#whether its motives were noble or not is i guess something you can consider. but why cant the evil satan pokemon just be evil and satany.

[fieldlands]

there are many reasons to remove bad game pokemon masters from your definition of "pokemon canon" but my personal breaking point was sygna suit cynthia's story, where gira "banished for its violence" Fucking tina is essentially likened to a well meaning doggy. Fuck that

[rip-a-dip-dip-you-potato-chip]

what have I created?

idk if yall like this, but they just exist not i guess :/

ok the the first one is Royalty AU

first things first, when I say Royalty AU, I don't mean the classic shit we've all become accustomed to. Im talking about the good old Chinese royalty! And I want to emphasize that these guys will/should be dressed in century appropriate attire. As someone thats read a handful of 'marinette, princess of china' fics from the ML Fandom, I've noticed a common trend. Marinette wouldn't be in the culturally appropriate clothes, always ballgowns. Not that there's something wrong with it, its just most of if not all these fic are set in China, so I'd expect Chinese royalty to dress as THERE dress code calls for. And since this AU takes place far in the past like, it won't make sense for any of the characters to be in royal clothing that wasn't from there region. I'm not trying to white knight/gatekeeping. Im Guyanese not Chinese. But since JTTW and Monkie Kid take place in China, it's only right. In my opinion that it. You don't have to outright agree with me.

With out of the way, it's time for that good old AU crack

- Wukong is the king of the Flower Fruit kingdom(or a different one if you'd like, again I'm only familiar with what western culture has taught me, but I'll try my hardest) 

- he’s single but rumor has it he used to/still is dating the Vigilante/thief The Six Eared Macaque

- *chants ShadowPeach violently* 

- no one know whether it true or not

- On of his wanders around the kingdom he finds an abandoned baby in a basket. 

- and no shit sherlock it's fucking baby Xiaotian 

- I think we all know where this is going because i'm a simp for Monkey Dad & Monkie Son shenanigans

- Xiaotian becomes prince

Shit, ill be referring to Xiaotian as Mk from now on, I mentioned this before in a fic I wrote for lmk that Mk's a nickname for Xiaotian for some reason- wait i don't have to explain my self to you people!

- Sun loves his son

- MK is treated differently by staff and others because he's not blood related to the king

- no one mistreats MK per say, because there King loved his adopted son, but words are said behind his back

- Sometimes MK hears what’s said, and he feels as if he won't live up to his dad’s legacy.

- He meets Mei during a festival

- Mei is from a noble family, that wouldn't mind if they got a connection into the royal family.

- but it becomes hella clear to Mei’s family very fast that the two are just friends, and will always will be. but hey there daughter is bffs with the prince so that's a plus.       

_

- the Demon Bull Family is rules a kingdom as well, I dont/am not creative enough to think of a name I leave that to you.

- It's a common misconception that DBK is a tyrant, when he’s not. 

- most of the time...

- they have been at war with the Monkey King for some time now and settled for a peace agreement.

- that agreement being there sons to marry

- oooo original i know

- MK and Red Son are roughly the same age, Mk being 20 and RS 22

- RS is revolted/disgusted at the idea of being wed to the Monkey Kings child, even more so when he realizes MK is adopted,

- but, that all changes the second he meets MK while he meets him by accident when he gets kinda lost in the palace when he and his parents go to discuss the arrangements.

- the second he looks at MK, he's instantly in love. MK less so, he's nervous and honestly kinda bummed he's not marrying someone he loves but it's for the good of his ppl, and he'll do anything for them.

- RS isn't even aware that MK is Suns adopted son until MK walks him back to the meeting room.

"Oh There you are MK! I was about to have a servant go fetch you!" Sun Wukong says, gesturing for his boy to come sit with him.

"S-sorry for keeping you waiting I got caught up in my lessons with Mr. Tang" MK responds, sitting next to his father. Red Son looked gobsmacked. The beautiful young man he had bumped into, was the prince of this land? Damn, life truly blessed him. Or cursed him depending on how you looked at it.

- the two are left alone in a separate room for a while.

- And MK straight up tells RS why he's agreeing to this union.

"Look Red Son. I've dreamed about meeting my one true love for a while. And I would give almost anything for that dram to be real. But I wouldn't ever dare give up my people, for as there price they mean more to me. I'm doing this for them, no other reason" MK says, his back straight and hands folded neatly in his lap. The look in his eyes was a mix of sadness, but that was drowned out by loyalty and determination. It just made Red Son fall for him even harder. Clearing his throat Red spoke.

"I understand, for im doing this for the betterment of my people to. But I propose a wager"

"A wager?"

"Yes, if i can make you fall in love with me by years end, before our marriage, we can live together like in the fairy tales from far away. But if I fail, in a years time afterwards you will be permitted to find your own path in life" Red Son stated. MK took a moment to process what was happening.

"So, if you succeed in making me fall in love with you, before our marriage we can live happily ever after?" Red Son nodded in response, letting the younger continue.

"And if I shouldn't fall for you, in a years time after our union, im free to leave?" Red Son nodded once more.

"So, what do you say?"

...

"Deal"

In the end, your free to choose their fate, should Red Son win the hart of Mk? Will he fail? Or will he let him go, and let him travel the country, after all Mk's a free spirit and keeping him trapped in a big house is like keeping a cannery trapped in a cage only for its song, only for it to dul. Or will the unthinkable happen and will both boys find their freedom? together or appart? I don't know, because that's all up to you 😉

personally, I’m partial to where MK and Red Son both find freedom together. Like they straight up run away together to somewhere far away and just live out there lives together. 

this could also be genderbent thing as well. MK or Red as their respective counterparts. Again it doesn't have to be, but it’s whatever bro. im just spitting out the idea. 

Also, there is a main side plot that they fight the WBS throughout the year as well, along with other shenanigans you wanna throw in.

____

The second is a My Hero Academia/BNH/MHA AU

truth be told i'm not a big fan of MHA i think it to over hyped(this is also coming from the same person that’s a Fairy Tail fan lol), and the fandom i don't even know how to describe that mess, but I will admit not the whole of its toxic since every fandom has some toxic members, some even more so. 

I just sometimes find myself enjoying MHA AUs like the Fullmetal Alchemist, Danny Phantom, Evil!Deuk AU and several others. 

to make it clear I don't see this AU taking place the same time as the main plot of the actual Anime/Manga. This could be either like 6-10 years before or after the plot idk bro. But i’ll do this after the main story plot of MHA, so keep that in mind ya? another thing, the gang is still in China, the top hero school in the world just so happens to be in Japan, and it’s only ever mentioned by Sun wukong and other pro heros. So MK never attended AU. in short it’s only ever mention/ reference.  

_

- Mk was considered Quirkless as a kid. 

- he was just a late blumer, i swear  

- Mai’s Quirk is called Dragon. 

- it pretty much works the same way as it does in the show(duh)

- Tang’s got a knowledge Quirk, 

- my man can retain information and he’s basically an archive of information drawback being his personality lol 

- Piggsy is a Animal that gained a Quirk

- in cannon to my current knowledge, there are two other characters that can confirm animals can become sentient. the characters being Fumikage Tokoyami, & Nezu the principal at the school UA.  

- Sandy is just Conner Kent, aka he like superman but can't fly, or shoot lasers from his eyes. And blue.  

I have two scenarios for Macaque and Wukong  

*- The first one is that, Sun Wukong & Macaque are brothers. twins to be exact. 

- they where legit people, but have mutation quirks that made them too like monkeys. 

- the added powers were just a boues. 

- Sun and Mac are close growing up, like there brothers but also best friends.

- the draw back to there quirks could honestly be whatever you want bro idk, same with the others tbh. Personally I like to think Sun just has lack of motivation, and Macaque needs to draw on other people's energy.

- Sun is a hero, Monkey KIng and Mac is a villain Six Eared.

- Sun was always treated has the golden child in the family, Mac always resented that, but there shitty up bring didn’t stop the two from being good brothers to one another.

- soon tho the resentment became hatred when Sun was able to attend UA in Japan, while Mac didn't.

- Mac be angy 

- so he became a villain, and joined the Chinese branch of the LOV(league of villains)

- Sun doesn't know this till he finds out during the all out war during the main story. and by that time he’s a full on hero with is own agency(The Flower Fruit agency)    

- when the hero's ultimately win and Mac is arrested 

- This ultimately hurts Sun a lot, his brother was in jail now, arrested for his involvement and wrong doings, he knew nothing about this! this brother, his blood. A bad guy? why? he hadn't seen his brother since he left for UA, he hadn’t seen him when he came home, and started his agency. 

- this just puts Sun into a funk so he’s not as active as he used to be, and he starts thinking he might need a successor 

*- The second one is that they were two separate people that had similar quirks and both attended UA but Sun ended up in the hero corse. so 1A.

- Both Macaque and Sun have similar quirks, Sun’s is obviously more light based while Macaque’s is more shadow based(this applies to the first one as well)    

- Macaque was placed in class 1B, U.A.’s High's Heroics Department, I believe, you can correct me. 

- In cannon Class 1A and 1B both went to the training camp. I can see the teachers pinning Sun and Macaque against each other to hone their skills. 

- And because of that they become great friends    

- In fact when they graduate they both co-found there hero agency together in China and are a duo.

- But due to Monkey King’s popularity and Six Eared's association with shadows(people sometimes saying he has more of a villains quirk than a heros) the public see’s Macaque as Sun’s sidekick when thats far from the truth. 

- now it’s up to you whether you think that Wukong and Macaque would be in a relationship together, but knowing how cooked we all are, ShadowPeach is a thing here more than likely. 

- If you do or don’t support/ like the ShadowPeach aspect, the two would be living together regardless since its more cost efficient. 

- They my be heroes but living costs are expensive!   

- I would imagine there would have been a huge fight/argument between the two in privet of course, at there home.(or in there shared office if you want the extra angst of the other people they work with hearing them fight)   

- If the two are dating, then this would either lead to an out right breakup, or Macaque just up and leaving with Wukong thinking he’ll come back once he’s cooled off. But after a week, with no sign of his partner, or him answering texts or calls, not even coming into work. Wukong gets worried that something might have happened to him. so there wouldn't be a confirmation if they were still a thing or not. 

- But Wukong remains hopeful, despite the nagging at the back of his head, and gut telling him to go find Macaque, or atleast make a public statement, or even just tell another pro hero about it.   

- on the not so shippy side, Macaque and Wukong still have there argument, and much like the ShadowPeach esc side, Macaque up and leaves, and isn't seen for weeks. the only difference here is that when Wukong comes home one night to there flat, most if not all of Macaques stuff is gone. 

- where as if this was the ShadowPeach side, Macaque leaves all of his possession in the flat he and wukong share. for the simple reason being, he still loves him and wants to go back, but Macaque being Macaque can’t bring himself to do it, especially after seeing just how hurt Wukong looked when he yelled at him just before he left.  

- in other words, ANGST DIALED UP TO A 10 BABY  

- in either case, its a news report that confirms Wukong's suspicions that he desperately didn’t want to believe, and that is Macaque turning into a villain.

- much like if the two were brothers, Wukong just can’t take it and is no longer as active as he once was, and is thinking about, either A) Retirement  B) Saying, “Fuck Society, Be Gay Do Crime” and join Macaque as a villain himself, or C) find a successor, and a way to bring Macaque back to there side, but most importantly, back to him.    

- also extra points if you're after people's hearts and want to make them suffer;  - If there dating, Wukong curle’s up in the bed he and Macaque shared, holding/wearing something of great value to Macaque and just crying himself to sleep, where as Macaque is getting wasted on alcohol, as he stumbles out of the bar he’s in, he either see’s something that reminds him of Wukong or while he’s trying to put his wallet back into his pocket, a photo of them on their first date fall’s out. and Macaque just cries in a nearby alley way. And it’s there where he gets indoctrinated into the League.

       - If there just friends, macaque heads to the nearest forest and just levels it, where as Wukong just gets engrossed into his work, trying not to think about it. you could add you own spin on this, again i'm just spitballing.             

- NOW BACK TO MK! :D     

- Obviously MK is a huge Monkey King fan     

- at Twenty MK has come to terms he's quirkless (HE’S NOT)

-for ANGST reasons MKs fokes kicked him out at this realization at 13.

- he works at Piggsy's Noodle shop, and has been since he was 14.

- don't need a quirk to drive or cook!

- the boy lives a content life with his new family, till DBK happens :D

- DBK runs a Mafia(in conjunction with TLOV) and has been in jail for like 5 years thanks to Monkey King, PIF and RS brake him out one night when MK's out making a late night delivery since Piggsy had the bright idea to go 24/7 service!

- one thing leads to another and Mk somehow manifest what looks like the Monkey King's staff, but its not, it’s MKs powers, it just so happens to be the same power the Monkey King has. And it practically goes down the same way in the pilot. 

- but unlike the pilot Mk and Mei go straight to the FF Agency, after making a panicked call to Pigsy and Tang.

- one way or another Mk are lead into Wukongs office. Mei being forced to stay in the lobby.

- they have there convo, butterfly monkey squishing included.

- "And so, I want you do be my success-" BOOM 💥

- from there they rush downstairs and see that the lobby has been infiltrated by the DB fam, and you know fight.

- once the DB family seems like there down, PIF wisks them away. Much to Monkey King’s displeasure.

From there stuff kind plays out like cannon, the calabash ep is just a conjoint quirk the Demon bros have. As for EP9, ill have to script that one out myself lol. I'll get onto it as soon as my will to commit stabs me in the face. Till then have a dancing Kermit the frog.

Now if you'll excuse me, am about to Kermit a felony :D

(For legal reasons thats a joke)

Psst @writingamongther0ses its done

[darkhymns-fic]

Heroes & Thieves

Whether rich or poor, everyone has heard of the pair of dual-wielding masked thieves that roam both countries of Sylvarant and Tethe'alla - the Red Phantom and the Blue Angel. And of course, their frightening hound that would whisk them away into the middle of the night, leaving no trace behind. (Well, almost any trace, if one ignored the person-shaped holes that would decorated a ransacked mansion or vault).

But after breaking into a mansion with its overabundance of unopened presents, the famous thieves may have just met their match. Who was this weird ninja?

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters/Pairing: Lloyd Irving/Colette Brunel, Sheena Fujibayashi, Zelos Wilder, Noishe Rating: G Mirror Link: AO3 Notes: Colette has her item thief arte, while Lloyd knows how to lockpick. Obviously, they should work together as thieves! This is basically that fic. 

Around 8k of silliness and dastardly thievery (kinda). Let me know if you enjoyed!

--

Meltokio usually didn’t get quiet until late into the night. Nor did it get dark enough either, with the lampposts, powered by magitechnology, lighting up the cobblestone streets. Every lone passerby, usually a high noble that had stayed over at a gala party far too late, was illuminated by the soft glow on their path. Sometimes it would also be a merchant rushing back home after finally closing up shop, or a beggar trying to find a soft place to rest now that local guards of the upper level patrolled a bit less.

Still, even with night owls roaming the streets, there were pockets of shadows just out of the light’s reach. Perfect for hiding those who wished to stay hidden, who wished to be as stealthy as they could…

“I think this is the wrong street,” spoke a voice that broke the night’s stillness.

If one could hear the soft padding to the right of the pathway, they’d only catch the fleeting image of a creature on all fours, with two figures riding atop it. But when Noishe really, really tried, he could be as silent as he could, the pads on his feet minimizing all sound. Although, when his claws were too long, they tended to clack against stone…

Lloyd, hearing both Colette’s concerns and Noishe’s click-clacks , tried to problem-solve this in the span of a minute. He already had a map out, which he couldn’t see much because, well, it was really dark here when they were out of the light like this… “Are you sure? This place looks pretty fancy…”

“I think this is the shop district? Not the residential area!” Colette sounded apologetic, even as Lloyd was slowly realizing that she was very right, and that he was very wrong… The potion shop that they had just passed was a bit of a dead give-away.

“Argh, dammit… Okay, new plan!” Lloyd patted Noishe on the head, getting his attention. “Go up the stairs over here, okay boy?”

“I always worry we’re too heavy for him…” spoke Colette, even as Noishe followed instructions obediently (but not without a whine), loping across some bushes to get to the giant stone stairway, still keeping to the shadows as much as he could.

“Don’t worry, Noishe is strong! And he can run like the wind even with double us on top! I just… forgot to clip his nails earlier…”

Of course, the constant click-clack kept making Lloyd wince, but luckily, the guards were not really outside tonight. As they reached the top of the stairs, Lloyd noticed one castle guard standing by the great doors ahead, leaning on his pike, his snoring echoing inside his helmet.

Colette must have noticed Lloyd’s look, poking at his shoulder just then. “Lloyd…”

“Huh?” Lloyd started in guilt. “Ah I know… We’re not going to go to the castle… Not tonight at least…”

Colette nodded, her smile bright enough for him to see in the dark. Or it was probably just because his eyes had adjusted by now. It was really only that smile, along with the lower part of her face, that he could see clearly, everything else covered by a dark mask. Although, he could see how the moonlight reflected off her eyes. “Yeah, but we can next time!”

“Hehe, definitely.” Despite the fact that he and Colette were talking in normal-volume conversation, very few people were outside, so it was much easier to be sneaky now anyway. Facing once again into the night, Lloyd adjusted his own mask, keeping it more firmly in place. The night would mute the bright red he had insisted for its shade.

Noishe rushed faster down the street, past rows of what Lloyd could only describe as mansions, with their three-story heights, their marble balconies, their stucco designs and overflowing gardens that decorated what seemed to be a mini-plaza within what seemed to be a high-class cul-de-sac.

The people here were ridiculously wealthy, even more so than the other cities they had visited. It only further strengthened Lloyd’s resolve. He knew he was doing the right thing, even if…

“That’s the one,” Lloyd pointed a gloved hand towards one mansion in particular, more grand (Grander? Was that the right word?) than the rest. It’s salmon-pink walls seemed to gleam within the moonlight. The color was a weird choice, but it wasn’t like Lloyd understood rich people very well. “Er, or is it, Colette?”

“Um…” Colette perused through the map they had brought, finger angling down the paper. “I think so! Just before the end of Regal Street.”

“Alright, let’s go!” He winced again. “Sorry, I keep shouting…” They were supposed to be sneaky!

Lloyd also tried to move extra carefully as his swords strapped to his waist rattled, just a little bit at least. Maybe these swords were usually too big to sneak around with, but they were his trusty set, also having both of them would make him stronger anyway! Holding onto one of the hilts, he tried to tiptoe towards the home, his boots barely making a sound across the pavement.

Colette had less of an issue with her own weapons, her double chakrams strapped behind her back, hidden away so that no gleam could be seen off their surface. Lloyd had his own swords in his scabbards but they still weren’t exactly light…

She was also the first to slide off Noishe’s back but was the last to leave him. Lovingly petting his long ears and shushing his whines, she calmed him down enough to lay near a rosebush, hidden well-away from the lights on the road. “It’s okay, Noishe. We’ll be back.”

But once she rejoined Lloyd, he could see her own determination in her eyes, reflecting his. She was as serious about this as he was, her unbound hair slightly shifting with the breeze. “Ready.”

Lloyd nodded. “Okay.” From his pockets, he pulled out something small but sharp, grinning at Colette with a bit of excitement. “Wanna bet how long this will take me?”

“Hm,” Colette visibly pondered on the question, her face still half-shadowed from the dark. “6 minutes?”

“Way too long! I’ll get this done in 30 seconds flat!”

“Wow, good job, Lloyd! That’s amazing.”

“Congratulate me after I lockpick it first!”

But he was already motivated by Colette’s belief in him, already kneeling in front of the ornate door and looking over its way too fanciful lock. Lloyd ignored its gaudy color, already setting himself to work inserting both pin and pick to fiddle at its mechanisms.

No one could lockpick better than a blacksmith apprentice like himself after all!

“And…got it! Too easy!” Lloyd nearly punched his fist in the air victoriously before realizing that maybe now was not the best time. “Heh, sorry. So how long was that?”

Colette, looking just as excited as he with the released lock, stared off into space for a moment. “Um… oops. I forgot to count while you were doing it!”

Lloyd’s pride suddenly fell flat at that. “Aw, I really wanted to know if I beat my record.”

“Maybe you could try again?”

Lloyd, very much considering the option to lock himself out of the mansion, shook his head. “Nah, just remember for me next time, okay?”

While it was fun to play these games, they had some work to do! Games could wait!

Lloyd carefully pushed open the door, peering inside to find only darkness. He leaned in even more, and promptly bumped his head against what seemed to be coat hanger next to the door. “Ow. Why’s that there?”

But he got ahead of himself, once again quieting his voice to a near whisper as he turned to Colette. “Do you hear anyone?”

It was one of Colette’s many talents; few had as sensitive of hearing as she did and could put it to good use. So when she moved past the doorway, angling her head to detect any stray sound, Lloyd did his best to hold his breath so that she didn’t pick any noises from him instead.

After a moment, she shook her head. “Mm, I think the coast is clear!”

Lloyd could barely contain himself. With a grin, he rushed in (while carefully closing the door and also quieting his swords) to finally get a look at the place they were going to do work in tonight.

…And it was much, much bigger than he had anticipated.

“Wow…” Lloyd whispered, looking around the main lobby with the plush couches, the grand piano off in the corner, and a fancy portrait of a woman hanging off the right corner, as if wanting to be hidden from view. Both him and Colette softly tread across the tiled floors onto plush carpets. Barely a hush to their movements, the air so still. No nighttime servants or guards that hung around, which surprised Lloyd, but he took it as a positive sign.

Still, he couldn’t help but be a little shocked when he kept finding new things every time he turned his head. The fireplace to his left was massive, dwarfing his own back home! And it was made of expensive material too, with etchings in its stonework. This didn’t even compare to when he looked ahead and saw glass doors that led to even more rooms.

“This guy must be loaded!” Lloyd had to say, then once again winced. He really wasn’t good at being quiet… “Though I guess everyone on this street is technically…”

But at least he wasn’t the only one shocked. Colette looked around as well, blue eyes wide beneath her mask. “We might need to make several trips…” she suggested, already heading towards an ornate dresser, its drawer handles seeming to be made of gold. “Since there’s an upstairs too.”

“Agh, that’s gonna be annoying. Let’s just try to get everything we can in one go! Noishe can help carry the rest.”

With that, Lloyd unhooked a satchel he carried at his belt – and proceeded to loot every expensive item in sight!

“I call the living room!” he half-yelled, half-whispered as he rushed towards the left side of the room.

“Ah! No fair…” Colette whined but he could see her already rushing away to another part of the house to do her own job as well.

When it came to stealing, there were no better thieves than he and Colette! But only for high-class places like this, even though this place was probably the fanciest they had hit just yet.

 A place like this has to have jewels…. Or vaults full of Gald! Lloyd passed by a table placed in the middle of the room, overflowing with what looked to be wrapped presents. Hm, was it okay for him to look through these? Some of them hadn’t even been opened, and presents felt somewhat different… Wait, why am I worried about that?

Lloyd didn’t find any vaults so far, but there was no lack of Gald in this house regardless. Some of it just seemed to be laying around the furniture, including the plush sofas (which he made sure to check in-between the couch cushions for!) and even some were inside the presents? Not a very creative gift, but at least he could take it easy…

By the time Lloyd decided to pick up some items, he heard Colette from behind him. “I’m all set!”

“Huh? Already?” Lloyd turned to Colette, clutching a few expensive-looking hairbrushes in both hands. The fact that he had found more than one hanging around the living room was already kind of odd. “I don’t get how you do it so fast!”

Colette had her own satchel filled with taken goods. Though he couldn’t see, he could hear the soft clink of porcelain, along with what must have been the clatter of Gald. “Hehe. I’m a pro at item thief, remember?”

“Yeah, that’s-“ Lloyd stopped, narrowing his eyes at Colette, then sighed when he noticed the bruise on her forehead. “Did you trip earlier?”

“Um…”

“Did you trip yourself on purpose?!” Lloyd moved to see if she had any more injuries, hands reaching out and, well, still holding onto the hairbrushes and may or may not have brushed her hair in the process. “Colette, you don’t need to hurt yourself just to pick up stuff!”

“But it’s much faster this way! And I’m more likely to succeed at getting stuff if I use it!”

“I don’t…really get that…” But then again, she was right. He had witnessed that plenty of times! He just wished she didn’t have to hurt herself in the process.

Colette adjusted her bag of stolen goods one more time, but he knew it wasn’t heavy for her at all. Already his back was aching at just looking at the weight of her satchel. “Ready to go, Lloyd?”

Lloyd looked around the room. Nothing much else except some of the presents, and the rest had been filled with spoiled fish. Rich people had weird tastes in gifts. “Yeah, but uh, you think you can take one of these brushes…?”

Lloyd didn’t even get to finish his sentence. He saw Colette’s eyes widen, saw her turn around. He knew what that meant.

“Someone’s here!” she whispered, setting her bag down to retrieve her weapons.

Lloyd finally had the thought to just drop the brushes and reach for his own swords – but not before several objects surrounded them both. They were small, just the size of his palm. They looked like paper cards…?

“Show yourselves!” shouted a voice. Suddenly, a light erupted from those floating cards around them.

“Gah!” Both Lloyd and Colette shielded their faces from the brightness, but it wasn’t enough to hide them away for long.

The voice had come from the stairway railing up above (they hadn’t even gotten to explore the second floor!) and there stood a black-haired woman in strange attire – but she looked on them both as if what they wore was even stranger!

“So… you’re the infamous thieves that’s been targeting all of Tethe’alla!” She held up another of those strange cards between her fingers. “Gotta say, surprised you didn’t get caught sooner with that get-up.”

“Huh?!” Lloyd looked back down at his outfit, not understanding what the problem was. “Hey, red is a good color!” he shouted back.

Indeed it was! Though Lloyd and Colette wore masks over their faces to keep their identities a secret, this red jacket, with its arrays of silver buttons and collar strips that flowed out of his collar, was the most comfortable he had ever worn. And it looked cool too!

…That said, it was pretty awesome that they were famous apparently! With pride, he stood up tall, one hand on his hip while the other held out both his thumb and forefinger, trying out his new pose that he’d been working on. “I mean, what else do you expect the Red Phantom Thief to wear?”

“Phantom?” The woman raised an eyebrow. “Wait, I thought you were the Red Robin.”

His cool pose instantly faltered. “What?! Why do people keep calling me that!?” What part of his cool persona had anything to do with a bird?!

“Look, it doesn’t matter! Both the Red Robin and the Blue Angel’s thieving days are over!”

“Oh, she got my name right though!” Colette waved at the lady, not as worried about hiding herself anymore. Though her outfit only had some accents of blue, the name still fit her well, along with the mask that more or less resembled wings, filigreed with azure in comparison to Lloyd’s crimson one. “It’s nice to meet you!”

“Colette, she’s trying to put us in jail…”

“Ah, I just thought we should still be nice, since she must only be doing her job…”

Sheena stomped on the railing, making it creak. “Stop whispering to each other, you criminals! You’re going to give back what you stole!”

“Oh… but we didn’t technically steal anything yet!” Colette piped in helpfully.

“Don’t admit it!” Lloyd whined.

“Sorry! Unless she means the other things we stole… but we don’t have them anymore…”

“Huh, that’s right… Are we supposed to carry all that stuff around?” Lloyd scratched at his head, thinking hard on the concept. “It’d be too heavy and Noishe wouldn’t be able to carry all that and us too…”

“Why do you guys keep ignoring me?!”

“Uh, sorry about that,” Lloyd said, voice a little subdued.

Colette bowed her head. “I’m sorry too!”

“That’s not- argh!”

With that, the lady clearly had enough. She leapt off the railing, flipping numerous times through the air which made the pink sash of her outfit flow along with her body. Lloyd and Colette watched in awe as she gracefully landed a few feet in front of them, feet just past an elegantly detailed carpet that was behind her. In all her motions, she barely missed a beat.

Colette clapped. “Wow, that was really good!”

Lloyd couldn’t disagree. “Yeah, no kidding! That was cool!”

The lady stumbled slightly, losing her graceful composure, even for just a second. “W-What? You guys are the strangest thieves I’ve come across.” She shook her head, staring hard at them once more. With how quiet she had moved, so quiet that not even Colette had heard her at first, Lloyd wondered if she would make a good thief too… That would be competition!

