and soft. He wondered if he could fit each fully in his hand. He wasn’t sure, but his fingers were quite long. His fingers on your stomach fanned and stretched as he thought about it. He shouldn’t. He couldn’t. To touch you without permission…You’d be furious.

Though, you’d never know, he reasoned. So, how could you be upset? You were more likely to be angered by him asking to touch you when you were awake. Really, it would be better for you if he sated himself while you were unconscious. He was now desperate to find out what you felt like – he had to know. So, there were only two options: offend you or keep a secret. So, really, there was only one option.

Heart thundering in his chest, Sebastian slowly slid his left hand up your stomach, dragging the cotton nightgown up a bit with it. He moved just a few centimetres, then stopped. He watched and listened. There was no change. He slowly released the breath he’d been holding. After a few more seconds, when he was sure you were still fast asleep, he slid his hand a bit higher. He tucked his hand just under your breasts and froze again. He got just a taste of the weight of them, and his cock twitched in his pyjamas.

He could barely hear your soft, rhythmic breaths over the blood rushing in his ears.

He carefully lifted his thumb, stroking between your breasts over your nightgown. The quietest moan escaped Sebastian’s lips, but you slept on, undisturbed. He wanted urgently to fill his palm with your perfectly formed flesh, but he forced himself to move slowly. He stroked the inside of your right breast with his thumb, squeezing it lightly with his index finger still underneath it. It was Heaven.

Emboldened by your heavy sleep, he brought his fingers up over the pillowy mound and flexed them into it. He was practically panting now. His cock was hard and straining against the confines of his garments, trying to reach out to you – begging for Sebastian to press his hips forward and rut them against your backside. He resisted the urge to comply.

Instead, he circled the pads of his fingers on your flesh until his felt your nipple poke through the thin nightgown. You were asleep – totally unaware – but your body responded to him, anyway. Sebastian groaned at the feeling of the pebbled tip under his fingers. It was too loud.

He froze in fear, not even able to pull his incriminating hand off your breast. He was done for. You’d murder him for this. He knew you would. Worse, you’d never speak to him again.

But you slept on. Your breathing hadn’t changed at all.

Sebastian needed to stop. He knew he did. He’d already pushed his luck too far. But the need to feel your other breast as well overpowered anything else. He cupped your left breast in his hand, lightly dragging his thumb over it so that your nipple hardened to his touch.

Fuck.

Feeling your body become aroused to his touch was intoxicating. His dick was throbbing for attention. But just feeling you wasn’t enough. Just like with your breathing. He needed to see you. Gods, it was so wrong. He knew it was. But he had to.

Sebastian gripped the neck of your nightgown. He hesitated. Was he really going through with this? It was a violation of your privacy. Of your trust. You felt safe sleeping next to him.

Fuck. He couldn’t do that to you.

But he so desperately wanted to see you. Find out what colour your nipples were. The size of your areolas. He wanted to know every detail. Maybe even taste you.

He brought his right hand to cup himself over his trousers. He squeezed his shaft with a punishing grip, trying to get even a small bit of relief from his aching cock.

He still had his fist clenched around the collar of your nightgown. He should’ve let go. He’d meant to – the moment he decided not to look, he’d meant to let go. He tugged the collar down just a bit as he was focused on his right hand touching himself. It was on accident, probably. Definitely. He hadn’t meant to. But now the backs of his fingers were pressed into the top of your breast. It was so soft, and a new wave of desire swallowed him. He just had to see you and feel your skin on his own. Gods, he needed it.

He pulled the fabric down further until your left breast was completely exposed. He teased your nipple before palming your breast. He had to stretch his fingers out wide to envelop it. He could just barely fit the whole thing in his hand. An exact fit. Like you were made for him.

“Fuck, MC,” he hissed.

He hadn’t meant to say it out loud. You stirred a bit as an unintelligible noise left your lips. Sebastian quickly righted your nightgown before returning his hand to your stomach. His heart was beating out of his chest, pounding against his ribs as it tried to break through them.

Were you awake? Had you noticed what he’d done?

You shifted slightly, and then you were still. Your rhythmic breathing returned.

It was a very close call.

Sebastian thought he should pop out and take care of his…current state…before he did something else stupid and woke you for real. But he was nervous to leave you alone. He was still genuinely afraid something bad was going to happen to you. So, he stayed. He just lay there and suffered through the aching desire that had consumed him until his body finally calmed down.

He woke up the next morning extremely hard – way worse than the usual morning wood. It took a good bit of finesse to keep you from noticing. But that was the only evidence of his misdeeds the prior night. After you parted ways, he successfully made it back to his dorm without anyone noticing his…predicament. Once alone, he was quick to close himself in his bed for a wank. It wasn’t the first time he’d touched himself to thoughts of you, but it was the first time his imaginings were more memory than pure fantasy.

The next time he slept next to you in the Room of Requirement, he was hard before you even fell asleep. You rehashed your raid of the goblin camp before really settling down for bed. Sebastian decided he quite liked lying in bed and talking with you. He might like to do it forever. Aside from the anxiety of all the injuries you might have, he vastly preferred sleeping with you in the Room of Requirement to his dorm. And not just because of his new discovery of just how fantastic your tits were.

Though, speaking of them, he was quite eager to say hello. He couldn’t stop thinking of them since he’d gotten to see and feel them a few days ago. He was distracted in every single class the two of you shared, especially potions that day. All class he had watched you as you leaned over your cauldron, your robe off and tie loose. The steam from your cauldron brought a rosy flush to your cheeks – not to mention what it did to your hair. He imagined it was the sort of dishevelled look you’d have after being freshly fucked in the potions supply room. It had him running to the nearest broom cupboard to take care of himself as soon as Sharp had dismissed you all.

Sebastian waited for fifteen agonising minutes after you’d fallen asleep before he dared to move. He’d stop at tucking his hand under your breasts. He just wanted to be close to them again. He wouldn’t be as risky as last time. Or as invasive.

As soon as his hand was under your breasts, his thumb automatically tucked up between them. It was basically a reflex. But that would be as far as he went. Just stroking his thumb between your breasts.

But as he stroked the inside of your right breast again, he realised how lonely it seemed without your arm tucked under it this time. So, he held it for you. He brought his thumb down underneath your gown’s neckline and let out a little whimper as he grazed over your hardened nipple – skin-to-skin.

Not wanting to be unfair, he pulled your gown aside to take out your left breast and palmed it, too. After all, he loved them equally.

He marvelled at how perfectly you fit in his hand. He thought he might’ve imagined it last time, swept up in seeing tits – your tits, no less – for the first time. He bit back a moan as he massaged the flesh. He couldn’t stand how beautiful you were. Every inch of you. It really wasn’t fair. How was he supposed to stay away?

Sebastian carefully raised himself up on his right elbow, doing his best not to shift the bed under you. He needed a better look. Nuzzled into your neck kept him close to your breasts, but he wanted to take in the whole of them. He adjusted the gown so it was pulled down beneath both breasts.

And Gods, they were gorgeous.

He ran his left hand over them, going back and forth to give them equal attention. They were so soft. So pretty. So responsive. Just perfect. He cupped his hand under your left breast. Before he even realised what he was doing, his head had dipped down and his tongue was against your nipple. He licked languid stripes up and down before sucking the bud into his mouth.

You let out a soft sigh.

Sebastian released you with a pop. He just hovered, your breast still in his hand and his mouth centimetres from your wet nipple.

You didn’t stir further.

Unable to resist, he latched back onto your nipple. He kept suckling until you let out a breathy moan. He fixed your gown and moved his hand back down in a fraction of a second. As you shifted, he could tell you were waking up.

“MC?” he said quietly.

Your eyes fluttered open. “Bash?”

“It’s me, darling. Are you all right? You were groaning in your sleep.” He felt a knot twist in his stomach. He wasn’t sure if it was guilt from lying or anxiety that you knew exactly why you’d been ‘groaning.’

Your cheeks flushed as you looked up at him. “Oh, sorry. Just, erm, a bad dream.” You cleared your throat. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

Sebastian had to repress a grin. You wouldn’t be so embarrassed over a ‘bad dream.’ He reckoned his actions were seeping into your subconscious, making you dream about what was happening to your body. The thought made him shiver. “I’m sorry, love. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Oh, uh, n-no. That’s okay,” you said. Even in the dim light, Sebastian could see that your face was positively flaming. Bad dream, indeed.

“Okay. Just rest then, love. I’ve got you,” he said. Sebastian settled back down onto his side. He tugged you closer to his chest, wanting to comfort you on the off chance that you had actually been having a nightmare. He was careful to keep his hips a safe distance from your bum, though.

“All right,” you agreed. You relaxed into him, and it wasn’t long before you drifted off again.

As much as he wanted to test his theory, Sebastian resolved to get some sleep. No more touching tonight. Or ever. He really shouldn’t be fondling your breasts while you sleep, no matter how lonely they seem.

At least, he had resolved to stop until he nuzzled back into your neck and breathed in your scent. He smelled your shampoo, which was delicious as ever. But that wasn’t all he could smell. He could smell your arousal. Your little pussy must’ve been dripping for him while you slept.

Merlin, he wanted to dip in and feel you – feel how slick he’d made you. He had to know. Your body was practically calling to him, after all.

You shifted a bit in bed, your hips moving around slightly before settling again.

He wondered if you were feeling worked up, too. Gods, he hoped you were.

Once he was sure you were back in deep sleep, Sebastian began sneaking his hand down your stomach. He could feel the top of your knickers through your gown. He began pulling up the fabric slowly. Painfully slowly. Until your knickers were exposed. It was torture to have to control his movements so rigorously. He just wanted to be able to explore you. To ravish you like you deserved.

A terrible, tempting thought struck his mind. He could stun you. Already asleep, you’d never know. He’d be free to do whatever he liked, and you wouldn’t be able to feel any of it. He could strip you bare, runs his hands wherever he pleased, even fuck you. You’d be none the wiser. Save likely being sore after from that last one.

Sebastian was ashamed of how alluring the idea was to him. But he would never go that far. He wanted you to experience when he touched you. Your body was clearly receptive to him. On some level, you must want his touch. He was sure of it. And he certainly wanted you aware the first time he fucked you. No, not just fucked. Made love. Because he loved you. He really did. He just wasn’t sure you’d let him touch you yet the ways he wanted if you were awake. Despite all the rules you broke together, you were rather concerned with being a respectable young woman. Even if you let him, he was quite sure you’d regret it later.

Like this, he could give your body pleasure without you feeling guilty about it. And if he enjoyed the process, well, that was a secondary benefit. At least, that was what Sebastian told himself as he slipped his hand into your knickers. He traced down through the thatch of curls until he found the lips of your cunt. He cupped over you, trying to keep his breaths even as he listened to make sure you hadn’t stirred.

You were so warm down there. It was…inviting, to say the least.

He pressed his middle finger down between your lips, and he felt the hot, slick arousal that coated you. Gods, you were drenched. Sebastian bit his lip hard to hold back a moan.

Fuck, what he would give to bury himself inside you. You were so fucking wet. He bet he’d slide right in. He might even be able to slip into you before you woke up. His cock was leaking just at the thought of it.

Sebastian slid his finger slowly through your folds. He could feel your entrance, and he traced around it, feeling the contours. He swept up higher until he found the little pearl he was sure was your clitoris. Other men had trouble finding them? He couldn’t understand why. It really wasn’t that difficult.

As he slid his finger over the nub, your hips jolted, and Sebastian ripped his hand back.

You gasped as you bolted into a sitting position.

“Are you okay? Did I–I mean, are you hurt?” Sebastian asked, worried he’d injured you.

You were panting. “S-sorry, I…I mean, no. I’m fine,” you stammered.

As Sebastian tried to subtly, though regrettably, wipe your arousal from his hand, he realised the smell of sex in the air was quite obvious. You seemed to notice, too, as your cheeks were red again. You pressed your legs together.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sebastian asked guiltily.

You nodded vigorously. “Yeah, just had a…a strange dream again, is all.”

Sebastian could’ve cried with relief. He’d escaped being caught by a narrow thread twice in one night. You were convinced it was only dreams. “Anything I can do to help?” he asked, hoping irrationally that you’d say something like ‘act it out with me.’

“I’m, um, a bit warm. Maybe just some extra space between us?” you suggested.

Sebastian tried not to pout. That was the opposite of what he wanted. He agreed, though. He was just happy that by some miracle you hadn’t caught him with his hand in your knickers.

Sebastian gave you the extra space. You were able to fall asleep again fairly quickly. He struggled, though. The adrenaline of both feeling your sweet little cunt and almost being caught doing so was doing him no favours. The bigger issue, though, was no longer having his hand on your stomach to feel you breathing. He stared at the spot, watching the rise and fall. Whenever his eyes drifted shut for a few seconds, he’d jolt awake, panicked that you’d have stopped breathing. That went on for hours.

The next morning, you could tell that he was exhausted. You weaselled the less salacious half of the reason out of him. You assured him you were fine and insisted that he go get some rest in his dorm.

He did as instructed – after relieving some tension first. He lay on his bed with his right hand wrapped around his cock. There was still the faint scent of you on his left hand. His eyes rolled back as he inhaled. You were intoxicating. Addicting. He came hard as he breathed you in. Rather than sated, he just felt desperate to spend another night with you.

His chance came just two nights later. Which was good, because he was going crazy. He had to go about his days like everything was normal while the urges to bury his face, fingers, and cock between your thighs nearly overwhelmed him. He was surprised he could even fight, but it turned out to be a really good way to work out some of his mounting stress. He did drag things out a bit, though, so that the two of you arrived back at the castle after curfew.

Once in the Room of Requirement, you fetched a potion before heading to the bedroom. Sebastian didn’t recognise the purple liquid at first. “What’s that?”

“Potion for dreamless sleep,” you said. “I didn’t want to keep you up again.”

“Oh, er, are you sure?” he asked. “I mean, should you take that if you could be injured?”

“I barely took a single hit tonight. I’m fine, Seb,” you insisted.

His heart stuttered. He loved when you called him that. It was so familiar. Fond, even. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” he tried. He was sure that it was a bad idea, just not for reasons he cared to admit at the moment.

You rolled your eyes. “You can feel me breathe if you need convincing. But we both need sleep.”

Before he could argue further, you downed the brew.

Shit. That wasn’t good.

You transfigured your clothes into your usual nightgown and crawled in bed. Sebastian slipped in behind you. You fell asleep almost instantly.

Sebastian knew the potion made one drowsy and not have dreams. He wasn’t certain it made the drinker a heavier sleeper, though. It wasn’t like draught of living death, at any rate. He told himself you’d wake just as easily as always. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on your breathing as he forced his fidgety fingers to stay on your stomach.

But he couldn’t resist forever. He had to know if you were out.

“MC?” he whispered.

Nothing.

Then, louder, he repeated, “MC?”

Still nothing.

He shook your shoulder firmly as he called your name a third time, but you just slept on. Sebastian groaned, squeezing his eyes shut as he buried his face in your neck.

He would just go to sleep. He wouldn’t do anything. Just sleep.

He tried to get comfortable, snuggling in closer behind you. He breathed in the scent of your shampoo as he took deep, relaxing breaths. Or at least, he had hoped they’d be relaxing. They were more intoxicating than anything.

Sebastian’s lips pressed into your neck – just needing the contact. Though, it quickly turned into a tail of kisses up to a spot behind your ear. You sighed in your sleep contently. The sound went straight to Sebastian’s cock as he realised that, even with the potion, your body was still responding to him.

He held you closer with his arm around your middle. “I’ve got you, love,” he purred in your ear. “I’ll take care of you. I promise.”

He felt a pang of guilt as he considered the fact that he was meant to be keeping you safe. The whole reason he shared your bed was to make sure you weren’t hurt – not to feel you up while you slept. But, on the other hand, you seemed so relaxed by his touch. You were normally so stressed with the weight of all that you carried. He could give you relief.

You moaned as he palmed your breast over your gown, his fingers massaging into the flesh. His thumb teased your nipple. The action had a familiarity for him now like returning home at the end of the school year.

He trailed his hand back down your stomach, across your side, and over your bum. Your knee was bent up in front of you, pulling your skin and muscle taught over your backside. Sebastian traced the curve of your arse down to the back of your knee and then up again.

He grabbed a handful of the rounded flesh, kneading it roughly. He groaned at the feeling of your bum in his hand. He wanted to squeeze it, bite it, even slap it and watch the skin turn red before soothing it with his tongue.

He pressed his hips forward into you. His hard cock was welcomed by your arse, nestling in between your cheeks. Sebastian groaned at the embrace. His hips rutted against you, making more moans pour from his lips.

“Gods, you feel so fucking good, MC,” he groaned. He gripped your hip to give himself more leverage to grind against you. “Your arse is perfect, darling. All of you is so perfect.”

He pulled up your nightgown, exposing your knickers. Sebastian circled his hand around your firm bum before dipping it under the waistband of your knickers to feel your skin directly. His teeth sunk into his bottom lip. Your skin was so soft on his fingers. It was maddening, making him crave to explore every inch of you.

He slid his hand forward between your thighs where your slick arousal met him as he parted your folds. He let a loud moan slip out. “Fuck, you’re so wet for me, darling,” he breathed. “Such a good girl, even when you’re asleep.”

He stroked languidly through your folds before sliding further forward, seeking out your clit. His muscles were tensed, ready to rip his hand out of your knickers the instant you began to wake.

You moaned softly as he found and massaged the sensitive nub.

“Fuck, MC. You moan so pretty for me,” he praised. “Gods, I love you!”

You whimpered as he kept rubbing your bud with his fingers.

Sebastian quickly grew fed up with your knickers restricting him. He grabbed his wand, vanished them, and returned his hand to you instantly.

He shoved his right arm under you to wrap around your waist, holding you against his chest. He started thrusting against you again. “I want you so badly, MC,” he groaned. “Gods, I need to feel you around me. Would you like that? Having me fill your little pussy up with my cock?”

You kept whimpering as his left hand worked your clit. But he struggled to keep a rhythm with his nondominant hand. He replaced it with his right one, reaching down between your thighs from the front. He used the middle finger on his left hand to push inside of your cunt. He moaned, hips stuttering on your arse, as your plush walls gripped him.

Sebastian could hardly get his breath. “Fuck,” he groaned, unable to put together anything more eloquent as you continued to squeeze him. His mind was blissfully blank – the only salient thought in his head was how much he never wanted to stop being inside of you.

He pumped his finger in and out of you, while his other hand found a steady pace on your clit.

“I’m gonna make you come, darling,” he said. “I promised I’d take care of you. Now I will, okay?”

Still snapping his hips into your bum, Sebastian worked your cunt, building up the pleasure in your body. He could feel your soaked channel really start to squeeze him. Your whimpering grew louder, and your muscles tensed.

“That’s it, darling,” Sebastian said, gritting the words out between thrusts of his hips. His fingers moved furiously over your clit, desperate to bring you to your high. “You’re doing so good. So good, MC.”

He was in awe as you suddenly tensed fully, moaning out as your pussy spasmed around Sebastian’s finger. He was certain you would wake, but he was too enthralled to care. The sounds you made. The feeling of your body rigid and overwhelmed by his touch. Your tight cunt clamping down on him. He was in ecstasy.

Your body went limp, and Sebastian felt your aftershocks as he continued to pump his finger into you slowly, not yet willing to leave your warmth. And still, you continued to sleep.

“Sweet Salazar, that was beautiful,” he said, nuzzling into your neck. “You’re beautiful, MC.”

You whimpered once more as he slid his finger out of you. He left his right hand just resting over your cunt, cupping you protectively.

No longer enraptured by watching you come, Sebastian became painfully aware of how hard his cock was. It throbbed where it was pinned between his hips and your bum.

He ran his fingers on the inside of your thighs, gliding over the arousal that had leaked down onto them. Sebastian bit down into his lip as he drew your leg back, pressing your thighs together. He slid his hand between them. He groaned as he imagined his cock between your slick thighs instead of his fingers.

But that would be crossing a line. It was one thing to bring you pleasure as you slept. It was another thing entirely to use you for his own. But he couldn’t deny how incredible you’d feel.

He’d ripped his pyjamas and pants down while he was still debating with himself. He’d just feel your skin on his. Just once, briefly. He’d satisfy his curiosity, and then he’d go to sleep.

He moaned as he rubbed his cock between your arse cheeks. It was a feeling his hand could never compare to. Just the fact that it was you against him made it far superior, despite the lack of lubrication there. He used a charm when he got himself off, wetting his cock with an imitation of the slick coating your thighs.

Sebastian gripped the base of his shaft as he changed the angle of his hips. He’d just dip in, lubricate himself, and then have a wank. Technically, it wasn’t that different than touching your thighs with his hands – and he’d already done that.

He shuddered as he slid in between your thighs. He hadn’t realised how warm it would be. Gods, it was amazing. He was thrusting in and out before he even realised. It was necessary, though, to get enough of your juices on him. He could hardly have just done one swipe through your slick and been ready to go.

He grabbed onto your hip with his left hand. His right moved to anchor on your abdomen. He was panting as his thrusts sped up. “Fuck, you’re amazing,” he groaned. And you were. Warm, wet, and squeezing him perfectly. His eyes rolled back at the feeling.

Sebastian was hurtling toward an orgasm. Rookwood himself couldn’t stop him at that point if he resurrected and burst into the room. Sebastian’s brain was half melted as pleasure overtook his usual faculties. His only thoughts were how good you felt and how badly he needed release. “Fuck, MC! Yes! Gods, you’re gonna milk my fucking cock with these thighs!”

He came with a shout. His cum shot out in spurts, adding to the slick between your thighs and leaking out over them in front and back. Some even burst out as he was fully buried between your thighs, staining the bedsheets.

He lay boneless and draped over you as he caught his breath. Once he regained use of his limbs, he sat up and pressed kisses to your temple. He nuzzled into your skin and whispered his love for you and how good you’d been for him.

He cast a cleaning charm, removing the mixture of fluids from the bed and your skin.

Erasing the evidence.

A sharp pang of guilt struck his stomach like a bludger as he pulled his pyjamas back up.

He curled around you, holding you close. “I’m so sorry,” he muttered into your ear. “Really, I am, MC. I just needed you so badly. Just like your body needed me. But I’m sorry. So sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Sebastian woke the next morning with the guilt deep in his bones. He held your sleeping form close, hoping and praying that he hadn’t hurt you – physically or emotionally. He’d been out of control the night before. But he’d tried to stop you from taking that damned potion. Still, he’d promised himself after the Scriptorium that he’d never do anything to hurt you again. There was only one way to make sure that happened.

You stirred as sunlight from a window hit your face. You groaned and flipped around to bury your face in Sebastian’s chest, hiding from the light. He wished he could hide, too.

“MC?” he asked.

“Mm,” you replied, refusing to lift your head. You adjusted the gown you wore. It had twisted up a bit as you flipped over.

