#which i appreciate but im just not ready to put myself out there yet :(

[butchcharliee]

.

[hockeyboysimagines]

F*ck me like I’m famous

Chapter 4

Warnings: Sex, implied sex, talks of sex, alcohol, language.

Hello friends! Here is chapter 4. Sorry for the delay. As I said in the chapter I just posted for Sway I’ve had a ton going on. Hope this is worth the wait!

Enjoy🤍

“Hey Josie.” Vince called from his living room “Are you ready? We have to leave like…10 minutes ago.”

“Yeah I’m coming!” She called.

“You did that last night already!”

“Vince!” She yelled from the bathroom.

He giggled and stuffed his feet into shoes, grabbing his keys from the table next to the door. He was having the time of his life.

She had made good on the phone sex and dirty texting multiple times over last night, until the early hours, which was part of why they were running late today. He also might have caused a distraction in the shower, but that was a minor detail.

He had some autograph signing thing that would kickstart the celebrations for the week, and he was planning to meet up with friends for drinks later on. He was so excited to show her off to everyone, if they ever got there.

He heard her shuffling and then coming down the steps and turned the corner.

He paused and smiled “Damn.” He said giving her an appreciative once over “You look hot.”

“Really?!” She asked brightly, glancing down at her dress “It’s not too dressy or boring?”

It was pale green, falling mid thigh, with a floral pattern on it, paired with black wedges. Her long hair was loose and wavy, and he almost considered taking her right back upstairs. But then he remembered this week was not only about him, but the community as well.

“Not at all. Oof. You’re in for it later.”

She blushed and waved him off, taking his extended hand and they made their way to the car. The sun was shining down on them, a beautiful perfect day to start a beautiful perfect week.

“Where are we going exactly?” She asked from the passenger seat, turning to put her purse in the back. He smiled a little at how comfortable and natural she looked in his passenger seat before he answered.

“I have an autograph signing.” He said, turning the key in the ignition and backing out of his driveway.

“Ooooooh. An autograph signing? Fancy.” She said side eyeing him “How many body parts do you think you’ll sign?”

He rolled his eyes and nudged his chin at her “I can think of one I’d like to sign later.”

“No I don’t think so. The pen is way too big.”

He burst out laughing and shook his head “Okay you win. So how was your first official day in Canada?”

“It was good. I spent most of it with this hot guy.”

“And how was your first official night in Canada?”

“Average.”

He gasped and reached over grabbing her thigh and squeezing it. She screamed and slapped his arm “I’m kidding! I’m kidding sheesh.”

“Okay so let’s try that again.”

“My first official night in Canada was amazing.”

“Better. Just means I’m gonna have to one up myself tonight.”

She chuckled and watched the Canadian countryside zoom past outside. She was having so much fun and it hadn’t even been 24 hours yet. Being here, although in a country she’d never been to with people she didn’t know, felt so normal, like she’d been here before. She wasn’t nervous, or awkward or anything like that. She felt at peace.

It was so nice.

“So when does the cup actually get here?”

“Friday. That’s when the fun begins.” He waggled his eyebrows “And there’s a ton happening that day. Are you excited?”

“Me? Are you excited? It’s your big day.”

Josie didn’t know Vince when he won the cup. She hadn’t seen the game, watched the moment, or even knew anything about how he and the team had gotten to that point. But what she did know was that if anyone deserved this week, it was him.

“Of course im excited, but i want you to be having fun too.”

“I’m just happy to be here and watch you do your thing.” She said, smiling widely and reaching forward to squeeze his hand.

Josie spent most of the signing hanging out behind him with his mom. She’d been friendly the day before, but she could tell her guard had been up and with good reason. Vince was a highly successful professional athlete, who had a lot at stake in life. She didn’t blame his mom for being wary at first.

But now she had truly warmed up and they were talking and laughing like old friends.

“What are you telling her back there, because whatever it is you can be sure it’s a lie.” He called over his shoulder.

“Most of it sounds pretty on brand.” Josie said smiling at him “So I’m inclined to believe her.”

He made a face and turned back around, but the thought of her being close with his mom brought a small smile to his face that stayed there the rest of the afternoon.

As the line wound down, and the last few pictures had been taken Vince turned to her and waved her forward. When she reached him he gestured to a lady he’d been talking with.

“Josie, this is my mom’s friend, Sheri.”

Josie reached forward to shake her extended hand “Hello. Nice to meet you.”

“And this is your-?” Sheri asked, looked at Vince expectantly as she let go of Josie’s hand.

“This is my girlfriend.” He said simply with a smile, hand on the small of her back as he gave her a gentle push forward so she could shake the woman hand.

Girlfriend.

GIRLFRIEND.

The word made Josie want to jump for joy, scream, ugly cry and kiss his socks right off but then she remembered they were in public so she just smiled, feeling a redness come to her cheeks. They chatted with for a minute when Vince’s mom called her name and Sheri walked away.

Josie turned slowly to look at him “Girlfriend?” She asked quietly.

“Is that okay? I didn’t really know what else to call this.” He gave a small laugh.

“I mean-yeah. It’s okay.”

“I really wanna kiss you, but we’ve already been on the cover of one newspaper.”

She giggled and smiled at him “You can make it up to me later.” She waggled her eyebrows and he gave her waist a small squeeze.

**********

“So you’re here with Vince?”

Josie turned to find a dark haired girl standing next to her and frowned a little, leaning away from her.

The day had gone great. Better than great. She’d had so much fun watching him do his thing and interact with members of his community. She’d also really enjoyed being introduced as his girlfriend.

They’d met up with a few friends of his that she hadn’t met yet for drinks at what Vince called “The best bar in Lindsey” and it was still great.

“Uh, yeah?” She looked across the bar at Vince, but he was absorbed in a conversation and didn’t seem to notice. She looked back at the girl who was staring at her, one hand braced on the bar top.

“You must be his new fling of the week.” She said off handedly, glancing at her and then over her shoulder where he was standing.

Josie felt a twinge of annoyance. She wasn’t a confrontational person, and the last thing she wanted to do was cause a scene in front of his friends in a country she was visiting, but she wanted nothing more than to back hand her. The smug smile on her face had sparked an irrational rage that Josie wasn’t sure she’d even had in her before today.

“What are you talking about?” The question came out more rude than she’d anticipated but it didn’t seem to phase whatever her name was.

“This week it’s you, last week it was someone else, and next week it’ll be- hi Vince.”

Josie looked behind her to find Vince was there, frowning at the girl she was about to beat up.

“I was just talking to your new girlfriend of the week here and I-“

“Yeah well stop talking to her.” He turned Josie abruptly, and steered her across the room and out the front door of the bar.

She waited until they were some feet away until she said very quietly “Who was that?”

“Just a girl I know is all.”

She stopped walking, which caused him to stop and she crossed her arms, head turned to the side “Wanna try that again? But with an actual answer this time.”

He sighed “I hung out with her one time at a party last summer. Nothing happened, she wanted more and I just didn’t see her that way and she’s been dragging my name through the mud since then. She does this every time she sees me out with anyone.”

“I see. She said there was another me last week? Is that true?”

Vince’s mouth fell open and he looked back at the bar in outrage before he turned back to her “She said that? Josie I swear, I haven’t been with anyone else since I met you. I can’t believe-“

“If you have been it’s okay. I wasn’t your girlfriend so I can’t really get mad.”

It was true. She hadn’t been his girlfriend last week so he was able to do whatever he wanted. But it didn’t mean it would hurt any less if he had.

“I swear to you. I am not talking or hooking up with anyone else. And fuck her for saying that to you.” He gripped her hand “You believe me right?”

She stared at him for a few minutes. She did, she didn’t think he’d fly her out here if he was hooking up with girls at home, but her guard with him was up a little for the first time. It had definitely brought down her mood, and made her feel a little bit weird about the whole thing.

“Josie?”

“I-I believe you. But why would she say that?”

“You don’t believe me I can see it all over your face. She’s jealous obviously.”

“Jealous of who? Me?”

He rolled his eyes “Of COURSE she’s jealous of you. Your beautiful and smart, and your here with me and she isn’t.”

She shrugged and looked at his hand, which was still holding hers. He gave it a squeeze.

“I promise you. There’s no one else.”

Josie pursed her lips and looked at him “Okay. I believe you.”

He glanced over her head and then around the street. It was empty and then he smiled.

“Come on.”

“Where are we going?” She asked as he tugged her along by the hand.

“You’ll see.”

Before she even knew what was going on they were tangled up in the driver seat, attached at the lips.

“Oh my god this is so risky.” Josie breathed out as Vince stuffed his hands underneath her shirt, hands sending goosebumps across her skin.

The car was cold, but they had fogged the windows up in less than two minutes. Their make out in the bar had now spilled into the front seat of the car.

“Shhh it’s fine just kiss me.” He said quietly, pulling her down to his level and pushing his tongue in her mouth. He had a hand on either side of her hips, fingers brushing her bare legs until he had her skirt pushed completely up.

He reached down, fumbling around on the side of the seat looking for the lever to move the seat back, and finally found it, yanking on it a little too hard because it sent both of them flying backwards with a squeal, followed by laughter.

“Jesus Christ.” He mumbled against her neck pulling on it again and lurching them forward. Josie was crying with laughter until he gave a large push and they flew forward, Vince’s elbow hitting the steering wheel, horn blaring.

They both jumped expecting it to stop but it didn’t.

“What the fuck?!” He looked around her, smacking the horn several times, the loud sound cutting through the night. Josie felt her face burn for the amount of embarrassment she was about to feel when someone came over to investigate why the horn in the car was sticking, and found them both in the drivers seat, half dressed.

He finally punched it and it stopped, and he glanced up at her before resting his forehead against her chest.

“This just isn’t meant to be.” He picked up his phone and checked the time “But I can have us home in 10 minutes.”

