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qqueenofhades · 3 years ago

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The Green Knight and Medieval Metatextuality: An Essay

Right, so. Finally watched it last night, and I’ve been thinking about it literally ever since, except for the part where I was asleep. As I said to fellow medievalist and admirer of Dev Patel @oldshrewsburyian, it’s possibly the most fascinating piece of medieval-inspired media that I’ve seen in ages, and how refreshing to have something in this genre that actually rewards critical thought and deep analysis, rather than me just fulminating fruitlessly about how popular media thinks that slapping blood, filth, and misogyny onto some swords and castles is “historically accurate.” I read a review of TGK somewhere that described it as the anti-Game of Thrones, and I’m inclined to think that’s accurate. I didn’t agree with all of the film’s tonal, thematic, or interpretative choices, but I found them consistently stylish, compelling, and subversive in ways both small and large, and I’m gonna have to write about it or I’ll go crazy. So. Brace yourselves.

(Note: My PhD is in medieval history, not medieval literature, and I haven’t worked on SGGK specifically, but I am familiar with it, its general cultural context, and the historical influences, images, and debates that both the poem and the film referenced and drew upon, so that’s where this meta is coming from.)

First, obviously, while the film is not a straight-up text-to-screen version of the poem (though it is by and large relatively faithful), it is a multi-layered meta-text that comments on the original Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, the archetypes of chivalric literature as a whole, modern expectations for medieval films, the hero’s journey, the requirements of being an “honorable knight,” and the nature of death, fate, magic, and religion, just to name a few. Given that the Arthurian legendarium, otherwise known as the Matter of Britain, was written and rewritten over several centuries by countless authors, drawing on and changing and hybridizing interpretations that sometimes challenged or outright contradicted earlier versions, it makes sense for the film to chart its own path and make its own adaptational decisions as part of this multivalent, multivocal literary canon. Sir Gawain himself is a canonically and textually inconsistent figure; in the movie, the characters merrily pronounce his name in several different ways, most notably as Sean Harris/King Arthur’s somewhat inexplicable “Garr-win.” He might be a man without a consistent identity, but that’s pointed out within the film itself. What has he done to define himself, aside from being the king’s nephew? Is his quixotic quest for the Green Knight actually going to resolve the question of his identity and his honor – and if so, is it even going to matter, given that successful completion of the “game” seemingly equates with death?

Likewise, as the anti-Game of Thrones, the film is deliberately and sometimes maddeningly non-commercial. For an adaptation coming from a studio known primarily for horror, it almost completely eschews the cliché that gory bloodshed equals authentic medievalism; the only graphic scene is the Green Knight’s original beheading. The violence is only hinted at, subtextual, suspenseful; it is kept out of sight, around the corner, never entirely played out or resolved. In other words, if anyone came in thinking that they were going to watch Dev Patel luridly swashbuckle his way through some CGI monsters like bad Beowulf adaptations of yore, they were swiftly disappointed. In fact, he seems to spend most of his time being wet, sad, and failing to meet the moment at hand (with a few important exceptions).

The film unhurriedly evokes a medieval setting that is both surreal and defiantly non-historical. We travel (in roughly chronological order) from Anglo-Saxon huts to Romanesque halls to high-Gothic cathedrals to Tudor villages and half-timbered houses, culminating in the eerie neo-Renaissance splendor of the Lord and Lady’s hall, before returning to the ancient trees of the Green Chapel and its immortal occupant: everything that has come before has now returned to dust. We have been removed even from imagined time and place and into a moment where it ceases to function altogether. We move forward, backward, and sideways, as Gawain experiences past, present, and future in unison. He is dislocated from his own sense of himself, just as we, the viewers, are dislocated from our sense of what is the “true” reality or filmic narrative; what we think is real turns out not to be the case at all. If, of course, such a thing even exists at all.

This visual evocation of the entire medieval era also creates a setting that, unlike GOT, takes pride in rejecting absolutely all political context or Machiavellian maneuvering. The film acknowledges its own cultural ubiquity and the question of whether we really need yet another King Arthur adaptation: none of the characters aside from Gawain himself are credited by name. We all know it’s Arthur, but he’s listed only as “king.” We know the spooky druid-like old man with the white beard is Merlin, but it’s never required to spell it out. The film gestures at our pre-existing understanding; it relies on us to fill in the gaps, cuing us to collaboratively produce the story with it, positioning us as listeners as if we were gathered to hear the original poem. Just like fanfiction, it knows that it doesn’t need to waste time introducing every single character or filling in ultimately unnecessary background knowledge, when the audience can be relied upon to bring their own.

As for that, the film explicitly frames itself as a “filmed adaptation of the chivalric romance” in its opening credits, and continues to play with textual referents and cues throughout: telling us where we are, what’s happening, or what’s coming next, rather like the rubrics or headings within a medieval manuscript. As noted, its historical/architectural references span the entire medieval European world, as does its costume design. I was particularly struck by the fact that Arthur and Guinevere’s crowns resemble those from illuminated monastic manuscripts or Eastern Orthodox iconography: they are both crown and halo, they confer an air of both secular kingship and religious sanctity. The question in the film’s imagined epilogue thus becomes one familiar to Shakespeare’s Henry V: heavy is the head that wears the crown. Does Gawain want to earn his uncle’s crown, take over his place as king, bear the fate of Camelot, become a great ruler, a husband and father in ways that even Arthur never did, only to see it all brought to dust by his cowardice, his reliance on unscrupulous sorcery, and his unfulfilled promise to the Green Knight? Is it better to have that entire life and then lose it, or to make the right choice now, even if it means death?

Likewise, Arthur’s kingly mantle is Byzantine in inspiration, as is the icon of the Virgin Mary-as-Theotokos painted on Gawain’s shield (which we see broken apart during the attack by the scavengers). The film only glances at its religious themes rather than harping on them explicitly; we do have the cliché scene of the male churchmen praying for Gawain’s safety, opposite Gawain’s mother and her female attendants working witchcraft to protect him. (When oh when will I get my film that treats medieval magic and medieval religion as the complementary and co-existing epistemological systems that they were, rather than portraying them as diametrically binary and disparagingly gendered opposites?) But despite the interim setbacks borne from the failure of Christian icons, the overall resolution of the film could serve as the culmination of a medieval Christian morality tale: Gawain can buy himself a great future in the short term if he relies on the protection of the enchanted green belt to avoid the Green Knight’s killing stroke, but then he will have to watch it all crumble until he is sitting alone in his own hall, his children dead and his kingdom destroyed, as a headless corpse who only now has been brave enough to accept his proper fate. By removing the belt from his person in the film’s Inception-like final scene, he relinquishes the taint of black magic and regains his religious honor, even at the likely cost of death. That, the medieval Christian morality tale would agree, is the correct course of action.

Gawain’s encounter with St. Winifred likewise presents a more subtle vision of medieval Christianity. Winifred was an eighth-century Welsh saint known for being beheaded, after which (by the power of another saint) her head was miraculously restored to her body and she went on to live a long and holy life. It doesn’t quite work that way in TGK. (St Winifred’s Well is mentioned in the original SGGK, but as far as I recall, Gawain doesn’t meet the saint in person.) In the film, Gawain encounters Winifred’s lifelike apparition, who begs him to dive into the mere and retrieve her head (despite appearances, she warns him, it is not attached to her body). This fits into the pattern of medieval ghost stories, where the dead often return to entreat the living to help them finish their business; they must be heeded, but when they are encountered in places they shouldn’t be, they must be put back into their proper physical space and reminded of their real fate. Gawain doesn’t follow William of Newburgh’s practical recommendation to just fetch some brawny young men with shovels to beat the wandering corpse back into its grave. Instead, in one of his few moments of unqualified heroism, he dives into the dark water and retrieves Winifred’s skull from the bottom of the lake. Then when he returns to the house, he finds the rest of her skeleton lying in the bed where he was earlier sleeping, and carefully reunites the skull with its body, finally allowing it to rest in peace.

However, Gawain’s involvement with Winifred doesn’t end there. The fox that he sees on the bank after emerging with her skull, who then accompanies him for the rest of the film, is strongly implied to be her spirit, or at least a companion that she has sent for him. Gawain has handled a saint’s holy bones; her relics, which were well known to grant protection in the medieval world. He has done the saint a service, and in return, she extends her favor to him. At the end of the film, the fox finally speaks in a human voice, warning him not to proceed to the fateful final encounter with the Green Knight; it will mean his death. The symbolism of having a beheaded saint serve as Gawain’s guide and protector is obvious, since it is the fate that may or may not lie in store for him. As I said, the ending is Inception-like in that it steadfastly refuses to tell you if the hero is alive (or will live) or dead (or will die). In the original SGGK, of course, the Green Knight and the Lord turn out to be the same person, Gawain survives, it was all just a test of chivalric will and honor, and a trap put together by Morgan Le Fay in an attempt to frighten Guinevere. It’s essentially able to be laughed off: a game, an adventure, not real. TGK takes this paradigm and flips it (to speak…) on its head.

Gawain’s rescue of Winifred’s head also rewards him in more immediate terms: his/the Green Knight’s axe, stolen by the scavengers, is miraculously restored to him in her cottage, immediately and concretely demonstrating the virtue of his actions. This is one of the points where the film most stubbornly resists modern storytelling conventions: it simply refuses to add in any kind of “rational” or “empirical�� explanation of how else it got there, aside from the grace and intercession of the saint. This is indeed how it works in medieval hagiography: things simply reappear, are returned, reattached, repaired, made whole again, and Gawain’s lost weapon is thus restored, symbolizing that he has passed the test and is worthy to continue with the quest. The film’s narrative is not modernizing its underlying medieval logic here, and it doesn’t particularly care if a modern audience finds it “convincing” or not. As noted, the film never makes any attempt to temporalize or localize itself; it exists in a determinedly surrealist and ahistorical landscape, where naked female giants who look suspiciously like Tilda Swinton roam across the wild with no necessary explanation. While this might be frustrating for some people, I actually found it a huge relief that a clearly fantastic and fictional literary adaptation was not acting like it was qualified to teach “real history” to its audience. Nobody would come out of TGK thinking that they had seen the “actual” medieval world, and since we have enough of a problem with that sort of thing thanks to GOT, I for one welcome the creation of a medieval imaginative space that embraces its eccentric and unrealistic elements, rather than trying to fit them into the Real Life box.

This plays into the fact that the film, like a reused medieval manuscript containing more than one text, is a palimpsest: for one, it audaciously rewrites the entire Arthurian canon in the wordless vision of Gawain’s life after escaping the Green Knight (I could write another meta on that dream-epilogue alone). It moves fluidly through time and creates alternate universes in at least two major points: one, the scene where Gawain is tied up and abandoned by the scavengers and that long circling shot reveals his skeletal corpse rotting on the sward, only to return to our original universe as Gawain decides that he doesn’t want that fate, and two, Gawain as King. In this alternate ending, Arthur doesn’t die in battle with Mordred, but peaceably in bed, having anointed his worthy nephew as his heir. Gawain becomes king, has children, gets married, governs Camelot, becomes a ruler surpassing even Arthur, but then watches his son get killed in battle, his subjects turn on him, and his family vanish into the dust of his broken hall before he himself, in despair, pulls the enchanted scarf out of his clothing and succumbs to his fate.

In this version, Gawain takes on the responsibility for the fall of Camelot, not Arthur. This is the hero’s burden, but he’s obtained it dishonorably, by cheating. It is a vivid but mimetic future which Gawain (to all appearances) ultimately rejects, returning the film to the realm of traditional Arthurian canon – but not quite. After all, if Gawain does get beheaded after that final fade to black, it would represent a significant alteration from the poem and the character’s usual arc. Are we back in traditional canon or aren’t we? Did Gawain reject that future or didn’t he? Do all these alterities still exist within the visual medium of the meta-text, and have any of them been definitely foreclosed?

Furthermore, the film interrogates itself and its own tropes in explicit and overt ways. In Gawain’s conversation with the Lord, the Lord poses the question that many members of the audience might have: is Gawain going to carry out this potentially pointless and suicidal quest and then be an honorable hero, just like that? What is he actually getting by staggering through assorted Irish bogs and seeming to reject, rather than embrace, the paradigms of a proper quest and that of an honorable knight? He lies about being a knight to the scavengers, clearly out of fear, and ends up cravenly bound and robbed rather than fighting back. He denies knowing anything about love to the Lady (played by Alicia Vikander, who also plays his lover at the start of the film with a decidedly ropey Yorkshire accent, sorry to say). He seems to shrink from the responsibility thrust on him, rather than rise to meet it (his only honorable act, retrieving Winifred’s head, is discussed above) and yet here he still is, plugging away. Why is he doing this? What does he really stand to gain, other than accepting a choice and its consequences (somewhat?) The film raises these questions, but it has no plans to answer them. It’s going to leave you to think about them for yourself, and it isn’t going to spoon-feed you any ultimate moral or neat resolution. In this interchange, it’s easy to see both the echoes of a formal dialogue between two speakers (a favored medieval didactic tactic) and the broader purpose of chivalric literature: to interrogate what it actually means to be a knight, how personal honor is generated, acquired, and increased, and whether engaging in these pointless and bloody “war games” is actually any kind of real path to lasting glory.

The film’s treatment of race, gender, and queerness obviously also merits comment. By casting Dev Patel, an Indian-born actor, as an Arthurian hero, the film is… actually being quite accurate to the original legends, doubtless much to the disappointment of assorted internet racists. The thirteenth-century Arthurian romance Parzival (Percival) by the German poet Wolfram von Eschenbach notably features the character of Percival’s mixed-race half-brother, Feirefiz, son of their father by his first marriage to a Muslim princess. Feirefiz is just as heroic as Percival (Gawaine, for the record, also plays a major role in the story) and assists in the quest for the Holy Grail, though it takes his conversion to Christianity for him to properly behold it.

By introducing Patel (and Sarita Chowdhury as Morgause) to the visual representation of Arthuriana, the film quietly does away with the “white Middle Ages” cliché that I have complained about ad nauseam; we see background Asian and black members of Camelot, who just exist there without having to conjure up some complicated rationale to explain their presence. The Lady also uses a camera obscura to make Gawain’s portrait. Contrary to those who might howl about anachronism, this technique was known in China as early as the fourth century BCE and the tenth/eleventh century Islamic scholar Ibn al-Haytham was probably the best-known medieval authority to write on it extensively; Latin translations of his work inspired European scientists from Roger Bacon to Leonardo da Vinci. Aside from the symbolism of an upside-down Gawain (and when he sees the portrait again during the ‘fall of Camelot’, it is right-side-up, representing that Gawain himself is in an upside-down world), this presents a subtle challenge to the prevailing Eurocentric imagination of the medieval world, and draws on other global influences.

As for gender, we have briefly touched on it above; in the original SGGK, Gawain’s entire journey is revealed to be just a cruel trick of Morgan Le Fay, simply trying to destabilize Arthur’s court and upset his queen. (Morgan is the old blindfolded woman who appears in the Lord and Lady’s castle and briefly approaches Gawain, but her identity is never explicitly spelled out.) This is, obviously, an implicitly misogynistic setup: an evil woman plays a trick on honorable men for the purpose of upsetting another woman, the honorable men overcome it, the hero survives, and everyone presumably lives happily ever after (at least until Mordred arrives).

Instead, by plunging the outcome into doubt and the hero into a much darker and more fallible moral universe, TGK shifts the blame for Gawain’s adventure and ultimate fate from Morgan to Gawain himself. Likewise, Guinevere is not the passive recipient of an evil deception but in a way, the catalyst for the whole thing. She breaks the seal on the Green Knight’s message with a weighty snap; she becomes the oracle who reads it out, she is alarming rather than alarmed, she disrupts the complacency of the court and silently shows up all the other knights who refuse to step forward and answer the Green Knight’s challenge. Gawain is not given the ontological reassurance that it’s just a practical joke and he’s going to be fine (and thanks to the unresolved ending, neither are we). The film instead takes the concept at face value in order to push the envelope and ask the simple question: if a man was going to be actually-for-real beheaded in a year, why would he set out on a suicidal quest? Would you, in Gawain’s place, make the same decision to cast aside the enchanted belt and accept your fate? Has he made his name, will he be remembered well? What is his legacy?

Indeed, if there is any hint of feminine connivance and manipulation, it arrives in the form of the implication that Gawain’s mother has deliberately summoned the Green Knight to test her son, prove his worth, and position him as his childless uncle’s heir; she gives him the protective belt to make sure he won’t actually die, and her intention all along was for the future shown in the epilogue to truly play out (minus the collapse of Camelot). Only Gawain loses the belt thanks to his cowardice in the encounter with the scavengers, regains it in a somewhat underhanded and morally questionable way when the Lady is attempting to seduce him, and by ultimately rejecting it altogether and submitting to his uncertain fate, totally mucks up his mother’s painstaking dynastic plans for his future. In this reading, Gawain could be king, and his mother’s efforts are meant to achieve that goal, rather than thwart it. He is thus required to shoulder his own responsibility for this outcome, rather than conveniently pawning it off on an “evil woman,” and by extension, the film asks the question: What would the world be like if men, especially those who make war on others as a way of life, were actually forced to face the consequences of their reckless and violent actions? Is it actually a “game” in any sense of the word, especially when chivalric literature is constantly preoccupied with the question of how much glorious violence is too much glorious violence? If you structure social prestige for the king and the noble male elite entirely around winning battles and existing in a state of perpetual war, when does that begin to backfire and devour the knightly class – and the rest of society – instead?

This leads into the central theme of Gawain’s relationships with the Lord and Lady, and how they’re treated in the film. The poem has been repeatedly studied in terms of its latent (and sometimes… less than latent) queer subtext: when the Lord asks Gawain to pay back to him whatever he should receive from his wife, does he already know what this involves; i.e. a physical and romantic encounter? When the Lady gives kisses to Gawain, which he is then obliged to return to the Lord as a condition of the agreement, is this all part of a dastardly plot to seduce him into a kinky green-themed threesome with a probably-not-human married couple looking to spice up their sex life? Why do we read the Lady’s kisses to Gawain as romantic but Gawain’s kisses to the Lord as filial, fraternal, or the standard “kiss of peace” exchanged between a liege lord and his vassal? Is Gawain simply being a dutiful guest by honoring the bargain with his host, actually just kissing the Lady again via the proxy of her husband, or somewhat more into this whole thing with the Lord than he (or the poet) would like to admit? Is the homosocial turning homoerotic, and how is Gawain going to navigate this tension and temptation?

If the question is never resolved: well, welcome to one of the central medieval anxieties about chivalry, knighthood, and male bonds! As I have written about before, medieval society needed to simultaneously exalt this as the most honored and noble form of love, and make sure it didn’t accidentally turn sexual (once again: how much male love is too much male love?). Does the poem raise the possibility of serious disruption to the dominant heteronormative paradigm, only to solve the problem by interpreting the Gawain/Lady male/female kisses as romantic and sexual and the Gawain/Lord male/male kisses as chaste and formal? In other words, acknowledging the underlying anxiety of possible homoeroticism but ultimately reasserting the heterosexual norm? The answer: Probably?!?! Maybe?!?! Hell if we know??! To say the least, this has been argued over to no end, and if you locked a lot of medieval history/literature scholars into a room and told them that they couldn’t come out until they decided on one clear answer, they would be in there for a very long time. The poem seemingly invokes the possibility of a queer reading only to reject it – but once again, as in the question of which canon we end up in at the film’s end, does it?

In some lights, the film’s treatment of this potential queer reading comes off like a cop-out: there is only one kiss between Gawain and the Lord, and it is something that the Lord has to initiate after Gawain has already fled the hall. Gawain himself appears to reject it; he tells the Lord to let go of him and runs off into the wilderness, rather than deal with or accept whatever has been suggested to him. However, this fits with film!Gawain’s pattern of rejecting that which fundamentally makes him who he is; like Peter in the Bible, he has now denied the truth three times. With the scavengers he denies being a knight; with the Lady he denies knowing about courtly love; with the Lord he denies the central bond of brotherhood with his fellows, whether homosocial or homoerotic in nature. I would go so far as to argue that if Gawain does die at the end of the film, it is this rejected kiss which truly seals his fate. In the poem, the Lord and the Green Knight are revealed to be the same person; in the film, it’s not clear if that’s the case, or they are separate characters, even if thematically interrelated. If we assume, however, that the Lord is in fact still the human form of the Green Knight, then Gawain has rejected both his kiss of peace (the standard gesture of protection offered from lord to vassal) and any deeper emotional bond that it can be read to signify. The Green Knight could decide to spare Gawain in recognition of the courage he has shown in relinquishing the enchanted belt – or he could just as easily decide to kill him, which he is legally free to do since Gawain has symbolically rejected the offer of brotherhood, vassalage, or knight-bonding by his unwise denial of the Lord’s freely given kiss. Once again, the film raises the overall thematic and moral question and then doesn’t give one straight (ahem) answer. As with the medieval anxieties and chivalric texts that it is based on, it invokes the specter of queerness and then doesn’t neatly resolve it. As a modern audience, we find this unsatisfying, but once again, the film is refusing to conform to our expectations.

As has been said before, there is so much kissing between men in medieval contexts, both ceremonial and otherwise, that we’re left to wonder: “is it gay or is it feudalism?” Is there an overtly erotic element in Gawain and the Green Knight’s mutual “beheading” of each other (especially since in the original version, this frees the Lord from his curse, functioning like a true love’s kiss in a fairytale). While it is certainly possible to argue that the film has “straightwashed” its subject material by removing the entire sequence of kisses between Gawain and the Lord and the unresolved motives for their existence, it is a fairly accurate, if condensed, representation of the anxieties around medieval knightly bonds and whether, as Carolyn Dinshaw put it, a (male/male) “kiss is just a kiss.” After all, the kiss between Gawain and the Lady is uncomplicatedly read as sexual/romantic, and that context doesn’t go away when Gawain is kissing the Lord instead. Just as with its multiple futurities, the film leaves the question open-ended. Is it that third and final denial that seals Gawain’s fate, and if so, is it asking us to reflect on why, specifically, he does so?

The film could play with both this question and its overall tone quite a bit more: it sometimes comes off as a grim, wooden, over-directed Shakespearean tragedy, rather than incorporating the lively and irreverent tone that the poem often takes. It’s almost totally devoid of humor, which is unfortunate, and the Grim Middle Ages aesthetic is in definite evidence. Nonetheless, because of the comprehensive de-historicizing and the obvious lack of effort to claim the film as any sort of authentic representation of the medieval past, it works. We are not meant to understand this as a historical document, and so we have to treat it on its terms, by its own logic, and by its own frames of reference. In some ways, its consistent opacity and its refusal to abide by modern rules and common narrative conventions is deliberately meant to challenge us: as before, when we recognize Arthur, Merlin, the Round Table, and the other stock characters because we know them already and not because the film tells us so, we have to fill in the gaps ourselves. We are watching the film not because it tells us a simple adventure story – there is, as noted, shockingly little action overall – but because we have to piece together the metatext independently and ponder the philosophical questions that it leaves us with. What conclusion do we reach? What canon do we settle in? What future or resolution is ultimately made real? That, the film says, it can’t decide for us. As ever, it is up to future generations to carry on the story, and decide how, if at all, it is going to survive.

(And to close, I desperately want them to make my much-coveted Bisclavret adaptation now in more or less the same style, albeit with some tweaks. Please.)

Further Reading

Ailes, Marianne J. ‘The Medieval Male Couple and the Language of Homosociality’, in Masculinity in Medieval Europe, ed. by Dawn M. Hadley (Harlow: Longman, 1999), pp. 214–37.

Ashton, Gail. ‘The Perverse Dynamics of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight’, Arthuriana 15 (2005), 51–74.

Boyd, David L. ‘Sodomy, Misogyny, and Displacement: Occluding Queer Desire in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight’, Arthuriana 8 (1998), 77–113.

Busse, Peter. ‘The Poet as Spouse of his Patron: Homoerotic Love in Medieval Welsh and Irish Poetry?’, Studi Celtici 2 (2003), 175–92.

Dinshaw, Carolyn. ‘A Kiss Is Just a Kiss: Heterosexuality and Its Consolations in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight’, Diacritics 24 (1994), 205–226.

Kocher, Suzanne. ‘Gay Knights in Medieval French Fiction: Constructs of Queerness and Non-Transgression’, Mediaevalia 29 (2008), 51–66.

Karras, Ruth Mazo. ‘Knighthood, Compulsory Heterosexuality, and Sodomy’ in The Boswell Thesis: Essays on Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality, ed. Matthew Kuefler (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2006), pp. 273–86.

Kuefler, Matthew. ‘Male Friendship and the Suspicion of Sodomy in Twelfth-Century France’, in The Boswell Thesis: Essays on Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality, ed. Matthew Kuefler (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2006), pp. 179–214.

McVitty, E. Amanda, ‘False Knights and True Men: Contesting Chivalric Masculinity in English Treason Trials, 1388–1415,’ Journal of Medieval History 40 (2014), 458–77.

Mieszkowski, Gretchen. ‘The Prose Lancelot's Galehot, Malory's Lavain, and the Queering of Late Medieval Literature’, Arthuriana 5 (1995), 21–51.

Moss, Rachel E. ‘ “And much more I am soryat for my good knyghts’ ”: Fainting, Homosociality, and Elite Male Culture in Middle English Romance’, Historical Reflections / Réflexions historiques 42 (2016), 101–13.

Zeikowitz, Richard E. ‘Befriending the Medieval Queer: A Pedagogy for Literature Classes’, College English 65 (2002), 67–80.

#the green knight #the green knight meta #sir gawain and the green knight #medieval literature #medieval history #this meta is goddamn 5.2k words #and has its own reading list #i uh #said i had a lot of thoughts?

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thefanficmonster · 3 years ago

Text

Perspective

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Corpse recounts the time he first met his now best friend who too has been gifted with a deep voice.

Requested by two Anons. This fic is a mash up of two very similar requests I got from an unnamed Anon and 🖤🥀 Anon, so a big thank you to the both of you for sending in your requests! I’m really sorry to be posting your requested fic so late but I hope the final product is gonna make the wait you had to endure worth it! If you come across it and read it, I hope you enjoy it! Love, Vy ❤

“Yeah, yeah ok, I know.“ I can’t help but playfully roll my eyes at the comments that are flooding in, “Before any more people address it - even though it’s only been five minutes - I’m gonna address it myself: I apologize for the absence of the guest I promised would accompany me on this stream. She made the choice to party until late - or should I say early - and is currently probably asleep. And...I just don’t have the heart to wake her.“

In all honesty, all the blame should fall on Y/N’s lack of responsibility but I could never say such a thing - she rarely let’s herself loose and allows herself to have fun so there’s no way I’m gonna hold this one instance against her. Quite the contrary actually: I hope she starts going out and having fun more frequently cause really deserves it. She’s a super hardworking girl, studying college and working her ass off simultaneously.

