#which also means some of these are ugly as hell but i try to keep everything in one place 😔

[cripplecharacters]

How to Support People with Facial Differences - the Face Equality Week 2024 Special

[large text: How to Support People with Facial Differences - the Face Equality Week 2024 Special]

Today is the 13th of May, which means that the Face Equality Week has just started. This year's theme is “My Face is a Masterpiece” which is probably my favorite sentence ever said about having a facial difference. Huge fan, should be used way more often in my opinion.

Because of this occasion, I would like to share some thoughts about Face Equality that I think are rather entry-level, i.e. you don't need to know much to execute these, but you can still support us.

Stop the stare.

I know it's fun to stare - or so I guess, at least - but maybe you shouldn't. Next time you see someone who has a scar or who's face does not move the same way as yours, just mind your business. We can tell when you're “discreetly” looking.

Don't call us deformed. 

Knowing how the people you're trying to support actually call themselves should be an absolute first step, but most people still fail here. Most of us don't appreciate being called “deformed”. I certainly don't. Say “facial difference”, or “disfigurement” if you must. It's 2024. Leave “deformed” to medical reports from the 70s.

No more “What happened?!”s.

If you aren't a doctor, there's a high-to-100% chance that it's none of your business. It's cool that you're curious - keep it to yourself.

Stop insinuating that we are ugly.

“Support people who are ugly!” isn't very supportive. I would say, not in the slightest. Say “people who don't fit the current beauty standards” if that's what you mean. 

Or, to go with this year's theme, “people whose faces are masterpieces” : )

Use critical thinking online.

Is the reaction photo actually funny, or is it just a person with a craniofacial condition? Is the meme actually a meme, or is it just making fun of a person with a facial disfigurement? Is body-shaming suddenly hilarious to you when the person shamed has strabismus? 

If the entire punchline is “lol they have a disability xd”, it's ableism. Plain and simple.

To go with the point above - your joke is probably not funny.

We get it! You can't help telling us how "you're going to hell for laughing" (which yeah, probably) and how we remind you of the ugliest character you have ever seen. I guarantee you that we heard it, and that you are behaving like an edgy middle schooler who hasn't "found out" yet. It's boring and annoying. Also ableist, but you're aware of that already if you're saying that you're going to hell.

Stop with the goddamn trigger warnings. 

We aren't “body horror”, we aren't “gore”, we aren't something that you need to advise your viewers to use their discretion over. Every “graphic footage: child with neurofibromatosis” and “#tw burn scar” is a sign of ableism and disfiguremisia. People with facial differences deserve to be seen. Ableds can survive seeing a person without a nose.

Do a basic reading on what disfiguremisia is.

New word! And an important one. It's a brand of ableism that intersects with more or less everything, and it means discrimination and hatred of people with facial differences/disfigurements. The bullying, harassment, endless name-calling, and microaggressions are all results of disfiguremisia. The ways in which everything is harder for us isn't some unchangeable rule of how the world works, it's just an extremely prevalent type of discrimination.

Understand that we are people.

I know, revolutionary - and yet impossible for so many people to get. We can be a visual representation of evil when it's necessary, we can be a feel-good inspirational story on a morning talk-show, but not much else, it seems. In reality, we are complex, we have our own lives, we can be happy and sad and have the same exact joys and worries that you have.

Hey, artists - facial differences don't make you evil.

Title stolen from a great essay by Lise Deguire (link). When's the last time you saw a positive character with a facial difference that wasn't inspiration porn? I mean a character that's not edgy, full of angst, a murderer, or a villain. Based on what you see in the media, you'd think that having a scar renders you evil on the spot, but in reality it just makes you loathe how artists apparently think you are like. It's boring, it's overdone, it's ableism. Stop doing this, and start noticing when it's being done. Point it out if your friend is writing their new villain to be an evil burn survivor. This kind of portrayal needed to stop ages ago, but tomorrow will be a great time as well.

Before you reply with “I've never seen this” - Darth Vader, Lion King’s Scar (subtle name, great thing to teach kids!), Freddy Krueger, Voldemort, we could be here forever. You're just not paying attention.

Pay attention to where we are not included.

As discussed, there are some places where you see us all the time. But where do you not see us?

Advertisements (unless it's for a scar-removal cream, of course). Fashion shows. Magazine covers. Romance movies where we are the main character.

We deserve to see ourselves in what's around us in the same way able-bodied people do. Trying to make it seem like we don't exist - that's deliberate. 

Interact with our art.

We draw, write, sing, act in movies, we do everything. Support us in the most tangible way - leave us a nice comment, read our books, listen to our songs. Watch movies where actual people with facial differences star, not pseudoinspirational stories about how “being disfigured is ok” where they shove an able-bodied actor into a full face prosthetic just to not have an actor with a disfigurement on set.

Include us.

As this year's Face Equality Week calls for, include us. In art, in movies, in books, in your life. Show us as positive people who are valuable, who are a part of your community - I guarantee that we are in every one that's out there. The world is hostile and unwelcoming to people with facial differences - be the change, wherever you are.

I know that it is different from the usual posts I make, but I hope it was somewhat educational. I just like to use every occasion that I can to force Face Equality into people's heads. To make this at least a bit about writing to keep the blog's theme, I will say that if you want to write about us, you need to care about us in real life as well. Otherwise, it's pointless and, as representation, genuinely worthless.

Below the readmore are some links/resources that you can click to educate yourself further. A lot of them lead to Face Equality International because they have just about everything you should know. If you want to be a better ally to people with facial differences, I heavily recommend them.

#MyFaceIsAMasterpiece

mod Sasza

https://faceequalityinternational.org/2023/04/why-i-will-not-hide/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/disability-is-diversity/202111/hidden-community-the-movement-face-equality

https://faceequalityinternational.org/2022/05/facial-differences-in-the-media/

https://faceequalityinternational.org/2023/04/advertising-excludes-women-with-faces-like-mine/

https://www.phoenix-society.org/resources/burn-community-bookshelf

https://faceequalityinternational.org/about-fei/international-face-equality-week/

https://faceequalityinternational.org/2023/04/hidden-from-view-women-with-facial-differences-in-the-media/

https://www.phoenix-society.org/resources/i-dont-see-your-scars

Thanks for actually clicking the readmore

[phas3d]

Fake Dating | Slytherin Boys

type :: fluff

tw/cw :: none

contains :: draco, tom, mattheo, theodore, lorenzo

notes :: fake dating is the FUEL TO MY LIFE AHHH slightly inspired by "please please please" by Sabrina Carpenter because ofc it is

DRACO MALFOY

He's bullied you for ages, literally making your high school years hell

But after his father and mother pressure him with questions about a girlfriend

He gets sick of it and wants to shut up for ONE NIGHT just one fucking night

So he gets you to pretend to be his partner, because you're the only girl willing to say yes (because ur scared of him)

Corners you and threatens you, "If you don't give me an Oscar worthy performance I will literally burn all of your uniforms and books"

Now you're at his house, eating expensive steak under 3 chandeliers

No one knows why he has 3 chandeliers,,, not even his parents

But instantly, his parents love you for your nerdiness and cuteness

They see you as a sweet and innocent little partner for Draco :)

But uh oh... you were TOO perfect for his parents

Now Draco is asking you to go with his parents to Germany for a "little trip"

Except their idea of a "little trip" is a week vacation in the most expensive hotel and meeting German celebrities

You can't speak German, but Draco can so he helps answer any questions asked towards you

But for some reason, he gets super agitated as you keep attending parties and people keep coming up to you

He gets so mad on the second-to-last-day of the week vacation to the point he grabs some random guys collar and shouts at him

You pull try to pull them apart but it's too late...

Draco gets his ass whooped... Badly... Embarrassingly bad...

You leave the party early, going back to the hotel alone as you patch his wounds

That's when you ask why he was so upset

But he refuses to answer, saying it's just that the guy was annoying

It's obvious that he's lying, so you keep pushing him and pushing him

So he angrily blurts out: "Because people keep fucking asking for your number!!! GOD!!! You're so dense!"

He says as he lightly flicks your forehead before staring deeply into your eyes: conveying everything he's been feeling for you for these past weeks of "fake dating"

TOM RIDDLE

Mattheo is Tom's worse enemy, despite being brothers

Yet again, Mattheo teases and mocks Tom for being a loser with zero "rizz" or whatever that means

He's sick of Mattheo's stupid ass slang, everyday he hears "you're a beta" "ur aura is so low" "zero rizz bruh"

He's literally going to kill him

But sadly he can't do that, so he comes up with a different solution

He chooses you, a random kid he did a project with once, to pretend to be his new partner

You were hesitant but he then threw in an extra bonus, he would do all your homework for two classes of your choice

So obviously you had to take it

He had to prepare you for the worse: Mattheo

Tom forced you to visit his dorm to study how to reply to Mattheo when you finally meet him

He also made you study how to act like a couple in public

Which he knew nothing about... He was technically right about hand holding and matching clothes

But his version of hand holding was very uncomfortable, the type where you don't interlock fingers

And the clothes he picked were ugly as hell, no way you'd ever wear that stuff

So you had to help him a lot with learning how to act natural in relationships

When he feels that you're finally prepared, he lets you meet Mattheo

Mattheo is super sus at first but is too dumb to question harshly

But now, you're stuck as pretending to be Tom's girlfriend for the rest of the year

He's painfully unaffectionate in public which makes you slightly embarrassed because he makes you look like a clingy girlfriend

But in private, when he's teaching you what to say and doing your homework: he's surprisingly sweet

He gets better at being a boyfriend over time and even takes you on full dates, not just fake photoshoots to post online

But he's still insisting to keep this relationship as just beneficial, no string attached

You can't help but start to fall for him, it's literally impossible to not

He gifts you everything you've ever wanted, takes you to fancy places, making him chuckle under his breathe feels more rewarding than any A+ ever, and those small private moments where you can feel a soul behind his eyes instead of the ice cold make you love him

So you cut it off with him, lying and saying you don't need the benefits and it's too hard to keep lying

He accepts this and lets you go

You end up being really popular once you're single

And that pisses him off ENDLESSLY

He found you first! He basically made you! You're still his, he can't let someone take all his hard work

And for some reason,,, he felt hollow after you left - as if he lost something dear to him

He's not sure how you brought out these emotions, but he wants it back ASAP

MATTHEO RIDDLE

Oh my god double trope: because Mattheo started dating you because he was dared to

You're seen as a kinda bitch in Hogwarts because a group of girls said so

But in reality, you're really chill and grounded, which surprised Mattheo when he went on your first date

You made him laugh a few times (a lot, he's too cocky to admit it)

And you also were really similar to Mattheo, you liked the same games and shows

As he kept pretending to date you, he started to actually like you and your presence

But he's still not too attached because he knows he needs to break up with you in about 2 months

As the weeks pass by, you accidentally read a message for Mattheo

It was from Theo, saying "Jesus dude, you two almost seem like a real couple. You should try acting haha"

You froze but started to plot your revenge on him

You kept acting like everything was fine and normal, and then broke up with HIM

Mattheo was shocked, because not only has he completely fallen for you but he's also never been broken up with

He unsure of what to do, but all he knows is he wants you back

THEODORE NOTT

Pulling girls has almost never been a problem for Theo his entire life

He even pulled grown women while being 14 years old (he's a victim...)

But his main problem is pulling a girl that would be approved by his parents

Theo surrounds himself with heavy drinkers, partiers, and dumb jocks: meaning there's not many partners that are "marriage material"

So he asks you, the Head Girl of your house, to pretend to be his girlfriend for family events

You agreed due to the large sum of money he was paying you, it's insane how rich he is

Every time Theo had a family event, he would just call you up and BOOM his family loves you

But as you keep coming to these family events, acting as a couple becomes less and less awkward for you both

You both agreed to not kiss each other due to this just being acting, plus kissing at family events is weird

But God, Theo really wants to break that rule when you and him are alone on the balcony at night while you ramble about the struggles of being Head Girl

He never thought he'd fall for the super nerdy, responsible, and awkward Head Girl - but he did, and he fell super hard

Theo wants to straight up ask you to be his real girlfriend, but he's so scared

He's scared of making you uncomfortable for catching feelings or making you think he planned this all along

LORENZO BERKSHIRE

Enzo's best friend is Blaise, almost everyone knows that

But what everyone also knows is that Blaise has the FATTEST crush on your best friend, Pansy Parkinson

And even more well known is that Pansy liked him back

There was literally no reason for these two to not get together, they were just too scared to confess

Which is odd since they're both so head-strong and confident, you guess it's just because they're scared of rejection

So Enzo reaches out to you, asking you to help come up with a plan to set them both up on a date

You two are complete strangers, only ever talking once or twice whilst in a group

So you both create a lie: that you and Enzo are going on a first date and need them to tag along to make it a "double date"

Obviously, this works on them because they're great friends

So now you and Enzo are on an awkward fake date while your best friends basically make out next to you

The original plan was just to tell Pansy and Blaise that there was no spark between you and Enzo

But due to you both spending an entire 12 hours together with Blaise and Pansy, you guys got comfortable with each others

He makes you laugh a ton and you do the same

You both love really niche topics and shows, even sharing the same favorite sports teams

Your bond only grows stronger after Blaise and Pansy ask for another double date

But you and Enzo take it slow, having the most sexual tension for months because you both were just claiming to be "friends only"

You finally broke that after about 4 months, thank God

[cruyuu]

I have to talk about the epilogue (Yuuji part only), you guys, especially after that official art drop because I'm going crazy.

Here, we clearly have Yuko (who we know has a crush on Yuuji) accidentally meeting him in Sendai. This whole moment is romantically-coded, and we even have the usual hints and nudges (such as Yuuji saying he heard where Yuko had been from Nobara) that it isn't truly one-sided either. Key point is that Yuuji loved snow and that he still loves it, and not only that, but that they meet in his hometown when it's snowing. I was informed that Christmas in Japan is kind of like a Valentine's Day so we can all assume this could be a soft nod to a future romance of two people who once knew each other, right? Right????

Yuuji said he loved snow. Yuko specifically says that it's bright, and that it reminds her of him.