*********

The rest of the week in Lindsay passed by slow enough to enjoy it, but too fast for it to be over. Every morning she woke up she got a little more sad. She was having so much fun and by Thursday evening she only had 3 days left and it had begun to weigh on her. She never wanted this trip to end, and as it inched closer to Sunday she was reminded that she would be going home alone.

“What’s wrong?” Vince asked as she plugged in her phone and laid next to him.

She glanced up “What? Oh nothing.”

“Liar.”

She rolled her eyes and sighed “Nothings wrong. Just bummed that I have to go back to St.Louis soon is all.”

“Yeah.” He nodded and sighed “Me too. But let’s just enjoy our last three days together, and then we’ll go from there.”

She frowned “What’s that mean?”

He pursed his lips and turned on his side to face her “Well. I was going to suggest maybe we take a trip, a vacation if you wanna call it that, before camp starts in September. If you can get off of work and everything.”

“A trip? Where?”

“To a place where all you have to wear is a bikini.”

“Vince!”

“What?” He said innocently, letting one hand trail up her bare leg “Can’t a guy have dirty thoughts about his girl in a bathing suit.”

A slow smile spread across her face until it was so wide her face might crack “What did you call me?”

“My girl.”

She wanted to kick her feet and squeal “I like that. Being your girl.” She ran her fingers through his hair, nails scratching his scalp. He leaned up to move his lips across her jaw until he reached her mouth, hand traveling up her thigh to the band of her underwear on her inner leg.

He was slotted between her legs, pelvis grinding up against hers as he kissed her slowly. He floated a hand up her shirt, resting it on her waist.

Before she knew it her shirt was gone and he was unhooking her bra big hands roaming everywhere. Every nerve ending in her body was a live wire, as his lips left hers and moved down her jaw towards her neck. She tugged at his shirt, prompting him to reach behind his head and pull it off in one quick movement.

She marveled at him as he hovered above her. Everything about Vince was thick, broad and muscled. Her hands roamed from his lower back up to his chest, scratching her fingernails across his skin. His mouth crushed hers, hurriedly kicking his boxers down his legs and tossing them aside.

She was shaking underneath him, cheeks red, goosebumps across her skin as she took a page breath in, the bones of her ribcage rippling underneath her skin. He stopped for a minute to really look at her.

“Goddamn your beautiful.” He whispered, eyes never leaving hers. Her blush deepened but she just pulled him back down by the chain to kiss him. Slower this time, her fingers moving down his back, nails scratching his skin, causing him to shiver. He sat back, hooking a finger on either side of her underwear and pulled them down her legs, leaning back over her and pushed a finger inside her causing her to gasp.

“That’s the prettiest noise I’ve ever heard.” He pushed another finger inside, moving them in and out, hooking them ever so slightly as he kissed her. She gripped the sheets, balling her hands into fists.

His lips brushed over her neck, eyes flicking up to meet hers as he pulled his fingers out, moving up her body and bracing himself between her legs.

“Tell me what you want.” She reached down, guiding him towards her. His head tipped down, stray hair falling into his eyes. She pushed it out of the way and bucked her hips up to meet his. She closed her eyes dreamily as he slowly pushed inside her, body arching up to meet his. He was so big, so broad as he moved above her, finding her mouth and kissing her slowly, methodically.

Vince splayed a hand across her ribcage and pulled her right leg up over his hip, lifting her clear off the bed. She let out a moan as he pushed deeper than before, hitting a new spot that had never been hit before.

“Vince I-“

He let out a breath, abdominal muscles tightening as he pushed faster, leaning down to kiss her desperately as he did. Her heart felt like it was about to explode out of her chest as a crippling, toe curling orgasm made its way through her body, sending shockwaves from her head to her feet, her entire body flooding with heat. She felt like she couldn’t breath as Vince gave his last few pushes with a groan and leaned down, head resting in her neck. His breath tickled her skin and she could feel his heart beating through his skin. He pulled out and laid next to her, chest rising and falling as he tried to slow his breathing, and he turned to smile at her.

“Your amazing and I-“ He stopped and cleared his throat “And your amazing.”

He’d almost said something crazy, but she thankfully hadn’t seemed to notice as she began to rummage around for her shirt and slipped it over her head before collapsing next to him. She rolled on to her side, eyes closing sleepily and hooked one of her legs with his, and promptly fell asleep.

**********

The cup arrived early the next day, and Vince had jumped out of bed like the house was on fire. He was showered, dressed and putting on his shoes by the time she had come out of the bathroom to get dressed.

“How fancy is this anyways?” She asked rummaging through her suitcase “Like should I wear a dress or pants or-?”

“Whatever you wear will be hot, but I like that one.” He was pointing at a yellow dress she had hung over the back of a chair in the corner of his room. She’d bought it and never worn it, tags still hung from the arm of it. She smiled.

“Perfect.”

There was already an entourage outside when they left the house, many friends and family had gathered in his driveway to watch the cup be handed to him. Even though Josie had no idea what was going on she was still excited to watch him pick up the cup. She googled it the night before and apparently within the hockey community it was a huge deal, so because it was big to Vince, it was to her. He gave her hand a squeeze before he released it and made his way over to the keeper of the cup to shake their hands. His mom spotted her and made her way over.

“You look nice.” She said commenting on her dress.

Josie looked down “Thanks. Vince picked it.”

“Well he did a great job. It’s so special you’re here with him for this, it’s his greatest achievement.”

“I didn’t know him then, but if it’s important to him it’s important to me.”

She smiled at her and gave a small laugh “You are important to him. I hope you know that. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.”

Josie smiled and looked back at Vince as he picked up the cup and lifted it over his head and cheers erupted around him.

It was going to be a great day.

[z0mbiekisses]

I can’t remember if I’ve requested anything so here I am!! Helloooooo 👋

I’d love a fic where it’s josh x reader and he notices she kinda changes her personality around her friends and confronts her about it at home. She breaks down explaining that she doesn’t really know who she is as a singular person and he offers to help her figure it out. They try lots of different hobbies (including making music ft Tyler hehe) and she feels a lot better. Lots of angst pleaseeeeee

Thank you bestie 🙌🙌

HAII BFFF!!! TYSMM FOR REQUESTING!! i LOVE LOVE this idea, this reminds me of a character arc ive seen in a show, so i was excited to write this!!

i’m so sorry for my inactivity 😣 life has been hectic as of late, but writing helps me escape for a bit<3. i hope yall enjoy this!

IM A MIRRORBALL !

me and josh have been going out for a few months now. i can confidently say he’s one of my favorite people ever. he holds the door open for me, he makes sure to always call if he’s not around. which is where because his favorite place to be is right beside me. josh always tells me i’m beautiful, everyday. he’ll dance around with me no matter where we’re at. there’s so many things about him i just adore. and there’s so many things about our relationship that brings me happiness. but one of the most important things is i felt like i could be myself around him. well.. mostly. i’m not too sure who i am sometimes. but josh always makes me feel safe. we’re getting ready to meet up with some of my friends to this farmer’s market. honestly, i wasn’t as i should be. i couldn’t exactly figure out why. but i pushed my feelings to the side and put on a cute outfit.

everything started off great, seeing my friends was always nice. and they all loved josh. one of the stands were selling cocktails. i didn’t like drinking, not to say i never do. but i tried to stay away from it most of the time. but my friends all got one, and i didn’t want to look like the odd one out, so i got one as well. despite it being strawberry, and me not liking strawberries. this earned an eyebrow raise from josh. i found myself trying to mimic their poses when we took pictures. i normally give a silly thumbs up or a peace sign while having a big grin. these photos i kicked my leg up and did everything to hide my smile. i didn’t want to look stupid next to my friends.

“come on y/n smile!” josh spoke from in front of us, holding the phone. all i did was a small little grin. there became a point during our endeavors where josh & i didn’t really speak to each other. i didn’t bother to say anything though, i’m sure it wasn’t a big deal. i was focused on my friends.

“y/n didn’t you hear sarah cheated on her boyfriend with her ex?!” my friend alana looked over to me. i didn’t like gossiping. especially about people i didn’t know. you never know people’s situations or what they’re going through. it’s something i always tried to stay away from. it was a quality josh appreciated about me. but in this situation, i suppose it was okay.

“what?! her ex of all people?” i gasped dramatically which made alana laugh.

“yes her ex nathan who posted that embarrassing video of her drunk dancing on a kitchen island.” my other friend emma chimed in. the three of us were walking next to each other while josh walked behind us. i didn’t even realize he was left out.

“did you ever see it y/n?”

“no i haven’t actually.” and with that emma pulled out her phone and showed poor sarah drunk out of her mind. sloppily dancing on the kitchen island while everyone had their phones out. until she slipped and spilt her drink all over herself. i felt awful, she clearly wasn’t in her right mind. that was actually the same night she found out her grandma was sick in the hospital with cancer. i could’ve stuck up for her, i should’ve. yet i found myself laughing along with them. nodding my head along to their insults. shortly after we all parted ways. the car ride home with josh was unusually quiet.

“josh are you okay?” all josh did was shrug and turn up the radio. i nervously fidgeted with my rings, which i left in the center console when we got to the farmers market because i didn’t want my friends to think they were ugly. when we got to josh’s place he finally spoke to me,

“what happened today?”

“what do you mean?”

“you were acting different y/n.” i raised my eyebrow. trying to play dumb, though i knew deep down what josh was getting at.

“i was just hanging with my friends-“ i tried to defend myself. but josh wasn’t buying it.

“which included making fun of sarah?” josh brought up. i looked away from him trying to figure out what to say.

“i wasn’t making fun of her, they were talking about i was just making conversation.” i protested.

“you could’ve stuck up for her, you know what happened that day y/n.” josh’s eyes weren’t filled with anger or anything. he just seemed.. disappointed. i didn’t know what to say.

“it wasn’t just today y/n, everytime we hang out with your friends it’s like you’re a totally different person.” i felt my hands began to shake. my heart was slowing beginning to move faster and faster.

