#which had better be correct because i am sick of driving to/from work in shitty weather conditions

[threnodians]

i was gonna get up and do things today but unfortunately for some reason i am exhausted... it is probably due to the fact that i only got like 2 hours of sleep monday night and 2 hours of sleep tuesday night and i was already running on fumes before monday night so my body is like “bitch we need to rest or we’ll die”

[wizkiddx]

work with me

this is for @worldoftom 'lolbrosgetsicktoo' challenge event thing - go check it out bcos lots of much better writers have got involved too✨! I'm v new to these things but I tried :) the prompt was: 'would you quit whining and just get in the bath' . (also look at me acc posting sort of regularly, who'd of thought?!?!)

warnings: sickness / fever (more dramatic than it needs to be) / LOTS of medical inaccuracies

summary: when tom doesn't take advice and ends up very ill, very far from home, there's one person whose stuck dealing with it

“Please Tom… I need you to work with me!”

It wasn’t his fault he was being a complete nightmare, though your patience was wearing off somewhat.

For context, you were in Morocco, where he had been filming part of his next film, which only made trying to take care of him that bit harder.

Everyone got ill sometimes. It wasn’t his fault.

That was the mantra ringing through your head, even if you had a more challenging time believing it. Tom wasn’t stupid, as much as he liked to joke about it. HOWEVER, what he was less good at was heeding warnings. He was a white boy in Morrocco; the health and safety briefing had literally been aimed at him. Had he taken the advice not to eat any dodgy looking meats at the market?

Of course not; that’d be boring.

Everyone else was fine. You’d all sampled Morroccos culture without giving yourselves the worst case of food poisoning you’d ever witnessed. But not Tom - possibly one of the only ‘indispensable’ people on the set. If you, or one of the minor characters, or even the director, had got ill - the show could continue.

When you’d been rudely awoken by your phone going off, you’d known instantly. It was as if you’d told him not to take a bite out of the weird burger once you were away from the eager view of the street vendor. Sure enough, with bleary eyes, you hissed at the brightness of the phone screen before seeing ‘Tom H’ on the screen.

“Y/n?” His voice was croaky, but just from the single call of your name, it was clear he was feeling sorry for himself.

“Are you okay? It’s late T.”

“Um I… can you come over? You…you might need the key I’m - um- in the bathroom.”

As his stylist, it technically wasn’t part of your job description to also be mother when he was sick, but (unfortunately for you) after the 3 years working side by side with him - you were also friends.

Which you were almost regretting by the second time rinsing the toilet bowl clean after he’d evacuated what seemed to be the majority of his vital organs into it. Honestly, it was impressive how he managed to keep going.

That had been at around 4 in the morning- the doctor had been called at 8, coinciding beautifully with his 5th toilet extravaganza. Once the doctor had confirmed your original, if completely unqualified, diagnosis of food poisoning - you hadn’t been able to bite your tongue. Perhaps an ‘i told you so’ might’ve slipped past your lips, but Tom was a bit too out of it to argue back.

You’d been given firm advice from the doctor - he said little sips of water, rest and control his temperature. It all had seen pretty simple - though the action? Not so much.

It wasn’t his fault, yet Tom was not super compliant. You and Harry had both been taking turns in practically forcing him to take sips of water, having to turn off ‘modern family’ till he did. The blackmail had put you both in his bad book.

Honestly, thank the lord Harry was here too. You’d woken him up at seven, begging for help and since then, you’d tagged teamed. While one was looking after Tom, the other was phoning the director, the doctor, and the crew to inform them of the current situation.

Again, of all people. Why’d it have to be Tom?

Mainly because you knew how mortifying he found this. He didn’t like people fussing over him, never had. He liked to work hard, liked to make people happy - definitely didn’t like to feel a burden. Perhaps what made him feel ten times worse was that he knew he was inconveniencing the whole production team massively.

And yes, as you’d unhelpfully reminded him, it was ‘his fault’.

The lavish hotel room, big bathroom and pretty efficient AC still didn’t manage to mask the pungent in-the-back-of-your-throat smell from the bathroom. At the doctor’s advice, who had been a little concerned at Toms fever, Harry had cranked the AC on high. It had forced you to steal one of Tom’s big hoodies and a pair of joggers- you hadn’t left his room since he first called you, still wearing your tiny pyjama shorts and an old tee.

“Please turn the air con off.” His little voice whined from where he was lying, huddled up under the covers. Perched on the other side of the double bed, but over the covers with your laptop on his lap, you could actually feel him shivering with the chills. It felt like you were torturing the poor boy.

“T you know I can’t. It’ll make your fever worse.” The way he looked up at you, like a little Labrador that you were refusing to pet, actually pained your heart.

Okay, so yes it was his fault, but you weren’t mad, you just felt so awful for him.

“Please I’ll- I’ll pay you more.” His voice was hoarse; though he denied a sore throat, it sounded like the constant sickness was burning his windpipe.

“Tommm” you pouted, sticking your bottom lip out “I don’t want your money, want you to get better.”

Apparently giving up, brown eyes shot you the filthiest look in disappointment, rolling to face away from you. You thought he was giving you the silent treatment in a huff, but instead, he was praying on the weaker one.

“Harry, I’ll buy you that set of golf clubs-“

“NO!” You had to interrupt before Harry would say yes - because from the way his younger brother shot up from the arm chair, he was about to. Scowling eyes slowly focused back on you in annoyance, making you huff - shutting the laptop and kneeling on the bed to face him. After pressing the back of your palm to his forehead, which was scorching hot, you sighed. “I know you feel shitty and I’m so so sorry but I’m trying to make you better. So shut up, drink this and go to sleep!”

Like a child scorned, you received another death glare however, then he complied, taking a sip of the water you offered before lying back - huddling even tighter.

And it had been relatively peaceful for a few hours; Tom seemed to be getting some sleep - even if he was tossing and turning. Eventually, a prescription that the doctor had requested worked its way through the system, Harry getting a text to say he could go pick it up. The nearest pharmacy was probably a 30 minute drive from the hotel, so he left as soon as.

This left you alone with Tom, where the situation only descended into more chaos.

Almost as soon as Harry had left, Tom had stirred with a grunt. All it took was one look at his face for you to know. Both of you leapt up and flew into the toilet, Tom once again getting very familiar with the Moroccan toilet bowl.

This time though, when he had leant backwards, he’d sort of lost control and flopped most the way - you catching him before he could hit his head on the tiled floor.

“Woah, easy there!” It wasn’t like he’d passed out, but the look in his eye as he slumped into your lap… he wasn’t all there either. “Hey Tom… you with me? Tom?”

Lazily he blinked up at you, not really replying except for groans of half-formed words.

Deciding this had all got a bit direr, you almost sprinted back into the room, grabbing your phone and returning. He was still on the floor, his thumb and first finger pressing into each eye - groaning again.

“Hey Tom? I’m gonna call the doctor you need anything?” He whined in response, stopping only when you stroked his sweaty hair back, most of your attention on dialling the correct number.

The solution he’d given wasn’t pretty: Tom’s fever was too high hence why he was all woozy and groany. Until the doctor could get over with the stronger medications, you needed to lower his temperature in other ways or take him to hospital. He’d absolutely hate hospital, but the other choice? Boy, was he not going to like it either.

Ignoring Tom’s croaked question of what you were doing, you busied yourself switching on the bath taps. You let the water run until it was the right (very mild) temperate, then turned back to Tom, who’d managed to work himself up to sit against the sink unit.

“The doctor says you need it.” His brain was foggy, his mind was slow but your tone told him enough to know something was wrong with the bath. “Just take your clothes off and then I’ll help you-“

“Absolutely fucking not.” Good. He was still with it enough to argue.

“I am just as uncomfortable as you are Tom, but we both know you can’t stand up without fainting, so you are going to need my help.”

“Y/n!”

“Keep your boxers on and it’s just like a fitting! I’ve seen you have those before!”

It was clear as day just how emasculated he felt, especially because he knew you were right. Sitting up at this current moment was a push; there was no way he was getting in the bath without some help. Defeatedly he nodded, but gave you a piercing look to turn around before he started wiggling himself out of the flannel pyjama trousers and light cotton t-shirt. Most confusingly, he still felt freezing cold, yet he had long since learned not to argue with you - especially when your justification came from the advice of a doctor.

Your cue to turn around came in the form of an extra angry-sounding grunt- the look you got when you did wasn’t much better either. It was a weird contrast, though, having someone who physically appeared so indestructible (a superhero for crying out loud); to have been absolutely beaten to a pulp by a few mouth fulls of weird meat. You had seen his bare torso before, although it still wasn’t something easy to get used to - making you clench your teeth together just slightly. A very welcome view.

Perhaps you looked just a little too long at the man who was technically your boss, hunched angrily on the floor in nothing but his calvins - another grunt shaking you out of it. By now, the bath was almost full and you hurried to shut off the water, feeling your cheeks heat up as you cursed silently to yourself.

“Okay come on, gimme your arm.” Begrudgingly Tom followed your request, slinging his arm heavily over your shoulder as you crouched beside him. As strong as he looked, you knew right now he felt powerlessly weak - all that muscle was just going to be almost dead weight.

Now it was your turn to grunt and groan as you pulled Tom up to stand, him focusing on blinking away the headrush he got.

“Come on T work with me here.” Getting him to the side of the bath wasn’t too difficult, the issue came when he stepped with one foot into the bath and yelped, instantly withdrawing as if it was a literal ice bath.

The sudden movement had you both losing balance, ending with Tom sitting on the edge of the bath and you leaning over him, in between his legs, and slapping your hand on the wall opposite purely so you both didn’t end up in the bath.

“Tom!”

“It’s like ice water!”

“Its lukewarm like the doctor said!”

“It is not its from the fucking arctic!”

“Oh for god sake!” Exasperated, you paced up and down the bathroom shaking your head at his ridiculousness. This was ALL. HIS. FAULT.

You came back to him with an ultimatum.

“It’s this or the doctor said I had to drag your ass to hospital.”

“Nooooooo.” The 25 year old seemed to convert into a whiny three year old again.

“Those are the two options. So will you PLEASE quit complaining and get in the bath.”

Keeping up the toddler persona, Tom huffed but reluctantly nodded in agreement - you had come up trumps. It didn’t stop him yelping when you helped to lower him in. His breath was shaky, as a response to the ‘cold’, but he was firming it. At least when you felt his forehead after a couple of minutes, it certainly seemed as though the fever was starting to ease off .

“You can go if you want.” His voice was murmured and as you looked up at him, he did his very best to avoid your gaze.

“Not a chance, if you drown on my watch, Nikki will never forgive me.” At the very least he seemed to appreciate your joke, scoffing a little with a small nod. “If you don’t want me here I get it. As soon as Harry’s back, I’ll swap with him.”

“No! It’s not that its… I’m just an ass when I’m ill.”

“A self aware ass, though.” Again he chuckled a little, as you folded your arms on the edge of the porcelain tub, resting your head lying to one side. “You had me pretty scared there for a moment, you know?”

He nodded a little, creating a wave of ripples in the water which you watched to avoid his gaze - which you knew was tracing all your features inquisitively.

“Hey it’s in the job description, always a bit dramatic... I’m sorry though I should never of called you- don’t know why I didn’t just get Harry.” In response you tutted, taking a moment to lean up and push his sweaty curls back a bit.

Just because you could, it was allowed in this moment.

“’m glad you did.”

“Yeh me too” He sighed, eyes fluttering shut in the easy silence of the bathroom. You kept a vigilant eye on him for the next 20 minutes, checking the temperature of his forehead using the back of your hand, whilst he seemed to finally get a bit of proper restbite, appearing like the worst had passed. You had no idea what was taking Harry so long; in fact it was the doctor that arrived first- who you ran to let in (not wanting to leave Tom asleep in the bath one bit).

Whilst the doctor did all his checks, taking his temperature properly this time, satisfied that it was much more manageable. He still wanted to set him up with some oral rehydration rescue packs to get his hydration status a bit better and give some anti-sickness tablets and antipyretics.

Having actually been getting some rest before all the prodding and poking, Tom was back to being a grumbling dick - now not wanting to leave the bath (the irony was real - making you roll your eyes). Once again, he appeared embarrassed to have you see him like this, so you left the doctor to help him get out and changed- instead going down to reception to get a fresh set of sheets, as he’d done a pretty impressive job of sweating through the old ones.

Even if tired and grumpy, when Tom exited the bathroom, he looked much better - he was walking himself without the doctor’s help. Which honestly was such a relief because when he had passed out on you, you genuinely were terrified. Thankfully the doctor stayed for the next 20 or so minutes, which was just when Harry returned with a bag of medications - which were now wholly redundant, given the doctor had already supplied everything.

“What happened?” Harry asked you in a hushed voice, whilst Tom was distracted with getting his medications. Recounting the story of Tom pretty much passing out, Harry grimaced for you, then launching over to give you a tight hug.

“Are you okay?” That was a novel idea, you hadn’t really thought about yourself at all - but honestly, you were a bit shaken, having been running on adrenalin for most of the night.

“I-uhm… yeh I think so… just-just was a bit scared, I guess? Felt bad too because he didn’t want me there but-“

“I can promise you Y/n, he did want you there. Just probably embarrassed he wasn’t all manly and that…” With a nod, you smiled softly at the frizzy-haired boy.

Whilst working with Tom, it also meant getting pretty close to his younger brother. The two Hollands were almost attached at the hip, which you were very much okay with.

It was weird though... your relationships were completely different. Harry was just your brother, through and through. He wound you up like a sibling but also knew you as if he had your whole life. With Tom… it wasn’t that. Arguably, you were closer to Tom, but on a different level. It was more exciting, more nerve-wracking and heartwarming all at the same time. Honestly, you couldn’t get your head around it properly.

“Hey, you’re probably shattered. Why don’t you go back to your room and get some sleep? I got it in here.” You knew Hary was trying to offer something nice, and now all the excitement had worn off, you were unbelievably shattered. But you didn’t like the idea of not being there, as a just in case.

“Uhm, I think I might just stay, you know?” And he did, with a deliberate, knowing smile, he nodded.

He knew you were worried. He knew Tom had really really scared you. He also knew how much you cared about his brother.

Just like how Harry knew Tom wanted you there, even if he felt embarrassed. Well, anyone would- when you are passing out half-naked in front of the one person that really matters.