Interestingly, the scene of the land filled with snow which is shown reminds me of this:

In the anime this scene is so well-done. The complete darkness of the night around Yuuji is replaced with a shot of Yuuji standing in the middle of a bright, snowy field.

I just find it interesting how on the nose it all is. It practically confirms that yes, that truly is Yuuji's soul that Mahito saw back then, but also, that Yuko is really into him, so much so that she sees who he really is.

So, we have the perfect set up, the perfect time to bring about any sort of confirmation if Yuko will be his romantic interest (because why the nudges if that's not the case) and what's up with the frequent mention of snowing (and them meeting in Sendai, of all places?). Remember that it's also basically love day in Japan, it practically has it all.

And then...

I'm trying my hardest not to ugly laugh right now as I'm writing this but I'm failing. I'm wheezing and I sound like I'm choking. My friend keeps texting me over and over that Gege's insane and at first I thought she was just going crazy over the official art but then... I finally realized why she repeated that over and over after I've read the epilogue.

See, Gege had the perfect opportunity to drop some romantic (or hell, any vibe really) official art of Yuko and Yuuji here. Maybe them just walking the streets of Sendai side by side while the snow is falling, idk, anything. They easily could've done it considering they had everything on the silver platter and it would've made sense. Plus it'll be romantic as hell too.

Why is Yuuji– “Snow is special to me”– dancing in the falling snow with Sukuna, happily laughing while Sukuna appears to be leading the dance? Is this a deleted scene from 265? Is this a joke? Is this confirmation that this is why to Yuuji snow is special? Does this mean that yeah, actually, Yuko's crush will forever be one sided and that all of that between them was nothing? Is Yuko supposed to be a stand in (mirror) for another character... a character who Yuuji promised he'll always live with, no matter if the world rejected him?

Is sukuita real? I can now say it is lmfao. In the episode featuring Yuuji being with a girl who has a crush on him (meanwhile Sukuna's sharing a moment with Uraume) the official art drop is of them... together. Dancing. On love day.

[bellarkeselection]

We’re All Family Here

Reader is Carter’s younger sister and she has a prosthetic leg and the reader is worried that Rip and Beth will kick her off the ranch if they found out. Wattpad request from - @Quackity_bwead

Pulling down the Jean of my right leg I sighed staring at myself in the mirror that was in my room in Rip and Beth’s house. My brother Carter was already up for work in the barn but I got to sleep in this morning which was rare. Walking out of the house I headed to the barn with large Y above the doorway. The sun had just started to rise above the mountains and everybody was busy already working. Taking my horse out of the stall I climbed on feeling my fake leg hanging over. “Alright boy, let’s go.”

Kicking my horse we rode off towards the sunset with the wind running through my hair. I was wearing a tan dark cowgirl hat and my hair was tied in a braid. Riding through the fields I saw my older brother Carter who was trying to rope a cafe but it started running at me. “Y/n, watch out!” He cried when the cafe got underneath my horses leg and it spooked causing the horse to throw me off its back.

“Sis I’m sorry. I just couldn’t get a good hold on it.” My brother apologized coming over on his horse while Ryan rode past me to go grab my horse that had ran off somewhere else.

Rubbing the back of my neck I winced feeling some pain but it wasn’t as bas I have normally been through. Shifting my gaze away from my brother I saw that Rip was riding over to us. He dismounted his horse quickly dropping himself on a knee in front of me. “What the hell happened, kid. You can’t be injuring any of our guys!..are you hurt Y/n?”

“No just sore a little.” I shook my head not understanding why his deep brown eyes seemed to be filled with concern.

Rip moved closer to me touching my right leg and he pulled up the fabric of my pant. Once he saw something odd sticking out of your pant leg he knew something must be wrong. “Then what exactly is wrong with your leg here?” He questioned me where I finally noticed that he had seen my fake leg.

“I….uh….” I yanked my leg back feeling my face turn red being embarrassed over this. Carter wasn’t with me the night of the accident. I was just driving back to our place with our dead beat dad until someone rear ended me harshly.

Rip saw that I wasn’t going to answer him so he called to Ryan who had brought back my horse. “Ryan, take her back to the ranch.” Getting to my feet I climbed back on my horse and followed the ranch hand back to the ranch then he went back to work like Rip had asked him.

Laying on my bed inside my room I stared at the ceiling in silence and a pit of nervousness. Sitting upright I knew I had messed up or more so my brother had. I had done my best to keep the fact that I had a prosthetic leg a secret. In fear that if they knew I would be removed from the ranch. Someone came down the hallway and I lifted my head up seeing it was Beth. “Hi mom….uh what’s up?” I nervously asked since she had just started letting me call her that.

“I heard about your fall today from Rip. I’m happy you shook it off but we need to talk about something.” She entered the bedroom before I saw that Rip was also walking in behind her heels.

Playing with my thumbs in my lap I avoided their gazes when they came to sit down on the bed. Well Beth did leaving Rip standing directly in front of me. “So are you going to tell me about your leg or no?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it…” I gulped trailing off in my response already knowing the answer they would give me.

It was hard enough for Carter to prove that he would be a good worker. I already was a good hand but the fake leg wasn’t a good look. John Dutton had the greatest ranch in Montana and that means he should have close to the best people working for him. “You better tell us otherwise things will get ugly.” Beth warned me with her annoyed look and I froze knowingly.

"It's...it's about my prosthetic leg..." Rolling my pants leg, I made it visible to their gaze, and I didn't dare make eye contact with either of them. "I didn't want to tell you about it because I've been sp terrified of what you would say. Even though I get my work done, nobody else on this ranch has one. So I....just assumed that you would kick me off the ranch over it."

Rip put his hands on his hips, tilting my head to the side slightly. "That's totally ridiculous, Y/n. We would never do that."

"This family may be complicated, but we don't abandon our family members." Beth shifted on her spot on the bed, grasping my hand in hers.

Hanging my mouth open I couldn't believe it. "Really but I thought that-"

"That what us having some cowboys from the prison and others in debt wouldn't have given you the message that we take in the trouble so they can have a home." Rip declared, coming to sit down beside me, tucking hair behind my ear.

I parted my lips without thinking I fling my arms around his neck hugging him tightly. Rip stiffened up at the embrace but calmed down after a second and wrapped his arms around me with the same comfort. “Thank you….I didn’t think you would let me stay.” I sniffed against his chest.

“Anyone who has a problem with that will have to deal with me.” Beth responded after I hugged her and she actually hugged me back too to my surprise. I smiled at the pair knowing that Carter and I were gonna do really good here. This wasn’t just a rnhc, it was a family for everybody.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[bisexualbrainrots]

for my 911 what if, I once mentioned to @a-mel0n how I'd like for bucktommy's first kiss + time to happen in 3x09 because it just fitted with the theme of the episode (fallout) so I came up with this (long) snippet of their scenes from the ep (1/4). i also wrote this while sleepy so sorry if there are any inconsistencies <3

they're in tommy's place btw!

also, with some help I decided to keep the abby thing, but here it's way juicier! also yeah I'd like to tell y'all about andy sometime, he's the best.

The fridge made that sound again as it was opened, two cold beers being pulled out of it “And I’m sitting there thinking to myself “I have to run, I cannot be a second more with this guy”, that’s why I texted you, actually” 

Buck nods as Tommy gives him one of the bottles, open by the time it reaches his hands “Oh so I was just the distraction then” he smirks at the older, tilting his head, giving the beer a sip as the bottle reaches his lips and Tommy rolls his eyes, taking a sip too.

“Pretty much” he said deadpan as he leaned against the refrigerator.

His date had been horrible, and Tommy was ready to curse at one of his basketball buddies who suggested a blind date. The man wasn’t ugly by any chance, even making Tommy feel weak in his knees when he saw him, but it was his personality that made him want to run towards a cliff. The guy was negativity incarnate, complaining about anything and everything: the place was too quiet, the music wasn’t that great, the waiters were too slow, and the food wasn’t so good. But the last straw was something Tommy could never accept on anyone.

“He said he hates sweets Evan, I mean, What the hell?” Tommy moved towards the living room with Buck following him behind.

“To be fair, I don’t think there’s anyone who has the same sweet tooth as you, Tommy” Buck chuckled when the older shot him one of his looks, and shook his head as they sat on the couch.

“And it’s their loss then” he drank another sip of his beer, resting his head on the cushions “Hating sweets… What else does he hate? Rainbows? Fun?” he nudged Buck's shoulder when he heard the, very loud, laugh come out of his lips “Don’t laugh at me Evan!”

“I… I'm sorry” he had to take deep breaths to calm himself down “But you have to admit it's kind of funny that you're so worked up about a guy not liking sweets, I don't even eat them so often”

Tommy leaned in closer to Buck “That’s just because you try to get on ketosis every year, Don't forget I've seen you on cheat days too!” A second of silence happened before the two men were laughing, shoulders shaking as they tried to compose themselves again “Okay, okay… maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but it's just that I wanted my first time back in the dating scene to feel… special? I guess? I just… I wanted something good, not a date from hell” he sighed, taking another sip.

Buck tilted his head, a comforting smile on his lips “Was the guy at least cute?”

Tommy left the bottle on the coffee table to cover his face with hands and groaned as he sank his body into the couch “He was, and so hot too, which I don't know if it makes it worse that he was such a… pessimist, if I want to be nice” 

Buck whistled “Jeez, I don't want to imagine what you would call him if you weren't nice” he snickered when Tommy's fingers revealed his, very, annoyed eyes “But I get it, after Abby…” he stiffened, not knowing if it was appropriate to continue.

They hadn't really talked about Abby yet, besides that one time before Buck moved out of her apartment, and the younger didn’t know how to approach the subject either, not wanting to make Tommy uncomfortable.

The older gave him a sympathetic look, gesturing at him to continue “It’s okay, we can talk about her”

Buck took a breath, leaving his bottle on the table before speaking “After her I didn’t feel ready either, and it didn’t get any better when I realised I wasn’t the same guy I was before, like… I didn’t want to have something meaningless just to fill a void” he looked down when talking, avoiding the older’s gaze as he fidgeted with his fingers, “I’d say she was… transformative, in a way” he exhaled deeply, furrowing his brows “If I’m honest, a part me feels like I wasted so much time wishing for her to come back, and I regret it, you… You shouldn’t regret this Tommy, a bad date it’s better than stalling” 

Tommy held his shoulder for a while, squeezing a little to give him comfort “Hey, you’re better now Evan, and I could see back then how you weren’t ready to move on so, I don’t think you stalled, not really and… Thank you, for everything”

Buck lifted his head, a question in his face as he looked at the older “Tommy I… What do you mean “everything”?”

Tommy gave him a soft smile, shifting his body and resting his head on the heel of his hand “You helped me when Andy…” he took a deep breath, looking up for a few seconds before turning his gaze back to Buck “When he left, and you were the only to actually ask me how I was doing when nobody wanted to”

Buck frowned “They wanted to, Tommy, it’s just… they thought it was best for you to come to them when you were ready, Chimney almost caved once too” it was his turn to squeeze the other’s shoulder now, stroking the fabric “The only difference between them and me is that I don’t care that I get into everyone’s business” both men chuckled, the air feeling much lighter.

“Okay, but still, thank you for that I… I really needed someone then and I’m glad it was you, even though at the time it didn’t feel like it”

“Oh I know it, I had to fight the words out of you Kinard” he grinned at the older, who once again rolled his eyes at Buck, pushing his shoulder lightly. He looked at him for a while, a question popping into his mind suddenly, “Hey, can I ask you something unrelated?”

“Yeah?”

“Were you ever uncomfortable with me before I dated Abby?”

Tommy was stunned, not expecting the question, but also not understanding the point Buck was trying to make, or insinuating “Uhm, what do you mean Evan?”

Buck exhaled looking away, knowing the explanation could make it worse “I mean… I know I was a bit of a player before, new girl every night kind of guy and I fear… that it was one of the reasons you hated me so much” he brought his left leg closer to his chest, caressing the knee to soothe himself.

“Evan… I, I never hated you, not really” Tommy moved his body closer, chasing Buck’s gaze to make sure they were eye to eye “I mean, yeah, you were stupid and reckless and I really didn’t like it when you called me Thomas but real hate? I couldn’t really, and about the sleeping around thing…” he looked down for a few seconds before turning his gaze back on Buck, an embarrassed smile accompanying it “I can’t really judge when I used to do the same”

The younger’s eyes were wide open “W-what? How?” 

“Well, there’s something called dating apps, where you—”

“I know what a dating app is Tommy, I just” he exhaled through his nose, a nervous laugh coming out of his mouth “I never thought of you as the type to hookup, not that you couldn’t, I mean… but I just, you seem like such a romantic too”

And he was. Everything about Tommy screamed hopeless romantic.

“Who says you can’t be both?” he let out a short laugh, looking at Buck softly “I’ve always been in love with love I guess, it’s just, after Abby I turned to sex as a sort of self-destructive behavior” Tommy didn’t like to think about that time of his life anymore, the painful realization being too much for him sometimes “I slept with a lot of guys and I mean, a lot, but it never made me feel good or like I deserved to have anything good, it was more like a reminder that I, that I wasn’t allowed to be happy after what I did to her—” whatever he was gonna say next was stopped by the feel of two arms wrapping themselves around him “Evan?”

“I… I’m sorry” the words came like a whisper in his ear, which would make Tommy shiver in any other context but here they were overwhelming him.

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t… You never…”

“I’m sorry you felt that way, Tommy… I know I was a pain in the ass then, and I probably still am” he grinned against the skin of the older’s neck “But you deserve love, you may have hurt people but you are good, Tommy” Buck moved his head back, looking at Tommy deep in the eyes “You are a good person, even if you don’t believe it sometimes”

Tommy wanted to cry, his eyes glistening but not daring to go beyond that. For so long he hated himself so much, and let himself be used to prove that point. One-night stands that made him feel empty, bathroom and alleyway hookups that kept the momentum going, shame overpowering his body. Opening himself to love wasn’t easy, not even with a guy as good as Andy was, but he didn’t want to live in a lie anymore, he didn’t want to let hate burn him from the inside out and consume him.