“For those of you who don’t know who I’m referring to: the girl in question is Y/N, aka Jumpscaretastic, a horror games oriented streamer. She was supposed to join me for this freaky journey but...yeah I’ll have to endure it on my own because fuck me.“ I take a look at my chat again, deciding to keep this interaction with my viewers going for a bit longer before I start the game. I may be stalling but you sure as hell won’t hear me admit it. The game may be terrifying as hell - I have no doubt it is - but I doubt it would affect me so much if Y/N was here. My eyebrows furrow automatically at the sight of one specific question that I’ve been getting asked quite a lot recently and I’ve been doing my best to avoid it cause the idea - to me, at least - is so messed up. Why, we’ll get into that later. “No- ok, this is the first and last time I’ll be addressing this wild assumption, you guys, so listen carefully. Y/N and I are by no means related. I’m not related to every deep-voiced person on this planet, just FYI.“ Speaking of Y/N’s deep voice which I’ve gotten so accustomed to hearing, I can’t help but recall the first interaction the two of us had when she got invited by Toast for a game of Among Us with us when Felix canceled on us due to technical difficulties. “I may not be related to her but she really put into perspective how other people feel and react when they hear my voice. I, honestly speaking was astonished by hers.“

A few months ago

“Ok guys, since Felix texted me about an hour ago, saying he won’t be able to make it, I invited a friend of mine so I hope that’s ok with you.“ Toast announces when the majority of us have accumulated in the lobby.

“Yeah, all cool. An introduction to them would be nice though.“ Charlie says, tampering with his avatar’s appearance on the in-game laptop.

“Oh, I’m sure she can do that herself.” He says with a bit of a chuckle, “Y/N?“

“I’m here, I’m here.“

My gaze moves from my chat to the monitor displaying the game in an instant as though it would reveal to me who the owner of this unfamiliar voice that just travelled through my headphones is. You know how my voice is considerably deep, yeah well this girl’s voice is six feet below that. My eyes have widened without me even noticing as I hurry to unmute myself despite being a little late to the reaction party which already consists of a ton of ‘OMG’s and “WHOA”s from the rest of the people in the call. Not one of them, however, considers to question the authenticity of the voice.

“Was that a voice changer or something?“ I say, my eyebrows shooting up when I hear the laugh I receive in response to the question - a sound so deep but simultaneously sweet and girly it messes with my head.

“I wish I kept count so I could tell you which number on the list of people who’ve asked me that you fall under.“ The girl, Y/N replies, “But for the record no, it’s not a voice changer.“

Realizing how hypocritical this question probably seems coming from me, I decide to believe her - probably cause she gets nothing if she lies anyways. “Oh, so this is how it feels hearing my voice for the first time, huh?“ I say, slowly nodding my head, still in slight disbelief.

“Yeah, meeting her was quite rattling - in the best way possible though.“ I say, fixating myself back in reality following the little trip back in time to the day Y/N and I met. “She’s now one of my best friends so that should tell you enough.“

It goes without saying that, since she’s my best friend, I know her quite well. That being said, with the detailed knowledge I have on her, I can guess she’s gonna be in for a massive hangover when she wakes up. I just hope she texts me when she does so I can make sure she’s at least semi-functional. Just then, my phone buzzes with a message. Much to my shock, it’s a message from Y/N. Truth be told, I didn’t expect her to be up for another hour or two or three but here she is, sending a simple text that reads:

“My head’s pounding like a drum mid rock n’ roll concert“

There are no emojis accompanying the message, suggesting she’s deadly serious and in quite a bit of pain. Ok, I won’t sugarcoat it - she’s in a fuck-load of pain right now.

“The Sleeping Beauty has awaken and is complaining about a headache, just in case you were wondering.“ I chuckle seemingly nonchalantly as I silently contemplate whether to text her back or call her instead. Who’s gonna know better than my viewers, after all... “You guys think I should call her? Or would that annoy her?“ I ask, furrowing my brows at the chat as I see different responses coming in.

Meh, fuck it - I think to myself, already taking my phone to call Y/N when the support of my viewers floods in as well.

She picks up after two rings, letting out a sound that sets the tone for the discomfort she’s in.

“Hello to you too.“ I say, putting the call on speaker so my mic can pick up her responses. “Would you please rate the pain you’re in right now on a scale 1-10?“

“A hundred.“ Her strained, raspy and deeper than usual voice comes through, stealing a chuckle from me, “I’m hungover and still a bit drunk. Like, how does that even work?“

“The morning after is a straight-up bitch. Welcome to the world of bad decisions.“ I tell her compassionately, low-key wishing I could go over to her place and provide her with at least a tiny bit of comfort, as much as I can.

“Yeah...“ she sighs halfway dramatically, “Anyhow, we usually text around this time, what’s up with the call?“

“Just wanted to make sure my best-girl wasn’t really dying, you know. Who am I supposed to annoy in Among Us if you’re not there, after all?” I raise my brow and, although she can’t see me, I bet she can probably guess I’m doing that.

“Whatever...“ The same way I can imagine her rolling her eyes while smiling as she said that, “Tell me this, am I wrong or was I supposed to be on your stream today?“

I barely manage to hold in my laughter at the question, “Uh, yeah you were, but...” she doesn’t let me finish my sentence, instead cuts me of:

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, Corpse! I totally forgot. Believe me, if I could roll my ass out of bed I’d hop in but I really can’t. Unless you want me to be a bore for an hour and a half, that is.“

“For starters, you could never be a bore to me.“ I say matter-of-factly, “And for seconds, you’re kinda on the stream anyway...“

“Come again?“ She cuts me off yet again, “You’re calling me mid-stream? If so, hey everyone! Sorry I couldn’t join, I promise to make it up to both you and Corpse soon.“ A yawn comes from her end before she continues, “As of now, I think I’ll go back to sleep.“

“Alright, alright. I’ll call you again later to make sure you’re still alive. Sleep tight.“ I tell her, already hovering my thumb over the ‘Hang up‘ button.

“Won’t let the hangover bite.“ She slurs/murmurs, stealing my opportunity to end the call cause she does it herself.

I stare at my phone for a second, finally becoming aware of the grin that has spread across my face. Eventually, I address my viewers once again, “There you have it, guys. Technically, you can give her a pass for answering the call, especially in her current state, so let’s all agree to not hold this against her, cool?“

A brief look at my chat shows me the ton of fluffy comments that are coming in as a reaction to the interaction Y/N and I just had. One, however, sticks out especially. It reads: ‘You like her or smt?’

“Do I like Y/N?“ I read the comment out loud, a smirk coming across my face, “Of course I do. She’s a darling.“ If I had a webcam on I’d look straight into the lens and wink. That’s probably spark more than enough rumors, but at the very least they wouldn’t be wrong. “I’ve stalled enough, Outlast is waiting.“ I announce, finally starting the game. After all, it cannot be scarier than the conspiracies my fans could come up with. I get it though - from their perspective, we’re already the perfect couple; from my perspective we’re impossible because from Y/N’s perspective we’re best friends.

Ain’t that how it always goes?

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chainofclovers · 3 years ago

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Ted Lasso 2x11 thoughts

For an episode that ends with a journalist Ted trusts but has (understandably) recently lied to warning Ted that he’s publishing an article about his panic attacks, it was fitting that this episode seemed entirely about what all of these characters choose to tell each other. And after most of a season of television that Jason Sudeikis has described as the season in which the characters go into their little caves to deal with things on their own, it turns out they are finally able to tell each other quite a lot.

Which is good because, um, wow, a lot is going to happen in the season finale of this show!

Thoughts on the things people tell each other behind the cut!

Roy and Keeley. I absolutely loved the moment during their photoshoot in which they bring up a lot of complicated emotional things and are clearly gutted (“gutted”? Who am I? A GBBO contestant who forgot to turn the oven on?) by what they’ve heard. We already know that Keeley and Roy are great at the kinds of moments they have before the shoot begins, in which Roy builds Keeley up and tells her she’s fucking amazing. From nearly the beginning of their relationship, they’ve supported each other and been each other’s biggest fans. But their relationship has gone on long enough that they’ve progressed from tentative arguments about space and individual needs into really needing to figure out what they mean to each other and how big their feelings are and what that means in relation to everything else. Watching these two confess about the uncomfortable kiss with Nate, the unexpectedly long conversation with Phoebe’s teacher, and—most painfully—the revelation that Jamie still loves Keeley didn’t feel like watching two people who are about to break up. (Although I could see them potentially needing space from each other to get clarity.) It felt like watching two people realize just how much they’d lose if they lost each other, which is an understandably scary feeling even—or especially—when you’re deeply in love but not entirely sure what the future holds. Not entirely sure what you’re capable of when you’ve never felt serious about someone in quite this way, and are realizing you have to take intentional actions to choose that relationship every single day. I’m excited to learn whether Roy and Keeley decide they need to solidify their relationship more (not necessarily an engagement, but maybe moving in together or making sure they’re both comfortable referring to the other as partner and telling people they’re in a committed relationship) or if things go in a different direction for a while.

Sharon and Ted. I’ve had this feeling of “Wow, Ted is going to feel so intense about how honest he’s been with Sharon and is going to end up getting really attached and transfer a lot of emotions onto the connection they have and that is stressful no matter how beneficial it has been for him to finally get therapy!” for a while now. And Sharon’s departure really brought that out and it was indeed stressful. But the amount of growth that’s happened for both of these characters is really stunningly and beautifully conveyed in this episode. Ted is genuinely angry she left without saying goodbye, and he doesn’t bury it some place deep inside him where it will fester for the next thirty years. He expresses his anger. (I also noticed he sweared—mildly—in front of her again, which is really a big tell for how much he has let his carefully-constructed persona relax around her.) He reads her letter even though he said he wasn’t going to, and he’s moved. I don’t think Ted has the words for his connection to Sharon beyond “we had a breakthrough,” but Sharon gets it, and is able to firmly assert a professional boundary by articulating her side of that breakthrough as an experience that has made her a better therapist. And is still able to offer Ted a different kind of closure by suggesting they go out before her train leaves. No matter how you feel about a patient/football manager seeing their therapist/team psychologist colleague socially, I appreciated this story because IMO it didn’t cross big lines but instead was about one final moment in this arc in which both Ted and Sharon saw each other clearly and modeled what it is to give someone what they need and to expect honesty and communication from them. I liked that Ted ends up being the one saying goodbye. (The mustache in the exclamation points!) I like that whether or not Sharon returns in any capacity (Sarah Niles is so wonderful that I hope she does, but I’m not sure), the goodbye these characters forge for themselves here is neither abandonment nor a new, more complicated invitation. It’s the end of a meaningful era, and although the work of healing is the work of a lifetime, it’s very beautiful to have this milestone.

Ted and Rebecca. So, maybe it’s just me, but it kinda feels like these two have a few li’l life things to catch up on?! (HAHHHHHaSdafgsdasdf!) I really adored their interactions in this episode. I maintain that Biscuits With The Boss has been happening this whole time (even when Ted’s apartment was in shambles, there’s biscuit evidence, and I feel like we’ve been seeing the biscuit boxes in Rebecca’s office pretty regularly too), even if it might have been more of a drive-by biscuit drop-off/feelings avoidance ritual. It was really lovely to see Ted on more even footing in Rebecca’s office, joking around until she tells him to shut up, just like the old days. And GOSH—for their 1x9 interaction in Ted’s office to be paralleled in this episode and for Ted to explicitly make note of the parallel in a way Rebecca hears and sees and understands?! MY HEART. In both of Rebecca’s confessions, she is not bringing good news but it is good and meaningful that she chooses to share with Ted. In both situations, Ted takes the moment in stride and offers acceptance equivalent to the gravity of what she has to confess. And in both situations, he’s not some kind of otherworldly saint, able to accept Rebecca no matter what because he’s unaffected by what she shares. He is affected. When he tells her about Sam, you can see a variety of emotions on his face. Rebecca is upset and Ted is calm, and even if I might have liked for him to try to talk about the risk the affair poses to the power dynamics on the team or any number of factors, I also really liked that he just accepts where she is, and—most importantly—does not offer her advice beyond examining herself and taking her own advice. A massive part of being in a relationship with another person (a close relationship of any nature) is figuring out how to support that person without necessarily having to be happy about every single thing they do. It’s so important that Ted connects what she’s just told him about Sam back to what she told him last season about her plot with the club. These both feel like truth bombs to him, and he is at least safe enough to make that clear. These are both things that impact him, things that shape how he sees her and maybe even how he sees himself. He cares about her and is capable of taking in this information; he has room for it. But it’s not something he takes lightly, and neither does she. See you next year.

Tumblr user chainofclovers and the TV show Ted Lasso. My brain is going wild thinking about all the ways the next “truth bomb” conversation could go in 3x11 or whatever. Maybe they go full consistent parallel and Rebecca confesses something else, this time about her and Ted or some other big future thing that impacts him as much or more as the other confessions have. (The same but different.) Maybe the tables turn and Ted has something to confess to her. While the 1x9 conversation ended in an embrace and the 2x11 conversation ended with a bit more physical distance (understandable given the current state of their relationship and the nature of the discussion), the verbal ending of both conversations involved voices moving into a sexier lower register while zooming in to talk specifically about their connection to each other, so I have to assume there will be some consistencies in s3 even if the circumstances will be completely different. I don’t really know where I’m going with this and I obviously will go insane if I sustain this level of anticipatory energy until Fall 2022 but I have a feeling my brain and heart are going to try!

Sam and Rebecca. I know there’s been a lot of criticism about whether this show is being at all realistic about the power dynamics and inevitable professional issues this relationship would create. On some level, I agree; I like that pretty much everyone who knows about the affair has been kind so far, but you can be kind and still ask someone to contend with reality. But I also think that in nearly every plot point on this show, the narrative is driven by how people feel about their circumstances first and foremost. (It’s why the whiteboard in the coaching office and the football commentators tell us more about how the actual football season is going from a points perspective than anyone else.) This episode reminded me how few people know about Sam and Rebecca, and how much their time together so far has been time spent in bed. The private sphere. I thought this episode really expertly brought the public sphere into it, not—thank goodness—through a humiliating exposure or harsh judgment but through an opportunity for Sam that illustrates not only all his potential to do great things but how much Rebecca’s professional position and personal feelings are in conflict with that. Could stand in the way of that. I don’t have a strong gut feeling about where this will go, but I do think Sam’s face in his final scene of this episode is telling. He started the episode wanting to see Rebecca (his most recent text to her was about wanting to connect), and Edwin’s arrival from Ghana really exploded his sense of what is possible for his life. If he’d arrived home to Rebecca sitting on his stoop prior to meeting Edwin, he’d have been delighted. Now he’s conflicted, and whatever decision he makes, he has to reckon with the reality that he cannot have everything he wants. No matter what. And Rebecca—she has taken Ted’s advice and is attempting to be honest about the fact that she can’t control Sam’s decisions but hopes he doesn’t go, and even saying that much feels so inappropriate. And I’m not sure how much she realizes about the inappropriateness of the position she’s putting him in, although maybe she’s getting there considering she exits the scene very quickly. I’ve honestly loved Rebecca’s arc this season. I think it’s realistic that she got obsessed with the intimacy she thought she could find in her phone. I think it’s realistic that her professional and personal ambitions are inappropriately linked. (They certainly were for Rupert. It’s been years since she’s known anything different; even if she’s done some significant recovery work to move on from her abusive marriage and figure out her own priorities, she’s got a long way to go.) I know there are people who will read this interaction between Rebecca and Sam as a totally un-self-aware thing on the part of “the show” or “the writers” but what I saw is two people who enjoyed being in bed together and now have to deal with the reality that they’re in two different places in their lives and that one has great professional power over the other. If that wasn’t in the show, I wouldn’t be able to see it or feel so strongly about it.

Edwin and Sam. I really enjoyed all the complexities of this interaction. Edwin is promising a future for Sam that doesn’t quite exist yet, though he has the financial means to make it happen. He offers this by constructing for Sam a Nigerian—and Ghanaian—experience unlike anything he’s found in London. Sam is amazed that this experience is here, and Edwin’s response is to explain to him that the experience is not here. Not really. The experience in Africa. Sam has of course connected to the other Nigerian players on the team, but this is something else entirely. I’m really curious if Sam is going to end up feeling that what Edwin has to offer is real or not. That sense of home and connection? So real. And so right that he would want to experience that homecoming and would want to be part of building that experience for others. But at the end of the day, he went to a museum full of actors and a pop-up restaurant full of “friends,” and is that constructed authenticity as a stand-in for a real homecoming more or less real than the home he’s building in Richmond? (With other players who stand in solidarity with him, and with well-meaning white coaches who say dumb stuff sometimes, and an a probably-doomed love interest, and a feeling that he should put chicken instead of goat in the jollof, and the ability to stand out as an incredible player on a rising team.)

Nate and everyone. But also Nate and no one. Nate’s story is so painful and I’m so anxious for next week’s episode. For a long time I’ve felt that a lot of Nate’s loyalties are with Richmond, and a lot of his ambitions are around having given so much to this place without getting a lot back, and having a strong feeling that he’s the answer to Richmond’s future. But now I’m not so sure; his ambitions have transferred into asking everyone he knows (except Ted, of course), if they want to be “the boss.” But Nate is all tactics and no communication. When he wants to suggest a new play to Ted, he hasn’t yet learned to read Ted’s language to learn that Ted is eager to hear what he has to say. And while Ted has been really unfortunately distracted about Nate and dismissive of him this season, he clearly respects Nate’s approach to football and was appreciative of the play. Nate just can’t hear that. The suit is such a great metaphor of all the things Nate is in too much pain to be able to hear clearly. Everyone digs at him for wearing the suit Ted bought him (including Will, who’s got to get little cuts in where he can, because he’s got to be sick of the way Nate treats him), but when he gets fed up his solution isn’t to go out on his own and find more clothes he likes; he asks Keeley to help him. And then crosses a major line with her...and no matter how kind she was about it, she was clearly not okay. Everything is going to blow up, and I’m so curious as to whether Nate will end up aligning himself with Rupert in some way or if he’s going to end up screwed over by Rupert and in turn try to screw over his colleagues even worse than he’s already done. Or try desperately to make amends even though it could be too late for some. Either way, I’m fully prepared to feel devastated. (And there’s no way I’m giving up on this character. If he’s able to learn, I truly believe he could end up seeking forgiveness and forging a happier existence for himself. Someday. Like in season 3 or something.)

Ted and Trent. Trent deciding to reveal his source to Ted is a huge deal, and I’m torn between so many emotions about this exposé. I’m glad it’s a Trent Crimm piece and not an Ernie Loundes piece. I’m glad that Trent made the decision to warn Ted and let him know that Nate is his source. I fear—but also hope—that this exposure will set off a chain reaction of Ted learning about some of the things he’s missed while suffering through a really bad bout with his dad-grief and panic disorder. The things Ted doesn’t know would devastate him. I wonder if Ted will want to figure out a way to make Nate feel heard and reconcile with him, and I wonder how that will be complicated if/when he realizes Nate has severely bullied Will, gets more details on how he mistreated Colin, etc. I wonder if Rebecca, whom Nate called a “shrew” right before she announced his promotion, will be in the position of having to ask Ted to fire him, or overriding Ted and doing it herself. So many questions! I have a feeling it’ll go in some wild yet very human-scaled, emotionally-nuanced direction, and I’ll be like “Oh my GOD!” but also like “Oh, of course.”

This VERY SERIOUS AND EMOTIONAL REVIEW has a major flaw, which is that none of the above conversations include mention of the absolute love letter to N*SYNC. Ted passionately explains how things should go while dancing ridiculously! Will turns on the music and starts gyrating! Roy nods supportively! Beard shouts the choreography like the Broadway choreographer of teaching grown men who play football how to dance like a boy band. Everyone is so incredibly proud when they nail it. I love them.

I cannot believe next week is the end. For now. I’m kind of looking forward to letting everything settle during the hiatus, but I’ve really loved the ride.

#ted lasso #ted lasso s2 spoilers #ted lasso 2x11 #meta by me #ALL THE FEELINGS!!!!#a lesbian watches ted lasso

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itsclydebitches · 3 years ago

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The Bad Batch: A Crosshair Analysis

Hello, Star Wars fandom! I have just completed watching—and loving—The Bad Batch, which you know means I now need to dump all my thoughts about the first season into the tumblr void. Specifically, thoughts on the complicated drama that is Crosshair. I have no doubt that the majority of what I’m about to say will be old news to anyone who watched the show when it came out (I’m slow...), but I’m writing it all out anyway. Largely for my own sanity enjoyment :D

I want to preface all of this by saying that the above is not an exaggeration. I love the show and I love the entire cast. My enjoyment in each of the characters is directly connected to my enjoyment of the season as a whole, which I say because I’m about to get pretty critical towards some of the characters’ choices and, to a lesser extent, the writing choices that surround those. Does this mean I secretly hate The Bad Batch? Quite the opposite. I’m invested, which is presumably just what Filoni wants. I’m just hoping that investment pays off.

But enough of the disclaimers. Let’s start with the matter of the inhibitor chip. I’ve seen fans take some pretty hard stances on both sides: Crosshair is completely innocent because he’s definitely been under the chip’s control this whole time, no matter what he might say. Crosshair is completely guilty because he said the chip was removed a long time ago and he chose to do all this, no moral wiggle room allowed. However, the reality is that we don’t know enough to make a clear call either way. The audience, simply put, does not have all the necessary information. What we have instead is a couple of facts combined with claims that may or may not be reliable. Let’s lay them out:

Crosshair was definitely under the chip’s control at the start of the series.

He was able to resist it to a certain extent, resulting in a pressure to obey orders coupled with a primary loyalty to his squad. See: telling Hunter to follow the Empire’s commands—which includes killing kid Padawans—but not turning his team in as traitors when they did not. It’s an in-between space.

Crosshair’s chip was then amplified to an unknown extent. I’m never going to claim I’m a Star Wars aficionado—I’m a casual fan, friends. Please don’t yell at me over obscure lore lol—but within TBB’s canon, no one else is undergoing that experimentation. The effects of this are entirely unknown, which includes Crosshair’s free will, or lack thereof.

Crosshair then becomes a clear tool of the Empire, hunting down innocents, killing on a whim, the whole, evil shebang.

In “Reunion” he’s caught by the engine and suffers severe burns to his face. One leaves a scar that covers precisely the place where the chip would have been extracted.

Removing the chip leaves its own scar behind. If Crosshair’s was removed, we can’t see that scar due to the burn.

After these events Crosshair seems to mellow a bit. He does horrible things under the Empire’s orders—like shooting the senator—but is still loyal to his squad—killing his non-clone teammates to give TBB a chance, saving AZ and Omega, etc.

Crosshair claims that his chip has already been removed. However, Crosshair is arguably an unreliable source if he’s been lied to or if the chip is still there, encouraging him to manipulate the team.

Crosshair claims it was removed a long time ago, which is incredibly imprecise. As we can see from just some of the events listed above, precisely when the chip came out—if it came out—makes a huge difference.

Hunter realizes this and presses for clarification, but Crosshair dodges giving it. Again, a legitimate belief that it doesn’t matter, or evidence that he can’t say because something else is going on? We don’t know.

Hunter checks Crosshair’s head and finds the burn scar which proves… nothing. As stated above, they wouldn’t be able to see the surgery scar one way or another: its existence or its absence. It’s useless data, as Tech might say. I’ve seen a few fans claim that Hunter was also feeling for the chip with his enhanced senses, but 1. I didn’t catch any evidence of that in the scene and 2. Even if we assume Hunter did that anyway, the chips are notoriously hard to spot. Fives and AZ couldn’t find the chip at first when examining Tup. Ahsoka had to use the force to find it in Rex. TBB themselves couldn’t find it at first in Wrecker. If machinery consistently fails to find the chip on the first couple of tries—it’s meant to be a hidden implant, after all—why would we believe Hunter’s senses could pick it up instantly? Maybe he missed it, or maybe it wasn’t there at all.

Crosshair appears to be struggling with a headache in the finale, just as he was at the beginning of the season and just like Wrecker was for the first half.

The point of listing all this out is to emphasize how ambiguous this whole situation is. I don’t want to use this post to argue one way or another about whether Crosshair’s chip is really out. I have my preferred theory (the chip’s still in, but only partially functional), but at the end of the day none of this is conclusive. The writing takes us in what I hope is deliberate circles. Crosshair says the chip is out? Crosshair is not a reliable source of information until we know if the chip is out. What other evidence is there that the chip is gone? A scar? We can’t see if there’s a scar. Hunter’s abilities? He only checked once for a canonically hard to find implant—if he actually checked at all. And why would the Empire want the chip out? Well, maybe it has to do with that push towards willing soldiers, but if that were the case, why leave Crosshair behind and have the “clones die together”? By that point he was one of the most willing, chip or not. Did they have to take it out because of the engine accident? Pure speculation. We just don’t know and THAT is the point I want to make.

Because it means the rest of the Bad Batch didn’t know either.

The core issue I have here is not whether the chip is in or out, or even how long it may have been in if it is out now. The issue is that TBB spent 99% of the first season believing that Crosshair was under the chip’s influence… and they didn’t try to do anything about that. They abandoned him. They left a man behind. Does this make them all horrible monsters? Of course not! This shit is complicated as hell, but I do think they made a very large mistake and that Crosshair has every right to be furious about it.

“But, Clyde, they couldn’t have gone back. It was too dangerous! Hunter had a duty to his whole team, not just Crosshair.” True enough and I’d buy this argument 100% if Hunter hadn’t spent the entire season throwing his team into dangerous, seemingly impossible situations to save other people. Crosshair became the exception, not a hard rule of something they had to avoid. They went back to Kamino for Omega, a kid they’d only had one lunch with, despite knowing how dangerous the Empire was. They went into the heart of an occupied planet to rescue not just a stranger, but one belonging to the Separatist government. They helped Sid when she asked and there was plenty of compassion for the criminal trying to take her place. Most significantly, there wasn’t the slightest hesitation to go rescue Hunter when he was under the Empire’s control, in precisely the same place. Every explanation I’ve seen fans come up with—Kamino is too fortified, they don’t know where Crosshair is, they can’t risk Omega being captured, etc.—also holds true for Hunter, yet there wasn’t a second of doubt about needing to at least try to help him. And his rescue was arguably far more dangerous given that TBB knew they were walking into a trap. Going after Crosshair would have at least had some element of surprise.

I think the problem with these justifications is most easily seen in “Rescue on Ryloth” and, later, “War-Mantle.” In the former, we do watch Hunter decide that going on a rescue mission is too much of a risk, only for Omega to talk him into considering it.

Hunter: “It’s a big galaxy. We can’t put ourselves on the line every time someone’s in trouble.”

Omega: “Why not? Isn’t that what soldiers do?”

Hunter: “It’s not worth the risk.”

Omega: “She’s trying to save her family, Hunter. I’d do the same for you.”

The arguments that sway him are ‘Soldiers should help people’ and ‘Soldiers should specifically help their family.’ So… what does that say about their feelings for Crosshair? They’re willing to put themselves on the line for the parents of a girl they met once at a drop site, but not their own brother? That’s the message the writing sends. “But, Clyde, the difference is that they had an advantage here. Hera’s knowledge of her home planet tipped the odds in their favor.” Yeah… and Crosshair is stationed on TBB’s home planet. Even more than them collectively having the same knowledge that Hera does, “Return to Kamino” reveals that Omega always had additional, insider knowledge of the base: she has access to a secret landing pad and the tunnels leading up into the city. That knowledge was given and used the second Hunter’s freedom was on the line, but it never once came up to use for Crosshair’s benefit.

