#whereas my God has emotions but on a perfect and holy level

[da-xiao-jie]

haven't posted about cdramas in a bit, but I've been burning through The Legend of Shen Li this week and while I've been enjoying the slower pace while plot threads gather in the background, the romantic aspect, the not so subtle discussion of fate and responsibility, etc. something popped up around EP 33ish and now I have to rant about it.

(Spoiler warning)

The biggest obstacle to Shen Li and Xing Zhi is the fact that He's a divine Immortal and as the last one left, he has a responsibility to protect the three realms without using his powers for selfish purposes.

At the same time, Xing Zhi is lonely and bored and utterly isolated by being the last of his kind so he's definitely a sympathetic character.

Right up until, having saved Shen Li and nursed her back to health, finally returning to the heavenly realm, Xing Zhi brings her to his realm and proceeds to basically imprison Shen Li there where she won't get hurt

and. like.

this is what gets me. the whole show builds up to this. Shen Li is engaged to someone else, but after leaving the human realm, she acknowledges her duty and tries to convince herself to focus on what her role ought to be. Xing Zhi on the other hand can't help but tease and fluster Shen Li, keeping her emotions entangled with him and keeping her from her duty. She calls him out on this and he tries to course correct several times only to fall back into bad habits again later.

at the end of the day, Xing Zhi's love for Shen Li is selfish. he's lonely and bored and here comes this captivating woman who loves him! but when she matures a little and sees that she can't be with him for the sake of the world, she tries to back away and stay focused on her duty, to her realm, her soldiers, etc. And! without! fail! Xing Zhi drags her back. until finally, having recovered from torture and regaining her powers, she's determined to return to her realm and resume her responsibilities and see her people after being presumed dead and what does he do? he traps her. against her principles. why? to keep her forever for himself.

the most telling and frustrating thing is a conversation where Shen Li says, "this relationship isn't the sole reason for my existence." talking about how she loves him, wants to be with him, but also needs to be with and protect her people. to which Xing Zhi replies, "Not the sole reason, but a reason for your existence." So the audience is relieved for all of 10 seconds before, in response to Shen Li claiming that she is not his pet bird that he can't keep her in a cage, Xing Zhi proceeds to cage her.

I just—

I would root for them much more if there was some sense of duty on his part instead of him continually pulling her away from hers. Like, yeah it's unfair, we get that. However love is not selfish. It needs to be selfless or it just becomes possessive obsession.

i haven't finished yet. Still have 5-6 episodes to go, but I needed to rant for a sec

might post again about this one, but who knows?

[stitching-in-time]

Voyager rewatch s4 ep21: The Omega Directive

Lowkey disappointed they didn't call this one 'Borg Sees God'- but joking aside, this one was pretty solid.

The scary molecule that can destroy subspace and end warp travel forever is a neat idea, story wise, and definitely makes for some high stakes. (Though I'm not entirely clear if there was a difference in range between how much of subspace it destroys versus how much regular explosion it produces- they kept saying it could take out the whole quadrant, but the actual explosions that were seen and referenced seemed pretty small and not especially destructive, since there were still buildings intact and people alive afterward. Maybe it's the difference between one molecule versus lots of them? Or how they were being contained? Idk, I guess I'm splitting hairs, since the overall momentum of the story still worked.)

Mostly this was a vehicle for Seven of Nine to show a little more emotion as she gets caught up in her desire to see and harness the omega molecule, which the Borg consider perfect and regard as almost being divine. (Which makes a case that the Borg's quest for 'perfection' i.e. making everything like them, is actually a weird religious crusade. It's never explained how or why the Borg were created, but runaway religious extremism would absolutely make sense.)

And it's yet another vehicle for Seven and Janeway to clash, since Seven wants to keep the molecule and use it, whereas Janeway has to destroy it, per a Starfleet Directive. Thankfully Janeway never wavers in her resolve to destroy it, since she, unlike Seven, understands that risking billions of lives for some potential scientific discovery isn't acceptable. She makes it clear to Seven that she's the captain and it isn't Seven's place to debate it with her. She is sympathetic to Seven on a personal level though, since Seven is less combative and more desperate in this story. Seven looks close to tears in half of her scenes, and Jeri Ryan does a nice job of conveying a little more of Seven's humanity in her desire to attain her Borg holy grail.

Seven reluctantly accepts the Captain's orders, but keeps trying to come up with ways to stabilize and harness the molecule anyway. She creates a way to contain it so Voyager can beam it up and destroy it. Seven stays true to her word that she'll follow orders and not try to stabilize the molecules, but just before they destroy it, it starts to randomly stabilize by itself. Janeway still destroys it, but for a few seconds, Seven sees what she believes to be perfection.

Seven goes to Janeway's DaVinci holodeck program, hoping that she might find some clues to what her spiritual experience meant in a setting filled with human religious iconography. In the end, it's not really clear what she got out of it, but she seems to have found it meaningful. It's not particularly illuminating or life changing as far as her overall outlook or character arc, which I think would have been interesting to explore in further episodes, but Voyager wasn't usually great at following through with that sort of thing. In the end, I think it raised more questions about Seven's sense of identity and beliefs than it answered, but it wasn't unpleasant or uninteresting to watch, and at this point, not being awful is enough to make an episode good in my estimation.

Tl;dr: A character piece for Seven that had a cool sci-fi concept. While it doesn't really have much impact in the overall scheme of her character, it shows us an aspect of her we've never seen before, which Seven of Nine fans at least should appreciate mulling over.

[mysteriesofloves]

Have you written your thoughts on 4x12 because I would love to hear them?

not in full but i did go on a little tangent a bit ago where i said:

“penn and leighton play dialogue like it’s a tennis match in that first scene and i eat it up every time i watch. blair fell first, but like, specifically in the moment when he calls her a dictator of taste. they’re not friends and he already knows her better than she knows herself? what’s that about? (it’s about her insecurities and dan seeing past them. that’s what it’s about).”

when dan shows up at the penthouse blair, without hesitation, assumes he’s there for her, and when he says that he’s actually there for serena, there’s like. a beat where she’s genuinely disappointed and then she throws it back in his face. serena isn’t there to see him, and she won’t be, and he’ll miss his interview waiting for her to throw one glance at him over her shoulder, the way he always has. he says that whatever scheme blair is plotting is going to backfire. and here’s the thing! they’re both completely right - but it has nothing to do with prediction and everything to do with the fact that they know each other better than they know themselves.

“they’re all good men before something happens to them. some of them stay good, no matter how they’re treated” is, holy shit, a god tier line. she backtracks here by saying she does hate dan, but “whatever you see in him he seems to see in you as well” but... isn’t this exactly what serena sees in him? isn’t this, on a completely shallow level, the appeal of dan? he’s still there, after everything, loyal and willing and ready to please. and good. in 5.14 when dan says “i’ve been there for you completely and without question and you still treat me like crap”. it’s this perfect, and probably unintentional, connection - blair is reprimanding serena for this, and one season later is doing the same thing. and dan is still good.

blair does not want to be her mother, and can you blame her? eleanor was cold and controlling and sometimes downright cruel. when she says “i wouldn’t want someone like you wanting to be like me” blair’s pain is almost palpable. because she didn’t get like that on her own - she is a product of her environment, a product of eleanor (which eleanor comes to be self-aware of by the end of the episode, and calls blair “self-respecting” for not wanting to be like her). but what i love is when blair tells dan this, he immediately separates the emotional significance from the thing itself. why deny that just because it’s what your mother does? which is to say, you don’t have to be your mother, you just have to be yourself, and not be so afraid about where those points line up.

the definitive cutting ties scene between dan and serena is really, really good. i love the way it’s shot, both characters completely level, mirroring each other, and how honest they both are, with each other and with themselves.

that scene at the coat check is maybe my favourite scene in the series because it’s absolutely the funniest to me - the line delievery and the reaction beats are perfect on the jokes - but it’s also so sweet. yet another tender aside! i love the framing of this one, so similar to the scene in 3.18, where they’re surrounded by all these people but still isolated together. and the matter here parallels 1.04 except this time, blair offers her problem up front, opens up with only light prompting, as always. again! dan is her checkpoint! her safe place! her center! i could choose like one minuscule moment from this scene and have a full breakdown over it: when she yells “coat check!” and he says “what’s wrong? it’s not the coat check” in the like, softest, lowest voice. (with this inflection that adds a silent “i know” before it’s). the way he retracts his arm after her “i’m sorry, are we friends?” because dan is aware of his body at all times and overthinks every little thing. no i’m not projecting. when he calls her evil but says it, like, tenderly. and with a soft smile.

as for the last scene, i’ll just direct you to this post, because i’d just be repeating the sentiment. the longing glances both when she sees him leaving the party and when she goes to change. blair fell first! also this is a little thing but i love how when serena sees dan she says “nice tie!” and when blair sees him she says “take off that tie and shove it in your pocket right now”. hilarious, but also serena probably doesn’t mean it, just diffusing the tension, whereas blair’s reaction is honest and upright. a nice little juxtaposition there.

[howtosingit]

YOUR ANALYSIS OF THE HUG JUST MADE ME SO HAPPY SO SO HAPPY I have a question for you now what do you think of TK grabbing Carlos’ hand because I just can’t GET OVER IT he’s so tentative but confident in his decision and then he places their intertwined fingers on his stomach AND CRADLES CARLOS’ HAND WITH HIS OWN IN HIS SWEATSHIRT POCKET?!?!?!? I’m so in love with these two they give us so much <3<3

Anon, bless you for appreciating that nearly 3,000-word diatribe about a moment that literally lasts for 2 seconds - a moment that I will truly never recover from, let’s be honest. I’m so glad that you love it too!

At the end of that post I mentioned the hand-holding moment in their final scene, but you’re totally right - I think that moment deserves its own post. This won’t be as long as the last one, since in a lot of ways the hand-holding moment is an extension of the things that are expressed in the hug moment, but I’ve definitely got some things to say!

So, the first thing to know about me: HAND-HOLDING. IS. MY. SHIT. 

I can’t pin-point exactly when that became my favorite form of intimacy, but I would wager a guess that Pride and Prejudice (2005) had a lot to do with it - this takes the cake as my favorite hand-holding moment, it is what it is. Also, just... hands. Things like this post that I came across this week just completely wreck my entire soul:

I think holding someone’s hand can be the most intimate and personal form of support and comfort. Like, think about it: it’s hard to subtly hug or kiss someone in a room of people; it’s really likely that someone would notice. But, holding someone’s hand? Linking pinkies? Knuckles brushing? “Palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss”?? It can be so quiet, so personal. Just for the two people involved.

Hand-holding can be private and gentle, it can be purposeful (let’s link hands so that I can guide you somewhere, or because we don’t want to get lost/separated) or just because you crave someone’s touch (see: the screenshot above). Hand-holding is an act so simple, so common, but it can speak volumes, and I honestly just cannot get enough of it. Every hand-holding moment that I get to witness will light me on fire because I truly am trash for intimacy and love.

So, here’s what I said about the hand-holding moment in my hug analysis post:

I honestly cannot wait for season 2. This hug and the final scene on the hood of Carlos’s car - with TK again making the move to embrace their relationship by physically reaching into Carlos’s space for his hand and dragging it into his own space, firmly opening the door to his heart to let him inside, while also settling Carlos’s hand between his own to let him know that he’s willing to protect him and his heart too - makes me believe that we are in for some truly wonderful romance with these boys. 

This scene, like the hug, took me completely by surprise. I would’ve definitely put money on this season ending with the breakup scene, and the possibility of their future up in the air until season 2. I am obviously SO GLAD that that is not what happened - plus, the final episode really does a great job of giving TK a full season arc, so it’s just better writing to include the moments with Carlos.