Tommy gripped Buck’s back, not wanting to let him go just yet “Sometimes I think it’s funny, that my own self-hatred was projected onto many of my relationships, ours included”

Buck arched an eyebrow, intrigued “What do you mean?”

Tommy’s hands left the younger’s back almost as an instinct, feeling a heat reach his cheeks as he pulled away, embarrassment crossing his face “I… okay, don’t laugh please” when Buck reassured him he wasn’t going to he took a deep breath and leaned to take a sip of his beer, pretending it would give him courage “Alright, I… when we met I actually thought you were pretty cute, like I could’ve asked you out kind of cute”

Buck heard the record scratch in his brain, there was nothing else but those words.

‘I thought you were pretty cute’

“And that lasted exactly five seconds until you called me by my name” Tommy hid his face on the back pillows, groaning as his words were muffled by them “I can’t believe I just told you that”

“Tommy, you… you aren’t playing with me, right?” the older looked up, confused at the hitch in Buck’s voice. He looked different, something in him had changed in the way he was looking at Tommy, the older could swear he was seeing a glimmer in his eyes, but shook his head internally, thinking it must be the alcohol.

“No, why would I?”

Buck’s body shifted, his side resting on the back pillows as he leaned closer to Tommy, without invading his space “Okay, this may be funny too but… I sort of got jealous when you told us about Andy”

Tommy tensed up, a million questions popping on his mind as he locked eyes with Buck “Wait, jealous? Why?”

Buck tilted his head, a shy smile appearing on his lips “I… I started to feel like that when you probably started seeing him, y-you changed the way you behaved around me, almost as if… I wasn’t worthy of your time anymore” he remembered how it felt, that strange sensation in his chest the first time Tommy stopped fighting him back, making a passing comment instead “Now I know that’s a stupid way of thinking of course, but, I didn’t realise how much I secretly liked getting your attention”

Tommy looked at him wide-eyed, a thought— a desire crossing his mind “My attention?”

“Yeah I guess so” he chuckled, a soft look in his eyes and a warm grin settling in “I… I was so envious of how easy it was for Andy to get your atten—” suddenly all thoughts were replaced with static when he felt the older’s fingers grab his chin and pull him in.

Tommy was kissing him.

Tommy Kinard was kissing him, on the lips. And Buck was returning it.

It was so gentle and sweet, warmth flowing through their bodies as the few seconds the kiss lasted stretched until it felt like hours, hours none of them wanted to end. Tommy’s hands were in different places, one resting on the younger’s chest while the other landed safely on one of the thighs, simply laying there. Buck’s hands were another story, not knowing where to put them, they gravitate around Tommy’s shoulders tentatively, never landing them anywhere before the kiss broke.

Buck opened his eyes first, looking at Tommy like he was from another planet, and with that a light-switch turned on his brain, a realization with it.

When Tommy’s eyes opened he saw a vision: a pair of glassy blue eyes looking back at him, pink lips agape, and a blush across the cheeks he desperately wanted to kiss now.

“Like that?” his mouth was faster than his head, letting him say things unfiltered.

“Yeah… yeah, that works” Buck was dumbfounded, one phrase crowding everything inside his brain: kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.

Tommy gave him one of his scrunchy smiles, the ones Buck had only seen directed at the older’s ex, and he felt good about it. He felt like he was the object of Tommy’s attention, and that was making him feel giddy inside, yearning to keep that going for as long as the older would want to. Buck got closer, their chest almost brushing the other’s.

“So that was okay?” the older asked, and Buck just wanted to jump him and join their lips again, but he held back even though his skin was itching with want.

“Tommy that was… better than okay, I…” Buck’s brain was officially scrambled, trying so hard to make neural connections and actually work to get the words out “I want to— I need to… God, I can’t think straight” he chuckled, leaning his head on Tommy’s shoulder, who proceeded to sink his fingers into his hair, playing with it. Buck was actually in heaven.

“Metaphorically or literally?” he let out a small laugh when Buck admitted to both, and let him lean back to look into each other’s eyes, Tommy’s hand traveling to cup the younger’s face “Hey”

“Hey”

Tommy nudged their noses together, enjoying the moment without getting to kissing just yet. There was a tenderness in the way he was treating Buck that he had never once tried on him before, and it was giving them whiplash. All the time disliking each other didn’t matter, not when Tommy had just changed Buck’s entire life.

“Tommy…” the neediness in Buck’s voice left the older feeling like all the air was out of his lungs, not knowing how to breathe properly.

“Yes, Evan?” The hitch in Tommy’s voice was making the younger feel like his skin was on fire, desperately wanting the other to put it off.

Buck gave him a peck, and then another, and another one as they leaned on the cushions, Tommy’s head resting on the armrest. Buck deepened the kiss, the feeling of Tommy’s wet tongue driving him to the edge in a matter of seconds, nothing else existing. The younger cupped the older’s face with his hands as the kiss continued, looking more like a makeout session at this point. He bit the other’s lower lip, getting a soft moan out of Tommy.

“I need… I need… more, Tommy, I want more” he said between kisses, and sighed against the older man's mouth when he felt his fingers digging inside his shirt, settling on his waist.

“I want that too, but… Are you sure Evan?” Tommy had to ask, even though he just wanted to have Buck all to himself and touch every inch of his body, a heat settling in his belly.

Buck nodded, a playful smile on his face “I’m sure, I want, I only want you now Tommy” and that did it for him, next thing he knew Buck dived back in, their tongues fighting as the younger started to grind against him, sighing with content.

If there was anything like Heaven, Tommy knew he must be in some version of it. And he was loving it.

[lucidl0ser]

Merry Christmas!! (a bit late 💔) I hope you're spending a wonderful holiday! I wanted to ask for winter activities with Mikey, Rindou, Ran, Sanzu, and Kokonoi? Little headcanons to vibe with<3

Btwww, I've been the one requesting you all along, so I will identify as the 🍓anon, I always request for tokyo revengers lmao I hope u don't mind 🤧 I love how you write!! Keep it up🩷🩷

Christmas Headcanons for Mikey, The Haitanis, Sanzu, and Kokonoi!

*********************

Omg, thank you so much, I literally love you!!! Thank you so much for your support, I'm so happy you enjoy it! Requests as much as you like and merry late Christmas!

*********************

Mikey

○ Mikey's the type to sneak the holiday cookies Emma bakes. Every time Emma catches him, she chases out of the kitchen with a spoon!

○ Like it's stated, Mikey goes on rides every night on Christmas Eve til midnight with his gang and Shinichiro. One time, all the captains and vice captains went on the ride with him, and he had the time of his life!

○ Even in the Bonten time line, he still goes on his ride, and Sanzu joins him

Rindou

○ I feel like Rindou is the type to act like he doesn't like Christmas, but he secretly makes holiday mixes all throughout December

○ He spends DAYS trying to find the perfect gift for Ran. Usually it ends up being some new sheets or a soft blanket ♡

○ I think he'd binge watch Christmas movies with Ran and get very invested, just for Ran to fall asleep the first half of the first movie

Ran

*********************

○ Ran definitely hates the cold the holidays bring on. He has to bring out all his blankets just to make sure he gets a good night sleep without the cold

○ Every year, he buys Rindou some expensive gift like cologne, a watch, but one time he bought him a new keyboard and Rindou got so excited. Ever since then, he would buy Rindou a bunch of music stuff, that he later regrets from Rindou's late night practice

○ He's definitely amazing at ice skating tho! He'd be so graceful, and he'd laugh every single time Rindou falls down

Sanzu

○ Sanzu, despite hating his brother, always comes home for the holidays for Senju. He'd buy her tons of gifts to make up for not being there much

○ He also has spent a lot if holidays with the Sano's as well. Growing up with them means his family at this point. Which means he's included in the ugly sweater family photos every year Shinichiro insists on

○ I feel like in the bonten time line, he's started tons of snowball fights with the rest of the group just for the hell of it!

Kokonoi

○ You already know he buys the best gifts. From an expensive necklace for Akane, some beautiful stilettos for Inupi, and so much more

○ He would get cold so easily, dressing all handsome in a design coat just to head straight back inside and put on three more to keep warm

○ I think he would organize a secret Santa for the gang, just for it to go terribly wrong and chaotic♡

*********************

I hope you enjoyed it!! Thank you again for your continuous support ♡

[lowkeyrobin]

Hey pookie😽I’d like to request headcanons for the mcyts with an actor/actress s/o.<3 Especially how they’d react to any emotional scenes or if the character that their s/o played dies, im craving some angst right now lol

Ly😻

oooo okay okay ; I'm still very much burned out but unable to give myself a damn break so I apologize for these being so short ; I also named movies to get some inspo so sorry if you don't know any/some of them lol

ALSO!! I'm gonna rework my oneshot links on my masterlist so beware any changes lol

MCYT ; actor reader with death scenes

includes ; tommyinnit, ranboo, badlinu, nihachu & quackity

warnings ; language, talk about death, gore & violence

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

you played a character in evil dead rise, which tommy got really attached too even though you got like 10 minutes of screen time

genuinley started sobbing and laughing at the same time bc your death was so sad to him for some reason yet so cool and bloody

he looks over at you, jaw dropped like "wtf?"

there's actually tears streaming down his cheeks 💀💀💀

you post a pic of him crying on ur ig story and caption it "he's sad I died"

he logs back into his old letterboxd account to rate it 5 stars

his explanation is "my partner died but good movie. I almost cried again seeing the monster thing at the end though"

RANBOO

you had a little cameo in a quiet place pt2

basically your character was alive for a while and helping out the abbotts until you died saving reagan from one of the death angels

she obviously couldn't hear one behind her and your character had to lunge and save her and sacrifice themselves on the island that she ran off too iykwim

like your character went off with her to keep her safe + you died during that chase/fight scene at the end

ran nearly broke down into tears because you got a solid two hours of time in that movie for all that buildup and shit

TO DIE TOO

they started crying a bit cause like ???

literally gave you an award (a massive hug) for your incredible acting skills bc damn

FREDDIE BADLINU

insidious the red door goes crazy

you bond with dalton at college and help him float around and shit

the demon doesn't like that you're helping him whatsoever so it drags your character into the further

the whole kill is done with you exploring the further for a moment, being hunted down by prey and then jumpscared by the demon

it's not a very emotional death but it scares the fuck out of Freddie

"wait, oh my God, they'll never be able to talk to Dalton about supernatural stuff again! what the hell?"

the death was pointless and for a jumpscare but he couldn't care, he enjoyed watching you on the screen

NIKI NIHACHU

you were in the forever purge

you play a very obviously queer & pro-human rights character who's shit on by all the rich, conservative, ranch owning Texans in the movie

you basically had to sacrifice yourself trying to get to the border in time

in the city scene, you get killed as a protection sacrifice

no way you were letting adela die

niki literally started crying bc there was no reason for your character to give up their life but they did anyways

you were such a w the whole movie and she can't help but rant about that as well

she gives you a round of applause at the end cause like that was a damn good performance cmon now

ALEX QUACKITY

alex is never watching any terrifier movie ever again holy fuck

you skipped over the first one bc you couldn't even watch it again and went to the second because you were in it

he was actually on edge the whole movie

what the hell do you mean you were cut in half??? wtf is this?? saw???

he actually almost puked LMAO

you were laughing the whole time your death was playing

"WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?? THIS UGLY CLOWN IS KILLING MY PARTNER"

"that mf doesn't know you Alex, I do"

"Okay whatever"

[hellfirenacht]

Wing Man Part 7

Fic Summary: Steve 'the Hair' Harrington is your best friend, and is constantly striking out. Sick of this, you two make a deal; you'll wing man for each other. Hooking Steve up with dates is easy, but he finds himself struggling to find you a date. At least, until Dustin starts talking about his new cool friend Eddie.

(1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9)

Chapter Summary: Dustin spills the beans, and Wayne gives some advice.

5k words

Chapter Summary: Dustin spills the beans, and Wayne gives some advice.

A/N: Happy New Year! I ran out of steam there for a while but I am bursting with new inspiration and have a billion ideas for new and old fics! Thank you for your patience and support 💜

The next night after dropping you off at home, there was a storm the likes of which Hawkins had never seen. Lightning lit up the sky through the night like a shitty rave, knocking out the power for Forest Hills Trailer Park for the better part of two days. It wasn’t until Saturday, when Eddie attempted to check in on Ronnie again, that he realized that their worn out phone had been completely fried. Shit.

Getting a new one was easier said than done, Eddie and Wayne had to pinch pennies this week after his uncle had been out of work a few days because of a cold, and having to replace a good chunk of groceries that had gone bad sitting in the dead fridge.

Sure, Bev had been nice enough to give Eddie a few extra shifts at the Hideout to help cover but that was a paycheck that wasn’t going to be in for another week. There was always his dealings, but he’d been keeping his head down after nearly having his stash blown by an over enthusiastic K-9 unit that, thankfully, was more interested in the jerky that Eddie had in his jacket.

For a week, he’d been without a phone now. Normally it wasn’t a huge loss, not many people actually bothered trying to call him anyway, and Wayne didn’t really socialize much working the night shift. But he missed Ronnie, and he really was stressing each day that went by that he didn’t call you. Eddie knew that whatever this was, he was probably already blowing it.

Tuesday rolled around again, and he hoped that you’d show back up to the Hideout. Jeff had even agreed to give most of the band a ride if Eddie agreed to haul their equipment and do all of the breakdown in case you needed another ride home. No such luck though, unbeknownst to him Keith had come down with the same cold that his Uncle Wayne had the week before, meaning you had to work a double.

It was now Friday, over a week since you’d written your name in the most stubborn permanent marker he’d ever come across. Your name still stained his skin in a faint and ugly shade of pea green. Eddie could now say your number by memory, despite never having punched in the digits once. If anyone at school had noticed that Eddie ‘the Freak’ Munson had a girl's name on his arm, they didn’t say anything.

“Whose number is that?” Mike asked in the middle of a time out while Zach and Gareth were pouring over the rule book over the legality of a move that Eddie was sure was bullshit. So much for that.

Eddie’s head snapped over to the freshman while those in Corroded Coffin snickered and suddenly lost interest in the rules for the moment. With the candles and stage lights on, it was always warm in the Hellfire room, and Eddie had stripped his jacket giving his arms a chance to breathe while he guided the party on their next adventure.

