#whether i agree with athletes playing through extreme pain or not

[fannyyann]

paul worrying about matthew going out there but saying he earned the right to make the call since he was cleared 🥹🥹

[casssian]

Can you resume what he said in press conference or did you know post that resume his press conference ?

hi! overall he [mazepin] was just making excuses for himself but the main points were:

he found out he lost his seat through the press

according to him haas did not hint at it, as all considerations were in case he couldn't race, which was not the case since he could under the neutral flag and all that

he's disappointed because there was no legal reason to terminate the contract

haas made no effort to discuss a solution with him after barcelona

thinks he deserved more from the team

wants to go back to f1 but never wants to return to haas because of the way things played out

he was happy to agree and consent to fia's terms and saw no problem in competing as neutral

but then he also had agreed to the terms and conditions BEFORE reading it and actually finding out what he was agreeing to

the night before the announcement the fia released more terms and he was skeptical to accept them, but the contract was terminated the following day before he had a chance to say yes or no - he was literally just fired

(he avoided the questions about whether he would've agreed to new terms or not)

he hasn't spoken to günther since barcelona

he also has no desire of racing in russia (national series)

he suggested he won't take any actions to get his seat back

"one thing to add is, i don’t want to go back to places which don’t want me"

george, checo, valtteri and carlos contacted him after he lost his seat to offer support

emphasised he won't shit talk any team members publicly but if they do contact him he'll be honest and say what he thinks of the entire situation

about the war he just said he has friends and family in both sides and that this is an extremely painful time - he will not make public statements about it beyond that

he also avoided questions about putin and his dad

this was not said in the press conference but i think it's important to add: uralkali had already transferred most of the sponsorship money for the season to haas, they're pissed and are going to try to get a refund

and lastly, he'll use uralkali's money for 'we compete as one' — some kind of organisation he'll create to help other athletes who are prohibited from competing in their respective sports internationally

we should consider this press conference happened before the eu released a new list of sanctions, in which both nikita and dmitry are featured so now there is a legal reason for haas to terminate the contracts lol

[ailuronymy]

do you think every disabled character in wc is handled poorly? i understand theres def some cases of ableism but at the same time when i hear ppl say that its usually bc the disabled cat wasnt able to become a warrior due to their disability. and i feel like ppl forget, that not everyone irl CAN do what they want after they become disabled. ex. someone wants to be an athlete, but their legs have to be amputated. a cat like briarlight esp i feel is p realistic and could be a source of comfort

Hello there, thank you for writing in. I’m going to reply to this question with a series of questions I think are a bit more useful, given what you’re trying to ask me. I hope that’ll clarify what is a deeply complex, multilayered issue. 

Do I think Erin Hunter handles anything in the series “well”? Not really. I don’t have a high opinion of the work of the collective and, broadly speaking, I think every right note they play, metaphorically speaking, is an instance of chance rather than effort, skill, or intention. Stopped clocks are right twice a day, mediocre writers will sometimes do something cool by accident, similar principle. That’s not to say Erin Hunter hasn’t ever done anything on purpose--just that overall the underlying drive of the series isn’t so much quality as it is quantity, and speed of production, and it shows. 

Do I think Erin Hunter puts any significant research into how they portray disability? No. I do not think it is a priority for this series. They’re not trying to make a meaningful work of literature, or capture a realistic experience of disability, or tell especially impactful or thoughtful stories, or even make a particularly good or coherent fantasy world. Warriors is a specifically commercial product that was commissioned by HarperCollins to appeal to a particular demographic of drama-loving, cat-loving kids. It’s not really trying to do anything but sell books, because it’s a business, so the text in many ways reflects that. They’re not going for disability representation, in my opinion. They’re including disability in many cases as a plot-point or an obstacle. 

Do I think this means that people can’t connect to these characters and narratives in meaningful ways? No. Often I say that a work is completed only when it is read. Before that point, it doesn’t have a meaning: a reader finishes the work through the act of reading, and interpretation, and filling in the spaces and resonance of the story with their own values and experiences. When people talk about subjectivity, this is what they are talking about. What this means in the context of disabled characters in Warriors is that these characters and their stories can be multiple, conflicting, even mutually exclusive things at the same time, to different people, for different reasons. 

Do I think characters have to be “good” to be significant to someone? No. I think genuinely “bad” (i.e., not researched or poorly researched, cliche, thoughtlessly written, problematic, etc. etc.) characters can be deeply meaningful, and often are. Ditto above: for many people, and especially marginalised or stigmatised people, reading is almost always an act of translation, wherein the person is reading against the creative work of the dominant culture in a way that the author likely didn’t intend or didn’t even imagine. There’s a long documented history of this in queer culture, but it’s true for just about everyone who is rarely (or unfairly) represented in media. Disabled people often have to read deeply imperfect works of fiction featuring disability and reinterpret them in the process--whether to relate to a kind of disability they don’t experience themselves but which is the closest they’re offered to something familiar, or to turn positive and meaningful what is intended as narrative punishment, or simply to create what’s commonly called headcanon about “non-disabled” characters who echo their personal experiences. 

Do I think everyone has to agree? Extremely no. As I said before, people will actually always disagree, because all people have different needs and different experiences. What can be interpreted as empowering to one person might be very othering and painful for another. There is no “right” answer, because, again, that is how subjectivity works. This is especially true because marginalised communities are often many different kinds of people with different lives and needs brought together over a trait or traits they share due to the need for solidarity as protection and power--but only in a broad sense. It’s why there is often intracommunity fighting over representation: there isn’t enough, there’s only scraps, and so each person’s personal interpretation can feel threatening to people whose needs are different. You can see examples of this especially when it comes to arguments over character sexuality: a queer female character might be interpreted as bisexual by bisexual people who relate to her and want her to be, while being interpreted as lesbian by lesbians who also relate to her and want her to be like them. Who is correct? Often these different interpretations based on different needs are presented as if one interpretation is theft from the other, when in fact the situation is indicative of the huge dearth of options for queer people. It becomes increasingly more intense when it comes to “canon” representations, because of the long history of having to read against the grain I mentioned above: there’s novelty and, for some people, validation in “canon” certainty. And again, all of this is also true for disabled people and other stigmatised groups. 

Do I think this is a problem? Not exactly. It is what it is. It is the expected effect of the circumstances. Enforced scarcity creates both the need for community organising and solidarity and the oppressive pressure to prioritise one’s self first and leave everyone else in the dust (or else it might happen to you). The system will always pit suppressed people against each other constantly, because it actively benefits from intracommunity fighting. Who needs enemies when you have friends like these, and so on. A solution is absolutely for everyone in community to hold space for these different needs and values, and to uplift and support despite these differences, but it’s not anyone’s fault for feeling threatened or upset when you don’t have much and feel like the thing that you do have is being taken away. It’s a normal, if not really helpful, human response. But until people learn and internalised that the media is multifaceted and able to be many things at once, without any of those things being untrue or impacting your truth of the text, then there will be fighting. 

Do I think my opinion on disability on Warriors is all that important? No, not really. I can relate to some characters in some moment through that translation, but my opinion on, say, Jayfeather is nowhere near as worthy of consideration than that of someone who is blind. I don’t have that experience and it’s not something I can bring meaningful thinking about, really. That’s true for all these characters. If you want to learn about disability, prioritise reading work about disabled rights and activism that is done by disabled people, and literary criticism from disabled people. And as I mentioned above, remember that community isn’t a monolith: it’s a survival tactic, that brings together many different people with disparate experiences of the world. So research widely. 

Finally--do I think there’s only one kind of disabled narrative worth telling? No. For some people, a disabled character achieving a specific, ability-focused dream is a good story. For other people, a story that acknowledges and deals with the realities, and limitations, of disability is a good story. The same person might want both of those stories at different times, depending on their mood. That’s okay. Sometimes there’s power and delight in a fantasy of overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles and defying all expectations. Sometimes there’s value and catharsis in a narrative that delves into the challenges and grief and oppression experienced because of disability. There’s no one truth. 

To round all this off, I’m going to give my favourite example of this, which is Cinderella. I think it’s a great and useful tool, since for many it’s familiar and it’s very simple. Not much happens. In the story, she is bullied and tormented, until a fairy godmother gifts her over several nights with the opportunity to go to a royal ball, where she dances with a prince. The prince eventually is able to find Cinderella, due to a shoe left behind, and they are married. In some versions, the family that mistreated her are killed. In others, they’re forgiven. 

Some people hate the story of Cinderella, because she is seen as passive. She tolerates the bullying and never fights back. She does every chore she’s told. She is given an opportunity by a fairy godmother, and she doesn’t help herself go to the ball. She runs from the prince and he does the work to find her again. Eventually, she’s married and the prince, presumably, keeps her in happiness and comfort for the rest of her life. 

For some, this story is infuriating, because Cinderella doesn’t “save herself”: she is largely saved by external forces. She is seen as a quintessential damsel-in-distress, and especially for people who have been bullied, infantalised, or made to feel less capable or weak, that can be a real point of personal pain and discomfort. 

However, for some others, Cinderella is a figure of strength, because she is able to endure such hostile environments and terrible people and never gives up her gentle nature or her hope. She never becomes cruel, or bitter. She is brave in daring to go outside her tiny, trapped world, and she is brave to let the prince find her. She doesn’t have to fight or struggle to earn her reward of happiness and prove her worth, because she was always deserving of love and kindness. The prince recognises at once, narratively speaking, her goodness and virtue, and stops at nothing to deliver her a better life. 

Depending on the version, the wicked family disfigure themselves for their own greed--or are punished, which for some is a revenge fantasy; or Cinderella forgives them and once again shows her tenacious kindness, which for others is a different revenge fantasy. 

The point? Cinderella is the same character in the same story, but these are almost unrecognisable readings when you put them side-by-side. Which one is right? Which one is better? In my opinion, those are the wrong questions. I hope this (long, sorry) reply is a set of more useful ones. 

[nukacoola]

Companions react to Danse stepping out of power armor for the first time!

Cait: 

She would look Danse up and down very obviously and grin which would make him extremely uncomfortable. 

“Ya’outgha get out of that thing more often Dansey. Who knew there were cookies in that tin can of yours.”

She obviously isn’t actually interested in Danse. Way too boring. But she’s not one to toss out eye candy just cause it isn’t her favorite flavor. She wouldn’t actively follow him but for fun and also to get on his nerves she would definitely cat-call him everytime he was in hearing range. Deacon and Hancock might join in for a few comments if they don’t have anything better to do.

She would not stop unless sole made a convincing plea or reason for why she should and maybe not even then.

Danse would not respond or look at Cait but he would be very red and never get out of his suit in front of her again.

Codsworth: 

“Why Paladin Danse I dare say you’ve been keeping up your workout routine! Cheers to your excellent health whether in or out of your power armor!” Codsworth is reassured that his owner is traveling with someone so equipped for the struggles of the wasteland.

“Uh, thank you, Codsworth.” Danse would feel a bit awkward but he would appreciate the compliment. 

“Might I polish that for you while you're otherwise engaged? It seems to be in a just dreadful state and I would like nothing more than for you to be looking your best in your wasteland escapades!” Though he is reassured by Danse’s physical state and abilities, he is mortified by the state his armor is in. All the scratches, dings, and dirt? It’s just horrible. Codsworth has always wanted an opportunity to fix that suit up and is pretty happy that the day has finally arrived.

“I- If you’d like to you can.”

“Oh good! I do so love a difficult task!” With that Codsworth would zoom away to procure the necessary supplies to return Danse’s armor to it’s original state. Danse didn’t really know whether or not he should be offended at the robot’s comments but he decided to just continue about his business and not think about it too much. 

Curie:

“Oh Monsieur Danse, you are quite zee lovely specimen! I would be eager to do a physical examination if you would allow me to.” Ever since leaving the vault, Curie has been astounded at how many different sorts of humans there are. Danse is particularly interesting to her because of the amazing athletic feats he does so regularly. She is also interested in studying the effects of constant power armor usage on the human body. When she sees him step out of his suit for the first time and sees his overly muscular physique, it just tacks on another reason she wants to study him. 

Before Blind Betrayal:

“The only specimen that needs examining is you, synth. Don’t talk to me unless you’re submitting yourself to the Brotherhood.” The only reason Curie isn’t already on the Prydwen is because Sole thinks it’s their friend. It bothers Danse immensely that Sole hasn’t destroyed or used this inhuman thing already.

(Don’t get mad at me he literally says this in game.)

Curie is very hurt, she expected this reaction but it still hurt. She was still getting used to feelings such as the pained ones she felt in moments like these.

After Blind Betrayal:

“No. Thank you.” Danse’s words were strained. Being around Curie was pretty awful for him. He had treated her so terribly before and he still had strong feelings of disgust towards her despite what he knows now. Everytime he sees her and has those feelings of hate and disgust, he remembers that he and Curie are the same. He’s still struggling to overcome the years of propaganda that were drilled into him. 

Curie is disappointed. Did Danse not see they are the same? If he didn’t believe in her humanity then he would have to not believe in his own. It is very confusing for Curie. She hopes that he will eventually go back on his denial of her offer. He would be a very interesting specimen.

Deacon:

He would be surprised that Danse would be able to wear that clunky thing so much in the first place. He wouldn’t be surprised at how muscular he is under the suit though. It takes a lot of strength to operate those suits. He’d read that before they were fully developed, a lot of trial runs had resulted in really terrible accidents. The kind of accidents that crush all of your bones at once or remove your top half from your bottom.

Deacon would definitely make a few jokes. “Hey the sardine’s outta the can!” “Isn’t getting out of that bulldozer against Brotherhood policy or something?” “And I thought it was glued on! Learn something new everyday.”

Danse would scowl at his comments but say nothing. He did not like Deacon one bit. That man’s hiding something and if it turns out what he’s hiding will harm Sole or the Brotherhood’s mission, there was gonna be hell to pay. Danse could’ve sworn he’d seen him on the Prydwen a few times but whenever he looked back again to check, he was gone. Danse didn’t much like the idea of leaving his power armor alone with Deacon around but Sole assured him he’s harmless. We’ll see...

Whenever Danse returned to his suit Deacon would stand suspiciously close to it and act like he was trying to play cool after almost being caught doing something nefarious. He would never get tired of watching Danse carefully inspect every part of the armor before apprehensively getting in. Man that guy’s fun to mess with.

Dogmeat: 

He was so surprised! He thought this human was just made of metal! But now Dogmeat can play and jump and lick! Yes!!

Danse has no idea how to deal with a dog he wasn’t allowed to kick so he would just try to awkwardly push the pup off until Sole took care of it.

Hancock: 

Oh HELL YES! Hancock has wanted to punch this fucker since he first laid eyes on him. “HEY SOLDIER BOY, TIME TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO OUT OF YOUR DAMN COWARD COFFIN!” He would make a beeline towards the paladin and the paladin would speed walk towards the ghoul as well. Sole barely let him insult the damn freak but this was a direct attack of which he was most definitely gonna defend himself from.

Sole would freak out a bit and try to get in between the two. They would both try to get Sole out of the way so they could pummel each other. A brief alliance in order to facilitate their battle. This was too sweet of an opportunity to miss. 

“Sorry Sunshine, this is happening.”

“Sole, it has directly started an altercation with me and I intend to see it through.”

If they both had a great relationship with Sole after a bit of panicked begging to both parties, the men would begrudgingly back off. They would, however, insult each other viciously despite Sole’s protests. 

“You have no fucking idea how lucky you are meathead. I swear to god if they weren’t here…”

“You call me a meathead but you’re the one who’s rotting, ghoul.”

They would continue to jab each other until Sole dragged Danse off to do what he got out of his suit to do in the first place. 

If one or both of them didn’t have a close relationship with Sole, well, it wouldn’t be pretty. They would forcibly move Sole out of the way and fight for a while. Though Danse is much bigger than Hancock, Hancock is quicker and better at hand to hand. Danse, being unused to fighting outside of his armor, was ultimately unable to beat the ghoul. Hancock landed one final blow to his face, knocking Danse flat. When he stayed down Hancock laughed loudly and spit at him.

“Done in by the best, lucky you.” It would be a huge blow to Danse’s ego and he’d resent Hancock even more now. Hancock would gloat constantly when Danse was around. “Heyyy, there’s my favorite punching bag!” “Come on over Dansey I won’t bite!” He wouldn’t out of shame, but if Danse ever did try to retort, Hancock would just taunt him. Saying something like “Oh yeah? Ya know my favorite way to settle conflicts is by beating the other asshole into the dirt. Hop outta that suit and we can go for round two.”

MacCready:

Mac’s always thought of Danse as an annoying asshole. He still thinks of him this way but when he stepped out of that armor for the first time. Ho lee sh-crap. MacCready might have to look into joining the Brotherhood if the rest of those guys looked the same as Danse. He had expected him to be strong cause of the whole carrying 500 pounds of steel everywhere but his body was something Mac was not expecting and something he could look at for a while. 

If Danse came near the merc he would probably clam up and blush a bit. If Danse caught him staring, he would annoyedly ask, “Is there a problem, civilian?”

“I- uh no.” any other day he would’ve fired back some snide remark but he couldn’t quite seem to think of one right now. 

Nick:

Nick really couldn’t give less of a damn. He hated Danse, Danse hated him, and the two did their best to ignore each other. 

Piper: Piper didn’t really care either. Sure he was muscular but she was very turned off by the everything else about him. All she really payed attention to was the possibility of an exclusive interview or an inside look at the Brotherhood’s workings. Danse would never agree to either of those though. Preston: Preston didn’t care. He already knew you had to be strong to wear power armor especially if you wore them as much as Brotherhood Paladins did. He didn’t like the Brotherhood and by extension, he didn’t trust Danse. Preston was mannerly of course, for Sole, but he knows Danse thinks very little of the Minutemen so he didn’t try too hard to be kind. Strong: Strong thinks this is good time to smash strong human. He has killed many brothers but he wears metal suit. He is weak without metal suit. Human friend tells Strong that if Strong smash, Strong will not find milk of human kindness. Strong angry, Strong want to smash, but Strong not smash.

Danse would never get out of his suit near Strong unless he absolutely had to. Sole insisted that the abomination wasn’t going to be a problem but he didn’t believe it for a second. It took all of his willpower to not open fire on the thing whenever he saw it. Sole has poor taste in companions...

X6:

X6 wouldn’t care. He would consider taking this opportunity to get rid of the high ranking Brotherhood soldier, but it would make Sole upset and would do relatively little to the Brotherhood as a whole. 

Ask and ye shall recieve! I decide the winner on Hancock’s one by their special stats. How the hell does Hancock have such good stats and he’s still terrible in a fight??

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 47

Title:  Truth

Warnings: profanity, slight angst, mentions of suicide attempt, depression,  mental health issues

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @miss-smutty, @tragiclyhip​

“Esme told me. About your so-called girls trip. That it was nothing but bullshit.”

Sighing heavily, Riley leans back against one of the panes of glass; legs stretched out in front of her, arms folded across her chest. She’d only arrived an hour ago, and the initial joy and excitement of being rushed by a horde of children had been quickly replaced by frazzled nerves and nibbles of anxiety. The moment he’d approached when she’d been alone in the kitchen, she’d known it wasn’t with good intentions; the deep rumble of his voice, the tense shoulders and jaw, the increasing darkness taking over his eyes. And she’d barely gotten words of acknowledgment and acceptance out of her mouth when his fingers had curled around her upper arm and she found herself being manipulated her towards the sunroom. The door closing behind them and her brother in planting his large, strong frame directly in front of it.

She’s been witness to his ire; possessing a hair-trigger temper that’s been unleashed many times in her presence. Unsuspecting motorists in town that have come too close to his kids while in the crosswalk; profanities hurled in their direction, objects thrown at the car, a foot put through a headlight or front grill more than once. Overzealous parents at the soccer park or lacrosse field that believe their eight year old is the next athletic superstar; pacing the sidelines while screaming insults at teenaged referees and freaking out over poor play of their own kid or others on the field. Only to have a tattooed, six foot three, ‘built like a brick shit house’ coach storm across the grass to confront them on their bullshit; quietly yet intently calling them out and often physically escorting them away from the game. Or men that have the audacity to not just check his wife out, but make lewd remarks about her to their buddies or even attempt to follow her while making suggestive and highly sexualized comments. Never imagining that her husband is either just feet in front or behind her, or even across the street waiting to meet up with her. 

They always regret their decision when they see him happen upon the scene; casually and calmly greeting her with a warm -albeit brief- embrace and a chaste kiss to the lips before turning his attention to the culprits. While some will put up a good fight and try to defend their egos and their masculinity by arguing with him, most attempt to apologize their way out of the mess they created. Stammering and stumbling over their words; frazzled and intimidated and even visibly shaking from the fear of getting their asses handed to them.

She’s even unintentionally wandered into the house while Tyler and Esme have been engrossed in a blow out themselves. Shortly after his release from the hospital; the horrific and constant pain and the frustration of slower than expected healing getting the better of him and causing to snap. Nothing too serious; raised voices and cupboards being slammed and plates and utensils being angrily tossed into the sink. By BOTH parties.

While seeing the actual explosion of his temper is bad enough, it’s the lead up that tends to be the scarier. The darkening of the eyes and the cold, fixed glare. The way his shoulders tense and his jaw clenches. The visible throbbing of the vein his neck; surgically repaired twelve and a half years after a teenager’s bullet that sliced through it and nearly taken his life. And while his height and his powerful build and the myriad of tattoos and scars are intimidating to most that come in contact with him, Tyler is not a threatening person. At least not intentionally. He’s normally quiet and reserved; taking the time to sit back and watch and listen to the people and the activity around him. Thoroughly analyzing and calculating every move they make and the words that come out of their mouths; assessing whether they both pose a threat and if they can be trusted and allowed into his extremely small, tight circle. Once you get to know him, you realize that while he’s a big man, he has an even bigger heart; compassionate and patient and possessing so much love and adoration for his wife and his children. Enormously protective; wanting nothing more for them to be happy and safe. And willing to do anything and everything to keep them that way.

