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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 1 year ago

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We’ve Got A File On You: Evanescence’s Amy Lee

I’m curious about the “Bring Me To Life” demo on this new anniversary edition of Fallen. Is this the exact version that you played for the label before they pushed for the rap part?

AMY LEE: Actually, no.

What’s the timeline on it? Where does it come from?

LEE: We did, like, at least nine demos of “Bring Me To Life.” Because they had decided this was the song that’s gonna be the first single, and we’re gonna put a whole bunch of focus on this breaking-in point. So, they just kept being like, “How about do the whole thing again, but add this?” And they were paying us. It was back in the day when people got artist development, which was actually really cool. So we kind of had to do what they said. [laughs] “OK! Whatever it takes!” We just did that demo a million times, and that one, as far as I can tell, is the last one or one of the last ones before the rap happened. They were already giving us notes at that point, but it didn’t go there. The Daredevil thing hadn’t come up, and we hadn’t had that whole new wave of, “OK, now let’s talk about this whole new idea.” So I felt like that was a good representation of us getting it all the way to another version that you’re not already pretty much hearing on the album.

You’ve been open about your fight with the label about adding a male co-vocalist, and how the guest spot that ended up on that song was the compromise. Is this version that we’re hearing now, this demo, kind of how you still think of the song in your head?

LEE: You know, actually, after all this time, playing the song a million times live, they’re never done growing. Especially when it’s a song like that. We’re always gonna play “Bring Me To Life” at a show. We want it to get better and better. We want it to be interesting. And also, you realize you have moments when the crowd does something. Make space for that. Let’s make extra space. We have a whole new part of it that’s a little bit longer, where we get everybody with their hands in the air. So when I think of the song, actually, I hear it the live way, because that’s the way I’ve heard it the most in my life. And the rap is in there, just, I do the rap, which is pretty fun. It’s not really a rap. It’s such a weird way to call it. Anyway.

A ton of people feel a very strong connection to Fallen. It’s also a snapshot of who you were at 21. Is that kind of strange, to have people feel so intimately connected to this very young version of you?

LEE: Yeah. You know, that was hard for a minute, because it was always really a stress of mine in the beginning to bring them along to the next thing. Because I love making music, and my personal quest as an artist is always about sharing more and more and more, and showing the whole picture of my heart and things that I’ve experienced, and drawing from real life. And there’s just so many colors to a human being, and to the things we experience. It would be impossible at any age to sum up your whole self in one song, or even in one album.

So that was actually my biggest reservation about the idea of having a guest vocalist on the first song, was that if this is our only chance – because that happens all the time, this is the thing that people are gonna hear and it’s all they ever hear of us, which is totally possible – I want our first thing to be the best possible representation. That’s why there’s so much pressure on a first entrance single. It’s like, I have to show you who I am as completely as possible, for a million reasons. One of them being, if you like it, you get the rest of the album and you’re not disappointed. Or if you hate it, it’s like, “Wait, that’s not fair! That’s not it! Please listen, I have more to say!” A lot of that fear was quelled very quickly, because “Going Under” did great, and of course “My Immortal” did great, and we have brought so many fans along. At this point, 20 years later, it’s insane. I am so grateful.

So yeah, that bothered me at first, and I’ve gone through a couple of little moments like that. But I don’t feel like that anymore. We have millions of amazing fans who love our latest album. And I feel really proud of everything that’s out there. And in context, I love Fallen. It’s not that I love it less…actually, I do! I love it less out of context. In context of the whole picture of us, and all of our growth, after all this time, I love it. But if that was our only thing that we had done, it would really bug me. So maybe that’s the reason I can’t stop coming back.

The Early Days Of Evanescence (1994-2000)

You started the band as a teenager. What was the music scene in Arkansas like in the mid-’90s? Did people know what to make of you guys?

LEE: It was different. We were different, even for that. I always saw that as a positive. The time period is part of that. [We were] super influenced by grunge and alternative. Heavier stuff, too. But what was the music scene like in Arkansas? It was what you would expect. Country was big. Hip-hop, pop, whatever was on the radio. Whatever you’re being fed by the top 40. So there’s that world, and then there was this total counterculture death metal scene. So, we obviously didn’t fit into either of those groups. But the death metal scene was a little bit closer. Those were the concerts I went to, in tiny, sweaty, back-of-the-pizza-restaurant clubs and stuff. I definitely learned to have an appreciation for this really heavy, rhythm-driven music, and cool riffs, and double bass pedals.

That’s not where I came from. That’s not my origins in music. I was really into classical. Dramatic classical, and then Soundgarden and Björk and cool, interesting alternative music. So when we did our thing, what was different about us was, first, that we weren’t a live band. It was just me and Ben [Moody]. Kids making music, in my parents’ garage and his parents’ garage and basement. Any basement or garage, or studio we could borrow after hours at my dad’s radio station, or anything like that. And we were recording artists. We were just finding what we could and making sounds. It was more like an electronic duo, and then pulling in band elements was always like, “Who will do a show with us?” And we’d gather up a drummer, and a bass player, and another guitar player, and promise them pizza and play a show. And we got signed [by the BMG-distributed Wind-Up Records] pretty quickly. We’d only played a few shows. It was like, “OK, we’ve got to put a band together, and make this real.” So we really grew up and became a band in front of the world.

It’s a very old-school, major label A&R story, I feel like. You get discovered, you get plucked, and you get brought out to LA. That kind of thing doesn’t really happen anymore in the way it did then. What was that moment like for the band, to kind of be thrown from playing the pizza place, to now, you’re in show business?

LEE: It was tumultuous. It was fighting. It was so much push and pull. It was gratitude, as well, but I felt from a pretty early point that I was constantly having to fight everyone around me to not sell out all of our vision.

So, we got signed, and it was awesome because we didn’t have to do a showcase. Everyone else wanted us to play a live show, and it was like, we’re not really like that. We still have to put this together. And this one label from New York was obsessed with it, and they’d had big success before, and we were like, “OK, we’re doing this.” Just a really rash decision at 19. And then instead of it being like what it sounds like when you say it, which is they flew us to LA, they put us in a cool place, and it’s cool and we’re making this album now. That is what we expected. We thought the album was done. But I have to be grateful now, because what we thought the album was is nowhere near as good as what Fallen ended up being, because they made us do crap that we didn’t want to do and write more music.

We had the freedom of not having to have jobs that would suck all of our energy. We could make our job impressing the label with something great. So, we just worked on writing new songs and demoing songs for a year and a half. And there were rocky moments in there, where we had to fight for our rights, and go home, and there were insults flying around everywhere when we didn’t do everything that they wanted. But all those fights were completely worth it, too. It was just the right combination of saying we’re gonna write more and do more, and also fighting back on the things that would’ve absolutely bastardized this whole thing and made us something that wouldn’t have existed this long.

Joining Korn For “Freak On A Leash” On MTV Unplugged (2006)

How well did you know Korn before they asked you to do that?

LEE: Oh, quite well. I loved Korn. Korn was one of the heavy bands that I loved, and I was so excited as a fan when they wanted to do something with me. We toured, I think, right after that. I think that was one of the last MTV Unpluggeds they did.

I think you’re right. I miss it!

LEE: I do too! It was beautiful. I made up my part the day before, I came in, we ran through it one time, and that’s it. I loved doing it, and then we went on tour together after that, which was cool. And then we did it again 15 years later.

Yeah, you stayed close.

LEE: Yeah. And then we finally did that song live! Because we never did it back in 2007 or whatever, when we first toured together. And this time, I was like, “Are you gonna have me up on that song, or what? Come on!”

The Cure were also a part of that show. Did you get to hang out with Robert Smith?

LEE: Yeah, we were all on the couch together, hanging out backstage. It was pretty amazing.

Singing “Sally’s Song” For Nightmare Revisited (2008)

I saw the Nightmare live show in LA a couple of years ago, and Billie Eilish sang that part.

LEE: Oh, amazing!

It’s cool how that song is kind of becoming a standard for alt-leaning pop singers.

LEE: Yeah! It’s funny you say the word “standard,” because there’s so few [new] Christmas standards. These songs that we’re always going to listen to, they’re all from the exact same era. And I do it too. But The Nightmare Before Christmas is one of those really rare things, where there are holiday songs on that – countercultural, of course – that are gonna live forever.

Yeah, and that belong to a younger generation. Was Nightmare big for you growing up?

LEE: Yes. It came out when I was 11 or 12, which was perfect. I mean, it was perfect. I think Edward Scissorhands was right before that, and I was obsessed with that. That’s one of my favorite scores. And then [Nightmare] came out, and I was really blown away, because I have a big love for stop-motion animation. My first record that I ever bought with my own money was the California Raisins. [laughs]

Wow!

LEE: I have always really loved what we used to call Claymation, but stop-motion animation stuff. And seeing my favorite director [Tim Burton] and my favorite score composer [Danny Elfman] do something that was that, I was a fan for life. Immediately obsessed with it.

How did you end up getting to do “Sally’s Song” for that record? Did you know Danny at that point?

LEE: No, but he was really nice to me. He invited me over to his house. It was a really surreal, cool experience. But [Disney] just asked me. I also did a random song that I don’t know a lot of people know from The Muppets [“Halfway Down The Stairs”] on their Muppets tribute album, but I think that was after that, because they were like, “Hey, that went well, let’s do another one.” But they asked me. I got the call, and I said, “Hell yeah! Please, can I do ‘Sally’s Song?'”

Nightmare – thanks in large part to Hot Topic, I think – is synonymous with a certain strain of alternative fashion. And for a while there, I think Evanescence was as well. I was in high school in the mid 2000s and there was definitely a lot of “the Amy Lee look” in the hallways. Did you ever see yourself as a style icon? Was that something you cared about?

LEE: I really have always been into fashion design. As a kid, it was hard for me to choose a definite career path, because I loved music. I felt like music was my passion, and I had to do music. But I also had a lot of passion about visual art and fashion design. And I have journals full of all of it. And making things, I’ve always made most of the art in our homes. I buy art, too, but I get an idea, and I’m like, “I want that on my wall. Here’s what needs to be here.”

I am so lucky, because what I’ve been able to do is combine all of those things into this job. I get to make my music, which is the center and the focus and the king. That’s the point, but then all around that, from production design ideas to album art ideas. I usually sketch them out before we do an album cover. I have a sketch of every one, where I had an idea, and I was like, “This is what we need to make. This is the title, this is the vibe, these are the colors.” And then with clothes, too, I’ve been making my stage wardrobe forever. Not all by myself, but I design it and I have somebody with a lot more patience than me do the math and help me take it all the way.

Her Children’s Album, Dream Too Much (2016)

Dream Too Much came out in 2016. Your son was born in 2014. I imagine there’s a correlation there.