It was just at this point that the doctor was done, giving Harry instructions about the rest of the day, when you made a beeline for the bed. Tom was propped up against the headboard, still with a pale sullen look and tired eyes, but a bit less clammy and more human. He cracked a smile as you crawled up onto the other side of the bed, kneeling next to him.

“How’re you doin’?”

“All drugged up, just feel fucking exhausted.” Instinctively you reached up to feel his forehead, really appreciating the fact it felt almost normal.

“Join the club mate, I had a 5am wake up call too.” You almost whispered, intending to make Tom laugh, but instead only getting a pout.

“I am sorry, a-are you going to go back to your room?”

“Nah” Tom’s eyes didn’t light up, except the fact that they very much did. “Can’t trust you not to get into trouble while I’m gone Holland.”

“Thanks.” He laughed weakly before shimmying down on the bed, so he was much more comfortable. “And thankyou, I-I’m sorry I’m a dickhead and made your life-“

“Shut up Tom!” Laughing, you lightly slapped his arm, also leaning down on the bed, so you were lying facing him. “You’re all feverish; go to sleep before you say something stupid.”

There was a long pause, Tom just gazing deep into your eyes, because he was pretty sure what he was thinking was nothing to do with the dodgy unidentified meat he’d had the evening before.

“What... like asking you out?”

…..