She has never been on THIS side of the fence; the one being targeted by that intense and unwavering gaze. Not once getting on her brother in law’s bad side; enjoying the teasing and light hearted bickering and the backhanded compliments that their relationship has been built upon. Knowing what subjects to never broach and what lines to never -under any circumstances- cross; acknowledging and respecting his triggers and always doing her best to steer clear from them. A mutual respect exists between them; Tyler grateful for the never ending support that Riley provides her sister with, and Riley ever thankful for the world that he’s created for her sister. A man that loves her so profoundly and unconditionally; making her the centre of his universe and putting everything he has and everything he is into giving her a good life. Making her a mother; something she’d wanted for years and had given up hope on when things between her and Mark had gone so wrong. A hands-on father and a partner in every possible way; devoting every spare minute he has to her and his kids and doing whatever he can to make amazing memories for all of them to carry into adulthood. She’s never seen Esme THAT happy; peaceful and content despite all of the issues that have plagued them and the rocky terrain they’ve covered together and the scarier than hell situations they’ve gone through. Somehow making her even stronger than before; resilient and phenomenally patient, yet ferociously protective when need be.

“I told her she needed to tell you,” Riley says, and nervously drums the fingernails on her right hand against the wine glass clutched tightly in her right. “That it had gone on long enough; her keeping that a secret. That you had the right to know and…”

“I had a right to know WHEN it happened,” Tyler interjects. “What I can’t figure out is why no one realized that then. Why you didn’t tell me. Why you kept it a secret.”

“She asked me not to. Said that it was better if you didn’t know. She was worried what it would do to you; putting that kind of extra worry and stress on you when you were already going through your own shit.”

“And you agreed with her?”

“No. I didn’t. I argued against it, actually. Right away I told her that it was a bad idea; keeping that kind of thing from you.”

“But....”

“But when Esme gets something into her head, it’s hard to sway her from it. You know that better than anyone. You don’t easily change her mind when it’s dead set on something. She was convinced it would be bad for you. That hearing something like that could trigger you and bring on an episode and…”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“She was worried, Tyler. About the issues it might cause. And I told her that you were a lot stronger than she was giving you credit for; you were more than capable of taking care of your shit AND hers. But she was adamant to do things her way and I didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was. I didn’t want to make her worse.”

“You should have called me. Right after you got off the phone with her. As soon as she told you how she was feeling, you should have hung and got a hold of me and told me what was going on.”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you. She asked me to help her, and I did. I went over to the house and I stayed with her and the kids. I did everything I could to calm her down and talk her off the edge…”

“That should have been MY job. I should have been the one to do all of that.”

“Well you weren’t exactly around, were you. You were thousands of miles away. On a job. A lot of good you could have done being all the way in Brazil. Instead of home with your family.”

A smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. “Don’t do that. Don’t turn this around on me. What I do for a living and how I provide for my family is none of your business. I’m not the same guy I was when I met your sister. I’m not that deep in it anymore.”

“You run a mercenary business. You may not be the one going out there and putting your ass on the line and killing people, but you’re still sending other guys to do it. Your hands aren’t clean, Tyler. Don’t pretend they are. I don’t care what you do or what you used to do. I don’t care how many lives you’ve taken or HOW you took them. But don’t act like you’re innocent. Not with your track record.”

“This isn’t about me or what I do for a living or what I send other people to do. None of that matters. That’s business. It has no bearing on my personal life. I’m not the same guy when I’m working as I am when I’m at home. When I’m a husband and a father. That’s the only thing you should give a shit about. How I treat your sister. And I love her and I will do anything to protect her.”

“You wouldn’t have to do that if you didn’t do what you do,” Riley counters. “ Do you ever stop and think about that? How you wouldn’t have this fear of something happening to her or someone hurting her if you weren’t who you are?”

“I wouldn’t have met Esme if I wasn’t who I am. You seem to forget that part. That she was in it just as much as I was. That she was working WITH me. She’d been in the game for a while; before she ever met me. So she’s not entirely innocent herself, is she. If she had been, she never would have shown up on my doorstep that day. I never would have laid eyes on her. There’d be no us and there’d be no kids. And your sister and those kids? Best damn things that ever happened to me.”

“I don’t deny that. Same way I don’t deny how much you love her. Or that you’d do anything for her. But she asked me to keep it a secret. She wanted to protect you.”

“And you just went along with it.”

“Against my better judgement, yeah, I did. I didn’t call you because I didn’t need your help. I had it under control. I got her calm and off the ledge and…”

“I should have been the one doing all of that. And if you’d just called me…”

“And what? What would you have done? What could you have possibly said that would have been any better than what came out of my mouth? Look, I understand; I get why you’re pissed. She shouldn’t have lied to you. And I told her that.”

“ You should have never kept that from me. You should have told me what happened. The things that she said. That she was that bad off. That she was going to hurt herself.”

“I don’t think she was going to do it. I think she was anxious and panicking and scared and,...”

“It doesn’t matter if she was going to do it or not!” he argues. “The fact she even said it is bad enough. And you should have told her you weren’t going to lie for her. You should have told her to fuck off when she even brought up this bullshit of wanting to protect me. And you should have called me and told me and I would have come home. Right away.”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you. She asked me to help her and keep it a secret and I did. Because she’s my sister.”

“She’s my wife!” he snarls. “The mother of my children. And I’m sorry if it pisses you off that both those things trump her being your sister. Don’t even compare the two. I’m her husband. I had every goddamn right to know what happened!”

“You did,” Riley admits. “But I’ll hold firm that it wasn’t my place to tell you.”

“My wife tells you that she wants to kill herself and you don’t think it’s your place to tell me that? What if you weren’t around, Riley? What if you didn’t live right next door? Or even in Australia.? What if she hadn’t been able to call you for help?”

“It doesn’t matter. Because I DO live there.”

“It fucking matters to me. What if she’d tried to call you and couldn’t get a hold of you? What then? What if she had decided to go through with it? You know what have happened? One of my kids would have found her. They would have wondered why mummy wasn’t up in the morning to make them breakfast and get them off to school. And they would have gone in there and found her. Dead. Kids, Riley. MY kids.”

“I never thought of that. I never…”

“Do you know what that would have done to them? Finding their mother like that? Do you know how bad that would have fucked them up for the rest of their life? If they’d seen that?”

Struggling to hold back a flood of tears, she takes a swallow of wine in an attempt to wash away the lump of emotion threatening to choke her. “I just never considered all of that.”

“I know what it’s like to lose your mother. At a really young age. It screwed me up. And it continues to screw me up; everything that came after it and all the bullshit I went through because of my father. And the way I lost her? That was bad enough. But it would have been nowhere like how my kids would have lost their mother.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I never…”

“I had a right to know. As soon as she told you how she felt and what was going through her head? You should have called me. I would have been on the next plane home. There is nothing in this world that is more important than her. Nothing.”

“I know that. I know how you feel about her. I see it every time you look at her. The way you smile at her and always find little ways to touch her. The way you watch her when she talks. I’ve always seen that. And you’re right; I should have called you. But my main concern was taking care of her. Making sure SHE was okay. I did what she asked.”

“What stopped you from telling me after you got her settled? Once you realized she was going to be okay. What stopped you from calling me? Some stupid fucking promise you made to her?”

“It wasn’t a stupid fucking promise. She was trying to protect you. She didn’t want to put it on you. Didn’t want to take the risk of it causing you issues. And I have to say, I agreed with her. To an extent.”

“I’m not some fragile fucking piece of china you have to coddle and keep away from everyone. I’m a grown ass man. And I may be messed up and have mountains of shit I deal with every day, but I am more than capable of taking care of your sister. Of my wife.”

“I know. I know you are. And I’m sorry that it came out this way. That she waited this long to tell you. I’m sorry that…”

“Don’t.” Tyler holds up a hand to silence her.. “Don’t do that. Don’t put all the blame on her. I get where she’s coming from; she’s neurotic and she worries about me and she’s got it in her head that she needs to protect me the same way I do her. Doesn’t matter how many times I tell her I don’t need it or that I don’t want her doing it; she’s going to go ahead with it anyway. But you? Going along with that? When you know what she means to me? How can you stand here and defend this? Act like it’s no big deal that you kept this from me? What the fuck, Riley?”

“I said I was sorry. That you had to find out this way. That it took this long. What more do you want from me?”

“How about admitting you fucked up? That you never should have gone along with it. That you should have called me. How about admitting all THAT?”

“Let’s get something straight, Tyler. You’re not my boss. I’m not one of your ‘guys’. You don’t dictate how I do things. You don’t question my decisions. You don’t chastise me for ‘bad behaviour’. I love you. I think you’re a great guy. In the same way I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Me-Me. I think you’re an amazing husband and an even better father. But you’re my brother in law. That’s it. I have no ties to you other than through my sister and my nieces and nephews. My loyalty lies with Esme. First and foremost. And I’m sorry that you think this is some horrible betrayal. I did what my sister asked. That’s it.”

“What you did was wrong. And you fucking know it. We aren’t just talking about some girl, Riley. We’re talking about my wife. The mother of my children. My SEVEN children. The woman that I love more than anything in this world. Who I love more than I ever thought I could love another human being. Who saved my life. And if you can’t understand why you should have told me…”

A knock comes to the door, followed by the rattling of the handle .“Dad?” TJ’s voice from the other side. “Can I come in?”

“Not right now, mate. Auntie Riley and I are talking about some stuff. That little ears don’t need to hear.”

“Mum wanted me to check on you. To make sure you were alright. You’ve been a little...off...for a few days.”

“Tell your mum I’m okay. That there’s nothing for her to worry about.”

“Yeah...right…” TJ scoffs. “This is mum we’re talking about. She worries no matter what. You think you’d be used to it by now. You’ve only been married to her for like a hundred years.”

“Twelve,” he informs his son. “In October. Feels like it’s been a hundred years some days.”

“I won’t tell her you said that. I know how much you hate sleeping on the couch. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Everything’s fine, Teej. I’ll be out in a few minutes. Go and get washed up for dinner, okay? Make sure your brothers and sisters do too. Food will be here soon.”

“You’re sure you’re okay?”

“You’re gettin’ as bad as your mum. I’m fine. Everything’s good. Go and do as I said. Tell mum I won’t be much longer.”

“Alright,” TJ reluctantly agrees, and Tyler waits until he hears him walk away; heavy, stomping footsteps across the kitchen floor as he shouts the information from one end of the house to the other.

“We’re going to have to agree to disagree when it comes to this,” Riley says, and downs the remains of her wine. “I’m sorry that I didn’t call you. That my main priority was my sister and not calling you.”

“For the last time, your sister is my wife. And my main priority is her. Twelve and half years. That’s how long I’ve been with her. That’s how long I’ve been going through hell and back with her. FOR her. You don’t even know the half of what we’ve been through together. The crap that we’ve dealt with. I’m the one that’s been there; by her side through every fucking shitty thing that’s been thrown us. I’m the one that’s gotten her through a lot of hard times. The one that’s talked her down and kept her calm. Who’s been stepping up and being there for her no matter what I’m going through. So don’t you stand here and tell me that I couldn’t have done a better job than you when it comes to taking care of MY wife .”

“I could have been there for her too, you know. And I would have been had you NOT moved her all the way to the other side of the goddamn world.”

“You know who you sound like right now? When you say that? I’ll give you three guesses but you’re only going to need one.”

Riley scowls. “Don’t you even go there. I am nothing like her. I’m the one that accepted you into the family. I’m the one that saw how good you were with her. FOR her. I’ve always been on your side, Tyler. Even when everyone else was against you and I ended up getting alienated for it. Kicked out of my own family because I always defended you. Because Esme was happy and in love with you and I could tell you felt the same way about her.”

“So you were on my side. So what? You want some kind of award for it? A fucking cookie? You were a kid, Riley. You weren’t even a senior in high school when we moved to Colorado. You had no clue what happened. Why we had to leave Australia, how we were broke as fuck and ended up living in your folks’ basement. It broke your sister’s heart to leave. We didn’t have much, but we were happy there. Happier than either of us had been in a long time. She had someone that loved her and a beautiful baby girl and she didn’t want much more than that.”

“You’re right. I don’t know the details. I don’t know the reason you guys came back. I WAS a kid. And totally absorbed in my own world. But it didn’t mean that I didn’t care about my sister. Or miss her. That I wasn’t glad she was back.”

“She never wanted to go back to Colorado. That was all me. All my idea. And she went along with it and she tried to make the best of it and it nearly fucking destroyed us. You have no clue how bad things got. The issues that being there caused. How close we came to ending everything. All she ever wanted was to be back in Australia. She would cry about it at night; tell me that she wasn’t happy and that she was worried being back in the States was going to destroy us. And it came close. So fucking close.”

“I didn’t know that. I know that you had some problems. That you started drinking again and got back into the job and the pills and…”

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know. That we’ve kept back. From everyone connected to her family. I didn’t just move your sister to the other side of the world. I gave her what she wanted. I busted my ass to make it happen; to get her back there. To get her home. Because that’s where she wanted to be. So don’t fucking pretend you know what we went through and don’t ever accuse me of taking her away from you. Because that’s not what happened. That’s just what you’ve been told.”

“It is,” she admits. “That’s exactly what I was told. I mean, I knew most of it wasn’t true. I knew you weren’t controlling or abusive and that you didn’t force her to go back. I knew you weren’t that kind of guy. But I WAS a kid. And still stupid enough to believe most of the bullshit that was being fed to me.”

“When I say there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for your sister, I mean it. They aren’t just empty words. I’m not just saying it to hear myself talk or to make her feel better. I say it because it’s one hundred percent true. And had you called me, I would have been on the first flight home. I would have said ‘fuck the job’ and got on the next plane out of there. So I could help my wife.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I SHOULD have called you. But I was so worried about her and I thought what I was doing was right for her.”

“You played a really dangerous game with my wife’s life. Do you realize that? How badly it all could have backfired on you? How one little thing could have set her off? If you’d just called me, I could have talked her down. I could have gotten her off that ledge. A lot easier and a lot quicker than you did.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t…”

“I DO know that. Because I’m the one that she needed. I’ve always been the one she’s needed. And that’s not just going to stop. Not until I’m dead and buried and I can’t do it anymore. What she wanted at that time and what was best for her, were two totally different things. And the fact you didn’t realize that? That you played this fucking game with her life?”

“That’s not what I was trying to do. At all. I thought I was doing what was best for Esme. That’s what we both want, right? To do what’s best for her?”

“That wasn’t what was best for her. That was possibly the WORST thing for her. I know she’s your sister, but I’ve shared a life with her for more than a decade now. I think I know her a hell of a lot better than you do.”

“Of course you do. What the two of you have? That love? That bond? That’s way more than she’s ever had before. With anyone.”

“Don’t ever play a game like that again, Not when it comes to Esme. You have no idea what it would do to me to lose her. What it would do to my kids. HER kids. So don’t you ever again underestimate my ability to take care of my wife. Don’t you EVER get in between me and her again.”

Riley approaches him; slowly and cautiously, palms raised in both surrender and a plea for calm. “That is NOT what I meant to do. I would NEVER do that. I wasn’t trying to cause issues between the two of you. I was trying to help her. That’s it.”

“Well you almost made an even bigger mess, so…” his words trails off and he takes a step back when she attempts to embrace him. “...don’t do that. Don’t touch me. We’re not back at that point. We won’t be for a while. I’m not the kind of guy that just hugs it out, you know?”

“I’m trying here, Tyler. I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. For the lie to get as far as it did. I told her to tell you. I told her…”

“Oh my god…” he chuckles and shakes his head incredulously. “...you just don’t get it. You either didn’t listen to a goddamn word I said or you don’t give a fuck. You never should have went along with it. It’s as simple as that. You should have called me. So I could take care of my wife. But you didn’t. You fucked up. You caused all of this. Don’t put all the blame on her. I won’t let you do that.”

“Can we at least agree that we both want what’s best for her? That even if we DO make mistakes, all that we really want is what’s best for Esme?”

“I think that’s one thing we CAN agree on.”

“And can we go out there and at least pretend to be friends? I don’t want to make things worse on her. You know she’s struggling. That she’s having a really hard time right now. Can we at least do our best to not make things harder for her?”

“Yeah…” he nods. “...I can do that.”

“I really am sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t think things through better. But I really did think I was handling it fine. That I was doing what was best for her. For my sister.”

“I know what’s best for her. For my wife. Even more than she does. So I appreciate your help, but I think you need to step back and realize that you don’t know shit. Not when it comes to this kind of thing. Next time...and I hope to hell there isn’t a next time...you call me. Regardless of what she says.”

“I will,” she promises. “I definitely will.”

“This ends here. What we talked about, the things that were said. She doesn’t need to know. It’s better if she doesn’t. If she asks, we had a heated discussion and disagreed on a lot but we got through it. What really happened doesn’t go further from this room. Understand me?”

Riley nods.

“Don’t you ever question my loyalty or my ability to take care of my wife,” he warns, then turns on his heel and heads for the door.

*****

It’s shortly after midnight when she hears his footfalls on the stairs. The sound familiar and comforting; the slight drag of the right leg, the soft creaks as wood shifts and flexes under his weight. Three hours ago he’d gone upstairs to tend to the kids’ bedtime routines; keeping the older yet easily distracted ones on track, giving the littlest their baths and combing out the girls’ hair and helping them into their pyjamas. Since her confession earlier in the day, he’s been even more hands on and attentive than usual. Practically glued to her side and quick with the affection; spontaneous hugs or arms wrapped tightly around her from behind, gentle fingers combing through her hair and tucking it behind her ears, kisses pressed to her forehead or temple or corners of her mouth. Insisting on either helping her with things around the house or refusing to do anything at all; ordering to sit back and relax and let him and the kids take care of her for a change.

While it had been both welcome and appreciated, she’d also been well aware that he’d been overcompensating. Her admittance to thoughts of self harm and suicide not doubt a kick to the gut; opening his eyes to just to the depths and the extent of her own issues, and feeding into his number one fears. It’s always been his worst nightmare; losing her unexpectedly and to something he could have controlled, or at least prevented. Illness and an accident on the road are horrific in their own way; a disease that eats away at her and eventually kills her, or something that suddenly and unexpectedly occurs and snatches her out of his life. But to lose her to something he could have stepped in and stopped is completely unacceptable in his eyes. An assailant he could have fought off or at least prevented from getting closer to her. An action by her own hand would be something he’d never considered. In twelve and a half years she’s never spoken of harming herself; the one who’d had to stop him from taking his own life.

It had definitely blindsided him; how close he’d come to losing her and never even realizing there’d ever been the potential of it. And not being told sooner had devastated him. She’d seen the pain in his eyes; the hurt and the anger and the feeling of betrayal. He’s always stepped up and taken care of her regardless of his own issues and suffering; pushing everything aside to focus solely on her and what she needs.

Her not relying on him in the moment had done more damage than actually carrying on the lie. HE should have been the one she called. Confident he would have been able to calm her down and talk her off the ledge; giving him the time to get home and concentrate on her problems and her needs. And he would have done it; abandoned the job in favour of returning to Australia and focusing solely on her. But she hadn’t been in her right frame of mind; immediately believed that she had to protect HIM.

She definitely regrets THAT decision. And for keeping it a secret as long as she did.

“Hey,” she greets, looking up from the tablet resting on her thighs as he reaches the bottom landing. Clad in a pair of shorts made from cut up sweats and an old and tattered muscle shirt; the fabric littered with messes composed of dried paint, tiny hand prints infused with glitter, and stains made by various baby ‘accidents’ over the years. Hair messy and sticking up in several different directions; a pout curving his lips and the heels of his palms pressing into his weary eyes.

Twelve and half years later and he still brings about so many emotions and reactions. From lust to adoration to love and even melting because of moments of sheer adorableness; this big -and often intimidating- heavily tattooed man that possesses the strength and know how to kill with his bare hands often so cute and pure that her heart -and her hormones- can barely handle it.

“Hey,” Tyler says in return, pausing to lock the front door and set the alarm before switching off the foyer light and padding into the living room. “You’re awake.”

“I was going to say the same thing to you. You’ve been up there for a hell of a long time. I wasn’t sure if you’d crashed hard or been abducted by aliens. Or if you were just avoiding me. Like the plague.”

“Well I’m happy to report that no aliens showed up and anally probed me.”

“Your worst nightmare,” she grins. “Anyone getting anywhere near your ass.”

“I let you near my ass.”

“Let me rephrase it. Anyone exploring your ass with more than a finger.”

“First off, you’re disturbing. Second, I had three little ones fall asleep on me. Before that, one story turned into two, two turned into three, three turned into a dozen. Can you maybe burn all the copies of Goodnight Moon? Can they mysteriously disappear? Because I have been reading that damn thing almost every night for almost twelve years. What’s left of my sanity can’t take it anymore.”

“You know, instead of resorting to burning books, you could always say no to your children.”

"Yeah, not gonna happen.” He drops down heavily beside her. “I did crash, by the way. In Addie’s bed. I just woke up about ten minutes ago. She kicked me right in the nuts. Good thing you don’t want anymore kids.”

“There’s something so cute about that.”

He frowns. “About her kicking me in the balls?”

“No. About you falling asleep there. This big, burly guy with all his tattoos and scars totally crashed in a frilly canopy bed fit for a princess. I would have LOVED a picture of that.”

“Sorry to disappoint. None exist. You don’t get a chance to publicly humiliate me on social media. Not on this night, anyway.” Sighing, he pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger, then stretches out his legs and places his bare feet on the coffee table. “And why would I have been avoiding you? What would be the reason for that?”

“Well I did fuck up. HUGE. And I did hurt your feelings. And offend you. All at once.”

“We talked about it. We said shit we needed to say. It’s done. Over with. Let’s keep it that way, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she agrees, and slides closer to him on the couch; tucking her feet under her body as she snuggles into his side. “Let’s.”

Wrapping an arm around her petite frame, he drops a kiss on the top of her head. “What are you doing?”

“Looking up ideas for the backyard.” She holds the tablet up for him to see; an image of a tiny cottage made of distressed white wood and boasting a shingled roof and a sunlight and pink shutters on the windows. “We finally have the opportunity to totally concentrate on it. All the renos out of the way, all the garages and the granny flat are built, the pool house has been redone. Now we can work on other things. What do you think? It’s a she shed. I would LOVE a she shed.”

“That’s what they’re actually called? I’ve been calling them bitch barns.”

“You would,” she frowns, and he chuckles when she digs an elbow into his ribs. “Think you could build it?”

“Shouldn’t be hard. I’ve built a lot more complicated. And if you really DO want one, I’ll get on it. Soon as we get home.”

“I really do. Want one.”

“Then a bitch barn you shall have.”

She scowls.

“She shed,” he quickly corrects. “A SHE SHED you shall have.”

“And I was thinking a fire bowl. For the corner of the first floor deck. Closest to the pool. One of those propane ones. With the coloured glass stones. We could build a seating area around it, maybe get another swing to hang near it.”