Sebastian raked your hair out of your face with his fingers, letting them linger in your locks for just a moment longer than necessary. He was savouring being close to you. You might never let him near you again. “I…I need to tell you something,” he said.

“Now?” you whinged.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “It’s…important,” he said.

You tilted your head back to squint up at him through the bright light. “What is it?” you asked, obviously worried.

He took a deep breath. He had to tell you. He owed you that much. “I’ve been doing��things while you’ve been sleeping.”

Your brows furrowed together. “Things?” You were squinting less but still groggy, and Sebastian wasn’t making sense.

“Yes. Things I shouldn’t’ve done. I’m sorry. I really am. I just couldn’t help myself.”

“Sebastian, what on earth are you talking about?”

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, working to force the words out. “I’ve been, erm, touching you when we sleep together.” He felt like he was going to be sick. How had he let it go so far?

To his shock, you laughed in his face. “Yeah, Bash, I know.”

You did? Why were you so calm about it? Had you liked it? Had you been awake the whole time?

His thoughts raced in the short pause before you continued, “I put your hand on my stomach, remember?”

His heart sank with the weight of even more guilt at your implicit trust of him. You couldn’t fathom he’d betray you like he had. “Not just there. Other places,” he admitted. His face flamed.

You just kept looking at him with a confused expression marring your features.

“Your…erm, your bum and breasts and…your cunt. Not just rubbing you, but I…I fingered you. And I – Merlin, I’m so sorry – I put my…” He had to stop and take a deep breath. “I fucked your thighs last night.”

The lines in your forehead deepened. “You…what? Bash, that’s not funny. Why are you saying this?”

His heart nearly shattered. Here he was telling you explicitly what he’d done, and you still couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t known admitting his sins would mean having to convince you they really happened. “I’m not joking. It’s…it’s true. I’m so sorry.”

You gaped at him. You thought back to the last several nights you’d spent together. The dreams you’d been having – even last night after taking the potion. You felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on your head. “Why?” you asked.

“I just couldn’t resist you. Or I didn’t want to,” he said. He didn’t want to act like he hadn’t made a choice. He knew he did. “Being so close to you. I just wanted you so badly. I’ve always wanted you – ever since the day we met. And when I touched you, you’d moan or sigh and your nipples got hard and you were wet. Like you liked it. But I know you would feel guilty about doing those things with me. So, I told myself that touching you while you slept meant I could make you feel good and you wouldn’t have to feel guilty, because you had no choice. But really, I just like it and didn’t want to stop. And then I kept going further. And last night…with your thighs…that was just to make me feel good. I’m so sorry. I won’t let it happen again. I won’t sleep in your bed anymore.”

Your head was spinning as you tried to process all the information. In the end, all you could say was, “I guess that explains why my knickers are gone.”

Sebastian hadn’t realised he’d forgotten to replace them. He scolded himself for being so stupid. Not that it mattered now after his confession.

You felt like you should be terrified. Sprint out of the room. Report him to Black or Weasley. But this was Sebastian. You’d been through so much together. You cared about him so much. You–

“I’m so sorry, MC,” he said, interrupting your thoughts. You had been quiet for too long, and he couldn’t take it. “I love you, and I promised myself I’d never hurt you again. But I fucked up so badly. I know making you come isn’t exactly the cruciatus curse, but it was a violation, and it’s probably worse in a lot of ways. You’d given me permission in the Scriptorium, at least.”

So, you had come like you dreamt. Of all the things you could have or should have felt, you felt relieved that you hadn’t totally missed the first time Sebastian made you orgasm. Or, what you assumed was the first time. It was still all so confusing. “Was that the first time?” you asked.

Sebastian shook his head, and your heart sank. “I touched your breasts after we rescued all those nifflers from poachers last week.”

Now you were confused. You really doubted you could orgasm just from your breasts being touched. The question escaped before could control your tongue. “You’re sure I came?”

“Last night?” Sebastian asked as his cheek flushed. “I mean, pretty sure. I–I’d never seen a girl orgasm before, but from what I’ve heard…Well, and I could feel…” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “Feel…the pulses with…with my finger in you.” He couldn’t look at you.

Your brow furrowed again. “I’m confused,” you stated. “Last week was the first time you made me orgasm or last night was?”

He looked at you again. “Last week was the first time I touched you. Last night was the first time I fingered you and the first time you came. As far as I know. But I feel like I’d have noticed,” he said.

You nodded in understanding. You were quiet for a minute. “And you came, too?” you asked.

Sebastian nodded, looking down at the mattress. It was hard to avoid your gaze when you two were still lying so close together.

“And that was the first time you came?” you inquired.

He nodded again. “Well, with you,” he said. He added quickly, “Or anyone! I mean, I’ve…touched myself before. Alone.”

That had your mind spinning again. “And you came from fucking my thighs?” you asked, your hand absently traced your skin beneath the covers.

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut as he nodded. He felt like such a disgusting creep.

You tilted your head. “Do you want to fuck me?” You wondered if this was more about you or some weird fetish thing.

Sebastian’s eyes snapped open. “Yes, but I would never do that! I wouldn’t take you while you’re asleep. I swear! That’s part of why I told you. To make sure it…To make sure I wouldn’t lose control again and do something I’d regret.”

“So, you do want to, but you’d regret it?” you asked, confusion creeping back again.

“I’d regret using you again while you’re asleep,” he said.

You held back a smirk. “So, you want to fuck me while I’m awake?” The thought had heat blooming in your abdomen.

His whole face was red. “Of course,” he confirmed. “I mean, ‘fuck’ makes it sound so detached, but I…I want to make love to you.”

As he raked a gentle hand through your hair, a statement he made that you heard but hadn’t processed was yanked to the front of your mind. I love you, and I promised myself I’d never hurt you again. He loved you. He wanted to make love. Because he loved you.

You looked up into his warm brown eyes and couldn’t believe how you’d never seen the love in them before. It seemed so obvious now. “You love me?” you asked, more to hear the words again than confirm he meant them.

He nodded. “So much, MC,” he said earnestly. “I’m so sorry. I swear I–”

“Don’t be sorry,” you said before acting on impulse and pressing your lips to his. He looked stunned when you pulled back. “I love you, too.”

His jaw fell open as he gaped openly at you.

You kept his gaze. “I want you to touch me. But when I’m awake. I want to be with you, Sebastian. And, for the record, I wouldn’t regret it. I turned down everyone else because I didn’t want them. I just want you.”

“You’re the only one I want, too,” he said, bringing a hand up to caress your cheek. “I promise I’ll take care of you.”

He slid his other arm under you to hold you tight to his chest.

“I know,” you replied as you snuggled in closer to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and tangling your legs with his. You nuzzled into his chest, and Sebastian rested his cheek on top of your head. He took in the relaxing scent of your shampoo and the warmth of your body against his. He was flooded with relief to know you didn’t hate him. More than that, you loved him back, which made him indescribably happy.

He was, perhaps, a bit too happy.

“Oh,” you said in surprise, pulling back to look up at him.

Sebastian could feel the blush colouring his cheeks. “Sorry, I just…really like having you in my arms.”

You gave him a sultry smirk. “I like it, too,” you replied. You bit your lip as you pressed your hips forward into his.

He groaned at the contact. “You just like getting me worked up, you little minx,” he chastised playfully.

You gained a mischievous glint in your eye. “Maybe,” you replied, feigning innocence with your doe-eyed expression as you wriggled your hips to continue the torture. He could see your eyes darken as you brought your hand down to palm his growing erection. “Or maybe I’d like to take care of you.” You winked at him.

Sebastian moaned, dropping his forehead to rest on yours. “I’d like that,” he breathed.

“Tell me more about what you did while I slept,” you said as you pulled his length out of his trousers, wrapping your hand around him. Your teeth sunk into your lips as you looked down between the two of you at his cock, proudly erect and looking almost painfully red.

“Well, at first, I…Fuck, that feels so good!” Sebastian said, his head lolling back as you stroked him. “MC…”

“At first you what?” you pressed, pausing your movements.

Sebastian whimpered at the loss. “I just wanted to hold your tits,” he admitted.

You grabbed his hand, placing it on your chest quickly before returning to your prior task of fisting his cock. Sebastian moaned as he immediately massaged his fingers into your supple flesh.

“Then, I needed to see them,” he admitted.

Before he could tug your gown out of the way, you had sat up and ripped it over your head.

“Sweet Merlin,” Sebastian breathed as he took in the sight of you. In a flash, he had shucked his bottoms and was on top of you, pressing you back into the mattress as his lips devoured yours. “Gods, you’re so beautiful!”

You moaned in response as he sucked on your neck. He palmed your breast in his left hand while his right arm propped himself up. You gripped at his shoulders, bunching the fabric of his pyjama shirt. Sebastian sat back on his heels and worked open the buttons urgently before he tossed the shirt off.

Your hands dragged down his torso and around to the lean muscles of his back as he covered your body with his again. He pressed into you, soaking in the warmth of your skin and relishing the feeling of your breasts pressed against his chest and the pressure on his cock as it was pinned between your bodies. He dove his tongue into your mouth as he kissed you, making you moan as you pulled him tighter against you. Gods, he loved kissing you.

You were panting when he pulled back. “I tasted you next,” he said, holding your gaze as he moved down so his face was even with your breasts. He hovered over your peak for a few seconds, letting his warm breath fan over your skin and watching as your breaths quickened and your bottom lip disappeared between your teeth.

“I’m s-supposed to be taking care of you, you know,” you said. Your voice was too needy to chide him effectively.

Sebastian smirked. “Yes, well, I seem to have gotten distracted.”

You whimpered as he circled his tongue around your already-stiff nipple before wrapping his lips around it. He alternated suckling and flicking his tongue back and forth over it.

“Oh, Sebastian,” you keened desperately.

He loved hearing you moan his name. He liked bringing you pleasure and seeing how worked up you got from him. His hand slid down your stomach as he released your nipple from his mouth. “I didn’t stop at your breasts, though,” he said lowly. Your breath hitched as he cupped his hand over the mound between your legs. “I touched you here.” He parted your folds, running his finger through your soaked slit. He thought it felt even wetter than it had the night before. “Rubbing you…” He circled the pad of his middle finger over your clit. “And plunging into you…” He slid the finger down your slit and sank it into your tight pussy.

“Oh, fuck!” you groaned, throwing your head back into the pillow. “Gods, that feels so good!”

Sebastian smirked with pride. He watched as his finger disappeared inside you over and over again. Your sweet little cunt looked delicious clinging to his finger like that.

Sebastian bit back a groan. “There are some things I didn’t get to do,” he observed, giving you a devilish grin.

You were too distracted by the sensation of his finger filling you to reply, but Sebastian didn’t mind. He liked the idea of fucking you dumb – he just hadn’t expected it to be so easy. He bent down, dipping his head to your core. He licked up the sides of your slit as he kept fucking you with his finger. You took in a sharp gasp before moaning his name.

You had a musky, faintly sweet taste. He’d never tasted anything like you, and he found himself unable to get his fill. He kept lapping eagerly before concentrating on the buddle of nerves at the top. You became a mewling mess as he kept thrusting his finger into you and flicking his tongue over your clit. You tangled a hand into his hair, holding him in place against your core as your hips lifted off the bed. As if he would’ve gone anywhere else.

Your moans kept increasing in both frequency and desperation. “Shit, that’s so–I-I’m gonna come!” you whined. Your whole body tensed, even your breaths ceased, before you let out a loud groan as he felt your cunt begin to pulse around him.

You collapsed back against the mattress with your chest heaving. You whined as Sebastian kept licking at your folds and pumping lazily into you. You used your purchase in his hair to pull him off.

“Come here,” you begged. “Please. I want you. I–Gods, I need you!”

Fuck, it was happening. He’d dreamt of it. So. Many. Times. He didn’t waste any time crawling back up your body. Both of your hands became tangled in his hair as he melded his lips with yours.

“I love you,” he panted before kissing you again.

“I love you, too,” you replied as you brought a leg up around his waist. Sebastian groaned as your hot core pressed against his length. “Now let me show you.”

Sebastian reached a hand down to grip his cock. He dragged its head through your slit. His eyes rolled back at just being pressed against your entrance. “Gods, I love your body. Your perfect little cunt,” he groaned.

“Please,” you keened, arching your hips up to try to get him inside.

With your appeal, Sebastian sank into your heat slowly, carefully. He released a breathy moan as he bottomed out inside you. He swore under his breath at how tightly you gripped him. You moaned as he sucked against your neck. He wanted to connect every part of your bodies, in every way possible.

You started moving your hips first, and Sebastian took it as his cue to start thrusting. He kept his face buried in your neck as he glided in and out of you. You met his thrusts, using the leg wrapped around him to pull your bodies even closer together. At some point, he had become the one whimpering. He couldn’t contain the noises that poured form his lips. You just felt so good.

“Faster,” you said, and Sebastian was happy to oblige.

His hips were snapping into yours when he felt his impending orgasm. He couldn’t tell how close you were, though. He did his best to hold off, but soon he could feel the point of no return looming. “Fuck, I’m gonna come if we don’t stop,” he groaned.

You moaned. “Come for me,” you said without hesitation. “Come in me, Seb.”

Sebastian’s cock throbbed at the thought of it and in a few more pumps his orgasm crashed through him. His seed burst out of him until it began seeping out of you and around the base of his cock. He kept thrusting, pushing his seed further into you. Some primal part of him wanted you as full of him as possible.

Once satisfied, Sebastian collapsed over top of you. He placed innumerable kisses over your neck, chest, and cheek. Finally, he pulled out of you. You winced as he did.

“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly. “Did…did I hurt you?”

“Nothing bad. It’s just…sensitive,” you replied. You gave him a reassuring smile. “It felt amazing.”

Sebastian felt relief flood through him. “You were incredible,” he said in awe before crushing his mouth into yours. “I love you.” He kissed you again, more softly this time. “So much.”

He gently brushed your hair out of your face as he looked down at you reverently.

You laughed. “Yes, I think you mentioned it,” you teased, smirking up at him.

His cheeks flushed red. “Sorry, I–”

You pecked his lips, cutting him off. “It’s sweet, Sebastian,” you assured him. “I love you, too. You can tell me the same as much as you like.”

His face split in a broad grin. “I love you, MC,” he said. He gave your lips a peck like you’d given him. “I love you.” He nuzzled into your neck, making you giggle as he kissed your skin open-mouthed. “Gods, I love you!”

You laughed at his ridiculousness. Sebastian moved to lie beside you. He pulled you into him so your chests were pressed together and your legs entangled. For a long time, you just lay entwined together, basking in your afterglow. Sebastian stroked your hair languidly as you traced delicate patterns on his back with your fingertips.

“Hey!” you said suddenly, jerking your head up to give him a reproving look.

Sebastian’s pulse spiked at the anger in your voice. He was stared at you wide-eyed, just waiting for the shoe to drop.

“You owe me new knickers,” you whinged.

A smirk broke onto Sebastian’s face. “I don’t think you’ll be needing any of those for some time,” he replied, shifting the two of you so that he hovered over you. “Though, I’m sure I could find a way to make it up to you.”

He dipped his head and began to kiss down from the angle of your jaw to your shoulder.

“Oh?” you said, intrigued. “What did you have in mind?”

Sebastian chuckled against your skin. “Everything,” he said, eager to explore the plethora of licentious scenarios running through his mind with you.

You moaned as he sucked a particularly sensitive spot on your neck. “I like the sound of that.”

[accio-victuuri]

i was trying to find what quote they used in xzs vlog, first i thought it’s the mary poppins one, but theirs excluded the “fear”. when i searched again, what came up is the movie saving mister banks. did he watch it? 🧐

him singing / humming starry starry night was such a treat! and it’s not really a surprise that he would like that cause he is a van gogh fanboy ( plus a sad song which is is vibe lol ) . the use of bad guy by billie eilish is my fave tho! it’s so perfect!!!! it’s an upbeat song that fits the video but i wanna believe that it’s something more. like what i placed in my tag, some people wanna paint xz as this bad guy/person and he is throwing it in their face. say what you wanna say about him but he is out here living his best life being sexy and beautiful in Milan.

there was also a part where this was mentioned:

山不讓塵,川不辭盈 // 智行方圓,曲中求直

The mountains will not let dust fall, and the rivers will not let go of their abundance. Wisdom moves in a circle, seeking straightness in the curve.

the first part comes from "Inspirational Poems" written by Zhang Hua of the Jin Dynasty. It means that mountains can be so majestic because they do not reject tiny dust; rivers and seas can be so vast because they do not reject small streams. The meaning of its reflection is that if you want to achieve big things, you must also do small things well. You cannot aim too high and do not do things because of small things. Only by taking things step by step and working steadily can you achieve success and achieve what you want.

In terms of human nature, it means that you should never do good deeds because they are small, and do not do evil because they are small! When it comes to learning, people who have strengths should learn. Don't think that these strengths are worthless just because their bright spots are small. Only by being able to discover the strengths of others can you enrich yourself and become stronger bit by bit.

AND WELL ISN’T THIS XZ’s WAY OF LIFE? He is not afraid to give his all and do the small things to reach his goals.

“wisdom moves in a circle, seeking straightness in the curve" is an idiom, which means to describe a person who has clear goals and plans for doing things, and can flexibly respond to various situations without losing principles. while "Seeking straightness in the curve" means that he can respond flexibly in complex and changeable environments without losing direction and goals., being able to overcome difficulties and keep moving forward.

One of the reasons why i admire XZ! despite the chaos that is C-ent and what people expect from him — he does not compromise his principles 💪🏼 he has showed that time and time again!

FINALLY THE USE OF THE COIN. Which could mean different things but my favorite would be this one that points out how the last time he made a wish in the fountain using a coin. and now, he is holding it and doing these wonderful things again, like his wish has been fulfilled. He was able to come back and experience it again. 🪙

source: one / two

[dearweirdme]

https://www.tumblr.com/dearweirdme/766153910074425344/httpswwwtumblrcomdearweirdme7656910143254528

Hi again, I am the the anon who sent this, thank you for the detailed answer :)

Of course each of them have had their own struggles and pov. I focused on Tae because he has always been singled out by the company for causing "trouble"… I am also aware that being a team needs compromises and all the members said that they have sacrificed a lot.

The issue about Tae is, he had extra gaslighting from his boss and a certain part of fandom (that apparently are manipulated by the company) In any/many working environment, there is that one person whom bosses singe out and try to assimilate to give a message for the rest. Like saying "see, if you be like this, I will be on your back too so behave" We all either be this person or a witness of that mobbing at work. Tae was/is that black sheep.

JK also definitely had his fair share of the burdens and struggles for sure, I just think those were a different set of pressures and troubles imo. As the golden maknae and the center of the bts, he had to be perfect, the most compliant and most hardworking etc etc… the most/best of everything… This just my inkling that he tried to be that ideal idol until around 2020. There were too much expectations and pressure on him and BSH’s manipulation on JK was his hyungs (do it for them, be better for them, you are nothing without them, you shouldn’t let them down etc etc) it is not coincidence what is written in those documents, hitting him with being not successful as solo…

He also seemed to get over these manipulations too. His small speech in 2022 festa was very revealing imo. His love and loyalty to his hyungs is intact but he is also aware of his potential and doesn’t shy away to say/show it. His hyungs are happy for him and BSH (probably) hates it.

It is not a coincidence that these two are subjectively have the biggest potentials, the closest in real life, and act together, they are also the ones that hybe aimed the most.

Anyway, summer of 2025 and afterwards will be interesting for sure… I hope they all can continue as bts and solo on their own terms.

Hi anon!

Thanks for returning! I think we agree on a lot.

I think the most cruel things the company have done to Tae is constantly using his insecurities as entertainment. They perpetuated his ‘weirdness’ instead of turning it into his biggest weapon.

There have constantly been business decisions made that the company would have known how it would play out in fandom. Basically as soon as Jikook became their appointed ship (due to Taekook being a risk) a huge part of fandom was bound to turn on Tae (and honestly, this goes for Jm too). Even outside shipping spaces this is something that can be felt. With the way they monitor fandom, there is no way they wouldn’t have been aware of how this would go. And by simultaneously pushing Jkk and hiding Tkk.. to this day.. they allowed a huge part of fandom to keep hating on Tae. There’s many ways in which they could have gone against that, but their choices have consistently been to perpetuate the idea that Jkk is closer than Tkk and that Tae and Jk became distant. By letting him do Taennie, it was once again easy to predict that he would mostly get hate for this. AYS was basically just a continuation of subtle ways to make Tae seem like he doesn’t completely belong.

I think both Tae and Jk have learned how to deal with their situation. I think they know what it is the company does (manipulate and use them) and I think they know that it’s shit. I found Jk’s words about NewJeans very telling. He knows the music industry is terrible. He knows they themselves have been put in terrible situations (and probably still were) by the company and I think knowing that gives them strength and power also.

[charlesabramsscarminetits]

i feel like i should clarify, like. i don’t like pale now but i liked it for a very long time. i have posted analyses elsewhere under other names with just as much thought dedicated to how cool i think the symbolism and storybuilding of pale is. i could write an essay about how the color red is used in pale as a symbol of expectations and the pressure of self-imposed roles. but now here we are 3m words later and even the stuff i said that was positive has turned into an indictment because the story has lost track of what it is doing.

when i say that charles and the trio are symbiotic im not leveling that as a gotcha against the story- i think a story that takes into account that both community building and violent resistance play a role in social change is a good story. i don’t think it’s bad that charles played a key role breaking the back of the practitioner establishment in ontario or that john was a flawed guy with complicated, personal priorities that ultimately placed his past over his future.

i think it’s interesting to see what the trio does in moments of desperation, how their characterizations inform what they do and don’t tolerate. it’s interesting to see unhealthy coping mechanisms and weird offbeat strategies for resolving big problems and ideas that are just frankly not that good but make sense from the person who had them.

what i am leveling as a criticism is that the story implicitly validates all these options as not just the best choice in a difficult situation, but unimpeachable choices. the trio need to kill the alabaster because she’s vulnerable and they have a strategy for it? now the alabaster is derelict in her duties and only felt alive watching people die. the alabaster’s court will kill themselves as a statement? no they won’t actually.  the trio need to work with the establishment they’ve been fighting for ten arcs? now the establishment is eminently pliable and they can find any number of powerful allies whose goals won’t threaten theirs. it becomes less interesting to see the trio’s choices and goals when every compromise or desperation move resolves itself with the post hoc rationalization that it was the best move anyone could have made, not just someone in the trio’s position.

furthermore, by framing everything the trio does as unimpeachable, the audience is invited to judge the merit of the story based on their own agreement with the ideals of the trio- this is the downside of didactic literature, which pale has become as it shifts from a story about society building to a story that claims that this is the way to build a society, when it, uh...isn’t.

which is why every analysis of pale i try and put together ultimately becomes a negative one- its themes and arcs got left behind.

anyway read the bartimaeus trilogy it’s aimed at younger readers for sure but it has generally strong writing i’d say

[solarsonicsoda]

Ranking TV Theme Tunes - Intro

Many many years ago, I made a tier list of all the theme tunes from loads of cartoons and live-action shows I watched back in the day. I thought this was neat, but I always thought I could do more. It's not like it was a small tier list either! But all the same, it ate away at me. One day, I decided I was gonna do something about it.