“War-Mantle’s” mission puts this problem in even sharper relief. Another claim I’ve seen a lot is that TBB only took risky rescue missions because they needed to be paid. The guys have got to eat after all. Yet Tech makes it clear that going after Gregor will lose them money. They’re meant to be on a mission for Sid and deviating for that won’t result in a payment. He explicitly says that if they decide to do this, they won’t eat. They do it anyway. No money, no intel, a huge risk “on a clone we don’t even know.” But that’s not what’s important, the show says. All that matters is that a brother is in trouble. This time it’s Echo pushing that message instead of Omega. When Hunter realizes that they’re about to try and infiltrate an entire facility and they don’t even know if this clone is still alive, Echo points out that they took that risk once before: for him. “If there’s a chance that trooper is being held against his will, we have to try and get him out.”

Yes! Exactly right! So why doesn’t that apply to Crosshair?

“Because he tried to kill them, Clyde!” No, that’s the easy, dismissive answer. A chipped Crosshair tried to kill them. AKA, a Crosshair entirely under the Empire’s control. The only difference between his enslavement and Gregor’s is that Gregor’s chains were physical while Crosshair’s were mental. And again, the point of everything at the start of this post is to show that no one knows when or even if that chip was removed. TBB definitely didn’t have any reason to suspect that Crosshair was working under his own power until Crosshair himself said as much. We might have been able to make that case at the start of the season, but “Battle Scars” removes any possible confusion. The entire team watched Rex reach for his blaster when he learned their chips were still in. The entire team watched Wrecker become a totally different person and attack them, just like Crosshair did. The entire team forgave him instantly and had their own chips removed. So why in the world didn’t anyone go, “Wow, Crosshair has a chip too. He was no more responsible for attacking us than Wrecker was. We need to try to get him out, no matter how hard that might be, just like we had to try for all these other people we’ve helped.”

But they didn’t. No one even considered rescuing Crosshair. They only went back for Hunter and, when they realized Crosshair was there too, they didn’t change their plans to try and rescue him as well. He’s treated as a particularly threatening inconvenience, not another team member in need of their help.

The problem I have with how this all went down is that the team treated Crosshair like an enemy despite all evidence to the contrary. Despite Omega outright saying that this isn’t his fault, it’s the chip, the group seems to decide that he’s gone crazy or something and that there’s nothing they can do. “It’s fine,” I thought. “They don’t really get what the chip is like yet. They don’t understand how thoroughly it controls someone.” But then “Battle Scars” arrives and Wrecker is treated with such compassion (which he deserves!) only for the group to continue acting like Crosshair is somehow different. It’s easy to say, “But Crosshair shot Wrecker” and ignore the easy pushback of, “and Wrecker nearly shot Omega.” Up until Crosshair’s own accusations and Omega’s ignored comments, TBB’s understanding of the chip’s influence and the lack of responsibility that accompanies mysteriously disappears when the show’s antagonist becomes the subject of conversation. This is seen most clearly in how Hunter tries to frame things during his talk with Crosshair:

“You tried to kill us. We didn’t have a choice.”

“Can’t you see that they’re using you? It’s that inhibitor chip in your head.”

“You really don’t get who we are, do you?”

Hunter mentions the chip, but he acts as if it’s Crosshair’s responsibility to overcome it: “Can’t you see…” Of course he can’t see, that’s the entire point of the chip, the thing he currently believes Crosshair still has stuck in his head. But Hunter and the others—with Omega as a wonderful exception—never seem to have accepted this like they did for Wrecker. When Crosshair “tried to kill us” it’s seen as a deliberate act that he chose, not something forced on him like with Wrecker. When Hunter talks about their ethics, he subconsciously separates the team from Crosshair: “You really don’t get who we are, do you?”, revealing a pretty ingrained divide between them. Even Wrecker gets in on the action, the one brother who truly understands how much the chip controls someone: “All that time, you didn’t even try to come back.” What part of he couldn’t try is not hitting home here? Again, for the purposes of this conversation it doesn’t matter whether Crosshair was chipped this whole time or not. The point is that TBB believed he was chipped… and yet still expected him to somehow, magically overcome that programming, writing him off when he failed to do that. He’s consistently held responsible for actions that they were told (and, through Wrecker, saw) were completely outside of his control. Even when we factor in his claim that the chip was removed, TBB has ignored all the evidence I listed at the start. No one, not even Omega, challenges this super vague and strange claim, or seeks out proof because they don’t want to believe that their brother could willingly do this. There’s just this... acceptance that of course Crosshair went bad. Why? Because he was an asshole sometimes? Taking it all as written, it doesn’t feel like the batch considered him a true part of the team. Certainly not like Wrecker or Hunter. As shown, the batch will go out of their way, risk anything, forgive anything, for them. They have a level of faith that was never shown to Crosshair.

“Severe and unyielding,” Tech says and he’s absolutely right, but I’d seriously challenge this idea that any of the others would have automatically done better if the situations were reversed. It stood out to me that each batch member has a moment of doubt throughout the series, a brief glimpse into how they think the Empire isn’t that bad, at least when it comes to this particular thing. Basically, a moment that could lead to a very dangerous line of thinking without others to stomp it down. Wrecker announces that he’s happy working for whoever, provided they give him food and let him blow things up. Tech finds the chain codes to be an ingenious strategy and is clearly fascinated with their development. Hunter initially wants Omega to stay on Kamino, despite knowing that this Empire has already, systematically killed an entire group of people: the Jedi. Doesn’t matter. She’s still (supposedly) safer there than she would be running with the likes of them.

There’s absolutely no doubt that those three made the correct choice in defying the Empire, but I believe that their ability to make that choice is largely dependent on them having each other. They survive together, not apart, and it’s their unity that allows them to make the really hard calls, like setting out on their own and opposing such a formidable force. But if Tech’s chip had activated and he’d been left behind, would he have muscled through to escape somehow...or would he have gotten caught up in all the new technology the Empire offered him, succumbing to both his chip and the inevitability that if his squad no longer wanted him, why not stay? Would Wrecker have escaped, or been easily manipulated into a new life of exploding things? Would Hunter have been able to push through without his brothers, or would he have become devoted to a new team to lead? Obviously there’s no way to ever know, but it’s always easier to make the right decisions when you have support in doing so. Crosshair had no support. His team left him and yes, they had to in that specific moment, but the point is that they never came back. As far as we saw throughout the season, they never planned to come back. They all talk about loving the Crosshair who existed when life was easier, but they weren’t willing to fight for the Crosshair that most needed their help. When he says “You weren’t loyal to me,” he’s absolutely right. The same episode, “Return to Kamino,” gives Omega two powerful lines that the group rallies behind:

Omega: “[The danger] doesn’t matter. Saving Hunter is what matters.”

AZ: “You must leave.”

Omega: “Not without Hunter.”

The key word there is “Hunter.” Danger, stakes, risk, probability… none of that matters when Hunter needs help. Crosshair did not receive that same level of devotion.

Which creates a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. The group is upset that Crosshair isn’t rejoining them, but they fail to realize that he has no reason to trust them anymore. He’s not joining the Empire because he’s inherently evil and that’s that, end of discussion. He’s joining it because above all Crosshair wants a place to belong… and TBB has made it clear—unintentionally—that he does not belong with them. The horrible actions that Crosshair took under his own free will (theoretically) came after he realized that doing bad things while under the Empire’s control was, apparently, unforgivable. If it wasn’t, his team would have come back to rescue him. They could have at least tried. But they didn’t, so Crosshair is left with the conclusion that either what he did under the Empire’s control is something the group can’t forgive him for, or they can forgive that (like with Wrecker) and he’s the problem here. He’s the one not worth that effort.

“The Empire will be fazing out clones next,” Hunter says. To which Crosshair responds, “Not the ones that matter.”

He wants to matter to someone and events show he no longer matters to his brothers. So why not stay with the Empire? I mean, we as the audience ABSOLUTELY know why not. Self-doubt and feelings of isolation aren’t excuses for joining the Super Evil Organization. Crosshair, if he is under his own control, is still 100% in the wrong for supporting them, no matter his reasons. So it’s not an excuse, but rather an explanation of that very human, flawed, fallible thinking. He needs to be useful. He needs to be wanted. Crosshair is an absolute dick to the regs and I have no doubt that a lot of that stems from the harassment TBB has experienced from them (with a side of his inflated ego), but I’d bet it’s also due to Crosshair’s intense desire to be valuable to someone. He keeps pointing out the regs’ supposed deficiencies because it highlights his own usefulness. When Crosshair fails to find Hera, the Admiral says that soon he’ll get someone who can, looking straight at Howzer at the door. It makes Crosshair seethe because his entire identity is based on being useful, yet no one seems to need him anymore. TBB seems to no longer want him. The Empire no longer wants clones. Now even regs are considered a better option than him, the “superior” soldier. Everywhere Crosshair turns he’s getting the message that he’s not wanted, but he’ll keep fighting to at least be needed in some capacity, no matter how small. Even if that means overlooking all the horrors the Empire commits.

“All you’ll ever be to [the Empire] is a number,” Hunter says and he’s absolutely right. But to TBB recently, Crosshair hasn’t even been that. He’s been nothing. Nobody worth coming back for. To his mind, at least being a number is something.

I hope that all of this resolves itself into a conclusion that is kind to each side (preferably without a Vader-style death redemption), especially given the still ambiguous state of the chip, but from a writing standpoint I’m admittedly a bit wary. We’re obviously meant to believe that the batch all love each other, but as established throughout this entirely too long post, this season did a terrible job imo of proving that they love Crosshair. Or, at least, proving that they love him as much as the others. If this was really meant to be just a matter of miscommunication, with Crosshair making terrible life choices because he only thinks he was abandoned, then we as the audience would have seen the batch trying and failing to get him out. Or at least establishing a very good reason why they couldn’t take that risk, hopefully with entirely different side-missions so the audience isn’t constantly going, “So you can risk everything for Gregor... but not Crosshair?” I’m VERY glad that Crosshair was allowed to air his grievances to the extent he did, but the end result of that—Hunter continually denying this, Omega walking away from him in their rooms, neither Tech nor Wrecker actually sticking up for him and acknowledging the chip’s influence during at least some of all this—is making things feel rather one-sided. It’s like we’re meant to take Crosshair at his word and accept that he’s this garden-variety antagonist who joins the Empire because yay being on the winning side… despite all these complications that clearly have a huge impact on how we read the situation. It doesn’t help that the show has already embraced an inconsistent manner of portraying chipped-clones. We know every clone has one, we know only a couple clones are aware of the chip’s existence (and can thus try to get it out), we know they enter a “Good soldiers follow orders” mindlessness once activated… yet towards the end we see a lot of side character clones thinking for themselves. Howzer decides that he’s no longer loyal to the Empire, giving a speech where a couple other clones throw down their weapons too. Gregor was arrested because he likewise realized how wrong this all was. But how is that possible? Do the chips completely control the clones, or not? Are these clones somehow exceptions? Are the chips beginning to fail? All of that has a bearing on how we read Crosshair—what were his own decisions, how much he was capable of overcoming the chip, whether that changed at all during certain points—but right now that remains really unclear.

It’s details like that which make me wonder if all these other questions will be answered. Will the story resolve all those ambiguous moments surrounding the chip, or brush them off with the belief that we should have just taken Crosshair at his equally ambiguous word? Will the story acknowledge Crosshair’s points through someone other than Crosshair, allowing it to exist as a legitimate criticism, rather than the presumed excuses of an antagonist? I’m… not sure. On the whole I’m very happy with TBB’s writing—despite what all this might imply lol. Until my brain picks over the season and discovers something else, my only other gripe is not allowing Omega to form a solid bond with Tech and Echo, instead putting all the focus on big brother!Wrecker and dad!Hunter. I think it’s a solid show that does a lot right, but I’m worried that, unless there’s a brilliant answer to all these questions and an intent to unpack both sides of the Hunter vs. Crosshair debate with respect—not just falling back on, “Well, Crosshair is with the Empire so everything he says is automatically bad and wrong” take—we’ve just gotten the setup for a somewhat messy, ethical story. For anyone here who also reads my RWBY metas, I’m pretty sure you’re not at all surprised that I’m invested in going, “Hey, you had one of the heroes suddenly become/join a dictatorship and do a lot of horrific things, but within a pretty complicated context. Can we please work through that carefully and with an acknowledgement of the nuance here, rather than throwing the ‘evil’ character to the proverbial wolves?”

God knows TBB is leagues ahead of RWBY, but I hope things continue on in not just a good direction, but one that tackles the aspects of this situation that many fans—and Crosshair—have already pointed out. As much as I adore the cast—and I really, really do—it was discomforting to watch a found family show where 4/5th of that family so completely wrote off one of the members and crucially have, at least so far, refused to acknowledge that. I want complicated, flawed characters, but that’s only compelling when the storytelling admits to and grapples with those flaws. We have quite firmly established Crosshair’s flaws in Season One. I hope Season Two delves into the rest of the team’s too.

Aaaand with that meta-dump out of my system, I’m off to write TBB fic. Thanks for reading! :D

#The Bad Batch #TBB #Crosshair #Star Wars #SW #mymetas #do I take my life in my hands #by posting SW meta?#probably lol

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anti-catradora-receipts · 5 years ago

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Catra abused Adora.

I want to start off by explaining my own experience with watching She-Ra for the first time. I started to watch the show and continued to watch it for various reasons. But I want to make it clear that I wasn’t watching the show to see who ended up with who. I enjoyed the show mostly because it had such wonderful messages surrounding healthy families, friendships, and relationships. And so, one of the main themes of the show ended up being: abuse.

The show demonstrated that abuse can take a variety of forms. The show demonstrated that people can suffer from abuse in different ways. The show presented that people can break the cycle of abuse and people can continue the cycle of abuse. The show demonstrated that in some cases people can try and help an abusive person, but the abusive person may abuse the person trying to help. The show also highlighted that people are allowed to leave abusive relationships.

Before we begin, I want to note that I won’t be answering the question “Did Catra’s own experiences of abuse influence her actions?” Because the answer to this question is obviously Yes. And I sympathize with Catra and the fact that she was abused while she was growing up. In addition, there’s a lot of complexity and depth surrounding the abuse Catra received. But Catra also continued the cycle of abuse. And in real life, people who have been abused can also end up abusing other people.

Now, since we’ll be focusing on Catradora in this commentary, we must look strictly at the interactions between Catra and Adora. The reason behind this is we are evaluating only whether the relationship between Catra and Adora is healthy. In addition, if your friend told you they were being abused, would you ask the question, “I understand, but what about your abuser? Was your abuser abused?”. No, I don’t think you would. You’d ask your friend, “Is there any way I can help?” And so, in this case, Adora is your friend and Catra is the abuser.

Thus, the main question remains: Did Catra abuse Adora? And the answer is Yes.

(Please note that the underlined statements are hyperlinked to websites providing information on abuse.)

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Catra has unrealistic expectations of Adora:

Catra makes unreasonable demands of Adora.

Catra expects Adora to put everything aside and meet her needs.

Catra is constantly dissatisfied no matter how much Adora gives.

Catra invalidates Adora:

Catra undermines, dismisses, and distorts Adora’s perceptions of reality.

Catra accuses Adora of being "crazy”.

Catra refuses to acknowledge or accept Adora’s opinions or ideas as valid.

Catra dismisses Adora’s requests, wants, and needs as ridiculous or unmerited.

Catra suggests that Adora’s perceptions are wrong or that Adora cannot be trusted by saying things like “you’re not making sense”.

Catra uses emotional blackmail:

Catra manipulates and controls Adora by making Adora feel guilty.

Catra uses Adora’s fears, values, compassion, or other hot buttons to control Adora or the situation.

Catra exaggerates Adora’s flaws or points Adora’s flaws out in order to deflect attention or to avoid taking responsibility for her poor choices or mistakes.

Catra denies that an event took place/lies about it.

Catra acts superior:

Catra treats Adora like Catra’s inferior.

Catra blames Adora for her mistakes.

Catra doubts everything Adora says and attempts to prove Adora wrong.

Catra talks down to Adora.

Catra uses sarcasm when interacting with Adora.

Catra acts like she’s always right, knows what’s best, and is smarter than Adora.

Catra controls and isolates Adora:

Catra treats Adora like a possession or property.

Signs of Physical Abuse

Catra kidnaps Adora.

Catra scratches Adora.

Catra shoves Adora.

Catra kicks Adora.

Catra slaps Adora.

Catra uses weapons on Adora.

Catra physically restrains Adora.

Catra attempts to murder Adora multiple times.

Adora suffered from Catra’s abuse and Adora displayed the effects of this abuse:

Short Term Effects

confusion

fear

hopelessness

shame

Long-term effects

guilt

anxiety

Adora also tried tactics that are not effective ways of dealing with abuse:

Adora arguing with Catra.

Adora trying to understand or make excuses for Catra.

Adora attempting to appease Catra.

Adora also figures out how to properly deal with Catra’s abuse:

Adora makes herself a priority.

Adora establishes boundaries.

Adora stops blaming herself.

Adora realizes she can’t fix Catra.

Adora avoids engaging with Catra.

Adora builds a support network.

Adora deserves to be in a healthy relationship, which consists of:

Trust

Adora should be confident her partner won’t do anything to hurt her or ruin the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, trust comes easily and Adora shouldn’t have to question her partner’s intentions or whether her partner has her back.

Honesty

Adora should be able to be truthful and candid without fearing how her partner will respond.

Adora’s partner may not like what Adora has to say, but should respond to disappointing news in a considerate way.

Respect

Adora’s partner should value Adora’s beliefs and opinions.

Adora’s partner should love Adora for who she is.

Adora should feel comfortable setting boundaries and should feel confident that her partner will respect those boundaries.

Adora’s partner should cheer for Adora when Adora achieves something.

Adora’s partner should support Adora’s hard work and dreams, and appreciate Adora.

Equality

Adora’s relationship should feel balanced.

Both Adora and her partner should put the same effort into the success of the relationship.

Neither Adora’s nor her partner’s opinions should dominate. Instead, they both should hear each other out and make compromises when they don’t want the same thing.

Adora should feel like her needs, wishes and interests are just as important as her partner’s.

Kindness

Adora’s partner should be caring and empathetic to Adora, and should provide comfort and support.

In a healthy relationship, Adora’s partner will do things that they know will make Adora happy.

Kindness should be a two-way street in Adora’s relationship: it’s given and returned.

Adora’s partner should show compassion for Adora and the things Adora cares about.

Taking Responsibility

Adora’s partner should own up to their actions and words.

Adora’s partner should not place blame and should be able to admit when they make a mistake.

Adora’s partner should genuinely apologize when they’ve done something wrong and continually try to make positive changes to better the relationship.

Adora’s partner should be able take ownership for the impact of their words or behaviour had, even if it wasn’t their intention.

Healthy Conflict

Adora and her partner should be able to openly and respectfully discuss issues and confront disagreements non-judgmentally.

Adora’s partner should not belittle or yell during an argument.

Adora’s relationship should have healthy conflict by recognizing the root issue and addressing it respectfully before it escalates into something bigger.

Fun

Adora should enjoy spending time with her partner.

Adora and her partner should bring out the best in each other.

A healthy relationship should feel easy and make Adora happy.

Adora should be able to let loose, laugh, and be themselves.

Adora’s relationship should not bring Adora’s mood down but should cheer Adora up.

Adora’s relationship doesn’t have to be fun 100% of the time, but the good times should definitely outweigh the bad.

In conclusion:

Whatever Catra says, Catra’s violence towards Adora is unacceptable.

Catra’s violent behavior is always Catra’s responsibility, not Adora’s.

Catra’s abuse is not okay or justifiable.

There are so many scenes throughout the series where Catra emotionally and physically abused Adora, and these scenes are captured on this blog.

I just want to add that even when Catra emotionally and physically abused Adora, Adora continuously tried to reach out and help Catra. Adora gave Catra so many chances for her to apologize and rectify her mistakes. But Catra didn’t. Not only that, when Adora left, Catra continued to abuse people. Catra emotionally abused Scorpia. Then, when Scorpia left, Catra began abusing Lonnie. Catra’s abuse didn’t stop when Adora left, Catra just found a new victim.

In addition, there were so many significant moments of growth for Adora. Adora found people who supported her and did not abuse her. Adora began to heal from Catra’s abuse. Adora no longer made excuses for Catra. Adora realized that she is not responsible for Catra’s atrocious actions.

Adora was strong and brave for moving forward in her life without her abuser.

Moreover, Adora is a victim of abuse. Catra abused Adora emotionally and physically. Catra repeatedly admits to manipulating Adora in order to meet her own selfish goals. Catra did not show any remorse for her abuse against Adora throughout seasons 1 to 4. Catra continuously blamed Adora for her own atrocious actions. And finally, Catra attempted to murder Adora on several occasions.

And here’s the most important thing. I don’t care who Adora would have ended up with. I just care about the fact that Adora ended up with Catra. What I mean is: I would rather have Adora end up without a partner, than end up with Catra.

Irrespective of whether you agree or disagree with my points on Catradora, these will be final points:

Abuse can happen anywhere at any time.

Abuse can happen in any relationship, including lesbian relationships.

Abuse is unacceptable.

Make sure YOU can recognize signs of emotional and physical abuse.

Make sure YOU know that it’s okay to leave an abusive relationship.

Make sure YOU can trust and depend on your PARTNER/FRIEND.

Make sure YOUR PARTNER/FRIEND knows they can trust and depend on YOU.

Make sure YOU are being treated with kindness and support in your relationships.

Make sure YOU are treating YOUR PARTNER/FRIEND with kindness and support.

Make sure YOU are in healthy relationships and friendships.

In conclusion, EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and respect.

Thank you.

#spop critical #spop salt #anti c//a #anti catradora #anti-catradora-receipts #adora deserves better

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pollenat · 4 years ago

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ITZY and 5 ways to say I love you

YEJI

Her hands resting on the sides of your head. Fingers caress, rub and play with where face meets hairline. Though Yeji’s small smile is one of soft feelings, you think the feelings inside your stomach possess none of her delicacy. They’re violent, twisting your insides, because the woman in front of you is way too much for your poor heart. And though your own touch isn’t telling, you’re worried she will learn it from a stray line on your skin. Why else would she be taking in the sight of your face with so much attention?

The feeling of being alone in the world, save it for Yeji’s warmth by your side. The night sky is dotted with stars, the forest is overflowing with leaves, animals are singing their evening ballad. You should’ve left a while ago, but lying in a field, just a few meters away from the forest’s edge, doesn’t feel half bad. And you’re here with Yeji, her embracing arm a pleasant reminder she’ll protect you if she has to. After all, it was her idea to stay back so late to enjoy the privacy and the sight of a clean sky.

Everyday objects you find in the pockets of your clothes. They may consist of tissues, old packs of gum, hair ties, or anything, really. What makes them so special, is the fact that each has a memory attached. A memory of Yeji. Whether she’s borrowed a jacket and forgot her lip balm, or lost a ring while hiding her hand in a pocket of your coat. Even the tissue she’s made a comment about – everything has her invisible name attached.

An abandoned teacup. It’s empty, lying on a coffee table filled with junk food. Plastic packages and crumbs mix into disgusting mess. TV plays in the background, characters of some teen movie have just started an unpopular musical number. A foot lies on your thigh. Its owner puts a chip in her mouth, eyes taking in the choreography. You couldn’t be any less interested in cliché songs about the power of friendship, but your better half? She’s that one hobby you can never see yourself giving up on. Yeji trashes in her place, doing her best to escape your tickling fingers, meanwhile laughing like a maniac.

The fact she’s never mad. Just disappointed. Her eyes, instead of endearment, offer you that damned sadness – a pointy arrow at your head, saying it’s all your fault for causing her gloom. If it wasn’t for your presence in her life, none of this would have ever happened. How dare you exist next to her when all you personify is the wrong? How dare you stab and claw at her heart when you were meant to heal and embrace it? And then the allusion that if you had tried, the things would have been better. But you never try, right? You’re the villain, right?

LIA

Face hidden in your neck. Arms tight around your body. Feet tucked in the space between yours. Soft noises of content. Hair basically pushed against your mouth. Despite the overwhelming presence, you feel happy. Your face hides in her hair. Arms lock on her back. You sigh from the very same sense of content. The hair on your tongue doesn’t annoy you. If anything, it brings another reason of enjoyment - the familiar smell of Jisoo’s favorite cosmetics.

Sudden grip on your hand. A look back at her pale face and uncertain eyes that scan your closest surroundings. With the night above and most people asleep, streets feel sinister. The individuals that are out and about bring a sense of danger, like they’re all mad from bloodlust. Like they all have only the devil’s doing in mind. Keeping the thoughts to yourself, you put out a brave front of indifference. If it’s what it takes to bring Jisoo a sense of comfort, you’ll make it a show to be remembered. Maybe even you will be fooled into peace.

A little kiss. Fingertips locked on your chin. Wide smile she adds as a bonus. And just like that, a moment later, she’s gone. You’re watching her back distancing itself from you with a little spring to Jisoo’s step. Are you the reason, or just an effect? Only when she stops and turns around do you realize, that you’re supposed to be accompanying her. But that’s Jisoo to you – so show-stopping you could forget to breathe even with throat tight and itchy. She doesn’t laugh, just smiles, as if she was aware that she, in fact, is the effect.

Hiding beneath a rainbow colored umbrella, with Jisoo stuck close to your side. You promised her a walk, but sneaky rain clouds have decided to make their surprise entrance. The weather forecast was so sure in their predictions of a sunny weather… Never again will you so blindly trust technology. Irritation clear on your face, you take a look to the side at Jisoo. Her head is leaning against your shoulder. Green and yellow clash on her features. Despite the uncomfortable sight of dark locks glued to her cheeks, she’s smiling. You’re not sure what is there to be happy about, but no comment breaks the rhythm of rain.

Read glaring at you from under your last message. It’s been like that for a while now. Every message read, but none answered. The silence is maddening, causing you anger, but no matter how much you want to do something, the compliance from your inner self never comes. Because in reality, Jisoo’s silence hurts as much as it angers. Why are you the only one trying to save a drowning ship? Why does she care so little about the pain her passiveness causes? Why is everything about it so unfair to you only?

RYUJIN

The suddenness of fingers hooking at the edge of your trousers. Their pulling has you turning around in confusion, stopping mid-sentence. Ryujin’s gaze is dark and meaningful. You’re worried she may not be feeling well, but observing her, you notice doubtful gazes she passes a person you were talking to. Nobody to be scared of, not when Ryujin’s herself. But even the warmest of stares you have reserved for her only aren’t enough to calm the storm brewing behind beautiful features.

A word idiot pressing itself at your lips. Of course, in the most lovable tone possible. Even if Ryujin’s “special” jokes are super unfunny and you’re cringing inside, you’re still enjoying them, or rather her own amusement. Does that make sense? Not really. But in the face of romance, logic is a rarity. Watching her as she laughs at herself, you’re reminded of a cold bath during a hot day – awakening, pleasant, somehow wrong, but also so right. Thanks to Ryujin, you can focus on things other than everyday struggles, even if the result has your face twisting in disgust.

Train jumps in its trails, shaking every passenger awake, including you. For a moment, you’re uncertain – what is this place you’re sitting in? A robotic voice announces next station. It’s an obscure name for a village, you don’t remember from the timetable. Have you missed your stop? Terrified, you attempt to sit up straight, but another head weighs you down. Ryujin is somehow still asleep, her cheek resting on your forehead, her hand carelessly abandoned on your lap. Even a loud conversation between two women sitting behind you doesn’t awaken her. And though your neck hurts, you stay in place so she can rest better.