“Whatever you want to do, we’ll do it. Just buy what you need or give me a list and I’ll take care of it. You know I really don’t care about this kind of stuff. I mean, it’s not that I don’t. It’s just that I trust you and you always pick out nice shit and it always looks great when it’s done.”

“You really ARE the best husband on earth,” Esme declares, and presses a kiss to the side of his neck; lips covering the scar long ago left behind by Farhad’s bullet and the surgery to repair the vein.

Smiling, he gives her hip a gentle squeeze and then runs her palm over her ribs and up onto her arm. Tightly clasping her shoulder as he presses a kiss to her forehead. “I try. All I wanna do is make my girl happy. And if what makes her happy is making the house look nice and wanting it to be beautiful and comfortable for all of us, then I’ll do whatever she needs me to do to make that all happen.”

“You DO trust me,” she chides, and leans forward to set the tablet on the coffee table before once more snuggling into him; arms circling his waist and her head resting on his chest. “How do you know I’m not going to buy stuff you’ll hate? That I’m not going to go crazy with the pastels? Or pink? Addie would LOVE that. We do share a favourite color, after all.”

“First of all, I know how much you love colour. The brighter the better. Second, you’d never do that; just buy stuff that you’ll like. You’ve NEVER done it. Not once in the past twelve and a half years. If you know I’ll hate, you won’t do it. That’s just not how you work.”

“Damn it,” she grumbles, and playfully pinches the sensitive area below his right ribcage. “That’s what I get for being so predictable.”

“It’s not that you’re predictable. It’s just that I know you. Very well. Better than you know yourself sometimes. Isn’t that kind of our ‘thing?’. Knowing one another better than we know ourselves?”

“Been our thing since almost day one. It’s kind of weird, don’t you think? As screwed up and as damaged as we were, we just...I don’t know...took to each other.”

“Is that before or after I tried to choke you out?” he chides.

“It was almost like we’d known each other for years. We knew what the other was thinking, we could express things to one another without even using words. We trusted each other. And it’s not like trust came easily to either of us. But for some reason, we knew we could. We had faith in one another.”

“My instincts told me you were good people. That I COULD trust you. And what do you always say? About how good my instincts are?”

“You have incredible instincts. They’ve never lied to you. At least not as long as I’ve known you. I have to say…” she grins up at him “...I’m quite happy that they thought I was good people.”

“It’s pretty safe to say I’m happy about that too.” Giving her shoulder another squeeze, Tyler slides his arm further up and wraps it around her neck, pulling her flush against him as he kisses her. Nothing urgent nor intense; fingertips and the pad of his thumb repeatedly grazing along her jaw as his lips move slowly and sinuously against hers. Her eyes still closed when he pulls away; the bridge of her nose wrinkling when he presses a kiss to the tip of it. “I feel like ice cream,” he announces. “Want some ice cream?”

“Hmmm…” She tilts her head to the side, crinkles on the bridge of nose deepening as she considers it. “...cheese toast.”

“And ice cream?”

“Why not? You only live once. Do you think we could have sex afterwards? My cramps went away and my period isn’t due for two weeks, so…”

“We can have sex first and then cheese toast and ice cream?”

She frowns. “Naww. Cheese toast first.”

“Are you telling me you’re picking cheese toast over having sex with your husband? Do you realize how hurtful that is? How offended I am?”

“I’m sorry! You know there’s anything in this world that’s better than sex with you. Nothing. But I’m hungry. And...well...this is cheese toast we’re talking about. You know how much I love cheese toast.”

“You claim to love ME, but I dunno…”

Her fingers fidget with loose strands of thread on the neckline of his tank. “Don’t be like that. You damn well know that I love you. Don’t want me at full strength? You don’t want me running on an empty tank do you? Because then I’ll get tired easily and I won’t be at my best and…”

“Won’t bother me. Your best is only at a B plus.”

“B plus! You asshole!” She aggressively ruffles his hair, then laughs when he curls an arm around her waist and dumps her onto her back. “You’re mean,” she dramatically pouts, as he places a foot on the floor and a knee on the couch beside her; palms above her head and pressed flat against the cushion as he looms over her.

“The meanest. But you know what?” He places a small peck on each corner of her mouth, then her lips. “I will still make you your goddamn cheese toast.”

“I knew you loved me,” she says, and then curls two fingers around the chain that dangles around his neck and pulls him into a kiss. Long and deep and intense; legs wrapping around his waist and her ankles locking together at the small of his back.

He grins down at her. “So is this a yes to having sex BEFORE cheese toast and ice cream?”

“It’s a promise to have sex with you AFTER cheese toast and ice cream.”

“Don't do me any favours,” he grumbles playfully, kissing her a final time before reaching around to pry her ankles apart. “You know….” he grimaces at the stiffness in the small of his back as he stands. “...you’re damn lucky you’re so cute. That I love you as much as I do.”

“Yes. Yes I am,” she agrees, and slides off the couch and follows him through the living and dining rooms and into the kitchen. Lending a hand by gathering bowls and spoons from the drainboard next to the sink; carrying them to the island and then perching on the edge of one of the barstools. “They’re all asleep? All the beasts?”

“Every last one. Even Millie and Alannah crashed earlier than usual. That’s a nice change; none of their bloody laughing and raiding the fridge and waking me up at three am.”

“We’re going to have to think about where she is going to go when we get back home. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep those two in the same room. I would like to have some semblance of sleep. All the square footage we added and all the rooms we made, and suddenly there is no room at the inn.”

“Could always clean out the garage and make another bedroom in there. It’s only going to be temporary, yeah? She’s not staying with us forever. I hope. I love the kid, but…”

“What about the granny flat? We added one above the new gym but it hasn’t been used yet. Could put her in there.”

“She’s eleven. We are NOT giving an eleven year old her own apartment.”

“What about the den? Downstairs. It WAS a guest room at one point in time. That’s where you stayed. After Dhaka Part Two.”

“I kind of already told Tanner he could use that for his science experiments.” He gives her a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

“We could always put Brookie in with Addie. I’d say the other way around, but Addie will not give up her princess room. For ANYONE. I don’t even want to attempt trying to convince her to. Brookie won’t give a shit. She’s not attached to things like Addie is. She’d sleep out on the hammock every night if we let her.”

“She’d also do anything for Addie. She told me that Peanut’s her best friend. That that’s why she even agreed to tag along to the American Girl thing. Because Addie is her bestie and she asked Brookie to go with her.”

“One upside to having them close together. Friends for life. Unless one of them turns into a total dick head and completely ruins things.”

“I highly doubt either of our girls are going to turn into ‘he who shall not be named’. Things were always toxic when you were growing up. Our kids aren’t in that same kind of environment. We’re making damn sure of it. We aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but…”

“But we aren’t totally fucking up our children. We’re actually giving them a good home. A healthy one. Which is kind of surprising considering most behaviour is learned and neither of us grew up with the healthiest of parent child relationships.”

“We just went the opposite way. Instead of turning out like what we knew, we made sure we didn’t.”

“A lot of people aren’t that lucky, you know. A lot fall into the same patterns. Repeat the same mistakes.”

“Well we aren’t a lot of people, are we. I think we’ve shown that a time or two.”

“Do you remember what Gaspar said? About how two broken people can’t come together and make a whole?”

Tyler frowns. “I try NOT to remember anything he said.”

“He said that they’d only make things worse. Make EACH OTHER worse. I like to think he was wrong.”

“He was wrong about a lot of things. Not just that. Take it from the source, babe. Don’t take anything he said to heart.”

“He seemed a little too invested in what was going on between us. What was it to him? What did it matter whether we were hooking up or not?”

“He was just worried I’d get distracted. That I’d let my feelings take over and forget everything else.”

“More like he was worried your dick would run the show. Not your head. And that would be dangerous.”

“Something like that.”

Popping two pieces of bread into the toaster, he pushes down the level and then turns his back towards it; facing his wife as he leans back against the counter. He’ll never tell her the whole truth; Gaspar attempting to convince him that she was simply using him as a way out of Dhaka. That ‘putting out’, showering a profoundly damaged and lonely man with affection and want, and promising an attempt at a future would guarantee her his full attention ; that he’d stop at nothing to make sure she survived the ordeal. Even before Gaspar had shown all his cards and brought up the ten million dollar deal, Tyler hadn’t believed a word of what he was saying. He hadn’t been in that cramped and squalid hotel room. He didn’t hear the deep and intense conversations that lasted well into the wee hours of the morning; the confessions made and the fears talked about and the tears shed. It hadn’t been just sex. A connection had been made and a foundation laid down. Wrong place, wrong time. Perhaps a little too quick by society’s standards. But it had been nothing like Tyler had ever experienced. And he’d felt no need to either explain that to Gaspar, or defend it.

“Did he say anything to you? About me?”

“Other than he thought I was thinking with the wrong head? No. Not a damn thing.”

“Just the offer.”

Tyler nods.

“He didn’t say anything about me? Even leading up to that? Seems weird. That he’d just bring the offer up out of nowhere.”

“What does it matter? It’s almost thirteen years ago. Why are we even talking about it? About HIM? None of that should matter anymore.

“Just some things made me think about it. Shit that he said to me. When he cornered me in the upstairs. I don’t know what brought it up. Sometimes it happens; it hits me out of nowhere. But you’re right…” She sighs heavily and manages a smile. “...it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I know it makes you a little testy. Even now. What he did.”

“He’s dead. That’s what he deserved. Makes no sense to go back and dig him up.”

“It doesn’t,” she agrees, and then thankfully changes the subject. “You know, I really need to get my shit together. We go back home in five days and I have done nothing to prepare for it. I’m usually so far ahead of the game by now. Do you realize how much has to be packed away? Things I need to box up and have shipped because we won’t be able to take everything on the plane?”

“Do you realize you’re not the only adult in the house and there’s someone fully prepared to help out? WE have a lot to do. Not just you. We’ll start today.”

“You have your little shopping trip with Desi today,” she reminds him. “No way are you skipping out on that. He’s been going on and on about it for DAYS. He will legit ugly cry if you bail on him.”

“Then we start when I get back. Doubt I’ll be gone that long. You’ve gone shopping with me. In and out in half an hour.”

“You are in for a rude awakening. Going shopping with Desi is a whole other experience in itself. That man LOVES his fashion and his bling and he doesn’t go home until he’s exhausted every square inch of his favourite stores. Takes him half an hour just to decide what side of the store to start on first.”

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”

“He wants to play dress up with you. Use you as his little doll. He sees the potential. He’s going to get you into some three thousand dollar suits and some skinny jeans and…”

“It’ll be a cold day in hell when I wear skinny jeans. What is wrong with the way I dress?”

“Nothing. I don’t care what you wear. You look good in whatever you put on. That being said, I prefer when you’re taking your clothes OFF…”

“I don’t want to be his little plaything. His science experiment. Why can’t I just be who I am? Why do I have to change? As long as you’re not complaining…”

“Like I said, I don’t care what you wear. You always look good. But Desi wants to do this with you. He wants to dress you up and make you look good. Fashionable. He wants to see you in some Huge Boss and some Gucci and some Tom Ford.”

“I’m more comfortable in shit from Target.”

“Just humour him. He’s got amazing fashion sense. It won’t hurt to have a few of Desi’s staples and favourites in your closet. And personally? I’d kill to see you in a pair of skinny jeans. They’d make your ass look incredible. Or even more incredible than it already is. Not to mention you’ve got those crazy, long ass legs.”

“Why don’t you just cut to the chase and say you want me to buy a pair? Because if you want me to…”

“Nope. Has to be your decision. I’m not telling you what to do. But I will say the thought of you in skinny jeans? Totally makes me hot for you. Hotter than you usually make me, And that’s pretty damn hot.”

He stares at her pointedly, then returns to spreading thick layers of Cheese Whiz on two pieces of toast.

“Just saying. They would. Did I not go out and buy TWO sexy outfits for you? To wear on New Year's Eve? Not just one, babe. TWO. And believe me, they are way out of my comfort zone. But it’s what you wanted so I went and found ones I thought you’d find incredibly hot. And just might make you self combust in record time.”

“I’m not supposed to do that until AFTER I get you out of the outfits.”

“You said sexy, so I got sexy. And think about it. Think about how hot you make me on a regular basis. Extremely hot, right? So if I say you in skinny jeans would make me even MORE hot…”

“So if I put them on whenever I want sex, I’ll immediately get it?”

Esme nods. “More than likely.”

“And if I want to add to my mile high club points, I just need to wear them on the plane?”

“If your children aren’t there, yup.”

“Fine.” He sets the plate of toast down in front of her. “I’ll get the damn skinny jeans. But I don’t ever want to hear you say I never do anything nice for you.”

“I never say that to begin with, so…” she tilts her face up towards him, hand on his hip as he leans down to peck her lips.

She never tires of it. The random embraces; wrapping his arms around her from behind while she stands at the stove or the washing machine or while standing in front of the bathroom sink brushing her teeth. Curling an arm around her waist and pulling her tightly into his side during their walks on the beach or always taking her hand while strolling through town. The little unexpected kisses; placed up on her temples or cheeks or the corners of her mouth or dropped onto the top of her head. Even at the dinner table or while sitting on the couch he always finds a way to maintain physical contact; sides of thighs touching or a foot resting against hers, shoulders or elbows lightly pressed together. It had taken years for him to open up to both accepting and giving affection; a childhood wracked with horrendous abuse and no love shown, a first marriage whose novelty had worn off quick and gone cold and stale, years building up walls around his heart to avoid connecting with anyone and therefore preventing the brutal sting of loss.

Out of nowhere it had all come together, and the change in him was like night and day. He didn’t initially stiffen up when embraced and became quick with the touches and the hugs and the kisses. Suddenly comfortable with both verbal and physical expressions of adoration and love. Now she cherishes every single moment of it. Knowing how far he’s come and how hard he’s had to work; so willing to sacrifice personal comfort to be the kind of man he felt she wanted, needed, AND deserved.

“You’re kinda cute, you know that,” she comments, biting into a slice of toast as she watches him; the way the muscles in his arms bulge and twist with even the simple task of scooping ice cream. It never gets old. Seeing the way his body moves and how it feels under her fingertips; hard muscle and smooth skin that boosts a handful of scars of various shapes and sizes.

He casts a grin over his shoulder. “Just kinda?”

“Very cute,” she declares. “And hot. And sexy. And oh so fuckable.”

“All those things rolled into one, huh?”

“You’re quite the catch,” she says, leaning back against him when he stands behind her stool; tilting her head back and smiling up at him as he reaches past her body to set the bowls on the counter. “I lucked out. I knew you had potential. The day I met you in your little shack. I knew a good thing when I saw it.”

“I was half in the bag and feeling pretty damn good from Oxy. Hardly a good thing.”

“Please, you looked so freaking hot. With that shirt tight around your arms and your kick ass haircut and your blue eyes and your nice butt. You know what was REALLY sexy? When your hair would fall across your forehead. That did funny things to my insides.”

“Just back then or…?”

“Still does it to me even now.” She reaches up to push the wayward tresses off her forehead, smiling when he presses a line of kisses down the bridge of her nose. “And I don’t care what you say. You ARE cute. We’re going to forever agree to disagree on this one, But I did, you know. See the potential in you.”

“Let me guess. It was all in my eyes?”

“And your smile. The way you smiled at me was...I don’t know...different. Than the way anyone else ever smiled at me.”

He sidles up beside her, snagging one of the spoons and digging into his ice cream. “Something tells me you’ve had a lot of guys smile at you.”

“Not a lot. A few. But none of them have ever smiled at me the way you do.”

“That’s because they don’t love you. I do.”

“You didn’t love me when you first smiled at me. It was still a different kind of smile.”

“That was a ‘damn she’s cute, I wouldn’t mind banging her’ smile.”

She gives a derisive snort.

“What? You WERE cute. In those little shorts and that tank top and your piercings and your ink. I was impressed. And for the record, I DID want to bang you. Right away. You were fresh meat.”

“Oh my god,” she rolls her eyes and tears a piece of toast off with her teeth.

“You were. I’d never seen you before. You just showed up on my doorstep. Like this little present being delivered just for me. And I hadn’t sex in four months, so….”

“Poor baby. My heart bleeds for you.”

“You were a new face, had a wicked little body on you, a tongue ring. Is it any wonder why I wanted to rail you?”

“That’s all I was to you. Fresh meat. A new piece of ass.”

“At first. But then I got to know you and everything changed. Very quickly, I might add.”

“It was rather quick,” Esme admits. “Do you ever regret it? How quickly it DID happen?”

“What guy in their right mind is going to regret banging you?”

“I don’t mean the sex. I mean everything else. The whole quiet stuff afterwards. The cuddling and…”

“Okay, let’s get one thing straight. You cuddled up to me.”

“Tyler, give it a rest. It’s been twelve and a half years. I’ve known for a long time that you actually enjoy cuddling. And you’re a master at it. You enjoyed it that first night. You hung back a bit, but you gave in pretty quick.”

“I don’t know…” he shrugs, and a slight blush creeps into his cheeks and the tips of ears. “...I was comfortable with you. It felt...nice.”

“Are you blushing? You are! Baby…” she stands on the bottom rung of the stool and presses a kiss to his temple. “...you’re so freaking adorable.”

He frowns, gently using his elbow to push her away. “Stop it.”

“Blushing. With your wife. Who you’ve known for more than a decade. Who is the last person you should get embarrassed in front of.”

“Esme…”

“Why would you be embarrassed? Tae…” she nuzzles his cheek with the tip of her nose, then sits back down on the stool. “...God I love you.”

“I don’t like talking about this stuff. The...I don’t know...emotional stuff. I can talk about sex all day, every day. But THAT? The other stuff that went down between us?”

“That other stuff was amazing and beautiful. And totally not what I expected from you. That’s what made it so great. This big, muscly, tattooed and scarred up mercenary being so cuddly and spilling his guts and crying to me and…”

“Oh fuck…” he groans. “....can we not do this? Talk about this stuff? Please?”

“I’m just saying that the after stuff? That was pretty amazing too. And you don’t need to be embarrassed about it. I mean, you ended up marrying the person you did all that stuff with. You’ve had kids with her. Seven of them. You don’t have to be embarrassed about that stuff. About anything, actually.”

“It’s just not who I am. Even now. I don’t talk about that stuff. I’m not comfortable with it.”

“Even with me?”

“It’s nothing to do with you. I just get..I don’t know...weirded out. I liked it, alright. Being like that with you. It had been a long time since I’d done anything even remotely like that. And it felt good. It felt right. YOU felt right.”

“Strange, huh? Totally wrong place, totally wrong time. But it felt so good.”

“It did,” he agrees, and presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth.. “And I don’t regret a damn thing about it. About you. About us.”

Smiling, she curls an arm around his waist and leans into him; hand repeatedly stroking his lower back as she takes turns delving into her ice cream and enjoying the cheese toast. The silence between them has never been awkward; neither ever feeling the need to fill the minutes with mindless chit chat. It’s companionable and it’s relaxing; the close proximity of their bodies and their familiar smells is its own form of intimacy. It’s the comfortableness that exists between two people that have seen each other at every stage of their lives. The lowest of the lowest and the highest of the highs . Grieving AND celebrating. Bloodied, battered and broken and in near perfect health. Who’ve experienced the miracle of birth and the devastation of loss. Who had seen each other at their very worst right at the start, yet still chose one another. And STILL keep choosing each other. Every day. Regardless of the pain and obstacles thrown in their direction.

*****

“It’s weird that Riley and Sheana left so soon after dinner,” Esme breaks the silence, pushing her empty plate away; using the spoon to swirl now melting ice cream around in the bowl. “I thought they’d stay longer. They usually do.”

“Probably just tired. It’s a long flight. Sometimes we handle it well, other times we feel like complete and utter shit for a couple days.”

“Is it wrong that I’m glad they decided to stay at a hotel this time? I love my sister. And Shaena. Dearly. But I can not handle any more extra people in this house. Not when we’ve got so much to do and Ovi’s wedding is right around the corner. House guests are the last thing I need to be dealing with.”

“I was thinking I’m more glad they chose the hotel because I didn’t want to hear them getting busy. Weird, considering the kind of porn I used to watch. When I was single and having to tend to my own business all the time.”

“Oh please. You probably had all kinds of Sheilas on speed dial. And USED to watch? You STILL watch that stuff.”

“I’ll have you know, that I haven’t watched any that doesn’t involve me and you….or just you...in years. Why do I need to? I’m married to a goddess. Why watch fake shit when I watch the real stuff? It’s got the most beautiful girl in the world in it. The woman I love. What’s hotter than that?”

‘“You have issues, you know that?”

“If my issue is that I love and lust you, then yeah. I guess I do. I DO have issues. And trust me, babe. Those videos? Fucking amazing. Gets the job done. In record time.”

“Oh God,” Esme groans. “I do NOT need to hear this.”

He leans into her, playfully nudging her with his elbow. “Do you want to watch them with me? Tonight? Get you in the mood?”

“You think that’s what it takes for me to get in the mood?”

“No. I know it doesn’t take much for me to get you there. It would just be really hot. Watching them with you. Do something nice for me.”

“I do plenty of nice things for you. Who went from once a year butt stuff to near daily?”

“But you like that though. That’s why you give it up more. Just watch it with me. Just one of them. And then we’ll make another one. On New Year's Eve.”

Sighing heavily, she shakes her head. “Remind me again why I married you?”

“Because I dick you down like no one else ever has. And because of my eyes. And my butt. Probably my voice too.”

“The whole trifecta. Eyes, butt, voice.”

“And because you love me,” he adds, and lightly and teasingly ruffles her hair. “That’s the main reason.”

“Yes,” she agrees. “I DO love you. Despite what’s in my best interests. And you’re right; Shaena and Riley DO get a little...wild.”

“And loud. Very loud.”

“You realize we do too, right? That we can be insanely loud.”

“No. YOU can be insanely loud. You’re the loud one.”

“Yeah, you’re the groaner and the growler and the swearer, I forgot.” She spoons the remains of the ice cream into her mouth. “I still think they left way too early. Totally uncharacteristic of them. Did everything go okay? When you talked to her?”

“Best as can be expected, I guess.”

“You totally lost your shit on her, didn’t you.”

“Did you hear me yelling?” He gathers up the empty bowls and carries them to the sink. “Throwing shit around?”

“You long ago mastered the art of losing your shit WITHOUT doing any of that.” She swivels her seat around; watching as he rinses the dishes and cutlery and then loads them into the dishwasher. “Tyler James…”

Smirking, he dries his palms on the thighs of his shorts. “Esme Michelle…”

“You did, didn’t you? Lost it.”