“Maybe that wouldn’t be so stupid.”

~~~~im really not sure how I feel about this one, let me know what you thought ;) ~~~~

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @hallecarey1 @crossyourpeter@hollandfanficlove

[hms-chill]

15? XD or 14 or 16 if you dont feel up for that. you know what i like but also feel free to do whatever you wish with them or not do them at all! -salt

Of course!

14. “You’re a disappointment.”

15. “Don’t die on me– Please.”

16. “I never meant to hurt you.”

For all his brains, all his education and study and general intellectualism, Henry can be a real dumbass. Going to a club on the anniversary of his dad’s death was a dumbass move. Going alone was a dumbass move. Calling Shaan when he was drunk off his ass was a dumbass move. Going to a meeting with Shaan hungover the next day instead of calling in sick was a dumbass move. Really, everything he’s done since leaving Alex in the States two days ago has been a dumbass move. Bea had thought that maybe being together on the anniversary of their dad’s death would help them all, let them process their grief or something, and he’d agreed to come a few days earlier than Alex was able to so that it could be just the four of them. And that was the dumbass move that started the dumbass snowball that’s left him here, alone in a country where everyone is disappointed in him. 

It all comes to a head just after his meeting with Shaan, where he’d been uncomfortably hungover and even more uncomfortably aware that Shaan is not happy with him. He finds Philip in the kitchen, apparently packing a picnic basket for him and Martha to share in Kensington Gardens, and Philip says something about how Henry looks tired. Maybe, by itself, it wouldn’t have meant anything. But this is Philip, and it’s Philip on a shitty morning after a shitty day, and it’s just enough to make Henry snap. 

He doesn’t say anything there. He tries to hold it all in, he does. He texts Alex that he misses him, and Alex texts that he’ll be there soon. It’s not soon enough. Henry needs to move, needs to get out of Kensington, and Buckingham, and the whole maze of rooms and people who just want to move him around and poke him and cover him in the mask of a perfect prince. Alex will make it better, but Alex isn’t going to be there until that night, so Henry needs to do something somewhere else until then. And he needs, so desperately, to do it alone.

There’s a trail not too far away from the city that his dad used to take them to. It’s private, and quiet, and it’ll let him do something his dad would have liked. Maybe, it’ll actually feel like he can grieve for once, instead of just trying to stay put together for his family and the press who had somehow decided it was alright to interview them for a story on how his family is “Healing from the Tragedy of Arthur Fox’s Death” on the anniversary of said tragedy. But, wherever he goes, he knows he has to go by himself. As much as he appreciates them, he can’t have PPOs breathing down his neck or following him. He can’t have Philip or Bea asking if he’s really doing alright, or his mom asking if he wants to talk. And, no matter what, he can’t have Shaan giving him that look again. 

So he does what he always does when he wants to be on his own. He unearths a motorcycle helmet Shaan gave him years ago, takes Shaan’s backup keys from the rack in the garage, and borrows Shaan’s motorcycle. Between the full facial coverage of the helmet and the stark contrast to his public image, he figures he’s safe enough on a motorcycle, just another driver in a busy city. He can feel the wind on his hands, and around his body. The motorcycle hums under him, heat from its motor warming his legs through his pants. It’s nice. it’s nice to feel things like this, to feel the movement and the world around him as it rushes over his body.

He’s just getting out of the city when his phone rings through the helmet’s bluetooth. It’s Alex, so Henry answers, slowing down a bit so he can concentrate on talking to Alex like he’s not on a fear-induced motorcycle joyride through the country.

The first thing Alex asks is, “where are you?”

And, well. “Why?”

“After last night, I changed my flight so I could surprise you, I asked Bea to get you to the airport, but she says she hasn’t seen you all morning, and Shaan says he doesn’t know where you are, either.”

“I can meet you at the airport,” Henry says, wondering briefly who exactly told him about last night. He doesn’t remember everything, but he’s pretty sure he spent part of it sobbing outside of a London club until someone came and got him in a car. He’s not sure he wants Alex to know that. “Heathrow?”

“You still didn’t say where you are.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll meet you at Heathrow. When?”

“We’re starting descent, so probably about twenty minutes. I should get off the phone, but H? I... I love you, okay? Always will.”

“I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

Henry turns the motorcycle around, pulling into the other lane in a move that’s not entirely legal, but the road is empty enough out here that it doesn’t matter. He’s about thirty minutes from Heathrow, which means he’s thirty minutes from Alex. There’s a private airstrip there that they use whenever they land; it’s where Alex will be. He speeds up a bit, a tiny smile making its way to his face when he thinks about how Alex will react to the motorcycle. He thinks about Alex’s arms around his waist holding on tightly as they drive, and he’s grateful that Shaan keeps an extra helmet in the seat. He’d wanted to be alone, but really, Alex doesn’t count. He can take Alex out to the trail, and maybe Alex can help convince him that he hasn’t ruined everything. It’ll be nice, to show Alex his dad’s trail and have Alex there with him.

He pulls up next to the plane just as they’re locking the stairs down, and he waits until Alex is getting out of the plane and looking curiously at him to pull the helmet off, shaking his hair out a bit and looking up to the top of the stairs, where Alex’s jaw is on the ground. He parks the motorcycle and climbs off to meet Alex at the bottom of the stairs, and Alex wraps him in a hug that feels just a bit tighter than necessary. Which means, for a day like today has been, it’s exactly as tight as it needs to be.

“I love you. I’m proud of you. I am very into you right now.”

“There’s an extra helmet in the seat,” Henry says. He adds an, “if you want” to the end, but Alex is already headed toward the motorcycle.

“Where did this come from?”

“It’s Shaan’s. He taught me how to ride a while back because they can get around cars if I needed to escape quickly.”

“I need to send that man a fruit basket,” Alex mutters, and Henry smiles. Moments later, the crushing realization that Shaan’s still mad at him, and will probably be more upset after this, crashes down on him. He pulls his helmet on so that Alex won’t see his face, but as he settles and gets Alex set behind him, Alex says, “we’re... I love you. Always, and no matter what.”

“I... I know. I love you, too.” Henry gets them going, instructing Alex to lean into turns, and Alex hugs him tightly. And, for all Henry’s stress and Alex’s weird energy about the day, the ride is fun. It feels like the wind pulls away anything he could ever worry about, and Alex actually laughs behind him.

“This is amazing. Where are we going?”

“Out to the country a bit. There’s a place we used to go with my dad.”

Alex just hums, leaning forward a bit. His helmet is in Henry’s periphery, and Henry hates asking him to move, but he has to. Alex doesn’t seem to mind, bouncing his helmet against Henry’s affectionately before he shifts position a bit.

There’s a bang a moment later, and a red hot pain blooms in Henry’s side, right where Alex’s shoulder used to be. The motorcycle swerves a bit as Alex tightens his grip instantly. Henry corrects and speeds up, a steady stream of swear words filling his helmet.

“Was that a gunshot? Did you see where-- shit!” Alex shouts. There was another shot, and Henry veers into the other lane. A car honks at him, but he pulls out of their way, the weaving maneuvers Shaan taught him coming back in bursts as he ignores the pain in his side.

“Are you hit?”

“No, you?” Alex asks, clinging tighter to Henry. His squeeze doesn’t exactly help the pain in Henry’s side, but it’s worth it to know he’s safe.

“I’m fine. Hang on.” So Alex does hang on, while Henry desperately tries to remember where the safe house is nearby and another gunshot rings out. Alex jumps, and Henry feels another burst of pain, this time higher than the last. So someone is, genuinely, trying to kill him. Somewhere, he tries to decide if that’s more or less interesting than if they were trying to kill Alex, or either of them. It probably doesn’t matter.

The safe house. They have to get to the safe house. Henry speeds up, and Alex says something about shots coming from a car, so Henry pulls into a narrow alley, speeding through and emerging into a street he recognizes, somewhere close to a suburban safe house. He breathes a quiet prayer of thanks to whoever might be looking out for them, and Alex must feel him relax, because his grip relaxes a bit, too.

“Did we lose them?” Henry asks.

“I think so. Where are we going? Where are we now; I can tell someone what happened.”

“It’s... we’re going to a safe house. We can deal with things there,” Henry says. His adrenaline has worn off in a moment, and now he just feels tired. It hurts to breathe. Alex’s hug hurts. He’s having to work to keep his eyes focused as they pull up to the safe house and he parks the motorcycle somewhere out of sight. Shaan is going to kill him, but then again, with how much his side hurts, maybe Shaan won’t have to. 

“I’m going to share my location and then call Cash and let him know what happened; do you want to call Shaan and let him figure out what to do? We’re both safe, but they should still...” Alex’s voice reaches him though a layer of cotton, and Henry can’t seem to focus on it enough. When he looks at Alex, there’s blood on the sleeve of his jacket. That shouldn’t be there; Alex said he was alright. Henry reaches a shaking hand out for it, fighting through the pulling, stretching, tearing pain in his side to take the sleeve in his hand. His vision is swimming, but that just means that when he looks up, he gets to see four of Alex’s face.

“You... blood,” he says, truly putting his English language degree to good use.

“I’m fine; it...” Alex’s eyes go wide, and he swears, pulling Henry’s helmet off. Henry blinks up at him owlishly, trying to decide why Alex is suddenly so worried. It’s a bit hard when his face won’t stay still, but it doesn’t make sense. His side doesn’t even hurt anymore, or at least, it didn’t until Alex started trying to get him off the motorcycle. The shifting pulls at his side, and there’s a strangled cry of pain. A second later, he realizes it’s his own.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, we just need to get you inside so we can be safe. I’ll take care of everything, I promise, we just have to get you inside.”

Henry’s not sure why they have to get inside, but it matters to Alex, so he does his best to stay on his feet and get inside. The ground isn’t being particularly helpful, with all its swaying, but Alex’s arm is around him, and that feels nice. He leans against Alex, glad Alex is there with him. Alex is talking to someone, and Henry isn’t paying especially close attention until he hears Shaan’s name.

Shaan is going to hate him after this. He was already disappointed, but now Henry’s ignored everything he said. He’s been stupid, and he’s put himself and Alex in danger, and Shaan has every right to be disappointed. 

Shaan deserved a better charge. He deserved someone like Philip, who might have a stick up his ass, but at least it’s a stick that kept him out of trouble. Or maybe even someone like Alex, someone who’s reckless sometimes, but at least he brings someone with him when he is. Or someone like Bea.

At the thought of Bea, a sob escapes his throat. She’s going to be upset with him, too. She was the one who got them all here, so she might blame herself, but that feels even worse than if she was just hurt by his idiocy.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” Alex says, but his voice is shaking as he bends over, hunting in a flower pot. “You’re going to be okay. I promise. Just... just hang on; you’re going to be okay, I’ve just got to find the fucking--” he’s crying. Alex shouldn’t be crying; he said he wasn’t hurt.

“Are you okay?” Henry manages. It might just be whatever’s happening with his vision, but he could swear Alex’s hands are shaking.

“Yes. Yeah, I’m okay, baby. I’m just fine, just worried about you. But I don’t have to be, because Shaan’s getting help, and you’re... you’re going to be okay.”

“Shaan’s mad at me,” Henry says. “He... I called him last night but I was drunk. Then... then I saw him this morning, and he’s upset. I haven’t been fair to him. He... he deserved better than me.” 

Alex has them inside, and he’s letting Henry slide down the wall and onto a nice, cool tiled floor. It feels good to finally have something stay still, and the coolness feels nice, and Henry lets his eyes start to drift closed.

“No. No, no, no, you can’t... Henry, stay with me, please. Don’t die on me-- please, I can’t... I came all this way to tell you I love you, and i’m proud of you, and you’re the best person I’ve ever known and you can’t... stay with me.” When Henry forces his eyes back open, Alex is really crying. Henry reaches a hand out to try and wipe one away, but it just leaves a red smear on Alex’s cheek. Alex takes it in both is hands anyway, holding it close. 

“Wha’d’ya mean you came...” his words are all running together, jumbling up in his mouth, but Alex doesn’t seem to mind.

“I... you called me last night, too. You said you were sad, and that you wanted someone who wouldn't be mad if you had to cry. And I said I’d always love you, and I’d come as soon as I could so that I could show you just how much I adore you. So you... you’ve got to stay with me. Shaan doesn’t think you’re a disappointment, Henry, he loves you. And I do, too, so you’ve... you’ve got to stay here with us so we can prove it to you.”

“I’ll try,” Henry mumbles. His eyelids want so badly to close, but he can’t let them. Alex is too scared in front of him, but talking seems to make Alex less scared, so he says, “I miss my dad.”

“I know. I know you do, baby. I’m sorry I left you alone yesterday. Want to tell me about him? Will that help you stay awake?”

Henry tries. He tries to tell Alex about their hiking trips, or about summers when his dad was filming in the highlands or beach days growing up, but his words are even more jumbled than before, and he can’t seem to find the ones he wants. He’s just so tired. He does find three words that can fit together in a sentence, and he manages to murmur “I love you” before the darkness takes him.

From there it comes in fits and starts. He’s jostled awake when someone picks him up, and there’s a hand in his in the ambulance, another stroking his hair. More movement when they get to the hospital, and he thinks Bea might be crying somewhere. He wants to comfort her, but the inky blackness pulls him in before he can. He wakes again to raised voices, Alex shouting something about why no one cared about emotions. It sounds important, but he can’t be bothered to worry about it as sleep takes him again.

When he wakes up for real, Alex is there, asleep beside his bed. Shaan is at the door, keeping watch. Henry knows he must be a mess when just the sight of Shaan’s back makes him feel enough emotions to elicit a sob. Shaan turns instantly, and Henry ducks his head a bit, but Shaan is across the room in two steps, hugging him fiercely around the shoulders.

“I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that.”

That makes Henry really cry, his arms coming up automatically to wrap around Shaan, his hands grabbing fistfulls of his jacket. Shaan holds him close, apologizing over and over, but Henry shakes his head.

“I love you, too. I’m sorry. I... I’m sorry I stole your motorcycle, and I’m sorry I snuck out, and I’m sorry I called you, and that I was stupid last night, and--”

“Henry. Do not apologize to me for your grief. I should have noticed you were hurting and helped you. It’s my job to look after you, and I failed at that, and I’m sorry. Your boyfriend talked some sense into me, and I’m going to do better in the future. We all are.”

Alex stirs beside the bed, and Shaan steps back a bit to let him wake up and greet Henry, crying into a tight hug about Henry’s bravery and selfless idiocy, and how as hot as he was on the motorcycle if he ever does anything like that again, Alex is going to really kill him. But as he reassures Alex, Henry looks to Shaan and mouths a simple “thank you”. 

Shaan gives him a smile, then rests a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m proud of you, Henry. What you did was... reckless, and you should never do anything like it again, but I am proud of you. And nothing that you do could ever lessen my care for you.”

“I love you, too,” Henry tells him. “I love both of you so much. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“Of course. We love you. And we’re proud,” Alex says, his voice muffled by Henry’s chest. Henry strokes his hair, and Shaan gives his shoulder a squeeze before going back to stand guard at the door, sending them a smile as he keeps them safe and Henry plays with Alex’s hair, making sure he feels safe, too.

On AO3

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so uh... this got away from me? I'm hoping everything made sense; if it didn't please let me know!

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Want to support the Hannah Makes Art fund? You can buy me a ko-fi here!

[la5t-res0rt]

fun fact fucko no one cares that he’s trans, gnc, or autistic. all they care about is that he said someone wasn’t bisexual all because they hate them. thats fucked up no matter who you are. being austistic isn’t an excuse to be an utter dick hole.

alrighty folks strap in because we are in for a long one today

to start off i will begin by saying that i care about the identities of people i like and call friends i care enough to listen and learn from them because they have different perspectives on issues that i as a person who is none of the things that this person is will ever understand

it is important to listen to people and learn from them not just shine a light out of your ass for someone out of a weird place of blind worship thats honestly so cringey but that isnt what this is about this about you and likely others harassing ad sending death threats my friend and comrade betel bitches

i will now be going under a readmore to spare the dashboard

so lets recap what exactly is he being harassed for

as you all are no doubt aware there is a blog called nether receipts where a certain user we shall not name catalogs instances where members of the beetlejuice fandom are harassed correction its a blog where this person catalogs instances where flaws in their character as well as the characters of the people around her are highlighted and critiqued with the occaisional off color remark and threat which i obviously do not approve of who would

anyway following reading some ill-informed and not-so-well-phrased comments from a certain narcissistic user about their sexuality my friend had this to say

this was the post that got them put on this receipts blog which really exists as a source of people for a certain cluster of the beetlebabe fandom to harass and try to drag or cancel 

this is the post that has made people call him biphobic and here is why thats wrong and stupid

you said in your ask that he only is saying that this icky person is not bisexual because there is malice between them and while yes its true that there is malice orion never once said that this person wasnt bisexual

i took the liberty of sifting through the harassment asks he received yesterday because you all love receipts so much i took the liberty of grabbing a few and adding some highlights so you dont miss the important bits

orion never once said this person isnt bisexual he stated that equating doing femme on femme  pornography to bisexuality is a biphobic statement and is in fact a problematic thing to say

there may be crossover between bisexual people and people who do femme on femme but they are far from the same thing doing pornography is a choice you actively make and you do it for compensation however being bisexual is simply part of who you are it is something you dont choose 

although this person would perhaps disagree

and before you come for me this person posted these for the world to see and obviously i have as many receipts as my drive can carry furthermore how does this argument make sense why would you care so much about heterophobia if youre not heterosexual why are you so pressed oh wait is it perhaps