A knock on a doorframe. A break in a train of thoughts. A look up from your phone at Ryujin’s awaiting silhouette. Her small pout is a picture of tiredness only your attention can cure, or at least so she thinks. Questions are answered with shakes of her head, a smile earns a smile in return. Before long, she climbs your lap and pushes you back to lie on bed. Like a pet missing their everyday companion, Ryujin sinks into your embrace. She’s a plush sensation to lean on and trust with your unconscious self. That is, if you manage to fall asleep with her weight crushing your lungs.

Either ignoring you, or staring with ridicule. Ryujin cannot decide on one, maybe because she’s just as conflicted when it comes to feelings. To detest, or to miss? She said the things were over, but how come you’re still in each other’s presence so often? It’s as if you were celestial bodies gravitating towards one another, unable to go alone, because all there is to your being is her. It may sound dramatic, but watching her back, with heart open and bleeding, you feel useless in your existence. You don’t know the now without Ryujin in it, and you don’t want to. So despite all the hurt, you still await her return to your side.

CHAERYEONG

A shy smile that causes you the feeling of warmth inside. A little embarrassed by your own body’s reaction, you try to laugh it off. But Chaeryeong doesn’t know what caused you so much fun. Her hands embrace you from behind, questions are fired as she tries to join your fun. Self-conscious smile looks like a blinking lightbulb. Avoiding her expectant stare, you play with the fingers locked on your abdomen, warmth now not only inside, but also outside.

An evening you spend lying on your back. There’s no motivation to get up and be productive. It’s funny. If anything, your heart’s understanding of productivity is watching Chaeryeong’s asleep profile. Hot air blows at a loose strand of hair, raising it into the air, only for the lock to fall back in its place. You could correct it, yes, but one of your hands is under Chaeryeong, while she weakly grips the other one. Pulling your limbs free would mean the possibility of waking her up. The result? Guilt, because you’d ruin a bubble-like moment that you should’ve taken the most out of. So you decide - the world can wait.

Cold autumnal wind blowing at your cheeks. Ice cold fingers warming themselves up in thin pockets to no use. Ache in your frozen toes, no amount of steps can melt. Finally, pharmacy’s door open. Chaeryeong’s return makes you shift attention to her winning smile. All the happiness because of a lip balm. She doesn’t waste time unpacking it to then spread gloss over her lips. You don’t know why you’re watching the interaction so closely, but it’s a distraction from the cold. She notices, giggles and – huh? – kisses you. To share the lip balm, apparently. Because it’s so cold, apparently. Because she cares about your well-being, clearly.

A snarky remark you can’t help, but laugh at. To others it may sound a little insulting, but you actually have to applaud her for a good one. Sarcastic, but funny – Chaeryeong’s unsure bite on a lower lip widens into a proud smile. She couldn’t help herself and you don’t mind. Still, maybe one day you’ll attack her the same way. Strike with sarcasm she’ll have to laugh at. In the end, all’s fair in love and war. Chaeryeong should see the revenge coming. Once you come up with a genius remark, that is.

Frustrating no’s she won’t stop using against you. As if they weren’t already driving you insane, she adds strong shakes of her head. There’s a no to every word, sigh, groan and wild gesture. Then there’s her posture – closed in on herself, making her appear smaller than she really is, so your resolve may weaken. In a way, it’s a gun pointing at you, forcing into compliance. Hidden behind a mask your knees may feel weak for, but a gun.

YUNA

Freezing in place when the world disappears from your sight. Warm palms cover your eyes, their touch comfortable and delicate. Their owner rests her head on your shoulder. She smells of freshness, best described by the (one would think) unexpected word home. You’re not scared. Surprised, but all fine. Yuna’s laughter joins yours when you take her palms into your own hands. Together, they slide down to rest on your sides.

A sudden look of bewilderment you’re given by friends when you laugh for no obvious reason. They’re not aware you haven’t been listening to them for the past few minutes, too taken by Yuna’s playful faces from across the table. You try to cover the laughter with a fake cough, but nobody’s fooled. They have so many questions to ask, meanwhile Yuna is acting oblivious to the entire scene, avoiding both your gaze and speaking up. Just she waits for the right moment, you’ll have your revenge.

How small she always attempts to be next to you. Doesn’t matter whether you stand higher, or lower than Yuna – she needs to be the one embraced, looked at, appreciated. If you’re not living thanks to her bright shine, who else could be your Sun? If your orbit doesn’t surround her, what’s the point of seeing one another? If gravitation doesn’t pull you towards her, how can she be sure you’re a planet made for her? Yuna needs to be both told and shown that she matters to you, and in case she notices the attention isn’t enough, she’ll be sure to remind you that she is the Sun to your Earth.

Her wild gestures as she attempts explaining her favorite things. Yuna’s arms flail in the air. At one point she’s pointing to her right, at another she has hands clasped on her left. Her eyes widen and close, to prove just how serious the case is. It’s amusing, but you don’t dare a laugh. Not when she’s so eager to share a part of her life with you. Not when she rolls her eyes at some silly thing that’s bothering her so much. Yuna’s hard work is adorable, but admitting aloud how heart-melting instead of heart-clutching she is would create a rift in the moment of happiness, so you let the little lie live.

The distance. As if terrified you may stab her, Yuna stays away. She won’t look you in the eye, answer a simple yes or no question, or even react to your words. As if you were a mare she shouldn’t look at. As if just a glance in your direction could hurt her. In your eyes, Yuna’s childish choice of action is despicable. So much that you don’t even attempt burying the hatchet. To every single act of avoidance, you respond with indifference. Every dejected sigh on her part meets a roll of your eyes. It’s an ongoing war that has no sense for it, other than destruction.

➛ pollenat’s list of headcanons

➛ pollenat’s list of shorts

➛ pollenat’s list of scenarios

#sorry for taking so long #been really stuck on Yuna here which is weird since she's usually the easiest for me to write #i know some of these scenes are super lacking :(#itzy fanfiction #itzy imagines #itzy scenarios #itzy fluff #itzy angst #kpop fanfiction #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop fluff #kpop angst #girl groups #pollenat's scenarios

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vhsrights · 4 years ago

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ANOTHER JEMILY THOUGHT

Being a human is fucking exhausting some times, and Emily and JJ definitely feel that.

Emily feels that when she gets stuck in her head. Having your thoughts run around in frenzy for hours on end is not fun. She always tries to push it off but they find ways to subconsciously manifest. Somedays it’s her insecurities and worries that surface. On those days, her hands shake a little more and she makes sure to hold back whatever she does. Emily tunes herself down and watches everyone around her religiously. On other days, it’s simply the sheer energy and amount of thoughts in her head. They move so fast that she can barely keep up and it leaves her confused and frazzled. But, Emily would never let that show, upfront at least. Then, she makes sure to bustle around more than normal. She doesn’t stop to make the little conversations that she usually does, fearing that if she stops everything will spill out and she will shut down. She will stim constantly, rubbing her hands up and down her legs to feel the fabric and ground herself. Emily will also consistently shake her fingers or her pen to try and hide how much her head is getting to her. Over time, JJ learns to pick up her exhaustion, and can tell by the way Emily greets people in the morning or pours her coffee. (let me explain) Normally, Emily is an Americano kind of girl with more coffee and barely any additives. However, when she’s having an insecurity brain day she adds a shit ton of sugar. The sugar is jarring and gives her something to focus on (no matter how much she hates it). When she’s having a brain overload day, she adds a lot of milk to get her the caffeine she needs for the day but dulling its taste so she can like ground herself and not get too hyper. Both of these kinds of days make Emily want to shut off her brain, but only around JJ. Her guard is still high enough that she just collapses on JJ when they get home. JJ has to move her around so that she can just hold her on the couch. Eventually Emily will slowly open up again, but she typically needs 12 hours to recuperate so she just keeps JJ close and kisses her several times (just to remind herself how much she loves her gf and that JJ is always there to help her) JJ will cook a simple meal or order in Chinese takeout and they “watch” Russian/other foreign movies on a loop until Emily falls asleep in JJ’s cradle hold. (don’t worry she carries her up to bed)

JJ is a little different. She succumbs more to the pressures of work, rather than the bustle of her head. Her job busies her head typically, not giving her time to dole on her insecurities and other thoughts. However, her job is a lot. JJ is not only a profiler, but also the one team member that seems to be consistently rational. Jennifer is like everyone’s impulse control and reality check rolled into one. Every anchor does need to be pulled up from time to time, as does JJ. The pressure of keeping her team together is enough to nearly crush her sometimes and JJ hates it. She hates that she needs to ask for help and she hates the fact that sometimes she can’t handle everything on her own. Well, there is one person that she trusts to hold her up, Emily. JJ likes to hide herself away when her brain begins to act up. She avoids showing her face out of her office and turns off her lights. JJ likes to work by the light of her small desk lamp because it helps to reduce her world to just what she can see. Some days she puts her cases to the side and takes out the most mundane thing she can find to do. Sometimes, it’s as little as signing her name on files and leaving the rest blank for later. Having that small sense of accomplishment helps to tame her imposter syndrome and give her some peace. On the outside, JJ is overly nice. She never lets her exterior crack, going out of her way to do things for others to allow herself to stack her lists full. She’ll offer to run out multiple times for the office’s Coffee, she’ll help reorganize someones desk, or she’ll go to Garcia and help her with her newest set of trinkets. Emily can see when she’s overexerting herself and learns to step in. JJ is hesitant in the beginning, but eventually follows Emily’s command. Emily will simply text her and ask her a scale of 1-10, to describe how bad it is and tailor a plan according to that. On more mild days, she takes JJ home and helps her to work out the nervous energy whether it be dancing, moving around in the kitchen, an actual workout (Emily’s not the most fond of those), or a workout. On more severe days, Emily takes JJ and sits her down in a cuddle on the couch. She makes sure to repeat and go over all of the things that JJ has done to help others, herself especially, supplementing her sweet words with gentle massages and brain kisses. JJ is sometimes resistant but often times Emily will switch to another language that JJ can’t respond in and continue. JJ can take any amount of time up to a full 2 days to get back to normal, seeing as for her it is less frequent but more draining. She always makes sure to thank Emily by either tapping thrice on her blackbird tattoo, or tracing star somewhere on Emily.

This may not be the most accurate but like yk it’s my HC so :) enjoy ig

#long post #mc thinking hours #jemily thoughts #:)#this is what sits in my brain #jemily

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rpmemesbyarat · 4 years ago

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RP meme from "Chapter One: A World of Darkness" in Changeling: The Dreaming (20th anniversary edition)

Dreamers are taught that they won’t amount to much, that their creativity is a pale imitation of what came before.

Well-meaning, or envious, parents and friends consistently suppress talent in their loved ones, secure in the knowledge that they’re saving them from a huge mistake.

Repeated altercations eviscerate creativity until all that remains is overwhelming self-doubt and insecurity.

Every day is a struggle.

It’s not that they don’t care, they are just unable to grasp circumstances beyond their own social circle.

Old legends define a changeling as the offspring of mortals and faeries, or a faerie child switched out for a human one.

Ancient curses affect entire landscapes, monsters hide in withered forests, roads made of stardust allows travelers to visit vistas hidden among clouds, and ancient dragons and bygone beasts still roam the skies.

In order to survive this onslaught on their very essence, the fae turned to an ancient ritual which locked their immortal souls in human bodies.

The child talking to her teddy is, in fact, discussing courtly politics with her chimerical bear companion.

The most common means of learning about the past, then, is through the traditional art of storytelling.

Despite the thrill and excitement of hearing legends brought to life by storytellers, academic history is an extremely important factor in the pursuit of lost faerie knowledge, turning myth into truth.

Ancient texts are written in several, often pictographic, faerie languages, and quite often the words seemingly come alive, constantly realigning, rotating, and shifting locations to avoid being decoded.

Even when enough common denominators exist for a decent decoding, the end results often cause further questions, rather than providing answers.

Events become history. History becomes legends. Legends become myths, and myths are forgotten.

Religions told mortals to worship new gods and to turn away from old traditions and rules.

As scientific methods began to explain what mortals previously considered magic, the common folk took to the church’s teachings, foreswearing their old ways in exchange for salvation and a steadfast faith on which to cling in the darkest days.

On July 20, 1969, humanity witnessed the moon landing live on television, and all of the hope, fear, and wonder of the previous decade burst forth.

Mortal witnesses describe friends or family collapsing for a brief moment, then rising, confused for a short time, but brimming with confidence and an aura of regal quality.

However, no matter the chosen human body, they all belonged to someone wealthy and influential, or were members of highly-valued and powerful families in society.

Despite conflicts, both parties openly declared their intent to find peaceful solutions, regardless of acts of violence intended to derail such hopes.

However, this decree didn’t prevent individual members of the houses to cast their allegiance with the side for which they felt an affinity.

The time for discussions ended with blood on the walls, and only war remained.

Theirs was a passionate, whirlwind romance, but one that ended in tragedy.

Without warning, the sky seemingly ripped open and, to those with faerie sight, a red sun appeared, bathing the world in a sinister scarlet light reminiscent of blood.

Behold! Your true king returns!

Better a nightmare than dreamless sleep

Nonetheless, the nobility is not immune to the changes in the world.

No matter how well hidden, however, the child’s true nature marks her as different.

It may start small, with a mortal witnessing strange occurrences no one else sees.

Those that are found are the lucky ones.

The term fosterage comes from the medieval practice, where nobles would take on the children of another family to cement alliances or to build connections between noble children for the next generation.

She will take the lessons from her mentor forward, spending the rest of her days honing what she has learned.

Banality seeks to explain away the fantastic and categorize, empiricize, contain, and render mundane anything outside of the scope of accepted mortal understanding.

This process doesn’t happen all at once.

Many legends and epic stories came from the search for extended life, with outcomes ranging from sad hilarity to outright horror.

Legends speak about treasures that can extend youth or grant immortality once more, like the fabled Fountain of Youth, but so far none have been recovered.

The adventure might be worth it, though.

It is a place woven into the fabric of the mortal world, hidden behind and without, though its magic and influence can affect the physical world and those that live in it.

The land responds to the thoughts and deeds of the creatures that live there and adapts to their every whim.

The shifting landscape is so unpredictable as to throw off any seasoned traveler.

Only a few trods lead to this wholly unpredictable and constantly-shifting landscape.

The space is influenced by the strong dreams of mortals and the expression of powerful mortal feelings and creativity.

They held nothing but hatred and contempt for one another.

History has taught them through many a hard-earned lesson that they are able to accomplish these tasks much more effectively when they work together than when they’re at each other’s throats.

The pageantry and rituals serve as thread that runs through the ages, tying the generations together.

Their customs and lore serve as the glue that binds each individual to one another.

Everyone, from the lofty noble on his throne to the lowly chambermaid, has their duties in a well-organized society.

Without everyone working together, doing what’s expected of them, society would not be able to support itself.

Even a lifetime of tragedy and loss has its own poignancy.

The act of creation holds an inherent beauty.

Each new work of art, new performance, and new thought is a unique manifestation of creativity undreamed of in the world before.

Beauty must be preserved because it is the basis for all life.

Society cannot operate effectively without an inherent fairness.

A favor is always paid back with a reciprocating favor.

An object or service given is returned with something of equal value.

Loyalty deserves fidelity, and acrimony deserves hatred.

The self comes from within. It is the basis of being, granting the ability to reason, to question, to strive for improvement.

To know oneself is to make life worth living.

Identity requires freedom — the freedom to buck trends, to say no, and to try new things.

The only things that remain eternally unchanged are those that are dead.

The alternative is nothing but stasis.

Even at its most benign, stagnation leaves people woefully unprepared when everything they know eventually gets upended.

Once outside rewards are involved, whether tangible or simply accolades, the concept of honor twists people, making them do monstrous things.

Honor is nothing more than an ugly little lie told by tyrants designed to keep their slaves docile and obedient.

No one can follow his dream when an overlord is standing above him, micromanaging his life.

Everyone has responsibilities, but if given the freedom to be themselves, people will find ways to do the necessary things in their own way that doesn’t prevent them from doing the things that make life worth living.

Pranks were played, sometimes in jest and at other times scathing, at the expense of those in power.

A merry time was had by all while allowing the disenfranchised a chance to air grievances and have an outlet for their frustrations.

Their only goal is to force a response from those capable of alleviating some of the suffering.

To fit in as part of the mundane world they became traveling circuses, freak shows, or other transient groups.

Those of higher rank are respected by those of lower rank and are also expected to meet their obligations to the less fortunate.

Many nobles see their main business to be that of gaining — or retaining — power.

Alliances may shift between the nobles and circumstances may change, but all try to expand their holdings and rise higher up the social ladder.

Something has to give.

A noble expects obedience from his vassals and respect from all others. In return, the noble respects those superior to him.

Whether they like it or not, the nobility has had to concede that modern ideas of democracy and popular rule are realities now.

Still, most nobles rule through force, cunning, personal magnetism, and custom.

They must never reveal their true natures to humanity.

Some battles are fought to first blood.

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #roleplay memes #changeling the dreaming #owod #World Of Darkness

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rachelbethhines · 4 years ago

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Tangled Salt Marathon - Rapunzel Day One

This is decent episode, and one of the few that isn’t filler in season two, but because there are problems with the over all character acs, there’s problems here with episode too.

Summary: Rapunzel and Cassandra come across an abandoned magic stall while searching for parts of their destroyed caravan. The stall contains a wand of forgetting. Cassandra impulsively wishes that Rapunzel would "just forget about everything" when she was tired of her trying to patch things up between them, which results in Rapunzel regressing to when she was still in her tower with Gothel.

The Episode Order is Confusing

So this and The Brothers Hook aired on the same day. Now in the production order listing, Rapunzel Day One is suppose to come before The Brothers Hook and that’s how it’s ordered on Disney Plus. Which is where I’m watching this marathon and getting all my screen caps.

However The Brothers Hook did air before this episode according to Wikipedia. Also Hook Foot is nowhere to be seen with nary a word. So placing The Brothers Hook before would indeed make more sense in that regard.

Yet Raps and Cass aren’t fighting in The Brothers Hook, so I don’t understand how this was supposed to originally work. What’s the correct viewing order here? Is Hook Foot just off screen with Fidella this episode, or is Cass and Raps ignoring their big fight in The Brother’s Hook?

For Someone With a Disability Now, It Doesn’t Seem To Affect Things

Ok, to be fair, they do show Cassandra practicing here and later in Mirror, Mirror trying to relearn how to use her hand, and indeed physical therapy for injuries is a thing. Yet, two scenes isn’t enough to establish that. She regains usage of her hand really quickly and far too easily, given the type of injury it was.

Disabilities, even unseen ones, still impact your everyday life. Yes, they don't ruin your life; you can still do things. But they don't just go away and you have to deal with it.

Finding that balance between not making a character useless, while still recognizing that there are things that they struggle with when writing disabilities is a line that writers have trouble with. But if you’re not going to put in that effort needed to pull it off tastefully then don't introduce the concept.

One Step Forward; Two Steps Back

Rapunzel recognizing that there is a problem, and wanting to fix it before it gets worse, can be viewed as progress. After all, avoiding the issue is why things got so bad between her and Varian. But, she’s still failing to see why Cassandra is upset and so goes about things the wrong way.

And keep in mind, Rapunzel does have every right to be mad at Cassandra, just the same that Cass has a right to be mad at Rapunzel. Both girls screwed up.

Yet, it’s only Rapunzel’s side of things that Rapunzel cares about, and therefore nothing actually gets resolved.

This could have been a decent conflict for season three, but that’s not where the writers take things so we’re just spinning our wheels here.

It’s also kind of shitty that Cass is the only person that Rapunzel is willing to put effort into righting things with. She still doesn’t give a crap about Varian, nor any other villain in the show.

Well I Guess This Has to Come Before The Brothers Hook

They have the caravan in Brothers Hook, don’t they? I mean how else did they meet up with Hook Hand? But if that is the case then where is Hook Foot now? I don’t know.

Cassandra’s Hurt Hand Only Matters When It Concerns Her Relationship With Rapunzel and Not How It Affects Her Character as a Whole

An extension of what I was saying before, but it shows the fundamental problem with the writing for Cassandra. The writers only think of her as a conflict for Rapunzel and not as a person with like her own life and shit.

Long Time, No See Owl

As soon as Hook Foot goes unceremoniously missing, then Owl shows up. I don’t think he’s been seen since season one, yet they act like he’s always been here with the group.

Why is continuity and consistency so hard for this show?

The Saporians Are Indeed Homeless, But Don't Expect That to Ever Be Brought Up

So things to note.

This isn’t a village. It’s an encampment. What we see here are destroyed tents and caravans. The only permanent structure is a short stone wall.

Secondly, the magic book they find has the Saporian symbol on it, and indeed the Saporians use the wand of oblivium to take over Corona in S3.

What we can gather from this is that the Saporians were driven out of Corona after the first war. They’ve been living as nomads for centuries without their homeland.Yet their most recent settlement was destroyed by the black rocks sometime before season one started, along with most of their possessions and means of living.

All of this would explain their motivations, goals, and why they picked now to try and take over and not just any other time.

But don't expect any of that to be brought up or remembered by anyone come season three. We can’t have any po the bad guys, save for Cass, being sympathetic now can we.

Also, just a side note. It’s funny how apothecary is treated as magic and alchemy as a science in this world, when in reality it should be the opposite way around.

This is Not an Apology

If you gotta throw a ‘but’ in there, then you haven’t really apologized.

Rapunzel’s not sorry for Cass getting hurt. She doesn’t recognize nor understands why Cassandra feels the way she does, and she’s even attempting to try to. All Rapunzel cares about is how Cass being upset makes herself feel. She’s putting in this effort to ‘talk about it’ because Cass being outwardly angry at her is inconvenient to herself and nothing more.

Rapunzel Still Hasn't Learned Boundaries

Didn’t we already have this conversation back in season one?

And like, yes, it’s not good for Cassandra to ignore her feelings, but what Rapunzel does here by pushing isn’t a good thing either.

What's most frustrating though is that neither learn anything from this. Just like they didn’t learn anything in Under Raps or Goodbye and Goodwill.

It’s aggravating to see the writers give us an actual conflict that’s worth having the mains fight over, only to be undermined by previous episodes and then thrown away altogether.

So How Come the Wand Only Erases Part of Rapunzel’s Memory and Not All?

Like, this is suppose to be set for season three with Frederic and Arianna losing their memories. Yet despite Clementine using a similar wand, it doesn’t have the same effect on them as it does on Rapunzel here. They lose all their memories and sense of identity, while Raps just forgets a few years.

Speaking Forgetting How Things Work

Where did this handy dandy book with the cure go when Frederic and Arinna lost their memories? Why didn’t Raps go looking for it then, or force the Saparoians to give her the cure while they were in her custody?

So This Plot Point Kind of Back Fires, and Winds Up Undermining Everyone’s Relationship with Rapunzel

First off, just repeating New Dream scenes from the movie, but with Cass in Eugene’s place is ill advised given the direction that the show went in. Whether you ship Casspunzel or not, it’s important to recognize that ‘sisters’ is what they are intended to be in canon. That’s the direction that Chris went with them, whether we like it or not. So either no one on the show knows how to write platonic female relationships, or this is gay baiting. Take your pick.

It’s also lazy.

But most damaging is that this only shows that Cassandra only liked Rapunzel when she was naive and stupid, and not the Rapunzel we have now. Tie in how her friendship with Rapunzel is based off of validation to begin with and we got a very unhealthy relationship, and not one that should be rooted for, despite the show wanting you to do just that.

They even go so far to repeat the lines from the flashback in the last episode, as if this was a positive thing in their dynamic, instead of recognizing it for the really mess up thing that it.

Then there’s the Eugene side of things that this calls into question.

We know Eugene loves Rapunzel through thick and thin, but how much of their relationship is based off their first adventure together and not about how they work together in the here in now?

Did Rapunzel just simply latch on to Eugene because he’s the first person that she met who wasn’t her mother and wound up being nice to her? If anyone else found her, would she be in a relationship with them instead? Is it healthy for her to never look for anything else? How much does Rapunzel actually like Eugene, for himself?

Then throw in Eugene’s over idealization of Rapunzel in season three, they’re lack of communication issues, and Rapunzel’s crippling need to always be right, and I can’t say if New Dream should be what we’re rooting for either.

This isn’t a Casspunzel vs New Dream thing, nor is it a personal dislike of Rapunzel herself. Rather, it’s a very serious question about the nature of Rapunzel’s interpersonal relationships vs her character development, and how that has to change things on some level, and if it’s still worth having those relationships now that she herself has changed so drastically.

Is everyone being fulfilled? Is everyone getting what they need still? No? Then, why are any of these people still together?

That needs to be addressed by the narrative now, and it never is.

So Why Would You Say That Cass?

Rapunzel doesn’t know where she is and therefore has no idea what direction the tower lies in. If you’re heading south back to the camp then just say the tower is south. In fact it actually is south because you’ve been traveling northeast to the Dark Kingdom for months now, according to the map in Rapunzel’s Return. So what was the point in lying about that?

In in effort make Rapunzel look smart, they had to make Cass look dumb and that’s not good writing. If you needed Rapunzel to suddenly not trust Cass then there were other better ways. The drawing she placed in her pocket should be enough on its own to tip her off, and all she has to do is reach into her pocket to put like a rock she found in there and then find it that way.

So When Did Rapunzel Have Time to Build This Elaborate Mousetrap?

This would have taken hours, it’s not even been minutes.

There’s making Raps competent and then there’s turning her into an overpowered invincible heroine.

Now Pascal Is Missing

Oh is he with fucking Hook Foot now?

He was right on your shoulder Eugene.

If you’re going to have characters conveniently missing then establish that first, preferably in a visual way and not with exposition.

So Rapunzel is Treat As In the Right Even When She’s Not

So Cassandra opening up about her feelings is treated as the solution to the problem, but it’s really not, or it shouldn’t be anyways. She can recognize she lied about the wand without having to doing something she finds uncomfortable, and it’s not like Rapunzel right now has any frame of reference for what Cass is talking about.

All this amounts to is giving Rapunzel a free pass on her earlier bullshit.

Also if Cass repeating a phrase Rapunzel said earlier was all that was needed to jog her memory enough to trust her, then why couldn’t Eugene done the same? He was right there.

This Doesn’t Resolve Anything

Ok first off that’s not what friends do. Friends actually work through shit. Friends make sincere apologies. Friends forgive each when they do.

If you’re not doing that then you’re not friends and you should just leave.

No one, not Raps, not Cass, ever apologizes for what happened in the Great Tree. They never try to understand what either of them did wrong, nor do they put effort into fixing themselves or addressing their issues and flaws.

And you know what? That would be a valid reason for their falling out in season three. But it’s not used as such, so any resolution to their conflict there winds up feeling hollow.

Conclusion

This episode, like with the Great Tree, gave me hope that this was all leading somewhere. Now it’s just a bitter reminder of how screwed up the writers’ morals are in this show, and how poorly planned everything was.