“it’s because i don’t even know who i am!” i shouted. josh frowned. he walked over to me and held my shaking hands in attempt to calm me down.

“that’s not true y/n.” i cut josh off,

“it is. all i do is pretend with everyone in my life!” i pulled my hands away from josh. my self sabotaging mechanisms coming out. i couldn’t let him help me because i felt like i didn’t deserve it. i don’t deserve it.

“i act a certain way with everyone so i can fit in. so they can’t hate me.” at this point tears were falling down my cheeks and my voice was hoarse. josh’s eyes were watery. i could tell he wanted to help me. but for some reason i wasn’t making this easy.

“y/n you’re so perfect the way you are. i love you for who you are.”

“that’s impossible because i don’t know even who i am.” there was a moment of silence. you could hear a hair pin drop. yet my head was screaming. i couldn’t stand there any longer, i hauled out the door. slamming it behind me. the one person who actually had some of idea who i am i just shut out. i didn’t understand why i always did this? it never made anything better. i’ve lost so many people because of this. once they get close, i do everything i can to keep them out. ruining my own life everytime. it was always my fault.

that night josh & i didn’t sleep much. without each other knowing, we both looked at our phones. wanting to call or text one another. but we didn’t. too scared of what the possible outcome would be. i sat on my couch mindlessly watching some reality tv show. desperate to block out the mess in my head. until i heard a knock on the door, i opened it to see josh standing there, his eyes were tired and sympathetic. he pulled me into his arms. his warm embrace reminding me why i’ve been getting out of bed each morning. desperately trying to hold on to that safe feeling he brings me. i quietly mumbled a “sorry” in his chest while i sobbed. honestly, i didn’t think he’d show up. it was easy for me to shut people out because most people never tried to fight it. not even bothering to look back. i don’t blame though, sometimes i didn’t feel good enough to second guess. so the fact josh was here, it meant EVERYTHING to me. he held me on the couch. playing with my hair & rubbing my back until i could gain my composure. how’d i get so lucky i didn’t even know.

“i’m so sorry..”

“it’s okay baby we all get a little lost sometimes.” i looked up at him. josh smiled softly. he pushed back a strand of hair behind my ear.

“you know what’s really helped me figure out who i am is drumming.” i furrowed my eyebrows. josh wasn’t cocky by any means. but he was pretty sure of himself. and to think drumming was the solution kind of blew my mind.

“really?”

“yeah! maybe we can find something you enjoy doing, it won’t hurt to try.” i nodded listening to josh.

“you mean it?” i frowned and josh kissed my forehead mumbling a “mhm.” and that started our endeavors. who know hobbie hunting was so hard. i was a bit of perfectionist, so when i wasn’t immediately good at something i’d get discouraged. it was hard trying all these things while i still felt the same. i tried crocheting but it was a bit too complicated. me & josh would make jewelry but, everytime i dropped the string and the beads everywhere i wanted to slam my head on the table. josh took me to play basketball with him, but i was never too good at sports. and the heat made me MISERABLE. maybe josh was wrong, maybe i was too set in my ways to change. josh decided to bring me over to tyler’s studio. i loved hanging out with them while they worked on different projects. just watching them work was an amazing sight to see, they’re both so talented. this time around though i was more quiet. josh had went to grab some water when tyler approached me.

“you okay y/n? i don’t usually see you this quiet.” i let out a deep breath.

“yeah just going through some things.. midlife crisis stuff.” tyler chuckled lightly.

“that sucks you’re not even 40 yet.” i smiled at him. tyler always knew how to cheer people up, he was also very empathetic. i don’t open up easily, but with tyler it’s almost natural. and he actually understands, it doesn’t feel forced or complicated.

“do you sing by chance?” i shrugged my shoulders,

“a little. i used to do open mics when i was a teenager. back when i was more ambitious and talented..” i felt bad. i didn’t want to be a mood killer. but i felt like there was this constant rain cloud over my head, and i couldn’t stop it.

“i think you’re very talented y/n.” i rolled my eyes. i figured tyler was just trying to be nice.

“i actually asked josh if you could come today. i’ve heard you sing in the car before, you have a really great voice. i was wondering if you could do some back up vocals for us?” tyler asked softly. i couldn’t believe it. i’ve always liked singing, but i didn’t think i had much potential. and who was i to tell tyler no. so i walked in the recording booth, and put on my headphones. i could see in the corner of my eye tyler and josh smiling. not only that, i was actually happy. i forgot how much i actually enjoyed singing. all of those feelings i had in high school came back to me. when i walked out of the booth, josh hugged me.

“you guys are evil.” i chuckled pulling away to look at him.

“y/n you killed it! thank you again.” tyler smiled. i nodded my head,

“of course, thank you guys for being there for me.” i had not only found my spark again. but i’ve found people who knew me for me. i didn’t have to act a certain way to please them or try to fit in. they loved me for me.

[hiperacid2]

A letter from one's aching heart.

╰┈➤ nanami kento x reader ･ﾟﾟ･｡ wc: ~600

╰┈➤ post shibuya 2018 incident, spoilers for the recent s2 ep (18), gender neutral!reader, angst, mostly hurt/small amounts of comfort, grief, unedited . ･ﾟﾟ･｡posted on ao3!! ･ﾟﾟ･｡ @bitchcraftinc ੈ♡˳

"I've lived and I've loved, I've drank bitter and cold coffee, and I've drunk it warm and sweet too. Lately the world lost its color, and with it the respite of love went away. Maybe it's still there, in the way I still cook, make coffee, load the laundry, buy takeout, and more; everything for two. I keep forgetting I'm going to wake up in an empty, cold bed, that my towels won't ever be warm again when I get out of the shower; sometimes I speak waiting for a response, but what answers me is the silence of a hollow house. I keep saying 'I'm home!' with a smile every once in a while, but then again, hollowness is all I get back. Sometimes I wonder if things could be different, if we could have had an eternity of warm embraces and late sunday mornings. Wondering is futile, you taught me that, what matters is the present, the now. There's days where I buy myself a flower bouquet and put it in your favorite vase, the one that I think is boring and dull, and other days I treat myself to a dinner date, always pouring something for you too; I hope you're enjoying that. Don't worry about me, I'm doing good, it seems I was prepared to live without you, it's so hard, but I'm doing good. Though I loathe the day your clothes stop having your smell, I keep spraying your cologne in your pillow, hoping that the smell brands itself in my brain. I've had no luck yet, maybe if I try harder I will achieve it. I hope you forgive me, but I made one of your ties my lucky charm that I tied to my bag, and I had to cut it in half, with the rest I made a bracelet which I use almost every day, hoping to have a piece of you with me always, at least physically. Maybe I will adopt that little kitten, the one you insisted I should stop feeding. His mama vanished, and he's doing relatively good by itself. But I have all this love inside me that is for you, overflowing and drowning me; it seems to like the charm made out of your tie because they always play with it when I put my bag down. Even when you're not around you still are a magnet of strays. …I am making this longer than I planned, maybe I will write you another letter next week, or when I feel ready. I hope you don't mind the ink a little smudged because I'm crying. With love, always and forever, until we meet in another life, Kento."

You carefully folded the letter, chest full of sobs and tears completely clouding your vision. Nestling the pen you just used against your chest carefully, it's weight heavy in your hands, is Nanami's favorite.

After calming down enough to move, you take the folded paper and move it next to the plain cream vase that now holds half wilted flowers, leaving it there, with the pen over it as a weight.

Grabbing your bag as you take a tissue from beside the door, you put on your shoes. The keys on the door jingle, a solitary keychain with now no pair dances. Closing the door, your next destination is the pet store, the kitten is going to need a lot of new things… absentmindedly you wonder what name would suit them as the sounds of the city engulf you.

╰┈➤ a/n: this has been rotting in my docs since SEPTEMBER !! i'm so happy to finally release it here into the wild, it's not much but im thinking about grief and him allllllll the time. thank u for reading!! ♡

reblogs are greatly appreciated

[formula-fun]

hi there, let me walk you throught the last few days of my life

saw a list of history recommendations here on tumblr last Friday, saw the series if I had words there and thought "well let's give it a shot!"

started reading Friday night, got obsessed with it, couldn't stop, finished max's part Sunday, a little after the race.

got sad it ended and then VERY happy when I remember about the other part!!

started reading Sunday afternoon, got obsessed with it, couldn't stop, finished charles' part five minutes ago

All of this to day, I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR WORK 😭😭😭

like WTH IS SOO GOOD

the construction, the order of the events, seeing everything fall into place after reading both parts, max learning to grow older and softer, charles understanding his feelings and letting himself have nice things, their mom's, the packs, the I love yous, oh my GOD 😭😭

broke my heart when I reached the end because I could keep read more and more and more of those two maybe forever??

definitely interest in a sequel or spin off or any little crumb showing just a peek of them again

again, amazing work, absolutely brilliant all around (and I was always laughing at your notes hahaha)

sending love !!

😭😭😭😭😭😭 thank youuuuuu i literally cannot tell you how much i love this, hhh. I DO NOT HAVE WORDS

this fic is truly my child, i put so much time and attention into it and i love the way it turned out so much <33 ive never allowed myself to just take my time on something and keep scrapping it over and over until it was exactly how i wanted it, but i'm so glad i did! it makes me really happy that other people appreciate the care that went into it and appreciate the way everything falls into place. i promise it was HEADACHE inducing at times to write two different stories about the same event but it was also really really fun

and thank you abt notes ahhahsahs i do NOT put as much effort into my notes. i usually write my notes at the last second after editing for like 3 hrs straight and just roll on vibes, so im glad you enjoy that <33

dfkjdfksd i'm running low on crumbs but you can have this!! it's from a version of the final chapter in which jos DID tell the press about the miscarriage

Max wakes him up with a kiss at the base of his neck, and then one on his mouth that lingers sweetly. His hands are hesitant on Charles’ waist, his touch light and skittish, which Charles always hates. Charles tells him so, and Max lets out a husky laugh.