“The name’s Sheena Fujibayashi. I’ve been tracking you two down for quite some time. Going all over both Sylvarant and Tethe’alla territory. Heard you took a fortune from Palmacosta’s coffers, but you bit off more than you can chew by coming here.” She narrowed her eyes at them, sharp in her gaze. “Your thieving days are about to end.”

That had caught Lloyd off guard. “Huh? You’ve been spying on us? That’s rude!”

“Criminals don’t get a say in that! And it’s not rude!” Sheena scoffed a bit. “It doesn’t take a genius to know you’d try to rob this place out of all of them.”

Lloyd groaned. “But that was our secret plan!”

“I guess it’s not a secret anymore…” Colette said sadly.

“However…” Sheena said carefully. “What I don’t get is how you guys even got past Meltokio’s walls? All the gates are closed. Including the sewer!”

“Sewer?” Lloyd asked, but he was careful to not slip up on his and Colette’s escape route! A thief never revealed his secrets after all! Well, unless she somehow spied on that too… “You’re gonna have keep guessing on that!”

“Oh, I just tripped is all!”

Lloyd nearly fell on his face at Colette’s admission.

Sheena raised an eyebrow. “Tripped? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing! It has to do with nothing!” Lloyd tried to subtly signal to Colette. “We don’t know how we got here at all! Right, Colette?”

“…Oh, right! Hehe, messed up.” She laughed and stuck out her tongue playfully. “We don’t know anything!”

“…Okay…weird…”

Seeing Sheena’s initial confusion, Lloyd saw this as a good opportunity to try and escape. Giving a tiny nod to Colette to catch her attention, he tried to see if they could rush to the door quick enough…

“Not so fast!”

That was when Sheena made a quick motion with her hands – looking almost like a prayer except for the rapid succession of signals she did – and the same cards that hovered around them suddenly glowed red. Lloyd felt a strange weight on his body, as if someone had just dumped luggage right onto his shoulders.

“H-Hey!” he shouted. He tried to turn to Colette, but could barely do it! “Let us go!”

“With my seals, you’re not getting away. I was sent to stop you and that’s just what I’m doing.” Sheena looked a bit smug as she spoke, a smirk on her lips. “So don’t blame your fate on me.”

“I can do exactly that!” But even as Lloyd struggled, he couldn’t seem to break free. Whatever powerful bindings were in these paper cards, they were more than he could handle. Who knew paper could even be considered a threat!!

“And…why do you keep calling us thieves?” he threw out during his struggles. He felt he was loosening his foot a bit! Just a little bit though.

Sheena said nothing at all at first, practically speechless in her shock until she sputtered. “Because… that’s what you are?!”

Colette shook her head politely, from what Lloyd could tell. Actually, she didn’t seem to be as restricted as he was… “But we’re not thieves. We’re heroes for the less fortunate! Right, Lloyd?”

“Yeah!” he said, trying to nod and instead just… stretching a little. Good enough. “We don’t take the money for ourselves, but for those who need it most!”

“…That’s still stealing,” Sheena intoned. “You’re taking stuff from other people to do that. That’s still being a thief.”

“It’s way more than that!” Lloyd argued, never stopping in his struggle. “The Red Robin doesn’t steal for himself… Wait, I meant Red Phantom!” Dammit, now that dumb name was stuck in his head too!

“Even if that was the case, it doesn’t change what you’re doing right now.” Sheena stared at the bags of stolen goods that were on the floor, all gathered from Lloyd and Colette’s wandering hands. “Things like this… they can’t go unpunished. And if you’re stealing from this place, then I definitely have to stop you.”

Lloyd blinked. “Is this your home? Is that why you keep bringing it up?”

“Huh?! Who said anything about that! Don’t be stupid!”

What was up with that reaction? Lloyd only felt more confused now! “Okay, sorry…I was just saying stuff…”

“I see.” Colette’s voice was tranquil, moreso than Lloyd had expected. She really wasn’t worried they were basically trapped right now… “This home is important to you, because it belongs to someone you care about. I’m sorry. If we knew that, we wouldn’t have come here.”

“W-What the heck do you mean? I never said that!” Any smugness Sheena had now completely left her face, now replaced by confusion. “And how would you not coming here if you knew make any sense?!”

“She’s got a point, Colette… We didn’t even know her until now.”

“Oh, that’s right!” In her blue, angel-wing shaped mask, Colette scratched the back of her head, giggling. “But, if we did know each other before, I bet we would have been great friends!”

Sometimes Colette went off-tangent on a conversation so fast, that even Lloyd couldn’t keep up. “Have you been thinking about being friends with her this whole time?”

“Is that weird?”

“Not really, just… maybe not the best time-”

“You two seriously need to stop messing with me! Ugh.” With a groan, Sheena pulled out an array of cards from her sleeve, holding them up to her face as if she had her own deck of aces.

“Hold on! Back up a sec, it’s true what Colette said. We’re giving all the money we take to give to those who need the help.” Lloyd tightened his hold on his swords, bringing the blades close, or as close as he could. “Haven’t you seen this city? People just have all…all this …” He tried, but mainly failed, at gesturing to the display of wealth; to the fancy velvet drapes along the windows, to the tiled marble floors, to all those fancy presents on the table. “Yet they don’t worry or help those who are living in poverty right beneath them!”

Sheena hesitated, even if for only a moment. Did she think the same thing too? She must have known of those slums just within the city, of the multitude of poor villages where so many starved during the harsher seasons…

Lloyd had felt that even in Iselia, always hearing of the far-off city of Meltokio and its vast treasure trove of wealth. But knowing that even here, where some people dined in golden houses, there were others living in the mud. “You have to see that isn’t right at all!”

“Lloyd…” Colette’s soft voice tugged at his chest. He had let his emotions run off again, but it was true what he believed. Every word of it.

“I understand what you mean…” Sheena said – and then her voice grew hard, ruthless. “But that’s not for you to decide. You can’t know every person’s intentions with what they own. You can’t know how the owner here plans to use what he has…” She got into a stance, one that Lloyd had never seen before.

“And a thief is still a thief! But if you want, you can talk all about your grievances with the king.”

He really had no idea what to expect from her, especially from someone who fought with cards. Lloyd tried once again to move, but he felt like he was stuck in quicksand. His feet just stayed rooted to the floor. Aw man, and he thought he had been moving his left foot before! “Stop!” he called out as Sheena moved forward.

And then Colette moved forward too. Wait, she wasn’t trapped?

Sheena was just as shocked as Lloyd was. “H-How did you get out?!”

Colette stood in front of Lloyd, holding out her double chakrams in front of her. She blinked, and it seemed she would join with the others in their confusion. “Ah, was that supposed to happen? I’m sorry. I think your cards must’ve missed me!”

Oh goddess, sometimes Lloyd really couldn’t believe Colette’s luck! (And his own unluckiness when it came to these situations.)

Sheena seemed to be on the same page there. “I missed?! Well… I won’t this time!” Sheena’s cards in her hand began to glow. “You can have a taste of one of my Guardians if you-!”

“Ah, whoops!”

Really, Lloyd should have expected what would happen next.

Colette tried to move to the side as much as she could, while also still covering for Lloyd who stayed frozen in time. Clearly she didn’t want to hurt Sheena at all, but also wanted to protect Lloyd. The brief conflict of indecision made the tip of her boot catch the edge of one of the many plush rugs that covered the first floor of the mansion.

“Watch out!” She tried to warn her enemy (or friend?), but Colette was already tackling right into Sheena who, by the force of the push, practically flew back down to the rug-covered floor.

That was when the rug seemed to pull right into the center where Sheena fell, further and further until-

“How did you know about my back-up trap NOOOOOO!!” But Sheena’s words were replaced by screams as she fell right into a strange makeshift pit that seemed to have been dug right into the mansion’s tiled floors.

“Oh.. I messed up…” Colette said, realizing what she’d done.

By then, the cards hovering around Lloyd drifted down to the floor, releasing him from their invisible binds. Lloyd wobbled on his feet, his previous struggling nearly making him kick out wildly in the air before he regained balance. “Whoa…” He shook his head, never wanting to be put in that weird situation. “Uh, did she just…fall…?” He leaned over to what looked like to be a giant hole in the ground, right in front of him. “And how is this even here?” He had so, so many questions. Maybe he wasn’t as unlucky as some people…

Colette was kneeling on the edge of the floor, her face so full of worry, clearly seen even through her mask. “Is she okay? I didn’t mean to do that at all…”

Lloyd shook out the previous stiffness from his limbs, sheathing his swords before walking towards Colette, kneeling with her. “Well, I mean she was going to arrest us. And she was going to fight you too!”

Colette pouted, hands clasped before her, still staring into that dark pit that seemed to have no bottom. But really, how did they even make a pit inside this mansion in the first place?! Maybe it was another rich people thing…

As she kept staring down, Lloyd gently placed his hand on her shoulder, getting her attention. “Lloyd, should we call for help?”

He sighed. “That’s…going to be kinda hard with what we were doing.”

Colette, lover of puppies and doggies, was able to pull off the look of the animal she so adored. Lloyd could barely resist that gaze.

“Agh, alright, alright! Maybe we can leave a note for the guards nearby or-”

“Hunnyyyy~!” called a voice from upstairs, freezing Lloyd’s words right in his throat, as if he had just been imprisoned again. “You there? What’s all the noise about?” The voice yawned in mid-sentence, its tone so casual and airy.

Lloyd stood up quickly, grabbing Colette’s arms to bring her up with him. “See? Help is on the way! Now let’s get out of here!”

“Ah, if you’re sure-” but Colette barely got to finish her sentence before footsteps echoed from above. Both of them grabbing their satchels of stolen goods (Lloyd with one, Colette with about five), they rushed through the door, as stealthily as they could!

…Until Colette dropped a few expensive plates from her satchel onto the floor. “Ah!” Crash crash kerplow!

The casual voice from upstairs shifted gears then. “What the hell-”

“Colette, leave those!” Lloyd grabbed Colette by her free… er, overcoat flaps on her back, since both her hands were a bit occupied carrying things. They made it out to the doorsteps, the night sky still dark. “We just gotta find Noishe and-”

…And their dog was nowhere to be found in the bushes they had left him in.

Lloyd sighed even more this time, the action pulling out his very soul from the pit of his stomach. “He ran away again!”

Colette’s tone held a bit of a reprimand in it, rare as it was. “You know he gets scared by himself, Lloyd.”

“But he whines too loudly to bring him inside houses!” Another sigh, but smaller this time. He adjusted the satchel easier on his shoulder. “Guess we’re hoofin it.”

“Okay,” Colette nodded. She piled on her bags onto her shoulders as if they were just a bunch of stuffed animals she carried around. “Where to first?”

Lloyd shot her a grin. “To where we can make all this flashy stuff finally useful.”

And like two thieves in the night – which they were not! – both Lloyd and Colette rushed off, past sleeping guards that never knew what happened.

--

Zelos had only just heard the commotion a little bit ago. Usually, he was a bit of a night-owl, but not this time when he had to just wait instead of having any fun…

So he might have slept through his time, for a little while, and he might have an angry Sheena on his hands because of that… But it couldn’t have gone that bad, right?

That was answered for him when he finally leaned over the banister and saw the giant, carved-up hole in the middle of his downstairs floor. “Uh,” he uttered, trying to remember if this had been part of the plan Sheena had detailed to him earlier. “Hunny?”

A brief pause before the voice of what sounded like a haunted spirit floated up from that pit. “Where the hell have you been?”

Zelos grinned, quickly leaping over the banister to land expertly on his slippers. (He forgot to put on his shoes). He was just a few feet away from the hole. “Catching up on my beauty sleep, what else?”

“You were supposed to stand by and back me up! You idiot! I-” But the ghostly voice was interrupted by a strangled screech. Zelos straightened up immediately, the hint of any smiles completely erased from his face.

He reached down, grabbing Sheena’s hand before she fell, fingers gripping tightly over his wrist. He had seen her hanging onto an outcropping in whatever pit she had made before she lost her hold. With sudden adrenaline, Zelos pulled her out, kneeling beside her as she finally made it to safe ground.

Sheena panted, one hand pressed against the floor while the other stayed locked with Zelos’. After a moment, she raised her head, staring hard at him.

The saucy grin came back to him so easily. “Thought you said you wouldn’t fall for me,” he teased.

She ripped her hand from his grip to curl it into a fist and give him a deserved smack against his shoulder. “Are you serious?!”

“Ow! Well if you’re going to be rough with me…”

“You call that rough?” Sheena got to her feet, face completely red, and already Zelos could tell she was stuck in several shades of embarrassment now. “You don’t even ask me how it went! ”

Zelos shrugged, knowing that would only anger Sheena further, knowing that would only make her feel like she failed even when she hadn’t at all. But it was the best action he had right now. The downstairs also looked a bit… empty, for lack of a better word. Certain knick-knacks seemed to be missing from their shelves, and he might have been missing a few presents actually?

“What’s there to know?” he asked, also standing up, face as serene as water. Most nobles of Meltokio were generally laid back, but Zelos had such a relaxed nature at times that he knew others found unsettling.

With Sheena though, she just got more annoyed. “Do you even care?! Months of tracking them down and planning and this is what happens… We could have avoided this if you were actually nearby like I said to be!”

Zelos held up his hands to her. “Whoa, whoa! Calm down, babe. It’s not the end of the world! I mean… maybe the pit wasn’t the best idea, just throwing that out there.”

“You think I don’t know that?!” Sheena ran her hands through her hair, groaning and looking ready to fall right back into that pit. “Of all the times I had to trip!”

When she yelled, he knew it was mostly aimed at herself then at him, most of the time anyway. So he didn’t take it to heart, watching the words prick herself. “But you still got them tracked, don’t you?”

Sheena let down her hands and sighed. “Yeah… Corrine is still following them. They don’t sense him at least.”

“See now? Gotta keep things on the bright side!” Zelos deftly walked around the pit, eyeing again the empty tables. Most of the stuff was replaceable anyway, though his eyes strayed to a certain painting hidden away in a corner. Interesting. Maybe they didn’t think it was valuable enough to take? Or maybe it was just too big to carry? Zelos wasn’t sure how to feel on that at least.

“Besides,” he said, turning back to Sheena with a flourish. “Not like we were actually going to arrest them anyway.”

Sheena frowned, but she didn’t deny it. Instead, she only looked more and more frustrated, her right eyebrow twitching. “I know that. But they didn’t.” Sheena paused, also noting the stolen items, leaving the lower floor of the mansion nearly barebones except for the furniture. “I still don’t understand.”

“Understand what?” Zelos asked, purposefully acting the fool and knowing that she knew.

“What you’re aiming for. We had orders from the Pope… You’re really sure he won’t find out?”

“Hey, if I was sure of anything, I probably wouldn’t even be here.” He winked at her. “But that’s why you wanted to be part of my master plan, right? Gets you excited.”

“I’m excited to kick you right in the kneecaps if that’s what you’re aiming for.”

Zelos laughed, the sound echoing even more harshly in the open room without all the clutter in the way. “See? You have so much energy!”

“I’m only going along with this because I don’t trust the Pope… Even less than I trust you.” Sheena scuffed the bottom of her heels against the floor, truly getting the ‘disgruntled bodyguard to a carefree playboy’ right down to the details. “But we’re going to have keep tracking them so you can finally get to have that talk you want.”

“Perfect! Then we just need a do-over, how hard is that?”

Sheena rolled her eyes. “But now they’re onto us. And why would they talk to us now when they think we’re enemies?”

“Trust me, we can’t have it any other way.”

He knew Sheena was trying so hard to make sense of his logic. “And this is why I still can’t understand you.”

“Then it’s all going according to plan then.”

And Zelos was ready to get his plan into action, but there was, maybe, just one tiny hurdle they had to deal with right now.

“Seriously though, how did you even manage to dig a hole in my floor?” And also, was she covering this? But he didn’t ask that.

“I have my ways of doing things, and you have yours,” she said in a huff. “It’s not even that deep of a hole…”

“…You certainly made it sound like it was.”

“I was just flustered, alright?!” She groaned. “This hole was supposed to be a backup plan… These guys must have known somehow! That’s why they tripped me…”

Zelos nodded, but if truth to be told, he only half-believed her. Sheena was so clumsy, but only at the worst times. Life was tough on the girl.

“Okay, but uh, we’ll need to have this fixed pronto. Don’t want ol’ Sebastian to fall in while he takes care of the place while I’m away.”

Sheena swerved on him immediately. Yes, he could already tell what his plan was. And why she didn’t like this at all. “No, you don’t mean…”

With an ecstatic smile, Zelos wrapped Sheena up in his arms, scooping her off her feet. “That’s right! I’m coming along to chase them down right with ya, hunny~!”

Honestly, even with the bone-crunching punch he received just after, it was worth it.

Sometimes you need to sacrifice a little comfort to go and help change the world, after all.

--

There was something about the Meltokio slums that reminded Lloyd of home, even as he and Colette’s boots would get stuck to the muck of the roads occasionally, or when they’d nearly slipped down the stone steps because it was damaged, city never sending in workers for repairs. (Okay, it was Colette who had slipped, and Lloyd had to quickly catch her, along with the numerous satchels she carried).

The air was quiet as any other part of the city, but the atmosphere of it was on edge, a bit frenzied. Lloyd saw a few eyes peek through the slats of a much too small window. The roof was caved-in, the boards rotted from mildew and infestation most likely.

Once they made it down one road, where it was too squared in by the buildings on either side, the mud building up even more around here – Lloyd signaled for Colette to stop.

“This is as good a place as any,” he said, putting down his own satchel to the muddy ground. Some of it splashed on his cool red jacket. He sighed, but now was not the time to be worried about that stuff.

Colette nodded, putting down her own multiple bags with barely any trouble. “You still think it’s not enough?”

Lloyd looked through the opening of his bag, took a moment, and shrugged. “Maybe for a little bit… I need to step up my own game to catch up to you.”

“It’s okay, Lloyd! I was following your lead the whole time.” Her mask reflected the moonlight, shining both azure and pink. It almost looked like she was ready to go to a fancy costume party with it on – and he wondered if he seemed the same way.

He cleared his throat, opened the bag more, then called out to one of the raggedly-dressed children he could see hiding behind the corner of a building. “Hey! Can you get everyone to come here?”

The child was speechless at first, looking ready to flee. But then they stopped, moving a bit into the light when they saw just who the pair was. “Who… Wait, you’re the Red Phantom?” A turn of their head, gazing at Colette. “And the Blue Angel!”

Ha! They got my name right! Just one other reason why the ruling rich class was no good if they couldn’t even remember the right titles.

Lloyd stood with a flourish, hand up in his signature gesture, with thumb out and pointer finger aligned towards the sky. He flashed a grin at the child. “That’s right! We came here to help.” And with that, he reached into the bag, pulling out what looked like a fistful of pure light to the child.

The child’s eyes widened, more pronounced on their weathered, somewhat pale face. Perhaps from so many nights of hunger and cold temperatures. It only hardened Lloyd’s resolve.

“I’ve… never seen so much Gald!” they breathed. Lloyd could barely tell their face in the dark, but the wonder in their eyes was all too recognizable, too familiar. There was sudden life in the face, compared to before. “Who is that for?”

He didn’t make a show of it this time. Lloyd said it seriously, remembering what he was here for.

“They’re for everyone in the slums. So you don’t go hungry.”

The child gawked at Lloyd, then back the precious coins he held in his hand. “But…this is too much. And the shops are closed anyway…”

Colette piped in, kneeling beside the child. “There should be a few open tonight! Especially the one nearby the inn. Do you know that one?”

One could almost hear a stomach grumble in the night at the mention of food. “The place with the Wonderchef?! We could eat there…?”

Lloyd nodded, carefully taking the child’s hand and giving him the money. “Show your family this if they’re doubting. But we should have enough for everyone in the slums.”

Maybe it was the way the kid’s eyes welled up at that moment, or maybe when he saw more and more people start to gather later, getting up from their beds to see if the rumors of charitable not-thieves were true – but Lloyd felt every burden lift up from his heart as he and Colette gave all that they could sell, all that they could gather.

And all while the rich up top continued to slumber away the night.

They didn’t stay long, as some residents would say later that the masked duo whisked away into the shadows the moment they dropped the very last Gald into an outstretched hand. Lloyd and Colette didn’t give any more words or speeches, this time moving just as silently as they did when they had been up on the higher levels.

… No one would notice them both now in the quieter part of the great city, both seating themselves on one of the many marble arches, watching the sky with its familiar patterns.

“It’s amazing we could sell what we could on the same night thanks to Professor Sage,” Colette commented, her voice a little winded from moving so much tonight. But there was something proud in her tone too, something that Lloyd could relate to right now.

It really was surprising just how much Raine knew of a few connections, like certain dealers that could take a few treasures and exchange them for Gald. Lloyd and Colette couldn’t always estimate just how valuable their goods were, so it was helpful their old teacher knew just how much…

“As long as we get her those relics while we’re out doing this, huh?” Lloyd said aloud, inwardly groaning at the idea of going to another stuffy ruin next. “Maybe we should just look for lost treasure in those places ourselves and sell them. Last time she got so scary when we gave her stuff, I thought she was going to steal us next!”

“Oh, that doesn’t sound too bad.” Colette winked. “We’d never be late to classes!”

“Colette, this is like my worst nightmare, please.”

Even a small tease felt too real, even as he couldn’t stop grinning from what they had accomplished tonight. Lloyd leaned back on his hands, looking up at the sky. It stretched out, so long and dark, its wide array of stars taking over everything.

Still, he had to wonder.

“Colette… do you think what we’re doing is right?”

Colette moved to seat herself closer to him (or tripped, he couldn’t really tell), her expression thoughtful. “I’ve always believed in what you were doing, Lloyd… That you wanted to help people. And you are!”

“I know, I guess somehow.” The little nagging voice in his head kept repeating itself – and it sounded exactly like that strange lady they had met at the mansion before she fell into her own pit. “But maybe there is a better way to do it. And I know dad wasn’t a big fan of the idea of us doing all this either.” With that, he puffed out his chest, clenched both fists, and did the best impression of his dwarven father that he knew how. “Dwarven vow number eleven! Lying is the first step down the path to thievery! Also, eat your tomatoes, lad!”

“Wow, you sounded exactly like him, Lloyd!”

“Heh, thanks. I’ve been practicing a lot.” The trick was getting the gentle raspiness of his father’s voice just right! No easy feat.

But even that brief little ego boost couldn’t last, remembering the meaning of what he just said. “I guess I haven’t exactly been following those vows. Although… I didn’t really lie! Er, that much, I mean.”

“Hm.” Colette tapped a finger against her chin, thinking on his statement so much, and so seriously, that it was kinda worrying Lloyd a bit?

“Hey, you don’t have to think about it that much…”

“Oh! But I just wanted to find a way to help you.”

“Yeah, but now I’m thinking I definitely did something wrong here if it’s got you worried.”

She shook her head. They were both no longer wearing their masks now after their delivery to the poor of Meltokio, and now Lloyd could see the fullness of her eyes. It was a blue of a lighter shade, like a water’s surface during a sunrise. When she wore her mask, he couldn’t see that as much. Maybe they didn’t need to wear their masks all the time…

“I’m not really worried,” she was saying, her breath held rhythmically. She was choosing carefully what she would say next. “It’s just… In this world, there’s not much we can do otherwise, you know? So many people are suffering, and yet, those who have the power to change it, they just… don’t do it. Or they don’t care to. We can’t rely on them.”

From Colette’s words, Lloyd heard his own thoughts echo back. Some people, like his dad, could depend on himself, from building his own home to even taking in a human child that he barely knew. But not everyone could do that, he knew.

“There’s another vow your dad says all the time.”

“Huh? Oh, you mean…” He sighed, but the smile on his face was full of gratitude. “Never abandon someone in need.”

“Yep. And, I think we’ve been doing that the best that we can.” She grinned, a lock of her hair falling across her cheek. “Even if we’re using money from those higher up to do so!”

“Not like that money is being used for anything else! All that Gald was literally just sitting there!”

“Yeah! Though I guess we don’t know if they were going to use it on something good… Maybe they were going to donate that same money!”

“What?! Aw man, now you’re making me question it, Colette!”

But she simply laughed, the sound traveling through his chest and somehow making his heart feel a little less heavy. He smiled, laughing with her.

“Fine, let’s just say we did it faster for them,” Lloyd reasoned. “So now that family can eat tonight.”

“Yeah. Maybe…someday we can do it differently. But I like doing it your way!”

“Honestly, this wouldn’t have turned out so well without that item thief move of yours. I can lockpick but that’s kind of it…”

“And you’re the best at it! You beat your whole record by ten seconds!”

“Hey, I thought you didn’t count it last time!”

“Hm… maybe I just wanted to tease you.”

“Mean, Colette!”

But their continued laughter finally brought back someone familiar; the soft padding of feet along the pavement below them, with a whine that echoed throughout the night. Lloyd wouldn’t even chide Noishe this time, his mood lightening up much more than since when they left that mansion.

“Come on, boy,” he called out gently, and Noishe loped forward, putting his great head against Lloyd’s outstretched hands. A few scratches here and there and the dog’s fluffy tail began wagging, even as his whines continued. “It’s okay. Just bring us home, alright?”

“Will Dirk be awake now?” Colette asked, also patting Noishe along his back, fingers digging through the green fur. Colette would never pass up an opportunity to pet the whining animal.

“Probably… Let’s just sneak inside, we’re good at that! Uh, maybe we are.”

Colette already climbed atop Noishe’s back, the action as natural to her as tripping. “We can get him something from here, like a souvenir!”

Lloyd climbed on too, giving one last scratch behind Noishe’s left ear. “It’ll have to be something we bought and not stole, and I forgot to buy things… I’ll just make him something on the way!”

Meltokio’s walls were high, but there were many hidden cracks in their foundations. Some brought on by the ravages of time, some from disrepair or a lack of maintenance…

… and then some made from a person plainly tripping into a wall. Already as Noishe was rushing along the city, they saw it – that tell-tale Colette-shaped hole, from when she had tripped across an upturned grass tuft and tumbled right into stone like it was nothing.

At the sight, he could hear Colette make a sound full of embarrassment. “I hope I didn’t ruin this wall…”

“No way, it’s fine! Besides, this turned out for the best!” Lloyd would have to squeeze through it himself, as the hole wasn’t exactly his height, but even in Colette’s tumble, she had made sure to make her accident luckier than most.

And just as they finally made it out of the city, and were once again on open plains, with the stars so much brighter without the constant lights from below, so much wider that one could see the silhouette of the Fooji Mountains up ahead, Lloyd turned to Colette.

“Thanks, Colette.”

He knew the words had caught her off guard. Without her mask on, the flush on her cheeks was so much more obvious. Her eyes were bright from the two moons overhead. “Ah, for what?”

“For reminding me of what we’re really doing. I started questioning everything but, I know that we’re doing good. Especially having you with me.”

And maybe, it was kind of cute, her blush, and the way she looked at him just now. “I really do help you, Lloyd?”

“Yeah, of course! I’d have gotten caught on my first job if you weren’t there to tell me that people were still inside that one house.”

“Ah, right. You were just about to barge right in there!”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”

Colette’s hands reached out to grasp Lloyd by the shoulders, balancing herself as Noishe walked. She did this all the time, but it felt different now, like the sky overhead, and the air so brisk against their skin. “But… thank you too, Lloyd. You gave me a way to help people.”

He grinned. “Then let’s keep doing it then.”

And they would, on another night, at another place. But for now, they let Noishe lead them on, past the mountains and for the trees far off in the horizon. Her hands on his shoulders kept him steady until the morning came.

...Yet in all that time, neither noticed the little shadow that trailed after them, its normally colorful fur of azure and orange now muted within the shadows it hid inside. 

Sheena is counting on me, thought Corrine, his soft pads making no sound at all as he leapt after the thieves and their dog. It may have been fast, but Corrine could catch up, sensing them from way further behind.

Still, he followed, a small ringing in the dark.