LEE: Mm-hm, definitely! Making music isn’t always serious. You just sing your way through the day sometimes, and I realized that extra after having a baby, because you just end up filling the space with happy sounds. My husband and I both do it. You’re just singing through the activity, and then it’s like, “That’s kind of funny.” The song “Dream Too Much,” I was goofing around on the guitar, and Jack as, like, a two-year-old was saying those first couple of lines while he was playing. “There’s a monkey in the band!“ He was talking about Curious George, I think. And then, “The muffins are sleeping!“ I was like, “The muffins are sleeping? Awesome, we’re putting that in there.” [laughs]

It was fun to just have an opportunity to let things be goofy and fun, and when you have that subject there, you know exactly how to entertain them. There’s a person to focus on. It’s like, “I’m going to make this the thing that you love.” Including the stop-motion animation, and the instruments that are click-y. He used to love this Nesquik commercial with a STOMP vibe. Everything was pencils on glasses and chicka-chicka-choo-kah stuff. My producer and co-writer friend, Will Hunt – not Will Hunt the drummer [of Evanescence], very confusing – we did that album together, and he’s this super, like, science-y, fun, experimental music guy. We became friends over our love of Björk. He’s like, “Oh, this is great. I have all these weird tubular sticks and junk we can make sounds out of.” And it was just this really fun experience where I got to work with my whole family.

It sounds so naturalistic, or something. It doesn’t sound like the discipline of songwriting. You almost make it sound like you were just goofing around.

LEE: We were having so much fun! That’s what it always should be. I think that’s where good music comes from, is that you’re enjoying what you’re doing and that translates. But there are different paths and ways. It felt like we didn’t have to think so hard and make it complicated for an adult audience. It’s funny, because you make choices that are just natural, and you realize that maybe that’s not such a bad idea in general. There was definitely learning through that experience.

Metalocalypse: Army Of The Doomstar (2023)

I recognized your voice right away, even though you have like two lines.

LEE: I keep meaning to capture the clip and put it on social media somewhere! I want them to hear my voice screaming.

I was looking at your IMDb, and I was somewhat surprised that you haven’t done much voice acting or acting. Was that ever something you were interested in pursuing?

LEE: Always. I’m always asking for the right opportunities to do that stuff. I haven’t always had the best representation, and I think that maybe held me back in the past, when I would have really liked it. I just didn’t have the access that you’d think that I would. But I’m not in that situation now, so I’m always looking for something fun like that, whether it’s voice acting or making music of any kind for a film. It’s interesting the way the film industry and TV industry work. It’s so depressing how often things go so far and then get canned. There are so many things that get half-made and then dumped, and I’ve written music for a lot of those. [laughs] It’s not my fault! Or maybe it is. Maybe I should stay away.

Well, it’s odd, because movies have been woven into the Evanescence story. You mentioned the Daredevil thing, which ended up being so huge for you guys. Did you feel like you were interacting with Hollywood at that time, or did that feel like it was in a separate sphere?

LEE: There were moments. Hollywood doesn’t feel that separate from the music industry in LA. It’s all one big thing to me, in my mind. So going to those awards shows – or, we played the screening party for Daredevil, and all the actors and everybody were there – I definitely felt like we were intermingled in that world in a way that was very surreal. It’s weird. It’s like, “Whoa. Why are we here?”

That’s a great era, the early 2000s, for action movies randomly having a metal song over the end credits.

LEE: Right? [laughs] You’re welcome.

“Goofy Sings Evanescence’s Bring Me To Life” (2014)

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t ask you about the Goofy version of “Bring Me To Life.” I’m told that you’ve heard it.

LEE: I’ve heard it. I’ve heard a lot of things over the years.

When you heard it, what was your reaction to it?

LEE: Not to insult the artist…

Bring it.

LEE: Honestly, I was like “What the fuck is this? This is stupid.” It’s funny. I don’t have a huge response. So many people sent me that. Even more people sent me this recent, the music note thing. There’s this toy that’s a music note, and it’s floating and singing the song. It’s not singing, it’s like [imitates warbling noise]. It’s so bad. My favorite one of those, I will tell you because it haunts me to this day. Somebody worked at Chuck E. Cheese or Showbiz Pizza, and you know the animatronic characters of the band?

Yeah.

LEE: So, after hours, when nobody was there, I don’t know if they work this way or if this person programmed the show. I don’t know if they’re sensitive to sound, so they move their mouths and move around, or if the person programmed it, but they made a light show, and it was dark, and they’re playing the instruments, and they did like three of our songs. In the right state of mind, that’ll give you nightmares. It was horrifying and awesome. And I salute you, sir or ma’am, whoever you are. [laughs]

You’ve got music that’s kind of been absorbed into the broader pop cultural consciousness, and I guess that’s why these things happen. There’s also the Ariana Grande thing on Fallon, where she’s doing a vocal impression of you. Is that kind of stuff surreal? How do you even process that?

LEE: It’s not surreal anymore. When we were starting out, it was. But at this point, living with it for this long, the music kind of just takes on its own life, and you start to see it as separate from yourself. It’s hard to explain. It started out very surreal and strange, and impostor syndrome is very real, but I feel like at this point, I’m where I’m meant to be. It’s amazing and I’m proud. I am ready to accept my fate as goth superstar Amy Lee of the fuckin’ dark-ass band Evanescence.

#amy lee #evanescence #2023 interviews

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bailaconox · 2 years ago

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basically the only photos i took at ateez in toronto hamilton 12.02.22 🤧❤️‍🩹 i had the best day of my entire life yesterday and i cannot thank ateez enough for filling me with so much love and happiness ❤️

just me rambling about my whole ateez concert experience under the cut ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I CANNOT BELIEVE AFTER TEN FUCKING YEARS OF LIKING KPOP I FINALLY GOT TO EXPERIENCE A KPOP CONCERT IN ALL OF ITS UNIQUE GLORY!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST CONCERT IN OVER THREE YEARS AND AFTER THE SHITTIEST FUCKING LUCK WITH TICKETING AND CONCERTS IN GENERAL..... IT ALL FINALLY PAID OFF?????? THE UNIVERSE ALIGNED JUST RIGHT SO THAT I COULD FINALLY HAVE THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY FUCKING LIFE AND THERE IS NEVER A MOMENT I AM NOT EXTREMELY THANKFUL TO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO GIVE ME THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE LAST NIGHT

first ever top tier vip first ever vip ga first ever soundcheck first ever true barricade first kpop concert in person first ateez concert first time everything went about as perfect as i dreamt it would

despite being wristband number 337 i was one person away from touching the barricade, left side of the stage at the corner where the catwalk meets the main stage, so fucking close either san or seonghwa is literally covering me in the crowd photo 🤧😭❤️‍🩹 WHICH IM NOT MAD ABOUT AT ALL THAT FEELS LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING WIN IN MY BOOK!!!!!!!!

the crowd wasnt pushy and agressive and shoving

and i saw ateez with my own eyes in person in real life just a few feet away from me.. they're really real... they are so real and so beautiful and sweet and talented and pretty and funny and amazing and good and wonderful and damn near perfect

god i really dont wanna sound crazy delusional but i really believe seonghwa made Prolonged Eye Contact with me 😳😳😳😳😳😳 like i spent the whole concert no phone except once and i just. was Looking at them. so amazed captivated mesmerized. and i want to believe seonghwa saw me just STARING in a very stunned fashion and made eye contact and just like. smiled laughed a little smirked a lot maybe thought it was funny how i was like 👁👄👁. this at least is the story i built in my head and will choose to believe!

and i dont think it was me he called out but during the part where hongjoong split the crowd and made my side say "break" he said someone forgot and did it like a full two seconds after everyone else aND HE WAS LOOKING WAY TOO CLOSE TO WHERE I WAS STANDING LIKE I DONT THINK THAT WAS ME BUT SOMEONE IN A ONE TO TWO PERSON RADIUS FROM ME DID THAT AND IM SCARED IT WAS ME BC I DONT FUCKDKIEUNG REMEMBER WHAT I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god i made the best call ever though by not taking photos because i just got to LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!! RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my justification is that i absolutely hate looking through any concert videos or pictures i have ever taken for some reason. combined with the fact that 10000000% of why im there is to SEE THEM LIVE IN THE FLESH IN REAL LIFE so i dont wanna end up staring at my phone the whole night bc it wouldnt feel as real as looking at THEM you know???? and every other person has enough concert footage to refresh my memories so im more than happy with that choice! i only took these couple and one video to prove where i was standing in the crowd lmao

as per usual at concerts every moment in line and before the soundcheck was a fucking nightmare but oh my fucking god i got one of the best spots in the whole venue and every part of that show made up for the shit i dealt with about a million times over!!!!!!! i GET it now i GET why people do this i GET why they fight for vip and barricade !!!!!!!! the experience of not only looking directly at them, but KNOWING FOR A FACT THEY SAW ME TOO, is something ill never ever ever get used to.. i feel so fucking grateful for getting so damn lucky.. it was one of the most amazing things i've ever experienced and my god. i want more

but i dont expect all my concert unluckiness to have vanished bc im not financially in a place to arrange the logistics of all that on my own! im not kidding when i said the stars fucking aligned just perfectly to create this entire experience, there were so many tiny things that could have gone wrong or prevented me from going altogether but... for once... for the only time ever in my life up to this point, everything was perfect and i had the perfect day and i got more than i ever dreamt i could.

it felt so special to not just be there for all of my own reasons, but having it be ateez's first time in canada and the last show of this tour. the hello82 video and watching that with them and singing star 1117 was .. magical honestly??? and also made me realize i've never been to a concert before where the artist got super emotional and cried on stage??? but there was more love in that room than i've maybe ever felt in my whole life and there are no words to explain how special and important every single second of that night truly was... and i will never forget how it felt to be there, to finally be there, to be there of all places!!!!!!!!!!

and i love ateez with all my heart and soul. oh my god. i just realized if i started liking them in late august of 2019. i started liking them either right before or right after the last concert i went to. i saw the jonas brothers in august 2019 and i started liking ateez in 2019 and i havent been to a single concert in three whole years until last night. with ateez. and i get it now, why the universe aligned the stars for me, for this. oh my god

#personal #ateez tag #ateez in hamilton #every single millisecond was so incredible i will treasure every moment for the rest of my life

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wolint · 5 months ago

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JEHOVAH JIRE. OUR PROVIDER!

JEHOVAH JIRE. OUR PROVIDER

Genesis 22:6-8.

Jehovah Jireh! The Lord will see; that is, God will ensure that everything necessary for the comfort and support of those who trust in Him is done: this is usually translated as, The Lord will provide! Abraham had great confidence that God “Himself” would provide for his needs.

Remember, up until chapter 22, God had providentially cared for Abraham. But that’s a long way from having God provide food and shelter to believing and trusting that He will provide a “Ram” instead of “your child” for the sacrifice He requested from you. Abraham’s trust in God was rewarded by the provision of the expected ram.

Abraham probably remembered God’s covenant with him, of God’s steadfast promise where He (God) swore an oath by Himself that He would provide for Abraham. God’s promises still stand. He swore by Himself, and He will not go back on His word. Philippians 4:19 says: My God shall supply all your needs.

I have experienced the providential supply of the Lord in such diverse ways and measures that I have come to know and understand the truth and revelation of “Jehovah Jireh” like I know my name. According to His riches—but wait! It’s amazing that God is not providing all your needs according to your strength, your popularity, or your righteousness, and needs, otherwise, a lot of us would perish before our needs are ever met. What a glorious promise! God’s provision is based on His infinite fullness, His untold, unlimited riches through Christ, whose followers we are.

God’s supply can never be depleted, ask the Jews (the Israelites). While Israel was journeying through the wilderness, God never left their side. He protected and provided for them the entire time, see Exodus 13:21. With an estimation of over three to five million people, who made this journey, from Egypt and around the wilderness, including women, children and livestock, God had no challenge or shortage of supplies to meet their daily needs.