I compiled more shows. I asked friends, I took note of shows mentioned in videos I saw, I remembered more from my own experience - the number kept rising. One-hundred. Hundreds. I was building a pretty big collection. I shared my plan with more friends, and more and more of them had suggestions. But then they asked me: "How many are you doing?"

I hadn't considered this before. How many was I going to do? When I told them the current number, they all told me the same thing:

"STOP"

I ignored them, obviously. However, I made a compromise. I'll get to 500, and then I'll stop. A completely reasonable number, I thought... and in terms of reaching it, I was! It was easy, even. Yet, I did come to realise, that it might be slightly too many to ever truly cover as I originally planned, at least in a reasonable time. This brings us to today, and a brand new method for this plan.

I'll be rating themes here show-by-show, and giving them a letter grade for our tier list. I'll first cover my original 500 (with a few stragglers that fit among them), and from there potentially expand. The ground rules and caveats are as follows:

Each theme is rated on the song alone. No personal opinion on the show, the intro video, anything! I will comment on these, but they may not skew my view! These ratings will be go: S, A, B, C, D, and F. Try to remember that C is a passing grade! If your favourite intro gets a C, that means I thought it was Alright!

Shows with more than one theme will be given a final aggregate tier rating, based on each individual theme's rating.

Shows which get an entirely different name from season to season will be treated as unique shows, however shows where this only sometimes happens, or said seasons are simply shorter arcs, will not. For example, every Pokemon show is counted as a unique show, but Tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is not, and neither is every season of Ninjago. Reboots will typically be treated as a separate show.

Shows which share a theme or have practically the same themes will be taken as one single entry, though acknowledged as seperate shows. For example, Digimon Adventure 02 will be treated as the same as Digimon Adventure.

I will be counting the British and American themes only, and mainly the original themes they aired with in these countries. That is to say: yes, I'm using the One Piece Pirate Rap.

The shows selected will be of the family entertainment variety. The audience of each show may vary, but it's all about where they may have aired. I think the best way to explain this is that shows such as The Simpsons do not qualify, though I will be counting The Flintstones. You may dispute some of my discretion here, and that's fine, but it's just what makes sense to me

I am, sadly, British, but we have some absolutely banging TV and it is grossly underrated on all sorts of old TV retrospectives and stuff! My 500 aims to fix that, with a great deal of shows from British channels throughout the years. There's plenty of stuff from America too, most of which we had here too as imports, and shows from around the world in similar situations such as from Canada, Italy, Australia, France, etc. However, I'm definitely limited by what I see! If I haven't seen/heard-of something and neither have my friends, it probably won't be in that list! To rectify this, feel free to send me suggestions! Please try to do this with as much information as possible, and links are super welcome!

The shows are also spread out across time. We have themes as old as the 50s, and as new as 2023! I tried to take a good spread but through a combination of personal bias/nostalgia and sheer quantity, the 2000s is probably the most-represented era. This was hard to help, but again, send more suggestions!

There will be some shows that you have never heard of! If they seem really, really obscure? Probably me or a friend watched it, and we will not hear anything bad about it. Gotta have variety!

But with that said, stay tuned for some fierce theme tune rating! And if I miss a theme or make a mistake, let me know nicely! I have NOT seen all these shows, and some I know next-to-nothing about, so take it easy, and help me out!

Hope you enjoy!

[glorifiedgpjfic]

Chapter 48

As Jo drove to work she began making a mental list of what she wanted to discuss in therapy, she felt although it was easier to plan what she wanted to cover in each session to avoid rambling and not making as much progress as she possibly could. When she’d first started seeing Dr Isles, she found that for the first few sessions, she would tend to info dump and jump from one topic to another, which, luckily Dr Isles could just about keep up with, it took Jo a while to even realise she did it - so she made a note to be sure to know what she wanted to talk about in each session so she could tick it off as she went. She began trying to figure out what she was actually feeling, it was challenging because she knew she felt annoyed, yet somehow she felt angry, not at Eddie but herself, for not standing up for herself and her job, she felt angry at Marc O’Leary for being a misogynistic prick, she was angry for his first victim who wasn’t believed. But the problem with this anger was that there was nowhere for her to direct it or channel it so last night she had aimed it directly at the one person who didn’t deserve it.

When Jo arrived at work she was eager to get to therapy, she needed to vent desperately. She made a beeline to the office where her therapist was waiting for her, she took a seat opposite Dr Isles,

“Good morning, Jo- How are you feeling today?” Jo couldn’t help but let out a quiet chuckle,

“Well…” Jo then went on to explain how she was feeling about not being in the field and how she wasn’t quite adjusting to the new role, she explained how she was unintentionally growing resentful towards Eddie which she knew was unfair, when she finally finished speaking her mouth was dry and she found herself gulping down a glass of water, Dr Isles pondered what Jo had told him for a few moments.

“I understand why your boyfriend doesn’t want you to be in the field, he obviously cares about you very deeply, I think you feel angry because you aren’t used to having someone looking out for you- since your grandparents died when you were young, you’ve grown up with a very small circle and now that's expanding and it scares you that someone cares about you. You’ve always been able to take risks with your job and do whatever you wanted, and now you feel that you’re losing control in your life, because for the first time ever you aren’t the only character in your story. And you don’t know how to let someone care for you.” There was a brief silence,

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I don’t want to give up a big part of myself just so that Eddie sleeps at night. It’s like me asking him to stop singing just in case someone stalks him- it's unreasonable!”

“Why do you think it’s unreasonable?”

“Because I’m standing down because of a ‘what if’, this job is all I’ve ever done and I’m not dead yet. Why does this have to be the compromise?”

“I can’t answer that, only you and Eddie can.”

At potatohead Eddie was stewing, he seemed withdrawn which in the past wasn’t a good sign for the band, it was Jeff who broke the silence,

“What’s going on Ed?”

“I think I fucked up.” He went on to explain the situation and how Jo had spoken to him, he felt guilty but he thought it would be better to feel guilty than to have to plan Jo’s funeral. But then again he didn’t want to lose her again, he was so conflicted. The guys had very little input, the best they could offer their distressed friend was a place to vent without judgement, which he obviously needed.

Jo left her session with Dr Isles feeling confused, she needed to talk to Eddie and she needed to stop trying to avoid hurting his feelings they needed to talk frankly. On her way back to her desk she bumped into a very stressed Eleanor,

“I need your help,” Jo nodded and followed Eleanor to her desk, “it’s the Bonnie and Clyde case.” Jo felt her stomach drop, this case had been on her mind for weeks; the case had so many parallels to her parents and she knew that mentally she was not strong enough to even think about them. “We finally got them, it’s just-” Eleanor paused, “we can’t get a word out of them, they’ve lawyered up but we can’t find their latest victims.” Eleanor handed Jo a thick brown folder, “They’ve changed MO completely since you were on the case, hell, they’ve changed MO at least three times.”

“Is that what’s happening? Are they changing MO, or are they devolving?” Jo asked and Eleanor couldn’t answer, “So they’ve gone from burglary to murder and now they’ve abducted a couple?” Eleanor nodded, “what do we know about the couple they took?” Jo began flipping through the file looking for details about the couple but there wasn’t much, they seemed to be completely normal.

“We don’t have much about our Bonnie and Clyde, other than their names; Rose Hindley and Ian Knowles, we’ve got nothing on their history, it’s like they never existed.”

Jo was interested to find out whether the names they had were real, she couldn’t help but think of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady and the Moors murders. Were the names just coincidence? Or were they fake names chosen to pay homage to two of England’s most evil murderers? This thought made Jo nervous, why of all the duos would they name themselves after British killers? She pondered whether it seemed like something her parents would do, the truth was she didn’t know. She knew nothing about them, and truthfully she hoped they were dead. Eleanor led her to the interrogation room where Ian Knowles and his lawyer were having a hushed conversation, Joanne was relieved to see that Ian was no older than forty. Jo watched through the one-way mirror as he spoke to his lawyer gesturing frantically with his hands, his eyes were dark and Joanne was eager to speak to him; however, the lawyer was likely to make things difficult.

Before deciding who to speak to first Joanne went to observe Rose Hindley, she needed to try and figure out how their dynamic worked. In contrast to Ian, Rose sat ignoring her lawyer staring blankly at her reflection in the mirror, she was calm and collected; it quickly became apparent to Jo that she was the dominant one in their relationship. Now she just needed to figure out how to get her to talk, in previous cases, Jo had managed to manipulate the submissive one in the dynamic to turn on their partner and spill all the details of the case, she didn’t feel although this case would be quite so straight forward.

Eleanor and Joanne spent a few hours trying to decide how to approach the interrogation and before they knew it the day had flown by, they had decided to leave the pair’s interrogation until the morning. They had informed William of their plan for the morning and he had approved of it, offering to help should they need it.

“Today has been long.” Eleanor sighed as they gathered their belongings at their respective desks,

“You’re telling me, shall we go for a drink?” Jo had suggested and Eleanor had quickly agreed, so Jo had driven them to her apartment where she left her car and they had walked to the off ramp. Jo had noticed that there were no lights on in the apartment suggesting that Eddie wasn’t home yet, which she thought was strange unless he’d gone back to ‘Casa Cornell’ or was still at potatohead.

What was intended to be one drink quickly turned into several drinks and soon enough Eleanor was excusing herself to go home, she was quite the lightweight which surprised Jo. Not being ready to go home just yet Jo opted to stay for one more, which was a lie. She moved from the booth she and Eleanor had occupied to a stool by the bar, she felt out of place as she was still wearing her suit and everyone else was dressed much more casually. She stared blankly into her Amaretto and cranberry and thought about what she’d discussed in therapy earlier that day, she was desperate for a solution that wouldn’t ruin her relationship; but spending today with El and working on the interrogation made her miss being in the field even more. She missed how each case was a new puzzle and how she would be there for every stage, from the crime being reported to the suspects being arrested, sometimes she’d even be there in court to testify, she got to do it all. Whereas now, now she was stuck in a loop of; go to prison, speak to rapists and murderers, make notes, leave prison, repeat. And as much as she had found the research interesting it was monotonous, and she felt stir-crazy.

After a few more drinks she found herself feeling more chatty and upbeat, she struck up a conversation with the bartender and was laughing at a joke he’d told when she felt a tap on the shoulder, she spun around on her stool and was surprised to see Chris standing there with a concerned expression on his face,

“OMG! Cornell! What are you doing here? I am so happy to see you!” Jo jumped up from her stool and threw her arms around him some of her drink spilt down his back but he didn’t mention it, Jo quickly turned back to the bar and ordered a drink for her and Chris but before the bartender could start making the drinks Chris changed the order to two glasses of water, which Jo immediately began complaining about.

“Why don’t you go find us a booth? Somewhere we can talk,” Chris suggested with a reassuring smile, Jo nodded and bounded off in search of a booth. Chris soon joined her with their waters,

“Jo, what’s going on?” 

[copperhawks]

The only reason WE know that Thayet moved into another wing of the palace over Jon saying no to Kalasin is because Pierce mentioned it in a Q&A. The only mention ever made about Kally's situation IN THE BOOKS is one singular throw-away line in either Page or Squire (I did re-read the series very recently, but it's one line and I've forgotten which book exactly it was in, but it's definitely one of those two). It's not even said BY Kel, it's told to her by someone else, one of the other pages/squires who's more connected to palace gossip. It is told to her as basically "The King said no to his daughter" and so it makes sense for her to blame Jon instead of Thayet for this, but there's no actual mention made of what Thayet thought of it or her reaction to it in the book itself and so there's no way for Kel to know just how badly Thayet DID react.

I think Kel tends to look at the situation on the assumption that Thayet has basically no power in comparison to Jon, that Jon has the ultimate power and Thayet is like... admirable in some of her charity work, but that Thayet doesn't really have anything to do with day-to-day legal decisions.

I think that Kel also has an incredibly naive view of what being a King tends to entail and how much power Jon has over other people, something that his big speech in Squire is meant to address to some degree. From Kel's perspective, since Jon technically has the ABILITY to do whatever he wants, he SHOULD just override anyone who tells him no so long as it's the right thing to do (ignoring that what Kel thinks is "the right thing to do" may not be what others think is "the right thing to do" or that there could be a domino effect from some of those decisions that negatively impact other people). So since the probation HAPPENED, Kel's perspective is that Jon simply chose not to use the power that he had to uphold a law that he had changed because he... didn't really believe in women being knights, or just simply didn't believe in HER personally for some reason. AT BEST, Kel just believes that, when faced with his nobles' bigotry, Jon was a spineless coward who didn't fight them the way he should have and could have. Kel cannot conceive of a situation in which Jon might be forced into a corner by his own nobles. She cannot conceive of how his nobles might have more power than he does by virtue of there being a lot of them who can stand together. She cannot conceive of how much of a threat that could create both to Jon personally and to the kingdom at large.

Kel doesn't even quite realize how WYLDON played into her own probation, how Wyldon was threatening to QUIT over her being allowed to train and how the probation was WYLDON'S IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE. She doesn't ever discover that Alanna herself was willing to accept the probation because Alanna knew what the consequences would be if Wyldon quit and how bad it would be for everybody (she only gets angry enough to leave when Wyldon insists that Alanna can't interact with Kel).

So, yeah, Kel's understanding of politics is SO limited and SO childish and naive that she basically just assumes Jon can do whatever he wants whenever he wants however he wants and so if any decision is made that seems a little unfair, then it has to be entirely Jon's fault because there's no way he can ever be pressured into making decisions that compromise on his values. Which means yes, she never blames Thayet for anything. She barely even blames Wyldon for anything (she barely even blames Wyldon for his immediate treatment of her during her page years and often finds excuses for him in order to believe he's a better person than everyone thinks he is). ALL of her frustration and anger and pain is aimed at Jon. Wyldon can treat her like DIRT for four years and Kel considers him one of her primary role models, while Jon can treat her incredibly kindly during their first interaction and Kel basically thinks he's just being phony about it. Wyldon can straight up admit to having treated Kel unfairly for years and Kel refuses to even acknowledge the truth of that, while Jon can actually change an entire law because Kel insists upon it and Kel just finds it really uncomfortable to have been given what she wants with relatively little effort.

Kel is pretty simple minded. She sees the world in pretty black and white colors and more than anything else, she wants the rest of the world to BE simple. She wants the bad guys and the good guys to be easy to tell apart, and she wants to be able to just defeat all the bad guys without there being any ramifications. Unfortunately, the world's not actually as simple as Kel is, and that IS something Kel has to come to grips with later on in her life. That speech from Jon is one of the more defining moments for me in part because I do think that it's the first time this world view of hers is REALLY challenged like that. Kel says "So change the law" like it's something Jon can just snap his fingers and do overnight, and Jon's response is to point out just how many laws they HAVE changed and how much TIME it takes to change even one law and how delicate of a process it actually is and how many compromises it often requires.

This is the first time Kel even realizes it's POSSIBLE for regular people to have the power to rebel against the King if they wanted to, it's the first time she's realized that people like farmers and priests and nobles can actually CAUSE PROBLEMS if they're unhappy. THIS is how simple Kel's worldview is. THIS is why Kel places all of her rage on Jon and Jon alone, because as much as she is the "Protector of the Small," she's never considered before this moment that the "small" can have power of their own. And from Kel's perspective, for the most part, everyone's smaller than the King, even the Queen.

And that's why I find it so interesting to look at some of the choices she makes when SHE'S finally in a position of leadership in Lady Knight and all of the sudden, she's making compromises of her own. Ones that infringe on her own values, no less. Kel is faced with leading a bunch of criminals, some of whom had literally tried to kill her and her friends just a few years ago, and recognizing that they're still people who deserve to be treated fairly. But she also is faced with a situation where her power over others is EXTREMELY limited due to her youth and inexperience and her gender. She cannot simply do whatever she wants whenever she wants however she wants. She cannot simply give an order and expect it to be obeyed without question. She has to EARN the respect of most of the people she's supposed to be leading, and that takes both time and COMPROMISE.

Her primary role models are Wyldon, and Raoul. Neither of these people are people we see compromising on their values all that much. Wyldon obviously famously does compromise ONCE, but he only does so when Jon starts throwing around his weight as the King in order to force Wyldon's compliance. But Wyldon isn't all that compromising with people LESS powerful than he is, it tends to be his way or the highway. Raoul is generally portrayed as already well-liked and respected enough that he doesn't have to make compromises to get people to obey his orders, even if they don't like the orders he's giving. And he doesn't really compromise with Jon during the times they're at odds, Raoul just refuses to obey for as long as he reasonably can. Both Wyldon and Raoul are so much more established in their roles that their power goes basically unquestioned by the people underneath them. Kel does not have that kind of luxury in her situation, so she cannot really emulate EITHER of their styles and expect it to work for her (not yet, at least).

Which forces Kel to act in a way that, ironically, ends up feeling a lot more similar to the way Jon talks about having to act. I don't think this is in any way intentional on Kel's part, she certainly never says that it is, but it's undeniably THERE. There's even a moment with Daine where Daine says something to the effect of "I don't know why I'm even asking you this, you never question orders you're given" and Kel's first thought is, "I do, I just only do it in my head." And I find that a REALLY interesting moment because it shows us for the first time what someone from the outside might think of Kel without there being any sexist bias.

Daine has no idea how frustrated Kel has been towards the orders she's been given, she has no idea about all of the little rebellions Kel HAS done over the last eight years or so, and there's no way for her TO know those things and it doesn't make Daine a terrible person for having an opinion on Kel that is formed from what she DOES know, but it does mean that her opinion isn't necessarily going to be all that accurate.

Similarly, Kel has no idea how frustrated Jon has likely been with the compromises he's had to make over the years, she has no idea about all of the times he HAS fought for change, she has no idea how hard he fought FOR HER when Wyldon threw his temper tantrum and how close Jon got to just ordering Wyldon to do it, and there's no way for her TO know those things and it doesn't make Kel a terrible person for having that opinion of Jon that's based on what she DOES know, but much like Daine, it does mean that her opinion isn't going to be all that accurate.

Is it unfair to force Kel to do a probation year? Yeah, of course. It was ALSO unfair for Kel to allow her criminal soldiers to be a little mistreated by their sergeants. But she does it anyway because she knows she doesn't have enough real respect or authority or power to insist on stopping all of it without losing what respect she DOES have with her officers, and losing the ability to command them at all could have some pretty serious long-term consequences (she's specifically recognizing that the officers might commit BIGGER infractions later that she wants to be able to address, so she's actually doing this FOR the criminals' well-being). I imagine that that logic doesn't really mean anything to those criminals dealing with the day-to-day mistreatment they're getting and I imagine that, to them, it probably looks like Kel doesn't really care all that much about how they're being mistreated. Their feelings about her being kind-of complicated or even negative would be entirely understandable, even if they're completely wrong about how she feels and why she's making the choices she's making. But does that make Kel WRONG for making that choice? Not necessarily. She makes the best choice she can with the resources she has available to her. It sucks, it's unfair, it's also still the best possible choice for her to make.

This is not the kind of decision that Wyldon or Raoul ever have to make. At least, not that we see within POTS. But it IS the kind of choice that Jon has to make, all the time, over and over again. And Thayet makes those choices with him, but both with the probation year and with Kally's knighthood, Jon is intentionally alone when making those decisions. Thayet gets to keep her hands clean, while Jon gets branded as a "good king who can't always be a good man" because of those decisions.

Anyway, this was an incredibly long response to a few tags, but basically, the reason Kel never even THINKS to blame Thayet for anything isn't because she's privvy to certain information about Thayet and Jon's personal life, but because she's so simplistic in her worldview and so uninterested in how politics and history work that it never occurs to her that Jon isn't some all-power near-deity as a King. She'll never blame anyone but Jon for the probation, she'll never see nuance in Kalasin's situation, because that would fuck pretty hard with how she wants to believe the world works. Jon is her enemy and Thayet is not because that's a lot easier to understand and believe than the idea that people in leadership positions often have to make hard decisions that compromise on their values in order to make the best decision for the most people, and it doesn't make those leaders bad people. Kel doesn't NEED to know that Thayet moved to another wing of the castle over Jon's decision about Kally in order to give Thayet the benefit of the doubt that she never bothers to give Jon.

The funniest thing to me about Kel, and maybe one of the most interesting because of how understated it is, is that Kel becomes a good commander in the end, not by emulating Wyldon who was cold and implacable and insensitive, or by emulating Raoul who mostly only disobeys orders out of principle or because he has an issue with what the order says about his personal relationship with Jon, but by emulating JON.

Kel doesn't even LIKE Jon, she BARELY respects him as a person. He's a good enough ruler that she's willing to fight for him and swear loyalty to him and to at least mostly believe that he wouldn't work with Blayce to make his own killing monsters, but that's as far as it goes for Kel. If he's kind to her, she finds it uncomfortable and almost untrustworthy because she assumes he doesn't care about her and so his kindness and respect towards her must be fake.

But from the outside, as readers, we know just how much Jon fought for Kel. We know how much he does respect her right to be a knight. Jon is the sole reason that Kel DID get the opportunity to prove herself, if he'd capitulated to Wyldon completely, she just wouldn't have ever been allowed to join. Kel doesn't KNOW THAT, obviously, but we do. We know that Jon did everything he could to find a way to convince Wyldon to let Kel become a page. While Wyldon claims later that the reason he chose to let her stay at the end of the probation year was because his better judgment convinced him she'd earned it, I'd be willing to bet that part of that better judgment also included knowing if he couldn't prove to JON that she needed to go, then he'd be in trouble. Kel was training and working in front of plenty of other trainers and teachers who could easily contradict Wyldon's lies if he'd tried it, many of whom are closer to Jon than they are to Wyldon.

Kel's experiences and feelings about that experience are entirely valid, and she doesn't have the knowledge we do about how hard Jon fought for her, so it's not shocking that she's upset with him for a good portion of her series. She never even discovers this truth by the end of her series, even though she does get a lesson from Jon and Thayet (and Raoul to some degree) about how politics and compromises work in order to make changes happen. So her opinion of him by the end is boiled down to the quote from Squire: "good kings weren't always good men." It makes sense for her to think this, but because Kel's knowledge base is so limited (and her worldview so black and white for much of her series), it makes her an EXTREMELY unreliable narrator about this particular issue.