[orangeoctopi7]

A Time for Every Purpose

: Part 1 : Part 2 :

Mabel stormed up the stairs, tears streaming down her face. It seemed like every time she tried to take her mind off her troubles, every time she tried to cheer up, something came along and made things more complicated. Had it really only been two days ago that she’d been excited about turning 13 and planning their birthday party? Now she had much bigger concerns, like Bill threatening her family, and Ford extending the apprenticeship offer to Dipper and her.

What with the tears in her eyes and the thoughts swirling around in her head, Mabel didn’t see her brother coming, and collided with him as she scurried up the stairs.

“Oh, Mabel, have you seen Great Uncle Ford this morning? I need to ask him…” Dipper trailed off when he realized his sister was trying to hold back tears. “What’s wrong? Did Bill come back? Is someone hurt!?”

Mabel shook her head, wiping her face on the sleeve of her pajama shirt she still hadn’t changed out of.

“I did see Grunkle Ford this morning. He told me I could stay in Gravity Falls too, if I wanted.”

Dipper’s face lit up. Sure, he’d have to completely redo his pros and cons list now, but this took care of the biggest negative on it! “That’s great!” But then he remembered she’d come up here in tears. “...isn’t it?”

“No!” Mabel cried, trying not to break down again. “Now I have to choose between staying here with you in Gravity Falls or going home to mom and dad!”

“Well, now you know how I feel.” Dipper pointed out. “Isn’t this what you wanted, though? This way you don’t have to leave Gravity Falls behind. You get more time with your friends, a little more summer.”

“Maybe. I dunno.” Mabel sighed and sat down on the steps, very close to pulling herself back into sweater town. “That was mostly just wistful thinking because I was afraid that everything was gonna change. I didn’t think it would actually become reality!”

“Hey, I get it. This is a really big, scary decision.” Dipper sat down beside her. “But you don’t have to make it alone. I can help you make a Pros and Cons list if you want.”

Mabel turned to look at her brother. “Dipper, I know last night you said we had to talk about this when we were calm and not super emotional, but I don’t know if I’m ever gonna not be super emotional about this whole mess!”

“Well, maybe making a list will help.”

The colorful girl scrunched up her face. List making was more her brother’s thing, but maybe it would help for her to get on his level for a bit.

“Ok. As long as I get to use glitter gel pens to write it.”

* * *

Stanford stood in the empty kitchen, the phone in his hand blaring a dull dial tone now that Debbs had hung up. It slipped out of his hand and bounced against the counter door on its curly cord. The old inventor was reeling. What had just happened? True, he probably should have anticipated at least a little apprehension from the kids’ mother, but surely, after explaining the advantages and benefits of his apprenticeship, any parent would have been happy to give their children the opportunity to learn at the feet of an accomplished scientist? And not just any scientist, but a family member who loved and cared dearly for those kids! Instead, she’d acted like he was threatening to kidnap them!

Oh you fool, you’ve done it again. The negative part of Ford’s brain chided him.

The old researcher pushed the thought to the back of his mind, instead trying to justify his own reasoning. It was a pattern he’d seen again and again throughout his life. People left. It always happened sooner or later. Sometimes because they found someone or something more important. Sometimes because they realized the relationship was bad for them. Whatever the case, the outcome was always the same. Deborah was simply trying to delay the inevitable. 

“Sooner or later”, yes, and you’re asking the children to leave too soon. That’s what Stanley was trying to tell you, but of course you didn’t listen. 

“No. No, I’m not the one being unreasonable here…” He muttered to himself.

Wasn’t he? Stan, Mabel, Debbs, they’d all acted as though Ford’s desire to keep the children here was wrong. Even Dipper had been unsure about it. 

But you wouldn’t listen to any of them. You’ve only ever hear what you want to hear. Just like with Fiddleford, just like with Bill!

Perhaps the pattern of people leaving didn’t apply to everyone. Only to him.

“What is wrong with me?” He groaned as he slid down to sit on the floor.

What’s wrong with you? You’re disgusting! Of course no one wants you! The freakish hands are only the tip of the iceberg. You push away anyone with the misfortune to actually get close enough to care about you, but not without doing some serious damage first. Because you don’t understand people and their emotions and relationships. You don’t even understand your own species.

Ford dug his fingers into his hair and closed his eyes tight, trying to steady his breathing. It was true! That was why he’d felt so at home in Gravity Falls, studying supernatural beings. That was how he’d survived thirty years in the multiverse, hopping from one alien society to the next. 

The only ones who’ve ever really wanted you just wanted to use you. Bill, the Dean at Backupsmore, your father… Stan…

Stan… Ford wasn’t sure if he believed that anymore. Surely his brother wouldn’t have spent thirty years trying to fix the portal just to use Ford.

No, he was just fine using your identity to make a cozy little life for himself in Gravity Falls while you were gone.

That just raised further questions, though. Stan had a stable life here. He had to have known Ford’s return would mean giving up the identity he’d been living under for thirty years. Even if Stan hadn’t expected his brother to insist he shut his phony business down, he at least had to have known his livelihood would be endangered. Wouldn’t it have been easier not to risk it all and just leave Ford to his fate? The only possible explanation was that Stan cared enough, or at least felt guilty enough, to motivate him to continue trying for thirty years.

Still, as noble as Stan’s intentions may have been, he still put the whole world, no, the whole universe, in danger by reactivating the portal. How could he have ever expected Ford to be ok with that?

A small part of Ford couldn’t help but wonder if he would have done the same, had their roles been reversed. 

Then of course, there was Stan’s horrible timing. Ford had been this close to destroying Bill, to finally fixing his mistakes, when he was whisked back to Gravity Falls. It seemed like every time Ford got close to making a decisive strike against Bill, something went wrong. He only had himself to blame for the glue situation, but if Stan hadn’t...

It wasn’t like he had known.

He still shouldn’t have done it. It was far too dangerous.

If Stan hadn’t brought him back, he never would have met Dipper and Mabel.

Stan had put the children in danger on top of everything else.

If it hadn’t happened when it did, Ford would have died trying to take Bill down with him.

Ford had known the risks and had been prepared to make whatever sacrifice was necessary to bring Bill down. Stan had ruined his chance… hadn’t he?

You heard what Bill said. He hates you. Why can’t you just hate him back?

Bill always lies. 

There was an abundance of evidence that Stan didn’t hate him. That he actually cared quite a lot.

Ford curled in on himself, the warring thoughts swirling in his head blocking out the rest of the world around him. He didn’t hear his brother coming until the old conman appeared in the doorway, eyes blazing with fury.

“Ford!” Stan shouted, his voice charged with anger.

He hates you.

Ford’s fight or flight instincts took over, and this time they favored flight. He had to get out of there. He darted out of the room as fast as he could.

* * *

Dipper was glad that Mabel had accepted his help to put together her own Pros and Cons list. Not only was it helping him redo his list, she also came up with several negative points he hadn’t considered, like the fact that he’d be leaving behind his friends back at Piedmont Junior High. While Mabel definitely had more friends at school, there were still a couple of classmates that Dipper would consider his friends, although he wasn’t nearly as close with them as he had become with Soos and Wendy. 

Besides, he did kinda feel like he’d been neglecting Mabel over the past couple of days. He was just trying to figure all of this out, the rift, Ford’s apprenticeship, and Bill. Trying to comfort Mabel on top of all that just seemed like too much. Once he had the time to sit down and organize his thoughts, to really think things out, it became much less overwhelming. He trusted his Great Uncle to deal with the rift and Bill for now, and he was figuring out the apprenticeship thing.

It was interesting to see Mabel’s thought process as she put together her own list. She liked Dipper’s point value system, but they both scored the same things very differently. She thought getting to explore the caves behind the falls was only worth three points, tops, and she classified continuing to work at the Mystery Shack as a pro, not a con. 

Dipper decided not to share his doubts on whether Ford would allow Stan to continue running the Shack out of his home. Mabel already had enough on her mind.

"So, once you finish your list, you add up the points on both sides and whichever has the most points wins." Dipper explained.

"How do you know when it's finished?"

Dipper shrugged. “Just… whenever you can’t think of any more pros or cons, I guess.”

“But what if I forget something important?”

“Well, I mean, it can’t be that important if you forgot it.” 

Mabel sighed and started adding up her totals. Dipper did the same. Pros won out on both lists, although Mabel’s was by a slimmer margin. The boy laughed excitedly and beamed at his sister. She gulped. Despite what the numbers said, this still didn’t sit right with her.

“So we’ll both stay in Gravity Falls, together!” Dipper exclaimed. “I can’t believe it, this is like a dream come true!”

Mabel gasped. “Wait, that’s it!”

“What?”

“I think I finally figured out why I feel so wrong about this apprenticeship thing!” Mabel grabbed her brother by the shoulders. “You said you can’t believe it! Why?”

Dipper’s smile faltered. “Mabel, it’s just a figure of speech…”

“Yeah, but you used it now for a reason. Why?”

“Because…” Dipper stopped and thought about it for a moment. “Because if you’d told me two months ago that I was going to stay in Gravity Falls and work with the Author of the Journals, and that he was a long-lost relative, I’d think you were crazy.”

“Exactly. And I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Gravity Falls. I wanted more time with my friends.” Mabel agreed. “You said it yourself. Taking Grunkle Ford’s offer is a dream come true. Because staying in Gravity Falls is like living in a dream, or a fairy tale!”

“...What are you getting at here?” Dipper asked apprehensively.

“If we stay here, that’s not preparing us for the real world! We need to grow up in the real world first!”

“Are you implying that Gravity Falls isn’t real? That we’ve just dreamed up this whole summer?” Dipper asked incredulously. 

“No, of course not!” Mabel scoffed. “Sorry, maybe I’m not explaining this very well. Obviously, Gravity Falls is real. We’ve got real family and real friends here. And we’ve both grown up a lot over this past summer here. But would we keep on growing if we just stayed here all the time? Would we learn the things we need to grow up if we stay in a place where most of the grown-ups still act like kids? This is the kind of place where a nine-year-old can claim to be a child psychic and everyone believes him. This is the kind of place where the local kooky hobo is a genius inventor who builds death robots. This is the kind of place where a long-lost Grunkle can come out of a mysterious portal. This is the kind of place where a sad journalist like Toby Determined can have his own newspaper. Does that sound like the real world to you?”

Dipper grimaced. “Yeah, I guess I see your point. But… I thought you didn’t want to grow up?”

Mabel frowned and rubbed her arm sheepishly. “You’re right, I don’t want to…” She then looked up with renewed determination in her eyes. “But I know that I need to.”

The boy gave his sister a proud smile “You’re a lot more mature than most people give you credit for.”

“Thanks, Dip.”

“But…” His face fell. “I do feel like there’s so much more to learn about Gravity Falls… and I don’t want to disappoint Great Uncle Ford. I know he’d really love us to stay. I get the feeling he’s really lonely. The apprenticeship is everything I’ve wanted all summer… how can I just walk away from it?”

Mabel patted her brother on the shoulder. “Well, even if it’s not the right time to stay in Gravity Falls now, maybe someday when we are a little more grown up, we could move out here all year. So don’t think of it as walking away. Just think of it as saying ‘Not now’. And don’t worry about Grunkle Ford. He’s our family and he loves us! I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Dipper sighed and nodded. “I hope you’re right. Ever since Ford offered me the apprenticeship, I haven’t felt ready. He said I shouldn’t worry, because I’ve already accomplished so much, but I guess it’s not really about doubting my own abilities. It’s just not the right time in my life.”

“Guess we should go tell him, then, huh?”

“Oh yeah!” Dipper smacked his head. “I was heading downstairs to ask him to help Wendy with Bill-proofing her house. Maybe we can talk to him about it after that?”

Mabel nodded. “Yeah, making sure Wendy and her family are safe is more important. And it’s like Grunkle Ford keeps saying, we’ve got all week!”

* * *

After leaving Soos to look after the giftshop, Stan made a beeline for the kitchen where he knew his brother had been using the phone just moments ago. That nerd was about to get the talking-to of his life!

“Ford!” Stan called as he stormed down the hall. No response. 

He pushed the door open brusquely. The kitchen appeared empty, and the phone was hanging off its hook.

“Ford?” He called again. Suddenly, a figure shot out from behind the table. Stan barely had time to register that it was his brother before Ford dashed out of the room. What the heck had he been doing hiding practically under the table?

“Oh no, you’re not gettin’ off that easy!” Stan grumbled under his breath as he followed his brother. Sure, he wasn’t as fast as Ford, but the nerd had scrambled away so frantically that it wasn’t hard to follow his trail.

Unsurprisingly, the string of jostled furniture and scuffed floors led straight to Ford’s room. Also unsurprisingly, the door was locked. Stan rolled his eyes and slid a bobby pin out of his sleeve. What was even the point of locking a door that was so easy to pick?

Stan’s frustration with his brother evaporated as soon as he opened the door and got a good look. Ford was sitting in the corner of the sectional couch, curled up on himself. It wasn’t too far off from Mabel’s “Sweater Town”. The old researcher’s breaths came in short, shallow gasps, and he was eyeing his brother with the sort of caution a normal person would give an angry moose.

Was Ford… having a panic attack?

“Hey…” Stan said softly, approaching his brother with caution. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Ford took a deep breath, and Stan could practically see his brother bottling up his emotions as the old nerd’s face became blank.

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong.” Ford said stoicly.

“Sure. And you bolted out of the kitchen just now because you saw a spider.”

Ford's blank expression flickered for a moment as annoyance crept in. "You startled me."

"Obviously." Stan rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I called Debbs back after she hung up on you."

"You were eavesdropping on me?" Ford accused coldly.

"Yeah, and it's a good thing too! I managed to smooth things over with her so the kids can still come back here next year, and you're still allowed to spend time with them!"

Ford didn't reply. He just kept staring straight ahead, stoney-faced.

"She just wanted me to have a talk with you. About you and the kids."

“She doesn’t have to worry. I doubt either of the children will want to spend time with me once they hear about this.”

Stan scoffed. “This isn’t gonna make the kids wanna stop spendin’ time with you, not by a long shot.”

“Perhaps not.” Ford agreed. “They’re still children, quick to forgive and forget. I’ll have to separate myself from them for their own good.”

“Wait, what?”

“Your original assessment was correct. I need to stay away from the kids. If not to protect them from the physical danger that comes with my line of work, then to protect them from the emotional danger of growing attached to a damaged man who doesn’t understand the simplest of human interactions.” He explained in a detached tone. 

"Ohno you don't!" Stan retorted. "I didn't just stick my neck out for you, just so you could push the kids away! Those kids love your guts, and it'd hurt 'em a lot more if you just suddenly cut them off!"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about." Ford said clinically, as though he was explaining the problem with one of his experiments and not his own insecurities. "I have no understanding of the thoughts and feelings of others. The fact that you had to talk their mother into allowing me to continue spending time with the children confirms it.”

Stan heaved a sigh. "You still don't really understand why Debbs said no, do you?"

"I understand perfectly."

"I don't think you do." The old conman shook his head. "It's like I keep telling you, they're just kids. They still need their mom, and she still needs them."

"Yes, you were right and I didn't listen to you. Just one of many signs that I'm unable to properly interact with other human beings."

"I'm not finished! The thing you're not getting is just because you can't wedge your way into their parents' place, doesn't mean you can't be in the kids' lives at all! You're still a part of this family."

"And yet Deborah took my offer as a threat."

"Debbs doesn't know you from Adam, Ford! Of course she freaked out! I couldn’t explain the whole situation to her, but I did tell her those kids are the best thing that’s happened to you in 30 years.”

Ford couldn’t deny Stan’s statement. “I can’t do it again!” His prior panic finally burst out of its bottles. “I can’t stand to hurt another person I care about because I don’t even realize what I’m doing wrong until it’s too late! And I don’t even listen when someone tries to explain it to me!” His flare of anger died down, and he curled back in on himself again. “What is wrong with me?” He moaned.

Stan cautiously took a seat on the other end of the couch. “Nothin’s wrong with you.”

The old researcher scoffed. “A lifetime of my experience says otherwise.”

“Look, just because you’re not good with people doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Not everyone’s a people person.”

“This goes far beyond not being a people person. I’ve hurt everyone I’ve ever come into contact with.”

“Wow, exaggeration much?”

“How can you joke about this when you’re one of the people I’ve hurt the most!?”

The two brothers froze as Ford’s words hung in the air. Stan was at a loss. Since when did Ford feel like he hurt Stan instead of the other way around?

“See, you can’t even deny it.” Ford continued when Stan didn’t have a response. “It’s just eas-- It’s just safer if I just stay out of everyone’s lives.”

“You can’t just cut yourself off from the world, genius.” The old conman finally found his words again. “You’re the one who was sayin’ you don’t wanna be alone anymore.”

“...I don’t want anyone else to get hurt either.”

Stan paused as he tried to think of how to handle this. “We still gotta stop Bill, right? That’s not something you can do alone.”

“I’ve been doing it alone for thirty years.”

“Yeah, and that’s worked real well, hasn’t it?”

“I was about to end him!” Ford shouted. “I was seconds away from taking the shot, when you opened the portal again and whisked me away!”

“...Oh.” Stan squeaked. He didn’t know how else to respond to that. So he just moved on with the conversation. “Listen, even you’ve gotta admit, you’ve had more success with those kids' help. Dipper helped you get that alien stuff you needed. Mabel pointed out the glue problem you never even realized. If we’re gonna take down this Bill guy, your best bet is to work with us, whether you like it or not. And yeah, maybe it’s risky, but isn’t it riskier to just sit around waitin’ for Bill to make his move?”

Ford just stared coldly back at his brother. “You’re not going to apologize?”

Stan rolled his eyes. “I’m not gonna apologize for saving your life, no.”

The old researcher frowned and furrowed his brow, but he didn’t seem surprised by Stan’s response. He sat there thinking for a few moments before finally speaking again.

“I can see the logic in needing to work together to stop Bill. The children have proven to be incredibly resourceful in that department. And in less than a week, they’ll be returning to California. I suppose it won’t matter after that.”

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. “For cryin’ out loud, they’re just one state over, not on a different planet. All those arguments you were makin’ about the kids still bein’ able to stay in touch over the computer? That applies to you too, genius. You can even drive down and visit if you want.”

“It’s not about what I want. It’s about what’s best for Dipper and Mabel.”

“Heh, well, good to see we’re finally on the same page there at least. But I’m tellin’ ya, being their mad-scientist uncle is what’s best for them. And what’s best for you too.”

Ford was torn. He wanted to believe Stan’s words, but it was hard to ignore that negative part of his brain, telling him that Stan was a liar, and digging up all the times he had hurt people before. He pushed it to the back of his head for now. Better to focus on stopping Bill and protecting the rift. Speaking of which….

“If we’re both here, who’s guarding the lab entrance!?” 

“Relax, I left Soos to keep an eye on things.”

Stan’s reassurance was immediately undermined by the sound of a fight breaking out in the giftshop.

* * *

“Hey Soos, you seen Stan anywhere?” Wendy asked as she reentered the gift shop. 

Soos was clearing out the old inventory. After Mr. Pines’ Mystery Science Brother came in and asked Wendy questions about her dream, it had been a quiet day at the Mystery Shack. 

“He was here a minute ago, but he said he had to have another talk with his brother.”

Wendy rolled her eyes. “Of course. Well, I’m just gonna take off then. I gotta take care of some stuff. Let him know I decided to take the day off after all if you see him.”

“You got it, dude.” He assured her as she left.

Soos had been wanting a word with his boss himself, but whenever the handyman was about to ask Mr. Pines a question, Mr. Mystery was suddenly busy, giving a tour for just two people, yelling at his brother, or listening in on an important phone call.

It was clear that Mr. Pines was hiding something, and not the usual somethings Mr. Pines would hide, like incriminating evidence or suggestion cards. No, Soos got the impression that Mr. Pines was hiding something specifically from him. It wasn’t all that strange for Stan to avoid talking about anything that even remotely resembled feelings. But it was strange for Stan to avoid talking about what they were going to do for the off season. And even stranger for him to refuse free labor. True, there was a bunch of major drama going down in the Pines family right now, but it wasn’t like Mr. Pines to let it affect how he ran his business.

“The Mystery Shack has needed to be rebuilt like four times in the last two months. Maybe Stan’s just worried because all this reconstruction is costing too much money.” Soos reasoned to himself as he worked alone in the giftshop. But he didn’t quite believe himself.

The bell over the giftshop door jingled, distracting Soos from his thoughts. He quickly ran to the cash register, ready to serve another customer. “Welcome to the Mystery Shack dude!”

“Hello.” A short man with a grotesque face and a tiny 1930’s style reporter’s hat replied.

“Oh, hey Toby! I see you got away from that griffin!”

“I was indigestible!” Toby Determined said as if he was proudly proclaiming he got a new haircut.

“That’s cool. What brings you here?”

“I’m here to interview you, actually!” the reporter explained. “Rumor has it that Mr. Mystery has a long lost twin, and you’re the man with the inside scoop!”

“I mean, it’s kinda supposed to be a secret.” Soos hesitated. “I’ve only told Wendy, and my abuelita, and the mailman, and everyone who was at Greasy's Diner during the lunch rush last Saturday…”

“You’d get to be on the front page of the Gravity Falls Gossiper!” Toby enticed in a sing-song voice, holding up today’s issue for good measure.

“I’ll do it!” Soos declared.

“Perfect! Now, to start off, I’ll need to take your photo!”

“Oh hey, when’d you get a real camera?” Soos asked as Toby pulled out a large camera with an even larger flashbulb.

“Oh, uh, just recently.” Toby chuckled nervously. “Now, you stand right over there, next to that display of bright, shiny, reflective crystals. And I’ll stand right here, next to this clearly out of order vending machine.”

Soos struck a pose where Toby had told him to stand. “Oh, dude, wait--” He remembered he was supposed to be guarding the vending machine just as the reporter snapped the photo. The camera’s flash reflected and refracted through the crystals, blinding the handyman.

“Ah! My eyes!”

“Ah! Also my eyes!”

Unfortunately for Toby, he hadn’t stopped to think that maybe he should protect himself from the flash.

“Uh, dude, could you do me a favor and not touch that vending machine until my eyes adjust back to normal?”

“Never!” The determined reporter declared. “The man in the color-changing clothes and funny goggles told me I could be with Shandra Jimenez forever if I brought him the magic sticky ball hidden in the secret basement!” 

Toby felt around blindly for the machine’s key-pad and started pressing buttons randomly. Soos followed the beeping sound and tackled the little man to the ground. 

“Not cool, dude! You are officially banned from our FCLORP team!” 

“No!” Toby whined. “You guys are the only people who tolerate me!”

“Well, you should’ve thought of that before you tried to break into Dr. Pines’ secret lab, dude! Which, uh, which he totally doesn’t have. That… that’s not a real thing.”

Toby obviously didn’t believe him, as he continued to struggle against Soos for access to the vending machine. Soos easily stopped him by just sitting on top of him.

“Y’know.” the handyman mused as his eyes began to adjust back to normal. “Dipper and Mabel put up a much harder fight than you. I’m just sayin’ you might wanna start doin’ more exercise and stuff. I know a place at the mall that teaches karate! I’ve been goin’ there since I was ten.”

“Let me go!” Toby demanded as he flailed his arms and legs uselessly.

“No can do, dawg. I promised Mr. Pines I’d hold down the fort while he’s busy taking care of family junk.”

Soos didn’t have to keep Toby at bay for much longer. For the second time that day, Dr. Pines burst out of the Employees Only door. He had his blaster drawn, and Stan wasn’t far behind him.

“What happened!?” Ford barked, aiming his blaster down at Toby’s wriggling form. “What is that thing?”

“Uh, I think Bill got to Toby.” Soos explained.

The old researcher grimaced. “Bill must have used some sort of magical artefact to mutate him!”

“What? No, he’s always been like that.” Stan corrected him. “What’d the triangle promise you, Toby?”

“Triangle?” The reporter asked in confusion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“He said a dude in color-changing clothes and funny goggles told him he could be with Shandra Jimenez forever if he got the magic sticky ball in the secret basement.” Soos recounted.

“And nothing about that seemed suspicious to you?” Stan asked.

“Well, not particularly…”

“Why am I not surprised.” The old conman rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Somebody’s pullin’ a prank on you, Toby. The Mystery Shack doesn’t have a basement.”

“Oh, but he was so convincing!” Toby whined.

“He is very convincing.” Ford said gravely. “Where were you when he found you? Do you know where he is now?”

“He just came into the printing room while I was finishing off this morning’s publication. He told me to bring the ball to the dump.”

Ford scratched his chin thoughtfully, considering all the information before him. “It’s probably a trap. I doubt Bill expected this attempt to work.”

“Really, what gave you that idea?” Stan asked sarcastically. “Hey Toby, if you leave now and promise not to come back, I won’t press charges.”

“Hooray!”

“Oh, and gimme a call if you see that, uh, prankster again.”

The reporter agreed and left. Ford immediately began pacing.

“This was almost a disaster! If Bill had sent a competent pawn instead of this distraction, the rift would be broken by now!” He rounded on Stan “Why did you leave the secret entrance unguarded!?”

“I didn’t leave it unguarded, I left Soos.” Stan defended. “And yeah, he’s a goofus, but he got the job done, so I don’t see what you’re complaining about.”

“Aw, thanks Mr. Pines.”

“Don’t get mushy on me, kid.”

“Everything turned out alright this time, yes.” Ford admitted. “But what if Bill sends someone or something more dangerous than a tiny goblin man?”

“I can totally handle it, dude.” Soos assured him. “I’ve fought puhterodactyls, haunted animatronics, and ate my way out of a creepy monster made of candy.”

“Really?” Ford looked at the handyman like he was just seeing Soos properly for the first time.

The conversation paused when Dipper and Mabel entered the room.

“Here’s everybody. Hey Great Uncle Ford, can I ask you a favor for Wendy?” Dipper asked. He then took in Ford’s frantic pacing and Soos’s rumpled clothes. “What’s going on?”

“Toby Determined just tried to break into the lab.” Stan replied nonchalantly, like he was commenting on finding gnomes in the trash again.

“What?” The young twins cried in unison.

“Was it Bill?” Mabel asked in concern.

“It couldn’t have been, the barrier spell is still up.” Dipper reasoned. “Right?”

“The barrier is still intact, yes.” Ford assured them. “It appears Bill convinced Toby to find the rift while possessing the same time travel agent as before.”

“Poor Blendin.” Mabel worried.

“I can’t believe Bill actually tried to use Toby.” Dipper said incredulously. “I mean, he can’t have gotten very far.”

“He didn’t.” Stan said simply.

“I sat on him.” Soos added.

“It seems like Bill is trying to set some sort of trap.” Ford explained. “Bill told Toby to bring the rift to the dump. I suspect he shared that information knowing that Toby would get caught, and that we would interrogate him.”

“That’s weird. Why would Bill want us to go to the dump?” Dipper wondered. “Unless…” the boy’s eyes widened and as he glanced at his sister, he knew the same awful realization was dawning on her. Neither of them had heard from McGucket since the party at Northwest Manor, the day before the portal reopened. 

“Unless what?” Ford asked eagerly.

“Uhhh…” the young twins hemmed. They’d purposely forgotten to tell Ford about what happened to his old friend. How do you tell someone their best friend had driven himself insane and was now a homeless coot living in the dump? Although, considering Ford read Dipper’s entries in the Journal, the old researcher probably at least had an idea of how far McGucket had fallen.

“You remember your old research buddy, right?” Mabel asked awkwardly.

“...What does Fiddleford have to do with this situation?”

“He… kinda lives in the dump now.” Dipper’s reply pitched up at the end, almost like it was a question.

Ford stared at them agape for a moment. “I’d gathered that his mental state had deteriorated since I left, but… from what Dipper had written, it seemed like he was still working in robotics. How--why is he living in the dump!?”

“I think he’s just really bad with money.” Mabel shrugged. “He won a sweepstakes earlier this summer and he’s already spent it all on junky cars from Gleeful’s Auto Sales.”

“Yeah, I think he just used them for parts to build the Gideon-bot.” Dipper added.

“And you both believe he’s still at the dump?” Ford asked, distraught.

“Well, that’s where he’s lived all summer.” Dipper said slowly. “But… neither of us have seen him since the night before you got here.”

The old researcher finally stopped pacing and sat down heavily in the chair behind the cash register, running his fingers anxiously through his hair.