“I may have been a little harsh. No more than she was.”

“Riley harsh? Never.”

Leaning back against the dishwasher, he crosses his arms over his chest. “I said what I needed to say.”

“Which was?”

“I told her that you ‘fessed up. About the whole fake girls weekend thing. And I said I was pissed. That she didn’t call me. Let me know what was going on. That I had a right to know that my wife was in a crisis.”

“I wasn’t in a crisis. I was…”

“I had a right to know,” he forcibly repeats. “My wife calls her sister and says she wants to kill herself? That is definitely something I should have been told.”

“She only kept it quiet because I asked her to. I made her promise not to tell you. I was worried; I didn’t want you going off the deep end hearing something like that. I didn’t want you spiralling because I was.”

“You think I’m THAT weak? That I couldn’t handle hearing that?”

“I don’t think you’re weak at all. I’ve never thought that. You’re the strongest person I know. In every possible way. But I didn’t want to put something else on you. You were away on job. You needed to stay focused on it. It was your priority.”

“YOU’RE my priority,” he retorts. “ There’s not a job in this world that could EVER be more important. In fact, other than my kids? NOTHING is more important than you. You never should have asked Riley to lie for you. You shouldn’t have put that on her. That wasn’t fair to her.”

“I know,” Esme admits. “But I wasn’t exactly in my right mind, was I. And at that time, keeping it from you seemed like the best thing. For everyone. I didn’t want to add more to your plate. The business was just starting to really take off and things were crazy busy and you had a lot going on. I didn’t want to give you more to deal with. I didn’t want to burden you.”

“You’re my wife. You could never be a burden. If you’d called me, I would have gotten on the next plane home. I would have talked you down and got you off that ledge and I would have come back to Australia. You know I would have.”

“I do know you would have. Which is why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want all that extra on you. You were busy and…”

“I am never too busy when it comes to my family,” he interjects. “You are the most important thing in my life. Nothing else comes close. And I know you think you need to protect me, but I am more than capable of handling things like this. When I have I not stepped up? When I have not shoved my own shit aside to take care of you? When have I not been there when you needed me?”

“You’ve always stepped up. You’ve always put everything aside for me. I’m not arguing that. I’m not saying you wouldn’t have come home or that you wouldn’t have dropped everything to get back to me. I KNOW you would have. But I wasn’t in my right mind. It was telling me I needed to keep it from you. For all the reasons I’ve told you over and over again. It wasn’t to hurt you, Tyler. I would never, EVER, hurt you.”

“Well it did hurt,” he confesses. “A lot. The fact you turned to her instead of me.”

“She was right next door. You were thousands of miles away,” Esme attempts to reason. “I needed help right there and then.”

“And I would have helped you. If you’d called. But you didn’t. You didn’t even give me the chance.”

“It wasn’t intentional. I was scared and I was panicking and I just acted in the moment. That’s it. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I wasn’t thinking ‘hey, let’s find a way to hurt Tyler’s feelings’. Because I would never do that and you know it.”

“She should have called me. You might not have been in your right mind, but she was. And she should have gotten a hold of me. That’s what I told her.”

“And what did she say?”

“That she did what her sister asked. That that’s where her loyalty lies. With you. And I told her that you being my wife and the mother of my kids totally trumps the relationship she has with you. What if you’d never gotten a hold of her? What if that pushed you right over the edge and you had done something?”

“I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was freaking out and my brain was all messed up. I wasn’t thinking rationally.”

“One of our kids would have found you. And I can’t stop thinking about that. The fact you wouldn’t have been around in the morning and one of them would have went looking for you and they would have found you. Do you know what that would have done to them? Seeing that? That’s your kids. MY kids.”

“What do you want me to say, Tyler? I’ve already said I was sorry. Do you want to say it a million times more? Because I will. Yeah, I should have called. And when I WAS in the right frame of mind again, I realized how badly I fucked up. Because in the end, it was you that I wanted. It was you I wanted taking care of me. Not Riley. Not some stupid psychiatric hospital. YOU.”

“I can’t pretend that it didn’t bother me. That it didn’t hurt. The fact you didn’t trust me with it. With you.”

“You have that right. To be hurt. And I’m sorry. Because that is NOT what I meant to do. I would never pick anyone over you. EVER. And I’m sorry I did. If I could go back, I’d do everything differently. But I can’t. And I know you’re hurt and you’re pissed and you probably hate me right now…”

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I love you. Which is I wanted to be the one to take care of you. Because I DO love you. We’re supposed to be a team, Esme. We’re supposed to be in this together. And sometimes….I don’t know...sometimes I don’t think you’re as invested in that part of things as I am.”

“That’s not fair. I have given everything to you. Right from the beginning. I was willing to give up my life for you. On that bridge. I gave up my family. Any friends I had. I moved to a country on the other side of the world. I started a whole new existence. For you.”

“I didn’t hold a gun to your head,” he reminds her. “ You made the decisions you did on your own.”

“Because I was in love with you. Because I wanted to be with you. But I still gave everything up. And I feel like I keep giving and giving and giving. And I’m scared one day there’s going to be nothing left to give. Then what? I won’t be of any use to you. Or our kids. “

“So somehow it’s my fault? That you keep giving and giving? Like you’re the only one that’s being doing that? I gave up things too. Most of them I needed to. The booze, the Oxy, the living in some crappy little shack in the outback. Those needed to go. But I also gave up everything I knew for you. I walked away from the job. TWICE. And I know I got sucked back in…”

“It wasn’t your fault. You had no control over that.”

“...but I started that business for you. Because you didn’t want me going out there anymore. You didn’t want me getting my hands dirty. Putting myself in the fire.”

“Do you blame me? Tyler, you have a wife. You have SEVEN kids! Why would you risk yourself when you have so much to lose? Especially when you’re not a hundred percent. You know damn well you’re not where you were thirteen years ago. You’ve admitted that yourself. Why would you go out there under those circumstances? Leave your family? People who love you? Why would you…?”

“Because I’m a selfish bastard, Esme. Just like everyone says I am. Have you ever thought maybe they’re right? That I really AM that person?”

“You’re not. You’re selfless, if anything. You’re not who they say you are. You never have been. Where is this coming from? I thought we were talking about Riley? How did it turn into being about us? Into a fight? How…?”

“I’m not trying to fight with you. I’m not.”

She valiantly holds back a flood of tears. “It sure as hell feels like you are.”

He finally approaches her. Crossing the room in two long strides and gathering her in his embrace; one hand resting on the small of her back and the other buried in her hair. “I’m sorry.” Gentle pressure draws her head into his chest; fingertips softly massaging her scalp. “I didn’t mean to take shit out on you. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. But I was angry. I still am. More at her than you. You weren’t thinking right. She was. She knew better.”

Wrapping her arms around his waist, she turns her teary face up towards him. “She was just doing what I asked. And at the time it seemed like the right thing. I’d give anything to go back and do things differently.”

“Don’t cry, baby. Please don’t cry.”

“I know I hurt you. I never meant to. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“So am I. For making you cry. I fucking HATE when you cry.”

“I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Crying. I think it’s my hormones. Oh God..." she chews anxiously on her bottom lip. "...maybe I’m starting menopause.”

“Or maybe you’re just married to a humongous asshole.”

“No, that’s not it. You’re not THAT big of an asshole.”

He stares down at her pointedly.

“You are a bit of one. You know you are. So don’t look at me like that.”

“Yet here you are,” he uses the front of his muscle to clear the tears off her cheeks and wipe her runny nose. “Twelve and a half years later. Putting up with it.”

“The sex is good. Really good. Really, really, REALLY good.”

“I knew it. Just using me for my body. And my dick.”

“That’s it,” she sniffles. “That’s all it’s ever been about. Your body and your penis.”

“You know, I’m just enough in love with you to accept that. And put up with it.”

“I love you. More than you could ever know. I love you more and more every day. Please tell me you never doubt that.”

“I don’t,” he assures her, then gently cradles her face in his palms and presses a tender kiss to her lips. “And I never will.”

[affidecrystal]

Dr. Rockhard

Plucking the stem off of her maraschino cherry, Rey sucked the sticky fruit into her mouth and glanced nervously around the empty hotel bar. Her blind date was running extremely late, causing her to question whether or not she should just forget this whole ridiculous idea. After all, she wasn’t the kind of girl that did something like this.

Right? Pfft.

Silently berating herself, Rey grabbed her iPhone from the bar top and quickly pulled up her date’s user profile. Pursing her crimson lips together, she allowed her eyes to scrutinize every detail of his risqué photos in an effort to find some sort of fault that would give her the excuse to bail.

There had to be something wrong with him, she reasoned. There was no way the man in the pictures could be real. His muscular physique looked like it had been carved straight from marble. He was every man she had ever fantasized about rolled into one perfect specimen. Why would this statuesque God be desperate enough to use a website that catered to one night stands?

Probably for the same reason you are, Rey reminded herself.

Thumbing through the last of her date’s erotic photos, she eagerly scanned over his stats for the millionth time; mulling over every word carefully as she waited for him to finally arrive.

Dr. Rockhard

Age: 31

Hair: Black

Eyes: Brown

Height: 6’ 2”

Weight: 189 lbs

Build: Muscular, athletic

Length: 7” erect

Kinks: Femdom, orgasm denial, breathplay, BDSM, pain play, unprotected sex, anonymous sex, dirty talk, oral worship

Looking For: Dominate female between 20-25 years of age for oral and vaginal intercourse. Must be physically fit, clean of all diseases, and be on birth control. Interested solely in single encounter with no strings attached.

Feeling a heated flush paint her cheeks, Rey crossed her toned legs to quell the fluttering sensation in her freshly shaven cunt. For the past two weeks, she had shamelessly flirted with the man in the pictures, explaining to him every lurid detail of what she expected from their liaison. She wanted this night to happen. No, she needed this night to happen.

She prayed to God that she wasn’t being catfished.

Quickly closing the app, Rey jumped slightly as she felt a large hand brush across her back. Glancing over her shoulder, her breath hitched when she caught her date’s heated gaze. Fuck, she thought to herself, he was even more handsome in person.

“Is this seat taken?” Ben asked, his lips curling into a sly grin.

Rey blinked at her date, trying to ignore the sudden rush of blood pounding at her temples. If he were any other man, she would respond with a witty retort, something that would make him laugh and shake his head. That’s not what he wanted, though. She had a part to play.

“You’re late,” Rey replied curtly, tossing her phone into her black leather purse.

Taking a seat, Ben observed the woman carefully, unable to mask his excitement over his date’s flippant attitude. Perhaps she really was who she claimed to be. His night might turn out well, after all.

“I’m sorry, I would’ve been here on time but something came up at work,” Ben offered, unbuttoning his charcoal grey suit jacket.

Arching a brow, Rey turned her torso towards her date and gave him a scathing look. Normally, she wouldn't be miffed in the slightest if someone got caught up at work. Her date wasn’t here for an understanding woman, however. He wanted a bitch.

“Oh, is that so? And just what is it that you do that was more important than meeting me when you said you would?”

Ben swallowed hard and lifted his broad shoulders into a small shrug. There was something thrilling simmering underneath the brunette bombshell’s cold demeanor. She was a gorgeous hellion for sure. Despite what he had said on his profile, he could already tell that one night with her wouldn't be enough.

“I’m a physician,” he answered truthfully.

Suppressing a laugh, Rey lifted her midori sour to her lips and tipped back the rest of the green liquid. Sure, of course he was a doctor; and she was the Queen of England. No matter, she thought. She wouldn’t see him ever again once daylight broke. He could be a meter maid for all she cared.

“Well, you’re lucky I had nothing better to do, tonight. My time is very valuable, I assure you.” Rey quipped.

“Of course it is,” Ben agreed, letting his eyeline to drift down her svelte body. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Yes, you will,” she said assertively, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach. “Now stop undressing me with your eyes and take me to your room. Show me just how sorry you are, Boy.”

I released this drabble on my old blog years ago. Felt like putting it on my new one ❤️❤️❤️

[cxplqnce]

Milton Greasley - Lighthouse

Based on Lighthouse by Georgia Ku

Word Count: 1,537

Won't put your feelings on the table

Don't ever say what's on your mind

You go from all-in to unstable

And I'm left to read between the lines

You had had a crush on MG for a while now, and you couldn’t stop thinking about him. You knew that MG had been through a lot, he’d just killed Landon – thankfully, he came back to life – and found out that his mother was working for Triad. And that’s only the two main issues.

You knew it would be hard for him to open up, but he was spending the summer with Kaleb so he’d have time to deal with everything away from the school. Since you had no live family, you spent your summer at the school – becoming closer friends with Josie and Landon.

I wanna take all your broken

Hold it together like glue

Know if you leave the door open

I'll come through

After summer ended, you heard Lizzie announce that she was embracing opportunities by saying yes to more things. Then, you heard Kaleb say to MG that this was his shot to ask Lizzie out, which made you feel like your heart was being ripped out.

You wanted to tell MG how you felt but you knew right then and there that you would get rejected so you kept your feelings to yourself. Unfortunately, Josie noticed that something was wrong with you and you spilled your guts to her. She told you not to give up on him but that just confused you more, should you go for it and most likely get rejected or just try to get over him?

Unbeknownst to you, Kaleb overheard your conversation with Josie and told MG everything he heard. Now you weren’t the only one with conflicting feelings.

You know sometimes you'd like to check out

Lock all your issues in a safe

I know that trust is hard to give out

Whatever's left, I'll gladly take

This made it real for MG. He never really thought he had a chance with Lizzie so it all felt surreal – the feelings, the relationship possibility but now that he knew you liked him, it all became real and he had to revaluate whether he was actually ready for a relationship.

Then he saw you.

You were walking out of a class, looking extremely stressed and he realised all of the feelings he held for you. He’d known you for the same amount of time that he’d known Lizzie but he’d actually met you first. Lizzie and Josie were late to give him the tour and you were passing by so Dr. Saltzman pulled you over to introduce yourself. You were a vamp too so you knew exactly what MG was going through and he felt comfortable with you straight away.

You also had heaps in common, even though you had never read a single comic book, you loved superhero movies and TV shows so you would talk about them with him for hours. He then introduced you to the comic book world and you instantly fell in love – stopping by his room every other day to borrow one of his comics to read.

You were also insanely sweet and gentle, you wanted to help people so bad that you’d started learning some first aid and you had decided that you wanted to be a teacher from when you were very young.

Today was the day of the football game against the townies and you had been convinced to play by Josie. You were not athletic in the slightest, you were just the only other student who would participate, and also you were a very, very weak link so the team would surely lose with you. However, the new headmaster, Professor Vardemus, had told you to use your powers in moderation to win – which neither you nor Josie liked the sound of.

The game began and the biggest guy on the opposing team tackled you to the ground and you definitely heard – and felt – something crack in your body. You knew you’d heal but it was extremely painful. Frustratingly, the guy that hit you didn’t seem to care that you had been injured but MG rushed to your side, helping you up. He guided you to the bench and helped you sit down.

“Are you okay? What hurts?” He asked, trying to be calm but failing, while holding your hand in his. You squeezed his hand hard as you felt the bones in your leg resetting themselves.

“My leg.” You croaked out, trying not to scream or cry but MG assured you he’d be there until you were better.

I'll be careful with your heart now

I know you're fragile

Baby, when it's dark out

I'll be your lighthouse

After the game, which your school lost even with the added bonus of your supernatural powers, you were sat in your room reading a comic book you hadn’t returned to MG yet and nursing your leg which had healed but you could still feel an ache. You heard a knock at your door and by the breathing and footsteps you could hear you could tell it was MG.

“Come in!” You called, shifting your position on your bed. MG entered your room and you saw that he had flowers in his hands. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He replied, before looking down at the flowers and holding them out to you, “These are for you… To make you feel better. Does your leg still hurt?”

You shook your head, “Nope, I’m all healed, and thank you… for the flowers. It was sweet of you.” You said, taking the flowers from his hands and laying them down on your bedside table.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He smiled, before noticing the comic book on your lap, “The Flash… which one is your favourite?” He asked, sitting down on the edge of your bed.

“This one so far… I’ve only read the first few, but so far The Flash is definitely my favourite character and series.” You smiled, gaining courage as you laughed with him, “Would you want to go on a date… with me, sometime?” You asked with an awkward look on your face.

MG was stunned, he never expected you to ask him out so he did the only logical thing he could, “Yes, definitely!” He shouted, before calming himself down, “That was way too much, right?”

“Just a tad.”

I could chase away the voices in your head

Take away the pressure; you can let your guard down

I'll be your lighthouse

You and MG had started dating after that encounter in your room and you had been getting a lot closer. You had both been through a lot and come out stronger for it, and you were even stronger together, however, that was until you saw him sitting in the pool with Alyssa Chang on what looked like a date. She was all over him and you wondered what had possessed him to do something like that so you confronted him about it later on.

“Hey, Y/N.” MG started, coming up behind you in the library, “I was thinking I could come to your room later and we could watch some TV, maybe The Flash?” He suggested, acting as if he hadn’t been all over Alyssa Chang just an hour ago.

You took a deep breath, “Are you kidding me right now?” You said, turning to look at him.

His smile faded when he saw the saddened and disappointed look on your face. “What’s wrong, baby?” He asked, resting his hands on your shoulders but you shrugged him off you.

“Don’t act like everything’s okay when it’s not, MG.” You said, walking away from him and vamp speeding to your room. He obviously followed you, determined to find out what was wrong.

“What’s not okay? What did I do?” He asked, trying to get you to open up.

You sniffed, a few tears falling down your face, “You know what you did,” You said, but MG’s face was blank so you continued to spell it out for him, “I saw you… with Alyssa, in the pool. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?”

“No, Y/N, it’s not like that. I swear, I can explain.” He defended. You sat down on the edge of the bed and motioned for him to continue, “Alyssa sent the twins and Dr Saltzman to a prison world using an ascendant and Hope and I have been trying to find it and when Hope found out that Alyssa had a crush on me we agreed that I would try to… seduce her into telling me but it didn’t work.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” You asked, wiping the tears off your cheeks.

MG sighed, “I don’t know. I just… I didn’t want to ruin this.”

“I would have been okay with it, if you’d just told me.” You said, pulling him closer to you so you could wrap your arms around his waist. He instinctively did the same, pulling your head to his chest.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

You smiled, “It’s okay, just remember you’re mine.”

A/N: Hope you enjoy! Follow my instagram @ cxplqnce and I take requests if you have one! :)

[donghyuckcuyhgnod]

a jock’s cupid bow

becoming best friends with park jisung was completely accidental. your first two years of high school, neither of you really knew each other. it was a simple, “oh, yeah. he’s in my class,” type of acquaintance, a mere friendly smile in the halls and an occasional question about the homework. he had his own group of friends, and you had yours.

jisung had always been the athletic type. he was always the star of the game, playing a different sport every season. he was a jock, yes (and popular), but not the typical kind. he was never rude or obnoxious, and he never met the stereotypes of a popular jock. he mostly kept to himself, other than his small group of friends, consisting of five other boys—similar to him.

you were a bit different, however. you weren’t necessarily athletic, but rather spent your time doing extra curriculars like joining the art club, drama club, as well as the journalism club. you, as well, had your own group of friends who were interested in similar things to you.

however, no matter how unathletic you were, physical education was a class you and the rest of your peers were required to take. normally, you would try your hardest to make some sort of excuse as to why you couldn’t play whatever stupid game the students were participating in. whether it was a headache, too much homework, or a sore ankle; anything to get you out of it. but unfortunately, you had used those excuses too many times, and so, you were forced to play a round of dodgeball on this particular day.

you had seen how aggressive the boys in your class could get during this game, especially the competitive ones. they would whip the hard, rubber balls at whoever was in their way, with absolutely no mercy and no speed control. you would blink and a ball would be right at your face. judging how you were when it came to sports, you knew this was a bad idea.

for a while, you had been doing alright. staying in the back corner was your form of defense, away from the middle and the front where the balls came at full speed, and too high above the ground to be accidental. by the time they got to you (in the back), they were slower and lower, and easier to dodge. and you didn’t dare try to hit anyone on the opposing team; you weren’t that idiotic.

and somehow, your whimpy, pathetic survival strategy had gotten you through most of the game. after a few minutes, you found that you were one of only two people left on your team. the other being a boy named lee jeno. the three people left on the opposing team was park jisung, na jaemin, and huang renjun. who, coincidentally, were all part of the same friend group. which initially led to a bit more aggressiveness when throwing the balls; it was a simple case of you’re my friend—therefore, i can hit you as hard as i want without feeling bad for laughing.

and just as park jisung went to throw what seemed like an extremely aggressive throw, renjun and jaemin had been goofing around and mocking their friend who happened to be your only hope in winning the game. you knew you were useless, so you figured that getting hit on purpose was probably the best option. and just as jisung went to throw the ball at jeno, his two goofy friends bumped into him; causing his arm to go sideways just as he let go of the ball.

and before you knew it, you were thrown back right onto your bottom. you squeezed your eyes shut in displeasure, a series of gasps coming from the other students at your hard fall. laying on your back, you felt a sharp pain in your bum, as well as a painful pressure right between your eyes, where the ball had initially went flying into you at full speed and full strength.

when you said getting hit was the best option, this was not what you meant.

“oh, fuck!” you heard a deep voice yell, before you realized that your teammate was standing over you, a worried look in his eyes. “jisung, what the hell!?” he shouted, your ears catching rapid footsteps that seemed to be approaching. you could tell by the way the floor nearly shook.

“holy shit, i-i’m so sorry! i was aiming for jeno, not you! oh, god, you’re bleeding!” a frantic and panicked jisung had popped into your vision, his voice laced in pure worry and disbelief. you quickly lifted your hand up to your nose, and sure enough, you were bleeding.

“nice job, jisung! you gave her a bloody nose!” jeno said, sarcasm laced in his voice.

“wait a minute- i- my hand slipped- i’m sorry!” jisung whined.

you groaned in pain, a sudden pressure overcoming your nose. you quickly sat up, shocking the two boys that were knelt beside you.

“holy fuck, i feel like i just got a nose job!” you shrieked, causing jeno to laugh out loud at your unexpected reaction. jisung, however, was overcome with guilt as he offered to take you to the nurses office. of course, you had told him you would be fine, but your teacher had insisted you take up jisung’s offer.

in the nurses office, jisung couldn’t seem to stop apologizing.