because this person is using the split attraction model for woke points like this screams that this person sees women as sex objects or perhaps this person is comphet and is denying themselves because heteronormativity is so deeply ingrained in their being that they wish to cling to heterosexuality to keep up their squeaky clean white feminist woman persona or maybe theyre just not well informed on lgbt+ issues

editors note the editor is an ace person who considers using the split attraction model is situations like this isnt exactly helpful like i cant stop you from doing it but you shouldnt have to say im a bisexual heteromantic person you can just be a  bisexual woman and keep dating men you dating men doesnt erase your bisexuality saying that you would have sex with a woman but not romantically be involved with them makes the editor think woman = sex object and as a feminist the editor has to say thats fucked up

i will reiterate implying that doing pronography of any kind is equitable to a human sexualty is harmful to bisexual people and if youre like uhhh im bi and i think its okay guess what you do not speak for every single bi person so you should try harder to be compassionate for other peoples level of comfort

in any case statements like these are hurtful to bi people equating voluntary sex work to a sexuality isnt okay and its something that person should maybe address and consider apologizing for but since this person only listens to people in their inner circle and they dont even really listen to them its unlikely that this person will ever make amends for past biphobic tendencies because as everyone has been so quick to point out being bi doesnt excuse biphobia or homophobia or anything of the sort editors note heterophobia is not a legitimate issue im sorry if you feel oppressed for your straightness but really thats a you issue 

here is one more screenshot where my friend basically covers what i have just said as well as reminding the world that the owner of nether receipts is a narcissist 

being a bisexual person does not excuse you from saying biphobic things and there is literally no identifier you can use for yourself that exempts you from criticism for your actions and it doesnt mean that people cant demand that you address the wrongs youve done or said

you dont have to listen you dont have to do anything but dont be surprised if you say something shitty to a group of people and they get mad at you

also all that being said what orion said was not biphobic if anything he is raephobic but lets be honest who isnt ok there thats my one funny haha for you

we have every right to criticize someone who creates simulated cp and shares it with minors in 18+ servers or someone who equated bisexuality to voluntary sex work or someone who accuses people who disagree with them of being fascists or nazis or someone who goes out of their way to repost and edit art in a mocking manner or someone who actively claims to own a fandom like these are all critique worthy behaviors that all come from the same person who never explains their actions never holds themselves accountable for the shit they cause like we as people who share the same space as this person have every write to call bull roar when we see it

it is no secret that i dislike his person and it is also no secret that i will not hesitate to the the opportunity to drag them for being a shitty person whenever the opportunity arises and since their most recent beef with me was about how i was a bad friend i guess i figured this would be a good time to come forward for one of my friends who received dozens of harassment messages and several death threats over his commentary on the actions of this one vile individual

and i am addressing them now if they ever end up reading this or when it is inevitably sent to this person 

if youve got a problem with the way he and i or other antis critique you maybe come out from behind your wall of dipshit cronies and talk to us your damn self i am very sick of having to deal with nasti or morgan or that one minor or suz or that person that runs the rp blog or any of the others in your little hoard im tired of them trying to be slick like we see you we see all of you

all of your simulated cp aside youve said some really shitty things that you could easily amend since youve likely learned more about what it means to be lgbt+ since it is now a community you see yourself being a part of 

part of being human is learning from your past and making a better version of yourself for tomorrow and although i think you are a really awful person i dont think youre above self betterment and self reflection and self awareness 

also you dont seem to care at all when threats are being tossed around by your buddies but no matter how much me or orion or any of the others dislike what you do no person in their right mind would be okay with sending death threats and you shouldnt either you should at the very least extend that courtesy 

anyway

fuck you asker youre full of trash garbage and i hope you have a not so good day like i hope it rains or something invalidate my friends identity and ill yell at clouds

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 2 - Open Book

Not even a full paragraph in and I have to call Weirdo on something. In the Twilight canon, it is often mentioned that vampires are always always always cold. Like, big old blocks of perfectly sculpted ice. But here, Eddie boy says that his skin had cooled to match the air around him. Can’t work that way. Either Pires are heat sinks that are always freezing, or their temperature can change based on the temperature around them. Can’t be both.

Also gonna bring up the chapter titles real quick. Maybe SM will try to hamfist it, but in Twilight the chapter titles were (supposedly) related to the chapter. First Sight was Bella (supposedly) falling in love at first sight w Edward, and Open Book was Bella going on about how she was an open book and couldn’t hide anything and wore her emotions on her face etc etc. It doesn’t make sense to me to keep the same chapter titles when we’re obstensively living in the head of a different character.

Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.

What SM was going for here was ‘Edward was so lost in his own head that he couldn’t even see the sky above him even though it was beautiful’ but this doesn’t work. Wanna know why? It’s because of this:  The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe - an awesome sight

Weirdo described the sky with perfect, flowery detail, expressed outright the colors that were swirling above him and the way the stars swirled and made shapes. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if he was too focused on his own thoughts to pay attention to it. This is what I mean when I say that SM hasn’t really mastered the First Person POV. This would have absolutely worked if instead of ‘I’ it had said ‘he’. 

As a note: Weirdo calling Bella ‘unremarkable’ in terms of how she looks just comes off as those shitty ‘you aren’t even that hot’ responses from people when they get rejected.

And Weirdo describing the way Tanya leaps at him reads really flat and boring. The play by play method to show how Graceful and Ethereal the Pires are is gross and the flat emotionless tone makes it read like a laundry list of actions. 

Chagrin sighting number two. And I’ve gotta say, this little thing with Weirdo and Tanya reads a little more realistically than any interaction between our main couple throughout the entire Twilight Saga. Sure, Widdle Eddie isn’t into her, but they’re openly and honestly communicating about it, which is more than Bella and Weirdo ever did.

Mostly Tanya preferred human men

This sentence right here completely invalidates Weirdo’s entire argument about how he would murder Bella with his Schlong if he ever gave into his desire for her, as there is clearly a way to hook up with a pathetic, weak human without killing them.

Two chagrins in one chapter, I am blessed.

though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return.

This goes back to that thing I was bitching about in chapter one about Weirdo and only reading surface level thoughts. He isn’t an empath, he can’t descern from her surface thoughts how deep her feelings might be. Based on how his power comes across, it’s likely that he can’t actually interpret any kind of tone at all, and is guessing at the emotion behind the thought. Just because Tanya makes a passing thought about Eddie that may be ‘unpure’ (gag) doesn’t mean that her feelings for him are strictly lusty and naughty.

By the way, it’s only chapter two and I’m already sick of hearing about Bella’s ‘chocolate brown eyes’.

That time jump that they did from Snowy Alaska back to Fork High cafeteria was jarring. We have literally travelled through space time to get back to The Plot(tm) as quickly as possible. Maybe, just maybe, it would have been beneficial to see some of Weirdo’s drive back, get some more introspection, more of an idea of how he plans to handle himself re: The Bella Thing, even if it is in his whiny, affected urple prose.

Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep.

Unlike our great, wonderful, perfect Pires, of course. They would never dare to try fitting in with the Sheep that they have decided to live among and try to blend in with. This goes to prove my point that SM’s Pires don’t give a flying shit about blending in with humans, even though it is supposedly Vampire Mafia Law that they don’t get exposed.

"Maybe you're not as scary as you think you are,"

Despite the fact that SM tries so hard to make him come off as the stereotype of ‘dumb jock’, Emmett deserves a better series than this one. Not being afraid to roast Weirdo is absolutely fucking A+ in my book.

We are, yet again, applying Pire logic and physics to not Pire things to show how Strong and Powerful and Amazing our Pires are. I must once again posit that these things are not Pires, and therefore, would not behave in this manner, even when a Pire is interacting with it.

I am once again unconvinced by this Let’s Shit On Jessica Stanley thing I’m having to schlock through. Sure, she’s a lil petty, but she doesn’t come across as overt mean girl bully and she never has. SM never made her feel like anything more than a (in fairness, extremely stereotypical) teenage girl trying to be nice to the new girl in school and being put off by her weird behavior.

Small point to make here, just because I realized how bored I was with the debate over whether Weirdo would go to class and murder Bella or not. Because this is a companion piece to an already published novel, we know what’s gonna happen. Now, a good author wouldn’t let that stop them from making the tension feel real. Even though I know the outcome, I would still be focused on the journey to get there. But I’m not, because it reads as dry and dull. The tension isn’t there and I’m not enjoying the journey to get to the ending I already know. The characters aren’t even likeable enough to keep me entertained. This is why companion pieces and POV shift retellings are so hard to do.

it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.

I feel like this is supposed to be the first lil glimmer that Weirdo is In LUV with Bella or whatever in this POV, but the thing is, his patronizing tone and the way he is seemingly always going on about how weak and pathetic Bella is just kinda makes it feel like he’s acting like her Dad. 

Though they didn't want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.

I only have one thing to say about this. Fuck You Edward Cullen.

I feel like Weirdo is starting to craft this idea of Bella in his head, much like he does with everyone else, but because he doesn’t have the crutch of using his surface thought mind reading powers, he has to guess at her thoughts (much like typical normal human people do because we’re weak and pathetic unlike the Pires), and he’s basically assigning her the thoughts he thinks she should be having. He’s crafting Bella into the perfect ideal for himself without taking her atonomy into consideration.

"Ladies first, partner?"

This is a continuity error. In Twilight, he did not say ‘Partner’, just ‘Ladies first’. It’s nitpickey, and I’m aware that it’s nitpickey, but it’s jarring if you know Twilight well enough to know the dialogue. If we’re going to see the same scene from a different POV, the only thing changing should be the inner monologue, not the dialogue between characters.

I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

Bzzzzt, no. I already talked about this earlier, but everything established in canon shows that Eddie doesn’t ever warm up. He and Bella cuddle under a blanket and he is still described as rock hard marble adonis ice. He can’t warm up, according to established canon.

And in this chapter, we finally start the Shitting On Mike Newton run. Mike is the fucking worst in this book and is treated like shit, all because -- can you guess??? -- all because he thought the new girl was pretty and had a little crush on her. Mike gets shit on SO FUCKING MUCH in this series just for daring to think Bella is pretty.

Ignorance was bliss to the human mind.

OR EDDIE YOU’RE JUST ARROGANT AND RUDE AND NOT AS INTERESTING AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. The Cullens fucking PRANCE around this school in their designer beige turtlenecks with their flashy fucking cars and look down their noses at the pleb humans who could never be as good as they are, and especially with the way SM wants to paint Forks as this fucking insular hick town where everyone knows everyone and are probably socioeconomically lower than American average, its RUDE AND GROSS and makes them look like stuck up fucking JERKS. But sure. Keep touting on about how humans are scared of you.

And yet again, we get an example of Eddie boy ignoring the fact that Bella (for all of her faults) is a HUMAN PERSON and not some game for him to play. ‘Wahhh, I can’t read her thoughts, that makes me angy and frustrated’ and whining about how he wants her to GO AWAY because her blood makes his froat hurt but how he wants her to stay because she’s so MYSTERIOUS AND DEEP. 

This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head.

And this is exactly the point I was making up there. Edward is making wild assumptions about Bella based solely on his experience with the human condition from his immortality, but he is also crafting her into what HE thinks is the right way for her to be in his mind without taking into consideration that she is a complex human with feelings and emotions. But instead of actually correcting himself, he continues to do this, and we know he does because he continues to posit that she’s deep and wise even though we know different from being in her POV for three and a half books. 

A lot more of this dialogue is changed from the conversation in the original Twilight than I thought. It should be easy to keep at least the dialogue consistent.

I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

This is the most true thing that Eddie is going to think in this entire book, and it isn’t even genuine and that upsets me so much.

my mother always calls me her open book.

I would like to use my solid four years of Twilight knowledge to point out that Bella Swan is not an open book, she’s a lying liar who lies about things, even though she says all the time that she doesn’t like lying. She was always going on about how she fakes her emotions for the benefits of others, she is not an open book at all.

The reason she was upset was because she thought I saw through her too easily.

And, of course, Weirdo eats this shit right the fuck up.

"I find you very difficult to read." "You must be a good reader then,"

This exchange didn’t make sense in Twilight, and it still doesn’t make sense here. Unless Bella is being sarcastic based on her previous statement, the exchange just... isn’t good. And it’s pretty clear that Bella isn’t being sarcastic. So. Explain it, someone, pls.

Emmett still deserves a better book than this one. He is literally out here like ‘Everyone makes mistakes, Eddie boy.’ But we are still talking about murder here, so... 

And that’s chapter two. I didn’t mean to do it all in one long post, but I couldn’t really see a good break in it to cut it in half. The human bashing is already getting worse and it’s making me annoyed. As you can probably tell from the Cap Locks. We get the first glimpse of Eddie being ‘protective’ that we know is gonna get creepy and paternal as the story goes along. And I know that SM was going for an old timey thing with Eddie, but Bella’s inner monologue was really dry and boring, and Weirdo is even worse in that area. Yet again, we see the First Person POV slipping. Little things that just don’t work in Eddie’s head.

Join me tomorrow for more, and thanks for reading along. 

[dcnativegal]

Day 55 of Pandemic, & I’m sick

Monday, May 4, 2020. Day 55 of the global pandemic (declared by World Health Organization on March 11th.) We as a planet hit 3,500,000 cases today, and 250,000 deaths. There are many more than that, but the planet doesn’t have enough tests.  But then, there was this announcement:

So obviously we’re in good hands. [Sarcasm alert.]

 The entire planet has slowed down, such that seismologists can detect the quieting of the earth: less shuddering of industry, cars, construction. Check out the drop in electricity usage:

Here’s a bit of perspective from Instagram:

The Lesbians of Paisley have been fertile ground for viruses. Valerie is nearly recovered from the viral pneumonia she was diagnosed with on March 26 at the emergency room at Lake District Hospital. She’d begun to feel feverish and achy, with violent coughing on March 15th, 2 days after what turned into my last day in my office at the hospital’s primary care clinic, and a day and a half after we’d dined with our friends Toni, Al, Bonnie and Bruce in person, sans masks. We began 100% isolation from the outside world the minute she felt sick. She recounted the ER adventure to a friend thusly: We drove in and they have organized a system that resembles getting on a [military] base after 9-11. We sat in the pickup at the checkpoint until a somebody in protective attire had taken my temp and saturation levels and asked a bunch of questions. Then they slapped a red sticker on the dash, told us to park in the ER lot and "don't get out of the pickup." Five hours later I had donated blood and been CAT scanned. I had two pneumonia shots that were current and two flu shots, also current. They checked the blood against 14 different virus strains and came up blank. The chest showed white lungs and my saturation levels were iffy. So they used one of the tests they had been sent, gave me antibiotics (just in case) and sent me home. Took me three days to sleep off all that fun.”

Me and Griffey the poodle waited in the pickup for her. At every sound, he got up from the passenger’s seat and looked at the ER entrance where she’d disappeared. No Valerie? Back to sleep. I walked him 3 times.      Hope, her RN daughter, told us that her flow through the ER was great practice in maintaining distance and perfect hygienic process through the CT scan, taking blood, even pushing her food on a tray to her. Lake Health District Hospital is prepared, and still, technically speaking, zero cases in the county.

I was so anxious about her health, her ability to breathe, that I gave up all thought of working from home. I listened to her breathing and coughing, brought her tea, and finally, asked her to write out her last will and testament. She did, and put it away. I figured, her kids are wonderful and won’t fight about stuff but, better for her to express her wishes, even if the paper wouldn’t be legally binding.

Apparently, I get the FrankenDodge (the pickup which has hit one too many deer and who’s grill is sewn together by wire). I’ll take it but I’d much rather have her.

We waited 10 days for the nasal swab results. While we waited, she got better. Never had that cytokine storm, nor that respiratory crash. Storms and crashes; pretty apt words for the medical horror of end stage COVID-19. Once her test came back negative, despite the warning of her PCP who says that nasal swabs miss between 30 and 47% of positive cases, I was able to go to town on the 10th of April, get some software downloaded onto the computer so I could work from home, and hit Safeway while wearing a mask. I also dropped off one of Valerie’s homemade masks to a friend, along with some toilet paper illustrated with Trump’s kissy face. The moment of levity was greatly appreciated.