#tangled #anti-tangled #anti-rapunzel #anti-cassandra #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure

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birthdaysentiment · 4 years ago

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The music in wtFOCK season 3 - Bonus Song #3

Zaterdag 10.32 // "Unfair" - 6LACK & Love Renaissance

It's crazy to think about how your life can change in a matter of seconds, how the change can happen so fast, that you don't even realized it happened until it did. A life changing experience is filled with so many emotions, both good and bad, but in this situation, that Robbe finds himself in, it's only filled with pain and hurt. It's a consuming and overwhelming feeling, whether it's physically or mentally, but we all know what it's like to have those feelings run through our body, how it clings to every single fiber with such an intensity, that it becomes too much to bear, something Robbe is feeling in this very moment.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see the pain, to know that another person is hurting, but with Robbe we only had to look at the bruises on his body and the look on his face, to know how he was feeling. The night before was supposed to be one of the best in Robbe's life, as he had his first date with Sander, a boy who changed his life with a look into his eyes, but as we all know, the night didn't turn out the way everyone thought it would.

As we left Robbe and Sander alone on the cold and hard ground, we had no idea of what happened afterwards, how they were feeing, what kind of pain and ache they were in, but we got our answer the morning after. Robbe is in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, leaning over the sink as he tries to control the pain that overwhelms his body and mind. He keeps his eyes close, as to shut out the world around him, because he knows that when he opens his eyes, the memories from last night will come flashing by. Because the deep purple bruises on his body reminds him of the harsh reality he lives in, a reality we all live in.

The music fills the silence around Robbe as soon as the clip begins, where the switch of focus, from the purple marks on Robbe's waist to the heartbreaking expression on his face, makes last night's events seem even more real, as we get comforted with them from the very first second. The song's high pitch notes are difficult and uncomfortable to listen to, as they pierce through you, almost as if they're a symbol of the pain that goes through Robbe's body. And they stand in sharp contrast to the silent and mellow tones in the underlying melody, which brings another set of emotions to the clip, making it even more difficult to watch - something we see Robbe struggling with too, as he can't look at his own body. There's so much sadness in the intro of the song, that really emphasizes the emotions in the beginning of the scene, making everything even more intense.

But the image I can't seem to get out of my head, is the moment Robbe opens his eyes, looking more defeated and crushed than ever. Because as he stands alone in the cold, raw and almost clinical-like bathroom, it becomes too much, his emotions start to overwhelm him, since the simple action of moving a single body part seems to make the pain even more overpowering and consuming. Robbe lets his head fall down, trying his best not to break down in that same moment, and everything just seems so unfair. And maybe that's part of the season why wtFOCK chose this song, because the title almost seems like a comment to the whole situation, how unfair it is that Robbe is feeling the way that he is, that he's experiencing this.

The melody in the song changes, as the intro comes to an end, where it's getting replaced by a more consistent sound with a slow tempo beat that blends with a darker and deeper voice, which has a melancholic vibe to it, something that seems to run through the whole clip. Robbe gently touches the wound on his stomach, but the simple touch of his fingertips is too much, as he gets reminded of the physical pain from the kicks. But it's also the mental pain that makes the situation even more unbearable, how Robbe can't seem to escape the millions of thoughts running through his mind. How helpless he and Sander was in the situation, the vulnerable stage they were in as they were lying on the ground, but maybe there's a part of Robbe that feels embarrassed, even ashamed about what happened.

It's so heartbreaking to see Robbe like this, so see the look on his face as his eyes wander over his body, looking at all his wounds and scares. He's hoping it's just a bad dream he hasn't woken up from yet, but the physical and mental pain that goes through him, is far worse than any dream can make it feel. But the interesting thing is how we never see Robbe's full body in the first minute or so, we only get close-up glimpse of the marks, like their all part of a puzzle we can't see yet. And the use of the little mirror makes the scene even more intense and emotional, because it somehow represents a change, that Robbe might see himself differently, as well as the whole situation, that he might understand or see things in a different light.

To Robbe's surprise, Zoë suddenly walks into the bathroom, and after a few seconds the confused look on her face changes to a more shocking expression, as she sees the wounds on Robbe's body. In that same moment, as she enters the room, the music stops, where it seems like the disappearance of the song is there to represent how Robbe gets thrown back to reality, and for the first time we get a chance to see the damage on his body in full sight. The silence fills the air between them, where there's nothing Robbe can do to cover his body, even though he tries to hide some of the wounds with his arms. There's no way for him to pretend or hide that last night didn't happen, as Zoë presence in front of him is making that impossible.

Robbe looks even smaller as he stands in front of Zoë, and that might symbolize how he feels: vulnerable and exposed. In that moment Robbe just wanted to flee to his room, to the safety and the quietness of it, where he didn't have to talk about what happened, because what would he even say? But Zoë doesn't let him go that easily, even though he tries to get past her as soon as she stepped into the room. You can see how sincerely concern she looks at him, how protective she seems and how surprised she is to hear about what happened, even though it was far from the truth. But Robbe just wants to be left alone, to get a chance to process everything himself, because the longer he stays with Zoë the more heartbreaking everything seems to become.

Throughout this whole clip, the only thing I wanted to do was to give Robbe a big hug, because he really seemed like he needed one. Just to let him know that he wasn't alone, that everything was going to work out, and that's why it broke my heart to see Robbe step out of the bathroom, walking slowly but determined to his room, as to avoid any contact, because in that moment he just wanted to be by himself, needed to be by himself. But I can't help but wonder if there wasn't just one person that Robbe wished would hold him in his arms, that would kiss him softly while telling him that everything was going to be okay.

#wtfock #wtfam #music in wtfock #wtfocksoundtrack #robbe ijzermans #zoë loockx #tw bruises #just in case #i wrote this two months ago and my writing has really changed #so i don't know how good or bad this is #and i don't think it can be called an analysis anymore #maybe parts of it #because some of it is just fic style and commentary #but ohhh well #some people have been asking for this so i will deliver #and i know we're not in season 3 anymore #but again ohhh well #and i will stop now sorry #enjoy!

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bemused-writer · 5 years ago

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Analysis of Subaru, Kamui, and Subaru/Kamui

Ever since I first read X/1999 I was of the Subaru/Kamui persuasion. The two have each suffered a great deal and went out of their way to support one another; every single scene they have is of them doing just that as best they can. And since I have returned to my X/1999 obsession with a vengeance, I figure it’s time to take a look at this ship–and the characters themselves–with everything I got. Technically, this is not a “confirmed” ship. Technically, there are a lot of unconfirmed or implied ships floating around X/1999. I figure that's on account of CLAMP’s multishipping tendencies. Anyhow…

Before we get into this, I won't be taking Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles into account for two reasons: 1) It is an AU and therefore is supposed to give us an alternative look at the characters and 2) If I start including the plotlines of Tsubasa we will never finish this review. X/1999 is already plenty long. 8D I might do a separate post about their interactions in Tsubasa once I reread that manga, though.

With that out of the way, let’s take a look. One of the most obvious things people have to say about these two is that they’re reflections of each other. They’ve been through similar experiences and similar traumas. Their reactions to those experiences are quite different, however, and goes a long way towards explaining why they take separate paths later in the series. Let’s start with their first meeting.

When Subaru first meets Kamui, it’s literally at the worst phase of Kamui’s life. His best friend, Fuuma, has just had his brain washed thanks to fate (!) and the woman he loved, Kotori, was murdered by said best friend right before his eyes. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, he was nearly killed by Fuuma as well, which took on a weird, sexual vibe, which becomes pretty consistent on Fuuma’s part throughout the series.

All of this is extremely similar to what Subaru endured at Seishirou’s hands in Tokyo Babylon years earlier (although the sexual component with Seishirou is toned down quite a bit in comparison). There are some notable differences in circumstance, however, and these circumstances are important to understanding the fundamental differences between Subaru and Kamui themselves. As Subaru says, their pain isn’t the same.

The most pertinent difference between the two is the cause that led them into a coma in the first place and what ultimately brought them out of it. For Subaru, the betrayal and abuse at the hands of the man he loved is what sent him into a coma while the death of his sister, the other person he loved most, is what brought him out of it. In other words, traumatic shock put him into a coma and traumatic shock forced him out of it. There wasn't a single moment that wasn't painful.

For Kamui, it’s quite different. The death of the woman he loved along with the betrayal and abuse at the hands of his best friend is what sent him into the coma. It was doubly traumatic because Kamui lost everything all at once. This is a big part of why Sorata was so worried Kamui would never wake up; he literally had nothing tying him to reality. The only two people he'd ever had a significant bond with were both gone in one fell swoop. The only reason he emerged from this is, of course, because of Subaru’s intervention.

Perhaps the only reason Kamui is even slightly well-adjusted is thanks to the much gentler wake-up call he had in comparison to Subaru. Frankly, after Hokuto died, Subaru didn't have anyone for nine years. It's no wonder he dwelled on nothing but Seishirou, barely managed his duties as head of the Sumeragi clan, and developed a suicidal wish to keep him going.

Kamui has Subaru, so he managed to avoid a lot of that. He's still obsessed with Fuuma, but he has other things to occupy his time with.

Some other differences in Subaru and Kamui's backstory to keep in mind: Seishirou was acting like a good guy in Tokyo Babylon. Fate had absolutely nothing to do with his transformation into a bad guy; that's just how he is. Fuuma actually was a good person who had the good persona wiped away and replaced with ... his fated personality, I suppose. I think this explains some of Kamui's stubbornness when it comes to rescuing Fuuma; he knows fate isn't fair and Fuuma was a victim of it.

Subaru has no such delusions. He knows Seishirou was playing him for a fool and he knows he has no regrets about it. It's why his wish isn't to fix Seishirou; it's merely to die at his hands, so he can finally let go of the whole thing.

And Subaru does his best to keep himself at a distance from his fellow Dragons of Heaven for the sake of this endeavor. He doesn't really befriend any of them or spend any real amount of time with them; he knows his wish will bring nothing but pain to anyone that cares for him, so he tries to avoid those attachments. I suspect we wouldn't have heard much from Subaru in this series if he hadn't become unexpectedly attached to Kamui himself.

So, let's get back to their first meeting. Kamui is in a coma and Subaru delves into his memories in order to help him. This isn't the first time Subaru has done this, and there are a few parallels to his previous case to consider with this one.

In volume 2 of Tokyo Babylon, Subaru has to help a woman, Mitsuki, that he once knew that had fallen into a coma after being sexually assaulted. It's implied this is the first time Subaru has entered someone's mind to help them, and he comments it will be easier if she remembers him at least a little. He'd been dreaming of her earlier that very day.

Now, not only does Mitsuki remember him, it's revealed that she's harbored a crush on him since they were children. It's never made very clear whether or not Subaru returns those feelings, although there are some jokes from Seishirou that she is his rival in love. Regardless, Subaru saves a woman that considers him special and only emerges from her coma thanks to Subaru's kind words.

So, when Subaru enters Kamui’s mind, he knows it will be dangerous. Kamui doesn’t know him at all; there isn’t any kind of attachment to make this easier. But the end result is very similar to what we see in Tokyo Babylon: Kamui emerges both because of Subaru’s kind words, but also because he’s found someone that understands the pain he’s been through to some degree. Both Mitsuki and Kamui reverted to childhood in their sorrow as well, a time where things were much simpler and the world easier to understand.

There’s no doubt that Kamui considers Subaru special after this. How could he not? And if we compare Kamui’s case directly with Mitsuki’s there’s at least the implication he may grow to care for Subaru in a similar fashion to Mitsuki. CLAMP went out of there way to draw as many comparisons between Subaru’s past and Kamui’s present as they could within this series, so I think it’s fair to make this assumption.

It's also notable that Subaru's own feelings on the matter are harder to read in both situations. Did he have feelings for Mitsuki or was she simply a treasured friend from his past? Her words had haunted him for years at that point, so her opinion definitely mattered. Likewise, it's harder for us to tell what he thinks about Kamui. We can tell there's a deep bond and affection there, but it's not quite as straightforward.

The hug is actually quite important here. They held one another in the dreamscape and then continued to in reality. This is interesting because neither Subaru nor Kamui are physically affectionate people. Subaru only ever hugged his sister and maintains a kind of no-contact rule with people in general. He never initiated physical contact with Seishirou throughout Tokyo Babylon and definitely doesn't in X/1999. He doesn't go out of his way to pat his fellow Dragons of Heaven on the back the way Sorata does. The only exception is Kamui.

As for Kamui, he just … isn’t affectionate. 8D You’ll recall how crabby he was at the beginning of X/1999. He was pushing everyone away in a misguided attempt at protecting them. Then, one of the only notable times he initiated physical contact was when he held Kotori in his arms and cupped Fuuma’s cheek for the last time, and that was when he was incredibly distressed and finally willing to admit how much he cared about them both.

These are two people he’s known and trusted his whole life, so it makes sense he would allow some physical contact between them. Consider how he reacts to Sorata, Keiichi, evil!Fuuma, and pretty much anyone else that tries to initiate physical contact: it’s met with either confusion, overt hostility, or acceptance without reciprocation. Honestly, Sorata’s gotten all three of these reactions… 8D

The one exception is Subaru, who he not only accepts physical contact from, but will also initiate. So, the two of them are relatively similar in how they approach this, which is something we'll see throughout this review.

While Subaru was in Kamui’s dreamscape, they discuss several important things, such as the fact Kamui is trying to escape reality and the fact nothing will change or improve if he remains in the coma. He also explains his relationship with Seishirou and how things became much worse when he refused to leave the confines of his own mind.

But there’s a small detail CLAMP drops that I always found interesting.

This isn’t meant to show Kamui as naive. On the contrary, this is actually pretty wise and gets back to Subaru’s Shinto roots. Subaru is an onmyoji, a follower of onmyodo, which is a mix of Chinese philosophy (the five elements, yin-yang theory, etc.), Buddhism, and has elements of Japanese philosophy, i.e. Shintoism.

In Shinto, things really do have lives, and they deserve respect. It's yet another demonstration of how the Sakurazukamori are the opposite of the Sumeragi; they use these basic ideals and corrupt them. Things aren’t important, and neither are people.

So, in one fell swoop, Kamui has reminded Subaru of his own philosophy and demonstrated a fundamental difference between his worldview and Seishirou’s. Kamui is approaching things from a similar place Subaru would have when he was younger (it’s hard to say how much faith Subaru has in his own practice at this point; he’s pretty jaded).

Ultimately, Subaru asks Kamui several questions that give insight into both of their mindsets while they're in the dreamscape: If his [Fuuma’s] true self is restored, are you willing to tell him you killed Kotori? Even if it means he’ll hate you? Even if you must shoulder the blame for the rest of your life? Even if no one else will understand what you wished for and the reasons why?

It’s a pretty serious line of questioning because, in all honesty, what Kamui wants is dangerous. There’s no guarantee he can ever have it, and if he does attain his wish, no one will be spared the repercussions of it, least of all himself. In contrast, Subaru’s wish is a lot less destructive for the world as a whole, but he’s still hurting the people who care about him with it. Still, a lot of these questions are probably the same ones Subaru has had to ask himself over and over again. He knows no one will understand his own wish, that he will have to shoulder the blame for it, and that some could even hate him for valuing himself so little. He's making absolutely sure that Kamui understands the repercussions.

The thing is, while Kamui is willing to shoulder all the potential problems that might arise when Fuuma is restored, he's not at all prepared to think about whether this wish is what he actually wants or if it's even worth all the other problems that will arise from it. Subaru doesn't bring any of that up likely because he's never had to think of the whole planet with his wish. This is outside his own experience. He's doing his best for Kamui, but there are some things he simply won't understand. It's why he pointed out that his pain and Kamui's pain are different; there are some things they won't understand about each other, even with these similarities.

Our next important scene with Subaru and Kamui takes on a much less dramatic tone, which is probably for the best; there’s very little chill time in this series. 8D

Kamui has enrolled in high school due to its location being where the sword will be hidden until he has need of it. He visits Kotori’s grave, which is nearby, and then goes to study with Subaru, though a fellow classmate, Keiichi, had been trying to gain his attention.

For one brief, shining moment, it’s as if we’re in a completely different series where the world isn’t about to end…

But the first thing that’s interesting about this is that it means they must be conversing off screen if they’re making plans to meet up, which is a theme that becomes very common with these two. Unlike the bulk of the Dragons of Heaven, Subaru doesn't live in the same dormitory as Kamui, so they’d have to figure out some way of meeting up. I would have liked to see some of that planning and how often they meet up to study, but CLAMP leaves all that to the imagination.

At any rate, Subaru has enrolled in the college and Kamui is worried he will get in trouble for skipping class to help him.

There’s a lot that's wrong with this. First of all, Subaru is only enrolled in college because it’s a good way of tracking down Seishirou, which Kamui swiftly picks up on. This is incredibly sad because throughout Tokyo Babylon, Subaru had been trying very hard to graduate from high school so that he could then go to college and become a zookeeper. This complete lack of interest in college or anything he once cared about is constantly present and goes a long way towards explaining why Subaru cracks as the series progresses.

Kamui is always very quick to figure out when Subaru is thinking about the Sakurazukamori even though, outside of their first meeting, he never directly brings him up of his own accord. There isn’t a single time when Kamui looks happy about it either. The sheer frequency with which Kamui brings up the Sakurazukamori makes me think he’s constantly looking for confirmation that that man really is the only person Subaru cares about, as if Kamui is hoping one day he’ll give a different response.

At any rate, what Kamui is really taking issue with here is Subaru’s smoking and his attachment to the Sakurazukamori. Subaru says he smokes because it makes him more powerful (which is such… a lie? Does he think anyone would actually believe that?) to which Kamui has this as a response:

Kamui appears sad and disappointed at the answer because it is a disappointing answer (and a lie, but I digress) and Subaru looks surprised because… I think he was actually worried Kamui thought he would be ineffective as a Dragon of Heaven due to the smoking, that it would hinder him in battle. The fact Kamui is worried about his health didn’t even cross his mind.

Their exact exchange was this:

Kamui: But… don’t you worry that it’ll–

Subaru: It’s fine. Some people find that smoking weakens their powers, but for me it has the opposite effect.

He doesn’t let Kamui finish his sentence and immediately comes across as a little defensive about the whole thing. So, yeah, Subaru didn’t think Kamui would care because he cares about Subaru. He thought Kamui only cared as the Kamui, his leader. Realizing he was mistaken changes the rest of their dynamic for the duration of their study session. Subaru snuffs out the cigarette and resumes where they’d left off.

We don’t actually get to see the rest of the study session, though it's implied it goes on for a while. Keiichi interrupts things at some point because he is determined to hangout with Kamui. His reaction to Subaru is both amusing and kind of telling.

Keiichi’s repeated apologies to Subaru for interrupting and stealing Kamui away followed up by his comment that Subaru is good-looking to Kamui really makes it sound like he thought he was interrupting a date and/or that he thinks Kamui is interested in Subaru. Especially after he turns it all around by telling Kamui that he's really good looking as well and, as if that wasn’t enough, invites him to his house and offers to tutor him.

Uh… I’m just going to say it. Keiichi has never been subtle in regards to his massive crush on Kamui and he clearly thinks he’s stealing Kamui away from a potential love interest. 8D

My goodness. XD I really don’t think Kamui picked up on any of that dynamic. He just thinks Keiichi is friendly and kind of weird. It’s like Kamui has developed Sakura syndrome and Keiichi is Tomoyo.

As for Kamui, we get an idea of how he views Subaru thanks to this exchange and it's pretty interesting. It also explains pretty much every single one of Kamui's reactions to Subaru and why their interactions go the way they do.

There’s definitely a lot of fondness there. He agrees that Subaru is good looking and we get an actual image of how he sees him: someone who is ethereal, almost untouchable with a very literal barrier (of water from the dreamscape), but he's willing to reach out and bring Kamui to his level. He absolutely views Subaru as a savior because that’s precisely what Subaru did for him. That’s a pretty complicated relationship, quite a bit more complicated than Keiichi is thinking, that’s for sure.

As for Subaru, he resumes his smoking as soon as Kamui is out of sight. I think Kamui suspected that’s why he wanted to stay behind because he looks contemplative when Subaru says he isn’t coming with. Even Keiichi seems surprised. Maybe that’s why he thought he had a chance with Kamui? (Also, Keiichi and Kamui’s interactions kind of deserve their own analysis because he’s Kamui’s one tie to normalcy and Keiichi has a profound attachment to Kamui the second they meet.)

Even so, Kamui's words about smoking being bad for him sticks with Subaru and you can tell he's conflicted about it. He keeps the cigarettes close, but there's less certainty about it than there was earlier in their conversation.

This part in particular is up for interpretation since there’s no dialogue, but to me it reads as Subaru being unable to let Seishirou go, but possibly wishing he were capable of it. He knows his wish will hurt people, and Subaru has never been content with that. This scene also makes me think of Subaru's one-shot chapter, where a woman says only a person with an ill heart can go around thinking only of one person. Subaru knows smoking is bad for him, but he's also already accepted he's "ill."

I’m a little unclear on how much time has passed, but the next time Kamui and Subaru see each other, it’s after Kamui is returning home from Keiichi’s house. He’s attacked by Fuuma and Subaru rushes in to save him.

Subaru legitimately came out of nowhere in this scene. Where was he before? How'd he get there so quickly? I know that the Dragons of Heaven can sense when a kekkai is raised, but Kamui can't raise one, so... I honestly can't remember, can the Dragons of Heaven just sense when Kamui is in danger? Because if not, I really don't know how Subaru knew to be exactly where he was needed.

Regardless, the battle between Fuuma and Kamui was going about as well as it usually does, which is to say absolutely terribly. Subaru gets a kekkai raised, and we actually get to see him use his onmyoji abilities in earnest against Nataku. You have no idea how much I wish we'd gotten to see infinitely more of this.

Unfortunately, Subaru ultimately loses once Fuuma joins the fray, but that’s because Fuuma is, frankly, an OP villain. I have never understood why the villains are so much more powerful than the good guys in this series. That’s just bad game design.

So, Subaru actually manages to capture Fuuma in a kekkai. I’m a little unclear on what the end goal of this was going to be. Annihilating him? Trapping him for good? But we don’t get to find out because Subaru gets lost in visions of Seishirou, the man he wants to kill him. To add insult to injury, Fuuma attacks him the same way Seishirou did when he was 16 and blinds his eye, saying it’s “his wish.” Ever notice Fuuma only seems to grant the really messed up wishes? He doesn’t have to grant all of these. He could focus on some nice ones for a change. Sheesh…

More importantly (as far as this review goes), Kamui is once again in the same situation Subaru was when he was 16. He is being protected by someone who loses their eye and he was powerless to stop it, just as Subaru was all those years ago. The main difference is that back then, Subaru was purposefully allowing someone to take their anger out on him and Seishirou got in the way. Kamui was forcibly restrained from the battle and had no choice but to witness events. It also shows the difference in their personality: Subaru isn't predisposed to fighting and is more than willing to be hurt if it helps another while Kamui is perfectly all right with fighting, he just doesn't want to hurt the other Kamui because it will hurt Fuuma.

There are some other differences as well. When Seishirou’s eye was gouged out he kind of just… walked into the ER? 8D Didn’t comfort Subaru, just casually stopped the woman from attacking him and walked away. So, Subaru’s distress levels were through the roof.

Kamui’s distress levels are also ridiculously high, but once again, Subaru is far more compassionate than Seishirou and I’m sure Subaru can see the parallels here. He knows exactly what Kamui’s going through, and he doesn’t want Kamui beating himself up the way he did to himself all those years ago. He actually stops the gurney in an effort to comfort him.

It definitely helps, but sometimes Subaru is a little too honest with Kamui. He tells him this was his “wish.” Needless to say, that doesn’t exactly ease Kamui’s mind because it raises a lot of questions about Subaru's mental state he probably hadn't even been considering before.

What follows is the most clear cut parallel we’ve ever had between Subaru and Kamui. Subaru’s despair at possibly losing Seishirou when he was 16 is nearly identical to Kamui’s despair at nearly losing Subaru in the present. CLAMP is not doing this accidentally.

This, almost more than anything else, makes me believe that Kamui has feelings for Subaru because there’s not really a reason to include this parallel otherwise. In Tokyo Babylon, after Seishirou lost his eye, Subaru realized he was in love with him. It wasn't right away, but that was the incident that sparked the whole thing.

After Subaru loses his eye, Kamui stays by his side as much as possible. Kamui is never shown to have a sudden revelation he’s in love, but this is where the differences between Subaru and Kamui really become important.

Back then, Subaru was terrified of Seishirou hating him after the eye incident, and I think a lot of that comes down to the fact that Seishirou was trying to win a bet. He proclaimed his love to Subaru all the time, but he was also mysterious and decidedly standoffish. Subaru had a difficult time reading him, therefore he couldn’t predict what Seishirou would think of him afterwards.

Subaru also has a fundamentally different personality to Kamui; he had no awareness of his own feelings toward Seishirou until his sister made him think about it and a stranger said it sounded like he really loved this individual.

Whether Kamui is worried Subaru will hate him is a little unclear, but we do know that one of Kamui’s biggest opinions of Subaru is that he’s very kind. We also know he admires him as the man that saved him and saw him at his worst already. Subaru is always honest and very open with Kamui; there isn’t any additional layer of confusion in this regard (there is confusion about other things, though). The only thing Kamui fears right now is Subaru dying in this situation. He also feels massive guilt for being incapable of helping him. Kamui is taking the blame for this.

Another difference is that Kamui doesn’t have anyone deliberately trying to get him to think about his feelings for Subaru, but I think Kamui is more predisposed to falling for people in general? Or at least more capable of realizing when he has. He loved Kotori and never seemed to be in denial about it from what I can tell. It wasn’t declared in a straightforward manner in the manga, but the series made it apparent enough through other things. Kotori is considered his canonical love interest for this very reason. And I think that’s more or less what we ought to expect in regards to Kamui’s feelings toward Subaru. There isn’t going to be a big revelation; it will simply be.

And part of that quiet revelation is how attached he continues to be to Subaru after this incident.

Subaru is overtly worried about Kamui, probably because he knows how worked up he was over Seishirou himself when it happened, but also because he thinks Kamui hasn't slept. "It's harder for him to bear the wounds to his heart than the wounds to his body." Subaru definitely understands Kamui's pain all too well and he knows that while this particular incident is his own fault, Kamui is the one who will shoulder the blame, just as he did all those years ago.

It's interesting that Kamui asks for permission to visit him again. It definitely implies that maybe he actually is a little worried Subaru doesn't want him around, that he's sending him away because he's upset with him.

Kamui looks quite distressed at first, but one look from Subaru and he knows Subaru isn’t upset with him; he's worried about him.

These two tend to be very quiet around each other as soon as other people are in the room, and both Sorata and Arashi are right there. As soon as they’re alone, they engage in far more intimate conversation. Yet, they appear to be pretty good at silent communication as well and a lot is exchanged in the above panels.

Even if Subaru has forgiven him, Kamui is still plagued by what happened (understandably). He compares it to his failure to save Kotori. Two important people to him are hurt/killed because he couldn’t fight against Fuuma. It’s a powerful dilemma and a powerful comparison.

Still, after a conversation with Sorata, a visit to Kotori's grave, and a conversation with Keiichi, Kamui has renewed hope. He can do something against Fuuma: he can protect the people he cares about. This renews Kamui's determination to learn how to create a kekkai, a plot point that is never actually finished... I honestly wonder if would have learned to create one? And what would have sparked that?

We get a little insight into what Subaru is thinking about events, though. It's about as depressing as you'd expect with the trajectory of this series.