Kel believes that while Jon generally does his duty and keeps the peace, he doesn't actually care all that much about his people as individuals. But in their only meaningful conversation in Squire, Jon is able to point out that he (and Thayet, who is actually equal to Jon in power, something Kel either doesn't know which would be a failure in her education or just tends to ignore so she can focus her ire on Jon) has to make a LOT of compromises in order to get ANYTHING useful done at all. Sometimes, often, it means making deals with people he doesn't like or people he just fundamentally disagrees with, because it's the first step in a multi-step plan to help more people in the long run. He also points out that just throwing his weight and authority around in order to be able to change everything he wants to change immediately regardless of what anyone else thinks about it is a great way to get himself and his family killed. Because even if he had good intentions, that would be tyranny. It does make Kel think a little, but she doesn't tend to like him much still afterwards, her resentment from her page years will always color her opinion of him a little.

However, then she gets to Haven and she's suddenly tossed into a position of leadership over a lot of other people, many of whom disagree with each other or disagree with her or both. And all of the sudden, Kel has to make compromises. She doesn't LIKE the way the sergeants often treat their men, especially the sergeants whose men are convicts, but there's very very little she can do about it without really pissing off those same sergeants and that's not something she can afford to do. There's a moment when Neal starts getting frustrated about the treatment of the convicts and she takes him out to vent to her so he doesn't vent to the sergeants, something that the sergeants would then take out on their men. Kel's reasoning as she does this is that she "preferred to avoid battles with them now so she would have authority with them later if she needed to use it." Later, Kel is talking to Daine and she says "That's all this job is... Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. And it will only get worse, not better."

Both of these moments showcase Kel choosing to make compromises. She may not like the way the sergeants treat the convicts, but she needs to stay on the sergeants' good sides because she doesn't have enough resources to butt heads with them nor enough authority to just force the issue, and even if she DID, it could cause the sergeants to become troublesome or take out their frustration with her on the men in ways she can't see as well. But staying on the sergeants' good sides might mean letting some of their maltreatment slide if it's not physically harming the convicts. And even setting that aside, she's dealing with nearly 500 refugees eventually, all of which are from different towns in the area and have different needs, not all of which she can accommodate. This requires compromise. Sometimes she can please some of them and not others, but mostly she probably just ends up not pleasing anybody because that's often how compromises WORK.

She never makes the active connection to Jon and his lesson on leadership from Squire while she's in Haven, but that quote up there about how this job (aka being a commander) is all about trying to please everyone and pleasing no one? It sounds a HECK of a lot like "good kings weren't always good men." You can try your best to help others, but often doing the right thing can involve making everyone unhappy. You can't be everybody's friend if you're going to get anything done.

Some of this she might've learned from Raoul's style of command, but Raoul commands a fairly small amount of people (at least in comparison to a King), and so we see him able to be pretty friendly to the people he commands in a way that Jon is perhaps unable to do. And she might believe that she learned some of this from Wyldon, but Wyldon had a tendency to be very unfair and biased due to his raging bigotry and conservative values, as well as the fact that he doesn't actually even LIKE being a training master and that likely impacted the way he treated the pages (he's almost never that kind to the pages, whereas we see him capable of being quite kind with the refugees later, which is where Kel comes to the conclusion that he hadn't enjoyed being a training master).

But Jon makes an entire speech about how he (and Thayet) have been working THEIR ENTIRE REIGN to change laws that help people. He explains how they have to consider the needs of merchants, nobles, farmers, street people, priests/priestesses, and mages. They have to consider not only what these people might need or want, but also what they could do when they feel sufficiently offended and how that could impact not just the royal family or the nobility but the realm as a whole. Jon points out that they HAVE made changes, for the better, and that just because they don't always succeed at everything or because they have to compromise sometimes, doesn't mean they aren't working at making changes or that they don't care about helping people. Not everyone you have power over is going to be your friend, they might not even be someone you like. But if you're going to take on the job of leadership, that's something you have to be willing to accept and work with, which often means making compromises with people whose needs and values are contradictory to your own.

Jon probably knows when he makes the compromise with Wyldon that it will likely impact a lot of people's good opinion of him. Alanna is right there and clearly angry, and we know Thayet doesn't like the decision, either. And it's entirely possible that Jon knows in the moment that Kel herself will put the blame on him because he's the King. But he also knows that if he insists on Kel being allowed to be a page without trying to compromise with Wyldon, Wyldon will quit over it and he'll end up with ten DIFFERENT problems that could cause a lot bigger issues to far more people than just one girl. So he makes the compromise. He sacrifices Alanna and Thayet and even Kel's good opinion of him in order to ensure that Kel gets the opportunity to become a Knight without turning all of his nobles against him which could ultimately lead to a civil war. Is it fair? No, and he knows it. But it's the best option he has in order to get the outcome they all actually want which is just for Kel to have the chance to prove herself.

Kel has to make similar choices once she's finally in a position of leadership of her own. And whether she realizes it or not, without ever even spending more than a few minutes with Jon, she ends up emulating his leadership style more than anybody else's because it WORKS and it works WELL. She'll probably never admit it, she might never even realize it herself, but she's so much more like Jon than any of the other men she sees as role models. And I love that. I love the dramatic irony of that, that the one person Kel only barely respects because of a compromise he made on her behalf that she'll never even know about, is the person Kel ends up most resembling. Jon is the reason she has the opportunity to become the Protector of the Small in the first place, Jon is the person who created that environment that allowed her to nurture those values, and she'll probably never even really be able to acknowledge that, because sometimes that's what being a good leader means.

[em-pt-ily]

My days of being in my 20s are numbered

So I made up a thought experiment for me to consider, a reverse 13 going on 30 situation

If I went back to when I was 13, with all the knowledge I have now, what would I change or do differently

At first I think of what I would want to say to certain people, to tell them how much they matter to me. And tell them how I don’t say or take things lightly, because I try to only say things that feel imperative and emotionally articulate. I think of all of the mistakes I made, and while I now understand why I made them, I wish I could say I wouldn’t make them again. I think about the pain I inflicted on people, and the pain that was inflicted upon me, and I realize I still don’t know how I would have otherwise expressed or coped with my feelings back then. It wasn’t safe to feel or speak about my emotions, I didn’t have an outlet for them, so I took actions that were ultimately destructive but gratifying in the moment. I also know how hard things end up getting as time moves forward, how tired I am and feel about existing, and I don’t know that I would have the energy to do better and aim higher and achieve more. I know how limiting my mental health is/was, and wish I could have gotten help sooner, but that was out of my control, so I did what I had to do to survive until college. I can’t fathom how to resolve the cynicism I had throughout childhood. It was draining, and the only thing that gave me hope was being in control of my life as an adult. But I barely feel capable of adulthood, even as I approach 30. In the chaos of this world, I barely feel in control of what my future will look like. At 18 I crumbled when I lost the only semblance of a support system that I had, which is why the only thing I would want to change is to go back and try to solidify it, strengthen it, and maybe expand it.

But then I think about the implications of that change. How my mistakes and destruction led to the circumstances that allowed me to build the life I have today. If I didn’t hit rock bottom, I don’t think I would have met my partner. If I didn’t meet my partner, I wouldn’t have my cat and our life and our future and our family. As much as I wish I could reduce the pain and loss that I went through, if I went back to 13 and did my best to prevent it, I don’t know that I would want to trade what my life could have been for what I have now. It’s still not my best life, but it’s what I’ve built so far on my way to achieve that. I have a relationship that I never imagined to be possible. I have animals that I adore. I have a small piece of financial security. And maybe soon another worthwhile career. Is it all worth what it cost me to get here? Do my achievements outweigh my suffering? Does my love feel deeper than my loss? I wish I could tell. I wish my brain didn’t keep me numb to avoid experiencing the realities of personhood. I wish I felt more capable of becoming the best version of myself.

I sleep so much nowadays. I get lost in my dreams, and invested in the worlds and feelings I get to experience. I don’t know how to bring myself back to our reality, when I am so easily drained by it. I don’t know how to escape from the isolation I’ve cultivated in my life, unintentionally. So much was broken by my episode in 2022. I guess that’s what started this train of thought, reflecting on what I would fix about my life, if I could go back to one of the most fraught but pivotal times in my life. So much seems inevitable, looking back. Tiny fractures that spread and splintered until the integrity of my self was compromised. I think I never quite got the pieces put back together after shattering so much. My partner is the same. We have tried to help each other gather the pieces and put them back together, since we met at our lowest points. We have filled any holes or voids with our love and laughter and life together. So much of who I am has developed from his support, his care, and his commitment to loving me. It’s all I ever wanted from somebody. A lifelong best friend. I am beyond fortunate to share my life with him. So much of me wishes we could have known each other at 13. Before we lost pieces of ourselves that we never recovered. I wonder how much deeper our friendship and love would be. If we would have weathered the trials of adolescence together constructively. Right now I think we give each other whatever we have left of ourselves. But I’ve always wanted more. Especially of myself. I want to have more to give. But maybe that’s dangerous. Once you give yourself away, I don’t know if you can get that back.

We are going to keep losing pieces. When we lose our babies. Our parents. I already don’t know how we will get through those losses. I’m barely surviving what I’ve lost of myself increasingly over time. It feels like global warming. My icebergs are melting and I can’t get them back. My ocean is rising and beginning to flood the landforms of my mind. It’s so hard to get to higher ground, and not mourn the places I experienced life in before. I don’t know how to make it stop. I treaded water as long as I could. I float while I’m sleeping and dreaming and just try not to drown when I’m awake. I can only swim for so long.

I’m hoping that my 30’s are not as tempestuous as what came before. I hope I can get through what’s to come with more grace and poise than I did with things as a child, as a teenager, as an early adult. I hope I can break out of my dissociation and reconnect with my life. I haven’t been able to articulate thoughts like these in a while. So hopefully this is a good sign that something is changing. I like change. Things have been stagnant within me for too long.

[junow-honours]

Simon Denny, Blockchain Future States at the Berlin Biennale

The pieces on view at PS1 aimed to repurpose the conventions of contemporary art to investigate numerous aspects of digital capitalism, including startup culture, corporate language and display, and pirate economies. One’s opinion of this work largely depended on whether one thought it suggestively reframed its appropriated referents, or instead merely reproduced them in a bid to leverage their contemporaneity for the benefit of the artist and museum. To this viewer, Denny’s most effective works have been those that exert the greatest torsion on what are by now overly familiar strategies: readymade assemblages that function as “portraits” of buzzy startups; installations based on corporate conference rooms; embedded “research” with tech incubators; a deadpan neoconceptualist investigation of Samsung’s corporate philosophy.

Yet while some critics have interpreted this work as a kind of Institutional Critique 2.0, along the lines of work by Carey Young or Melanie Gilligan, Denny’s public persona suggests a more ambiguous, conflicted, or compromised stance. In certain situations Denny has adopted what appears to be a subversive position; one thinks here of “Secret Power,” his contribution to the 2015 Venice Biennale, which used images surreptitiously commissioned from a former graphic designer for the US National Security Agency. In others, he has spoken in the bland generalities typical of much contemporary art discourse: he is “interested” in tech culture or “fascinated” by its contradictions, and tends to deflect questions about whether he is being sarcastic. In still others, Denny presents himself with what seems to be a completely ingenuous earnestness: “I am a fan of the culture of entrepreneurship. An artist is also a business... The values associated with entrepreneurship seem very close to me. Highly motivated people with high-risk precarious ideas mixed with efficiency and metrics. What could be more beautiful?”

Given such an overt echo of Warhol (“good business is the best art”), or the fact that Denny has spoken favorably about “critical trolling,” one first wants to take him ironically, only to find this impulse stymied by all the evidence to the contrary. Denny has the credibility to be taken seriously by Texte zur Kunst, but he also has no problem speaking of his sincere respect for the advertising industry, glibly telling DIS about the contents of his DLD swag bag, or giving an interview to Bloomberg for a fawning video profile. Some might say that this speaks to his ability to locate contradictions in the discursive-institutional economy of contemporary art, yet while this might be so Denny’s mobility nevertheless comes at the cost of a fundamental compromise, in that his stance inevitably reads as one of noncommittal, easily recuperated quasi- or para- or post-critique.

[nejibaby]

Small Details

Pairings: Neji x Y/N

Summary: Neji was a man of few words, even more so with you, and when he sees you with Naruto in a compromising position, he has troubles expressing himself.

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: And I finally managed to finish this! It took me so long! Today, I offer you a flustered Neji... 👀 I hope y’all enjoy it because I may or may not have melted after writing this 😚

✨Photo taken from this post by @yul-is-sparkling ✨

Naruto was finally back after two years of training with Jiraiya. Being one of his closest friends, you were excited to meet him and to see for yourself how much he’s grown.

Naturally, you challenged him to a duel the first time you saw him again. It was kind of your thing with Naruto — competing with each other on who’s faster, stronger, better in ninjutsu, anything really. Mainly because Sasuke, who he often referred to as his rival, would rarely indulge him with such things, and you did. You were both competitive like that.

In no time, you were both alone on the training grounds. You could already tell how drastic his improvements were within the start of the battle.

You were in awe at how the Legendary Sannins could bring out the best in their apprentices. But despite not being trained by them, that didn’t mean you were lagging behind.

In those two years when Sasuke seeked Orochimaru for power, Naruto trained under Jiraiya, and Sakura learned from Tsunade, you were the only one in Team 7 who remained under the supervision of Kakashi sensei.

Kakashi sensei may not be a Legendary Sannin, but he was a formidable shinobi — one of the best during his generation even. However, truthfully, he infuriated you at first, not because of how late he always was — you were pretty used to it to the point that you don’t question him anymore about his whereabouts and he stopped coming up with excuses as to why he was late — but because there were times when he was too laidback.

Sure, there were moments when he was hands-on: teaching you different jutsus, lecturing you about certain concepts, informing you on what you should always look out for, drilling your body past exhaustion, and the like. But more often than not he would be saying something like, “Find it out yourself” or “I can’t exactly tell you how” as he leisurely sits on a tree branch while reading the stupid Icha Icha books.

You were dumbfounded and furious at first but when your initial annoyance subsided and you had adjusted to his teaching style, you flourished.

That’s why you could take on Naruto even after his training with Jiraiya.

What started as a serious duel between you and Naruto was reduced to playful banter the longer the fight dragged on. At one point, both of you would just tease each other while throwing kicks and punches halfheartedly.

Both of you had your guards down. That was a mistake on your part, because just as Naruto aimed to kick your face and you bent over backwards to dodge it, you slipped. You lost your footing all because of a rock situated near your right foot.

It was a rookie mistake.

Naruto was quick to notice that you were falling so he immediately grabbed ahold of your hand. The problem was he failed to pull you back up. So you ended up falling down with him. And somehow, he ended up with his arms on the sides of your head so he wouldn’t crush you as you were underneath him.

You were both shocked. You were just blinking at each other. It took awhile for the two of you to gather your bearings. When you did, you both immediately laughed out loud. Naruto moved his body so he was lying next to you as you both continued laughing your hearts out.

“What the hell was that, Naruto?!” You feigned exasperation. “You wouldn’t be able to save a fly if you tried.”

“At least I wasn’t the one making rookie mistakes like that,” Naruto shot back. “Plus I tried to help, that’s what matters.”

You snorted. “Yeah, right. You could’ve at least focused your chakra on your soles so we didn’t fall!”

“And you could’ve paid attention to your surroundings, Y/N!”

You bickered with each other as you stood up and helped Naruto get up. What the two of you didn’t know was that your boyfriend Neji had watched the whole incident.

Neji wasn’t really the type to get jealous. He’s a very understanding boyfriend. He’s aware that you and Naruto have been best friends even before he met you. He even knew about Naruto’s feelings for Sakura. However, any sane person wouldn’t want to see his significant other beneath someone else, right? Granted, it was an accident, but still… It was such a compromising position to find you in.

He made his appearance as you playfully punched Naruto in the gut.

You instantly noticed him approaching. Your smile widened even more at the sight of your boyfriend. “Neji!” You called, skipping your way towards him. You would’ve tackled him in a hug if Naruto wasn’t around.

He maintained his stoic expression as he greeted, “Y/N. Naruto.”

“Oi Neji, it’s been a while,” Naruto waved.

Neji only gave a curt nod in response.

You asked, “What are you doing here, Neji?” but just as you ended your question, the answer immediately clicked on your mind. “Oh my god, I’m sorry I forgot!”

Over your excitement of Naruto’s arrival, you forgot that it was a Tuesday. Tuesdays were your lunch dates and sparring sessions with Neji.

“It’s okay.”

“Hold on.” you told him and then faced Naruto. “Gotta go, Naruto! Bye!” you said as you grabbed Neji’s hand out of habit.

Neji flushed, not exactly expecting your action, but you didn’t notice because it was something that you’re used to doing, although not in the presence of someone else.

“See you later!” Naruto waved.

When Naruto was out of sight, you dropped Neji’s hand unconsciously. “Sorry, I forgot about lunch. What time is it? Have you eaten?” You asked Neji.

He quickly responded and told you he hasn’t eaten anything yet.

“Well then, let’s go. I’m starving.”

Neji and you walked side by side out of the training grounds.

“So…” you started saying.

Neji stared at you. “Hm?”

“How was your day, baby?”

He cleared his throat and looked away almost instantly. Very rarely would one find Neji flustered, but calling him “baby” always worked. He wasn’t quite used to the endearment and every time you addressed him as such with tenderness laced in your voice, he would blush. You use it all the time just to see his cheeks tinted pink. It was a cute sight.

“What’s wrong?” You playfully asked while trying to get into his line of vision.

He refused to meet your gaze until he regained his composure. When he did, he told you — in an impassive manner — what he had done in the morning before he went out looking for you.

Despite his expressionless face and his rather hushed tone, you listened intently to the words he was saying, the smile on your lips never leaving your face. Neji was a man of few words even until now that you were together so you made sure you paid attention every time he spoke, not wanting his words to go to waste.

He wouldn’t admit it to you but he loved that about you. You would remember even the little details of his stories, which in itself was a big deal considering you tend to forget a lot of things. You treasured his words, sentences, thoughts, ideas and plans, and kept them enclosed in your memory.

Neji loved that you focused on him. You made him feel like he was important and worthy, and that he mattered, in a completely different way than the others’ view of him.

The others only saw him as important because he was an asset both to the Hyuga clan and to Konoha. He only mattered to them because he has the strength and ability to protect them.

But you didn’t see him that way. You saw him as his own person — a man with a brilliant mind, a great moral compass, and a heart of gold. This was further confirmed when you told him that if his circumstances were different — if he was not a Hyuga or even a shinobi — you’d still fall in love with him as long as his character remained the same.

He knew you love him, there was no doubt about that. It was known; it was an irrefutable truth, an indisputable fact. But why did seeing you with Naruto trigger his insecurities that you had previously put to rest?

His mind was reeling, but he tried his hardest to be in the moment with you.

The thing was, he might have misread you a little. Because the attention that you gave him wasn’t solely focused on his words. In actuality, it extended to his actions and mannerisms as well.

This was how you knew that there was something that was bothering Neji today.

Unwelcome thoughts swarmed his mind, leading him to absentmindedly reach out to you. He was walking beside you closer than usual, with his hand on your lower back. While there was no doubt that he was listening to you when it was your turn to tell him about your day with Naruto, he had a faraway, vacant look on his face.

You may have missed the presence of a rock a while ago, but you certainly wouldn’t miss these small details about Neji.

These might come across as something normal for other people, but for someone like you who dedicated a lot of time admiring and memorizing every little detail of the certain Hyuga boy, it was easy to tell that something was on his mind from the way he was taking up a portion of your personal space. Almost as if his own restrictions were non-existent.

Normally, it would’ve been easier to confront him about it, but you were a shinobi, and if there’s something you learned from Kakashi sensei, it was that you have to gather more intel before actually making a move.

But you could only think of one way to confirm if there was something bothering your partner, and it was through his hair.

On regular days, Neji wouldn’t allow anyone to touch his hair, including you. But when there was something that was bothering him, or if he had a particularly rough day, he wouldn’t mind it if you threaded your fingers through his hair. In fact, he wouldn’t admit it, but he preferred it if you did that. It was something that calmed him down.

So while you continued telling him how your day went, you subtly angled your body towards him. Then you tentatively reached for the tips of his hair with your hand that was closest to him. You managed to grab a few strands of his hair between your thumb and index finger. You twisted them between your fingers.

You looked up to him to check if he was bothered by it, but it seemed like he didn’t mind at all. This certainly meant that his mind was elsewhere, despite the fact that he was nodding in the right parts of your speech and even correcting you when you used the wrong word to describe something.

You retracted your hand after coming up with your conclusion. You even stopped talking as you were thinking of what could’ve happened for him to be this distracted. Neji didn’t even notice you stopped talking mid sentence.

Somehow this just felt different from the times he was frustrated or anxious before, and quite frankly, you were worried.

By the time you had both placed orders and seated in a random restaurant, you decided to confront your partner. “So, Neji, baby, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

He choked on nothing after hearing your question. Was he really that easy to read? Or was it easy just because it was you reading him?

He cleared his throat and feigned ignorance, “What are y-you talking about?”

You opted to give him a pointed look instead of a verbal response.

He didn’t stare back, looking anywhere but you. Most times, Neji would face you head on until you conceded; with you, he was comfortable being stubborn and unyielding because it came without repercussions. But today, he wasn’t up for the challenge. And if you looked more closely, he was once again sporting a faint color on his cheeks.

You waited a moment for him to answer, or at least to look back, but it was to no avail. With a sigh, you said, with the softest tone you could muster partnered with a reassuring smile, “Would you let me know when you’re ready, at least?”

Surprisingly, Neji looked at you then. “It’s nothing… It’s just… something silly.”

You gently grabbed a hold of his hand. “Don’t tell me it’s silly, I know it isn’t if it bothers you, baby. You don’t have to tell me now if you aren’t comfortable yet, hmm? Just know I’ll be here to listen to you.” You gave him a genuine smile and a small squeeze to his hand before letting go.

Neji’s eyes hadn’t strayed from then onwards. He had to admit sometimes he would forget how incredibly kindhearted you were, even more so when it came to him. You always made sure he was comfortable. You never forced him into doing or saying things that he wasn’t ready to do or say. You allowed him to make his own decisions and respected them, something that rarely came from being a subordinate of Konoha and a member of the branch family of the Hyuga clan.

Life as a shinobi was sometimes constricting, but you were his breather from all that.

It was your turn to be bashful from his stare. You could feel your face warming up from the unexpected, scrutinizing gaze. “Neji, stop it.”

“What?”

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Stop being beautiful, then.”

The words that came out of Neji’s lips startled you. It wasn’t everyday he would actually use words to tell you you’re beautiful. The way he expressed his appreciation to your beauty would come in the form of fluttering kisses or gentle brushes on your body parts — coincidentally, or not, on parts where you feel the most insecure about.

Fortunately for you, the food came at the right moment, since you weren’t exactly sure how to respond to his unexpected compliment. You both ate in silence then, occasionally peeking at each other  — almost like how it was when you first started dating each other.

When you were done with lunch, you expected to take the route towards the training grounds like you both usually did, but Neji’s hand has taken solace on your back once again and this time with intent to guide you to a different direction.

You were confused but you followed anyway. “Where are we going?”