It had also meant that the faded remains of your number was still visible, which he hadn’t thought much of until Mike had pointed it out.

“Yeah, Eddie, whose number is it?” Jeff snickered, which earned a hard look from Eddie that under any other circumstances would have shut Jeff up but in this case only made him laugh harder.

For a moment he debated internally about putting his jacket on, and telling them all to shove it. It was tempting, very tempting, but Eddie wasn’t a teen anymore. Hell, he had a good two to three years on most of the members in this club. Why should he be embarrassed because a cute girl had some sort of interest in him?

Because you’re blowing it by not being able to call her. He told himself.

Eddie then told the table about how you’d given him your number right before he dropped you off. How you’d been a perfect gentleman and hadn’t taken advantage of him or made any untowards moves to him. (Even if he had thought you almost did, but he kept that part to himself).

To his surprise, the ribbing was kept to a minimal. Without Eddie fighting against it, the group became less interested. Eddie’s love life was only of interest when it meant that the sheep could finally have some fun with the shepard.

That was going to be the end of it. Jeff had conceded that the rule they were looking up had been an old house rule from his middle school group that he had never questioned as not actually being accurate, and they were ready to move on. Eddie opened his mouth to guide the party to the next encounter-

“I thought you said you weren’t interested in her.” Dustin suddenly said. Eddie had thought that the shrimp had been suspiciously quiet for the past few minutes.

“If that was him not interested then I’m quitting Hellfire to be a cheerleader.” laughed Gareth.

“No one wants to see you in a miniskirt, man.” said Mike.

“They have guy cheerleaders!” protested Gareth. “I’d wear the pants.”

“That’d be a first.” ribbed Zack.

“Don’t you have to be crazy strong to be a cheerleader? Gareth, your strength stat sucks.”

“I haul my own drumset every week!”

“Can we get back to the game?”

“Eddie,” Dustin spoke up again. His brows were furrowed and he was messing with his pencil, the same way he did when someone in the party was about to do something that didn’t make any sense. “You did say you weren’t interested.”

So much for Eddie’s love life being of no interest, he now had a herd of sheep looking at him expectantly, no longer talking about Gareth possibly changing after school activities. He should ignore it, get everyone back on track, and lead them back into the Forbidden Caves where he was not tempted to throw a mimic in for messing with the flow of the game.

He should... but Dustin’s comment bugged him for some reason.

“I never said that.” Eddie said, looking at the kid.

“What? Yeah you did!” Dustin looked as shocked as Eddie felt. When had he ever said he wasn’t interested in you?

“Oh yeah, when?” Eddie crossed his arms and leaned back in his throne, his eyes narrowing.

“At the arcade!” Dustin sounded frustrated. “You told me that you didn’t want me introducing you to anyone when we were doing Hellfire related shit, and that you weren’t interested anyway.”

The warmth from the candles and stage lights were nothing compared to the heat of everyone’s eyes on him. What the fuck was Henderson even talking about?

Oh. Oh what the fuck?!

“Excuse me?” Eddie said slowly as that thirty second conversation started to play in his mind.

“Yeah, I remember that.” Mike added, in an attempt to back up his friend. “We just assumed she wasn’t your type.”

Eddie hadn’t been looking to be anyone’s boyfriend. He was never looking to be dating anyone, the few times he’d found himself in the good graces of a girl who’d shown interest in him it had always blown up in his face.

That had never stopped him from trying though.

“Are- wait. Back up.” Eddie stood up and made his way over to the opposite end of the table where the freshmen were suddenly looking very nervous. He grabbed them by the shoulders, as he’d done so many times in the past and hauled them up while the rest of the table watched on in amusement. Normally, Eddie would never pause the game but, fuck it. This kid had something to do with you, and he was going to figure out what.

“Jesus, Eddie-” Mike said, wincing at the grip. “I don’t have anything to do with this, it was all Dustin and Steve!”

This was getting more and more confusing by the moment. Eddie shoved the two boys to face them, leaning over them. Even with Mike’s growth spurt over the past few months, somehow Eddie still seemed to tower over them.

“Steve?” Eddie’s voice was slow, trying to understand why that name was even being spoken in the private sanctuary away from jocks.

“Yes, Steve! They’re like, best friends or something! Ask Dustin!” Mike said, throwing his friend under the bus.

“What’s the big deal?!” Dustin asked, looking between Mike and Eddie with a look of bewilderment.

“Henderson, you have thirty seconds to explain what the actual Hell is going on before your character becomes Quasit food.” Eddie said, releasing his grip on both of the freshmen.

“Okay, okay!” Dustin held his hand up in surrender, looking nervous as everyone watched the scene unfold. “So, you know how her and Steve work together? Well, they had a deal going on where they’d help get each other dates.”

Eddie’s head tilted down slightly, but his eyes stayed firmly focused on Dustin. This was making less and less sense by the minute. Steve needed help getting dates? King Steve of Hawkins High who had the pick of any girl in school before he graduated? That Steve Harrington couldn’t get a date and so had recruited you into helping him?

And you, you with the everything about you couldn’t get a date either? Hadn’t you mentioned something about that before, at the Hideout?

“I help him and he uh... he helps me get out of the house.”

You’d said that, and he hadn’t thought much of it until now. All this time, Eddie had thought the arcade incident had been Dustin trying to have his two older male friends meet and be friends, but it had been you that he was supposed to meet?

“So you’re telling me that you, Dustin Henderson and Steve Harrington were trying to set me up on a date?” Eddie looked over at the rest of the table that looked just as bewildered as he did. This was a prank, right? He’d been tossed into some sort of alternate dimension where a freshman and a jock had any sort of interest in his love life, in any part of his life. He’d sooner believe that he’d run a drug deal with Chrissy Cunningham than this.

“Well, technically we were trying to set her up on a date and you seemed like a good fit?” Dustin’s answer came out as more of a question, leaving Eddie’s mind reeling. Behind him, he could hear the growing snickers of the party.

Eddie was ready for this to start making sense any time now.

“So she was helping Steve get dates and he wanted to set her up with me?” Nope, even after thinking it a half dozen times it still wasn’t clicking.

“That part was my idea actually!” Dustin said, showing off a smile filled with metal. “She’s pretty weird and Steve said she was picky-”

“Can’t be that picky if she was interested in Eddie.” muttered Gareth, earning another round of laughter at the table.

Eddie didn’t even have it in him to shoot another look at the table as he continued to try and piece together what was going on.

You and Steve had a deal to try and get each other dates. You were picky and so Dustin suggested Eddie. Steve then brought you to the arcade to force a meeting and-

“Wait, did she know that she was supposed to meet me?” Eddie asked suddenly.

“Oh yeah, she knew the whole time in the arcade.” Dustin nodded, hoping that Eddie wasn’t about to blow a fuse over this. “Well, she figured it out at least. See she was just supposed to be tagging along with Steve to find guys to flirt with but then uh... she realized she was supposed to meet you.”

“And she didn’t know who I was?” Eddie clarified, thinking back to the way you’d tried to talk to him about Hellfire, Chris Morrison, anything to try and start a conversation. How the hell was it that he could remember every time you two met so clearly, but you didn’t know who he actually was?

Because it wasn’t about you, Eddie. He had to remind himself.

Dustin shrugged. “I guess not? She’s never mentioned you before that night.”

Guess not everyone paid attention to the Freak. He hated that it bugged him that you didn’t remember him but could he blame you? He probably wouldn’t remember him either, just a Munson fuck up who everyone was waiting to end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

Eddie pushed Dustin back down into his seat, done interrogating the poor freshman. Everyone watched as he made his way back to his side of the table, behind the DM screen. He had a lot to think about, but he wasn’t about to start processing that in front of the rest of Hellfire.

“You all wander deeper into the cave, the only light coming from the torch carried by-”

“I have dark vision!”

Broke and bored, Eddie haunted the trailer for the rest of the weekend. He did have practice with Corroded Coffin for a generous two hours on Saturday, and then a long shift that night at the Hideout where one old drunk had slipped him a $10 tip for making sure he always had a cold beer in hand. But those few hours were just a minor reprieve from the information that Dustin had given him the previous day.

When he wasn’t distracted by work or practice he was practicing guitar, working on lyrics, prepping for the next Hellfire session.

He tried to think about you, but ended up feeling confused. When he was trying to think about anything else, all he could see was the way you had flirted with him at the Hideout.

Despite popular opinion, Eddie wasn’t stupid when it came to girls. He could tell when a girl was interested in him, and you had made it clear that you had at least some interest in him. You had told him point blank that you were not with Harrington, and had no interest as well. He’d seen the way you looked at him while watching them play, that excitement in your eyes. Your head had bobbed to the rhythm of their songs watching them with as much enthusiasm as if you’d been a fan for years.

Paige had watched with similar eyes, right? She’d seen something in them that no one else had before-

No. Not them. Not Corroded Coffin. Just Eddie.

It felt pathetic that he kept comparing you to Paige. He didn’t want to, he really didn’t want to. It wasn’t like he was still hung up on Paige, not really. She’d just been a turning point in who he was as a person. She’d been the first (and last) girl to really look at him as a person. If his dating prospects had been small before, they had completely dried up over the past two years.

Date the freak? Yeah, right. There had been the odd girl who’d hit on him as if daring themselves to get with him but he was done with that. A few mediocre dates that he’d agreed to out of boredom or loneliness had only added to the idea in Hawkins High that he was undesirable. Adding to that, the older he got, the younger his underclassmen became and the idea of dating someone younger was... well he didn’t need to add ‘creep’ to the long list of rumors about him. It didn’t matter to him most of the time, instead focusing on his friends, his band, his club, his business, himself. God knows he’d never be able to hold down a relationship unless he got his shit together and earned everyone’s trust again.

“Graduate and get laid, Munson.” Ronnie’s voice echoed in the back of his mind and he groaned as his face warmed. It was the middle of the week, just over two weeks since the night at the Hideout. Eddie was laying on the old couch face down, his homework on the counter half finished and the blue glow of the tv doing little to distract him.

The sound of the door opening didn’t even phase him enough to look up, even as Wayne grunted out a hello before setting something down on the counter next to his forgotten schoolbooks.

“Did you eat?” Wayne asked, which earned a shrug from Eddie. How could he think about eating when he was stuck thinking about everything else?

“Are you gonna tell me why you’ve been moping around for the past few weeks?” Wayne tried again in an attempt to be a good guardian. When that didn’t work either he sighed and said “Might as well step outside with me and have a smoke.”

It was better than doing whatever the hell else Eddie was doing now, and so he rolled off the couch less than gracefully and followed his uncle out onto the porch to sit on the outdoor couch. Wayne offered him the smoke and for a moment it was peaceful. Wayne wasn’t one to push Eddie to talk about anything, but he did have a way to make him think even if it did piss him off occasionally.

Eddie took a long drag of the cigarette and released it slowly as he stared up at the sky. It was a dark night, a million tiny dots illuminating the trailer park, even if the moon wasn’t out. He scanned the stars, looking for the three that he knew were Orion’s belt. That’s about where his astrology knowledge began and ended, but it was something to look for at least.

“I think a girl likes me.” He finally said as he spotted what he assumed was the constellation he was looking for.

“Yeah?” Wayne asked, his own eyes gazing upwards as well, giving Eddie the space to talk more.

“Yeah.”

It was silent again for a few minutes as they smoked, the only other sound for a while was that of Wayne cracking open a beer. That’s what Eddie appreciated about Wayne, he didn’t need to fill the silence like his dad did, and Eddie didn’t need to either. He could just... exist.

“I don’t know what to do about it.” Eddie finally said a while later. “She only has an interest because her and some jock are trying to get each other dates.”

“Is that right?” Coming from anyone else that question would have been dismissive, a filler phrase to show that they were paying minimal attention. Eddie knew better though, which caused a knot of frustration in his gut.

“I guess.” he shrugged.

“How many dates has she gone on?” Wayne passed the beer to Eddie, who took a grateful sip.

“Don’t know. It didn’t sound like she’d been on many. Henderson said she’s picky.”

“But she likes you.”

“Yeah.”

Another long stretch of silence as Eddie stewed over the question. He hated how Wayne could break down his problems into simple questions.

“Don’t see why you’re moping around if she likes you.” Wayne glanced over at Eddie. “Are you sweet on her?”

Eddie snorted at the term, taking another drag from the cigarette and flicking the ashes off the porch. “She’s cute.” he said, thinking about how you’d looked the last few times he’d seen you. He might have been distracted that first night at the arcade, but not so distracted that he didn’t notice that at least. “Smart too. She got the guys to listen to her last time we hung out.”

Wayne raised an eyebrow. “She got Gareth to pay attention? That’s a damn miracle.”

“They liked her too.”

“More than the California girl?”

The question caught Eddie off guard and he looked up at Wayne who was still looking off in the distance. Eddie had never explained exactly to Wayne what had happened that first senior year, most of the details going to what happened with Al when Officer Morris was shot. They never talked about how Eddie was so damn close to packing everything up and running away to California.

Thinking about everything that happened that year still stung. Eddie had tried hard not to think about what could have been if CJ and Toby had just shown up one or two days later. Would Eddie have made it to the audition? Would they have really liked him? Maybe in another life he’d be signed and he’d be working on an album or on tour and him and Paige...

It didn’t matter, that ship had long since sailed. Eddie was no rock hero, and never would be. He tried to tell himself it was better this way, if anything it meant that his relationship with Al was over and done with which was a hollow victory if he was being honest.

“Definitely more than her.” Eddie finally agreed. You weren’t asking him to ditch the band and run away with you, so that had to give you some points for them, and for him. Dustin vouched for you, and even Mike, but he wasn’t sure how much that counted for yet. After all Dustin still seemed to worship Steve, and you were friends with Steve-

But did that actually matter? If you and Steve were close enough friends to help each other like this, and Steve was willing to vouch for Eddie, despite never having any real conversation just because Dustin said something-

“She gonna ask you to run away?” Wayne was now looking at Eddie again.

Sometimes he wondered if his uncle could secretly read minds.