“Even if it is most likely a trap, that’s bait I can’t ignore…”

“We have to go find him and make sure he’s ok!” Mabel insisted.

“Yeah, but we can’t just walk right into an obvious trap!” Dipper exclaimed. 

“So just sneak in.” Stan suggested. “It’s the dump, not the State Penitentiary.” 

Ford shook his head. “Bill can’t be snuck up on, he has eyes everywhere. Our best hope is to take a direct approach and be prepared for anything.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, of course you would wanna go in guns ablazing.”

“Says the man who thinks every problem can be solved by punching it!”

“Ok, ok.” Dipper held up his hands, hoping his Grunkles would be able to stop fighting long enough to come up with a plan. “But launching a full-scale rescue mission is probably exactly what Bill wants. We can’t leave the Shack and the Rift unguarded.”

“Eh, Soos can probably watch it again.” Stan said.

“Sure thing, Mr. Pines.”

“Actually, I think Soos’s abilities might be better suited for our rescue mission.” Ford suggested. “We’ll need an unpredictable element. Someone who Bill is likely to underestimate. I think you’d be better to stay and guard the lab, Stanley.”

“Fine by me.” Stan shrugged. “I honestly couldn’t care less what happens to Old Man McGucket.”

Ford scowled at his brother, but held his tongue for now.

“I think we’ll need more than just Stan to watch the Shack.” Dipper reasoned. 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, kid.” Stan said sarcastically.

“It’s not like I doubt your skills, I’ve seen you punch dinosaurs and fight zombies, but Bill is really dangerous, and we can’t afford to take any risks.” The boy looked around the giftshop. “Where’s Wendy?”

“Oh yeah, she took the rest of the day off.” Soos remembered. “She said she had to take care of some stuff.”

“Aw man.” Dipper groaned. The lumberjack’s daughter would have been the perfect person to help Stan guard the Shack. She was cunning and resourceful and could bury a hatchet’s blade three inches into a tree from ten feet away.

Mabel tugged on her brother’s vest. “Dipper, you should stay here with Stan.”

“What? But I wanna go with Great Uncle Ford! And, uh, I was the last one who saw McGucket at the party!” The boy protested, trying to throw some weak logic behind his desire.

“I know, but… but…” The girl threw her arms around her brother as she failed to keep her voice from trembling. “I’m so scared that Bill is gonna hurt you again! Please, can’t you just stay here where you’re safe from him?”

Dipper returned her hug. “I don’t want him to hurt you either. Maybe both of us should stay?”

Mabel shook her head. “No, somone’s gotta go make sure McGucket’s alright, and if it is a trap, Grunkle Ford’s gonna need all the help he can get.”

“Just promise you’ll be careful.”

“Don’t worry, brobro, I’ve always got my secret weapon!” Mabel assured him, pulling out her grappling hook.

“I’ll make sure she’s safe.” Ford promised, making pointed eye contact first with Dipper, then with Stan.

“Yeah, you better. Otherwise it’s your funeral when her mom finds out.” Stan grunted.

“Does everyone have what you need to defend yourselves?” Ford asked. Mabel held up her grappling hook, and Soos grabbed a shovel out of the Shack’s utility closet. “Then let’s go! We’ll discuss a plan on the way there.”

[pikapeppa]

Felassan/f!Lavellan: Imshael

Chapter 14 of The Love That Grows From Violence (Felassan x Tamaris Lavellan) is posted!

In which a lot of lore is discussed, including the story from Tevinter Nights that’s narrated by a character named Hollix. A note before we start: Hollix is a master of disguises whose gender identity is non-binary or fluid, but in this fic, I have Dorian calling Hollix ‘she/her’ because that’s what Dorian calls Hollix in the Tevinter Nights story — he gets the impression that Hollix is a ‘she/her’ based on Hollix’s disguises, an impression that Hollix doesn’t correct because they easily and cheerfully slip into either gender identity/role as part of their position as a Lord of Fortune.

~6000 words; read here on AO3 instead.

**********************

“Listen closely now,” Dorian said jauntily. “My story begins with a series of unsolved and rather gruesome murders that had been going on in Minrathous for some time. Rumours had started to circulate that the perpetrator was a creature that came to be called the Cekorax.”

“Cekorax?” Varric asked. “What does that mean?”

“It’s a butchering of the old Tevene word for ‘headsman’,” Dorian said. “The creature earned this charming name because its victims were all found without their heads.”

Tamaris grimaced, and Felassan laughed. “This story is exciting already.”

“Not quite so exciting for those who lost their heads, but I digress,” Dorian said delicately. “No one was doing anything about it, unfortunately, especially since the beast hadn’t attacked any of the altus class yet. So I put out a bounty for the perpetrator’s head, and the person who came to my aid was a wily little thing whom I’ll affectionately call Hollix.”

Tamaris raised an eyebrow. “That you’ll call Hollix? What was their actual name?”

“I haven’t a clue,” he said cheerfully. “I called her Hollix on a whim. She decided to keep the name while she was in Minrathous, and who am I to argue with the adoption of a silly nickname?”

“Fair enough,” Varric said.

“Of course you’d agree,” Dorian said drolly. “In any case, Hollix did some unsavoury investigating for me — for a fair price, of course — and discovered that the creature doing all the killing was…” He sighed. “Frankly, it was a creature of unearthly and uncanny horror. And you know I don’t say this lightly, considering all that we’ve seen together.”

“No kidding,” Tamaris said flatly.

Felassan sat forward and rested his elbows on the table. “What did it look like? This uncanny creature of horror?”

“I can only tell you so much firsthand, as I was high above the action when the creature presented itself,” Dorian said. “But Hollix described it more fully. It was…” He hesitated for a moment before going on. “It was an enormous fleshy mass as large as a house that was able to peel parts of itself away to produce… tentacles. Unbelievably long tentacles bearing human eyes that it had stolen from its victims’ heads.”

Tamaris exchanged a horrified look with Varric. “So it just took the victims’ eyes?” she asked Dorian. 

“Unfortunately, no,” Dorian said. He sounded very serious now. “In the deepest part of this fleshy mass, it was harbouring the heads of all of its victims. Over two dozen heads, Hollix said — all perfectly preserved as though they were still alive. And the monster was… animating the heads. Speaking through their mouths.”

A cold ripple of revulsion ran down the back of Tamaris’s neck. “Oh fuck,” she breathed.

“Shit,” Varric muttered.

Felassan narrowed his eyes. “It was speaking through the heads? Using their mouths to express its own thoughts?”

“Apparently,” Dorian said. “Hollix said it was trying to lure her into joining it. To ‘keep her safe’, it said.”

Felassan leaned back in his chair and tapped his fingers on the table. “So it seemed to have motivations of its own. That’s fascinating.”

Tamaris tilted her head. “Do you know something about this?” 

He grinned. “Are you asking if I’m responsible? That hurts. I’m clever, but I’m hardly diabolical.”

She tsked. “Of course I don’t think you’re responsible. But is it an ancient monster or something like that?”

His smile faded slightly. “I… honestly can’t say.” To Dorian he said, “How did you defeat this creature in the end?”

“An ingenious plan that I regret to admit was not mine,” Dorian said. “The creature had entwined itself in one of the city’s finest public gardens, which happens to be just below my apartment. Hollix cleared the gardens and exploded the fountain with gaatlok so the creature was drenched, and Maevaris and I electrocuted it from the upper balcony of my apartment.”

Tamaris raised her eyebrows. “So wait, you weren’t even in the garden during all this? I thought you said you were involved in the disgustingness.”

“I was involved,” he said. “That doesn’t mean I was in it. Can you imagine?”

Tamaris snorted in amusement. “You’re such a spoiled noble.”

“I do miss your loving insults,” he said. “In actual fact, though, Mae and I had to keep distant so the monster wouldn’t suspect anyone else but Hollix was involved. I do feel sorry for Hollix though, poor thing. The creature popped like an enormous filthy balloon when we zapped it, and she got rather, er, moist in the process. When all was said and done, only the creature’s skin was left behind.”

Varric grimaced. “Like a sausage casing?”

“Ugh,” Dorian said. “That’s what Hollix said. Believe me, you wouldn’t be thinking about food if you’d seen what I had.”

Tamaris looked at Felassan. “So? Does it sound familiar to you?”

He twisted his lips. “Yes and no, actually. It almost sounds like one of Ghilan’nain’s delights, but not completely.”

Tamaris blinked in surprise. What did Ghilan’nain have to do with a horrific murderous monster in Minrathous?

“Ghilan’nain?” Dorian said. “Isn’t that one of the Dalish gods? Er, so to speak.”

“Yes indeed,” Felassan said. He raised his eyebrows at Tamaris. “Would you care to start us off?”

She groaned. “Do I have to?”

He chuckled. “No, you don’t. But it would be informative for everyone.”

“Uh-huh,” she said skeptically. Then she addressed Varric and Dorian’s crystal. “The Dalish say that Ghilan’nain was the mother of halla, and the goddess of navigation and wayfaring. She was actually a mortal who was raised to the status of a goddess thanks to Andruil, who’s the goddess of hunting.” Then she frowned at Felassan. “But in the Temple of Mythal, we found an old inscription that Solas translated. It said that Ghilan’nain created all kinds of creatures, but the creatures ran rampant through the elves’ lands until the Evanuris offered her godhood in exchange for destroying them.” 

Felassan grinned. “Fen’Harel translated that for you?”

“Yes, he did.”

Felassan chuckled. “I can just imagine him screaming on the inside while he read that to you.”

She offered him a slightly bitter smirk, and he folded his arms. “Well, that inscription had the right of it. Like all the Evanuris, Ghilan’nain was a powerful mage, and her favourite hobby was creating new forms of life.” He held up a finger. “Wait, I should be specific: she created new forms of life from ones that already existed, blending and forming them into new creatures that were increasingly spectacular and powerful.”

Tamaris harrumphed. “Until the Evanuris got sick of her shit, it seems.”

Felassan smiled at her. “Blunt as always, avise, but yes. This was before my time, but my understanding is that Andruil became enamoured with Ghilan’nain, who created increasingly insane creatures for Andruil to hunt. Andruil praised her efforts, which spurred Ghilan’nain’s experiments on.” He smirked. “They encouraged each other’s insanity, just as any good couple should.”

Dorian chuckled, and Varric ruefully shook his head. “Very romantic, Jester.”

“I am, aren’t I?” he said. “In any case, Andruil and Ghilan’nain’s… activities eventually drew concern from the other Evanuris, who offered to raise Ghilan’nain to the status of a goddess if she destroyed her more disturbing creatures. By that time, she had already gained a measure of infamy among the people, so it took little propaganda for them to believe she was a goddess like the others.”

“Let me guess,” Dorian said. “Her experimenting didn’t stop just because she became a goddess.”

Felassan widened his eyes in mocking surprise. “How did you know?”

Tamaris folded her arms. “But you don’t really think that this Cekorax could actually be one of Ghilan’nain’s creatures. That would mean it was thousands of years old.”

Varric shrugged. “It’s not impossible, Cuddles. Think about some of the old shit we’ve encountered. Corypheus, the Titan…”

“A certain person in this room,” Felassan said blandly.

Tamaris snorted a laugh, and he winked at her. Then Dorian spoke through the crystal. “Whether this creature is new or old, what was it doing roaming around beneath Minrathous?”

“That is an excellent question,” Felassan said thoughtfully.

“Can you answer it?” Tamaris asked.

He shrugged. “I can try.” To Tamaris and Varric he said, “Recall that I told you about Mythal’s Sentinels, and how the other Evanuris sought warriors who were equally dedicated and fierce?”

“Yeah,” Varric said.

Felassan nodded. “Ghilan’nain’s efforts involved attempts to make hybrid… species that would be good fighters and soldiers. And her experiments didn’t just use non-sentient animals anymore.”

A cold stone of horror dropped into Tamaris’s gut. “She started experimenting on slaves?”

“Yes,” Felassan said. His manner was completely serious now, without a hint of levity. “From what we gathered at the time, she wanted her… creations to have some level of sentience, but not so much that they would try to rebel. Which is why I wonder if this Cekorax wasn’t just a simple monster, but a monster possessed by a spirit, since it sounds like it had more… motivation than Ghilan’nain’s surviving creatures had.”

Varric sighed and rubbed his chin. “A possessed monster? As if a regular monster wasn’t bad enough.”

Felassan didn’t reply, and Tamaris looked at him; he had an oddly absent-looking half-smile on his face.

“What?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”

He met her eye, then let out a little laugh and shook his head. “Oh, nothing. Just an idle thought, really.”

She narrowed her eyes, but Dorian spoke before she could press Felassan further. “This still doesn't explain why one of Ghilan’nain’s creatures might be roaming around beneath Minrathous now.”

Felassan sobered once more. “Ghilan’nain had multiple hidden… laboratories, for lack of a better word, where she was creating her so-called soldiers. I don’t know where they were located as her activities weren’t my particular area of focus, but if one of Ghilan’nain’s laboratories was recently… activated, or disturbed, then it’s possible that this Cekorax broke free.”

Dorian sighed. “The murders started shortly after some surviving Venatori opened an underground cavern of some kind.” 

Felassan grimaced. “That could explain it. You should probably look into where that cavern was, in case you start getting more lovely visitors from the deepest pits of Ghilan’nain’s twisted imagination.”

Dorian tsked. “Fasta vass. Of course. We’ll look into that.”

“Felassan,” Tamaris said. 

“Yes, avise?” he said pleasantly.

She frowned slightly. “You mentioned that you thought the Cekorax was possessed by a powerful spirit.”

“I did, yes.”

“Do you know the spirit that might have been possessing it?”

A slow smile lifted the corners of his lips. “Why do you say that?”

“Why are you dodging?” she said quietly. 

His smile faded. “Force of habit,” he said ruefully. “I apologize. I did wonder if the spirit might be one that I was acquainted with in the past.” He smirked and rubbed his chin. “Possessing a many-headed and many-eyed monster that can shape itself at will would be in keeping with this particular spirit.”

“What spirit?” Tamaris asked.

“It called itself the Formless One,” he said. “As you can probably guess, it didn’t have any particular shape that it preferred, nor a name to go by.”

“A name?” Dorian said in surprise. “Spirits have names?”

“If they want one, certainly,” Felassan said. “Though many of them are boring and keep the name of the virtues they embody.” His tone was bland once more, and Tamaris shot him a chiding smirk; he was clearly taking a jab at Solas.

Dorian’s voice was keen with curiosity through the sending crystal. “What are some of the spirit names you’ve known?” 

Felassan casually laced his fingers behind his head. “There was an amusing group of spirits who were banished from Elvhenan long before I was born. Or were supposed to have been, at least,” he added with a smirk. “The Formless One was one of them, though it obviously didn’t have a name. Gaxkang was one, and Imshael was another—” 

Tamaris straightened in surprise, and Varric interrupted. “Imshael?” he said.

Felassan’s eyes widened, and he smiled. “Don’t tell me you met him.”

Varric and Tamaris stared incredulously at him, and Dorian answered. “We didn’t just meet him. We killed him.”

Felassan’s face slackened with surprise. Then he laughed. “You’re kidding. Well, now you have to tell me how that happened.”

They told Felassan how they’d met Ser Michel de Chevin during their travels to Emprise du Lion, and how Michel had asked for their help defeating Imshael at Suledin Keep. When they described how Imshael had been directing and guiding the growth of red lyrium in the Red Templars and peasants in the quarry, Felassan laughed and tugged his ear.

“Well, I suppose I did tell him to have fun,” he said dryly. “Not the sort of fun I would have chosen, but…”

Tamaris recoiled slightly at his flippant reaction. “Were you friends with Imshael?” she asked.

“More like long-time acquaintances who made deals sometimes,” he said. “He was supposed to have been banished from our lands along with the others I mentioned, but he, er, stuck around.”

His tone was curled with mischief. She eyed him shrewdly. “Did Solas know you made deals with a spirit who was supposed to be banished?”

“He knew, but... unofficially,” Felassan said.

“Why unofficially?”

“Because Mythal didn’t know,” Felassan said slyly. “She was one of the Evanuris who banished him, you see.”

He was grinning now. Tamaris frowned more deeply. “How is this funny?”

“It’s not, actually,” he said. “Not at all. Can I ask if Fen’Harel was present when you met Imshael?”

Varric nodded. “Yeah, Chuckles was there.”

“And he didn’t say anything?” Felassan said. “Any… recognition or anything?”

“Not a fucking word,” Tamaris said bitterly.

Felassan let out a snort of laughter. “I bet he was fuming on the inside. If I wasn’t already out of the picture, he probably would have skinned me.” He snorted again and rubbed his mouth, then suddenly burst into laughter.

Tamaris’s heart clenched; the quality of his laughter was wild and uncontrolled. She took his hand and squeezed it. “Hey,” she said quietly. “Just breathe.”

Another blast of laughter left his lungs. Tamaris stroked his arm with her metal fingers. “Look at me, brat,” she said softly. 

He wheezed as he met her eye, and Tamaris nodded encouragingly. A few breaths later, he was calm again.

She squeezed his hand before releasing it. “Why did you say Solas would skin you?” she asked.

“Because it’s my fault Imshael was free to run a red lyrium farm in Emprise du Lion,” Felassan said. “And whatever shortcomings the Dread Wolf has, he does not like red lyrium.”

“No one in their right mind does,” Varric said flatly.

Tamaris frowned. “What do you mean, it was your fault Imshael was free?”

He looked at her, and her belly jolted; for a split second, an odd flash of wistfulness had crossed his face before his usual pleasant half-smile returned. “Imshael had been summoned and bound by a Dalish clan,” he said. “My… lack of involvement, shall we say, led to him being set free.”

Her gut twisted with apprehension. A Dalish clan?

Dorian’s words echoed her thoughts. “You were with a Dalish clan?” he asked.

“For a very brief time, when I was travelling with Briala and the others,” Felassan said. His tone was light and pleasant, but he was still gazing steadily at Tamaris, and there was something about the neutrality of his expression that she didn’t like. 

Then Dorian spoke in a peevish tone. “I beg your pardon, but what in Andraste’s sacred underthings are you talking about? I’m feeling terribly left out.”

Felassan finally looked away from her to face the crystal. “I travelled for a time with Celene, Briala, and the illustrious Michel prior to the Orlesian civil war breaking out in earnest,” he said. “At one point during our travels, we were hosted by a Dalish clan.”

“Hosted?” Dorian said. “The Dalish hosted Celene and Michel?”

Varric spoke up. “I didn’t think Dalish hospitality extended to humans. No offense, Cuddles.”

She didn’t reply; she was too focused on Felassan, who was now wearing a little smile that somehow made his face look empty.

Felassan shrugged. “Well, they tied Michel up and beat him, and they kept Celene under guard. Does that count as hospitality?” 

Tamaris’s gut twisted. Something awful had just occurred to her. “Felassan, what happened to the Dalish clan after Imshael was freed?” she said quietly. 

His eyes returned to her face. “Imshael killed them all.”

A jolt of shock stabbed her in the gut. She stared at him for a second before finding her tongue. “Imshael killed them?” she said weakly. “The… the whole clan?”

“All but one, yes,” Felassan said. He was still wearing that empty little smile, and he sounded so casual, and it… it didn’t add up. 

“Wait,” she said. “He…” She trailed off; her heart was thrumming now, and it was making it hard for her to breathe. She forced herself to inhale. “Imshael went after the clan because you let him go free?”

“Yes,” Felassan said.

She dragged in another breath. “Did you know that Imshael would attack the clan?” she demanded.

“Yes,” he said. 

He wasn’t smiling anymore. He looked so serious now — no, not just serious. He looked…

Her heart twisted. He looked wolfish, somehow. Dangerous. This wasn’t the Felassan she knew. 

She swallowed hard and lifted her chin. “So you… you purposely let a demon go free, knowing it would kill an entire Dalish clan.”

“Yes, Tamaris,” he said. “I did.”

She stared at him in shock. His face was so forbidding and his voice was uncharacteristically hard, and … and he’d purposely given a demon free reign to kill a Dalish clan. 

She hadn’t known. She hadn’t known about this. He hadn’t told her about this, for obvious reasons — he’d gotten a Dalish clan killed, for fuck’s sake, so of course he hadn’t told her. But if he hadn’t told her this, what else was he hiding from her? What other ugly secrets was he keeping? 

Nauseous with horror, she gazed into his violet eyes — his beautiful violet eyes that were usually full of warmth and humour, and that she’d been growing to trust more and more with every passing day. 

Beautiful violet eyes that were probably hiding all kinds of deeds that Tamaris knew nothing about. 

She rose from her chair, and his hard expression cracked. “Tamaris,” he said.

She shook her head and took a step back from the table. Felassan stood up and reached for her hand. “Tamaris, don’t—”

She whipped her hand away. “Don’t touch me,” she snarled. She turned on her heel and ran up the stairs.

She went straight to her room and shoved open the window, then climbed up to the roof and started pacing. Her heart was pounding in her chest and behind her eyes, and her fingers shook as she dragged them through her hair.

Felassan had gotten a Dalish clan killed. He had purposely let a demon run rampant and kill an entire clan, and he hadn’t told her. They’d been living here for weeks and he hadn’t… she had no idea.

She was so stupid. She was so fucking stupid to have thought she could trust him. He was thousands of years old and she’d only known him for three weeks, and — she knew basically nothing about him. How could she have thought she could trust him at all? 

It’s Solas all over again, she thought. Once again, she’d been lulled into a false sense of safety with a compelling older man, and once again, he’d betrayed her trust. 

Her ribs felt like they were swelling with misery. She sat down abruptly and leaned back against the chimney, and for some uncounted time she just sat there ruminating on her own idiocy. 

Eventually, she heard the distinctive soft shuffle of bare feet joining her on the roof. She clenched her jaw and looked away, but Felassan sat beside her anyway.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he said.

His voice was back to its usual warmth, but this only made her feel worse. She shot him a venomous look. “Don’t act like you know everything about me. You’ve only known me for a couple of weeks.”

He elegantly lifted an eyebrow. “Can I speak without you biting my head off?”

“Why should I let you?” she snapped. “So you can talk circles around me?”

His eyes narrowed. “I have never done that to you and you know it.”

A pang of remorse penetrated her anger, and it was enough to make her relent. She shrugged and looked away from him. “Fine. Talk.”

“As I said, I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “You’re thinking that I’ve withheld this terrible tale from you, and that if I was hiding this, there must be an entire thaig’s worth of villainous secrets that I’m keeping from you. I am extremely old, after all. There must be hundreds of skeletons in my proverbial closet that you don’t know about, so how can you possibly trust me?”

His tone was annoyingly playful, but what really rankled her that he was right. “Look at you, using your spy skills to figure me out,” she said snidely. 

“I am only using the information that you told me yourself,” he said. “I know you’re on alert for reasons to cast me aside. I am not going to give you any.”

A sudden throb of pain in her chest took her by surprise. She swallowed hard and lifted her burning eyes to the sky as Felassan continued to speak. “I was not purposely hiding this from you. If the topic had come up before, I would have told you.” He lowered his voice. “And I think you know that.”

Fuck, her lips were trembling. She looked away from him and didn’t speak, and Felassan was silent as well. 

When Tamaris was able to control her face once more, she shot him a hard look. “Tell me why you let that clan get killed.”

His shoulders loosened slightly. “The practical reason is that Imshael had something I needed: a keystone to unlock the eluvians. Setting him free gave us access to the keystone, which ultimately ended up in Briala’s possession.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” she said coldly.

“I do know what you mean,” he said calmly. “The real truth is this: I could have gotten that keystone in other ways. I knew Imshael, and I knew how his mind worked. But I wanted that clan to suffer.”

“Why?” she demanded. “What the fuck did they ever do to you?”

“Nothing,” he said. “They did nothing to me, and there was nothing they could have done to harm me.” He paused and clenched his jaw, and her gut twisted; his expression was hardening again in a way that she didn’t like. 

“It was the way they treated Briala,” he said. “Briala had been supplying information to that clan for years through me. She’d pinned her hopes and dreams on them, and do you know what they said to her when they finally met her?”

“What?” Tamaris said faintly.

“They called her a flat-ear and said that she was not their people,” Felassan said.

For a moment, Tamaris stopped breathing. That was what Abelas had said to her at the Temple of Mythal, and she still remembered the way his disdain seemed to stab her straight in the heart.

Felassan went on. “Their Keeper, Thelhen…” He curled his lip in disgust. “It wasn’t that he was blind to the plight of the alienages. He knew what they suffered, and he didn’t care. He was no better than the human nobles that beat and killed city elves for looking at them the wrong way. He knew the problems that city elves faced, and he chose to do nothing, claiming that they were not his people.”

His voice was growing angrier by the second, and Tamaris held up a hand in surrender. “Okay,” she said quietly. “Okay, I… I hear what you’re saying.”

He took a deep breath and nodded, then leaned his head back against the chimney, and for a moment they were both silent. 

For once, Tamaris broke the silence. “Was that the only clan you ever had dealings with?” 

“No,” he said. “But I had dealings with Clan Virnehn for as many years as I have known Briala. No matter how many times I told them that a city elf was the one to thank for their knowledge of Orlais and how to avoid the shemlen troubles that plagued the country, they still refused to accept her as their own.”

“I hear you,” she said gently. “Honestly, I do. And that’s… it’s fucking awful, and I’m sorry Briala had such a shitty experience with the first Dalish clan she finally had a chance to meet. But do you really think that’s enough reason to let the entire clan get killed?”

He exhaled heavily. “Tamaris…”

She pushed on ruthlessly. “What about the kids in that clan? There had to be kids. Did they deserve to die because their Keeper was a piece of shit?”

“You don’t understand,” he burst out.

“What don’t I understand?” she asked. 

“The…” He dragged his hand over his hair and glared at her. “The frustration of living through the same short-sighted stupidity from thousands of years ago. The fact that our people are still so divisive and blind. You can’t understand how frustrating it is to wake up thousands of years later to realize that the worst attitudes of my time were one of the things that survived.”

“You can’t judge all of the Dalish based on that one clan’s attitudes,” she said firmly. “That’s you and Solas’s biggest problem. You’re judging all of us based on just a few.”

He let out a rather tired-sounding laugh. “This kind of sparkling optimism is a strange look on you.” 

She couldn’t tell if he was complimenting her or insulting her, but it didn’t matter right now. She shifted a little closer to him. “My clan isn’t like that, Felassan.”

“You’ve said that before,” he said. “You told me you take in city elves who run away from the alienages.”

“Yes, we do,” she said.

“And the elves who can’t run away?” he said. “Those who are stuck in the alienages with no means of escape? You told me you knew of the massacre of Halamshiral’s alienage. What did you do about it?”

His tone was calm but piercing somehow, like he was trying to dig beneath her skin with his pointed words, and Tamaris forced herself to reply just as calmly. “Me personally?” she said. “Nothing. By the time I heard about it, it had happened six months before and I was travelling to the Temple of Sacred Ashes to spy on the Conclave.”

“And once you became the Inquisitor?” he said. “Once you had power? What did you do then to help your brothers and sisters in the alienages?”

She narrowed her eyes. “I allowed the Empress of Orlais to be murdered in order to make a city elf the real power behind the throne,” she said quietly. “Or have you forgotten that already?”

His eyebrows rose. After a brief pause, he smiled and bowed his head to her. “Fair enough, avise.”

She relaxed slightly. “I can’t speak to that clan you ran into,” she said. “And… fine, all right, I’ve known some people from other clans who… who feel like we don’t owe anything to the city elves.” She scowled at him. “But Clan Lavellan is not like that, okay? I’m not bullshitting you. We don’t look down on city elves that way. My clan purposely went into Wycome to protect the city elves, for fuck’s sake.”

He looked at her in surprise. “They did?”

“Yes,” she said. “This was a couple years ago. The Duke of Wycome was involved with some Venatori, and they were trying to frame the elves for red lyrium getting into the water supply. The humans tried to burn the alienage down, and my clan interfered to help the city elves fight back. After the Duke was killed, my clan stayed in Wycome to support the city elves, and my Keeper and a city elf got sworn in on the city council along with some human merchants to run Wycome. A third of the clan is still there.”

He nodded slowly. “And the rest?”