I started feeling lousy six days after my jaunt to Lakeview (April 16th). Cough and release of gook high up in my chest. Headache. No fever. Who knows if I have COVID-19. We listen to a British gentleman, Dr. Campbell, daily, as he reviews what’s going on globally, and he interviewed a woman who had exactly my illness course, before she moved on to fever and gastrointestinal symptoms. She never got tested. Too much hassle. Which is so ridiculous, criminal really, and in the USA, a direct result of American hubris and incompetence. Fine. Anyone with any symptoms of any illness is isolated until we have a vaccine and treatment, is my prediction. I’m still feeling shitty, though better. Started taking antibiotics just in case and in the hopes of recovering SOMEDAY.

 My son Jonah and his girlfriend June escaped just in time the terrible plight of New York’s COVID19 deluge of infections and hospitalizations. They’ve been in Baltimore at June’s mother’s beautiful home. He spent his 26th birthday in the basement because they were still in quarantine. See adorable picture, below. Now they’re allowed upstairs, enjoying the quiet. Apparently, writing and directing music videos is not an essential service during a pandemic, but he’s writing pitches and living off the most recent lucrative gig with Kesha, thank goodness.

One of the most moving things that is happening in the USA during this time is the 7pm clapping ritual for medical workers and first responders in New York City, in all the boroughs:

There’s a firefighter in DC who’s going to hospitals and nursing homes to play the bagpipe.

That’s where my daughter Clara lives, in DC, but right now she’s staying with a friend in Laurel, MD, since her group house dynamics are stressful and had a symptomatic guest at last report. She’s working from home to make sure the Latinx school children are getting the tutoring they need now more than ever. We worry about her husband Jose and his country, Guatemala, since there are COVID-19 cases down there, and refugees seeking asylum are being dumped there, with and without the virus. Over 700 cases in Guatemala as of today. We hope he will get to the USA this year. However, Trump referred to it as a shithole country, which doesn’t bode well.

My sister and her husband are well, thankfully. They work fulltime from home in the company of Pepper the cat and Darcy the chocolate lab. Yuuki, 25, stays there, too, mostly in their room; they are out of work and applying for unemployment. Kohji, age 28, works from home in DC and makes more money as a web designer than I ever will after 34 years as a social worker, but who’s counting. (I remember well the admonition of a field instructor back in 1987: don’t go into social work for Power, Pay or Prestige.) His girlfriend is probably out of work; she works for a nonprofit that plants trees in DC. Probably not essential work right this very minute. Makoto, 23, is out of quarantine and looking for something to do; he’ll be a senior at the University of Delaware this fall. As far as I hear on Facebook and email, the rest of the folks with whom I share DNA are well. So that’s good. I worry about my Aunt Mary Lee who is 87. But she says not to:  she’s fine and her ritzy retirement community in McLean, VA is on “lockdown.”

Psychologically, in the experience of quarantine and ‘social distancing’, there’s me, and then there are my clients.

My moods go up and down, but a little further down than usual. The terror that Valerie might die of COVID-19 has passed, but I figure I will always need therapy.  I have “Facebook messenger” video chats with my therapist, Darcy of Bend, every other week now, which helps. Having ‘Generalized Anxiety Disorder’ and a tendency toward major depression, I find therapy to be a corrective. A bimonthly tune up. Without it, I naturally veer toward negativity and neurosis, and a hypervigilance that served me well when I was a child, but is exhausting, overwrought and over-thought as an adult.

Psychologically, Valerie is always fine. Seriously. She was once told as a young woman by a therapist who’d tested her with the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) that she was outrageously and puzzlingly normal. Now that she’s feeling mostly well again from the pneumonia, she’s been tearing up the joint, fixing the sump pump that apparently keeps this little house from drifting down main street on the wetlands it’s built on. Digging out the leaves from our irrigation ditch, chopping and clearing the wood from our front yard.

The BEFORE picture:

The AFTER Picture.

 And this happened one morning in March. Just a cattle drive past our front door.

Valerie’s planning a garden at her daughter’s place, which has a deer-proof fence and lots of sun up on the hill above us. A delivery of horse manure is scheduled, and the garden bed has been rototilled. Val’s granddaughter Jessica and her husband Alan are living up there now, working from home for their Portland-based gigs. They’re almost finished the 14-day quarantine since they moved down here. The new normal: anytime anyone leaves one locale for another, they disappear into strictest quarantine, not to leave their abode. Groceries are delivered to the doorstep. A recent day turned out to be Jess’ 25th birthday: I’d bought a canvas bag with a picture of a pug on it, like her dog Archie, and Valerie found something gluten free flour mix with fresh jam to give her. Birthday gatherings are suspect at the moment.

Here’s a lovely idea for quarantined birthday celebrations:

What a kind and generous offer.

Even in isolation, Val and I do socialize, on zoom. The one pictured below is church.

We ‘visit’ with our fellow parishioners from St. Luke’s on Sunday evenings. Then we say Compline together, from the Book of Common Prayer. My favorite prayer of all time is this one from that service.

Yes, shield the joyous. Because joy is fleeting.

Our writers’ group, Easy Writers, ‘meets’ on zoom every Monday now. I wrote this bit about my yarn for the prompt, ‘write something in your home that means a lot to you.’

I am doing a great deal of crochet and a little knitting.

Yarn is my comfort and my joy. It is the raw material I create blankets and scarves and hats with. My tools are hooks and needles made from wood and plastic and metal. My fingers are also my tools.

Some of the yarn is like cotton candy: spun mohair from a goat is said to have a ‘halo’ or ‘aura’ because of the gentle cloud of color you can see an inch or two away from the spun thread. Some yarn is like twine: you can see every string of ply. My favorite is merino wool and single ply. A unity of color that will not split. All for one and one for all, the fuzzy stuff is twisted and bound into a single string of strength…

My clients are stressed out. The pandemic adds a layer to the stress they were already experiencing. I listen and knit, from within the cocoon of the yarn room which my folks can see behind me.  One of my clients wanders about with her phone in her hand while I get slightly dizzy. I like this kind of counseling since I get a glimpse of my clients’ homes. Reminds me a little bit of being a geriatric care manager. You can tell a lot about a person from their home. From my home you can tell that I have a lot of yarn, and I work multiple projects at a time because there are piles of them alongside my recliner.  

One of the sad weights of being present for my clients is their level of estrangement for most if not all social connections, especially people with whom they share DNA. And every single one has what is called in the mental health world “complex PTSD” from multiple traumatic experiences.  I sit with them, on the phone or via video. I hope to model for them what Carl Rogers called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ I breathe deeply to release my own distress at their sadness. We explore one tiny step toward reducing their isolation, the sense of trust. All during a pandemic where other people could be carrying a potentially deadly virus.

It’s no wonder I’m pawing mohair out of screen for my own comfort.

Sometimes I email clients links or articles on how to keep their spirits up, or about good things that are happening instead of the dire predictions they’re listening to or watching. There is much to share that is hopeful.  I sent one to a client on creative ways to care for everyone and she shot back:

“I believe this is Liberal rhetoric. 

Esp the paragraph below:

 This current emergency provides the possibility for a new emergence—the birthing of a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people and the living Earth. “

Oh well. We can’t have a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people, now can we?

Sigh.

 Brilliant writing is being penned right now, since the entire planet’s human inhabitants are barely one degree of separation away from this virus, which is apparently ‘barely alive’ and therefore hard to kill, as it spreads onward to make millions miserable and hundreds of thousands die.

I’m saving articles from The Atlantic, The NY Times, and the Washington Post, and following a historian named Heather Cox Richardson who writes a daily blog called Letters from an American. In a recent post she writes:

“The big news … has been the ‘protests’ of state governors’ stay-at-home orders and mandatory business closings to try to contain the novel coronavirus …These protests are a classic example of trying to control politics by controlling the national narrative. The protests are backed by the same conservative groups that are working for Trump’s reelection. …These are not spontaneous, grassroots protests. They are political operations designed to divert attention from the Trump administration’s poor response to the pandemic. Even more, though, they are designed to keep the American public divided so that we do not protest the extraordinary economic inequality the pandemic has highlighted.

These protests have diverted the national conversation by turning a national crisis into partisan division along the lines the Republican Party has developed since the 1980s... The change of subject protects not just Trump but also the ideology at the heart of his Republican Party. Since 1981, Republicans have argued that the economy depends on wealthy businessmen who know best how to arrange the economy—the makers-- and that it is vital to protect their interests. Under their policies, wealth in America has moved upward. The pandemic has highlighted how these policies have removed economic security for ordinary people. They cannot pay their bills, and they might well turn against an ideology that uses our tax dollars to bail out corporations while they must risk their lives to pay their rent.”  [Emphasis mine]

I am so glad someone smarter than me can reveal the interconnections of what’s going on politically.

There is food for thought on Facebook and Instagram: in the guise of a rewrite of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese, this poem.

Mary Oliver for Corona Times (after Wild Geese)

by Adrie Kusserow

You do not have to become totally zen, You do not have to use this isolation to make your marriage better, your body slimmer, your children more creative. You do not have to “maximize its benefits” By using this time to work even more, write the bestselling Corona Diaries, Or preach the gospel of ZOOM. You only have to let the soft animal of your body unlearn everything capitalism has taught you, (That you are nothing if not productive, That consumption equals happiness, That the most important unit is the single self. That you are at your best when you resemble an efficient machine). Tell me about your fictions, the ones you’ve been sold, the ones you sheepishly sell others, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world as we know it is crumbling. Meanwhile the virus is moving over the hills, suburbs, cities, farms and trailer parks. Meanwhile The News barks at you, harsh and addicting, Until the push of the remote leaves a dead quiet behind, a loneliness that hums as the heart anchors. Meanwhile a new paradigm is composing itself in our minds, Could birth at any moment if we clear some space From the same tired hegemonies. Remember, you are allowed to be still as the white birch, Stunned by what you see, Uselessly shedding your coils of paper skins Because it gives you something to do. Meanwhile, on top of everything else you are facing, Do not let capitalism coopt this moment, laying its whistles and train tracks across your weary heart. Even if your life looks nothing like the Sabbath, Your stress boa-constricting your chest. Know that your antsy kids, your terror, your shifting moods, are no less sacred than a yoga class. Whoever you are, no matter how broken, the world still has a place for you, calls to you over and over announcing your place as legit, as forgiven, even if you fail and fail and fail again. remind yourself over and over, all the swells and storms that run through your long tired body all have their place here, now in this world. It is your birthright you be held deeply, warmly, in the family of things, not one cell left in the cold.

-Adrie Kusserow

 Not one cell left out in the cold. Yes.

There is so much to be grateful for. I have a place to live, and even while paying off my bankruptcy debt, I have plenty. Enough that I can make small donations here and there. Here’s one cause I found: supporting foster children who were in college and now have no place to go. (Terrible visuals for the logo: it’s “Together We Rise.”)

Soon, the nights of below freezing temperatures will pass, and both Lesbians of Paisley will be healthy at the same time.  Perhaps I’ll get my Tricycle-for-Grownups serviced and toodle around for exercise. Perhaps the Stitch & Bitch knitting/crochet gatherings will resume, maybe in a park for physical distance and social connection.

And maybe I’ve already had Covid-19, and so has Valerie. Looks like 50-70% of all the people on the planet, not quite 8 billion humans so maybe 4 to 6 billion people, need to catch this thing in order to give our species herd immunity. Or WILL catch it because we have no way to stop it, only to slow the infections so that health care is not overwhelmed. We live and Love in the Time of Coronavirus, to paraphrase Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I maybe a libtard, a snowflake, a lily-livered liberal, who’s heart bleeds. But I agree with this sentiment, found on Facebook, our American ‘commons’:

Love absurdly and abundantly, my people. And wash your hands. 

[dirtycreekwater]

ok my irl best friend requested a platonic Prinxiety for number 11 from the writing prompt so here have a shitty, messy drabble thing idek.

prompt: “If you keep squeezing that hard, you’ll break my hand.”

warning for very small amount of hurt/comfort. but mostly this is just a silly, kinda fluffy piece.

-

“Anxiety!” Roman yelled cheerfully, and a little too loudly, startling the anxious facet who was sat on the couch, listening to his music.

“Jesus.. What, Princey? Is my presence just annoying you that much?” Anxiety asked, staring up at the annoying man in confusion.

Roman pouted at his harsh tone, and crossed his arms.

“Why do you always assume that I’m annoyed with you?”

Anxiety scoffed.

“Because you literally always are.”

Roman pursed his lips trying to think of what to say next. The more he thought about it the more he realized he didn’t necessarily have a reason to be bothering Anxiety at this exact moment. Maybe he just missed their childish bickering. It had been a while since they picked on each other, and as annoying as it was it was also kind of fun.

“Maybe I just want to hang out with you!” Roman threw his hands up in defense which made Anxiety flinch a bit.

“Sir sing a lot wants to hang out with the emo nightmare?” Anxiety scoffed as he looked away. “Okay, real funny. Who put you up to this? Logan, right? Makes the most sense. Patton actually likes me, and couldn’t ever hurt someone like this.”

Roman’s frown deepened as he listened to Anxiety’s heart wrenching words.

“Anxiety. No one put me up to anything. I’m here on my own accord.” Roman stated truthfully. Anxiety looked back at him in disbelief.

“Yeah, okay.” Anxiety replied sarcastically, and shook his head. He refused to believe this. It didn’t make sense. They always hated when the other appeared, and were always bickering. Why would he want to spend time with someone that drives him crazy?

“Do you trust me?” Roman said with a hand held out bringing Anxiety back to earth.

“What? Dude, your Aladdin shtick isn’t gonna work-”

“Do. you. trust. me?” Roman repeated making Anxiety roll his eyes as hard as he possibly could.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.” Anxiety replied in an annoyed tone still not accepting Roman’s hand.

“If you trust me you’ll take my hand.”

Anxiety stared at his hand then looked back up at him with a look of repulsion.

“Then I guess I don’t trust you.” Anxiety replied, smirking.

Roman huffed in defeat, and sat next to Anxiety.

“You tried, you failed, I’m going to sleep.” Anxiety said as he started to get up. He was quickly pulled back down by Roman.

“Anxiety. Hang out with meeee.” Roman was whining now, and Anxiety couldn’t believe that this was his life right now.

“If I hang out with you, you have to promise to never grab me again, and please for the love of everything good never whine like that again. Especially not for me.” Anxiety said still wearing a look of disgust.

Anxiety was confused when he was met with silence. He looked at Roman to see what the problem was, and immediately regretted it.

Roman had his pinky finger held out, and a stupid grin on his face.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Anxiety sighed as he stared at the pinky.

“Come onnnn…” Roman encouraged making Anxiety groan.

“You’re such a child.” Anxiety said as he reluctantly wrapped his pinky around Roman’s.

“I know you are, but what am I?” Roman asked in a childish tone.

Anxiety shot him a look that said “really?” He quickly shut up.

“So, what are we doing?” Anxiety asked in a bored tone. He was already hating this.

“We could watch movies!” Roman exclaimed.

“Let me guess. Disney?” Anxiety groaned. He loved Disney almost as much as Roman did, but he’d be lying if he didn’t say he was a little sick of it.

“Well.. no. Perhaps we could watch a movie of your choosing?” Roman suggested.

Anxiety’s mouth twisted into a mischievous smirk which greatly worried the prince.

“Yeah, sure. Gimme a sec.” Anxiety said as he snapped & vanished.

Roman could hear the mischief in his voice. He wasn’t sure if he liked it.

A few seconds later Anxiety returned, startling Roman. He had about five DVDs in his hands.

“Are those what I think they are?” Roman asked hesitantly.

“If you’re thinking a few of my favorites from my creepy and disturbing horror movie collection then you’d be correct.” Anxiety’s smirk widened as he watched Roman cower in fear. He was going to enjoy this.

Or so he thought.

A few hours later they were on their third movie.

They couldn’t tell when it happened, maybe between the first and second, but Roman & Anxiety were huddled together in fear.

They were even holding hands.

Roman vaguely remembers grabbing Anxiety’s hand towards the middle of the second movie. He sensed Anxiety’s nerves, and while he was terrified himself he felt he had a duty to protect his anxious friend.

Anxiety doesn’t remember. Everything’s been a terrifying blur of scary noises, and heart attack inducing jumpscares. He does remember screaming a few times however, and that Roman was there. And as long as Roman was there nothing could hurt him. He was a dragon slaying prince after all.

“Anxiety?” Roman said softly as he didn’t want to startle him.

“W-What, Roman?” Anxiety’s voice was shaky making Roman worry even more.

Maybe some light hearted humor would help.

“If you keep squeezing that hard, you’ll break my hand.” Roman chuckled as he glanced at their hands then back to Anxiety who was now blushing.

Anxiety’s hand was paper white from the death grip he had on Roman juxtaposed with the rose tint in his cheeks. Roman wouldn’t dare say it out loud, but he found it kind of cute.

“Oh, shut up, Princey. You’ve squeezed my hand just as tight since this movie started, and nothing’s even happened.”

Anxiety huffed angrily as he let go of Roman’s hand.

Roman frowned, and quickly took Anxiety’s hand back in his.

“It’s okay, Anx. You can break my hand if it makes you feel better.” Roman smirked.

Anxiety rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need to do anything. I’m fine.”

However this statement was quickly made false as a shadowy figure on the staircase made him scream and jump.

The lights immediately flickered on revealing a tired, and confused looking Logan.

“What are you two doing?” Logan asked as he stared at the two terrified facets in confusion.

“Well, obviously we’re having sex. Why do you think Anxiety was screaming so much? Thanks for interrupting.” Roman replied sarcastically leaving Logan completely speechless.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROMAN!”

Roman immediately bursted into a fit of giggles at Anxiety’s outburst, and slid off the couch so he could avoid being hit by the angry facet.

“I.. I can’t deal with this. I’m going back to bed.” Logan said in a tone that implied he was completely done with the others ridiculous antics as he headed back upstairs. He didn’t even bother to turn the lights off again.