The above clip is 35-seconds long, so let’s see how many words it takes for me to break it down 😅

Right from the very beginning, I’m drawn to their body language. They are almost perfect mirror images of one another as they lay on top of the hood: outer legs are bent, with the foot flat. Inner legs are more elongated, though I can’t help but notice how Carlos’s right leg is bent towards TK (why is this scene so dark, it’s so hard to see, wah). They will continue to mirror each other in a lot of ways throughout the scene, which I’ll be sure to point out.

Like the hug scene before, they seem very casual, and as comfortable as a person can be on the hood of a car - blankets probably would’ve been nice, Carlos! 

However, I think there are subtle indications that they don’t have everything figured out - both of TK’s hands are hidden inside of his pocket and Carlos’s hand is more closed than open.

Again, for a person who loves them so much, I don’t spend a lot of time studying hand analysis, but I do know that hidden hands - in pockets, in gloves, behind your back, etc - has a lot of meaning. While I pointed out that Carlos seems to be positioned towards TK, TK is very much in his own space on the hood of the car. He’s still a little wary, maybe? Still a little unsure, possibly?

I think the concept of personal space is so interesting. A chunk of my hug analysis included the idea that Carlos was on the edge of TK’s space (the fire station), but refused to enter on his own, and that TK came to him and entered his space instead. They never actually enter the fire station together; they stay right there at the door, merging their spaces right on the edge of their own two worlds.

That’s why I think this scene is an extension of that physical conversation. Because this is the scene where we actually get to see TK fully invite Carlos into his space - basically dragging him there by the hand. By the end of this scene, there is no question in our minds where these two are going to go from here. We didn’t need Tim Minear to tell us that they are going to date next season, it’s completely obvious after this moment.

I’m getting ahead of myself. 

I also want to point out Carlos’s right hand at the beginning of the scene, since it gets a starring role later. Remember that at the end of the hug scene, his hands are open and flat on TK’s back, indicating that he was open and willingly vulnerable in that moment. Now, his hand is closed. Not clenched, not fisted, but definitely less open than before.

All of this to say, the hug was a moment of open and vulnerable physical connection between them, and this moment does not really start out that way. 

I think it’s because they both know they have things to talk about, and talking can kind of go either way with them. The last time they really talked on-screen, they “broke up,” so maybe now they’re a little uncertain how this is going to go, even though they both know that they want it. It’s like, being certain of the theory behind something, and then having to put it into practice; it can be scary.

So, Carlos makes a move and asks a question - “What are you thinking?”

Their bodies don’t move at all. There’s no rush, no hurry. They are certain about their physical connection, but that’s not what this moment is for them. It’s all about their words and thoughts, so their bodies stay out of it for now.

Mirror images: first line Carlos says, he’s looking up. First line TK says, he’s looking up. Second line Carlos says, he looks over at TK. Second line TK says, he looks over at Carlos. 

I just love when they look at each other. Love is so beautiful, y’all.

AND NOW WE GET TO THE HANDS.

TK pulls his left hand from his pocket - from where it’s protected, from where it’s hidden - and he breaks into Carlos’s space. Just like the hug scene was about TK coming towards Carlos, this is that same movement. TK comes to him again, almost like a reminder of what that hug meant.

I love that TK looks down to link his hands with Carlos’s, but Carlos keeps his eyes on TK’s face, almost like he’s still trying to read into his mind. He’s watching his face, trying to see through him, discover everything he might not be saying. This man is so soft, so observant and attentive, and my heart can’t handle it.

Carlos’s right hand might be slightly closed and facing away from TK, but that doesn’t stop him from grabbing it and linking their fingers together anyway. TK’s up to the challenge!

We won’t talk about the intimacy of where Carlos’s hand is resting, and how TK doesn’t even second-guess going there - BUT I KNOW YOU ALL SEE IT

(I mean, I will talk about it just to say that if there is one thing these two know about each other, it’s that they don’t hold back on a physical level, so why should TK?)

I. AM. OBSESSED. with the way TK’s fingers kind of wrap around and spider through Carlos’s fingers - it’s not a super easy feat, it takes some maneuvering, but he seems super determined.

Carlos definitely doesn’t fight him on it, his hand willingly opens and moves to make the linking possible/easier.

THERE IS THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT WHERE THEIR HANDS ARE MID-LINK AND THEY ARE BOTH LOOKING DOWN AT THEM AND I SWEAR TO GOD IT’S A RENAISSANCE PAINTING Y’ALL (SCREENSHOT BELOW) IT IS SO STUNNING. I AM STUNNED.

TK pulls Carlos’s hand into his lap, dropping it down softly onto of the pocket and, as you pointed out anon, right on top of his other hand

Their eyes immediately return to each other and the love??? is ICONIC???

But like, this is where this moment becomes an extension of the hug moemnt.

See, whereas that moment was TK entering Carlos’s space, this is TK saying “I want you with me, over here in my world, by my side, in my hands, I think it’s where you belong”

And not only that, but by cradling Carlos’s hand in-between his own, shielding it from the elements - I mean, looks back at the scene, Carlos’s hand is basically hidden - he’s also saying “I’m gonna protect you, and take care of you, if you let me. I don’t want to hurt you anymore”

Because I think TK knows this has all been hard on Carlos, the constant back-and-forth and uncertainly has left him really vulnerable.

And just like Carlos pressed both of his open hands to TK’s lower back during the hug to shield such a vulnerable area from harm, TK now shields Carlos from harm. Reassures him that he’s steady now. That he’s ready for them.

(Also the heart eyes at the end of this scene and the way TK definitely stares at Carlos’s mouth for a moment?? THESE TWO TOTALLY MADE OUT AFTER THIS.)

I AM A GLASS CASE OF SOFT EMOTIONS

Renaissance painting:

January 18th, I need you to get here, like, yesterday. I’m about to LOSE. IT.

[retrauxpunk]

sv 6.05

spoiler-filled recap post below the cut as per usual ~~~

i think i’m gonna maybe be starting every single recap post with

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK 

there’s only two episodes LEFT? OF THE SHOW?

also

OH MY GOD

FUCK

part way through this i was like ‘oh this feels like a happy good/nice episode!!’ the way 6.03 (hooli smokes) was!! where there was conflict but it wouldn’t fucking kick you in the teeth (like 6.04 with ethan and jared’s problems etc)

but then I started thinking, oh they’re gonna maybe do the classic sv thing of everything being fine and then in the last 5 minutes or some shit it goes horrifically wrong?

yeah FUCK

FUCK

?????????????????????????

my thoughts are all over the place so this recap won’t be like super chronological necessarily mmm........

how did the episode even start? oh yeah, russfest. god i was laughing out loud to myself during russ’s mad max sequence because it was SO over the top i was just like what is happening

how much of the budget went into russ’s ad!!! jesus

i enjoyed gilfoyle and monica’s camaraderie in the episode.

also during the meeting with those two and tracy, half of all i could think about was just how hot gilfoyle is. that voice. the hair/beard. the unsettling stare. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

(i listened to Martin Starr’s interview on the Talk Easy podcast and it’s very unsettling at first because his gilfoyle voice is just .........his voice. the same.)

anyway yes gilfoyle is Fine

social engineering!! at first i thought he was just just being some kind of poser but it WAS social engineering! fuck!! nicely done gilf

poor tracy, trying to do her job........ gilfoyle’s such a fucking chaos unit omg

DINESH! poor dinesh. i feel sorry for him because he suffered magnificently bad luck but also............. he was being a dick with the lei hahahha so like. big karmic retribution.

i notice that for so much of this episode, he’s not with the rest of them ... i wonder if that has anything to do with kumail nanjiani’s schedule

..........HOLDEN AND JARED? WHAT THE FUCK?

WHY IS JARED BEING SUCH A CREEPTASTIC MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THE FUCK i ................................don’t........i don’t think i .....like this........ but it is interesting. i hope it goes somewhere. but where exactly it could go, in a satisfying manner, with two episodes left is ...... ehh.

oh well even if this ends up just being an unresolved garbage pile, the show was overall still very good if a bit patchy at times, i mean, i guess i shouldn’t expect it to be perfect (we can’t all be ... breaking bad or bojack horseman ...)

SPEAKING OF UNRESOLVED GARBAGE PILE.

WHAT’S UP WITH THE COMPLETE NON-JARRICH IN THIS EPISODE. THERE WAS SO MUCH OF IT IN THE FIRST FOUR AND IN THIS ONE THEY KIND OF JUST. NEVER SHOWED ANY OF IT?

no time spent on those two’s relationship? (except in the form of jared being a posessive creepy asshole @ holden) ............. no scene in which they address his quitting, his coming back -- what is his role exactly?

i guess they had other stuff to fit into the episode

BUT COME ON THEY SPENT A SIZEABLE CHUNK OF IT ON THE COMEDIC MONICA/GILFOYLE VS TRACY SUBPLOT they clearly didn’t not have the time.

..........................................i swear to god if they completely drop the richard/jared plot and never do anything with their relationship beyond what we’ve seen so far as of 6.05 i’m gonna fucking implode

into a neutron star of impotent rage

holy shit

YOU CAN’T FUCKING HAVE THAT MUCH SETUP AND EMOTION AND THEN HAVE IT GO FUCKING NOWHERE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

ok i’m gonna save the preemptive rage ............ and hope i never have cause to release it again.

two more episoded two more episodes!!

FUCKING gavin belson!!!!!!!!! WHY WON’T HE GO AWAY WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM FUCK THIS ASSHOLE

thumbass

i swear to god when richard said to jared ‘thumbass’ and jared paused for a bit before laughing obligatorily ...... that pause was the First Moment when he Truly Doubted his devotion/admiration/love for richard

just for a fraction of a second a few neurons in his brain were like ‘this is the guy you think is a genius? ...................ok dude’

anyway back to gavin belson

TETHICS?

this is hilarious for many reasons but also because at one point me and some friends made a joke about jeff bezos doing meth and someone called it ‘jeff meth’ and i then of course called it ‘jeth’

so to me tethics is like a weird surprise cousin of my own joke (sharing with it the traits of: unpleasant silicon valley tech billionaire, horrible awkward portmanteau, the ‘eth’ syllable...)

FUCK gavin belson!!!!!!

?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

RICHARD!! WHY DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR DISCOVERY OF HIS PLAGIARISM

WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST EXPOSE HIM DURING YOUR SPEECH

sure maybe he’d then do his disingenuous confession / call an attorney general investigation thing anyway but ... god idk i guess i imagine that if richard had exposed gavin’s plagiarism publically before telling gavin he was onto him, he might be too thrown to do anything ............... but i suppose maybe the investigation would’ve happened anway ....... okay this makes me feel slightly better

UUUUUUGH POOR RICHARD poor pied piper

*batman voice* i’m richard hendricks

anyway

when richard was talking to ron in his office and slumped down in his desk (right before he says that pied piper’s dead), i feel like in that moment richard could plausibly just for a second have been considering having gavin belson just fucking assassinated

RUSS HANNEMAN

of course he’d come back, they wouldn’t have him in the opening scene just to be irrelevant to the rest of the show/episode

okay i really liked that russ gave richard an out? 

and the scene was comedically good

but part of me just couldn’t stop wondering what on earth those ‘horrible crimes’ were ... that you can have photo evidence of ..... like i’m guessing it’s not going to be something like child sex trafficking or something because i suspect richard would’ve been a lot more ruffled if it were something to that level

and then i’m like, well, what was it then? i guess they’re hinting at a debauched sex thing because, y’know, it’s russ. but now i’m like, what kind of sex thing could it be that it’s 1) illegal, 2) viscerally gross, 3) but not so morally reprehensible that richard is any more disturbed than he was in that scene which was .. not that disturbed

maybe it was some kind of arson or illegal poaching thing

anyway i recognise the point of this device is to never reveal what it is and have our minds go crazy, and it’s succeeded because i’m an obsessive neurotic

yeah i’m gonna headcanon gross poaching or something

the scene in the end of them in the desert .......... makes me think of breaking bad

that’s the second ending scene that was reminiscent of breaking bad (the first being the birds dying at maximo’s window. that was reminiscent in the whole thing, whereas this was only reminiscent aesthetically)

i think 6.02 made me feel actually insanely bugged out what with maximo... and 6.04 made me feel bad because of all the unfortunate shit that was happening for everyone ...