“They didn’t want to stay in the city,” she said. “Most of us prefer the woods. But a number of city elves wanted to leave the city with them, and guess what? My clan adopted them.”

He gazed at her appraisingly and didn’t speak, and she gave him a pointed look. “What, nothing to say? That’s new for you.”

“It is, yes,” he said. “It’s an interesting change. It’s not often I’m struck speechless.”

“You do talk a hell of a lot,” she said.

“Don’t pretend you don’t like it,” he retorted.

She scoffed, then realized she wasn’t feeling angry anymore. And then she felt weird about the fact that she wasn’t angry.

He tilted his head. “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t… really know,” she said slowly. She was feeling oddly at a loss, and she couldn’t say why.

He gave her a slow smile. “You’re not used to winning arguments about the virtues of the Dalish, are you?”

She lifted her chin. “So you admit that I’ve won.”

He chuckled and flicked her knee. “Yes, avise, you’ve won. You can gloat if you like.”

She didn’t laugh. Instead, she studied him thoughtfully. “You really care, don’t you? About the elves of this time. The city elves especially.”

“Why wouldn’t I care about them?” he said.

She didn’t reply right away, but instead continued to study him. The more she thought about it, the more she understood where his attitude about present-day elves came from. Felassan might wear vallaslin and know things about the elvhen gods, but his origins as Andruil’s slave gave him far more in common with city elves than the Dalish. 

A little pang squeezed her heart. That was why he cared about the city elves and their suffering. He’d essentially been one of them, back in the times of ancient Elvhenan.

He lifted one eyebrow quizzically, so Tamaris replied. “Solas didn’t care about the city elves,” she said. “Not like you do.”

Felassan sighed. “I suspect the issue is more that he couldn’t care. He couldn’t afford to. With all that guilt hanging over his head? He couldn’t afford to carry any more by caring about anyone else that he couldn’t save. It would crush him.” He suddenly grinned at her. “I imagine he must have been furious with himself when he realized he was in love with you.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You think that makes it okay that he… how he treated me?”

“No,” Felassan said. “Not by any means. A stronger man would have distanced himself from you.”

She huffed, then shrugged. “He tried to. Sort of.”

Felassan shot her a half-smile. “Meaning what exactly?”

“He warned me more than once that getting involved with him was a bad idea,” she admitted. “I guess I… I should have listened.” She scowled. “But he was saying one thing and acting a different way… fucking Solas.”

Felassan smiled to himself, and Tamaris shot him an exasperated look. “What’s so funny now?”

His smile widened. “If I tell you, you’ll say I’m full of shit.”

“Well, now you have to tell me,” she said.

He huffed a little laugh and shook his head, then looked her in the eye. “Fine. I say a stronger man would have distanced himself from you. But it would require the strength of Titans to resist your brassy charms.”

She stared at him. Then she started laughing. “You are completely full of shit.”

He placed one hand on his chest and bowed his head politely. “Acknowledged and accepted.”

She smiled at him, then chuckled and shook her head before taking a joint out of her breast pocket. She lit the joint and took a drag, then offered it to Felassan.

He accepted it with a nod and lifted it to his lips, and as she often did, Tamaris appreciatively watched his lips as he drew from the joint and released the smoke into the air. 

He took another drag and blew a perfect series of smoke rings before offering back the joint, and she carefully took it from his fingers. “You know,” she said, “for someone that he tried to kill, you sure spend a lot of time trying to make me forgive him.”

“That’s not my intention,” Felassan said. “I told you before: I’m not defending him, only explaining him. Know your enemy, blah blah and so on.” He shrugged casually. “Besides, there is only so far that sheer anger can take you. An adversary as unexpected and subtle as Fen’Harel can be requires an approach that’s equally unexpected and subtle.”

She wrinkled her nose. “What approach is that?”

He gave her a fond look that made her heart flip. “This is one thing I won’t tell you,” he said. “Think about it, avise. You’ll figure it out on your own.”

She harrumphed, but with no real ire. “Fine. Keep your secrets.” She took a drag from the joint.

He gently took the joint from her fingers. “I will say this: of everyone who is working against him, you stand in a unique position. You are someone who knows Fen’Harel, loved him, and still wants to defy him. You may be the single most dangerous person to him in all of Thedas.”

She shot him a sharp look. “Is that really what you think?”

“Of course,” he said. “I always tell the truth. To you, at least,” he added with a smirk.

“Then you’re just as dangerous,” she said firmly. “You know him and loved him, and you’re defying him too. You’re just as dangerous as me.”

He raised his eyebrows, then brought the joint to his lips. “How about that? What a team we make. The woman who dances with fire and the slow arrow.”

Her heart did a little squeeze. He’d called himself a slow arrow, not a broken one. 

She smiled at him, and he smiled back at her. Then she reached up and plucked the joint from his lips. “I still think you’re a fucking asshole for letting a demon loose to kill that clan.”

“I know you do,” he said. “And I’m not asking your forgiveness. But I will ask you to recognize that I did not lie about this to you.”

She eyed him appraisingly for a moment, then nodded. “I know. And… I do appreciate that.”

They smoked together quietly for a moment, and the silence between them stretched like warm taffy. From the corner of her eye, she watched as the joint met his lips and moved away to let the smoke bleed from his perfectly sculpted mouth.

She had no reason to trust Felassan. There were thousands of years’ worth of heinous things he could have done and hadn’t told her about. But he had been honest with her about his reasons for doing this one heinous thing. He hadn’t tried to sugarcoat anything, and he hadn’t tried to prevaricate. He’d even followed her to the roof in order to tell her the truth, knowing full well that she wouldn’t like it. 

He offered her the joint once more, and she took it. But instead of bringing it to her lips, she leaned into his side and rested her head on his shoulder. 

He shifted slightly so her head was tucked more snugly against his neck. When he turned his head to speak to her, his words wafted over her forehead in a soft murmur. “You walked away from me.” 

She sighed and closed her eyes. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right,” he said. “It gave me an excuse to watch you walking away.”

She snorted a laugh. “You’re such a fucking rogue.”

He chuckled and took the joint from her fingers, and for a time they simply sat pressed together on the roof with her head tucked against his neck. The longer she sat there savouring the steady warmth of Felassan’s neck against her temple, the more she realized how strange it was to feel this relaxed and at ease after a fight. How strange it was to feel so… resolved.

“Any particular thoughts on your mind?” he said.

His voice was low and warm, and it was just as comforting as the warmth of his neck. She shrugged and nibbled the inside of her cheek as she considered her reply. She was having plenty of thoughts, thoughts about Felassan’s mischievous smirk and his righteous anger and how patient he was with her, even though she’d walked away. 

She was having thoughts, all right. But nothing that she was ready to say out loud just yet. 

“Not really,” she said. “I’m just… content.”

“Ah, contentment: my favourite,” he said. “It really is an underrated feeling, you know.”

“You said that before,” she said drolly. But in the privacy of her heart, she knew what she was really feeling.

Athdhea’lath, she thought: the precursor to love. A feeling which Felassan had openly admitted to having, and which he was so carefully fostering in the closely guarded garden of Tamaris’s heart.

A little jolt of nerves plucked at her gut, but she took it in stride. She drew from the joint once more, then exhaled and closed her eyes. She breathed in the scents of herbal smoke and Felassan’s skin, and she enjoyed the feeling of being… content.

[ciestessde]

NOT My Hero Academia: Part 1 – Ch.6

Mirio-senpai was right: there were plenty of awesome things for me to do at U.A.!

Not long after the Rescue Training, U.A.'s annual Sports Festival was announced.

Everyone was pumped, but Uraraka seemed especially excited to show her skills. Which reminded me of a question I'd forgotten to ask her.

"Money…?! You wanna be a hero for the money?!" "Ultimately, yeah." Uraraka rubbed the back of her head nervously. "Sorry. I know it seems base… and really embarrassing, considering your guys's noble motivations and all."

She explained that her family ran a construction company, but that business had been bad recently. They were "poorer than poor." Uraraka wanted to help her parents by using her quirk to move and lift objects, but they told her they wanted her to make "her own dreams come true." And that, when she did, she could take them on vacation. "So I'm gonna be a hero. I'll make that money…" Uraraka had a determined look in her eyes, "... so that my mom and dad can have easier lives."

I was impressed. 'So she doesn't just idolize heroes. She's thinking of the practical as well…'

Seeing how determined Uraraka and everyone else was… it reminded me of the drive I felt while first training with Master. In fact, I felt more determined than ever to prove myself!

'I can't measure up to most of the others here in strength. But… What I lack in strength, I can make up for in skill! 'I'm not gonna fall behind. I'm going to aim for the top. With everything I've got!'

.

During the two weeks leading up to the Sports Festival, I trained -- and studied. I couldn't find out what events I'd have to deal with, but that didn't mean I couldn't prepare for the worst possible outcomes. And there was one thing I knew for sure I'd have to deal with: my fellow students.

Thankfully, Master's final gift was ready in time…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We were in the warehouse again, although there was no practice today. Instead, I studied the trick gun, unloaded and reloaded it, and, satisfied that it was just like the one I'd practiced with, holstered it. "With this tool at your disposal, you should have no trouble at least reaching the final event of the Sports Festival," Master said. "Actually… I've decided not to use it."

I looked up at Master. He was sitting in a chair across from where I was standing, his face as unreadable as usual. "At least… not until I reach the final event. I want to keep the element of surprise. That way, I might…" my throat tightened, "… might actually have a chance of winning." "…" Distressed by his silence, I tried to explain myself, "If I end up having to fight someone with a strong quirk, like Todoroki or Iida, the gun will be useless if they know what's coming," my hand tapped the holstered gun, "Although… I'll still use the grapple, since I've already been using that."

"… Hmm." "...Master?" "I'm impressed. So you really believe you can win?" "Ah! Well. I mean," I jolted, blanching and gesturing wildly with my hands, "I… I think I might, if-" "-Good." "-Huh?"

Master stood from the chair he was sitting in, seeming to look up and out of the skylights. "When you first came here, you would've been satisfied just making it past the entrance exam and trying again another year. 'I am quirkless, after all' you would've said. Now…" He looked back at me, "you've really grasped the truth. … I'm proud of you."

That was the last thing I expected him to say at that moment. It… it made me happy. My blanch quickly became a blush. Then I remembered, "Oh! Um… I hope it's not too much to ask, but…" Master had turned to sit back in the chair again, but he stopped and looked back at me. I continued, "Any edge I can get will be helpful, right? So…

"May I have the plant tonight?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Master had allowed me to use the plant the night before the Festival. Even so, the size of the audience in the stadium was still unnerving.

I was a bit surprised Kacchan was the First Years' student representative, but Sero made a good point -- in that he had placed first in the entrance exam. "The hero course entrance exam, you mean," pointed out a girl from General Studies standing nearby us.

I wished I had more time to think about that, because my first thought was just 'Well, it is a hero school, right…?' But Kacchan was already on stage, ready to deliver the Athlete's Oath. He was stoic. Much more serious than I was used to seeing him. And with that neutral face, he said into the microphone, "The athlete's oath… Make no mistake about it. I'm gonna take first place!!"

The other students were understandably upset by that statement, but my brain was spinning. 'Confidence…? No…' Kacchan's expression didn't change as he walked back to his spot among the crowd. 'The old Kacchan… He definitely would've been smiling as he said that… He's pushing himself. Telling himself he can't lose.' I didn't dodge Kacchan's shoulder when he passed; I let him bump into me. Somehow, dodging it right then… would've felt like surrender. 'I need to be careful about him. His guard is up. Winning was never gonna be easy, but…'

Midnight, "without delay," announced that our first event would be an obstacle race "between every member of all eleven classes! The course is a four-kilometer lap around the stadium itself!" It was what she said next that stuck out to me -- something I was counting on, in fact. "Our school preaches freedom in all things! … Heh heh heh…

"So as long as you don't go off the course, anything is fair game!

"Racers, to your positions…" The lights above the starting gate turned off one-by-one. Ding… I looked at the size of the starting gate -- and the crowd in front of it. Ding… I measured where I was inside that crowd -- my hand grasped an object on my waist. Ding! Midnight yelled, "START!"

By the time Todoroki had frozen the ground, I had already grappled passed him. Unfortunately, my lead didn't last long; Todoroki was still faster than me on foot, thanks to his ice, and Kacchan blasted past me not long after.

The next obstacle turned out to be the zero-pointer robots from the hero entrance exam. My grapple was sufficient to get over the hulking ice monoliths Todoroki had made of them as well. As the robots crumbled behind me, I noticed a metal plate fall to the ground nearby. I grabbed it and fastened it to my back. 'I'm low on tools, since they didn't approve of many of my gadgets. This might be useful.'

Some of my classmates were falling farther behind than I'd expected. They were hesitating, too indecisive over whether to attack the robots or ignore them. Worried. Too afraid of getting injured to make the split-second decisions we needed to.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was on the ground again. It seemed like, no matter what strategy I tried, no matter how hard I thought about it, I just couldn't find a way to beat Kurogiri-sensei! He was always one step ahead, a split second faster!!

As Kurogiri stood over me, he revealed today's lesson, "Planning is important. You must always have a strategy, no matter how simple. However… when in a REAL battle, the most deciding factor… is boldness." He reached a hand out. I took it, and he pulled me to my feet. "That is why you must train to the point that these things become second nature. So that you don't need to decide to use them!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

'Move! Keep moving!! By the skin of my teeth is fine. Just keep going!' A robot locked onto me. Grabbing the plate from my back, I swung it straight between the robot's upper and lower sections, breaking it in two and ending its pursuit. 'Works as a shield too… This thing's handy!'

Next was a section of tightropes above a canyon. I didn't pause in returning the plate to my back and grabbing my grapple-gun. It seemed to be my saving grace in this event. Definitely a good choice to bring with me. Once on the other side, I noticed a girl using a similar tactic as me -- but with some kind of special arrow-guns and hover boots… I smiled. 'Cool…'

Kacchan and Todoroki were still in the lead when I made it to the minefield. 'Nothing to grapple onto with just these fences on the sides…' I paused for the first time, looking around, analyzing my surroundings to find the best strategy.

'There are lots of mines nearby me. Anti-personnel mines should only be 14-15 cm down -- I could dig 'em up with the plate…' I had a crazy idea, and no time to second-guess it. I swallowed nervously while pulling out the metal plate again. 'Taking a page from your book, Kacchan!'

After making a pile of the thankfully-not-too-powerful bombs, I held the plate in front of me, braced myself, aimed -- and jumped down onto them, metal-plate-first.

To my -- and everyone else's -- surprise, it worked. I went shooting passed Todoroki and Kacchan! 'Now to stick the landing…' But the two leaders were already catching back up!

'Passing them again will be impossible!! This is my one chance!! I gotta stay in the lead!!' Trusting my instincts again, I tightened my grip on the wires holding me onto the plate, let myself flip over and separate from it, and, once close enough to the ground, aimed- -and SLAMMED the plate onto a cluster of bombs. I shot forward again just in time -- with just enough of a lead to make it through the finish line in first place!

Present Mic -- and the rest of the audience! -- went wild. "THE QUIRKLESS KID IS IN FIRST PLACE!?! WHAT A TURN OF EVENTS!" "He's one you shouldn't underestimate. The fact he even made it into U.A.'s hero course should tell you that kid is practically the definition of Plus Ultra." "IS THAT A HINT OF PRIDE I HEAR IN YOUR VOICE, AIZAWA? ISN'T HE ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS?!"

Quivering from exhaustion, Uraraka walked up to me, Iida not far behind her. "Deku…! That was awesome!" "To lose a race, of all things, with my quirk… And to someone without any quirk at all!" Iida lamented, "It's clear I still have progress to make…!"

Todoroki walked up to me with purpose in his step. I stood up straighter instinctively. He paused -- then bowed his head. "Well done."

And like that, he just walked away again.

Before I had time to process that, Uraraka got up in my face, "First place, though! Man, I'm jealous!" I blushed. 'So close…!' "Aw, nah… It was -- well, it wasn't luck, exactly, but I mean… if I'd gotten unlucky…"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All For One watched the camera feed interestedly. Everything was going remarkably well.

"If this keeps up, I might not need to use that after all…" He switched cameras to get a better view of Midoriya's face. The boy looked ecstatic. "He's practically caught in a dream. His perfect fantasy. Good…"

He switched again, this time to a view of All Might, watching from the audience. "The higher he gets in this competition…" One of his underlings sat down behind All Might. More -- so many more -- were visible in the crowd, spread through the entire stadium. "The harder he'll FALL."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Beginning]

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Read my original book, Crossroad of Infinity for free right here on Tumblr, on my website, or on AO3!

[bobasheebaby]

Can’t Let Go- Be Careful What You Wish For chapter 1

Pairing: Drake x MC; (past) Liam x MC

Word count: 1,950

Warnings: Evil Liam, dark fic

Summary: Liam sets out to get back the woman who stole his heart.

A/N: thank you so much for your input @sirbeepsalot! Some of the dialogue is from chapter three but I tried to add my own flair.

Series warnings: Evil Liam, dark!fic, deceit, manipulation, dub con, possible NSFW content, possible character death. This is taking the Liam from TRH to the extreme, he is not the Liam we know and love. By clicking read more you acknowledge you are at least 18 years of age.

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters, I’m simply borrowing from PB for a bit.

Liam tried to let her go, release his longing for her. He thought the pain of her choosing another would eventually fade, that seeing Rebecca sitting and laughing with Drake would slowly become easier, but if anything it only became harder. He struggled to understand how he possibly could have lost her, he’d told her what he felt in his heart every chance he got, she knew that Madeline wasn’t where his heart lay.

How could she fall in love with another? How could she so easily give up on me while we were fighting to clear her name so we could finally be together? Were all her whispered I love you's a lie?

Liam thought watching Rebecca marry his best friend would help him come to terms with them never having a chance, but it only made his longing for her that much greater. Standing next to Drake as they pledged their love for one another only made him wish even harder that it was him she was promising to love for eternity. He slowly felt his heart crack until something in him twisted so hard it finally snapped.

There were whispers, and so much pressure after the failed Sons of Earth plot to dethrone him. Liam was a King without a Queen, he knew that soon the people would be demanding he marry and produce an heir. He knew the longer it took the weaker their small country would seem.

He wanted to marry for love. But really he wanted to marry the one woman he could not have. He wanted, no he needed Rebecca. He needed her like he needed air to breathe. She had become to him as needed as oxygen to live. He knew there would never be another like her. She would be the only woman to ever claim his heart and soul. No one else would ever get him and fit into this life so easily. She handled the life as if she were born and bred for it, respected him for who he was not his title, he could never find anyone who would complete him like she did.

I need to get her back.

Watching Drake and Rebecca leave for their honeymoon felt like he’d been sucker punched in the gut. Knowing they’d be starting to try for their own heir for their duchy only made him lose his mind.

It should have been me with her. It should be my heir, not his. He doesn’t even want this life. She deserves a man who can rule confidently beside her.

He heard whispers that the King and Queen of Auvernal may pay him a visit to discuss his lack of an heir. He saw this as his chance to get what he craved, and he craved her. He couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t let his chance slip through his fingers once again. He wouldn’t allow a minor setback to stop him from having her, not when he knew she felt it too. Why else would she spend the night of her bachelorette party with him?

She’s lying to herself, it’s me who she wants, not him. I just have to remind her.

Liam scoured the archives for any evidence to back up the claims he would have to make to get what he wanted. He knew there was a chance that someone would question him and he needed to have proof just in case. Normally he’d delegate the task to someone else but he didn’t want anyone to know exactly what he was planning. He needed to go slowly, not show all of his cards at once. He didn’t want them to realize what it was that he truly wanted too soon, or they may find a way to refuse his request. He knew Drake felt as though he owed him, getting them to agree to allow him to name their child as his heir would be the easy part.

There is no way he’ll say no to me, he admitted he feels guilty for stealing my girl.

It was what he would request next that would be tricky. He knew if he played it right they would see it was the only option, he just had to be patient and take his time, ensure that all the steps had been followed precisely and then he would get what he wanted. He knew he’d have to pretend to be caring and understanding, attempt to hold back his feelings for her when all he wanted was to pull Rebecca into his arms.

This will work. I will have her by my side where she belongs.

If he could slowly lay out his plan, drive a wedge between them he knew he’d have her as is queen. His plan was so simple, so easy. He knew that once she saw how weak Drake was she’d see she’d chosen the wrong man. He knew he could win her back. There wasn’t anything that he wasn’t willing to do. He’d go as far as necessary to get the woman of his dreams back.

Weaken their relationship, play the caring supportive friend. By the time he realizes something is wrong it will be too late.  She will be my queen.

Liam carefully laid out his plans. Slowly, methodically, careful to ensure that he would have no false steps or surprises. He refused to leave anything to chance, he would regain her heart. He would never let her slip through his fingers again.

As he stepped off the jet, his friends in tow, he had to suppress a smile. He felt that everything was going perfectly, there wasn’t a stone left unturned, no possible way he could be found out. He kept his lips in a thin line, his hands shoved in his pockets, he needed to play this as though he was their friend, he couldn’t allow anyone to suspect anything was up, especially not Drake. He needed to seem as though he hesitated to ask this of them, he couldn’t let them believe he had any other motives for wanting to name their child as his heir. He struggled to keep his mind clear as they spoke, his eyes never straying from her. He internally smiled as Drake readily agreed.

I knew he couldn’t say no to me.

He was unsurprised by Rebecca’s hesitation, he expected as much. He knew her, what drove we forward, what made her heartbeat quicken, and what made it freeze in time.

I know her better than Drake does.

He easily circumvented anymore questions by introducing his surprise. He knew they wouldn’t be able to say no to an extra day in paradise, with their friends no less. It had the added benefit of taking her mind off of all the reasons she would want to tell him no. He wouldn’t let her answer, not yet. No he’d catch her once she was rested, even if his heart ached at the thought of her spending the night with Drake.

How could she ever fall for him? He’s all snark, he doesn’t put her and her needs first.

Liam waited until she was cornered. He’d have preferred that she was alone, but Drake was never too far behind.

Soon enough she will be where she belongs. Soon she will be with me.

The meaningless small talk spilled from his lips as he lulled her into complacency. His heart beating faster the closer he got to finally getting the answer he needed. He offered her a practiced rueful smile. “There is one official matter we need to discuss before we arrive… the question of a royal heir.” Liam swallowed thickly trying to remove the bile from his throat as Drake took her hands into his. “I’d hoped to give you and Drake more time to consider the idea, but the court and the Council have been pressing me for a decision. And to be honest, the public is already speculating whether their favorite noble couple will have a child…”

It’s us they should be waiting with bated breath to celebrate with. Soon enough it will be us again my love.

Rebecca’s eyes widened in shock, Liam had to bite back the smile forming at her disbelief. “So the whole kingdom wants to know if our baby will be the next ruler of Cordonia?”

Liam nodded. He felt jealous rage coil it’s way around his heart as he watched her glance to Drake for comfort and guidance.

I’m the one who she should go to for comfort.

“I’m ready for this if you are, Allen.” Drake replied, smiling encouragingly.

“Liam…” Rebecca paused, the words hanging on the tip of her tongue as she hesitated. His breath caught in his throat as he awaited her response. “This is a lot of responsibility… but I think we’re up for it.”

You are strong and shall be a perfect queen soon enough my love.

Liam couldn’t stop the smile from spreading to his lips. “I know you are. Thank you both. I can’t tell you how much this means to me… and how much it’ll mean to the kingdom.”

Just a few more steps and the rightful heir, my heir will soon be on its way.

“I’m guessing your Royal guests from Auvernal will have questions for us too.” Drake pulled Liam from his quiet victory.

Soon you will no longer have a say.

Liam pulled his lips into a thin line. “No doubt. I’ve asked the Royal Council to meet us at Valtoria, so you two can check on your duchy while we discuss the matter of King Bradshaw and Queen Isabella.”

One last piece of the puzzle to put into place today.

Liam waited until Drake headed towards the back of the plane. “Drake.” His voice warm and placating. “I was thinking, with your child being named the heir, perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to speak to a doctor.”

“What do you mean?” Drake asked his face contorted in confusion.

Liam gave him a false smile. “I just meant you and Rebecca agreeing to help me out is huge, and it might not be a bad idea to make sure you are both healthy enough. Since I have the council breathing down my neck they may not take kindly if it took too long. I’m grateful to you and Rebecca and it would just help me feel better if you went. I mean I’m going to be announcing this soon.”

“Right.” Drake swallowed thickly. “Announcing it.” He felt as if he’d been hit with a ton of bricks. “Yea, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to get checked.”

He won’t even see it coming.

Liam reaches into his breast pocket retrieving a slim white card, handing it over to Drake. “Dr Ramirez is the best.” He clapped Drake on the shoulder. “I think it’s best if you let this come from you, I wouldn’t want the added pressure to get to her too soon.”

Drake stared ahead like a deer caught in the headlights. “Pressure. Right.” He nodded, the weight of Cordonia falling on his shoulders, fear and panic coursing through his veins.

“Thank you again Drake.” Liam pulled him into his arms hugging him, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he pulled back. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you and Rebecca would be willing to let me name your child my heir.” He gave him one last pat before turning and returning to his seat, smile upon his lips.

Everything is in place. Now all that’s left is to sit back and wait until she’s back in my arms where she belongs.

Feedback fuels me, please like, comment reblog or send an ask. Feel free to scream, I promise I can take it.

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[atopearth]

Fate/stay night Réalta Nua Part 1 - Fate Route (1/2)

Prologue I’ve always wanted to read the VN so it’s time for me to actually do it! I feel like the anime left a lot of things to be desired so let’s see how it goes~ Didn’t expect Mitsuzuri and Rin to be good friends hmmm. I knew Shinji was supposedly popular but I didn’t know he was supposed to be THAT popular, guess I can further understand why he gets so insulted when Rin rejects him but yeah, still a thoroughly crappy guy. Ugh, his arrogance puts me off to no end. Wow, omg, Rin put him in his place so hard, it was hilarious. No wonder why he hates her lolll. Rin is so silly though, she knew her clock was one hour faster and yet she totally forgot loll, I wonder if she really would have been able to summon Saber instead if she did the ritual at the time when her magic was at its peak though? However, Archer is much more interesting and fun than Saber so yahh, not much of a loss there hahaha. Well, I guess since you have to summon them with something related to the Servant, she probably would have still got Archer haha. Hahahaha, I love how he said he’ll ignore her opinions and do everything his own way, so she can just hide in the basement until the Holy Grail War ends🤣🤣 Lmao when she used one of the Command Spells to force him to obey her orders from now on lolll. But I see…she failed summoning him properly so he doesn’t have his memories of who exactly he is… Lmao that he had to clean the living room because he has to listen to her orders or it’ll affect him (due to the spell). Their relationship is so cute though, he even made good tea for her! Although she’s too much of a tsundere to admit that she liked it, he could already tell, so that really adorable hahaha. I’ve alwayssss shipped Rin and Archer together since back in the day hahaha. So cuteee when she was embarrassed at him calling her Rin when she thought he’d just call her “you” or “Master” hahaha.

I love how confident and strong Rin is. She doesn’t feel the need to hide her magic circuits (since other Masters can detect it) because she wants other Masters to find her instead of her looking around for them hahaha, she’s so cool. Honestly, I’m really enjoying seeing things from Rin’s perspective rather than Shirou’s. Sakura…is talking to Gilgamesh? Honestly though, seeing Rin quite actively help and communicate with Sakura is very nice and refreshing, I always found it weird in the anime that they didn’t even seem like acquaintances imo. Also great to see more insight into Kuzuki’s personality with him cancelling and delaying midterm exams to a later date because of a misspelling in the papers loll. Rin even asks about whether she’s okay considering her home circumstances🥺 I see…I always kinda wondered why Rin never did anything to the boundary field at the school when she knew about it, but I see, she can’t destroy it thoroughly, but she was planning to hinder it by decimating some symbols, until Lancer appeared anyway. A lot of things are much clearer in the VN since it explains things and gives you time to digest it, but there really was much relief that Shirou happened to pass by and stopped Lancer from using his Noble Phantasm and kill them. Although, it doesn’t show that this person is actually Shirou, but you do see that Rin obviously really cares about this person, because she used the pendant (given to her by her father’s will, it was supposed to be a last resort for the war) containing an abundant amount of magical power to save his life. Initially, she was about to just accept his death as something “unlucky” since it’s just the normal process of killing all witnesses and it was unfortunate that she was careless this time (since she always made sure to have no witnesses so she wouldn’t have to kill anyone), but when she saw his face, she couldn’t help but use everything she could to save him. Interesting to see that she forgot about the pendant and left it with him, not that it’s very useful anymore since it doesn’t have much magic in it. Also interesting to know that since she lacked the skills to revive him from near death, the magic power from the pendant helped her in that regard, so I guess that means if you lack skills, you can make up for it with magic power?