“Doubt it.” Eddie said, “She works at the video store. I don’t know much about her, honestly.”

“So ask her on a date.”

“What?”

“She likes you, you want to get to know her. Ask her on a date. It’s not that complicated, Eddie.” Wayne dropped the cigarette on the porch and crushed it under his boot. “You always did think too much, always sucked up in your own world. You’ll be happier in the long run if you open up a bit.”

Easier said than done for a 20 year old still in high school that the whole town considered a satanic cult leader. Then again, when was the last time he’d really opened up to anyone other than Ronnie or Wayne? Right, his dad in the weeks before the heist.

“I think I fucked this up before I could even start.” Eddie sighed, snuffing out his own half finished cigarette. “She gave me her number and I never called.”

“Could’a grabbed a quarter from the change jar and used a pay phone.”

Eddie pressed his hands against his face and dragged them down slowly. Why did good advice always come too late for him?

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I brought back a new phone for the kitchen today.”

Eddie’s head snapped up so fast he should have snapped something, his eyes widening.

“Don’t get too excited. It’s a new used phone. Guy down the line from me offered it up and it’s better than nothing.”

Eddie didn’t care if it was a rotary phone, he’d take anything at this point if it meant that he could try to call you.

He wanted to call you.

He wanted to call you. Eddie didn’t care if you remembered that first time you met, did it even really matter? You had an interest in him, Eddie Munson, now.

“Thanks, Wayne.” Eddie stood up and hurried inside, seeing the new old phone that was sitting on the counter. It took a few minutes of making sure it wouldn’t fall off the wall before he plugged it in and heard that sweet dial tone sound.

Eddie grabbed his copy of Lord of the Rings from his bedside table and pulled out the paper flower, looking at the number scribbled in his own chicken scratch. He didn’t trust himself to punch in the number without checking, no matter how many times he read the ten digits over the past two weeks.

It rang once.

Twice.

Six times.

No response.

“It’s late, she might be asleep.” Wayne said, grabbing a box of pasta from the cabinet.

It wasn’t that late, not even 8:30 yet. Eddie sighed and hung up the phone, crossing his arms as he thought about his next move. He’d always had tunnel vision when he got an idea into his head, from Corroded Coffin, to his campaigns, to a book that he wanted to read, it was hard to shake the urge when he got one.

Grabbing the keys from the counter he called over to Wayne “I’ll be back later.” which was responded to with a confirmation that he’d save some pasta for Eddie in the fridge.

There weren’t many places he could think of where you could be tonight. You hadn’t shown back up at the Hideout, and the arcade was closed this late on a weeknight. You could be at home, but Eddie didn’t remember where you lived and showing up to your place after two weeks of radio silence would definitely get him in trouble.

So he drove to Family Video.

If you were there he’d do.. something. If you weren’t he’d call you after school tomorrow. Eddie winced internally at the thought. He’d been trudging through school and dragging his feet for the past six years to graduate, and now was the time he felt childish about it. You could legally buy him a beer, and he could illegally sneak you a drink in the Hideout.

At a stoplight he swapped out the Black Sabbath tape for W.A.S.P., remembering that you had mentioned liking them. How did he continue to remember these small details about you?

Because she’s treated you like a human each time you’ve talked. It was startling how something so basic was such a big deal to him.

The lights were still on at Family Video, and the open sign was still lit up. He could see movement inside the store, and he caught sight of someone wearing the signature green vest that the employees wore.

He’d walk in, and if you were there he’d- fuck what the hell was he supposed to do? Eddie stared at the door from inside his van for a few minutes. It was past nine now, and he could have sworn that they should be closed now but that stupid sign was still on. That had to be a good sign right? Eddie wasn’t one to believe in stuff like that but maybe he’d be stupid to ignore a literal neon sign hanging in the door.

Okay, now or never. Eddie had never really been one to hesitate before and he wasn’t about to start now.

He made his way to the entrance and opened the door before he could think about what he was actually wanting to do. Eddie could improvise, it was one of the more useful skills that came from years of running Hellfire.

“Who didn’t lock the door?!” Your voice was a welcome sound, sealing the determination inside of him. No going back now.

“It was Steve’s job to-” your co-worker said. She looked familiar, but he couldn’t place a name to the face.

“Oh, shit. Hi.” Steve was the first to actually notice Eddie as he walked in, looking as if he was expecting literally anyone else.

Turning on the Freak, Eddie smirked at Steve. “Cursing in front of customers, Harrington? Now that’s not very professional of you.”

“Well, we’re closed. You can’t be a customer if you can’t pay.” Steve said, putting his hands on his hips in a way that reminded Eddie of a mother hen. Steve did have a point, and so he decided to cut through any bullshit and looked over at you. You looked like you’d had a long shift, but the way you were looking at him... there was still the same shock that was on Steve’s face, but while his shock was laced with confusion yours was excited. As if you couldn’t believe that The Freak was here and that was a good thing.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Eddie blurted out the request before he could think. He had no idea where you two would go or what you would do but he had to do something.

Your coworker nudged you in the ribs, and your expression changed to a more professional one.

“I- uh. I have to finish closing.” you said, looking at Steve for a split second.

“Steve and I can handle the rest of closing!” Eddie made a mental note to learn this girls name and send her a fucking gift basket one day.

“Guys, I’m literally in charge of you both. I can’t leave before you.” You said, reaching down to grab something from below the counter- your bag. Eddie felt himself growing more excited, his heart pounding as you tossed your work vest and keys over to them. They were basically shoving you out the door to spend time with him.

“We can handle it!” Steve said.

“And I can handle Steve!” Robin added. “We close without you and Keith all the time, remember?”

You stepped out from behind the counter, looking up at him. The color of your eyes under the fluorescent lights reminded him of the stars he had been looking at earlier this evening. Eddie found himself smiling at you as you opened the door for him.

Someone was quick to lock the door and turn the OPEN sign off.

Eddie opens his van door for you, trying his best to make a good impression for whatever was about to happen. You hopped into the passenger seat and he thought that he might enjoy seeing you sitting next to him like this in his van more often.

---

Next Chapter

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[nieceeee]

“WHERE TO NOW?”

PS: babydaddy!eren and y/n have been distancing themselves from one another. Eren wants to be with her but feels like her heart is in another place…or with another person. He and the boys discover exactly what’s going on as he is babysitting one night…

A/N: Angst, tension, fluff for the most part. Cussing, mention of the name babydoll. This is really for a 3 part series so don’t worry there will be plenty of lovey doves stuff towards the end if y’all want it. The other parts will be a little bit longer than this one. I had to play with your emotions before playing with your….nevermind. ENJOY!

W/C: 2.4K

PREVIOUS FICS TO READ: She’s Not Yours (its probably best to read the Eren playlist…if you’ve read them all, see if you can find the references from the previous fics in this one)

“You look amazing, baby doll.” His voice said from behind you, sending a chill down your spine. You took a deep breath to shake the nerves before you lifted your eyes and stared through the mirror at his. “Thank you Rennie.” You say with a soft smile. Things between you two had been…decent. Weeks after that very dramatic day that started with a bloody nose and ended with his ex hearing beating down yo block, time had seemed to blur together. Eren, freaking out about the entire situation, went back to try and talk to her, hoping to smooth things over which also led to another breakdown from her and him consoling her. And even though he admits nothing happened, the simple fact that he was there for her was something you couldn’t stand. And that alone had you questioning so many things. I mean you weren’t together and neither were they so why does who he has a connection with bother you so much. He said even though they weren’t dating at the time, he didn't want her to feel disrespected and assume you called her intentionally. You understood the sentiment although you didn't give a damn about what she assumed. But because of that, you were at a stand still not only with Eren but with your own emotions as well.

You both (more you than him) decided it would be best to give each other some time to figure out what you wanted to do when it came to the complications revolving around your relationship. Yes, the feelings were there but there was also a lot of unhealed trauma and damage that each of you needed to figure out. Eren wanted to be with you, he knew that without a doubt. The constant back and forth and the fallout of his other relationship taught him a few things and it was in those moments where he realized that you were the only person for him. His first real love, his best friend, the mother of his child. He couldn’t see himself being with anybody else again.

Unfortunately for him, you had other plans. You needed more time to sort through your feelings. The consistent pestering in your mind of what happened every time you had tried to make it work with him before would always rear its ugly head and you’d have to face the reality. No matter how much you wanted it to work, things with you and him were too complicated and with a baby in the mix, it was too much to lose. You were so sure about this but for some reason when you called him over to explain it, you had an wave of uneasiness in your belly. But you stayed the course, expressing to Eren that it wasn't a good idea for you all to jump back into a serious relationship after so much mess had happened. Did he understand? Hell no. Why is he okay to sleep in your bed but not enough to be your man. His heart shattered in pieces when you told him you wanted to keep it friendly but he wouldn't show it on his face. Not in front of you. He wanted you to know he respected your backwards ass decision.

So it seemed like you were back at square one, coparenting and some relationship that bordered between ‘my man my man my man’ and ‘oh we are just friends’. Granted none of your other male friends know how you taste, how you moan when your clit is sucked on, and how to hit that sweet spot that you could only reach when he has you pressed into the mattress, fingers splayed out on your back as he… “No.” you say verbally. It wasn't the time for that, not now or anywhere in the near future. You had made the decision and you had to stick beside it. But you knew that you had to get him out of your head. So you distanced yourself as much as you could, only allowing parental visits and no late night stays. No personal phone calls outside of communication about your son. Nothing to give any indication to the feelings you worked so hard on burying.

Eren hated it.

He hated every lost moment. He hated not being able to touch you. He hated waking up in an empty bed. He hated the way that you would stand on the other side of the room when he came to pick up his baby. It was exhausting but he stayed. It was another night out for you. Eren had come over to babysit and you were just finishing up getting ready when he stepped into the doorframe. You swipe the nude butter gloss over your lips once more, pressing them together to distribute the color when your eyes caught the piercing green ones burning into your skin. You both held each other’s gaze for a while, emotions mixed with arousal building underneath your skin. You forced your eyes to shift back down to your vanity, busying your hands with cleaning the space in front of you. Eren smirked behind you, shifting from leaning against the doorframe and placing his hands on the frame above. “So, you all set to go?” He asks you. “Uh, yeah I think so. I just have to grab some shoes.” You say getting up and walking over to your closet.

You look around at your shoes to find a pair that went well with your multicolored satin dress. The beautiful green, brown,and cream colors blended into a perfect gradient in the fabric and the straps fell gently off your shoulders. You looked down at your choice of cream colored shoes before reaching down and picking up the tie up stilettos, steering clear of the red bottoms. Eren noticed and held back his grin, thinking back to the last time you asked him to pick your shoes for you over FaceTime.

“Okay, all set.” You say, this time actually being ready. “Okay, he should be waking up from his nap in about 2 hours and there are plenty of bags of milk already thawed out. You went over the breakdown for the night, running him through the routine he already knew like the back of his hand. Eren knew you were doing it more so as a checklist for yourself so he allowed you to ramble. “Good?” You say finishing your last thought. “Yeah, all good.” You nod gently and make your way to the door. “Oh, Would it be cool if the guys stopped by later? They asked about lil man but I wanted to make sure you were okay with them being here first.” Eren asks. “Yeah, Ren of course. You know I don't mind them being here.” You say brows pulling together slightly. He shrugged his shoulders from the bottom of the stairs. “Just checking. Have fun.” Your lips part to say something but words seem to get lost. Eren keeps his eyes casted towards the floor, not having the strength to look up and see you leave.

“Eren…” you start but he shakes his head. “Go enjoy yourself babydoll.” You press your lips together then turn and walk out the door.

“YO! We here.” A voice calls from the door. Eren rolls his eyes. “You know you could just knock right?” He says to Ony as he opens the front door. “Where’s the fun in that?” He laughs before dapping him and walking inside. “Whats up with you bro? You good?” Connie says as they come through the doorway and walk towards the living room. “Now why you ask the man that. You know he down bad right now.” Armin teases plopping down on to the reclining chair close to the tv. “Oh so y'all got jokes now? Do we really want to have it out?” Eren says matter of factly. “It’s okay bruh, we know you down bad for your girl.” Ony laughed. “Right and how is that best friend relationship treating you?” Eren teases back. Connie and Armin bust out into laughter. “See that’s different, you actually had a relationship with your girl.” Ony groans slumping down into the seat.

“Okay, okay but all bullshit aside E, how are you doing with all this?” Armin turns, giving him his attention. Eren took a moment. “I-…not good man.” He admits to his friends. “I don't get it. Y’all have always been in this space right? So what’s the difference between then and now.” Connie questions. “The difference is she’s talking to somebody.” Eren says softly. The room seemed to stand still at his confession. “What do you mean ‘talking’? Like the same guy?” Armin sits up, his stare intense. This was new for all of you. As long as you and Eren had been together, the guys have always been there. Even through the breakups you would never find yourself in another relationship. Fucking around was different but being committed to any guy besides Eren was not your thing.

Until now.

“I mean the past few date nights has been the same guy. I know I tripped out the Jean situation but they were just fucking. This ‘Reiner’ dude or whoever he is, she’s dating him man. Like sending flowers and love notes, brunches, and day trips type of shit.” Eren groans “Oh shit…” Ony whispered under his breath. “Yeah, exactly.” Eren’s shoulders slump slightly as he shook his head. “Well, E it might just be a phase. Don’t give up on it bro. If you work hard enough at it things have a way of sorting themselves out.” Connie says collecting stares from around the room. “What?” He says confused. “When the fuck did you get some common sense?” Ony asks. “Yeah, that’s my role.” Armin retorts. Eren begins to chuckle which turns into a full on laugh out loud followed by everyone else. “Man fuck yall. I’m just trying to help my boy out.” Connie tries defending himself through the noise.

The sound of baby whimpers from the monitor pulls Eren’s attention. He stands up and walks back up the steps towards his son’s room. He sat up in the crib rubbing his chunky fists into his eyes. Eren walks over and lifts him carefully from the bed, adjusting him and holding him against his hip. “What’s up little man. You all good? Daddy’s here.” He cooes. His son tilts his head up, sleep still in his eyes and offers his daddy a gentle smile. “Yeah, daddy’s here. Come on let’s go downstairs and see your uncles.”