A few minutes later Roman’s laughter died down, and he now had to face the consequences of his childish humor.

He could feel Anxiety’s eyes burning into his skull. He reluctantly turned around to meet his gaze.

“Anxiety..” Roman started hoping he wasn’t too angry.

“Just shut up, and finish these stupid movies with me.” Anxiety sighed as he laid back in his original spot.

“You’re not mad?” Roman asked as he took his spot back next to Anxiety.

“Well, I’m not exactly ecstatic over the fact that you told Logan we were fucking, but the look on his face was kinda funny. Messing with Logan is fun. So, I’ll give you some props.” Anxiety said as he fiddled with the tv remote, ready to play the movie again.

Roman hummed in response as a self satisfied smirk grew on his lips. Anxiety rolled his eyes, and playfully punched him on the arm.

“That doesn’t mean you’re totally off the hook. I’ll get you back at some point.” Anxiety said making Roman frown.

“Well, it’s a good thing I have blackmail.” Roman said making Anxiety scoff.

“Yeah, okay.”

Instead of saying anything Roman unlocked his phone, and showed Anxiety the picture he took of their hands.

“Princey, I swear to god I’m gonna fucking kill you.” Anxiety said as he tried to snatch Roman’s phone away, but to no avail.

“I won’t show the others, or the fanders if you promise to not get revenge on me.” Roman offered.

“Fine, whatever. Can we just get back to the stupid movie now?” Anxiety asked impatiently.

Roman nodded so Anxiety resumed the movie. Unfortunately for them they paused just moments before a scary part.

Anxiety shrieked, and immediately grabbed Roman’s hand again.

Roman smirked as he looked over at the scared boy.

“How did we go from you absolutely refusing to take my hand to you practically breaking it every time you get scared in merely a few hours?”

“The same way you went from being a somewhat decent friend back to an idiotic asshole again.” Anxiety replied, never taking his eyes off the movie.

“Touché, Anxiety. Touché.”

[legendofgrump]

OC Breakdown: Your Guide to Which Fucked Up Dorks to Love and Which Ones to Hate

This is gonna be a looooong post but if you’re interested in my OCs then buckle up because I think you might like it! I’m just gonna give you guys some little blurbs about who’s who, since I’ve gotten a ton of new people that seem to be interested since the last time I explained it. Under a cut because sheer length~

Firefly: Origin from an old Grump AU that turned into an OC, hence why he looks so much like Dan. He’s a harbinger of death who hosts lost souls in the form of fireflies and tries to help them move on to the afterlife by helping them accomplish whatever unfinished business they have. He’s very helpful and unselfish, but doesn’t take great care of himself. Luckily, he’s immortal so he can get away with it more than others can. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that he! needs! sleep!

Marianne: A big, 6′4″ spider-creature with one eye and four arms. She’s very animal-like, like a big doggo that loves to be petted. She kiiiind of feeds off of humans usually, but she’s curbed that for other meats since she became a part of normal human society. Now the biggest danger to you is the possibility that she might eat your entire garden. She’s very strong and fast, but also was kicked out of her homeland because of some heavy manipulation by someone she considered a friend. Now she kind of has trust issues with both others and herself.

Melanie “Snail” Rose: Literally never call them Melanie. It’s their birthname but they would immediately tense up if you called them that. Mostly because they left the name behind because 1) Too Girly and 2) it’s the name they went by when they were in a shitty abusive relationship with their last boyfriend. But then they chopped all their hair off, changed their name, and moved far away so that they could get away from that guy, so they’re much happier now. Plus, I mean, they’re a Sick freelance artist now which is their dream. Also a memelord with a massive sex drive.

Andy the Android: Originally named “Flirtbot3000″ and created by some shut-in nerds that think of women as objects, they were designed to literally be like a human sex doll. But I mean, they’re a robot, so they’re not actually human. You get the idea. But somewhere along the line, that went haywire, Andy had a massive glitch and lapse of memory, fell in love with a backwater bumfuck farmboy named Daniyal and essentially turned into a happy housewife. They love cooking and clothes and just making things Pretty, but are also lowkey the Mom Friend. Like they get Baby Fever really easily and love love love children.

Beauregard “Bo” Gray: One half of the Partners In Crime, Bo came from an affluent household and became a rebellious college kid just looking for a thrill. He got super into alcohol and partying way before he really should have and got tied up with this small chick named Esky. He gets into robbery and gunmanship just for the thrill of it and also because he totally falls in love way too easily. A dumb alcoholic that just loves love, basically. He tries his best, but sometimes he’s too posh for his own good.

Esky Clarke: The other half of the Partners In Crime. She lived a rough life until she decided to take matters into her own hands. She lives off of whatever she steals and travels the world trying not to get caught by police. She’s a self-taught gunner and pretty ruthless because she believes it’s either fight for what you need, or get nothing. But she still knows how to have a good time and loves to fuck around with people by hustling them in gambling or something.

Venus Milo Cordette: Venus is an alien from outerspace that came to Earth for an adventure and ended up becoming an international pop star. She tries her best to keep the fact that she’s an alien under wraps by hiding her third eye under her bangs and pretending that her unnatural skin tone is extreme dedication and body paint. But she’s also very unknowledgeable about the world around her, so she often fucks up things that any human would know (i.e. where she’s from). She’s kinda goofy, but super sweet and lovable, and very much cares about the people that are nice to her. She’s super curious and loves to learn new things about the Earth, but sometimes she has trouble retaining it.

Bailey Ames: A nonbinary buttkicker. Bailey is here to kick ass if you fuck with anyone they care about. Or if you’re just a general dick. Not afraid to punch an asshole for catcalling them. Loves their two girlfriends to death and has been with them both since high school. They’re a hair stylist at the local salon, but they also absolutely adore painting, especially landscapes and abstract pieces. They’re the type of person that will say hi to you if you look lonely at the bus stop and to start conversations by asking for your pronouns.

Megan Blackwell: She looks like your typical valley girl, and sounds like one, too, but she’s too busy getting her PhD in Quantum Physics to give a shit what you think about it. She’s overworked and can only afford college because of the tons of scholarships and the work study she takes on, but she’s not the type to give up even if it seems impossible. She’d much sooner chug 8 energy drinks and stay up until 6am finishing that paper than admit defeat. She’s typically very cold to warm up to people, but she’s very loving once she does and a very affectionate person who likes to be touchy. Also one of Bailey’s girlfriends.

Nikki Osborne: Bailey and Megan’s girlfriend that completes the trifecta of Polybabes. She dropped out of high school to become a rockstar because she believed in her little garage band of her friends. (The band is called Death Kittens, by the way.) The fact that she feels like she’s let a lot of people down by dropping out only pushes her forward in trying even harder and making things succeed. She’s the bassist, and by day she works a shitty minimum wage job to make sure she’s not mooching off her girlfriends. She’s a generally chill and relaxed person unless she’s majorly stressed out, but she’ll usually lock herself away if that happens.

Leanna “Cookie” Lewis: A cute, sheepy, trans boy that lived with just his mom growing up. He learned everything he knows from her, which is great, because he loves his mom more than anything. His favorite pass time is baking, especially pastries, and he’s a real whiz in the kitchen, but he’s also pretty talented at playing the ukulele. He’s very shy and anxious and prefers to stay out of confrontation, which is why he usually flocks toward more confrontational extroverts to keep him safe (though he doesn’t do it on purpose). He works as a little barista at a coffee shop, which wouldn’t be so bad if his coworkers weren’t actual assholes.

Blythe Abilene: Blythe is the Goddess of Illusions and lovingly refers to herself as “Aphrodite, but with the body of Adonis” since she’s trans. She’s pretty confident in herself, mostly because she’s literally a God among mortals, and sometimes it gets a little out of hand. For the most part though, she’s just a professional prankster, who loves to torture mortals with what she calls “Fun Houses,” where she essentially turns their home into a cacophony of small inconveniences. Anything from “can’t open your underwear drawer” to “coffee pot full of butterflies” to “all furniture moved one inch to the left” is fair game, but nothing too threatening.

Cleona Arkan: She’s an avid inventor, aiming to invent AI technology that’s better than ever. But she doesn’t always go through....legal means. Which just makes her a little bit paranoid about getting caught because she knows she’ll be detained and, more important, her inventions taken from her and used for who-knows-what. She’s very talented with computers and robotics alike, even going so far as to invent Glitch who, though not a success, is still pretty successful at other things. She’ll also help patch up Andy from time to time, if they need a little tune-up.

Maxim: A demon meant to take advantage and feed off of mortal anxieties. He lives on the other side of your mirror and takes advantage of that. He’s the most irredeemable asshole to ever exist and he takes pride in that. He’s so narcissistic that you couldn’t possibly hurt his feelings with words or remarks about his personality because he thinks he’s amazing. Though he is susceptible to well placed punches. He’s not above using anything against you, whether it be slurs or just subtle jabs at whatever you’re most sensitive about. Just the worst.

Gigi Moore: Based on old 50′s Disney cartoon style. She’s meant to be from the past, where things were much Different than they are now. She’s a bit of an antithesis to Maxim, as she’s also susceptible to saying things that aren’t Acceptable, but she tries to learn from them when she’s corrected. She used to be a 50s housewife to her husband before she ended up where she is now, but comes to find out she’s actually a very repressed lesbian. At first she has a hard time coming to terms with it, but being around positive influences helps her to learn and better herself and actually accept herself for who she is.

The Glitch: Cleona’s invention. She’s got an old CRT monitor for a head and four arms, but, as exemplified by her name, she doesn’t exactly do what she’s supposed to. She was designed to be a cleaning robot, made perfectly for cleaning up anything and everything. Except....she’s not waterproof and, the first time Cleona tried to get her to do some dishes, she got water in her circuits and it made her flip out. She’s constantly having an identity crisis and just wants to be useful, but honestly she’s not sure how to do it since she can’t do what she was made for.

Rory of Rine: Rory was born in some kind of Legend of Zelda, High Fantasy bullshit land in a village full of normal people. Except that he’s a special person who was born with the unfortunate ability to see how someone will die the first time they touch him. For the longest time it plagued him, but eventually he fessed up and told his grandmother about it. The two of them tried to get him help, but it only served to make his village angry and fearful, gouging out his eyes and then chasing him out of the village. So for many years he lived on his own, raising cows peacefully and coming to terms with himself. And now he’s slowly learning to not repress things as he dates Daniyal (along with Andy, it’s a poly thing).

Ellie Ross: She’s an empath with a strong need for attention and affection. She only feels worth for herself if someone else is validating her, so she constantly craves other people’s love, which is how she falls into Maxim’s hold for the longest time. She does a lot of questionable things that aren’t necessarily good, but all she’s looking for is to feel good about herself. She’s also got the ability to briefly manipulate people’s emotions, which helps in making people like her, but it only holds for so long unless she actively holds them herself.

Diana “Wolf” Lowell: A trans boy werewolf with a tragic past. He’s on a path of vengeance to find the person who killed his beloved Fang. Maxim promises him the chance to get that person if Wolf helps him out some, so of course he agrees. He’s driven by anger and angst, but ultimately just wants closure and to feel Okay again. He’s overly aggressive and, well honestly, more of a lycan than a werewolf, since he can transform at will. But I call him a werewolf so.

Ant: Ant is but ten years old and fell into Maxim’s grasp because they didn’t have anything else and he was all they really knew. They weren’t raised in the best of conditions (and honestly they weren’t “raised” at all), so they’re constantly caked in dirt and grime and blood. Which, honestly, they’ve grown used to and now it’s just familiar to them. Their use for Maxim comes from their ability to communicate and summon ants--hence the name--the best part being that those ants can then form a larger, rideable ant, which Ant has named Leafcutter, very creatively. They’re a bit wild, but just generally an actual Child, where they like to have fun and feel loved and useful.

Lyar (of Quadrant 85439): The son of a diplomat that absolutely hates politics. More specifically, an alien boy that is meant to take over the job after his father passes it down to him. He’s been groomed all his life to take over the position and become the next voice for his people, but he absolutely hates it. Not to mention, he’d be horrible for the job considering he’s a compulsive liar with no desire to be kind to anyone who has nothing to offer him. He’s more interested in fashion and, essentially comes to Earth to get away from his family. He doesn’t have a mouth, so his main mode of communication is ASL, which he learned as part of his training to communicate with other planets. (He knows roughly 8,000 different languages, though not all of them Well.)

Arthur “Artie” Jackson: A simple boy with a simple dream to become a world famous hockey player. Except it took him the longest time to realize he was gay and now he’s Really Nervous About It. His best friend Jade, who used to be his girlfriend, is the only other person who really knows about it and he’d never dare to tell his team for fear of the repercussions. But he’s very dedicated to his sport and keeps dragging out his college years because he keeps getting offered scholarships if he stays “just one more year.” Also he drives a motorcycle which is super cool.

Adara of Derva: Adara is a faun who was raised in a simple village to a simple family. Except that a great evil was foretold for their village and their older sister, Jaya, would be the one to save it. Except Jaya was selfish and went off on an adventure before she could get the power necessary to do the saving, so Adara was saddled with her destiny instead. They were gifted magical fire powers from a local witch and trained to use them, but when the time came to defeat the beast, they couldn’t bring themselves to do it in time and their whole village was destroyed. They spent the rest of their life looking for a new place to settle down and trying to move past their own mistakes.

King Balthazar Leviarn III: He’s a young king, but a king nonetheless. His father died far too soon in a war for the kingdom and Balthazar took the throne, though his mother still assists him in governing. His mother is much more cold and dedicated to keeping things running smoothly and effectively, rather than doing what’s morally right, whereas Balthazar is a more caring and nurturing kind of guy. He likes to protect his people and wouldn’t hesitate to take the front lines in a war he believed in, just like his father had before him.

Dahlia Harrison: Dahlia is the lead guitarist in Nikki’s band Death Kittens. She’s the oldest of the four members, though only by a year and a half. While the other three are much more outward with their emotions, Dahlia is a more quiet and thoughtful type. That being said, if you make her mad, she has a cold fury that will literally ruin you from the inside out. The only person she’s overtly open and emotional with is her girlfriend Toshiko.

Toshiko Koizumi: Lead singer of Death Kittens and probably the least assuming one of the group. She’s very much into cutesy and sweet things more than typically punk things. And she definitely dresses as such, too. But the band happily accepts her and knows that she can lay down some sick bars about angsty emotions. She was born in Japan, but moved to America with her dad after her parents got divorced. She still has a great relationship with her mom, but they don’t get to see each other as often since she’s still in Japan. But she’s also a very extroverted and friendly girl that loves to chat to people about whatever they’re interested in, and she loves her girlfriend Dahlia to death.

Cynthia “Cynth” Woods: The very small, but very high energy drummer of Death Kittens. She’s the one that came up with the name and is constantly coming up with new ideas about the band in general. She’s probably the most actively dedicated (though none of the others are apathetic toward the band at all). She’s fiery and a bit prideful, but definitely deserves to be with how talented she is at her craft. She’s even perfected drumming with four drumsticks at once, as ridiculous as it sounds. Still, Cynth is a good and loyal friend that will stomp your organs in if you fuck with her or someone she cares about.

Lorna: Lorna is similar to Maxim in terms of origin. She also comes from the land behind your mirror, but she’s a personification of depression instead of anxiety. She’s much less aggressive, but also very compelling when it comes to convincing you that everything would be better if you just slept it all away (or worse). She’s extremely unmotivated to do things unless they adhere to some stupid impulse that may or may not be harmful to herself. But she’s a generally kind person who really just needs some love in her life. Unfortunately, the kind of love she doesn’t need is the massive crush Maxim has on her.

Ethan Parks: Ethan is one of Snail’s friends from art school. He was a graphic design major that lived for making things look clean and Super Cool. He was a little bit of a lazy ass when it came to college, waiting until the last minute on every project, but had that magical talent of making something amazing the night before every time. He’s a little bit goofy, but a good-hearted boy nonetheless, and loves to party and hang out with friends until late into the night.

Jack Hughes: Another one of Snail’s art friends. Jack was more interested in videography, cinematography, and performance art. He’s pretty shy and quiet off-camera, but once he’s got something to perform, he seems like a total extrovert. He’s not afraid to get the public involved in his pieces as well, even if it’s something really weird, but when he shows it off for critique or just because someone asked to see his work, he gets extremely shy and stutters a lot trying to explain it. He’ll definitely geek out about anything film related, especially when it comes to improv and camera work.

Kitty Dupree: Kitty is the resident studio major of the friend group. She loves painting and has always wanted to have her work in a gallery. She usually works with canvas and paint, but she’s definitely not shy about experimenting with different mediums. Her canvases tend to be HUGE and her materials can range from normal paint to literal blood, so all of her paintings are generally exciting to look at. Though she’s a big fan of abstract pieces, so don’t expect to find immediate meaning in them. She’s generally bubbly and affectionate, and lives life with the mindset of “friends until you’re a dick” right from the moment she meets you.