“To my place.” A pause. “Is that fine with you?”

“Sure” was all you could say. Admittedly, you were quite tired from the duel you had with Naruto earlier and you didn’t really have enough energy to spar with Neji, considering he never went easy on you.

By the time you had entered his place, he graciously offered his couch to you, as if sensing your exhaustion. You immediately plopped down on his couch after setting aside your footwear by his front door.

“Tired?”

“Very,” you mumbled.

He handed you a glass of water, knowing you weren’t quite fond of tea. He sat down beside you just as you thanked him and sipped on your drink.

Setting aside the glass, you leaned back on the couch, only to be welcomed by Neji’s arms. A small smile automatically crept into your lips from the gesture. You snuggled into him as a reflex.

It was moments like this with Neji that you treasured most. While you enjoyed tagging around with him and the rest of Team Guy on missions, you preferred spending time with him peacefully like this, without the imminent threat of danger looming over your heads. It was rather a rare occurrence, after all, for two shinobis like you both were.

Neji was first to break the comfortable silence. “I saw you with Naruto a while ago.”

“You did? When?” You excitedly asked while trying to pull away from his embrace to look directly to his face. But for some reason, he kept you in place, your cheek pressed to his neck. “Did you see me kick his ass? Like literally.”

“Yes,” he answered flatly. It was a response that sounded so… dry. Usually when you both talked about Naruto, there would be a fondness from his tone. “But… I also saw something else…” he trailed off.

You raked your mind, trying to remember what had happened earlier. Then the memory of falling down flashed on your mind, and suddenly you felt embarrassed for Neji having to witness such a mistake. “Oh no!” You jumped out of his grasp, startling him in the process. “You saw me fall down! That’s so embarrassing!” You covered your face with your palms.

“Well, yes… but—”

You snapped your head at the tone he used. He didn’t sound like he was going to tease you for your mistake, in fact, it kind of sounded like he was worried.

“I’m fine though, if you’re worried,” you offered, assuming he thought you got hurt from the fall.

“I’m glad you are not hurt,” he said. Not long after you noticed him visibly gulping.

You could tell there was something else in his mind, and whatever it was, you had a feeling it might’ve been the thing that was bothering him a while ago. You tried to come up with guesses as to what it could’ve been. As you recalled how the conversation started and considered how he was acting, a plausible answer popped into your mind.

“Are you perhaps… jealous?” You hesitantly asked. He was the first one to initiate this conversation so you were assuming he was ready to talk about it. Despite that though, you didn’t want to force him to talk so you carefully and reluctantly asked him. He was always allowed to drop the topic if he wasn’t comfortable and he knew that.

Neji cleared his throat as soon as the words left your mouth all the while avoiding to meet your eyes once again. “Maybe,” he almost inaudibly said.

You were surprised by his answer. It wasn’t always that Neji got jealous. The only time he was was when a stranger was blatantly hitting on you in front of him while you were on a mission together.

“It did not sit right with me seeing you in an… inappropriate position with someone else.” He explained. The tone he used sounded like the one he used with the Hokage when he was taking responsibility for something that went horribly wrong on a mission.

“Don’t make it sound like it’s wrong,” you said softly as you cupped his face. “You don’t have to feel guilty about feeling jealous. Your feelings are valid.”

The gentleness and warmth in your voice made his heart flutter. If this was a conversation with someone else, he was sure he was going to get teased for feeling this way, but it was with you, and you had always been different.

“I love you, Neji,” you said before you kissed his lips.

It was amazing how the three words you used that preceded his name could easily wipe out the jealousy that had brewed inside him. This was another testament of how well you knew Neji — not only did you know the small details about him, but you also know the right words to ease his worries.

[kouslut]

Having for the most part already deemed it all a lost cause- courtesy of Tsunehito and his own awkwardness in the face of someone he knew wouldn't be swayed as easily as those who called himself his fans- Kousuke's eyes shot open at the unexpected acceptance of his invitation. And then further still at the rest of the words that followed it- babysit? Keep the star all to himself? The fact that Masahiro was suggesting that he'd caught on to his attempts at ensuring he didn't step out of line in any way that might compromise his time on set was, admittedly, more shocking yet.

Not that it wasn't obvious- he'd just figured he'd been friendly and subtle enough for his behaviour to hopefully have registered as friendly rather than pointedly aimed at the goal of shaping him into a better co-lead. That wasn't really his intent, no- Kousuke had really just meant to try and... help, he supposed. Because, as always he'd assumed he knew better. And he did, he did for real, for once in his life, because acting and gigs like this one had been his job for the past god-knows-how-long. But the thing was that he did respect Masahiro's actual way of doing things, the way he'd handled the reading. Yes, it had been a little rough around the edges, in the way that it was bound to be for reasons that included the fact that it had been the first time for everyone, but it had in no way been bad or unprofessional and now-

Well. Now he felt a little cheated. Cheated in the fact that Tsunehito had decided to be annoying and that, as a result, Masahiro himself had seemingly decided that Kousuke's invitation had been a matter of obligation and fake politeness, which- no. No, that simply wasn't him. It had been to an extent, maybe, but only because the guy had looked helpless and he had a thing for feeling helpful- that had been it.

The perceived rejection of his kindness was all it took for him to realize how genuine it all had been, on his part. And fuck him if he wasn't going to make that apparent.

And then there was the bit about being kept all to one person, which- how was he supposed to take something like that? Because it was either a kind way of asking him to fuck off, which seemed unlikely, or a very unsubtle beg for-

... Well, there was no need to misconstrue things- Masahiro probably had just assumed that he was being a burden. And Kousuke had drilled it into his own brain already that he wasn't going to have his good intentions squandered by that sort of distrust born of useless insecurities. It wasn't like he hadn't dealt with that sort of resistance before, if for completely different reasons and in entirely unrelated situations- and, this time, he had genuineness on his side. He wasn't going to be shot down if he could help it. And Masahiro was going to fucking have to sit at his side if he had a say in it, as a penalty for doubting his goodwill.

"The sweet Makoto's joining us!" Tsunehito unhelpfully helped himself to the conversation with that not-quite-laughing giggle of his, stealing the air just as Kousuke had been about to respond, if a little too eagerly and maybe the tiniest bit angrily. "How nice. Love the method acting! Can see why you were cast." As his bitterness was redirected from his co-lead to his best friend, Kousuke made a mental note to offer Tsunehito a round for unknowingly allowing him to get out of it all without having to get snarky. With a shake of his head and a sigh, he fixed his face and let the frown melt away, and tore the other's forearms off himself, too, while he was at it.

"I really did think you were gonna bomb," Tsunehito continued after sticking out his tongue at Kousuke, obviously not giving a shit about how patronizing he sounded- or maybe, maybe doing it entirely on purpose. Free round rights revoked. "Since Kou seemed sooo preoccupied with you. But you did great! Gratz!" "Fu- Shut up," Kousuke flicked him in annoyance, admittedly understanding why one might think him two-faced, considering the company he kept, disregarding the fact that he actually was. He hurried to reassure Masahiro as best as he could, though he was sure there was no reassurance to be found in his annoyed expression. "He doesn't mean to talk sh- be rude. He's just a fucking moron." "Guilty as charged!" the other promptly chimed in, flashing a smile to boot. Asshole. "At any rate-" Kousuke raised his voice just to ensure Tsunehito would shut up for good. If he furrowed his brow at Masahiro, well, that was only for the sake of ensuring that he would take his words seriously, too. And maybe to challenge that modesty of his. "Everyone's going to be wanting to talk to us both, mister co-lead. Sticking together is a matter of convenience on top of being a necessity for teambuilding."

... Ah, fuck. That only reinforced the "only doing this to look good" narrative. Fuck. He'd fix that later- the guy was gonna be forced to stick to him at any rate. He'd get his chance to prove his points- and himself. For now, he could only roll with it and whatever the fuck Masahiro would have made of it.

"As for hanging out with my friend," he continued after a beat. "That's for when work's over." "Aww, Kou-" Tsunehito's derisive comment was promptly cut off by Kousuke's own elbow to his ribs. "So," he continued. "Let's head to lunch, Masahiro."

Masahiro couldn’t quite believe it, but did Kousuke seem unsure? It had to be his imagination. It was impossible that someone so universally popular as he was would never have a reason to be awkward around anyone. Masahiro probably barely even registered on his radar. But still, there was something in his expression after he complimented the man that led him to think he wasn’t quite as put together as Masahiro assumed he was.

When Tsunehito joined them, or rather, joined Kousuke, Masahiro could feel the wall being bricked up between them. Almost as effective as the cold rejection that had happened between their characters only a few minutes before. Once the two men were together, Masahiro became an afterthought, an outsider. His skin crawled at the thought of trying to have a conversation with Kousuke while the other man existed between them. Even as Kousuke attempted to invite him to join him and some of the other actors for lunch.

“I…” He opened his mouth to respond, to tell Kousuke he didn’t want to be in the way, but was caught off guard by the uncertainty in his co-star's voice. Was the awkwardness from earlier still saturating their interactions? If so, how could he fix that? He had started it with his social ineptitude, but he had no idea how to make things genuinely friendly between them.

Tsunehito inviting himself was another blow, and Masahiro bit his lower lip, leaning back in his chair and away from the two as much as he could. If he could just speak up, could make a joke or brush it all off, everything would be better. But he had no idea how to manage that. If he had, the entire debacle that morning wouldn’t have happened at all! How could he be expected to figure this out when he couldn’t even handle a one on one conversation?

But… It really did seem like Kousuke wanted him to go to the cast lunch. And, he knew it was probably a good idea, even if he didn’t end up having a chance to chat with him when his friend was around. If he got to know some of the other actors his age, the ones that would be playing the group of high school friends, maybe it would do him some good. Having some actual conversations with people his age and getting to know them could only help with their dynamic in the future. So, even if he didn’t get to connect more with his co-star, it would probably be a good experience over all.

It didn’t change the fact that he wanted to connect with Kousuke. And not just on this project. He wanted to get to know him. There was something in the way he had thrown all politeness out the window that morning and just talked to him so frankly that made Masahiro crave to pick his brain a bit more. He wanted to know the real Kousuke, and not the face he showed everyone as an actor. It was selfish, and not at all something he was willing to actually ask for. Kousuke would likely laugh in his face. There was no way his offer of “friendship” had been a genuine offer. It was for them to put on a good face for the media.

He knew that. He did. It didn’t stop him from wishing it was real.

“I… I’ll go. I should probably get to know everyone, right?” He forced a smile, drawing on the acting he had been doing for the last little while with their table read. “You don’t have to babysit me or anything though. I’m sure you’d rather hang out with your friend. No one’s gonna like me if I try to keep the star all to myself.”

Had his voice cracked when he said 'all to himself'? Had he betrayed his honest feelings? Masahiro looked down at the pile of papers in front of him, needing to not look at Kousuke any more than necessary. It wouldn’t be good if his co-star hated him from day one because he was clingy just because he had offered him some advice. It would be better if he got to know the others and didn’t focus all his attention on Kousuke. Better for Kousuke, at any rate. He didn’t want any weird rumors starting because he was already feeling so attached.

[reallifesultanas]

The myths around Kösem Sultan's execution / A Köszem szultána halála körüli legendák

One of the most frequently discussed topics about the Sultanate of Women is the brutal execution of Kösem Sultan. Usually, the casual people think that she was assassinated by her son-in-law Turhan Hatice Sultan during a long power struggle. We have plenty of accounts of the events, but there are quite a few of them that are contemporary. In this post, I would like to summarize what we know, who were the characters of the events, and what might have happened that night. In the comments section or in Tellonyme, I look forward to everyone's opinion and comment about the topic so that we can discuss it! :) If you don't know Kösem Sultan, you can read her biography HERE.

What do we know for sure?

- After Ibrahim's dethronement and execution, Kösem Sultan became a regent to her grandson Mehmed IV. - Turhan, Mehmed’s mother, and Kösem Sultan were on different sides during the political games. - Kösem Sultan was killed by her enemies on September 2, 1651. - Turhan Hatice became the new regent, Kösem Sultan's executioners were not punished, but her supporters were soon killed.

Backstory

Kösem Sultan came to power for the second time in February 1640. Along with her crazy son, Ibrahim I, she began to rule the Ottoman Empire as regent. Everyone loved her, she had a huge experience in rule, she did a lot of charity. Everything seemed perfect, but her son, Ibrahim, soon came under the influence of bad advisers. Cinci Hoca was a religious leader in occult sciences who took advantage of the Sultan’s mental problems and seriously influenced him. As a result, the Sultan executed his Grand Vizier in 1644 and exiled his mother. He originally intended to send his mother to the island of Rhodes, but eventually, his concubines persuaded him to send her only to another palace. Kösem Sultan spent the next few years there in exile, but during that time she corresponded regularly with the statesmen and tried to keep everything under control. She probably wrote her well-known letter to Hezarpare Ahmed Pasha here, saying, "In the end, he will not leave you or me alive and we will lose control of the state again, thereby destroying our society." The situation deteriorated to the point that in 1647 Kösem Sultan and the new Grand Vizier, Salih Pasha and Seyhülislam Abdürrahim Efendi tried to dethrone Ibrahim but they failed. The next year, both the Janissaries and the Ulema joined the rebellion, and on August 8, 1648, the mad sultan was easily dethroned and imprisoned and his followers were removed from positions.

Ibrahim was succeeded by his son, Mehmed, who was barely 6 years old, andso he needed a regent. The statesmen asked Kösem Sultan for the honorary task. The position of regent was usually held by teachers, pashas, or mothers (in the case of Mehmed II, the Grand Vizier was regent; in Ahmed I, his mother and teacher; in Murad IV, and Ibrahim's case their mother), so Kösem Sultan was the first grandmother to become regent. According to the most accepted opinions, this happened because Mehmed’s mother, Turhan Hatice, was not even 25 years old at the time, too young and inexperienced to run the empire. Anyhow Kösem Sultan started her third regency and she constantly disregarded Mehmed’s mother, Turhan. Because of Turhan’s youth, she might truly would not have been the best regent, yet she had every right to control the harem. Kösem Sultan, however, did not allow this to the young woman either. So Turhan, in vain was the mother of the reigning sultan, all her duties were ruled by Kösem Sultan. Kösem Sultan gained more and more enemies both in the divan and the harem, so both places split into two sides: Kösem Sultan and her supporters and Turhan Sultan and her supporters.

Two opposite sides and characters

Kösem Sultan and her supporters

Kösem Sultan ruled the empire as a regent for decades, and when she was not a regent, she followed events as valide sultan. Earlier in her life, she worked together with most of the pashas. During her first regency, she said that she, as the representative of the ruler, intended to be there at the divan meetings in person. This was not allowed by the pashas and so she was forced to accept. During her third regency, however, she was not bowing before anyone’s will. She had lost all her sons, buried at least one daughter, sacrificed her whole life for the empire, so then she refused to compromise on anything anymore. She wished to rule the empire as an absolute monarch. And in the divan she dismissed everyone who disagreed with her. More and more people began to debate her right for ruling. One of her well-known divan speeches happed around this time. Kösem Sultan accused the Grand Vizier Sofu Ahmed Pasha of wanting to kill her, then she continued: “Thank God I survived four rulers and I ruled for a long time myself. The world will neither collapse nor reform with my death.”

Kösem Sultan went too far. She didn't just change the pashas she did not like but replaced them with Janissary officers. The Janissaries have served her with allegiance since the first regency of Kösem Sultan. Back then, in 1623, she went against everyone and gave the Janissaries a huge amount of money after Murad IV's accession to the throne. Although there were rebellions and disagreements, basically the Janissaries - but at least some of their corps - were loyal to Kösem Sultan. Representation of the Janissaries has been a thing for centuries, but to make Janissaries — or simply soldiers — vizieres was too much. Pashas learnt a lot and bore a lot to reach the highest possible positions and they were aware of how to be good veziers. This was their only aim and Kösem put Janissary officers there instead of educated statesmen. Everyone in the divan felt that Kösem Sultan wanted to build a military rule so that she could lead the empire in a way she liked. Thus, by 1651, only a few corps of Janissaries were actually on the side of Kösem in political terms. Although the people still loved her for her generous charity, in political terms their support did not mean much.

In addition to the growing tension with the pashas, Kösem Sultan had a rival in the harem also. Although most sources treat it as a fact that the relationship of Kösem Sultan and Turhan was terrible, there is no evidence to that effect. The relationship between the two of them only began to deteriorate over time, but in general, it can be said that Kösem Sultan just did not care about Turhan at all. She certainly looked down on her and didn't think much about Turhan. Kösem Sultan, although she had her own harem staff, did not have the most influential eunuch. Moreover, some said most of her servants also found her unworthy after realizing the way she treated Turhan. Perhaps it is no coincidence that so many sources mention a servant named Meleki Hatun, who famously switched sides and betrayed Kösem Sultan and began to strengthen Turhan’s side.

Turhan Hatice Sultan and her supporters

Turhan Hatice had more allies and so was in a better position in the harem than Kösem Sultan. She received help from an influential eunuch, Suleiman Agha. Suleiman aga was the leader of the harem agas, an ambitious eunuch with great power and contact system, with significant political influence. The harem was actually torn in two, thanks to the supporters of Kösem Sultan and Turhan Hatice. Both sides had their own chief eunuchs, which caused immense chaos within the harem, people did not know whose instructions to follow. And although the title of Valide Sultan belonged to Turhan Hatice as the mother of the sultan, the vernacular referred to her only as “small valide,” while Kösem Sultan was called “big valide”. Suleiman Agha's support, however, was worth its weight in gold. The eunuch looked primarily at his own interests throughout his life, and he had a great understanding of how to exploit and influence people. This is precisely why the possibility arises that it was Suleiman who set Turhan up and turned her against Kösem Sultan. Perhaps it was Suleiman who - hoping for his own rise from the young valide - persuaded her to take what was her right. In addition, Suleiman Agha was very liked by the young sultan, becoming a kind of father figure for the boy. Of course, it is not my intention to underestimate the role of Turhan in the events, but at the same time, I feel that the role of Suleiman Agha is actually underrated and I would like to make that clear. I’m not saying Turhan was a naive girl led by the evil Suleiman Agha, I just think that without Suleiman’s support and incitement, Turhan probably wouldn’t have, or much later, confronted Kösem Sultan.

In addition to Suleiman, three other major eunuchs also sided with Turhan: Hoca Reyhan Agha, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Agha, and Ali Agha. Hoca Reyhan Agha was closest to Turhan as his associate and religious leader, but Lala Hajji Aga was also a long-term partner in Turhan’s life. In addition to the eunuchs, we must also mention Meleki Hatun, whose legend is well known. According to this, she was the one who betrayed the plan of Kösem Sultan to Turhan, thus saving the little Sultan Mehmed from death and dethronement. However, the reality is probably less romantic. It is unlikely that a previously insignificant, never-ever mentioned servant like Meleki would have known about Kösem Sultan's plans and so could betray her. Certainly, Meleki was given a bigger role in the legend than she actually had. Maybe Meleki has agreed to be a scapegoat, testifying against Kösem Sultan if she gets goods in return. Given what a huge fortune Meleki gained after Kösem Sultan’s death, we can’t rule out this option either. Even if Meleki brought supporters for Turhan within the harem, she could have had quite a bit of an impact on the whole event. In addition to Turhan, the key figure was Suleiman Agha, who also had a close relationship with the divan, so he could easily connect members of the divan who were dissatisfied with Kösem Sultan. The most influential supporter was none other than the Grand Vizier, Siyavuş Pasha, but practically the entire divan turned against Kösem Sultan so far. It should also be mentioned that although most formations of the Janissaries were impartial or were on Kösem Sultan's side, the Sipahies tended to the group of Turhan and her supporters.

What led to the tragic night?

Before turning to the immediate causes, we need to jump back a bit in time to better understand Kösem Sultan's behavior. As is well known, Ibrahim I was succeeded by his son, Mehmed, barely 6 years old, who needed a regent. The statesmen asked Kösem Sultan for the honorary task. However, the request was rather strange. Why is that? The regent position was usually held by teachers, pashas, or mothers, and Kösem Sultan was none. Moreover, Kösem Sultan rejected the request for the first time on the grounds that she no longer has the strength to rule further.

Why did Kösem Sultan take on the task? Did she really want to retire?

To understand Kösem Sultan's thoughts, we need to jump a little further back in time. Kösem Sultan was in exile for years during Ibrahim's reign. From her exile, she repeatedly attempted a coup against her own son. From one of her surviving letters in exile, it is clear that she was part of the coup that eventually dethroned her son. Outwardly, however, she showed a very different picture. After Ibrahim was shut down, they wanted to put his son, Mehmed, on the throne. Kösem Sultan then met with the statesmen at Topkapi Palace to discuss with them what Ibrahim's fate should be. They negotiated for hours, but Kösem Sultan all along refused to give Ibrahim's eldest son to the statemen. The statesmen had to publicly convince Kösem Sultan for hours. Kösem Sultan who had previously done everything to dethrone her son is now standing by his son. Why? Of course, we will never know exactly what happened in her mind. However, it seems probable, that Kösem Sultan wanted to keep the image of a loving mother in front of the soldiers and the people. If she would just agree to Ibrahim's dethronement and Mehmed's enthronement that would be strange from a loving mother. Therefore, she held a sham debate with the pashas not to lose the sympathy of the people, but at the same time to keep the empire safe. Kösem Sultan was an experienced politician who was able to rule for years, and her loving and caring mother image was essential to that. Thus, with Kösem Sultan's consent, Sultan Ibrahim was eventually closed up and Mehmed has proclaimed their new sultan. Perhaps the first rejection of regency in 1648 was also part of a play like this. Kösem Sultan maybe felt the people expect this of her, so she offered to retire, while maybe in the background she had already agreed with the pashas.

And why did the members of the divan let Kösem Sultan to be the regent? After all, any of the members of the divan or even Mehmed's teacher could have applied for the task. And that would give huge power to them. So why did they give this opportunity to Kösem Sultan?

Ibrahim I was executed on August 18, 1648. Some say Kösem Sultan gave her consent to the execution but it cannot be ruled out that the execution took place behind her back. As I mentioned above, the mother of the dethroned or assassinated sultans has traditionally retreated to the Old Palace, where they lived their remaining years politically inactive. In her case, however, this did not happen. This raises the possibility that Kösem Sultan was unaware of Ibrahim’s execution and the pashas tried to reconcile the shattered woman with this gesture. Maybe Kösem gave her consent, knew what will happen, but still in the end she couldn't bear the pain. Either way, after the execution Kösem Sultan has changed. She turned against the pashas with whom she had always cooperated before. Whichever version is true, we can clearly see that the Kösem Sultan who became a regent to Mehmed IV, was no longer the same woman who had previously been considered the beloved mother of the empire.