6.01 shocked me with how FUCKING jarrich it was, and 6.03 had me euphoric because it was so fucking thrilling and victorious

and what of this episode, 6.05? how does it make me feel?

it makes me want to watch the next two episodes!!!

i am a bit miffed about the complete lack of any kind of jarrich content given how MUCH of it there was in the first four eps, i am not really liking what they’re doing with jared and holden (though i don’t hate it enough to keep talking about it beyond this sentence), and i ..................... wonder what’s gonna happen next with russfest and pied piper o__o

my hope that jarrich may become canon has just, like, gone down by three quarters lol

it feels very much like the first five seasons now, i.e. it ain’t gonna happen

and that’s OKAY so long as they do SOMETHING GOOD with their relationship!! DON’T JUST NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN PLEASE

really kinda o_____o about how the series is gonna end.

TWO MORE EPISODES?

[shutupvan]

Detach

This is going to be a long one, a rambling one. I’m in introverted, introspection mode, so I am not discussing this with anyone, so instead it will go here.

I am so, so ill at the moment. What I believed yesterday was a sore throat and fatigue due to the toll of the wedding has turned into a very bad bout of the flu - courtesy of my dad. I realised that the word flu is just a soft nickname for influenza, in order to allay the fears of hypochondriacs like me and my mother.

I tend to stomatize my psychological issues physically when I refuse to deal with them, so its tempting to think my immunity buckled under the many stifled tears that have leaked out of me this week. I am simultaneously starving and rolling with nausea, struggling to keep food down but also gnawing with hunger, a condition that describes my own neurotic mindset. But truly, I am reading into this too much. My body is exhausted from the tears, from the emotional drain, from the long seventeen hour day that consisted of Jessica’s wedding, and I fell prey to my dad’s flu.

I am still going to write about what I am going through because it needs a little word processing. I am experiencing a radical level of dissociation right now. It’s tripping me out, confounding my universe. It’s the first time I have pegged the word to symptoms I have had since I was a child - the long blank spells, foggy memory, the daydreams that whisk me away and make me forget where my feet are.

More despairingly, it is the word that describes my life-long disconnect with my body - the feeding ground of my body dysmorphia, my previous eating disorder, my years of self mutilation, this strange sense that I am not supposed to be inside this body at all. That I should flit around, just spirit and mind, that I should be untouchable. I have struggled and wrestled with this body, oh God, I owe it so many apologies. I have done some really horrible things to it, which I can’t even disclose here. Cutting really was the least creative way I hurt myself.

My memories of being fifteen are almost an impossible smudge, but I remember with clarity that the first time I cut - I was in the study at my old house, I used a pair of scissors, I was filled with trepidation and desperation - that it was due to what I now understand as my tendency to disassociate. I was just so numb and disconnected with my reality that I felt like I was losing touch and couldn’t stay grounded. That makes me sound weak willed. Honestly, I think it was the only period of my life where cutting was used as a measure of keeping my feet on the ground. Like, oh, that hurt, oh, I’m bleeding, oh this body is mine and I can control the damage done and I’m bleeding so it must be real. I never expected self mutilation to become my go to - I started to use it to punish myself, to reprimand myself whenever I felt I was falling short. I sometimes used it when I felt like I couldn’t cope with whatever emotions I was dealing with - guilt, fury, worthlessness. Always, if someone hurt me, I would have to hurt myself so that I took back control. I had the final say over how much pain I get to experience. And all of these reasons were enmeshed together, feeding into each other, never just one reason. It’s like a slap to the face, but better. A wake up call.

I remember once (what year was I in? Maybe year nine, maybe younger? They all blend together) that I turned to Rose Freeburn outside the gym and confided with her, “I am a really bad Christian.” And she blustered at this admission, not understanding or accepting what I meant (she was flirting with faith at the time, only to abandon it much later, whereas I was grasping at it like a life buoy that was too slippery for my fingers.) She told me I wasn’t, but some deep part of me knew that I shouldn’t be ruining my body to survive in it. I was supposed to be holy, I was supposed to be a temple, I was supposed to lean on Jesus, but that seemed impossible, insurmountable. Jesus gave me his body and blood, and here I was destroying my body, spilling my blood, and for what? I knew that Jesus did not want my self directed punishments, but I couldn’t give them up. They made my world feel right. Truthfully, I am a really bad Christian, but I say that with relief, with a call for mercy, not with a desire to admonish myself.

I did something recently - I really let my values down, I really let my head go somewhere that I knew would poison me and I almost sold myself out. The self betrayal, the self betrayal, how it sears me. Even though I went there in my head, it’s like it already happened. I can’t trust my body now. I don’t want to be touched, to have it touched. I can’t touch myself. I can’t look at my body and see it as my own. I feel like I desecrated something that I took years to reclaim, like I smashed the icons, trod on the myrrh. It has been the most palpable level of disassociation I have had in years - and I didn’t have the hindsight and introspection last time this happened to understand it. It’s the numbness, the introverted retreat. Retreating into my brain and pushing my body down, fingers splayed and smothering it so I don’t have to deal with it. It’s actually the most amazing, strangest feeling. I will get undressed to shower and as soon as I see my bare breasts, or see the bones in my hips, or the smallness of my waist, I no longer pause for appraisal but just disengage, swiftly look away, as if I’ve caught somebody else naked. I am embarrassed. I get dressed with my back to the mirror, careful not to look at myself. I shower without ever looking down. I don’t exist.

The moment anything threatens that - if I think it, or I look at myself, or I touch my body too tenderly - I feel a revolt of emotions. I feel that sudden press of a thousand hands. So I retreat further away from the din, I retreat so that I am more detached, more numb, more blank. That is easier, because if I dealt with any of it yet - if I gave what I have thought and felt its words - then I would need to cut. I know I would need to cut and I refuse to cut again, another tally mark scar on my hips or thighs like a count of all my fuck ups. No, no, no, no. I refuse, I have already given in once this year and if I give in twice then I’ll have to do it again and again so no. I will retreat and retreat until I am unreachable to everyone including myself.

The danger is, looking back to that night in the study as a fifteen year old, hovering with the pair of scissors splayed open, is that if I disassociate too much, and I become too numb, I will have to cut then too. Or do something to shake me up. Boiling water, maybe. But I will do something then, because otherwise I’ll never wake up out of it. So I have to be so, so careful. Like walking a tightrope without a net. It doesn’t matter which side I fall off, I will get hurt either way.

Do you know what would be perfect for this? Driving to a flat plane where the sky stretches in every direction and I can watch both a sunrise and sunset without anyone anywhere near me. I want to be so alone, so isolated.

I deactivated instagram and facebook yesterday - I wanted to do it earlier, but I promised Jessica I would insta-story her wedding so I did it the day after. It is a part of my plan to be unreachable, to now exist without the eyes of people I know surveying me. I’m cancelling tutoring tomorrow, courtesy of being sick, although my relatives from Greece are moving in to our house tomorrow, which means a retreat is even harder. I may just stay inside my bedroom all day. Retreat, retreat, retreat.  

The beautiful thing is that last time I was like this, I never understood what this all meant. Perhaps its courtesy of being an INFJ that I have always internalised to the point of self infliction, that I get so lost inside my head. Sometimes my head is a wonderland, sometimes it is a descent into Dante’s inferno. It’s okay either way. Now that I have made the decision to retreat from everything, I feel so incredibly liberated. I honestly am okay, no need to fret. I am just teetering on the tight rope, but there’s no audience! So there’s no pressure to perform for a peanut crunching crowd.

[sixmorningsafter]

15 Review

I didn’t know how to start this review. Then you posted your character trailer and I was struck by how much this fic has evolved from the original 2-minute trailer. It started out as a fluffy rom com type fic and now it is a story of depth, of feeling and of growth. Sure, your humour balances out the angst, but what blows me away is the affection all your readers have for your characters even if the canon version leaves them cold. There are still times when I want to smack them around the head for being dumb (quite a lot in this chapter!), but I am still rooting so hard for all 4 of them to get a HEA (actually 5 including Kai).

Ahhhhh, Janet, my sun and stars! Sorry for taking a bit to reply to this - I was trying to get 16 cranked out (lmao as you well know) and I was putting off delving back into my asks until I did. Now that the chapter’s up and kind of terrifyingly out there, I can finally get to answering this glorious, lovely review, and I’m going to start with getting real emotional over everything you said about the fic’s development. I think I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I’ve always been aiming for a kind of Breakfast Club effect with this story where it starts out with a bunch of surface-level stereotypes for characters, gets them stuck somewhere, and then uses that idle time to dig past the labels and see what makes them human. Obviously SMA has gone way off the rails and is way more shippy and tropey than TBC, lmao, but it makes me so happy to hear that you feel like it’s transcended the raunchy romcom premise. It’s been a gradual but deliberate effort on my end and it gives me hella feels to know it’s working.

Can I just say how much I love the fact you started and ended it with Stefan’s POV? That end scene where he can’t help but be a little bit Nicholas Sparks (Stefan “King of Cheese” Salvatore knows who he is, but not Sia ha ha) and Caroline surprises him with the hot chocolate – aww. I also adored Ms Cuddles and Caroline having a ‘chat’ about Stefan – that was a really beautiful note, the parallel of Caroline softening towards both the cat and Stefan. In fact, the cat is basically a metaphor for Stefan, right? Caroline’s reaction annoyed me initially, I can’t lie, but her gradual rationalisation of her behaviour was really interesting and her thoughts on how it affected Stefan showed her to be compassionate and sweet. An interesting point was that Stefan felt that he lost control completely of the sex, intimacy situation, whereas Caroline describes him as ‘always having one foot on the floor, checking in’ – I’m not sure why I liked that so much, but I did. I love the tease for chapter 16 where these idiots actually talk to each other. There’s a line where Stefan talks (in his head) about him (or indeed anyone) not being worth that much angst and about watching her flicker from afar, both of which I loved because it showed just what a caring chap Stefan is.

Italicized the bit above because I’m so happy you caught that! It was one of those dissonant things I tried to sneak in to remind people that literally no one’s narration in this fic is objective, you know? Like Stefan’s sitting there feeling lowkey guilty because there was a moment he knew he probably should’ve pulled back but didn’t, and then later on Caroline’s thinking about how safe she felt because he never seemed to lose himself completely. I think on a backstory note, too, it gives a some indirect insight into Maroline and just how out of control Matt could get that by comparison, Stefan losing control felt like total safety to her. 