Subaru has a selfish wish. He knows that wish will hurt everyone that knows him and now there are quite a few people who care about him, something he'd been trying to avoid.

Yuzuriha is entirely correct in her analysis here, though for more reasons than she might realize. She's essentially saying that both Kamui and Subaru look down on themselves and try to solve things on their own. It's why she makes them promise to call on her if they need help. But she's also correct in another way: they both have selfish wishes and they're hurting everyone around them for the sake of those wishes. Subaru is hurting people on an emotional level by pursuing death, while Kamui is inadvertently getting people injured and killed for the sake of rescuing Fuuma. The message is clear: if these two could let go of their one "wish" they could finally move on to other possibilities and would be far more effective at saving the world. It's a cruel irony that CLAMP made their kindest character and their hero the most emotionally compromised and the most inadvertently selfish. It's also a little unfortunate that kindness and hope seem to get trampled on so much in this series, but that's a whole separate issue.

Yuzuriha also leaves Subaru with a parting gift and, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she reminds him of his sister just a bit.

The cherry blossoms definitely bring Seishirou to mind as well as Subaru's wish for death, but it also makes me think of Hokuto as well, especially the rabbit plush. It just seems like something she would do. Regardless, Subaru still hasn't moved on.

Kamui engages in yet another battle with Fuuma, which actually goes worse than the last one. Sorata and Arashi aren't as timely as Subaru had been (Dragons of Heaven must simply be able to sense when Kamui is in trouble because they also were no where nearby. Alternatively, Hinoto is just telling them stuff). Fuuma is saying something about eating Kamui's heart. We could put this down as him being a general creep, but there's usually a double meaning with him. Perhaps one of Kamui's wishes is that he just didn't feel anything at all...?

All of this eventually brings us to our next Kamui and Subaru scene. This one has a very quiet, intimate vibe to it, probably on account of it not taking place in a hospital but what I think is Kamui's room?

Kamui has some pretty serious injuries this time around, and we learn that Subaru stayed with him the entire time, just as Kamui did for him at the hospital.

Actually, these two seem a lot closer than they did previously. Is it simply because of Subaru losing his eye? Did that open up a new level of compassion between one another? Was there more off-screen development? My guess is it’s mostly the former, but the latter is a distinct possibility with the way things have been going.

What is plain is that these two are always supporting each other in times of crisis. Not always physically, but emotionally. Subaru in particular is always there to counsel Kamui on whatever issue he wants to discuss while Kamui reminds Subaru that people actually do care about him and Kamui is one of those people.

“And yet, despite all that, I still can’t abandon Fuuma.”

Honestly, I think even Kamui is beginning to wonder if his wish is really worth it. He’s losing all the people he cares about in this pursuit. I genuinely think if Subaru had told him to rethink things here, he might have, because he trusts him and his wish has gotten him absolutely nothing so far.

Unfortunately, Subaru isn’t exactly in a great place to be telling people they need to rethink their life choices, so he doesn’t. Instead, he tries to be encouraging, which is both kind and misguided.

This is a level of emotional and physical intimacy that we just don’t see between any of the nonromantic relationships in this series. It’s actually more touch focused than a great deal of Arashi and Sorata’s interactions and those two actually have a very close emotional connection that develops into a sexual relationship later on in the series, so I have a hard time believing I’m supposed to read this scene as entirely platonic.

But what Subaru is saying is important, even if I think it’s a philosophy that manages to get both him and Kamui into trouble. “Happiness” is basically satisfaction or completion in this context. It’s not necessarily joy. Subaru is essentially telling Kamui that, yes, his wish may be selfish but it’s his. If it is the only thing that can satisfy him, he must pursue it.

Kamui makes no further comment on his own wish; he’s latched onto Subaru’s once more and is bringing Seishirou up yet again. Subaru appears surprised, perhaps because Kamui saw right through him or perhaps because Kamui’s interest in the subject has been so pointed, but he says “yes.”

I really do think Kamui was looking for something from Subaru here that he didn’t quite get. I genuinely believe he’s trying to get confirmation on whether his path is correct or not, but Subaru doesn’t really give him an answer. When that doesn't work, he tries to figure out if Seishirou is really the only thing that can bring Subaru satisfaction, which reveals this is yet another thing that's been on his mind.

That is not acceptance or understanding on Kamui’s face. That is something a little closer to sadness, disappointment, or possibly even anger. He is not pleased with this answer.

There are a lot of layers happening with this conversation and a lot of insinuations, but none of it is ever just laid out for us to see. What seems relatively straightforward to me is that Kamui wishes Subaru would let Seishirou go. He isn’t content with Seishirou being the answer to Subaru’s wish, but he also can’t bring himself to criticize it either. After all, that would be pretty hypocritical; Kamui can’t selfishly pursue his own wish while simultaneously asking Subaru to give up his own for Kamui, but I think there’s a part of Kamui that genuinely wants that to happen.

It also reveals that Kamui does have doubts about the path he's chosen. He never says it outright--he's always vocally determined to save Fuuma--but he's looking to Subaru for guidance on this issue. Not anyone else. Subaru.

So no, Kamui can't reveal that he's unsure about his wish; it's what bonded him and Subaru in the first place. Likewise, he can't ask Subaru to rethink his own wish. What really needs to happen for these two is for them both to give up their current wish to pursue … whatever this is. I’ve talked a lot about Kamui’s feelings for Subaru, but Subaru definitely holds affection for Kamui as well. There would be no reason to hold his hand that way otherwise. And there’s no way Subaru isn’t aware of the parallels; he is definitely occupying a similar role to Seishirou in Tokyo Babylon, that odd mix of mentor and potential love interest. The obvious difference being that Subaru isn’t a psychopathic killer.

Anyway, Sorata and Arashi once again interrupt their odd bonding moment and it’s incredible how swiftly the mood in the room changes. Subaru physically moves away from Kamui, stands at a more respectable distance, and Kamui turns his attention to everyone else. It definitely feels like they aren’t trying to advertise their emotional connection or their problems. Kamui becomes the leader and Subaru becomes another Dragon of Heaven.

Subaru eventually returns to his side when Kamui enters a dream state with Hinoto while the others are there, but he doesn’t say anything further. It’s interesting that Sorata has no issue with hugging Kamui or putting an arm around him when others are around, but Subaru does. Of course, Sorata is simply more demonstrative than Subaru on any given day, but it does feel like quite a stark contrast.

It looks like several days go by between that visit and their next one. Kamui is mostly recovered and heading back to school.

This is so subtle it’s very easy to miss–I did the first couple of times–but Kamui just finished buttoning up his shirt here. He is not inspecting his scars like I initially thought.

How long has Subaru been there? They’re pretty obviously in the middle of a conversation; he didn’t just arrive. It kind of suggests Kamui just… got dressed in front of him, which is definitely a shift. Their general attitudes towards each other are quite different from before as well. The opening panel above shows both of them as seeming more confident than before.

I’m not sure I believe anything untoward happened between them because that would be a pretty drastic shift in dynamics, but if there ever was a point in this series where something more physically intimate occurred (not necessarily anything sexual mind you), it's probably the unseen precursor to this scene. It's CLAMP, so... I guess what I'm saying is that I sometimes just don't know with them. XD

Regardless, all of this reveals, however subtly, a side to their relationship that doesn’t get a whole lot of focus. Namely, all that off-screen bonding I was talking about earlier.

Some of their comfort level is no doubt from the situation being less bleak in general of course. That usually helps.

And then there’s all of this:

Kamui's left arm is giving him a lot more trouble than his right. That explains why he was buttoning up his shirt with just the one previously. But he appears thoughtful, maybe a bit sad, as Subaru helps him with his tie. A lot of that has to do with him not knowing where Yuzuriha is–she could be in grave danger–but I also think some of it has to do with Subaru and Kamui’s feelings toward him. I think it’s safe to say things have entered “complicated” territory. They have a relationship that's incredibly close, but no matter how close Kamui gets to him, there's always a barrier there.

There's also the fact that Kamui always feels guilty when he's incapable of something, so even something as simple as needing help with his tie could be causing him some distress.

So much of what goes on between these two is unspoken. Subaru helping him with his tie is something that doesn’t have to be romantic, but it is a frequently used trope used to demonstrate trust and care, usually between two people who are already together.

If Seishirou and Subaru’s relationship reached it’s culmination after Seishirou lost an eye, I think it’s safe to say that Subaru and Kamui’s is following a similar trajectory, only Subaru didn’t immediately turn on Kamui. Instead, they have time to explore things in a way Subaru never did with Seishirou, whatever that may mean.

Subaru moves things into safer waters from Yuzuriha’s disappearance to Keiichi. He says he will be glad to see Kamui back in school and that he asked Subaru every day if he was all right.

Now, I mentioned earlier that Keiichi definitely thought Subaru and Kamui had something going on and felt he might be stealing Kamui away, but what does Subaru think of Keiichi?

I'd say "curious" but supportive and completely unconcerned about any competition. Honestly, Subaru doesn't strike me as the jealous type, so even if there is something between him and Kamui, I don't think he'd stop Kamui from pursuing something with anyone else. Subaru wouldn't consider himself a great choice; he thinks he's selfish after all.

This is the last normal moment Kamui and Subaru have before Subaru's final confrontation with Seishirou.

I feel relatively safe in the assumption that Subaru was going to say "like you." This is before he even becomes the Sakurazukamori, but he now considers himself selfish and he can't move on from his past whatsoever. He's also lost some of the empathy he had when he was younger; he's definitely kind, but he isn't willing to give everything up for others. He's arguably taken on Seishirou's role with Kamui as well, which I'm sure he has mixed feelings about. And ultimately, he and Seishirou share the same wish: to be killed by the person they love. So, yes, Subaru is definitely different from how he used to be.

It's after Seishirou dies that Subaru really snaps in the series. He was struggling to get by for the majority of it, but this really does it. It’s notable that even now, Kamui restrains himself.

Kamui always holds himself back when it comes to matters involving both Subaru and Seishirou. He never tells Subaru what he thinks of his wish and he doesn’t know how to help him. I think a lot of his resistance to actively reaching out to Subaru on this matter, both physically and emotionally, is out of a misguided sense of respect for him. Subaru knows what he wants and did a great deal for Kamui; Kamui tries to return the favor by giving him distance, but I think distance was the wrong thing to give Subaru. He needs to be dragged into the now and he needs to be reminded that people care. That's a lot to take on though, so I can't blame Kamui for not knowing what to do, especially when he's looking to Subaru for guidance. He doesn't feel like he can take on that role.

Their final parting is tough to watch.

I think this time, Kamui actually is worried Subaru might hate him, because for the first time he’s actually “disrespected” Subaru’s wish. He didn’t let him die with Seishirou when the bridge collapsed. He saved him and that goes against everything Subaru has wanted for the last nine years.

But once again, Subaru misunderstands and I think there’s a part of Subaru that simply can’t accept that Kamui cares for him as a person. He’s stopped caring about himself, so he doesn’t connect the very obvious dots in front of him.

Subaru: You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not going to fall apart.

It could be this is just how Subaru deflects. Rather than discuss what’s really bothering him, he tries to treat Kamui like a leader who is talking to his subject, but that simply isn’t the relationship they ever had, least of all now.

Once again, Kamui gets to the heart of the matter; Subaru is thinking of Seishirou. Everything he's done is for Seishirou, and it's now very apparent Kamui simply can't accept that. He's sorry for it, he knows that if he really wanted to "respect" Subaru he would have let him die, but he couldn't do it.

Even now, Subaru is still trying to explain things to Kamui and still trying to comfort him to a limited degree; Subaru’s not exactly at his best right now, though and it's all pretty dejected. Despite having his wish denied, he doesn't blame Kamui. As he points out a little bit later, some wishes collide. He doesn't hold it against Kamui, though.

Kamui brings up the cigarettes again and this implies the whole thing is still bugging him and that he simply doesn’t understand Subaru’s motivations.

It’s interesting that our only previous glimpse into how Kamui feels about Subaru showed Subaru as being above him, yet reaching out to bring him closer. Here, Kamui literally sits on his knees before him so that Subaru is hovering over him, almost like a king with his subject, and Subaru is metaphorically reaching out to Kamui in an effort to explain himself so that Kamui might understand him.

Subaru explains everything, and essentially tells him he will never understand Seishirou now, never know what he really thought.

I think it’s safe to say that Kamui is feeling similarly about Subaru at the moment--he doesn't feel like he understands him nor does he understand what he's thinking--and once again Subaru is taking Seishirou’s role in a very roundabout way, albeit in a kinder fashion. But there's no doubt that Kamui is giving Subaru power here. Everything about their posture and conversation indicates that. While Subaru sometimes tries to treat Kamui like a leader either as a way of deflecting or because he actually believes that's the right way to handle things, we see here that Kamui absolutely views Subaru as the person with the wisdom and authority to determine things. Maybe not about the fate of the world, that's Kamui's duty, but as far as giving directions? As far as getting a say in what happens next? Absolutely.

And once again, Kamui is looking for something from Subaru he can’t give: he’s asking if what he’s pursuing is “right” and if he should change. Subaru is being given the power to change Kamui’s course and I don’t think he even realizes it.

While looking at their progression, I really think some of Kamui’s steadfast determination to save Fuuma is partially because of how Subaru keeps affirming this belief for him. There were at least two big moments where Subaru could have nudged him in a different direction, but he didn’t take it. Instead, he tries to be encouraging, although this time it’s definitely more fatalistic. Subaru doesn't understand the influence he has over Kamui and that is one of their biggest miscommunications in the series.

Even as lost as Subaru is currently, he still cares about Kamui. He wants him to focus on his own desires, not on him, and he wants him to take care of himself. The problem is that he’s completely missing the fact that Kamui relies on him, cares about him, and would do a lot better if Subaru stayed in some capacity. Instead, he disappears for a month.

Needless to say, Subaru is very much on his mind throughout his absence and Kamui still can't make a kekkai. He thinks about how everyone has something they want to protect, and that's why they can make one. His thoughts lead him right back to Subaru.

This is the person he's thinking about the most while he's visiting Kotori. This is the person he wants to return. And we actually get to see what it is Kamui actually wants for a change:

I don't know if this is the wish Kamui hasn't realized but it's definitely a wish: he wants Subaru to come back. He wants to go out and look for him. He wants Subaru to be capable of caring for someone other than the Sakurazukamori. The implication is that he wants to be important enough to Subaru for him to come back.

Just as Subaru wanted to be important enough to Seishirou for him to acknowledge him, so too does Kamui wish he were important enough for Subaru to do the same.

Kamui continues with "The people I most wanted to protect were Kotori and Fuuma. But Kotori is gone. And now all I want is to get Fuuma back. But... I still can't create a kekkai."

Fuuma is watching this moment through the dreamscape and has this input:

So, protecting Fuuma isn’t his real wish. What is? The only other thing he was thinking about was Subaru, but even I hesitate to say that’s the ultimate wish. I definitely think it's an important, unrealized wish all the same, however. As for Kamui's real wish, I’ve been assuming it was he'd chosen a different side so Fuuma could be spared or possibly that he had died instead of Kotori. CLAMP makes it hard to say for sure.

Anyhow, we finally see where Subaru’s been hiding out for a month plus: the Sakurazukamori’s house. I’m not entirely sure how he found it, but there it is.

Also, Seishirou’s final wish is about as messed up as you’d expect.

Wow, we get weird eye stuff and a dose of stalker possessiveness. 8D CLAMP outdid themselves. I can't even...

And as if that wasn't enough, we get this:

D-do I even want to know what that means? The context of this is incredibly bizarre. He’s talking about how Seishirou was upset another man hurt Subaru. The only person that’s been hurting Kamui is him.

Am I supposed to assume Fuuma wants to prevent anyone else from leaving any kind of mark on Kamui? Is that supposed to be a reference to an actual person? The only person I could think of is Subaru as far as who's been interacting with him, and I’m not actually sure that makes sense. 8D Is he talking about the original Fuuma? He’s jealous of himself? Or possibly even Kotori? Or am I supposed to assume Fuuma just wants to mark Kamui as his with another freaky eye exchange? CLAMP… Why…

Anyway, Subaru takes the eye because he’s been making a series of bad decisions and he isn’t about to let up now.

The next time we see Subaru, he has decided to do nothing, which is basically what he’d decided to do beforehand, only now he has Seishirou’s eye and is willing to watch events unfold. We see that there’s a little tension between him and Fuuma, which is… hardly surprising all things considered.

It’s interesting that Fuuma says Seishirou has been very selfish when it comes to Subaru. That would be pretty obvious to the audience, but Subaru is surprised by this assessment. Seishirou is preventing Subaru from achieving his “wish,” i.e. death and he’s also preventing him from connecting with other people. That’s the height of selfishness.

It is strange hearing this from Fuuma when he is being equally awful, however, which is probably why Subaru points out that wishes are something only Fuuma knows to begin with in what can only be described as an annoyed fashion.

We know Subaru has been on Kamui’s mind (a lot) and it looks like Kamui has been on Subaru’s as well.

Subaru does care about Kamui is the thing, which is why it's doubly strange seeing him as a Dragon of Earth. He doesn't want Kamui hurt, but he claims he's not going to be involved. Can that really be the case if he genuinely cares about someone on the opposite side?

Interestingly, he avoids the subject. He's always been private when it comes to Kamui and it looks like that isn't about to change here, especially when he's talking to the man who has tormented him so much.

The next time Kamui sees Subaru is in the midst of battle with Fuuma and Kamui definitely feels betrayed.

Subaru's presence here is a little strange and I think the only reason he's shown up at all is because he cares about Kamui, just like Fuuma said. He's not showing it in the best way, but...

At long last, Subaru tells Kamui what he needed to hear ages ago and using the opportunity he's been given many times, but never used. Kamui needs to rethink some things and saving Fuuma isn’t what he really wants.

And the thing is, Kamui listens. The final chapter ends with Kamui remembering Karen’s words and finally trying to piece together what might actually be going on and it’s all because Subaru finally stepped in and offered an actual opinion. That's the level of influence Subaru has over Kamui and I'm still not sure Subaru has figured that out.

So, how would things have progressed with Subaru and Kamui after all this? Obviously, there’s no way to say for sure. If CLAMP wanted to draw the final parallel between the Subaru/Seishirou relationship and the Subaru/Kamui relationship, then it’s quite possible Subaru will die at Kamui’s hands. Another possible parallel is that one of them realizes they love the other, but only when it's too late. But the thing is, while there are parallels between these relationships, their differences are far more profound and these two never had the kind of relationship where one would ever want to kill the other.

Even with Subaru’s betrayal, I doubt Kamui wants to see harm come to him; he’s still looking to him for guidance and support. He no doubt wants Subaru to come back. It's what he's been wanting ever since he left.

Rather than Kamui killing Subaru, it’s much more likely Subaru would sacrifice himself for Kamui, possibly as his final wish. It’s also possible Subaru decides to rejoin the Dragons of Heaven because there really isn’t any reason he has to be with the Dragons of Earth? He’s not a fan of Fuuma, he has no attachment to the people there. He’s just there for the sake of Seishirou’s memory. Undoubtedly there would be some conversation(s) between Subaru and Kamui even with them being on opposite sides. This wasn't supposed to be the final battle; Kamui doesn't die here. For all we know, that sword Fuuma's been holding up for years never strikes Kamui; it could hit someone that flings themselves in front of Kamui or it could be blocked or any number of things. But it isn't the end.

Furthermore, there's still the matter of Kamui learning to make a kekkai. It would be very strange if CLAMP never gave him a reason to create one. The issue Kamui is having is that the people he wanted to protect in the world are already gone. He needs some other reason or person to create a kekkai. This means he needs to realize an attachment to a person he didn't realize he had. I'm just saying, Subaru is a good choice for that.

And like Kamui, I have to wonder if there’s anything out there Subaru would be willing to protect. The likeliest candidate is Kamui himself.

Now, I would personally like a much happier ending to this manga than I think we were likely to get, but whatever the ending, I don’t think CLAMP was going to drop the exploration they had going of Kamui and Subaru’s relationship. It didn’t dominate the series, but it also got a lot more focus than they needed to give it. It was important and it was unique and I think their bond could have continued to grow if the world had been a little kinder to them and if they’d both been willing to move on a little sooner.

And that’s all for now. This turned out to be very long. I will now proceed to content myself with writing more fanfic. 8D

#long post #x1999 #x #subkam #ship manifesto #subkam ship manifesto #sumeragi subaru #shirou kamui #Bemused's post #This took so much time...#I really hope the pictures loaded in correctly 8D

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darecruit · 3 years ago

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Sneak Peek #2: Chapter 17

So this peek is in between the two scenes from the first look, which can be found here. I thought there needed to be a POV from Shelby and then Quinn. Quinn will have a bit more to say before we then move onto Rachel at the park. Enjoy!

“Rachel’s still in a lot of trouble,” Shelby said, her mood darkening. Rachel had a lot to account for, no matter what else happened between the girls. And whatever had pushed things over the edge, the fight had been brewing within her daughter for more than a week now. Whether it stemmed from Rachel’s growing jealousy or perhaps even another subconscious test of the rules and boundaries, Shelby knew she’d have to prove to her daughter that she was here, there was permanence to her presence, and that there would always be consistency and security wherever and whenever she was involved.

“Okay,” Jack appeased, his tone gentle. “Okay. Just…Just make sure you’re calm when Rachel gets home, so you can talk it out before anything else.”

It was Shelby’s turn to sigh. She nodded to her brother’s words. “I know. I will be. I’m just…frustrated. I feel like we’ve been going in circles these last two weeks. She’s struggling with some jealousy and I’ve been doing my best to help with that, but her behavior recently…I won’t let her get away with how she’s been acting.”

“I understand that, Shel. And you shouldn’t let her get away with being rude or disrespectful. I’m just saying, you can’t be angry when she gets home and the two of you sit down to talk. It doesn’t help you and it won’t help her, she’ll only get defensive and argue back.”

“I know, Jacky. I’ll calm down. I promise,” Shelby agreed. “Thank you for going to get her.”

“Any time, baby sister. I’ll make sure she’s calm before bringing her home too. And maybe I can get her to open up to me a bit. I’ll do whatever I can to help, you know that.”

Shelby smiled and rose up on her tip-toes to place a kiss on her brother’s cheek. “I know,” she repeated. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Jack said, offering a brief one-armed side hug before heading to the door. “I’ll be back soon.”

Shelby watched him leave and then took a deep breath; she held it for a moment, then blew it out through her mouth, letting her cheeks puff up with the release. As she turned towards the kitchen where the remainder of her guests were, her eyes immediately fell on the pair of sisters standing nervously next to her mother; Shelby could feel the tension coming off them in waves. She made a beeline for them, wanting to save them any further unease.

“Hey,” she sighed in greeting, offering a warm smile to both blondes. Frannie returned it with an expression of unparalleled relief, while Quinn avoided eye contact; the girl stood rigid, on guard. Shelby automatically reached a hand out to lay on a tense shoulder, squeezing in sympathy and comfort.

Quinn startled at the touch, cautiously meeting Shelby’s eyes. The look she received in return, one of earnestness and compassion, was too much. Her own filled with tears that she furiously tried to blink away.

“Oh, honey,” Shelby cooed, pulling the blonde teenager into her arms for a hug. She found herself rubbing the girl’s back while resting her chin atop the girl’s head. “Don’t cry. I’m so sorry things have turned out this way. Rachel had no right to speak to you the way she did today—or for the way she’s been treating you the last few days. I promise I’m going to talk with her and set things straight, and she will personally apologize to you later today as well.”

Shelby’s words, coupled with the way she was lovingly holding her, cradling her almost, was more than Quinn could bear. Quinn didn’t deserve any of this, not the hug or the nice words—certainly not the way Shelby was looking at her. It was a mother’s love, something that Quinn had missed these last two years and yearned for. Her guilt was growing at an alarming rate, becoming overwhelming. She could feel it vibrating inside her chest, trying to escape. She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t…Shelby would never look at her this way again if she knew…And yet, there was no doubt in Quinn’s mind that the gig was up. Shelby was going to find out today. Surely Rachel would tell her, after this…

Quinn frowned. If Rachel was going to tell, why didn’t she do it as soon as the adults opened the door to the basement, when they heard all the yelling? Why did she run? Quinn didn’t understand any of it—if the situation had been reversed, she would have ratted Rachel out at the first opportunity she got. Rachel continued to keep quiet—why? She squeezed her eyes shut, her thoughts racing, and buried her head in Shelby’s chest. She was going to soak up every bit of this moment, as long as she could.

“Just what has Rachel been doing to this poor girl, Shelby?” Diane demanded, and Shelby groaned into Quinn’s hair. How had she forgotten that her mother was right there?

Shelby pulled back from Quinn, cupping the girl’s cheek for the briefest of moments as she gave her an encouraging smile, then turned towards her mother. “Mom—”

“Where is Rachel, by the way?” was Diane’s next question.

“Jack left to go pick her up,” Shelby said without thinking.

“She ran off?” Diane’s voice rose in volume and Shelby internally cringed. She knew where this was going and she wanted nothing more than to stop it in its tracks.

“Mom, now’s not the ti—”

“How exactly did you handle this situation before when she ran off in New York? You never would tell me. Seems to me you didn’t discipline her at all and now she’s got it in her head that she can go and do whatever she pleases,” Diane ranted.

“Mom! It’s none of your business how I handle anything when it comes to my daughter and we are not—”

“I have a right to be concerned about my granddaughter! You are so new to this, Shelby. You need to listen to me when I say you have to be that girl’s mother, not her friend. There’s time for friendship later. Right now what she needs is boundaries and discipline—”

“I’m giving her that!” Shelby yelled.

Diane raised an eyebrow, shifting her weight to one side as she moved to cross her arms, and leveled Shelby with a look that had the younger woman seething. She was a grown-ass woman, completely capable of raising her child and making the right choices for herself and her daughter; she didn’t need her mother butting in with her self-righteousness.

“That girl is in dire need of a damn good spanking…and I’m not so sure you aren’t either, Shelby Elizabeth,” Diane’s tone had turned to ice, Shelby’s insides with it.

Shelby could feel her face heating up as her heart began to race. Her palms felt sweaty and her stomach was doing backflips. Suddenly, she was a sixteen-year-old girl again staring back at her mother in consternation at the very thought of facing a spanking. Wait a minute…Shelby shook her head to clear it, and reality settled back around her—and with it, her indignation.

Before Shelby could open her mouth to tell her mother what she was in dire need of, Sarah all but materialized beside her, squeezing her shoulder as she moved in between the two Corcoran women.

“Mom, I need your help,” Sarah began, “Lauren just texted asking for your potato salad recipe and of course, I never remember it off the top of my head and—” She steered Diane away from Shelby and the Fabray sisters as she spoke, turning back to give Shelby a thumbs up behind the matriarch’s back. Shelby mouthed a ‘thank you’ in return and Sarah winked.

With a long sigh, Shelby returned her attention to the two blondes beside her. “I am so sorry for all of that,” she tilted her head in the direction her mother had gone.

While Frannie offered a somewhat uncomfortable but supportive smile, Quinn stared back with wide, unbelieving eyes. What the hell just happened? It was like information overload. And it definitely didn’t help her guilt any. Was Rachel going to be spanked for this? Her own parents were believers in it for very serious misbehavior (lying, disrespect…bullying), but Shelby wasn’t the sort to…was she?