“You want more?” he asks, his tone still hesitant even when his eyes are dancing. It makes Charles roll his own eyes, and then roll him; pin him down into the mattress by his wrists and bite at his jaw.

“I want you to touch me like you mean it,” he mutters into his skin.

Max’s wrists flex beneath his grip, muscles coiled and ready to fight. His mouth is curved when Charles kisses it, but he bites Charles’ lip anyway.

“Mean what?” Max whispers against his mouth when they part.

That I’m yours, Charles thinks, but he doesn’t say it. He can’t say it. He can’t really admit to something like that, yet; can’t allow himself to, even if he already knows it’s halfway true. He wants to mean it when he says it, and Max—Max hasn’t chosen him yet.

“That you want me,” Charles says instead. He brushes his nose against Max’s jawline; against his pulse point; follows the line of his throat down to the spot where his mark would go and lets his breath dance over it. Max’s chest goes stone still beneath his own.

Charles ducks forward and brushes a chaste kiss there, as softly as he can. Max shivers beneath him, his eyelids fluttering shut. His tendons shift under Charles’ palms as his hands clench into loose fists.

“Do you—”

In a blink they’re rolling over, Max pressing him down, one hand at the small of his back and the other beneath his knee. Max kisses him hard.

“Like I couldn’t,” Max hisses against his mouth when they part. “What kind of question is that?”

Charles just quirks an eyebrow. “Show me,” he says simply.

For a while, he’s able to forget about it all.

Of course it only lasts as long for it takes the two of them to shower, get dressed and part ways; as soon as he arrives in the paddock he’s swarmed. It’s not the fans—they’re not allowed back here today—or even that people are yelling questions. People know not to try; not when paddock passes can get revoked and fines can be given.

They don’t do anything so stupid, but it doesn’t matter. The scrutiny is just as bad; two dozen cameras following his every move as if waiting for him to do something.

He breathes a sigh of relief as he ducks into the Ferrari hospitality. Andrea slips in after him, and he’s kind enough not to say anything about the way Charles is morosely stuffing biscuits from the coffee bar into his mouth.

“I called your pack off,” he tells Charles, making himself an espresso. He almost manages to look disinterested while he does it.

Charles just raises his eyebrows. “Did you?”

“Well, Pierre did. They didn’t really listen to me.” He dumps two sugars into his coffee, stirring a little aggressively, and then rolls his eyes at the look Charles is giving him. “Oh, leave me alone. It’s been a stressful morning. How are you doing?”

Charles shrugs. “We knew this was going to happen,” he points out.

“Yeah, I know. That wasn’t really my question.”

“I’m,” Charles starts, then looks down at his biscuit; the crescent bite taken out of it. “It’s fine. I don’t think it has fully hit me yet.”

Andrea purses his lips. He nods. “Fred said they’re not allowed to ask any questions about it in the presser. You’re with Pierre, Alex, Oscar and George, so even if someone tries something, you won’t be alone. It was the best we could do.”

“Max?” Charles asks, in spite of himself.

Andrea’s lips somehow purse even harder. “The FIA was strongly advised to give him a week off.”

“But not me.”

“You wouldn’t want a week off.”

Charles hums. That’s true.

“Besides,” Andrea adds in an undertone, “I know you will want to set an example that this is not to be discussed in the paddock. It’s not Fred’s decision, obviously, but…”

“But you don’t trust Max to be able to do the same,” Charles finishes for him.

“I trust him,” Andrea argues. “I trust him to say what we’re all thinking, which is that this is stupid and everyone should fuck off. I just also know that will only make things worse.”

Charles tilts his head, conceding the point. He breaks a crumb off his biscuit; pushes it past his lips.

“Is he alright?” Andrea asks after a beat, his voice quiet. “After last night?”

Andrea had been the one to check on them when they hadn’t reemerged from the bedroom suite, only to find them curled up on the bed, Max having finally passed out. Charles had kissed his forehead before slipping out to join the media strategy session; had pulled the duvet over him as he went. He’d called room service after everyone had finally left, coaxing Max into eating comfort food in bed with him, some meaningless travel show playing in the background, giving Max’s red-rimmed eyes somewhere to drift when they refused to meet Charles’ own.

“He’s fine,” Charles mutters, then scrubs at his hair. “Or he will be fine. I don’t know. He has this stupid idea that he has to be the strong one all the time. He doesn’t feel like he should need me when I am the one who everyone is talking about, and when he thinks it is all his fault.”

“Why does he think that?” Andrea asks.

“Because Jos was the only one who could have told them. Nobody else knew. And Max was the one who told Jos.”

Andrea chews that over, sipping his coffee.

“I don’t know why it matters,” Charles adds. “It is out now. It doesn’t matter how it got out.”

“You could always sue Jos,” Andrea muses. “Defamation or whatever.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“Isn’t it?”

Charles shrugs. Maybe it would give him some sense of satisfaction; probably not. “It would just give the media more to talk about,” he says. “It would make Max feel worse. I would gain nothing. It was going to come out eventually anyway,” he adds. “It was always a matter of time, wasn’t it?”

Andrea grimaces. “It’s hard to say,” he admits, “but these things tend to not stay secrets for long.”

[pomefioredove]

Wahhh I love your writings so so so much and you absolutely deserve 500 and more ToT seeing your posts always makes my day!! I saw the match-up event and knew I had to join, it'll be my first time trying one of those!

It is kinda hard to describe myself... Which I guess says something about me? I'm a total homebody, finding comfort in solitude and the sort of freedom that comes with being able to express myself, by myself, with no restraint. But even then, there's nothing I don't love about the bustling nighttime, basking in the sort of romantic air of the evening as I admire the city lights and the ambience of energy.

I'm the type of person that finds myself in people. For better or for worse, my presence is determined by those I choose to be around... So overall I'm a big people pleaser and am kind of starved for good friendships and affection, having always had a hard time keeping connections or finding people that truly want to be with me, which in turn makes me a bit of a loner, I suppose... I do truly yearn though lol, so the want for connection is still there, raging within. It's almost a painful sort of pining, because I never hold a grudge.. Even if someone does wrong by me, I will always be ready to welcome them again with open arms. I'm fiercely loyal, so I long to have people reciprocate that.

I adore anything that keeps my mind going and gives me that feeling of satisfaction and indulgence... I would say I find that feeling in my passion for art, writing, and reading... analysing my favorite movies and literature, getting to notice little things about the people around me and storing them in the back of my mind as little anecdotes I can smile about. Putting myself in the shoes of others, letting my imagination go wild— that small balcony full of potted plants is so beautiful and cozy, I wonder what the interior of the home is like, then... Small, full of zen, with warm lights? That person on the sidewalk, waiting for the bus with headphones on, they look like they would like jazz, or maybe something more upbeat?

Im also a dreamer, I guess I can describe it as such haha. Im a hopeless romantic by heart, yet sometimes I find myself feeling a twinge of apprehension at the thought of truly being in a relationship... Maybe it's because it's uncharted territory, or it's because that "dreaming" side of me has that sort of "prince charming" fantasy that I've always wished for, even on a more realistic level. But even then, I know I can be patient and let time do it's thing while I focus on bettering my own future, and finding happiness and comfort in myself in the meanwhile.

I feel like maybe I've made this a bit too long haha.,,, take your time, and have a wonderful day! 🩷🩷

I match you with 𝐌𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐮𝐬 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐚

anon I hope that you were purposefully trying to get him. I think you might actually be his soulmate oh my god

The First Impression:

Do you believe in love at first sight? Malleus does.

The connection is immediate. He's drawn to you like a moth to a flame, and conversing with you only enchants him more. Perhaps you bump into each other somewhere in the dead of night, or maybe you're just classmates, either way he simply knows.

Why He Fell:

Malleus soon finds himself purposefully seeking out your company, wanting to get closer but not sure how. This whole "friendship" thing is quite new to him, after all, and he doesn't want to scare you off.

There's no telling what exactly it is that makes him fall in love, but he falls, and he falls hard. He relishes in every moment you spend together, whether it's talking about your shared passion for the arts, or listening to you describe dreams. Your perspective on life is so... fascinating to him, he can simply never get enough of it. Your attention to detail, your appreciation of the little things, your ceaseless curiosity and active imagination, the care you feel for strangers... You quite literally change his world view.

Perhaps he's not exactly a prince charming, but he's close enough.

The Relationship:

There's a sense of understanding between the two of you when it comes to your loneliness. Later on, Malleus will question if he could tell that you felt as isolated as he did when he first saw you, if that was what drew him closer. But he doesn't put much thought into it. You enchanted him, and that's enough of a reason.

Though, perhaps, in the end, it's that shared loneliness that drives you together again and again. Your fierce loyalty, your craving for love and affection. You make each other feel safe and secure, which is all Malleus could really ask for at the end of the day.

He truly grows into himself during the course of your relationship, becoming a more stable, caring, and emotionally intelligent version of himself. You truly bring out the very best in him, and he can only hope he does the same for you.

There are awkward moments, of course, being two people that have no prior relationship experience. There's miscommunication, the occasional bruised ego, but there's truly nothing that could tear you apart. Malleus is devoted, reliant on his loved ones in such a way that perfectly mirrors your loyalty, and the both of you are quick to forgive and talk and move on. Probably the healthiest relationship to ever healthy.