Could you trust God in that situation to meet your needs? Whatever they may be? God’s provisions included all the necessary sustenance (food, shelter, clothing, and water) Israel would need during their 40-year sojourn through the wilderness. Exodus 16:12-15 shows that God provided manna and quail and in Exodus 15:25, God gave the Israelites clean water to drink.

During a time of drought, God had ravens delivering food to Elijah. God also provided food for the widow and her son because she was willing to trust that God was speaking through Elijah. Elijah fully trusted the Lord and God provided for all Elijah’s needs in 1 Kings 17.

We can trust God’s goodness, guidance, and shepherding care to do more for us than we could ever achieve on our own. God provides a way for us to develop an intimate, conversational, obedient relationship with Him so that we can lead ourselves and others into a “Psalm 23” quality of life. Those whose shepherd is the Lord can say, “I lack nothing”. God will dispense every requisite blessing of providence, grace, and glory you need to you. God’s provision extends to His ongoing relationship to all His creation, which is deeply dependent on Him, like the Lion in Psalm 104:21. And in Malachi 3:6 the Lord says, “I am the Lord, and I do not change.” Therefore, He will keep His promises.

Trust Jehovah Jireh to provide all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ.

PRAYER: Heavenly Father, I am grateful for all your provision and the promise that every area of my life and needs will be met in you in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Shalom

WOMEN OF LIGHT INT PRAYER MIN."

#spotify #devotional #christianpost #women's ministry #biblestudy #biblestudy christianpost women's ministry #biblestudy christianpost 'women's ministry #conference #family #prayer meeting

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romanshomeonwattpad · 3 years ago

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summary — the reader is new to all things sexual, so her best friend elliot decides to help her out with that.

pairings — best friend!elliot x fem!reader

warnings — angst, cheating, flashbacks, smut, oral (f) receiving, choking, overstimulation, not proof read

authors note — i would like to thank everyone who came along on the ride with me for this series. it’s my first of many, i hope, and am grateful for all the reblogs, likes, and comments. love you.

word count — 5.8k

January 21, 2029

Walking into the cafe shop, you bit your lip in anticipation, searching for the boy in the crowds of people. Your chest swelled when you spotted him, sipping on a coffee, one leg thrown over the other as he scrolled through his phone.

Gulping, you made your way over to him, his eyes snapping into yours as your voice came out shaky, “Elliot?”

And soon as his dark hues met yours, as cliche as it sounded, the world around you stopped spinning. It was like time raced back to seven years ago, where he was just in your arms, making you feel like the only girl in the world. And it felt like nothing had changed—like he was still the same kid that you had fallen in love with.

Your chest soared with warmth and familiarity; he still looked the same. But his hair was shaved down into a buzz cut, and had added on a bit more tattoos onto his hands and neck. His boyish features had faded into a more manly structure, his smile more manly and his eyes more experienced.

He looked at you for a moment, taking in your appearance, then smiled from ear to ear,

“Y/N—hey. I’m uh, I’m so glad you agreed to meet with me,” he stood up, gesturing for you to sit down. You blushed as you took a seat across from him, before he did the same, never taking his eyes off you as he gulped, “How—have you been?”

You sent him an awkward smile, “Good. And you?”

You hated the small talk, knowing there was a deeper reason as to why he had messaged you on instagram to meet up, randomly on a sunday afternoon. The shock that kept hitting you when you saw he had followed you—it was unexplainable. You didn’t think you two would ever speak again, especially with how you ended things.

But that sparkle in his eyes, it never faded, even with age. It stuck with him; which you were thankful for.

“I’m great, just put out a new album,” he rubbed his neck, making you nod.

His music career had taken off. You knew he would become famous; and in the end, you both did. You decided to write a book about self love and preserving a special spot in your life for yourself—and it ended up blowing up and channeling with woman world wide. You attended press conferences regarding your work, and were actually working on your second book at the moment.

You remember one day you had been walking from one of your meetings, spotting Elliot on a billboard, but he had changed his name to Dominic Fike. It was a stage name—but it was as if you didn’t know him. He had completely changed; becoming more charismatic and outgoing. He wasn’t the shy boy you used to be in love with.

And when you searched him up later on, you saw he had nine million followers, tearing the loudest shout from your lips you had ever released. He was pretty well known, and then you searched up interviews. He held himself differently. He was more talkative, open minded, and seemed to be more approachable.

“I saw that you became an author.”

You tapped your heel against the ground, smile growing at the acknowledgment, “I am, yes.”

He bit his lower lip, “I read your book.”

Your eyes rounded, not expecting those words to leave his mouth. His admission made you fight back a big smile, blushing slightly, as your chest rose—titling your head, “I wasn’t expecting that.”

He took a sip of his coffee, shrugging, “I always knew you were going to be a writer. But I didn’t know you were amazing; but I never doubted in my mind you had a way with words,” he complimented, leaving you flustered, “It was pretty long through.”

You chuckled, “I forgot. You prefer writing than reading.”

His eyes flickered.

“Eh—I didn’t have any trouble reading your words.”

You gazed at him, his flirting making all your old feelings crash onto you in tidal waves. He leaned back in his seat, watching you, as if you were the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. And it staid like that for a few moments, until your cleared your throat, tucking your hair behind your ear, “Dominic Fike, huh?”

He grinned at you boyishly, which reminded you of how he used to smile, nodding his head while rubbing his chin,

“My close friends know my real name; but you know, being in the spotlight and all—I wanted to have something for me. Something personal, y’know.”

You understood that aspect, nodding in agreement, listening to his words. God, you missed his voice.

“After we…went our different ways, I only wrote and wrote. Three nights took off as soon as it was posted on youtube, and then I posted an album along with it. There’s a song that’s—about you, actually,” he admitted, piercing his teeth into his bottom lip, uneasiness in his eyes.

You swallowed thickly, shifting in your seat.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, scratching his head, something he did when he was nervous, “It’s called Babydoll. It’s about thinking of someone even though they had been apart from one another for so long, and she’s like, a reoccurring dream. He wished he never lost her.”

You twisted your mouth to the side, remaining silent, as his jaw locked, leaning closer to you. His hand landed on yours, rubbing it gently, and it soothed you, “There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by in the last seven years where I haven’t thought about you, Y/N. And how I wish I could’ve been someone better for you; but there’s only now. And I know what I want.”

Seven Years Ago

You stood there, on your feet, as Elliot stared up at you with those eyes of his. They were rimmed with tears, an ashamed look on his face, as you didn’t say anything. You just looked at him, but your face was enough, filled with disgust and pure heartbreak.

“You’re kidding, right?”

He shook his head, standing up, but you took a step back to distance yourself. You couldn’t believe this—you just couldn’t. It felt like every fiber in your body wanted to fall into his touch, but no, you wouldn’t. You were officially finished with this.

His eyes flickered when you stepped away from him, knowing he had fucked up this time. You never saw him look so vulnerable, “Listen to me—“

“With who?”

“Y/N—“

“With who?” You shouted, tears already rolling down your cheeks. Your teeth gritted as you shoved him, hard, feeling yourself get more and more pissed the longer you looked at him. He kept his hands to his sides, his chest sinking, as you waved a finger in his face, “Tell me. Tell me who you fucked, Elliot. Was it Jules? I swear—“

“It wasn’t her,” he muttered.

You felt like you wanted to pull all the strands out from your head, while throwing up and screaming. Begging him that it wasn’t true—but all you could do was stand there, feeling like an idiot for trusting him. Your muscles ached, and you couldn’t move, fearing that you would fall to your knees if you did so.

Your voice cracked, “Who was it?”

He shut his eyes, squeezing them closed, before looking down at the ground. Fucking coward couldn’t even look at you.

“Rue.”

Shock hit you. He had to have been lying, “She’s in—“

“She got out a few weeks ago, and at that night at the park, she kept texting me over and over again. So that’s why I left—and I…I initially went back to my house where she was waiting to convince her to go back to rehab, since she was clearly still—fuck—addicted. She wanted to runaway with me and go somewhere where we could do drugs…”

Every time he spoke, you felt yourself wanting to sob, but instead placed a hand over your mouth. He didnf deserve to see you like this. Frankly, you didn’t even really wanna give him the time to explain, but you needed clarity. You needed to know who betrayed you.

And it was one of your best friends.

He paused for a second, hand falling to his side, as he shut his eyes again for the next part, “…I was so fucking high, Y/N. She kissed me—and I thought it was you…but when I realized it wasn’t, it was already over and—“

You held a hand up, not wanting to hear anymore. Spinning around, you finally let out a cry, muffled by your palm. Your chest shook as his words kept ringing in your ears, an indescribable pain of agony constantly flooding in your bloodstream.

He sniffled behind you, “I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did,” you spat, turning your body to face him. You laughed coldly, “You always hurt me, Elliot. For fucks sake, you can’t even say you love me. You’re just a coward—and I’m done. I’m so fucking done with you—“

He shook his head, “You don’t mean that.”

Your bottom lip shook, raising your brows, “I do. I promise I do,” you tone was venomous, stepping so close to him, your nose was almost touching his, “You are dead to me. You don’t even exist to me anymore, Elliot. You are fucking dead to me.”

He was trembling, eyes narrowing as his brows furrowed.

“This isn’t you talking.”

Your lips tightened, “No…you’ve just never seen me not being in love with you. And now you are.”

And that hit him. Hie entire expression fell, his eyes flashing, as his voice came out uneven,

“You—don’t love me anymore?”

Of course you did. Every single bone in your body grew for him; and you didn’t know what you were going to do without him. He was like your personal supply of oxygen, and he really did save you.

But you were mad. And you weren’t going to let him in this time—not after betraying you.

You sent him a cold, empty look, “Love you? I fucking hate you. Looking at you disgusts me. You—disgust me.”

He gulped, a tear rolling down his cheek, but he quickly wiped it away before sniffling and wiping his nose. Your mouth twisted, “You treat me like a hooker. You fucked me one more time just because you knew I would leave after this,” you continued, jabbing a finger into his chest, “You are a bad person, Elliot. And I hope you find a way to live with yourself knowing you hurt the only person that will ever truly love you. Because after they find out who you really are—they’ll run for the fucking hills.”

And then you turned around, slamming the bedroom door shut behind him, everything feeling like slow motion. He didn’t beg you to stay; because he knew he didn’t deserve you. He had no right.

You heard him let out a shout, before hearing things crash in his room, flinching as you made yourself keep walking without turning back. And then more shouts, more punching of the walls, and more crashes. And you ached to turn around, to forgive him, but it was over.

He had betrayed you. He was a traitor.

But you also knew that you wouldn’t ever love someone as much as you loved him.

To say you were handling the breakup well, or whatever it was, was a complete

fucking

lie.

You were lying your head on Kat’s lap, plotting the murder of the stupid wench Rue, while letting out jarbled cries that didn’t make sense. You were pretty sure she didn’t understand half of what you said, but agreed anyways, running her fingers through your hair as she tried to calm you down.

When I say you spent countless hours telling her the same story over and over again, she acted like she was surprised, even matching your mood swings. One moment you’d be crying and shitting your pants, then another minute you’d be screaming and punching the air pretending it was Elliot, and then a few seconds later acting like you were over the situation.