“Aw man there go my lil homie.” Connie says as Eren comes back downs he steps. “Man he don't even like you. You know I'm his favorite.” Ony speaks getting up from the couch. They follow Eren into the kitchen as he takes out a few bags of the breast milk you left to warm up. “Y’all doing all that talking but yet I’m the goddaddy.” Armin smirks, slipping around the counter and grabbing the baby from Eren. He giggles, reaching out and squeezing Armin’s face. “Man, he looks just like Y/N. It’s still crazy to think yall got a baby together.” He says, shaking his head. “I know right. I still can't believe it myself sometimes.” It was true. Eren looks down at your son again and his chest swells with pride. It was so surreal to have something that was created from him and the person he cared for the most. As they sit around and conversation Eren takes the time to warm up the milk, grabbing his phone from his pocket. A text message dings from an unknown number.

He pulls up the attachment sent to his phone. “What the fuck…” his eyes squint as he stares down at the video loading before him. “What. The. Fuck?!” Eren says a little louder, catching the attention in the room. “Yo E, you good man?” Ony asks. Eren’s ears started to ring as anger swirled through his veins. His chest rose and fell rapidly. “Eren, talk to us man, what's going on?” Connie says. “Aye Min, can you put him in his playpen with the bottle please.” Eren strains, trying to keep him composure around his son. Armin nods quickly working to get the baby and setting him in his safe area. “Okay, what’s up?” He says as he walks back into the kitchen. Eren sits his phone down and slides it across the counter to his friends. They hovered around the screen and watched as you made out against a car outside of the restaurant. Reiners hands sliding all over your body as he kisses your lips and down the side of your neck. Your giggles fill the air as your hands slip up to the back of his head.

“Oh shit.” They say in unison before looking back up at Eren who was pacing across the floor. His vision began to blur as his fists clenched and unclenched. “E, you got to chill bruh. You can't overreact on this one. Come on.” Armin says in a calming voice. “Yeah E, you got to breathe man.” Ony reassures him. “I know. I know, man. FUCK, I know. I just-…” He didn't know what to do. Eren swipes his hands down his face as the burning behind his eyes intensifies. There was a silence that swept through the air. A heavy silence that was filled with uncertainty and fear. Eren had never felt this feeling of unease before. Not with you. But the fear of what this meant for you both. Is this the end of you and him for good? The nerves cause his emotions to overwhelm him as he slumps down to the floor. Armin, Connie, and Ony come and sit down next to him. No words could explain but they stayed with him, allowing him to process everything.

“What am I supposed to do man?” He asks no one in particular. “Do what you can. One day at a time.” Armin says. Eyes shifted up at the ceiling until the burning went away. He took a deep breath. Judging from the angle of the video, he knew you knew nothing about being recorded. So the only things on his mine were, who the fuck was following you and how was he going to face you when you got home…

[ghouljams]

how does one become free of insecurity? i’m already doing therapy but i feel i’ve only moved away from hating myself so much i want to d*e into just thinking everyone’s better than me

It's a long journey, but well worth it.

I don't think anyone is ever truly free of insecurity, but I think there's also a lot that is unpacked simply through the language we use to describe ourselves and the jokes we allow other people to make at our expense.

Therapy is great at helping you deal with the big feelings, but sometimes little things get caught in your head and it's hard to shake them. Here are some things that I do to keep myself feeling good, and also some things that I'm working on:

No suicide jokes. I make it a point never to joke about "oh I'll just kill myself" or anything like that because ultimately it just makes me feel worse and nobody finds it funny. It's also a good way to change your thinking and direct your solution brain away from "I'll just end things when shit gets hard." This one is a constant battle.

I compliment myself whenever I have the chance. I take every compliment someone gives me. I pretend to be vapid and self-absorbed. I make kissy faces at myself in the mirror. I tell other people how pretty I am, and I don't fucking care if they think I'm a stupid bimbo because I'm trying to love myself and that's more important.

Being kinder to my younger self. This one feels weird but I found myself being mean to little Ghoul when I was really sad. It feels easy to take out your anger on a kid that didn't know any better, and it doesn't guilt you because that's you that you're hating. But look. You were just a kid. You weren't stupid or ugly or unlovable or evil, you were a kid. I just caught myself calling my teenage self ugly the other day on my way to visit my mom and I had to stop and go "why am I saying this? I was just a kid." And it made me cry a li'l bit ngl, but if felt... idk it felt good in a way.

Don't let fucking anyone tell you, you're not worth it. Does your friend make jokes about how dumb you are? Or how you're so cringey? Or so embarrassing or bad at something or forgetful or WHATEVER? Yeah, fuck that noise. Tell them to stop doing that. Tell them it hurts your feelings and if they still don't stop they aren't your friend, they're your bully. I fucking hate bullies. Don't let anyone talk down to you, I don't care if it was a joke at first, it's not funny anymore. Fuck them.

This is something I'm working on, but when you start fixing one insecurity another will probably pop up. I've been working for a long time on liking how I look, and it's gone really well. But now I'm insecure about my intelligence. So I have to stop myself from calling myself stupid or not answering questions. I just fucking rocked my work trivia party, and Mr. Ghoul thinks I'm smart, so I just gotta keep track of my wins. Sometimes you realize that making yourself secure in one thing makes you insecure about another, but that's ok! There's a learning curve to all of this.

Everyone thinks everyone else is better than them. You don't have to be the best at everything, you don't even have to be the best at one thing! What's important is that you're doing your best. People notice when you're working hard, even if you're not churning out the best product because it means you care about it. Which brings me to

Done is better than perfect. Sure it would be great if you were God's most specialist soldier, but think about how much work that would be! Ok so you're not the world's best knitter, but the scarf you made your friend is their favorite scarf anyway because you made it. So you're not a world class writer, but you had a story in your head and you wrote it down. That's better than it never being written at all. Also just because you think it's bad doesn't mean other people won't think it's a masterpiece. Hell, half of the fics I wrote when I first started this blog I could write better now but that doesn't make them bad, it just means I've gotten better.

We as humans are constantly improving and evolving. Don't let who you are no stop you from striving towards who you'll be in the future. Taking one step down the path towards loving yourself is better than giving up and hating yourself forever. It's slow going, but man I've been doing this shit for a decade and I'm so much happier than I was at 18.

You might think that the more you improve the harder and faller you'll fall back to the bottom, but the lows don't get that low again. You're doing great. I'm proud of you.

[physics-of-one-piece]

I am so sad to inform everyone that there is no Doffy for like 12 episodes since 629, he appears next in 642 which is a CRIME.

Anyway, Eng Doffy liveblog 642, let's gooo!

Doflamingo: Hey, Law! I hate to admit it, but you managed to impress me! Must've taken some effort to get a Navy admiral to show up. And since I'm no longer a warlord, I'm really shaking in my boots!

Hahahahahaha this bastard 🤣🤣🤣 also, the way he says "Law" oh the condescension. Fits.

Law: You're a damn liar!

Go, Law 😤 you tell 'im!

(skips the boring Colosseum parts cus we aren't here for that we are here for the sass fight between Doffy & Law in English)

"Haven't you ever seen a magic trick?" Did he just take a jab at Law's intelligence? I think?

See, Eng Doffy sounds so confident and smug but in that assholeish way, he gives me the "I want to punch him" feel. Meanwhile Japanese Doffy gives me the "I would not DARE punch this man bcs I know I will not live long enough to regret it" feel. I would not DARE go against Japanese Doffy, I would not dare speak or yell at him, while I would foolishly think of punching and attempting to punch English Doffy. Does that make sense? Eng Doffy would trick me into thinking I have a chance. Japanese Doffy I wouldn't even think about fighting him.

I love how you can already pick up on his "I am a god" thingy bcs Eng Doffy says "creates the blind spot in humans" he could have said "people" but nope. That's a nice little hint.

Also, once more, Eng Doffy is making my brain work for it with the "But it's the rigidity of the mind assuming no one would go to such lengths that creates the blind spot in humans."

RIGIDITY OF THE MIND

MAN, he makes me feel like I'm a silly little human with no knowledge of the world. Also, what a freakin scholar. I mean, we knew, and you can catch it in his Japanese vocabulary too, he is a royal for sure.

I gotta say, I remember the first time watching this and my brain was fckn THEORISING how the fuck Doflamingo could do that, get the newspapers to report fake news, did he threaten the newspapers, has someone in that branch etc etc...

Bcs at that point I don't think the OP lore made me aware Celestial Dragons have such influence? I just thought "rich ugly assholes who sit on their butts in Mariejois with no power of their own"

I think this was #1 reveal in One Piece for me cus like as Law slowly like figures it out and says "only celestial dragons have that power" my mind just blanked out from SHOCK bcs that means - Doflamingo is - but if he is, why is he a pirate - what - what - what - also how the hell is he so HANDSOME if he is a Celestial Dragon?

I think my reaction would be funny to Doflamingo 🤣

And then when the reveal happened I covered my face with my hands and said "Fuck, I want to fuck a Celestial Dragon. How far have I fallen?"

"Don't tell me... You're a..." The fckn FEAR in Law's voice. I got chills. I always get chills on this scene. The DREAD. THE ABSOLUTE DREAD. I'm glad it holds up in English.

"It's too complicated to explain right now." Keeping us at the edge of our seats, the bastard 🤣

"You know why I went to so much trouble, Law? Huh?" OH MY GOD AAAAA 😭😭😭 the way he says it is scary!

"No secret. I just really wanted to kill you."

RUN, LAW. RUN. AAAAAAAAAAA 😱😱😱😱😱

It's interesting how I can sorta pick up on the hatred Law feels for Doflamingo in English. Law has quite a calm voice in English, but it gets ROUGHER and RUDER in tone when he talks to Doflamingo. In Japanese, he tends to raise his voice so he's LOUDER than Doflamingo when he talks to him so both VAs have their own very good takes on the approach of Law's emotions. Very nice.

Doflamingo in English speaks like an angry dad who is trying not to show anger but is still angry and is about to beat the shit out of his son, and also condescending as hell. Like oooh, damn, the condescension when he talks to Law like Law is a kid (he does this in Japanese too just in a bit of a different tone but you still feel the "angry dad disciplining his kid who did sth extremely extremely stupid" so the shoe fits)

Onto Ep 643

Law: There's no way in hell you're getting Caesar back now!

HOLY HELL, HELL YEAH, FIERCE ENGLISH LAW, GO LAW!

Okay, so the way "Doflamingo" is said by Law is so very English it took me off guard. (pronouncing flamingo aloud to myself) Oh okay, that's accurate. Huh. I myself don't really enunciate the go as much as Law does. Okay. Sounds cute, though. Very cute 😊😊😊😊

"We've hardly spoken in ten years and this is how you act? Treat your old boss nicer, won't you, Law?"

OH SHIT OH SHIT. OKAY. OKAY. SO LIKE. WAIT IS THERE A WAY TO SEND A MP3 thingy, BCS YOU ALL HAVE TO HEAR THIS ONE. His voice softened when he said the "won't you, Law" and I fckn melted (again)

Oh, that softer "won't you, Law" I'D YIELD. NO, NO, HE SAID IT SO MUCH SOFTER OH GODDAMN FUCK FUCK THAT DIRTY - THAT'S CHEATING - THAT'S NOT FAIR, I CAN'T BE SCARED OF HIM IF HE TALKS LIKE THAT TO ME. I literally went "awww 🥺🥺🥺" after I heard this. I had the urge to just hug him and caress his hair and say "it's okay, Doffy, Law didn't mean it, there, there (pats him on the head)"

I am weak 😭😭😭😭😭 FUCK YOU, ENG DOFFY. DAMN YOU, ENG DOFFY. It's bad enough Japanese Doffy's voice softens when he talks to Cora, now I find Eng Doffy does it too (even if this is the manipulative thing he does for Law)? FUCKING SHIT FUCK.

DAMMIT!

I love how Doffy says "Hello there. 😄" to Fujitora! Haha.

"If you want to dig into my past, you better be willing to get your hands dirty. It'll take a mountain of evidence to topple me."

Or... You know... A crazy 19-year-old who you pissed off and who doesn't care about evidence 🤣🤣🤣

"Speaking of naughty warlords -" I JUST SQUEALED. HE DID NOT. HE DID. HE SAID IT. Naughty warlord. And the way he said it, too. Oh he is very aware. Adding that to my list of affectionate nicknames for Doffy.

"My plan completely fell apart. The Navy shows up and now I'm the target." Welcome to the life of being Luffy's ally, Law 🤣🤣😭😭

"Hehe. Just can't take the easy way, can you?" SAYS THE GUY WHO MANIPULATED THE WORLD NEWSPAPERS TO TRICK 10 PIRATES.

Excuse me while I go have a nerd timeout for Fujitora cus goddamn his gravity's COOL

Doflamingo: "That's a bit overkill, don't you think?"

I THINK SO, TOO! Japanese Doffy was def freaking out more 🤣

Oh, Eng Law saying "Room" sounds cool!

"Is this how the Navy acts now? Show some restraint! ARE YOU INSANE?!" Doffy freaking out 🤣🤣🤣🤣 this is hilarious!

"What now, Law? You aren't thinking about running away, are you? Because you won't get far here in my kingdom." Yikes.