He absolutely adores you from beginning to end.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas 👋

Bit of a strange ask here, I suppose, and it's late so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense (feel free not to reply, especially if I accidentally touch on topics you don't want to talk about). A bit of context for my situation: I'm currently presenting as a girl, my birth gender - but recently, the last year or so, and especially the last few months when ive sort of admitted it to myself, I really have started to think I'm probably not cis. I definitely feel like a girl sometimes, but other times, I can't think of anything worse than being a girl and it feels all wrong. This has led me to believe I'm probably genderfluid (or possibly trans, but I'm really not ready to admit that to even myself yet). I quite like using he/they pronouns, which I sometimes use in online spaces. However, my main question comes because I'm moving to a city an hour away from where I live right now, at the end of this year. I'm going to be starting a new school, have new friends, join new clubs etc. And while I'll still be seeing family/good friends from where I live now, I feel like it would be a lot easier for me to just start anew with a changed identity. But I'm really not confident in my identity yet - I can barely admit it to myself without massive amounts of doubt, and can't think of myself in situations where people don't see me as a girl. My parents would support me - but they'd definitely roll their eyes a bit, and be somewhat of 'it's a phase' or 'not my child' I think?? And I know a lot of my current friends, who honestly im not really that close to, won't get it and will probably abandon me for being too 'weird'. Luckily I do have a best friend that I believe will stick by me.

Sorry, I got a little side-tracked, but basically, my question is; would it be worth it? I know it'd be hard, and I know my family and friends perception of me would change, and maybe not for the better, and im worried to come out as an identity but then realise im actually not that and prove them right in thinking it was just a phase. Sorry for the long ask, but any advice or insight you could give would be much appreciated. <3

Hi love!

Okay, a few questions:

is it SAFE for you to present as your identity? Safety first!

Mentally, can you handle the reactions that might happen if you were to come out? You say perceptions might change for the worse- is that okay with you?

I think for some people, negative reactions aren't a big deal. It's like- fuck you if you don't accept me, you know? But for others, especially people who are still young and who are minors, negative reactions can be super detrimental. It's YOUR decision what is the best for you.

Remember, YOU are the person who knows you best. You know what you need and what is important to you. You also deserve to put your needs first. What do you think is best for you?

Naming you pancakes anon (we're going with random names)

[doxiedreg]

So life update: I am slowly getting better though im still very tired and am also rn having a random anxiety attack because my body loves to bestow those on me where i am randomly anxious and stressed with no clear cause. BUt! At least I am cooking dinner again. Also lemon finally had (part of) her babies!!! Yesterday I suddenly spotted a bunch of dead fry on the gravel (likely stillborn) that the other fish were very excited about but I also saw at least 2 live fry resting on the plants! I have also spotted one today but I am not sure if any will survive to adulthood. Lemon still has a bit of a pink mass inside her rn so i dont think she is entirely done yet. Orange is also a lil bloated still but that might be because she is hogging all the food as her poop looks normal. I think ill do a general cure just to be safe once im able to catch all my assasin snails and put them in a seperate (temporary) plastic tank i have that also hold a lot of pest snails since snails are more sensitive to the general cure medication. shrimp should be fine according to the packaging. So yeah I hope this nightmare will soon be over and I can go back to doing art. I really want to get back into it but I dont feel quite ready yet which sucks because its the primary/best way for me to keep my anxiety and stress in check. So yeah, thats what is up with me rn. I miss my blorbos so much augh. Maybe send me some character asks or even asks about me or my art? Need to keep my brain occupied somehow and reading, gaming and youtube videos arent really cutting it rn. Might try watching another movie but thats also hard for my brain to push myself to. Sorry for rambling, tl;dr: Im doing slightly better but im anxious and bored out of my mind. Please send asks, it would be very appreciated. Also lemon finally popped out some babies after being overdue for half a month.

[kasaneteto]

happy new moon in pisces all you gay people in my phone 🫶 a couple weeks ago i posted about refreshing my money bowl for the new moon, and in that posted i hinted at something else i had done that day but wasn’t done yet. this is that thing! for the February full moon i thought it would be the perfect time to craft some love oil! i wasn’t totally set on the intention when i put it together initially, so i’ll showcase how i kinda set up a loophole or a ‘just-in-case’ element to this as well. read moreeeeee 👇

so first and foremost i wanna preface this by saying: this is a self-love spell. i really do not recommend doing love spells on other people without their consent. generally not a great idea and ultimately will probably just end in you being disappointed. of course there’s a difference between trying to attract someone unspecific/someone who has shown interest in you vs a spell with the intention of making someone you like develop feelings for you in return. dont do that last one. you will only end up hurting yourself. (not personally speaking from experience but. yknow. trying to affect the lives of others via witchcraft has gone terribly for me in the past so i cant imagine itd be much different here)

SO WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY!!!! here’s the breakdown:

everything used here is really basic kitchen ingredients. i used olive oil for the base, and for the herbs used three different kinds: lavender (love and serenity) chamomile (love, protection from negative energy) and cloves (passion, attraction)

first i cleanse the altar space and the container im going to use. after lighting the cherry blossom candle i burned for this spell (v romantic scent, also associated with rebirth and new relationships) i do this with lavender & rose incense that i lit via the candle flame. next i hold the herbs i want to use in my palm one by one and infuse them with my intention. i ask the lavender to help me appreciate and love myself, the chamomile to deflect any negativity i may face, and the cloves to draw in “whatever is meant to be”. this is what i meant by the loop-hole thing. cloves are great for manifesting & abundance but i only added a little bit, less than i usually would. i wasn’t sure whether or not to try and invoke the prospect of meeting someone new, hence ‘whatever is meant to be’

once all the herbs are in the jar i pour in the oil and seal it up! ready to soak up that full moon energy 👍 i set it up on my outside altar, surrounding it with pieces of driftwood rubbed in black salt. this is to protect any unwanted energies from leaking in. i place some amethyst and orange selenite with it, very good self-love crystals

that big stick with the rose quartz on the end is something i made that i call my mood rod. i use it to directly channel the moon’s energy into whatever im making (which is just moon water most of the time)

and after the night is over, i take it back inside and place it in the bathroom at my self love altar to steep for two weeks! whenever i think to i pick it up and swish the herbs around a little bit and sing a lil song about how im awesome and i love myself 🫶

fast forward to last night. its been steeping in all that self-love, its time to finalize my intentions with this spell! but i need a little bit of guidance before i can make a final decision here. whenever im unsure whether or not a spell is a good idea/how to go about it, its time to consult the tarot.

so with my intentions for this pell in mind, i ask the tarot if its wise to try and invoke the manifesting aspect of the cloves

pretty loud and clear! anyone who can read tarot will know this is a “dont do it” answer. without going too much into detail about the cards individually, the first two are of the wand arcana (associated with fire and therefore passion) and are being shown in the reversed position. the card in the middle represents speed, so to see it reversed in this case means the opposite (not every reversal has a completely opposite meaning to the original but in this case it does) and the last card is the major arcana justice, which is pretty self explanatory like idk if i can explain the concept of justice to you sorry. basically in layman’s terms what this is saying to me is to just be patient. fighting an uphill battle wont do me any good right now. just focus on yourself and in due time things will turn out in your favor! duly noted! those cloves are there just for me now. my cloves

setting her out under the new moon! this time ive adorned her with seashells (pisces energy) rose quartz (love) and unakite (self love, discipline, and in this case, bond severing)

the next day its time to strain the oil into an eyedropper!!!!!! an arduous task indeed

👆the face of intense concentration. its hard to do this without making a bit of a mess. hence the plate.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS HOW YOU MAKE SELF LOVE OIL BABY!!!!!!!! i’ll use this to annoint things in future love spells OR just as a topical when i need a confidence boost. its just straight olive oil so it double as a moisturizer Too 😋 thanks for reading!!!!! everyone love each other and most of all love urself!!!! 🫶

[whispers-ln-shadows]

addressing what went down on nye…im really sorry for how things went, and i want to own up to my actions.

i was genuinely excited to spend nye with you, and everything was going great until midnight. i want to emphasize that im truly not hung up on my ex in any way. it's just that it triggered some deep-seated emotions, particularly about my dad, and it completely consumed my thoughts and overwhelmed me.

what happened next was a mess. i not only got upset but also ended up lying about what was said, and i know that it only made things worse. i can't imagine how frustrating it must have been for you to go around and around in circles with me for three hours, and i'm truly sorry for putting you through that.

without avoiding responsibility, because this is still completely on me, i realized that alcohol played a significant role in what happened, and i'm determined to be more responsible in the future. i want you to know that i have no intention of letting an ex, or anything else, affect our relationship like it has.

i regret telling you we were done...its not what i want or feel, i didnt mean it. i was just overwhelmed by the situation.

ive taken a deep dive into self-reflection, trying to pinpoint my triggers and confront my tendencies to lie or avoid the truth. it's led me to some conclusions.

above all, trust is of utmost importance. i realize the need for you to trust me completely, to believe in the honesty of my words. equally, i must trust you, especially when it comes to being honest without fearing rejection. we need to foster open, constructive conversations, which you excel at with your clear boundaries and support.

on the flip side, i often find myself anticipating conflicts and worst-case scenarios, causing me to shy away from honesty out of fear. i create these mental scenarios and apply them to situations that haven't even happened yet, and i really regret how it has affected our relationship.

for our relationship to work, trust is an absolute must. i recognize that i haven't provided many good examples of being honest in the past, and i'm genuinely sorry for that.

thinking about why ive sometimes resorted to lying... it's been a self-preservation mechanism for me, a way to shield myself from facing difficult truths that i might find uncomfortable or challenging to talk about. i've been afraid of potential conflicts and the emotional toll that honesty could bring. but I understand that this approach has only caused more harm than good, and i need to break this pattern and confront the truth, no matter how hard it may be, because you deserve that honesty and openness.

ive unintentionally taken my frustrations out on you, which is unfair and hurtful. i've leaned on you to fix things for me when it's my responsibility to address my own issues. i know that this isn't healthy for either of us, and i really need to work on managing my emotions better and not burdening you with problems that aren't yours to solve. it's essential that we both have the space to be ourselves and support each other without the added pressure of fixing everything.

i appreciate the valuable advice you've given me in the past, and i want to acknowledge that sometimes i haven't followed it as i should. i understand that, to some extent, offering guidance and support is all you can do, and im grateful for it.

i know i let you down, and i'm committed to making amends and ensuring this doesn't happen again. i value our relationship so much, and i'm ready to work on myself to handle triggers better and be completely honest with you.

i value what we have with all my heart. we share so many great moments, and i genuinely enjoy our time together. you make me incredibly happy, and i cherish what we have. the thought of losing you terrifies me, and i miss you while you're taking time to think about everything.

i want to end this apology by pleading with you not to give up on me. im truly sorry for the mistakes ive made and the hurt i've caused. im willing to do anything it takes to make things right and to be better for you and myself. our relationship means the world to me, and i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and give us another chance...

i hope we can put this behind us and keep building a stronger, trusting bond together...