But who ordered the execution of Ibrahim? Do we know? No, we do not know. Actually any of the statesmen could do it, but either Suleiman Agha or Turhan Sultan could make the little sultan to sign the fetwa petition and then send it to the Seyhülislam to authorize. Anyhow, the fetwa was authorized with full right, as Ibrahim was very harmful to the empire.

The murder

As can be seen from the above summary, Kösem Sultan was trying to build an absolute monarchy in which no one but a few Janissary corpses supported her, so a huge team gathered against her. According to the well-known version, over time, the strife between Kösem Sultan and the statesmen escalated to the point that, with the support of Turhan Hatice, the statesmen tried to remove her from her position. Kösem Sultan in response to this planned to dethrone Sultan Mehmed and put her other grandson on the throne instead. To do this, she wanted to let the Janissaries into the palace so that they could carry out the coup at night, which is why she left the gate to the harem open for the night. However, Kösem Sultan's plan was revealed to her enemies. According to some it was a servant named Meleki Hatun, who betrayed Kösem and told her plans to Turhan. Thus, as soon as the men of Kösem Sultan opened the gate on September 2, 1651, the men of Turhan Hatice, led by Chief Eunuch Suleiman Agha, closed it and sent an execution squad to the residence of Kösem Sultan. When she heard knocking on her door Kösem Sultan thought that her own allies had come, so she shouted at them, “Have you come?”. However, instead of the voice of the Janissaries, she heard the voice of the eunuch Suleiman Agha, which made her panic and flee. It’s not exactly known if she did get out of her apartment and if yes then how because the descriptions don’t match. Some said she hid in a closet inside her apartment, others said she tried to get to the Janissaries, but she couldn’t get through the closed gate, so she finally hid in the room next to the gate.

The execution squad, which consisted of several eunuchs (Suleiman Agha, Hoca Reyhan Agha, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Agha, and Ali Agha, as well as some unknown eunuchs) continued the search. Kösem Sultan hid in a closet from which the edge of her dress protruded, revealing her hiding place. When they found her, she threw money at her executioners, trying to pay them off, but she had no chance against Turhan's loyal men. Legend has it that while the men tried to capture and strangle the valide sultan they ripped out her diamond earrings - which she had received from Sultan Ahmed - from her ears; torn apart her clothes as they tried to take away the precious ornaments from her. Kösem Sultan beyond her sixties fought very hard but in the end, the eunuchs overcame her. Some say she was strangled with her own hair, others said with a curtain. She survived the first strangulation attempt but did not survive the second.

However, there are several points in the story above that raise doubts:

- Kösem Sultan's problem was not Mehmed but was the pashas, Turhan and Suleiman Agha. Then why didn't she get rid of them? Wouldn’t it have been easier and more logical to kill these people than to dethrone one child sultan for the benefit of another child? Of course, we can justify this with the fact that Kösem Sultan was no longer sane, so let’s not even look for logic in her actions. However, it may also raise the possibility that perhaps Kösem Sultan was completely or at least partially innocent throughout the series of events. She may not have planned anything with the Janissaries, the whole plan was only invented by Turhan and her men to legitimize their own actions. However, it contradicts that the Janissaries were indeed preparing to gather on the tragic night, and it is unlikely that Turhan and her team could successfully cheat the Janissaries without Kösem Sultan realizing it. It is possible that Kösem Sultan was indeed prepared for a minor coup, but it was perhaps not directed against Mehmed. Kösem Sultan had to realize that besides the pashas, Suleiman Aga was behind the "rebellious" behavior of Turhan and Mehmed. I think Kösem Sultan planned a smaller coup in which she would have got rid of the eunuchs and servants she didn’t like and would have scared Mehmed and Turhan. This would have ensured her own power and that neither Turhan nor Mehmed would question her anymore.

- Why was Kösem Sultan killed in such a strange way? After all, the lawful, usual method of execution was by an execution squad with Seyhülislam fetwa and silk/bow string. (It is important to note, however, that female members of the dynasty have not been executed before, women have typically been punished only with exile.) Kösem Sultan in contrast was killed by inexperienced eunuchs, with a kind of fake fetwa, and by her own hair or a curtain. The question arises that perhaps the execution of Kösem Sultan was not even planned. If the execution would be planned, executioners could clearly kill her after a legal fetwa. About the fetwa... There was, of course, a fetwa, but the temporality is somewhat disturbed by the fact that the Seyhülislam was replaced by one of Turhan's trusted men just when the execution took place. Precisely because of this, and because of the unusual brutality of the execution, there is a possibility that perhaps the execution of Kösem Sultan was not originally planned, only things slipped out of control, and in the heat of the moment, the Eunuchs executed Kösem Sultan. In retrospect, to legalize the events, they produced a fetwa with the new Seyhülislam.

- But then who and why did finally decide that Kösem Sultan should die? Turhan was not present at the events, and since the murder was not planned in advance - based on the fetwa and executioners - I would remove her from the list of suspects. Of course, it cannot be ruled out that Turhan Hatice Sultan and Suleiman Agha talked about this possibility also. It is more probable, however, that they originally merely wanted to scare Kösem Sultan, to show her that she had been exposed, that time had passed over her. In my opinion, Turhan hoped that Kösem Sultan would admit her defeat and simply retire to the Old Palace. It would have been too risky to kill a venerate and beloved valide, especially knowing that none of the female members of the dynasty had ever been executed before. They probably wanted to resign her, but so far there was nothing to lose for Kösem Sultan. The only thing that still made her vivid was power, so she certainly objected to the idea of ​​forced retreat. When Suleiman Agha realized that Kösem Sultan was not listening to them, perhaps out of fear, he decided they had to kill her. After all, if the enraged Kösem Sultan had come out of the palace, Suleiman and the other eunuchs would have found themselves headless at once. Although there is no evidence of it, my personal opinion is that Suleiman may have wanted this from the first minute, as he knew full well that Kösem Sultan would never retire. Either way, the eunuchs eventually defeated and executed the elderly valide in a way that could not be called professional at all.

- Can we completely rule out that Kösem Sultan was executed with a truly legal fetwa and by an execution squad? Unfortunately, this cannot be ruled out either. The English ambassador, for example, reported that an execution squad had killed Kösem Sultan after a fetwa requested by the young sultan. He said that the execution happened in front of Mehmed eyes. We must admit though that the English ambassador was not among the best-informed ones. It is likely that everyone at the time believed that the fetwa was pre-issued. Only later, after historians’ research, it became very possible that the fetwa was presumably made after the execution of Kösem Sultan. It is not seems reasonable that Kösem Sultan would have been executed before the eyes of her 10-year-old grandson, Mehmed. Turhan tried very hard to protect her son, unlikely to have exposed him to such a trauma. Mustafa Naima agrees with the English ambassador that the execution was planned in advance, but he said it was not the eunuchs but an execution squad that killed Kösem Sultan. However, then why was the execution brutal? Why wasn't there a silk/bow string? Why was it performed by unfit eunuchs?

The aftermath of the murder

To prevent any resistance, during the night, Turhan Hatice and her men removed all statesmen who would have endangered them. The first man to be appointed that night was Ebu Said Efendi, the new Seyhülislam. He was the one who eventually issued the fetwa for the execution of Kösem Sultan (in retrospect). Turhan then sent a message to all statesmen and soldiers to immediately go to an audience where they would take allegiance to Sultan Mehmed. Most, out of fear or out of sincere feelings, immediately approached the Sultan, and those who did not, the new Seyhülislam issued a fetwa for them. Thus it became lawful to execute the supporters of Kösem Sultan, since they did not appear before the Sultan either. And the rebellious Janissaries were thus stigmatized as traitors and were legally executed. For commoners, they became the scapegoat for the death of Kösem Sultan. After the murder, Kösem Sultan was transported to the Old Palace, where her body was prepared for the funeral. She received an imperial funeral, and the people of Istanbul voluntarily held 3-day mourning, closing all shops and stores. Kösem Sultan has always been popular among the people, but interestingly the same people did not turn against Turhan because of the death of Kösem Sultan, in fact, Turhan became as loved and revered valide sultan just as Kösem Sultan was.

What happened to the real culprits? Turhan and Mehmed escaped, of course, but it is questionable whether they had any part in the murder at all. It is true that a rebellion in 1656 seriously shook their power, but in the end, they did not lose it. The main reasons for this were the weak Grand Veziers, the resurgent Celali rebellion, and the war with the Venetians. Due to the war people of the capital did not get enough grain, the soldiers were not properly paid, but ordinary people were also increasingly dissatisfied, especially angered by the extreme wealth of those close to the Sultan. Eventually, under the leadership of the Janissaries and Spahis, the people revolted on the fourth of March 1656. During the rebellion, several of those close to the sultan were brutally executed, the whole capital was ravaged. The mob hung all 31 people on trees next to the Blue Mosque. Among them was Meleki Hatun, whom the sultan especially loved. Although the capital has been shaken by riots in the past, such a rebellion has never happened before. Not only did the soldiers revolt, but the people also stood by the soldiers as one. Everyone closed their shops, a general strike took place during the rebellion.

Suleiman Agha was no longer in power when the rebellion took place and perhaps this held his head on his neck. After the assassination of Kösem Sultan, he became the chief black eunuch, but he could only enjoy the position until July 1652. Suleiman continued to stretch beyond his blanket, trying to change political issues that had nothing to do with him. Turhan Hatice also began to realize that Suleiman was not on their side at all, but only on his own. Of particular interest is that Lala Ibrahim Agha convinced Turhan of this, who himself took part in the execution of Kösem Sultan. Lala Ibrahim Agha was Turhan’s personal eunuch and he never longed (or wisely didn’t show her) for a higher position. Turhan was thus finally dismissed Suleiman Agha in 1652 and exiled him to Egypt. The refined eunuch even invented himself in exile, growing into an influential figure who became one of the main figures in Cairo’s local politics. He died in 1676/7.

Epilogue

We will probably never know exactly what led to the execution and how it took place. Nor was my aim with the post to present a perfect solution in the manner as Hercule Poirot usually does. I merely wished to shed light on the fact that the generally known and accepted theory should be regarded with some healthy doubts. The fact that it is the most generally accepted theory, does not mean it is the most thorough. There are plenty of question marks, dubious information which makes it clear that this whole situation was more complicated than two women fighting for domination over the harem.

Kösem Sultan was the sultana who broke the highest, who could have been at the top for a long time, but from the great heights, she finally fell down and became the only murdered valide sultana ever. Kösem Sultan had several titles during her life: Naib-i Sultanat (regent of the Ottoman Empire), Umin al-Mu'minin (mother of all muslims), Büyük Valide Sultan (great Valide Sultan), Valide-i Sehide (martyred mother), Valide-i Maktule (murdered mother), Valide-i Muazzama (magnificent mother).

Used sources:  M. Kocaaslan - IV. Mehmed Saltanatında Topkapı Sarayı Haremi: İktidar, Sınırlar ve Mimari; L. Peirce - The Imperial Harem; Ö. Kumrular - Kösem Sultan: iktidar, hırs, entrika; C. Finkel - Osman’s Dream: the History of the Ottoman Empire; M. P. Pedani - Relazioni inedite; N. Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; G. Börekçi - Factions and Favorites at the Courts of Sultan Ahmed I and His Immediate Predecessors; F. Davis - The Palace of Topkapi in Istanbul; Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; F. Suraiya, K. Fleet - The Cambridge History of Turkey 1453-1603; F. Suraiya - The Cambridge History of Turkey, The Later Ottoman Empire, 1603–1839; Ö. Düzbakar - Charitable Women And Their Pious Foundations In The Ottoman; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire, Networks of Power in the Court of the Sultan.

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A Nők szultánátusának egyik legtöbbször tárgyalt témája Köszem szultána brutális kivégzése. Általában a laikusok elintézik annyival, hogy Köszem szultánát menye, Turhan Hatice gyilkoltatta meg hosszas hatalmi harc lezárásaként. Rengeteg beszámoló áll rendelkezésünkre az eseményekről, ám meglehetősen kevés van köztük, mely konkrétan korabeli lenne. Ebben az írásban szeretném összegezni, hogy mit tudunk, kik voltak a szereplők az eseményekben és hogy mi történhetett azon a bizonyos éjjelen. A kommentszekcióban várom mindenki véleményét, megjegyzését a témáról, hogy meg tudjuk vitatni a posztot! :) Aki nem ismerné Köszem szultánát, az ITT tudja elolvasni életrajzát.  

Mit tudunk biztosan?

- Köszem I. Ibrahim trónfosztása és kivégzése után régens lett unokája IV. Mehmed mellett. - Turhan, Mehmed anyja és Köszem külöböző oldalon álltak a politikai játszmák során. - Köszemet 1651. szeptember 2-án meggyilkolták ellenségei. - Turhan Hatice lett az új régens, Köszem gyilkosai nem lettek megbüntetve, támogatóitól azonban rövidesen megszabadultak.

Előzmények

Köszem szultána 1640 februárjában másodjára került hatalomra. Zavart elméjú fia, I. Ibrahim mellett régensként kezdte irányítani az Oszmán Birodalmat. Köszemet mindenki szerette, az uralkodásban hatalmas tapasztalata volt, rengeteget jótékonykodott. Minden tökéletesnek tűnt, azonban fia, Ibrahim hamarosan rossz emberek befolyása alá került. Cinci Hoca okkult tudományokkal foglalkozó vallási vezető volt, aki kihasználta a szultán mentális problémáit és komolyan befolyásolta őt. Ennek az lett az eredménye, hogy a szultán 1644-ben a nagyvezírét kivégeztette, édesanyját pedig száműzte. Eredetileg Rodosz szigetére szándékozta küldeni anyját, de végül ágyasai meggyőzték, hogy csak egy másik palotába küldje. Köszem elkövetkezendő éveit ott töltötte száműzetésben, ám ezalatt az idő alatt is rendszeresen levelezett az államférfiakkal és igyekezett kézben tartani mindent. Valószínűleg itt írta meg jól ismert levelét is Hezarpare Ahmed Pasának, mely így szólt: “Végül sem titeket, sem engem nem hagyna életben és újra elveszítenénk az uralmat az állam felett, ezzel pedig lerombolnánk társadalmunkat.” Odáig fajult a helyzet, hogy 1647-ben Köszem szultána és az új nagyvezír, Salih Pasa és a Seyhülislam Abdürrahim Efendi megpróbálták trónfosztani Ibrahimot, azonban lebuktak. A következő évben a janicsárok és az ulema is csatlakozott a lázadáshoz és 1648 augusztus 8-án könnyűszerrel trónfosztották és bebörtönözték az őrült szultánt, követőit pedig eltávolították a pozíciókból.

Ibrahimot a trónon fia, az alig 6 éves Mehmed követte, aki mellett szükség volt egy régensre. Az államférfiak Köszemet kérték fel a megtisztelő feladatra. A régensi pozíciót általában tanítók, pasák vagy édesanyák látták el (II. Mehmed esetében a nagyvezír volt régens, I. Ahmednél anyja és tanítója, IV. Muradnál és I. Ibrahimnál anyjuk), így Köszem volt az első nagymama, akiből régens lehetett. Erre a legelfogadottabb vélemények szerint azért kerülhetett sor, mert Mehmed édesanyja, Turhan Hatice még 25 éves sem volt ekkor, túl fiatal és tapasztalatlan volt a birodalom irányításához. Köszem tehát belekezdett harmadik régensségébe és folyamatosan semmibe vette Mehmed édesanyját, Turhant. Turhan fiatalsága okán talán tényleg nem lett volna jó régens, ugyanakkor a hárem irányításához minden joga megvolt. Köszem viszont ezt sem engedte meg a fiatal nőnek. Turhan tehát hiába volt a regnáló szultán anyja, minden feladatkörét Köszem uralta. Emellett Köszem a divánban is egyre több ellenségre tett szert, így a hárem és a divan is két oldalra szakadt: Köszem támogatóira és Turhan támogatóira.

Két, szemben álló oldal és a szereplők

Köszem oldala

Köszem évtizedeken át uralta régensként a birodalmat, amikor pedig nem régens volt, valideként követte figyelemmel az eseményeket. Életének korábbi szakaszában a legtöbb pasa mellette állt, ami nem volt elmondható harmadik régensségéről. Köszem első régenssége alatt is jelezte, hogy ő, mint az uralkodó reprezentálása ott kíván lenni a divan gyűléseken személyesen. Ezt akkor a pasák nem engedték meg neki, amit ő kénytelen-kelletlen el is fogadott. Harmadik régenssége során azonban szó sem lehetett arról, hogy meghajoljon bárki akarata előtt. Elveszítette összes fiát, legalább egy lányát is eltemette már, egész életét a birodalomnak áldozta, nem volt hajlandó többé bármiben is kompromisszumot kötni. Gyakorlatilag egyeduralkodóként kívánta irányítani a birodalmat. A divanban pedig aki nem értett vele egyet, azt eltiporta és menesztette. Köszem jogát az uralkodáshoz egyre többen kezdték el vitatni, egyik ilyen divan vita során hangzott el a jól ismert beszéde is. Ekkor Köszem megvádolta a nagyvezír Sofu Ahmed Pasát azzal, hogy meg akarta őt öletni, majd így folytatta: “Istennek hála négy uralkodót segítettem és én magam is hosszú ideig uralkodtam. A világ nem fog sem összeomlani sem megreformálódni a halálommal.”

Köszem azonban nem elégedett meg a pasák megalázásával, tanácsaik el nem fogadásával. Még csak nem is neki tetsző más pasákra cserélte le őket, hanem janicsárokat kezdett vezíri rangra emelni. A janicsárok Köszem első régenssége óta hűséggel szolgálták az asszonyt, amiért az mindenkivel szembe menve 1623-ban hatalmas trónralépési jussot adott a janicsároknak IV. Murad trónralépése után. Bár voltak lázadások és egyet nem értések, alapvetően a janicsárok - de legalábbis néhány hadtestük - hűségesek voltak Köszemhez. A janicsárok képviselete évszázadok óta működött, azonban az, hogy janicsárokat - vagy egyszerűen katonákat - tegyenek vezírré a kitanult államférfiak helyett, több volt a soknál. Mindenki úgy érezte a divanban, hogy Köszem egy katonai uralmat kíván kiépíteni, hogy a neki tetsző módon vezethesse a birodalmat. Így Köszem oldalán 1651-re tulajdonképpen csak a janicsárok néhány hadteste állt politikai értelemben. Bár a nép továbbra is szerette őt bőkezű jótékonykodása miatt, politikai értelemben az ő támogatásuk nem jelentett sokat.

Amellett, hogy a pasákkal egyre nőtt a feszültség, Köszem a háremben is riválisra akadt. Bár a legtöbb forrás tényként kezeli, hogy Köszem és menye, Turhan viszonya tragikus volt, nincs erre utaló bizonyíték. Kettejük viszonya csak az idő előrehaladtával kezdett megromlani, általánosan azonban inkább az mondható el, hogy Köszem egyáltalán nem foglalkozott menyével. Mindenbizonnyal lenézte és nem tartotta sokra Turhant, így komolyan sem vette a nőt. Köszemnek bár megvolt a saját hárem személyzete, a legbefolyásosabb eunuch nem volt a kezében. Mindemellett egyesek szerint szolgálói nagyrésze is méltatlannak találta, ahogy Köszem Turhannal bánt. Talán nem véletlen, hogy oly sok forrás említi a Meleki Hatun nevű szolgálót, aki híresen oldalt váltott és Köszemet elárulva Turhan oldalát kezdte erősíteni.

Turhan Hatice oldala

Turhan Hatice a háremben jobban állt, mint Köszem. Segítséget kapott egy befolyásos eunuchtól, Szulejmán agától. Szulejmán aga volt a hárem agák vezetője, aki nagy hatalommal és kapcsolatrendszerrel rendelkező, ambíciózus eunuch volt, jelentős politikai befolyással. A hárem tulajdonképpen két oldalra szakadt, Köszem és Turhan Hatice támogatóira. Mind a két oldalnak megvolt a saját főeunuchja, ami hatalmas káoszt okozott a háremen belül, az emberek nem tudták, kinek az utasításait kövessék. És bár a valide szultána titulus a szultán anyjaként Turhan Haticét illette meg, a köznyelv csak “kis valide”-ként hivatkozott rá, míg Köszem volt a “nagy valide”. Szulejmán Aga támogatása ugyanakkor aranyat ért. Az eunuch első sorban a saját érdekeit nézte egész élete során, azonban remekül értett ahhoz, hogyan használjon ki és vezessen meg embereket. Épp emiatt felmerül annak a lehetősége is, hogy Szulejmán volt az, aki Turhant felbújtotta és Köszem ellen hangolta. Talán Szulejmán volt az, aki saját felemelkedését remélve a fiatal validétől, meggyőzte arról, hogy vegye el ami a saját jussa. Emellett Szulejmán Aga az ifjú szultánnal is megkedveltette magát, egyfajta apafigurává vált a fiú számára. Természetesen nem célom alábecsülni Turhan szerepét az eseményekben, ugyanakkor úgy érzem, hogy Szulejmán Aga szerepe ténylegesen alábecsült és ezt szeretném mindneképpen érzékeltetni. Nem azt mondom, hogy Turhan egy naíva volt, akit megvezetett a csúf, rossz Szulejmán Aga, csupán azt gondolom, hogy Szulejmán támogatása és felbújtása nélkül, Turhan valószínűleg nem, vagy sokkal később szállt volna szembe Köszemmel.

Szulejmán mellett három másik jelentősebb eunuch is Turhan oldalán állt, Hoca Reyhan Aga, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Aga és Ali Aga. Hoca Reyhan Aga állt legközelebb Turhanhoz, mint társalkodója és vallási vezetője, de Lala Hajji Aga is hosszútávú partner volt Turhan életében. Az eunuchok mellett meg kell említenünk Meleki Hatunt is, akinek legendája jól ismert. Eszerint ő volt az, aki Köszem tervét elárulta Turhannak, ezzel megmentve a kis Mehmed szultánt a haláltól és trónfosztástól. A valóság azonban valószínűleg kevésbé romantikus. Valószínűtlen, hogy egy korábban sosem említett, jelentéktelen szolgáló, mint Meleki tudott volna Köszem terveiről és el tudta volna árulni. Minden bizonnyal Melekit csupán oldalváltása miatt ruházták fel nagyobb szereppel, mint ami valójában volt. Talán Meleki elvállalta, hogy lesz bűnbak, tanúskodik Köszem ellen, ha cserébe javakat kap. Legalábbis tekintettel arra, hogy Meleki milyen hatalmas vagyonra tett szert Köszem halála után, nem zárhatjuk ki ezt az opciót sem. Meleki ha a háremen belül hozott is támogatókat Turhan számára, az egész eseményre meglehetősen kevés ráhatása lehetett. A kulcs figura Turhan mellett Szulejmán aga volt, akinek komoly kapcsolata volt a divánnal is, így könnyedén tudta csapatukhoz kapcsolni a divan Köszemmel elégedetlen tagjait is. A legbefolyásosabb támogató nem volt más, mint a Nagyvezír, Siyavuş Pasa, de gyakorlatilag szinte a teljes divan Köszem ellen fordult eddigre. Azt is meg kell említeni, hogy bár a jancsiárok legtöbb alakulata pártatlan vagy Köszem párti volt, a szpáhik inkább húztak a Turhan támogatói csoport felé.