And then you’d imagine his stupid face..and begin crying again.

The process repeated.

“I think you should write,” Kat advised you, as you banging your forehead against the cold wall, as if you were a lifeless zombie, “—just fucking write. Write down your emotions, everything. Shit; it could be like a death note kinda thing,” she muttered, taking a hit from her vape.

But she was right. You should write. It was one thing that helped you cope, and was the safest option.

You debated on drugs, but Kat snapped you out of it.

“You’re too good for that. It’ll only make him win in the end—since you’ll be miserable even while on them. Become independent.”

So you crossed that option out, and decided to just write. And when you arrived back home, you grabbed a stack of white papers, and began to write every single thought in your mind. And then the stack became bigger…then bigger…

And then you did that for a few months.

You wrote, and wrote, and with words of encouragement from Kat, made it into a book and sent in the manuscript to a publishing company. When you received a call from Corps Publishing Ink, asking if they could represent you as an author, you must’ve jumped on ever single wall in your house.

You graduated, barley, Elliot only being in your mind once a day. He wasn’t around, since he had flown off to New York, and you began to focus on yourself and yourself only. Surprisingly, your parents were very proud of you for making something of yourself, which made a sense of accomplishment rise within you.

Moving to Seattle after making enough money from your book, you worked as a barista at a local coffee shop while also earning income from the readers of your book. You even went on a few talk shows, speaking about The Fundementals of Loving Yourself, which was the title of your work. And with the amount of attention it got, you began to build a large following on your socials as well.

And for the last few years, you did have flings, but nothing serious. You weren’t ready to open yourself back up to someone again—not ever since that happened with the only person you’ve ever loved.

Then, one day, you had gotten a notification from someone. During a meeting, your thumb swiped across the screen, and your heart must’ve dropped into your ass.

Dominic Fike ✅ followed you!

The name being familiar, you scrolled through his pictures, and it was like you went on a time machine. He had looked exactly the same; the boy you were head over heels for in high school. He was still goofy and accentric with his style and clothes, but even more bewildering, was that all the comments under his posts were made by teenage fan girls.

Your eyes study the gushing quotes.

allisontrehassan: so hot

user7392827 : have my babies pls and thank u

macktriller : love the new album bro !!

thatbitch : i wanna suck yo dick so bad grr

A small laugh left your lips at the last one, covering your mouth as you followed him back then shut your phone off. It’s not like he would message you, right? He probably just followed everyone he used to know.

Dominic Fike ✅ messaged you!

You froze as your phone vibrated, almost dropping it onto the table as your face flushed. Opening your phone, you read the message, all sir leaving your lungs.

Dominic Fike ✅

didn’t think you’d follow back, lol

Dominic Fike ✅

how’ve you been??

You didn’t know how to respond. You blinked down at your phone, before your coworker tapped on your shoulder, making you shut your phone off, “Hey—you okay?”

You mumbled a quick yes before excusing yourself to the bathroom, instantly pulling your phone back out and typing away a response.

Y/N Y/L/N Official ✅

i’m good, i’m at work. how are you?

He opened the message quickly, the small seen being displayed beneath your text, making a smile grow onto your lips. You were so nervous, hands shaking as you leaned against the sink, looking down at your phone with angst.

Your phone vibrated in your hands.

Dominic Fike ✅

i’m good, thank you.

Dominic Fike ✅

i’m in seattle right now. maybe we could meet up this weekend if you’re free?

Biting your lip, you responded.

Y/N Y/L/N Official ✅

i’m free saturday afternoon

Dominic Fike ✅

saturday it is

Dominic Fike ✅

🙈

And then here you two were, sitting across from each other, his hand on yours as he looked at you like how he used to. It was nostalgic, being apart for so many years but as soon as you reconciled, everything felt the same. Well, before that night occurred.

He looked handsome. A white t-shirt that contrasted with his tank skin, a graphic picture of a river on the front, a pair of light blue washed jeans finishing it off.

“There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by in the last seven years where I haven’t thought about you, Y/N. And how I wish I could’ve been someone better for you; but there’s only now. And I know what I want.”

Your eyes flew to his hand on yours, then back up to his eyes, but he didn’t move it. His eyes bored into yours as he waited for you to say something, but they slightly dimmed as you pulled your hand back down to your lap, chuckling nervously, “That’s—That can’t be true. I’m sure you’ve seen other people.”

“Of course I have, but none have ever made me feel the way you have,” he told you truthfully, pulling his hand back down to his own lap as well, “When you texted me back…it felt—good. It felt good to know that you’ve been thinking of me as I have of you.”

You rubbed your hand up and down your thigh, biting the inside of your cheek as he added on in a more low tone, “You showed up when you didn’t have to. That means something; you and I both know it means something, Y/N.”

“Of course it does, but it doesn’t change what you did. Time doesn’t change anything, Elliot,” you muttered, pushing the chair back and getting up. His eyes rounded as you shook your head, “I should go. I think this was a mistake.”

He was going to say something, but you quickly walked out the shop, wind blowing in your face as you gasped for breath. Just as you were about to call for a taxi, you felt a hand grip your wrist, spinning you aroun to face him. His cologne hit your face as his eyes were soft,

“Let me take you home at least.”

“El—“

“Please.”

You couldn’t deny those puppy dog eyes of his.

You pressed your lips together, and with a small sigh, caved in, “Okay.”

“How’s that one girl…” he snapped his fingers, “Kat?”

You pulled your skirt down, looking out the window as you grew timid, “She’s good. She’s a plus sized model actually.”

“Really? That’s dope.”

“Yeah.”

Too many memories kept flooding back. How he used to drive with you, how you two would do things in his car…jesus. You heard him chuckle, looking over at him as he smiled at the road, “I remember how you used to always criticize my driving. Pretty sure you were near tears one time.”

Your brows drew together, “You were a horrib—no I’m sorry, you are a horrible driver,” you teased, him stealing a small smirk from you, making him chuckle once again as you rolled your eyes, “Pretty sure you ran over a rat or something one time.”

“Eh—who’s gonna miss a rat?” He mused, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. You laughed softly as your chest rose, him sending you a once over before looking back at the road,

“You’re still so beautiful. Look exactly the same.”

You blushed, looking down at your lap, lips tightening as you let out a girlish giggle. You hated the power he had over you. Fiddling with your fingers, you mumbled a, “I hate you.”

“You don’t,” he replied swiftly, a smirk on his lips as he glanced at you, “I know you don’t.”

“And what if I do?”

The GPS ended, making him park beside your apartment, before shutting the car off. He shifted his body to face you, eyes swirling with something hidden. His tongue poked out to wet his lips, before leaning closer to you, his warmth hitting your body, “Do you really?”

Your smile slipped, blinking as his hand stretched out, reaching to cup your jaw. Electricity sparked in your body as his thumb circled your cheek, voice raspy as he inches closer.

“Because I think you still love me.”

Your eyes danced to his lips, his eyes on yours, as the tension began to pull you two in more towards one another. Your chest began to heavily rise and fall as he paused right in front of your lips, his hot breath fanning them, as if waiting for you to protest or push him off.

And when you didn’t, his lips pressed against yours.

It felt like you were floating. Fireworks sprang in the air as every single memory of you two together meshed into one, fueling your drive, as both of your hands flew to his cheekbones. One of his hands staid on your jaw, the other moving to your thigh, as he ran his tongue over your bottom lip, swiping across the surface as your teeth clashed against one another’s.

Inhaling sharply, your hormones took over you. You wanted all of him; even though you knew it would hurt later on. But it was so intoxicating; his taste, his smell, his touch. You wanted to rip his clothes off and have your way with him.

But when your hands touched his belt buckle, he grabbed it, before pulling away. Your eyes rounded when he gripped your thigh tightly, clearing his throat, “I wanna take you out to dinner. I need—to make it up to you. I don’t wanna just hookup.”

You swallowed thickly, taken aback by his words.

His eyes studied your features.

“Let me take you out to dinner tomorrow, Y/N.”

Your jaw clenched, a bit annoyed since you were fucking horny and wet, but his words warmed your heart. But you didn’t trust him; and didn’t give in easily.

“I don’t know—“

He pecked your lips, before leaning over and opening your door, sending you a smile as you rose your brows at him, “I’ll be here tomorrow at five. If you don’t show up, then I’ll leave and never speak to you again, if that’s what you want.”

Taking in his words, you could only nod, before climbing out the car and shutting the door. He sent you once last glance before driving off, leaving you to comprehend what had just happened.

You kissed Elliot.

The person who cheated on you.

And you liked it.

You still loved him, and wanted to go to dinner with him.

Grabbing your phone from your purse, you dialed down a number, before holding it up to your ears while walking into your apartment. The sound of Kat’s voice rung through the device, “How did it go?”

You had told her about him contacting you, and was actually the one who encouraged you to go. She said that as much as she hated him, she loved you, and knew you secretly wanted to see him again; and told you to tell her every single detail afterwards.

“Kat,” you breathed, “We kissed. He told me he had feelings for me still—and then he kissed me.”

She practically screamed into the phone, the two of you speaking for about two hours what you should wear and what to do. She warned you about trusting him, since she remembered how heartbroken you were last time, which made shivers go down your spine. But you promised you were more mature now, and knew how to handle your feelings.

You didn’t trust Elliot, but you were willing to give him another chance. He had grown up, and possibly changed, and you both had enough time to heal from your past experiences.

Besides, you would regret turning his offer down.

He kept to his word, picking you up at the given time, complimenting you with wide eyes at the tight black dress that tugged your hips. You sent him a smirk before getting into his car, and drove to the restaurant.

Once you were both seated, you admired everything. It was filled with extravagant looking people, walls decorated with silk linen and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. Waiters dressed in tuxedos, zooming around to serve all the rich guests, the fluorescents didn’t do justice to the man across from you.

He looked handsome, a black collared long sleeve and a pair of black slacks was his outfit. You placed your purse on the table before resting your chin in the palm of your hand, making him shift in his seat, as he sipped on the wine he had ordered for the two of you, “It’s weird seeing you like this.”

Your brow rose, “Like what?”

His eyes glinted.

“A woman. A stunning woman.”

Rolling your eyes playfully, you sipped on the bitter alcohol, rolling down your throat, “You still know how to charm me, Elliot.”

He chuckled, “I don’t even try to. It’s like so easy with you—I don’t have to worry about what I say. I know you won’t judge.”

Smile quirking onto your lipstick smeared lips, the waitor came to take your orders, Elliot ordering a medium rare steak while you wanted a burger, before he left again.

You heard him snort, making your eyes narrow, “Hm?”

“Only you would order a burger at a five star restaurant,” he teased, making your cheeks heat up. He didn’t think of his next words before taking another sip of the dark liquid,

“One of the reasons why I love you.”

Your body stiffened at his declaration, his own shoulders turning frigid as his eyes quickly flew to yours. Your brows furrowed as his cheeks tinted into a fair pink, lips opening, but closing as he gulped.

Your voice was uneven, “You never said that before.”

His face was blank.

“What? That I love you?”

You nodded stiffly, making him bite his lip, “I’ve always loved you. I was just—too scared before. I got into my own head. What I felt for you, it was so much, that if I said it out loud; I was afraid you would completely make me under your power,” he explained, his voice getting more quiet, “—but the day I left, it made me realize that I was already too far gone when it came to you.”