“y/n, i’m so sorry. really, i wasn’t aiming for you. if it wasn’t for jaemin and renjun, the ball wouldn’t have hit you! i didn’t mean to, sincerely!”

“jisung, it’s alright! it’s not like i’m dying or anything, it’s just a stupid bloody nose. an ice pack and i’ll be fine. really, you don’t need to worry,” you had said, which ultimately shut him up. after reassuring him several times throughout your nurse visit, he had finally come to terms with the fact that you weren’t mad at him. and so, with your head tilted back and your fingers pinching the bridge of your nose, the two of you had started a conversation about the homework from your shared chemistry class.

fast forward two months later, and you and jisung were practically attached at the hip. you found yourself sitting with jisung and his jock friends at lunch, and hanging out with them after school and on the weekends. instead of spending your time at your normal after school clubs, you now spent your time at school games and practices in support of your new friends, especially jisung. you no longer wore baggy knitted sweaters to keep you warm, but rather jisung’s letterman jacket that he loved oh, so much. you weren’t sure how or when it happened, but you found yourself falling for him in just a mere two months.

and it seemed that everyone could clearly see he felt the exact same way about you. his friends (now yours as well) had constantly made you aware of his feelings towards you but you always denied. there was no way someone like park jisung could like you as more than a friend, or so you thought. even your classmates outside of your friends—old and new—had seen the obvious adoration the two of you felt for each other. it was so blatant, and so insanely obvious how much you liked each other.

and when jisung had asked you out for the first time, despite your constant denial of liking him, you simply couldn’t say no. a feeling of overwhelming excitement had overcome you, a ginormous, full-teeth smile taking over your features as you said the words, “yes, of course i’ll go on a date with you.”

and just a year later, your relationship with jisung was going strong; your feelings for him increasing every single day, your bond only strengthening as time went on. you truly felt that you were dating your best friend.

and fast forward to now, just two days before your highschool graduation. somehow, you convinced jisung to help you set up the football field for the upcoming event. it took a lot of begging, but he ultimately agreed with a roll of his eyes, a small smile on his face nonetheless.

“jisung, can you pass me that banner?” you say, reaching your hand out as he hands you the said item. as you begin pinning the banner to the fence, jisung hums in curiosity.

“i wonder what chenle is going to say in his speech at the graduation. y’know, being class president and all,” he says. you laugh at the thought, causing a smile to appear on jisung’s face.

“who knows what he’ll say? probably something stupid about the cafeteria food,” you respond. jisung laughs in agreement, helping you step off of the ladder you were standing on just a moment ago.

you sigh in satisfaction, looking around the large field at all of the decorations you and a few others students had put up. “i can’t believe we’re graduating soon,” you say, turning to your boyfriend as he nodded his head.

“yeah, i know. it feels like just yesterday when i hit you in the face with a dodgeball,” he says. hitting him on the shoulder, you laugh.

“holy shit, i forgot about that!” a smile makes it way to your face, your eyes widening in remembrance as the memory floods through you. “you were so worried—you thought you killed me or something!”

“i thought i gave you a concussion! we barely knew each other at the time. how was i supposed to know you weren’t gonna sue me!?” he says, his arms flailing in the air for dramatic affect. you smile at him, pure adoration and bliss reflecting on your eyes.

“y’know, i’m glad you hit me with that ball. our lives would be completely different right now if you didn’t,” you admit. he silently agrees, and you can’t help but think that he looks so beautiful in this moment. his eyes lightly squinted from the brightness of the sun, his dark hair unkept and a bit messy from the wind. his cheeks red with cold, his lips slightly chapped, but still so kissable. his scent fills your nose, not only because he’s right next to you, but also because he had given you his jacket to wear just a few minutes prior.

an overwhelming amount of gratitude and love overcomes you in the moment, and you pull him by the hand closer to you as you look into his dark eyes, that holds so much love for you. you smile at him.

“i love you,” you say. jisung returns the smile, squeezing your hand a bit as he leans down. his lips connect to yours in a sweet kiss, only lasting a few seconds before he pulls away with a giddy look on his face.

“i love you more,” he responds. and the truth is, he didn’t need to say it back. because you know he loves you. you know that he will always choose you, and that you’ll always be beautiful in his eyes. you know that oddly, he doesn’t regret giving you a bloody nose in physical education class. and you don’t regret it, either.

you know he loves you. and thats all you need.

[benchgenderstudies]

Iliopsoas Strains, Side Stitches and Testicle Turmoil.

//As written to the NATA News. (National Athletic Training Association). 

Dear Editor

The exact cause of sidestitches during running has long eluded the profession. What has been agreed on are ways to subdue the discomfort. A letter to The Physician and Sports Medicine suggested  “bending forward pressing ones fist up into the ribcage and against the liver and run 10 to 15 steps like this.” (Duncan). Less severe methods by this contributor (in order) include 1)try belly breathing rather than shallow chest breathing, 2)exhale when the foot opposite the side stitch strikes the ground, and (3) run with your hands over your head while breathing deeply. The uncomfortable circumstance seems local to endurance runners, especially novices.

Chris Webb of Moonjoggers.com echoes nearly identical advice. With a jpeg of all the muscles of the abdomini and obliques family shown on his website, Webb goes on to join the viewpoint blaming the transverse abdominus for exercise-related transient abdominal pain (ETAP)(Webb). With that in mind, make concern of two different forms of advice to 1)raise ones arms over their head. 2)concentrate on exhaling when the opposite foot of the stitch contacts the ground.  The effect of each of these strategies brings passive attention to the gait. The runner is forced to concentrate on moving their footstrikes underneath them rather than behind or in such a way that their running gait is mechanically swayback.

It would be first wrong to only focus on the anterior face of the body (trunk flexors) to narrow down the culprits.  The posterior zone of core stabilization includes Psoas major and iliacus (iliopsoas), longissimus thoracis, serratus anterior, latissimus dorsi, erector spinae and many others. In fact, the American public's issues with low back pain mirror sports medicine's and orthopaedic disinterest in the low back musculature as individual components.  

Webb added that stopping a run to stretch trunk musculature (inclusive of the pectoralis major) could somehow relieve the ETAP pain. An athlete of enough experience to know what DOMS feels like would readily realize the pectoralis major and diaphragm could not be culprits to a side stitch. Either the stitch would replicate shooting pain down the arm or breathing would be entirely altered. Worry of a heart attack should certainly end a run. Webb and Duncan give us our clues what the underlying cause is: its deep, deep as the liver (seemingly). They suggest pressing on the point to relieve pain. We in sportsmedicine already use this method to defeat tennis elbow and patellar tendonitis: reducing the range of motion of the muscle/tendon to ease strain on the attachments with chopat straps The psoas major is a clear victim of conditioning neglect and the root of  ETAP. What is the cause: bad form favoring hip hyperextension which strains the muscle while the runner already has it in a stretched position (standing upright). The psoas group is tasked with both core stabilization and run form performance posture. The iliopsoas's relaxed position occurs while sitting. A stitch is condition of a muscle under tension not yet acclimated to the jarring of running and aiding inefficient run mechanics. Whether these elements are alone painful or result in a spasm existing as a 'standing wave” are yet to be decided.  

This discussion doesn't yet explain why the stitch only occurs on one side of the body. The immediate answer is ;no matter how perfect in attempt; all sports gaits are somehow assymetric. I do not choose that particular hill for my professional career to have a momentus death(or celebrity status). Instead, I favor a causal notion behind assymetry: ergonomic and physiological mechanisms of energy conservation. When two muscles occupy a redundant function, its my hypothesis the brain sends only one message and at certain times there is a dominant muscle of the pair and a subdominant. The subdominant follows the dominant.  Õunpuu and Winter's EMG study confirms higher activity in  dominant side plantar flexors. Their abstract directly states: “an assumption of symmetry is not valid for individual subjects” and bilaterial differences are hidden in pooled data. (Õunpuu). As early as 1989, the potential for muscles of a pair to act differently opened the door to evaluate ETAP correctly.

Side stitches are not the only difficulty an injured or strained iliopsoas/psoas can deal out. For males, a strained iliopsoas can leave one doubled over and cursing at all family members and every barking neighborhood dog. Pain is far surpassed by worry; surgical intervention worries. Do I have a varocele, testicular torsion, a hernia; what is a matter? The onset of a psoas major strain is often a long time coming. The tightness in an upper side quadrant of the abdomen is often written off as resistance exercise DOMS or a nuisance.  Graduate school coursework circa 1998 had conflicting views whether stretching actually reduced potential for injury when before exercise. Sprinters and weightlifters should always expect to stretch regardless of research debating maximum muscle tendon and force. The endurance runners face a dicier gamble. I prefer to believe their best routine is stretching after a preliminary portion of their run has warmed them up to deliver preformance goals in their daily workout; when they are ready to drop the hammer on more challenging hills or paces.  Othewise they should always stretch after the run or keep their goals section limited to stretch directly after and follow with a cool down run element.

For musicians/percussionists the strain will casually take place by whichever side the toms are arranged for fills while playing the drum kit. From high tom to floor tom; the daily enthusiasm to rockout first and stretch later sets a stage for serious pain radiating from the trunk down through the scrotum.  Even actively trying to stretch the trunk muscles can leave an athlete or percussionist vulnerable to series of events that trigger the strain.

The trigger of a moderate iliopsoas strain (as experienced by the author) came to fruition while trying to stretch the muscle. Lying in a supine position on a press bench (at the gym) and allowing the legs to hang off each side edge while not touching the ground, the iliopsoas was put under extreme tension. That instant of posture was a rest period between doing raised-straight-leg crunches.  Giving no warning to the body for a not-gradual mode of extreme tension, the psoas muscle group became insulted. The effect was not pronounced until three hours after. The effect also included an hour of elliptical cardio including a crossramp of the whole leg focus before returning home.

The sharp large-area pain of an iliopsoas strain can cause male athletes to be very concerned of testicular conditions. The pull on the inguinal ligament, internal and external oblique insertions along the pelvis floor raise due worry of conditions that require surgery. The threat of surgery amidst a condition having very little literature can compound individual sensitivity to pain. The pained area will comprise just below the pectoralis major down to the epididymis of the testicle on the same side, some central discomfort in the central low abdomen exists as well. The acute injury can be handled with rest, ice on both the epididymis, crotch, iliopsoas bursa and pained side of the abdomen. Most pain will subside in three days.  Latent effects or warning symptoms include hypersensitivity to the edges of seats when the rear of the testicle brushes against them, slight oddity in latent fluid sensation at the end of the penis following ejaculation and some urinations is also telltale.  These are not sensations of burning or pain nor should urination or ejaculation be painful, Otherwise you may be dealing with another situation entirely. There is a change in the chemical composition of the fluid denoting some form of stress or small scale inflammatory response.

If the athlete returns to resistance exercise before the injury is healed, they risk a slightly less painful experience providing their gym routine was unchanged and they guarded against painful postures and excessive weight. Squats were unaffected; both for quadriceps and gluteal focus. Running is also not painful nor did it result in ETAP. The author is an experienced runner so his posture may not have the quirks that would raise a disabling condition to novices with an iliopsoas strain.  In this experience a few tests of the leg and abdomen were evaluated. Step sign was negative. Step sign was followed by a hip flexor test which was also negative but resulted in an internal 'snapping syndrome' sensation near the ASIS. The snapping sensation was not painful as it moved from external to internal, nor did it radiate pain to the offended/engaged testicle of the condition. General soreness following workouts did require further icing in all regions.  

A test for this strain is as follows: lying supine in a resting position of yoga's bridge; begin with a wide stance with feet planted on the ground and knees at a comfortable maximum distance apart. Rotate each foot inward to about 30-40 degrees. At this point the clinician should ask the athlete to begin spreading their knees as far as possible. The motion will cause mild discomfort on the iliopsoas-pelvic pathway and can send stress down to the rear of the testicle.The athlete may notice significant details about the attachment location of the pelvic fascia to the testicle and its unlike the vas deferens.

A return to rest position will clarify if impact to the strain has been achieved by discomfort in the upper psoas major region.   In no way should the discussion of an iliopsoas strain deter visiting a general physician or a urologist for concerns of genital injury.  Having done extensive research it appears the misdiagnosis of this ailment has resulted in excessive and unneeded antibiotic medication, invasive testicular modifications, the false diagnosis of repeat bouts of epididymitis, routine torsion protocols, testicular removal and many wild guesses.  Even well trained professionals utilizing the Arnheim & Prentice “Principles of Athletic Training”(8th Ed) undergraduate text or even the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons “Athletic Training and Sportsmedicine” (2nd Ed) text would not be able to differentiate a posterior stabilizer induced discomfort from a testicular complication from the mid 1990s research absence in the area. Urologists and orthopaedic doctors should also take heed.

(Now I'm going to get back to my sore tummy and my sore man-ball).

Michael Bench graduated East Stroudsburg University's Movement Studies Program with honors and concentration in Athletic Training SportsMedicine in 1998. He was NATABOC certified in 1999 while completing a Masters Degree in Exercise Physiology and Graduate Certificate in Gender Studies; (#GoDucks) specializing in body dysmorphia.  His further experiences in body modification scenes and independent work in competitive endurance (amateur) athletics, gate control theory, percussion coordination and body composition have enabled the perspective on this elusive malady. He has published two books, “This Device of Reason” and “Native Supremacy”; and many unpublished papers ranging from economics to anorexia nervosa. His current edition of research “External Motivators of Anorexia Nervosa and Anorexic Self Abuse” is available free on request.

Duncan LA (2001) Unraveling Side Stitches, The Physician and Sportsmedicine, 29:4, 66, DOI: 10.3810/psm.2001.04.733

Mole JL, Bird ML, Fell JW. (2013)The effect of transversus abdominis activation on exercise-related transient abdominal pain. J Sci Med Sport. 2013 Jul 10. pii: S1440-2440(13)00144-8. doi: 10.1016/j.jsams.2013.05.018. [Epub ahead of print]

Õunpuu S, Winter DA(1989)Bilateral electromyographical analysis of the lower limbs during walking in normal adults,Electroencephalography and Clinical Neurophysiology,Vol 72 (5), 429-438,ISSN 0013-4694,

https://doi.org/10.1016/0013-4694(89)90048-5.

Webb, C. (2013. Nov 21) Rocking on the Roads: Stitches. https://www.moonjoggers.com/rocking-roads-stiches/

[darkestwolfx]

Numbers

I had a few ideas when I first read this one, but I thought I wanted to go with something I don't usually write – not for want of inspiration, but more logistics from the show side of things.

You can play around with the ages in your head as I haven't specified, but we're talking school ages, kind of before International Rescue. I'm thinking of using this in my Young Tracy's series too, so hair colours etc at in TOS form for this one.  Longest one yet I think too.

----------

18: Numbers

Summary: Gordon had a passionate hatred for numbers and figures.

Words: 2199

Spoilers: None.

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There were people in the world who could achieve great things with numbers. Mathematicians who came up with great problems and solutions and played around with numbers like a baby did toys and a rattle.

There were also people in the world who could achieve great things without numbers. Like artists and athletes and circus performers and… heck, what did it matter? You didn't often hear about people like that, people who struggled with numbers like a baby did walking.

Being a child was hard enough without being a brother.

Being a brother was hard enough without being one of the younger ones.

Being a younger brother was hard enough without having older brothers who could do what you could not.

Gordon was slightly glad to no longer be the youngest, yes. But it still remained that he had three older brothers and those brothers were far more academic than he.

Virgil – lucky bug – could maintain a good average and be artistic, the perfect combination of both who was strong and yet delicate, smart and yet creative. Had the middle child just been creative, his teachers wouldn't have been half as kind, but because he was both it was like summer come early, all bright smiles and praise.

Scott – for all he was the eldest – was not the smartest, though he didn't like to hear it. But the point remained that he was capable of trudging on through, enough that he would be able to join the Air Force just like their Father had. The eldest wasn't the best with numbers on paper, but he was good at crunching any needed for flight. Pilot mode, as Gordon referred to it.

John – for all Gordon loved him, really loved him – was a pain in the ass. He didn't try to be, he never asked to be, but the blonde was inexplicably gifted. And really that should be plural, but Gordon was sure gifted didn't have one of those. No, John was good with words, he was excellent at science (all of them, but physics especially) and he was an absolute wizard with numbers. The red head envied the speed with which his big brother could do his maths homework like it was merely colour by numbers.

It was unfair that all of his brothers were academics, and had set a pretty good record for it at school, raising the bar high, high, high into the sky for him, but it was another thing for John to be a genius.

Virgil had been lucky to be a culmination of smart and creative coming after John, because it made him look somewhat extremely talented too – which Gordon would agree, his direct elder was a master with any medium of art, including the musical kind.

He on the other hand, was not so lucky. He was c**p with words, f***ed with science, and s**t with manipulating numbers. And it was good that he said none of that rant aloud for Dad would absolutely rip in apart for the language, and Scott might have a go to is he was hovering around. It wasn't language Gordon would normally use either even though everyone at school, especially in his year, were at the point where bad language like that was cool. No, Alan wasn't even the reason why he wouldn't use it. They'd always been a family with little need for it, but right now… right now whilst he was pulling his hair out (which, he'd have anyone know was one of his best features) over the bloody, damn nonsensical numbers before him, knowing he couldn't do anything else until his homework – which why did it have to include math! – was done, he didn't care. It was acceptable to use whatever language he so pleased. He'd been here, elbows on his desk and hands in his hair for hours, gritting his teeth and stabbing his pencil into the paper, but the answers were always wrong or the method never came to him- and long story short, he just couldn't do it.

He was so tempted to chuck his pencil across the room, but he'd already snapped one with his anger.

There was a knock at the door. Oh damn! He was tempted to just send whoever it was away.

"What?" He'd hoped his tone would be deterrent enough.

"Not a good time?"

"No."

Of all the brothers it could have been.

"Scott's watching the football. Virgil too."

"Goody for them."

"They wanted to know if you want to join. We're having ice cream."

"Lovely. Off you go."

John was silent for a moment.

"So, I'll take it that's a no then."

"Yes. Go."

But by the sound of it, John didn't 'go' in the direction Gordon had intended, for within moments of careful, quiet footsteps, his brother was stood beside him.

"Oh, you're multiplying polynominals."

"So that's what they're called."

He'd honestly forgotten.

John seemed to be looking between him and the paper, full of erased scribbles and large indents from his eventual anger.

"I thought you only had a couple bits of homework to do?"

"And I'm doing it."

"No, I just meant… well, usually you'd be done by now and joining us for ice cream."

"Well I'm not done so even if I want to I can't. House rule. You know that."

"I do." Gordon felt a little bad. He was being snappy and he knew it. And John didn't deserve that just because he was a genius and the younger wasn't. He decided he should probably keep his mouth shut so as not to do any more unnecessary snapping. "Right. I'll just uh, leave you to finish it then…"

"Yeah, off you go and have some ice cream on me."

He thought John might have actually gone. Scott didn't have the same level of stealth as the second son, so it would have been far easier to tell. But no, the elder's quiet nature had done Gordon no favours.

"Gordon, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Something is because you're snapping. And being sarcastic – you don't really want me to eat ice cream for you."

"No, I don't! I want to watch the football – not because I like football, but because you're all down there and you're eating ice cream and I'm stuck up here with poly what's it called."

"Polynominals."

"Yeah, yeah those."

John walked back over, standing beside him with no awareness to how annoyed his very presence was currently making the copper haired boy. It's not his fault, he reminded himself. He never asked to be born a genius.

"The answer to question one is 8x2-50x+63."

"How?" He finally, finally snapped, throwing his pencil – unintentionally – onto the floor – he'd been aiming for the desk. Damn. "How do you do that, in your head as well! That's not fair."

"Gordon, I learnt these years ago, y-"

"It's still not fair! I've been looking at these for an hour!"

"You should have as-"

"I hate numbers! Why can't we have mandatory swimming."

John… chuckled. And the first thing which came to mind was why? Honestly, Gordon was baffled.

I've just shouted at him, and he's laughing?

He knew John was good at staying calm, but this was almost crazy.

"If they did that, I really wouldn't be any good. You'd have the best grades."

"Yeah. I would."

"Here."

John held out his pencil to him, Gordon never having seen him moved to retrieve it. He took it with a quiet 'thanks'. He still wasn't quite sure how he should feel. His brother was jesting with him like the whole shouting match - or rather, at, since John's voice never rose, not even once – never happened.

"You need to multiply each number by the other numbers in the brackets and then you add and subtract accordingly."

"What?"

"The polynominals you- Sorry. I'll leave you to it."

"No, no, no!" John halted almost abruptly. Gordon realised he'd been shouting, again, and made a deliberate effort to lower his voice. "Can you… can you say again?"

The blonde nodded and made his way back over.

"Do four times two and four times nine, then do seven times two and seven times nine." He made an effort to scribble whilst the elder spoke, his hand moving faster than it did usually, even in class. "Remember if there's x's to times, you have to include them in the answer. So if you times two x's together you get x squared, like if you four times four."

"Ok, ok. Then?"

"Add or subtract it all, and rewrite it in it's final form without the brackets."

"Right, ok. Um… like that?"

John glanced over his shoulder once more, green eyes studying his messy scrawl, made harder to read by the past attempts strewn like ghosts over the paper.

"Yes, but it's plus sixty-three." He frowned, returning his gaze to the paper to look for the reason why. "You times two negatives."

"Oh yeah!" He quickly made the correction, rubbing furiously to get rid of the blasted additional line, hovering even still from al his previous endeavours. "Like that."

"Mmm hmm."

"Ok… oh, did you want to be watching the football."

John all but frowned at him. "I hate football. You know I only watch if Scott's playing. I've got a book waiting for me."

"Sorry to keep you."

"I like math, so it's ok."

He nodded, not really sure what else he should do. He never meant to (inadvertently) ask for John's help, although he couldn't deny he was glad to have it, but now his problem lay in how to keep it. Part of him knew asking would be ok and the other was still torn about whether he even wanted to. He was prideful, for all that he wasn't good at math. He didn't want to appear stupid, least of all to his genius brother. But then again, he didn't want to appear stupid to his class either. He'd unluckily ended up with the same maths teacher all his older brothers had had, so there was no luck there, but he intended to keep the rest fooled.

"Do you want to do the rest?"

"Rest..?"

"Of the questions. I can't do them all for you."

"No. Mrs R would probably know." He jested, trying to lighten the mood which seemed to have descended, and he was overly aware that such was his fault for having shouted.

"Probably." John agreed. "I think the handwriting would give it away."