Jonah King: They were Snail’s roommate in college, and a totally great friend for them when they were going through a rough time. Jonah is a little softspoken, but otherwise outgoing and friendly! They’re an extremely talented sketch artist that fills sketchbook after sketchbook with gestures and people-watching studies. They’re almost always doodling, but also very attentive and good at listening. Jonah is just an all around great friend to have, honestly.

[jasminespersonal]

Mom.

It’s been some time since I’ve talked to you and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been going through so much lately and can’t even begin to describe how I feel about any of it. 

Let’s start with saying, I left my house. May 8th. I had to go. The money I was putting into it and everything I was trying to do with it, wasn’t going to be worth it in the long run for me. So I put in an application for an apartment and everything was moving so fast but I was both sad and excited for the future. Everything with the application went smoothly, I was approved the next day, I was allowed to bring the cats, it had a pool and a gym and other cool stuff. It was in Middle River so not too far from either job or friends. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. They raised my move-in money, 2 days before I was supposed to pick up the keys as well as my security deposit so they wanted about $2k up front just for me to move in. And that didn’t count the BGE fee that I needed to pay for getting that turned on and the few other fees they added on last minute as well. It just became a little too much and there was no way I was coming up with $2,500 in 5 days so I talked to this girl who lived in the same complex and she was gonna sublet it to me and it seemed like a win/win for the both of us. I didn’t need to pay a security deposit or any other extra crazy outrageous fees in order to move in. All I needed to do was have the money for June 1st aka my first months rent. Yeah, well, that didn’t quite work out how I wanted it to either. She basically stole $1,200 from me and I got nothing in return. So now I have to take her to court or at the very least, set up a mediation meeting.

I just know that I miss my kitties and I miss being able to have something to call my own. I miss having a place of my own and my own space and my solitude. The first 2 weeks after I initially left my house, I was staying with Erin, Aunt Judie or John. Kinda going back & forth between the 3 but Aunt Judie has soooo much going on with selling her house, selling her things, trying to find a new house, etc. She no longer wants to go to Florida. Now she’s thinking about Delaware. Still on the water and a hell of a lot closer. So I’m cool with that. Erin has 4 kids and she’s in the process of leaving the father of 3 of them; aka her shitty ass ex boyfriend. And John was just a 2 night thing. I’m sure you would’ve loved to see something come out of that but I felt bad for feeling like I was leading him on more than I already have in his lifetime and I would really rather not lose our friendship. 

In the process of all of this absolute chaos, I have managed to meet a guy. Well, I didn’t just meet him. I’ve known him about 2 years; since I’ve started working at PatRick’s. Oh boy, I don’t know how you’d feel about this one and that kinda drives me crazy sometimes if I think about it for too long. I’d like to think and believe I’ve grown up a lot since you’ve been gone but sometimes he makes me question that and almost every choice I’ve made up until this point in my life. Haven’t decided if that’s a good or bad thing yet. But he’s great. Pretty opinionated on EVERYTHING which sometimes drives me up a fucking wall and a little jealous, more so when he’s drinking, but besides that, he’s caring, compassionate, goal-oriented, and loving. So far, all I know for sure is that he makes me happy. Completely and insanely happy. Which is both terrifying and exciting. Every time I let myself feel happy, I fuck it up somehow. I do something wrong or I say the wrong things or I just distance myself so much that the only choice they have left is to stop trying to talk to me since I never respond and always have an excuse to not hang out. 

So far, it’s been about a month and things have been good. Kinda. We have our days. Which, I’ve noticed a pattern, is only when we’re both drinking. Something he does will be stupid and I’ll overreact or I’ll say something careless and he’ll take it to heart or he just all in all questions my every move or wonders what kind of ulterior motive I have, even though there never is one. I’ve been staying at his house for like, 2 & a half weeks now since things with the apartment fell through. 

Yesterday I found a promising apartment and I’m really hoping things work out and I can finally have a place to call my own once again for the sake of my own sanity and my cats. I feel so bad for having to move them around so much in the meantime of all of this. I miss them so much. They always knew how to cheer me up or make me feel better when I’m down and out but I haven’t seen them in almost a week now :(

Amanda and I are also no longer friends. Which lately has been eating me alive. We were always each other’s back bone for so long and now both of us are just trying to pretend like it doesn’t bother us and like we were never friends to begin with. Stupid, I know. But you should know I’m too stubborn for my own good so I’m sure as hell not going to apologize first. I’ve thought about it over and over and over again. I’ve written her so many letters that I just ended up burning or throwing away because I’m tired of being the one to sweep things under the rug and apologizing to people just for the sake of not losing their friendship. I got to the point of apologizing to other people so much, even though I didn’t do anything wrong, just to make the argument or fight stop completely. But this time, I didn’t. Not sure if that means she was never my real friend to begin with or not. It’s shitty either way.

I wish you were here to give me some kind of guidance. I’d even settle for a phone call because I have so many questions. What am I doing wrong? Where do I go next? I feel so defeated. I feel like I’m constantly taking 2 steps forward and 20 steps back. I refuse to let myself get my hopes up for anything. Every time I do it just leads back to more disappointment and I’m so sick of it. I’m not sure if I remember what genuine happiness in life feels like anymore. I just need some kind of answers and guidance. I miss you. I feel like I’ve lost everyone and nobody is in my corner anymore. I’m trying my fucking best and nobody seems to notice. Not even the universe. Everything and everyone is just working against me these days and I know this is all such a shitty outlook on life and things but I can’t help it. Every time I feel like things are finally working in my favor and going my way, the universe smacks me in the face once more and I just inevitably feel disappointed once again.

On the plus side, I’m finally doing something with my tattoo. I got some of it colored in and I added a rose; partially. It’s on my elbow and that didn’t tickle. Haha. Still have one more session to go so we can add a background and pull it all together. I think you’d love it if you were here to see it.

I think all I need to hear is that someone, somewhere, is proud of me. Whether it’s everything I’ve already accomplished since you’ve died or what I’m trying to accomplish with what very little I have to go off of right now. I don’t even have a bed to call my own right now but I’m damn sure still determined to change that and have better for myself and my life. And my cats. They don’t deserve to have such a shit cat mom. Ugh.

I need some kind of sign that I’m making the right choices and I’m on the correct path that I need to take to get what I want in life. I just need to know I’m doing the next best thing for myself.

[s3venpounds]

1-102

102 questions? damn thats gonna be tough my guy but aight

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

i do. at least, i trust in them enough to not take the phrase lightly.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

considering im 22 thats not that huge of a gap, considering some people have like a 10 year difference. so yeah i guess

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

pretty recently actually, went to a birthday party of an acquaintance and i didn’t really enjoy myself til i went to sing karaoke but my drunk friend was being hella annoying at the same time

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i do that on the daily so yeah

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i mean probably, humans can’t do ANYTHING without having both a positive and negative influence

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah Spire- Reverie( feat FAWNA) that song was sent by said friend that i got reminded of =]

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

red plaid boyfriend style shirt, pepperoni pizza print socks, superman boxers and some athletic shorts with my highschools logo and colors 

8. How often do you listen to music?

whenever im not talking to someone, playing games, or in a serious atmosphere

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

sweats after wearing sweats style pants for so long its hard to go back to my skinny jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

considering its 2017 and literally nothing happened in 2013 but my graduation then no

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

both? i think im one of those things you call an ambivert.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? 

yeah and he was way too timid about it man like ‘s just a kiss

13. What about ‘R’?

nope all my friends with an r name arent close enough for me to try that shit

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

nope would love to learn though

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

yep. mostly so i know where to tweak my personality so i can improve as a person i guess but yeah i tend to get paranoid

16. Are you going out of town soon?

not to my knowledge no, but it wouldnt be the first time my parents pull out “surprise” plane tickets to go somewhere i didn’t want to and on such short notice

17. When was the last time you cried?

mmmmmm can’t remember, so its not in the past 6 months or so

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, went downhill afterwards

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

blue or purple if possible thatd be dope

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

no not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

how hungry i am and the lack of food

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

considering im not gay or at least not confirmed yet, no. 

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

dunno, not even sure where we stand

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a folded up blanket and an old office chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

its not everyday but when i say i love them they say it back so thats nice

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep, multiple times. but yknow oh well right? i would rather something be left where it is than go through an extra excruciating chapter of hurt just because i fell in love with someone i barely knew

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

A.T

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

nope infact the last time i got sick was 2 years ago i believe

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

blue notes, it was on sale and it WAS really soft not its just eh soft

30. Does anyone hate you?

HAHAHHAA yeah. one of my friends confirmed it too still do i think

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

why would i hide them.. these questions were clearly made for someone under 18 and i apologize for reblogging without reading them

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

FUCK.NO.FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THEM AND FUCK YOU FOR BRINGING THEM NEAR ME

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah sounds like too much maitenence

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

my first year. erase my existence. nah im kidding i would probs delete last year or the year before that anywhere in that time frame

35. Did you have a dream last night?

nope sadly =[

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

the day before yesterday we were both v sleepy after movie night

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

nope. marriage is an annoying thing and until i find someone worth all that struggle not gonna happen. but ive got a good feeling about this one

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

considering they said i love you yeah i would hope so

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

that same person also said this a few days ago so yeah i think so

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yeah found some old classic songs and got my body groovin that night

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

nope 

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

nope

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

no… and now i feel a little sad

44. What’s the best part about school?

when all ur friends did something amazing yesterday and they talk about it with u all excited and shit

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

yep , some are really cringe worthy 

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

nope i just texted notes were too hard to pass without getting caught

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah a lot to the point im almost there

48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

yeah a little

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

chores, usual adult things, maybe cooking

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

nah i dont hate him, maybe not on the best terms with em but yeah

52. Are you nice to everyone?

nope there are some people that just rub me the wrong way

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah 100%

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

are you serious? 6 months? thats so short, how the hell anyone falters at that point? i expect people to start cheating ATLEAST at the 1 year mark 

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

not very to be honest. i wear my heart on my sleeve as a friend says.

56. Do you think you like someone?

yeah i think i do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

no…….?

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

boys are fun for mindless fun but girls are more for sentimental stuff. both are equally nice to be around

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yeah tequila is a bitch

60. Do you hate anyone?

yep! same person who hates me!

61. How’s your heart?

like spiritually or like physically. havent gotten a medical check up so dunno, and spiritually? its being taken care of so thats nice

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yep! and i refuse to talk about it =]

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

nope never

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

person who hates me HEH maybe even my best friend but in an endearing way like “ this fucking bitch decided to snort fucking fundip hes my friend but god damn hes a fucking dumbass”

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

nope i wouldnt mind painting em tho

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

probably i make a lot of them

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

they better not. youre a shitty person for pushing someone to that point. 

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

yeah, sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident, sometimes cuz i wanted to

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A.T

70. How do you look right now?

like shite mate i havent showered yet

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah Justin HEH

72. Can you commit to one person?

i damn hope so otherwise life is gonna be hella lonely

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

yeah! 

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yep. multiple times too

75. Did you wake up cranky?

nope woke up horny. thats what happens with morning wood

76. Are you a jealous person?

yeah, the more amazing someone is the more jealous i get

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i wanna say yes so yall dont shy away from them but like real talk its fucking aggravating, a lot of work, and tiring sometimes. anyone who says otherwise is glossing over shit or hasn’t seen the whole spectrum yet

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yeah about 98% done too

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

yeah 

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

the same tiring shit as everyday pinky try and take over the world

81. Last person you cried in front of?

justin

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Azley.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

considering they stayed up with me while i was hitting an emotional low yeah i would think so

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

cuddling, probably freaking out that we’re physically right in front of each other

85. Are you over your past?

nah, i like my past as shitty, cringy and heartbreaking as it is i love it

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah isnt that how relationships happen….?

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

yeah justin

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

yeah i’d accept it, then close the door.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

yeah cuz its fucking cold outside my dood, here lemme get some tea or some shit youre probs freezing

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

honestly yeah i once had this really spotty conversation with a girl literally everyone in the school hated at the time. then i realized wow, im just horny and have no substantial feelings for this person and if i do go through with this i will regret it

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

i dont know i dont like to think very far

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah he grew out his hair like that annoying french kid in the will smith movie hitchcock that kept calling him  le petite asshole

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope 

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

nope HAH

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

considering the last person was my brother fuck no. hes ugly as all hell

97. Who do you have texts from?

uhh, my brother, my best friend, my brother in law, my phone company, and a close friend

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i would cheer em on while i get fetch the crown royal hidden in the back of the pantry

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah not that much different from anyone else really

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? 

no one unless you mean the person who took the photo then my cousin

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

no, and i dont plan to now. i hate them.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yes.

overall this shit has gotten my mood a little low so if yall excuse me im gonna mentally drown in music

[strawberryspeachy]

So I came home from Miami with a really bad cold - I wasn't worried I figured I'll just sleep it off but my mother freaked out and made me go to the doctor (because when I'm gone she cares about me) so I went and was rudely told I don't have insurrance... my health insurance was stopped a month ago and they never notified me

That's shitty in general but more so because a couple days later I've gotten a bunch of gynecological problems.... ones I'd REALLYY like to go see a doc about

Well my mother only cares about stuff for a second - she made me drive to the doc when I was super sick and felt dizzy and didn't wanna go - but now she doesn't give a fuck because I actually really do need help

She told me it's my fault I lost my insurrance because obviously one of the 50 spam calls I get a day was my insurrance and I just hung up on them!! Cause you know they wouldn't leave a voicemail or anything

And how dare I want any medication or worry about it

Like as if worrying that I have an std isn't bad enough I have this psycho woman screaming at me everyday

Today I asked her if she would like some garlic bread - she then came to the kitchen and told me I was in her way - as if it's a shocker that after I asked her if she'd like food I'd be in the kitchen cooking said food

And then she asked what I made with it

As if I was supposed to make her a whole meal and that if I had made someone elselse for myself I should give her some