You began to spiral again.

“That day..did you really mean it when you said you didn’t love me anymore?”

You sent him a sad smile, “Of course not. I never stopped. But I needed to put myself first—and I couldn’t do that if I stayed with you.”

He nodded, and then your food came. There was a peaceful silence as you ate, but then, you cleared your throat once again as you placed your fork onto the plate, “I listened to that song. Babydoll—was it? It’s really good,” you complimented, making his cheeks and nose turn pink, “If it was really about me, then I should have you thank me for having you write such a masterpiece.”

He chuckled, shaking his head as he chewed, “Pretty sure a lot of songs are about you.”

Letting out a snort, you finished up before heading back into his car, and driving back to your place. The drive was pretty quick, and soon enough, he was walking you to your front door. He kept his hands to his sides, like a gentleman, as you stood with your back to the door.

It appeared he didn’t wanna scare you off, keeping his distance, and you mustered up a small smile, “Wanna come inside? I’d like to talk a bit more about what happened.”

He smiled, before nodding, and he followed you inside. You watched as he looked around with his eyes, “Your place is nice,” he complimented, running the pads of his fingers against your wall, “Reminds me of you. You’re the only person that can’t color coordinate, so.”

“Fuck you,” you laughed, taking a seat in your coach, and he did the same, beside you. His arm slung over the top of it as he faced you, your chest turning warm when he stretched his hand over to your jaw, rubbing it gently,

“You’re so fucking pretty. Didn’t think you could get prettier.”

Your smile faded, leaning into his touch, feeling your core tighten as he licked his lips. His thick lashes fluttered as he gazed into your eyes,

“I really wanna kiss you right now.”

You took the jump, “Then do it, rockstar.”

And that’s all he needed to hear. He practically jumped onto you, both of his hands holding your cheeks as your lips molded into one. You both panted as you pulled down the straps of your dress, his own unbuttoning his shirt before tossing it onto the floor. You crawled on top of him, hands running all over his sculpted chest, feeling him build more muscle than before.

He nipped at your neck, before rolling down to your breasts, wrapping his plump lips around one of the buds, “So fucking sweet,” he grunted, your eyes shutting as you moaned his name, “You have the best tits ever, baby. I swear to fucking Christ himself.”

Your fingers tugged at his short strands, grinding on his clothed cock, which hardened beneath the fabric, “Fuck me,” you whispered, tugging at his belt, “Come on.”

He chuckled at your whining, lifting his hips as he took off his pants and boxers. You licked your lips at the sight of his engorged head, wanting to capture it in your mouth and have it hard against your tongue, but you couldn’t wait any longer. You had been waiting for seven years.

“Sit on my fat cock,” he growled, one of his hands flying to your throat as he squeezed; teeth gritting, “Show me what skills I taught you, baby. Show me how you ride this dick.”

One of his hands tapped his pink too against your puffy clit, making you roll your hips, feeling so horny you felt you were going to explode, “Fucks sake, Elliot, put—ah!”

You both gasped, never breaking eye contact, as he rose his hips to sink into you. Your brows rose as you let out a small cry, his large hands covered in rings squeezing at your thighs, “There we goo. Sink onto that cock for me, pretty girl. Just like that. Wanna feel your cunt try to push me out.”

Beginning to bounce, his thick shaft stretching your walls, your moans began to fill the walls of your apartment. His head tipped back against the arm rest of the couch, watching you with hooded eyes, as you rode him to your climax.

Your chest heaved as his thumb pressed onto your pearl, “Gotta feel you cum around me, Y/N. C’mon,” he urged, planting his feet onto the cushion flatly before slamming his hips into yours. Your face twisted as you felt the knot inside of you snap, coming already, as a hitch pitched scream tore from your bruised lips,

“I’m coming—Elliot!”

“Good girl,” he huffed, smiling lazily as he kept fucking you through your orgasm. He didn’t stop though, even when you came down, flipping you onto your back as he slapped a hand over your mouth, going faster and harder, making you shout against his palm as he dipped into your neck to suck on the flesh. His thrust were erratic, your nails dragging down his back, making him kiss as you swore you might’ve drew blood.

Your neck was swore from his teeth as he pulled back, your eyes crossing as his fingers pinched your sensitive, beet red clit, “Look at you, such a fucking cock slut f’me, hm? Letting me fuck you just because I took you to dinner. So fucking stupid, my stupid baby.”

Your muscles tightened as he pressed down on your tummy, raising his brows, “Feel me in here? Feels good, doesn’t it?”

You nodded, tears brimming in your eyes as you lunged into your second orgasm, eyes crossing as he chuckled at how hard you were coming. But then his laughing turned into a long moan, coming with you, his climax hitting him hard as he pulled out—releasing all over your abdomen, “Shit, fuck, I’m coming.”

He fisted his cock, white come flying from his tip. After he rode it out, brows furrowed and pink lips parted into breathy pants, sweat trickling down his abs, you licked your lips at the sight. His chest heaved as he sunk to his knees, making your brows furrows, and scooped a finger into the cum and shoved it into your mouth, without asking.

But your tongue swirled around his digit, making his eyes sparkle, before giggling when he mumbled a low fuck.

About to get up, he gently pushed you back down, before his tongue ran a stripe up your slit. Your eyes rounded when he reached your swollen clit, before wrapping his lips around it, sucking harshly while never looking away from you, “Elliot—I can’t—“

“Take it like I know you can,” he mumbled, before flicking his tongue against the bud, making your fingers fly to his hair before rolling your hips into his mouth. Your teeth gritted as he kept sucking on it, then slightly bite down, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as the pain sent you off the edge, “Holy shit—I’m—I’m—“

He hummed, your come coating his tongue as your entire body froze, letting go in his warm muscle. He lapped up all the come from your pussy, before pecking your clit, making you jolt as he chuckled, kissing the inside of your thighs as he rubbed the skin soothingly, “You okay?”

You nodded, eyes hooded, as you began to grow tired. Elliot stood up, slipping back into his boxers, glancing at you again to make sure you weren’t sore or hurt. He grabbed the blanket that was slung over the other coach, before placing it onto your small figure, running fingers through your hair as he watched you fall asleep.

“You gonna be here when I wake up?” You murmered, and you missed the smile that grew onto his lips.

“Of course. I’ll be here for as long as you want me to, Y/N. Always.”

And then he chuckled to himself, finding it bizarre he met the love of his life by giving her sex lessons.

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thefirsttree · 3 years ago

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A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind… I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

#gamedev #indie games #the first tree

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emiewritesthings · 4 years ago

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project parenthood (1) - jay halstead

jay halstead x fem!reader/voight!reader

series summary: a series in which y/n and jay are faced with the highs and lows that parenthood has to offer.

part summary: in which y/n and jay welcome a long awaited member of their family.

masterlist

y/n had been through enough in life to know what pain feels like. whether it was physical pain, like the multiple times she had been shot, or emotional, like the death of her mother, she had experienced it all. well that’s what she thought, was until 19 hours when she was wheeled into the maternity unit with what felt like waves of knives and shards of glass crashing against the shore of her body and a rather excited boyfriend that couldn’t stop talking as he followed with a smile.

sweat was beading on her forehead with every second she laid there with her legs raised and her hands clamped around jay’s as if they were stress balls that would provide some sort of relief to what she was feeling in that moment. for the past few months she had read on the parent forums, which jay introduced her to surprisingly, about other women’s experiences with childbirth. she had seen videos and photos that had scarred her for the rest of her life, but no one seemed to capture the exact feeling that she was going through in that moment.

“okay another big push, y/n!” the midwife called over the mother to be’s heavy breaths from where she crouched down at the opposite end of the bed. the whole experience would normally have made the young woman feel incredibly awkward and embarrassed, but it was hard to focus on the fact that a group of strangers were staring at her naked bottom half as she used all the power in her body to provide a push.

“I swear to god I'm gonna kill you for doing this to me, halstead!” with her eyes clutched shut, and a cry leaving her lips, she was still able to deliver the threat with the same fiery edge that she would when she was patrolling the streets with Kim or interrogating some low lives back at the precinct. y/n wasn’t sure what she was expecting from the man she loved with her entire soul, but what she hadn’t considered was to hear the sweet chuckle that left his lips.

as her body collapsed from the push she had delivered, y/n didn’t hesitate to peer over to her left to provide a playfully harsh glare at the brunette that had the same admiration in his eyes that he had ever since they admitted their feelings for the other all those years ago.

“it’s nice to know that even in this state, you still maintain your voight ‘I'll kick your ass ‘cause I can’ reputation.” jay teased, causing a grateful grin to plaster itself on y/n’s lips for long enough that jay felt like he wasn’t completely helpless. he hated seeing one of the strongest women he had ever met in so much pain, but was appreciative that even if he couldn’t take her pain away, he could still cause a smile that could cause the entire city to fall to its knees.

“preparing to teach our baby their family roots.” y/n joked, her dried lips pulling up into a smile as she studied the face of one detective jay halstead. everything had been so hectic leading up to this moment that she couldn’t remember the last time she had just looked over his soft features. the love of her life. the soon to be father to her baby. her jay.

“I must be crazy to even consider trying to control one and a half voights.” leaning over to grab the pot of ice cubes that a nurse had handed them when y/n was first emitted, he gently brought one up to his lips, carefully placing it on her tongue as she parted them.

“been telling you that since we met. some people just never learn.” she hummed, nearly completely forgetting about what she was doing. however like every sweet moment, it quickly came crashing down when the midwife requested for her to push again. it was almost like a slideshow as the joy in y/n’s eyes was quickly swapped out with fear and exhaustion, her bottom lip trembling as she tried to get ahold of herself to stop her from crying.

“hey, hey,” jay whispered, pushing himself up from his chair so his body was positioned in a way that blocked her sight from the hospital staff, instead her eyes were locked on the green of a forrest she had explored and would continue to explore for years to come. “you are doing amazing. I'm so proud of you, okay? now I know you are tired and in pain, but we are so close to meeting our baby. just a little longer.” hesitantly, y/n nodded her head, ignoring the tears that slid down the side of her face.

“are you ready, y/n?” feeling jay press another kiss onto her knuckles, y/n mumbled out a noise of agreement. y/n wasn’t sure exactly how long she was pushing for, it felt like hours, days even, but it couldn’t be that long for the light still shone through the window as she pushed one final time followed by loud cries that were unmistakably her child's.

“it’s a girl!” someone, y/n wasn’t sure who, called out as the staff fussed with the small bundle of red skin and dark hair. the announcement caused a small sob of happiness to leave the couple’s lips, jay squeezing the hand of his girlfriend with the same force she had when she was delivering their little girl.

“did you hear that, a baby girl. you did it.” jay was brought to tears as he too listened to a sound that he would be getting used to for the years to come. bringing his thumb of his spare hand towards her face, he quickly flicked the tears off her cheek before planting a passionate kiss against her lips, melting into them for moment before pulling back, resting his forehead against her sweaty one. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” she whispered, before a clearing of the throat parted them, revealing a midwife holding their baby, their girl, their daughter. pulling the hospital gown slightly, the child’s bare skin was pressed against her mother’s the sight of such a delicate, fragile human being made y/n’s cries increase, her and jay had really creating someone so beautiful. she couldn’t quite believe she was finally here.