Yes, because John was even gifted with being able to write nice and neatly, just like Virgil. At least Scott's writing was also abysmal, although maybe not quite so much as his.

"I was thinking more about the math."

"But you can do it."

"You told me what to do."

"So just repeat exactly that."

"But I can't even remember what I did, you- you were talking me through it."

"Gordon, does someone talk you through how to do… butterfly stroke?"

"Uh, no!"

"Exactly. And you do it fine."

"I'll have you know I do better than fine. But that's something I'm good at. I've done it for ages."

"But that's the point. Someone talked you through that when you first learnt, but you don't need that anymore. Same thing with math." He let his eyebrows raise of their own accord. John took an answer from that, as expected. "You'll get there."

"Yeah… No. Well, maybe, but not tonight I don't think, and I'd really like some ice cream."

"Me too." John smiled, and that was kind of infectious because Gordon found himself smiling too. "So, question two?"

The blonde reached out and pulled over Gordon's old bean bag. He preferred to sit on that than a chair after swimming. His brother dropped down beside him and reclined quite happily from what Gordon could see.

"I'll just sit here and wait until you need me."

And he did smile this time, of his own free will.

"Ok."

Part of him was very pleased that he hadn't had to ask: the other part was very aware that John had probably gathered he wanted-but-didn't-want to ask for help and thus had offered.

He had some very good brother's looking out for him, indeed. It just helped when they were a genius.

"Right, question two has stuff outside the brackets, what do I..?"

"Same thing, but only times everything in the brackets by the number outside."

"So, I'm doing five sevens, five fours, and five twos?"

"Yeah. And add in the x's."

"But that one's going to give four x's… Is that right, is that possible?"

"Yeah, just put a little four instead of a two."

"So… like that."

"Yeah."

"Ok, ok, I've got this."

"You do."

"Ice cream here we come!"

John chuckled again and Gordon felt a little better as he powered onto question three. There were fifteen of them, but with his genius brother at his side, he was sure he'd be ok getting through them.

He wasn't the best with numbers, but if the world flooded tomorrow, he'd be ok to stay afloat; and until such a time he could best the numerals, he had John to act as his raft.

[chantillyxlacey]

If you feel like it for the headcanon game, each of the 2k3 turtles! (I... couldn't choose.)

Leo

Headcanon A:  realistic

He’s the most likely out of his brothers to actually actively pursue being a father-- he’d adopt children, whether or not he winds up with a romantic partner to raise them with (I’m of the headcanon that Leo is aroace, or possibly demi). Whether those children would be human, alien, other mutants, etc, would be up to fate. He’d take care of them and do his best to do right by them as a dad all the same.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Leo can’t hold his liquor for shit. He’s a giggly drunk.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

He never stops having nightmares about injuring Splinter-- he got them at first after the events of The Darkness Within and they got more vivid after he actually did so in The Ancient One. They never completely go away, even after his father has passed away of old age (in fact in the months after this happens they get worse; almost nightly and more vivid than ever).

Headcanon D: if it’s unrealistic then i don’t care fite me on this one

Leo has the best singing voice amongst his brothers. Like to the point that if he got vocal training and such he could have made a career in musical theater if he had any inclination whatsoever to do so. He’d never be comfortable with dozens of people all fixating their attention on him at once tho.

Raph

Headcanon A:  realistic

He has the most physical scars out of his brothers; between him being most likely to pick fights and riding that motorbike of his basically in the nude except for joint padding and a helmet like a dumbass it was pretty inevitable.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

While Leo is the most likely to be interested in fatherhood, Raph is actually the best among his brothers with really little kids. Babies for some reason are more drawn to him and he’ll adamantly deny it but he’s secretly a huge marshmallow with them, especially as he gets deeper into adulthood. As a dad he’d be one of those who talks to his baby like it can talk back-- like casual conversation and responding to baby coos as though they said something in English (again; he adamantly denies it even WHILE doing it; to the extent that he’ll ask the beeb “Do I do that? See, the kid agrees with me, I don’t.” )

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

He has the hardest time between the four of them when they go their separate ways. He falls into a depression over it for a long time, though he never admits this to his brothers. The only people he openly discusses it with are Casey (and even so he had to badger it out of Raph initially) and Angel (I ship them partly because I get the feeling that they could talk to each other about things they don’t feel like they can easily talk about with most people).

Headcanon D: if it’s unrealistic then i don’t care fite me on this one

You’d guess this would be Mikey, but it’s actually Raph who is the most likely to wind up tearing up at things like weddings or the births of April & Casey’s children or various important milestones for those kiddos (though to be fair Mikey is at a VERY close second).

Donnie

Headcanon A:  realistic

All four turtles are of course honorary uncles to Casey and April’s kids, but he becomes sort of an unofficial godfather to their eldest who takes a shine to him. The kid is the spitting image of Casey but has a personality very similar to Donnie’s and loves to watch him working on mechanical projects. She observes more than asks direct questions about what he’s working on, but one day comes to visit with a complete, if somewhat simple, motorized robot toy she made herself based on what she learned from him and he could just about burst with pride.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

It’s because of this kiddo that he ends up accidentally starts writing a kids’ nonfiction book series on science and engineering-- since she doesn’t ask direct questions of him he makes conversation about what he’s doing with her through little anecdotes, metaphors, and stories; eventually April suggests he write all this fanciful stuff down and he ends up creating a Bill Nye-esque authorial persona.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

As he gets older his health goes into decline, mostly due to complications from the secondary mutation he went through in Adventures in Turtle Sitting/Good Genes. His immune system tanks after he hits mid-thirties and he has symptoms similar to fibromyalgia: chronic pain and fatigue. It slows him down a lot and even though he wasn’t the most into athletics compared to his brothers he finds it extremely disheartening that he just has all of that pulled out from under him.

Headcanon D: if it’s unrealistic then i don’t care fite me on this one

He can sew at a professional level of skill, and he knows how to tool leather. He made the knee/elbow pads and belts that he and his brothers wear.

Mikey

Headcanon A:  realistic

Out of his brothers Mikey has the greatest appreciation for music, and is the only one who can play an instrument-- he taught himself to play an old beat up drum set by playing along with cds when he was around thirteen. He’s since attempted to teach himself the piano on an old saloon piano that April has in her shop, but that’s been slower going since most songs are written and the keys themselves designed for a player that has four thinner fingers. He’s had better luck though playing around with synths/other electronic music programs.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

If/When they all four get to exist as part of the general public, Mikey has the most success out of them in terms of romantic interests. He’s a bright and cheerful Casanova and people are just incredibly charmed by him. At some point he winds up on a publication’s (whether it is a Big Name Big Deal publication or tiny niche blog seen by twelve people is up to you-- whichever you find funnier) list of “New York’s Most Eligible Bachelors” and he never lets that go-- he brags about that even longer than he does about the Battle Nexus.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

I……. I can’t think of a sad headcanon for Mikey. I can’t do that to the boy :’>

Headcanon D: if it’s unrealistic then i don’t care fite me on this one

Mikey is absolutely genderfluid. That’s just a deep and abiding truth.

[weightlossfitnesssinfo]

The Relationship Between Injury and Back Pain: Neutral Spine Versus Flexion

As somebody who has sustained two main again accidents early in my lifting profession, I’ve turn out to be extremely engaged within the present analysis on again ache and therapy/prevention protocols. Through this strategy of analysis and evaluation, my place on again ache and its implications for coaching have modified moderately considerably.

  I've seen an abundance of data on again ache that makes definitive claims when in actuality it’s not that clear reduce. The backbone is a extremely complicated construction, and harm mechanisms are on no account easy. This article will not be meant to be prescriptive. The function is to make clear this complicated topic to impart a greater understanding of the mechanisms concerned in again ache and therapy. My place on harm is that it's best to all the time seek the advice of a professional skilled like a bodily therapist. They will be capable to assess your particular person circumstances and prescribe the suitable therapy protocol.

    That being stated, let's dive into again ache and all its distinctive elements.

  Mechanisms for Disc Herniation and Back Pain

Injury will be outlined as a tissue being taken past its purposeful loading capability.1 Whether it’s bone or delicate tissue it’s primarily the identical fundamental premise. For occasion, while you go into an elevator there's a signal that tells you the maximal loading capability of the elevator. Going past that places the metal cables liable to breaking as a result of the burden has exceeded their purposeful loading capability. The physique works in the identical approach.

  In the diagram under you possibly can see the fundamental construction of the discs and the vertebral joints. A disc herniation happens when a fraction of the disc nucleus is pushed out of the annulus and into the spinal canal via a tear or rupture within the annulus. Anterior herniations are very uncommon, with most herniations being posterior or posterolateral, as proven by the pink arrows within the diagram under.

    Tears within the annulus are the commonest posterolateral due to the anterior longitudinal ligament which rests on the entrance of the vertebral column as proven within the diagram under.

    A 2009 systematic evaluation discovered “In people aged 25-55 years, about 95% of herniated discs occur at the lower lumbar spine (L4/5 and L5/S1 level); disc herniation above this level is more common in people aged over 55 years” and “19-27% of people without symptoms have disc herniation on imaging”.2 This is in keeping with what we at present know in regards to the frequent harm/ache websites for powerlifters and bodybuilders.three

  When we take a look at the mechanisms for disc herniation and again ache we will see proof that factors to acute will increase in compressive drive (ie. leaping and touchdown, falling, a heavy barbell in your again, and so forth.),Four excessive repetitions low load flexion/extension motions,5 excessive load flexion/extension motions,5 and flexion-rotation.6 However, disc herniations linked to again ache are moderately unusual and are estimated to be between 2-5%.7 When you flex your backbone, particularly underneath load, it compresses the anterior facet which forces the nucleus of the vertebral disc posteriorly the place the annulus has solely a skinny wall defending it.6 This will not be a direct mechanism for harm however underneath heavy masses and/or excessive repetition it might improve your threat.Four,7 High load compressive forces underneath flexion additionally improve anterior shear which is commonly related to an harm.7 

      A vertebral endplate is a cartilaginous construction vital in sustaining the integrity and features of the intervertebral disc.eight Endplate fractures can happen underneath comparable circumstances as herniations however the price of pressurization/loading appears to have a major affect on fracture price.9 Wade et al (2015) discovered nearly no distinction within the complete quantity of compressive drive required to trigger endplate fractures when evaluating impartial to flexed positions.7 

    Keeping a Healthy Spine

Based on what we’ve reviewed thus far it’s straightforward to see how flexion and rotation, particularly carried out repeatedly and underneath load, play a job in again harm and ache. Unfortunately, it’s not fairly so reduce and dry. Studies have proven the optimistic traits of spinal actions together with flexion for sustaining a wholesome backbone.10,11 Beyond that, disc degeneration is complicated.

  Inconsistencies defining disc degeneration and creating clear distinctions between regular disc degeneration associated to age, genetics, intercourse, and disc degeneration as a result of extreme loading or sports activities follow is troublesome.12 Several research have additionally discovered a powerful genetic affiliation to again ache that disrupts the generally held perception that loading exposures is the first catalyst for again ache.13,14

  One paper discovered that adjustments in compression forces weren't predictive of harm sort to discs and that its failure mechanism could also be linked to fatigue.15 This suggests an adaptive potential that via conscious exposures can improve fatigue resistance growing resiliency. Other research have identified the restrictions to in vitro fashions which are sometimes used within the classical ache/harm mannequin related to flexion, rotation, and compressive forces.

  Researchers have found that “an in-vitro model for studying fluid flow-related intervertebral disc mechanics. During loading, the outflow of fluid occurred, but inflow appears to be virtually absent during unloading. Pro-elastic behavior cannot be reproduced in an in vitro model.”16 Basically which means the research are restricted as a result of in-vitro fashions don’t account for sure adaptive properties of tissues. Spontaneous reabsorption of lumbar disc herniation is an noticed phenomenon that in line with the info happens roughly 66.66% of the time.17 This is yet one more side of the physique's pure capacity to adapt which is commonly underplayed within the anti-flexion debate.

  One research discovered “Total bending cycles have ranged from 4,400 to 86,400” earlier than inflicting partial or full herniations to the posterior annulus.18 From a sensible standpoint, this exhibits that there's a important vary of unpredictability. I don’t doubt that flexion and compression might feed into the harm mechanism. What I query, nevertheless, is the diploma of affiliation that may confidently be reported.

  Even analysis establishing that tissue reworking is a response to compressive loading presents a possible case for deliberately going into flexion underneath particular circumstances comparable to sports activities follow.19 Physical exercise strengthens the vertebrae and the discs doubtlessly lowering your threat of harm.20 The predominance of again accidents occurring within the lumbar backbone brings a brand new layer of complexity to this dialogue since spinal flexion in powerlifting usually happens within the thoracic backbone.

  In truth, the variety of elite dead-lifters that pull with a rounded higher again is on no account small. Beyond that, when an athlete is loaded maximally there'll doubtless be a rise in spinal flexion anyway.21 Even with this prevalence powerlifting nonetheless maintains a comparatively low harm price estimated between 1-5.eight per 1000 hours of coaching.22 It’s doubtless that each side of the talk are proper, however to various levels and in various circumstances.

  I are likely to agree that lumbar flexion might be not the perfect concept when mixed with axial loading. However, I don't imagine flexion, on the whole, is a direct mechanism for harm. You solely have to have a look at sports activities follow that has dynamic flexion/extension like golf, biking, rowing, snowboarding, and snowboarding to know that it’s extra complicated than merely flexion. Beyond that, sports activities that contain the next stage of flexion don't report the next price of again ache.23

  The Body's Adaptability to Repeated Flexion/Extension

Recommendations to keep away from flexion primarily based actions are made because of the analysis that demonstrated herniations and endplate fractures which occurred on the finish of the impartial vary of movement section flexion. The downside with that is that quite a few different examples take the movement segments to the identical finish vary and we don’t see any mechanism for harm. Squats reveal roughly 40 levels of flexion, golf 48% of max flexion, kettlebell swings 26 levels of lumbar flexion, and the listing goes on.24

  So, why can we see a powerful harm mechanism in a single occasion and a weak correlation within the subsequent? I feel it simply reinforces how complicated this topic is and the way extremely particular circumstances and variables can affect the chance and harm outcomes. The adaptability of the physique is a significant factor on this, though it’s vital to notice that your physique's adaptability to repeated flexion/extension will not be infinite. As noticed with a number of different adaptive processes comparable to power, endurance, and hypertrophy we are going to finally run into our higher restrict.25 The downside is that within the case of flexion primarily based actions we don’t know the place that higher restrict is which poses an inherent threat.

  Below is a summarization of the literature on again harm and ache together with some sensible suggestions.

  Low Load Flexion Low load flexion actions like tying your footwear, choosing up your child, taking part in sports activities and the like usually are not issues to be prevented. Full steam forward.

  Low Load Repetitive Flexion I don’t see low load repetitive spinal flexion as a foul factor particularly when you think about the variety of athletes who go into flexion and extension dynamically of their sport. There will not be a rise within the share of again ache or incidence of harm, so I discover it laborious to imagine flexion on this circumstance will increase threat. The caveat to that is if an train causes ache. In this case, regulate the train so it doesn't trigger ache. If this isn't potential then keep away from it a minimum of in the intervening time.

  High Load Flexion In this respect, I help the impartial backbone place. First and foremost, with regards to workouts like squats and deadlifts I don’t see an inherent profit to flexion. So from an effectivity standpoint, impartial spinal place is most often higher for athletic efficiency. Flexion primarily based actions aren’t essentially harmful, however that doesn’t imply they’re inherently protected and it definitely doesn’t make them higher. All issues being equal I might go the protected route and undertake a impartial spinal place when underneath heavy masses.

  I hope the above suggestions are useful in guiding you thru your coaching. Good luck and carry huge!

  References:

1. Jones, Christopher M., et al. “Training Load and Fatigue Marker Associations with Injury and Illness: A Systematic Review of Longitudinal Studies.” Sports Medicine, vol. 47, no. 5, 2016, pp. 943–974., doi:10.1007/s40279-Zero16-0619-5.

2. Jordan, Jo, et al. “Herniated Lumbar Disc.” BMJ Clinical Evidence, BMJ Publishing Group, 26 Mar. 2009.

three. Strömbäck, Edit, et al. “Prevalence and Consequences of Injuries in Powerlifting: A Cross-Sectional Study.” Orthopaedic Journal of Sports Medicine, vol. 6, no. 5, 2018, p. 232596711877101., doi:10.1177/2325967118771016.

Four. Dulebohn, Scott C. “Disc Herniation.” StatPearls [Internet]., U.S. National Library of Medicine, 1 Aug. 2019.

5. Callaghan, Jack P, and Stuart M Mcgill. “Intervertebral Disc Herniation: Studies on a Porcine Model Exposed to Highly Repetitive Flexion/Extension Motion with Compressive Force.” Clinical Biomechanics, vol. 16, no. 1, 2001, pp. 28–37., doi:10.1016/s0268-0033(00)00063-2.

6. Hoogendoorn, Wilhelmina E., et al. “Flexion and Rotation of the Trunk and Lifting at Work Are Risk Factors for Low Back Pain.” Spine, vol. 25, no. 23, 2000, pp. 3087–3092., doi:10.1097/00007632-200012010-00Zero18.

7. Revisiting the Spinal Flexion Debate: Prepare for Doubt.

eight. Moore, Robert J. “The Vertebral Endplate: Disc Degeneration, Disc Regeneration.” European Spine Journal, vol. 15, no. S3, Jan. 2006, pp. 333–337., doi:10.1007/s00586-006-0170-Four.

9. Veres, Samuel P., et al. “ISSLS Prize Winner: How Loading Rate Influences Disc Failure Mechanics.” Spine, vol. 35, no. 21, 2010, pp. 1897–1908., doi:10.1097/brs.0b013e3181d9b69e.

10. Adams, M A, and W C Hutton. “The Effect of Posture on the Fluid Content of Lumbar Intervertebral Discs.” Spine, vol. eight, no. 6, 1983, pp. 665–671., doi:10.1097/00007632-198309000-00013.

11. Holm, Sten, and Alf Nachemson. “Variations in the Nutrition of the Canine Intervertebral Disc Induced by Motion.” Spine, vol. eight, no. eight, 1983, pp. 866–874., doi:10.1097/00007632-198311000-00009.

12. Battié, Michele C. “Lumbar Disc Degeneration: Epidemiology and Genetics.” The Journal of Bone and Joint Surgery (American), vol. 88, no. suppl_2, Jan. 2006, p. three., doi:10.2106/jbjs.e.01313.

13. Varlotta, G P, et al. “Familial Predisposition for Herniation of a Lumbar Disc in Patients Who Are Less than Twenty-One Years Old.” The Journal of Bone & Joint Surgery, vol. 73, no. 1, 1991, pp. 124–128., doi:10.2106/00004623-199173010-00Zero16.

14. Battié, Michele C., et al. “The Twin Spine Study: Contributions to a Changing View of Disc Degeneration.” The Spine Journal, vol. 9, no. 1, 2009, pp. 47–59., doi:10.1016/j.spinee.2008.11.Zero11.

15. Noguchi, Mamiko, et al. “Is Intervertebral Disc Pressure Linked to Herniation?: An in-Vitro Study Using a Porcine Model.” Journal of Biomechanics, vol. 49, no. 9, 2016, pp. 1824–1830., doi:10.1016/j.jbiomech.2016.04.Zero18.

16. Veen, Albert J. Van Der, et al. “Flow-Related Mechanics of the Intervertebral Disc: The Validity of an In Vitro Model.” Spine, vol. 30, no. 18, 2005, doi:10.1097/01.brs.0000179306.40309.3a.

17. Zhong, Ming, et al. “Incidence of Spontaneous Resorption of Lumbar Disc Herniation: A Meta-Analysis.” Pain Physician, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2017.

18. Contreras, Bret, and Brad Schoenfeld. “To Crunch or Not to Crunch: An Evidence-Based Examination of Spinal Flexion Exercises, Their Potential Risks, and Their Applicability to Program Design.” Strength and Conditioning Journal, vol. 33, no. Four, 2011, pp. eight–18., doi:10.1519/ssc.0b013e3182259d05.

19. Brickley-Parsons, D, and M J Glimcher. “Is the Chemistry of Collagen in Intervertebral Discs an Expression of Wolff's Law? A Study of the Human Lumbar Spine.” Spine, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Mar. 1984.

20. “Physical Activity and the Strength of the Lumbar Spine." LWW.

21. Potvin, J R, et al. “Trunk Muscle and Lumbar Ligament Contributions to Dynamic Lifts with Varying Degrees of Trunk Flexion.” Spine, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Sept. 1991.

22. Montalvo, Alicia M, et al. “Retrospective Injury Epidemiology and Risk Factors for Injury in CrossFit.” Journal of Sports Science & Medicine, Uludag University, 1 Mar. 2017, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5358031/#!po=42.5000.

23. Foss, Ida Stange, et al. “The Prevalence of Low Back Pain Among Former Elite Cross-Country Skiers, Rowers, Orienteerers, and Nonathletes.” The American Journal of Sports Medicine, vol. 40, no. 11, Dec. 2012, pp. 2610–2616., doi:10.1177/0363546512458413.

24. Mcgill, Stuart M, and Leigh W Marshall. “Kettlebell Swing, Snatch, and Bottoms-Up Carry: Back and Hip Muscle Activation, Motion, and Low Back Loads.” Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research, vol. 26, no. 1, 2012, pp. 16–27., doi:10.1519/jsc.0b013e31823a4063.

25. Ahmetov, Ildus I, and Olga N Fedotovskaya. “Current Progress in Sports Genomics.” Advances in Clinical Chemistry, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2015.