Hmm I see, so the reason they always say that Saber is the strongest is because in all the previous wars, Saber has made it to final fight. I’ve always wondered why they always put such high acclaim on Saber when even though she is strong, I wouldn’t call her the “strongest”. Nice to also have it clear that most magic doesn’t work on Saber, Lancer and Archer because they were fighters who fought through the age of myths where magic was used widely, and that’s also why these classes are usually the best. I guess that’s why they’re always focused on Saber compared to the other Servants. Lmaoo, for someone who has no goal in this war besides winning, Rin is really confident and cool to be able to sway Archer in believing in her without even trying haha. Took me a while to figure it out, but I guess the pendant that Archer returned to Rin is actually his own? Does that mean he already knew who he was then and was just hiding it from her? I feel so sorry for Rin though! Imagine if she really got killed by Saber because she went back to save Shirou from Lancer and ended up letting her guard down against the sudden appearance of Saber! I didn’t even realise this part was a prologue, and it even ends on the cliffhanger of Saber intending to kill Rin! Well, anyway since I’ve forgotten a lot of things, it’s great to see things again whilst having some knowledge of other stuff that makes me realise what I missed when I first watched the anime haha. Guess we’re back to Shirou’s perspective then!

Fate route (Day 1-9) It’s so cute to see Sakura wake Shirou up in the morning! So crazy that she got there at 6am though omg, how early does she wake up to prepare breakfast for everyone?! At least Shirou usually tries to wake up early to help out, but wow, club activities start at 7am like dayum. Nice to see that Shirou actually notices Sakura as a girl and feels a bit awkward sometimes because he’s aware of how pretty she is and everything, she is a very good girl after all~ It’s so cute how Shirou admits to being one of Rin’s admirers since she’s so perfect, beautiful and well mannered! Ugh Shinji is SO ANNOYING, always being so insecure for being crappy compared to Shirou and he has to make it seem like he’s SO GREAT, ugh he grinds my gears. I don’t even know why Shirou can even consider him to be a “friend”. Lmao, Shirou is so used to Shinji being full of shit that he just calls it Shinji’s style hahahaha, I guess that’s how it is when you’ve known them for a long time. Lmaoooo at Fuji-nee roaring like a tiger hahahaha. I find it so funny how her whole class calls her by the nickname she hates - Tiger, it’s the only way to bring her back alive when she faints from falling down lmaooo. As usual, Illya is creepy saying that if he doesn’t summon it soon, he’s going to die, and it was at night when no one was around on the road!

I’m glad that there’s more explanations about magic circuits since I’ve been rather confused by them. So basically, the amount of magic circuits in a person is determined at birth, and usually it’s not very much. This is where inheriting magic circuits from generation to generation comes in, and that’s why people like Rin are so powerful in magic I guess, because she’s a descendant of a prominent family of magi. However, these magic circuits can only be inherited through blood relations and that’s why Kiritsugu couldn’t pass his to Shirou, although I’m not sure if he would have even if he could tbh. The good thing though, is that apparently every person has at least one type of magic they’re good at, and that’s why Shirou is good at understanding the structure of things. And now I’m glad to understand the difference between mana and od because mana is magical energy floating around the world, and most magi are able to draw mana and “filter” it through their magic circuits to use as a spell. Since Shirou doesn’t have many, I assume he uses od which is the magic within oneself most of the time and I guess that’s why when he gets Saber, it’s hard for him to give enough magical energy to her since it’s difficult for him to draw any mana with his limited magic circuits? Especially since even when he’s doing his training and fixing stuff, he has to utilise an artificial magic circuit and that’s already dangerous enough to his body if he lacks the concentration… I see, as he said, he is not a magus, he is only a magic user who can create magical energy within his body and channel it into objects hmmm, I like that it’s much clearer in the VN what exactly he can do. Strengthening objects is a cool ability though since it reinforces the object’s abilities by putting magical energy into it~ It’s kinda crazy how the Magic Association only cares about concealing magic from the public and not about whether people are using magic properly, it’s like as long as it doesn’t affect them doing their stuff, they don’t care. I guess it’s because they’re probably doing suspicious magic research themselves imo.

Not sure I like the translation of “seigi no mikata” being superhero, since technically you could be a superhero but not really an ally/protector of justice. Although, I do enjoy more info about Shirou’s motivations here. I guess the fact that Shirou tries to be one is mainly because he wants to become someone like Kiritsugu (since he saved him), so really now that I think about it, Shirou isn’t exactly what you would call a “nice person”, like he’s still nice in various areas etc, but a lot of the reason why he doesn’t mind helping people is because he thinks that as long as he keeps helping people who need him and he has the ability to help them, he will one day become the protector of justice he wants to be. On the other hand, I never realised/remembered that Shinji and Shirou actually had a fight where Shirou beat him up when he asked Shinji about Sakura’s bruises and Shinji had the audacity to say he hits her because he feels like it. What a douchebag. I do feel bad for Shirou that because of that, now Shinji thinks of him more as an enemy now and apparently hurts Sakura more, I feel so sorry for Sakura… It always felt like (in the anime) Shirou left the archery club because of Shinji but it seems like, it was a part of the reason, but not really, since Shirou does want to focus on working for living expenses and because he got a scar from work on his right shoulder and I guess it’s not very proper to have something like that when doing archery since people can see it when they shoot. Or maybe these are all just excuses haha, since Shirou seems to be the best “archer”. It seems that Lancer noticing Shirou’s presence was partly done deliberately so that he could distract him from killing Archer? I mean, Shirou’s sick of not being able to do anything when other people are in danger so that’s understandable..

It’s pretty cute how tsundere Rin is, she obviously wants to tell him about the Holy Grail War and everything because she doesn’t want him to die a meaningless death, but at the same time she can’t bring herself to say it like that, so she tells him she’s doing it because he stopped Saber from killing her. When really, he’s the one who owes her considering how she used that jewel that was left for her in her father’s will to save his life. I don’t know why, but in the anime, Shirou came across as annoying with how he keeps saying girls like Saber shouldn’t fight and how he’ll protect her etc, but in the VN, I think the interaction with Rin thinking it was funny that Shirou was going to protect them from perverts at night (when they went to visit Kotomine at the church) made it sound so silly and cute instead. Well, that bad end where you choose to revoke the command spells and thus your rights as a Master was pretty crappy! Illya literally “kills” Shirou and plans to torture him until he’s really dead! That’s pretty disgustingly ruthless honestly… Lmao at the existence of the Tiger Dojo though! It’s a place where they tell you how you went wrong with your choices to get this bad end and tells you the mindset you should have to get back on track to the proper ending lol. Kinda weird to see Illya act so cute in it when she just killed Shirou though lol. Although, I have to admit that Kirei being able to “take out” Shirou’s command spells was very interesting… Tiger Dojo 2 ending was nice in the sense that you could really see how Rin would sacrifice her life to protect Shirou even when he makes silly choices, it’s really heartwarming to see how much she cares about him tbh. And I guess also “nice” to see how much Illya loves and hates both Kiritsugu and Shirou.

One thing that’s interesting to see in the VN for this fight was Shirou’s intention to save Saber by pushing her away from Berserker’s attack, and hoping to think of his next move after that, rather than him simply shielding Saber. In the end, because he wasn’t fast enough, he ended up taking the hit for Saber, but he had no intention of actually getting hit, he thought he would be able to dodge it. Maybe it was naive of him to think that, but I do enjoy knowing more about his intentions and hopes from this move. I love how Rin teases Shirou when he gets embarrassed at shaking her hand because he realised how soft it was hahahah. Shirou is so cute hahaha! LMAO when he doesn’t count Taiga as someone he’s embarrassed to touch hands with because he considers her as someone from a different planet rather than a girl hahahaha. Ohh? I didn’t really think that how famous each Servant is in the current time actually affected how strong they are as well. I see, so they need to be known and like “worshipped” to solidify their existence and power, I guess that makes sense.

I love Shirou and Saber’s first proper conversation with each other at the dojo. It was really nice to see him have the resolve to fight now that he’s decided to keep with the war, and that he’s just like Saber when it comes to their beliefs and values of protecting the innocent. But I think the best thing about their relationship that I’ve always loved is that Shirou always treats Saber like another fellow “person” rather than a Servant. He’s polite, he’s normal with her and he acts the same as he does with others, and I think that always catches Saber off guard in a good way haha. I also love the professional relationship Archer and Rin have though! But yeah, lmao at Rin just bringing her luggage to Shirou’s place saying she’s living there from now on since they’ve decided to ally with each other. Ohh, I don’t know if I missed it (or I just forgot loll) in the anime but I never realised that Shirou wasn’t giving any magical energy to Saber at all! I thought he gave a little bit! But apparently the summoning might have gone wrong and the connection between them wasn’t connected so she can’t receive anything? No wonder why Saber always has to limit herself and her use, because she’s relying on her own medical energy to stay in this world! Actually, yeah, I think I remember it now lol, my bad! Anyway, gotta love Sakura when she was annoyed that Rin was trying to shoo her out of Shirou’s place when Sakura basically thinks of it as her territory loll. Even funnier when Shirou “forgot” about having to deal with Taiga in regards to Rin living here now lol. Not to mention Saber when she appears later! But Taiga is relatively easy to handle anyway haha. Awww I love how Taiga hates the Tiger nickname but her cup has a tiger on it lmao!

Honestly, although Shirou’s white knighting can get a bit too much, it’s situations like when he decides to introduce Saber to everyone instead of continuing to hide her that really makes me like him. Taiga is so cute though, she has such a soft spot for Shirou that she thinks Saber is taking him away from her since Saber is stronger than her and can protect him better hahaha. Taiga really loves Shirou. Hmmm I see, so the Matou don’t have magic circuits anymore and are really just a family that used to be magi, but still retain knowledge of magic etc. Shinji really just thinks of this whole thing like a game, huh? It was so cute how Rin and Saber glared at Shirou for meeting Shinji by himself haha. Although I can understand Saber’s frustration with Shirou when he always tries to prevent her from fighting etc, it was super reckless of her to go to Ryuudou Temple by herself. I always find Assassin/Sasaki Kojirou to be super cool, because he’s really amazing at having the capability to fend off against Saber with his skill and technique as a samurai. Oh, and seriously, Saber and Shirou should really be thankful to Rin, if it wasn’t for her, the two of them would just be super stubborn in their respective positions and beliefs and be unable to understand the other person. Rin is the best~ loved it when she teased Shirou after he carried Saber back home even though she already knew what happened. But yeah, seriously though, Shirou can get pretty frustrating about how he keeps treating Saber like a girl so she shouldn’t fight etc, like dude, be realistic please, she’s gonna have to fight eventually whether you like it or not, the war isn’t so easy that you can keep her safe.

I guess I’ll always love how proper Shirou is, stuff like properly greeting Saber in the morning even when he’s in a rush and apologising to Rin for forcing her to kick out Sakura when he should have done it for her safety a long time ago is just very nice to see. Sure, Shirou is wishy washy and can be very indecisive and not even know what he himself wants, but he’s such a good guy, it’s hard to really get too annoyed with him. Not sure how I feel about Shirou saying that Ayako getting attacked by a mugger and needing to run away might have been good in a sense to teach her some femininity, like I know he means it in a “good way” but seriously, that’s not important considering what happened! Shirou and Illya eating dorayaki together is such a nice image, especially since Illya never got the chance to experience simple stuff like that stuck in a castle. Lmaoo at Shirou accidentally seeing Saber changing to get into the shower and she’s so whatever about it lol. I always found Archer’s talk with Shirou about it being impossible to save all people much more realistic against Shirou’s ideals, but I think hearing it again when you know who Archer actually is makes it even more saddening and “real” because you know how much Archer personally experienced by believing in and trying to achieve this “ideal”.

Although skipping school is bad, I do enjoy the spars Saber and Shirou have in order to give him battle experience on making the best decision at critical moments. I think it’s the most realistic approach on what they can do to train him against Servants since he obviously doesn’t have the power to really win against them. LOLL at Illya casually saying Sella told her that it wouldn’t be fun to play with Shirou because Illya needs to kill him soon anyway. Like, yep, okay, see ya Illya lol. But I guess it’s kinda cute that even though Sella told her that, Illya herself still decided to wait at the park and see if he would come since she thinks it’s fun being with him, and I guess he feels the same since he bothered to pass by the park. But yeah, it’s pretty saddening how Illya was raised all this time knowing nothing about her parents’ love for her and having to live in the environment where her grandfather raised her as a Master to listen to him and kill anyone in their way to winning the war. Saber getting attached to the baby lion plush she got from Taiga is really cute, I guess since it reminds her of something familiar in her life (when she raised a lion cub for a month), she can’t help but feel soft towards it. On the other hand, lmaoo at Rin punching Shinji and not even caring hahaaha, I can understand why she would, but dang is she ruthless and just making things worse for Shirou by telling him that she’s living with Shirou etc loll. I’m still happy that she punched him though, he totally deserves it. I love how Shirou just listens to Rin and swallows the jewel without even questioning what it is. But it’s nice that it’ll help him keep his Magic Circuit on all the time so he can accustom himself to using magic without having to go through the whole process of risking his life to turn the circuit “on”, definitely more efficient if he can master this! It’s definitely contradictory but amusing how in the end, the best teacher for Shirou probably is Archer lol, since he understands his problems best compared to Rin who is too capable and so doesn’t really understand the problems of an ordinary person learning magic lol.

I’m not surprised Shirou met up with Shinji at school and ended up getting caught in his activation of the boundary field, but dang did I like how decisive Shirou was the whole time during battle. He understood he couldn’t fend off against Rider, and he wasn’t shocked too much by the kick from Rider and was able to use a command spell to get Saber to help him. I also liked how he really was ready to kill Shinji if he really had to in order to stop the boundary field (that could have melted all the people in it). Shinji is such a shit though, I was so mad when I heard him talk about kicking Taiga when she told him to call the ambulance when he activated the boundary field. So glad Shirou thrashed him even if he got away in the end. Btw I love the Tiger Dojo segments, they’re hilarious hahaha. Although it was reckless of Shirou to go by himself, it’s good that the experience ended up making him realise he needs to fight alongside Saber and not prevent her from fighting. I thought it was really cute how Saber and Shirou finally came to a better compromise and shook hands, but then Rin appeared and they got all embarrassed haha. But the cutest thing was when Saber was so concerned about wanting the same casual clothes (since they were destroyed) and asked Rin for another set just because Shirou said it looked good on her before.

Overall, most of the stuff for now is pretty similar to the anime so it’s more of a refresh for me with added details. As usual, Rin is really the highlight for me though haha.

[princess-in-a-tower]

Sansa’s “Beauty and the Beast” Arc, Part 1

GRRM has drawn inspiration for ASoIaF from various other works of fiction as well as historical events. The Lord of the Rings and the War of the Roses are two prominent examples. Not far behind those two big ones though is another story, which happens to be one of the author’s favorites: Beauty and the Beast.

Sidenote 1: For those of you who have not watched the following two versions of Beauty and the Beast, I suggest you at least read their summaries before continuing reading this meta.

 La Belle et la Bête (1946)

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

Beauty and the Beast is a fairytale that has heavily influenced Sansa’s arc. Many have commented on the Beauty and the Beast theme in Sansa’s arc before me, and yet no one to my knowledge actually took a step back to look at the bigger picture GRRM has painted. The picture which makes it clear that the outline of Sansa’s story, stripped to its bare bones, is following faithfully the one of Beauty in Cocteau’s Beauty and the Beast.

Sidenote 2: Even though GRRM holds Cocteau’s Beauty and the Beast in high esteem, I believe he is also critical of it to a degree and subverts the plot points he would like to “fix” (for whatever reason), while at the same time taking care to remain as faithful as possible to the original story. This of course is just my own observation while composing this meta, but GRRM’s own words support it, since he admitted:

Ruling is hard. This was maybe my answer to Tolkien, whom, as much as I admire him, I do quibble with. Lord of the Rings had a very medieval philosophy: that if the king was a good man, the land would prosper. We look at real history and it's not that simple.

George R.R. Martin: The Rolling Stone Interview, April 23, 2014

Sidenote 3: This meta series is in no way a shipping manifesto, but rather a critical in-depth analysis of the ASOIAF text in relation to Cocteau’s “Beauty and the Beast” adaptation. As a result it ended up being extremely critical of ships like Sansa x Sandor and Sansa x Tyrion , because they, in no way, parallel the dynamic between Beauty and the Beast, but rather juxtapose it, as will be demonstrated in the following parts of this meta series. If you like those ships and still decide to read on, please remember that you have been warned.

In the very beginning of her story in AGOT it would have been impossible to guess Sansa would become asoiaf’s most prominent “Beauty” figure, mainly due to the fact that GRRM went to great pains to present her like an “evil step-sister” to Arya’s “heroine”.

When we are introduced to Sansa in Arya’s first POV chapter, and even later in her own first POV chapter, on a surface level she comes off as bratty, spoilt, superficial and snobbish. In other words, she is presented to us in a way that makes her look similar to Beauty’s step-sisters:

Beauty lives in the country with her father, a 17th-century merchant who has lost all his money; her brother, Ludovic, whose only interests are drinking and gambling; and her two sisters, Felicie and Adelaide, who are motivated entirely by spite, selfishness and vanity.

La Belle et la Bête (Beauty and the Beast) script

Not only that, but it can be argued that Sansa was Ned’s least favorite daughter with Arya as his favorite (proof of that can be found in the following series of metas: Ned, Sansa and Joffrey Part I, Part II, Part III) and it’s not a secret that Sansa looked forward to leaving her father and his protection for that of her husband’s. All of that links Sansa to Felicie and Adelaide and Arya to Beauty, as you can see in the following quotes:

BEAUTY: That wasn't the first time [Avenant has] asked me to marry him since we lost all our money.

THE MERCHANT (to Beauty): So you want to leave me.

BEAUTY: No, father, I'll never leave you.

[…]

THE MERCHANT: They're real little devils, aren’t they? Let them sulk; I'll soon console them. Tomorrow morning I'll go to the port to see to my business. Then one can marry a duke and the other a prince!

La Belle et la Bête (Beauty and the Beast) script

Another interesting scene is when Sansa wishes to join the queen in the royal wheelhouse, and Arya chooses to get her hands dirty instead:

"You better put on something pretty," Sansa told her. "Septa Mordane said so. We're traveling in the queen's wheelhouse with Princess Myrcella today."

"I'm not," Arya said, trying to brush a tangle out of Nymeria's matted grey fur. "Mycah and I are going to ride upstream and look for rubies at the ford."

A Game of Thrones - Sansa I

This echoes how Adelaide and Felicie wanted to attend the concert at the duchess’ court in the beginning of the film, while Beauty stays back and does chores around the house.

FELICIE(shouting): Beauty, you can wash the floor. We'll be late for the duchess.

La Belle et la Bête (Beauty and the Beast) script

The parallel here is anything but perfect, considering Sansa genuinely wanted Arya to join her in the royal wheelhouse and repeatedly tried to convince her to do so, unlike Beauty’s sisters, who wanted her to be their servant. That is because, as I said above, GRRM made both Sansa and Arya a mix of Beauty and her two “evil” sisters.

What actually makes the above parallel interesting and layered is exactly this mixing. Once you consider that it was Beauty and Sansa who chose to stay back and do what was right/expected of them (which are two vastly different things for each girl because Beauty is a commoner and Sansa is a noble maiden), while Arya and Beauty’s sisters decided to run off and do something more or less selfish for their own pleasure (which again are two anti-diametrical things for the same reason as above).

To wrap up this parallel between Sansa and Beauty’s sister, we see that she never got to ride with the queen:

“Sansa, the good councilors and I must speak together until the king returns with your father. I fear we shall have to postpone your day with Myrcella. Please give your sweet sister my apologies. Joffrey, perhaps you would be so kind as to entertain our guest today.”  

A Game of Thrones - Sansa I

Just like Felicie and Adelaide never got to attend the concert

FELICIE: We were told that the duchess was not receiving, though the court rang with laughter and music.

La Belle et la Bête (Beauty and the Beast) script

Another thing that makes the connection between Sansa and Beauty more pronounced is the introduction of an “Avenant” figure, who is of course Joffrey: the blonde, dashing suitor with a not so hidden affinity for violence and an all around terrible character, with whom Sansa got to spend a whole lot of alone time in her first chapter. Unlike Beauty though, Sansa (and her father) accepts his marriage proposal and delights in spending time with him.

As we can see, by the end of Sansa’s first chapter, GRRM has established both similarities and differences between Sansa and Beauty. In my opinion GRRM decided to keep the core of Beauty’s character intact in Sansa (dutiful, kind, gentle, protective and romantic) and make her work towards the rest. That was accomplished by giving her some “undesirable” traits shared by Beauty’s sisters, which she would shed in later books through her negative experiences that would in turn result in positive character development.

From here on things only get more complicated, because, as I mentioned in the beginning, GRRM liberally subverts the things he disagrees with in Cocteau’s story. Not only that, but he uses a plethora of characters as stand-ins for Sansa’s “Beast” to move the story forward, all of them his foils in different ways each.

They all have one thing in common though, which establishes them as the Beast’s foils: They don’t care about Sansa’s consent. And the fact that men like Sandor Clegane and Tyrion Lannister could have taken more from Sansa but didn’t in the end, doesn't undo the abuse or lack of agency that Sansa suffers in those situations they put her into.

The most powerful force in Beauty and the Beast isn't magic, or even love, but consent. Most retellings of Villeneuve's version are careful to keep it. The Beast is clear that Beauty must know what she's getting into. (In Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch's 1910 version, it's still more explicit: The Beast warns Beauty's father to "be honest with your daughter. Describe me to her just as I am. Let her be free to choose whether she will come or no...") Later, the Beast asks Beauty herself if she comes willingly. And that first dinner is marked by the Beast's deference to her wishes. Beauty's earliest surprise is how much power she wields. Even in his nightly request that Beauty marry him, he defers. Andrew Lang emphasized the power dynamics in 1889's Blue Fairy Book:

"Oh! What shall I say?" cried Beauty, for she was afraid to make the Beast angry by refusing.

"Say 'yes' or 'no' without fear," he replied.

"Oh! No, Beast," said Beauty hastily

"Since you will not, good-night, Beauty," he said.

And she answered, "Good-night, Beast," very glad to find that her refusal had not provoked him.

Lang was one of many who used marriage proposals for the nightly request (Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont's 1756 retelling was the first), but Villeneuve was under no illusions about the story's undertones. In her original, Beast asks Beauty to sleep with him. Beauty's power is the ability to withhold sexual consent.

Beauty doesn't admit love for the Beast until after he releases her (which permits her to rejoin him on her own terms). But this regard for her will is what first softens Beauty's heart. The story's not just reminding young women to look beyond appearance but reminding young men how to conduct themselves. Fairy-tale scholar Jack Zipes outlines the story's social mandate in Fairy Tales and the Art of Subversion: "The mark of beauty for a female is to be found in her submission, obedience, humility, industry, and patience; the mark of manliness is to be found in a man's self-control, politeness, reason, and perseverance."

Disney takes that out, and the story becomes significantly darker. Besides their rocky introduction, he punishes her for refusing to eat with him ("If she doesn't eat with me," he bellows, "then she doesn't eat at all!") and physically threatens her. His temper must be tamed before he can love or be loved—that, not his appearance, is the barrier. It's a decided departure from the courtly Beast, and Beauty's now required to forgive his outbursts before friendship can begin—an additional emotional burden. In this, Disney's more akin to 1978 Czech horror Panna a netvor (in which the Beast barely curbs his appetites and Beauty's drawn to him only through loneliness) than it is to the dreamlike tension of Jean Cocteau.

[...]

But Disney's retelling doesn't acknowledge its darkness. Covering threats with musical numbers doesn't count as exploration of subtext. This wasn't the first Beauty and the Beast adaptation to feature a Beast with rough edges, either; a story centered on power dynamics in relationships will shift to include contemporary concerns. But Disney's retelling asks Beauty to forgive abusive behavior, both ignoring the sovereignty of her consent and erasing the Beast's own obligations. And it's such an influential retelling, it's affected how the archetype has applied. By now, the label of a Beauty and the Beast story applies as much to a relationship in which the woman's love "tames" the man as it does to one about looking beyond appearances. (The CW's recent Beauty and the Beast updated the 1987 series(*) but replaced the scholarly, leonine hero with a handsome man with uncontrollable bursts of violent anger; these abusive undertones are the new beastliness. These days, Beauty is trapped in the Beast's S&M penthouse, and his understanding of consent is decidedly murky.)

How Disney's 'Beauty and the Beast' Became the Darkest Tale of All

(*) The 1987 series with the scholarly leonine hero mentioned above is the CBS TV adaptation, which was written amongst others by GRRM himself.

The above article was written in order to criticize the dark retelling of Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast”, but I believe that everything that has been said there about Disney’s version could also be said for Sansa’s “Beauty and the Beast” arc in ASOIAF up until ASOS. And everything that’s been written about the audience’s faulty perception of the archetype can be applied to the readers of ASOIAF as well.

Beauty’s consent is of paramount importance in the original Beauty and the Beast fairytale written by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villenueve, which is something both Cocteau’s film and the CBS TV adaptation stayed true to. And yet, the men who took on the Beast’s role in Sansa’s storyline showed minimal to no respect towards her wishes and an equal amount of concern for her lack of consent. On the contrary, they all used and abused her, each of them in their own way, behaving more like villains than romantic interests. And that is because those men serving as the Beast’s foils are meant to be viewed as villains and not romantic interests, which can be supported by the words of the author himself:

Amazon.com: Do you have a favorite character?

Martin: I've got to admit I kind of like Tyrion Lannister. He's the villain of course, but hey, there's nothing like a good villain.

George RR Martin, Amazon.com, 1999

Martin: I am sometimes surprised by the reactions of women in particular to some of the villains. [unintelligible] Over the years who have written me that their favorite characters are Jaime Lannister, or Sandor Clegane the Hound, or Theon Greyjoy, you know. All of these are deeply troubled individuals with some very dark sides who have done some very dark things.

George RR Martin, interview with Geek and Sundry, June 2012

Commenter 1: Oh please don't cast an old guy for the Hound, his scenes with Sansa are so romantic and erotic, I couldn't bear if it'd feel creepy all of a sudden. Well, that's me making demands. LOL

Martin: Old guy? No, but... the Hound is still a whole lot older than Sansa, and was never written as attractive... you know, those hideous burns and all that... he's a lot more dangerous than he is romantic.

[...]

Commenter 2: LOL, you're such a man. To many of us women, dangerous *is* attractive.

Martin: But no one has any love for poor old Sam Tarly, kind and smart and decent and devoted…

Comments on GRRM’s Not A Blog, August 2009

But why would GRRM decide to change his Beast from the kind and decent Beast archetype into the obviously much more problematic and villainous new one when he started writing AGOT in 1991, just one year after the CBS TV adaptation ended? Considering that 1991 was the year Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” came out and that one of GRRM’s favorite movies is Cocteau’s “Beauty and the Beast”, I believe it’s not that far-fetched to assume this change can be attributed to the author’s discontent with Disney’s adaptation.

In my opinion, the subversion of the “Beauty and the Beast” trope in Sansa’s arc is the author’s in-text critique of Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast”. By having the Beast figures in Sansa’s arc be dark, abusive and villainous, GRRM wished to showcase how the new “Beauty and the Beast” trope, where Beauty is required to forgive the Beast’s abusive behavior and “tame” him with her gentleness, should not be romanticized, because, in real life, Beauty not only won’t be able to tame the Beast, but she also shouldn’t be required to.