“congratulations, she’s beautiful.” the midwife sung, watching as y/n and jay greeted the long awaited guest to their new family.

“just like her mother.” jay mumbled into y/n’s hair, as he pressed his lips against her head gently, taking a seat besides her on the bed. y/n looked up at him with a look that spoke a million words without her even parting her lips. this was it for her, she finally found what she had been implicitly looking for her entire life. happiness.

it hadn’t even been an hour by the time the room was cleared out and both mother and daughter were in the wonderful world of sleep. jay had been dozing off in the chair besides the bed, however every now and then he couldn’t help but check to make sure the two most important women in his life were okay. his flickering between sleep and consciousness seemed to break when he heard a knock at the door and was greeted by a familiar red head.

“so a girl, huh?” will whispered, not wanting to wake up his as good as sister in law or the baby. pushing himself out of the chair, jay joined his brother by the edge of the bassinet, glancing down at the newest halstead. “lucky she looks like her mom, huh?” will joked, slightly nudging his brother’s ribs with his elbow. jay chuckled lowly. “you got a name for the little rugrat yet?”

“not y-.” jay started but failed to finish for before he could another voice answered over him, causing both men to turn their heads to face the young women laid in the bed drowsily.

“actually, I think we do,” pushing herself up on her arms, she swatted away jay as he attempted to move to help her. “I was thinking what about the name Sophie Camille Halstead. I know I never met you mom and you never met mine but I like to think they are up there together cursing us out for not even considering naming our first daughter after the pair.” y/n giggled, however the look on jay’s face was not filled with humour but instead shock. when they chose not to find out the gender of the baby they had briefly talked about names, but never had they mentioned their past mothers. tears pooled at the bottom of his eyes before he pushed forward to wrap his arms firmly around her body.

“I love it,” jay mumbled. “I love you.”

“love you too.”

“look I don’t want to spoilt this moment, but currently the waiting room is being taken up by the entire 21st precinct that had been waiting hours for any news.” will informed the couple, that both gave the other a look that had them both picturing the chaos that was happening just down the hall.

“you should go, take Sophie and introduce her to her family.” y/n insisted, glancing over at the baby that still was very much asleep, before returning her gaze towards a skeptical looking jay. “I insist, there is no way I am moving out of this bed until they force me out. tell my dad to come in and that I will see the rest of them tomorrow or something. now go and show off our little girl.” the smile that spread across her face was enough convincing for jay who carefully picked up the blanket wrapped bundle of warmth, before following will out of the room.

as they made their way through the hallway, jay could hear the chaos kicking off from behind the double doors. voight’s deep voice could be heard shouting at someone that was clearing irritating him, probably Adam, and trudy who yelled for someone to give them some sort of update.

as the door finally opened, all attention was turned towards jay and his Sophie as a few gasps and murmurs could be heard. clearing his throat, he quickly readjusted his holding of the baby, before facing the crowd.

“I'd like to formally introduce the 21st newest recruit, Sophie Camille Halstead.” he announced with a permanent smile etched into his lips, meeting voight’s eyes he watched as the walls of steel that usually stood strong and tall fell at the sight of his granddaughter. as jay was suddenly flooded by friends and colleagues asking questions, he couldn’t quite bring himself to move his gaze away from his daughter, that he vowed to protects, as well as her mother, for as long as he shall live.

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mariesocuniverse · 3 years ago

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Statement

[Part Six]

Article written by Kim Seokjin

Published: June 26, 2018

As of June 26, SM Entertainment have finally taken action against 22-year-old Park Haewon, the person who had spread rumors about NCT member, Mae.

Previously, Dispatch has released an article about Mae, where 'H', now known to be Park Haewon, where she attested to bad behavior at their previous agency, Sunlight Entertainment.

Sunlight Entertainment, which had been closed due to bankruptcy in 2014, aimed to be a music company, hoping to produce a new girl group that same year.

After police investigation and testaments from both Mae and other sources, it had been clear that all the claims against Mae were false, and that it was, in fact, Haewon who acted out of line during their time in the company.

SM Entertainment had aquickly taken action against her and she is now facing two years in prison and a fine of up to $20 Million KRW.

Here is the statement from Mae:

"This is Kang Miyoung,

First of all, I would like to apologize to everyone who has been upset with me. I understand all the feelings of this reveal and I hope everyone can forgive me for hiding all of this. I cannot, however, stand for the misinformation spread about me. While I do not deny the fact I was indeed a trainee part of Sunlight Entertainment, I was not on bad behavior.

As a child, I had always had a love for music, wanting to be a part of the spotlight and perform. Joining Sunlight Entertainment was a dream at first, especially since I was 13 at the time, but I soon figured out it was the opposite. Even now, debuted as a member of NCT, nothing so far has come close to what I had experienced there.

The training were rigorous and there were barely any breaks. From sunrise to sunset, it was all work. Nobody, not even the staff, enjoyed being with me and didn't even try to hide it. From the company building to the dorms I stayed it, it felt like hell. Something a 13 year old should never have to endure.

It got so much that when I left, I didn't have any energy to do much, and I wouldn't have even considered joining another company until I was approached by SM Entertainment.

For that, I am extremely grateful. As NCT's Mae, I am able to enjoy music once again, and share it with all the people I love. I hope everyone can forgive me for causing all this trouble in the first place.

Thank you."

Along with this letter, SM Entertainment has also released a statement regarding what will happen to Park Haewon.

"This is SM Entertainment,

Recently, Dispatch has published an article involved our artist Kang Miyoung, more known as the NCT member Mae. While Mae hasn't denied her association with the company, she has revealed that she didn't behave as was shown, more the opposite. These illegal allegations will be taken seriously and has been taken to court, where it was dealt with properly.

We assure all that Mae is cared for by everyone, and that no harm had be put onto her in her time in our company. The staff and NCT members are always on their best efforts to keep her happy and healthy.

We would, once again, like to inform all that defamation is a real and illegal action, worthy of legal action. We have reports received daily from tip-off email (protect@/smtown.com) and are confirming those reports.

We will continue to defend and support Mae, as well as our other artists, and do our best to protect their safety. We hope to help them grow and improve themselves as performers.

We would also like to restate that strong action will continue against any criminal legal action, including this one.

Thank you"

#24th member of nct #nct 24th member #nct female oc #nct female addition #nct au #nct 127 female addition #nct 127 female member #nct dream female member #nct dream female addition #kpop female addition #nct addition

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dothwrites · 4 years ago

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spn15 spec, destiel, post 15.18, mcd?? sort of???

---

And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend.--Antoine de-Saint Exupery, The Little Prince

---

Castiel opens his eyes in nothingness.

It’s not dark, though the air which presses around him is thick onyx. There is neither gravity nor weightlessness here. Castiel exists but he does so in a void so barren that he doubts his own mind. He opens his mouth to call out, but no sound escapes.

Castiel exists in ignorance for one, glorious moment. Then the weight of memory crushes into him. His chest buckles underneath the pressure. He tries to scream, but the vast emptiness swallows the sound.

---

“Cas, we can fight this!”

Dean, his Righteous Man, Dean, the shining beacon, his friend...The first real friend he’d ever made. Dean is ready to fight. Dean would fight God, has indeed fought God. But he can’t fight this.

The door shudders in its frame. Blow after blow rains down on the weakening wood. Already, the wood is splintering under the assault. The thin strip of light at the bottom of the door disappears underneath a sea of writhing black. The Empty is here. It wants what it was promised.

“Dean,” he says. He intends to say much more--It’s too late, let me go, thank you--but his voice cracks on the single syllable of Dean’s name.

He wants to stay. God help him, but he wants to stay.

“No, dammit Cas! You don’t get to give up! We can fight this thing, we can keep running, we can...” Dean’s voice trails off into nothing as he looks wildly around the small room.

Though he might protest, Castiel knows that Dean is a man bailing out a sinking ship. In his heart, Dean knows the battle is already lost. But he’s still defiant, still clinging to the faintest shred of hope.

Castiel loves him for that.

“You fought for the whole world.” Castiel’s voice is weak and pale against the ear-shattering thunder of the Empty’s attempts to break into the room.

“Cas, no--”

“But you can’t fight for me.”

The words shatter something vital in him. Castiel gasps as the agony shreds through him. He thought there would be more time. He thought that happiness was an ideal that no one could ever reach. He thought there would be time, he doesn’t want to go, he wants to stay--

“Cas, I can’t...Not again, I can’t lose you again, please don’t go--”

Black seeps into the room, slender tendrils snaking across the room towards where they stand. Castiel feels every second ticking away. He’s lived for millennia, seen worlds and empires rise and fall, felt the passing of centuries like nothing more than a passing breeze. Millions of years, and now, when it means everything, he has no time.

Castiel cups Dean’s cheek with one shaking hand. If this is it, then he doesn’t want to leave with any regrets. “Dean,” he croaks. That word has become his compass, his prayer, the star to which he hitched his wagon.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t want to leave you. If I had a choice, i would stay. I would stay with you through every sunrise and sunset, through every moment, the mundane and extraordinary alike.” Castiel’s voice catches in his throat as the door finally shatters and darkness pours into the room.

“You’ve taught me everything, Dean, and I...I’m so grateful that I got to know you. Without you...”

Castiel can’t continue. He’s immeasurably grateful for all he’s experienced with Dean, but he’s always been greedy. He wants more. He wants to see Dean’s hair continue to silver until it’s soft and grey. He wants to go fishing with Dean and discover the peace inherent in the activity. He wants to watch Jack grow into his own and Sam start a family. He wants, with a fierceness that takes his breath away.

Darkness curls around his ankle and winds its way up his calf.

Dean shakes his head. Tears well in his eyes but refuse to spill over, though his lower lip shakes. “Please,” he asks, tilting his head into Castiel’s palm. “I can’t...how am I supposed to do this without you?”

Castiel starts to respond, but his voice is cut off by the swift, hard press of Dean’s lips into his. His heart jolts and gutters in his chest before it picks up again, beating so hard he thinks it might escape through the confines of his ribs.

“I love you.”

The words tumble out of Castiel’s mouth, the same as they did years ago when he was rotting from in the inside out. The same frantic need consumes him now as it did then, when every beat of his heart dragged him closer to the edge of oblivion, when seconds were more precious than gold, when he was so close to losing everything--

Dean sobs. He clutches the lapels of Castiel’s coat and kisses him, teeth bruising behind his lips.

Castiel’s whole lower body is engulfed in darkness so complete that it feels as though it’s ceased to exist. His whimper is lost in Dean’s mouth.

“No,” Dean gasps, pulling away. Castiel already knows the cause of Dean’s denial. He can feel it, creeping up his chest and shoulders, slithering down to his arms. He remembers how it was to be devoured, remembers the noxious black ooze of the Leviathan crawling through him, but this is worse, is so much worse, because now he knows what Dean’s lips taste like, now he knows everything he has to lose--

“Cas, I love you,” Dean tells him, though his words echo strangely. The Empty crawls up his throat. Castiel chokes on it, but he doesn’t dare to blink. He can’t lose a second of this, of Dean’s face, horrified and tear-stricken though it is.

Seconds tick away like centuries, Dean’s face in front of him. Castiel can’t hear what he’s saying, but he can see the words shaped on his lips.