#open arms #chapter 17 #Shelby #Rachel #Diane Corcoran #Corcoran family #Quinn #Frannie Fabray

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dragonagecompanions · 5 years ago

Note

How would the companions react to finding out the inquisitor’s family abused them? Bonus points if they’re a Trevelyan and it comes to light during that war table quest or similar Inquisition business.

Abuse mentions, so read at your own comfort.

Cassandra: As a Seeker -and someone who has devoted her life in one way or another to the art of both peace keeping and war- Cassandra Pentaghast is not a stranger to the cruelties people can inflict on each other. Her own parents chose ambition and the allure of power before family, and it was only their youth and the affection of their uncle and paterfamilias that spared both of their children the punishment for treason. Home is not always safe, and the farther up the social ladder one climbs the truer that becomes. Abuse- be it physical, emotional or even sexual- is an open secret among far too many ‘noble’ houses.

Hearing that it affected the Trevelyan’s does not surprise Cassandra. This does not stay either her anger or her blade. When it comes to light just how bad their childhood was, the Right Hand of the Divine is more than willing to work with both Cullen and Leliana to make sure the family never hurts the Inquisitor again.

Solas: Cruelty is an evil unbound by time. He’d always known it, but there is still a shadow is disappointment when it is brought to light so suddenly here. The Inquisitor has fought for them all, bearing the pain of a magic never meant for mortals and the burden of saving their entire world on too young shoulders with a grace that defies their age. Knowing that they have done so despite efforts to break the foundation of their youth by those whom they should have been able to trust is...infuriating.

It doesn’t matter that the Heralds quest is noble but futile before his own plans, or that their abuse at the hands of family is another link in the chain of his justification. The Rift Mage may intend to destroy this world in due course, but for the moment he has sworn his aid to their leader. And if that means calling on aid from both sides of the veil to ensure that they are kept safe he will do it gladly.

He was not called Dread, after all, for nothing.

Varric: Skyhold’s current author is resident has a theory he’s been working on for awhile now, and it can be summed up very simply: heroes aren’t formed without a tragic backstory. The Warden is a good example, and thanks to yours truly Hawke’s own grief stricken tale is well known. So finding out that the current leader of the largest paramilitary group in Thedas comes from what could arguably be called a broken home isn’t terribly surprising. You have to understand suffering, after all, to want to stop it.

That doesn’t make him any less happy about it, and while on the surface it looks like he only fumes quietly and writes a lot of letters...well, in reality that’s what he does. As tempting as the daydream of taking Bianca to the cruel and deluded backwater nobles who thought that abusing a child to form them into the proper image is, the start reality is that it wouldn’t accomplish much. But the Trevelyans are Free Marchers, and when the last link of Bertrand’s sanity snapped- and ended a chain of abuse that Varric frankly would like to avoid talking about- he inherited a sizable amount of power with the Merchant Guild. It means his influence is slightly less hands on, but he can hit the nobility where it really hurts.

And if they are ever stupid enough to try and continue their abuse in Skyhold? Then it’s Bianca’s turn to....influence.

Sera: Even big people can feel like little people when they are little and the people who are supposed to protect them act like complete shiteheads. And even when you aren’t little, being scared can make you feel little, yeah? The Inquisitor’s the biggest person around, but inside their like one of her little people-- and Sera protects her own. Pranks are nice, and she prefers arrows to talking endlessly, but this is more serious.

Working with the other Jennies can be complicated, and its even worse that she can’t just sketch it out like her network. The Baker who is her contact in Ostwick has a stick up his arse and wants proper correspondance, so she sits down and writes out what se wants, and then takes it to Dorian and has him add some stupid noble shine.

Her other people will handle their end. And if they ever decide to show up there and go after her Herald? Arrows.

Vivienne: Abuse in noble houses is not an unknown event to the Lady of Iron, but long before her rise to court and intrigue Vivienne saw far too much of it in the circles. Mage children were all to often a bane to families-- destined to go to a circle they could not add to the house hold and could spell trouble if the family was caught hiding them. This all too often brewed resentment, and by the time Templars came to collect the youngsters a life locked behind stone walls away from all they had known was often a mercy.

But whether their Trevelyan inquisitor is a mage or not is of no consequence. The child who was no doubt once a whipping post for a noble family- to beat into a desired shape no matter the consequence- is now on a meteoric rise. And Madame de Fer knows enough about politics to suspect that their Herald’s family will not stay absent for long. Knowing this story of their early life may not be a surprise, but that does not mean the Imperial Enchantress intends to allow the Trevelyans access to her charge. Let them try to approach, if they dare.

They have not yet seen abuse.

Blackwall: He has caused enough suffering to children in his life without intent that can never be atoned for, and that haunts the would be Warden. Callier and his family had suffered and died, and while he had not meant it to happen he would carry the burden all his life. But the idea of tormenting a child purposefully, and doing it for months or years? It infuriates him. Thom Rainier was only ever a soldier, and Blackwall offers little more political clout. He has no network to call on, no secret societies to help get a revenge well earned.

But he has a sword, and a shield, and a willingness to protect their leader. If the Trevelyans ever come sniffing around, they will live just long enough to regret it.

Dorian: It would be almost criminal to compare a childhood of distant affection and disappointment to that of consistent and methodical abuse, and the Scion of House Pavus would bristle at the very idea that he had suffered any sort of ‘abuse’ at the hands of Halward Pavus. No matter the truth of what had happened, Dorian would much rather discuss what to do about their leader’s current situation than ancient history, thank you ever so much.

And if his palms sweat and his heart races when Sera brings him the news, and he has to force his mind to work to make sure her letter is what she wants when all his mind is screaming for is a bottle of wine and a few moments alone with his staff and the people who had tormented the gentle leader who had taken in a Tevinter despite perhaps better judgement, well. That is no business but his own. He will not act on it, not yet. But should the occasion call for the resident evil ‘Vint to stand between their Herald and the ones who just might haunt their own dreams?

Vitae Benefaria.

The Iron Bull: He’d known, of course. He’d known long before the intelligence left in dead drops detailed the open secret in Ostwick, before his own people could confirm what his eye had already told him. Abuse among children is almost unnheard of among the Qun-- Tamassrans are made so because they are intended for that role, and those who would not thrive caring for children are not put in the position of caring for them. But it was all too common among the Viddathari, and as a Ben-Hassrath trained in the minute detail of behavior and its causes a personality shaped in part by childhood abuse was not a hard thing for him to see signs of.

Of all the companions however, the Iron Bull is likely the only one among the Inner Circle to approach their leader. The thirst for revenge is all well and good on a personal level, but killing or maiming or even simply frightening the family of their leader might not be the best thing for someone who has likely never had the chance to deal with their childhood. It is painfully common for such things to be a secret kept through out a whole life, but in order to know the best steps to take against the potential abuser it’s vital to know the extent of the abuse.

Its a painful conversation, and he certainly brings alcohol no matter the inquisitor’s age. But by the end of it they can both agree on the best plan going forward, and that is exactly what Bull needs. Killing, threatening or leaving them be, he can roll with it. Asit Ta-leb.

(But later, if he needs time to recite the Cantos, to remind himself that there is no struggle, the tide rises and falls for hours before the Blood lust and instinct of a reaver to protect one’s own fades....well. That’s no ones business but his own.)

Cole: It hurts, and it tangles with other hurts in a knot. Pulling one string pulls the other strings, and not all of them hurt, and it confuses him. Sometimes there are happy times around the bad times, and sometimes the happy times are the bad times, and there’s too much to untangle to heal the hurt. He wants to kill the ones who caused the bad times and the pain, but they are the same ones who caused the good times. He’s lost He wants to help. But helping can hurt.

So he finds them a hat, because hats are good. And it helps.

-- Mod Fereldone

#dragon age inquisition #Cassandra Pentaghast #Varric Tethras #cole #warden blackwall #dorian pavus #the iron bull #Solas #sera #vivienne de fer #dragon age reactions

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writingfromkitchenator · 4 years ago

Text

A Not So Dreamless Sleep ~ Part 3

A Crowley x Winchester!Sister OC

Lucy Winchester wakes up to a normal life, a life she had always wanted with a loving partner, a solid career with her brother, and a family that is complete. The problem is, she’s knows that it was wrong, a feeling nagging away in the back of her mind, and once she figures out what is going on, the consequences bring up a whole new set of problems that she wasn’t quite ready to deal with.

Part 1 | Part 2

This is an 18+ story. Warnings below.

Series Warnings: Suicide, talk of suicide (fair warning, the suicide isn’t technically real in the context of the story), angst, violence, torture, severe injuries, near death experiences, NSFW content, unprotected sex, fingering, plenty of fluff and teasing, mutual pining, minor touch starvation.

Words: 9,907

Part Warnings: Mild angst, mentions of wounds, character death, NSFW content, unprotected sex, fingering, plenty of fluff and teasing, mutual pining, minor touch starvation.

Part 3

Something felt weird as Lucy stirred from sleep. She felt too comfortable, too at peace and warm…why was she so warm?

Moving slightly, she registers being buried underneath a duvet, a large, fluffy, duvet, and before she can help it, she yawns widely, reluctant to open her eyes.

She’d been through this before.

Lucy opened her eyes and recognised the room before her. Sitting up, she looks around, the bed empty next to her, and her heart starts to beat a little faster.

This wasn’t real.

Letting out a deep breath, Lucy cautiously gets to her feet, wondering what to expect this time, her frown deepening as she heads down the stairs, trying to remember going after another Djin but coming up blank.

The sound of crying reached her, making her pause at the bottom of the stairs.

No…this was her nightmare again.

Slowly, her hand reached up and touched the back of her head, her fingers coming back covered in blood.

She lets out a shaky breath, telling herself that it wasn’t real, that this was just remnants from whatever the Djin had done to her, but it was a hard feeling to shake. Lucy had expected it to get easier as time went on, but she already felt her chest starting to ache, knowing what she was about to see.

Lucy stood there for a long time, debating whether or not she could go through that again, but as if the whole thing was out of her control, her feet carried her forward.

Crowley was sitting at the table, his head in hands, sobbing, Juliet’s head resting in his lap, completely still, just watching him, her ears back.

Lucy wanted to say something, wanted to try and snap him out of this state of grief, but she knew it was pointless, she’d spent many nights trying, many nights crying along with him, but it all seemed to fall on deaf ears. She had never expected this kind of thing after escaping a Djin, had thought that that existence would be over, and yet, here she was again, and she still had no explanation as to why.

Sighing, Lucy sits at the table, surrendering herself to another night of this, dread sitting in her heart that she knew it was going to get worse. It hadn’t originally, although they still hadn’t been pleasant, but it was like her mind was punishing her for wanting this in the first place.

“Can you blame me?” She asked herself angrily, as if her subconscious would listen. “Can you really blame me for wanting something normal? I’m not stupid, I know my reality, but that doesn’t mean you can’t want something else too.”

She kept her gaze away from Crowley, knowing that it only seemed to make things worse, that it seemed to make things move quicker. It broke a small part of her to see him like this all the time, real or not, and she knew that that was from the depths of her feelings, no matter how much she told herself that she should be ignoring those too.

Lucy leans back in the chair and stares at the ceiling, a defeated set in her shoulders, bitterness in her words. “You could just get on with this you know? There’s no point in dragging it out and making yourself suffer any longer.”

The only answer she received was Crowley continuing to cry.

“What is the point of showing me this again and again and again?” She asked, closing her eyes. “Is this punishment for everything I’ve done? I haven’t gone to Hell or been possessed by archangel, instead I get these god awful dreams from a damned Djin memory that just keep happening night after night after night?”

She felt sick, her stomach twisting over and over. Had the initial dream been different, had she realised sooner that she was trapped by Djin, then she wouldn’t have done it the way that she had, she would’ve made sure that she was alone, but she knew once she realised that time would be short, that either the Djin would notice or she would die.

Now this nightmare was the result.

Sighing, she tries to force herself to wake up, hoping that this time would be different.

Crowley’s crying had turned to deep shuddering breaths and she knew that it was only going to be a matter of time before the next steps happened, her feet always frozen in place, no matter where she followed him too.

Only, this time, it seemed it was different.

There was the creak of a door and Lucy cautiously looked up, this having never happened before, and she wondered just what her mind was going to throw at her next.

It seemed Crowley had also heard the door creak, looking up from the spot on the table, his eyes red, his voice hoarse. “Hello?”

Lucy had never been on her feet so quickly in the dream before, Juliet growling by Crowley’s feet, Abaddon standing there grinning at them.

“What the fuck?” Lucy said. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Abaddon’s grin turned purposefully to her, her eyes shifting black. “You knew this would’ve happened eventually cupcake, no matter how perfect a life it was before.”

“No!” Lucy tried to move as Abaddon went for Crowley, but her feet were firmly stuck to the ground.

Abaddon’s winks at her, her grip tight on the front of Crowley’s suit, Crowley struggling against the hold. “Just take solace in that this would’ve happened with or without you here.”

Lucy fought and struggled as Abaddon started to laugh, a scream rising in her throat, helpless to do anything.

The dream swirled around her and Lucy’s scream continued in pain, her body arching, hands holding her down, shouts all around her that were nonsensical, alarmed, and tears sprung to her eyes before she could make any sense of it all.

“She’s seizing!”

“We need to stabilize her!”

“Her vitals are crashing!”

Lucy plunged back into darkness.

It was some time before she could process what had happened, sometime before her mind caught up with what her body was telling her, and once she had, it took a while before she find a way of comfortably dealing with it.

She was close to death, clearly what was happening outside, was keeping her alive, but for how long, or whether she’d recover, she didn’t know.

There was no acknowledgement of time, so she didn’t know how long she’d been like this, or how long her body had been recovering, but she was glad that there was at least some relief, apart from the initial one she had, there’d been no more nightmares.

A part of Lucy wondered why there was no Reaper to convince her that she was dying, that she had to let go, not that she would, she would much prefer living despite having accepted death in that initial moment, but still, she wondered.

There wasn’t a lot to do in her own little world either, and without the conscious knowledge of the passage of time, she often found herself wandering aimlessly, or sitting down and thinking about how long she’d been sitting there, before having to move again. It was a restless boredom sometimes, and for all the knowledge she had, she didn’t think that there was a way out of this.

In what felt like a small eternity later, sitting out on the swing on the porch in a sunset, something finally changed.

“I’m out here Crowley,” She said quietly, watching the door open out of the corner of her eye, a hesitant Crowley stepping out. “I was wondering if I’d eventually have some sort of visit.”

Crowley frowns, carefully looking her over. “You’re…aware that this is just in your head?”

Lucy nods. “It took a little bit, but yeah.”

He screws his nose up a little and looked around the porch. “And you chose to stay here ?”

She chuckles lightly and pats the swing next to her. “It was the only home I ever really knew, no matter how little or how much time I spent here, it was the most consistent. I’m sure Bobby wouldn’t mind.”

Crowley sighs and sits next to her on the edge of the swing, looking uncomfortable. “Then why haven’t you come back?”

“I don’t know how,” She admitted. “And it’s not for lack of trying either. I guess a part of me is just not quite ready for it.”

He makes a thoughtful noise and follows her gaze out to the sunset, which wasn’t moving.

Lucy gives a soft sigh. “What are you doing here Crowley? I take it you got away from Sam and Dean?”

“Was there a doubt I would?” He asked, glancing at her, but then went silent for a long moment as he thought about her other question. “Honestly…I don’t know.”

She nods and stands. “Did you want a drink? It mightn’t be real, but it still tastes the same, and I find feeling normal is better for dealing with all this.”

Crowley shakes his head, but then quickly grabs her hand as she goes to walk away, making them both freeze for a moment, before he slowly lets his hand drop. “Please…stay…”

Lucy takes a breath, and then smiles at him. “It’s not like I can go far.” She returns to her seat and waits for a moment, but when the silence drags on, she decides to break it. “How are things out there?”

“Not good,” He said, avoiding her gaze. “You probably don’t remember the angels falling, but their system is now as chaotic as what Hell’s has become.”

“Abaddon?” Lucy said.

Crowley nods slowly. “She didn’t take me surviving too kindly and my own alliances seem far and few between now, I can’t say I’m a fan of being on the run again.”

“Can you risk being here then?” She said worriedly. “Crowley, you need to-”

“I needed to know,” He said, cutting her off. “I-I needed to know that you were alright. Your brothers wouldn’t tell me.”

“Well, here I am,” She said with a small smile, which faded once he shot her a slightly annoyed look. “Out there though, I wouldn’t have a clue.”

Crowley drew in a deep breath and let out slowly. “I’m not about to admit that I…may have gotten that information, but…” He glances at her. “You were lucky that your leg was a clean break, although it’ll take a while to heal, the arm however, they’ve had to put multiple plates and bolts in to keep it together, how you managed to move it in that fight at all is a mystery to me but-”

He paused, realising that she was listening to him intently, and it took him a moment before he could continue.

“The worst wound was from the knife,” He said a little slowly. “It punctured your lung and scraped against your heart. You were…well, lucky doesn’t quiet cover it.” The next words came quickly. “What were you thinking going against Abaddon like that?”

Lucy shrugs, tucking her legs up on the swing. “I’m a Hunter, it’s what I do.”

Crowley shakes his head. “No, this was more than that, I saw the way you fought in there, that wasn’t-wasn’t normal.”

“I…” Lucy sighed and looked away from him. “What did you want me to do Crowley? Just sit back and let her do whatever she wanted to you? She would’ve killed you if I hadn’t…and then who knows what she would’ve done to-to Sam and me after that. I could hardly let that happen.”

There is an odd silence between the two of them, Crowley watching her.

“At the cost of your own life,” Crowley’s voice was quiet. “You saved mine?”

Lucy shrugs it off. “Just repaying the favour.”

“It’s not the first time you’ve done it though.”

She went still and gave him a cautious sidelong look. “What do you want me to say Crowley?”

“You tried to talk Sam out of doing it,” He said. “And you didn’t want to be involved in the first place.”

“I was-I was trying to save Sam’s life,” She couldn’t look at him. “And I’d just survived that damn Djin, I hardly needed a world ending crisis on…on…”

Crowley’s hand rested atop hers, stopping her. “Lucy…”

She looked at him, nervousness in her gaze, and the two of them sit there for a long moment, wondering what to say next. It dragged into an odd awkwardness and Crowley finally cleared his throat, moving his hand away.

“I’m glad you’re alright, even if it is in here.” He said softly, looking away. “I wish I could do more for you, it doesn’t feel right, not having you out there.”

“I’m sure I’ll be on my feet again in no time,” She said. “And thank you…for saving me.”

Crowley pauses and nods. “You’re welcome.”

Lucy licks her lips and decides to change the subject. “So…how do you beat a Knight of Hell? She seemed rather a pain in the arse to kill.”

“Your brothers are working on that,” Crowley said, seeming to relax a little. “There’s certainly no easy way of doing it, but it seems your brothers are as stubborn as ever about it.”

“Well, I have to agree on being stubborn about this one,” She smiled at him when he frowns a little at her. “Can hardly have someone that psychotic running Hell, I don’t think it would be good for business.”

Crowley chuckles after a moment and nods, leaning back on the swing. “Indeed, none of it has been pleasant. There’s going to have to be a lot of correcting once I’m back.”

“Do you want to go back?” She asked the question before she thought about it, heat creeping into her cheeks as she quickly shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s alright,” Crowley said. “In all honesty, I’ve been asking myself the same question.”

Lucy looked at him curiously. “Is this really the same demon I first met when he was just King of the Crossroads?”

He gives a soft laugh, shaking his head. “I think I’ve spent too long around you, you’ve changed me.”

“Not too much I hope,” Lucy nudges him slightly. “I’d still like to think you’d turn someone to dust if they pissed you off.”

“No, that I’d have no problem with.”

The two of them laugh after a moment and the silence that falls is much more comfortable for a moment, until both of them begin to think again.

Crowley clears his throat. “I probably shouldn’t stay too much longer, I’d hate to think of putting you in more danger than you’re already in.”

Lucy nods slowly. “Yeah…I guess that bitch burning my tattoo off hasn’t really helped that situation.”

“I could help with that,” He said quietly. “If you wish.”

He moves before she can answer and Lucy stills as his hand rests on her forehead, a warmth creeping through her for a moment before easing away.

“It looks like I didn’t have much of an option,” She chuckles lightly, seeing his slightly nervous expression. “Although, I would’ve thought that it would be better once you were out my head?”

Crowley brushes a strand of her hair back lightly, taking a small breath. “I have a few more moments, but no other demon will be able to touch you now. I…can, but with your permission.”

Lucy leans into his hand slightly, his thumb brushing along her cheek, before he seems to think better of it and stands quickly, avoiding her gaze. “I should go.”

“Crowley,” He pauses as she stands after him, glancing back at her. “Thank you.”

He nods slowly, uncertain.

She hesitates a moment, before resting a gentle hand on his arm and placing a soft kiss on his cheek. “I mean it. Stay safe out there.”

All he can do is nod again, the rest of him standing very still as she smiles slightly at him and walks past, going inside, Crowley gone by the time the door had closed.

Lucy didn’t know whether Crowley would come back at all, but it had helped put her mind a little ease, knowing that he, Sam and Dean were, for the most part, alright, and somehow, she had the thought that this was easing her recovery on the outside world, that her body had relaxed without the threat there and giving itself time to heal.

As aches and pains began to settle back in, she knew it wouldn’t be long before she’d be back to consciousness.

It didn’t seem like too much longer and soon she was jerking awake in a hospital bed, choking momentarily on the tube down her throat before she managed to relax, waiting for a nurse to come in.

Lucy couldn’t move much, even after they removed all that they had to and did an initial check over. Even if her arm and leg still hadn’t been in casts, she doubted she would’ve been back on her feet right away, her body aching from having been motionless for so long, and they warned her, even as she asked for a phone, that it would be some time before she would be able to move about.

“Hello?”

“Hey little brother,” Lucy said a little tiredly on the phone. “You boys been keeping busy without me?”

“Lucy?” Sam exclaimed on the other end of the line. “Holy shit, you’re awake?”

“No, I’m calling from my coma.” She chuckles. “Has it really been that long since you’ve heard my voice?”

“You’ve been out for three months you crazy bitch,” Dean’s voice cut in. “Next time you do that to us, you’re buying beers for just as long.”

“If we worked like that, you two would already owe me about three years’ worth of beers.” Lucy laughed. “So good luck getting away with that one.”

The two of them denied it, but eventually Sam talked again. “We’ll come get you Luce, you’re going to be safer back here.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Lucy said. “As much as I’d love to not be in a hospital bed, I can’t even stand on my own two feet at the moment, perks of a broken leg and having been motionless for a large amount of time.”

“We can’t leave you there Luce,” Dean said, his voice tense. “With the things that have been happening, especially once they find out you’re awake, your life is going to be in real danger staying there.”

“What’s been happening?”

There was a moment’s pause, but eventually the two of them started talking. She pretended that it was all new information, and only asking questions when she needed to.

When they were done, she hummed thoughtfully for a moment. “Well, you two better bring an invisi-pen, black light and some of those books you haven’t checked out. We can ward this place to hell without the staff knowing easy enough, and I hate to think of leaving you guys alone on this. Maybe bring me a phone and a laptop too, I’m sure there’s more I can do than just sit here.”

“Luce-”

“Come on Dean, what other choice have we got?” She asked. “I know you’d feel better with me back in the bunker, but there’s not a chance that the doctors are going to let me go, so let me help how I can.”

Dean sighed. “I don’t like it, but alright. In the meantime, we hid an angel blade in your top draw, I recommend having it handy.”

“What was I going to do with an angel blade in a coma?”

“Just…shut up. I felt better leaving it there.”

Lucy and Sam both chuckle.

“It’s good to hear your voice again Lucy,” Sam said. “We’ll be there in a few hours.”

A few hours felt way too long, but she’d never smiled so much when she saw Sam and Dean walk in, who both looked more than relived, although both extremely tired.

Sam put a bag full of stuff down next to her bed. “You should have everything you need in there, including some fresh clothes if you want to get yourself out in a hurry.”

“Feels a bit weird having you two look after me,” She said with a grin. “I seem to remember it was always the other way around.”

“Don’t flatter yourself too much,” Dean said, sitting heavily in a chair. “It’s not like we haven’t gotten you out of more situations than we can count.”

The three of them talked a little more, in which Lucy proceeded to learn more about the mark on Dean’s arm, one that had her more than a little curious, having never seen anything like it before.

“We can thank Crowley later,” Dean growled. “But first we need to find the bastard again and find out whether he’s got the damned blade.”

“He’s been dark for a while,” Sam sighed. “It’s been rather frustrating with it in the back of our minds when we hunt.”

Lucy looks between them. “You said he was on the run right? That can’t make life easy.”

“Luce, the guy practically loves the sound of his own voice, if he wanted to talk to us, he would.” Dean said. “He didn’t even shut up when he was you, it was maddening, especially trying to drag Sam to the hospital as well.”

“He still helped though, didn’t he?” She asked, making Dean shrug. “Come on, you can’t keep denying that.”

“Abaddon wouldn’t have turned up if he hadn’t tried to call for help,” Sam said, looking at her casts guiltily. “Which in turn almost got you killed.”

Lucy decided to drop it, instead paying attention to both of them looking at her casts. “You two don’t need to worry about me. The doctors said my arm should only need about another week and then the cast is free to come off, the leg will be a bit longer, but it’s all healing okay. I’ll be out of here before you know it.”

They sat and talked until visiting hours were over, Sam and Dean quickly setting up wards around her room, using the black light to check them over before wishing her well and call if she needed them.

She waited a fair while after they left before she pulled out her phone, searching through her contacts and quickly realising she didn’t have the one that she wanted. It took a few moments, but eventually her eyes narrowed as she had an idea.

Typing a number in, she then types and sends a message.

So, you visit me once, only for me to wake up and learn that you ghosted my brothers in trying to get rid of Abaddon?

For a few moments, nothing happened, then her phone buzzed.

Lucy?

No, Santa Claus. Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Very funny love, how did you even get my number?

I made an assumption, one I’m glad was correct. I hardly wanted to ask Sam and Dean for it.

Are you still in hospital?

Very much so. She wipes her hand over the mark she knew was on her headboard. Could use some company if you’re free?

There was soft sound in her room and she looked up at Crowley as he blanches. “This is warded to high heaven in here Lucy.”

“Funny about that,” She said, nodding to the open door, one Crowley quickly closes. “Apparently there’s a lot more going on than what you elaborated on.”

“I didn’t want to worry you, you were recovering from being on deaths door.” Crowley sits, looking a little irritated. “And are you really going to get mad at me for not being in touch with those two knuckleheads?”

“I wasn’t mad,” She said, looking amused. “But I can’t help but wonder why you haven’t updated them at least.”

Crowley looks at her, clearly uncomfortable. “Because they expect me to snap my fingers and get it done. I don’t work like that Lucy.”

She chuckles and shakes her head. “I know you don’t, but in this case, I think reassuring them might help a little, it’ll certainly stop them trying to hunt you down and doing less than pleasant things, I’m sure.”

Sighing, Crowley pinches the bridge of his nose, and for the first time she notices the dark circles under his eyes, concern knitting her brow. “Crowley…are you alright?”