So in away, I believe he is deconstructing this very dark and problematic version of the trope in order to reinvent the original one. And for the deconstruction part he needs foils, but for the reconstruction he needs the actual Beast. And there are foils of the Beast aplenty in ASOIAF, but only one Beast.

The first foil of the Beast will be discussed in the second part of this meta series.

Special thanks to @kellyvela and @lostlittlesatellites for their help in the writing of this meta with their invaluable input and constant support.

EDIT: The rest of the series can be found in the following links part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2018, Part V

We’re finally here. Thank you for reading. Or at least scrolling around to the movies that you care about. GREAT MOVIES

12. Minding the Gap (Bing Liu)- In part because it's produced by Steve James, Minding the Gap's easy short-hand is "Hoop Dreams for skateboarding." Because most of the film's pleasures come from following the subjects over the course of five or six years, that makes sense. What differs is that director Bing Liu is so young, which makes this a promising film if a less definitive one than James's feature debut. It’s trying to do so much, but it never feels calculated or constructed as it expands. Boldly, Liu seems to suggest that people don't really change that much, that what drives them or gnaws at them just manifests itself in different ways. The cycle of abuse ends up being a common element for the three skaters, and, as Liu admits on camera, domestic violence is the reason he made the film. (The treatment of it is raw, a blunt object when a more delicate instrument might work better.) He got the hard part right though: delicately getting us to care about people who sometimes don't care about themselves. 11. A Quiet Place (John Kransinski)- Strong early Shyamalan vibes from this lean chiller. Krasinski's directing debut, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, didn't do much for me, and I skipped his obligatory man-comes-back-to-hometown-because-his-mom's-dying follow-up. But the filmmaking really impressed me here just by understanding how to set the table of this kind of movie. A close-up on an important nail sticking out of a floorboard here, an effortless explanation of a rule there. The hang-up for a film this high-concept is that you get distracted by all of the unanswered questions. (How did he get a printer quiet enough to print out all of those radio call signals?) But this world is fleshed out enough, especially an eerie dinner sequence, to bypass that kind of stuff for me. More than anything, there's a sort of elasticity of shot selection that serves the suspense. A tender early scene in which the central couple is dancing while wearing headphones goes on for maybe twice as long as one might expect. So later, the cross-cuts and smash-cuts have even more weight because the camera was allowed to linger earlier. Here's maybe the biggest reason for the movie's success: The characters are all slightly smarter than the audience, whereas the temptation might have been to go the other way with it. 10. Black Panther (Ryan Coogler)- I don't know if I can add anything to the discourse on this meditative yet ambitious film. I do think one early scene points at what makes it special for the genre. When T'Challa is first named king, he has to be drained of the Black Panther powers to fight anyone who wishes to challenge the throne. A member of an outsider tribe challenges him and nearly beats him. It shows a) the world-building of this noble, fair culture, b) the existence of this fully developed clan that will be important later, c) just how human T'Challa is if his reign can come so perilously close to ending just as it has begun. Every scene like that has a logical purpose. Of course, once Killmonger, the best, most realistically motivated Marvel villain of all time, gets introduced, we return to that method of challenging the throne, and writers Ryan Coogler and Joe Robert Cole aren't afraid to let the worst possible thing happen to T'Challa. What occurred forty-five minutes earlier makes this fight seem like a fait accompli. And it's in this sort of narrative detail that the film is able to work up to its thematic purpose. The first half is about, to quote T'Chaka, whether a good man can be a good king. But the second half is about the responsibility of goodness. Show me where Iron Man bit off that much. 9. Support the Girls (Andrew Bujalski)- Although it takes place mostly in one location during one day, Support the Girls has a bigger world going on in its margins. We hear it on radios, or we see it in the people taking a pitstop in Double Whammies while they're on their way somewhere better. But the force that's really encroaching on the characters' insulated environment is Mancave, the national chain that threatens to put them out of business. "They have commercials and everything," one character complains, and we get snatches of those commercials that were presumably directed by Andrew Bujalski himself. It's ten seconds of content maybe, shot in a bigger, broader style than the modest approach of the rest of the film. But the key to understanding how far Bujalski has come is realizing that he is no longer making fun of the people in the commercial, even if they're jacked bros screaming for a boxing match. That portrayal is amplified, sure, but Bujalski is mature enough now to not ridicule those people. It's okay that they're just not the people he's interested in. He's supernaturally empathetic toward the rogue's gallery of people he is interested in, who spin the ordinary challenges of the working class into something extraordinary. The sunniest member of the team is played by Haley Lu Richardson, who deserves special recognition as the indefatigable Maci. I can't think of parts that are much different from her roles in this, Columbus, and Split, to the extent that people probably don't realize they're played by the same woman, but she rules in every single one. The sky is the limit for her. When a workplace is described as "a family," it's usually just a way for the boss to take advantage of workers when the "family" designation does nothing to help them: "I know I shouldn't ask you to work off the clock, but can you help me out as a FAMILY MEMBER?" Occasionally though, it does feel like a family when people work closely to one another for hours on end and depend upon one another for real life needs. This movie is about what happens when a work family is both control and support.

8. Roma (Alfonso Cuaron)- The trailer for Children of Men advertises itself as "from the director of The Prisoner of Azkaban and Y Tu Mama Tambien," and I remember an audience giggling at that strange CV. For one thing, at the time people didn't understand yet why someone would brag about contributing to a Harry Potter movie. But to pair that children's picture with either a Spanish title they hadn't heard of or a movie that they knew was sexually explicit? Who was this guy? Roma is who he is. I like some of his other films more--I would argue that his approach hurts the performances here--but it seems impossible for him to make anything this personal again. The baldly emotional highs that it reaches come not only from the direct simplicity of the story but also from the sophisticated perspective with which it's being downloaded directly from Cuaron's memory. (It's also, accidentally or purposefully, quite a political film at this moment in time. It insists, sometimes in the dialect of Mixtec, that these people around us silently washing dishes or picking up dog poo are, in fact, part of our family.) There's a moment when one brother throws something at another's head, barely missing, and they both stop in their tracks with fear about how tragically things could have ended up. My dad experienced a similar moment in his childhood, and he would tell the same story about Uncle Steve throwing a shoe at him any time we passed the wooden door with a dent in it at my grandma's house. What a tiny moment to live on for decades, in tangible and intangible ways. Cuaron claims that all of these moments shape us, and taking us to the moon was only a warm-up for resurrecting them for us. 7. Happy As Lazzaro (Alice Rohrbacher)- Alice Rohrwacher won the screenplay award at Cannes, probably because her script for Happy As Lazzaro is fundamentally unpredictable. Games of checkers are unpredictable though. That word doesn't quite cover the way the viewer is forced to guess at something as elemental as "What year is this taking place?" And none of the twists and turns of the storytelling--I refuse to spoil--would gel if Rohrwacher as a director wasn't teaching you how to watch the film the whole time with a rich, warm, light touch. Considering the purity of this vision as a fable, buoyed by realistic labor concerns on the other hand, it's a pity that people are calling Birdbox "crazy" when something like this is just a few clicks down on that service. 6. The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos)- When assessing The Favourite, the easy temptation is to say that because it isn't stuffy, because of its scabrous wit or its intimate filming techniques, that it "isn't your mother's chamber drama." It is invigorating, but in a lot of ways, the film isn't saying anything that the average Masterpiece Theater production doesn't. Instead it takes cultural touchstones about the emptiness of power and distorts them, much like the fish-eye lenses that Yorgos Lanthimos favors to photograph the palace. It says an easy thing in a hard way, with conviction to burn. Lanthimos seems freed by not having to write the screenplay, and every decision of his is rooted in making things more narrow. The barrel distortion of the fish-eye seems apt for this idea, but so do the secret passageways that Queen Anne gets wheeled through to avoid the lower rungs of the estate. Of course there's no outside world to intrude upon her majesty. But there's even an inner world to the inner world. (It's impossible to watch Olivia Colman's gonzo depiction of Anne's incurious indolence and not think of Trump.) I'm convinced that Emma Stone can do anything, and the final shot, an all-timer, only validates that suspicion. 5. Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot (Gus Van Sant)- You have to check out every Gus Van Sant movie, even after a few missteps, because you never know: He might take the emotional climax that you didn't even know you wanted and score it to inter-diegetic "Still Rock 'N Roll to Me," thus grounding real poignance with even realer goofiness.I'll admit that the bar is low, but this is probably the most authentic, least treacly movie ever made about addiction recovery. Van Sant, who wrote, directed, and edited, tells the story with patient command. We take Joaquin Phoenix for granted at this point, but everybody on the poster is exceptional. And Udo Kier gets to say, "Pop, pop. It's always about penises." INSTANT CLASSICS

4. A Star Is Born (Bradley Cooper)- In one scene Cooper's Jackson Maine wears a black leather jacket under a brown leather vest, and the movie itself risks that kind of hat-on-a-hat silliness and redundancy. But instead it comes off as the best kind of big swing, a comforting and warm serving of Old Hollywood. Cooper's camera knows how to embrace silence and let the leads play off each other to craft raw, touching performances. Sometimes the close-ups are so intense and focused that, when he cuts back to a master, it's disorienting to be reminded that there are other people in that space, in the world at all.The movie's deficiencies come from "Wait, how much time has passed?" moments in the writing, problems that I always have had with Eric Roth projects. But it's easy to get swept up in a movie of moments that believes so much in itself.

3. Mission: Impossible- Fallout (Christopher McQuarrie)- The pattern of Mission: Impossible- Fallout is: infodump that explains the stakes and the strategy of what we're about to see, followed by an action sequence that is somehow even more thrilling than the one that came before it. Imagine a really interesting day of grade school classes, in which you learned, like, multiplication, followed by recess every other period. As for T.C., what more could you possibly want out of a human being?

2. Wildlife (Paul Dano)- When Jerry, Jake Gyllenhaal's groundskeeper of pathetic pride, figures out that his boss is about to fire him in front of his son, he smiles and, through clenched teeth, asks if this talk can happen tomorrow. Part of him actually believes that postponing the meeting will help; maybe the boss's temper will cool overnight. But this is a man who is bound by the same desperate spirit as his wife Jeanette, who muses, "Tomorrow something will happen that will make us feel different." When people are living day-to-day, clinging to their dignity--he refers to himself as a "small person" at one point--tomorrow really does offer a regenerative power. Those characters are the same-pole magnets that inform this coming-of-age tale, and the subtext of the film is "Can you believe Carey Mulligan and Jake Gyllenhaal have a fourteen-year-old son?" It works for the 1960 setting because these are people who defined themselves before they knew who they were, and they'll now do anything to re-define themselves as brave/sexy/valuable. But it works for the actors too. Gyllenhaal in particular is tender and heartbreaking in a true supporting role, allowing himself to look his age, framing himself with the dad akimbo arms. But Mulligan's fake confidence is great too, especially in a scene in which she nearly begs her husband to let her work. Something tells me that I should credit a director for coaxing two career best performances from two great actors. Some people just have it, and Paul Dano does.

1. First Reformed (Paul Schrader)- In 1998 I dragged my father to see Paul Schrader's Affliction, a movie that was kind of about my father's father. When the end credits rolled on that bleak, wrenching film, my dad turned to me and said, "I feel like I have to take a shower." We walked around a nearby hotel and talked for an hour, not that he was able to articulate why he was so shaken. We discussed the difference between entertainment and art and what makes a piece of either successful. Even though he hated the experience, he couldn't deny that it was an experience. He kept on saying, "That's not why I go to the movies." And no matter what I, fifteen at the time, told him, he couldn't understand that's exactly why I go to the movies. First Reformed had the same mesmerizing effect as the best of Schrader's work: When I exited the building, I stumbled into the sunlight because I had been trapped in someone else's mind for almost two hours.

Part of that effect comes from the narrative device of Reverend Toller's journal, which plants us in his headspace from the beginning. Part of it comes from the intimate scale of the film, which features only a handful of locations. But if what I'm explaining seems small, then I'm doing a bad job. The canvas expands. Schrader insists that our care for the environment is our most immediate responsibility; this film historian has no problem with planting the film at 2017 in dialogue. And that emphasis is matched only by his disdain for how big business encroaches on personal aspects of our lives. There's even a scene that tries to account for a recent rise in extremism among young people. As if to prove that he isn't being pedantic, he has one character communicate one of those ideas, letting you assume that role is his mouthpiece, then he has another character reply with something just as convincing. First Reformed weaves in those elements, but it's ultimately a character piece that humanizes the type of person we think we know but for which we have no frame of reference. In Ethan Hawke's piercing performance, we see a Reform minister who punishes himself actively and passively for what he thinks are sins. He uses faith as an armor and as an excuse, being so of the mind and--as another character puts it--"in the garden" that he denies himself medical care. No matter what anyone else tells him, he is convinced of one of the tenets that Schrader could never shake from his Calvinist upbringing: There's nothing you can do to save yourself.

[jollyreginaldrancher]

PLL Theories- Marion’s death

One of the biggest plot-holes in PLL is Marion’s death. When Cece recalls the night’s events in a flashback she portrays herself as a young boy. However Alison met Marion when she was alive as a teenager, which would have been impossible if she had died when Cece was a child because Cece was a good 5-6 years older than Alison. So we are left to ponder whether it’s Alison that’s lying about seeing her alive (which she has no real reason to lie about) or Cece. 

Figuring out who killed Marion depends on figuring out which one of them is lying. If Alison is lying, then it probably WAS Bethany Young that killed her, like Cece said. But Bethany, we know for a fact, was Alison’s age. We know she must have been Alison’s age because the entire first five seasons would fall apart if she hadn’t been, because there’s no way she could’ve passably been mistaken for Alison and hit over the head and buried alive if she hadn’t been the same age and roughly the same size. So Cece’s story begins to fall apart. If Bethany Young was indeed up on the roof, and the size that Cece claims, then Cece herself would definitely not be as young as she claims. So we’ve already caught out Cece on one lie.

The most likely time-frame for Marion’s death places it at around 1-2 years before Alison’s disappearance. Jenna moved into Rosewood just before Halloween the year before Alison disappeared so it had to have been before that, but it couldn’t have been too long before that, as Alison’s memory shows she was a teen before Toby’s mother died so at the earliest a couple of years before her disappearance, which happened when she was 15, which means Marion’s death occured when she was 13 at the youngest.

Alison and Cece have a 5-6 year age difference. If Marion died when Bethany and Alison were 13, then Cece would have had to have been around 18 when it happened. In order to undergo hormone replacement treatment, a candidate has to be 16 or 18. There’s a minimum age limit and treatment usually lasts between 1-5 years so in all likelihood Cece was undergoing HRT when the incident occured. Some of the side effects of HRT are mood changes, such as depression and neurological changes such as changed perception of emotion, perception of social interaction, and processing of feelings and experiences, according to wikipedia. I think you can guess where I am going with this.

We know that Cece was 18ish. We know that she was up on the roof. We know that Marion had come up at some point and that she fell to her death. The rest are the details we now have to fill in. First of all, Bethany. In perspective, it’s particularly egregious for Bethany to be up on the roof at all (she was not an adult like Marion and Cece, she was still a child technically) and we don’t really have any evidence that backs up Cece’s claims. I understand an 18 year old and a grown up being allowed free reign in the halls but a 13 year old would’ve probably been set a bed time and not allowed to wander off past a certain point. She would probably have been restricted to a certain floor for example. Also when Cece turned 18 she would’ve probably been moved to a different section of rooms at Radley, so there’s a chance she may not have even met her at all.

But even if she was up there, who seems more likely to have pushed Marion? Bethany has nothing to gain, and Cece gets to keep her transformation a secret, which seemed to have been her intention all along, considering the duplicitous way she re-introduced her self to the DiLaurentis family post-op. Bethany had nothing to gain from keeping Cece’s secret. However if Marion’s murder did occur while she was on the roof, her main motivation to keep it would be fear.

Cece admitted she was on the roof. Bethany was long dead by that time so there was no one to deny that she was involved. Bethany was the easiest way to scapegoat not only Marion’s death but also Alison’s. If she thought she was protecting Alison she comes across as sympathetic, right? Not psychopathic. Or at least that’s what she’s banking on, isn’t it? ‘I hit you cause I thought you were her and I was afraid of her hurting you!’ almost sounds noble. It sounds redeemable. It doesn’t sound like something a psychopath would say. It sounds like she truly cares about Alison. Well here’s where it all falls apart. IF she did, she would not have played the game. She certainly wouldn’t have tried to pick it up again after getting out of jail. The dollhouse wouldn’t have happened. She wouldn’t have kidnapped Mona and faked her death (Alison style) and she wouldn’t have attacked Mona and tried to kill her when she threatened her plan to continue being A.

The show may not have gone back and explicitly stated ‘in case you hadn’t figured it out, Cece was the one that killed Marion all along’ but it made it very obvious that it was Cece with its precedence. For example, remember in season 3 when Spencer was so sure that Paige was A/a murderer? She was so set and she had proof! One whole earring, that she found in Paige’s bag! And Emily was sooooo silly for not believing her. Only it turns out that Paige is not only innocent but straight up victim of Alison’s bullying (at Cece’s encouragement) and being framed by the A team which we know that Cece was in at that point. And who was the one the set Spencer down red herring road? Cece. Who was the de-facto co-leader of the A team at the time? Cece. Who was the shifty new character that needed to deflect suspicion from their own self in order to get closet to the girls and win them over? Cece. She has a history of throwing innocent people under the bus for the stuff that she is doing and we know she hadn’t changed by the fact that she tried to kill Mona in order to keep her secret and was dead set to keep playing the game by then so really, all evidence points towards Cece being Marion’s murderer, and covering it up the same way she covered up being A and stuff so really, yeah, it’s pretty obvious. The show already made Cece a lying, psychopathic murderer. It’s not at all a stretch that she would not only kill Marion but also pin it on someone else. She killed Wilden. She might’ve even been the one that killed Garrett.

[kiwibirdlafayette]

I was up for almost 24 hours straight at a band sleepover/social after our marching show and I had an ephiphany/theory about season 2 using spoilers from the trailer and wild assumptions dont come at me for this im tellin u right now I came up with this sleep deprived ill put a cut in case

What if reason Dictatious went to the side of Gunmar had something to do with the actions Blinky and/or Aaarrrgghh?

Part of me realizes that its most likely he went Gunmar’s side because well hes an asshole and a traitor boy but?? what if it wasn’t by his own choice, but like- brainwashing?? because it kinda confuses me and im probably misinterpreting stuff but w/e

Think about it- the way Blinky portrays his brother (by his memory) makes Dictatious out to be a fairly noble troll who seemed like pretty dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge that for him to just go to Gunmar and be like “cool leader” and presumably fake his death (??maybe) seems somewhat uncharacteristic for him to just go and pull something like that out of the blue

Then there’s Gunmar- ya boi just lost his good big green son and Bular’s outside so he need a new friend?? whO BETTER TO KIDNAP THEN SOME SMART BOY??? Its kinda hard to determine the credibility of this scenario since we don’t know the timeline of like the war (when Aaarrrgghh defected, Gunmar was sealed, Dictatious joined them, etc.)

bUT LIKE- what if Dictatious turned to the GummGumms for the sake of sacrificing himself for the good of all things? It’s made clear that like GummGumms can make trolls do things they dont want to (think Changelings) through im guessing mental manipulation so either they took Dictatious and did such things or he sacrificed himself and stuff happened

I mean- if you look at his eyes in that poster ya boi still got pupils its like really light though?? it could just be adaptation to living in the dark but trolls live underground and even in Trollmarket im sure it’d be dark I can’t explain these glowing eyes but that’ll be another post maybe im struggling already to stay on topic and not go off on a tangent

the scar marks too?? wh AT

And even if we ignore all this what might have been Dictatious’s motives for betraying Blinky (and everyone else) in the first place? Typically, betrayal comes as a result of having reservations about the current system of authority and I can’t even begin to think why Dictatious would have evil intentions to begin with considering several factors unless he had evil intentions to begin with (aka the Galadrigals?? were??? gUMM GUMMS??? TO START WITH???) and Blinky’s the traitor?? (as in he knew Aaarrrgghh from longer ago and they defected together what what wha t where is my mind going uksnkdnfv.skfnb)

anyways thats all I have for now whether or not any of this is relevant will remain-

U N S O L V E D (until dec 15th lmao)

[noble-pro]

Vietnam Trail Marathon 70km - The Inaugural Edition

The Vietnam Trail Marathon was in its inaugural edition. The team already organised the Vietnam Mountain Marathon and the Jungle Marathon so were experienced in race directing. Nonetheless I didn’t expect such a quality show. We landed at 05:30hrs and got a taxi into Hanoi were we collected our race bibs. From there it was an organised bus ride 5hours to the north west. Destination Moc Chau. Moc Chau reminded me of a mountain resort but with a rather misplaced corporate luxury hotel in the middle of it. The race brief was amidst a performance of local traditional dance. It felt very patriotic as they displayed what was good about their province including dancing around with pictures of milk urn, it was very colourful and jovial. Buffet dinner with lots of sticky rice, spring rolls and noodles and then bed. The alarm was set for 2.30am. It was 8.30pm in the UK so on getting up it felt like I definitely wanted to be heading to bed but typically I woke before the alarm thinking ‘oh god I’ve overslept’. However, pre race routine kicks in and I headed towards the kettle for a coffee and bowl of oats. The bus left at 3am and the race started at 4am. It was warm to me coming from a British winter but all the locals were really wrapped up in coats and gloves. They kept touching me and asking me why I wasn’t cold! Moc Chau is an area famous in Vietnam for its tea plantations and peach blossom. The race took place at the height of the peach blossom season so people were bringing the trees into their homes for lunar new year. Mopeds with trees attached to them flooded the roads. This race took my breath away. Running through the dark for the first 2hours or was over pretty technical terrain. I used the LED Lenser SEO 7R.  As the darkness lifted I was amazed to see what I was running through. We climbed up to a plateau in the dark on a technical single track. It was humid so the rocks were slippery and everytime I reached to grasp something for balance it was thorny and spiky. The plateau revealed small villages that no car can access. They were so deeply hidden in rugged terrain with no running water or electricity. However the people did have plenty of energy as they tended their crops and smiled and waved. The children ran along side laughing which was a very precious experience. The trails weaving through the landscape changed from jungle like with roots and vines that tangled between your feet to rural farms with cows, buffalo and pigs to flower fields, tea plantations and blossom orchards. However the think sticky mud didn’t change – it was so slidey and hard to move through. One French runner lost the sole of his Hoka Shoes and so had to finish the last 30km with just the uppers of his shoes held onto his feet by socks worn over the top. My race was made because of the scenery. I had no expectations. I felt pretty rotten from the beginning. I had done 3 weeks of decent running but nothing over 4hrs or 20miles. Then 10days of being ill and then a week limping about on my sore foot hoping it would hold up to the rigours of 70km. My body clock wasn’t sure if I should be sleeping or whether breakfast was appropriate. I felt nauseous especially as the sun came up and the humidity rose. My foot was really sore (long standing issue I manage). I guess it’s fair to say I wasn’t feeling the love for ultra-running. In hindsight I had arrived in Vietnam after a really tiring and stressful 3 or so months so not sure I was in the most optimal condition but whinging (even to myself) in a place like this was totally ridiculous. I resolved to just make sure I would do my best. The race continued up and down slipping and sliding over its 3645m and I kept pushing on needing to see more beautiful scenery. The race was superbly marked and although I ran alone I never felt unsafe. I was pleased to finish I must admit. 9hrs 37mins. 1st female. 5th overall. It took a few hours to stop feeling sick but the sun shone and lying prone in a tea plantation was delightfully relaxing. The people were so friendly. I mingled amongst runners and traditionally dressed locals. I felt a bit like a giant at times. I was delighted to win a wooden water buffalo having said hello to so many on route. It was a great day for many reasons. I’d been able to run in one of the most beautiful places in the world; to help put things into perspective; Jon won his age group in the 21km race; the sun shone and I met more new friends. 3 days relaxing afterwards was spent kayaking, swimming, cave exploring all in Ha Long Bay. The name Hạ Long means ‘descending dragon’ and it’s a UNESCO World Heritage site. The bay features about 2000 limestone islets in an area around 1,553 km2.  The limestone has gone through 500 million years of formation with tectonic influenced plate activity, rain and humidity shaping the topography of the area. Heading back to the chaos of Hanoi was quite a contrast. The red on the traffic lights doesn’t mean red! Just cross with confidence apparently and you’ll be dodged! There was weasel coffee to be tried- the weasel eats the coffee cherries, partially digests  the coffee beans, poos them out where they are collected, cleaned, dried and roasted. Following the French invasion in the 1800s, coffee was introduced into Vietnam, but was considered a luxury so only the French colonists along with Nguyen dynasty’s nobles could drink it. The farmers were forbidden from consuming it therefore the only way to drink it was to pick up the Weasel poo which was a block of coffee beans sticking together. They soon discovered it was more aromatic, smoother and less bitter. With time before leaving the country for the 11hour flight home there was also time for a Vietnamese massage which was a whole body experience. Lots of pressure, clicks and cracks! An amazing place! So many experiences. The trip contrasted; from being physically demanding in the mountains motivated by the people and breathtaking landscape; and yet mentally relaxing with the time on the ocean. Thank you to the race organisers and as always to all my sponsors. SCOTT Running, KOMFUEL, Led Lenser UK, Beta- running, Rocktape, Squirrel Nut Butter, Coffee Buddies, & Symprove.   Read the full article

[choosingfreedom-a]

harry potter au.

name. levi ackerman house. slytherin wand. pine and phoenix feather, 10 inches, reasonably supple blood status. half-blood patronus. has a difficult time producing a corporeal patronus, but it would be a peregrine falcon.

summary / au-specific tidbits.

grew up in muggle france but moved back to britain with kenny when he was ten; attended hogwarts; is bilingual, but consciously speaks with a british accent rather than a french one, though the french may slip through if he isn’t paying attention.

(note, though, that i can play a slight alternate where he attends beauxbatons, either transferring to hogwarts halfway through his schooling or remaining in france until after he graduates.)

was in the order of the phoenix for both the first and second wars.

powerful wizard and incredibly skilled duelist. excelled at defense against the dark arts. prefers a wand but can perform wandless magic.

also a wonderful flier. never joined a quidditch team but often flew around the pitch on his own. flying calms him. is notable for being able to aim remarkably well while flying, so can essentially duel from a broomstick. 

comes from a family of purebloods (his father is an unknown muggle), but not a blood purist. 

knows some dark magic and isn’t morally against using it if he deems it necessary to achieve greater ends, but doesn’t often, aware of the stigma against it

wand analysis.

pine.

The straight-grained pine wand always chooses an independent, individual master who may be perceived as a loner, intriguing and perhaps mysterious. Pine wands enjoy being used creatively, and unlike some others, will adapt unprotestingly to new methods and spells. Many wandmakers insist that pine wands are able to detect, and perform best for, owners who are destined for long lives, and I can confirm this in as much as I have never personally known the master of a pine wand to die young. The pine wand is one of those that is most sensitive to non-verbal magic.

phoenix feather.

This is the rarest core type. Phoenix feathers are capable of the greatest range of magic, though they may take longer than either unicorn or dragon cores to reveal this. They show the most initiative, sometimes acting of their own accord, a quality that many witches and wizards dislike.