I’ll find you, I promise, I’m coming for you, Cas, Cas, I love--

And then.

Empty.

---

With the image of Dean’s face in his mind, Castiel screams.

There is no sound in the Empty, but he screams anyway. His agony and loss pour out of him, his grief and fear. Everything that he’s lost, Dean--

Castiel screams until his voice cracks and breaks, until his throat is shredded and raw, until he tastes blood in the back of his throat.

Hollow, he slumps to the side, curling into himself. His one consolation was that he would at least be asleep for the rest of eternity. He wouldn’t have to live with the weight of everything he’d lost. Now, even that slender comfort has been ripped from him. For the rest of time, he’ll have to exist with the memory of Dean’s glassy eyes, with the sound of Dean’s choked voice echoing through his skull, with the phantom ache of Dean’s lips against his. Castiel shudders, sobs ripping out of his throat.

“Jesus. So much for helping.”

Castiel blinks. The sound of another voice is foreign in this void where nothing should exist. He rolls over, looking up at the sardonic face staring down at him.

“Ruby,” he rasps, then remembers himself.

That’s not Ruby.

“Go away,” he mutters. He wraps his arms around his legs, pressing his forehead to his knees. There’s no point in having pride here, not when time is meaningless and every second is a torture. The Empty already knows his secrets, though why it chose Ruby’s form to torment him is a mystery.

“Look feathers, you were the one who screwed the pooch on this whole ‘fixing eternity’ thing. So I think I’m going to stick around for a bit.”

“There’s no point,” Castiel says miserably. “You got what you wanted. I’m here. I’m suffering. What more could you possibly want from me?”

“Were you dropped on your halo? I told you what I wanted the last time you were here. I want out, you moron. I told you to find a way out, and you wound up here, which is kind of the opposite of what I asked.”

Castiel blinks slowly, lifting his forehead from his knees. “Ruby?” he asks.

Ruby rolls her eyes and sighs for dramatic effect. “Yeah, dumbo. You know, I’ve only been trying to tell you that since the beginning.”

“I can’t trust that.” Castiel remembers all too well the last time he was here, the jolt of pleasure at seeing Meg once more only to realize that the Empty was aping her appearance to hurt him. “The Empty, it takes on your visage, your memories--”

“Yeah, you’re just going to have to trust me on this.” Ruby’s eyes flash black. “You know, as much as you can.”

“I’d pay attention to her, Clarence. If you don’t, then she’ll probably kick your ass.”

Castiel knows that voice. He whirls around. Meg’s face greets him, a tiny smirk twisting her lips upward. “Meg,” he whispers, an odd combination of grief and happiness twisting in his chest.

“The one and only,” she assures him.

A small shred of doubt clings at the back of Castiel’s mind, but he has to trust in something right now. Even if it’s two dead demons.

“Castiel. So lovely to see you again. Though I can’t say that I agree with the company you’re keeping these days.”

Make that three dead demons.

“Crowley,” Castiel breathes.

The demon looks exactly the same as he did the day he died. His suit is pristine, down to the pocket square. He looks at Meg and Ruby with disdain before he turns that expression on Castiel. “I suppose you’re doing your biannual visit to this dump? Feel like taking any passengers out with you when you make your escape this time?”

“I’m not...I made a deal,” Castiel whispers. He made a deal to save his son and he’ll never regret that, not for a second, but then he thinks of Dean’s face. “I’m not leaving.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so negative, Cassie. You do have a way of wriggling out of the tightest of places.”

Mingled guilt and joy sear through Castiel as he turns around. Balthazar’s familiar face looks at him. Balthazar raises an eyebrow. “No hug?” he asks.

“I don’t understand,” Castiel breathes. Surrounded by ghosts from his past, he feels weak. “None of you should be awake. That’s the whole point of this place. All of us, asleep, forever.”

“That’s the way it should be, but you have a habit of wrecking the natural order.” Castiel winces at Anna’s cool voice. Though there’s no real judgement in her voice, there’s also no real warmth. “It’s been changing here, ever since your last visit.”

“I woke it up.”

“And because you woke it up, we all started to awake as well.” Hannah’s calm voice joins their small group, though it’s growing steadily larger. “All of us, demons and angels, started awaking. At first, it was just for moments, but lately, it’s been distracted. More of us have been able to stay awake for longer. Eventually we started finding each other.”

“That’s my boy,” Meg says, unmistakable fondness in her voice. “Shaking up the natural order, wrecking the whole of the afterlife.”

Castiel’s eyes dart between all of them, former enemies, allies, and friends. “Is this all of you?”

“Were you not listening? Did they not just tell you that we’ve all been waking up, at least a little bit?”

Gabriel pops into existence next to Castiel. Despite himself, Castiel jerks back in surprise.

“So, what’s it going to be, Cas? Are you going to just pop out of here like always?” Crowley brings Castiel’s brain back to the present.

When he made his deal, he made it with full awareness that there was no coming back. He accepted that burden because he knew it was the only way he could save Jack.

But that was before he felt Dean’s lips against his, before he heard the words fall from Dean’s mouth. I love you.

When he made the deal, he had never heard those words directed at him. When he made the deal, he had nothing to fight for.

Now he does.

He made a choice long ago. You don’t have to be ruled by Fate. You can choose freedom.

Castiel looks at all of them, demons and angels alike, and makes a choice.

“We’ve got work to do.”

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ultimatebethylficlist · 3 years ago

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Veteran Author of The Month: June 2021

The featured veteran author for June is also a co-admin right here at UBFL: SquishyCool (or @im-immortal )!

SquishyCool can be found on AO3 and FFN under the same penname.

When asked what got her into Bethyl and what the fandom means to her, she said:

I’ve been a hardcore TWD fan since the show began airing, but that’s because of my love for zombies. In all honesty, I didn’t really ship anyone for the first 3-4 seasons. I kind of shipped Daryl with Carol, but then it became clear that it was a platonic relationship and in all honesty, I just wanted to see them both get some action lmao. Then the prison fell... and in those first moments of “Still,” when we see Beth and Daryl running and running and finally collapsing on the ground, breathless and exhausted... the butterflies started. Something clicked and I immediately thought, “uh oh.” The rest is history, especially considering how “Still” and “Alone” played out. I can’t explain how or why I’m still so heavily invested, especially considering my last 2 fandoms only kept my attention for about 2-3 years each, but here I am. And I love it! I am so incredibly grateful for the Bethyl fandom because not only has it helped me improve my writing so much more than I ever could have imagined, but it has also introduced me to some of the most amazing people, including someone who I now consider one of my very best friends! It’s my happy place :)

For her personal fic rec list, she recommends:

In The Maw by ronsparkyspeirs

Way Down We Go by LeathernLaces

Surfacing by lindentree

Wild Things (The Moonshine Poet) by Abelina

The Gift by Feliz

The Man Who Can't Be Moved by burningupasun

New Experiences Series by wallflow3r

Whisper Softly to Me by taylorcatherine

Interstice by leftmywingshome

To Love Like a Man by Seraphique

Death, Death (i defy thee) by alamorn

In My Blood by Courtneyshortney82

Let the Good Times Roll by gutsforgarters

Resolved by Allatariel

the weight of these wings by peachthorns

all my spaces are filled with you by annabeth_writes

A Little Jailbreak with the Little Jailbait by wandering_gypsy_feet

between the beginning and the end by sheriffandsteel

SquishyCool’s Works & Personal Thoughts:

Dirty Fingernails and Dried Blood Summary: What happened during the months between "Still" and "Alone"? Beth uses the last pages of her diary to write down every detail of surviving with Daryl. Thoughts: My first Bethyl fanfic. It holds a special place in my heart for that reason, though it is pretty rough. If I could go back, I never would’ve done it entirely in first-person. But I do plan to finish it one day. There are some scenes I’m particularly proud of, and I still have a long note full of ideas and plot points.

Most Wanted Summary: After Beth’s mother and half-brother are murdered in a drug war, the godly veil on the Greene Family operation is lifted, and law enforcement comes down hard. In an effort to protect her family, Beth commits a heinous crime that could mean life in prison alongside them. Now everyone she’s ever trusted is in police custody and her only chance at freedom is to get as far away from Atlanta as she can... Thoughts: Well, this is a must-read if you like my writing. I hope to one day convert this into an original fiction and maybe get it published, but I need to finish it first LOL. I got the idea from ONE scene of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” and from there, it exploded into a huge mystery thriller (with lots of romance and smut). I’m really really proud of it, and I’m scared I’ll fuck it up tbh, so I keep putting off continuing it. But I really need to get back to it because I really want people to see what I have planned! (Also, this fic is the reason @courtneyshortney82 started talking to me, so that alone is pretty historic lmao)

The Crow’s Song Summary: Beth and Daryl spend a few more days together in the funeral home and come to terms with all they've lost along the way. But soon, they must decide what comes next. Thoughts: This fic... this fucking fic. It took me a full year to write. I made numerous edits. I even got a little depressed while I was writing the last two chapters, and my bf didn’t know why until he read what I’d been writing lol. It’s honestly the Bethyl fic I’ve always wanted to write but just didn’t know how. I’m still really really proud of how it turned out.

Carnival Games Summary: Daryl is a traveling carnival worker and Beth is a barely legal farmer's daughter looking for a night of fun when the carnival comes to town. Thoughts: Omg this fic is so fun!! One of my first Bethyl fics, and one of my first Bethyl smut fics. Short, sweet, a little funny, and a lot hot. I am still impressed with myself on this one, especially considering how much my writing has improved since lol

Breathe. Please. Summary: Beth shows up at the Hilltop. Alive. Daryl can hardly believe his eyes. Until she's lying in his bed, an arm's reach away. And he can hear her inhaling... exhaling... inhaling... Thoughts: Another “fix-it” that I’m proud of. Tbh I didn’t think it was anything all that special, but a lot of readers have said it’s one of their favorites, and some say they reread it regularly, and nothing makes me happier than hearing that, so I am extremely proud.

picking @ scabs Summary: Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, being with them just isn't right. But what wouldn't you give for it to be right? Can someone like Daryl learn how to swallow his pride and stop repeating the same mistakes over and over? Can someone like Beth learn to fight off her demons and allow him to get close enough to hurt her again? How can they stay away from each other when it's all too easy to fall back into one another? Picking a scab will leave a scar, but they both have so many scars already... what's a few more? Thoughts: This fic is very, very personal for me. It’s like my “therapy” fic. I have poured some of my deepest feelings and struggles into its chapters, and the whole idea that got me to start it was that I wanted to find a way to navigate and cope with ending my 3-year long relationship with my emotionally/mentally/sometimes physically abusive ex. I still have a lot of fond memories from that relationship, but even more so, I have painful memories. Not to mention, going through your early 20s as a woman in the modern day is a fuckin’ trip, so this kind of explores that. It’s really self-indulgent, I think, but I’m really proud of the smut in it. And more than that, I’m proud of the response. I’ve had a few people message me or comment to say that they’ve felt all those things, or have experienced similar things, and it’s really just... relieving. I put my heart and soul out there, and what I got back was “you’re not alone.” So yeah, this fic is special. I wanna finish it soon, but I have to be in A Mood to do so.