The other day I went to a work meeting and it was soooo cold and I was still relatively sick and I came home thinking about making this ramen I have that I can only buy hours away - she came into the kitchen as I was cooking it and because it smelled good I should give her some because SHE WANTS IT AND IS HUNGRY

I HATE NOT HAVING REAL FAMILY. I HATE NOT HAVING THAT EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I HATE THAT IM EVEN RELATED TO THAT PSYCHO WOMAN

Just since I came home she has

1) complained that we don't have a microwave (she broke the microwave - the 3rd one in a fucking year) but acts like this is a tragedy that's happened to her

2) screamed at me for asking her to clean the floor being that it's only fair since I've scrubbed it clean every time it needs it for the past 5 years - because she does SOOOO MUCH - including going to the laundry mat to do laundry but screamed at me for suggesting she help me convince my grandfather get a washer and drying (because she likes complaining that I don't drive her out to the laundry to do said laundry)

Um just screamed at me for random shit every day in general including some fit where she randomly went off on me for literally no reason at all and started calling me names then got angrier when I got angry in response

Someone left a mother and kitten at my farm again - the mom got hit on the road before we found them but we have the month old kitten now - my friend and I took her up near where she was found and put her in a tent hoping that any sounds she made might lure out her probable siblings that were hiding (it didn't) I came back to the house where my friend and I are playing with the kitten very visably and my mother asks if I brought the kitten back to the house - as if I just abandoned the kitten like an asshole

Later she told me to get away from her room with the kitten that has fleas because you know - if we get fleas she'll be sparred from them cause she's just so much better than the rest of us and two days later told me I have to feed the kitten - as if I I'm stupid and hadn't already been feeding the kitten --- literally yelling at me about this kitten like I'm the one who abandoned her

This is mind you the exact way she acted toward the last kitten we saved and have to feed milk --- she's mean and tosses the kittens away (literally tosses and then acts like she's a nice fucking person) when I yell at her for being cruel to them she screams at me that SHE DOESNT WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM ITS NOT HER JOB --- the kitten we had to feed milk she would dunk her face into the milk and yell at her to drink or else she wasn't gonna eat and screamed at me for daring to ask for help despite the fact that I was working at the point - something that woman has refused to ever do

Then she flipped out at me for giving the kitten away to someone who actually wanted her because THAT WAS HER KITTEN- she only started calling her her kitten when I said I might have found someone to take her

I also told her she could keep the kitten if she was going to be nice to her and take care of her properly and not expect other people to do it for her and she made her usual 'feel bad for me I'm such a victim' face and said no she didn't want her cause the correct way for me to handle that in her eyes is "I'll take care of this kitten but you can call her yours"

I fucked up the other day and while trying to get rid of the fleas on the kitten and stop them from going on my other cats I used frontline...... for dogs and then had a panic attack and washed all my cats and cried thinking I might have killed them all (luckally they're all fine) but I said it and my mother started yelling at me about how stupid I am for something about the frontline but not even the issue that was at hand - as if she didn't take out puppy outside without a leash (which we all told her never to do 10000000 times) but she knows best and as a direct result of her thinking she could call a puppies name and he'll listen - he got hit and killed on the road -- that was an accident that's not her fault at all in her mind btw

Like jfc I don't wanna be back in this house... i wish she had never moved into my house

Like it sucks because even if I got her kicked out my grandfather has gotten used to her taking over my moms role of taking care of him - he thinks someone should take care of him even though he's fully capable of taking care of himself - but refuses since my 1930's mindset mom and great grandmother treated him like a child his whole life and I don't wanna cook his meals and fix his stuff and call people for him and wake him up for work

And quite honestly the only thing she does that I actually like that would need done is make sure my mom eats and takes her pills - and my mom now acts like a 2 year old who doesn't wanna eat their broccoli with every meal so... yeah it is actually a fucking pain

My whole life I've wanted a boyfriend for companionship and emotional support and someone to actually celebrate occasions with since my family sucks... and for the past 6 I NEED ONE SO I CAN MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE WITH HIM LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE I FUCKING KNOW

I wanna die being stuck here with all of this bullshit

Like my mom is basically gone now... not like she was when I freaked out in the summer - she's much better than that but now her only responses to you talking to her is to immediately laugh before you even finish speaking if she likes you ----- if you don't sound happy she either makes a surprised face or a face like she'll cry - whichever she thinks is the face you want to see ---- she has no idea what I'm ever talking about

If I ask her a question she starts trying to answer whatever one popped up in her head first or goes off the first word you say for example: I say "where" she'll immediately start looking and walking around. She has no new input to anything she has memorized her answers to the most common subjects people talk to her about and she'll recite the same answer no matter the context of the conversation and if it's a topic she doesn't have a memorized answer to - it's a free for all - she'll still recite an answer

She didn't even tell me happy birthday this year unprovoked.... I feel like maybe I used up all my sadness... or I'm just too angry... but I can't even be upset by it anymore... I'm starting to forget what it was like for her to be all there... I'm forgetting what real conversations with her were like.... like all I can remember now are the times when it was apparent she was getting dementia ... things that's she says that she used to say... I remember the things she did and what life used to be like... I remember the things she said over and over again... but I don't remember our actual conversations

Probably because the last time my mom was ok I not only was in that phase of my life where parents are just sooooo embarrassing but I was depressed and detached from life and angry all the time... I don't remember much of what anyone said...

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 5 - Invitations

This chapter opens up with Weirdo doing what he does best, whining.

In particular, he’s whining this time about how school is hell. Oh, it’s not boring anymore, not just a coma that he has to suffer through to appear normal, but actual genuine hell. He has to be around Bella all the time, you see. He has to exist in the same space as her and it is just misery and woe.

Except, and this is a point that I was going to make back in chapter one when Jasper was doing his freaky little spazz thing about all the tasty good hoomans around them, the Cullens don’t actually HAVE to suffer through the inane slog of Forks High. Think about it for a second. As far as anyone in town knows, Carlisle is a respected doctor (Dr. Kevorkian, but so far he hasn’t been that bad here), and Esme is a soft delicate happy homemaker mama. So why the fuck do they bother going to the public high school? Why would it be out of the realm of posibility to say that Esme home-schools the kids? It keeps them away from the teenagers who could be in very real danger having a bunch of Pire classmates, and it literally leaves them to their own devices. If they wanna spend a week up in Alaska (Weirdo) then no one is going to be the wiser, because they live on the edge of town and the only one with any actual ties to the community at large is Dr, Carlisle. 

Maybe they do it because they get bored just being around one another all the time. But everything we’ve seen in the text tells us that even at school, they only hang out with each other and go out of their way to avoid the rest of the school population. It tracks as yet another selfish thing that the Cullens are doing, putting the teenagers of Forks High at risk because they wanna go to normal school, even though they don’t have to.

I’m not even a paragraph in and I just ranted for two. This chapter recap might be a long one, guys.

I'd comforted myself with the fact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick - just a tiny sting of rejection - compared to mine.

This is one of those lines that SM uses to hammer home the fact that her Pires are OH SO MUCH better than you. It’s such a blatant ‘Oh, my pain and sorrow and misery is just SO BAD compared to Bella with her weak human mind and weak human emotions. She couldn’t possibly be as hurt as I, the great Edward Cullen, am.’ And it’s trash. It hasn’t been overt enough yet, but there’s still a rant coming about vampire instincts, with which I hope to point out exactly how this sentiment is wrong. 

If I was destined to love her

This is one of the main reasons why I just don’t buy the love story aspect of this series. They never talk about love in anything but ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’. Love is hard work. It’s building mutual respect and trust for one another and learning little quirks and habits along the way. It’s bumpy and messy and gross and wonderful, and most of all, it’s a choice. A choice to get to know someone, to spend time with that person and understand their hopes and dreams and wants and needs and fears and all of it, but in Twilight, it feels like the choice is taken away. Alice with her magic future power divines that Weirdo and Bella are gonna be in love, and instead of Eddie boy taking note that he barely even knows Bella, and has spent the better part of the few weeks he’s had with her making wild assumptions about who she is and what she’s like, he just goes ‘Ope, well, I guess if the future says I love her, I love her’ and that’s it. And the worst part is, even after their relationship actually begins, they don’t even try to do that getting to know and trust and respect one another thing, they just flat out keep their wild assumptions about one another throughout the entire series and rely on this ever subjective future that Alice has seen.

Wow, I’m ranting a lot today in this one. I’m not even a third of the way into this chapter yet.

Who would have ever dreamed that such a generic, boring mortal could be so infuriating?

We’re shitting on Mike Newton again, and I have to point something out yet again. Eddie, baby, sweety. You are outright ignoring Bella and treating her like she doesn’t matter in the slightest to you. You stated just before this that you were going out of your way to outwardly ignore her, even while you obsess over her in your mind. You have given only the outward indication of, if not outright disdain, then at the very least indifference to this girl and yet you’re giving Mike shit for having a crush on a girl and actually fucking acting on it. He talks to her, he attempts poorly to flirt with her and ask her out, even though we all know that she’s just as obsessed with you and compares Mike to a dog (because Bella is a piece of shit, too, so at least you have that in common). So stop shitting on poor Mike, who’s only crime is liking a girl who isn’t interested in him.

He'd created a Bella in his head that didn't exist

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU’VE FUCKING DONE, EDWARD. And honestly? Yours is even worse because you don’t even BOTHER trying to FUCKING TALK TO HER TO GET TO KNOW HER. You just spy on her conversations with other people and assume that you know everything about her! Bella goes out of her way to put on this fake little show for her classmates and lie to them about everything she feels and thinks about them, but at least they FUCKING TALK TO HER! So yeah, I agree, Mike doesn’t have the full picture of who Bella really is (and if he did, he absolutely would not still have that little crush on her because Bella is a big fucking jerk), but at least they’re MAKING THE EFFORT!

Bella was good.

This is just not true and I have four books worth of canon to prove it.

I frequently amused myself by imagining backhanding him across the room and into the far wall...

“It helps if you think of them as people.” Remember that, Eddie??? Now here’s the thing. We’ve all had those fantasies about people. Wanting to throw them across the room or punch them in the face or whatever. The difference here? Edward is well aware that his Magic Pire Strength would genuinely hurt Mike, so much so that the very next line is about how it ‘probably’ wouldn’t hurt him fatally. Meaning that Eddie is well aware that it would hurt him, probably even break a few bones, but hey, he probably won’t die! Fuck you, Edward.

For all I knew, she never thought about me at all.

Pointedly gonna look over at Twilight now and see just how fucking much Bella is obsessing over Eddie, to the point where any thought not centered around her Woobie Pire is glossed over and ignored.

Eddie is having a jealous baby fit and once again thinking about how he would just love to hurt poor Mike for having the gall and audacity to ask Bella out. I already ranted about it up there, and I’m too tired and annoyed to do it again. Just know that Edward is a fucking asshole and poor Mike doesn’t deserve any of the shit that gets forced on him in this series.

Eddie is finally paying attention to Bella again, and wondering what she’s thinking, and he does that a lot in this book. I know that it’s supposed to be because he’s relied on his shitty vampire super power for so long, but considering how often he demanded (yes, demanded) to know what she was thinking in canon, and wouldn’t let up until she caved and told him, it feels like he’s trying to monitor her thoughts. She can’t be thinking anything that Daddy Ed doesn’t approve of, after all.

I picked the correct answer out of his head

But the Cullens are just super smart and know things and definitely aren’t cheating cheaters who cheat to get perfect grades in school.

"Are you speaking to me again?"

This is a problem with this canon. These people have had TWO conversations. In one of them, it was banal and inane small talk about the fucking weather and why Bella moved to Forks, and in the other, Eddie was gaslighting her to make her think she was wrong about what happened in the Van Of Doom(tm) crash. They haven’t talked like, at all. They don’t know anything about one another besides what they’ve crafted in their own empty heads. Bella is obsessing about how Eddie must hate her and Eddie is obsessing about how this version of Bella he’s built up in his head must be so amazing and wonderful and touting about how he loves her. There isn’t love in this relationship. There isn’t even a relationship. These people are obsessed stalkers.

I managed not to laugh.

This is another example of Edward being just... the biggest fucking jerk. Clearly, Bella is upset. She’s jumped to the wrong conclusion, and assumes that Eddie just wants her to fucking die or whatever, but she’s clearly upset and annoyed and Eddie is treating her feelings like a joke. He does that so often in the series, but hearing it from his own perspective really drives it home. 

Edward is being extremely shallow watching Eric and Tyler asking Bella out. He makes a rude comment about Eric’s skin (he’s a teenage boy with acne, oh GOD) and outright calls Tyler ‘average’ as if he knows anything about him. This is another problem with Ed and his magic surface thought listening power. I’ve already pointed out that he’s created this image of who Bella is in his head based on absolutely nothing, but he’s done this with everyone around him. He assumes what kind of people they are based on the very bare, surface thoughts they have. He doesn’t consider the people around him complex, because he isn’t diving into their more complex thoughts and emotions, and that’s just so gross and shitty.

How was I any better than some sick peeping tom?

We know what this is, right? We’re witnessing the birth of Eddie breaking into Bella’s house and watching her sleep. He’s once again acknowledging that he shouldn’t be doing it, and he knows that its wrong, so of course, that means he can just keep on doing it anyway. 

I was not the one she was destined to say yes to.

This is such a ham-fisted attempt at keeping the ‘will they won’t they’ illusion up, because its been made so obvious from the word GO that there’s never going to be anyone else for Bella. Even the attempt at a love triangle doesn’t work in the series because SM made it so clear all throughout New Moon that Bella would never choose Jacob if Edward was a choice. Everything she did in New Moon was to keep the illusion of Edward up in her mind, and even spending time with Jacob was a means to that end goal. Its not a compelling love story because, as stated, there is no love here because they haven’t spoken to one another, but their sick, driving obsession with one another is going to guide them all the way to the end. Edward and Bella are not a good couple, and I wish very much that that line up there was the truth, and that Bella discovered who she was as a person and found someone to compliment her.

My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?

Left that full for context. This is our title drop, and as someone who has read all of Twilight, who has seen all of the horrible title drops in them, I honestly think this one might be the worst of them all. It’s just this affected way that SM writes and it really, really irks me to see it so blatantly on display combined with a ‘hee hee, Midnight Sun, get it~’ on top of it.

My self, also, had frozen as it was - my personality, my likes and my dislikes, my moods and my desires; all were fixed in place.

This has a lot of implications for the Pires that SM never even bothers to explore because she doesn’t actually realize the potential in it. According to canon, right there in that sentence, when they’re turned Pires STOP CHANGING. They don’t develop new interests or hobbies, they don’t change their taste in music, film, anything. They become truly frozen in time. That means that the Cullens should not be driving cars, or wearing the clothes that they wear. They should not have picked up all of these skills that immortality has allowed them to pick up. The should be the exact same as they were the day they were turned. There’s something really dark and genuinely heartbreaking about that, and a better author would have explored it. Unfortunately, we don’t have a better author.

if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her

Edward refuses to take into account that that is not solely his decision to make. Pretend for a second that Bella is a normal human with normal thoughts. All she has seen of Eddie is this hot and cold thing were he does a nice thing or has a nice conversation with her and then ices her out for days and weeks at a time. He is, by all accounts, a total jerk and kind of a weirdo. Why the hell would she (again, if she were a normal, rational person) want a relationship with him?

Strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep in my forgotten human core.

AKA, Eddie just felt the first stirrings of being a horny teenage boy. Gross. 

The chapter ends on Eddie asking Bella to let him drive her to Seattle. I know I’ve already made this point, but if Bella were a normal teenage girl experiencing all of this shit from Eddie, she would have absolutely laughed in his face and told him to go fuck himself on a cactus or something. He’s proven to be volitale, rude, condescending, and just an outright jerk. There is no reason a sane, rational person would want to go anywhere with him. Would want to spend any time alone with him. If anything, Bella should be thinking that Eddie wants to get her alone to murder her or something based on the way he’s acting. It’s creepy and weird. Bella, unfortunately, eats this shit up and is so excited about her date with him. 

That’s it. Chapter over. Sorry this was such a long one, folks, but I’m not sure they’re gonna get any shorter. This story makes me angry, and when I get angry, I rant. Feel free to reach out in messages or DMs if you wanna chat more about this book or offer suggestions for the next one I should do after I finally put this one to bed. 

You can also buy me a snack if you want, I have my CashApp tag in my bio. Until next time.