Phoenix feather wands are always the pickiest when it comes to potential owners, for the creature from which they are taken is one of the most independent and detached in the world. These wands are the hardest to tame and to personalise, and their allegiance is usually hard won.

a pine’s owner tends to be an independent loner, which clearly works for levi, and its penchant for creativity and adaptability is representative of levi’s own resourceful ability to adapt quickly to new situations. he has been known to modify his spells in ways that make them either more powerful or more effective in certain circumstances, and his pine wand reacts well to it. as for the rumor that pine owners live long lives, well, levi considers that to be bitterly ironic, as he doesn’t expect to live long at all, but then, the fact that he seems to keep on surviving while the people around him die might belie that.

as for the phoenix feather, levi is well-represented in the phoenix: an intensely powerful and independent creature whose loyalty, when won, is invaluable, but whose trust takes a great deal to earn. levi is not easily tamed, and he, too, has a tendency to act of his own accord when he believes it necessary, defying orders if need be, so it’s fitting that his wand has the potential for the same.

house analysis.

first, let me discuss why i didn’t place him in any other houses, because i’ve seen people headcanon pretty much all of them for levi.

hufflepuff: i guess he gets this one because he’s loyal and cares about protecting people? but slytherins are also loyal and care about protecting people - and levi simply doesn’t have the temperament of a hufflepuff. despite his protectiveness and good intentions, he doesn’t project patience or kindness (those qualities exist, but they aren’t on display), he isn’t team- or family-oriented, he doesn’t care about avoiding conflict, and he doesn’t have the affinity for nature, food, etc that hufflepuffs often have. to be blunt, y’all, he’s not a good enough person for hufflepuff.

ravenclaw: this one i understand, because levi is very intelligent, and he does care about honesty and truth, and he is innovative. but levi’s intelligence is very practical and in-the-moment; he doesn’t really care about academia for academia’s sake. he values learning for the sake of putting it to use more than for its own merits. he’s not the kind of free-thinker ravenclaws often are. his cleverness is more slytherin than ravenclaw.

gryffindor. yes, levi cares about a cause. yes, levi can be noble. but here’s the thing: gryffindors tend to have a strong moral code and stick to it; they have a clear idea of what a just world is and try their hardest to achieve it. levi sees the world in shades of grey, without a clear good and evil. his morality is much more flexible and individualistic; a gryffindor would frown upon levi’s machiavellian does-whatever-is-necessary-to-achieve-his-ends philosophy. levi also doesn’t care about glory and isn’t as social as gryffindors tend to be. frankly, though he can be friends with gryffindors individually (isabel is a gryffindor), as a whole they’re more likely to tire and frustrate him. (to be quite honest with you, it baffles me to see people draw/sort levi as a gryffindor. he’d be so annoyed if he had to be around gryffindors all the time??? let him Rest????)

slytherin. slytherins can be very loyal, but this loyalty tends to be conditional to their in-group. they aren’t highly social, but they do protect their groups, their families, to a fault. this mirrors levi’s brand of loyalty: he’ll only attach himself to a person, like erwin, who has proven themselves to him, and while he’s very individual, he’s protective of the small groups that may form around him. 

he’s both cunning and underhanded - his ability to think on the spot and adapt to situations plus his willingness to play dirty to get what he wants would offend a gryffindor, as would his belief that unpleasant methods can be justified by a necessary result. he doesn’t see the world as divided into good and evil, but rather into groups of people who’ve had to make choices; his grey view of the world, plus his ability to read people and guess the motivations behind their choices, strike me as more slytherin than anything else.

now, one thing that isn’t very slytherin of him is his tendency towards blunt honesty; he might flatly refuse to practice the deceit another slytherin might say is wiser or more necessary. levi is underhanded, but openly so - he’ll do whatever he needs to to get his way, but he’ll tell you that upfront. he isn’t manipulative in the way erwin is, in that his manipulations are, while effective, also transparent. in fact, some might accuse his style of blunt intimidation of being unpleasantly gryffindor - an insult among slytherins, who see discreet manipulation and finesse as far more valuable than physical intimidation, when getting one’s way. (levi, of course, ignores these jabs and continues on anyway.)

i suppose the whole slytherins are evil thing needs to be addressed. obviously slytherins aren’t evil, not as a whole, and levi certainly isn’t. (he isn’t the exception here; there are plenty of slytherins with their hearts in the right place.) but he also isn’t concerned with being seen as a good person - he’d like to be a good person, if he can, but whether others think of him that way is less important. he does want to be seen as a competent person, and recognized for his skills, but the fact is that he’s rude, he’s crass, he’s broody, and he’s unapologetic about it. so while his compassion belies the heartless slytherins stereotype other houses love to indulge in, his general antisocial nature doesn’t do the house image many favors. 

he also, as noted, cares for gaining knowledge so it can be used, rather than for its own sake; hange, a definite ravenclaw (imo), might want to study something just to see what it does, while levi is looking for ways to put that knowledge to use in his favor. (he’s constantly doing this, actually, observing the world around him and filing away any knowledge that might prove useful in the future, as a survival mechanism.) that’s very slytherin, as is his pragmatism in how to use what he discovers. i also think that the kind of adaptability and self-preservation instincts levi possesses and cultivates are pretty slytherin - slytherins are probably the best out of any house at constantly observing, evaluating, and adapting to the situation around them

history.

     (note that anything during his school years and after is flexible, depending on      plotting; consider this the default.)

the ackermans were, once, a prominent pureblood family, renowned for producing wizards of great power. at some point in the past, however - before grindelwald’s rise, but continuing into it - they fell out of favor in the pureblood community when prominent members of the family refused to support the increasing demand for subjugation of muggles and muggleborns. labeled blood-traitors, the ackermans lost their positions of power (discreetly dismissed from the wizengamot, forced out of government seats), and there were those, especially in the fervor of grindelwald’s propaganda, who even actively persecuted the members of the ackerman family, hunting them down until there were few left.

kuchel ackerman, a young woman and competent, if not particularly powerful, witch, fled to france in the late 1950s with her infant son levi to escape such persecution, hoping that disappearing into the muggle world on the continent would keep her son safe. she didn’t dare to use magic lest it give her away, but her lack of muggle knowledge or muggle qualifications made finding and keeping a job difficult, so she and levi lived in poverty. nevertheless, she raised him as best she could, until, when levi was seven years old, she grew very ill and died.

her brother, kenny ackerman, had meanwhile found other ways of avoiding persecution. in his youth, angry at the rest of pureblood society, kenny had secretly murdered several purebloods, with such skill and stealth that he’d never been caught. that ended, however, when he attempted to murder uri reiss, a powerful wizard - uri caught him, but rather than having kenny punished, struck a deal with him: kenny would be uri’s right hand man, lending uri his immense magical skill, and in turn kenny would be under the reiss family’s protection. this deal lasted for almost a decade - until uri died, and his successor had no such kindness for kenny; he cast kenny out of his household, threatening to reveal kenny’s past murders to the public, and kenny was forced into hiding.

he went to france, thinking to find his sister, whom he hadn’t seen in many years, but when his search led him to a rundown tenement, he found only a scrawny, half-starved child hunkered down in the dirt. unaware that his sister had ever had a child, assuming that this boy was nothing but a squatter, kenny almost left - until the boy looked up and saw him, and kenny was blasted backwards with a force that made the rotting foundation shake.

the boy’s posture hadn’t changed - he still huddled on the ground, his knees drawn up to his chin - but the force was clearly magic, and powerful magic at that. so kenny investigated, and wrung the story of his mother’s life and death out of levi. kenny decided to stay and look after his nephew, though he never revealed to levi that they were related, introducing himself only as a family friend. 

levi’s magic was powerful but dangerously uncontrolled; the burn marks on his hands proved that it had already hurt him at least once. kenny taught him to harness and control his magic. levi didn’t of course have his own wand and kenny refused to give him his, but he taught levi the basics of wandless magic, as well as how to open his senses to other people’s magic and focus his intent. but that wasn’t all -- kenny also taught levi to survive in a magicless world, to fight with both fists and blade, to steal, to observe, to trust his own strength. it was the only way he knew how to raise a child: teach him to survive, whatever it takes.

when levi was ten, they moved back to britain, and kenny started disappearing for a few days at a time, never explaining his errands to levi. the summer after levi’s eleventh birthday, he got his hogwarts letter. (this was, incidentally, the first time levi saw his last name; neither kuchel nor kenny had ever told him, so at first he thought the letter addressed to mr l ackerman was a mistake.) kenny wouldn’t go with him to diagon alley, so levi went alone with the money he had saved up and bought himself as much as he could from his list. when he returned home, robes and new wand in hand, kenny wasn’t there. levi assumed he was off on another errand, or testing levi in some way, but when kenny still hadn’t returned by september first, it was left to levi to find his way to king’s cross alone.

at hogwarts, he was sorted into slytherin, but showed little interest in the forming of alliances that quickly began amongst other slytherin first-years. in fact, he ignored both friendly and unfriendly advances from his housemates, some of whom thought him easy prey because of both his size and his last name. but when one would-be bully ended up in the hospital wing with a broken wrist after a confrontation with levi, he was left mostly alone.

the truth was that levi had no idea how to make friends, how to even try, and he couldn’t help but size up everyone around him as a potential threat; years under kenny’s tutelage had ingrained him with suspicion. his main goal was simply to avoid being bothered, and he focused more on his classes than his classmates. he quickly proved himself an intimidatingly skilled wizard: he excelled especially at defense against the dark arts, with charms as a close second. he also discovered, during their first flying lesson, an immediate love of flying, and though he never joined a quidditch team, he would often sneak out to the quidditch pitch at night, pick the broomshed lock, and steal a broom to fly until he felt calm.

when levi went home for the winter holidays, kenny wasn’t there, and obviously hadn’t been there in quite some time. rather than tell anyone, however, levi resigned himself to living alone; the small amount of wizarding money he possessed was useless here, but he could steal and forage for what he needed, and that’s what he continued to do throughout his years at school. it was an odd sort of double life, spending most of the year in comfort if not joy, and then returning to the muggle world over the summer to live alone as just another kid on the muggle streets.

he didn’t make his first real friend until farlan church, a charismatic ravenclaw, partnered himself with levi on a project and hadn’t left him alone since. levi resisted farlan’s attempts at friendship at first, but eventually relented; farlan was clever and humorous, but also perceptive and level-headed, and never seemed to mind levi’s dour attitude or black humor. in time the duo became three when levi stepped in to protect isabel magnolia, a younger gryffindor, from a gang of students she’d managed to offend. isabel attached herself to levi, calling him her big brother - a move that garnered both laughter and anger from other students, in a time when, as death eater attacks were becoming more common outside hogwarts’ walls, befriending slytherins was becoming increasingly taboo.

by the time levi and farlan graduated, the three were an inseparable trio. farlan and levi moved in together, and isabel began joining them over breaks rather than going home to the orphanage. though war had broken out in the wizarding world, levi had no desire to take part; all he cared about was keeping his head down and sticking with the people he’d begun to think of as his family. 

but the luxury of remaining uninvolved didn’t last long. it wasn’t long after isabel’s graduation. there was a death eater attack. farlan and isabel (a half-blood and a muggle-born respectively) were killed, and levi - levi who had gone out, levi who had left instead of staying home like isabel had asked him to - arrived only in time to see the bodies fall, lit by the curses from within.

he snapped. by the time members of the order of the phoenix arrived in pursuit of the death eaters, what they found instead was levi, blood-spattered in the middle of a ring of carnage, wizards falling around him, the crackle of his magic in the air. one of the order members, erwin smith, a hogwarts graduate some years above levi, already knew of levi and his dueling skills, and it was he who approached levi and convinced him to join in the order, to fight for revenge against the people responsible for isabel and farlan’s death.

so levi joined. as one would expect, he made few friends in the order, at least at first - he was a slytherin, for one thing, and utterly uninterested in working with the rest of the order. angry, antisocial, he tended towards solo missions, convinced anyone else would get in his way, and it was a long time before he learned to work with others. in fact, when suspicions of a spy within the order came out, there were more than a few fingers pointed levi’s way. but erwin vouched for him, and dumbledore trusted him, and it became clear soon enough that whatever else levi was, he was dedicated to saving lives, and the amount of times he protected his fellow order members and civilians alike from death eaters was undeniable. some said that he was the reason the order hung on as long as it did, even fighting a losing battle.

eventually, though, the battle ended. they won, not through levi’s skill or erwin’s planning, but through little more than luck, or so it seemed - one baby’s inability to die. and just like that there was no more fighting to be done. levi was left to figure out how to live in a world at peace - until, of course, a new war came along, and a new generation to fight alongside.

(this is where the timeline gets especially flexible. what does levi do in the intervening years between the wars? whatever works best for the thread, really. some options are these:

dragged along by erwin and hange, who both become professors at hogwarts after the war, levi becomes the flying instructor and head of the dueling club. he isn’t exactly a personable teacher, but he’s a formidable and respected figure, and legends run rampant about his deeds during the war. some students dislike or fear him, while others hope to impress him, and others still have seen the kindness he shows to young students who need a listening ear.

though he refuses to actually work in the ministry, and turns down offers to join the auror program, he does consent to help the aurors hunt down death eaters who fled after voldemort’s fall. once that’s done, he - sticks around, call him a freelancer, there are aurors he knows who were in the order, and he helps them, tracks down dangerous criminals, steps in when his skills are needed. he’s still not ministry, though. shut up.

it’s hard, adjusting to peace. it’s hard, trying to live a quiet life when his body seems trained to expect disaster. but damn it, levi’s going to try. he’s earned that. he owns a tea shop in hogsmeade, a tidy little place. he doesn’t make a fuss, and only a few people think to the connection between levi the tea proprietor and the levi ackerman who killed so many death eaters during the war. but his instincts never go away, and neither do the nightmares.

when voldemort returns, levi isn’t surprised. the world’s a shitty place, after all, and it’s too much to expect that evil dark lords will just stay dead. it sucks, but in some ways it’s almost a relief, rejoining the order, taking up the fight - because this, in the end, feels like it’s all he was ever meant to do. he was made for war; let war take him.

[flower-mist]

Ur gonna hate me but all of the crayon asks. Have fun!!!

*inhales* bOI

(ily)

answers are under the readmore bc l o n g

Macaroni and Cheese: What makes you think of your childhood?

crayons, ofc! also 2000s music (esp disney), yearbook photos, capri suns, those ice pop things that come in clear plastic, cedar point, the kid’s fantasy section at barnes and noble, i could keep talking for like 12 years

Spring Green: How do you relax when you’re stressed?

i read! i read so, so much. writing also helps, but it’s hard to make myself do it bc Issues™. i also watch an excessive amnt of john oliver

Asparagus: What’s an unpopular opinion you have?

listen, hot sauce on mac in cheese is so good

Bittersweet: Has someone you loved ever hurt you?

h*ck yeah 

Eggplant: Explain your url and avatar.

my url is a flower that means courage! and my avatar is that flower

Outer Space: Do you ever feel like you’re an outcast from others?

H*CK YEAH

Cotton Candy: What is your favorite dessert?

i will eat approximately 50 macarons if no one stops me 

Freckle: Do you have any marks on your skin? How do you feel about them?

i have a birthmark and a scar on my back from when i slid down a wall (long story) and freckles! idk i like all of them i guess, as much as i can like my body

Shocking Pink: Is there a trait that you have that others don’t expect from you?

when ppl first meet me they never expect me to swear as much as i do, idk why

Robin’s Egg Blue: If you were an animal, which one do you think would you be?

probably a cat? i took a test once and it told me i was a dik dik but like,, i want to be able to protect people, so a lion or a fox or smth would be chill

Granny Smith Apple: What’s something everyone else likes that you don’t?

WHY DO YOU ALL LIKE PEANUT BUTTER I DON’T UNDERSTAND

Dandelion: What’s a pet peeve of yours?

i rly rly rly don’t like the sound of people eating tho idk whether to file that under “sensory issue” or “pet peeve”

Atomic Tangerine: What gets you motivated to do a difficult task?

a time restriction, someone i care a lot about depending on it, spite

Wisteria: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

im really really good at writing gothic post style things

Candy Apple: How do you think others view you?

l m a o y i k e s 

Plum: Are you insecure about anything?

im insecure about everything but one of the places im most insecure is whether or not people like me

Sky Blue: Where do you feel the most at home?

with the people i love most

Tickle Me Pink: How do you try to cheer others up when they’re sad?

being there to listen, sending them cute animals or memes, writing things for them, etc

Wild Strawberry: Do you care what others think about you?

wayyyy too much

Glossy Grape: Recommend something to your followers.

WATCH VOLTRON PLS I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABT IT

World Wide Web Yellow: What was the last thing you looked up?

“john oliver”

Shadow Blue: Do you have a darker side to you that most people are unaware of?

im not really sure what “darker” means but probably?

Electric Lime: What genre of music do you listen to?

literally everything tho im not super into hardcore country

Night Owl: Describe a very interesting dream that you had.

i rarely remember my dreams but one time i was definitely on a quest to save the world and i broke into a building via a roof

that’s all i remember abt it

Cornflower: What do you think about the most?

dogs and how much i love them

Grasshopper Green: Describe the area where you live.

my dad’s house is part of a complex of town homes. all the houses are very white, and there’s neatly trimmed park areas in between. my favorite part of this area is by the highway where the wildflowers grow. they cut down the last of the woods last year

Misty Moss: Is there anything you regret?

yes

Tiny Toad Brown: Do you find beauty in something that people consider to be ugly or undesirable?

snakes are pretty!!!! dont hate on snakes!!!!!!!!! unless you have a genuine fear of them bc thats valid but don’t be petty its not cool!!!!!!!

Sunny Side Up: Do you like waking up in the mornings, or would you rather sleep in?

i love waking up in the morning but i usually mess up my sleep schedule too much to be able to do it

Kitten Gray: Do you have any pets? If so, describe them.

I HAVE TWO CATS THEY ARE LARGE AND FLUFFY AND KIND OF ACT LIKE DOGS AND NOT THAT SMART BUT I LOVE THEM SOMETIMES THEY PURR AT ME AND IM A SUCCESS

Rose Dust: Describe your aesthetic in five words or less.

stardust, honey, rain, old books (hopefully)

Timberwolf: Do you give second chances when somebody has wronged you?

depends on how far they went

Freshly Squeezed: What excites you?

literally everything im interested in bc i get super invested in things and also my friends being excited about something 

Firefly Red: What gives you purpose?

the people i love, fear, spite, laughter, ice cream

Tiny Teapot Tan: Do you consider yourself to be attractive/cute?

lmao no

im okay sometimes but like, that’s rare

Rain Drop Blue: Describe the weather outside.

it is currently cloudy as fuck and also cold

Sweet Pea Green: Do you have/want children?

i don’t think im in a place where i can make that decision for myself yet

Pussywillow: Do you like being around others, or do you like being alone?

yes and no? social situations are very draining for me bc anxiety/introversion, but i absolutely love spending time w my close friends

Jack ‘O’ Lantern Orange: What’s your biggest fear and why?

highkey not gonna talk about that on a public forum

Baby Bunny Pink: Do you look young for your age, or do you look older than you are?

one time i went to get the oil changed for my car and the person at the counter asked me if i was 12

Mystic Maroon: What confuses you, and why?

people confuse me bc 

people

Cosmic Cobalt: What’s your zodiac sign, and do you think it’s accurate?

pisces! and it’s a very very good fit for me

Petal Pink: Describe your fashion sense as well as what you’re wearing right now.

idk rn it’s mostly sweaters and plaid and converse? but my style differs a lot based on gender stuff so idkkkkkk

Mountain Meadow: Do you like taking care of others, or do you prefer being care of?

yes?

Fuzzy Duckling Yellow: Is there something from childhood that you haven’t outgrown?

literally everything i will never outgrow my childhood

Brussel Sproutlet: Do you have any unhealthy habits?

*gestures to all of me*

Razzle Dazzle Rose: Describe an ideal date.

yikes this is hard bc like

okay this is going to sound rly rly stupid but im good with almost anything just so long as im spending time with the person?

i guess doing anything that makes them comfortable/happy

that was such a non-answer, ill come up with a real one at some pt

Periwinkle: What’s something ordinary that has personal meaning to you?

my necklace is gr8

Mauvelous: Do you think you deserve a better life than you have now?

probably not

Blueberry Blue: Do you get sad easily?

h*ck yeah

Purple Mountains Majesty: How does someone earn your respect?

by treating others with respect and kindness

holy shit that was so many but thank u!!!

jonathon took all of these so here are more questions if you want to ask some

[thesinglesjukebox]

EMINEM - DARKNESS

[2.20]

We’ve come to talk about Em again...

Alfred Soto: Good lord -- an Eminem single called "Darkness," surprised yet? The Simon and Garfunkel interpolation and sound effects come off as cheap contexualizing for the sake of a bait-and-switch in which Em unmasks himself as Stephen Paddock. With critics paying renewed attention to the complexity of his flow, it's also worth stressing that ability tethered to self-pity deserves scorn. [4]

Brad Shoup: I swear to Christ I saw the title and knew he was gonna interpolate Simon and Garfunkel. But I also knew he and Royce were making their own "Six Feet Deep," and I was way off. Turns out it's a creative-writing assignment designed to keep the grader's pen dangling forever. What do you do with something detailed so painstakingly and painfully? The parallels Em draws are clever enough linguistically. (Has any song ever flattered Genius annotators more?) But the only ones that feel legit involve substance abuse. This is a megalomaniacal idea presented bashfully -- I should be grateful he isn't trying to do voice acting -- and framed thoughtlessly. The gunshots and screams are ghoulish enough without considering how the rest of his catalog uses them as cartoon gags. A fantastically bad idea that I will be thinking about for at least as long as the song's excruciating runtime. [5]

Kylo Nocom: Em forces the audience to endure his balladry, only to reveal that they were, like, empathizing with the Las Vegas shooter the entire time! The set-up is... intriguing (to call it "well-executed" feels like making another lame pun he'd squeeze in) yet it still sucks in many ways that don't even require public moral outcry: the sound effects spoil the twist way too early, his singing burps out remnants of emo rap, the beat samples fucking Simon & Garfunkel, and I still hate the sound of this guy's voice doing anything. To write any more on this feels like losing a game that Eminem will win -- a point he makes annoyingly often and remains true. But it's a shame that something meant to be poignant from the guy comes out as weak shock humor. [3]

Julian Axelrod: In theory, I'm not mad that Eminem is still trying to pivot to Social Commentary Anthems. I guess I'd rather hear him use his platform to wrestle with knotty issues than peddle stale punchlines about killing Honey Boo Boo or whatever. But what's really frustrating is Eminem's refusal to drop his gimmicks when it matters. You can't make a song about real life survivors and reference Saturday Night Fever. You can't condemn gun violence at festivals and condemn festival-goers concerned about gun violence. And regardless of the subject matter, you cannot punctuate a belabored alcohol-as-gun metaphor by muttering "Double entendre" like a sadistic, self-satisfied SparkNotes. That's the worst part: No one outside of Eminem's stanbase will be swayed by this, and very few within it will either. When will his reign of terror end? When no one cares. [0]

Isabel Cole: Oh, fuck you: for being tacky enough to open a limp-pulsing track called "Darkness" with a phrase that's been memed into meaninglessness and then marrying it to our particular American plague so that I feel irrationally bad about dismissing it with a flippant joke. But, fine, Eminem has put on his (boring, ill-fitting) big boy clothes, so let's do this. Being a grown-up, like being an artist, means being accountable for your choices, beginning with not just the choice to rap from the perspective of a mass shooter (although it's hard to imagine a level of artistic merit or political efficacy that would justify that decision), but specifically the choice of this shooter, this tragedy. It's easy to imagine why this particular incident would call to Eminem, from the infamy of the body count to the anxiety he must feel about the possibility of a similar event striking one of his own audiences. In choosing a mass murderer who remains so enigmatic, Eminem gets to dwell in the alleged mystery of violence, emphasizing its senselessness even to those who commit it. But it's more than the scale that makes that massacre unusual (although the scale also bears on the irresponsibility of his selection: come on, dude, how can you profess concern and not see yourself laying the groundwork for some other asshole to think "if I kill enough people someone famous will write a song about me?"); the perpetrator had no known history of domestic violence, but the majority of such men do. You can't talk about American violence without talking about American misogyny, and selecting a narrative that enables you to avoid the connection between the two marks you as someone with nothing to contribute to the conversation; implicitly generalizing this genderless narrative by layering news audio clips of shooting after shooting brings it from stupid to evil, emphasizing the pervasive danger of American culture now that men are dying too. This is of course particularly galling coming from goddamn Eminem, who has profited so handsomely from the commodification of violence against women. Galling partly because it retroactively dims whatever insights on the topic he may have laid claim to: rather than the inscrutable, almost mystical lost soul portrayed here, most of these men are something more like the narrator of "Love the Way You Lie" plus a couple years on the wrong parts of Reddit. He could have chosen to bridge that gap for his long-time listeners, to make the connection between hating the bitch who ruined your life and being self-centered enough to want to watch the world burn, but he didn't. Making me wonder what exactly he thought he was rapping about all those years, if he finds this form of violence so novel. [0]

Will Rivitz: I see Lin-Manuel's done away with his orchestra's string section. [2]

Andy Hutchins: The distance between "Hi, kids! Do you like violence? / Wanna see me stick nine-inch nails through each one of my eyelids?" and a three-verse double entendre that doesn't exactly strain itself to not sympathize with one of history's most nefarious mass murderers is not as far as one should probably walk in 20 years of life. A less clever rapper would not have found as many ways firearms buttress our vernacular; a cleverer one might have made this song about that instead of a five-minute trigger warning. A wiser one wouldn't have attempted this at all: Noble though the aim may be, there is no target audience here. [3]

Will Adams: Eminem stepping into the mind of a mass shooter is not surprising. Punctuating said narrative with in media res sound effects (shower curtains! pill bottles! loading clips! screams!), turning "The Sound of Silence" into a Talkboy sample, and making this shit five and a half minutes long? That takes extra chutzpah. [2]

Katherine St Asaph: I suspect the efforts to prevent copycat shootings were doomed ages ago, if not after Columbine then definitely after Rodger. Even if every mass shooter permanently closed off his chosen inspiration to all future comers, there are still enough sprees strewn throughout history -- hell, just through this millennium -- to produce years of trauma; and even if every media outlet declined to report shooters' names or manifestos, all of that would still circulate on chans and Discords (where they probably originated anyway) that any given proto-shooter is far more likely to read than the Associated Press, and infinitely more likely to trust. It's a failure of imagination: far easier to high-mindedly decline to acknowledge shootings than to reckon with them, to dissect and understand what makes them happen and more importantly what doesn't, and thus learn how to stop them. As a certain folk duo sang, silence like a cancer grows -- which brings us to Eminem's "Sound of Silence"-sampling, presumably cautionary foray into the Vegas shooter's mind. If your average caustic millennial isn't reading the mainstream news, he's definitely not listening to Eminem in 2020, and yet "Darkness" crumples under the burden of needing to not inspire anyone. The rapping is low-energy, the rhymes distractingly stiff or goofy -- trigger/convictions, booze/snooze -- the flow lumbering and often just bad. Where Disturbed heightened "The Sound of Silence" to Game of Thrones grandeur, Em and Royce -- perhaps building on a popular mashup -- desiccates it. The arrangement is the midpoint of Alex da Kid and "Teardrop": a smothering quicksand, meant to drag listeners into inertia and keep them there. (For all the gunshots-and-cussing masculinity of this, the piano loop reminds me most of Sarah Brightman's cover of "Scarborough Fair": delicately hypnotic.) Eminem conveys neither Slim Shady's glee nor "Love the Way You Lie"'s visceral anger, nor much but a morose slog, but give him this: It is mostly impossible to imagine someone hearing "Darkness" and buying a gun. Mostly. Why, if you're aiming not to inspire, would you musically accompany the killing-spree verse by finally moving past line two of "The Sound of Silence," to where the melody gratifyingly blooms upward? The vodka bottles in the video -- the lyrics' metaphorical gun, shown in appealing product-placement close-up -- are thankfully fake prop brands -- but then why do the close-ups at all? Most tellingly, Eminem chooses one of the few shooters with no manifesto to disseminate and few known motivations. Whether that's out of a desire to avoid spreading the truly hateful shit (which would be a recent development), to avoid the issue in general, or just to play the guy with the biggest body count, it means he gets away with lines like "you'll never find a motive, truth is I have no idea" instead of engaging with the specific kind of nihilism shooters are all too happy to tell you about -- a nihilism that is, in some part, his creation. When will this end? When enough people care what "this" is. Begrudging point for the part where, after Eminem says "magazines," the video cuts to actual magazines, like the glossy paper kind: the best trolling he's done in years, specifically of the sort of gunfuckers who were already halfway through a comment about him saying "clips." I suppose it's not the bleakest way he's made people laugh. [3]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: At one point Eminem had the capacity to make jokes. He's way funnier here, his faux-double entendres and sampha-soundalike Simon and Garfunkel interpolation adding up to something so maudlin and obvious that it's almost impossible to listen to as serious political rap. It's not even disgusting. [0]

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