[borderline-gays-club]

Damn every time I’m reminded that I’ve been taking something for granted, it truly does make me appreciate that thing more than ever.

The whole thing of the heart grows fonder with distance or watever that phrase it.

Like every time I injured myself (which had been 3x very seriously, where I was temporarily physically disabled), I still to this day do not take those specific body parts I injured for granted.

When I broke my wrist in 1st grade and had to relearn how to draw and write with my left wrist, I’ve always been so careful about protecting my hands. Especially as someone who is a maker. That wud destroy my inside and out if I couldn’t use my hands anymore.

When I first badly sprained my foot in 11th grade, where for the first time ever I couldn’t walk with both feet, I’ve never never taken my ability to walk for granted. I was on crutches for 2-3 months (can’t remember exactly) and was able to walk with a boot for 1ish month? I couldn’t socialize much anymore bc I cudnt easily travel/move in general. I felt so incredibly isolated. And the obvious physical difficulties. Stairs felt like mountains. More than a 5 min walk my armpits wud start to hirt from the crutches. I couldn’t even bring a glass of water to my room by myself. So many fucking things I took for granted. Every day I could walk after that experience I was so grateful.

When I tore my acl 1.5 years ago…so much of my life drastically changed. I was on crutches for about 3.5 months. Was on a cane for 2-3 months. I couldn’t walk “normal” for basically 7 months. I won’t even go into all the details of everything I took for granted bc honestly….the list can go on forever. But one of the biggest challenges was the bathroom. The first time I went to the bathroom at home after the initial surgery it took me 20 min to get onto the toilet from my bed with the help of my now ex. Whereas it wud take me ~15 seconds to do this before the injury. And the pain was excruciating if I moved ever so slightly too abruptly. We literally had to create a system in order for me to get to the bathroom and that took trial and error. And the pain..oh it was horrifying. Because not only was I in physical pain but I literally couldn’t move my leg alone. Someone else had to move it for me. It was like a massive dead weight that could still feel immense sensation..

Anyway. I’m still not 100% with my leg yet and honestly I kno it will never b the same. I think I’ve permanently lost feeling in a specific part of the knee that makes is not possible for me to put bare weight on that knee. But I knew this was a risk. And honestly just the fact that I can exist without excruciating physical pain and constant high anxiety of experiencing the pain, I am FUCKING grateful. Walking…jumping…skipping, crawling, bending, lifting, kicking, swimming…literally any god damn thing that my leg can do I’m so grateful so so so grateful.

THANK U BODY FOR ALL THAT U ARE AND ALL THAT U EXIST IN. THANK U FOR THE ABILITIES U GIVE ME TO B ABLE TO FULLY EXPERIENCE MY WHOLE SELF. EVEN AS U LOSE THESE ABILITIES IN THE FUTURE I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT AND LOVE YOU SO FUCKING DEEPLY AND CONTINUE TO GROW WITH U ESPECIALLY THRU INEVITABLE DECAY AND DEATH.

I WILL GRIEVE AND MOURN ALL THE YEARS I HAVE ABUSED YOU AND TORTURED YOU. ALL THE LOST TIME I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET BACK WITH YOU. IM SO SORRY AND I WILL TRULY NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED AGAIN. IM SORRY FOR CONTINUING THIS CYCLE OF SELF ABUSE FOR ALL THIS TIME. I AM NOW FULLY READY TO BEGIN THIS JOURNEY OF BREAKING THIS CYCLE WITH YOU. LET US GUIDE EACH OTHER WITH THE TIME THAT WE DO HAVE WITH EACH OTHER.

[the-loser-table]

When I was in high school, I had my first gay experience with a girl named Morgan. Things ended pretty bad for us. I wasn't ready to be "out" yet and that really hurt her. I haven't seen her in about five years but have since been trying to repair our situationship, but haven't have luck in getting to see her in person again. In January of 2022 I had just gotten out of my first gay relationship which it taught me a lot of hard lessons and I reached out to her to try to be friends. She always seemed receptive but then we wouldn't keep plans and would never talk again until I would initiate again. Fast forward to April 2023, I got the courage to ask her on a date. The universe told me that i should take chances after I had ended things with an awkward/unwanted situationship this week also (big libra moon thing) i couldn't stop thinking about her. I asked her on Tuesday, today is Thursday and we went out!!!!!! I was so excited. I let myself get excited (something i have been working on this year, insert "im so lucky" mantra) I wore my black mushroom dress and curled my hair, picked her up at her place, and then we went to Condado Taco! She was harassing me the entire time about my driving and about things we were talking about, just surface level conversation, banter back and forth. It made me giggle and she kept thinking I was laughing at her. I was just nervous and blushing. I got serious in the middle of our meal to tell her how appreciative i felt that she gave me a chance to see her, spend time with her. I told her how nice she looked and how much fun I was having listening to everything in her life that I have missed in the last five years. She was honest with me and told me that she was super nervous and almost said no to my invite. I told her how nervous I was and that i wanted to over explain myself but she said it was a good thing that I stayed simple with the invite. She told me that she got super high before I picked her up. I figured it was to try to calm her nerves. Anyways, we were on the way back to her house and I had to put my brakes on in a hurry and put up the mom arm to keep her from sliding in her seat. She told my hand and HELD IT. It felt like the earth stopped. I couldnt believe it. My hand was sweating so badly. I ended up putting my hand on here thigh instead ugh soooo sweaty. Anyways, I walk her to her door and tell her again how nice it was to see her and she grabbed my face and KISSED me !!! TONGUE TOO!! i wasnt expecting it and kinda pulled away and giggled. I still have butterflies !!!!! I cant wait to see M again.

[hprse]

Anyways i decided not to lie but instead be super vague

Warning for the tags: its a fucking mess. I wouldnt open it LMAO

[yengyangyo]

berry | k.s.w

pairings: kim sunwoo x female reader

genre: college au, friends to lovers

summary: you are in denial that you have a crush on your own friend, kim sunwoo until he made you confess your feelings.

word count: 1.9k

note: i wrote this on sunwoo's birthday. its quite late to post it cs i kept on postponing it sksksk but yea this was inspired by sunwoo's berry. enjoy reading! xo

-

you had sunwoo on your mind for days that you are lacking of sleep. it doesnt sit quite right for you to have this 'romantic' feelings for your bestfriend. meanwhile, sunwoo is not helping you to clear up your mind at all. he's just always there beside you no matter what.

he'd wait at the bus stop just to go to class together with you in the morning even when you're running late. lunch time together is a must unless one of you had other plans. both of you are just stuck together anywhere you go.

so for once, you thought it'd be a good plan to avoid him today. you woke up early that morning to get to class and you texted sunwoo that you had a discussion with your groupmates. this went on for a few days, you were making excuses everyday but sunwoo believed you.

until he couldnt take it anymore.

you felt your phone vibrating in your pocket and you saw sunwoo on the caller id. you were hesitating to pick it up until you felt someone grabbing your wrist from the back, turning you around.

"found ya!"

sunwoo appeared in front of you with the brightest smile. you couldn't help but to feel happy and welcomed by him that you started smiling unknowingly. you get back to your senses seconds later and avoided his eyes.

sunwoo knew something was wrong when he saw your expression fell. he glanced at your phone that kept ringing. he ended the call and your phone went off too.

"why arent you answering my calls? are you still busy?"

you couldnt stand seeing sunwoo looking all gloomy and upset. you felt bad for ignoring him so you tried making up excuses again.

"oh yea i was about to pick it up. sorry,"

sunwoo pouted and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. he's using his favourite perfume again today, you noticed. that scent happened to be your fav of him too. you felt weak and wanting to crawl into a hole or something.

"im craving chicken today. how about chicken and beer for dinner tonight?"

sunwoo turned his head at you, waiting for an answer. you looked up at him and his face was only inches away from you. you looked away, flustered. he had always been this way but only now you noticed how you felt about him which made it more awkward to be this close to him.

"i dont know, sunwoo. i'll have to check with my groupmates," you said, pretending to check your phone for your nonexistent messages.

"its friday come on. i havent hang out with you for days already," sunwoo whined and that made you laugh.

"alright but i get to choose where to eat,"

-

you chose the chicken restaurant near your neighbourhood where you both are regular customers there. the place was crowded with youngsters like the both of you, drunken with beer and chicken.

you were also getting tipsy from drinking. the first 30 minutes of the dinner went normal. asking how each other had been doing with the college life.

sunwoo sighed and rested his chin on his right palm. his eyes falters on you, searching for something. you looked away, feeling a bit burdened and transparent, because sunwoo knew you werent acting yourself these days.

"hey," he called you but you didnt answer and still avoiding the eye contact.

"hey look at me,"

you were startled at the warmth on both of your cheeks. sunwoo was cupping your cheeks to make you look at him straight in the eyes. you didnt know if this warmth was from his hand or from you blushing.