ANYWAY, that bit aside (I love how you catch those little things, btw), cat’s totally a metaphor for Stefan. To me anyway. I don’t think Stefan directly intended the parallel but this cheesy af author did 👍 And yeah, at their core, Caroline and Stefan are both giant cheese balls who are just trying to figure out what to do with their abundance of scary feelings. I think it’s good that Caroline’s reaction annoyed you, tbh, because it was supposed to be a last straw kind of thing. Not necessarily even for Stefan, but just for her. She gets sick of her own shit, which you probably get more of a sense for in 16 than 15. It’s kind of her breaking point. She’s like ‘holy shit enough this is exhausting’. So I think it’s good for you, as the reader, to also be exhausted with her, because she’s pretty much feeling the same way. 

(Aside: jeez the way you wrote the Steroline sex scene was perfect, not graphic or squirmy, but really hot. I now can’t wait to see what you do with Bamon! Things gonna get weird – I know it!)

I literally just figured out how Bamon’s going to go down (like locked it down in my head) and honestly. Weirdly feelsy. But also very hot and them, I think. Bonnie’s profession might factor in. But gah, thanks so much for the feedback on the SC scene! That was like my first time writing a sex scene in a fic (not because I’m anti-sex scene I just usually don’t make it that far in, looooool) so I’m so glad it wasn’t a disaster!

The ship stuff is great in this chapter, but I thought I was going to miss the friendship stuff. I didn’t because of all the cute references to the friendships that you put in. Damon doing his lovesick idiot impression AKA imitating Stefan – LOL! Damon referring to Stefan taking Bonnie to court for flamingo hate crimes - I nearly died at that little exchange. I also liked the parallel of Bonnie telling Damon about the Stefonnie V-day standoff (“yellow sucks and you’re a bad friend” WTF Bonnie? Baby love sick puppy Stefan - priceless) and Steroline chatting about Bonnie’s insane diet as a way of bonding (Stefan’s a feeder, his go-to strategy to smooth things over = food, head canon this was his major way of coping with his sisters and Bonnie’s mood swings). Bonnie is like the lynch pin in this fic and I bloody love it. The parallel of Caroline and Bonnie trying to get over Stefan and Damon by using extreme physical contact as a method of desensitisation. LOL like that was ever going to work - dumbos!

Aren’t they the stupidest human beings, though? Like do you understand how often I write literally any part of this fic and have to stop, stare the screen, and go ‘WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DUMB’. Like yeah, Caroline, riding Stefan in the middle of a dark living room till neither of you can think straight is definitely going to make you less into him. Obviously. How could that backfire? Yeah Bonnie, dragging a flirty Damon to a tiny little stairwell to bitch at him is obviously not going to lead to anything you don’t want happening. How could it? It’s so foolproof? They’re stupid. Anyway, lmao, love love love that all the brotp references could keep you afloat with the friendships this chapter, and love all the parallels you picked up on. I’m not going to lie, I miss writing ensemble scenes so friggin’ much, to the point where I’m a little sad 16 had to get split before I hit the group bits, but I can’t wait to get back to that. I can’t wait to get back to crowded mornings and furtive looks and smug comments and chaotic bursts of activity - it always happens whenever I have long night time scenes. I’m like ready for the reset of a new, bustling morning, and a large part of it is because of the brotp potential, so I’m super happy that part’s important to you, too!

Now for Kai. His cyber stalking, 6 ovens and secret room made me laugh in a somewhat anxious way, although I too aim for my Christmas decorations to involve a miniature train set up #lifegoals #weareallalittlebitkai. I get that Bonnie was terrified, trapped with a knife 2 inches from her face. She still slipped into her compassionate self because that is who Bonnie is at her core. This girl is a damn hero. I can totally see how down the line these 2 end up being ‘friends’ with the other 3 being dragged into this friendship group, kicking and screaming, although I caught Damon being friendly with him already. I’m really interested to see how the Stefan-Kai dynamic works out. I felt bad for him going off swan hunting in a blizzard and perplexed because it’s going to take ages to pluck and roast a new swan – Bamon are trapped lol.

Loooool, Kai, my little lunatic son. He means well? Kind of. I think he just doesn’t always know what ‘well’ is. And yep, Bonnie’s compassionate streak flares hard and often, and it’s already showing for Kai, although if you’ve read 16 it turns out that Damon actually ends up being the surprise Kai bestie. Honestly, Kai thinks they’re both great and has very enthusiastic and occasionally frightening ways of showing it, lmao. And HAHA, you know, Kai x Stefan is probably the only dynamic I haven’t nailed down? Largely because my instinct is to have Kai think he’s shady/get an inexplicably bad vibe from him (because COME ON HOW FUNNY IS THAT), and I feel like Stefan’s constantly getting the short end of the stick with these people, but lmao, who knows. I might do it anyway. It’s hard to resist the hilarity of Murdery McSwankiller Kai finding Stefan of all people suspicious. They’ll probably bond over cooking, though.

Hands down my favourite part is Damon’s panic attack, the way you wrote it – wow, so good. I have never had a panic attack and after reading that I was so glad that I hadn’t. It basically cracked open Damon’s life a little, let us in on his dark past. I have only waited 15 chapters for this (see every review of this fic I have ever written lol – god I’m so boring, sorry). When they were first trapped in the basement and Bonnie was quizzing him without mercy, I felt so bad for him.  I loved that she picked up on the panic attack and tried a softer approach and the connection that it sparked. I love their physical attraction (I want them to kiss every time they get within about 6 foot of each other, I have no idea how Bonnie copes!), their verbal sparring and Damon’s protectiveness towards Bonnie, but Damon being vulnerable and letting her in (even if he didn’t want to) was like the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle and at the same time, the beginning of something really beautiful. I really want to see more from him next chapter, his embarrassment is already palpable in the preview vid and I’m so psyched about vulnerable Damon. I hope we find out more about why he was in Chicago. Is that likely?

Ahhhhhh, girl, all of this has me so, so starry-eyed, like I’m so happy to hear this scene worked so well for you. I always get super nervous when I’m writing something sensitive that I’ve never gone through myself, and I try to do a bunch of research and read about peoples’ experiences and see what different accounts have in common to get to the core of it, but it’s still always a bit of a gamble. Not even in the sense of getting the symptoms and stuff right, because that’s just following a list, but more so capturing the gravity of it, not making it some melodramatic trivialized thing that robs it of weight, you know? That’s what I was the most worried about, so reading this review is just so, so wonderful, because it seems like you really felt everything I was trying to capture. Love love love your analysis of Bamon and their progression so far, and your note about how it felt like both the final piece of something and the beginning of something else. I think that’s such a great way to put it. You spend a fair bit of time in Damon’s head in 16, and it’s safe to say his whole breezy facade is cracked, but the vulnerability is definitely there. And as for the new beginning you mentioned in 15, I think what that ends up being in 16 is that trust is starting to build. He’s trying to avoid it at first, but it’s there and it’s growing, and in 17 (what was supposed to be 16, lmao), you’ll see the first moment where Damon actually volunteers information about himself. He isn’t asked, he isn’t panicking, he just finally gets to the point where he wants to talk about things, Chicago, etc. So I think it’s 100% likely that you’ll hear more about what happened there, and in an added bonus, it won’t all be from his mental narration! He’s going to bring it up. It’s comin’!

Edit: Having seen your posts, I have now seen that the next chapter will have Baroline friendship scenes and more Stefan back story – OMG yay so up for this! Also we need more about Stefan and the girl that cried after having sex with him (or was it the other way around?).

Hahaha literally BOTH of those things got lost in the split, I’m afraid. But they’re definitely coming! And lmaaaaaoooooo, in the fic, Stefan made a girl cry once, but I honestly wouldn’t put post-sex crying past him. Oh, Stefan, my precious emotional son.

Anyway, thanks so, so much for this glorious review, babe. As always, it was insightful and eloquent af and I’m crazy humbled to have readers like you. <3

[mayacatmaster]

Why Do You Doubt Yourself?

Don't You Know How Godly You Are?

How Beautiful You Are？

You Radiate Source-like-Energy.

You’re A Prayer In The Flesh.

*** *** ***

There is so much love for you, and from you, and to you, and through you.

The Source within you adores you and is walking every step with you.

~Abraham-Hicks

*** *** ***

Questioner Asks About Geniuses Like Mozart And Einstein.

Bashar: They Are Simply Beings That Have Chosen To Allow Themselves To Be More Of Who They Are. They Represent What All Of You Are Capable Of, If You Would Only Give Yourself The Opportunity To Know That.

They Simply Knew That. They Didn't Choose To Have Any Kind Of Belief System That Would Prevent Them From Knowing That, That's All... So,1f You Allow Yourself To Let Go Of Any Belief That Prevents You From Knowing That, Each Of You Will Find Your Particular Expression Of Genius.

~Bashar (AN Evening At Learning Light)

*** *** ***

The Secret Of Freedom Lies In Educating People, Whereas The Secret Of Tyranny Is In Keeping Them Ignorant.

- Maximilien Robespierre

*** *** ***

Vain are the beliefs and teachings that make man miserable, and false is the goodness that leads him into sorrow and despair -- for it is man's purpose to be happy on this earth and lead the way to felicity and preach it's gospel wherever he goes. He who does not see the kingdom of heaven in this life will never see it in the coming life. We came not into this life by exile, but we came as innocent creatures of God, to learn how to worship the holy and eternal spirit and seek the hidden secrets within ourselves from the beauty of life. ~ Kahlil Gibran *** *** *** Most of our lives, most of us live in realities determined by others, imprinted in our brains by education, by religion, by politics, by the authorities. -Tim Leary *** *** *** We seldom realize, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. ~Alan Watts  *** *** *** The Matrix Is Real It Exists Inside The Minds Of The Masses Through Social Cultural Political, Educational & Religious/morality-belief-system Indoctrination ** *** *** Mindset.  It's all about mindset.  From the moment you wake up, to the moment you rest your head at night. Everything is up to you.  Your emotions, your thoughts, your perceptions, your reactions.  Every moment.  ** *** *** When you recognize that there is a voice in your head that pretends to be you and never stop speaking you are awakening out of your unconscious identification with the stream of thinking. Where you notice that voice, you realize that who you are is not the voice. the thinker, but the aware. *** *** *** "The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not "the thinker." The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize that there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence. You also  realize that all the things that truly matter - beauty, love, creativity, Joy, inner peace - arise from beyond the mind. You begin to awaken." !ECKHART TOLLE