Mi vezetett a tragikus éjszakához?

Mielőtt a közvetlen okokra rátérnék, kicsit vissza kell ugranunk az időben, hogy jobban megérthessük Köszem viselkedését. Mint ismert, trónfosztása után, I. Ibrahimot a trónon fia, az alig 6 éves Mehmed követte, aki mellett szükség volt egy régensre. Az államférfiak Köszemet kérték fel a megtisztelő feladatra. Ugyanakkor a felkérés meglehetősen furcsa volt. Miért is? A régensi pozíciót általában tanítók, pasák vagy édesanyák látták el, Köszem pedig egyik sem volt. Sőt, Köszem a felkérést először elutasította arra hivatkozva, hogy már nincs ereje tovább uralkodni.

Miért vállalta el Köszem mégis a feladatot? Valóban vissza akart vonulni?

Ahhoz, hogy megértsük Köszem gondolatait, még egy kicsit visszább kell ugranunk az időben. Köszem Ibrahim uralkodása során száműzetésben volt éveken át. Száműzetéséből pedig többször kísérelt meg puccsot saját fia ellen. Egyik száműzetésben írt levele alapján egyértelmű, hogy részese volt a puccsnak, mely végül fiát trónfosztotta. Kifelé azonban egészen más képet mutatott. Miután Ibrahimot elzárták, trónra szerették volna léptetni fiát, Mehmedet. Köszem szultána ekkor találkozott a Topkapi Palotában az államférfiakkal, hogy megvitassa velük mi legyen Ibrahim sorsa. Órákon át tárgyaltak, Köszem azonban végig megtagadta, hogy kiadja Ibrahim legidősebb fiát, Mehmedet. Így pedig nem lehetett őt kikiáltani szultánnak. Az államférfiaknak órákon keresztül kellett nyilvánsoan győzködniük Köszemet. Az a Köszem, aki korábban mindent elkövetett fia trónfosztásáért, most fia mellett állt ki. Miért? Természetesen sosem fogjuk megtudni, hogy Köszem fejében pontosan mi játszódott le. Valószínűnek tűnik azonban, hogy Köszem szerette volna megtartani a katonák és nép előtt a szerető anya képét, melybe nem fért bele saját fiának trónfosztása. Ezért egy álvitát tartott a pasákkal, hogy ne veszítse el a nép szimpátiáját, de ugyanakkor a birodalomnak is jót tegyen. Köszem tapasztalt politikus volt, aki éveken át tudott vezető szerepben maradni, ehhez pedig nélkülözhetetlen volt az imázs is. Így végül Köszem beleegyezésével elzárták Ibrahim szultánt, Mehmedet pedig új szultánjukká kiáltották ki. Talán a régensség első elutasítása is egy ehhez hasonló színjáték része volt. Köszem talán úgy érezte, hogy a nép ezt várja tőle, ezért felajánlotta visszavonulását, miközben talán a háttérben már régen megegyezett a pasákkal.

És a divan tagjai miért hagyták, hogy Köszem legyen a régens? Hiszen a divan tagjai közül akárki vagy akár Mehmed tanítója is jelentkezhetett volna a feladatra. Ez pedig hatalmas befolyást tett volna a férfiak kezébe. Miért engedték hát akkor át ezt a lehetőséget Köszemnek?

I. Ibrahimot 1648. augusztus 18-án kivégezték. Egyesek szerint Köszem szultána beleegyezését adta fia kivégzésébe, ám az sem zárható ki, hogy a kivégzés a háta mögött történt meg. Mint már fentebb említettem a trónfosztott vagy meggyilkolt szultánok édesanyja a tradíció szerint a Régi Palotába vonult vissza, ahol politikamentesen élték hátralévő éveiket. Köszem esetében azonban nem ez történt. Ez felveti annak eshetőségét, hogy Köszem nem tudott Ibrahim kivégzéséről és a pasák ezzel a gesztussal igyekeztek kiengesztelni az összetört nőt. De akkor ki rendelte el Ibrahim kivégzését? Gyakorlatilag bárki megtehette az államférfiak közül, de akár Szulejmán aga vagy Turhan is aláírathatta a fetwa kérvényt a kis szultánnal, melyet aztán a Seyhülislam teljes joggal engedélyezett, hiszen Ibrahim nagyon kártékony volt a birodalomra nézve. Akárhogyan is, Köszem a kivégzés után megváltozott. Vagy azért fordult a pasák ellen - akikkel korábban mindig együttműködő volt -, mert azok átverték őt Ibrahim kivégzésével kapcsolatban; vagy egyszerűen anyai szíve nem bírta elviselni, hogy beleegyezését adta fia kivégzésébe és megbomlott az elméje. Bármelyik verzió is igaz, azt tisztán látjuk, hogy az a Köszem, aki IV. Mehmed mellett régens lett, már nem ugyanaz az ember volt, akit korábban a birodalom imádott anyjának tekintettek.

A gyilkosság

Ahogy a fenti összefoglalásból is kiderül, Köszem egyeduralmat próbált kiépíteni, melyben néhány janicsár hadtesten kívül senki nem támogatta, így hatalmas csapat gyűlt össze ellene. A jól ismert verzió szerint, idővel a viszály Köszem és az államférfiak között odáig fajtult, hogy Turhan Hatice támogatásával az államférfiak megpróbálták Köszemet eltávolítani pozíciójából. Köszem válaszul erre azt tervezte, hogy trónfosztja IV. Mehmed szultánt és helyette másik unokáját ülteti a trónra. Ehhez a janicsárokat be kívánta engedni a palotába, hogy azok az éj leple alatt elvégezzék a puccsot, emiatt nyitva hagyatta éjszakára a hárem bejáratát. Köszem terve azonban ellenségei fülébe jutott, egyesek szerint egy Meleki nevű szolgáló által. Így amint Köszem emberei 1651. szeptember 2-án, kinyitották a kaput, Turhan Hatice emberei, a főeunuch Szulejmán Aga vezetésével bezáratták azt és kivégzőosztagot küldtek Köszem szultána lakrészébe. Mikor emberei Köszem lakrészéhez érve bekopogtak az ajtón, Köszem azt hitte, hogy saját emberei jöttek, ezért kikiabált nekik, hogy “Megjöttetek?”. Erre azonban a janicsárok hangja helyett Köszem az eunuch Szulejmán Aga hangját hallotta meg, amitől bepánikolt és menekülni kezdett. Nem pontosan tudni, hogy hogy jutott ki lakrészéből vagy ki jutott e egyáltalán, mert a leírások nem egyeznek. Egyesek szerint lakrészén belül bújt el egy szekrényben, mások szerint megpróbált kijutni a janicsárokhoz, azonban a zárt kapun keresztül nem tudott, így végül a kapu melletti szobában bújt el. A kivégzőosztag, amely több eunuchból (Szulejmán Aga, Hoca Reyhan Aga, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Aga és Ali Aga, valamint néhány ismeretlen eunuch) állt folytatta a keresést. Köszem egy szekrényben rejtőzött el, melyből ruhájának széle kilógott, ezzel felfedve rejtekhelyét. Amikor megtalálták, kivégzői elé pénzt dobott, ezzel próbálva lefizetni őket, ám esélye sem volt Turhan hű embereivel szemben. A legenda szerint a férfiak próbálták lefogni a validét, miközben füléből kitépték gyémánt fülbevalóit, melyeket Ahmed szultántól kapott; ruháját is megtépkedték, ahogy próbálták leszedni róla az értékes díszeket. Köszem túl a hatvanon is erősen ellenállt kivégzőinek, ám végül felülkerekedtek rajta. Egyesek szerint saját hajával, mások szerint egy függönnyel fojtották meg. Az első fojtogatási kísérlet után még magához tért, a másodikat azonban már nem élte túl.

Van azonban több olyan pont a fenti történetben, ami kétségeket ébreszt:

- Köszem problémája nem Mehmed volt, hanem a pasák, Turhan és Szulejmán Aga. Miért nem tőlük szabadult meg? Nem lett volna egyszerűbb és jogszerűbb meggyilkoltatni ezeket az embereket, mint trónfosztani az egyik gyermek szultánt egy másik gyermek javára? Természetesen megindokolhatjuk annyival a dolgot, hogy Köszem nem volt már épelméjű, így ne is keressünk logikát cselekedeteiben. Ugyanakkor felmerülhet az is, hogy talán Köszem teljesen vagy legalább részben ártatlan volt az egész eseménysorozatban. Elképzelhető, hogy nem tervezett semmit a janicsárokkal, az egész terv csak Turhan és emberei által lett kitalálva, hogy legitimizálják saját tetteiket. Ennek azonban ellent mond, hogy a janicsárok a tragikus éjszakán valóban gyülekezni készültek, az pedig nem valószínű, hogy Turhan és csapata sikerrel vezette meg a janicsárokat úgy, hogy Köszem erről ne szerzett volna tudomást. Lehetséges, hogy Köszem valóban készült egy kisebb puccsra, de az talán nem Mehmed ellen irányult. Köszemnek látnia kellett, hogy a pasák mellett Szulejmán Aga a fő felbújtó Turhan és Mehmed "rebellis" viselkedése mögött. Úgy vélem, Köszem egy kisebb puccsot tervezett, melyben megszabadult volna a neki nem tetsző eunuchoktól, szolgálóktól és ráijesztett volna Mehmedre és Turhanra. Ezzel biztosíthatta volna saját hatalmát és azt, hogy többé se Turhan se Mehmed ne kérdőjelezze őt meg.

- Miért gyilkolták meg Köszemet ilyen furcsa módon? Hiszen a jogszerű, szokásos kivégzési mód kivégző osztag által, Seyhülislami fetwával és selyemzsinórral történt. (Fontos ugyanakkor megjegyezni, hogy a dinasztia nő tagjain nem alkalmaztak korábban kivégzést, a nőket jellemzően száműzetéssel büntették.) Köszemet ezzel szemben képzetlen eunuchokkal, hamis fetwával és a saját hajával vagy egy függönnyel gyilkolták meg. Felmerül a kérdés, hogy talán Köszem kivégzése nem is volt eltervezve. Ha a kivégzés el lett volna tervezve, könnyedén tudtak volna kivégzőket szerezni selyemzsinórral és a fetwa kikérésének körülményei is egyértelműek lennének. Volt természetesen fetwa, de az időbeliséget kissé megzavarja a tény, hogy a régi Seyhülislamot ugyanakkor váltották le Turhan egyik megbízható emberére, mikor a kivégzés zajlott. Épp emiatt, és a kivégzés szokásostól eltérő brutalitása miatt, felmerülhet annak a lehetősége is, hogy talán Köszem kivégzése nem volt eredetileg eltervezve, csupán menet közben csúszott ki az irányítás Turhan kezéből és a pillanat hevében az eunuchok kivégezték Köszemet. Utólag pedig, hogy legalizálják az eseményeket gyártattak egy fetwát az új Seyhülislámmal.

- De akkor ki és miért döntött végül úgy, hogy Köszemnek meg kell halnia? Turhan nem volt jelen az események során, és mivel a gyilkosság nem volt előre eltervezve, őt kihúznám a gyanúsítottak listájáról. Természetesen az nem zárható ki, hogy Szulejmán Agával beszéltek erről az eshetőségről is. Valószínűbb azonban, hogy eredtileg csupán rá akartak ijeszteni Köszemre, megmutatni neki, hogy leleplezték, eljárt felette az idő. Véleményem szerint Turhan azt remélte, hogy Köszem beismeri vereségét és egyszerűen visszavonul a Régi Palotába. Túl kockázatos lett volna megölni egy ennyire tisztelt és szeretett validét, úgy, hogy korábban sosem végezték ki a dinasztia egyik nőtagját sem. Nem vall épelmére szánt szándékkal előrekitervelten, ilyen módon megölni Köszemet. Valószínűleg le akarták mondatni, Köszemnek azonban eddigre már nem volt vesztenivalója. Az egyetlen dolog, ami még éltette az a hatalom volt, így minden bizonnyal ellenkezett a kényszer visszavonulás gondolatától. Mikor Szulejmán Aga felismerte, hogy Köszem nem hallgat rájuk, talán félelemből úgy döntött meg kell őt ölniük. Hiszen ha a felbőszített Köszem kijutott volna a palotából Szulejmán és a többi eunuch azon nyomban fej nélkül találta volna magát. Bár nem utal rá bizonyíték, de személyes véleményem az, hogy Szulejmán talán az első perctől kezdve ezt akarta, hiszen tudta jól, hogy Köszem sosem fog visszavonulni. Akárhogyan is az eunuchok végül professzionálisnak egyáltalán nem mondható módon legyűrték az idős validét és kivégezték.

- Teljesen kizárható, hogy legális fetwa és kivégző osztag végzett Köszemmel? Sajnos ezt sem zárhatjuk ki. Az angol követ például arról számolt be, hogy kivégző osztag ölte meg Köszemet, az ifjú szultán által kért fetwa után, Mehmed szeme láttára. Igaz, hogy az angol követ nem a legjobban informáltak közé tartozott. Valószínű, hogy mindenki úgy hitte akkoriban, hogy a fetwa előre volt kiadva, csak később, a történészek kutatásai világítottak rá arra, hogy a fetwa feltehetőleg Köszem kivégzése után készült el. Azt pedig, hogy Köszemet a 10 éves Mehmed szeme láttára végezték volna ki, nem tartom valószínűnek. Turhan nagyon erősen igyekezett óvni fiát, nem valószínű, hogy kitette volna őt egy ilyen traumának. Mustafa Naima abban egyetért az angol követtel, hogy a kivégzés előre megtervezett volt, ám szerinte nem eunuchok, hanem kivégző osztag végzett a valide szultánával. Azonban akkor miért volt brutális a kivégzés? Miért nem volt selyemzsinór? Miért alkalmatlan eunuchok vitték véghez?

A gyilkosság utóhatása

Hogy megakadályozzanak bármiféle ellenállást, Turhan Hatice és emberei az éjszaka folyamán minden olyan államférfit eltávolítottak posztjáról, aki veszélyeztette volna őket. Az első ember, akit kineveztek akkor éjjel, az Ebu Said Efendi lett, az új Seyhülislam. Ő volt az, aki végül kiadta a fetwát Köszem kivégzésére (utólagosan). Ezekután Turhan megüzente az összes államférfinak és katonának, hogy azonnal menjenek audienciára, ahol hűséget fogadnak Mehmed szultánnak. A legtöbben félelemből vagy őszinte érzések által vezérelve, azonnal a szultán elé járultak, akik pedig nem, azokra az új Seyhülislám fetwat adott ki. Így vált jogszerűvé Köszem támogatóinak kivégzése is, hiszen ők sem jelentek meg a szultán előtt. A lázadó janicsárok pedig így árulóként lettek megbélyegezve és legálisan kivégezték őket. A nép szemében végül ők lettek bűnbaknak kikiáltva Köszem haláláért. Köszemet a gyilkosság után a Régi Palotába szállították, ahol előkészítették testét a temetésre. Birodalmi temetést kapott, Isztambul népe pedig önkéntesen 3 napos gyászt tartott, bezárva minden boltot és üzletet. Köszem mindig népszerű volt az emberek között, ám érdekes módon ugyanaz a nép, nem fordult Turhan ellen Köszem halála miatt, sőt, Turhan hasonlóan szeretett és tisztelt valide szultána lett, mint amilyen Köszem volt.

Mi történt a valódi bűnösökkel? Turhan és Mehmed természetesen megúszták, ugyanakkor kérdéses, hogy a gyilkosságban egyáltalán volt e részük. Igaz egy 1656-os lázadás komolyan megrengette hatalmukat, de végül nem veszítették el azt. A lázadásnak a legnagyobb oka a gyenge nagyvezírek, az újjáéledő Celali lázadás és a velenceiekkel vívott háború voltak. A körülmények miatt nem jutott elég gabona a fővárosba, a katonák nem kaptak rendesen fizetést, de az egyszerű emberek is egyre elégedetlenebbek voltak, különösen dühítette őket a szultánhoz közelállók extrém gazdagsága. Végül a janicsárok és szpáhik vezetésével a nép fellázadt 1656 március negyedikén. A lázadás során a szultánhoz közelállók közül többeket brutálisan kivégeztek, az egész fővárost feldúlták. A csőcselék Mehmed 31 közeli emberét a Kék Mecset mellett akasztotta fel egy egy fára. Köztük volt Meleki Hatun is, akit a szultán különösen szeretett. Bár korábban is rázták meg lázadások a fővárost, ehhez fogható még sosem történt. Nem csak a katonák lázadtak fel, a nép is egy emberként állt ki a katonák mellett és állt be mögéjük. Mindenki bezárta boltjait, általános sztrájk lépett érvénybe a lázadás idejére.

Szulejmán Aga már nem volt hatalmon amikor a lázadás megtörtént és talán ez tartotta helyén a fejét. Szulejmán Köszem meggyilkolása után a fő hárem eunuch lett, ám a pozíciót csupán 1652 júliusáig élvezhette. Szulejmán tovább nyújtózkodott, mint a takarója ért, olyan politikai témákba is igyekezett beleszólni, amihez semmi köze nem volt. Turhan Hatice is kezdte felismerni, hogy Szulejmán egyáltalán nem az ő oldalukon áll, hanem csak a saját magáén. Külön érdekesség, hogy az a Lala Ibrahim Aga győzte meg erről Turhant, aki maga is részt vett Köszem kivégzésében. Lala Ibrahim Aga Turhan személyes eunuchja volt és maga sosem vágyott (vagy bölcsen nem mutatta ki) ennél magasabb pozícióra. Turhan így végül 1652-ben megfosztotta pozíciójától Szulejmán Agát és száműzte Egyiptomba. A rafinált eunuch még a száműzetésben is feltalálta magát, befolyásos személlyé nőtte ki magát, aki Kairó helyi politikájának egyik főszereplője lett. 1676/7-ben halt meg.

Epilógus

Valószínűleg sosem fogjuk pontosan megtudni, hogy mi vezetett a kivégzéshez és hogyan zajlott az le. A poszttal nem is az volt a célom, hogy egy tökéletes megoldást mutassak be Hercule Poirot módjára, csupán szerettem volna rávilágítani arra, hogy az általánosan ismert és elfogadott teória, inkább megszokásból tekintendő a legáltalánosabban elfogadottnak, nem pedig alapossága miatt. Rengeteg a kérdőjel, kétes információ és helyzet a kivégzés körülményei között, ami egyértelműsíti, hogy ez az egész helyzet bonyolultabb volt annál, minthogy két nő harcot vívott a hárem feletti uralomért.

Köszem volt az a szultána, aki a legmagasabbra tört, aki sokáig lehetett a csúcson, azonban a nagy magasságból zuhant végül alá és vált az egyetlen meggyilkolt valide szultánává. Élete során több címet is kapott: Naib-i Sultanat (az Oszmán Birodalom régense), Umin al-Mu'minin (minden muszlimok anyja), Büyük Valide Sultan (nagy valide szultána), Valide-i Sehide (a mártír anya), Valide-i Maktule (a meggyilkolt anya), Valide-i Muazzama (a csodálatos anya).

Felhasznált források: M. Kocaaslan - IV. Mehmed Saltanatında Topkapı Sarayı Haremi: İktidar, Sınırlar ve Mimari; L. Peirce - The Imperial Harem; Ö. Kumrular - Kösem Sultan: iktidar, hırs, entrika; C. Finkel - Osman’s Dream: the History of the Ottoman Empire; M. P. Pedani - Relazioni inedite; N. Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; G. Börekçi - Factions and Favorites at the Courts of Sultan Ahmed I and His Immediate Predecessors; F. Davis - The Palace of Topkapi in Istanbul; Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; F. Suraiya, K. Fleet - The Cambridge History of Turkey 1453-1603; F. Suraiya - The Cambridge History of Turkey, The Later Ottoman Empire, 1603–1839; Ö. Düzbakar - Charitable Women And Their Pious Foundations In The Ottoman; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire, Networks of Power in the Court of the Sultan.

[retroyousei]

Female characters in retro shojo [70s edition, part 1]

Ah, the 1970s (and early 80s), where a majority of the shojo manga stories took place in a distant European country or in America, surrounding either orphan girls from the 19th or early 20th century, who remain cheerful and have adventures, trying to find out who they are, making friends and falling in love, or epic historical stories filled with war, scandals and larger than life characters. If the manga was taking place in Japan, the plot was somehow more down to earth -though most of the time it restrained the same amount of unrealism- and it was either about following the journey of a girl who pursues the career of her dreams and evolves into a notable person, or a high school story filled either with melodrama and angst or a more heartwarming romantic comedy. But in this two-part article I won’t talk about plot tropes of the shojo manga of that era -as this topic deserves an exclusive article-, but about the female characters (I will dedicate an article on male characters some other time). Those characters are very important, as they set the standards of today’s manga and anime. But it should be noted that back then the formula of their design and characteristics are different from today’s. Those are the categories that I’ve noticed, regarding the appearance and personality.

The “average” protagonists

They are the most common category. Usually, they come from middle class and they are presented either as cheerful and a little dense schoolgirls, or plain looking and unrefined, as oppose to their antagonists or rivals who are well educated, beautiful and more talented, but this may serve as a determination for them to improve. Other times they are presented as headstrong heroines, ahead of their time, who refuse to compromise and for this they are a pain to their old-fashion society. Either way, they are kind, good, well-intentioned and want to help the others, that’s why they make friends easily. The thing that really works with these characters and makes them much more interesting than they may seem, is that they are independent and built their future on their own and they never give up, no matter what happens and what someone might say about them. Even when they are not sure of themselves, they always keep trying, until they reach to their dream. They use their obstacles as strength and determination to go on, proving that they are not average at all.

Maya, the protagonist of “Glass Mask” is a great example of this. She starts as a good-for-nothing daughter of a poor family, who isn’t particularly accomplished, but has a hidden passion for acting which she hadn’t realise it herself at that point. But when she is discovered by Tsukigake, a former legendary actress, she realises how much she wants to be an actress to a point that she lied saying that her mother allowed her to study to sensei’s acting school and ran away from home. Not even when her mother told her that she doesn’t consider her as her daughter anymore, she didn’t gave up, in spite of being very hurt by this. Her path towards acting wasn’t easy. Many times she has to face many who say that she doesn’t belong to that industry, or who are jealous of her talent and means her harm, but with her faith in herself, she always overcomes those obstacles. An admirable thing about her is that she dislikes fame, being shy, as she just wants to act and that she does not gives up, no matter what and even when she does, she quickly stands up. The most interesting dynamic of the story is her worthy rivalry with Ayumi, that is clearly a case of the trope “technician vs performer”, with Maya as the performer, as her standard method to learn how to play a character is to become that character. As the story progresses, Maya evolves from a girl with a hidden talent, to a young actress who portraits an original take to classic characters, but who still had much to learn, to one of the greatest actresses of her generation.