"what's wrong?" he asked. now his hand moved to yours, holding it tight. "you're avoiding me these days. do you think i didnt notice?"

silence fell between you two, just staring at each other. the guilt creeping up inside you and you didn't know where to start.

its the smallest gesture from him that create butterflies in your stomach.

that one time he opened the water bottle for you when he saw you struggling and saying that you're such a baby. his laughter filled the room when you frowned at the remark. you know how much he loves annoying you and in the end he always made you laugh too.

on rainy days, he'd always share the umbrella with you and keeping you close to him so you wouldnt get drenched. sometimes he'd gently rub your arm so you wouldn't get too cold.

sometimes he'd call you names like how boyfriend and girlfriend do, jokingly. though, you somewhat enjoyed it and played along. pretending to cringe but actually was flattered by him.

at this moment, your hand in his, eyes boring into each other, you just want to scream at him how much you love him.

you smiled in defeat and pulled back your hand.

"there were just so many thoughts going on my mind lately, sunwoo. im so sorry,"

he didn't question you any further and he nodded his head.

"whatever it is youre thinking, i just want you to know i'm always here for you,"

you smiled, this time sincerely at him.

"you always are sunwoo. i appreciate that,"

he smirked, "after all, i am the best that you got,"

you rolled your eyes and gave him your disgusted face.

"so are you gonna tell me what's bugging you?"

"i think i like someone. he's just always running round in my mind these days,"

you didnt know where the courage came from to blurt out that out of your mouth. sunwoo who was halfway shoving a piece of chicken in his mouth, stopped. he put it down and looked at you, doubting himself if he heard that right.

"i couldnt stop thinking about him. that pretty much explains that i like him right? or is it just my mind playing games with me?"

you swore you saw his face fell for a second but he went back to the usual sunwoo after that.

"does he know about your feelings?"

you shrugged, "nah. im still trying to find out what i really feel about him. should i tell him?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and chugged down his beer until its empty.

"yea why not," he answered simply. "he must be really lucky to have you,"

you laughed, "i havent done anything yet. there's a possibility that he'd reject me too anyway,"

its funny how you talk about this like its some stranger to sunwoo when you are talking about him. you felt light hearted a bit after letting that out.

"who'd reject you?" sunwoo said while playing with that piece of chicken, not looking at you anymore. "you're pretty and fun,"

you raised an eyebrow, wondering if you heard that right. he was still poking the chicken with his fork, eyes hazy and lips pouting.

"so you're not gonna tell me who is this guy you have a crush on?"

"you'll find out soon,"

-

sunwoo offered to walk you home though you kindly told him he didn't have to. he insisted and now you are walking beside him. he was suddenly quiet after the conversation you had with him.

"is that why you're avoiding me? because you have a crush on this guy?"

he asked, hands in his pockets, eyes looking forward. you looked at him, feeling a bit weirded out by his cold tone.

"no... okay maybe? i dont know. i just needed some time to myself,"

sunwoo fell quiet again for the rest of the walk home. when you reached the front gate of your house, you looked back at sunwoo. he looked like he was upset. you walked up to him and pat his side.

"hey thanks for walking me home. i'll tell you everything when i'm ready okay?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and you turned around to get out of that awkward moment.

"no i'll tell you everything right now okay? hear me out,"

you stopped in your tracks and facing him in confusion. he was pacing around, his hands are restless in his pockets.

"before you confess to him i guess i have to make a move on you first," sunwoo said, this time he raised his voice. "this is why people are saying we should always tell what we feel before we regret it and i dont want to regret it but i think im too late,"

you are worried at him. he looked like he was about to break down right in front of you. you wanted to comfort him but you didnt get what he's trying to say.

"sunwoo, i dont understand. what is it?"

sunwoo stopped pacing around and stopped directly in front of you. you swore you saw his eyes tearing up and you wanted to cry too. you thought, the alcohol has made both of you emotional.

"i like you,"

you both felt like the world is weighing down. it was as if the time has stopped for you two. you were staring at each other in disbelief.

"i know you like someone else and i shouldve told you sooner. i kept on putting back my feelings behind," sunwoo halted, gasping for air. "im too late now but i have to tell you this,"

"sunwoo-"

"i dont care who he is. but i want you to know that you deserve of love. you kept on telling yourself you dont deserve anyone. you know how badly i want to tell you that im here? i want to love you," sunwoo was practically shouting at this point. he sighed, "shit im already am in love with you,"

at those words, your tears came streaming down like crazy. you've never seen him cry but tonight he looked beautiful even when he's crying. you lurched forward and wrapped your arms around him. he buried his face in your neck and you felt his warm tears on your skin.

"im sorry. i just wanted to let that out after keeping it for so long. this is the worst timing huh?" he murmured under his breath.

you shook your head and laughed. you let go of the hug first and cupped his face in your hands. teary eyes staring at each other.

"sunwoo its you,"

"what?"

"i love you too,"

you closed the distance between the two of you, kissing him for the first time. that caught him off guard but then smiled in the kiss. it was sloppy but sunwoo is for sure leading you well at this. you both craved for this for a long time already. you were still crying of relief and touched by his confession.

"you should've told me before i start crying like an idiot," sunwoo looked down at you, smiling with his swollen eyes.

you laughed at him and you snuggled more into his embrace not wanting to let go too soon. you realized how much you miss him after those dreading days of ignoring him. he rested his chin on your head while gently patting you.

"im sorry ive been ignoring and denying my feelings for you,"

"its okay. thank god we actually like each other though," you both laughed at the same time and you havent felt this happy and giddy before.

"so i can actually call you my baby now?" sunwoo asked smirking at you playfully, knowing how much you hated it before.

"that's still cringy but sure, babe,"

[imfiguringitoutlovely]

Good morning (it’s 3 AM for me rn 😅) and I accidentally over-exerted myself (by studying for 7 hours straight) and am currently dealing with a massive headache that refuses to go away so now I can’t sleep...

Can you please write headcanons, a short story, or whatever you’d like of Gang Orca (I simp for the fish-man too 🙌) with an SO in my situation? It would be very much appreciated!

gang orca with workaholic reader

pairing: gang orca x gn!reader (they/them)

genre: "sick"fic, comfort, fluff

warnings: mentions of burnout

author's notes: GANG ORCA SIMPS UNITE I LOVE THIS MAN AND HH i sWear, i can never decide if i want to marry him or be adopted by him bc the dilf energy 😩

im also really sorry you're dealing with that. :( i know how absolutely horrible it feels to work yourself to the bone only to have your body punish you for it. please take care of yourself! you deserve to be mentally and physically healthy :)

from day one of you two dating, kugo made his admiration of your determination to work very clear. it was very important to him that his partner understood the importance of work and why it was, at times, harder for him to straighten out his work vs home priorities.

past partners had expected this luxurious, attention-filled life, but it just wasn't the reality of his work. he wasn't really home, and when he was, he was doing digital work. running a hero agency as the #12 hero took a lot more than saving a couple people a day, so his partner would have to accept that though they didn't come second, there would be times where work had to take priority. and you not only understood that, but lived in the same world as it.

because of this, though, he was also placed in the same position of those past partners. and god, now he realized how wearing it was emotionally.

this man loved you. you two were in it for the long, long, long run, so to see you work your health away made his heart ache terribly. it inspired him, actually, to give in and hire more employees soley devoted to paperwork so he didn't put the same worry up for you.

the problem of your restless nights still continued, though. you worked yourself to the bone everyday, all day. since you worked from home, from the minute you were up to the second you were forced to tap out, you were working. kugo would be in bed first after getting home, assuring you ate dinner, and getting ready for bed. you'd normally go to bed about half an hour after him and he'd be able to soothe you to sleep.

they weren't healthy hours, but he was glad you weren't fighting the sleep too much.

one night, though, you threw up a big middle finger to your body's needs. your boss had added more to your workload. you were far too close to a promotion (MY DUMBASS WROTE "upgrade" FIRST DJDNEKE) to stop now. you took it on, promising you'd knock out at least half before the next day.

you woke up, made coffee, helped kugo prepare his lunch, and then started on your work. he wasn't even out the door when you were in your first virtual meeting of the day which started ramping up his concern.

you went through several meetings, moving around the house at times to try and stay as comfortable as possible so you could get your work done effeciently.

you'd forgotten to eat, though, running on coffee and pure will. and fear of losing your job. your partner got home at around 10pm, walking up to where you were taking your seat at the breakfast bar in your kitchen. he made sure you knew he was there before hugging you from behind.

"darling?" he looked at your computer screen. "still working, dear?"

"mmhm..." you leaned back into his chest, but didn't pause your reading. "i ordered in ikayaki." you quickly gestured to the paper bag on the table. "it shouldn't be cold yet, it came in ten minutes ago."

he toom notice of the lack of utensils out and dishes in the sink. "have you eaten yet?"

"later."

"darling..." he let out a gentle sigh and pulled away. he didn't try moving you away from your work, instead opting to prepare your plate and setting it next to your laptop. "i understand how important today's work is in particular, but your health should always be your primary concern. i'll eat with you, too." he sat next to you without invading your space, not expecting a reply and not at all bothered when those expectations were met. he was happy when you ate some of your dinner, but found himself lost in worry again when he'd finished and you seemed to forget your own was there in the first place. "i'll be right back." he stood and went to get ready for bed.

after his shower and usual night routine, he went back to you to see thst you'd completely abandoned dinner and returned to your coffee. "isn't it a bit late for coffee?"

"almost done. couple more documents." he just hummed in understanding before taking his place on the couch a few feet away. something just didn't feel right. you were far less respondent than usual, and you were typing a lot faster. you were anxiously focused on the work at hand.

also, turns out "couple more" meant an entire large file's worth. kugo himself had started drifting off when he noticed you taking a break. he stood when he realized it was too the medicine cabinet.

"sweetheart?"

"headache," you whispered, more to yourself. the lights just seemed brighter, and your laptop looked kinda blurry. your head was started to pulse painfully.

"you've had a lot of caffeine." he didn't have to see every cup you put down to know. "and im assuming you haven't had a proper meal today. that paired with hardly any amount of break time is a recipe for extreme discomfort." he helped you read the pain medication and got out a safe dose for your headache. he grabbed a waterbottle, too, and handed it to you. "you can finish dinner in bed."