*** *** *** To awaken means to awaken out of the self-talk in the head because the self-talk is a form of hypnosis ---- self-hypnosis. ~Eckhart Tolle *** *** *** You Have Been Lied to about Everything!!! The Illiterate Of The 21st Century Will Not Be Those Who Cannot Read Or Write, But Those Who Cannot Unlearn The Many Lies They've Been Taught To Believe. *** *** ** So…: How does one discover Truth?  Question everything ever taught to you.  Start there.  *** *** ** The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going. 愚蒙人是話都信，智慧通達者步步審慎。 ～Proverbs 14:15 King James Bible *** *** *** And…: The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will make you an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass)God is  waiting for you. - Werner Heisenberg (father or Quantum Physics),  *** *** *** The Truth Can Walk Naked But A Lie Always Need To Be Dressed. *** *** *** The World Knows Many Religions,  But Nature Has But One Truth. ~MANLY P. Hall  *** *** *** The World Knows Many Religions/Moral/Education/Country-Social-Family-Person-Belief-System,  But Nature Has But One Cosmic-Principle-Truth.  *** *** *** It is through watching the "Cycles" of Nature that we more fully understand the cycles of our own lives. *** *** *** Four things cannot be long hidden; the sun, the moon, the Big-Dipper and the “Truth”(True Self; Tao; Logos; Ma-at; Dharma; Source).  *** *** *** Because…: A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority. *** *** *** The truth is the truth even if no one believes it, and a lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. *** *** *** So…: I'm at that stage of my life where I keep myself out of arguments  even if you tell me 1+1=5;  You’re absolutely correct, enjoy.  *** *** *** Because First…: If It Doesn't Bring You Income, Inspiration, Or Orgasms, It Doesn't Belong In Your Life. *** *** *** Some of you walked into my life and made it better, others walked out and made  it fucking fantastic. It’s same to me. *** *** *** Second: Parrots may repeat valuable sentences, but they lack understanding.  *** *** *** One of the most important things I've learned in life is to ignore most of what people say, preach, teach.  I watch what they do instead. *** *** *** Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. ~Qscar Wilde *** *** ** And….: If you look at the people in your circle and do not become “inspired”(help you beautiful dream come true or at least help you cease bad-bitter-life-fruits-Vicious circle ,  And they just only teach/preach you how to kiss as by blind-obey/blind follow, No matter of it’s use what kind of name, God/holy books/religion/moral/country-social-education-family-belief-system. Then you don't have a circle, you have a cage.  *** *** *** So...make sure what your morality/saints/gurus/government/holy books/religion/political/education/country-social-family-belief-system not AGAINST FREEDOM.  *** *** *** AGAINST you to be free, THEY just WANT YOU TO BE SLAVES. Their whole vested interest is in your being always a slave. *** *** *** So…: When someone tries to tell me that I need to be a certain way in order to be spiritual  Noooo the fuck I don't !!! *** *** *** Because….: The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living. -Socrates  *** *** *** A man lives in slavery without self inquire because he lives unconsciously He lives like a robot.  *** *** *** And…: No matter of use what kind of name… God/holy books/religion/moral/country-social-family-belief-system. *** *** How you got caught up in a particular kiss-dark-tyrant-ruler’s-ass-belief system is a long and perhaps currently irrelevant story.  You're caught in its net.  To get free, take out your mental scissors and snip away at everything that's not freedom. *** *** *** Because…: So many kiss-dark-tyrant-ruler’s-ass-broken parents are building kiss-dark-tyrant-ruler’s-ass-broken children.  Don't let your mess become the foundation of your child's life.  Break the particular kiss-dark-tyrant-ruler’s-ass-belief-system-cycle.  *** *** *** Mindset is everything!!! Mindset is everything!!! *** *** *** So….: If you use your conscious mind properly, then, you examine those beliefs that  come to you.  You do not accept them willy-nilly. -Seth  *** *** ***

And….:

The perfect man relax and empty his mind as if it’s a mirror.  Mirror grasps nothing,  Mirror refuses nothing;  Mirror reflect what happen in front,  Let what come just come, let what gone just gone in their way, But Mirror never take it as “me; mine; myself” and “real; true”. ~Chuang Tzu  *** *** *** So...: Observe Don't Absorb….: Let the mind come as it wants; just you don’t go with it.  The greatest salesman in the world  cannot sell you if you don t buy . ~Mooji  *** *** *** The perfect man relax and empty his mind as if it’s a mirror.  Mirror the most simplest “Cosmic Principle”(Tao; Source; Ma at; Brahma) in every area …..: *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Tao De Jing Ch54 by Lao-Tzu *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Those who alignment with "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos), and those who observation (of its effects)) *** *** *** What (Tao's) skilful planter plants Can never be separate oneself from "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos); Can help oneself alignment with "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos), always. Who is skilful arms enfold with Tao, From him can never be imprisoned by the society, culture, religion, morality, family or government mold he into became not-True Self. 善建不拔，善抱者不脫， Sons shall bring in lengthening line, Sacrifices to his shrine. 子孫以祭祀不輟。 "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos) when nursed within one's self, His vigour will make true; 修之於身，其德乃真； And where the family can ruled by alignment with "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos),  What riches will accrue! 修之於家，其德乃餘； The neighbourhood where it prevails by alignment with "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos),  In thriving will abound; 修之於鄉，其德乃長； And when it is seen throughout the state can ruled by alignment with "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos), Good fortune will be found. 修之於國，其德乃豐； Employ it the kingdom can ruled by alignment with "Tao"(God; True Self ; Source ; Logos), And men thrive all around. 修之於天下，其德乃普。 *** *** *** In this way the effect will be seen in the person, by the observation of different cases; in the family; in the neighbourhood; in the state; and in the kingdom. 故以身觀身，以家觀家，以鄉觀鄉，以國觀國，以天下觀天下。 How do I know that this effect is sure to hold thus all under the sky? By this (method of observation). 吾何以知天下然哉？以此。 *** *** ***

[michellejournals]

What is beauty, what is Love?

This past weekend, I was honored to speak at Cru Women’s Retreat. As women, I believe we should be confident and empowered by our identity in Christ, whether we are Asian, Black, Latino, White, etc.

Women’s Retreat really showcased this love, and coming together and listening to each other stories, and testimonies truly reflected what it meant to be beautiful and good in a world today that seems so polarized and impure.

As the other speaker (Jospehine) talked about Beauty in the seminar and what it was like for her personally as a young, Black girl growing up in the US, it was really evident that God was using her powerfully -to contrast of what the world tells us Beauty is, and what God sees. She referenced Proverbs 31. In brief, Proverbs 31 shows the commendable aspects of a woman of God, and I realized reading through it that not once was there a physical aspect mentioned that was praised. Proverbs 31 paints this woman as hardworking and loving and smart.. it is not until the end of this chapter that charm and beauty is mentioned. Proverbs 31:30 says: Charm is deceptive, and Beauty is fleeting but the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

So in brief,diversity is good. God made us diverse and beautiful, and that’s such a good thing. Our identity is that of called Beloved.

And that perfectly segwayed into my talk, which asked the question, “How can we love well, especially as we are clawing our way out through our own hardships and struggles? How can we preserve a child-like soul, disallowing the world to harden our hearts?

In Matthew 22, Jesus was asked by an expert on the Jewish law: Jesus, what is the greatest commandement in the Law? And Jesus’ response: Love the Lord with God with all your heart, soul and mind. And the second is like it: Love the neighbor as you love yourself. All the Law and prophets hang on these 2 commandments.

Did you know that in the Old Testament, there were 613 ‘laws’ in the books on how to live (do this, don’t do this)? When I was ten, I did something called AWANA on Friday nights at church, memorizing verses, getting cool prizes, and prideful if I did well and others didn’t But Jesus says in the verse that we don’t need to memorize these verses. We don’t need to memorize the 613 laws… because all those laws can be summed up in the two: Love God and people with all your heart. That is our calling. A radical LOVE.

You can lead all these ministries and recite verse and be filled with the Holy Spirit during worship (circa Kim Walker in How He Loves Us for reference) but if you don’t have love in your heart, then you get nothing out of that, it means nothing. If you sing songs, but if there is no love, then we are just making noise.

1 John 4:19 says, “We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, I love God yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: whoever loves God must also love his brother.”

This is a strong statement. And a hard truth. I mean, I know Jesus condensed all 613 laws for me so it would be easier… but I don’t know if this is any easier. I ask Jesus, why couldn’t you have said the greatest commandments as “do not murder or take Sabbath on Sundays? Because that would have been a lot easier for me to follow.

There’s many people in our lives where we think, “Man, I can’t love them. Maybe I even hate them.” If we’re honest with ourselves, love is not easy… And it shouldn’t be easy. Love can be messy, love can be hard, love can be painful, it can be difficult. Especially biblical love.

In Matthew 5: 43-48, we’re not just called to love people who love us, or who are like us. Jesus says, yeah we’re called to love but how we do it sometimes, the easy way is not always the set apart way. Even people outside of church love each other well.

So the message here is this: Love people who aren’t like you, who you don’t agree with. Love people who have a different skin color than yours. Love people who have a different background than you. Love people who are annoying to you. Love people you have a hard time with. That’s what love looks like. That’s the love that God calls us to do. And it’s not an easy love.

It’s so difficult that even the Church has a hard time. And the sad thing is that what the church should be known for, is what they are least known for. “Church is judgmental, people put on a facade, betray each other” are just a few things I hear. But this is what Jesus wants” When people look at the Church, I want the people to see people who love each other well, and love people outside of church well.

So we know this now. Then how do we do it? How can we love well, knowing that there’s going to be people that hurt you, disappoint you? It could be friends, family. I’ve been through it. And it hurts like hell, and I wondered before if I could ever function like a normal person again. But God reminds us that pain shows that brokenness exists. But when the enemy can get us to focus on the pain, then he got us. Sometimes we try to run away from the people and things that hurt us with food, alcohol, drugs, even Netflix, etc. We become dishonest with ourselves, not confronting this pain, and that’s when the enemy got us.

We should invite God into that pain and hurt we received from other people, the world, and carry with courage and determination, knowing that there is breakthrough and healing on the other side.

And God knows most of all what that heartbreak feels like. In fact, Jesus being full God and full man, enabled him to go through all the temptations, emotions, and heartbreak that we feel when we feel wronged or hurt. BUT what does Jesus do (the cliche yet reflective question of all)? He loves them. He loves us. He loved the very people who crucified him (Luke 23: 18-25)

SO how do people love well?

First, we have to know what love looks like, and what love is not. Love is not about being best friends. You don’t have to be best friends to love on someone. Love is also not about being in agreement with someone else. There’s this temptation to think that because I don’t agree with someone, that I can’t love them. You CAN be in disagreement and still love because love is not about agreeing with someone. Love is not about being drawn to someone all the time. You don’t need to FEEL the affection or ‘feel the love’ to love on them. Love doesn’t depend on feeling. The world seems to tell us that love is carried by feelings and the consequences of that are reflected on the millions and millions of broken marriages and families, who ‘once loved each other.’ Love is a CHOICE. To say, I choose to love you, even though there will be sacrifices and hurts, to choose to love is the love that God calls us to grow in.

So what is LOVE?

Summing it up in a few words, it’s putting someone else’s needs in front of your own needs (1 Corinthians 13). Love is about serving other people. And this biblical love shows that the world’s definition of love is messed up, because it’s so consumed by lust. What is lust? Lust is the opposite of love, getting all that I can get, taking all that I can take, whereas love is about giving. Lust is not just sexual but it can be in other things. That’s why so many marriages are falling apart, because the world is telling us to focus on ourselves. People say that marriage is death to self but when you have a child, its taken up another level of death to self (and sacrificing many of the things you want, like sleep). Love is focusing on other’s needs. Love is not about getting but giving. And this is what makes is so challenging, as it goes against our human nature.

I was so glad when the women’s panel during retreat referenced marriage and what that looks like, taking mind of what love is defined as in the world and in the Bible. Have you guys ever seen those marriage proposal videos? (They always cheer me up when I need a pick me up in the day) You see, the Bible has this narrative of getting in a loving relationship with him. The Bible is essentially about God relentlessly pursuing us throughout the OT and we constantly push him away. He’s good to us and lavishes us with gifts and blessings and land and love because we wants us to be in a relationship with him. And when we run way from him, he comes to us, running after us, protecting us, healing us from hardships that we go through and the wounds we gather. And we start listening to him one day. We know that he’s the perfect God and for him to extend and pursue a relationship is so humbling yet confusing Because when we hurt him, we know that our sin gives him pain and break God’s heart. And we decide we want to be with God but because of our sin and his holy nature, we can’t be in the same place. So that’s when Jesus comes down to us, with love, choosing to sacrifice himself on the cross for our sin, tearing the veil in the process. You see, when Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross, that was God’s proposal. He proposes to share a life with him, to have an intimate relationship with him.

And that’s so amazing. God loved us. Loving through the Struggle. He’s empowered us to do the same.