Tagging @moonbaby26

[ohmeadows]

this is a meandering post as i'm slowly trying to pin down my feelings on how healing is used as a sledgehammer in fandom yet never manages to say anything; but... demanding that others write and re-write to cater to your healing needs is exhausting. the idea that healing is always soft and tender flattens the process too, which in my experience is often ugly as hell and demanding beyond compare. it takes strength and it takes delving into ugly things and sometimes it's extremely unfulfilling when you realize there's nothing left that you can do except throw dirt on it and move on.

steamrolling all healing into some tenderness and softness is... it's not to say that isn't a good part of it, but i don't think it is everything there should be. there's so much to healing, such as what is keeping the healing from happening right now to this character? is it their environment, is it who they are with, is it their loneliness, is it repressed pasts? is it themselves? if you escape the immediate zone of danger, how does your body react? what bubbles up?

one form of media critique that i keep seeing is the... "it didn't heal me personally therefore bad therefore this must happen instead" and the person is just describing a fanfic idea! that they should be writing!

in the fandoms i'm active in, healing is this... amorphous blob people keep saying they want but they can't name it or conceptualize how it'd work for those characters. "i want them happy :(" great. what is happiness to them? what would be required to get there? is being with another person truly the solution? and so on, and so on.

and beyond that, there's the reader's own process of going through the story, of finding catharsis in whichever particular genre they feel drawn to: for me, that's tragedy and doomed narratives and crawling through the trenches while having everything you believe in ripped away and questioned to the pits. that, also, isn't for everyone. i don't think everyone finds the healing i write healing in their definition, and that's fine.

i'm overthinking this from a writing perspective, in the end, thinking about the mechanics and motions necessary to get such a journey instigated and moving, if it's even one the character has interest in going on or has to be dragged through.

anyway. cents thrown into a well. there's doubtless more to say on healing but not every conflict written about in a story will be healed. there's room to sit with what that means and what the story is trying to say with that, what rooms it allows you to enter into.

[haunting-hufflepuffs-basement]

Oh my gosh. OH MY FUCKING GOSH YOU GUYS!

I just, for the third time, rewatched Puffs the Play. I need every single Harry Potter fan (especially those of you who are Hufflepuffs like me) to know about this amazing AMAZING show and go watch it PLEASE.

Puffs the Play is a tongue-and-cheek irreverent adaptation of Harry Potter that covers what the hell the Hufflepuffs were doing during Harry's time at Hogwarts. The main characters are:

Wayne Hopkins, a kid whose parents were murdered on the same night as Harry's and who was sent to live with his well-meaning but super weird and oblivious redneck uncle in New Mexico. He grows up as a completely normal muggle child until he gets his letter, at which point his uncle realizes "We gotta talk more" and he gets thrust into Hogwarts. Wayne believes that he's destined for something great and very much wants to be important and save the wizarding world. Unfortunately, Harry is also there.

Oliver Rivers, an American math savant who just moved to England with his family to attend Oxford's mathematics program. Oliver is very VERY salty about Hogwarts not having a math class and has a lot of struggles adjusting to the absolute insanity that is wizard school

And Megan Jones, a girl whose family is known for being "the Puff family. Like the Puffiest of the Puffs." All except her mother Xavia, who was an infamous and dangerous Death Eat---no wait, sorry, Death BUDDY, who is currently in wizard prison. Megan strives to be just like her mother.

These dorks, along with several other background Puffs from the books (Hannah Abbott, Ernie Macmillan, Justin Finch-Fletchley, etc.) navigate 7 of the craziest years at the most dangerous wizarding school guided under their amazing mentor Cedric. . .at least for a while . . . As Puffs, the most beaten up, looked down on, and "worthless" house.

Now, this play is absolutely amazing you guys. It's hilarious, for starters, and takes a lot of liberties with the books. Every single person there is a cloud-cukoolander who is full of adorkable charm and ridiculous sass towards canon. Common catchphrases include:

"HI!" with a signature adorkable little wave.

"We're WIZARDS!"

"We are not a threat! Please be our friend!"

"Oh. My. Wizard. God!"

It's a filmed play that is deliberately low-budget to help with the comedy. Salazar Slytherin, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Godric Gryffindor are all played by hand puppets. Harry is there, played by the same (female) actress as Susie Bones and is an absolutely hilarious oblivious sweetheart, but Ron and Hermoine are a pair of mops dragged around by other cast members. The cast is a total of, like, 10 people who just continually switch roles. The narrator won't stop taking pot-shots at both the canon Harry Potter story and the story of Puffs, and keeps breaking the fourth wall. Some of my other favorite quotes include but aren't limited too:

"HI CEDRIC! Love your bones" -Harry Potter

"J-Finch is imaginary!?!? J-FINCH CAN GO WHEREVER HE WANTS!"

"AVIA FORMES!" (Chucks bird at person)

"If it makes you feel any better, he's ugly, and he'll probably stay that way forever!" (Said about Neville by the way)

"Someone said the snake monster only goes after pretty girls so I shouldn't have to oh I get it they were bullying me."

"JESUS CHRIST YOU ALL ARE 13!"

"Students who are Brave! Students who are Smart! Students who talk like they're about to throw a glass of white wine in your face! And the Puffs!"

It's really funny you guys.

But it is also incredibly heartwarming and can be sad and serious at times. It's a story of unbreakabke friendship. It's a story about how to keep on going when the going gets rough. It's a story that says it doesn't matter if everyone else thinks you're a bit of an idiot or if you're socially awkward or if you fail a whole lot. As long as you keep trying and keep working hard, something good will be there for you (even if it's not the something you wanted). It's a story about embracing your true self.

It's a story that says "I'm a Puff. And I'm staying."

It has also permanently affected the way I read the Harry Potter books, as I project the Puffs personalities (and frequently looks) onto all the Hufflepuffs when they show up in the books, even if a lot of them don't really match.

Everyone, please go watch Puffs the Play, and understand why I have some strange headcanons about the background Hufflepuffs from the class of '98.

[dullgecko]

The Bad kids and they’re pets (minus Adaine cus we already know bout Boggy) (From most of the headcanons I’ve sent in)

(Riz and Roomba) (this is my favorite headcanon)

Riz and the Roomba’s relationship is complicated. It was a gift from Gorgug. At first he just ignored until it sucked up his tail and he had to kick it off of him. Then he kinda of just avoided it at all costs, if it was cleaning the area near his desk, he’s sitting on top of desk.

Then one day it got stuck underneath a book shelf and he made sure to keep an eye on it. He eventually found it a bit entertaining. He eventually started calling it little nicknames and looking for it when he got home. One day it fell down some stairs and he freaked out, called Gorgug and said something along the lines of- “GORGUG HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!!” - “Who?” - “GUKGAK JUNIOR- I MEAN THE ROMBA!!”

(Gorgug and Cloaca/Chloe)

Gorgug always loved birds when he was growing up. He liked watching them, listening to them. He even went through the effort as a kid to learn the different species he had living in the tree. Unfortunately birds are fragile, one day Gorgug saw one had died out in front of the tree and he literally went bawling to his parents asking them to heal it. Unfortunately they couldn’t. They had a little funeral and everything.

Ever since then Gorgug been so careful around birds, and as much as he wanted one, never said anything because he didn’t want to risk it. Cloaca was supposed to be his way of having a bird that he could rebuild if he broke it. Unfortunately, Cloaca “sucked.”

Gorgug wanted to rebuild her or start from scratch but didn’t have the heart. Eventually Cloaca started repeating other things and Gorgug decided to keep her around. Now she sleeps on a stand next to his bed and he’s trying to teach her what her actual name is and that she doesn’t suck.

(Fig and Baby)

Fig’s mom is a ranger, so she has a lot of experience with animals. Baxter was her equivalent to a childhood dog. Baby, however is not a dog, or an animal really. He’s just baby. Baby mainly stays in Hell unless Fig summons him, unintentionally usually. Fig kind of views him a pet of sorts, she’s tried to teach him things, like basic math (which failed) and basic reading (also failed).

Sometimes he’s just koala stuck to her leg or following her around. One time he called her mom and she didn’t correct him until he started saying it in front of people and she had to explain that she’s technically not his mom. This made him cry, ugly and hysterically.

(Fabian and Hangman)

After Fabian found out that the Hangman was a hell hound, he was ecstatic. He tried on multiple occasions to get Hangman to switch back into this form, and much to his disappointment, the bike refused. Fabian tried calling him a good boy, offering him treats, playing fetch.

Eventually hangman gave into his masters demand, and turned back. The hangman was a bit ashamed of this form, due to the many years of mistreatment from his master. After hearing this Fabian went all lot trying to heal the Hangman’s “Canine side”, toys, new bed, treats, he even gave him a collar with the sea caster emblem on it.

(Kristen and unnamed dog)

Kristen doesn’t have a pet currently, she did however have a really old childhood dog. She was an old Sun dog (fantasy golden retriever), she was incredibly elderly and yet would still follow after her wherever she went. Kristen adored her, in the middle of the night Kristen would go downstairs and lay on the old smelly dog bed with her.

She used to sit on the porch and wait for Kristen to come back from school. Kristen doesn’t really remember when she passed, all she knew was that day was the first day Helio talked to her.

AHHH THIS WAS SO LONG!! SORRY FOR THE DUMP BUT I LOVE THESE GUYS SO MUCH!!

These are so good I love them <3

Rizs roomba. Stick googly eyes on it and it activates his prey drive. He will perch and watch it like he's hunting and zone out for hours. He makes sure to clean the top of it occasionally (his office gets dusty because it isn't very well sealed) and keeps the sensors clear. He even put a little lip near the door so it won't escape and fall down the stairs again.

Chloe/Cloaca can't get totally rebuilt but he does upgrade her occasionally. Her feathers look a lot nicer and she's getting smarter but she still has the same basic frame. She's Gorgugs first pet though so he doesn't take her into battle because he's sentimental like that.

Baby is more of a menace than a pet but Fig still loves him. Sometimes interacting with him does require an extra headache tablet though.

Hangman will pout and sulk about it but will usually revert to dog-mode when asked. He is currently learning the joys of head scratches and belly rubs (also the goblin seems to be quite intimidated by this form. Hangman managed to chase the hissing menace up a tree once just by barking and remembering it makes him happy).

Kristen still finds herself wishing she had a pet but feels like she's not responsible enough to care for one right now. She gets a quoki pet to fill the void instead because it doesn't matter if she forgets to feed it occasionally.

[ochrearia]

Right Back to the Same Old Habits

Uhhh I don't know if this is really? Anything? But it's writing so might as well post it. I don't have anything else finished for RGBFverse and I don't know how motivated I will be for anything else so. Food lol. And it's Beefer so. I haven't done anything with him in a good while and he deserves at least a little something

BFs in this one-shot: Beefer (cs!BF, mine), Yourself (YS)

He wasn’t expecting anyone. He’d actually preferred that everyone decided to be smart and not come around because they had so many better things to be doing. If no one was watching like usual then YS would’ve felt less angry about, well, everything. He had so much anger. It was usually just buried under misery and came off as an already extinguished fire. Not today, he supposed. Right back to the same old habits. Because what was he supposed to do now? Congratulations, you’ve successfully convinced everyone that you’re worth a damn and now you can’t even keep that facade up. So what was left, then? Just anger. Always anger.

Boyf had accidentally seen it. Angry, furious just in general that when he was presented with an excuse to let it out he did. He was actually angry about that damn lemon monster thinking it could get away with hurting his little brother. But the anger hadn’t really been proportionate to what had been going on. It had burned so deeply that he’d forgotten his rule entirely and went eldritch. Using his shapeshifting in fury to look so grotesque and terrifying to match how his anger had felt. Showing an ugly side he hadn’t cared if the monster saw or not. But Boyf had also seen, and there was guilt there in his chest for it regardless. Boyf had told him it was fine. Didn’t stop YS from being angry about going against what he’d promised.

So YS wasn’t expecting anyone. He would prefer to be alone when he was so angry. Which was why he was surprised when he wasn’t left alone after all, and by someone he expected the least.

“Come on. You’re moping and I can feel it, I’m surprised no one else is here to try and fix that for you.” Beefer’s head was peeking through the mirror, a sharp edge to his tone that YS picked up on immediately. “You’re angry.”

“My walls are up? I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You shouldn't have been able to notice that.” YS grumbled. “Not your job to show up and fix it. My mind, my problems. You have your shit to deal with. Focus on that.”

“Not your job to show up and fix our shit either.” Beefer countered.

“It actually is, now. Guardian angel. What’s your excuse?”

“Dunno, probably that your walls have literally never worked for me to begin with. Just another illusion isn’t it? A disguise to hide the true intention. The true you. I can tell when things are fake. I thought it was just being able to tell real humans from fake ones. I think it’s actually just being able to tell illusions from reality in general.”

Fuck.

“Not what you wanted to hear was it?” Beefer snipped knowingly. “Makes you more angry doesn’t it? Come on. Let’s go destroy something together. I’m pissed too, there’s a ton of places in my world where we can cause damage and get away with it.”

“Is it your own anger or is it mine, bleeding into your head?” YS asked, tone bitter. “My fault I guess. Of course I’d find the one version of me that is immune to magic used to hide things. Go home man. Go away. Get out of here, god, fucking leave, whatever comfort you could get from your GF or Pico will still be infinitely better than fucking wasting your time here.”

What are you doing? That’s no way to talk to one of your people. What the fuck is wrong with you?

“Nah.” Beefer shook his head. “You’re just angry. You don’t mean that really. I’ve felt what you really feel for a while now. I know what you’re doing and I may not be able to pull you out of it, but I’m not gonna let you just. Burn all the way down by yourself. Come on. Let’s go destroy some shit. I have something to show you, I was going to save it for a better time but that’s not important. Up. With me. Now.”

Damn fucking lizard. Always someone fucking showing up and acting like they wanted to help him. Pity at best. Obligation at worst. These days were getting more and more common, almost back to being daily and he knew that was bad but what even was the point anyway? There were enough other selves around now that YS could duck out like he’d wanted to and be forgotten. It would just be so damn easy. Maybe that was what he was angry about. He should’ve been long fucking gone by now.

“Times up, I’m not humoring your stubborn little game. You’re not the only one angry and for the record I would still never do anything to hurt you, but I’m not putting up with this. We’re going before you actually lose grip on your emotional walls and it becomes the problem of everyone instead of just me. That would make you even more angry.”

Beefer’s skills had gotten stronger somewhere along the line since the last time YS saw him. There was a sudden inhuman strength in the Dinaurian’s grip as he pulled the both of them through the mirror. Well, guess that made sense, he wasn’t human anymore anyway. YS swore his arm had changed before it, arm becoming more dinosaur-like. Guess that didn’t matter compared to the sudden blast of heat that he was met with.

“The fuck? Why are you at a literal volcano?” YS didn’t think that would ever be a sentence he said.