He meets her gaze slowly. “No, no I’m not. It seemed that little experiment has had an unintended side effect. I could hide if from you in there, but out here…”

Lucy adjusts in her bed, looking at him, her mind working. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Crowley shakes his head. “You have no idea what it’s like not to feel properly for so long, none of you do, and the sheer fact that it’s brought so much out is infuriating, and half of I don’t even know what to do about, especially-” He cut himself off, his mouth clicking shut.

She thought about it for a moment, deciding not to push whatever he was about to say. “So…you’ve been using human blood?”

He nods solemnly.

Watching him, Lucy realised that there was some small amount of shame hidden in his expression. "You're not weak for that Crowley.”

“If the other demons knew about this…”

Lucy knew where he was coming from. “Then find that blade for Dean, get rid of Abaddon for good, and take it one step at a time from there.”

Crowley licks his lips nervously. “The first blade is no simple trinket Lucy, a part of me regrets telling them about it at all and…well, there’s other things…” He shakes his head and stands. “I shouldn’t be here, I need to go.”

“Crowley-”

“No, love-” He stops, shakes his head again, and frowns. “No, Lucy, I need to go, before I say something that I’ll regret.”

He vanishes and Lucy let’s out a slow breath, thinking it over for a moment before sending another message.

For what it’s worth, I forgive you, for everything.

She doesn’t get a reply.

One thing that Lucy hated now about being back in the conscious world, was the return of her nightmares, now plagued by Abaddon, and occasionally Dean, especially after she learnt exactly what the mark was.

She dreaded the thought of them having to try and get rid of it.

Her days were spent reading and researching, in amongst the therapy sessions with trying to get her back on her feet properly. She could at least walk for about half an hour now, with crutches, but it was better than nothing, it meant she could update the wards as she needed to in her room.

It was after about another month in hospital that Lucy began to take notice of some unusual things happening outside of her hospital room door, and the more she noticed, the more she realised that angels and demons had found her here, they just couldn’t enter her room.

She didn’t really want to wait around to find out if they could get around the wards.

Her biggest problem was still her leg, while finally out the cast, they were still being very careful with her walking.

The boys didn’t know that activity was increasing around the hospital, she left that out of daily chats and messages, she didn’t want them to worry about her as well as everything else they were dealing with, especially finally having found the first blade. Getting a hold of Abaddon had to remain their top priority.

Lucy’s other problem, was that she still hadn’t heard from Crowley. She didn’t blame him, she certainly couldn’t imagine what he was going through, but it was hurting a little that he wasn’t trusting her completely.

One morning she awoke to someone standing right at her door, her fingers curling around the angel blade under her pillow.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” He said calmly. “No matter how much Metatron wants you dead, but I recommend not staying here much longer, the demons and other angels here are close to finding a way to get to you.”

“That’s…good to know,” She said cautiously. “And who are you exactly?”

He just gives a small smile. “Consider it…a small repayment for some wrongs I did your brothers.”

She watches him go and she made a note to check with Sam and Dean later.

Knowing she didn’t have much choice after a warning like that, Lucy went dark on Sam and Dean and got herself out of hospital and out of the way for a little while, keeping an eye on things from a distance.

It’s seems Abaddon has been working more than I thought.

Lucy stared at the message, the first one she’d received from Crowley since that night when she’d woken up, a message that was quickly followed by an address.

She knew, with a sinking feeling, that this may very well be the only chance that they get at taking on Abaddon.

Forwarding the address to Sam and Dean, Lucy makes her way there and silently hopes that she won’t be too late.

The building was surprisingly light on demons, something that Lucy found unusual, but then she also thought Abaddon was arrogant enough to do just that. Whatever she had planned, was nothing good.

There were two guards on the door, Lucy making short work of them, and entering the room cautiously.

“Back for round two are we cupcake?” Abaddon asked, grinning at her from the other side of the room. “Here I would've thought that once was enough.”

Lucy shrugged, taking in Crowley seemingly stuck to a chair, his hand on his bleeding shoulder. “It's not going to be much of a fight, but if you really want to try again, be my guest.”

“I suppose it's a good thing my demons did fail to find you and kill you then,” Abaddon stalked closer. “The idiots.”

“They had plenty of opportunities, I assure you,” Lucy readied her pistol in her hand, pointing it at her. “Guess they were just feeling lazy, or cowardice, take your pick.”

Abaddon laughed. “Do you think that little toy is going to do anything to me? You offend me cupcake.”

Lucy smirks and fires, hitting Abaddon square in the chest, causing the demon to laugh again and keep moving forward.

Her smiles shrink as she realizes she's stuck in place.

Crowley huffs a laugh. “Doesn't feel too good now, does it?”

“Bitch!” Abaddon spat, her eyes going black on Lucy. “Who is the coward now?”

“Think what you will of me,” Lucy said with a shrug. “It's not my place to kill you.”

Abaddon growls and starts digging for the bullet, only for Lucy to fire again, this time in the knee cap, dropping Abaddon down to one leg.

“But that doesn't mean I can't fill you with these bullets in the mean time,” She smiles at her. “So please, keep trying, this is fun.”

The growl that leaves Abaddon just makes Lucy laugh. “Down girl. You've been a bad dog.”

Her attention then moves to Crowley, who is watching half amused, half concerned. “I wasn't expecting you to come alone.”

Lucy shrugs and goes to him, eyeing the wound in his shoulder. “Sam and Dean are on their way, figured I'd cut a path through, not that there was much resistance.”

Crowley had noticed her heavy limp though. “Should you even be out of the hospital?”

“No,” She said earnestly. “But with demons and angels on the doorstep, no matter the warding, I didn't have much of a choice.” She looks at him. “Do you want me to dig that out?”

He nods slowly, his gaze flicking to Abaddon over Lucy's shoulder.

Lucy turned her gun on her again and fired without thinking, hitting her in the arm, and smiles at Crowley, who is more than stunned.

She pulls out a knife and a pair of tweezers from her pocket.

“You just carry those around with you?” Crowley asked, watching as she gets to work.

“Honestly, you never know when you're going to get shot.” She said, her gaze locked on his wound, trying to find the bullet. “After I kept getting shot without them, it worked much better when I had them.”

Crowley hissed a little in pain as she dug the tweezer into his shoulder a little deeper. “I suppose I owe you again?”

“Who's keeping track?” She asked and tugs the bullet free, smiling at him, throwing the bloody bullet at Abaddon, hitting her squarely in the head.

“You two are sickening,” Abaddon snarled. “A demon and his pet.”

Lucy sighs and rolls her eyes, turning the gun on her again and this time hitting her between the eyes, dropping her to the floor.

“That's better, some peace and quiet right?” Lucy said and then looks up as the door opened, Sam and Dean entering, looking angry and confused until they see her. “Hi guys, I must have been closer than you two.”

“Lucy,” Sam's voice was relieved. “We thought the worse when you left the hospital.”

“All good Sam,” She nods to where Abaddon was slowly starting to move. “She's there if you want her.”

Dean was glaring at Lucy though. “You shouldn't be here Luce, the doctor told us about your heart, how exerting it could kill you.”

Lucy flinched, which covered Crowley's sharp intake of breath next to her. “I'm not going to sit out just like that. I'm fine. I barely broke a sweat in here.”

“You should still be more careful,” Sam said, even as Dean snorts and makes his way over to Abaddon. “We could've handled this.”

“I hope you all rot,” Abaddon hissed, eyeing the first blade in Dean's hand. “You really think that you can kill me with that obnoxious thing? Take your best-"

Abaddon shrieked as Dean plunged the blade into her and moments later, collapsed to the flood, dead.

Crowley snorts, amused. “Bitch.”

Lucy sighed, relieved. “Well, one problem down.”

Dean turns and faces Crowley, the blade shaking in his hand. He didn't say anything, but Lucy could see the intent in his gaze.

As Dean steps in, Lucy steps between the two of them, the blade poised over her chest, having frozen as Dean stares at her.

“You're going to have to kill me to do that Dean,” She said calmly. “Because like it or not, the only reason you are here right now, and have finished off Abaddon, is because of him. Not only that, but I wouldn't be sitting here.”

Tension filled the room, Crowley's hand wrapping around Lucy's wrist as her and Dean stared at each other, Sam the only one noticing the movement.

The blade shook in Dean's hand.

“Dean,” Sam said. “It's Lucy.”

Dean blinks and lowers the blade, his eyes flicking between her and Crowley. “Right.” He focuses on Crowley. “Don't think this is over.”

“Looking forward to it Squirrel,” He clipped, quickly letting his hand drop from hers. “Now, if you three don't mind, I have one hell of a mess to clean up, no pun intended.”

He vanishes, leaving them alone, Lucy letting out a slow breath. “Can we go home now? I need one hell of a nap.”

With Abaddon gone, Lucy slept a little easier. The nightmares still plagued her, but they weren't as bad and most nights she could sleep right through.

She started checking her phone a lot too, something that Sam noticed, but Dean was now too focused on Metatron, often disappearing on his own from the bunker.

They were on their own one day, when Sam noticed her do it again, distracted from the book she was trying to pull information from. “Luce?”

She hummed in response, not looking up.

“I don't really want to ask this but…” He hesitates for a moment. “Are you and Crowley together?”

Lucy stills and blinks at him, surprised. “What would make you say that?”

His gaze is soft, worried, but understanding. “You've both seemed awfully quick to defend each other recently, and, in all fairness, it would explain a lot.”

She draws in a deep breath and shakes her head. “No Sam, we're not.”

“Then who are you checking your phone so much for?” He asked.

Lucy hesitates and knew there was no point in denying it. “Crowley? But only because I thought he'd let me-us know that he was okay, that things were back to somewhat normalcy in Hell and-" She sighs. “I'm digging my own grave here.”

Sam gives a sad smile. “It was him, wasn't it? In the world the Djin showed you?”

Slowly, Lucy nods, not looking at him.

“I'm not even going to try and understand where that's come from,” Sam said. “I'm not really one to talk after all, but I do want you to be careful. He could turn on you and use it against you at any point he wanted.”

“A few months ago maybe,” She said quietly. “But we all know that he's different now Sam.” Her expression turns slightly panicked. “Does Dean know?”

He shakes his head. “I haven't said a word, I promise. His mind is occupied elsewhere anyway.”

Lucy relaxes, but still looks uncomfortable. “We're still not anything, but the less Dean knows, the better. I haven't even known how to explain it to myself Sam, let alone to you two.”

Sam chuckles lightly. “I can understand that, you always were the enigma in the family.”

“Shut up,” She laughs. “And mind your own business, we've got more important things to worry about anyway.”

“Yeah, getting that mark off of Dean,” Sam said, looking at his book. “Before it gets him killed.”

“I almost thought you were going to bring up the hospital discussion again,” she snorts. “Because that's not getting old.”

“Our opinion on that is unchanged Luce, but if you don't want to go, that's your choice.”

It took a few days, but eventually Lucy woke up to a text one morning.

Can we talk?

It was followed by an address. Lucy's heart raced a little, and she found herself telling her brothers that she was off to the hospital, not feeling overly well that morning. They offered to drive but she assured them she would be fine, she just wanted to make sure that nothing was seriously wrong.

I'm on my way.

Lucy drove a little nervously, her mind whirling with possibilities that she had to keep forcing away.

The hotel was stupidly fancy and she quickly realised that she was going to the top floor.

The door was unlocked.

She steps in a little cautiously, unsure of what to expect, but quickly eases a little when she catches sight of Crowley standing out on the balcony, overlooking the city below.

Lucy quietly shuts the door and locks it, heading out to join him. “Crowley?”

He remained silent for so long that Lucy steps up next to him and looks at his distant expression, a gentle hand resting on his arm, making him start and look at her.

“Hey,” She said with a soft smile. “Are you okay?”

Crowley nods and sighs. “Yes. My apologies Lucy, I was just...thinking.”

“I could tell,” She moves her hand away and taking in the view. “I don't think I've ever been up this high before. It's amazing.”

He looks at her. “Lucy...” He turns away as she faces him. “What are we?”

Lucy looks at him a little surprised, but gives a small smile. “You mean besides the King of Hell and a Hunter?”

Crowley huffs a small laugh and nods.

“Well,” She said slowly, looking back at the view. “If we rely on my brothers for that, we are mortal enemies that are out to kill each other all the time. Hunters kill monsters and most demons fall into that.”

When he remains silent, she continues.

“If you're asking about the two of us...I don't know how to answer that Crowley. I haven't known how to answer that for a long time.” Lucy leans on the railing. “If things were different, maybe one of us could.”

“You know...” He swallowed. “You know I saw what that Djin had shown you…when I…possessed you, right?”

Lucy nods, giving a sympathetic smile. “When you saved my life, you mean? I had figured as much, really rather embarrassing on my part, but I'll get over it one day.”

His gaze returned to her. “You could've stayed. You would've been happy.”

“I would've been dead,” She said a little flatly. “But I get what you're trying to say. Even with no memory of what was happening, I still felt like there was a part of me missing there, that something was wrong, and even once I had realised, it tore me apart to make the decision, the view of a normal life was oddly nice, and a part of me wanted to stay, consequences be damned, but I knew I couldn't.”

“Why?” He asked softly.

She sighs. “Because this is my normal Crowley, and no amount of false wishes and dreams is going to change that. I know where I belong, I guess that’s why I’ve never really stopped hunting before; I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I did.”

Crowley doesn’t seem sure what to think about this. “And you’re…happy with this?”

Lucy gives a light chuckle. “It’s far from perfect. Between all the world ending crisis’s, the monsters trying to kill us every other day and now the fact that I can’t really hunt anymore, or shouldn’t more so, it does drag you down a bit, but despite it all, yes, I’m happy. To want more would be selfish, and I do like to think I help more than hinder.”

He takes a moment before sighing, looking away and remaining silent.

As the silence drags on, Lucy hesitates, unsure of what to say. “Crowley…what did you really want to talk about?”

“It doesn’t matter,” He said and she was surprised by the sudden hardness in his voice as he turned back inside. “I think it’s time you should go.”

This took her back and she watched after him for a moment before frowning. “If you have something to say, then say it. You have never minced words with me Crowley, don’t start now.”

“I said it doesn’t matter,” He snapped, keeping his back to her. “So just leave it, Lucy. Go home.”

Lucy pursed her lips, her eyes flashing a little in anger. “Don’t you dare, don’t you dare do this to me Crowley. You think just because I say I’m happy doesn’t mean I can’t still want more? You think that just because I say I’m happy that I still don’t think back on that dream every night and every day? That I don’t dread sleeping because I know I have to watch you-you die again and again? You know how I feel Crowley, you’ve known it since you saved my life, maybe even before that, so instead of pushing me away why don’t you tell me what is going on?”

“You said it was selfish to want more.”

“Then call me selfish,” She said. “I know how bloody hypocritical it is, but last I checked neither of those were a sin.” Lucy draws in a deep breath, eyeing the tension in his body. “Look at me Crowley, look at me and tell me why you suddenly want me to go.”

“You don’t want this!” Crowley snapped, rounding back on her. “You don’t need the extra burden Lucy. I’m telling you to go so that something worse doesn’t happen further down the line.”

She held her ground and his gaze. “That’s my risk to take and you can’t force that decision on me.”

Crowley growled and closed the distance between the two of them, his eyes shifting red, his hands gripping tight on her upper arms. “Look at me and tell me you want this, that you can deal-deal with a monster in your life. It was a dream love, nothing more.”

“Exactly,” Lucy said. “A dream Crowley, but this, here, this is real.”

“We cannot keep playing this game!” He snarled, his grip tightening, looking more like he was trying to convince himself. “You save my life. I save your life. It has to end at some point. I’m the King of Hell and you’re-”

“A Hunter.” She whispered, staring at him, making him tense. “Are you going to tell me that it’s as simple as that? That there’s no good reason I keep having those dreams every night? There’s more to both of us than meets the eye Crowley, we both know that. We’ve known that for a long time now.”

“You should be running from me,” He snarled. “You should-”

“I am not afraid of you,” She held his gaze firmly. “If I was afraid of you, I wouldn’t have ever approached you the way I did when we first met, nor would I have allowed contact to continue, but here I am. You asked why I went up against Abaddon? I did so to save you, because I couldn’t let my dreams become any sort of reality, not while I still had some level of control, and as much as I talked a whole level of bullshit to you originally about Sam and I, it was for just you.”

Crowley breathes deeply, holding her gaze, the red still burning away into her.

Lucy’s voice lowers, her gaze genuine and unflinching. “And I meant what I said in that message.”

Crowley tenses, his jaw clenching.

“I forgive you Crowley, for everything,” Lucy whispered. “And no matter what you say, or what you do, nothing is going to change that. I’m not going anywhere.”

He huffs, irritated and frustrated, and goes to move away but her hand rests on his arm, stopping him.

“What are you afraid of Crowley?” She asked. “What is it that you are running from? I’m here because I want to be, and I’m not going to simply go because you don’t think you’re worth that.”

The red in his eyes slowly fades as he looks back at her, his expression hurting, broken. “How can you say that? How can you…after all that’s happened…it doesn’t make sense.”

“No, it doesn’t,” She gives a small, apathetic smile. “But please, tell me, what exactly in our lives has?”

Crowley lets out a shuddering breath and, a little hesitantly, he reaches up and brushes her cheek gently. “This is a bad idea love, I can’t even begin to explain…”

Lucy sighed and took his hand in hers, pressing it to her cheek and closing her eyes. “You don’t have to explain anything. I get it, more than you think I do.”

“I think the world of you,” He said quietly, watching as she nuzzles into his hand slightly. “I just…I’ve gotten used to keeping up appearances and…”

She places a small kiss to the palm of his hand. “It’s just us here Crowley. Neither of us have to perform for anyone.”

Several moments pass as Crowley lets that sink in.

“Lucy…” He sighs and closes the distance between the two of them, resting his forehead against hers. “I don’t know how we are going to keep something like this up. We are from two very different worlds and I won’t be able to give you what you saw-”

“I don’t want what I saw Crowley,” She meets his gaze. “I want this. Us. Nothing more.”

Crowley searched her eyes for a long moment, still hardly daring to believe it, and after a moment he realised that Lucy was holding her breath a little, waiting to see what he would say.

“Dammit all.” He said and pressed his lips to hers.

The first kiss was tentative, unsure, barely there, but slowly, they eased into each other, each kiss deliberate, exploring, neither willing to be the first to move away, eyes drifting shut as they just let each other feel.

Lucy cupped his cheeks in her hands, fingers gently trailing and exploring as she presses against him, Crowley’s hands dropping to her waist.

They broke after a moment but barely pulled apart, looking at each other longingly, Lucy’s arms wrapping around his neck.

“Damn you and that moment I met you,” He growled, pecking her lips softly. “I haven’t been able to shake whatever feeling it was since.”

Lucy smiles and nudges his nose with hers. “You’re not the only one, for a while I actually thought I was going mad.”

Crowley hums a little thoughtfully, his hands moving lightly over her. “I always did wonder what to call you.”

It takes a moment before she catches his smirk and laughs. “You are…ugh.”

She presses her lips back to his, the kiss firmer, needier, Crowley letting out a small groan. They stay like that for a long moment, holding onto each other firmly, wanting more, but not hurrying.

“What do you want Crowley?” Lucy breathed, allowing them both a moment to collect themselves. “Please…tell me what you want.”

“You.” He said, claiming her lips once more but barely waiting a moment before scooping her up into his arms, causing her to giggle against his lips.

They sink down into the bed, kisses turning soft and lazy as they get comfortable.

Crowley breaks away for a moment, staring down at her, taking her hand in his and kissing her knuckles softly. “Can I ask you something love?”

She smiles at him. “Question for a question.”

He chuckles and shakes his head. “No, not this time.” A little cautiously, he rests his hand over her heart, he takes a moment to look at it before his gaze returned to hers. “Would you like me to fix it?”

Lucy takes a deep breath at this, a small frown creasing her forehead. “Crowley…what would I have to do?”

A smile tugs at his lips, a little nervous, but unworried. “I promise your soul is very safe where it is love, and I’m pretty sure if I asked for that seriously, then I’d be out of this room quicker than you can call me a bastard or whatever other wonderful names you could come up with. No…this is far more simple and should technically be stretching the rules of it all just enough that it still holds.”

She raises an eyebrow at him, causing him to chuckle. “It’s just another question love.”

“Then ask it,” She said. “Stop making me feel like an idiot here.”

Crowley grins and presses his lips quickly to hers in reassurance. “It doesn’t have to be right now of course, but will you marry me?”

Lucy blinks at him and then rolls her eyes, grinning. “You really are a bastard, you know that? Of course I will you idiot.”

“Oh good, I was worried that-”

He doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence, Lucy pulling him back down into a kiss, smiling against his lips, even as he chuckles.

Warmth blossoms in Lucy’s chest, a sharp breath leaving her, but it settled just as quickly, letting her relax back into the bed, breathing easier than what she had in long time.

“I believe I have a birthday to make up for.” Crowley nuzzles down her jaw to her neck. “Unless you have other plans?”

Lucy laughs. “That was months ago.”

“So?” He asked, his eyes sparking with mischief. “We did get rather rudely interrupted.”

“A bit hard to be interrupted when it’s not exactly real.” She continues to laugh.

“Maybe not, but it hasn’t stopped you thinking about it.” He smirks. “Or are you going to deny that.”

Lucy grins, biting her lip. “Well, a girl still has needs.”

He gives a dark chuckle and captures her lips in a deeper kiss, a small moan leaving her, her hands burying into his hair, the air in the room shifting as they settled into each other, Crowley’s jacket soon thrown across the other side of the room.

She breaks away from the kiss to draw in a breath, shivering as Crowley continued the kiss down her jaw and throat, his hands slipping under her shirt, fingers brushing lightly over her skin, until he finds the scar from Abaddon’s blade, making him give a small growl.

“We don’t have to worry about her anymore.” She said, a little breathlessly.

Crowley lets out another low growl. “Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the memory.”

He slips her shirt off and Lucy arches into his touch, not wanting to think about it either, biting her lip, tugging his mouth back to hers, her legs wrapping around him, making him moan and start to grind against her.

Slowly, clothes are tugged free, lips barely leaving each other, and it was only when they take a moment to breath, that Lucy notices something, her fingers trailing along the edge of a tattoo.

“I still wonder how you knew about that,” Crowley mumbled, lips trailing softly down to her collar bone. “Hardly anyone knows about it at all unless they’ve shared my bed.”

“In all honestly, stranger things have happened.” Lucy huffs a laugh.

Crowley hums a little thoughtfully, meeting her gaze. “You mean like Juliet being a dog?”

Lucy shrugs, smiling at him. “I’ve always wanted a dog, I guess it was logical assumption to make.”

“And that car?” He raises an eyebrow, amused. “If you actually had one I honestly don’t know who would be easier to spot, you or those two idiots you call brothers.”

Laughing, Lucy shakes her head. “I’ve wanted one of those cars since I was little, that doesn’t mean I don’t understand it’s not exactly practical for hunting.”

He looks thoughtful for a moment, before he grins. “And you would actually sell your soul for that car?”

“No, but you would have to fight to get my attention away from it.”

Laughing, Crowley claims her lips again briefly. “I don’t think it would be that hard love.”

Lucy smiles and continues the kiss, letting out a soft moan as his fingers brush against her core, her hips arching into his touch. Her lips trail along his jaw, making him groan, her body shuddering as he eased a finger into her, taking his time, slowly teasing, building her up.

“Fuck that feels good.” She huffs, letting her head drop back to the pillow, watching him with half open eyes, her body relaxed.

Crowley smiles, nudging her nose gently. “I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush.”

“Absolutely not,” She lets out a small gasp as he pushes a second finger into her. “Fuck Crowley…”

Kisses become slow and lazy, small noises leaving her as Crowley continues to gently tease. He lets out a low groan as her hand wraps around him, matching his pace, even as he pressed his hips closer.

Neither of them said anything, lost in the moment, in the need and the feeling, and they didn’t think any more of it, Lucy letting out a small gasp as Crowley sinks into her. Their lips meet, swallowing the small noises from each other as they slowly rocked into each other.

One of Crowley’s hands brushes into her hair, gently tugging her head back as he places open mouthed kisses down her throat. Lucy moans softly, biting her lip, her hands on his arse, encouraging him deeper. Crowley’s free hand sneaks under her hips, changing the angle slightly, groaning as she lets out a gasp, clenching around him.

“Crowley…” She breathes and hums. “Just like that.”

Crowley moans and nips lightly at her skin, the pace languid and slow, neither of them wanting to hurry, even as Lucy began to tremble slightly at every thrust, her legs wrapping around to try and ground herself, her fingers pressing into his shoulder blades.

His lips brush along the shell of her ear. “You’re not the only one that’s wanted this moment, you know? A time where I could finally have you all to myself.”

Lucy lets out a shuddering breath. “There was…nothing…stopping you.”

He growls a little, nuzzling back to her throat. “If you’d seen the real state I was in after escaping your brothers, you wouldn’t be saying that. Even when you were back on your feet, I couldn’t risk hurting you, that’s why I left in the way I did.”

Quietly, she laughs, earning his gaze as he looks at her, a little confused. “Crowley, I don’t think you could hurt me if you tried.”

He went to answer but she presses a soft finger to his lips. “Even when you took me hostage, just before all that happened, you didn’t lay a finger on me, did you?”

His gaze softens and he shakes his head.

“Stop doubting this,” She said, one hand resting over his heart, the other over hers. “It’s not worth torturing yourself for, save that for others.”

Chuckling, Crowley shakes his head, pressing a light kiss to her lips. “I love you, you know that? I figured I’d say it before I feel too much like a demon again.”

Lucy laughs softly, smiling. “Then I’ll just have to say it often enough for the both of us.”

The next kiss was slow, loving and sweet, Lucy sighing contentedly, their bodies continuing to rock together, steadily building in rhythm.

“Don’t stop.” She whispered against his lips, causing him to groan, the kiss quickly becoming firmer, his fingers pressing harder into her.

Lucy’s head tips back, her body arching a little, giving him better access to her body, small gasps leaving her, with every movement.

They both moaned, trembling for a moment before sinking back into the bed, breathing deeply to catch their breathes, even as lips blindly find each other, kisses light, fingers brushing over still sensitive skin.

Peace washed over Lucy and she sighs, content, making Crowley give a soft laugh, moving them both to their sides while keeping her firmly to him. Gently, his fingers brush over her cheeks, pushing her hair back away from her face before kissing her lightly again.

“Feeling better love?” He asked quietly, making her smile and open her eyes to look at him.

“Never better.” She pecks his lips and then nuzzles down into his chest, not tired, but not wanting to move, enjoying being pressed against him.

Crowley lets his fingers trail softly over her skin, watching her as she settles against him, a soft smile on his lips, completely enraptured.

“Crowley?”

“Hmmm?”

“I, um, may have told Sam and Dean I was going for a check up to come here.”

“Well, it’s probably still not a bad idea.”

She looks at him, frowning a little. “Seriously?”

He nods, looking a little guilty. “Just…put worrying minds to ease.”

Lucy takes a moment before laughing softly and returning to her position against him. “If that will help.”

Crowley snapped his fingers and blankets pulled up over them, Lucy smiling, unable to help it, feeling warm and comfortable, soon finding herself yawning.

“No more nightmares now, my lovely Lucy,” Crowley said into her hair. “Get some proper sleep.”

Lucy hums and presses herself as close as she can to him, letting her eyes drift shut. “Only good dreams now, I promise.”

#supernatural #crowley #crowley x winchester!sister #crowley x oc #part 3

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