  The Relationship Between Injury and Back Pain: Neutral Spine Versus Flexion is courtesy of Weight Loss Fitness

from Weight Loss Fitness - Feed https://weightlossfitnesss.info/the-relationship-between-injury-and-back-pain-neutral-spine-versus-flexion/

[mithoen]

U L T I M A T E HATOFUL AGESWAP AU

MYSELF AND @sproson-ya CAME UP WITH A BUNCH OF IDEAS FOR LIKE. AN AGESWAP AU KIND OF THING?? ITS NOT ALL EXACT SWAPS IT’S JUST FOR FUN THO

Nageki the school librarian who’s still very sick but a determined big bro to all his brothers and sisters

when he lived in the orphanage with the other kids he was always trying his best to look after them all but his weak health made it hard for him to do much so all his siblings had to work hard to make up for it and he felt Terrible about it

he’s always sending as much money as he can spare to the orphanage now that he’s working and in much better heath due to the st pigeonations medicine developed for him

Hitori, Nageki’s younger brother who moved out of the orphanage with Nageki despite the dove’s protests, eager to protect his elder bro

in the second year!!

was always the one who worried the most over nageki so being seperate from the other is like. ???? how?? could he even do that??? is there a universe that exists in which he and nageki aren’t together?????

very kind and sweet tho not afraid to Fight for the people he cares about

lives together with nageki in a small but homely apartment near to the school

is still worried often about nageki’s health, especially whenever he sees nageki even show any signs of being ill

Kazuaki who has been best friends with Hitori since before the two could even remember

in second year with hitori and in the same homeroom as him

has a very kind and supportive family and has had a cushy life, causing him to be a bit of a weakling in terms of personality

met hitori in nursery where the two became fast friends

hitori’s always had to protect kazuaki from bullies, due to how easily kazoo cries

lived closer to hitori when the other quail’s home was the orphanage, though kazuaki’s parents trust the two of them enough to let kazoo make the journey to nageki’s apartment by himself

he cries every time he has to do it, of course.

treats nageki and hitori’s apartment as a second home, which neither brother minds that much

when they started attending st. pigeonations hitori and kazoo actually began dating in secret, mainly out of fear of backlash from other students

kazoo is more worried about it than hitori, but they agreed to hide it in case kazoo ends up being bullied anymore than he already does

nageki, of course, figured it out ages ago that they liked each other but he hasn’t said anything out of respect for hitori’s privacy - his brother will tell nageki when he’s ready

Sakuya the world renowned pianist who teaches music at st. pigeonations

he’s well liked by the kids for his patient nature and strict but fair way of teaching, is always very proud of the students he teaches

left the le bel family when he was young to become a musician, as encouraged by his elder brother. he’s never looked back.

Hiyoko!! The gym teacher!! She’s extremely enthusiastic about getting all these birdies fit, what with being the only human

pushes every student to do their best but would never make them overwork - being healthy is best!!

Very Proud of all of them as well, cries tears of joy when they win in any athletic competition, also cries when they don’t win simply because they put their all into every match

RYOUTA THE SCHOOL DOCTOR WHO DECIDED TO DEDICATE HIS LIFE TO MEDICINE AFTER HIS WIFE’S DEATH

he had a kid with her though after she died ryouta’s not gotten on very well with said kid. ryouta understands how hard it is on his son tho and he doesn’t want other children to feel the pain of losing a parent, which is why he works so hard

RYUUJI’S HIS KID, OBVIOUSLY

ryuuji the 3rd year who leads a gang of 3 (including himself) misfit children

he doesn’t get along very well with ryouta, not after his mum died - its mainly ryuuji’s own fault for distancing himself from his father, blaming ryouta for not being able to save mrs. kawara

Okosan the birdolympics champion, who’s won Multiple gold medals in track

good friends with hiyoko?? somehow??? she calls in favours from him to cover P.E. lessons sometimes when she’s too injured from fighting the wildlife (ofc she still lives in a cave)

pe lessons with okosan are always. very strange. there’s often a lot of running. and bean throwing. student opinion is mixed.

ANGHEL THE VE R Y GOOD AND ALSO VERY PASSIONATE ART TEACHER

still talks like a chuunibyou o b v i o u s l y

students are never quite sure of what he’s talking about?? tho he’s always very pleased with their art no matter what they draw, whether or not it’s what he was trying to teach them so lessons with him are actually p/chill

there’s a select few people who can decipher his language - hiyoko, ryouta, nageki and the students in his manga club, the club in question being less of a friendly after-school gathering and more of a... cult.

Souma the sharp tongued, short kid with literally the worst personality ever (also yes i know his name would be something else, but like. souma’s cuter sh u s h)

is in second year with hitori and kazuaki but he’s actually been moved up a year

he’s very much a smartass and a huge dick about that all the time

the second member of ryuuji’s mischief gang, often the instigator for any of the nastier pranks the three of them pull

included but not limited to: buckets filled with paint above doors, creating various gas bombs and throwing them into classrooms, leaving sharp objects lying around in conspicuous places, etc

his parents aren’t dead in this AU, meaning a lot of his cruel personality is shaped from their abuse towards him

they put a lot of pressure on him to succeed in school and neglect him at home, which is why hes so smart and also acting out so badly

no dead parents mean no explosions, tho!! so he’s not colourblind here, nor is he partially paralysed on his right sight

this means he’s a lot more physically fit and often gets into some p/brutal fist fights with others students - most of the time he’s found fighting hitori, due to souma bullying kazuaki all the time

is Not afraid to bring a knife to a fist fight

highkey has a crush on dr. kawara. this causes issues between him and ryuuji sometimes, who Does Not Appreciate the thought of his best friend (???) liking his estranged dad romantically

(it’ll never go anywhere tho, it’s a purely appearance-attracted based crush)

Tohri!! he is, of course, beautiful and majestic

in second year with hitori, kazuaki and souma

the third and final member of the mischief trio, he is the group’s morality pet, often having to shut down ryuuji and souma where their pranks get too dangerous - he’s the nicest of the lot, basically

this is especially in souma’s case - the two often argue over what constitutes a ‘safe’ prank

souma is nearly always in the wrong.

used to be better friends with ryuuji until souma joined the school and was immediately moved up to second year, spurning ryuuji to take more of an interest in the partridge

a big fan of anghel’s work and one of the more prominent members of the manga club, he’s probably one of the few who can understand the luzon the best

frequently shuts down any and all pranks towards the art teacher due to this, no matter how harmless they might be

gets along pretty well with hitori and kazuaki - the trio isn’t exactly on the best of terms with the quails due to souma and ryuuji teasing kazoo constantly, but tohri’s the least problematic of the three so sometimes they hang out together

Yuuya, st. pigeonations charming, flirtatious headmaster

was the one who convinced his younger brother sakuya to leave the le bel family and pursue his own happiness, the fantail eventually ending up working under yuuya as a music teacher

flirts with. the Entire staff. literally the entire staff im not joking

has a Better relationship with sakuya here though the two still banter a lot, especially in school

sakuya hates his aloof attitude towards being headmaster but yuuya’s popular with both the staff and students so evidently he’s doing Something right

he often disrupts sakuya’s music lessons to talk to his brother and entertain the students and sakuya is So Done with his shit

sakuya cursing yuuya out in french when he gets Very annoyed and the students picking up the bad words and spreading them around school

sakuya is horrified but yuuya thinks it’s hilarious and none of them actually know what they’re saying so it’s fi n e

it’s the mischief trio’s aim to try and break into the headmaster’s office and wreck it before ryuuji graduates, but yuuya’s Aware of their shit

he loves their more harmless pranks but knows how dangerous they can be, so he plays along - to an extent

so far they’ve tried to blow up his door, break the lock and climb in through a window, among other things, but yuuya’s always intercepted them somehow

souma’s highkey annoyed this?? irritatingly charismatic headmaster??? is somehow outsmarting him????

yuuya’s also got a close relationship to a 3rd year boy called leone who has a p/bad family life

he’s offered to adopt the kid multiple times but leone’s always turned him down, though he appriciates yuuya’s concern

tHAT’S ALL FOR NOW FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN GU Y S :’D

[michellelinkous]

‘This extra burden’

The woman lay in the emergency department, in terrible pain from a tear in her stomach.

She needed surgery to save her life.

But when the trauma surgeon introduced himself and explained the operation, she looked up and said, “I don’t really want a Black doctor. Is there anyone else?”

It was hardly the first encounter with racism for Charles Gibson, MD, a critical care surgeon at Spectrum Health Butterworth Hospital.

He calmly replied: “Ma’am, I am the only surgeon on call. There is no such thing as a second opinion tonight,” he said. “I am happy to save your life, but it’s your choice.”

A half-hour later, the woman sent word that she wanted Dr. Gibson to perform the surgery.

Racism in health care doesn’t always rear its head in such an obvious way. Sometimes, it comes in the form of dismissive attitudes and skeptical questions directed at Black physicians, nurses and other members of the care team.

A Black doctor discusses a medical concern with a patient, only to be asked when the “real doctor” will get there.

A Black nurse arrives in a patient’s room and is expected to empty the waste basket or deliver food.

Often, racism comes from colleagues in inappropriate or disrespectful comments and actions—such as skeptical questions about their medical judgment or an insult about a natural hairstyle.

“I think the biggest thing for me is the microagressions—when there’s a clear sense that people don’t think you belong or you got to your position because of favoritism or that you are underqualified for your position,” said Lisa Lowery, MD. A pediatrician who specializes in adolescent medicine, she also serves as assistant dean for diversity at the Michigan State University College of Human Medicine.

Racism reverberates throughout the community, dogging the footsteps of Black medical professionals as they shop, drive, play and simply go about their daily lives.

“There’s this stress that we carry with us as we navigate our lives,” Dr. Lowery said. “When people subtly or not-so-subtly make you feel ‘less than,’ that’s an extra burden that we deal with.”

They learn to compartmentalize their feelings at work, so they can focus on their mission—caring for patients.

When Dr. Gibson performed surgery on the woman who didn’t want a Black doctor, he gave her the best care possible.

“I don’t judge people based on their beliefs,” he said. “If you come in to the hospital, I will give you the same care that I would give to my own mother, because that’s the oath I took—to take care of all my patients the same way.”

“We’re always going to do what’s right for our patients,” Dr. Lowery agreed. “That’s why we do what we do.”

But encounters with racism—the overt and the subtle—take a physical and emotional toll on Black health care professionals. After devoting years to education and developing their skills, dedicating their lives to saving lives, they can be dismissed at a glance because of the color of their skin.

The impact is felt especially keenly these days. As they battle on the front lines against the COVID-19 pandemic, the video of George Floyd dying beneath the knee of a police officer provides a painful reminder of racial inequality and injustice in America.

You do feel you have to work a little bit harder.

Kenyatta Curry Registered nurse

Kandace Ward, a physician assistant, feels a painful disconnect from her white colleagues each time she returns to work emotionally devastated by the release of a video showing the violent and unjust death of a Black person, like Floyd.

“Everyone else is in the hallway, merrily asking me, ‘Hey, Kandace, how are you doing?’ And I am hurting on the inside because I just saw another reflection of the systemic oppression of people who look like me.”

But she recalled lessons learned from her grandparents—talk of racism makes others uncomfortable.

In the past, she said, “I put on my big-girl pants and smiled. I was not being honest about how truly and repetitively heartbroken I was.”

Building bridges

The disease of systemic racism has festered for a long time, and no one is suggesting a quick cure. But a treatment plan must come from all quarters of society, including those who are white.

“We can’t solve inequity if we only call to the table the people who are experiencing inequity,” Kenyatta Curry said. “If we want to get this done, we need all hands on deck.”

In her 23 years as a registered nurse, Curry often is the only person of color on a medical team.

“You do feel you have to work a little bit harder,” she said. “Because you often feel like a sore thumb.”

Curry’s sense of mission helps her cope with racism on the job. Along with dispensing compassion and medical care, she hopes to bridge the racial divide and defeat harmful stereotypes.

“When you see nurses who look a little bit different than you, it’s OK,” Curry said. “Because we care. That’s why we are here. We want to try and save the day for everyone.”

Supportive co-workers can make a world of difference, she said.

That’s the case in her current position, in the Spectrum Health Limb Care and Wound Healing Clinic.

“I work with a phenomenal team. When those issues come up, whether it’s racism or sexism, we are not going to sweep it under the rug,” she said. “We are going to talk about the big elephant in the room, and we are going to deal with it before it grows out of control.”

Erica Michiels, MD, a white physician, compares issues with racism to violence against women. Women can’t change cultural standards for men’s behavior on their own.

“It takes men and women together to solve the problem,” she said.

Likewise, to right the wrongs of racism, “white people have to be part of the solution,” said Dr. Michiels, an emergency medicine specialist at Spectrum Health Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital.

“How can we say to people who have been treated inequitably for hundreds of years, ‘OK, now this is your problem. You have to solve it’? We have to get everyone to the table to solve this problem.”

Nastaciea Robert, Spectrum Health’s director of contact center services, recalls an uncomfortable encounter with a white co-worker.

When Robert wore a new dress one day, the other woman complimented her enthusiastically. But she quickly added an insult—making it clear that while she liked the dress, she did not approve of Robert’s natural hairstyle.

Robert responded with education, explaining to the woman the cultural importance of hair in the Black and brown community.

But she added, “It was pretty traumatic at first. It really felt like she was trying to suppress my identity.”

When situations like that occur, allies can help by speaking out, she said, so a person of color does not have to take a stand alone.

“What would be extremely helpful is really being courageous. Speak the unpopular truth. Stand against it,” she said. “If it’s in your gut and you know it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t sound right, even if it doesn’t look right, it’s likely not right.”

But such open discussions about race and racism make many white people uncomfortable.

An awkward conversation

Kendall Hamilton, MD, waited for his 2 p.m. appointment, a man with a bad knee injury. From his notes, he knew the man would need surgery and pain medication.

When 20 minutes passed and the patient still hadn’t arrived, he asked the athletic trainers in the office if the appointment had been canceled.

They just said, “Don’t worry about it,” Dr. Hamilton recalled.

But he did worry. He felt a responsibility to make sure his patient received help in a timely manner.

After some back-and-forth questions and vague answers, Dr. Hamilton learned what happened. When the patient arrived at the office, he looked at an informational card about Dr. Hamilton, which included his background and a photo.

He told the athletic trainer: “I’m sorry. I’m a racist. I will not see a Black doctor.”

The trainer explained that Dr. Hamilton is a highly qualified surgeon trained in orthopedic sports medicine. His resume includes work as a team physician for the Houston Astros and NASA. He performs about 600 surgeries a year.

Still, the man refused to see him, wanting to instead wait to see one of his white colleagues.

Dr. Hamilton believes his team tried to shield him from the patient’s racist attitude because they didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And they felt uncomfortable talking about it.

“They had never seen racism happen like that,” he said.

But brushing the issue aside only allows racism to go unchallenged.

He told the team members: “We are not going to accept discrimination. We are not going to accept prejudice in any of its forms.”

Will we ever get rid of racism? No, we are human. But we can make this a more welcoming society.

Dr. Lisa Lowery

Dr. Hamilton contacted Spectrum Health leadership and legal experts to clarify Spectrum Health’s policy protecting employees from discrimination.

Team members then informed the patient he could not choose his doctor by race. And the man left the office.

Dr. Hamilton also arranged for the staff to receive training on how to handle similar situations in the future.

Three years later, Dr. Hamilton said, “I know if I would encounter a situation like that, I would not have to initiate the support I need. I know our organization would step up and step in.

“We have a long way to go, don’t get me wrong. But now we have made a stand.”

Followed in a store

When Candace Smith-King, MD, puts on her white coat and walks through the halls of Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital, she feels respected—as a pediatrician and as Spectrum Health’s vice president of academic affairs.

“But the minute I leave the hospital, the respect is gone,” she said.

Dr. Smith-King, who has four children, recently shopped at a local store for treats for her child’s birthday party. As she went through the aisles with a basket of trinkets, she realized she was being followed. Clearly, security suspected her of shoplifting.

“It kind of broke my heart,” she said. “But I didn’t want to let (my kids) know that I was being followed around.”

Encounters like that make her wonder how the community views her and other Black women.

“Do they just assume I am a single Black woman with multiple kids who can’t afford to take care of them?” she asked. “Because I feel that’s the lens (with which) the media portrays Black women.”

She tries to keep calm, not just for her kids, but to avoid playing into the stereotype of “an angry Black woman.” But keeping a lid on emotions only exacerbates the stress caused by stereotypes and negative assumptions.

“The stress of always having to feel like I am representing me and my race is heavy,” she said. “You have good and bad people in all shapes and colors. But negative things are connected to Black people in a way that they are not with other races.”

Chronic stress affects health. A long-term increase in stress hormones, such as cortisol, is linked to high blood pressure, insulin resistance, cardiovascular disease, as well as mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.

And Dr. Smith-King believes the stress caused by racism contributes to health conditions that disproportionately affect the Black community.

“There is no (medical) code for racism, but you can’t tell me that high blood pressure and stressful chronic conditions don’t have something to do with the pressure I feel being Black every day, that is boiling in my blood all the time,” she said.

That only intensifies when traumatic incidents occur, such as the killings of Ahmaud Arbery in Georgia, Breonna Taylor in Kentucky and George Floyd in Minneapolis.

“Every Black person is wondering, when is this going to be me?” Dr. Smith-King said. “When is this going to be my son? When will this be my daughter? My husband?”

In the outcry over Floyd’s death, in the diversity seen in the marches held around the country, Dr. Smith-King sees a growing awareness in the general population about racial injustice and a willingness to work toward solutions.

In conversations with white friends, she sees them connecting the dots—from the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow and segregation to the war on drugs and racial disparity in the criminal justice system—and how it all adds up to the disease of systemic racism.

“It’s almost like an awakening to the history of our country,” she said.

Why did Floyd’s death, rather than the others that came before, become that catalyst for change? Dr. Smith-King believes timing may have played a role. With the COVID-19 pandemic, society slowed down, people stayed home and pulled closer together, protecting loved ones from an unknown and highly contagious virus.

“I think the pandemic allowed us to feel the pain,” she said. “It allowed people to be vulnerable and to be open.”

Dr. Smith-King grew up in Grand Rapids and has a wide network of support, including her parents, friends and her church community. But she understands how difficult it can be for medical professionals new to the West Michigan area.

As a community, she said, “We need to be more welcoming and diverse.”

Diversity in health care

Nationwide, Black doctors are underrepresented in medicine. They account for 13%  of the population, but only 5% of physicians, according to the Association of American Medical Colleges.

The number of Black doctors has increased in recent years, with most of the gains made by Black women, Dr. Smith-King said.

In 1978, there were 542 black male students enrolled in MD-granting medical schools. That number dropped to 515 in 2014, the Association of American Medical Colleges reports.

“In 2020, we are only up to 550,” said Dr. Smith-King.

And yet diversifying the health care workforce is crucial to creating trust with patients, solving racial and ethnic disparities in health and a healthier population in general, Dr. Michiels shared.

“There is great evidence that a diverse workforce produces better health care results than a non-diverse workforce,” she said. “Not only do you deliver a better product, but you deliver it at a lower cost.”

There is a history of racism in medicine, of Black people not being treated fairly.

Dr. Renee (Constance) Jordan

Hankondo Sibalwa, a nurse who immigrated from Zambia, once worked as a licensed practical nurse in a pediatric clinic—and was the only Black male health care provider on staff.

One day, a mother asked him to speak to her son, an African-American teenager, about the importance of education. Sibalwa advised the young man to go to Grand Rapids Community College after high school.

“Check it out. See if it’s for you,” he said.

A few years later, Sibalwa attended GRCC himself, studying to become a registered nurse. As he walked across campus one day, a young man called out to him. It was the teenager Sibalwa had advised several years earlier.

“I’m here because of you,” the young man said.

Sibalwa’s words carried weight, in part because his teenage patient could see him as a role model. That one example underscores the need for diversity in a health care workforce that matches the diversity of the community, he said.

“There is a history of racism in medicine, of Black people not being treated fairly,” said Renee (Constance) Jordan, MD, a pediatrician who just completed a fellowship at Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital.

Numerous studies have documented racial bias in medicine that affects the medical treatments received by people of color, reports the National Academy of Medicine.

When Dr. Jordan walks into a hospital room to care for a Black child, she often sees surprise on the faces of the child and parents.

“Their eyes light up,” she said. “Sometimes there’s even tears or a huge sigh of relief.”

She can see them thinking, “Is this real? Is a doctor who looks like me taking care of me?”

She understands their reaction. At times, she has seen the concerns of Black patients dismissed by medical staff.

In the emergency department, she once saw a mother who pushed for answers about her daughter’s symptoms be dismissed by other staff as an “angry Black woman.”

And yet when Dr. Jordan met with the woman and listened to her concerns, the woman’s anger turned to tears.

As Dr. Jordan discussed the medical issue in detail with the mother, she uncovered concerns for a worsening diagnosis. She arranged for urgent specialty follow-up care that the girl needed.

Dr. Jordan made a connection with the woman when her white colleagues could not.

“To be fair, (the mom) was a little feisty,” Dr. Jordan said. “And one reason she let her guard down was because I looked like her.”

Still, she said, the incident left her shaken, because she could see cultural bias at work.

“For another mom, they might say, ‘She’s having the worst day of her life.’ There is more patience to work through that,” she said. “I think a lot of times, Black moms get written off.”

The incident did lead to positive change.

Dr. Jordan contacted Dr. Smith-King, who at the time was the program director for her residency. Together, they brought the issue to Dr. Michiels, co-director of the emergency department.

“She was amazing, wonderful,” Dr. Jordan said. “She was the perfect ally. She asked, ‘What can we do as an emergency department to be more culturally competent?'”

Recruit and support

Jeri Kessenich, MD, sees a growing recognition in health care of the need to diversify the medical team—and to support doctors and other medical professionals of color.

As director of the pediatric hospital medicine fellowship, she particularly worries about how racism and microagressions affect interns, residents and fellows. She hears their stories about minority physicians being dismissed and overlooked, as patients or families ask to see a “real doctor.”

It adds extra stress to what already is a stressful time for new doctors, as they learn vast amounts of academic material, how to relate to patients and how to navigate the hospital system.

As a white physician, she has learned she can play a role in setting them up for success. She makes clear to patients and families that the residents are physicians and respected members of their medical care team.

It’s important to send the message: “We have people of different genders, ages, races and cultural beliefs, and we put our faith in all of them as team members,” she said.

That will require a genuine openness, understanding and respect from the medical team—and not just surface-level politeness, Dr. Lowery said.

“There is this culture that is often called ‘West Michigan nice.’ I would call it ‘West Michigan passive-aggressive,'” she said.

In the broader community, Dr. Kessenich believes white people must speak out against racism.

“We need to be more vocal about being anti-racist,” she said. “We can have influence in our community and as leaders of our own families. Silence, I think, means we condone what is going on.”

Making strides

In her leadership role, Dr. Smith-King often is the only person of color at the table for leadership meetings. But that is changing, she said.

“There are a lot of efforts being put in place at Spectrum Health—and I think at a lot of other institutions across the country—to support people of color and to diversify (leadership),” she said.

“There are people I can lean on who look like me, who can mentor me, which is one of the blessings of being at an institution that is trying to make a difference.”

Diversifying leadership can have an impact throughout the organization.