In “Yokohama Monogatari”, Uno starts as a plain, poor, orphan girl, who is ignorant about the world, as she hasn’t even seen the sea before and she believed that westerners were vampires who could drink people’s blood, that’s why they had blonde hair and blue eyes. She starts to work as a companion in a rich family to their daughter Mariko, who is the same age as her. Besides their differences, they become quickly best friends. While Mariko is a little spoiled, Uno, despite of her ignorance of world, can be more considerate and responsible in some matters. She also has a lust for learning and soon her and Mariko pursuade her family to go to school. There, she meets many people, among them there are a few foreigners too, she makes a lot of friends, and she excels at all of her studies, being hardworking. As the years passed by, Japan changes and allows exchange of ideas from many cultures -it’s Meiji era we are taking about, that means the last quarter of the 19th century- and Uno evolves from a poor, -many would say- hopeless for her situation, clueless of the world girl, to an open minded, educated and refined woman, surrounded by many people she loves.

In “Tokimeki Tonight”, Ranze -well except of being the daughter of Dracula and warewolf and having her own vampire powers as well- is an average girl who is friendly, sweet and little quirky girl who goes to school and falls in love with Shuun. Some may say that she is pretty basic, but in fact, she knows her self worth well, so even when her parents were disappointed with her not having any power yet, at the beginning of the story, she wasn’t particularly bothered by it. Also she is very headstrong that she falls in love with a human boy, while she knows well that a creature from the demon world and a human cannot be together. But in spite of all of that, she decides to stay true to her own feelings and even though she’s not so sure about Shuun’s feelings for her either, she doesn’t give up and waits for him, because she hopes and deep down knows that he likes her too and she is right. And even when her parents want her to marry prince Aaron of the demon world and even the king- learn that she likes a human, in spite of that being against the rules, she isn’t afraid to stand up for her beliefs. Later though, we learn that Shuun is the lost prince of the demon world, so he is not a human after all, but that’s another story.

In “Aim For The Ace”, Hiromi is a typical schoolgirl who struggles to get better in tennis, when she gets selected as one of the club’s main players in school by the new coach, as he saw potential in her. Some of her seniors are jealous of her because of that and at first she thinks that she is not worth such a discrimination, but soon she improves and realises how much she loves tennis. There’s also a very similar rivalry dynamic with “glass mask” between Hiromi and Reika who grow to be worthy opponents.

In “Haikara San Ga Toru”, Benio is a headstrong young woman who studies Kendo, drinks sake and prefers reading literature and feminist ideas, rather than being interested in housework. She also likes to dress in western clothes, rather than the traditional kimono and strongly believes that women should have the right to decide for their future on their own and they should marry for love. But her world turns upside down when her father announces that he has arranged a marriage for her. The one that he indends for her is someone she knew before, very briefly and accidentally, a lieutenant named Shinobu. Of course, she refuses, being loyal to her ideals and she goes out of her way to avoid him, just to satisfy her pride, in spite of actually starting developing feelings for him. When she moves to his grandparents’ house to get prepared as his wife, she purposely fails in all of her duties as a housewife and constantly argues with his grandparents, but all of that only makes Shinobu fall for her even more. It’s only when he leaves to go to the war, when she realises her feelings for him and during at that time when everyone thought that he was dead, she matured and became even stronger, remaining loyal to him and determined to work as a journalist to support his family, but also tracking him down, hoping that he’s still alive. Of course, at the very end, they live happily ever after together. Benio’s character development is admirable; starting as a clever, but headstrong girl, to an independent and wise woman, proving that you don’t have to disagree with everyone in order to prove that you are the one who chooses how to live your own life.

The villains

Their extreme pride and vain is their common nature. Most of the times they come from a wealthy family, so they are either oujo-sans who are always dressed elegantly, are seemingly refined and they tend to have curly, blonde hair -as blonde hair seem to be associated with wealth and sophistication in Japan-, or they are just spoiled brats that demand that everyone will do as they say. They are the main antagonist of the story for different reasons. The most common one is that they are jealous of the heroine, either because they are their love rivals and they are jealous of the heroine’s relationship with the love interest of the story, or because they are just pathologically jealous of the heroine because of her looks, her happiness, her luck and her loving nature. Another reason they act the way they do is because they want power and success, or they just want to secure all of that. The worse and least complex reason of all is that they are just mean for no particular reason.

Eliza, from “Candy Candy” is the typical alpha b*tch who is pathologically jealous of Candy. At first, she along with her brother, makes her life miserable, by blaming her for the bad things they do, such as hurting the horses in the stables, provoking her and then telling to their mother that she’s wild and leaving her alone in a town she doesn’t know and locking her in dark rooms. After that, during their time in London, Eliza says to everyone that Candy is an orphan who made her life miserable, even blaming her for Antony’s death. Later, having the habit of falling in love with the one that Candy likes too, school, she falls for Terry and constantly tries to turn him against her, failing miserably. She also writes a fake letter to her that it was supposedly from Terry and to Terry too, to meet each other in the stables at night and with this, she blabs them to the teachers and Candy, having no choice, leaves school. Later, when Candy was pursuing a career as a nurse, she continues her cruel ways and her mother also threats the director of the hospital where she was working, that if they won’t fire her, the Leagan family will withdraw their funds for the hospital and she also made sure that no hospital from Chicago will hire her, leaving Candy in a difficult situation. Those are only of few of the things that Leagan family did to Candy. The worst part is that they don’t pay for what they did at the end.

Fukiko from “Oniisama e” fits well this image; She is a refined lady from a rich family, the president of the sorority and very educated, that’s why she is admired by everyone. However, in reality she is manipulative, proud and very possessive. She wants to control everyone and she’s even willing to go out of her way to achieve what she wants. For instanse, she’s jealous of Nanako because she is close to Henmi Takehito, the one that she (Fukiko) is in love with, so to control her, she chooses her to be a member of the sorority and demands that she will stay away from him, even by pulling her into the lake and attempt to drown her . She also makes Rei’s life miserable, by stepping into her weakness, refuse to accept her as a member of their family and constantly manipulating her with the cruelest of ways. Also, it’s revealed that her friends from the sorority are feeling pressured because of her. Later, with the death of Rei, along with her realisation that Henmi and Kaoru No Kimi are truly in love, surprisingly, she regrets, gives up on her cruel ways and matures, growing even more beautiful for all of that.

Yoko from “Tokimeki Tonight” is a different case. She is the love rival of the story and the have loved Shuun ever since they were little. Being the only daughter of a rich businessman, she is spoiled and when something doesn’t go as she wants, she is is angry and demands that everything will go the way she wants. She envies Ranze for her close relationship with Makabe and ever since she accidentally saw her transforming, she tried desperately to prove others that she (Ranze) is a vampire. Her character is less dramatic and more comedic, as she is often grumpy and clumsy. But she isn’t really a bad person and she doesn’t really cause an awful lot of trouble.

In “The Rose of Versailles”, Madam Du Barry, the king’s mistress, wants to sustain her place in the court and demands that Marie Antoinette, who was at that time the dauphine, will speak to her. She also have tried to poison one of the court ladies. Countess De polignag becomes the queen’s best friend, for her own benefits and manipulates her without her (Marie Antoinette) knowing, like telling her to lie about being pregnant and also persuade her to start gambling in the court, which was illegal. She’s also Rosalie’s biological mother and accidentally kills the woman which raised her daughter and she’s the reason that her other daughter suicides, because she cannot handle the marriage the she arranged for her. Besides of her daughter’s death, she doesn’t seem to regret for any of her actions as she tries to make Rosalie merry the same man. Luckily Rosalie escapes. Also, she tried to sabotage Oscar many times and all this was just for the sake of power and money.

In “Glass Mask”, Norie Otobe, befriends Maya and she is supposedly her assistant, but in reality she just waits for the right moment to strike and steal Maya’s role and career. Unfortunately, she succeeds and it costs a lot for Maya, for a while. Luckily Ayumi discovers this and punishes her with the best way ever.

The tomboys

They are either mysterious, or lively, but one thing is for sure; they are dressed in clothes that are considered to be “manly”, they are handsome and they are constantly mistaken for a boy. They are also very elegant and educated and their image is that of a prince. That’s why they are admired by both women and men. Some may say that even though they are trying to be like a man, they are still weak, but they point out that just because they dress more “tomboyish”, doesn’t mean that it makes them less of a woman. After all, when they want to, they can transform into the most feminine girl of all. They also prove that their sexuality is not associated with their looks, as a “masculine” girl has the same possibilities of being heterosexual or homosexual, with a more “feminine” one. So, they break all the stereotypes regarding women. Many times, they are portrayed as headstrong heroines who stand up for their beliefs and their friends.

The most famous character that supports this image is Oscar from “the Rose of Versailles”. Oscar is one of the daughters of the Jerjeyes household. Not having any son, her father decided to raise her as a boy so that one day she will succeed him. Oscar dresses in boys’ clothes and learns activities like fencing and archery. When she was fourteen, she was tasked to serve as Marie Antoinette’s bodyguard. The manga often pointed out how different those two were regarding appearance and character, even if they were in the same age. Oscar has a strong sense of justice and she always protects the weak and is not afraid to challenge someone that she believes that isn’t right. Of course, she is admired by men and women alike and she is also a great and loyal friend. At one point she falls in love with Fersen, who loves Marie Antoinette. But because of her respect for the queen and her love of Fersen, she helps them, despite being heartbroken. At the end, she realises that she loves her childhood friend, Andre. She loves medieval combat, drinking heavy drinks, talking about politics and playing violin. Many pointed out that being a woman she was weaker but she always proved them wrong, pointing out that women can do anything and that it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, only how skilful you are. She was hiding her femininity not because she wanted to be a man, but because that if she acted like a woman, the society might think that she was weak and she wouldn’t be able to have the access and the freedom to do what women normally wouldn’t do back then, because women were alowed to limited things. In the early 1970s, by the time this manga was ongoing, the second wave of feminism had already started and women started fighting for equal legal and social rights, so Oscar’s character was influenced by all this.

Rei from “Oniisama e”, is admired by her fellow classmates and is also called “saint Juste”, named after one of the leaders from French Revolution, due to her physical resemblance to him. She is very charismatic, excelling to sports, piano, guitar and theatre, she is very elegant and dresses often in a black suit. Unfortunately she is drug-addict, she smokes and can be suicidal, carrying always pills and a sharp object with her. She is also obsessed with Fukiko, the sorority’s president, for many reasons, causing her to be controlled and abused by her. She also lives alone in a depressing house filled with mirrors and this also causes to be depressed. Her best friend is Kaoru no Kimi, who’s also a tomboy, but they are entirely different and she befriends Nanako and her friends. In the end she suicides, taking too many sleeping pills, having everyone, especially Nanako, left devastated.

Also from “Oniisama e”, Kaoru, is a tomboy who is strong and energetic. She is athletic and excels at basketball, but she is also very cool and doesn’t seem to care that she is the best at something that she’s doing, that’s why she is admired by her fellow classmates who gave her the nickname “Kaoru no Kimi”, from a Japanese classical novel; “the tale of Genji”. She also has a great sense of justice, as when she sees classmates being bullied, she defends them and put the bullies on their place. She is also very loyal and supportive and cares deeply about her friends, helping them when they are in need, especially her best friend, Rei, for whom she is very concerned. But in spite of her energetic appearance, she suffers from breast cancer and tries to keep it a secret, pretending that she is healthy and that everything is under control. But in fact, she pushes away her beloved, Henmi Takehito, concealing her true feelings, in order for him to be happy without her and not suffer anymore, showing how selfless she is and how much she loves him to a point of sacrificing her own feelings. At the end, it pays off and they end up together, living happily.

Another honourable mention is Rei, from “Glass Mask”. Rei is the older student of Tsukikage sensei’s company and one of Maya’s best friends. She is a tomboy who wears those characteristic 70s jeans and for some reason is mistaken by a boy -much to her dislike-, despite of being obvious that she is a girl. Being an actress, she can transform into a beautiful princess in no time, but she also portraits very well a prince. In the first volumes, she portrayed Jo, from “little women” which was a role very suited for her. As a sister figure for Maya, she is loyal, friendly and the responsible one who helps the theatre company stay organised and is a very strict teacher to Maya, helping her because she knows her potential. Also from “Glass Mask”, Keiko from the “Ikkakuju group” is also mistaken as boy, but she can transform into a pretty princess in no time.

Note: At the first half of the 20th century “Little Women” were very popular in Japan, particularly Jo, who was tomboyish and outspoken and her character had inspired the first female mangakas of the 60s for their stories and characters.

[sillyguyhotline]

How YTTD Challenges Conventional Norms of Emotional Strength

Hello! I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how emotional vulnerability is present throughout YTTD’s characters, particularly how Nankidai contrasts more feminine coping mechanisms with more traditionally masculine coping mechanisms. I’ve touched on this topic before (albeit less directly) when I’ve discussed why I think Nao and Kanna are criminally underrated by the fandom, but I’ve never really talked about it in detail. However, when I was talking about the misogyny in Danganronpa last night, there was always a thought in the back of my mind that YTTD was different, fundamentally better in its portrayal of female characters and femininity as a whole. And as I thought about it more, I realized that the reason I think this way is because of how well it portrays and handles emotional vulnerability of its characters.

I think, first, that it’s most important to establish how emotional vulnerability in the context of gender is most commonly portrayed. Men are typically not allowed to show emotion or to cry, and their strength is determined by their lack of emotion. Conversely, the perception that women are the weaker gender is often characterized by their increased freedom to show emotion, and any “strong female character” is simply an excessively masculine woman who’s cruel and emotionless. In fact, the version of Reko we see as a doll, the Reko before Alice’s death, is actually a perfect example of the common “strong female character.” She barely cares about her brother, she’s rude, she exhibits little to no compassion, and she lashes out at the people around her. But this is not the Reko we know and love, and in fact it is the Reko whose cruelty is exhibited by her willingness to kill a version of herself. She isn’t introduced as a good character, she’s introduced as the person Reko no longer is, the person Reko has grown past, and that is a good thing.

I also find it very interesting that the two men who are physically the strongest (Keiji and Q-taro) and who assert themselves as the most masculine leaders from the beginning actually turn out to be some of the most weak and cowardly characters in the game. Q-taro has a lot of confidence in himself and his abilities; in Russian Roulette he is proud and boastful, claiming that he is strong and experienced enough to shoot the gun. However, in the first Main Game he is scared enough of dying that he nominates the children to be killed off so he doesn’t die, he has an ending where his cowardice gets the best of him and he sacrifices everyone else in order to escape, and in one of the endings to the arbitration room attraction he is too scared to push the button. His character arc doesn’t come about because he becomes stronger or more resilient, it comes about because he realizes that his life is not the only valuable one and that compassion to the rest of the group is crucial. Keiji, too, suffers from incredible emotional weakness. Though he is incredibly muscular and centers himself as one of the group’s leaders immediately, one of his biggest flaws is his inability to deal with his own emotions. Though he’s aware of how atrocious his actions have been, he’s far more willing to hide from his problems, avoid confrontation, and take advantage of his selfishness than he is to actually make steps towards change. And this undoubtedly a flaw of his! 

Then, on the other hand, you take the third “buff” character, but the one who doesn’t immediately aim to set himself up as a strong leader. While Keiji’s first goal is to take charge of the group and Q-taro’s first goal is to establish himself as the strong one, Alice is immediately set up as a coward. Sure, when we first meet him in the locker he’s sort of intimidating, but as soon as we interview him we realize that he’s sort of an idiot and doesn’t pose much of a threat. The interesting thing, though, is that Alice is really the most emotionally mature out of all of the buff men in the game. Like Keiji, he has committed a terrible crime and has come to terms with the consequences for what he’s done, but unlike Keiji, he’s willing to take actions and make reparations. He lets himself be a more compassionate person, becoming a protector over Kanna of sorts, and he never prioritizes his own well-being over that of the people he cares for. He is a fully-fledged, unapologetically emotional character who doesn’t try to bury his problems in the hopes that they won’t come back to haunt him. Out of all of the “strong” male characters, his approach to his issues is a rather feminine one, but it ends up being the one that cements him as a better person than the others.

Now, I set this up while talking about Keiji’s lack of emotional vulnerability, but I believe that one of the biggest components playing into it is how trust is such a huge factor in the game. And this begins to involve Shin, too. It becomes clear throughout the course of the game that one of the only reasons Sara has made it this far is because she harbors the ability to put her trust in others and because they put their trust in her. We see, then, that Shin becomes an enemy to the group because he refuses to trust any of them and mocks all of them for being so willing to trust the others. Our biggest point of contention with Keiji, as well, is when he refuses to share his Me-Tokens with us out of fear that we could learn something about his backstory. Both men have terrible experiences with vulnerability, and they loathe the prospect of putting their trust into anyone else for fear of what could happen with it. However… the game sets this up as a very bad thing. Lack of vulnerability turns Shin into a villain, and the only way that he manages to redeem himself is by utilizing his compassion for Kanna and sacrificing himself. Keiji, similarly, loses his credibility as a person because he refuses to be vulnerable, and his distrust of himself and avoidance of his problems are what make Midori’s attacks hit so hard in 3-1A. Our villain characters exist because they cannot trust anyone, because they cannot be vulnerable, and in the same way we see Sara turning into a villain as she loses her trust in the rest of the group.

To tie this all together, I think that this is why Nao and Kanna are undoubtedly the strongest characters in the game- because they are female characters who are allowed to show emotion, because they are allowed to show their trauma, and they’re allowed to grow past that. When we’re introduced to Nao, she’s already someone who appears very weak in a feminine sense, panicking and freaking out in response to the situation. Kanna is the same; her sister is dead, and this has left her as a weeping, emotional mess. Nao’s condition only gets worse as the game goes on; she loses the mentor who’s most important to her, and in a blind panic she ends up causing a lot of harm and concern to her fellow participants. In any other game, this would probably have been where the characters of these two would have stopped, or even how they would have ended. They’re women, they’re not supposed to be strong, they already have weak and emotional coping mechanisms for their problems. However, Nankidai lets the two of them grow past this point while still letting them retain their more emotional components. Nao lets herself retain her memory and affection for Mishima, but she makes the conscious decision to abandon the AI and work with Shin to combat the evil one. Kanna retains her friendship with Shin, but she does so carefully, displaying enough kindness to him to make him change his heart. Even when she tearfully pleads for Sara to let her die, it comes from a point of what she considers emotional wisdom and her own evaluation of her usefulness to the group. If she’s left alive, her character comes full-circle and she realizes that she does, in fact, have value to the group, which gives her the will to live on. Both of these women have well-developed character arcs that allow them to feel vulnerability and emotion. They become stronger and wiser people without fundamentally changing who they are, and their femininity doesn’t have to be compromised or belittled for them to become better people. Though they are physically the weakest characters and have some of the biggest low points of the game, they are in fact well-developed and emotionally mature. Their vulnerability is what gives them this opportunity, and it truly wraps together how well Nankidai portrays femininity and vulnerability in his story. 

[multicarinata]

genuinely these are all so good within this beautiful fiction :-) choosing 2 think it was a slightly real metaphor and then when he redoubled listening to flint afterwards it just respawned from the ether

LOVED THE SHOW SO MUCHHHHHHH a couple post-ending thoughts below readmore 💆‍♂️

s4 did the best it could with wrapping the plot into the events of actual history, but the pervasiveness of "this is the only way things could have gone" made it a lot more predictable and less fun . it Also was intriguing in that every single thing in it was motivated by character relationships rather than external events even the spain part... appreciated that the end of s3 was a clear demarcation for "you can stop watching here and imagine things diverged from the real world"

if anything s4 was about regret & that was a wild direction change from s3 being about narratives. but its continuation of the same thread of narrative became my favorite part! guys who resist having a story who are also guys who are buried so deep in the story that they now direct it... I mentioned silver had "converse scheherazade swag" in like. he was literally telling a story in which he had a happy ending to give the guy he accidentally became a happy ending too. kind of. HONESTLY i loved the subjectivity of that ending also just being his word of mouth and the idea that flint actually did just get killed in that forest :-)

it also kind of was like "okay no one has agency anymore" on a broad scale, but that Did hit the women worst of all. the cardinal sin of deadwife manpain :( the show used its one allowance for that w miranda it just sucked to watch after, as if the kind of "historical accuracy" that is actually just violence had insinuated itself by the act of trying 2 bring things in line with the violence imposed by making it real-world. i did really like the direction they took eleanor in given her background and views it was salient...

i thought de groot himself was really underutilized he'd been so relevant in s1 as a #flinthater and it was important that he (allegedly) got maimed and continued to be w flint after, you'd Think he would've had anything to say about that before being irrelevant and dying! ALTHOUGH I hold that the same thing happening to dufresne was one of the best minor character arcs (guy who's humiliated and discovers he can transcend it through cruelty is immediately humiliated more putting him in a situation where all he knows how to do is perpetuate the same)

same topic, bothers me a lot that hands (or actually Any character) never had a reaction to teach's death like?? at least it was important to jack the most Hysterical moment of the show was that american asking if he knew blackbeard. I would've imploded on the spot

one of my fondest memories of s1 is saying "this is exactly like haruspex day 11" during vane's little forest quest and being so happy when it actually was exactly like haruspex day 11 <333 vane was kind of stunning in how well the writers could manage the viewer's perception of him and make him sympathetic after All That in s1 and by GOD they managed the same thing for every character in the show. on the whole it was extremely patho1esque just in terms of everyone being in conflict wrt motives and goals

what was the aim of including the american guy from s3 it felt like it really diminished the points it was trying to make by having this slaver join the protagonists unquestioned. should have killed him fr

NOT EVEN GETTING INTO anything more coherent about s1 and s2 they are two of the best seasons of a show ever put to television. my god. the unrelenting lack of compromise w the system it made SUCHHHHH good points it's a shame they kind of ran out of things to say about flint b/c he's maybe the number one guy of all time. besides silver who's the number one PROBLEMS guy of all time. ughhhh. I love a show

and last addendum oh my god the one thing abt the finale that really got me was the ship's cook. the cycles. the endlessness

finished black sails lately and you're the only person I follow who posts about it so I gotta ask a burning s4 question. did mr. de groot regrow his ear or what

oh man hahaha I didn't even notice that one! the blog i reference most for black sails is @/starbuck so if that anon box is open i'm sure you'd get a fully serious answer there

easy answer: stole one from somebody else and sewed it on because the ear shape is all about the amplification, the hearing happens inside the head!

medium answer: he was acting the entire time and had his real ear hidden under a skull cap

hard answer: he didn't actually lose his ear, it was a metaphor for regretting listening to Flint and so because it didn't literally happen it's back when we return to the realworld space