P.S. Here is a bit of audio during worship at Women’s retreat. The sweet, sweet voices of the ones who God loves. And they are called Beloved. 

[wisdomrays]

On the Holy Qur'an and its interpretation

On the Holy Qur'an and its interpretationThe Qur'an is God's miraculous, matchless message that has been sent to all humanity via His last Messenger. With the Qur'an God has shown humanity, one last time, a short-cut to His good pleasure. He has communicated to us about His Essence, Attributes, and Names. He has expressed in the most explicit way, leaving no room for any misunderstanding, His will to be known and recognized in the correct way, to be believed in and worshipped. Almighty God has put emphasis on the duties and responsibilities of believers, while enthusing hearts and agitating souls with His warrant for punishment and promise for reward. He has presented the Qur'an as a sign for perfection and completion and as an orbit to rotate around for His good pleasure, while condescending to offer this gift to us as a compliment greater than any that has been or will ever be granted to anyone else. The Qur'an is the most radiant and enduring of the hundreds of miracles bestowed upon the Master of creation, upon him be the best of blessings and peace. In addition to its wondrous discourse, articulation, and styles of expression, with its social discipline, legal rulings, principles of good morality, and education, its analysis of the whole creation including especially humanity, with its many allusions and indications to the essentials of almost all the sciences, which are sometimes even presented as manifest expressions, and the alternative solutions it offers for many administrative, economic, and political problems, the Qur'an is the ultimate source of reference for everyone and for all times. It is an untainted fountain with an infinite resource; it is a vast ocean which can never be dimmed by even the most complicated and filthy of eras. With all respect for its grandeur, I have to confess my inability and insufficiency to elaborate on the depth of meaning and richness of expression and style of the Qur'an. A considerable number of studies have been dedicated to the Qur'an, and many more studies will be carried out on this topic. There is no doubt that all these studies have presented valuable content for any seeking person to grasp the gist of what the Qur'an stands for and to believe in its message, and they mirror the order of Islam in its true essence. However, it would not be right for anyone to claim that they have come up with a perfect interpretation of the endless content of this expository atlas of humankind, the universe and the truth of Divinity. The Qur'an can be interpreted only to the extent that a heavenly and Divine word can be interpreted by human perception. Thus, although it does not seem to be possible to spell out this huge atlas within the measures of an article, we cannot stay indifferent to or neglect studying the Qur'an with the excuse that our interpretations are deficient or the power of our discourse is inadequate. Everyone has the right to study the Qur'an, more than that, it is a duty upon those equipped with necessary, accurate knowledge. We should work harder to better understand the Qur'an, while the learned should wield all their perceptiveness and sensations toward understanding it and conveying its message, allowing a wider audience to learn more from it. Indeed, the Qur'an is the greatest gift from the Mercy of God to the human mind to be understood and to be conveyed to others. Understanding the Qur'an is both a duty and an act of gratitude, whereas conveying its message to those hearts in need of its light is a prerequisite of respect and fidelity. The Qur'an is a miracle of eloquence honored with the merit of being the voice of all ages. It is the most luminous expression of the Divine Speech, around whose light the angels hover like moths. If we take into consideration its Source and purpose of revelation, its first representative(s) and the impact it leaves on hearts, then we must realize that it is not a book to put to one side. When the Qur'an speaks, angels fall deep into a silent vigilance, spirit beings fall prostrate, and the jinn, enchanted with its voice, set out to the deserts to meet it. The Qur'an is the expression and explanation of God's laws of creation or "nature," and the strongest and immutable source of religious rules and pillars. The Qur'an is the indisputable Book that includes the most reliable criteria for studying existence (the whole universe and humankind), thus for all individual, familial, social, or ethical problems we must seek wisdom and illumination from the Qur'an; it cries out that its source is the all-encompassing Knowledge of the One Who knows everything with their causes and results. The Qur'an has captivated everyone to whom its voice has reached - provided they were not prejudiced - with its holistic perspective, comprehensive discourse and style, the vastness of its content and meaning, its delicate expressions, its magical expounding in proportion to the different levels of knowledge and understanding, and its capacity to penetrate souls. Neither its friends nor its foes have been able to come up with something in a similar style or an utterance that is equal in grandiosity, the former motivated for imitation, the latter in fury to choke off its voice, despite their efforts for almost fourteen centuries, even when they use the same material and concentrate on the same issues. Their works have never been able to overcome artificiality, they have never been appreciated by masters of literary skills, and they have never evoked any lasting or effective influence. The Qur'an has such a musical harmony and delicate correlations between the topics it deals with, be they interrelated or apparently unrelated with each other, so that one is able to realize, with only the slightest effort of comprehensive thinking, that many apparently unrelated topics have points of junction. The mastership of discourse belongs to the Qur'an, which no literary personality can challenge, and enables those of its audience who are unprejudiced and can judge with some reason to obtain some things from it, introducing them to deeper contemplation beyond their horizons of thought. If once they can judge fairly and let their souls delve into this heavenly waterfall of expression, all other speech-like voices will immediately turn into nothing but rumblings. Above all, the Qur'an has come from an all-encompassing Knowledge; it contains and explains the meaning and content of human and non-human existence, of humankind, nature, and all the worlds; it is both their language and interpreter of their purpose of creation. It speaks to multifarious dimensions of its audience all at the same time: while addressing the mind, it does not neglect to speak to the heart in its own language; when it calls out to the consciousness, it does not push emotions aside; while conversing with the faculties of reasoning and logic, it does not leave the soul without any favor. All faculties and senses, external and internal, benefit from the Qur'an, which gives each its share without giving rise to any deprivation and contradiction. They all receive their share from this heavenly table, each to the extent of its capacity, and enjoy a most harmonious composition. All Divine Scriptures, especially before human interpolations were mixed with the original texts, possessed the same holistic approach and all-embracing quality; nevertheless the superiority and widest comprehension of the Qur'an are evident in proportion to the profundity of the spirit of the Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace and blessings. It is by no means possible to show any other heavenly or man-made book which excels it with its content and extensiveness. It is by no means an exaggeration to claim its uniqueness in dealing with humanity, the universe and Divinity in the most comprehensive, as well as the most exquisite fashion, while interpreting them in the best forms of synthesis and analysis in its own way. All of the topics that the Qur'an deals with are the most valuable treasures of the truths pertaining to Divinity and the realm of creation. Some of these truths are decisive or explicit in meaning and content, and others are concise, metaphorical, and allegorical, the explanation of which has been entrusted to the one who brought the Qur'an, upon him be peace and blessings, and the scholars favored with inspiration. The Qur'an never complicates any of the matters it presents or analyzes. It presents topics concerned with the essentials of faith, worship, and morality, and basic principles of individual and social life clearly and succinctly; while for matters requiring comprehensive thinking, reflection, and careful consideration, it demands deeper examination and scrutiny, and suggests turning to God, without approving of burdening oneself with grave matters that one cannot shoulder. Like a magical chandelier which continuously shines brighter, it is a means for brand new discoveries at diverse wavelengths as hearts and minds go deeper in thought, thus offering Divine gifts of all kinds to our internal and external senses. With its blessings and inspirations augmenting in excess, and light rain becoming a deluge, and with its endless beauty and glittering lights, the Qur'an showers banquets one within another to those who ponder and study it. True understanding of existence and what lies beyond the sensed dimension of the cosmos, and also humankind with its spiritual depths is possible only through the Qur'an. They discover in its bright realm straight thinking and real sources of reflection, and are thereby saved from the vicious circles of deception and misjudgments based on probabilities. There is no other source of knowledge that is not mistaken or not entrusted to uncertainty or doubt other than this miraculous Speech from God, the All-Knowing of the Unseen. The Qur'an explains and presents everything explicitly, plainly, and correctly. It enables us to understand that it is we who make errors in evaluating the issues, giving rise to contradictory judgments and in filling in the gaps entrusted to reflection. Understanding and interpreting the Qur'an correctly is not only a duty upon us, but also a requirement of our fidelity to it. The fulfillment of this duty and fidelity is closely related with the erudition of every capable and well-equipped individual and in their living in devotion to God. Such individuals dive into this vast ocean with utmost sincerity and commitment for the good pleasure of God, uncovering the truth so that it flourishes. They proceed toward this infinite horizon with caution, composure, comprehensive thought, and without surrendering to their carnality. The Messenger, who brought the Qur'an from God, is their first and greatest guide; they follow the pious scholars among the earliest generations of Islam in the light of its expressions, which are decisive and explicit in meaning and content. They are less likely to err; their efforts to attain the pleasure of God are rewarded with special treatment. Their interpretations and explanations of the Qur'an are each a hue and adornment of Qur'anic uniqueness. On the other hand, the Qur'an cannot be explained as it deserves in consideration of its position and loftiness with rudimentary Arabic and the limited scope of dictionaries; such an attempt would also be manifest disrespect to this heavenly monument of speech. It should be rendered in other languages as is required. Anything concerning Qur'anic expositions (tafsir) should be very well versed and before they are launched, every tafsir should be tested against the exalted Islamic sciences. What falls to us is not to bring the Divine Word down to our level of perception and expression in its immeasurable immensity and depth, excusing such an act as we have translated it for the benefit of everyone. While it is a duty, an appreciation of, or an act of respect toward the Qur'an for experts to make the Qur'an known to everyone via exposition, interpretation, or a commentary, such an attempt would be paramount to insolence if one did not have a high command of Arabic grammar, the principles of rhetoric or eloquence, knowledge of the study of Qur'anic exposition (tafsir), the methodology of hadith studies (Traditions of Prophet) and Islamic jurisprudence (fiqh). The Qur'an cannot be translated as a novel is; even the translation of a novel calls for an expertise in its own genre. Forging the way toward a sound interpretation of the Qur'an, it would be better to discuss first what a "translation" is, and what tafsir (exposition) and ta'wil (commentary) mean. Translation is the rendering of a text or statement in one language into another language, while preserving the meaning. An accurate translation would be to transfer the exact meaning of every word - if this is ever possible - while preserving the relationships between word combinations. On the other hand, a literal translation of the words only, or an exclusively semantic translation would be a deficient translation. To a certain extent we can also talk about translation software; however, the current technology or even more advanced technology to come is not able to help very much in the translation of substantial literary works. Consider the situation when the text is the Word of God, which addresses all times, conditions, and levels and therefore the exposition of which with all its depths is considerably dependent on time, inspiration, and circumstances. Some works of literature are said to be impossible to accurately render; then it is clear that there is no way that the Holy Qur'an, with its immense profundity, can be expressed by an ordinary translation. Many Muslim scholars, including Bediüzzaman Said Nursi, are of the opinion that it is impossible to translate the Qur'an, due to the aforementioned and many other considerations. Some other scholars, on the other hand, approach the matter cautiously, but more moderately, provided that the prerequisites underscored above have been abided with. The late Hamdi Yazir,[1] one of the greatest contemporary expounders of the Qur'an, states that the translation must exactly correspond to the original text in terms of explicitness and indications, conciseness and comprehensiveness, generalizations and specifics, restrictedness or exclusiveness and inclusiveness, powerfulness, and appropriateness, and eloquence and style. Therefore, prose or poetry can be translated into another language which is as developed as the original language, with the condition that the translator is well-versed with the subtleties of both languages; however such a translation is hardly possible for a book which addresses the mind and heart, the soul and all the senses together, with all its diverse literary delicacy, and its vigor and exuberance. And what happens if the book to be translated is a work of God that transcends all other books Divine or non-Divine with its dimensions beyond time and space, and speaks to all ages?!... The Qur'an is, in the words of Bediüzzaman Said Nursi, a Divine interpretation of the book of existence; it is the voice and breath of the laws of creation, the true interpreter of things and events that bear multifarious meanings, a candid expounder of this world and the world to come, the revealer of the treasure of the Divine Names hidden in the heavens and on the earth, the mysterious key to the mysteries beyond all things, the plain language of the beyond manifested in this world; the sun, the foundation, and the geometry of the spiritual world of Islam, the sacred map that explicitly lays out the worlds of the Hereafter with clearly drawn lines, the voice and clearest interpreter of the Divine Essence, Attributes, and Names, the most reliable teacher of all humanity; the air, the water, and the light of the Islamic world, and the Word of the All-Exalted, All-Majestic Being, Who is the Creator and Lord of all worlds, and His decree and address. This is not to say that the Qur'an cannot be understood; on the contrary and most importantly of all, it was revealed to humanity to be understood and to be lived by. However, its phrases are so deep and have so many meanings, its content is so multi-layered, that even if we can know and understand the meaning of every single word, and sense certain things from word combinations, we will certainly miss many truths that are contained in styles, indications, suggestions, connotations, and purposes, that cannot be fully reflected in any translation. I am of the opinion that every person who approaches the Qur'an with an open mind can perceive all of the above characteristics, and thus appreciate that its sublimity and transcendence cannot be confided to a simple translation. A translation might certainly have some value in proportion to the translator's learning, knowledge, horizon of perception, and skills; however, it can never convey the Qur'an in all its profundity; therefore no translation, nor no commentary or interpretation can be called the Qur'an itself. Tafsir and Ta'wil We all have a need for the Qur'an and thus are obliged to understand it, even if at different levels. In order to penetrate its essence and understand it according to what it really and essentially is we must study it following a comprehensive exposition (tafsir) that has been prepared in accordance with the methodology of the science of tafsir by learned scholars. We should not narrow down its content, which is as extensive as all the worlds, to the level of our inadequate learning, knowledge, and perception. Tafsir is an exposition which entails an effort to reflect the content of a text. A Qur'anic tafsir is an exposition of the Divine Word that takes into account the grammar, the principles of eloquence, and the explanations of God's Messenger and the earliest Muslim generations (the Messenger's Companions), as well as an exposition illuminated by the light of the mind and the rays of the heart. Most of the tafsirs prepared so far can be said to comply with this. Any given tafsir can be defined according to the dominance of any feature given above. For instance, if the tafsir is based in various ways upon the commentaries and explanations of the Messenger of God, as well as on the opinions of the Companions who best understood the language of the time, then this is a "tafsir based on Traditions or knowledge reported (from the Messenger and his Companions)" (at-tafsir ar-riwayah). A "tafsir by expert knowledge" (at-tafsir ad-dirayah), on the other hand, is an exposition based on, in addition to reported knowledge, a direct or indirect studying of linguistics, literature, and other relevant fields of science. In earlier times, the Qur'an was primarily expounded by recourse to the Qur'an itself, with the Sunnah being the second source of its exposition. The explanations of the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, were always the most reliable source from which the Companions benefited. Most of the Companions already had a good command of the language, therefore they encountered few problems. Those issues which needed explanation were either referred to the Prophet or clarified by the Prophet himself without any recourse. In later times, large volumes that compiled such statements, explanations, and expositions were gathered, an effort which was initially started earlier by some Companions. A very rich heritage was left behind by the Tabi'un (the generation of Muslims who came after the Companions) to the following centuries. Verifying scholars, such as Muhammad ibn Jarir at-Tabari, made great use of this heritage from the tenth century onwards. Alongside the explanations of the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, the collections composed of the reports from the Companions and the next two generations have always constituted a reliable source for scholars. Az-Zamakhshari, a scholar of Mu'tazilah and a master of the language, is considered to be one of the pioneers of the "tafsir by expert knowledge" with his al-Kashshaf ("The Discoverer"). Fakhru'd-Din ar-Razi's Mafatih al-Ghayb ("The Keys to the Unseen") is one of the most powerful voices of the Sunni tafsir approach and trend, and is considered to be one of the greatest representatives of this tradition. Baydawi's Anwar at-Tanzil wa Asrar at-Ta'wil ("The Lights of the Revelation and the Mysteries in Its Meaning") is one of the significant links in the chain of tafsirs; this is of particular significance as it contains answers to Zamakhshari's Mu'tazili thoughts and considerations. Subsequent centuries witnessed a number of tafsir studies within the framework of Sufism and jurisprudence. Ebu'l-Lays as-Samarkandi, Baghawi, Ibn Kathir, Jalalu'd-Din as-Suyuti, Ebu's-Suud, Kemalpaşazade, İsmail Hakki Bursevî, Alusi al-Baghdadi, Konyali Vehbî and Allame Hamdi Yazir are some of the distinguished figures who have preserved this sacred tradition. A majority of these figures and others have dedicated utmost care to their expositions; they did whatever needed to be done with superhuman effort in order to accurately understand the Divine purposes in the Qur'an. They carefully studied word by word how the Companions, who constituted the first row of its audience, understood and interpreted the Qur'an; their studies were based on the essentials of the Religion in their studies and approach to the Qur'an and they tested their personal opinions against the disciplines of the Qur'anic study and the authentic Sunnah. Thus, they discarded distorted crumbs of information which had been put forward by the enemies of the Qur'an as commentary and explanations. Their effort was a marvelous feat by which we are better able to understand the will of God. It is also worth noting at this point Hamdi Yazir's thoughts on tafsir: Tafsir, he says, is opening something that is closed and revealing it, therefore a Qur'anic tafsir is an effort to disclose the meanings of God's Word in accordance with His will. With its wording and meaning of immeasurable profundity, each word of which gives its share to everyone in every age, the Qur'an is a unique, matchless Book. It addresses different ages, different nations, and people of different intellectual levels all at the same time. It is a book of wisdom that is easily understood by its readers, yet at the same time has veiled, difficult, terse, or concise, as well as metaphorical or allegorical aspects. The profundity and secretiveness of the first three aspects can be revealed through agreement among the scholars, whereas the fourth is entrusted to the interpretation and commentary of the verifying scholars well-versed in knowledge, who remain faithful to the essentials of the Qur'an and Islam, and have the capacity to understand what is figurative and allegorical. Although almost every individual who knows its language can grasp something from the Qur'an, a true and comprehensive understanding of it can be achieved by those experts of exposition and commentary who have attained the required and correct level of knowledge. These experts take into consideration the linguistic rules, and pay necessary attention to the methodology of tafsir in understanding what is veiled, difficult, or abstruse. They exert endless efforts in reflection, contemplation, and meditation in order to be able to attain a correct understanding of the Divine purpose or what God really means. They resort to the explanations of God's Messenger in order to expound the concise verses (mujmal), and explore the depths of reported knowledge with expert knowledge and vice versa. Throughout history, the genuine commentators and expounders have always followed this same path. As for ta'wil (commentary), it means referring a word, an attitude, or an action to or explaining it with one of its probable meanings. Some have defined ta'wil as expounding words and actions to the contrary of what reason superficially judges; in other words, it is also possible to say that ta'wil is expounding something read or seen or heard with other than what first comes to the mind and with a rational knowledge that is not instantly comprehended. Imam Abu Mansur al-Maturidi makes the distinction that tafsir is the exposition of the Qur'an by the Companions, and ta'wil is the commentaries and interpretations made by the tabi'un and succeeding generations. Ta'wil comes from the root AWL and due to the fact that it implies the preference of one of the probable meanings, it would be wrong to propose meaning(s) which is/are in no way related with the wording of the Qur'an as tafsir or ta'wil. It is also essential that there should be some sign that provides evidence for the meaning proposed, or a rational or transmitted proof that supports the idea put forward. It would be wrong to load different meanings on words or sentences on the grounds of "figurativeness" or "allusion" without a sign or proof while ignoring what the word or sentence apparently means. Such loading of different meanings has no real value in any case. The end-result or product of ta'wil is called a me'al (interpretation). We can define this as the preference of one of the meanings. A Qur'anic interpretation is neither just a translation nor a tafsir. An interpretation might include points or issues that are typically found in a tafsir; however, it does not go beyond this framework. From the first centuries of Islam, alongside many high or low quality translations, there have been, and will be, many interpretations and tafsirs. We applaud all sincere efforts dedicated to voice the spirit of the Qur'an and to reveal the Divine purpose. We particularly applaud the efforts which do not ignore the passage of time and the aspects of Qur'anic content and meanings that address themselves to each part of time, the circumstances that prevail in every age and environment, the essential purposes of the Religious Law and efforts which adhere to them in accordance with the spirit of the Qur'an and the authentic Sunnah, the thoughts enriched with the passage of time and through developments in human life, and new discoveries and attainments in sciences and human thought.