Erika Stevenson, a medical assistant, recalls an unsettling experience when she worked in a hospital clinic.

For years, she enjoyed a warm relationship with patients and their families, as well as a good rapport with colleagues at work. But after a physician cited her for being “stand-offish,” she felt she came under intense scrutiny.

She hesitated to say for certain that it was because of racism. But she could not understand why she was constantly criticized for minor issues—ones that were never raised with her white colleagues.

“I felt like I was on pins and needles every day,” she said. “I felt like nobody was on my side.”

It helped to share her concerns with two Black physicians, Dr. Smith-King and Dr. Lowery, and to have their support.

“It definitely made me more comfortable having Dr. Lowery or Dr. Smith-King present during any discussions with my (manager),” Stevenson said.

Stevenson, who has since taken a new position in Sleep Medicine, praised the open way Spectrum Health addressed racism during a “Day of Understanding” on June 19. She found encouragement in the open discussions about race and equity.

“Our office announced the doors were open if any of us had a concern we wanted to talk about,” she said. “I think that was a great thing.”

For Dr. Lowery, the visible and vocal support that has emerged in recent weeks makes her “optimistically hopeful.”

“Will we ever get rid of racism? No, we are human,” she said. “But we can make this a more welcoming society.”

To make that happen requires commitment to change—and to keep values of diversity, equity and inclusion top of mind, said Alejandro Quiroga, MD, Spectrum Health’s senior vice president for population health.

“We need to be vigilant,” he said. “We have to hold each other accountable, that we deem this important and we keep working on this.”

‘This extra burden’ published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.tumblr.com/

[gordonwilliamsweb]

‘This extra burden’

The woman lay in the emergency department, in terrible pain from a tear in her stomach.

She needed surgery to save her life.

But when the trauma surgeon introduced himself and explained the operation, she looked up and said, “I don’t really want a Black doctor. Is there anyone else?”

It was hardly the first encounter with racism for Charles Gibson, MD, a critical care surgeon at Spectrum Health Butterworth Hospital.

He calmly replied: “Ma’am, I am the only surgeon on call. There is no such thing as a second opinion tonight,” he said. “I am happy to save your life, but it’s your choice.”

A half-hour later, the woman sent word that she wanted Dr. Gibson to perform the surgery.

Racism in health care doesn’t always rear its head in such an obvious way. Sometimes, it comes in the form of dismissive attitudes and skeptical questions directed at Black physicians, nurses and other members of the care team.

A Black doctor discusses a medical concern with a patient, only to be asked when the “real doctor” will get there.

A Black nurse arrives in a patient’s room and is expected to empty the waste basket or deliver food.

Often, racism comes from colleagues in inappropriate or disrespectful comments and actions—such as skeptical questions about their medical judgment or an insult about a natural hairstyle.

“I think the biggest thing for me is the microagressions—when there’s a clear sense that people don’t think you belong or you got to your position because of favoritism or that you are underqualified for your position,” said Lisa Lowery, MD. A pediatrician who specializes in adolescent medicine, she also serves as assistant dean for diversity at the Michigan State University College of Human Medicine.

Racism reverberates throughout the community, dogging the footsteps of Black medical professionals as they shop, drive, play and simply go about their daily lives.

“There’s this stress that we carry with us as we navigate our lives,” Dr. Lowery said. “When people subtly or not-so-subtly make you feel ‘less than,’ that’s an extra burden that we deal with.”

They learn to compartmentalize their feelings at work, so they can focus on their mission—caring for patients.

When Dr. Gibson performed surgery on the woman who didn’t want a Black doctor, he gave her the best care possible.

“I don’t judge people based on their beliefs,” he said. “If you come in to the hospital, I will give you the same care that I would give to my own mother, because that’s the oath I took—to take care of all my patients the same way.”

“We’re always going to do what’s right for our patients,” Dr. Lowery agreed. “That’s why we do what we do.”

But encounters with racism—the overt and the subtle—take a physical and emotional toll on Black health care professionals. After devoting years to education and developing their skills, dedicating their lives to saving lives, they can be dismissed at a glance because of the color of their skin.

The impact is felt especially keenly these days. As they battle on the front lines against the COVID-19 pandemic, the video of George Floyd dying beneath the knee of a police officer provides a painful reminder of racial inequality and injustice in America.

You do feel you have to work a little bit harder.

Kenyatta Curry Registered nurse

Kandace Ward, a physician assistant, feels a painful disconnect from her white colleagues each time she returns to work emotionally devastated by the release of a video showing the violent and unjust death of a Black person, like Floyd.

“Everyone else is in the hallway, merrily asking me, ‘Hey, Kandace, how are you doing?’ And I am hurting on the inside because I just saw another reflection of the systemic oppression of people who look like me.”

But she recalled lessons learned from her grandparents—talk of racism makes others uncomfortable.

In the past, she said, “I put on my big-girl pants and smiled. I was not being honest about how truly and repetitively heartbroken I was.”

Building bridges

The disease of systemic racism has festered for a long time, and no one is suggesting a quick cure. But a treatment plan must come from all quarters of society, including those who are white.

“We can’t solve inequity if we only call to the table the people who are experiencing inequity,” Kenyatta Curry said. “If we want to get this done, we need all hands on deck.”

In her 23 years as a registered nurse, Curry often is the only person of color on a medical team.

“You do feel you have to work a little bit harder,” she said. “Because you often feel like a sore thumb.”

Curry’s sense of mission helps her cope with racism on the job. Along with dispensing compassion and medical care, she hopes to bridge the racial divide and defeat harmful stereotypes.

“When you see nurses who look a little bit different than you, it’s OK,” Curry said. “Because we care. That’s why we are here. We want to try and save the day for everyone.”

Supportive co-workers can make a world of difference, she said.

That’s the case in her current position, in the Spectrum Health Limb Care and Wound Healing Clinic.

“I work with a phenomenal team. When those issues come up, whether it’s racism or sexism, we are not going to sweep it under the rug,” she said. “We are going to talk about the big elephant in the room, and we are going to deal with it before it grows out of control.”

Erica Michiels, MD, a white physician, compares issues with racism to violence against women. Women can’t change cultural standards for men’s behavior on their own.

“It takes men and women together to solve the problem,” she said.

Likewise, to right the wrongs of racism, “white people have to be part of the solution,” said Dr. Michiels, an emergency medicine specialist at Spectrum Health Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital.

“How can we say to people who have been treated inequitably for hundreds of years, ‘OK, now this is your problem. You have to solve it’? We have to get everyone to the table to solve this problem.”

Nastaciea Robert, Spectrum Health’s director of contact center services, recalls an uncomfortable encounter with a white co-worker.

When Robert wore a new dress one day, the other woman complimented her enthusiastically. But she quickly added an insult—making it clear that while she liked the dress, she did not approve of Robert’s natural hairstyle.

Robert responded with education, explaining to the woman the cultural importance of hair in the Black and brown community.

But she added, “It was pretty traumatic at first. It really felt like she was trying to suppress my identity.”

When situations like that occur, allies can help by speaking out, she said, so a person of color does not have to take a stand alone.

“What would be extremely helpful is really being courageous. Speak the unpopular truth. Stand against it,” she said. “If it’s in your gut and you know it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t sound right, even if it doesn’t look right, it’s likely not right.”

But such open discussions about race and racism make many white people uncomfortable.

An awkward conversation

Kendall Hamilton, MD, waited for his 2 p.m. appointment, a man with a bad knee injury. From his notes, he knew the man would need surgery and pain medication.

When 20 minutes passed and the patient still hadn’t arrived, he asked the athletic trainers in the office if the appointment had been canceled.

They just said, “Don’t worry about it,” Dr. Hamilton recalled.

But he did worry. He felt a responsibility to make sure his patient received help in a timely manner.

After some back-and-forth questions and vague answers, Dr. Hamilton learned what happened. When the patient arrived at the office, he looked at an informational card about Dr. Hamilton, which included his background and a photo.

He told the athletic trainer: “I’m sorry. I’m a racist. I will not see a Black doctor.”

The trainer explained that Dr. Hamilton is a highly qualified surgeon trained in orthopedic sports medicine. His resume includes work as a team physician for the Houston Astros and NASA. He performs about 600 surgeries a year.

Still, the man refused to see him, wanting to instead wait to see one of his white colleagues.

Dr. Hamilton believes his team tried to shield him from the patient’s racist attitude because they didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And they felt uncomfortable talking about it.

“They had never seen racism happen like that,” he said.

But brushing the issue aside only allows racism to go unchallenged.

He told the team members: “We are not going to accept discrimination. We are not going to accept prejudice in any of its forms.”

Will we ever get rid of racism? No, we are human. But we can make this a more welcoming society.

Dr. Lisa Lowery

Dr. Hamilton contacted Spectrum Health leadership and legal experts to clarify Spectrum Health’s policy protecting employees from discrimination.

Team members then informed the patient he could not choose his doctor by race. And the man left the office.

Dr. Hamilton also arranged for the staff to receive training on how to handle similar situations in the future.

Three years later, Dr. Hamilton said, “I know if I would encounter a situation like that, I would not have to initiate the support I need. I know our organization would step up and step in.

“We have a long way to go, don’t get me wrong. But now we have made a stand.”

Followed in a store

When Candace Smith-King, MD, puts on her white coat and walks through the halls of Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital, she feels respected—as a pediatrician and as Spectrum Health’s vice president of academic affairs.

“But the minute I leave the hospital, the respect is gone,” she said.

Dr. Smith-King, who has four children, recently shopped at a local store for treats for her child’s birthday party. As she went through the aisles with a basket of trinkets, she realized she was being followed. Clearly, security suspected her of shoplifting.

“It kind of broke my heart,” she said. “But I didn’t want to let (my kids) know that I was being followed around.”

Encounters like that make her wonder how the community views her and other Black women.

“Do they just assume I am a single Black woman with multiple kids who can’t afford to take care of them?” she asked. “Because I feel that’s the lens (with which) the media portrays Black women.”

She tries to keep calm, not just for her kids, but to avoid playing into the stereotype of “an angry Black woman.” But keeping a lid on emotions only exacerbates the stress caused by stereotypes and negative assumptions.

“The stress of always having to feel like I am representing me and my race is heavy,” she said. “You have good and bad people in all shapes and colors. But negative things are connected to Black people in a way that they are not with other races.”

Chronic stress affects health. A long-term increase in stress hormones, such as cortisol, is linked to high blood pressure, insulin resistance, cardiovascular disease, as well as mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.

And Dr. Smith-King believes the stress caused by racism contributes to health conditions that disproportionately affect the Black community.

“There is no (medical) code for racism, but you can’t tell me that high blood pressure and stressful chronic conditions don’t have something to do with the pressure I feel being Black every day, that is boiling in my blood all the time,” she said.

That only intensifies when traumatic incidents occur, such as the killings of Ahmaud Arbery in Georgia, Breonna Taylor in Kentucky and George Floyd in Minneapolis.

“Every Black person is wondering, when is this going to be me?” Dr. Smith-King said. “When is this going to be my son? When will this be my daughter? My husband?”

In the outcry over Floyd’s death, in the diversity seen in the marches held around the country, Dr. Smith-King sees a growing awareness in the general population about racial injustice and a willingness to work toward solutions.

In conversations with white friends, she sees them connecting the dots—from the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow and segregation to the war on drugs and racial disparity in the criminal justice system—and how it all adds up to the disease of systemic racism.

“It’s almost like an awakening to the history of our country,” she said.

Why did Floyd’s death, rather than the others that came before, become that catalyst for change? Dr. Smith-King believes timing may have played a role. With the COVID-19 pandemic, society slowed down, people stayed home and pulled closer together, protecting loved ones from an unknown and highly contagious virus.

“I think the pandemic allowed us to feel the pain,” she said. “It allowed people to be vulnerable and to be open.”

Dr. Smith-King grew up in Grand Rapids and has a wide network of support, including her parents, friends and her church community. But she understands how difficult it can be for medical professionals new to the West Michigan area.

As a community, she said, “We need to be more welcoming and diverse.”

Diversity in health care

Nationwide, Black doctors are underrepresented in medicine. They account for 13%  of the population, but only 5% of physicians, according to the Association of American Medical Colleges.

The number of Black doctors has increased in recent years, with most of the gains made by Black women, Dr. Smith-King said.

In 1978, there were 542 black male students enrolled in MD-granting medical schools. That number dropped to 515 in 2014, the Association of American Medical Colleges reports.

“In 2020, we are only up to 550,” said Dr. Smith-King.

And yet diversifying the health care workforce is crucial to creating trust with patients, solving racial and ethnic disparities in health and a healthier population in general, Dr. Michiels shared.

“There is great evidence that a diverse workforce produces better health care results than a non-diverse workforce,” she said. “Not only do you deliver a better product, but you deliver it at a lower cost.”

There is a history of racism in medicine, of Black people not being treated fairly.

Dr. Renee (Constance) Jordan

Hankondo Sibalwa, a nurse who immigrated from Zambia, once worked as a licensed practical nurse in a pediatric clinic—and was the only Black male health care provider on staff.

One day, a mother asked him to speak to her son, an African-American teenager, about the importance of education. Sibalwa advised the young man to go to Grand Rapids Community College after high school.

“Check it out. See if it’s for you,” he said.

A few years later, Sibalwa attended GRCC himself, studying to become a registered nurse. As he walked across campus one day, a young man called out to him. It was the teenager Sibalwa had advised several years earlier.

“I’m here because of you,” the young man said.

Sibalwa’s words carried weight, in part because his teenage patient could see him as a role model. That one example underscores the need for diversity in a health care workforce that matches the diversity of the community, he said.

“There is a history of racism in medicine, of Black people not being treated fairly,” said Renee (Constance) Jordan, MD, a pediatrician who just completed a fellowship at Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital.

Numerous studies have documented racial bias in medicine that affects the medical treatments received by people of color, reports the National Academy of Medicine.

When Dr. Jordan walks into a hospital room to care for a Black child, she often sees surprise on the faces of the child and parents.

“Their eyes light up,” she said. “Sometimes there’s even tears or a huge sigh of relief.”

She can see them thinking, “Is this real? Is a doctor who looks like me taking care of me?”

She understands their reaction. At times, she has seen the concerns of Black patients dismissed by medical staff.

In the emergency department, she once saw a mother who pushed for answers about her daughter’s symptoms be dismissed by other staff as an “angry Black woman.”

And yet when Dr. Jordan met with the woman and listened to her concerns, the woman’s anger turned to tears.

As Dr. Jordan discussed the medical issue in detail with the mother, she uncovered concerns for a worsening diagnosis. She arranged for urgent specialty follow-up care that the girl needed.

Dr. Jordan made a connection with the woman when her white colleagues could not.

“To be fair, (the mom) was a little feisty,” Dr. Jordan said. “And one reason she let her guard down was because I looked like her.”

Still, she said, the incident left her shaken, because she could see cultural bias at work.

“For another mom, they might say, ‘She’s having the worst day of her life.’ There is more patience to work through that,” she said. “I think a lot of times, Black moms get written off.”

The incident did lead to positive change.

Dr. Jordan contacted Dr. Smith-King, who at the time was the program director for her residency. Together, they brought the issue to Dr. Michiels, co-director of the emergency department.

“She was amazing, wonderful,” Dr. Jordan said. “She was the perfect ally. She asked, ‘What can we do as an emergency department to be more culturally competent?'”

Recruit and support

Jeri Kessenich, MD, sees a growing recognition in health care of the need to diversify the medical team—and to support doctors and other medical professionals of color.

As director of the pediatric hospital medicine fellowship, she particularly worries about how racism and microagressions affect interns, residents and fellows. She hears their stories about minority physicians being dismissed and overlooked, as patients or families ask to see a “real doctor.”

It adds extra stress to what already is a stressful time for new doctors, as they learn vast amounts of academic material, how to relate to patients and how to navigate the hospital system.

As a white physician, she has learned she can play a role in setting them up for success. She makes clear to patients and families that the residents are physicians and respected members of their medical care team.

It’s important to send the message: “We have people of different genders, ages, races and cultural beliefs, and we put our faith in all of them as team members,” she said.

That will require a genuine openness, understanding and respect from the medical team—and not just surface-level politeness, Dr. Lowery said.

“There is this culture that is often called ‘West Michigan nice.’ I would call it ‘West Michigan passive-aggressive,'” she said.

In the broader community, Dr. Kessenich believes white people must speak out against racism.

“We need to be more vocal about being anti-racist,” she said. “We can have influence in our community and as leaders of our own families. Silence, I think, means we condone what is going on.”

Making strides

In her leadership role, Dr. Smith-King often is the only person of color at the table for leadership meetings. But that is changing, she said.

“There are a lot of efforts being put in place at Spectrum Health—and I think at a lot of other institutions across the country—to support people of color and to diversify (leadership),” she said.

“There are people I can lean on who look like me, who can mentor me, which is one of the blessings of being at an institution that is trying to make a difference.”

Diversifying leadership can have an impact throughout the organization.

Erika Stevenson, a medical assistant, recalls an unsettling experience when she worked in a hospital clinic.

For years, she enjoyed a warm relationship with patients and their families, as well as a good rapport with colleagues at work. But after a physician cited her for being “stand-offish,” she felt she came under intense scrutiny.

She hesitated to say for certain that it was because of racism. But she could not understand why she was constantly criticized for minor issues—ones that were never raised with her white colleagues.

“I felt like I was on pins and needles every day,” she said. “I felt like nobody was on my side.”

It helped to share her concerns with two Black physicians, Dr. Smith-King and Dr. Lowery, and to have their support.

“It definitely made me more comfortable having Dr. Lowery or Dr. Smith-King present during any discussions with my (manager),” Stevenson said.

Stevenson, who has since taken a new position in Sleep Medicine, praised the open way Spectrum Health addressed racism during a “Day of Understanding” on June 19. She found encouragement in the open discussions about race and equity.

“Our office announced the doors were open if any of us had a concern we wanted to talk about,” she said. “I think that was a great thing.”

For Dr. Lowery, the visible and vocal support that has emerged in recent weeks makes her “optimistically hopeful.”

“Will we ever get rid of racism? No, we are human,” she said. “But we can make this a more welcoming society.”

To make that happen requires commitment to change—and to keep values of diversity, equity and inclusion top of mind, said Alejandro Quiroga, MD, Spectrum Health’s senior vice president for population health.

“We need to be vigilant,” he said. “We have to hold each other accountable, that we deem this important and we keep working on this.”

‘This extra burden’ published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[newsfundastuff]

TORONTO — Fred VanVleet says people in the United States are reaching a boiling point after hundreds of years of racism.The Toronto Raptors guard was asked Monday what he thought of the protests happening in major cities across the United States following the death of George Floyd in Minneapolis. He was killed after a police officer held his knee on Floyd's neck for several minutes and ignored his cries of distress."It's really unfortunate, but what's even more unfortunate is I think we've seen this movie before, and I think people are tired," VanVleet said. "People are tired of the racism, and of discrimination and abuse."Unfortunately this man had to lose his life, but I think it was a boiling point and people are just fed up, and I think it's time for a change and everybody's seeing that."Floyd, a black man who was in handcuffs at the time, died after police officer Derek Chauvin, who is white, ignored bystander shouts to get off him and Floyd's cries that he couldn't breathe.An autopsy commissioned for Floyd's family found that Floyd of asphyxiation due to neck and back compression, the family's lawyers said Monday.Chauvin has been charged with third-degree murder and second-degree manslaughter.VanVleet's comments come a day after Raptors president Masai Ujiri said in a Globe and Mail column that conversations about racism can no longer be avoided."The curtains are being pulled back and you can see everything for what it is. See who stands where," VanVleet said from his home in Rockford, Ill."We're going to have to move forward through this eventually, but right now there's just a lot of emotion, and rightfully so. We're talking about hundreds of years of pain and suffering for an entire culture of people."Raptors swingman Norman Powell said he's "having a very tough time right now" in the wake of Floyd's death."Everybody's tired," Powell said Monday. "Everybody's tired of this discrimination, this racism that's been going on for . . . 400-plus years. And you're seeing that now. And I think the protests are rightfully so."The 27-year-old from San Diego, Calif., said while he was for the mass protests, he disagreed with the destruction and looting of businesses."Everybody's angry, everybody's responding off emotion," he said. "(But) the community is all rallying behind this cause, and the destruction of buildings and the stealing this, that and the other, you're kind of taking away a light that needs to be shone on the situation."So, the peaceful protests, and even if you're angry and you're shouting and you're voicing your opinion, that's great, but the destruction and things just kind of taking away from the grand scheme of things, it takes an extreme to bring a light to bring actual true progress. And hopefully with all of this, we're able to actually take some big leaps and strides to a resolution to this."Raptors' veteran point guard Kyle Lowry said in a statement posted on the Raptors' Twitter feed that he is worried for his two sons."How can I explain to my four-year-old and eight-year-old that being black in America comes with a chance you can be harmed or killed just because of the colour of your skin, the texture of your hair, the way you walk, anything they might want to say that makes you black," Lowry said."It's sad because I can't explain it. I will protect them until the day I die the best I can, but it's going to be a time when I'm not there to take the fall for them so I'm trying to find a way to say just survive."VanVleet said major changes are necessary to begin to address imbalances in racial equality."It's big steps. Nothing small is going to fix this, he said. "I think the system that's in place is not for us, it's not for everybody, it's for a specific set of people. Obviously there's ways to succeed in that system, but it's definitely not an even playing field. So there's a lot of things that need to be changed, whether it's laws or policies, or as you can see some police procedures that need to be updated. Guys need to be trained better."I don't have all the answers, obviously, but I think the first step is admitting that there is a real problem."Powell said he's received numerous texts and emails from people wanting to help. He encourages everyone to make their voices heard."Don't be afraid to speak up, don't be afraid to be the person that can affect change in the people around you," he said. "A lot of people see the prejudice and discrimination and racism that's going on and they don't agree with it, but they don't also speak up."So speak up, use your voice, use your platform, no matter what it is, doesn't matter how many followers you have, no matter what job you have. If you see wrong being done, that's where you can be the most effective. The more and more people who come out of the shadows of being shy and afraid and timid, of speaking their mind, the better this is going to be. And you see that now, with people all over and really coming together and saying enough is enough."Meanwhile, MLB's Toronto Blue Jays and the NHL's Montreal Canadiens released statements in support of the black community Monday, joining the many athletes and sports organizations that have done so over the last couple of days.This report by The Canadian Press was first published June 1, 2020.The Canadian Press

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