“Mt. Lavaflow. This isn’t even the only volcano that I could be at right now.” Beefer shrugged. “Thought you liked warmth? Too hot for you, big guy? I can potentially fix that a little in a moment but, better question, how strong are you really? I have no clue about the nature of supernaturals. Are you physically strong or magically strong?” YS ignored the Dinaurian for a moment, choosing to fully take in his surroundings instead. Certainly was a change compared to the routine of jumping through puddles. They’d crossed here through a large shard of obsidian glass, reflective enough for the magic to decide it would work. They were up high, and the angel could see rivers of lava that pooled in lakes. Nothing seemed like it was cooling down on its own.

Ironic.

“This mountain is self-sustaining. Most of the volcanos here are.” Beefer explained. “Apparently that’s not really a thing for everyone else? I’ve gotten ridiculous reactions every time I tell one of the others that volcanoes in my world just perpetually leak lava. Yeah. You can stop gawking now.”

“I wasn’t.” YS snipped. “Congrats. You’ve got me here. Now what? Great, I can sit and stew in physical fire instead of emotional fire. Actually, now I can do both. This is a great idea.”

“God you’re insufferable when you’re pissed off.” Beefer groaned. “Guess I wouldn’t be any better. I’m you. You didn’t answer my question. Think you’ve got the arm strength to start smashing some rocks? The lava here won’t cool down on its own. But it will cool if an outside force makes it.”

“What, you?” YS asked with a raised eyebrow. “I’m a shapeshifting angel, I have no water related magic. And without my wings I can’t do anything with wind either. So what do you have?”

Beefer gave a mix between a sneer and a grin. Maybe this was a bad idea when both of them were in such foul moods, but, oh well. Already here. Might as well keep digging this hole.

“Like I said. I wanted to show you this at a better time but if we’re going to be angry, you know, maybe there isn’t a better time for it. This is the last thing I’m going to be able to communicate to you so you’re going to have to save your awe-inspired questions for later!”

Before YS could ask what the fuck that possibly meant, Beefer was engulfed by a flash of light. And when it was gone, so was Beefer- well, the Beefer that YS was used to seeing. In his place was now a literal fucking dinosaur. Over twice YS’s height, towering over him with a tooth-filled mouth set in something like a snarling grin. Paper white skin, a giant cyan mane, teeth, claws, everything you’d expect to see of a theropod. Except it was so clearly alien, staring back at him with blood red eyes. Beefer, more dangerous than YS had ever cared to think.

“And for the record I would still never do anything to hurt you.” 

Right. YS could at least recall things said five minutes ago. He could see why Beefer had wanted to save this for a better time, because the concept of an angry dinosaur usually would end in someone getting torn to shreds. Those baby fangs and claws Beefer had in his humanoid form were more of a fucking warning than something to be scared of. His full dinosaur form, on the other hand…

“So, what, you’re going to start smashing rocks and leaving me smaller ones?” YS asked, hands in his pockets. “Look, fine, I can admit that you look cool. Fucking warn a guy about the flashbang effect next time.”

In the back of his head he remembered Beefer wasn’t always able to do this. So at some point along the line of not getting to hang out with each other, he’d learned. And he’d wanted to show the angel that despite everything going on with him, he’d found something to learn and be excited about. If he wasn’t letting his bad emotions get in the way of logic then maybe he’d say something about that like he should.

The Dinaurian grunted at him. Stomped off, looking behind him to make sure YS was following. They walked for a little while, down the side of the mountain to lower ground with a closer pool of lava.

“I don’t see how this is any better.”

The dinosaur glared at him, using his tail to push YS to back up. He did with a raised eyebrow, not seeing how this was going to do anything, but he assumed Beefer knew what he was doing.

Beefer let out a shrill mix between a growl and a hiss, jumping up and slamming the ground right next to the lava pool, causing some of the molten rock to be disturbed upwards. While that was happening, a sudden jet stream of compressed water came blasting out of his mouth, disrupting the lava further and cooling it down. Hot steam billowed into the air as chunks of solidifying rock started falling on the ground within reach, some not making it and falling back into the lava. But the saveable bits were enough.

“So you can… breathe water.” YS relented. “Actually, not really breathing it. You’re a walking pressurized water gun. Has anyone told you that you’re a lot more dangerous than you look in your normal form? Remind me to never make you pissed off at me directly…”

There wasn’t much else to be said. Beefer couldn’t talk in a way YS could understand in this form, so he was talking to a brick wall on a technicality. That was fine, though, both of them weren’t in their right minds at this point. YS had seen before how vicious Beefer could get when butting heads with Boyf in particular. And he knew he wasn’t any better right now. They all had the potential to be rather vicious if given the right circumstances.

Maybe smashing rocks wasn’t such a bad idea right now.

Beefer, of course, was better at it than him. Ancient strength born of a genome mixed with alien and reptile, the idiot was destroying the rocks he’d created like he was slicing through a stick of butter. There were smaller ones that YS could get to crumble in his grip if he tried hard enough. Man, letting his body atrophy for as long as he’d been, it was starting to show now. It wasn’t like he was able to crush rocks as fast as Beefer could before, but if he’d been taking better care of himself then it probably would’ve taken less effort than he needed now.

God, what was he even doing? Right back to the same old habits.

There were bits and shards left all around now. YS wasn’t sure how long they’d stood here just destroying for the sake of it, but time had passed at least. Pieces left thrown about everywhere. It was still boiling hot, but YS didn’t care, and it didn’t look like Beefer cared much either. Nothing but the sounds of lava bubbling around them, and their own heavy breathing.

Beefer eventually laid down. Using his tail to brush away as many shards as he could before curling up, red eyes watching YS carefully. The angel decided to follow his lead, lying down on the ground next to him.

Lying down next to literal pools of lava. What the hell was even going on anymore really?

“...We’re still angry.” Beefer said after a flash of light, and he was back to his humanoid self again. “Brought us here to let off some steam but there’s still so much left of it. We’re still angry.”

“...Yeah.” YS agreed after a moment. “You should be proud of at least trying. I would’ve just left myself to rot.”

“Too bad we almost had it, huh?”

YS frowned. Yeah, okay. He was angry, and in a bad mood, and he didn’t see himself getting out of it all that much anytime soon. But he was still himself. Still a guardian angel and Beefer was still one of his people. He could still see reason if it wasn’t something he had to apply to himself for the moment.

“You figured out how to switch into your battle form.” YS said instead, changing the subject. “You said you wanted to save showing me that for a better time. I’m sorry you couldn’t be as excited about it as you deserved to be. It’s very cool, by the way. Hey. I’m proud of you for figuring it out. Doing something that makes you excited despite your situation. That’s good.”

Beefer shrugged. “Cherry had to teach me. She taught Pico and I at the same time. It wasn’t… good the first time. That whole water gun thing, it’s not just water, it’s scalding water. Definitely would hurt if burns were something Dinaurians couldn’t just walk off immediately I guess. I didn’t want to practice that attack on Cherry because she’s tied to the fire element. Water element attacks hurt more for her.”

I thought Dinaurians were able to walk off attacks like nothing? Or is it different in the heat of battle? YS wondered, chest tightening painfully at the thought of Beefer not being as safe as he claimed to be. Being able to heal off anything was great but that didn’t mean the pain wouldn’t be there. He’d prefer Beefer didn’t get hurt to begin with.

“So Pico, fucking, volunteered instead. He’s tied to the air element. His attacks would hurt me more and my attacks would hurt him less. He wasn’t practicing on me, before you get even more mad. Just me on him, he said, because of the elemental matchups or whatever. It should’ve been fine. But I didn’t know what that attack was going to be like until I did it. Scalding hot water, that would burn anyone. I burned Pico, I think. I hurt him. He can heal it off, who cares, well, I do. I burned him. He was dying of burns caused by a Dinaurian. That’s why he is what he is now. And I fucking did it to him again.” Beefer spat.

Oh. Oh dear. YS grimaced. Yeah, explained like that, holy shit that was terrible. “Hey, you didn’t mean to though. Surely that has to account for something?”

“Jackshit in my opinion.” Beefer growled, folding his arms. “I’m so angry. And I’m even angrier that I had a thought for a second to be mad at him for volunteering in the first place. We keep doing this shit. I guess an outsider would call us even, he hurt me, I repaid it. I didn’t fucking want to.”

YS sighed, turning on his side so he could look at his brother better. “It’s easy to do things that you think are fine and then accidentally end up hurting someone else anyway. At least you feel bad about it. There’s too many people out there that wouldn’t care about that. You’re also lucky that both of you are now things that can heal off horrible wounds like that. It might not get rid of the emotional damage but it’s better than nothing. And you can still make up for it.”

“We still haven't talked yet.” Beefer admitted with a huff. “Could fix it, or try. But we haven’t had time. There’s gotta be people looking for us. Some of them aren’t even being subtle. Reports of unhidden Dinaurians going around asking about us. The human versions of us though. No one knows we’re… different. Cherry has to use the cloaking device almost all the time now. I hate that.”

YS looked at him for a moment. “You’re also angry that you have a place to escape to and they don’t. You have a place that you know you’re safe but they can’t benefit from that. You know that has nothing to do with you, right? Not at all your fault?”

“Still feel responsible for it.” Beefer sighed. “Like how you feel responsible for basically everything. How angry you get when things don’t go perfect right away, every time. Anger over any of us having to feel anything that isn’t a positive emotion. Anger that you can’t always save us from our situations. You can hide that from everyone else but not me. Sometimes knowing that makes it worse. Because why would I ever want you to feel like that?”

“I don’t… think I can really stop feeling like that for things.” YS treaded carefully, “But I know now it’s affecting you. So I can do better at keeping it at a level that isn’t so terrible, I think.”

“I would prefer that you try to learn that you don’t need to think like that at all.” Beefer countered. “But I know you can’t promise that. No one should promise such large change right then and there because old habits are hard to get out of. But you can at least promise to start trying. Because that’s something small you can do and it will be easy to see for me.”

“I…” YS hesitated. “Okay. You promise, then, too. You’ve got a lot of anger as well. You’re putting a lot of blame on yourself for things that were at worst just being careless. You didn’t intend for things to end up this way. You didn’t intend to burn your Pico. You didn’t intend for your friends to fall apart around you. So promise too. That you will try to learn it’s not your fault either.”

Beefer let out an empty laugh. “Yeah, alright man. Sure. We can play this game.”

“...Things probably aren’t going to start getting better today.” YS sighed in response.

“Too bad, we almost had it.” Beefer repeated knowingly.

“We almost had it.” YS agreed. “There’s always tomorrow. And the day after that. Always more time to be able to actually have it. Guess we just have to try to move forward for that, huh?”

The Dinaurian nodded. “Yeah.” He replied quietly.

“Just gotta try to move forward.”

[theoxenfree]

final verdict of mouthwashing:

YO, MAN. WHAT THE FUCK

total gameplay time: steam is clocking me at 3.5hrs; realistically, most players will probs finish in under 2.5hrs.

overall rating: 4.2/5

gore rating: 4.5/5

fucked up rating: 4.7/5

LITERALLY BIGGEST SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT + other notes.

if you just want to know: would I recommend you spend the money to play this? yes, but, you've gotta be able to handle some pretty immense gore.

realistically, this game is extremely linear and from what I've looked up after finishing, there is only one actual ending to the game. you aren't really given much choice in the things you do, but to be fair, some of the stuff that looked like you may have been able to do (e.g. feed curly isopropyl alcohol vs the painkillers(, I didn't venture with.

steam clocked me at 3.5hrs for the playthrough, but without my additional time to wander around, trying to interact with everything possible + some of the gameplay being fucking annoying (e.g. cargo haul and graveyard) I'd say the realistic play time is closer to 2-2.5hrs total.

there really aren't any options for things. the devs had a script and a plot in mind and went full throttle with it. in this case, I really appreciated it, bc this is the sort of story that can easily overwhelm players they'd been loaded up with different endings and choices.

because the game was made using unity, the gameplay was mostly smooth throughout, despite the N64/PS1 graphics lmao. the main map of the game is pretty straightforward, you don't really need to memorize it bc it's basically a circuit.

there were a couple of maps in the game that were frustrating bc, like, solutions and moving forward with the storyline weren't immediately doable. but, even those didn't hold me up too long.

they were annoying enough to take a cut into the overall rating tho. they interrupted the immersion of the story.

I like the dimension that the devs gave the characters, particularly anya and swansea. daisuke had some background and motivations throughout the story, but I feel like he was made for you to feel sorry for by the end.

swansea is fascinating bc he's deemed the central antagonist of the game (wrong, but also not wrong). verbally abusive. former alcoholic. mean, ugly guy who you receive more clarity on as the game progresses. I won't say he is "redeemed" by the end, as I think he stays thoroughly unlikeable, but, y'know, at least he's honest until the end with some smidge of kindness to him.

anya is a... tragic character and part of me feels deeply for her story, but I'm also partly miffed by it. there are some nasty implications throughout the game, so player beware.

but, christ, even how the game ended with him was unkind and just straight up evil.

curly, MY MAN, I cannot be normal about him bc the way he suffered throughout the game was absolutely obscene—in the worst way possible. like, I kept hoping he was going to receive mercy at some point before the end and then the rest of the game was just jimmy's fucking delusions

also tho, real talk, fuck curly for not manning up and beating the shit out of jimmy after he learned what happened to anya. literally homeboy is perpetuating stupid "don't sell out your bros" shit bc he and jimmy were friends

jimmy can rot in hell, I have thoughts on this motherfucker and his character. so, if you want to know, feel free to ask, but just know

what an absolute fucking bastard 💀

one thing I'm sort of back and forth on with the game was its use of time skips—both forward and back. I'm not overly fond of those in games or writing, but they were able to keep it clean enough that I wasn't confused about the timeline of events, which was quite nice.

this game excelled primarily at gore and atmosphere. there are a couple of scenes that I'd describe as "chases" and a few "jump" moments, but it isn't a traditional horror game in which you're running from Big Bad. it depends heavily upon atmosphere and claustrophobia and just that foreboding sense of doom that gets you from the first minutes in.

the gore is nothing to laugh at.

it is disgusting and distressing and merciless. and take my word for it, as someone who is highly desensitized to this sort of stuff, it's intense. and if you can't handle that, it's gonna be a rough ride for you.