In Toto Corde Summary: Despite a million reasons not to, Beth and Daryl fell in love. Then he made the ultimate sacrifice in order to keep all of his promises. Now, facing unimaginable consequences at the hands of witch hunters, Beth has no choice but to use her powers to bring Daryl back from the dead. "He won't be the same..." Thoughts: I LOVE THIS FIC. I love it so much that I had to rewrite it after like 4 or 5 years. And I already started on a sequel that I really hope I’m able to finish. Though it doesn’t have many hits, and I don’t think many people have read it at all, which I understand since it basically is entirely focused around Daryl being killed. But damn, I’m proud of this one, and it was really fucking fun to write because witch!Beth is just... the best.

risk it all (part 1 of in for a penny, in for a pound) Summary: Daryl Dixon has a pretty decent life, all things considered. He's got his own place. A good dog. A few friends. Even a girlfriend. He keeps himself out of trouble. Until he starts texting Beth Greene. And hell, if he ain't about to risk it all for this damn girl. Thoughts: This was supposed to be one short multichapter fic focused entirely on smut and social media. Then I got on a roll and it ended up being the beginning of a series! This fic is purely fun. Nothing too serious or heavy. I write it when I’m in a Good Mood because it’s my little happy place. I have plans for about 4 more fics before the series will be finished!

Don’t Make Me Haunt You Summary: So here's the thing: Merle Dixon is dead as fuck. And as it turns out, Beth Greene is the only one who can see or hear him. Which is weird considering she's never met or even heard of this guy, let alone anyone with the last name Dixon. That's her first problem... Thoughts: The reception to this fic has absolutely blown me away. I had no idea anyone would want to read about ghost!Merle haunting Beth and forcing her to solve his murder with the help of his grumpy brother. And it was all inspired by an episode of South Park lmao then I started really getting into it and now it’s just like, my super fun fic where I explore a range of emotions and all kinds of religious beliefs and different mythologies and I can build the world however I want and goddamn I just love writing this fic. Plus there’s a podfic for it! I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this fic and how proud I am of it :)

#bethyl fanfiction #veteran author of the month

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letsdiscoverkitty · 4 years ago

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Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021

Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!

In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.

Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.

Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.

I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.

I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.

In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.

Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).

The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.

I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).

But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.

In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.

Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.

BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.

I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.

#personal #update #If anyone actually reads this you deserve a medal #im sorry #this is a crappy update #I promise there are more positive things to come #I have things to tell you all!!!

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salarta · 4 years ago

Note

What don't you like about Lorna's characterization in X-Factor?

Thanks for asking!

I believe in transparency, so before I get into that, I want to provide a little background on the point of view I’m coming from that influences my opinions.

I was opposed to Lorna being on X-Factor when it was announced. There was already a lot of bad blood and history for me with Marvel as a result of these past few years especially. I won’t exhaustively detail all of it, but the bottom line is, I was already in a place of having a low opinion of current X-Men comics in general.

Then when it was announced she would be on X-Factor, not even as the leader but just as a team member, that immediately grated on me. She’s been buried and sidelined for so long, and now she’s not only right back on the same title yet again after 30 years - that’s a second wave fringe title - she’s not even leading it, or doing other, more meaningful things outside it simultaneously.

Then I saw the interviews by X-Factor’s writer at announcement, which immediately gave me a couple red flags. One, the writer couldn’t seem to say a single thing about Lorna besides essentially “Magneto is her dad and Havok is her ex.” Not even about trauma, of which Lorna has tons of it. Yet she had no problem acknowledging trauma as an important story point for other characters. Two, in trying to form her opinion of Lorna, she said she talked to a couple friends, one of which she said put the Lorna x Havok relationship in a “new light” for her. Meaning she was limiting her fan input just to a couple people she knows and whatever biases those two have, at the exclusion of all others.

That’s my background. Before a single issue dropped. Now let’s get to the things I have problems with since it’s started getting published.

And I do welcome people correcting me if I’m incorrect about details of the book. Being wrong happens. The only true path toward a better future for Lorna is honest assessment.

My biggest problem with X-Factor’s characterization, as a whole, is that it completely disregards important parts of her history in the way she should think and act, and instead treats her like a blank slate.

This is clearest in X-Factor #4, the issue during X of Swords where Rockslide dies. Lorna is a survivor of the Genoshan genocide. We saw how deeply that wounded her. We outright saw her experience of being hailed as a sovereign princess by the people of Genosha, followed by those same people begging Lorna, specifically, to save them. Only for Lorna to be unable to do so, and unable to handle all the death and carnage and pain around her (note these pages are in order of her experiences, not publication order).

After the Genoshan genocide, we saw how not only did she survive this, she had those moments replaying constantly in her head and all around her until the other X-Men dug her out of Genosha’s ruins.

She suffered immensely from what happened to her. So much. But by the end, after dealing with the strain and trauma for so much time, she started to settle into a role from that experience somewhere in between Xavier and Magneto - which is extremely appropriate, considering her very first appearance in comics was all about her struggling between the “good of the X-Men” and the “evil of her father’s blood flowing through her veins” (as it was incredibly simplistic at the time).

This is the Lorna that came out of her hardships with Genosha. The one who felt the weight of those deaths and took them on to a point of being ready to fight for mutant rights.

In spite of this, Marvel has been ignoring the Genoshan genocide concerning Lorna’s history for 15 years now. Refusing to acknowledge it at all, as they let Jean fight Cassandra Nova on its ruins, and let Storm act outraged about its dead, and let Axis exploit it for Red Skull while Lorna’s written as off doing something completely unrelated.

The problem noted in the paragraph above is not X-Factor’s problem alone. It’s a running problem across all of Marvel.

But where X-Factor differs and is far, far worse is that X-Factor #4 not only completely ignored this event in her history. It had her behave as if she had no concept whatsoever of death and loss, had never received the development she did from the Genoshan genocide.

For over 15 years, Lorna’s been wiped from the Genosha story even though she went through the genocide and had served at Magneto’s side (before learning she was his daughter after all) during his rule. Not once in any of that time did Marvel allow the deaths of millions crying for her specifically to save them to impact their treatment of her. It’s been as if she suddenly no longer gives a damn about them.

But one mutant she doesn’t know at all dies nearby and she has a complete breakdown, running around unable to figure out what to do with herself, getting yelled at by her father to make the prophecies come out and later on wishing she could just disappear and stop being a part of anything at all?

That is not Lorna. Or rather, maybe it could count as Lorna from the 90s before Genosha ever happened. But it is absolutely not post-Genosha Lorna, the woman who endured the pain of millions dying all around her and came out of it a woman ready to fight through that pain.

Perhaps if this story acknowledged and incorporated the Genoshan genocide, did an incredibly good job justifying her behavior through that and making it all make sense, I would feel differently. But as it stands? This is an insult to everything she’s endured.

Which gets me to my other big complaints about this book. It doesn’t ACTUALLY acknowledge anything about her history at all.

This is where fans of the book will say “Oh X-Factor acknowledged Giant-Size X-Men when she built the base” and things like that. No. The book has only vaguely hinted at that history, which is very different from truly acknowledging and using it. The few times the book does this, such “acknowledgments” last for exactly one panel, and you have to be a real hardcore Lorna fan or long-time reader to have any chance whatsoever of seeing those statements as callbacks to her past. If you’re a casual reader, Lorna’s comment to Krakoa before creating the base could just as easily be read as that Lorna and Krakoa used to date and had a really bad breakup.

I’ve been asked before what would count as acknowledging her past. So here’s an example. Instead of the vague hinting with Krakoa, Lorna could’ve explicitly said something along the lines of “Hey, remember when Storm and the others helped me launch you out into space?” That would have been enough for a casual reader to know the amazing feat she did, its importance relative to current Marvel events, AND that she has a history with major known names in the franchise.

But as written? It’s just a silly little joke of a character who’s apparently never done anything notable or interesting “before now.”

Aside from these problems, I’m not keen on what has over time appeared to be a running theme of “Lorna is stupid” on this book. It started with this simple “joke.”

An important note: this panel is out of context. It looks worse by itself, but I have since been corrected by a reader that what happened before this was Northstar trying to charge in, Lorna trying to stop him, both getting caught in this trap, followed by Rachel’s quip. And they do have a history from before X-Factor. They were on the same team, Starjammers, in the late 00s to early 10s.

If this was the only case I had, I wouldn’t be bringing it up. It’s fine taken in isolation. There’s a question of why Lorna’s the sole target of the quip when it was Northstar’s fault, and a problem that people could easily misremember this in the future as Lorna taking the blame. But a single moment is no big deal.

But then we have the scene from X-Factor #4 above where Magneto’s written as yelling at her, putting her down for not being able to get the prophecies out. Lorna even explicitly calls it a “fitting humiliation” during that story.

And then we have the most recent issue. Where Siryn outright calls Lorna dumb as the story has her act in a way that makes her being called that appropriate.

In other words, three times now, Lorna’s been presented as the object of ridicule. As a failure who isn’t able to make plans, think ahead, or handle these stresses that come her way. In essence, it’s wiping out the development she received not just from her experiences on Genosha, but also from her time as leader of All-New X-Factor. Would YOU expect this character, as presented, to be at all capable of leading her own team some day? Or of leading people in a movement, harkening back to when she was called the Queen of Mutants both post-Genosha and when she was initially revealed and Magneto was believed to be dead?

My expectations of X-Factor before it started releasing issues were low, as stated above. But as it’s been releasing issues, it’s just been confirming my worst thoughts about Marvel and how little they think of this amazing character who’s been through so much and never receives her due.

All it’s doing is exploiting her to sell the book and promote everyone else on it. That is my straightforward assessment and opinion of the book. None of the stories or moments truly address anything Lorna’s experienced. The initial story was about Aurora, setting up Northstar as the leader, and forming the team. The Mojoworld story was about Shatterstar. X-Factor #4 was about Rockslide and his death. The latest story is about Siryn.

And it’s great for all these other characters that they’re getting all this care and attention that they often don’t get. But it doesn’t have to come at Lorna’s expense. If she’s going to be on the book, it has to actually give a damn about what she’s been through and how it’s shaped her, and openly acknowledge her too often forgotten past spanning 52 years.

I am not saying X-Factor taken as its own thing is bad. I’m not saying it treats any of the other characters bad. I’m saying it’s bad for Lorna, and she’s better off not on it even if she doesn’t get to join the new X-Men team.

I will end off on a bit more of a positive note for people who happen to like this book. There are a couple things I do like about it.

I like the creative usage of Lorna’s powers in building the team’s base, and in having the prophecies encoded in electromagnetic signatures. Those are an excellent way to show she can be and do other things besides “bend spoons,” and she’s not just “Magneto with boobs” as far as power usage.

I also like that the book does not have a sexism problem in its treatment Lorna. Past treatment of Lorna had this problem in a big way, as demonstrated by this awful as fuck cover from X-Men Blue.

And I partly like the very last few panels of X-Factor #4, in that Lorna gets to do some public speaking among mutant colleagues. I loathe the treatment leading up to it, and I think it could’ve been much better if it followed the vein of one of the variant covers of Lorna holding up a sword in front of an army as if urging them onward to battle as a warrior queen would. But it was still better than okay.

But those few good bits do not in any way make up for the bad as I’ve seen it in this book.

#polaris #lorna dane #x-men #marvel

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