[beaft]

harry potter! (love from milk fic anon)

HI MILK FIC ANON HOW’S IT GOING 

hmm, let’s see:

the character i least understand: …umbridge. at least, i understand her well enough on an intellectual level, but she’s about as far away from my mindset and beliefs as it’s possible for a character to be

interactions i enjoyed the most: harry and malfoy! oh my god, the banter, the sass, i fucking lived for it and the unresolved sexual tension but we don’t talk about that

the character who scares me the most: fenrir greyback, probably? i was never frightened of voldemort (i don’t think anyone really takes voldemort seriously - he’s too much of a cartoon villain for that), and umbridge just made me viciously angry. greyback, on the other hand…mm. i think it’s that interplay between animal and human - i’ve never been especially frightened of people, but i can get quite easily frightened by monsters, particularly unthinking ones, because they’re totally unpredictable and they can’t be reasoned with. 

the character who is mostly like me: luna lovegood is the one i got compared to constantly when i was at school, because of the whole dreamy/kooky thing, but honestly we’re nothing alike personality-wise - she’s far more serene and comfortable with herself than i am, and seems to function mainly off faith, whereas i tend to rely more on logic. i think i definitely have shades of tonks (the clumsiness and weird sense of humour, for instance) and also a bit of dumbledore (the ambition, the moral relativism, the spectacular fashion sense). i can’t think of any one character who i relate to above all, but those two probably come closest

hottest looks character: evanna lynch as luna was just. holy shit. the perfect blend of ethereal and grounded, complete with ophelia-like floating hair and perfect skin and amazing eyes and honestly i’m not okay

one thing i dislike about my fave character: now this one’s complicated, because in terms of characters i find the most interesting, it’s probably snape. and obviously i dislike nearly everything about snape on a purely moral level, and i don’t think i need to clarify any more than that because y’all already know what i’m talking about. but in the category of “characters who i would love and protect with my life and who i would like to be best friends with, please” it’d probably be hagrid. the thing that immediately springs to mind is how disparaging he is about the other (non-gryffindor) houses - like, i get that that’s partly a result of jk’s worldbuilding, which puts a whole lotta weight on the “slytherins are evil lying liars who lie” thing, but telling an eleven-year-old kid that “there’s not a single wizard or witch who went bad who wasn’t in slytherin”? or, “hufflepuff are a load of duffers”? not cool, hagrid. 

one thing i like about my hated character: umm. again, difficult. umbridge has very, very few redeeming qualities, but i’d say it is interesting to finally have a female villain who doesn’t fit into either the “old witch” or the “femme fatale” archetype, but falls somewhere in between. “cutesy” things like kittens and the colour pink are so far removed from being a threat that allowing them to be representational of such a menacing character becomes a form of weaponised femininity that doesn’t revolve around being sexually appealing (through a masculine lens, that is) or dangerous. and that’s actually pretty innovative, when you think about it.