"kugo." you took the medication and water. "i need to finish this file."

"you need to rest. you've been pushing yourself extremely hard these past few months and your body can't handle so much stress. please." he let you take the pills before touching his nose to your head. "i don't go in to the agency tomorrow. i can help you catch up in the morning, and then we can go to lunch together, hm?" it's been quite a while since you two'd been on a date.

you toom a while and considered your options. you were about to decline, but then another wave of violent pulsing hit. you sighed out shakily and closed your eyes to block out the agitating kitchen lights. "yeah um... can-can you save my document before turning the laptop off, please?"

he agreed and did so. he also picked you up while you were on your way to the bedroom. you didn't jump or push. this wasn't uncommon for you two, and neither was his pokite question of whether or not he had permission to help you get dressed into your pajamas. once you were ready for bed, he even tucked you in before making sure the home's security system was set.

once everything was ready, he went back to the bed and climbed in with you. the bed dipped significantly which you took as your sign to move to basically lay on top of him he loved it when you did that, though.

"feeling better, dear?" he ran a hand up and down your back to try and ease your obvious nerves.

"mh... my head..."

it was a long night. with the way your head was hurting, it took hours and hours for you to be able to rest at all. in the morning, though, he allowed you to sleep in, even joining you after his ten minutes of being awake.

this became something of a ritual, though he tried to catch things before they got to the point where you were in pain.

he would come home, make sure you ate and drank water, got some rest, and would do anything to help you relax. sometimes he'd hold you on the couch on his lap, other times he'd hold you in bed. hell, one time you fell asleep in the bath while he gave you a glorious scalp massage. of course you returned the sentiment, making sure he got as much rest as possible in the morning, making him breakfast, and calling into his job at times to check up on him.

yes, you two were workaholics. but you two would work through it together.

or

rest.

or

wait no

wait-

[jaesvelvet]

jealousy jealousy — kim junkyu

words: 1.7k words

warning: grammartical errors,idk what i write does it make sense? reader being insecure!

pairing: junkyu+fem reader

notes: i want to publish my jihoon's ff but i haven't finish it yet since my school is starting soon😭 anyway this ff inspired by olvia rodrigo's song, jealousy jealousy (remember you're beautiful just like the way you are!!!🤍)

you couldn't help but grinned as you step into the famous YG building. it feels like a dream come true. you used to be a trainee in a small company for 5 months before decided to left, you realized that you didn't have the talent to be an idol, you're just average on everything, that's all. you gasped when you saw a huge screen in front of the escalator playing blackpink's mv on the screen. YG is that rich exactly like the news said.

"y/n!"

you turn, grinning widely at junkyu, who from the convenience store with some snacks on both of his hands. you waved at him and junkyu laugh in response

"i'm sorry for being late," he said, handing some bread to you

"no it's okay i just got here," you said

you and junkyu are best friends since high school, you're the one who supported junkyu's journey to debut, and junkyu was grateful to have a friend like you, junkyu always convince you to audition at YG but you refused since you now want to focus on your studies. but after junkyu accidentally saw a book full of lyrics song at your desk, he forced you to record one of the songs in his studio and release it on soundcloud so junkyu could promote the song to his fans.

of course, you reject the offer saying you can't sing and you don't want any attention in the university. a medical science student releases a song on a soundcloud, out of the blue, and treasure junkyu promoted her music?? no way!

however junkyu being junkyu, he didn't give up and keep encouraging you to record one of your songs, you didn't need to prepare anything just bring the lyrics and yourself, and the rest, he will work on it. after weeks tried to convince the you, you finally agreed with one term; which is junkyu need to buy you food. a lot of food.

"okay so here it's my studio, um it isn't something to brag about since half of the members have their studio," he said, opening the door of his studio showing his messy studio with a big portrait of treasure on the wall.

"you should clean your studio if you want to impress a girl kyu" you joked, getting a whine from junkyu mumbling that he would never see the world again if he brings a 'girlfriend' over.

junkyu pressed something on his keyboard and bass sound came out, making you flinch, the instrument that junkyu creates is mellow and kinda strident? as soon as you heard the instrument you know which lyrics from your lyrics book would go along and make a perfect song

"i have a perfect song for this" you excited, taking out your black notebook and turn to a back page—clearly the lyrics are fresh from the oven.

"okay i'm gonna play it and you sing the lyrics okay?"

you nodded and sing a little bit of the lyrics

"i kinda wanna throw

my phone across the room

'cause all i see are girls

too good to be true"

"woah! it's perfect" junkyu gasped, amazed at how the instrument he made suits perfectly with your lyrics. you smile, you didn't suprised much since you know how much passion junkyu has in music.

"okay now you eat first, i'm gonna rearrange the lyrics to suit with the melody," he said and get a nod from you. you eat the bread that junkyu bought for you, you also eyeing the studio, it's kinda cold in here cause the space not too big and they put a big ass aircond on top of you.

junkyu notice your quiver, he rolled his eye when you only wearing a thin black shirt material, he scoffs before handing you his pink hoodie that he left in the studio yesterday.

"i won't turn off the aircond so you must wear this hoodie, it's been a week since i wash it," he said in a teasing voice, you frown yet you have no choice to wear the pink treasure hoodie or else, you're gonna die in this cold studio.

you sigh in relief when the hoodie warms your cold body, you side-eyeing junkyu who looks so serious rearrange the lyrics, you then click on the instagram icon, you felt blue as you saw haeri post on your feed— haeri is a popular rich girl in your university, you and her once assigned in a group for an assignment and she is very kind and open about her opinions, she also very serious when it comes to study/work and she is pretty, to your eyes she is like a goddess. she is so pretty, kind, and selfless, and you really lying if you didn't jealous of her. she has a perfect life and you still struggling to get a diploma.

you slowly pressed the screen twice, liking a picture of haeri; wearing a beanie and a mask in a cafe without posing too much, getting 2 thousand likes within 1 hour. you wonder how is it to be like a rich popular pretty girl in university? well, damn sure you will get all of the pretty privileges in your life. you sighed as you realized you're comparing yourself again with haeri. you always remind yourself not to compare yourself to anyone since you're beautiful enough but you can't. the funniest thing is you and haeri didn't even know each other, yet you being so jealous of her life. sometimes you just feel small, you want to be like them.

"y/n!" junkyu shakes your body making you slap his hand

"what!?"

"i called you for like thousand times! you didn't hear me?" junkyu said, stroking his hand that got slapped by you

"oh i'm sorry, im zoning out, you're done rearranging?"

junkyu nodded

"you can listen to the instrument and practice your lyric with it," he said

"okay"

an hour passed, you finally get the tempo, beat, and rhythm right, you grin excitedly as junkyu put the headphones on your head and directing the microphone to you

"you ready?" junkyu asked

"yes i am" with that, junkyu clicked on something and you could hear the instrument, you begin to sing the verse of your song choice.

i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room

'cause all i see are girls too good to be true

with paper-white teeth and perfect bodies

wish i didn't care

you stop singing and look at junkyu curiously making junkyu paused the song and look back at you with a confused look

"why?"

"doesn't singer usually stop singing for producers fix their mistakes?" you asked making junkyu giggle

"yes that's true but you didn't have any mistake, you're doing good, i will pause the music if i have something to fix" he explained, getting an 'oh' from you. you continue singing the song.

i know their beauty's not my lack

but it feels like that weight is on my back

and i can't let it go

com-comparison is killin' me slowly

i think i think too much

'bout kids who don't know me

i'm so sick of myself

i'd rather be, rather be

anyone, anyone else

my jealousy, jealousy started followin' me

started followin' me

as you singing the song that you wrote, junkyu couldn't help but wonder who is the person, you dedicated to? or how you inspired to write this song? this song is obviously about your insecurities about some girl, and you don't even know her! junkyu pout when you felt like this, he knew how insecurities could kill you, back then when he was a trainee he felt insecure with all of the trainees that beat him to debut, he felt he doesn't belong in here but with you and his members on his side, he gained confidence and prove to the world that he is himself and nothing can change that.

all your friends are so cool, you go out every night

in your daddy's nice car, yeah, you're livin' the life

got a pretty face, a pretty boyfriend, too

i wanna be you so bad and i don't even know you

all i see is what u should be

happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy

all i see is what i should be

i'm losin' it, all i get's jealousy, jealousy

you remove the headphone as soon as the instrument stop playing, you handing the headphone without noticing junkyu's face, chaeyul grabbed the water bottle and drink, her throat felt dry after singing a whole song which you have never done in your life, making you wonder how did singer voice so stable when singing live?

"kyu—oh my god why are you looking at me like that?" you take one step back as you saw junkyu looking at you with frowns on his face, you bit her lips was your singing that terrible?

"sit down here" he ordered, you quickly took a seat beside him without saying anything

junkyu grab your hand and rubs it softly while looking at you with his brown eyes.

"what you see is all fake y/n. she living her best life is what you see what you want, but you didn't see her pain, how hard she must through a day in her life, we didn't know if she struggles behind, you also know you can't compare yourself to others right? you're beautiful" he said

"but, i don't know kyu. i couldn't help but felt all jealous of her, i feel like a total loser" you said

“no y/n, you're not a loser! hear me out, you do great, you beautiful and an amazing person, so why do you need to be insecure to a person you never know? everyone is beautiful on their own, you're an original version of yourself and no one else could be you. you are special and unique, you wouldn't know if someone is jealous of your life, a successful medical student who has a great voice. you need to love yourself more, let yourself shine in your spotlight. trust me popular life wouldn't great as you think" he said

you smile at his words

"thank you kyu, honestly, you're right.i didn't appreciate myself enough this past week, hearing you said that making me feel great about myself, i am me, there's nothing anyone could change about me"

junkyu smile and pat your head

"that's my girl"