a quote or scene that haunts me: “it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities” just. whole philosophy. right there. also the scene of harry destroying dumbledore’s office after sirius’ death always gets me - it’s just so raw and awful and really captures that feeling of a complete emotional breakdown and loss of control. “you do care - you care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” ouch.

a death that left me indifferent: tonks. not because i didn’t like her as a character - i did! i love tonks and i wish to goodness she’d come out of book seven with her sparkiness and bubblegum hair intact. but it’s hard to feel emotional about a death that’s brushed over in the space of a couple of sentences and never revisited. jk was clearly trying to communicate the senselessness of war and how the deaths pile up until individual casualties lose their significance, but as a farewell to characters we’ve got to know and love over the space of several years, it felt pretty hollow.

a character i wish died but didn’t: i feel terrible saying this, but: george. for some reason the idea of the twins being separated and george being forced to live out the rest of his life with a piece of himself missing hurts more than the idea of the two of them going out as a double act, ideally in a blaze of glory. let him go with fred and skip the sad headcanons and the whole creepy “george married fred’s girlfriend after the war” thing and i’ll be happy. well, not happy but marginally less emotionally destroyed

my ship that never sailed: luna/ginny…tbh……..(also dean/seamus but that was probably offscreen canon anyway let’s be real)

[autobiographyoftheavatar]

"Bhagavad Gita Decoded" is a single volume abridged edition containing talks of His Divine Holiness Bhagavan Sri Nithyananda Paramashivam on the timeless Hindu scripture "Bhagavad Gita" delivered by Bhagavan Sri Krishna, the Incarnation who walked the Planet several thousand years ago in the pre-historic times.  POST #13 - Extract from the book: (Pages 8 - 13 of the book "Bhagavad Gita Decoded") Chapter 1 Sastras, Stotras, Sutras KṚṢṆṚṢṆA, THE PŪRṆĀVATĀR Among the Incarnations, Bhagavān Śrī Kṛṣṇa is considered pūrṇa, complete, a full Incarnation. Why is Śrī Kṛṣṇa considered the only perfect, complete Incarnation, a pūrṇāvatār? Why can’t He be just one more Incarnation? Still He is the one being ruling the whole Hindu consciousness and the largest worshipped being! The most worshipped Incarnation on planet Earth is Śrī Kṛṣṇa. Only Kṛṣṇa can be called the most worshipped being. First, let us understand why Incarnations come to planet Earth. Śrī Rāmakṛṣṇa Paramahamsa recounts beautifully: There was a beautiful paradise with many trees and varieties of flowers and fruits. Three friends were walking near this paradise that had a big wall around it. One of them climbed the wall and peeped inside. He cried out, ‘Oh, my God! Such a beautiful place!’ He jumped into the garden and started enjoying the fruits. The second man climbed the wall and saw the garden. He too felt it was beautiful, but he had a little bit of courtesy. He turned and said to the third man who was below, ‘Dear friend, there is a beautiful paradise below. Come, I am going in.’ Saying this, he jumped over the wall and started enjoying the fruits. The third man climbed the wall and saw the paradise. He saw his two friends and understood the level of joy and bliss that they were enjoying. Then he said to himself, ‘Let me go down and tell all the people about this beautiful paradise. I will bring them all to enjoy this garden.’ An Incarnation is someone who descends to enrich the world about the blissful place that He experienced. The man who descends from Divine to express the bliss of that Divinity is an Incarnation. The person who returns to planet Earth to tell you and enrich you about Divinity and to also make you realize what He has experienced, is an Incarnation. An enlightened spiritual Master is a person who creates a formula to reproduce his inner world experiences. Scientists create formulae for the outer world, whereas a Master creates a formula to recreate the experience of the inner world. Meditation techniques are these formulae. An Incarnation is a person who can directly give the experience without even using the formula!  All these great Incarnations come down to planet Earth to make people realize that—they too are Divine, that they too are God; to tell and enrich people that the other side is beautiful. ‘There’s a very big paradise. Come, let us go and enjoy. Come, join me,’ they say. Why is Kṛṣṇa a perfect Incarnation? He has all the qualities needed to push human beings to divinity, to the space of completion. It is Śrī Kṛṣṇa who is responsible for all the good things we have in our lives. Please understand, it is Kṛṣṇa who is responsible for anything good, anything joyful, and anything auspicious in our lives. The science of living  life out of completion and joy—living life out of completion will lead to enlightenment in whatever we are doing without renouncing—this science is introduced to the world for the first time by Śrī Kṛṣṇa. Understand, till Śrī Kṛṣṇa all Incarnations were teaching only the science of leaving, renouncing the world if one wanted Enlightenment. But it is Śrī Kṛṣṇa who gave this science of living in the space of completion, pūrṇatva; that you don’t need to renounce anything; wherever you are, you will be radiating life and enjoying life. The person who can push human beings to divinity, to the space of completion is called Jagadguru—the Guru who awakens. He is the teacher, the Master of the whole Universe. Jagadguru is a person who can enrich the whole world, all types of human beings at all levels. The Universe is a place with all types of human beings who are at all levels of experience and maturity. Kṛṣṇa can  enrich and help people from all levels to experience divinity, to reach the ultimate, to realize the truth, to be complete. The life of Śrī Kṛṣṇa, pūrṇāvatār is an example of living in the space of completion, pūrṇatva. He has not done anything out of incompletion. He has done everything out of completion and He has done everything, which we think will be done only out of incompletion! This science of completion is the most sacred secret revealed by Śrī Kṛṣṇa in the Bhagavad Gītā, which is the most powerful rājavidyā rājaguhyaṃ, royal sacred knowledge and royal sacred secret. This royal sacred science of completion keeps us eternally in love with life, eternally experiencing life. Please understand, some religions teach what completion is; some religions show us what completion is not, some religions show us the effect of incompletion. This science of completion is the essence of all religions, the essence of vedic knowledge, the source of the knowledge of Vedic tradition. Let me define Completion. Completion means living and acting without any hangover of the past incidents, words, actions or memories. Not having a hangover does not mean that you will not remember your past at all. When you are in completion, you will remember past incidents and actions, but they will no longer have the power to cause pain or anger or guilt in you anymore. Completion! Please listen; I am giving you another definition of Completion. Completion is nothing but reclaiming the bits and pieces you threw away in unconsciousness. Listen. The parts of you, bits of you, pieces of you that you shared or threw them with so many things and people in your life unconsciously; reclaiming all those parts back and becoming complete with you, is Completion. Listen. There are intellectual, emotional being-level people. Incarnations, such as Śaṇkara, Buddha strongly appeal to intellectual people. It is difficult for emotional people to relate to them. We can’t imagine Buddha singing and dancing with a flute or Śaṇkara doing rās-līlā! Emotional people relate to Mīrā, Caitanya Mahāprabhu, Āndāl who are Arjunaviśāda Yogaḥ  always singing, dancing and celebrating. People who are at the being level straightaway want the experience; they cannot relate to the intellectual or emotional Incarnations. They are neither ready to analyze nor ready to believe. A person ready to analyze goes to śāstras. A person ready to believe is drawn to stotras, but a person who wants straight experience, instant coffee, instant experience, can neither wait for śāstras nor stotras. He straightaway wants the technology, the applied science. For him, Śiva, Mahādeva who created the vijñana-bhairava-tantra, is the answer. All the great meditation techniques He deliveres are for being-oriented people. Śāstras are like the main theory, the basic science. Sūtras are applied science. They give straight answers. Of course, when I say we go through the stotras, we need to ‘intranalyze’ them, which is analyzing the truth for the sake of internalizing it, not for the sake of rejecting it. Please be very clear, when we go through the purāṇas—the epic historical happenings, we need to understand the spirit and truth of the purāṇas. There is a big difference between fact and truth. Purāṇas, our epics are truths and facts also. All Purāṇas of sanātana-dharma are history, not mythological stories. Purāṇas have been wrongly translated as mythological stories or high stories. They are not high stories, they are histories—they are HIS stories. They are the true history of Bhārata. They are showing us, leading us to the truth. Only truth can lead us to the Truth. So while understanding stotras we should understand and intranalyze the spirit and truth of the stotras. Listen! Śrī Kṛṣṇa can relate to people at all three levels. The way that He is born, the way He expresses all powers and completion from His birth, and the way He expresses such beautiful, sweet romance! If you are intellectual, He gives you the Gītā, He is Gītā Kṛṣṇa. If you are emotional, have Rādhā Kṛṣṇa, the beloved of Rādhā! He can sing and dance; He can play; He can give you the ultimate emotional fulfillment. Understand, making each one feel that he belongs to them, is the basic need for the romance to happen. Kṛṣṇa was able to do that! And He has the ability to handle all the anger and jealousy of people who were not able to raise themselves to His level. At the being level, you straightaway want the technology of enlightenment. Again, He offers the truth, Dhyāna Yoga, the path of meditation, in the Gītā. When you see the way He radiates knowledge, love, romance, intelligence and strategy planning; only He can be called as pūrṇāvatār. The word pūrṇāvatār can be given only for Śrī Kṛṣṇa. Śrī Kṛṣṇa is the unimaginable expression of ultimate Consciousness. Kṛṣṇa is complete fulfillment. He is such an embodiment of completion. The very life of Kṛṣṇa is a technique that leads you to enlightenment. The body language of an enlightened person is a sūtra, a technique. Kṛṣṇa is the being whose body language straightaway leads you to enlightenment. Understand that Śrī Rāma will lead you to dharma, righteousness. If you follow what Śrī Rāma did, you will have dharma, but with Kṛṣṇa, you will straightaway have mokṣa, liberation! The power of Kṛṣṇa’s presence and the amount of opposition that He has to go through due to His pure love, His pure energy, His pure intelligence. Even after creating His own kingdom at Dvārikapuri, the sacrifice that He does to establish dharma, the way He lives dharma and protects dharma! And He is such a powerful strategy planner that when needed He even escapes from the war field as Raṇachoḍa. The space of completion that Kṛṣṇa holds and the space from which He operates! Please understand that when you operate from the space of completion, whatever you do is Līlā—a divine play. It is not boring life! Kṛṣṇa is the first Incarnation who demonstrates the concept of Līlā on planet Earth; the first Incarnation who demonstrates that life can be lived from the space of completion; life can be lived from the space of joy. Kṛṣṇa is the embodiment of joy, embodiment of bliss, embodiment of life! When we experience the being of Kṛṣṇa, when we understand Kṛṣṇa, His very being is a technique; His very life is a technique! That is why there is a beautiful word in the Bhāgavatam (Hindu epic glorifying devotion) called Līlā Dhyāna. Just remembering the Līlā, the playful pranks of Kṛṣṇa, is dhyāna, meditation. No other Incarnation is given the word, Līlā Dhyāna. No other Incarnation is praised like this. Just remembering His acts is meditation! Just remembering His Līlā, divine acts, we are led to completion and liberation! An Incarnation’s Līlā or pastimes always leads you to completion. Your past always leads you to incompletion. If you constantly remember what you did when you were a child, you will be in more and more incompletion. If you constantly remember what Śrī Kṛṣṇa did when He was a child, you will be more and more in the space of completion. Remembering the Incarnation’s pastimes, Līlā Dhyāna creates more and more completion and the higher space. READ MORE HERE Bhagavad Gita Decoded - Nithyananda University Press Bhagavad Gītā Decoded book is not a commentary or a modern interpretation on the Bhagavad Gītā. It is the re-speaking, the revival of the supreme secret of the Gītā from the consciousness of the rare living incarnation, Paramahamsa Nithyananda, who embodies the very science and experience of the Gītā.

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